#been super anxious and sure i gave into it a lot today but i ate food even though it was super hard

[safetea]

happy things of the day: the judgies podcast, candy, did a bunch of self care which i only realized afterwards

[pbandjesse]

We are back home now. It was so nice going to see my parents today. It was also a lot of time in the car which made me a bit anxious this evening. But I had a really good day.

I slept alright last night. Though my ear is hurting very bad and I'm going to have to take out my conch hoops. Even though I love how they look because I cannot sleep with it in and now my ear feels bruised from trying. So that woke me up a few times. But I tried my best to get enough rest for our bit day.

When I got up I felt pretty good. I had take a shower at 1130 last night and washed my hair and that made me feel a lot better. My hair felt really good today and I felt very pretty. I love this dress and got lots of compliments on it.

James made us breakfast and had loaded up the car. The construction outside was getting ready to get started again and that was a little annoying. But we would get out of there before it got loud.

James had to run back inside to get their coffee and I ate the omelet they made for me. But we were on the road before 9.

And it was a good drive. Almost no traffic. I worked on my knitting. We listened to Hozier's new album. James clowned on me because I forgot his name and try to describe him by calling him Andrew the sad Irish bog boy. Which is objectify funny. And now how we will refer to him from now on.

It was a good ride even when James made a wrong turn. I was just enjoying being in the car with my husband.

We would arrive at my parents at 11. There had been a little delay but we got there and I was really excited to see my parents.

Hugs all around. And then we just hung out in the living room for a while talking. I gave my parents some little gifts. Some of my birthday beanie babies for their birth months, for my brother too even though we didn't get to see him today. And I gave my dad the blanket I made. I have been trying to keep that secret but I made my 144 square blanket for my dad for his 69th birthday in a few weeks. I really hope he likes it, cause I worked so hard and tried to make it go with his bedroom.

Soon we were heading to a nice lunch at Carlucci's. Dad insisted on driving. Should he be driving without a leg? Who knows. But we did not die and arrived at the restaurant safely.

And it was fun. The people at the restaurant were super nice. I liked the food. The conversation was good. My parents talked about supporting our home buying decisions and I think they were a little impressed that I was actually able to keep numbers in my head for once. My parents are great and made me feel very smart.

It was fun to also just walk James dazzle with sports talk. And we shared a cream brulee which I loved. Soon though we were heading back to the house. Laughing at bad parking and child locks on the door locking me in.

When we got back to the house, and did not die a second time, I made everyone come take a picture with me. The light was so nice and it was tough for dad to stand but I made sure mom and James were holding him up. And I was very happy with the pictures.

After our pictures James worked on getting the camp laundry done while I spent time with mom in the basement taking some camping stuff and then going through a whole bunch of her jewelery. I got to chose a bunch of really neat pieces. Including some fork the 50s and a jade bangle and a few turquoise pieces I love. Just some really neat stuff. I really appreciate my mom sharing these things with me. And telling me stories about it all.

James joined us and chose a few earrings. And finished up the laundry. My parents think I am taking advantage of James. Which I don't think is fair!! James and me are a team!! James just does laundry and I love them for doing it.

Me and mom would sit in the basement and talked for a while. I told her some stuff about camp. Showed her pictures of camp. It was fun.

But soon we had to leave. We would spend a few more minutes talking to dad upstairs. Then it was more hugs. And then we had to go. We wanted to leave around 4 and we did leave a few minutes later then planned. But it would be fine. We would still have to sit in traffic. It was a long ride home.

James made a pit stop at Wawa and then at a rest stop an hour from home. It was a nice drive even if the sun was always in my face. I knit. I played Sudoku, which I just learned how to play this week. And we listened to a very funny podcast and it was fun. Even if traffic was bad I was happy.

When we did finally get home James brought all our stuff inside and I worked on putting stuff away. Mom gave me a new plastic drawer thing and I swapped that with one that wasn't working as well. I moved all my tools in there. And worked on making the space not to overwhelming but it's still bad. I need to make more space but it is hard. I will keep putting effort into making the space less stressful for myself. And just a more workable space.

I would move the living room furniture so I could set up our new tent and see how our mattress fit but it was a little to small. So we will use our big tent in a few weeks. We also would set up both our air mattresses and figured out which on fit in the stand mom gave us. I'm excited to have that now too. Our guests won't have to be on the floor anymore.

James had an interview for their podcast. And once they were done they helped with the tent and beds.

I had a sandwich for dinner. And would hang out with James for a bit. Eventually I took a shower. And have been hanging out in my studio since then. It was a very good day.

I am ready to sleep now. Tomorrow I hope to finish my last lesson plan. And then I have some art I want to do. I hope it's a good day. I hope you all have a great night. I hope you see taking care of yourselves. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[mental-health-advice]

hi! im a freshman in high school, and joined marching band this year. it’s been the most amazing experience of my life and ive already made friends, which i never thought i would be able to do. ive been really lonely for a really long time, with only a few friends who could count on me, but i never felt like i could be truly close with. that all changed with band. i still talk to my old friends and eat lunch with one of them sometimes. but today they ate lunch with my band friends and me and it caused me so much anxiety. i think they are most likely autistic and they dont really talk to anyone except me, im pretty much their only friend. like someone will ask them a question and they’ll just stare at them. i have to talk for them and keep conversations going, which makes my anxiety go crazy. it feels like i have two different worlds- my band world and my old world from middle school. now my old friend is talking about joining band next season and i don’t really want them to. im going to have to go back to being their full time friend and i know they’re going to latch onto me and probably won’t make any friends of their own. my band director is super intense and i know things won’t be good if he tries to talk to them and they just end up staring at him. it feels like my two worlds are colliding. im happy for them for putting themself out there, truly, but i have a lot of anxiety whenever im around them, and more when im with both them and my new friends. i love them but i also love having a new world where im finally happy. this whole thing is making me anxious and i have no idea what to do. i feel like such a shitty person because im their only friend and i feel like im abandoning them. any advice?

Hey there,

It only makes sense that you do not want your two worlds to come together and to form one. It definitely does not make you a bad person though in regards to this so please do try to be kind to yourself and not too hard.

When I was in high school, I was in a similar kind of situation to you in that I had two group of friend groups, my old friends, and then my new friends that I had recently made since starting high school. My new friends gave me a sort of ‘on top of the world’ feeling in that they offered me something different and new that my old friends could not. Yes, I still felt like I had to be loyal to my old friends, but I knew that I also had to think about myself and what made me happy. In your situation though, you feel as though you need to be there still with your old friends and so this must make things that much harder.

I want to reinforce what you said in your Ask though when you mentioned that before joining the marching band you only had a few friends that you felt could ‘count on you’. I think this is really important to bring your attention as I am sure you know; friendship is a two-way thing where it’s only fair that what you give out to others in the friendship is reciprocated. So, I want to ask you, what do you get from your old friends, what do these friendships give to you, not what you give to your old friends, but what do they give to you. The answers to this question may help to show you why you are so much happier with those friends that you have made from the marching band, and so I encourage you to really think about this.

I am not in any way suggesting that you leave your old friends, but it’s important to put yourself first and do what makes you feel happy. It’s not up to you to communicate or that for other people, it’s a skill that we all need to learn and so I am wondering if you could help your old friends with this or at least point them in the right direction to someone who can help them with this, even if it’s a professional like a counsellor who can spend that extra time with them to help them to learn how to better communicate with others and to work with them to make these things a little easier for them with this. Again, this doesn’t make you a bad or shitty person for doing this, you are simply just putting yourself first for a change and trying to implement changes for your old friends to help to lift that burden from yourself.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[mostlybarnes]

I Love You

Summary: The five times you wanted to tell Bucky you loved him and the one time you did.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Mutual pining, idiots in love, friends to lovers, fluff, brief mentions of injuries. Not a single curse word, are you proud of me Steve? 😏

Words: 1,347

Author’s Notes: I’ve had this thing *waves hand at the summary* on my mind the whole heckin’ day and my mind screamed at me to write it. I made this little divider thing, it’s so cute I love it and I’m proud of myself.

My permanent taglist is open, please let me know if I’ve missed you or if you want to join!

Telling someone you loved them was no easy task, especially if the person you wanted to tell was just a friend. How do you tell someone who is your friend that you want to spend the rest of your life with them and that you love them more than life itself?

Well, the first time you wanted to tell Bucky you loved him was when he got back to the compound after a brutal mission that ended up going south and some of his ribs were broken from the fight. You were scared that you would lose him, and you didn’t want to waste time by not telling him of your true feelings.

You gnawed on your lip nervously as you watched him stagger through the hallway with his bionic arm around Steve and his right arm pressing on a bloody wound that seeped through his fingers. Blood dripped down the side of his face and even from the distance you could see he had blood in his hair and dirt under his nails. He looked a mess and the cold look in his eyes made you think twice about dropping a ‘I love you’ bombshell on him right now. Now wasn’t the time, now wasn’t the place.

You let it go for now, allowing Steve to take him to the medical bay to get patched up while you trudged slowly back to your room, hoping and praying Bucky was going to be alright. He was a strong super soldier, of course he was going to be.

The second time you wanted to tell Bucky you loved him was a couple of days after that mission. He was sitting at the dining table alone spooning a mouthful of Cap’n Crunch and reading the newspaper.

“Good mornin’ Buck! How are you?” You greeted him with a warm smile. He looked up from his paper and offered a tight lipped smile in return. His lip was cut from being punched by a hydra agent and he had some deep cuts and bruises over his face and body.

“Hey Y/N! Doing alright doll, injuries are finally healing. How are you?”

How were you, really? Is this the part where you tell him you haven’t slept so much because you’ve been so worried? Does that sound weird? Or is this the part where you tell him what’s on your heart?

“I’m… just a bit tired but doing okay.” You said instead after a few minutes of thinking about what to say. The truth is, you were absolutely terrified of rejection. With other guys, it wouldn’t have mattered so much but Bucky meant the world to you. If you ended up telling him you loved him and he didn’t feel the same way, then everything would be ruined and you know he isn’t the kind of guy that accepts apologies so easily and quickly. The last thing you wanted to do was make things awkward between the two of you.

“You sure? You seem like you have something on your mind there?” He stares back at you with his features softened. Bucky cared and he cared a lot.

You smiled and nodded your head. Only thing on my mind is you, Barnes. “I promise I’m okay, just tired.”

He nodded his head a few times before smiling back at you. “Take a seat.” He motioned to the chair opposite him, “let me get you some breakfast and coffee.”

Like I said, he cared a lot.

The third time you wanted to tell Bucky you loved him was during a trip to the beach with the avengers to take advantage of a free day for everyone and with the sun shining, the temperatures rising, it was just perfect. Tony suggested a relaxing day and this was definitely it. A few hours on the beach seemed to melt any worries and stress you had, and you found yourself smiling and laughing a lot more today.

Bucky was also in a very good mood, he had a constant smile on his face and he was even cracking jokes with Tony and Sam. He was shirtless, not caring if anyone saw his arm and he enjoyed swimming because the water was much cooler against the summer heat.

Bucky was laying next to you with his arms under his head and his ankles crossed over the other as you made sure every inch of his skin was covered in sunscreen. He looked so peaceful, so calm and the words almost spilled out. Almost. Until Tony decided to ruin the moment.

“Hey kid, if you’re done with the sunscreen, can you throw it back to me?” You threw it and Tony caught it easily. When you looked back at Bucky, he was grinning with his sunglasses up on his forehead.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me doll.”

“Of course! Sunburn is no joke, it’s painful because it feels like your body is on fire.”

“Well, good thing we got this huge umbrella over us.” You nodded in agreement and took in the breeze of the warm air as the heat made you feel sleepy.

The fourth time you wanted to tell Bucky you loved him was after his Tinder date stood him up at the restaurant he worked hard to make a reservation for. He came back to the compound looking down and upset. You made him some herbal tea and listened to him without any interruptions.

“I just wish I could find somebody who would love me, ya know? Someone who would love me for who I am.” He sighed, keeping his eyes on the swirling tea.

I love you Buck, you wanted to say so badly. You wanted to let those three words out and break free from the chains.

“I absolutely do understand. You deserve someone who would give you the world.” Bucky looked deep in your eyes, and you felt scared he would see your real meaning behind it. Eyes gave a lot of answers away if you weren’t careful and he was trained to read people like a book. He always knew you were sick before you even became sick. And he knew if you were sad, happy or even anxious and he seemed to know the reasons why behind every emotion. He gulped and nodded, finishing the rest of his drink before bidding you a goodnight. For the first time in a long time, you felt worried and anxious. You felt as if he knew something.

Bucky did know something, he heard the crack in your voice and the way your eyes focused on him as you spoke, as though you were in a daydream. Your eyes gave him the biggest clue and he was thankful for that because he didn’t want to look like an idiot when he asked you out.

Little did you know, Bucky had feelings for you too. You were more than a friend to him and he daydreamed about the future and you were his future. A picket fence house, children, pets. A happy marriage and a happy family. Bucky had plans to ask you out, he just hoped he hadn’t looked at the whole situation wrong.

The sixth time you wanted to tell Bucky you loved him and succeeded was after your first date. He asked you out a few days after everything happened with his failed date. He took you to a quiet restaurant where you wouldn’t be disturbed by the public, you drank wine, listened to the violins in the background and ate dinner.

The flames from the candles illuminated your skin and Bucky became mesmerized by your soft glowing features. You were his dream come true and the moment those words came from your mouth, it had felt like the whole world was lifted off your shoulders.

“I love you too, doll. You’re it for me, I don’t want anyone else.” He smiled down at you, bumping your noses together adorably.

“I’m glad to see that, Barnes. I’m afraid to tell you you’re stuck with me.”

“Wouldn’t want it any other way, doll. Till the end of the line.”

Permanent taglist [4/50]: @w-wolfhxrd @team-marvel13 @ripredwing @certainaesthetic

[luminnara]

It’s Been A Long, Long Time | ch 4

Summary:  When HYDRA had their prized asset, the Winter Soldier, they did something no one ever thought was possible: they gave super soldier serum to an omega. With the sole purpose of tending to him during his ruts, she spends decades living in HYDRA facilities, denied her humanity and her life. Now, years later, Bucky Barnes has his mind and his own life back...and the last thing he ever expects is to see a familiar omega again. Bucky/OC, a little angsty but mostly smutty/fluffy/romantic!

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five

Taglist:  @kyrah-williams @oceanmermaidwitch @shawnie--jo @super-cape @ferxaniti @namjoonwatcheshentai @fandomsstolemylife00 @youngblood199456 @nightlygiggless @darlingely

Amoretta swam in and out of sleep. Whenever she surfaced, she saw bright lights and strange faces, and, assuming that she was in a HYDRA lab, she decided it was better if she just kept on dreaming. After a while, though, she couldn’t manage it anymore, and she finally woke up enough to actually take in her surroundings.

She was in a hospital bed, and...a gown? She couldn’t remember the last time she had been given clothing. When she tried to move, she found that her arms ached, and she had an IV sticking out of her. Okay, so wherever she was, they were trying to take care of her. Maybe. That seemed like a good sign. 

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” a man’s voice said. “How’re you feeling?”

A figure came into view, blurry at first, and as he got closer she was able to get him in focus. Amoretta immediately stiffened, feeling threatened by this stranger, but as the scent of omega wafted in, she relaxed slightly. She couldn’t smell any alphas nearby, and that was good. 

Two good signs so far. 

“Wh-who are you?” She asked, her voice wobbly and hoarse. Her throat was so sore that talking was painful. 

“My name is Dr. Bruce Banner.” The man said, reaching towards a nearby table and grabbing a water bottle off of it. “I’m with the Avengers.”

Amoretta frowned. “The...who?”

He came near her slowly, twisting the cap off the bottle and offering it to her. “You’ve probably got a lot of questions. Mind if I ask a couple, though?”

She gave a little shrug as she raised the bottle to her lips. It felt strange to hold, the water tasting...different from what she was used to.

“Can you tell me your name?”

She thought for a moment, brows knitting together. “Subject 1096.”

It was Bruce’s turn to frown. “Did you ever have a...different name?”

After a moment, she nodded, trying to remember. It felt like it was on the tip of her tongue, just out of reach. Had it really been so long since she had gotten to say it?

“We can come back to that one.” Bruce said gently. “Do you know what year it is?”

She thought for a moment. “19...1986.”

The doctor pulled off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose and mumbling something along the lines of “Christ, not another one…”

She got the feeling that she was off by a few years. 

“Well, Ten...is it alright if I call you that?”

She shrugged.

“...alright. Ten, it seems like you were cryogenically frozen for a few decades.”

“...decades?”

He nodded. “Your body seems to have handled it well, though.”

“Did I puke?” She asked, wrinkling her nose.

“Not that I saw.” He chuckled. 

Well, that was a little surprising. She had a tendency to vomit after being wrenched out of unnaturally cold naps. “Where am I?”

“You’re in my lab, at Stark Tower.”

“What continent?”

“North America.”

She made a thoughtful noise. “What month is it?”

“June.”

“So Ursa Major is out?”

Bruce paused. “...well, it’s hard to see with all the light pollution in the city, but...yes, I suppose it should be…”

She let out a sigh. “I miss it.”

Her voice was already sounding tired again, and Bruce was quick to take the water bottle back before it slipped from her hand. 

“You should get some more rest, Ten.” He suggested. “We’ve got plenty of time to get you caught up when you’re feeling more energetic.”

“Mhm.” her eyes fluttered closed. “Doctor?”

“Yes?”

“What city am I in?”

“New York.” He said, looking down at her curiously. “Manhattan, more specifically. Why?”

She smiled a little. “I wanna see...Brooklyn…”

As she drifted off to sleep again, Bruce rubbed his face. Well, that certainly was oddly specific of her to say. It was a good sign that she seemed lucid, though. 

“Captain Rogers is outside, Dr. Banner.” FRIDAY’s AI voice said. 

Bruce met him at the door, making his way out as quietly as possible. Steve looked anxious, standing with his hands on his hips as he waited for news. He hadn’t gotten a chance to find Bucky yet, his friend either working out or sleeping, and all he had managed so far was a quick debriefing and a shower. 

“I ran down as soon as FRIDAY called,” he said. “How is she?”

“Sleeping again. Just missed her.” Bruce said wryly. “Walk with me, I’m starving.” 

Steve fell into step beside him, heading towards the elevators. “Did she say anything?”

“She did. She seemed a bit out of it...couldn’t remember her name, hasn’t been awake since 1986.” He hit the UP button and stood back. “Seemed very interested in constellations, though. And Brooklyn.”

Steve stared at him. “Brooklyn?”

“Told her she was in New York, and the last thing she said before she fell asleep was something about Brooklyn.” Bruce shrugged. “Really interesting thing was her blood tests, though.”

“Blood tests?” Steve asked, stepping into the elevator and waiting for Bruce to join him before the doors closed again. 

“Definitely an omega.” Banner said as they headed up several floors. “Her scent is so muted because they pumped her full of enough suppressants to kill a normal person. Pretty sure that’s why she’s so tired...her body is working overtime trying to process such a high dose. I think it was just pooling in her system while she was in cryo, not really going anywhere, so now her kidneys are doing everything they can to—“

“Banner.” Steve interrupted before he had to listen to an entire scientific explanation. 

“Right. Sorry.” The scientist cleared his throat. “There was something else that I found already. She’s, uh…well, at some point, she was given super soldier serum.” 

Steve froze. “HYDRA gave the serum...to an omega?”

“It’s confusing to me, too,” Bruce put his hands up in defeat. “Thanks to that, though, it’s hard to determine how old she is, or who she is, without her telling us. All I know is that she’s an unmarked omega super soldier with a hell of a dose of heat suppressants to work through.”

“Any idea when she’ll be up again?” Steve asked as the elevator dinged to signal their arrival. 

“Hard to say.” Bruce said, following the alpha out towards the shared kitchen near the common area. 

“I need to get to the bottom of this, Banner. FRIDAY, will you find Bucky? I need you to tell him—“

“Tell him what?” A voice asked. 

Steve smiled in relief. Bucky was there, sitting on the couch with a plate of Alfredo balanced in his metal hand, looking mildly curious about whatever his friend was talking about. 

“Oh, good,” Steve said, approaching him, Banner following behind. “You’re already here.”

“What is it, Stevie?” He asked, an eyebrow raised. 

“Well, as you know, I visited an abandoned HYDRA base today.” 

“I’m aware.”

“And I found...something.”

“...something. What kind of something?”

Steve suddenly wasn’t sure how to describe his discovery. “Well, it’s a...not an it, I mean, I found a…”

“Rogers here brought back an omega test subject.” Bruce interrupted. “She’s down in the lab right now sleeping off some nasty meds.”

Bucky’s posture hadn’t changed, despite how awkward and almost nervous Steve had gotten. He leaned back against the cushions, slurping down a few noodles while he regarded his friend with a mild expression. 

“Alright, so?” He asked. 

“So...I was wondering if you had any idea what HYDRA was doing experimenting on an omega.” Steve said, hands on his hips in a stance that was supposed to say I mean business, so listen to me.

Bucky wasn’t bothered by it. He was the biggest, toughest alpha in the tower, aside from the rare occasions Thor was roughing it down on Midgard with the rest of them. The others could puff up and posture all they wanted at him, but it never had any effect. He was always calm and cool, generally disinterested in their displays. He knew he was stronger, and he didn’t need to prove it, especially not when he didn’t have an omega to fight over. 

He shrugged. “I want exactly privy to all their secrets. I know they kept cells full of omegas around for a while.”

“What did they do with them?” Steve asked.

“Whatever they wanted?” Bucky shook his head. “I really don’t know. If they were experimenting on ‘em, that never concerned me.”

“You’ve gotta know something, Buck.” Steve sounded exasperated. 

“Why do you care so much?” He asked. 

“Because something isn’t adding up.” Steve growled. 

“They gave this omega enough heat suppressants to last a lifetime,” Bruce said. “Her system is all kinds of messed up.”

“Makes sense.” Bucky ate another mouthful. “HYDRA wouldn’t want to deal with hormones going crazy or any unplanned pups.”

Steve stared down at his friend. “Did they let you rut?”

“Stevie, at least take me out to dinner before you start asking about my sex life fifty years ago.” Bucky said dryly. 

Steve just raised an eyebrow.

“...yeah. They did. Think they couldn’t stop my ruts.” He relented. 

“So did they...you know…” Steve trailed off awkwardly. 

“Were you ever given omegas to get you through them?” Bruce asked, proving once again how much more capable of having this conversation he was than Steve. 

Bucky finally had to glance away from them in embarrassment. “Well…yeah. But I, uh...the Soldier, he would just kind of...well, they didn’t really last long, if you uh. Catch my drift.”

Steve paled. 

Bruce gulped. 

“...what? Look, I’m better now, I’m way past that. Besides, I never meant to hurt anyone, I wasn’t myself—“

“This omega is a super soldier.” Bruce said quietly.

Bucky’s face dropped, a flicker of something passing over his face. “...what?”

—

“Finally,” Bruce sighed happily, inhaling the smell of leftover pizza. 

“Bucky, does the number 1096 mean anything to you?” Steve asked. He was sitting in a chair across from his friend, Bruce sitting at the kitchen island while he ate his dinner. 

Bucky shook his head. “Don’t remember any numbers like that. They mostly just called ‘em all omega.”

He was trying to seem cool and collected, but his scent had shifted slightly. Steve could catch just the slightest hint of distress in it, and as he did so, he narrowed his eyes. He may have been separated from Bucky for almost 80 years, but he was still his best friend, and he could tell when he was hiding something. 

“Why would they give the serum to an omega?” Steve asked. 

“Branching out?” Bucky shook his head. “Why do they do anything? They’re HYDRA. They can do whatever they want.”

“So you don’t remember anything about an omega super soldier?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky sniffed defensively. 

“Buck, it’s okay if you do.” Steve growled. “We’re not going to judge you for anything you did. We just want to help her and figure out who she is—“

“Well I don’t know,” Bucky snapped, big fangs bared in a warning. 

Steve responded with a low growl. 

“There’s a lot I don’t remember, or did you forget how many times they wiped my memory?” 

“Seems like you’re hiding something, Buck, and I wanna know what it is.”

“Why do you care? You should just drop it,” Bucky snarled. 

Steve regarded him carefully. Oh yeah. He was definitely hiding something. 

“Hey, hey,” Bruce interrupted from the kitchen, intent on stopping their fight before it could start. “Relax, fellas. Don’t make me get the big guy out to shut you both up.”

Steve backed down. The threat of having the Hulk going after him was enough. Bucky didn’t seem to share the sentiment, though, his lips still pulled back in a blatant display of aggression. It was the first time in a while that Steve had seen him acting so defensively about something, and it was concerning, to say the least. 

“Buck,” he said, voice low with warning. “Are you hiding something?”

Bucky’s nostrils flared angrily and the insinuation that he was keeping secrets, but he managed to reign himself back in, stifling another growl with a loud sigh. 

“I dunno, Steve.” He admitted. “There’s...a lot I don’t remember. If I’m bein’ honest with you, I’m not even sure why I’m feelin’ so worked up about this.”

Steve nodded. It was a relief to hear that Bucky wasn’t acting this way entirely on purpose, at least. 

“You feel okay?” Steve asked. “Not rutting soon, are you?”

“I’m fine, Steve.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.” Bucky snorted. After a moment of silence, he spoke up again. “Is the omega, uh...is she okay?”

“Physically, she doesn’t seem to be too worse for wear,” Bruce said from the kitchen. “The only abnormalities I found in our preliminary blood tests were evidence of the suppressants and the serum. Other than being exhausted and needing to adjust to consciousness again after decades of cryo, she’s fine.”

“Good.” Bucky said, a little too quickly. “I mean...that’s good.”

“She should be awake again by tomorrow. Hopefully, she’ll be up for a longer chat then.” 

“You comfortable talking with her?” Steve asked, looking at Bucky. “It might be good for her to see someone else who used to be connected to HYDRA. Might help her ease into everything.”

Bucky gave a nod, already distracted by thoughts of this omega. Was it possible that the girl he saw in his dreams was real? It was hard for him to know what had actually happened to him and what he had imagined, what with HYDRA wiping his memory whenever they felt like it. Ever since he had gained his mental freedom, though, he had been plagued with nightmares, his sleep always filled with the faces of people he had killed. 

As time went on, they were getting better, but they never really stopped. He just...didn’t always have to deal with the worst ones. Sometimes, he even got to have dreams that were...nice. Sometimes, he dreamt of a familiar scent, one he couldn’t really place and that he could never remember when he woke up. Sometimes, he dreamt of an omega, with long, dark hair, and the prettiest eyes he could ever imagine. He always saw her in flashes, a smile here, a sigh there, and with no idea as to who she was or where she came from, he had chalked it up to his mind trying to give him some relief from the nightmares. It had to be wishful thinking, and nothing more. 

Unless it wasn’t. 

He spent a while chatting with Steve and Bruce before retreating to his apartment. With Tony and Pepper gone for the night, spending it in some fancy hotel so that Stark could give a talk at some expo, and most of the others resting after missions, the tower was quiet. It left Bucky too much time to wander and think, and before he knew it, he was making a detour down to Banner’s lab. 

As soon as the elevator doors opened, he paused. What was he hoping to accomplish, exactly? He didn’t have the kind of clearance that Bruce did. He wouldn’t be able to sneak in, and even if he could, what would he do? Appearing at her bedside would just freak the poor omega out, and that wasn’t the kind of first impression he liked to leave these days. 

He shook his head, pressing the button for his floor and leaning back against the elevator wall. He needed to be patient. Tomorrow, when she woke up, he would be able to see her for himself and decide if his weird dreams had any truth to them. 

Not that he was getting his hopes up. He shouldn’t, after all. He would just set himself up for disappointment. 

Just before the elevator doors slid shut, though, the tiniest, faintest hint of a scent wafted in, and Bucky’s eyes widened. He knew it. He knew that scent, or at least...he used to know it. Somewhere, in a part of his mind that he tried to forget about, he had memories of a peaceful, starry night sky, a hint of pine, and a touch of cinnamon. 

Then, the doors closed, and it was gone again, leaving him confused as the elevator rushed upwards.

[delu-jean]

𝐉𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐲 𝐎𝐫 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲?

(Hawks x fem!/reader) -> Mostly Fluff -> 1.4k 

Synopsis: You and Hawks decide to go out for a date. He’s running a little late, and you’re alone for a bit. You end up meeting a close friend of yours, and Hawks isn’t very pleased.

Notes: Might be a little angsty/sad after hearing about his insecurities? Other than that, I would say this os is kind of fluffy. Hope you like it ^^

It was the day you were looking forward to (since the beginning of the week at least). The day where you and Keigo would finally go out. It’s been at least two months since you last talked to him. He was busy with his job, and you, with university. It saddened you that you both were separated by your choice in career. Him a hero, and you, an accountant. It may have sounded boring compared to his extravagant job, but it was one you found enjoyable. 

Keigo texted you a couple days in advance, saying that he wanted to take you out. Of course you had agreed, and here you were, now at the mall waiting for him to arrive. You both planned to go shopping for a bit, and then watch a movie. Maybe go on a short stroll and part ways after. You made sure to fix up your appearance for once, knowing you might not be able to see him for sometime after. Plus, you wanted to make sure that you could make the best of things with the time given. 

You waited for about ten minutes. Not thinking much about it, you decided to play on your phone, scroll through your socials, and do whatever you could to distract yourself. It worked for a while...until you found yourself looking at your phone for the next hour. You happened to scroll onto a post talking about Keigo at an interview. 

‘I thought he said he was free today…’ you sighed and put your phone away. 

You then got up from your seat. Though he doesn’t stand you up as often as he meets you, it still sucked knowing that you both barely met. This was the first time in two months, would you have to wait another three?...four even? You decided not to think too much about it, after all, you understood and respected Keigo’s schedule. 

‘I guess I’ll get going now-’ 

“L/n?” you looked up to see a very familiar face. 

“Watarou? What are you doing here?” 

“I’m just strolling around haha. I just got back from America, and decided to do a little bit of shopping. You?” 

“Oh...I’m...or rather, I was waiting for my boyfriend. He’s a little late though...so I think I’m going to get going.” 

Watarou took note of your disappointment, and based on what he knew (about you), he thought about what would cheer you up. 

“Hey...if you don’t mind, we should go and get some crepes. My treat.” 

“Really!?”

“Really, like old times.” 

---

Hawks arrived about an hour later. He felt super guilty that he wasn’t able to see you at the time he promised, but duty called when it needed to. He also knew you understood his schedule and was grateful for that. He was very, very thankful for it. Reason being, one thing that Hawks had always been insecure about, was his lifestyle in general. 

He was constantly doing something, whether that be hero work, interviews, promotions, and so much more. That being the case, whenever he tried making relationships work, they’d always end with “why are you so busy?”, “can’t you try to make some time for me?” He tried doing his best, but things would always end because of that. But when he met you, things had changed. 

Although he was a little reluctant, and it took a while to convince him, he ultimately knew you were someone who did respect his time. So because of that, he made sure to make your sessions special, to show the appreciation he had for you. Because of this, he always made sure to be on time. Rushing out of his work so he could sprint to you. So when he was late, he’d feel horrible for making you wait, secretly having thoughts about traumatic past experiences. 

“Where is she?” 

He tried calling only to realize your phone had died, it immediately sent him to voicemail. He was getting anxious at this point, maybe you went home? But then, you would’ve had a charger?...maybe it broke? He then looked around catching a glimpse of your hair...and what seemed to be like...another person. 

He started to stride towards you. Just who exactly were you with? He then gazed as the two of you ate crepes together. You seemed to be enjoying your time with him while you both conversed. Hawks on the other hand, was not. Though he was fine with you having friends...your interaction seemed to be a little “too friendly.” He continued to watch from behind, and saw as he then slid something over. 

“What’s this?”

“It’s a bracelet...do you like it?”

“It looks gorgeous!” you looked in awe as the gentlemen smiled. 

“I’m glad you do. I’ve been trying to get the right gift for a while now.” 

“Who wouldn’t like it? I can tell you put a lot of effort into it,” he then put his hand on the box as you continued eating your crepes. 

Hawks had seen enough. To see someone give you that type of attention, whether he was a friend or not, didn’t sit right with him. Not only that, but it really hurt seeing someone else was treating you better than him (in his eyes at least). Regardless of who he was, Keigo was your boyfriend, and that being the case, should’ve been trying harder. 

He then approached the both of you, and gave a cold stare to Watarou. Watarou seemed a little uneasy with the exchange, while you were thrilled to see Hawks. You got up and wrapped your arms around his torso, hugging him tightly as his hands stood at his side. 

“Keigo! You’re here!’ 

“Were you having fun?...” he said, agitated as you then realized what was going on. 

“Oh Keigo...I never knew you’d get jealous over something like this.” 

“What!? What do you mean!?”

“Watarou, this is Keigo. Keigo, Watarou.” 

“Nice to meet you man,” Watarou said as he gave his hand. 

“Yeah...same here…” Hawks said while feeling uncertain. 

“Watarou was just helping me kill time, it’s been a while since we last got together, so we took advantage of it while you finished your duties.”

‘So they’ve known each other for a while.’ 

“Yeah...I hope you don’t mind. I took her for crepes and we talked for a bit.” 

“What about the bracelet?” Keigo would ask bluntly as he then said: 

“Oh, I was asking for Y/n’s opinion. I’m gifting it to my sister, and since they have similar taste, I wanted her input on things. I’m glad they’re good.” 

“Ahh...I see.” 

“Well, I’m going to head out. I’ll see you both sometime, I have about two weeks left? So see you then!” 

“Bye Watarou!” you waved as he exited the mall. 

Keigo then realised as to why he was so irritated. It wasn’t that you had done wrong, no, he trusted that you were loyal. It was that his insecurities got the best of him, which threw him off. He was upset that such feelings got him acting so petty, especially towards someone who had done nothing wrong. Knowing this, he knew what he needed to do. He sighed to then look you in the eye. You still a little confused, he then apologized, saying: 

“Dove...I’m sorry…” 

“Sorry for what?”  

“It’s just that...I was so caught up in my insecurities...that I assumed you were doing wrong…”

“Oh…” you weren’t going to lie, you were a little disappointed. Why would he even think that, after all your time together?...but then, you also understood his past and whatnot. Still, it bothered you to say the least. 

“I’m sorry for that...along with not showing up on time. I tried my best to come, but I guess, Watarou beat me to it haha. Not in a bad way of course, I’m just grateful you had some company while I was on my way.” 

“I guess so, but Keigo.” 

“Hm?” 

“You know, you won’t ever have to worry about that kind of thing. Even though I'm a little hurt by your assumption, I get why and will let it slide for this time,” he smiled and then grabbed your hand. 

“Mhm, love you,” he pecked your cheek as your hands intertwined. 

“Silly, I’d only fall for your chicken-like charms.” 

“Aww, why not my Hawkish charms? Sharp, daring, handsome?” he winked as you shook your head. 

“Because a chicken is vulnerable, soft, cute, and gives me loads of egg,” you then stared at his wallet as he rolled his eyes (playfully). 

“Okay okay fine, let’s go catch that movie,” he sighed as you laughed. 

“Sounds good to me!” 

[ithinkweallsing]

Promise

Remus Lupin x Fem Reader

Warning- mild depiction of violence/ blood 

A little angsty with a super fluffy ending, hurt/comfort 

WC- 3.1K 

A/N- Let me know what you think! Huge thank you to @newa0810 for editing this and Spilled Beans! 

__

He was still gone. He should have been back by now.

What was taking him so long? Why was he not back yet? Oh god, what if he had gotten ambushed by Death Eaters?

Your thoughts raced as you anxiously paced the worn floorboards of your little apartment. Remus had been gone for weeks and you hadn’t heard anything. Of course, you couldn’t expect to hear anything from him, but you were still stressed.

You remembered what he said to you that night at Grimmauld Place when he had left for the mission. He had looked tired, but his face was still handsome and peppered with the pale scars that you kissed each night because you had to love them enough for the both of you when he couldn’t. The situation had seemed eerily ominous as you kissed him goodbye. You closed your eyes and pictured the conversation.

“Come home to me in one-piece, ok love?” You told him desperately as the rest of the group was getting ready to leave.

He looked up from his bag and directly into your eyes. “Of course, dear, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Do you promise?” You asked hesitantly.

“I promise on every chocolate bar in Honeydukes that I will be home in one piece for you darling,” He said with confidence.

You let out a strained laugh. “Well, if we’re swearing on Honeydukes chocolate I feel just fine,” you chuckle, momentarily distracted from the fact that he was about to leave for Merlin knows how long. He gave you a small hopeful smile, glad that he could hear your laugh again, if it really is for the last time.

“Do you have enough healing potions?” You asked worriedly, shuffling through your own handbag. “I might have a few extra that you should take-”

He put his hand on yours to cease your searching. “Yes dear, I have plenty, St. Mungos should be investigating your theft of their stores.”

“They can take the loss I’m sure,” You responded with a passive wave of your hand. You had been working at St. Mungos for the past 3 years and the head healer trusted your judgement.

“I lo- I’ll miss you,” He corrected himself, stopping before he could blurt out the words that he had been waiting for the right moment to say for the past two weeks.

You gave him one last tight hug. “I’ll miss you too,” You said into his shoulder. He gripped you tighter for a second before finally releasing and moving out with the rest of the group. Just before the door shut, he caught your eyes again and winked with a small smile. You gave a weak smile in return. Then, the door was shut and he was gone.

That was almost three weeks ago.

You knew you couldn’t be upset, especially with what was going on in the world right now. This stuff was bound to happen. Both of you were often away, leaving the other to worry and fret before eventually coming home to each other. You felt like an idiot, an anxious and stupid, idiot.

What if he never came back and you had never gotten the chance to say the big word to him?

You had of course known that you loved him; you had known for a while, but you were never sure when you were supposed to say it. Everyone always talks about the magic of hearing the love of your life say ‘I love you’ for the first time, but what if you had missed it now because you were too scared to say it to him before he left?

“What if he doesn’t come back?” You asked the empty space in a small voice.

He had never been gone this long, neither of you had. You had not been given any details about the mission for security reasons, the less people that knew the better, but you did know that it was dangerous. It felt different this time; you were used to sleeping next to him with his arms around you, giving you a warm embrace of security and comfort, or wrapping him in your arms to give him comfort after the full moon. You were not used to going without it, without him for this long. He would disappear for a few days around his time of the month, but this was different, there was no assurance that he was ok or that he was even alive.

You had taken to sleeping on the sofa, not that it mattered because you hardly slept anyways. The bags under your eyes were a token from your multiple restless nights, and the fog that had yet to clear from your mind served as a constant reminder of how much you needed him. A fog that only cleared after a Vitamix potion, taken for the sake of your patients at the hospital.

You wandered around your apartment in one of his sweaters, you didn’t live together but you had a fair amount of stuff in the other’s respective house. You had started wearing his sweaters when he was gone, not just on missions but during the full moon too, months ago, you could snuggle up in one and pretend that it was the same as being near him.

Sirius came to check in on you a few times, looking at you with pity and worry. Today was no exception.

“Why are you at my apartment Sirius?” You asked, opening the door with a frown on your face. You were grumpy to have been pulled away from your worrying, even if it was probably for the best that you took a break from pacing.

“Ugh, ‘apartment’,” He mocked in a phony-American accent as he moved past you and inside.

“Sirius, I moved here three years ago! I still say apartment, and aluminum foil and restroom because that’s how I speak and I’m not going to change. Now, do you need something, or did you just come to bug me again?” You snapped, closing the door behind you, and going towards him in the living room.

“Easy love” -he held his hands up in surrender- “I come in peace. I’m just here to check in on you. Moony would want you to take care of yourself while he’s gone. When was the last time you ate a full meal or slept in a bed?” He asked, giving you a once-over.

You shrugged dejectedly and sat down on the couch, staring at the unlit logs in the fireplace. “It doesn’t really matter does it?” You asked in a hopeless tone, your voice raising with your anxiety as you abruptly stood up. “I feel like I can’t focus not knowing he’s ok - I mean what if something happened to him?”

“Woah calm down doll, it’s no use working yourself up over something you can’t do anything about,” Sirius said, guiding you to sit back down on the couch.  

“Ok,” He continued, “I’m not really supposed to share mission details with anyone, but I mean, look at you.”

“Thanks Sirius,” You responded dryly, collapsing into the couch. Then it registered in your brain what he had said.  He had news about Remus? You sat up straighter.

“Alright out with it Pads, tell me what’s going on!” You exclaimed, turning your body fully towards him on the sofa.

“Apparently the mission is going well and they’re almost ready to come home. The last time we got an update, they had just found Dolohov and were preparing to strike.”

“When did you last get an update?” You asked anxiously.

“About 4 hours ago.”

“Are you serious?” You prodded, looking for more information about Remus.

“Well yes love, of course I’m Sirius, but I am a little offended that you don’t remember, especially after all these years,” He responded chuckling at his stupid pun.

You rolled your eyes. “So, when do you think that he’s coming back?” You asked, a new light shining in your eyes.

“I really shouldn’t be telling you this,” He said with a mock look of hurt on his face and a slight laugh. “I mean you didn’t even remember my name after all this time.”

You weren’t in the mood for jokes. “Sirius, please, this is the love of my life, I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him.”

His face dropped and he sat up straighter, fixing you with a searching look. “You really love him, don’t you?” He asked you, hands clasped together, his arms on his knees as he waited for your response.

“With my everything. He is my everything,” you mumbled, embarrassed, with a flush on your cheeks. You were embarrassed because neither of you had actually said the big word yet and the first person you were admitting it to outside your own stream of consciousness was Sirius Black.

Sirius looked at you with an unrecognizable expression on his face before sighing and saying, “Well doll, I’d say he’s pretty crazy about you too.”

You and Remus were fairly open with your affection and your devotion to each other, but hearing it come from Sirius, who had been basically family to Remus for years, meant a lot to you.

“Tell you what, how about you clean yourself up, and we can go to headquarters to wait for them to come back,” he said, standing up. He checked his watch and added, “Which should be pretty soon.”

You quickly stood and raced to the bathroom. You grimaced at yourself in the mirror before hopping into the shower and scrubbing yourself clean. Afterwards, you left the bathroom feeling refreshed and more at peace than you had in a while.

You quickly crossed the small hallway into your room that was basically yours and Remus’ room with how much he stayed over. After throwing on one of Remus’ sweaters and a pair of jeans, you put your hair up and walked out of the bedroom to find Sirius waiting by the door patiently. You slipped your wand into your back pocket and heaved a sigh.

“Let’s go,” you said.  

The two of you left your apartment and quickly walked into the alley behind your building. Sirius grabbed hold of your hand and apparated the both of you to the front door of Grimmauld Place. Once you landed, you let out a deep exhale and tried not to sway on the steps. Sirius looked at you and let go of your hand in favor of grabbing your arm instead to try and steady you.

“Thanks,” you replied, eyes clenched shut and body doubled over, desperately trying not to vomit all over the sidewalk. You hated apparating.

           Sirius ushered you inside gently and you immediately caught sight of Molly Weasley. She rushed over to you, looking at you up and down worriedly.

“Y/n look at you!” She gasped. “When was the last time you ate a proper meal? We’ve just finished up supper here but let me fix you a plate?” she said quickly, leading you to the table to sit down.

“Thank you, Molly. That would be wonderful,” you said gratefully.

You looked around at the table as Molly wandered off to the kitchen to get your food. Arthur was reading the newspaper, Fred and George were entertaining Ginny with an Extendable Ear, and Harry and Hermione were playing some muggle card game which Ron was watching with interest. Sirius sat down next to you as Molly set down two steaming plates with an aroma that made your mouth water. You both started eating and afterwards you felt much better.

“Thank you for the delicious food Molly,” you said as you pull out your wand to do the dishes.

“Oh, it’s not a problem dear,” she responded with a smile. “It looked like you could use it.”

You sat back down once the dishes were done, and Sirius began chatting with Arthur. You tried your best to pay attention to what the conversation was about, but your mind kept slipping back to the fact that Remus was almost home. Your knee bounced under the table and your eyes kept flicking to the door at any noise, hoping to see him walking through.

“Y/n…Y/n?” Arthur asked, and your eyes quickly moved to focus back on the conversation you were still kind of not really paying attention to.

“Oh, I’m so sorry Arthur, what were you saying?” you asked trying to reengage with him and Sirius.

Sirius just laughed and said, “Arthur, don’t bother asking her now, she’s too anxious for Moony’s return.”

You blushed. “I apologize Arthur. I think I’m just a touch distracted right now.”

Arthur just smiled knowingly and turned back to his conversation with Sirius, leaving you to your own thoughts and leg bouncing.

You were planning on telling Remus that you loved him. Him being gone made you think about how important he was to you and you wanted to tell him as soon as possible. Your thoughts clouded with worry, though. What if he doesn’t say it back? What if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do and it’s a huge mistake?

Maybe you should just wait and continue living the same way as before. That was working, it was working well, so why would you try to change that? you asked yourself, drowning in your own thoughts.

Sirius pulled you out of your reverie. “Calm down Y/n. You look like you’re going to combust or something,” he said with a concerned look on his face.

 You just shook your head and offered a small, grim smile. “Sirius what if he doesn’t feel the same way?” you whispered.

He looked at you and scoffed. “Y/n if you can’t see the way Moony looks at you then you must be blind. I have never seen him look at anyone the way that he looks at you,” he responded.

Well, that made you feel better, but before you could say anything, there was a commotion at the door.

You rushed to the sound and saw what you had been waiting to see for the past three weeks: Remus. Although, this wasn’t exactly how you pictured his homecoming.

He was standing in the doorway, supported by someone on either side of him, his body limp and weak. His hair and clothes were a mess and he looked like he was in desperate need of a hot bath, but still, he was there. He was alive.

Your eyes locked and he gave you a faint, weak smile. Without wasting another second, you rushed over to him, but when you reached out to touch his arm you gasped.

Remus’ arm was almost spliced clean off.

You looked on in horror at his mangled arm as he was rushed to one of the sofas by some of the others. Snapping out of your reverie, you immediately pulled out your wand and made your way to his side as others surrounded the sofa. You started muttering a healing spell and gave a silent sigh of relief as you saw his flesh starting to knit back together and mend. Molly Weasley handed you a bottle of dittany and after Remus’ arm was no longer in danger of falling off, you quickly unstopped the bottle of dittany and dripped it onto his arm, watching as the last traces of the, once horrific, wound disappeared. You looked up from his arm to him staring intently at you, with a soft smile on his face.

You quickly closed the bottle and performed a quick cleaning spell to remove the bloodstains from Remus’ clothes and the sofa.

He looked at you, that soft smile still on his face, and you reached out to gently brush away the hair that had fallen into his face.

“I missed you, y/n,” Remus said, softly.

“I missed you too, so much,” you responded, taking the hand on his non-injured arm into your own, squeezing softly. “How are you feeling Rem, do you want anything for the pain?” You asked, not confident that your healing was sufficient for him to be completely painless even after the reparation.

“No, it feels good as new y/n. Perks of dating a healer, I guess,” he said with a grin.

You rolled your eyes and took a moment to look at him. He looked tired, but he was looking at you with an expression that you couldn’t find words for.

Breaking eye contact, you cleared your throat slightly. “Let’s get you in bed, want to sleep at my place?” you asked, slightly aware of the others in the room.

“Yes, I cannot wait to sleep with you for the next week,” he responded with a smirk.

“Me neither,” you responded, laughing, some of the tension in your body dissipating at his ability to joke around. You stood and helped him up slowly, still worried about his arm, even though he assured you it’s perfectly fine. You both got ready to apparate while Sirius leaned on the wall, watching the two of you together with a slight smirk on his face.

“Glad you’re back safe and sound Moony,” he said. Remus gave him a smile and a nod as you both bade your goodbyes to the rest of the house and quickly apparated to the alley by your apartment.

You made your way into the apartment and dropped your stuff at the door, letting out a tired sigh. Once fully inside, you went to start a hot bath, but Remus stopped you before you could make it to the bathroom and engulfed you into a tight hug. Instinctually, your arms wrapped around his taller frame, holding him to you as you both breathed in each other’s presence. He stepped back and removed himself from your embrace to give you a once-over.

“Y/n are you ok? You look exhausted,” he said, concern lacing his voice.

You looked at him for a minute, just taking in the man before you, the man that you loved with every fiber of your being, and suddenly you couldn’t help yourself.

“I love you!” you blurted out. A hot blush rushed to your cheeks when you realized what you had just said, but you didn’t regret. Not one bit.

He looked at you, eyes widening, then a soft, dopey smile spread across his face.  

“I love you too.”

Your eyes widened at his response, and then you reached on your tiptoes to grab his face and guide it to yours. You kissed, soft, sweet and full of promise.

  Tags- @probably-peeves @snapefiction @newa0810

[desire-tenderness]

𝔹𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕖

{This is a fanfic dreamed and desired. All I write about is my feelings, sensations and desires.  TEXT BY: L.M} Day 1 - Embark on the dazzle. October 9, 2023, Monday. I am exhausted, the recording will begin on Tuesday at 11 am. I think I slept only 3 hours and 20 minutes or I’m just kicking it out loud. This was a very tiring trip I confess. Maybe because it was almost a change of two months and a week. On the bright side, the production has provided a nice apartment for me to live in. My new home is beautiful and comfortable, one block away from Crescent Street, here in Montreal - Canada. Honestly, I can’t believe I’m finally having the opportunity to work with Xavier Dolan, I left my family in Brazil to embark on this dream, I already miss them. I should tell you that I have no idea of the cast that will be on this project, but the script looks fabulous. Before I embarked on this opportunity, I realized a portion of the dream. I and 7 other members of the team dined with Dolan last Thursday, debated the first decupagents and agendas. We had already read the script before the meeting, is it a low-budget experimental drama, and honestly? I lost my breath. I’m not in the position of art director I’ve always dreamed of, but I’m in the position where I have full knowledge and experience. Curious, I am not trembling with nerves, I am completely at peace with this realization. However, very anxious. We’re less than two hours away from reuniting in Saint-Laurent with the cast of "A race by Joseph". [.... ] - Less than two hours later. Okay, I’m about to get my guts out from all the nerves. I’ve heard of some names on the list of actors, including Troye Sivan, Vincent Cassel, and Louise Coldefy. The team is sensational and fucking, Xavier is like a master for me. I need to make these days my best college. I’m at home/rental number six, it’s wonderful. I can see two cars coming through the window, and "God bless me so that Suzanne Clément is in this cast" [Spoiler, I wasn’t, I had to accept], I think I’m going to have an anxiety attack, I need to splash water on my face. I lost count of how many times I filled my hands with water and threw it in my face, I needed to understand that I was really living this moment. I came out of the bathroom apprehensive. Céline handed me a cup of tea mix of Sage, Eucalyptus, Lemon Peel and said "Hey, relax, I’ll see you in the living room.. ah, one more thing, don’t freak out". I feel a chill creeping all over my body as I walk through the door frame. Everyone was waiting for me in the room so we could debate the first two weeks of the recording. I could feel my legs swaying to the point of not having enough sustenance to stand. Timothée Chalamet was sitting on the arm of Dolan’s armchair in silence, reading what would be the 4°page of some document. Quickly he gets up and presents himself squeezing my hand gently. Silence has taken over the environment, I don’t remember my name. [I remembered! ] It was remarkable how difficult he was to pronounce it, it made it all very comical, in seconds we were all laughing. At that time, other cast members performed, but my thoughts were so far away that I don’t know if I missed any important information. [Damn, how many questions are going through my head right now? I don’t even have control over them. Stop! Focus, your future depends on this delivery. ]

[.... ] With the passing of the hours I was reasonably more relaxed and with an unparalleled feeling of gratitude for what was happening to me. We discussed the script, much of it together, the day was very productive. I kept looking at him, he’s so funny and authentic, I feel comfortable now. Obviously we wouldn’t be friends, he wouldn’t notice an assistant director [even though I’m the director’s right-hand man]. The team will be dining with the cast soon, it’s 5:47 pm and I haven’t been able to confirm my presence at this dinner. What’s my problem?! Celine: You’ll go, right? We’ll go home together and unpack. Me: Oh Céli, I don’t think I will. I have a lot to pack, tomorrow starts the recordings and I want to do everything right. Celine: No, you are not going to organize things by yourself. Nor has dinner there in the house, let’s eat please, I’m starving. Think you need to catch up! Me: Relax Celi, I’ll do things in my time, have a wine while I cook something and sleep early. Look, Wednesday we won’t record.. We can go downtown and get a quick look at the city, what do you think? Celine: You’re hopeless. Well, I’ll tell you about it. Arriving at the apartment I opened all the windows, and went to cook thinking about what the following days would be like. I decided then that I should not intensify anything, it could disrupt me at work and I can’t let my impulsive Aryan side get out of hand. I decided to go to the disco and see what the last song the host of the apartment heard. Well, did you start playing Nick Drake’s Pink Moon and honestly? I can’t let the pink moon get me. Fuck, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life, it’s as fascinating as on screens or in photographs. [Stop! Concentrate. ] [...] 00:01 am The wine bottle is 98% empty now. I have not yet fallen asleep and Celine is already in her 8th deepest sleep. I need to sleep. She said that they were so energized, that the team’s relationship is great and that she ate a delicious Poutine, I found it very courageous for those who will spend the whole day recording tomorrow.  [I’m laughing alone while imagining a disaster] I will sleep and tomorrow will be the first day of my life. I swear I was born now and suddenly everything changed. Things will be built from now on. Timothée Chalamet? I hear you’re a good actor, I don’t know you. Good night and see you soon.

Part 2

Day 50 - And I’m probably happy, could it be different? November 27, 2023, Friday. There are times I do not write in this "virtual diary", my days are super busy. Today we finish the work a little earlier, we finish the movie! I think it’s 4:00 now. Right, and why did I come back to write? Well, I wanted to forget the feeling that took me completely 50 days ago. But today something has happened that does not allow me to escape any feeling that exists here. Louise is severely ill, Christ! We’re at the end of the shoot, she’s Timothée’s date, missing four takes of a kiss between them for her last acting scene. Dolan needed two different angles and he didn’t have a voice voice available so suddenly. Louise and I have very similar hair and what I feared went through Dolan’s mind. "Be the Double" he said. Yeah, Chalamet and I kissed today, and, hell, there was no professionalism on my part or for a millisecond, I feel terrible! I felt like I had been thrown out of a plane and I was in a free fall. My heart had never accelerated so much. My fantasy almost made me believe that one of the butterflies in my stomach was coming out of my mouth 1 minute later. Holy shit! [What if it was not reciprocal? Of course it was not, silly! We are friends. ] I’m so pissed about it, I’ll tell them why.

All these days I’ve really become friends with Timothée, can you believe it? I’ve always been very afraid to talk to him because he doesn’t find me interesting enough. But we have an unusual tune. We had a lot of coffee together, a lot of claquettes I hit due to recording mistakes, we went out with the guys several times, even "alone" and that’s okay, we talked about Brazil and he made sure to go there anytime, I even smoked one of his cigarettes, even hating cigarettes. We were talking about how funny Vincent is and how amazing he is, and we were talking about how they were both working for the first time with Xavier Dolan. We laughed at stupid things until the belly hurt and even bet race in the parking lot next to the location. [He won, of course, has huge legs].

One day we were together cutting fruit for the rest of the team on the set as we talked about Georges de La Tour, "That ordinary painter" I said, and he gave a delicious laugh. He’s much simpler than I thought he could be, carries an admirable humility. And I swear, it was fine, because I was fascinated by that friendship and I could feel that it would last for many years. I’ve learned to deal with your stunning beauty. I liked the way he accepted me and had fun with me. He didn’t think I was silly. I was working for a salary and a bright future, and suddenly I felt I had won the lottery until that moment after the kiss. I feel like I’m failing at my resolve. To finish screwing with my mind, Celine told me something that made me much more sensitive about a feeling that, I swear, once again, I had managed to forget. Although I often fantasized that a mood was going on, I knew it was impossible. He definitely sees me as the cool girl makes him laugh and that he can truly trust. Celine: Look. I, for recklessness, overheard Timothée talking to Troye about you. I did not hear enough but I must say that your tone of voice was of pure indignation... Troye said, "She’s the kind of girl you want so much, you feel sorry for". Me: God damn it, did he hate my kiss?! I’m going to die, Celine! Troye clearly should be making fun of the situation. Who am I supposed to show up at Dolan’s tomorrow for dinner? Celine: Calm friend, you are traveling.. I have noticed things and I will not open my mouth. Everything will be fine, seriously.. kiss the chalamet? How can you be angry about that? [laughed] By the way, tomorrow after dinner, I’ve arranged to spend the night at Julie’s, do you want to go? Me: Oh.. I’m not in the mood to hear Julie talk all night about the new vegan recipes, sorry, pal. Celine: Okay.. I won’t bring you nice things. [My phone vibrated. I was reluctant to look, but it could be work.. ] Text Msg Timothée: I hope you’re okay, you seemed strange going away. Want to talk? By the way, you did well in tonight’s performance, you should try harder. Me: Says my angel, how are you? I am well, of course I am. [laughs nervously and it was noticeable] I was just nervous to have to act for Dolan and know that I will see myself on a movie screen, even if at closed angles. By the way, Mr. Chalamet, thank you very much. I have the seal of approval that interests me hahah Msg of text Timothée: I like it. See you tomorrow? Me: Yes, of course, until tomorrow! Msg of text Timothée: [video uploaded]

Part 3

Day 51 - Ecstasy, landscape of the soul. November 29th, 2023, Sunday morning. I don’t know how to write about how last night went.. I was upset, but I remember everything. I won’t be able to keep this journal after that I’ll tell. We were all gathered at Dolan’s house, drinking and laughing a lot, toasting to finish this incredible project. I already felt completely dizzy and with the warm body, things kept spinning in my head, it was so beautiful. He wore a leather jacket over the green sweatshirt, had a golf cap (Odd Future) hanging on one of the pants straps where his belt was, the black jeans almost on his knee and a red vans, and that hair.. that hair! It’s like a restless ocean. I was wishing to walk across the room and kiss him again with all the intensity that belongs to me, he would like it this time. My body was on fire, suddenly I was frozen, it’s coming toward me. I knew I could spoil any conversation by being totally random and awkward, I was dying of shame in advance. Timothée: Are you happy? Me: Sure, congratulations! You did a great job, I’m very proud of all of you. Timothée: Thank you, but none of this would have been the same if you weren’t on the team, right? Me: Right! [Cheers] [Silence] Timothée: What are you thinking right now? Me: Who you are, Where you’re from, don’t care what you Did as long as you love me..[I started singing As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys, really?] Timothée: Oh my God! [He laughed almost for the world to hear]. Are you going to Julie’s with Céline? There’s going to be a vegan class. I’d like a pizza, okay? Me: Look.. I also wanted a pizza instead of vegan food.. But I’m getting dizzy and I think I’m gonna go home and do my drunken show in the shower. Timothée: Ah.. Right, you’re dizzy, but you still know how many fingers you have here? [He did an 8 with his fingers] Me: Yes, of course. I’m fine, man, I’m weak but not that weak. Give me a skateboard there! [I screamed, and they didn’t take me seriously] Timothée: So.. we can go for a coffee to break the alcohol and fill the stomach with a piece of pizza, what do you think? Me: Wooah! Come on, send world pizza! [I couldn’t say no, I was completely taken. ]     We got to what used to be a kind of blinker-light coffee, it had a super-hot vibe. We sat down and made the request, we laughed drunk and said nothing that made sense, I felt our friendship alive again. However, the silence and the exchange of looks came, so we could hear the music that played in the background. It was "And I Love Her" by the Beatles”. Suddenly he began to sing. Timothée: "She gives me Everything and Tenderly. The Kiss my Lover brings, she brings to me and I love her." Me: Yeah.. beautiful music. You sing over and over again better than me. When did you start playing music? [My hands started sweating] Timothée: [he laughed] Are you all right? Me: Timmy. .ah.. I think I’m going home to take another shower, rest and call my family, I don’t know. Timothée: Okay, I’ll accompany you, I can’t let you go back alone so late. Me: You don’t need my angel. I’m a ninja! [I made the shameful gesture of a martial coup and tripped. The truth is I wanted him to insist] Timothée: Without that [laughed] let’s go!

We got to the apartment, he came up with me and put his coat on the couch. I offered him water, am I pathetic? He said he did not want to, but that if possible, he would like to stay. I felt as if we were talking by telepathy, I am not crazy. He feels the same. I said he could stay, even super apprehensive. I took two cigarettes from Kumbaya that I made on Tuesday and shouted from the room "let’s get some air on the balcony while we smoke!?". Upon returning to the room, he had put Cigarettes after sex to play, silently. Nothing but the music. Breaths. Another dose of silence. My body pumped blood with so much speed, [says something] I thought. He touched my right hand and looked at me. Those green eyes made me feel warm inside as never before. I got up the courage to pull him to the balcony that led to the fire escape. The sky was beautiful and the wind touching our faces was like a sky giveaway, I needed that fresh night air. Timothée: Do you need me to say it? I can say it. Me: I know what you’re going to say and I’m terrified. You want me too. Timothée: I want to. You make me feel good. I feel my presence truly when I share a moment with you. "Sometimes I think I’ve felt everything I’m going to feel in my life. And from now on, I won’t feel anything new. " Me: I promise that one day I will feel that everything is right. but it feels so wrong. Man, I feel like I’m living a fanfic, and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and none of this ever happened, or worse, if it’s real, our friendship being compromised by what’s possibly going to happen here. He put his hands on my face, kissed my forehead. Timothée: The heart is not like a box that fills, L. It expands in size, the more you love someone. I’m different from you. It doesn’t make me love you any less. It actually makes me love you more. I want you. Me: Right.. We are here only briefly, and at this moment I want to allow myself joy. I want that, Timothée. And I promise that one day I will feel like everything is fine. He lovingly bowed to touch his lips to mine. Feeling those soft lips against mine, it was almost like an apocalyptic sensation, the world could end right there, would have no problem. We kissed as we entered through the large window of the room, the first pieces of clothing filling the lonely floor of the room. The music Sunsetz conducted our intimate dance. The words "you have to do the right thing, do the right thing" started to disappear from my head.

I feel overflowing out of the body, sensitive, I am under the effect of exaltation, very intense feelings of joy, pleasure, admiration, reverent awe... Timothée. I truly love him. We are lying on the living room floor, apparently wrapped in a curtain that has been disastrously removed. Timothée, his breath is hot, the sound coming out of his mouth shivers my body. We were like the painting of Egon Schiele - Gli Amanti (L'Abbraccio).

Blackout. Light. The voice of an angel reaches my ear. My eyes open. He looked at me in silence, I could smell his mildly sweet citrus smell all over the room. Its aroma stimulates my sensations. Timothée: I’ll make you a cup of coffee. I’ll be careful with the amount of sugar, it’ll be just the way you like it. Keep lying down, angel. Geez, what happens now? I don’t know, he doesn’t know, you don’t know. Anyway, I feel complete.

[volleyball-dontknowher]

Daichi’s first time with an experienced S/O

Words: 1.5k

Warnings: NSFW but like the sweet kind

Style: Headcanons-ish

A/N: I promise I am slowly trucking along on these requests o_O I wrote two today because I missed yesterday, please enjoy bb’s 

\Daichi had no problem with you already having experience, he thought that you were perfect and was happier that you told him instead of lying, but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t worry that somehow he was going to mess it up or be worse than your ex even though Daichi knows that you are completely loyal and love him with your whole heart 

It takes a lot of makeout sessions before Daichi will even get handsy so it takes a whole before you actually do anything more Daichi is super receptive to any feedback you give him so when he sees that you are enjoying, or not enjoying something he keeps track of it all as he quickly learns the ins and outs of your body, he loves how you let out little gasps when he kisses the sweet spot on your neck, or how your hands grip his shirt when his fingers hit the perfect spot inside of you, he is intoxicated by you and the pleasure you give him and share with him 

Before the actual time you and Daichi had done other things before, you gave him a blowjob first and it was so incredibly mindblowing that Daichi didn’t ever think that he could compare with that level of pleasure, but eventually decided to give it a try and had you screaming his name as he ate you out, flicking his tongue back and forth over your clit with such ease it was hardly believable it was his first time

That was a happy and comfortable spot in your relationship but now the two of you were ready to take it a step further, Daichi had been thinking about how your first night together was going to go in his head for a while but one night it just felt right 

You had gone out for a nice dinner as a celebration for one of his accomplishments and the entire night he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you, you looked stunning and every time you made eye contact his heart fluttered

You finished dinner together before going back to your apartment and drinking a glass of wine together at your kitchen table just smiling at each other as you doted over how him and told him how proud you were of him, Daichi couldn’t sit there and only listen, instead, he showered you with compliments right back, smiling at you as his heart filled with love

Daich simile at you for a long time before grabbing your hand and leading you to the bedroom, he was terrified but knew that he wanted to please you in the most intimate way possible because on this night he decided that you were going to be his wife

As he lead you to the bed Daichi could feel his heart pounding in anticipation as the anxiety within him grew, he was about to stop the whole thing when you squeezed his hand and cupped his face with your other hand, “Daichi,” you started, getting a little choked up, “I love you with my whole heart, if you aren’t ready to do this I do not want to force you” 

Daichi swears he could feel you suck all of the worries out of him with every word you spoke, he hadn’t realized that he was holding his breath until you gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and wrapped your arms around his broad chest, his body instantly softening under your touch

“Y/n, love, I’m sure I want to do this,” he mumbles while pressing little kisses to your neck and guiding your body back into the bedroom as he lays you down on the bed and begins pressing the softest kisses to your lips as your hands roamed up and down his back 

As the kisses got more passionate so did your hands, and one by one your clothes were removed until you were both lying there in nothing more than your underwear. You could tell this had Daichi stressed by the way his hands avoided your most intimate parts and his eyes avoided your gaze, and once again you cupped his face, “Daichi, hey, are you okay?” you whisper, hoping he can feel the love in your words, you cared for him a lot and knew that this was a big deal for the both of you. It was your first time together and you both wanted everything to go well, you had to be confident outwardly but internally you were worried as well. You had a lot of thoughts about how this could change your relationship and how much you wanted to keep him by your side forever. Lucky for you, his eyes softened as he snuck a glance into your eyes

“I just, I don’t know Y/n,” he sighed,”I don’t want to disappoint you, or not please you or make you uncomfortable or be weird or-” 

“Daichi Sawamura I love you and nothing is going to change that babe so please stop worrying, I love you for you, not for how you are in bed, you squeeze his face a little bit as you give him a cheeky smile that makes him smile right back at you, this time his smile was genuine instead of worried and anxious.

You two continued your foreplay with some light fingering before Diahci slipped on a condom and slowly sank into you causing you both to let out deep moans as you clawed at his back for stability. You took a moment to catch your breath before Daichi slowly pulled out and pushed himself back into you as he let out praises of your name. His thrusts were slow and controlled as he tried to keep himself from finishing sooner than you. 

On a particularly deep thrust you moaned out Daichi’s name as a chant and he had to stop for a moment to not finish right there, that was the sexiest thing he had ever heard from you and knowing that it was because of him made it even better

Determined to hear you moan his name again Daichi sped up his pace in order to start getting friction between the two of you

You couldn’t help but let out long whines as Daichi increased his pace, and began letting out deep moans of his own you wrapped your legs around his waist as you felt your orgasm approaching

Your moans turned into long needy whines as Daichi hit every spot within you perfectly. Before you knew it you were coming around his length letting out little cries of pleasure. Daichi slowed his pace as he felt your velvet walls squeeze him in in the absolute best ways, you pressed sweet kisses to Daichi’s neck as he chased his own release, it only took a minute before Daichi pulled out and came, panting and moaning as he looked into your eyes, completely in love with the woman below him 

Daichi sat there panting for a moment, overwhelmed with what had just happened before he went silent and just stared at you 

“I love you Y/n Y/L/N,” Daichi finally says after a moment. 

“ I love you too,” you reply instantly. No words were needed to describe how amazing all of that had been, the two of you had chemisty that was sparked so perfectly between the two of you, it was perfect in every way and it only made the bond between the two of you grow stronger. 

You climb out of bed to get Daichi a glass of water and a wet washcloth in order to wipe both him and yourself off but he was never far behind you when you went to grab a  glass of water he reached in front of you and got it for you, watching as you both finished your glasses in seconds, watching you do aftercare and taking care of the both of you, Daichi promised that this would be the last time you ever had to move after sex like that, he watched in awe and learned what you liked and what you didn’t so that he could be the one taking care of you next time 

After you were done washing your face and getting ready for bed Daichi picked you up and carried you bridal style to the bed, placing a kiss on your forehead as he laid you down and wrapped his large arms around your little body completely in love with everything about you 

You ended up falling asleep like that, but Daichi couldn’t sleep he was still stuck replaying the events of tonight as well as mentally listing all of the reasons you would be his perfect wife

The worries that had been holding him back had completely flown out the window as he was you smiling in your sleep as you wrapped your hand around his arm

[crewhonk]

Only Happy Accidents (13)

AN: Second last chapter!!!! How insane is this! Sorry for the late upload, the queue ate the original post rip. Anyways!

Summary: Steve and clan deal with the consequences of YN’s high risk emergency surgery and the birth of Steve’s son, Charlie

Warnings: Surgery complications, mentions of blood, Steve is afraid, Bucky is afraid and he has a little meltdown

“Uneven Odds”— Sleeping at Last / “Everything Changes”— Sara Bareilles / “The Story”— Sara Ramirez

Only Happy Accidents

_________________________

July 5th, one day post birth

Steve sat by the bed, staring. It’s all he could do, honestly. Charlie was asleep in the cradle a foot away (he slept with his mouth as far open as it could go— just like Steve did), and sleep was so far away he couldn’t even think about it. So, he stared.

YN was alive, but the tubes and wires connected to her body and going down her throat made her seem farther away than ever. Her hands were warm, sure, but she wasn’t breathing on her own, so what was the point, really. 

Helen had found him crying over Charlie, and she’d sat down in the chair opposite him and told him that YN’s heart had stopped beating for a while during surgery— something about blood loss, and the lack of oxygen going to her brain for that extended period of time put her ability to wake up or even breathe on her own a slim possibility. Cho had taken him and Charlie down to YN’s room, and the tubes and wires were honest to god worse than the screaming and blood, because at least when she was in that amount of pain, his wife was still alive. Sovereign. 

Steve had immediately asked if he could do something, and after getting his blood tested, found out he wasn’t a match for a blood transfusion— hoping that the enhancements in his blood would help YN heal. Even in all his super-enhanced glory, and with the enhancement created under the best of intentions, Steve still couldn’t save the people he loved the most— no matter what century it was, he couldn’t stop things like this from happening. So, Steve had cried like a damn baby as he held YN’s limp hand, begging and praying and compromising with the universe for her to wake up. 

Charlie was the only thing stopping him from doing something dangerous— the cooing happy baby, unaware of the grief around him was a reminder for Steve that good things still existed. To think that Steve could ever hate something like this— something so good that he’d created made him sick to his stomach. When Steve wasn’t cradling the baby or hovering over the bassinet, he was at YN’s head, pushing the hair away from her face and glaring at the tubes and kissing her cheeks and knuckles. 

Apparently, Bucky Barnes had taken enough pity on him after walking in on him crying for the fifth hour in a row and had pulled Helen aside, asking if he, possibly could get tested. 

He was a match. 

So, that’s how Busy Barnes found himself standing next to his godson and best friend, watching as his own blood— that created and given to him by such evil people for such evil purposes as it saved the lives of the people he cared most about in this world. 

His best friend. 

His godson.

YN Rogers, who had brought so much fullness to everyone she touched— she reminded him so much of Rebecca it tore his heart in half some times. 

And he waited with the Rogers family, holding Charlie when Steve was too distraught to hold him, and leaning into Natasha when he needed the support she gave him. She was taking it hard, too. Not being able to have children herself, and then watching a wonderful, peaceful pregnancy turn into something so traumatic had shaken her to her bones. Her bravery in this made Bucky admire her more than he ever had, and the ring in his pocket burned a hole through his skin down to his bones as more days passed. 

As soon as Helen had injected the blood, her stats had increased gradually— not the dramatic, gasping romantic event he’d half been expecting, but as the hours went on, YN’s cheeks grew flushed with just a little more colour. 

The room remained quiet into the following day. The sun rose slowly on the anxious family, and Steve squinted as the sunlight shone directly in his face. He’d fallen asleep with Charlie sprawled on his chest in the armchair next to YN’s head, and someone had thrown a clean blanket over them, keeping them warm as Charlie was kept in a comfortable snooze agains this fathers heart beat. Steve’s hand cradled the kids bum as he rubbed his back lightly and leaned his head back, shutting his eyes and listening to the constant heart rate beeping from the monitor beside him. She was still alive— that was nice. At some point, Bucky had put Charlie in the basinet so Steve could fall forward onto the bed and just rest his eyes for a few seconds. 

“Steve—” A raspy, chalky, but all too familiar piped up from beside him, and his eyes flashed open as he jolted, almost forgetting the newborn in his arms before hugging him closer and staring at the woman in the bed. 

She didn’t look as if she was awake. Her body hadn’t shifted, and her eyes were still shut peacefully, but the breathing tube was nowhere to be found so either YN was dead and her ghost had come to haunt him or—

“YN?” He whispered, leaning towards the bed and staring hard, begging the Gods again to just stop playing with him. 

“You’re yelling, you know.” She whispered back, cracking her eye open at him. 

“How long have you—“ Steve whimpered, standing and leaning over her, tracing his eyes over her features— she looked good. 

“A few minutes. You looked like shit so I figured you could use the beauty sleep.” She teased and he let out a sound halfway through a cry and laugh before he ducked down and kissed her breathless. He knew she felt just as relieved to have her eyes open by the speed of the heart monitor— it beeped quicker than it had today, and the thought of her alive and well and responding had tears wetting his cheeks. 

“YN, baby. I thought you were— I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do if you didn’t—“ He choked out, tears falling onto her cheeks, which he kissed off quickly. 

“Hey, don’t think about that, okay, baby? I’m alive and— wait, where is my baby?” She cut herself off, suddenly remembering that she was in fact a mother now. Steve smiled and kissed her nose once more, trailing his fingertips over her cheek and lips as he stood up. She kissed his fingertips and he flushed, pulling them away regretfully before turning around to the cradle and scooping a sleeping Charlie into his arms and walking over to his wife. He moved slowly, watching the adoration fill YN’s tired face as Charlie got closer. 

Steve placed him on her chest, and her hand, delicate and hesitant rested on his back as if her touch would shatter him. Charlie stirred only slightly, burrowing his face into YN’s chest and wrapping his tiny fists into the fabric of YN’s hospital gown. 

“This is our son, Charlie.” Steve whispered, throat tight with emotion as YN let out a dry sob. She ran her fingertips over his coned head lightly, the soft downy hair caressing her fingers. 

“Charlie.” YN whispered, tears streaming down her face as she looked down at him. “He looks like you, Steve. And my dad, but there’s a lot of you in him.” She commented and he smiled, hand on her thigh as he stared at the scene in front of him. This— this is the only moment of his life he would ever want to remember. Somehow, despite how scared and angry he had been, everything— everything leading to this moment was worth it. 

“I thought he looked like you. Wait until you see his eyes, baby.” Steve whispered, brushing the back of his knuckle across Charlie’s cheek. 

YN looked up at him, eyes bright and shining and alive and she lips pulled into a tired smile. “Kiss me, Steve Rogers. Please, kiss me.”

And so he did. He sat on the bed next to her, and covered over his little, perfect family and kissed his perfect wife breathless. 

“I love you, YN Rogers. I love you, I love you, I love you and thank you for surviving and coming back to me.” Steve whispered against her lips and she shuddered out a breath. 

“Hey, you married me so you’re stuck with me for life, pal.” YN smiled, kissing him again rubbing her thumb across his cheekbone once she pulled away. He leaned into her touch, turning his face to litter her palm with kisses. The small family was interrupted by a soft knock at the door. 

Steve loved Dr. Cho. He really truly did, and he had all the respect int he world for her, but could he just have an hour without seeing her wearing that stupid damn poker face. There was a polite greeting as she looked over YN’s charts, nodding and humming to herself before she clipped the board back on the bottom of the bed and looked at the Rogers. 

“So, YN, we should likely discuss the surgery.” And with a small nod, Cho continued. Steve shifted to take YN’s hand as she wrapped her free arm around Charlie who made a tiny squeaking noise before smacking his lips and falling back to sleep. 

“So, the surgery was extensive, and did not go without trouble. Your heart stopped for longer than any of us would have liked, and it is because of Mr. Barnes that you’ve recovered so well.” She started and YN looked at her confused. 

“Pardon?”

“Mr. Barnes donated his blood— he was a match for donation, and the serum he had been enhanced with kickstarted your recovery. Without it it’s unlikely you would have woken up with full brain function if you woke up at all.” She said, grimly and YN looked up at Steve quickly, watching him purse his lips and nod. 

“I tried, but we weren’t a match. I couldn’t save you, I’m sorry.” He whispered, coughing when his voice cracked. YN, shocked with the news clutched his hand harder and nodded, turning back to Cho.

“There’s something else, isn’t there.”

“Usually, the placenta carrying the child would be set up higher int he uterus and away from he cervix. However, your own was lower— closer to your cervix, and had adhered to the uterine wall too deeply for it to release properly. Usually, this complication would have been detected in scans, but it was such a microscopic abnormality that we missed it, and during your contractions, your placenta detached too quickly which caused the bleeding and damage.” She said, and YN fell back against the bed. She clutched Charlie closer to her as a comfort and the feeling of his little fists tightening reassured her slightly. 

“So what happens now?” YN whispered, not wanting to look at Steve for fear of him looking disapointed in her. 

“Well, there was so much damage to your uterus that the chances of you becoming pregnant again are low, and if you did the pregnancy would be incredibly high risk. If you’d decided to carry on with the pregnancy, you would likely have to have a cesarian, and depending on the placement of the placenta, the entire uterus would need to come out.” Cho said, trying her best to keep her poker face. 

YN’s chin wobbled at the news and her eyes grew hot as she flicked them up to the room, glaring at the ceiling with everything she had in her. Why would this have happened? Was it because fo the snap? Was it just her body’s inability to deal with things like this? 

Before he let YN fully pull away and retreat into herself, Steve squeezed her hand and called her name. On the third repetition of her name, she looked at Steve and the tears finally fell from he corners of her eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” She whimpered. “I know you wanted a big family but—“

“You stop that right now,” he demanded, voice strong despite the sinking feeling in his heart. “This is not your fault, okay? And I’d rather have a healthy, alive wife and a healthy, loved, spoiled little boy than anything else, okay?” He ducked his head, trying to catch her eyes again. Her beautiful eyes looked up at him again and he cooed, wiping her tears away with his fingers. “And if we decide we want another baby, we can adopt. Maybe we can even get a pet first— cause, you know. That’s something that couples usually do before they get married anyways.” He joked and YN snorted, wiping her eyes and nodding. 

“Maybe a plant.”

“Maybe even a plant.” He confirmed and smiled, kissing her nose and playing his hand on Charlie’s little bum. 

“I would also like to take you out on a date for once. No baby. Just me and you.” He offered and YN smiled, blushing lightly. 

“Yeah, we kinda skipped out on that bit too, huh?” She smiled, and neither Steve nor YN noticed Cho leaving, noticing that her company was no longer wanted in this moment. 

“Like a movie and dinner, and I take you home and kiss you on the doorstep.”

“We live together, Steve.”

“It’s the thought that counts.” He defended. 

“I want flowers.” She said. “And chocolates. I wanna be wooed.” 

Steve sat back and laughed, hand resting over his heart as he looked at her so fondly. “I married you and gave you a baby and you still need to be wooed?”

“No, but I like the way you get flustered when you try to flirt with me.” She wrinkled her nose at him and he rolled his eyes. 

“I do not get flustered.”

“Okay, you big ol’ beefcake DILF. I’ll believe it when I see it.” YN teased, giggling when a blush crept up his neck at the nickname. 

“I am not a DILF.” He hissed, smile on his lips. 

“You’re my DILF.”

_______________

Charlie had latched onto YN’s nipple immediately, and soon enough, the soreness in her breasts diminished exponentially. She sighed and leaned back into the many pillows Steve had brought her once they found out she’d be in this room for the next week and under Cho’s careful eye. It was the first time YN had alone with her son, and frankly, she couldn’t wait to watch this little guy grow up into someone she could love relentlessly. 

He had her eyes. It was simple and plain as the sun— her eyes lived on in Charlie, and seeing the exact mirror of herself in this creation which had lived in her stomach for nine months was nothing like she’d ever felt before. Holding this squirming, cooing little angel in her arms as he fed on her was the most satisfying thing she’d ever felt. She felt productive and accomplished, and peaceful as she ran her fingers over his body. Down his head and cheeks and over his back and bum, poking at his chubby little thighs and counting his toes and fingers over and over again. 

She was scared she wouldn’t feel a maternal surge take over her body once she met Charlie— it was a common thing, apparently. She’d learned about it in the birthing classes she and Steve had gone to, as well as the couples therapy they’d gone to, but it was a weight off her chest to feel this much love for her little guy. 

There was a knock at the door, and YN looked up to see Bucky walk in and upon seeing her breastfeeding averted his eyes. 

“I can come back later if you—“

“Bucky come in.” YN smiled, feeling an incredible warmth of appreciation flood her body at the sight of this man. This man who had given her chances upon chances and who had walked her down the aisle and saved her life— she wouldn’t have anyone else as her sons godfather. 

Bucky nodded, and placed the small bouquet of sunflowers he had brought her on the bedside table and sat in the armchair that Steve had made his home in. His eyes never left Charlie, smiling at him and how well he was feeding. 

“God, he’s a strong little guy huh?” He hummed and YN nodded, looking down at him and sighing. 

“I didn’t think he’d be so small, though. I thought he’d be way bigger considering how big my stomach was.” YN hummed, almost missing the swell of her stomach. She’d shrunk well, but her skin was loose and soft— something she’d have to train down once more with the provided trainers Cho recommended. 

“You did have a huge bump.” He laughed and YN pretended to be offended. There was a period of silence before Bucky spoke again. 

“Did Cho tell you?” He whispered, looking down at his hands and YN nodded. 

“Thank you, Bucky. I know you weren’t the biggest fan of me in the beginning, but that was a very wonderful thing you did.” She responded, feeling regret at her words. No matter how much she praised Bucky and thanked him, he would never know just how damn grateful she was. “You’ve done so much for me these past few months, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you.”

Bucky let a rush of air through his nose and he shook his head. “You take care of Charlie and Steve, and let them take care of you. That’s how you pay me back.” Bucky smiled a closed mouth smile and he went back to picking at his nails. 

“What’s going on, Buck?” YN whispered, reaching towards him. He shook his head and opened his mouth to speak before shutting it again. “Buck, talk to me.”

“It’s just— I was enhanced with HYDRA’s serum. I was only allowed to save your with a serum hat killed so many people and caused so much pain and that’s not fair to you— you deserved so much more than—“

“James Buchanan Barnes you listen to me now and you listen closely.” She said, making her voice strong but remaining quiet as to not disrupt Charlie. “I don’t know how many people have told you this before, but I’m assuming you’ve heard it more than once. You are not the serum in your blood. You are not the things they made you do. You are the man in the stores Steve told me. You are the man who loves science, and space, and technology. You are a man who loves gun and knives and knows to treat them with respect. You are a man who is planning a proposal to the woman who he loves, and you are a man who carries the ring around waiting for the moment you feel she deserves. You are a man who watches. A man who looks out for the people in his life— for Steve, and Sam, and Natasha. You are the man who sacrifices himself for those he loves. That is the man I want to have as my child’s godfather because I believe that man is someone to look up to as a hero and an idol. James Barnes you are one of the most magnificent people I’ve ever had the true honour to meet.”

Bucky looked up, tears making his grey eyes shine, and he grabbed YN’s hand before pressing his head against it and letting out a sob. She let her hand glide through his hair, soothing him to the best of her ability as he cried into her mattress. 

“You are worthy of the love you receive, James.” YN whispered and he nodded into the mattress, coughing out another sob before wiping his nose and eyes and looking at her with soft eyes. 

“I’m sorry I ever doubted you.” He whispered. “Thank you.”

“You’re my family now, it’s my job to tell you how everyone else feels.”

Bucky wiped his face again and sat back, sighing out a choppy breath. It was a while before his head shot up and stared hard at YN. 

“How did you know I was planning that?” He asked, brows furrowed. 

“Steve’s really bad at keeping secrets. You’re better off doing it sooner than later before he lets it slip to Nat.” YN shrugged, smiling as Bucky’s eyes widened and he shot up front he chair, rushing out of the room to find where Natasha and Steve had gone to, fearing that his best friend really was as ditzy as his wife claimed he was. 

________________

July 13th

“We could so make it all the way down this ramp with me on the back of this wheelchair.” Steve joked as he pushed YN through the halls of the compound in her wheelchair, and YN threw her head back and laughed, slightly startling the baby in her arms. 

“Steven Grant we will do no such thing with your child in my arms, do you understand.” YN scolded through her laughs and she could almost feel Steve’s smile behind her. Charlie had grown strong, and his eyes were brighter than ever as he stared up at his parents and listened to their happy sounds. He was swaddled tightly in a thin blanket, and was dressed in the softest light yellow onesie YN had ever felt. YN’s favourite part of the outfit Steve had chosen today, however, was the black and white beanie with cartoon zebras dancing around the rim of it. God, she’d done well. 

“Yes ma’am.” He chortled, and the sliding doors opened in front of them, making YN gasp a large breath of fresh air. In this moment, she made a vow that she would spend more time outside. This past week of indoor solitude was enough to make her insane. She was excited to go home, though— the familiarity of her own home and the welcoming scents of her and Steve was something that made her eager to leave the compound. 

Steve walked up to the range rover and scooped Charlie into his arms, stealing YN of her breath. It was an image she would never get over— the man of her dreams carrying their child and making Charlie look like the smaller thing in the whole wide world. Steve lifted Charlie up to his face and peppered light kisses all over his chubby cheeks, eliciting shrieking giggles from the child. Steve was the one to make Charlie laugh the most, and it made YN slightly jealous. Mostly happy, but what the heck? She carried the kid for nine months, why wasn’t she the favourite parent. 

“Remember to have it tight! But not too tight because—“ YN watched as Steve put Charlie into the car seat, and he looked back at her, glaring slightly in amusement. 

“I know how to strap the kid in, Sweetheart.” He chided and YN pursed her lips, watching Steve’s every move. Steve tucked Charlie into the seat with a blanket and pulled the carseat hood over him, encouraging the kid to take a nap in the car. 

Steve shut the back door and turned to his wife, smiling down at her. Before she could move to stand herself, he curled his arms around her and scooping his arms around her as he lifted her bridal style. She squealed and cliched at him, making him laugh. He continued to hold her with one arm as he opened the passenger side door and placed her on the seat, cupping her face in his large hands and kissing her softly. 

“How about we go home, huh?” He whispered against her lips and smiled and nodded, kissing him again slowly and tasting him. God, YN would never get over how damn lucky she got with him. 

“I would very much love that. Can we stop at McDonalds though? I need to do something that Cho doesn’t approve of for once.” 

______________

 Later that same night, YN came out of the master bathroom wrapped in a towel to find the hottest thing she’d ever seen before. 

Steve was sitting against the headboard shirtless, his slow even breaths telling her that he was asleep. His long eyelashes dusted over his cheeks, and his mouth was wide open, head lolling to the side. His wide shoulders were bare and the dark smattering of brown chest hair made YN’s mouth water. However, the hottest thing about this whole situation was the fact that Charlie was curled up on his chest, mouth open the same way and eyelashes mimicking his fathers. His ear was pressed flat against the left side of Steve’s chest, and had probably been lulled to sleep by the steady beat of Steve’s heart. 

“Fuck.” YN cursed, dashing over to the best of her ability to grab her phone, taking several pictures for reasons. She threw her phone back on the bed and pulled on some underwear and a pad as well as one of Steve’s hoodies— the first time she’d actually managed to fit into one in months. It wasn’t long before she walked over to her boys, sitting next to Steve and using the long hair he’d grown from his eyes. 

He hummed, furrowing his brows and closing him mouth, licking his lips and rolling his head to face YN. He opened his eyes slowly, and blinked in the light from the bedside table. 

“Hey, beautiful.” She murmured and his cheeks darkened slightly. 

“You stealin’ my lines now, Sugar?” He whispered, hands wrapping around Charlies body and hugging him tighter to his chest. 

“They’re good lines.” She replied, wiggling her fingers around Charlie and scooping him to her chest. She stood slowly and bounced her way over to the cradle only two feet from Steve’s side of the bed. She lay him in gently and jumped slightly when Steve hands circled around her waist, hugging her to him as he rested his chin on her shoulder. The two stared down at this creation and swayed. 

“What the hell do we do now?” He snorted and YN giggled, making him kiss her neck and cheek in pure happiness. 

“I have no fucking idea.” She shook her head and reached up behind her, curling her hand into his hair and scratching his scalp almost making him purr in delight. 

“How about we figure it out together, huh?” He replied and YN turned in his arms, wrapping her own around his neck and standing on her tip toes to kiss his chin. He squeezed her upper ribs, careful of her incisions before guiding her to the bed and sitting her on it, cupping her face in his hands before bending over and capturing her lips in his in a heated kiss. 

“We got time, don’t we.” YN mumbled against his mouth as she backed up on the bed, making room for him to crawl on her and cage her between his arms. 

“We have so much time, baby. So much damn time to figure out anything we wanted.” 

“You’re not tired of me yet?”

“Not yet.”

“Shithead.”

“Your favourite shithead.”

“Maybe so.”

_____________-

Tag List (send me an ask, ONLY. must interact with the fic more than a like): yesfanficsaremylife / notyourtypicalrose /  laurxn-robinson / disaster-rose / lille-kattunge / wwecrazed2010 / vxidnik / chewingoffmyfoot/ vitamingrant / captainamericasbeard / chrisgalore / songforhema / mmyepic / multifandommandy / tommyhoe / lostdarksoul6 / crist1216 / taeeemin / jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory / feelmyroarrrr / teller258316 / mrsdeanwinchester19 / qrangr / mariswritingforfun / nerdypinupcrystal / kittycatlover18 / laucontrerasv / printedpeterparker / @dumblani  / @captainomad / eversonaive / rainbowkisses31 / i-think-i-am-adorable / rainbowkisses31 / smalltintedgorl/ geeksareunique / jennmurawski13 / clutteredmind-emptythoughts / venezuelaanklemayonnaise / manuosorioh / stupendousshepherdloverpony

[logical-little-lies]

Discussions and Observations- Agere!Sides AU (pt.34)

a/n: okay so after this chapter there will be a chapter or two focusing around Remus learning about the others littlespaces and such, and that’s all I’m gonna reveal. I have a plan though, that spans over about five chapters that lowkey focus on Remus and Janus, then there is gonna be a whole other hing that I’m SO EXCITED FOR. So, be prepared for that.

Also, give a lot of thought to Janus and Virgil’s discussion in the first part of this chapter...it’ll give you the opportunity to make some predictions about some upcoming plotlines. Specifically Janus mentioning the so called “neutral sides”, and his question about Thomas.....

--

All the sides could admit that everything was soft of hectic and confusing. No, there wasn't anything wrong, exactly, but there was just a lot going on at once. Janus hung out with the core sides during the day, and went back to the dark sides tower at night. Remus was starting to question why he was never told anything about these visits.

Remus might've known about Janus, but Janus wasn't going to out the others on their regression.

Janus was still regretting telling everyone a bit. With Patton he slipped up, with Logan he was just careless, and he wasn't mad at Patton for telling Roman. Patton explained what had happened and he got it. He was just second guessing it, getting the anxious after feeling that they were judging him, even if it made no sense. They didn't push him though. They were pretty open about their littlespaces, but they didn't make him open up about his before he was ready.

No one but Virgil knew his age range, his interests, what he was like while little. He kept it all locked up. Virgil was sure that eventually, he wouldn't be able to repress his regression anymore, and he'd slip casually during a normal day. They'd have to wait and see.

As for Janus meeting the regressed sides, he actually interacted pretty well with them. Little Roman didn't like him a ton, but they did color together. Regressed Logan was curious about his scales, and Janus answered every question he had, and even let him touch that side of his face. The boy was just curious, and Janus was willing to respond to that curiosity. For Patton, he was pretty good at understanding when he wanted something, just based off of noises and motions he made while nonverbal.

So, all in all, thing were going pretty well, it was just a lot at once.

Janus had arrived at in the core side commons pretty early in the day on this particular day. Roman was brainstorming ideas in his room. Little Patton and Logan were taking a nap in the caregiver's room, so Virgil and Janus were left to hang out. "Here," Virgil handed him a buttered piece of toast, a slice of his own in his hand.

"Thank you, your Emo Dorkiness," Janus did a slight mock-bow, as best as he could from his spot sitting on the table. Again, chairs are for the weak.

Virgil chuckled and rolled his eyes, pulling the chair closest to Janus from it spot, and taking a seat. "Okay, I know everyone has been avoiding this topic forever, but when are we gonna tell Remus?" Janus blurted out after a couple long moments of silence.

"I don't know how he'd act around us while regressed, I'm worried he'll be weird." Virgil objected, taking a small bite from his toast.

"After he found my pacifier and I explained everything to him, there were multiple times were he'd stumble upon me while regressed. He'd always, kind of falter and change his attitude. It's not like super caring, or affectionate, but none of his usual weird shenanigans. He'd just ask if I was okay, and if I needed anything, and then leave me alone." Janus offered, shrugging.

"So he's not terrible with littles, he actually has a filter? I guess that's good to know.  I mean, eventually he'll find out, I don't know if we can avoid it. But based off of our theory, we think he'll turn out to be a regressor too," Virgil groaned. "I feel like Little Remus will be a disaster and a half."

"So you're guy's theory is that we all regress, because of Thomas holding onto his inner child or whatever? This includes all the dark and neutral sides?" Janus finished off his toast once completing his statement.

"I don't know about the neutrals. I still don't understand them completely." Virgil had once again, forgotten about the existence of the two neutral sides. Sleep and Empathy, they were originally characters that Thomas created for skits or youtube videos that weren't meant to be sides, but somehow, like the rest of them, they became sides. All you need to be considered a side, or figment of Thomas, is to represent a part of him, or have a job within his mind.

Remy had the job of controlling Thomas's sleep schedule, he was effected by the other sides a lot. Virgil and Remy had conflicts quite a bit, but they hadn't talked in a while. Remy kinda just hung out, in The Vineyard Village, with Emile in their little cottage. The Dark Sides nor the Core Sides really knew them, at all.

Emile was the source of Thomas's empathy, and he also sort of shared the job of inner-child with Patton. Emile wasn't bad, but he wasn't a core side because he wasn't a main part of Thomas's personality. He was just kind of there, and only stepped in when needed, from a distance. He didn't leave the mindscape much.

"Okay, kind of off topic, but if we all really do regress...wouldn't Thomas regress too?" Janus questioned. Janus was asking a question that would matter later on, but at the moment, Virgil didn't know how to respond.

"Maybe? I'm not really sure," Virgil ate the last of his toast, thinking. "We'll find out eventually, I suppose. I don't know if that's how it works-"

"Veevee?" Roman's little voice shocked Virgil. He was just big, working on a project for Thomas and brainstorming, a little bit ago.

"Hello there, you finished your brainstorming?" Virgil spoke softly, opening his arms up and welcoming Roman for a hug.

"Yeah, got ideas for Thomas to make tomorrow! But now I'm bored, playtime?" he tilted his head. Janus gave Virgil a glance that seemed to read 'we'll continue this conversation later'.

Roman switched his mindset quickly, he must have gotten stressed with the work, or he had lacked inspiration. Either way, Virgil and Janus's discussion of the theoretical possibilities of Thomas being a little, along with the possibility of Remus, the neutral sides, and the unknowns also being regressors, was put on hold.

"How about we just watch some cartoons today?" Virgil offered. Roman was apparently not afraid to act out in front of Janus.

"No, wanna play! Color with me!" he stomped his foot, then faltering and giving a apologetic soft look. "Please? Didn't mean to yell, no throwing fits." he shook his head at himself, mimicking what Virgil would've said to him at the end of his statement.

"I'll color with you, honey. Good job on remembering to use your manners," Virgil sighed. Roman was trying his best. Roman reached up to get a hug, which Virgil gave into immediately, snuggling him close before letting him go back to his room to gather coloring books, crayons,colored pencils,markers, and stickers. Basically all the art supplies needed to create a masterpiece, in the mind of a five year old, at least.

"You guys all just regress, whenever you want to?" Janus seemed a little jealous.

"Basically. I mean, if we have work we prioritize it. But Roman brainstormed some things, which is all he needed to do. I thought you said Remus didn't really care, doesn't that mean you could regress whenever, too?"

"It's still scary, though." Janus looked down, swinging his feet a bit.

"When was the last time you regressed?" Virgil asked in curiosity, causing Janus's head to shoot up.

"Uh...when you came to the tower after Easter," Janus admitted. He knew Virgil was probably gonna tell him is was bad to repress his headspace for that long, because there was no way he just didn't regress for that long. He had been pushing down his littlespace.

"You know, you don't have to be scared with us. We won't judge you, and I can take care of you," Virgil assured, Janus going silent and looking back down at his feet. He swung them again, in a childlike way.

"I know. I just...it's hard to open up, and be the vulnerable and cutesy in front of everyone. I know it's not bad to act like that, and that it helps me and I shouldn't prevent myself from using that coping skill. But it's still hard to let myself be like that, because you guys know me as this evil snake side-"

"Janus."  Virgil cut him off in a stern voice, "Just in the past weeks alone, you've show all of us that you're much more than that. You're caring, understanding, and dorky. And I have a feeling that the other core sides will like Little Janus, too." Virgil gave a soft smile.

Janus gave a thankful hum, "You think so?" he tilted his head. Virgil nodded.

Janus knew he was very close to letting himself slip in that moment. He didn't, he pulled himself out of the foggy-childlike headspace and allowed himself to focus on other things, but he did take Virgil's reassuring words to heart. Okay, yeah, he was still anxious about the whole thing, but maybe he'd let himself regress in front of the others soon.

Maybe.

Janus was snapped out of his thoughts when Virgil spoke in a very confused tone. "Remus? What are you- Go away!" Virgil shouted at him, exiting the kitchen and entering the commons where Remus popped up.

"I'm not here to do any harm! Everyone is here, and running around the imagination on my own is getting boring...I was gonna ask Roman if he wanted to resume our adventure plot.." Remus seemed to be telling the truth. He just didn't wanna be alone, and being with his brother sounded nice.

Of course, to add to the confusion, this is when Roman walked out of the hall where the bedrooms were, holding his stack of childish art supplies. Virgil seemed to have calmed down, but Roman looked so confused and scared in that moment. Roman took a second to process the situation before making a snapping motion and making the art supplies disappear. He was now wearing his usual prince attire, with a different posture.

Compared to the others, Roman was the best at pulling himself out of his headspace on command. He didn't like to, and it was difficult to remain out of his littlespace after forcing himself out of it, but it was something he could do if needed.

"What's going on out here? Patton and I just got up and you guys talk loud- Oh!" Logan had exited his room, holding the deeply regressed Patton, who was obviously still waking up and slightly sleepy. Logan looked at Remus, not knowing what to do.

Patton buried his head in Logan's chest, trying to avoid the whole situation. "Wait," Remus looked between Roman, then Janus, and then Patton. He seemed to be thinking.

"Oh, oh!  I got it! Patton and Roman are regressors, like Janus!" he seemed proud of himself for coming to that conclusion. "Oh, I'm sorry! Was I not supposed to know?" he looked between the others, who were all in silence.

"Not really. But, if you already knew about Janus, I-i guess it doesn't matter." Even Logan seemed to be confused. It was just bad timing on everyone's part. But also, no one expected Remus to react so calmly.

"I guess it explains why Roman is randomly unavailable, and why Janus always seems to be leaving parts out when he tells me about his visits here." Remus shocked Logan with how he logically put things together, and Roman just seemed relieved that he was accepting. Patton had lifted his head.

"Yeah, but about the adventure thing, I can go! I'm not in my headspace anymore, and it'll give me a chance to explain everything to you, yeah?" Roman offered.

"Isn't it like, not good to pull yourself out of your headspace forcefully, if you can avoid it? I'm not completely sure on that, but I feel like that's a thing..." Remus looked at Janus, looking back to Roman, who shrugged.

"I already pulled myself out, so I might as well just go with you."

"Wait, where did you learn about that? The effects of repressing regression?" Logan questioned.

"Janus, mostly. I found out about him, and we talked a few times about it," Remus shrugged, seemingly careless about the whole situation. "Wait, is it just the three of them? Or are you and Virgil littles too?"

They had a lot to explain to him.  

[taetaesbaebaepsae]

Villainous

A/n: This is a commission that spiraled out of control, omg, there’s so much angst and backstory I hope anyone reads this oof

Summary: It infuriates Yoongi, that the hero has something he doesn’t, and he takes it for himself, planning to use you for bait…but he hadn’t counted on how you’d affect him.

Warnings: oh boy, a lot of angst, abandoned boys, a little violence, some involuntary manslaughter (don’t judge listen I love my ragtag villain boys), mention of some emotional abuse, mention of sexual abuse (in a backstory), there’s just a lot going on here, I have 545 ideas for one shots in this universe

Word Count: 4586

He finds out that you're his arch nemesis's new squeeze by accident.

It wasn't as if any of his crew remembered you, he'd made sure of that before he'd gone to prison.

It was the new kid, Jungkook who'd told him, almost as an afterthought. "Shin has a new girl."

Yoongi had been playing cards with Seokjin, appearing to barely listen, but he's hyperfocused, tuning in on everyone's thoughts..

"In his crew?" He asks finally, discarding the 2 of clubs.

"I must be crazy, playing rummy with a mind bender," Seokjin mutters in a disgusted tone.

Yoongi's mouth turns at one corner. "Sometime today, Jeon." He snaps.

"N-no." The kid stutters. "His girl."

Yoongi snorts. "Poor soul."

He's only half paying attention, but then a pair of familiar doe eyes flash through Jungkook's mind, and Yoongi falters, dropping the wrong card in the discard pile.

"Yes!" Seokjin crows, picking it up. Then he narrows his eyes. "Are you letting me win?"

"Shut up," Yoongi mumbles, rubbing at his temples.

He'd been in prison less than six weeks. Less than six weeks, and already….

"Her name is Y/n," Jungkook continues dreamily, and Yoongi barks out a bitter laugh.

It wasn't surprising, how much of you Jungkook had taken in on his short scouting trip. The kid had always had a little crush on you, ever since the first day he joined the crew, when you'd been in the kitchen, and looked back at him over his shoulder.

"You like grilled cheese, kid?" You'd asked, and that'd been it, Jungkook had stars in his eyes every time he looked at you.

Yoongi had thought it was cute, then, but now, it makes his chest tight, makes his stomach roll, how Jungkook is thinking of the outer swell of your breast, your hair bouncing against your throat, and when Jungkook thinks of Shin's big forearm around your waist, Yoongi tosses his cards down on the table.

"Aish!' Seokjin protests, but Yoongi stands, nearly knocking over the chair, and Seokjin clams up.

Jungkook is almost wringing his hands, and Yoongi knows he's worried he's done something wrong, can see it in his thoughts, so he puts a hand on the kid's shoulder.

"New plan. Bring her to me."

***

Jungkook does what he's told. And fast. Of course, that's what he does, he's fast and eager and he'd run the 55 miles from Busan to Daegu in fifteen minutes when he was 14, away from home over some stupid fight with his dad. He'd been too scared and lost to find his way home and Yoongi and Taehyung had found him sniffling in the back alley behind the abandoned building they'd been living in.

It's sad to think about how Jungkook could've just called home, how his parents might have understood and accepted him, but it's not like they don't all have sad stories, Yoongi's crew.

Yoongi had met Taehyung first, in the psych ward when Yoongi had been 10 and Taehyung 8 and he'd been all big eyes and snotty nose, asking Yoongi a hundred questions, holding his hand tight when he realized he could, realized Yoongi could suppress that part of his brain that triggered his super strength. The part of his brain that had let him crush his baby sister when he'd hugged her, when his parents had let them hold her after she came home from the hospital.

Taehyung had never been more than a hundred feet from him ever since, even when Yoongi told him why he was in the psych ward, because he'd written a poem for a girl he liked in school and when she'd laughed in his face he got so mad and humiliated he wished she were dead and then ...she was, from a brain aneurysm, seizing on the floor in front of him.

He'd stopped talking for two years.

They met Jungkook by accident, and when the three of them got raided by Shin and the few boys he'd recruited, when their girl with the banshee powers burst out every window in the building they'd been living in and their invisible boy had stolen all their food and money, Yoongi decided to start his own crew.

Seokjin had been next, in a juvenile detention center because that's where they all ended up, eventually. He was in for arson but the papers said the dorm containing Seokjin, his girlfriend, and his best friend had burnt to ashes, almost like it had been napalmed, with Seokjin escaping without a single burn.

When Jungkook zipped Taehyung and Yoongi inside, the tall, broad shouldered boy had been in a steel room with smoke boiling from under the door.

Luckily, Yoongi knew what part of the brain to suppress and Taehyung could bust the hinges on that steel door and Jungkook was quick enough to whisk them all out of there.

Turns out that girlfriend had been fucking his best friend and Yoongi thought they kind of deserved it, anyway, but it still took months to talk Seokjin into using his powers again.

Then Jungkook told him about this boy he'd met in Busan who he swore had changed his eye and hair color in an instant when they had gotten caught shoplifting.

His name was Jimin and when they found him he'd been on the streets and instead of a boy he'd shifted into a girl, specifically his foster father's dead daughter so that he wouldn't hit him so much. But when he'd come into his bedroom late at night, Jimin had stabbed him in the jugular with a ballpoint pen.

Jimin had been the slowest to trust them but they'd gave him a bed and no one tried to touch him and it was the closest thing he'd ever been offered to home.

Then Hoseok, who'd come right to their door, wearing dark sunglasses and barely making eye contact. He'd seen the papers where they'd had a skirmish with the heroes and fancied himself a villain because he'd come into his powers late, killed his fiancee in her wedding dress when he'd been unable to control his joy and beams of electricity shot from his eyes and stopped her heart.

Hoseok had been difficult at first, breaking down when he clipped a security guard while shooting electricity into the keypad lock, but Yoongi had set him straight with a bitter laugh.

"I killed a fucking nine year old just because I thought about it, Hoseok, and you can't take a fucking security guard with a burn on his arm? Fuck you. You get to wear a fucking pair of sunglasses and forget about it, yeah? I get pissed off at one of you for cheating at rummy and have to focus not to burst a blood vessel in your fucking brain. Tae could kill you during fucking flag football. Seokjin could burn this whole place down if he has a fucking bad dream. Get your shit together."

After that, Hoseok kept his mouth shut, did the exercises to stay focused, quit complaining.

Namjoon was the last to join the crew, having been Shin's biggest weapon for years, ever since Shin had found him sleeping on a park bench in the rain, totally dry because he could control the clouds.

After a big battle in which Namjoon had flooded parts of the city, Yoongi spat out something that made Namjoon think twice about his loyalty to Shin.

"You don't have to steal. You don't have to hurt people," Namjoon had said in his even, calm voice, and Yoongi scoffed.

"At least we only hurt people who deserve it. How many innocents do you think drowned in this flood today, Namjoon? How many in that earthquake last month, trapped under the rubble?"

Namjoon couldn't shake the way it made him feel and he'd gone to Shin, who'd just shrugged.

"Gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette, Joonie."

So Namjoon left, came to Yoongi with intel because people aren't fucking eggs and at least Yoongi could help him focus it with his mindbending.

They'd become more brothers than a crew by the time you came around, and everyone was wary at first because you didn't have any powers.

Yoongi understood but he could read your mind, knew there was no ill intent and maybe he was a little naive to think it would all go smoothly, that Shin wouldn't find out and try to use you.

And use you he did, trying to woo you to his side but you, Yoongi's smart girl, you'd used that to your advantage, batted your doe eyes and pretended to be interested.

Yoongi hadn't liked it, not even a little, had been anxious for you and, if he were honest, a little jealous, when he saw in your mind how you'd smiled and cooed at Shin.

But it got them the right intel for the biggest heist they'd done yet, Shin's personal bank, where the so called "heroes" kept all that money they spent on fucking penthouses and caviar or whatever the fuck they ate.

Yoongi doesn't know where it went wrong but he'd heard sirens and called his crew to him, given himself a nosebleed erasing every memory of you so that no one could beat it out of them.

He'll never forget the way you looked at him, eyes wide, forehead pressed to his.

"Don't, Yoongi. Not me. Don't make me forget you, please."

He'd stroked your hair, twirled a curl between his fingers. "I'll make you remember again, doll. I'll make you remember just as soon as things are safe."

"What if things are never safe, Yoongi?"

He'd smiled at you, kissed you soft, not even realizing his nose was bleeding until he saw the blood smearing your mouth.

He'd watched the light of recognition fade from your eyes, and it'd hurt so much more than he'd expected.

It hurts worse, now, with you panting, your curls sweaty and sticking to your forehead, you banging against the glass and glaring at him with absolutely no recognition at all.

You'd been kicking and screaming when Jungkook brought you in and Yoongi hadn't know what else to do but put you in Tae's room.

The creation of Tae's special room had been necessary after an unfortunate incident with one of Shin's girls a couple of months back, a room that was made of the strongest, reinforced glass, like the glass they used to make shark tanks.

Taehyung was standing next to him, biting his nails down to the quick. "Yoongi...what if I need the room while she's in there?"

Yoongi rolls his head on his shoulders, frustrated. "You won't, Tae."

"You don't know that! I might! What if something happens, like it did with…" He trails off, face almost pained, and Yoongi softens.

"I know. I know, Tae. You don't have to say her name." He takes Taehyung's hand where he's worrying at his cuticles and holds it, squeezes it to ground him.

Taehyung sighs and leans into him a bit, and Yoongi feels a wave of affection for his touch starved friend. 

"I'll calm her down, take her to my room if it comes to that, yeah?"

Taehyung nods, squeezes his hand back so gently anyone but Yoongi might not notice.

Yoongi is watching you, watching you sit down in the one metal chair in the room, crossing your arms over your chest and sulking, and suddenly he wants so badly to tell his best friend. Suddenly he wants his advice, wants to talk things out, ask Taehyung what he should do next.

Something pulls in Yoongi to make you remember, look you in your eyes and watch the light and love come back into them, but another part of him, the cunning part, the villain part, knows that you’ll have intel on Shin, deep intel, things he’d never been able to know before. That intel will hurt, like how you know where Shin’s bedroom is and how he sleeps, how he fucks, probably, and he knows that and if you remember, you’ll know that too, and hide it from him in that little part of your mind you’d created when you’d been together, keep your secrets.

And of course it’s Taehyung he wants to ask, sweet Taehyung, his best friend for all these years, but he also knows Taehyung might not react well to remembering...to knowing someone he trusted with his mind for all these years had altered his memories.

In the end, he decides to start small, to reverse the memories for Taehyung and Namjoon together, so that maybe Namjoon’s calming voice can help him understand.

He knows Namjoon will understand, knows Namjoon will understand more than anyone that sometimes you have to do the wrong thing for the right reasons.

Yoongi calls them both into his office and he hates how nervous Taehyung looks, how he’s fidgeting. Namjoon just stands there, hands behind his back, steady, as always.

“I needed you two because I need your advice...and I want to say I’m sorry that I had to erase your memories.”

Namjoon doesn’t react, but Taehyung blinks, startled.

“You...you did what?”

Yoongi sighs and closes his eyes, turns it back on, focusing on that one section of memory he’d boxed up in each of them, and then Namjoon does react, taking in a sharp breath at the rush of memories.

Taehyung sits down hard in the chair opposite Yoongi’s desk, hands tight on the arms of the chair.

“Tae Tae-” Yoongi stands, comes around the desk. Namjoon looks over at Taehyung, alarm evident on his face.

“Don’t,” he says, voice shaking. “Don’t you fucking touch me, Yoongi, you know better, you know you can’t touch me when I’m…”

“Hey, bubs, it’s okay,” Namjoon says, softly, and Taehyung jerks his gaze to the taller man. 

“Don’t tell me it’s fucking okay, Joon. It’s not okay. Don’t you get it? He’s already in our heads, all the time, and I thought...I thought it was to help us but-”

“It is! It is, Tae, I did it so that they couldn’t get information from you, so that-”

That’s when Taehyung breaks the chair, it bursts under his hands like it’s made of popsicle sticks when he stands up.

“I would never give up one of our own! Never! They’d have to fucking kill me first, and you know that!”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” Yoongi says, softly, and something in Taehyung’s face softens.

Namjoon makes a mistake puts a hand on Taehyung’s shoulder too soon and Yoongi winces when he hears it pop.

Namjoon cries out, but only for a moment, and Taehyung’s face...it’s a knife in Yoongi’s gut, every time this happens.

Taehyung crosses his arms over his chest, trapping his hands under his armpits, shaking all over, and Yoongi comes toward him, trying to find that switch in Taehyung’s brain to calm him but he’s all over the place and he can’t.

“Joonie, I’m sorry,” Taehyung sobs, fat tears streaming down his face. “I’m so sorry.” He looks to Yoongi, eyes wild and wet. “I need the room.”

“Tae, you don’t, we just need to calm down-”

“I need the fucking room!” He yells, and Yoongi nods and leads him there without touching him, feeling like shit for all of this, for any of this. God, it’s so fucked up that he’s able to do any of this, that he’s been given this fucking curse…

And then there’s you, there’s you with your chin jutted out defiantly but he knows you’re scared, can read it in your mind how terrified you are, how Shin’s told you over and over what a monster Yoongi is, how he’ll leave you drooling and helpless with no memories and no way to ever make new ones, and he hates Shin and he hates himself when he hauls you out of there into his bedroom, when you fight him and he has to shove you in the bedroom and lean his back against the door, breathing hard.

Turns out Namjoon’s shoulder isn’t broken, just dislocated, and Hoseok pops it back in while Namjoon bites down on his belt and after that it’s just a handmade sling for a few weeks.

Yoongi thanks God for Hoseok’s EMT training prior to joining, and goes to tell Taehyung the good news, but Taehyung isn’t listening.

He's balled up in the corner of the room and humming to himself, and Yoongi is so fucking tired when he comes to his room that you almost barrel right past him.

He catches you by the shoulders and you struggle and he looks you right in the eye.

"Shin told you what I can do, yeah? You know I could paralyze you with a fucking thought. So calm. Down."

You freeze, and he hates the flash of fear in your eyes but he can still see you back behind your eyes, how you're still defying him even as you sit down on the bed, crossing your arms.

"I'm not telling you anything."

Yoongi fights the smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth. "You don't have to, doll. I can read your mind, you know."

You shake your head. "He taught me how to compartmentalize. Just in case this happened. I can fight you until he gets here."

Yoongi barks out a laugh at that.

"You think he'll come for you?"

Something flashes in your eyes and your lip trembles, just for a second. "H-he loves me."

Yoongi knows that shouldn't make him angry. He knows he did this, that you'd begged him not to and he'd done it anyway but even so blood rushes to his face and he slams his hand down on his nightstand and you flinch.

"Let me tell you something, sweetheart. Shin Junyoung has never loved anything in his whole miserable life except himself. And he never would have had a chance with you if-"

You shake your head, put your hands over your ears. "He loves me and I love him. He loves me and I love him."

You chant it over and over, like a mantra, so much that he can't even read your thoughts and he wants to scream, has to leave the room before he jerks your hands from your ears and makes you remember, breathing hard.

He's fucking mad, he could burst Shin's brain with a single thought right now but there's broken glass in his chest because some part of that was true, he felt it coming off you in waves and every single bit of this was his fault.

He spends the night on the floor next to Taehyung's room with a bottle of bourbon, and wakes up with a pounding headache and Tae knocking on the glass softly.

"I'm ready to come out now," he says hoarsely, eyes red rimmed, and Yoongi's so grateful he feels tears welling in his eyes.

Taehyung cleans up and comes down to breakfast and Namjoon is in the kitchen, pouring coffee with his good arm.

Taehyung takes in a deep breath and leans his head against Namjoon's shoulder, gently.

"I'm sorry," he says softly, brokenly, and Yoongi watches, feeling a wave of affection for his friends, his brothers, when Namjoon flashes a dimpled smile and pats Taehyung on the top of the head.

At breakfast,Yoongi can't eat, feeling like there's rocks in his stomach.

"So, from your drunken ramblings last night, I take it you haven't given her the memories back yet?" Taehyung says, almost casually, popping a slice of bacon into his mouth.

Yoongi shakes his head. "There's so much intel we could get," he mumbles.

"You know if you weren't my best friend, I'd snap you like a twig for saying that."

Yoongi blinks at him, a little shocked.

"I remember everything now, and I know how much she loved you, Yoongi. You're telling me intel on Shin is more important than that?"

Yoongi frowns. "No. No, I just…" he sighs and puts his head on the table. "I just feel like if I don't get something, all of this is for nothing."

"She'd tell you anyway, Yoongi. You know she would."

"Not the good stuff," he mumbles. "Not where he sleeps, or how he sleeps…"

"What, you want her to tell you how he fucks, or…" 

Yoongi lifts his head to glare at his friend, and Taehyung just smiles, lifting an eyebrow.

"Do what you want, bubs, but you're gonna snap and make her remember and it'd be easier if you were calm when you do it."

Taehyung takes his plate to the kitchen and leaves Yoongi alone to think about how the fuck to do any of this.

**

It's not Yoongi but Hoseok who brings you breakfast. In fact, you don't see Yoongi alone for two days.

Shin had told you about all of them, made you read about them, sitting you on his lap with a big binder with blurry photos of them and their powers, their weaknesses.

You never thought much about it, assumed it was for your protection, but the more you're away from him, the more you wonder.

Hoseok's nice to you, has a bright smile when you thank him in a small voice, and were it not for the dark sunglasses and the way he wouldn't meet your eyes, you'd never notice anything out of the ordinary.

The kid, Jungkook, he had been nice too, apologizing over and over for having to hold you tight and restrain you.

It's the shapeshifter, Jimin, or the snake as Shin called him, and Taehyung, the one Shin had said could snap your spine, who bring you lunch.

They sit for a while and talk with you, and you find yourself laughing at something Taehyung said and wondering how this puppy eyed man could be as dangerous as Shin had said.

There's something almost familiar about all of them, and they're all so much more handsome than the blurry pictures had shown, and maybe you felt like you knew them because of how much Shin had forced you to study them but….

Everything was different, here. They all seemed so close, no stiff shoulders and "yes sir, no sir," and even when Yoongi gave an order, they discussed it.

There were times, in that couple of days, when you could have escaped, although you know the kid could catch you easily, or Yoongi could stop your brain from speaking to your muscles, but you don't feel like a prisoner.

You hear arguing amongst them only once, and you think it's the one with the fire, although you don't know why, since you can only hear his voice.

Your ear is pressed up against the door but you can only catch a few words..

"You fucked with our memories? We all-"

Then Yoongi opens the door and you fall forward into his arms, your nose brushing against his.

You can't say why your breath catches in your chest, why his hand smoothing the curls at the back of your head feels so familiar and soothing, but it makes you feel guilty, remembering Shin kissing you goodbye on that last day before he left that you shove him backwards and retreat to the bed.

Yoongi's eyes flash and you think idly that you should be afraid, but you aren't.

"Y/n, I need to tell you something."

This is when it happens. This is when he brainwashes you, this is what Shin had warned you about and he'd told you over and over that if it happened, he'd kill you because you wouldn't be you anymore. Because you wouldn't be his.

You clap your hands over your ears and start the chant again but it's too late, you'd neglected to hide your thoughts and Yoongi climbs onto the bed, taking your hands in his own, glaring at you.

"He said...he said he'd kill you?" His voice is firm but also calm, he isn't raising his voice.

In fact, he hasn't raised his voice to you at all, not like Shin…

You're still spewing out thoughts, you can't help it.

"He yelled at you? Y/n...baby...did he...did he ever hit you?"

Tears are threatening at the backs of your eyes and you shake your head fiercely, trying desperately to stop your thoughts, trying to remember that you love Shin, remembering his eyes and his smile.

Then Yoongi puts his forehead to yours.

"I'm sorry," he says, voice cracking. "I'm so sorry."

You feel something like fingers edging into your mind, and then everything changes.

**

At first, Yoongi is just mad because he's jealous and because he misses you so fucking much, but when he reads your thoughts and you're more afraid of Shin than Yoongi, more afraid of your so called boyfriend than the man you thought kidnapped you, the rage he feels is unbelievable.

If he'd been Seokjin, the whole room would've burst into flames.

But it gives way to sorrow so fast when he sees the tears in your eyes, when he realizes he did this, and he's not even surprised when you remember and burst into tears, pummeling his chest.

"Fuck you, Yoongi! You made me forget! You made me forget you and he-"

He tries to hold you but you push him so hard he almost falls of the bed and eventually he leaves the room, slides down against the door and puts his head in his hands.

He sits there all day, waiting for you, waiting until your thoughts turn from a rolling sea to a calmer lake.

You're sniffling when you open the door and he almost falls backward inside.

"Come and kiss me, you idiot," you say, and your voice is broken and hoarse but it's the most beautiful sound he's ever heard.

Your mouth on his is like coming back home, hands in your curls tight like he'll never let go, and when you murmur his name he feels like his heart will break.

Later, after you're lying with your head on his chest, you tell him everything, even the things he doesn't want to hear, even the things that make his chest ache and his stomach roll and he knows part of you thinks he deserves it for making you forget.

He does, after all, he does deserve it but when he covers his face with his hands after you tell him about the first night Shin got you into his bed, you roll on top of him and move them away, kiss his eyelids where he’s got them screwed shut and his pouty mouth.

“You did this for a reason, yeah? You didn’t want me hurt but you also needed the intel, and I’m giving it to you.”

He’s still pouting when he opens his eyes, but a smile tugs up the corner of his mouth. “You got my intel, all right, my tough girl.”

You smile back at him. “Damn straight, I did. I got everything you need to take him down, and how I did it doesn’t matter, right?”

He nods, smile fading a bit, and then you kiss him again.

“I love you. Even when I thought I loved him, I loved you. You can read my mind to see that’s true.” You say, staring down into his eyes fiercely.

Yoongi searches your face and then smiles. 

“I don’t have to,” he says, and he kisses you over and over until there’s no trace of Shin in your mind at all.

[bossyohan]

Seungyoun; Enemies-To Friends-To Lovers (au.)

You and Seungyoun always admired each other

Both having your majors in music and in production/composing, you had a lot of the same classes together

You somehow ended up being in the same classes that were unrelated to your majors also, which meant seeing each other maybe 90% of the time on campus

And the other 10% would be off-campus, when you’d try to find different spots to get your creative flow going

Whether it be the coffee shop, a bench in the park, etc.

You’d think that you were on a first-name basis with him at least, but no

He didn’t acknowledge you at all during these times

And when you all had to share your work in class, there would always be positive feedback from all of the students except for Seungyoun

So you decided not to acknowledge him either

But you do have ears, and it’s clear to you that he’s something of a master at composing

Instrumentals, lyrics, the whole thing

And that makes you a bit insecure, which only makes you try harder with your music

And it makes h i m insecure when he hears how effortlessly brilliant your works sound

So this silent battle of “who is better?” plays out for the whole first semester, and you both excel and succeed on just about the same level

But for the next semester, something changed in the way the class works

Your professor assigned each student a partner to create something together as a final project.

And what were the chances that you and seungyoun got paired together? 100%, apparently

For a while, Seungyoun still didn’t speak to you, so you continued to ignore him also, too stubborn to be the first one

Three weeks passed, and you still had some time to get the project done, but you both still didn’t interact

Until you got a message one day from one of your friends (Yohan)

“Wow, why is Seungyoun asking me for your phone number ☺️”

And for a moment, you forgot that those two had been friends for a while, but he clearly knew the situation between you two

“Probably because we have a project to do?”

“probably? hm.”

“Just give him my number and be quiet.”

“Don’t think I forgot about you saying you have a crush on this ‘kinda rude guy in my class’ y/n” he replied, which you ignored

And a few minutes later, you get a text from an “unknown” number asking to meet you at the campus library

So you start walking to the library, but suddenly start to feel anxious about meeting with him

He’d never spoken to you before this, so you don’t really know how or what to say either

Once you get there, you scan the tables briefly to see him facing his Mac, messing around with a few things on garage band

You walk over and sit in front of him, hoping he notices

And he does, immediately taking off his headphones and looking back at you

There’s a few moments of silence that gets a bit awkward before he asks you

“So…what do you wanna do?”

You shrug, replying with “I don’t know, what do you wanna do?”

And more silence follows

“Well…we can pick a theme first. Do we want light, dark, theatrical, poppy…” he says

“I’m not sure…we have the option to make it into a song instead of just instrumentals too. I know that you sing, so did you want to do that, or?”

“Only if you want to sing too”

“I’m not that great at singing though…” you say, getting embarrassed at just the thought of the attempts you made in the past

“I think your voice is good” he says, now changing your embarrassment into bashfulness

And then, confusion

“When did you hear me sing?” you asked him

He kinda froze, looking straight at you as the words cranked out of his brain and through his mouth

“Just a few times when I’d go to the production room when you were already in there.”

You just nod, trying not to think any more about it

“Well, I guess we can make it a song then. I don’t mind singing.” He said, changing the subject

“Great, so now we pick a theme”

And the theme you pick is dark

Not necessarily dark as in “scary or sad”, but the tempo or energy isn’t as fast paced as most songs are

You want the song to convey a different feeling to everyone

So slowly, but surely, you both collaborate

He suggested using elements from a project that you did in the previous semester, which surprised you that he remembered it at all, being as he seemed uninterested in your presentations

And you recommended to mix your instrumentals together to lead into the chorus, merging your sounds for a major part

Seungyoun excitedly works on it, smiling back at you as it played out exactly the way you two wanted

You mark that as the first time he genuinely smiled at you, making your heart flutter at how cute he looked when he did

Then you think about how he looks when he’s working, lips pouty and cheeks puffed, being cute once again

And then you decide to stop yourself from crushing on him, when the only things you two had ever talked about was about the project

“now really isn’t the time” you think to yourself, shaking your head to focus on what your next steps in the project were gonna be

You’re a few weeks in now, but you two may have gotten carried away

The song was almost done now that he had the lyrics placed perfectly with the instrumentals (after a lot of changes, of course)

So you recommended taking a little break to catch up/focus on your other classes for a while more, which he agreed on

You suggested this mainly to keep your feelings at bay, upset about how you let your heart overpower your mind

Though you two never spoke in the past, he did pay a lot of attention to you, remembering your past work, bringing you your favorite coffee drink when you two were working because he remembered what you had gotten the last time, and a lot more

But you knew that it was absolutely platonic, and that made you a little sad

Yet, you accepted it and carried on

You thought that Seungyoun would’ve actually accepted the break with the project, but he still asked you to meet with him one night at the cafe

And you wanted to say that you were busy, but you clearly would’ve been lying since you caught up on your homework for astronomy already

You expected to find him there with his MacBook open and headphones on, but instead, he was just at a table, surface bare, typing away on his phone

Your face must’ve shown your major confusion, because when he looked up, he asked if you were okay

Nodding, you sat down, unknowingly tapping your foot out of anxiousness

“Where’s your computer?” You asked him

“I left it in my dorm room. We were taking a break, right?” He asked, just as confused as you were

“Oh…I thought you asked me to meet you here to work on the project…” you answered

He paused for a moment, scratching the back of his neck before smiling at you

“I should have said it in the text, but I was just hungry and thought you would’ve wanted something here too. I doubt you ate today. Yohan mentioned you forget to eat sometimes”

And it was true, you did forget to eat dinner, but you wondered why Yohan talked about you to him

Then you realized that Seungyoun asked you here just on friendly terms, finally settling the internal dispute you had of “are we friends or just co-workers?”

So you both ordered, and he payed

And you talked about things other than music, like how you both met Yohan at the most inconvenient but perfect moments, the pets you’ve had, and the infamous “is water wet” question

The conversations lasted for a good hour before you realized that you two were the only ones left and that they’d close the cafe soon

Not wanting to be nuisances, you both left before they closed and just walked back to the dormitories

You didn’t have much else to say until he broke the silence one again

“I’m glad we got paired together. If we didn’t, I’d think you’d still hate me” he said with a sad laugh

You turned to him in shock, immediately saying

“I never hated you! I thought you hated me up until maybe two weeks ago?”

“Two weeks ago? Why?”

“You never reacted to my presentations”

“Neither did you!”

“You also never talked to me in any of the classes we had together”

“Yeah, because you never talked to me”

“Wow…we’re the worst at communicating, huh”

He just laughed at the situation

“I was too scared to react to your compositions. I felt like if I gave any comment or critique, then you’d ruin my life when I presented” he told you

“Are you kidding me? Do you really think that your songs weren’t good? I always dreaded presenting after you because I knew you’d have something amazing. Everyone in the class loved what you made, you know that?” You said, projecting your feelings towards him and his music into “everyone”.

He smiled bigger this time, thanking you quietly for saying so

“Well, knowing that you don’t actually never hated me makes me feel even better than knowing the rest of the class likes my work” he said

Now you were at a loss for words, smiling back at him to maybe fill in the silence with a happy gesture

Days pass by and you get texts here and there from Seugyoun that range from

“Do you think you can help me study for *insert subject here*?”

To

“I really think that giving the ducks on campus bread to eat isn’t good for them”

And you end up being with him a lot, even if it’s unintentional

It got to the point where Yohan made a group chat with the two of you and named it “traitors” since you often forget to ask him to hang out with you both

“Yohan, you’re in class right now”

“Okay, but I could’ve skipped to go and have lunch with you both”

Your relationship with Seungyoun grew really strong super fast, and you’ve somehow managed to keep down the feelings you were having for him before

You thought that being his friend was more that perfect at the moment

Even at the points where you were both stressed, he managed to boost both of your spirits that made you wonder why you were stressed in the first place

Until one incident happened

Once you two started working on the project again, everything had gone smoothly

He recorded his voice, and you edited it in with the background music.

You asked him to listen back on it, hoping he’d catch any editing mistakes you may have made

Seungyoun listened, nodding his head as he smiled at the distortions you added for a new effect.

“I really don’t have to fix anything. You did great, as always” he said, pausing the track to talk to you

Just as you were about to reply, the lights dimmed a bit in the studio.

And the systems shut down.

Seungyoun just stared at the dead screen, waiting for it to boot up, but you could tell that he was irritated

Once it fully turned back on, he immediately went to check on the file

Which wasn’t there

And so he stares blankly at the screen again, a million things going through his mind about what just happened

“I…don’t think the file saved, y/n, I’m sorry” he said sadly, clicking on different folders to see if it was maybe saved somewhere else

“What? No, it’s fine! I saved it on my drive before you put yours in, remember?” You told him as you pulled it out of your pocket

The look of relief on his face as he stood up and hugged made you laugh, glad that you thought ahead before a disaster hit

“God…why are you so great?” He asked, finally letting go of you

You just shrugged and smiled, going to put the drive back in to listen to the song again, but before you could, heard him say

“I could really kiss you right now”

And you try not to think about what he had said, but it’s obviously hard not to when the statement was as bold as it was

You just assumed that he was joking with you, because, well, he just does that sometimes

So you turned back answered with a laugh

“Yeah. The same to you”

And deep down inside, you meant that, no matter how hard you tried to ignore the scratching sensation of your true emotions dying to burst out of your heart

You thought that it would eventually go away, until you felt his hand resting on your cheek, and then his warm lips on yours

Now this was the time your own mind went blank, trying to process what was happening

And when you finally did, you didn’t waste a second to kiss back

When you broke apart, you tried evening out your breath to ask him

“If I didn’t say I wanted to kiss you too, what would you have done?”

“I would’ve asked if I could. And then you’d say yes, and I’d kiss you” he said with a serious look on his face before cracking out a laugh

And you pushed him slightly for that

“How would you have known I’d say yes?”

“I mean, when you tell people like Yohan a secret, it never stays a secret, you know?”

You just raise an eyebrow at him before realizing what he meant

“So you knew I had a crush on you this whole time? And never said or did anything about it?”

“I had to be sure! It was a while ago that he told me, I didn’t know if you were already with someone else”

“I think you would’ve know. We literally saw each other everywhere, remember?”

He just nodded and smiled

“Well. We could make up for that time now if you wanted to…date? Maybe?”

“Of course, Seungyoun”

“Woah, really?” He said, his smile a thousand times bigger now

“Yes! Did you think I’d say no?”

“I honestly didn’t think this far in” he told you, making you laugh this time

You thought for a moment before telling him

“Let’s not tell Yohan about this yet, unless you’re ready for him expecting us to thank him for ‘setting us up’”

“True. Even though he kinda did…”

“Yeah, but he’s still just getting over the fact that we became friends and forgot to invite him with us places”

“…Right. He can wait a bit”

[lindalevanimamm]

Reality- Chapter 7

I woke up feeling a lot better. I got up and found my way to a bathroom to get ready. More new things today. I only want to worry about two things. Number one, moving in. Number two, chat with the RFA. After I was showered and dressed, I made my way to the kitchen. It didn’t look like anyone was up yet, so I decided to start making breakfast for everyone. Well, I was, that is, until I opened up Saeyoung’s fridge. He and Saeran apparently don’t cook. It was full of Phd Pepper, and random things like cheese, milk, jelly, and just stuff you couldn’t make a meal with. I frowned. How are these two even alive? After digging through the fridge I found some eggs, and settled on just cooking them. I began to stand back up, after crouching to find the eggs, to shut the fridge. My eyes met with two others and I jumped back and fell, hitting my head on the fridge’s handle on the way back down. “Ow” I sighed. I looked up to see a worried looking Saeran. “Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you,” he stated then held out his hand to help me up. I took it. “You’re fine!” I replied. 

“So, uh, what are you doing?” he asked. 

“Well I was going to make breakfast, but you all don’t seem to have much. I did find some eggs though and I was going to cook them,” I answered. Saeran smiled at me, looking relieved. 

“Oh, sorry about that. I was going to make Saeyoung take me today to pick up ingredients since I ran out. I do the cooking for the most part. Saeyoung is a mess in the kitchen.” 

“Oh thank God. I was worried for a minute. I figured Saeyoung couldn’t cook due to the half cooked pancakes he made me, but I’m glad someone here is.” Saeran reached and grabbed the few eggs I was going to cook. 

“If it’s okay with you we can just order some food. I’ll be stopping off at the grocery store at some point when we’re moving you.” I smiled and nodded. I hope I’m not being too awkward. Ugh. Wait...what if instead of ordering we… I began to grin at the idea I just had. Saeran seemed to notice. “(Y/N) is everything okay?” he asked. 

“More than okay. What if instead of ordering food we, well, you know, go pick some up?” I trailed off. 

“Pick them up? How would we do that?” 

“Well, I know Saeyoung has cars, he always showed them off. It’s not like I’ve never driven before and the driving laws here can’t be that different…” 

“That sounds like something Saeyoung would flip out over,” he paused and smiled. “Let’s do it. I’m totally in!” I smiled back. Hehe I can finally drive a cool car! The two of us quickly and quietly made our way to the garage. We decided on which car we were going to take and grabbed the keys. I made my way into the driver's seat and smiled. It was so cool. I looked over at Saeran and beamed. 

“You ready to go?” I asked. He laughed and shook his head. 

“You’re crazier than him, but yes.” With that, I started the car. It sounds so cool. I was so excited. I started off driving slower than what I wanted, but I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t crash and kill both of us. Once I was more comfortable, I was zooming. It felt amazing, it was exciting. The drive was mostly silent, but still comfortable. Saeran led me first to a grocery store. We got out and shopped together, making some small talk. After that we went to a cafe and picked up some breakfast to bring home. Saeran had the brilliant idea of bringing Saeyoung his favorite doughnut, as an apology for stealing his car. We were gone for around an hour and made it back safely…..or so I wish. I guess I had gotten a little too carried away and sped a bit too much as we were pulled over. As soon as I saw the lights I looked over at Saeran in horror. I’m not from this universe so it’s not like my licence is going to be valid, not to mention if he recognizes Saeran for any reason that could be really bad. I’m sure police are some the two tend to avoid. Both Saeyoung and Saeran had a complicated background and literally hacked into things for money. Saeran looked at me, slight worry in his eye. 

“Well, this sucks. When you pull over, switch me spots quickly and as discreetly as you can, then follow my lead,” he told me. I nodded and pulled over. As soon as I pulled over, we both unbuckled and switched spots, thankfully the policeman didn’t notice. I buckled back up, barely, I noticed my hands had begun to shake so it was difficult to buckle. I knew I shouldn’t have done this. This is what happens when you try to have fun (Y/N). Now you’ve made a big scene, not to mention having to tell Saeyoung when we get back. Ugh he’s going to be so mad at me!! Saeran rolled down the window and smiled. 

“License and registration,” the policeman stated. I don’t know how he got it, but Saeran pulled out a license, and reached over for the registration stuff and gave it to them. Once the policeman was out of eyesight and earshot, Saeran whispered to me. “In the glove compartment there is a heavy laptop, could you grab it for me?” Confused, I grabbed it and handed it to him. “Keep watch,” he stated. I watched as he opened it up and pulled up a database. Of course. He’s hacking our way out of this. Smart. But also could go wrong very fast. “S-Saeran,” I paused. “Are you sure that’s a good idea.” He nodded. I decided to trust him and keep an eye out to make sure the policeman wasn’t coming back. After only a few minutes, Saeran shut the laptop and handed it back to me to put back in the glove compartment. He smiled. “There. We should be good now.” We sat in silence waiting for the policeman to return. I was super anxious at this point, thinking of all the things that could go wrong and how Saeyoung would react. Eventually the policeman came back. 

“Mr. Choi?” they asked. 

“Yes?” Saeran answered. Did he really use his real name? Is that okay?

“Looks like everything is up to date, but do you know how fast you were going?” 

“Ah, I’m so sorry. My wife and I here were just trying to get home for our child's first birthday, we left him with the sitter to pick up some things for it. I honestly don’t know how fast I was going. I’m a bit excited I guess.” Saeran laughed hesitantly. 

“Well, you were getting close to 100mph,” the policeman paused. “I understand the excitement, but please watch you speed from here on. I’m sure your child would like for you to make it home.” 

“Yes. I am so sorry. Thank you.” The policeman nodded and drove away. Saeran turn to look at me. I shrunk down in my seat. 

“O-one hundred miles per hour (Y/N)? What the hell?!” 

“Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away,” I mumbled. 

“Well, please slow down from now on.” I nodded. We switched spots again. I started driving, feeling the pit in my stomach growing. I felt really bad. We made it back to the bunker and found Saeyoung waiting inside the garage. Saeran got out of the car first. I took a deep breath and tried to act like nothing happened. It didn’t work. 

“Saeran, what did I tell you about taking my cars without me! You’re such a bad driver my baby could have gotten hurt!” I heard Saeyoung whine to Saeran. Saeran tried not to smile. 

“I didn’t drive, but you should be worried about (Y/N)’s driving abilities,” he laughed. I looked down. 

“What are you talking about? (Y/N) are you okay? What happened?” I sighed, and continued to look at the floor. 

“Well, I, uh, kinda got a little excited to be driving such a cool car that I guess I was speeding a bit too much, and we, uh, we got pulled over…” I looked up and saw Saeyoung’s eyes grow wide, before softening. Then he started laughing. Not just a small laugh either, like full blown doubled over laughing. Saeran joined in making me even more confused. Why isn’t he mad? Once he finally calmed down he spoke. “Wow (Y/N), I would not have expected that!” 

“What?” I asked. 

“Oh wow, phew. I can’t tell you how many times Saeran and myself have been pulled over for speeding. How fast were you going? How did you get out of it? Or did my little bro fail you and you didn’t get away with a warning?” I was stunned. Saeran spoke for me. 

“Police said they were going over one hundred miles. And for your information, I got out of it very easily pulling a few hacking strings and lying a bit.” 

“Oh ho ho, nice!” Saeyoung held out his hand and fist bumped Saeran. What is happening? He’s seriously okay with all of this? “Tell me (Y/N), how fast were you going? Pleasssseee tell me I have to know!” I relaxed a bit. He really doesn’t care. Might as well be honest. 

“125,” I mumbled. His jaw dropped. 

“Did you just say 125 miles per hour (Y/N)?” he asked. I nodded. He clapped his hands. “Ladies and gentlemen a new record!” I watched as he walked over to a whiteboard and changed the 98 into a 125, and then wrote my name next to it. 

“What is happening?” I asked. 

“Oh well, Saeran and I have an ongoing competition to see who can get away with speeding. I held the record. I was going 98 miles per hour and was pulled over, but got out of a ticket,” Saeyoung explained. 

“Shouldn’t my name be going up there with (Y/N)’s? It was a team effort,” Saeran challenged. 

“Is this true (Y/N)?” I nodded. Saeyoung sighed and wrote Saeran’s name next to mine. Saeran smiled. I was still confused and shocked. Then it hit me. 

“Hold on, you two go around speeding and getting caught, just for fun? Then why did Saeran act so surprised and tell me to not speed? ” I asked. They both turned and smiled. 

“Yep! We speed for fun and hope to get pulled over.” Saeyoung answered me.

“Sorry, I was surprised at first. Then I realized you completely demolished Saeyoung’s record, but I was pretty sure if you kept going that fast we’d get pulled over again and it would be much harder to get out of that a second time,” Saeran answered the other question. I stood in awe and shook my head. Here I was thinking Saeyoung would be upset. I began to laugh.

“You two are insane.” 

The three of us made our way inside to eat. We ate and then decided to get on with our day. We spent the majority of the day going from store to store buying furniture, after looking at the apartment and deciding on what I would need. It took the majority of the day, but there were many periods of laughter and we had fun. Around 7pm, I finally had a fully-furnished and comfortable apartment, thanks to the help of both Saeyoung and Saeran. I was nervous about staying alone, but I let the two leave for the night. Saeyoung was quick to remind me that he was just a phone call away, so if I needed him to just call and he’d be here. I don’t think anyone has ever told me that before. I smiled and waved goodbye, as their car pulled away from my new apartment. 

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Pinky Promise: Four

Sierra Elizabeth Barton was having a rough week. And Clint wasn't quite sure how it had gotten so out of hand. But he felt like the worst parent, even if he knew it wasn't his fault. 

It had started with Nat watching her tripping over her feet more often and noticing her struggling to get up. "Clint," she'd murmured, nudging him to look where Sierra was rambling slowly, more slowly than usual, across the grass with her stuffed mammoth in her little knapsack, happily helping Tony test some new tech thing. She could see the twinges of pain across her little face and watched her struggle, leaning on a table for support. 

"What?" he said, looking up from his phone and glancing that direction.

"How long has she been like that?" She asked. 

He wants to ask like what. But then he sees it. The pale little cheeks and the fine sheen of sweat from the effort of staying on her feet. But her little voice gives no sign. Clear as a bell and mixing with Tony's snarky replies.

"Fuck," Clint said softly.

"You didn't notice?" Nat asked softly. Clint hung his head for a second, and she rubbed the back of his neck, "How long has it been since she had x rays?" she asked.

Clint doesn't know that either. He thought he'd been doing everything right. Physio, making sure she kept up on music lessons, getting her in some advanced classes. "I'll try and get a hold of Jennie," he sighed, "See if she can get me the number for her doctors. Get a referral for someone out here."

He heaves himself to his feet, and Nat catches his hand, "Clint," she starts, but when he shrugs her off, she lets him go, catching Bucky's eye and jerking her head, indicating he should follow. 

Bucky frowned but nodded, following after his boyfriend. On the phone, Clint sounds tense. 

"Look, Jen," he sighs, "I don't wanna give her back. But she's in pain, and I wanna know why."

"I know she's always in pain. It's worse. She needs x rays so they can figure out if she's gonna need surgery."

"Fine. Thank you. I'll call as soon as we hang up... Does anyone know where Evie is?- Of course not. Why would she?"

He hangs up the phone and stares at the note pad on the counter with the number written on it. "Clint?" Bucky asks softly, "What's wrong?"

Clint exhales slowly and looks up at the ceiling blinking back frustrated tears. "Did you know Sierra was in that much pain?" he asked.

"No-I," he feels like he did something wrong. Clint holds up a hand to stop him and pulls him closer, wanting comfort. "What's wrong?" Bucky repeated gently, realizing this wasn't an interrogation. 

"I don't know," Clint said, swallowing hard. He hates it. He hates knowing that his kid is in pain, and there's no easy fix. He hates it even more that she's so used to pain that it didn't register that it was getting worse. 

"What do you need?" Bucky asked, cupping his jaw gently.

"I need Sierra to be okay," he said softly. The archer glanced towards the window. Natasha had apparently had a quiet word with Tony because he now had her sitting on top of the worktable he set up and was listening to her ideas about his design. Clint appreciated Tony's approach to Sierra. A lot. Stark had, surprisingly, never treated her as less than a pint-sized prodigy. He listened to her talk for four seconds and decided, "Ah, yes. A fellow weird kid." Tony didn't seem to register her disability. Not as anything but something that required occasional accommodation. 

"It'll be fine," Bucky said, "You think Sierra is gonna let anything keep her down that long?" Bucky had a lot of experience with scrappy little blonde kids. Too smart for their own good. 

That makes Clint smile a little, "No," he said softly. 

"Then call the doctor. Let's figure out what's wrong and get her back up to speed, Okay?"

"Okay," he said, stealing a kiss, "Do me a favor?"

"What's that?" Bucky said, anxious to try and make this easier. 

"See if Nat can track Evie down... She should probably be told there's a major appointment coming."

Bucky can't help it, he frowns. "I know," Clint sighs, "I know. But that's her mother. And she needs to be told."

"Even if she won't show up," Bucky growled.

"Shh," Clint said, "I know. And you know. Hell. Sierra knows, but..."

"But that's her mom," Bucky finished.

"When she grows up, Sierra can define the relationship on her terms, but... Until we get custody all the way sorted out, we can't be seen to be hiding anything. Or actively preventing Evie from seeing her."

Bucky nodded. He didn't like it. He hated knowing that Eve was going to break that little girl's heart again and again. And that He and Clint had to let her do it. But he does as Clint asked and went to go and find Natasha. 

The spy is sitting in the shade outside, keeping a careful eye on Stark. Not that the Inventor would put her in harm's way on purpose, but still, it's good to have a responsible adult on hand. "Hey," Bucky said, taking a seat next to her.

"What's up?" she said, looking over her shades.

"Clint told me to tell you to find Eve," he said, exhaling slowly. The redhead frowns, and Bucky snorts, "I made that same face."

"What's he want her for?" Nat asked

"He thinks she needs to be there. He's pretty sure this is going to be at least semi-serious."

Nat glanced over across the grass. Stark had Sierra slung giggling and protesting over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Probably to keep her from moving the joints that hurt. Without her knowing about it as he brought her over the grass. "Shit," she muttered.

"Yeah," Bucky answered.

"So," Tony said, "Here's the thing, pretty sure this kid needed a job in my lab yesterday."

"Oh?" Nat said, watching as he sat her upright in a chair.

"Why's that?" Bucky asked, amused.

"I fixed his equation," Sierra piped in beaming.

"She fixed my equation," Tony agreed, tugging the end of her braid fondly. "And I think that deserves ice cream... As long as none of the parental figures don't disagree."

"I think we can let her have some," Bucky said, stretching, "What do you think, Nat?"

"Did you do your homework?" she asked.

She nods, "And all the extra."

"Then yes," Nat said, kissing her cheek, "Just sit tight, okay? Strawberry?"

"Yeah," she said, "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Princess," she said, kissing the top of her head as she passed to go find some strawberry ice cream, thankful that she was even hungry. Sometimes, on the days when she hurt this much, she hardly ate anything. 

Clint looked up from his phone calls and quirked an eyebrow. "Sierra solved Stark's equation," Nat explained, "We're rewarding her."

"It's not dinner time," Clint said, looking at the clock.

"And?" she said, daring him to veto her.

""Small bowl, Tasha," he said, frowning at the calendar. 

"Nah," she said, rolling her eyes, "I was just gonna hand her the carton."

Clint gave her a look, but the spy only smiled and carried a little bowl of ice cream out to her waiting protegee, happy to see her still sitting where she was supposed to be and explaining something about bones to Bucky who, surprisingly, was listening patiently. 

"You're so smart," Nat said lovingly.

She gives Nat a look, tilting her head. Not the head tilt that says "The Audacity of this bitch" but the Curious one.

"I'm just weird," you tell her, "It's easy to sound smart when you learn about stuff no one cares about."

“Well, I mean someone has to care,” Tony mused, “Someone has to spend decades in dusty little Archives studying the stuff to put it in books for you to read.”

“And they’d probably be thrilled to see an eight-year-old who can understand their arguments. And probably super jealous,” Clint added, sitting next to Bucky and putting an arm around his shoulder. “How’re you feeling, Sunshine?” he asked.

“ ‘m okay,” she answers around a mouthful of ice cream. 

Clint doesn’t press but makes a mental note to give her some Tylenol and make sure she takes a hot shower to try and ease some of it so she can sleep. She needs rest, and that’s hard to do when she can’t get comfortable. 

________

“Hey Squirt,” Bucky said, tugging a damp lock of hair gently, “It’s bedtime. Your dad’s waiting for you.”

Sierra sits up, rubbing her eyes and looking a little lost. “You worked too hard today, huh?” he said sympathetically, moving to try and help her off the couch. 

She’s moving slow, and it’s painful just watching her trying to get her feet on the ground. “Baby,” he hums, stepping forward, “Do you-” he can’t even get the words “need help” out before her legs fold under her, and she pitches forward smacking her head on the coffee table and curling on the floor with an anguished little whimper. 

“Shit!” he said, scooping her up gently and looking at her forehead, anxious, “baby,” he kissed the injury and wiped tears away gently. As a rule, Clint didn’t spend much time coddling little bumps and scrapes, so Bucky followed suit, but this had been scary. “Clint!” he called over his shoulder, “Call medical.”

The archer half ran across the suit and assessed the situation for a second before realizing that his daughter was actually crying, and Bucky looked shaken.

“What happened?” he asked, worried. 

“She went to walk forward, and her legs just folded under her. She smacked her head on the table on the way down,” Bucky explained. 

“Okay,” he said gently.  “Sweetheart,” Clint asked, “More hurt or more scary?”

“It hurts,” she whimpered, reaching for him. Clint took her gently, picking up his phone to alert medical he was bringing them Sierra and explaining what was happening. “Shhh,” he soothed, rubbing her back. 

Bucky didn’t know what to do. So he scooped up the nearest stuffed animal to give her something to squeeze the stuffing out of and followed after.

In medical, they decided to expedite the x rays put Sierra under mild sedation to keep her from moving around too much until they could assess the suspected damage to her little spine. It also helped with the pain. The poor kid was clenching her jaw so hard Bucky could hear her teeth grinding. But as she slid into sleep, it eased up, and thankfully, she wasn’t whimpering anymore. Bucky didn’t know what was worse, hearing Sierra whimper or watching Clint cringe every time. Both felt like someone stabbing him in the chest, and he hated feeling that powerless. 

“Bucky go take a walk,” Clint said kindly, “We’ll be okay for a minute.”

“But-”

“Go,” he said softly, carding fingers through his daughter’s hair, “She’s not going anywhere. And the Imaging hasn’t come back yet. Go stretch your legs.”

Bucky nodded and stood slowly, walking out of the room. But he couldn’t stay gone more than a couple minutes. Too worried to leave them alone for more than a moment or two.

“The first one is the hardest,” Clint said gently, giving Bucky a sympathetic look. “The first time she collapsed, I panicked and called 911. I thought she was dying, and I scared the poor kid so bad she had nightmares about waking up at her own funeral for a second... Which is terrifying on its own to hear from a three-year-old. You’re doing a lot better than I did.”

Bucky blinked at Clint slowly. He’d never thought of Clint having to deal with Sierra’s medical emergencies on his own. For a second, he’d thought Clint’s first question is “More hurt or More Scary?” had been a little callous. But the longer he listened to Clint give doctors a detailed medical history and advocate for her, the less sure he was about that. He realized now that it was him trying to figure out if this was an emergency or if he could hand her an icepack and put her to bed.

Clint kissed her hand tenderly and glanced towards the monitor, nodding, satisfied that for now, she was doing okay. 

“How do you keep all of her stuff straight?” Bucky asked.

“I keep files,” Clint answered, “Have done for years. Every operation, medical note, check-up, allergy... whatever it is.”

Bucky nods, a little impressed, “What is she allergic to?”

“Artificial sweeteners and blueberries,” he answers, “Neither is deadly, but blueberries give her hives, and Artificial Sweeteners give her migraines... And that’s why she can’t have gum.”

“I always assumed it got stuck in her hair once.”

“Nope,” Clint said, “But those stupid wax soda bottle candy things are a lifesaver. I gave her gum on an airplane once taking her back to her mom, and oh my god. Toddlers with migraines are hell. Pure hell. She was in pain and told me her head hurt but like... What three year old can articulate, “dad, you idiot I have a migraine”? I mean- She probably could have if she knew the words but... Yeah. Never again.”

Bucky snorted, “Good to know,” he said.

“Yeah.”

“Mr. Barton?” a Doctor said, knocking on the door.

Clint jerks to attention and stands up, shaking the woman’s hand, “Please tell me this isn’t that serious.” 

She smiles a little, “Not... Not yet,” she said, carefully putting the x rays up to show him, “The impact on the ground is basically breaking her spine, and it’s already working on her hips.”

Clint looks up at the x-ray and gets a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, “So what do we do?” he asked. 

“Don’t let her fall,” she said sadly, “Otherwise? Preventative maintenance. Lots of low impacts exercise to help keep her weight managed. Leg braces as often as you can.”

Clint exhaled slowly, “What about her legs collapsing?”

“That,” she said, “We’re going to need an MRI for. It might be neurological. She might have something abnormal happening. An MRI might give us a starting point.”

“Abnormal? Like a tumor?” Clint asked, looking for clarification. 

“Not necessarily,” she said, trying not to alarm him. 

Clint nodded and looked back towards the bed, swallowing hard. “When do they want the MRI?” he asked. 

“You can take her home tonight,” she said, “Put her to bed. We’ll get it tomorrow.”

The archer nodded and took a deep breath, “Good,” he said, “It’ll give me time to contact her mom.”

The doctor nodded and shook his hand again, “Of course,” she said, “If you can, keep her home tomorrow. Give the inflammation in her hips some time to go down. I’ll have nursing call you and tell you when to bring her back.”

____________

“Bucky?” Clint asked in the dark of the bedroom.

“Yeah?” he answered, rubbing the back of his lover’s neck.

“What am I gonna do?” he asked.

“You’re gonna love her,” he answered gently, “And you’re not gonna worry. Not yet.”

Clint made a soft unhappy sound and all Bucky could do was hold him a little closer. 

[effortlessly-bored]

The Bucket List - Michael Gray

Chapter 1 l Chapter 2 l Chapter 3

After her meeting with Thomas, Emma had felt particularly triumphant; so, she decided to buy herself a new pair of shoes. They were black leather with a small heel and laces. The woman at the shop had promised her that they would last in Birmingham. Emma begged her neighbour to let her use the phone to call her dad, her nerves amplifying her homesickness. It was a short but sweet conversation, mostly it was just her dad telling her how proud he was. Emma worried about her father a lot, he was different since her mother passed. Emma’s father sounded slightly rushed on the phone like he had somewhere important to be; which was unusual for him.

The rest of her evening consisted of two hours at the Garrison before Harry told her to go home and have a good night's rest before her first day. Emma made herself stew for dinner. It took her thirty minutes to pick and iron her outfit for the next day. Emma made sure everything was ready to go the next morning before she went to bed that night. She didn’t actually fall asleep till the early morning, to unsure and nervous about what the next day would hold for her with both school and Michael.

Meanwhile, Michael was a frantic mess trying to get everything ready to impress Emma the next day. As soon as she left his office he ran into Tommy’s, begging to let him borrow his cousin’s brand new Rolls Royce. After Tommy agreed, Michael ran home to try and find the perfect outfit. He knew she didn’t like his super flashy suits and he wanted to try and play it cool so he chose a more casual choice. Mickey dug through his drawers until he found his favourite tie (it was a colour that Emma had said, and he quotes, “looks super” on him). He took a quick bath and set his alarm for six the next morning, wanting to be ready for everything. Michael didn’t fall asleep till the early morning; to excited to do right by Emma and anxious to see if they could go back to what they once were to relax.

Michael was outside of Emma’s flat fifteen minutes early. He had run to the bakery before arriving, picking up some pastries for her. Emma never ate breakfast. Mickey made sure he looked okay in the side mirror of the car and checked his watch.

He only waited a few minutes before Emma came out. She had a bright smile on her face as did Michael. He recognized the dress she was wearing, it was a blue button-up on top and a navy skirt. She had a beautiful pair of brand new shoes on and half her hair was pinned up.

The first thing Emma noticed was his tie, it was a dark red and brought out his eyes. His suit was more casual and relaxed, making Emma slightly less anxious.

“I like your tie, brings out your eyes,” Emma spoke.

“Thanks, your shoes look nice,” Michael said stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Really? You don’t think they’re too manly?” They were rather masculine.

Michael scoffed, “No! They’re nice, strong, and they’ll last you. Perfect for you.”

There was a short pause. “Is this really your car?”

“Yeah, um, well… no.” Michael finally admits. “I have a car, an Aston actually, but when you said you’d never been in one before, I asked Tommy to borrow this one. He only bought it a month ago.”

Emma walked around the vehicle in pure astonishment, Michael following close behind. Michael opened the door for Emma to get in. He quickly jogged around the front of the car, hopping into the driver’s seat. “Those are for you,” Michael said, pointing to the pastries.

“You didn’t have to do that, Michael.” Emma sighed. She had a sneaking suspicion he was trying very hard to impress her; he even wore his hair her favourite way. The pastries did smell fantastic.

“Please, I know you never eat breakfast; and you need to keep your strength up for today,” Michael explained, starting the engine.

Emma begrudgingly took one, surprised he remembered so many little details about her. It was delicious.

“So, how much does your mother hate me?” Emma asked, after she finished chewing in an attempt to avoid silence.

“Michael let out a slight laugh. “I wouldn’t know, she left to visit my cousin, Ada, in London after she saw me yesterday.”

“Jesus, how many cousins do you have?”

“Ada’s the last one. You’d like her though, she’s a bit of a suffragette like you. She’s got a son, Carl; cute kid.” Michael took his eyes off the road for a second to look at Emma. She looked like joy; smiling wide, eyes bright and sparkly. Her cheeks were flushed and there was a small piece of pastry by the side of her mouth. Nevertheless, she was unabashed and visibly excited.

“Did you end up writing your mum… your adoptive one?”

“No, I haven’t been able to yet. But I looked at the photo, framed it even. The boys look great; tall and buff. They look so grown up.”

“Yeah, James grew a full foot one summer. He’s planning to on going to uni, you know? Wants to be an animal doctor.”

“What about Paul?”

“Last time I saw him he was alright. Got into some trouble at school after you left, but he’s alright now.”

Mikey gave a short grunt before the conversation went into a slough.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Anything, always,” Michael replied, turning a corner.

“Why do you hate George Palmroy so much? I just, I’ve been thinking about it and for the life of me I can’t remember a time when you two were civil to each other.”

“Oh, you don’t wanna know about that…”

“Yeah, I really do, Michael.”

“You sure? It was really nothing I swear.”

“Michael, if it was just nothing you wouldn’t be this defensive. Just tell me for God sakes.”

Michael sighed before he said, “Ok fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Do you remember when we were young and your grandparents came to visit and they gave you a dreidel?”

Emma almost never talked about her mother’s heritage. It wasn’t that she was ashamed, she just knew that her mother didn’t like to talk about it. Both of Emma’s grandparents on her mum’s side were Jewish, technically making Emma half. Her mother was never very devout, and when she married Emma’s father she found it was easier to just go to church instead of dealing with the judgment of people in the countryside. Emma’s Bubbe and Zayde still tried to teach her a few things before they passed away.

“Yeah, they were there for Hanukkah.”

“When you brought that dreidel into class, I remember how proud and excited you were about it. And you taught me how to play during break in the courtyard.”

“Yeah, I beat you every time.” Emma teased, smiling fondly at the memory.

“I still think you were cheating.”

“I was not! But, what does this have to do with George?”

“Well, when you went to the washroom George fucking Palmroy came over and started mouthing off to me about you being Jewish.” Michael’s knuckles turned white around the steering wheel as he spoke. “God, I’m so happy you never heard any of it, some of the things he said were just so vile, Em. I kicked the shit out of him for that, wanted to do it every time I saw him since them.” Emma had heard Michael like this before, tense, violent and angry. It usually didn’t last long.

"Thank you,” she squeaked out as Michael composed himself.

Less than a minute later, the Rolls Royce was parked outside ivy-covered gate. It was the first bit of greenery Emma had seen since she moved. Dozens of students were making their way in through the gates, all with a similar air of anxiousness.

It was a weird moment for Michael because he could remember wanting nothing more than being one of those students with Emma. He had imagined them walking through those gates together a million times, and now she was going alone.

Emma was almost wishing he could come with her. The university was feeling more and more daunting by the minute.

“I brought my camera,” Michael said. “ I thought I could take a photo for you to send to your dad.”

“Really? That’s so thoughtful, thank you, Michael.”

“S’no problem.” He mumbled, grabbing the camera from the back seat.

Emma got out of the car, praying that her legs would stop shaking. Michael took a snapshot of her smiling in front of the main gate. He was absolutely sure it would be a beautiful photo.

“What time is your last class?”

“Um, it ends at half-past two.”

“I’ll meet you here then, yeah?”

“Oh, Michael I couldn’t trouble you like that.”

“It’s really no problem, I’ll just take you to the Garrison after.”

“Ok, but promise to figure out how to get here on my own tomorrow. I feel like such a burden.”

“Emma, you have never been and will never be a burden; trust me on that.” Michael answered. “Alright, well I better get going. You’re going to do great today.”

Emma quickly enveloped Michael in a hug, hanging on for dear life. It was the same as every hug they had before, Michael putting his arms around her and Emma resting her head on his shoulder. He rubbed her back gently, trying to calm down the nerves he knew she was having. A small tear went down her cheek.

“Just remember, if anyone tries to fuck with you just tell them you’re part of the Peaky Blinders, yeah?” He whispered in her ear.

Emma let out a small laugh, wiping her tears. “I don’t think telling people I’m part of a gang will get me a lot of friends.”

“Fuck these posh pricks, you have all the friends you need in Small Heath. You’re going to do great, Em, I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you, Michael,” Emma said, waving goodbye as she walked into the school.