#that song one was hard actually i had to do some soul searching

[iknwreid]

sweet nothing – spencelle.

“industry disruptors and soul deconstructors and smooth-talkin' hucksters out glad-handin' each other and the voices that implore, “you should be doin' more" to you, i can admit that i'm just too soft for all of it"

wc: 1.1k | disclamers: comfort. im thinking second season spencelle. | a/n: english is not my first language, i just really love spencelle and taylor swift. this song is literally them. text divider by cafekitsune.

It was too much for her. This job was all Elle ever wanted: make her father proud, to do good, to arrest some crazy sons of bitches. But sometimes, just sometimes… It was too much. When she got home, she'd sit on her couch and stare off into the distance, her gaze lost, only her mind working, wondering if it was really worth it. It was hard to give up and it was not like her. She would never do that. Being the first female profiler in the BAU was not something to give up. And that's why she couldn’t afford to show her weakness to anyone. They would certainly misjudge her, she wouldn’t be good enough. Too soft.

Elle was soft. Tender, friendly, sweet. Sometimes a little awkward. Spencer could see that through the mask she wore. He could notice all her little details. She was too important to him, of course he would know her. Elle made Spencer feel like a whole person and not a crazy nerd with only that to show. She listened to him when he talked about anything, – “What a mind, Reid.” – even if she did not really understand, and he sat by her side when she wanted company but was not brave enough to say so. They were good for each other like no other. There were only a few words in the air, but it was just perfect for their connected minds.

Every now and then, one case would get rougher than the other, and it was inevitable not to let it affect her. Perhaps even impossible. Elle sat at her desk, Spencer in a chair beside her. They were silent for a moment, looking at the case file and writing all the horrors back into their memories. Spencer looked at her, tracing all her features and looking at her mysterious face that was glancing at what seemed to be nothing. She had recently cut her bangs. Reid found that lovely, it really suits her, he thinks. 

“Elle.” A voice they recognize echoes through the bullpen. Hotchner stands on the steps of the staircase with a serious look on his face. She stands up before answering. “Yes, Hotch?” she swivels her hips and walks towards him. Spencer watched the scene not quite so discreetly, his eyes fixed on the two familiar faces. He could see Hotchner opening his lips to say something, but he couldn’t hear what he was actually saying. He knew, however, that these words absolutely crashed Elle’s mind. She was an expressive person, and he definitely inferred the topic of conversation when her face turned into a miserable expression as her hands grabbed at her arms to hold onto something to keep herself from falling. Reid stood up without moving, but he was ready to if he had to. Not even a second later, all he saw was Elle leaving the bullpen, faster than ever before. Even faster than when they had vacations. His eyes searched for her, not wanting her to leave.

Spencer walked up to her and touched her on the shoulders as she stood in the hallway. “Hey, Elle?” His voice was soft and low, he did his best not to startle her. She turned to him, her eyes moist and an astonished expression on her face. “What happened there?” he dared to ask. She was silent, open-mouthed, as if searching for the right words.“He said I should have done more.” Greenaway said at the moment a tear welled up on her face. Spencer stared into her eyes, not knowing exactly what to say, in fact, not even knowing what he wanted to hear. “You've done more than enough, Elle.” His hands softened the touch in her shoulders, sliding down her arms and then over her hands, touching them lightly before crossing his arms. She looked down at the floor and nodded her head slightly. She was disappointed with herself. And she knew she should be doing more, but hearing that from another person was soul wrecking. Hotchner's words were like waves crashing on the shore. “No, he's right, Spencer.” 

It was natural for him to embrace her. He didn't even think about it, he just hugged her and tried to comfort her in a better way than with words. Spencer felt that words were a good way to comfort, but right now he needed the feeling that Elle was safe in his arms. The feeling that she wasn't going to leave and stay alone in her house thinking about leaving for the best of it. She didn't say in words that she had done this before, but he knew it was true. He had done it before, too. And they were so much alike that he could sense that his hunch was right. Elle didn't immediately respond to the hug, but just seconds after she felt him hugging her, she couldn’t resist the urge to feel him too. Her hands ran carefully over his upper back as she breathed in his scent, a mixture of black coffee and wood. It was so comforting, it felt like home. Not her house, but home, like going back to New York City after so many years. 

Spencer ran his hands briefly through her short hair after she released the hug; he wanted more, he felt so comfortable with her touch that he craved more. Every time he felt her close to him, he didn't care about the rest of the world, he didn't care if the end was coming or if everyone was up to something, he only cared about Elle. More than anything, he wanted her to be well. In fact, he needed her to be well. Despite that, Spencer didn't expect her to be fine. How could she? How could Elle be fine after everything that had happened?

“You're incredible, Elle. Don't let anything convince you otherwise.” He said, looking into her eyes again. It was a mesmerizing sight, Elle’s eyes. “Please.” Reid added with an almost stupid face, he liked her so much it was painful.

Elle didn't say anything, she just hugged him again because she wanted that feeling once more. Spencer never wanted nothing from her. It was a strange feeling when someone didn't always want 100% from you. All those things he said, not only today, but everytime she needed, – sometimes even when she didn't need it – Elle had never felt so loved. She trusted him so much. Every time she felt insane, Reid’s voice was in her head, whispering sweet nothings to her.

“I think I'm just too soft for all of this.” She said, nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck. He could feel her warm breath on his skin. Spencer pressed her against his body and sighed as he lightly stroked her back.

Spencer wanted to tell her how much he liked her, how much he loved her, despite what anyone said to her, being soft in this job wasn’t a flaw, it was actually a virtue. He didn't say anything, he didn't need to. She knew it, Elle knew it. It was their sweet nothings.

[mo-ok]

2, 5, 7, 8, 9, 17, 18, 4

I got asks for days!!!

2. First show? - the first sentai i watched was kyuranger! (picked it cause my cats name is Champ and let me tell you I was NOT ready for all the bullshit they put that poor cow robot through 😂😂😭) also finished my first kamen rider (Ghost) last night and i dont think i'll ever emotionally recover holy shit

4. Current/most recent? - I JUST WATCHED THE FIRST EPISODE OF KINGOHGER AND IT WAS FUCKING GREAT i'm so excited to see where this show goes 🐌🦋🐛🐜🐝🪲🐞

5. Fav main hero? - ok no but Takeru Tenkuji is a precious boy and i dont understand why I saw so much hate for him HE'S JUST A PURE FORCE OF POSITIVITY??????

8. Fav series? - its go onger. Hands down no contest its go onger (i am unable to be normal about go onger actually)

9. Fav theme song? - opening song goes to Zyuohger, ending song is Hurricanger 10/10

18. Meet an actor? - if I could speak japanese then Yasuhisa Furuhara (sosuke) but in like an actually... Eka Darville or Milo Cawthorne 😌😌

[runaeveena]

Your dashboard if you were in a d&d fantasy world still involved in fictional erotica discourse part 2

⛰️ berenicesblade Follow

now that the new Mountain Angel volume has come out can we please tag spoilers, some of us are still waiting for our pigeon mail

🦚 faeynadaughter Follow

you can access the volume in full on TomePlane!

🎭 bardcampistrash Follow

until TomePlane acknowledges that its interplanar storage is made possible by binding aboleths to the plane and killing them then we are going to continue not using that platform, thanks

🦚 faeynadaughter Follow

aboleths killed my cousin who was a royal cleric. ill never understand why theres a whole movement to protect abyssal creatures when theyve caused so much damage to our kingdoms. and disliking a pocket dimension which provides thousands of people access to books? your attitude reeks of anti literaturism and mal-aligned virtue signaling and im not sure which is worse

🫒 tenthday237 Follow

Aliizya gets pregnant on page 62

⛰️ berenicesblade Follow

banished

620 Notes

🏰 finchtruther Follow

okay but the way that faelor finch writes every song that perfectly fits pennbiel liiike its giving closet fangirl

🧭 waywardwarlock

seriouslyy!! like what else is "give me your unmarked hand / in the shadowfell we won't be a secret" supposed to be about if not pennipher and corabiel

16 Notes

🌫️ cloudgiant-snailboy Follow

yall please dont fill up the unseen servant tag with your super fucking weird smut posts im just looking for tips on how to find my unseen servant

🪡 scç-writer

the search function on tomeblr does need to be updated but we dont have to kinkshame :)

🌫️ cloudgiant-snailboy Follow

the site is being overrun by virgin degenerates

🍯 treebarkhookhandwagondoor

sounds like you need Wilam the Wizard with Wandering Hands to help you summon the unseen stick in your ass

290 Notes

🗝️ crypt-princess Follow

so whose going to be the first to commission a painting of that scene with Aliizya and the beholder 👀

🍎 bloodmaledickening Follow

i already asked my local artisan he said he's gotten two other commissions for the same scene lmao

🐁 softbarbarian

girl i commissioned a tapestry

45 Notes

🕯️ andersfirelight Follow

friendly reminder that devil deals are a real thing that a lot of people fall victim too and that demons are malicious and do destroy peoples lives if theyre not careful so please be careful when consuming works like Hellionfinity which romanticizes devil deals and fiendish soul contracts

🌾entangled-farmer Follow

imo any work of fiction that involves a romance between any type of fiend is not just problematic but harmful

🕯️ andersfirelight Follow

i used to be indifferent to books that had devil romance interests because like thats their whole thing theyre seducing people to get their souls and the mc overcomes it, but reading through the replies i see that Hellionfinity actually ends with the devil character as the main romantic lead which is super problematic in terms of power imbalance and the fact that he has a redemption arc is so out of touch especially since our military is finally recovering from the azgurian assault

🧚🏻‍♂️arms-of-faelor

helliofinity also has a scene where the main character uses a soul coin that an imprisoned mortal gave him and he uses it to bring the devil out of avernus so he doesnt fully die and no one in the book mentions it or talks about how messed up it is to use soul coins and we never see the now bound to hell prisoner ever again

🕯️ andersfirelight Follow

hellionfinity officially cancelled on my end!

88 Notes

☘️ celest-ial Follow

moment of silence for all the customers waiting on drink orders while the tavern wench gets her back blown out by a new guy every night ✊😔

🦁 king-killa Follow

the gods work hard but Girthy Gladys gets worked harder

57,022 Notes

🎲 beholdersbeholdingme

paladin and warlock romances are OUT! cleric and necromancer romances are IN!

🪭 royalcoinpurse Follow

the only thing a cleric should do to a necromancer is beat him to death so she can revive him and kill him again

🎲 beholdersbeholdingme

❇️ arch-dryad Follow

i think we need to analyze why we're so quick to place women in categories of devious seductress or healer in romance novels as if that hasnt been the pervasive trope that holds magic-touched women back in our actual society

🍯 treebarkhookhandwagondoor

why do you assume these fictional tropes are mf couples only? can a gay cleric not beat his gay necromancer boyfriend to death?

🎲 beholdersbeholdingme

and off! beat him off cmon guys

5,275 Notes

🧀 weremouse Follow

yall ever be talking or whatnot and feel like no one understands you

🪨 sebrenenogdon Follow

ᛄᚠ ᛡᚢ ᚳᚪᚾ ᚱᛁᛞ ᚦᛄᛋ ᛡᚢ ᚺᚪᚠ ᛏᚢ ᚱᛁᛒᛚᚪᚷ ᚦᛄᛋ

🧀 weremouse Follow

say that shit fr (<- looking around clueless)

🪨 sebrenenogdon Follow

ᛋᛁᚱᛁᚪᛋᛚᛁ

60 Notes

🌠 crownofstars

remember when that person made a call out post for the author of ilairepeler for using a ghost writer and it turned out the author was an actual ghost. writing. like a literal ghost writer. like.

🍄gnomestool Follow

arent you the dwarf that fucked a slaad

🌠 crownofstars

how would you like to become a ghost so you can write more witty comments like this for eternity

301 Notes

[wonijinjin]

THE WEEKND SERIES: OFTEN - LEE JIHOON

author’s note: bringing producer woozi to yall, because he is the best.

synopsis: as shy as you are about your thoughts, a moment of braveness might earn you something you have been wanting for a long time.

word count: 0.6k | genre: fluff | pairing: woozi x gn! reader | warnings: mentions of food

the masterpost of this series can be found here.

“i am glad you are this interested in music.” your brother said while you were sitting next to him in his room, watching him make beats on his computer. “but if you really want to learn about it you should talk to woozi, he is the pro among us.” you knew what he meant, there have been many times when you watched woozi make music for fun, his talent was really unmatchable. “are you talking about me again?” the best friend of your brother stepped into the room, lazily dragging his feet across the soft rug. “who else, silly?” you replied before your sibling could have the chance, earning a knowing grin from him. “i am gonna go out to buy us some dinner, what do yall want?” he said while rising up from his spot in front of the keyboard. “whatever you guys choose works for me.” you blurted out, to which you got a nod.

soon after taking woozi’s order you were left alone with him, who had taken over the computer and started recording some lyrics. “is it hard to write lyrics?” you asked curiously, leaning closer to the screen to see what he was writing about. he turned to face you, looking directly into your eyes. “not if you have the right inspiration. for example someone you love, or just feelings you want to express but cannot with anything other than music. it is a real soul cleansing experience, really relaxing actually.” he answered without hesitation to which you got flustered; you have been trying to express the thoughts on your mind about him for quite a while now, amongst them many which were still unknown to you. “and what if i don’t know what i feel?” your question seemed to be catching him off guard, but he quickly regained composure. “show me your ideas. i will help.” his words were well emphasised, every syllable holding so much weight in the quiet room. your gaze was avoiding him, some type of unbelievable embarrassment coming over you as soon as you thought about him seeing your lyrics. you hesitantly opened your notes, letting him go through them. “you seem to have one person as the center of the lyrics. you must really love them, huh?” he smiled fondly while looking at your red face. “i do.” you whispered into the air. “how often do you think of the person in the lyrics?” he leaned closer, nose almost touching with yours. you gulped, but didn’t dare stay silent. “often.” he tilted his head. “is that so?” he laughed loudly, the air being filled with something even more beautiful than his music; happiness. “i think about you often too. when i eat, when i sleep, in my dreams, i do this every day, same cycle.” he stopped hin front of your face yet again, searching for your eyes which were pinned on the floor. “look up at me.” you did as he told. “i know these are about me.” he pointed at the phone in your hands. “i might be insensitive or unbothered, but i am a lyricsist, you know. i can tell.” you heard footsteps from the hallway knowing your brother was home. “we will continue this discussion about us at my studio while making this fantastic lyrics into a song, alright?” he winked at you before pulling away and maintaining a normal expression. “i have a few ideas. we ain’t gonna sleep at all tonight.”

[camelotremix]

2024 Camelot Remix - Reveals & Masterpost!

♥ Thank you everyone for joining us again for another fantastic year, we hope to see you all again next year!

♥ We've had some amazing remixes this year and want to thank all of our remixers and pinch hitters for your hard work - you've been FABULOUS.

♥ Thank you to everyone who read, commented, kudosed or showed love in any way for the works created. And if you haven't left some comments, kudos, or love, here's your chance!

Your ever-loving mods, Sknits & Fifty ♥

FIC:Brechtjeeatscheese created Standing still; for six months and two weeks for MerlinLikeTheBird (Merlin/Arthur, Gwaine/Percival – Gen – 2605w) Summary: We all know Percy influenced Arthur to finally undertake action with Merlin. But what if he had underlying motives? And what if Gwaine has something to do with it too? Eventually all knights get involved.

FIC:queerofthedagger created This Song and Dance (The 'Balancing Act' Remix) for polomonkey (Merlin/Arthur – Teen and Up – 1200w) Summary: The thing is, Merlin has been thinking about it. About Arthur and the grief that he wears like penance, how he fits so easily into the spot beside Merlin. How he always has, and how, for all his talk about leaving, he does not seem to be in a hurry. --- Between circus shows and late nights, Merlin and Arthur figure themselves out, one step at a time.

FIC:eachpeachpearplum created wandered out in the world for years (the king and the knight remix) for HadrianPeverellBlack (Gwaine/Merlin – Gen – 800w) Summary: Gwaine doesn't like Arthur. Respects him, sure. Admires his fighting prowess, yeah. Envies his freedom and pities his lack of it in equal parts. He'll follow him into battle and mostly follow orders as he does so, because chances are Arthur’s on the right side of a fight, and even if he isn't he's got Merlin to push him until he is. But he's more than capable of all that without actually liking the man. Or: Arthur and Gwaine search for Merlin during the deleted scene from A Servant of Two Masters.

FIC:TrebleMaker07 created A Time to Mourn, and a Time to Dance [Remix] for scotscookie (Merlin/Arthur – Explicit – 1478w) Summary: After a night of drinking with Morgana, Arthur goes home to wind down.

FIC:Ynnealay created The Best and Terrible (An Extended Remix) for linorien (Gen – Teen and Up – 30,691w) Summary: After meeting the Druids, Morgana cannot sit idly by while Uther’s tyranny against magic continues; but, taking action may put her in more danger than she can get out of alone. Meanwhile, Merlin struggles under the loneliness of his secret, and wonders who he’s destined to be. A story about working together, magic reveals going better than expected, and Uther Pendragon being the worst man ever.

FIC:merthurmagic025 created Where We Find Our Peace for queerofthedagger (Merlin/Arthur – Gen – 2687w) Summary: Arthur looked the most relaxed Merlin had ever seen him; his hair was a golden mop, glistening droplets of water traveling down the planes and angles of his face. Merlin’s eyes followed one, down the side of Arthur’s sculpted nose, reaching his plump lips where Arthur’s tongue darted out to catch it.

Merlin tore his eyes away and let his face break out into a bright grin as he looked into Arthur’s eyes. “You could’ve told me that we were going for a swim; I would’ve complained far less.”

Arthur rolled his eyes slightly. “I was going for a swim,” he replied, “you simply decided to follow me.”

A remix of Bad Choice of Words in My Alibi by queerofthedagger

ART:schweet_heart created Reluctantly in Love for chaosgenes (Merlin/Arthur – Gen – Digital Art & 127w) Summary: Arthur has waited for Naming Day all his life, but could not be more disappointed when he finds out who the Soul Stone names for him. It isn’t the prisoner he meets in the dungeons, but his heart aches for him anyway.

Merlin has never thought about soulmates until they come knocking at his door in Ealdor. Convinced that there’s something wrong with the Soul Stone, he travels to magic-banned Camelot to end its influence. He never thought that he would be enraptured by the crown prince who comes to interrogate him.

FIC:linorien created Disillusion (a remix of Light Pollution) for Ynnealay (Gen – Gen – 1041w) Summary: Some of Merlin's letters to Arthur over the years.

ART:kairennart (personaje) created earnest and respectful (The so easy, and the words so sweet Remix) for EachPeachPearPlum (Lancelot/Merlin – General Audiences – Art) Summary: They sit on Merlin's bed at night.

FIC: MyKingdomComeUndone created Our little remedy (the “In this state of classical denial” Remix) for fifty_fifty (Merlin/Arthur – Explicit – 10,660w) Summary: Merlin and Arthur enjoy getting off whenever (and wherever) they can find the time. Sometimes, this makes things... let's say interesting for the people in their life, whether they like it or not. or Five times poor Leon got a much closer look at Merlin and Arthur's sex life than he wanted, and one time things played out a little differently

FIC: chaosgenes created Step by Step (a “Danced into My Heart” remix) for TrebleMaker07 (Merlin/Arthur – Explicit – 1513w) Summary: Arthur watches Merlin perform The Nutcracker ballet on opening night and is entranced, and aroused, by his dance.

FIC: little_dhampir created Timezones (the Boys are Back in Town Remix) for Laevateinn (Gwaine/Percival – Teen – 1500w) Summary: Gwaine never thought he'd meet someone like his boyfriend. Percival was tall and handsome and so incredibly nice it could be tooth-rotting. And he loved Gwaine, with all his flaws and sometimes too-loud behaviour. Jesus, did Gwaine miss him.

FIC: HadrianPeverellBlack created (Are you sure you) Love Me ((say you) Love Me Remix) for Salamandair (Merlin/Arthur – General Audiences – 595w) Summary: Merlin still can’t really believe Arthur wants to marry him, or that he loves him.

Probably, is Arthur's fault anyway

ART: Stelle_loves_reading created Truth, truth, truth for Personaje (Lancelot/Merlin – not rated – art) Summary: "Lancelot, I can explain—"

“Who are you?” He drew his sword. There was a reason why he had not run back to that clearing, why he drew his sword instead of throwing it away, and it was that the Merlin he knew would have never let him believe he was dead. For years.

"Lancelot, it really is me," he said, his hands raised. Lancelot swallowed.

"Prove it," he said, because yes, he was that desperate.

Merlin took a step forward. Lancelot adjusted his stance, gripped his sword tighter.

Eyes locked, Merlin's glowed. Hundreds of tiny golden lights appeared around them, like fireflies but warmer.

FIC: lavender_spice created Rush In My Veins (Every Bit As Much Yours Remix) for moonflower999 (Merlin/Arthur – Gen – 1157w) Summary: It is a morning like any other, until it isn't.

FIC:salamandair created Gladiators/Spartacus (the ‘Let us entertain you!’ remix) for Dylan_M (Gwaine/Percival – Gen – 2351w) Summary: Percival and Gwaine had been forced to fight each other for entertainment. Now, Percival was being ordered to take his opponent’s life.

ART: Merlinlikethebird Sun and Snow for merthurmagic025 (Merlin/Arthur – Gen – Art) Summary: “Merlin! Your hands are freezing, what were you thinking?”

FIC: laevateinncreated I will show you how to dance (remix of Stelle's Mercelot Cinderella AU art) for Stelle_loves_reading (Lancelot/Merlin – Teen and Up – 1055w) Summary: For a few weeks now, Merlin had been attracted to a human home. At first, he had strayed in this direction accidentally, following the wind and sounds, only coming close to the property. Then, he had realised to whom this house had once belonged to. ~ A Cinderella AU, based on Stelle's art for the Camelot Remix 2024!

FIC: scotscookie created Breaching the Walls (The Tower Remix) for schweet_heart (Merlin/Arthur – Teen and Up – 3884w) Summary: Uther has a decision to make - what does he do about Merlin?

FIC: polomonkey created Tattered and Torn and Born To Be for lavender_spice (Gwen/Morgana – Explicit – 2350w) Summary: Gwen awaits Morgana's return from a dangerous mission.

FIC: Zorbo_Jorks created Sage Words for Vague Woes ('The secrets we keep' Remix) for little_dhampir (Leon/Morgana, Arthur/Merlin – Teen – 2000w) Summary: When Arthur witnesses his best friend, Merlin, doing magic, he goes to his sister for advice, feeling betrayed and confused by the whole ordeal. Morgana receives a surprise visit from her brother, troubled and seeking her counsel for what must have been the first time in his life. Though he seems adamant not to tell her exactly what is wrong between him and Merlin, she and her young son, Mordred, try to help where they can.

FIC: moonflower999 created More Than I Deserve (The King Arthur’s Throne Remix) for brechtjeeatscheese (Gwen/Merlin/Arthur – Gen – 1,096w) Summary: Arthur stands up for himself and those he loves most in the world.

FIC: fifty_fifty created High Society (The "It's A Nice Day To Start Again" Remix) for MyKingdomComeUndone (Arthur/Merlin, Gwaine/Morgana – Explicit – 17,541w) Summary: “So, what do you think of the lasses so far?” Gwaine asked him, as he eyed up the women who were milling about the place.

“Pretty, as they always are,” said Arthur.

It was a truthful answer, which he hoped Gwaine wouldn’t probe him too deeply on. If it had been someone else, he would have tried to summon up more enthusiasm. He hoped, however, that Gwaine was bright enough to realise the circumstances Arthur found himself in by now.

“Well, let me know if you ever have your eye on anyone, and I’ll be sure to steer clear to give you the best chance.”

Arthur scoffed, his pride ruffled.

“As if I couldn’t have any woman I wanted,” he groused.

He was not about to let Gwaine think he would ever consider him as a rival.

“Ah, well, that’s the problem right there, isn’t it. You never seem to want one, Arthur.”

[1galaxia369]

VIRGO RISING ♍️

💚 Timeless Read 💚

Virgos I'm getting you went through some things, some soul searching happened. I see a renewed person! I love that for you! You finally removed the tight restrictions you had on your self and finally are leaning into divine flow. You finally got real with yourself and healed, letting go has to be a life changing feeling for you. I don't know if you realize that this change happened within you yet but it has and you'll never be that old you again. your overall energy at this time is forward movement, things will be picking up and alot will be happening regarding your career and spiritual life also, you might be moving soon or going abroad. It's time for you to start enjoying life now you are too hard on yourself and you put too much of your energy into work (work that isn't for you). You have so many ideas and creative skills and the universe is (not forcing you) giving you a forceful nudge towards working on them and walking the path to your dreams and goals. It's time for some focus, you have an excellent work ethic, towards anything you put your mind to. you will have an entire plan and routine surrounding your plans and that's what you need right now-- to be your self and use that magick you got at birth to do something you love.

In the past or maybe you just went through some struggle and serious lessons. Things like these often leave an imprint on a person, you might be dealing with a scarcity mindset as a result of what happened. Your relationship with money is imbalanced, you might have made a financial choice that you think messed you up or caused struggle but that wasn't the case. The period of time was going to happen regardless of what you did with your money, things like that have to run its course. Your okay now, you don't need to keep up that fear of fucking up aslo, you are human. Also, its okay to spend your money on things that aren't neccessesity. Buying things that makes you happy are just as important as taking care of responsibilities, put something aside for yourself everytime. You need to understand that you actually don't have control over everything in this reality and over yourself. Practice not thinking and planning every single outcome and possibility for everything you do. Give your mind a rest and allow your intuition to lead you. There is a strong need for that listening to SELF and not worrying about things that haven't happened yet, you can't control something that haven't happened yet. Your spirit guides are working hard on your behave, give your self a break and learn to flow. When things arise in that moment you'll know what to do just focus on what's going on right now. This will bring in happiness and emotional stability.

You are in good position to start seriously working towards your dreams. The universe is handing your stability and support, let your intuition lead you now. The signs and messages will be there and you need to pay attention even to the little nudges and feelings you get. If you feel like walking to the park or randomly having a certain song stuck in your head follow those nudges. Little things will lead you to information or help. More importantly the negative self talk and self doubt create noise and you won't be able to hear your inner voice. Please note that when embarking on new journeys you are usually going to be alone and to your loved ones you'll be considered crazy or weird. The people closest to you won't be able to see your vision and won't be much support I'm afraid, so this dream that's about to be fulfilled requires mental strength and complete peace and focus. Meditation and just mindful sitting is a good way to quiet your mind, whenever you start over think or when peoples criticisms start replaying in your head and it's too much, just take deep breaths 3 to focus, 6 to center your self and 9 to release. I see you being in love with all your old hobbies and passions and you'll be going back to learn, whether it's you dedicating time to practice or going back to school or hitting up a mentor. You'll be going back to find yourself and renewing those things you left behind in the pursuit of practicality and doing what society wants. Time to be yourself and honor what self wants and stop living up to the expectations other people put on you.

I recommend some spiritual cleansing, baths and smudging ( sage then palo santo or get a good incense I'd rec. cinnamon or lavender or 7 african powers). Release is good for you 29 deep breaths from the gut. Try some yoga it will help with slowing down your mind and releasing tension.

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

~*~

1. Hi again! For the next fic finder there have been two fics that I keep thinking about, but for the life of me can’t remember the name of nor find in my bookmarks.

A) The first one: i remember this scene where lxc and lwj had spent time away from each other i think due to wangxian’s marriage (most likely arranged or lwj was a war prize?), and when they see each other again they actually hug each other and cry. I remember wwx leaving them alone in the room and going to socialize at whatever event they were at. It was canon era btw if that helps.

FOUND! 💖 love, in fire and blood by cicer (E, 360k, wangxian, immortal WWX, slow burn, pining, arranged marriage, Mojo’s post)  

B) The second one is where the twin jades are kidnapped and wwx saves them. I think it’s told from lxc’s pov. During their captivity, they dont harm lxc but they take lwj everyday and torture him so much that lxc has to spend nearly all of his spiritual energy healing him up every night until wwx saves them. Thanks for helping me out! This blog is really heaven-sent!

1B)

FOUND! Whatever you do by apathyinreverie (T, 8k, wangxian, LXC & LWJ, bamf WWX, bamf LWJ, bamf LXC, not Jiang friendly, not YZY friendly, slightly darker cultivation world, fluff, Fix-it)

~*~

2. Hello for the next ficfinder I was looking for a fic where WRH is like a father figure to WWX. He gives him nice clothes and jewelry as well. When Madam Yu finds it she destroyed it saying that he didn't deserve all the nice things.

FOUND! All Things Belong by kuroi_atropos (M, 64k, WIP, WRH & WWX, WangXian, WWX is a Wēn, Abuse, Whipping, Manipulations, Warning: WRH, Smart WWX, Possessive Behavior, Warning: JGS, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Past Rape/Non-con)

~*~

3. Hello loves! As always, this blog gives me life and you're wonderful people ❤️ I know you just posted a fic finder so my request might take a while, I but whenever my turn comes I have 2 asks of you:

A. There's a specific scene I remember from a Canon divergence fic and it's driving me crazy that I can't remember what fic it's from. Basically either Jin Zixun or Su She (I think. I'm pretty sure. Like 89% sure it wasn't jgy at least) is punished by being forced to hold a boulder above his head. He has to use spiritual energy to keep it from crushing him. Eventually he fails. It is implied that he gave up but maybe was just too weak.

FOUND! ❤️ a stone to break your soul, a song to save it by rikke (M, 180k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, arranged marriage)

B. Ok this one is a series of modern au w/cultivaton sects that focuses on lx and nmj and their relationship despite being in different sects/nmj being a sect leader. One of the fics involves taking everyone on a trip? One is definitely them entering a relationship. They fly on swords to meet up. I think there's a swimming pool scene at one point? It's been a while so I know I'm missing some stuff. @iluvshikamaru

FOUND! Modern Cultivator AU series by Netrixie (T, 74k, NMJ/LXC, wangxian, modern w cultivation, everyone lives au)

~*~

4. Hi! Thank you so much for all your hard work! I'm new here and don't really know how this all works 😅. But i'm looking for a fic where wei wuxian is a surviving member of a search party, who keeps coming back as a clone every time he's killed after questioning. And lan wangji who's the one who believes that "mo xuanyu" isn't who he really is.

FOUND? Contact; a Mirror by raisedbyhyenas (M, 10k, wangxian, modern, Southern Reach au, body horror, fungal horror, comes back wrong, conspiracy, no good choices)

~*~

5. Hello! Fic finder request - WWX never died (though everyone thinks he did), and he's secretly being kept prisoner by JGY. Child Jin Ling accidentally finds him (after escaping his nannies, or whatever), and keeps sneaking back to visit him trying to figure out who he is and why he's locked up. Thank you!

FOUND! 5 sounds like this thread fic

not FOUND ❤️ whipstitch by curiositykilled (M, 131k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Dysfunctional Family, Torture, WWX Lives, but basically no one else, Case Fic, Cultivation Sect Politics, Past Abuse, WWX Whump, YL WWX, JL Needs a Hug, JL Tries, Yunmeng Bro Reconciliation, Past Character Death, Body Horror, Non-Consensual Body Modification, POV Alternating, Flashbacks, Eventual Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Suicide Attempt, PTSD, Depression, Not A Fix-It, Mouth Sewn Shut)

~*~

6. hi! im asking for someone who doesn't have a tumblr. Here's their request: Hello, English is not my first language so I apologize in advance. I'm looking for an ao3 fic where WY breaks free from the WQ needles and goes to the Koi Tower to give himself and his seal in exchange for releasing the Wen remnants. LZ promises to take care of them and the Nie sect gets the amulet. I don't remember anything else, does anyone know what the story is called? I would be very grateful. 🙏🙏🙏 @layzeal @laudh8

FOUND? To Mourn the Young Man by Iamnotawriter (T, 56k, WangXian, anon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF WWX, Most people live, but not the bad guys, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Hurt/Comfort, Golden Core Reveal)

FOUND? Always walked a very thin line by tucuxi (T, 22k, NHS & WWX, JYL & WWX, wangxian, depression, anxiety, everyone lives au, except JZXun & JGS, self-worth issues, slow burn, oblivious WWX, golden core reveal, chronic pain & illness, pining) Not identical, since the amulet gets destroyed, but similar.

~*~

7. Hi! There's a fic i had in mind as an answer to an itmf but for the life of me i cant seem to find it again. Now it's bugging me tho so pls help me find it again🥺

It was a modern with magic au, wangxian, completed, not explicit, probably way over 5,000 words, maybe a oneshot and published more than a year ago, probably more.

Lan zhan had a (flower? Herbs and stuff? Antique? Anything to tinker with? Magic?) shop, and wei ying had started coming in every day to look for a different flower (maybe) because he (or she? may be a genderbender i dont remember) was trying to achieve something with magic (?) but kept on messing up the formula and botching the potion he was creating(?). In the end he finds the right combo of flowers and ingredients and brews a potion that did something "unorthodox", and wen ning was involved somehow.

FOUND! Something Wicked by theroyalsavage (G, 6k, wangxian, magic au, magical realism, strangers to lovers)

~*~

8. I remember reading a story it was posted I think as a single chapter of 30000-40000 around about and in it WWX and LWJ meet in a store I think WWX was an employee and helped LWJ find a toy for A-Yuan, and there was something about gloves either LWJ left them behind or loaned them to WWX

FOUND? A forgotten pair of gloves by myhouseofstoneyourivygrows (M, 43k, WangXian, NieLan, Anxiety Attacks, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con (madam lan's backstory), Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse (past), Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Yúnmèng Siblings Dynamics, Not Jiang Clan Friendly, Chronic Illness (madam lan), Adoption, Fluff and Angst, Domestic Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending (with jiang siblings) )

~*~

9. Hey, for the next fic finder, A) what’s the fic where Lan Wangji can read minds? The first time he walks by Wei Wuxian, he’s hit with the thought that “He’s so pretty, like a statue or a deity. I want to be his friend and get him to smile at me!” And Lan Wangji is pretty stunned, because Nobody wants to be friends. And so Lan Wangji has a front row seat to Wei Wuxian’s on-going Lan Wangji-sexuality crisis.

B) Another fic I’m looking for is a modern AU, Wei Wuxian is the single parent of 12 year old Wei Yuan (Yes, that Yuan) and the new favorite teacher turns out to be Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji is the father, and he took a job because when WW got kicked out he said he was moving into this area. LW never received the letters sent to him because LX intercepted all of them and burned them. LX refused to admit that WY was LW’s at first because he didn’t realize WW had come over the night he was kicked out

@any-mouse

9A)

i dont have a specific fic link for 9A but it sounds like it could be one of the "cherry magic" aus out there if that helps.

FOUND! Too Beautiful For Words, Will My Thoughts Suffice? by Watermelonsmellinfellon (T, 8k, wangxian, fluff, crushes, flirting, telepathy, falling in love, LWJ pov, drama, golden core reveal)

9B)

FOUND! Nothing but your heart by airinshaw (E, 21k, wangxian, modern, ABO, implied mpreg, first time, getting together, angst & drama, happy ending, smut, whump)

~*~

10. ahh helloo. i would be really grateful if you could help me. i remember reading this fic where in CR after wwx punched jzx he was upset and lwj went to talk to him but he said something really hurtful to lwj. ive been trying to find this fic for so long and havent had any luck :((

~*~

11. I'm looking for a tumblr fic set when WWX first comes to Lotus Pier, and Madam Yu almost immediately sets about poisoning him so everyone believes he's sickly, so he won't be a threat to JC. Gradually WWX figures it out through reading books on herbs, but the Wens invade right as he confronts the doctor. Please help, I mostly want to find the author to see what else they've written but this piece really stuck in my head.

FOUND! 11 might be this tumblr post.

~*~

12. hello! please, for the next fic finder i was trying to find a wangxian fic post canon where after they parted ways, lwj found a way for wwx to get a new core, but since it's dual cultivation he goes to tell him in person instead of via letter, and he offers to be the one to help. it's initially very awkward, and it's only cleared up that they have feelings for each other when wwx gets really jealous of the son of a politician or someone from the gentry. can you guys help me?

NOT FOUND in defense of lightning by fruitys (E, 15k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Golden Core Reveal, Getting Together, First Time, Dual Cultivation)

FOUND! Always Light My Way  by cqlorphan (E, 27k, wangxian, post-canon, getting together, friends w/ benefits to lovers, jealous WWX, misunderstanding, pining while   fucking, switch wangxian, bottom LWJ, smut, dual cultivation, archer   WWX, smart WWX, oblivious LWJ, angst w/ happy ending)  

~*~

13. Hello! This request is for the FicFinder. All I remember about the fic is :

- JYL and LXC fall in love with each other as they try to bring WangXian together.

- SZH is older than his peers.

- the children of JYL and LXC are friends with JL(who is the son of MianMian and JZX), Zizhen and JingYi.

- WangXian are quite famous (I think in a good way?)

- the last chapter is from JL's perspective as he visits CR with his mother. And he meets them in the back mountain where the three are playing WangXian I think?

Thanks so much!!✨ @purhplet09

FOUND! Echoes by snowberryrose (G, 41k, WangXian, ChengQing, ChenLi, Family, Canon Divergence, Protective Siblings) suggestion to the person with the request, if the main pairing of a fic you’re looking for is a rarepair, you can use that tag to search and get a much reduced list of fics to look through. like, i remembered the fic you described but not the name, so a search of the jyl/lxc tag + sort by kudos, and it was right neat the top of the list

~*~

14. Hello I'm sorry if this is very vague but there was this fic i read that was along the lines of Genius WWX where he fought the Lan's swordmaster in a spar in Cloud Recesses Arc and ended up getting severely injured but when he woke up in the infirmary, he was told that he was the closest to ever actually beat the man because no one has ever fought against him for so long. Thank you very much and have a nice day!

~*~

15. Hi! Please help me find this fic.

It's premise is that the lan head ribbon can only be unknotted by their fated person. WY unties lz's ribbon accidentally and they are made to marry each other. Accidental marriage, i guess. I think xicheng was also said to be a pairing but I'm not too sure. That's all i can remember.

Hi, i'm the anon who requested #15 here. Sadly "the world passes by but for me there is only you" by beeswaxing is not the fic that i was looking for. Other details i could remember now is that they are made to marry by the lan sect itself and that it is canon divergence before core removal.

not FOUND the world passes by but for me there is only you by beeswaxing (E, 82k, wangxian, canon divergence, fix-it of sorts, golden core reveal, accidental marriage, love confessions, horny teenagers, pining, fluff, everybody lives, first time)

~*~

16. Hi by any chance do you find twitter thread fics? I'm trying to find this mpreg wangxian fic. Where I think Lan zhan is older. And he hasn't told Madame yu yet. And one day he comes home and he's sick. And not moving from bed. Essentially he need contact with Lan Zhan (can't remember if it was an abo or soulmates reasoning. ) Anyway it ends with Lan Zhan coming because he sense something was wrong and facing the jiangs. And Wei ying pregnant. If you can help me I'd really appreciate it @imgonnablogtheworldtodeath

FOUND! this Twitter threadfic

~*~

17. Hi!! I need help finding a mdzs fic, from what I remember this is during sun shot campaign, where wwx loses his memories after the wen attack to him and he becomes a concubine? A concubine or consort, OR LIKE he works at a brothel? SOMETHING LIKE THAT! I just know for sure that he goes by A-Ying, or maybe not quite sure 😭. And LWJ finds him?? But he doesn’t remember him or anything if I’m not mistaken! @sophiesophs

FOUND! tangled by the night by edenwolfie (E, 54k, wangxian , canon divergence, post fall of the Lotus pier, courtesan WWX, crossdressing, angst w happy ending, first time, first kiss, getting together, humor, hurt/comfort, PTSD, sex work)

~*~

18. Hi, I’ve been looking this one fic for forever and it’s where wei ying and lan zhan communicate with resentful or dead crows and one is injured by a lan deciple and lan zhan cares for it. Thanks @fanfic-discussions

FOUND? carried by the wind by saichan (T, 7k, wangxian, different first meetings, post-sunshot, feat. burial mounds crows, rogue cultivator WWX, Yi city warning)

~*~

19. hi! for the next fic finder, im looking for a crossover between mdzs n tgcf i believe? the content is blurry but i do remember that mount tonglu was about to erupt and hualian and maybe other cast of tgcf + wei wuxian (called wu ming) and mdzs sect leaders + lwj were there to investigate. wwx gives his ashes to lwj and throws himself into mount tonglu as sacrifice to appease the mountain. thats all i remember though, and im like 50% sure it was completed. thank u <3

FOUND! Can we skip to the Good Part? by pink-lotus-pods (Waterlogged_fireflies) (T, 107k, hualian, wangxian, crossover, YLLZ WWX, slow build, canon temporary character death, Fix-It of sorts, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, genius WWX)

~*~

20. Hello! I have been looking for a fic I read a while ago which at the time was incomplete but I'm trying to find again. I believe it was fox wwx and dragon lwj, modern au, wwx breaks into a place where somebody died to steal back a dangerous item that he made but lwj came in to sweep through the place and collect any dangerous times, wwx tries talking his way out and when that fails he tries activating one of the random items as a distraction and gets cursed. Sound familiar? Any help appreciated! @genius-dumbass​

I don’t have the link but I think I recognise the fic - I think the item WWX made was a collar, and he accidentally closed it around his neck. If I remember correctly, it was supposed to be a multi chapter fic but it was discontinued after the first chapter. I think the rating was E , and that the writer is someone that usually writes smutty fics. Maybe that will help someone find it?

#9 sounds like an apparently deleted wip 'a steel trap with no teeth' by martyrsdaughter  

~*~

[hkblack]

Hi! I hope you are doing well! I decided to spend my evening like Crowley, asking an important question from fellow GO writers! What's your current favourite story you yourself have written? Tell me why you like it!

Not gonna lie, I saw this and went "MIRJAM WHY ARE YOU SENDING ME ASKS!? you can just dm me on discord you fool" but then I saw what the ask was and got all excited. Thanks darling, this is delightful.

Right now my fave fic from my catalogue is:

Ever-Fixed E, 19,552

Aziraphale Fell had a plan. Go to school, get his degree, and start his life with his beloved at his side as man and wife. Until one day Crowley disappears. Decades later he meets a man, and finds the love of his life again. Anthony J. Crowley, suave, cool, masculine, in control, unflappable, has spent decades building himself up. He refuses to let his confident facade disappear for Aziraphale, who once almost tumbled down the stairs to certain death because his nose was stuck in a book. It’s just sex, and they’ve been dating for months, this time around. There’s no need to get his knickers in a knot. But the past isn’t easy to let go of, even if you’re both avoiding it. A story about love, intimacy, and finding each other again. (Alternatively: Tender smut, but then I wrote love story flashbacks, and now it's just emotional and there's plot in my pornography)

So why?

First, context: this was written for Fandom Trumps Hate 2023 for Andromeda4004. We went back and forth and I almost went "no wait no, I'm not trans I can't write a transman Crowley. oh no. I'm not good enough to pull this off" and then I got bit by a bunny and couldn't not write it.

It's my favorite, and I think it's going to be my favorite for a while because it's the best writing I think I've done to date. It's incredibly emotional and tender. And sitting with this Crowley has been good for me as a person. He's got a few more stories about him he's trying to pull out of me, so actually if you've already read this fic, go click the link and subscribe to the series I dumped it into in case I cave and do write some of the slice of life shit he's calling for. But... in making sure I wrote something that was respectful and joyful for the people who can immediately see themselves in Crowley (as a transman), I not only did a lot of research, and listening, and fretting at my amazing sensitivity reader because oh god writing with no pronouns at all is SO HARD (yeah, YEAH, go reread those flashback scenes folks.), but I also did a lot of soul searching.

Am I trans? No. Nonbinary? Don't think so. Cis? Eh. Probably?

This is something I sort of felt before writing this fic but now, hanging out with this version of this character and trying to do right by him, I'm a bit more comfortable in my Gender Fuckery (or lack thereof depending on the day). And I think that personally I keep rereading this fic not only because this Crowley is seriously not done living in my head shouting ideas at me, but because it's got the soft tender romance that I absolutely live for, and a Crowley who knows who he is, and is comfortable with himself, and is excited for you to get there too. And I appreciate him for holding my hand and letting me tell his story. Also fucking Aziraphale in this fic is a PUMPKIN. ABSOLUTE PUMPKIN. We don't get to live inside his head as much as we do with Crowley, but let me tell you. He's ultimate supportive partner. He is rub your feet unasked for after a long day cause it brings him joy. He knows your favorite color down to the exact shade. He is bought you VIP tickets to your favorite band he doesn't really like, but he likes how you sing their songs in the shower. PUMPKIN.

[bees-tes-blog]

Dd2 ask!

Arisen and pawn

#7, #16

Misc/ au

#7, #8

questions from here!

Arisen & Pawn - What are their least favourite enemies to fight?

perfect question for projecting hard! post jesse's vocation change to mystic spearhand, harpylikes are definitely on that list. having been an archer, adjusting to a combat style with less effective ranged attacks makes flying enemies that would normally be target practice frustrating in a way jesse doesn’t have the patience for. constantly trying to counter their sleep magic as his master flails in their general direction for so long is a drain on mati as well. pre vocation change though? chimeras.

Arisen & Pawn - What is the “silliest” order VS what is the “worst” order your Arisen has given your Pawn? (These things potentially don’t have to be separate.)

I had to think about this one—it’s such a good question that circumstances make so difficult to answer. one thing about jesse is he will not give orders (as much as mati often wishes he did). tbh he rarely even asks for help when he needs it. but I’ll try to answer with what is probably the most foolish thing he’s asked of his pawn. in the version of the stolen throne that exists only in my head, jesse asks mati to accompany him to the masquerade instead of going alone. mati knows this to be an awful idea. after all, pawns are not permitted within the palace grounds—should their mission take a turn for the worse, his presence might only put his master in further danger. but mati is not quick to turn down the opportunity to feel needed. if jesse wants him there, he will go. at the very least, he reasons, this way he'll be at his master’s side, ready to act at a moment's notice in the event something does go wrong. they elect not to tell the captain of their plan. alas, they’re way out of their element. they fumble through their attempts to fit into the gathered company, they miss cues, they distract each other, they linger in places far too long. and as it turns out, a mysterious stranger with an unmistakable otherworldly aura draws attention at such events. slipping away without being noticed proves challenging. at some point after they decide to separate to give jesse a better shot at searching the area, the wrong person catches a glimpse of mati's bared pawnprint and it's all downhill from there. the second he's out of sight once more he rushes to his master's side, and jesse doesn’t need to be told twice that it's time to go. with the help of the very same secret door their quarry disappeared through at the beginning of the night—special thanks of course to lady wilhelmina—they escape by the skin of their teeth, guards losing their trail, before their identities are discovered (by the common crowd, anyway). so there it is. I realize this doesn’t exactly answer the question, but I hope it’s of interest regardless :,)

Miscellany & AU - Share a theme song for each of them

for jesse:

if I'm crazy then it's true that it's all because of you and you wouldn’t want me any other way

and for mati:

under perfection I woke as you protected your home I just kept getting stronger I did my best to control the growing unrest in my soul I could suppress it no longer

Miscellany & AU - What’s that one random fact about them you want to yell about?

since I already do quite a lot of yelling about random facts unprompted, I'm gonna take this opportunity to indulge a little more in something I barely ever do and share a few other misc songs that remind me of them:

champagne supernova - oasis (I added this to the playlist with a very particular image in mind of the final cutscene of ddda even before I knew how much it fit their story in dd2 as well. it's very jesse all around. and the water sounds in the beginning? chefs kiss) the magic position - patrick wolf (so mati. sort of bestowal of spirit to me, even more so for dd2) nothing left to lose - the alan parsons project (I've actually briefly mentioned this one before in a ramble post but I'm bringing it back. it's fitting for jesse at the end of ddda.) paid in full - sonata arctica (post-ddda, after mati’s begun living in jesse’s form. he's crisis 💖 everything about this song is just so perfect for him. runs straight into a wall)

thank you for the ask! <3

[teamdarkweek]

for the ask game: 1, 15 !

Thank you so much for asking!

Full Game is Here

🏠Where do you think they live?

Within my written stuff, I try to vary how they live for funsies. But if I had to pen it out logically:

I think initially (Post Heroes) Rouge intended to take Shadow home and get him some help, and ended up having to take Omega home because he was extremely low power after their adventure. They ended uo staying in her G.U.N. flat, which they were all eventually kicked out of for damage.

However, they don't all live together all the time. Shadow likes to wander, especially around the events of Shadow the Hedgehog he was hard to pin down, he spent a lot of time soul searching. Rouge came into posession of a flat over the club when she got it, and also has a few other properties she calls home like a beachhouse and a ski chalet. Omega most consistently has one home, because his replacement parts and chargers are specific and tricky to replace, and also they mosify them so he can fit. Omega's homes are usually considered Team Dark's HQ, because its where they store all their spare kit and sensitive stuff. Its armed to the teeth.

I do have a story about them building Shadow a home. I think he would like living remotely, in the mountains where the stars are the best. Omega alao struggles to live in normal society, but he quite enjoys the drama of it. Rouge would ideally live on a pile of gold like Gustave in SMTV, but she'll settle for a fancy penthouse somewhere hollywood-esque. So, they don't particularly stay together all the time, but at present they all go back to base quite regularly.

🎶Who has the aux cord most - what do they play?

This is coming up for me in Day 6s story, actually!

Rouge is the owner of the Aux Cord, so she commandeers it. She likes: 80s/90s pop; Jazz; Ballads; and secretly showtunes. She introduced Shadow and Omega to music, and has a fairly nice singing voice but is not very well trained. Once upon a time she played saxophone but is out od practice.

Shadow will only play the music he likes in very close company, and turns it off if anyone spoils or criticises it. He does like rock and emo and the stuff people think are stereotypical of him, and he doesn't like to be teased for it. He also listens to classical and instrumentals and develops a taste for peaceful New Age stuff with time. He has taught himself piano and guitar (got a keyboard fairly cheap, and Sonic left his old guitar lying around once) and does sometimes sing with it. He will immediately stop if anyone is in hearing vicinity, so unconfirmed if he is any good.

Omega does actually have a taste in music: obviously, metal (haha) but also synth, electric pop, and anything quite fast tempo might tempt him, he has yet to like a lovesong. He's also a bit random with what he likes, and never explains what about it or why. He will just sometimes insist on a song being replayed, and occasionally records songs as they're being played to blast at inconvenient moments. They can't find any rhyme or reason as to why he would even have a preference for music, it isn't written in any code, but there is a list he can produce of 'liked songs'. Rouge and Shadow guess it is just another way he is figuring out an identity and what to do with it, so are very happy to encourage him.

Thanks for the ask! 🖤🦇🤖

[saryasy]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ❤

hi jo!!! thank you so much and to @writerkenna and @livingincolorsagain for the asks! okay let's see in no particular order:

1. 500 Days of Winter, M, 16.7K

In a small, dark room in the middle of nowhere, just outside Bucharest, two bodies intertwine. The chorus of sounds and three little words plays over and over and over again. They don't let go for one second.

Tomorrow the world will come knocking at their door, their lives will be turned upside down, but for now, they have each other, and for now, that's more than enough.

Or, the story of Sam and Bucky, and the five hundred days that bound them together.

okay I lied I'm starting with quite possibly my favorite fic I've ever written. I've put a lot of work and care into this one and I'm extremely happy with how it turned out. helps that I was possessed at the time and wrote it quicker than I ever would

2. my struggling form, my willing soul, T, 2K

It was hard, being back into the cold, gray world that was his New York apartment.

Sometimes, his eyes would look around frantically, searching for a sound that rang through the stillness. Only for him to realize that the sound came from within; an old memory, laughter and music, dancing, kids running around. A tender touch to his neck. A satisfied smile of finally being home. Eyes as beautiful as the sunset they were watching, just as striking, just as deep.

He could look at nothing else till the day he died, and would die happy and sure that he’d seen the most beautiful sight this world had to offer.

the first fic in my inspired by Hozier series! it was born into existence through sheer stubbornness (and my deep need to do a bucky character study) I kept listening to the song (which I still fucking love) and reading the lyrics and then this happened and I couldn't be happier

3. darling, i’d go through it again (if i could hold you for a minute), M, 1.8K

There’s an irritating feeling in his chest, making it harder to breathe. It was like this when he first stayed home and Sam started going on missions alone - well not exactly alone, but without Bucky. It took some time, but he got to a better point where he could actually breathe while Sam was away.

This is different, though. This isn’t the tightness of chest he’s come to be on familiar terms with, nor is it the forceful beating his heart has gotten used to dancing to.

He wants to voice it, to let it out, but when he goes to, the words lodge in his throat.

another one from the series and my first MCD! I really liked playing with the fantasy elements in it too

4. for all of the things i am (not), G, 1,8K

‘You’ll find the one,’ people like to say, but the thing is, he already has. He was lucky enough to find him in the scorching desert heat; blond locks that looked like they were on fire, a pair of green eyes so captivating, you couldn’t help but follow them everywhere, and a smile that could bring the proudest men to their knees. He found him, but he slipped away from between his fingers in the darkness of the desert sky as he sank to his fate. Forever falling, forever gone.

Or, Sam's grief catches up with him.

had to throw in my only gen fic up to date and ngl I wanna write another one. unfortunately the engagement with these is quite low I find myself leaning towards character studies with background shipping. but yeah would love to do it again

5. Firsts & Lasts, T, 613

You never know that your last time is going to be your last.

Or, Sam considers his lingering feelings for Riley, and his developing ones for Bucky.

look I have such a soft spot for samriley, I love writing them so fucking much. the tragedy is oh so gorgeous. I really hope to write that samriley idea I have one day

[electronicwitchcollection]

Something else I find difficult about writing, is the constant need to improve every word, every detail, every description. Some times it’s needed, the descriptive words help paint the picture you’re creating with words

It sets the scene, accurately describes the surroundings, the characters, the emotions. It’s important, I get that.

But sometimes, sometimes there aren’t enough words to accurately describe the feeling you are trying to portray. Like the absolute gut wrenching, earth shattering, empty void of pain you feel at the loss of a loved one. I just used three descriptions to describe that feeling, and none of them seem ENOUGH. They’re not as hard hitting as the actual pain, not as twistingly painful, not as destroying, consuming.

The same for love. How do you describe being in love? Poets and writers, song writers have been writing about it for decades, and yet new ways to describe the feelings appear every day. Not one has risen to the top to be “the one”

The feeling of a kiss? Not the press of lips moulding together, no, the way your souls ignites. The warm, tingle of adrenaline, the twisting vulnerability, the fluttering of apprehension, the pride, the openness. What is that feeling? How can we describe the feeling we all know, but have no words for?

I can’t just write “they were sad/hurt/upset” I need to try and accurately describe the absolute ANGUISH you feel in that moment, the heavy weight of dread, the way your heart clenches so PAINFULLY, it feels like it is literally ripping in half. The burn at the back of your throat as your body desperately tries to get rid of that pain, through hoarse screams that rip your throat apart, through rivers of hot, salty tears that burn over your cheeks.

They weren’t just “happy”. I need to get it across how FULL you feel with a warm rush of acceptance, how every scar, every wound on your heart and psyche is healing in soft glow of safety and understanding. Your heart swells and beats so DEEPLY you can feel it in your toes. How a feeling can feel like home, like salvation. How your smile feels two sizes to big sitting on your face, the way things look brighter, warmer. How it absolutely banishes all the times you had struggled in your life, even just for a moment.

I need to do this for myself, for my characters. It’s knowing when to stop is my problem. I don’t want to over complicate every damn sentence.

Sometimes, they just have brown eyes.

Sometimes they look at you adoringly with warm brown eyes.

Sometimes he bore into your soul, crinkled eyes the colour of the smoothest coffee on a cold winters morning, held your unwavering gaze. Offering you all the love and affection that swelled in his heart as he looked at you, growing in strength with every passing day he spent in your company.

Writing is hard. Delving deep into your own emotions and past experiences is hard. Accurately describing your highest highs and lowest lows is hard, it’s exhausting, it’s draining.

Next time you read a story, where the character only had “soft brown eyes” take a moment to think that maybe the author is absolutely at their whits end, mentally, emotionally drained from picking apart their own psyche, that they just needed an easy win.

If you read something with one too many descriptive words, know that the author has taken the time to dig deep into their own past experiences, scoured the internet for alternative words, read multiple other stories just searching for that one word that fits.

Reading is easy, being kind is easy. Laying out your soul for others to read is powerful, brave and so god damn scary, no matter the contents.

To all authors, I salute you. Keep doing what you do, it’s beautiful. So long as you love what you wrote, you’ll always have a fan, your work will always mean something to that one person. Who better than yourself?

[wonusite]

Im listening to one of my fave angst songs (Saçma Sapan by Emir Şamur, i lost count of the times i cried to this song) and i chose wonu as my victim because what better way to torture you?

I like the type of angst that includes the reader being happy after a while and leaves the idol sad and broken and unable to live (probably regrets his life choices) but this will be an exception in some ways

He was the best wizard in your school, the best of best to say the least. He was always rewarded by the professors for his hard work and awesome magic work in every lesson you had

You on the other was just one of the servants who was taking care of the best students in the school. No magic, no special ability, just good at doing anything he, your secret love, wants you to do.

But the school had strict rules, you werent allowed to fall in love with students and this wasnt a problem for you as long as you kept your mouth shut becuse Wonwoo didnt even spared you a glance, you doubted he even knew your name.

No, thats not the problem with your misirable life, the problem is you were supposed to get married in two weeks because of the rules of the world you lived in. Every year, on the sixteenth of april everyone who was born twenty years ago stands in front of the soulmate stone that rests in the middle of the garden of the school you work in. The soulmate stone whispers the name you will marry to the headmaster/mistress of the school.

You dreaded the day, you didnt want to marry when you were so young, you wanted to get out that school, open your own place where you sold books to regular students and have your own roof on top of your head. Sadly, as someone like you didnt have any tangible asset you had to marry whoever the soulmate stone sees fit, in the worst scenario you could reject your soulmate and live a lonely life -because noone would accept marrying you

But it didnt went the way you thought, the first one to stand in front of the stone was wonu because he was favorited by the headmistress. When he was waiting for the name to be whispered he heard a name that not even a soul would expect. It was your name that the soulmate stone whispered

You? Why would you be seen fit for someone like him? Not even the headmistress had an idea but whatever soulmate stone says should be accepted without question so wonu did that and married you

Even while you were married you knew he wasnt your actual soulmate, how could he be? You were aware that he didnt loved you even tho there was a pull between you two.

So you left, left when you saw how passionately he was making love to another extremly talented student of the school. You left because you knew that was bound to happen to you

And that was the day wonu felt the bond start to kill him. After he woke up in his bed with the other student, he felt the biggest, heaviest ache in his chest. He knew what was happening to him, he knew all about it from the books he read but wasnt going to let that kill him, he was stronger than that stupid bond which tied him to a nobody

You on the other hand, was running without feeling your legs, before the teachers and students noticed you were gone you had to find a flower field that you could hide in. It was the only place no magic would work, no one would be able to find you between the natural magic of flowers, a beautiful place would be where you gave your last breath. It was going to be a beautiful death for someone so unworthy like you but you had no other chance

After a week of searching for you and having nothing, wonu decided to go to the soulmate stone and gift it a flower, not just any flower, your favorite to find where you are. He asked your old friend who was also a worker of the school and created the flower with his magic without even putting an effort or thought to it. He just thought that it was a stupid flower to have as the favorite but for someone like you it was fitting, not even in a good way

When he put the flower right in front of the soulmate stone and took a step back he was expecting to hear a whisper telling him where you were so he could find you and kill you to get rid of the bond.

He was a fool to think he could trick the soulmate stone.

"You are not worthy of nothing we gave you" he heard, "You were supposed to protect her, help her find her powers but you just wanted to get rid of her. You are the worst soulmate we ever chose and we are ashamed of you." continued the voice

It took him a second to understand what the words meant. The soulmate stone was going to punish him for his sins. He understood all of it and took a sharp breath before he was laying on the ground, no pulse

You, were the chosen one, the one who born every thousand years and solves the big problems, the one who can only be awakend by their soulmate. And unfortunately for you, your soulmate was not worthy of you

But dont worry, the universe wont let the chosen one die without fixing the problems, you will bloom like a flower, live a happy life with your new soulmate and Wonwoo will watch it all happen right before his eyes, watch you forget he even existed, watch what he could have had if he wasnt so selfish and stupid but it be too late.

y would u hurt me like this while i’m at work

[kilesplaysthings]

Sing Out

Here we go! I'm adding Ikemen Prince to my list of things I write for lol This time, it was Licht's route that prompted me to write something. Just a short little thing, but the idea came to me as I was reading his route so I quickly jotted this down.

Also, if anyone knows the film Harold and Maude, you'll recognize the song. Great film, btw. I highly recommend it. For some reason Licht reminds me of Harold ever so slightly.

Ah, there she is.

The quiet figure of the Sixth Prince of Rhodolite had been searching around the palace for the past five minutes for a certain young woman. To his relief, he had finally found her. She was in the music room, of all places, sitting in a chair by one of the great windows that stretched from the ceiling down to the floor. It let in quite the amount of natural light which shone down on the lady at this moment, forming what almost looked like a halo around her shining hair. He found it quite fitting.

She was not just sitting there idly. Her attentions were preoccupied by an instrument in her arms; a guitar. She was bent over it a little as she focused on strumming the strings in a pleasant tune.

“Emma.”

His low baritone of a voice interrupted the quiet moment and she quickly looked up at him. Her face immediately bloomed into a smile.

“Oh Licht! Hello there!”

Whether he wanted it to or not, a small smile appeared on his face in return.

“Hello. I was looking for you.”

“I’m happy you found me, then! Did you need me for something?”

He shrugged slightly and turned to look out the window, avoiding her gaze. She knew full well that this was a sign he was a little embarrassed.

“Not really. I just… I was able to take a short break and wanted to see you.”

He knew she was probably grinning at him. It was embarrassing to admit such things, especially since only a short while ago, he wanted nothing to do with people and would never have dreamed of saying or revealing something so emotional. But being with such a kind soul as Emma, getting to know her, receiving such kindness and empathy from her, he slowly began to realize that even someone like him could change. Being shut up in the dark, disassociated from the world, was not healthy; he knew that now. It was also very lonely. Emma had extended her hand of love and charity and pulled him into the light after he shunned it for so long. It was hard, it was painful, and even frightening at times, but he was beginning to enjoy this new form of life. As long as Emma was with him, he knew things would get better.

“I wanted to see you too,” she readily replied. “I was about to put this down and go find you actually.”

“I see.” He strode over to a nearby table to grab another chair. He set it down across from her and sat down.

“What is that, a guitar? I didn’t know you could play.” His voice held curiosity in it. He was actually very pleased he was learning something new about her.

“I can play some!” She answered. “I was in town the other day to pick up a book and heard an old tune my pap used to sing!” She blinked and sheepishly smiled. “I mean… my grandfather.”

She strummed the strings again and continued to smile at him. “It made me want to see if I could play it like he used to. Sariel told me there was a music room here in the East Wing and, well, here I am!”

He tilted his head, curious. It reminded Emma amusedly of an inquisitive puppy. 

“What song is it?” He actually did like to sing a little, and when he would go into town on patrol, he would catch some of the local songs. For whatever reason, he was able to remember tunes very easily, even after only hearing them once. He wondered if maybe he knew the song she mentioned, especially if it was an older one.

She looked happy he asked about it. Seeing her so happy made him feel happy.

“Let’s see if I can sing it properly. Hmm..” She hummed thoughtfully at first as she tried to picture the notes from the beginning of the song. It wasn’t long before she grasped it, plucking the strings before strumming them.

She began to sing.

If you want to sing out, sing out.

And if you want to be free, be free.

Cause there’s a million things to be, you know that there are.

And if you want to live high, live high.

And if you want to live low, live low.

For there’s a million ways to go, you know that there are.

She looked up a Licht and smiled. They gazed at each other as she played and sang and as he listened.

You can do what you want.

The opportunity’s on.

And if you find a new way

You can do it today.

You can make it all true.

And you can make it undo.

You see. Oh, it’s easy. Oh, you only need to know.

She grew more confident in her playing and strummed the guitar with more passion. He didn’t realize it, but he was smiling as he listened to the words and enjoyed her singing.

Well if you want to say yes, say yes.

And if you want to say no, say no.

For there’s a million ways to go, you know that there are.

And if you want to be me, be me.

And if you want to be you, be you.

Cause there’s a million things to do, you know that there are.

She grinned and nodded at him. “Sing, Licht!”

He blinked. She wanted him to sing this with her? Well, it wasn’t too hard to learn. He already practically had the tune down. It made him feel a little shy, but her pleasant singing and the happy tune was admittedly a bit contagious. And so, albeit hesitantly, he began to sing the chorus with her.

You can do what you want.

The opportunity’s on.

And if you find a new way,

You can do it today.

You can make it all true,

And you can make it undo.

His voice faded out as she sang the first verse once more time. He was happy to merely listen.

Well, if you want to sing out, sing out!

And if you want to be free, be free!

For there’s a million things to be, you know that there are!

You know that there are!

You know that there are!

And with that, the song was over. She strummed the guitar one more time and then sat back in her seat. She took a deep breath and sighed happily.

“Oh, that was fun! I’m happy you sang with me, Licht! We should do it again sometime!”

The smile he had kept on his face actually grew wider. “Yes, we could. But..” He felt a little shy again.

“But perhaps, only when it’s just the two of us?” He was still a little wary of showing different facets of himself to others. With Emma it was one thing; he loved her so. But it would still take some time for him to open himself up more to others.

Even so, he didn’t think he would mind singing that song again. There was something about it. It was so hopeful and encouraging. It spoke to him in a still, small voice that seemed to say, there is no need to be afraid. Live. Live and be happy.

“Certainly. I would like that,” Emma agreed. She set the guitar down on the floor and leaned forward to reach for his hands. She squeezed them affectionately.

“We should sing this song again, too. I thought of you when I heard it. To be honest, I wanted to sing it to you.” She admitted.

His heart beat a little faster. He didn’t know why he was able to receive and reciprocate such love from this wonderful woman, but he knew he would never take it for granted. His eyes stung and his throat felt a little raw. Taking a deep breath, he nodded, squeezing her hands in return.

“Thank you Emma. I would like to sing it again.” His voice was soft. If he spoke any louder, he was afraid his voice would betray the surge of emotions he was feeling from within.

Emma looked utterly happy to hear this. It was a hopeful sign. A sign that her beloved prince was growing; was beginning to feel more and hope more. There was a light in his eyes and a more relaxed expression on his face. She couldn’t wait to see more of this new Licht and, of course, to hear more of his singing.

[lunapaper]

Album Review: 'Midnights' - Taylor Swift

What keeps Taylor Swift up at night? 

A lot, apparently: Past lovers. Romantic nostalgia. Old enemies. Made-up scenarios where her future daughter-in-law kills her for her fortune. 

Or as Taylor herself puts it: ‘[A] momentary glimmer of distraction. The tiniest notion of reminiscent thought that wanders off into wondering, the spark that lights a tinderbox of fixation. And now, it is irreversible. The flame has caught. You’re wide awake.’ 

Shrugging off her cardigan, Swift teams up once again with Jack Antonoff to turn her late night ruminations into yet another surprise release entitled Midnights. 

It’s easy to think of her latest body of work as Taylor’s own Melodrama: indebted to slick electro-pop with a taste for vengeance while riddled with self-loathing and insecurity. But, as the title might suggest, it’s a lot more low-key than Lorde’s critically-acclaimed 2017 album, made up of languorous loops of sound and the singer’s dense storytelling. You can also detect hints of Reputation and its bitter edge. 

Taylor makes a few stark confessions throughout the record. ‘I have this thing where I get older/But just never wiser,’ she admits on ‘Anti-Hero. ‘Midnights become my afternoons.’ And yes, this is the ‘sexy baby’ song. I get the point: She’s starting to feel like she’s being surpassed by younger, more provocative artists. It’s a 30 Rock reference, relax. 

Taylor also says ‘so long’ to that goody two shoes ‘Daisy May’ on ‘You’re on Your Own, Kid.’ which was probably followed by the singer setting fire to her cutesy folklore cardigan (retailing at $75 at the time) in some ritualistic bonfire. 

Insecurities regarding body image also bubble to the fore as Taylor searches a glitzy industry party filled with ‘better bodies,’ while realising that her dreams of stardom aren’t all that rare. The twee ‘Sweet Nothing’ features one of Taylor’s better verses (‘Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors/And smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other/And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more"/To you, I can admit that I’m just too soft for all of it’).  

But just as she begins to show a glimmer of self-awareness, Taylor ends up doubling down hard, every well-spun bit of wordplay surrounded by a sea of clunky, often childish lines. But she knows that they’re bad and she knows everyone’s gonna talk about them, so Taylor wins again. 

Metaphors feel forced (‘Don't put me in the basement/When I want the penthouse of your heart’), while the cliches are out of control. ‘Question...?’ suffers from a serious case of Main Character Syndrome, the whole room cheering Taylor on as she makes out with the most popular boy in school. It’s a scene straight out of a Netflix original, able to envision the crane shot swirling above the two as they tenderly suck face. 

Taylor also swears yet revenge yet again on ‘Vigilante Shit,’ this time with a cat’s eye ‘sharp enough to kill a man.’ She talks as if karma is her own personal pet she can just sic on her enemies at will, which is especially galling as someone who’s cultivated such a rabid fanbase, constantly weaponising them against those who supposedly cross her. Not that long ago, they went after a grown man and his sister over a red scarf that DIDN’T ACTUALLY EXIST.  

Although it sounds like Taylor’s planning to kill Scooter at some point, presumably on a weekend. Remember when she revealed on ‘this is me trying’ that he had a couple of side chicks?  

Even ‘Anti-Hero’ has some pretty flawed logic: You can’t complain that you’re treated like said anti-hero one minute, then act petty and vengeful the next. It’s been almost 15 years – which one are you at this point? 

Naturally, Midnights also comes with its own labyrinth of easter eggs. No, I won’t be going through them all, ‘cos I really don’t give a fuck. I shouldn’t need a guidebook to tell me which song is about John Mayer and which one contains the Knives Out reference. If anything, the album only further proves that Taylor doesn’t need to commit every single thought to tape. Sometimes, it really, really isn’t that deep. 

Final track ‘Mastermind’ offers the most telling glimpse into Taylor’s psyche - ‘No one wanted to play with me as a little kid/So I've been scheming like a criminal ever since/To make them love me and make it seem effortless.’ She even calls herself ‘Machiavellian’ at one point. Whether it’s in jest is kinda hard to tell, but it’s certainly a... choice. 

Musically, Midnights is also a pretty mixed bag. ‘Vigilante Shit’ is a highlight, with bass throbbing its way around dark corners in a way that’s rather Billie-esque, which just makes the ‘sexy baby’ line from ‘Anti-Hero’ feel even more glaring. ‘Lavender Haze’ also utilises those subterranean bass groans, creating a murky, seductive groove beneath metallic gears shifts. ‘You’re On Your Own, Kid,’ meanwhile,’ is a more grown-up ‘Love Story’ from the point of view of a more jaded Juliet. ‘Anti-Hero,’ though, is just a lazy rehash of ‘Blank Space,’ right down to the complaints of feeling misunderstood. 

‘Karma’ is a more stylish and euphoric take on Washed Out’s ‘Feel It All Around.’ ‘Snow on the Beach’ also twinkles; delicate and windswept. But for all of Swift’s excitement to be collaborating with Lana Del Rey, the singer is relegated to backing vocalist. ‘Cos, let’s face it, Taylor would never let herself be upstaged like that. 

And yes, there’s a 3am edition of Midnights, ‘cos Taylor’s gonna milk those late night ruminations for all they’re worth, dammit.  

‘The Great War’ is okay, but not that great. Honour, truth, treaties, poppies, calling off the troops, we get it. ‘Bigger Than the Whole Sky’ has a hypnotic country twang, returning to the lush, cloudy nostalgia of folklore and evermore. ‘Would’ve Could’ve, Should’ve’ is a stormy, Fleetwood Mac-esque riposte at Mayer (found it), reflecting on the power imbalance in their romance while pleading: ‘Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first.’ 

Midnights is a well-produced but rather unnecessary record. Even with its slick, shimmery wash, it’s everything you’ve heard before in some form or another: A song about John, a song about Tom, a song about Calvin. ‘Yes, I know I can be quite a divisive character, but I’m really just like you!’ Revenge. A couple of love songs dedicated to Joe. Probably something about Kanye and Kim. More revenge. Oh, and here’s a dossier full of clues for you to connect together like Charlie Kelly trying to track down the elusive Pepe Silvia. Boom, critical acclaim!  

As cynical as I felt about folklore and evermore, at least those records possessed some growth and a few interesting ideas. But as those albums were to indie folk, Midnights feels late to the party when it comes to brooding noir pop, the kind that’s already been perfected by other artists in every way imaginable. It’s really just a CHVRCHES or Purity Ring record in a quirky jumper.  

But what do I know? The record’s already gone to No.1. Buying presale tickets for her US tour turned into a bloodbath. Taylor could release a full hour of silence, and stans will hail it as an artistic statement and critics will write one in-depth analysis after another. And Stereogum will probably write the most positive negative review of it ever. Taylor’s no longer capturing the zeitgeist at this point, she is the goddamn zeitgeist.  

- Bianca B. 

[fatherlybeast]

Hi

Hello how are you?

I have been feeling very numb for a really long time until last summer.

The summer trip was one of the best decisions Ive had for a really long time, I reconnected with old friends, made new friends, saw new places, tried new drugs, explored my bisexuality (and it even turned into an inside joke “bisexuality isn’t a choice it is a game and I am winning” LOL), played Steven Universe songs on ukulele at the beach, got into new heated arguments and so on and on. On that note, I think skinny dipping should be legal even at public beaches, it feels very freeing. This is not about me and my obsession with stripping naked though.

But I have been still feeling a little numb after “adventure time” ended. There’s just something about daily human experience that just doesn’t faze me. I loose my interest quickly. I think it’s the same for most people, they just don’t say it out loud. I don’t either, I just disappear into the wind as this feels more humane. An astrologer said heavy aquarius placements in my chart gives me a strong but restless mind and it would naturally be hard to be inside my feelings. A strange combination indeed considering all I crave is real human emotions and well… I believe the only real value to human life is diving into the experience of the full range of emotions, the good and the bad, which is something I am not so skilled at. Its almost like there’s always some sort of distance between me and rest of the world.

But this time leaving isn’t really a choice, Ive built a career and Ive been giving it a lot of time and energy. And I have been getting good bread, except it never felt fulfilling. The learning is good, my curiosity gets satisfied on a daily basis but only academically. And I do not wish to feel like a glorified artificial intelligence inside a meat body. Maybe it is because I have always had nice things around me growing up, money was never an issue (well except a few times) and I never really needed to worry about it. Maybe it is because success always came easy to me, maybe I don’t want to lose myself in the system and completely lose my soul along the process. Well my work isn’t a 9 to 5, and it is actually quite a lively sector. But then what is the issue with me? Why do I have to always chase for more? Why do I have to chase after something that I can’t see or explain, but something I believe to exist with all my heart even though I can’t prove it? Am I wrong, is it just psychosis?

The economic crisis in the country affected me in a good way in that sense, I had to learn that it could all go away. I turned the script and started living lavish again (the word lavish always makes me laugh but it gives the message lol) and this time it is all my own effort. But isn’t it the truth for everything in life? Quite literally, everything does go away. Human life is finite, both the emotional and the physical parts of it. No feeling lasts forever, no flesh lives forever. I might quit one day and start doing something else, but not in foreseeable future that’s for sure. I plan to have a farm when I am older, I want to live the simple life with just music and people I love near sea side, ultimately a beach house. Is this why the pace my hair gets white makes me happy? Because it makes me think that eventually I will get to that calm peace and I don’t have to be restless and in search of something all the time?

And I actually find peace in the fleeting nature of life, it makes you feel gratitude when you got something that gives meaning to your life. Time is always running and it motivates you to do your best to make the most of it. Waiting is rarely an option unless it’s something truly exceptional. You have to cherish people while they are alive and you have to feel what you feel before it disappears into nothingness forever. And why is it so hard for me to hold onto things? Is it the same for everyone else?

But meaning… this concept has been the central focal point of my life as far as I can remember. That sense of wonder, exploring where your journey leads, the curiosity. That’s what life meant to me, a learning experience, really. I always thought “I will learn the human experience” but then it got well, dull. Maybe I learnt too much that I lost interest, maybe I tasted too much that I lost my appetite, maybe its the trauma messing with my brain.

But it all seem to be returning. Even more so after I met this beautiful guy.

There’s a rawness to his very being (and no I am not talking about fucking bareback lol) , a strange depth to his feelings and his charming silent nature… A soul that has so much life in it, I think he doesn’t realize it yet. He doesn’t understand that the price he pays for being real is actually worth it. But he’s very open minded, which amazes me further.

I felt so much feelings in last couple weeks than I have in a very, very long time and it is so weird in the sense that I can’t truly explain it yet. I hadn’t realized that I had the room for such colorful emotions, I thought I became all work and no play when my order came in the mail, which I paid couple five figures in cash for, and didn’t even open it the minute I got it. I thought what’s the hurry, it’s just an object: it can be easily replaced or thrown out, it has no real value no real meaning. I returned to finish a commission I had. Funny I have been talking to a friend lately, he told me that I needed to love money to attract more and that way I could give more to the planet pointing to the fact that people generous like me should have the money as we tend to not keep it for ourselves. He was right, I need to love money, I need to want more. More, more, more… Where does it end? I don’t know, but I am willing to figure out. Even though it was never what I wanted, it was never what I needed. But maybe, just maybe there’s something I don’t know about this matter yet and I need to explore this journey further. I don’t wanna keep saying “great, Mert, you have become another shiny cog in the machine, another slave to the corporate ladder, another Capricorn who rises to the top.” I craved real human emotions, no matter the kind I guess, and this is uncharted territory. There was a complication with a project this morning, I handled it quite smoothly. I felt a strange satisfaction, but again can it ever fulfill me? I already know I am smart, what do I learn here then? Is it about accumulating information as much as my brain can hold? Is it the creative expression of mathematical algorithms that I am perfecting?

And I have been having issues with it, it’s hard to find balance for me, I don’t know why. Having so much nuance and facets to your being can be a hindrance so it seems, noted. Another useless information. Why do I feel like I am wasting time? Even though I get material currency in return? Where does it end, flaunting your shiny possessions to get validation from strangers? There is no point to any of it.

Couple months ago I contemplated about fucking the best friend of a guy I dated 5 years ago, and I felt barely anything. Not guilt, not reminiscence, nothing. I mean maybe this doesn’t count as it’s not like we had a bond with him or his friend. But I thought it would cause some complications. On the other hand the only reason we interacted was because of his beauty and his weird obsession with me. We talked about how he is not happy with his job and how he dreams of a better future. I didn’t say much, I am quite undecided on the matter. It appears he came to this city for better job options but got stuck inside the proverbial ladder. And now he says he just wants someone to hold him inside their arms. I didn’t really feel sad for him, there will be always people who earn more and earn less. But I do wonder what makes some people luckier than others? It is truly a sad illusion the way some thinks they are better or worse than the rest. Nobody should take themselves that seriously, after all in 200 years all the humans on this planet will be dust, all their songs and stories forgotten and the things we have or do… is a work of intricacy and luck, we don’t have much control even if we would like to think so. It’s hardest to find something that makes you forget this, even if for a while… And wealth can never be the true value of a person when it’s mostly predestined.

Someone from 9 years ago found me and approached me. We talked and somewhere during our conversation he said he kept listening to the the smiths album I sent him for a very long time. “Strangeways, here we come” said I was always ahead of time, referencing the things I told him all those years ago and the music…Oh the music… And it appears he is an artist right now with a good amount of following. I didn’t even freak out when he told me my phone number from memory asking if it’s still the same number and invited me over for a cup of coffee. Strange ways indeed. I couldn’t really remember why I didn’t send him louder than bombs back then though, I find that stranger. I said we would catch up later, but it got out of my mind and I don’t really feel anything towards the whole thing anyway…

The mentally ill ex friend I used to feel sad for apparently is still obsessed with me. I used to feel pity but find entertainment experimenting with his inner workings. This time even that didn’t make me feel anything, maybe a sense of soft pity for 5 minutes. I hoped it would make me feel a strong emotion, I played along with it for a while. And nothing… Just boredom, the urge to leave a movie theater before first half ends because... it's just not it. Even the unhinged became predictable. What do you do with that? Just another flesh suit trying to survive, and in need of things to believe and prove. His shaky voice, his cute little tactics, his incoherent sentences...Nothing to see there, nothing emotion provoking…

A friend from high school texted me couple days ago, told me her husband is in the same industry as me. And they have been talking about me whenever they were having some annual high school meeting or something and they have been wondering about me and how things went for me. “You have always been a wild card and you always surprised all of us” You have no idea how lucky you are to be still amazed by most simple things my dear friend. Everything in this life is interesting if you have the wonder inside your heart and when all becomes predictable… well that’s something else. And I am no exception. “You did make it rain that day as you said you would” yeah I know: even the craft is easy. Maybe I should look into it further, there has to be something to explore there…

Last year I've had couple place holder "relationships". I ghosted all of them except one. In my defense they were in it for their own agenda, the usual attention seeking and fear of loneliness. I regret none, they too know there was never love in the first place. And I hope they find it a silly little funny thing that's not worth mentioning now. It was more like trolling ourselves and coming to mutual agreeing about the only solution: synchronized ghosting! (lol) Why was I in them? I needed to distract myself and I hoped, god damn it, I did hope one of them would make me feel anything worth feeling. No luck there. I used to think about it a lot: how relationships are formed. When we say relationship what do we really mean? How do you measure the closeness? How do you define what is it that you exactly feel when emotions keep ebbing and flowing all around and inside us? I didn't ask these questions back then because I didn't care at all. I am still in contact with one of them, we laugh about it often and we send each other memes. I find it very human, we formed a different lighthearted bond because we were both miserable in a similar way. We are two strangers waving at each other across the street we both happened to stumble upon. Really simple like that.

I have been feeling quite sad earlier this year, because of a relationship that ended terribly. It was a punch to the gut, really. And I thought about it for so long, I wanted to sit on it for a long time then the moment of truth came: I don’t care about the sadness, which was the only thing that was left. No matter how I looked at it: flip it, reverse it, turn it around, look at it with fresh eyes in the morning. Nothing. I got reminded of it all some time ago and realized how I grew… a complete stranger to my own experience and memories. But what was there to care for? Was I supposed to be sad because my love and kindness have been taken for granted and was weaponized to manipulate me? I was aware of it all while it was happening. I actually wanted him to surprise me, I wanted to see a person grow strong amidst hardship and do the unexpected. That’s why I was sad and even that disappeared as I knew it would. Forgiveness? Holding a grudge? How can you hate someone for being human? How can you hate someone for having a human heart? And why would it be my place to forgive someone?

Each journey to their own and it has nothing to do with me. I do not wish to be the judge and the jury of others. It’s a bitter place to be, thinking you know better when even the nature of truth is ever changing. No knowledge is meant to be trusted completely. Funny, I remember asking him on our first date “why do you apologize for being human?” I think he never understood what I truly meant. I remember the way he looked at me though and I remember thinking “now, this is a beautiful expression, there might be something more to this than just some physical attraction after all” Was I right? Was I wrong?

Interesting how simple questions usually have complex answers, and complex questions can be reduced to a yes or no.

Last summer I’ve had a date with the ex boyfriend of a friend of my ex boyfriend (such a strange sentence, I know lol) It appears we actually been together before but we both completely lost memory of the event (maybe because we both were in relationships back then?).He took out his phone and showed me pictures. And that was actually a surprise: how detached I can truly be. I always knew it, but didn’t realize it was to this extent. It was indeed not the first time we met. He told me my ex tells people I broke up with him because I was bored. Another expected behavior: was he supposed to tell the truth and make himself look bad? That’s why I left him, he was not a strong human. He was weak and that’s why he had to do what he did to stay alive. But then again, it’s all part of the human nature and that shouldn’t be held against people. He has been terrible, but why should he be anything else? Not everybody has to be just and decent, and that’s fine too. And maybe there’s something I can’t truly grasp about the nature of this duality, and maybe I am the bad guy for inspiring such intense feelings in people knowing how that would go? I would be fine with that too, maybe indeed I am the bad guy and this is the part I have to play.

But oh well enough chit chat, in a sense I managed to make this all about me, sometimes people think this is amusing and attractive, but I sincerely feel like everything revolves around me. Is this the Leo in my chart? The dark side of the sun? Or am I just too conceited, too self absorbed and egoistical? Even if that’s the case, I don’t feel bad about it. It is the truth of my experience and realistically speaking most things do revolve around me. It is a slice of reality that will exist until I take my last breathe. Or maybe its all just a glitch in the matrix and I severed my connection to the server somewhere along the way.

Okay for real, enough chit chat now:

Your existence did change a lot for me in a very short time. Today is your birthday and when I say happy birthday there are a lot of undercurrent to it. It is very selfish in its core. The first time you showed me a song you composed, I felt something unlock inside me: curiosity. I do want to know more, I do want to touch you more, love you more and have more experiences with you. Even though I know what we have too is fleeting, I am here for the journey. And I told you, I will be there for you if you fall that’s a promise I intend to keep. But I won’t tell you that I enjoy even the bad parts, which has the power to make us fail and hurt each other. At least not today. I have faith in you, that one day you will see what I mean. I welcome this experience with everything it has to offer, and I think the inevitable end makes this much more valuable. You make me laugh, swoon, agitated, hot and everything else, really. And I do enjoy it greatly. Thank you for teaching me things about myself.

When I made you laugh to your hearts content a couple days ago, seeing you smile so brightly made my eyes teary. Is it love? Maybe. I think it’s life itself, being in it and truly living your truth and sharing it with another soul. Isn’t that love? Hearts getting softer and softer together?

You showed me your music library (why do you have to use Apple Music though, god damn it :)) ), love me more by Mitski seems to be both our favorite picks from her latest album. It brought joy to me, really. I do need more of this, I need you to love me more and I am willing to love you more. What do you say to drowning in it? It’s what I do best after all, turning worst disasters into a field of flowers. Only for them to die sometime soon. Then it turns into substance for the earth. Not yet though, not yet. I know you can grow taller and I can’t wait to see the shadows you are going to cast.

“I will tear around in my sexy underwear like a god damn near sociopath. And don’t ask me if I am happy, because you know I’m more than happy.” :))

Do I dare get used to this? And risk losing it all? Or do I look at it from outside while I get to experience it from a safe experience? The answer seems to be too obvious.

Did you like my Marilyn Monroe birthday celebration impression last night? Be honest, mine was hotter wasn’t it? Say yes, don’t make me kill you. (LOL)

Questions, questions…

But I do want you to know this most important thing:

I am truly, truly, truly, truly grateful that you were born on this planet.

Happy birthday my love.

“It’s not like I like you or anything! Baka!”