#that's something that's REALLY hard to internalize but i promise i'm not bullshitting you. you don't deserve TO be bullshitted

[uncanny-tranny]

The one I call inevitable is like, chest dysphoria and voice dysphoria (which HRT and surgery have helped alleviate!) while the societal one is the idea that I must be lean and muscular to be masculine, that my soft, round tummy makes me less of a man. Gender affirming care can 100% help with the first one! The second one is maybe the one I need to work on myself. But yeah, the guilt is definitely there. I feel like I should be happy, and I feel ungrateful.

I totally get where you're coming from... like, it sucks living in a world that values solely your ability to conform properly, and I don't think you're ungrateful at all for feeling that pressure. It absolutely can help to work through those feelings, but I think part of it is a broader function of society, one that simultaneously forces you to conform effortlessly, and yet shames those who strive to achieve the standard or who cannot reach that standard easily. I think trans people are especially sensitive to that because of the added layer of our gender and livelihood being up for debate. I don't think it helps us to ignore that, and it's so important that you've recognized your feelings and how it is impacted by those factors. I know this is hard to internalize, but you are not ungrateful - you're a person. You are doing your best even if it doesn't "feel like it." And you are certainly not alone in your insecurities, or dysphoria, or whatever you are feeling

[tobiasdrake]

Back into the Underworld, the worst place on Mesa Island. Then we have unfinished business with the Demon King.

Hahaha, I know, right!? Prophet's poker face would be amazing if he didn't keep whispering to himself about his cards at a volume that can be heard from space.

Anyways, I should probably get out there. No more putting this off. As much as I desperately want to. You probably don't know this but I had a bad experience down there and....

...actually, you probably do. You're the one who sends Quarble to me every time, after all. We've been in this together from the start, in a way I never really understood before.

I'm sorry I got offended when you wanted to wear a cool hat too.

Anyway... I guess we should get to work. Partner.

So this is what the Underworld of 500 years ago looks like. Mostly the same.

I suppose that makes sense. This place seems the least likely to change out of anywhere. Oh, shit, and Burning Tirade is probably still around.

Huh. Well, that was relatively straightforward. Jump jump get stabbed Musical Note.

That kind of implies that this manifested essence of crystallized physics is the only thing holding back the Underworld from spreading across Mesa Island.

Are we sure it's okay for me to just. Like. Take it? I'm just saying, if the Underworld starts growing out of control, I'm giving all-a y'all an I Told You So.

You guys built a suspension bridge!? I was just expecting, like, a bunch of planks across rope.

This is incredible. Great work!

In any case, onward to the Forlorn Temple. This is, allegedly, where the Demon King lives. I imagine we won't be able to break the curse without--

FUCK YES ROCKET SILO WOOHOO

This is exactly the kind of funhouse shit I'd fill my evil palace with!

--jamming a kunai in the eyes of each of those four grotesque heads of his. Without a question, we're here to kill the fucker responsible for this cycle.

I have a good feeling about this. Demon King summoned Bugle Thyroid to keep an eye on me when it was my turn at bat. But after I killed him, he didn't come back for Soldier's turn. This implies that stabbing a fucker between his goddamn eyes does have a lasting impact on the cycles.

The way I see it, if we cut off the invasion's quadri-heads, it might not even matter anymore that we're trapped in a time loop.

Probably won't be that simple. Time bullshit never is. But there's no downside to decapitating a warmongering bastard so it's worth a go all the same.

...uh....

I think a king died here. Sucks to be him, I guess.

I am hyped and ready to go. Ready as I'll ever be, in fact.

I've always relied on your advice, Shopkeep. You got anything for me with this one?

Helpful. Thanks.

I suppose that makes sense. We all know what he is and it's not like anyone's ever beaten one of him before. So.

I guess we're going to wing it.

Is this all you do? Sit here and wait for the promised day when you get to go out and harass the last vestiges of civilization?

And I do mean harass. The cycle requires you to fail at exterminating us so we can grow a new society and spawn a new Messenger when you hit that one. We even prop it up in the same place every time so it's not like it's hard to find.

Is this all your immortal existence amounts to? Sit sit sit sit fireball sit sit sit sit sit? You look so bored. Do you not have card games or something you can play with your demon minions?

Seeing you here, I... almost feel bad for you. Please understand that I mean this in the meanest way possible - like, full-throated hate here - but you need to get a fucking life. Besides the four brambleboned dipshits that had their skulls hot-glued to a flesh horror, I mean.

Oh, yeah, no. He's not coming. You'd be surprised how easy it is to perforate someone's internal organs when they're eagerly throwing themselves on your sword.

I know you guys were, like, designated besties from the moment of your demonic rebirth in whatever fucked-up lab Aephorul used to transform you. But he's done. Wasted him like bread crust. You want to fight about it?

Buddy, I've got enough Time Shards to buy way more insolence than this. You want to start running a tab?

This can't be all you've got. The Dweller of Strife was the most powerful Dweller ever to exist. It took a legion of Solstice Warriors during the Eclipse to bring it down.

Did you chucklefucks actually make it weaker when you were bonded to it? This poor bloated mass of flesh is so pitiful now, it can't even do anything more than vomit fireballs and hope no one notices how pathetic it is.

I thought it was just Bowling Tapir having that problem. But no. This is a huge downgrade too. Everything Aephorul tries to improve gets fucked up beyond recognition.

It's a good thing you can fly away to safety whenever Messengers show up to the cyclical battle. Otherwise, we would have slaughtered you long ago.

Lining up the shot. I've got eyes on target and I'm coming in hot. Locking on and here... we... GOOOOOOO!

AAAAAAND Straight up the asshole! I can't believe this is all you've got. I spent my whole mission afraid of you.

It's done, Luana. This went in a completely different direction than I was anticipating. It's been a very weird day. But your unfinished business is complete; I have sodomized the Dweller of Strife.

I don't know if you'd be proud of me; You're kind of a shithead. But I'm proud of me. And that's what matter-- Wait, what's it doing? That doesn't look like dying in agony.

Oh cool, new form. Yeah, that looks way more Dweller of Strife-y than the previous. I think I killed the Acolytes so now it's free from their crippling handicap.

...wait. Shit. That's bad for me.

It looks angry. Hey, are you mad? You look mad.

OH FUCK LASERS

I THINK IT'S MAD

NO NO NO NO NO GO AWAY PLEASE I AM TRYING TO WET MYSELF AND RUN FROM YOU

I think it actually got angrier when I jumped on a rocket! Why!? WHY ARE YOU SO MAD ABOUT ROCKETS!? LUANA I THINK I MADE MISTAKE--

Oh, look. The ceiling. ...OH FUCK THE CEILING

ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT Hi Strifey how was your day ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT

Oh wow. So that's what the unyielding fury of eclipse magic burning like a thousand moons looks like. I've always wondered. No matter how many times you read about it, you're never prepared to see it in person.

Don't you agree, Strife?

Yeah, you agree. If I had to guess, I'd say your mistake was chasing me.

Guess this W belongs to you guys, Luana and Solen. But I'm proud to have done my part.

In the butt.

Look at it. Can't wait to show this to Shopkeeper. She's been watching me so she's probably already facepalming as we speak. This is a story I'm going to be weirding people out with at parties for the rest of my life.

Holy shit, are you the Fleshmancer? Wow. What a privilege to meet you! Is it true you once got your ass kicked by an irate cook wielding a frying pan?

In any case, I disagree. Gonna be pretty hard for you to keep burning down our village without your glorified matchbook here. Meanwhile, I've got all the time in the world.

See you around.

Assclown.

[tarmac-rat]

WIP (Last) Wednesday

Tagged by @ghostoffuturespast

Hey y'all! I'm taking a hot little mental break from intense internet usage, partially work motivated and partially because my head just isn't feelin' all that zesty at the moment. I'm probably going to just take it easy for a little while so I promise I'm not ignoring anyone but I just really need a break from being online for a bit and spring-clean my head.

That also extends to a few tag games and I WILL be getting to those when I have a brain that doesn't feel like concrete slurry lol.

Not tagging anyone this round, hope y'all'll forgive me for that because you know how much I love reading shit, but please give it a whirl if you want!

From Chapter 18 of Rain in the Desert. Trying something a little different literarily in the one scene where I think it could possibly fit:

“For fuck’s sake, Alt, you had one job— one goddamn job— and you fucked it up!” the fury in Johnny’s voice could’ve burned this whole place down to ashes. He’s facing the AI fully now, chromed and ‘ganic hands both clenched in shaking fists, as though he’s debating when to stop throwing barbs and start throwing punches. ““Promised the kid a new life and what, all the sudden she’s just a goner? You fucking lied!?” “I could not know the situation until I ran a thorough and precise diagnosis.” “Well, run it again!” “The data is conclusive—” “Run. It. Again.” The world has closed in. Suddenly, V is aware of everything around her. The errant pixels floating on the air. The streams of data writhing beneath her fingers. The empty synthetic pulse of this coded Netscape pounding in her ears as it presses down on her.  The fact that she can’t feel her heartbeat. How had she not noticed that she can’t feel her heartbeat? “All testing conducted before and after the engram creation procedure has drawn the same results. Were V’s engram to be reuploaded back into her form, the body would remain stable for several weeks. But soon, it would begin to degenerate. Muscle tissue will atrophy. Neurons will attack neurons. Cellular growth will stall, then break down entirely, poisoning the host’s internal systems until they fail, one by one.”  “Get to the point, goddamnit! In human terms!” “Under these conditions, the body would survive for about six months. Perhaps somewhat more. Then it will die, and she along with it.” Everything is spinning. V can’t breathe, can’t focus, can hardly make sense of her own thoughts anymore. She wants to speak but all her words are hooks in the back of her throat, sinking deeper into flesh the more she tries to force them out. In the midst of the roiling chaos inside of her, V eyes have dropped to the tips of her steel-toed boots, red stark against the blue below them. And if she dares to look long and hard enough, she can see something flickering there. Faint lines of code, perfect rows of data hidden beneath the surface, pulled along her form like blood pulled through a vein. “Bullshit! Everything you just said has been bullshit! We get you into Mikoshi, you save her life— that was the fuckin’ deal, Alt! Fix this!” “There is nothing I can do. The Relic’s nanites have irreversibly altered the host organism in order to accommodate the construct stored within. From this point forward, the body will see V as an intruder.” “But it’s her body!” “No. It is yours.”  Six months.  That’s all she gets from this. Six more painful, agonizing, soul-shredding months of life in a mutinous body, and then she’s gone.  Just like that. Everything they’d done. Everyone they’d killed. Every bloodied and battered and broken step that brought them here. Every. Last. One. For nothing. Unless she lets him slide into her skin. It’s tailored for him now. It won’t reject him. He would survive.  Live on. A life for a life. She swore she’d take a bullet for him.  He swore he’d take it first. One body, two people, and the fool’s pact they made in a tiny motel room at the end of the world. It all comes cycling back.  Like it always does.  Like it always will. “—you understand?” It’s a few seconds before V realizes that Alt’s question had been directed towards her. “I…” she stammers, then trails off, her voice sputtering off into nothingness.  She can’t stop staring at her boots. “Do you understand?” V shakes her head. “G-g-gimme a minute,” she finally forces out, “I ne..I-I need to think.” “You must make a—” “I said, give me one fucking minute!” V snarls. A long lull follows that. Then, she hears Alt’s detached voice echoing out; “Very well.”

[sea-buns]

Pride PSA

I know we're nearing the end of pride month so it's a bit late for this, but I had a 3am reflection on my coming out that I hope can be helpful for the queer youths of tumblr.

If you are not 200% sure that your parent, or guardian, or whoever you live with is gonna be chill with who you are do NOT risk it. Seriously. There is no room for "its probably fine" or "I'm pretty sure". If you can't say for absolute certain that there won't be backlash, then I plead with you to stay closeted until you know for a fact you are safe.

I knowww pride month gets us so excited and we see other people celebrating and we wanna join in. Trust me, I know. Especially if it's an impulse thing. Or you're tired of how suffocating it can feel to have to stifle yourself all the time. Or you're so pissed at the homophobic comments that get thrown around at the dinner table, you just wanna do something to spite it all. I've been there, I am there, I get you.

But having been someone who'd read and heard so many stories of coming outs going terribly, and thought "well that kinda thing will never to happen to me"

...ha ha spoiler alert I was incredibly WRONG

Sometimes your loved ones may seem chill and it gives you a false sense of security. Which really just fuels the impulse decisions.

I was completely isolated from everyone and everything for years. Any trace of me online before then was forcibly erased. I'm stuck mourning the loss of friends I never even knew I'd never speak to again, and the formative teenage experiences that I grew up anticipating but now will never know. This is just the TLDR, you guys. Though I'm an adult, I still live at home for many internal and external reasons, and I've only recently been able to very slowly integrate myself back onto the internet.

I feel grateful that I wasn't thrown out of my house. It may have come to that if I didn't back down claim straight out of fear. Those should never be sentences that anyone, of any age, can relate to. And it is for sure not the standard you should be holding people to. If that's where your bar is RAISE IT. Don't let me catch you with that bullshit.

I'm walking into this post fully expecting for some people to read it, think the same shit I did, and then make the same mistake. Unfortunately, it can be hard to grasp statistics without a physical form to hold in your hands. Even if you're the kinda person who cries at other people's stories, it is so freakishly easy to forget the fear when you see slightest glint that maybe it'll be okay.

It feels wrong to tell you not to hope. But it feels far worse to have the rug pulled out from under you.

I'm not saying to never hope at all. You will find people who love you and accept you. That's a hard fucking truth. It's going to happen. One day, you're gonna meet someone, like you, who lights up your whole world and it's gonna be amazing. Hold out hope for them, I promise you it's worth it.

Bottom line is, I'm hoping this sticks with somebody. I'm hoping I've caught you before the jump, and you've been able to earnestly consider what I've said before taking that leap of faith. There is nothing wrong with staying in the closet. Pride month is not "coming out month".

All I ask is that you prioritize your safety and well-being above all else.

Happy Pride <3

[spidercookie18]

I'm having a crisis. And im going to talk about wanting to die.

Know first that no matter how scary this post may be, I've moved past seriously attempting to unalive. I promise I have a support group, and this is not anything like that.

It is 5 a.m. when I started writing this. I woke up crying, and now im worried I'm gonna be having an existential crisis for the next few days til I can get my head on straight.

I. Am.... turning 24 in less than 3 months. And I am freaking the fuck out about it. I woke up with my ears ringing in pain, my joints aching, and my stomach and head killing me. Yes, I did it to myself, but that's not the point.

I realized, now that I am going to be.... living past my 'expiration date', that I have to live inside this body. And to live inside this body is painful.

Now that my life plans don't stop at 24, I don't know what to do.

For the longest time, it was: who cares if - - - -, I'll be dead at 24.

And now, that's not the case.

Now, I have people in my life who love me, and that would not survive hearing I died. I've never had that before, and I've never had people to live for before. It's terrifying.

This is both the best and the worst feeling in the world... to know that I get to live for them and that I'm not allowed to die.

Now that my plans include growing old, which is such a WEIRD fucking thought for me. I mean fuck, I've tried to die and begged for death for so many years. I can still feel the pain of my kidneys shutting down, and now I take daily vitamins to stay 'healthy'????

FUCK

No one ever talks about how FUCKING ODD life is after ';'

They just tell you.... fuck, they don't tell you. People have always avoided talking about this. They just talk about how 'greateful they are to be alive' and all the bullshit about how great life is!

And it is, but it's also, it is terrifying. I go to work and talk and smile to people in passing glances. I have a regular, schmegular life, and in the back of my mind when having a conversation about something so insignificant like "do you like pineapple on your pizza?" While I'm thinking about how I thought about walking into traffic that morning.

YES I DO LIKE PINEAPPLE ON MY PIZZA, AND I CAN EAT WHAT THE FUCK EVER I WANT NOW BECAUSE ME AND MY BODY DESERVE GOOD THINGS!

...I'm looking at all the scars on my body and... idk man, I don't hate them anymore, but I wish I had been kinder to myself. When I think about making new ones I just have some water and a granola bar instead.

Such a stupid fucking internal dialog too 'hey you wanna do something bad to your body?' "Nah, lets have a snack instead" lmao

And 90% of the time, it actually works!

I love my support group, and I know I stress them out. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to say they were loved. I mean, my friends are flying into town for my "congrats on beating your record for consecutive days alive" birthday party 😂 and ik its gonna make a lot of people uncomfortable, but its not for them. I like living for me.

Anyways... Now that my plans include growing old, I have to take care of my body. And I'm so fucking excited to grow old that I can't even express it in words. I get to live and watch my friends live. I can have a family and make it as big as I want, fill it with all the love and kindness the world never showed me. I want that. And I am so excited to experience the days as they come. I'm ready to be the kindness for others that no one was for me.

I still think about it all the time. And sometimes, it's really hard to push those thoughts away. Some days, it still feels like I'm drowning. Some days, I think how easy it'd have been if the thoughts had won.

And other days, I get to smile at strangers, or have a yummy drink, or feel the warm Sun on my skin in the cool autumn breeze, or eat sushi, or gossip with someone that loves me. Hell, even getting to write the damn stupid vampire fanfics is a good day for living, lol.

I am so excited to help other people live, too...

But also, fuck. Now I have to take care of myself??? It's not just "dang, i got tenitus?" *shrugs in suicide*

GAH

But also, yay. Lol.

Life is so fucking weird man. But it's good to be alive. 🩷

[ill-heart]

Brothers of Anarchy (a Jalim motorbike and leather UA)

As I promised before, here it comes, my Sons of Anarchy UA for Jason and Salim! Even if you don't know the serie (which is a great one, you should watched it), you can read it with your eyes closed. The references are like... almost inexistent? It's mostly about motorbike and clubs.

Again, thanks to @kolchekyourweapons who inspired this monster. Gosh, I finished it but I'm sure I will get back to it soon... Maybe there will be a collection of stories, maybe.

For now, enjoy the beast!

Summary: Jason is a biker in the well-known Semper Fi Motorcycle Club, a club which saved him from hell. He likes the club, he likes his buddy but there's still something missing in his life. Someone, more precisely, and maybe the club can offers him that too.

Pairing: Jason Kolchek/Salim Othman

Words: ~ 7 k

Chapters: 1/1

**

The garage smelled the men’s sweat and a mixed of copper and iron, with a small touch of dust in the air. It was messy, full of pieces of machinery and tools, however everyone who worked here was always able to find what they needed. An outsider couldn’t, but there none of them were allowed in this sanctuary. Only Semper Fi’s members and their friends could walk into this big room, where motorbikes and cars could be repaired by precises hands. Some of their chicks liked to come in here, because they enjoyed observing their partners’ work or just because it made them wet.

Jason couldn’t blame them, he always felt safe and comfortable in this garage. And the club, the Semper Fi’s gang, was everything he had in this shitty life of his. For sure, it wasn’t easy every day, but he wouldn’t trade any of it for anything; not even for all the world’s gold. As he crawled under an old bike, face’s covered with engine oil, he let his thoughts took him years ago. Years before he found this piece of Heaven.

Life at the farm was hard, and his mother didn’t make it easier for his sister and him. Bitter and obsessed with faith, she left her children alone for hours, even for days, just so she could do her sermons on the street or at the local church. And when she came home… Jason’s hands tightened on his screwdriver, she accused her own flesh and blood to be unworthy. Her fingers weren’t made for hugs and caresses, they were for slaps and punishments. Her cold heart locked Mels and him into the cellar for stupid things. If they didn’t feed the animals properly? Cellar. If Mels talked to much about a guy at school? Cellar. If Jason showed any sign of rebellion? Cellar again. Sometimes, she liked to beat them; not as much as people thought, yet it was enough for the kids to run away. Oh, they tried so many times to escaped this hell, but no one helped them. Their mother was respected and for everyone’s mouth blamed the children. Bullshit.

When Jason finally grew eighteen, he fled the farm and ended in this city; Charming it was called. It wasn’t a big one, nor a small one; more like gap between sprawling cities and obscurantism villages. Charming it was, indeed. They got their own cinema, four or five pretty goods diners, three schools, two campus and universities and one big hospital. Lot of families established around it, seduced by the name and the publicity. Not a perfect town, but no one was.

The young man didn’t think he would stick around when he first came here. He stayed because he hadn’t any plans nor friends and fell into drugs very quickly. With his sister still stuck at his childhood’s home, his loneliness took over him. What a wreck he was back then: always angry, always violent; in life but also in bed. He hurt so many hearts and faces, made so many eyes cried and had debt with every dealer in town. The cops knew him well; some of them were nice, others liked to arrest him and mock him. Then, someone offered him a hand. Jed. The International President of the Semper Fi Motorcycle Club helped this poor soul of his, gave him a job, a purpose, and a family. One he could really rely on.

“What ya doin’ big bro of mine?” The screwdriver almost escaped his fingers as his whole body jumped in surprise. For fuck sake, Mels! He groaned then looked upon the bike, where his sister gazed at him with amused eyes. “Mels, really?! I’m workin’ here.”

“Nothin’ can’t stop me to annoy my big bro.” She answered before she kneeled and watched the damage on the bike. “It’s Clarice Strokes’s bike, na?”

As curious as always. Jason rolled his eyes then smiled as he took a closer look at Mels’s face.

When he wanted to become Jed club’s member, the old man proposed to find his sister and protect her from their mother. Jason haven’t thought about this selfless idea too much; he said yes. And so there she was, safe and sound, at his side. Women couldn’t join the club, but they could be shield by one of them. So, when Mels started working at the bar owned by the gang, no one laid dirty hands on her. Not a single man, nor their mother. Jed kept his promise and Jason’s couldn’t thank him enough for it. God knew how bad they could have turned without him and his club.

The young biker nodded then sighed. He was a naughty grin spread on his sister’s lips. “When are ya gonna make her yar old lady?”

“Never.” He growled abruptly before Mels laugh filled the garage. “Hey, she’s waitin’ for ya to make a move.”

“Well, she can wait. I ain’t interest with romance and… Those stupid things.”

His youngest leaned closer then asked, with bantered pupils: “Ya just want a hole to fuck from time to time?”

“Yeah, exactly.” His lips hissed with annoyance. “So shut the fuck up and let me work.” Mels sticked her tongue out, and when Jason thought, she was done tormenting him, her hands grabbed his cap and she stormed out of the garage, laughing. “Ya should treat ya ladies better, asshole!”

“Get back here, ya lil’ punk!” He tried to get up, but the motorcycle grumbled at him and started shaking. Jason had to hold the damn thing by the wheel so it wouldn’t crush him. Many insults came out his mouth as he gesticulated under the big and beautiful machinery, then he heard someone’s coming in.

In a blink of an eye, he recognized his best friend, Nick whose voice seemed confused. “Why was your sister laughing with your cap between her fingers?”

Yeah… It’s fucking worth it, the young man thought as he chased her sibling into the bar. Even if he couldn't be himself in every domain, here felt like Heaven.

“Ya don’t want to know!” He finally escaped the bike embraced and rushed outside. Jason spotted the little monster before the bar and run behind her. Mels giggled and he couldn’t help but smiled; his life was definitely better here, with the Semper Fi. Even if it wasn’t what he expected, it made her littler sister laughed and so it was worth it.

۩๑ ๑۩

“Why do you have to see him this time?” Nick questioned with an eyebrow raised.

They have crossed the whole city at least twice today, thanks to Jed’s worries about their rival’s action. Jason didn’t mind those rides, especially when he was sent with his best-friend. He wouldn’t like no one else than Nick to kick some ass with him. They joined the club the same day and enjoyed each other’s presence since then. Both of them protected the other, and they also liked same alcohols and movies. One of the few things that separated them, was their taste in women.

Nicky fancied older ladies, blond or ginger with a fearless temper. Ya seemed to enjoy when a woman gets bossy with ya in bed, Jason joked about his friend’s fondness at least one per week. And so his friend struck back with the whole Clarice’s situation.

She was a gorgeous lady, with the perfect amount of ripeness and this damn hot spicy temper. Before Jason, she fucked another member of the club, Joey. Everyone thought she would become his old lady, but the poor man was shot one year ago by their rival’s gang. He died on the spot, and after weeks of grieving and drinking, Clarice and Jason became closer. They fucked once, because they were both drunk, then again, and again. Other members noticed and were now rooting for them. They gave them wink, and endless innuendo in hope they would end up together soon. Urgh, I ain’t needed an old lady.

Even though, he enjoyed fucking with Clarice it didn’t feel… Well, he didn’t love her that way. This woman was more like a sex-friend, so were all the woman he lured to his bed. Jason never felt anything for them, because he…

A sweet breeze made him shivering as he rode down his precious bike. The sun reigned on the sky today, and the nice weather watched over Charming. Nick sighed then looked around them. The area was mostly empty, despite the kind wind kissing buildings and trees. Most of the people were at their work, just like the man Jason came here to see.

In front of the two Semper Fi’s member, stood the Cat’s library. A simple establishment owned by a sweet man called Salim Othman. He was an immigrant, just like his son, and settled in the city three years ago. At first, Jason didn’t like him, nor trust him because of… Well, the biker blushed, ‘cause he was a foreigner. But when Mels started hanging with the man’s son, he was forced to reconsider his prejudices; because Salim Othman was one of the best people he met in this town. He had a strict side, balanced with an open-mind and a naughty habit of cynical jokes. He never yelled, always talked softly, and calmed most of the arguments he was involved in; at least, if the fuckers annoying him weren’t too bastard with him. And when they pushed it too far, Salim beat the shit out of them.

Jason saw him fight once, and… Fuck, Salim is so hot when he kicks ass.

Now, the younger man found himself hanging into his library for hours, just so he could enjoy the man’s sweet behavior and infinite knowledge about books. He got it from his son, as he repeated it all day. Zain is all I have left in this world. His boy didn’t seem to realize, but his father was a fucking good man. For him, who lost his father and was punished by his mother’s hands all day, Salim felt like a proper dad. Not perfect but still trying his best for Zain and it was enough for Jason.

“Ya can go, I might stay here for a while.” He finally confessed to his friend, who sighed again. “When did you become such a sucker for old books?”

“Hey, every man has his secrets, Nicky.” Jason narrowed his eyes, then gently punched his shoulder. “And ya can’t force me to answer.”

“Na, it’s true. But be careful though…” The American put his arm around his friend’s shoulders. “You don’t want to be caught reading porn in here.”

Without any delicacy, Jason pushed him away and groaned despitefully. “Hey, it ain’t ‘cause I’m enjoyin’ sex that I think about it all day. Really, ya and Mels should get laid!”

Nicky smiled, and his friend knew what he was about to say before the words even left his mouth. “I pegged Rachel earlier, you know, when you weren’t looking.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure she’s the one peggin’ ya.” His friend answered with a mysterious glare, then got on his own motorcycle again. “Spoilers.” He greeted Jason then started the engine. The bike loudly purred in the street, then drove his owner away as Jason adjusted his leather on his body and his cap on his head. God, he felt gorgeous in these clothes.

He gazed at his motorbike, rested his hand on the black and lustrated wheel, then murmured softly: “Don’t worry, I ain’t goin’ too far.” The vehicle answered with silence, but Jason took it as encouragement and so he finally let go. “Yeah, ya right. He’s waitin’ for me… I guess.” Jason shrugged his shoulders and entered the Cat’s Library, smile spreading on his pink lips.

The smell of plants and books overwhelmed him the moment he opened the front door. The place was sightly decorated, full of shelf and bookcase cracking under the weight of hundreds of books. Each part of the place seemed well organized; each book rightly categorized by skilled hands. Four plants were suspended from the ceiling and gave an irresistible charm to the library. Walls were repainted in beige and brown tone, and a soft music ran through Jason’s ears as he gazed at the beauty of the shop. Sometimes, he felt like the forest found him and invaded the library to comfort him. It reminded him the nature surrounded his father’s farm, and the games he played with Mels for hours when they were younger.

He liked being in here, if though reading wasn’t something he enjoyed doing. He read books once, but only for his sister before they both sleep in their tiny room. Mels could listened fairytales stories for days if he was the one narrated it. But they weren’t children anymore, and his youngest didn’t need foolish stories to dream about a better life. She lived it, with him by his side.

Footsteps at the back of the library banished the thought, and soon enough the owner of it appeared, an enormous pile of books resting on his arms. “Oh…” A smile spread on his mouth as he recognized Jason. “Seems like I won’t get bored today after all.”

Instantly, Jason rushed to him and took some of his volumes. Lucky him, Mels wasn’t there to mock him with a cynical comment as such as “What a gentleman”. He would have looked daggers at her, and she would have replied something smart; but mostly embarrassing. “I can give ya a hand, if ya need.”

A spark of amusement lightened in the librarian eyes, as he leaned closer. “What a gentleman, I thought bikers were more like… Big bad boys?”

Jason answered with an aggressive moan, but it didn’t change his mind. He kept the books between his arms, holding them with as much gentleness as he could, then followed the man on the alleys. Mels is coming here to often, she's infecting him with her stupid jokes, goddamn it. As he cursed his little sister for her chaotic behavior, Salim started putting books in the different shelfs, eyes on his friend. “You’ve just missed Zain.” The Iraqi said softly.

“Really?” The biker sighed before his pupils gazed at the windows of the library. Salim’s son admired him, and the whole club. Everyone knew he wanted to become part of it too, but Jed… Well, the laws of the club forbidden it. Zain wasn’t… Jason nervously shrugged his shoulders as he felt the weight in his arms disappearing. “I’m sure he’s gonna han’ out with my sis’.”

“I don’t know. He left the library with such a…” The older man sighed then looked away, suddenly ashamed of his behavior. “I’m sorry, I know the club don’t care about it.”

“I care.” Jason answered without hesitation, but when he saw his friend’s cheeks coloring with red, he started regretting his impulsivity. “I mean… Fuck.” Now, he was blushing too, and his beloved cap didn’t hide it enough at his taste. Real’ smooth, Jason. Real’ smooth. “What I wanted to say was… Hm… Zain is Mels’s friend, and the friends of our family are just like… Family?” Fuck, it was miserable. He cursed again, despite his cap and leather, Jason felt like he was naked in front of Salim.

“Jason, that’s…” Before the librarian could answered properly, Jason’s ears caught the throbbing of motorbikes; too many of them. His eyebrows frowned, he looked through the windows again and saw… Guns. “Salim!”

In a blink of an eye, Jason threw himself on the other man and made them both fall on the ground. The moment their bodies touched the wooden floor, the shooting started. Outside, bikers with guns drowned the library under sustained shots. A scared whining escaped Salim mouth as he covered his ears and stayed still on the ground. Jason shielded him with his own body, eyes closed as his thoughts raced in his mind.

And when the shooting finally stopped, he jumped on his feet and rushed outside the library. But the assailants were already leaving, riding their monstruous bikes to the horizon. Although Jason was fast enough to recognized the emblem on the back of their leathers. Chinese. His teeth grounded as he yelled furiously: “Bastards!” His scream was devoured by the roar of the bikes then he ran into the library to check on Salim.

The man skin was red, some shard of the window glass cut his face but nothing deadly. Not a single bullet hurt him, however his eyes were full of suffering. Around him, broken shelfs, ripped open books and terracotta mixed with dirt and plants. The library was ruined.

“I couldn’t…” Salim’s pain transformed into pure rage as he cried fiercely, “Some of those books’ edition worth three months of pay!”

Jason drawn himself closer to his friend, worries dancing in his gaze. “Salim are ya alri…”

“It’s not important! Look at the mess they made!” The biker’s skin shivered as the older man started collecting books with hurry. Salim, despite not belonging to any club, was an impressive man; strong and stubborn who put his librarian well-care before his. Passionate. This part of him… It was impossible for Jason to stay indifferent about it.

“Careful here, ‘ll give ya a hand.” He said before putting his fingers upon his friend’s. The Iraqi seemed so calm down, then sighed desperately as he looked the damages. “Who was it?”

“Chinese.” Jason answered quickly before he raised his eyebrows with confusion. “But I ain’t understandin’ shit. Jed made a deal with them, months ago, we’re supposed to be allies. So why are they attackin' us?”

At his side, Salim’s face darkened. “Could it be… By Allah… I hope it’s not Zain’s fault.”

“Why would it be?”

The older man rubbed his temples, obviously tired and overrun. “You know how much he wanted to join the Semper Fi’s club… And he… He is acting strangely since he had that conversation with Jed.” Jason’s eyes lowered as he remembered that day. The day his President almost beat the shit out of Zain because he didn’t understand why he couldn’t join the club. How could he? Jason thought sadly, we crushed this boy’s dream with harsh words. The biker stayed in touch with the boy, just like his sister did but maybe… The trail of his thought was interrupted by the librarian’s flickering voice. “I fear he got himself into troubles to prove his worth.” Salim eyes wide opened as he put a shaky hand on his mouth, tears at the edge of his hand. “By Allah, if something happened to him…”

“Hey, hey… Calm down, Salim.” Jason held his friend’s shoulders between his hands and looked at him deeply. “I will ask Nick and Eddie to watch over the library, okay? In the meantime, Merwin will escort ya home and I will search for yer boy. Got it?”

After a heavy silence, during which Salim watched over the ripped books and the mess made by the bikers, he finally looked at Jason again. “I can’t let you search for Zain alone. He is my son, Jason.”

“Yeah, he is. And if those bastards want to make Zain pay for anything, they’ll come after ya too. They almost shot ya here, so the best thin’ ya can do for yer son… Is to wait at home. Okay?”

In the older man’s eyes, Jason saw worries, reason, and deep fear fighting. He looked at his teeth biting his lips and his fingers strengthened on his shirt. “I…” He closed his mouth then nodded, but the biker knew he felt useless. “Don’t worry, Sal’… I’ll find yer boy and send it back to ya.”

۩๑ ๑۩

Waiting for Nick, Merwin and Eddie seemed like an eternity. By the time they got in the library, the cops were already there and harassing Salim with all kinds of questions. Most of them laid distrustful eyes on the bikers, but Eddie and Nick convincing them and so they could stay. Eddie was an old man and scholar man, always strict but polite with people. He liked poetry and even though children weren’t his cup of tea, most of the kids in the block loved his stories. He could become goofy and playful with them; perfect image of a loving grandfather. Just like Jed, adults trusted his words and cops easily yielded before his eloquence.

When the cops started questioning the neighborhood, Jason explained the whole situation with his friend. Of course, everyone worried about the attack and so Jed was called in an instant. Eddie took care of him, luckily for the three other bikers. No one calmed their President’s fury like the sixtieth man; not even his old lady.

Soon after the call, Jason promised Salim he would find his boy and vanished on the streets with his faithful bike.

He knew the boy’s habits, so he rushed into different places where Zain liked to chill alone or with Mels. The teenager was nowhere to be found, and so pure dread started invading Jason guts. Salim would never survive if something bad happened to his son, everyone at the club knew this simple fact. But when he feared the worst, he got a call from his sister. Her voice, devoid of amusement, ordered him to meet her at the old bridge. He knew which one it was before she even said the name.

In a matter of ten minutes, he managed to reach the bridge. Left unfinished years ago, when a stupid project for the aggrandizement of the town was abandoned. Jason knew the place by heart, for he came burying bodies and stroke some deal with others Semper Fi’s members and their rival gang.

The moment he put his crash helmet away, someone whistled in the distance. Mels. He whistled back and his sister appeared behind a dense bush with… Zain. Mels held his hand between her fingers, and gazed at surrounding area; obviously, she wanted to be sure her brother wasn’t followed. Jason’s fingers tightened on the gun he kept with him all the time, then he came closer to the teenagers.

“How did ya end up here?” He asked with worry.

“I borrowed Clarice’s bike.” As Jason’s lips twisted with disapproval, Mels added: “Yeah, I know it was dangerous and if somethin’ happened to it, I’ll pay.” He sighed then turned to face Zain. The boy carefully avoided his eyes, but the ex-junkie couldn’t let him get away. “Zain, what happened?”

Zain seemed to shrink then started shaking. “I… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…” Mels hugged him, tried her best to calm the anxiety rising in his voice and body, as Jason kneeled before the boy. “Yer dad is freakin’ out right now, and the Chinese’s gang destroyed the library so ya have to come clean with me, Zain.”

Most of the Semper Fi’s club would have shaken the boy or screamed at him, but not Jason; for he knew how stressful it already was for the Iraqi boy. He could never hurt a child nor a teenager. Never.

And after a moment of sobbing, Zain finally explained what happened. Last night, when he was brooding around the Chinese’s block, he heard them talking about betraying the other club. At first, he thought he might rush to the garage and tell the story, then he wondered if defending the club wouldn’t allow him to join it later. Zain returned home, prepared some Molotov cocktail, sneaked into the Chinese’s garage and threw it on every carelessly. Of course, he was spotted and since he yelled about defending the Semper’s Fi reputation… It escalated quickly. So the library’s just a warnin’.

“Shit.” Jason let out with worry.

“I’m… I’m sorry I shouldn’t have…” Zain started crying between Mels arms. Suddenly Jason pulled him closer and placed his hands on the boy’s cheeks. “Zain, what was fuckin’ brave. Stupid ‘cause goin’ on a mission like that without any back up could have get ya killed, but brave anyway.”

Salim’s son’s eyes lightened with admiration. Gosh, this kid ‘s really into me.

He wiped Zain’s tears then straightened up as Mels looked at the road. “What are we gonna do, Jason?”

“I’ll call Jed and we’re gonna go on a lockdown at the garage. ‘Cause I’m sure the Chinese won’t stop with Salim’s library.”

“Would have been good though.” His sister said bitterly.

“Okay, Mels ya take Zain with ya. I’ll escort ya to the garage right fuckin’ now.”

Brother and sister shook they head, and two bikes thrummed on the deserted roads.

۩๑ ๑۩

In less than two hours, every member’s family sat in the bar owned by the club. Jason talked to Jed then the President took Zain on their meeting room for one-to-one conversation. The biker did his best, so Jed wouldn’t be to hard on him, but this whole situation was so messed up… I’aint got damn a clue ‘bout what will happen next.

He looked for Salim in the different rooms, but when his path met Merwin’s without the Iraqi, Jason feared the worst. “Why… Dude, why aren’t ya with Salim?!”

“For fuck sake, Jason! He’s a man, he can handle himself. I’ve got a wife and a child to take care of right now.” On these words, Jason put his helmet and leather on then rushed outside. He found his bike, waiting for him in the parking, then rode to Salim’s place.

He lived in a peaceful area of Charming, in a small and simple house. For a father and his only son, it was enough. The owned a garden where Salim planted a lot of things, like pumpkins or strawberries, onions and carrots, etc. He was amazing at cooking, but frankly bad when it came to bakery. Jason didn’t complain though, for he liked to taste his friend’s culinary experience. It gave him some time to spare with the librarian and to admire the beauty of his smile, of his laughter but also of his tentative lips… Fuck, why am I thinkin’ ‘bout this right now?!

Jason shook his head and knocked at the door. “Salim?” Nobody answered. “Salim, ya there?” He knocked again then muted himself. For a moment, he stayed there before the front door. Suddenly, he hard something… Something like… A stifled cry! Without hesitation, he kicked down the door with his boots and rushed into the house.

“Jason!” There, in the living room, three men were holding Salim and trying to shut him out. Another one spotted Jason and when their eyes met, he took his gun aimed it at the librarian’s face. “One move and your friend here is dead.”

The biker put his arms up, and something heavy fell on his head. His legs weaken, his eyes closed, and unconscious took over him. Fuck… Salim… ‘M sorry.

۩๑ ๑۩

When his eyelids opened again, a terrible headache made him whined. The back of his head hurt, and he felt sick at the blurry world surrounding him. His hands were tied in his back, and his body had been carelessly thrown on a wet cellar. The place was dark, but a fin ray of light helped him examined the area.

After two, or maybe three, seconds adjusting to the obscurity, he saw a body laying at his side. “Salim!”

The other man seemed to awoke at his call, and their anxious gaze finally met. “Ja… Jason? Are you okay?” Salim managed to kneel and started looking at his friend’s features. “By Allah, they haven’t been kind with you…”

“Don’t worry ‘bout me, I’m fine.”

“No. No, you are not.” The Iraqi’s hands were tied like his, but it didn’t stop him from getting closer. “I’m… I am so sorry… If I had been more careful, they wouldn’t have…”

“Hey, Sal’… If it wasn’t ya, they would have kidnapped another person. So, let go of your bullshit, okay?”

Salim’s eyes widen in shock, but he finally nodded and fell on his butt, with low eyes and shivering body. A minute or two passed then a smile stretched his lips as he hummed with amusement: “I never thought you could be so… Bossy.”

Jason’s tongue slammed against his teeth, before he nervously asked: “Got a problem with it?”

The older man giggled and answered with a strange light dancing in his eyes: “No… Quite the contrary, if I can be honest.”

Fuck, Jason thought as he felt his cheeks and ears blushing, is he flirtin’ with me right now? Before he could guess an answer, Salim’s grin faded, and worry replaced amusement in his gaze. “I… I just hope they didn’t find Zain…”

“No, don’t worry, I found him!”

“Really?” Salim’s asked as hope shook his whole body. “Is my boy safe?”

“Yeah… Mels and I took him to the garage. The club will protect yer son now.”

A sigh of relief escaped the Iraqi’s mouth as tension left his muscles and shoulders. He seemed to relax at Jason’s side, even though he was still tied in their enemies’ cellar. “When… When my wife left us…” Salim confessed while looking at the cold floor. “I believed I would let myself drowned into sorrow… But Zain was… Zain did everything he could to make my smile, and to make me proud of him. I don’t know what I would have become without him, without my precious son.”

Jason’s heart started racing in his chest as he leaned closer. He touched Salim’s shoulder with his and smile softly. “Ya raised a courageous boy, Salim.”

“Thanks, Jason, I… I wasn’t a good parent, I know, but he… By Allah, he gave me the strength to fight and live for him.”

Just like Mels did for me back then. Jason smiled then Salim put his temples against the biker’s shoulder. “Do you think we’re going to die?” He asked casually, like he wasn’t bother by the idea of dying now.

“No, the club will come for us.”

“Yes but… I don’t…”

“Hey, Salim, listened to me.” Jason glanced at his friend’s round face, took a deep breath to find courage then asked in a hurry: “Did ya ever… Did ya ever ride a bike?”

The older man’s answered with a confused look. “I don’t… No… No, I didn’t.”

“Then, let me say somethin’ to ya… When we’ll get out of here, and we will, I’ll take ya on a lil’ trip. How’s that sound?”

“I…” In the darkness, the ex-junkie saw his friend’s ears flushed. “I thought only old ladies could ride a bike with you…”

“I don’t fuckin’ care. I don’t want a fuckin’ old lady in my life. I just want…”

I just want you. But before he could confess his love, the one that made him craved from Salim’s presence at his side, shooting started echoing upon their head. ‘Must be the Jed and Nick…

He heard Chinese’s mumbling and screaming through the shots, then he recognized Nicky’s voice yelling at the men. A Chinese biker stormed on the cellar, eyes filled with fears as he jumped on Jason’s and put him on his feet. “Jason!” Salim tried to stop their opponent, but the man punched his forehead with his feet and aimed his gun at Jason’s temples. “You’ll get me out of here, and maybe I’ll spare your life.” The sharp voice ran through his mind, made him shivered as he watched over Salim. “’Kay! ‘Kay, I will! But only if ya left Salim alone.”

“Jason, no!”

But the afraid Chinese biker already pulled himself and Jason back to the light. And despite the shooting, his friends and enemies screams, Jason could only hear Salim’s desperate yells for him.

۩๑ ๑۩

More than once, Jason feared the shaking hand of his kidnapper would press the trigger. He felt his heart racing and his nails cutting his palm as they got out of the house. Nick and Jed watched him, guns raised in the Chinese man’s direction, but none of them wanted to risk Jason’s life with a bullet.

The biker was pulled into a car, the man opened the cuff and ordered him to drive them both away. When he gazed at the house, the one he was locked in before, he saw Salim trying to rush after him and his best friend holding the librarian by the shoulders.

He drove for an hour, maybe two, until the man at his side relaxed a little. Then he was violently tossed out of the car by the Chinese. He almost broke a leg, however some god might have watched over him because he only got small cuts and wounds. Nothing deadly.

As the night fell on the big and empty road, Jason walked back for hundred miles. The fatigue viciously whispered to his ear, told him to rest at the side of the road but he kept going. The Chinese biker could return for him after all, he could regret letting him go alive and search for him. He could shoot him like an animal, so Jason hurried himself.

He walked for hours in the cold, until a van appeared on the horizon. From the distance, he recognized Eddie behind the wheel and Nicky at his side. Fuck, they’re here. His friend rushed to him, and Jason collapsed into his arms.

۩๑ ๑۩

Jed took a good care of these Chinese liars. There was a blood bath in the Chinese’s block, but it couldn’t have been otherwise. Many men died, two of their prospects but mostly men of the other club. No one else was hurt in the process, and the new President of the Chinese Motorcycle Club was forced to concede a part of his territory and to pledge allegiance to Jed and his friends.

It was a bitter end, however the club had been put through worst these past few years.

Of course, Jed tried to punish Zain for his stupidity but… Everyone in the club took the boy’s side. And since he proved himself to be brave and fearless, the President finally accepted to made a prospect out of him. There was a long discussion about this, long and punctuated with raising eyebrows and doubtful mouths, but Zain was accepted. He shouldn’t have been able to, since the club’s rules refused immigrants, but an exception couldn’t hurt anyone from time to time.

The boy was so happy, he rushed through the bar owned by Jed and… Well… He kissed Mels in front of the children surrounding the young woman. The President acted like he didn’t see anything, Merwin and Nicky laughed about it, as for Eddie… Eddie just sighed something about being youth and full of needs. As for Jason, he only gave his warning to Zain and Mels. After all, he knew how hard to able his sister was and so he wanted the teenager to be ready for what was coming for him. Mels wouldn’t let go of him, and if Zain broke her heart, she would kick his ass like no one else.

Then Nicky and Jason had a word in private. It wasn’t supposed to be something too serious, but after so many years of friendship and so many nights of hiding the truth, Jason finally gave in. “Nicky, I’ve got… I’ve got somethin’ to tell ya, buddy.” The other man stayed silent, maybe he guessed what his friend wanted to talk about; after all, he seemed to know when his buddy lied and when he told the truth. “Nicky, I’m… I’m gay.”

He feared his friend’s judgment, feared terrible words and a broken friendship. He feared anything but Nicky only smiled, put on hand on his shoulder and hugged him firmly against his own body. “I know, Jason. I know and… Really, I don’t fucking care as long as you are happy.” For the first time in years, Jason allowed his tears to run down his face.

Everything happened so fast, Jason wasn’t able to see Salim before two days. Two days at the end of which, he knocked at his friend’s door, nervous and blushing like a stupid teenager.

The door opened and the librarian eyes goggled at the man in leather. “… Jason?”

“… Yeah… Hm… I…” Before he could excuse himself, Salim grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer. He hugged him, on arm placed around the neck and the other resting against the ex-junkie’s chest. “Jason, I thought… I thought I would never see you again…”

After a moment of bewilderment, Jason embraced him too. “Yeah… Yeah, me too.”

Salim’s beating heart against his, Salim’s spicy fragrance against his nose, Salim’s warm and red lips against his neck, Salim’s body against his; finally.

“Hey…” The biker’s mouth raised in a soft grin. “Yer actin’ like an old lady now.”

“I could become yours, if you asked me.” And when Jason blinked in shock, the Iraqi put his lips on his. He kissed him gently but with an irrepressible passion. His tongue licked the ex-junkie lips and got into his mouth; eager to discover every part of it.

Jason regained his thought and pulled the man even closer. One hand grabbed Salim’s hip and the other held into his shirt. They kissed hungrily, then Salim made them withdrew until his back hit the front door. They both moaned against each other’s mouth, and when their lungs were begging for air, their eyes met.

They laughed, both of them. Then kissed once more, while the moon’s shape stretched in a soft smile.

Jason was the first to let go, suddenly shy and face covered in red. “Fuck… No one ever kissed me like that.”

And Salim nervously answered: “I… I was caught up in the moment…”

They giggled with their nose caressed each other, then Jason confessed with a low voice. “Can I… Can I come in? I ain’t against kissin’ but I would enjoy some privacy.”

The Iraqi smiled then guided him into the entrance. By the time he closed the door, Jason jumped on his lips once more.

And under the mighty moon, the house filled with their moans and whining as they laid in Salim’s bed, both hungry for each other flesh.

۩๑ ๑۩

“Ready, Salim?” Jason gazed at his lover as he put a helmet on his curly hair and adjusted his jacket on his shoulder.

“I… I think, I am.” The librarian looked at the bike, a little bit nervous when Jason invited him to get on behind him. “Please, be kind with this old man… I don’t want to fall.”

“Ya just got to hold on tight, darlin’.” Salim giggled at the pet name, his ears becoming red again. He placed his arm around Jason’s belly and obeyed his sweet advice. “So… Where are you taking me, my dear gentleman in leather clothes?”

“Wherever ya want, darlin’.” The biker felt his lover smile on his back, and the bike started throbbing. Salim’s hands tightened as he whispered softly: “Where I can be your old man forever, Habibi.”

And the bike led his owner and his lover into the far horizon; far away, where Salim could become an old man and Jason could finally love who he liked.

[cocobeanncteez]

ATEEZ San: The Calm After The Storm. (Oneshot)

Genre: angst, fluff, mafia au.

Pairing: Mafia!San x Reader (fem)

Word count: 3.5k

Inspiration: Fifty Shades Freed

Warnings: profanities, alcohol, blood, guns, death, violence.

"What the fuck is this?!" you asked through gritted teeth, throwing the freshly printed photos at San's chest.

Your husband didn't have to look at them to know what you were talking about; his men had already reported to him that you watched the entire recording of him seducing his... target. 

"Babe—"

"No, San!" you yelled, cutting him off. "This is the fifth fucking time!"

"But the other one time wasn't about this."

"The other three, now four times were!" he was really getting on your nerves.

"Why are you overreacting?" he questioned with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Y/N, you knew I had no choice."

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, trying to control your anger. "I understand that you had to seduce her. I know that it's your job," you tried to say calmly, but your voice was rising. "What I don't understand is why you let her slip her fucking hand into your pants after you got the damn information that you wanted!"

San visibly gulped; he didn't expect you to be this angry. He thought he was well prepared to face you after mentally forming the situation in his head. He knew you'd be pissed, but not to this extent.

"I pushed her away though," he mumbled, running a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, after like, five minutes," you retort. "And the worst part was that you were clearly enjoying yourself in those five minutes! Do you know her or something?"

San sighed deeply, ignoring the question. "Babe, look, I'm sorry," he apologized, not sure about what else he could say to calm you down. Your husband took your hand in his. "I won't do it again, I promise."

You immediately ripped your hand away from his, rolling your eyes. "That's what you always say, San." He took a deep breath; you were testing his patience and he didn't like people doing that.

"San," you start, "How would you feel if you saw a guy kissing me and I get carried away and let him touch me?"

That struck him. Hard. He would hate it, obviously. San wouldn't even hesitate to put a bullet through the man's head if he touched you in any way.

San's silence gave you the answer. "That's what I thought," you snorted.

"Y/N, I'm sorry," San apologized again. "But I still had to do it and you know that."

"Whatever," you mumbled and turned around, heading to your room; he still didn't understand just how much it hurt you. It was already worse enough that you had to witness him kiss and touch all those women. But witnessing San let another woman touch him in the place where only you're allowed to, not only pissed you off, but also hurt you deeply. As the seducer of the mafia gang, he was literally trained to not get carried away; his only job was to get whatever information was needed. San was a very, very skilled seducer and you knew that damn well. Although he did get carried away a few times, he never let his targets touch him. So you couldn't understand why he let that happen now. You texted Yunho (your bestfriend and San's close friend) to ask about that woman, knowing that he would never lie to you.

Your anger increased when Yunho replied: "Oh, she hooked up with San a couple of times back in high school." You snorted in annoyance; so he let her touch him just because he knew her?

Your thoughts were interrupted by your phone's notification going off. Your friends were planning to go clubbing tonight as it was a Saturday. You were going to decline, knowing that San wouldn't let you go if he wasn't with you, but you decided against it; you had a plan in mind and you knew it would work.

You ignored San the entire afternoon. He tried to talk to you but you didn't even spare him a glance. He sighed, leaving you alone to cool down.

-

"Where are you going?" San asked, looking at you from head to toe, while your four year old daughter, Minhee, played with some toy aeroplanes.

"Clubbing," you answered without looking at him.

"You're not going anywhere," San said through gritted teeth. "Especially not wearing that." You were wearing denim shorts and a black lace bralette that showed off your cleavage more than you'd usually prefer. You purposely chose this outfit, of course, and he knew that.

"You don't get to decide where I go and what I wear," you stated. You walked over to your daughter, placing a kiss on her head. "Minnie," you called her by her nickname. "Mommy will be back soon, okay?" you said to your little angel before walking out the door.

-

"Y/N! You finally came!" one of your friends yelled, already drunk. She takes your hand and drags you through the crowd of people to get to the bar on the other side. "Three tequila shots for my friend here!"

A while later, you noticed Wooyoung and Mingi at the entrance of the club; you knew San would end up here as soon as he asks Seonghwa or Hongjoong to look after your daughter for the night.

And you were right.

San entered the club, dressed in all black, looking fucking hot. You wanted to go up to him and ask him to fuck you till you see stars; however, you were still pissed and had a plan to execute.

You quickly downed your shots and pulled your friend to join your other friends who were dancing. You danced with them until one of your friends introduced you to some random guys. One of the guys, who you found really good looking, started to dance with you. You noticed San sitting on a barstool, watching everything. At that moment, the guy you were dancing with put his hands on your waist, pulling you close to him, making San nearly break the glass he was holding. Perfect. Your plan was working.

When you glanced at where San was seated, he wasn't there anymore. You glanced around, searching for him until you felt a hand wrap around your wrist, dragging you away.

San dragged you downstairs where there were private rooms especially for him and his gang members as they owned this club. He took you to the room belonging to him, locking the door behind him.

"What the fuck were you doing?! How could you let him even lay a finger on you?!" your husband snarled through gritted teeth.

You snorted. "All he did was put his hands on my waist. At least he didn't slip them into my pants and touch me."

San now understood exactly why you did that; you were giving him a taste of his own medicine.

You moved to sit on the sofa, your legs starting to hurt from dancing so much. San kneeled down in front of you, placing his hands on the bare skin of your thigh. "Babe, I'm sorry. I'm an asshole, I know. But please understand that chick meant nothing to me. I didn't even know her."

You pushed his hands away from you. "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying," he lied.

"You hooked up with her in high school," you deadpanned.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath. He just fucked up again. "Y/N, I didn't mean to—"

You stood up from the couch. "No, fuck you, I'm done with you and your fucking bullshit," you snarled angrily, cutting him off, before making your way back to your friends.

"They might take this route instead, we can't predict what they'll do," Jongho said while moving around the meeting room; he was in charge of today's meeting on some mafia gang who had tried to hack into your gang's system to get information on your international drug deals.

During the meeting, your daughter's nanny called you. You declined the call, sending her a text that you were in a meeting. She called again and you ignored it, thinking she wouldn't have seen your message. When she called for the third time, you excused yourself from the meeting.

"I'm in a meeting, Jina, what is—"

"Mrs. Choi," she sobbed. "T-They took Minnie..."

"What?! Who?!" you felt your stomach churn uneasily.

"I-I don't know," Jina cried, "They beat me up at the park till I passed out and t-took her away. They said they would c-contact you."

"Where are you?" you asked.

"At a nearby hospital," she said. "An old couple brought me here."

"I'll be there in five," you said and hung up. You were just about to enter the meeting room, but an unknown number called you. You picked up, assuming it was your daughter's kidnappers since you never got calls from unknown numbers.

"You have a beautiful daughter, Choi Y/N," the man said. "I bet she would look even better with a slit throat, yeah?"

"Who are you? What do you want?" you asked, voice laced with venom.

The man chuckled. "It's simple, your fucking gang has to pay for my loss."

"Just tell me what the fuck you want!"

"Fifteen billion won in cash," he said. "That's the amount I lost because of you motherfuckers. Now listen to me carefully if you don't want your precious child dead. You aren't going to tell anyone about this. Not a word to your boss, Kim Hongjoong. Not a word to your pathetic husband, Choi San. I have eyes watching you, so don't try to act smart. I know you're having a meeting right now about a gang who tried to hack into your system." your eyes widened; how the fuck does this guy know? "I'm giving you three hours," he continued. "If you don't get the money within that time, I'll kill your daughter. Anyway, you'll find a black van waiting for you outside the bank. Your time starts now, Mrs. Choi. Tick tock, tick tock," he chuckled before hanging up.

"Fuck!" you yelled, tears spilling from your eyes. You ran your hand through your hair, trying to calm down; you felt like breaking down but you had to stay strong for your daughter. You wiped your tears before making your way back to the meeting room.

"I'm sorry, I'm feeling quite unwell," you mumbled, quickly collecting your stuff. "Please continue without me."

"Y/N, should I take you home?" San asked; you both still haven't made up from the fight you had a week ago. He tried to talk to you a few days ago, but it resulted in a bigger fight.

"No!" you half-yelled in frustration, startling some of the people in the room. "I'm fine," you said in a softer tone. You quickly left before San could follow you.

-

"Ah, Mrs. Choi, how can I help you?" the bank manager asked, taking a seat across you.

"I need fifteen billion won in cash," you stated, stunning the manager.

"Ma'am, that is a very large amount so cash isn't the best—"

"I need it in cash. It's really urgent," you said in an annoyed tone.

He gulped and nodded. "Please give me your national ID card."

You handed it to him, fiddling with your fingers while he entered your details into the computer system.

"You have a joint account with your husband, Choi San, correct?"

"Yes."

"Ma'am, we will need Mr. Choi's confirmation as he is the primary account holder."

You mentally cursed. "That won't be necessary," you stated, trying to control your anger.

The manager sighed. "All right, please give me a moment," he said before leaving the room.

You groaned in frustration, putting your head in your heads. You couldn't imagine what your little daughter was going through; you knew she would be scared to death. Your phone rang, interrupting your thoughts.

You declined the call when you saw it was your husband. When he called again, you had no choice but to pick it up, knowing he would keep calling you. "Hello?"

"Y/N, what are you doing? Why are you making such a huge transaction?" San questioned. You mentally cursed the bank manager for contacting San. "Y/N, answer me! What's wrong?" You just kept quiet, knowing you'd break down if you opened your mouth. You heard San take a deep breath. "Are you leaving me or something? Is this about the fights we've been having? I'm sorry about that, I know it was my fault and I don't deserve you, but please, let's talk about this," he begged, making your tears spill from your eyes. "Y/N, say something, please. Tell me what's wrong."

"I can't," you whispered, choking on a sob.

"Baby, please," he begged. "Don't leave me. Please, I'm begging you."

"I'm sorry, San."

There was silence on his end before he sighed. "Okay, take all the money you want," he said and hung up.

A moment later, the manager came into the room. "Ma'am, Mr. Choi has given his permission for the transaction. The procedure for huge cash transactions are of course different, so I need you sign a few papers and write a cheque. It'll take a little over half an hour to get the money in cash."

-

As soon as you got the cash, you called your daughter's kidnappers. "I assume you've got the money?"

"Yeah," you replied.

"Good. You'll see a black van from across the entrance of the bank," he said and hung up.

You quickly made your way outside, easily spotting the van. You crossed the street and got into the van.

You couldn't recognize the driver and the other man in the passenger seat. Your daughter wasn't even here.

"Good job, Mrs. Choi," the man in the passenger seat said with a smirk; you recognized him as the guy on the call.

"Where's my child?"

"Relax," he grinned. "We're going to her right now." He glanced at the driver who nodded and started driving.

"Ah, give me your phone," the man said. "We don't need your husband tracking us." You hesitantly gave it and he switched it off.

After what felt like hours, you reached an old building. As soon as you got outside the car, you spotted your daughter tied to a wall, unconscious with a bleeding head.

"Minhee!" you yelled, running to her.

Before you could untie her, you felt an arm go around your neck, choking you. Even though you were trained to fight, you weren't the best at it. Nevertheless, you tried to free yourself. You kicked the man in the shin, making his grip around you loosen. You took that opportunity to bite his hand before turning around, punching him in the face. You kept punching him until two other men grabbed you. You managed to get one of them injured by repeatedly kicking his private area, but the other guy one was too strong. He easily picked you and threw you onto the concrete floor, making you bang your head and knee. You groaned in pain, feeling a warm liquid running down your face. You pushed yourself to get up despite the excruciating pain you felt. His gun was pointed at you while he smiled. "Have a great time in hell, Choi Y/N."

Suddenly, a gunshot was heard and the man dropped his gun, clenching his hand in pain. A few more gunshots were fired at him, instantly killing him.

"Y/N!" you heard San scream. He picked you up in his arms bridal style, and you got a glimpse of his teary eyes.

"Min-Minhee," you murmured, struggling to keep your eyes open.

"Seonghwa's got her" was the last thing you heard before everything went black.

You slowly opened your ears, squinting due to the bright light. When your eyes adjusted, you realized you were in Yeosang's mini hospital at your gang's mansion. You turned your head to the side, spotting your husband reading some documents.

"San," you murmured, but it wasn't loud enough. "San," you raised your voice a little, coughing due to your extremely dry throat.

San immediately turned to you, eyes widening. "Y/N!" He quickly poured you a glass of orange juice since that was the first thing he saw. He helped you drink the juice, feeling so relieved to see you finally awake.

"How are you feeling, my love?" he asked, taking your hand in his.

"Where's Minhee?" you asked, panick clear in your eyes.

"Minnie is playing with Jongho and Yunho," San said, making you sigh in relief that your daughter was alive. "She's doing well. She got a few stitches, but it's healing quickly. Our daughter is very brave."

Your eyes teared up. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you about—"

"Shh, don't," he cupped your cheek. "I understand why you did what you did, babe. I would've done that too. Anyway, we wiped out that entire gang and got the money back."

"What happened? How did you find me?"

"We killed all the four men and the other three who were hiding. One of them ran away to Japan, but Wooyoung and Mingi went there and killed him," San explained before getting a little nervous. "And um, don't be mad, but I put a tracker on your necklace."

You narrowed your eyes at him. "Hey, see, it proved to be helpful!" he said, putting his hands up defensively.

Before you could reply, San placed his hand over your mouth. He took a deep breath while a wide smile spread on his face. "I also have some good news."

"What's the news?" you asked, voice muffled due to San's hand on your mouth. He opened his mouth to reply, but the door burst open, revealing your daughter.

"Mommy!" she squealed, running to your bed, trying to get onto the bed that was too high for her.

San picked his daughter up, placing her beside you. "Be careful, angel. Mommy is still recovering." The little girl nodded at her father before looking at you.

"How you feel, mommy?" she asked.

"Much better, now that you're here," you replied, tickling her chin. Your daughter giggled, moving away from you. She placed her little hands on your stomach.

"Come out fast so that we can play!"

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion before you glanced at San. "About that..." he chuckled, taking your hand in his. "We're having another baby. You're pregnant."

"W-What?" you gasped in shock. You and San had been trying to get another child for quite sometime now.

"Yeah," he giggled, kissing the back of your hand. "You're almost a month long and the baby is perfectly fine."

Happy tears streamed down your face while your hands moved to your stomach. San kissed your head before pulling away a little. "I know I've been getting on your nerves a lot, but thank you for blessing me with Minhee and now another baby," he mumbled. "I love you so much, my beautiful wife." He crashed his lips onto yours. You kissed him back, smiling into the kiss.

"Eww!" your daughter squealed in disgust. "I'm going to tell uncle Jongho that you're kissing!"

San pulled away with a giggle before lifting his daughter into his arms, placing kisses all over her face while she squirmed around, laughing loudly.

You lovingly watched the two of them with a large smile on your face, and you couldn't wait for the future when your new baby would arrive, adding more happiness to your and your family's lives.

[amazingmaeve]

The Moment I Knew ↠ Draco Malfoy

━ “I’m done. I’m done with you and everything.”

summary ━ draco malfoy had promised his long time girlfriend he would show up to her birthday party. Y/N knew she shouldn’t have believed him...

warnings ━ angst

a/n ━ made me cry writing this.

Word count ━ 1.7k

You should've been there

Should've burst through the door

With that "Baby, I'm right here" smile

And it would've felt like

A million little shining stars had just aligned

And I would've been so happy

The room where Y/N stood in her birthday dress her mother got her. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion, after all she was now 20. But all Y/N could think about was how Draco wasn’t there.

Y/N imagined him coming through the door with that smile that made her heart flutter. And just him being there would’ve of made Y/N feel on top of the world.

Like he put her first. Y/N would’ve been so happy.

But in reality Y/N stood there with a sad look on her face crossing her arms across her chest. She should be happy in those moment.

Y/N really wanted Draco to show up it was her dream to finally be a priority in his life.

Christmas lights glisten

I've got my eye on the door

Just waiting for you to walk in

But the time is ticking

People ask me how I've been

As I comb back through my memory

How you said you'd be here

You said you'd be here

Y/N takes a seat with a sigh as she keeps a close eye on the door just waiting for him to show up. Hoping to show up.

The lights glisten around her should’ve made Y/N happy since they were her favorite color but nothing could cheer her up. Draco could only do that now if he shows up.

As people talk to Y/N she keeps her eyes on the door just waiting for him to show up. But something in the pit of her stomach told her that wasn’t gonna happen.

The time was getting later and later and Y/N is wondering if he even remembered if it was her birthday. As tears start to brim her eyes someone comes up to distract her.

“So Y/N how have you and Draco been,” Her aunt asks with a smile on her face.

The mention of Draco brings memories flooding back to Y/N. When he promised that he would be at the party a few days ago.

“Okay Draco are you sure you’ll remember,” Y/N asks as she rests her head on his chest drawing circles on his abs.

“Love don’t worry about I’ll be there when have I ever failed you,” Draco chuckles and kisses the top of Y/N’s head.

Y/N frowns almost every date we’ve been on she thinks to herself as Dracos arms envelope around and eventually falls asleep.

Y/N however stays awake doubting that he’ll show up. She tries to get the negative thoughts out of her head.

But they keep crawling back and Dracos forgot about a lot of things recently. Like their anniversary.

“We’ve been great,” Y/N says forcing a smile squeezing her hand around a wine glass anger and sadness coursing through her veins.

He said he would be there and Y/N hopes he will.

And it was like slow motion

Standing there in my party dress

In red lipstick

With no one to impress

And they're all laughing

As I'm looking around the room

But there was one thing missing

And that was the moment I knew

Some reality sets in and she realizes that Draco might not show up. No don’t think like that Y/N shakes her head in denial. She wants to believe that Draco will show up just for her she wants to with her whole heart.

But something in her stomach makes it feel off and she keeps trying to shake the feeling off.

Y/N stands there in a cute white dress and red lipstick across her lips as she keeps her eyes on the door waiting for Draco.

She feels like she’s dressed up to impress no one. Y/N wanted to impress Draco and wanted him to show her at least some love.

For the past 7 months Draco has been either busy or not wanting to be around Y/N unless it’s at night. Dates are lonely because he forgets.

Y/N gets that he has a job but he shouldn’t just neglect her in the midst of his work. Draco is one of her main priorities but she isn’t one of his.

People keep laughing around her joking and enjoying themselves.

Tears threaten to seek out as Y/N looks around the room to see if Draco came in but she didn’t notice him.

But there’s no sight of the Malfoy and Y/N walks around her heels clicking on the hard floor trying to seen if sneaked in and it was all a prank.

And all Y/N can find is nothing. Some doubt seeks into Y/N knowing Draco might not come breaks her heart.

And the hours pass by

Now I just wanna be alone

But your close friends always seem to know

When there's something really wrong

So they follow me down the hall

And there in the bathroom

I try not to fall apart

And the sinking feeling starts

As I say hopelessly

"He said he'd be here"

Hours pass and Y/N feels dread crawl up her chest as Draco hasn’t shown up.

With everyone talking to her wising her a happy birthday, Y/N just wants to be alone to drown her sorrows. She just wants Draco to be there is that so much to ask for.

Y/N would’ve gone to Dracos party for him. Hell she would have done anything for him.

In their 6th year in Hogwarts Y/N offered to take the place of Draco as he had an order from Voldemort. But Draco didn’t let the happen.

He said, “Y/N love I won’t let you do that. I will not let this drag you down. This is my duty and I just need to keep you safe.”

Y/N scoffs at the memory back then if something went wrong Draco would’ve been there in an instance. Even on her birthday he always showed up with a gift and flowers.

Even in their dreadful 6th year he still showed up.

Y/N runs down the halls tears staining her cheeks as Dracos friends notice her and his absence as well.

Blaise lets out an annoyed sigh leaving the girl he was talking to behind to follow Y/N to the bathroom. Blaise knocks on the door hesitantly.

“Y/N,” Blaise asks.

“What,” Y/N snaps wiping the tears away trying to keep calm.

“I know what you’re thinking and Draco will be here soon don’t over think it,” Blaise explains.

Y/N scoffs again of course he’s defending him she thinks. Even thought Y/N and Blaise were friends he would always choose Dracos side no matter.

“He said he’d be here,” Y/N sobs into her hand as mascara stains her eyes making her look like a raccoon.

Blaise internally curses Draco for not being there and opens the door to see Y/N crying with her knees pulled to her chest.

“Oh Y/N,” Blaise says out of pity and sadness. He pulls her to her feet and brings her to a hug.

“He’s a dick Y/N don’t let it get to you,” Blaise kisses the top of Y/N’s head and Y/N is lucky to have such a good friend like Blaise.

And it was like slow motion

Standing there in my party dress

In red lipstick

With no one to impress

And they're all laughing

And asking me about you

But there was one thing missing (missing, missing)

And that was the moment I knew

Blaise helps Y/N and she dries her tears away not wanting to alarm everyone. She still has faith Draco will show up just a sliver of faith.

Y/N and Blaise returned to the room were everyone was laughing and partying. Y/N lets out a smile through her pain.

At least some people are happy.

Blaise just says to forget about him but everyone is asking her about and how Draco and her are.

Y/N respond politely saying everything was fine even though she was just lying through her teeth.

What do you say, when tears are streaming down your face

In front of everyone you know?

And what do you do when the one who means the most to you

Is the one who didn't show?

As the time gets closer to midnight and her birthday will be almost over tears start falling down her cheeks on a faster rate.

People asks Y/N why she’s crying on such a happy day but Y/N can’t respond and people just leave Y/N be.

She feels pathetic crying in the corner of the room as people stare at her while others are just minding their own business.

Y/N wants to believe that her boyfriend will show up and shock her but she feels like that isn’t going to be an option in her books.

“Y/N he’ll show,” Blaise reassures her as he comforts her.

Y/N nods wanting to believe him but she can’t. She can’t when he should’ve been there ages ago.

You should've been here

And I would've been so happy

No matter what Draco has to say he should’ve been there for her no matter what.

And if he was going to be there Y/N would’ve been the happiest girl in the world.

But Y/N reminded herself life isn’t a fairytale.

And it was like slow motion

Standing there in my party dress

In red lipstick

With no one to impress

And they're all standing around me singing

"Happy birthday to you"

But there was one thing missing

And that was the moment I knew

Ooh, I knew

Ooh

It felt like slow motion as people sang happy birthday before midnight came.

Y/N blew out the candle with a fake smile on her face wanting to make the people who showed feel appreciated.

As people hug her and congratulate her Y/N thinks just one thing is missing.

And that is the love of her life.

Y/N knows she shouldn’t have to deal with this but her love for him was so strong nothing could defeat it.

When Draco talks to her next he’ll make some half assed apology and excuse and Y/N would nod and pull him into a hug.

And she would accept his while reassuring him that it was okay and that she still loved him.

But Y/N has had enough of this and even though she loves him so much, Y/N can’t handle this pain.

The pain of being left behind without a thought.

Y/N accepted his apology the first few times but after so many times it gets tiring. Waiting for him to show up for dates. Or even just for dinner.

Either way Y/N’s had enough of this.

You called me later

And said, "I'm sorry, I didn't make it"

And I said, "I'm sorry too"

And that was the moment I knew

When Y/N gets to her flat she gets ready for bed. She would usually go to Dracos mansion but tonight shes tired annoyed and frustrated.

Y/N doesn’t feel like dealing with Dracos bullshit right.

She takes off all of her make up and puts her pajamas on and once she lies her head on her pillow Y/N finally lets the tears fall.

As she sobs and curls into a ball all she thinks is why. Why couldn’t he just show up and be there for her.

In the midst of her crying someone calls the phone.

“Hello,” Y/N sniffles without even looking at who might be calling her.

“Love I just wanted to apologize for not being there. There was this work thing,” Draco apologizes and doesn’t even notice that she’s crying.

“I’m sorry too,” Y/N scoffs. “I’m sorry that I’ll always be second to you and I shouldn’t even be sorry.”

“Love-,” Draco starts to say but Y/N intercepts.

“I’m done. I’m done with you and everything,” Y/N snaps and hangs up the phone.

Y/N lets a sigh of relief feeling a weight of her chest. She finally feels good about herself.

[ifonlysj]

heyyyy i'm a relatively new elf and i loooove sungmin but i have a question. you said sungmin "made a mistake in the way he treated fans who were supporting and even helping out his wedding". what is that about? i only know that he got hate for marrying which is bullshit but what happened with supportive fans? thank you, love your blog

hey anon! as promised: here is my opinion about how sungmin handled the situation~ and please take it with a grain of salt and form your own judgement.

just wanted to remind everyone reading this that i still think sungmin should come back to super junior too! if there is something you wish to correct/disagree with under the cut, let me know nicely. we don’t have to fight, okay? let’s do this like civilised people :)

it’s known that leeteuk and heechul have acknowledged that fans would rather hear about dating/marriage news from the members themselves rather than through articles and rumours. this of course makes sense, idols who have “asked for their fans’ blessing” have seen a much better response from their fans than those who got “exposed” by dispatch/sasaengs/whatever. sure, this isn’t a blanket generalisation, but you kinda get it right? i wouldn’t want malicious rumours about someone i like getting involved with someone else, not because i am “possessive”, but because i think the relationship between an idol and their fans can be trusted so that you know, we can celebrate together and stuff.

there are also other rumours about the ‘controversy’ surrounding his marriage, but they were mostly cleared through an article on naver. you can find it here. it should be pretty accurate, because sungmin posted a link to it on his instagram as an instagram post. 

here’s something that i don’t know if it’s been cleared ; sungmin allegedly changed his signature by replacing the star he normally uses with ‘Mi’, which is a nickname for saeun (his wife). this part is really a little bit weird. i don’t think he should have done that, considering how the fan who requested for the autograph has a name that doesn’t resemble ‘Mi’ in any way or form. you can find the original post on pann here. look at it this way, you travelled all the way out and did x number of things and basically worked hard so you could meet someone you liked, and the person gave you gift, that was actually a secret message for someone else. that’s just... not right. again, anything regarding sungmin and the controversy has been grossly warped by people to the point where it is difficult to check if anything is right/wrong. correct me if you want. 

something else; sungmin’s apology letter was released ahead of his army discharge. he handwrote it and apologised for hurting fans by getting married before his enlistment. i think he missed the point. fans aren’t stupid. korean fans aren’t stupid. i believe the ones who are possessive and think they own him is a minority. but i think it’s understandable that these fans felt angered by how he handled it. he didn’t apologise for the signature and he didn’t apologise for ’sharing’ his fan gifts with his wife.

this is a difficult post to make and this part is the worst bit of it, because i’m going to share about why i felt uneasy about his marriage. i’m not saying i’m against it. i’m just. i don’t really know, i had really bad feeling about this when the news first came out. disclaimer: i do not pretend to speak for fans or for anyone at this point, this is just my personal opinion and maybe you disagree with it and that’s okay. this is how i felt about it in 2014-5 and it was a long time ago. with age comes wisdom LOL and honestly i don’t feel anything when i think about it now. 

i felt uneasy when the news broke out because of the timing of it. the timing was, quite frankly, quite terrible. there are some issues that made it worse that sungmin himself couldn’t control, but i don’t think it would have hurt to think it through a little more before releasing the news. 

sungmin confirmed he was getting married in between super shows. i don’t know what kind of impression that gives you, but i’ll be frank: it gives me the impression that he’s acting more individualistic and not putting his group activities as a priority in his life.

for international fans, this could seem like a shock to you. of course he should put his personal life first, he’s in love! he’s finally found someone he likes enough to get married, and we should support him because we want him to find happiness. that’s an opinion, and you’re entitled to it. but what we’re looking at is the confucian principles of community and society that are upheld by most of the korean community. this is a culture that mandates military enlistment laws for all males (with very few exceptions). so really, through their perspective, the outrage could be perhaps more understood. it is also important to know that when the news first broke, the general opinion ranged from congratulatory messages (that hoped for a better public opinion of idols getting married/falling in love), to speculations if it was a shotgun marriage and if saeun was pregnant. consider that sungmin had not enlisted in the military at this point. for korean men, entering the military is a rite of passage into “manhood”. it was already bad enough for idols themselves to still enlist, and fans were already dreading his enlistment. to suddenly spring the news of marriage on them? it made the timing of the whole thing even worse. what’s worse is that the fandom was trying to support them, but sungmin antis and even some of sungmin’s sasaeng’s gave false reports about the whole situation (see: rumous about the wedding, etc.). 

something to understand in korean netizen culture is that they literally live in a culture where paparazzi are so normalised and entertainment journalism literally puts out close to fifty new reports, news, and scandals out every day. on top of that, korea is notorious for their efficient, workaholic cultures that spares no time for research. imagine being bombarded with news about sungmin’s ‘misdeeds’ every week and every month. obviously your impression of him worsens. then he goes to enlist in the army, effectively disappearing, not making a statement until he nearly discharges, then going back to promote himself as per usual. you only have ten minutes a day, maximum, to see the news. you don’t have time to check for yourself on the internet what is happening. if you’re a fan, you go on twitter to check with the big fansites what is happening, and then you see that they are all quarrelling between themselves about writing petition letters. every single thing sungmin does gets uploaded as ‘breaking news’, paparazzi zoom in onto the other sujus’ “apologies” and “opinions” regarding their fellow member, and public opinion builds the impression that sungmin just doesn’t give a shit about his group. and remember! he’s literally getting married and having a honeymoon in between concerts, when the rest of the members are practising/rehearsing/working hard on TV to get more acknowledgement. gosh, sungmin really is throwing his group under the bus all for love... 

that’s a thought process i went through. i can hardly emphasise more about how this shit isn’t about me getting pressed and possessive about how he’s my oppa and he shouldn’t get married because i’m going to marry him one day. it’s not! it’s about me loving suju to the point where sungmin seems like he’s just going off on his own without caring about the group image. quite frankly if any of the sujus reveal tomorrow that they are dating someone, my response would be something like: “oh thank God!”, and if next year they say something like “y’all, we’re gonna get married”, then i would be like: “FINALLY!” because the sujus deserve nothing but happiness and i just want them to be happy after all the shit they’ve been through. [of course sungmin deserves happiness too. everyone does.]

i started rambling but... i just want to say that i really wish sungmin eased us more into it. the whole thing was aggravated because of how saeun handled it on TV also. sungmin enlisting right after was a good move, considering the damage already done. it would have given the whole thing to die down a bit, for fans to think things a little bit more through while sungmin basically removed himself from society for a bit. but while he was gone, saeun said some shit about how sungmin is really touchy and good with skinship, how sungmin drank 9 bottles of soju just to get the courage to ask her father for his blessing, and so on. that’s not right sis. why would you keep making headlines about your man when you should just lie low and wait for the hatred to pass... she then went on to like really controversial pictures, like the one where someone is slapping someone else. the slapper is labelled “international ELFs” while the one being slapped is labelled”K-ELFs”... that shit just ain’t cool bruv... obviously this started another internal fanwar, and i’m pretty sure a lot of ELFs have bad impressions of her. idk i feel like the sudden attention went to her head or something... why would you talk about alcohol... gosh...

anyway i don’t hate her or anything and i’m happy that she brings our boi happiness but i just don’t have a good impression of her... maybe she’s a really nice person IRL but you know, she’s a celebrity and we’ll never meet so i won’t pass judgement on her.

that’s... kinda it i guess? congrats if you made it all the way to the end. i just wanna rehash the point about sungmin returning to super junior. i think he should. he’s been away for long enough and i think that’s enough ‘punishment’, but i do think it would make it easier for the public to try and accept him again if the both of them just admit to what they did wrong in the past and apologise and then just move on. that shit is old as heck, i think. there’s what i think happened. lmk if i made a mistake or missed something, i wrote like 60% of this post thinking back to that time period and considering how, uh, i don’t live in korea, there might have been something i missed. the other 40% is stuff i searched online to double check, but you know. take everything that isn’t an article with a bucket of salt. lord knows how messed up everything is after those sungmin antis started spreading rumours and stuff. 

if you need a clarification about something said above, you can send me a (nice) ask and i’ll answer!

one last thing, i’m not saying what the sungmin antis did to sungmin (with regards to trying to kick him out of suju, threatening his wife, etc.) is justified by whatever i said above. i’m just saying it makes it a little bit more understandable. but it doesn’t make them entitled to such actions and i 100% believe that their actions are unjustified.

[skillfulwolfworld]

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook | reader

Summary: Selene is a young 21-year-old who has done the impossible to be a young top producer, top dancer, and singer. Trying to make a name for herself was always hard, especially when she doesn't want handouts from her father is who is a big-time producer too. One day her father calls saying he needs help with a company called Big Hits he just signed on with. What will happen?

Rated: 18+ as for language, future smut and etc.

Author's Note: Welcome be patient with me as I have all this in my head and trying to put it down on here. All are fictional and times will not be accurate. This will be a series hopefully you like it. Thanks

Chapter:2

It was finally Thursday morning, after getting everything together and nonstop on the phone or the laptop. I got everything settled on my end here, yet seeing me right now you would think I don't have everything together. As my grip is tightly on Ash's wrist checking my phone rushing through the airport to make it to our flight with only thirty minutes left to broad.

"I swear this is the last time I listen to you to stop for breakfast." Groaning while I pulled her behind me looking around for B07. Seeing we were at C10 not far I relaxed a little bit before walking a little further.

"Don't blame me for everything. Granted I lost my passport for a minute but we found it." Shrugging as she pulled her hand away and pulled her bright pink Adidas bag upon her shoulder.

"A minute more like 25 minutes. Then we stopped for breakfast. Why do I listen to you at all, especially when we could have missed our flight?" Walking a nice quick pace as I see our flight insight with all the passengers in a line broadening on now.

"Don't start you know as well as I do that a nice fast food meal is great. As the airline food is gross, which we will have to deal with it for 13 hours. " Crossing her arm in her big off the shoulder sweater as she pouted next to me inline. Rolling my eyes as I crouched down opening my black Pink bag pulling our tickets out handing Ash hers. Standing up as I zipped up my bag when we walk forward slowly to broad on.

"Pouting doesn't work on me, Ash. So suck it up buttercup. We made it everything is fine, I'm not mad. Just annoyed but barely anyone here so that's a plus, as we checked in luggage fast upfront." Smiling as I handed the stewardess my ticket walking the runway hall to broad the plane. Scrunching my nose as I walked down smelling all different aromas from perfumes, colognes, burnt rubber, and everything else. They definitely need something to mask all this smell. Hearing Ash bounces behind me when she finally caught up. I walk through the airplane door seeing two Korean female stewardesses dressed in their uniforms greeting us. Bowing my head slightly I greeted back then look down towards my ticket to see what seat I am assigned to. Slowly walking I see I am in seat C1 only my father would get us, the first-class tickets. Pulling my bag off my shoulder I walk and sitting down in my seat. Setting my bag beside my legs I buckle, looking up I see Ash mouth wide open and her eyes wide as she looks around. Laughing she looks to me and sits down in the next seat glaring at me.

"Your Dad got us, first-class seats?" Her voiced raised in a harsh whisper as I began to buckle up I smile.

"Well yeah he and the company did for a couple of reasons it's a long flight, I'm a producer, and plus I'm an only child." Shaking my head as Ash smiles. Before she could speak again the stewardess closed the plane door and began speaking in Korean on safety procedures in case of emergency. Seeing Ash in my side view her face pout as she doesn't understand a word, anyone says. Reaching over I turn on the monitor on the seat in front of her a video pops up with English subtitles of what the flight attendants were going over and saying. Smiling mouthing thank you as she finally relaxes. Pulling my phone out I send a quick text to my Dad that we made to our flight and see him later. Turning my phone off I look out my small window seeing the plane roll backward and get ready to take off shortly.

"Hey, thanks for bringing me along. I know I am a pain in the ass but it really means a lot to me." Grabbing my hand as she smiled when I looked towards her.

"We are a pain in each other ass. So it's all good. But you're my best friend and my best dancer had to bring you along." She smacked my arm as I chuckled. Feeling the plane start taking off we fell quiet. Ash grabbed my hand when we felt the airplane tip-up, no matter how many times I flew I don't think I could ever get used to taking off and landing. After about 10 minutes we felt the airplane level out.

"Thank you everyone choosing to fly with us today. The fasten seatbelt sign is off as you are free to get out any of your electronics to use and roam for a few minutes as this flight will be twelve hours and 20 minutes till we land at Incheon International Airport." The captain's voice is heard from the speaker.

"I'm glad there is a monitor in front of me telling me what he said in English. Cause I didn't understand a damn thing he said." Laughing I looked out the window seeing everything so small will never cease to amaze me. Sighing I grab my bag pulling out my laptop as I set it up to the airline's wifi which is overpriced but gotta get stuff done.

Ash looking over shaking her head as she turns back to her phone probably on Instagram or Twitter. As I hear her speak up as she is still looking down on her phone.

"You never stop working, do you? I mean we are miles above the earth and you are still working." Finally looking up with her green eyes stare into my deep blue eyes.

"You know this is the point of why we are on the airplane right now right? I mean I won't be working the whole flight I am dead ass tired. Just going to see if my Dad can send me any information on anything then go from there. Plus I won't be working the whole time I'll have days off" I start to say when she cut me off.

"Nope, you will work even on your days off. So don't pull that bullshit with me, Selene. I grew up with and around you. Granted I know this is a job but you need to live. Have a life as a 21-year-old." Glaring as she puts her phone down. Sighing I close the laptop I just opened, she is a pain but means well.

"I know but only in the beginning, I promise we will go do stuff. Just let me get everything settled then we will go from there. Pinky promise." Holding my pinky out she stares at it before hooking her slim pale pinky with my tan one. Smiling she nods her head and goes back to her phone. Opening my laptop again I see my Dad sent me a message on Whatsapp.

Dad: Just got your text glad you made it. Hope the flight is well, I know the wifi is bad. Love you.

Me: Bad wifi why overpriced but gotta get work done. So I never asked who is the group I am helping with.

Dad: The group is called Bangtan Sonyeondan or BTS. All the boys' age from the youngest is your age and the oldest is 27.

Me: Good to know I will do some research to know a little bit more about them. I will talk to you later. Love you!

Logging out of WhatsApp I went straight to Google. Typing in BTS about everything I could want to know was there from their fans or news reports. My blue eyes widened with all the information as my thought process went to them being a new band. A fine detail I should have asked. Shaking my head I kept reading seeing all the awards they have won and the success they have had. I need to tell Ash this, looking over I see she already fell asleep, unzipping my bag I pull out my travel blanket and cover her up.

Going back to my laptop I keep searching. 7 members ages ranging from 27 to 21 as Dad said. Seeing as Big Hit has Twitter, I go onto mine. Looking through old posts and recent ones, trying to somehow understand them through this laptop screen. From the bit that would load their music is amazing. So it should be a breeze to work with them on the music. Plus they are hot. I mean besides their music being good their looks only would bring anyone one in. I mean I know I would. Breaking my thoughts. No Selene you can't have a fling you are here for a job nothing more. Shaking my head I log out of everything packing my laptop back up. Looking down at my phone I see 5 hours have passed since we've been in the air. Holy shit. I spent that much time looking them up well doesn't help the loading was slow as hell.

Yawning I pull my hood up on my FILA black hoodie over my head. Happy I got two times bigger hoodie as the hood covers my eyes and I began slowly drifting off to sleep.

[jiwonsssi]

- differences, pt. 2

I hate descriptions. Just read.

characters: Eun Jiwon/'you'

warnings: swearing

A/U: i tried into drama making but since i hate drama it turned out kinda cringey so yeah enjoy and OH its long

And the next week was pretty much normal. Practices, meet ups with friends, helping your mother on her work and other typical stuff for you. You even managed to forget what happened with Jiwon earlier, because there were no time to think about it; too much is happening, and, as always, it does make you feel overwhelmed. And of course there was someone who was fascinated with the idea on how to make you life worse. Sungha didn't even try, you don't know if it was his intention; but God was he successful.

He got suddenly fucking annoying; to the point you didn't even want to see him. He asked annoying question, joked annoying jokes, touched you so annoyingly that you flinched from him everytime. Perhaps, he didn't do anything wrong (as he, himself, claims) and to be honest you are not that angry with his actions on that damned night, but.. something is wrong. You can only feel it, it's impossible to describe it or put it in words; and that's, actually, one of the main problems - you have no idea what to tell him.

And he continues to ask. Annoyingly.

You read and heard somewhere that a simple gesture of a person could easily turn you away from her or him. Apparently, that happened.

And Jiwon. Somehow you see him tragically different now. This week made you analyze so many things about him; you spent hella time together, it wasn't that hard anyway. It's not like you are ready to jump on him screaming 'oppa take me' or something. Absolutely fucking not. Yet.

Anyway, among everything, you drastically wanted to be closer to him. Friendship seems like out of this world idea, but just talking to him feels better than with anyone else. Except, maybe, your mother. But perhaps it's because they are around the same age? We (you and your common sense) choose to ignore that fact.

The other thing you want to ignore is that you are very much disappointed in the fact that he stopped being late. Just a tiny part of you were hoping for another 15 minutes spent together in total comfort of the night drive.

And today was not different; Eun Jiwon was tolerably late and all the dancers waited for him patiently.

- We need to talk, - Sungha sits down beside you and you fight an urge to roll your eyes.

- Right now? - you are annoyed without any apparent reason. It's not right. You really want to talk; you know it's a need. But at the same time it feels so impossible; you know that there would be a fight. You just want to postpone it for as long as possible.

- Yes, because any other time you run from me like crazy, - he has a point.

- I'm not, - we will not accept it anyway.

- You are! But.. not a point. What the fuck is happening? Are you still mad at me? For just one shitty night? You made it safe! - he's not screaming, more like loudly whispering but you still see people watching you. So you stand up, taking his hand and shove him out of the room, standing in front of him with your arms crossed on your chest.

Rage starts to build up unexpectedly fast and you have no idea how to stop it. You don't want to, to be honest.

- Yeah, I hope you had great time as well.

- I promised them! What could I say? 'Sorry, I need to abandon something that has been planned weeks ago'? - he has a point, he really does. Everytime. But.. you just can't think straight. Whatever he says, you would probably still blame him.

- It would have literally took you about 20 minutes. But no, you didn't even think about it; the idea that your friends can spend 30 minutes without you didn't cross your mind. But the idea of abandoning me in the middle of night - on top of all, - you articulate dramatically at this point, but who cares anyway.

- Oh, now we are playing that 'could have been done' game? C'mon, quit it, I care about you and you know it, - did it make you more angry? Because it did.

- You? Care? My ass, how many times you dropped me over some shit? Buying me stuff to make it seems like an apology is not caring about me, it's bullshit, - you put his hands that he already had on your waist down, stepping back a little.

- Uhm, it's not like I'm the one who accepts them, - it's a war declaration.

You know he is right. You know. But at the same time, who said you should always think with you brain, not, for example, with ass? It will sound stupid, but your heart already gave up on him (if it even was considering him in the first place), your head's ideas don't really suit you and other parts of you just really want to punch him.

- Oh you know what? It's better to receive at least something from you, because otherwise I might stuck with only "amazing" conversations and even worse sex. I'm not your parent to teach you how to behave when you are guilty and if you want to shower me with gifts when you can simply apologize, I'm not here to complain, - aww, who's that angry little boy? He furrows his brows, breathing heavily and you shrug your shoulders, smiling the most annoying smile you can manage.

Everyone think that you are with him because of money, so why not play along?

- Fuck that, - Sungha goes straight back to the practice room again and you feel air in your lungs hurting. If that's even possible. You have chosen him for a reason and the reason is absolutely not wealth. And now.. it's kinda weird to be sad over something that you, yourself, ruined. You did ruin it, right? And over some, indeed, tiny fucking mistake.

You will not blame yourself for this, but maybe you are allowed to be a little upset. Break ups happen and.. it's upsetting. And when the adrenaline in your veins finally calms down, you inhale deeply, trying to calm that tiny crybaby in you down.

The thing is, you absolutely can't handle it right now. Just not in the middle of this mess with everyday practices and hella tone of work in general. You want peace and comfort, not all those nerves.

It's absolutely time to get wasted. And you're have absolutely no time for that.

Coming back in, you feel particularly everyone in this room watching you and it's so fucking annoying again. Why can't they just mind their own business? Is it that hard?

But most probably the biggest problem is that right after you, a mere seconds later, Jiwon comes in and you can swear he heard everything. Everything. You groan and stomp your feet, screaming at how life hates you. Internally.

You meet his eyes once, when Jiwon greets everyone and he just smiles, nodding his head a little. Maybe he will not think of you as someone who sleeps with men for money.

Just a tiny, tiny, tiny possibility. A girl can dream, right?

Hope dies last. All that shit.

It's hard to concentrate when all you can think about is your now totally fucked up relationships; it's impossible to pretend that you don't care. You do. And not because you are scared of losing him (somehow that is the last thing you afraid of), but to break up on this conditions. You truly believe that everything can be solved through conversation (even though you are the one who became angry but does it really matter?); you won't beg him to start over, because you simply don't want to. But breaking up without hating each other sounds better than what you have now.

The practice starts and you do everything automatically. Absolutely on autopilot.

- Hey, are you with us? I'm talking to you, - of course it's time to miss main choreographer speaking directly to you, right in front of your face. What a perfect day!

- Sorry, I.. sorry, - the music is already silent and everyone are out. For a break, probably. You feel like you are on crack or something, because you totally forgot what was happening around. And how much time passed by.

- Nevermind. What I wanted to say is that you are to dance with Eun Jiwon. I hope you remember choreography for 'Tipsy', aren't you? - you badly want to close your eyes, breath and whisper 'what the fuck' but you just nod silently, then shake your head.

- But I was dancing with Sungha as backdancer, so I..

- Not anymore. I don't know what is happening between you two but this is the last time I agree on changing partners in the last moment. Understood? - again, the exact same wish. What the fuck is going on? It feels like you fell asleep in one reality and woke in another.

- Yeah. But I..

- That's it, go and grab some coffee, I don't know, you lookin awful, - she smiles in the end so you don't feel offended, but she's totally right. Nodding, you turn around to leave. Coffee. Great idea. Would be even better with whiskey.

Unsuccessfuly trying to persuade coffee machine to not to add 5 portions of sugar, you also trying your very best to persuade yourself to stop fucking whining.

- Yes, bad terms. Yes, I look like a bitch now. Yes, he's going to shit on me everywhere. Yes, probably I will lose some people. Yes, I said awful things, - talking to yourself in public place is not a great idea but who cares, - But do I need those people? And sex was really not that great.. Fuck you!

You tap with a loud sound on a coffee machine who proudly presents you extra sweet coffee. Feeling your lower lip tremble out of pure rage, you shove coffee in sink and sigh slowly.

- Please, just once, sweetie, let's do it, huh? Just for me, c'mon, - now you try to persuade the machine nicely. It works with you laptop every time, so why not?

But yeah, life is a shit and that's exactly why you hear a loud giggle from behind and.. we're not in fanfiction. It can't be him. Right?

- After talking to yourself you started to chat with coffee machine. I genuinely want to know, are you okay? - it's absolutely not the right time for Jiwon to show up out of nowhere. The awful timing. Closing your eyes, you force yourself to smile and turn around, facing him.

- Yeah, just.. it's always nice to chat with someone smart, - he smiles again, nodding and comes closer.

- That's why you were talking to coffee machine? - you look at him, standing right beside you with his kind mocking face and he smirks, celebrating his win. Hell no.

- That's why I will not talk to you, - his face changes in seconds and he's now cutely mad. You could never count him as scary old sunbae, because it's so light around him. You can't be this free with the most of the men around there because every one of them don't know how to handle pure jokes. Jiwon does everything perfectly.

- Okay then. I'll drink that tasty fresh black strong coffee with no sugar from cafe nearby all by myself, - you don't realize that he's holding two cups and you honestly forgot how to say 'thank you'. He turns around very slowly, looking you in the eyes all the way and you put on your most exaggerated charming smile.

- Oh my God, I'm so sorry, oppa, you are the smartest that I have ever met! - you would hang on his arm or something but apart him being very open and comfortable with you, it's still obvious that he's much older. Literally twice your age. That would be crossing the lines.

Jiwon pretends to think for a moment and you smile as innocent as possible and he suddenly nods, with the same exaggerated satisfaction, passing you the hot cup.

- I saw you spacing out, thought coffee will help. Must be difficult these days for you? - he just stands here, leaning with one hand on a table and he looks.. stunning. His style is perfect without trying and you can swear the color black belongs to him. And you just broke up with the boyfriend. Stop. But maybe it's his care that looks stunning, huh. Sounds lame, but.. unless?

- Yeah, I just.. - actually you have zero fucking idea on how to answer his question. He wouldn't be asking if he wasn't interested in what you are going to say. Yet you also had no intentions on showering him with your problems so you look at him, trying not to look desperate and shake your shoulders, - You heard everything, right?

He nods and you sip coffee, trying to not to burn your lips.

- I did, sorry, - he places his cup onto the table, putting both of hands in the pockets of his joggers, - You broke his self esteem, not his heart. So don't worry about sounding like a bitch.

He's actually very right. But there is something that will eat you anyway. Nice, though, that he's trying to help you. Hella weird.

- But it will eat me a couple of months anyway, - you continue to drink your coffee, staring at the material of his black tshirt, not seeing anything anyway when he speaks again.

- Your words about sex will eat him at least a couple of years. So don't worry, you won this one, - and you choke on your coffee, spitting it everywhere, trying to laugh and feel ashamed at the same time. Jiwon wipes brown drops from his upper arm that happened to be on the way of your hysteria, laughing not so loud but any way very pleasing. No need to be ashamed, apparently.

It wasn't funny. It was just so weird to hear it from him.

- I won't ever again buy you drinks, - he's laughing, hanging you tissues and taking the cup out of your hands, throwing it into the trash, - C'mon. Break must be over by now.

And he's so light, just like that. Jiwon doesn't make you talk about it further, doesn't try to get into your head with advices; he said what he wanted to say and listened to you for as much as you needed.

Does being intelligent comes with age?

You wipe your mouth, making your way after him when you get this feeling again; why does your whole life feels like a fanfiction? Of course Sungha needs to stand in the dark corner near vending machine like a fucking anime antihero.

You couldn't see him earlier, but.. Jiwon did. You look at his back, being not just surprised, but absolutely fucking stumbled. Why? He didn't do anything extra, but he could have been silent about such an intimate detail, as sex. But he wasn't. He deadass joked about it. And it led you to one thought: was he angry at him?

No way. Probably.

After looking at him for a moment, it feels like all that joy and relaxation you got from talking to Jiwon disappears in mere seconds. You feel so pressured again. You fucked it up. Again.

Sungha follows you and you feel his eyes imprinting 'you will regret this' on the back of your neck; you literally can feel it. It's funny how you have been knowing every bad thing about him and his friends and still decided to say 'yes' to this relationships. It started as a mess, and it will end the same.

Position "I will make him better" was never intended to work anyway.

Jiwon holds a door for you and you enter practice room, slightly nodding to him as 'thank you'. Even though you are going to dance so close to him; so close to the point you never knew you wanted to, you had no intention to continue this rehearsal. Not even the slightest.

And when the choreographer was talking to Jiwon about changing partners and he was actually very surprised or even when the music started to play, you had absolutely no emotions on your face. And so the troubles begin.

Of course, that made choreographer perofm a very nice thing called 'I will fucking end you if you continue to ruin my pattern' and it made you even more irritated and you forgot how many times you clumsy bumped into Eun Jiwon's limbs with yours. He helped you. A lot. Messing it up himself, sometimes. Sometimes receiving your palm slapping his chest. You didn't see even a tiny muscle changing on his face to form an angry emotion. And it's all extremely touching and his patience is made of steel when he wants it to be like that, but.. you still can't concentrate.

- You know what? I'm tired, - you hear Jiwon nag loudly, after you stepped on his foot for the third time and music stops the moment after his words, - I can't work like that.

Was you ready to cry? Because you even feel your eyes watering. You never expected him to care about you more than he already did, but he clearly saw what was happening.

Though it's only your fault. You move away from him a little, brushing your hair back and close your eyes. There are three more candidates who can do that. Not a big problem for him to change.

Jiwon moves in the direction of the woman who's now particularly burns with flames of rage and you know that you are the one they are discussing and feels so pitiful. You really wish it didn't ruin your pride.

And it's not how they talk while looking around on dancers that made you feel like shit. It's how everyone know that you were declined and that it's absolutely your fault; and they feel like it's prior duty to stare at you so.. contemptuously. Everyone have their bad days. Yours just happen to be today. It doesn't make you worse or better, but it's hard to persuade yourself to think like that because you are already digging yourself in.

And his rejection is actually making it hundred times worse.

- So, I wanted to say that I'm extremely tired and that's it for today, - Jiwon stands in the centre of the room, looking at you all with such a sincere sorrow. You title your head, frowning. What the fuck? - I know that it's still a long way to go, but let's have an evening off today. We all are doing great and I am very thankful for all the hard work you do for me, - he speaks so.. slowly and thoughtfully. Like he really means it. It's nice, - And besides, I'm not getting younger so I need to rest. Let's pretend it's not the main reason, - you catch your 'what the fuck' expression in the mirror and he laughs, continue to talk like only he can. You have no idea how to explain that. It just hits differently, - So let's go, run faster until our very scary choreographer didn't change her mind. Go!

He claps his hands, bowing a little and continue to stand where he is, scrolling through his phone after politely saying bye to everyone who was addressing him. You don't move even a bit because now you feel like it's your prior duty to hail him. Of course people will know the truth, but he at least made an attempt to make it seems like it wasn't your fault.

You don't know how to feel about that. You really don't.

He stares at his phone and you wait until all the people are gone, clearing your throat to make him notice you.

- Shit, you scared me. I was ready to call you, - you title your head again, because what is wrong with him. He walks to the door, opening it for you again. What the..

- I am confused, but I still will say what I wanted to, - you come closer, letting the door shut and now it's his turn to be surprised because you just realized that you have a face that says 'I'm about to beat you up'. And you are not, - I wanted to say sorry for my work. I did a lot of mistakes. And I will understand if you are going to change me for someone else. I am truly sorry. And also I want to say thank you for what you did. It was.. great. Thank you.

Lowering you head, you look at his sneakers and sigh loudly.

- Look, I understand everything. I know what you are capable of and I will not judge you now, - he does it again. Sounds so mature. Reassuring. Calming. His voice is low and manly suddenly and you feel goosebumps running wild on your skin and you finally look at him, smiling, - But if you hit me one more time..

He pokes a finger at you and you laugh, murmuring short 'sorry' again, hearing how he chuckles softly. He's not mad. At all. You are so used to bullshit out of everything that when people actually treat each other like human beings it makes you lost.

- Okay. Remember when I told you I am not going to buy you drinks? - he looks at you mischievously and you nod slowly, making that "the fuck" face, - Lies. I will.

Now it's time to make that 'so...?' face and you do exactly it.

- Do you.. drink? - is he trying to ask you.. out? Like, is it.. no, it can't be real. It's ridiculous. No. Unless?

- I.. do, - the whole conversation sounds like two very slow idiots are trying to decide on something.

- So.. Me too, - you can't help but laugh shortly looking at his expression and then come back to the 'idiots' performance.

- That's... Nice. That we two drink, - you nod, trying your best to not to laugh again and he does exactly same. Hilarious to watch.

- So shall we.. do it together? - he stumbles for a moment then rolls his eyes and then smile, waving his hand in the air, - What I wanted to say is that I want you to relax and I don't know a better way than to drink. So let's go.

You know one that's better than drinking. But let's say he won't understand if you say it out loud.

Finally you just nod, exiting the room first.

This day is a fucking roller coaster.

[cowboyjen68]

How do you deal with internalized homophobia? I feel as if I'm taking on the despair and injustice of the world. I am paranoid that my father (whom I still live with) harbors homophobia or resentment to lesbians and gay men, even tho he says he accepts me. I tried talking to him about it a month ago and it didn't end well. I've been feeling such strong self hatred that comes out of the blue and it scares me. How have you learned to own your lesbianism? Does it get better in time?

Hi. I apolgize for the delay.. this is a tough one and I needed time. Sadly.. we all do..to some extent have or have dealt with internalized homophobia. This thing about it is, we don’t usally recognize it and when we do we have a hard time seperating what is a natural feeling and what is bullshit from the outside of us. 

HINT: if it makes you hate something about youself.. it comes from the outside. 

Dad’s are real people and if he is saying it. that might be as far as he can get right now. Rememeber.. you have been dealing with this in your head for years. You are still coming to terms with it. Allow him the time and space he needs to process it. And the good news is.. If he is not violent or mean or emotionally abusing you.. you can make a go of living with him until you can get out on your own. You are not responsible for his feelings. He will either get over it or he won’t There  no point is trying to “convince “ him otherwise. He might need time.. He might not come around but the stress of rehashing the discussion is not worth it. If he has questions, cut him a break if they are offensive and do your best to answer. Hopefully he is asking from a good place and just using language he knows rather than what you would use. 

What you can do is let him know if he ever wants to talk or had questions he can ask you and you will do your best. 

What you are feeling is coming from a culture that consistently tells us that sex is bad and lesbians and gay people are only about sex. We are also told that women are less, therefore the love between two women is benign. Any sex or attraction and deviates from the acceptalble Man and Woman is perverse and dirty, or at least a sign that we are broken. We know on an intellectual level it is not true but just as we are told the word for sky is sky and we believe that and always we take it for fact. If you taught someone the word for sky was moon they would believe it, argue they are correct, ignore all evidence they are not. So.. we internalize the culutures not to subtle ideas that same sex love and attraction is wrong, even though we know it is innate to us. 

Here is the pep talk. I was unhappy to be a lesbian.. I mean UGH.. if I like girls I can’t “find a nice boy’ and make my parents happy. I have to find the 3 other lesbians that exist in the world and hope I think they are pretty. I have to tell people I am, blech.. a lesbian. BUT I met other lesbians.. I made friends with stong powerful women who said what they were and looked people right in the eye.. Brave and deifiant and yet kind and loving.  I was amazed at their strength. They taught me the beauty of connecting with other women as only lesbians and bi women can. And by 24, after a trip to Michfest and knowing my friends for 2 years. I no longer would have sold my soul to be straight. I realized that being a lesbian was my soul. IT IS THE best part about you.. I promise.  Embrace being a lesbian. You have the power to not really care what men think. You have the power to make another women feel wanted and loved, sexy and safe. TAKE THAT universe!

Take your time.. go easy on yourself but start to recogize the lesbian things in you and love them. Notice how you treat women, how you notice their neck, the way they hold ther hands. You are unique, as a lesbian, being able to have that experience. 

TIme helps you grow confidence if you can find positivity.. whether on blogs like mine or in the real world. It gets better.. way better. Don’t wait until your late 40′s to figure it out. Start now. If you ever need a pep talk about how great being a lebain is, my DM”s are always open. 

An after thought.. find lesbian centric fantasy.. Merry Shannon, Jane Fletcher. GO to https://www.boldstrokesbooks.com/ and immerse yourself in fluffy lesbian literature.. Those books with give you strong ( especially the Rangers at Roadsend series) powerful and diverse lesbian character. Reading positive women heros as the norm will hlep immensely. 

[artistictwobithack]

New Halsey Album songs - Harrow the Ninth Characters:

The Tradition: Harrow (a character study, a tragedy in parts)

</her soul is black and it's a fact that her sneer will eat you alive/..../well she got the life that she wanted, but now all she does is cry/ .../you can't take it back it's good as gone, Flesh Amnesiac this is your song/>

1121: Harrow/Gideon (they both have vital pieces of the same conversation that the other just can't fucking hear)

</well I won't die for love/ but I've got a body here to bury/ and /my tongue is a vessel/I try to be careful with this thing inside my chest/you shoot for the memory so you can forget me/I'd leave if you let me/ and /please don't leave (I'm running out of time to tell you)/don't leave me in the shape you left me/.../just leave me in the place you found me/safe and soundly/>

You Asked For This: Camilla (the bridge of this song, my god)

</I want a beautiful boy's despondent laughter/I want to ruin all my plans/I want a fist around my throat/I want to cry so hard I choke/>

Bells in Santa Fe: Gideon (bitter internal monologue while trapped in Harrow's head)

</don't call me by my name/all of this is temporary/ watch as I slip away for your sake/... /Jesus needed a three day weekend to sort out all his bullshit, figure out the treason/... /but Jesus, you've got better lips than Judas/I could keep your bed warm cause otherwise I'm useless/I don't really mean it, cause who the fuck would choose this?/maybe i could hold you in the dark/you won't even notice me depart/>

Honey: Gideon (in Harrow's body, re: Harrow. Also it's horny)

</but all i can taste is the blood in my mouth and the bitterness in goodbye/... /she stings like she means it/she's mean and she's mine/>

Girl is a Gun: Coronabeth (character study, she's unHinged your honor)

</stop cause you're killing my vibe/it's a shot in the dark/I'm not a walk in the park/I come loaded with the safety switch off/.../I cannot take it, I love it, I break it/need it, leave it/If I believe it's a waste of my/time is a blessing, with me it's a lesson/... /you'll be better with a nice girl, darling/>

Whispers: also Coronabeth (character study, encapsulates the internalized sense of never being good enough, with a side of self loathing, ouch!)

</camouflage so you can feed the lie that you're composed/.../why do you need love so badly?/bet it's because of her daddy/bet she was brutal and bratty/bet that she'll never be happy/ ...isn't it lonely?/>

Darling: Dulcie (vibes)

</Maybe I'll be better if I take my meds/... /ever since a little girl I found it sweet/driving past a graveyard on a lonesome street/all the flowers gave me something to believe in/>

Easier than lying: Mercymorn (character study, ie: fuck you Jod)

</I'm only whatever you make me/and you make me more and more a villain every day/but you don't know, you reap, you sow/whatever you give to me/from yourself you take/well, if you're a hater/then hate the creator/it's in your image I'm made/ .../you liar! You don't love me too/it's easy for you after all/>

Ianthe: (character study, ie: I fuck things up on purpose. Also, love me)

</you got me feeling like I been too mean/and everything that I say I believe/tuck a knife with my heart up my sleeve/... /I am disgusting/ I've been corrupted/and by now I don't need help to be destructive/ .../I can't call it love if I show it/I just fuck things up if you noticed/ have you noticed?/>

i am not a woman i'm a god: The Body (epilogue)

(/every morning/got a hollow where my heart goes/i never listen but i see it with my eyes closed/i know you i remember from the grass stain/maybe i could be a better human with a new name/.../(i am not a woman I'm a god/i am not a martyr I'm a problem)>

The Lighthouse: Augustine (get in losers, we're drowning God)

</I went swimming with the devil at the bottom of a lake/and he left me there by my lonesome/.../wanted reconciliation but my tongue was in my teeth/ ../I met a sailor on a ship with promise in his eyes/he kissed me on the mouth and dug his fingers in my thighs/but a sailor ain't a savior cause they only tell you lies/>

[fairycosmos]

i really want to kill myself. my medication doesn't work, i'm fat and ugly and make no progress in getting better. the person i love will never love me and i have nothing to look forward to. why do i even bother and keep hanging on? i tried so many times, now i just have to take the last step and do it properly. i'm always empty and feel numb most of the time, i just want peace. it will be the best thing i have ever done, honestly

listen to me, things are not always going to be the way they are right now. say it to yourself as much as you need to. no matter how bad it gets, it’s never permanent. everything changes all of the time and killing yourself, taking away your own future and everything you could be over temporary circumstances and feelings is not worth it at all, i promise. it won’t be the best thing you’ve ever done, it’ll be the fucking worst and nothing will come of it except more pain. seriously, you have to believe me when i say that suicide isn’t a reasonable, smart or practical thing to do and it certainly won’t solve all of your problems. it won’t be the way you think it’s going to be. i know it’s hard. i know words sound empty and being alive feels pointless when you feel so intensely awful, but please. please just keep going. all you have to do is get from one moment to the next, if you’re doing that then you’re doing MORE than enough. talk to your doctor about your medication, tell him/her what’s going on and that you need more help than you’re getting. it’s alright to say how you feel and to let people in. you deserve support and advice and guidance, that’s an indisputable fact. and you’ll get it, if you just find it in you to reach out. you’re not alone and you don’t have to fight this alone, even if your mind is telling you otherwise. that part of your brain is just trying to isolate you so you’re easier to control, and it’s the same part of your brain that is trying to convince you that killing yourself is a good idea in the first place. you don’t have to let it win. you don’t have to let those thoughts impact your reality. you’re stronger than you think, and you’re in control - not the self hating thoughts, not the depression, not the pain. you.��

and look, just because you see yourself a certain way doesn’t mean that’s how everybody else sees you. your worth isn’t measured by how ‘attractive’ you are, that’s not what you’re here for, but you’re probably nowhere near as ‘ugly’ as you think you are, dude. depression can heavily alter your perception of yourself, and make you believe things that aren’t true. you’re naturally biased against yourself. those self hating thoughts can’t be trusted. and you should never ever hurt yourself over another person and the way that they feel. again, it’s not worth it. being in love is painful and weird and blinding, especially if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, but it’s also a trick. you’re not always going to feel this way about this person. your existence wasn’t created just to intercept with theirs.  i know it feels extremely heavy and real and permanent but it’s not. and anyway, it’s alright for it to hurt. it’s okay to cry and to scream and to be upset over a person/life in general. as long as you have the emotional awareness to know that it’s going to pass, that you’re going to be okay. i get that it sounds like bullshit, but try to take at least some of it to heart. if you start to believe in your own ability to make it through this, suddenly it seems a lot more plausible. like, if you keep telling yourself that you can’t do it then it’ll really feel like you can’t, even if you can.

you keep hanging on because you don’t want to die, you want to live just not like this. and you don’t have to, that’s the best part. things can and will change. you have so many options, even if you can’t see them right now. please please please just make it through today. every morning is a new chance and a new reason to keep moving forward. i’m begging you to just give yourself the opportunity to live. start by talking to your doctor. your mental health is JUST as important as your physical health and you’re completely entitled to getting medical attention for it. little things like finding a medication that suits you, looking into therapy and healthier coping mechanisms, the passage of time, leaning on those that care about you and making the conscious effort to be kinder to yourself will really genuinely make all the difference. it won’t always be easy but it’ll always be worth it. i get that it feels like a lot of effort, i understand that. and i’m not saying you have to do anything right this second. but the possibilities are endless, and you have the power to explore them when you feel ready to. you really, really do. it doesn’t matter what your mind is telling you. it matters that you’re here, that you have the right to live a long life and that the world wouldn’t be the same without you in it. i sound like a broken record but please please keep going, that’s the only way. don’t even entertain the idea of hurting yourself, or worse. that’s not how you’re going to get through this. i’m going to leave some links that will offer further support, please check them out if you have the time. and just know that there are so so many people that care about you, that want you to be okay. and eventually you may even get to a place where you truly care about yourself. it’s entirely possible, but you won’t know for definite unless you try. just try. i’m seriously always here if you need to talk, message me if you ever need a friend or if you feel like you’re going to do something. i care n we can talk it out.

hotlines: http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

links:

https://www.thehopeline.com/what-to-do-when-you-feel-suicidal

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201204/fighting-suicidal-thoughts

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201110/eight-ways-actively-fight-depression

http://imwiththeclouds.tumblr.com/post/38347319557/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide

https://themighty.com/2017/03/depression-coping-strategies-that-help-me/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201103/10-ways-feel-better-about-yourself

https://www.thepennyhoarder.com/life/wellness/low-cost-and-free-mental-health-services/

[lesbian-ed]

How is it that some women know they're lesbian from childhood, never felt attracted to men and have zero experience with compulsory heterosexuality, despite growing up in a homophobic household and never being into feminism etc. but some still doubt it even being in a relatively safe space and knowing about comphet? It just doesn't make sense and I feel like I'm just "faking" being gay idk

People’s experiences vary. It all depends on how you grew up, how much representation you saw on TV or books or whatever, who you’e growing up with. Each person has different experiences when it comes to sexuality and learning about homosexuality. And even then, sometimes people are lucky enough to just know. 

But Imma be pretty straight forward with you… If one’s been on tumblr, it’s usually about liberal “feminism” and kweer politics.

Of course no two lesbians’ experiences are gonna be the same, but ever since we started this advice blog (and @acoupleofradfems *cough cough* shameless self promo) it’s starting to become really clear that people (myself included) who get into gender politics, libfem circles, and kweer politics/mogai hell bullshit have a harder time figuring out their sexuality, and spend a long time trying out different labels and sexualities and genders before they can finally settle in and be happy in their sexuality.

Growing up in a homophobic family/environment is never good, and it’s certainly not easy, but sometimes with homophobic people the lines between straight and gay are really clear, so there’s no doubt in your mind that you’re gay. Homophobic people tend to take homosexuality as what it says on the tin, unlike kweer activists who think even heterosexual asexuals are LGB.

The more “sexualities” and “identities” they throw in the mix, the harder it gets to feel that you actually are any of those things. Identity politics harms actual homosexual individuals, because it makes it all feel like a fight to see who’s gayer, and people who are just the good old fashioned gay feel confused. 

Identity politics makes  it sound like you have to “identify” with homosexuality in order to be gay, but being homosexual is just about attraction exclusively to people of your own sex. It’s not an identity, it’s not something you must strongly “relate” to. Being gay just is. It’s an inherent part of people, and in outwardly homophobic/religious environments, there’s no question that even a “small gay thought” (whatever that means) makes you gay. 

With kweer politics gayness is this fluid, impossible to understand concept, but things are really not that complicated.

Both of these ideologies are harmful to gay people, but in different ways, and we must stay wary and critical in order to defend ourselves from homophobia.

I can promise you, you are not faking it. There is such a thing as internalized homophobia, and compulsory heterosexuality, but those can never be switched. You can’t internalize “heterophobia” and experience compulsory homosexuality. Women are socialized to become heterosexual, we are “meant to” end up with a man. You’re not faking it, because being gay is not the norm, it is still not the most accepted thing. Being gay is hard, and we are still stigmatized.

I’m proud of you for sticking up to your homosexuality. Don’t give up, trust your gut feeling. I’m sure you’re doing just fine, buddy. 

/Mod A

[fairycosmos]

I do not feel real, everything seems like a lie. I feel like I'm broken. I think I'm going to kill myself.

hey, it’s okay. please, please don’t say that. you’re going to be alright, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. i appreciate how hard it is to reach out in any sort of way, and i want to thank you for being brave enough to come to me. you’re okay. you’re real, and everything around you is real. try to ground your mind a little, in any way that you can. take the facts of the situation and use them to root yourself into reality. the way that you’re feeling doesn’t change the way things actually are, you know? and don’t worry about being broken - contrary to popular belief, people can’t be broken. they can be messed up and sad and scared, but at the end of the day you can always wake up in the morning and try again. you’re never past the point of saving yourself unless you say that you are. i know it doesn’t feel that way, and i know it’s difficult to control your emotions when they feel so intense and negative, but you have to realize that that’s all it is - temporary feelings. nothing more, nothing less. it’s not worth fucking losing your life over. what you’ve experienced so far is not all there is, and it’s not how it’s always going to be. don’t make a very permanent and serious choice over things/circumstances that are definitely going to change in time. please. 

i know it’s easier said than done, but try not to let your mind/your mental illness convince you that you’re broken, that you can’t be saved, that there’s no point etc. even when those thoughts insist on invading your brain, you don’t have to give them any power or act on them, because they’re not true or tangible at all. just because your brain is telling you something, doesn’t mean it’s the truth or that you have to believe it. you don’t have to let that part of you control you any more than it already is. what you’re going through right now is perhaps one of the most difficult things you’ll ever have to go through, but the point is that each second that you get through it is a major accomplishment - it proves how strong you are, how capable you are, how important it is that you’re here and that you’re alive. i get that it all sounds like cliche bullshit, but i want so badly for you to realize that your presence and your existence in general is an amazingly positive thing, and that you have the power to dictate the way things turn out (to an extent ofc.) you don’t have to kill yourself, you just have to change the way that you’re living a little. suicide isn’t going to cure you or stop things from getting worse, it’s just going to eliminate the chances of anything ever getting better, while irreparably hurting those that love you in the process. you have to at least try to believe me when i say that if you keep going, if you keep making it from one moment to the next, then you’re not going to regret it.

i think it’s really important for you to know that you’re genuinely not alone. you don’t have to fight this all by yourself. there are so many people out there that can relate to what you’re going through, and so many people out there that are specifically trained to help you deal with your own mind. i know a lot of people hate the idea of talking to a professional, but if you haven’t done so already i’d really really recommend it. even just talking to your parents/ a family member about it can make all the difference to begin with. you can also get in touch with a therapist, a support group, or any mental health organization that specializes in giving guidance and advice. i get that it’s scary and weird, but it won’t be as bad as your brain is trying to convince you that it will be. each small move you make is going to add up into something great, i promise. please don’t let your mind write the idea off before you’ve even tried it. mental illness is just that - an illness. you need to treat it with the same level of seriousness that you’d treat any sort of physical illness, you know? a lot of the time this sort of thing needs real medical attention and care in order to overcome it, and that’s okay. you’re not a lost cause and this isn’t a hopeless situation, not at all. you are the only person that can pull yourself back from the brink of this, man. and i know that you’re capable of doing so, i know that you’re able to endure a lot more than you realize, but until you know it for yourself you’re never going to truly believe me. the point is you have options, options that are way more practical and intelligent than taking your own life. there is help out there, you just need to choose to find it.

look, please please please just keep going. if you’re doing that, then you’re doing more than enough. your perception of yourself and of the world right now is an unreliable one, and it’s being clouded by what you’re going through, but you don’t have to believe every negative thought/emotion you have. just breathe. know that you have a right to be here, just like everybody else. know that you’re supposed to be here, just like everyone else. and your thoughts/feelings don’t change that, they don’t take away from the importance of you. okay? you are so much more than you think you are, dude. and there is so much more to it all than the things you’ve seen and the things you’ve been through. seriously, i promise that if you stay alive you’re not going to regret it. especially if you actively make your mental health a priority by reaching out, and doing what you can to help yourself. i’m going to leave a few links that will offer further support/advice, please please check them out if you have the time. i’m honestly always here if you need someone to talk to, or if you need a friend. if you think you’re going to do something stupid, and you can’t turn to anyone else, please come to me before you do anything. i care, and i’ll listen. as long as you stay alive. i know it physically feels like you can’t, but you can. and that’s the thing. you can, even if doesn’t feel that way.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201204/fighting-suicidal-thoughts

https://headsupguys.org/five-steps-overcoming-suicidal-thoughts/

http://www.dpmanual.com/articles/how-do-i-feel-real-again/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/01/24/7-quick-ways-to-calm-down/

http://imwiththeclouds.tumblr.com/post/38347319557/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide

https://psychcentral.com/lib/lifestyle-tips-for-dealing-with-depression/

http://www.calmandcourageous.com/grounding-technique-reducing-depersonalisation-derealisation/

ways to find help:

https://www.thepennyhoarder.com/life/wellness/low-cost-and-free-mental-health-services/

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html