#that it's not UNUSUAL for neurodiverse people to have like

[noonblight]

Nemona, Female Neurodivergence, and Good Representation

Spoilers for the plot of ScarVi ahead, but here’s my full analysis and breakdown of Nemona!

So, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Game Freak making an autistic female main character? You must be out of your mind. This is clearly projecting!’

I’d like to preface this gently by saying that this is obviously just my personal conclusion based on subtextual analysis, but also, I’d like to call attention to the fact that Japan isn’t like the west when it comes to neurodiverse representation, and there isn’t a lot of Japanese media that explicitly uses the word autism. It’s a little unrealistic to expect Game Freak to call it by name, especially considering they make games for children and topics such as neurodiversity are often viewed as a more ‘adult’ thing to discuss. You are free to disagree with me, but please be polite in the replies of this post, as I only wish to have a constructive conversation about a writing decision that has been made.

Anyway, on to the good stuff and I must apologise in advance for this post being long, but I wanted to be thorough!

I played through all of ScarVi and I’m actually very pleased with Nemona as a character. I feel like despite the game’s technical quality, there was a real effort made this time around to flesh out the named characters. Nemona is one of my favourite examples of this, because her arc isn’t solely about being autistic, but it’s clearly a large part of her character and affects her life in a lot of ways.

Nemona is a battle fanatic, and it’s very likely one of her special interests. It’s how she connects with other people such as the main character, and it’s something she devotes her entire being and effort to. She never says she does so in order to impress others, but rather because it’s something she heavily enjoys.

Right from the start, Nemona is a successful champion rank trainer and wants you to become a trainer who can rival her in skill, and feels like it would lead to a better friendship if you could do that. Nemona’s priorities always centre around battling, and doing as much of it as possible. She’s the one who asks Geeta for permission to bestow a Tera orb upon your player. She gives you tips about the battle courts at different gyms. She even raises a new team of Pokémon throughout the game just to have an excuse to battle you at your level and watch you improve.

Nemona even loves battling so much that she finds it a little strange when others aren’t as enthusiastic about battling as she is, below is a quote I found particularly interesting because it really does show that she can be socially oblivious at times when it comes to societal expectations about what is an appropriate place or time to have a Pokémon battle.

Accompanying this, multiple times throughout the game she exhibits impulsive or oblivious behaviour and asks you to have another battle with her straight after another battle you’ve just had, usually due to being excited. Sometimes other characters will need to remind her that your Pokémon require healing first, or that there are other things that need doing. She doesn’t always understand how things should be handled in a conventional manner, despite being an expert on the topic of battling! (Or, she gets too excited and can’t help herself.)

In post-game, there’s even a scene where she doesn’t seem to understand that another student is reluctant to battle her and makes an excuse to leave early because she’s so far from being a casual trainer that it intimidates him. This is, in my opinion, actually quite a sad scene. She genuinely continues to think that he will challenge her to a battle at a different time, not realising that her ‘unusual’ enthusiasm and skill has scared him away, and that he has no intention of returning. A situation I’m sure a lot of neurodiverse children would connect with because it so accurately depicts what it’s like when others don’t share your interests to the degree that you hoped they would. This scene also hints at Nemona’s trouble with reading the emotions and intentions of others.

Nemona’s final post-game scene (which please, I BEG of you to go watch, it’s so good) confirms this outright, and also gives one of the most relatable lines in media about what it’s like to be neurodivergent in any way, especially as somebody who is younger:

Something I like about Nemona is that despite being socially oblivious and pushy with her interests, she is still a very sympathetic and friendly character. Not only does she cheer you on throughout the game, but she doesn’t only do it for the sake of serving only her own interests! She’s genuinely caring about others around her too.

(Nemona, congratulating the player when they beat her at the end of her storyline after she goes full-out. She is thrilled that you beat her! I love this moment.)

Throughout the last chapter in the game, there’s a lot of great moments with Nemona that show how caring she is. I think the best moments however, are where she tries to understand and support a scared Miraidon, and where she tries to help Arven.

Initially, she is misunderstanding and expects that the second Miraidon will be friendly and that it will be a family reunion, but once she realises this is not the case, she immediately switches to trying to support your Miraidon in any way she can. Despite not understanding why Miraidon is so afraid of returning to the Crater and facing the other Miraidon, she can be observed multiple times attempting to encourage it during the final battle, and can be seen in the final cutscene of the game with her arm around it as the group walks back to the academy.

(Nemona, displaying an implied struggle with visually judging the emotions of others.)

Nemona is also the one who suggests after a very heavy story ending that everyone goes home, and that they take the scenic route back to town. She clearly doesn’t know what to say to Arven about what he’s just been through, but she attempts to make him feel a bit better regardless.

I think this makes for particularly good representation, because not only is she less feminine than previous female rivals with her more sporty style and interests (something very common with autistic women) it also shows depth. I’ve seen autistic characters before that fall into the stereotype of coming across as emotionally detached or cold, or far too over-reactive. But I think Nemona strikes a lovely balance of caring, emotional, and socially lacking.

Now, on to a smaller detail that I want to point out that I really like the inclusion of is that glove. I could talk about how Nemona displays memory issues at times or other smaller symptoms of autism, but I really want to talk about the glove. I made a post on this subject the moment Nemona’s design was revealed on the official website, but I like that the game content openly confirmed that Nemona has motor issues with her dominant hand.

(Nemona, needing to support her arm when about to throw a Pokéball, or when she is about to terastalise her Pokémon. The burst of energy from the tera orb must make things a bit more difficult for her. A lovely small detail in her battles.)

(Nemona, confirming that she has trouble with Pokéballs. Something her website entry also stated.)

Now I’ve saved this until last because this is, in my opinion, a smaller detail that they didn’t need to include to make Nemona read as neurodiverse, but I’m thrilled they did. Nemona is the only character who wears an arm brace, something I picked up on immediately in the trailers before the games released. No other trainers wear one for the terastalisation mechanic, unlike the Z-bands from Alola. And even though Pokémon battling is her bread and butter, she still struggles with certain aspects of it! Not only is this trouble with motor skills realistic, but it’s also a very accurate portrayal of motor dysfunction that a lot of neurodiverse people experience in their day to day lives.

To bring this all to a close, I think that even though it isn’t stated outright, I believe Nemona isn’t just representation of neurodiversity in women, but I think that she is also GREAT representation. She knows that she has problems, and tries her best regardless! She is kind, and caring, even though she has difficulties with reading the emotions of others and understanding social expectations. Her entire story may be about making friends with you through the medium of battling, but it’s also a story about how she’s struggled in the past to connect with others because of her love of that medium.

I truely do feel like she’s a lovely depiction to be in a children’s game, because she is a very positive depiction of something that a lot of kids go through, and in the end, she gets to be herself and she gets to be happy by being true to that self. She is never forced to change to make friends, and instead befriends you and the other characters simply by remaining as she is.

[clownrecess]

I want to talk about autipunk and what that identity means to me. (I MIGHT make a cripplepunk post too. But for now, let's talk autipunk!)

For me, being autipunk means advocating for the rights of autistic people and demanding that society recognize and accommodate our unique needs and ways of being. It means fighting against ableism and the idea that there is a "normal" way of being in the world. Autipunk is about empowering ourselves and our community to reject harmful ideas about autism and to define ourselves on our own terms.

I love to wear clothes that are bold and unconventional, like unusual patterns, shoes that make noise when I walk, and quirky accessories. It's a way of making a statement and showing the world that I am proud of who I am, and that I won't be limited by societal expectations of what is "normal". By rejecting the narrow confines of gender norms and fashion expectations, I am able to express myself in ways that feel true to who I am, and make me feel happy.

Stimming is also a big part of being autipunk for me. Stimming is a natural way that autistic people regulate our sensory input, and it's something that I do all the time. Whether it's flapping my hands, bouncing my leg, chewing, or twirling my hair, stimming helps me feel calm and focused. And I refuse to let anyone make me feel ashamed or embarrassed for stimming in public.

But being autipunk is about more than just accepting myself and having fun (as I mentioned briefly at the start of the post!) it's also about fighting back against the ableist structures and attitudes that oppress autistic people. This can take many forms, like advocating for better representation, advocating for accommodations, and pushing back against harmful assumptions, organizations (etc. a lot more.) about autism. It's about recognizing that we are a community of diverse people who deserve to be heard and respected, and fighting for our rights and respect.

At its core, being autipunk means rejecting the idea that there is a "normal" or "correct" way to be. It's about celebrating and embracing neurodiversity, and advocating for the acceptance and inclusion of all autistics.

[chronicallyaunline]

Neurodiversity in Star Trek TNG S3 E20: “Tin Man”

Tam Elbrun: It worries you that I can’t read your mind?

Data: Perhaps there is nothing to read. Nothing more than mechanisms and algorithmic responses.

Tam Elbrun: Perhaps you’re just different. It’s not a sin, you know, though you may have heard otherwise.

Many autistic Star Trek enthusiasts see themselves in Lt Cdr Data, an android who was designed without the ability to experience emotion (though there is plenty of context to suggest that he merely experiences emotion differently from other people). While Data and certain other characters are widely considered to be neurodivergent by fans, the earlier series are rarely so explicit about neurodivergence as in the TNG episode “Tin Man.” This episode introduced Tam Elbrun, a Betazoid who is unusually proficient in negotiation with sentient non-humanoid organisms. It is made abundantly clear that Elbrun is considered neurodivergent among Betazoids, as he possesses a telepathic ability that is so powerful it becomes debilitating.

Counsellor Troi states that Betazoids normally come into their telepathic abilities in adolescence, but a small minority are born with their abilities. Troi also says that those children require early diagnosis and intervention so that they can be taught to manage the overwhelming experience of being aware of the minds of others before their own brains are capable of handling it. At least in the case of Elbrun, that power seems to continue to grow with age. By the time we meet an adult Elbrun, he experiences the emotions and thoughts of others so powerfully that he is disabled by being in the presence of large numbers of sentient minds. The one exception is Data, as Elbrun is unable to read his unique mind.

Data and Elbrun have opposite experiences of emotion. Data cannot feel emotion in a traditional capacity, and Elbrun cannot stop experiencing it. Neither one is capable of experiencing normal social bonds because of the intensity of their differences, yet they find some companionship through their similarities. Ironically their opposite experiences are both representative of autism. Autistic people tend to experience much lower or much higher empathy than the average person, both of which can prevent us from socializing normatively with others. To me, the most important part of this episode is that it is so ahead of its time in how it approaches people with unusual brains. Difference is not wrong, and it does not cancel out your basic humanity. Star Trek TNG aired years before I was born, but there are plenty of modern shows that would do well to treat their characters more like this.

[copperbadge]

Sam, you are NOT a “weirdo.” The neurology of the human mind exists on a spectrum; ALL humans are *biologically* “neurodiverse” and have extremely variable interior experiences. One of the most difficult concepts for ANY writer to grasp is that of “other minds, other perspectives”, and on that you already WELL ahead of the curve. 😊😎

Yikes, my response to this turned into a whole-ass essay so first, two things:

1. Thank you for the compliment, a number of people reached out to tell me that I write very well for people who see images when they read. That is extremely reassuring so I very much appreciate it.

2. I’m about to say a lot of shit that is only vaguely, tangentially related to what you’re saying here so my usual disclaimer applies: I appreciate what you said and I am not yelling AT you, I am yelling NEAR you. :D 

So. On the one hand, yes, humanity is diverse and we can only be ourselves, or a version of ourselves that is tolerable to live with. On the other hand, culture also sets down rules that say this is usual, this is unusual, this is acceptable, this is unacceptable. We don't live in a spectacular culture for "this is acceptable" but most of us are aware that what we think of as "normal" is narrow and fucked-up. But it’s tough to go beyond that to discuss how we relate to “normal”. 

It's something I'm grappling with and it's not something that it's easy to grapple with visibly because of that -- because the minute you call yourself weird or a freak or anything that denotes "not normal", or even when you just talk about “normal” as a concept, people reassure you that normal is an illusion, it's a construct. Which is true! And it’s good to model self-acceptance for people who are still struggling with that. 

The problem is that it limits how much you can discuss feeling outside of normal. And I do feel that way, because of the ADHD diagnosis and other stuff too. I feel that way a lot, these days. Like, a painful amount. Like, a questioning who I am on some very basic levels amount. So...there have to be ways to talk about the reality of normal. 

While normal is a construct, it’s still there -- as a culture we have a concept of normal that matters, regardless of whether it ought. We don’t have great pathways to say “Hey, I’m struggling with feeling like I’m not normal” because people want to assure you that you don’t have to feel normal...but sometimes you want to, because normal is what is culturally approved and it’s hard to be an outlier. Worse, if you’re visibly outside of normal, we tend to very violently police you for it. 

I’m lucky in that I’m pretty ordinary-looking, so I don’t get policed very often, but I‘m very aware of the policing of invisible disability because I have siblings with learning disabilities, and my whole family has some degree of mental illness. Lately I have watched my mother struggle because she needs aids to walk and feels like people are staring at her and saying she’s old and of no worth, a drain on society. The world reinforces that by doing things like making her get to the airport FOUR HOURS EARLY in order to get wheelchair service (and then “losing” her name so she still almost misses her flight). 

You don’t have to be normal, but if you aren’t, you still have to put up with the dickheads who think you should be, who will punish you for deviance. There's a disparity between "healthy ways for you to feel about this" and "how society will feel about this". 

To circle back to my mother, who internalized the ableism and misogyny of the 1950s and 60s and barely escaped being labeled a Fridge Mommy in the 80s because of my brother’s autism....I was raised in a family where there was a very strong value placed on being normal. It was particularly strong for me, because I was the normal one. My parents could not handle the idea that all of their kids had special needs. They needed me to be normal, not least because if I was normal I could help raise my siblings, which I did. And that's been my identity my whole life: the normal one.

Normal is a construct but unfortunately it’s the construct on which my entire identity has hung for forty years.

And my attitude -- not that this was conscious -- was that if you have to be forced into that role, if you must fulfill the exhausting demands of being normal, then you should also get the rewards. The more normal you are, the more power you have. That’s incredibly unhealthy but it’s even more harmful not to admit it happened. And so I have been shoving myself into this identity of “Oh no, that’s not me. I’m not disabled, I’m not queer, I’m not special, I’m a mediocre white dude” because to admit otherwise is to relinquish the protection of normal. 

So...I wish we had a word like “normal” but with an extra connotation of “Look, I know normal is just a privileged idea of what everyone should be but it’s also heavily enforced in our society so we need to acknowledge it still exists”. 

I’m not normal. I am a weirdo. I’m more a weirdo now than I’ve ever been. There has to be a space to say that, to say “Normal exists and I’m not it and I feel fucked up about it” because how else do you rebuild an identity? 

I think it is important to reassure people that normal is an idea, not a law of nature, and I appreciate everyone who chimed in with that. But I think it’s also important to acknowledge that it’s really hard to suddenly find yourself outside of normal, and start thinking about ways in which we can support that struggle when we see someone stuck in it. Maybe disability activists have something to say about this and I’m covering old ground; I’m not well-read beyond the basics. I don’t know what the answer is myself, I’m still really stuck in the middle of this, but I think there must be more options open to us than the reassurance that normal isn’t real. 

[trans-axolotl]

(Apologies this is long and rambley)

So ive been thinking on a peer-made trait-based 'diagnostic model' (not for disorders but neurodiverse traits), rather than the way the DSM and ICD do it and what that would look like and if it would be a good idea to propose as an alternative that focuses the patients unique experiences over theorized model boxes with misleading names.

Ive been growing increasingly discontent with how the ICD and DSM both categorize disorders, and the completed alternate models ive seen that already exist are not much better honestly, and worse for my specific brainfuckery. The alternate models that only focus on one section are just that- focused on one specific experience. Monotropisim as an alternate autism model can never be fully realized in the bubble it exists as a theory in. Plurality has like 50 different theory models and half of them aggressively ignore common reported experiences because they don't work with their unverified personal gnosis theory of everything, and the other half are likewise mostly incomplete. Trauma/cause-based models ignore genetic/from birth issues as a known cause of mental illness/developmental disorder and also consider everything trauma to the point of diluting the term.

I figured the best option would be to group traits by perceived experiences or related phenomena, with overlap, and the best way to do that accurately would be to make the 'diagnostic codes' combinable infinitely. (ex- a category that is 'unusual sensory experiences' with synthesia, hypo and hyper sensitivity to stimuli, needing to regulate with the sensory system (stimming) to high degrees, hallucinations of any kind, voice hearing(would also go under the plural category when consistent and personlike in presentation), visual snow, etc and each trait is a unique string of characters you can stack under the category string to create a larger string that describes your experiences quickly and concisely).

(The groupings are still all up in the air and id want to get a lot of perspective before cementing it, but I do want to put synthesia and hallucinations and visual snow all together because they are adding a Weird experience and its sensory based stuff others cannot perceive)

And then I realized that this is just the Geek Code but for neurodiversity,,

Im STILL not sure if that makes it a bad idea or not honestly.

On one hand the way the DSM and ICD are set up is NOT actually that great, and being able to shorthand a list that describes things better and doesnt pathologize people as having 'asshole liar personality disorder' or whatever would be fantastic, on the other it is also clunky, people are gonna be pissed about how I am categorizing things contrary to how the DSM and ICD group things (autism and schizophrenia and plurality are all holding hands and kissing with tongue), and it may more strongly encourage people to share very private information online via sharing their string code of every last neuroweirdness they have (which I do NOT want people doing for safety reasons).

So I just went 'hm, whos a cool antipsych person who may have more insight than I do about trying to make a peer-made description system for those who dont want to use the DSM or ICD to describe their experiences', and I thought of you, so thoughts? Is it feasible? Is it a good idea to try? I have like 500 million projects and I REALLY shouldnt add a new one of this magnitude, but I feel like its an important idea to at least float around first.

Hey anon! My answer got pretty long, so I'm going to put it under the read more.

I actually know a few people doing something like this--the founding director of Neuromancers started a project like this (not much has been happening with it lately, bc everyone is so busy with other organizing commitments and life, but if we ever get back to it i'm really excited about it. you could join the discord for Neuromancers and ask about the project if you want to join). I'm a known DSM hater and think that both the DSM and ICD and most biomedical models of mental illness as well as the "evidence based" processes of diagnosis are so fundamentally flawed, oppressive, and are in no way culturally relevant to the vast majority of people. a lot of us are still going to use that terminology as a shorthand because it's the most accessible and understandable in our current society, but that doesn't necessarily mean we all like it or agree with the way it's formulated in the DSM.

Honestly, I'm always a big fan of mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people creating more ways of understanding ourselves and creating more resources for us to use. I think that there's never going to be one right model that works for every experience or than can encompass everyone. And I think that there's so much value in really deconstructing and dismantling the DSM--understanding exactly how disorders are currently categorized, the evidence behind it, the lack of evidence behind it, what clinicians and researchers are saying about these diagnoses, how we actually experience these diagnoses in practice, how diagnoses change through history, things like that. It can be super crucial to build our own understandings of just how these diagnoses were shaped in the first place so that we can understand what it would mean to dismantle and build alternative models that feel more affirming for us. I think your idea of trying to group more by traits rather than strict disorder criteria is something that might resonate with a lot of people!

that being said, i think that it is such a large and difficult project and also something that is almost impossible to make universal--there are so many factors going into everyone's experience with madness/mental illness/neurodivergence, and different labels are going to resonate with different people for different reasons. it's hard to predict what language or models will catch on with different people, and not all types of language or models are accessible to everyone. i guess for me i just think it can be helpful to go into projects like this without the expectations that this will necessarily be able to replace the DSM for everyone, and instead thinking more about how this can be a valuable tool for providing more options and ways of thinking about madness/mental illness/neurodivergence! even if it doesn't work for everyone or is only applicable to certain types of traits and variations, i think that this type of creation of knowledge is so, so valuable. i hope that makes sense!

some other related concepts that your ask reminded me of was @bioethicists principles of liberatory antipsychiatry. Charlie identifies the right to your own explanatory model as a key principle of liberatory antipsychiatry, and that liberatory antipsychiatry should affirm and build upon those individual models, and respect that as a way of healing. I think that's a really important insight, and to me makes a lot of sense. We all have the right to draw from our own experiences + minds, as well as use existing knowledge, science, and disability community experience in order to create alterative labels, models, and frameworks for our madness/mental illness/neurodivergence. I honestly feel like I've created my own hyperspecific model of madness for my own bodymind, and that framework has been super helpful for figuring out how to live with my madness. Idk how helpful it would be for anyone who isn't me, but having my own particular explanatory model was crucial for helping me heal.

It also reminds me of the way this really amazing peer support network for people living with schizophrenia in Japan called Bethel House, who developed a framework for radical peer support and healing. This article talks about the concept of tōjisha-kenkyū, which in English would get translated as something like "self directed diagnosis" or maybe "political education," and it seems kind of similiar to English concepts about self diagnosis.

"Self-reflection is at the heart of this practice. Tōjisha-kenkyū incorporates various forms of reflection developed in clinical methods, such as social skills training and cognitive behavioural therapy, but the reflections of a tōjisha don’t begin and end at the individual. Instead, self-reflection is always shared, becoming a form of knowledge that can be communally reflected upon and improved. At Bethel House, members found it liberating that they could define themselves as ‘producers’ of a new form of knowledge, just like the doctors and scientists who diagnosed and studied them in hospital wards. The experiential knowledge of Bethel members now forms the basis of an open and shared public domain of collective knowledge about mental health, one distributed through books, newspaper articles, documentaries and social media." (Japan's radical alternative to psychiatric diagnosis, Satsuki Ayayais and Junko Kitanaka, ).

Anyway, thought I'd share those things to sort of point you in the direction of other people thinking about madness outside of the DSM. if you end up doing any more thought or creation for this idea, def feel free to share with me! I love seeing all the ways people take apart the DSM and build our own knowledge, and would love to keep updated.

best of luck, anon!

[peachjagiya]

Oh can I submit a controversial opinion?

We all know and hate the nonsense claim about Tae being "just a visual". I know we mainly talk about the company vs Tae. But I also feel like sometimes that was driven by the group/members too...

I know they are brothers and all support each other (and I love their group dynamic). I know that within the group that different members have different bonds and the changes and evolves over time. I also know that there were a lot of times when it was more about actions than words -- how Namjoon really worked to "understand" Tae and now he plays along with him so seemlessly; how Yoongi helped make sure he got to participate and was understood, etc. But, like even those examples rely on the company narrative of him being weird. I'm not saying all the time, obviously. But it just feels like there were times when they reinforced the company narratives and roles -- and we know those still play a role in the fandom today. JK was the perfect, golden maknae. JM was sweet, hardworking dancer. Tae...weird. It could sometimes feel feel like his talents and contributions weren't always valued at the same level as the other maknae line.

*runs away and hides*

Gosh I really really agree. He's very often "othered" and it does actually bother me a lot. I am settled on the idea that it's mainly about narrative and that the day to day interactions aren't so hinged on it? But that public facing separation of Tae as weird is troublesome to me. (Made worse by my suspicion that it's a deliberate effort by the company but that's just a theory.)

With the absolute caveat that I do not diagnose any members with neurodiversity - or neurotypicality! - and don't think it's helpful to do that unless they speak about it themselves, speaking as a neurodiverse person, I think any unique thinking in anyone is often shut down inadvertently. Maybe you think about life a little different, maybe your speech patterns are different, maybe your humour is different, maybe your goals are different. And maybe people side eye that without even realising that it's kind of invalidating.

No pity party from me, I'm actually a very happy person despite bouts of depression, but I was always weird and aside throughout my life. I can get along really well with people who think I'm weird but I get along much better with people who just get me.

Interestingly, I don't know if you'd agree but I feel like JK is also kind of separated by being a little unusual in his thinking or behaviours but it's been less reinforced by company narrative. If anything, the company narrative paints a mainstream acceptable macho image of JK that doesn't reflect him at all.

I think this might be why JK and Wooga are Tae's safe space. I don't doubt for a single moment that BTS are super important to him, they're his brothers, but the people that take you exactly as you are and never unconsciously place you as weird and other are the ones who you want to be around a lot.

I see a lot of myself in Taehyung but it's a bad idea to assume that means he's also ADHD or whatever. It does mean I feel protective of his so-called quirks though. I always say that even if Tae turned out to be straight, his queer coding is important to me as a queer person. Similarly, his (and JKs) neurodivergent coding, regardless of whether he is diagnosed or identifies that way, is important to me as a ND person. And to see him being referred to as an alien or as weird... I dunno. It's not comfy even if I know it's not meant to hurt.

Thanks anon. What a cool conversation to get into. ❤

[bites-respectfully]

CW: perception by others

TW: ableism, neurophobia, r-word

i've been thinking quite a lot about others' perception of me lately.

while i'm not the one to care about this on most occasions, my current work has a lot of rules such as dress-code, proper interaction with customers, etc. that constantly make me pay attention to how i appear to others. and this made me figure out and put into words a big, bitter, hard-to-swallow pill that i'm sure a lot of people from my communities will relate to:

we will never not be judged. we will never not be weird, or impolite, or odd to people around us, no matter how many masks we put on.

people have deemed me weird, unpleasant, retarded or even evil just because of my hidden disabilities and mental differences when in reality they could just sense something was different, "off". i still don't know how exactly they did it - both nonverbal communication (such as body language) and subtext are foreign to me, but it is what it is - they saw what i tried to hide, and they judged it.

don't get me wrong, i'm not saying this to make anyone anxious or uncomfortable. i'm saying this in hopes that, maybe, for someone out there this will be just as liberating as for me.

yes, i am weird. yes, i am odd. yes, i am different. yes, i will be all these things no matter what i do or look like. then why put myself in boxes? why not just peacefully live my life and enjoy everything i am and i do, especially if it harms no one? someone's discomfort will never stop me from living my best life and being authentic to who i am, even if it's the weirdest thing in this fucking universe.

my belief in neurodiversity, mental diversity, natural diversity is unshakeable. even if someone's life seems weird, hard or too different from what is deemed as "normal", they deserve to live it to the fullest. all things, as small as unusual clothes and as big as no connection with the concept of one's humanity due to delusions, deserve to be expressed, heard and respected.

[cottoncandyabc]

If I can ask for it, could I get all the rest of the ones for sunset shimmer please? :D

Agere Character Ask Game

Heck yes!! >:D I love doing these

Sorry this took a while, between doing the other ones and writing for my RP blogs I kinda burned myself out haha. Plus I find them easier to do when I'm regressed which has been a while at this point lol

Part 1

💛- How did they discover age regression?

Probably through online communities, Sunset would meet other regressors online and finally understand what it is. She was doing it completely involuntarily before without fully understanding why

📈- Age range?

Between 6 - 12

🐾- If they also pet regress what to? (If they don’t pet regress what’s the favorite animal?)

I would say its less common than her age regression, but sometimes she regresses to a puppy, dog, or wolf! She also loves pretending to be a werewolf

(More under the cut)

💕- Do they have a caregiver?

Her other friends would act as her caregiver most of the time! Sometimes Flash Sentry would as well

🧸- What’s their favorite toy/plushie/ect?

Sunset has a plushie of a phoenix, it reminds her of Princess Celestia and her old home. Sometimes it makes her sad, but more often it gives her comfort.

👒- What do they like to wear when they’re regressed?

Usually just her normal outfits, or sometimes things with more neon colors. When she's at home she almost always prefers her pajamas.

🎮- What’s their favorite thing to do when they’re small?

Sunset still loves art and video games, but when she's regressed she usually prefers coloring pages, finger paint, and games aimed at younger players.

🍼- What’s their favourite age regression accessory/gear?

A sippy cup with her cutie mark on it 💖

✨- How are they different to their big selves when they regress?

She tends to be a bit more bratty and a lot more stubborn, but nothing like how she used to be when she was actually that young.

🎨- What does their ideal playroom look like?

Something with a LOT of video games for her to play, with all kinds of consoles! There would also be a canvas/paint area where she could be as messy as she likes. The whole room would have themes of orange, red, yellow, pink, and black.

🥳- A holiday that they love celebrating while regressed

Halloween! It gives her the perfect chance to dress up as whatever she wants, without having to fear judgment at all

🐬- What is their ideal play date/regression day like?

🤸- Do they have another regressor they play with?

Yep - Pinkie Pie! They act as each others caregivers when the other is regressed, and they love playing together when they're both regressed!

Start out with messy art related things, then maybe baking and playing games with Pinkie Pie. Definitely she would get to play pretend for all or at least most of the day while doing other things, and it would end with some of her favorite video games!

🔮- Do they like to play pretend?

Of course! It is one of her favorite things to do. She would definitely be the type to enjoy acting out Warrior Cats or some kind of wolf pack related game with her friends.

👾- Favorite game to play while regressed

She and Pinkie have this game they made up where they dress up like werewolves and scare their friends, and sometimes other people too. They don't play it very often but it is definitely one of her favorites, although sometimes she does feel mildly guilty for scaring people when she isn't regressed anymore.

🦇- What about their regression is unusual, or unexpected?

You might think Sunset would act just as mean when regressed as she actually was when she was a kid, but she doesn't. She's a bit more bratty and stubborn sure, but she isn't outright mean to anyone, and is still very kind and caring to those around her.

🏳️‍🌈- Are they LGBTQ+ or neurodiverse (or any other pride you can think of!)?

Definitely - Sunset is canonically bisexual, and I also headcanon her to have both autism and PTSD

🃏- Random headcanon about their regression!

Due to her past, playing pretend as a princess is something she absolutely hates, and she tends to hate most royal/princess themed things entirely because it reminds her of her old self and her old goals far too much to ever be enjoyable.

[jodjuya]

"Would an autistic person become an autistic zombie?"

Well, I've never seen any zombie effected (sic) by a difference in intelligence. But on that note, how would autism effect a zombie who doesn't use social or intellectual prowess for it's day to day activities.

Increased clumsiness? Difficulty communicating with other zombies and following the horde?

Would they retain their aversions to bright lights, loud sounds, strong smells, unpleasant textures, uncomfortable temperatures, and crowded places?

Would they be more efficient than neurotypical zombies?

Would an autistic person's special interest be a strong enough obsession to overpower their new zombie instincts?

Would an autistic zombie have a meltdown when overwhelmed?

See, not a lot of thinking being utilized by the undead. And they don't really carry anything that the person who was reanimated over into their newly acquired stupor. But, some zombies can run, some are quiet...maybe those smart, unusual ones are the autistic people...

Neurodiversities are caused by structural brain differences, no? Wouldn't those differences carry over following reanimation?

Assuming zombies have and use a brain, that it. Magically resurrected zombies are more like meat-puppets than autonomous, slightly dead, animals.

All depends on which specific zombie archetypes you're working with, obviously.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OurZombiesAreDifferent

Autistic Artificial, Revenant, Plague, and Technically-Living zombies would probably retain their autistic traits.

Autistic Romero, Parasite, and Voodoo zombies would probably not retain them.

I wonder if zombies could get stoned or drunk...

I am now deeply trapped inside TvTropes. Please send help

I don't know that I have any. I'd probably just drag you down deeper...

"Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out.

First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face."

-----

Am old conversation I had once, about the possibilities of undead neurodivergence.

[tolkien-feels]

Caranthir or Celebrimbor for the ask game, in the unlikely event they haven't been requested yet. :-) Otherwise, Brandir the Lame.

None of them have, actually!

I was going to do all three, but C&C ended up so long that I thought better of it. But if you still want Brandir send me another ask and I'll happily do him as well!

Caranthir

Sexuality Headcanon: Aro. But his actual sexuality I'm very fluid with and change depending on my mood. Today I'm feeling like homo, but honestly that changes so often.

Gender Headcanon: Cis as in "would get a headache thinking about gender"

A ship I have with said character: None, I don't think? I actually don't think I ship any of the sons of Feanor with anyone, now that I'm doing the math

A BROTP I have with said character: His family. Not as in "oh, he's so lonely" but as in "professional relationships are all he really wants or needs outside of his family." I will highlight Maglor, though, who is my ultimate Caranthir brotp

A NOTP I have with said character: "Notp" is too strong a term, but maybe Haleth? I deeply enjoy their relationship being strictly business, so making it romantic loses the appeal it has to me. Oh, and his canon (?) spouse. I dislike the idea of Caranthir being married.

A random headcanon: I don't think I've mentioned this before even though it's a major headcanon of mine, but I actually headcanon Caranthir is... neurodiverse. Closest thing we have to what I headcanon is autism, but I headcanon elves have different expectations for neurotypical behavior and this affects how they conceptualize neurodiversity as well.

General Opinion over said character: My boy, my son, I love him. I think he's much more complicated than people tend to give him credit for and I appreciate every fan who helps push the "Let Caranthir be complicated!!!" agenda

Celebrimbor

Sexuality Headcanon: Bi for no reason other than I'm bi and want to claim him, but he has the elven gene where he's fallen in love once when he was young and never will look at anyone again

Gender Headcanon: Confused™. He thought he was cis but hanging out with dwarves has him rethinking the concept of gender at least once a week. He uses male words to refer to himself in all elven languagues, but neutral in Khuzdul. So... he/they, in English, I guess?

A ship I have with said character: Galadriel and Celeborn, kind of. In my mind, he's (openly) in love with Galadriel and is very close to Celeborn, as well as being a major part of ; functionally, they're in qp relationship, but that's probably not how they would label themselves even if they had this exact dynamic in a modern au. Apart from that (not in the same universe as the former, which is my primary headcanon), I've been shipping Celebrimbor and Gil-galad since I was in high school, for the political drama of it all. Recently I've been thinking Celebrimbor/Orodreth would be a hot mess and should happen.

A BROTP I have with said character: Any. Has Celebrimbor met this person? I brotp ship them. I literally can't list even those I actively seek out content for, because again, it's everyone.

A NOTP I have with said character: Annatar. I like Annatar preying on Celebrimbor's family-shaped wound much more than I like the idea of them as a ship. Otherwise... none?

A random headcanon: His party trick is taking notes with both his hands simultaneously. Different notes. Even among elves, that's highly unusual.

General Opinion over said character: I love him, but I have so many Opinions about him that I usually skip posts about him unless I'm in the mood to engage with things that don't match my ideas.

[lungfuls]

I agree that people have begun pathologizing behavior that falls within the "regular behavior" range but resent the implication (in this post and others) that these issues can not be severe enough to isolate someone from most of the people in their life and/or qualify them for a diagnosis of some sort... like, yes, traits of all mental illnesses are present in the general population and "neurodiversity" refers to the quality of all of our minds functioning uniquely, not a subset of the population that does things in a particular, unusual ("neurodiverse") way, but I feel like this conversation is veering into "we're all a little autistic" territory which is on the other end of the Unhelpful Frameworks of "Neurodiversity" spectrum. am I making sense

[isobellaturcoms]

Collecting quotes

“What would happen if the autism gene was eliminated from the gene pool? You would have a bunch of people standing around in a cave, chatting and socializing and not getting anything done.” Dr Temple Grandin, American scientist, academic and animal behaviorist

“My autism is the reason I’m in college and successful. It’s the reason I’m good in math and science. It’s the reason I care,” – Jacob Barnett, sixteen-year old maths and physics prodigy

“Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.” – Frank Zappa

 “Autistic people have probably done so much for hundreds of years without any credit.”

― Elle McNicoll, author of A Kind of Spark 

 “We just need to be kinder to ourselves. If we treated ourselves the way we treat our best friend, can you imagine how much better off we would be?” Meghan Markle

 “I’ve been searching for ways to heal myself, and I’ve found that kindness is the best way.” Lady Gaga

“I am different, not less.” Dr Temple Grandin, American scientist, academic and animal behaviorist

“Universities are renowned for their tolerance of unusual characters, especially if they show originality and dedication to their research. I have often made the comment that not only are universities a 'cathedral' for worship of knowledge, they are also 'sheltered workshops' for the socially challenged.”

― Tony Attwood, author of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome 

“When I was diagnosed, it just gave me permission to be kinder to myself, to not always take responsibility for being a bit clumsy around other people, and allow me to start to tell people, ‘I’m clumsy, but I [don’t] mean to be.’ And being more open about, ‘I need you to tell me what I did wrong, and then we can move on from there.’ Hannah Gadsby – Comedian ‘Nannette Douglas’

Steven Spielberg (dyslexia) 

Legendary film director Steven Spielberg wasn’t diagnosed with dyslexia until he was in his 60s. School administrators thought he was lazy. He was bullied by classmates, and his troubles in school played a part in his career. Not only did making movies give him a place to channel his energies, but feeling like an outsider helped him co-write The Goonies, a hit movie about a quirky group of friends who didn’t quite fit in at school. He said finding out as an adult that he has dyslexia was like “the last puzzle piece to a great mystery that I’ve kept to myself”.

Cher (dyslexia and dyscalculia)

Ryan Gosling (ADHD and difficulty reading)

“I think over the years, what I’ve come to learn, thanks to some great therapists, is my depression is created by a severe level of ADHD.” Trevor Noah

“Although people with autism look like other people physically, we are in fact very different in many ways. We are more like travelers from the distant, distant past. And if, by our being here, we could help the people of the world remember what truly matters for the Earth, that would give us a quiet pleasure.” Naoki Higashida

“I have Aspergers and that means I’m sometimes a bit different from the norm. And – given the right circumstances - being different is a superpower.”  Greta Thunberg

“Having ADHD, and taking medicine for it is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing that I’m afraid to let people know.” Simone Biles

“As an artist, I think it’s a self-evident truth that not thinking like everyone else is positive and beneficial.” Florence Welch, lead singer from Florence and the Machine

neurodiverse individuals are often wired with characteristics that enable them to succeed where others fail

Gabriel Alliance 

[empiresagereheadcanons]

🏳️‍🌈🃏🦇 Scott Smajor

-Blue Words Anon

for the record i still have not watched Scott's s2 i simply consulted my partner who has for these

🏳️‍🌈- Are they LGBTQ+ or neurodiverse (or any other pride you can think of!)?

s1 - Scott is gay and trans and uses snow/snowself pronouns when little :3

s2 - gay and genderfluid !! uses he/it/fluff/bright pronouns and i have adopted my partner's hc that he is autistic !!

🃏- Random headcanon about their regression!

s1 - he usually doesn't remember most of what happens when little, so he didn't actually know he regressed for quite a while!

s2 - his favorite activity when little is finger painting :]

🦇- What about their regression is unusual, or unexpected?

s1 - he actually doesn't really like regressing with other littles! he prefers to be either on his own or with one or two big people

s2 - Scott doesn't like most common little gear like pacis or teethers, he just doesn't find them interesting.

[surreality51]

Roger Federer and High Empathy

There’s a throwaway detail on page 11 in The Master where Christopher Clarey writes, “Federer is an empath, constantly registering the feelings and energy in the stadium, the street, the room, the backseat.”

There have been a bazillion articles written about Federer’s elegance, warmth, grace, and ability to talk to anyone and make them think he’s genuinely interested. Critics (if any exist) and supporters alike agree: he’s a really nice guy.

But there’s a difference between being a caring/empathetic person versus being an empath. It’s the same difference between being a smart person and a genius—it’s a matter of degree, yes, but also of quality and nature. A genius is an extremely smart person, but the quality of their intelligence is often different. They may make intuitive or creative leaps that a smart person cannot. Genius is part of their nature—they are born that way, and they can harness their genius through careful practice. A smart person can become smarter through hard work, but you can’t really become a genius. Your brain just doesn’t work the same way.

Empaths are the same: they are born that way, and they can hone their empathy through practice or intentional strategies. Most people can become more empathetic, but they cannot become an empath. Empaths can make intuitive leaps that a regular empathetic person cannot. And—like geniuses who often come with baggage or foibles—there are sometimes negative aspects to their nature that they have to deal with.

Does Clarey actually mean to call Federer an empath?

There’s scant research on whether empaths really exist or if it’s just pop psychology. Do a Google search of “empath” and you get a bunch of recycled trash articles. But despite the lack of info available in this area, I fall on the side that believes empaths are real and that they’re different from “normal” people.

Why?

Because my husband is an empath.

My husband and I met in 1999 and started dating in 2001. We got married in 2010. I believe empaths are real because I’ve observed one, lived with one, talked to one, and watched him deal with having unusually high empathy for over 20 years. For obvious reasons, that throwaway line in The Master jumped out at me. I began wondering if Roger is actually an empath or if he’s just an empathetic person.

Now, I understand that every empath is different, just like every person with ADHD or giftedness may exhibit their neurodiversity differently. Just because my husband and Roger Federer are both empaths (supposedly) doesn’t mean they share all the same traits. Their different histories, backgrounds, dispositions, personalities, or psychological traits may affect how they express their empathy. For example, my husband is an introvert while Federer is an extrovert, which may have different implications for their empathy. However, there are at least some commonalities among people with ADHD or giftedness or, in this case, high empathy, so I think it’s still an interesting exercise to use my experience to discuss why Roger Federer might be an empath and how that might affect his tennis game.

(FWIW, I’ve previously written about my husband’s empathy in this post, comparing his traits to the character Will Graham--a fictional empath--from NBC’s Hannibal)

Clues that Roger may be an empath

Let’s look at some common indicators that a person may be an empath and consider whether Roger displays any of them.

Sensitivity to people and environment: if you listen to Roger talk, you’ll notice that he sometimes talks about the “energy” of a room or the energy of people he meets. It’s very common for an athlete to talk about the energy of a crowd or the excitement of fans—that’s normal and in and of itself doesn’t mean they’re an empath. More indicative would be when someone talks about “feeling the energy” of people, like when Roger says so-and-so has “good energy.” My husband also talks about the feeling that he gets from people, whether it’s positive energy like warmth, authenticity, contentment, and happiness or negative energy like anxiety, frustration, tension, etc. He can generally get a feel for someone very quickly, and he can oftentimes feel their energy from across the room without even having to talk to them. There are multiple indicators that Federer is sensitive to people and environment—talking about the “energy” of people/environment, avoiding negative energies (taking private jet to avoid airport crowds, switching his dentist when he expressed doubt about Federer’s ambitions) and adept at reading people (his personable nature, his ability to work a room full of CEOs). None of these by themselves prove that Federer is an empath. There are logical alternative reasons why he makes these choices—if you’re rich enough to afford private jet travel, why wouldn’t you do that to avoid the airport security line and gawking passengers? His social ability could be more due to his extroversion and self-confidence than empathy. But they’re at least not contraindications.

Emotional overwhelm: on several occasions, Federer has addressed why he gets so emotional after a high-pressure match. He’s practically as famous for crying on camera—whether in victory or defeat—as he is for his elegance and grace. What’s interesting is that he has said that it’s not necessarily out of happiness or grief, but more as a release after being the focus of 20,000 people for 2-4 hours. Again, empaths are very sensitive to energy, so if you could imagine 20,000 people directing their attention and energy at an empath for a couple of hours, it could cause them to overflow. Does Federer’s tendency to cry mean he’s an empath? It’s not conclusive—lots of people cry after a Grand slam final after all—so this by itself doesn’t make a slam-dunk argument.

The type of people he surrounds himself with: because empaths are so sensitive to people’s energy and emotions all the time, it’s likely that they will prefer to surround themselves with positive, relaxed, warm people. Being around someone who is high energy or anxious or negative or trying too hard is draining for most people, but especially empaths. If you look at the type of people Roger surrounds himself with—Severin Luthi, Mirka, Pierre Paganini—you’ll notice several commonalities. They tend to be prefer the background to the spotlight, have quiet but earnest demeanors, appear laid back, supportive, and positive. None of them are mercurial, aggressive, loud, attention-seeking, etc. (or at least not in public). Again, this in and of itself doesn’t mean that Federer is an empath—many people prefer to hang out with more low-key, relaxed people—but it’s a characteristic that is in line with an empath’s needs.

Ability to intuit people’s motivation: there’s an interview (I can’t find it now) where Federer is asked how he chooses his team members and he mentions having to read people’s motivation and determining if someone was being authentic or if they were just seeing him as a good thing that they want to be along for the ride with. This is a common scenario for any moderately successful person and especially so for celebrities. Federer seems to have had good luck—or perhaps more than just luck?—when it comes to selecting his team. There aren’t any stories of acrimonious fallouts, betrayal, or drama within his team. Most have been with him for over a dozen years. He swaps out his coaches most often, and even there, we don’t hear stories of bad blood afterward. Of course, part of it is luck: it just so happened that Pierre Paganini was hired as a fitness trainer by the tennis center where Federer trained in his teens. But part of it could also be an ability to recognize competence, excellence, integrity, and authenticity in others. This is a trait that many successful people have, so it’s not exclusive to empaths, but having an unusually high ability to read other people can likely give you an edge in identifying important people early on and snatching them up for your team if and when you run across them.

Marital fidelity: okay, this is may be controversial, but by my husband’s own admission, high empathy may make you less likely to engage in infidelity. This is for two reasons:

1. if you’re an empath, you are keenly aware of other people’s emotions and motivations, so it’s easy to tell when someone is attracted to you for the wrong reasons (say, because you’re a rich and famous tennis player). My husband, who is not rich and famous but who I’d say is above-average looking, had his fair share of girls going after him in high school. He could tell which ones actually liked him because of his sense of humor, his laid-back attitude, and his personality versus the ones who wanted to get to him just to see if they could, or to make another guy jealous, or because they had daddy issues, or a whole host of other reasons. He could’ve slept with any of these girls—and what teenage boy doesn’t want to get girls?—but because he could sense the issues/drama/trauma behind these girls’ motivations—issues that sometimes the girls themselves might not be consciously aware of—he steered clear of them. Being an empath made him less likely to be tempted by hot girls throwing themselves at him because he could read and feel the emotional baggage some of them carried and that made him disinclined to add to it by using them (because he’s a nice guy) or get anywhere near them (because he could feel their internal issues physically radiating off them like a repelling ray).

2. if you’re an empath who feels other people’s emotions deeply, then you’re less likely to engage in infidelity because you’d not only be hurting the person you love, but you’d also be able to feel their pain acutely as your own. Obviously this dissuades normal people from cheating too, but for an empath, any emotional pain you might cause rebounds on you like 100000%. It’s a pretty big disincentive.

There have been no reports of infidelity in Federer’s case. Does this mean he’s an empath? No, but from my understanding among high-profile athletes, being in a steady, committed, long-term relationship with someone you met before you got famous is not unheard of but also not the most common. There’s certainly no shortage of the opposite: playboy athletes who go through groupies like they go through socks. He’s probably in the minority here.

Side note: It’s interesting to note that there are no reports of first loves prior to Mirka. This doesn’t necessarily mean Federer wasn’t in relationships before. But he was very young, only 18, when he started dating Mirka, so it’s unlikely that he had a long string of girlfriends beforehand. It’s interesting to me only in the sense that I was only my husband’s third girlfriend, and we also got into a committed relationship very early on (I was 18, he was 19). Is this an empath thing? Maybe. It could also be luck—luck that Roger and Mirka were both at the Sydney Olympics, luck that my husband and I got assigned to sit next to each other in high school science class.

Need to get away and recharge: much has been written about Federer’s need to occasionally escape his high-profile life by going on vacation. I wasn’t even going to include this in the list, because it’s a common thing for both empaths and pretty much every human being on this planet, but sure, why not add it to the list.

Conclusion

So is Roger Federer actually an empath? Who knows. But all the visible signs point to someone who is at least highly empathetic and a nice guy, and there are no signs that rule out him being an empath.

In Part II, I’ll proceed on the assumption that Federer is actually an empath and discuss how some of this might help him in tennis, a notoriously cerebral and psychological sport.

[letterstodreams]

The Relativity of Goals

Really, so much is relative and subjective, and that seems to hold me back sometimes, but other times it frees me and helps me surge forward. And other times, it leads me to get so lost in the wrong direction (as opposed to getting lost in the right direction, like some internet quote I read). I have a hard time seeing what is left that works and is reliable, after you try to account for what is relative and subjective.

Or rather, even if things are relative and subjective, they're still true to the individual, but only if you can see what's true for you. And, for that matter, what's true for an individual can change over time, even over the course of months, weeks, or even days or hours. If those changes were predictable enough, following some kind of cycle I could prepare and adapt to as needed, then it still might be ok.

But if I can't even see what new stage I'm in or what I need when I enter a new stage, then I'm always getting lost. What if I can 't even recognize that I have entered yet another new stage? What if each new stage is a whole new creation, different than all the rest?

What if the stages are so different from each other, and so hard to assess or recognize that I'm always being unmoored again? Tossed out deep at sea, or underwater, a lazy, dizzy mermaid who dwells deep in the deepest, darkest, dankest and most desolate ocean. Woah, my spontaneous alliteration kicked in there- a sign of my neurodivergence, so it warms my heart, just a little, and also makes me feel a little tired and reminds me of reasons I seem to get so lost sometimes.

Yes, but my neurodiversity also contains reasons and ways I can be found too, sometimes. The cure is particular to the illness, the order that works for me is particular to my variety of disorder. And so even if I never discover the order that puts me together again, I even still cherish this disorder because I know it's got precious clues to what would work, if I could ever find it.

And it's not all bad and dark. Yes, neurodiversity is particular for each individual, to varying degrees, and many who are neurodiverse thrive. But some don't thrive, and struggle to even survive, it seems, with these conditions. As for me, I don't know how much of my issues stem from neurodiversity, and how much are due to other mental health issues, and how much are due to physical illnesses, as well as my unusual personality and temperament, which might be something else altogether.

Times like these, for however long it lasts, I feel a little to a lot lost. I feel I'm having such a hard time finding my bearings and seeing what I need. Times like these I sometimes take on a whole other scale and scope with my goals and hopes. They go deeper, danker, and more depressing, but only because I'm trying so hard to hold on to anything that actually seems to be really there, really real, reliable, stable.

Since what is reliable changes, so do my goals have to change. Sometimes just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. Sometimes staying in bed most of the day is an accomplishment, because I just look at uplifting things or read uplifting things, and I get up to eat something decently healthy, and I do the homeschool things I need for my daughter. And I get up if she starts talking to me, or if she asks me to play games or do crafts or read with her during the day, here or there. Then we read bedtime stories at night, even though she's a teenager. And thus does my mind usually feel soothed and ready to sleep at proper hours.

Where would I be without our homeschool and feeding and interacting with my daughter? It gives me some manageable level of effort, meaning and order in my life. The goal becomes to raise my daughter without her needing therapy from my parenting, as I've read people say online. Yes, that is something. Maybe she won't need therapy from anything about the way I raised her. If she does ever need therapy it might be for things that I didn't know how to teach her, things that I never learned myself in many cases. Or things I know but don't know how to explain or put into words, or teach to another person.

But those are the sorts of things that I have struggled with, all throughout my own life, too. Those things have hindered and burdened me much more, I think, than the bad parenting of my own parents. And they did have narcissistic behaviors and some really bad parenting, but my own mental and physical health and personality weirdness seems to just be a part of me, not their doing.

My own weird personality and illnesses are the things that I think make my life so hard for me, much more than anything else they ever did. I don't feel that I fit in this world, and nowhere can I seem to find the answers I need, and yet, I do find some answers I need. I keep searching. I have found so much, and I see things and sense things others don't see, and it's only perhaps because of my own weirdness and challenges that I've been able to see things like that, to know and sense things like that. Not in all cases, but in some ways, I think my weird perceptions are due solely to my peculiar and outrageous entanglement of challenges.

Then too, I saw a quote today that said something like, "how can you let yourself ignore all of the blessings that you have today, knowing how much you wished and longed and struggled to get where you are? And knowing how much you dreamed and would die for this level of peace and wellness, and now your wishes have come true?" Well, I think I might have changed the wording a lot and perhaps added a lot of extra ideas in there. But I'm not going to try to look up the original quote right now. Maybe later, if I feel like it, just to see how ideas and feelings evolve and memories distort and get embellished in my mind, without me realizing it.

And that is so true for me, all that I wrote about that quote is true for me now. There are so many things I can be thankful for, enjoy, take refuge in, grow with, learn from, shelter in and lean upon. Who knows where my future will go thanks to all of these amazing, incredible blessings. I guess it's times like these that is the most important thing. Sometimes you can't move past something, and you have to move up. That is an idea which I got from the book 'The Lightmaker's Manifesto', by Karen Walrond. Sometimes things are just too complex and overwhelming, but sometimes you can still uplift yourself anyway, despite all that.

Maybe you cannot possibly even see it all or understand it all and process it all, much less deal with and take care of all these worries, crises, and problems that loom ahead of you. But maybe you might often be able to find a higher perspective, some good thing to hang on to and grow from or learn from or try with, and then see what comes from that. One day at a time, no promises, and yet, maybe it will trunk out far better than the more predictable and guaranteed path. Or if not, then well, it's not where you're going, it's what you've been through. You deserve so much credit just from struggling through life, for keeping going, for trying the best you can, or see how and feel able to do.

when it comes to my life goals too, I think maybe there is a hint of what I can make of myself, of my life, in all of this too. Maybe what I want and need to do with my life is not what a lot of others would expect. And maybe many would not approve of or understand what I need in life, overall. But maybe it's all that I can do with my life, and what I need, what I want, what moves me and calls me, what I should do, what fulfills me. Maybe it's what I can really believe in and live by, when it comes to my values, my goals, and my life path.

The disorder and disease holds clues for the cure, but if not the cure then it holds abundant clues for what will work, and what I can cope with, how and where to find hope. How to define and picture what is realistic for me to hope for. The disorder and disease hold clues for the shadow side of myself that I have to work with or compromise with, lest it take me over while I'm blind to it. Lest it destroy and distort and contort my self-concept, and worldview and moral self.

That is what it might easily, quickly do, I fear, if I just take the most obvious course of ignoring it. If I let myself be in denial of it. That's what happened before, so many years of my life trapped in such twisting, contorting, lost and blind cycles.

But now I don't know how far down it could go. Maybe a certain amount of my current hard-won self-awareness will always be persistent and indestructible. Like an eye that can never be closed again, third eye, sixth sense, awakened heart, I can't unfeel, unsee, undo some of this inner process.

But even now, a great amount of damage can still be done, a huge, incapacitating amount of damage, quickly and perhaps irreversibly. I think that I can sense this, quite clearly and logically, though I can't express the why and how clearly in words. And I have to be very careful and attentive, work hard and sometimes work lazily, intuitively to follow the impulse and feeling, to keep myself safe from all that decay.

I'll do all I can to stay safe from all that decay. I will do what I can, as long as I can have the freedom, space and conditions I need that let me do so. And I'll fight hard or intuitively, seizing the chances as they alight and I sense them, doing all I can to preserve my freedom and space and conditions that let me do this, too. It might not look like much to others, might look like bad choices, wrong priorities or even some moral failures. But they don't know what I need, and what I'm capable of doing, nor what I'm incapable of doing, or incapable of even learning how to do, at this time, or perhaps ever.

Since to know one's weaknesses gives you a certain strength or at least a certain safety, and the ability to protect and care for your real needs, even if that looks shameful, or wrong, to those that do not understand. My shadow makes me real and lets me dwell within reality.

The shadow side of the personality, a concept from Carl Jung, has also been elaborated and expanded upon and sometimes revised by others. One way of defining the shadow is that it is a part of our minds, our souls that holds unconscious or half-conscious aspects of ourselves. And these tucked away shadow aspects can sometimes be good, sometimes bad, or sometimes it depends on how you use it, or manage it.

The shadow contains sides of ourselves that are unaware or denied or misunderstood or minimized, distorted, or confused. Despite not understanding or seeing these sides of ourselves, they still run the show sometimes. They can take over, even without us realizing or seeing it. Cognitive dissonance or dissociation block our conscious awareness and we act out in all kinds of ways, driven and unaware. The shadow can also be repressed because of society, cultural norms and relationships, when others don't hold a space for us to be, to see, to know our explore who we are, how we feel, or what we are experiencing. Sometimes there is no language or concept that expresses who we are adequately, and sometimes we can't see it clearly ourselves, either. In an effort to find words, ideas and ways to deal with it or work with our own feelings and experiences and urges, sometimes we find labels and boxes that fit very poorly. We may just need to have a name and a framework that we can use to address our reality. Sometimes we do damage to our own selves this way, even when others don't do so, because in the desperation for answers, we find or create ones that don't fit. But a bad answer might work better than no answer at all.

That leads me to where I feel like I am now, in my journey to try to find my purpose, my goals and how to live my life, what to expect or aim for in my own life. In this journey, I lean on a crazy quilt of coping mechanisms. It's made of many cut-out pieces of many religions and different moral and philosophical systems and psychological systems. But there have been pieces of myself that didn't fit with any of these systems. And I couldn't make them fit or work with anything I could come up with on my own, yet, either.

Pieces of me that I didn't know how to manage, so these shadows wreaked much damage. And all I could do was try to minimize or control the damage it as much as possible. I could neither see them clearly nor see where they fit, nor could I see how to keep them from doing harm. But I kept trying to see them, somehow, any way that I could. I have kept trying to see what could reach them or help me to understand them, and how to place them into some sense of sanity and rightness, order and goodness.

I needed something to make me feel like I have a place in this world where I can function and maintain an acceptable level of safety and goodness in my life. I didn't aim to be any saint, but I needed to feel like my life belonged and I was worthy as a person.

And, yes, I know. Many people say that everyone is worthy, just because they exist, and I believe that myself, I guess, I think, even with the most extreme examples of dysfunction and decay. And yet, worthy of what? And how? And even if they're worthy, in theory, it's one thing to know we're all worthy, and it's another thing to feel that you are worthy, and to not feel torn apart by grief and emotional confusion and cognitive dissonance.

But parts of my shadow have been like a fire for me, sometimes like a fire that I couldn't control, so sometimes I killed it entirely for a while, or kept it very small and hidden, useless. But that fire might have contained my spark of life and joy, pieces of my deepest self, if I could reach and maintain it.

These shadow sides of me are like a fire, something that isn't inherently wrong or harmful in itself. Or like a disease that causes symptoms both physical and mental symptoms, that can harm me greatly, and harm others in the ripples it makes in my life too. Unless I can clearly see how to manage the illness, and what it even is, then wrong labels and wrong treatments can only go so far, and sometimes can do far more harm than good.

But I'm starting to sense how to make it fit, and how to treat it. I'm starting to sense the right labels and treatments, and to free and tame and train the beast. I hope that I am starting to see this, at least. I think I am. I just haven't yet put it into words, so I'm still on hold, here in my brain. But books are helping me too. Words and ideas I couldn't' find the words for are hinted or unfolded in books. So I'm waiting and digging and excavating and piecing together the next piece of my crazy quilt religion, and crazy quilt worldview, or maybe just my crazy quilt self.

[natureansoul]

A Shout Out to Empaths and a Tribute to Sinead

So much of my writing these days is spiritual in nature. Since first memories I have had a strong connection to and awareness of my spiritual, or higher self. It has always been at the core of my being and held values. Growing up, it was confusing to realize that others around me were not as sensitive. I was often teased, mocked and ostracized because of it. And so deeply misunderstood. But I persevered through life, not knowing I carried with me not only a heightened awareness and sensitivity to my surroundings, but that it was also tied to CPTSD, generational trauma, and a neurodiverse brain.

It seems many of us who identify as empaths have had unusually rough upbringings. I think the connection there is that trauma will cause a child to escape within. But by going within, we find that place of consciousness spoken of as Christ Consciousness, what Jesus referred to as the new covenant. To find the Kindgom of God, truly, we must look within. This becomes our lifeline and unbreakable connection to God/Universe/Creator. We learn early on to let go and trust, and rest in this holy place. From here we know we are not alone, and can face anything the world throws at us. Almost.

Our world is in crisis never before experienced in the history of creation. Not only do the current wars and conflicts threaten humanity on a scale unimaginable, but also climate change, and the emergence of AI. And guess what? We get to own this, humanity. We created this. So now it's time for us to smarten up. We have choices to make. We need leaders to step forward with clear vision for a very different future. And beware any who suggest anything less that a complete revolution. But that revolution needs warriors. Here is where those of us who have connected to Source are being called to service. Empaths, Lightworkers, Rainbow Warriors, by whatever name, you are feeling your calling.

if you expect that stepping into a role as a guide and support for humanity will be some magical, instant transformation into a gentle Being of Light and Love, no. Just No. Speaking from personal experience, this has often been a really ugly, dark and painful ride. Adding to the confusion, simultaneously we are also experiencing random connections to Source where we are indeed feeling the love and power of God/Universe. A very unsettling roller coaster, that challenges our self-identity and sense of reality at the core. It feels like we are changing so rapidly from day to day that we are almost different people. But this transformation is essential. We are needing to process heavy stuff now, to be able to step into our roles strong and ready. And we need to watch out for each other. Know you are not alone, and not going crazy. You are becoming. Trust this. But do the hard work and recognize when you are burning out and need help.

We recently lost such a dear Sister. Sinead O'Connor was one of the rares. A Heyoka empath. The pain she carried her entire life was the collective pain of the world. Her work here was significant. The rest of the world saw only a talented but troubled artist. But for us empaths, we recognized her gifts. We knew her true work and calling. We understood. I hope her passing was gentle. Her life here wasn't. But she showed us how to live fearlessly and with conviction, true to self.

May we work to live just as courageously. But heed the painful lessons. Sinead didn't have the supports needed for someone with her extreme sensitivities. Had those been in place, I can only imagine what she could have accomplished. I will say it again. Sensitives need safe people and safe places during this time. We need buffers. We are gifted, but fragile right now. It's time for humanity to recognize there is a significant portion of us that function differently in this world. Let's start embracing the unique and diverse abilities that are surfacing in individuals. For the win.