#stop posting about among us but not really i've accepted it into my life

[psionicpootis]

This is stupid

[traegorn]

you never read the lilith question from the first edition of lilith magazine you twisted presumptuous fraud and antisemite

So I'm probably giving you more attention than you deserve, but I also hate leaving someone who keeps repeatedly shouting something at me that's so wrong uncorrected.

You brought this up back in September (yes, this has been going on for that long), and at the time I hadn't read it so I assumed it supported your argument. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and trusted that it said what you said.

But here's the thing, I've since read it.

And it doesn't support what you're saying at all.

(Putting the rest under a cut since this gets long...)

So going to the actual piece we have to remember what "Lilith Magazine" is. It's a Jewish Feminist magazine writing primarily for a Jewish audience. Cantor-Zuckoff is talking about how Jewish women may want to look at her story differently. I don't find anything in there arguing for Lilith to be some pan-feminist icon for non-Jewish people. In fact, in the article Cantor-Zuckoff says:

What we have to explore are the uniquely Jewish aspects of the Lilith story, and how they relate to the Jewish experience, to Jewish history. After all, Jews lived among many different peoples and were subject to a bombardment of cultural and religious concepts and myths from all sides. What they accepted is important because it shows us what Jews perceived as necessary and appropriate to Jewish life and its continuity. How they transmuted what they accepted is also significant for this reason. The account of Lilith’s revolt in the Alphabet is, to the best of my knowledge, intrinsically Jewish; no non-Jewish source tells of a female struggle for equality or gives it as a reason for the vengeful behavior of a female demon. This is especially important to us in exploring how the Lilith myth connects with our unique history.

The only comments about universality in the piece are when Cantor-Zuckoff says that there are stories with some similarities in other cultures just prior to those last two paragraphs:

These legends of Lilith-as-demon, the vengeful female witch, are, of course, not unique to Jewish culture and tradition. Many scholars theorize that vengeful female deities or demons, like the Greek hecatae, represent the vestiges of the dying Matriarchy or are an attempt by men to discredit the Matriarchy.

What Cantor-Zuckoff is arguing here is that there are myths in other cultures that have been influenced by patriarchy and serve some similar functions. This is not an argument for other people using Lilith, only that there are elements she shares. To claim they're the same though is bizarre, as you wouldn't claim that, say, Kinich Ahau and Helios are the same god just because they're both associated with the sun.

I think this really goes back to the fact that you've started with a conclusion and just reject anything that contradicts it. You really want it to be true. What I have said from the start is that Lilith is a figure who is unique to Jewish folklore. I backed this up with with the evidence we find in the historical record. I debunked the supposed "non-Jewish Lilith" sources.

And I said listen to Jewish people about what's okay or not okay to use from their culture, as they are a closed ethnoreligion, and not listening to them would make someone an asshole. You've been having a bizarre tantrum at me for like half a year now, and it's getting sad.

I don't know why you seem to care that I, a random person you will never meet, thinks you're being an asshole, but this has to stop.

(Context Note: For anyone who is seeing this post first in this ongoing "conversation" -- this anon has been harassing me for months because I dared say in my podcast that Lilith is a figure who comes exclusively from Jewish folklore, and that members of the Modern Witchcraft Movement should listen to Jewish people when they ask us not to appropriate her. That's right -- my saying "listen to Jewish people" is apparently an antisemitic act.)

[howtofightwrite]

Why don't you just stop responding to the sexists who think women can't fight men???

Three reasons.

One is a little self serving, so let's start with that: Those posts do really well.

I'm not kidding; slapping around MRAs consistently land among our more popular posts. This has certainly been true of our recent posts, but it's a long term factor as well. In fact, Women are not Weaker than Men is the blog's most popular post by a huge margin, (it has somewhere around 24k-25k notes.) (Ironically, our most popular at this moment is the Kim Possible post from a couple weeks ago.)

Second, and this might be surprising, but sometimes they meet our criteria. So, I've talked about this before, but when I'm looking in the inbox, I generally evaluate a question based on it's general applicability, educational value, and its potential for entertainment.

With general applicability, I'm asking myself if the answer will be useful to other people. If the answer to this is no, it's very rare that I'll answer that question. The most common questions that run afoul of this are hyper-specific scenarios, questions about very specific fantasy or alien physiology (if you sent us an ask about your six limbed, arboreal, aliens, I'm sorry, that question is probably not happening.) Even in cases like this, I'll sometimes try to find ways to see if I can offer an answer that will be more broadly useful. Sometimes, you'll see questions where I veer off onto a tangent, or try to drag a larger context out of something, and this would usually be why.

With educational value, I'm asking if I can explain something that most people don't know. This will sometimes override applicability. I'll admit that sometimes I'm a bit too harsh on point, especially if it's something we've covered in the past. I don't want to get into a situation where I'm answering the same topics repeatedly, because I don't want to waste your time, though, thinking about it critically, there's probably a few of these where the answer is old enough that most of our audience didn't catch them the first time. The recent hair whip and knives questions are examples where I reasoned that the previous posts were old enough that fresh answers would be useful again.

The entertainment factor is basically self-explanatory. I don't usually set out with the goal of writing jokes, but if I see the opportunity...

Now, with a lot of these MRA posts, there's some real potential for entertainment right off the top. These tend to be poorly considered arguments, and as a result, tend to be really easy to shoot down. That, in turn, means I've got a lot of room to be particularly snarky, or to ramp the interest in some of the background information.

Third, you need to hear this.

Okay, in this case, it might not be you, per se. However, you need to hear this. It is depressingly common to see authors, even women, buy into the MRA's bullshit. Far too many accept the, “women can't fight,” lie as their truth.

This yields shitty writing.

Far too many authors, when writing their female characters, say, “but mine is different, she can fight.” These authors produce weaker characters, because they take painful, artificial, steps to keep their character from offending these misogynists.

When you step back and say, “my character is a girl, and she can fight because she has superpowers,” you are doing a disservice to your readers. You're perpetuating that myth and reinforcing it. For a new generation of girls, you're telling them that they can't fight, because of a lie you took as fact.

There is a purpose to standing up and saying, “this is wrong,” and detailing the multitude of ways that it simply doesn't mesh with objective reality, but here's one reason you should take with you: Participation.

Make no mistake, the goal of those misogynists is to diminish you, to push you to the side, and squelch your voice. Remember when that anon wrote, “One punch could end your life.” That's not an argument about the ability for men or women to function in combat, that is intended to be threatening. Joke's on them, I'm a guy. But, never forget, the people forwarding these arguments want you to sit down, shut up, and wait meekly, while they decide your life for you. And they intend to enforce this with violence, or threats of same.

Do you know what determines an individual's capacity for violence?

Socialization.

As a society, we lie to girls. We tell them they cannot fight. We tell them they shouldn't fight, and if that was applied agnostic of sex, that would be one thing. However, while we are telling girls to submit, we are teaching boys to be more aggressive. To engage in violence. We teach them to fight, and accept it as a legitimate arbiter of disputes (on the playground.)

So, when you see one of these misogynists, what you're really seeing is one of those scared little boys on the preschool playground, who has no way to exert control over their environment except through violence. Their body got larger, but they never grew up.

As an adult, they understand that violence has consequences, so they start with threats, and then transition into force.

So, do you know what determines an individual's capacity for violence?

Because socialization isn't permanent. It shapes how you look at the world, but your socialization is something you can control. This is a power you have over yourself. If you live in a world where you are exclusively told that you cannot fight, that you cannot defend yourself, that you must meekly wait for someone else to take your autonomy from you, you will believe that. So long as the only voices you hear speak that lie, you cannot change.

The difference between being able to fight, or not, is training. It's your willingness to use that training on another human being, versus your opponent's ability to do the same. It doesn't matter if you are a man, or a woman. What matters is, do you know how to reduce your opponent into 200lbs of rapidly decaying meat, and are you willing to do it to protect yourself?

Here's another lie you don't hear countered very often: “strength matters.” Humans, as a general rule, use a fraction of our physical strength. This is true for both men and women. Your muscles are literally strong enough to tear your own body apart. Your brain (not your mind, but your brain) limits how hard you push yourself, specifically to protect you from your own body. One side effect of adrenaline is that it becomes very easy to accidentally hurt yourself because you will override your body's own limiters. In case it's unclear, what I'm saying here is that, when threatened, it is quite possible to temporarily give yourself superhuman strength. Now, it will hurt in the morning, and I may be biased, but I think abused muscles, and even broken bones, are far more appealing than being autopsied.

So, why do I continue to speak out against these misogynists? Because they're full of shit. They can't tell me what to do. They can't tell you what to do. The only power they have over you is what you surrender to them.

I'm telling you: You can fight. It's not easy. It's a skill like any other, and it requires training. Just like any other skill you can have excellent teachers or poor ones. But, you can fight.

Humans are a scary species, and when provoked we are a lot harder to kill, and a lot more dangerous, than we appear. If you think that our sexual dimorphism is significant enough to change that, it's not. It's not even close.

You can fight.

And those misogynists can go fuck themselves.

-Starke

This blog is supported through Patreon. Patrons get early access to new posts, and direct access to us through Discord. If you’d like to support us, please consider becoming a Patron.

[villainsrph]

hi ♡ this is my legally allotted not dead post! I'll be incredibly honest...life has been great. I'm now legally recognized as a full time employee at work, I qualified for insurance, I got promoted to trainer (I've already trained two people this week!), and I'm about to get a raise. I've joined two weekly DnD campaigns, I've been reading a lot more, I booked my first tattoo in four years for next month, I get to see my dad soon, among other great things that have happened or are going to happen within the next few weeks. I'm feeling so happy and healthy!

not to mention, starting in two weeks, I finally get two full consistent days off! (tl;dr one of my off days was going to nannying, so I only had one true day off a week if I was lucky, but that is not the case anymore!) I'll now never work more than 2-3 days at a time, on top of having the consistency of the same days off every week. going into march, I'm hoping to dedicate one day to commissions, possibly one day every other week depending on my mood. I've genuinely been very happy being offline, but I do miss making art and want to continue to do so for at least a little while longer! I don't plan to stop commissions just yet, but I'll definitely be slowing down.

the plan is, within the next week or two, to sit and catch up on all of the messages I've missed, go through the waitlist and message those who are still active/wanting work completed, and finish those first. once all of those are done, there will be no waitlist. I'll accept work on a very small, quick turn-around process schedule pending. I'll also be sitting and probably condensing my items menu to a smaller selection!

thank you guys for the patience and support ! thank you as well to those who have been purchasing templates/using my c.arrd referral code the last few weeks! it really means a lot to me!

[aziraphales-library]

Hi guys I'm back to begging you for fic recs bc I am desperate once again:)))

Do you happen to know any fics centered around things thay we know/theorise about season 2? I tried looking for myself but I cannot find much and I was wondering if maybe you can help me

Potential spoilers for series two! If you are trying to avoid anything to do with series two of Good Omens you are best scrolling swiftly past this post!

You have been warned.

Here are a couple of fics with Maggie and Nina, a few with Muriel, and one about an angel with memory loss...

Unlikely bebop by Nyariewen (G)

Maggie and Nina discuss about something strange in the neighborhood: Mr Fell new music choices.

She asks how my husband is by angelZfell (G)

“Maggie asks how my husband is,” he laughed. Aziraphale spun around, completely ignoring the books he was rearranging on the shelf. “Pardon me?”

OR: really short story about them realizing how they act like a married couple.

barging into bookshops while holding plants by sunglass56 (NR)

i heard the clip released at the season 2 panel today and KNEW i had to write a fic around it

basically my imagining of how that scene would look plus extra super gay and sappy

A Million Colors In Between by CaspianTheGeek (T)

Crowley's always known why he Fell, but he was careful to never share that information with Aziraphale. That is until Muriel comes to visit, and the truth comes out.

5 things Muriel doesn't understand about earth (+1 she does) by agent_p_94 (G)

Muriel stares at the teacup.

"A human police officer would accept a cup of tea to drink," Aziraphale had said. Drink. She knows about drinking. “Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again; but whosoever drinketh of the water I shall give him shall never thirst,” and so forth. Only, Muriel was always given to believe that sort of drinking was purely metaphorical, and the sort to which Aziraphale refers seems decidedly corporeal.

Hm.

Muriel has a lot to learn about earth, with and without Aziraphale's help.

A Stranger Among Us by charliebradcherry (T)

"Ridiculous? Ridiculous?" Crowley released a low guttural sound after his words and his hands itched to grab the angel by the lapels of his jacket. Luckily he still possessed enough bodily control to not shake the shit out of him right then and there. "I've watched your bookshop burn to a crisp once and I've felt the fear of losing you twice. You discorporated because a fucking human stepped foot inside your property without your consent and you call me ridiculous. You can think of me as overprotective right now, but I can't promise I won't lose my shit when I hear you say it."

Aziraphale's eyes traced the lines of the floorboard gaps beneath his feet. It was a nice way to distract himself from the depressing voice cracks that Crowley emitted without the intention to.

"We both wanted peace, and what'd ya know? We won't have that for at least the first few years! But if you keep treating life like everyone's an 'angel' at heart, I'll be stuck with a lifetime of worrying myself sick that you'll trust the wrong people and get killed in the process. I'd rather chug holy water. You understand?"

(Based on the new clip)

Hello, hello, hello, what's going on here, then? by HolRose (G)

Aziraphale is in the middle of entertaining a strange angel in his bookshop who has come incognito disguised (very badly) as a police officer, when Crowley appears. After making a few pointed comments and asking a question, the demon asks Aziraphale for ‘a word in private, angel’. This is what happened during that private conversation.

The end of the world by probably_publius (T)

Crowley and Aziraphale were able to stop The End of the World, but didn't see what would come afterwards. Aziraphale has lost his memory, and Crowley doesn't know if it's Heaven or Hell or something else entirely. All he can do is try and help Aziraphale regain an idea of who he is by telling him stories from their past together.

I had a dream where I was watching season 2 and wrote this.

- Mod D

[my-fancy-hat]

One of my goals for this year is to read (at my time) my readlist that I've been pushing to the side for years, I will ramble about every manga i finish and try to make a final post expressing my overall opinions. With that being said, I finished Homunculus.

This manga came to me because, despite not being that popular as his peers of the genre, I have seen it throughout being compared side by side with other works as a "masterpiece", that is very depressing and very-many things. Since I can't completely deny my pretentious side, I decided to read it and well, it fell short. If I had to summarize all of Homunculus in a single panel it would be

Nakoshi eating his own semen. All born and end in here.

If I have to bet one thing, the mini fame that this manga earned it comes from the male audience since this story touches deeply on the "modern male loneliness" and well, this story hits the nail on this topic really well. And it frustrates me quite a bit because the concepts that were used and its premise in general are undoubtedly innovative and definitely interesting! they are an easy bait if you are looking for psychological and "deep" mangas. The creativity with which this author illustrates the human psichologycal struggles buried in the individual subconscious in such abstract and creative ways are magnificent, in fact there are whole pages that have helped me in my creative process, so kuddos for that.

As the story reached its last arc, I felt like the author took a few steps back. Some situations flew too convenient for the protagonist to justify... this, but what bothers me most is that everything Nakoshi learned with each homonculi on his own personal journey of self-discovery and with his relationship with Ito and Nanako ended in fucking nothing. That wouldn't be a bother if glimpses of his grown hadn't been shown chapter by chapter, but in the end what had the greatest weight was his obsession with himself, with his own misery locked in the barriers of his ego that keeps him from observate himself. In the end it's like Ito said, Nakoshi believed that he deserved an award for simply being empathetic and giving people their right to be seen and listened, a compensation for being an emotionally competent man in society. It is for this reason that I call homunculus an ode to male loneliness where the ego, envy, demands and lies that capitalism imparts on young men: the least attractive bird is the one who dies alone, where's only room for resentment to grow, an allegory of the invisible man for the unlived easier life, so the only way to get out of your grave is to accept that the world owes you nothing, to stop licking your wounds and let them heal, which Nakoshi seemed to get but never did. And just when I thought that "wow maybe acceptance is the solution" in how he looked so desperately for his first lover to reconcile with his past, everything goes back to zero.

Nakoshi never loved Nanako, he only loved the attention she gave to him, and he abandoned her for other more beautiful yet hollow eyes. Nakoshi is just a clown looking for a circus, but for free and forever empty. I feel very sorry for Nanako, she didn't deserve anything that happened to her, to have trusted- puring her heart out to such a big piece of shit like Nakoshi, he ruined her life. I genuinely cried over her chapters and her past with him, and I totally agreed until the end with her inability to forgive him, until Nakoshi's face turned into a demon in the darkness and his obsession with himself, with his own semen, won him over.

But among the things that made me happy were Ito transitioning, the only character that I genuinely manage to appreciate and respect. I talked about them in another post but to summarize, I deeply hated at first how predatory they were with the sand girl, but in retrospect it it's brilliant how the author managed to illustrate through it their sexual confussion and gender identity crisis mixed with the yearn for their father's acceptance. They're the best character without a doubt.

I would recommend it? If you are looking for inspiration for your work because of it amazing art and concepts? 100%, if you are looking for a compelling pay-off story, no. If you want to eat your own semen waiting to get rewarded for doing the bare minimum, fix that idk.

Maybe some stories are told to end in pathetic tragedies.

[giantkillerjack]

Hi there, I just wanted to stop by to say thank you for making your recent post about ‘getting dependent on mobility aids’ — I was tempted to comment on the post itself, but since replies have been shut off (which I’m assuming is because people were missing the point?), I figured anonymity would make it easier for me to share this😅 I think it’s important that you know it’s helping not only able bodied people look at it from a different perspective, but other ‘disabled’ people as well.

I’m 23, and have a whole host of health conditions, only a handful of which have actually been diagnosed, the others are still a mystery, and struggle a lot with feeling guilty about taking up space in the community, and the fact that I’m considering getting a mobility aid, because of all of those same reasons people around me have been telling me since I got sick. Reading this post helps make me feel a little bit better about the whole thing, and I just want to thank you for that❤️

— 🥀✨ Anon

[Anon is referring to this satire post I made]

Hey, this is the sweetest most rewarding goddamn message, and I'm incredibly grateful to you for it!! 💖💖💖💖

Also, it validates that everything I write about disability is ultimately written with the hope of making disabled people's lives better, and comments like this mean I am making worthwhile writing/art!!!

Also,

I want to make one thing very very clear:

There IS space for you here.

Obviously I don't speak for the entire disabled community, but I know I am not the only one who sees someone struggling to accept a disabled identity and has the thought, "Hey. Impostor syndrome is basically universal in the newly-disabled. Dont sweat it. You are welcome here."

So... You are welcome here. Says who? Says me. You are allowed to take up space in this community. You have more than permission, you have an invitation. You never needed one to take pride in your identity, but you have it now, in case that helps.

(Learning to undo our own internalized ableism is literally a lifelong process, but it is a worthwhile one.)

The best chances we have at survival and at thriving are by holding onto each other like a goddamn gundam made of cripples and neurodivergents, with no one being left behind.

Therefore, your presence (if you are respectful and kind, which seem to be your vibe) actually ADDS to our collective strength, rather than taking from it.

The actual "limited resources" that we're told disabled people must compete over are a result of systems that enforce a false idea of scarcity and trap us in isolation, poverty, and sickness.

Often, disabled people are the primary lifeline to other disabled people, actually. In my own personal experience (as disability is a huge category and no experience is universal among us except ableism), I've seen VERY little IRL competition among disabled people, but many instances of disabled people working together to demand a better conditions, plus countless instances of disabled people taking care of each other in everyday life.

The "prove you are disabled beyond a shadow of a doubt" mentality also supports these deadly ableist systems because it allows those in power to deny aid to those who cannot meet a ludicrously high burden of proof.

- Fuck that. Fuck that. I believe you. You have a condition that limits your ability? You can't do one or more vital tasks without constant pain?? That's a disability. You're disabled. And there's room for you to sit with us. Welcome.

I know that some people have internalized ableism, and occasionally this community does deal with the issue of gatekeeping. But I really believe those people are a vocal minority of the community as a whole - Most of us are just glad to have another comrade and co-conspirator!

There IS enough for all of us, and historically the only way these systems have actually changed is through a whole lot of disabled people banding together and helping to keep each other alive in the meantime.

And it's okay if what you need to do is just focus on keeping yourself alive. Like I said, you're a vital member of the team now, and the core of disability advocacy is someone should never be left behind. - It is morally and socially right for you to take care of yourself both on a collective and individual level, and that includes experimenting with mobility aids!

BUT ALSO - and this is VITAL - even if you go your WHOLE LIFE using more resources than you are able to provide, even if you can "only" contribute the extensive labor of keeping yourself alive for your entire life, you'd still DESERVE COMFORT, RESPECT, ACCOMMODATION, AND CARE. You would still be a valued part of this team because people who need a lot of help are not "drains", they are ENTIRE PEOPLE.

YOU are an entire person!

And if we as disabled people only measure value by how much a person can DO, then we become no better than the ableist systems that terrorize our lives whether we have accepted disability as an identity or not!

You are worth the effort of caring for you because you are ALIVE and a PERSON.

And while I don't believe in laziness as a concept, this would include you even if you were "lazy". Even if you were mean. I probably wouldn't want to invite a mean person to stuff - but like I said, you don't need an invitation to be in this community. You don't need permission to care for yourself or to have the rights of a full person!

Sacrifice for no reason is just self-harm!

You deserve accommodation because it is a HUMAN RIGHT to reduce pain and improve your quality of life without hurting anyone!!! You are wanted here even if you cannot fight or advocate or produce!!! It is not selfish to care for yourself with the tenderness you would show to a little puppy in pain! Or if it is, then maybe selfishness can be beautiful sometimes! - That is the core tenet of cripple punk and of disability liberation. ALL of us matter. Period. End of sentence. Full stop.

... All this to say, I think getting a mobility aid is a great idea!! And it makes me so so happy to rep how amazing it is to have the accommodations you need!

Just yesterday, I went out with my new rollator for the first time (now that I finally live somewhere without stairs!), and I felt so happy and free that even though I just went to a grocery store pharmacy, I had the BEST TIME. I can't run on my own, but with the rollator? I can really move!! I was beaming the whole time!

I even crossed paths with an older woman in my building who was complaining about how embarrassing it was to be the only person with the walker on the floor, and the way that her expression changed when she saw me and when I said how happy I was to have my new walker is something that will stick with me forever! (Her aid worker actually hugged me - it was a magical pharmacy trip, y'all - and my joints feel AMAZING getting exercise I couldn't do without the walker!)

For years now, every time I stand or walk somewhere, being upright has been a matter of calculating how much pain I can take before it is unbearable - mapping out stoops to sit on, places on the ground less likely to be wet from rain, store floors to collapse on - but with my rollator (which I have named Blue Gator the Rollator)??? I SIT THE SECOND I NEED TO, AND WITH THIS POWER I WALKED FURTHER THAN I HAVE IN YEARS.

It brings me immense joy to let people know how important that is, how important their comfort is. To get people to question how much pain and isolation must actually be cultivated and sacrificed on the altar of "move like an abled person"!!

What a badass act of rebellion to say "fuck you I'm getting that goddamn cane and I might get a walker while I'm at it!!!", "fuck you I don't deserve to be in unnecessary pain!!!", "fuck you i don't deserve to be doing constant damage to my joints and nervous system by standing in pain all the time!!!"

Plus, I keep a water bottle and a folding cane (and a phone charger and a notebook) in the little pouch under the rollator seat! (and this time I actually read the safety manual, which everyone should do!)

Okay this got really long (and at some point half the draft got deleted and had to be re-written from memory), but tbh I'm not sorry. I don't know you, but I'm terribly proud of you. Like, the pride fills my chest with warm expanding light when i think of someone coming closer to getting the things they need to thrive.

I hope you get all the accommodations you need and then some more on top of that! You deserve less pain! You deserve to take up space! You deserve to sit with us if you want to! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. ❤

P.S. I actually didn't get any nasty replies to the post itself - I had to change the reply settings on my account because of an unrelated post in which I criticized the queerbaiting in a popular piece of media, and thus was suffering a Deluge of people sliding into the replies to defend the queerbaiting like they were Sherlock/Supernatural fans in the year 2010. 😅 but I am very happy you reached out anyway!!! Thank you again! You made my day!! 🥰🥰🥰

[idoodle2draw-marquer]

Oh no my deepest apologies I adore your art especially your original content I just couldn't for the life of me remember how I came across you! I always assumed it was the splatoon content you make in general though I don't follow a lot of splatoon blogs to know if I saw a reblog of your stuff from there and came to your blog I love seeing your stickers of the month with the lot of character expressions, your original designs fan ocs or original characters altogether, and the lore of your characters I see sprinkled around I'm sorry,, I just got excited to realize how I found/followed you is all I remembered I was in some splatoon oc/salmonoid tags and found you and thought you were really neat especially looking through all your artwork I think your art style is especially sick (complimentary) and its only because I'm not on tumblr much have I been able to afford the time to dig down into your stuff I always wanted to commission you or donate to your kofi but I always felt I'd come off as rude because I wasn't sure what was acceptable to commission or how much a decent kofi donation would be if I tried but,, I came off as not just rude but offensive so I'm sorry about that, I take responsibility for how I came off initially I'm not here just for one single oc otherwise I wouldn't be following still I just found you because of him and when I remembered how I found you I got excited is all I'm sorry for saying it like I was ignoring the rest of your work

my apologies as well for misunderstanding your message ;_; i got so used to actual non-compliments due to being a multi-fandom artist and also having like the 1 sexy character among all my tacky designs haha [my veteran followers know who he is] i stopped answering inbox messages for a reason fjdgsgshfj

and apologies for putting you on the spot over it x,x!!

you'll be seeing more if him soon, he's been most of what i draw at work hehe

i appreciate you reaching out and explaining it- i feel bad for reading your initial message incorrectly! depression brain really loves to bring out the negatives in words and i've been struggling with it this winter season especially 💔

thank you for appreciating my work though, its fun to see how people find me and Snap is a delightful reason x) i love him so much

to make up for it here's a sketchpage of him i wasn't gonna post initially!

to answer your question-ish thingy, i no longer take commissions but it means a lot that you would if you could!! donations are always appreciated but never necessary 🤍 apologies again, i know its disappointing to find you can't commission an artist you wanna, i simply don't have the time or will for it anymore ;3;

[llycaons]

ep16 (part 2):

oh cinematically tragic lost handhold....

I've seen so many gifsets of wwx in this scene and that's because as terrible as everything is he has genuinely never looked better. very handsome. sorry about the tragedies

aw man there's jyl OH SHE HAS PEARLS SEWN INTO HER ROBE I wonder if the jiangs trade with sects that live along the ocean. do they have ocean access? I can't remember. maybe they're freshwater pearls

when jyl asks what happened and all wwx can do is stand there crying. and jc is also crying. oof

why did she tell wwx to do this...did she think jc couldn't?

a triangle of misery...

there's a really long meta post about the cinematography for this and I don't remember all of it but it's like. jyl and jc are in the foreground so their grief is being paid attention to, but wwx is in the back and you can't even see his face. his grief is ignored, even though he's the central figure. he's also taking on the task of a servant and neither jyl nor jc stop him

this is def a most extreme case (jc and jyl are SUPER traumatized and I'm not even blaming them for this), and it's not representative of all their interactions with wwx, but it gets me thinking. wwx talks about lwj being his equal bc he's good at things in the way that wwx is, but you can also view it like, with lwj wwx is completely free of the tangle of debts and obligations he has with the jiangs, and they look after each other , purely because they care about each other rather, than that onus always being on wwx. jyl does take care of him, and jc does too sometimes, but wwx must do the same for the other two and cannot truly fight back in a meaningful way if he's being mistreated.

obviously this setup above would never happen with lwj bc lwj doesn't see wwx as a servant or someone bound to him at all. he may see other people as servants, but he's always insistent that wwx is taken care of and he wouldn't accept wwx acting this way to him. which is really good! like I feel that ppl who are ride-or-die for yunmeng sibs and ignore lwj don't appreciate how freeing being with lwj is for wwx and how happy he is to have a relationship that's his own and on his own terms. ah, I miss him

jyl getting ill so easily, I think she has an autoimmune disorder. I've seen her hced as having celiac's and having chronic joint pain, and I think either an autoimmune disease or chronic fatigue makes mot sense. and for some conditions, both of those symptoms are seen so it's not a stretch. fibromyalgia, for one

uh oh. last look before the end.

LIFE-ALTERING MOMENT. this scene is so well done. the dread I feel every single time. it's incredible.

literally who is that

flashforward to the scene in 18(?) where jc makes the same promise to jyl about wwx. I feel ill

something really messed up is how often one of the kids will be like 'we'll go together, right"? this past few episodes. they really are clinging to each other like buoys in a storm

this happened when wwx was running out of BM after waking up from wen qing's needle. he runs and falls over :(

oh jeez I bet they're all dead by the end of this huh

MEAN TO WEN NING. he lied kind of awkwardly but it WAS effective. a nice thing about being known for being weak and socially awkward is that nobody suspects you when you're being suspicious

I wonder what happened to those women too. I assume they're wens, unless they were hired by wens. the clan is fucking huge idk

HE KNEW. and he knew it could have been lethal, I assume, unless he detected the exact poison used. and he somehow knew it was for the bodies of the jiang parents, huh

next episode will also be pretty rough but sunshot/postsunshot are among my favorite arcs so I am HYPED

also we'll finally see lwj again next ep. I think. I miss him. I wonder how many eps jc is missing from. surely several in a row, esp postres. yi city for sure. he's been in every one so far. now I'm curious

[hannah-ione]

Buckle up, this is going to be a long one!

Lately, I've been thinking about how I present/what I consider myself to be. I know labels aren't the be all and end all but can be useful nonetheless.

People aren't always able to take in a long post, so the TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read) summary is:

I'm a bisexual trans woman who is possibly leaning more to 'soft butch' in terms of looks/identity.

Thoughts about this/advice is most welcome.

...On with the show!

So far in life, I've figured out that I'm bisexual, and more recently, also a trans woman. What I'm still getting my head around is how masc/fem I am/consider myself to be.

Growing up, I found I was always envious of how women looked and dressed ('How come they get to wear such pretty things and there's nothing like that for me?'). I suppose I was more preoccupied with other aspects of my life (school, family, mental health) to come to the realisation that I could wear the pretty things if I wanted to.

I was dealing with my shyness on top of my introversion, among other things, and the school recommended that I see the child psychologist (Dad: 'He's not going, there's nothing wrong with my kid''; his controlling nature and fragile ego rearing its ugly head again). So, no help for me then...

As an aside, if I had been assessed, I reckon they would have said I had some sort of neurodivergence (but that's a whole new subject for another time!).

I wasn't totally nerdy/bookish, I enjoyed playing in the school sports teams (rounders, football, and later on, rugby), I wouldn't say I was outstanding but I had skills! I was also in the Scouts, and loved the outdoors and camping life! I was considered to be, for want of better terms, a 'normal/average' kid, neither overly effeminate nor overly macho.

As a child of the pre-internet age (there was a time that it didn't exist, shocking I know!). I never had any easily accessible resources to explore the many thoughts and feelings I was having. I had never knowingly met anyone who was gay, lesbian or bi in real life, let alone anyone who was transgender. The dominant representations and stereotypes that existed in the media at that time were:

gay men, depicted as camp limp-wristed fairies, were going around spreading HIV/AIDS

lesbians were presented as either despised butch man-haters or the 'prettier' ones tolerated as long as men could watch them in pornos

transgender women were men in dresses and transgender men were non-existent.

Throughout my teens and my twenties, I came to realise that I was attracted to men and women. I was able to access counselling and a workplace support group helping me to confirm and accept my bisexuality.

One memory from that time, I was chatting to a friend, and I don't really recall how we got talking about this topic (I think he was maybe telling me about his girlfriend at the time), but I said to him, that if I was a girl, I would probably be a lesbian. Looking back, maybe it was one of the signs that I never picked up at the time that indicated that something was a bit different about me.

Skipping forward, with the growth and ease of access of the internet, which allowed me to find resources, and finding the courage to go to local pride events, I was starting to show a bit more of my feminine side now and again. I occasionally wore nail polish, lip gloss and mascara.

When I began making more online friends, some would like to roleplay during chat. I would almost always take the female part, so the scene would usually play out as us being a 'straight couple'. Still, I hadn't joined the dots, it was just something I found was a turn on for me. Perhaps it was naivety or an unconscious denial that stopped me making connections.

Now we get to the event that finally made me realise, that actually, I'm trans.

It was the coming out of my cousin's husband as a trans woman. That was my egg moment, hearing that news sparked something in me, making me look back over my life which gave me lots of 'A-Ha!' moments. The fact that it was someone I knew personally and had met, and seeing how they transitioned from pre-hormones, onwards, really impacted on me. I follow her continued journey on her blog and she is helping other trans people via outreach and advocacy work.

So, back to the question of presentation/identity. While I am drawn to what could be termed traditional feminine things (make-up, dresses, long hair, and so on), day-to-day I feel more of a casual, jeans and t-shirt type of woman.

I love the feeling and look of my shaved head (such a good look for women!), and I can always have the choice to pick different colours and styles of wig or wear headscarves or hats.

The two main things I want are facial hair removal (I'll probably go down the electrolysis route) and hormones. I feel they, more than clothing style and so on, would be more helpful with my sense of womanhood.

I think I fall into the 'soft butch' area in general with the option to present more fem or masc depending on my feelings/situation.

There is one woman in particular, who I follow on Tumblr, that manages to rock different looks; whether it is bare-faced or made-up, or sporting hair that is long, buzzed, shaven or wearing a wig, she is truly inspirational!

Well, that ended up being longer than expected! Any thoughts, observations, questions or advice on anything in this post are most welcomed, feel free to message me.

[mimuranda]

New obsessions and disappointments

06/09/2022

Hi tumblr!

I've been quite out from Tumblr in the last year and a half , cause my life has changed so much in this time (first to the worst and then to the BEST).

This is a great opportunity for me to work again a bit on this account, that I wish to improve. In the meantime, and since a few months, I have been a few series and films, that have successfully achieve the impossible: to take me out of the Good Omens fandom.

Not that I don't like it anymore, of course I ADORE Good Omens. However, we have to talk about a few new obsessions I've got, as well as a few deceptions.

Among the dissapointments I would name Tokyo Ghoul, and Sandman.

For Tokyo Ghoul, I had GREAT expectations and I felt so disappointed it made me sad. I cannot understand how such a potential, such a cool story went to waste and total nonsense. For moments I think they directly skipped parts of the manga, because if not the whole story is very bad written, which, knowing the base idea, I don't think is the explanation. Just stopped watching in the third season and I don't think I will ever end it. I am thinking about maybe give an opportunity to the manga, what do you guys say?

Then, we have Sandman. I really am a big big fan of Neil Gaiman. I love the Sandman comics. And I know they go at a slow pace, but the adaptation is damn slow and almost boring. The vortex story got me completly bored. I think they chose very well the main actor, he looks and acts just like morpheus, and of course, the poesy of some dialogs and good use of myths and folklore are great, but they come from the comics so.... really, I won't be keeping with this show, I am starting to doubt the ability of the studios to successfully adapt the masterpieces of Gaiman, because American Gods season 1 was great but the second one was LAME and NOTHING happened...

But I also watched good stuff.

Let's talk about it!

First of all let's talk about this BRILLANT GENIUS ANIME:

This is the MOST FUNNY, WHOLESOME, INTERESTING AND BRILLANT anime, comedy and even series I have seen in a while. I love it, have already seen the whole show 3 times and if I could I would do it again because I've not laught this much in years. I will do a whole post regarding this anime because it must have one. This is pure gold, the characters, the plot, the punchlines, the MUSIC... If you have not watched it yet, you should do it NOW. Please look at those badass parents and those kawaii girl and doggo, it's impossible not to LOVE THEM. This is the most popular anime in this moment in Japan and probably in the world and I UNDERSTAND WHY.

Then we have Tokyo Revengers. This is exactly my jam. This is the kind of anime I particularly enjoy even when it is not perfect. Sentimental shonen full of battles, blood, tears and amazing bonds between the characters. It'll make you cry, if you only come to care for the characters which I think is quite easy, there are a lot and 90% of them are extremely charismatic. I binge-watched this thing, which ended in a MASSIVE CLIFFHANGER, so then went reading the whole manga in less than 2 days which also is at a MASSIVE CLIFFHANGER AND PLOT TWIST (even if I think that the manga last arc, even if I am enjoying it, should not exists, because we already had a great ending).

DAMN! It's plenty of angst, lovely friendships, epic battles (for teens, because they are 14-16 y.o) and lovely happy moments, then heartbreaking sad moments. There is also a whole mystery plot based on the paranormal element of the story, which is that the main character can time-travel, which is not explained but I honestly don't really care, I accept it. Will talk further about this in a future post too.

Then, we have MY FAVOURITE ANIME and one of my top 3 tv show ever, that I came to finish - and was traumatized for a whole month: I caught up with Attack On Titan:

I just confirmed what I already thought when I saw the first two seasons. This is a JEWEL. Everything in this anime is AMAZING, even if it will completly destroy my heart. There is no way this can end well (I don't have read the manga, so do not spoil me please). I cryed all the tears in my body and I feel I will keep crying until the end. The last seasons I just watched were the most revealing for the plot and honestly, I think this story is extremely twisted. The explanation to all the questions we have as viewers is such a good idea, but so twisted and sick in its nature... then is when I realized this anime goes quite deep in the thematics it explores, and I can only bow before this magnificent story.

THIS THREE SHOWS I MENTIONNED ABOVE MUST BEEN WATCHED.

And finally, there is Miraculous, a show so popular that the fandom reached me before watching it. I did not have any clue of what this story might be on, and I have to say I was framed by the fandom. I thought it was more adult, darker, and with a better development. Miraculous is not a bad series, particularly knowing the target viewers are childs, but it has a lot of problems. I can't help but thinking it is lost potential, which is quite frustating. However, despite a lot of problems and errors, and that I would love it to be a bit more mature and angstier, the story that is behind is quite captivating and the love square between only 2 characters (yes, you read correctly) is amazing. I love Chat Noir and how he is completly smitten by Ladybug. And I have to admit that the fandom has made amazing things (fancomics and fanarts) that are extremly captivating. So despite myself and the show not beeing that good (you can skip it) i am obssessed with the content related to it.

So this 4 shows are my current obsession and I'll be probably be reposting a lot of content related in the future weeks/months. It is also quite inspiring for me to draw again, which I've been yearning to do for a while.

Hope I made you discover a few things and if you have recomendations related to any of these please share and comment!

[ina-nis]

Can I ask, how did you get over the stage fright of writing on a blog anyone can read? (Especially about these matters) Cause I've been trying on an off for nearly a year and the hypervigilance gets to me after a month or so.

The short answer, I guess, is that... you can create a version of yourself that only exists in your blog. No one has to know you write, no one has to know you, at all. No need for any identifying personal information. Maybe start a new account if that would make you feel more at ease too. And you can always erase or edit your posts, so this is something that can definitely help not leaving any trace behind.

Maybe try journaling offline if you don't do that already. Have a notebook or use your phone to write notes and other things. Maybe try creating a private blog next. Then make an actual public blog. It's all about building some tolerance and reassuring yourself that it's fine to do this, there's nothing wrong with it. It's a space you can use at anytime and you can delete/start over at any point if you so desire.

I can talk about how this went for me, if that's going to be any reassuring.

Due to not having anyone I could talk to, I started journaling. At first offline, then on and off, online. It helps me make sense of things and put my feelings into perspective, and I can go back to them whenever, so I can try to find answers and patterns, etc...

I used to do so in my main blogs (and on other social media, when I had those) and, well, being so open about your struggles can be something good at first, people might take pity or be sympathetic but... of course, eventually, it starts taking a toll and people might distance themselves. They did with me. Because talking about the ugly symptoms of my mental health and how much they impact me (despite various treatments) is really uncomfortable for others. You start sounding like a broken record and people take that you're "stuck in negativity", "too pessimistic", "can't get over it", among many other invalidating (and ableist) things and I can't really blame them for it. If it's hard for people to witness this torment, imagine going through it. They have no idea.

Having people that are only around for fun and to have a good time, doesn't sound right to me though. I don't want to have people like that in my life. But it is how it is. I either accept it or I don't. I can continue trying and bear with the consequences, being further ostracized, watching symptoms worsen due to guilt or shame or isolation or...

I can try finding an outlet where I can pour my mind and feelings in a space where I can be witnessed, and not have that held against me. This is what I'm doing here.

It took me a long time (and lots of therapy) to be able to talk about my feelings at all. Once it started, and I realized how much I was benefiting from it, I never stopped and it was just a matter of trial and error to get to a point where I could do that in a way that was good for me, without it being detrimental to other aspects of my life (and this is why this is an avpd-specific journal).

The reason why I took to journaling on a public blog is because, due to the nature of my struggles, feeling like someone is witnessing me is really validating. Even if no one reads it, even if it's just me talking to myself... knowing that it's in an open space other people could find reassures me and it also feels good to know I might be able to find other people who can relate to my experiences and share theirs, and have people, like you, reaching out make it all the more rewarding. Seeing people being so open about their struggles out in public was one of the things that helped me realize that I, too, could do that.

I hope that at least gave you some other perspective, and may be helpful. Thank you for reaching out and I hope you can figure things out. Of course, let me know how that goes for you, if you feel like sharing!

[hayleyesther]

Dear "socially acceptable blogging etiquette"

This isn't working I think we need to break up.



I know you have a lot to offer with your sponsorship's and other opportunities be they financial or otherwise,  but the thing of  it is,  being with you has caused me to lose myself and that is something I'm just not okay with, like at all. Not even a little bit.

Compromising on what I stand for has never been an option for me and yet because I got lost in your ever-climbing stats  and shiny monochrome template, I somehow forget that.

 I forget that I have been brought up to stand away from the crowd even if that does mean standing alone.(if said crowd is going in a direction I don't want for myself)

I've learned a lot about myself during our time together and I have no doubt that there is someone out there perfect for you, but it's just not me.

I know that you like to know in detail why I make the decisions I do, so despite the fact I don't like to pull things apart, I will give you a couple of reasons as for why I want you out of my life.

You drain me. 

Bloggers have to wear so many hats already I don't want to add among other things working myself into the ground to gain a following that quite honestly I don't care about because they are self-interested, and most likely only followed me because they want me to follow back. 

You know what?

 I don't actually care about the numbers. I do care about my readers even if they are small in number.

 You stand for everything I hate. 

You know that I've never been the kind of girl to care much for formulas, sure tips to make life easier are great, but generally, I  live by standards that I have vetted and decided are right for me as a person. You stand for making money, which is not a bad thing of its self . 

What is completely wrong though is that making money is your main and sometimes only goal. Readers are nothing more than potential customers and you use them for this goal and then throw them out, unless they are likely to buy from you again.

 I  really hate "me too" bloggers!! - The formula of a black and white blog, blogger's picture on the right-hand side, everything uniform everything too professional and the content on said blogs is usually a copy-cat topic about something I couldn't care less about seeing again, aghh!

This just annoys me.

I know I have a simple format too, but I try my hardest to include as much colour as possible.

People that want my loyalty to their work need to produce something unique and interesting, and frankly I'm not interested in seeing the same shallow posts over and over again.

Just No! Please Stop! 

You are too controlling and I don't want the pressure blogging is supposed to be fun, and blogs should ooze personality. You pressure people into conformity because the fact is the likelihood of turning a blog into a business (or at least a part of one) without conforming seems nigh on impossible. Or at least you make it seem that way.

This makes absolutely no sense because in the world of business it is called a unique selling point, not a uniform selling point!

You make people feel like they have to be really "professional" in order to be considered worthy of readers, and that is not what blogging was created to be. 

Some people want to blog for fun, and that's okay but you make people like this feel like they are committing some great crime for not wanting to turn their blog into a business of sorts.

Oh and as for new bloggers?

Forget it! You have so many "rules" that new bloggers usually feel really overwhelmed and as a result, a really awesome would-be blogger may not ever get their idea of the ground because they are scared off by your etiquette and unwritten law

You big bully. 

Stop being so damn cold and unfeeling!! 

We all need each other and the little guy might actually have something to say.

So there you have it, you are too damn controlling, we have nothing in common and I don't care about what you care about so that is why I'm done with you. 

I will take the lessons you have taught me such as not being so wordy, remembering my grammar and spelling and making sure I share other people's content as well as my own on social media, but I honestly don't think there is anything else you can teach me and I really don't like you so that's it.

I hope you will be very happy with the blogger(s) that decide to conform to your rules and regulations but as for us,

We're done.

[thechristmasbloguk]

Dear "socially acceptable blogging etiquette"

This isn't working I think we need to break up.



I know you have a lot to offer with your sponsorship's and other opportunities be they financial or otherwise,  but the thing of  it is,  being with you has caused me to lose myself and that is something I'm just not okay with, like at all. Not even a little bit.

Compromising on what I stand for has never been an option for me and yet because I got lost in your ever-climbing stats  and shiny monochrome template, I somehow forget that.

 I forget that I have been brought up to stand away from the crowd even if that does mean standing alone.(if said crowd is going in a direction I don't want for myself)

I've learned a lot about myself during our time together and I have no doubt that there is someone out there perfect for you, but it's just not me.

I know that you like to know in detail why I make the decisions I do, so despite the fact I don't like to pull things apart, I will give you a couple of reasons as for why I want you out of my life.

You drain me. 

Bloggers have to wear so many hats already I don't want to add among other things working myself into the ground to gain a following that quite honestly I don't care about because they are self-interested, and most likely only followed me because they want me to follow back. 

You know what?

 I don't actually care about the numbers. I do care about my readers even if they are small in number.

 You stand for everything I hate. 

You know that I've never been the kind of girl to care much for formulas, sure tips to make life easier are great, but generally, I  live by standards that I have vetted and decided are right for me as a person. You stand for making money, which is not a bad thing of its self . 

What is completely wrong though is that making money is your main and sometimes only goal. Readers are nothing more than potential customers and you use them for this goal and then throw them out, unless they are likely to buy from you again.

 I  really hate "me too" bloggers!! - The formula of a black and white blog, blogger's picture on the right-hand side, everything uniform everything too professional and the content on said blogs is usually a copy-cat topic about something I couldn't care less about seeing again, aghh!

This just annoys me.

I know I have a simple format too, but I try my hardest to include as much colour as possible.

People that want my loyalty to their work need to produce something unique and interesting, and frankly I'm not interested in seeing the same shallow posts over and over again.

Just No! Please Stop! 

You are too controlling and I don't want the pressure blogging is supposed to be fun, and blogs should ooze personality. You pressure people into conformity because the fact is the likelihood of turning a blog into a business (or at least a part of one) without conforming seems nigh on impossible. Or at least you make it seem that way.

This makes absolutely no sense because in the world of business it is called a unique selling point, not a uniform selling point!

You make people feel like they have to be really "professional" in order to be considered worthy of readers, and that is not what blogging was created to be. 

Some people want to blog for fun, and that's okay but you make people like this feel like they are committing some great crime for not wanting to turn their blog into a business of sorts.

Oh and as for new bloggers?

Forget it! You have so many "rules" that new bloggers usually feel really overwhelmed and as a result, a really awesome would-be blogger may not ever get their idea of the ground because they are scared off by your etiquette and unwritten law

You big bully. 

Stop being so damn cold and unfeeling!! 

We all need each other and the little guy might actually have something to say.

So there you have it, you are too damn controlling, we have nothing in common and I don't care about what you care about so that is why I'm done with you. 

I will take the lessons you have taught me such as not being so wordy, remembering my grammar and spelling and making sure I share other people's content as well as my own on social media, but I honestly don't think there is anything else you can teach me and I really don't like you so that's it.

I hope you will be very happy with the blogger(s) that decide to conform to your rules and regulations but as for us,

We're done.

[fionnaskyborn]

Alright, I feel like an update of sorts is due. I do not use any social media in order to "be a presence" there - I'm just here to have fun and reblog things that make me happy. Even so, I feel like an explanation for my recent absence is justified. I'm putting it under a readmore so as to not clot anybody's dashboard, but if you want to hear the ramblings of a troubled young adult, well, by all means, be my guest.

As previously stated, I mostly go on here to reblog and save things that bring me joy. I believe to have privated at least one of my own posts talking about some more recent events, but I'm pretty sure some of them remain up. And I can't be arsed to go private them, to be quite honest. To make the long story short - I lost a significant portion of my writing, as well as a lot of other data that was important to me. Most would have stopped at that, but I couldn't accept the possibility of nearly two years of work and three years of accumulating various things that made me smile were gone, just like that. And, well, they aren't. But they are unreachable, for the time being. This prompted me to take a beeline in my lifepath, towards a discipline not too far away from what I originally planned on doing when my "true adult" years rolled around, but still decently enough separated from it to mark this as a pretty significant change of plans. I certainly never considered getting into quantum physics full-on - it was interesting to read about, sure, but I've always been interested in the macro scale of things far more. However, when the time comes to overthrow the technological systems currently in place, I want to be there, in the front rows, among the people who will have access to that kind of technology right away. The only other path to this, other than by being a mathematician, is to be unimaginably rich, and I am a pretty normal person as far as money goes. Just another average Joe on this planet Earth - not particularly wealthy, to afford three vacations per year, but with more than enough money to consider myself financially secure. Just a regular ol' person, trying to get by. That means that I need to start working towards that future right now. And it's all so painfully slow. I've spent most of my life waiting for one thing or another. The idea of waiting another several years for a slim shot at getting my beloved writing back is not an easy one to come to terms with for me. But it's the only chance I have, and I could even be considered lucky - imagine if all of this happened, and I weren't a physicist in the making! I'd have to wait decades instead of an undefined amount of time that could be as early as a single year or as late as ten years to get my words back - words I could never repeat, words I could never write in that same order. The first days after it happened were incredibly painful, and I am still uncertain, but, little by little, I'm getting it back. And I'm getting new things out of this - I never saw painful events as anything but just that. But perhaps it is because this is something I am not helpless against that changed things so much. I am now more than ever motivated to actually learn and excel. Earlier on, I was just rolling with the punches. Life wore me out so much I had pretty much just given up on putting any effort into anything because I was just... too exhausted to do it. My plan was to just do whatever until things either ended up going so spectacularly bad I'd earn myself some kind of intervention, or somehow miraculously worked out. But all of this was a wake-up call. (TO WHAT I REALLY BELIEVE. Sorry. Saw an opportunity, couldn't miss it. On the other hand - see? Unfortunately for everyone involved, I am still the same old dork I ever was.) I now have something - something more tangible than anything I've had before - to strive for. This is the first time in at least seven years, perhaps more, I've felt this confident in any plan of mine, that I've had this concrete of a set of goals. This was also the first time in my few decades and spare change on this Earth that I've managed to turn a large terrible event into a pushing force THIS strong. There's doing things out of spite, and then there's THIS. I do realize that I may very well be insane for this, but I'm not willing to let something that got me through some very difficult times in my life and that helped me grow as a person as much as it did slip away like it was nothing. I saw a shot, and, brother, I'm gonna take it.

I've also watched Gurren Lagann because I've heard it gives people the will to live, and that was something I desperately needed. At first, I watched it numb - or, rather, any positive feelings I had harbored about it were stored in the same place my overwhelming grief over my currently lost work was, and, well, one was more powerful than the other, obviously. But, as I got better over time, I found myself not just logically and objectively understanding why people see it as the greatest thing ever made, but taking the messages and words said in the show to heart. It, and the gradually increasing amount of support I got from the people around me, are the reason why I am where I am today. I truly cannot even start to express my gratitude for the people I found by my side (some after some time, some more immediately), let alone the support they started giving me once I had my revelation and change of trajectory and the way I live my life. It's just about as fortunate of a combination of things you could hope to end up with. The misery from those first days still lingers in some measure, but every day I get a bit stronger and a bit more capable of rejecting it in its entirety.

In the meantime, I will keep working on my project. But not at the cost of hurting myself to get as much on paper as I can - I plan to take things in stride. I'm not sure when I'll be capable of looking for art online like I did before the calamity, but the same strategy applies - if it brings joy, do it, if not, well, don't force yourself to do anything that would make you miserable. Simple as that. I am slowly, gradually, healing from everything that happened, all while having a thing I want to achieve, a thing that will grant me true and ultimate and lasting happiness.

I thought I would never be able to touch videogames as a whole. That mostly turned into "I'll never be able to touch the game series that changed me as a person and it sucks ASS". But even that is proving to be less and less true by the day. Who knows what the future holds? Not me. But as I walk towards a distant goal along a long and winding path, there are plenty of things to do in the meantime. I've got a cassette collection to grow. Playlists to organize. Designs to finalize. Vinyls to listen to. I still want to purchase that hugeass limited edition Trocadero foil print. There is so much music I want to listen to. I still want to enjoy things in life. It may not mean much to the average onlooker, but it means a lot to me because it's such a huge leap from the mental state I was in a week ago when it happened, and the days that followed.

In short, I'm doing fine. Still a bit empty in some places, but only sometimes, and I'm filling those empty spaces with either the motivation I need in order to keep going to reach that future I want so much, or reminding myself that I haven't lost just about everything. I'm patching myself up bit by bit, and I think I'm doing great at it so far.

My final message: I don't care what your stances on anime in general are, watch Gurren Lagann. Suspend your disbelief and just... trust me on this one. If you're having a grand old time in life, it'll only make it better. If you're having a spectacularly shitty time in life, it'll give you the strength to keep going. I'm on episode 15 right now (or... 16? Whatever, I finished the first half of it is what I'm saying.)

Almost at the bus stop now - I'll see you all later.

[dairysdiary]

hollow

(1/2) i don't know what to feel. yesterday, i saw my friend panicked when a guy's message popped up on her screen while she's seating beside me. i was facing where her phone was located but i acted as if i was zoning out when she immediately took her phone away. i know she looked at me to check whether i saw the message or not. i knew who it was. i knew what was going on. i just don't ask her because i know there is a reason why she would not want me to know that specific thing happening. i know it would be as easy as [abc] for her to confess what's happening and how she deals with the situation--i know it because that's how we used to be.

or i don't know. maybe something has really changed while i'm not paying much attention to it. every time i feel like we're slipping away from each other, i let it pass. as much as possible i forbid myself to overthink it because doing so would just let me think that it is really happening--which i never desire to happen. not now, not anytime soon. i don't know. we used to be best of besties, but i think growing up really changes everything. it changes the person we have met, including the things we used to do to spend time with one another.

i just don't get it. have i become someone she's afraid of? hate? i mean, what's the point of hiding it? i know it has been an open secret to our group of friends that i never liked the guy she's with. heck, she'd been disrespected multiple times, how could i let it all pass? i know it's not my story and life to meddle in their situation, but i would never let anyone hurt my friends in front of my eyes. not when i'm still alive and kicking. when i was at her position years ago, He knows how much i wished to have someone that could tell me what to do, how to escape, hear the things/words i long to hear, and such. i don't know. i just feel like she could escape but i guess she don't need any saving. anyway, i have already accepted that i cannot help someone who's not willing to also help themselves.

(2/2) i have this guy friend whom i only kept among all the guy friends that i had back when we were in jhs. we have grown closer as years passed by, and i cannot deny that i have become way more comfortable with him compared to other guy friends i had before. i could even level our friendship to my girl best friend whom i share ALL of my secrets and activities in life.

anyway, it's been weeks since i noticed he stopped talking and paying attention to my stories (i sometimes update him randomly with what i am doing) which i try to understand because i know he's also busy and has his own life. then i randomly saw his post with a girl (??) like he was implying that he is in a somewhat relationship with that girl. hold up, i don't have any issues with it. in fact, i would be delightful to receive the news IF ONLY he didn't treat me like what he did the past few weeks. i just feel like shit after telling him that i have a small crush on someone in my university (which i told him that only he & my sister know about it), randomly update him with what i am doing, where i am, whenever i am bored, stuck in a traffic, running late, AND WHATSOEVER just to receive a simple "hi/hello" from him after all that?? and nothing else??? like if i would return his greeting, he then would reply the next day??

man, i feel shit. if you don't want to talk to me or would like to ignore me because you're already dealing with someone, AT LEAST tell me about it? hell for sure i would understand it, or at least would try to understand it because i don't think our friendship should stop just because of that? i mean, okay, it's fine for me to give a little space as a respect to the girl but what the hell? i've told him like multiple times that it's fine with me if time would come and he would suddenly feel like he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore or like cut ties with me, i told him it's fine with me cause that's how life goes--we sometimes outgrew people in our lives. but i also remember telling him to at least inform me whenever he feels like it? to at least let me know? to not leave me hanging and wondering? like waiting for an explanation?

(3/3) man, that was exactly what my ex-friends did to me when they found themselves boyfriends and girlfriends. maybe i just make this thing a big deal because maybe i still have some underlying issues about what happened in the past BUT HECK FOR SURE I'M DONE INVALIDATING MYSELF AND MAKING EXCUSES FOR PEOPLE. okay, maybe i am afraid of being left again by people i treasured the most, but that's just it. i am tired of this. i am tired of waiting for answers and explanations. i just never thought i would feel this way again, i never thought one of them would make me feel this way again.

would it hurt anyone to at least be honest? to at least have some basic decency to let me know and decide for myself?