#surprise new dawn screenshots!

[lulu2992]

[itsmadeofwaffles]

One night I had a weird dream about HM FoMT, at first I just wanted to illustrate my vision with some made up screenshots and gifs. But as I kept working on them I felt the need to also tell a story so, I ended up writing a one shot fanfic:

(Or if you prefer the text only version on AO3)

Until Dawn

Summary:

A sudden hurricane alert causes more than heavy rains and some falling trees. "Be careful when climbing the mountain. There are no wolves or bears, but you can't be too cautious. Know what I mean?." Once warned Gotz, but what did his words meant well, Claire will soon find out...

"Welcome home! You arrived just in time, I have finished making dinner." Said Karen enthusiastically standing next to a served table.

Lately her cooking had gotten slightly less disastrous with the help of Claire's guidance at the kitchen and, combined with the fact that the Farmer's stomach was now even more resilient to the strange meals, since that one winter when she spend a whole week eating questionable "foods" at the mines after getting lost while searching for the mythical Kappa Jewels. Somehow eating random herbs, mushrooms and other "looks edible enough" items had prepared her for her future married life.

"Sorry I couldn't help you with the dinner. I found some leaks in the roof of the chicken coop and it took me some time to fix it." Said Claire while washing her hands before taking a seat at the table. "The hurricane alert came out of nowhere."

"Don't worry, the safety of the farm is also important and I wanted to surprise you with a new recipe." Replied Karen while taking her seat across the table. "Remember next monday is the Harvest Festival, so I have to keep practicing if I want to impress everyone this year."

The dish in front of Claire was curry, one of the many recipes from the cook book she had written over the last few years since starting a life at the farm and the book her wife now used as a reference.

Realizing that Karen was waiting for her to taste the meal, the farmer thanked for the food and took a spoonful of rice and curry and proceeded to savor all the textures and flavors. -Hmm… The carrot is still under cooked... The burnt taste of the onion actually brings out it's sweetness and is a good contrast to the spiciness.- were some of her toughs as she eat and even if the rice was still on the watery side the meal was surprisingly tasty.

"Sasha is going to be so proud in the next Harvest Festival!" Claire said once she was able to speak again. "This is so good! Is sweet and spicy, the bamboo shoots gave it a distinctive crunch and the sauce is well seasoned. Just be sure to cut the carrots and potatoes more evenly to ensure they cook together and let the rice water to evaporate a bit longer to avoid the mushiness."

"You really think so?" Asked the one who for the longest time held the title of being 'unable to cook to save her life' not believing the farmer's words.

"Yes! I'm sure this curry will leave everyone in town speechless."

And after that exchange the two continued their dinner talking about how their day went and anything else that crossed their minds.

~~•~~•~~

Around midnight, just like the weather forecast had predicted, the storm started as a light rain that in a few hours turned into a hurricane, regardless, Claire went to sleep knowing the farm would be fine or so, she thought.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

At some point past 4am, the sound of the wind and raindrops falling onto the roof were violently replaced by a knocking door and the sound of yelling coming from the entrance of the house:

Knock! Knock! Knock!

"WAKE UP!! They are free again!"

Not waiting for an answer from the homeowners, the front door was abruptly opened and two men covered in raincoats made their way into the house. "Hurry! If we don't stop them the town will be doomed!" A second voice yelled.

At the sound of the intruders Claire opened her eyes and ran towards the entrance of the house, standing by the door she saw Gotz the Woodcutter and Thomas the Mayor of the town, before she could even start to question why they had irrupted into her house at this hour Gotz started to talk:

"The hurricane destroyed one of the mountain seals, Harris and Carter are already looking for it." Explained in a hurried voice. Somehow while explaining this his voice sounded as if he was doing everything in his power to remain calm, which to Claire it was disconcerting. "Here... Use this to defend yourself and don't let them get you. If they get a hold of you... You'll..."

Gotz didn't finish what he was saying, instead he shoved a long box into the farmer's arms and left for the mountains leaving Thomas behind.

Still standing in his spot, the color of his face was nowhere to be seen and the horror was clear in his eyes yet he tried to sound calm as he spoke "Listen, there's not much time before it starts." Quickly glancing at his pocket watch it read 4:36am. "Use what Gotz gave you to fight back and do your best to survive until morning. Last time… a tragedy occurred." He added with a somber look.

"It's almost time, I have to go and check on Saibara back in town. Be careful and fight as many as you can, just... resist until dawn."

Thomas left the farm heading to the town leaving a very confused Claire behind, once she had barely processed what had occurred she went back to the dorm were she found both occupants still sleeping, Karen and Pachu, the dog somehow continued to sleep as if nothing had happened at all.

Realizing that she kept holding the long box Gotz had shoved into her arms, she opened it to discover a simple hand crafted wooden bat with some odd markings engraved and a "Good luck" note inside. The strange "gift" confused her even more if it was possible.

But as soon as the farmer was starting to think of everything as some sort of joke the clock rang, the sudden sound caused her to look at it, 4:44am. -Why would announce this hour?- Claire wondered then she felt a strange pressure around her.

A strange dark haze covered the room and suddenly it dissipated in seconds, the wooden floors were replaced by hard, cold stone, the walls were covered in a thick layer of rotten grime, somehow the TV in the room turned itself on but only static could be seen.

Claire rushed to Karen's side, the woman was still sleeping but something on her was off, like if her body belonged to a different reality, frozen in place. Not wanting to disturb it and cause a tragedy the Farmer decided to walk away.

Clank! Clank! CRASH!

The sounds came from the kitchen.

"What's that!?" She exclaimed at the same time as Pachu ran barking towards the source of the sound. "He… He wasn't affected by any of this?" Not sure if that was a good or a bad thing she just felt relief for not being alone in this.

Before leaving for the kitchen, Claire gave one final look to the room and noticed that the friendly looking portrait of the Lake Deity that adorned the wall got replaced by the portrait of a being that clearly didn't belonged to this world. "I hope this is just a nightmare."

~~•~~•~~

Crawling through the stone floor an oozing dark sludge was moving. Claire couldn't help but stare at it unable to move, simply witnessing the bizarre event before her eyes and firmly clutching her hands to the bat she was holding.

Standing next to her Pachu kept growling at the sludge, the fur of his back up, ready to attack and defend his territory.

"This… Can't be… Happening!" The farmer whispered not fully understanding what she saw. The sound of her voice seemed to alert the amorphous sludge of her presence and started to head her way.

"Iii'm... HooOmEee!" An eerie voice suddenly emanated from the sludge as it approached both the farmer and the dog. "WeeLcoOmEee hOoMeEe!"

Claire felt a shiver going through her body at the sound of the creepy unearthly voice. "It's... talking… Why is talking!?" She cried trying to make sense of it.

As the creature crawled closer to her, it started to shapeshift, the sludge grew in size and morphed to resemble what seemed to be an humanoid form, it was as tall as an adult person, no hair, no skin, just the slime. When it was close enough to the farmer it's head twisted itself in a terrifying way to meet directly with her and when their yellowed eyes devoid of life made contact with Claire's, for a brief moment, she could feel how it saw through her soul as an incessant echoing of voices invaded every corner of her mind.

The creature's body oozed with the black sludge. "WeelCoomEee... DiinEeer iiS... rEeaAdy!" Screeched as it lunged itself towards Claire.

The screech broke her trance and without thinking twice she gripped the wooden bat in her hands and swung it at full force towards the monster, closing her eyes briefly she felt the impact and then saw how the monster's head splattered across the room, the body collapsed in front of her, returning to be an immobile pile of rotten goo.

"It… Worked…" She said trembling and struggling to catch her breath, more sure than ever that those creatures didn't belonged to this dimension nor reality and not wanting to make eye contact with them ever again.

Looking around the kitchen, Claire saw the monster's leftovers on the cabinets of the kitchen and thought it would be impossible to remove monster innards stains. -Why I'm worrying about something like that now?- She laughed at herself.

Bark! Bark! Grrr! Bark!

Her thoughts were interrupted by the barking and growling coming from the other room that reminded her that this wasn't over yet.

Rushing to the next room she found two piles of sludge approaching the barking dog, one by the table and another one by the bookshelf.

Using all the strength she could muster she hit the one closer to the table, in that moment a shriek was heard and the creature collapsed into a puddle of dark slime meanwhile, across the room the remaining monster readied itself to attack Pachu, the dog growled menacingly, Claire not taking a chance pushed the table between the two to create a barrier causing the monster to refocus it's target.

The humanoid sludge released a war cry, the sound was so unnatural and so nauseating that for a moment the farmer flinched, barely avoiding the incoming attack, she dodged it, quickly turning to her right to reposition her stance and then...

PLAF!

From the corner of her eye she spotted another one appearing by the window and with the adrenaline still rushing through her body she launched herself to it, getting rid of the monster before it could even take it's humanoid shape.

"How many more there are!? Where these are coming from!?" she said exasperated. "Sigh… Thomas said I need to keep doing this until dawn but…" The clock on the wall read 4:44am. "Time hasn't moved at all!"

The growling and shrieking sounds coming from different areas of the farm interrupted her complaints, and deciding that she would leave that for a moment when those who she cares about, and herself, won't be in an imminent danger to get answers. She gripped her weapon and braced herself for what seemed to be the longest night in her life.

~~•~~•~~

Two… five… nine… twelve… Losing track of how many she had dispatched so far and not sure of how much time had passed, if at all, since the last time she checked the clock the tiredness was already taking a tool on her, her arms ached and now under the rain, keeping herself up was an even more complicated task.

One more appeared by the carrots, feeling her head spinning and dreading the possibility of this nightmare never ending Claire took a deep breath and proceeded to encounter the monster.

PLAF!

"I... I... Did it…" That was the last of her strength. Claire felt her knees gave in and her body collapsing on the ground, at the same time the clock back in the house finally rang at 6am; The dark haze from before engulfed the farm and like before once it dissipated, the strange pressure was lifted off and everything returned to normal.

Understanding what that meant the farmer closed her eyes and passed out of tiredness and relief that the nightmare was over.

~~•~~•~~

The sound of water drops hitting the windows and the distant thunders eventually woke up a very confused Claire, as she tried to get up a sharp pain made her yelp and fall onto the bed again. "Gah…! My arms hurt! What… I'm doing here…?" She tried to make memory of when she got to bed last night but, the last thing she could remember was the chickens and the heavy rain.

"Urgk… There's no way fixing the chicken coop can tire me like this..." Making another effort she finally was able to sit on the side of the bed "Huh...?" -Gotz, Thomas and… The nasty goop monsters.- "I remember!" The farmer stood up so quickly that it got her dizzy.

"There are slimy monster remains around the house! How I'm going to explain this to Karen?" -Karen!- Her eyes scanned the room but no one besides her was here. -Did... she woke up? Is she hurt?- As she hurried towards the door a new fear was unlocked. "Pachu! What happened to him!"

Stumbling into the kitchen and almost tripping, the first thing she saw was Pachu happily chewing on some carrots. "Pachu! You're not hurt!" The dog got up and went to greet it's owner wagging it's tail, when the dog was at arms reach she picked it up to hug him. "Ouch! My arms hate me right now but I don't care, I'm so relieved that nothing happened to you!"

"Ohh… You finally woke up." The Farmer turned to the source of the voice while allowing the dog to return to his snack. "I was getting worried because you usually are the first one to wake up but since there's a hurricane… I thought it would be good to let you rest some more."

Karen now was standing right next to her, a quick flashback of her previous unresponsive state, the echoing of tortured voices invaded her mind and, ignoring all the pain in her body she couldn't help but throw her arms around her and tightly hug her in relief. "You… Were worried about, me…? I'm the one who didn't knew if you or anything would return to normal ever again!" She cried as she felt some tears forming in the corner of her eyes.

"Huh!? What do you mean?" A confused Karen asked trying to understand the situation, she was rubbing her hand on the back of the farmer to try and reassure her. "Did you have a nightmare last night? I'm perfectly fine." She added now fully returning the hug, together they stood like that for a few minutes as Claire calmed down.

"The dark haze, the horrendous monsters, the incessant voices of creatures forced into life… And the house is a mess, how can… ehh!?" Finally breaking the hug she threw a look around realizing that everything was in place. "But the table was… And the windows were… The cabinets didn't…" The farmer was speechless.

Unable to comprehend how the room was in perfect state. -Did last night truly was a nightmare or... some type of hallucination?- She started to question her own sanity. -Okay, let's see, my body aches and…- suddenly her thoughts were interrupted by a gentle hand in her forehead.

"Hmm… You don't seem to have a fever, maybe we should simply take a seat." Karen gently guided her to the sofa in the living room "Okay, now take a deep breath, I'm going to make some tea so you can tell me about your nightmare. You'll feel better talking about it." She was heading back to the kitchen but then stopped "Oh! I almost forgot to tell you, I found a letter addressed to you by the entrance. Here."

[Dear Claire:

We're so sorry for intruding like we did last night, I really hopped "this event" to never repeat itself again but unfortunately nature wasn't on our side, and I'm sure you have a lot of questions and probably want to personally express your frustration at us.

I want you to know how grateful I am that you could overcome this terrible task in success.

This is something that your grandfather didn't wish to inherit you and neither we did.

I assure you we'll give you the answers you seek soon, just have patience, I know this is to much to ask for but please act as if it hadn't happened, we don't want to cause a commotion.

Sincerely, Thomas.

P.S. Don't throw away the bat.]

"They really are asking me this? After all that!? The nerve." She murmured to herself as she finished reading. "What did my grandfather knew? Well, at least now I know it was real."

Now that she had calmed down, Claire decided to head back to the kitchen too, where she told a version of her nightmare to Karen who in exchange suggested that maybe the farmer has been working to much lately and that it's good that they can take the day off and relax until the storm is over, together they eat strawberry cake and had tea.

For now at least, this was over and she could return to her every day life as a farmer.

[striderstable]

Kallisti, Monk of the Old Order

[ID: screenshot from the video game neverwinter nights enhanced edition, original campaign chapter one, featuring a female human monk player character with a shaved head wearing the robes of the old order, which resembles the habit of a european medieval monk, standing in front of a tavern table into the side of which the image's watermark of striders table dot tumblr dot com cleverly appears to have been carved by some miscreant or another. next to her is the henchman halfling rogue tomi undergallows. the semi-transparent character record and inventory GUI's are both open, showing the PC's stats and a number of items she wears or carries, all of which are pretty much standard for a low level monk in this game. /end ID]

I want to talk a little bit about this character but I might go on for quite a bit so I'll put it under the cut.

Not long ago I posted about my previous monk character, also of the Old Order, and how excited I was that after having imported him into the Enhanced Edition of Neverwinter Nights, you could actually see the cloak he was wearing (in the original versions of the game, you could only see it as a static icon in the inventory, not how it looked on the character, animated and everything). Well, imagine my surprise when while playing yet another monk character I came across a new and improved version of the Robes of the Old Order that looked more like something Friar Tuck or Brother Cadfael might wear.

This is not the only item that looks different in the EE when you find it in the wild as opposed to buying it in the store (for example, the wizard robes are now actually long flowing robes, but only if you start the game with them, someone gives them to you, or you find them in the course of adventuring, such as in a chest). But I liked these enhanced Robes of the Old Order so much that I was prompted to create a whole new character around them. The portrait I ended up using was perfect for this--alas, I haven't been able to track down the artist via Google reverse image search, it came as part of a portrait pack I downloaded long ago--and thankfully one of the in-game avatars for female human characters had a shaved head, because as I might have mentioned before I'm a stickler for things like my PC's avatar matching their portrait.

Anyway, I had to use a cheat to give her the enhanced version of the Robes of the Old Order at the outset, and if she doesn't acquire the Improved Robes of the Old Order on her own before the end of Chapter One I'll use it again to give her those, because the game isn't always as great about rewarding certain character classes as it is others. This is pretty much the only reason I'd ever want to cheat in this game; that is, for roleplaying purposes (I did a similar thing with my Undead Hunter Ranger/Cleric of the Dawnfather, giving him a Shield of Dawn when the game didn't do so automatically within what I considered a reasonable amount of time). Sometimes you have to be your own DM. ;)

Partly inspired by Beauregard of Critical Role Campaign 2, but also by Campaign 3's overall theme, I decided that despite the required "Lawful" alignment, this monk would be pretty chaotic and also atheistic. I don't mean that in the sense of not believing that the gods exist, just being of the opinion that they aren't necessary. See, somewhere along the way I decided that the Old Order is (despite the Western style of the monastic habit) more akin to Eastern philosophies such as Daoism and Zen Buddhism. I didn't just make that up out of the blue, however, it was based squarely on the very sparse amount of information available to us on the Order, such as this scant paragraph from the Forgotten Realms Wiki:

"The Old Order was dedicated to the philosophy espoused by a certain deity, but they did not worship this deity, nor any other, apparently preferring to leave them alone. Their deity was either deceased or had never existed on Toril's Material Plane; the monks were contradictory about this. Some outsiders doubted they'd ever even had a god. The monks considered even the deity's identity unimportant, instead caring only about their message."

What is remarkable about this is that in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting, the soul of any mortal who died without a patron deity got absorbed as a punishment into this enormous wall surrounding the City of Judgment (known as the Wall of the Faithless for this reason) "and wholly became a part of it". Whether you consider this to be an objective fact or only a belief, I have come to the conclusion that the Old Order at least, teaches that it is merely the latter. I don't necessarily see the Order as antagonistic toward any faith, however, except the most destructive and imbalanced ones. Rather I think its mission is to enlighten, and with enlightenment comes the understanding that beliefs are just that--beliefs, and the practitioner would be better off realising the truth.

The vagueness of the description of the Old Order is therefore an asset as far as I'm concerned; it has allowed me the freedom to create my own dogma--or in this case, the absence of such--for the monk character I built around the idea.

[consequencesofargentdawn]

More news and update regarding the sloppy tactics of Grim Dawn in Duskwood.

Yesterday we witnessed them launch a completely random surprise force-arrest upon the GM of a guild in Darkshire. This was all public in the town hall, and resulted in the rest of the GD cronies conveniently appearing in the hall within minutes to fight members of said guild. I whispered some from the guild who were attacked and they expressed great stress at the fact they were not even informed, talked with nor was anything discussed/reasoned with in this foolish attempt to essentially force kill a guild and completely alter the course of their guild plans. This also happened at almost 1am on a Saturday evening and was confirmed by multiple members of the guild that they didn't even know any of this was going to happen whatsoever - so there was no prior OOC discussion or agreements from GD towards said guild. More GD lackeys making themselves look like utter fools by forcing authority upon other guilds in that zone and then having to do the walk of shame back outside when said guild doesn't put up with their shit and entertain petty political grabs for power. It's clear that those affiliated don't care for creating enjoyable roleplay for others. They rely on metagaming and pathetic power tactics to feel a sense of superiority. Send the flood, COAD.

All we can say to our readers is "You are the flood", we are but the simple messengers. We do have to ask our readers though - is this what you want the Alliance to degrade into? A washed out, inept version of the Rotgarde doing the same type of bullyboy tactics to get legitimacy? Show them that they are not able to push you around and edit them out of your RP.

We also encourage that you screenshot your interactions with the Grim Dawn, screenshot, screenshot, screenshot. They will always contest there is "NO PROOF!!!!11" Despite there already being a small burial mounds worth. Screenshot and submit here, we will do so with total anonymity on your behalf.

[sunnydaleherald]

The Sunnydale Herald Newsletter, Wednesday, August 2 – Thursday, August 3

LORNE (takes the phone away from his ear, covers the mouthpiece with his hand, talks to Fred and Gunn) They say we need bloodroot. GUNN Bloodroot? Man, we just raided the spice rack in the kitchen. There ain't no bloodroot in there. LORNE (puts phone to his ear again) Uh, 86 on the bloodroot, ladies. Anything else we can— Well, yeah, I have, uh, (reads off the labels on the jars Fred and Gunn brought) paprika, ginger, allspice, clove— Cloves? That'll work? Oh, got it. Beautiful. Hey, soon as FTD's delivering in the city again, expect a big "Thanks a Bunch" bouquet from me, girls. Ciao! (hangs up) Ha ha ha!

~~Salvage~~

The Sunnydale Herald is looking for at least one new editor. Contributing to the Herald is a great way to get your Buffy on! Find out more here.

[Drabbles & Short Fiction]

Worried But Proud by badly_knitted (Joyce, Buffy, Giles, PG)

Rebellious Teen by veronyxk84 (Buffy/Spike & Dawn, PG-13)

Surprise Party by EllieRose101 (Buffy/Spike, Scoobies, T)

A Matter of Mothballs by 23Murasaki (Scoobies, T)

Reprieve by Scribes1015 (Buffy/Angel, M)

Soul Guardian by violettathepiratequeen (Buffy/Spike, G)

Love Day by Scar_Eve (Spike/Drusilla, T)

Backstage 48 - Listen to the Mockingbird by Aadler (Giles, Drusilla, G)

Lawyering up by Aragorn_II_Elessar (The Flash crossover, Lilah Morgan, T)

dream(ed) girl by voices_not_echoes (Dawn & Drusilla, T)

Spuffy Undercover by To Be Hers (Buffy/Spike, G)

for it is in giving that we receive by jedibuttercup (Firefly crossover, Buffy, FR13)

5 o'clock weather by Julikobold (Buffy/Spike, OCs, G)

[Chaptered Fiction]

Can't Salvage This - Chapter 1 by fatalfae (Angelus/Buffy, Angelus/Dawn, Spike/Buffy, M)

shining just for you - Chapter 1-2 by buffysbeanie (Buffy/Faith, ensemble, T)

Cornered - Chapter 1 by Lythande1972 (Buffy vs. Angelus, Buffy & Scoobies, not rated)

These Violent Delights - Chapter 1 by Mirrored_Illusions (Stargate Atlantis crossover, Buffy, G)

The Girls Without the Gift - Chapter 1-3 (COMPLETE!) by duh_i_write (Cordelia, Anya, Drusilla, M)

Nanna’s Gift - Chapter 1-12 by VolcanicThread (Giles/OC, Ethan/Joyce, Cordelia/Willow, ensemble, E)

The Problem with Rifts - Chapter 1-2 by G85atkins (crossover with The Avengers and Dragon Age: Inquisition, Buffy, T)

An Avalanche of Echoes - Chapter 1 by Mirrored_Illusions (Stargate crossover, Buffy, T)

binds - Chapter 1-3 (COMPLETE!) by The_Eclectic_Bookworm (Jenny Calendar, OCs, G)

Lost and Found - Chapter 1 by SpiderQuinn (crossover with Supernatural, Buffy, T)

Vanilla and Spice - Chapter 1-7 by MaggieLaFey (Buffy/Spike, E)

Use It or Lose It, Ch. 36 by Dynamite (Buffy/Spike, NC-17)

More Found Family Ties, Ch. 6 by Julikobold (Buffy/Spike, G)

Keepsakes, Ch. 39 by violettathepiratequeen (Buffy/Spike, PG-13)

A Second Chance- Their Story, Ch. 2 by Loup Noir (Buffy/Spike, NC-17)

Because I could not stop death, Ch. 6 by Desicat (Buffy/Spike, R)

The Plunge, Ch. 7-8 by Harlow Turner (Buffy/Spike, PG-13)

The Plunge, Ch. 8 by Harlow Turner (Buffy/Spike, PG-13)

The Roads not taken, Ch. 9 by Lluvia (Buffy/Spike, NC-17)

The Time I Dated a Puppet, Ch. 7 by ClowniestLivEver (Buffy/Spike, R)

From Hell with Love, Ch. 20 by temporarytitle (Buffy/Spike, R)

Vegas Mishap, Ch. 6 by mmooch (Iron Man crossover, Buffy, FR13)

Keepsakes, Ch. 39 by violettathepiratequeen (Buffy/Spike, PG-13)

Dream, Ch. 15-18 by Dusty (Buffy/Spike, R)

Creative Solutions, Ch. 5 by Harlow Turner (Buffy/Spike, PG-13)

Part of the Family, Ch. 3-4 by Harlow Turner (Buffy/Spike, Oz/Willow/Tara, PG-13)

College Is Awesome! Ch. 2-3 by Grief Counseling (Buffy/Spike, NC-17)

The Time We Had, Ch. 49 by Dusty (Buffy/Spike, NC-17)

[Images, Audio & Video]

Buffy Summers gifset by maliaatate (worksafe)

Drawing: Will you be slaying? by kiestrokes (worksafe)

doodle referenced from a something blue screenshot by spikedru (Buffy/Spike, worksafe)

Drawing and fic rec: Girlfriend Club by tubesock86 (Tara & Spike & Anya, worksafe)

Drawing: twilight energy spuffy by tubesock86 (Buffy/Spike, worksafe)

[Reviews & Recaps]

The Buffy Re-watch: S1E10 (part 1) [Nightmares] by jvstheworld

So I've been watching season 6 of BtVS. I don't think I like it much. by spangelmybeloved

Best cold open? by ArcadeViolet

My thoughts on Buffy season 1 and season 2 by Quiet-Living8975

Pop Culture Role Call: Rolls-Royce - Angel S05E03 - Unleashed

[Recs & In Search Of]

More Links Than A Bag Of Sausages by petzipellepingo

[Community Announcements]

Kink of the Month for August announced at thespangelkink

Final roundup of 2023 Summer of Giles

[Fandom Discussions]

Giles giving Buffy nicknames by angelique-of-the-volturi-guard

I don’t think there is a show out there that hates pinball machines more than Buffy by anon, disco-tea, aphony-cree

Things that bug me with portrayals of the Fanged Four in many fics by gh-0-stcup

I don't dislike Andrew's presence in season 7 of Buffy , but... by thericeballofcamelot

Is Snyder's insistance on making Buffy participate in school things... kind of solid? by whimsiebat

If you could remove any story line or plot point from BTVS and Angel... by emperor-spriggan

Would you date one of the main cast? by Smart-A22

Riley's Age by TomorrowNotFound

Poll: You have a choice to become one of these characters... by rfresa

No One Else Could've Stopped Dark Willow by cvscvs2

[Articles, Interviews, and Other News]

James Marsters Dublin Comic Con 2023 Schedule via jamie_marsters

Get Your Stakes Ready: Buffy Watch Parties and more at mag.remarkist.com this August

Saving the World: A Buffy Quiz, Gothic Heroines, Slayer Bracket Challenge, and 90s Grunge at mag.remarkist.com

Submit a link to be included in the newsletter!

[annicaax]

I have a request could you pls send the aizen and koga's sequel in English version?

Hie, do you mean posting the summaries and screenshots? I'd definitely, definitely do it! I will but it's gonna take a LOT of time.

I've just begun Playing ARR JP today, and you know what, it's like starting everything from scratch!

I was about to make a detailed post about the same thing (my new app installation/play experience) but I'm also answering here. The game made me play through the prologue. That's about 10 episodes, maybe. I used the skip option, even so setting up had took me the entire sunday afternoon.

And I'm currently supposed to clear the Twilight Faction Introductory book and reach Aizen Affection Level 12 to be able to play Aizen.

As of now I'm rank 6 and I have zero main story keys and my Aizen affection level is 1. That's not surprising because literally I've begun playing the app today. (Ugh this... when I have 4500+ diamonds and my rank is 389 in EN version and got Aizen affection level maxed out at 150)

So I'm basically a beginner in the ArR JP and I have to use my translation app to understand story texts (I'm sure I could figure out layout somehow, but to understand the text/dailogue, I need translation tools.

Plus, if I'm reading a route, If I'm using the translate app on each of the sentences, I'm gonna spend at least 3× more time than usual) but... That's better than not being able to play the game ever at all. And I'm willing do it, but it's gonna be a slow progress because of the above reasons, and my personal/worklife.

As for Koga's sequel. I must clear dawn preview book and Koga's lovers book to be able to read his sequel. I'd love to do it right away if I can but I can't... It seems almost impossible at this point so maybe sometime in future!

Things are gonna move at snail's pace. Yeah. Sorry. Someone who's already playing the route may be able to do it. Please check Daeva Agas's blog. She's been playing JP Ayakoi from a long time now... and she should be able to help you❤️

If you have query regarding installation of the Ayakoi app, please feel free to reach out to me, I can surely help. But please understand we can't straight away jump to playing our fav stories in the Ayakoi app.

^^ Have a lovely day

[cat434]

Him

For starters, I know... I know very well how easy it is to just call him Kane-san... BUT there are 3 things that were engraved in my mind the day I saw his pretty face for the first time in my life:

THE Katsugeki screenshot (iykyk)

That long hair (can I talk about the pretty braid and his earrings too?).

His name was too long and I remembered him as the Izumi-something guy

So ever since that faithful meeting (bless you Mudae for that), he's been stuck in my mind as Izumi

So I call him Izumi most of the time on my own (I also like the sound for some reason) but I know how everyone calls him so at this point is a constant switch. Still though, in Dawn, Akemi calls him like I do, which is Izumi (if she ever dares to actually call his name because I noticed how I don't like to call names either for some reason?).

Anyway, surprise! I adore him to pieces...

Yes, I know he's silly. I know he's a headache and we both need Mama Hori to take care of us (he's still waiting that raise I promised him since we re-started Dawn)...

But I can't help it, he's a sun and I have my reasons to call him everything that comes to mind and I will finally explain why I love him that much despite not aligning with every other character I've loved before (actually, I found the core reason and he fits that too but I'll keep that for later).

This may not be all that objective or cold-analysis based but I think that's not the approach I needed to make this interpretation either.

Starting from the basics... Who is Izuminokami Kanesada? Sure, a cool, strong and stylish sword. Yet, he wasn't made by the highly-praised 2nd generation of Kanesada blacksmiths but rather by the 11th or 12th generation... And he doesn't have any complains about being born...

Now, that's a half-lie. Sure, complaining and mulling over it is different, as well as is shoving aside certain thoughts and pretend that is just focusing on your duty. And why am I accusing him already? Because he won't ever say a single word. He'd rather bite the ground than to say that he has doubts. After all, you can't be confident in yourself if you don't think you are right in whatever it is that you do or choose.

~(Been there, done that. Sweetie, you need more to fool me)~

Now, not saying he's arrogant (he's damn lazy tho). But have you heard of that "Say it until you can make it"?

That is exactly the type of person he is, I think. Say it, repeat it, hear it from someone else and surely, you'll know you are right. You'll know your efforts are worth something and are taking you towards what you want to do.

So that overwhelming confidence is like a wish (cue to that song I love that he sings with Hori from the katsugeki extra songs).

The wish to be strong, to overcome whatever it is that gets thrown at you and always stand proud... I think it's a beautiful wish, one that I have too.

But can he live up to that?

He's a sword, yes. He fought at the side of his past master, yes. But, what was that for? He couldn't even bring victory in the end. Heck no, he wasn't even there. If he could have had the chance... Would that change anything though? In a world where time flows and even a famous sword eventually finds its place as nothing more than a reminder of past glory while new weapons and technology develops...

Watching Katsugeki, one would think that the core of his character is his regret towards not being able to be with his master in the front lines. But I think that, while it is ONE reason, it's not all. And even his letter says something along those lines on how "his core is about missing the past".

~(It also took me long to figure you out, I wonder if at this point I'm also a blockhead when it comes to feelings)~

Now, what does he miss? Everything. To live in the era where swords thrived, when he was needed (man is actually a tachi 👀☝ so ofc he eventually would be set aside in favor of more practical swords that are smaller to carry around, hence Horikawa sticking around for longer with their former master). And tachis became more like a symbol of status at some point with the introduction of guns and the sort (that explains why he dislikes Mutsu yet they are still very similar in that they had to face the change in times but each with their own perspective).

At that point, one would question their own worth.

"What am I here for? What am I supposed to do just staying here? It's not even the end yet I'm already being put aside..."

Swords have different stories associated to their names, in fact, that's what gave them their name. Sliced something? *insert the name of the sliced object and add kiri*

But him? He was made by a Kanesada, sure... Still a famous blacksmith but... even their reputation was declining. In fact, it's almost as if everything he's surrounded by will end anytime. And so, he never got his chance to make a name for himself. He never got a name other than the one inscribed in his blade because the time he had was too short.

And does he complain about that? No, of course not... But do those questions or thoughts come to mind? Most likely often...

He may never say a word but that doesn't mean he never thinks of it. He just has other things to focus on or at least tries to focus on those other things... Does it work though? Who knows...

And that would be the 1st part (I would probably write an actual essay on him, wow)

I haven't even got to the point of my own impressions but surely... some... day... hehe...

[crystalelemental]

Alright I'm gonna be honest.  I didn't initially intend to do this.  But the last few weeks have been about doing some random shenanigans, and I hit Dark and went huh.  I've kinda used all options available now.  And that's when it dawned on me.  I never did secondary damage type clears.

Vs. Olivia There are two options for this in my current roster: Leon, and May.  I opted for May, for no reason in particular.  May's Earth Power is okay, but is mostly notable for having Surging Sand 5.  You know.  The thing Cynthia has.  I opted for condition 1 with permanent field effects, to ease the requirements on Ingo and Courtney while she spammed her DPS.  It worked out decently well.  Gauges are a little bit of an issue until Ingo gets going, but May's damage is pretty significant even at only +4.

Vs. Acerola Oh, Lysandre.  This is a pretty fun team.  I didn't want SS Cyrus completely overshadowing his attempts, so I went with SS Elesa and Lucian as a combo.  This was strategic: SS Elesa's trainer move perfectly complements Lysandre's for a fast-ramp, and her special attack boosting after the fact helps cap his needs.  As an EX support, she powers up those Dark Pulses for really nice damage, while Lucian supplies gauge and debuffing.  The fun is that, if Elesa rolls MPR on her trainer move, she and Lysandre can fast-ramp a second time with trainer moves again.  Also, Lysandre has a 60% flinch if you take both Dark Pulse nodes, which is great for disruption.  For anyone curious, the final Dark Pulse hit for like 13k.

Vs. Kahili Fun fact: I initially overlooked Bede because I forgot primarily Fairy somehow, and was super stuck on Wallace for a bit.  So I got to learn that Mirror Coat won't even activate unless he's hit with a special move, and Kahili's like all physical.  One time, the sides hit with Air Cutter.  He dealt like 4k.  Wallace needs a grid expansion real bad.

But enough of that.  Bede's really good.  Roxanne speeds up the team beautifully, and is a relatively nice tank as well.  Bede's Psybeam actually does respectable damage after an EX support sync, hitting around 7k under Terrain.  Bianca also surprised me; I figured lack of crit would hold her back, but she was throwing out like 4k attacks too.  Unexpected, I'll tell you that much.  And of course, Bede has his Max Move to just throw out.  We got to save it for the last remaining side, because DPS alone still handled Kahili.  Legitimately thinking of EXing Bede.

Vs. Hala This is why May took Ground.  Leon is my only "Flying as Secondary" sync pair.  He does really well on damage, being able to easy blast through center with his Max move, and OHKO sides with Hurricane after an EX support sync.  Now that said.  I was right to bring Lillie.  The flinch mattered.  Because when she missed it, this moron dropped from full HP to dead in one AoE attack.  Leon's a bit of a problem.

Vs. Kukui Yeah, you may have seen the screenshot, but I tried out SS Acerola and SC Steven for a partner who doesn't even really need the Sun.  Lodge Lillie just accepts the stacks of moves up next, rebuff, SEUN, and then throws out Petal Blizzard turn 4 and hits like 14k for a denial, then 18k on center alone.  This is...not what I expected to happen here, but I am very satisfied with the outcome.

Final Thoughts I kinda liked this one.  I dunno, I feel like...I feel like maybe Masters should lean into this a bit more.  Not forcing something like this, I don't even think you could barring some CS condition that reduces your sync damage specifically.  But making sync pairs with secondary DPS types.  I feel like there's some good fun to be had in such an approach, and it simplifies the search for new methods to clear content.  I feel like it's also a good stepping stone for off-typing.  You get a better sense for how to boost DPS in general, and can apply that to off-type.

[m-m--tv]

[-REVIEW-] Shygirl: Nymph_O

Screenshots taken from YouTube [1] [2] [3]

Cover art taken from YouTube Music

“Fallen angel by my side | Fallen, fallen | Heaven holding me so I”

(Can you believe it ?? My first non-kpop review !) 

The announcement of Nymph_O, a remix album of experimental pop – and personal – darling Shygirl’s first full length project, was one that completely took me by surprise, in a GREAT way. I really should have seen it coming when the Tinashe version of Heaven dropped, but I guess I was too busy losing my mind over that one to really truly pay attention. Anyways, it was quite the exciting announcement; though I personally liked Nymph a lot, particularly the softer & brighter tracks like Heaven, Honey or Firefly for exemple, it did feel like she was playing it safer overall with a much less ‘edgy’ sound than the one of her preceding EP, ALIAS, which is what originally gathered her so much (deserved) praise. I mean, in a weird roundabout way, I guess that was playing it risky for someone like Shygirl, because that tamer side of her had basically never been shown before, and it was especially well explored on the tracks I mentioned before. All that to say, a brand new take on that album left room for so many dreams to be dreamed up during the rollout (would weird Shygirl make a comeback ?? could it be a clubbed-up Nymph ?? is it gonna blow the original album out of the water ??), not to mention that the brand new songs announced to be packaged with the remix album were quite intriguing too. So in the end, how did Nymph_O fare on the roads leading to and beyond it ?

First of all, to answer the big big one million nymphollars question: yes, Nymph_O is the punched up Nymph we were all waiting for. Well, sort of. I’ll have to come back to that later. But for the most part, it’s a move that takes the Shygirl state back to a much more “alternative sound”, or at least somewhere close to it. I really like that as amped up as it is, the bright and whimsical energy of the original album is kept pretty much intact, think something like BB at dawn; it would have been very easy to completely discard it and just put together the scraps left behind into ALIAS 2.0, which I guess I wouldn’t have minded because I’m ALWAYS down for more of ALIAS, but then the very concept of Nymph would be meaningless, and we’d also lose that exploration of Shygirl’s softer side. In fact, I’d say that Nymph_O is when Nymph truly blossomed as a project; the remixing work on tracks such as Firefly or Wildfire not only takes already incredible songs to the next level (the edit of Firefly GAGGED me), but also allows other that already displayed potential to fully unleash it. Wildfire is a perfect exemple; though I liked the original, it kind of left me hungry for more, and it felt like something was missing. Here, with Eartheater on board, it truly turns into what I think Shy’s original vision was, that of an intoxicating ride where, despite being in control of every single part of the motherboard, she sounds almost transparent, like she’s flying right through our layers of reality in a lilac fog, unable to be pinned down by even the mere notion of understanding just what she is – that “I hear you say my name” intro alone is magnificent and adds so much to the lot. It’s not exclusive to Wildfire either; the subtle new touches on the Club Shy mix of Poison or the way her vocals are twisted against the frenetic background of the Firefly edit also come to mind, and they all create that same effect that is just so… her. Nymph_O puts Shygirl in the perfect position to do what she does best in a different environment. Everything is just… more, mounds of clay molded into ornate towers, like something inside of the original album was unlocked and it was free from the invisible chains that stifled it, to the point that it mostly gets relegated to the status of demo tape when standing next to this.

The re-polished shimmery sound is greatly supported by the new additions too; namely Angel, Crush and Unconditional (whether or not the latter is truly new is questionable, as it had previously been available on Bandcamp since 2020 to raise funds for Black Lives Matter, but I’ll take what I can get). The first two are particularly notable, and I’d go as far as to say they are discography highlights (even if the discography in question is admittedly short), and also key pilots of Nymph_O. Not only do they fit the concept perfectly, but they’re both such strong and cinematic tracks that they heavily color the album and form the feathers of its wings. Angel is an amazing introduction, with those powerful and somewhat somber synths that sound like you’re ascending in a beam of white light, which works perfectly with the slightly choir-like effect added on her vocals, and results in an opening that feels so grand and mythical; so quite a good red carpet to roll out. Crush is the real killer however, and even though the competition is pretty fierce at the top, it stands out as a clear favorite. The beautiful guitar-like strings with the descending glassy sounds in the background and the resounding synths that gently ebb in and out like waves, all on top of the slow tempo, feel like taking a walk through the gardens of some lost paradise in the sky, and it brings out a feeling of fragility that goes even deeper than anything previously explored on Nymph. It sort of took me by surprise, because even knowing that this entire thing was her more “stripped” era, Crush was particularly vulnerable, and it moved me quite a good bit. As for Unconditional, I don’t have that much to say about it aside from the lyrics being insanely good, since it’s pretty much an acapella track, but it is very new for Shygirl and a pretty nice “wind down” outro to the whole album. Together, they take the tracklist to new heights, from playful and sparkly to celestial and heavenly, with that energy bleeding out into the album as a whole.

BUT ! Though it’s far from enough to call it a whole panic in paradise, hints of something along these lines show here and there. While I talked about the new tracks, I avoided talking about the fourth one, Playboy/Positions, and I will make that clear right now; it’s a good song, a great song even, it’s Little Bit taken to its maximum (which is perfect since I originally found that one disappointingly unfinished) and an excellent addition to her repertoire. What I just said also stands for the 3 other tracks I’m gonna have to look at here – Woe (I See it From Your Side) (that I’ll be referring to as “Woe Björk remix” from now on because whew), Nike feat. DETO BLACK and Shlut feat. Sevdaliza. Unfortunately, I have to admit it; they really don’t fit on this album. You could make a case for Nike, I guess, because sonically it’s much brighter than the other 3, but still, they all stand in stark contrast with the shiny and heavenly sound that defines Nymph_O. They’re shadowy, more “corrosive”, crawling, almost nightmarish at times… and they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m really mixed, because like I said, I like them a lot, and the adjustments made to Nike and Shlut made me like them even more – DETO BLACK fits Nike well and makes it even more fun, while the new structure of Shlut just resonates with me more –, but I really think in a way they drag the album down just by virtue of feeling like they don’t belong and almost violently so. If you cut them out, you’re left with a 7 track EP that absolutely KILLS and has practically 0 blind spots. As is, they’re a hit to the complete package. I have no doubt that they’d make for a great standalone project, and I really wish that’s where they were put, because then I’d probably see their vision in full too. I wonder if they were added to Nymph_O as a sort of signal to the people that feared Shygirl would forever abandon her previous edgy and dark sound, because they’re very much a callback to it, especially Playboy/Positions and Woe Björk remix. From what I’ve seen, it seems to have worked, and it is proof that she still got it and is just as capable of acing the assertive grimy monster-ish energy as the glimmery and fairy-like one. It also leaves the question of what she’s gonna do next completely up in the air, because I don’t think there’s a clear path ahead – and that is exciting with an artist like Shygirl. Still, personally I think the signal takes up too much of the airwaves.

I’m not done with Nike and Shlut, because I also really wish these two were fully remixed like the other Nymph songs on the tracklist. I’m very happy with what we got, there’s a good balance of great new tracks and remixes great enough to feel as exciting as new tracks, but I’m not gonna lie, these two were already not on the same level as the Nymph highlights, and on an album full of highlights, they lag behind even more. They have the potential to be amazing rather than good, and I just know the Nymph_O touch would have done wonders for them too, but unfortunately in these base “baby” forms they just can’t compete with stuff like the Firefly Edit, Crush, Angel, or even their darker companions such as Playboy/Positions and Woe Björk Remix. Similarly, I wonder what Nymph_O versions of Come For Me and Honey would have sounded like; It’s a bit strange that they were completely left off the tracklist, not even added in with features like Nike and Shlut (can you imagine a Kelela feature on Honey ??? I would have died several times), especially for Honey as it already was an original album highlight and had one foot into the sound of Angel. Maybe it’s better ultimately, I know I would have complained about Come For Me in the previous paragraph at least. Still, oh well. It’s not like their absence is a massive hindrance to Nymph_O, not at all, but I would have greatly enjoyed new takes on them.

Interestingly, I’d say the results of this remix album are kind of like a reversed mirror of ALIAS; when contrasted, the latter acts as the upside-down reflection of Nymph_O standing on water. In fact, I’d call it more of a true ying to the ALIAS yang than Nymph was, because instead of just contrasting the hard with the soft, it does so using the exact same tools; glossy electronic beats with alt sensibilities and thick, wide poppy instrumentals. In that, they become true twins and mutual foils rather than antagonists to each other. One just dresses in bright baby blue while the other is clouded in shades of dark purple, but they’re the same shapes. Though I think it’s debatable whether or not they’re both totally equal, they certainly can try to go toe-to-toe as their atmospheres are both electric despite the very different sounds. This is all thanks to how Nymph_O built upon Nymph, injecting an energy that turned it back into prime Shygirl. In retrospect, I think it was the best move ever for the album, because it shows that Shygirl is more than capable of versatility and making the polar opposite of what she had been doing until now work – and, more importantly, work more or less on the same level as ALIAS. While Nymph was far from being a bad album (being the first full-length project of an artist following another project that gathered unanimous acclaim was always going to be tricky anyways), it still felt a bit… weaker than its predecessor, and that could have very easily been blamed on the sound change. With Nymph_O, Shygirl gracefully “course corrected” and proved that what makes her so alluring and fantastical isn’t going anywhere, no matter where she is going.

So for a remix album, I think it’s safe to say it’s a pretty good success !! There are ways in which it could have gone deeper / harder, but overall it really elevates the original album to a place much higher than just good. It’s really the definitive version of Nymph, and the one I run first to when I want to listen to the album. So then I guess it’s more of a rework than a remix since it’s not really an alternate take, rather a “platinum edition” ? Well, whatever it is, it’s a great conclusion to tie together the Nymph era, and certainly a strong addition as much in terms of standalone quality as artistic growth and talent showcase to a discography that is still somewhat early in the making.

~ First Listen Statistics ~ (Remember ! opinions grow like trees in spring)

Ranking: 

Firefly (Kingdom Edit) 9.9

Crush (feat. Erika de Casier) 9.6

Wildfire (Eartheater Remix) 9.3

Playboy / Positions 9.1

Poison (Shy Club Mix) 9

Angel (with Fatima Al Qadiri) 8.9

Unconditional (with Arca) 8.9

Woe (I See It From Your Side (Björk Remix) 8.9

Shlut (feat. Sevdaliza) 8.9

Nike (feat. DETO BLACK) 8.9

Heaven (feat. Tinashe) 8.8

Note: 9

Average: 9.1

Stream:

Spotify

Apple Music

YouTube Music

[444lpblue]

What animes will I be watching in Winter 2023? (+ Staff Roundup) - Part 1

For leftovers from last season, I have Blue Lock and To Your Eternity 2, which I will continue to watch. Now on to the new shows! I will admit and say that Winter 2023 on paper doesn't seem like the most exciting season ever, however I have been surprised before.

Buddy Daddies: Direction: Asai Yoshiyuki Series Composition: Kakihara Yuuko, Shimokura Vio Character Design: Sako Souichirou Studio: P.A. Works

P.A. Works has always been known for their original animes more so than their adaptation of manga series. Though recently they did adapt a heartwarming show in Ya Boy Kongming! They're now back in their roots with Buddy Daddies, the latest original anime in their lineup. Right up in the vein of Spy X Family, Buddy Daddies appear to be a family-centric story about two people with a dangerous profession who becomes intertwined with a little girl. The premise alone makes it one of the more interesting shows coming out in Winter 2023. Asai Yoshiyuki is not a director I have a lot of experience with except for some of his work in Fate/Apocrypha a series I didn't end up finishing mostly because of my school schedule at the time (I ended up forgetting about it). But Fate/Apocrypha if anyone has any praise for it, it has to be the action. Though Yoshiyuki himself probably wasn't very much involved in that aspect as a lot of the action praise likely goes to the action director, who we'll be talking about in the Fate/Strange Fake section. From my memory and just checking out the screenshots that people are posting on Twitter, his layouts are fairly nice, though I don't think he makes the best use of his lighting. It's sometimes overly dark and too many effects applied honestly. Looking at the trailer for Buddy Daddies, here it doesn't seem to be suffering from those issues due to it being a different style of anime completely. It's much brighter and less cinematic so I don't think those issues will plague the show. I wish I can talk more about Asai Yoshiyuki but aside from some nice wide-shot layouts, that I've seen from him and the flaws I've mentioned. I don't have too much to say. I expect Buddy Daddies action direction to be a bit above what P.A. Works has done in the past from eyeing the trailer, but I wouldn't be expecting anything similar to the output in Fate/Apocrypha. It should be a fun time on paper similar to this season's Akiba Maid War, maybe slightly limited animation at times but it's campy and fun.

Fate/strange Fake: Whispers of Dawn (Special): Director: Enokido Shun, Sakazume Takahito Series Composition: ??? Character Design: Yamada Yuukei Studio: A-1 Pictures

My reason for watching this series is well... I watch every Fate series. At the time that I'm writing this, there hasn't been much footage of the actual anime. So only the last image is actually from the project, while the other 3 images are from Fate/Strange Fake PV from a couple years ago. However, the staff from that PV is returning to work on the special here, so it'll look very similar. To tell you the truth I was a little disappointed that it was A-1 Pictures again for a Fate project and especially with some similar staff not only is it the same character designer, but both of the directors also worked as action directors on Fate/Apocrypha. One of the praised aspects of Fate/Apocrypha was definitely its action, so this is a good sign for Strange Fake here.. But I'm just slightly disappointed. A majority of the Fate anime series have often been done by different studios. Shaft, ufotable Silver Link, Deen, Troyca, and of course A-1 Pictures. I would have loved to see another studio's take on a Fate series, but this is more of a personal gripe. From the small glimpses we saw of Prelati, I personally think she looks great in the anime. They've captured her personality really well with her look so big credit to Yamada Yuukei. I think the designs as far as I can tell seem much more appealing than the character designs in Fate/Apocrypha. Much bolder and more stylized. The composition of the scene is also really nice, varying different color tones throughout, with warm lighting playing favor to the character's face in an otherwise shot with a cool color range. It's unfortunate that this isn't a full series, but I'm for sure going to be watching this and it's likely one of the animes I'm most hyped about in Winter 2023 regardless of my small gripes with the repeat staff.

In/Spectre 2: Director: Gotou Keiji Series Composition: Takagi Noboru Character Design: Matsumoto Kentarou Studio: Brain's Base

I've for the most committed to watching most sequels of shows I've seen before as long as I didn't completely dislike them. In/Spectre Season 1 was something I had several positive things I liked about it. The main protagonist in Kotoko is very likable, I can't say the same about her boyfriend in Kuro though. I thought their relationship was very constrained. The anime overall had solid production as you would expect from a Brain's Base work, it didn't blow my mind or anything of the sort, but it was good enough to watch without ever complaining. I thought the 2nd half of the season was really starting to pick things up and the mystery surrounding Kuro's cousin is genuinely very interesting. Yet, I can't really completely forgive the first half of the story for its painfully slow pace. This is very much an extremely dialogue-heavy show, which is completely fine. But I think the show could've used more engaging storyboarding in general, the scenes in which Kotoko is working out her plans and interacting with the people online, whom she's trying to convince to change the rumors of Steel Lady Nanase was done in a visual representation of a debate room in this almost like empty purple space. All of these could have been really cool, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired with plain shots and lackluster background design. It felt stationary and just very bland, making an empty purple void feel constrained when really it should feel vast and endless. I have had similar gripes with the dullness of the director, Gotou Keiji's work before in a series called Endride. That being said, I did enjoy Kotoko's breakdown of the case and her different tactics in trying to best Rikka. It was probably the most entertaining part of the series for me alongside with the interesting takes on spirits/ghosts designs throughout the show. I have higher expectations for Season 2 regarding the story because it seems like they're going to be exploring deeper into Rikka's story and her motive which is shrouded in mystery.

Kaina of the Great Snow Sea : Director: Andou Hiroaki Series Composition: Murai Sadayuki Character Design: Fukushi Ryouhei, Kotani Kyouko Studio: Polygon Pictures

From the creator of Blame! and Knights of Sidonia, comes another CG anime in Kaina of the Great Snow Sea helmed by Blame! and Ajin director Andou Hiroaki. Polygon Pictures alongside Studio Orange are probably regarded as two of the best fully CG anime studios in the industry (with Orange receiving more of the praise) and this anime looks to be no different. The models have a very nice cel-shaded look to them similar to many of their animes, looking almost 2D in some shots. The environment makes good use of being 3D by being extremely large and the camera being able to display it all as it's a 3D environment. Hiroaki has worked with many CG shows in the past, so this will be nothing new for him especially when he's already worked on Tsutomu Nihei's other creations before. He is a very flexible director who while he specializes in 3D, makes very good use of 2D assets which can be seen in the extremely creative and also disappointing 2020 anime, Listeners. I don't have much to say about this due to the lack of knowledge of the story, but the staff is solid and the trailer showcases some impressive and large-scale environments that are nice to look at. I look forward to this one quite a bit.

Kubo Won't Let Me Be Invisible: Director: Koga Kazuomi Series Composition: Takahashi Yuuya Character Design: Saitou Yoshiko Studio: Pine Jam

Pine Jam is a studio that has been around for quite some time but hasn't been that active throughout. Releasing only 7 shows since it's establishment in 2015, however, its presence has been noted. Many animated shows from them have a very particular look when it comes to how it's animated. They experimented quite a bit with breaking the style for different scenes to establish a different effect. From just messing around in a slice-of-life anime by providing a surreal visual to break the established norm of the series, to breaking models in combat scenes to establish impact and movement, the studio historically has had very interesting ideas. Their final products also come out fairly refined without much for me to nag on. I don't know much about Kubo Won't Let Me Be Invisible, except for the synopsis provided on MyAnimeList and Anilist, but it seems to be the most well-regarded source material that Koga Kazuomi has had the opportunity of directing. Most people probably know him from the now infamous series, Rent-a-Girlfriend, but looking at that show from a purely directional and storyboarding standpoint, it is a charming piece of work that displays Kazuomi's strength quite well. Just check out the opening of the Season 1 of the show, it utilizes interesting color palettes in the background to provide emphasis on the makeshift panels of the characters dancing in a very cute way. His boards tend to have also quite expressive facial expressions that are cute. This should fit the cute high school vibe that Kubo seems to also have. I look forward to seeing what interesting experimental cuts, the Pine Jam staff plans to sneak into this little show and it should be a fun chill time.

I'll be uploading part 2 sometime this week. It'll be around 5 more anime I'll be watching in Winter 2023.

[demifiendrsa]

Horizon Forbidden West | State of Play Gameplay Reveal

It’ll launch for PlayStation 5 and PlayStation 4 in 2021.

screenshots

Latest details via the PlayStation Blog:

Horizon Forbidden West continues six months after the events of Horizon Zero Dawn. Aloy, a machine hunter, has travelled west to investigate a mysterious and deadly blight. In these uncharted lands, she will meet strange new tribes and encounter ever more deadly machines. Together with old friends and new companions, she must brave this dangerous frontier to find the answers she needs to save life on Earth.

In the State of Play gameplay footage, Aloy has sent her loyal friend Erend into the remains of San Francisco to recover an important artifact. But he quickly runs into trouble, encountering a rebel faction of the Tenakth tribe – vicious fighters who have somehow acquired the power to override machines. Aloy must cross the ruins and fight multiple enemies to rescue her friend and continue her journey.

This dangerous and unfamiliar land is full of challenges and threats, but Aloy will have new tools to help her on her way. The Pullcaster speeds up climbing, getting her quickly out of trouble; the Shieldwing allows her to safely descend from great heights (or surprise enemies from above); and with the Diving Mask, a whole new underwater world is open for exploration. Not to mention big upgrades to her Focus, which now shows areas that allow free-climbing and gives her the ability to override more machines for mounts or combat.

Speaking of combat, Horizon Forbidden West puts the emphasis on tactics and choice by giving the player a huge variety of weapons. Aloy’s trusty Spear is good for close combat and enables a new set of combos. Bows with specialized ammo types strip armor off machines to expose their weak spots. Adhesive grenades can be fired from slingshots, temporarily stalling foes. Plus many more, and all of them can be upgraded at a workbench.

Aloy won’t just be dealing with human enemies. The game also features a big new selection of deadly machines: Sunwings in the sky, Clawstriders and Tremortusks on land, Snapmaws and the smaller (yet not to be underestimated) Burrowers in the water. That’s only the beginning, as many more will be revealed throughout the massive open world of Horizon Forbidden West. You’ll have to be smart and creative to take them all down.

- Guerrilla Games narrative director Ben McCaw

[after-witch]

Big City (Yandere Shigaraki x Reader)

Title: Big City [Yandere Shigaraki x Reader]

Synopsis: You’re about to leave for a new university in a new city in a new country. Your friend doesn’t seem pleased. You agree to meet up before you leave in the hopes of keeping your friendship alive.

For request: hi can I request one with maybe yandere dabi or shigaraki (upto you) with a darling who almost barks at them when they get kindapped cause they were about to get into their dream college and were about to fulfill their lifelong dream and now because of the situation its ruined. Like they worked so hard all their life for it. How would they react?

Word Count: 2000-ish

notes: yandere, kidnapping

You mindlessly check your messages for what feels like the tenth time in the last hour, despite knowing what you'd find: no response from Tomura. It was... unusual. A little worrying. But mostly, it was frustrating. You had too much on your plate to deal with managing his moods right now, or managing anything but arranging your flight and your luggage and confirming your schedule for the upcoming university semester.

To say that Tomura had been unusually quiet and unresponsive since you gave him the news would be an understatement. You didn't think it would matter that much. Your friendship was purely online, anyway; he'd shut down the idea of meeting in person, saying he was too shy about his appearance. But you didn't mind. 

You gamed, you texted, you send each other screenshots of people saying ridiculous things online. You talked over the phone about, well, everything. Truthfully, he was your closest friend, though that wasn't saying much. Your family wasn't in the picture, and you found it hard to get close to anyone, found it hard to open up to others.

So when you immediately called him after reading your acceptance letter, gushing about the news, his lack of a response was... deflating. But, you chalked it up to Tomura being... Tomura. Sometimes he got moody or seemed to get annoyed by ordinary things. He gave you a 2-day silent treatment for boasting about getting the autograph of your favorite hero. But you had learned how to navigate his moods for the most part, but it was hard to manage anything when he wouldn't even respond.

You're about to close the app when a message suddenly pops up:

Hey. Sry I haven't been talking. Kind of going through stuff. Since your leaving.... can we meet in person before you go? Just lunch. I'll pay. (Maybe)

Your fingers shake a little above the screen. A first meeting? Now? Right before you leave? You think back to your late night gaming sessions, your conversations, the closeness you feel between you and think--why not?

*You're And...  yes. (NOT MAYBE) Where do you want to go?

**

You lean your back against the brick of the shopping complex and pull out your phone. Tomura had named the time, the place--and asked if you could meet up behind the complex where it would be empty. You agreed, of course. You know that he's shy. Maybe he wanted to meet you without crowds around first. He's a few minutes late so you pull up your messages, thumbing through them without much thought. You're bored. You switch over to your email and recheck your flight schedule, the gate times, the rules and luggage limitations. You've read them a thousand times but each reread brings you closer to a much longed-for reality: an overseas university with a stellar reputation and a practical guarantee of a job in the field after graduation. Sometimes you could hardly believe it.

You're contemplating taking a selfie when a voice suddenly speaks from behind you, distinct and firm.

"Finally."

Before you can turn, before you can think, you feel a sudden grip on your arm--and everything goes black.

**

You wake up some time later. Your head feels fuzzy, your vision slightly off, like you've been napping too hard. Maybe you have, you think, as your vision clears. But you're not in your stripped down bed in your packed-up apartment. 

You blink and blink and take in a bedroom that you've never seen. It's messy, wrappers, cans, paper plates strewn about. The air smells stale. You look down and realize you're sitting on a mattress on the floor. Your hand slips into your pocket for your phone, but it’s not there. Shit. 

Your back is pressed up against the wall which is perfectly fine, because it's then that you see someone sitting on the other end of the mattress.

You jerk back with a start, but there's nowhere to go. The person--a man, you quickly note--is sitting with their legs crossed. Their face is obscured by a dark hoodie and messy hair and you don't even think before you shout out the first words which spring to mind:

"What the fuck?"

The figure gives a chuckle, dry and short. "Sorry. Had to do it this way. Guess you're not used to Kurogiri's quirk, huh."

His voice makes you feel strange. It sounds familiar. It's something you've heard before. On TV, maybe or--oh. Oh.

"Tomura?" The query comes out high-pitched, almost whining. You're in disbelief. It has to be--

Tomura, and his reaction seals it, it definitely is Tomura, practically giggles as he breaths out a sigh. It's an odd sound coming from an imposing figure, but is it really an imposing figure if it's your friend?

He raises his face and the hoodie shifts downward. Your eyes are drawn to his lips, chapped and a bit scabbed over. You want to cringe when he pulls his lower lip back to bite on some of the dry skin.

"Tomura," you say, letting out shaky breaths of your own as the reality of where you are and what's going on begins to seep in, "Tomura, what’s going on? Did I pass out in the parking lot?" He brought you here, maybe. Maybe the blackness was you blacking out and hitting the pavement and that's why your head feels funny and Tomura just brought you to his house because he's so shy that he didn't want to get the attention of the staff at the shop or the police or any random passerby on the street who for some reason didn’t see him dragging you along or--

Your thoughts still race as he snorts. He relaxes a little, his shoulders slumping as he scooches a little closer on the mattress.

"You seriously don't recognize my face?"

You feel your own face scrunch in confusion. Of course you don't recognize his face. Tomura never sent you pictures. He said he was too shy. And, you don't mean to be mean, but you can kind of see why, because--oh. Oh fuck. Oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

You get it. And he gets that you get it, because he's got this sort of sour smirk on his face as you inwardly ask yourself what in the flying fuck was going on with your life if a notorious villain secretly befriended you then kidnapped you then brought you to his bedroom of all places.

"I don't..." The fuzzy feeling is back as your neck begins to ache and you swear a migraine is coming on. "I don't..." You don't finish, you can't finish.

"You don't what," he spits out, annoyed and frustrated and whereas before his frustration was something for you to manage and recede with silly pictures or playful chiding, for the first time it makes you nervous and you shrink your shoulders in.

"I don't--I'm not," you finally say, you finally do spit out, "I'm not anyone important. I don't know if you're looking for a ransom or... whatever it is you want, but you know I don't have anyone who will pay it."

He scratches at his scalp and sighs, and you recognize in the tone that he's calmed down, somewhat. At least you have that going for you, sitting in the apparent bedroom of a villain. Speaking of--you eye his hands. He follows your look and shoves them in his pockets before speaking.

"You were leaving." He looks away and itches his cheek. "Going to some fancy foreign school. What would you even need that shit for, anyway?"

You stare at him. This feels like a conversation that could have been had, say... over text, not after kidnapping you from behind a cafe.

"It's my dream. I told you about it all the time. I worked my ass off to get a spot at that school."

The numbness of anxiety has begin to edge away and you cross your arms. You don't want to look scared. Or mad. You try to look normal, you try to think normally, because if there's any way you're going to get out of this situation, you have to remain calm. 

You try to imagine that it's 3 am and you're talking on the phone, having an argument, a testy patch of friendship. But it's hard to ignore that he's a villain who brought you here for some unknown reason; a villain who got you to trust him (but why?) and talk to him (but why?) and fuck, how many private things had you told him in the middle of the night? So many texts and emails and late night conversations.

It suddenly dawns on you that you don't know how long you were out. You have a plane to catch and luggage to finish and you're here instead. You take a breath in the hopes of further steadying your nerves. You look at Tomura, who has been watching you for the past minute with an impassive, hard-to-reach expression. 

He doesn't seem to be... threatening. He didn't try to hurt you or threaten to hurt you. Maybe, maybe this was a case of... you know how things can be online. How people can get obsessively attached. Maybe he thought you were dating. Maybe he had a crush and didn't express it and years of isolation made it impossible for him to just y'know, talk to you like a normal person. He's awkward and shy and inappropriate and okay, okay, okay. You can work with this.  You've had your fair share of online... situations. Like most people. You just have to deal with them with delicacy.

You breathe. You smile, a little. And you scooch just a bit closer to Tomura, whose eyes widen in surprise at your movements.

"So... Tomura?" Your voice is soft and placating and oh so very chill. The kind of voice you've used with him before, when he was being a grumpy ass-hat pissed off about losing to you in his favorite game.

"Yeah--Yeah?" He says, clearing his throat. You want to smile harder because you think oh, good, I've got him here.

You mimic his earlier movement and give your hair a little ruffle, a little scratch. "I guess we can just order delivery for lunch, huh? I have to be home by eight, so I can get my stuff together for my flight tomorrow." You give your lip a little gnaw, in a gesture that probably felt cuter in concept than execution. "Oh! Since I can stay a little later, we can totally game while we eat, right? I owe you a rematch for last time."

Saying all this, being so sweet and kind, acting like nothing has changed, feels really, really surreal. But you push through it because the best course of action with guys like these is to placate them and get them to let you go on your way, then ghost like hell once you're out of their reach. And what better way to ghost than to move to a completely different country?

He stares at you for a moment. You think he must have been expecting you to cry or yell or scream or call him a creeper. Which he probably is, but he doesn't need to know that you think that. At least not until you're safe. You see a quirk of a smile before he flat out begins to laugh. It's a hard laugh, a wheezing laugh, one that has him slapping his thigh. Your skin feels light and numb and your body begins to shake a little in uncertainty and anxiety and just a bit  of anger.

And you can't help it, you have a mouth, you really do--

"What the hell is so funny!"

His laugh tapers off and he wipes a bit of drool from his lips (ew) before regarding you with an expression that seems wild and strange and definitely not the response you were expecting.

"Why would you need to catch a flight? You're not going anywhere."

His answer sends an instant ice-cold knot to your stomach. You huff out a breath. Maybe you can still salvage this, maybe.

“C’mon, Tomura.” Keep saying his name, you think. These types of people like it when you acknowledge them. “Don’t be silly. We’ll still talk and game everyday like we always do, and--”

Before you can think he’s suddenly right up against you, his arm pressed up practically against your ear as he looms over you, keeping you pinned to the wall. His eyes look manic and he’s smiling and it’s not a nice smile, but one full of hidden intentions that make your stomach drop and drop and drop.

“Don’t worry. We are going to talk and game everyday. As long as you’re good, anyway.”

You ignore the implications in his words--what does he mean good?--and try to argue, try to reason.

“But… the school… my degree…” You look up so you can blink away tears. You hate crying. “You know what it means to me. It’s my dream,” you whisper. He’s supposed to be your friend, why can’t he see that?

You instinctively begin to shake as you feel a finger pet your cheek. It’s supposed to be soothing, you think, but all you feel is icy anxiety and fear overtaking your nerves. He practically coos at you as he continues, his rough knuckle scratching you.

“Don’t worry. You can always think of a new dream.”

[magnhild]

Before the Dawn didn’t ‘retcon’ Sun- an explanation from an actual writing major

Since the release of Before the Dawn, the sequel to RWBY’s After the Fall, I’ve seen a lot of different takes on it, but there’s a consistent one that it completely and utterly absurd- the idea that Sun Wukong’s persnality was ‘retconned’ for the book. The idea is, quite frankly ridiculous.

Before I get into why this take is so stupid, let me first explain what a retcon actually is, seeing as this fandom has so little understanding of the word. Retroactive continuity, often shortened as ‘retcon’ is a literary device that ignores or outright contradicts something already established in a work’s canon. For example, one actual retcon in RWBY would be the DC comics, while being canon, showing Ruby talking in full scentences shortly after Summer’s death, when Yang previously stated in the show that Ruby could barely talk when it happened.

A retcon is not something being explained differently or adittional information being given towards soemthing, even if these other details hadn’t been come up with to begin with. Salem’s backstory, for example, is not a retcon of the show’s opening narration, because not only is the opening narration very simplied so that it’s easier for the auidence to understand, but it’s also done by Salem herself, who would natutally not be telling the full story.

Now, the case with Sun is not the first time I’ve heard the claim that a character was retconned in the novels. While I don’t know if it’s at all a popular idea, one Redditor ranted at me in fury about how bad After the Fall must have been if it characterized Velvet as at all sassy because we’d never seen her that way in the books, ignoring my attempts to explain that, realistically, shy people are not going to be as shy around people they know well.

The couple of times I’ve shared these screenshots on Twitter were met with the same scorn I felt upon recieveing such responses (espeiclaly since the last comment was posted around two weeks after the rest of the conversation). So, when people failed to see that the situation with Sun was the same, it surprised me.

People claim that BTD characterized Sun completely differently as he is in the show. This is...weird, but I can slightly understand why people would jump to the conclusion that the personality he has in the book is somehow different to his personality in the show.

The first thing of note is that Sun still very much exhibits the personality traits that he’s known for; the positive ones. The very prologue of the book shows that, even in a fight, he’s still cheerful, easygoing and goofy, and we see several moments of this throughout the entire book. The second thing is that 99% of his scenes in the show are with Blake, who he has (or had) a literal crush on. Of course he would act differently around her and her friends than he would around his team, or people he didn’t care as much about. Right away, this shows that his personality was not contradicted and was, thus not retconned. But, of course, I have more to say than that.

The first big complaint regarding something that was indeed added in the book- or, at least, that we didn’t see in the show (given how Sun is not at all a character of focus) is that he’s shown to be angry and on-edge at certain points. And yes, this is not soemthing we saw of him in the show, but it’s also not out-of-character, and very easily understandable. Sun returned to his team expecting everything to be fine and dandy after a quick apology for leaving them, so when they don’t instantly forgive him and are still angry with him, he doesn’t understand, and thus becomes angry with them in return. He had an idea in his mind of how things would go, and when this didn’t go to plan and he continued to be confronted on his flaws, he can’t help but be a little salty about being treated this way by the people he’s known the longest among the main cast. For him, it’s a personal issue. The only reason we never saw him this angry in the show is because nothing ever personally affected him. He had no reason to be truly angry at anything because they were Blake’s problems, not his, and while he would natually want to help her out, he didn’t have any personal feelings towards the matter. But his team are supposed to be his friends, and here they are, not forgiving him after he apologized and everything. In his mind, he was being critizied even though he thought he’d fixed the problem with a simple apology.

The second big complaints are those of how Sun’s not-great relationship with his team throughout most of the book are contradictory to the last time we saw him in the show. People thought that his acknlowedgement of his shortcomings as a leader meant that he was going to be an instantly better one after the fact. These people fail to realize two major problems with this- the first being that there’s no rushing personal improvment. It’s very weird to me that people thought that Sun could instantly become a better leader when he was such a bad one in the first place. The second problem is that Sun, despite his name, is not the brightest bulb, and I say this in the nicest way possible. It’s made clear by both the show and the book that, while he acknowledged that he shouldn’t have ditched his team for several months without explanation, he still failed to realize the seriousness of his actions, or how the team dynamic was affected when he came back and took over again from Scarlet’s temporary leadership. As mentioned in the above paragraph, Sun thought that he could fix everything with a simple apology, and that it would absolve him of all wrongdoing. But more importantly, but the end of the book, he has realzied the weight of his negligence and that he needs to work harder to gain back respect from his team. And yet, critics ignore this and seem to this he acts badly throughout the whole book with no change in behaviour, when this couldn’t be further from the truth.

The third complaint, and the most absurd to me, is that Sun’s dismissiveness of serious situations and regular insensitivity in the book are out of character. Excuse me, but...did we watch the same show??

Perhaps it’s easy to forget because we haven’t seen him in show for a while, but these are two of his core personality traits, especially earlier on in the show. It seems that the fanon depiction of Sun as a sweet and loveable himbo who can do no wrong has caused a lot of people to forget his very prominent flaws, but Sun has always been this way, from as early as Volume 1. He treats serious situations as a joke or bit of fun, and he is constantly making insensitive comments, even to Blake, who he likes. Just to show a few, with replies from Blake for context regarding the second two:

From Black and White:

From Of Runaways and Stowaways:

From Menagerie:

Even in situations where he isn’t outright insensitive, he still frequently exhibits a struggle to read the room. He fails to understand why Team RWBY don’t want him and Neptune coming with them, he fails to fully understand why so many faunus take issue with humans despite being a faunus himself, and he fails to understand why stalking Blake across a continent was a very, very bad and creepy thing to do, even if he had good intentions. In fact, he never even apologises for any of this, at least, not that we saw, so it’s enitely plausible that it’s not soemthing he’s learned from.

So the fact that he continued to demonstrate this insensivity in BTD is very much in-character. That has always been a part of his personality, even though it’s often played off as a joke.

With all that said, it really bothers me that people list what is, in objective truth, a deeper insight into Sun as a character, as a flaw of the book. This is not a flaw. I’ve been studying writing through university for over four years, and believe me, showing that people act different depending on the situation or people they are around, as well as expanding upon any flaws they might have, is good writing. Something is not a ‘retcon’ because it contradicts your headcanon, or what you wanted to happen. That would be like if Nora were (not that I think she ever would be) confirmed cis and I called it a retcon because I headcanon her as trans. That would be stupid. 

After the Fall and Before the Dawn are honestly amazing books. They do have their issues, but character writing is far from one of them, and I would, in fact, consider it one of their biggest strengths. The way they flesh out both pre-existing and new characters, the way they can get us to love them within just 20-something chapters, is wonderful. They dive so deeply into even more minor characters, and make them all unique. So the idea that characters like Sun and Velvet were written badly because they were expanded upon and further characterized than they were in the show is an absolutely ridiculous concept, and one that I’ve hopefully changed people’s minds on with this.

Sun was not retconned. You guys just need to remember that the picture you paint of a character in your head is not always going to be the way a character is in canon. We’re not Adam defenders, people (at least, I hope not). 

Anyway. Read the RWBY books. I don’t care if you have already. Do it again.

[redjaybathood]

But imagine. Talia al Ghul, beautiful, fierce, elegant, mysterious... How can you not have a crush on her if you spend some time in vicinity???

I mean, fuck the Lost Days, yeah. But. Imagine you are regular boy in late teens (it would be the same if you are a girl), and you spend a lot of time together, and you basically owe her your continuous conscious existence, how the fuck you go - oh yeah I better get back to my dad who seems to never cared about me at all, seeing as he replaced me at a drop of a hat and let my murderer walk the earth still, and try to make him notice me; rather than spend the rest of my life following this enchanting, enigmatic, majestic person.

So. Let's rewind.

***

Jason is in the hotel. He sees the news about Batman and Robin. A new one. Okay. The paper cramples in his hand.

There's a phone call.

Slightly worried woman's voice:

"You've seen it?"

"Seen."

"You're not going back, are you?"

"Would you?"

Silence.

"We both are better off without."

Cautious tone:

"I didn't expect this level of maturity from you."

Mixed feelings. She called me mature! She says she's surprised. I am not that bad, am I? No, it's just she doesn't know him enough, yet. That's okay, they have time.

Clearing throat.

"You didn't bring me back to life for me to squander it on undeserving."

See even more of how mature I am, and don't forget that some men are just a waste of time.

Amused:

"Good. Rest, but don't stay at the same location for long. What's done is done and my father won't chase you to the ends of Earth, but coastal towns are within his scope."

Hesitant:

"Will... Will you be okay? You did that for me, he won't... Punish you or something?"

Low laugh.

"You're cute to be worried about me."

Call drops. She didn't reassure him: was it because she didn't want to lie and something horrible can happen to her at any minute, or did she just not take him seriously? Jason hopes it's the latter, fears it's the former. He never liked Ra's' delusions of grandeur and desire for absolute subjugation of people around him. He is afraid even his own blood Ra's won't spare. Why would he, because of fatherly feelings? But fathers are the worst, Jason knows it himself. That's why he never wanted children, what if he turns out just like that?

Does Talia want children? She's a girl... Well, a woman. And they want kids, right?

Well, he thinks about Sheila. Probably not all of them.

No, Talia wouldn't be like that. She is pretty caring. God, she didn't take care of him because she sees him as a kid? Even worse, because he's Bruce's kid?

But he isn't, Jason thinks, looking down at the paper he thrown to the grown. It slowly uncurled, the grainy CCTV screenshot with two black and white figures visible again. He is not Bruce's son, and somehow, tonight, it's a reassuring thought.

***

He moves location at dawn. He is yet to notice any tail behind him, though it's a good guess if Ra's just let him go, playing some long-term cat-and-mouse game, or Jason just isn't good at detecting surveillance. Maybe he has to be more alert and suspicious. But it's a road straight to a paranoia town, and, most of all, he has to remain calm now.

People who got dipped in the Lazarus Pit, they fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. They can hurt even their loved ones, or totally innocent bystanders. That's not how Jason rolls. So he ignores the imminent danger until it clocks him in the face.

Or, they try to. Three people, average looks, normal clothes, but high speed of attack and not your run of the mill punches: they're trained, and Jason can recognize some of the moves from what Bruce taught him.

He can block all of them, as easy as breathing (though breathing gets heavier and his coveted calmness breaks apart more and more with every passing second). He doesn't get to wonder about the fluid movements of his own body. The fight changes from an ambush with clear goal of capturing him to a death or life business. It's him who's pressing the stakes, so he doesn't complain.

Ra's' people are forced to retreat. He chases them, now. It's only after a fog in his mind dissipates that he's scared and (he hates it but) grateful for the harsh training Ra's' agents recieve. If they are told not to kill, they won't. It's Jason who somehow almost crossed the line. It's not Bruce's line, it's Jason's. Some things are worth jumping over it. But he is not sure this applies here. Talia, Bruce wrote in her file, was already proficient in martial arts at thirteen, when Bruce first came to the League of Shadows. When did she start training? Are all people serving Ra's start that young? How deep the brainwashing goes?

He doesn't want to kill unless it's necessary. And that, right now, didn't feel necessary, it felt... Like he wanted to tear them apart.

He steals a new phone, calls a number he committed to memory. He is shocked that it connects. It makes him feel warm all over.

"It will happen from time to time," Talia explains after listening to his incoherent babbling. "It will get worse before it gets better. Can you get to the north of Province A in three days? I have a place where you can recuperate."

Jason is not sure he can, but he promises. So he has no other choice but to do it.

On the way there he is attacked two more times. The last time, one of the pursuers did not manage to fall back in time. When Jason meets Talia again, he is shacking, his eyes red. He makes a pretty pathetic picture before her, and he doesn't even care about it.

He killed someone for the first time.

She reads it on his face, or maybe she has her ways of getting information. She doesn't offer platitudes. She warned him it would get worse, it did; Ra's is the one who sent them but it's not not Jason's fault anyway, it was his hands on the throat. So what could she say?

"How was it?" She asks.

He turns his face away, but her hand pinches his chin, making him look up at her.

She raises a brow.

"How was it for you?" He says hotly instead of answering, starting to get mad again.

It's the first time he gets mad at her, and it's even more awful because of what she reveals in turn.

"My father set up a kidnapping attempt, to persuade me to be more conscientious about my studies. A rival war lord of his unwittingly helped him out, so it was two birds in one stone. Of course, I only knew that he was proud of me managing to rescue myself. I was glad. Truthfully, I don't regret it even now. Would you?"

"No," Jason snaps out of the haze, horrified. "No, but that's different, they..."

"They did worse. They will do worse."

With that, the topic is closed. Strangely, Jason does feel better, even if he's also pained to hear about what Talia experienced.

***

She takes him up the mountain. They meet an old woman. That's who Talia leaves him with for three years.

Ducra isn't really all that happy about her new pupil, Jason can tell. He is a bother in the tranquil space of All Acres. He clashes with other students. He is not quick on uptake the lessons for meditation. He is good at technical stuff, but lacks something inside that would make the enlightenment possible. Or has abidance of things that are harmful.

"Let go of your hate," Ducra says, puffing her pipe. "Let go of your anger."

But Jason isn't holding on, he swears. He won't let Joker go if he sees him, and in the future, when he is sure he is control, he will seek him out. Only it's far into the future, and he doesn't focus on that here and now. Tries not to.

But his cultivation turns against him again and again. Forget flying, even a move that he learned from Talia at thirteen is outside of his reach.

Essence is the only one except the Teacher who is willing to talk to Jason (apparently, he wasn't fated to get here; and letting him learn their way as a favor for the Daughter of the Demon is sure to bring misfortune upon them when he turns against them, or something. Personally, Jason thinks they hate that someone pulled the strings for him, and okay, nobody loves people with background who easily get what you sweat, cried and bleeded for; he understands it - but there's nothing he can do about it and he wouldn't let go of his only chance to get the side effects of the Pit under control even if he could). Still, he couldn't say they have a profound friendship. It's more awkward that one day she offers the dual cultivation to him.

He rejects her in the nicest way possible, making sure to let her know that he didn't think she likes him or something. That he is grateful for her taking pity on him. He still blushes.

Essence pinches his cheeks.

"What's pitiful about you," she says in a slightly haughty tone. "However great or bad you are, it does not matter in the great scheme of things. You're not the one who is prophesied, you are also not the one who will inherit from my mother. In fact, I should not help you to get better, because it will bring closer the time when you go back. And the moment you leave is the moment when you could betray us at any time."

It gets him going. He pushes her away and hops to his feet.

"So why did you offer?"

Essence smirks.

"Seems like I miscalculated. If you can't figure it out, you are not fit for it."

She leaves, and only long, long after, when Jason get his hands on actual manuals, and couldn't help but think if Talia knew that this sort of thing existed, if she knew that the Pit filled his body with yang energy to the brim in order to heal him, and purging it with injection if yin energy could work... He berates himself for being too horny to even think about something like this. He starts getting up even earlier and exercise even harder.

He still doesn't figure out what Essence was talking about.

***

Jason does end up approaching Essence himself. She is not interested anymore, though. She tested him before rejection: a kiss under a thousand years old plum tree.

It felt wet, and awkward, and not at all sexy. Jason was screaming inside: all the books and movies trying to brainwash young people that kisses are good and somehow desirable! No, they are gross!

Judging by Essence's grimace, she feels the same way. It's not a punch to his pride, surprisingly, but a relief. They agree not to mention about it to anyone.

Though, Jason asks, curious and not at all because he plans to use this information in the future.

"Have you ever... With anyone?"

Essence is not offended by his question but rather looks like he's very very slow.

"I know the rest of them for almost a millennium, a hundred years at the very least. They are rather like siblings to me. Not to mention, one day I would have to lead them."

This makes things awkward, Jason agrees.

"Sucks that you can't leave, then."

Essence hums, but her look turns thoughtful.

***

With no considerable progress for more than a year, Ducra offers to remove his memories. Jason resists at first, but then let Sar'u get rid of his final hours. Then, that paper he read. Meeting Sheila. Bruce's accusing tone: did he fall, or was he pushed. A few more. Nothing works.

He does feel lighter, though, when he's not trying to murder everyone in vicinity. But it makes him also feel less like himself. Dull.

He doesn't get the memories back, but asks Sar'u to project him so Jason could see, like a movie. He doesn't feel better, but he feels more settled.

***

His power slowly climbs up. His movement are basically perfect when he is still aware enough; if he's in rage, bad form does not matter as much because for a short period of time, his drive compensates for it.

People here use him for exercise nowadays, with tacit agreement from Ducra. It's strangely does not piss Jason off. They are on another level entirely, one step away from being immortals. He doesn't have to worry about killing them. It also not so much as brings all of them together, but they tend to be more tolerant of his presence now that it has uses.

He falls into Qi deviation a few times, and people even help him out instead of trying to take him down.

With time, Jason does get worse and does get better.

And then he's allowed to go for his first mission.

[yellowsuitcase]

Betwixt; Draco Malfoy: Chapter - The Job

Introduction(please read!)

First and foremost, warnings will be posted at the beginning of each chapter, but as a forewarning this story will contain mentions of sexual assault as well as swearing/strong language, and smut.

There are some characters in this story that are mine, however, the majority of them are based off of characters in JK Rowling's Harry Potter series. I do not support JK Rowling.

This is a Royalty AU, magic as seen in the Harry Potter series does not exist within this universe.

This series is also being posted on Wattpad @Tonix27 and it is currently In progress / Completed

I plan to create a Spotify playlist for this story, when I do it'll be posted in my masterlist for Betwixt.

Cover and Beta work by @10amnoodles​ on Instagram and Twitch

Please do not repost. There are trends on Tik Tok of people taking sections of writing from their favorite fanfics and posting them, I do not want this done with my work. However, you may post a screenshot of the fanfic's cover with the summary.

A/N: First chapter of the series I’ve been working on! I’m so excited for you guys to read this!!!!

Summary: To make ends meet after her mother's death, Y/N, a young mom, living within the kingdom of Sithrawl, lands a job at the castle working for the Royal Family, specifically for the prince, Draco Malfoy. What starts as a way to make money for her son quickly turns into an unexpected romance between her and the prince. Y/N soon finds herself stuck between her responsibilities as a mother and her longing for  love and adventure

Warning(s): Swearing

Word Count: 5.9k

Credits: @10amnoodles​ Check her out! her artwork is incredible and this series wouldn’t be happening without her :)

Directory

I shut the rickety door and leaned against it, the weight of my body keeping it closed. A deep sigh left my lips, and I relaxed my shoulders, finally feeling safe. It was silent in my home. Jasper must be asleep. I pushed myself off the door and crept around the corner. The wall was cold to the touch, and I was surprised to feel an indent underneath my fingertips. I pulled my hand away to see a long crack embedded in the plaster. There were already so many in this damn house, not to mention the little holes in the roofing and the lack of insulation. It was getting colder every day.

Sighing to myself, I made a mental note of the new damage and peeked into the bedroom. There he was, his dirty blonde hair cast over his eyes as he slept. I put my hand on his shoulder and gently shook him, waking him up. He rubbed his eyes sleepily. Upon seeing me, he jumped up. “Mummy!” he said excitedly. My heart swelled as I took my boy into my arms and hoisted him onto my hip. 

“How are you, my love? Hungry?” I ask. He nodded eagerly. I chuckled lightly at his toothy grin. He was always hungry, but weren’t all six-year-olds? Luckily for him, I managed to get some bread for free down at the market. Mrs. Weasley, the kind woman at the bakery, has been sneaking me food for the past two weeks. And although I was grateful for it, I was also ashamed. I would’ve been able to pay for her tasty treats, but my family’s funds had been stretching thinner and thinner ever since my mother passed. 

She died on the first of October, just as the cold was setting in. It wasn’t sudden; she’d been sick for a month or so before finally laying to rest. I had tried to take up her old job. She worked as a maid for a relatively wealthy family, the Greengrass’. However, when I knocked upon their door, a middle-aged woman dressed in my mother’s old uniform answered. That had told me everything I needed to know. Since then, I’ve been scouring the village for potential work. I’d managed to get a few odd jobs here and there, but nothing long term, and I needed to feed my boy. 

“What did you get today, Mum?” Jasper questioned. I turned to him and kissed his forehead. 

“Just some bread. Is that alright?” I asked hopefully. He’d never been the type of kid to complain, but I knew that, as he grew, so did his appetite. Bread was quickly becoming dull. Sooner or later, he’d voice his distaste for it. To my surprise, Jasper smiled and squeezed his arms around my neck, giving me a tight hug. “Yep!” he replied cheerfully. My anxiety quickly faded away. I kissed his cheek and sat him down at the table. 

“Did you do anything fun today?” I asked as I began slicing the loaf. Jasper hummed, thinking to himself. 

“I pretended to be a cow!” he declared, looking proud of himself. Jasper had always been quite the fan of cows. His favorite activity was trotting around the house, mooing. In my opinion, it was the cutest thing ever, but I may be a bit biased. 

“Did you? And how did you do that?” I asked, eyebrows raised. Jasper smirked and puffed out his chest. “I ate grass!” he announced loudly. I shook my head in bewilderment. “You ate grass?” Jasper nodded proudly. “Yup! And look,” he reached inside his pocket and pulled out a bundle of green grass, dumping it onto the table. “I saved some for you,” he finished, pushing the greenery towards me. I did my best to hide my grimace and gently placed his plate of bread in front of him. “That’s...wonderful, uhm, sweetheart, it’s not good to eat grass. You could get sick,” I said quietly, trying to deliver this news gently. A frown appeared on Jasper’s face, and he dropped his head, his eyes now staring at his lap. 

“Oh, Jas, it’s alright. I know you were only playing, but humans can’t eat grass,” I said while taking my own seat at the table. He reluctantly looked up, his pouty lips on full display. “Come on, love, eat some of your bread. The sun is going down, and I don’t like washing dishes in the dark,” I spoke sternly, trying to get him to eat. He sighed but picked up his bread and shoved it in his mouth. I made sure he didn’t choke since he had a tendency to take bigger bites than he should. I gnawed on my own piece.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. It was nearly nightfall. Who would be at the door at this time? I quickly got to my feet as the person knocked again. “Who’s that, Mum?” Jasper asked, his mouth full of bread. “Finish your bite before speaking, Jas. And I don’t know, let’s find out.” I approached the door, brushed off my dress, and turned the knob. Standing outside was Ron Weasley, the bakers’ youngest son. 

“Ron? Come in, come in. What’s going on?” I asked, a bit concerned he was here to tell me his parents wouldn’t be able to give me food anymore. The ginger-haired boy rushed past me and into my home and eagerly slapped a flyer onto the table. “Look,” he told me as he pointed to the parchment. I gave him a skeptical look but walked over to the table and picked it up. 

The Malfoy family is seeking a servant to the young prince. If interested, arrive at the castle at dawn on the 19th of October.

SALARY: 4 galleons per hour

The person selected to be the Prince’s servant will furthermore reside in the castle.

As I took in the information on the flyer, Jasper took the parchment from my grasp. He held it out in front of him and stared at it intently. I considered berating him for taking what doesn’t belong to him, but I chose not to, and instead, I turned to Ron, who had an enormous grin on his face. “Ron, you can’t be serious…”

“It’s perfect! It’s four galleons an hour, and if you’re working dawn till dusk, that’s roughly eleven hours. Forty-four galleons a day, Y/N. You can’t pass this up. You’d be mad not to at least try,” he told me. I wasn’t quite sold, “Yeah, that sounds like a dream, but what would I…” I paused and held my hand up to Ron, signaling him to give me a moment. Then I faced Jasper. “Darling, put your plate in the sink and go wash up; I’ll be there soon to get you ready for bed, alright?” I instructed him. His pouty lips returned. 

“But I wanna know what’s going on!” the boy insisted. He dropped the paper, crossed his arms over his chest, and promptly glared at me. I held back my laugh at his attempt at intimidation and put a hand on my hip. “Do as I say.” Jasper sighed but slid off his chair and trod off to the bathroom. I turned back to Ron. “If I live at the castle, how can I take care of Jasper? I can’t just leave him here alone; he’s only six, not to mention he’s ill,” I explained as I picked the parchment back up again. Ever since Jasper had turned four, he started having trouble breathing. There had been times where I was unsure if he’d survive through the night. Ron knew about this, but he wasn’t budging. “Y/N, the castle isn’t far. You could sneak out at dusk and spend the night with Jasper, no problem.”

“With all due respect, Ron, I don’t think it’ll be that easy. I’d have to get past people in the castle, the guards, and who knows who else?” I said, shaking my head. My eyes drifted to the flyer in my hand. A servant to the prince. What did that even mean? There was a serious lack of detail in the advertisement. My lip curled in distaste. The Royal Family was known to be quite the arrogant bunch. Malfoy, their surname, directly translates to ‘bad faith’. They didn’t treat their citizens well; nearly every town outside of Orton’s walls was neglected. Totbury, my town, especially.

Nevertheless, the Malfoy’s knew that, despite treating their people terribly, people would scramble for the chance to land this job. Simply based on the look of the family’s servants, they weren’t looking for people like me. If they found out where I live, they’ll surely dismiss me.

“Y/N, you’re underestimating yourself. That castle has numerous secret passageways, just find one of those, and you’re all set. And even if that doesn’t work, then you just make an excuse. Say the Prince himself sent you into the city, what are the guards going to say to that?” Ron argued. I threw him a look of confusion as I put the flyer down, my eyes lingering on the young prince. “How would you even know about secret passageways?” I asked. Ron cocked an eyebrow. “You don’t believe they exist?” he asked incredulously. I scoffed and walked over to the sink. 

“Ron, they’re only rumors. I’m sure they have a couple of lesser-known corridors, but not a secret passageway. That’s absurd,” I began rinsing off the plates and silverware, “And besides, I wouldn’t get chosen. Have you forgotten who I am? They’re not going to hire a peasant from Totbury, Ronald. I mean, have you seen the sheer amount of guards that line up around the Prince? They won’t let anyone touch him, so what makes you think they’d let me be his personal servant?” I asked, not really expecting a legitimate answer. However, it seemed as though Ron had all the answers that day. 

“That’s easy, just lie. Say you’re from Orton. The population is big enough that they wouldn’t know the difference. And it’s not like the King and Queen even leave the castle. I bet they couldn’t tell the difference between a Sithrawliean from a Perwenese,” Ron claimed. Perwen was the neighboring kingdom to Sithrawl.

“That may be true, but even if I lied, I don’t look the part. I’ve got maybe two dresses, and they both have holes in them. They’ll see right through me,” I pointed out yet another problem with Ron’s plan while I scrubbed the chipped plates in my sink. He remained silent for a moment but then snapped his fingers. 

“You’re about the same age as Ginny, aren’t you?” he asked, eyes looking hopeful. Indeed, I was around his sister’s age. I told him so, and he smiled. “Then you could borrow one of her dresses, in fact, I think Mum just bought her a new one!” he suggested excitedly. Once I put down the now clean plates, I dried my hands and spun around to face Ron. 

“I’m not taking Ginny’s new dress; that’s ridiculous,” I replied. Ron opened his mouth to retaliate, but I interrupted him. “Look, I appreciate you looking out for Jasper and me, but I can’t...I can’t just lie to the Royal Family. And I don’t want to leave my son at home all day.” 

“But haven’t you already been doing that? You’ve been scouring the streets for weeks looking for a job. I just thought that maybe this would be a good—”

I cut him off, my patience lost. “Yes, well, you thought wrong! I’m not going off and living in a lavish castle while my child is all alone in this shithole. It’s unfair to him, and I’m not doing it. End of story.” 

Ron’s previously bright smile had faded into a regretful frown. He nodded his head and looked at the floor as if he was afraid to look me in the eye. I began to feel guilt seep into my stomach. He was only trying to help, and here I was giving him a hard time. Nice going, Y/N.

“You’re right. I’m sorry for suggesting it. I’ll just...get going, and don’t worry, I’ll tell Mum you say hello,” Ron said solemnly as he headed for the door. I held my tongue and walked him out, waving as he strode down the road. When I closed the door behind him, I let out a heavy sigh and ran my hands through my hair. There was no need for me to have acted like such a pain, but alas, the apology Ron deserves would have to wait until tomorrow. Tonight, I need to care for my boy.

--------

{The next morning}

--------

I woke with a start, sitting straight up in my bed. My back was drenched with sweat, and my skin felt hotter than hell. I had no clue as to why I'd woken up in such a state, but I didn't have the energy to care. Slowly, as to not wake Jasper, I lifted the covers and slid out of our bed. As I got to my feet and walked into the kitchen, I noticed the sun wasn’t even up yet. I stepped closer to the window and peered out, looking for the town clock. When I spotted it, I saw that it was roughly half-past five. Dawn wasn’t until seven.

Exhausted, I rubbed my eyes lightly and turned around. There on the table was the flyer. I stepped towards it and lifted it up. “...arrive at the castle at dawn…” My head turned towards the window once again. If I got ready now, I could make it. But did I dare? I’d have to find someone to watch Jasper. Does Ron’s offer even stand now? I supposed there was only one way to find out. I rushed to the bathroom and quickly turned on the water in the bath. A slow stream trickled out of the spout. 

“Come on,” I whispered. As if the universe had heard me, the water pressure grew stronger, and the tub began to fill. Anxiously, I stripped my clothing and jumped inside, despite the lack of water. We always kept a wooden bowl by the bathtub, so I reached for it and dunked it under the faucet, letting it gather enough liquid before I dumped it onto my head. The temperature was less than ideal, but I made do, and within fifteen minutes, I was out of the bath and drying off.

Quickly, I threw on my dress, slipped on my shoes, and ran out the door, but not before kissing a sleeping Jasper goodbye. He’ll be okay, I assured myself. The Weasleys were luckily only a few blocks down, so I hustled down the street and up to their door. Yet, once I found myself on their cozy porch, I was unable to knock. My fist hovered above the wooden door, decorated with fresh winter flowers. It’s now or never, a voice in my head whispered. Somehow, I found my courage and rapped my knuckle against the firm wood.

After only a few moments, Mr. Weasley opened the door. “Y/N? What brings you here so early? Has something happened?” he asked initially. Then he saw my wet hair and my shivering frame. “Good heavens! Come inside, you’ll freeze,” he exclaimed, motioning for me to come towards him. I scampered in, and Mr. Weasley shut the door. I could tell he was bursting with questions, but I filled him in before he could speak. 

“Thank you, Mr. Weasley. I’m here because yesterday Ronald stopped by and told me the Royal Family was looking for a servant. And well, at first, I wasn’t going to apply for it, but now...now I wish to,” I spoke softly. The man stood tall as he processed this information. 

“Well, that sounds grand. But if I may, why are you here?” he questioned. Before I could tell him, Ron entered the foyer from around the corner. “Y/N? You’re here, have you changed your mind?” he asked, his voice sounding hopeful. With a bit of lingering hesitation, I nodded my head. “I have.”

Ron smiled brightly. “Brilliant, wait here,” he instructed before he headed into a different room, leaving his father and me by the door. Soon enough, however, he emerged with a green and white dress. It was paired with a leather brown underbust corset. Although simple, it was perfect. “That’s beautiful, wow. Are you sure about this?” I checked with Ron. He nodded and motioned behind him. 

“Ginny’s awake; she’ll help you into it,” he told me. Right on cue, a sweet young girl with long red hair strolled into the foyer. She waved at me softly, and I waved back. 

“Splendid, off you go then. Ginny, find her a towel to dry her hair, won’t you?” Mr. Weasley asked his daughter. She nodded, took me by the hand, and dragged me into what I assumed was her room. The Weasley’s home looked bigger than the rest in Totbury, but I never suspected that one of their children would have their own bedroom. I was led to the center of Ginny’s room. She shut the door and quickly began helping me out of my day dress. 

“Are you nervous?” she asked immediately. Her inquiry caught me off guard and reminded me of the butterflies in my tummy. I scrambled for an answer as she wrapped my hair in a dark brown towel.

“Of course, I am. I’m leaving my son alone all day,” I told her finally. Ginny smiled softly as she laid my dress on her bed, leaving me in my undergarments. She knew I had dodged her question but didn’t mention it.

“We can have him stay with us today if you want. It’s really no problem,” Ginny offered. This wasn’t the first time the Weasley’s had said they could watch Jasper. While it was very kind of them, I never took them up on it; I couldn’t. My mother never gave me over to another family when she went to work. She would always tell me, “Don’t go outside. I’ll return before nightfall.” And that was that. I stayed put and waited for her to come home. Sure, it was a lonely childhood, but she did what she had to do to provide for me. Now, I wanted to do that for my own child, but it was becoming clearer to me that I wouldn’t be able to do things like my mother. If I get the job, I’ll be in the castle, I won’t be able to come running if something happens. Deep down, I knew the safest option for my boy was to let him stay with the Weasleys.

“Are you sure?” I asked. Ginny smiled and nodded her head. “Of course. He’ll be safe and sound while you do what you need to do.” I gnawed on my lip as she slipped the dress over my head and onto my body. 

“I really appreciate this, you know? Things have just been… difficult lately, and I’m trying to do right by Jasper, but I’m still figuring out how, if that makes sense,” I said to her, not really knowing why I was suddenly confiding in her. Ginny was only a year younger than me, twenty-one. We’d never talked much growing up. Better late than never, I suppose.

“You’re doing great, Y/N. Don’t be so hard on yourself, seriously,” Ginny said gently while she began tying up my corset. I took a moment to admire myself in the ornate mirror in front of me. I was now adorned in an ankle-length, deep green dress. It was significantly nicer than any piece of clothing I’d ever owned. 

“Where did you get this, Ginny? It’s so beautiful,” I asked. Ginny shrugged as she pulled and adjusted the fabric, seemingly her final touches.

“I’m not sure. Mum never said where she got it. But it’s gorgeous on you.” I felt my face flush as I stared back at myself in the mirror. I looked unfamiliar. Hesitantly, I gave Ginny a little twirl, feeling a grin creep onto my lips as the skirt flared around me in a perfect circle. I felt young. I felt new.

“Thank you for lending it to me. Hopefully, everything goes well, and I’ll make enough money to buy you many more dresses such as this one,” I said, smiling at Ginny. Then I caught sight of a nearby window. The sun wasn’t in the sky quite yet, but the darkness of the night was beginning to lift. “Speaking of which, I’d better get going. I’ll be back before nightfall to get Jasper; he should still be sleeping at home,” I rambled while heading for the door, Ginny close behind.

“Don’t worry, I’ll go fetch him. You’re right though, you’d better get a move on; sun’ll be up in an hour.” I nodded and tore the towel from my head, letting my semi-dry and now wavy hair fall to my shoulders and back. The other Weasleys lifted their heads as I rushed to the door. I quickly waved goodbye and said my thanks as I ran outside, the chorus of their farewells barely reaching my ears. I was already several paces down the street. 

Luckily for me, I knew my way to the castle. Once I reached my teenage years, I’d often sneak through the woods and journey to the capital. And when I got near enough, I’d take a right and go the long way ‘round. That way, I could get up close and personal to the walls of Orton. I couldn’t see anything, of course, but I loved to sit my back against the cool stone bricks and simply listen to the hustle and bustle. As a young girl, I often daydreamed of what life might be like within those walls. Now, I may get the chance to find out.

The trip was just how I’d remembered it, although a bit shorter. First, I’d walk straight between the long stretches of farmland. Sometimes I’d even get to see livestock. But after that, the land would transition into dense forest, filled with various wildflowers as well as a little creek. Once through there, one found themselves at the start of a cobblestone road leading straight to the gates of Orton. That’s where I was now. The sun was beginning to pierce the sky, and I didn’t feel ready. Then I thought of Jasper, and my foot moved forwards, the other following after it. Soon enough, I was face to face with two tall men dressed in silver armor. Behind them, cast iron doors concealing the city beyond them.

“State your name and business,” the man on the left said. His eyes wouldn’t even meet mine. Bile tempted to spill into my mouth, but I swallowed it down and did as he asked.

“Y/N of Orton. I come to find work, specifically for the position at the castle,” I said in a tone as confident as I could muster. The guard raised his eyebrows. 

“I’ve never seen you or heard of you. You certain you’re from here?” he asked, jutting his finger towards the doors. I nodded firmly. Fake it till you make it.

“Yes, sir. I haven’t been home in many months as I’ve been looking after my cousin in Totbury. He’s been very ill, and I’ve been afraid to leave his side. Yet, I fear I am without much money. Hence why I’m here now.” I looked at the men, trying to gauge whether or not they detected my lies. I’d only just cooked up that tall tale fifteen minutes ago, and I didn’t have anything past that. My fingers squeezed each other behind my back as I waited for them to reply. One looked to the other, who shrugged, then they turned back to me.

“Very well, welcome back,” he said. My sigh of relief was covered up by the loud creaking of the doors as the men pushed them open, revealing the awaking city. I quickly walked through them before the guards could change their minds. Mother of God. I couldn’t believe I was actually here. But I knew I didn’t have time to explore, I had to get to the castle. Hardly anyone was outside their homes yet, so I took off running, my worn shoe soles slapping on the cobblestone. I didn’t know my way, of course. I was simply going by the spiral at the top of a tower. I could see it from the city streets, so I rushed through the city’s twist and turns until arriving at a long stone bridge. It led all the way to a tall archway, beyond it, the entrance to the castle. 

I did my best not to break out into a sprint and instead speed-walked across it, wondering why there was nobody else in sight. I didn’t have time to ponder it further as I had already made it to the entrance. I told the guards here the same thing I’d said to the ones at the gates. They let me in seconds after I said I was there for the job opening.

The beauty of the castle stopped me in my tracks. Candles flickered above me in the high-hanging chandeliers, their light shining on the polished wooden floors. Gold framed portraits decorated the warm stone walls. Everything was so clean, so elegant. My eyes had no idea where to look. Get a hold of yourself. You’re not here to look around. I scanned the foyer but realized I had no idea where to go. But then a soft voice startled me.

“It’s up the stairs and to the left, dear. Better hurry. The Prince is almost done with his breakfast.” I turned around to see a short old woman with stark blonde hair. At first glance, she reminded me of my mother. She smiled when she saw my face. “Go on, wouldn’t want to be late now,” she ushered. I hastily nodded my head as I hurried up the steps, taking a left just as she had told me. I was now facing a long hallway, at the end of which were open doors leading into a large room. As I drew nearer, I could see a long line of people, all with their hands behind their back and chests puffed out. Intimidation tickled my skin. They all looked so proper.

Trying to push away my thoughts, I stepped into the room, which I realized was the throne room, and claimed my place beside a young woman. She looked to be around my age, as did many of the women. I quickly noticed that there were only women here. That’s odd. Surely at least some men would wish to be the Prince’s servant. Although, I suppose it’s not the same as being his right-hand man or advisor. My thoughts were interrupted by a loud toot of a trumpet. I turned to my right to see a well-dressed man with a silver instrument pressed to his lips. He played a little tune before lowering the trumpet.

“His Majesty, the King, and her Majesty, the Queen.” The man stepped aside, and two figures entered the room. The man was tall, had blonde hair, and a pale, pointed face. His eyes seemed to pierce my soul when he made eye contact. He carried a black and silver cane with him as he walked. The woman at his side looked just as unnerving as her husband. She, too, was tall, although not as tall as the King. Her hair was long and blonde, just as pale as her skin. The slimness of her waist was rather alarming, and her eyes were ice cold. 

The couple took their seats on their respective thrones and turned towards the door. The previous man spoke again. “His Royal Highness, Prince Draco.” The man of the hour, Draco Malfoy, strutted into the room. A perfect combination of his parents, his skin was cool white, nearly the same as his platinum hair. His high cheekbones and pointed chin resembled his father’s, but, unlike the King, Draco’s hair was cut short, a few stray strands hovered over his forehead. When he took a seat next to his mother, I could see her eyes soften as she looked at him.

The trumpeter exited, leaving the Royal Family alone with the line of girls in front of them, save for a few guards. The King cleared his throat and rose to his feet, clutching his snake-headed cane as he did. 

“In a few moments, my son will choose his new servant. I trust you will all be respectful and do as you’re told. If the prince dismisses you, then you leave. If the prince asks you a question, you answer it truthfully. And finally, if the prince chooses you, you will be led to your living quarters and will immediately begin your training. The prince will be taking the throne in exactly two hundred and thirty days; he is a busy young man, and we cannot waste any more time. Do I make myself clear?” he asked. Nobody said a word. “Good. Draco,” he called, motioning to us. 

The prince stood up from his throne and made his way down the marble steps. He stopped a few feet in front of a girl a couple of people down from me. He stared at her for a few seconds before waving his hand and saying, “Dismissed.” The girl didn’t move, she looked confused and a bit shocked. Draco scoffed. “Weren’t you listening to my father? If I dismiss you, you leave. The door is to your right; run along now,” he ordered. I watched in disbelief as the girl bowed her head and rushed from the room, tears in her eyes. “Daft cow,” Draco muttered. Anger began to stir in my chest. What an absolute prick. Christ, I knew the Malfoys were a cold bunch, but I never thought the crown prince would be this much of an arsehole.

He continued going down the line, dismissing girls left and right. It didn’t seem like he had a particular order. No, he was merely kicking out the girls who didn’t please his eye. I knew this because he’d tell them what he didn’t find appealing as they left. 

“Big nose.”

“Thin lips.”

“Too tall.”

“Repulsive complexion.”

He dismissed and dismissed until only three girls remained, including me. He stopped in front of a black-haired woman. She wore a cream-colored gown. It was much fancier than mine and contrasted beautifully with her dark skin.

“What’s your name?” Draco asked. The woman replied that her name was Alyssa. “Hi, Alyssa. Tell me, what makes you want this job?” It was silent for a few moments before the woman answered. 

“My mother suggested it, Your Highness.” Draco clasped his hands behind his back and studied Alyssa’s face and body. His calm demeanor was frightening, to say the least.

“So your mother wants you to have this position, but tell me, Alyssa, do you want this position? Or are we just wasting our time here trying to fulfill the wishes of a woman who isn’t even here?” he seethed. Alyssa stuttered but shook her head and insisted she, too, wanted the job. I could tell from his face that Draco didn’t buy what she was selling, but he didn’t dismiss her. Instead, he shuffled his feet until he stood in front of me. My heart started pounding in my chest, but I kept my head up, my mother’s words echoing in my head. “Don’t be afraid to make eye contact.”

Draco said nothing for nearly an entire minute. He only stood still, eyes never leaving mine. It felt like a staring contest, but without the playful energy. I could see now that his eyes were grey. They looked empty like they were searching for something. I narrowed my own, trying to figure out why they looked this way. It seemed as though this upset Draco.

“What’re you looking at?” he spat. I quickly replied. I could practically feel his anger, and I did not want to add to it by being slow to respond.

“Nothing, Your Highness.”

“Liar. Try again, sweetheart.” Perceptive. Or perhaps just angry. Whichever it was, he now left me with a decision—another lie or the simple truth. I weighed the options in my head; neither seemed favorable.

“Your eyes,” I replied. Draco raised an eyebrow. I took this to mean he wanted me to elaborate. “They’re grey.” Upon hearing this, he rolled them.

“Brilliant deduction,” he said, sarcasm dripping from his tongue. “But why were you staring at them so...intently?” he questioned me further. However, he seemed afraid almost. Like he didn’t want to hear my answer. Regardless, I shrugged.

“Well, they appear sad and honestly, vacant.” I could feel the entire room tense as I spoke. Behind Draco, I saw The King jump to his feet, his wife’s hand on his arm in a feeble attempt at holding him back. 

“Guards…” he started, but then Draco lifted a hand, halting his father as well as the guards who’d begun to take a few steps forward. 

“That won’t be necessary. Send for Olive. She can show her to her new room,” Draco spoke gently. His voice was even and firm, and yet, nobody moved to fulfill his request.

“Surely you’re not picking her, son?” The King asked, desperation evident in his voice. It was easy to see that he disapproved of this decision. Draco, whose eyes still hadn’t moved from mine, adjusted his hands. They now rested on his thighs, fingers intertwined.

“You’re from Orton, yes?” I nodded, not trusting my voice. “You’re healthy, no deathly illnesses?” Again, I nodded. “And you want this job?” This time I decided to speak.

“Yes, Your Highness, very much so.” I curled my toes, hoping my conviction was enough. The smile that stretched across Draco’s face hinted that it was. However, his next words confirmed it.

“Perfect. Yes, Father, I have picked her. Now can somebody please fetch Olive? I don’t quite know why nobody did so even though I specifically remember telling you less than two minutes ago,” he said fiercely. Within seconds, a guard rushed out the door to do as The Prince had ordered. The two girls beside me took this as their cue to exit as well. Alyssa looked gutted, and the other girl seemed relieved. I felt a bit sad to see them go, but my thoughts of them were overridden by the increasingly uncomfortable feeling growing in my stomach.

The distress in the air felt thick, almost suffocating. It seemed that the vacant man standing in front of me was quite the threatening presence. While this let me know I should tread lightly when in his company, it didn’t instill fear. Yes, I had been intimidated and afraid when I initially walked into the Malfoy’s throne room, but once I’d gotten a good look at the youngest of the bunch, those feelings dissipated.

His eyes told me all I needed to know. Draco was nothing but talk. He was closer to a boy than he was a man, and more importantly, he had no guts to do anything substantial. Sure, words could hurt, but when it came down to it, they were nothing more than words.

As I was led to my room by Olive, the kind older woman I’d met at the doorway, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. 

Taglist (I used my All Draco Works taglist for this, if you DO NOT want to be on this taglist for Betwixt, please let me know!): @beiahadid​ @pastelpuffbar​ @cutie1365​ @dracoxmgg​ @lumlfy​ @sambucky8​ @emilianamason​ @raplinethereal​ @DixieTheMorab24 @xoxohollands​  @prongsandprancer​ @ch0kemedracomalfoy​ @avlauriaa​ @purpleskymalfoy @mariah-can-dream​ @drxcomvlfx​ @sydnee-kom-spacekru​ @dracosgoodgirl​ @voilawind​ @gloryekaterina​ @anchoeritic​ @ragxsxragxs​ @exoticlizard @dlmmdl @siriusblklftv​ @Writtenbyadramaqueen @amourtentiaa​ @keidensu​

[queenboudicaa]

From Graham Linehan from The Glinner Update grahamlinehan@substack.com

Played The Fool

Sue Donym

Sep 16

I remember my college days studying journalism, which don't seem so long ago, but actually are now, and as a young eighteen year old, a friend gives me something she says explains gender. It is Judith Butler's Gender Trouble. I have heard of this book. People treat it like The Bible. I eagerly open the book and attempt to read it.

I cannot make heads or tails of it. I conclude I simply am not smart enough or well-read enough to understand the religious revelation. I make it to page sixty before giving up, the constant mentions of ‘Althusserian’ and ‘structuralist’ and ‘reifying’ finally defeating me. I don’t feel like any of the book has actually managed to lodge itself in my head.

I give the book back to my friend, and then I pretend to everyone around me that I have read the book. No one figures me out.

When I get older, I realize they all did the same thing.

In my senior year, I win election to student government. I am to represent ‘LGBT’ people. I am proud. I am unaware I am now standing on a cliff, the ground beneath me slowly breaking. I bury my head in the sand as my position becomes increasingly precarious.

I meet with faculty during the first semester. I read through a policy. Suddenly ‘LGBT’ has morphed. It’s ‘LGBTQI+’. I don’t know what the Q and I stand for, let alone that seemingly erroneous plus sign. I am supposed to be the expert, and all these middle-aged people are looking at me to explain the youth speak which is even bedeviling I, the putative youth. I muddle through, using this surprise new acronym, and then I Google it surreptitiously in the meeting. It means ‘Queer’ and ‘Intersex’, and the plus sign appears to be decorative in nature. I wonder what the Q covers that ‘LGBT’ doesn’t, let alone the God-damned plus sign, and I wonder why ‘intersex’ needs to be included at all.

They talk enthusiastically about how everyone has a gender. There are women with penises, men with vaginas. Gender is understood to be how you feel inside. I contort my mind around this way of thinking as best I can. A man is someone who behaves like a man, and a woman is someone who behaves like a woman. That is the working definition you have, even though you paper over it with phrases like ‘identifies as.’

I don’t think about. You can’t. You are told this is how it is, how it has always been, to think otherwise is actually you replicating the kyriarchy, over and over and over again, and you nod and accept it, because you are given this set of facts and told to nod. Pseudoscience justifies it. People talk about ‘brain scans’ and ‘the wrong bodymap’, and ‘indigenous genders’. It’s all conjectural bullshit, but everyone goes along with it.

When I can’t perform the cognitive contortions, I simply don’t acknowledge contradicting evidence. To do so would be to jump off a cliff into an abyss. It is a reflexive thing, unconscious, and its origins lie in the instinct for self-preservation.

Everyone goes along with it. I am a coward, so I accept it and move on. I am twenty two years old, and I don’t know any better, and I want to trust the organizations that say they hold my best interests at heart.

Part of my role on student government was providing student-based pastoral care in my college’s LGBT center. By the time I get there, it’s morphed into the LGBTQI+ Center. I consider myself even-keeled and well-adjusted, perfect to help ‘my people’.

Many of the people that come see me have fairly normal problems. I speak to lecturers about not being homophobic, meet with faculty about LGBTQI issues, and sit through interminably boring student government meetings full of bloviating Young Democrats self-assured about their future self-importance. Increasingly, more people come to speak to me about trans issues. Walking through the center one day, someone assumes I am a ‘pre-hormones trans man’. When I correct them, and say I am a butch lesbian, they suddenly become hostile. I don’t know why, but I feel offended to my very bones about being assumed to be a man.

More and more of my fellow butches suddenly start declaring themselves to ‘truly be men.’ I don’t think about this. You’re not supposed to think about it, or question them, just accept and affirm and acknowledge and adulate their new found authenticity. I get a new package of fliers from an LGBT charity, open them up, and suddenly find that I, simply defined as ‘butch’ (forget the lesbian!) am now supposedly ‘trans’ and under the ‘trans umbrella.’ I call this ridiculous, and loudly.

Someone pulls me aside to ask why I’m being so transphobic.

I meet with a charity group. They have this young woman on staff who declares herself ‘non-binary’ and uses ‘they/them’ pronouns. She does not strike me as gay, and her entire purview of ‘LGBT’ seems to forget the first three letters. She assumes that I am a trans man. When I tell her I am a lesbian, she asks ‘are you sure? Maybe you’ll change your mind’. She then starts talking to me about her boyfriend.

I wonder why this straight girl with dyed hair is telling me what to do on gay issues. What gives her the right?

At the end of the meeting, someone I know from the charity group tells me that ‘Aiden’ is upset I forgot her pronouns. I hadn’t realized. I tell him that this dyed hair fag hag told me I’ll change my mind about being a lesbian. He says that doesn’t excuse messing up Aiden’s pronouns.

The next time I meet Aiden, she keeps calling me ‘he’. She gets upset when I get angry with her.

My student body president sends me a please explain email the next day about upsetting Aiden.

One day in the center, in walks a man in a dress. That’s what I thought in my unfiltered thoughts, before the cognitive dissonance kicks in. But the Aiden experience has taught me a lesson to not speak up. The man uses ~the magical pronouns~, ‘she/her’ and this means he is a woman. He dresses like a prostitute downtown and declares he’s a lesbian.

He says he is a trans woman. But Chloe is different from all the trans women I had met before. They would call themselves ‘gay men gone too far’, tell you hilarious stories, wingman for me at the bar, argue about ‘when Madonna went bad’, arguments that turned into handbag duels at dawn. Many of them were older, and many of them had stories about surviving in a homophobic world, surviving AIDS, dangerous johns, and the joy they felt now, that gay rights had gone somewhere. This man was very different to them.

My hair stands up on the back of my neck every time I deal with ‘Chloe’. It requires conscious effort to make sure I don’t mess up his pronouns, because my brain says that’s ‘a fucking man’, but my cognitive dissonance around the situation and my sense of self-preservation knows that if I don’t call this man a woman I will be in for it. I have seen the results - ‘Chloe’, all six feet of ‘Chloe’, screaming at a fellow trans woman, Clara, half his size, for saying ‘you’re a man honey’. Chloe himself came to me demanding I ban her from the space. I refused.

Clara stops coming into the center. I ask her why, and she says ‘those flipping transvestites, they’re not us.’ Clara never comes back to the center.

None of this thinking about Chloe’s pronouns is conscious. I feel guilty every time my thoughts use the ‘wrong pronouns’. My head is tied up in knots - not something freshman me would have considered, turning up to the center with the goal of getting laid, now trying to smile and put up with this man.

He makes every conversation in there uncomfortable. We relax when he is gone and only homosexuals are in the room.

Suddenly, my straight friends start asking if I’d ‘sleep with a trans woman’. I try laughing this off. One friend gets very insistent, and when I tell him that I wouldn’t consider someone with a dick, he starts wondering if my preferences are ‘rooted in bigotry’. I ask him if he’d sleep with a trans woman. He tells me that no, he’d prefer a woman who can have his children.

I smile and nod, and when the conversation ends, walk out of the room as fast as I can.

Chloe tells us at length about their sexual proclivities. Bondage and leather and ‘being a dom’. Chloe tells us about his lack of luck on lesbian dating apps. I keep to myself that I had ended up setting a height filter to filter out ‘the trannies.’ Nor do I tell him that me and a group of women had made fun of men like him on lesbian dating apps, swapping screenshots and Silence Of The Lambs jokes.

Soon there are more Chloes and fewer women. They all start talking about radical communism, about ‘sex work is work’, ‘cultural appropriation’, and about ‘TERFs’ and how hideous they are. One of them expounds to me at length why I shouldn’t read any feminist works from the seventies, because they hated trans women, and I wouldn’t want to hate trans women, wouldn’t I?

They all behave the same way. I keep getting reports about the Chloes harassing people in the center, particularly young lesbian women. Then there is an influx of ‘Aidens’, straight women declaring themselves to really be gay men. One of them tells me I am ‘appropriating the culture of trans men.’

One day I am in the center, and I look out the glass window of my office. There are a dozen people sitting in the common room of the center, talking animatedly. I realize none of them are lesbian or gay in the actual sense of the word. I feel uncomfortable, but I cannot articulate why I feel such discomfort.

One of the Chloes knocks on my door. This one wears a pink tube top and a pencil skirt. I am strongly reminded of Buffalo Bill. He asks me out for coffee. I decline. He asks why, as I am single. I say that I am busy that day. He tries asking for another day. I say I am playing club football that day. He keeps trying to cajole me. Eventually I dispense with the politeness and tell him I am not interested in him. He shouts at me that I am transphobic and leaves.

A few hours later, my phone blows up. His friends are calling me transphobic for not being interested in him. It’s just one date, they say. One little coffee. You might like it. You don’t know. Your last girlfriend dressed the same. You need to unlearn your genital preferences.

I think to myself my last girlfriend was a foot shorter and had a vagina, but I don’t say anything. I ignore the messages. He is allowed boundaries. I am not.

I am sitting in a class. It’s on sexual histories, a class I took to broaden my horizons from my journalism degree. I try not to think of the student loan I’ll be incurring from taking it.

Strangely enough, it is perhaps the first blow to the self-imposed contortions of my thoughts. The professor starts his lecture by pronouncing that sexual orientation is, in fact, a social construct. He explains that the word ‘homosexuality’ did not exist until the 19th century, and thus, homosexuals are a creation of repressive Victorian sexuality. I find this theory strange. I had grown up in the ‘born this way’ era, to be sure, but my homosexuality seemed biological, instinctual, basal to my very way of being. A powerful attraction to women came to me as naturally as breathing, or seeing, or farting inappropriately on the second date. Yet here was this man telling me, that in fact, my perceptions were merely constructs based on my surroundings.

It seemed strange to me. Someone from the class, notorious for asking questions, puts his hands up and asks about the Romans - you see, he is a student of the classics, and he remarks that the Romans knew of homosexuals. The professor gravely informs in that in fact the Romans were aware of a ‘behavior’, and that as ‘homosexual’ as a word did not exist at the time, there were no homosexuals. Only behaviors, that we codify and understand on a cultural basis.

This made less sense to me than before. It made even less sense to me when someone else asks about trans people. The professor remarks that ‘trans people have always existed’.

Yet homosexuals were invented by the first sexologists, rather than through self-definition? We had to have heterosexuals invent us, as other, first?

I am sitting with some gay friends, and one of them complains about the focus on trans issues when we still don’t have same-sex marriage federally yet. We talk about our disappearing spaces, and I voice that sometimes I am the only lesbian out of thirty people sitting in the LGBTQI+ student center (it had been renamed). I think of it in terms of getting laid - because suddenly all the ‘lesbians’ in the center had penises. It happened so quickly that it was easy to notice. I went to a lesbian group, and it was a sausage fest I made up an excuse to leave. The Chloes moved in, and the lesbians instantly left. I feel constantly uncomfortable, watched, stared at, envied. The Chloes all talk about their genitalia and violent pornography at length, in public, and it makes me feel gross and dirty, and I start to dislike most of them.

I post on my Tinder that I’m not into penis. I log in the next day to find out my account has been banned. Tinder never gives me a straight answer as to why I was banned.

I finish out my term on student government. I don’t run again. I’m a senior. I finish my degree and hurry off to the real world. One of the Chloes takes my place as ‘LGBTQI+ students representative’.

It is the one who tried getting me to go out on a date with him. He makes me feel uncomfortable throughout the whole handover.

I am upset, because he will destroy everything I worked for.

I go to the gay bar with some friends. But when we go, we feel like the only homosexuals in the whole god-damn bar. It’s full of people with dyed hair. A man in a dress tries grinding on me, and when I turn around and tell him no, he calls me ‘transphobic towards trans femmes’. When I declare I am a butch lesbian, people ask if I am a ‘TERF’. I don’t know what a ‘TERF’ is, other than ‘terfs’ are bad. I have been told terfs are bad, so it has to be true right? I don’t want to be a bad person.

I try going to other gay events, and suddenly I am outnumbered. Me, a few older lesbians, and some gay men huddle in a corner of spaces we once proudly called our own, as the Chloes and the Aidens declare it their own - and even worse, that they are just the same as us. It is unnerving, and they no longer feel like safe spaces for me. Gradually, we all stop going. There were no more gay people in the gay space.

I have a lesbian friend. She tells me excitedly about a first date. She meets them in a quirky coffee shop. It is a trans woman twice her size. When she tells the trans woman that she’s not interested, they lose it at her in the coffee shop, calling her a transphobic bigot and screaming and shouting and threatening to hit her.

She tells me, because she knows I don’t tell people things. But she cannot say anything in public. She’ll be transphobic. So she keeps it to herself, and this man gets to continue preying on women who think they’re safe, catfishing, coercing and abusing them.

To say otherwise gets you labelled a terf. And terfs are bad. Why are terfs bad? Don’t ask. Just accept that terfs are bad. Terfs hurt trans women, and you wouldn’t want to do that, would you?

Eventually, my friend hears of her date doing it to someone else. She writes a call out post, saying that you shouldn’t hide important facts about yourself on dating sites. She gets called a terf for saying that ‘lesbians don’t have dicks’, and being verbally abused in public was the rational response of an oppressed person to oppression. It’s a scarlet letter, and she is branded with it. I am a coward and I do not speak up in public. I hate myself. I am thinking of my personal prospects, and not my friend, and not my people. Because if I speak up, I can kiss the career I dream about goodbye. I fear that scarlet letter being branded on my forehead.

I tell my friend in private that I support her. But I daren’t say that in public.

I daren’t ask questions.

One day, I am aimlessly browsing the internet at work. I have written enough copy to cover my ass for the next few weeks. I wait until my boss leaves for the afternoon, and wait out the rest of the day mindlessly scrolling. I see a post in an LGBTQI+ students group on Facebook I’ve forgotten to leave. It’s a troll post, which is apparently ‘terf rhetoric’. The link is still there, and the comments are blowing up, united in performative outrage.

I click the link . I find myself laughing at the description of ‘men in dresses’. To these ‘terfs’, a man has a penis, and a woman has a vagina. Anyone saying otherwise is a damned fool. It seems such an easy way to think about it. I mean, what is a woman, anyway? It doesn’t seem evil, wicked or bad. It seems… sensible.

Finding out more about this new way of thinking becomes addicting. I keep my scrolling through it on my phone. I have always had a fondness for reading people being harshly critical about anything, and now I have an endless source of it, articulating things I knew instinctually but could never find the words to verbalize, could never find the courage to verbalize. I wonder if I am being radicalized - images of ISIS radicalizing fighters over the internet run through my head. But everything seems to make so much sense. I am no longer contorting my thoughts around the desires of others, but thinking freely, observationally, openly, fearlessly.

It felt like my mind had freed itself from chains, chains placed upon it all those years ago, when that naïve eighteen year old who wanted to get laid tried reading Gender Trouble.

The gunk on my mind slowly unclogged. My way of thinking suddenly changed. I was no longer denying what my eyes saw in front of me. No, now I saw things as they were. There was no more contorting my way of thought. For the first time in a long time, I felt clear-headed.

One of the links I clicked in my flurry was a link to Dr. Ray Blanchard’s paper on ‘autogynephilia’. I read it, and finally, I had an explanation. Homosexual transsexuals. And ‘autogynephiles.’ The two types of his famous and controversial typology.

‘Autogynephiles’ - men who had a sexual fetish for ‘being a woman’, a fetish for an alter-ego female self, a fetish for our bodies, our minds, our souls, our experiences. All reduced to jerk-off fodder for some blockhead man.

It explained why they were so desperate for lesbians to date them. They needed us for validating their sexual fetish. Our lives and experiences, our spaces, our dating apps, our culture, our media, our websites, every breath we took, as far as they were concerned, needed to be focused on validating them. Because otherwise, the fantasy was ruined! This straight man would not be able to jerk off over ‘being a lesbian!’. We were not people, we were non-player-characters in their video game. Actresses in pornography, extras in a film where they were the protagonist, and we were off script. We weren’t fully-formed people, with our own desires, we were things, objects, film props.

The entire gay movement, from the lesbians to the gays, to the homosexual transsexuals, reduced to nothing props in some straight man’s sexual fantasy. That’s all we were to them, ultimately.

And I was expected to go along with it?! We were all expected to go along with it?

Not only that, I had gone along with it. I had advocated for this.

What had I done?

Every moment you come close, every moment you start thinking something isn’t right, you start feeling a little foolish.

Of course this is fine. Everyone is telling me so. The media, the public, the people around you. No one voices concerns. When you have them, you don’t say anything, because no one else is, and because you are a coward.

You feel a little foolish because this is foolish. Saying some women have penises is foolish. You know it is foolish, from the minute that idiot phrase leaves your mouth, to the minute it dances across your tongue, to the minute your nerves send the signal to your larynx to make the required movements to produce the very sounds. But, you think, you are no fool.

You are no fool, you think, when someone says ‘biological women have XY chromosomes’, or that it’s okay for a man on the college track team to identify as a woman and take a place on the woman’s track team. You know that’s not right. But everyone else is going along with it, and you are no fool, and you shouldn’t feel foolish, because everyone says this is the right thing to do, the right side of history, doing right by an oppressed minority, so you go along with it.

You are frightened of realizing you are a fool. So too, is everyone around you. No one likes being played the fool, no one likes realizing they were sold a pack of lives as a naïve eighteen year old looking for other gay people. And no one plays you for a fool. And thus the dance continues, everyone one too frightened to admit that, perhaps, we are all fools, believing in something physically impossible, no different to the bible-banging megachurch attendee, with our owns chants, our own magic words, ritual knowledge, and ability to be born again. We are smart. We liberal. We are on the right side of history. We couldn’t be believing in something that isn’t scientifically backed. We’re smarter than that. We’re not fools.

And when it finally gets too much, and you drift over to the cliff’s edge, the cliff that you can see the bottom of, the cliff you know you can’t come back from, you pull away. Because to go over it would to be to admit that you’ve been played the fool. No one likes that feeling, the shame, the embarrassment, the horror, the fear. What lies over that cliff is exile, a scarlet letter, fear and hatred and nasty women who just want trans women dead.

What lies beyond that cliff is a realization that you have been used. You have been used by something greater than yourself, to push medication on children. You have been used by straight men to participate in their sexual fetish without your consent. Your entire community, rendered a jerk-off prop for some straight man over night, and you were told that objecting was ‘transphobic’. You have been used to spread homophobia beyond your comprehension, to take part in the destruction of your own community, and you were told this was right and good.

To realize this, to acknowledge it, to move on and try and forge something better, that takes true strength of character. To realize this, to deny it, and obfuscate what you are doing, that I can understand. I too, was once a coward. I too, did not want to believe what my eyes told me was sitting in front of me. That cliff is scary, and to jump off it seemingly lies nothing but social death.

But eventually something pushes you over, without your consent. You realize you have been played the fool, because finally, something so gratuitous occurs that you must. Even the greatest cowards will eventually be blown off the cliff. The music will stop, and the dance will end, and you will finally feel the shame, the embarrassment, the horror, the fear, the guilt.

Because no one likes being played for a fool.

Perhaps, then, it is best to get this over and done with now, while you still have dignity to defend.

Some details have been changed to protect the identities of those concerned.