#sorry for not answering anon - but the list is genuinely too long and no one needs all that negativity!

[il-predestinato]

just curious but why are you not a Daniel fan? like what urks you about him?

Absolutely everything about him irks me. His existence, mainly.

I do think we need to bring back the underrated concept that sometimes there are celebrities/athletes that we 1) do not like, 2) will never like, and 3) that's completely okay.

[mazzystar24]

Hi, a 'BT' here! (Although I also happily ship buddie too because multishipping is so valid!) I come in peace and just looking for some discourse if that's okay? I saw the ask in regard to apparently BTs are saying that all the focus on rg means he's leaving? I haven't seen anyone say that on either side so a strange one huh!

But it was more your comments in terms of pushing for Tommy to replace Eddie as lead when Ravi is right there and I just wanna say I agree! And I have seen many bucktommy shippers including myself pushing for Ravi to be main cast. He absolutely should be and deserves it and is an absolute darling angel and I love what he brings to the whole dynamic!

My biggest hope for Tommy is for his to be recurring much like Karen! Speaking of, there's another character I'd love to be main cast and who I think is ahead of the queue in front of Tommy to be main cast. Heck I'd love if all of them got to be main cast but, as much as I love bucktommy, I definitely can see there's an order to who should be main cast and don't want any 'queue jumping'

One other thing I want to out out there as food for thought, is that on both sides I see a lot of discourse thrown out through anonymous asks of 'oh the bts are saying this' or 'the buddies said this ridiculous thing!' And something I would love both sides to seriously consider is... did they really? Or are there just a few people out there who feed on the chaos that it all brings and will send out anon asks that they know will increase this 'fandom war'and pretend they are kn the other side when doing so just to get a reaction and give ammunition to 'their' side to make it seem like one side is delusional and the other side isn't?

Tldr I just wish we all got along and stopped taking messages intended to stir up hate as gospel.

Peace and love

Glad you agree on the Ravi/ main thing front!

As you know I want tommy out already so no recurring hopes from me sorry 😔💔 ngl at first I was like hmm it can be interesting and I’m not opposed to exploring bt and their potential dynamic and maybe they can redeem him and make him likeable it’d be perfect (like my comparison was if they wrote him like Hannah from bones) but like buddie endgame but as eps went on both he and a section of the fandom became so insufferable to me that I’m like I don’t care about the potential juicy storylines I just want this man off my screen - but it’s totally cool if you like him and ship them it’s just not my cup of tea

For the other part I totally get what you mean and that may be the case like I totally agree that that is possible but I hear like so many things that happen in the bt fandom secondhand cos I’ve got so many of the toxic/annoying ones blocked (my block list is a mile long genuinely) and so many have me blocked too but usually stuff that my anons mention will be talked abt by more people in the fandom (like this is) or like there have been times where if I ask my anons for elaboration links ss etc and they are able to do so

That’s why half the time when I reply it’s more so like “damn didn’t know that if that is the case then xyz” you know? Or if I saw something I’ll mention it and be like oh yeah I saw xyz and this is my opinion on it or answer

Also like I’ve first hand seen things that are like 10x worse or more delusional than the “rg must be leaving and s8 lfj main” thing like no lie some of this stuff makes that seem tame in comparison so it’s like the chances they’ve said this are like HIGH

Genuinely I agree with you on that last point I do wish that this fandom was how it used to be and more peaceful but certain things I follow this kinda mental rule I’ve always had which is that I won’t respect a disrespectful opinion

Like from the very start of the discourse I’ve been very oh let ppl ship what they want and enjoy their fandom space and from the start I’ve encouraged proper tagging to help people do that and like even if you’re fully delusional abt your ship I fully respect that (not saying YOU are but I’m saying like let’s say one side is like yesss they are getting married in s8 and having a baby on the first episode I would genuinely just mentally be like woah that’s a bit delulu but love that for you and move on)

My only issue really has been where people from the bt fandom (not saying they are the only ones who do this but I’m saying personally speaking it’s what I see and what I experience also not saying it’s all the bt fans and I do try to say that as much as possible) being disrespectful whether this be through being racist, being ableist or rude to the buddie fans just to boost their ship

Like I’m so not against hating stuff like seriously idc hate whatever you want rant about it and make twenty posts and make so many jokes but when you’re being disrespectful or when it crosses certain bounds it’s like you’re a piece of shit

Anyways I got carried away but thanks for being so nice and respectful in your ask 🫶

[bunnygirllover45]

hi. this is not a question per se but more like a comment. it is completely unrelated to everything, I just wanted to say thank you. this may sound completely stupid, but I am a trans man and I suffer from chest dysphoria. I bought a binder and even though it made me feel a lot better, but I realized that my chest was not completely flat. before, I was always like "I need to have a flat chest or I die." I still have some chest volume, that is very minimal, but it is there. days passed and watching your oc (the batshit male one, I love him) not having a complete flat chest despite being a guy made me feel a lot more secure on myself.

I've seen plenty of guys that were assigned male at birth (and even ones assigned female at birth but with complete confidence even without a completely flat chest), both real life people and fictional characters, and they have made me more confident. you've helped with that, so I wanted to say thanks.

also. your art is pretty and your style is unique. don't ever stop what you're doing.

sorry for the long text. you don't have to answer this, I just wanted you to read it. I hope you have a very nice day, night, or whatever moment of the day you're on. :)

Oh dear,, this is really cute. I understand this issue a lot, I've been dealing with dysphoria too for years, no matter how much I tried I always felt like I would never feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't wanna get too personal, but I still deal with those feelings every day, sometimes I wish I wasn't born like I was. Let me tell you something anon, gender is a fucking excuse to label things for marketing purposes, you can be whoever you want. I know it's hard not to think "I shouldn't have this" or "My body should be like that" ( I deal with those thoughts often too.) just to fit an imaginary list of attributes a gender should have invented by society that doesn't understand your struggles, you feel like a man? then you're one! It's okay if you still don't like some parts about yourself, hell, I hate some of mine too; do anything that makes you feel better, that really makes you feel like you belong there, in your own body. I'm really happy my art helped you. I hope you have a very nice day too, thanks for taking the time to send me this. And remember, you're handsome! you're valid, you're doing your best, and most of all, you're you, the most genuine and beautiful form of you.

[wetcatspellcaster]

I hope this isn't too personal. If it is, I apologize and you can obviously ignore it! But you've mentioned how there was a period where you were going through some stuff and stopped writing. I had the same thing happen, and things are better (yay for both of us getting through Stuff), but my writing still hasn't come back, and it's been years. I know you said BG3 itself helped bring it back, but did you do anything to help force yourself back into writing mode? Just wondering if you had any tips or anything. Thanks!

hey anon, I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling to write. I'm going to do my best to answer but I've found writers block to be a highly personal thing so I'm not sure what I did works for everyone!

I've had two periods of writing block - one was years long due to having a high pressure university degree and then general life stuff after (18-26) the other was due to depression and something in a fandom upsetting me to the point where I didn't want to interact anymore.

So the first piece of advice I have is, work out what the root cause of the issue is, and address it! Which sucks! It's basically therapy! It feels very silly to even be advising it. But for my first writers block I realised I was putting too much pressure on myself - I wanted everything I wrote to be Meaningful and Perfect - so I devised the silliest and most entertaining writing project I could ever imagine for myself and got rid of expectation, and this broke through the block entirely. I began thinking of writing as a hobby I do for fun rather than a vocation or future profession, etc. I came to this drug late, so people who've been writing fic for longer probably won't find that novel - but I did! For the second issue, I took a break and then I readjusted how I interact with fandom. I probably seem quite antisocial at times to others, but I've just changed my boundaries to make it so I'm comfortable and so I keep writing. I realised that I didn't like the grounds on which I'd been operating on ao3 so I changed them - the block shifted again.

Often, it's not the writing that you're struggling with, necessarily, it's something else in the mix that's preventing you from doing it. See if you can find out what that is!

The second part of your question is 'how do you force writing back'... I don't think you can, honestly. Placing pressure on yourself, I've found, always backfires. But my advice for getting started writing again after a break is as follows:

Make a really fun project, as silly or cringe or self-indulgent as possible. Something you are genuinely excited about putting down on paper. Something that feeds you specifically. from a favourite maladaptive daydream, to a silly one shot, to a laundry list of all your favourite fictional things.

If you feel like you literally can't write sentences, bullet point something instead. This means that you won't feel guilt about losing the idea you've had, but also i've found that whenever I return to bullet points, it's easier to start writing bc it's not a blank page. Whatever your notes are, I promise they will be useful. If you write them in a low energy time and come back to them at a higher energy time, even better, bc past-you has literally set up a little springboard for you once you have the bandwidth to jump!

Reduce pressure. This one is very personal so it'll seem vague. Reducing pressure could be not publishing anything until it's finished. Reducing pressure could be publishing or sharing with friends immediately, so you get support and motivation to help you keep going and don't feel like you're working alone. Reducing pressure could be to pick the easiest project you have first, so you do something that maybe feels simplistic at the time, but it helps you build confidence for facing more ambitious projects later.

I don't know if any of that is helpful, but I've honestly found that for me, keeping writing as fun as possible has been what allows me to keep doing it. Any time I feel anxiety or stress creeping in, I try to remind myself of that by any means necessary.

[gracieart]

You’re seriously going to take drawing requests from A Court of Thought?!? Someone who routinely lies, gaslights, bullies, and blocks Elriels? You were truly one of my fave people on this platform but watching you pander to Eluciens…whew, the respect I’ve lost.

Hello anon. I seem to have upset another one of you.

First and foremost, I am going to draw whatever I want and I'm not going to apologize to you. Let me just get that out in the air.

And for now, we are just going to ignore how you seem entitled to me, my art, my free time, and what I decide to do so we can quickly address your concern here.

I want to preface this by saying I sat on this ask for hours because I was genuinely so confused where this came from. I literally had no idea what you were referring to. I thought ‘A Court of Thought’ was you trying to criticize me for taking art prompts for A Court of Thorns and Roses and that you were saying I do all those things you mention. Which, as you can imagine, made me very sad.

But it finally dawned on me (after one of my friends pointed it out to me) that you were referring to the comment I replied to from the blog ACourtofThought.

After that realization, your comment started to make sense… for the most part.

Now, I have never once spoken to or even heard of this person before they commented on one of my posts. I know absolutely nothing about them. I’ve never even seen one of their posts. But if what you say is true, then you should know there is no possible way I could have even heard of them before, as I have a long list of anti tags blocked and have a strict no negativity policy on all my blogs. If you knew me at all, or if I was one of your favorite people on this platform, as you claim, then you should know that about me at the very least. I make it very very clear I do not deal with that kind of negativity.

And you know, not everyone in this fandom chooses to surround themselves with negativity. I hope you free yourself from this, truly.

I am not upset that you talked down to me, hurt my feelings, and insulted me. No, I’m mostly upset about the fact that you immediately jumped to the worst conclusions about me. The fact is I simply replied to a nice comment I saw on a post I made. That’s it. You saw that and thought “Wow, this woman is siding with this person I really dislike. And she obviously knows exactly who this person is and why I dislike them so much. So how dare she!”

…That is what you thought, am I wrong?

This is unwarranted and out of context. I am not “pandering” to Eluciens. I was simply asking my very kind mutuals, who happen to like that ship, if they had any prompts they wanted me to draw. And I tagged Elucien in that post so it reached other people. I have so many nice and genuine friends on here who ship all kinds of things, and I want to create something that makes them happy too. Is that a crime?

What if I told you I’m the exact same person I’ve always been? What if I told you that all the while I’ve been one of your “favorite people on this platform,” I’ve been doodling Elucien for some of my longest friends. Would you still have had any respect for me left to lose if you knew that all along?

I won’t talk about the ships here. If you want to know about that, go see my response to the other ask I answered yesterday.

When I first saw this ask, I’ll admit it upset me very much. So much so that I couldn’t get anything done for most of the day because I was so sad that someone would say something like this to me. But I’ve had a whole day to think about this, and I’ve come to one conclusion: I really don’t think you had much respect for me to begin with if you are so quick to turn around and talk down to me and insult me after I seemingly did something to offend you.

And if I did offend you, you could have easily just unfollowed me and moved on. But… you chose to go out of your way to insult me. Why?

I am sorry you are stuck in a place where you feel like you have to assume the worst of people. I’m sorry you have found yourself surrounded with so much negativity in this fandom. Fandom is a place for people to come together because they enjoy something, and I am truly sorry you’ve fallen into the part of the fandom that doesn’t comprehend that.

I’ll never begin to understand why people can’t see that kindness is so much easier. But at least I have a lovely circle of friends on here I can fall back on. Friends who have different opinions, who ship different things, or like other stuff. Friends who are in a completely different circle, but are the kindest, most compassionate people I’ve ever met.

Anon, I truly wish for you to find that for yourself. Try surrounding yourself with kind people who like different things. You will be so much happier. Trust me. There are so many nice people out there once you step outside your own circle.

[multiplicity-positivity]

advice ask-

TL;DR: how does one deal with a persecutor who is also quite young?

i dont mean deal with as in lock away, or anything of the sort, i genuinely really want to help them. one of our headmates, an ex-persecutor until very very recently, has been falling back to a lot of really bad old habits due to some things that happened

they're also getting? younger?? for some reason?? they were 19 when this started, they're 15 last i saw, which has never been near their age range

i just feel so bad cause i can see and feel how damn much they're hurting, they fronted for less than an hour earlier and the body had a headache for several hours afterwards because of how much stress and negativity they're holding on to

i know a lot of people say the first step is communicating, helping them figure out what's wrong and how to deal with it, but they won't listen or talk about it. several of us have tried talking with them and trying to help, but every time they either leave or completely disengage, and despite repeated efforts they refuse to talk to our therapist

they're trying so hard, and i dont think they even want to be hurting us based on some of the things i've picked up, but they just can't help it

what is there, if anything, that we could do to help them? for our own safety, and primarily theirs, i just want to make some progress towards helping them resolve everything

🪐🏢 (emojis so i can be on anon but process the ask as mine if i see it)

Hi! We’re going to link to you a couple asks we’ve answered in the past with advice for dealing with persecutors. Please note that the second post has a trigger warning for mentions of suicide and sexual assault!

Hopefully the advice listed in those posts can help you!

And some advice specific to y’all’s situation might be just kindness, kindness, kindness. Have patience with them when they lash out. Remind them that you’ll always be there, willing to provide a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Don’t judge them too harshly when they make a mistake. Don’t force them to engage with anyone inside or outside your system that they don’t want to. It may take y’all a while to adjust to these behaviors, but it will be well worth it in the long run for making this persecutor feel more secure and loved by all of you!

Perhaps buy a notebook or set up a note/Google doc/Word document for this headmate which can be a space just for them, no one else. Allowing them to have their own private space to vent, get their thoughts out, and express themself might help them feel better about themself and their circumstances overall. Our persecutors each have their own journal and their own sideblog here on Tumblr which they can use however they wish. After we reached a point where more of our alters could trust our therapist, one of our persecutors has actually brought their journal to therapy and talked to our therapist about what’s been bothering them.

If you do provide a journal or set up a sideblog for your persecutor, please respect their boundaries and try to avoid looking at it! We know this can be difficult when the whole system shares a body, device, etc. But making an effort to respect this persecutor’s privacy can go a long ways in helping them feel safe and secure.

Ultimately, it will be up to them to decide for themself to make positive decisions and strive for positive change. But offering to be there for them, to support and uplift them while respecting them and giving them space when they need it, all of this could help them reach a point where they’re able to change for the better!

We’re wishing your whole system the very best of luck with this, and we will keep your dear persecutor in our thoughts! We really do hope that y’all can find peace, understanding, and comfort in your future, and that soon this persecutor can feel heard, respected, and taken care of. Thank you so very much for doing your best to take care of your headmate - your efforts aren’t going unnoticed!! Again, good luck with everything, and thanks for reaching out!

🌷 Corrie and 💚 Ralsei

[snowbellewells]

Let's spread some love 😘. What are some of your top five favourite cs fics?

Okay Anon, so I genuinely haven't been ignoring your question, and I truly do LOVE to sing the praises of our many, MANY talented CS and OuaT fic writers, but it is so hard to have an answer of only 5!!! I would honestly say it is pretty much impossible!!! (Krystal @kmomof4 did force me to give her a Top 5 list this summer, but I only did it because she insisted it was necessary ;p and I'm still not sure it would always be the same five, depending on mood and what I'm JONESING for - ha ha, that pun was unintentional! - at the moment!)

In all seriousness though, even at that, I had to make up multiple brackets, like "normal" people do for the NCAA Sweet 16, to try to narrow down my choices. For real! I had several different sheets just to try to narrow it down somewhat: One Shots, Two or Three Shots, Short MCs, Long (Epic) MCs, Enchanted Forest fics, Modern AU Fics, Missing Moment/Canon Compliant Fics, Canon Divergent Fics, Whump and Hurt Comfort fics, you get the idea....It went on and on!

Still, in the effort to at least attempt to answer your question, and highlight some great stories and authors, as @booksteaandtoomuchtv did a few days ago, here's a sampling from my shorter story favorites (in no particular order, and certainly not complete or extensive)

Some AMAZING shorter works:

"One Jump Ahead" by: @andromeda3116

"A Charm of Powerful Trouble" by: @spartanguard

"It's Not Your Eyes" and "Round and Round" by: @killians-dimples (on ff.net that's the username anyway)

"Hold My Heart"// "All for Love" /// "Lessons Learned" /// "A Place Called Home" by: Montana-Rosalie (again, sorry it's ff.net, but sometimes I've loved them long enough that's the only place I can find them! And if you thought her MCs could be devastating, well, she can do it in one shots too!!)

"With You" by: @seastarved

"Protective" and "Monster Tamer" by: @vickyvicarious

"Every End is a New Beginning" by: @drowned-dreamer

"Moonlit Comfort" by: @imlaxdris71 (Just FYI - this is technically Irish Swan Trio)

"Slipped Away" by: @niniadepapa

"A Light to Fight the Shadows" and "Breathe Out (so I can breathe you in)" by: ladybonehollows

"Double-Edged" by: @iverna

"Saudade" by: @apiratewhopiness

"Raging Fire"// "My Pleasure"// "Hope for the Orphans" // "An Education in Southern Gothic" // "Blackbird" // "Something Beautiful" // "Better than Chocolate Cake" by: @searchingwardrobes

"Hope is the Thing with Feathers" by: @searchingwardrobes and @hollyethecurious

"Somewhere Out There" and "In the Viper's Den" by: @kmomof4

"Flicker from View" // "Never Nothing" // "the Swan and her Handler" // "The Promises We Keep" by: @elizabeethan

"Drift" and "Leaving Las Vegas" by: @thisonesatellite

*** Okay, this got away from me Nonnie! And I'm gonna have to come back with another post - this is already super-long, and it's just the shorter ones, and I know I've left out many authors I simply adore! I'll be back with longer ones, maybe I should try to make it a Friday habit. Hope this answers your question at any rate! :)

[sorcerous-caress]

hey I’m glad you’re not weirded out or anything by the tickling stuff (I’m the anon by the way) I might write something with my tav after I’m done with the “my tav as a companion” part 2 with the list questions you made after my first one but I don’t how long that’ll take since I kinda feel weird writing about my tav in that way since they are based off myself not that I don’t want to do it I would like to write stuff like that for an OC I’ve never done it before but it kinda feels like I’d be doing something “naughty” which I guess I would be but anyways I’ll write something I’m gonna try and get over the awkward feeling so I can go more in depth with the “my tav as a companion” romance part because I feel like I can touch more on that

(sorry for ranting, longer than I thought it’d be)

I get what you're feeling exactly, and my only advice to that is to embrace it.

All writing in some form or another, is based on yourself. Every character you've written fanfics about, every OC you've made, every small headcanon, all of them are connected to you.

All of them, hold a small part of you in them, a small truth that you might not be unaware of. Writers can only write about their own experiences and emotions, even in fantasy and imaginary scenarios, you have to base it around something you're familiar with to be able to comprehend it.

I'm aromatic yet I write romantic stories, I have never felt romantic love so I base all of my romantic stories on how platonic love felt to me and mix it with what I think romantic love should be like based on what other people said.

I get the feeling of vulnerability when revealing things about an OC that holds a lot of your own cores as a human, that was based on your own image. That's why it's good to remember that everything else was also based on your own image, you just weren't aware of it. You've left a trace of your personality and your fingerprints on every character and subject you've touched.

Honestly, I am not in the best state health wise to answer this, but I didn't want to leave it sitting for long.

There is a fear of being cringe, I genuinely truly get it. I still feel it too a lot of times, fear of being too weird or off putting. It's so easy to tell someone to "just express themselves" until that self expression manifests in a way that doesn't fit the socially acceptable ideas of other people.

Who gives a shit if I don't like tickle stuff? What right do I have to judge you? What right does anyone have to judge you? None of us matters when it comes to your own writing and self expression, only you matter.

Likewise for me, I like cringe worthy stuff too! And I subtily microdose them into my writing because I don't have the courage to come outright and say it. I am afraid. You are braver than me in that aspect and honesty kudos to you for being yourself unapologetically.

I had an old writing blog where I only wrote tame fluffy stuff that everyone wanted, only expressed myself within social acceptable limits, only showed the most clean and sanitized versions of my art.

And you know that phrase about if you don't like what you're writing then other people won't? It's a huge fucking lie. That blog was so much bigger and more popular than this blog in a shorter amount of time.

I had triple the followers I have now, so many nice comments and reblogs, too many requests than I could keep track of. People loved the sanitized version of my writing.

I didn't, I hated it. It was empty and souless and I had to force myself to sit down and write it. Scrub away all traces of my own personality from it and make it the most appealing to the general public.

Words never flowed like they do to me now, I dreaded opening my requests back then, I dreaded checking on my notes.

And so I left it at the height of its popularity, didn't even say a thing just slowly ghosted away.

Don't do what I did, is what I'm saying. You have a lovely OC and if you want to put more of your own self and your own interests in them then so be it. I promise other people won't know and even if they connect the dots, they'd have to be actual weirdos to make judgments on a real human being based on an imaginary doll they move around.

Give Sean the tickle kink if you want that's perfectly okay. Base all of his companion answers around yourself if you want, make him an extension of you. Maybe he will slowly take what you've given him and evolve to his own character, maybe he will always remain a beautiful reflection of you, both of these outcomes are welcomed as long as they make you happy.

I did it with Sol, bpd isn't the best, and making an OC that represents all the worst traits I saw in myself and showing them love and care helpled me unimaginably. And fuck yeah I definitely base their answers around myself, every writer bases their writing around themselves, how else are you supposed to create originality? Your mind is the only completely original source that only YOU have access to!

It's a fucking gold mine, an exclusive library of experiences and moments that no one else but you know about. And you want to ignore it and put 13 layers of irony between you and everything you create? For whAT?

Kids love plushies and get attached to them because the plushies are their own OCs in a way, the dolls represent an extension of their inner psyche. So when kids hug and shower their plushies with love, or even get reinact a dramatic sad story with their dolls, it's them talking to themselves.

Art is communication, whether it be with an audience or with yourself. self-indulgence is the thing that makes art worth making. It's what gives it a soul, it's what sets it apart form AI bullshit.

And some people will see themselves in Sean. Did I tell you that the tickle fic requests I wrote had likes and reblogs from other people? I would've never imagined someone would like it besides the requester yet there were others.

We're all really weird, inside. If you're going to be original and create art that you like then it will be weird and cringy, same goes for me, same goes for everyone.

Embrace it, peel the layers of irony, be yourself unapologetically. You are worth it.

And side note, I really enjoy your requests and reading what you send me about Sean. But my own enjoyment always comes after your own comfort and boundaries. You don't have to answer any questions that make you uncomfortable in the "as a companion part 2" list.

I will always view these answers through Sean and as a reflection of him, never a reflection of the author. That's a right only you have and a line only you can draw.

[mika-no-sekai-blog]

i’m saying this with the most complimentary intentions possible - but as someone who’s read your work from chapter one of heal me and am reading the new eris fic rn, your writing has improved so much i’m proud of you.

which is not to say that you weren’t a good story teller before - but you sound more confident of your command over the language and that shines through. i feel like you’ve also allowed yourself to be more experimental and expressive - and its so great i’m genuinely thankful that i’m able to read it for free haha

as a writer myself, i know it’s not always easy to realise what you’ve accomplished, which is the only reason i’m pointing out how you’ve evolved - because i think you should be proud of yourself too. hope you’re having a fun time exercising your creative muscles ahah, i’ll be sat here waiting for your next update :)))

Hi, anon. I'm sorry it took me soo long to answer your ask, but whoa 😮

This is the most encouraging ask I've ever got. You've tapped on the door of the biggest insecurity of mine and managed to close it for some time. Thank you so much.

It's so big relief to hear that others notice any improvements. As non-native speaker it's hard to pinpoint a change. There are still too many mistakes I'm not aware of, it takes forever to write anything and browser&translator are buddies that are greatly needed. But I'm definitely more confident than I used to be to the point I'm scared to open the very first story here🫣

Any of this would be impossible without my great teachers: Sarah J Maas, Jennifer Armentrout, Stephanie Garber, Clarissa Broadbent and the rest of list of the authors I've ever read in English. That's the best language school ever😘

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Hello! I’m not an ARMY, not even a Kpop stan, but a friend of mine is. I found you through the same friend since they know I’m curious. From your recent post, you mentioned BTS’ sincerity and genuineness and these qualities are always mentioned when it comes to them. I’ve always wanted to ask but didn’t want to offend, and from my impression of your blog, you seem okay to ask! I wanted to ask- how can people tell? How is their sincerity measured? How can people tell when it’s sincerity and not just an act as part of the job? Is it because they always communicate with their fanbase? Parasocial relationships? And how were they able to maintain such, how are people so sure of their sincerity?

Sorry if I asked too many questions! I tried to ask my friend but their answer didn’t really clear up anything for me.

**

Hi Anon,

To be frank, I'm not sure I can help you, because I think you're going about this the wrong way... I'm not offended or anything, but the thing is if I'm understanding your ask correctly, what you're essentially asking for is a short cut.

A way to verify that what BTS communicates to their fanbase is true for them, that the way BTS acknowledges and/or partakes in that parasocial relationship and have maintained this apparent connection for so long, is in fact based on a connection that is mostly honest, sincere, and true.

No offense Anon, but how can you be convinced of anybody's sincerity only from hearing about it from someone else? Wouldn't you rather reach that conclusion on your own? Based on what you yourself can observe?

10s of millions of people have reached the conclusion that BTS are sincere people, by watching them closely for 10 years. I could rattle off examples of BTS living out that sincerity over the years, but that wouldn't be doing justice to BTS, nor will it be ultimately helpful to you because there is no short cut to determining whether or not BTS are sincere people. You actually have to watch them, listen to or read what they say, hear them detail out their thoughts and beliefs, and see for yourself if their actions match their words, **consistently. That is how you'll notice that yes, though BTS are often placed in scripted situations (as is the case with any idol), there have also been several instances over the years were they go off script or act with integrity and compassion on their own time, off the company clock, and have acted with sincerity in the art they create. The only example I'll list for your benefit in this post is how Jimin and RM used their only day off in 2016, to visit Yongdeungpo Jjomool Children's Kingdom - an orphanage they'd promised to visit 2 years before.

I suspect this is partly why your friend's answers did nothing for you, because sincerity goes hand in hand with integrity, candor, trust, and courage, shown consistently - meaning there has to be an observable track record, a history, that explains that quality. And there's no getting around it, you actually have to sit through at least some of the content around BTS that spans the last 10 years, to reach any satisfactory conclusion on this question.

Getting through 10 years of content is no small feat so I understand why you asked me this question, but you do have to see it for yourself to be convinced of something as easy to fake as sincerity.

I have two suggestions for you, to get to determining this for yourself.

Listen to their music and actually read the lyrics. BTS write their own music, and that in itself should cover 50% of the answer here.

There's an abundance of filmed material showing BTS speaking unfiltered (or as unfiltered as anyone can be on film), but one series that condenses all that material in an easily accessible way, is a fan-made documentary series on Youtube called The Rise of Bangtan.

*

People recognize in BTS a strong work ethic, a commitment to their team even at the expense of their own personal desires for such a long time, a meticulousness in their process that can only come about by loving what you do and caring about its impact on the people you're making it for. All these things evoke an emotional reaction in the people watching them, because many people recognize these are not actions without a personal cost - a cost that simply cannot be paid without a sincere heart and personal integrity.

Good luck. 💜

[futuregws]

Hi! I’m the anon asking about how long the fixation lasts. I mean no harm! I’m sorry if you thought it was a mean ask.

I was just wondering because I’m onto the same fixations you have. I was into F1 (not the gossip part tho haha) and then I checked your Tumblr and now your an F1 fan too! I’m just excited really!

Altho my excitement for it has subsided a bit now and I’m back in a David Tennant hole/fixation bc of the new Doctor Who content.

That and HOTD and everything else. I seriously need to make a list- anyhow, I really hope you’re having a lovely day and don’t mind the haters! Those people are jealous x

Hi!! Sorry for my response it's just that at the time that you sent that in I was dealing with so much bullshit from anons and they weren't leaving me alone so when I read that I was a bit like could this be another one of those bc they want me to leave or are they genuinely asking, so that's why I didn't really respond how I would to someone being rude to me, but I also didn't give you a response to your question bc I really didn't know how to feel, but thank you for coming back to clarify and now that I know that it's with no ill intention I will totally answer, hopefully it makes sense.

So my interest for F1 came very suddenly and in a very weird way that I'm embarrassed to even admit how lmao 😂 and it's something that has been gaining my attention more and more for example now I'm trying to learn more about the actual engines and the details of the cars (so if anyone has any tips or places I can go check out for that let me know) so it's constantly catching my attention in a way, and that's how something needs to be to continue being my fixation bc I have ADHD, and I've heard that this is kinda related to that apparently Idk, but so far I don't see my interest going away and I really hope it doesn't bc I want to experience a full season you know, which considering it will take months it really depends on how I can keep myself entertained until then.

But then there's other stuff that I'm still obsessed over but I guess I can't really call it an fixation anymore, for example, my fixation that lasted the longest and even when it got toned down I was still so obsessed and in love and now it's coming back, is hotd since the show came out I never once stopped looking at stuff about it specially Rhaenyra like when I tell you I am obsessed with that woman.

But then there's other fixations that I still have a huge love for but (and it honestly breaks my heart to say it) I don't focus on it as much and I can't explain why bc I still absolutely love it and that's Marvel.

So basically how long will it last?? It depends on how much content I can find to keep me entertained lol

And thank you anon for that last little message I appreciate it, I hope you have a great day/night too

[venus-of-the-hrdsell]

It's Hellblazer anon again and I finished it! What an amazing read! There's a thousand positive things I could say about it but instead I'm going to rant at you about those last 50 issues. You once mentioned that Azzerello was your villain origin story....well Milligan is mine. I have never read such dogshit writing in my entire life. The fact that it was Hellblazer's last issues really bloody rubs me the wrong way as well. It was character assassination on a world wide level, no survivors, everyone was annihilated. MY GOD WHAT WAS PETER MILLIGAN THINKING?? John was sooo pathetic and old and obsessed with having a wife?! All he does in those last issues is be obsessed with boring women? Like sweetie don't you have better things to do?? Phoebe was so bland, Epiphany was genuinely the absolute worst and Milligan tried sooo hard to sell us on this weird marriage? He even went as far as to bring back Kit and get John to tell her that he loves this random chick way more than he loved Kit 😭 like wtf, Kit was so important to John, their relationship was so special and Milligan just had to shit all over it just to prove a point? Making Angie a punchline to fat jokes was disgusting and so unnecessary. Holy shit poor bloody Gemma? Everything around what happened with her was so revolting and she deserved so much better. Milligan just couldn't write good John angst so he had to absolutely destroy Gemma's character and I hate him so much for it. Not even Chas could escape the onslaught! John literally left Chas to die, the only reason he saved him is because his passport got rejected, like I'm sorry but John would not let his best mate die?! Also....where did the horror go?? It just turned into the John and Epiphany show where all they did was have sex and talk about how shit everyone else was. Speaking of, words can not describe how much I hate Epiphany. Two dimensional, written way too edgy, and her being that young just felt like Milligan was trying to act out a fantasy. I just.....hated this run with my entire being. So boring, so badly written, lacking substance and I was glad that it ended. Also I have no idea wtf that ending was but I hate Milligan for having that privilege and absolutely fucking it up. He also gets the medal for writing the absolute worst love interests. Sorry that got so long but I had to tell someone! I'm honestly just pretending that none of that was canon. Gemma forgave her uncle and became a doctor, Kit and Angie lived happily ever after, Chas got a cool new car and John got to have a pint. There, fixed it.

(I'm so sorry for answering this so late) but anon I hear you and I FEEL YOU because I was sleepless the night I finished Hellblazer because of HOW BAD those last 50 issues were. It's infuriating that this trash trainwreck had more issues than the good writers Hellblazer had??? Like???

It's genuinely one of the few runs in comics that aren't salvageable for me because it both destroys John as a character, destroys the Hellblazer lore and it's side characters and sends continuity to hell (there's so many errors I can easily list here). It's also incredibly misoginistic by vertigo standards because everyone woman on it either gets disrespected, shamed abused or FRIDGED. And the fact that DC saw the shitty work this writer did on John and was like "this is the PERFECT candidate to write a Constantine lead team Justice League Dark:) "

So my best advice is to do as I do (and Spurrier) and pretend that run doesn't exist. For me, Diggle's run is the perfect conclusion for Hellblazer (this, or the route Lemire took with John on Swamp Thong: Green Hell).

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: mentions of sexual topic, mentions of sexual fantasies (not mine), boundaries being ignored, implied stalking (??? just in school/not serious?), discussion of crushes, animals

looking for: support, answer/input, validation

I was wondering if you'd have the answer to what a certain situation I found myself in years ago was? When I was in grade 7 (or grade 8?) there was someone a year or two older that ended up having a crush on me. I'd recently moved to a new school and wasn't really making any friends and because they were part of the extra-support group (also gifted) they had access to some rooms in the school most people didn't.

We ended up becoming friends and I didn't fully know about their crush on me until we were having a sleep over and they decided to tell me about their.. stories (fanfiction?) they liked to write and fantasize about where.. where the largest of animal crossing characters would have sex with me.. without me reciprocating, to put it one way. The person went into detail about the size of the animal's parts and even when I told them to stop they kept talking about it. I ended up curling up in the bottom of my sleeping bag and covering my ears to ignore them, but they kept talking about it in way way too much detail (because I think they found me being uncomfortable cute??). They did it other times too, but that was the first time and it was very unforgettable (unfortunately).

It still makes me super uncomfortable now just thinking about it, and I really really don't know why they did that. They sometimes pressured me into doing things too (never as far as kissing though) and would often randomly "find" me in school (even when we changed schools AT DIFFERENT YEARS because they're older than me). They were also able to play the gifted/special needs/tutoring card and get us alone in empty classrooms during work times because the teachers liked them and didn't like me (long story. they thought I was selectively mute and I had to do sleeve checks because I give off traumatized vibes without any adults actually doing anything).

A few years after that they told me that "did you know when we knew each other back then I had a crush on you?" and acted like they didn't remember any of it? I cannot play any animal crossing game without remembering the MULTIPLE stories the person told me about many of the animal crossing characters.

There wasn't any official touching so I know it wasn't really sexual harassment, but what sort of situation would this be?? is it toxic at all?? I've had worse things happen but for some reason that one really grosses me out, because whenever I think about anyone having a crush on me I just think of those sorts of situations and I feel very exposed/gross/icky.

I also have had 2 other people with crushes on me stalk me (in school and school events, and on buses too.) and one of them had a crush on me from grade 5 to 11 (idk if it went longer? they pretended they didn't until.. things got very messy.) be very jealous and possessive(?) and try and pressure me into doing things.

And another one in grade 8 that was under the school's watch list (in terms of mental health risks) so they got to hang out in the student success room and empty classrooms during work time and they'd always get me to join them (I didn't like that teacher). I'm admittedly really bad at picking up the social cues of someone being interested in me so I just think I'm getting a new friend, and then things like this happen :(

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry that you went through these things.

That's definitely not okay and a violation of your boundaries. You did not deserve that. It's honestly surprising to me that someone genuinely thought it was okay to continue with something that made you visibly uncomfortable, as if they were unable to interpret body language. Ignoring body language is a dangerous red flag.

Sexual harassment can be purely verbal. For example, catcalling is a kind of sexual harassment. For this person to make you sexually uncomfortable could qualify as sexual harassment if that is a term you feel is fitting. Please know that it is up to you how you define this experience.

It sounds like you've unfortunately had many experiences of people violating your boundaries and space and making inappropriate moves. I'm proud of you for speaking up about these things because it's important. I think that can be a helpful first step in processing these experiences.

You are a valid survivor.

I hope you're doing okay now. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[tryhardgwen]

rs archive 05/13/2024:

Out of genuine curiosity, what are your thoughts on "morally questionable" fics (especially in the rpf community)? Please feel free to ignore this if answering that question makes you uncomfortable!

hi anon and thank you for your ask! sorry for the late answer, i was thinking on this one for a while. trigger warning for anyone, i mention sensitive topics here.

the thing about morals is that they're subjective. like, obviously, many people like to think they're objective, and they are to a point. like MORALLY, child abuse is BAD! that is very true! don't abuse children guys! but what i'm trying to say is the line blurs a bit when it comes to comparably less bad and harmful stuff--what you're talking about: the ~questionable~. some people think writing rpf is morally wrong. do i? looks at my works um no. personally, i think life is too short to ponder on the morality of writing stupid fanfiction about league of legends proplayers. but to answer your question on "morally questionable" topics in fics specifically--im assuming, r/nc, death, self-harm/suicidal ideation, gore, abject characterization (like portraying (specifically an irl person) as a rapist or something)? i think it's the same kinda thing. people do or not do it, if i don't like it i won't interact. im sure they have their reasons and im im not going to go yelling at people for doing something or not doing something. was nabokov wrong for writing lolita? will me answering that question change anything? as long as you are true to yourself, your morals, and your beliefs, then i think that's good. in the broader scope of things, whats important is living a happy and fulfilling life yk. igaf what people do. i personally don't feel comfortable reading or writing some things, so i just don't do it or interact with it.

however, i have written/am writing gore and some more heavy topics (im literally working on a hunger games au right now). i'm sure that falls under "morally questionable/wrong" for some people. im sure rpf falls under "morally questionable/wrong" for some people! like, don't blame me was rather "tame" but like, if you think about it seriously, i literally strip keria of his humanity and turn him into an obsession demon. is that wrong? who knows i just thought "haha runeterra demon" because i read WAY too much fiddlesticks lore and then wrote a fic. i touch on suicidal ideation, self-harm, and abuse in all my love. i probably/might/maybe/im not promising anything will write some form of smut in the future, only what im comfortable with though. like i said, it's largely an introspective experience and has to do with yourself and your morals. if you decide you don't like something, don't interact, but don't go spreading hate to the people that do like it. the only thing i regret in reference to my fics and morality is probably like, we just need some time together but only because i was in a bad headspace when i wrote it (depression goes brr) and i think i used a lot of my emotions there in a bit of an unfiltered way. maybe it isn't as bad as i remember it, though. i haven't read it in a while and i wrote it two-ish years ago. should probably reread it.

just cus this is MY retrospring (ha) ill leave a lil list for people about my works specifically (subject to change, but probably wont). basically what my fics revolve around, what i will/wont write. um, all my fics revolve mainly around love. (love that takes a darker turn in like, don't blame me) but it really is the main topic i write about--relationships and love (but doesn't everyone?). haha funny for an arospec girl, right--but love exists on many wavelengths, not just romantic, so yeah. love for writing and esports and the players in general is why i write. next, i won't ever write suffering for the sake of it. im not someone who goes into google docs like "im going to write whump and cause pain and suffering and make people cry!" if angst in a fic doesn't have a substantial purpose or reason then i'm not doing it. i've scrapped one fic that did that (im not proud that i started it in the first place, but tbf to defend 2023 gwen i was in a really bad place mentally). i also won't write r/nc or like ship minors w adults or anything bc that is not something i want to do! i probably wont ever write like pure pwp cus i don't wanna. i try to portray the more difficult subjects in my works like sh/suicidal ideation/abuse/depression well and non-offensively. i keep my shipping in private places: ao3, tumblr, a private twitter, because that's what i want to do. i've identified my own morals and i stick to them!

all in all, rpf in general is weird. it literally is projecting fantasies on real people (shipping or not, which why i kind of LOL at people that hate fics shipping or with smut of real people yet turn around and write fics killing real people. ...?) like i said: it's all the same isn't it? we're projecting fake fantasies on real people and turning them into characters. obviously some fantasies are um, "worse" than others but that's exactly what i mean--that's for you to decide. i always make sure to detach my fanfiction from reality--i don't actually think the ppl im shipping are in love, and i don't take portrayals of proplayers and their characters 1to1. if a character is a "jerk" in a fic im not going to turn and go hate on that proplayer irl.

what i have realized for myself and what i can say is... don't stress about it. like i said, life is too short to worry about whether or not reading/writing fanfiction about real people (that they will (probably) never see) is a bad thing. if you get a thesis statement from this long-ass answer, it's literally life is too short to worry about [insert text here]. chill! go forth and have fun!! i love yall!!! alright, gwen out.

comment: 1k answer kinda insane BUT i wanted to add (if anyone even read this) that i realize i did stray away from the og question and focused a lot on "rpf" later in my answer, but since it's what i write/do i just naturally have a lot of thoughts/advice (?) on that. so yeah. i sort of used this question as a broad point to talk about rpf and fics and the morality of it in general!

[secretsally444]

Hi. I'm new to this whole thing so please excuse me for my directness but I'm desperately in need for an advice.

So I've been crushing on a guy in since high school. We were there together in the same college, but in different courses. We never talked, not even once. Just made eye contact a few times. Recently we both graduated college and a few days back I decided to tell him how i felt qbout him anonymously. I text him from a newly made Instagram account because I didn't want him to know who i was.

I wrote him a message appreciating how he looks in all his posts. Complimenting him and having sweet little talks with him. He seemed interested to text even though i was a complete stranger to him. He even asked where i was from and guessed that we were from the same place. I told him that i can't tell him and he seemed fine. Our first conversation ended wishing eachother a good day.

I wasn't able to contain my happiness and re-read our conversations, after which i realised how cringe i sounded in the texts i had send him. I wrote him a message,

"Hey, just wanted to say sorry if my

Messages were a bit cheesy and cringe.

It was actually on my bucket list to

send texts like that, and my cousins

dared me to do it for a laugh. Hope you

don't mind the silliness"

To this he replied: "cool"

After this his replies were blunt. He answered in one or two words, late replies even. So in middle of the conversation i confessed to him that i had a crush on him for a very long time and that he has an attractive, magnetic and charming personality. (Im sorry ik i sound cringe)

To this he replied: "Thank you. ☺️"

I again wrote him an apology msg:

''I'm again sorry to have weirded you out

by randomly texting you, that too, not

from my main account. It's weird ik. It's

just that I had a crush on you for a quite

awhile and it was nice talking to you."

He replied: "I could follow your main account. What is your main account. Tell me." He kept insisting.

I rejected the idea saying that i will be embarrassed if he followed me. He replied with: "cool"

I lastly texted "okay" which he hasn't seen till now although he's online most of the time and its been days now.

I don't know what to do. I want to talk to him about random things without him knowing my identity, who i am exactly. But at the same time I feel i ruined things from the start. I feel i should have kept things within me and not pull this stunt. Talking to him felt nice for a moment and i wished i could talk to him for some more time.

He has always been the most popular boy with huge friend circle and has an intimidating personality. He's the cliché main character, which is one of the reason why i dont ever wanna reveal my identity.

What should i do? I want to talk to him but at the same time i think i would seem weird doing so. Any advice?

Wow Anon, if I had a nickel for the amount of times I have been in a similar situation... I would be a very rich woman.

First of all, this is all incredibly normal. I want to make sure you know that. It's so hard putting yourself in a position where you could be rejected, and even harder when it's someone who you have felt a connection to for a very long time.

No matter what the outcome I want you to remember these things:

Your feelings are valid

You are worthy of love

Relationships do not define you.

Your self-worth is rooted in who you are and you don't need someone else to make you a better person... You are already enough!

Now... onto the advice!

"Main Character" is a myth. We all have strengths, weaknesses, fears, passions, faults, and skills. Just because someone is more "mainstream" doesn't mean they are unapproachable. You have every right to interact with and be connected to him, even if it may seem like he is popular and intimidating. I encourage you to be bold.

As hard and uncomfortable as it is, if you want this to be a real relationship/if you want to make a genuine connection with him you're going to have to put yourself out there. There's a saying that we throw around at work a lot... "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." Being direct is scary, but ultimately it's the only way you will know for sure. I think there is a lot of value in being open and being yourself. You have no reason to hide your identity from him. I know that idea is scary since there is the possibility he may not want to talk, but if you're wanting to genuinely get to know him you will need to embrace the un-comfy.

Since you don't have a super close relationship yet, I would also say start as friends and nothing more! Take the pressure off of your interactions by just embracing the friendship helps you feel like you can be yourself more.

Confidence is key. If you approach him confidently and explain that you have wanted to get to know him I believe that you will have more success than if you created another anonymous Instagram to do so. Like I said earlier, this is always the risk they he may say no... but if you're anything like me, you'd rather try than never know...

I think being honest and communicating clearly will get you far and in your situation I truly believe that it's the best possible solution. Be Bold, Be Brave, Be Unapologetic! The worst thing he can say is no, and in that case he's not worth your time any way. You deserve the best!

I hope this was helpful Anon, and if you need more specific advice or have further questions, please message me anytime!

[luveline]

dealbreaker [Sirius Black x reader]

word count: 4k

summary: you work in a bookstore. sirius keeps finding reasons to need books.

“What you’re reading now made you seem pleased enough,” he teased. “Maybe something else.” “Let me read it, I’ll take notes.” The way he said it had you pushing your thighs together as tightly as they could go.

tags: marauders era, fluff, flirting lol, reader works at a bookstore, getting together, james is a good friend (and a bastard), fem reader

requested by anon here

There was a ridiculously handsome guy in the bookstore.

You pulled your makeup bag out as casually as you were able, rifling through it for your mirror compact. The reflection that stared back at you looked decent, for once - the bookstore was always quiet during late February, school supplies and Christmas presents were already out of the way, and as a result you looked more rested than usual.

You used the pad of your fingertip to rub away the dark smudges of mascara under your eyes and smooth down your flyaways. Not a bad hair day.

You felt silly. It wasn’t as if someone as attractive as him was about to waste his time on a checkout girl at the bookstore. Still, when he finally made his way to the front desk, book in hand, you put on your friendliest smile.

“Good morning,” you greeted him, voice soft to match the dim light of the shop.

“Hi,” he said. God, even his voice was handsome, bright and smooth.

“Is this all I can help you with?”

This is where he gave pause. “Well-“ he placed the book down between you both so that you could see the title, “if I can ask, do you think this is the type of thing a guy my age would like?”

You studied the cover thoughtfully, looking between it and him with slow blinks.

He tilted his head.

“If you tell me what you usually like to read, I can be of more help.”

“Oh, it’s not for me,” he smiled at you. “A friend.”

“Right,” you laughed awkwardly.

“He likes most everything,” he supplied.

You flipped the cover open to the first page, a list of reviews from other authors. You turned the book so that he could see it, trailing your finger under one of the review’s title.

“This one here. I read her novel, ‘Heaven’, not too long ago. It made me sad for a long time.”

“And that’s - bad?” He sounded genuinely interested in your answer.

You shook your head as though shaking water from inside your ear. “I think the way that it could even make me sad in the first place meant it was a good book. But I’m not sure, your friend might not think so.”

“And ‘Heaven’, you have that here?”

You shook your head. “I’m sorry. Not until next week.”

“I’ll come back,” he said firmly. He’d pushed his hair out of his face, revealing his lovely, soft cheekbones.

“Alright,” you said. It came out wrong.

That should’ve been the end of the conversation, but he hesitated to move, and then said, “Is it busy here?”

You smiled, pleased. Not many customers spent time talking to you beyond a simple thank you.

“It can be. Especially in the month before school starts. The day before, even.”

He chuckled. “I can imagine. I was always running around like a twat the day before term started.”

A startled laugh burst out of you and you covered your mouth with your hand. “Me too. I was never the organised sort.”

“You look plenty organised now.”

“Do I?”

“Oh, very much so.” He waved a hand at the tower of books you’d created earlier in the week that decorated the side of the counter. “A masterpiece such as this would never come about by someone who didn’t have sufficient organisational skills.”

You grinned, “Quite right. Complicated thing, stacking.”

“Yes, I’d think so.”

Your laughter petered out. He cleared his throat.

“Right then. I’ll be back next week,” he said.

“I’ll see you then.”

“Bye, love.”

“Bye,” you said, kicking the toe of your shoe against the desk, wondering how to spend the next few hours.

-

Truth be told, you’d almost forgot about the handsome customer the next time you saw him. Life was busy and lonely and loud, there were clothes to be washed and dishes to be done and stock to be counted.

You thought of him when the new shipment of books arrived for March. Had he found a gift for his friend? You set aside a copy of  Heaven for him with a sticky note on top that said your name so a coworker knew who wanted it.

When he appeared the next time he was accompanied by a man with dark brown hair. You were in the storeroom, writing down figures, piling restocks onto your metal book cart.

Your coworker burst in. You raised an eyebrow.

“There’s a man here for you, asking about ‘Heaven’?” she said dubiously, raising her eyebrows at you.

“It’s a book,” you said.

“Sure, sweetie, sure it is.”

You rolled your eyes, dragging the cart behind you. You left it where it was when you saw him, making your way to the front counter. You pulled the copy of Heaven from your cubby. His friend had wandered off into the non-fiction section, leaving him standing by himself. He glanced at the counter and smiled when he saw you walking towards him.

“For you,” you said, offering him the book.

He turned it over in his hands. It wasn’t the most exciting looking book, and perhaps the story itself wasn’t exciting either. All you knew was that it was a damn good book.

“Do you think your friend will like it?”

He seemed surprised that you’d even remembered the book at all, smiling gratefully at your question. “I think he will.”

“Is it the one pretending not to be watching us right now?”

He looked over his shoulder with the essence of a regal man. The friend almost toppled over himself in his rush to move from sight. The handsome guy sighed through his nose. “No, not that dolt. Please ignore him.”

You laughed, a quiet thing.

“Do you need anything else?” you asked him, fully expecting him to say no.

“Actually,” he started, shoving his free hand deep in his pocket. “My friend over there is expecting. Do you have any books on pregnancy?”

You beamed. “Wow, congratulations for your friend. You can follow me down here and we’ll see what we find.”

You led him to the parenting section. It was a decent sized bookstore with a good selection of books, so finding something worthwhile was easy as pie. You searched the spines, running your hand across them until you found an old classic.

“‘Baby and Child’ by Penelope Leach,” you read to him. “Lots of mother’s come in for this one.”

You pulled it from the shelf.

“Any friend of the family’s for it?” he asked, eyes scanning the front.

“You’d be the first. It’s nice that you care so much.”

“Well, I’m his godfather. Or I will be, when he’s born,” he corrected himself in a hurry.

He was much too attractive to be stumbling over words talking to you. He was the kind of guy you’d expect to see in Teen Vogue, or in the transatlantic films they played in the local cinema. Not the kind of boy to waste time asking you about baby books and buying thoughtful gifts.

“Can I help you with anything else?” you asked, straightening your skirt out.

“Oh - no. No, that’s great. Thanks so much…?” his voice lifted up at the end.

“Y/N.”

“Y/N,” he smiled to himself. “Thanks for your help.”

“You're welcome,” you nodded, ducking away. You returned to your cart to finish putting the new stock away, watching your coworker checking out the handsome guy and his friend from the corner of your eye. You realised later that you hadn’t asked him his name in return.

-

The sunlight leaking in through the window was warming your face. Tired to begin with, you felt yourself close your eyes without thinking about it, face dropping where you held it in your hand.

It was still rather early in the year to expect any warm weather where you lived, so you savoured the heat. The pages of the book you’d been reading, hidden behind the till, were drifting shut around the fingers of your other hand. You were too tired to correct them.

The bell at the door jingled. It had been so peaceful that you flinched, straightening up on your stool.

It was the handsome guy from before. He drifted without preamble to the front desk. You hurried to look presentable, the first thought that ran through your head being, oh jesus h christ, he would come today. A day where you looked puffy and exhausted.

“Hi, Y/N.”

You did your best to contain a pleased smile. “I would say hi too, but I didn’t ask you your name last time.”

He leaned the palm of his hand on the counter between you, having to lean down just slightly to meet your eyes. “It’s Sirius.”

“Sirius,” you tested, the name sweet on your tongue. “Like the constellation.”

“Exactly like that,” he said. He was dressed smart as always, shirt rolled up to the elbows and slacks. You wondered what he did for work to dress the way he did.

“You need help?” you asked, closing your book.

He was watching your mouth. “I need a cookbook.”

“For yourself?”

“I’m hosting a dinner party,” he said. “Though ‘dinner party’ sounds awfully formal.”

“What kinda food do you want to make?”

He seemed reluctant to admit it, but he told you about how he was actually learning to cook for himself for the first time, and wanted to seem mildly put together at his house warming party. “Flat-warming party,” he corrected.

“You never cooked for yourself before?” you asked. He looked like he could be 20 years old, at least.

“I went to boarding school.”

“You did? Wow, what was that like?”

He grinned infectiously. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” he said.

You rounded the counter to lead him to the cookbook section. It was one of the biggest collections of books that you had, and he seemed appropriately daunted.

“There’s a few.”

You laughed agreeably. “I bet you saw some pretty good ones at school.”

“If you liked pickled newt and hogroast.”

“Private school, huh?”

He laughed, loud and startled, like it was the funniest thing anyone and ever said. You could feel your heart pounding in your chest. “Basically.”

“I don’t think we have anything like that…” you dug your fingertips into the soft skin at the base of your throat, thinking. “You like seafood? I use this one all the time,” you said, shuffling a few books to pull a familiar cookbook free.

“You have it at home?” he asked.

“I do. You think your dinner guests like prawn cocktail? That’s super fancy. Little cups of sauce, all that cool stuff. Oh my god, and crab! That would impress them, I bet.”

“You think so?”

“Sure. Well, maybe. There’s pasta?” you suggested, waving your hand vaguely at the Italian stuff.

He shook his head, holding his hand out for the cookbook. “If I take this one, you’ll mark down your favourites?”

“Sure.”

-

One day your coworker was grinning so widely you felt as though she was about to tell you something scandalous. You looked at her apprehensively.

“What?”

“There was a dashing young man here yesterday. Tall, dark, handsome. Spent 20 minutes loitering by the front, and then left.”

You smiled despite yourself. “He did?”

Your coworker smirked, a shark smelling blood in the water. “Yes.”

“He didn’t say anything?”

“I told him you’d be in again tomorrow.”

You gasped. “You didn’t!”

“He had that book you liked; I thought you’d be happy to see him.”

You went to the bathroom, frenzied, to apply a fresh dab of concealer under each eye, a new coat of sticky, shiny lip gloss. Your hair looked lackluster. You ran your hands through it, wetting your fingertips to push down the flyaways.

You spent hours behind the counter, at first attentive and then less so. Eventually you realised he probably wasn’t coming and stopped sitting ram-rod straight, your shoulders aching from the effort.

You took your lunch break as usual, eating a simple, squished sandwich with one hand and turning the pages of a new book with another. A romance, smutty, the kind that needed its cover to be hidden away to consume without shame.

The girl was shy, lonely, attending a Christmas party at an acquaintance's house. The love interest was intelligent, smooth. They were flirting. The guy had just said something that brought heat to your cheeks when a familiar voice broke your concentration.

“I fear I’ve come at a bad time.”

You flinched, shutting the book with enough force to make the stool wobble underneath you. He put a hand out to catch you instinctively. You recovered, dropping your sandwich back in the tattered cling film you’d wrapped it in.

You swallowed without chewing, throat burning. “I’m sorry. I didn’t hear the bell.”

“Yes, you seemed rather… entranced.”

The blush intensified. “How are you?” you asked, desperate to move the subject on.

He seemed pleased. “Brilliant. Yourself?”

“I’m good, yeah. Had a day off yesterday.” As soon as you said it, you felt stupid. He knew you’d had a day off.

“Get around to anything?”

“I did about as much as I do here, which, as you can see, isn’t a lot.”

He leaned down, resting an attractive forearm on the countertop. He looked you dead in the eye, which was enough for you to flush again. “You do plenty.”

“No, really. Getting up to find my lunch was about as much as I’ve moved today.”

“I don’t believe you.” He pushed his hand into the big pocket on his jacket. He procured a slightly worn copy of Heaven. “I borrowed this from Remus - the friend, not from last time - and I wanted to talk to you about it, if you’ve a second?”

“Yes, oh my god. Did you like it?”

“It was sad, like you said.”

“It was.”

“And the ending-“

“Infuriating,” you supplied. He nodded, sending you a smile like you were both in on a secret.

“I kept waiting for him to go and see the painting she loved. I thought they’d go see it together, at least.”

“She left so suddenly, too.”

“Right? I thought maybe, before it finished, he’d go see it himself if he couldn’t go with her,” Sirius said.

You searched for the right words to explain your thoughts. “I think… I think because the painting was never really called heaven, that it was a name she chose for it, that when he sees the trees at the end and he’s crying - he’s seeing a version of heaven himself. Not like, God’s heaven. Her heaven.”

Sirius never once looked away from you, didn’t look bored or like he disagreed. He just listened.

“I still have to wonder what the painting looked like,” he said after you’d finished.

“What would your heaven look like?” you asked him. It was perhaps too personal.

“My friends. For you?” he asked.

You weren’t sure. You knew you should say your family, your friends, but something made you really think about it.

“Have you ever gotten up so early it was still dark outside, and you go outside and it’s so quiet, it feels as though nobody else in the world is awake? And you look at the sky - it’s blue with the yellow horizon, it’s purple, or it might even be those clouds tinged pink. I don’t-“ you paused, embarrassed at your babble, “I don’t think I could choose one to be, like, immortalized as heaven. But maybe then.”

He was smiling at you.

“I’m sorry, I must sound like a terrible person.”

“No, of course you don’t. The heaven she spoke about wasn’t necessarily what she loved most in the world. She went there when she was sad.”

You smiled in relief, shoulders relaxing. “Was it only sad?”

His face was handsome, poised, and although he doled out happiness generously you couldn’t work out how he was feeling . “It made me think about stuff I’d forgotten - how people do things to other people without thinking about it. For fun.”

He was so serious. You nodded, twisting your hand in the fabric of your skirt.

“It was a good book. But uh,” he pushed his hand up through his long hair. It fell down into place, looking amazingly soft. “Maybe you can recommend something happier, this time.”

You laughed. “Yes, I think so.”

“What you’re reading now made you seem pleased enough,” he teased.

“Maybe something else.”

“Let me read it, I’ll take notes.”

The way he said it had you pushing your thighs together as tightly as they could go.

-

It was busy in the shop one day the next week. You didn’t have a chance to sit down, carrying back and forth enough notebooks and new fantasy novels to fill a school library. Your legs shook by the end of the day. You basically had to crawl back to your countertop.

There, clear as day, was a bouquet of roses. They were small, barely blooming, the color of candy floss. They were wrapped in clear plastic and resting on their side. It wasn’t a grand display, but they were beautiful.

There was a note, written on a weird parchment that didn’t have any lines in ink. You gawked at it.

‘Busy day?’

You slipped the parchment between the pages of your current read to use as a bookmark, grinning. You took the roses home, where they lived on your dresser for a month without showing any signs of wilting.

-

Somebody was staring at you in the food shop. You could feel their gaze on the back of your neck. You turned around, a little worried, to find a cute young baby gazing at you excitedly. He was extremely happy looking, a funny looking rattle in his cute chubby fist.

You waved at him. He babbled at you.

His mother was turned from you both, looking at the pasta shapes.

The baby chucked his toy as hard as he could towards you. You laughed so abruptly his mother turned around in surprise, watching as you retrieved the rattle and offered it to her. She smiled at you in thanks.

“I’m so sorry,” she apologized, pushing her long, shiny hair from her face.

“Don’t be, please,” you said.

“Harry’s recently learned that when you throw things, somebody will pick it back up for you,” she said, half-amused, half-bitter.

“He’s gorgeous. He can throw things at me as much as he likes.”

“He’s the image of my husband,” she said, waving her fingers at Harry. “Don’t tell him I said that.”

“Don’t tell me what?” James asked.

You’d seen him before. He was the friend that accompanied Sirius to your bookstore a few weeks ago, peering at you around the corner.

“Oh, it’s you,” he said.

“James?” Lily questioned, looking between you both, mildly perturbed.

“This is Y/N. You work at the book shop near us, don’t you? Where Sirius goes,” James said, dropping the kitchen towels in the cart. Harry’s happiness was tenfold. “Hello, little man.”

“I’m Lily,” she introduced herself. “Sirius is Harry’s godfather, of course.”

“Of course,” you said, though you weren’t sure at all. Harry looked very old, and Sirius had mentioned a friend who was expecting. Looks could be deceiving, but Lily didn’t appear pregnant at all. James was watching you with an amused look on his face.

“He’s 8 months,” he said, grinning.

“He’s lovely.”

“So, you know Sirius then?” Lily asked. They were a stunning couple, grinning and fresh-faced.

“He buys a lot of books.”

They both laughed. “I bet he does,” James said.

You frowned, feeling as though you’d been walking down the stairs and missed the last one.

“James,” Lily scolded.

“I haven’t seen him for a while,” you rambled nervously.

“Don’t fear, he’s off helping Remus with a pest problem,” James said.

Lily and James were amazing at making small talk. They were the kind of people you felt like you could easily have been friends with in another life, both of them enamoring you with their charm and obvious love for each other. They moved like they were facing the same winds, like blades of grass next to each other. And baby Harry was an adorable plus.

Only because Harry was beginning to get annoyed with his constraints did they bid you goodbye. You’d retrieved your basket, telling them to come around the bookstore any time, and mentioning the storytelling hours on weekends. Lily promised to be there.

“And Y/N!” James called.

You turned back around.

“Sirius is allergic to shellfish!” he said over his shoulder. His wife punched him in the shoulder.

-

It took you a while to piece it together.

The more you thought about it, the more obvious it became. And even though you weren’t sure what a charming, stunning guy like Sirius wanted with a girl like you, you were 67 percent sure he fancied you.

You waited for the next time you saw him. He was loitering by your desk and trying his every best to look as though he’d been there by pure coincidence. You might’ve believed he was, if you didn’t know what you did.

“I was wondering if you could help me find a book,” you asked him. He turned to you, surprised. You continued. “On how to get a guy to ask you out.”

He gaped at you. Unusually, for somebody so well-composed.

“‘Cos I think I’m doing something wrong.”

“What gave you that impression?” he asked, voice scratchy.

“This boy keeps coming to the bookstore. A while ago, he asked me for a book on pregnancy for a friend who’d already had the baby. He bought a cookbook I recommended knowing he couldn’t eat a single thing in it, and the one time I wasn’t here he went home without buying anything. He even left me flowers.”

You took a deep breath, all the bravery rushing out of you. You looked down at his shoes.

“Despite all this, he hasn’t asked me out.”

“He sounds like an idiot.”

“He isn’t,” you denied. “He’s striking, intelligent and thoughtful. He’s not an idiot at all.”

“I think I have been.”

“Well, maybe a little,” you admonished.

He stepped into your space, shoes a millimeter from your own. You knew if you looked up that he would be incredibly close.

“Would you look at me?”

You held your breath, looking through your lashes at his face. His expression was hard to describe, lips in a straight line, eyes intense. He used his index finger to gently tilt your chin up towards him.

“I’m sorry to mess you around, but I’ve never been a big reader. If you think you can look past that, I’d like to take you out. Wherever you want to go.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, remembering yourself. “It’s a real deal breaker, but I think I’ll get over it,” you said quietly, feeling a shyness creep into your words that you didn’t recognise.

“Yeah?” he asked. He was closer now, his exhales tickling your face. You blinked slowly.

“Yes.”

He leaned forward. You closed your eyes, dazzled at the sensation of his nose against yours. He paused, a second, with his lips just above yours. The second was enough to make your stomach feel as though it had been inhabited by a family of butterflies.

He held your chin between his finger and thumb, finally letting his lips touch yours. He was firm, tender. You brought your hand up to his face, barely able to withhold the urge to run your fingers through his hair, relishing in the way he inhaled at your touch. You let him guide you, kissing you sweetly. A warmth bloomed in your chest.

He pulled away, moving his hand up to the side of your face. You leaned into his touch.

“Wherever I want?” you asked, seeing stars.

“Wherever you want. Heaven, if you’d like.”

<3

the book they talk about is heaven by meiko kawakamI, which didn’t come out all those years ago but i put it in anyways! it’s a brilliant book and i recommend it to everyone

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