#that + college + im kind of in a block after this ^^“ but hopefully i should be active again soon

[paradigmrust]

Hi everyone, it's been a while but I'm excited to post my full piece for the Toontown Halloween Zine!!!! Please go check out the full zine, everybody put their all into it and did an amazing job :) Happy Halloween! ⚙️🦇

[sophswritingthings]

ruin my life -- chapter 1

| warning(s): light swearing |

| a/n: modern mizu had such a grip on me, and now were here. |

| summary: an overlook into mizu's life before you enter it. |

| song rec: ruin my life -- zolita (for the story, in general) |

| word count: 776 words / 4,211 characters |

______________________________________________________________

mizu always kept to herself, she was never the loud type. always played a background role, even if people thought she should be in the spotlight.

never had she believed that before she met eiji.

eiji was an alumni at her school.. one of the many famous actors the school had produced. the amount of actors they had produced is why she really wanted to go to the school, in the first place.

and meeting him kind of changed her whole perception of her own talent, of her own mind. if someone who was so great could tell her all these great things about herself, they were true, surely.

"listen here, kid, nobody ever did anything by sitting on their ass and never getting anything done," he furrowed his eyebrows as they walked side by side, through the halls of the marbled school. "I know that better than anyone. you remind me of myself, when I went here."

she arched one eyebrow, "how come? im.. nothing like you, I mean.. you're this great actor and im just.. a college student who can barley pay their own tuition."

he gently gripped her shoulder, nodding, "exactly. do you think I was some great guy while I was in college? I didn't come from riches, kid, I could barley pay for this college when I was your age."

she adverted her gaze, a little sigh leaving her lips, "suppose that's true," mizu mumbled.

"and ive heard you do fencing," he tapped his cane against the ground, "as did i."

"oh--yeah. yeah, I know," a small smile crossed her lips. "its part of the reason I wanted to start. sort of, I guess."

"its a noble practice," he nodded, smiling a bit. "may I request to meet you, again, mizu? after your classes, tomorrow."

her eyes widened, gazing at him. someone as great as him, wanted anything to do with them?

"um, uh, yes." she stammered, "I'll meet you here."

and from then on, that's what they'd do. hours turned into days, and days turned into weeks that she would meet eiji for both fencing practice, and acting/college advice.

eiji was basically the father she had never had, someone to inspire her, push her forward.

her college life had improved, a little. not by much, but a little. she still lived in a small-ass college dorm with three other girls, sharing two sets of bunk beds in the room the size of a walk in closet.

"mizu? hey?" one of the girls, carrie, seemed to take an interest in her early. and of course, she had settled on the top bunk of mizu's bed. the girl popped down, swinging her head over mizu's bed. "you doin' anything tomorrow? me and some friends were going out and--"

mizu's head had almost immediately blocked out any word she said. she didn't want anything to do with this girl, nor what she was offering. she seemed to be the kind of girl to cling and never leave, and she was not about that. she'd come home crying over some new girl every week, she could guess, crying that they said she was "too clingy".

"uh--yeah. im working," mizu hissed, never looking up from her phone.

that wasn't a lie, actually, she had work at her average pay job as a barista. she had been working there ever since she got accepted into the college, how else would she pa her tuition?

not that it helped, much, it wasn't the best pay ever. and her tuition was more than 50,000 dollars a year--she was going to be in debt for more days than she thought she could count. but if she managed (and hopefully she would, with eijis help) to get a good gig, or few, she could pay it off in no time.

the coffee shop wasn't too bad, though. customers were usually quiet, besides the few that would come in every so often. she'd get okay tips, considering she tried to be as respectful as she could.

she had her friends. none of which attended the same school--they all had different majors. whom she considered her best friend, akemi, was in harvard law school miles away from them. taigen had gotten into law school, too, just not the same. (he definitely wasn't smart enough for harvard, that's for sure.) and ringo, the sweet culinary major she'd met going out for drinks, one night, with akemi. he was a mixologist, and despite his lack of hands--he was a wonderful one.

her life was calm. her life was quiet.

there was never anything absolutely interesting, about it.

that was--until you walked into it.

______________________________________________________________

[mimimangos]

I have about 5 weeks starting tomorrow until my first class in january. I still have projects i want to finish, tons of appointments i procrastinated, and things to study.

Im taking calc based physics (required course) but i havent taken calc in like 3 years, probably barely passing with a D, and havent taken physics since senior year of high school. Im gonna study both calc and physics so im not completely and utterly lost when class starts.

I want to get my portfolio website up and running. Im also studying reactjs to implement in new projects (BHM timeline website, clothes planner) and retrofit in some old ones (studyTime, portfolio maybe). Im taking a web engineering course and i think a segment of that will be learning react, so hopefully i'll be ahead of the game on that.

im trying to implement some kind of time management system since it is VERY easy for me to squander days away. Weeks away, even.

Im going to be planning and time blocking the next 5 weeks with everything i want to get done. I want to find my own system that works for me, and have it down pat before the semester starts. This will also hopefully be good "exercise" for me to get back in the swing of having a schedule and forcing myself to focus on work, after having a year an a half of no strict schedule and not much work.

so the things i want to work on for the next 5 weeks are:

Study College Calculus AB/BC and College Physics 1 & 2 on Khan Academy, maybe even precalc

study and implement react into some easy starter projects, probably a to-do list, then something a bit bigger to add to my resume

practice hackerrank, study data structures and algos

finishing touches on my portfolio website, then figure out the hosting situation

continue applying to internships for summer, maybe for fall

[navajja]

Hi! I just found an older comic of yours about younger erasermic? I was curious if we could know what happens storywise if it's cool to ask?

IM SORRY FOR JUST STOPPING DRAWING THAT. My mood changed and i also ran into some kind of block with it, but i still want to return to it some day! Hopefully!

Well uh- the story itself doesn't has an end? My friend and i made a very long au since erasermic meet till the present day (the start of bnha). I could explain some stuff to make it more understandable i guess.

The story starts when Mic runs into Erasers after years of not seen eachothers (i keep using that plot im so sorry) why are they separated? Mic thinks it is because eraser didn't has the balls to break up with him, but it is different. On this au Oboro dies/disappears after graduation, a couple months after, and with that eraser can't seem to find peace, he was meant to move in with mic but instead he went into finding clues about Oboro's death (i cant remember anything about this plot line in the manga im so sorry again) he never finds anything and instead becomes a full time hero.

Becoming a full time hero means he is homeless and unhealthy. Genuinely all he does is fighting crime and not asking for money in return. He thinks that breaking all of his bonds with people would save them and him the sadness of losing a loved one in the field. He goes completely underground, and for a while mic thinks he is death. He has no rutine, stays awake day and night, he started losing track of time, and once he sees mic on that fast food restaurant, he follows him like a missing dog, and once he sees himself on the mirror he feels like waking up, and finally catches up where he is and what he is doing.

Mic also, lives in a tiny student apartment, he gets his pro hero money but he spents it all paying college, he getting a journalism mayor (necessary to work at a radio station) he hates studying with his swore enemies, he also got a non-payment job at a radio station. The guy is ALSO at the verge of breaking down. He also has a not so nice boyfriend he kinda forgets about once eraser shows up.

This is meant to be a journey into healing by letting others worry about you, taking care of eachothers and making up for your mistakes.

[mochiwrites]

A bit late cause im a bit busy with college today wjdjjj

But hey mochi, i feel ya on that part. I have been so stressed out with work here too that I haven't written stuff for like,,,,a few days. Heck, i even stopped drawing bc im so stressed and stuck.

But i know, like always, this is just stress catching up on us. all i can give advice to is to take it easy. Yes it sucks we can't do shit we rlly passionate about, but rn we are bricked/blocked bc of smth irl. And thats fine!! Take a break, do smth different, let ur mind rest for a bit. After getting some kind of refresher, that's when u can pick things back up!

Im picking my stuff up slowly myself, slowly getting back to the groove of writing and drawing. All in all, just take it easy m8 ^^

- purp anon

ueueueue ty 🥺

I’m like 99.9% sure the writer’s block is because of how stressed I am with college, so I’m trying to take a step back and not write anything big until I’m on break (after all I’ve got plans for the one year anniversary of amor lunae <3)

but god yeah it sucks that when irl shit gets super stressful the first thing to go is the ability to do something we’re passionate about. but I’ll be done with this semester next friday so!! hopefully my creative ability will come back full force

[mysticmeadowscamp]

FAQ

Important anouncement!!

In the near future this characters will become fully original! But for now we're merely switching the names every now and then to slowly get used to them

You can still call them by their old names, but im writing the changes so people wont be confused!

Dee -> Dee (but now hes ok with everyone calling him by his full name "Amadeus")

Vee -> Vee

Roman -> Florian

Remus -> Cadmus

Patton -> Lawrence (legal name [NOT a deadname]) / Achilles (chosen name)

Logan -> Nate/Nathan

---------------

Welcome to the Campfire AU! This blog gets lots of asks everyday so it can be kind of hard to find the basics of everything. So hopefully this can answer your questions if you’re new to the blog! 

 The AU doesn’t really have a plot. Just the sides being teens dealing with everyday stuff. The reason of why it’s called Campfire AU it’s because it all started with a comic where they went camping, but in all honestly it isnt even about camping at this point. Whoops!

(I have a in-character blog for Vee! Just for the fun of it lmao its @littlemothsandtinyvees )

What’s the AU about?

Are there any ships?

 This AU is 100% platonic! Many people get confused mainly because Dee and Remus are usually kinda flirty with each other. But they’re literally just messing around. Although, Vee and Logan get together in college (If this ship makes you uncomfortable, you can block the ‘’cf!analogical’’ tag!). But besides that, nothing else.

Is Thomas/Remy/Emile/etc in this AU?

 Yes, but actually no.

 Thomas and his crew are in this AU. BUT!!!! They have a very small, unsignificant role. Kind of like a cameo. They’re some cool yet scary looking monsters that appear on Vee's dreams. Vee also has a bat plushie named Count Joan.

 And Remy and Emile are Patton’s super cool toads. They just vibe.

What are the characters in the AU?

 Primary characters: Patton, Roman, Logan, Virgil, Janus (who still goes by Dee), and Remus.

 Secondary characters: King Creativity (Romulus), The Dragon Witch (DW), Annika (Vee’s biological mom), Celeste (Dee’s biological mom), and Mama and Papa Ruiz (Roman, Remus, and Romulus’ parents), Azariah, Nona, and Poppy (Dee and Remus' group of friends at school)

We dont really talk that much about Logan’s parents nor Patton’s dad, but they’re still there.

Blog’s ‘’Inside Jokes’’

The blog has some inside jokes that newcomers usually dont understand because they’re so bizarre and out of context, so here’s a quick guide. Beware, these are very dumb. I would like to apologize in advance:

The Jirt Dar: Its a jar full of dirt that Vee carries around and makes their friends put their hands inside of it if they catch them swearing.

The Sock Shirt: Remus owns a plain white shirt with the word ‘’sock’’ handwritten. That’s it. I have no idea why people find that hilarious.

Boneless Logan: Logan once had this theory that since he had never broken any bones in the past, he was, in fact, boneless. And still claims it to this day. Before you ask, no. He’s not serious about believing that, he just claims it to annoy or make people laugh. Has he ever broke a bone after that claim? Yes, he has.

‘‘Addy’‘: ‘’Addy’‘ is a nickname Vee has for Dee and it immediately triggers his Big Brother Mode because Vee only calls him that in scenarios when they’re sad, sick, etc.

‘‘Patton with an E‘‘:  When Vee and Patton first met, Patton had pointed out their last names where the same, except his had an ‘e’ at the end, and Vee thought it was pretty funny. Nowadays Patton sometimes introduces himself as ‘‘Patton with an E’‘ only to make Vee chuckle.

About OP

Hello! My name is Hay/Danny/OP i really dont mind how you refer to me as. I decided to make a little about me because I feel like I should set some boundaries for the sake of my mental health, basically some "please do not do this" because theyre personally triggering for me or make me uncomfortable.

Please never send asks talking about weight. Its a super triggering subject for me. Im fine if its asks like "Oh everyone lifts (X character) up a lot cause theyre very light" but thats it

Please dont vent in the asks, I have no idea what to do to help and as very empathetic person it stresses me out not being able to help. I am not a therapist

*Sometimes food is a subject that makes me extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes. What im trying to say is that you can send food related asks but if i dont answer it, its because at that moment food is a big no for me. I'll try my best to remember to give a heads up

(* Its totally okay if the subject is only passing. Its if the ask is focused on food what makes me extremely uncomfortable)

(Primary) Characters basic information (full name, age, height, etc)

● Janus Amadeus “Dee” Callaghan

 18 years old // 5'10 // Agender/Bisexual // he/him (but doesnt care about pronouns at all)

●Virgil (Vee) Harper Storm

 15 years old // 4'9 // Non Binary/Queer/Asexual // they/them (They’re chill with any pronouns though)

*Important Fact: Vee is autistic

●Patton Jonathan Storme

 16 years old // 5'8 // Demiboy/Homosexual // he/him and xe/xem

●Logan Keith Rowell

 16 years old // 5'5 // Questioning // he/him

●Roman Florian Flynn Ruiz

 18 years old // 5'11 // Transgender/Aromantic // he/him

●Remus Amadeus Ruiz

 18 years old // 6'2 // Transgender/Homosexual // he/him

Character’s specifics

(Before we start, I’d like to mention that the sides are quite further away from canon. Its called an AU for a reason, if you dont like how they’re portrayed, that’s fine, but please do not complain because, again, its an AU for a reason.) 

Patton: Patton is a complicated character. Let’s say hes bittersweet.

Pat has a very complicated relationship with his family, which would be the main reason of his anger issues and poor self esteem. He doesnt have any siblings and his mother left when he was around 9 years old. Leaving him only with his dad. Who is currently the Mayor. As time passed by, Patton as his dad started becoming extremely distant. Patton tried to fix his relationship with his father for a very good while. But nothing seemed to work, so he gave up and nowadays avoids him as much as he can.

At school Patton puts on this happy-go-lucky facade and hes known for being a very sweet and happy guy. Mainly because hes ashamed of the fact that hes, in his words, “an angry person.”

So he tries to come up with a friendly “mask”. Colorful clothes, and round glasses. Because colorful and round things come out as friendly, right?

Patton rarely wears black, unless it something like jeans or shoes. The thought of wearing all black will never cross his mind because hes so desperate to try and come off as a friendly guy.

But with his friends is a whole different story, Patton allows himself to be “his true self”, he allows himself to be mad at some things, he stops repressing the “ugly feelings”, he actually swears, and plays around in a more “rough” way in general. All in good terms, it will never be his intention to hurt his friends.

Facts:

Sophomore in highscool

Vee's best friend. They met each other in 7th grade because Vee was new in school.

He’s on the cheerleading team. Meaning that he’s quite strong, agile, and even flexible. Emphasis on strong. He once broke a guy’s nose because he was harrassing a girl.

Has been doing gymnastics since he was very little

He’s pescetarian. He strongly avoids meat, but still eats fish.

Absolutely loves horror movies, especially old ones. (His all time favorite is Halloween)

Actually has better grades than Logan. He’s a straight A student. Focuses too much on his grades because he wants to get a full scholarship for college.

Ends up majoring in law once he gets to college

Vee: Vee is a rather hyperactive person, and is very into mysterious subjects, such as cryptids, the paranormal, you get the vibe. They aren’t really that anxious, but the anxiety is still there. Especially when it’s about people they don’t know. Once they warm up to you, they barey shut up.

Vee still has some anxiety issues because they were bullied from 3rd grade to 6th grade and never said a word to anyone. Whenever their mom picked them up she’d always notice how sad they looked, sometimes even with puffy eyes from crying. But no matter how hard she tried, Vee would never tell her anything out of pure fear they’d get in trouble. The moment Vee admitted everything, she immediately changed them from that school.

On 7th grade they met Patton, and he was pretty much the one who managed to make Vee come out of their shell, he never forced them to do something they didn’t want to, but he slowly started to introduce them into doing new things that Vee once considered scary.

Vee had made huge progress regarding their self esteem thanks to Pat. And they are now trying to make the exact same thing for Patton.

Facts:

Sophomore in highscool

Patton’s best friend

Dee’s little (step) sibling

Theirs and Dee’s moms were best friends in college (Dee’s dad was also Annika’s childhood friend). So these two have known each other since Vee was born. When they were 11-12 years old, their and Dee’s moms got married.

Even before that, Vee always saw Dee as a big brother.

They keep a dream journal. But if you happen to read it, you’ll realize that what’s written are not dreams, but nightmares. There are some drawings of monsters in some pages, even.

They says that they’re not  scared of most of them, though. That they’re used to it.

Ends up majoring in digital animation

Dee: He’s the most calm guy in the whole group. Usually the leader, even. He’s either a very responsible big brother with Vee or an absolute chaotic teenager with Remus. There’s no in between.

Dee has a really hard time trusting people, the only people he genuinely trusts are Remus, Vee, and his moms (Roman, Patton, and Logan are there too, but not as much as the ones mentioned.)

Dee’s parents got divorced when he was around 8. And his and Vee's moms got married when he was 14-15 years old. To this day his relationship with his dad is kind of complicated. He doesnt hate him, but he’s not quite sure how to feel about him. He calls every now and then to check up on him, and he appreciates it, but those calls usually end up with Dee feeling sort of awkward afterwards.

There isn’t much to say about him, mostly because hes very reserved with pretty much everyone. But hey, between us? Hes has a very soft spot for Vee 

Facts:

Senior in highschool

Vee’s big (step) brother

Remus’ best friend. They met in 3rd grade and have been inseparable ever since.

The scar around his eye is a burn scar from hot water when he was little (7-9 y/o), and the one on his cheek happened because him and Remus were playing with a knife when they were 14-15.

He knows how to drive, but usually Remus is the one who always does do.

Is on the theatre club. Both as a techie and as an actor

He’s 100% sure that he’s  bisexual. But the fact that he has such a hard time trusting people makes it hard for him to imagine himself in a relationship.

Ends up going to college for around two years before he decides to drop out.

Remus: He’s your local hyperactive guy that lives for that sweet, sweet adrenaline. He’s always looking for reckless things to do and he ALWAYS drags Dee to them (not like he minds). But he’s also a very loyal friend, especially to Dee. If he asked Remus for a favor he’d be 100% willing to do ANYTHING without doubts. He’s also highly protective over Vee, Patton, and Logan because theyre the youngest of the group.

His and Roman’s relationship went from horrible to amazing. Him and Roman absolutely despised each other when they were little, if they were put in the same room, 99% of the time they’d end up fighting, as time went by, they started to avoid each other as much as possible, then they kind of tolerated each other, but still never spent much time together. When Remus found Roman chopping his hair off while bawling his eyes out at 2 in the morning, their relationship definitely started to change for the best.

Facts:

Senior in highschool

Roman’s twin, Romulus’ little brother

Dee’s best friend

The scar near his chin is because him and Dee were playing with a knife and both of them got a cut. They called them their “Friendship scars”

Spanish is his first language. But mainly speaks it at family runions, sometimes with his parents, but never with Roman and/or Romulus

Is on the volleyball team

Got top surgery, but doesnt want bottom surgery.

Ends up majoring in mortuary science

Roman: He’s the kindest and sweetest guy in the group. Hes always willing to help and listen to whoever needs it. He’s actually quite popular at school because of the fact that hes so kind. A ray of sunshine. Roman had a very hard time for a good while, but it all crumbled down on him on his freshman year. He felt super lonely, was absolutely lost with who he was as a person and had no idea who he wanted to be, what he wanted to do with his life, etc. He struggled with school and his grades dropped horribly because he had so much in his mind. No matter how hard he tried to concentrate, he just couldnt focus in school. He ended up repeating the year.

Like it was mentioned before, his relationship with Remus went from horrible to amazing. Unfortunately for them, because of this, they barely have childhood memories to look back to. But now they’re trying their best to make up for it. Roman would say that his and Remus relationship got better when Roman repeated his freshman year; Remus apologized to him for a straight hour because he admitted to notice Roman having a hard time, but decided to ignore it because he was “too damn prideful”. After that, little by little, they became closer.

Facts:

Junior in highschool

Remus’ twin. Romulus’ little brother

Logan’s best friend. They met on freshman year (the one that Ro had to re-take)

Spanish is his first language.But mainly speaks it at family runions, sometimes with his parents, but never with Remus and/or Romulus

Is on theatre club. But to contrary belief, he barely takes leading roles.

He absolutely loves to hear Vee ramble about what they enjoy. His grandma used to tell him about the fae folk when he was younger. So unlike everyone in the group, he absolutely understands what Vee is talking about and they can chat for hours about it

Hasn’t had any surgery yet. But wants both top and bottom surgery.

Doesn’t end up going to college, and instead works at his mom’s flower shop alongside Dee

Logan: First things first, while Logan is smart, he isn’t super smart, at least not academically speaking. He has really good grades, but he isn’t a straight A student. People tend to assume he’s a gifted student because of the fact that he skipped a year. But in reality that only happened because he had an advanced reading and writting comprehension so they made him skip first grade.

Logan used to be quite a loner when he was younger, and he was way too serious and cold because of it. When he met Roman, Logan realized that he was actually unhappy back then, and little by little he started to losen up more, joking around and not really minding what people think of it. Now look at him! He’s absolutely chaotic and his favorite hobby is annoying Patton (in a loving way, dont worry.). He still has a somewhat ‘’smart kid’’ reputation at school, but those people in his class are aware that he jokes around every now and then and is actually super chill. He’s known for either fixing people’s laptops/cellphones/tablets or because he can write your essays. He definitely makes money out of both of these things. Unless you’re his friend, he’ll do it for free

 Lo’s parents work a lot and travel every now and then because of it. So they are barely home. But they still talk and text quite often. If his parents happen to be travelling, they videochat. But because of this Logan is most of the time alone at home and learned to be VERY independent. Not like he brags about it, but hes kind of proud of it.

Because of his parents always being away, and the fact that Logan is an only child and never had any friends growing up, he learned to do many things in an attempt to fight the boredom, some of those things are cooking, fixing his own laptop, crafts (im talking about, cosplay worthy crafts), origami, among other things.

Facts:

Junior in highschool

Roman’s best friend

He has a job at a videogame store

Yes, he also loves videogames way too much. Sometimes he messes his sleep schedule because he stays up late playing (usually with Patton)

Plays guitar. Learned how to do so one time he was burned out, and his dad suggested he learned something entirely knew, like playing an instrument. Nowadays he really enjoys it and plays very often.

He could learn how to drive. But he 100% prefers using his bike

He actually despises school and complains about it and about how flawed the educational system is on a daily basis

Ends up making a very last minute decision and going to an art school to study music composition instead of economics

PHEW. That was quite a lot. Anyways, if you got to the end of the page, congrats! If you feel like something should be added please do let me know!!

 Welcome to the Campfire AU, where the campfire is mostly ours rather than theirs

[hufflautia]

A Hidden Darkness

A/N: I wish I had thought of this idea in time for Halloween.

Warnings: This story is a little creepy and has something to do with the supernatural. If you are not comfortable with that kind of stuff, avoid this fic. 

Dedicated to @sophiexteresa; thank you for helping me out with British slang :’) 

Summary: Slytherin notices that Hufflepuff is acting strange...a little too strange. 

Boom!

Ravenclaw immediately drew back from the table, laughing as he pointed at Slytherin; the mini-explosion singed the edges of his hair. 

“Bloody hell,” Slytherin grumbled, gingerly rubbing his slightly-burned face. “This game is a load of bollocks.” 

He raised an eyebrow as he gathered the remaining cards. “Mate, you were the one who wanted to play Exploding Snap.” 

“Yeah, because I wanted the cards to explode in your face.” 

Ravenclaw rolled his eyes and grabbed a handful of popcorn, chucking it at him. 

Slytherin managed to block the attack with his hand, but some landed on his shoulder. As he brushed the popcorn off, he suddenly felt something prodding at the back of his neck. It felt like someone was...sniffing his hair? 

He turned around and saw Hufflepuff standing there, her face so close to his that he could feel her breath. “Hey,” he smiled, not registering the fact that it was likely she who just sniffed him. “Alright?” 

Hufflepuff gave him a blinding smile and grabbed his hand. “I need you,” she replied, tugging him out of his chair. 

“But I’m—” 

“Playing cards with Ravenclaw? You can do that later.” 

As she led him out of the Great Hall, Slytherin wondered how she knew what he was gonna say. He brushed it off quickly; she could clearly see what they were doing. However, something was definitely strange about her. Hufflepuff would usually greet Ravenclaw kindly if she saw him, but she barely spared him a second glance. 

Hufflepuff came to a stop after they passed through the entrance of the Great Hall and turned to face him. “I need to ask you something.” 

“Why couldn’t you just ask me before?” 

“Because Ravenclaw was there.” 

He frowned and said, “But you’ve never had a problem with him before.” 

She made a face at him. “He’s an ickle know-it-all. Should’ve socked him in the face, I should.” 

He was taken aback—Hufflepuff never behaved like this. She was always sweet and kind, but she was the complete opposite now. 

“What’s up with you,” he asked. “You’re acting like a completely different person. And ickle? You’ve never said that before.” 

She glared at him. “People change, Slytherin. Besides, I didn’t bring you out there just for you to berate me.” Her tone was calm, but Slytherin could sense the repressed hostility hidden beneath her words. 

She seemed to realize that he was staring at her strangely because, in the next moment, she suddenly straightened up and smiled at him widely. "But no reason to fuss about it any longer," she cooed in an oily voice, pinching his cheek. "You're here now, and that's all that matters." 

Slytherin studied her face and immediately picked up on the fact that her smile was forced. "Right then," he said slowly, still put off by her demeanor. "What was it you wanted to ask?" 

Her expression immediately darkened, and she stepped forward. He fought the urge to take a step back. What was going on with him? This was his girlfriend he was dealing with. She never meant any harm...so why did he feel so uneasy? Her next words sent chills down his spine. 

"Would you be able to tell if someone—no, if something were to possess my body?" 

Slytherin stared at her, hoping that she would crack a smile and burst out laughing, saying that it was just a prank and she successfully fooled him. 

However, she did no such thing. Instead, she stared at him with those dark eyes that he usually found endearing, but there was a coldness to them. An emptiness. 

"I..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say. What could he say? A feeling of discomfort festered within him, and he spoke again. “Uh, maybe? I think it'd be obvious if you started climbing on the walls or something.” 

Nodding, Hufflepuff seemed to mull over his answer before her face broke into a huge smile. “Alrighty then.” She suddenly plucked a piece of popcorn that had been lying in the collar of his shirt and popped it in her mouth. “Can I watch you play Exploding Snap with Ravenclunk?”  

“I thought you didn’t like Ravenclunk.” 

“I wanna see the cards explode in his face,” she shrugged. 

Slytherin hummed a laugh, momentarily forgetting how unusual she was acting, and began leading her back into the Great Hall. He felt a tug at his hand and turned back, only for Hufflepuff to smash her face onto his. 

The kiss was rough and sloppy, an alarming contrast to how they normally kissed. Drawing his bottom lip between her teeth, she bit down hard enough to make him pull away abruptly. He gingerly touched his lip and found his fingers to be stained with blood. He looked back up at her, shocked.  

A bit of his blood smeared across her teeth, she smiled coyly. “Sorry,” she said, not sounding sorry in the slightest bit. “You know I get carried away sometimes…” 

Slytherin didn’t respond and simply stood there like a statue, face awash with horror as he stared at her. 

“I’ve gotta go now. I have lots to do today.” With that, she ambled away, leaving Slytherin standing there and looking as if he had just seen a ghost. 

Hufflepuff wandered through the corridors, letting her hands brush against the cobblestone wall as she inhaled the sweet smell drifting from the Kitchens.  

I have to admit, the voice cackled. This is quite luxurious. It’s interesting to be human for once. Smell, taste, touch. I have much to explore.   

Please, Hufflepuff begged, trapped within the confines of her body against her own will. Let me go! 

Peeves laughed gleefully inside her mind. 

But I’m having so much fun.

FIN.

~

Check out my masterlist! | Kind comments and reblogs are most appreciated :)

Author’s note: 

This may be my least favorite fic out of all that I have written. Last night, when I was writing it, I didn’t feel happy and a part of me wanted to discard what I wrote so far because I was like “jessica this is so dumb” but I didn’t wanna throw out what I wrote so far. I’m not even sure if Peeves is able to possess someone’s body, and after I finished writing, I thought “well what if I keep it ambiguous and it’s just some random demon?”. However, I had done some research on how Peeves talks, hence the “ickly”, and I didn’t wanna take out the hints of Hufflepuff not really being Hufflepuff. In addition, it doesn’t seem very hogwarts-like or harry potter related if it were just a random demon. That’s why I thought Filch to be the best option. I thought of this idea yesterday when my sister was acting creepy while we were in the bathroom in the morning. I was brushing my teeth and she was on the toilet, and she straightup looked at me with dead eyes and asked “Would you be able to tell if a demon possessed me?” and I was like

She was twitching and everything, and as I was walking out of the bathroom, she came up right behind me and SNIFFED MY HAIR. Yea, so that was my inspiration for this fic. My initial idea for the ending was that as Hufflepuff walks back with Slytherin to the table, her eyes glow a little and she smiles wickedly. However, I was like hmmmm what if she bits his lips and he bleeds a little?.. Yea, don’t ask me why I thought that. I don’t think I would ever write a fic that includes that bit because slytherpuff doesn’t have that rough-love type of vibe, so I just thought, oh whatever might as well do that now when I have the chance.  

In other news, happy March! This is gonna be the month in which I get the rest of my college results and I am a little nervous. Also, I’m going to go on a hiatus because I feel myself going down a spiral right now and it’s likely because my period is coming😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀What fun, am I right??? I get bad PMS, so I’m just gonna leave and focus on my own wellbeing for some time because I tend to get depressed during my period. I might write a bunch of stories and then come out from the dark and then post consistently. I think I am kind of posting consistently already; I have never posted as many fics as I had in February, which is interesting and hopefully not a once-in-a-lifetime thing because I’m done with the college process but now I also have to deal with my own issues in terms of mental health and stuff. It sucks but I will get better. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this fic. Let me know what you think! 

Tags: slytherpuff-shenanigans @axieleration @sunnniiee @just--another--bean​ @determinedpines @zenobiagrace @asterinflower @cinnamon-roll-unicorn @mossy-axolotl @dumbbitch11 @hitchhiker-of-the-galaxy @notsowiseravenclaw  @arianatorpotterhead @eatacrackerandstop @luciferswife16 @walkinganomaly @asunshinepuff @lewispoolerpayton @adreameratdawn @thewitcheswords @oncergleekpotterhead @princessstoopid @stardustzainy @flvrqnce @multi-fandom-nutjob @eunnieah @iamahufflepuff @1hufflepuff @introvertedrae @princessstoopid @jasminedayz @magnoliamermaid @HOPEFUL-HUFFLEPUFF-PEEVES @peanut-in-the-goal @pufflehuff929 @sophiexteresa @da-fox-rangerrr @dawinehouse @shipping-book-keeper @xxavaloraxx @silverhetdanes @im-a-solanum-lycopersicum @elegantcroissantplaidpony @theoriginaljohnwatsonsblog @theoriginalsherlockholmesblog @vickeyunicorn @arianatorpotterhead @hmilkwhoney @simpering-simpleton @grandcyclecreation @sweetinvisiblewriter @marvelenthusiast10 @mvlpksvthisht @qiaopa @beardedhumanoid @jadefox05 @justanotherperson @inkedintothepaper @minty-malfoy @trippy-morgan @fangirlgeekandfreak @boilyourteeth @absentmindeduniverse @colettedelaurel @halfelven1 @happy-puff @coloring-bud @in-love-with-remus-lupin @autumnpleaves @crakencc @flyme--tothemoon @hedgepuffgirl @littleemotionalpanda @pancakes-and-sugar @korra4321 @aquietkindofthunder @qixnsriess @porksoba @thatfann @hellounicorn @i-have-a-bad-feeling @aasa2102 @zuko-28 @annie-mcl @clementines-x @writtenfoxscreams @randomwriter23 @cryingabtwandavision @coolninjavoid @urfaveslytherin @malfoys-demigod @tumlbr-trasher @violayaxley @wolfpack-arts-industries99 @zainieees-stuff @milk-leaves @priii @capt-sparrow @blueberry-9-pancakes @stressy-depressy   

[random-mha-thoughts]

Bad Boy (Todoroki x Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki x Reader

Genre: Angst to fluff, and a lil spice ;), No quirk!AU

Summary: You finally get to see your childhood friend Shouto after years of being separated only to find out he’s completely changed.

BGM: “Younger” by Ruel

Word count: 2,781

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ @bunnythepipsqueak​

a/n: God this photo fucked me up good when I first saw it.

I saw this picture on my search for images for my last Todo post aaaaand yeah, pretty self explanatory. I got to thinking, what if this poor baby finally snapped one day and was like "FUCK ENDEAVOR AND HIS ENTIRE PROGRAM, IM NOBODY'S MASTERPIECE" and he went the complete opposite direction. So enjoy a little bit of OOC Todoroki and a bit of a longer post than my usual stuff!

I’m really really sorry about not updating in the past few days.  I was really swamped by college work and studying, and I was mentally exhausted and physically tired every day.  Today wasn’t my day and I almost had a breakdown because a lot of things piled up in me, but I had to pull myself together somehow.  Hopefully, after this week, I’ll go back to a somewhat regular posting schedule.  Thanks for being patient with me guys, I really appreciate it :)

When my mom told me Shouto will be going to the same high school as me, I was expecting the same buttoned-up, shy, good boy from elementary school.  Oh boy, was I wrong.

The boy I bump into in the hallway definitely looks like Shouto, but the only thing that's the same is his mismatched hair and eyes.  Everything else about him was much different.  His entire energy was different, even from the fraction of a second I focused on his face.

"Shouto?" I call when he's about to brush past me.

I don't think he's expecting someone to know him on the first day, pausing and looking down curiously.

The most shocking feature of all is the scar on his left side, a red blotch that covers the left side of his face, starkly contrasting his brilliant turquoise eye; a single ray of light in a scarlet sky.

As I'm gaping at the puckered skin, his eyebrows furrowing at my face as recognition slowly dawns on him.  "(Y/n)?"

I'm relieved that he at least remembers me.  "Yeah, hey."  I don't really know what to do now.  My first instinct is to hug him, but something tells me he isn't a fan of that sort of thing anymore.  There's a coldness between us that's thick as a knife.  "How have you been?"

"Fine," he answers curtly.  His hands are stuffed into his pockets, leaning back in a way that seems uncharacteristic of him and more like a ruffian.

Does his not want to talk to me?  I don't blame him, I haven't been in his life for a good eight years.  "How are your parents?"

His jaw clenches.  "Fine."

Oh.  I struck a nerve.  "Do you wanna catch up at lunch?  What class are you in?"

"1-A."  Overjoyed that we share the same class, I'm about to open my mouth, but he interjects, "But I don't think we should talk."  That was the last thing he said before he strolls past me.

I'm stunned, following his receding back through the sea of students.  I guess I shouldn't have brought up his parents when I know it's a sensitive topic, but I didn't know what else to say.  And it's probably awkward to see someone you used to be close to talk to you again, but the least he could've been is polite.  That's saying something, because Shouto was always the polite child.

Something is terribly wrong here.

Shouto has definitely changed since we were younger.  He's become a delinquent.

He never even shows up to class.  After our little encounter, he was slumped in his seat until the teacher finished role call, then he just got up and walked out in the middle of class and never came back.  In all the days after that, his seat remained empty even at the beginning of the day.

At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  What if he happened to get sick and had to stay home?  Then I saw his signature mismatched tuft of hair walking back home in the school yard, and I knew he was skipping.

After a whole two weeks passed of him skipping, I had enough.  The Shouto I know would never cut class even if his life depended on it.  During lunch, I went looking for him in the group of other delinquent kids in the back of the school.

"Todoroki?" the ash-blond ringleader ruffles his hair and scoffs, "Idiot must be off somewhere by himself like the damn loner he is.  He picked a fight with me and I almost beat his ass into oblivion!"

I ball my fists up, more angry at Shouto than the group of boys eyeing me like a pack of wolves.  "You guys are useless," I mumble, about to turn away from them.

"Aww, is he your boyfriend, sweetie?" the honey blond with a black streak in his hair smoothly wraps an arm around me.  "He probably doesn't care about you, you deserve someone else who'll give you his time."

"Fuck off, who said you can touch me?"  I shove his arm away and step back.

"Calm down there," the red head with sharp teeth taunts with a smirk, "You're getting a bit defensive.  You sure you don't need help looking for your little prince?"

"I'm fine on my own, thanks," I huff, turning around to go look for Shouto elsewhere.

"Maybe I'll come with you," the overly-friendly boy blocks my way again.  "If he's not your boyfriend, maybe we can get together sometime?"

"Not interested.  Out of my way, Pikachu reject."  I try to side-step him, but the leader grabs the back of my collar and whips me around so I'm face to face with his bared teeth.

"You're a bit rude, aren't you?  Should I pull your head out your ass for you?"  His crimson eyes glare his murderous intent into me.

I hold my ground, the anger against my irresponsible friend more powerful than any fear of this hothead possibly hurting me.  "Don't act so tough if your talk is cheap."

He cracks his knuckles without breaking eye contact with me.  "I'll show you cheap talk.  Try waking up next week after I'm done with you!" he snarls.

I mirror his expression.  I don't mind throwing hands at this guy if I have to, blood rushing through me to prepare for the fist fight.  "I dare you-!"

"Enough, (Y/n)."

I can feel his presence right behind me even though he doesn't physically touch me.

Scarlet eyes shift behind me.  "Took you long enough, hot shot.  Your friend has just as much spunk as you, I'll kick both your asses!"

"I'd like to see you try, Bakugou," Shouto responds coldly.  "We both know who'd win."  Keeping his gaze locked on the aggressive male, he harshly grabs my arm and hauls me away.  "Let's go."

I'm fuming with anger when we're back inside the building.  I turn on him when he finally releases me, but he's already starting down the hall.  "Don't walk away from me!  We need to talk!"  I stomp over, following him to an abandoned classroom.  "What the hell is wrong with you?!  First of all, you were a real ass when I talked to you last week.  Second of all, you're not even coming to class like you should.  And now you're already picking fights with that idiot out there?  What's gotten into you Shouto?!"

"You were about to get into a fight as well.  You should thank me," he comments coldly, slipping into a desk with books open on top.

"I could've handled it just fine without you!  The only reason I was even there talking to them was because I was looking for you!"  I hover over him, glaring down so he can tell how angry I am.  "You'e skipped class all week, this isn't like you at all!  How are you supposed to catch-?"

One glance down the the open books shows all the material we've been going over in class.  He's already caught up to today's lesson, writing notes in his book and ignoring my presence.  The entire setup makes me angrier.  "I don't understand you, Shouto.  What kind of act are you trying to pull?  You're not a delinquent, why are you trying to act like one for everyone else?   Or is this all because you're just trying to ignore me?"

His pencil stops moving and it slams down onto the desk.  "A lot happened since you left, (Y/n)," the boy responds.  His quivering voice indicates restriction of intense emotion.

The hurt is apparent across his entire face, calming me down.  My gaze lingers on the left side of his features, over the eye that somehow looks perpetually sad.  "How did you get that scar, Shouto?"

The boy's eyebrows furrow.  "My father never let up on me after you left, and he got worse.  My mother couldn't handle fighting him on her own anymore.  One day, she snapped, told me how unsightly my left side was, and pouring boiling water over my face."  His large hand gingerly covers his reddened skin.  "And my bastard father put her in a mental institution after that.  He did this."

My heart aches for my childhood friend, the boy I took care of and listened to all his problems.  I can't imagine how much pain Rei was going through.  For her to have lost it, she must've held such a heavy burden.  When I had to move away, I felt so guilty about leaving him with all his troubles.  He had no one else to reach out to and it was snatched from him.  There wasn't a day I stopped thinking and worrying over him.  I reach to take his hand and offer comfort.  "Shou-"

Shouto bolts up from his seat, his taller figure hunching over mine, features screwed up in distaste.  "You weren't there when I needed you most."

I'm taken back, hurt more than anything.  "It's not my fault, we were so much younger, I didn't have a choice but to go with my parents."

A dark chuckle erupts from his lips, dismissing my excuses.  "It's fine.  It happened, I've learned to deal with it."

I'm about to blow my top with this kid.  "Yeah, you've dealt really well, haven't you?" I roll my eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

My mouth gapes, letting out a sputtered scoff.  "You're kidding.  Just look at you!  You're pretending to be someone you're not!  You and I both know you were never the bad boy type when we were kids.  You're the slightly awkward, naturally smart, driven, hardworking-"

"I was only those things because my father forced them on me," he passes by me, crossing his arms.  "I don't want to be anything that bastard wants anymore.  And if you can't see that, then we were never friends in the first place."

That's a stab in the chest.  How can he say that we were never friends when we used to do everything together?  A surge of fury rushing through me, I grab his arm to keep him from moving any farther.  "You love watching superhero cartoons, your favorite was All Might.  Sometimes, you're so damn lazy that instead of doing homework when you came home, you would sneak in a nap before your dad came home to see you slacking off.  Your favorite food in the entire world is cold soba.  You don't like extremely sweet desserts.  You've always been insecure about how strange your mismatched hair and eyes look, but I always had to assure you that you're still the most handsome guy in our class."

Shouto halfway turns around to look at me.

"If we weren't friends, why do I know so much about you?"  I take another bold step towards him, softening at the underlying pain etched into his features.  "I know you always hated the way your dad expects so much from you.  The only thing you ever wanted in your childhood was to be normal.  The pressure finally crumbled down on you and your mom, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you through it.  But you shouldn't abandon everything that you are.  You took after your mom more than your dad; you're sometimes a sassy son of a bitch, but you're kind and have a deep respect for people you admire.  You have a natural sense of humor that you don't even know you have.  You care about the people you're close to, you only struggle with communicating how you feel sometimes."

His lips part slightly, processing everything I just showered onto him.  Guilt eventually creeps up on him, choosing to rub the back of his neck.  "You...always did know just what to say."

I smirk and engulf him into my long-awaited hug.  "Who else would put you back in your place?"

His arms hesitantly wrap around my body, the act of sharing body warmth strange yet familiar to him.  It's a small victory, but I'm relieved that we're back on speaking terms.  I'm ready to resume protecting him as I should.

Shouto shifts in our embrace.  "You said...I struggle with telling people how I feel...?" he mumbles sheepishly near my ear.

My boy perks with confusion.  "Yeah, even when we first-"

"Would it suffice if..."

Before I can turn to search his face for what he could be implying, his grip around me loosens as he pulls back to look at me, one of his warm hands resting against my cheek.  His face looms right in front of me, my breath catching in surprise, before he presses his lips to mine softly.  The weightlessness in my stomach is unmistakable.

As quick and unexpected as it came, it also left, Shouto's half lidded gaze resting on me from a small distance away.  All I can do is stare off dazed, still trying to process what just happened.

He leans back against the nearest desk in the front row.  "I guess I should've asked first."  I can see his cheeks and his ears turn almost as flushed as the color of his hair despite his hand covering half his face to hide it.  "But it was the only way I can think to get my point across without stumbling over words."

My heart still flutters trying to recover back to normal, my knees shaking as I lean against the teacher's desk for stability.  I resist the urge to touch my lips like a shocked schoolgirl, but I'm still trying to process the whole thing.  "You know," I cough, "We did already kiss when we were like...five, so this wasn't really our first.  But I don't usually count that-"

The intense color fades from his face almost at once, a darkness creeping into his gaze.  "Then," he pins me back into the desk, hands on both sides of the wood to trap me, "I shouldn't have any qualms about doing it again."

Contrasting from his strong setup, his next kiss is still shy and hesitant.  After exchanging a couple more tentative lip-caresses that still make my head spin, he's gotten his feet wet enough to go harder, establishing a rhythm between us.  As his kisses intensify, his hands reach up to cup both sides of my nape, fingers tangling in my hair desperately and tilting my head up for a better angle.  My own hands grasp the collar of his uniform, pulling him closer into the heat of the moment.

His body pushes me practically into sitting on top of the desk, moving one of his knees between my legs as he lets ones of his hands roam down to grip my waist.  The sudden tug elicits a minute gasp, allowing Shouto to nip at my bottom lip before tugging my head back to trail soft kisses down my jaw.  My fingers thread through his soft locks, letting him massage my neck with his mouth.

"W-Where did you learn all this?" I breathe out unsteadily, my breath refusing to return.

He straightens up and captures my lips in another slow kiss.  "You'll never know."  Another one.  "I've admittedly imagined this for a while."  The next kiss is much deeper, a hum vibrating from his chest as his fingers dig into my side again.  "You're special, so dear."  His mumbles between kisses become more incoherent as his kisses become messy.

"Shouto."  I finally manage to push him away for me to breathe and calm my dizzy head.  Both of us are panting.  His half-lidded eyes and flushed face tempt me, but the fear of someone walking by suddenly alerts in my mind.  "Someone might see us.  Besides, isn't there something you need to say?"

His brow lifts.  "I'm...sorry for being rude to you last week."

"That was needed, too," I chuckle, "But there's something else."

Confusion crosses his features.  "Have I done something else wrong?"

My hands slide down to grip his hands.  "Don't you need to ask me to date you officially?"

The tint of rose on his cheeks intensifies a shade.  "I thought it was clear already..."

Another chuckle bubbles from my lips and I lean up to kiss his warm cheek.  "I'll let it pass because I want to date you too."  His face begins to light up in joy, but I push off from the desk and tow him out of the room.  "But you have to start coming to class again."

Shouto catches up to keep pace with me and presses a kiss to my forehead.  "Done."

"And you need to see a therapist, Mr. Bad Boy."

He breaks out into a smile at that nickname.  "I'll think about it."

[fairy-made]

my software development professor sent out an email like a bunch of yall cheated and used code you found online for this program so come forward by the end of today if you want the consequences to be less severe.

This is long bc Im a bit pissed off and had an experience with shit like this before.

I didnt cheat, she gave us instructions on how to set it up and we had done something similar for the last exam. so I shouldnt have anything to worry about because its not like she asked us to do something completely new that would even warrant needing outside help.

but do you know how stressful it is to be sent this shit as soon as I wake up on what is supposed to be a “break” day before finals. like I KNOW I didnt have to look anywhere else for help because it was pretty straightforward. I know I only used what we were shown in class. but for anybody with fucking anxiety its like, oh god do I have to be prepared to defend myself??? will I get a fucking email a week from now like “you failed and are being expelled bc your work was kinda like theirs lol” 

I mean she said it was very distinct from how we were shown to do it. but what does that mean. if you wrote one line differently youre instantly a cheater?

I hate this. she couldve just emailed the people she thought were responsible. why the fuck would you subject 50 people to this kind of fear if idk like 10 people were responsible.

and then I dont wanna email her and be like “what the FUCK are you talking about” cuz then I might be perceived as one of the guilty people ://////

hopefully I get to tell her to be more direct about this shit in the course evaluation and Im not one of the ppl shes talking about so I get put on the chopping block before the shit would even matter... lmao. 

Ive already been accused of cheating or plagiarism once in another class because I cited a source wrong. instead of citing every sentence I cited the end of the section, and she went on an on in class about how this person was awful and did this intentionally, meanwhile ALL my profs beforehand told me “do not cite every sentence, I want you to show your sources but dont go overboard. if you do I will hit you over the head” and yeah I hate professors bc of shit like this bc for whatever reason were supposed to be citing with different levels of intensity???? and that got me in trouble with the prof who did want you to cite every sentence. what a crock of shit. college is a crock of shit. universities and professors are full of shit.

anyway yeah I think I should just chill bc I didnt cheat and ik I didnt but who the fuck knows. I was chilling in that other class till she was like. YOU. YOU DID THIS. and Im like...... all this.......... was because I cited every 2-3 sentences instead of every 1................................................................. you made it seem like I cited none................at all.........................

I looked today right after she sent this email and theres a chegg question of our assignment, but of course I cant fucking see the solution bc I dont pay for the question/answer homework help service. if it does come down to this I hope to god that will be enough. 

[your-tires-are-too-cold]

one expensive can of easy cheese

crack head hours my kids

also inspired by a hot guy i saw at walgreens today

the walgreens chaos returns

______

ship: ralbert

genre: crackhead angst

words: who knows, not super long

warnings: mentions of a twine kink, easy cheese, concussions, walgreens, race thinks another guy is hot, uhhh, hot men in scrubs, minor bits of violence, new yorkers been new yorkers, albert is a dumbass, race is more of a dumbass

editing: nah

_____

Race was sat on top of the counter in his and Albert’s apartment, a piece of duct tape over his mouth and his hands tied together with kitchen twine. He sighed against his restraints, resigned to watch his boyfriend make their contribution to this year’s Thanksgiving gathering: mac and cheese.

Now, of course everyone and their mother knew that mac and cheese was not a Traditional Thanksgiving Food. But, Albert had won (best out of three) mario kart yesterday so he had gotten to decide what they would bring to Jack’s house. Had Race known that he had been planning to make mac and fucking cheese, maybe he would have tried a little harder.

Apparently, Albert was not pleased with Race’s reaction to his decision to make mac and cheese, and thought that Race might try to get in the way somehow (which he may or may not have fully intended to do). So he did what any loving boyfriend would: sat him on the counter, put duct tape over his mouth and tied his hands together so he wouldn’t interfere.

Race was beginning to wonder why he had agreed to move in with Albert in the first place.

With a violent shake of his head and one final spat, he was able to dislodge the duct tape.

“Albieeeeee,” he whined, laying down on the counter. “Can you pleaaaaaaaseee let me helllllllllp?”

Albert barely glanced up as he pulled the big wooden spoon out of the pot and gave it a thoughtful lick. “Hmmmmmmm. No.”

“But-!” He wriggled around to give Albert his best puppy dog eyes. “Can I make something else then? Ple-OW!” He glared at the spatula that had been hurled at his arm. “You apologize for that!”

“Nah.” He smirked and went back to stirring his wretched pasta. Well, actually Albert’s mac and cheese was quite good. Race was just salty that he was making it for Thanksgiving when it was very well known that he was the chef of the two and Jack was expecting something good not the mac and cheese Albert famously made at 2am in college when they were all high as hell.

“Can you at least untie me then?”

“No.” Albert even bother considering this time.

“Well.” If logic wasn't going to work on Albert he would have to try another method. “I know you know how to make a guy feel good Albie, but I never expected ropes to be a part of it. What’s next? Handcuffs? Whips? Chains?”

In two seconds flat Race was out of his kitchen twine bonds and flexing his sore wrists.

“Man Albie, who knew you had a twine kink.”

“You know,” Albert began loudly, as if thinking that his loudness would cover up his totally obvious twine kink, “if you want to do something that's actually useful, you could go to Walgreens and buy me another can of Easy Cheese.”

“Is that what you put in your fuckin mac and cheese?” Race swore he actually felt bile rise in the back of his throat when Albert nodded. “That’s it. I’m never eating your mac and cheese again.”

“But-!”

“I’ll eat you though,” Race winked, taking a moment to enjoy the startled, yet somehow pleased look on his boyfriend’s face.

“Not until after we’re done at Jack’s.” Albert said only half jokingly as he dug around in his pocket for a second before throwing a crumpled five at Race. “In the meantime though, be gone thot!”

Race barely managed to catch the bill without falling on the floor, but still blew a kiss to Albert before walking out of the apartment.

Who the fuck puts easy cheese in mac and cheese? He wondered for the millionth time as he stomped the three blocks to Walgreens. Albert claimed that he had chosen his apartment for its proximity to the store, but up until today Race had always assumed that he had been joking. The man did make a lot of mac and cheese and if Easy Cheese was an ingredient well….maybe there was some truth to that story after all.

Race pulled open the door to the Walgreens, pausing briefly to wonder why the absolute fuck it was open on literal Thanksgiving before remembering that it was a fucking Walgreens and why wouldn’t it be open to sell his dumbass boyfriend a can of fucking Easy Cheese.

In order to get to the Easy Cheese, or at least he assumed so because he had never bought a can of Easy Cheese in his whole glorious 25 years of life, Race had to walk past the Pharmacy section of the store. And, it just so happened that there was a guy sitting behind the counter at the Pharmacy. A very attractive guy. With a beard. In scrubs.

Now, of course Race loved Albert and nothing would ever change that, but he could appreciate an attractive man when he saw one. He thanked whatever deity was out there for the bit of man candy that he had been granted and went in search of his Easy Cheese.

“Mac and cheese, velveta cheese, microwaveable mac and cheese, where the fuck is the- oh thank fuck there we go.” He pulled a can of Easy Cheese off of the shelf, tossing it once and catching it before turning to go pay for the horrendous product, happy to finally be done with the whole ordeal when-

“Easy cheese? Really?”

Race whirled around to see Mr. Man Candy himself leaning against the opposite shelf. “Wh- who?”

“Oh,” he dusted his hand off on his scrubbs, “allow me to introduce myself. My name is Brett O’Hare. And you, sir, are a disgrace to society. The very reason why so many Americans are in poor health in this day and age.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“The Easy Cheese!” Brett gestured wildly toward the can in Race’s hand. “Gosh do you even know how many preservatives are in that stuff? And all the cancers that it can cause? It’s terrible. We wouldn’t need free healthcare if people just stopped eating Easy Cheese!”

Race had lived in New York City his whole life, and he had seen some pretty strange things, but never had he seen a pharmacist in a Walgreens lecture anyone about the health benefits of Easy Cheese.

“So let me get this straight,” Race rubbed his head, trying to make sense of the situation. “You go around yelling at people about the ingredients in the things that they are purchasing?”

“Yeah.”

“You do realize that this is a Walgreens, right? Everything in here probably contains some kind of chemical.” New Yorkers never ceased to amaze him.

“All the more reason for me to inform them of their poor eating habits!” Brett pointed a finger at him. “And stop distracting me! You’re the one buying the freaking easy cheese here!”

“It’s not even for me!” Race shouted back. “It’s for my boyfriend’s fucking mac and cheese that he insisted on making for Thanksgiving even though everyone knows that mac and cheese is not a fucking Thanksgiving food and he’s only making it cause he knocked me off the goddamn rainbow road right before the fucking finish line!” Race was fuming but the time that he was done.

“Oh, man I’m so sorry, that's lousy.”

Race looked surprised. Of all the things that he thought he would get out of this Walgreens experience, a therapy session was indeed not on the list. But neither had been hearing a lecture about the preservatives in Easy Cheese from a pharmacist.

“But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still buying Easy Cheese!” Between one second and the next, Brett had grabbed the can of Easy Cheese out of Race’s hand, wielding it like a brick. “Buy some fucking vegetables!”

And with that, he struck Race over the head with the can of Easy Cheese.

Now, Race had definitely done some questionable things during his life. Once he had slept on the roof of his dorm building in January for a week because he lost his dorm key, and another time he had been tricked into making an entire wedding cake using salt. However, being smacked over the head with a can of Easy Cheese by a health nut in scrubs on Thanksgiving put any and all other situations he had been in to shame.  

He opened his eyes, suddenly blinded by the lights, and reached for his phone, muttering curses about man candy and vegetables. Squinting so he didn’t have to look at the screen, he somehow managed to dial Albert.

“Racetrack Higgins, where is my Easy Cheese?”

Race pulled the phone away from his ear and winced at the sound of his boyfriend’s voice. “Um, it may have been used to give me a concussion by a health nut in scrubs?”

Albert let out a loud sigh. “Ah man, did you run into Brett? That guy’s the worst.”

“Wait, you know him?”

“Race, I know every Walgreens employee in Manhattan, of course I know Brett.” There was the jangling of keys in the background. “I thought I told you to go to the one on 4th for this reason, ah, well. I’m on my way. I’ll take you to urgent care. Hang tight.”

Race’s head hurt too much to process what Albert had said except for the words ‘I’m on my way.’ “Okay,” he sighed.

“Love you.”

“Love you too.” Race’s eyes focused on the dented can of Easy Cheese rolling on the floor. “And Al?”

“Yeah?”

“This is going to be one expensive can of Easy Cheese.”

______

that was a ride

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Or Nah (M)

Messy Ch. 2

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny (features other members)

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: drugs, anxiety attacks, night terrors

Features: POV changes, bathroom/rough sex, fingering, blowjobs

Word Count: around 14k

A/N: ‘they’ and ‘she’ are used interchangeably on purpose.

Messy Masterlist  Buy me a Ko-Fi    Other Stories

Lucas Pov

My phone was vibrating against the glass top of the coffee table ripping me out of sleep. The incessant buzzing was driving me crazy especially since my head was still fuzzy from last night. I barely remember getting home...well to Quinn and Eri's place anyway. I groaned and slammed my hand on the table feeling around until my phone was in hand. I squinted an eye open, peeking at the influx of messages that continued to scroll about my screen. I opened the messenger app and read through the dozens of texts. Johnny had added me to the group chat shortly after I met him and Jaehyun during ‘Welcome Weekend’. It was how i had found out about their party and now it was how I found out that Eri had hooked up with Johnny. He was supposedly the “king of of one night stands” and Eri was just another one to be added to his list. Or that was how it would all start out. Clearly, Ten and Yuta had met their match once they started playing with her. I wouldnt be surprised if Johnny started drooling over her too.

There was something about Eri. I still hadn’t quite figured it out myself. She was far from my type-which is why I first got with Quinn. Quinn was soft, small, pale blonde and a little ditzy- perfect. Eri on the other hand was raw, loud, obnoxious, and volatile. Dominant yet bratty, needing to be in control of everything and the first to protect if needed. She always ended up “momming” Quinn and I no matter what. She was also gorgeous in a way I didn't often see back home- tattoos everywhere, her hair a mish mash of colors, her skin deep, rich and intoxicatingly sweet. She had managed to seduce every last one of us. We were putty in her hands. Eri and I were only friends but i would be lying if I failed to admit that there were times where all i thought about was being between her legs for days on end.

I sighed and finally sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I tossed my two cents into the group conversation and yawned deeply. The smell of something cooking caught my attention and i realized I was fucking starving. I looked over at the small kitchen and saw Eri standing in front of the stove in nothing but her underwear and a little ass tank top, looking like i should eat her for breakfast instead. I adjusted myself on the couch and opened my camera, zooming in close to get the best view. I grabbed a pic and sent it to the chat. They would all be jealous of me getting to see this first thing in the morning-afternoon….whatever.. “Babeeeeessss, whatcha making me?”

“I had some pancake mix in the back of the fridge that was still good so there's that. There’s also some left over pizza. Breakfast of champions.”

“You look like a hot little wifey cooking for me. Just saying.”

“You know what you could say? Nothing.” She came towards me with the plate of food. “Here.”

My camera was still open so i faced it towards us under the guise of taking a selfie but i turned my head towards her, just as i hit the button, giving her a kiss. I posted it to the group chat too just to see if i could piss Johnny off. “How's your vag?” I asked Eri as i sent the picture.

“I survived I guess. My thighs still fucking hurt.” I moved my legs so she could sit on the couch beside me.

“Was he better than me?” I asked just out of curiosity.

“Lucas, you know I dont compare anyone. But he didn’t go down on me so he's already losing, just saying.”

I picked up one of the pancakes and shoved it in my mouth. “Fuckin’ pussy.”

“Dont talk with your mouth full. You're gonna choke.” She grabbed her PS4 controller and turned on the console as well as the tv. She flipped through the apps pulling up Netflix. “You wanna watch something? Quinn said they'd be coming home soon but i don't know how true that is.”

“Heard she was at T.Y.’s place.” I replied in between chewing and shoving another pancake in my mouth.

“Yep. Fucking him this time, i guess.”

I swallowed and shrugged. “I'll ask her to take a shower before we fuck.”

“How gentlemanly of you, Lucas.” She scoffed and started typing in the name of whatever show she wanted to watch. I noticed the hickies that were covering her dark skin, blending in with the tattoos on her back and shoulders.

“Damn, he did a number on you.” I said leaning in closer to her and running my fingers along the bruises. She winced a bit and tugged away from me.

“It's fine. I've had worse.”

“Yeah like when Ten accidentally cut you so deep you had to get stitches and Quinn wanted to deck him.”

She inhaled sharply. “Not one of our best moments. I squirmed by accident so I guess it was my fault.”

“Or he could’ve not hurt you.” I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand before kissing her shoulder.

“Eh. Whats the fun in that?”

I kissed up her neck, resisting the urge to bite her and make my marks better than Johnny's. “I make you cum just fine without hurting you.”

“Question.” She said, turning to me. “Do you like choking me?”

“What? Uh...i mean...it gets you off right?”

“Yeah, but do you like it?”

I scratched at the back of my neck. “I mean….”

She sighed. “Nevermind.”

“Aww, Eri, don't be mad. I dont mind doing it for you!”

“It's fine. Im not mad.” She curled up against my chest, wrapping her arm around my waist, and setting her legs on my lap.

I rubbed her thighs slowly, going up and down the length of them and paying extra attention to her hips. “Did you try and get him to do it?”

“Yeah, well sorta. I didnt say it outright but i kinda hinted at it. He pulled his hand away like he didnt want to touch me.”

“Not for nothing Eri but you’re like the only chick who's like ‘CHOKE ME’ during the first fuck. It can be kinda scary and not everyone's into that.”

“Fuckin’ wack is what that is.” She laughed.

“Maybe he'll do it next time.”

“Next time?” She scoffed. “I doubt there’s gonna be a next time.”

“You'd be surprised.” I kissed the top of her head and kept her close, kind of wondering if I should ask her if she wanted to fuck. It was too much work to do anal right now but maybe she'd at least want it slow. I could do that. I slipped my fingers underneath the strap of her tank top moving it down her shoulder.

“Lucas.”

I hated when she said my name like that. It was like i was in trouble with my mom. I kept rubbing small circles on her thigh, pretending like i wasn’t doing anything. “Hmm? What?”

“Cut it out.” She was always much stricter with how much we fucked, unlike Quinn. Eri was picky and everything had to be on her terms, which was why i always got reprimanded. I knew she still couldn’t resist me, especially when i gave her my puppy dog look.

“I swear i'm not doing anything!”

She rolled her eyes and pushed away from me. “Not right now.” She got up from the couch and headed back towards the kitchen. I stuffed the last pancake in my mouth and followed after her.

“Come on! I'll go slow! It wont even hurt. You know i take good care of you.” I chewed faster and swallowed hard before she yelled at me again.

“My thighs are killing me. I don’t even think i have the strength to open them for you to eat me out.”

“Well...you wanna at least suck me off?” She glared at me so hard that I stepped back in case her fist wanted to connect with my stomach. She was always an aggressive lover. “S-sorry…”

“You'd probably taste like pool water and sweat. No thanks.”

“Ok, you can pull one of my numbers and ask me to shower before hand. It's just...you know how i get in the morning, babes.” i pouted at her, starting my puppy dog stare.

“Don’t look at me like that. You know i hate that.”

“Pretty please? Pleaaassseeeeeee.”

She set her little hand on my face, smooshing me away. “I dont have time. I have band practice tonight and it starts soon.”

“Just a quick one i promise!! I'll be done fast!”

She groaned. “Lucas, seriously??” She rolled her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Fine! FINE! I don’t know how you always convince me.”

“Because you can’t resist me, that's why.” I gave her a quick kiss before running towards the bathroom to shower. Honestly, i should probably bring my shower stuff to their house at some point so I could stop smelling like vanilla, and cookies, and marigolds or whatever they used. I chucked off my shorts, tossing them in the corner where Eri could get them and do the laundry for me later. I grabbed my toothbrush and slapped some toothpaste on it before getting in the shower. I turned it on full blast, preferring a cold shower than the usual depths of hell i had to suffer through when i showered with Eri or Quinn.

“Some random person added me on snapchat! Do you know a DJJ0209?!” i heard her yell at me. I almost choked on my toothbrush. I hoped the running water hid the sound of my laughter.

“Oh...no! I dont! Did you add them?!” i called back out to her before spitting toothpaste down the drain.

I could tell she was responding but i had no idea what it was. It was hard to hear her now with my head fully under the water. Hopefully it wasnt too important. I finished brushing my teeth and moved onto washing my hair, trying to get chlorine smell out of it.

“Did you hear me earlier?” her voice appeared from inside the bathroom.

“No, all i heard was someone random added you on snapchat. Who was it?”

“I have no clue. Probs some weirdo from online. I'm just gonna block it.”

“No,” i tried to keep a straight face even though she couldn’t see me behind the curtain. “Just accept it. I'm sure it's fine.”

“What the hell!? I got another one….wait this one has a little character thing. Kinda looks like Taeil…”

“Just accept them both. Who knows maybe you'll find the love of your life.” I snorted.

“Hmm yes how romantic. Mommy, daddy, How did you meet? Well son, your father sent me a dick pic on snapchat and I was so in love we instantly got married.”

“Aww, you're like a real life Cinderella.”

She hit the shower curtain, trying to get at me. “Shut up, dumbass. I have to leave here by 6, and it's a little after 4:30 now.”

“I'm coming! You wont be late.”

“Mhm.” I could hear her walking back out of the bathroom. I finished rinsing my hair and washed up quickly. I was done in a few minutes, pulling back the shower curtain to see that Eri had left a fresh towel on the toilet. She was seriously the best. I dried off a bit then wrapped the towel around my waist, heading back over to the couch. She was laying on her stomach, feet crossed at her ankles in the air and typing furiously on her phone. I leaned over the back of the couch and trailed my hand over her lower back, watching her tense for a second. She was way warmer than my hands were. I couldn’t help but wish I could play with her a bit before she left.

“You're freezing.” She said as she set her phone beside mine on the coffee table.

“It's too hot. I felt sticky.” i moved around the couch, taking my place beside her again. She scooted closer to me, her hand tugging at the towel and pulling it open.

“Let’s get this over with.” She said.

“Gee, dont sound so enthused.” I rolled my eyes as she giggled at me. In a way i knew she was joking but also she was probably ready to get going to band practice. It was important to her but so was i. She would make time for me. I cupped her face in my hands, pulling her close for a heated kiss while her hand fell between my thighs and groped my cock. I licked her lips before she let me in, my tongue filling up her mouth and making her squirm a bit. I loved the way it felt when we kissed. She was always a tease, hungry yet slow, or fast and harsh. You never knew what you were going to get. Whenever i could get a soft little moan out of her, it would go straight to my cock, making me breathe harder and want to fuck her for hours on end just to coax more out.

I slid my hand down her back, moving down to cup her ass. It was one of my favorite things about her. There was nothing better then seeing how good it looked while i fucked her from behind, better yet when i fucked her ass. I tried pulling her onto my lap but she let out a strained whimper.

“Careful…” She whispered. Ok, note to self, beat the shit out of Johnny next time i saw him for making my Eri so sore. I let go of her ass and opted for her hip again while my other hand slid under her tank top. I was already half hard, giving her some room to start stroking. I opened my legs wider as she rubbed her thumb over my head in slow circles making every nerve feel electrified. I was already wiggling my hips towards her palm, parting my lips to feed a deep groan down her throat. She already knew everything i loved, everything that turned me on, everything that could make me cum. She guided her kisses to my neck, sucking on my jugular just a bit before pressing her lips down my chest.

I relaxed my head back against the couch, my nails digging into the armrest when i felt her lips surrounding me. She eased herself down, little by little, stroking what she couldn't fit in her mouth. Her tongue circled around my head and she popped off it completely to kiss up and down my shaft. Her kisses slipped down to my balls, tongueing them just enough to make me almost lose my cool. I thrusted my hips more as i tried to get her to take me back in. She looked up at me, that same controlling look in her eye.

“You gonna behave?” She asked, raising a brow.

I licked my lips and looked at at her. “Are you?”

She sat up and pulled away from me. “I'll stop right now, Lucas. I swear.”

“No you wont.” I dared.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Oh really?”

“Mhm.” i moved closer towards her, angling my head for a kiss which I knew she would pull away from. In that instant i grabbed her neck making it disappear in the coverage of my hand. Her whole body relaxed and her face fell into an expression of bliss. Her eyes were practically rolling back in her head as her giddy giggles became strained when i closed my fingers around her tighter. It was scary as all hell to do this and it wasn’t necessarily something I enjoyed but seeing how good it made her feel got me going even more. Over time i got used to it, especially when she'd clench around me and scratch at my back, her body begging me to choke her harder. “Keep sucking, babes. It feels so good when I'm in your mouth.” i swiped my thumb over her full bottom lip, watching as her tongue poked out to lick it.

I let her go then and she eased back down, sucking faster this time. Her cheeks were starting to hollow out dragging more moans out of me. I set my hand on the back of her head, adding just enough pressure to keep her in place. I trailed my other hand down her back, sliding one of my fingers underneath her panties to feel how wet she was. She was trying to squirm away from from me but i let my finger slide slowly up and down her lower lips, rubbing each drop of slick through her folds and around her clit. I shushed her gently, telling her that i just wanted to make her feel good. I loved when she came with me and i was hoping she would swallow if i had her distracted enough.

I made circles on her bundle of nerves with just the tip of my middle finger, finally managing to get a louder moan out of her. The timbre from those cute sounds were enough to make my toes curl. I choked back her name, opting to keep quiet for now so I could concentrate. Her warm hand cupped my balls then, squeezing each one slightly as her thumb pressed into the sensitive points. I was already starting to throb in her tight mouth and it was making my nails dig into her scalp harder. I felt her wiggle her hips, reminding me that my finger was still in her panties. I rocked my finger through her wetness one last time before pushing it in slowly. I let her fuck herself on it as much as she wanted, leaving her to control the pace while i focused on my impending orgasm. “Eri...fuck…” i whispered.

She pulled off in one slow drag, rolling my precum over her tongue. “You know the drill.”

I groaned. “Please, Eri? Please? Just this once? I promise i’ll-”

“No. You know the rules.”

“But Quinn-”

“Then you should've asked Quinn.” she snapped back.

I dodged her glare and nodded in defeat. One day I was going to get her to swallow but for now i guess i had to cum on myself….again. She switched out her mouth with her hand, fisting the head of my cock before sliding down my shaft and giving it a squeeze. Cum was already starting to dribble down her hand as her hold on me tightened and loosened with each stroke. She pressed her chest to mine, bringing my head closer to cover her neck in kisses and miniscule bites. Her nails were digging into shoulder ever so slightly and her angry, commanding tone melted into that dangerously sweet voice.

“Come on, baby boy. Cum for me.” she cooed.

I held onto her then, so fucking tight, trying to bury my scream into her skin. I felt my stomach heat up as i came all over myself, my thigh muscles tensing. I swallowed back, panting against her chest as i worked through the tail end of my high. She kissed the top of my head, running her fingers through my hair, until I regained my composure.

“I gotta get dressed now.” She said, wiping her hand on the towel. I slid my hand out of her panties and groaned as i looked up at her.

“Stay for a bit…”

“I cant, its’ already about to be five. Quinn's gonna be home soon and you should actually get to your dorm sometime soon. You have class tomorrow.”

“Fuck class…”

“If you skip i'm gonna beat your ass.” She slid off the couch and headed to her room. She didn’t bother closing the door as she pulled her tank top over her head and dropped her panties. I had to look away, knowing i would make a bigger mess if i kept staring.

--

Eri's PoV

I shoved open the apartment door, kicking off my boots that were starting to dig into my feet. It felt so good to be home instead of a tiny garage sweating my ass off. I lugged my guitar and amp back to my room trying to ignore the loud moans coming from Quinn's room. I set my instrument down in the little sacred corner I set up where it wouldn't be disturbed, making sure to keep my cords wrapped up. Now that I was finally in the semi-peacefulness of my room I could take off the clothes that seemed to be glued to me. I pulled off my shorts, taking my phone out of my back pocket. I hadn’t checked it in hours and i could see the screen full of notifications. One caught my eye in particular. I clicked on the little bell which opened up my snapchat. There was one photo notification from the username i didnt recognize from this afternoon. I was going to scream if it was a dick pic. I dont even know why i thought it was a good idea to listen to Lucas and accept the request.

I braced myself as i clicked on it, waiting for the worse, even closing my eyes a bit. But it wasn’t bad. In fact...it was just Johnny. Johnny?? I gripped my phone tighter, pulling it closer to my face to examine the cute puppy filter on his black and white selfie, a simple caption of ‘hey’ towards the bottom of the screen. I couldn’t help the smile that tugged on my lips. He looked incredibly cute and definitely less like an annoying fuckboy. My heart started beating faster as i realized i should respond to him. I looked like a mess and i had no idea what i should i take a picture of. My room wasn't that clean, my face was meh at best and it was way too early for ass pics. I stared into my full length mirror, accessing the damage of my makeup. With my crappy room lighting and the use of a hundred filters I could potentially pull off a worthwhile selfie to send.

I angled my phone from above and mulled through the filters, finding a cute cat one that smoothed out my face to an angelic glow and made me have giant doe eyes. When i was satisfied i snapped the pic and typed in ‘Hey yourself’ as the caption. I expected him to leave me on read for most of the night and moved onto the other notifications i had. There was a text message from Yuta showing off new hot pink rope he had gotten (one of my favorite colors), a text from Taeyong telling me that Quinn had left their vest there (which im sure he texted just to have an excuse to talk to me), and a comment from Ten on my latest instagram selfie i took at practice (when my makeup was not so gross). I went to work answering them making the minutes pass by, keeping my mind off the thought of waiting for Johnny’s response. Thankfully, the waiting was short lived.

It was another picture but this one wasn’t so innocent and cute. His shirt was halfway up his torso, exposing his abs and the trimmed line of hair that trailed below his belly button and disappeared under the waistband of his Supreme briefs that were barely covered by his sweatpants. They did no justice in hiding the thick bulge beneath. His caption this time was ‘wyd?’. I stared at the picture so intently that my eyes started to blur a bit. I hadn’t even noticed i was holding my breath until my chest struggled to expand. He was reminding me exactly why i ended up in his bed last night and why i still felt the ache in my thighs.

I wasn't going to snap him back this time. No way. I knew exactly what he was doing- just trying to get me back in his bed. I wasn't going to fall for it. I was going to let him think that i wasn't desperate and let him suffer. I set my phone face down on my bed and pulled off my fishnet stockings and my shirt, tossing them in my hamper. I whipped off my bra and pulled on the tank top i had earlier, returning to my comfy pj state. Flopping onto my mattress, i laid back and reached for the headphones that always resided beside my pillow. They were my prized possession, complete with perfect outside noise cancellation. I opened up my spotify and hit shuffle on one of my favorite albums, sighing contently as Quinn and Lucas’ moaning was finally blocked out. I set my phone on my stomach and closed my eyes. I could use another nap to be honest…

But first…

I opened up my snapchat again succumbing to the victory of being the last one to send a teasing picture. I put the hem of my tank top cheekily between my teeth while i pressed my boobs together, making them fuller and have optimum cleavage. My caption was just a response to his question; ‘nothing much. Hbu?’.

I was too damn weak for him. I knew what the hell was under his sweatpants already but somewhere deep in the back of my mind, no matter how much i tried to ignore it, i had been thinking about the way he felt inside me. The dull ache, his long fingers, every bite of his perfect teeth on my skin, the small growls that made every one of my hairs stand on end. I thought there wouldnt be a next time- That i would just have to chalk him up to another one night stand- but now i knew he was interested in something a little more and i could play my favorite game of cat and mouse.

I set my phone back on my stomach opting to focus on the music. My nails drummed against my phone case following the beat of the heavy bass. It felt like an internal clock was ticking, reminding me like an annoying little devil that I was desperate for a response. Minutes turned into a half hour, a half hour turned into  an hour. I gave up on my ability to wait when Lucas banged on my door, loud enough to shake me from half asleep stupor. He was asking me to drive him back to his dorm. I didn’t bother putting my shorts back on. Instead i trudged to the front door in just my panties, sliding on my flipflops as we made our way out to the parking lot. The both of us were yawning as we got into my car, the passenger seat was still all the way back from when he got in three days ago.

“Had fun?” I asked. I could tell he was getting drained. Having sex non stop was going to run him right into the ground. He and Quinn were always hot messes like that. And I got called the stuck up one because my relationships were slightly more calculated.

“Yeah…” He grumbled.

“How many you'd get out?”

“2...Quinn got 5.”

“Oh boy. Let me guess, you didnt eat since I fed you either, right?” He didn't answer. I sighed and took a right turn away from the dorms and towards the strip of fast food places downtown.

“Where you going?”

“To get you food.” I flicked him in the temple, making him wince. “You need to eat and stop thinking with your dick so much.”

“Yes, Eri.” He sighed as set his head on his open faced palm, staring out the window. I pulled into a Taco Bell, rubbing his knee to pull him out of his sleepy daze. He gave me his order which seemed to be a whole laundry list of calories and fat. I pulled up to the next window and automatically reached for my debit card only to realize that i had left it at the apartment inside my shorts.

“Fuck.” I whispered.

Lucas dug into his pocket and handed me his card from his wallet. I started to protest but he just gave me a small smile. “I owe you. Dont worry about it. Youre always taking care of me anyway.”

I took his card and handed it over to the employee, waiting for his order. I felt his warm hand slip into mine giving it a little squeeze. “Dont start that gay shit.” I joked. He was always so clingy, loving, and sweet and I...liked to suppress everything I could about my emotions. Somehow he always found a way to bring something caring and nurturing out of me. He was so far from home that within the year or so that Quinn and I had known him, we became his family. Sure we all fucked but it just...kinda worked that way. I could be his best friend and caregiver and we could also connect physically to a point where it was neutral. He knew i would never want a relationship with him and that was for the best.

“Dont lie, Eri. Somewhere between your big tits you have a heart and not some black void like you pretend to have.”

“Excuse you, you leave my black void alone. It's fine just the way it is. I'm going to keep it that way.”

“Admit it. In there you have love for me and Quinn. And probably Johnnnyyyyyyyy~”

“Oh, grow up.” I scoffed. “Besides he's the one who wants it more than i do. It was him who sent me the request this afternoon and he’s already sent me a slutty snap.” i replied, grabbing the bag of food from the worker and handing it over to Lucas.

“Ohhh so that’s who that was? Shocker.”

“Yeah, you knew it was him, you little shit.”

“I’m your wingman, babes. You'll thank me later.”

I pulled out of the drive through and headed back in the direction of his dorm building. “I doubt that but ok. I dont even know if i'm gonna fuck him again.”

“You will.” he replied before shoving a burrito in his mouth. I pulled up to the building shortly after, ignoring his little quip and setting myself in park.

“Here we are, kid.”

He swallowed hard, licking his fingers of cheese sauce. “Can i come over next weekend?”

“I'm gonna be busy with Yuta on Saturday so see what Quinn says.”

“Ugh, fine.” He leaned in close and gave me a soft kiss, holding it for a bit longer than usual. “See you around!” He got out the car, taking his bag of food and backpack with him. I waited until i saw him disappear into the building before taking off. My phoned buzzed from within my cup holder and i wondered if it was Johnny. I waited until i came across a red light before stealing a glance at my phone. My mouth went dry as soon i saw his username on my screen. I wanted to see what he had sent so bad but if it was too good i didnt want it to happen while i was in the car and distracted.

I zoomed down the street, my foot a little bit heavier on the gas pedal than necessary. I was home in a flash, almost drifting into a parking space before taking the steps to my apartment two at a time. I unlocked the door and rushed in, surprised to see Quinn hobbling out of their room.

“Now i know how you feel with Johnny. My thighs are killing me.”

“Speaking of Johnny.” I spat out excitedly. “He added me on snapchat and his last snap to me was him in sweatpants with his dick print all perfect and his abs out and shit. I wanted to die. And now he just sent me another one and since you’re done with Lucas you can see it.”.

“God i hope it's his dick. Will you let me see his dick? I want to see his dick.”

I shrugged and clicked on his notification. “i guess we'll see- holy fucking shit.”

I could barely see his face, only his lips curling into a smirk as his monstrous hand groped at his bulge, giving it a quick shake. God it was so gross yet here i was salivating over it. His caption was ‘thought about how good you felt’. The 10 second clip was gone almost instantly but the view was already ingrained in my mind.

“Well if youre not gonna go over there and fuck him i will.” Quinn said.

“I’d rather you kinda….didn't.” I  looked down at them as a little bit of awkwardness sparked between us.

They pouted and crossed their arms. “You're gonna hog all that to yourself?! That's so unfair!”

“Ok, i know were pretty open about who we fuck because were in the same social circle but we kinda share Yuta and Lucas already! And i'm pretty sure Taeyong is up my ass again too, so that’s three guys! Let me have this ONE.”

“Ugh!! You’re getting soft! Was his dick that good that it went straight to your head and made you loopy?! We’re supposed to use them and leave! That’s it.”

“I know! I mean i usually leave right after when I’m with Ten and Yuta, i dropped Taeyong entirely, and Lucas hangs around here constantly so i can’t do much about that. You're the one that usually kicks him out. I dont know...i just…”

“You like him?!”

“I do not! I just like his dick! And maybe his lips….and his eyes...and his arms. And his tummy is cute too. His butt looks suuuuper good and-”

“You're weak, Eri. Promise me you will only use him for his dick. He's a dumb fuckboy who doesn’t deserve you.” Quinn said.

“I know that! And it’s gonna stay that way. Trust me. I'm not even going to answer him back. I’m tired so i’m heading to bed. I’ve got an early class anyway.”

“Yeah you do that. Between Jae, Taeyong, and Lucas, i’m pooped. I'm gonna stay home tomorrow.”

I rolled my eyes. Sometimes their will to not do anything successful with college was irritating. “Ok well you do that. Just be quiet if you're going to stay up late.” i said as i disappeared into my room and curled up in bed. What i said was partially true; i wasn't going to answer Johnny back. Well not now at least. He made me wait an hour before answering me. I was petty enough to make him wait twice as long for my response. I decided to set a timer as a reminder to get up and take a cute pic of my ass. But first a quick nap would do me good.

--

My alarm shook me out of my sleep, the heavy guitar riff scaring the crap out of me. I felt around for my phone groaning as i lifted my head off my pillow to shut it off. I blinked a few times bringing the time into view. It was 7:30 am. I totally missed my timer to respond back to Johnny and i didn't have time to take something sexy now. There were no other notifications from him either. I only had a few texts from my harem and a good morning selfie from Lucas. Glad he was actually going to class at least.

I forced myself out of bed and started getting ready. Shower, brushing my teeth, getting makeup on my face so i looked semi alive and like i didnt want to throw myself out a window. I picked out a random pair of leggings and a cut up band tee. That would suffice for today. I pulled on my worn out converses and grabbed my backpack, stuffing my headphones and laptop in it. I put some deodorant on and tossed it in my bag as well. I still had a decent amount of time to get to the commuters parking lot and head to the dungeon of journalism buildings. Once i got there, it only took a few minutes to find my classroom. It was a tiny box of a room with barely any air conditioning and older wooden desks. I plopped down in the middle aisle, already feeling my thighs stick to the chair.

Waiting for class to start was a pain. I was hungry and wanted coffee. I would maybe have some time to go to the Starbucks downtown before my next class. I didnt really have Starbucks money to spare but i needed a pick me up. Other students started shuffling in as the 9 o’ clock mark crept closer. Our professor still hadn’t shown up yet. The general consensus was 10 minutes without a teacher and you were free to leave. Please let me leave, i begged silently. If I didn’t cave in and get Starbucks I could sleep in a bit more in one of the quiet rooms in the library. I had some heavy decisions to weigh out within the next five minutes before I was able to book it.

I was watching the time tick on my phone when i saw a notification from snapchat. Oh fuck…It was Johnny. I opened it quickly, covering my phone just in case it was some sort of morning wood pic. I started wondering, just for a moment, if he slept in those sweats or completely naked. When i looked down at the picture it was actually of me sitting at my desk. The caption was ‘Ur not even gonna say hi? Lol’. I straightened up and whipped my head around trying to see where the fuck he was. I saw his smirk from the back right corner of the room, sunglasses over his eyes as he gave me a little head nod and stuck his tongue out. I whipped back around in my seat, trying to hide the blush that splattered across my cheeks.

Of course he would have class with me. Of fucking course. I had no idea what to do. Would this be awkward for us if we kept fucking? I could just ignore him for the entire semester. Pretend that any emotion towards him didn't exist and that we hadn’t fucked. While i was building my exterior facade into a sturdy wall my interior was crumbling with panic. I started furiously texting Quinn, even though i knew they weren't awake, just to get my internal screaming out. How was i supposed to get away from him now?! I had to look at those stupid gorgeous lips and thick thighs every single day of fall semester! All i could do was pray that the professor still didn't show up. My foot was furiously bouncing in anticipation of my freedom and potential to leave Johnny in the dust.

Unfortunately, i didn't get my wish. The professor came in then, huffing, puffing, and way too flustered. I set my head on the table and groaned, barely ready to suffer through the next hour and a half. Every once in awhile it would feel like Johnny was watching me but each time i looked back i was sure he was sleeping behind his sunglasses. He was probably up partying too late last night again. i caught him rubbing his eyes and yawning, looking so soft and sleepy. My lips tugged into a smile, that gooey, sickly sweet feeling returning to my stomach. I needed that to stop. I sighed and looked down at the syllabus that had been passed out. No one actually gave a crap about these. We just needed to know the due dates and what stupid projects we had. Time droned on but luckily we were let out a little early.

I stood up quickly, grabbing my bag and heading straight for the door, not bothering to look back to see if Johnny was on my tail. I got my answer either way when i felt an arm around my shoulders steering me towards the rows of rentable lockers. “So you are definitely ignoring me, right?” I heard him ask.

I groaned internally. “Not necessarily. I mean i couldn't just get up in the middle of class and ride your dick.” I kept myself in front of him, shuffling my weight from one foot to the other and gripping the strap of my backpack tightly.

“Definitely would have been better then going through another fucking syllabus. Like we dont know how to read.” He rolled his eyes. “Anyway, when’s your next class?”

“Why?” I asked curiously.

He looked around for a second before leaning against the lockers. “Wanna hook up again? I need a quickie.”

I couldn't help the giggle that escaped me. “Oh you need one, huh? Damn, didn't think you'd be the needy type Johnny.”

He sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes. “Let me put it this way then. I want to fuck and you’re the only one that’s here right now. Hows that sound?”

“Sounds like you're still thirsty from when I didn't answer your snap last night.”

“Don't know why you're playing hard to get when you weren’t that hard to get in my bed on Saturday.”

“And you definitely aren't hard to wrap around my finger.” I shot back, glaring at him as our bodies edged closer to each other.

“I’m hardly wrapped around your finger.” His almost hissed as he leaned in.

“You're here wanting to fuck me again, aren't you?” I crossed my arms and smirked up at him, knowing I had bested him in his little shade contest.

He dragged his tongue over his teeth and scoffed.  He looked away for a second, probably trying to recoup his ego. “Look, you want it or nah? I don’t have time to waste”

I got my phone out of my bra and flicked on the screen, pretending to see if I had enough time for him. My next class still wasn’t for another hour and a half. I could squeeze in a quickie. Besides if this perked me up then I could save a few bucks on coffee. I let out an exaggerated sigh. “I guess I have some free time. You got a condom?”

He patted his shorts, grabbing his wallet from his back pocket before flipping it open and checking the money pocket. “Yep.”

“I’m not about to fuck you with some old ass condom you’ve had in your wallet since you were like 16.”

“I just put it in there the other day, stupid. Anyway, where you wanna go?”

“Third floor has private bathroom. Normally that floor is pretty empty until later on in the afternoon. Follow me.”

I slipped in front of him, trying my best to make sure he had a view of my ass in the leggings that left little to the imagination. Besides if I lead the way I wouldn’t have to struggle as much to keep up with his long strides. We maneuvered up the stairs, flowing around the clog of students shifting classes. When we got to the third floor it was mostly clear as I had expected but I still looked around to see if anyone would possibly notice us. Johnny didn’t care, however. He sprinted ahead of me, swinging the door open the to single stall. “Come on already. No one’s gonna see.”

I sighed and scurried over to him, bouncing into the room and rushing him to close the door. He rolled his eyes as he set his backpack down and locked the door. “What? You think we’re gonna get in trouble out something? A bathroom isn’t the same as the student affairs office.”

“Shut up, asshole. I just want to be sure no one is going to interrupt us is all. I don’t have time to hear you whining about blue balls or some shit.”

“Whatever, scaredy cat. Let’s get this over with.” He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it by his backpack.

“Let’s get this over with? You know I can just leave you here to jerk off if that’s how you’re gonna be.”

“Yeah but you wont.” He grabbed the strap of my backpack and forced me close to him, my head almost ramming into his chest. I braced myself against him, about to bombard him with profanities when his hands cupped either side of my face. His head came down to connect our lips and I melted then, hungry to satisfy my addiction that already developed for his sensual kisses. I clung to his waist tight as we melded together. His tongue slipped out to massage my own, sucking it into his mouth to control every aspect of our tangle. He retreated his hands from my face and worked to shove my backpack off and drop it beside us. I had begun to claw at the waistband of his shorts while he grabbed a hold of my hair. His other hand rested on the small of my back, making sure i was crushed against him. My breath was barely able to escape with how close we were and his lips not breaking from mine. I managed to pop open the button of his fly while he moved us backwards, trapping me between his well built frame and the bathroom wall. I pulled away finally, gulping down air that he threatened to take away again.

“You like shoving me against shit, don’t you?” i panted heavily.

He licked his lips, lowering himself even more to kiss at my neck. “I like having you exactly where i want you. Plus, it's hot to see you stand on your tiptoes just to try and kiss me.”

“I'm pretty sure you just like me being short because my mouth is closer to your dick.”

“I mean that too.” He chuckled lowly before wrapping his lips around my collarbone to draw blood to the surface. “We can test that out if you want.”

“If i'm good at giving head?”

He small groan against my shoulder. “Yeah. That.”

“Well…” I grabbed onto his shoulders and shoved him back, switching our positions to have him pinned to the wall. “I haven't had any complaints yet.” Johnny looked a little surprised, yet excited at the prospect of me sucking him off. His eyes were fixated on me, on my lips, as i trailed passionate kisses down his stomach and nipped at his iliac's crest. In a split second, his shorts were around his ankles and my knees followed them to the ground. I was mostly confident in my ability to pleasure him until a sickening feeling started bubbling in my mind. How the hell he was even remotely going to fit into my mouth? I could barely take him inside me without minutes on end of preparation. Now he expected me to shove him down my throat? I swallowed hard when the outline of his dick trapped in his boxer briefs stared me down.

“You just gonna sit there or-?” he snapped.

I realized he had been waiting for me to start. My heart was thundering already as I tried to conceive of a way to swallow him down comfortably. I sighed internally and just decided to bite the bullet. I rested my hands on his hips kissing the outline of his cock through his underwear. His breath stilled as his eyes closed and his head dipped back ever so slightly. I kissed the head of his cock, sucking gently and tonguing around the thickness. My hands wandered from his hips to his ass, grabbing a hold of his firm cheeks. I heard him let out a small laugh before pulling my hands away, making me pout.

“What's up with you girls and my ass? Ya”ll are always grabbing it.” he said.

“Not for nothing but it’s pretty cute and if you want me to enjoy sucking your dick even more, you should probably let me do it.” I yanked my hands from his and pulled down his underwear swiftly, revealing what made me scared yet lustful. He was rolling his eyes, preparing to retort with another quip when i wrapped my lips fully around his head. He exhaled softly instead, making the easiest of thrusts into my mouth as he started getting hard. My mouth was expanding to accommodate being fuller and I tried swallowing around him, inching my way down gradually. My eyes were already squeezed shut, my chest heaving as i forced myself to breathe through my nose.

The groan that came out of him was definitely a bit louder and deeper than what i heard during our last hookup. It was followed by a much softer ‘keep going’ as his long fingers came to rest on my shoulder. His thumb stroked my jugular, keeping me steady against him. My body relaxed a bit more as i felt the warmth of his hand so close to my neck. I was leaning into him again, wanting to feel the constriction of my air supply. I was able to swallow down more, barely half way but better than what i expected. I worked a hand around his base, giving a small squeeze before starting rhythmic strokes. My fingers met my lips as I flowed between sucking and stroking, trying my best to coax those rumbly groans out of him once more.

His thumb finally pressed into the front of my throat and I could feel the pressure every time i swallowed back. My grip on his ass tightened my nails digging into the muscles and leaving small marks behind. I wrapped a small moan around the tip of his cock as I felt the beginning drops of precum coat my taste buds. He hissed softly as he slipped the condom from his pocket into my hand. “Hurry…”

I smirked, releasing him from my mouth and tearing the foil open. “Still so needy, Johnny~”

He turned his eyes away from me. “Just hurry up and make me cum.”

“Hah, funny. I'm the one who should be cumming before you, asshole.”

“If you earn it.” He guided my hand towards his dick, commanding me to roll the condom on. 

I scoffed, pinching the tip of the rubber as i rolled it down his shaft. “If I earn it? You’re seriously bad at trying to be the one in charge.” I lied. His sharp tongued quips and deep tone was sending shivers down my spine. I wanted him to control me, command me, and have me fight tooth and nail against him.

Johnny grabbed me by my arms, hauling me up to my feet and harshly pulling down my leggings. I couldnt even say anymore before his fingers were down my panties. His middle finger was coyly circling my entrance and I knew he was just trying proving his point. Specifically, when his finger made one slow drag up to my clit before sliding back down again. “You were saying?”

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. “Instead of annoying me with your smart ass mouth and your boring repeated tricks, why don’t you repay the favor by eating me out?”

He looked down at me, wrinkling his nose in a face of disgust. “Nah, i'm cool.”

Excuse me?? What? Did he really just deny eating me out? What kind of nonsense was that?!

“Why not? I literally just sucked your dick. It's the least you could do.” i almost growled. I would have much rather had him go down on me and not be such a jerk about it. Maybe i was spoiled. Every single one of my other partners would do it for me, from Taeyong to Quinn to Lucas and everyone in between. Johnny was the worst exception and my mind still toyed with the idea of leaving him here to get off on his own. I felt his finger dip into me again, trying to distract me from my tirade of angry thoughts. I hated him for all the convincing he was doing by filling me with his thick long fingers, furling and unfurling at a pace that made me squirm against him. My anger was slowly dissolving and my hips were grinding into his palm with each thrust. His breath brushed against my ear while his other hand tugged on the hem of my tee.

“Off, now.” He purred against me.

His command was better and more convincing this time. The timbre of his voice made my thighs clench just a bit and brought out the worst in my bratty personality. “Make me.”

I didn’t expect him to laugh in my face. “What are you, twelve? Just take it off.”

“Shut up! You're the one trying to command me and shit!.”

“I thought that's what you liked? Or is that only when you're tied up with your legs open?” He pulled his fingers out of me, my juices glistening under the fluorescent lighting. I stared at them, my tongue coming to drag over my bottom lip as tension filled the minimal space between us. I swallowed back when i saw the way he was looking at me, irritated yet primal in a way. He gave another tug on my shirt and i didnt question it this time. I pulled it over my head, along with my bra, and dropped it to the floor, never taking my eyes off him as he gripped my chin and pushed his cum covered fingers passed my lips.

The way he filled my mouth so easily had me clawing at his waist to keep him against me. My tongue worked over each digit, sucking my taste off before forcing myself down to his knuckles. His brows furrowed as he watched, concentrating on every movement and the way I grabbed at his wrist as if I was pleading to never pull away. I did however manage to regain myself enough to send a taunting question his way. “Remember when you said you were going to finger me so hard you would have me cumming in minutes? That didn't happen last time. Gonna make up for your lie?”

“i wasn’t lying but since you want to test me so bad bend over the fucking sick then, smartass.”

He shoved me towards the sink so fast that I struggled to kick off my converses and leggings so i wouldn't trip. I grabbed onto the sides of the sink, glaring back at Johnny through the mirror that was bolted above it. “You don't have to push me.”

“Aw baby,” he cooed as he lifted my knee onto the edge of the sink. “Dont lie, i know you love this. I’m gonna make you cum all over my cock.”

“Pause. Big pause. Don’t ever, and i mean, EVER say that. It's gross and literally the most unsexy thing someone could ever say.”

He shrugged, his voice dropping in tonality. “Usually girls want me to say shit like that.”

“Get it through your thick skull that i’m not one of your little chickenheads. What works for them doesn't do shit for me. Just...be yourself.” I sighed as I squared my shoulders and looked back at him. “Ok?” I said softly.

He licked his lips and cleared his throat. “What fucking ever.” He was back to his cocky attitude then but for a split second i could see a small shift in his eyes. Maybe it was doubt or him softening up a bit through me calling him out. I hoped it got through to him or else i'd have to use one of Ten’s ball gags every time i was with him.

He resumed his impatient plunges, as if nothing had transpired, discarding whatever feelings that were passing through his thoughts. He pressed his chest into my back, forcing me to stay bent over the small bowl. The pressure of his body against mine continued to build up and overwhelm my endorphins. I braced my hand against the mirror, the heat from it fogging into a print. God, he was such an asshole for making me feel this good.

He gathered my hair in his fist, tugging slightly to angle my head towards the mirror so i could see the smirk on his reflection.“You know i think i like it better when you don't talk either.”

I gave him a spiteful glare as our eyes chased one another before his tongue dove to place lavish licks across my throat. My shoulders tensed at the sensation, fighting to give into carnal desires that seemed to flare up whenever I was with him.

He placed more bites between my shoulder blades mixing them with the still fresh marks from our previous escapade. He joined his destruction of my skin's surface with the curling of his fingers again, pressing the pads of his fingertips against the sensitive area within me. My lips clasped into a impenetrable wall, sealing in my moan while his were flowing freely into my shoulders. I felt his cock burying into my back, the friction of my squirming leading him into torment. My supporting leg seemed to lift up on its own, bringing me to my tip toes, making him get as deep as he could. The torture ceased when i finally gave into his claim, my first orgasm shocking me as it had in fact hit me in minutes. I almost believed i could snap the sink in half with how utterly amazing his fingers were.

My head dipped low as i sank back, trying to recover before he worked me up again. I wanted to rest my propped up leg down on the ground but Johnny kept it pinned in place. He didnt let me have a moment to myself. Instead he vanished inside me so breathtakingly fast that my gasp surrounded us in echoes. His hand forced an iron grip on my hip while his muscles worked to piston into me. I leaned back against his shoulder reminding me of the climax of our first fuck. My eyes were fluttered closed, lips parted and waiting to feel his tongue overrunning mine. The small teasing nibbles to my lips that turned into rumbling bites were enough to make me weak.

Mewls, curses, and begs circulated between us Then it was over. He pulled away without an explanation, a pattern he was performing all too familiarly. He busied himself with kicking off his shoes and stumbling out of his shorts. I knew he hadnt cum yet and i need that deep stretch between my thighs and that radio voice to make me drip. I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for his next move. “Well?”

He showed nothing more than calculated movements to pull me up into his arms, keeping me between his chest and the wall anew. There wasn’t any struggle to lift me, not even so much as a grunt when the muscles in his arms flexed to support my legs and my ass. I watched every inch of him tense; his legs square and steady, his chest rising and falling with each heavy inhale, and his shoulder blades pinching inwards. He was literally beautiful and i despised it. He was making my brain feel as if it was stuck in the clouds and was never going to clear itself of the fog.  He had spread me out for him, my legs dangling over his striated forearms,

I felt him then, his shaft riding between my lower lips to coat himself in my wetness. It was opposite of the rushed thrusts he had moments ago that made my stomach burn. The ridge of his head ghosted across my clit with each upward motion reminding me that the simplistic move was enough to bring me closer to insanity. That sensation was my favorite thing in the world and i ached for more. I held onto his shoulders, stabilizing myself as i inched my hips to meet his in an unwavering continuation of my satisfaction. His eyes flickered down at me, that smug look mocking me. Why did he know how to tease me so well?

I wanted to shove his face away from me but instead i dipped a hand down from his shoulder, my nails scraping against his torso. His eyes followed my fingers, getting wide as he found them spreading myself open for him. I could see his adam's apple bob with a hard swallow. “Fuck...” He shuddered. I felt my back slide down the wall as his hold on me wavered for a second. He hiked me up, repositioning me as he got a hold of himself. He was at a better angle now and the tip of his cock was already pushing past my entrance. I rested my head against the wall trying to distract myself from the way my already sore thighs were shaking and instead concentrate on the returning thrusts.

The slow sweet feeling got my body on edge just as much as the fast pace plowing did. I could feel myself tingling, shuddering each time his head caught a sensitive spot within my walls. Johnny dripped kisses across my breasts as his tongue teased tantric circles around my nipple before capturing it between his plush lips. My back arched, my breast filling his mouth enough for him to bite the swell of it. My breath hiccuped as i felt the sting of his teeth grazing against my skin. I wanted to see the after effects of those perfect rows when i thought of him later on tonight. He kissed at the indentations, creeping his way back up to my neck. 

His motions switched to a rough slam that had his hips forcing me back against the clammy wall as i clutched onto him for dear life. The calculated and harsh thrusts were powerful enough to drive feelings out of me that i preferred to keep repressed. It didn't help at all when his husky fervored radio voice finally groaned in my ear, “Fuck, Eri….you feel so good.”

In my head i was begging him not to stop though all i could get out was little squeaks as my nails etched streaks into his back. He hissed as i clenched around him with as much strength as i could muster, spurring the morphing jagged stutters of his hips faster. Our lips met in a rougher kiss once more, teeth clashing and moans interrupting each grab of our tongues. He was stretching me as he throbbed until the ever euphoric feeling flushed over us together. Our bodies had somehow managed to sync our orgasms which shocked me into silence. Johnny pressed his forehead into my shoulder as he slowed down, riding out the last aching feeling between us. I was tingling all over, my limbs feeling like tv static, as a wave of warmth washed over my skin. Everything about this was a mystery I had to unravel. It was new and different. I had never cum at the same time as my partner before. I always thought it was an enigma that only appeared in movies and tv shows. Now that I was experiencing it I had no idea what to do or say. I looked up at him as i tried to gather myself.

“Shit...uh…” What did you say to someone who made you feel so painstakingly good?

He pulled out of me gently before setting me down on my unstable legs. I diverted my eyes from him and managed to catch my reflection in the mirror. New hickies were all over me flowing with the others and the teeth marks on my chest made the skin tender. The fatigue was setting in hard and i was harshly reminded of the warm September weather that the shitty air conditioning in this building couldn't keep up with. I wanted to shower then sleep forever, maybe with him in my bed.

That minuscule daydream ended as i saw him tossing out the used condom and getting dressed. He was cold and distant like i usually was after a quick fuck..

“See ya.” He said as he pulled his shirt back over his head and grabbed his backpack. I gave him the finger as the door shut behind him, cursing under my breath. I was pretending that it wasn’t phasing me that he was leaving me out in the cold again. I turned on the faucet and ran some water over my neck and chest, trying to cool myself down. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail before wiping the cum that was now making me uncomfortably wet from between my thighs. Getting dressed was a painful ride that i was sure to carry onto my shift at work later on. I took a deep breath before opening the door and sliding back out into the world, less horny but still feeling incredibly reckless.

--

Johnnys POV

I unlocked the door to the apartment, sighing deeply as i still felt the scratches from earlier beneath my backpack. They had bothered me all day during my shift and I had half a mind to curse Eri out. I dropped my backpack to the floor, grateful to get rid of the weight and kicked off my work boots. I ran my fingers through my hair as i took off my hat, setting it on the hook by the door along with my keys. Jae was sprawled out on the couch seeming to have done nothing all day. “Hey dipshit.”

“‘Sup, asshole.” he replied.

“I’m fucking starving.” I announced as i headed over to the kitchen. I opened the freezer and took out the frozen pizza i had been thinking about all day. I had barely eaten since i had started my shift this afternoon and at this point i would eat everything if our fridge wasn’t so empty.

“Hey i got you something.” I heard Jae call out as i tore open the box and pulled out the pizza.

“What?”

“Look.”

I turned back to see a little plastic baggie dangling from his fingers. I rushed back to him snatching it up. “Fuck! Where'd you get this from? Matt?”

“Yeah, i managed to have enough for the good shit.”

“Thank fuckin' god because Josh kept giving us mostly stems.” I replied. “I'm gonna put some food in the oven in a sec, if you wanna share.”

He nodded. “What are you making?”

“Pizza, i dont think we have another one but ill double check. Oh, we need screens.” I headed into my room for a moment, grabbing my bowl off my dresser and searching for the screens i had….somewhere. I opened my drawer and moved some of my underwear around, searching for the stupid little envelope. “For the love of tits, where is it? JAE! You got any screens left?”

“Fuck if i know.” he called back.

Thanks for helping, asshole. I went to check my desk drawer, pushing aside some of my sd cards, lighters, and notebooks until I finally found the tiny manilla envelope with the mesh screens for the bottom of my bowl. I went back to the living room and handed them over to Jae. “You wanna get it ready? Im gonna put the pizza in.”

He sat up and grabbed his grinder that was on the coffee table. “Yep. Can we use your good lighter? Mine barely has any juice left.”

We always use my good lighter. I rolled my eyes and tried to hide my annoyed sigh. I couldn't be too picky. He did get me good weed after all. “Yeah, no problem, bro.” I left him to work and shuffled back to the kitchen, getting out a cookie sheet and slapping the pizza on it, sans plastic. I looked in the freezer to see if we had anything else I could whip up. There was some left over frozen fries and onion rings. I shrugged and dumped them onto the cookie sheet, shoving the pizza aside a bit. That was good enough. I tossed it in the oven and set the timer for like 20 minutes.

I sat down beside Jae on the couch just as he was lighting the bowl, taking in a big inhale before handing it to me. I did the same, waiting a bit before exhaling, my eyes resting on the rerun of Rick and Morty he had put on. I thought about telling him what happened between Eri and I this afternoon. We normally told each other about who we fucked but i felt like i wasn't going to hear the end of his bitching if I did. Oh well. I had a mental shrug before taking another hit. “So….i fucked Eri again today.”

“Damn, for real?” He looked over at me in disbelief, shaking his head a bit. “I knew you were whipped for her.”

“Fuck off, i am not. She’s just you know…hot.” As in ridiculously cute even though she was not the usual type i went for. “And she has nice tits.” As in they fit so perfectly in my hands and i wish i could hold them all day, that i could hold her all day… “And shes tight as fuck, to be honest.” As in, i could hardly give a shit about that but she feels so damn good that my mind just turns to mush when im inside her. “Oh, and shes good at giving brain.” As in, her lips are literally a gift to this damn world and all i could think about was kissing them...but also yeah, she gives good brain too.

“Damn, her pussy must be that special to end your one night stand streak then. What happened to ‘only get her snap or instagram so she cant call you’, or ‘only ask for nudes’, or ‘fuck her and leave and dont ever text her back’?”

“The dick wants what the dick wants, bro.” I said before taking another hit. I really wished she would get out my head. I was stuck with her though. For an entire semester i had to stare at the way she twirled her hair around her finger as she tried to look back at me and hope that i didnt notice. I noticed it all and it only made it worse. Everything about her was frozen in my head like a damaged vhs tape caught in the same scene. Even at work i was fucking up coffee orders because i would remember the little moans she made in my ear or some other gay shit. Sometimes i would think about tracing my fingers over her tattoos and seeing what other things turned her on. I hated this. I needed to separate myself from her. Sleeping with her again was a mistake.

“You good or are you just spacing out from the weed?” Jae laughed.

I blinked quickly and looked at him, suddenly coming out of my funk. I had no idea how long I spaced out for or however many hits i took. It was kind of an unconscious motion at this point. I laughed nervously trying to cover up that i had been thinking about Eri. “Oh yeah, haha. Shit's good. I'm gonna check on the food ok?”

“I think the timer went off.” He shrugged as he packed another bowl. I went to check the food, taking my phone with me. I was secretly hoping that i would have a snap from Eri. There was nothing. I should've been happy because it meant i could cut ties and not have her in my room again (or bathroom for that matter). But a feeling in my stomach kept tugging. It was if my gut was telling me to just take the chance and message her again. We barely talked otherwise. Even today i just left her in the bathroom because it was what i was used to even though I felt like I should’ve said more. That orgasm was fuckin’ insane-better than anything I had ever had before. Maybe one more little hook up wouldn’t kill me. No. I was starting to break my own rules.

I wanted to slam my head against the wall with all this back and forth bullshit in my mind. I needed to smoke more; until my head got foggy, my eyes blurry, and i could laugh this feeling away. I opened the oven and stared at the food for awhile, trying to gauge if everything was cooked without actually touching it. I cocked my head to the side, watching the slow bubbling of the pizza cheese and listening to the sizzle of the fries that were just starting to crisp.

“Is it done?!”

I stepped back from the oven, wiping away the sweat on my forehead that had started to accumulate from being in front of the heat for so long. I looked around for a potholder, finding it on the floor because Jae could never pick anything up. I pulled the tray out and grabbed a plate for myself. “Come get your own shit!”

I grabbed a knife and started hacking away at the pizza, trying to get it into slices. I was so focused on trying to unstick it from the tray i almost didnt notice the two quick vibrations that went off as my phone screen flashed on. I tried not to look at it right away since Jae was making his way over to the kitchen. If i didn’t play it cool he would go back to bitchin’ about me hooking up with Eri again. He started picking off fries from the tray, opening and closing his mouth to try in get cold air in, instead of waiting for it to cool like a normal human being. Meanwhile, I managed to get half a slice of pizza unstuck and dropped it onto my plate before joining it with some onion rings. I picked up my phone, making sure Jae was too engrossed with eating to see what Eri had sent me.

It was a picture of her neck and shoulders. The new hickies from today that had amassed into a weird purple splotch on her skin. Her caption was ‘can you not? I do have to go to work you know lol’. I smirked. Seeing them all over her made me feel something. Like i had marked my territory? Eww no. That sounded gross. Maybe i liked seeing a reminder of me on her? It was feeding into my thoughts of ‘maybe she was thinking about me too’. My thumbs hovered over my keyboard for a solid minute. I didnt want to sound like an idiot or worse, a desperate idiot.

Text me when ur free?

I hit send in the chat section then typed out my number. I never did that. Never fucking ever. I was kicking myself mentally already. She wasn’t going to text back. I set my phone in my pocket and pulled off more pizza from the tray and went to the couch, alternating between eating, smoking, and feeling my body start to give into sleep. “Dont sleep on the couch.” I yawned at Jae, seeing him start to slump over on the armrest.

“I’m chill. I had a productive day of not giving a fuck and staying home. Go snap your girlfriend.” he laughed.

“Go text yours.” I got up and shuffled to my room, slamming the door behind me. I tossed my phone onto my bed and took off all my clothes, kicking them towards the giant pile of laundry on my floor. I shook off a condom wrapper that stuck to my foot then fell face first into the mattress. My body felt heavy. I hoped i would stay asleep through the night this time and wake up not needing 4 Americanos to start the day. I felt a vibration through my bed and poked my head up from my pillow.

I guess im free

Dumbass

I immediately saved her number.

Cool

Slut

I could feel a smile start to form on my lips and i shoved my face back into my pillow. If i suffocated myself enough i’d end my misery. I wouldn't need to wait for my heart stop beating so fast if i was dead. Minutes passed by and there wasn’t another message. I waited just a bit longer, until my eyelids felt heavy and i dove deep into the void.

The void was sometimes peaceful but it never really lasted long. There were times where it shifted into an ocean and made me choke on the waters of my mental distress. Other times it was a sterile room, bright and menacing. It housed my body on a slab that couldn't move, my mouth wired shut and my inability to scream permeating my mind until all i did was panic. The worst of times it was a monster that sucked me back into a realm of corrupted childhood innocence and i could never escape the horrors of being chased. It felt so stupid that i could do all this to myself but never had a way to stop it. The fear was overwhelming, creeping through each nerve until all that was left was the suffocating silence and the streaks of tears on my cheeks that smothered me in emotions that were usually locked away and buried under time and ignorance. I was fading into a forgotten mess and still trying to claw my way up, reaching for absolutely anything that could pull me out.

“Hello?....Johnny?”

I gasped as my body yanked upright. My room was stuffy and heated. My sheets stuck to my sweat drenched body, clinging like a second skin. I looked down at my hands that were slowly coming into view as i blinked away tears.

“Johnny???”

I looked around in the darkness of my room. I had no idea where that voice was coming from. Was i just imagining things? Was i even actually awake? I spotted my phone, the screen glowing as it showed an ongoing call to Eri. I picked it up, trying to even out my breath. “H-hello?”

“Dude, its like 4am. Why are you calling me?” she sounded groggy and irritated.

“So-sorry. I uh...i think i might've rolled over onto my phone and dialed you. Didn't mean to wake you.”

“You sound out of breath. Did you call me while you're fucking someone?!”

“No...seriously i’m not. I-i-i gotta go.” I hung up instantly, not wanting to dwell in my weakness. I didn't need her to know about my suffocating anxiety forced night terrors. I didn't need anyone to know about those. I wasn't sure if i rolled over onto my phone or picked it up and dialed her in my sleep. I assumed i had done it more so on accident. Who knows how much thrashing i did this time. I laid back down, kicking off the sticky blankets and instead focusing on the dozens of messages i had missed in the group chat since i had fallen asleep.

--

The Boys Group Chat

Jae: the king has been bested lol

Taeyong: ohhh shit what happened now?

Jae: the one night stand turned into another fuck

Ten: wait he fucked eri again????

Jae: 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Jae: yup

Ten: holy shit

Taeyong: holy shit is right

Taeyong: thats like...

Taeyong: i mean hes never done that

Jae: not since we became friends

Jae: its been like 2 yrs since we met too

Ten: oh how the mighty have fallen

Johnny: can yall not???

Johnny: like i can literally read everything youre sending

Johnny: i havent fallen anywhere

Ten: hell yeah you have. Youre literally trapped now

Johnny: im not fucking trapped. Its done and over with. Were not gonna fuck again

Yuta: ok bro whatever u say tbh

Johnny: get out of here yuta

Yuta: 👅👅👅👅👅👅

Taeyong: dont listen to them. Ten and yuta drool over her every time she comes near them. Theyre like addicted or something

Taeil: ive seen you commenting a few times on her ig ty. Seems like theyre not the only ones addicted

Taeyong: ive literally just liked a few of her posts! So fucking what? That doesnt mean anything!

Taeil: you were literally staring at her at the party

Taeyong: yeah because you were trying to do your innocent boy schtick!

Ten: ty no matter how much you want to deny it you want her too

Johnny: shes literally not that great. I was just horny today after class. Yall need to chill

Jae: ok but if you hook up with her a third time then we know ur for sure whipped

Johnny: fucking choke. Pls.

Yuta: once you get used to her she aint so bad

Johnny: im cool. Trust.

Ten: hes too vanilla for her lolol

Johnny: fuck off. At least i dont have to like strangle myself to get off

Ten: awww chokings fun j-suh. Im surprised she hasnt asked you to do it yet

Johnny: well i mean like

Johnny: she kinda leaned into my hand a bit

Johnny: on saturday i mean. But it was weird so i just moved it

Ten: lmaooooo pussy

Yuta: dude just do it. She just gets this look in her eyes and its fucking insane

Jae: can yall not right now? Im about to puke

Taeil: im sure shes fine having normal sex. You act like every waking moment with her has to be kinky

Johnny: i havent had any complaints yet either

Taeil: yet? As in youre actually planning for another time? Lol

Johnny: GOOD NIGHT ASSHOLES

ten: #whipped

Yuta: #johnnyiserisbitch

Jae: then what does that make u two?

Yuta: her fuckin doms, dumbass 😂😂😂

Jae: what does that even mean????

Taeyong: even i know what that means jae damn. How dumb are you?

Jae: its just weird! Idk!

Yuta: it means when ten and i fuck her we control everything about her

Taeil: jfc

Ten: its a gift what can i say

(Downloading picture)

Johnny: Yuta are you fucking serious rn bro?

Taeil: Did you really take a picture of her tied up and gagged?

Yuta: lmao yeah. why fckn not? its hot

Johnny: how many pics of her do you have?

Yuta: lol so fucking many

Ten: ive got videos too 😏😏

Yuta: i mean theyre all up for grabs in case you want em 😜

Taeil: dont you think you shouldn't be sending those without her permission?

Yuta: i can dm u them

Taeil: yeah tbh

Taeyoung: youre just as bad as everyone else

Taeil: 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Johnny: cut it out

Ten: boo yall are no fun at all

Yuta: anyway just dont fuck her again or else ull get trapped

Johnny: like you two are?

Ten: guilty tbh

Yuta: mood

Jae: yall need to sleep

Jae: asap

Jae: and stop bugging me

Taeil: mute the damn chat duh

Johnny: i gotta get back to bed too

Johnny: morning shift tomorrow

Taeyong: wack but same

Taeyong: ill see you guys

Ten: nighty nighty tae tae😚😚😚

Jae: ten ur gay is showing. No homo

Ten: literally all the homo. Anyway tell us again if you fuck eri

Ten: and ill let you know what happens on thursday ;)

Johnny: id rather not know and not fuck her again if ur gonna touch her

Taeil: i mean u basically already have so….

Johnny: shut up

Yuta: 😂😂😂😂

Yuta: dumbass

Taeil: im dipping out but ill let you guys know if she comes to the library ✌👅

Jae: eww dont talk about that

Taeyong: stop being such a kid and just go down on her

Johnny: off limits for damn sure

Ten: i'm telling you she wont keep you around if you dont

Johnny: good lets keep it that way

[wonpilang]

Names V

Genre: angst? fluff???

Pairing: Chanyeol x reader 

Part I Part ii  Part iii Part iv 

Note: I KNOW ITS BEEN FOREVER SINCE I POSTED BUT I GOT SO BUSY WITH COLLEGE AND I GOT WRITERS BLOCK BUT IM BACK I SWEAR (this is not the best but its been in my drafts for so long and I decided its time) 

Unedited.

You ran out of the building so fast Chanyeol was wheezing as you both stopped right outside of the parking lot. You were still crying but it felt good to finally say what you had to say to Jongdae. Chanyeol gripped your hand and smiled at you when you looked up at him.

“I’m proud of you, you know?” you smiled whipping your face and blushed. Chanyeol stared down at you with admiration almost and you could not believe how dumb you were to not notice how handsome and kind he was all this time.

“Thank you, and I’m sorry if I have been so confusing and hard to deal with but just know that I am glad to have you by my side.” you told him holding his hand tightly. Why does his lips look so kissable? you asked yourself. Before you could do or say anything Yura came outside with a trailing Jongdae behind.

“Yn, Chanyeol I am so sorry for Jongdae’s behavior” she exclaimed as she walked up to you two. 

“Well it is not okay, look Jongdae how about you stop being an ass-” you cut Chanyeol off before he can say anything more. 

“It’s okay Chanyeol, I don’t care anymore.” 

“Huh?” Chanyeol looked at you surprised. Jongdae also looked at you wide eyed, you and Jongdae made eye contact and laughed.

“I love you Jongdae, just not in the way you think I do. You were my best friend, my brother. You and Yura is what I aspire to become with Chanyeol, my real soulmate.” You told him. You lift up your sleeve to reveal Chanyeol’s name replacing Jongdae’s. Yura squealed in happiness as you looked up to Chanyeol shyly. 

“Yn..when did you?” Chanyeol gasped as he softly held your wrist in his hands tracing the name on your arm. 

“I noticed it at the library earlier today when I went to the restroom, I was going to tell you but I just did not know how” you explained to him. Chanyeol looked like he was about to cry and held your hand tightly. You looked at Jongdae who had been silent the entire time. He opened his mouth to say something and just shook his head walking away from both you and Chanyeol. 

“Jongdae wait- crap I have to go, congratulations you guys keep me updated!” Yura smiled as she ran after Jongdae. You laughed at her as she ran after your former best friend and couldn’t help but think how lucky Jongdae was to have found such a sweet soulmate. 

“Yn?” you heard your name come out of Chanyeols mouth, you turned around humming a soft yes when you felt his lips touch yours. Your eyes widen in shock, this is the first time you and Chanyeol kissed and god did you love it. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he pulled you closer to him. You felt complete in this moment, you could feel your mark tinginly. He truly was your one and only soulmate. You felt sadden by the fact that Chanyeol knew you were his all along but kept it to himself because you were blindly pinning over someone who was supposed to be your soulmate, when it was just a mistake a glitch all along. 

“Get a room!”  you heard someone shout. You and Chanyeol pulled away laughing while you buried your head into his chest embarrassedly. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night day you and Chanyeol made if official and you have never been so happy. The only thing that you were missing however was your former best friend Jongdae. He may not be your soulmate, but you did love him truly and you missed his goofiness. You both grew up together so it just felt so weird avoiding him and avoiding your families questions. It’s been three days since the hamburger incident and Jongdae is continuing to ignore you. You have come to terms that you and Jongdae would probably never be friends ever again and that hurt. The only thing that kept you happy was knowing that you had Chanyeol by your side. He made you strong and you were just so happy yo have him in your life. You were broken out of thought when you heard a knock from your door. Knowing that Chanyeol was currently at work and your parents on vacation you walked up to your door confused. You opened the door to a nervous Jongdae. 

“Jongdae? Um can I help you?” you asked standing close to the door. He sigh and rubbed his neck.

“Can I come in? I want to talk to you” he told you serious. You folded your arms and shook your head.

“What ever you need to say could be said right here” you told him. He smiled soft at you and nodded his head. 

“Yeah I probably deserve that attitude of yours, I have been a dick-”

“Yeah no shit” you cut him off. 

“I came here to apologize Yn” He told you. You scoffed at him and rolled your eyes.

“No Yn I do truly apologize, fuck I never meant to be a complete dickhead okay I’m just so sorry I am the worse guy in the universe and I understand if you never want to speak to me again but I just need my best friend back” he cried sofly as he spoke to you. You looked at Jongdae in shock as tears fell down his face.

“Yn I did all those things because I did not want you to become attached to me when I had found my soulmate, I thought that the only way for you to move on and find someone better for you, a second soulmate was to make you hate me, despise me but all I did was hurt you and I am so sorry” he apologized as you wrinkled your face in confusion.

“Wait what do you mean a second soulmate?” you asked him.

“I- The day you told me you had my name I was so confused at first but I remember reading about this, when someone has the wrong name, a glitch like you did. This happens when one became too attached to a close friend or person in general and error will happen like in your case. The only way to break this error, to make things right was to detach that person from their lives and hopefully hope they found their true soulmate, which you did. But I did it the wrong way, I hurt you I made you hate me and I lost my best friend.” he told you as he cried. Your hands flew to your mouth in shock as tears also started to roll down your cheek. This whole time all Jongdae was doing was protecting you? This whole time Jongdae purposely made you hate him so you could find happiness? You cried softly and hugged Jongdae tighly.

“You idiot” was all you said. 

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[clandestine-rabbit]

Random story #3

Here we go again folks.

So my friend Angel was in town so he asked if I wanted to meet him and his gf to hang at the library. I was planning on it already so I headed there (where I currently am but I stayed after they left. Anyway) so I got here earlier than Angel did so I was chilling working on a doodle when I saw a sweater that looked weirdly familiar and i couldn't figure out why but I payed no mind and kept drawing. Finally i get a text from Ange and his gf's friend was at the library so we were all gonna hang. I didn't think anything of it and said okay cool see ya soon.

Again I saw the sweater closer but still ignored it, the guy walked by me and his sneakers looked weirdly familiar too and i couldn't figure out why but I figured I'd seen them maybe on a drawing character or just on some random person. Angel texts where are you and I tell him I'm in the back corner of the library.

So Angel walks around a bookcase, his wonderful gf behind him.

And y'all know who her friend was?

Can ya guess? I'll give you a bit

......

It was Mr. Fall-Out-Boy-are-sell-outs

He looked like he'd shit his pants when he saw me but no way was i going to ruin Angel's time in the city so i just greeted them both and Angel's gf introduced me to the dude by my nickname (which may as well be my name now). We all sat down and caught up, Angel introduced me to new music and I showed him new bands too, his GF talked to me about college while tge guy, I'll call him V, was practically squirming in his chair.

GF is an absolute angel btw, not kidding. She's sweet and nice, but I'll admit when I say she's a lot more firmer than I am that when someone's appears nice they always are (not that i think everyone's evil, I just don't always think someone's always Sunshine's and rainbows). She turned to V and asked if he was okay cause he'd been dead silent the whole time. He just said sure and that he was a little under the weather.

I didn't say anything, Angel and me were just talking and he asked if I'd recorded singing Victoria yet (Arma Angelus). I said i hadn't cause I was still trying to figure out how to do so when this conversation happened and O O F I wish I could've recorded his face.

GF: what's Victoria?

Me: oh here *hands her phone and earbuds* I like Arma Angelus

GF: *has a look of surprise on her face when it plays* oh! I didn't know you like this stuff

Me: mhm

V: *thinks I don't hear him* Fall out boy trash

Me: *I stare at him blankly, he starts to squirm again* what was that? I think you're feeling a little down, maybe you should head home

V: maybe you should fuck off

GF: *takes earbuds out because i had the volume low for her* V what the hell did you say?

V: she's being rude

GF: okay first of I told you Chicago is a they, it's not hard to remember. Second, they just said maybe you should head home if you feel that crummy

V: I'm FINE

Angel, who has been looking at me while i mouth "hes the guy" because i told him the story: hey V, look, just cool down okay? Chicago didn't mean anything by it. We're just worried about you

V: *is glaring at me but I've won this round, as if there'd be more and OH IS THERE*

GF: well anyway Chicago. That was a pretty cool song, what are they again?

Me: Amra Angelus but they're gone now. You can however find the vocalist in.... *I whipped out my drawing bag, on it are little 16 candles fall out boy pins* fall out boy!

GF: *is now laughing, cause I'm smooth like that* oh wow really? Oh wait is it the bassist, I think Angel mentioned that

V: wait you like those sell outs *he starts glaring at angel* you're kidding right?

Angel: I'm sorry you think they're sell outs but yes I like them, especially Andy

Me and GF: oooooooooh (we ways tease him about his crush on andy)

V: wait you're GAY? (I almost strangled him) *to GF* Why are you dating a gay dude

GF: He's bi, V. Jesus what is wrong with you today?

V: whats wrong with ME? why are you friends with that *points at me* and why are you dating a gay guy *points at Angel*

(Remember how I said this got better? Here we go : ) )

V: I happen to have known the dudes in arma and they would've curb stomped you to the street *talking to me*

GF and Angel stand up, pretty sure GF is ready to break V's face but I start smiling.

Me: okay? I mean if they wanted to kill soke kid for just being the way they are then fine

V, looking like a freshly picked tomato: you fucking crazy bitch. You like a bunch of sell outs, fall out boy are shit dudes. What was it, didn't the drummer try to shoot himself? Oh and that basssit dude almost died in a Best buy. What a pussy

--interrupting story time--

Don't

Ever

Bring up

What Andy said to me

Or what happened to Pete

If you're going to insult them and call them weak in my face

--back to our schedule--

Im 5'3/4", I'm a tiny bean and I'm mainly chub but I will still knock you down. I stood up to beat this fucker cause I was DONE but GF must've summoned the god of patience because she placed her hand on my shoulder and gently sat me back down, Angel sat down but was obviously angry still.

GF, with the kindest calmest voice I've ever heard: V, you are no longer my friend and I want nothing to do with you. I don't know anything about Arma Angelus or Fall out boy but Chicago is my friend and I won't listen to you say those kinds of things to them. Please leave the table before I get a librarian and tell her you've started getting agressive and need to leave.

V looked like he was going to say something then, at that point i was crying because I was so mad and angel had pulled ne into a hug, GF sat back down and looked at him expectantly before saying in the most terrifyingly calm tone that i swear could've frozen the whole library in a block of ice

"I said get the fuck out of here or I'll be the one to curb stomp you're homophobic ass into a pile of mush"

I've never seen anyone run that fast but he was gone. Immediately GF was apologizing and hugging me, she was crying because she didn't know how awful V was and when Angel told her about how he'd been rude to me yesterday the poor girl looked like I was a kicked puppy. We hung out for a bit longer, got some Burger King, then said goodbye

And hopefully that is the last i will see of V

[feel199x]

street racer!lee minho, gods of olympus! au

⚡ chapters: I II III IV V VI  masterlist

⚡  a/n: there’s like. So Much Sexual Tension that i didn’t intend and its not gonna go anywhere,,, im sorry but Minho’s hoe spirit possessed me while i wrote this chapter

⚡ warnings: sexual tension?? does that count??

⚡ song rec: angel of small death & the codeine scene

Minho hadn’t called you on the bus ride home, nor did he show up at your apartment the night. He didn’t call you the following nights either. He was, however making your life a fuck ton harder. For three full days, it had been pouring. The first day you had made the mistake of riding in the rain, figuring it would’ve cleared up by the afternoon. But it hadn’t. You had to get to an afternoon class, but you had no spare money to afford riding the bus every day to work. Being a broke college student was difficult, but not everyone could make their weight in money with illicit activities. You didn’t really mind the rain as long as you were inside. The pattering of raindrops against your window was comforting, and it helped calm your nerves as you studied, even if the person causing it was an asshole. You hadn’t blocked Minho’s number, not yet anyway, but figured that he had probably ghosted you anyway- so it didn’t matter.

Besides, you never paid much attention to boys, anyway. Your studies were more important to you, and you literally could not afford to lose the scholarships you busted your ass in high school to get. You knew college would be hard, but you had no idea it would be this difficult. None of these questions made sense- but you needed to study. You never struggled this much with Criminology concepts, but you found yourself rereading the same parts over and over, it wasn’t clicking. It was two am now, and you had a class at eight, ten, noon, and then a shift at the bakery- where you were filling in for a co-worker who had gotten sick. You weren’t even planning on falling asleep, but you woke up from your alarm, wiping drool from your lip as you got up.

This was just your life, it could be worse. You could be in a lot more debt, and your mental health could plummet- but it hadn’t, not yet. You knew if you kept pushing yourself like this than he would eventually crash and burn, but whatever. At least you would go out in a burning glory. You shook your head at the thought, mentally scolding yourself. Recovery didn’t work if you weren’t constantly checking yourself- as annoying as it was, it worked. You promised yourself and made a reminder on your phone to take a day off this week. You needed to relax, or next thing you know you would find yourself attached to your bed, glued to it with tears and a sweaty sadness.

You walked into the lecture hall, being the first one as you always were because you made it a point to actually ask for help. But the professor and his regular t.a wasn’t there.

“Are you lost?” He smiled and laughed as if you had said something funny. You grew anxious and insecure, it wouldn’t be the first time people had teased you like that. “No, not at all,” he said, “I’m the new teacher’s assistant.” You eyed him suspiciously, “What happened to the last one?” He pulled up his sleeves, and you felt embarrassed as he revealed his veiny arms. He twirled his pen and smiled again at you.

“He’s under a new teacher, now.”

“Who?”

“Mr. Park.”

“That’s a convenient answer.”

“It’s the convenient truth.”

“What’s your name?”

“Chan, darl-”

“Oh, fuck off.”

He crossed his arms, slightly surprised at your boldness. “Pardon?” You groaned, gripping your school supplies. “You’re one of those high and mighty gods, right? You and Minho can fuck right off.” He eased into the desk chair, chuckling to himself. “He’s already messed up, huh? I promised I wouldn’t interfere, but-”

“You also could’ve lied about your name.”

“Slip of the tongue. I doubt you wouldn’t figure it out, anyway.”

“What do you want?”

“To help.”

“With what? I’m done with Minho.”

“But you like him.”

“So? Doesn’t mean he’s not an asshole. I’m not here to teach him how to love, what kind of outdated shit is that? I don’t care that you’re a god, and I don’t care that he’s a god. Means fuck all to me.”

“Ah, you’re smart. Athena took well in creating you. But, it is fated. You’ll teach him one way or another.”

“Chan?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t give a shit.”

You probably could’ve reviewed the material with Chan, and maybe he was a nice guy- but you didn’t want to deal with anyone that was even slightly supernatural. You weren’t even going to look at your horoscope. You just wanted to graduated and take the bar exam, hell, maybe even try for a spot at a place with higher level cases. But one thing you were not about to do was about to do is let yourself slip into a game of cat and mouse, you were here to study. If you needed to take a break, you would- but “taking a break” didn’t mean worrying about a boy. If you wanted to worry, you would take the practice bar exam again.

You found the professor calling on you an absurd amount of times, and you shot Chan a death glare. He winked at you, a stupid smirk on his face and shrugged. You heard peers murmur, but Chan just looked amused, even winking at some of them. Were all gods like this? If Chan, the leader of the gods was this chaotic, how would you deal? Being the one you thought you’d like the most, you were severely disappointed. You flew out of your seat as the class ended, but found yourself caught in a sea of eager college students- you were so close to making your way out of the lecture hall doors when your professor called you.

“____, I’m sorry about being late this morning, but I had an incident with my car. I still have to solve the issue, but Chan can stay after. He said you were struggling with theory? I’ve provided a practice exam for you to Chan. Please don’t leave until you’ve got a passing grade.” He left unceremoniously, bidding a polite goodbye as he walked the both of you to a college library.

“I’m not struggling with theory.”

“You’ll start to. You have a bad habit of not knowing your limits.”

“Thanks, Sherlock.”

You sat a table in the back, a room reserved for group studies. “I have another class soon.”

“It’s taken care of, love. I’m going to get some coffee, please don’t go.”

You sighed, you had to finish the practice test after Chan explained the material, and it was unrealistic to think you’d be able to get to your second class. You could use a break anyway, it’s not like missing one creative writing class would kill you. Not physically anyway.

“Here you go,” he plopped a cup on the table, along with a pastry bag, “you should eat.”

“Are you actually going to help me study?”

“Sure, but I think we should talk about Minho first.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

He shut your textbook gently and pulled it away from you. “There’s a lot to talk about. I know Minho can be the worst, but there’s a lot more to him. I know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to trust me.” You wrapped your hands around the coffee cup, the warmth spreading to your hands. The rain was still pouring if it continued the town would flood. You didn’t understand why Minho was being so intense, maybe you shouldn’t have snapped but it wasn’t like he was a saint either.

“Why should I trust you?”

“I’m the one who sent him down here- well, with some pressure from the fates but still. I promise I’m the sanest up there, well second to Woojin.”

“Then why isn’t Woojin here?”

“He’s solving some other matters.”

“Like?”

“Ah, I can’t tell you that. But we’re moving away from the point. Just talk to Minho, honestly, once.”

“Already tried.”

“I know, but hopefully, I can help.”

“W-?”

Chan snapped his fingers, shooting you a somewhat apologetic look but turned to Minho looking smug. “What do you want?” You laughed, crossing your arms and leaning back into the cushioned seat. “Do you have something you want to say?” he snapped, “Oh wait, you already had your tantrum in the most expensive restaurant in town.” You knew better than to provoke Minho in this state, he knew what words that to use to hurt- and if he got any angrier, he would lose control. You weren’t laughing at him in the first place rather than yourself for getting into this situation. But whatever, Minho took it personally and even though you were tired of always being the bigger person- someone had to be. You didn’t even glare at him, you uncrossed your arms let them lay on top of your legs.

“Minho, be respectful.”

“Why are you even here? Fuck off.”

“I’m still your leader Minho, watch your tone. If you didn’t want to be found, you should’ve made an effort.”

Minho pulled away, sinking into the seat and tapped his fingers on the wooden table, settling to glare at you instead. “I thought you were letting me go back to Olympus.” You pulled your books into your lap, knuckles turning white from your grip. “I should go,” you nodded at Chan, “it was nice to meet you, Chan.” He shook his head, and as you tried to open the door, you found that it was just conveniently jammed. “Look, I don’t wanna do this but you guys need to talk it out,” he started, “And the sexual tension is killing me, Jesus.” You turned, taking your hand off of the knob. You let your bag fall to the side and slid back down to the seat, watching as the campus paths filled with large puddles of water. “Look, Minho, I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. But you were flirting with a waiter, and not to mention you let me get arrested.”

“Is that seriously what this is about? What are you, five?”

“You’re not exactly known for being loyal, Minho.”

“You’re supposed to be a mediator!”

“I’m mediating you being a bitch boy.”

“I am not! That’s bold coming from someone-”

“Can I leave?” you didn’t mean to interrupt, okay you did- whatever Minho was about to say was probably something personal, “I have a class and I need to get there early.” Minho scoffed at you and you sighed.

“Okay, what? What’s your fucking problem?”

“I took you to the best restaurant in town, and you threw a tantrum.”

You laughed in disbelief, leaning over the table and looked at him.”The sexual tension is like, literally suffocating me,” Chan said loudly, “I’m still here, you know, I’m asphyxiating.” Both of you ignored him, breaths hitched with the attention fixated on each other, suddenly infatuated with the tension in the room. “You flirt because you’re insecure. You thought I’d get bored, so you tried to prove that you’re available, bitch boy.” You weren’t sure it came from, the compulsion that came over you. A ripple of surprise washed over, but he quickly retaliated. Minho’s face as he leaned forward, pushing you back. “You’re just scared you can’t handle me. True, you don’t wanna fix me- but you’re scared that you’re not as exciting as my past lovers.” You were staring at each other now, both of you hauntingly relaxed but maintaining an aura of intimidation around one another. “I don’t need to be exciting, you’re just obsessed with me because I put you in your well-deserved place. You’ve been kept in a bubble all this time. It just gives you the hots when someone doesn’t worship the ground you walk on.” He licked his lips and smiled, “Actually, I think you’re the one who needs to be put in place. You’re too arrogant. You need to learn that I’m god from Olympus, babe- I deserve to be worshipped.” You leaned closer, your breath hot on his face as he watched, lips millimeters away from his but you brushed your lips against his ear instead, whispering lowly as the hair on his neck rose, “Over my dead body, babe.”

He spoke again as you moved back to leave, his finger ran across your lip and you refused to give him the satisfaction of moving away. “If you think you’re so high and mighty then race me,” he tilted his head and brought his lips close to yours, “I mean, if you’re not scared, babe.” You placed your thumb on his chin, tilting it up. This wasn’t like you, but you’d be damned if he was going to win this little show-off. Your nose and forehead were pressed against his as you spoke lowly, “You’re the one who should be scared, babe.”

[tempestshakes01]

happy and anxious. 

happy because i love my apartment and i love Lil Cup of Joe. he is a terror and the sweetest boy ever, and i feel so much love for him. this is why i can’t be around an animal for an extended period of time. i will die for any creature i get attached to and lil joe is now my baby. 

but i am anxious because i put of working when my brother brought home a puppy. he didn’t ask me to, but he’s an idiot who’s never home and bought a puppy to make him come home. i gave him 3 days and when his habits didn’t change, joe was being left alone and untrained, and i needed a running buddy--well, i took over. joe’s now potty-trained and knows a few (one) command. i take him everywhere to socialize him. he’s mine. but i’ll never say that to nick. who still needs to go therapy. i don’t know him. i don’t know what goes on in that head of his. it’s like we switched personalities in our 20s. i went from the quiet, serious type to basically a manic 13 yr old boy. he went from a wildly charismatic clown to a brooding hipster. what makes him laugh? what is he thinking? what is he passionate about? how does he talk to other ppl for hours but he can barely speak to his family for more than half of one? what did we do?

i got really angry the other night thinking about the fights i’ve had with my parents this past year. 

1) washington d.c. - mom and i got into to it in front of the fuckin white house at dusk. i was so emotional and upset at being there, right there where trump fucks over our country, and my mom was being...well, the woman fox news molded. i was furious and trying to keep it nice, so i asked if we could just stop. stop talking. i was gonna blow up. and my mom was like, “why do we stop when you say stop, but when i ask to stop, you continue?” which...is it true? i didn’t think so, and because i can’t keep my mouth shut, i argued until i walked away. i walked into the crowds and then i kept walking. i kept walking. i kept walking.  

it was terrible. i texted her “i’m gone” and i left. 

i forgot the details but i wandered that area of d.c. got a coffee. tried not to cry. and then...remembered how much trouble my mom’s phone was giving her, that her gps apps weren’t being accurate, that she wasn’t confident at the metro, and that it was now dark. that she was alone in an unfamiliar city with a camera bag strapped to her screaming “i’m a tourist!” 

i felt like utter and complete shit. it was one of the most despicable things i’ve ever done. later, i told some people and they were like “she’s a grown woman! you were both upset!” but no. i can’t make excuses like that. i knew that my mom was scared. i burst into tears. a crazy sobbing girl in the middle of d.c. i immediately texted her and told her to get back to me when she got to the hotel. 

an hour later, back at the hotel, my mom couldn’t even look at me. couldn’t speak to me. i knew i had to apologize and i did, wording it carefully because i walking on a minefield. i again blocked out most of the conversation, but it quickly dissolved into a mess of confessions. i was wrecked. at first because of what happened, but as our conversation turned into an argument, i became furious again. over how she interpreted some of our interactions. over how i “blamed” her for my anxiety and anger. i told her i got my anger from her. that i was slow to it like my father, but when something lit inside me it burned bright and hot and deadly like her. that her grudges and cold shoulders hurt me so, so badly when i was a kid (which she then explained wasn’t a grudge, just her processing her anger...but that was way, way into the night). oh god, it was so bad. so bad. she confessed how she felt about all us kids. told me about her problems with andi and nick. told me she wanted to move away from us. told me she didn’t want a relationship with me or them if it was going to be like this. 

i didn’t sleep. just cried and cried. like i did when i was a kid. sobbed in the bathroom and then under my covers. we barely talked the next day, but it slowly became okay. i didn’t know how to explain how much i loved her, so i tried to show her.      

in the end, we were ok enough. 

2) driving 30 hrs across the country - my dad and i were talking and he told me how he didn’t get us, and that we were hurting mom by rejecting her or something. he was upset and my dad doesn’t get upset, so i got upset and moody. and he was like “why are you like this? just with me? just with us. you’re so cruel.” and i knew it was true but it still took me an hour to snap out of it. and i apologized. 

--

but i feel sometimes angry bc i got the emo dump from both my parents. about both my siblings! and they don’t even talk to them about it! my parents don’t even touch nick anymore! they leave him alone because it’s easier that way and he wouldn’t listen even if they tried to talk to him! and my sister would get super huffy and feel judged and act out in some way and take the kids! so. i get it but i hate it!!! because i got the feelings dump! i got the tears and the hours of psychoanalyzing why we are the way we are! and i hate that i feel burdened by it sometimes?

 i want to be there for my parents but sometimes i’m that petulant child that still wants a mommy and daddy, not two parents who are human and exist with their own emotional life. and that’s so unfair to them and wrong of me, but i feel that way because i’m the child that gets this brunt of this side of them.  

but it’s because in my own way im the most difficult and this shit spills out when i push them. 

--

my parents (mostly mom) are only getting more set in their ways and defensive of their opinions. my mom...my mom who taught me so much about art and the world and appreciating different cultures and music and lived life with such vigor and wonder...i can see that fading and hardening. she’s stubborn about what she like and doesn’t have much interest in anything new. she’s offended and hurt when i gently bring up her how she used to be. 

my dad’s always been this way. very traditional, but kind. spoiled, but hardworking. likes what he likes. but he’s eating more greens. he’ll try what i make because i made it. we listened to latino usa and old radio lab podcasts that whole drive from wa to tx, and he loved it, and we discussed the episodes. and i loved him so much because he gave them a shot and we connected. 

but my mom. my mom. i miss her and she’s right there, but she’s not. and i know i’m part of the reason she’s retreated into herself and her more ‘sturdy’ beliefs and the friends who share them. she’s so quick to judge and harsh about it these days. is it age? is it us? is it this horrible world?

--

i came home to this. i came home and how quickly people change bc i didn’t expect my mom to be so old. in spirit. she’s tired. she doesn’t trust me. we’re working on being gentle. i’m working on not being so quick to anger.

my dad and i...i’m thrilled we’re getting along so well after i treated him like shit during the ~separation years~ between my parents. i was awful to him and he knew why, but he never called me out on it. 

my sis and i are fine. i’m so relieved she got out of that last relationship with that TERRIBLE PERSON and came to her senses, and somewhat grew up. we kick it. she cooks for me. we don’t completely jive cause she’s hood, but can code-switch between worlds, and i’m suburban through and through, so i’m not as cool or smooth as she is. i’m her dorky weird little sister and i appreciate her love for me. 

my brother? a mystery. a complete mystery. 

and i’m reminded of how he called me on my birthday and started weeping and asking about therapy and saying he’s sorry he never believed in my anxiety because it’s true--you don’t ask for, you don’t know why it appears, and it wrecks you. and he deals with it now for no discernible reason and he sounded so, so broken over the phone that i was shaking and crying when we hung up.

but now he’s as chill as ever and takes minimal care of his puppy because the 1st dog he got was pretty hands-off from the jump, but she was grown and pooed and peeded everywhere for months (he says no, but that’s selective memory), so now lil joe is mine and i need to get a job because the lack of structure is killlllllllllllllingggggg me. but i don’t want to leave lil joe :( 

--

it’s funny how i never set out to write all this shit, but it comes spilling out. 

huh. wait.

i left and i worked on myself but then i missed my family.

did i come back to work on the family? to work on my relationship with them? is that my purpose here and why i felt compelled to return?

--

went climbing with GA. i was totally afraid of falling and bouldering isn’t as fun to me as top rope, but i wanna keep at it. 

trying to set something up with B and A. my buds. i love em. 

gotta set something up with L because I have a feeling we’ll be good friends here. and weirdly, BG contacted me even though I haven’t talked to him since college? and even then we weren’t that close. he was just inching toward asking me out and never managed it.

--

fav emmy looks: zendaya (obviously. omg, whatta babe), maisie williams (whatta look, suits her perfectly, killed it), gwen christie (whatta jesus babe), that girl in the billowing mint green dress, anddddd clea duvall (a babe in a tux). 

vm continue to make me sad and hopefully things go well with tour for them. it’s nice to see them getting along with charlie and tanith. with bby charlie and tati and max’s kid coming along...oh boy for scott’s emotions. he’s gonna ignore the HELL out of those sad feeling for what couldvebeen with tess and he’s gonna plan hard for his and j’s future offspring instead. (can i also predict that i think one thing scott’s gonna have trouble with in his marriage--oddly enough--is keeping the marriage a partnership and not bulldozing over his spouse with his wants and needs ...wait, that’s not odd lol) 

--

anyway, gotta take joe out to pee. gotta get to bed soon because i wanna be on the trails by 7am and then maybe to the climbing gym. this face maybe a potato but my body can improve! (i’m thicc at the moment thanks to texas food 🤧)