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olive-is-a-jim · 1 year

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vent below.

i look back and think of all the people on here i used to be close and/or friendly with.

I look at a list of deactivated blogs or changed urls and i feel confused, lost in the supermarket again.

There's people I still follow who still reblog my stuff. I don't know how you have changed over the years and yet i feel guilty.

I try to look for the old messages but clicking one closes the stupid tumblr messaging button each time and i can't just easily scroll down.

I think the most about who i was back in 2017-2018. And what I think of "her"... I hate the most.

I had good friends. Good prospects. A horrible path. A downward spiral. A fragile psyche.

I was a fucking basket case who was in "her" early teens. I thought I was tough shit. I was growing more and more detached from my life.

And I miss those I'd then call friends. And I feel bad for all the perfectly good people I should have not bothered. All because I was young and stupid and crazy.

One fateful day it all snapped. Nothing life-threatening happened, I just shaved my head but it was enough apparently. I wiped my old phone and all the art and texts and memories from old friends who were getting tired of my spiraling and neediness and drama and emotions and

On the 31st of January 2019 i was checked into a small mental institution and ended up staying there for 4 months, being released only a few weeks before my 15th birthday.

I was there voluntarily in terms of what was written down but. It still was hell. A silent hell. One where you're told to see things positively and not talk about your pains to peers. One where you're almost gaslit into thinking you're not ready yet.

And I wasn't, in all honesty. But that doesn't mean I came back better. I came back with different problems. And it was like that for a while.

A lot of other stuff is foggy, mostly because it was just. life? that or it's the trauma-blocking from just. everything. I knew I couldn't make a month without crying from either guilt, getting in trouble, random other shit that'd make me cry, or the general cycle of falling apart and putting myself back together.

Things did turn around when my family moved out of our old town an into the city. A new school, new set of IRL friends that soon spread out into new digital friends. I had new hobbies, new passions, new room, new problems.

school still sucked I'd struggle getting grades good again, and it was a new set of pressures and meltdowns and panics and

I had support systems, people who would work with me on these sorts of things, designated adults and whatnot. It was getting better but you could tell that shit was still amiss.

Thennnn the pandemic hit and everything had a new set of problems!! :)

failing "zoom school" grades, stupid hastily made websites for submitting work that took too much mental effort and more and more issues with me even having the drive to do anything productive besides art and fucking around online.

But then. I was given an option, when being told that I wouldn't make enough to graduate with a highschool diploma. a GED.

I didn't like it at first I wanted to be able to graduate. But over time I did get into a program for it. I had all the knowledge for getting it I just. Fucking sucked with standardized education and the whole homework rigmarole and blah blah blah blah blah blah

Point is, I got my GED and was able to attend the graduation ceremony with my peers at the highschool and it was everything. I made a cool design for my cap (i cannot recall if I posted it I highly doubt I did).

I also started (and am still doing) courses for transitionary education, basically seminars and stuff for things to help young adults with "alternate education paths" get jobs and be able to have resources to live independently some day.

It's good. I like it. And I've grown so much.

I grow incrementally rather than a steady and ever constant line, and those increments can have horrible spiraling chasms between them and those increments can suddenly bring me to functionally being a different person in many regards although not literally.

This all seems good here these last few paragraphs but. There are new problems and because it's all so recent in comparison I.

Somehow

Have trouble thinking about it. Like getting it to even appear in the forefront of my mind. But maybe I'm trying to look too big picture on my issues. Maybe my mind is just foggy forever. Maybe I'm just not

Actually fuck that noise. I am myself in this moment writing this dumb post and crying my eyes out surrounded by 3 cats. I am crying for my past, tearing up about what I have now, and weeping for the future like everyone else does.

I miss my friends and there's some I know I won't be able to have back. But I'm not going on a wild goose chase for people who might have simply just deleted their blogs and made new ones, or people who just don't remember or want to talk to me or whatever valid reason. I have the ones that I do know, ones I've gained and reforged over the last 4 years, and ones I've made recently.

I have people I'm no longer friends with and I'm, surprise surprise old me, okay with it.

One of my biggest faults was abandonment issues and the varying chance of falling apart in front of someone IRL or over text. They can still be my faults at times in the present but. I have newer, more independent ways to deal with myself before anyone else has to. And also by the very benefit of being a future version of myself, I'm just.

Better at this living sort of thing than I was.

I'm 18. I'm Miki. I feel alive. I'm ready to catch back up with people, if they so choose.

And as always...

#vent #positive vent #at the end #it's more of a long letter to nobody #and more of a documentation of what my foggy head *can* recall in one sitting as well as just a strange slam poem #i miss you all #i miss our friendships or even just friendly acquaintancehoods #i don't necessarily miss who i was then #but it still pains me that there's a good list of people i have no way of contacting again even just to say ‟I hope you're doing well‟#note: most of the tags above were written at the start of the post #as i tend to write these *as* the process of releasing my emotions #so by the end I'm already feeling that juicy catharsis y'know?#seeya 'round

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henningnygaard · 3 years

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Brief #9: Interactive learning

Day 2: Class and subject

We started the day with agreeing upon a class. We ended up wanting to work with 2nd grade students. This is because we saw during the mapping yesterday that many problems students face in school later, can be brought all the way back to 2nd grade. If a student fails to wrap their head around the basics in math or norwegian for example. They will struggle a lot later and gradually start falling behind the other students.

We also agreed we would be tackling math, for mostly the same reason. We learned in our research that many kids struggle with math from the very beginning and that not building up a good understanding for math, makes the subject extremely challenging and unmotivating for the student. Which will contribute to struggles later in school.

We also managed, after a lot of back and forth, to decide that we wanted to work with the competence goals that is counting, understanding numbers in context and exploring mass through music, art, pictures etc. We feel like there’s a lot of opportunities for us to create fun experiences.

We continued our gigamap from yesterday by looking at how the education is performed in 2nd grade, how they learn and what methods are effective. We learned that working in groups and using conversation to understand the subjects is mostly what goes on in the classroom. A lot of the resources made for 2nd grade math includes using shapes, papers and numbers visually in groups to then have an open conversation with the teacher to make sure everyone understands how you solve the tasks.

We also saw that many of the books for the students in the 2nd grade heavily revolves around conversation and talking about math and tasks. The students in 2nd grade are not very independent yet and require more work with others to effectively learn.

We briefly took a look at some of the current available resources on the internet and found a lot of great games on the web. Gyldendal had a great website with lots of different games touching on different subjects within math, like counting, addition and subtraction, shapes and geometry etc.

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alixofagnia · 5 years

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OpheThorn II: A Slightly Less Rambling Analysis

The Missing of Clairdelune is a superb second installment in The Mirror Visitor quartet. We get more of what we loved about the first book, more pieces to the larger existential puzzle, yet it smartly stops short of resolving too much so that we stay invested for the third episode. Christelle Dabos allows herself slightly more exposition. But the novel really succeeds by continuing to follow the less-is-more mantra and the showing vs. telling style.

As you may or may not recall, after I finished A Winter’s Promise, I spent an embarrassing amount of time copy/pasting excerpts from this book into Google Translate with the result that I really did spoil a lot of the OpheThorn parts for myself—which I don’t exactly regret. But, essentially, it left me with a bit less to say. I had a good response to my first OpheThorn analysis (it’s here and thank you for all the kind words), so I did think that I’d like to put something out about Clairdelune as well, I just wasn’t sure what. After some consideration (and a re-read), I do have some more thoughts about OpheThorn.

So, here we go.

[Spoilers included this time]

[All fanart images credited to @patricialyfoung]

Intro

Since Clairdelune begins right where Promise concluded, Ophelia is still pissed at Thorn, while Thorn is still pining for Ophelia albeit in his uniquely aloof way. The only real thing that’s made me scratch my head with them is the severity of Ophelia’s anger/resentment over Thorn having withheld his true ambitions from her and her finding out about them from someone else. I just think it’s a little bit of a weak conflict for them given how pragmatic they are. I get that it’s the culmination of a frustrating situation. But I still think it’s weak.

So, once again the two begin on shaky ground, a space they occupy for the bulk of the novel. They are, at least, together a bit more than before and there’s all sorts of lovely tension, mostly caused by Thorn’s inelegant method of wooing compounded by Ophelia’s stubborn refusal to give him an inch. Thorn’s growing feelings for Ophelia were subtly hinted at in Promise and they become more apparent here, particularly when juxtaposed against Ophelia’s stubborn denial of hers for him.

And I just adore the cover art! Don’t you?

Thorn and Autism Spectrum Disorder

This is what I want to discuss. I may be alone in this, but it seems like Thorn could be coded as having autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It occurred to me while I was reading Promise and this time around, I feel comfortable in taking that perspective on Thorn. I like the notion of applying an ASD reading to his character because it explains a few descriptive quirks and makes him more than a “weirdo” or “freak”, which is reductive labeling. When considering his interactions with other characters and their reactions to him, this reading lends an added layer to his actions and overall development.

But let me make something clear.

This book isn’t about ASD, so I’m not suggesting that Dabos intended to write Thorn as having ASD or is trying to make a statement in any way on the disorder, and I’m cautious about how I use this idea to understand the character. This is purely my own speculation/take on the character.

I also want to be clear that I don’t have any personal experience with the disorder. I’ve met people with autism and ASD and they were all very different from each other and had very different needs. So, I’m largely making connections with textbook examples of ASD and they’re maybe a little bit broad because as I said it isn’t explicitly made clear that Thorn has ASD. I may very likely err in my understanding of this disorder. If that’s the case, I apologize in advance and please do correct me or give me your own opinion on this idea.

Here’s an overview from the webpage of the national institute of mental health:

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior. Although autism can be diagnosed at any age, it is said to be a “developmental disorder” because symptoms generally appear in the first two years of life. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a guide created by the American Psychiatric Association used to diagnose mental disorders, people with ASD have:

Difficulty with communication and interaction with other people

Restricted interests and repetitive behaviors

Symptoms that hurt the person’s ability to function properly in school, work, and other areas of life

Autism is known as a “spectrum” disorder because there is wide variation in the type and severity of symptoms people experience. Although ASD can be a lifelong disorder, treatments and services can improve a person’s symptoms and ability to function.

It’s been shown repeatedly that it’s very difficult for Thorn to be an inviting and easy-going person, even with people he cares about. Thorn struggles with communication, is emotionally suppressed, is both uncaring and at times completely unaware of how he presents himself socially, and obsessively consults his pocket watch, particularly when he’s at a loss for words or bored, or otherwise ready to get the hell out of any situation that causes him anxiety. He’s highly intelligent, fixated on order and organization, and has a history (as we know from Promise and learn more about in Clairdelune) of meeting intense emotion with impulsive violence.

Here’s a list (also from the NIMH website) of common symptoms:

Making little or inconsistent eye contact

Tending not to look at or listen to people

Rarely sharing enjoyment of objects or activities by pointing or showing things to others

Failing to, or being slow to, respond to someone calling their name or to other verbal attempts to gain attention

Having difficulties with the back and forth of conversation

Often talking at length about a favorite subject without noticing that others are not interested or without giving others a chance to respond

Having facial expressions, movements, and gestures that do not match what is being said

Having an unusual tone of voice that may sound sing-song or flat and robot-like

Having trouble understanding another person’s point of view or being unable to predict or understand other people’s actions

Repeating certain behaviors or having unusual behaviors. For example, repeating words or phrases, a behavior called echolalia

Having a lasting intense interest in certain topics, such as numbers, details, or facts

Having overly focused interests, such as with moving objects or parts of objects

Getting upset by slight changes in a routine

Being more or less sensitive than other people to sensory input, such as light, noise, clothing, or temperature

People with ASD may also experience sleep problems and irritability. Although people with ASD experience many challenges, they may also have many strengths including:

Being able to learn things in detail and remember information for long periods of time

Being strong visual and auditory learners

Excelling in math, science, music, or art

One can’t help but notice that we can check several of these points off for Thorn. Not all, certainly, but I’m sure you can call to mind some of your own examples of him exhibiting many of these behaviors repeatedly.

Where Does Ophelia Fit In?

Thorn has always treated his relationship with Ophelia in a very business-like manner, almost like a negotiation, which makes sense within the context of an arranged marriage. At the novel’s start, Thorn wishes to make amends, but Ophelia makes it very clear that she will not forgive him for his lies and neglect. His response to her is rather clinical.

“We simply can’t allow ourselves to be enemies,” cut in Thorn. “You’re making my life difficult with your resentment; it’s imperative that we become reconciled. […] Meet me at the Treasury, insult me, slap me, smash a plate over my head if you feel like it, and then let’s never speak of it again. Name your day. This Thursday would suit me.” [65]

I suppose this is a rather annoying response, especially if one is really just looking for a simple and genuine apology. But if we read Thorn as having ASD, then this feels a little different. He’s simplifying a conflict that he maybe doesn’t quite understand; he’s been given a different perspective on his actions and it’s perhaps beyond his capability to comprehend. To compensate, he turns this into a matter of business, which is something he can understand quite well, even going so far as to try and pencil Ophelia into his calendar. But he’s woefully unaware of the frustrating effect his language and tone have on her. Of course, what’s key here is what he isn’t saying: that she’s making his life difficult because he loves her; he wants to be on good terms, but doesn’t know how to fix this. Note that he again suggests violence as a means to deal with her emotion.

When they do meet up, Thorn says,

“I have many enemies. I no longer want to count you among them, so tell me what I must do. That is why you came here, isn’t it? You have a deal to offer me, I’m listening to you.” [152]

He’s desperate. It’s also worth noting that he’s fairly vulnerable in this chapter; he exhibits jealousy and some hurt—Ophelia missed their original appointment because she was with Archibald and forgot about him.

Modest as always, Ophelia asks only for a job, money to pay Fox, her new assistant, and to see the real outdoors again. She lastly requests that he always be honest with her, especially in matters that directly concern her. In exchange, she will teach him how to Read objects after the ceremony of the Gift and he will teach her how to use the claws that he’ll pass to her. She also reiterates, for good measure, that this will be their only conjugal duty. He grants the first three readily enough, but the fourth one trips him up. He does agree to it, but it’s obvious that it will cost him in more ways than one.

While I imagine that he’s receptive on some level to sexual intimacy with Ophelia, I think he’s more afraid of intimacy in general. Sharing things and being honest with a partner means opening oneself up to vulnerability, to weakness. The undertaking he’s set for himself—a mission he’s already devoted 15 years of his life to—doesn’t allow for that kind of intimacy; rather, it requires utmost resiliency, secrecy, and focus. Furthermore, if he were to be seen forming loving attachments (with Berenilde, Ophelia, or anyone else), then that could be turned against him over the course of fulfilling his risky endeavor. It’s that very fear, in fact, which has made him exclude his aunt (and attempt to exclude Ophelia) entirely from his investigation. His pursuit of a noble title and legitimacy is a front, an easy excuse he thought up to satisfy Berenilde’s and the court’s curiosity about why he suddenly wanted to get married and Read Farouk’s Book.

Like Thorn, it scares Ophelia to feel herself falling in love. Perhaps the womanly pride she carries with her makes it difficult for her to open up. After all, love and marriage were never apparently high on her list of things to accomplish either. Ophelia and Thorn are separately dealing with the same conundrum, which is that to love means to fear, and that’s messy. It could get in the way of a life that is humble (Ophelia) and a life that is ambitious (Thorn). Simply put, neither one had accounted for even the possibility of love in their marriage.

Perhaps because Ophelia is a Reader, I think that deep down she likes the enigma and challenge that is Thorn. Yes, he’s frustrating, but she never truly loses interest in him. Indeed, if anything, she becomes increasingly intrigued and is entirely won over when she at last learns all about what he’s doing. Ophelia is very likely the first person to make Thorn both confront and attempt to correct his inadequacy in areas of intimacy. As I touched on in my previous analysis, Ophelia calling Thorn out on his behavior and habits is surely a novelty for him.

“I believe neither in luck nor in destiny,” he declared. “I trust only the science of probabilities. I have studied mathematical statistics, combinatorial analysis, mass function, and random variables, and they have never held any surprises for me. You don’t seem fully to grasp the destabilizing effect that someone like you can have on someone like me.” [377]

Ohhhhkay.

It turns out, she’s a bit of an enigma and definitely a challenge to him in kind. This is Thorn’s way of trying to tell Ophelia that he loves her.

Thorn and Ophelia seek control and wield it differently. Thorn can be arrogant and overconfident with it, and he wants to be its sole retainer. Ophelia also wants to retain it but as it pertains to her decisions for herself, and she rebels against it when she feels like that’s being taken away from her. It’s important to them that they are in control of their own actions and destinies. But what neither one of them understands is that those we end up loving is often (or maybe always) outside of our control. Love has no explanation, and doesn’t require one. You can’t predict it. You can’t dictate it. You can’t calculate it or quantify it.

Ophelia seriously turns Thorn’s life, and everything he thought he could predict or control about it, upside down. Initially unwittingly, then actively, she encourages him to develop.

ASD Made Sexy

As inelegant as he is, Thorn does have his own way of being shocking:

“You wanted me to be honest with you. You will thus learn that you are not just a pair of hands for me. And I don’t give a damn whether people find me suspect, as long as I am not so in your eyes. You will return this to me when I have kept all my promises,” he grumbled, holding his watch out to Ophelia without noticing her stunned expression. “And if you still doubt me in the future, just read it.” [156].

You guys, this is kind of romantic, right? He’s so direct and it really flusters Ophelia, who is steadfastly resisting the decidedly non-business-like turn their relationship has taken. Skip to novel’s end, however, and she has totally changed her tune about Thorn. Right before they believe they will be parted forever, Thorn finally gives a straightforward confirmation of his feelings.

“Don’t go falling down any more stairs, avoid sharp objects, and above all, above all, keep away from disreputable people, alright? […] Oh, and by the way, I love you.” [486]

Swoon.

The fact of the matter is this: despite his unconventional looks and mannerisms, Thorn hits a certain level of sexy. Which begs the question: Can ASD be sexy? Sure, one could say that his sex appeal comes naturally with his role as the male lead, which is directly connected to his chemistry with the female lead. But I think there’s actually an important distinction to be made; it’s not whether ASD itself is sexy, it’s whether a character with ASD is sexy and I think that’s important because you don’t want ASD to be treated as a gimmick in fiction. It matters how that kind of character is presented.

Thorn’s ASD traits make him eccentric at best and a “freak” at worst, by Ophelia’s own description. Some of Thorn’s less offensive eccentricities are portrayed in an endearing light: his brusqueness with silly persons (i.e. Archibald, Baron Melchior) and their silly behavior; wearing his heavy uniform in a tropical illusion when there’s no evident dress policy for officials; preoccupied with tending to the order of his office over the tending of his wounds; launching a dangerous existential investigation all because of an illegal and unjust disruption in odds and probabilities, an utter crime in Thorn’s eyes.

But it’s also important to look at how other characters view him. Those at the Pole may look down on him, but there is no doubt that he commands a considerable level of their respect. He’s at the center of Citaceleste’s political and economical arenas, and has some judicial power as well. In short, he’s the one that everyone seemingly runs to in a crisis. Ophelia begrudgingly admires his self-control, coolness under pressure, and appreciates that he is not corrupt, like the other officials and aristocrats. Naturally, Berenilde regards him the highest. She, more than any other, gives us a glimpse of the true Thorn, putting forward the image of a protector, provider, and all-around genius.

So, the answer is yes. Thorn is sexy.

Ophelia and Asexuality

OK, I realize I’m going off on a tangent here, but since asexuality is a common reading of Ophelia that I see in reviews, I wanted to address that as well.

There are many instances of Ophelia fulfilling, for lack of a better way to put it, the butterfly trope:

Perhaps it was due to the nervousness Thorn brought out in her, or the lace veil obscuring her vision, or the scarf coiled around her foot, or her pathological clumsiness, but the fact is, Ophelia tripped on the final step of the stairs. [28]

Hearing Thorn reawakened such nervousness in Ophelia that she seriously considered hanging up on him. [63]

She did, however, have to admit that Berenilde had got it right: it was indeed out of cowardice, more even than anger, that she’d spent recent weeks avoiding him. [100]

Somewhat embarrassed, Ophelia wondered whether he felt as nervous in her company as she felt in his. [160]

Ophelia felt her blood throbbing against her eardrums, but couldn’t have said whether it was due to sudden relief or, on the contrary, heightened tension. [323]

Ophelia gets butterflies whenever her love interest is near. It’s important to note that she’s not afraid for her safety when she’s with him, although there is one incident, where she thinks he’s going to strike her, which is quickly dispelled by his sincere assurance that he’d never harm her. He gives her butterflies often by doing totally mundane things such as standing in front of her or looking at her, and that bothers her. But why?

Like Thorn, she’s convinced herself that intimacy and love aren’t for her. Some reviewers have praised Ophelia for being a representation of asexuality and, while I think there’s a strong case for her being somewhere on the asexual spectrum, I stop short at positing that she’s totally uninterested in sex or doesn’t experience sexual attraction. She’s noted, on several occasions, both in Clairdelune and Promise, Archibald’s handsomeness. In this novel, she also notes Fox’s.

With his gold braiding and red mane, he was as dazzling as Thorn was dark. Ophelia sensed herself coloring just looking at him. [165]

So, she does experience sexual attraction and, furthermore, she physically reacts to Fox’s appearance (though never to Archibald’s), which suggests that she’s not wholly disinterested in sex. In Promise, she commented that “no man had ever quickened her pulse” and lamented about whether she’d ever feel that way about someone, and I think this is probably the point at which most readers took away that she might be asexual.

But, like...

Thorn is the only man who produces intense and consistent physical reactions in her.

Also, if you look at the [323] quote above, he did in fact get her pulse up. Just saying.

Rather than label her as purely asexual or even being on the spectrum, we could instead speculate that, as a Reader, she’s experienced to some degree love in all its forms through countless objects and perhaps she can’t help having this reaction to love and intimacy. I’m not trying to be cynical or pessimistic, but love can be treacherous and people are driven to do all kinds of terrible things for it or because of it. As wonderful as love is despite that, it seems likely that Ophelia has simply decided it’s not something she wants to navigate. Or she just hadn’t met someone yet who was worth all that trouble.

I’ll Close With This:

“You’re free,” whispered Ophelia. “Free to go, free to stay. I won’t make you leave one cage for another one, although, as you’ve seen, I really don’t live in great security. I decided your fate without taking time to think, or to speak to you. I was selfish…and I still am. […] I still am because, deep down, I would like you to choose to remain by my side. I know that apologizing can no longer change anything, but anyway: forgive me.” [135]

Ophelia says this to Fox after rescuing him from the dungeons of Clairdelune and taking him on as an assistant. Now, when I read this, I couldn’t help but think that it’s precisely the apology Ophelia wants to hear from Thorn. Yet, here she is, guilty of doing to someone the very thing she holds against him. Isn’t it funny how hypocrisy and love are such good friends? As we know, articulation and eloquence are not Thorn’s strengths and some of Ophelia’s aversion to him is based around her inability to accept this part of him.

Eventually, Thorn does make, more or less, the same apology.

“I should never have involved you in my affairs. I knew it would be dangerous. I convinced myself that I had the situation under control, and that mistake almost cost you your life. […] There is one thing that I have tried to tell you several times. I’m no good at these formalities, so let’s get on with it and speak no more of it. […] Please forgive me.” [444-45]

Strangely, she barely acknowledges this; she’s too busy having an epiphany.

At that second, she finally knew with absolute certainty where her place was. It wasn’t in the Pole, it wasn’t on Anima. It was precisely where she was now. At Thorn’s side. [445]

Well, perhaps this isn’t so strange since the novel starts off posing the question to this answer.

Deep down, Ophelia wondered where exactly her first home might be. Since she’d arrived at the Pole, she’d already visited Berenilde’s manor, the Clairdelune embassy, and her fiancés Treasury, and she hadn’t felt at home in any of them. [24]

The theme of home and belonging permeates this novel in a more central way than its predecessor. Ophelia is repeatedly confronted by it, but it’s also echoed in Farouk’s obsession with the Reading of his Book and finding out where he comes from and what happened in his past. When her family arrives from Anima, she sees the Pole and Thorn through their eyes. She ends up defending both from their disapproving remarks and in doing so, she realizes that she has ceased thinking of Anima as her home.

Life in the Pole was like that: wherever one went, whatever one did, danger was part of daily life. And yet, Ophelia reflected, she didn’t hate it that much, that life. [280]

Thorn’s apology seals the deal: she understands now that she was mistaken. Home is not a place. People, those who love you and who you love in return, give a home meaning. Belonging, likewise, is only made possible by the people who accept you and give you a place among them. It’s been hard-won, but she’s found both in the Pole, in Thorn and Berenilde. Her lack of a direct response to Thorn’s words suggests that she’s already forgiven him, that it matters less to her that he struggles with communication, that she’s finally accepted him for who he is and, better still, found him lovable despite that.

If we read Thorn as having ASD, then this intense dynamic between them is a positive treatment of mental/social disorders in fiction, which is really the only point I had to make with this entire thing.

Where Does Ophelia End?

I asked this question in my last analysis. Based off of the fact that, when we left her in Promise, she was experiencing some serious discomfort in body and soul directly connected to Thorn, I predicted/semi-already-knew that she would evolve toward him.

At one point, Ophelia loses the ability to pass through mirrors. We understand that it’s because she’s been lying to herself; after all, her great-uncle made it very clear that mirror-traveling is impossible under such a circumstance. It’s ironic because, by her own admission, she’s a “bad actress” [161] and, according to her mother, “was never any good at lying” [157].

She’s just so stubborn, isn’t she? It’s gratifying then to read when Ophelia overcomes it. Thorn makes a public announcement, cancelling his marriage, refusing to Read Farouk’s Book, and handing in his resignation as Treasurer. He does this to protect Ophelia and her family from imminent danger but at risk to his own welfare and position. He’s basically committing suicide, which very nearly turns literal at novel’s end. Ophelia can only think to go to him by the quickest means possible.

She looked straight at her determined face, beyond its scratches and bruises, finally ready to face that truth that she hadn’t wanted to see. It wasn’t Thorn who needed her. It was she who needed Thorn. Ophelia plunged, body and soul, into the mirror. [416]

I don’t think I need to spell that out.

Thorn and His Watch

To go on a little bit of a tangent, I also wanted to touch on the watch.

I believe it was mentioned in Promise that the watch had been a gift from Berenilde, which is so precious. Berenilde is the only true parental figure Thorn has known. She used her status and wealth to protect and care for him, and seems to understand him as only a mother--one with a child the rest of the world refuses to accept--can. I thought her reaction to Thorn’s suicidal announcement was especially devastating.

She had begun to shake so hard that Agatha rushed to take the baby from her arms. Bent double in her chair, as though punched in the stomach, Berenilde looked imploringly at Ophelia. “I beg you. Don’t abandon my boy.” [412]

Keep in mind that Berenilde has outlived her three biological children, none of whom survived past childhood. Thorn is such a lonely figure that it’s easy to forget he comes from somewhere. But Berenilde’s reminder to us is clear: he’s not the child of his Dragon father nor of his Chronicler mother. Thorn is her child, and she’s terrified of losing him like the others.

While there can be no doubt of her sentiment toward Thorn, it’s entirely likely that Berenilde foisted much of her maternal grief, trauma, and longing onto him without his express permission; he never seems to regard her with any particular filial warmth. Then again, he once attacked Archibald in defense of Berenilde’s honor, after he seduced her away from Farouk, and Ophelia later notes that he “suspended an investigation and jumped into an airship” to be near to Berenilde when she went into labor with her daughter [373]. Thorn is clearly defined rather more by his actions than his words. But the point is Berenilde is the one who gave Thorn his sense of belonging, and I just adore that.

Metaphorically speaking, the watch represents Thorn’s heart, which was given to him by his mother figure and which he gives to Ophelia as a token of his love and trustworthiness. Indeed, it’s even called a “mechanical heart” [156]. Ophelia has Read one of Thorn’s possessions before (dice) and was overwhelmed by the fury and breadth of his emotions. If she were to Read his watch, she’d probably die. Every time he digs it out of his pocket to look at it, to hold it, to fiddle with it, he’s engraving some emotional signature or trace onto it. Ophelia ultimately decides not to Read it.

“Before you go, I would like to return this to you. You need it more than me, and, in any case, I won’t read it. I’ve chosen to trust you—you, not your watch.” [285]

Her words have a profound effect on Thorn, rendering him totally speechless and maybe more confused than ever. At any rate, he misreads the situation and catches Ophelia off guard with an awkward kiss. It’s kind of a heartbreaking scene, because Ophelia simply reacts (by slapping him) and is genuinely baffled that he took her words for encouragement. I don’t necessarily take this to be evidence of her asexuality. I don’t discredit it by any means, but it just feels more like she was taken by surprise.

The thing is, for perhaps the first time ever in his life, he actively desired for someone to know his true heart and to trust in his sincerity, which is why he gave the watch to her in the first place. In his defense, this was quite a pretty and irresistible thing for Ophelia to tell him and I don’t think she’s as put off as she wants to be.

With ears burning and glasses crimson, Ophelia stared at the faded letters on the old wooden panel—“STAFF ONLY”—as if Thorn might, at any moment, retrace his steps, take back his kiss, and leave his fob watch with her, as she’d suggested in the first place. [286]

It’s funny. She wants to erase the uncomfortable physical side of the incident, but she also wants to retain his metaphorical heart. I mean, yes, it’s broken because of some careless action on her part and she asked for it back so her great-uncle could try to fix it. But still. It’s hard to ignore the metaphor there as well: if the heart watch has changed from beating to broken and she wants to hold onto the broken heart watch to try to mend it…

Well, good Lord, it’s just so obvious, isn’t it?

End

Well, that’s about it. As I said, I really only had the one main thought and then a bunch of smaller ones.

I just learned—and am seriously devastated—that The Memory of Babel won’t be released in the U.S. until May 2020. I’m hoping this is a tentative date and that it will be available sooner.

In the meantime, if someone could upload a PDF that I could then spend days plugging in to Google Translate (again), that’d be super greeeeaaaat…

For part III, head here.

#ophethorn #La Passe-Miroir #les disparus de clairdelune #the mirror visitor #the missing of clairdelune #christelle dabos #long book report

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eldritchsurveys · 4 years

Text

768.

Why did you last feel like crying? >> When I checked my bank account because I was trying to decide whether to get HBO Max or not, and I discovered that my stimulus check is coming on Wednesday. I’m just really relieved, lmao. Had just about resorted to convincing myself that I wasn’t going to get one at all. But now I can get some stuff I need but can’t normally afford!

How long ago and why did you last feel infuriated? >> I don’t remember. It probably had to do with people making noise.

Do emotions control you or do you control your emotions? >> Er. Well, here’s the thing -- on a good day, when I’m not having Symptoms Of Disorders, my emotions can be pretty manageable, or at least my management of them can feel pretty competent and compassionate. On the other days, my emotions can be a fucking game of Minesweeper where all the squares have mines in them. Except one. One square has 100 mines in it. The probability of stepping on that square is like 80%. So.

Do you keep your friends secrets/private information to yourself? >> Well, yes, if that sort of thing was shared with me.

What negative quality do your friends bring up the most? >> I... don’t think I’d like to be friends with people who have a habit of bringing up “negative” things about me.

What quality do you think you have that others don't think you do? >> I don’t know, I haven’t taken a poll or anything.

Do you often "jump" to conclusions? >> I mean, maybe. I don’t know how often I do it but it’s probably the average amount.

Do you find being alone with strangers scary, interesting or indifferent? >> That definitely depends on the context of the situation.

Do you think you know a lot about the world? >> No, because I don’t.

What about the world do you wish you never found out? >> ---

Do you know first aid? >> Not really, mostly because I’ve rarely had an opportunity to practice it.

Does the sight of blood make you feel sick? >> Not as a rule.

Does your first name have an L in it? >> No.

Middle name have a C in it? >> No.

Last name have a R in it? >> No.

Do your initials spell a legitimate word? If so, what? >> No, they don’t. But Sparrow’s spells “SAD” and that’s pretty funny.

The word above, does it have any connection to you at all? >> I mean, she is on antidepressants.

Do you prefer classic rock or nope alternative? >> Nope alternative???? I don’t know if that’s a typo or what but that’s hilarious to me for some reason. Anyway, I listen to both classic rock and alternative.

Do you like Kings of Leon? >> Sure. They’re, like... motel-grunge/motel-rock adjacent. (I can’t be the only person who’s made up that term, for certain kinds of bands. Like Queens of the Stone Age and shit. Sometimes Kings of Leon gives the same vibe, but... cleaner, I guess.)

How about The Script? >> Never heard of them.

Does crying make you feel better? >> Sometimes, but first I have to go through the hell of letting myself cry in the first place.

Do you know a girl called Becca? >> No.

How about a guy called Gregory? >> No. I almost said yes and then I realised I was thinking of Greg Hirsch from Succession. smh

Does someones background effect whether you'll be friends with them or not? >> Their... background? What kind of background are we talking about here?

How about their religious background? >> I mean, I don’t think I could be friends with a fundamentalist evangelical Christian. But most non-fundie versions of religions are okay with me.

If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? >> ---

Do you drink tea and/or coffee every day? >> Nope. It’s almost warm weather time, so I won’t be drinking much tea at all until fall, unless it’s iced.

Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? >> No.

How about a fashion designer? >> Yeah, I used to draw outfits and shit. I still think fashion is a fascinating industry but I want no part of it myself.

Do you wish that magic was real? >> I mean, no, not really. Also, like. I have Inworld. So.

What food would you love to wipe off the face of the earth? >> ---

Can you use a bottle opener? >> Sure.

Do you own a cheese grater? >> Yeah.

What time will it be in 38 minutes time? >> 11.06p EST.

What day/date will it be in 11 days time? >> The 20th of May.

Have you ever owned a pet fish? >> Nope.

Do you prefer fire or ice? >> I have no general preference. They’re both valuable.

Do you rap along with rap songs? >> If I know the lyrics, yeah...

When happy, do you become more talkative? >> Not necessarily. Sometimes I’m happiest in silence.

Bowling or sailing? Why? >> ---

What colour is your kettle? >> Black.

How about your microwave? >> White.

Do you prefer sitting in the front or back of a car? >> It doesn’t matter.

How about in a train? On the bus? >> I have a specific seat I like on the bus. Train, doesn’t matter. (On the subway, I liked sitting in the smallest seats so there’d be less chance of someone sitting next to me. Some of the newer trains have that one-seater that flips up, by the door? Love that seat.

Do you care about politics? >> Fuck no.

Obama or Bush? >> Well, that’s this survey dated.

Blair or Brown? >> ---

When did you last cook something from scratch? >> I don’t remember.

What things make you jealous? >> ---

Are you offended easily by non politically correct language? >> I’m not easily offended, period. Most things I recognise aren’t meant to be taken personally by me, specifically. But obviously I’m leery of the usage of incendiary language -- I’m not going to hang out with someone who throws around racial slurs or mocks people for having feelings about words meant to hurt them, like, duh.

Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right? >> I have no opinion about this, especially not a generalised one.

Do you feel hungry, thirsty, sleepy or none of the above? >> I’m getting tired because it’s around my bedtime.

What's your I.Q? >> ---

What's your Mum's Mum called? How about your Dad's Dad? >> ---

Do you prefer crepes, pancakes or waffles? >> Waffles.

Do you have ice-cream in your fridge right now? >> I think Sparrow still has some in there. Oh, and I still have a few mochi ice cream balls.

How about chicken nuggets? >> No, just fried chicken.

Do you eat fish often? >> Not as often as I’d like.

Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one{s}? >> No.

Do you know anyone who is scared of you? >> I don’t know if anyone’s afraid of me. If someone is, I bet they’re not going to go around telling me about it.

What person who has died would you bring back and why? >> ---

Do you like watermelon? >> Eh. I don’t get the hype.

Can you remember the month of your first kiss? >> ---

Do you make friends easily? >> No.

What makes you different from everyone else? >> Nothing, dude. I mean, I obviously have differences from people I know, or people I might encounter, but not from literally every human on earth.

I give you a piece of paper. What do you draw/write on it? >> ...

What pictures or photos are up in your lounge? >> My what.

Do you like purple and white patterned things? >> Not especially.

Do you know anyone called Pipa? >> No.

I say purple, you think... >> Sparrow, because I think she’d paint the whole world purple if given half a chance.

What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? >> Just, you know. My existence.

Do you like being complimented or does it make you uncomfortable? >> It can make me uncomfortable because of brain shit, but I also appreciate it and will try to express appreciation instead of discomfort.

Does the description of your starsign correspond with your personality? >> No, because the language of astrology as used to describe a person is more complex than just wherever the Sun was when you were born.

Do you have a photo album? >> No.

What artists paintings do you find the most beautiful? >> *shrug*

What about the most disturbing? >> *shrug*

Have you ever gone to a camp or summer school? >> No. I did summer theater once and I’ve gone to day camps.

What was your favourite cartoon as a child? >> Johnny Bravo is the only cartoon I remember watching, tbh. I didn’t get to see a lot of television unless it was the boring ass shit (to a child, anyway) my dad watched.

What was your biggest fear as a child? >> Thunderstorms. Until I hit thirteen and then suddenly I just... wasn’t afraid of them anymore. Don’t ask me how it happened, I really don’t know. (It might have been more gradual than that, of course. Memory is unreliable, especially from that far back.)

Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? >> Breathe underwater. So, you know, I could actually not almost drown for once.

What about invisibility or mindreading? >> Invisibility. I want nothing to do with other people’s minds.

Do you like what you see in the mirror? >> No, which is why I don’t look in the mirror unless it’s necessary.

Which stereotype do you dislike the most? >> All of them??? Stereotypes in general?

Can you remember all your past teachers names? >> I can remember more than I’d expect to remember, but definitely not all of them.

Do you like talent shows? Which ones? >> No.

Have you ever failed an important exam? In what? >> Yeah, I failed the English midterm and final in 11th grade -- well, I say “failed” but it’s more like “I got a zero because I literally turned in a blank sheet of paper”. I... was definitely struggling.

Do you find people taller than you intimidating? >> No.

Do you think you are better than people of a different country/background? >> Fuck no???

What's your favourite thing about your country? >> Dude.

What's your least favourite thing about your country? >> Sigh.

Who is your favourite bzoinker? >> I don’t have a favourite, I just use bzoink to find surveys.

What websites do you have bookmarked? >> I have a lot of websites bookmarked.

Do you use bows and ribbons to decorate your gifts? >> No. Well, I’ll stick a bow on a Christmas gift because why not, but outside of Christmas I don’t even wrap gifts. I might put it in a bag but that’s it.

Do you listen to the same type of music as your parents? What type is that? >> I grew up listening to soul and R&B and gospel, so yes, that’s all still part of me.

What TV show scared you as a kid? >> None.

Family Guy, The Simpsons or South Park? Why? >> Hmm. Well, I don’t really know anything about The Simpsons, but I’d probably like it better than Family Guy, and South Park is so hit-or-miss (with a lot of misses) for me that I can’t really deal with it anymore.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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kyn19 · 4 years

Note

1 THROUGH 98! I WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS AND I CAN'T STAND GETTING THEM PIDDLING BIT BY PIDDLY BIT!!!!!

Lmaooooo what a fuckin Mood. Thank you!!!!! Also, you’re getting Drunk Kylie answers which are arguably the Best answers. For the courtesy of everyone’s dash, answers are below the cut!! <3 <3 <3

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs! I have a sizable collection lmao #WriterLife

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

omg such a tough one, both are aces. seriously I can think of so many combatting pros & cons!! the only fair way i can currently conceive is which i would want weed in. Which is lollipops bc (#UnpopularOpinion) pot makes chocolate taste bad.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

both are great, but def bubblegum.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

“Pleasure to have in class” in true Gifted Child fashion

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i’ll rate them in order: 1) can (absolutely preferred), 2) bottle if alone but plastic (lez be honest, Red Solo Cup) if with company, 3) glass (do not like)

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

#1 goth all the way. Pastel and Formal guest appearances

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphone, bc earbuds usually hurt my ears.

8. movies or tv shows?

first of all, how dare you. second of all, tv shows ONLY BECAUSE if all my fave movies were given tv shows so that they could last longer i would choose so

9. favorite smell in the summer?

idk i guess pool chlorine? dislike summer

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

bruh fuckin none. elementary school: too long ago to recall. middle school: escaped having to take gym at all. high school: had a medical excuse to take online PE. least athletic girl u know

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

i don’t have bfast bc eating close to when i awaken makes my tummy upset

12. name of your favorite playlist?

hmm 4-way tie between “#motivate #bitch” (gets me pumped to work) and “Friends Of The Illness” (my playlist of songs about and/or artist who are mentally ill) and “Ominous/haunting” (speaks to my creepy side) and “Bad Bitches” (self-explanatory amirite)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Key ring. Straight up I use an extra shoelace as my key ring string, despite owning multiple lanyards.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

god another fkn hard one. Listen y’all, you dont understand how much of a sugar fiend i am. candy is my JAM. Starbursts, Sour Straws, Skittles, Jolly Ranchers...who can choose?!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

“Ceremony” by Leslie Marmon Silko. Highly recommend!!!!!!!!!!!

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

laying down lol sitting is for suckers

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

combat boots like the gay i am

18. ideal weather?

low 70′s degrees (F*), intermittent showers during the day but clear starry skies overnight

19. sleeping position?

mostly fetal, mostly on my side but chest is towards the bed, one arm under the pillow under my head

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop. I used to love writing in notebooks, but ya girl got weak fingy joints nowadays

21. obsession from childhood?

pfft as if they aren’t the same obsessions i have now

22. role model?

so many!!!!! Jameela Jamil is the first that comes to mind

23. strange habits?

lmao i am ass-deep in idiosyncrasies, if you ain’t read the blog title already

24. favorite crystal?

i don’t know anything about crystals. does blue topaz count? cuz that’s my birthstone and i like that one a lot. i even had the foresight to pick that as my engagement ring’s stone in my utterly preposterous & failed relationship

25. first song you remember hearing?

oh wow, no idea. music has always been huge for me. probably either a Britney Spears or Mary J. Blige song???

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

stay inside lmao

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

WEAR SWEATERS & DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE, BITCH!!!!!!!!!

28. five songs to describe you?

oof ok, hard, but here goes:

“Here” by Alessia Cara

“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls

“I’m Just a Kid and Life Is A Nightmare” by Simple Plan

“No Daddy” by Teairra Mari

“Brick By Boring Brick” by Paramore

29. best way to bond with you?

i am straight up not easy to make friends with (bc my own bullshit, not trying to be pretentious), so bonding is hard. the best way is probably a combo of queer + memes + loves food + correct morals + being the dominant talker

30. places that you find sacred?

Libraries, locally owned coffee shops, Walmarts at 3am, playgrounds in the middle of the night, side of a rural road at 12am, my bed

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Blazer + shirt with a titty window + high waisted plaid pants + platform booties

32. top five favorite vines?

OMG I LOVE VINES OK OK OK OMG I LOVE SO MANY SO HERE ARE JUST THE ONES I QUOTE THE MOST OK:

Josh Kennedy: “What’s up my name’s Jared I’m 19 and I never fucking learned how to read”

Sarah Schauer: [dont remember the beginning] “didn’t you..?” “sleep in this? yes. mama needs A DRINK”

Evan Breer: “What’s up my & my boys are going to see Uncle Kracker - give me my hat back Jordan, do you see Uncle Kracker or no - *gasp!*”

Drew Gooden: “Road work ahead? Um yeah, I sure hope it does...”

Nathan Enick: “Yo how much money do you have?” “69 cents” “Oh you know what that means!” “...i don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets :( ...”

33. most used phrase in your phone?

bruh like how even am i supposed to answer this?? like texts or Siri requests or????? bc if it’s Siri requests then it’s 100% for arithmetic

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Stanley Steamer. you kno the one

35. average time you fall asleep?

3:30am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

bitch i’m a 90′s child of the internet, i was around the web before YouTube launched, i was there when the first modern memes were fucking conceived. i will say the biggest repository of meme culture that i was a part of was YouTube and icanhazcheezburger.com & its side-sites.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel - Tie-Dye Girl from the Lindsey Lohan “Parent Trap” made quite the impression on me

38. lemonade or tea?

Lemonade! hate the leaf water

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon cake! Not a meringue pie girl saly

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

I’ve been to a lot of schools yo lol. My undergrad college was def the “weirdest” ofc, bc it was an art school lol. An instance that stands out was a string of “Solid Gold Clit” graffiti after a Sophia Wallace visit to campus right before i started there.

41. last person you texted?

My bff triad pals @backwardswriter and @bristarshine

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

damn tough call. Probably jacket pockets bc i’m more likely to have those as a lady who wears lady-targeted pants

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

Plum!

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy, though sci-fi is a solid 2nd. Not much of a superhero gal

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

.....underwear only. Sometimes an oversized t-shirt too.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Mozzarella!!!

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

I would want to be like a pomegranate, but i’m probably a nectarine

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“If you hope for the best but expect the worst, you’ll never be disappointed.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

bitch i’m a giggle monster, i taught myself to be easily amused as a survival mechanism.

51. current stresses?

My own lack of discipline.

52. favorite font?

oooooof i have so many ok. too name a few: Centaur, Garamont, Book Antigua, Times New Roman, Montserrat.....mostly Serif fonts bc I’m an old books bitch

53. what is the current state of your hands?

I don’t love my hands (how homophobic of me, I know). Currently they’re kinda dry and full of sandwich

54. what did you learn from your first job?

what kind of boss I like. also that my customer service voice is frighteningly pleasant

55. favorite fairy tale?

Original tale: Thumbelina. Adaptations: Snow White.

56. favorite tradition?

uhhh Thanksgiving feast I guess? i am not a traditions gal

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

I am very very fortunate to not have a lot or a severity of these. The ones that I’ve had the worst of are: gender discrimination/harassment as a woman, hardcore emotional abuse in a relationship, and heavy heavy mental illness

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Tangible talents: writing, lying. Intangible: A+ imagination, useless trivia.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“I support you!”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

like if Tokyo Mew Mew and Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni had a baby

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

Again, how dare you. Like literally, asking me to pick a favorite line from something is like asking what my favorite breed of dog is. Legit impossible

62. seven characters you relate to?

Ananka Fishbein (Kiki Strike series), Mermista (She Ra & the Princesses of Power), Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter), Gwen (Total Drama), Rori Gilmore (Gilmore Girls), Villanelle (Killing Eve), Andrea (St. Trinian’s)

so like all very- to semi-weird white girls lmao

63. five songs that would play in your club?

[by the term “club” i assume that i’m limited to pop and electronic music. even with the limitation, though, a super hard question]

“Talking Body” by Tove Lo

“Hot in Herre” by Nelly

“Because the Night” by Cascada

“Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels” by Todrick Hall

“Break Free” by Ariana Grande ft. Zedd

64. favorite website from your childhood?

pretty much any doll franchise’s site (Barbie, Bratz, My Scene, Polly Pocket, Diva Girlz, everGirl, etc you name it)

65. any permanent scars?

Yep. One by a dog scratch (it was honestly a weak/shallow/innocent scratch, i still have no idea why it scarred at all), and a few from a car crash last year

66. favorite flower(s)?

i don’t really like flowers? i usually just say Forget-Me-Not’s for ease

67. good luck charms?

bitch idk but i’m knocking on wood just from thinking bout it

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

you ever taste that chocolate Laffy Taffy? vile bruh

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

I am annoying enough to know how i learnt all my facts, but the funnest fact I like to annoy people with is that ducks have corkscrew penises evolved from their main form of mating being rape

70. left or right handed?

Right (like any ol’ simp)

71. least favorite pattern?

polka dots

72. worst subject?

MATH and also PHYS ED

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

One time whilst high, I put nacho cheese Doritos on a tuna sandwich. Winning combo, I’m telling you

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

My pain tolerance is straight up unpredictable, so like anywhere from a 3 to a 9

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

5 years old

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Mashed potatoes

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

I am not a plant person. Moss.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

fucking neither but i at least like coffee so i guess the former....

(i know, it’s tragic and barbaric that i dislike sushi, i wish i had another answer for you)

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Neither lmao - I got them within a month of each other (six years ago) so they’re essentially the same photo.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

I mean those are the same bug so I assume this is asking about which terminology I typically use/prefer. Which i would say both bc I’m a cultured ho

82. pc or console?

I don’t game so I guess PC lmao

83. writing or drawing?

Writing but I like both

84. podcasts or talk radio?

damn neither lmao I can’t focus on non-music audio only. I guess talk radio, just bc I can do like ten minute radio segments at least lol

84. barbie or polly pocket?

both were lit but I had more Barbies

85. fairy tales or mythology?

not to sound like a broken record but FIRST OF ALL HOW DARE YOU? second of all, I essentially consider them in the same category at this point in modernity, so my answer is Yes.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cupcakes, but both are exquisite

87. your greatest fear?

spiders, heights, clowns, seeing bad things happening to animals, that my consciousness will exist even after death, y’know normal stuff

88. your greatest wish?

to transfer myself into one of my fave fictional worlds

89. who would you put before everyone else?

dogs, next question

90. luckiest mistake?

i make a lot of those honestly, so who knows

91. boxes or bags?

LISTEN I LOVE CONTAINERS OF ALL SORTS, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME CHOOSE, IM PANSEXUAL FOR A REASON

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

FLASHLIGHTS, BITCH

93. nicknames?

Ky, KyKy, Moonshine, SugarTits, Goog Bones

94. favorite season?

Autumn (yes i call it that instead of Fall bc i’m a pretentious ass bitch lol)

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr, c’mon

96. desktop background?

Currently a digital art painting of a flowing stag in a swamp that I downloaded from DeviantArt. I change it every few months though (to other downloaded digital art from DA that I collect periodically lmao)

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Seven - mine, my mom’s 2 numbers, my grandma’s, my pop’s cell and office (also my old office) numbers, and my childhood house phone number lol

98. favorite historical era?

Golden Age of Piracy, specifically bc the piracy lol

Thank you so much for the asks, this was so much fun!!!

#asks

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lostsummerdayz · 4 years

Text

Death Note One-Shot Chapter Review

“AH! SHINIGAMI!” But in 2020!

By: Nay Holland

Death Note started off as a manga and anime series that joined others in its ilk during the 2000s renaissance. This was the time period that brought us many herald classics such as Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, Inuyasha, Full Metal Alchemist, and Gurren Lagann. I can spend the entire time naming at least ten other series that would either go on to have devoted fans over a decade later or continue in some form. Of course Naruto lives on through Boruto, rumors of a Bleach revival are on the way, and One Piece is, well, never ending at this point.

However, among the “Roaring 00s” of anime, Death Note always stood out to me. While I was invested in Naruto since middle school, I hadn’t touched Death Note until my high school years. During this time, the series was still popular, yet it always seemed overshadowed by the other bigger names. Despite this, it remains a huge hit in Japan with several live action movies, a prequel light novel, several dramas, and a TV series.

Of course, there was also the Netflix Original film which was an attempt to “Americanize” the series, for whatever reason. Back in 2017 it was a talking point, mostly how it didn’t live up to the source material presented. Nowadays, no one really talks about it and it is probably for the best.

While Death Note is considered a cult classic in both the East and the West, it is no surprise that content is still being created to this day. The surprise factor stems from the unexpectant delivery of said content. On February 3rd 2020, the creators behind Death Note, author Tsugumi Ohba and artist Takeshi Obata, revisited the world that Kira left behind in a one-shot published by Viz Media.

While you don’t need to read the original manga to read the one-shot, the one-shot will assume you know the original source as many existing characters, themes, and events from the original manga are all featured within the chapter. That said, it will greatly enhance the experience if you know the source material. Past this point there will be spoilers on the original manga and the one-shot chapter as I’ll be referring to both.

This isn’t the first “one-shot” within the Death Note universe. The first official one-shot dates as far back as 2008, two years after the original series was completed. Set three years after Kira’s death, this one-shot focused on a new “Kira.” This “Kira” has access to the Death Note via a shinigami (who wasn’t Ryuk) and used it to murder those who had a low life expectancy. However, the new “L,” formerly known as Near, quickly shuts his antics down. The new “Kira” then uses the Death Note to kill himself and the shinigami retrieve the book.

Before we can discuss the latest one-shot, we first have to discuss Takeshi Obata’s art exhibit that was held in the Summer of 2019; Never Complete.

Never Complete was an art exhibit celebrating Obata’s thirty-years as a manga artist. Within the exhibit, many of his previous works from Hikaru no Go, Bakuman, Death Note, and the latest ongoing series, Platinum End were all on display.

Bonus content which included first drafts of illustrations, were also featured. Among the bonus content, the most peculiar one was a storyboard draft of the 87-page one-shot. The storyboard draft can be seen and read in almost its entirety on the official Shonen Jump Plus website. Six months later, we have an official release in both Japanese and English. The official English translation can be viewed here.

Our story begins right where the previous one-shot left off. The shinigami who wasn’t Ryuk, gives Ryuk back the Death Note, claiming he was unsuccessful while also giving him an apple as an offering. Being bored of the shinigami world as well as a craving for more apples, Ryuk sets off to see who could be the successor of the Death Note. If it entails free apples, Ryuk ain’t complaining.

We then get to meet a young Minoru Tanaka, a middle schooler who is known for having the highest test grades in the region. When Ryuk introduces himself to Tanaka, the only thing Ryuk knows is that Tanaka is smart in school, comparing Minoru Tanaka to Light Yagami’s aptitude in school.

However, his actual grades are mediocre at best. This already contrasts Light who was a certified genius both in tests as well as grades. As Tanaka explains that his ability to score high on tests are dependent on his knowledge of IQ tests and quizzes, he bemoans that adults who see grades yet fail to see the bigger picture are no better.

As Tanaka holds the Death Note in his hand, all he knows is that it was once Kira’s. It is during this scene that we learn the state of Tokyo after Kira’s death, ten years later. Yagami’s legacy lives on as he is taught in schools around Tokyo. Tanaka exclaims that he was taught about him in Ethics class and in World History class, both of whom consider him to be an evil mass-murdering sociopath that placed Tokyo on the brink of destruction.

There’s just one problem with holding the single most powerful and dangerous weapon in the world. What good is a Death Note if you can’t even read its instructions?

While this wasn’t a problem for Light as he was a genius who understood fluent English and Japanese, here was a middle schooler who struggled with English. He asks Ryuk to translate the English into Japanese, just so that he can understand how to use it.

However, while not as academically bright as Light, Minoru is more logical with his approach. He understands how the Death Note was used in the past. The major difference between the past and the present are the increase in security measures to ensure a repeat of what happened doesn’t transpire again. When Ryuk asks if Minoru can use the Death Note the same way that Kira did, Minoru hesitates.

Knowing the state of Tokyo right now as well as knowing the history of Kira and the Death Note, he has no interest or intentions of using the Death Note for similar deeds. Here lies a normal child who excels at critical thinking who has the opportunity of a lifetime.

Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. He also can’t risk the book falling into the hands of someone else who would use the book for the same reasons Kira did, or worse. So he does the one thing that he could do in this situation. He buys himself two years of time. He tells Ryuk to come back to him in two years, while asking him two critical questions.

The first question he asks is if it was possible for those who touched the notebook to still see Ryuk. This would involve the former Investigation Team and Near, who brought Kira to justice.

The second question was how far can Ryuk move around without being close to Minoru. This comes into play two years later when Minoru decides to ultimately sell the Death Note.

That’s right. He sells the Death Note.

But not just to anyone, especially not via Craigslist either.

Conveniently, the TV broadcast station is close by Tanaka’s house. With a pen and paper he tells Ryuk to write a message that will incur interest without actually having to directly contact Tanaka himself. Since the net and all of its usage can be easily tracked, using the TV to broadcast the message provides a safe approach for Tanaka to cover his trail. Rather, you can’t cover a trail you never create.

Conversely, those who had seen Ryuk from ten years ago, were able to see Ryuk on television. This introduces several key characters from the original series into the one-shot. The first is Matsuda, who is every bit as hot headed and foolishly passionate in the present as he was in the past.

The second, is L.

Not the L we know, but, the current L. Near.

Fragments of the iconic “L vs Kira” fight start to show over the next few pages as the bids for the Death Note reaches into the trillions and L continuously wondering how things are playing out. He understands that the “Auction Kira” or “A-Kira” is playing a very cautious game, but fails to see the endgame.

As the bid for the Death Note reaches record highs, it is revealed that the two nations bidding for the Death Note are none other than…

...The United States of America…

...And China….

Despite two of the largest world leaders in the hot seat bidding on the Death Note, Minoru is unphased. In the end, the USA wins the auction. At this point, Near awaits to figure out just how “A-Kira” is going to attain the money. Thinking this through, Minoru demands payment in such a way that it is almost impossible to be tracked down.

Within this time period, it is enough for Tanaka to relinquish ownership of the Death Note, forget he had it, and live a peaceful life along with millions of others in Japan. Given the circumstances and how millions will have access to such money, as well as the owner of the Death Note forgetting he had the Death Note, Near backs off, admitting defeat.

There is one fatal flaw to Tanaka’s entire plan and it was a flaw that would lead to his death.

Turns out Tanaka was so smart that not only did he outsmart the smartest human alive, but he also outsmarted the Shinigami King himself. Shortly before the Death Note was relinquished, the King ordered Ryuk to write a new rule within the Death Note. The rule being this.

With even the Shinigami King being upset that the Death Note was allowed to be sold to another, this new rule ensured that Tanaka was going to die a month from now. The president, however, chose to relinquish ownership, but declares that he has the power of Kira to herald his power over everyone else.

So, as stated in the new ruling of the Death Note, Tanaka’s name was written in Ryuk’s Death Note as soon as he received the money and the chapter ends on that note.

The first thing I want to mention is that Tanaka was too smart for his own good. Kira’s downfall was that his God complex forced him to become disillusioned. Tanaka’s downfall was the complete opposite. He felt his plan was entirely foolproof without taking into the variable of the shinigami lowballing him.

This reminded me of the time when Rem declared that she would kill Light if he ever caused the death or harm of Misa. At this point this was Light’s first interaction with another shinigami. Knowing who Rem was and the type of person she was, he was able to manipulate her to his livelihood by sacrificing herself. Tanaka never got to see the Shinigami King himself, and the King made sure of it.

Tanaka not only never met another shinigami so he could understand how they would behave, but he also never met Near---I mean L. I gotta stop calling him Near.

He never got to meet L, he never got to meet the investigation team. All of Tanaka’s actions were met through the safety of his room. This was beneficial as he was able to cover his tracks, but it proved his downfall as he followed a plan from start to finish without thinking of the variables.

The moment Tanaka relinquished ownership, his fate was sealed. Tanaka wouldn’t have known about the rule change and it wouldn’t be up to Ryuk to remind him. Ryuk is many things, but Ryuk is a shinigami of his words.

It’s because of Ryuk being a shinigami of his word that proved to be fatal to Light as well. From the beginning of Light’s reign into Kira, Ryuk promised that if Light were to ever put himself in a situation where Light would die, Ryuk would write his name in the Death Note.

Ryuk never had the chance to warn Tanaka about the rule change as he was told never to show his face again. Thus, Tanaka died oblivious to anything that he had done, unlike Light who died knowing all of the things he’d done.

The final thing I want to reflect upon is the concept of legacy. Throughout the chapter we’re told about the lasting impression Kira had on not just Japan, but the entire world. It was this legacy that spurred the interest of ownership of the Death Note to begin with. Even if the Death Note was never used, the fact that it could be used to incite fear and dominance among one’s nation and the world is enough for anyone in a position of power.

The caveat of covering your path is that no one knows your name. This was the entire point of Tanaka’s ownership of the Death Note. He wanted to get rid of it while also making a profit off of it. If all of Japan would reap the benefits of the Death Note, then it was just a bonus.

His mother wouldn’t struggle, his family wouldn’t struggle, everyone would be set for life. This one child single-handedly caused an entire economic bubble and yet his legacy would be left behind with no one knowing who he was.

If you’re a fan of the series, I highly recommend giving this a read. In fact it makes me want to revisit the series one more time. It was nice seeing how my old favorites were doing ten years later, both literally and within universe. It was also a good read that, much like the original Death Note, left a lot to think about as far as current events.

The timing of the release of this chapter, the realistic physical details of the world leaders for USA and China, and the themes shared within the chapter are non-coincidental I believe. While a Death Note is obviously fantasy, it reads itself like a parody of modern-day politics. A caricature of the lengths those in power would go to obtain a destructive instrument used for intimidation purposes.

Unfortunately, even if you do everything in your power to just live a peaceful life, in the words of Ryuk…

#death note #death note one shot #ryuk #kira #light yagami #minoru tanaka #l #near #manga #anime #review

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kpoppernov-10 · 5 years

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Monsta X Concert Review

On Saturday 8/3/19, I went to the MONSTA X <WE ARE HERE> show at the Hulu Theater in NYC. After such a great concert last year, I was more than happy for my second Kpop concert to be at Monsta X’s next world tour. The fact that it was in NY instead of NJ made it even easier for me to attend. Plus, my brother joined me for this concert so it was nice to go to a Kpop event with someone. This year’s experience was a bit different from last year’s, but one thing that stayed consistent is that Monsta X put on a good show.

There’s a lot to discuss, so I’ve broken down the concert experience into parts.

Pre-Concert

Tickets

As I mentioned in a previous post, getting a ticket took more work this year. There seems to have been a technical problem with the Powerhouse website but I was still able to get decent tickets. I think I was technically closer to the stage than I was last year, but I was more to the left of it so I wasn’t able to watch Monsta X from the center like last time. Nevertheless, I was in the front row of my section, so I was able to see and enjoy everything fairly well.

Venue

Although it was easier to get to this venue, it was nowhere near as nice as the New Jersey Performing Arts Center. For a place as famous as Madison Square Garden, the Hulu Theater is very basic with not much aesthetic at all—mostly just grey walls filled with (granted, comfy) seats. That’s not a big deal though since that aspect of the venue doesn’t really matter. But what does matter is the fact that the acoustics were lacking so the sound quality for this concert wasn’t as good as the rich, surround-sound-like experience of the NJPAC. It’s a shame that the venue had an unfortunate effect on the concert but oh well :/

Crowd

There was obviously a high percentage of young females but there seems to have been slightly more guys than before. There were very few older people attending this show and few Asian people in general, but I think the group was still diverse. The crowd waited patiently outside in the setting sun, and it was really nice to see two concertgoers dressed in Ongshimi Minhyuk outfits! The general check-in process was very organized but there was, understandably, much more security (metal detectors, bag x-rays and K-9 dogs) since this is NYC. Either way, everyone was seated and ready to go in no time thanks to all the helpful staff.

CONCERT

Although the concert was originally advertised to be at 8 PM, I found out only a few days earlier that it would actually be at 7 PM. But I guess most people got the memo because the place was pretty much full before the show started. There were some “false alarms” because a few things happened before everything officially began (e.g. the lights dimmed, a screen for the tour popped up and an Mnet ad appeared twice), but the show did start at approximately 7:10 PM.

Stage/Audio/Visual

The main stage wasn’t that big and it was only one level, but there were multiple big screens that displayed things from different angles and used different effects. The screens enhanced the overall concert experience since I could watch close ups on side screens and also enjoy background visuals on the main screen. Like I said, the audio was not very good and sounded a bit low for some reason. It also seemed like the audio was only coming from the stage area instead of sound filling up the entire theater. Either way, the lighting was good and there were points during performances where stage lights changed colors, steam blew from the stage and confetti rained over part of the audience.

Videos

The show started with a really cool opening video that introduced the group/members. The other concert videos were also good and I actually think that this year’s video content was better than last year’s. Instead of a Monsta X party, they had “MonTube” that showed each member doing funny YouTube-style video clips that related to their personalities and interests. The other videos showed more scenes and details from the Alligator/Shoot Out era and they did a good job explaining the whole 7 Deadly Sins concept that they’ve pretty much had since their Beautiful era. Although I definitely enjoyed the videos for The Connect Tour, I still don’t quite know what they were really about. So Monsta X did a much better job at making their videos entertaining yet understandable this year.

Talks

Monsta X talked throughout the concert in both English and Korean (with a translator), but they made a clear effort to speak more English this time. Although some members still struggle with English, you could hear how much other members improved (Kihyun’s English is now the second best in the group!) and most were able to speak more comfortably than last year. The most surprising part of the talks was when each member gave a little speech entirely in English at the end of the show. I honestly think they should’ve just let Shownu and Wonho speak Korean since it was so difficult for them to express themselves in a different language, but I appreciate the effort and I think their English will continue to improve with time.

Songs/Performances

Monsta X performed about 20 songs, plus they had special group acts and solos. There were more props for this concert which was a nice touch to their performances. As usual, everyone sounded good and the dancing was on point. I think their wardrobe was better than last year’s and their black and gold outfits were my favorite. They sang about half of the songs from each of their latest albums, some songs from The Connect mini album, but few (or even no) songs from the rest of their discography. I guess Monsta X is reaching a point in their career where their song collection has gotten so big that many great songs can’t be in their concerts simply due to time constraints. And the fact that they released two full length albums back-to-back made it even less likely that most of their older songs would be performed. Nevertheless, some of the missing songs were featured in the bgm of their videos and overall Monsta X picked a solid set list that included different styles, energies and moods for the concert.

I’m not a fan of the remix versions of Monsta X songs, but the 8-bit video screen for I’M’s part in Hero was really nice. They sang less title tracks but the new choreography for their non-title tracks was good (especially for Oh My). Minhyuk and Jooheon sang the Ongshimi chorus during one of the talks and it was funny when Jooheon sang and Wonho rapped another member’s part while performing. I was surprised that many of my favorite songs weren’t in the concert, but it was good seeing less/non-promoted songs live. The solo performances were a real treat since I enjoyed Jooheon's drum solo and Hyungwon’s DJ stage was one of the best parts of the show.

Conclusion

Overall, it was great to see Monsta X again. Unlike last year, I had to stand up most of the time so I could see, but thankfully I didn’t lose my voice or get dehydrated because I learned my lesson from my first concert :P. There was actually more humor in this show than last year so it was fun to enjoy music and laugh throughout the evening. I hope everyone had a wonderful time, and I’m glad that the rest of the world tour was a success. Monsta X, fighting!

For more details about the concert, keep reading :)

Intro video

Shoot Out, Hero (remix), Trespass (remix)

Intro talk

Kihyun screams hits a high note that makes him cough

It was really funny/cute when Minhyuk was like “Did you miss us? Did you miss ME?? Did you miss Wonho?”

Party Time, Play It Cool

Talk + Kihyun asks us to sing the chorus of Play It Cool’s English version

Mohae, Jealousy

MonTube video

Shownu - ASMR mukbang

Wonho - Fitness

Minhyuk - Makeup

Kihyun - Coffee

Hyungwon- Fashion

Jooheon - Cooking (makes a Honeyto burrito)

I.M. - English class

Group Performances

Kihyun, Minhyuk, & Hyungwon - Bazzi’s Myself

Jooheon & I.M hip hop song + Jooheon plays the drums

Wonho & Shownu - Mirror (made by Wonho)

Talk about songs

Jooheon & I.M messed up the bottle flip during their performance so they tried again but still failed :P Hyungwon was the one who was able to do it. (Note: They didn’t get around to talking about their song, but according to @KUnnies_on Twitter it’s called 삼박자)

Honestly, Noel Hada, Sweetheart

Talk

No Reason

7 Deadly Sins Movie

This was a very interesting video because it clearly showed which sin each member was portraying: wrath (Shownu), sloth (Wonho), agony (Minhyuk), loneliness (Kihyun), pride (Hyungwon), greed (Jooheon), and envy (I.M.). Even though I already knew/figured out most of this already, the reason why I wasn’t sure about some of them is because they replaced lust and gluttony with agony and loneliness, which are more emotions than actual sins.

It’s nice that the video officially clarified all this because I thought Minhyuk was lust since many of his scenes in MVs had roses in them and Kihyun was gluttony since all the formula-filled images related to him made it seem that he was a glutton for knowledge or something (or maybe Wonho was gluttony because he ate an apple in an MV?). Either way, their concept makes more sense now :)

Who Do You Love, Dramarama

Talk

Oh My, Special, Fallin’

Talk + them acting like this was the end of the show :P

Alligator, H.One’s DJ performance, Rodeo

Real Goodbye/Closing (mostly done in English)

By My Side

Group picture, Wonho’s shirt toss, final bows

Credits with behind the scenes footage

#Monsta X #world tour #NYC kpop #kpop #we are here

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onimartialartist · 5 years

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Hey budoblr. Some help or advice for a struggling beginner sensei looking to get more students?

Alright so I've done martial arts for 11 years now and about a year ago I decided to start teaching, to help me learn and progress more as well as to share some of that wisdom and experience. Now I've never been much of a business person and this is really my first experience properly trying to build something so I really would appreciate advice from those of you who have done this stuff before. I had a guy helping me in the beginning then he essentially became useless and has failed to hold up most parts our agreement so I really stopped learning or benefitting from him. And my old martial arts teacher and me have a slightly odd relationship right now in that I use to think the world of him and then after he let me down rather hard personally over a year ago I never really felt I could talk to him anymore, even after i tried to train under him again I mostly just felt more negative emotions about the whole thing.

I have kids classes at a community hall and I've built my own home dojo in the basement perfect for private lessons with adults (4 people at most could train comfortably at the same time) I also have a website, instagram and Facebook page I have started trying to take training videos and building up a small library of pictures and videos for advertising though I wouldn't say I'm great at it.

(www.onidojo.com) (Facebook.com/onidojomartialarts)

My adult classes are charged like a monthly class fee but that actually buys you 1 private lesson each week (as I can teach at home in the house dojo so I have no overhead and it's much easier if people come to me anyway as all my equipment is here)

Oh and I teach bujinkan ninjutsu (2nd dan) and am working on becoming a qualified Arnis teacher (10 years training FMA side by side with ninjutsu) I have real combative experience as a loss prevention officer and security guard as well in competitive tournaments (continuous sparring, kata, grappling). I specialize in joint locks manipulations, stand up striking, iron body skills and weapons mostly.

I would love to hear any and all advice, help or otherwise. So like send me pm's and reblog if it's in your heart 😰

#martial arts #training #ninjutsu #arnis #kungfu #traditionalmartialarts #eskrima #kali #karate #budo #martial artist #bujinkan #budoblr #euntrepreneur

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jordanjaeger · 5 years

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Life Update + What Will Become of This Blog

Hello everyone! I know it’s been a very long time since I last updated this blog. I still log in and browse around from time to time, but obviously I’m no longer very active. So I apologize for that.

I see I’ve gained quite a few new followers. I want to say nearly 150-200+ since Fall 2017. I’m not sure. I haven’t really kept up with who’s new and who isn’t. That’s why I wanted to come on here and give you guys an official update and what the future of this blog may look like.

If you’re not necessarily interested in my life update, then you can go ahead and skip down to the section where I talk about my blog and what I foresee it becoming in the future. If you are interested in getting to know me, where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to, and how I’ve been, then keep on reading!

To my old friends whom I made when I first started this blog, I really, truly hope you are all doing well! I noticed some some of you have changed usernames, or moved on to new blogs. I’m just happy to see that most of you you all are still here. <3

As you may know, and to the new followers who may not know, I’ve been in college for about three almost four years now. My first university was a four year school just ten minutes away from my home. I attended there after graduating high school back in 2015, but I only attended for two years primarily to focus on my general education courses and save money. I did this because my first school didn’t offer my degree, which was Graphic Design, so I knew I would eventually end up having to transfer.

While I was at my old school, I had a lot of free time on my hands. If I wasn’t at school I was at home in, my room drawing, writing, or binge watching Netflix, Hulu, YouTube, and other various anime. It wasn’t until Attack on Titan season 2 that I really became invested in the show, and decided to create my blog jordanjeager.

I knew I loved anime and writing, and I had already been following a multitude of different AoT/SnK blogs, so I thought why don’t I create one myself? It’ll be fun, and hopefully I can make some friends who enjoy the same things as I do in the process. In the end, my blog became very successful. I found myself writing almost everyday all day, even at work, and I made about five or six really amazing friends on here.

In Fall of 2017 I transferred schools to pursue Graphic Design. That’s when things started to turn left. It was my first official “freshman” year as it was my first time being away from home, and having to adjust to a new city, new environment and new campus turned out to be more than I could handle. Also, I was distracted with new friends, and just overcoming personal battles that would help me to promote growth and happiness. Because of this, I had a hard time focusing on school which in turn reflected on my grades. Not to mention I was still trying to find time to write for my blog. I ended up triggering a small era of depression that would come and go.

2018 was just a bad year for me period. The friends I had made my first semester at my new school started falling off one by one. One got pregnant, so she moved back home, and the others just failed to reciprocate the same energy I had given, so I eventually backed off and became isolated. I was alone, and for a while I was fine with it, but as time went on, my depression worsened.

In the summer of 2018 I took two classes, each one was four hours long, which in total was 8 hours. You guys, I was going to school for 8 hours a day, four days out of the week, with no breaks. The classes were extremely accelerated and it felt like I was working a 9-5 job with no pay. Not to mention towards the end of the summer semester, I became extremely ill for two weeks.

Fall 2018 came around and my on and off depression had gotten a lot worse, mostly because of my degree. I was finally getting into my upper level classes for GD, and after barely passing one of my classes, I was starting to come to the realization that maybe GD wasn’t for me. But I was too conflicted to switch majors because I was afraid of either starting over or prolonging my graduation year. I currently won’t graduate ‘til Fall 2020. You guys, I’m 22. You see my dilemma here?

I tried to do my research on what I else I could possibly pursue in the arts that wouldn’t put me behind, but my options were degrees that I knew I’d struggle to find a job in. I don’t want to be living paycheck to paycheck after spending hundreds and thousands of dollars on a degree.

Finally, 2019 rolled around and I started another semester. This time though, I’m taking the part II to the class I barely passed last semester. Still unsure of what to do as far as my degree, still depressed, I wondered if I’d ever find something to study that brings me joy and makes me happy, but will, at the same time, sustain me with a decent salary. Then something amazing happened.

After talking to one of my professors, whose class I both needed to take for my GD degree and am now currently taking, I learned of a new degree that overlapped with GD. It’s called Intermediate Design (app and website building) and it was basically the gist of the class I’m taking right now, which is Interactive Media. You guys, when I learned about this degree, I was quick to do my research and schedule an appointment with the advisor and head coordinator, because the class I’m taking now with said professor is basically a synopsis of ID, and I love my IM class.

So after talking to both the advisor and coordinator of the ID degree, I realized that this is what I want to pursue. This is what makes me happy. Despite it being challenging, I find myself becoming more and more excited as I work on my projects for my IM class, and if the projects I’m doing now are what’s to be expected of the ID degree, then I know what I want to do.

Since making the decision to switch my major, I have been nothing short of happy. I withdrew from the class that was the second part to the class I barely passed last semester, and am now only taking three courses. I can’t tell you how happy and relieved I am, and how much weight I feel has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like I have a clearer headspace now that I know what I want to do for the remainder of my college career.

The Blog

With all that being said, I want to start back writing again. I’ve had a lot more time to catch up with AoT/SnK, and now that I’m up to speed with the manga, I feel inspired to write again. I want to write again. Writing has always been a hobby of mine and a getaway from everyday life.

I don’t have any friends where I go to school, so I’d like to pick back up this hobby because I know it’ll help take my mind off of the loneliness I sometimes feel being here. Plus, I know that I won’t be judged for liking the things I like and participating in the things I enjoy.

But, I want to know what you all’s thoughts are. To those of you who have been with me since the beginning and those of you who are new, would you be interested in me opening my request box up again? I still get many notes and reposts from you all, and I’ve even gotten a couple messages from some of you hoping that I’ll start taking requests again. I want to make this an experience for both you and I, and I want to become more engaged with my followers. So let me know you guys’ thoughts and I will take them all into consideration.

That’s all I have for now!

Xoxo

Jordan Jaeger

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allenmendezsr · 4 years

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Discover the hidden Muscle-Building SUPER-POWERS your mind and body already possess.

ENOUGH!!

Wasting your precious time in line to do your set, and after that laying on the previous guy’s sweat.

Going back and forth to the Gym, wasting an hour per day, by waiting for public transportation or looking for a parking spot.

Getting hassled into paying 12-month gym-memberships, and in the end having nothing to show for it!

NO MORE EXCUSES!

PAIN

FEAR

BAD LUCK

THEY DIDN’T HOLD YOUR HEROES BACK! THEY DIDN’T HOLD ME BACK! WHY SHOULD THEY HOLD YOU?

AWAKEN YOUR INNER SUPERHERO

I know for a fact that we all hide a personal Superhero within. But, this Superhero is constantly sabotaged by a ruthless villain – Comfort.

Comfort is the Kryptonite to your Superman. It brainwashes us to conform to a limited reality and yet… we live in a society where it has become the ultimate goal.

Look, we all have our own struggles to deal with.

And no, it’s not going to be easy to overcome these… But if you’re already wondering “where does one start”. You’re already on the right path.

The first thing you need is a challenge to shake you up. Next, you need someone to guide you through this challenge. Not just anyone of course… but someone who has actually gone through it all, and then some.

“If your daily routine feels unnatural and plastic, and if you’ve been living in limbo for too long – it’s time to BREAK THROUGH IT!”

WHO AM I AND WHY CARE?

My name is Anthony Arvanitakis and I’m a 3-TIMES BEST-SELLING AUTHOR on Amazon.com. I’ve been also featured on websites such as:

The Art of Manliness | One of the largest independent men’s lifestyle websites in the world askMen.com | No. 1 ranked website in categories such as “men’s Lifestyle – Men’s Sites” T-nation | One of the top 5 Strength training websites in the world

Why am I telling you all this? I want to show you that I don’t just talk (or write) the walk… I also walk it! And as a matter of fact, I walk it on one leg. That’s me in the picture on the right, at age 27. Not the fittest person in the world, right?

After a disastrous accident at age 22, I spent the following years mostly in bed. Having surgery after surgery, feeling depressed and eating unhealthy, while the doctors tried to reconstruct my severely fractured leg…

After 5 dark years I (finally) realized one thing…

Feeling sorry about yourself doesn’t ever get you anywhere. When life is hard, remaining motionless is easy. It does not require any effort. And the more we stand still, the more paralyzed we become. So, instead of letting ourselves sink in the quicksand of our despair, there is only one more choice left. We have to pull ourselves up from your own bootstraps!

Not only did I get up again – but I decided to become the strongest version of myself. First stop – getting back in shape. During that time, I didn’t even have access to a gym. But it didn’t matter… Why?!

And that is what I did. One day I simply said “Enough”!

Because, I already had my mind set to my goal and I told myself that I would achieve it no matter what. With just one pull-up bar and four walls (my tiny apartment) at my disposal, I started working out using mainly bodyweight exercises.

Results? Within 6 months I was strong and lean, without going to the Gym! As a matter of fact, I even turn all this into a bestselling book.

After my first transformation, I noticed that I looked great when I stood topless in front of the mirror. But, the moment I wore a shirt, I looked like another ordinary thin guy. And that’s when I discovered my new challenge. I decided that :

“I WANTED TO LOOK JACKED, WHETHER I WAS WEARING A SHIRT OR NOT. I WANTED TO LOOK LIKE A FREAKING SUPERHERO”

So I made my goal public. I would create a new training program to build a Superhero Physique from the comfort of my own home. People around me (other than those who thought I was joking) said I was over my head. They said I couldn’t do that without steroids and going to the gym.

People like to stand in your way when you’re going against the grain. But, a Superhero’s journey starts when he stops craving others’ acceptance and begins carving his own path.

My new challenge wouldn’t be easy to pull-off, I was fully aware of that. If I was to become a superhero– I would need my own super-power…

After a couple of months of training with the superhero homeworkout plan, some people who saw my progress on Youtube, implied that I might be using illegal substances. Little did they know that the means I used to transform myself is completely free and available for anyone. It doesn’t come in a pill nor a bottle. As a matter of fact, it comes from within (more about this in a moment). Just like Superhero-powers.

Gaining muscle and losing fat is considered the holy grail of bodybuilding. Well, within a few months, not only did I gain 15 pounds of Muscle, I even got more shredded!

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT YOUR MIND HAS SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN SUPER- POWERS

THAT CAN HELP YOU LIFT 30% MORE WEIGHT WITH EVERY REP YOU DO

Without actually loading your body with any extra dangerous weight!

New scientific study from Copenhagen (Denmark), published in March 2016, in the European Journal of Applied Physiology, validates the Mind-Muscle connection!

“The mind has a bigger influence on the body than we think.”

Says one of the researchers.

“Although freely available to everyone and scientifically proven – the Mind-to- Muscle-Connection still remains the most neglected training technique. It’s actually the biggest reason why people fail at transforming their body.”

MIND OVER MUSCLE (FREE BONUS EBOOK)

The Mind-to-Muscle Connection (MMC) might have been just a theory a while ago, but studies done these last years have begun showing that MMC is not just a theory – it’s a fact! Of course, this is something that experienced people with amazing physiques already knew for decades now (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Lee, Eugene Sandow, Max Sick and the list goes on…)

WHAT IS THIS MMC (MIND-TO-MUSCLE- CONNECTION) YOU SPEAK OF?

I don’t just talk about Mind-to-Muscle connection in abstract terms (as most people out there do). I’ve created a whole supplementary bonus guide(!), in which I’ll be giving you clear guidelines (instructions, videos, mental cues) on how each exercise can be performed, in order to induce superior muscle activation.

In simple words

Instead of adding extra weight in an exercise, you can learn to focus on specific inner cues/sensations that cause your muscles to contract harder. Why care? Well, this increased muscle contraction and it’s effects (greater muscle-fiber recruitment, increased neural activity and increased local fatigue (aka “the burn”) lead to greater strength and MUSCLE GROWTH!

The Superhero Homeworkout will teach you that the strongest muscle of your body isn’t your back, chest nor your legs… It’s your mind!

WHY BODYWEIGHT?

We’ve been misled into believing that to get in shape we need all those shiny complicated machines we see in big corporate gyms.

From working or studying for hours in a sited position – we go to a gym where most exercises are done in a seated position again. This is not the best thing for your posture neither body. Most machines focus too much on isolation movements, and neglect stabilizing muscles and connective tissues. As a result, people develop dysfunctional strength and are more prone to injury.

I can guarantee you that no gym pressing exercise can beat handstand push-ups. No gym pulling machine can beat pull-ups. No gym crunching machine can beat the total core activation of a compound bodyweight workout. And no gym bench-pressing related exercise can beat one-arm push-ups.

SLIDESHOW: 8 BODYWEIGHT EXERCISE BENEFITS

Slide to discover them all

Greater and broader recruitment of muscle groups

Proportional development of muscles with their connective tissues

Superior core activation in comparison with gym type machines

Coordination improvement

Practicality (Bodyweight exercises can be done almost anywhere with minimum equipment.)

Self-mastery (gaining greater control over your own body provides you a feeling of self-mastery and self-empowerment.)

Greater visual appeal. What is more awesome… Talking about how much weight you can bench press at the gym or performing a one-arm push-up at the beach?

WHY TRAIN AT HOME?

Having a gym as the only place where you can train doesn’t serve a long-term fitness lifestyle. Why? First of all, a proper workout plan should be practical. It should allow you to train no matter the time, weather and mood. The only place that applies to these circumstances is one’s own home.

To be honest, switching to this mentality (if you’ve trained in a gym for years) might take a few weeks of getting used to. But once you do, you’ll realize that there’s nothing more convenient.

CAN I ONLY USE THIS PLAN AT HOME?

Homemade Muscle workouts are not just limited to being performed at home. Because they are based on bodyweight and minimalistic equipment (bands, sandbags etc), they can be performed pretty much anywhere.

Let’s say the weather is great and you’re in the mood to train outdoors?

No problem! All you need is a place with a pull-up bar (or anything you can hang on – such as a tree branch, sturdy pipe, etc).

Or let’s say you have busy work days so that the only time to workout is during your lunch-break and the only place available is the gym.

No problem… Homemade Muscle programs are all about flexibility!

SO, WHY DO MOST PEOPLE FAIL TO TRANSFORM THEIR BODY?

Is it because they don’t have access to a fancy gym? Is it because they don’t lift heavy enough weights? OR Is it because they aren’t using steroids?

HELL NO! Not only have I proved this isn’t the case, but I even did it on ONE LEG!

SO WHY DO PEOPLE FAIL THEN?

I’m pretty sure a lot of you are wondering right now “what about genetics”? Good question… People very often limit them selves in life by blaming their own biology.

“YOU NEED GOOD GENES TO BUILD A GREAT BODY” “ITS PROBABLY NOT ON THE CARDS FOR ME…” “IF THAT WAS THE CASE, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT”

Admit it, you’ve used these excuses at some point in life…

Have a look at my before picture above… Do you see a person predestined to be a Superhero? Either Physically or Mentally? Nope! And now guess what was the biggest reason for me being in that state for years? It was the fact that I kept on telling myself the same excuses…

Look, I won’t lie to you – genetics do influence our results. But… if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you can overcome almost anything if you have the right tools and mindset.

Is it because they don’t have access to a fancy gym? Is it because they don’t lift heavy enough weights? OR Is it because they aren’t using steroids?

HELL NO! Not only have I proved this isn’t the case, but I even did it on ONE LEG!

SO WHY DO PEOPLE FAIL THEN?

I’m pretty sure a lot of you are wondering right now “what about genetics”? Good question… People very often limit them selves in life by blaming their own biology.

“YOU NEED GOOD GENES TO BUILD A GREAT BODY” “ITS PROBABLY NOT ON THE CARDS FOR ME…” “IF THAT WAS THE CASE, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT”

Admit it, you’ve used these excuses at some point in life…

Have a look at my before picture above (albino picture)… Do you see a person predestined to be a Superhero? Either Physically or Mentally? Nope! And now guess what was the biggest reason for me being in that state for years? It was the fact that I kept on telling myself the same excuses…

Look, I won’t lie to you – Genetics do influence our results. But… if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you can overcome almost anything if you have the right tools and mindset.

So, even if your genes suck, don’t worry! I have a few more secret cards up my sleeve to help you out with this!

IN WHAT OTHER WAYS DOES THE SUPERHERO HOME WORKOUT DIFFER FROM OTHER PLANS?

Most typical programs on the market have one or more common flaws. They’re way too hard, they’re too short-term, they’re too generic and they lack in programming. I know, there are programs out there promising such amazing results within 3 weeks and even less (?!). But trust me… I’ve tried a lot of these and just like a lot of you, I’ve been misguided, lied to and manipulated. Yes, it would be great if we could transform into our dream bodies within days. But wanting to believe in something doesn’t make it true. So here’s the truth:

Building your superhero-body won’t happen over-night but this book will teach you how to do it within 4 months – through proper and science-based programming.

There is no one-size-fits-all Superhero physique for everyone. The Superhero Home-Workout will help you find YOUR custom superhero physique based on your body-type.

It’s not going to be easy but I’ll have your back. This book gives you access to my personal secret Superhero Facebook group where I’ll personally answer your questions and offer you support on a daily basis.

Building your superhero-body won’t happen over-night but this book will teach you how to do it within 4 months – through proper and science-based programming

There is no one-size-fits-all Superhero physique for everyone. The Superhero Home-Workout will help you find YOUR custom superhero physique based on your body-type.

The body is just 50% of the results

Through this book I don’t just want to help you build a Superhero physique. That’s just half of the reward. The other half is building the Superhero mindset that can go with the body. Studies have shown that exercise is one of those habits that trigger widespread positive changes in one’s life. I can vouch for this since it’s what helped me restart my life after spending 5 years in bed!

And that is why I also always focus on the mindset when I create workout plans. People who have completed the Superhero Homeworkout told me personally, and even posted in our secret Superhero League Facebook group, about all the other positive changes that were triggered from this book.

Some improved in their business goals, others got the girl they always wanted, some improved at school/university… Depending on what you’re focusing on most right now in life, this plan will help you get there faster and certainly with great possibilities of success.

To complete a challenging fitness goal such as the Superhero Homeworkout, you’ll need to develop both physical and mental toughness. Qualities such as patience, work-ethic, determination, and tenacity slowly arise – and if you’re mindful enough – you can learn to apply these in the rest of your life’s fields.

It’s not just about how you’ll look – it’s who you’ll become.

I’m so confident about this program, that I’ve backed it up with Clickbank’s standard 60-day guarantee. If you see no results, after practicing this workout plan for 60 days, you can ask for your money back!

ClickBank is the retailer of products on this site. CLICKBANK® is a registered trademark of Click Sales, Inc., a Delaware corporation located at 917 S. Lusk Street, Suite 200, Boise Idaho, 83706, USA and used by permission. ClickBank’s role as retailer does not constitute an endorsement, approval or review of these products or any claim, statement or opinion used in promotion of these products.

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artificialqueens · 7 years

Text

The Louvre (Sashea Lesbian AU) - wordsmithmaybe

A/N Guess who’s back with another Sashea lesbian AU fanfic? *awkwardly raises hand*

This was lowkey inspired by one of Lorde’s new songs ( hence the title)

Enjoy, my lovelies <3

Shea isn’t heartbroken.

She was never the type of girl that felt too many feelings all at once. And she was definitely not one to cry over a failed relationship.

She carried herself with so much pride and strength that the thought of ever falling apart, or allowing herself to fall apart never crossed her mind.

It was never an option.

Every time, she had to keep going.

Every. Single. Time.

She fought so hard for everything she achieved: a former super model, a high fashion photographer, and a millionaire before she even turned 30.

Talent is good, bud hard work is even better.

She loved and appreciated everything she had accomplished alone.

But somehow nothing matters anymore.

Because she’s gone.

Shea IS heartbroken.

Laying on her king sized bed, surrounded by things that cost too much, she cries.

For the first time in over ten years.

She cries, because she lost her.

The only one that ever made sense in a world of clutter and chaos.

Sasha didn’t come into her life with an agenda; if Shea knew one thing it would be that.

When she knocked on her door a year ago, Shea thought it was a joke.

“You booked me for tonight on the website,” She had said, taking off her coat only to reveal a corseted waist, pasty covered nipples, and the tiniest thong Shea had ever seen.

The strange thing was, despite the sexy “outfit”, Sasha unveiled an otherworldly type of innocence in her smile.

Her face was the closest thing to perfection, and even though Shea believed perfect is subjective, she decided to make an exception one time, that turned into two times, then three, then four, then five, then she lost count.

Shea hadn’t booked anyone that night, definitely not an escort or a “call girl”, but she couldn’t bring herself to do anything except play along.

Turned out, days later, her friends had wanted to send her a late funny surprise for her birthday.

And what a surprise it was.

That night, Shea didn’t want to do anything but stare and listen.

Sasha talked a lot, mostly nervous babbles.

Shea wondered whether that was her “style” or she was truly naive.

In the end, she decided it was a mixture of both.

Nothing really happened.

Except when Sasha awkwardly asked if she could leave, since not much was going on.

Shea kissed her, and asked if she could stay for the night.

Sasha’s eyes sparkled as she whispered, “I don’t usually kiss my clients.”

Shea quickly apologised, but Sasha smiled and kissed her back, “Maybe I’ll make an exception,”

And another exception became a habit. For both of them.

As Shea’s tears keep streaming, colouring her sheets with mascara and eyeliner, she can only remember Sasha, fresh out of the shower, asking if she could use some of her her makeup kit.

That first morning.

That first damned morning.

“I’m sorry I usually don’t sleep over. I didn’t pack my makeup, and I look terrible.” Sasha kept explaining, but Shea just smiled. She wanted to tell her that she looked like the white roses which grew in her garden every spring. Then, she decided that was too specific of a description.

“Only if you let me do your makeup,” She jokingly requested.

Sasha just giggled.

And the only thing Shea remembers after that, is the soft feel of Sasha’s cheek against her hand’s palm side as she gently applied a natural shade of eyeshadow onto her eyelids.

She did her makeup, and drove her back to her place.

She knew these were not things you do for an “escort”.

Sasha also knew, Shea figured, because she refused to get paid as she quickly typed her number on Shea’s phone.

The next time they met, it was at a restaurant.

A week later.

Sasha wasn’t wearing that red corset.

Instead, she had a beautiful black strapless dress on, her blond hair pulled into a tight ponytail.

Shea was mesmerised. Once again, she couldn’t take her eyes off of Sasha.

She wasn’t sure what was happening.

This random woman just came into her life in the most bizarre ways.

Yet here she was, taking her breath away without even trying.

Shea was dazed; and she stayed dazed for the entire time.

They talked.

A lot.

By the end of the “date”, Shea felt like she knew everything about Sasha. Not just that she made art for a living, and escorted women to pay the bills, but also how dogs were her favourite animals, that she hated fizzy drinks, but loved sparkling water. Which made no sense. But Shea was starting to get used to this nonsense.

After all, she was on a date with a call girl that her friends sent.

Nothing beats that.

“Capitalism killed the art,” The blonde girl had casually stated, taking a sip from her wine glass, “I have to do what I have to do,”

Shea also found out that Sasha was originally from Russia, and that she loved smoking weed and talking shit about the world.

Was it too early to admit that she was smitten?

Maybe it was nervous babble again, but Shea loved every single word that escaped her red lips.

When they had finished their food, Shea realised that she had also told her a lot about herself.

Like how she was raised and abused in foster care, how she always dreamed of being a model, but when that dream finally came true, she left it behind for photography.

She had discovered that she enjoyed looking at beautiful things more than she enjoyed being the beautiful thing.

Sasha quickly became her favourite beautiful thing to look at.

That night, they took the longest walk in the city.

They were getting to know each other, but Shea felt like she was just remembering something that had already happened.

Perhaps in a past life.

Many things made Shea feel like she already knew Sasha.

The way she didn’t feel scared or nervous around her.

How their hands fit perfectly together as they held onto each other, and watched the sunrise over Brooklyn.

It was a fairytale dream, and Shea couldn’t believe her eyes.

Sasha was sweet to her.

She cared.

She listened.

She didn’t value Shea for her fortune or fame.

She was too proud to even let Shea spend money on her.

Maybe that was the red flag Shea should have paid attention to, but she was too young and in love to be bothered.

Their new found romance moved quickly; even made minor headlines.

Shea’s friends didn’t approve.

Sasha’s friends didn’t approve.

Everyone didn’t get it.

They didn’t understand how they could be together.

But Shea and Sasha didn’t care.

At least at first.

Sasha continued her “night job” as well as day job.

And Shea didn’t mind.

At first.

They had talked about it, and Sasha had promised that she never let any women “go down on her”, and she would never kiss them.

Her job was to please; she got paid for it.

That made Shea feel somewhat better, but deep down she was getting jealous.

She was also getting more hurt, because why didn’t Sasha want to be taken care of by her?

Shea had enough money for both of them to live comfortably for years to come.

Shea secretly hated that stubborn Russian pride that made her fall in love with Sasha.

But things were still good.

They still spent most nights together.

In each other’s arms.

They danced their mornings away to ABBA songs as they made breakfast, and spent entire afternoons eating popcorn and binge-watching the worst horror films from the 80s.

They went on endless hikes, and ate hotdogs in parks.

Shea started to forget everything awful that had ever happened.

Shea was happy.

Genuinely happy.

And Sasha? Shea thought she was happy too.

But then suddenly, people were talking too much.

The gossips.

The bigger headlines.

The friends that still didn’t get the memo.

Shea didn’t care much, but it became obvious that Sasha felt differently.

She started missing date nights, and she stopped coming over.

In no time, Shea found herself staring at the photos she had taken of Sasha, trying to understand what was happening.

She went over, to ask questions.

But Sasha only smiled.

Not that giggly or warm type of smile.

Not the smile she had on her face every morning they woke up to each other.

Or the smile she wore when Shea agreed to ordering pizza at midnight.

Not even the one she displayed when she saw puppies.

This smile was different.

This smile was sad, and broken, and disappointed.

“I can’t be with you,” Sasha, then, admitted, “I’m sorry,”

That was it.

That was everything she had said before closing the door.

Of course, Shea knew why.

There were too many reasons.

Maybe it was the New York Times article that discussed her “affair”. A famous model turned photographer dating a random Brooklyn painter who dabbles in “prostitution”.

Maybe it was the fact that she lost friends and colleagues over her love life. Perhaps it was watching Sasha’s endless struggles to pay the bills, and not being able to help out.

She had returned home a week ago, and never left.

She hasn’t answered any calls or messages.

She hasn’t showered or even looked in a mirror.

And she doesn’t even remember the last thing she’s eaten.

Maybe it was that cheese pizza, half of which is still laying in the box on her nightstand.

Nothing matters.

Because she is gone.

Shea has cried so much that she is pretty sure there are no tears left in her eyes.

So she turns to alcohol, and cigarettes, and more alcohol, and more cigarettes.

By the end of the second week, she can’t believe she’s still alive.

She feels like she’s in another realm, a less palpable reality.

She’s losing grasp on her sanity.

So when the door bell rings, it seems like the work of her imagination.

More rings, but then they stop.

It would’ve been her imagination playing tricks on her had she not heard the front door open. Had she not seen Sasha walk into her bedroom. Tears streaming like rivers down her pale cheeks.

“Oh my god, you’re okay,” She says as her sobs get louder, “I had to literally force security to open the door for me,”

Sasha threw herself on Shea, and hugged her, whispering, “I thought something bad had happened to you.”

Shea can’t return the hug.

She has dreamed of this moment for days, but now that it’s happening, something feels wrong.

It feels unfair.

Her heart is beating so fast that she can barely breathe, but it’s not because she’s in love.

It’s because she’s mad.

Angry.

Enraged.

She pushes Sasha away, and jumps away from the bed. Like she’s trying to leave as much space between them.

She doesn’t want to cry, but since when tears listen?

So without permission, they roll down her cheeks, slowly at first. Then all together.

Shea is crying, and screaming, and saying things she doesn’t understand.

Something about how Sasha can’t do this to her.

She can’t break her heart apart, then show up like nothing has occurred.

Like Shea’s life hasn’t turned upside down.

Like she hasn’t felt death whisper sweet melodies close to her ears just hours ago.

Sasha’s face express what can only be interpreted as hurt.

But Shea doesn’t care.

She just sits on the floor, by the window, burying her face between her knees.

She doesn’t lift her head even when she hears Sasha walk around the room, doing whatever.

Sasha doesn’t leave.

Instead, Shea realises she’s cleaned the room and threw away the trash as she finally looks up.

“Go take a shower,” Sasha states casually, her eyes still red and puffy from the silent tears, “I don’t think you’ve eaten in a while, I’ll order Chinese.”

Shea just stares, poker face is all she can master in the moment, “You don’t even like Chinese.”

“Yeah, but I love you,” Sasha replied in the most casual manner. She doesn’t even look at Shea as she continues to organise the nightstand, her back facing the other woman.

Shea shakes her head in disbelief. She almost chuckles despite her heart still having been shattered only two weeks ago.

Her anger begins to subdue, but not entirely.

She doesn’t say anything back, and she knows that must have killed a piece inside Sasha’s heart.

But she doesn’t care.

Okay.

Maybe she does care, but she also cares about her own feelings that were not only hurt but brutalised by Sasha.

Maybe Sasha needs to feel some of her pain in order to understand Shea, perhaps even regret her decision to leave in the middle of the greatest thing that ever happened to any of them.

Shea takes a shower, and comes back to the room.

“The food is gonna be here in a few minutes,” Sasha says, avoiding eye contact.

Shea rolls her eyes, “I don’t care about the food,”

Sasha looks up, and they lock eyes.

Shea knows that Sasha knows that they need to talk.

“You didn’t come here to eat Chinese food with me. If that’s the case, maybe you should just leave.” Shea states.

She sits down on the bed, so far away from Sasha, but also close enough to notice her face slightly changing as she brings her thumb to her mouth and bites her nail.

A habit Shea is well too familiar with.

Sasha is stressed, and overwhelmed.

Shea knows that.

But she also knows that she’s not about to have her heart broken all over again over Chinese food.

She wants to be in the moment.

She wants to reach over and grab Sasha in for the most desperate embrace.

She wants to kiss her lips, and sleep this nightmare away next to her.

But she can’t do that unless Sasha says something.

“I’m not good with apologies,” Sasha starts off, avoiding Shea’s eyes once again, “But I’m so fucking sorry. I messed up, okay? I ruined the best thing in my life.”

Sasha has always been a pro at hiding her tears.

If it weren’t for her voice breaking, Shea would have never known.

“I know it’s too late now to fix it all, but I will always be in love with you.” She continues, “if anything bad happens to you because of me, I swear to god I will fucking kill myself, because I can’t-”

As Sasha’s sobs get louder, Shea does what she wanted to do for the past two weeks.

She brings Sasha in and just hugs her so tight that she can literally feel the pieces of her smashed heart get mended back together.

They fall asleep in each other’s arms, and just like that things are no longer horrible.

Shea will later wonder what has happened to that Chinese food delivery.

Shea will also wonder about all the possibilities that would have been written off from her life had Sasha never showed up that night.

Sasha will change, and she will say yes when Shea asks her to move in for the tenth time.

She will paint 30 different portraits of Shea, and have the success she’s always dreamed of. She will decide to ditch her escorting job, to love Shea full time.

Shea will fall in love with her everyday all over again, and continue to grow by her side.

They will make art and love together for many, many, years to come.

They will fight, and break up. Then get back together.

They will travel to places they never knew existed and experience things they never thought about experiencing.

They will eventually get married. Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

Maybe they will adopt children, and maybe dogs. Or both.

They will grow old together, and sleep in the same bed even when blonde hair is specifically white and tall model figure is not as tall or slender anymore.

They will always be in the back supporting each other even when everyone else no longer knows who they are.

They will write a legendary love story, and it will blow the minds of girls and boys and everyone in between everywhere.

Every time.

#wordsmithmaybe #shea coulee #sasha velour #sashea #lesbian au #angst #hurt/comfort #fluff #tw substance abuse mention #tw language #rpdr fanfiction #submission

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cessanderson · 4 years

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Endings and Beginnings https://ift.tt/372fFGC

Even before I knew how to name it (or identify it) one of the core principles of my life was always to follow my energy. I used to say that I was a jack of all trades, or that I had a lot of hobbies, or, in wry moments, with countless projects in-progress around the house, call it “Project ADD”.

Fifteen years ago– before all of the houses and power tools– I used to take art classes, religiously. Metal casting, stained glass, painting, pottery, photography. I don’t have a passion for a specific art medium, just a desire to know how things are done, and then, when I can picture something in my head, to bring it into existence. I often don’t care what it is, or what’s involved in bringing it to life, I just get an overwhelming urge–once I can see it–to make it real.

And, truthfully, every construction project I’ve taken on, that house I built while I lived in a garage, and almost everything I’ve done on the farm is just a bigger and more complicated extension of that. Of picturing something in my head, and then bringing it into existence. Building it, planting it, tearing things down and/or cleaning them up. (Okay, fine, very very rarely cleaning things up, but you get what I’m saying.)

Everything I’ve written on this website has also been an extension of it. Once I’ve broken something down, dived into the details, and understand it from top to bottom there’s nothing I love more than to tell a story about it. To share it with everyone else. And while I know this is not the case, part of me likes to assume everyone out there is just like me and wants to know all the ins and outs of how things work, and how to take it all apart and put it back together themselves.

The internet, and the early days of blogging, provided such an amazing platform for those things, partly because nobody was doing it. There wasn’t good information out there written by, well, nerds like me. People who were just learning themselves, but passionate enough to want to dive right in, learn everything they could, and share it with everyone.

There are sixteen whole years of my life documented on this website. Even if you look back at the online world ten years ago, there wasn’t great “how to” information on the internet when it came to houses and DIY, and so everything I wrote here felt good, and useful and energizing.

A few years back I stopped writing how-to articles, mostly because all of the sudden you could find how-to’s on almost anything online (and I’m not mad about it… do you know how many parts I’ve been able to change out of my piece-of-shit ’95 farm truck because some guy made a shaky phone-cam tutorial and posted it to YouTube? ALL OF THEM. I am so grateful.)

Even after I realized the wave of useful how-to’s had caught up with me, I told stories all of the time. I believed so strongly, and still do, in the power of an authentic story. I recently went back and re-read all of the archives of this website–which, as far as existential crises go, I do not recommend re-reading 16 years of your life in one sitting– but I will say that I fucking love everything I ever wrote in 2013 (and not one of those things was a how-to). I love a lot of other things I wrote, but if there was a year between 2004 and now that I was on point with my storytelling (or maybe just genuinely delighted with my life?), that would be the one.

Recently though– and this will come as no surprise to anyone who has been checking this site, wondering what I’m up to– not so much. Which is weird because I’ve actually been writing a fair amount. Writing. Re-writing. Thinking a lot about the things I’ve written, and then never hitting the publish button.

I spent at least three weeks on this one, and I kind of love the story, but also kind of hate investing more time into a story I can’t seem to tell correctly…

Don’t even talk to me about my Drafts folder right now.

I know everyone wants to hear about the Tiny Angry Badgers. (Spoiler alert: They’re feral cats and resulted in six of the worst weeks of my life, and currently 2 of the best (since Bubs died.) I’ve had three complete emotional breakdowns over them. It has been a roller coaster.)

Here’s the thing… the fundamental parts of me that I’ve shared on this website for years have not changed. I love a challenge (I mean, people used to give me shit for drinking and using power tools, and now my hobbies have escalated into climbing mountains… alone. And even that doesn’t seem challenging enough. So.)

I love tackling projects on my own.. and increasingly feel like a crotchety old man when talking to the youths about how to do so, which I also love. (Let’s be honest, deep down I have always been a crotchety old man inside.)

I still occasionally have wicked building streaks (like all of the spring of 2019) where I have so much fun and so much energy I just can help but want to share it with the world.

I also have stories, like we all do. Stories about how I was bummed my peach trees only produced one whole peach this year (and yet how fucking delicious that one peach was… how much more I appreciated it than the years where those trees gave me ten pounds of fruit.)

Stories about how cool it is that my mom lives on a lake, just a half-mile down the road from me (how much that has increased my quality of life in general, and how good my gardens look because of it), and stories about how hard it is that my mom lives on a lake, just a half-mile down the road from me (because I’m basically a crotchety old man inside… one who doesn’t have a lot of patience sometimes, or a lot of experience navigating shared responsibilities with my mom.)

I have stories about how some of the grapevines have finally established, and stories about how (after all of that work and joy) I harvested a bowl full of grapes and then let them all go to waste in my fridge because I was too busy with work to do anything with them…

I have stories about how I feel I’m not doing right by the farm, because I spend a few of my after-hours hours at the gym instead of at home. Stories about how, at this stage in life, a career can override a lot of your passions (because let’s be honest, unless you’re very, very lucky, a career will pay for far more of your mortgage than passions.) But also stories about how my passions have been the catalyst for some of the best, strongest connections I’ve made with amazing people in my adult life, and how I struggle to make time for them. (Both the passions and the amazing people.)

I have stories about the internet which, through this website, was once one of the best and most energizing parts of me.. and now has now become one of the worst distractors from the things I love to do. I have stories about how building a non-traditional life by myself–without compromise–has been one of the best decisions of my life. And I have stories about how I’ve failed. How, because I love the life I’ve built so much, I haven’t taken chances. Stories about how living that non-traditional life has both provided unique opportunities for connecting with people, and also prevented me for connecting with people in the way people who live more traditional lives do.

I spend a lot of time every day looking for the kind of stories that used to inspire me, that I used to feel a connection with, that made me think, “hell yeah, that’s not perfect, but it’s awesome, and it makes me want to do the same.” And I don’t find them. I find a lot of people trying to be “influencers” (I have never hated a word more in my life), a lot of people who have genuine stories to tell who are more worried about the searchability of their blog posts, or the clickbait in their titles.

I mean, seriously? Screw a world in which we cannot say a true thing in a true way because if we tell an authentic story in an authentic way A SEARCH ENGINE MAY NOT FIND IT AND DISTRIBUTE IT TO THE MASSES.

I am, in general, uninspired. (And, if we’re being honest, also jealous of the kids who have found their niche building things and doing what they love on Instagram. I appreciate them, their creativity, their free spirits… but not as much as I’ve appreciated health insurance and a 401k in the past which makes me? Old and lame? Probably.)

I realize this sounds like the the end of this website. And maybe it is? Except I clearly have a lot of stories I’d still like to tell. Things I would still like to share about the farm, and my projects (when I have the time for them.) It’s just that there was time where sharing them on this website made more sense in the world, and in my life, than it does now. And, honestly, I haven’t sorted it out. I don’t even have time to sort it out. I just have time to write half-finished blog posts… to think half-finished thoughts about my current life, but not to share them. (Except this one, which I promised myself I wouldn’t sleep until I published.)

And maybe, maybe telling the truth about all of this will unlock the part of me that just can’t figure out how the hell to tell a good story right now. To share in this new world of sharing. Sometimes just saying “I don’t know” gives you permission to just speak about what you do know, or what you’re questioning, or what you think you know but will probably realize you’re wrong about later, and maybe that’s all I’m asking for.

But in any case… if it takes me a week, or a month, or a year, or ten years to tell my next good story, this sure has been an amazing ride. Not just the sharing in general, but sharing it with all of you. Thank you for being a part of my story.

Kit

#DIYdiva

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