#spent time on my interests too and kept myself distracted

[safetea]

happy things of the day: the judgies podcast, candy, did a bunch of self care which i only realized afterwards

[papayatori]

Fall away (p5)

Inumaki Toge x fém!reader

Had I lived a life of weakness, or was I simply realizing just how strong everyone else around me had become? I stood in the middle of the training yard, fending off attacks from Yuta. He had decided to be my sparring partner today.

He had introduced himself to me earlier, almost shaking from his own nervousness. He was Inumaki’s best friend, I knew I would have to talk with him eventually, but today seemed off to me.

I knew that he was on a mission with the others, but I had no idea that when he’d gotten back that he would have a sudden interest in me. Though, I had learned recently from Gojo, that we had similar abilities. While Yuta failed to use a technique like the rest of us did with the exceptions of Maki, he still possessed a cursed spirit within himself known as Rika. Maki had warned me of her, as she had had a flaming jealousy of Maki from their first meeting. The only explanation of this was that Maki was another female that knew Yuta; though the flame in her eyes and the blush creeping onto her cheeks explained something entirely different. I kept that to myself in case Maki ever tormented me about Toge again.

“You’re fast, but your punches are pulled.” Yuta stated confidently with a small chuckle. I grimaced, noticing the gazes of our peers on the sidelines.

“Im not pulling punches, Yuta! You have a katana.” He shrugged, throwing it to me.

“Now you have a katana. Let’s see if we can fight evenly now.” I glared at him, readying myself for the next battle.

I completely willed my cursed energy to my core as Toge had instructed. I felt it flow through my body, pulse in my veins. I figured the only way to wield a weapon with zero cursed energy would be to use my own, I allowed it to flow into the wooden katana all at once, pushing as hard as I could to focus the energy. I saw Yuji give me a thumbs up from the sidelines.

Yuta now had Maki’s staff in his hands. She was standing awkwardly beside Panda with no explanation. I knew she must have given it to him.

He threw the first attack, nearly sweeping my legs out from under me. I had been distracted and he had used this to his advantage. I stood completely, dodging his next move with ease. Our weapons were crossed, and I pushed him further back, causing him to falter and stumble slightly.

“Fast and strong, I see.” I didn’t bother responding, only pushing further into battle.

I swiped at him with the katana. He narrowly blocked before twirling the staff. I blocked with my forearm, allowing the sting to flow through me and create more cursed energy. I focused it all into the katana, swinging at the arm that held the staff. My eyes widened.

The wooden katana had shattered as he easily blocked the blow and knocked me from my feet. He poked my forehead with the staff before offering me a hand that I reluctantly took to stand up once again.

“When focusing cursed energy into a weapon as you have just done, it can be vital to succeed; however, when done too hastily and forcefully, it will cause damage to you rather than your opponent.” He spoke clearly as if he had had experience. I nodded, taking note.

“So, by pushing cursed energy gradually, it will be more effective.” He smiled.

“Correct.”

We had met the others on the sidelines, allowing for criticism on both ends of our fight. Toge took my hand, sizing me up for any injuries that might need tending to. He smiled down at me before tugging his scarf back up to hide his markings once more.

“Salmon.” He stated, congratulating my progress as he always did. It was my turn to smile at him this time.

“I still have much to learn, Toge.” He nodded in agreement.

So much to learn and so little time to do so. Gojo had informed me early this morning after a night of celebration that the group had returned safely that I was to go on my first mission today. I had finally spent the night in my room again, too scared to sleep but too scared to call for Toge. Yuji had checked on me a few times, which I was grateful for, but it didn’t help the sleepless night that I endured. Now I was to go on a mission?

“You will be accompanied by Fushiguro, mostly to spectate you in case the time is of need, but accompanying you nonetheless.” I nodded blankly, his words barely registering.

Now, we were being sent to an abandoned school on the outskirts of Tokyo. I had never even heard the name before, surprisingly. I suppose it had been cursed for some time now.

Ijichi drove us to the spot, lowing the veil and wishing us luck. He didn’t speak much I had come to realize, but a colleague regardless. Besides, that made things easier on me.

“The spirit is possibly a low grade 3, I doubt it will give you any trouble considering your skills, y/l/n”. He had said to me beforehand. Megumi had listened in, taking in the debrief with open ears. He didn’t speak much either.

We slowly walked into the horrifying building. Graffiti covered the gates and the outside walls.

“Kids must hang around this place a lot.” Megumi noted. “Be on the lookout for innocents.” I nodded, keeping my weary eyes as peeled as possible.

Our footsteps echoed in the hallways, they seemed to stretch for miles. I had decided to sweep the second floor myself, keeping Megumi to the first floor. I figured we’d get more done that way.

“If you see anything, don’t immediately attack unless you know for utmost certainty that you can handle it by yourself.” He kept his voice low, but it was still lethal.

“I’ll be ready.” He nodded, continuing down the hallway as I ascended up the rickety stairway.

Every little noise I heard made me jump. Fear brimmed my senses, sending my pulse into fight or flight. A rat scurried across the floor with a squeak, causing me to almost lose balance.

Pull yourself together, y/n. It’s just a mouse.

I heard a growl from somewhere in front of me. It sounded hungry, needy. Almost immediately, I felt the presence of whatever cursed spirit lied beneath the folds of darkness that blanketed the hall. I heard slow footsteps followed by a small chuckle. A cold chill traced my spine.

Disobeying every intelligent cell in my body, I walked further into the darkness. The hum of cursed energy released itself upon me. I focused it, sending it throughout my body. I unsheathed my katana, remembering my training with Yuta yesterday. My muscles still ached even after.

Though I could see nothing, I could feel the direction the spirit was. Its cursed energy seemed to be the strongest inside one of the classrooms. Reluctantly, I opened the door, whirling around for any immediate dangers.

I can see nothing here.

I heard another soft chuckle followed by a bellowing groan. The sound of saliva hitting the floor woke me from my internal slumber. I felt my organs rearranging themselves as my eyes darted to the corner of the room to be met with an ugly, humanoid being like the one that had entered my room all those nights ago. My fear overtook my emotions. My heart plummeted quickly, feeling every muscle in my body tense as the thing lunged for me.

I instantly threw myself into battle, swiping my katana and trying my best to focus my energy at the same time while my fear seemed to control my movements. I couldn’t let my instincts take over, as if something was holding me back.

“Don’t be afraid, little one. I don’t bite.” It cooed before lunging itself at me once more. I swung the katana with force, starting to regain control of my muscles again. I smiled lightly at the beast.

“I don’t know this fear in which you speak of, I’d like to meet them someday.” I said with a chuckle, slicing into the arm of the beast. It screamed loudly, probably alerting any bystanders of its presence.

It slashed its claws angrily, trying its best to regain the upper hand. My smile had grown ferocious, my cursed energy pounding within my veins. I focused it gradually in the katana as Yuta had told me to. I was starting to enjoy this.

My instincts had started to kick in. I dodged every attack with minimal effort. It hissed and screamed and wailed as I continued to wear it down. A slash to the arm, a cut limb, an elbow to the face. My cursed energy poured through my body, hounding the spirit with no trouble at all.

“You don’t know fear, yet you tremble where you stand.” It mocked me. “It’s so strong I can almost taste it.” I smirked, twirling my katana from my back and readying myself once more for an unpredicted lunge. I stared into its black eyes, feeling the void within. I felt the anger, the urge to kill on instinct. It welled within the spirit, overriding every other emotion. Ichiji had awoken it from its slumber with the veil, the only thing it wished to do was reside happily inside the haunting school. I spat at its feet.

“Is that why you’re bleeding and there isn’t even a scratch on me?” I laughed at it, mocking its very existence. “I’ll allow you to go back to sleep if you’d like. Though, this privilege will be much more permanent.” It attempted to attack, but I easily countered. I had started to lose myself in the bloodthirsty rage that was cursed sorcery. I laughed as I cut through its chest, into the place where its heart should have been. I pulled my sword free, watching it fall to the ground with a thump.

It was still alive, but only at my mercy. I heard its jagged cries, I felt every welled emotion releasing itself into my mind relentlessly. I saw my own death once again flashing behind my lids every time I blinked. It’s hot blood dripped from my blade.

“How does it feel to sleep?” I asked it, beckoning it to answer to me. It growled, looking up at me with a malicious grin.

“I’ll never be able to answer you that. I’ll only be reborn once more. This time, I’ll be stronger, and your life will mean nothing-“

I had placed my hand on its head, gripping it hard enough to bruise. It winced, baring its jagged teeth. I laughed again.

I felt the energy within it decreasing as well as its malicious emotions. They seeped into my skin as the beast had started dissipating. I heard rushed footsteps from down the hall.

“Y/n!” Megumi called in terror. His eyes grew large at the sight unfolding before him.

I gripped harder, feeling its life drain into the palm of my hand in the shape of a bronze orb that was colored like the spirits skin. It whirled and buzzed within my grasp. Megumi tried to run to me, but his muscles wouldn’t move.

It felt as though I weren’t myself, as if I was spectating and watching whoever was controlling my body. Without a second thought, I shoved the orb into my mouth, swallowing it whole.

“Y/n?” Megumi had frozen in shock. He had no idea what he had witnessed, and truth be told, neither did I. Before I could answer, I dropped to my knees. I was shaking violently. The aftertaste in my mouth tasted like death itself, the taste alone making me gag and wail. I felt a tear fall from my eye.

“Are you okay?” Megumi asked, rushing towards me. “What the hell did you expect it to taste like!?” I ignored his comment, not able to speak anyway. My cursed energy had felt stronger, lighter. My senses felt almost heightened as I stared up at Megumi, who was also trying to make sense of whatever the hell was happening.

“Did I really swallow that thing?” I asked, finally regaining my ability to move without throwing up. He gasped.

“Did you not intend to?!” He shouted, frustrated. I felt sorry for him.

“Not exactly.” I stated, standing and dusting myself off. Blood that wasn’t my own coated my new uniform.

We walked out together. I noticed Megumi looked roughed up a little, I suppose he had encountered a spirit of his own. Ijichi didn’t say a word as the veil was lifted and we drove back to the school.

Inumaki was pacing his room, not wanting to train with the others today. He had blocked all possibilities of something happening to you out of his mind just to keep himself sane. He hadn’t known you for long, and he didn’t exactly know how he already worried so strongly for you; but he did know you were a lot like Yuta. He knew your past wasn’t the best, he knew some of the things you struggled with, and he also knew that you had just learned many things about your family and your history that probably didn’t sit well with you. Not to mention, you hadn’t stayed with him the night before, and he hadn’t been able to see you before you left.

He heard a knock from the outside of his room, and without thinking he immediately opened the door. Gojo was standing there.

“Fushiguro and Y/l/n have returned, I figured you’d want to know. The others are making their way down as we speak-“ without uttering a word or letting Gojo finish, he pushed past him and started sprinting towards the main entrance. He had to make sure you were okay.

Gojo chuckled, watching the lovestruck boy run after the girl he didn’t even realize he loved.

I stood at the gate, Megumi beside me as Ijichi drove the car around to park. God knows how long it’s really been since we left, and I felt the weight of my lids drooping with every movement. I glanced around at the school that was shaded in orange from the setting sun. Had it been all day? I figured it would’ve taken longer than that.

Without warning, I was tackled in a bone crushing hug. I looked over, surprised to see the platinum blonde boy squeezing me to death. He pulled away quickly, eyes growing wild at the blood staining my uniform. He grabbed my hand and instantly started running back inside. I had no choice but to follow behind him, my entire body aching with each movement. He didn’t slow his pace until we reached what I knew to be rather familiar: the infirmary.

“Tuna, tuna!” He said, his lungs struggling for air. I looked at him, feeling his every crazed emotion. Had he forgotten to put up a mental shield?

Shoko looked me up and down, inspecting my entire body. I felt like I was being judged, I didn’t like this. I flushed.

“I don’t see anything wrong with her, Inumaki. Is everything alright?” He bowed to her slightly in thanks.

“Bonito flakes.” He said simply. I gave Shoko an apologetic smile.

“I’m not really sure, either honestly.” I said, still shaken from the soul I had absorbed. She noticed me stifle a gag at the thought, though she didn’t mention it.

Gojo walked in behind us with Megumi, who seemed to be slightly injured himself.

“You forgot the injured one, Inumaki.” He stated with a small smirk. I rolled my eyes, knowing what he was thinking. He turned his attention to me. “I believe we have some things to discuss?” I nodded, expecting fully for Megumi to mention something about what he had witnessed. He sent me an apologetic look to which I smiled back.

Gojo led me out of the room, leaving Inumaki pacing the hallway as I stood in Gojo’s ‘office’ once more.

“Did you really swallow it?” He asked me, no humor sweeping his tone whatsoever. He was dead serious. I felt the tension in the room rise significantly.

“Yes.” I stated simply. “I’m not even fully aware of why I did something like that. I didn’t feel completely in control. I was sort of living off instincts purely.” He nodded.

“Fushiguro mentioned that, too. Though, you don’t even have a scratch on you, and I’m certain that was at least a semi grade one cursed spirit. You spoke to it?” I shrugged.

“We had a conversation, yes.” He hummed.

“The fact that it not only could understand your Japanese, it could also form sentences that you could understand as well, is utterly terrifying to me.” He stated before continuing. “Though, something else is also concerning me quite a bit.” He started.

I tilted my head slightly, not exactly sure what he was leading into.

“Why did Inumaki tackle you?” His grin grew wider and wider as a blush grew on his cheeks. I scowled, pointing at him.

“Now isn’t the time for that, Gojo!” I yelled, walking for the door. He continued to giggle.

“Keep living in denial, y/l/n!” And I continued out of the room without another word. Toge was waiting outside with a small blush tinting his cheeks. He must have heard Gojo’s teasing.

Despite the excitement of today, I was absolutely exhausted. Toge grabbed my hand, sensing my exhaustion, and led me to my room. I didn’t even bother changing, I just flopped onto the bed while Inumaki sat at my feet. He kept eyeing me, as if still worried something was wrong with me. I sent him a questioning glance, he pulled out his phone and started typing once again.

“Are you feeling okay?” The robotic voice of his phone said. I nodded slowly with a small smile, motioning for him to unzip his collar. He did so hesitantly, giving me a shy smile.

I sat up straight, wrapping my arms around him. He flushed slightly and his muscles tensed before easing into my embrace.

“I’m fine, Toge. I promise. I’m just exhausted. I didn’t really sleep last night.” He coughed lightly before typing again.

“Why didn’t you come get me?” His phone spoke again. I chuckled.

“I didn’t want to be a bother to you anymore than I was.” He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. His touch was gentle, caring.

“Never.” He muttered. His voice never ceased to make my heart melt, no matter how much he spoke.

He kissed me softly before pulling away just as quickly. Neither of us were aware of what we were now, but we both knew we liked this. My face was a mess, I wanted more but I was exhausted.

I buried my face in his shoulder, feeling his heart beat faster. His warmth comforted me, his touch slowed my anxiety.

I fell asleep thinking about Toge once again, erasing the gruesome sight I had been forced to play in only hours before.

Sorry this one’s so short! A lot has been going on recently 🥲

Tag list: @grilledbananas @sillygoose3082

[pianistbynight]

waning summer days

i cheated and recorded in sections, then spliced them together because i can't get a single clean take. if it's not me making a mistake, it's noise surrounding me. this way, the pressure was lessened and i think i did better (far from "perfect" tho) and it was less frustrating.

thursday | 08/15/24

no piano today. i'm tired. but i did read more of sweet bean paste and continued to work on the databases course. today was a bit chaotic, so i couldn't get 2h of studying in, but if i sleep early, i can maybe hopefully wake up earlier to work on it.

friday | 08/16/24

tried to play piano but then stopped because i got tired sooner than i expected. (also tried out a voice recorder app to record the piano audio instead of my phone camera but didn't like it...too much treble.) i finished 1 subsection of the databases course. caught up with @zzzzzestforlife. listened to some lofi and watched some youtube.

i'm trying to get myself in the mood to prep for the upcoming school year 😮‍💨 i...find myself dreading more and more each coming school year for some reason. ... it's not the work i fear. i know i can do it well but it takes so much of me. and i wonder what i'm doing this for. because i don't have all the stepping stones laid out yet. 😮‍💨 i need to work on that, so i'm going to sleep now so i can have more energy to continue doing this tomorrow. good night.

saturday | 08/17/24

i had a much more ambitious plan originally, but the only solo activity i actually had time and energy for was journaling because coming back to my hometown reminded me of and clarified some memories and opinions i had formed long ago, how they've shaped who i am now... the rest of the time i spent with family with real conversation for the first time in a while, so that was nice.

sunday | 08/18/24

sigh. i have never felt like i belonged in my former hometown and the loneliness is striking much stronger now. i was so tired i couldn't do much today except start filling in the YearCompass because who said the new year had to begin in january lol. i'm glad today was a chill day spent at my temporary home.

i will try to sleep early tonight. hopefully i won't wake up in between and be unable to fall back asleep again.

monday | 08/19/24

today was my first day of passable sleep quality in the last couple days. i woke up later than i expected. yet i still didn't feel like doing anything. i forced myself to do some duolingo for cheap dopamine, and later in the afternoon, i attempted to get through 1 more subsection of the databases course but couldn't focus. instead, i researched how to apply to take courses at another university in my area since there are some interesting courses there that aren't available at the one i attend. at night, i practiced the last bit of the clementi sonata and tried to record the whole thing but couldn't get a good one. i'm too tensed and distracted. i need to practice playing while relaxed, focusing only on what's relevant in the moment.

review U1 japanese, start hiragana practice ✅

work on databases course 🟨

practice piano ✅

tuesday | 08/20/24

fill in the YearCompass bc i'm too tired to journal unprompted and i want to be filled with hope for this school year instead of constantly drained and increasingly discouraged, disappointed, and depressed (why do so many negative things start with "d"? even the saddest songs are in d minor...)

practice playing clementi sonata while relaxed throughout and focused only on what's currently relevant

DATABASES COURSEEE - finish 4/13 subsections ✅ (ended up finishing 2 and starting a 3rd...this is harder than i thought it'd be but it'll be good for me to keep going...)

wednesday | 08/21/24

i don't even remember what happened. probably because i wasn't very productive. i was unusually angry and moody. i tried to record a single clean take and kept failing. i merely inched forward in the databases course. it was a day full of frustrating but necessary interruptions. it was tiring. i can't wait to go home.

thursday | 08/22/24

recorded the clementi sonata in sections...with more time and energy, i probably could've done better. almost 50% through the databases course. feeling a little better today than yesterday but always easily tired. this might be my last summer-themed post for the year as i'm already in an "autumnal mood." 🍂😅 i'll see you later either here or on my sideblog @studentbyday 🙂

[screams-in-writing]

Hehehehehehehe :)

This got longer than expected, but hey, more to read, right? A little background explanation, then there’ll be that preview of what I’ll eventually get to in the fic with mc/reader and Mr. Puzzles.

Keep in mind the fics tags/warnings of the fic since this isn’t on ao3 yet (I’ll tag some things for the post)

Also- note that what’s written here may be subject to some change once the chapters prior to it are posted (and that more edits may be done).

Context-this would be once reader and Mr puzzles are on better terms and have actually spent time together-like some of the other snippets I did where mr puzzles shows himself to be very in others space and touch starved. Like, there is interest in MC/reader yet not acted on, both trying to figure where the other stands on an unspoken friendship of around a month and a half (or two) whether it’s mixed with more since it seems a bit too fast for what little Mr. Puzzles has offered up of where he came from.

But teasing? Teasing and verbal sparring seems to be safe until it leads to a hug in the following future chapter. which would be fine for friends, but the whole hugging your friend while they’re shirtless while also checking them out a bit too closely and experiencing emotions is maybe a little past being just friends? Reverse strip tease I think? Hmu if this needs more tags. I think this is toeing the T rating even if I cut some things out.

Ok enough of me yammering. Short Mr puzzles pov, and then the mc/reader’s.

-

I didn’t anticipate for you to visit me at the edge of town in my pitiful, sparse home I’d claimed the first day I’d arrived. 

It was a welcome distraction, however. Though, spending time with you was becoming less a distraction and more surprisingly welcome company. The only problem was that it was not good timing on your part until I belatedly recall that you’d agreed to meet me here today. 

I’d even given you get a set of keys to the place after you convinced me to set locks into the small, dilapidated house if I really wanted to stay there. I highly doubted this would have been able to be done in a large city, without paying for the place. For some reason, there appeared to be pity for me here on town, and that allowed me to somehow stay here in this building for as long as I needed to. 

There is a knock on the door to the chosen ‘bedroom’ but instead of reacting, I found myself frozen in place as I realized my current predicament. I had just been doing some routine maintenance with the tools this world was able to provide for me, until I heard otherwise from SMG4. 

But this meant that I was not currently dressed for company. I was also so very exposed and it was nerve wracking to think of anyone seeing the upper half of my body without clothing covering it. All that was there was a black towel that I’d loosely wrapped around my neck to help me not stare at the mess my neck had become. What with all the wires underneath skin supporting my spine, and the way bits of wire and metal poked in and out of my skin without the protective layer of fabric I kept around the wires. 

I completely missed the sound of a key on a lock, signaling that you’d opened the front door and locked it. With rising trepidation, I realized I’d foolishly left my door half-open right before you knocked on it. Swiftly, I crossed my arms over my chest and abdomen Thank goodness I’d finished the internal inspection a half hour prior to this moment, while I attempted to work up the nerve to do see to my his back. But that would require me to take my head off, place it behind myself on a table and contort my arms to perform the inspection, though it would be difficult without the tools I needed Smg4 to agree to get to me.

“Puzzles?” It is you. “Are you in there?”

“Yes.” I stuttered. Goodness, I was not well-prepared to be around anyone. “Do give me one moment to get myself presentable-“ My screen flashed to worry upon hearing a soft intake of breath. My shoulders hunched up as I pressed my arms tightly over my front. “I am hideous at present, my dear.” I couldn’t hide the tremble in my voice, refraining from smacking the side of my head to reset it forcibly. “Just…just let me find where I put my dress shirt. I’ll cover up and-“

“You’re not hideous, Puzzles.” You tell me patiently, entering the room with slow footsteps. 

I don’t quite believe it, but I feel there is sincerity in your voice. It made me relax somewhat. I even perked up when I heard curiosity next. 

“I’ve been wondering what you looked like without your dress shirt on all the time.” You commented, before adding. “More so different clothing styles, but also how the heck your body is shaped that way.”

“Oh? You’ve wanted to see me without my clothes? How scandalous.” I teased, slipping more comfortably into a showman attitude to hide the very real fear of the rejection that lurked in my mind that if you saw me without a persona and the confidence as well as the unsightliness of my exposed body, you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. That you wouldn’t want to get closer to me more than you already were, despite how desperately I wanted to spend more time with you. 

“I can wait outside the room, if you’re uncomfortable with me seeing you like this. I thought you might be resting, after yesterday. Plus, you know, we’re supposed to hang out today and temporarily forget about work? Relax?”

“Relax.” I repeated dubiously, before sighing theatrically without moving my arms from their crossed position. “I do recall that being the plan now, my dear.”

“Do you want me to leave?” You asked again, not having taken another step toward me. 

I hesitate, considering. 

Usually, I never let anyone see me so vulnerable, and yet.  

And yet you and I have had some rather interesting heart to heart conversations over these past few months. It wouldn’t be too bad if I let you see some of me like this? Slowly, I lower my left arm, and held it out to the side, palm up and held rather steadily, I must admit. Then, scrounging up the courage before I changed my mind, I spoke softly as a contemplative expression settled over my face. “You may…come closer, but do not look at my front, please.” I pressed my right arm across my chest nervously. 

(There will be a transition of maybe a few more sentences before it switches to readers pov-so it would be technically a new chapter)

You wondered if you should insist that Mr. Puzzles didn’t have to do anything that made him this uncomfortable; hunched shoulders, leaning forward a touch, antenna poking up out of the hat twitching in what you could only presume was nerves. 

And yet, he held a hand up, clearly seeking comfort because you didn’t need to hold Mr. Puzzles hand to inspect his exposed back. But this also gave you an earlier opportunity than later on to try something you’d been wanting to for at least a week. You weren’t entirely sure how he’d react, and perhaps being without clothing on his upper half might make your half-baked plan coming over here more difficult. 

There was only one way to find out. 

You stepped forward, watching Mr. Puzzles carefully for any other signs of discomfort, but he remained stiffly in place at the edge of the stool he was seated on. Reaching out with your own left hand, you set it on his, but after grasping it in what felt a reassuring way, he let go of you and went back to planting both arms across his chest from the way his fingertips dug into either shoulder lightly, on either side of a black bath towel wrapped around his neck. 

“It’s all right.” Mr Puzzles whispered. 

You’re not sure if he’s trying to convince you or himself.  You’ moved to stand behind Mr. Puzzles after he let go of your hand, momentarily marveling that even seated on a stool the top of the TV set he called a head came to the top of your shoulders while you were standing.

“You’re ridiculously tall.” You commented, dropping your gaze to beneath the towel around his neck as a low chuckle emitted from Mr. Puzzles. 

“Better to oversee everyone in the cafe, no?” Amusement, and nervousness. 

“Sure, and for keeping a lookout for me?” You asked casually as you inspected the way his sleek robotic arms were attached to what was left of Mr. Puzzles’ human shoulder. It didn’t look sore around the attachment area but you weren’t certain if it was normal for where he came from for skin to be colored as it was. Slightly gray from where the robotic limbs were as the color went up what was left of the shoulder and spiraled across over his left and right shoulder blades. 

“I have noticed you, at times.” Mr. Puzzles said eventually, in a causal way. “Though ordinarily when you attempted to sneak up to that podcast area of yours before you so kindly invited me up to visit.”

“Like we didn’t notice you trying to eavesdrop a few times?”

“You could never prove it.” Mr. Puzzles hummed. 

“Probably not. You move pretty quick for being so tall as well.”

“One of my many charms.” Mr. Puzzles said proudly. 

“Running away?” You teased, thinking about the time Mr. Puzzles fled through the back door of the cafe and was gone before anyone could figure out what had happened was that his apron had been tugged at and he thought it was one of your roommates come back to get him for flirting with you. 

You think it was flirting, anyway. 

“Staying hidden.” Quiet. Contemplative. 

That…didn’t sound like a good thing.

You stared at the back of Mr. Puzzle’s tv head, then continued roving your gaze over his back when he had nothing more to say. 

Mr. Puzzles spine was…a distressingly visible bumpy line down his back all the way down to where it disappeared down his pants, the suspenders hanging off either side of the belt. There were no obvious robotic parts, just skin that was that graying color that trailed up past his waistline. Upon closer inspection, you could see what appeared to be a line of raised skin along the entire length of Mr. Puzzles spine. You glanced at the back of his head again, then stepped forward to  lightly brushed a few fingers along the raised skin, drawing out an involuntarily shiver from Mr. Puzzles. 

Scar tissue. 

Really thick scar tissue, as if it had been repeatedly cut open and sewn shut. 

“Hey, Puzzles?” You see the way his head tilts to the side, his fingers digging slightly harder into his shoulders. “Can I…give you a hug?”

A very long silence before a very slow exhale sounded. 

“You may. As long as you don’t…”

“…look at your front?”

“Yes.” Quiet.

“Can I touch or-“

“I would presume so for a proper hug.”Attempted amusement poor hiding of the desperate need for touch. 

“Tell me if it’s too much and I’ll stop?” You think you hear a muttered ‘would never be too much’ but couldn’t confirm as Mr. Puzzles  merely straightened up and held ramrod still as if he were about to be hit instead of hugged. 

That made you sad to think that he was nearly flinching as though expecting the worst despite your intentions being pretty clear with your words. Stepping forward, you lightly touch a shoulder blade, drawing forth a stronger shiver before mr puzzles practically leaned back into it.  His skin was slightly cooler to the touch than when he was wearing clothes. Then, he seemed to be warmer, and you couldn’t help but wonder if whatever had been troubling him, especially this past month, might be the reason. 

Mr. Puzzles uttered your name in a barely there whisper. 

You take a final step and lean in, deciding first where to rest your head before carefully wrapping your arms around middle, just below where his arms crossed over his chest. It was always a surprise that you could practically touch your own sides if you wished while hugging me puzzles with how slight he was around the middle compared to his ridiculously wide set shoulders and broad chest. But you merely hold your hands over his middle and press your arms into his skin, drawing yet another shiver. 

Was the temperature difference too much?

“That…feels nice.” Mr puzzles murmured appreciatively. 

Ah.

He liked the sensation of you touching him, perhaps a little more than when you had grabbed his antenna and yanked them, only to, after a very long conversation, pet them at Mr puzzles request about two weeks ago. It had left him a happy puddle of static buzzing and a fast heart rate. 

“This okay?”

“Mmhmm.” He sighed near dreamily. 

You decided to unclasp your hands to trace your fingertips along Mr. Puzzles quivering lower abdomen. This caused him to let out a little whine of static, trembling in place as if not sure whether to press into your touch or lean against you. 

When you note that Mr. Puzzles had begun to fidget you stopped, about to move your arms away when his own arms moved to clasp your hands with his own. Mr. Puzzles stayed motionless for a moment as he held your hands, before, with a little shake, settled them over his chest so you could feel his heartbeat. 

And more crisscrossing of strategically placed lines of scars that reminded you too much of a cadaver in a horror game you’d played.

You focused on his heartbeat instead. 

The two of you stayed in place like that for a moment before Mr. Puzzles eventually yet reluctantly relinquished his hold if your hands and dropped his own onto his lap. 

He was being uncharacteristically quiet. 

“Where’s your shirt?” You think he might feel better if he could see you and reciprocate a hug, but for that, he would need something to put on. 

A hand rose to point a digit to the left. 

You step over to the dress shirt (this one gray instead of white) and walked back to drape it over his shoulders. You watched as he slipped the sleeves over his arms and just as he was about to button it up you had inspiration strike you. Stepping obviously up behind him you lean into mr puzzles back again and shooed his hands away as you began to button the dress shirt up instead. 

Look at you go! All those dark morning fumbling with clothes  with buttons on occasion paid off and it drew an interesting reaction from Mr. Puzzles. 

“Not that I’m not flattered with this assistance but may I ask why?”

“Why not?” You respond, doing the last button right before you wrapped your arms around Mr. Puzzles again. “You look good in these clothes.”

“I do?” Uncertainty, then. “Well, of course, I do!”

You coax one of the suspended straps over Mr. Puzzles’ shoulder before he catches one of your arms. 

“I do believe I am capable of dressing myself, my dear.” 

“Yeah, you are, but I think you like me helping out?”

“And you deduced this how?”

“You’re letting me.” You point out as you let the other suspender strap snap over Mr. Puzzles other shoulder. 

“I do suppose that is true.” Mr Puzzles began to do his freaky 180 head turn, only to stop with a full body grimace and hastily turn it back forward. 

You take the opportunity to steal his bow tie that he was reaching for and step off to the side and out of ways reach of long gangly arms. You can’t help but let out a snort of amusement when Mr Puzzles gracefully spins the stool with a leg to face you. He studied you with an expression of amusement on his tv face.  You wordlessly hold up the bow tie and wiggle it. 

“I get up and you won’t get far.” Mr Puzzles said after a moment. The screen switched to a light smile and hooded eyes. 

He was really bad at hiding his interests even if those interests were likely to scoop you up and hold you in his lap or something while he soaked up his ‘allotted cuddling’ for the day. 

“Who said I was going to run?” You offer back. 

Intrigue, then a slightly manic smile.

Oh, you definitely got him interested in whatever it was you had in mind.

Mr. Puzzles stood up, and slowly approached you, watching you closely as he retained eye contact. How he did that with a static expression, you weren’t sure, but it sure was impressive. In two long steps, Mr Puzzles stood before you and held out a hand with a flourish, as if expecting you to bestow upon him the bow tie.

You reach over for the step-stool nearby and make a show of climbing the two steps as though it was an arduous task, drawing an appreciative chuckle for the theatrics. You reached out with your hands, making it clear you intended to do the bowtie for him too.

Mr. Puzzles indulgently stooped while keeping his neck upright. This close to him you could hear the fuzz of the screen and the huff of laughter over you clearly struggling to get the bow tie in place. 

“I guess it’s easier on the tutorial.” You eventually admit, jumping a little when Mr. Puzzles’ hands come up around yours.

“And most I assume are for one wearing the bow tie. Here.” He guided you through getting the bowtie into place, only to switch to a grin when it was done and you’d lowered your hands with his still around yours, as if Mr. Puzzles was reluctant to let go of you. He looked like he might try to pick you up despite his neck troubling him.

“Want to go to the other room?” You asked casually, as if Mr. Puzzles hadn’t just begun to pet the back of your hands with his ungloved ones while retaining a semblance of eye contact with you. 

“How about a change of venue?” Mr. Puzzles asked, his tone a little deeper than before, rougher. “I think it might be more private in the dimension in my mind.”

Okay, giving him undivided attention appeared to bring out the possessiveness, so time for a diversion to defuse that, and a great time, you think, to push things a little farther to let Mr. Puzzles know you did have interest in him and were down for whatever, even if it as cuddling and handholding at this point, like he insinuated yesterday, as if it were scandalous for friends to do. 

You don’t think it is, but whatever. If that was his current comfort zone you’d go with it and back off if your next words and actions went over poorly. “You have a ridiculously grabbable waist that allows a perfect angle to switch to grabbing your ass.” 

“Oh?” Mr puzzles screen flicked through a series of expressions before landing on a curious eyed eke with a smirk. “How raunchy. You’re lucky we’re not on one of my sets where that’d be highly inappropriate.”

“And since we’re not on a set?” You asked with curiosity, only to nearly jump out of your skin as Mr Puzzles has managed to move in that freakishly fast way of his where he now had you  up against a wall, hands on either side of your shoulders on said wall. 

“I would say I’m very…interested, to see where this is going.” Mr. Puzzles carefully lowered his tv head to rest it over yours. That didn’t seem comfortable to press his screen into the wall but he wasn’t found so very hard. 

You didn’t gove yourself time to think and reached out to grasp his hips. 

Mr puzzles trembled in place.

“You want me to keep going?”

“wouldn’t have said I were interested if I didn’t mean you to.”  Mr. Puzzles sounded oddly breathless. 

“You going to be okay, big guy?” You asked. “Just touching your hips seems to have gotten you all hot and bothered.”

“Unoriginal. Use something other than ‘hot’ and ‘bothered.’ Too cliche.” 

“I’ll give you cliche, ass.” And you promptly tugged him forward to grab said ass. His stupid, stupid backside that should not fit his lanky, weirdly built body. 

Mr. Puzzles hands pressed harder into the wall. 

“Any requests?” You asked, as if you weren’t just kneading him through his pants and making him shake. 

“Perhaps it is a bit too much?” Mr. Puzzles gasped out. It sounded like his screen was flashing through a lot of pictures and faces.

You stop, only for him to let out a frustrated whine. 

“I didn’t mean for you to actually stop.” 

You frown up at Mr. Puzzles, take in the pointed not looking at you as he kept his screen pressed to the wall, and then glance down. “You sure?”

“Yes.”

“We can stop.”

“No, please continue.”

“We’re going to have another talk okay? Like we did about your antenna.”

A hum of agreement and then a desperate, softly uttered ‘please’. 

“This is okay, what we’re doing right now?” You asked again, wanting to make sure he wasn’t just stuck in the touch starved sensation where anything felt nice.

“Yes, yes it is.” A little snappish as the tv head leaned back for Mr. Puzzles to presumably eye you. “Do your worst. I am perfectly fine with where this is headed.”

“Okay, here goes.” You set one hand lightly on his hip while you followed the urge to give his ass a final slap through the pants that made Mr. Puzzles give a high-pitched yelp of surprise, as if not entirely expecting that.

He sank to the floor on his knees with a flushed expression flashing across his face. Mr. Puzzles buried his screen into his hands, but you catch a glimpse of the screen that showed off blushing, a small technicolor smile and a set of eyes set off to one side away from where you stood.

You decide to let Mr. Puzzles have some dignity while he gathered himself, but you can’t help leaning over pat his head, since it was easier to access when he was crouched or kneeling. The whisper of ‘good boy’ came out unbidden when you pet the side of his screen and an antenna, half-thinking he’d bat your hand away and scoff at you.  You did not expect the noise Mr Puzzles made as he sank entirely to the floor, curling up and pressing his hands into his tv face harder as his expression burned bright, his facsimile eyes on you this time, like he was seeing you in a new light and was very, very curious.

Wow.

Okay.

You knew Mr. Puzzles liked praise with that ego of his, but this flustered demeanor was new compared to the awkwardness of trying to strike up conversation with you in the first week of being here in the world.

[bagopucks]

M. Marner - Depths Of Love

✄————————————

Mitch Marner x Reader

Word Count: 1.8k

Warning(s): death of a loved one, angst, coping, moving on.

“We grew together, and now are grown. In her eyes, I see my heart. In her breath, I hear my soul. She is my land. She is my skin. My love.”

“All wounds heal. Even these."

“I'll never be healed of Eo. That pain will last forever.”

"Some things do not fade. Some things can never be made right.”

“There’s pain when I hold her, but it comes from the past…. She is something new, something hopeful. Like spring to my deep winter.”

Bonus points if you know the books these quotes are from!

I didn’t know what I wanted to write at first, I just knew I wanted to write for Mitch.

—————————————

“Mitch?” Auston stepped up beside his friend, resting a hand on the chilly damp fabric of Mitch’s suit jacket.

“I know.. I know.. I’m gonna get there.”

“There’s no rush, bud. Take your time.”

They stood together for what felt like hours. Mitch held the red rose in his hands, as delicately as he held her hand when she passed. Auston’s hand remained on his back, occasionally rubbing in an effort to console his lost friend. Mitch’s eyes had been red since he woke up that morning. His body had been on autopilot, gathering the belongings and items that had to go home with her family. Putting on a black suit he stuffed in the back of the closet forever ago. A black suit he said he never wanted to wear because it was too mundane. He had cooler things to wear. Now he understood why black fit funerals so well.

“What’s going through your mind?”

Mitch let out a shaky sigh.

“She’s gone. I’m gonna drop this flower and that’s just that.. she’s gone. They’re gonna-“ he choked on a breath of air, tears spilling down his cheeks once again.

“Buddy, you have to drop it eventually.”

“I didn’t want her to go.”

It was untimely. They’d just gotten engaged. They just began a binder full of wedding plans. She just began her journalist career. She had an extensive article on Mitch’s career she wanted to publish.

Then she got sick. Mitch’s world slipped from his fingertips more and more every day. He didn’t know how to grip onto anything when it was all just sand, blowing away. He lost it all so quickly. He felt like his whole world lost its meaning. The sun set, and the moon was dull. The stars in the sky didn’t even entice him. Nothing sounded interesting when she wasn’t there next to him.

Mitch released the flower only as a means to free his hands to grab ahold of Auston. Matthews’ arms enveloped Mitch in a grasp that was desperate and understanding. Auston held onto Mitch while he sobbed, the simple sound of agony causing the others gathered to allow the tears of their own to fall.

Mitch clung to Auston through the transition. Cleaning his house, attending therapy, deciding how to move forward, returning to hockey. He kept in touch with her family for the first week or so, then at some point, they all stopped texting and calling. It took months before Mitch’s life returned to a routine normalcy that was much like the one before her. Zeus slept in the bed again, his late nights were spent watching tv in bed, his dishes were only cleaned when the sink was full.

Sometimes Mitch slipped up to his attic to visit her. The items of hers that he kept. The wedding plans, the ring, the few articles of clothing. Sometimes he’d spend so many hours up there, that he’d fall asleep. Then eventually, he stopped visiting. His life became hectic. Enveloped it hockey. A firm distraction. A good one.

Then we met. Mitch’s smiles reached his eyes again. His giggles sounded genuine. The center of his world shifted again, to hold myself and hockey. He was guarded at first, but I was patient. I met her before I met his family. Mitch told me of her. She seemed wonderful. Like somebody I would have been friends with. Which was why I made a silent promise to myself, that I would not turn him into somebody she would have hated. I made a silent promise to her, that I would protect him. Hold him, and care for him. And that’s what I did.

Some days were better than others. We’d stay in and cook, or go out for dinner and dessert. Sometimes Mitch wanted me to join him for a quick skate. Other days, he wanted to join me in bed while I read. It wasn’t always perfect. Sometimes he’d randomly cry. I learned, sometimes I simply had to stop whatever I was doing to be there for him. If he wanted it. He was good at hiding away when he didn’t want any consolation. Other times, he’d be gone so long that I’d go looking for him, only to find him struggling to breathe in the corner of his room, on the floor with his dog curled up by his feet.

“Mitchy?” I cooed as my feet padded down the hall, stepping into the bedroom I woke up in. He was laid out on his stomach, in bed. His muscles looked tense, easily noticeable due to the lack of a shirt. I couldn’t see his face, but I could tell by his heaving breaths that something wasn’t right. Then I heard his soft cries.

I slowly wandered over to the bed and climbed in next to him, laying on my stomach and tossing an arm over his back to gently rub his skin.

“Deep breaths, sweetie.” I’d press occasional kisses to the side of his arm.

“I know,” he whispered, his voice hoarse and broken.

“Don’t rush, hun.”

At some point, the tears stopped and the kisses began. Mitch would never forget her. She would never leave his heart, but he let go of the guilt. He told her of me. He told her how much he loved me. He showed her the ring he bought before he ever showed Auston.

“I think she’s really gonna love it.” Mitch smiled down at the ring box in his hands, seated in the grass by her headstone. “She loves square diamonds.“ He shook his head in disbelief. “I really hope she says yes.”

I did. It was a no brainer when he got down on one knee. When he asked me to spend his forever with him, I didn’t have any doubts. I worked far too hard, and loved him too much, to give him up.

There were moments after the engagement where he was tense. Nervous and stressed over recalling the moments when he lost his late fiancé. I had to remind Mitch that the uncertainty couldn’t stop him from living. I couldn’t assure him that he wouldn’t lose me. There would always be that possibility. What I did tell him, was that it was important to live in the moments while they last. To forget about the ‘what ifs.’

Mitch asked if his dog could be the ring bearer. I made him promise that Zeus wouldn’t jump on everybody. We comprised that Auston could walk the dog down the aisle.

“We are gathered here today…”

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” He whispered through clenched teeth. Mitch’s smile was contagiously wide. We stood so close that the priest was almost unable to be seen between us.

“I love you,” I spoke in a hushed tone. Mitch’s cheeks flushed.

“Don’t say it yet.” He squeezed my hands.

“Are we done yet?” Our heads snapped in the priest’s direction, our faces flushing.

“Sorry.” Mitch muttered.

The ceremony went by in a twinkle of wonder. Mitch pulled his vows from his pocket in the form of notes on his phone. I had done the same on my own, but my dress didn’t have pockets, so my maid of honor had to hold my phone for me until I was ready for it.

“Okay..” Mitch blew out a tense puff of air. He held his phone up, big blue eyes flickering between myself and his phone.

“Mitchy.” I caught his attention. “There’s no rush. Take your time.” The tension eased from his shoulders, then he nodded.

“Your patience gave me time to grow. I didn’t know what to do with my life for a period of time. I was walking in circles, until you paved a new path, and held my hand every step of the way. I get lost easily. Incredibly easily. And I couldn’t have fallen more in love with you than I did. I know it wasn’t easy.” I wanted to wipe the tears from his cheeks, but for the sake of not distracting him, I kept my hands to myself. “I know I made it hard on you, but I’m so happy you stuck it out. I can’t wait to spend every tomorrow with you.”

Only when he put his phone away, did I reach out to cup his cheeks in my hands. Mitch sniffled quietly. I would have kissed him then and there, if not for tradition.

“Miss?”

“I’m getting there.” I answered the priest with a quiet laugh. I pulled away from Mitch and turned to my bridesmaid to grab my phone. When I looked back at him, I reached for his hand with my free one.

“Mitchell,” the use of his full name made him smile. “You hold my soul. My entire being. You fulfill a part of me that nobody else could. We’ve grown together, and we’ll continue to do so. The timing with which we met each other, was perfect. One second later would have been too late. Please never forget my vow to love you for eternity. Even as the days pass by, and we grow old.”

When we kissed, I could feel the tears on Mitch’s cheeks. The cheering and excitement in the background was just that. Background noise. Our first kiss was as intimate as our first dance. We felt like the only two in the room, sharing moments we never thought we would have the privilege of sharing with anybody.

Mitch spun me around, content smiles on our lips. His hands found my hips when I faced him again.

At some point the song ended, but we never stopped swaying. Mitch’s arms wrapped around my midsection, and his chin came to rest on top of my head. There was the occasional flash from a camera, quiet whispers, but nobody said a word to us for a while. Until I heard Mitch’s mother from behind him.

“Mitchell?”

“I’m not done yet.” He fussed, his grip tightening around my body.

“There’s no rush, baby. I just wanted a photo.” He slowly turned us in her direction. I lifted my head from where it had been resting against his chest.

“Smile for me, sweethearts.” The woman held her phone up. When the flash of her camera lit up the dim room, we both laughed.

“Okay, okay. I’ll leave you guys alone now.” She squeezed her son’s arm before slipping off to find her husband.

Mitch and I slowly looked back at one another.

“I can’t wait to get you home,” he confessed softly as he pressed a kiss to my forehead.

“No rush, baby.”

✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾

[blueraineshadows]

Midnight Melody Part 2

Please read Part 1. GN!MC x Ominis Gaunt: deep feels and fluff, jealous Ominis, and a first kiss.

In the 2 weeks that MC had spent sneaking out to the common room to sit with Ominis whilst he played piano, they had come to decide that they liked his company very much indeed. How easy it had become to sit on the bench next to him, the touch of thigh now a welcome comfort. How charmed they had become to hold conversation with him, learning that they shared a love for the same books and music. There was a tranquility to be found in his company, and it was becoming a delight to their heart. Missed sleep was no longer an anguish, not when it was for a pleasant reason.

During the day, through lessons and shared school activities, their talk was kept to the minimum, mostly about the work in shared classes. At dinner, MC sat near Ominis, but most of the time was held in conversation with Sebastian. Any chance to talk about a shared passion kept for the later hour in the quiet of the common room. But this was alright, in fact it was more than alright, it made the time more personal, special.

MC was sitting up in bed reading, waiting for the others in their room to drift off to sleep, a book spread on their lap. Eventually the steady sounds of sleep filled the room, and despite themselves, MC felt a little sleepy too. But, the pull of time spent with Ominis won out, and they slipped from the dormitory in slippers and a robe over their pyjamas.

There were no soft melodies coming from the piano this night. Instead, Ominis was seated in a wing back chair by the fire. He lifted his head up as MC approached, his face clearing from his deep thoughts. "You came," he said.

"Of course," MC said. "Did you think that I wouldn't?"

"You told Sebastian that you were tired at dinner, I assumed you would remain in your bed tonight."

"I was too tired for what Sebastian was proposing. I did not feel like a late night adventure tonight," MC said. "This is much more acceptable."

Ominis nodded slowly, his face turned towards the warmth radiating from the fire in the hearth. He seemed distracted, his face serious and missing the spark of dry humour usually present.

"Is everything alright, Ominis? You seem troubled."

Ominis turned his face their way, his eyes moving a little as if seeking them out. "May I ask you a question?"

"Of course, anything," MC replied.

Ominis hesitated, pressing the fingertips of both hands together. He gave a little sigh. "Would it interest you to learn that Sebastian finds you physically appealing?"

MC felt their jaw drop, their mouth forming an 'O' of surprise. They had not been expecting that at all! A fierce blush spread across their cheeks and they were thankful that Ominis could not see it. "He does?" MC's voice came out a little strangled as they tried to digest this information. "I...I had no idea! Did he tell you this?"

Ominis scowled a little, his mouth almost a pout. "It pleases you then, to know this?"

"Well, I suppose anyone would feel flattered to learn such a thing," MC said. "I had not thought Sebastian would feel that way about me though. I wouldn't have thought I was his type."

"Why ever not?"

MC shrugged. "I imagine Sebastian being with someone far more beautiful, more cultured perhaps, rather than myself with my boring, muggle upbringing."

"Do not put yourself down like that," Ominis said. His voice was low but held that commanding tone that always made MC tremble a little. "I have heard idle chit chat amongst our peers, being without my sight I do tend to listen more than most, and it is clear that your physical attributes are definitely appealing to one's eye. My lack of sight leaves me at a considerable disadvantage I fear, for I am unable to form an opinion of my own on the matter. But what I will say, is that physical beauty aside, I find you to be a most pleasant and appealing person to spend time with, and that counts for a lot in my book."

Ominis sat back in his chair, breathing a little faster after his impassioned speech, and his hands gripped the arms of the chair hard enough to turn his knuckles white. MC swallowed thickly, overcome with many emotions at those words. As they said, it was always nice to hear that one's physical appearance was appealing, but the praise that had tumbled from their new friend's lips had brought a rather pleasing flush of warmth to spread through their body. To know that Ominis prized their company as much as they did was beyond a delight. He was right, that was something to be highly treasured, but still, MC felt the pain of him not knowing what they looked like. It was a disadvantage in some ways because as MC allowed their gaze to travel over him, noting the delicate curve of his mouth, the fine bone structure of his cheeks and hands, they knew it would be a terrible shame to not be able to appreciate such handsome features.

Moved to ease the obvious upset on Ominis' face, MC settled onto their knees before his chair and placed a hesitant hand over his. Ominis tensed immediately at the contact and MC paused. "Forgive me," they murmured. "May I touch you?"

"Why?" He sounded suspicious.

"Its alright," MC soothed. "I did not mean to startle you. I just wish to allow you a chance to see me. It grieves me to learn it upsets you. I do not like the thought of you being upset. Let me try something, please?"

Ominis remained hesitant but he gave a small nod. "Very well."

MC raised up onto their knees and shuffled a little closer before taking up Ominis' hand into their own. MC could feel the tremble of nerves in their hand as they guided his to their face. "You said that you rely on your other senses to aid you when navigating the world," MC said. They placed his hand against their cheek, his fingers cool against their flushed skin. "Please, feel free to use touch to see me, trace the lines of my face so that you may have some idea of what others get to see."

Ominis trained his gaze on their face in that eerie way he had of looking but not seeing. His lips parted in surprise and MC thought that his breathing had notched up a gear. "You would really allow me to do this?" His voice barely above a whisper.

"Please, do," MC said, equally as soft.

Ominis sat forward and brought his other hand up to MC's face. Finger tips swept smoothly over their cheeks, tracing the shape of cheekbone and jaw, drawing upwards to slide across the brow and down the bridge of their nose. His index finger slid down over the tip of their nose and into the dip above their top lip. MC swallowed, a tingly fire seeming to wake and kiss their skin as Ominis traced the curve of their lips. A flush spread across his cheeks as MC's lips flexed under his touch, almost as though to kiss the tips of his fingers.

His touch was gentle and sensitive, not intrusive at all, and yet there was an intimacy to it. MC found that they craved more of it and felt bereft when Ominis finally drew his hands back. "Well? What is your verdict?" MC could hear the husky nature of their own voice and resisted the urge to clear their throat.

"I want to thank you for your trust in allowing me to touch you like that," he said. "And while I am no expert, it is as they say, you are exquisite."

MC drew in a shaky breath, their heart bursting with a joy that they had never known before. Without thinking, they clasped his hands in their own. "Oh Ominis, thank you," they said. Hot tears stung the backs of their eyes. "And please, allow me to return such courtesy by confessing that to me you are, by far, the most attractive person I have had the fortune to spend time with. You bring me so much joy, such pleasure at a time when life has been terribly difficult. Of course, Sebastian has been invaluable with his support, and I am flattered by his praise of me. But it pales next to the honour your own words bestow on me. You have no idea how much I value our time together, and you must forgive this emotional outburst from me. I fear that I have become rather emotional."

"MC," he breathed. His hands held theirs in a firm grip. "I too value our time together. And there is nothing to forgive. You...you move me."

MC did not think that a heart could pound so hard and continue to survive, and yet theirs was doing a fine job of it indeed. "Ominis," they said, moving ever closer towards him. They pulled a hand free and reached up to cup his face. Ominis closed his eyes at the gentle touch. "You have moved me too, so much so that...I...I am rather overcome with a need to kiss you. Would that be acceptable to you?"

A smile graced his lips and he drew MC so close that they were now pressed up against the chair, their face inches from his as he leaned towards them. "More than acceptable," he said. "In fact, I must insist on it."

A first kiss is always one that means so much to one who saves it for someone deserving of it. MC had never dreamed of this moment being as special as it was. This strange, magical world had thrown so many delights in their path, so much to inspire awe and wonder. But it all paled in comparison to the touch of his lips against theirs. The delicate touch, the warmth, the sheer intimacy of lips against lips awoke a hunger inside MC that they had never known existed. Lips that shared thoughts and dreams, lips that could smile and coax laughter were now sharing a unique tenderness and desire that brought tears to MC's eyes.

When finally the kiss ended, MC felt the press of his forehead against theirs, but they kept their eyes closed, savouring the moment. Hands clung on to each other, needing the contact to keep them grounded.

"I feel like I could never stop now that I have started," Ominis whispered. "I cannot tell you how glad I am that you came to Hogwarts."

"Then let us never stop," MC declared. "With you I feel like I will never feel lonely again. My heart is yours should you wish it, and my price is to have your kiss whenever I desire it."

"I do wish it and accept it gladly, and as for my kiss, you may have as many as you need, starting as of now."

As their lips met again, MC felt a tear slide from their eye, their hands moving to hold Ominis as close to their heart as possible. Where he belonged.

[worriedvision]

Maybe the "When was I supposed to find out? When it was too late?!" Prompt with Albedo. Like reader says that to him after a misunderstanding with Mona or maybe even Sucrose since the windblume event is going on

Gender neutral reader angst, Sucrose is basically the supportive friend of readers and it's Mona where the misunderstanding comes in.

--

You were hanging out with Sucrose, enjoying lunch together when the topic of Albedo came up.

"I haven't been able to find my boyfriend...Do you know where he is?" You ask, Sucrose letting out a thoughtful noise. "Usually we spend more time with each other, but I've not seen him in the last week..."

"Well, I think he's working on a commission. If you want, I can show you where I last saw him." Sucrose suggests, you nodding. "L-lets finish this first though." She states, looking down at her plate.

--

You hear Albedo talking to Mona, someone you didn't know especially well. You did, however, know that she was a very attractive woman, and the fact Albedo could have been spending time with her gave you a bad feeling. They were talking to each other, clearly sorting out some sort of arrangement, and you were hoping to wait until their conversation was complete to see him again.

But then you heard Mona say something that concerned you.

"It's a date, then." She states, nodding before walking back to her home. You look at Sucrose, hoping for some sort of reassurance that this wasn't actually what it sounds like. Unfortunately, the look you received was one of pity.

Albedo was finishing up his packing, his plans for illustrating Mona's readings in place and ready to be discussed further.

"When was I supposed to find out?" You ask, storming up to Albedo. "When it was too late?"

"I'm afraid I don't know what-"

"You and Mona! Mona said you two had a date, I heard it!" You exclaim, Albedo still processing what exactly this meant for them. He understood that with Mona, she sometimes said a meetup was a date, even if it was purely friendly and nothing romantic ever occurred on these meetups.

"It all makes sense now. I feel so silly, all of this festival, I was trying to distract myself because I knew you kept your work to yourself." You shake your head, clenching your hands. "I should have connected the dots sooner."

"I can explain." Albedo starts, Sucrose not entirely sure which friend she was to support in this case given the lack of context. "Please, take a seat."

"And listen to you elaborate on you realising you could do better than me? No thank you." You huff, walking back to the city gates as Sucrose, looks between you both before sitting with Albedo.

--

"The Great Astrologist, Mona Megistus, requested that I illustrate some of her works." Albedo starts, Sucrose looking at the papers he was pulling out. "We decided on what pieces to do. The 'date' was purely business."

"Oh..." Sucrose lets out, unsure what she should do in this case. "If you don't mind me asking...Why has this taken over a week?"

"It didn't." Albedo simply states. "The week was mainly spent on looking after Klee, and entertaining the guests from Sumeru. You were there yourself, you know I wouldn't dare cheat."

"In hindsight, I should have told them about the week..." Sucrose trails off. "Maybe I should have dragged you along to some of our chats."

"No, that was entirely my fault. I ought to schedule these dates. Admittedly, I have a habit of getting caught up in a research topic that takes my interest." Albedo tuts.

"Do you want me to say anything to them?" Sucrose asks. Albedo shakes his head no, causing her confusion to come back.

"I need to be the one to explain this. If you would be alright with being there as well, I would appreciate that."

[lemoncrushh]

Out of Bounds - Chapter 5

STORY PAGE

Word Count: 3631

The rest of my weekend was uneventful. I spent most of the time finishing my English paper on Pride and Prejudice, which admittedly I was grateful for. I only talked to Harry once when he texted me Sunday saying that the night before hadn't been nearly as fun without me there, and that he'd hoped I'd enjoyed my cheesecake. I told him he was sweet.

Professor Crawford introduced the next chapter in Sociology on Tuesday, so Harry and I met at the library on Wednesday evening to begin work on our second paper. With the semester well under way, the library seemed more crowded than usual. Like before, we both threw out a few ideas, but nothing really grabbed both of our interests. Behind us was a table of girls who kept giggling. At first, I thought they were giggling at Harry, or worse, me with Harry, but we finally concluded that they were high. They were finally asked to leave, which made Harry and me giggle. In the end we both decided we weren't going to get anywhere that night, so we decided to try again on Harry's next night off, Saturday.

We had agreed to meet at his apartment to study this time instead of the library. Less distractions, he'd said, though I wasn't so sure about that. At least the library was a public place. How on earth was I going to handle being alone with him? Of course, these thoughts were never discussed out loud. They were only in my head. Other than the harmless flirting we continued to exchange daily in class and in the library, Harry was a perfect gentleman. He had voiced that one time that he would ask me out if I wasn't married. And other than my visit to Mikado's, nothing similar had been brought up again.

Although I hadn't done anything wrong, and had no reason to be deceitful, I felt guilty about this evening. Up to now I had pretty much been honest with my husband. I told him that in Soc. class we had been put into pairs for the duration, and my partner was a boy named Harry. I'd even revealed that he was a cute boy, and about this he teased me, though I'd probably made it seem like he was just your typical cute kid, not the handsome young man he really was. I'd also told him that we had to get together to study and work on projects, which he seemed fine with. Late nights at the library were exactly that. Until tonight. I couldn't bring myself to tell him I was going to meet Harry at his place. I just told him it was another late night at the library.

I actually felt jitters as I got out of my car and stepped onto the sidewalk. "Get a grip, Tisa," I told myself. I clutched my backpack tightly and knocked on the door. A handsome guy with dark hair and a slight beard answered it.

"Hey, you must be Tisa," he said. He held the the door open and waved me in. "I'm Zack."

"Hi, Zack," I nodded. I had heard Harry mention his roommate's name before, but of course he hadn't mentioned he was a hottie too.

"That's Joey over there," Zack motioned toward another boy sitting on the couch, clearly engrossed in a video game. He quickly raised a hand and said "hey."

"And Grayson's in the kitchen with Harry," Zack continued, gesturing toward the small kitchen. I heard Harry sing in a low voice, "Grayson's in the kitchen with Harry," to the tune of "Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah." I giggled.

Harry peeked his head around the counter. "Hi Tisa," he grinned.

I waved and leaned my backpack against the wall.

"Oh, hello, I'm Grayson," said the fourth boy who'd just stepped out from the kitchen with a beer in his hand. He held out his other hand for me to shake.

"Tisa," I replied.

"Pleasure."

"Good grief, Harry!" I exclaimed. "Are all your friends as cute as you?"

Grayson and Harry laughed.

"Must be something in the water," I said shaking my head.

"Speaking of that," said Grayson, holding up his beer, "can I get you something to drink?"

"Sure, thanks," I nodded

"Hey, she's my guest," Harry protested.

"Well, I was just being hospitable. Excuuuse me!" Grayson raised his arms in surrender and walked into the living room.

"You lads are supposed to be leaving shortly, anyway," Harry said, wiping his hands on a dishcloth. It was only then that I realized he had been cooking. And it smelled delicious. "Sorry, Tisa," he apologized, "what can I get you to drink? I have a bottle of wine if you like."

"Harry," I whispered gingerly, stepping into the kitchen, "you cooked?"

He grinned as he uncorked the wine bottle. "I reckoned it was a wee bit better than calling for pizza."

I was speechless, but fortunately Zack broke my concentration when he emerged from another room, which I assumed was his bedroom since he had changed his shirt and was wearing some yummy cologne, declaring it was time to leave.

Joey murmured an obscenity at the video game he'd been playing and turned it off.

"Where are you guys headed tonight?" I asked.

"Just to Willie's down the street," replied Zack.

"Zack's girlfriend's band is playing tonight," said Joey.

"Oh cool!" I exclaimed.

"She's not my girlfriend," Zack said with a smirk. "Yet." Then he winked.

"I told Harry if you get done with your homework early, you can come join us," said Grayson.

"Don't hold your breath," I heard Harry respond behind me.

I laughed. Then I shrugged at Grayson. "We'll see." I wondered if Harry had mentioned to any of his friends that I was married. But then I dismissed the thought, seeing as it was none of their business. It's not like I was Harry's date. Right?

"Nice meeting you, Tisa," said Zack.

"You too, sweetie," I replied. "Have fun."

"Bye, Tisa," the other two boys said. "See ya, Harry."

As soon as the door shut, I swung around and almost bumped into Harry who was holding two glasses of wine.

"Harry," I said, taking one of the glasses. "How am I supposed to study if I'm loopy?"

"Does wine make you loopy?" he asked.

"Indubitably."

Harry chuckled. "Well, you'll have time to sober up. Right now is dinner."

"Can I help with anything?"

"Nope, it's all ready. Have a seat."

I sat down at the small round table in the dining area. It looked like it was meant just for two people, which would make sense for two young men, though I guessed it probably wasn't used much at all. I sipped my wine as I watched Harry dish out the food, then place a savory looking plate in front of me.

"Wow," I breathed. It was a beautiful sea bass with roasted potatoes and steamed vegetables.

"Do you cook a lot?" I asked as soon as Harry sat down.

"No, not really. I only know how to cook a few things. And the guys usually end up getting take-out."

I took a bite of fish and it just melted in my mouth. "Oh my God," I exclaimed. "So good!"

Harry beamed.

"So, do your friends hang out here a lot?" I asked as I took another forkful.

"Every fucking day," Harry scowled.

I laughed. "Getting old, huh?"

He shrugged. "Eh, it's not that I mind. They're good lads."

"They seem like it," I nodded. "And you're a good friend."

Harry just glared at me for a moment, then looked down at his plate. I was worried I'd said something wrong. I did consider him a good friend. And that's all we could ever really be. I hoped he understood that.

"This has been a nice change of pace," he finally said, interrupting my thought.

"What's that?"

"Spending so much time with you," he replied. My heart jumped to my throat. "You know, instead of being here all the time."

"Oh," I mouthed. "Gotcha."

We ate in silence for a bit, sans for my compliments to the chef.

"Tisa," Harry said after a moment, wiping his mouth with a napkin. "I've never really asked you because...well...it's not really my place, and I don't want to pry. But, how does your husband feel about your spending so much time with me?"

"I don't really know," I shrugged. "I haven't asked him."

Harry stared at me incredulously. "He knows you're with me, right?"

"Oh yeah!" I said. "No, I didn't mean that. He knows I'm studying or doing homework with you. I just meant that I don't really know how he feels about it. He hasn't said anything."

"Oh."

"Except for when I told him we got an A on the last project. He said the hard worked paid off."

"Oh." Harry paused and took a bite of fish. "Does he know you're here tonight?"

I pursed my lips and shook my head. "I told him I was going to the library again."

"Tisa."

"I just felt better telling him that. He knows that's where we've been the last few weeks. I didn't think he'd be cool with my going to some guy's house."

"And why not?"

I tilted my head and raised an eyebrow. "Well, what would you think?"

"Point taken," Harry said.

We finished eating and I helped Harry put away the rest of the food and wash the dishes. Then we sat down in the living room to begin time-lining our next project. But first we had to come up with a concept, of which we still had no clue.

"Okay, so chapters three and four were about sexuality. I suppose we should do something along the lines of that."

"Brilliant."

"I drank too much wine, Harry," I declared, leaning my head against the couch cushion. "Why'd you let me drink too much? I'm not gonna be able to drive home."

"What a shame," he said with a smirk.

Here we go again, crossing the friendship line. He was flirting with me, and I knew it. I knew it because I was flirting too. I made the drunk comment knowing what his response would be. Although I was pretty loopy. I wasn't drunk yet, but we'd finished off the bottle of wine and I definitely had a nice buzz.

"I think we can stop for the night, don't you?" I asked, turning my head toward Harry. "I'm tired of talking about something I'm not getting."

Harry raised his eyebrows. I lightly slapped him on the shoulder with the back of my hand. "You know what I mean."

"I'm not sure I do."

"Nevermind," I said. "I'm sorry I brought it up. Let's do something else."

"Would you like the TV on?" Harry asked, reaching for the remote.

"Nah, no TV."

"Then what do you want to do?"

I sighed. "I don't know. Get drunk."

Harry chuckled. "I think that can be arranged."

He stood up and went to the kitchen, returning with a second bottle of wine. Without saying a word, he refilled both glasses, placed the bottle on the coffee table, and dimmed the lamp to a lower setting. Then he handed me my wine glass, took his own, and sat down next to me on the floor.

"Cheers," he said.

I smiled and raised my glass, clinking it with his. As we both took a sip, our eyes met, burning into each other. It may have been the wine (okay, I'm sure it was the wine), but I couldn't take my eyes off him. I began to study his entire face, his jawline, the curls that brushed his shoulder. His bare throat, the way his shirt was unbuttoned enough to reveal his tattoos, and the necklace he wore that seemed to lay perfectly on display in the center of his chest. He was so incredibly sexy.

It was then that I realized Harry must have been staring at me too because he quickly leaned back and sighed.

"Fuck!" he exclaimed. "Maybe we should just write this paper about ourselves."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Don't you feel the sexual tension in here?"

"You could cut it with a knife," I said, taking another sip of wine. Then I laid the glass on the table. "Of course that's not helping." I leaned back against the couch again and closed my eyes.

We were both silent for what felt like a long time until I heard Harry murmur, "I really want to kiss you." My heart skipped a beat.

"I know," I whispered.

I hadn't opened my eyes yet, but I could feel Harry sliding closer to me, one arm on the couch behind my head. I knew he was waiting, so I dared to take a peek at him. His face was inches from mine, his eyes focused on my mouth. Out of habit, or pure reflex, I don't know, I licked my lips. Harry then placed his other hand on the side of my neck and leaned in closer, until our lips were only slightly brushing. The sensation sent an electric current through my entire body. Then he covered my mouth with his, letting his tongue dance with mine.

The kisses deepened until I finally had to put a stop to them, placing my hand on Harry's chest and gently pushing him back.

"Harry," I whispered.

He still had his hand on my neck, his forehead leaning against mine. He was breathing hard as was I. I swallowed and continued.

"Harry, we can't."

Ignoring my words, he kissed a trail from my forehead, down my nose to my mouth. I tried to protest, but he grabbed my hand and held it against his chest. I could feel his heart beating and it turned me on even more. His lips were so soft, his kisses gentle, yet demanding. When his mouth made his way down to my neck, and his hands found their way up my shirt, I could hardly stand it any longer.

"Harry, stop."

He obliged for a moment, looking at me with his bedroom eyes. To say I could feel the wetness between my legs would be an understatement. I wanted him so bad. But I knew this was wrong.

"Tell me to go."

"What?" he asked, his voice raspy.

"We can't do this. I should be at home. Tell me to leave, right now," I demanded.

Harry shook his head. He looked down for a second, then back at me, biting his lip. "No."

I sighed. I felt so confused. Helpless. Defeated.

"I want you, Tisa," declared Harry. "And I know you want me."

He kissed me passionately again before I could argue. Not that I was going to. I surrendered, letting my fingers run through his hair. We continued to kiss as my hands ran down his chest and I found the top fastened button on his shirt. I unbuttoned it and the next two with desperation. Harry shook out of the sleeves and tossed the shirt aside, then grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled it up over my head. Cupping my breasts, his lips tickled my ear as he let out a soft moan. I reached behind my back to unhook my bra, but Harry stopped me.

"Wait."

Gazing into my eyes, he stood and held out his hand. I took it and followed him into the bedroom which was lit only by a digital clock on the bedside table, giving the entire room a blueish glow. Once the door was shut, he didn't waste any time getting undressed. I just stood there in awe of his beauty, my head slightly spinning.

"Come here," he beckoned as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Standing before him I suddenly felt nervous. I fumbled with the button on my jeans, my hands shaking. Harry must have noticed because he covered my hands with his.

"Allow me," he murmured.

Quickly he unzipped and yanked down my pants and I stepped out of them. He pulled me closer to him, so that I was standing between his legs. Then Harry unhooked my bra and let it fall on the floor. When his fingers touched my bare skin, I almost came unglued. But I just continued to stare at his face, the look of desire written on it. He slid his hands down the sides of my body to my hips, grabbing the edges of my lace thong and pulling it down. Again, I stepped out of it, never taking my gaze off of him.

Harry then took hold of my hands, guiding me to the bed. He laid me down, covering my body with his. So many things were running through my mind, but I couldn't focus on any one thought except that my insides were trembling, waiting for him to enter. The anticipation lingered as Harry lowered his head to my chest, gently licking one nipple, then the other. I felt my toes curl, my hips grinding against him. As though he was reading my mind, he let his fingers touch my wetness, sending a shock through me.

"Oh God, Harry," I moaned, pulling on his hair.

Harry let out a small sound too, lifting his body above me. He stared into my eyes as he grabbed my thighs, opening them and entering me with a gentle thrust. Every nerve and fiber within me was sensitive, and I continued to shake. Even my breaths were quickened. I felt like I might break at any second.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked with concern.

I nodded. "Yes," I replied, swallowing hard.

"You're trembling, love."

"I know."

"Do you want to stop?"

"No way," I breathed.

I ran my hands down his chest and around his waist, letting him know I was far from finished. I pulled him deeper into me, and he closed his eyes and let out a rough moan. Steadily we began to rock.

"Oh, Tisa," Harry cried. "You feel so good."

He felt incredible as well. I wrapped my legs around him and he moaned louder. With his hands on either side of my head, he began to pump harder and faster. He called out my name again as he came. I loosened my grip on him and he collapsed beside me.

Both of us still breathing hard, I looked at him in the dim light. He was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, like an angel. But the moment only lasted exactly that, as he then slid his body down until his face reached my stomach. He kissed it tenderly, making his way down between my legs. He cupped my rear end and lifted it slightly, taking me into his mouth.

I was trembling again, but in a very good way. The boy was talented with his tongue. It didn't take long before he had me calling his name, leaving me satisfied and blushing.

We laid together in silence for a few minutes. Although I was still bathing in the afterglow, I couldn't deny that my brain was telling me what I'd done was wrong. The sex was amazing. Harry was amazing. But I'd committed...no, I couldn't even say it in my head.

"I'd been wanting to do that since the day we met," Harry said, breaking the silence and my thoughts.

I smiled at the ceiling. Then I turned my head toward him. "Since the first day in History class, or the second day in Sociology?"

"Well..." he hesitated. "The second day. Once I actually spoke to you and got your name. That first day I just kept stealing glances, wondering what to say to you."

"Really?" I rolled over onto my side. Harry began lightly stroking my arm.

"Yes. But then you left before I could approach you. I was so thrilled that I ran into you the next day."

I grinned as he took my hand, kissing my fingers. "It was like it was meant to be."

My smile faded as I was jerked back into reality.

"I know, I know..." Harry said. "You don't have to say it. I know what the truth is."

"Harry..." I started, but he stopped me, placing his finger over my lips.

"Shhh," he whispered. Then he kissed me softly, making my head swim. "I wish you could stay the night."

"Me too," I sighed. Oh how I wished. "I should probably get going."

Harry nodded and sat up, handing me my clothes. Once he slipped into his jeans, he walked into the living room and returned with my shirt and shoes.

"Thanks," I murmured. I felt like I was on the verge of tears, though I wasn't quite sure why. I finished getting dressed and gathered up my books and backpack, then Harry walked me to the door.

"Drive safely," he said. It sounded so formal, though I knew he meant more.

"Okay." I couldn't look at him right then. I bit my lip to keep from crying.

"Right, I'll give you call tomorrow, then."

I nodded my head. "Sounds good."

"Goodnight, Tisa." He lowered his mouth onto mine and kissed me sweetly.

I smiled. "'Night, Harry." I gave a friendly wave goodbye and stepped outside. Harry stood on the threshold watching me walk to my car. When I opened the door and tossed my backpack inside, I looked back at him. He was so sexy leaning against the door frame shirtless, an alluring grin on his face. I giggled and blew him a kiss which he pretended to catch.

It wasn't until I was out of the parking lot and driving down the road that I let the tears fall.

MASTERLIST | KO-FI | FEEDBACK

[chiyoso]

hira hira hira !!! hello !!! i wanted to greet once again a happy birthday (if it's still september first) and i hope you had fun when you were outside! i hope you spent your day happily and filled with gifts and love by the people who adore you <3

*rubs hands and clears throat* i now shall state my purpose of being back here again. please be warned about my idea, i think it's kind of triggering

i just wanna see a brainrot of mine be known by other people, and by that i mean [name] being pathetically in love with scaramouche that she lets herself be trampled over, be ridiculed, be the second choice, be out casted, be hated, be used as a mere plaything, be willingly manipulated, be the one always taking the blame until they just break down in tears, wondering what they did wrong that scaramouche wouldn't even look their way (inspired by what i feel what the song is about — i know you by faye webster)

yes, hira, i am perfectly fine, no need to worry about me :3 yes, hira, i don't mind with this mail not being posted !!! and yes, hira, i won't mind that you'll delete this if this made you uncomfy !! i hope you have a nice day, and always stay safe and happy !!!! mwa :3

JIJI — lovely, what a warm welcome (i just got home a few mins ago)

honestly, you've come to the right place, i love reading and writing dark content — and it may be hard to believe, but the things you mentioned in your idea? my little 15-17 years old self experienced it, not to mentio- i'll give you a small little rant about my ex in the past, perhaps to give you ideas in the process as well! (and yes, you can absolutely discuss things like this with me, i told you lovely, i'm absolutely open minded with anything and i tend to have a level headed/calm and open response, even with a taboo subject) without further ado

TW: HEAVY TOPICS, LONG READ, HIRAETH'S RELATIONSHIP LORE UNDER CUT

here, my naive 15 year old idled about in life with suicidal and depressed tendencies. dull, overworked and exhausted, in result of having to perform in plenty of stages that involved my skills as a musician. don't get me wrong, performing itself was great, taking the center stage with my other young performers, receiving gifts after — all was good in that aspect. but the negative began to seed, based off my desires to love or be enticed with the ideas of love, being cared for, being cherished. a busy life became dull, and the bullying i received from my classmates, teachers standing by — my world had dulled, causing me to drop out ultimately. i wanted to be cared for, a voice kept repeating inside my head. familial love in my eyes heavily differed to the love i craved subconsciously.

unfortunately for me, i was too observant, too keen, too aware. aware of my negative surroundings, growing negativity, my growing desire for love, but the world had continued to fail me continuously at the time, until i had enough, until i grew exhausted to the point where i wanted to — well, dying isnt really the best word, but i just wanted to live another life, i wanted to rest, i wanted to sleep endlessly.

and then.

three days. three days before i took action to cease my life, a game piqued my interest (knights chronicle) i was honestly in total auto mode, decisions weren't 100%, you could say i was mindlessly making decisions, my subconscious protecting me in its own way by distracting me with this "game" i impulsively downloaded.

skipping, i met him.

my ex. i had a persona on of course, to hide my abyss. i was a flirt, i was confident, i was who i write today on my fictions. this sudden persona? i have analyzed myself back then, and i've come to a conclusion that it was a persona manifested by desperation, absolute desperation to — yup, that's right, my rooted, inner desires, to love.

oh, i endeared ppl in that public chat — but i dont genuinely know what the fuck compelled me to my ex, but it was a force even i was unaware of why i felt a pull towards him, i still cant answer that myself. i flirted nonstop towards him specifically, relentless i was, desperate i was, but then it happened, i jokingly plugged in my instagram handle in chat — but he, he fucking remembered it, MESSAGED me, causing to stir hidden, brewing emotions, unaware that this simple, yet impactful act, would be my demise until feb-march of 2023.

oh it was lovely at first, i fell "in love" immediately. (nnh im cringing) and i let him know it, but it was one sided at first. i was heartstruck, lovestruck — no, lovesick. and this feeling dissipated any intention of suiciding. he was my savior, he was a savior in my eyes. shit, i was hopelessly... hopeless. shunning my family out, everyone, even my friends, fuck, and it was still one sided after a few months of friendship with him.

but since he voiced out ever so clearly, that he wasn't ready yet

my feelings wavered of course, and this carnal desire to be loved was immense, so, naturally, the husk of me sought out other attention, and i met someone online (imvu), he was sweet, a connection established, things were good — or... so i thought as i was blocked the next day. i was so desperate, so fucking naive and desperate that i went through his friends list and messaged a random friend. oh i was hopeless, so damn hopeless. but the guy unblocked me momentarily, i sought out closure, he reassured, and then just when i thought things were good again, he blocked me, once more. and our last messages together were "goodnight" to each other.

but this encounter with him?

i voiced this whole thing to my ex, and

at that day, at the same time, he confessed his feelings.

quite the coincidence, is it not?

so in my desperate state of self, i grew to love him as intensely, more than before. and things were good, at least for a few months.

relationships, of course, we had to show our "comfortable sides" eventually, no? and that we did. we were... different, too different, the opposite, fuck i cannot- i do not know where to begin. views, political views, the world, our interests, all was different, he was more difficult than i thought, more different, opening a world of new negativity within me, but guess what, i was still hopelessly and naively in love.

later.

all would come crashing down, one topic led to another, then another, until it became an argument, and he would later reveal that he merely saw this relationship — as a companionship. a companionship. not even a relationship. oh! oh! he stated that he viewed me as a puppy, a dog, and he was a master, CARING for the dog. a "conpanionship." by the way, in later, much later events, we would have multiple arguments about me expressing about the past, and if i bring this shit up, he would go

"not again, grace. i thought we were already done with the past, the past is done and i've already apologized"

"not again..."

"can you.... not bring the word (companionship) up? it traumatizes me grace..."

something along those lines. anyhow.

oh, ill indulge you, the moment he tried to leave me the first time — i begged, begged endlessly, crying, choking sobs, worrying my family. he stayed... because... i don't know? did he want us to work? did he pity me? did he love me? did he- yeah i dont know and ive long forgotten.

much, much later, we would have the worse arguments ever, until the rainbows, the sunshines and the good times were buried with our impactful arguments. i will admit, if we werent arguing, all was... fine. not dull. fine.

but shit, our arguments, i would be like this;

H: "PLEASE please... please... please don't leave me, dont leave me dont leave me dont leave me... please... i just- i just need reassurance... reassurance, its all i need, please...."

two ways, he complies because i need to fucking guide him since he cant come up or initiate his own, or he fucking goes away and gets burnt out and needs to leave the "argument"

i was BEGGING for the bare minimum. just- just if you've seen nat's recent scaramouche fic, our relationship was like that, but much more heavier, much more... i dont know.

RIGHT. AND WHEN I HAD ENOUGH AND WANTED TO LEAVE, HE WOULD FUCKING FOLD. HE WOULD THREATEN TO KILL HIMSELF. ?????????¿???2?!2?2!?21!1?

we broke up many times, and got back together many times. it was a cycle, a cycle of hell that i endured for 5 years. not to mention, HE was the one who brought up not having feelinge for him anymore, HE was the one who said he will change, he will end this cycle.

(i also could send ss in your asks if you wish, i dont really mind)

"grace, you're a hypocrite for wanting revenge!"

"this is so toxic..." (him referring to my expressing and begging for the bare minimum)

"please dont tell me im doing the bare minimum" - him, again

i believe im being biased, but nothing can quell the hidden hatred and anger i've developed from being with him lmao

oh when i initiated the breakup talk (again) this year, he beat me first to it, to utter the words. and you wanna know what he said blatantly?

"yeah i... im just scared of it coming from you"

BEAT ME TO IT BECAUSE HE FEARS THE REALITY OF ME FINALLY BEING DONE

and yes, i do not deny the hardwork, the good times, but it is all buried underneath the fucking trauma he induced lmao, the shitty arguments, the emotional trauma, he was so emotionally unintelligent.

and guess. fucking. what.

he started to do the shit ive begged for AFTER i was finally done with him, which was just a few months ago of our officially, official breakup. playing valorant after expressing not wanting to play it, calling it a trash game, playing genshin now but before he found it so utterly boring, and SO FUCKING ON.

ahem. this is just 12% of the contents in my relationship previously, im just shortcutting things because this reply is getting longer than i thought...

genuinely sorry for the vent lore 😭 but i hope this experience of mine helps you in your writing and especially dolly 🫶

[jesterthebestsir]

To 🎩 anon (you turned off anon and I'm not sure if that was an accident or not),

"Dear jester I loved reading all that you had said, i found it rather interesting and i feel that we have the same way of processing each event, methodically and in order ! The situations are rather chaotic, but sifting through each element has helped me tremendously to sort out everything.

I deeply thank you for sharing all that with me.

Seems i relate to you even more now, i am also very mature for my age (same as you) and have become rather burnt out with my schooling and life just in general. I was in a period of time where I had lost all sense of feeling, as i had spent years and years tied to people and in lots of emotional turmoil. He got me out of a very awful time, showed me what true love and kindness was. Never have i experienced that in my life, nor did i ever want to. But now that i have, i don't ever want to let go. Even though he is turning 20 in 8 days

At first, i was scared. Couldn't tell him about that specific factor of me. Although recently, i did, and i somehow knew that he had already known, yet was still too afraid i'd get left again. Seems like he cant leave me either but i guess thats a little fucked up hahaha im glad you realise the pros and cons with your situation and know that although you're obsessed with her, you know its for the better to be apart. I am yet to learn that hahaah !

I find solace knowing we have had similar experiences, although how unfortunate they are, we will find what works for us and what helps us get better. I hope you dont mind my little rambling haha I love your posts tremendously and i am glad you are doing better!

i guess i should make an anon hmmm :3

-🎩 anon"

TL;DR: Find a way to wean off him

My situation seems to be somewhat different than yours as you're still in contact with him and know much more about him than I do about her, I'm not sure how deep your obsession is with him but I'll give you some things that'll at least help you wean off him:

Highlight his flaws:

For me, my obsession centered around entitlement and objectification; she was only a girl meant to help ME through MY problems and give ME comfort. Any time it seemed like I was doing something for her, it just so happened that my attempt of self-gratification just so happens to benefit her (EX: I want to kidnap you because I don't see you as your person, but something to be owned). The more I took the time to look at how she looked, her misspellings, and her overall demeanor, I stopped seeing her as a concept meant to please me and more as a person, a person I didn't want to date.

Consider your personality:

As I grew up and started to become my own person, I realized that my personality didn't mesh as well with hers; I was easily distracted, easily annoyed, mentally unstable, emotionally dependant, but physically distant, and hypersexual. That didn't go well with how naive, childish, and go with the flow she could be and that didn't sit right with me. What if I yell at her?! What if she's uncomfortable with my advances, how would I react? What if I become too dependant on her?! Would that annoy her?! Write about him:

I didn't write about her too much, but it did help me realize how truly fucked up our one-sided "relationship" was looking back (even just a day later) at my writings that were begging myself to let go of her really made me break those rose colored glasses

Hang out with friends more:

I know it's insanely cliche, but hear me out!

As I hung out with my friend more and talked to her less, I found myself becoming slightly more dependant on them as they were healthier to be around and can keep me from doing stupid stuff like contacting her again.

Indulge in fiction:

Around 2020, I found myself getting deep into a series (that I still love to this day) that kept my attention and slowly took over my brain, almost replacing my affection for her. I found so many characters that acted just like her and a lot of them annoyed me, which I think solidified my first point of only like her as a concept and not a person.

Consider the future:

Ask yourself: a couple years from now, when you're 18 (assuming you're a minor, but if not just imagine yourself older), do you see yourself with him?

Showing him off to your parents?

Doing mundane tasks non-romantic tasks like doing laundry?

What would being with him look like?

Do you want to get married to him? Have kids? Grow old?

How romanized is your future with him? When you look at your future with him do you see an ideal person, an almost god-like being with zero flaws or do you see him?

My answer to half of these questions was,"God no"

Like I said before, I don't know much about your situation; how long you've known him, how long you've talked to him, ect ect. so these might not be helpful, but I, at the very least, want you to distance yourself from him a bit, especially if the age gap is as bad as mine (16/21).

[genericaccount]

sometimes I think I need to pay more attention to what I eat in a day and how that effects ADHD medication and overall mood-emotion-feeling

I haven't eaten at all today which is terrible, I know, but I kept forgetting or telling myself I had to do X, Y, Z first or I had to be up/dressed/teeth brushed first or I would realize I'd waited too long then wanted to have lunch instead of breakfast but then tell myself it would be better to have lunch at X time or after X task.

I know I'm not avoiding eating (although really bad dry mouth symptom from current mystery illness does put me off food) and I know its not because I'm trying to "prove" I don't have to eat/rely on eating (that's a whole other odd past story) but I keep getting stuck in my own bad habit cycle? Like I can't break my own rountine (ex. I have to X before Y) which then has gotten me stuck in this "anti-routine" of waking up before 9-9:30 (this is good, this took me a while) but still end up stuck lying in bed, usually on my phone, till 11-12-or almost 2pm

Sure, time blindness doesn't help, but I know how much Better I feel when I have to be somewhere in the morning and it forces me to be up & dress & (ideally) had breakfast and Outside

More than half the time I usually end up wandering around and have these weird little "oh yeah its kinda nice leaving the house" moments that I ignore/forget later (And yeah going outside in the city means spending money which I really should not be doing right now but)

And yet here I am still internally and quietly telling myself that if I just had the "Perfect Morning Rountine" (because of course its all-or-nothing thinking) that everything would fall into place and I'll feel better (Not in the sense it would solve all problems, I'm still anxious about a work meeting and about a uncomfortable possibly ending friendship situation) But that I will feel more me - more human - like when you finally take a shower that you know you should've taken already and how Clean and Scrubbed you feel after in a very good and minituate rebirth kind of way

But I know logically that it doesn't work that way, not with ADHD and chronic illness and a deficient in self confidence and in accidental social semi-isolation. That my psychiatrist is right when she says that the intial steps are important, like with finally establishing a mostly sucessful wake up time and that maybe I need to find a way to comfortably leave the house that doesn't involve showering so I can fix my hair (wave-curl 2b-2c-3a ish that feels much more unmanageable than it used to be). I used to be comfortable with how I looked, and how I looked when I woke up, but now? I feel ugly. I do. I know I'm exagerating this in my mind and my own perception but yesterday I realized: I hadn't taken a picture of myself in almost a year, I now struggle to put outfits together because I've barely left the house since April so I keep wearing "home clothes", I can see how my eyes are more droopy and sad looking (partially assume its related to consistent lack of enough sleep) and that I hate how I look in photos other people take of me because I no longer know how to smile in pictures without thinking I look sad in every picture.

I know I'm not this person, heck I've managed to do/achieve some pretty cool things and I'm about to start a new path for one of them (its not quite what I was hoping for but it should help me get to where I want to be in a year). I used to be so creative, I used to be more interested in writing and art and just creating. I feel like I've slipped into this near-ghost of myself.

I wish I could say its all social media's fault. That I spent and maybe wasted too many hours on doomscrolling in various apps. But though that is true, I know its not the cause. A distraction, maybe. A draw away from creating rather than consuming, sure. I don't simply "blame myself" (though negative thinking sure tries to) but its not that I'm folding in on myself, but I find myself more often slipping into wanting to exist in couch-tv-vegetable state, wanting to simply zone out to a myriad of media.

Maybe this has all been cumalative burn out? I don't know.

But I'm tired of feeling like this, I say for the thousandth time, I want to start moving forward again. I still don't think this is depression, it feels too other and I don't feel like I'm numb or sinking or any of the ways I hear it described. I think I just feel stuck.

I guess I'll see how tomorrow morning goes.

I'm going to go take a shower.

[reading-wanderer]

A Compendium of Magical Artifacts

Chapter 16: Love’s Obsession

Prompt: Thirst

AO3 Link

[You only have to go another page over before finding another familiar name. Well, sort of familiar. Aphrodite was married to Hephaestus in the myths, right?]

Name: Love’s Obsession, Aphrodite’s Fedora [Theres a small note at the side saying, “some of the newer ghosts have taken to calling it the Hat of Unending Thirst.”]

Description: It is a Fedora style hat. The color is mostly black with a darker grey trim ribbon. The only sign of it being something more is a pink heart pinned to the ribbon on the front left.

Known Abilities: It is a “love” charm that Aphrodite uses for her own entertainment. Rather than the usual type that attracts others to you, it magnifies your own feelings for your crush/lover/spouse a hundred fold. Wearers are lovestruck and unable to focus on anything beyond the object of their affection. When combined with Aphrodite’s ability to compel others into attraction to her, she can, and often does, use it as a way to force others to throw themselves at her for her own ego. The wearer cannot remove the item themselves, so they are stuck making fools of themselves until she finally decides to remove it. It is, supposedly, twice as effective on those who have love based Obsessions to the point of overloading them, but they are also immune to her usual compulsion by the nature of their Obsession.

Location: Aphrodite’s Temple in Olympus

Notes: I became aware of this particular item on my first and only visit to Aphrodite’s territory in Olympus. I have been to Olympus several times, mostly while seeking specific items. Just as in the myths, the ghosts that were once the gods of old tend to be rather temperamental and set in their ways. It is best not to spend too long lingering lest you catch attention you don’t want. Unfortunately, I was rather distracted while making my way to Hephaestus’s temple and flew into Aphrodite’s instead.

Given how different their circles of power and taste are, it was not difficult for me to realize that I had gone into the wrong building. I went up to a woman standing to the side and fretting over some flowers and asked if she knew the way to Hephaestus’s area from there since I had apparently gotten lost at some point. She paused, looking rather annoyed and asked if I knew who she was. I didn’t recognize her, but given the number of ghosts I interact with, I apologized, told her I did not, and asked if we had met somewhere.

She got angrier and said that she was Aphrodite and that I was in her temple. Honestly, she was not nearly as pretty as the myths implied. I don’t know why everyone seems so enraptured by her looks. Or rather, I didn’t until I was informed of her ability to compel attraction in others some hours after the events transpired. I apologized again and informed her that I had only passed through before and therefore hadn’t had a chance to see any images of her around. She seemed to calm down at that and invited me to walk with her through the temple. I was not interested, but seeing as my task was not time sensitive and that continuing to be in her bad graces could be bad for my future health or endeavors, I agreed to join her on her walk.

She spent some time showing me around and pointing out, or rather boasting, about all of the paintings and sculptures of her that were strewn across every inch of free space. Honestly, much of the artwork seemed like it was portraying a completely different, more aesthetically pleasing, person, but I kept those comments to myself. She finally circled over to where she was keeping this particular item. It was amongst several other pieces of clothing so I did not think much of it. She was showing off some of the other pieces as gifts from desperate admirers before pulling the hat out and telling me that it would probably look much nicer on me than it did on her. She requested I try it on and, considering I was trying to get back into her good graces, I agreed.

The effects were immediate. As soon as the hat was placed upon my head, all I could think about was my lovely Maddie and the idiot that had taken her from me. When Aphrodite attempted to pull my attention to her, all I was capable of doing was telling her about how I had been unable to locate either Maddie or Jack so far and asking if she knew where they went. I am… Unsure how long I spent talking, only that it was long enough that, when she ripped the hat from my person, she was rather livid.

I was quickly removed from the temple by her followers and told I was not welcome ever again (not something I am unhappy about, mind) and that I would be attacked if I tried. I, being utterly confused at that point, just continued on my way. I did not actually learn about the nature of the item until I asked one of the Acolytes at Hephaestus’s temple about it. Obviously it doesn’t work correctly on hybrids. As much as I would love to explore why that is, studying the item is not worth having to deal with that harpy again. It will just have to remain a mystery I guess.

[“Didn’t work correctly” huh? The item seemed pretty straight forward to you, but whatever lets the author sleep at night you guess. You add the names to your list of things to look up, though without last names you don’t have much hope. The author calling themself a hybrid explains some of the odd phrasing in some of the earlier entries you’d read through and explains why they would be looking for information on hybrids. You wonder if hybrids are common.]

[teafiend]

I came to Beyond Evil with biased eyes, and surprisingly, despite how amazing the show was, from the cast/performances, characters, writing, plot/twists, cinematography/visuals and a few of its OST tracks, those biases were still at work, and the show did not manage to engage my tears and/emotions as anticipated. Besides my personal biases at work, I think the intense plot/twists were quite a bit of a distraction in terms of emotional investment (for me). I was on my metaphorical toes in terms of who could be involved, and was hesitant to pick favourites until at least more than halfway through the show. While the first half was fantastic in its twists, I could enjoy the second half more, when it was much clearer what’s up and it was more about the journey towards the ending.

(A rewatch would likely result in more emotional investment in the characters and show, but am mostly interested in my rare pair fanvids from the show at the moment).

I was watching the final leg of “Nobody Knows” while marathoning BE, and while BE is undoubtedly the superior production and show, I find myself “liking” Nobody more than BE at times. (NK is a great show too but from more “objective lenses”, BE is certainly on a “higher level”). Just goes to show that being able to invest in a favourite character(s) made for a very different viewing experience. And I prefer that NK had more slow, quiet character moments which were not upended by another twist, unlike BE. The pacing for the plot twists in both shows were solid but the turns in BE had more urgency, which made for better suspense and thrills, locking in interest for more. As a thriller/mystery, BE truly aced in the writing and direction, but I simply preferred NK for its periodic small, calm moments.

In a way, I would say BE is similar to “Nirvana in Fire” for me. A magnificent story/production/show with memorable characters, performances and writing, but could only at most engage my mind and a minor part of my heart, not consume it.

Perhaps I felt some of the dramatic scenes in BE were made for the shock/twisty factor, so the “melodrama” felt more forced to me. I know these type of scenes and effect work with many people, just unfortunate that I don’t often derive much emotional poignancy from them. Often, they just felt cheesy. This is less a criticism of the choices taken by the show than an indictment of my own preferences. (Or maybe I just have less tears for shows like these nowadays).

Shows like “Signal” and “When the Camellia Blooms” were major tearjerkers (heavy blues for a period too) for me, while “Missing”, “Nobody Knows” and “Beyond Evil” were quite mid. I expect the shows were also written and produced/shot with certain desirable emotional effects in mind, and certain elements resonated more with me than others, through no fault of the writing, characters and/or performances.

Despite my own feelings - or lack thereof - for these particular shows, there are no doubts that all are fantastic productions worthy of the time spent on them. With regards to BE, while I didn’t “feel” the hype, I certainly did get why it received the praises it did. The storyline, performances/characters etc were quite mind-blowing, and the twist and turns kept me glued to the screen even when I found some of the interactions between the characters a tiny tad tedious.

As for the finale, I definitely enjoyed Nobody’s more than BE because NK gave more time for a satisfactory peace at the end for its main protagonist (and side characters). BE did show a satisfactory “epilogue” of sorts too, but I wished it was a bit longer.

Could not deny that “climatic scenes” don’t work their magic all that much on me nowadays either, but that’s really a me problem. After all, even the much touted climax for “The Guest” (a favourite) did not resonate with me as much as the small, mundane character moments did (which I have rewatched numerous times vs the ending). Most significantly, I suppose, is the much more pronounced bias I have with shows nowadays. Men-fest, their pain/conflicts and “bromance” bore me to no end, unfortunately, and I would venture to say that that was likely the biggest problem with NiF and BE for me, in terms of emotional receptivity. Without that few outstanding - and beloved female characters - in both shows, i.e. Consort Jing and Yoo Jae Yi (and the few others), they would not have managed to engage a part of my heart.

Hence the reason for my “preference” for Nobody Knows. Cha Young Jin has all my love and following her journey of justice and “healing” was satisfying. Yoo Jae Yi (and a lesser extent Oh Ji Hwa) captured my attention and emotions in BE, but they are not the main characters, resulting in little emotional engagement. All the characters in both shows were memorable and fascinating, but you simply love who you love.

All said, Nobody Knows and Beyond Evil were both amazing shows deserving of their accolades, and I was very glad to have completed both (in time to welcome 2023).

(Looking forward to a few days of fangirling and simping over Cha Young Jin and Yoo Jae Yi ❤️‍🔥⭐️)

[lugonzalez94]

Journey down the Yellow Brick Road Part 1

Jan 23

This month I began participating in a 5-week workshop hosted by one of my favorite Bay Area artists, Lindsay Stripling. The workshop is called Yellow Brick Road 2 (YBR2), which is a sequel to the first workshop (YBR1) that I took back in October. Essentially the class is a studio class where Lindsay provides mentorship and a framework for us to not only create a series of paintings but to get a better understanding of what makes us an artist, what makes us unique, what messages we want to convey, and how to bring those to life in a work of art. You can get more info on YBR and the other cool workshops Lindsay offers here.

YBR2: Week 1-2

Unlike YBR1, we kicked off YBR2 with diving into our first paintings pretty quick. To me, this took minimal prep, however I realized that I kinda prepared for this series during YBR1 — I am familiar with my materials, I know what colors make up “my world”, I generally know my artistic voice, I’ve gotten comfortable with diving in and getting paint on paper — so diving into these paintings wasn’t too scary.

For this workshop, I already had a series in mind which centers around community, quality time, and tea. This series was inspired by a piece that I made for the 2021 staff show I participated in while working at Rare Device. The theme for the staff show was “Tiny Moments”, which showcased tiny moments, be they habits, routines, objects of daily use, or unexpected occurrences, during the pandemic that brought us comfort or kept us grounded during a time of big changes. For me, the strawberry teapot I bought during a trip to Placerville, CA served as a very important thing in my life during early 2021 (and even now in 2022).

I wasn’t a tea person until I went to college. Unfortunately my body can only handle 1 cup of coffee, which I always start my days with, so tea became a comforting treat during moments of relaxation or focus. And so, when we walked into the Placerville Hardware Store and stumbled upon the huge display of teapots, I thought to myself my tea game is about to get real. The strawberry teapot immediately caught my eye and instantly brought me joy. It was the best impulsive pandemic purchase I’ve made so far.

Soon after, I developed a daily routine of making myself a cup of tea when winding down my day, during that time in the afternoon where the work day is just about over and the evening is just about to begin. Making tea is such a ritual - you heat up your water, you choose your cup and your tea, then you get your tea set up in your infuser, you let it steep, you pour it into your mug and add sweetener if you like. Finally (at least for me), you post up on your comfy armchair that’s in a perfect little sunny spot in your apartment with your dog and watch the the sun begin to set while people bike or walk on by. The act of making tea became so grounding for me that it became a part of my self-care routine. It calmed my anxiety, helped me slow down, and gave me a moment to spend time by myself without distractions and spend time with my dog. I maintained my sanity during the pandemic because of tea (just like I function day to day because of coffee). That is how the original painting of the strawberry teapot was born.

Since I created the first strawberry teapot painting for the staff show, my mind was buzzing with ideas for a series of teapots. I thought about painting different fruit-shaped teapots. I thought about painting different picnic scenes that included teapots. I thought about painting a series of teacups. And on and on it went. As much as I thought about painting this series and bringing it to life, the less I wanted to actually do it. I wasn’t motivated. Until I started YBR2.

During the first week of YBR2, we spent some time reflecting on previous work and what concepts showed up in our work and how those relate to what we’re currently interested in or excited about painting. While the strawberry teapot brought me joy and helped me appreciate the “small things” or the “small moments” in life, it also represents something to share with others. Although this teapot mainly supported me while I was alone and reminded me of the time I spent with others, it helped me appreciate moments of solitude. I value spending quality time with others and having conversations over food, and that’s something I deeply missed (and still miss) while living in this pandemic. But this time taught me how wonderful moments of solitude can be and how they are just as important as spending time with others. By using watercolor and gouache as texture, I wanted to convey comfort and solitude in this series of paintings.

From there I created a series of thumbnails for my paintings in Procreate, made color mocks, and put pencil to paper to make the underdrawings. To be quite honest, these steps are something that I do not usually incorporate in my practice, but we were encouraged to do them by Lindsay so I thought I’d make an effort and do them. When painting, I usually just go into it without a plan or underdrawing and see where it takes me. I like the freedom of winging things and not having to worry about changing the story as I go. However I was pleasantly surprised how much planning the thumbnails and color mocks helped me with not only getting the paintings started and making significant progress, but also help me feel confident and feel like I know what I’m doing.

But now as I am writing this, I realize I could have included 2 tea cups or mugs or other elements in the paintings that can represent “community” and “connection with others”…guess I’ll save those for my next series (;

Once I drew out and erased the underdrawings, I began to paint.

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I’m not gonna lie, I made great headway with the strawberry and yin yang paintings and was really challenged by the last painting. I think I struggled with getting the third one going and making progress for two reasons:

I had done the other two before as paintings or sketches on Procreate so I already knew what it would look like compared to the third teapot, and

I got a bit sidetracked with answering deeper questions about my art and what kind of artist I want to be (based on some prompts within our worksheets)

This past week we were prompted to think about questions and our artist statement. And although this put me in a bit of a slump, I feel like it came at the perfect time. Some questions that came to mind this week were:

What kind of “things” or “concepts” or “feelings” are these paintings trying to convey? What do I want them to look like? To feel like? What do I value about my art practice? As an artist? Where do I want to go?

I value being honest in my paintings, having freedom of expression and expressing what I mean/feel. I also value sharing art with others. Currently, I think my work conveys these things. But I worry that these values might get lost with my ambitions of becoming an artist who sells their work or may even make art on commission. For now, I really want to make art for art’s sake, for the sake of creating. I feel like I do want to share my art by opening a shop or selling at craft fairs, but I’m worried. Will this feeling get lost with pursuing more? Will my practice become something other than just a practice? While I have some answers drafted, I think I have to sit with the thoughts and feelings I am having a bit more and think about it.

[khloeblair]

Reflection:

I’m tired of being surrounded by creatures whose only interest is controlling me with their minds.

Everything I attempt to create is beautiful, and it gets distorted by the creepy vibrational rapist upstairs.

It is disheartening that I could be reaching so many people and yet have no way of defending myself from something so morally disfigured.

If my goal however is truly to spread light (and I don’t know that it is), I do not think it makes sense to ask for help.

I do not even know how.

I ask nonphys for help sometimes, but I can never be sure if it does me any good.

It’s instinctive, so maybe it does matter.

But I can’t tell for certain since I’ve also asked them to remove me from my body and they haven’t come through yet.

They do seem to help me find things when I cry at them, but how can I know whether they’re there?

I want to spend the rest of my time with Seth, but I still have to be on guard since I’m in such close proximity with a rapist.

Which means even being with Seth has to be kept at a certain level of censored.

It’s funny, I wasn’t expecting pure female nudity in Code Geass, but it seems the male character responsible for it was apologizing to me.

I appreciate it.

I was thinking that complimenting Seth could be hurtful to those who are watching, but what if I could convince others that I was merely showing them something they too had the ability to do?

What if others also spent a little time reminding themselves what they appreciate about someone or something important to them now or in their future?

I can’t say for sure whether this is like scripting.

I sort of let those things write themselves.

I tune to a subject and let my imagination fill in the blanks on autopilot.

Being a good fictional author is quite a challenge.

Not only do you have to completely channel an entire story arc, you have to present it artfully and eloquently.

I’m not quite there myself.

All I have access to is Seth, because I’m not brave enough to tune to all the vibes of Elensaire.

As for Seth, I feel less capable when I’m not aware of his presence.

I know he’s always here, but I’m not always able to feel him because I get distracted.

I keep having nightmares yet keep watching moderately scary shows.

Does the nightmare portion ever stop?

Is existence ever blissful or pleasant outside of letting oneself be compelled?

I keep feeling like I know too much to exist here.

I was hoping that job would come through, I really liked the office and was looking forward to more tasks and new friends.

I have to let that go, I guess.

The chances of someone having wanted to see me in person are probably high, and the person I reached out to hasn’t responded.

I’d like to go in there if that’s still an option, but I am not willing to attack people for something like that.

If that sounds like I don’t want it badly enough, so be it.

I am incapable of using violence to get my way.

It does not make my desires less valid or less important just because I have personal values.

Just because I refuse to hurt others when I recognize what I’m doing ahead of time.

My desire to avoid hurting people is at the core of my being. I cannot separate from it, ever.

Even rap and the promise of one day running the world—or at least its money—can no longer pull me out of that mindset.

It’s too bad that I can’t find a supervisor who is interested in a well-behaved subordinate.

I would think someone in power would want to keep someone on their team who willingly follows directions.

But maybe I’ve got it wrong. Maybe they’d prefer someone strong who they can make a show of breaking down.

In that case, I apologize, because I cannot give that to you.

All I can give you is willingness to do what you ask and to let you know ahead of time if I’m likely to miss a deadline.

Transparency.

[puppygirlsounding]

So it's been over a month now.

I'm pre-typing this. Going to drop this in your dms. I don't expect a response, and I'll take the hint and leave it at this if you don't respond.

I bet you still use your Tumblr, no idea if you still follow me because my list has been bugged for the better part of a decade. So If you saw some of my posts I'll be rehashing some things.

Long story short, Forced myself to be alone and completely lock away my emotions. I got so tired of it all I completely shut shop. Normally this would be the part where I'd admit how stupid and/or careless that was towards myself, my mental well-being, etc.

Except that it worked out somehow.

I still can't believe it myself, but it was like being compressed down into a new state of matter. Hitting rock bottom and realizing there was nowhere else to push the feelings, no one else to blame or use as a distraction. It made me finally come face to face with my self. My true, inner self and not the facade I've kept up for my entire life. A life of repression, anxiety and unmitigated hatred.

I spent 20 years basically trying to be anybody but myself because a handful of shitty people made me think it was a crime to exist. All of what I had been for the entire time you known me has been that pared down, sink water version. Too afraid of their own shadow judging them to be themselves.

And this isn't some "I totally re-invented myself nothing is wrong anymore lmao" level brainrot

I was still myself before, just incredibly neutered, and I chose to be that way for so much longer than I should have.

I still take responsibility for every way I acted and anything I've done

I'm finally able to say all this without it being run through a morass of epic irony or depression

I got to see myself for the first time, and show love inward so I can begin to regrow what was lost

So the past month has been crazy because of it, not hating every day you wake up sure does make time pass differently, it's felt like forever since we stopped talking, to the point I did a double take when looking at our dms

On a short list of notables, I came out to my coworkers as trans/bigender/genderfluid

Still.... Figuring that one out.

But my boss and trans friend coworker know, I have a support network for the first time.

I already naired all the hair off my arms once, and started displaying more femininity, as much as I can for now.

And I've stopped having my meltdowns and panic attacks.

I'm still as sensitive as ever, that is one of the things definitely still a part of me, it's just not being exacerbated by a roiling sea of vitriol tucked underneath the surface anymore.

So yeah, I'm not out here saying I'm some "completely new person" or something like that, but I am an incredibly different version of the Hunter you knew.

Which brings us to the topic at hand, and why despite all this positive change I haven't been able to bring myself to talk.

I'm scared

I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared.

Yes I felt the need to say it four times.

After learning to distance myself, resulting in finding myself. I realized a few days ago why I couldn't reach out to you like I had planned. At first I tricked myself into thinking I was mad. Made you out to be the problem in my head, because I didn't want to acknowledge I was being a coward. Because it hurts to look at flaws carved that deep right after coming out into the sun for the first time.

There are a lot of things that were said between us, I said some awful garbage. You said some things I want to believe we're in good faith, you trying look out for my best interests.

The fact of the matter is though, I lost it and lashed out because I was too afraid to address my real feelings and tell you how much you were hurting me unintentionally.

Doesn't excuse me trying to hurt you, but I'd I don't explain it this way I'll never be able to finish so just hang in there with me please.

So after all that, and the self discovery I was feeling great, cloud nine sublime.

But I still couldn't get over how we left off. Despite not being able to address it.

Because I learned the reason why socializing was so easy for me before was the fact that my love starved brain was primed to leap into the arms of anyone that would give it validation.

Now though, with the ability to self-actualize, love, and support my own mind... The thought of reaching out petrified me.

I'm finally learned how to not be a walking pipe bomb of human emotions after 25 years, but now the exact opposite was the issue.

I put distance between myself and everyone around me because the thought of putting myself back out into the world, and risking the little seedbed I had started was too much to handle.

So I'm telling you now, I'm scared. I'm afraid to even send this, and despite having my anxiety under control now, I'm still mortified about sending you this. Because I don't want to relapse, I don't want to go back. I'm starting over completely from scratch with my social skills almost, even the ones I can still use all have to acclimate to my new perspective.

The one where a potential friendship isn't all upsides, where I have to think about protecting myself first.

I still consider you the closest a person has ever come to really understanding me, and that means more than I could ever illustrate with words.

I've spent my whole life looking for it, and I don't want it to be a pipe dream.

I want you to be a part of my life as long as possible. I don't know if you could ever feel the same, but I'd spend an eternity with you if we could get us figured out.

That's it. Enjoy the novella. I'm going to go drown myself in chores now to try and feel better.