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jaeheewillalwaysbemyfav · 3 years

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[The following ask is just an attempt on my, Winter's, part to exploit a quirk in tumblr's code that keeps formatting from copy/pasted items when answering an ask on desktop as opposed to making a text post.]

MC is a Phoenix and Child of a Famous Magic User

A slightly modified request fill for @guardianoftheunderworld090! This ended up getting away from me a bit, and by a bit I mean a lot so uhhh Oops! Because of that, I didn’t end up doing the dateables+Luke, so apologies! But this is already probably wayyyyy off from the original request anyway.

Again, oopsie :3

Content Warnings: Temporary character death, spoilers for Lesson 16+, brief implication of immolation (but not really bc, y’know, phoenix), mild-to-moderate blood and injuries/violence

As soon as they learned their name, everyone knew of MC. While not quite on Solomon or the great witch Maddi’s level, their parents had made quite the name for themselves in the magical community. Their pre-existing knowledge of magic and the supernatural was therefore completely expected.

Less so was what happened when they died.

Mammon had been cradling their body when it happened, still too stunned to react to his smug younger brother gloating about taking out such a fragile, weak creature. The entire House of Lamentation was in shock: MC, the human they had come to cherish, was bleeding out right in front of their eyes and there was nothing they could do to stop it.

The Avatar of Greed’s breath hitched as he felt their pulse fade, watched the rise and fall of their chest cease…

And then he screamed as MC’s body burst into flames. They were scorching hot, but left no marks on him nor the surrounding area. On instinct, Beelzebub darted forward to pull Mammon away from the inferno, his protests weakened by surprise and grief. Belphegor was knocked backwards off his feet by the force of the flames, and they all watched as the fire raged on, until it began to take on a recognizable shape.

Not of MC, but of a brightly coloured flaming bird.

The phoenix cocked its head to the side, as though assessing its surroundings, eyes passing over each of the frozen brothers before rounding on Belphegor. It shrieked, puffed up feathers interspersed with jets of flame, and charged the youngest with its sharp beak and talons bared.

And suddenly it was no longer a bird.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” MC yelled as they continued to slash at Belphie. A large pair of bright flaming wings arched behind their back, threatening to torch anything they touched. “I LITERALLY RISKED THE WRATH OF LUCIFER FOR WEEKS TO HELP YOUR SORRY ASS GET OUT OF THAT ATTIC AND THIS IS HOW YOU THANK ME?! WITH MURDER?!”

Blood pooled in Belphie’s mouth from a particularly nasty slash across his lip. He spit to the side before replying, “In my defense, most people stay dead when you kill them!”

“THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO—”

“...MC?” Levi said, voice small. “I-Is that really you…?” His tail swished behind him anxiously.

MC turned their attention to the rest of the brothers (one set of talons still embedded in Belphie’s leg, in case he had thoughts of running).

Beel was stock still, eyes pointed ahead but staring at something beyond the room. Asmo was crying silently, though his expression was neutral and wide eyed. The gears in Satan’s head were visibly turning even as he shredded the sleeves of his shirt with his claws. Mammon was misty eyed, with such an open expression of love and want and hurt that it made them want to cry as well. And Lucifer… The Avatar of Pride’s usual mask of stony superiority had crumbled into something lost and broken.

They looked back to Belphegor, who clutched at his leg, his own tears threatening to spill from his eyes. They slowly remove their talons from his leg and face the group, folding their wings inward until they regain their humanoid form.

“I guess I have a bit of explaining to do, huh.”

Lucifer

Too many things have happened so fast, he doesn’t even know how to respond.

Not only has MC apparently been having secret meetings with Belphegor, not only are the pacts they’ve made with his brothers just tools to free him, not only did Belphegor then betray them and attempt to kill them, but they’re also… A phoenix?!

Distantly, hysterically, he thinks, how in the three realms is that not on their file?

“Oh, I’m also not technically from this timel-”

Lucifer shushes them. He can’t deal with any other reveals right now.

Once… everything is dealt with, he allows himself to be curious about MC’s origins.

Have they always been this way? Were they adopted by their parents, a familiar given human form, or had something gone wrong one day with a spell?

He’ll never ask them though. He knows origins can be touchy subjects.

He grounds himself in the practical. Does MC know how to control their abilities? Are their needs being met? Are there any additional accommodations they require?

Sometimes, when their wings are out, he can’t help but be reminded of the similarly fiery wings of the seraphim from home the Celestial Realm and feel nostalgic.

His more possessive side also relishes the fact that they share a connection through association with birds, especially considering how some varieties of phoenixes tend to resemble peacocks.

It must be difficult for them to preen those large wings, do they need any help? No, it’s not that he wants to, don’t be ridiculous. But if they ever want his help...

Mammon

Once the initial shock of “holy shit the love of my life just BURST INTO FLAMES IN MY ARMS” fades, he’s just happy MC’s alive and well.

But he does put on a front of being upset that they never told him about their nature.

“Stupid hu— uhhh, phoenix, I worried for nothin’! Wait, no, I wasn’t worried at all—”

“Sure you weren’t,” MC retorts with a smile.

Seriously though, why didn’t they tell him? He’s their guardian, their First, he should know these things!

Do they think he’ll… try and take advantage of them because of their powers? He’d never!

Okay, maybe when they first met he might have considered it, but not now! Not now that he…

One night, Mammon and MC are up late watching some terrible Devildom romcom. MC has long since fallen asleep, and one of their enormous wings is draped over Mammon, pinning him in place.

The flames interspersed amongst their feathers are short and glow only dimly, like dying embers. Occasionally, a few will flare slightly or twitch as though a breeze has blown by.

“...I was really scared, you know,” he murmurs to their sleeping form. “I really thought you were gone. And I realized at that moment that I… I can’t lose you. I love you so much MC. You’re worth more to me than anything else in the Devildom, than anything in all the three realms. Please don’t scare me like that ever again…”

MC doesn’t stir, but the flames on their wing follow Mammon’s hand as he pets the warm feathers. They’re only pleasantly warm, with a smooth, silky texture to them.

He snuggles closer to them and drifts off himself, comforted by the heat of their body, human and avian anatomy alike.

Leviathan

Levi cannot believe his luck. He finally gets himself a friend he can really trust, and then his younger brother (who was trapped in an attic by the way, NOT in the human world like Lucifer said, because oh yeah, also Lucifer’s a liar) kills them, and now they’re—

It’s too much to process at once. All he can latch onto is that’s them, right? That’s really his MC, his Henry, the one person outside of his family who doesn’t dismiss him as some gross shut-in?

Once he’s assured himself that they’re safe, he’s immediately hit with the rest of the surprises to process. He hugs MC tightly against himself, whether to protect them from Belphegor or himself from… everything, is anyone’s guess.

It takes a long time for Levi’s newfound clinginess to dissipate. He refuses to let MC be alone around Belphegor under any circumstances, even if it means leaving his room more than he’s comfortable with.

In this time, he learns a lot about MC.

He learns that they seek to cool off the same way he seeks out warmth, and that this makes them excellent cuddling partners. He learns that they let out very adorable chirps of squawks when caught off guard.

He learns the hard way that a phoenix in love is a fire hazard.

But he also learns that he’d risk every item in his collection to see MC’s radiant smile.

Satan

Set the phoenix thing aside, Satan thinks to himself as he rushes over to inspect MC for injuries. Set it aside.

Once he’s sure they are unharmed, he turns his attention to Belphegor.

The Avatar of Sloth is lucky MC got to him first. Satan wouldn’t have stopped at a warning strike. Belphie knows from the murderous glare shot his way that it is only the presence of the others that’s stopping Satan from taking his revenge.

His fingers linger in their wings. MC’s feathers are all out of sorts, but there are no bald patches indicating any serious burns or other wounds. Still, Satan cards through them carefully, checking and double checking for any signs of damage. MC fidgets under his attention.

“Uh, Satan?” They’re blushing. “That kinda tickles.”

“Oh! Oh, um, sorry, I was just— you’re okay, right?”

They let out a small laugh and bop him gently with a wing. “Everything’s in working order, don’t worry.”

“That’s— Good, that’s uh, that’s great.”

“...Go ahead, you dork,” MC prompts with a smile. He blinks at them owlishly. “Ask your questions!”

He does, over the course of the next couple of weeks, in between therapeutic pranks against a certain youngest brother.

Asmodeus

As MC is born again from flame, Asmo learns the true horror of love.

He had always been the one to invoke passion in others: to seduce loyal partners and drive others mad with desire, to twist their love into lust and unleash its destructive potential. Despite this, he never really understood the feeling himself, why something as ephemeral as a feeling could drive humans to such extremes.

But seeing MC wounded and bloody, watching the light in their eyes dim, the Avatar of Lust had felt the call of blood and rage and grief and love for the first time. And watching MC dust themself off as they explain their unique heritage, Asmo realizes that those feelings would have destroyed him. He would have done anything and everything to bring MC back to him, given up any part of himself just to see them one more time.

So forgive him, MC, if his movements ever slow to a stop while preening your wings. If he sometimes stares at you with awe, or holds you tight enough to bruise.

His heart has never been anyone’s but his before, and he is so very afraid of getting burned.

Beelzebub & Belphegor

Oh this is Not bringing up good memories at all.

Something about seeing MC and Belphegor, bloody with the scent of fire and death in the air jumbles his senses and suddenly they’re not in the House of Lamentation but the battlefield and she’s been struck down, he was too slow, he chose his twin over his sister can he live with that? Can any of them? She’s falling she’s falling and he’s falling and they’re going to—

When he snaps back into awareness, Beel is restraining a hissing and spitting MC as they scratch and claw at him to get to Belphegor, the one wing Beel didn’t manage to pin down flapping about erratically.

Their movements only stop when they feel hot tears on their back. MC calms down and shifts more gently in Beelzebub’s grasp, turning to face him.

“Beel, it’s okay,” they say, cupping his face with a bloody, taloned hand. He smells the blood and lets out a sob.

Belphegor moves to comfort his twin, but MC’s wings snap open, shielding the pair in a ring of fire and feathers.

“I— I…” He can’t form the words. You died, my brother killed you, he’s here, you hurt him, why is he here, why did he hurt you, how did— “Please,” he says, finally.

MC frowns, hesitates. But slowly, they lower their wings and step aside, letting the twins reunite. As they embrace, Belphegor shoots them a look, but it’s not hateful. It’s not regretful or apologetic either, more of a profound confusion.

Despite demons’ regenerative abilities, Belphegor remains mostly bedridden for quite some time. It seems a phoenix’s wounds negate most healing factors, and the 5 pronged gash in his leg is particularly stubborn in its refusal to close. He jokes that the slow recovery must be because MC will never forgive him for what he’s done. Beel chastises him and says they’re more forgiving than he thinks.

Still, Belphie is surprised to see MC join Beel when he comes to change the youngest’s bandages. They hold out their hands, revealing 10 strange, press-on caps over their talons as they assure Belphie they won’t hurt him.

Where Beel is overly cautious and gentle, MC is practiced and efficient as they inspect, clean, and redress his wounds.

“Is this your way of apologizing?” Belphie can’t help but ask, earning him a stern glare from his twin.

“For attacking you after you killed me, not knowing it wouldn’t take? No,” they reply around a mouthful of medical tape. “It’s an excuse to talk.” They gesture for Beel to move his hand from the gauze pad so they can tape it down.

“You want to talk with your would-be murderer.” MC gathers up the garbage and old bandages to toss them in the trash.

“You’re not the first person to try, you know,” they remark as they dust off their hands.

“What?!” the twins shout in unison, Beel nearly dropping the scissors he was putting back into the first aid kit.

“I’ll tell you about it if you tell me why…” MC gestures broadly to Belphegor, “this all happened the way it did.”

This exchange of stories does not repair MC and Belphegor’s fraught relationship. That is not how wounds heal. But nevertheless, some weeks later, the House of Lamentation has a movie night. And sandwiched in the middle of the familial cuddle pile is MC, Beel, and Belphie, each tucked under one fiery wing.

#obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me fanfic #mine #my writing #lucifer #mammon #leviathan #satan #asmodeus #beelzebub #belphegor #as you can see this stylistically got very far away from me lmao #i'm not sure how i feel about it #eh #c'est la vie

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argisthebulwark · 2 years

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I feel like if the listener died Cicero would feel like such a failure. I mean, the brotherhood (and especially Cicero) has literally been looking for a new listener for YEARS and then tld comes and finally they have their new listener!!! But then if they died??? If after so long of looking for a new listener said new listener DIED????? Cicero would lose it, he would completely lose it.

oh he would go crazy go stupid. Especially if he was at fault for losing the listener??? during cure for madness when he’s curled in on himself, feigning injury as he waits for the listener to sneak through all of the traps he set for them. The guardians, the troll, the spikes, they just won’t die. Anxiety starts to seize his mind - he didn’t want to be the one to deal the final blow. If they died in some trap or to some old ghost it wasn’t truly his fault. It was their fault for chasing him and trying to kill him. it wasn’t Cicero’s fault.

below the cut bc it’s dark. Cicero losing his shit during Cure for Madness. Minors DNI, TW for mentioned violence and death.

He just had to get back to Mother. The Listener would fall to one of his traps and he could escape. He would return to Mother and find safety for them, somewhere far from Astrid and her blasphemous group. He would find search for the next Listener, someone who truly followed the Tenets. He just had to survive.

When the Listener silently swung open the final door, their stained armor covered in frost and their dagger sheathed, Cicero felt a burst of hope somewhere under the crushing anxiety. The Listener was his friend! How had he forgotten? Cicero loved the Listener. The Listener loved their Keeper, too. They stood up for him when the Brotherhood members called him names or mocked his devotion to Mother. Cicero couldn’t hurt the Listener.

“You caught me!” Cicero squealed, raising his hands. “I surrender!”

He realized his mistake too late. The Listener saw the dagger in his hand and in a flash, their weapon was brandished. Their relaxed stance disappeared into one of combat, their eyes narrowed under the hood. His friend was gone. The Listener was going to hurt him for what he’d done.

He lunged, mind spiraling in a mess of anxiety and self preservation. He had to get back to Mother at all costs. Mother needed him more than he needed the Listener. He’d gone decades without hearing a word from her, he could survive a few more until the next Listener found their way. He had to return to the Night Mother.

When Cicero fell to the ground, panting and exhausted, he stared at the Listener. Their hood was still up and he waited for them to say something, to insult him or call him insane. The only sound was his labored breathing.

“Oh, Listener.” Cicero cooed, tapping his friend on the shoulder. “Silly Cicero is proud of you, heroic Listener. You put up a good fight, even if I was fooling you.”

They still didn’t speak. Cicero felt his stomach drop and he crawled closer, knees scraping against the frozen stone floor. His hands were numb when he tugged back their hood, eyes staring blankly upward.

“No, no! No!” Cicero screamed, brain already clogged with worried thoughts. Mother was going to be mad at him. Astrid would know what he’d done, the Brotherhood would never let him see Mother again. He’d never see the Listener again. They wouldn’t stand up for him. He was alone. Cicero was alone.

Keeper. The title rang through his mind, mocking him. Cicero smacked his hands over his face but it wouldn’t stop. Keeper. You’re supposed to care for the Listener. To find them and keep them safe. Failure.

“Stop it!” Cicero shrieked, knees tucked tight to his body. He needed the Listener. Mother needed the Listener. He grabbed at their arm, every bit of him pleading for them to respond. “Listener, please!”

#cicero #asks #anon #writing

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realcube · 3 years

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pillow fights!

characters ♡ bokuto, nishinoya & suna

content warning ♡ fluff, violence, mentions of death & minor injury

kōtarō bokuto

♡ bokuto had been really fixated on practise recently so the time he spent with you was sparse. and what little time you did get with him, he was way too worn out to be his usual, chatty self

♡ finally though, he was able to take a few days off so could make up for the last few weeks with you :))

♡ he took you to a spa resort so you could both relax and spend time together in a calm, non-hectic environment.. but ofc y’all started a pillow fight in your hotel room

♡ so y’all are in your shared hotel room, admiring how soft and comfy the pillows are until he throws one right at your face and it almost knocks you off your feet

♡ he’s on the floor cackling so ofc you take this opportunity get a bit of revenge and smother his face with the exact same pillow he tried to take you out with

♡ you purposefully don’t press it against his face too hard but he frantically squirms underneath you, before suddenly stopping after 10 seconds, pretending to have passed away

♡ unimpressed, you remove the pillow from his face but only so he can see how you rolled your eyes at his poor acting skills, ‘no one dies after 10 seconds with no oxy--’

♡ unbeknownst to you, he had led you straight into his trap

♡ now that your grip on the pillow had loosened, he snatched it from your hands before slamming it down against the top of your head

♡ he doesn’t know his own strength so if you’re not on defence then your head will be wiped clean off hjkxjhkx (/h)

♡ ‘bokuto!’ you yelled through gritted teeth, clenching your fists and gluing them to your side so you didn’t use your knuckles instead of a pillow

♡ he wasn’t a fan of you using his legal name rather than the cutesy nicknames you gave him, so his blood ran cold and his perked up slightly, clutching the pillow to his chest, ‘who is bokuto? you mean ‘kō’ ? you mean ‘babe’ ?’

♡ you couldn’t help but scoff at how he gazed up at you with longing, puppy-eyes, complemented by a pout —as if he was your innocent, sweet boyfriend who didn’t almost give you a concussion a few seconds ago. ‘no. i meant bokuto.’

♡ before he could respond with more whining, you swiped the pillow from his clutches and slapped him across the face with it, to the tune of your chaotic, somewhat sinister laugh

♡ after that, bokuto literally pounced on you with cuddles- it had gone to far, in his opinion. you had gone mad with power so the only way to bring you back down to reality was with hugs <3 plus, he hadn’t found the opportunity to spend quality time with you in ages, so ofc he tried to make the most out of this situation

♡ ‘babe!’ he cried, pressing his lips against your as he picked you up and dumped you onto the bed, jumping on shortly after to smother you with his affection, ‘i missed you!’

♡ your eyes widened, slightly shocked at his sudden change in attitude but you weren’t too surprised as bokuto always ends up doing this after weeks of dedicating himself to work. and honestly, you anticipated it.

♡ ‘we’ve barely talked because i’ve been so focussed on practise and i’m so sorry! i still love you — i always have and will!’

♡ you weren’t too sure how it went from a pillow fight to this, but either way, you were now reassuringly stroking his back while he cradled your head in his arms, ‘it’s fine, kō.’ you giggled, placing a kiss upon your considerate boyfriend’s temple, ‘i never thought you didn’t love me but it’s always nice to hear it. i love you too.’

♡ absolute bliss was the only visible emotion on his face after you placed a kiss on the tip of his nose, ‘great! oh!’ his eyes lit up as he whipped his phone out of his pocket, ‘do you wanna watch that show we started?!’

♡ it took you a moment to realise, but once you did, you blurted out, ‘oh, that show? babe, we started it like months ago; i’ve completely forgotten what was happening.’

♡ he shrugged, his usual boyish grin gracing his features, ‘that’s fine! we can start from the beginning.’

♡ you smirked, prying your gaze off his cheerful golden eyes to search the beside table for the tv remote, ‘sure. but we’re not watching it on your phone. i mean, we paid for this expensive hotel room so we may as well use--’

♡ then, you felt a sudden yet soft tap against your shoulder. your eyes immediately darted to look at bokuto, who was wearing a mischievous smirk while holding another pillow

♡ ...

♡ y’all stayed up to 2AM- and no one on your whole hotel floor got a wink of sleep that night due to both of your chortles and screams

♡ but y’all had fun ^^

yū nishinoya

♡ just bc you are his boo, the love of his life, his bitch, his guardian angel, the reason he gets up in the morning and the deity he pray to every night, does NOT mean he’s going to take it easy on you during a pillow fight

♡ it not even a pillow fight tbh.. it’s a pillow WAR

♡ his whole love language is decking you while you’re trying to pound him into the mattress with a pillow

♡ and he screams a lot too pfft like war cries

♡ he just goes absolutely feral when you try to pillow fight him

♡ and you better be ready to go hard bc if you light hit the back of his head with your cushion, with the thought that the pillow fight would be playful, sweet and fun- you could’ve been more wrong

♡ it’s only fun for the person who’s not getting the daylights smacked out of them

♡ but since it’s only pillows, y’all never usually get hurt or sustain injuries from it

♡ nishinoya was close tho- flashback to that one time he fell off the bed and missed hitting his head off the sharp corner of the wardrobe behind him by like..a millimetre

♡ that could’ve been a trip to the infirmary :o

♡ but one time, the metal part of the zipper on the cushion scratched the back of your hand

♡ it wasn’t anything awful, there wasn’t even blood. it was just a scratch. it was on the joint of your finger though so it hurt slightly to move your thumb..

♡ ‘ouch..’ you muttered, staring down at your hand which you cradled with the other. you were quick to back out amidst the chaos of the fight with noya

♡ nishinoya quirked a brow, hesitantly setting his pillows down to approach you, peering over your defences to see what you were looking at that was concerning

♡ ‘what’s up, babe? are you o--’ he cut himself off with a sharp gasp as he laid his eyes on the small mark on your skin. his hands instantly shot up to cup yours, ‘did i do that?! i am so sorry!’

♡ you shrugged, smirking slightly at how his whole ‘warrior’ exterior had now fallen, revealing the soft noya who genuinely cares too much for his own good, ‘i’m not sure. it’s no big deal though, i’ll just put a plaster on it.’

♡ before you could even head in the direction of the drawer with plasters in it, nishinoya had already dashed over there and back, brining the whole whole of first-aid stuff with him

♡ ‘are you okay? does it hurt? do you need a painkiller? should i call someone?’ he asked, frantically looking through the tray until he found two boxes of band-aids, ‘ok- do you want the cars one or the plain one? wait- should i disinfect it first? and how big should the plaster be?’

♡ needless to say, your whole hand was wrapped in bandages once dr nishinoya was done with you-

rintarō suna

♡ he can’t even fight with you playfully for long with getting tempted to pull you in for a kiss

♡ also he doesn’t get as into the fight as the other two- like night time is for sleeping and the fact you are trying to start a fight with him just results his natural instinct to play-dead kicking in

♡ the way he just lays there while you ruthlessly hammer him with your pillow is honestly quite funny

♡ what he doesn’t know though is that there is a tiny grin tugging at his lips since he gets a whiff of your sweet scent on the pillow whenever you slam it against his face, which is reason you continue bc you can tell he’s enjoying it

♡ he doesn’t put up much of a fight tbh

♡ eventually gets tired and pulls you into his embrace with one arm while snatching the pillow from your grip with the other

♡ he chuckled as you struggled against his chest, bonking your head with the pillow lightly before loosen his grip on your head slightly, allowing you to finally breathe instead of being suffocated by his chest, ‘are you done yet?’

♡ you shook your head, which he reciprocated when he noticed your grabby hands towards the pillow — aka, your weapon.

♡ ‘your not getting this back.’ suna replied monotonously, petting your head with a honeyed smile and slipping your weapon behind his head to relax on.

♡ ‘sleep.’ was the final thing his said before his eyes fluttered shut, looking exactly how he did while you were attacking him..but more serene

♡ and that’s usually how it ends when you try to start a pillow fight with him- it ends with nap time 🙄

♡ UNTIL he gets an energy drink in him

♡ then it’s a different story

♡ the roles quite literally reverse

♡ except suna is now chasing you through the house-

♡ his pillow swings aren’t even that hard but he has a really freaky expression on his face so you just run lmao

taglist: @scftfairyking @the-astrumnauta @thefutureastronaut @itsmeaudrieee

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loveablehands · 3 years

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RED GUARDIAN. absence makes the heart grow fonder.

there’s a reason why natasha & yelena knew where alexei was being kept: and it’s not just bc they’re spies and/or because it’s easily accesible information.

alexei genuinely tried contacting them multiple times. to the point of excess. and he succeeded, multiple times, enough to get the information to them about where he is, where they could find him, in a top secret government prison.

did he love them, as children? a good question, as he was not supposed to, was never supposed to. they were girls---and their organization treats girls, especially young girls, as trash that is made useful by becoming objectified murder dolls.

and alexei... he is, at his core, a self-centered, selfish and vain kind of man that often times feeds into the misogyny despite or maybe because of his tankie status. he was born for violence, he was born for great feats of heroism and patriotism and, while he believes in an end to capitalism and that the west is altogether evil---he is prone to chauvinism and violence & wanting glory above justice, action above kindness, immediate satisfaction and validation over true relationships.

melina and him were never more intimate than they needed to be, and he never wanted to adopt children in the fist place---always thought that if he was able to have children (as he too was sterilized by the serum) he would want little alexeis running around with his face & blood, and most of the time he spent with his ‘family’ were literal outings where they would PRETEND to be a middle class american family, doing things he hated at malls and museums and top secret photo studios in yelena’s most treasured memories, but doing much, much less intimate and vulnerable and fun things than that on average.

natasha & melina talk about how the photographs of their holidays in their scrapbook were all fake and there weren’t even any presents in the boxes, and yet natasha still experienced joy at this memory (likely bc while they had little in common and were very little like areal family---melina & alexei’s great senses of humor shined right through and made it fun for their children, and yelena’s childlike joy was infectious, but still). likewise, for the less than three years they were together---every outing and time spent together for milestones and major events was meant to be as empty and american as possible, even if it didn’t feel that way bc they tried to make it seem real and fun for the girls. even when alexei says goodbye to his girls---it is not with his real, true voice, his real, true accent. he is pantomiming an american father. he is not permitted even to tell yelena where she comes from, much less any stories about his own father, his own family, his own pride.

still, alexei and melina were mostly all alone in ohio, in a time before the internet and iphones so readily connected people across countries and borders. they would both spend a lot of time waiting for orders in discrete locations---wanting to hear from the people who raised them---who FELT like family, who FELT like friends. there were other families just like theirs---but spread so far apart, they felt completely alone sometimes, and trapped with each other, trapped with two little girls who they were not TAUGHT to love, who they were not taught to raise. they were forced to deal with the day-to-day aspect of raising them AND training them regardless. and in these moments, melina and alexei and natasha and yelena all found a strange kind of love, a dysfunctional kind of love, a camp kind of love where alexei and melina used their sense of humor to cope with this leave it to beaver lifestyle and made something special and warm about it.

because at his core, alexei has always had the wry, silly dad kind of humor. the kind of dad that sticks his tongue out at babies and infants and makes them laugh like no one else can, especially after an argument. who is thoughtful while still being rude, who is gentle while still being moody.

alexei doesn’t know if he loved his girls while they were truly his girls. not enough to count. not enough to save them from himself and every other man in russia.

but after the events of the opening---he was basically thrown in prison almost immediately after. and he went from having the world at his beck and call, to having only three people to care about and who cared about him---to having no one, no one at all, being a total joke in the prison.

and he just. kept checking up on all of them as much as he could. he would reach out to them almost constantly. mostly melina---to see if she could get him out of there. but as natasha and yelena grew in notoriety----well, he started asking them for favors too, interspersed between telling them how proud he is of them. AND HE GENUINELY IS PROUD of the great things they’ve done for the country, and how those have become his achievements when he COULD NOT make his own achievements. his girls, his achievements. their trauma, his pride.

getting in contact with them honestly isn’t easy--and it hurts, when he hears nothing back, but he shakes it off and keeps trying, keeps listening to tales of their latest exploits, and then, embellishing on them in his own stories. they’re giants in his head, heroes, the avenger and the greatest child soldier ever.

when he says they came! he’s not honestly surprised. he’s surprised they didn’t come SOONER. he never gave up hope, not truly.

bc in his head---they ARE his girls. he’s spent so much time alone, so much time talking about them. he’s grown quite fond of them and the fantasy of a family he has in his head of them, just like the fantasy in his head of beating captain america, of being the red guardian. he has a dream they will become a real superhero family team like the incredibles or something. he’s happy to see them. not sure why they’re not happy to see him.

he’s developed a relationship with them in his head that does not exist, and is too stubborn and willfully delusional to pretend to be normal---pretend that he ACTUALLY thinks he could have POSSIBLY hurt them, pretend that he actually thinks he wasn’t the best thing that could have happened to them. until the end.

they are a real family to him, now. the closest thing he’s ever had to one, and in his head and his heart, he spent every moment with them, slinging around tall tales to his fellow inmates in between tattoos to the point they might as well be real.

and, like a true, real dark bad dad humor fashion, every trauma he’s inflicted on them wasn’t that bad even if it IS his fault, and is, in his version of the truth, actually quite funny! something to drink and laugh about! you’re old enough to drink and laugh now, aren’t you, girls? lets drink and laugh then. you know this reminds me of a time when my father---

(he might not apologize that well for everything, but he’s at least willing to go against the people who put him in prison that he’s devoted his life to, and that’s something, right?)

#black widow spoilers #[ fandom: black widow. ( POSER. ) ]#[ hc: alexei shostakov. ( LISTEN. of fathers & ice fishing. ) ]#[ ch: alexei shostakov. ( IT STILL FITS. ) ]#[ fandom: mcu. ( CINEMATIC. ) ]#[ fandom: marvel. ( MARVELOUS. ) ]

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mybiasisexo · 4 years

Text

Reverent

Genre: Angst | Fallen Angel!au

Pairing: Suho x Reader

Length: 1.8k

Warning: Religion (?) | Blasphamy (?)

Summary: Suho’s dull life takes quite the turn when he stumbles across a beautiful demon

Author’s Note: @byunfirstlady here is the roughest of rough drafts of the angel!suho fic I promised like 2 years ago smh. I really need to give it the attention it deserves bc it could really, truly, be something great. Until then, here is what I have for now. Mind you it is not edited and I plan on changing a lot of things about it, but I really like the narration, idk, its kinda beautiful??? Title is also a WIP

MASTERLIST

credit

What do you miss?

That was the question Suho thought constantly. It repeatedly flowed through his brain. Oh, so many answers to the question! But, undeniably, being in good grace was the most regretful.

He made his choices, fair enough. Some would say he shouldn’t had been able to do that much, he knew all too well, free will wasn’t of his domain. Yet, look where it got him.

Trapped. Stranded on an insignificant sphere that twirled around mockingly as a cruel reminder of all that he had lost.

Time to him meant absolutely nothing. It was yet another thing out of his domain, but some years such as this, he dreaded the slowness of it. Dreaded the reminder that he was stuck in this vacuum they called Earth, waiting for a day that will never come.

For him to finally be forgiven.

His eyes squinted as he took in the corn yellow sun. It was almost blindingly white, as if life itself had sucked away all of the vibrant hue. This part of the world was like that: dreary. Filled with washed out blues and browns, dusty and dry. It wasn’t a place he preferred, he found himself more at home in large metropolises, surrounded by people too busy to recognize such a raw entity, although they could still tell when around his presence that something was…off.

It was a blessing and a curse, Suho supposed, his soul. If he even had one. If he could even call it that. That was the one thing that reminded him of who he truly was. After being stripped of everything, that was all He left him with. Naked, shaking in humility, bleeding for the first time, and radiant.

He could leave the holy place, but it would always reside within him.

Lately, he felt lonely.

That’s what had brought him here—the loneliness. Being imprisoned upon the Earth for as long as he had, you grew to become lonesome. There were many ways to try to compete with it, but as long as he was an outcast, he would forever be lost in his isolation.

His closest friend throughout it all was the sun. The bright mass of energy that warmed his hard skin always reminded him of the love he once had—that he still had. The sun kept his faith alive. And as it rose in the morning, it brought with it the start of a new beginning.

He could never turn back time.

That was probably why he disdained the word so much.

His attention was pulled away from the hovering orb, brought to the young man of which he came for. The boy with the brazen skin.

He was beautiful, this could not be denied. As he rushed out of his house, keys clanking in his awkwardly large hand. He was late again. Suho tisked, but his eyes widened with what followed after the boy.

An unfamiliar woman trailed behind him, not nearly in as much a hurry as the one before her. Her face was otherworldly beautiful, built to invite, built to seduce.

The boy was in the car in no time, speeding away in a hurry, leaving dust in his wake.

The woman stopped, not taking after him. Instead, she lifted her head and locked eyes solidly with Suho.

He gasped as she smiled angelically and then the dust lifted, barricading her from view.

Once it settled again, she was gone.

~*~

Suho could barely recall the last time he saw another one of the Fallen. About fifty years, give or take. A demon? It had been a bit longer. There were fewer of them, although some of the fallen seek refuge under the dark wings of the under lord. It was why they were created after all, to follow, to serve. If not to Him than to his enemy. The two of them were more similar than they thought, although Suho would never dream of telling either one—not like he would ever get the chance to. Lucifer terrified him and God… well, they weren’t exactly on speaking terms.

Even though it had been a while, he recognized a demon when he saw one. What did she want with the boy? Puzzled, Suho pondered what drew the creature to him in the first place.

Speaking of places, this wasn’t Suho’s at all. He never considered himself a vigilante, as many other Fallen do. Their sense of purpose and protection overwhelming them to do right. That was mostly those who were guardians in the past. Suho was not in that field. No. This foreign sense of concern drew from something else entirely. He bit his lip, curling the warm mug in his hands closer to himself as he fought off the strange feeling fogging his mind.

The demon, right.

Demons were sent to Earth from the Under Lord to do his biddings. Simply, to coerce as many humans as they could. Drag them back to hell so that He could mourn the loss of yet another of his fragile creatures. Suho understood enough to know Lucifer took great pride in hurting Him however he could. Another lost soul was a victory to him.

She must have saw something within that boy to make her decide to latch. Suho had been watching him for a while now, and this was the first he had seen of the dark entity. Maybe she felt it…. No, there was no way. Suho was being careful, meticulously so. There was no room for error as far as his involvement and he meant to keep it that way.

He was that boy’s protector, now more than ever, he had a duty to him.

It felt good, having a purpose again. He had lost it centuries ago—a real duty, a call to be good.

Maybe after all of this was done, he would again be in His good grace. But it was still a wistful wish, one he refused to humor until it happened.

“Would you like another one, Sir?”

Suho lifted his head to the waitress and despite being a regular at this point, she still stuttered at his beauty.

He smiled, white teeth on display and her breath caught in her throat. “Please.”

~*~

A week had gone by without any sight of the demon. Suho tried to mask his disappointment with relief. It wasn’t as though he wanted anything to come to the boy, but it had been so long since he had been in contact with one of his own, demon or not. She had to have some sort of connection to their shared past.

He knew how demons worked.

Once they found a person to leech off of, they attached until their job was done, or the person fought them off. Suho watched an exorcism once. It was one of the hardest things he ever had to witness. That was a long time ago, using different methods, different practices. All the same, it was a memory that, to this day, gave him chills.

The boy was a religious man, oddly enough. Suho didn’t understand how, but every Sunday, he found himself at the local church, sitting in the back, listening to the spoken word.

He used to pray, but hadn’t in years. He wondered if it were his place too, if God ever listened to him or others like him. Or, like everything else, if it were only for them.

He was running late this Sunday. It was well into mass when he rushed towards the small, yet still elegant tan bricked church.

His quick steps came to a stop when he saw someone leaning against the wall, cigarette in hand. She wore torn leather pants that hung dangerously low on her wide hips, an equally as torn black wife beater that appeared more of a well-used rag than anything else as it barely covered the swell of her breasts, though her toned stomach was exposed. Her belly botton was pierced and a faded tattoo splayed over her abdomen. He couldn’t make out the word from this distance and the ink blended into her skin. A small black denim vest sat on her shoulders, leaving her arms exposed, tattoos dotted the limbs as well. Her jet black straight hair hung loosly. It was time for her to wash it. Her face, again, was angelic, despite her best efforts to be anything but. Big stunning round eyes surrounded by long eyelashes that brushed her chiseled cheeks whenever she blinked. Nose a button on the center of her face, lips full and pink, cheeks rosy, and skin flawless, not a blemish in sight.

He had her full attention as well. She took him in with a pleased smile, holding the cigarette up. “You think this will kill me?”

Her voice was just as attractive as her face, and the way she tilted her head left Suho breathless. He couldn’t seem to find his voice, struck dumb by her large presence. It had been a moment since he saw one of his kind, but he never felt a presence as strong as hers.

She noticed.

Never breaking eye contact, she dropped the small stick, putting it out with the heel of her boot. Than she motioned her thumb towards the building she currently leaned against where he could faintly make out singing.

“They won’t let me in. I thought this place welcomed all.”

“Why are you here?” He worked up the courage to ask. He knew why, but wanted her to say it.

She shrugged. “Thought our old man would be happy to see me.” She shoved her hands into the pocket of her jeans. “Guess not.”

“Do… Do I know you?” Suho pressed. There were hundreds of angels, all with a specific role/job. It was impossible to know them all, especially if this were someone who fell after him, but her energy was strong—too strong to be newer than him.

She shrugged again. “Maybe. When did you fall?”

“When did you?”

“Oh, so you’re the one in charge here I see.” She laughed, pushing herself off the building to come closer. “What’s your name, tough guy?”

Her breath smelled sweet. He hadn’t been this close to a demon before, refusing to have anything to do with them. They were everything He hated, everything He feared. He wanted nothing against those who had turned their backs completely from Him.

All the same, he felt complied to answer. “This land refers to me as Suho.”

“Suho,” she repeated, letting the word swirl around her wet tongue. “Korean, correct? Makes sense, that’s where we are.”

“It means—”

“Guardian.” She interrupted. “Fitting. You must’ve been one in your past life.”

His jaw clenched and she noticed.

“I’m sorry,” she said, not sounding apologetic in the slightest.

#Suho scenarios #exo scenarios #suho #suho scenario #exo scenario #suho drabbles #suho drabble #exo drabbles #exo drabble #suho oneshots #suho oneshot #exo oneshot #exo oneshots

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schoolfullofmorons · 4 years

Note

petey lowkey having a crush on gary for a long time bc hes a pretty bad boy, but it takes some actual therapy and a small reunion for gary to feel some actual LONGING to have petey in his life again. he becomes surprisingly soft and supportive, in his own way, with their renewed friendship, and it takes jimmy casually promising to kick his ass if he messes up with petey for gary to realize he might actually have developed some romantic feelings for their friend. cue panic and breathing exercises

July, 2007.

Here he stood, on the threshold of hell on Earth, about to talk to Satan himself, and he still wasn't ready to run.

Well, maybe that wasn't entirely accurate. Pete Kowalski, rising junior of Bullworth Academy, was very prepared to run from the menace that had tortured him last year. Gary Smith, the mentally unstable asylum patient, waited for him just on the other side of this door.

His palms had grown hot with sweat, and he nervously wiped them off on his clean, ironed jeans. Pete hated having generalized anxiety disorder. It made him nervous even about this, even about coming here, which was literally his own choice to begin with. The thought of facing his once best friend filled him with a mounting dread that made his throat burn with the urge to cry.

But Pete wanted this. He was determined to get the answers he wanted, because Jimmy and him had been fucked over. And Jimmy might have brushed his hands of Gary, Jimmy might have decided that he was done caring, but Jimmy wasn't Pete and Pete cared way too much. He needed to know why Gary had ditched them, betrayed them, left them to rot. He wanted to know the cause of all this.

And, deep down, maybe he missed Gary, too.

He had been standing there too long, staring at the door. Pete knew if he didn't act soon, the orderly that had trailed behind him would get annoyed. Licking his lips and swallowing down his own anxiety, he pushed open the door, letting the orderly shut it behind him.

And there he was, the mastermind himself.

Gary was so... different, in here, but in reality he still looked like a Smith. All sharp jawlines and piercing stares. When Gary rose his head to look at him, hair that was growing slightly shabby due to a month of no cuts falling into his face, Pete felt his heart skip a beat.

And then a grin passed over his face, his eyes lighting up with genuine joy. He launched himself off of the small white cot all asylum patients had been provided, and sauntered over to Pete with slow, calculated steps. Too proud and too arrogant for someone who was incarcerated.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here? Did Petey Kowalski decide to pay lil' ol' me a visit? The big, bad, awful wolf, Gary Smith?" Gary's words cut into him, and Pete felt the urge to wipe his hands off on his jeans again. His friend's eyes bore into him.

Why'd you do it? Was the question that sat on Pete's tongue, but instead he cleared his throat and avoided Gary's eyes. "I... wanted to check up on you. Y'know, see how you were holding up."

"Oh, look at that! He cares about me!" Gary reached out to sling an arm around him, bringing Pete in close with a sharp jerk that had Pete yelping. "Did somebody miss me? Just couldn't sleep at night knowing I was away, could you?"

"No, I-"

"I already knew you weren't straight, but this is taking it to a whole new level."

The protest died away on Pete's tongue and he swallowed as the familiar burning sensation hit the back of his throat. When he didn't get an answer, Gary huffed and shoved him, hard. Pete stumbled, hitting the cell wall and sliding down it.

"God, you're pathetic." Gary spat.

"Why do you have to be an asshole all the time, Gary?" Pete snapped, and in one sudden rush, angry words bubbled up and out of him. "For once in your life, can't you just accept that you're the one in the wrong? You're in a cell, for god's sake! Don't you realize that I'm the only one left who doesn't want you to drop dead? Half the school pities you and the other half hates you! You destroyed our lives! You took away our peace! You don't get to be calling me the pathetic one!"

The room fell silent enough to hear a pen drop. The air around the two boys grew thicker, and thicker, and thicker still with tension. Pete risked a glance at the boy who stood looming in front of him. He had to swallow back fear as he noticed Gary's hands were clenched so tight that the skin was starting to turn white.

Pete pushed himself to his feet, slowly, unwilling to startle Gary. If he moved too fast he was afraid that Gary would snap. A predator in a hunting crouch, moments away from delivering the killing bite. That's what Gary was.

"You know, I used to like you. I used to want you around. I used to think you were smart, and funny, and cool. But now you just remind me of a... a walking toddler, who throws a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way. I hope you get better, Gary. I hope you get the help you need so you can finally grow up."

Pete sidestepped Gary, who had yet to move except for his head, his eyes slowly following Pete back towards the doorway. Pete opened the cell door and looked back one more time, meeting eyes with the person he once considered his best friend.

And then he left.

September, 2008.

To the parents of Gary Alexander Smith,

I am writing to you to inform you that your son has completed rehab. According to his court order, this is the final step needed in order for him to be released back to the public.

Please note that he will still have to check in weekly with a nurse that will ensure he is still taking his medication. This will no longer be a requirement after his 100 hours of community service is over.

With this in mind, we will be releasing him on the 8th at 3 PM. We require a signature before his release in order to ensure that he is in the proper hands of his guardians.

Thank you for your time,

Happy Volts staff.

The reunion with his parents was about as happy as you'd expect with parents as terrible as his. Really, they didn't talk much through the entire thing; it was pick him up, take him home, and let him clean himself up before they had dinner.

It was the first meal that he had had in a long ass time that was actually good, instead of being almost edible. He really did have a newfound appreciation of his maids after that, though he'd never admit it to them out loud.

The thing about spending a year away from home is that it caused him to reflect on things he could have done differently. It also made him realize that a lot of the shit he had done his sophomore year simply didn't... matter. Maybe it was the medication, and the advice of actual doctors from the state after being transferred from Volts and their terrible medical department, but Gary was beginning to see things in ways he had never thought to see them in before.

For example, he was pretty sure Jimmy had never said anything all that terrible to him. Where had he gotten that idea from? Yeah, some of it was an addiction to power, but he was pretty sure the other part was perceived rejection. Learning about rejection sensitive dysphoria really did help him out in a lot of ways. He just wished it had been explained to him sooner, before, y'know, he betrayed all of his closest pals because of an inexplainable fear that they hated his guts.

(Which now they probably did. Go figure. Pete's words still ate at him when he tried to sleep at night).

That didn't matter as much now, anyway. He wanted to know what he'd be doing. He wasn't trapped anymore, with only medical professionals and other patients that had, admittedly, been really kind to him when they weren't Bullworth Branded(tm). He wanted to know what his future would be like, now that his head was much clearer.

When he asked his father, the response he got didn't surprise him much.

"We've decided to respect Crabblesnitch's decision and homeschool you. It'll be best, in order to prevent anymore... incidents."

And so began the process of sleeping, waking up, eating, being immersed into various studies by a freshly hired tutor with a bitchy voice that Gary tried very hard not to snap at, eating again, and going back to sleep. This pattern only broke on days where he had been assigned community service, or had an appointment with his psychologist.

As the days went on, he began to make the effort to expose himself to the outside world. Being locked up made him unusually skittish around people, and he was still having trouble getting used to the crowd that was his father's staff. This led to him climbing onto the roof of his father's house as he watched the sun dip steadily over the horizon after a long day of studies.

Being in high places had been a huge comfort when he was a child. He liked to watch the world, and he liked to feel in control by being able to see his surroundings. His friends would occasionally join him. He had many memories of Pete's smile catching on the sunset, or his nervous expression watching him as Gary got too close to the edge.

This was their place first, before it became his and Jimmy's. He wondered, briefly, if Jimmy still thought of their battle as often as Gary did, or if Gary just did that because it was the last substantial thing he had ever done with himself before the lock-up.

He really missed those two.

He got it, though. He couldn't have them back in his life. They had both kicked him out, and that was his own doing. He had hurt them, and he might regret it, but he had to let go.

He just didn't know how, when he didn't have anyone else.

December, 2008.

He finished his community service. Christmas break came, and since he had been working so hard on catching up with his junior year studies, his father had allowed him to take it off for himself. He was grateful at the idea of a break; he had been working tirelessly, and was nearly three quarters of a way through his junior year. He wanted to catch up to his senior year already, so that he could graduate in May like the rest of the Class of 2009.

Suddenly filled with free time that he did not want taken up by family, Gary found himself wandering into town more than he had previously. At first he didn't go far, but as the days passed he found himself going on longer strolls until he found himself deep in the heart of Bullworth Vale.

He should have known it would be easy to be spotted there, considering the gym was a hotspot for prep activity. Jimmy's lighthouse was also down here, causing Gary to avoid that spot as much as he could.

It was a smart idea, by all means. Unfortunately for Gary, however, Jimmy was king, and the preps told him everything. Especially Gord, who he'd had an on-and-off relationship with for a few years now.

That's what led to his peaceful stroll being interrupted by a massive fist slamming his head into the side of a brick wall, so hard that his ears rang.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Came a familiar voice in his ear, and his blood ran cold.

"James." Gary grunted into the brick wall. He tried to lift his head up, but was deemed unsuccessful when Jimmy's fist jerked him back down, causing him to wince. "What is it you want? I was busy."

"Busy doing what? Making the smiles of tiny children disappear?"

Gary had to remind himself that Jimmy was completely justified in this reaction, but it was hard when his cheek was beginning to fucking bleed.

"Get off."

"Not until you tell me what you're doing out of jail where you were supposed to rot."

"I got released! I finished the stupid program, okay? Let me go!" Gary hissed, and to his surprise, Jimmy did.

"What program are you talking about?" Jimmy asked, crossing his arms. Gary rubbed the grit off his face and took a moment to let his eyes wander over Jimmy's freckles.

Jesus, he forgot just how many James had. He was like a freckled forest.

"Technically a bunch of different programs... rehab was one, and I went through some community service hours." Gary shrugged. "Does it matter? I'm out now."

Jimmy's face contorted into three different expressions of confused anger, and Gary had to stop himself from laughing out loud at it.

"Like hell you're coming back to Bullworth-"

"I'm not, actually. I'm being homeschooled." Gary replied, smug at his one-up despite his best efforts not to be. It was just easy to feel smug around Hopkins.

(He wondered, briefly, why he wasn't downright pissed at Jimmy for sophomore year; but it had been a long time since then, and Gary was different, more different than he'd ever been).

"What? How long has that been going on?"

"Since September." Gary told him.

"Oh. Wow."

The two of them stood in an almost awkward silence, and Gary flicked his eyes over to watch the road as cars passed by. He had almost zoned out when Jimmy spoke again.

"So, what? Are you scheming to get back in?" When Gary turned his eyes back to Jimmy, the shorter boy was squinting at him, looking suspicious.

"No." Gary said, honest. "I'm not going to bother you, either, if that's what you're going to ask."

"Why? Not that I don't appreciate your kindness or whatever. I'm just trying to understand."

"I get it, don't worry." Gary shrugged and sighed, turning on his heel to face the road. "Honestly? I've had a lot of time to think. And... I messed up with the two of you. Bad. I don't want to pressure you into having to deal with me again, because, well... I fucked up your lives. I understand that now, I understand how bad it was back then for you. I wasn't going to seek you out, but I suppose thinking that I could hide from you forever wasn't necessarily the brightest idea."

"I can't believe this." Jimmy mumbled. "Gary Smith? Showing remorse? Who would of thought."

"Yeah." Gary said, quietly. "Wild idea, for sure."

The two boys stood looking at the cars in a slightly more comfortable silence. It had started to lightly snow, and Gary rubbed his gloved hands together to create the idea of warmth before he half-froze to death.

"I don't know if I forgive you, you know." Jimmy spoke.

"Yeah, I figured." Gary murmured. "And you don't have to."

"I think if you're putting in the effort, I'd like to forgive you." Jimmy told him, and Gary turned his head, regarding him with surprise.

"What you did was... terrible, to be frank, but I've seen worse. You weren't all that bad, back before the fight with Russell." He shrugged and Gary continued to stare. Jimmy had liked their friendship? It felt like a crazy idea.

"And I think... I think Petey really misses you, too." Jimmy shifted to glance at him. "He... told me, about your fight."

Gary didn't like thinking about it, much less talking about it. He clenched his hands into slight fists and let out a small huff. "Really? Man..."

"Its fine, really. I mean, I was pissed at the time and so was he, but I think he just misses you now." Jimmy turned his whole body towards Gary, suddenly furrowing his brow. "Hey, give me your hand."

"What?" Gary frowned. "No, get your own hand to hold."

"I'm not tryna flirt with you, dumbass. I'm gonna write Pete's number on your arm."

"Pete's - what?"

"You should apologize to him." Jimmy said, matter-of-factly. Bewildered, Gary handed Jimmy his hand. Jimmy took a pen out of his pocket and uncapped it, scribbling a hasty number on his wrist, just above his glove.

"Pete's parents had enough money to get him a cell phone. He can answer texts but texting back is a slow process so he prefers to call." Jimmy pocketed his pen. "I'm sure you two can work it out for yourselves though."

"Why are you giving this to me? I thought you hated me." Gary asked him, pulling his arm back to run his fingers over the messy digits that were gracing his skin.

"I never hated you, to be honest." Jimmy told him. "I was mad, but I never hated you. I was always rooting for you, Gary."

"I see." Gary replied. "Thank you, then, James."

"Of course." Jimmy clapped him over the back, causing him to stumble. "See ya around, crazy man."

He went home with black ink on his wrist and the words I was always rooting for you stuck in his head on repeat.

January, 2009.

Gary procrastinated all of Christmas break away thinking about calling Pete.

He didn't know why the task was bothering him so much. It hadn't been difficult to apologize to Jimmy, but then again, he knew he had been wrong about Jimmy going into it. Admitting to himself that he had no idea what Pete thought of him was a different challenge that was taking a lot of effort to push through.

There was also the part of Gary that had finally, finally let him accept that he missed Pete. And now he was getting a second chance with him, to fix things. To make things right.

He really, really didn't want to screw things up. That's why he was having so much trouble with this one, stupid, idiotic phone call.

(Rejection sensitive dysphoria, thou is a heartless bitch).

He was once again by the house phone, twirling the wire around his finger as he held it up to his ear. He chewed on his lip as he continued what had become a daily debate in his head: to call, or not to call?

Fuck it, he said, and dialed the number.

Pete picked up on the third ring. "Hello?"

Gary took in a sharp breath as the static in his head got louder. Was this a good idea? Probably not. Why did he trust Jimmy? Jimmy was a moron, how would he know what Pete thought?

"Hello? Is this a prank caller?" Pete asked, sounding slightly annoyed.

"No!" Gary spoke and then cleared his throat. "No, uh, its-"

"Gary? Is that you?"

"Yes! Yes."

"Holy crap, I thought you were still in-?"

"No, I got released a few months ago. I ran into Jimmy and he said you've missed me, so-"

"If this is going to be another teasing session about how 'homosexual' I am, I swear I will end this call right-"

"No no no, its the opposite actually. I wanted to apologize."

The line fell silent, and Gary shifted from foot to foot as nerves raced through him. Pointless restless energy. Only ADHD things.

"Look, I really messed up with you."

"Uh-huh. I know."

"And I wanted to say I really, really regret it. You were one of my best friends."

"And?"

"And I'm sorry. You deserved so much better than how I treated you."

Another silence. There was a noise as if someone had sat down a dish. "Listen, if you expect me to just accept, then I don't think I can do that."

Gary's finger twitched and he rested his head back on the wall. "I understand."

"But I'll give you the chance to prove that I should accept." Pete's voice was quieter now. "You just... you just have to prove it to me through actions, not say sorry and go right back to being a jerk."

"Yeah." Gary said, equally as quiet.

"Do you want to meet up sometime? To catch up?" Pete asked, and Gary had to fight to keep down the grin spreading over his face.

"I'd like that," he answered.

He might not have been forgiven yet, but he'd take what he could get.

They made plans to meet at a small cafe just outside of Bullworth Vale that following Thursday.

Pete Kowalski, senior of Bullworth Academy, sat in the quiet coffee shop that he had recommended for his and Gary's little "outing."

He had brought his laptop, as he had an essay due for his current English class and like hell was he going to pass up an opportunity to write it in a quiet space. He had actually arrived early in order to start it, since he knew Gary liked to ramble on, and he wanted to get some work done before he was interrupted.

He also wanted to think, which he had been doing between writing paragraphs analyzing the societal symbolism in The Scarlet Letter. His thoughts were turned towards the boy who he was currently meeting today, his good friend, Gary Smith.

He had missed Gary, if he were being honest. That didn't make him any less bitter about the things Gary had done to him, but it was still a cemented fact nonetheless. Gary Smith just... felt like his own addiction. Once you were around him once, he wouldn't get out of your head, and you wanted to see him again and again.

So Pete had decided to meet him here.

Of course, Pete wasn't stupid by any means. If Gary showed up acting like he had the last time they met, Pete would end all arrangements here. But Gary had shown... actual remorse. It was more than he had seen from him in a long time.

He just, really hoped it would work out well.

When the time came for him to show, the small bell over the door rang, signifying that someone had entered the coffee shop. Pete lifted his eyes and was immediately faced with the boy he had been crushing on for a good few years now.

Gary Smith, although he looked significantly less Smith(tm) now, his facial features softened but what could only be newfound maturity. Gary's brown eyes scanned the room and landed on him, and Pete swore his heart fell into his throat.

He was just so handsome. It wasn't fair, when Pete was supposed to be angry at his dumbass.

Gary approached the table, a lot less intimidating in his stride but still as confident as ever. The closer he got, the more his face cracked into a grin, sporting the gap in his teeth.

"Petey. Long time, no see!"

Pete couldn't help but smile faintly. "Hey. Go ahead and take a seat."

Gary slid into the table opposite from him and reached over to grab Pete's cup of coffee without warning. "What are you doing?"

"I could ask you the same. That's my coffee, Gare." Pete huffed and watched as Gary froze halfway to putting the cup to his mouth. A red blush spread over his face and he grumbled, setting the cup down.

"Yeah, sure. Don't share then."

"Don't be a dick. And I'm working on my English essay, to answer your question."

"Essays aren't too hard to write as long as you can focus on them."

"Well, yeah." Pete shrugged and looked down at the computer. He knew Gary had pretty much a natural talent at anything academic. "It just takes up a lot of time."

"What's the essay on?"

"The Scarlet Letter. You ever read that book?"

"Duh? Everyone in our grade has read that stupid ass novel. Its notorious for being boring." Gary rolled his eyes and Pete cracked a smile.

"Yeah, it honestly is. Doesn't stop the teacher from assigning it, though."

"Did you get Galloway again?"

"Nah. Got an actual competent teacher who makes us do stuff."

"Oh, I bet Bullworth isn't taking that one well." Gary smirked and leaned forward. He practically radiated smugness. "How has it been, with ol' James Bitchfucker Hopkins there to rule it?"

"You know, you could be nice to him for once instead of insulting him every other sentence." Petey chastised and rolled his eyes.

"Its our dynamic, Peter. Gotta insult him before the weirdos think I'm getting soft on him." Gary laughed. "Now answer the question."

"Yeah, yeah. Bossy." Pete looked at the words on his screen and then sighed, closing his laptop. Seems his work time was over. "Things have calmed down a lot, actually... the cliques all kind of kiss up to Jimmy, and in turn he settles all their disputes for pocket cash before they can get too violent. Its honestly kind of nice?... A lot of people have, uh, come out recently, and Jimmy's been beating up people who make fun of them."

"Come out?" Gary eyed him. Pete wasn't sure if he was making up the accusation in the burning stare or not. "As in...?"

"Gay, of course." Pete's cheeks burned. He almost wished he hadn't brought it up. "Jimmy is - he's bi, you know? He's been talking to a lot of kids who have come to them about their sexuality, like, um, Mandy-"

"Mandy??? The girl who is always clinging to a guy?"

"She doesn't do that anymore. She even talks to the nerds now, sometimes. As in, like, nicely." Pete shrugged and shifted. "She, she came out as a lesbian."

"What the hell." Gary furrowed his brow. "Did Jimmy put queer shit in the water?"

"Gary, don't say that, its rude. And no, Jimmy just..." Pete chewed his bottom lip and smiled. "He's supportive."

Gary pursed his mouth into a tight frown and Pete narrowed his eyes, his smile falling. "If you say something homophobic, I will cut you."

"Jesus, Pete, I leave you alone for a year and a half and you turn into the sass master. No, I wasn't going to say anything homophobic." He scoffed and turned his head to the side, purposefully ignoring Pete. Pete felt his cheeks burn.

"Okay, well, I just - wanted to make sure. Since, you know. I'm bisexual."

Gary snapped his head around to stare at Pete, and Pete felt his cheeks grow darker. "Stop looking so surprised. You already suspected it."

"I thought - I didn't - what?"

"Weren't you the one to call out the fact that I stared at boys for too long, repeatedly, for years?"

"I never thought you'd actually admit to it."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't have if I'd had stayed around you." Pete said, coming off colder than he meant to. When Gary's face fell, he blushed and put his hands up. "I- shit, I didn't mean it like that, don't get upset. I just... you weren't the most accepting, Gary. I needed someone who would be so that I could experiment without feeling dirty."

Gary stared at him and then glanced out the window, huffing and setting his face in a tight line. "Yeah, okay. I get it. You don't have to explain."

"So... are you okay with it?"

"Obviously." Gary turned a glare at him, looking annoyed at the implications, and Pete smiled softly.

"Cool."

The two boys fell into a familiar routine after that, with Gary visiting the coffee shop after class on Wednesday to talk. On weekends, when he had nothing to do, he would call up Pete or Jimmy - sometimes even both of them - and they'd walk along the train tracks, talking as they relaxed in the quiet wilderness.

It was nice.

February, 2009.

"So I was like, dude, can you shut up already and give me the dang pencil? I don't care if it has MLP on it."

Gary snorted. "Is it really that surprising that Trent was into MLP?"

"No! That's why I didn't give a shit!" Pete laughed from beside him, and Gary couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him. Pete's laughter was infectious.

Their shoes made crunching noises on the gravel as they walked along the train track. They had been walking like this for a good twenty minutes as they caught up on their week.

"Valentine's Day is coming up." Gary mused. "Do you have a date?"

"Who? Me? Pete Kowalski, the quiet kid? Please." Pete chuckled softly, but it sounded sad more than anything.

"Hey, I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt." Gary teased and gently shoved him. "Do you have anyone you want to date?"

"What, like a crush?"

"Yeah."

"Well..." Pete hesitated.

"You do have someone." Gary grinned as Pete returned to his side. "Who is it? Don't tell me its MLP boy."

"Trent? Ew, no. I'm not Jimmy, man."

"Is it Jimmy?"

"What?"

"Is it Hopkins?" Gary rose an eyebrow. Pete blinked, seeming caught off guard.

"No, of course not. I mean, Jimmy is cool and all, but..." Pete shrugged and glanced away. "I just, like someone else."

"Who, then?"

"Why do you want to know so bad?"

"Because I'm curious. Bite me."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Satisfaction brought it back. Just tell me, Pete, please?"

"I..." Pete stopped abruptly and Gary turned, alarmed as a frown made its way on Pete's face. "I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

Well, that's not weird at all. Gary let his eyes roll up and down Pete's figure, reading his body language (which screamed I'M SAD! in all caps), and then sighed. "Okay."

"Thanks." Pete smiled softly.

Gary wondered just why it bothered him so much in the days to follow.

Gary finished his junior year assignments and started his senior year courseload, feeling a lot happier now that he was in the proper grade level, even if he was behind by a small margin.

Despite that, his thoughts were mostly on one person: Pete.

For some reason, it bothered him knowing that Pete had a crush. Especially one that he wouldn't tell Gary about.

It felt like... this strange mix of anger, worry, and sad that Gary wasn't quite able to process.

Mostly because it felt an awful lot like jealousy, and he was not going to be jealous over Pete Kowalski, especially considering that had even deeper implications such as the idea that he might not be as heterosexual as he once thought.

Not that he had ever been attracted to girls, which... honestly, confused him more. Did that mean he was gay? But it couldn't. He hadn't ever been attracted to anyone except Pete. Maybe he wasn't... anything. Maybe he was just Gary.

Did sexuality have to be as labeled as Pete and Jimmy's? And, fuck, why was he even considering this in the first place, he so totally did not have a crush on Pete because he was NOT jealous.

A loud snap brought him out of his thoughts, and he realized he had broken his pencil. Fuck.

March, 2009.

February passed with little to offer. Valentine's Day found Gary wandering Bullworth Vale - Pete said he didn't feel like leaving the house, and Jimmy had a date. Overall, it was uneventful, except for the fact that Gary couldn't stop thinking about Pete.

Spring break would be coming up, the first week of April. Jimmy had suggested that they go camping by the train tracks. Gary had agreed, trying to ignore the pounding of his heart when he thought of Pete being there, sharing a tent with him.

April, 2009.

"Tent building is hard." Gary breathed out heavily as he leaned across a nearby tree.

"Lazy ass." Jimmy passed him with some firewood in his arms, hitting Gary lightly over the head. Gary rose an arm to shove his hand away.

"Shut up. Pete's complaining too." Gary pouted.

"Pete's different." Jimmy passed said boy, who was sitting on a treestump, and gave him a friendly smile. Gary felt jealousy pulse through his veins.

Okay, so he had accepted he was jealous. But that didn't mean anything. So.

"Pete's a loser." Gary retorted and playfully smirked at the boy, who rolled his eyes.

They had spent the first hour or so setting up camp before the sun went down. It had made two out of three of them tired, with Jimmy being unable to feel exhaustion ever.

As Jimmy began to build the campfire, Gary moved from the tree he was leaning against to settle next to Pete. His heart beat hard in his chest as their knees brushed.

"So, little Petey, are you ready for a night with the creepypastas?" Gary teased and shoved him lightly.

"Shut up. Its bad enough that you've been trying to get me into them without mentioning them here." Pete huffed at him, putting one hand up to shove his face away. Gary laughed, ignoring the tingle that ran through his skin where Pete's hand made contact.

"They're fun! Come on, your gay ass can't tell me you don't find at least one of them attractive."

"They kill people!"

"So?"

Pete opened his mouth to respond, then seemed to think better of it, pouting instead. "Shut up."

Gary felt his face slip into a familiar grin. He let his eyes trail over Pete's face as the boy turned away to watch Jimmy, taking in his soft brown eyes. When he smiles he gets dimples...

He felt a burning stare pierce through him, and slowly turned his head to see Jimmy giving him a knowing look with a raised eyebrow. Gary felt panic shoot through him, but externally he kept his face in the same grin.

"Done yet, James?"

Jimmy studied him curiously and then looked back at the fire. "Yeah. Should be enough for the night."

"I brought stuff for smores." Pete smirked and moved away from Gary. He tried not to be disappointed at the distance.

"Hell yeah, we like, gotta roast marshies. That's the first fuckin' rule of camping." Jimmy smirked and sat down by the fire. The sun wasn't down yet, but it was steadily approaching the horizon - it would be sunset soon.

"Marshies?" Pete laughed. "Are you in grade school?"

"Hey, don't diss my flow. Marshies are the bomb, man."

"You're so weird." Gary rolled his eyes and Jimmy shrugged.

They spent the next few minutes unpacking the food, preparing to make dinner. The campsite they had picked out had a grill nearby, and Pete had brought burgers for them all to eat. Jimmy lit the grill and left Pete to cook as Gary stayed by the fire just a little ways off.

"Hey." Jimmy greeted, his voice quiet as he sat down next to Gary, moving to rest his hands on his knees. "I need to talk to you."

"What is it?" Gary rose an eyebrow. "Does Pete need help with something?"

"Nah, that little dude's got it all figured out. I was gonna grill but he insisted. He's had a fascination with cooking ever since his parents decided he was old enough to touch the stove." He chuckled and shrugged.

"Then what?" Gary pulled his knees to his chest, eyeing Jimmy out of the corner of his eye suspiciously.

"Look, man. I don't want to pry, since I know it isn't any of my buisness, but... I see the way you and Pete look at each other."

Gary felt his blood run cold, and he turned his head to look at his friend. "I don't know what you're-"

"Earlier you spent like fifteen seconds staring at his face man, you were practically swooning like a stupid schoolgirl. Its so blatantly obvious that you like him."

"I..." Gary was at a loss for words, panic rising up in his chest. "No, no no no I-"

"I'm not going to tell him or anything." Jimmy held his hands up. "I just want to say... if you mess up with him again, I'm gonna have to kick your ass, alright? So, don't."

"What?" Gary breathed out. No, no no, it can't be that obvious. I thought I was hiding it better than this, I can't like Pete, I can't.

"I'm rooting for the two of you. You two deserve to he happy and its obvious he likes you back, so..." Jimmy shrugged and then furrowed his brow. "Are you okay?"

Gary realised then that he was hyperventilating. "What? Yeah."

"Gary, man, take it easy." Jimmy reached out, hesitated an inch away from him, and then gently allowed his fingers to snag around Gary's wrist once he was allowed. "Look at me. Focus on my hand. Breathe in, breathe out."

Gary took in a deep breath, letting himself focused on the calloused feel of Jimmy's hand around his wrist. He released his breath, and looked at Jimmy. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.

When he was calm enough, Jimmy let him go and nodded awkwardly. "You good?"

"Yeah." Gary muttered, embarrassment pooling in the pit of his stomach.

"So did I assume right?..." Jimmy murmured, keeping his voice low. Gary nodded, looking into the fire. The heat coming off of it soothed him.

"Really? Does that mean you're gay?"

"I... have no idea?" He could feel his face flushing. "Look, don't tell him, okay? I've only figured it out recently-"

"Recently? You've been looking at him like he's your princess ever since you came back into our lives."

"Don't tease me Hopkins, okay? Fuck you. I was in denial about it, it isn't every day that I actually like someone, let alone like them in that way."

"Yeah, yeah, you're an emotional robot, we get it." Jimmy rolled his eyes. "I won't tell him. But you should. He likes you back, I can tell."

Did he? Gary pursed his lips together and stared into the fire, choosing not to comment. But why would he?

He spent the rest of the night in bewilderment as they roasted "marshies," told horror stories, and eventually went to sleep in the tent. It was weird, sleeping beside Pete with the revelation he had just been presented, and he tried very hard not to freak out.

Eventually, morning came, and Gary got up, groggy from anxious sleep. They had to pack up and then they'd be heading back.

He really, really hated the disappointment he felt because of that.

May, 2009.

Gary decided that emotions were not something he was very strongly suited for.

He had been avoiding Pete, unsure how to feel about his conversation with Jimmy. Part of him still did not want to accept that he was capable of a crush, let alone a crush on a guy. (God, his father would be so pissed). The other part of him wanted to accept it and let go, because Pete was cute and smart and kind and... well, Pete.

As the month went on, Gary found himself missing Pete more and more. It was easy to cancel plans under the guise of schoolwork, but it was becoming excessive. And, well...

Maybe it was time for him to admit to himself that yeah, he was queer. He wasn't sure of the proper term (gay? bi? who knows) but he knew he was LGBTQ+ of some origin. And...

Well, Jimmy had given him a vote of confidence. Maybe he should just go for it.

He held off for a few weeks, but Gary was never one to deny himself what he really wanted. And he wanted Petey to look at him, more than anything.

He decided that he'd have to do this. It was time. And, readying himself, he began to devise a plan.

Pete had a burning frustration for all days dedicated to couples. He had always wanted to be a part of a relationship. It wasn't that he hated being single; he just... wanted to know what that connection was like. And, well, he also wanted to like someone that was actually obtainable for once.

Because of this, he tended to lock himself in his dorms during those days. And, here he was once again, in his dorm.

It was Prom Night, and Peter Kowalski had bought a new book to read to distract himself from the painful torture that is Being Single.

A knock on the door distracted him from Pip's adventure into newfound wealth. He stood up and went to answer it, curiousity pumping through him. Jimmy was the only one who ever came to his dorm, but Jimmy had told him he had a date tonight.

He opened the door to find Gary Smith there, a grin on his face and a suit in his hand. He was dressed in formal attire of his own, making Pete's heart skip a beat.

That is, until it hit him. "Gary? What are you doing here? You aren't allowed on school property."

Gary shrugged. "It isn't like the Prefects will care anyway. Its prom, Pete."

Okay, he had a point. "Still... do you have a date or something?"

Gary's grin widened. "Yes, actually." Abruptly, he shoved the suit into Pete's hands. "Get changed, we're going out."

"What?" Pete furrowed his brow. "But... what about your date?"

"Do I need to spell it out for you? We're going out. I already bought the suit for you and everything."

It clicked in Pete's head, and he flushed a bright red. "Oh!" He squeaked. "Okay!"

He went back in his room and quickly changed. He had not been expecting this, and part of him was still sure that it was a prank? (If it was, well, he'd deal with it later).

Pete stepped out of his room in the new suit. Gary's eyes scanned down over his body, and Pete flushed red, fidgeting nervously. "Is this... okay?"

"Its perfect." Gary told him, reaching out to grab his hand. Pete could see the faintest traces of red blush on Gary's face. "Let's go."

"Wait." Pete stopped him. Gary turned to him, looking annoyed. "For clarification. Are - are we dating now? Like, um, boyfriends."

Gary narrowed his eyes. "Ugh, that's such a stupid term."

"Well?"

"I guess. If you want to be b-words then I'm here for it." Gary glanced away from him.

Pete broke into a grin. "Okay." He said, very quiet, as happiness settled in his chest.

"Are you ready now?"

"Yeah. Yeah, let's go."

#gary smith #pete kowalski #psychofluff #peter kowalski #petey kowalski #canis canem edit #cce #bully scholarship edition #bse #bully #long post #i tried putting a read more but tumblr hates me #ask #anon

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revol-lover · 4 years

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i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok.

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though.

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend.

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020 but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic.

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

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notasiren21 · 4 years

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My Romance Kdrama Rankings and rec.:

*warning: possibly a lot of spoilers but tbh mostly just a redone synopsis of the shows*

Also a bit lengthy as hell

#12. Melting Me Softly

This show didn’t do that well as much as it was expected to, considering it even had Ji Chang-Wook as the male lead and the adorable Choi Bo-min who was introduced and quite possibly helped quick start the recognition for his kpop group Golden Child. I’ll admit I expected more of this and I don’t hold anything against the script writer who I heard did Strong Woman, but I kept in mind that the whole premise itself was also very complex to work with. Besides the fact it had two very cute and good looking male leads to draw me in, what really did it was the said premise. This is coming from a girl who is in love with Fallout 4 where the playable character was cryogenically frozen and then thawed out two centuries later, that shit slaps with me for some reason and I was excited to see it play out in this.

The romance is okay I guess, still “aww” worthy and has an intense kiss scene that’ll go down in Ji Chang-Wook’s kissing portfolio no doubt, as well as a hot kiss with his former and now aged flame that is only dreamt of. What drives the romance is the male lead with his puppy dog eyes and loving gaze, only a few have COMPLETELY mastered this in the kdrama buisness. Choi Bo-min was a complete adorable cutie who seemed to have fallen in love for the first time and I couldn’t help but fall in love with him (we’re also the same age but that’s besides the point and I’m completely in love with Rocky from Astro so like, I gotta keep this professional).

Time and time again I have issues with female leads in dramas and feel like the men pick up the slack when it comes to acting, this was one of those times. She was funny and quirky but seemed very out of focus on serval aspects. I think her most redeeming trait besides being made for the media and entertainment business in the show was her completely devotion to her brother.

#11. Suits

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Park Hyungsik is my favorite korean actor hands down.

I’ve seen bits of the American version, the original version, and it didn’t interest me in the slightest. I took a chance on this because I saw this cutie wearing a suit and converse and maybe that’s my kink, who knows, but I was fucking HERE for it. Now I’m a huge slave to romance and the shows, romcoms, that shit. I need to ship, I need to see the love, possibly write a fanfic of it, save gifs of the couple being cute or someone pining. But this show didn’t focus on the love story brewing on the side, it focused on its original intent and purpose which was Park Hyungsik and Jang Don-Gun’s partnership as mentor and mentee, the practice of law, and Park Hyungsik’s storyline as someone who got mixed up in the wrong crowd and fauxed having the license to practice law. The love story you get is the reason it’s on this list and why it’s ranked lower, but all in all this was a good show and one of the few exceptions to a non romance focused show.

#10. Suspicious Partner

The only reason this doesn’t have a pic is because I can only use ten and I gotta figure which would need one and which wouldn’t.

To start off, this show is fucking hilarious with the cast dynamic. It was like what, 40 episodes? I didn’t realize I needed a prolonged show until this came along. At times, it seemed like the main plot was dragging and I was reminded of why I prefer typical kdrama fashion of a one season within 12-32 episode limit, but it made up for it.

Yes, yes, Ji Chang-Wook, the god of kissing, stars in this. My first introduction to him was actually Melting Me Softly and because of how he did in acting with what he could, the emotions he portrayed, I sought out another show of his pre-military duty. God, he fucking serves in glasses and a suit. His character’s jealousy regarding Nam Ji Hyun (his romantic interest) and Choi Tae Joon (Ex best friend, slow burn, exes to friends to platonic lovers that’s one sided while the other can’t stand him, 35k words) instilled the notion that he is fucking funny as hell when needed and such a mood. You want to see the (not even romantic rival bc Choi and Nam are best friends) spraying with a water hose on your lead’s rival? Want to see a hot guy like Ji Chang-Wook panic and try shoving him out of the house when the girl catches them working out? It’s gold.

The feud with the moms -granted they didn’t realize the knew they were the mom’s of the leads-, the slow burn of enemies to friends with the girls, the redemption of a broken friendship, the crackhead and large old baby played by Lee Deok Hwa and the poor father figure who is tired of everyone’s shit portrayed by Jang Hyeok-jin. It’s everything you need for at least a week. It’s possibly a great starter show to ease one into the fact that most dramas don’t hold to that many episodes.

The romance is great, the fucking pining on Ji Chang-Wook’s side is great, the kissing scenes are fucking one for the history books, and you’re guaranteed to be giggling to yourself in several scenes.

Oh and there’s like, a serial killer but yeah, romance!

#9. What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?

The reason why it’s not so high on my list despite being popular is quite possibly some of the side cast.

While Park Seo Joon and Park Min Young severed as a fucking power couple and their tandem dynamic was strong as hell, there were characters who made the show’s story seen to drag out despite it being 16 episodes (see what I mean by usual number??). For one, we learn that a brown haired Lee Tae Hwan is not gonna make for a silent crush in this show. No, brown haired Lee Tae Hwan just gets on your nerves and despite it being purely because his character is mentally blocked in this twisted memory, he forces the main character into staying isolated within his own pain and nightmares from what really occurred when they were children. He lies to his family, keeps it hidden from those who are close to him and love him, suffers alone. It’s what keeps him away from chasing after Secretary Kim besides his egotistical personality -which I never thought could be so great but it is. The main character’s brother in his endless pursuit to chase at Secretary Kim himself starts to gnaw on your chill as you watch him subconsciously force this notions that they’re tethered to one another, deserve each other, etc. While you can’t entirely fault him for how he is given the psychological trauma he endured, you can get annoyed with him very easily for the other accounts and purposes.

The side story of the roof top guy with the one suit -I’m sorry, he’s great in 2PM but I can’t stand him in about every drama he’s in- and the seemly rookie girl become more of an obstacle when you just want to watch the main focus. The driver of the main character is hilarious but his romantic interest is over the top at times. Sometimes it just takes away from the show.

#8. Hotel Del Luna

Ah, I wish I could’ve put a pic.

To kick this off, can we like get a spin off with Kim Soo Hyun? Thanks.

FINALLY, A FUCKING FEMALE LEAD I STAN COMPLETELY AND WOULD WATCH EVEN WITHOUT YEO JIN GOO THERE FOR A ROMANTIC INTEREST.

This bitch, IU, fucking slays in her role as a hotel owner for the dead before the leave for the after life. Everything she does is iconic -yes, the fucking cocking of the rifle, the child like smile seeing diamonds, blessing the poor boy with the ability to see the dead then let him get chased per her own amusement before business. I really would’ve watched the show even if there was no romance. Whether it’s modern times or her orignal lifetime before being condemned to a life of immortality hell and aimlessly running a hotel, she makes for a strong lead. Her reasons for wanted to avoid love seemed so valid compared to other female leads who completely brush guys off. She doesn’t want love, and yet she doesn’t want anyone else touching Chan Sung (Yeo Jin Goo) because she’s not dumb enough to let go of something that makes her feel alive. While her character is legitimately described as cold and greedy, her intentions for holding onto him reveal an insecure part of her that’s been tucked away for centuries. His dedication to the hotel and her, to helping the ghosts move on and such, it’s great and makes for a binge full night.

It’s only ranked lower because the ending sadden me when I realized it was him picturing how they would meet one another again. And because they teased us with Kim Soo Hyun, like that’s cruel.

#7. Guardian: The Lonely and Great God (aka Goblin)

Tbh, this show would be lower if it weren’t for the Reaper and Sunny, as well as Deok Hwa.

I’ll probably get a lot of hate for this, but I couldn’t stand Kim Go Eun in this. I’ve watched her in Cheese in the Trap and thought she was good and stuff, but this I found myself growing annoyed and glaring at the television while my mom preached upon her behalf. The goblin was funny, his dynamic and weird polar friendship with the Reaper is quite possibly what really made the show, but I failed to see the spark between them until the time skip. Then, THEN, I could tolerate her a bit better.

Maybe it’s because she was protraying someone around my age in high school, but she went from this independent and driving girl to someone who became too needy and clingy. She acted like a little girl in front of a crush when she could’ve handled it more marturely with the said maturity she showed before meeting him. Granted, I know she had a very difficult home life after her mom died and she saw ghosts everywhere, and her living with the Reaper and Goblin was like this warm family she felt safe in, but I just couldn’t. Her endless pursuing of the Goblin got on my nerves and she would get upset, but then again did she ever act like an adult and do the most natural thing? Aka sit down and discuss the whole situation.

“If you’re comfortable, can you tell me why you think I’m your bride?/Why is there a sword in you?/What happens if I pull it out?/ What do you want me to do?/etc”

No, instead it was a constant “I’m the goblin’s bride”, “I’m your bride”, there was this bratty entitlement laying underneath the cutest exterior that was so apparent for someone my age, and I got pissed when she admitted to have seeing the sword the first time around. Like this man has been in total agony for fucking forever and you strung him along hoping for the possibility that you may be the key to him finally getting the ending he thinks he’ll get. It was selfish, she didn’t even know him but insisted on seeing how to be his bride. She should’ve stepped back and thought the situation out carefully. It wasn’t until that blessed time skip that I started to like her better. She wasn’t a kid then and became mature like she needed to be. There’s the need to flaw a character, but her’s was always biting at me.

Oh yeah, Sunny and the Reaper are the true couple in this story and their love that’s star crossed in two lives really hits you. There was more chemistry than the main couple, there was confusion in flirtatious banter, there was stupidity for first time romance against a tired experience woman, there was the hidden history that they both remembered after the time skip. The angst, the pure acceptance, the guilt and remorse. They made the fucking show alongside the Goblin and Reaper’s bromance and Deok Hwa’s “I just want a credit card and to be irresponsible but these two dumb fucks keep almost revealing their true selves to the world and I’m fucking done with these children”, on top of God taking his body as a vessel and becoming 10x cooler with that hairstyle while drinking with Fate (such a badass who loves her children I can’t, I stan the side character too).

#6. My ID is Gangnam Beauty

Oh my god, my introduction to Astro. Cha Eun Woo (aka Lee Dongmin). My god, if it weren’t for my mom, sister and I officially ruling Cha Eun Woo as god tier in terms of looks and making him this untouchable bias we can’t have, I would have never let this adorably hot as hell dancer and rapper distract me. Really, I kept wanting to be distracted by Rocky but I felt like I couldn’t miss the visual god in the front. Blessed I finally was able to divert my attention to the one I wanted to watch so very much and became my bias wrecker. Mom loves Moonbin like he’s her own son and we’re not her children, sister loves MJ’s psychotic idiocy.

ANYWAYS, the female lead, Kang Mi Rae, was stiff as hell when watching it a second time around and at times, knowing their age gap can be bothersome, but it was a cute slow burn of her and Cha Eun Woo’s character, Do Kyung Suk (sounds badass too, doesn’t it). While he appeared stiff as well, probably could’ve played a robot if he wanted to, I felt like he did well portraying his character who grew up in a dysfunctional house where their political father’s position took presidence over family. He was taught it was unmanly you cry, he never smiled (idk how Cha Eun Woo did it, this cutie never stops smiling or laughing), he never spoke up, etc. He appears socially handicapped until Mi Rae appears back in his life and he slowly let’s go of this anger as the story progresses. She learns she doesn’t have to be so self conscious about her plastic surgery or who she used to be because he loves both.

The villian of this story was well thought out (only kdrama where my dad actively participates in the discussions because he hated her so much and says her name with such spite while bragging he knows at least one Astro member so that’s his “idfk what a bias is but I’ll go with the Gangnam kid”). She brought the tension and there was the window to pity her and realize something was most definitely wrong in a tragic way. She sought after Kyung Suk like a prized trophy when he didn’t express interest, stepped inbetween blooming relationships, set boys off a progressive course away from her, and turned one kid psychotic. That was just with her obsession to have the boys fawn after her; completely disregarding her endless efforts to knock Mi Rae down a peg or two in meticulously planned schemes. She was incredibly smart and cunning, it can’t be denied and she drove them closer together in spite of her tries to wedge between them.

Really, this made me wish that the Webtoon True Beauty that’s supposed to get a drama adaption will cast him as the main male lead Suho. It’s almost similar but Suho seems more dimensional and expressive and I feel like he would truly shine there.

Stan Astro.

#5. Extra-Ordinary You

Ah, this one hurts me. @macaknight, just watch it.

This is a young love one and one of the few that’s not absolute cringe worthy. Set in high school where yea, there’s drama and it’s in Asia so there’s that weird “all mighty and supreme group that conquers the school” called the A3, a girl (Kim Hye Yoon) with a heart condition learns she’s a character in a manga -doesn’t realize she’s not the main one tho and that’s hilarious alone. She finds a focus with this unnamed student who stays in the background and shadows (portrayed by SF9’s Rowoon). The girl, Eun Dan Oh, is someone to worship and cherish, especially since she’s so young and very promising. I thoroughly enjoyed her character and how her efforts to derail the natural progression of the story with the catalyst of student number 13, later on Haru. There’s so many fucking twist and turns, characters to let your heartbreak for as you wish to adopt them and protect them from the world, it all hurts so much but in a masochistic against yourself kind of way you can’t let go of.

Those who are aware they’re in a comic book, they all struggle to break their “character’s” roles and expectations. The second male lead of both the drama and the drama’s manga is sick and tired of playing the violin and being this unrequited love interest that’ll lose in the end, forever the friend. Dan Oh is livid she’s expected to die from her heart disease and is forced to endlessly pine for her childhood fiancé Baek Kyung who is a complete asshole to her while in character. Number 13/Haru is tired of being an unnamed background character who continuously suffers and gets toyed with by the author. Dried Squid Fairy lunch maker is sick of how he must remember shit that’s kept a secret as he tries in vain to keep the story on track to avoid repeated mistakes and consequential devastating punishments to those who don’t follow the storyline. Yeo Ju Da (the main character of the manga) wants to experience the love story she wants without the drama. Baek Kyung want to prove himself and that he genuinely cares for Dan Oh but is forced to be an asshole because that’s how he’s written.

It’s a fucking mess and it’s fucking fantastic. The friendship of A3 (Lee Do Hwa the vionlist, Oh Namju and Baek Kyung), Lee Do Hwa and Dan Oh’s powerful best friendship after being self aware and confiding in each other (honestly I want a drama with just two of them, they’re so cute and funny together), the A3 that happened outside for those self aware between Dan Oh, Number 13/Haru, and Do Hwa where they all genuinely care for one another, Dan Oh’s acceptance that her manga best friend is a bitch but nice to her and the male lackey of their group is funny, etc.

I didn’t think another self aware comic book character show could happen without ripping off W-Two Worlds, but it did. They did it.

#4. Angel’s Last Mission: Love

That song that goes “It’s alright, it’s alright” in a sad melodic way? Yeah, they play it when it’s not alright.

This show has heartbreak galore, even in the first episode for numerous reasons. They don’t want you to be alright for the most part and yet our sadistic selves can’t help but suffer through it. L’s portrayal of being an angel is such a gift, I didn’t know I needed it. I was dead set on living my life until I saw this and felt myself crumble to bits.

You want sacrifice? You got it. Tears of cute boy and a girl who can’t catch a break? Check. Plot twists? Lmao, it’s a kdrama. Yea. Angst and hurt? Fuck yep.

While you’re at it, listen to the song too so you can suffer some more.

#3. Descendants of the Sun

THIS WOULD BE AT THE TOP IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE FACT I AM COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH THE FIRST ONE AND THESE TWO GOT DIVORCED IN REAL LIFE. I still wish the best for them and their child. I still hurt but love them.

So much fucking chemistry and angst, so much hurt and wounds (it’s legit a show with a military background and characters), so much cool fight scenes and surgeries. Their soundtrack slaps, the backstory of characters really set the tone to their current stories, shit overlaps somehow, the female rivalry is hilarious, the cat and dog friendship of the male leads warms my heart. They have such iconic stills and scenes.

The main leads connected so fucking well they got married in real life (we don’t talk about the end result, I’m still crying but I get it.) This kdrama is probably one of the staples to korean dramas in general.

Another female lead I really liked as well as the second, I just struggled at times with Song’s character at times because of the pain she put them both through.

#2. W-Two Worlds

This is my go to for recommending korean dramas to someone for the first time -I got an ex hooked on it that he cried several times throughout it/life 1/4 of the varsity boy’s soccer team has seen this because of me.

This is the comic self awareness show that I didn’t think could be redone, but kudos to you Extraordinary You, you created an orignal that breaks my heart.

This show hurts so much as well, I don’t watch them if they don’t hurt in one way or another.

Lee Jong Suk stars as the main character (Kang Chul) who is also the main character of his own comic book he stars in. The issue is that he’s self aware and that there’s something wrong with his world and life. His webtoon/manga creator is trying to kill him because having his creation alive is driving him to insanity and was the only comfort when he pushed his family away for his career and alcoholism. The creator’s daughter is alerted that her father went missing while cooped up in his room while drawing Kang Chul’s death and end to the manga without a resolution to his storyline (Think of a korean Batman without the suit and brooding personality). Plot twist that’s in the synopsis, she gets pulled in by Kang Chul inside the comic and can come and go if it pertains to him because he controls it without realizing.

You have a main character who is written as this playboy orphan and sole survivor of his mass family’s murder that questions his existence and purpose BEYOND how we do. He meets this girl who speaks almost cryptically to him without realizing and knows more about him than needed or given, and now he’s experiencing oddities besides the notion of love that he can’t understand because it’s not how he is written and the glitches in his world.

This show is twisted in a psychological sense that messes with a comic character who is now alive and real, fucks up the mentality of the creator, puts the daughter in an immense amount of stress when she was just trying to be a fucking surgeon, yes, black haired Lee Tae Hwan is crush worthy in this unlike brown haired Lee Tae Hwan in Secretary Kim. (It’s the hair, you change the hair on a character and everything is different).

The exploration of what love is that works alongside the devoting dark plot of the culprit murderer really drives this show as well as the couple’s endless efforts to save/protect one another in any means necessary, even if they both suffer from it.

These two truly can’t live without one another and it shows with all they do for each other. There’s nothing they wouldn’t risk to keep one another in their arms.

And Lee Jong Suk delivers his share of being one of the King of Korean Drama Kisses as well, gif saving worthy and iconic ones as well.

#1. Strong Woman Do Bong-Soon

Park Hyungsik. Park Hyungsik. Park Hyungsik. Park Hyungsik.

Need I say more?

We stan Park Hyungsik’s character, Ahn Minhyuk, in this blog. We basically stan Do Bong Soon as well for how happy she makes him.

This is possibly totally bias but this is one of my two white noise korean drama shows that I continuously find myself rewatching time and time again. And that’s saying something since I only have one white noise show that’s in English. Three shows total.

People had issues with the script and what the actors had to say, but for the most part I thought the love story and the rival one was pretty well written, then again I kept watching different translations on different sites. So I wasn’t bothered at all. People also didn’t like the side characters and stories regarding the sketchy well dressed gang she hospitalizes in the first episode that stuck around until the last but I felt it was important to have them to prove how having Bong Soon in their lives can change a person and how she has this affect on people overall.

My god, the love story. Bong Soon has this massive crush on police officer and high school friend she was sweet on, Guk Doo, who doesn’t seem to acknowledge her feelings and is all about protecting the law and stuff (I can respect, I’m a LEO kid). He isn’t aware of her abilities of being incredibly strong and nearly indestructible. Nah, instead, CEO of AIN Software, Ahn Minhyuk, accidentally finds out and is like super chill but excited and curious about it and her??

He hires her as his bodyguard in the mist of receiving threats regarding his family company and they find an odd balance with each other while Minhyuk falls in love with her so hard, he literally tries to protect HER from danger. He’s so wonderfully extra that it’s no wonder Park Hyungsik and Park Seo Joon are best friends in real life, they both have the ability to play someone so over the top in a cute and funny way that you appreciate it about them. A cutie with a button nose and weird ears decked out in monochrome color scheme and dark sunglasses, whistling as he rides a hoverboard around? Die for 100%. Someone who gets crazy jealous and presents it in a healthily humorous way by dramatically posing to securitygates of his company that open automatically for him? Stan. Wants Bong Soon’s attention while she’s in a room away from him so her opera sings her name loudly and dramatically? Worship.

While it’s hard to watch the slow progression on her end yet the obvious budding of it, it’s understandable since she’s been in love with Guk Doo ever since high school and has assumably never had a boyfriend in hopes that he would reciprocate her feelings. So the second time watching it and stepping back to analyze, I could forgive her.

All the while, Minhyuk making Heart Eyes ™️ at Bong Soon for literally everything she does makes you feel. The way he holds her and treats her like she’s this precious porcelain doll that could break it handled the wrong way speaks volumes considering he knows of her Herculean strength. He openly loves her when he comes to realize what she means to him -which is a lot sooner than you’d think but welcomed-, and looks at no one else but her. The love story probably would’ve also happened faster if everyone didn’t think Minhyuk was gay (that’s a solid fact, I’m not joking), only those close to her and see how he acts/looks at her realize “lmao, he ain’t gay Hunni”. Minhyuk is this cute hottie that girls wish were straight (it’s fucking hilarious) who acts like a complete lovesick dork with Bong Soon. He freaks and spazzes out when she calls him a nickname or acts cheeky with dropping honorifics, speaks aloud to himself of his thoughts regarding her, literally can’t contain himself when she acts cute to get on his good side and distract his anger.

Oh and there’s like this serial kidnapper too so there’s badass scenes of the two working together, power couple def.

Their soundtrack slaps too and you somehow end up vibing with it. The song You’re My Garden on it, I learned to sing it because it’s one of my top favs.

They’re just the cutest with their hamster and puppy dog relationship. It’s my go to show and I won’t stop watching this. It’s so obvious how Park Hyungsik grew to fall in love Park Bo Young (that’s a legitimate fact) when filming and their bts cuts are too cute, I wish they were dating in real life.

(Also, we have another King of kiss scenes -to those who watched this drama already, you know the scene, iconic 🔥🎼)

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verobatto · 5 years

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Destiel Chronicles

(Vol. X)

It was a love story from the very beginning.

Ally... Protector... Best friend... And something else... (Part I)

(5x03//5x04//5x06//5x10//5x13)

Hi dear Fandom! I'm here again bringing you a new volume from my Destiel chronicles.

I want to say thank you to my dearest friend @agusvedder she made the gifs for this meta and discussed with me these topics! Thank you girl! 😘💕

But let's start...

Ally

In 5x03 "Free to be you and me" Dean and Cas team up to hunt Raphael.

Dean discovered Castiel's lack of touch for get information. And in an almost "paternal" gesture, he fixed Cas tie and shirt. Trying to teach him the basics...

I will talk about the "first date" with CAS in other volume, here I want to show you how they worked together to get Raphael.

First of all, they found the vessel in the hospital. Cas sent a message to the Archangel, and I want you to pay attention to Dean's reaction while watching his friend being such a badass...

He likes to see Castiel this way. He likes his badass side, his bossy side. He is proud of it. And he likes it. We can read all of that from his face, full of amazement.

So after they track down the Archangel, Dean follow Cas and he mentioned something... Hoping Cas catch an inner joke between them. You know, as friends.

And then we had this scene... Such a badass Castiel too...

And Dean following him, I could say I little proud of his friend's fierceness.

One of the last moments from 5.10 in which Lucifer was trying to wake up Death, with Sam and Dean trapped there... Showed us how Castiel is a "good timing" Ally. He appeared in the best moment and rescued his friends.

He was trapped by Lucifer and Meg bc Lucifer knew he will be a problem... He was a strong and determinated Ally of the Winchesters.

Protector

In the episode 5x13 "The song remains the same" Castiel blocked Anna intentions to get an encounter with the Winchesters...

CASTIEL: Hello, Anna.

ANNA: Well. If I didn't know any better...

ANNA turns around.

ANNA: I'd say the Winchesters don't trust me.

CASTIEL: They do. I don't. I wouldn't let them come.

Castiel is protecting Sam and Dean from Anna, he suspects she has bad intentions... Bc he knows well Heaven and his techniques...

He is acting like a truly Guardian Angel of the Winchesters.

CASTIEL: If you're out of prison, it's because they let you out. And they sent you here to do their dirty work.

ANNA: And what makes you so sure?

CASTIEL: Because I've experienced...heaven's persuasion.

Castiel began to confirm his suspects over Anna. When he sees her armed, recalling Anna intentions were to be face to face with Sam and Dean.

CASTIEL: If you're not one of them, then what do you want?

ANNA: I want to help.

CASTIEL: You want to help?

ANNA: Yes.

CASTIEL: Then what are doing with that knife?

A long pause. ANNA draws the knife.

ANNA: I'm not allowed to defend myself?

CASTIEL: Against whom? That blade doesn't work against angels. It's not like this one.

Castiel is good on this. He gets the idea right away. He should be relieved he didn't let Sam and Dean to come.

Then... Suddenly Anna revealed her truly intentions.

ANNA: Sam Winchester has to die.

She explained Sam is Lucifer's vessel so she needs to finish him. Castiel tries to convince her that killing Sam wouldn't solve the problem. And finally, he quoted TFW "prime law"

CAS: We will find another way.

When Anna saw Castiel defending the WINCHESTERS with such loyalty, she knew he had changed a lot.

Castiel choose another path. He already choose Humanity and choose to be the Winchesters's Ally.

This is the episode in which TFW is born, beacuse by the end of it, we had Dean naming their alliance...

Best friends (part 1)

I'm gonna divide this one in two part bc it will take a lot of gifs and explanations... So... Please be patient! In the middle at volume I will finish talking about BEST FRIENDS topic and SOMETHING ELSE.

Ok, let's see then, continuing with episode 5x13, before they traveled time, Castiel explained the boys Anna had bad intentions, and wanted to kill Sam.

Again Castiel lack of pop culture as an impediment to understand the conversation, but Dean explains this time...

DEAN: No one, just this psycho bitch who likes to boil rabbits.

But Sam is kind of considering the offer...

SAM: So the plan to kill me, would it actually stop Satan?

DEAN: No, Sam, come on.

And then Dean looked at CAS with despair, trying to get from him some help. Castiel felt he could use Dean's reference again...

This, my friends, is improvement of character thanks to the beautiful friendship TFW started to develop.

After coming back from Croatan world in 5x04 "The End" , (episode I will talk in my next volume) Dean was so worried about the huge change he had seen in his friend, that after being rescued by Castiel from Zachariah, he observed that was his nerdy angel... So we had this classic Destiel scene...

This is Dean, shocked by the endverse!Castiel version he saw... Trying to preserve the present Cas, with his whole lack of pop culture...

In 5x06, the episode that talks about the Antichrist, the little boy transformed Cas into a wood figure. Dean asked him to return him to his truck form, but the kid didn't want to, he said there they weren't friends... But by the end of the episode, Dean came back to insist...

Here, Dean is in aknowledgment about what Cas had become in their lives... Kind of buddy? Kind of friend? He is trying to figure out what Cas means to him. He saw the future in which they seemed be more than friends, and he is aware he enjoys Castiel's company differently to the way he will enjoy expending time with just a friend... So... Kind of buddy... Yes... He just needs to know what the hell that means...

To conclude

Castiel is a powerful Ally the Winchesters had. He is loyal and protective, he is the Winchesters's guardian angel.

He had rebel for them and he will protect them with his life.

This was the season where TFW is mentioned for the first time, and Castiel quoted their prime law in the same episode.

He also is the best friend they will ever had, Castiel's mission. But with Dean there's something more, something else, that is always present there... Even when they had "friend time" there's always something else going on between the angel and the older hunter.

I hope you like this volume! C-u in the next one!

Tagging @metafest @gneisscastiel @mrsaquaman187 @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @castiellover20 @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @cheerstofandomfamily @drsilverfish @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @hippyatheart80 @xsghn @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh

Buenos Aires May 8th 2019 11:56 PM

Note: If you want to be tagged in this series of metas, please let me know

If you want to read season 5 volumes... Vol. VIII here and Vol. IX here.

#supernatural meta #destiel meta #destiel chronicles #vol. x

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hcrris · 5 years

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can ….. i come in ????? have been watching unbreakable kimmy schmidt for 3 hours pretending time isnt passing , life isnt real and in fact.. i am dreaming (-: lajdfksl hey <3 im jay im 21 and i love those instagram profiles of hamsters in little clothes ( when they got little purses? ???? dont talk to me im cryin. ) below u will find info about jane harris aka literally the vine of the little kid scribbling hard like his life depended on it. shes a mess ?? but a semi enjoyable mess. a mess with good intentions. if u want to establish some connections, LIKE THIS and i will come annoy u <3 alternatively u can ease my social anxiety and msg me here or through my discord sencha tea#4035 (و ˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و♡

( lily collins, cis female, she/her. ) — jane harris has been a medina complex resident for three years, now. they’re twenty-three years old, and they tend to avoid making eye contact. sometimes when i walk by B06, i hear cherry-coloured funk by cocteau twins playing. lately, i’d say they’re pretty effervescent, but sometimes that’s overwhelmed by the fact that they’re neurotic. i mean, they usually pay their rent on time, though, and that’s most important fact here.

repeatedly fixing the apartment number on the door when it swings down to a nine, a split moment of shadow after the radiance of laughter, carl sagan’s pale blue dot, a life of frequent minor accidents, constant hunger for balance overshadowed by emotional turbulence.

🇧🇦🇨🇰🇬🇷🇴🇺🇳🇩

TW ALCOHOLISM EMOTIONAL ABUSE DEPRESSION & ANXIETY !!!!! ok moving on

her parents met in art school in paris.. her mom is french and studied art history while her dad was an exchange student from california with a skewed artist mentality. it was that saccharine, toxic sort of love. her mom always felt like she needed to be the guardian angel in the relationship who would always hold him up when he was feeling down and he was feeling down….. a lot. because she was putting all that energy to save her relationship, she was drowning too but never enough to walk away. there was a lot of love there but it was twisted and uncomfortable at times

when they found out jane was on the way, it felt like they needed to suddenly grow up. her mom was ready to make changes, adapt to the new lifestyle. her dad, on the other hand, urged they rethink if this is what they want but he didn’t push for abortion.. he understood it was jane’s mothers choice to make and reassured that he would be there for the both of them no. matter. what.

but ??? the reality was he felt trapped by the idea of a child and he struggled to acknowledge and accept how quickly his life was flipping upside down and how he lost all control of it. he wanted to travel around europe ???? soak in nature, daydream and make art . but jane’s mom wanted to settle. instead of embarking on adventures after graduating, they decided to move to california.

things just seemed to fall apart like domino from then on. janes mom was lead astray.. thinking that what california would bring them was stability but instead, it was all chaos. they rushed to get married .. turned out janes father wasnt on good terms with his parents. he was irresponsible financially, put both his parents in huge debt, was blinded by his ego to ever realise his mistakes. lied constantly .. convincing janes mom that there’s light going forward. that once he finds a sponsor for his art .... once he sells his first piece ... once they see in him what he always saw in himself , he was going to make it right. and he reassured he would make it right for jane.

janes mom was so pathetically in love that she pushed through .. living in a sort of imagined world, believing that things were better than they actually were. and her dad was good at persuading that narrative. he would come home with a pocketful of cash and the bills paid. oftentimes, it was all an act. his art wasn’t selling and a lot of what he bragged about was borrowed or stolen. behind the curtain, he was absent and unmotivated. he would come home in the evening claiming that the whisky breath was celebratory but in reality, he was complaining to the barman two blocks away about how his life feels monotone .. like a french black and white movie.

the day of jane’s birth was a whole mess. her father decided to drive her mother to the hospital, knowing he had one too many. they were caught for speeding and while janes dad spent the night at a nearby station for driving under influence, her mom was at the back of a cop car, crying for one too many reasons .. jane decided to hang on for a little while longer and was born at 3am the following night. cradled in her mothers arms and her dads voice humming on the line

jane would only ever hear the romanticised version of this story from her mother. this ??? fucked up sense of security that no matter what, love conquers all. that love means supporting each other, loving each other extra when everything else falls apart. but truth is.. her mother was forced to give up her own dreams, lost all connections to her past, worked days and nights at a nursing home to support her family and pitch in to her husbands alcoholism while she’s at it. making excuses that jane was too young to contradict. all while the only source of happiness for her father was the haziness of his evenings, when he felt like floating and he could barely hold onto to his paintbrush. he was a stranger living in their basement .. more than he was ever a father

growing up, jane watched her mother mask her depression. carry empty bottles out from the basement, trying to hide it from jane .. it brought her shame. she was doing the same thing to jane that he was doing to her for all these years .. consistently expressing a certain attitude, this unwavering satisfaction for the life they are living and so ... it hardens. you start to believe it. except unlike her mother, jane was observant.. she had other lives around her to compare to her own, voices of reason that pierced through the skewed perception her mother drilled into her skull. when jane grew into her skin, she felt so ... disgusted and angry. she tried to pull her mother out of her fantasy but nothing worked.

through her high school years, she felt helpless .. her home life was a nightmare and she made every possible attempt to stay out of it for as long as possible. she took on jobs and extracurriculars .. stayed at her friends’ house until she couldn’t. and she would think.. think so hard, she would start crying. pushing her own problems away .. in her head, she would imagine herself in a different skin, a different place. it was the only way she could calm her breathing. only to have to battle the same thoughts the following morning

after graduating high school, jane went to community college for product management got a job offering after her placement at a big company and moved out shortly after ( and MOVED IN to medina... can i get a yee yee ) .. she got insurance for the first time in her life and eats too many of free pizza slices at work to save up on groceries every week <3

she doesn’t visit her parents bc she no longer feels like her mother is on her team. she’s lived a maddening and terribly draining life and living alone has brought her deserving peace.. although she’d rather keep contact with her mother to a minimum, its obvious that jane is her mothers anchor. if she feels as though her daughter is not fighting for her, she breaks down.. as much as jane wants to run away from her past, it always seems to catch up

if ur still reading literally who are u lafjdkl. ill be done schoon ..... oof

🇨🇭🇦🇷🇦🇨🇹🇪🇷 🇹🇷🇦🇮🇹🇸

if they are friends ... jane. will. talk. ur. ear. off. but probably not for the right reasons lol .. she has never been assessed by a professional, isn’t taking any treatment but she definitely needs it :( shes a chronic overthinker.. the voice in her head keeps chattering away most of the time which gets a little nauseating. she hates silence and feels like she needs to fill it with words. she often says the wrong things .. to the wrong people ... at the WRONG time and she is very aware of it. its the culprit for her self doubt and struggle to open up emotionally to the people shes close to. shes very critical towards herself, she micro analyses everything from the way she acts, the way she looks and what she says. shes also not a fan of confrontation !!!!!!!BUT!!!!!!!!!!!

she is a FIREBALL when she stands up for others. i dont know how she hasnt gotten into a physical fight yet. she would literally rip ur side mirror off ur car if u didnt wait for an old lady to cross the street. is intense in every possible way. if shes angry, shes angry and impulsive and out of control, when she is in love, she feels it in her bones and simultaneously wants to rip her hair out, when she’s passionate about something, she is persistent until she isn’t and when she loses motivation, everything feels bleak .. theres never any emotional balance, even though she fights so hard for it every day

likes sci fi movies .. literally when they are Floating in space ???? SIGN! JANE! THE! FUCK! UP! letterboxd is probably her favorite app. sometimes she will post a review, read it over and over, find something wrong with what she said and then delete it. shes very neurotic. she either has good days where she can comfortably be herself or bad days, when it feels like everyone is judging her every move when in reality. ... it is always .. all in her head.

and she is mostly in her head. she creates fantasies of her life, relationships platonic and romantic and as a result, nothing ever seems to measure up. she feels secure in her fantasies but oftentimes when it hits her that they are just that, fantasies, she ... feels really alone.

will trip over her own feet . has like 5 bruises from washing the dishes </3

she works as a part of a product design team in a big company.. probably has the knowledge to move up the tier but does not have the courage to stand up for herself . she doesnt believe in herself and is kind of a pessimist .......

got high one night and decided she wants to start an uber ....... only for women. but doesnt think its a good ide a (its a good idea. id like to think in 10 years time ... bitch made it)

really weird. likes eating broad beans and frozen strawberries .. will literally eat a lemon.

she will have different interests every week but never seems to be any good at anything ???????????? makes her sad.

claims tidying up with marie kondo changed her life LAKJDSKLDJ

*draws curtains* anybody else tired?

#mediocre.intro #»-.-°-ỽ-⸰-ｓｈｕｔ-ｕｒ-ｔｒａｐ-⸰-ỽ-°-.-«#4 hrs ago : yea ...... i could finish this intro in like 2 hours :) why not. whats gonna stop me ???? writing doesnt take that long.#it takes literally ?? 2 miliseconds. lol .......#im shtupid !!!!! have to take a shower. this is longer than all shakespeare plays combined.#if u read this im manifasting a good year for u.

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noonkey · 6 years

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stupid very long ravagers/yondu GOTG post

OK UH u guys know this is my Wont Shut the Fuck Up Dome so here we go:

I have a headcanon based on Kraglin’s interactions w Peter and the cut line from the end of the movie where hes giving him the Zune and Krag says “just like when we were kids” and i REALLY like the concept of Krag and Peter being like 2 scrappy kids growing up on the ship, maybe Kraglin having been older like teenageish when they picked Peter up on Earth. I think Kraglin was in a similar situation to Yondu when he joined the Ravagers (like many i assume) and was given the whole rundown of the Code and everything, and then immediately started throwing his whole heart into becoming the best Ravager and crew member possible. That’s where the resentment started to grow when they picked up Peter, since he was this little snot nosed kid who probably wanted to go home and didn’t want any part in the Ravagers; since to Kraglin it was the opportunity of his life and he had so much loyalty to Yondu and the Code and whatnot, he must’ve been incredibly annoyed at Peter for acting that way. Krag also had no context for a loving blood-family or fond memories of home (like most of the crew I would think) so Peter’s homesickness and rejection of the Ravager lifestyle would probably not have made any sense to him. Still, the line that was cut is “(Alice Cooper) seems kinda angry, but kinda like the stuff we felt when we were kids..” so I think they still managed to bond over their shitty childhoods and angsty teen feelings. The difference though is that Peter would and could backtalk/disobey Yondu a whole lot more than Kraglin was willing to or thought he could get away with. I don’t think Kraglin or any of them nessecarily thought about the fact that these were still formative years in Peter’s life, since they probably all hadn’t been afforded any sort of ‘normal’ upbringing/childhood.

I also think the Zune (even tho in the film it was p much just a funny joke abt that shitty electronic lol) was so so telling of Yondu’s true conflicted fatherly feelings abt Peter. In GoTG1 we understand Yondu has a lot of hesitation about killing Peter as he would any other deserter, and imo in the scene where Peter bargains for the Ravagers to help take down Ronin it seemed like Yondu was waiting for him to say that exact thing, as if they were both playing a part in this performance so that the crew wouldn’t catch on to the favoritism. But the symbology of the Zune; Yondu going out of his way to get something extremely rare and meaningful for Peter during his absence in the hopes of him coming back one day but being too emotionally stunted himself to actually reach out to his son, makes me wanna die lol.

ALSO side note - seeing that Ego’s car was bright blue and orange like the Milano made me think - we know Peter learned to drive the Milano starting when he was 10. Which means that about a year into his stay with the Ravagers, Yondu not only taught him how to pilot an M-ship at that time, but also either let him pick out which one he wanted, or got him a custom paint job. I just think that is sweet/something small stuck in there to indicate how Peter’s upbringing really went.

The Ravagers being very emotionally stunted Feelings Boys is also my fave fucking thing abt the movie bc it applies to all of them as well as Rocket, Peter, and actually most of the Guardians crew. Not in a ‘its cute that these characters have issues expressing their feelings’ way bc thats gross, but just bc that representation hit home very very hard for me. Even though these scenes were also joking, whenever the Ravagers are shown being silly together, sleeping together, being sensitive in their downtime, etc., its so telling of a community that silently acknowledges the fact that they are all putting on a farce to deal w their own emotional traumas and shortcomings, and that silent acknowledgment is what allows some or most of them to connect on meaningful levels. All of this being under a moral Code that almost gives them an excuse to not be evil or “too mean”, because personally I don’t think any of them want to be. That’s why I think Taserface incited such a nasty aspect of the Ravagers; he took the outward image too far and wasn’t at all tuned into the sense of community in the crew. Its a weird balance but I think its what held Yondu’s crew together for so long, and something that all the captains value. I think Taserface’s mutiny was an example of some of the “worst eggs” identifying and getting rid of the “best eggs” on the crew, and I think Yondu unfortunately knew that the balance had been overturned; a point of no return had been reached.

The Guardians are doing this emotionally repressed shit but Better bc they are learning the value of being open w one another, and I think the tight-knit size of the group also allows for this. However i really really think that the parallels between Peter and Yondu in the context of being a part of a group of Assholes with Issues is very very big.

Back to the terrible heart wrenching Yondu HCs- I think the last line Yondu says is actually a really accurate reflection of what he’s been feeling “I’m damn lucky you was my boy.” To me, Yondu only really came to terms with how much he cared for Peter after he left to do his own thing. I really feel that in the events after the first movie when Peter has his own ‘crew’ is when Yondu would’ve begun to feel the emptiness of that hole and realize just how much he had benefited in the heart from having a ‘son’ all those years. He may have taught Peter all this skills and given him the resources he needed to succeed, but he could only consider Peter to be ‘ungrateful’ while he was still around. I don’t think Yondu understood the value of their relationship to him until after it was too late. And of course since he had never been vocal about any of his feelings and probably was incredibly coarse about receiving any affection from Peter, he was trapped. I think it was in this period of time that the crew started believing Yondu to be weak - seeing him buy expensive Terran trinkets, noticing him be more and more despondent, maybe overhearing/witnessing him attempting to make calls to Peter that were never returned, just in general not keeping up his image well enough for them to also feel confident and comfortable.

Anyways thats half of my Pirate/Space Pirate TED talk and half of my Why Michael Rooker’s Portrayal of Space Dad Brought my Depression Back monologue. thank u

#long post #yondu udonta #GoTG2 #ravagers

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pagesofkenna · 7 years

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i got tagged by @islandoforder AND @mooitstimdrake and im not waiting for the last groupchatperson to tag me as well so lets go

11 asks, 11 answers, 11 questions, 11 people (better than the video game) (under a readmore bc theres a lot)

I’m double jointed in my shoulders

which means I can lick my elbows

I have 1 cat and his name is Sherlock and he’s the handsomest boy in the world

I’m currently writing a text game which I think is fairly decent for a first attempt at a game

I have a BA in English, Technical Writing

I bought my first car this month AND got my first credit card AND made my first appointment with a therapist i’m moving up in the world

I’ve read like 70 books this year so far, but that includes most of the Animorphs series so I’m not including that on my goodreads

I listen to a bunch of random podcasts but not the ones people who talk about podcasts a lot on tumblr listen to

I don’t/can’t follow youtube series, or video game journalism, or other internet subscriptions people my age with my interests should be following

I’m a Mormon? that’s a p important fact i always forget people don’t know

I’ve lived my whole life in the SoCal desert (except for going to school in Idaho) and desperately want to not live here anymore

Calyx’ questions

What’s your favourite tv show? i dont know my dude. i think parks and rec is my stock answer bc its one of the few shows i can go back and rewatch over and over randomly (and have) but also i try not to just because ive seen it so many times.

How many languages can you speak? English and Cat

Where would you most like to visit? Antarctica

Who’s your favourite artist? like music or visual art? i don’t really know, i don’t follow specific artists for anything, except clark powell is a music composer i really like

Do you support any sports teams? i dont follow any of the teams but if the tvs on and its baseball: the dodgers if theyre playing, the angels if theyre not, any team with a bird name otherwise; basketball: the lakers if theyre playing, any team with a bird name otherwise; football: i dont know who any of the teams are so i literally just look for bird names

Favourite food? chocolate

What’s the last song you had stuck in your head? i literally just started thinking about Someday by Clark Powell because of that other question

What should you be doing right now? something productive so i dont feel like i wasted the day when i have to leave for work in four hours. reading probably

What’s your fave big franchise? Legend of Zelda i guess

Any tattoos (currently or planned)? nope (the aforementioned Mormon thing) but there was a Sawbones episode where they talked about how their daughter loved glitter temporary tattoos and its had me thinking...

What three things would you want with you on a deserted island? the Count of Monte Cristo, a month supply of MREs, and a reliable working communication device to call for help

Moo’s questions

If you were to make a new blog dedicated to one single thing (fandom, hobby/activity, etc) what would it be? lol you mean another one. i was considering making a blog of funny product photos at my store, but i realized i’d be WAY too busy this fall for that, so... that? otherwise i’d want to get more serious about my video game blog

If you could have any kind of animal as a pet, what would you have? either a bird of some kind or a snake of some kind but i’m not sure which. a duck maybe?? i’d like to live in a place i could have a duck

Who was your favorite teacher and why were they your favorite? my 4th grade teacher was HUGE on growing at your own pace, introduced us to new funny ‘trivia’ to help us learn that learning could be fun, stressed and heavily rewarded reading skills

What’s your guilty pleasure (and I’m challenging you not to say some kind of food)? right now its listening to podcasts when i should be doing other things. or just the entirety of tumblr.

Favorite pizza topping? anything meat. put half as much cheese on as you thought it needed then cover it with pepperoni and sausage crumbles and bacon bits just to counteract that gross cheese texture

What’s the last thing you bought (that wasn’t food)? uuhh and not gas? i think it was gas. or those jeans i ordered last week that finally arrived? or the last Inside Out cup we were selling at my store that no one was buying and we just needed to get rid of so i bought it since i like that movie

What upcoming movies/tv shows are you looking forward to? The Defenders is coming out THIS FRIDAY! and Runaways in October!! then Star Wars in December!!!

Any recommendations (this could be anything just throw your best pitch at me)? I have SO many recommendations but i feel like you, specifically, have heard most of them, so I’m going to throw in a curveball and talk about The Last Guardian, which is the third game in a loosely-connected series of games about people who are alone, and hurting, and trapped in worlds that do not make sense and are actively trying to push them down, finding and connecting with other people or beings in their same situations, who don’t let their pain stop them from loving and understanding, and working with that they have to escape and make things better

What’s your favorite thing to wear that you own? probably my Ace Pride socks

What was your first pet? I can never remember the story right, but I think when i was young my grandmother died so we inherited her cat, a fluffy grumpy old thing named Lucky who did not want to cuddle or be with us (she was probably sad her human was gone, but also my grandmother wasnt really a cat person anyways so. probably just a sad cat). since Lucky wouldn’t play with me my mom got a kitten from a friend, who we named Megabyte, who we had until she died just after I graduated high school

If you could learn any language, what would it be? Korean

My questions

If you could live in any fictional world, where would it be?

What’s the last song that you listened to that you felt very emotional about (positive or negative)?

What’s a book or movie you love that you feel not enough people know about?

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

What pokemon would you include in your real life pokemon team?

Where are you in your sibling rank?

If you could interview any one person who is now deceased, who would you interview?

What would you ask them?

When you’re out in public ordering food, what’s your preferred drink?

Where do you put the ketchup (in the fridge or in the cupboard)?

If you could work with a programming team to design an app for your phone, what would the app do?

I’m tagging @bi-dominusrex (*fingerguns*), @hiboudeluxe, @irlhannah, @chrosty, @latiburona, @natcat5, @zoook39, @nelmathyria, @hedgiwithapen, @j-the-latter-gay-saint, @everylastbird (note that you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to! also if i didnt tag you but you want to answer the questions please feel free there were so many people i wanted to tag!)

#survey things #i got to the tagging people part and realized #theres a lot of people i wanted to tag??#like a LOT like i literally only picked the first people who game up when i did an @ letter #and suddenly there was 11 and i realized i hadnt tagged a bunch of people i would have normally?#about me

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justemotionalabusethings · 7 years

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{Before I begin this is really heavy. I’m talking suicide and shit man its intense}

Hi! My story is a long and sort of confusing one. I guess we begin at my first sister’s birth.

My father left me when I was really young. He wasn’t ready to be a father and fled for his life. Leaving me with just my grandparents and my mother.

After a while a new man was introduced into my life to fulfill this father role I needed. I was really shy with him until he got me a toy train for Christmas!

I don’t remember much of my childhood (which could be due to csa since signs are coming up here and there) but I remember a lot changed after my first little sister was born.

She was his biological daughter so I guess that meant there was no more room for me and I was only baggage in the marriage. He would taunt me day after day. He’d compare me to dogs and laugh when I ran away crying. He abused all the pets I had. My cat, my dog, and my hamsters. He watched scary movies with me and would then only fuel my nightmares. He’d make me clean everything and then get upset when I got irritated. He’d let me pretty much starve if I didn’t eat what he made or terrify me by saying someone was going to hurt me. To this day I can’t look at Hamburger Helper or Multigrain Cheerios.

At night I was terrified that he would hurt my mother because of his drinking problem. I would always be awake for some reason and hear them fighting about it.

As my family grew, it got to the point where I didn’t feel accepted. Where I’d look into the bedroom and see his daughters huddled around a father that loved them with a wife that he loved. I felt like I could run away and no one would miss me. Like they’d be happier.

During that time I was also being horribly bullied at school. It seemed like no matter what we did or the school did it wouldn’t stop. I got horrible depressed and was even suicidal.

His abuse ended when he made a wrong move and got arrested, effectively getting himself kicked out for good.

I was a pretty happy child after he left. The only thing that scared me then was middle school.

And I was in no way prepared for it.

In middle school I met a girl. We did one of the usual ice breakers in class. Seeing as pretty much everyone from my elementary school had bullied me I asked her about helping me find my way. We soon clicked and were spending a lot of time together because our schedules were almost identical. The only difference in our 9 period schedule was the 2 electives.

Everything was fine I believe. I made friends with her and I loved her more than words could say. She taught me how to be a rebel and how to break rules and do what you want. How not to let feelings hold you back but make them let you go.

Although everything changed in the January of 7th grade.

My mom had never wanted to give me a phone until I was sixteen so I wasn’t on any social media or anything. I pretty much just spent all my time reading.

But my friend got me to convince my mom to get Skype. Once there I was able to talk to my friends whenever I wanted.

From there we started to world build and role play.

After that I remember the abuse really started happening and to this day I’m not sure why.

She used me as a slave basically (funny bc when I tell people that they say that’s wrong bc she’s black and I’m white. Which is wrong bc I’m mixed aka black and white). It began with her just asking me to hold a few things. Then it quickly escalated to everyday I was forced to hold her shit on top of my own. Her lunchbox, her binder and my binder, her book bag and my book bag, and her lunchbox all up the stairs to our lockers which were right next to each other’s. Eventually she started asking our mutual friend to hold my stuff and they refused to let me do that, the sweet thing.

She humiliated me a lot by saying stuff or screaming wrong stuff about me. I have a horrible trigger that I can’t avoid because of her. Everyday if I did something wrong or something she didn’t like, or if I looked annoying I guess, she’d call me a failure. Everyday. And now I can’t escape that word. It sucks man.

She hurt me a lot too. She’d pinch me and I have a very specific memory of her pinching the back of my neck and when I said it hurt she said: “Well it’s not supposed to feel like sunshine so keep smiling.”

I was afraid of her. So afraid of my best friend. God my soul friend. I hate the word soul mate because she was always gushing about how we were soul friends and meant to be together and how much she loved me. It fucks me up some days.

I never knew what I’d encounter any day. After a while I stopped going to after-school activities because she would get pissed at me if I went to them instead of being online talking to her. My teachers started to look down on me for that. Thinking I was not trustworthy or saying I’d show up and then not. But it wasn’t my fault. I was only scared I’d get hurt.

I used to be glad I didn’t kill myself in elementary school because I was happy to be with her. But I feel like it would’ve been easier to end everything there.

I felt like she liked my mutual friend so much better and it brought me back to my step father loving my half sister more than me.

It even got to the point where I felt like she was trying to drive this friend away from me. She’d tell them things that I didn’t do and I’d be too scared to speak up for myself.

I was too scared to get anything to make myself look and feel nicer. I got my nails done one time since my family noticed I was getting sad again but the next day at school she insulted me. She said the exact words; “Why would you get something your friend wouldn’t like?” I think that’s when I realized it was abuse too. Why would someone who loves you say that?

She never for cared me or my problems either so I went silent. I didn’t come to her at all because there was no point in it. No point in being ignored.

I used to call myself a servant but even that was too much of a high status for her. She began throwing her trash at me and forcing me to pick it up or I’d get pinched.

Even calling her seemed like a chore for her. She’d make me promise to call her and once I did she wouldn’t pay attention at all. She’d listen to music or be on some social media. She knew it was hard for me to call because my mom wouldn’t let me call after school. Yet even when we were away from each other she mistreated me. She’d curse at me and insult me under her breath and say ‘good bitch’ when I told her I heard it. But of course. It was always from character to character.

I slipped further and further into the depression (funny because this only happened until near the end of 7th grade and all started in January). I stopped telling my other friend about anything. And I didn’t try to leave the friendship with her because I didn’t want to leave our mutual friend.

I couldn’t even do my schoolwork unless she was right there with me. But only to distract me. I remember I had to go get a project in for health so I wouldn’t fail the course and she almost stopped me from going because she didn’t have a library pass. I ended up going and getting it in but I later found (Thanks to a nice smack on the back of the head and multiple pinches throughout a 45 minute class) that she couldn’t go and was mad. Even though I told her I had to get the project in.

This went on until June. I finally broke down after a horrible day with her. It all started with a simple joke. I was used to her pointing it out when I made typos or spelled something wrong. On that day she spelled something wrong and I jokingly pointed it out. She got pissy and I quickly apologized but afterwards she wanted a hug. I didn’t want to give her one because well, I was having problems, and didn’t feel comfortable hugging. She got mad and when into his whole thing about how: “You have to do what your friend wants you to do even if it makes you uncomfortable.” Which is so messed up…

But at lunch she began getting physical and pinching me and digging her nails into me and kicking me under the table until I finally decided that I’d tell her.

She dragged me outside and I embarrassedly explained that I was on my period and didn’t want to hug anyone. She got really mad and literally beat me up right there in broad daylight in the ‘playground’ more like tiny grass area of the school! (Spoiler Alert: I don’t think the school ever believed me because no one came forward to say they had seen the action. Most likely because she scares everyone.)

I broke down in the bathroom and told my mom and grandmother and they contacted the school. It was a messy process and she hated me afterwards but I was away.

Or… so I thought.

During those months I had started cutting. I cut to make it go away.

So I was online and somehow came across a call out post for that very friend.

I was appalled at what I saw as it mentioned how she caused a minor to relapse into self harm. I was horrified and scared that somehow, probably by her bragging or lying, someone found out I had been cutting.

I came into contact to tell her off but I soon fell back into her trap.

It wasn’t as bad I’d say but she still did damage. She lied to my new friends online and told them that I had saved her pictures, I was coping her accent, and basically stalking her just because I told this abusive friend that I had a crush on her.

The crush cut contact and it killed me considering I was working through my feelings for other girls at the time and none of that was true.

At school she was tolerable but online not at all. She’d vague about me and insult me yet put on a sweet face. And then she’d tell our mutual friends all this fake shit about me.

My guardians went to the school and they were mad at me for going back but they don’t understand. She was my first friend in a long time. I couldn’t leave especially when I felt so guilty.

I truly got away and moved to high-school. I found out that I most likely have bpd and my fp is that mutual friend who decided to stay friends with me after my abusive friend told them off for helping me through my suicidal feelings.

I developed a really big crush on them and right now we’re really close friends and I love them so much for everything they do for me. They’re really adorable too. The sweetest and cutest nugget.

Of course I wish I could end the story like that, gushing about my fp, but it doesn’t end there folks! Because I’ve noticed over the summer before the beginning of ninth grade, which was last summer, that my mom is abusive.

I could go on and on about how’s she’s an asshole. She fits the criteria for emotional abuse almost perfectly with some physical thrown in. I would talk about but as I’m not the victim, and only a victim of child endangerment from being in the same home as her, I don’t feel like it’s my place to share my feelings. Although it does affect me a lot to be here.

I’m still stuck in this abusive home. My first therapist said I show signs of ptsd during our first meeting lol. But I probably have c-ptsd. I have BPD, ADHD and I’m hypersexual to sex repulsed on the constant. Oh yeah I have psychosis too which is acting up. Not to mention I’m 15 and struggling to find my identity. Am I a boy or girl? Do I like girls or not? I do not know.

I guess you can see why abuse is my life story. I have no story beside it. Only abuse and that one sexual harassment issue.

Sometimes I want to die, and sometimes I want a better life. I don’t have a therapist or psychiatrist since I moved which was hard because I LOVED my therapist. I trusted her so much that I was going to open up to her before.

I still struggle with feelings of guilt and such and some days it’s so hard to keep going I don’t find a point. But when I’m with my fp for example I feel more alive than ever. I feel like I can do anything.

I want to thank everyone who reads this and feel free to shoot me a message or something.

Just know that I believe in you. We’re all scarred and scared here. We all have bandaid’s holding together our pieces of broken glass. And one day… those pieces will start to fuse together again and our sharp edges will dull. We’ll be safe, happy and grateful we got through it.

To anyone stuck in a abusive relationship pls tell someone, or call someone. Even if they can’t help you like CPS or something let it out. Don’t bottle it in because it’ll only hurt more.

If I can’t end my story with a happy ending, I hope at least the ending of one of yours does. Because you all deserve a happy ending.

#tw: abuse #tw: parents #tw: suicide #tw: self harm #submission #tw: mothers #tw: fathers #tw: friendship abuse #tw: physical abuse #tw: emotional abuse #your stories

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