#sometimes i worry about myself

[deer-carcasses]

"Great Alastor, altruist, died for his friends"

a deeper look into Alastor's solo part of the final song

The entire soundtrack has been stuck in my head since the show ended, but Alastor's part of the final specifically has been playing on a loop in my brain since I first heard it.

The slow downward pan from the Vee's feeling like they are now finally able to take over the city to the upward pan with Alasto's song starting was a fantastic choice, the contrast in their emotions, in the music, and still it all fit perfectly together.

"This place reeks of death," is such an underrated opening for this song in my eyes. We know Alastor is a cannibal, we've seen him eat a dead deer before, [^1] which would point toward him not having a problem with the smell of death and decay, but he goes out of his way to mention it smells of death. I don't think he truly meant the smell of death in this scene though. He might be talking about the death of his career if he had gotten killed in his fight with Adam. The line "Great Alastor, Altruist, died for his friends" is not him referring to himself as an altruist, it is the headlines he already sees if he truly would have died, seemingly for his friends, for the hotel. The way he follows it up with "Sorry to disappoint, this is not where it ends" shows this. It's him stating how absurd it is, but that this would be the story everyone would be thinking should it have happened. But I also feel like he says it because he knows there's the tiniest of truths behind it. Why did he fight Adam alone? Why did he fight in the first place? For the hotel, for his friends. As much as Alastor hates to admit it, he has gotten closer to the people in the hotel for sure, especially when we look at how he interacts with them all. He seems friendlier, even if it's just for show and to keep up his facade, but he truly does act like he at least cares a little but about them. The look he has while even saying it speaks volumes, he looks truly terrified of the implication that hell could see him as an altruist in this fight.

At first, his smile was an angry snarl, aggression about being humiliated by losing this fight clearly written all over his smile. But then it turns genuinely afraid like he fears the mere concept of being seen as a decent person, not even a good person, just decent enough to fight for the people in the hotel.

He digs his nails into his scalp, dragging his hands down the side of his face, but not at the prospect of dying, but at the idea of what would've come after he had died. [^2] At the idea that all of hell would know he not only died but died for someone else. Before this thought of what other people in hell would think of him, he looked more angry, enraged that Adam even dared be an opponent that Alastor had to run from in order to get out of there alive. His reaction is surprisingly human considering how Alastor normally holds himself. Sure he was alone ignoring the eyes following him around his destroyed radio tower, [^3] There's no one here that he would have to lie to, but he knows better than anyone that you're never truly alone in hell, so it still surprised me how honest he was with the viewers in this moment. It's the most we see of him that doesn't seem to be a character, a facade.

His whole persona is this blatant mask he wears constantly, obvious to everyone who knows him. He even admitted to Charlie that his smile is not real in the slightest. But it works. Every scene where Alastor was talking before his Breakdown Ballad in the finale, I second-guessed every single word that left his mouth. Wondering if it all is a performance. I see a lot of people online with the same thought, looking at everything he says twice, trying to see any hidden meaning, any clue as to what he truly wants to say behind words that, if said by any other character, would've been the least interesting thing ever. And even then, his fake smile keeps in place, even if the actual emotions behind it are clear as day, while alone in his destroyed tower. It might be to fool himself like he fools others, but I think his smile is not able to be dropped, let it be part of his deal or part of his punishment, Alastor will never be seen without his smile. [^4]

Overall i feel like Alastor does care about the Hotel staff and guests to a certain extent. I can't fully trust it, and I'd be less than surprised if I were to be wrong, but there are scenes where he seems too much like he cares.

Moving along on the song, the next lyrics are rather straightforward forward "I'm hungry for freedom like never before. The constraints of my deal surely have a backdoor" circling back to what I mentioned above. His current goal is to escape this deal that is constricting his powers, powers that would most likely have saved him from the injury he sustained. The next and final lines"Once I figure out how to unclip my wings. Guess who will be pulling all the strings?" strongly point towards how he is unable to use his full strength, that his full potential can't be reached while he is still under this deal he made. The thought of Alastor not being at his full potential in his fight with Adam is on some level truly terrifying, a Sinner can reach these kinds of powers in hell that he is able to fight someone like Adam, the first man, someone with approximately the same amount of power Lilith must have? I've just today talked to a friend of one about it. Yes, Alastor lost the fight, but he held up quite well and was a worthy opponent to the point that Adam had to seriously take a second, stop joking around, and concentrate on the fight to get a single hit on Alastor. All of this while Alastor also got a few hits in, not as strong as the ones he had to endure later on, but still. They were hits.

Regardless, in the end, Alastor came very close to dying, and that was for a cause that wasn't just for himself. Seeing what Adam did to the Hotel (or Sir Pentious while we're at it), Alastor has to honestly be glad he even survived that blow directly to his chest. There surely was some plot armor behind this decision, but it's still believable when we trust the theory that Alastor made a deal with someone far more powerful than anyone expects.

This show, and Alastor specifically, has taken over my thoughts completely.

[^1]: in my eyes his being a cannibal points to how he has a need for superiority. To always prove his worth. In his days alive he was a serial killer, a hunter, and now in hell, he has aspects of a deer, a prey animal. The cannibalism is purely to show that he is still on top, that he is superior even to those similar to him, to those that are the same as him. He might have characteristics of a prey animal, but he stays the hunter.

[^2]: this strengthens my theory that Alastor is also afraid of dying whiteout escaping the deal he is currently still bound to. I touch on it in this post a bit more clearly, it's almost at the end of the post.

[^3]: I'd like to link everyone to this post for some thoughts on the eyes in this scene. It's incredibly well written and I couldn't have phrased it better.

[^4]: the closest we ever get to not seeing him, or more part of him, not smiling is shortly before he vanishes from the fight with Adam. His shadow can be seen frowning in the background before quickly correcting itself. It's a blink-and-you-miss-it kind of situation.

[michethylene]

Sometimes I realize I'm obsessed with a character from my hero academia and that makes me want to rip the hair out of my head

[artkaninchenbau]

A h-heartfelt reunion..?

Bonus

[dead-core]

part of knowing me is watching me self-destruct. you cannot save me, you cannot fix me, and you cannot stop me.

[tam--lin]

The thing is, you don’t have to have a diagnoses to make simple “unmasking” changes that make your life easier. You don’t even have to self-diagnose! You are not appropriating anyone’s culture or struggles or hijacking anyone’s movement by allowing yourself to sway in line at the grocery store or buying a weighted blanket or using study or household hacks intended for people with ADHD. If you start favoring the needs that make your brain and body unique over the arbitrary norms of society, you’ll be better off, and you’ll be expanding the norms. It’s a win/win.

[uglycatblog]

I almost burst into tears last night when my mom called me to check on the Roomba that was “acting strange”

It was running in circles in my brother’s room, looking for the charging station. So I cradle it my arms and place it there, like a kitten that went too far away from her mother.

[turtleblogatlast]

Leo getting hit with a truth curse but instead of forcing him to admit to super sad or worrying things it’s things like “it was me who broke the remote” “I saw Mikey prank Donnie and helped hide it because it’s way funnier if he didn’t know who it was” “I rip my clothes to look more like Raph’s because he’s really cool” “my stripes aren’t even red they’re pink!”

[yardsards]

hot take but you all NEED to stop telling people to kill themselves.

yes, even *those* people. i don't care if you're talking to some monster who puts live puppies into a wood chipper for fun, don't say that shit.

because mx. puppychipper isn't gonna be affected by your words.

but you know who might be affected? some innocent third party reading the words you said on a public website.

because telling people to kill themselves says "suicide is a punishment for being a bad person. bad people, upon realizing they're bad, should simply commit suicide instead of working to atone for their actions."

and that is NOT a message you wanna be normalizing to anyone, but ESPECIALLY people with depression (who, let's be real, make up a higher than average chunk of this site's userbase). whose mental illness is already telling them that 1: they're an inherently terrible worthless person no matter what they do 2: death is an appealing option.

is reading "kill yourself" once or twice gonna make them do it? nah, probably not. but reading it multiple times a day every day is gonna make their mental health worse. it's probably not good for your mental health to be saying that kind of thing, either.

just knock that shit off. the world is already so hostile to people with mental illness, and managing mental illness and unlearning unhealthy thought patterns is already so difficult. you don't need to be out here making it worse.

[oblivionsdream]

Doodle

[crunchchute]

Sam and Max if they were cool /j

[avelera]

Dream of the Endless does dumb stuff in my fics. Sometimes people point out that he does dumb stuff in my fics. Sometimes I get a little self-conscious about it, because I worry that they think he's OOC or should have acted differently, which is ultimately on me as the writer.

Then I remember that Dream is canonically a moron. Literally. Stated in the text, he's an idiot.

Lucienne's body language is clear. Unity is right but she's too loyal/diplomatic to agree with her aloud.

I could turn this into an entire essay of images and quotes from the comic and show of Dream doing dumb shit, like calling on the Fates before seeking help literally anywhere else. Or how Destruction points out that Dream just deliberately forgets anything that doesn't hold his interest or (implied by extension) agree with his worldview.

Everyone with any brains in "The Sandman" agrees that Dream is very dramatic and very pretty (thanks, Hob) and not the least bit intelligent.

This fact gives me great delight.

And so I shall continue to adhere as close to canon as possible, and continue to make Dream the fucking moron that he truly is. Bless.

[meamiiikiii]

[reverse entry AU]

so glad the work week is over!

no more meetings!

what do you mean its only tuesday.

[moonkhao]

hi.

[hasello]

Hello good afternoon. Question: Have the other Leos or even Rise!Raph felt jealous towards Rise!Leo's for his natural skills in leadership? (I forgot each nicknames, sorry) Because I feel, I'm not sure if correct, but it kinda feel less forced on Rise!Leo then the others. Like he knows what to do and how to place his cards, making the enemies underestimate what his capable of, and only think his goofing around; giving him the upper ground. I think they could've felt some envy or something.

And second question, very important: ARE WE HAVING MORE OF THOSE CUTE LIL' BABY TURTLES?!!! THEY ARE SO ADORABLE!! I LOVE THEY WAY YOU DRAWING, MAKES MY HEART EXPLODE ❤!

You're awsome, and thank you for your time and art ❤ have a great day/night

Hi, love!! 💗

1. I agree, first of all, and fully get what you mean! I also believe Blue is simply a natural leader.

We know how it was for Red (rise). The movie showed us clearly what he thought and I wouldn’t change that, honestly.

“Red was never irritated at Blue’s skills, just at how he used them. Now… I’m just proud.”

I think Leo (12) would be mostly proud too, although it wouldn’t change the fact that she’d be irritated at how easy leading seems to be for Blue, because come on - all these years of trying and then some punk comes in and just does it with a smile…?

“I just don’t think it’s fair, that’s all. Clearly god has favorites…”

It would make him a little sad somewhere deep inside, too. How does Blue make it seem fun, meanwhile he’s always seen as lame and boring as a leader? It would all change after some time tho, since we know Blue isn’t all that confident and it’s mostly the great acting skills helping him look so easy going. After Leo would realize that (post invasion especially, I think) he’d just try to help him out with it all.

“Blue IS very skilled and has great leading qualities, he always had. He just wasn’t all that used to actually using them responsibly… I think.”

Now, it would be a little different with Lee (03). His perspective is a little… biased, cause of all the anxiety that falls on him in this au - so he’d be just fully stressed with the whole situation. Another one of his baby bros suddenly having to deal with all this shit?!

“…fainting worthy, truly.”

2. YES, OF COURSE!! I seem to be stuck with angst right now and I’m sorry for that. I need to finish my current projects and I promise I have a little idea for a comic, fully about them being silly kids 😚❤️ the hint what’s it about is: 🍪

ALSO: THANK YOU 😭❤️❤️ that’s so sweet, I’m happy you like it! You too, have a lovely day/night! ✨

here’s a little doodle of baby orange!!

[enjoliquej]

I can't fix it - is this where I give in?

[alackofghosts]

safe and sound now