#started this list for myself bc i really frankly suck at this

[studentbyday]

cheap and easy ways to romanticize your life ~it's about the little things~

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ speak to yourself lovingly. you have the potential to be your best cheerleader because your mind is the only one you can read. when you find yourself feeling down bc of automatic negative thoughts, try to think of something about the situation that is genuinely good, however small it may feel. on a similar note, every night, try to come with at least 3 good things that happened or that you felt that day. they don't have to be big things. even just the absence of smth negative is a positive. (this is still taking sm practice after getting stuck in a pessimistic habit and struggling to keep myself accountable to change it, but it's so worth it, i promise. 🥲)

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ start your day with music that puts you in the mood to...well, start your day. | personal favorites 🥰 morning coffee lofi • happy morning jazz • cozy jazz for when you don't want to think about anything

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ get cozy. 🧣 hold something soft. 🧸 savor that texture, that comfort.

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ forest bathing 🌲🥰 look out your window or better yet, step outside. breathe the air. get some sunlight. look at the sky. the clouds. trees. stars and moon. all the colors. all the shapes. listen for birdsong. the crunching of snow or grass under your feet. isn't it wonderful that we get to experience all this? when i'm feeling lonely and i step outside and look for any sign of nature, i realize just how much i'm not alone and there is good in the world.

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ set up a nice ambience. there are many for free online that can sound as real and comforting as you want them to be for the days when indoors studying or what have you. study with me videos have literally tricked my brain into feeling like studying even if it's really just pseudo-external accountability (i can never wake up to watch them live lol).

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ you are worth taking care of. so take care of yourself. start with smth really really small like leaving a glass of water by your bedside to drink first thing after waking up. then gradually add in slightly bigger things as you feel ready like taking care of your hair (literally did not know about proper washing technique until i watched this 😵) and skin (bare minimum: cleanser, sunscreen, and moisturizer), getting enough sleep, and exercising. "true self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from."

[pup-in-transit]

Month 10 of The Wait™️ is upon us, but can i really call it "The Wait™️" when in two days I'm flying to Quebec? The wait is over. Pack it in boys, the mission's complete.

All told, from the day i told my GP about my goal it took about one full year to the date of surgery. It's ten months from the "official" start of the wait, which is the day that my surgical assessment was sent in to GRS Montréal. It costs a lot more to go to Montréal than stay in BC, but I have no regrets.

Everything that i need has been purchased days ago. Last thing i picked up were the absorbant pads for dilating on. I mentioned briefly in my shopping list post, but if you pick up XL puppy pads it's cheaper than getting the ones rated for humans. It's precisely the same product too, so honestly it just made the most sense.

Although speaking of costs, I've had the privilege of being able to put some money away. Not including the GoFundMe money (I've used that on my flights already) but including my existing savings, i have about $4,000 to play with. Not bad! I doubt i'll be able to keep that up once home in recovery since medical EI won't exactly let me live the life of luxury, but this way I won't need to take out a bank loan until after everything is said is done. Well ideally i won't need to take out a loan, but if it comes to that it's not gonna be so big of a financial hole.

On the topic of the medical EI, i have the requisite form from my doctor which i've sent to the government already. My employer is processing the document the government needs from them on my behalf.... on March 1st. It's later than i would have liked, but there's nothing i can do about it. Today after work i'll be submitting the EI application, which means it will FINALLY be something i can stop worrying about.

It's... i dunno, it's strange. I don't want to seem melodramatic but it's hard to write this particular post. Throughout this month and last month I've had more second thoughts than at any other point in my life. I think about it in two general modes; Logically and Emotionally.

Logically, the decision makes sense. When i think back to adolescence and my early 20s, i recall all the moments i wished to look different than i do now. All the times i wanted what the girls had as a kid, hoping i contracted testicular cancer as a teenager, my jealously of trans men as a young adult. None of these are cisgender thoughts. Cis men aren't distracted by the presence of their genitals when walking or going about their day, and they certainly don't lay awake a night wanting to be AFAB so they could transition and be a man with a vagina. There's scores of evidence suggesting that this isn't a kink or a passing phase. Logically, it makes sense that having a vagina is the correct choice based on everything i've experienced up until this point.

Emotionally, the decision makes me feel good. I'm scared, and frankly it would it be a bad sign if i wasn't, but i'm excited. I'm happy. The logical vein of thinking is retrospective, but the emotional vein is forward thinking. The first few weeks will suck and my crotch will be puffy and in pain, but that will pass. I have an abundant support network which will help me feel less alone during the parts that will really test my resolve. And even though it will not be pretty early on, it will still be mine. I'll see the shapes it'll have and have the mindfulness to know how it'll look fully healed, and when i get dressed in the morning there won't be a buldge. When i put on a gaff i like to look at myself in a mirror to see the bulde in my underwear vanish as i put on the garment, and watch as my front flattens out. The feeling when i watch that isn't arousal, it's relief. I'll still feel that relief even early in recovery when the hard part is still underway, and i can imagine how freeing it will feel after the first year and i'm fully healed. Emotionally, having a vagina and the sensations that come with it make feel happy.

So why the second thoughts? It's permanent, that's why. I can know i'm making an informed decision and remind myself i'm not imangining my dysphoria, but at the end of the day there's no going back. There's no trial period, no refunds, no nothing. It's inherently scary. I guess it makes going through with inherently courageous, but i don't feel courageous. I feel small, nervous, like i want to tuck my tail in and slink away before someone notices. But i'm staying true to what will be best for me. I have a choice, and my choice is that i want to do this.

I'm ready.

[that-weird-fandom-girl]

Prompt List And Who I Will Write For

When requesting a oneshot you can but are not required to choose a prompt off this list (which is one of @marauder-exe‘s prompt lists that im using because i physically cant produce prompts lol) and just tell me what character you want it with (i will list characters and ships that i write for at the end)

Send requests here

Angst 

1. “I love you ! Is that what you wanted to hear ?”

2. “I love him/her, and I know that I shouldn’t.”

3. “Can you just shut your mouth ?” 

4. “wHY DO YOU KEEP LYING TO ME ?” 

5.“We both know that I should walk away, but I can’t.” 

6. “Wait, he/she has a girlfriend/boyfriend ?“

7. “I lo—-” “No, please… Don’t say that. You love her/him, not me.”

8.  "Could you just take this pain away ? It hurts, so much… Help me.”

9. “You’re safe here, I got you.”

10. “Don’t ask her out again, please… You’re killing me, every single time you ask that.” 

11. “Look, he/she wants you, just make him/her happy.”

12. “If you go, I’ll know that you never loved me.” 

13. “We never were just friends, and you know it.” “I know it, but you deserve someone better than me.”

14. “SHE WAS CRYING BECAUSE OF YOU!!!” 

15. “You love me like I’m the person who actually deserves your love.” “But you are the only one who deserves it.”

16. “I know for a fact that you’re not “fine”.” 

17. “You’re looking at me like.. you’re disgusted. What did I do? Just tell me what I did, please!” 

18. “What happened between us?” 

19. “Nothing has changed!” “Yes it has, and you know it.”

20. “Love isn’t supposed to hurt this badly.”

21. “You said you needed space. You were 5,000 miles away for a year, and you’re still unsure. I’m starting to think that an entire universe apart wouldn’t be enough space for you.” 

22.“I remember when he/she/they used to look at me that way” 

23. “I want you to list every lie you ever told me. Then I’ll forgive you.”

24. “I don’t hate you. I hate that after all of this, you’re still trying to lie to me”

25. “I can’t keep this secret for you anymore.”

26.. “I’m sorry I’m not what you signed up for.” 

27.“Why she/her/them? It could have been anybody, and you chose to betray me with her/him/them.” 

28. “This will be the last time you lie to me.” 

29.“You never loved me, did you?” 

30. “You made me miserable and I still loved you.” 

31. “Everytime something goes well, I momentarily forget how much I despise you.”

32. “We’re never going to have a happy ending, just remember that.” 

33. “Don’t pretend like you’re not happy to see me like this.” 

34. “Your mind must be a horrible place.” 

35. “Hand me the gun and I’ll kill him myself.” 

36. “And I thought you loved me.” “ And I thought I loved you.” 

37. “ Aren’t you even going to cry?”

38. “I didn’t expect you to wait forever. I just hoped…”

39. “Did you always know that you were going to leave?” 

40.“If you cry, I’ll stay, and if I stay that will just give you another reason to hate me.”

41. “I’m addicted and at this point I don’t think anything could make me stop.” 

42. ”If you wanna know, then ask.” 

43.“You never asked because you knew I wouldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear.” 

44. “We grew apart, and at this point I’m glad.”

45. “Find somebody else to kiss your ass.”

46. “When are you going to stop clawing for something that’s never going to happen?” 

47. “What you’re doing is going to kill you one day.” 

48. “It was easier to believe that the you I knew was dead than deal with the fact that I still have to see you every day.” 

49. “What you’re doing is going to kill you one day.” 

50. “Why do you have tO BE SUCH A HYPOCRITE ALL THE TIME” (this is my prompt bc the numbers were being weird)

Fluff

 51. “You’re hair is really soft after you wash it.” 

52. “Ssh. Stop fussing. I’m just braiding your hair.” 

53. “You smell really nice.” 54. “Would it be all right if I borrowed your sweater? It smells like you.” 

55. “I might have slept with your robe when you were gone.” 

56. “If you steal the blankets, I am going to put my cold feet on you.” 

57. “Here, let’s share the blanket.”

 58. “You’re comfy.” 

59.“You are very endearing when you are half-asleep.” 

60.“But I want to hear you sing.” 

61.“Don’t get up - I’ll do it.”

 62.“Care to give me a back scratch?”

 63.“I think I love you.”

 64.“Your bed head is really cute.”

 65.“How about a kiss?” 

66.“You made this for me?”

 67.Aw, you’re blushing.” 

68. Uh oh, I know that look. What do you want?” 

69. “Let me help you with that.” 

70. “I don’t want to forget this moment.” 

71.“Are you really flirting with me right now?” 

72.“I like the way your hand fits in mine.”

 73.“You have something in your hair, umm… Do you want me to get it out?” 

74.“It’s nice that your voice was the first thing I heard today.” 

75.“This movie is really scary, but you’re into it so I’m trying not to cover my face the whole time, but- WHAT IS THAT?” 

76.“Wait, don’t pull away… Not yet.” 

77.“Half the time I get too embarrassed to say anything” 

78.“No, it’s fine.  I can wait until you’re done talking to them.” 

79.“No, like…. It’s just, I can’t believe you’re actually wearing my clothes.” 

80.“You’re a big piece of inspiration for this, honestly.”

 81.“I’ve been trying to get ready for like an hour and a half, because I know you’re going to look so good and I need to try and match up.”

 82.“I wanted to say “I love you” for the first time without stuttering, but that failed.” 

83.“My friends get so annoyed by how much I talk about how sometimes.” 

84.“No, mom, don’t tell him/her I said that about him/her!” 

85.“I can’t get over how a few months ago I wanted to learn your name and now you’re having breakfast with me in my sweater.” 

86.“ You are so beautiful — So fucking beautiful. “

 87.“And just WHERE do you think you’re putting your hands?” 

88.“Wow, you look even better in the daylight.” 

89.“I don’t remember ever having this many hickeys. But I don’t mind.”

 90.“We could order pizza and just stay like this all day.”

 91.“It was always you.” 

92.I love you in every possible way.” 

93.“I didn’t mean to love you so much.”

 94.“Don’t you hurt a single hair on his/her/their head.” 

95.“Duck, you idiot!” 

96.“Hey. Pal. I’ve got a wand and I’m not afraid to use it.” 

97.“Shh, you’re safe. I won’t let you go.” 

98.“It’s not a double date. We’re just third and fourth wheeling.”

 99.“Look, I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone.”

 100.“I remember practicing how to ask you out in the mirror..” 

Sarcasm 

 101.“Define normal.” 

 102.“Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?”

 103.“Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English.”

 104.“Don’t look for any redeeming qualities. I don’t have any.” 

 105.“It’s amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.” 

106.“I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.”

 107.“And you wonder why you’re still single.” 

108.“Remind me to kill you. Please.” 

 109.“That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think?”

 110.“She’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.” 

 111.“She may seem like lollipops and rainbows but I bet behind close doors she’s latex and whips.” 

112.“If my day gets any worse, I’m asking hell if they’re having an exchange program.”

 113.“Sorry. I don’t speak skank.” 

 114.“My middle finger salutes you.”

115.“I don’t have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.”

 116.Somebody’s cranky.” “Somebody needs to shut up.” 

 117.“Oh darling. Go buy a brain.”

 118.“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

 119.“All due respect, but that’s a bunch of crap.”

 120.“I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence behind.” 

121.“Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.”

 122.“What did I tell you about calling her/him the devil?” “That it’s offensive to the devil?”

 123.“I heard that!” “You were supposed to!” 

124.“I need therapy after this.” 

 125.“You didn’t get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.” 

 126.“I turned out liking you a lot more that I originally planned.” 

 127.“I think you’re weird.” “I think you’re boring.” 

 128.“I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…” “A dangerous pastime.” 

129.“Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.” 

130.“I’m gonna hit you so hard, it’ll make you ancestors dizzy.” 

 131.“Sarcasm is the body’s natural reaction to stupidity.” 

 132.“Well, excuse me, psychic wonder!” 

 133.“Don’t look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.” 

 134.“She’s hot, but she’s evil.” 

 135.“Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”

 136.“I already know that I’m going to hell. At this point it’s really go big or go home.”

 137.“I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a damsel doing damage.” 

 138.“So stick that in your juice box and suck it.

” 139.“Never take life seriously. No one ever comes out alive anyway.”

 140.“Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.” 

141.“Why should we date?” “Because we are attracted to each other.” “I am attracted to pie, but I do not feel the need to date pie.” 

 142.“Neither one us is drunk enough for this conversation.” 

 143.“You’re questioning my methods.” “I’m not questioning it, I’m saying it’s stupid.” 

 144.“Wow, somebody needs a Happy Meal.” 

 145.“I didn’t do it!” “Then why are you laughing?” “Because whoever did it is a freaking genius.” 

 146.“Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots.”

 147.“You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.

 148.“Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.”

 149.“Rule number one: don’t bother sucking up. I already hate you, that’s not going to change.” 

 150.“You make no sense to me.” “Welcome to my life.” 

 Drama

 151.“Can you stop thinking about yourself for once?” 

152.“Can you stop thinking about yourself for once?” 

 153.“Don’t think I forgot about what you did last time.”

 154.“I know you lied to me.” 

155.“I’m not even sorry.” 

156.“You backstabber!” 

 157.“I never want to see you again.”

 158.“You never mattered to me.” 

159.“I knew this was a bad idea.” 

160.“Rot in hell.” 

161.“It was supposed to be a secret!” 1

62.“No one loves me.” 

 163.“He/she/they is/are so petty…” 

164.“You made me cry.” 

 165.“I don’t know who you are anymore.” 

166.“How DARE you?!”

 167.“I know you’re not talking to me…” 

168.“I SAW you with him/her/them!” 

169.“Just leave me alone.” 

170.“What did you do?!” 

171.“I told everyone that I didn’t want to talk but I’m actually dying for attention.”

 172. “Just admit that was extra…”

 173.“I forgive, but I don’t forget.” 

174.“Did you see what he/she/they was/were wearing?”

 175.“So what if I had sex with your ex?” 

176.“There’s something I have to tell you…” 

177.“I can’t do this anymore.” 

178.“You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.” 

179.“I never loved you.” 

180.“It’s too late.” 

181.“Quit ignoring me.” 

182. “Don’t you get it? It’s because I love you!” 

183.“I love you. I’m sorry.”

 184.“I don’t want to be friends.” 

185.“Can we please pretend I never said that?” 

186.“Friendzoned again.”

187.“You should’ve loved me when you had the chance.” 

188.“Fuck you for toying with my emotions like that.” 

189.“I was there for you when no one else was!” 

190.“Alright – I can tell a ‘no’ when I hear it.” 

191.“I’m sorry I acted so creepy.” 

192.“Fuck. It’s like what they say – nice guys finish last…” 

193.“I’m tired of keeping this secret. Even if you don’t love me back.” 

194. “I knew that’d be your answer. That’s why I never told you before.” 

195.“When I said I loved you, I meant it.” 

196.“Is there any part of you, deep down, that might love me back?” 

197.“You were the one that left all those notes for me?” 

198.“You’re in a relationship with another person – you know this can’t end well.” 199.“We agreed this was just physical!”

 200.“I love you. I know you don’t love me, so don’t say it back.” 

Characters/people i write for 

Marvel

Steve rogers 

Clint Barton

Scott Lang

Tony Stark

Sam Wilson 

Thor Odinson 

Loki Laufeyson 

Bucky Barnes 

Peter Quill

Peter Parker

Pietro Maximoff

Bruce Banner 

Stucky (ship)

Criminal Minds

Spencer Reid

Derek Morgan

Aaron Hotchner 

Greys Anatomy 

Alex Karev

Mark Sloan 

Andrew Deluca 

Actors

Matthew Gray Gubler

Chris Evans 

Tom Holland 

Tom Hiddleston 

Johnny Depp 

Jensen Ackles

Sebastian Stan 

Daveed Diggs

Colin O’Donoughue 

Once Upon A Time

Killian Jones 

Jefferson 

Harry Potter

Fred Weasley 

Sirius Black 

Remus Lupin 

Draco Malfoy 

James Potter

 wolfstar (ship)

Miscellaneous

Steven Hyde (That 70s Show) 

Jack Sparrow (Pirates Of The Caribbean)

Dean Winchester (Supernatural) 

[littlemulattokitten]

Dating App Conundrums

Alright so I’ve been planning to do this for a while, and may make a thing out of it just to chronicle the adventure from single to hopefully not, but who knows. 

Basically I decided to research a few dating apps and try them out, since I’m the type of person who’s content to stay home, but also only likes going out with a friend or small group (not alone) - therefore my chances of meeting people are probably in the negatives without dating services like the ones I’m currently on.

This post will probably end up being both a review of some of these apps as well as a master shitpost detailing the adventures of a straight female attempting to find a straight male to date online. And I know Tumblr well enough that at least half the people who read this will have yet another reason to be proud of their not straight orientation. Because good fucking lord the nonsense I’ve seen.

Storytime begins below the cut. This isn’t going to be short. That’s your warning. It will probably be funny at some points though. It’s funny to live it, at least. And I may break it into parts, Idk yet.

Let’s get a few things out of the way first.

Until this experiment, I’d never used dating apps ever. I knew of them. Hated them on principle (dislike them even more now, but we’ll get into that later) and wanted nothing to do with them. I knew a few people who were happily married to a Match.com or OKCupid match but aside from that – I’d never even downloaded Tinder like everyone else I knew in HS and college.

I haven’t actually dated anyone since my first semester of college. On purpose. I broke off my engagement to my elementary school sweetheart (thankfully we are still good friends and our friendship recovered from that near disaster) and I just wanted to focus on myself for a while.

The small handful of relationships I have had that lasted longer than 6 months taught me a lot about what I want in my ideal mate. The one or two less-than-6-months-barely-relationships I had in high school taught me A LOT about what I will never put up with from people.

My “type” isn’t reflective of my dating history. I’ve gotten to the point with these apps where I’m combining their shallow-indorsing metrics with my own personal preferences. Basically going through an aesthetic checklist then scanning through their profile to see if the actual person is equally pretty.

Spoiler, I have to swipe left A LOT.

I’m a very particular person. I’m very introverted and I hate when someone makes conversation harder than it has to be. I can hold a conversation. I just refuse to be the only one putting effort into it. (This makes more sense later)

I’m beyond fed up with dating app culture but my perfect or close enough to perfect guy has gotta exist so most of my accounts will remain I fucking guess.

I’m not necessarily looking for Mr. Forever. I’ll gladly keep him if I find him, but I’m also not looking for a relationship that I know will be temporary. I don’t do things by halves. I want something solid, whether it lasts forever or not depends on a lot of things.

I CAN’T EMOTIONALLY MULTITASK. I can really only give one person my full interest and attention at a time, which doesn’t bode well for these apps bc you gotta be able to bounce form one to the next no matter how excited you were about someone. These apps fucking suck.

Okay. Now let’s begin properly.

I started with Bumble. Yes. I know. Introverted female starting on a dating app that requires her to make the first move. That can’t go badly right.

I damn near have a panic attack every time I get a match I stg. Anyway.

I was skeptical at first. I’m not huge on people knowing a lot about me from the outset (or I wasn’t - i give so much less of a fuck now bc it makes almost no difference on these things) so my profile was pretty threadbare and cold. Now, a few weeks later, my profile is an efficient snapshot with a splash of Slytherin “Don’t fucking test me.”

Did I mention I’m an INTJ Scorpio? Yeah my entire approach is gonna scream that and my Hogwarts house, just you wait.

Round 1 ~ Bumble 🐝🍯

Okay so Bumble is interesting. For those who don’t know, it’s basically Beehive-Themed Tinder except for heterosexual couples, the lady has to initiate conversation. (Either party in a same sex match can message first) She has 24 hours from the point where her and a fella have “matched” to do so, then he has 24 hours to respond and seal the match – ending the time limits.

Bumble also gives you a rough estimate of how far away someone is sometimes. I’ve read articles about how bumble’s location estimate feature has ruined relationships forged through bumble and generally turned women into paranoid psychos over matches. Can. Fucking. Confirm. It’s the most annoying thing ever. Why?

Android vs Apple. That’s literally why.

The way Bumble’s location service is supposed to work is that everytime you open the app, it updates your location based on your phone or computer’s location. As far as I can tell, that’s exactly how it works on my android phone.

Apple users. Y’all are a problem. Not because I give a shit about your iPhone, I don’t give a shit do you ffs, but IOS location permissions can allow apps to update your location without the app being open.

Reread that for me.

Without. The app. Being. Open.

Which basically means if you match checks your profile, they can tell whether you’re where you were when they swiped right (say, 26 miles away) versus, oh idfk, a whole state or two away.

Real specific example I know. Why? Because I ended up unmatching a guy I REALLY wanted to get to know better because of it.

Though, to be fair, guys are really lax about how they behave on these apps in my opinion, which is a bigger problem than the stupid IOS setting.

Allow me to explain.

Dating App Etiquette 

It barely exists, but it should. Here’s the thing. On these apps, you basically swipe right on a pretty face and left on one you’re not interested in waking up to in the morning or sitting on. I’m only being half funny here. I’m convinced people use dating apps more for hookups than their intended purpose. Which, whatever, but for fuck’s sake make BumbleHookup. There’s BumbleDating, DumbleFriends, and BumbleNetwork or whatever. Just make BumbleDTF so we can filter these people out already.

BACK TO THE SINFULLY ATTRACTIVE AND INTERESTING DUDE I UNMATCHED

I’m still kinda peeved about this. In part at myself, but also just in general.

Most people seem to treat Bumble like Tinder. They don’t fill out their profile hardly at all. Have less than 3 pictures, have pictures that make it unclear who’s profile it is, or – my least favorite thing that is almost 100% regional – THEY REALLY FUCKING THINK A PICTURE OF THEM IN SUNGLASSES HOLDING A FUCKING FISH THEY JUST CAUGHT IS ATTRACTIVE. IT IS NOT. THAT’S NOT WHAT THE PICTURES ARE FOR. JUST SAY YOU LIKE TO FISH IN YOUR FUCKING PROFILE BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO LOOK AT ONE MORE MOTHER FUCKING FISH-

I’ve seen a lot of fish in the last few weeks. Like. So many that I’m basically auto swiping left if someone’s profile has less than 4 pictures and one or more contains a stupid fucking fish.

LOOK AT MY FUCKING USERNAME. LITTLEMULATTOKITTEN. IF A SELF-IDENTIFYING CAT TRAPPED IN A HUMANS BODY SAYS THERE’S TOO MANY FUCKING FISH – THERE ARE TOO MANY MOTHER FUCKING FISH.

I can guarantee this won’t be my last fish rant. You don’t understand how many fucking fish I’ve seen.

BUT THIS GUY DIDN’T HAVE ANY FISH IN HIS PROFILE.

So he already had my fucking attention. He was also startlingly handsome – not in a oh you exist off puss and nothing else there’s no other way someone as pretty as you with a penis could exist – but like “Oh. I’d…really like to look at that forever and sit on it if you’ll let me please.”

NOT ONLY DID I FIND HIM THAT ATTRACTIVE BUT HE SWIPED RIGHT ON ME TOO AND READ ENOUGH OF MY PROFILE TO ASK ME A QUESTION FROM THE LOWER HALF OF IT.

I was freaking the fuck out excited.

And frankly the odds of him seeing this are so fucking low that I’ll go ahead and tell you some specifics about the short convo we had, but nothing that could lead anyone back to him obviously.

He’d lived in my home state. First thing he asked was which city I was from. Then he guessed, claiming that guess was based off a beanie I was wearing in my second to last (I think) image available on my profile.

He’d lived in my home CITY. Which means he was familiar with the CULTURE. And would probably GET ME MORE THAN MOST GUYS IN MY AREA.

He worked in an industry/field I knew about and had almost gone into myself.

He was so fucking attractive. I have yet to come across someone who checked ever preliminary shallow box on my want list.

Biceps. Listen. We’re all a little shallow. Biceps do to me what ass and tiddy do to some guys. It’s one of the few really fucking strong visual things I have, followed by dark hair and blue eyes. But he was something of a gym rat, for sure, and I’d gladly torture myself at the gym if that man was going to be in my line of sight at all during the process.

Seriously. I’ve never seen someone who didn’t look like they had to be famous or an alien that made me go “He’s so pretty I want to cry.” EVER. I WANT TO CRY THINKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT MATCHED ANYMORE.

And last but not least – like almost every fucking match I’ve ever made, I could count his replies on one hand before he went radio silent.

So, how does this relate to that location issue, you may ask.

Because I didn’t fucking know that Bumble could update your location on some devices without you opening the app.

There’s no online/activity indicator for Bumble except their location updating. Which, when you’re really excited to get to know someone and they suddenly vanish, but they’re more likely than not still online, you might start to feel like you’ve been put on hold.

Life stuff, yes, makes sense, I get it. But these apps have push notifications (which can be buggy) and if you’ve matched with someone, odds are you’re interested enough to check back on occasion (unless you aren’t). So it quickly became a worry game.

Because, like I said, I can’t just say “I’m excited about you, but I’ll keep browsing”. I don’t work that way. Unless I’m not excited about someone, then yeah I’ll keep scatter-shotting. But if I’m not excited to get to know someone why the fuck would I swipe right.

Anyway. After a few days of silence, I was disappointed and getting bitter and the few proverbial bones I’d thrown him had gone unanswered. I knew I was overthinking it and letting my own insecurities get to me a bit, but at the end of the day, there’s a few general courtesies that should exist in online dating culture that don’t.

Why people are afraid or hesitant to say they’re too busy to respond much in their profiles is beyond me. Some guys have the right idea announcing that they’re bad at checking the app and offering their snapchat or telling matches to ask for it.

But even if you’re testing the waters with another match, we’re all on this app for the same fucking reason. Say so. I’m not the kind of person who will need to, because I don’t operate that way on these apps, but I would. Because if that person is really bothered by you finding out if you’re more compatible with someone you matched with prior to them, that tells you something about them.

Would I have been disappointed if that had been the case with this guy? Yeah, kinda. I probably would have felt like his second choice at best, even if he’d come back to chatting with me. But that’s how these fucking apps are designed. Buckle up or unmatch. Fuck your emotions and self-esteem.

I unmatched for my sanity, because that happened a few days into this whole experiment and I wasn’t on any other sites yet. I wasn’t really prepared to deal with this whole thing yet and I didn’t know what to expect. I felt like shit and decided that if he showed up in my feed again, maybe I’d super swipe him (paid extra special right swipe that tells them you REALLY like their face and whatever) but I still don’t know what I’ll do if he does. 

Lowkey hoping it was all a misunderstanding and whatever but like, not at all holding out for that because what are the fucking odds.

And again, my disappointment stems mostly from the fact that I was really excited to get to know him. The idea of finding someone on this stupid app in less than a week who wasn’t forcing his fish pictures in my face, would absolutely be the type of person to encourage my own wellness goals, and who was obviously smart because of his career path, was such an exciting thought. If we’d hit it off and gotten along really well, I’d have been so many levels of shocked and overwhelmingly happy that I just don’t know what I’d do.

When someone who looks like they’re 100% your type actually reads your profile and swipes right – you get excited. I was really excited. I’m still a little sad/disappointed, but I’m basically over it.

Other Misc. Things I’ve Learned On Bumble and other Dating Apps As a Relationship Seeking User

Take every profile with a grain of salt unless it’s so blatantly straightforward. And then still toss a pinch in.

The pretty pretty pretty buff boys who look like their players but their profiles claim they want a relationship? Odds are still players. They will try to convince you there’s 10 inches in their pants. They clearly aren’t smart enough to know that’s biologically uncomfortable for females and the best way to end up in the emergency room with a ruined cervix so don’t even swipe right. They’ll just ask for nudes.

People who use dating sites have some odd, hive mind fixation with The Office.

“Jim looking for his Pam” is in most profiles. I’m not sure why. References to The Office or mentions of The Office are about as common as all the stupid fucking fish.

I live in the wrong part of the country to find guys I’m actually going to share interests with. Just wait until I tell you about my experience so far on OK Cupid. I literally won’t find anyone where I live unless they’re from somewhere culturally similar to where I was born and are willing to move back with me. Because I am not fucking staying in the land of the god damn fish forever.

Most people don’t look at religion and politics like I do. Which is “You do you, I’ll do me, we won’t talk about it and we can peacefully do each other.” I don’t fucking care if your politics contradict mine if that’s the only thing we have not in common. Just make it a blacklisted subject and don’t let one frankly insignificant difference of opinion ruin an entire relationship or potential relationship. And same with religion. I’m not even a little religious. I don’t care if my future husband is unless it’s in my face constantly, he tries to “convert me”, get me to go to church with him, or some other blatant disrespect of my own religious standing. You worship whatever you want. I’ll right fanfiction about magic demon princes fucking their human-born demon queen every which way to Sunday. If religion is that big of a fucking deal for you, be upfront about it. Most people are in their bios. Either way, I’m really fucking sick of people who put too much weight into these two things like they actually decide how compatible you are with someone unless you let them.

I fucking hate fish.

Dating apps need more filters and ways to narrow down searches. 90% of the filters already present are shallow as all hell. What’s a few more.

Primarily let me filter out a few NAMES. This sounds super picky, but I have a really big family. 7 uncles. Over 20 cousins including the few cousins of mine who have kids. There’s a few names that would just be weird and awkward for me to associate with a significant other. If I could filter out my stepdad’s first name (which is disgustingly common but still), my biological father’s name, and a few of my uncle’s names, that’d be fucking swell. You already let me filter by religion and race. Let me filter out some fucking names damnit.

And there have to be people who have traumatic associations with names too like?????

The Office is a funny, good show and all but WHY IS EVERYONE ON THESE APPS FUCKING OBSESSED WITH IT THE WAY I’M OBSESSED WITH HARRY POTTER. I’VE SEEN IT. IT’S NOT **THAT** FUCKING FUNNY. SOMEONE EXPLAIN.

YOU HOLDING A DEAD FISH ISN’T FUCKING ATTRACTIVE SIR. THIS ISN’T THE SHAPE OF WATER. SHOW ME YOUR FACE NOT YOUR FISH.

The dating apps that are probably actually worth using all require a paid subscription.

There’s no real way to advertise that you find sex and physical intimacy very important in a relationship without making yourself sound like a cock-thirsty whore. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, you do you, but I’m looking for someone to be a slut FOR, I’m not one already and I dislike not being able to be upfront about that without being profiled or attracting fuckboys.

WHY CAN I NOT FILTER OUT PROFILES THAT CONTAIN IMAGES OF FISH

STOP WITH THE FUCKING FISH COUNTRY BOYS. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR SOMEONE TO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR TACKLEBOX? AND DON’T TELL ME THAT’S THE SAME THING, MY FAMILY IS COUNTRY. IT AIN’T THE SAME FUCKING THING. ALL THAT FISH TELLS ME IS THAT YOU’RE PROBABLY COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING.

Judging by the few fish-fucks with their profiles filled out at all – they’re compensating for personality.

With how shallow the filters on these sites are, just go ahead and fucking add eye color, hair, etc. Seriously. If you’re gonna let me be shallow enough to only pick men of a certain ethnicity, and religion, you may as fucking well let me see if I can find a guy with blue eyes, biceps, dark hair, non religious, who doesn’t want kids without reading every fucking profile I come across.

There are way more guys on these sites who want or think they want children some day. This baffles me. But then again my primary reason for not wanting children is pregnancy and giving birth which wouldn’t be their problem so of course they want them.

I just need to auto left-swipe if I see a fish. These apps are shallow anyway. Do not make a fucking fishing joke just because I said shallow.

OK Cupid has a better matching system than Bumble and such, but it’s still irritating as all hell. You can’t choose question categories that are more important. So if I see a 91% match, but he has no sex questions filled out or our sexual compatibility is like…50%...that’s not REALLY a 91% match for me. Let me mark 2 or 3 question categories as priority for fucks sake.

The bulk of guys on these apps fall into 2 categories (for me anyway) – Not enough giveadamn to explain their presence on the site & thank u, next.

Online dating is disappointing as fuck.

I’m seriously going to lose my mind if I can’t get away from the fucking fish pictures. ENOUGH. I GET IT. I NEED TO MOVE.

Seriously – I. Need. To. Move. Back. Home. I am not meant for this part of the country. These good ole boys are meant for someone but it ain’t me and my family is fucking country. I’ve been fishing, ridden 4-wheelers, made shit out of wood for shits and giggles, helped my grandparents in the garden, eaten deer my grandfather or uncles hunted and prepared, helped chop wood, ridden in the bed of a truck, etc etc etc. But ya bitch has lifestyle goals that only include mud at scheduled times. We can go camping, but we should also go out to dinner sometimes and go clubbing or dancing other times.

I was not born with this ass to settle for a man who looks like an angel and acts like one too. Why is no one non-ironically blunt about their sexual preferences?  You cannot convince me that the majority of men lack strong opinions on this subject. SERIOUSLY. IT IS 2019 NOT 1619. God DAMNIT. You’re on a DATING SITE. THAT’S AN ASPECT OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT CAN MAKE OR BREAK THEM. BE STRAIGHTFORWARD.

It’s not even actually about sharing every interest. I don’t give a shit if he doesn’t like Harry Potter much. If he’s annoyed by the level I like it, yeah that’s an issue. Otherwise, be supportive and kind about that kinda shit. That’s all I’m asking for. That’s how I am in return.

I make shit with yarn, write off the wall fanfiction, have a lot of sexual interests I don’t usually broadcast, and don’t understand how dating sites are still this ineffective in 2019.

This is super long already so I’m gonna save the other apps for a separate installment if this one is enjoyed or whatever. Jesus. These apps, guys.

Apps I still need to talk about that probably won’t require this many words each – Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, OkCupid (OkC might need a few thousand words).

I’ll probably look into some other niche dating sites too because at this point, what the fuck ever - I just wanna meet someone back home or willing to move back home with me who fits some reasonable criteria parameters. And I’m not even as picky as half the profiles I’ve seen, lemme tell ya. I’m just fucking opinionated. And beyond sick of this experiment already.

Sigh.

If I ever see a fish again it’ll be too soon. Bet the first profile picture on my bumble dash later will be another fucking fish though.

Those who expressed interest: @accio-echo  |  @infallibleangel  | @aconitumluparia  and those who liked are my followers so you’ll see it. This post is so long my browser is bugging out with tags or I’d tag you all too.

[tis-i-a-humble-nerd]

well i'd like to know your opinion on kafka's metamorphosis (cause it makes me angry too ?) have a nice day !

omg i’m so sorry i didn’t see this until now! i’m so glad someone else is also angry about metamorphosis. this got really long - like, a mini essay long - so i apologize in advance. also, necessary warning of spoilers under the cut.

let’s preface this by saying i understand that the book is supposed to be a criticism of mindless bureaucracy, i understand that all the things i’m talking about serve a purpose in the novella, and i also don’t have a copy in front of me bc the book i read i borrowed from my teacher.

that being said, here are my (very) strong opinions on franz kafka’s “the metamorphosis”.

right off the bat i’ll say this: it’s weird. it’s so weird! i honestly have no other explanation for this point because it starts weird it ends weird and it’s weird in the middle there’s literally no fucking reprieve from the sheer bizarreness of the story. like, here’s a brief, off-the-top-of-my-head, no-references-whatsoever list of weird things that happen in this book:

it literally fucking starts off with someone waking up as a bug. this seems fine, its a very common (and often effective) tactic to start your story in the middle/very beginning of the action, it gets the reader hooked, it establishes the main conflict right away, yada yada yada. but like, normally the rest of the book serves to explain the purpose of this conflict. NORMALLY there is an explanation SOMEWHERE about the how/why behind the conflict. NORMALLY the “HOW”S and “WHY”S of someone turning into a BUG is not just IGNORED. NORMALLY someone turns into a BUG for and ESTABLISHED PURPOSE that, sure, may be open to interpretation, but has AT LEAST ONE clear, set, definitive EXPLANATION! but does kafka offer any of this? No! why would he? why the FUCK would he think to offer ANY sort of explanation as to why his main character has been turned into a bug???

gregor is like, “y’know, my whole family aside from my sister have so far been unable to understand the messages i’m sending them. maybe, i’m just not being clear enough! maybe the problem is not that i’m a giant fucking bug, but that i’m not expressing myself clearly! i know what i’ll do, i’ll try and convince my father that i mean no harm! surely he’ll understand.” he’s literally that dumb. he treats this shit like its totally fine and normal and okay the whole fucking novella and meanwhile his family is acting like normal people would (scared and confused and nice at first but ever quicker getting to their wits end) but gregor is just fucking like “la di da gotta get to work! guess clothing is gonna be tricky but i’m sure i’ll manage! mr manager please i know i’m late but this bug thing is not gonna affect my work at all! father, mother, please let me be a part of the family i don’t understand why you’re reacting so weirdly to this!” dumb man.

let’s gloss over the whole apple-stuck-in-his-back thing cause that’s weird but at least its in the realm of understandable. lets fast-forward right to the part where he hears his sister say “the REAL gregor would leave us as soon as he found out he couldn’t work!” (which, like, is a whole other thing to unpack) and he just, dies. my man literally fucking lays on the floor and dies. theres literally no other way to describe this i swear to god he just,,, dies! thats it! he’s gone! bye bye gregor! i hate it.

the book fucking ends with his parents going “wowie it sure is nice to not have a bug son anymore. hmmm, our daughter sure does look ‘voluptuous’ - maybe we should find her a husband.” and that’s it. that’s the end. no more! what the fuck. 

moreover, gregor acts, through the entire novella, like everything is fine! and maybe this is just because i’m someone who gets easily sucked into books but when i read it i’m going along thinking “la di da everything’s fine” because that’s what gregor’s thinking! and then i put the book down for whatever fucking reason and i realize exactly what a cursed story i’m reading and i get angry about it all over again! this time, with real bonafide feelings of betrayal to season the deal! kafka really gets me every fucking time and i honestly can’t tell if i’m more angry at him or more angry at myself for getting bamboozled over and over again! 

and, finally, for the icing on top of the cake: every single reason i hate this book can be defended as a good, legitimate literary choice. 

every. single. thing. 

gregor being unaffected is a handy way to get right to the point kafka is trying to make! and it adds a nice, thick level of irony to the whole affair! the unexplained transformation leaves it up to interpretation what the real metamorphosis was and offers chances to defend arguments such as:

the always reliable “its about the unquestioned mindlessness of bureaucracy”

the metamorphosis was not, in fact, about gregor, but was about his sister growing up (alternatively: its about his parents)

something symbolic about the death thing that i can’t think of right now

at least like, three other things. i don’t know. i don’t fucking know. i try not to think about this book too hard cause then i get angry and then i start to understand it and then i get angry all over again cause fuck! a book that weird shouldn’t even be in the realm of understandable what the fuck franz!

kafka’s novella is written with obvious purpose and intent, and that shows when you’re actually analyzing his writing, but if you’re just taking a joy ride down acid trip lane there’s so much to unpack about literally every plot point of this book and quite frankly the fact that its actually a very well-written story that really gets kafka’s point across quite well just makes me angrier because i can’t even hate it without thinking “wow, what a good, effective, purposeful book” even though literally nothing in this book has any right to be that good, effective, or purposeful. this links up real hard to the point i made about feeling betrayed by the reality of the story.

anyways this got a lot longer than i expected and i’m very sorry but hopefully this makes up for me taking so long to reply. i hope you’re having a nice day too!

[reds-revenge]

im feeling evil so ALL THE LOCATION ASKS

>:( probably Josie anon, do you know how many times I gotta switch pages now? I’m kidding you’re cool mobile just sucks.

*deep breath* here we go

Amsterdam: yeah, I think so. I’ve always been the weird one, usually in a nice way but I’m still the weird one. I kinda sound like a robot when I’m tired, or trying to accomplish something, and I guess that’s not how all people think?? Anyway.

Athens: ahaha I’m not a perfectionist, I’m the PLATONIC IDEAL OF A PERFECTIONIST. Listen okay I will sink as much time as I need to get it perfect, that’s happening less with the depression bc I just can’t get it up to my standard, I’m trying to make this a Growing Opportunity and learn to set Attainable Goals, but it usually ends with me panicking instead. Ah well

Belgrade: my mother had a loooong list of names and my dad tried to mock them all, they only kept ones that you couldn’t really make weird nicknames for, one of my friends took that as a challenge and called me Kira the Mirra (like mirror) for a year, it was interesting

mom called my kiramodo dragon bc of some noise I made when I was a baby. I thought my name was baby for a while bc they called me Baby Kira my Deara. Then I decided I wasn’t a baby and dubbed myself Kira my Deara the Kid.

Berlin: well for that I’d have to KNOW what I what. I can usually do whatever, but I would really like is absolute certainty about things like do I exist, am I hurting people by existing, etc. and that’s just not something we get in this life. It’s :) so :) fun :) :) :)

Bratislava: it doesn’t have a firm genre, there’s a lot of oddly philosophical themes for something that’s mostly sci fi/ comedy, but there’s also bildungsroman elements bc life amiright, and what’s science besides a mystery?

The protagonist is Done™ with everyone including herself, there’s cephalopods.

Brussels: I’m not fluent in all the languages I borrow from but yeah I do this a lot, I’m a language nerd. I did it more often when I was younger and still liked learning Latin.

Bucharest: NOT ON PURPOSE OKAY, WE’D KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE FIVE SO ALMOST TEN YEARS AT THE TIME, I THOUGHT OF HIM AS MY BROTHER, WHY THE FUCK IS HE WRITING EMO STORIES ABOUT KISSING ME WE WERE S I B L I N G S.

I don’t think of him as family anymore but not bc of the ~*drama*~, I learned some Things and grew Wise. (Well, wisER)

Budapest: maybe, I was five, my love was unrequited. We ended up being friends bc in such a small class whatcha gonna do? We didn’t talk about that fiasco for ten years, turns out that whole declaring my love to the class thing was pretty awkward for him. Whoops.

Copenhagen: outside of old, distant relatives, no. I haven’t actually kissed someone romantically before at all, and I don’t have a desire to. I’m not saying I wouldn’t ever someday, I just haven’t sought that kinda thing out.

Dublin: between being a minor and being an obsessive rule follower, that hasn’t happened. I doubt I ever will, losing even the slightest bit of control over myself terrifies me

Helsinki: now this is interesting. I’m guessing this is referring to romantic love, but it doesn’t SAY that.

Look, I wanna be a scientist. Like really really wanna be a scientist, always have, always will. This sounds cliche but I feel like I was made for the sciences, I really do.

but I gotta go with love. Not romantic necessarily, just in general. And this isn’t a “well I’d better choose the Virtuous thing.” Like, I feel made for science, but science doesn’t mean anything if you’re not using it for something. Neither does art for that matter. Idk, but without love–for my family, my friends, for squids, for God–i just don’t see the point of this whole life thing. So yeah, I’m going with love

Kiev: YES AND FRANKLY I’D CHOOSE THE KNIFE EVERY TIME. I’m not gonna tell you EVERYTHING EVER THAT WAS SAID TO ME bc that would take way too long but yes, yes I have even when they weren’t trying to be knife words

Lisbon: I’m honestly not sure, like I like Hamilton’s America but I hate Trump’s, also I’m really drawn to the British isles and honestly France and Polynesia and India and Russia are all cool, so like I don’t feel like I belong but I might not belong anywhere if that makes sense? Idk tbh

Ljubljana: not really, I sound like my mother over the phone and if you look at baby pictures without the hair showing Greta and I get mixed up (not by family by friends) I have kind of distinctive hair, so.

London: Google says this is thinking vs feeling basically so I gotta go sense (thinking)

Luxembourg: I REGRET EVERYTHING and I often regret things deeply, like really stupid things bc of ~*damaging theology*~ but now mostly because ~*Ocd*~ (I think idk I guess maybe knocking that board over really will send me to hell, I’ve been spinning over this for YEARS)

Madrid: ALL THE TALENTS but maybe speaking fluent French, juggling, and playing guitar if you want some specifics

Moscow: No. I mean when else would I do all the thinking? Not during the day when I’m half asleep, surely.

Nicosia: whenever I’m nervous or exhausted which is most of the time now tbh

Oslo: HAhahahahaha this is hilarious. I’d like absolute 100% certainty that everything is 100% okay, always has been, and always will be. I don’t know what okay even is here but I know that 100% certainty does not exist and also everything probably isn’t okay, and EVEN IF I KNEW THIS I would still be nervous for some hellish reason, I don’t think I’ll ever actually have peace of mind :/

Paris: I mean yeah, but not more afraid than I am of most things. I guess I’m more scared I’d mess it up somehow

Podgorica: HELL YEAH. I mean, I’m curious about death and franklyitwouldntbeterribleifigothitbyasnipertomorrow @ the government, but setting that aside I’ve been raised on stories of people dying, dying for good or evil but for what they believe and I was kinda scared when I was little that I’d chicken out and surrender to the fascist government or whatever but I won’t, I’ll just do the thing, follow the rule same as any other. And even if my beliefs are wrong we’re all gonna die anyway, so

Prague: not really, no. I’ve got a good family, a good church for once, I’m heading to running start next year to study what I want, I don’t really have something to be jealous of.

I mean I’d like my brain to work but I’m not *jealous* of people who’s brains do the thing, I’m happy for them I just would like to be like that too

Reykjavik: A TINY FLOATING ISLAND COUNTRY I COULD PARK WHERE I WANTED I MEAN I DOUBT I’M GONNA MOVE PERMANENTLY OUT OF AMERICA BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS HARD AND MY FAMILY’S HERE BUT I DON’T LIKE ABSOLUTE RULES WHERE I DON’T NEED THEM

Riga: I would take as many selfies as I had to to get one I only kinda hate, I would post that one. (Yeah this is specific but I’m waiting for the technicality police over here, I totally would tho I don’t really care)

Rome: yeah but not romantically. I mean this is gonna sound weird I’m sorry but once in a blue moon I get an overwhelming sense of God and His love for me, that sounds cheesy or fake or something but I’m too tired to not be painfully honest rn

Sarajevo: TO INFINITY AND BEYOND. I wouldn’t do whatever they asked me to, I’m not gonna sign my mind over bc they’re human too and not always right and maybe the stakes are high etc, but if they need something I'ma do the thing at any cost of time, resources, sanity, etc. to myself I’ve got no boundaries here

Skopje: I honestly don’t know?? I’ve been called a lot of sweet things by a lot of sweet people and I remember EVERY SINGLE ONE and honestly I don’t think I could choose one, they’re all sweet in different ways, you know?

Sofia: not in a physical way, women are shockingly treated differently from men in Puritainville, but most people were fine with me in general if I didn’t touch certain buttons. Everyone had different buttons but never said what they were until whoops! It was fun :)

Mental health is also a super fun topic in Puritainville if you were wondering, someone told my mom when I first pulled out of school that I didn’t need a doctor, I just needed a book on Grace, because clearly my theology was why I couldn’t talk and slept fifteen hours a day

Also being Anglican was interesting, I tried explaining the whole icon thing and Lent and via media but it fell on deaf ears

I dunno if this is prejudice related or not but some guy called me a Pharisee when I was seven bc I told him off for making it impossible for me to follow the rules, he was trying to make us scared to teach us about God’s grace, you can imagine how well tiny Kira handled that

wow okay well I guess that’s a yes then

Stockholm: UNFORTUNATELY

In middle school everyone wrote stories about their thinly disguised classmates, and then in ninth grade creepy mcbadideas wrote stories about me saving him from his life basically and then him saving me from depression with a kiss, it was weird

and then Mom has used the whole family for story ideas

Tallinn: I can’t recall a rumour I’ve heard about myself, I’m very open. There were certainly rumors about me being ~*liberal*~ but that was actually true so idk.

I’d like to hear some though, I’m so out there already it’s gotta be entertaining

Tirana: no??? I’m honestly not sure what sexy is but everyone else seems to? Mom swears boys look at me–she’s usually telling me how not to die at a bus stop when this comes up– but I don’t notice anything

Valletta: thankfully no, at least not a big one. The worst I’ve injured myself was when I kinda timed a jump over a brick wall wrong and took out a chunk of my shin.

Vienna: I gave this one A LOT OF THOUGHT but I don’t think there’s like one song that totally captures my life, I definitely identify with songs but there’s not one single song in part because I’m still trying to process my life, you know? Fit things into the correct slots. Until I do that–if that’s even possible–i won’t have just one song. Sorry!!

Vilnius: yeah, why not? If it’s not like a permanent thing bc I have issues with permanency then it’d be cool, if only to get another point of reference for how things are done

Warsaw: i AM a depression lol. I thought two years was about as long as major depressive episodes lasted but I guess not, or maybe I was misdiagnosed idk

Zagreb: I’ve certainly given my TRUST to people I shouldn’t have, I’ve given my FRIENDSHIP to people I shouldn’t have, but I don’t think I’ve ever given someone my heart when I shouldn’t have.

Zurich: not at all. It’s a means to an end, you need it for college and food and stuff, but outside of that I really don’t care. I’ve been trying to figure out how we could restructure society without money and keep it fair and not suppress individuality and keep everyone taken care of it’s an interesting thought experimentTHERE I’M DONE I hope you appreciate that that took me a couple HOURS JOSIE I love you but WOW am I glad that’s over

[boyjadzia]

omg sara @shinelikeastarlight tagged me to do this super long tag game hlep

tagging: @void-for-president, @the-alexandrian-alchemist, @starboysisko, @magnmite, @yacobeanreign (of course only if y’all want)

last text sent: "cool [thumbs up emoji]”

list three favourite colours: ???? don’t do this to me

what time did u wake up at today: 11am, it’s reading period don’t judge me what were u doing last night at midnight: playing drunk rock band name something you can’t wait for: this godforsaken quarter to be over when was the last time u saw ur mother: over winter break/new year’s one thing u wish u could change abt ur life: the crippling depression/abandonment issues are getting kinda old, I’d like to feel like I have a stable community/family who love and support me whats getting on ur nerves rn: the discourse favourite tv shows: star trek (all of them but esp DS9), idk I’m sort of obsessed with yuri on ice at the moment, those two are the main ones tbh? first best friend: my girl India who doesn’t have a tumblr but we’ve been best friends since we met on the playground at age 5. our moms are also tight. listening to rn: nothing, the sound of my laptop fan straining to keep my computer from bursting into flame

3 fears: never having a group of people I feel I can call family, never being in love, cavities

4 turn ons: self-awareness/humility, being sensitive about & respectful of my dysphoria, trust/willingness to be vulnerable, being honest & vocal about what you like 4 turn offs: being boring, being insensitive/distant, not being conscientious about how you interact with my body (i.e. assuming you can just treat my body the same way you’d treat a woman’s body and that’s a-ok), heterosexuality of any kind sexual orientation: gay tbh senior year quote in my year book: oh god some generic hillary clinton quote about feminism I don’t even wanna remember it first thing i notice in a person: ?? what they look like? shoe size: 7M/9W (US) eye colour: hazel hair colour: brown favourite item of clothing: probably my leather jacket, close runners up are my high-waisted black jeans that look good with pretty much anything and my crop top that says “I got to second base at Jonah’s bar mitzvah, January 7th 1978″ what colour of underwear i’m wearing rn: blue/brown/white stripes favourite season: whichever one has like 60-70F weather, used to be summer but now that’s spring lol how much time i spent on designing my blog: not much I just picked a theme the reason i joined tumblr: this is pretty sad but... I wanted to make friends do i ever get “good morning” or “goodnight” texts: only if I’m like talking to someone right before going to bed when did i last hold hands: don’t remember how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: depends, anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour have i shaved my legs in the past 3 days: LMAO try the last 4 years where am i rn: on my couch do i like music loud or at a reasonable level: reasonable, loud noises are scary 3 things i love: my friends, dogs, idk earth? how i feel rn: I need to gtf to sleep lol something i rlly, rlly want: to feel like I don’t have to radically change my body to be attractive to the people I want to attract 3 things that upset me: feeling like I’m hurting or burdening other people, straight men trying to hit on me, the persistent feeling that being transmasc somehow makes me a bad person what i find attractive in other ppl: appreciating subjects other than your field of study, confidence, ambition, someone who’s accomplished interesting things in their life, being friendly, genuine & not condescending 3 habits i have: staying in bed all day on days when I don’t have to do anything, only eating part of my lunch during lunch time and eating the rest for dinner, carrying off ridiculous amounts of free food from events something i fantasize abt: feeling comfortable and secure in my attractiveness vis a vis how my body looks, and in my presence in gendered spaces something im talented at: singing, memorization, embarrassing myself the blog i give the most notes to: idk, probably sara tbh last person re-blogged sth from me: I haven’t checked my notifications in a while o_0 do  i smoke/drink: I drink with friends my favourite food: I’m a big fan of things with cheese in them. also guacamole. my favourite dessert: it really depends ugh I guess cake? what i did yesterday: had my last day of classes, went to work, went to an award ceremony/opening gala for an integrated DNA technologies sponsored exhibit at the field museum (it was so fancy I felt so grown up and fancy), went to kat’s birthday party number of kids i want: ???? number of siblings i have: none something thats constantly on my mind: trangst (trans angst)

last person i messaged on tumblr: teddy (void-for-president) can i drive: nope :/ what state or part of the world do i live in: Chicago, from Brooklyn am i in school: 3rd year undergrad do i get grossed out easily: not generally, but certain specific things will do it (ex. dead animals especially FISH) somewhere i would like to visit for a week: hm maybe go back and see Alaska again? check on that mountain biking trail I helped build in 10th grade i’ll love u if: make an effort to spend your free time with me/take the initiative in telling me that you value my being in your life last show i binge-watched: I binged legend of korra over winter break, probably that what words upset me the most: idk I guess people telling me I’m wrong for existing in the spaces that I occupy? what words make me feel best abt myself: when people tell me they value having me in their lives and that I make them feel good about themselves a wish that i’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: that’s not a thing that I do :/ who i would switch lives with for a day: idk maybe someone who’s already gone on T and sings just so I could get a sense of what the voice change is like for a singer? or like. a famous celebrity or something. my favourite ice cream: green tea I think? allergies: minor allergy to raw eggplant I think, every time I eat undercooked eggplant my mouth starts to feel like it’s swelling up, not like my throat is being blocked off but just my mouth starts to hurt quite noticeably sexiest person to come to mind immediately: alskdjfsldk this is really hard uhh uhhh ok see my first thought is like star trek characters but I can’t say that ok let’s go with john boyega he’s gorgeous and seems like a ray of sunshine my childhood career choice: biologist! one of my insecurities: that being transmasc nonbinary and still participating in some women’s spaces/not letting go of some aspects of womanhood makes me a bad person and specifically is harming transfeminine people how many blogs am i following: just over 100 I think how many tabs/different windows do i have open at this very moment: 2 windows, this is the only tab open in this window because my internet sucks and tumblr is a monster website, the other window has 13 tabs coke or pepsi: not super into either, I guess coke although my aunt used to work for pepsi so I should be loyal tea or coffee: tea movie or book: movie probably, I don’t actually read that much it’s embarrassing, although frankly I don’t really watch movies that much either a sense i would be willing to lose: none omg! I guess if I had to pick taste? since taste is mostly smell anyway quote i live by: I don’t really? type of accessory i wear the most: does the leather jacket count? otherwise none last awkward situation i found myself in: I kept trying to pet eva’s dog today but I just ended up scaring her what time is it rn: way too late

a song that made me cry: hallelujah by leonard cohen, not actually, just like made me v emotional (yes I’m thinking abt that yiddish cover) first song u ever sang at karaoke: are we talking like legit karaoke at a karaoke place or like hanging out in my best friend from middle school’s basement singing along with her CD of karaoke tracks for the hottest hits of the mid-2000s bc I don’t remember the former but the latter was definitely sk8r boi

[survivorathena-allstars]

Episode # 12: “I Can’t Shut Up to Save My Life” ~ Dana

i am actually trembling. will is so mad at me but it's okay. this feels okay. I'm literally the biggest rat in this series LMAO fkasdjh fuck I feel so bad for Ali rn but I also am....fkadshf really kinda happy idk. I just know a lot of heat is coming my way and Cameron's idols are going to make me pay for this

Everyone is mad. Everyone is crying. Everyone feels fucked over. But um. Everyone is me merge vote and I am everyone merge vote. So. I guess we’re even.

im so sorry

Hi im drunk and im here to say that I almost cried in the club tonight because of how much i miss Will.   I just feel really alone and I think everyone hates me, especially owen, and im just trying to be friends n have fun and make it to the end of the game and also win is that too much to ask. IDk I played myself.  Also I actually just started crying now writing this yikes. I dont know what to do, I'm never in the minority because usually I just get voted out over all my allies because i'm upsetting. I don't know what to say to people, I don' trust anybody, why is kevin in the game. Does Ashvika actually like me? WHo knows. I'm just happy I wasn't totally blindsided. I knew Will might leave, I knew he was getting votes and I let it happen so I wouldnt get any which makes me a snake ass bitch. I just couldnt believe his vote out stayed so air-tight with the exception of Ashvika letting me know what happened. Idk if this means she wants to work with me, probably not, who would, she didn't respond to my pms after the vote, but i'm trying not to stress. Hopefully I can just continue to be a meme and appear non threatening but I just want some tea im getting thirsty nd also i love to strategize i crave it. Remember... I'm the village idiot? Like I will photoshop as many lizard hidden immunity idols on these people as i need to if these snakos dont vote me out thank u so much. This is the first time in my life where everyone hates me more than I hate myself and i just cannot handle IT. 

I...can't believe that worked??? I can't believe I voted in the majority??? ???????????? I'm really happy about this and I hope the Soup alliance (??? where did soup come from) can stick together even if just for one round. The biggest problem is if Cameron or someone else has an idol. Owen told me an idol had gone missing in one of the areas which means someone has already gotten it so we have to tread very carefully if we don't wanna get fucked.  

I love filming a 30 minute confessional about the game, where I get upset again over Will hating me and crying over how much I love Owen and Emily. I'm a mess sakdjhfa

You know? No matter what I do in this game, I’m going to be deemed a threat. Even if I don’t do shit. Even if I just sit and take orders. Hm. Well. Here’s to proving people right! If anyone’s upset with me, just know that they woke me up! Threat Emily is here and she’s ready to fucking win.

I love Ali. I love that he's such a good friend and that we're so able to move past things like this - I really do want to go far in this game with him. It's what we deserve. Wouldn't it be cute if Owen got 4th again too <3

this would be a better challenge if we could discuss xo but I think like....there isnt any way we shouldnt win unless someone is intentionally messy. two groups of people, four A's and five B's. no matter how it gets cut, whoeveer starts, one A and one B should end up in the final two with three As and four Bs voting, so someone from B SHOULD win, I think. It just alternates who starts each time, A, B, A, B or B, A, B, A, until yeah one from each is left. and it'll be easy to see who a snake is bc we directly see the lists. I'm more worried about Ashvika and Kevin at this point....but oh well. I also need to be on high alert of getting idoled out this round. Cameron is denying that he has two idols which like....yeah I'd way rather have Ashvika or Emily have one and be lying than Cameron have one, but at the same time I'm just gonna like assume  ksadjhf that Cameron has two :) worst case scenario :) so I like?? would think he uses both of them this round maybe unless he is worried more about himself, and also ugh idk like ashvika or kevin could flip or even emily/ali although I think the three of us can trust each other rn. idk yet.

I came in second... again. Woohoo! I love immunity challenges yes I do! :—————) ________________________________________________________________

(This was filmed like 7 hours before the immunity challenge)

The soup alliance is hopefully sticking together!!!! Unfortunately we can't get Cameron out so we're playing some 4d chess mind games tonight. The plan's to vote Ruthie, and then we tell the others...Zach or Cameron, I'm not sure I already forget. Not like they'll approach me about this but you know. My ass will scream if things flip on us because people are rats, double the screaming if it's me who gets flipped on butttt things are looking good so far, but then again I've found that it's when I'm most confident in our plans that I get blindsided. 

Welcome to my roundly long confessionals where I, Zachary rae, gives information on the past few days. Before we begin, I should put a disclaimer - this may be the last one! --- Hello fans! So where do I begin. Last vote Dana and Will called me in paranoia and, frankly, they were right! However, on that call I suggested that if the idea of them having majority (or half; 5) was accurate, we may as well just not split and pray for no idols. Dana didn't like that idea, and in hesitation, asked to split the vote 3-2 and... yeah. Bye Will. I was like crying afterwards though cause I genuinely love him and he's a great person and ugh it sucks cause I really wanted to continue working with him and i'm just so disappointed. Moving forward, I made an alliance of four [Ruthie/Zach/Dana/Cameron], entitled "Will's Puppets".  In this immunity, it's common sense by any mathematical logistics that one person from each "side" will make final two, and one of them five will win immunity. However, Cameron adjusted our views and just saved Ali and maybe it was because they didn't comprehend what a proper strategy was, or perhaps to build bonds with Ali. In the end, I voted (once again, wow) in the minority and for Emily to win immunity, but Ali came out victorious. Good job for him! Going into tribal it's kind of like... there are 5 people on one side, vs us four. Dana and I talked and it's kind of like... we needed a plan. Ideally, everyone knows that Cameron (and Ali) have an idol. They want Cameron out, I believe THAT part of their expression, but they know he isn't easily struck as he's likely playing his idol tonight. Dana and I realized a good way to escape, since it's probably better to take out one of us, is to get in the good graces of Emily and Owen. I like them both as people, I genuinely do, but in this game they are two of the biggest threats to win. What we are suggesting to Owen is that in the event we take out Ruthie this vote, and then Cameron next, it's final 7 and that's when you need to start realizing who you want to be with in the finale. Dana called with Owen for so long suggesting that if me and her are safe (we're trying to separate ourselves slightly but like saying we both think alike), then we can help him take out Emily at 7. He needs the numbers since Emily is a powerful player. I don't know if he sees value in me but hopefully he likes me cause he thinks i'm funny and I love him. I go to Emily and I say that I will make sure Cameron plays his idol as my piece of leverage to keep me safe. They vote out Ruthie, Cameron flushes his idol and goes next, and then it's FFA at final seven, and I think at that time Dana and I are safe for one vote. Do I want to go to the end with Dana though? HELL NO!! Originally I was thinking I would love to sit with Kevin and Ruthie. If Ruthie goes, then I think i'd want to go with Kevin and Ali. Maybe Ashvika but... i'm not sure. She's just so adorable and likeable but she's not playing strategically amazing like other people. Neither am I though so I can't talk. Do I think Emily's being honest with me though when she leaked that "Ruthie's the vote and she wants to clue me in"? Not at all. I would not be surprised if I leave tonight, and she better be able to justify herself when she lies. She's manipulative and a liar (IN A GOOD WAY I STAN!!) but like I don't vote bitterly, I vote who I think I connected with more and played better, and if you can't justify why i'm the good vote this round (which I truthfully disagree i'm a good vote this round), then you ain't getting my vote. I also think if I survive I can easily go final 4/5. Dana's a bigger threat than me, which is my strategy to align with physically bigger threats so i'm able to slide by like a little snake, and say Ruthie/Cameron leave next, then Dana, one of Emily/Owen and Ashvika even are the big threats. I don't see how I will go unless it's final 4/5 but who knows. I'm not being cocky but that's how I see things, and if they let Dana make it further than me, which is possible, i'll be shocked. I really will be. Also can I just say how much I adore Owen. Dana said he talked about how funny I was and he pmed me saying that i'm funny and hilarious and despite the occurrences in this game, he'd love to be friends and I agree. Though this is a message reassuring i'm probably leaving tonight, I adore him and he has my vote 100% if he makes FTC and I leave. I don't want to leave, but that's the fact. Weirdly - well not weirdly but just... I don't know. I'm troll. I'm just trying to play fun but I really don't want to leave tonight like i'll cry. I've had so much fun and i'm not ready to leave and... ugh. I really want to be here and prove myself because I don't think I have and I don't want to see myself as a flop. Not saying 10th+ is a flop, but saying that I haven't done anything or utilized my All Star spot yet, and it's just... ugh. I'm defeated. I hope I can stay to keep going further in this game but... I don't know. I hope this isn't my last confessional. I really hope I get to stay and... elaborate on my amazing gameplay. Joke, of course, but I do hope I get to stay. please!!! :(

This could be my last confessional. When I go home tonight and become the long suffering 4th juror I have waited 8 games and lots of failed strategy to become, I just want to say it’s been a fun game and I genuinely love everyone. Tribal is in 3 hrs and I just don’t know how i’m Voting. The biggest meme of all is that I implicitly trust Owen, who I feel is far and away the best player in this game. I told him I don’t think he can get to the end with goats, because they’ll all flip on him, and I think that’s true. He needs other key players as buffers towards the end. Inevitably when the Emily v. Owen power struggle for power, glory, and stardom breaks out, I’d LOVE to be a spectator still in the game. I will vote how Owen tells me tonight, and even though he has promised me i’m not going home, i’m Not sure he’s in the position to promise that. I just dunno. I had such a good talk with him last night and tbh if nothing else that was amazing jury management. He knows I can’t shut up to save my life, and he just let me talk for hours. So thank u for validating my goblin personality. Also he told me he thought I was smart which honestly... my kink thank u. I also talked to Ali for a while this morning, and he says he’s doing his best to keep me and Cameron safe, I believe it idk. Like why lie to me i’m On the bottom and everyone knows i’m an idol-less sad snake, so like no point tbh. The hardest part about playing with him is that I feel like I want him to succeede more than he wants himself to succeede. Like I can’t want it for you, and had so much to work with, I just wish he would own it. He’s like a defenseless almond and I just want him to be a bad bitch ya know? Finally, I’m trying to play with Ashvika here and use the fact that she game me info last round that I “kept quiet” as a bargaining chip to show I can be trusted. Will Ashvika end up as my target or my closest ally u be the judge. Overall I’m so prepared to get voted out i’ve all but made total peace with it. Hopefully I can push through tonight wih my sparkling personality and some wheeling and dealing. ________________________________________________________________ Owen stopped talking to me about the game which means i’m going home. I love watching my own death occur in real time. 

thanks for reminding me about the way zach pronounces mario. I know what I'm writing on the parchment tonight.

I..... have no idea what's going on tonight.

THAT WASNT MY LAST CONFESSIONAL BECAUSE.. OWEN AND EMILY ARE SNAKES! (mario)

iiiii feel really uneasy about ashvika for some reason??? idk she keeps asking if we're voting for ruthie, so she could be planning to #flip on us which would be a dumb move, or maybe she's just confused and if that's the case then me too. Owen and I kinda talked about this the night before because we know she's somewhat attached to Dana but like we ain't voting Dana so I hope that's not a problem. And I mean we both voted for Ruthie at the Duncan blindside so like??? I hope she wants to do it again?? I just think any of us flipping now especially would be bad for us and for them. I have secure trust in everyone else in this alliance so like...let's make it through please??? If anyone goes home I hope it isn't Emily because I think her vote negator can play an important role in f8, no matter who goes home tonight. Iiiii just don't want things to get fucked up tonight!!! and i haven't talked to anyone from the other side (i mean they could approach me but yknow two way street and all that) and idk if i should??? bc being too pushy and saying oh yeah we're voting cameron could be a big miss steak??? 

I can’t be the only one who sees that Owen is aligned with Cameron right?? I thought I would have been one of his closest allies after the duncan voted but he didn’t save me and later chose to save Cameron over ali even though he’s supposedly in the minority, and now he’s vying not to vote Cameron out? I understand he makes some good points but  it’s sketchy 

im going home bye ________________________________________________________________ I LITERALLY FEEL WHAT IS HAPPENING DSAKSJHF I AM GETTING FLIPPED ON BY EMILY PROBABLY EITHER THAT OR LIKE???? IM GETTING IDOLED TF OUT OF HERE AND I JUST WANNA DIE WHERE IS ALI I NEED TO TALK TO ALI I WAS SUPPOSED TO TALK TO HIM FSDHAFHJ GOD

Day by day, I get closer to voting Kevin as the sole survivor of Athena All-Stars. Congratulations, I played myself, but Kevin played me better. 

ali is rlly acting sketchy why :'( i think I'm going home ugh ________________________________________________________________ I dont think ali will idol me and I want 2 scream dfskajhkdjfhkjsdhfjkhsdkjfhkjsdhfkjds

so I won immunity and literally am confessing at tribal and am a mess

Ruthie becomes the 12th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 5-4 vote, and the 4th member of our jury. You can see Ruthie’s preseason interview here.