#that did something normal to me im sure

[cinnamon-toast-cronch]

not sure how I survived listening to go home over and over again during quarantine christmas like why did I do that to myself

[justaz]

like i’ve said time and time again, i haven’t watched bbc merlin in years but i was just wondering when the first time merlin called arthur by his name to his face and im scrolling thru the transcripts on the fandom wiki (supposedly it was s1ep4 btw) and im skimming the script for all these episodes and getting angrier and angrier. gaius was wrong for all that. morgana deserved so much better. edwin muirden was valid as hell (for targeting uther AND gaius. yeah. i said it.). also kilgharrah ate with that one lil line “then turn a blind eye. that is, after all, your talent” okay lizard brain pop offff.

[mishy-mashy]

[terrified-spider]

ohhhhhh holy shit i made paprika hendl because it was bored and i remembered i've wanted to make it for a while after it was mentioned in dracula and holy shit it was worth the 2+ hours I spent on it

[mellotronmkll]

I need to stop having one weird reaction with someone and then letting the anxiety decide in my head that the friendship is doomed because I ruined it like it's my absolute worst trait and I just have to move past it but it's hard

[ghoulodont]

ok i want to make just one post about my thoughts & intentions from my latest fic. based on the tags/comments you all left it seems that overall everyone understood me. but theres one additional piece that i think i didnt represent well because its confusing, and that maybe would be hard to pick up on anyway because, again, its confusing.

i think dew is both aware and in denial in a way that might seem contradictory. he claims to know something is wrong, and that he knows it more than anyone else, but he rejects rains urging for him to actually address the problem. i suppose you could read it as him being deceptive in some way but i wanted him to be very very honest. he is genuinely struggling to wrap his head around these seemingly contradictory thoughts.

my intention was for this to parallel what i perceive to be an inherently contradictory aspect of psychosis. because what youre experiencing feels real to you, it sort of feels normal. it feels like something happening outside you. compare it to anxiety, for example -- both can be distressing experiences out of your control but anxiety is something that happens inside you (perhaps in reaction to external events, but the anxiety itself is yours), while psychosis, generally speaking, feels like it belongs to the outside world. in reality its an experience that isnt shared by others but it really feels like it is, or that it could be. maybe this is sort of obvious based on the definition of psychosis but i feel like just considering the definition doesnt quite do it justice.

and because it feels like it belongs to the outside world it can be challenging to confidently distinguish between things that are real to everyone and things that are real only to you. some external reality checking logic needs to be applied. again, maybe this is obvious. i guess what i really am trying to lead up to is how in this dichotomy between sensory experience and logic, its so hard to not believe your sensory experience, in a sort of lizard brain screaming at you way. it just makes so much more sense if your experience matches reality than to jump through a bunch of hoops reminding yourself why it doesnt. occams razor says you dont have schizophrenia.

this experience, which at its extreme would mean being unable to tell that you're unwell, is considered a core dimension of schizophrenia. people who get really medical and scientific with it will say its because of something happening in the brain (isnt everything?) but i think what i described above fully explains it. its confusing, so it makes sense to be confused.

honestly i think this adds to the conflict, that providers can be very quick to doubt your description of your own experience because they try to correct for this "blindness". its dehumanizing to be viewed this way. i really think it makes everything worse by playing into the "split" between ones thoughts and reality. i find myself not wanting to share things if i know im going to be argued with, and then by pulling away im losing one more point of contact with the outside world.

but besides all that i do think for dew theres an aspect of just plain denial & avoidance as well. a good 20% of the original blur turns to haze fic was about how miserable it is to take antipsychotics but it was mostly focused on the side effects. in my experience even once you find one where the side effects are tolerable its still unpleasant. in the same way antidepressants might cause you to feel somewhat emotionally blunted antipsychotics are like that x1000. they really do feel like a drug you give someone to make them shut up. maybe thats just me.

anyway, this is something i want to focus on in chapter 4 of you will die again...... which i am totally working on. i would be curious to know if this aligns with how you read the fic or not but no pressure of course

[supersecretnerd]

Ok so these designs are cute as hell, the Internet is just mean

I have too many thoughts about a game I still need to watch

[tradingjackbs]

Attempted to do a photoshoot for the one and only cosplay I'll probably ever do and. These are the only pictures I got that matter

[ajxrn-archive]

I need to be put in a waffle iron or something

[echo-s-land]

It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

idk sometimes there is a certain absolute horror to be had when you snap out of it for a brief moment to remember how abnormal it all is

[succulent-mud]

Imagine bringing a cup of coffee to Reaperneki but the mug is that kind of mugs with a little animal in the bottom.

Yes, the chicken is special there.

[surreal-duck]

been in kinda a weird spot regards to my own art lately where nothing seems good enough or i feel like ive been on a downhill streak that ive barely touched my tablet since the year started except when its school related..,...., probably burnout from an entire year interning for animation and concept work i feel a bit lacking and falling behind wjhdhfjehd

[hella1975]

my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)

me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha

[britneyshakespeare]

Man is saying weird things to me again

[deus-ex-mona]

rage is a ✨way of life✨