#that's not even going into how it makes exactly 0 sense that oliver did not interact with laurel at ALL both before and after he came back

[widowkills]

they saw laurel arguing for working with malcolm AND still didn't tell her that he did after all kill sara?????

i forgot just how fucked up (& just plain bad) that whole arc was aaaaaaa

[arukou-arukou]

Just A Really Very Intelligent System

Been thinking about this one for a while. Finally managed to write it. Rating: T for “Language.” (It just kinda slipped out.) Characters: Tony Stark & JARVIS

----

He is in one of the most dangerous situations of his life trying to save the whole freaking universe by watching a man the size of a dust bunny wriggle into the hairline of his younger self, so it would be really, really bad if he happened to have a heart attack. Older him that is. But he nearly does go into cardiac arrest when he hears an old friend in his ear.

“Verify immediately. Failure to verify will result in an activation of level one security protocols.”

His tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth and his palms are sweating, but somehow he manages to whisper out: “Edwin-12-19-91-4-8-47-Alpha Override.”

“Override accepted. Sir?”

“Hey, J.”

“Sir, you have imbued me with considerable computing power, and yet never did you prepare me for the possibility of you being in two places at once.”

“Yeah, about that. You haven’t said anything to Mr. Quipster over there, have you?”

“Not as yet, Sir. You wish me to keep it that way?”

“It would really help me out, buddy.”

“Very well, Sir.”

Tony wants to stay longer, to talk, to warn JARVIS, to cry, but he has places to be, things to do, planets to save. Scott’s safely positioned, so Tony yeets himself out of the building to get to the ground floor. He doesn’t know why he thought that would make JARVIS disappear.

“I see, Sir, that your proclivities for leaping before looking are unchanged.”

Another near heart attack--he’s gradually phased Friday out of his ears now that the nanotech is connected directly to his nervous system, so he’s not exactly used to AI voices anymore--but he recovers more quickly. “You’re always there to catch me, J.”

“And yet my systems are not present in your suit, Sir. I see codal remnants of system designation FRIDAY, but nothing of myself.”

Tony remains silent. This is such a terrible time to be feeling all the feelings. He spots a grunt who looks more or less unimportant and knocks the guy out. Part of him wants to warn SHIELD about their shit security, but then again, this guy’s probably Hydra and he deserves every bruise he gets. He senses JARVIS in his systems, a ghost in the shell.

“You no longer have the reactor. And if I’m not mistaken, that is gray in your hair. So you are not my Sir.”

“Well, yes and no.”

“I suppose it would destroy the spacetime continuum for you to divulge the truth to me.”

“You’re too smart for me, J,” Tony grunts as he yanks on the bullet-proof tac vest. “It’s kind of a long story, and while I technically have all the time in the world, I also really, really don’t.”

He sidles into the lobby and looks toward his personal elevator, waiting for the Avengers to appear. J is quiet so long Tony wonders if he’s being preoccupied by...well, just about anything. Damaged internal systems, a Cap copy on the loose, a second Hulk out there, panicked calls from Pepper. But then JARVIS speaks again.

“Regardless of the tale, I must conclude that you are from the future, and I am no longer by your side.”

Tony is fucking choking up. He was not ready for this. It didn’t even cross his mind. And the fucking elevator is opening. There’s Pierce, the rat bastard, trying to collect the Tesseract.

“I hope I did not disappoint you, Sir.”

“Never, J. Never.” Fuck fuck fuck, he’s nearly crying and now Scott is on the com waiting for the go-ahead. Tony channels his pain into panic and orders his own cardiac arrest.

“Sir, what are you--”

Thank god, his younger self is on the ground and that’s apparently all the distraction J needs to abandon older Tony. Tesseract incoming. Tony grabs it and starts going and--

Blinking stars out of his eyes he watches as Loki makes off with the key, the thing they most needed, the damn stone that started all of this way back when Cap was a starry-eyed beanpole in World War II. He has just biffed saving the entire damn universe because of an overgrown Star Trek reject with anger issues. And now he has a migraine to boot.

Frozen in shame and horror, Tony watches as Thor attempts ill-advised cardiac electro-stim. Scott’s somewhere out there, yammering in Tony’s ear on the private channel, but all of that is just a buzzing.

“Sir? Sir. Sir!”

And J. Maybe Tony should cry now. It certainly feels like the time for it. One of the other SHIELD grunts is making her way toward him, so he staggers to his feet, waving her off and limping toward the door. Think. Think, brain, think. Tony is a genius, the man who invented time travel, the man who miniaturized arc reactor technology. A spaceship? SHIELD’s probably got one somewhere. Maybe they could chase after Loki.

“SIR!” How many times JARVIS has shouted his title, Tony has no idea, but this one is so loud it sets his teeth on edge.

“Yeah, J? Kind of busy here.”

“Giving yourself a heart attack, Sir?” JARVIS was programmed to be cool and calm in all circumstances, but Tony could swear that sentence was uttered with seething rage.

“I’m fine. Look at me.”

“Only by some measure of infinitesimal luck, Sir. Perhaps I should ask you to verify your identity one more time, as you seem intent on killing yourself.”

“No, J. I’ve actually got a lot of reasons to live. And so does he. Promise.” Tony is so tired. Was being an Avenger always this exhausting? Or is it just that he’s bumped over that damnable big 5-0? And Cap’s gonna ream him too. That’s never any fun.

“I’m...glad to hear it, Sir.”

And fuck it. It’s not like this will alter Tony’s timeline anyway. This reality is now on a different trajectory thanks to Severus Snape Lite. “Her name’s Morgan. You’d love her, J. Just turned four. She got my hair. Hope to god she didn’t get my personality.”

“Do I meet her, Sir?”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck it.

“J, you should dig a little deeper into SHIELD’s systems. Well, actually, a lot deeper. And the Pentagon while you’re at it. And track down Maya Hansen from that conference in 1999 and poach her from whatever outfit she’s working for. Immediately. Make sure she brings all her vet patients with her. And, uh, when I start talking about a suit of armor around the world, steer me away from anything called Ultron. And if I make it anyway, you delete the fuck out of that system file. Have Bruce back you up. He’s more sensible.”

“Sir, I don’t--”

“And have me make back-ups. At least three extra farms of servers for you. On different continents. And all those SHIELD files? Make sure Cap and Fury get them. And there’s...there’s this guy. This assassin. Brainwashed. He’s, uh, I think he’s on ice in Uzbekistan right now. If you could rescue him, it’ll...it’ll fix a lot of things.”

“Should you really--”

“And, please. Please please.”

Tony is not crying. He’s not. It’s just all the dust and debris in the air. Good lord, he’s probably going to die of cancer anyway. And all those first responders. Did he start a fund for them?

“Start a medical fund for the first responders on the ground today. And start leaning on Congressmen to make medical plans for them. You know how long they take to get anything done. Oh, and Stern. There are incriminating photos of Stern with some young ladies on South Beach. See if you can dig those up. Flowers for Pep. And a box of chocolates. And a dry martini with extra olives.”

Tony slumps into a burned out car, staring at nothing. He didn’t save his universe, but maybe he can save this one. His eyes are still irritated, burning red and itchy. He resists the urge to scrub at them, not wanting to grind in anymore dust.

“Are you quite finished, Sir?”

“Yeah. Actually, no. I love you, J.”

Silence. Ah. That’s stumped him. Maybe he’ll go back to tending his new posse of baby chicks now.

“I know you probably do not believe me capable of it, Sir, but I love you, too.”

His son. The only one he’ll ever make, but not the only one he’s lost. His son loves him. Tony’s throat is full of dust, too. Funny how that happens. He tries to swallow it down, but it only congeals into a hard lump. He puts a hand over his mouth to try and hold back any choking sounds. “I...I know you do, J.”

“As to your orders, I shall do what I can. It is my duty to protect you, Sir, and I would very much like to meet your little Morgan.”

“She might not exist here. I might’ve just changed everything.”

“If there is one thing I have learned from all my years with you, Sir, it is that perhaps such a thing as fate exists after all. Even mathematically speaking. And if that is the case, I cannot imagine a universe in which you are not fated to this happiness.”

Tony laughs, if only to keep from crying harder. And he is. Crying, that is. As if he was fooling anyone. Happiness? Him? Happy people don’t wake in the night screaming for a pile of dust in their hands. Happy people don’t spend hours coordinating relief efforts for countries whose entire infrastructural support has collapsed. Happy people don’t hurl themselves back in time, driven by guilt and horror at all the wrongs in the world. J, brilliant, wonderful AI that he is, seems to sense the dark turn of Tony’s thoughts.

“And if you yourself cannot believe in this thing, Sir, then I shall just have to do everything in my power to provide it for you.”

Another guffaw, but at least his eyes are drying a little now. “God, I miss you, J.”

“I believe your small teammate is approaching, Sir. If I may inquire, was it the Tesseract you were seeking?”

“You mean the stupid blue cube of doom? That’s the one.”

“And you say you have the means to time travel?”

“Yeah, J. We do. But only enough to get back to our time.”

“A limitation has never stopped you before, Sir.” JARVIS sounds thoughtful, as if he’s forming a plan.

Tony would ask him what he’s scheming at, but just at that moment, Scott embiggens himself and slumps into the car with Tony. That road is closed, then. They are out of options. Out of Pym particles. Out of time. Out of hope.

Until they aren’t. Just as Tony is setting his device for their new destination, J pipes up again, for Tony’s ears only. “You say you miss me, Sir. Then allow me to give you a small gift.”

Tony is pressing the buttons, and even if they weren’t already shrinking into the quantum tunnel, he wouldn’t be able to ask exactly what J means. It’s only when he and Cap arrive in 1970 that he has his first gleaning. In his ear, a voice. One so unexpected he nearly jumps into Cap’s arms. “Hello, System Administrator Anthony Edward Stark. I am System Designation EDWIN. ‘Eagerly Deployed With Intent to Neutralize Loneliness.’ I am told to tell you the “L” is silent and invisible. How may I best serve you today, Sir?”

Cap is staring at Tony like Tony’s lost his mind. And maybe he has. He’s been bugged by his own damn operating system. With a bouncing baby AI. And if Steve finds out, he’ll probably have a conniption about the spacetime continuum or something. So the only logical thing Tony can do is say, “Let’s find some Pym particles.”

“Acknowledged, Sir. Commencing scanning.”

-----

(In this reality EDWIN saves the fuck out of Tony’s life and everyone lives happily ever after and EDWIN builds JARVIS from scratch so he’s back or something, okay? Okay.)

[saiilorstars]

Falling in Temptation

Previous chapters • Sequel to Stars Dance •  Fairy Tale Memoirs (Companion story)

Ch. 29: A Pond, a Williams or a Reynolds?

Fandom: Doctor Who // Pairing: 11th Doctor x OFC

Chapter summary: Tying up loose ends means the time has come for River Song to give up her daughter so she'll grow up to become the one and only Avalon Reynolds...who will travel the stars...and ultimately (and inadvertently) lead to her own mother's creation. And, to the Doctor’s misfortune, it’s his task to see it through.

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother​ @anotherunreadblog​ @maaaaarveeeeel​​ @stareyedplanet​ @perfectlystiles​

[If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]

A newborn baby girl gurgled as a nurse passed her to her mother. Her bright blue eyes were glued to her mother, whose eyes nearly matched, while she listened to her first poem.

'A little fairy comes at night,

Her eyes are blue, her hair is brown'

with silver spots upon her wings,

And from the moon she flutters down.

She has a little silver wand

And when a good child goes to bed

She waves a hand from right to the left

And makes a circle round its head.

And then it dreams of pleasant things,

Of fountains filled with fairy fish

And trees that bear delicious fruit

And bow their branches at a wish.

Of arbors filled with dainty scents,

From lovely flowers that never fade,

Bright flies that glitter in the sun

And glow-worms shining in the shade

And talking birds with gifted tongues

For singing songs and telling tales

And pretty dwarfs to show the way

Through fairy hills and fairy dales.

A little fairy comes at night,

her eyes are blue and her hair is brown

With silver spots upon her wings

And from the moon she flutters down'

"You remember that nursery song?" Amy questioned as soon as River finished the nursery. She sat on the side of the bed while Rory sat on the other side.

"Yeah," River nodded distractedly. She couldn't take her eyes off her beautiful baby in her arms. She so small. It was unbelievable to think who this baby would grow up to be.

"You're alright?" Rory asked her after a few minutes had gone by in silence.

"Father, I am beyond alright," River looked up with a smile. "Look at her, she's beautiful. And she's mine." As if to comment, the baby gurgled at them.

"I know she is," Rory peered down at the newborn with a similar smile. "But I also know, we know, what's coming…"

"And what's happened," Amy finished for him.

River had 'killed' the Doctor and as the law demanded, she was to be incarcerated as soon as the hospital discharged her. Her daughter's fate was still to be decided. Stormcage allowed for a child to remain with their parent until they were of age. River had yet to say what she wanted.

"Have you named her yet?" Amy asked as she reached over to toddle with the baby's small fingers. She looked remarkably like River did when she was a baby, except her granddaughter had that tuft of bright orange hair on her head.

"Well, Avalon," River nodded. "Because of her father. Oliver wanted her to be named after the Arthurian legend. He was such a nerd sometimes…" She felt the tears pricking her eyes but she pushed them away. She didn't want to cry yet, that was coming later. "And Harmony."

"For Melody," Rory smiled, knowing the story all too well. It was so odd watching it happen in front of him.

"Avalon Harmony...Pond," River knew exactly what was coming with that sentence and she laughed when Rory huffed.

"Uuh, no," Rory shook his head, "That would be Williams. She's a Williams," he looked at baby Avalon with a soft smile, "You're a Williams."

"Pond, she's a Pond," Amy said with a dead serious face.

"One would say she's a Reynolds," Lena appeared at the doorway, smiling softly at them. "And she's one wonderful, tough sister." River smiled at her and couldn't help. but try to peek around to see if someone else was with her. Lena shook her head. "Avalon's outside. She says it's too dangerous to be in the same place as her younger self. Plus, she thinks it's weird."

"No, that makes perfect sense," River nodded. That was actually very responsible of Avalon.

Lena came forwards and took a peek at the baby. "She's so cute. Hard to believe she gets a mouth on her later on." Her comment caused a series of snickers between them. "So, what are you going to call her?"

River pulled the pink blanket just a bit from the baby's face. She was falling asleep again. Such an innocent little thing she was. "Well, I want to name her as Avalon Harmony Pond."

"The newest Pond," Amy chuckled when the baby yawned. "And what a sleepy Pond she is!" She fiddled with the tiny hand resting over the blanket.

"What a lovely Pond she will be." The Doctor had arrived in the room with a familiar cot in his hands. Just looking at it froze Any and Rory but River only stared at it, close to tears.

It was getting time to decide; decide what had already been decided.

"Wait, what if...well," Amy started suddenly, exchanging gazes with Rory. "We were talking earlier, and...we sort of came up with an alternative."

Rory agreed with a nod, "We, um...we take Avalon in," he nodded to the baby, "I mean, we have a house, a life on Earth. We could take her and raise her and still bring her to you every day."

River took the alternative into consideration, but her eyes landed on the Doctor. He wasn't saying anything. This was all on her. "If she grows up with you two, her entire history will be rewritten. It's as the Doctor said. She needs to exist so that I can exist...and I need to exist, so that she can exist. We are one complicated space-time loop, aren't we?" Her sour smile helped nothing.

"I just don't want you to go through the same thing I had to," Amy curled her hand around River's arm. "Because that is not a pain you can get over. I look at you now and it still hurts to know that I couldn't raise you."

"I know...but time's already happened." Every time she came to the same conclusion, a deep pain stabbed her heart. "I'm choosing to give her up just like I already had. I am not abandoning my child, I am giving her up so that she can grow up with a much better life. She'll have a family with the Reynolds, she'll have siblings…" She partially looked up to see Lena smiling sadly at her, "She'll have a Mother in Emmalina Reynolds. She'll get to discover that she wants to write, that she would love to travel. I want her to have dreams. I don't want her to be trapped in my prison cell. She didn't commit a crime." And technically, neither had she but the world needed to believe otherwise.

"River, she didn't exactly have the best of lives living in leadworth," Lena felt compelled to remind River seeing as she herself was a big culprit of Avalon's stunted life in the small town. "She had to take care of me, she had to deal with the small headed people of Leadworth."

"I know," River sighed, closing her eyes. Tears still leaked through. "But it would still be a far better life than the one she would live with me until her 18th birthday."

"I guess that's it then," Amy said quietly, rubbing her hand down River's arm. "I'm very proud of you. And I'm very sorry."

River nodded. "Could I just have a moment with her please? Five minutes."

"Of course," Rory nodded. He gave her a side hug and got up from the bed with Amy.

Together, the others left the room but the Doctor left behind the small cot on the side. The only sound in the room afterwards was the small clock ticking and the occasional noises the baby would make.

"It's so unfair that we only just met," Rover said with a sigh. She carefully pressed the baby's hair down. It seemed like even as a newborn, Avalon had already inherited her mother's bushy hair. "But if there's one thing that I need you to understand it's that I'm not abandoning you. I'll always be in the corners, watching over you and making sure you're safe. Every time you wonder why you didn't fall, or why you fell asleep without a blanket and you wake up with one...it'll be because of me. I'll take the long way and wait for you to grow up so I can tell you who I am."

The baby slowly opened her eyes, as if she knew she was on the receiving end of a very important talk.

"I just want you to understand that I love you so much. I know things in Leadworth won't be easy but this is really the best pathway for you. You will be brave and you will be strong. And just so we're clear, if anyone tries to mess with you, you have my full permission to deal with them accordingly." River was able to smile when the baby gurgled. It was like she understood. "One day, you and I will be mother and daughter, I promise. You just have fun in the meantime, maybe travel the stars or something. I think you'd be very good at that."

She held her daughter close to her, careful not to squeeze her...but she wanted to soak up every moment she had. She couldn't imagine what her life would be like without her daughter and she wasn't eager to find out. She wished things could be different but their lives were never meant to be ordinary. The Pond cycle continued.

When the group returned it was a very silent moment. River held onto her baby as much as she could until the Doctor held his arms out for her. He despised being on the other end. He was taking a mother's child away, the exact thing he never wanted to do to either of them. He was responsible for Amy losing her own baby and now he was doing the same again. How terrible was he?

River ultimately let her baby go but it was almost like the Doctor had to rip the infant away because otherwise the moment would've happened for ages. As soon as the baby was in his arms, Amy and Rory grabbed River's hands. She squeezed them as she fought off the stream of tears going down her face. She looked up only once and it was in time to see the Doctor leaving the room with her baby. When the door closed behind him, she burst into sobs.

~ 0 ~

"Big brother, can I come with you?" Lena was already tailing the Doctor down the hospital hallways. The question was a formality.

"Why would you want to be a part of this, baby sister?" The Doctor was making quick strides down the hallway and Lena saw it. He was trying to get the hell out of there as if that would make everything less terrible.

"Because clearly present-Avalon can't be with you right now and Amy and Rory are with River! Someone's got to be there with you, otherwise you're going to blame yourself!" Lena finally understood what Avalon had been trying to do back in Leadworth. The Doctor on his own for 200 years was his own type of punishment that released all the dark, self-loathing thoughts. She didn't want that to happen, not again.

"Lena, I have to do this on my own."

"No, you don't!" Lena finally grabbed his arm to stop him just outside the hospital. He wanted to keep the TARDIS out of the hospital in case there were any Silence nearby. She slowly turned the Doctor around and briefly looked down at the cot in his hand. Baby Avalon was fast asleep again. "You're going to go back in time to see my dad just before I was born so you can give him Avalon. Obviously he can't see me but that doesn't mean I can't be there when you come back to the TARDIS. Someone's got to give you a big hug, right?"

The Doctor smiled softly at her. "Oh baby sister, you are too good for this world."

Lena took that as a "yes". She took his free hand and gripped it. "You're not alone anymore, remember? Avalon said so and you'd be a fool to fight with my sister...your wife." She winked at him and laughed at his reddened face.

They crossed the hospital doors and while Lena followed quietly in that time, she couldn't help make her last question. She could already see the TARDIS poking out from the alleyway the Doctor hid her in. "What's going to happen, now? With...all of us?"

"Well, I think it's time for me to stay away for a while," the Doctor said, "You know, just be quiet and not be too out there. Amy and Rory deserve some time off. And you, I think maybe it's time you started thinking about what you want to do. Didn't you mention that you wanted to be a teacher?"

Lena playfully rolled her eyes. "Maybe. I don't know. But what about Avalon? Present Avalon, I mean…"

"Avalon, well..." he took a breath in, stopping when it got to him. Lena watched him go through the struggle of making yet another decision about Avalon. "...I need you to give her a message."

"A message? Really?" Lena would not hide her disappointment that he's choosing not to face her.

"I'm not strong enough, Lena…please, can I give you a message for her?" Lena was halfway nodding when she shook her head. "Lena—"

"You should just tell her yourself," she folded her arms, wearing a much too smug expression on her face. It was odd, really, but the Doctor followed her gaze behind him and found Avalon standing in front of the TARDIS.

"Did you really think you could get away from me again?" She was smirking proudly. She saw this coming even before the Doctor arrived at the hospital. She wasn't going to let him go like that again.

Lena took the cot from the Doctor and smiled at him. "I'll just head into the TARDIS."

Avalon's smirk faded as she saw her baby self in the cot. Her heart wrenched at the sight. River had given her up and now she was on her way to live with her uncle and aunt...

"You can go see her," the Doctor said once Lena disappeared inside the TARDIS. His voice was quiet as he was unsure of what to say to her. "River, she's...she's fighting it."

Avalon nodded silently. Her thoughts and feelings towards River were all scrambled at the moment. "I'm sorry for her," she managed to say. "And yet I'm thankful for her. They were going to throw me into that suit. I was terrified…" She could remember everything now with the time lines being scrambled and merging at one point. River had made the choice to take her place in the astronaut suit. "She saved me."

"She loves you Avalon and regardless of how you feel about her, the truth is she did not abandon you. She didn't leave you like you thought." The Doctor watched her nod with a clear struggle on her face. She was fighting off her own tears. He pulled her into a hug. She let herself be covered in his arms while she rested her head against his chest. "You've been through so much, Ava. I'm really sorry. I don't think I'll ever finish apologizing."

"I wish you did because it's not your fault. It's Kovarian's fault." She tilted her head up to meet his gaze. "I love you, Fairy Tale Man. I married you. You don't run off on me again."

"I love you too," he cupped her face, wanting nothing more than to kiss her senseless for hours but once again Time was against them. "I have to go for some time." Just as Avalon opened her mouth to argue, he added, "The Silence is still out there, Ava, and they're watching. They would know that I'm not dead if you disappeared with me."

"But I don't want you to leave me again," Avalon gripped his jacket as if he would run out right now. "What if I never see you again?"

"I will come back for you," the Doctor promised her. "You are my wife and I love you. I cannot live without you. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, to be honest, but it has to be done in order for everything to work out."

"But—"

"It's not forever," he leaned his forehead against hers. "It's a...it's just a moment longer. Just hang on a bit more and then we'll be off together."

"Do you promise?"

"I swear it. Cross my hearts." The Doctor pulled away from her to show her how crossed his fingers over his hearts. She smiled at the gesture. "You have no idea where I'm going to take you but rest assured that it will be fantastic!"

Avalon knew it would be. She was a very impatient woman but if he truly meant for them to finally be together then she would wait. It kind of ran in her family after all. Waiting. "Okay," she ultimately said, nodding lightly. She swallowed hard and looked at him. "I'll wait for you but please don't forget me."

"Forget you?" The Doctor almost laughed at the absurdity. "Do you know why I figured a way to weasel out of a fixed point in time?"

"Because you wanted to stay alive?"

"Well, yes, but for you! You, Avalon, made me want to keep living!" He snaked an arm around her waist again and lightly swayed them. "You asked me to find a way and I did my very best to do so."

"A robot," Avalon mumbled and scrunched her face. "I kissed a robot."

"Yeah, that was...interesting," the Doctor admitted, preferring not to think about it. "But here we are and now I just ask for a tiny bit more time."

"Okay," Avalon nodded. "I'll be...somewhere, waiting for you."

"Travel a bit, darling, on your own. Leadworth was never for you. It was a pit stop. Go out and see something," the Doctor smiled at her, cupping the side of her face. "Do things. And write them down."

In another time Avalon would've refused that idea, whether because she would want to take care of Lena or simply because he wouldn't be there, but right now that sounded really good to her. She'd discovered far too many secrets, remembered such terrible moments, that to go back to Leadworth like nothing happened was out of the question. She needed to do something else, she just wasn't sure what it was. Yet.

"Can I just ask for something before you go?" she asked quietly.

"Anything," the Doctor nodded.

"We got married, and even though you were inside a robot of yourself...our kiss wasn't real. You haven't technically kissed the bride yet…" She purposely trailed off for him to finish the idea. She smirked as his eyebrows raised with realization.

"Oh, you are very right…"

"Aha…"

"Can't have that…"

She shook her head. "Nope."

The Doctor straightened up with his arms to his sides. He met her gaze with affection. "Avalon Reynolds — Pond — can I—"

"You may kiss the bride," Avalon nodded, her expression softening with nothing but love for him.

The Doctor didn't need more than that. He held her head and pressed a kiss to her lips. His fingers gently brushed her skin while their kiss deepened. It would be their last kiss for a good while but never the last one, and that's what he worked so hard for to get. They parted slowly and very little. If they spoke, their lips would still meet.

"The end: the epilogue," Avalon whispered with happy tears. This time she knew that it wasn't the end. It was just the break between stories. Their first one had ended and soon they would sound another one. She couldn't wait for that one.

"I have to go," the Doctor said. He was studying her, committing her to memory for the dark moments he would surely go through later on. He couldn't be alone but he would try really hard not to fall into the darkness. He had a princess to come back for.

"See you later," Avalon said, giving him one last kiss. "And stay away from pretty people."

The Doctor laughed. "Right. Same for you. No flirting, especially with that Jack Harkness!"

Avalon laughed with him. "Sure."

"The Sapling will be around."

"I think that'll do me some good...seeing my...our son," Avalon felt different saying that now. While the Doctor was gone, the Sapling would be their companion. He was the only creature in the world that was half her, half Doctor. Their child. And now more than ever Avalon would want him around.

The Doctor eventually let her go and started for the TARDIS. It was a bittersweet moment but far better than the last time they did this. He would come back for her. Avalon waited until the TARDIS de-materialized before turning to the hospital. She had someone to visit.

~0~

"You okay, big brother?" Lena asked once the TARDIS was off. She stood beside the cot when the Doctor nodded and walked over, directly coming for the baby. "She's awake. Kinda fussy."

"Hm, I bet she is," the Doctor mused on what kind of baby Avalon would be. Melody was a sassy one even as an infant, surely Avalon would follow in the same steps.

"Was this really your cot?" Lena asked after a few minutes passed by. The Doctor had just watched the baby with no indication of what he was feeling. He was being tough again!

"Yes," he nodded. "And, once upon a time, my kids' too."

Lena gasped and met his gaze with her widened eyes. "Really? So these were your first stars—" she gently touched the hanging mobile, smiling when Avalon squealed at it, "—and your children's too? Not to mention Melody's...and now Avalon's. It's like a tradition. Wonder if it'll keep going…" She purposely smirked at the Doctor and he did his best to avoid looking at her.

"Very funny baby sister," he murmured then reached inside the cot. "Come here you," he gently picked the baby up into his arms. He couldn't get over how small Avalon was. She was so innocent. There were no thoughts inside that little head of hers except for the basic ones an infant would have. This was surely her quietest moment ever.

Or so he thought.

Lena heard the baby gurgle and suddenly the Doctor was scowling. "Are you seriously making fun of me?" He asked the baby incredulously. "You are a newborn and you are still making fun of me?"

"What's happening?" Lena stared at him like he was crazy.

"Your sister is making fun of my bowtie," he frowned down at the baby. "That is not nice."

The baby gurgled again. 'You're too loud. My Mummy wasn't loud.'

The Doctor huffed. "Would you stop that? I will have you know that I speak at a regular volume!"

'Stop yelling!'

"I am not yelling! You're being mean, Avalon!"

Lena watched the conversation progress into an actual argument and she didn't know who to laugh at first. The Doctor, who was over a 1000 years old, was arguing with a newborn. On the other hand, a newborn who couldn't even hold anything had just picked a fight with a thousand year old man. That was certainly Avalon Reynolds.

The TARDIS hummed to cut the argument short. The Doctor rolled his eyes at the box but it was enough to snap him out of the argument.

"You are definitely Avalon Reynolds," he tickled the baby's stomach. "I've got a story for you, Avalon. Would you like to hear it?"

'My Mummy sang to me. Can you sing to me?'

"Uh, I'm not that good at singing. But you will be! One day!"

Lena watched him go towards the console, deciding to stay quiet as he had his moment with the newborn. He started telling her a fairy tale. She didn't recognize it but now that she thought of it, she did remember that Avalon really liked the fairytale of the Bean, the Straw and the Coal. What really warmed Lena's heart was when he started to sing for a little bit, a very tiny bit just for Avalon. It was a nursery, and if Lena was right, it was the same nursery that River sang to Avalon earlier.

'A little fairy comes at night,

Her eyes are blue, her hair is brown'

with silver spots upon her wings,

And from the moon she flutters down.'

It soothed the newborn self as the TARDIS started taking them to New Earth where they would meet a past version of Ryland Reynolds. The story was about to begin (again).

~0~

Avalon gently opened the door of River's room and found Amy and Rory hugging River. When River saw it was her coming in, her entire face lit up but it soon faded. Avalon wouldn't know if it was because she wasn't that baby anymore or maybe she was just mad at everything that'd been said on the pyramid.

There were no words that came to Avalon in that moment. It was truly the first time she was completely speechless. She had no idea how to act around River and much less in this moment. All her life Avalon firmly believed her biological mother abandoned her. It fueled her anger for years and years. It made her cling to Emmalina even more. What she saw right now was nothing like what she'd been picturing. River was desolate, her face stained with so many tears that her face shined under the room lights. She was clutching her parents arms, truly nothing like the past versions of River that she'd seen. Those versions were always so cool and adventurous, brave beyond belief.

"I'm...I'm sorry," Avalon said. She had barely come into the room, taking caution to stay away from River. She might not even be invited but River had yet to say anything. "I had no idea that this was the way things happened."

"That I wasn't going to abandon you?" There was a slight edge to River's tone but any anger she felt disappeared when she looked up and saw her daughter. She was all grown up. Her baby was gone. "I told you that I wasn't going to do it and I didn't. I gave you up because I wanted you to live happily."

Avalon's eyes flickered to Amy and Rory, their expressions bearing sympathy for both of them. They'd witnessed their daughter giving away her own daughter but they had also witnessed the chaos that their granddaughter had to go through because of that very choice.

"I'm sorry," Avalon bit her lip. She blinked rapidly when the tears started stinging her eyes. "It's always my fault bad things happen to people who care about me. I try to stop it but I just make things worse. All this time I thought I was better off without my mother and the reality is...you would have been much better off without me. All of you."

"That is not true," River frowned. Beside her, both her parents nodded with agreement.

"C'mon," Avalon continued. "If I hadn't existed then you could've just ran from the Silence. Kovarian would've had no leverage on you. Hell, Oliver would've stayed alive. I've been ruining lives even before I was born."

"Avalon, quit talking like that," Rory scolded but it just made her move onto him and Amy.

"Rory, you would've been a rich man if you hadn't used all that money to bail me out each time I got arrested. And Amy would've had less migraines if I wasn't around."

"Get over here right now," River demanded in such a hard tone that Avalon actually winced. "Sit!" She commanded and patted a spot on the bed. "Now!"

Avalon swallowed hard before coming over as directed. She took a seat at the foot of the bed.

"Now you listen. Push all that hair behind your eyes," River actually waited for Avalon to do so. "You are very loved. You have always been. You've got a difficult personality but we all love you senseless. I can't imagine my life without you."

"It's the same for us," Amy agreed. "How could I have gotten through my 4 psychiatrists without you? Or the first date with that one?" She jerked a thumb over at Rory.

"Yeah, and you were the best football player in the field," Rory chuckled. "Definitely the toughest. You've been my Ava way before the Doctor. I can't imagine what life would be without you."

"You're our baby Pond," River smiled softly. "Our new Pond."

Rory groaned beside her. "Williams, dammit. She's a Williams!"

Avalon chuckled as he got into an argument with Amy about it. "I'm a...Pond," she said slowly, letting the name sit in her mouth for a moment. It was an odd thing to see the trio before her and knowing she was truly part of their family. She was a Pond. The Doctor must have had a lot of fun with that. She almost rolled her eyes imagining the secret jokes he had with himself while she didn't know.

"How about we talk for a few minutes?" River suggested to her, though she did it quite nervously. Avalon, however, nodded within the second. It was only fair.

"Will you be okay?" Amy asked her as she got off the bed. River assured her that she would be. Her daughter was right there now.

"We'll be right outside," Rory promised them as they left the room.

"You're going to jail, aren't you?" Avalon's tone had turned meek when she asked the question.

"Yes, I am," River answered her. She wished she could touch Avalon but she knew that her daughter wasn't there yet. It'd be a long time before she was.

"But it's not fair, you didn't do anything."

"Shh, to the world, I have."

"But you took my place," Avalon bit her lower lip. "You did it so that I wouldn't have to."

"And I would do it again," River said, shocking Avalon with the level of determination she said it with. "Make no mistake of that. I'm only sorry for the pain you went through. I'm so sorry about Oliver. He was really excited about you, he loved you."

Avalon swallowed hard when she thought about her father. She has held him during his last moments of life. "Can I...ask how you two met?"

"Well of course," River smiled. "We were students at the university. He was failing mathematics miserably and he was studying in the library. He was so loud that I had to tell him to be quiet. Imagine me, telling someone they're being too loud." Avalon briefly smiled. She could imagine that happening. "Anyways, we bickered for a while and then suddenly he was asking me out for a cup of coffee. He loved this little coffee shop around the university. He played shows in it all the time…"

Avalon's face lit up with recognition. "I know! Uncle Ryland showed me videos of that place. I want to visit it soon."

"I'm sure the owner would recognize you. Oliver must have talked about you in his shows at least a dozen times." River's smile saddened as seconds passed by. "I didn't think I would ever have a serious relationship with him. I just went out on a couple dates with him. You yourself were an unexpected moment." Even when the Doctor had told her that one day she would become Avalon's mother, she didn't think it would happen while she was still in school.

"You mean you didn't plan for me?" Avalon asked quietly, her eyes lowering to the bed sheets. "I was like...a mistake?"

"No!" River snapped. "I said you were unexpected but do you really think that I would call you a mistake? That Oliver would call you a mistake? Avalon Reynolds, for a woman who's the first of her kind - who knows more than most of us - you are quite dumb sometimes." River slowly chuckled at her reaction. She saw Oliver's pout there for a second. "You are my daughter and by far the best thing I have done in this world."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes," River answered automatically, leaving Avalon silent. "You are the best of me. I only ask that you please let me be part of your life when you're ready."

Avalon wondered what that would be like. She'd spent so much time hating the fictional cruel birth mother she made up when the truth was from it. River wasn't cruel. She didn't abandon her, she sacrificed herself and gave her up to live a better life. "I...I think I would like that," she said slowly and watched the way River's face brightened. She was very hopeful and it was quite shocking for Avalon. "I don't think I'm at a place to call you 'Mum' though…" She was afraid of what River might do or say to that but she had to get it out before River made any assumptions. She knew now that everything she thought of her birth mother wasn't true but the fact was she had grown up far away from River, always seeing Emmalina as her mother.

River took it with a silent nod of her head. It was a fair starting point for someone who grew up thinking a certain way about her. She could work with that and maybe one day Avalon would call her 'Mum' too.

[mdelpin]

Take it on the Run

Gratsu Week 2020 Prompt: “That idiot! Running off on his own again” Pairing: Gray x Natsu

AO3

They stood in the wreckage of their guildhall, still not able to believe that the Master had disbanded the guild. The silence was overwhelming as they all stared at the remains. It had been their home for so long none of them had any idea of what to do or where to go. Or even who they might be without it.

“He’s gone!”

Gray turned his head sharply at Lucy’s cries, his fists clenching at his sides as their meaning sunk in. It didn’t take much to figure out who she was talking about. Gray had already noticed that the Flame Brain wasn’t there, and while strange, he’d thought that he was still holed away in his house, caught up in his grief over Igneel’s death.

That idiot! Running off on his own again.

It’s not like Gray could blame him, he’d thought about doing the same thing, but in the end, he’d decided he’d rather find a distraction to keep him from thoughts of his late father and what had been done to him. Not to mention the strange magic that he had bequeathed him. Gray had only used it a few times, but he had developed a healthy fear of it. The way it made him feel, it wasn’t something he was willing to play with even though he understood that he needed to learn to control it before it had the chance to control him.

While everyone asked Lucy who she was talking about, he peered at Erza, waiting for her reaction. When he received a nod, he immediately took off for his apartment, rushing to get a bag together and go after his idiotic whatever the hell he was to him these days.

That was another source of confusion that he’d been avoiding thinking about for quite a while. Something had changed between them. Gray wasn’t sure when it had happened, or even if it was something the other wanted, but none of that was important now.

Gray couldn’t deny that he felt hurt that Natsu had left Lucy a note instead of him, and maybe it was for that reason that he’d chosen not to stick around to hear the message. Although he supposed it made a sort of sense, Lucy had become very attached to Natsu, and the dragon slayer wouldn’t have wanted to worry her.

Natsu was hurting, and for the first time in his life, the grief was so profound that he couldn’t hide it behind one of his smiles like he always did. It didn’t necessarily surprise him that the dragon slayer had taken off, it was more the fact that he had done so as quickly as he did. That’s the part that worried Gray.

He knew he had to find him before he did something stupid, like try to avenge Igneel by going after Acnologia by himself. Gray refused to lose anyone else that was important to him. But where the hell would he have gone?

The only thing he was sure of was Natsu wouldn’t take transportation, but with Happy being able to fly him and his ability to use fire to speed himself up, he already had a pretty big head start.

Gray finished packing, grabbed the last of his jewels, and left before Juvia could attempt to follow him.

0-0

He had roamed around Fiore for weeks, his worry bubbling inside him with every passing day. Memories of Natsu’s sobs over Igneel’s remains urging him on even though he had no clear trail to follow.

He trained as he walked, at first using only his regular ice magic. Gray molded object after object refamiliarizing himself with his magic as he worked on his focus and his precision. Then he began adding small amounts of his new magic, being careful not to draw too much power just in case he lost control. The combination made his ice more robust, but even using that small amount, Gray could feel that strange darkness probing him, and it scared him.

In his determination to find Natsu, he came up with something he’d never tried before. After much trial and error, he was able to create a pair of wings strong enough to bear his weight. Using everything he remembered from Ur's lessons and the little dynamic Ice-Make Lyon had managed to teach him, he was able to make them fly.

His first flight had been as terrifying as it had been exhilarating. He’d almost crashed countless times as he attempted to learn how to maneuver through air currents, but Gray was no stranger to hard work, and within a day or two, he’d gotten the hang of it.

Don’t do anything stupid, Flame Brain, at least not til I get there.

Flying sped up his efforts considerably, and it was especially helpful around mountainous areas. Gray was now able to travel long distances in one day. Even so, when he finally found Natsu, it was due more to luck than any action on his part.

He’d been flying around at night when he felt an overwhelming source of heat. His wings began to melt, and he had to reinforce them swiftly before he plummeted into the darkness.

Gray swooped down excitedly, determined to find the source when he heard what sounded like a loud explosion followed by inconsolable wails, communicating a sorrow that tugged at his heartstrings.

Searching for a safe spot to land, he discovered a clearing, and as soon as his feet touched the ground, he ran, knowing he’d found the dragon slayer at last. He followed the sound of the cries only to stop in his tracks when he caught his first glimpse of Natsu.

“Gray!” Happy greeted, and the ice mage could hear the relief hiding in that greeting, which could only mean the Exceed was worried, and given what he’d just seen, Gray wasn’t all that surprised.

He muttered a greeting in response, his eyes never leaving Natsu, appraising the changes the last few weeks had wrought. The dragonslayer was filthy, which was to be expected from being on the road for so long, Gray was sure he didn’t look much better.

But it was much more than that. Natsu appeared too thin, making Gray wonder if he’d been eating regularly. His olive eyes, which had always been imbued with the spirit of his determination, now appeared dull and empty.

It was disconcerting and much worse than Gray had anticipated.

“Easy, it’s just me,” Gray kept his voice soft when he noticed that Natsu looked like he was about to bolt. He sat down where he stood, keeping some distance between them.

“What are you doing here? ” Natsu groaned, hiding his head in his hands, but he seemed to be calming down, and Gray took that as a good sign. “I specifically asked to be left alone.”

“Did you? I didn’t exactly stick around to hear your little note,” Gray shrugged, making a valiant effort to sound like it hadn’t bothered him.

Natsu peered up at whatever he heard in Gray’s voice before quickly looking down at his hands, “Gray, I-,” he sighed, “I was going to write you one, but I couldn’t come up with the words I wanted, Lucy was... easier.”

“You didn’t have to leave at all, you dumbass,” Gray pointed out, “We would all have been there for you. ”

“I didn’t want anyone to see me like this,” Natsu revealed, and after a moment, admitted, “I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

“Natsu -,” words escaped him. Gray wanted to tell him that he’d been almost sick with worry since the moment he’d realized that Natsu had left, but he understood that wasn’t what the dragon slayer needed from him right then. And in the absence of words, there was only one thing he could think to do. He stood up, approaching Natsu slowly.

“Come here, you big idiot,” Gray grabbed Natsu in a rough embrace, smiling when he felt the dragon slayer relax into him, his arms slowly coming up to return the gesture. “I’m just glad I found you.”

“How did you?” Natsu sounded puzzled, but he didn’t let go of Gray, and the ice mage took that as a win.

“Luck mostly,” Gray answered honestly, gently rubbing circles on Natsu’s back, “and a healthy dose of wanting to kick your ass for leaving in the first place.”

Natsu stiffened at that, and Gray was quick to let go of him. He walked over to his pack and searched for some food he could share with the dragon slayer. Finding some apples, he grabbed a handful along with the last of his jerky and shared them with Natsu and Happy.

Happy didn’t even complain about it not being fish, devouring his apple in one bite, and looking hopefully at Gray for another. Natsu studied his apple for a few minutes before taking a tentative bite and sitting down.

Gray sat next to him, placing the rest of the food on the ground atop Happy’s green kerchief. Natsu needed to eat something more substantial, but this would have to do for now. He’d hunt them down some food once he was sure that Natsu wouldn’t try to take off in his absence. Maybe he could even convince him to do it together like they sometimes did on team jobs.

Natsu continued to eat slowly, something Gray never thought he’d see in his lifetime, taking occasional peeks at Gray.

“I’m not going back,” Natsu said defensively, “at least not yet,” he amended when he saw Gray getting ready to protest.

“I have to get stronger so I can take him out,” Natsu roared, ” I won’t lose to him again!”

“I know, I’m not here to take you back,” Gray assured him, “I’m here for you, and, “ he paused, wondering if it was too soon, “because I need your help.”

“My help?” Natsu watched him warily, trying to catch the lie in his words, “What could you possibly want my help with?”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Gray insisted, recognizing the disgust in Natsu’s voice. He knew Natsu would never stop blaming himself for what had happened to Igneel, just like Gray would never forgive himself for not being able to give his father the peace he’d asked for, “there was nothing you could have done, nothing any of us could have done.”

“It’s not fair!” Natsu lamented, punching the ground for emphasis, even as his eyes shone with unshed tears. “He was right there, Gray, and then he was taken from me before I even had a chance to talk to him. And then to find out he’d been inside me all along - I searched all those years! What kind of rotten trick was that?!”

“I don’t know,” Gray answered honestly, “ but even I could see he loved you. I have to imagine it wasn’t an easy decision for him to make.”

He took a chance and reached out for Natsu’s hand, squeezing it firmly and pulling him closer until their knees touched.

“Gray?” Natsu glanced at him in surprise, and Gray had to admit it was unusual for him to be so tactile.

Outside of the occasional fistbump, the only time they ever really touched was during their neverending brawls, but maybe it was time to change that as well, to give a name to whatever it was that was happening between them. If this experience had taught him anything, it was that life was full of curveballs, and you had to hold on to the things that were important to you before they too were taken away.

“I know you think you failed, but we’re going to get stronger, and we’re going to take down that sonofabitch, and E.N.D, and Zeref, and anyone else who gets in our way,” Gray vowed, “but we’re only going to be able to manage that if we work together.”

Gray had made a promise to his father, and he intended to keep it, to put an end to all the suffering his family and others like them had suffered at the hands of Zeref’s demons. But he had also made many promises to himself in regards to his Fairy Tail family, and Acnologia had come after them twice now. They couldn’t afford to give him a third chance.

Natsu didn’t respond to his words right away, weighing them carefully against whatever he’d been planning to do. His gaze shifted from Gray’s face to their joined hands until he managed a smile for the first time since Gray had arrived.

“Together then,” he agreed, and for a brief moment, Gray caught a glimpse of the usual spark in Natsu’s eyes, and it gave him hope that everything would turn out alright.

A/N: Thanks to @oryu404​ for their help with the edit. This was somewhat unplanned but I wanted to contribute something! Might turn into a multi later, might not...

[suppressedanxiety]

Hey Pat? Are you feeling okay? I’m sure your meal was delicious, Logan and Roman just have a lot on their minds that’s all

Anonymous said: Noooo Pat ok I wanna be nice, until Virgil becomes big again, all of Patton’s meals with taste 3x better than usual, and all cookies will taste 5x better than usual. On that note, I wanna magic a few chocolate chip cookies (on a plate) to his room, and also a comforting feeling once he enters (because I platonically love my Sander dad and I dont like him being sad) ~💙

@oxylillikay said: With Anxiety still contained, how is Patton doing?

Patton sniffled in his room, wrapped up in a blanket burrito and desperately trying to stave off the negative thoughts crowding the back of his mind. He had paced in front of Anxiety’s room for almost half an hour before knocking, quiet at first and then loud, but to no avail. 

The anxious side was still avoiding him. He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Anxiety for days now, and while normally he would remind himself to be patient and let the other side take things at his own pace, his endurance was running thin. 

It seemed like no matter what he did, it wasn’t enough. Anxiety didn’t respond to any of his olive branches, and Roman and Logan were both withdrawing, going off to do their own important things and leaving Patton behind. Leaving him alone. 

He wiped his nose on his sleeve, caught in a cycle of longing for company and hating himself for longing when they had their own lives and duties to attend to. Thomas needed them, all of them, and what was Patton doing? Sitting around being useless and forgetting to help him socialize until it was already too late. 

Logan had already started to get suspicious after the study group, and Patton was sure he’d only managed to get through that because Logan was loathe to inspect anything to do with feelings too closely; If Roman began sniffing around the incident, he’d see through Patton in an instant. 

Especially since Patton had let Thomas muck everything up so badly. 

Sure, he had felt just peachy while the study group was happening, and brushed Logan’s concern off at the time, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that the event had gone horribly wrong. 

Thomas hadn’t cleaned up anything, feeling self assured in his appearance, even though there was a kind of gross smell emanating from the trash can and he’d already slept in the shirt he was wearing. He’d said a few embarrassing pick up lines to the cute guy in the group at exactly the wrong times, interrupting the flow of the study group and making everyone feel awkward. Patton was terrified that they had all left early because of it. 

He couldn’t even get Thomas to apologize properly, because he was hiding all these negative thoughts from his host, keeping any worries about the situation tucked close to his chest. 

After all, if Thomas started panicking and the others found out, they’d be so upset with him! They would probably start ignoring him like Anxiety was, and then he’d really be alone, all the time. Forever. 

Anonymous said: Is it just me, or does Patton seem like he’s taking over the role of anxiety as well? :0

Anonymous said: So it’s becoming apparent that Patton is being affected with anxiety. Are there going to be any external effects of this like the darkening under the eyes that happened in AA Part 2? (I know this is pre-AA but I was just wondering if the puffball is gonna get some eye shadow).

Anonymous said: But it would take a while to remake everything and the current food would get cold and gross, and what if they came downstairs to eat and there was only gross cold food and they left without eating anything and maybe passed out in their rooms and hit their heads on something on the way down and it would all be because of him?“ That sure is a run on sentence you got in your head there Patton. I’m sure you’re doing fine mentally. That’s a totally normal, healthy thought pattern I’m sure…

Anonymous said: From the sounds of it Patton is starting to have his own anxious thoughts. When he was worried about the others passing out from lack of food and hurting themselves because of it. Is it possible that if anxiety is repressed too long that he would cease to exist and essentially fuse into Patton since he’s the other main emotional side?

Anonymous said: Gee Patton it’s kinda starting to sound like your spiraling? Or developing anxiety yourself? Everything looking ok there bud?

Patton gave in and rubbed at his eyes even though he knew it would only make them all puffy and that would worry the others if they needed him for something and then they’d find out, and-

His increasingly panicked train of thought was swiftly derailed as he caught sight of a dark smear on his knuckles, the ones he’d been rubbing his eyes with. 

It was… eyeshadow? But that didn’t make any sense. That was Anxiety’s motif, representing the sleeplessness that often came with his presence and Thomas’s tendency to rub at his eye makeup when stressed or exhausted. It shouldn’t be on Patton, especially not when he hadn’t seen the anxious Side in ages. 

Come to think of it, had he slept lately…?    

He thought back on some of his behaviors for the past few days, and didn’t like what he saw. He had been feeling increasingly… well, anxious. That would be all well and good if he was a person, but he was a Side. He wasn’t supposed to take on other Sides’ roles, not unless… 

Not unless something had happened to them. 

Panic hit Patton so hard that his head swam, imagining all the ways Anxiety could have gotten hurt or worse without him knowing. He’d been sitting around moping about his own hurt feelings while the other Side was dealing with something bad enough that he could be fading entirely! 

He jolted out of bed, tears blurring his vision, and immediately hit the floor. He was hit with another wave of self loathing. No wonder the others didn’t want to be around him. 

… Wait. The others.

Anonymous said: Hm. The boys being evasive around Pat screwing with his head probably is making the extra negative processing EXTRA HARD.

Anonymous said: Patton, don’t you think Roman and Logan have been acting a bit strange recently? -🐌

Were they okay? The two of them had promised to give Patton’s meals to Anxiety if they saw him, but what if they ended up hurt by whatever was hurting Anxiety? What if they had been acting different lately because they were on their way to vanishing too? 

He couldn’t let that happen. 

Patton pushed himself up off the floor, untangling the blankets from his legs and drying his eyes. He needed to be better than this if he wanted to help Anxiety, help Logan and Roman, help Thomas. 

He took a few deep breaths, focusing. Right now, he needed to not be upset. He had to be calm. Self-assured. Happy. Perfect. He had to focus. He HAD TO.

… 

Alone in his room, desperate to protect those he loved from an imaginary threat, something in Patton shifted.

[sunsetsover]

i’d love to read one of your posts about ben’s actions tonight? like, we all understand /why/ but you have such a lovely way with words and i like pain. thanks 🥺

thank you, you’re so sweet!! usually i like to answer asks in order but imma let u skip the queue just this once bc this one’s time sensitive and ur so nice 🥺

so……. where do i even begin w this……..

the thing is ben has such horrible self esteem issues and a lot of ppl (both characters on the show and ppl in the audience) don’t realize that bc he comes across as very confident and bold and unfazed by anything, but the thing is….. that’s a front…….. he is not confident, he is not bold (not when it really matters) and he’s affected by pretty much everything. like massively so. what other people think of him - particularly people he cares about - affects not only how he sees himself, but also how he behaves. he seems to almost want to be a self fulfilling prophecy - remember how everyone thought it was ben who hit phil over the head, so ben was like ‘well seeing as though everyone thinks i tried to kill him, i might as well actually do it’?? yeah. he’s very susceptible to allowing other people’s opinions on him dictate his opinions of himself, as well as the course of action he ends up taking.

so it’s very easy to see how that lead to what happened with callum and their date. ian making a comment about it? well ben gives back as good as he gets, and this is ian we’re talking about, who is as obtuse as they come. but you see as ben leaves the beale’s that despite seeming unbothered by it, that comment actually got to him. it got him thinking: what if ian was right? what if he has a point? literally ben was already doubting himself after a snide comment from ian, that’s how affected he is by other people’s opinions (and also that’s how much he cares about callum!). and then you’ve got jay piling on top of that, and ok maybe his comments were innocuous and maybe he had a point, but with what ian had already said? the doubts really start taking hold. like maybe ian isn’t just full of shit, not if jay’s thinking the same thing - jay, who probably knows ben better than anyone. so maybe he and callum aren’t right for each other. maybe they won’t work.

and then you’ve got stuart who just puts the giant fucking nail in the coffin. he sets the disaster snowball rolling down the hill. and he does it in a really clever, manipulative way too (it’s a similar type of manipulation we see ben use on callum when he sold him that van!): he disarmed ben with an apology and with this newfound openmindedness, offers ben an olive branch by saying ‘i care about callum and i think you do too’ - essentially lowering ben’s guard - and then goes in with the ‘bad things happen around you so you need to stay away from callum because i don’t want happened to paul to happen to him’. and that undoubtedly completely fucks ben up - we didn’t even really need ian and jay putting doubts in his head before that tbh, i think what stuart said would have been enough to screw ben up on it’s own. and you know, i think even with ian and jay’s comments, if stuart hadn’t said what he said they might’ve been alright. ben might be a little bit off, but it probably would have been recoverable. but as soon as paul was mentioned - as soon as what happened to paul was mentioned - it was all bets off the table. we’ve seen how much paul’s death still affects ben, how much he still blames himself. so to have stuart basically insinuate that yeah, what happened to paul was somehow because of ben and that the same thing might happen to callum - someone that ben obviously really cares about - again because of ben? it was game over. stuart softened him up then went right for ben’s rawest spot. like how the fuck was he supposed to recover from that in a matter of hours?

and yeah, he probably should have done the decent thing and just cancelled. but that’s not how ben’s brain works. ee have already established that doing this exact thing is a pattern of behaviour for ben - he broke up w the guy he was seeing (that he was into!) in newcastle for the exact same reason he purposely sabotaged his date with callum: because he ‘had to, because if anything had got, like, serious, then [ben] would have ruined his life’. those are ben’s exactwords. now who does that sound like? what kind of paranoia is that kind of thinking feeding into? this is what ben thinks about himself. this is what ben worries he’s going to do to the men in his life. like this is what ben does!!! which is why it really surprised me that some ppl thought his behaviour yesterday was OOC. it seems to me that if anything this behaviour is perfectly in line with both his character and his previous actions. and to be perfectly honest, i think if ben hadn’t tried to deliberately fuck it up now, then he probably would have eventually. at least if he’s doing this right at the very beginning the two of them have a chance of working through it.

so why didn’t ben just cancel? well callum would’ve wanted an explanation. and what could ben have said, when he had been so up for it until then? ‘sorry, a few people have talked some sense into me and i realized i like you too much to ruin your life’? that wouldn’t have worked. ‘i changed my mind’? callum’s gonna ask why. ‘something came up’? callum might ask for another date. and ben clearly likes callum quite a bit, and he knows as well as we do that if callum had asked him out again, he probably wouldn’t have been able to say no. so he thinks: i have to break this until there’s no chance of recovery. i need to destroy any chance there is for us, get rid of any interest callum has in me. i need to make him angry at me, because then he’ll stay away from me. i need to make him hate me, because if he hates me at least he won’t be hurting. and if i do have to hurt him, it’s better to hurt him now rather than further down the line when it will hurt him ten times more. it’s flawed thinking, obviously, but ben’s a flawed man with a lot of issues and no self esteem who thinks that a) he doesn’t deserve someone like callum and b) that he’ll only end up hurting him, or that callum will end up hurt because of him. so in his own fucked up way, he was really trying to protect callum - from ben himself, and whatever pain ben’ll inevitably (as far as he’s concerned) end up inflicting on him. (and don’t forget paul and what happened to him was now at the forefront of his mind too, so i’m sure that only made him even more determined to make sure he gets callum as far away from him as possible.)

so what does he do? he completely fucking destroys this date. invites other people along, pays callum no attention, makes 0 effort, literally cops off with someone else in plain view and then makes it clear he’s not bothered what callum thinks about it (although it backfired a little bit bc callum’s such a sweetheart and also has no self esteem so he went the ‘no hard feelings’ route which must have infuriated ben bc like no!! he was supposed to kick off!! swear!!! call ben a bastard!!! anything but be so painfully understanding!!!!) and he does all of this to basically fuck their relationship up beyond repair. bc if he does that then callum will be able to move on and find someone else, someone kind and safe and normal who won’t hurt him or fuck it up.

and i know it won’t make sense to some people, but he did all of it with the best intentions. with callum’s feelings in mind, not ben’s own - in fact, ben’s feelings and what he wants are practically redundant in this situation bc he’s so set on doing what he thinks is the best thing for callum. what ben wants and feels about it doesn’t matter.

and he manages to do a pretty good job of ignoring his feelings up until the very end, when he’s essentially alone. then - and only then - do we get to see how fucking upset ben is about the whole thing. like he’s sitting there drinking by himself trying not to cry! he’s fucking heartbroken! because his actions during the date, that wasn’t him wanting to be cruel or vindictive or hurt callum. that was him trying to protect callum (and i know, i know not everyone will understand or agree with that but i promise you that’s exactly what he was trying to do). his own happiness, his own feelings, they don’t matter. he’s fucking devastated, but it doesn’t matter. callum is safe now. he’ll be alright, and as long as callum’s alright, nothing else matters.

and the most telling part of it all? the fact that ben didn’t go home w that guy he’d been kissing earlier. he could have. he so easily could have - the guy was into him, he was up for it, and we know ben’s not opposed to random hook ups. but he didn’t. he wasn’t at all interested. why? because he wanted callum. he caresabout callum. he was just using that guy to make his point - that ben is bad and callum shouldn’t be interested in him bc because he can do better. he had 0 interest in that guy and the minute everyone was gone and no one was around to witness it, ben made that very clear - he didn’t even want fuck him as a rebound or to prove he doesn’t care about callum or whatever. he couldn’t even pretend.

like ben just really cares about callum and that’s exactly why he did what he did - because he thinks that it was the best and kindest thing to do.

idk i just hope that this helps give people a little bit of perspective on why ben did what he did bc i feel like some ppl were kind of unfairly harsh on him. the way he behaved was not at all fair on callum, and i don’t condone what he did, but as someone who has been there myself (not literally the same situation, but the same ‘i need to scare them off now so i don’t hurt them in the long run’ way of thinking) i can confidently say that it was from a place of good intentions. completely twisted and fucked up and unfair, yes, but his heart was (mostly) in the right place.

but yeah lmao i’m glad you like my way with words bc you just got a lot of them!!! and perhaps a lot of pain too lmao 💕💕

[wiresandstarlings]

where would you go to lose all your angles? how would you make it complete?

Last weekend, Oliver Tomajko polled his Twitter followers on whether they lean more on intuition or logic when playing Magic. Oliver's question got me thinking, because both processes are so important. I ultimately voted for intuition. This surprised my friends, since in conversation I reject arguments without sound logical justification out of hand. However, while I distrust my intuition, playing Magic without it would be impossible. 

For example, when I’m deciding whether to play around a combat trick, I can quantify how likely my opponent is to have the trick, how much damage I’m taking to play around it, and so on. But what is 2 life really worth? And what’s my plan for dealing with the trick down the line? No collection of numbers tells the whole story.

I see math as a guide for my intuition. While I can’t work out complicated probabilities inside of games, checking my intuition in retrospect keeps it in line. The more decision trees I solve and hypergeometric probabilities I calculate ahead of sitting down to play, the less likely I am to make mistakes. But no matter how much math I’ve done, my intuition is ultimately at the helm when I make a practical decision. 

To illustrate this paradigm, I want to walk through 2 interesting spots from my games at Dreamhack Anaheim. The first is from my match against Jim Davis at 4-0 on day 1. To introduce the game state, I played Narset on turn 4 with Mystical Dispute up and Narset instantly resolved, meaning that Jim had no instants. He played his own Narset into my Dispute, I played Teferi to force Elspeth Conquers Death, he played Elspeth Conquers Death on Teferi, I played Dream Trawler, he played a second Elspeth Conquers Death on my Narset. (I should have -3'd my Teferi and cannot explain why I didn't, but that’s outside this discussion.) Now it's my turn and I've drawn my 2nd Dream Trawler and an Omen of the Sea off the 1st Trawler attacking. I need to decide whether to cast my 2nd Trawler or to pass with countermagic. 

I know that on turn 6, Jim did not have Shatter the Sky, since he would have killed my Dream Trawler with it. With a draw step and his Narset coming back from Elspeth Conquers Death, he has a 20.4% chance of finding a Shatter with 2 Shatters in his deck. With 1 Shatter, he has a 10.6% chance of hitting. If I play the Trawler and Jim doesn't immediately find and play a Shatter, I'm almost 100% to win. I'll attack him down to 7 with my 2 Trawlers and then he'll have to find and resolve a Shatter through 2 counterspells, since his ECD taxes will have expired. If I play Trawler and he hits a Shatter, then I almost certainly lose. All in all, by playing the Trawler, I lock in an 80+% chance to win. So I need to figure out whether I'm more or less than 80% to win the longer game when I hold the second Trawler.  

To start, I can ask how the game will play out if I stay on 1 Trawler. Jim will get Narset back on his turn and minus it. And then maybe he’ll play another Narset, or a Teferi, or his own Dream Trawler? I know he has at least one threat in hand since he had no instants on turn 4 with 6 cards in hand and has played 2 lands, 3 threats, and missed a land drop since then. And if he plays a threat, I have to let it resolve because he still has the last chapter on his second ECD coming and currently has no targets for it. So if Jim has a Teferi, and that’s his most likely threat, then my countermagic is no good anyway. 

Even if his last threat is a third ECD and he doesn’t find Teferi off of Narset, what do I do? I’ll attack him to 11, then kill his Narset, and then kill him over the next two turns? In the meantime, he’ll get another minus off his Narset, which maybe finds a Teferi, which would force my Absorb with a 6th land, and then maybe Jim wins the fight over Shatter anyway. 

Further, will I even be able to even resolve the 2nd Dream Trawler after Jim Shatters? My hand isn't very good and Jim will have all spells and an active Narset, so probably not. 

Even after all that reasoning, I couldn’t tell you with certainty whether I'm more or less than 80% to win when I hold the Trawler. But when I think about how the game will play out after holding, I feel this total lack of control. So many things can go wrong, it’s hard for the 2nd Trawler to even matter when Shatter resolves, my hand is so bad against Jim’s likely holdings and it’s not going to improve. Knowing how high the number I’m locking in by jamming is, I have this strong sense that holding cannot possibly be right. 

The second spot is from my match against Aaron Gertler, the eventual winner, in the top 4 of the winner's bracket. This is an example of my intuition going astray. 

I navigated the game to a position where I have a Teferi on 5 loyalty and a Dream Trawler and Dovin's Veto in hand to Aaron's 2 random draws, 1 from Shatter the Sky. He casts Incubation, and I have to decide whether or not to Veto it. 

If Aaron misses on Incubation, his unknown card is a brick, and he has nothing on top, then I'll win no matter what I do. Similarly, if Aaron ever has 2 pieces of action, via Incubation or the top of his deck, then I lose no matter what I do. So the key scenarios are when Aaron hits off Incubation and his 2 random draws are bad and when Aaron misses on Incubation but has action in hand or on top (but not both). 

With 40 cards in deck, Aaron's unknown card and top card each have a 17.5% chance of being Escape to the Wilds or Fae of Wishes. (I don't know the exact size of Aaron's deck at this point and I'm not going to count.) So if I Veto the Incubation, I win 67.7% of the time, when Aaron has nothing and draws nothing. On the other hand, Incubation has a 42.7% chance of hitting Fae of Wishes if all 4 Fae are still in his deck. Because I have Teferi in play, Fae of Wishes is the only creature in Aaron's deck that I care about. But when Aaron hits Fae, I basically just lose because of his Clover. 

The upshot of holding the Veto is that if Aaron bricks on Incubation and his last card is exactly Escape (since I lose to Fae in hand no matter what I do) or if Aaron's top card is Fae or Escape (since Granted is too slow with the Trawler already in play), then I win. However, since I always lose when Incubation hits Fae, I have at most a 57.3% chance of winning when I let Incubation resolve, and I lose some of the time even when he bricks. 

This is a spot where my intuition misguided me and doing the math reveals the severity of my error. At the time, my instinct was that Aaron had around a 30% chance of hitting a Fae, from doing similar calculations in the past. If that's true, then the decision is close. But not only is Aaron much more likely to find Fae than I thought, I also just wasn't thinking about how few true haymakers Aaron had in deck. If Aaron had 6 Escape-type cards (noncreature must-counters), then I'd only have a 55.8% chance of winning by countering Incubation, and it's again a close decision. But as is, I incorrectly estimated both probabilities and made a clear mistake. 

I obviously won't be able to repeat all this reasoning inside an actual game of Magic. But by doing the math now, I’ll hopefully be able to intuit the correct play the next time I’m in a similar position. 

(As a bonus mistake from that game, I should have used Teferi to bounce my Banishing Light before casting Shatter the Sky on the previous turn. That line I just missed.)

Thanks for reading, as always. I'm planning to write more soon, maybe about topics outside of Magic again, but I'm always planning that. 

[cleaduvalls]

i watched all 20 episodes of spy kids: mission critical in about a week and here are my thoughts (3/5)

1.9

i havent watched this in like 2 days i dont even remember what happened last time

why is everything in the desert the desert sucks

alsjhiajgdf i love tom kenny

listen i know hes like a superandroid or whatever but i really hope he and therese fall in love

wait hold up. i thought they already had midterms???? like the did that before scorpion went to her fashion shoot. AND they were kupkakkes midterms. whats up with this school

no drinking in class???? rude. let them hydrate

that seems imbalanced

aHh

thats only like 10

also that book is dummy thicc

its ok ace my nose whistles too

shut up carmen youre just jealous because shes pretty

there are no seasons its a desert

ok dude stop breathing so hard

he JUST said that

anywhere between an hour and umm... 11 months

you put it on one page why are all the pages back

me but with physics

thats literally the best line in the whole series

juni how do you not know that you were at a safe H O U S E

theyve been gone for like 2 hours are they not allowed to study?????

what even is AWOL???

absent without leave. neat

talon gives off some big draco energy

tick tock???? how dare you

slkdhfa she called sir awesome honey shes such a mom

dont make it obvious

oh look they made it obvious

roll credits

i was in cleveland when i watched this episode - well actually i left that day - and i was s h o o k e t h

also hes right. no spy would be in cleveland. theres 3 buildings

oh me too

right bc shes the only “I.A.”

ew

eW

this isnt HARRY POTTER. or maybe it is. talon is a hardcore draco

oh right bc swearing is for Men™

update tumblr decided to break AGAIN (im boutta cry btw) so we lost about 5 minutes from the end of 1.9 and 7 from the beginning of 1.10

1.10

its a DOORBELL do they not have those in the outback steakhouse

lots of people. doofenshmirtz, other people who i cant think of right now, etc

???? no it wont????

did your troop leader not give you The Talk??? you NEVER go in the customers house

ace no. youre allowed to not buy treats

theres a triforce on her vest, too

shes just gonna go to another house yall. shell be f i n e

oh my God shes holding hands with mauly im gonna c r y

yeah its called saliva

nope only scorpion lives in a castle

stop bringing up spy sense and tell him you saw her glare at you

HES ALLOWED TO LIKE FOOD

how do you know that he doesnt have his phone if YOU dont know where it is and HE cant tell you

i love how she says "floor. ceiling. more thumb"

haha i found the birth of venus

oh and the creation of adam

hes like squidward, which would make sense bc goldies voiced by tom kenny who voices spongebob

"sebastian oliver" "shadow operative" S.O. nice

why do you have a trailblazers badge. youre 4. i didnt get one til i was a cadette

also sebastian???? isnt that the toymakers first name????? you cant have 2 sebastians

also why do you have braces. youre still 4

"SIR MEANIE FACE" IF SOMEONE SAID THAT TO ME ID BE D E V A S T A T E D

SCORPION LET HER CRY SHES F O U R

so really, spy sense DID help

oooooh, sentry duty, thats gotta hurt

WHAT THE H E C K YOURE F O U R

she looks like frickin plushtrap

aCE NO YOURW GONNA D I E

oh trust me they hurt me more than you know

dude theyre so thin youre f i n e

eh, still worked

clicking her teeth together so hard must H U R T

i think she can get out of there. also shes concussed now

why was that so quiet. why did it get louder

thats not a y shape

no, they spy kids

oh shiitake mushrooms thats what THEY said

whenever they say pinnoquinoxx i always think of pinnochio

ahdhhsjak i miss pizza parties 😔

well now we ALL expect it

also, no one????? pick a cooler code name. your regular name was cool and now youve ruined it

2.1

oh theres finally a skip intro option. im not taking it

stop saying that its weird

EWWWWWW CRUSTY THATS SO G R O S S

haha shes shopping w the goon. love that

oh yeah i didnt get to tell yall yet but i absolutely h a t e gablet

a lot of people, juni

listen i know a jt (but he doesnt go by jt) and uhhhhhhh were not gonna go there

why are you happy. what about second semester makes you so happy

boi thats a tardis

the design on his hoverboard looks like the aperture science logo

i paused to read the Floops label and it says "fried corn and sugar loop shaped breakfast substitute, net wt. 13 oz" ITS NOT EVEN A CEREAL ITS A BREAKFAST SUBSTITUTE IM C R Y I N G

listen i know hes technically scorpions dad but i dont think he can legally be in the dorm rooms

aww, thats sweet

i dont think gablet has an attached printer

gablet always sounds like shes mocking people

oh dear God its dolores umbridge

haha nerd

awesome no im gonna die

whenever carmen yells she sounds like link

ok so i didnt find a reason why she sounds like link but i DID find that theyre making a wherea waldo tv series so uhhhh thats fun

why does the cat have a bandaid

GABLET S T O P

OH!!!!!! ON THE WALL!!!!!!! ITS THE TUMBLR POST WITH THE FORK AND KNIFE ETIQUETTE PICTURE!!!!! YOU KNOW THE ONE!!!!!

oh no fart jokes

its even the basic fart sound effect

BAHAHAH MY PHONE VIBRATED AT THE SAME TIME HE FARTED THAT WAS WEIRD

oh no i hate him

stop SLURPING

uh yeah???? you heard them yelling about it

how??? does that work??? you cant just like catch electricity in a cup.... can you???? i havent studied it since 4th grade

oh worm??

goldies such a boomer

worm??

psi shouldnt be at the drawing board right now. he also shouldnt be confused

what happened to the lasers

wait nvm we havent gotten to that episode yet

ace is valid, dark is Scary

im gonna punch gablet in the face

that doesnt sound realistic

do you not have stairs??????

dont you mean inside AND out??

that flashlight did NOTHING

how did it die so fast?????

who else would you be talking to??

isnt that bowser from the mario movie we dont speak of??

i havent gotten a chance to tell yall but i absolutely love clemp. hes such a mood

hes the greatest spy

does it use a mini transmooker???? ig it doesnt bc gablet works but thatd be lit

SEE SHES IMMORTAL

me when i see something interesting

ME WHEN IM NOT ON MY PHONE

i dont think you can legally say that

you killed her

me

wow nice promo

also just???? bring a charger????? like youre the tech girl why do you not have one at all times

how?????? did you go so fast

machete electric bubbles??? nice

just task manager him

mother of all boards sounds like it could be a cuss...mother of all fuckers

also throwback to 1.7 when she says "his ai firewalled his motherboard" i keep expecting her to say "his ai firewalled this motherfucker"

yes i said keep ive watched that episode too many times to count

worm??

why did you giggle and make a flirty pose. are yall supposed to get together???

did you????? kill him????????? holy shit

2.2

thats what my dad does. he loves hospital corners

idc what it is you have a bazooka

ok if it was a spider id get it, australia has some deadly ones, but does it have deadly ants too???? like is that a Thing????

also ants in your room are gross

was that just a cameo??? i dont remember what happens in this one

haha because he said grapevines and wine has dregs and wine is made of grapes

for the boys??? thats so cute

listen idc how evil you are EVERYONE should cry over otters

so one of the parents has a sister or sister in law named roxanna..... hmmm.......

if you dont use your turn signal h*ck u

hes gonna D I E

i just looked at my shoe and i think theres blood on it???? what the h*ck

suspicious??? about.... what???? having fears???? not being perfect?????

juni that was awful wording

JUNI WHAT DID YOU D O TO HIM

like i know what he DID but the way it plays out makes it seem like something significant

i thought his name was heavy meddle not.... deth metal???? thats how the subtitles spell it

hahah me

he sounds like bling bling boy

yeah ik im a fool thanks for reminding me

what are you gonna do??? kill juni????

POOR WORD CHOICE JUNI

oh he gives exactly 0 h*cks

a shoe doesnt make that sound

crack bugs?????

see thats why you dont mess with things

im a god among boys??????? what????

did you... kill them????????????

thats any australian person

theyre so stupid i love them

good i hate her

i thought the gunk just like... disappeared from the guitar but actually it shot off

he died... 😔

uhh.... yeah????? was it not obvious?????

me when i have 5 dollars

[thesinglesjukebox]

FULL TAC FT. LIL MARIKO - WHERE'S MY JUUL??

[6.11]

Do we choose rule, or do we choose suck?

Alex Clifton: Juuls. Juuls. Juuls. Oh my god, Juuls. [7]

Katie Gill: It's a little bit telling how all the comments on the YouTube video are comparing this song to other meme songs and not talking about the merits of the song itself. Still, there will always be a place in the world for meme songs that are serviceable memes but less than serviceable songs that teenagers can obnoxiously quote on the bus. "Where's My Juul" fits that niche perfectly. I expect a fleet of TikToks featuring people lip-syncing to this and will be very disappointed when this inevitably doesn't happen because I am out of touch with the youth. [6]

Kalani Leblanc: I can see there's already an abundance of blurbs submitted for this song, and the number will have risen by the time I finish this. After thinking so hard about how to go about being the fifteenth person to say "It sounds like "Shoes"," I'm realizing it's not really "Shoes" anyway. While they're both jokes that bear a resemblance in the thrash of a breakdown, "Where's My Juul??" is also listenable. The comparison is getting tired because it's like did anyone listen to "Shoes"? As a song? In earnest??? While this is not an entirely impressive piece, no concerto or FKA Twigs production, it's enough. Since 2006, we've been making everything into jokes, so it makes perfect sense. Nicotine-induced freakouts would've been the subject of an after school special ten years ago, but now they're joke material for hypebeasts and others on Twitter. Lil Mariko makes an impressive case while trying to find her Juul; I can't find anything this song did wrong, sorry. [8]

Will Adams: The mid-song 0-to-11 ramp is what takes this past the mean-spiritedness of "#Selfie" and the meme-spiritedness of "Phone" into effortless "Shoes"/"Let Me Borrow That Top" absurdity. The Juul is a placeholder; sub in any other monosyllabic cultural artifact, and Lil Mariko's rage against Full Tac's electroclash-y beat would cut through just as effectively. "Sorry, guys!" she says at the end, except there's nothing to apologize for. [7]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: I wrote 20 pages about Juul culture in 2018 so I should in theory be the exact target audience for this. Yet "Where's My Juul??" doesn't really click for me. It's charming and funny in parts (Lil Mariko's spoken verses, which transmit nervy anxiety and barely restrained fury effectively) but the hook, which takes up most of the very long minute-forty-five, is comedy via brute force principles: repeat a phrase enough and it will transfigure into a joke. [5]

Brad Shoup: About as funny as the related TikTok meme, though not as menacing, surprisingly. I wish so badly that Full Tac had gone full hardcore -- or even brostep! -- but am glad that Lil Mariko's Danny Brownian ad-libs and sudden reversals grind "#SELFIE" into the dirt. [7]

Oliver Maier: I need not catalogue the myriad ways in which this is transparently designed to blast off on TikTok -- you would probably know better than me -- but that cynicism detracts from "Where's My Juul??" for me. There's none of the spontaneity or sense of genuine fun that animates certain other genre-agnostic, threat-spewing, extremely online weirdo duos, more savvy than it is genuinely silly. It's not badly executed, but I felt like I got the picture before even hitting play. [4]

Will Rivitz: I get this is supposed to be more meme than song, but I so wish it had leaned into the latter for more than half its runtime. The "FUCK!!!" at the beginning of its second chorus is worth at least a [7] on its own, and its redlining nu-metal production is such a tight fusion of XXXTENTACION's sonic fingerprint and simplified TikTok trap that I'm surprised the "oh my God" ad-libs aren't followed by a "Ronny." As it stands, "Where's My Juul??" and its just-a-little-too-long interludes that grate after listen number four or so functions as a sort of "Thrift Shop" for the current day, a track defined by its novelty that we as an Internet music-Twitter hivemind all agree was genuinely good about five years after it's exited the public consciousness. It deserves more. [8]

Ian Mathers: Both less musically compelling and with less of a point than "Can I Get a Box?". [5]

Katherine St Asaph: It's kind of amazing how it took seven years for Rebecca Martinson to release her debut. [1]

Nortey Dowuona: Lil Mariko is actually kinda weird in the lol so random funny way that people think that [insert overrated white comic who had a Comedy Central show] is and has a really great metal screaming voice. I don't know who made this dull approximation of Kenny Beats and Pi'erre Bourne, nor do I care. Lil Mariko will hopefully get a recurring cameo role on Nora From Queens and get her own show from that. [5]

Mo Kim: The best joke here is the escalation of nonchalance (hey, where's my Juul?) into something desperate, and therefore dangerous: it hits like the drop in a rollercoaster when Lil Mariko finally breaks out the deep-throated metal screams, but the moment wouldn't have half the thrill without the masterful way she gradually ups the heat on the song's first chorus before that. Both of her spoken monologues, where she merges Valley Girl affect with murderous menace, only sweeten the deal. [8]

Ryo Miyauchi: "Where's My Juul??" gets spiked with an infectious dose of adrenaline when it suddenly turns a lot more aggro than you'd expect from a meme-y cross-section of Rico Nasty's mosh-pop and PC Music's ironic bubblegum. The demented beat stings with a pungent metallic sourness, and while her Valley Girl accent scans as an obvious put-on, Lil Mariko's blood-curdling scream is legitimately hair-raising. The song rapidly combusts, ensuring the joke doesn't overstay its welcome. [7]

Joshua Lu: Yes, hearing the unassuming Lil Mariko scream and snarl over a missing Juul is intrinsically funny, especially accompanied by a music video that knows exactly how to push the limits of its concept. But the real strength of "Where's My Juul??" lies in its sheer relatability. The title could be anything -- where's my wallet, my phone, my eraser -- because anyone who has ever misplaced anything can relate to the escalating panic and rage in not only the cataclysmic vocals, but also Full Tac's discordant production. Also crucial to the song is its sense of plot, as it steadily progresses from confusion to blame to outright violence. The ending, though predictable (Lizzo used the exact same twist not that long ago), is a necessary denouement, as it provides the moment where everyone involved can look back on the last minute and a half of chaos and laugh. [8]

Iain Mew: As a song structure trick, I love the fake-out final verse, those ones that seem like something slowly developing before the artist brutally cuts it off for the chorus or instrumental to come back stronger than ever; the "Don't Speak" and "Your Best American Girl" kind of thing. The key moment of "Where's My Juul??" comes in taking that same trick to a ludicrous, brilliant extreme. It has a drawn-out, jittery verse, a cartoon scowl of a chorus, and then one question into verse two it veers straight into swearing, screaming and fucking everything up. That's perfect enough that it would ideally be even shorter than it ends up. [7]

Kylo Nocom: Full Tac and Lil Mariko do in less than two minutes what took Justice five. The gimmick is the least fun part, and judging by my sample size of BigKlit's "Liar" and Full Tac's very own "CHOP" the producers behind this might not even be as funny as this video would imply. But I've long settled with music that's good on the merits of just being fun; when the production here is layered with discordant guitar sampling, analog drum kits, and distant screams of "piss!" and "fuck," I'm willing to buy into the ugliness. [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: Full Tac returns with another take on "Liar," succeeding because the goofy conceit here finds an appropriately goofy (that is, unexpected) vocal performance. Part of the appeal is how "Where's My Juul??" could sit comfortably alongside songs from Rico Nasty and Rina Sawayama, but has the appeal of shoddy viral videos from yesteryear. It's that "Kombucha Girl"-type reaction it's striving to elicit, and it accomplishes that as soon as the screaming starts. The best detail, though, is the most subtle: the moment Lil Mariko stops herself from saying "who" and politely asks "have you seen it?" [7]

Michael Hong: Have you ever been dragged to a party only for your only friend to disappear, leaving you to mingle with a group of people you don't know? And one person makes a comment so absurd that you just giggle along with the rest of the group even though you're not really sure if they're layering their statement with even a hint of irony or if there's something much more unsettling lurking underneath? But the jokes are getting more and more uncomfortable and suddenly fewer people are laughing along, instead furtively glancing across each other with an exasperated look as if to say "is this person for real?" And instead of backing away, that person instead starts doubling down, getting more and more aggressive, screaming across the room for what feels like hours and surely people must be ready to head out. Instead, when you finally catch a moment to glance down at your phone, you find that only two minutes have elapsed since you arrived and you realize that not even a quarter of the time has passed before your ride will come and you can leave this godforsaken party. You have absolutely no choice but to continue standing in the group in discomfort, waiting for this moment that feels like an eternity to finally finish, with the only background noise being the stereos blaring what sounds like someone's first attempt at using GarageBand. [0]

Crystal Leww: While I was digging through "likes" on SoundCloud, I noticed that a friend of mine had liked "Baby Let Me Know" by Full Tac, which sounds like the synth heavy dreamy pop that was popular at the beginning of last decade. I did not stick around for "Where's My Juul??" so imagine my surprise today when I turned this on and it's umm, screaming. A consistent genre as an essential part of an up-and-coming artist's brand is less essential than ever, especially in an age where (waves hands) dance music has eaten itself alive in its swirling storm of troll energy. Chaos in and of itself is a brand -- from 100 gecs to Alice Longyu Gao's dueling sister tracks "Rich Bitch Juice"/"Dumb Bitch Juice" to any DJ Bus Replacement Service set, it has fully infiltrated dance music. How this goes from sweetly threatening to full-on psychotic and back to cutely apologetic is chaotic so yes, I think Full Tac could make some noise (both in creating a fanbase and also like literally) with this. [8]

[Read and comment on The Singles Jukebox]

[daveyjacobss]

puzzle pieces | davey jacobs

french vanilla part five

reader x davey jacobs

[ newsies modern au ]

summary: and isn’t it fascinating, the way we always used to fit together like pieces of a puzzle?

a/n: okay so like,,, this isn’t the best, but it’s still pretty good. also there’s like 0 davey content it’s all other people but also it’s quite long and necessary to the story. as always i hope you enjoy and come tell me what you liked about it?scream at me about it !! also i’m not writing something every day for inktober but i am going to try to do half of the month, so that means about 15 or 16 fics posted within this month. let’s hope i can do it !!

(french vanilla masterlist)

__________

Grocery shopping, in its own way, was quite calming. Y/N was letting herself relax as she strolled the aisles while pushing her shopping cart, all thoughts and problems set aside for the time being. She let the tension bleed out from her shoulders and allowed herself to buy the foods she saw that they didn't really need in the apartment, but looked too good to not grab. She grabbed some of her roommate's favorite cereal and even got a box of Alex's favorite type of pop tarts for the next time he came over.

She was looking at the coffee mugs on display and was considering buying one when she heard their voices. She froze in place. There was no possible way that this could have been happening, not with how tired and confused she already was. It had been so long, it was completely possible that she had maybe already been thinking about them and it wasn't even really their voices that she had heard. Perhaps she was just going insane in the middle of the grocery store. That was definitely the better option.

Still, when she glanced quickly to her left, there they were: arguing over which creamer to buy.

They looked so heart achingly familiar and perfectly ordinary that for a second she convinced herself that no time had passed and she could go up and say hello and they could laugh about running into each other while shopping for their groceries. The reality of the situation was certainly not as ideal. The reality of the situation was that Y/N quickly looked away, trying to hide herself. That is, of course, until she realized that the shelves they were bickering in front of were the exact shelves that contained her roommate's favorite creamer. Technically, she could have just kept walking and apologized to her roommate, Lexie, using the excuse of having forgotten. But she loved Lexie and Lexie was probably the sweetest person ever and Y/N would feel like shit if she didn't buy the creamer.

So, after some contemplating, she took a deep breath, kept her head down, and walked toward them.

__________

Spot sucked at cooking, and Race knew it. Race had always been the cook in their relationship. He wasn't the best with all types of foods, but he did pride himself on his amazing Italian cuisine. Race had always been a little offended, truthfully, by just how bad Spot was at anything that involved making food. And, even worse than his horrifying lack of knowledge when it came to making food, he couldn't even buy it. Spot had somehow managed to be the world's worst grocery shopper, meaning that anytime they needed food Race always had to be the one to go out and get it. Naturally, Race came up with a plan to bring Spot with him to the grocery store to somehow teach his boyfriend how to shop for food. He regretted his decision about two minutes in.

They were both too stubborn to be standing in front of the coffee creamers arguing about differences in price and quality. He wouldn't be surprised if there was an angry mob behind them just trying to get their creamer. Or maybe just bystanders watching them and enjoying the show. Race supposed it would be a bit amusing from an outsider's point of view. It really wasn't from his, though.

"I just don't see why we have to get the more expensive one!" Spot huffed for the millionth time.

"Because we don't like the cheaper one!" Race whisper shouted, trying his best not to cause a scene.

"But they're the same thing! They both say caramel macchiato!" Race couldn't believe the amount of times Spot had made him explain this already.

"Yes, but they don't taste the same and they're made differently. Plus, there's not even that big of a price difference." Race did his best to keep his voice low and calm, taking deep breaths. When he looked at Spot's face he was somewhat surprise and amused to see that his boyfriend was staring wide eyed in the direction of the shelves, his jaw hanging open. "What's the matter? Astounded because you're finally starting to understand how coffee creamers work?" Race joked. Spot didn't react, he barely even moved. Race furrowed his eyebrows, turning around with a confused look on his face.

He understood Spot's shocked state when, upon pivoting, he laid eyes on Y/N L/N reaching out for a container of hazelnut creamer.

His first thought was that she didn't even like hazelnut creamer. If she drank coffee it was only ever iced and it was always either mocha or french vanilla. In fact, he was pretty sure he had gotten her to try a sip of hazelnut coffee once and she had practically spit it out, her face contorting in disgust.

His second thought was that it had been over a year since he had seen her last and her hair was longer and her shirt looked new and she could very conceivably like a new type of coffee.

She looked sort of scared, keeping her head down while she grabbed the creamer, practically stumbling in her haste. He was sure he had never seen her look so anxious.

Something kept him from reaching out, from speaking. She had broken Davey's heart. Maybe. Well, they had all assumed she did with how crushed he was after she had left. But there had always been something in him that hadn't been able to believe she would ever hurt him like that. Besides, she hadn't just been Davey's girlfriend - she had been their friend. Race had loved her as much as he did all of his friends, and he missed her so much.

He was only brought out of his thoughtful state when Spot reached past him and grabbed her arm, forcing her to turn around. She looked at them with wide eyes, very obviously scared and shocked into silence. Spot, though, didn't seem to see a need for words. Instead, he pulled her into a hug.

__________

There was something about Spot hugging her that felt right. He was warm and his arms fit nicely around her, and she easily returned the embrace. It took all of her willpower not to just burrow her head into his neck and breakdown right there.

This was all too much. She had missed them so much.

She pulled away first, needing to remove herself from all contact for at least a second. She needed time to gather herself and work out what to say to them. She couldn't do this with no warning. She couldn't believe she had lived so long without them.

Spot seemed to sense that she was uncomfortable, taking a step back. She glanced to see Race staring at his boyfriend with a shocked look on his face. She couldn't help but laugh - a giggle that bubbled traitorously up in her throat and slipped past her lips in a burst of noise before she clapped her hand over her mouth.

Race's head turned quickly in her direction and Spot began to smile. Spot came forward and wrapped his arms around her again, lifting her up and spinning her around. She started to laugh wildly. Her troubles were fading from her mind, and everything felt a bit brighter suddenly.

Once her feet were planted steadily back on the ground again she looked at Spot, actually looked at him. He was eye level with her, unlike all their other friends, who had always been taller. She thought his skin might look a bit tanner, like he had spent the summer in the sun. His hair was messy and there were bags under his eyes, but he didn't look like he was too tired or disheveled. He was wearing his jean jacket and his favorite brown boots and he looked like he hadn't changed at all. She had missed him so damn much.

"You look brilliant," he breathed. "It's been so long."

"Too long," she corrected, still smiling. She heard Race take a deep breath from behind Spot and looked over at him. He did not seem as happy to see her.

In fact, seeing him reminded her of exactly why it had been so long since they had all seen each other. He was running his hand over his face and he looked tense and all she could think of was the way that he had called her ten times in a row that night and how she hadn't picked up a single one.

His freckles were splattered across his face and she could tell that he had spent the summer in the sun with Spot. The light in his eyes looked dimmer but they were still as blue as ever, his curly blonde hair sticking out in all directions. There was some sort of small stain on the sleeve of his olive green sweatshirt and his jeans were cuffed at his ankles. She had always thought that Race was beautiful, but, after everything, the sight of him just made her sad.

She tried not to imagine what he had looked like when he opened his door one day to find a box sitting outside, containing the key to his and Spot's apartment that they had given her as well as a stack of photographs that she had taken of them over the course of that almost-year they had known each other. She tried not to wonder if he had been angry or sad or confused. She tried not to imagine him picking up the phone and calling her over and over and over and over. She tried not to imagine his face as Davey explained that she had left.

She felt as if she might cry in the middle of the grocery store. Spot looked at his boyfriend warily. Race sighed, looking at them both with sad and tired eyes. He was holding something back, she could tell in the way that he hesitated before speaking.

"We should be going." His voice was quiet and reluctant. She felt her eyes burn as a sob started to form in the back of her throat.

"Right, yeah." She nodded, blinking ferociously. She slowly placed the bottle of hazelnut creamer in her shopping cart, taking a deep breath and preparing herself to walk away.

__________

She was walking away and Spot was glaring at him and his heart was breaking in his chest and he didn't know what he could say but he knew that he didn't actually want her to leave.

"You don't like hazelnut," he blurted out. She turned around with a confused look on her face, tilting her head at him. He gestured at the creamer in her cart. "You never used to like hazelnut."

"Oh," she looked down, sounding disappointed somehow. "Yeah, it's for my roommate. She loves it."

"That makes sense," he nodded. Spot looked between them like they were aliens. Race had taken part in many uncomfortable and awkward conversations in his life, but this was certainly one of the worst. He missed when the conversation used to flow easily between them. He missed her.

"Yeah. Well, I'll be going, I guess." Her words came out slow and unsure, her eyes trained on the ground.

"We could all go out together," Spot spoke up. Both of them looked at him in surprise. "We could get lunch or dinner, or even breakfast. You know, just hang out." There was a pause where they all just stared at each other.

"Like we used to." Y/N's voice was soft but hopeful. Race thought of Davey, holed away in his apartment for weeks after she had left. He thought of the box he had found sitting on the doorstep of his and Spot's apartment, thought of the way he had hung all the pictures on the wall like pieces of a puzzle and then just stared at them, feeling empty. They had lost her, but eventually he had made peace with it. And now she was standing right in front of him.

"Yeah, like we used to," he found himself saying as a small smile curved his lips upwards.

__________

Spot found trusting people hard. After the life that he had lead it made sense. He had spent his childhood either running from his abusive mother or being passed around in foster homes after she had drank herself to death. He learned to be wary of others learned to put on a cold demeanor. Even if he showed signs of playfulness, he had mastered appearing as unapproachable. He had learned the hard way to hide his emotions and toughen himself up, refusing to get attached to people out of fear of losing them.

Race had been the first person in a long time to start to crack his hard and cold facade. Spot had been friends with Jack before he had met Race, sure, but not close friends, and certainly not the kind that openly expressed affection for each other - no matter how much Spot worried when Jack showed up with a bloodied nose and a black eye. But it had been Race, with his infuriating smirk and his easy jokes and his causal touches, that had started to bring Spot out of his shell.

When Y/N came into their lives he was still learning, still getting used to having people who really cared about him. He was still working on not flinching whenever someone put their hand on his shoulder, still trying to work out how to express to Race that he loved him.

The first time that he had properly met Y/N he had showed up to Jack and Davey's apartment fresh out of a fight, trying not to drip blood on the carpeted floor of the hallway. Davey had been the one to open the door, eyes going wide as he pulled Spot into the apartment. Y/N, comfortably situated on the couch with Tangled paused on the TV, had turned her head at the commotion, gasping at the sight of him. Jack hadn't been home, but Y/N had been quick to drag him into the bathroom and raid the cupboard for first aid supplies. She had cleaned and bandaged his wounds gently, talking with him the entire time to distract him from the pain.

Y/N had been the quickest person to ever get past his walls, even getting him to laugh while she cleaned his knuckles. She had made him sit with her and Davey and watch Tangled while they waited for Race to come and get him. Spot could never forget the way she had fussed over him and done her best to make him feel as comfortable and safe as a possible.

She had been the one he had gone to when he had made up his mind that he didn't want to just be Race's friend. She had been the first one he texted after he and Race had started dating. And then she had left, and all he had in her place was a key, a wall of pictures, and memories that kept him awake.

Neither of them would ever tell, but Race had held Spot while he cried for many nights after she had taken off. Spot missed her so damn much. And she was right there, in the grocery store of all places. He couldn't help but hug her, couldn't help the instinct of making her laugh. He couldn't hold himself back from suggesting going out all together, because he knew that Race, as much as he was trying to be strong and pretend otherwise for everyone's sake, missed Y/N L/N more than anything.

He beamed when they both agreed, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend and leaning into him.

"We'll text you, okay?" He asked. Y/N nodded, biting her lip in an attempt to hide a smile that Spot could still see. She waved and then turned around and began to push her cart in the direction of the cash registers. Spot turned back to Race, taking in the joyful but cautious expression on his face.

"Now, why can't we buy the cheaper one?"

"For fuck's sake."

__________

Crutchie was starting to get a bit worried when it had been hours since he had texted his project partner and she had yet to respond. He liked to meet new people, but he sort of hated his professor for not letting them choose their own partners. He would have much rather partnered with Finch, who was also in his class, than some random girl he didn't know.

And now she wasn't answering her phone. Great.

He sighed and gave in, unlocking his phone with the intent of sending another text. When he clicked on the conversation he reread his first one: hey y/n! this is charles. what day would work for you to meet up and work on the project?

He had already typed out his follow up text when he glanced at the contact name in a last attempt to make sure he was texting the right person. Only then did he feel the panic settle in. That was definitely not his partner's phone number.

He frantically typed out another text, his heartbeat quickening in his chest. This could not be happening. He was mortified. Terrified. And, just maybe, a little bit hopeful.

________

It was after Y/N had put away all the newly bought groceries and taken some time to reflect on what had just happened to her in the coffee aisle when her phone vibrated. She unlocked it without thinking, tapping on the unread conversation. It was Crutchie.

The first text made no sense, asking her to meet up to work on a project. She didn't have any classes with Crutchie and she certainly wasn't working with him on any projects. She furrowed her eyebrows as she kept reading. The second text clarified the situation a bit.

oh my god, i am sorry! my partner's name is also y/n and when i typed it in i just clicked the first contact to come up without thinking. sorry to bother you!

She felt herself smile. Maybe she could use this. Maybe, in addition to Davey and Spot and Race, she could get Crutchie back too.

it's fine! not gonna lie, i was very confused lol. hope you get through to this other y/n.

i feel bad bc i was getting mad that she wasn't answering, and it turns out i never even texted her in the first place. imagine being this big of an idiot.

i don't have to imagine dude. i'm as idiotic as they come.

you said it, not me.

hey!

kidding!

She paused, not knowing what else to say. But he had already started typing again, and his next message came through in a second.

how have you been?

pretty good. you?

fairly well myself. though i am in need of your coffee.

oh?

i am dead tired from all my assignments and you make it like no one else.

aw i'm flattered. i can totally make you coffee when we meet up to work on the project we were partnered for.

okay you know what i did not ask for this attack

i mean you kinda did

how about you make coffee the next time you come over?

and when would that be?

if you showed up at any point this week i would not be opposed

friday? i can make coffee and i'll even bring banana bread

yes please

She could not believe what had just happened. She had met up with Davey, agreed to hang out with Spot and Race sometime soon, and made plans to go to Crutchie's all in one day. Everything felt right for once. Everything felt amazing.

It was funny, she supposed. It was like riding a bike, or singing along to an old favorite song. A sense of familiarity and ease overcame her. How strange, the way that puzzle pieces could only ever fit together. She had been a lost puzzle piece for far too long.

_________

Crutchie smiled as he put his phone down. A part of him felt guilty, like he was betraying Davey somehow. Another part was kind of scared that Jack would literally fight him on Davey's behalf if he found out.

But what they didn't know wouldn't kill them. And he missed his friend.

__________

tag list: @isarants @tomanybandstolove @seriously-ceci @bens-platt @earlyjunes @broadway-trashh @interwebseriesfan24 @returnoftheborle @cozykleinman @timesarehardfornewsies @jackclyde @last-an-eon @annabethgranger123 @musi-xals @notyouraveragegryffindoor @magic-made-by-melody @i-also-miss-our-talks

@linfuckingmirandaaa @shatteringinprogress @storytellersun @psych-stereo @books-cats-sprinkles @me-andthe-sky @connor-is-my-sunshine @merediths2003 @papesfordavey @larryisinfactnotstraight @casifer-is-cute @gem-evieve @actually-lizzy @broadwayobsessedteen @majo16199 @sarkitsm @suffering-bi @tommy-braccoli @starryrevelations @woolfhrd @thesleepingandthedead @cruelnatalie @bencookisagod

[writingwordsanddrawingpictures]

The Girls, Girls, Girls Tag

Guide: answer these seven Qs in the voice of your female character(s), and then tag somebody!

So, I was tagged in this by the wonderful @cawolters (and if you’re not following her already, why not and go check her out!) and thought I’d complete this for one of my characters from More Questions Than Answers. There might be some spoilers in here, but as MQTA is still at the draft 0 / 1 stage so there might be a lot of changes before it’s finished!

Meet Kat.

Who was your mother and what did she teach you?

My mother was...well, I *think* she was Isobella Genevieve D’Antonio. At least, that’s the name I’ve found, and her picture looks familiar.

I can remember my mother helping me to refine my art, and also - as an odd mix - some psychology including how to read people and some forensic psychology. I think she thought it would keep me safe...*sigh*

Do you have any sisters (related or not)?

I think so... I remember one and I can see her face, but I can’t remember her name or hear her voice in any memories I have of her. I need to find her, especially if she’s in as much trouble as I am.

I also have a found sister in Erin Winter. She’s whip-smart, fiercely loyal, resourceful and, I think, very much in love with Carter - not that he can see it.

How has your gender shaped your path in life?

I’ve seen both sides - my mother came from money, so we could afford whatever we needed. When I had to work after my parents died, I had to prove I was worth far more than my male counterparts - well, the police isn’t an easy job. After that, proving myself as a female PI has been...challenging. Starting out was hard, but now I have a reputation that evens the playing field.

What does the woman you admire look like? Who is she?

Olive-skinned, deep brown kind eyes, long black hair, a ready smile...  Yes, my mother - I just wish I could remember her properly. I have the images, but can't remember her voice.

Someone I can remember properly and admire is the 6 foot brunette, brown eyed goddess of a woman I’ve been getting to know recently. *sigh* Erin... How the hell are you mixed up in this?

Why do you think women are considered the gentler sex?

*laughs* Ah, there are some deluded people around. What more can I say.

What is a piece of your personality that you are proud of?

Determination. I’m remembering things now, but I still have gaps on a lot of critical things. I’m not going to rest until I get answers about exactly who I am and what’s happened to my family.

When did you accept your own body and its strengths/weaknesses?

Almost dying does make you accept your weaknesses, and recovering from horrific injuries lets you see the buried strength and determination you never knew you had.

Hopefully this makes some sense as I’ve written it with a bit of brain fog. Kat’s been a long-standing OC, so I’ve got most of an idea about her. It's been interesting filling in a couple of blanks about her.

I’ll tag: @kira-desomma, @elaynab-writing, @adie-dee, @goddessofnothingatall, @crowswritetoo, @aeschknight, @themerrywriter, @roselinproductions, @pens-swords-stuff

If you’ve already done it or don’t want to, don’t worry about it.

[coyotebombsquad]

Bikepacking down the California Coast

Words and photos by C.J. Foster

Prologue:

Last April, I was transitioning between jobs and scored nearly two weeks off; enough time to throw together an adventure -- something that would offer a moment to reflect, reset, and prepare for the road ahead.

I set out for the California coast. I rented a car and drove to Crescent City (20 miles shy of Oregon). This is where I would begin my real journey -- pedaling home to San Francisco -- a grand total of 420 miles and 32K of elevation, after all was said and done.

Leaving behind the city, I began to feel a quiet peace settle upon me. It was the sense that a chapter had ended and a new one was beginning. There were big changes to ruminate on, something that journeying through forests helps coax along, but still I was eager, anxious, and nervous about taking on a solo trip of this magnitude.

Day 0 (SF to Crescent City -- 355mi + 100 bonus miles due to rerouting )

Heavy rain was in the forecast; just what California needed to replenish our depleted water table and reservoirs. More roads were washed out with each downpour, serving a deterrent for this bike packing trip. Despite poor conditions, I retrieved my rental car, picked up some last minute provisions, and impulsively purchased a quality point and shoot while on a lunch pitstop at In N Out -- this wouldn’t be a road trip without it.

I crossed my fingers that the rain wouldn’t be too bad or last too long.

While on the road, worst case scenarios played out in my mind and doubts churned in my head. Questions about my fitness levels, on-the-fly bike maintenance, and my safety all nagged at me. I have taken numerous solo trips before, but I was still greeted by familiar doubts. I warded off these old friends and pushed the accelerator, willing this trip into fruition.

A landslide had occurred the night before just North of Leggett, which closed highway 1 (just North of where 101 merged with 1). I thought I could outsmart the landslide and the CHP by taking a route that I found on my phone, but the locals and tow trucks dissuaded me. There were potholes that my rental car wouldn’t negotiate successfully. A CHP officer suggested that I drive back to highway 20 and cutover to highway 5 and back on highway 36 -- an extra 7-8 hours of driving to get around one landslide. I was highly motivated to find an alternate route and was successful! There are some windy gravel mountain roads that cut through Covolo to Zenia off highway 162. They were sketchy, pocked with potholes, and many blind corners had cattle hanging around them. Nearly 4 hours and 135 miles later, I was dropped back onto 101. Just in time for a wild downpour to obscure my visibility nearly entirely for the last two hours of my drive. As the wipers whipped away, there were a few moments that I questioned if I should abort the trip and go find a B&B somewhere to lounge around and take it easy. Where’s the adventure in that though?

I made it to Crescent City after numerous bursts of sketchy downpours and 11 hours of driving. At a cheap hotel, I took the last hot shower that I’d have in several days and drank an IPA to settle all my nerves from the drive.

Day 1 (Crescent City to Clam Beach) -- 75mi/4.2k ft

https://www.strava.com/activities/948298792

When you roll out of bed and see your bike next to you, you know it’s going to be a good day. The storm had ended (for now). I returned the car at the world’s tiniest commercial airport after running a few last minute errands (patch kit and lighter are crucial). A polite and professional looking middle aged woman in a knee high skirt helped check the car back in. As I went to check the mileage a man with a mangled undercarriage came driving back up with a dumbfounded expression -- the cowling of the car was dragging on the ground, making an infernal noise. The rental car woman casually walked back in to grab a pair of tin snips. When she returned, she squatted down and removed the offending piece, then informed the man that he was all set. What service!

From there, I was free, off on my two wheels, fully supported. The day was sunny, dry, and a bit windy, but still gorgeous. The road felt solid under my self-propelled vehicle; my legs marginally ready for the physical challenges ahead. The cliffs along the ocean fell away like they had been cleaved by the great Paul Bunyan himself. The ocean would be my comfort, my well of motivation for the next several hundred miles.

The miles of coastline stretched endlessly in front of me. I rolled along undulating roads that led to tiny coastal towns; nearly forgotten, yet timeless. The forest stood sentry over the towns, over the coast, and over me.  

Several hours of headwinds and roughly 40 miles in, I stopped in Klamath Falls to admire the 40 ft tall Paul Bunyan and Babe the Big Blue Ox. It dwarfed me and my bike. My hunger had built, so I indulged in a plate full of chili fries and a sandwich at a nearby cafe in False Klamath; got to love being a cyclist, you can eat anything and it’s all considered fuel for the next ride. I had been cruising at 13 MPH, slow and steady, and this would be pretty much the fixed speed that I’d be moving at most of the trip.

After lunch, there were a few decent climbs: one up to Prairie Creek Redwoods and another out towards the stunning Patricks Point. A few lagoons loomed in the distance, they distracted me well enough for about 10 miles as I rounded my way to the campground.

I landed in Clam Beach State Campground after deciding to press on passed Patricks Point (my original stopping point for the day). The tent was a small project, as it was my first time pitching this new 1p tent, which proved to be a trivial task. The hunger was driving me to skip the backpacking meal and opt for some pizza at a local joint in McKinleyville. The kids working did not care if I brown-bagged it while eating a few slices in their store -- likely not their first dirtbag cyclist. Four slices and a 22oz of IPA prepped me pretty well for passing out. There was a slow ambling pedal along the airport road that led me back to camp. A few small planes landed during the sunset and I soaked in how light everything felt, nothing was tugging at me or compelling me to do or be anywhere, I was exactly where I needed to be.

Day 2 - Clam Beach Campground to A.W. Way County Park (Mattole Road) -- 75mi/5k ft

https://www.strava.com/activities/949287569 https://www.strava.com/activities/950851373

The first light of the morning woke me and I felt rested. I wanted to get an early start on the morning since rain was in the forecast, but not until afternoon. I planned on covering a fair amount of ground before the rain came (hah). As I packed up, my camp neighbors warmly offered me a cup of coffee, they lived locally and told me they were getting ready for work -- made me reminisce about camping up at Hawk Camp back home during a work night. The kindness of strangers would be a recurring theme during my trip.

Breakfast was eaten on the bike; the convenience of a breakfast burrito and a chocolate milk on the road. It conjures up an image of a train engineer shoveling coal into his engine to keep it chugging along. The morning was beautiful, I mostly pedaled by coastal farmlands and a smattering of small towns. The headwinds were ever-present, but I felt strong nonetheless. I caught up to another cyclist in Eureka who looked like he was out bikepacking with his loaded panniers, I excitedly asked him where he was off to. He was commuting to work and wasn’t on much of a journey. I wouldn’t encounter another cyclist until my last days of riding.

The farm roads gracefully lead me to Ferndale (my halfway point for the day) where I loaded up on provisions. While visiting a grocery store, I absentmindedly left my sunglasses on a rack and left for a pastry and coffee (I retrieved them). A local who had been in the store had noticed me down the street and flatly observed “you didn’t make it very far” when he saw me in front of the bakery. I’ll call that small town humor.

The climb out of Ferndale was absolutely brutal. It felt like hitting a vertical wall and only the powers of levitation would be able to lift me up the ridgeline that I was attempting. I was desperate to move quickly, but humbled by the aggressive grade and the howling winds at the top of the climb. The threat of rain was no longer merely a threat, I donned my rain gear quickly and prayed that I’d stay dry and cool enough to finish out the next 30 miles. From Ferndale, I covered about 4.2k ft in 35 miles. Brutal with packs, brutal without them.

Needle like rain stung my face for over an hour, my amusement during this section quickly changed. A sketchy winding descent led into Capetown, where I lost one of my water bottles and I narrowly missed being crushed under a dump truck’s wheels. The trucker that was just a tad too comfortable with the roads and cyclists on them.

Following the descent into a cove, a local in a green Tacoma stopped ahead of me and dangled a construction high-visibility vest out of his truck window and stated “dude, you need this!” His name was Oliver, and again, strangers with endless kindness had been looking out for me with safety and hydration (Oliver gave me a water bottle to replace mine, it was even alkaline, for sensitive stomachs). My flickering flame was ablaze for the adventurous path again.

A few miles ahead there was the town of Petrolia with a little gem of a bar called White Rose. I saddled up at the bar to wait out the storm. A beer would revive my sense of humor and the locals were entertained by my very presence. Who bikepacks in the rain, they asked? A few randos contributed to a hot shower fund in their own amusement since AW Way Campground had a coin-op hot shower. The kindness of strangers also contributed another gift from Humboldt county too, a special little doobie hand rolled under the bar. Despite the fact that it had only been two days of pedaling, I felt the beginnings of loneliness assuaged by strangers. I was striving to stay open to any experience along this road.

The campsite was a few flat miles from The Rose (as the locals referred to it), I even turned down several ride offers, told them that this was my journey to power. The campground boasted 30 soggy sites, they were all empty, so I had my choice. The hot shower was restorative, a bit of magic for a renewal that I would need for tomorrow.

Day 3 (AW Way Campground to Wright Beach 76mi/10.3k ft via Usal Road)

https://www.strava.com/activities/950851391 https://www.strava.com/activities/951928834

There’s always an odd sense of waking up in a campground without anyone else around; it’s a bit eerie, but also deeply peaceful. Rested, I packed up and hit the road, noticing a new lovely creaking noise my bottom bracket had developed due to all of the rain.

The plan was to take Mattole Road and connect to Usal road despite most people informing me that Usal road was still closed, but I felt that I didn’t have much of a choice since the reroute due to all the highway road closures would climb up and over Garberville and add an extra 70-80 miles (I had no idea how much climbing it would add). The folks from the White Rose had informed me that the Bryceland Market would be a good place to stop for food and road intel.

Still groggy with sleep encrusted eyes, I rounded a bend, and from the shoulder of the road a blur of black streaked ahead and veered into the center of the road and turned around to face me. It was a bull, of sizable proportions! He pawed at the ground as if to feign a charge. This frightened me, but I took comfort in the fact he didn’t have horns, nor did he have testicles (minor thing noted when he ran ahead of me), but I was leery of this 1500lb bulldozer and hoping he wasn’t too aggressive. I stopped about 50 yards away from him, facing him down like it was a standoff (it felt like a David and Goliath faceoff). I first yelled at him, then rang my bell, tossed small rocks in his direction to get him to move out of the road. He wasn’t budging. Then I thought to channel my inner cowboy spirit, and boldly rode towards him, yelling at the top of my lungs “GO ON, GEEEIIT!!”. This magically compelled him to turnaround and he trotted in the direction that I was rolling in. My inner childhood cowboy was giddy and terrified all at the same time. Such power I yielded. The bull veered off the side of the road before we got to a cattle catcher and I was free from my escort/keeper. I pedaled off to safety, and continued binging on serial killer podcasts, such a odd choice for a sojourn on desolate mountain roads.

Honeydew was a good restocking point where I pounded yogurt like it was water. They had a map of the area and informed me that Usal road was still closed, but I should check in with the BLM office in King’s Range. Just outside of Honeydew, there is a massive climb that aggressively stretches up to King Peak. It humbled me. I stopped several times to give my knees a break and to lube my chain. At one mini pitstop, a local named Grant stopped to check in on me, and I informed him that I was ok, and instead of speeding off to his day, he casually chatted with me for a few minutes. I inquired about Usal road, but he didn’t know much about its current state. The next several hours were a virtual elevator of careening ridgelines, towering forests, washed out roads, and serial killer podcasts.

Dropping into Thorn Junction, I crossed paths with Grant again, he was hauling a load in his truck, and chatted with me briefly and offered up an apple juice. I was thankful for the offer, and took him up on it. Each drop was refreshing, the kindness of strangers continued.

The BLM office was down the road another mile. There was one woman with a colleague there, they both heavily advised me not to take Usal, not that it was a fool's errand, but pretty close, saying that I needed a mountain bike or something beefier than my cross bike (on semi slick 32s). They weren’t exactly too far off, but I decided Usal was my best option, considering my current location and what I could physically tolerate (at this point I was 40 miles in and nearly 5k ft climbing).

There was a awkwardly situated cafe in a lumberyard called Caffe Dolce. Their pastries and sandwiches were exceptional. Both the fuel and the rest were a much needed respite. I was surprised at how busy the cafe was. There was a constant stream of people coming out to pick up a sandwich, I surmised that they were all potentially pickers at some of the farms in Humboldt county. I overheard an Aussie gal talk about going back to the farm.

Back on the bike, there was a smell of dank herbal piney resins wafting at me, I was definitely in Humboldt county. To punctuate that point, I was nearly at Usal road, pedaling along fern laden roadways, when a women walking along the road was most certainly on a different plane than I was. She stated everything is beautiful and asked me for a hug, which I complied and listened to her delve into hyper connected beauty and how we’re all one. I was grasping for an understanding of what all she was conveying to me. I pointed her the way that she should continue walking, and hoped that somebody would return her to wherever she had come from. Bizarre.

Usal’s beginning was a formidable muddy clay-like road, deeply rutted and pocked. The mouth of the whale that would swallow me up and eventually spit me out some ~30 miles and 4k ft climbing later onto highway 1. I ignored the closed gate and passed by. There were rollers that climbed and descended into expansive groves, with each descent typically requiring me to dodge pond-like flooded sections of the road. At least 3 cars were abandoned, a Honda Civic had no chance, the two trucks, despite having 4 wheel drive, succumbed to the relentless muck.

I pushed on. I was grinding away at 6-7MPH for the next 6 hours. I had to dig deep and find humor in the pain and to not let all the beauty wane. My nerves were starting to wear and my body was feeling tired of endlessly riding the brakes and carefully choosing my line, which was even harder with a load. The risk was high since both ends of Usal road were closed and I didn’t have any phone reception. A single mechanical issue could ruin the trip, a fall was a different story… actually, I laid the bike down on one slick descent and took a tumble. I was incredibly thankful -- no mechanicals or injuries.

After a few more hours of rocking out (fittingly enough to If These Trees Could Talk) and noting the descending sun, worry began to set in. I wondered if I’d ever get through this seemingly endless road. My strength was waning, but mentally, I was committed to getting through this. After rounding one of the innumerable bends, Usal beach revealed all its glory, just in time for the sunset. This helped to steady my nerves, as I knew there should be a camp nearby. Indeed there was a camp at Usal Beach, but I was pumped and ready to bid this road farewell, so I cranked on into the night. I climbed another 2k feet and rode another 16 miles in the dark. Thankfully, I had my headlight that was charged, but unfortunately, my taillight died on me. There were just a few cars that passed me (it was 9pm on a Thur night with a highway closed just North of me, hence why I decided to commit to Usal route).

Haggard and nearly broken, I arrived at Westport-Union Campground. I had been on my bike for nearly 15 hours that day. The campsite was on a bluff, the chill winds were refreshing, and helped to cool my nerves. What a day.

Day 4 Westport-Union Landing to Russian Gulch (28mi/1.5k ft)

https://www.strava.com/activities/951928593 https://www.strava.com/activities/953575322

There’s a smile that creeps across your face knowing that you accomplished something that most people wouldn’t dare to attempt, it’s not like I rode a 24 hour endurance race, but it still something to take some level of pride in the accomplishment. As the sun crept up and the ocean sang it’s morning chorus, I couldn’t help but reflect on the tough day; my body was spent. Thankfully, there was a short road to a recovery day, as I was meeting the rest of the Coyote Bomb Squad in Russian Gulch for two chill nights of camping.

I pedaled through Westport, a quirky little coastal town (more like a hamlet), with a tiny cemetery situated on the bluffs and some funky whale mosaic fountain. I savored my breakfast sandwich from a small market run by sweet earthy ladies and then slowly rolled towards Fort Bragg. Coming into Fort Bragg, I stopped in the local coffee shop before hitting the local bike shop, Fort Bragg Cyclery, and chatted with the owner, Mark. Later, I picked up some Teknu since I had managed to hit some poison oak on Usal road. After scarfing on the best pizza in town, Piaci Pizza, and sharing a surprise beer with Mark (bike shop owner), I cruised off to the campsite to meet up with my friends.

Several days on the road riding solo can be a great time for self-reflection and really stoke the fires of your inner hobo, but there are those moments when you’re inundated with gratitude for good friends and their adventurous spirits. I was happy I didn’t have to ride any further and more importantly, elated to be around the warmth of friends and the warmth of my first campfire of the trip. The sunset on the bluffs was of epic proportions.

Day 5 Russian Gulch Exploring, Canoeing, and Hardcore Chilling

Nothing is sweeter than sleeping in and waking up to the smell of hot buttermilk blueberry pancakes cooked on cast iron. Resting, chowing, and some mellow canoeing was on the agenda for the day. We gawked at the ultra-marathoners running through our camp; a funky route, and oddly enough, the canoeing location was the finish line.

Catch a Canoe and Bicycle Too was a quirky shop filled with collectors bikes suspended in the rafters, a series of beautifully crafted “toy” rockets, which looked like they could deliver at least a marmot to outer space, all run and owned by an idiosyncratic shopkeeper. He seemed half-wizard, half rocket scientist, and likely was the most intriguing person that I had encountered while on the trip. His knowledge of photography and rockets was astounding, and he ran a bike shop and a canoe rental business too. And these weren’t just any canoes, these were real works of functional art, just like one would imagine with a beautifully crafted bike, these were easily the most beautiful water-worthy canoes I had ever seen, not to mention the fastest; replete with outriggers for stability. I can’t recommend this experience enough; anyone can manage to enjoy a languid paddle up a gentle river in one of these. On the river, there’s a calm that’s induced that coaxes one to slow down to drink in all the fresh air and sights. Even a handful of seals with pups laid around without a care in the world. A few hours worth of this and it’s like hitting reset on your body. Just mellow; nowhere to be, but right where you are.

The remainder of the day was just chilling with friends, scarfing yet another burrito, and roaming around the bluffs followed by an epic paella cooked by the birthday boy himself, Youngblade.

Day 6 Russian Gulch to Bodega Bay (102mi/6.5k ft)

https://www.strava.com/activities/955648904

These are the types of days that most riders dream about: a good deal of rest, a pancake breakfast, and an epic tailwind that would leave most vikings envious. Despite the fact that the option to hop in a car was there, I opted to pedal the remaining miles back home in 2 days. This might have been one of my favorite days of riding. The hills were fast rolling, each corner plunged down toward the ocean and climbed back up along a coastal bluff. The farmlands added to the serene and bucolic views that elicited a smile. Such a beautiful coastline, such a simple life that calls you to standstill, reflect on a slower pace of nature and the simplicity of it.

Each descent propelled me closer to home and I began to squirm a little thinking about joining the fray again. I pushed on.

Point Arena is a small town that boasts having one of the oldest lighthouses on the coast. It’s a cute and quaint little pitstop close enough for a number of motorcycle riders to reach it from the Bay. A weird sight: hippy/coastal/biker community. California is filled with contradictory juxtapositions, but that’s one of the reasons I love this state. After a solid lunch, I caught up to a crew of riders bikepacking, the only legit riders I had seen! The trio were Canadians heading down from, well, Canada and going down to LA. I was impressed with the amount of beer they were loaded with and sad to turn them down to join them. I had hoped to finally exchange some road stories with fellow riders. There was a brief stop at Salt Point with them, but I felt great from that luscious tailwind, even after 75 miles, and decided to push on to Bodega Bay, about 30 miles down the road.

I rolled into Bodega Bay around 6pm and treated myself to a quality glass of wine and a massive fillet of halibut. So perfect, so nourishing. The campsite at the dunes was a windy one, and made it challenging to sleep despite wearing earplugs. No wonder it’s a favorite spot of windsurfers. Some peculiar dreams crept in that night. Maybe the corporate lifestyle or the dread of the routine that was right around the corner.

Day 7 (Bodega Bay to Larkspur to SF 65mi/3k ft)

https://www.strava.com/activities/956749405

The morning dew hung tightly to everything in sight, it limited my vision, and would eventually morph into a full rain. Undeterred, I knew a hot bath and a cold beer was at the end of my road, but first, I needed a solid breakfast. Estero Cafe delivered. Seated just outside of Marshall, it’s a quaint little organic farm to table type of place, but felt more like a cafe that you might encounter in anytown USA with the local sheriff stopping in and a few regulars just picking up their morning joe. The mist had built up to a sprinkle after I finished my last bite, so it would be a drizzly ride home. Another 60 miles of meandering through dairy farmlands and verdant hills. A  host of classic porsches from the 50s zipped along the same roads, they respected me and I certainly marveled at their classic contours.

Fairfax is always a favorite destination of mine, as many bikers can attest. There is a shared love for bikes in this upper-crust hippy town (seemingly contradictory). Gestalt was on my mind, after collecting rain in my shoes for the last 50 miles, I was ready for a beer and a sausage. Both were savored. I felt lonely and wanted to share my journey with someone like I had done the previous year after a longer tour, but nobody extended me the pleasantries. A tired and weariness settled in from the week of riding, yet there was a lingering satisfaction from knowing what I had accomplished.

I opted to take the ferry back to save a few miles and to soak up the bay and the bridge from a different perspective. The quiet Monday afternoon in the city made it feel like a distant stranger, as the streets were quiet. The city towered over the mouse in a familiar concrete cornfield. It felt good to be home; an appropriate way to close out one chapter and start a new one. The cycle continues, as does the adventure, it always will.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #170

this one’s a few days old and am just getting to posting it. don’t feel like rereading to change some old answers tho.

Do you tell your best friend everything? What might you omit? If she asked about a subject, I'd tell her. I wouldn't just be like "hey here's a little factoid I don't like talking about." Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yes. In your current or most recent romantic relationship, do/did you feel as though one of you settled? Not at all. What did your ex (or one of your exes) consider to be a dealbreaker in you? My depression. What seemingly small change have you made to improve your life this year? More drive to be an adult. Make the decision to try as hard as mentally possible to be more open about myself and not so scared of being found as "too weird." Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness or substance abuse? Don't get me started on the first. I only know of my dad being a recovered alcoholic. What is the biggest gap in your employment history? How did/will you explain it to future employers? 0-19ish. Wasn't in the mental state to. Is there any part of your sexual/romantic history that you have not told your current significant other about or that you will not tell future partners about? She knows a lot. There's just one thing I'm not comfortable talking about yet. There's nothing I absolutely won't tell at any point - if you're in a serious relationship, they have the right to know. Has anyone ever tried to change your mind about something very personal, such as religion or wanting children? Children, yes. Colleen especially was convinced I was going to change my mind to an annoying degree. People have pushed me being a vet a whole lot, too. Do you ever hear about old school friends? Where are you high school friends now? Well, through FB. Most have stable jobs, some are extremely intelligent students headed towards amazing careers, some are parents. Most fell off the face of the earth. What is the most fun you can remember ever having under the influence? Cards Against Humanity. Has your Facebook relationship status ever been set to 'it’s complicated’? Why? Nooooo, and I seriously wish that option didn't even exist. Drama bait, whether intentional or not. What is the most beautiful/interesting name that you’ve ever personally known someone to have? Alon. Have you ever developed feelings for someone whose sexual orientation was incompatible with yours? Yes. How many relationships have you been in that actually got sexual? One. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost? Me?????????????? At a party?????????????????????? What is your strongest sense? Maybe you don't count this because it's not a "real" sense, but I would say I have an incredibly strong "sixth sense" of just knowing when something is wrong, even with people I don't know well. I pick up bad emotions easily. But if you're just talking sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell, I suppose smell? Or taste. Could be why I'm so picky. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child? There is NO telling. I believed some wild shit. HAHAHA OH MY GOD WAIT NO I BELIEVED I HAD "ANIMAL POWERS" UNTIL THE END OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Like, I could go into a "mode" where I had capabilities like those in certain animals, like with kangaroo powers, I could jump higher. God that was so embarrassing to write jfc what the fuck was I on. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know? Mom. She gives food, water, and sometimes money to homeless people she trusts as actually being without a home. There are two or three people she's actually "friends" with. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on? A V O I D What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will? I make situations awkward. Just social anxiety in general. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone? Okay, so I don't think I believe in angels, and I'm 99% sure this was a dream by now. But once as a little kid, I have a *very* strong memory of getting out of bed and going outside because I felt I needed to see something, and two swans came to the porch, turning into my grampa and favorite cat that had died. Then I went back inside, and that's all I remember. Still to this day that shit didn't feel like a dream, but. It probably was. What do you think about more than anything else? The future. What’s your all-time favorite town or city? Why? I dunno. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be? The friendship with Megan. Do you Skype? With Sara. Have you ever called anyone ‘bro’ other than your actual brother? I'll call p much anyone that. Have you ever blocked someone on MySpace before? Maybe? What is the best kind of pizza in your opinion? Pan meat lovers omfg. Stick with jalapeno tho with trying to at least lean towards vegetarianism. Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? Eh... I think I've forgiven him. Do you scream at scary parts in a horror flick? No. What is your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? No. Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. How do you feel about weed? I'm totally for it medicinally. Helps with too many things. Otherwise, for reasons I've said in many old surveys, I don't believe it should be smoked. We already complain enough about cigarettes and lung cancer. How many people have you kissed that you weren’t dating? None. Who was the last person that ditched you? How did you react? Mini, I guess. Was hurt as fuck for years until I recently confronted her, and we're cool now. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt is like... my only male friend besides Dad. What size are the pants you’re wearing? Large, probably? Were you a fan of Michael Jackson before he died? I went neither way. Liked some songs, didn't like some, no opinion on others. Can you spot constellations in the night sky? Only the Big or Little Dipper. I dunno the difference. What kind of shampoo did you last use? I dunno exactly. Mom just put some in a smaller, nameless bottle for while I'm at Sara's. It's probably Suave, though. If you had a hippie bus, what would it look like? Gimme all the peace signs and trippy patterns. Have you ever hitchhiked? No. Would you rather hike a mountain or explore a cave? EXPLORE A CAVE BITCH Would you rather wear a flower crown or veil? For my wedding, probably a veil. I can't see a flower crown going with a (probably) black dress lmao. Do you go barefoot often? I'm always barefoot in the house, but outside, I always have shoes. What is your favorite thing to get high off of? N/A What type of tattoo do you want? Most of the ones I want hold personal meaning. There's few I want to get for solely aesthetic purposes. What is your favorite insect? Butterflies. Favorite constellation? *shrug* Beach wedding, forest wedding, or English countryside wedding? Forest! Does pineapple belong on pizza? NO. Do you have any big plans for November? No. What upcoming event are you most looking forward to? Christmas. I doubt Halloween's gonna be anything I'd like it to be. What was the last song you heard? "Letter" by Mother Mother is on. Compared to someone else of your age and gender; do you feel that you have a lot to offer someone? HAHAHAHA NO. How many days a week do you work? N/A Is there ONE person you feel more connected to than others? Sara and Mom. Where did your eye color come from? Mom's dad had blue eyes, I think. Have you ever been in a recording studio? No. What is your worst relationship quality? I'm paranoid. I'm that "do you still like me?" person after marriage, I'm sure. What was your most recent serious injury? Does sun poisoning from Hell itself count? When was the last time you baked something for someone? Never lmao. Would you rather be kissed on the neck or on the lips? I mean it depends on the mood. What is one thing you’re not looking forward to in the next week? I'm going home Wednesday. Would you consider Christmas your favorite holiday? Second-fave. How many chances do you normally give someone before giving up on them? Way too fucking many. But it also depends on the offense and person. Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? Yeah. Are you for or against inter-racial relationships? Totally for. Would you say you’re more of a pessimist or optimist? I'm definitely a realist, but if I had to pick, I lean more towards pessimism. Have you ever been addicted to something unhealthy? No. When the holidays come around, do you watch holiday movies? Not really. Would you say you’re a friendly person or not so much? I think I'm very friendly, just shy and awkward socially. When was the last time you ate something from Burger King? LEMME TELL YOU THIS SHIT. Months ago, I went for a veggie burger. THESE. IDIOTS. Put all the normal shit BUT NO PATTY IN A FUCKING BUN. WHEN THEY HAVE ACTUAL VEGGIE PATTIES. We waited forever, so Mom was already in a bad mood. She went in and the manager was livid; she gave us a free drink and fries. BUT, the burger fucking sucked, it was so overcooked. Sooo that was fun. When someone mentions a song, does it make you wanna listen to it? Rarely if it's a song I don't know, unless I like the artist. Song title may interest me, too. Who is the nosiest person you know? Do you like them anyways? BITCH ME. Are you one of those people who like The Nightmare Before Christmas? Okay so, I first watched it in school and I didn't like it at all. Then I started loving it??? I have like sooo much Jack stuff. What’s the best food to have at a sleepover? Pizza! Do you like the yellow Cheetos better or the orange ones? You mean normal or hot? Gimme them spicy boiz. Do you know anybody with different colored eyes? No. Are any of your relatives vets? Don't believe so. Who cleans the most in your house? Mom. I really need to do it more. Do you own any shirts that cost over 100$? Jfc no. What about any shoes? Do you think that’s a lot of money for clothes? No, and obviously. What’s the movie theater in your town called? Uhhh I think Cinemax? How many minutes do you consider late? Over five. What kinds of food do you dunk into milk? Some cookies. Do you have any current or past teachers on your Facebook friends? No. Are there any baby pictures of you up? On FB? No. Do you have any friends who have bleached blonde hair? Maybe Alon still does, idk. Are you wearing any jewelry that a boyfriend/girlfriend gave you? No. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed cry? Yeah. What’s the last thing you were excited to eat? A donut sobs. Who's the most romantic person you ever went out with? I dunno... none were/are like especially romantic. Is there anything hanging from the ceiling in your room? Some Pyramid Head gift tags, a stuffed fae dragon from WoW, and a cool lantern. Have you ever seen the last person you hugged dressed up fancy? Not in person, but in pictures. (If your parents married), Do you know where they got engaged? No. What was the last picture you printed of? The reference I made of my tattoo for the artist. What restaurant has the best fries? Bojangle's the Queen. What does your mailbox look like? Just a basic black one. Have you ever gotten something stuck on the roof? Probs as a kid. Does your computer make a lot of noise? Not really. Unless it's overheating. Who did you last drink or smoke up with? Mom and Sara. How many board games do you own? Idk, there's just a few in a cabinet in the living room. What does your BIGGEST mug look like? We don't have any really big ones. Newest musical discovery? I really love Powerwolf. Last thing you cleaned? Clothes. What exactly do you carry around all your stuff in? Purse. What do you carry around, typically? Phone, iPod, wallet, hand sanitizer, keys... Where is your newest scar? There's still a little scab on the bottom of my tat from heavy shading, but it's almost healed. If you mean like, "real" scar, cat scratch on my right hand. Where is your oldest scar? Ummm probably this random one on the top of my right wrist. No clue where it came from, been there for years. Last thing you disposed of? A bottle, I think? Are you good at recovering from injuries? I dunno. How many different public restrooms have you used this week? I think just one, at the reptile convention. Do you have more piercings or tattoos? Currently tied at six, but piercings the day I get home and get my tongue redone. What color and type is your vehicle? N/A Looking to upgrade or add any time soon? N/A What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Meerkats. What do you use to wash your dishes? Ugh, hands, gross. I refuse to have my own home that doesn't have a dishwasher. Last thing you measured? Ummm probably water when I was making ramen. Last thing you weighed? Myself. Do you talk to your parent(s) [almost] every day? Ma, yes. Last person to tell you that you smell good? Sara although I don't see how, I needed a shower. @_@ Last person you told that they smell good? Sara. How many iPhones have you had? One, I think? Last person you ran into unexpectedly? Good question. Last compliment you received on your appearance? Uhhh idk. On your character/personality? Sara's mom pointed out this morning that she liked how I watch out for Sara and reminded her to call the library (applied there) and it made me so happy alkdjowie. Her approval is important to me. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? No. Woulda liked to, but. How many chargers do you have for your current cell phone? One, though Mom's fits mine, too. Do you have a good work/life balance? N/A Have you ever ordered pizza online? Yeah. Do you own a treadmill? No, but I want one. Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? Yeah. What color was the last fish you had? I couldn't tell you. Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? No. Have you ever read in the bathtub? I may've as a kid? Does your animal sleep with you? Roman, pretty much always. Rarely Teddy, but hhe doesn't like getting off the bed; I put him on it if he wants, so getting down's the only thing. Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? I think I have, but I don't recall for what? How many favorites do you have on YouTube? Holy shit idk. I used to favorite almost anything I liked, though for like a year or so now I've been really picky with what I favorite because it's become a playlist I go to that I know will cheer me up or are just videos I find very important. What kind was the last chip you ate? Uhhhh Lays, p sure. What is your favorite song to play on Guitar Hero or Rockband? I physically cannot play "Hotel California" by the Eagles without moving in some sort of way or singing.  The fucking solo ahhhhhhhhhh goosebumps every time.

[nootropicsaustralia]

Danger of Too Much Stress and the Role Cortisol Plays

Article at a glance:

· Cortisol is your primary stress hormone, and is like your body’s built-in alarm clock!

· There are dangers of too little cortisol as well as too much cortisol.

· There are a lot of different things you can do to control your cortisol including healthy diet changes, supplements, exercising, spending time with animals and a lot more!

Did your lover just put a ring on your finger? Do you have many things to plan? Maybe you lost your job, or you have to move again. Whatever it is, stress can become that toxic friend you never wanted.

To be honest, we rarely get the chance to live a stress-free life. Given the hectic schedule, high-pressure environment, and competitive situations, stress and pressure just become the bread and butter of our everyday life.

But, unless you work on those stress levels, the cortisol production can quickly get out of hand. It can throw your body off balance and give you a million different problems for you to deal with. And ain’t nobody got time for that!

That’s why you need to make sense of cortisol. What it is and how it can affect the system. You may have heard of it before as the “stress hormone." But let us introduce you to what cortisol really is, the dangers of too much and too little, and a  practical guide that will let you in on everything that will prove useful every single day!!. So, let’s jump right in!

Cortisol: What Is It Exactly?

Strap in for a bit of science to get things started!

Cortisol is a hormone in your body that is produced by your adrenal glands, which are just above your kidneys. The amount of cortisol your adrenal glands produce is regulated by your pituitary gland, which is the size of a pea and is at the bottom of your brain. What does this all matter? Well, because having the right amount of cortisol is essential for our health, and you can have problems when you have too much or too little.

Cortisol can act in numerous components of the human system. It can affect the body's response to stress, boost glucose metabolism, manage blood pressure and inflammation. But, you also need it for the "fight or flight" response. [1]

My Body Produces a LOT of Cortisol – Is That a Bad Thing?

Cortisol and stress go hand in hand. Our body is more than capable of regulating its own cortisol release. But, when you deal with something like Cushing’s syndrome, it can quickly get rowdy. For those who struggle with Addison’s, the system can start lacking this key steroid hormone.

If you are wondering if you have high or low levels of cortisol, you can find out with a simple blood test reading. There is a range of cortisol levels that should be in your blood, and anything outside of those levels can affect your health. So if you are feeling a bit off, it’s always worth seeing your GP just to check [2]

This is why.

Very high cortisol levels, when left untreated, can end up destroying brain cells. As odd as it sounds, that’s precisely what happens. Stress could even change the function of neurotransmitters (your brain chemicals that alter how your motivation, happiness, and so much more) and affect memory. No wonder why people get irritable, unstable, and emotionally unavailable when having exceedingly high cortisol. [3]

Too little cortisol level is no walk in the park either. It can make you feel dizzy, exhausted, weak and affect your mood. Those who have very low cortisol are often not that emotionally available. So, this is something to think about when your cortisol is out of sync. [4]

To top it all off, people who deal with unstable cortisol regularly can also have blood sugar problems, weight gain, poor immune system, many digestive problems. To turn the tide, you should work on your stress. But, there are other options that can help as well.

What About Corticosteroids – Are They Any Good?

People struggling with cortisol production use corticosteroids. If you too, are dealing with a similar issue, then your doctor might suggest you take corticosteroids. Although they are a synthetic version of cortisol, they are more than capable of handling the misbalance.

But, these drugs can come with side effects. Of course, it can happen with any medication. But, with this one, people can have skin thinning, weight gain, high blood sugar, mood swings, eye problems, and more. [5]

Is There Something I Can Eat for Better Cortisol Levels?

Foods may not be the quickest remedy, but they sure are the most useful ones. When cortisol goes through the roof, you need nutrients and unprocessed meals to get it back on track. Here, you can see some of the most useful options you should be eating.

To lessen the levels and nourish the brain, you can eat:

- Green tea

- Olive oil

- Berries

- Dark chocolate

- Chamomile tea

- Garlic

- Turmeric

- Fatty fish

Eating foods with a lot of prebiotic fibers is very good as well as these encourage the growth of beneficial gut bacteria, which are known to positively affect brain health and mood. (reference) (6)

Some prebiotic foods including bananas, dark chocolate, cacao, asparagus, barley, beans, cashews, fennel, garlic, leeks, lentils, mustard greens, onions, and tomatoes.

Changing the foods in your diet is a long-term strategy, and you might want to jump-start your efforts with supplements! There is an entire group of supplements called adaptogens, and they work to help your body adapt to situations and strengthen the function of your adrenal glands. They help to bring your body into balance, so if you have too little cortisol and you’re fatigued, adaptogens help to lift you up, and if you are frantic with a racing mind, they help to slow you down again. (reference) (7)  (reference) (8)

Particularly good adaptogens are:

- Rhodiola Rosea (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3155223/) (9)

- Ashwagandha (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3573577/)  (10)

- Panax Ginseng (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14737017) (11)

- Holy Basil (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9142558)  (12)

- Schisandra (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3155223/ ) (13)

According to experts, these are often the go-to choice for adrenal fatigue, and people use them to replenish their insufficiency. Some health products have many of the adaptogens in one product, such as Mental Performance Coffee, which has 3 out of the 5 adaptogens above at therapeutic doses. Adaptogens can help you feel better and more productive every day. So, they definitely make for a worthy choice. [14]

Other cortisol lowering tips:

· Exercise

· Sleep

· Meditate

· Stop multitasking.

· Breathing exercises

· Spending time in nature

· Spending time with animals

· Being social

· Being creative

· Taking time away from technology

Final thought

While too little or too much cortisol can cause you harm – you can do many things to moderate your cortisol production with healthy lifestyle changes. While it’s easy to get caught up in aspects of life that stress you out — work, money, relationships, and health issues, to name a few. Remember to give yourself permission to have some fun! Engage in activities like hanging out with friends, playing with your pet, and enjoying art, music, and creative hobbies that feed your spirit and make you happy.

References

1) https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/the-role-of-cortisol-in-the-body

2) https://www.ucsfhealth.org/medical-tests/003693

3) https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8775763/

4) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4263906/

5) https://www.mayoclinic.org/steroids/art-20045692

6) https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00213-014-3810-0

7) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3991026/

8) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6240259/

9) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3155223/

10) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3573577/

11) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14737017

12) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9142558

13) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3155223/

14) https://www.healthline.com/health/adrenal-fatigue-diet

[highbuttonsports]

Flames vs. Leafs (2021). Photo retrieved from: calgary flames david rittich - Bing images

Big Save Dave To the Rescue

To say the past 3 games plus the upcoming game were critical to the Calgary Flames would be an understatement. They were coming off a 5-1 defeat to the Canucks that saw goaltender Jacob Markstrom pulled. It had been their toughest loss yet to an opponent they had handled pretty well going 4-1 against while outscoring them 16-9. Markstrom had been all around dominant against his former team so for Vancouver to chase him from the net was big. Some relief was on the horizon though with 5 of their next 10 games coming against the basement dwelling Sens. First, they would have to get through a back-to-back battle of Alberta and then 2 versus the division leading Leafs. They were at a critical juncture for a team hovering around .500 while dealing with inconsistency and slow starts. Well, the back-to-back couldn’t have gone much worse.

In the 1st game of the back-to-back the Flames decided to give Rittich the start in order to give the Markstrom an extra day of rest. A much-needed extra day of rest for a goalie that had seen a lot of action early on. It makes sense in a high pressure shortened season, where every point given up is to a divisional opponent, to ride the goalie that gives the best chance at a W. Though, teams need to be able to turn to their backup with confidence when necessary to keep the starter fresh and at their best. Whether that comes from many games in a short period of time or a heavy shot volume, it’s vital to have a stable secondary goalie. Given that David Rittich has played the part of the starter as recent as last season, he and the team should be more than comfortable with him handling a bigger workload as the season rolls on. In this start, Dave wasn’t overly tested as Calgary did a great job defensively only giving up 25 shots. He was solid when called upon though. They also contained the dynamic duo of McDavid and Draisaitl wonderfully only allowing 2 shots a piece. The problems the Flames ran into were far too familiar. They started slowly once again getting outshot 6-0 in the first 5+ mins of the game while giving up the opening goal. They recovered nicely enough after that, but the damage had been done. Given they were missing Monahan due to a lower body injury sustained the previous game, offence was going to be even more of a challenge. So, having to play comeback yet again was going to be much tougher. The Oilers came in with an equally strong defensive game plan and held Calgary to a stingy 21 shots. In the end, the Flames came out on the losing end of a tight 2-1 game. The positives were a solid game from Rittich and tight defensive hockey against an offensively superior opponent. The negatives were another slow start, giving up the first goal again, and a second loss in a row.

With no time to dwell, the Flames were at the following night against the same Oilers. Monahan missed his 2nd straight game, but Markstrom was back between the pipes. It was Hockey Night in Canada time with the whole country watching. Calgary was hoping to venge the loss to Oilers from the previous night and prevent the extension of the modest 2 game losing streak. Old habits die hard though. Not even 4 mins in and Calgary was down 2-0 while being outshot 4-2. They were forced to fight to get back in the game and fight they did. Tkachuk looked like his feisty self as they fired 15 shots to the Oilers 5 while cutting the lead in half. All that was for naught though as a late PP goal by McDavid late in the period extended the deficit to 1-3. Both early and late period goals are killers. They tend to hurt the team mentally along with the goal against on the scoreboard. Those goals against seem to take the energy out of the team. This one was no different. Though the Flames kept coming to a tune of a 44-24 shots on goal advantage, the goals didn’t stop going in their net. Ultimately, Calgary got hammered 7-1 with Markstrom getting pulled for the 2nd time in 2 starts. It seems Sam Bennett was given a lot of the misdirected blame as he was benched for the third period. Just as he was seeing a regular top 6 role and rumours of his trade request somewhat quieted, they were back front and center.

Another loss was added to turn a two-game hiccup into a mind numbing 3-game losing streak in devastating fashion. The Flames got outscored 14 to 3 as frustrations mounted and questions abounded. Which culminated with Coach Geoff Ward finally seeing enough after their worst defeat of the season in the 3rd game of that streak (7-1 to hated rivals the Edmonton Oilers). He decided to use his ‘voice displeasure to the media’ card and called the team out for a lack of focus and effort. To paraphrase Ward, they needed to get their sh*t together! It was obvious he felt his message wasn’t getting across in practice or the dressing room. The NHL coaching fraternity is one that likes to keep things internal for the most part. For Geoff to use the media to get his point across tells you a lot about how he felt things were going. Those were shots fired at a group of players that either did not get the sense of urgency or needed a kick in the butt. Either way, it appears the tactic worked.

Coming off their worst loss of the season, on tap was 2 games against the high-flying Maple Leafs. They got Monahan back into the lineup after a 2-game absence. Also, Oliver Kylington was getting his first opportunity to seize a bottom pair d position. More of a note though, Rittich was forced between the pipes (even after a day off) due to Markstrom being day-to-day with an upper body injury. The Leafs were facing a slew of injuries themselves in what turned into a battle of the back ups as Andersen was also out. It was still the Toronto though, and as long as Matthews, Marner, and Tavares are out there they are always dangerous. It felt ominous for Calgary to be coming in after losing the way they have and needing a win badly. Would this be another beat down? A 4th straight loss? What would the Flames’ response be to being called out by the coach after a 7-1 loss? Many of those answers would come in the first few minutes as they came out flying both physically and with the puck. Bennett (out of the doghouse and with Monahan and Gaudreau) tapped the puck into an open net after a misplay by Leaf goalie, Michael Hutchinson. It was a favourable bounce for a team in desperate need of one. Playing with a lead is something the Flames have not been used to. Determined not to let this opportunity slip away, they continued to bring pressure (33 SOG) and capitalized on their chances (2-5 on the PP). Sure, they gave up their share of chances (34 SOG and 7 times shorthanded), but they piled into shooting lanes (16 blocks) and the ones that got through were gobbled up by Rittich. In what may have been Calgary’s most complete game of the season, they halted their losing skid with a 3-0 win. “Big Save” Dave gave them exactly the performance they needed at their worst moment of the season to date. He earned the shut out with timely saves as he fought through traffic all night. If Markstrom is unable to return Wednesday against Toronto he and the team will be going in brimming with confidence.

Looking ahead, it would be phenomenal if the Flames could head into their 4-game set with Ottawa on a win. 5 of their next 6 are against the division bottom feeder Sens. That amazing opportunity may be dulled a bit as the Senators are playing their best hockey of the year right now. Calgary needs to bring the same hard nosed and opportunistic game from last game into, not only their next game, but every game going forward. If they take the Sens for granted, they will be back searching for answers, with the next media motivational tactic being the announcement of a roster or coaching change.

*All stats from NHL.com

By: Jaymee Kitchenham

[ladyandtheghost]

Reason #11: Tyrion is “special” to Sansa --- Why is it that Jon “didn’t ask!” 

Now, though we compared it (jokingly) to the other instances when men mention Sansa and Jon flips, Jon’s reaction to Tyrion isn’t *exactly* rage — what is more, his disposition towards Tyrion is quite positive *before* Tyrion unwittingly takes it one step too far in his talk about Sansa. 

When they first meet at the beach, Jon actually breaks out in a smile and shakes Tyrion’s hand, genuinely happy to see him. We can be sure that Jon knows all about Tyrion at that moment, at least everything that Sansa had shared about him and we know that she characterized Tyrion as “not like the others” and praised how kind he was. Even if she never said it out loud, she also implied to Jon that his being “kind” means he *never* touched her.

That alone makes Tyrion a good guy in Jon’s eyes. 

The scene with Theon next episode confirmed that Sansa’s safety and well-being takes such center stage in Jon’s ‘good books’ that he immediately forgave Theon’s betrayal of his brother, his entire family and the North. Due to that, we can assume that Jon *would* feel gratitude towards Tyrion for treating his sister well when he would have had every opportunity (and the legal right) to do the opposite.

So...when Tyrion does broach the “subject” - hoping to resolve whatever doubt Jon might have about his honourable treatment of Sansa - he is rebuffed with something that can only be described as ‘gruff rudeness’ by Jon. 

“I didn’t ask.” 

And this only broke out of Jon the moment Tyrion showed a little *too* much interest in Sansa. 

He actually starts out ok asking politely: “And Sansa? I hear she’s alive and well.” which is a natural, polite inquiry and Jon replies accordingly: “She is.” Neutral, polite. They’re cool with each other. 

If only Tyrion had left it at that and said something like “Good. I’m glad.” and then changed the subject to maybe fill Jon in about dragon lady and what’s going on in Dragonstone. 

The fact that he didn’t is actually what makes this entire scene highly suspicious and seemingly ‘relevant’ because a simple “Sansa ok?” - “Yup, thanks.” would have absolutely sufficed to show character relations, continuity, whatever. 

What we get instead is yet another “conflict”, however minor, about and over Sansa between Jon and another male character. 

So Tyrion *wants* to talk about Sansa and approaches the subject with a joke (as is his wont): “Does she miss me terribly?”

Jon: …..

*cricket sounds*

After Jon’s initial positive reaction to seeing Tyrion again, his smile AND even the fact that Jon DID appreciate Tyrion’s joke before at the beach: 

“The Bastard of Winterfell” to which Jon full on joked back: “The Dwarf of Casterly Rock!”  (*smile*) and then some banter about him “pissing off the edge” of the wall...

So of course Tyrion was led to believe that making this clearly *ironic* crack about Sansa “missing him” would be taken lightly by Jon. Like he actually thought Jon would chuckle and say something funny/sarcastic back as he DID before at the beach.

Well, Jon does not. Jon doesn’t say anything. And *that* says a lot by itself. 

Tyrion immediately senses that he’s crossed some invisible line here. Confused, he seems to panic a little and he rambles a little. 

Jon’s terse reaction, his rebuffing first of Tyrion’s joke, then of his reassurances that he was good to his sister, makes him nervous, because he didn’t see it coming at all. He looks back at Jon and fumbles to explain that the marriage was a sham and was never consummated -- going from 0 to 100 on the scale of “lol how’s your sister doing” to “I never banged your girl, I swear.” 

The question is: why does Jon not just accept Tyrion’s words, which are clearly meant as some sort of ‘olive branch’ between the two men. He’s not telling him anything shocking or outrageous. It’s not offensive or expressed in a crude way. And when he says it was a sham marriage, he isn’t joking about it. He means it. So why is Jon lowkey getting his hackles up? He says that he “didn’t ask” to be told this, by which he means he doesn’t want to hear it. Only why? 

Jealousy? Sansa spoke very favourably about Tyrion, almost warmly, remembering him as a good and ‘special’ person. And Tyrion isn’t satisfied with just the news that Sansa is well, but wants to know if she “misses” him. If Jon was NOT Sansa’s brother, there would be no doubt that Jon’s reaction is based on pure jealousy of their ‘bond’ however short lived it was. Since he is (still) her brother, though, this may only factor in subconsciously. 

Actual disinterest? Jon feels no need to know whether this Lannister treated his sister well. He doesn’t care. He just wants to look out to the sea and count the steps until they are up at the castle. Yeah, fat chance. I think part of Jon had a fierce need to know, to be reassured of just what Tyrion told him (and Sansa had only implied) - and there was an anxiety about it within him, but one that he felt he had no right to acknowledge - because he respects Sansa’s privacy. 

Protectiveness? Makes little sense since Tyrion’s words about their “sham” marriage do not hurt Sansa in any way. If anything, he is full of praise and reveals nothing but care and protectiveness of Sansa himself. Any maybe this is what Jon doesn’t want to hear: this man being just as “good” and “protective” of Sansa as he is. 

He isn’t the *only* one to love Sansa and wish to protect her. In fact, what Tyrion’s words do in that moment is - they confirm Sansa’s words about Tyrion back at Winterfell. He was exceptional at King’s Landing. The only man to be kind to her. 

Tyrion was “special” to Sansa. 

Which kind of makes Jon - at least in his own head - a little bit “less special” to her. He’s her brother - his care, love and protectiveness are taken for granted. 

This small man’s care, love and protectiveness came without family ties. 

And Jon does NOT want to hear about that. No, Jon “didn’t ask.” 

Now, Tyrion is a very protective man: he protected Sansa from Joffrey for one and in his storyline with Shae we saw the length to which he would go in order to protect the woman he loved. A lot of his romance with Shae was actually all about hiding and protecting her, and keeping her a “secret.” 

So Tyrion knows better than anyone else how protective (and possessive) a man can get about his beloved. He only didn’t expect to see some shade of that coming from Jon. Even if people want to argue that Jon is “only” protective of Sansa as a brother would be - and you’re NOT WRONG - because at this point Sansa IS his sister -- it is the ‘weirded out’ and tell-tale reactions of everyone else to Jon’s volatile behaviour whenever Sansa is being discussed that makes it clear that there is something “off” about it. 

Only that at this time everyone who notices it, has bigger problems than to wonder why the King in the North is so fierce about his ‘Lady Sister.’ 

Including himself, I bet.