#sorry this got kinda depressing and possibly a bit tmi

[muninnhuginn]

12, 22, 30!!! ❤️

Thanks for asking!

12. what’s some good advice you want to share?

Thought I'd go for something I've been trying to hold myself to personally here. I have no idea if this is particularly applicable to others to the same extent it is to me, but eh. Basically, it's incredibly easy sometimes to get fixated on your own mistakes, to try and mull over how you could have done things differently, to try and examine from all angles how it went wrong. The "what if"s essentially. And, don't get me wrong, you can often learn lessons from previous mistakes. And it can be healthy to vent or wallow occasionally. But oftentimes, it's just an excuse to wind yourself up further over what you could have done. To trip over yourself in guilt rather than looking at the present, which then just means you end up making the same mistakes -> why did I do that, I should know better -> rinse, repeat. So, if you're stuck on what-if scenarios and it's a case where you're not actually getting anything constructive out of it. (Namely, stuff like if you need to give an apology, if it's better to just leave it be, what you intend to do in a similar scenario if it arises, etc) If all it's achieving is making yourself feel worse? Stop. Just literally stop ruminating over it. And I know it's a lot easier to say that than *do* it, but the key thing is to catch yourself when you're doing the spiralling thing and just acknowledge that that's what's going on. Then try and move on. But at the same time, if you're not able to shut it off immediately, don't beat yourself up over it. Just recognising when you're in that zone is progress in of itself.

22. say 3 things about someone you love

This is more "loved" than "love" but I say it counts. So, my cat. - When it got cold in the winter and I was working from home, she would always come and sit on my lap and let me stroke her whilst I was doing stuff. Sometimes, she would get onto my lap by peeking up through the shelf intended for a printer and other times she would go straight over the desk. We had a system where when she wanted to leave, I'd spin the chair over to the bed and she'd walk from the desk over my lap to the bed to curl up and sleep. - One year, we got her a cat 'Christmas stocking'. It had a load of different things in it, but most importantly, it had these cat treats she really enjoyed. Unfortunately, we didn't realise she would be able to sus out what it was, so one day we got home and found the whole thing ripped open and scattered across the sides. After that, we made sure to hide any presents for her very carefully. - The only one of her toy type things we got her that she would actually use was the scratching post. If something had catnip in she'd get all big-eyed over it (which, no surprise, led to scratches), but anything else she'd just plain ignore. She was picky like that. I miss her.

30. what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

I don't actually have any cheat code for this one. No guarantees so much as mitigations, but let's see. Hm. I think getting away from home for a bit is a big one. Just to change the environment up really (this applies doubly in autumn/winter when the weather and short days mean I spend most of my time inside). I'll often go find a nearby place that does hot chocolate and go sit there for a bit, listening to music if it's on in there or bringing my headphones along. If I've thought ahead I'll bring something to read as well. If the weather is nice there are some local areas to explore as well and some places that are fairly quiet. In the summer, you can head to the nearby graveyard and there's this abandoned chapel type building (unfortunately you can't get into it but you can go around it :<) and loads of crows and squirrels. I also as a general kinda happy thing rather than a cheering up kinda deal tend to like watching stuff with friends.

[ninatastic]

@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D

3. Are you a virgin?

nah 

4. Are you in a relationship?

yeh!

5. Are you in love?

I’d say so!

6. Are you single this year?

no

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

it me bf

9. Describe your perfect mate

same as above c: 

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, only when it comes to animals c;

11. Do you ever want to get married?

thats a dream of mine tbh

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)

13. Do you get jealous easily?

in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

me bf

15. Do you have any piercings?

just have my ears pierced!

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but maybe soon

17. Do you like kissing in public?

only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses

20. Do you shower every day?

yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

bruh I sure hope my bf does;;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

nah

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

it is possible but who tf knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

as in losing touch with me? I guess so

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yup

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf  idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

oh often

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

hell yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

:( no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeh!!

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah and it ruined me for a while

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

uuuuhh not really I think

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hella

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

depends on how thirsty I am

43. How long was your longest relationship?

5 and a half years and counting

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

2-3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

uuhh I was 14, no one 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

HELLA

47. How old are you?

22 my dudes

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah my abuser probably

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

unfortunately yes and fortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.

uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands

56. State 8 facts about your body

I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things 

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

yikes

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

my current bf is 8 years older than me

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

everything that comes after kissing imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

something something being outside in the nature and also good food 

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks

70. What turns you on?

being manhandled

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow 

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open 

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I already answered that c:

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal 

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

this morning when I cuddled my cats :D

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my bf!!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first bf sdfjsdfs

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yeah, sure

[brookerecovers]

Hey! Just wanted to say that I love your blog and find it really encouraging. I also am kinda curious as to what it’s like to struggle with OSFED. If you don’t want to share, no pressure. :)

hi! you are so sweet! and i don’t mind! this blog is all about sharing my struggles lmao.

(tw for behavior mentions & a bit of weight talk)

osfed (in my experience) has been a frustratingly complicated relationship with food over the past 7 or 8 years. i’ve had disordered thoughts about food, my body, and my self worth in general for as long as i can remember, but the disordered habits came into play around 8 years ago…. for a long time, they were only happening occasionally, or for a few months at a time. i would then slip back into periods of eating ‘normally’. but for the past 2 years, it’s been getting worse. i had a period of time in high school where it was really bad as well, but then when i moved to college, things got better for a bit. then, slowly, it all started up again… basically throughout most of college, i would restrict for periods of time, then binge for periods of time. my weight yo-yoed so much, but I ended up gaining a fair amount of weight. my senior year of college, at my highest weight, i began restricting much more intensely, and lost a lot of weight in a relatively short amount of time. but, because i was slightly overweight, i was praised for it… 

now i’m at a place where i’m at a healthy weight, but my eating disorder is the worst it’s ever been. i would say the hardest part of osfed is that (again, in my experience) it’s constantly changing… most days, i struggle with restriction. most days, i’m worrying about how little i can eat, what i should eat, etc. but then, some days, my brain is like FUCK IT!! eat everything. some days, my brain is like, hey let’s binge and purge as many times as possible. idk, some days, i almost wanna eat ‘normally’. i just cycle through these behaviors over and over. i lose ten pounds, gain them right back. 

physically, things aren’t too great. i’m constipated as hell; i’m really concerned that i’ve developed IBS, actually, as i literally poop maybe once a week (tmi? sorry lmao). i have no energy, i’m cold all the time, and i almost always have a headache. i’ve developed acne on my chest and back and all around my mouth (prob from purging). i don’t really sleep well.

and mentally/ emotionally, i’m a freaking wreck. i literally have to take it day by day, otherwise i’ll lose it. i’m pretty much numb. the only ‘emotion’ i experience, really, is anxiety. i’m afraid of taking my SSRI because i’m terrified to gain weight from it, so my anxiety disorder, OCD, and depression have taken a really strong hold again. i hate myself, don’t believe in myself, feel inadequate and incapable. this disorder has destroyed my sense of self and my personality. i feel trapped in my own brain. 

osfed is basically my own personal, self-constructed hell. the kicker is, most times i’m in intense denial about how bad i actually am, so i’m still incredibly hesitant/ afraid to get the level of help that i need…. i’m in therapy, but i know i probably need a higher level of care to actually get better. i don’t feel ‘sick enough’; don’t feel deserving of help because i’m not underweight.

sorry if that was a bit of an overshare… but i feel like so much emphasis is placed on anorexia and bulimia that a lot of people struggling with other eating disorders are left behind. i think spreading awareness is so important… and tbh, venting like this really helps me on a personal level. this blog has provided an outlet i’ve never had, and presented me with a valuable support system. everyone i’ve interacted with in this recovery community has been so supportive and encouraging, even though we don’t even know each other… 

after a long time of suffering, i find myself slowly deciding that it’s time to change. at the end of the day, it’s up to me to choose recovery. it’s up to me to say enough is enough and to decide that i actually don’t deserve to be this miserable all the time… and it’s a slow process, but i do find myself changing. i have days where i ask myself, “why am i doing this to myself?”; i have moments where i can see a happy future for myself. even a year ago, i never thought that way. positivity and self-belief is REALLY hard for me, but i’m building it up. it’s a big change to make, when you’ve spent your whole life with low self esteem and negative self talk. these disordered thoughts have been there my whole life, so it feels weird to challenge them. a lot of what i’ve been learning in therapy the past few years is simply to recognize them to be a disordered thought, because the negative thought just feels normal to me.

okay, now i’m just babbling, haha

thanks so much for the question, lovely xx

[smallblanketfort]

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? How did you deal with it? Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis? Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it? How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis? ps: sorry for so many questions

it’s okay. i feel like a smart person would say, come off anon and let’s chat, but u know what, i’ll totally embarrass myself for the common good. oh man.

short answers. click keep reading for the in depth, tmi answers.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes. kind of.

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lol

babe i hope this helps a bit and idk. im being honest here, so idk how much comfort is here, but if you find any, good. be safe. lmk if you have other questions! happy to answer.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes.long answer: i had a slight mental breakdown in uhhhh fall 2015-january 2016, and i work at the library which slows down in the winter. i was going a little nuts with nothing to do one day in late december/early january, so i planted myself in the mental health section and read all the requirements in dsm-iv book for mental disorders. i think i was half curious and half knew something was wrong. i had dealt with depression and anxiety in the past, but i felt mentally dizzy all the time, if that makes sense. just generally unstable and lost and worried. Not Okay. self harming and finding comfort in it. i was totally bleary going through my daily life and i felt extremely unstable in my relationships. i also was trying to work through this whole hallucination/voice in my head thing that sparked it in september(?). so i remember taking these books to the break room and taking these convoluted notes on tiny scraps of paper, trying to make sense of what was happening. i found the notes a couple weeks ago, and it was really weird, but i was so careful about it. i really didn’t want to feel like i had anything, but i was getting desperate. i would copy out the requirements and tally up what i had. i remember contemplating a couple things i knew i could diagnoses with by a doctor who didn’t care, like avoidant pd, but i realized it was definitely not the one, at all. when i read bpd, it took my breath away. i was shocked, bc it was like reading a book about myself. i remember getting goosebumps, and shaking. i spent months researching and researching it, trying to convince myself i didn’t fit the criteria. at the time i was in several psych classes, and one of my professors had us write a 15+ page paper about our own life and psych development. it was hella weird, but i ended up pouring myself into it and my psych prof, who runs his own practice was like “Lol yeah omg” and we chatted a bit and sure enough, i am most likely a bpd bug. i’m not “formally” diagnosed but i have talked to several psychologists at my universities about it and they’re all like “lmao yeeeah” so

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.long answer: idk!? like on one hand i was relieved like “okay so this is a thing with a name, now i can start attacking it. i was really good at mood tracking for about 6 months. no more lol. anyway, i still go through acceptance/denial cycles constantly. just today, i decided to watch youtube videos about it to prove to myself that i didn’t have bpd. my reaction? o shit i guess i have bpd. every couple weeks ill come across an article or video or something about it and they’ll talk about other quirks of bpd and it’s so accurate it’s scary. but kinda cool (like perceptions of time and such that dont really hurt anything, but i thought everyone had. whoops. just my bpd showing again lol) it’s like when i climbed over a wooden fence in colorado and realized i had a sliver in my leg and then when i got it out, i realized i had another sliver in my leg and then when i got it out i realized i had another sliver in m-and so on. it never stops really. maybe it’d help if i told more ppl. idk. 

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.long answer: i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it definitely brought gravity to it. sometimes it made me hopeless (can you even recover from a personality disorder?), but sometimes it brought me hope bc i wasn’t alone and there are coping methods made esp for me. it helped me understand myself and why i did what i did. it helped me be more proactive, and im getting better at it. it helped me accept some of my quirks, and helped me communicate. it’s a constant learning process like battle.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.long answer: lmao so like i haven’t told my parents yet, didnt have to since i was over 18. lately my mom is becoming more aware tho i think, and she’s being really supportive. my friends (irl and online, they all know) are really supportive and patient and encouraging and kind. they’re so great. the two ppl i dated since were lovely. about a month after diagnosis, however, i told my boyfriend of the time whose only response was “why didn’t you tell me this before i got emotionally attached to you?” :-) THAT fucked me up, but i still think it’s fair. lately im super worried about it though. 

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lollong answer: so i had never heard of it before 2016 sooo i actually don’t really know about the stigmas even now? i try really hard not to hear about any of it, bc if i do, im going to shrivel and not have the confidence to be open about it, which really helps me and my relationships. being open about it is what destroys the stigma. at the same time, im totally terrified of telling my family for some reason. my mom used to say anxiety was a hat i put on, bc she was a nurse in the mental ward, so her view of mental illness is basically of non to low functioning people. she;s a lot more supportive and validating of it now but idk i cant.OKAY ALSO negativity with recovery high key sucks. for a solid year i was convinced that there’s no recovery and i’ll probably kill myself before im 27, im so screwed blah blah blah, but then i FINALLY starting finding resources that consistently said 50% of adults find themselves recovered after ten years. im also really working hard on self care and coping rn. making good choices for myself to hopefully stay as healthy and happy as possible.

lmk if you have other questions!

xo

[littledragonlily]

TMI: Oversharing

((Trigger warning: mentions of self harm, r@pe, abuse, drugs, alcohol, suicide, body dysmorphia, mental illness, ...um, a lot, actually, so please please think about this before reading ahead. My life's a mess tbh. Will put an * (or many, if bad bad) by the numbers of anything with potentially bad triggers just in case..)) Credit to one of my mutuals, after reading their oversharing post, I felt like writing my own might actually be cathartic for me, so thank you mutual (no name callout because they may not be comfortable with that). 1. I actually have zero idea about who I am when I'm on my own. I've felt this way for years and only recently has it been recognized/taken seriously. 2. My father and three siblings are all on the autism spectrum in varying degrees. The question hangs if I am too, I show similar signs, but I don't care enough to find out. 3. I cycle through obsessive behaviors. Collecting things, couponing, certain games; luckily it has never landed on an unhealthy addiction so far, but it scares me that it might. 4*. I have been self destructive for 7+ years. (For clarification, I'm 21 going on 22 currently.) My arm is white lines and long story short, I cannot wear shorts above my knees anytime soon, or anything less than a one-piece bathing suit to cover my torso. 5*. My arms are healed because I was relentlessly picked on by an abusive ex and my own father when I wore it on my sleeves, so to speak.. I hide it now. My dad still doesn't know I started doing it again and I plan on keeping it that way. 6****. Callout to my ex I mentioned above. Because of him, I get ptsd episodes if I'm under the water even a second too long, forbid I'm being held down even playfully. He took whatever he wanted, including my current peace of mind in relationships. I've been trying to escape the damage he caused for 5 years. 7****. Callout to friends/another ex I trusted that would not take no for an answer, especially the one that took me as I cried for him to stop. 8*. By all normative standards, I'm wickedly smart. I had the military branches beating down my door from my perfect aptitude test scores (no studying, mind you, I wing tests), and if not for mental issues stealing my motivation to try, I could've been in my top ten graduating from high school easily. However..no one wants to take a damaged "genius" so..yeah. 9. I have so so so many ideas of what I want to do with my life, but I'm viciously afraid of stepping foot outside of my not-so-comfy-but-good-enough bubble. 10*. I am professionally diagnosed with major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, and dependent personality disorder. That list may grow when I actually trust the psychiatrist enough to tell them Everything™. 11. If I don't push myself to hang out with my friends/favorite people, and it has to be because THEY want ME, I will quite literally spend all day in my bed during my time off. Even finding the motivation to clean my room and pay my bills (spoiler, I usually don't) is just..improbable. 12*. I have two, count them one-two, people that are even close to knowing Everything™ about me. (Unfortunate spoiler: they've both done things that they sometimes use against each other to make me question my faith in them.) I love them both, which causes me immense guilt because they both want to keep me Forever™ (also know to me as until they get tired of my..Me-ness.) and right now I'm just wondering how long of Forever™ I'll actually be alive for. 13. Speaking of immense guilt, hi, it's because I've hurt mentioned people both more than they admit to. I didn't mean to I'm sorry I really didn't just I just how do you not depend on someone that you were engaged to but also how do you not depend on someone that actually gets you and is your carer and you actually get along with everyone in their system and ahhhh fjdjfhdjrbd I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.. 14. Sorry, sorry.. I'm back. Kinda? Anyway.. I feel like a split person, kinda. I have different aspects of myself that handle different things and I have names for them, but I would NOT call myself a system at this point, I would just say I am compartmentalizing and personifying certain aspects of my personality. It just feels easier, yeah? I try to stick to the ones people love best (Mama(carer)-me, Lily(regressed)-me, and Belle(work)-me). My carer is the only person "acquainted" with all of Me™ by name. 15. I only always get along with one person in my house, which is my little sister, Hannah. She has a degenerative disorder and has her own special way of communicating. But as far as I can tell, I'm one of her favorite people, and that makes me super happy actually. 16. So I got derailed on number 13 because that's such a touchy subject. Mostly because I'm forced to choose between the two of them because of societal norms/their feelings/some other reasons here, and in my head and heart I'm so dependent on them both it hurts. (Lately, however, I've been more dependent on my carer.) 17****. Possible reasons I shouldn't be dependent on ex-fiancé person: Has hit me in a "black-out rage" previously (isolated, non-recurring, however I have my days of questioning would I trigger that again..), can be incredibly argumentative if my word choice is incorrect expressing my issues (bad to the point it has triggered me to self-harm), and has forced my indecisive self into making a decision in the midst of a six-hour crying/panicked episode. Also can be neglectful as a person to depend on at times, a little more self-centered than he realizes most of the time, etc. 18****. Possible reasons I shouldn't be dependent on my carer person: Lack of respect towards a previous relationship with ex-fiancé ((as in..well.. some unloyal behavior happened while I was drunk/high/sometimes sober and it actually makes me sick that I let that happen.. I disrespected my own relationship oh god I'm horrible I never wanted to be that person I didn't mean to I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..)(okay, okay, calmed down..)), one of his alters is notoriously angry/violent however has recently been more gentle with me after some talks about the fact that anger/arguments/violence/yelling trigger my anxiety badly (I'm a sensitive marshmallow puff y'all, sorry..), I WILL NOT HOLD HIS PAST AGAINST HIM but it sometimes gets in my head a little so I try to talk it out when it does, he does have a bit of dependence on Mary Jane (think green, not a lady) but I don't mind this so much because it's better than alcohol (I helped with that! I helped! Yay!), and there are some times when he doesn't word things well and it'll get to me but I don't see this being intentional honestly. 19*. My past trauma makes me hypersexual, and sometimes I'm incredibly disgusted with myself for being that way. Thankfully though, my regressed self is "too small" for those things and my carer does not fetishize my regressed self, so thankful for that. It is that that caused my initial confusion because I didn't understand that some communities were fetish.. ugh.. 20****. In the past year I have cycled through drinking, smoking, and pills as a short-term "dependence" (I put that in quotes because I feel as if it had been serious I would not have been able to step away so easily). Each one I have quit (drinking is social, and never anywhere near as heavy as it used to be). I occasionally smoke Mary Jane now as it is more effective than my Prozac I'm currently prescribed (will get changed soon, I hope). 21. Physically I have some liver/kidney damage (my fault), scalp psoriasis, chronic acid reflux, chronic pain (fibromyalgia), anemia, cold and hot sensitivity, spleen damage (I'm Epstein-Barr sensitive, aka unfortunately susceptible to mono), and something I don't have a name for that makes me get incredibly weak if I don't have a steady intake of sugar during the day.. (any ideas?) 22. I have a SEVERE phobia of vomit. I can handle the word, stories are iffy, but seeing/smelling/hearing it will trigger a panic attack and when i do it (which is thankfully only once every few years so far) it is incredibly painful and I will NOT eat for days. I will be absolutely food repulsed. I doubt anyone would post anything visual, but if you do and you're reading this, PLEASE I'm begging you, post a warning for me. I'll be eternally thankful. 23. Something lighthearted for once: I will not see a superhero/comic book/Nerdy™ movie that I can't go see without my dad. It's just super important to me. 24****. I hate my appearance while simultaneously being incredibly vain about it (do I make sense? No? Ok). I have dysmorphia, because I swear by a few things (I'm always too big, my skin is always bad, etc etc.) If it were not for my conditions (phobia of vomit, not being able to function without sugar), I'd most likely have an eating disorder. Instead I am in a state of limbo where I hate my body but I won't do anything negative to impact my body image. (Yay?) 25. You now know more about me than most people I know in real life, including my parents and family. Sorry it's so much, thanks for sticking around.