#the last part and im so close to finishing up posting everything on twitter!! sorry for not answering the asks as of late though

[qiinamii]

"Xiao does things" (and friends) twitter log part 2

-- UPDATE: removed some of the arts to make its own individual post since I am bad at organizing, sorry! (but the last one is new lol) xD

[antihero-writings]

Before it Kills You Too (Ch2 Snippets 1, 2 & 3)

Fandom: Lore Olympus

Chapter Summary: When Hera gets into a car accident after a fight, Zeus has a moment to ruminate on their relationship. Written using the song “Wait” by Maroon 5 as a prompt.

Character Focus: Zeus

Please note!! This is the previous Ch2 snippets I posted + a new snippet (the new snippet starts with “I would venture to guess she was driving too fast.”)

I’ve been having trouble with this chapter for a very long time, so I’ve decided to post it snippet-by-snippet, because that seems like the only way I’ll successfully finish this fic. 

While this should be as close to the final version as it can be, anything in this snippet is subject to change when the full chapter comes out. (And, hey, to that end, if there’s anything you think needs to be edited here, please kindly let me know!!)

Im really excited about this snippet!! Definitely one of my favorite parts of the chapter!!

Thanks again SO much to those who support this fic and want to read more!! The fact that you want to read more really does mean the world to me!! I appreciate your kind comments so much!!

I’d really appreciate it if you could leave a comment and/or reblog!!! I’m not kidding when I say that makes my week!!

Tagging some folks who’ve shown interest!! @jayyy007 @autumnmoon21 @sunsetsofanemoia, @lynnie51 @what-the-fuckaroni @masquejj

And please do let me know if you’d like me to add you to a taglist for this fic, or message you when new snippets/the next chapter come/s out!!

Chapter 2 Snippets 1, 2 & 3:

Hera was standing in the crowded meadow, surrounded by her friends, laughing that girly little giggle full of sunshine that just about made Zeus’ heart ooze in a puddle out of his chest.

Her blue dress made her eyes look like two shimmering sapphires.

“Have I seen her in a dress that color?” Zeus inquired excitedly from behind the bushes.

“How can we know what you’ve seen?” Aidoneus muttered. “With you creeping around, you might have seen her naked for all we know.”

Zeus punched him in the arm, (lightly).

“I don’t think she’s worn a dress that color!” Posiedon bubbled.

“Thank you, Posiedon. At least someone can answer a question.”

“I think she looks like the sea on summer day.” He put his hands on his face, them sliding slowly.

Zeus eyed him. “Alright, keep it in your toga, Little Green Man.”

“Should we really be here?” Aidoneus muttered. “We weren’t invited.”

“Oh come on,” Zeus stood up, putting his hands on his hips. “Who wouldn’t want to see the King of the gods here?”

Poseidon grinned and stood up behind his brother. “No one!”

“Hestia, Demeter… assorted sane people.” Hades muttered as he stood to follow.

“If that’s sanity I’m glad I’m insane.” Zeus trilled as he strutted up to the entrance.

A cute pink nymph—(rather well endowed in the chestal region—not that he noticed!)—greeted them at the archway.

“Oh! Zeus!” She flushed and bowed. “It’s an honor. Welcome!”

“Why it’s an honor to meet you, my lady.” He kissed her hand, and she giggled. “See?” he turned to his brothers. “They’re delighted to have us.”

“I’ve got a bad feeling.” Hades muttered.

Hera was closer now; she smelled like summer, and she looked like it too. Poseidon was right about the ocean thing; she practically shimmered as she spoke with her friends.

“I’m gonna go talk to her.”

“Wait—!” Hades was soon swallowed by the crowd.

Zeus scooched behind her at lightning speed. One by one her friends began to take notice, their eyes widening.

Hera took a step back and would have tripped in surprise if he hadn’t caught her.

“Careful there, you might fall, Birthday Girl.”

“Oh, Zeus!” She looked up at him, the back of her head hitting his chest, “hi!”

That golden smile.

“I made you something!” As she spun to face him, he produced a little carving of a bird from his pocket. (And, no, he didn’t make it).

“Oh!” She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, gently taking it from him, “It’s beautiful!”

All his responsibilities and stresses melted away with the sight of that smile, and he forgot there was anyone else at the party…in the world.

(…He wished he saw that smile anymore.)

Zeus’ chair was spinning empty at his desk before his assistant could say another word—

And Olympus wept, distant peals of thunder rending the sky into pieces.

Lightning crackled and cackled through his hair, creating violet tracks through the air, as Zeus sped through the sky.

It was freezing, and people were staring, but he didn’t care.

All that mattered was getting to his wife.

“My you look stunning.” Zeus sidled up behind his wife, running his fingers gently along her arm. “Is that a new dress?”

“New as that girlfriend of yours.” Hera grunted.

His eyes widened with shock, his voice with an indignant undertone to it. “Is something wrong?”

She paused a moment. He could see words fluttering behind her lips—(like they did so often, too often)—the words Yes you did something wrong, how can you not know?

He knew she wouldn’t believe him when he said he didn’t mean to hurt her.

“You weren’t invited,” she said softly.

“Not invited? Me?” He put his hand to his chest, like the thought of him ever not being welcome to somewhere was absurd. “To what?”

“The party, you nitwit!” She whirled around, her hair nearly whipping him in the face. “You just came barging in like you owned the place!”

“Well…to be fair—”

He stopped short at the look in her eyes, like two blue-hot flames.

He knew it was taking her a great amount of effort not to slap him.

“Do you know how long I’d been preparing for that?! How long it took me to get everything just right? I told you, but you never even listened, did you? And then you just barged right in!”

“Why are you so upset? What’s so important about a party?!”

“They were my friends.” Her gaze softened, and her tone became more serious. “They were—” Until she cut herself off, and her expression hardened as she whirled around, her hair billowing behind her.

“Bunny, wait!” His tone was softer too.

He wished she’d just turn around. That he could say sorry.

Was it really so hard? He should have started there.

Had he ever apologized for that?

He was always doing that; barging in where he wasn’t welcome. The world was his, yes but…he had to concede there were some parts of it he ought not just barge in on.

When he burst into the hospital, however, they wouldn’t dare tell him he wasn’t invited, wouldn’t dare tell him he couldn’t see her.

“Where. is my. wife?” Lightning slammed into a lamppost just outside the front door, shattering its glass box, and making the light spark, the rain pounding at the window like rabid dogs.

The desk clerk looked like she was about to pee out of sheer fear.

“Sh-sh-she’s not out of surgery yet, your majesty...I understand you want to see her, but I can’t let you…until-until they’re finished.” She was practically vibrating. “I assure you the moment she gets out, we’ll notify you.”

Surgery? He wanted to demand. She’s the queen of the gods, how could she be in surgery?

Electricity sparked in his eyes, trailing throughout his hair. He could say I demand you let me see her. He could say I don’t care! She’s my wife, and I’m not waiting! She’s fine! She’s the queen—she’s my queen—she won’t be hurt from a little car accident!

But there were some places he ought not just barge in on… and the surgeons room was probably one of them.

The lightning let out a sighing crackle, before he closed his eyes, his hair falling back upon his shoulders. It was then that he noticed he was dripping wet from head to toe. He sighed himself before muttering something like a garbled “I understand, thank you.” And turning to sit in the lobby. Behind him the desk clerk’s coworker held her to keep her from fainting.

He snapped his fingers, drying off, so as not to get their nice, barf-colored carpet all wet. Once he sat down in a chair—(the cushions didn’t have any cush to them)—a kid in the chair across from him scooched away.

He could have that kid lightly charred if he wanted.

Instead he settled for a nice glare, and reached over to pick up last month’s—(or maybe it was a few months ago)—issue of  “Goddess weekly” listening to the rain die down to a drum.

The same old gossip. Usually if he picked one of these up he’d check for any news he ought to be aware of. You know, as the king. Not to mention the ladies weren’t unappealing. Now he flicked through without seeing any of it.

Speaking of ladies, there was a nymph sitting across the room from him, her skin blue, her ears down, and a cute little half smile. She surely wasn’t in here for anything serious. She kept glancing from her own magazine to him—but not in a nervous way. If he wasn’t mistaken, she wouldn’t be opposed to a session of hide-the-German-sausage.

If he wanted he could take her there in a darkened closet in the hallway. It wouldn’t take long—(if it didn’t need to…or it could take all night). That would be a nice way to relieve the stress bubbling in his body.

—Someone was laying next to him, her skin smooth, practically glowing. There was rather a lot of it exposed.

She turned over, her eyes fluttering open, a small smile creasing her features as she rolled onto his chest, tickling his chin with her fingers.

“I had a wonderful time,” she twittered, and he practically purred, staring into those big blue eyes, glittering like river stones.

He pushed her green hair behind her ear.

“Is that all? I’d like to think a night with the King of the gods would be more than merely ‘wonderful.’”

She giggled. “No no, it was much more than wonderful! It was spectacular! Mind-blowing!” She threw her arms in the air.

“That’s more like it.” He grinned—

When was that again? Two years ago, or two days ago?

It could have been either.

Had he apologized for that?

Would it have mattered if he had? Would she have forgiven him? Would he have stopped?—

Bile rose in his throat, and he dove his nose so hard into the magazine he almost smacked himself with it.

His wife was bruised and bleeding, and potentially worse in a nearby room, at the mercy of some quack holding a scalpel and a few comforting words…and here he was thinking of betraying her for the…

How many times had it been now?

He threw the magazine back on the table and sank in the chair till his head was nearly on the bottom cushion, his lip flapping his he blew out a breath, making his hair fly up a little.

The kid and his mom got called, and seemed glad of a reason to leave.

After a healthy dose of moping he pulled out his phone. After checking fatesbook and playing a few games he decided it was time to open his messages.

He didn’t want to be alone. He wanted some sensible and non-conjugal company.

He scrolled through and clicked on a name.

A number of old conversations sprinkled the page, often detailing Zeus asking about getting together and the correspondent saying they were busy.

He thought a moment about what to say—(a rare occurrence for him)—before deciding any vague requests would probably get ignored, so he simply decided the boldfaced truth:

Hera’s been in a car accident. She’s in surgery.

“WHAT?!” The word was spoken aloud—and very loudly at that.

Hades was standing in front of him. If the king being here wasn’t enough reason for weird looks, this outburst had sent more than a few eyes their way.

Zeus did a finger wave at the nymph, before he grabbed his brother’s arm, whisking him off to a less crowded hallway.

The only thing here was a vending machine, and a few overly picturesque pictures of trees.

“How did this happen?!”  Hades shout-whispered.

“I would venture to guess she was driving too fast.”

“I could have gathered that myself, thank you very much!” Hades was clearly trying not to shout. “What was she doing?! Where was she going?!”

Zeus rolled folded his arms. “Does it matter?”

“Sure it matters! Well at least it’d be good to know!”

“…I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?! What do you mean you don’t know?! She’s your wife—!”

“I said I don’t know!” he kicked the vending machine.

The air shattered and reformed itself.

Zeus sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, his voice softening. “I…I don’t know.”

Two sides of him warred. One wanted to shout at Hades. He expected him to know where she was at all times? Oh yeah, that would go over well with her. What kind of helicopter husband would he be then?

And yet, it felt wrong for him not to know. Like some sort of failure. She was his wife. Shouldn’t he? Shouldn’t he have asked? Shouldn’t he care?

Hades’ gaze softened.

“I upset her.” Zeus murmured. “We got into a fight.”

Hades leaned against the wall. He was probably resisting the urge to say he could have gathered that too.

Zeus leaned his head forward onto the glass of the vending machine, his hair falling to the side, his reflection vaguely eyeing him.

“We got into a fight and she…I hadn’t even realized she went for a drive.” He paused, observing the chocolate and chips sitting in neat rows in the machine. “Do you think she liked Twyx?”

“Huh?”

“Do you think she liked Twyx?”

Hades pondered it a moment. “Probably. She tends to like things with caramel in them.”

Zeus smiled wryly. “See? I didn’t even know that.”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to ask her all your burning questions about her favorite candy flavors very soon.”

“That’s not the point.” Zeus whispered.

Zeus was feeling a little off-kilter.

He nearly fell into a three-thousand drachma vase.

Okay, make that a lot.

The sound of heels on the staircase. The white one they’d painted for that one event…what had they been celebrating again?

His hazy gaze made her glitter even more than usual.

“Have I ever told you that you’re like the sea on a summer’s day?” Zeus’ voice came out blurry. He put his hand in his hair, trying to look sexy, you know, like the kind of guy you’d wanna forgive.

This was met by her hair slapping him in the face as she walked by him. She paused a few steps below him, turning.

“Is that alcohol I smell on your breath?”

“I may have had one—“ He hiccuped, “or five, appletinis.”

“And this is what? An intelligent conversation you’re trying to have?” She folded her arms over her chest.

“Actually,” he held up a finger. The action made him feel off-balance so he leaned against the railing, trying to land in a sexy pose. “There is something I wanted to say.”

“You’re barely coherent when you’re sober, at least spare me until then.”

He rolled his eyes—(and made himself feel even dizzier).

She turned to go back up the stairs.

“Wait!” He shouted.

She stopped, looked over her shoulder, eyes narrow as a cat’s. “What?”

“I-hic!” He covered his mouth as if embarrassed. Clearly emotion was dangerous. “I wasn’t trying to get wasted! I just-hic!-needed more than three or four to say this.”

“Oh yeah? Spit it out Grape Sorbet.” She folded her arms over her chest.

“I’m…” he held on to the railing for support. “I’m sorry.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”

“You…You were right.” He took a step closer.

“About what?” Her breath bated.

“I just…I didn’t want to admit it. I couldn’t…” He looked away. “I couldn’t tell you sober.”

“About what?” The words had a rough edge to them, her chest heaving with breath.

Ah. She knew. She knew what he was going to say, even before he said it.

“I…I did cheat on you.”

“Wh-What?” Her eyes tinted red…but there was so much hurt in the word.

Fear and shame rose in tandem like ocean waves, threatening to bowl him over, and he realized that the truth wasn’t going to help at all. But all he could do was let it pour out of him.

“You-hic-You asked if I was with-hic—”

“Stop.” She covered her mouth as if to keep the worst words from spilling out, tears welling in her eyes.

“But I—”

“I said stop!” Her voice rang through the room like something shattering.

Maybe something was.

Her heels against the stairs, fast and sharp, and away.

“Wait!”

Turn around please, let me apologize, let me explain, I won’t do it again.

He threw up in the vase.

“Daddy? What was that all about?” The small voice made his blood run cold. “What did you cheat at? Were you playing a game?”

Zeus turned, horrified, to see Ares, hiding behind a crack in the door.

“I shouldn’t have yelled at her.” He breathed. “It was stupid, really.”

Hades put a dollar in the vending machine and punched in a number.

“People say all kinds of things when they’re angry. Doesn’t mean you’re bad, just means you’re people. Which…” Hades looked him up and down, adding under his breath, “I wonder about sometimes.”

“...You must think I’m a terrible husband.”

Hades grabbed two chocolate bars and handed one to his brother.

“I think you need something sweet, maybe a little hydration, and some rest.”

Zeus unwrapped the bar and took a bite, not really tasting anything.

After a moment Hades sighed.

“It’s not so simple as that.” Hades said between bites, “I don’t necessarily think there’s such a thing as a ‘terrible husband’ or ‘the best husband.’ I…I don’t even think there’s such a thing as good and bad people. There’s just…people. There’s just husbands. But there are rules that come with being a person, and/or being a husband and…” he paused, trying to choose his words carefully, “you don’t always follow those rules.”

Zeus fell back against the wall, looking at the floor, denials dying in his throat.

It was raining.

No, actually it was pouring. And thundering. The lightning was like cracks in a collapsing sky, and Zeus’s gut was twisting like the snakes on the head of a gorgon.

“What? You-you think you can just undo this?!” Hera’s words were biting. “It’s done!” Her laugh was wry and sardonic, like an ache in her throat, red tainting the blue of her eyes. “You can’t just fix something like that! Once someone cheats at the game no one else just keeps playing!”

“It was a mistake! One stupid night!”

“One stupid night, huh?! Then how do you explain this?!” She held up his phone. The pictures. The…Oh Gaia.

The snakes in his gut bit down, and he bit his lip looking away. He hadn’t known she knew about that.

“You’ve got it all wrong! That was just—!”

“I thought you were different!” She bit off his excuse, the anger cracked, and the pain was bleeding through, and he wasn’t the only one making it rain: A tear fell down her face, then another, her mascara running black along her cheeks. “You made me smile, you made me laugh! You saved your brothers from your father. And I thought we could make a kingdom—a world—together!” She shook her head, grimacing, trying and failing to keep more tears from falling. “I thought we could be something!”

“We are! We have! I just made a mistake! I—!”

“No, Zeus.” There was a finality to her tone.

Tears streamed down her face now. He hated it when she cried. She didn’t do it often, and whenever she did he was ready to smite whoever hurt her but…he’d hurt her worst of all.

“I thought you were different. But you’re—“ the words were like an antique vase, riddled with cracks. “You’re just another bad guy.” She punched him in the arm, and the vase broke, the defiance into pain. She punched him in the arm…but it was weak and far too soft, and that’s how he knew she was really hurt; she could bring the sky down on him if she wanted.

She looked down at her hand, twisting her wedding ring with a finger.

“I’m staying with a friend tonight.”

Her wedding ring tinkled on the floor.

As she turned and walked away the word rang out like he was hoping his voice alone could rewrite his sins and bring her back:

“Wait!”

She didn’t stop, didn’t turn, didn’t make any indication she’d even heard him.

“Please…Please just wait.” These were soft.

He fell to his knees on the marble, scooping up her wedding ring and enclosing it in his fingers, holding it to his forehead, and trying not to bring the sky down upon himself.

He’d seen her angry. He’d seen her sad. But this? Seeing her break for him…was so much worse.

It reminded him too much of another time. Of a scar on her stomach. How she broke herself just to be his.

—(And he wondered, for a fleeting moment, if it would have been better if he had been the one to break.)—

“There you are!” Said a voice. “You can come see her now,”—a cleared throat— “your Majesty.”

*

Notes: Aright, so this chapter had a few things I was unsure about I thought I’d ask about here!

1. Does anyone have any other clever play-on-words for candy brands? I feel like Zeus would know that she likes caramel in general, so it’d make more sense if Hades said “she likes [X similar candy] so she’d probably like Twyx.” But Twyx is all my brain came up with and I don’t even know that it’s all that good XD

2. I’m aware that the gods don’t call each other “people” they call each other “beings.” However, Hades’ lines don’t have as much impact with “beings.” Did the fact that I used “people” stick out too much? Should I change it to “beings”?

3. I know Ancient Greek wedding ceremonies are different from ours, and they might not even have wedding rings. But that image was so impactful for me I decided to use it. Should I remove it? Or did you find it impactful?

Please let me know if there’s anything you felt was inaccurate to their characters!!

Thanks so much for reading!! 💕💕

[moth-based-cryptology]

HELLO BESTIE I am currently having Ralbert Brainrot and you're the best person go come to for this, obviously,, so PLEASE share! I would like to hear about ufc albert or youtuber race, or dancing partners!! I love them smm

HI YES HELLO USING THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO WRITE UFC FIGHTER AL PART 2 THANKS BABES

i just witnessed a literal crime and i’m Feeling The Rage (boxing judges at mma events can catch these hands) so here is. my brain on anger.

also the first half of this is pretty fight-talk heavy but the second half is more al/ralbert central so message me/send me an ask if i don’t explain something well enough <3

here is the ask i sent to @we-are-inevitable (thanks jac i’m in love with you mwah) and here is part 1 for this au if you haven’t read that one yet !!

also,,,,, this is fairly obvious. but trigger warning for violence/physical fighting, as well as blood. (it’s a rough gig y’all fjdhdb) oh and swearing but that’s pretty much just me LMAO

here i am, bein mad and writing ralbert. therapy time with chandler ig

OK SO

this is after his debut. duh. continuation

i think he’s probably 5 fights in with 5 wins. he’s been running people through, especially with four full camps after a short notice start, and he’s never even seen a decision in the ufc

let’s just say the hype train is moving FAST and it’s moving LOUD

everyone has to have those people that watch their fights just to see them lose, on top of the majority male fan base that have to have a little bit of toxic masculinity and homophobia in there

so there’s A LOT of people that are waiting for him and his hype train to get derailed. but there’s also a fair amount of fans, so you win some you lose some (the way i would die to see this be a real fighter pls)

now albert’s not always the most confident guy, and he’s never been cocky, but none of this shit gets to him. he’s got his coaches, he’s got his friends and he’s got race behind him. he knows he’s got the skills, and he’s got his support system, so who gives a shit what a bunch of cowards on the internet have to say?

and then they put him against someone known for his grappling and stamina. and the “it’s a wrap for dasilva!” bandwagon starts. it happens every time a rising striker and early knockout artist fights a well known grappler with any semblance of later round power (even if al has a background in wrestling and has gone 5 rounds and won outside of the ufc. it’s a bandwagon for a reason)

and it’s not Upsetting, it’s not really getting into his head in any way that’ll make him do worse, but it’s kinda pissing him off. which is bad for his opponent

the last person on earth you want to be fighting is an annoyed albert dasilva who thinks he has something to prove

he works his ass off in camp, and the press tour is a self-assured albert vs. a loudmouth who thinks he’s hot shit cause a few people on twitter think he’ll sweep

and, to be completely honest? it’s starting to look that way 2 rounds in.

it’s a 5 round fight, co-main event on a big card, and so far all al’s opponent has done is pinned him to the cage and kept him there. a few strikes worth anything - at least enough make al’s cheek bleed, no takedowns, which would at least give him some activity, and so submission attempts, so he can’t even gain any ground that way. he’s just- Stuck. and if THIS is how he loses, he’s gonna be pissed

the bell for the second round sounds, and you can actually see al’s chest heaving on camera as he walks to his corner - not because he’s tired or out of breath, but because he’s MAD, and fuck if he’s not going to do something about it

not only that, but he can not only see race and jack standing up by the cage - plus race’s expression, which is slightly annoyed and super anxious, which hurts his chest to think about - but he can hear them too

jack is yelling profanities, as per usual. he doesn’t that regardless of how the fight is going, but it’s less encouraging when you’re the one losing.

race though,,,, race isn’t really yelling, he’s more talking to himself than anything, but he’s close enough to cage and al knows him well enough to figure out what he’s saying. and if the muttered almost-prayers while he paces back and forth weren’t enough, the shiny gold engagement ring on race’s hand definitely is

round 3,,,, let’s just say it goes a little differently than the first 2 had gone.

he opens with a spinning back kick, of all fucking things, and that truly sets the pace

he’s the taller guy by a few inches, like usual, which makes his arms longer. the only reason crushing his against the cage worked is cause the guy he’s fighting cuts weight like a wrestler, so he’s easily got 20 pounds on albert come fight night

but once he finds his rhythm and starts throwing, he starts connecting too. he manages to stay out of range of his opponent and stay his comfortable distance to start t-ing off

this isn’t a one punch power ending. this isn’t a beautiful head kick, or a giant knee, or even just a clean right hook.

this is albert, who’s arms are starting to feel the 3rd round a little bit, hitting this guy with everything he has cause he refuses to lose this fight.

i mean- everyone watched him get up at the start of the round with a set jaw and a scary determined glint in his eye. he’s not a person you fuck with, and he’s definitely not a person you publicly ridicule before being locked in a cage to fight with

the guy he’s fighting is absolutely battered, but he manages to survive until round 4. the first of the championship rounds, something al’s never seen in a ufc fight before, and it feels like the arena is holding its breath

so when al comes out and does the same thing as round 3 to better results - fight ending results - everyone’s a little shocked, honestly

the commentary team’s in disbelief, cause albert is NOT a slow starter, regardless of what this fight would tell you, and the fact he managed a win at all, let alone such a phenomenal one, is fucking astounding

he gets his hand raised, obviously, but the really interesting part is the post fight interview

“albert, man, what changed between round 2 and 3? what second gear did you find?”

“bro, i just— it was pissing me off, honestly. i don’t come in here to get pinned down for 25 minutes. and, y’know, my team gave me good advice. i had all the pieces, straight from the jump, someone just had to force me to put them in place…”

and then he looks over at race, who gives al one of those half grin, half smirks and winks at him, and al just chuckles to himself and finishes answering the question

“the thing that really forced my hand is race. i won’t get cheesy on you, but watching someone who loves and supports you through everything panic cause he’s scared for you - it’s a big motivator. everyone would figure out a lot more of my motivations if they went and watched race’s expressions back instead of whatever the hell i’m doing in here. he’s always been the brains, i’m just the brawn.”

and that’s a better answer than anyone was expecting, plus he’s just had the fight of a lifetime that’s probably earned him a title shot, so he’s done soon after that and gets to have his little in-cage celebration

he hugs his team and jack, who razzes him a little bit as per usual, and makes some dumb quip about going over tapes later like he’s a coach. and then comes race

he hugs him, all tender and cute and also very sweaty cause That’s How It Works, and the camera’s focused on him, so they can tell they’re whispering back and forth. but there’s no mics on them, so what’s said is missed entirely on the audience, but it’s their usual cheesy, in love mess

“congrats, baby. i’m proud of you.”

“oh please. it was 90% you anyway. i meant what i said, it wasn’t just for the cameras.”

“i know that. i’m gonna have to get you back somehow for telling everyone to go back and watch my awful anxious expression. i’ll think of something.”

“i’m sure you will, sweetheart.”

and then al does that awful, adorable lil nose bump thing, and then kisses race. and then jack covers his eyes and whines until they stop like the actual 12 year old boy he is inside

and then they leave the octagon, race and al holding hands, and al throws his arm over jack’s shoulder and shoves his head down and pushes him, cause even though he was just in a literal cage match he’s still a roughhousing teenager at heart

and he’s got interviews and press shit that separates him from his people, and he’s gotta slide that bulletproof mask back down over all the happy and in love shit he’s feeling so he can not smile like an idiot on camera constantly

but every once in awhile he’ll catch jack giving him the finger and laugh before returning it below view of the camera

or he’ll catch race’s eye from where he’s standing behind all the studio lights and do a little wave under the camera and return the wink from earlier, and the unbothered fighter facade will crack a little bit

but he’s not completely convinced that’s such a bad thing

GOD THIS POST IS SO MUCH LONGER THEN I MEANT IT TO BE IM SORRY

but Yeah. Them.

i love this au a helleva lot more than i should but that’s Fine cause i’ve got thoughts for days on it

[just-a-fangirl13]

Why s5 *might* be the season MacRiley happens

Okay so...Hear me out! I'm not crazy I promise!!

Firstly, after 5x03 (and probably 5x04) it may seem very unlikely that MacRiley could ever happen. But I thought of a few reasons why they might actually happen by the end of s5 after all.... (it gets a lil long winded and kinda complicated but just stick with me till the end!)

1. All the MacRiley moments including the ones in 5x03.

[this Mac smile could not be an accident or something that slipped through both production and post-production right?! that in itself is a whole reason!]

Every Macriley moment we have ever had- whether it's the hugs, Riley saving Mac, Mac saving Riley, the ultimate show of loyalty when Riley went after Mac during Codex or even just the looks exchanged between the two- to any outsider it would seem pretty obvious that they are dating or at least in love. Keep in mind the writers would have written each of those scenes and Lucas and Tristan have acted them out with a specific build up in mind aka MacRiley.(think about the date episode: Riley just got dumped but was still thinking about how Mac might be hungry. She didnt have to do that. She could have just shown up at his place..) I mean how can they write two people so perfectly in sync and so perfect for each other and not have them end up together? It would just be a waste of all that tension and slow burn. (not to mention all the hugs and glances)

2. They know we exist. 

The MacRiley fam is very active on twitter with the writers and while they were writing 5x01 they knew we were around. They know we are a huge group. They would not want to risk pissing 90% of the fandom off by not making MacRiley endgame.

[P.S.yes 5x03 was a bait and switch but if you were paying attention you would have noticed that neither Lucas not Tristan live tweeted or hyped up the episode. They knew we would probably hate it so they didnt publicise it too much! so in the future if you have doubts about the episode being a MacRiley one just check their stories or posts on twitter/intstagram]

3. Yes 5x03 happened. 

I really think it was an episode they HAD to write. Ok so after 4x13 they had 7 more episodes planned and were filming 4x20 (aka the finale) when the pandemic struck. So they have these 6 episodes but no finale for it. [Idk if anyone else has noticed but in 5x01 there were clearly some parts cut out. For example the conversation between Desi and Riley towards the end seemed a bit jilted. Riley asking Desi to forgive her but Desi replied with yeah we are cool (still no apology ofc) I feel like something happened during that which ended up getting cut out so it could fit with the final story.]

This makes me think that they have rewritten a few bits to tie into the new finale episode. In 5x03 when Mac asked Desi to come fishing with him which was clearly something very personal to him she was like no do better.. then we see Mac's disappointed expression. She could have easily said okay but maybe not for our first date? Or its not really my thing? Or just about anything else rather than laughing in his face like that. Eventhough MD is together they still arent compatible. Mac’s final words in 5x03 was him being desperate. I truly think he is so broken and lost that Desi is the only safe thing left, the only thing he feels like he can fix right now. Once he finds himself again and heals...then it's going to hit him like a pile of bricks!!

4. But Riley doesn't have feelings anymore...WELL doesnt she? 

When it comes to Mac, Riley is always in denial. We saw it in s4 when she tells Bozer not to make her say it. I think s5 will show her finally accepting it. Finally accepting that she is in love with her best friend and that it definitely isnt Codex adrenaline because she caught the feels when Codex wasnt even around. While Mac's arc would include realising he and Desi are never going to work and that he is unhappy and that RILEY is the one for him.

[why else would they give Riley feelings for Mac? Something has to come of it.]

5. The slow burn rule.[this point is a lil complicated] 

Now season 5 is rumoured to have 13 episodes. So here’s what I think: If MacGyver follows the pattern that most shows do when it comes to slow burns, then technically MacRIley should have happened at the end of season 4. But since the season got cut short and they didnt get to air/finish their final episode the writers had to improvise. 

From what I know, 4x19 which is 5x04 for us is the episode where Mac meets Desi’s parents and 4x20 was supposed to be the finale that was left unfinished.(they are definitely moving the timeline ahead if a pre finale episode is suddenly a mid season one.) There might have been a 4x21 or 4x22 but I haven't heard anything about those....EVER.

So what I think they have decided to do instead is extend the MD storyline a bit longer just so they dont end up scrapping all their s4 episodes where they would be together and write a new finale that ties everything together, aka MacRiley.

If you think about episode counts, s4 and s5 together would have 26 episodes which is a how long a normal season runs. Basically what im trying to say is if we follow the ‘slow burns end by s4’ and take season 5 as an extension of 4 then MacRiley should get together in the season 5 finale or maybe the episode just before. (IM REALLY TRYING TO GET SOME LOGIC INTO THIS)

This would be a typical TV thing too where the couple finds out about each other’s feelings while the main arc of the show is also at its peak, which perfectly sets up a future season where fans are hyped but still has a satisfying ending.

6. So what about MacDesi?

So far the macgyver writers have given us characters we love. Think of every character on the show apart from maybe Desi... Mac, Riley, Bozer, Jack, Matty, Leanna, Samantha, Russ and even Murdoc. WE LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. So then why is Desi such a strange character? I think shes purposely been written as an opposite to Mac or even Riley (I get she’s supposed to kinda replace Jack but Jack is really irreplaceable). 

It's not necessarily a bad thing its just not a great thing to do or have great execution. People have said things like Desi is a badass and shouldnt have to apologise or say I love you back to her boyfriend because she is a strong woman...I'm sorry but your opinion of who a strong woman is, is EXTREMELY skewed. A strong woman is someone who can make mistakes and when she does, she is ‘strong’ enough to own up to it, she is loyal and fierce and also caring while being a badass who can take down bad guys. And for GODS SAKE, RILEY DAVIS IS A STRONG WOMAN...people have called her mushy and feminine on twitter and I'm just very confused by that.....

Anyways before I go off on a rant, it seems like Desi is intentionally being written this way. Every opportunity they get to redeem her and make her more relatable or just a better person they just dont take it. While Rileys character arc is one of the best I've ever seen. Either its intentional or they’ve forgotten how to write characters...which is worrisome but ill give them the benefit of the doubt.

The writers also know we dont like Desi. The amount of times we've tagged them in the toxic posts or pointed out problematic things we can be sure they've seen at least half of those. So theres no way they dont know. RIGHT?

So why then is MD still a thing you may ask??

Well for one they cant break them up again off screen because of those unreleased s4 episodes. (not to mention the other parts of the audience who arent as invested in mac’s love life would probably be very confused.)

Secondly Mac has to be the one to pull the plug, not Desi. 4x13 made it seem like Desi was the annoyed one not Mac. He apologised to her which meant he wanted to fix things. 

Thirdly, they are opening the chpt one last time before they permanently close it. MD is going to be a stark contrast to macriley(it already is in every way possible). Every issue Mac and Desi had can be used to show how amazing macriley really is as two people who arent even dating yet.

Fourthly, MD being together is a sort of commentary on Macs mental health as well. We can see how happy he is with Riley but around Desi he becomes some one else. If the writers are doing this on purpose or subconsciously still remains to be seen.

And Yes keeping MD around for a few more episodes seems like a necessary risk right now but I have a feeling its going to be worth it later.

[I know we have had like 4 desi entered episodes already but I really think 5x04 will be the last of it since 5x05 is the Jack episode and 5x06 is Mac+Riley+Bozer episode with no mention of Desi at all!]

The writers know we are a dedicated bunch and they know that once MD breaks up for the last time the entire fandom will be waiting and watching. That's when the show will be at its peak. That will be the perfect moment to bring in MacRiley’s arc to a new start!

Congrats if you stuck with me through this whole thing! if you agree/disgaree with any of these or have other reasons why they could be endgame in s5 let me know!!

[softxhariana]

34+35 live stream

description: ariana’s live stream before debut of 34+35 remix music video.

word count: 2.22k

A/N: little piece based off this live stream that ariana did in the countdown to her releasing the 34+35 remix music video with doja and megan. obvs not included every question but just a few fun bits and harry mentions for you x

also disclaimer, this is NOT real, if u don't wanna read about these two then don't, i’m not tryna act like they’re together it is fiction.

❤ anywayz hope u enjoy luvs xox

❖   "HELLO EVERYONE! thank u for coming to this premier,” ariana smiled sweetly at the camera, as the video cut to a shot of her for the beginning of the countdown.

“we had so much fun making this 34+35 remix video for you, and uhh, we hope you love it.” she continued, playing with her hair. no matter how long she did this for she swore she would never cease to get slightly nervous in these situations. where it was her alone, in front of a camera. but her fans made her feel at ease, and she felt she owed them something, as she hadn’t done many quarantine interviews like other celebs have.

“i thought i would come celebrate and join the countdown with you guys. which is something that I've never done before, but i’m very happy to be here and i was very excited to get some questions from you all...” she held up the sheets of twitter questions she had received, “um that i’m gonna be answering while i’m here so, i cant wait to celebrate this together and countdown and answer some of your questions!” she finished with a smile.

and it was genuine. a real smile that her fans were thrilled to see.

ariana was genuinely so happy and content with her life right now. with her family, her music, her friends, harry. harry her FIANCE!! might she add.

everything just felt perfect, and after all the shit the last couple years had thrown her way, she appreciated the break.

 she got her love back, she was making music that she fully loved, and put her whole soul into, and she had fans who had stuck with her and supported her through some of the darkest times in her life, that were now able to experience her happiness and personal growth with her. so truly, little things like this, felt like the least she could do for them.

“ohh this is a good one because its 34 35 related” she tucked her hair behind her ears, “@noirgrande said ‘ummm its just i wanna the end of 34+35 is it awww shit or nooo shit, i just wanna sing the song right”

“umm it is indeed no shit” she confirmed, smiling matter of factly at the camera before reciting the closing line of the song.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“@arianalocks1223 said ‘will we get to see the track list before the songs release?’” she paused for a second to process - which turned into a few more seconds, she was a bit slow today. she had told harry with full sincerity that she thought it was because she was getting old but he had just cracked up at her absurd statement, and told her that if that was the case he’d still think she was a milf

“you will!” she nodded with certainty, “indeed. ummm... i can tell you them now” she blurted, oops.

“i suppose thats not like... is that against the rules? can i do that?” she turned, to question scooter who was supervising off camera, not wanting to get her label mad at her for releasing too much information, something she has a tendency to do. 

after getting the nod of reassurance from him she turned back to the camera, “so out of ‘POV’, you go into, um, an interlude called ‘someone like u’. after that is a song called ‘test drive’, after that is the 34/35 remix with doja and meg” she smiles lightly, “and after that is a song called ‘worst behaviour’, and after worst behaviour is... a song called ‘main thing’...” she finishes, a shy smirk forming on her face, dimples appearing, “so that’s the tracks.” 

continuing with the countdown, ariana felt her heart warm at the love her fans were giving her and this album. she loved interacting with them and making them happy and proud of her so knowing she had done just that, was an amazing feeling.

“umm hesbloodsline... @hesbloodsline ... i’m really fond of this question because its really to the point, ‘where's the pig and where the fuck is harry?’” she smiled, holding in a laugh.

“piggy’s here, she's great, she's really doing so well and life is really good for her right now, she's really thriving and doing her thing” she ranted, a hint of sarcasm in her voice, “um, i make her big salads everyday that she likes, she's doing really great. she asked me to stop posting her as much because she's actually really offended by a lot of your jokes that you make on twitter, she asked me to have a word with you guys” she continued to joke, well aware that she probably found herself more funny than anyone else did right now.

“she doesn't like the jokes about being eaten, they really hurt her, umm yeh, and she asked me to convey that... no she’s great...” she finally decided to answer, “and harry, is on set today, so um, yeh thats where he is... but don't worry i will tell him to keep you in the loop, i’ve got you” 

ariana unconsciously let a small smile take over her glossed lips when talking about harry. he had been so excited about this new project and seeing him passionate and happy about anything he’s doing, always made her happiest.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“nicole! @nastyctrl. nicole said ‘who helped come up with the concept for the positions music video, love u sm ari’ love you so much to, i love you so much more” she paused, she loved this story,

“um this is actually a really funny story, dave and i had been going back and forth on several different concepts, and i couldn't, like... marry one... i couldn't really, like, really commit to one, i wasn't 100% sold. and it was missing a certain element of empowerment. and i kept, you know, trying to think of things that would make it more impactful cause i wasn't loving what we had...”

“anddd then me and harry were on this huge hike, and he just turned to me and was like, ‘what if you were the president?’ which was like, not at all fitting cause i was dying and complaining the whole time. but i was like,” she tried to imitate a shocked face through her smile and laughed 

“and when i called dave he was like ‘oh... kay, ill call you guys back’ and had the whole production team redo everything, and i had mimi pull completely different outfits and we completely started over cause that idea was what i was, craving and missing. and i was like, wow, thats so perfect” she smiled, shrugging her shoulders, “so yeh, honorary directing credit to harry styles, if you liked that”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“this is from @borderlinevinyl, who said ‘how much of the album was recorded at your little home studio?’ ummm..” she sang, looking off camera in thought, everything in quarantine had honestly just blurred into one so she was struggling to remember what exactly she recorded where,

“um... a lot of it was... i think i did parts of everything here and parts of things at tommy's i know i did, um, the final chorus ad-libs for positions at home” she began listing in her head, “i know i did all of off the table at home... i know i did the final chorus of my hair at home because we- i-” oops. she had to control the laugh threatening to leave her lips at the lack of subtlety in her correction

“-i got out of the shower and he was like ‘oh your whistles are really here right now’, and i was like y’know what... yeahh they are aren’t they” she laughed as she squinted her eyes and recited that part of the conversation, even trying to imitate his deeper accent.

she had been singing in the shower - as she always did - and harry joining her never seemed to stop her from belting out any whitney or old one direction classic she wanted to. he would even join in sometimes and they'd end up with their own mini concert, dancing around naked, shampoo and conditioner bottles in hand singing their hearts out to everything from high school musical to nicki minaj to fleetwood mac.

while it felt like too bold of statement to make as she truly revelled in and enjoyed everything they did together, showering with him was truly one of her favourite’s. whether it was steamy shower sex that had all glass surfaces in the room fogging up or letting loose and dancing and singing under the pouring water, every moment felt so intimate and sacred. it truly made her feel like they were they only people in the world. 

of course he would claim she was out singing him every time she whistled and would jokingly try to replicate the note but he was truly just in awe off the sounds that came from her mouth (in all senses of the word;)

"-and so i opened ‘my hair’ and just randomly did that” she continued, “um what else did i do here, i did the a lot of the backgrounds and ad-libs for 34+35 here, um, obvious was done at home, a lot of six-thirty was done at home”

caught in her own thoughts she only realised she had probably been droning on for too long when she caught scooters eye across the room and with a blush she shook her head as if to clear it, “this is an annoying answer, everything was kind of all over the place but i did a lot, a lot, a lot of the vocals for the album at the house" she finally finished the long answer, moving on quickly as she realised she didn't have long until the premiere and she wanted to answer as many of the questions as possible.

“ok, second last question from hannah, ever- @everdxystxless, im sorry i don't know how to pronounce that” she laughs looking up at the camera with wide eyes, not sure how exactly how she was supposed to go about pronouncing the username, 

“im sorry, um, but anyway she say’s ‘ari baby, how do you feel about harry getting to do a movie with florence pugh, we know your a big fan of hers, ps. i love you so much!’ well hannah, i love you too” she replies, as she thinks back to when harry first introduced the two, after she had gotten over the initial fangirling, the pair became amazing friends. florence struck ariana as such a genuine, loving person and they shared the same dry sense of humour. plus ariana might of been just a little obsessed with her accent - not that she would ever admit that and scare the girl off.

“and... um, yeah, it literally, made me beyond happy, i was fully like, fangirling when i met her the first time” she laughs as she plays with her hair, “she honestly, probably was like, ‘who the fuck is this girl? what is she doing?’”ariana imitated, a faux scared/weirded out look on her face, playing the part of a mildly pissed off florence - which she luckily had never been on the receiving end of, “im sure i was being the opposite of subtle about it but, no, she really truly is the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, talented human being” she emphasises, the thought of any news outlets of fan’s trying to spin a ‘jealousy’ story about this making her internally role her eyes,

“midsommar is, like, one of my all time favourite movies, and she's amazing in it, and harry’s like so fucking lucky its crazy. so yeah, thats insane”

~~~~~~~~~

"...so yeah... thank you so much! this was so much fun!” ariana exclaimed as she wrapped up the Q&A, smiling wide at the camera, she knew her fans were going to love the music video and she couldn't wait for them to watch it, plus interacting with them in this way always made her happy.

“i love you guys, i miss you” she reminded, “i am so appreciative of everything you've done for this album, for these singles, for this music. i hope that, um, that this makes you super happy, i hope it makes you smile...we had so much fun shooting it and um, the girls are so fantastic, so i hope you love this and i hope you love the deluxe!” 

ariana didn't know how many more ways she could say thank you and express her gratitude but she still had over a minute and a half so she’d have to come up with something, even if it meant she’d sound like a broken record

“i am so thankful for everything and for the love that you've shown this music i cant even begin to articulate it properly so, thank you! i appreciate it so much” she breathed out all in one, “but anyway, the video should be starting soon, so... i hope you like it, don't refresh! it’ll be here soon... i promise... just don't refresh” she urged dramatically, she was really dragging this out, “but yeh” she got out through laughs “the video should be starting anytime now, i love you guys” she blew a kiss to the camera before moving as close to the lens as possible “byee”.

🖤 there u go!! i hope you liked it, and any feedback would always always be welcomed and so so appreciated pls and thanku x 

[writers-hes]

christmas record.

hello! thank you so much for reading cherry, falling, and late christmas. if you haven’t read them yet, you could do so by clicking the link here. 

if you want to be a part of my taglist, you can do so by clicking this link. 

this is a fluffy christmas fic and even though christmas is done, i hope you enjoy it! this is my longest fic yet, with 6785 words! how cool is that? anyways, read and enjoy! send me feed back and requests, i really appreciate them :) 

HAPPY 100+ FOLLOWERS I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!

warning: unedited ! i was rushing to post this before christmas but i’ll be going over my fics soon to edit everything. thank you! 

------------

you were a photographer. you liked going to free shows around town, taking pictures of everyone in it. you liked how music swayed them and made them live in the moment. photography was your way of immortalising that fleeting moment. still, you weren’t as successful as other photographers to make it as your main source of income and that was okay. as long as you get to share your art with an audience, you knew you were doing something. you were on a break from your shift at baskin robbins when your phone notified that you just received a message.

helenepamburn.photography: Hello i just want to say i absolutely love your work!!

your phone read. helene pemburn was a photographer you’ve never heard of before. you decided to look at her instagram and check out her work and damn, it is amazing. it seems as though her muse was harry styles, your best friend’s favourite male artist. you have listened to his songs before, even downloaded his first album and he was good.

35mmdiary: oh my god!! thank you so much. i love yours too!! portrait is something that i’m not entirely good at :-)

helenepamburn.photography: Im helene, by the way ! What camera set-up do you usually use? 35mmdiary: hi, helene!! i’m y/n. i usually just use a minolta xg-1 camera and i switch up on the lenses…i’m more of a film photographer than a digital one…
helenepamburn.photography: Ah! so you don’t use dlsr cameras?? 😮

35mmdiary: i do but i just take whatever photo and then edit it on lightroom…with my old presets hehehe

35mmdiary: oh im sorry i have to go i have to finish my shift!! 


the conversation ended at that at first but weeks into it and you found yourself really enjoying talking to helene. she became an instant friend, exchanging tips and tricks on photography. she would even talk about how it was touring with harry and etcetera. you wanted to meet each other soon but it was hard, seeing as your finals was right around the corner and harry releasing his new album.

———

“helene, who are you talking to? you’ve been on that phone for so long!” jeff azzof asked. it wasn’t unlike helene to type away at her phone 24/7. she was usually in her corner, editing harry’s photos for the world to see. “y/n,” she muttered. “who?” 
“i found her on instagram and she really has amazing shots! look,” helene said, showing your instagram to jeff. “and this is all film! no editing,” she praised. “oh wow, she is good,” jeff commended. “yeah, well…about that. i think i’m gonna take a break from work first,” helene started. jeff looked at her quizzically. “i know harry’s about to release his album and there’s the thing at the forum and etcetera but i think y/n is gonna be a good replacement, no?” 
“does harry know?” he asked. he was a little concerned that helene’s leave was a little sudden. sure, she’s been working hard, always going where harry was and taking photographs of him but still, it was abdrupt and it wasn’t quite what he was expecting. “ah, no not yet. i was hoping you could talk to him about it?” she shyly asked. harry’s been a ball of stress lately and helene knew that if something out of the schedule were to happen, harry would freak. “helene…” jeff warned. helene looked at him, practically begging him to go tell harry. jeff only sighed and nodded. “thank you!” she gushed. “i owe you one, big time,”

———

it was almost the holiday break, and you can already feel the christmas in l.a.—it’s not snowing, particularly and it’s not as iconic as new york christmas but you can already see christmas lights hanging downtown and at the grove. starbucks already released their holiday drinks and their holiday cups. you were finishing your last paper for the term, ready to finally get back to photography. you finished ahead of everyone else in class and begged some of your professors to let you take some quizzes and tests in advance. perhaps you were lucky this christmas because they allowed you to and you passed your term with good grades.

helenepemburn.photography: y/n I have a question to ask…
35mmdiary: sure what is it??

helenepemburn.photography: Are you done with classes? The semester?? 35mmdiary: yeah why?? helenepemburn.photography: How would you feel about replacing me as a photographer??? Im about to go on a break and I want you to be my fill-in??? You will be paid the same fee as I do during those days too

35mmdiary: What??? are you sure?? helenepemburn.photography: Yes!! The team will be in l.a. next week for a couple of interviews and etc so would be able to meet you and show you the ropes and hang out!!

35mmdiary: sure!! send me the details…i’m free until christmas anyway :)

helenepemburn.photography: See you then !! Im so excited to finally meet you !!

———

it’s been a few days and your best friend was absolutely ecstatic to know that you were harry styles’ photographer for a few weeks. you’ve been thinking about backing out but from your conversations with helene, it seems like she was really craving for a short break. she told you about going to japan and malibu with harry to take behind the scenes photographs. she loved it, of course but she was getting drained. besides, you will be paid a good amount of money for your services, unlike some of the previous bands who told you that you will have a shoutout for the ‘free’ photos you would give them. artists who don’t support artists suck, don’t they?

“i can’t believe! harry fucking styles!” your best friend, gina, exclaims. she was a harrie, the biggest one you’ve seen. she went to the forum, the closing venue for his first solo world tour, bought merch, and runs a fan account on twitter. “shh! keep it down, gina! it’s just a temporary job. i just took it as a favour to helene and also because it pays well. i can pay a little more to my college debt,” you muttered. “still! once you’re on tour with him, don’t you ever forget me,” she fake cries. “i just want a video greeting for harry, okay? like the one that i got you when i met adore delano,” she told you. you nodded and she squealed, jumpy in her seat because she was about to receive a personalised video from harry styles.

———

helenepamburn.photography: Im free right now if you want to meet up!! Im in la and i forgot how much i hated la traffic ://

35mmdiary: sure! where do you wanna meet? helenepamburn.photography: Harry rented an airbnb for all of us in beverly hills…would you like to meet in a coffee shop near it?? Im really craving for american starbucks right now 35mmdiary: sure! i’ll meet you there at 2:30? helenpamburn.photography: Ok and then we can go to the airbnb to meet up with jeff so he could walk you through the details sound good? 35mmdiary: okay…i’ll see you in a bit! be safe ! 


you immediately went inside your shower to take a bath. you were finally meeting helene! you didn’t know who jeff was but you decided to dress a little nicer today just in case this jeff guy was a little strict. opting for minimal make up, your favourite floral pants, white shirt, and your boots, you decided to head out with your iPad and film camera to show helene some of your photos.

it’s almost 2:30 when you arrived at the coffee shop. helene was already there, waving at you excitedly. you smiled and jogged up to her. “helene!” you called as she greeted you with a hug. “y/n! i’m so happy i get to finally meet you!” she laughs. “i hope it’s alright, i already ordered for you,” she says. “oh! thank you. how much was it? i’ll pa—“
“don’t be silly now! it’s okay, you don’t have to worry about it. now, tell me, how have you been?” she asked. you chuckled. “i’m good! i finished all my papers early to focus a little bit on my photography,” you tell her. “college is really sucking the life out of me! i worked part time in baskin robbins too so the stress is just too much,” you grumbled. “ah, well, i promise photographing harry isn’t that stressful. he’s quite chill with whatever you present him as long as it’s in black and white,” she joked. “kidding aside, harry’s whole crew is kind. very approachable and very good people,” she informed you. her words brought comfort over you as you were worrying about how they would treat a newbie. “i’m just really taking a break because i’m so tired! besides, my best friend will get married on christmas and i wanted to be there and take some pictures,” she says.

“you did mention that you like wedding photographs too,” you told her. “i love them! they’re so fun and the vibe is so different. i’m a bridesmaid so i just have to be there, you know? i’m wearing a really cute dress too! here, i’ll show you,” she gushed. she took out her phone and opened the picture. it was a great dress. it was a long peach dress and helene said that all the bridesmaids had dresses inspired by the colours of the sunset. “that’s so cool! i wanna get married someday but then again, not really,” you shared. helene nodded at that. you both spent the afternoon together, walking around beverly hills and just talking.

“hey, let’s go back to the airbnb so i can introduce you to everyone!” she gushed. she booked an uber and then immediately dragged you to the car. you loved how chatty and enthusiastic she was, basically telling you her life story and her friend’s life story in just a few hours. you rode the car once it arrived and it zoomed past the fancy beverly hills neighbourhood. it was a few minutes after when you arrived at a big house. “we’re here! i’m so excited for you to meet jeff, mitch, sara, claire, and everyone else!” she squealed. she beat you into paying for the fare and then dragged you again to the main, where she knocked and cursed at jeff for not opening the door immediately in french.

“fuck’s sake, helene! hold on!” a man called from the inside. “that’s jeff, he’s the oldest in this house but doesn’t seem like it,” she snickered. you were about to reply to helene when a friendly-looking man opened the door. he was scowling at helene, a facial expression she only chuckled at. “hello, jeff! this is y/n, y/n, this is jeff,” she introduced. “hi, it’s nice to meet you,” you told jeff. “same here,” he brushed off. “come in, enter,” he said cooly. you frowned, helene said that they were nice people but jeff seems so intimidating. “give the poor girl a break, jeffrey!” helene said. she guided you to the living room and made you sit on the the couch. “so, i take you’re helene’s replacement while she’s away?” he asked.

“uh—yeah,” you replied, picking on the loose thread of your white shirt. he chuckled at your nervousness. “you dress like harry,”
“sorry?” you asked. helene laughed, noticing how similar you dressed with the star. “she does! i just noticed that!” your friend exclaimed.

“anyways, i’ll be fetching some papers and documents you have to sign. harry’s a big star after all, we can’t trust everyone,” he said before going to god-knows-where. “i’m sorry! he’s not really like that. it’s just that many people before you came here with me as an intern or something but they always end up leaking photos, putting harry in trouble and all that,” helene apologised. “oh, i totally understand. it’s no problem,” you reassured. you were fumbling on your shirt, once more, when jeff arrived. “here,” he put the folder on the coffee table. “read the document over and sign it if you agree, of course…it’s just about harry’s privacy and all that,” he said. “call me when you’re don, i’ll just make us a drink,” he left the room again and probably into the kitchen. you read over the document a few times before signing on the required pages. it was basically concerned with harry’s privacy and how you couldn’t sell harry’s photographs to the tabloids. helene was there with you to explain the whole contract and how the ropes would work.

“she’s done, jeff!” she called. jeff emerged from the kitchen with a tray of iced coffee and some fruits. he laid the tray down on the table gently and took the folder from your grasp. you watched as he made sure that you signed all of the pages on the papers and smiled. “welcome to the team!” he suddenly beamed.

“thanks,” you smiled at him.

“i’m sorry for being rude earlier. it’s just that some photographers and ‘newbies’ take this job for granted. so, anyway,” he coughed. “help yourself to some coffee and tell me about yourself,”

“well, uh—i’m y/n y/l/n. 21 years old and i’m currently taking up business ad. i really love photography but my parents aren’t really set on supporting me have it as my profession in the future. i, uh, also take photographs of artists in free shows but i mostly do film, if that’s okay? harry’s photos will be developed after four hours if we’re here in l.a. but probably more than that if we’re not here, which i’m assuming won’t happen? i have a friend from one of my electives who knows how to develop film,” you told him.

“it’s worth the wait, jeff! do you have some photos, y/n?” helene interjected. you nodded and took out your iPad.

“uh, you can just swipe through the images of the scenes and people i took,” you told him, opening the photos app and into your digital portfolio. you handed jeff the ipad and waited anxiously. “wow, these are good. helene actually showed me your instagram already and i’m impressed. now, we will give you some money for the films and the development process when you start working, which is tomorrow—“

“ah, it’s okay.  the salary is enough to cover for everything,” you reassured. “no, no. i insist. helene also had the same budget. besides, you’re doing us a favour for agreeing to this job instantly,” he said. you nodded shyly. “anyways, you could stay here in the house or something since helene will leave the day after but that’s your choice, completely.” he said. “i’ll just stay in my apartment,” you told him. he nodded and looked at the time. “well, dinner’s about to start. i suggest you attend so you could meet everyone,” he smiled. you nodded, not really wanting to piss your new boss. “i’m sure everyone’s excited to meet the baby of the team,” he chuckled.

“ah! i’m so excited for you to meet claire and sara. you’re gonna love them!” helene squealed. “wait here, okay? i’ll just change into my pyjamas,” she said. you nodded and watched her leave the living room, leaving you alone with jeff.

“so, where did you grow up?” he asked. “i actually grew up here in california and then moved here in l.a. for my studies,” you informed him.

“that’s great,” he nodded. “let’s just wait for everyone else to come,” he said. you nodded and spent the following minutes chatting with helene and jeff. he may have been intimidating at first but he was a pretty chill guy. you liked his humour and immediately clicked once helene told him about the time some bands were lowballing you with a shoutout, to which jeff told you you should be charging more for your shots. it was nearing eight when two girls barged in the door, bringing some takeout.

“sara, claire!” jeff greeted. “this is y/n, the newest baby of our team,” he said. you waved at them shyly.

“she dresses like harry,” sara observed. “that’s what i thought so too!” jeff chuckled. he took the paper bags from the girls. “i’ll just fix this up in the kitchen while your girls chat,” he said while going back to the kitchen. “jeff is such a dad to all of us,” sara said once she sat in front of you with claire. “yeah, it’s nice knowing that there’s parental love going around here or it would be such a mess! mitch is the slobbiest person ever while sara here, hates his mess!” claire said. “so, how did you know helene was about to leave?” she asked. she wasn’t asking in an intruding way, she was just curious.

“well, helene and i are ‘internet friends’,” you told them. “i’m a photographer and i mostly use film. it was her who told me to come fill-in for her while she was away,”

“wait, youre 35mmdiary?” sara asked. you nodded. “she’s been raving about your work and harry seemed to like it too! i follow you on social media!”

“me too! i love your work! so, so good,” claire added.

“thanks, guys! that really means a lot to me,” you said. you took a mental note to follow them back once you go back home.

“where are the guys, anyway?” helene asked. “we couldn’t start dinner without them,”

“mitch told me he was with harry, buying some chinese food. they’re on their way back, though.” sara said.

“oh well, let’s just wait for them to come back,” helene said. you girls nodded and chatted for a bit until eighteen minutes later, the door opened, revealing the harry styles himself and mitch.

“i told you, haz! you should’ve bought soup dumplings instead of the fried ones,” a guy with long hair complained.

“but there might be holes in the dumplings and all the soup would fall out. fried dumplings are the safe option, honestly,”

“guys—“

“sarah, tell harry that soup dumplings are better that fried o—“ he stopped, just realising that there was another person in the house. “hello, who are you?” he asked, utterly confused.

“i’m the photographer filling in for helene while she’s away,” you spoke. “ah, well in that case, hello! my name is mitch,” he said. when he noticed that harry wasn’t speaking soon, he spoke again. “this is harry and that over there is adam,”
“oh yeah, i know. hi, harry,” you shyly waved at him. you also waved a greeting to adam to which he returned. harry gave you a tight-lipped smile. you always imagined this moment to be somewhat chill but right now, your cheeks were absolutely burning because of how beautiful he was. pictures didn’t do him justice, no offense to helene but it was the reality. “i’m y/n,” you added.

“hi, y/n. i’m harry but mitch already beat me to it,” he muttered. mitch only laughed and told him to go to jeff so he could set up the table.

“she kinda dresses like you, no?” mitch commented once he thought they were out of earshot.

it was less than ten minutes when jeff called you girls to go to the dining room. you were sat beside helene and in front of harry, who seemed to look everywhere but you.

“well, this was supposed to be a simple dinner but it isn’t. let’s welcome y/n into the family and bid farewell to helene,” jeff started. “everyone say ‘welcome to the family, y/n’!” there was a chorus of welcomes around the table and you only managed to mutter a shy ‘thank you’ to everyone.

“so, how did you know helene?” mitch asked. “oh we met through the internet,” you replied. “she messaged me about my work and then i looked at her profile a bit and decided that i loved he work too,”

“we’ve known each other for months but only met today, actually.” helene said. “huh, i would’ve thought that you knew each other for years but then again, helene has always been the noisy one,” adam commented.

“you’re just as noisy as i am! i cant believe this is how you treat me on my last day until i come back,” helene faked sobbed.

“let’s jusy eat dinner, yeah? poor y/n must’ve been so tired and hungry from all the talk you’ve been drilling into her,” adam said. everyone nodded and took their food. you shyly opened your chinese take-out box.

“y/n, i’m sorry if this is rude but i haven’t seen any of your work before,” mitch suddenly said.

“i’m not really a big photographer,” you started. “honestly, i just go to free shows and then offer my services for a cheaper price,”

“you should definitely see her work, babe. so, so, good! she does film and that’s like, super hard,” sarah added. babe? “y/n, show him your ipad so they’ll believe me!”

“alright...” you nodded and fished for your ipad, opening the album that contained your beat shots so far. you handed it to mitch. you stared at him for any reactions and was glad to see him focus on your pictures, zooming in on some of them.

“these aren’t filters? damn, you’re good. yo, look at this, adam! isn’t this the band you’ve been listening to on soundcloud?” mitch asked, showing adam your photograph of the vocalist of peach pit. adam looks over and gapes.

“y/n, this is so good! what’s your username on insta? i’ll give you a follow!”

“it’s 35mmdiary! i’ve been showing you gus her work for months now,” helene grumbled.

the dinner started and ended like that, with friendly banter from what seems to be a loving environment. jeff was definitely the father of the group. you liked everyone but harry. he hasn’t talked to you all night, just stealing some glances at your direction. helene booked you an uber and told you to text her once you’re home. you nodded and bid her good bye before riding into the car.

———

“harry, what do you think of y/n?” jeff asked once you left.

“pretty cool girl, yeah?” he commented.

“you barely looked at her! she’s quite lovely,” claire added.

“probably because he finds her cute or something,” mitch teased. “always does that! playing hard to get but really, what is there to get?”

“shut up, mitch,” he blushed. it was true. harry did sort of find tou attractive. you were so kind to everyone, taking their compliments gracefully. you got along so well with the other members and he wanted to talk to you but adam and helene hogged the conversation. perhaps he should talk to you alone, sometime?

“okay so, christmas is coming soon and once again, we will be needing to have our secret santa!” sarah said, changing the subject as harry looked like a poor fish gaping.

“should we include y/n?” adam asked.

“of course! she’s a part of our family now, even if it’s temporarily,” helene said.

“yeah and we should take you out instead...” harry teased.

“hey! that’s not nice,”

“well, she’ll be coming in tomorrow and basically everyday to accompany harry on photoshoots and to get some shots as well. we could talk to her about it tomorrow,” jeff informed. everybody nodded at that.

“gotta go back to my room, m’tired from today,” harry yawned. everybody said good night as he left tahe living room.

———

unknown to them, harry was actually looking theough your instagram. he decided to follow you once he reached his assigned room. everybody was right, you are good. he was so excited to have you as a part of the team.

harrystyles: Nice meeting you today, y/n. x

35mmdiary: hi hi!! it was nice meeting you today too :-)

harrystyles: Your works are lovely. I’m so excited to see more of your work.

35mmdiary: thanks ! i hope you like what you see so far. thanks for hiring me by the way

harrystyles: It’s quite alright! I loved what Helene showed me. I tried to get into film photography but it never worked out. So hard to figure out the settings. :(

35mmdiary: i actually started with dispposable cameras! they really helped me know what i like! i could teach you some of the stuff i know if you like. im not a pro or anything but i think there’s a few things i could teach you?

harrystyles: That sounds great! When are we doing it?

harrystyles: Can we do it tomorrow? I’m free tomorrow.

harrystyles: Only if it’s okay with you. :)

35mmdiary: yes of course ! i could meet you in the house tomorrow morning ?

harrystyles: No, it’s okay. I’ll just have someone pick you up just send me your address. I’m not a serial killer, I promise.

you gave harry your address and your number, just in case he needed it. that night, you looked for your spare disposable films while harry told jeff that you would be accompanying him tomorrow. jeff only teased harry but allowed it anyway.

———

“good morning!” you chirped as you entered the black range rover. harry smiled at you. the driver at the driver’s seat nodded at you.

“good morning, love. i got you breakfast, if it’s okay. if you don’t like it i could eat it and we could go somewhere else for breakfast,” harry rambled, offering you a brown bag. you looked into it and saw a ham and cheese croissant—your favourite sandwich.

“this will do just fine. this is my favourite sandwich,” you said as you dug into the bag to get your sandwich. “would you like some? we could share if you like,” you offered. harry shook his head no, telling you that he already ate the same sadnwich as you did.

“by the way,” you started as you swallowed the pastry. “i got some disposable cameras that you could use in my bag,”

“you shouldn’t have...” harry pouted. “i basically hogged your whole day and now you’re giving me stuff too?”

“it’s okay. i wanted to. as long as we end just in time for me and helene to say goodbye to each other,” you smiled.

“lunch is on me then! i know this place near santa monica that served the best chicken wings!” he declared. you chuckled at his etermination to get even with you. “what are we doing today, by the way?”

“well, i was thinking we could go on a classic photowalk. it’s basically just us walking and taking photos of the things we like,” you told him. “i was thinking we could take photos downtown...” you trailed off, not realizing that the paparazzi might see harry. “or somewhere else you like so we could avoid the paparazzi,”

“we’ll go downtown then!” he said, not really caring about tomorrow’s tabloids. harry liked your presence. for some reason, it made him feel at ease. he didn’t care if you’d be labelled as harry’s girlfriend tomorrow. he just wanted to have a nice afternoon walking around and taking photos that he like.

“well, for me, it’s the perfect place. if you’re into portraits, you could photograph people! if you’re into sceneries, you could do that too,” you gushed as you finished the last of your croissant. “i like sceneries and candids a lot. taking portraits is something that i’m not really good at,”

“at least you know something! i’m such a beginner,” he admitted. “drop us off here, please, thank you.” harry told the driver. the driver nodded and stopped the car. harry immediately went out, dragging tou by the hand to hide from onlookers. it’s not like he didn’t want to meet fans, he did. it was just that he’d rather be unnoticed when dealing with private matters, such as spending time with a girl whom he finds cute to gain some brownie points. he led you to an empty alley.

“you alright?” he asked. you nodded and fished out for the cameras in your bag.

“harry? here are the cameras. there are 36 shots per camera and because i brought you theee, you could do more than a hunderd. just give them back to me after you use it so i could have my friend develop them,” you breathed.

“thank you so much, y/n! you didn’t have to because i also have my own camera. just don’t know how to adjust it,” he frowned, looking down at the expensive camera hanging on his chest.

“i could take a look at it, if you like,” you offered. harry beamed at you and nodded rapidly. that day, you spent the afternoon taking photos of people living their daily lives. it was such a great day, walking downtown with cameras at hand. the day consisted of you and him talking about the most embarrassing stories you could think of when you were younger. he told you about the many times he fell onstage during his concerts, to which you laughed at, saying that you tripped on a wire once when you were photographing a gig for a local band. onlookers wouldn’t think that you were strangers at all but you didn’t mind.

that night, at the beverly hills mansion, you and the team huddled together to pick names for the small exchange gift. you left the house with a smile on your face a few hours after, really loving the group.

“alright, who picked y/n?” harry asked as soon as he walked back in from waiting outside until you left.

“why?” mitch asked. “well--” “he obviously likes her, dumbass,” adam said.

“you just met twice why would you like her immediately?” mitch asked again, clearly missing out on something. “she’s really a nice girl. besides, what’s wrong with finding her cute?” harry asked, clearly giddy about the day he spent with you. “she’s so cute especially when i told her earlier that she looked good in what she was wearing! then, she gave me these disposable cameras,” he added, showing off the cameras hanging on his wrist. “i really wanna get her something for christmas but i think it’s a little straightforward to just give her one, no?”

“what would you do for you to get her name?” sarah asked. “i’ll pay you a hundred dollars and treat you and a friend to a nice dinner,”

“i got her,” jeff said, giving the paper to harry and harry giving another piece with a different name on it. he gave jeff 300 dollars for the dinner and the monetary gift and said thank you. he smiled with his dimples showing and retired to bed.

“he’s whipped,” mitch mouthed to sarah. sarah only nodded, really finding it cute how harry found y/n cute.

-------

you’ve been photographing harry and his band for so many days now, rarely even having the time to clean your apartment, which was fine. it was always clean, only feeling like it wasn’t because harry was at your place, going over the photographs that he would be posting on his social media. you told him that you could come by the house in beverly hills but he told you to just stay at home so it would be safer. you didn’t protest but you did stress clean for a little bit.

“i really like this photo,” he pointed at your laptop. “i think mum would really like this, yeah?”

you nodded. it wasn’t your best shot but so far, it looked like it was harry’s favourite image of himself. you were done for the night and you were tired but you didn’t want harry to leave yet. you were enjoying his company and it seems as though he was feeling the same when he decided to open a new conversation.

“so, who did you pick for secret santa?” he asked as you opened your spotify christmas playlist and played it softly on the bluetooth speaker on the coffee table. “i can’t tell you that! it would ruin the whole thing,” you replied. you were perched on your couch, facing harry.

“why not? it’s not like you got me, unless you did…” he teased.

“maybe, maybe not,” you shrugged. harry pouted but started to hum to the christmas music anyway before sipping on his hot cocoa. “you know what i would love from you?”

“what?” he asked. he’s been tearing his hair for a perfect gift for you but nothing really came up. he wanted to get you a film camera but that would be too basic. “a christmas record from you! your voice is so good,” you gushed. “it would sound so great and i’m sure you’d sing christmas classics like the one paul mccartney sang,” you mused, clearly unaware of what was going through harry’s head. he finally found a perfect gift for you. “if you ever release a christmas album, hit me up immediately! i’d stream and buy the hell out of it. i’ll even wear your christmas merch,”

--------

“everyone shut up! i’m gonna record something in my room, don’t bother me,” harry breathed as soon as he arrived in the rented home. everyone’s eyebrows shot forward. they were huddled in the living room, playing uno. “okay, i’m sorry just don’t make too much noise!” he apologised. he ran to his assigned room after that, locking his door and taking out his guitar. clueless as to where he would start off, he decided to text helene.

harry styles: Helene! 

Helene.: Harry !

harry styles: Do you know y/n’s favourite Christmas songs?

Helene: Not really but she’d be into classics dont you think?? Why ??

harry styles: I kinda got her for secret Santa and I don’t know what to give.

harry styles: Do you really think she’d be into the classics? Helene: Yes now stop talking to me i have to attend the dinner rehearsals why do you have to rehearse for dinner?

that night, harry set up his personal microphone, a device that he could just slip into his laptop’s usb, and sang at least three songs that he would sing with gemma whenever he was home for the holidays.

-------

it was after harry’s successful live show at the forum. you were busy capturing every moment of the tour with your camera. gina, your best friend was in the crowd too. it was your early christmas gift for her, along with a personalised video from harry like you promised. she squealed and hug you for being the ‘best best friend ever’. you laughed and received her hugs with joy. you were supposed to have a small staff-only after show party but decided not to come. you were tired and all you wanted was sleep. you told jeff about it and he nodded, hugging you and asking you if it was okay if you left alone. you nodded and wished him a good party. that night, you went home to your apartment, looking over the new photos that your friend e-mailed you so you could show them to harry the next time you see him. you took note of the pictures you liked alot.

“where’s y/n?” harry asked as soon as he greeted everyone. “oh, she left! said she felt tired and just wanted to sleep,” jeff shouted over the loud music and the loud people. the party became bigger as staff invited friends and family to come over. harry didn’t mind, he liked crowds. harry nodded at jeff, a little disappointed because he was hoping to get to you. he would be leaving for london next week for another live show and he was sure that you wouldn’t be able to come. the live show at the forum was supposed to be the big ending for the celebration of harry’s album in america. if he wouldn’t be able to see you now, he wouldn’t see you at all, probably.

--------

it was nearing 1 am when your doorbell rang. being a light sleeper, you woke up from your slumber in the couch. you must’ve fallen to sleep while finalising images you wanted to show harry next day. you fixed the coffee table a little bit then begrudgingly walking to the door, only to reveal the man who’s been keeping you busy.

“hi, y/n. may i come in?” harry asked. you nodded and opened the door wider, the cold from your air conditioning unit greeting harry.

“what are you doing here?” you asked as you and your guest settled on your couch. “well, i was at the party and i noticed you were gone so, i decided to come by. i’m sorry if it was so sudden it’s just that, i picked you for secret santa and i wanted to give you my gift before i leave for london next week,” he rambled. he the handed you a pretty christmas box.

“thank you, harry. what about your party?” you asked. “it’s fine, they’re fine. i just wanted to be here with you more.” he smiled. “go on, open it!”

you opened the box that revealed a red sweater.

“you said you wanted christmas merch, right? that you would wear it?” he asked. you nodded and unfolded the sweater to reveal a ‘harry’ sweatshirt in red. it was the one that gina wanted for so long but in the colour pink. harry’s name was embroidered on the soft red sweater in white, and his motto ‘treat people with kindness’ was embroidered on one of the sleeves in red.

“i picked out the colours and i hope you like it! it’s not from the same manufacturer but i figured you would like it,” he said. you looked deeper into the box to find a cd and a flashdrive. the cd cover was you and harry, a selfie he took using his phone when you were out having a photowalk. “you said you wanted a christmas record and here it is,” he said. you were smiling widely and thanking harry for the thoughtful gifts he got you. “i, uh, you have to listen to the songs and text me if you liked them, alright? text me as soon as you finish it.i have to go back to the party and entertain but i’d really love to hear your thoughts on the record, okay?” he asked, standing up from his seat and kissing your forehead. you nodded and watched him go outside your door, too overwhelmed with his thoughtful gift. you inserted the flashdrive in your laptop’s usb and clicked on track 1.

track 1 was harry’s rendition for paul mccartney’s wonderful christmas time--your favourite christmas song. you casually mentioned it to him once but didn’t think that he would remember. there were 8 tracks in the flashdrive, harry’s voice and guitar playing filling your apartment. you were wearing the sweater he gave you, feeling giddy at the gifts he gave you. you just finished track 7 and waited for track 8 to play when harry’s talking voice was heard from the speakers.

“hi, y/n,” he started. “well, i hope you like my gifts for you. the truth is, jeff was actually the one who picked you and i picked claire but i bribed him so i could give you this gift. truth be told, i like you. like, i’m crushing on you and if you feel the same way, i’m waiting in the parking lot. i just wanted to say this and was wondering if you wanted to go out on a date before i go back to london for the show and the holidays. wow this feels like a goddamn movie and i sort of like it. i hope you really love my gifts. i’m waiting outs--” you stopped the audio and immediately ran to the door, opening it. it revealed harry who was sitting beside the door, waiting anxiously. once he heard you go out, he stood up and smiled at you.

“silly boy! of course i’d go out on a date with you,” you said as you hugged him. he was chuckling, thanking the heavens for giving hime a wonderful christmas.

“what about when i’m in london? how would we talk then?” he asked. “we’ll make it work, yeah? see how it plays out,” you said. you felt him put his chin on the top of your head after kissing it.

it was the perfect ending to a perfect night and as the christmas lights surround you with your wreath hung on your door, you both wished for this christmas miracle to last.

-----

im soff

taglist:

@giitterysuits / @floral-suits @bree082 @dezzym17 @bouncebackbyers @lolapuffs@belleamoree @demolition-lovers-blog

[bucksbisexual]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA OKAY LAST ONE OF MY OPINION POSTS HERE GOES EP12:

[breathes in]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i’m so fucking happy with this ending

it’s such a good happy ending this is truly what the gays deserve i’m just happiness in physical form rn

i don’t even know where to start but i’ll try to make this as chronological as my brain allows me because my memory do be sucking

i’m gonna put a keep reading because this shit will get loooooong kjshfkf okay let’s do this

so.. we start with PETE EXPOSING NON(T)’S BRAT ASS!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YES THATS MY BABY THATS MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!

kao’s mom being a fucking badass and telling her BOSS how to do shit. i love her yall I LOVE HERRRRRRRR

also kao’s mom telling kao that she wasn’t the most amazing person ever was so cute because you can see kao’s light bulb turning on sjfkhsgsh please i love them

yes i will say i love x after every single one of these u can’t stop me

from the teaser i thought kao would dashi run run run to pete’s house but thankfully he took a taxi lmao

at least he didn’t run there because he had to run from pete’s house (or may i say, mansion) to the POOL my man is a whole athlete oh my god

KAO YELLING HE LOVES PETE!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF A CLOSED SPACE WITH PEOPLE IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK IF THEY HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT BABYYYYYYYY

also a beautiful parallel to the scene from ep1 (i noticed there’s a lot of parallels in this episode we stan character development and repeating things just so the viewers can see how consistent the couples are)

the kiss from that scene............... beautiful amazing gorgeous idk many words in english to describe how i felt while watching and how i feel about it

to that i think we cut to sunmork but i don’t remember what happened because of the kiss KJHFKSL SORRY

anygays i rlly like how this whole episode is sun being a clingy bih and mork gay panicking while trying to act like a confident gay when he knows that sun outconfidentgays him i love them lmao

okay after that i think it’s petekao having food with their parents all together and god i looooooove this scene

pete’s dad being the lgbt ally dad all of us lgbt fellas with homo/transphobic dads wish we had will never fail to make me soft i love that man pls be my dad too

also kao’s mom :-(( i love her she respected her son’s decision on not coming out until he was ready even though she already smelled it (reminds me of my mom lmao) and was always there for him even when kao didn’t say anything :-(((((((((((

petekao bickering will never get old i swear i love every time they do because that’s so..... men it makes their characters more real

i know there’s a lot (not that much because i admit this episode was kinda short?? idk maybe it’s just me) between that scene and this one but THE SQUAD EATING ALL TOGETHER AGAIN!!!!!!!! AND THEM TEASING PETEKAO!!!!!! PLEASE I LOVE THEM

pete literally not knowing how to stop the audio and broadcasting live TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY that time when he told kao he loved him through the teddy bear...... peak pete culture

the fact that ppl love them and they have a whole hashtag on twitter makes me soft because usually when someone is famous in bls the fans hate the other part of the couple but in this one??? oh no honey we stan petekao in this household hate is not allowed it’s actually prohibited illegal

okay let me backtrack a bit skjfhsjf

OH YES I FORGOT!!!! manow wanting to talk with mork was so weird when i saw the teaser for the episode but after seeing them talk i was like oooooh okay i understand

sun saying “what’s your girl saying to my boy” is probably one of my favourite lines of this drama KLHSJFLF

rain reading their lips fskjfjsf and when mork said “fuck you rain” HIS FACE SKJFHKSJSLFJ HE WAS SCARED SHITLESS but also the end of this scene was so cute i love these three

i just did a bit of skipping through the episode to try and actual make an order out of this mess and the petekao+parents thing comes now,,,,,, anygaYS

then it’s more teasing between sunmork blah blah

then MORK SPEAKING THE MF TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! quoting the actual dialogue “it’s my choice to tell or not tell anyone. i should get to decide”

OUTING SOMEONE ISN’T COOL!!!!!!! IT’S NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!! NO LGBT PERSON WILL EVER WANT TO BE OUTED!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON’T DO THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rain had good intentions but it doesn’t mean that it was right of him to do so

okay this got serious,, sun going to rain’s bed with not one but Two pillows when barely two people fit in that bed.... oh to be that iconic and carelessly gay

back to petekao because we will never get enough of these two (which is why i’ll probably watch the our skyy episode tomorrow just to cry over these fools)

it’s so weird to see tay being like this after watching him being himself in other things like the live lunch and taynew meal date and other things i’ve randomly watched during this week to retain myself from finishing this series in a night ksfjhsfkshlks

also kao helping pete shave and pete being like do u like my moustache or should i shave it for u my lord SFHKFJ the domesticity and just the feeling of two idiots being in love i love them with my whole heart

kao staying at pete’s house because it’s both of their first days as interns and kao!!!!! he works for pete’s dad!!!!!!! pete’s dad accepted him into his company!!!!!! i love them

also the bickering between those three sjfkhs “hello im pete im from thailand” “that’s all you’ll say today” THAT WAS SO FUNNNY SKJFHSKFHSFJSFL

THE MESSAGE IN THE TEDDY BEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KAO CALLING PETE LOVE PLEASE IM GONNA CRYYYYYYYYYYYY I LOVE THESE FOOLS

okay so the squad eating together is right after this but i already talked about it ksjfhsfh next!!

idk if it’s a big time skip or a small one but guess what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MANOW AND RAIN ARE DATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY STRAIGHT BABIES YES I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU AAAAAAAAAAAAA

manow is so pretty and rain is so cute they’re both so lucky my bisexual ass is crying

pete being “angry” at kao being so handsome,,, a mood

but also.. pete being possessive was h*t

there i said it and i don’t regret it

random but i will miss kao’s annoying ass saying “about aboyz” sjfkhsfh

pete being like “i will have to give u more love bites (ffs gmmtv just say hickies we are all at an age where we know what love bites are) so no one flirts with u” and kao being like “bitch try me” sjfhksfj i’m loving bratty kao

also that scene turned into furry kao real quick KJHDKJFSHJF

okay now it’s: mork’s birthday party time!!

rain and manow arrive first and are the cutest couple around because the two main gays haven’t arrived yet (being gay AND punctual? not possible)

sun and rain fighting in the kitchen was peak siblings culture skfhksjf

mork being ready to leave his own birthday party with a stranger who also plays pokemon go just to have a battle................ dumbass bisexual energy

said stranger is eARN FROM 2GETHER!!!!!! FILM IS IN THIS TOO!!!!!!!! first the girl who plays yuri in yyy and now film who plays earn in 2gether is here too??? damn wlw keep winning (also headcanon: theyre dating/seeing each other because LESBIANS periodt)

okay petekao arrive and wont u guess whats their present for mork,,,,,, the mf TEDDY BEAR and kao rlly says that they should use it since theyre so lip sealed lmao

rain and manow literally gave mork a present not for him but for sun im- i love these two

MORK FINALLY SAID YES TO BEING BOYFRIENDS OH MY GOD DUDE U ACTUALLY HAD ME WORRIED THERE FOR A SEC

also sun being a whole koala and being a horny bitch is so funny sfhskfjskl my man has his priorities set

their last scene is so cute :-(( poor rain will have to live with this until he moves out sjfhksjf

oh boi the ending is near hhhhhhh

kao teaching his class an equation that ends up in i < 3 u is the most kao thing i’ve ever seen

also kAO IS BOOKED AND BUSY BABYYYYYYYYYY GET THOSE COINS HONEY

pete being like “u haven’t spent enough time with me lately >:-(” was cute jhkfjs my man is needy of kao and i understand that because have u seen kao? exactly

kao teasing him with not having forgotten the cup this time and pete being his possessive self was.. splendid

every reference to something that happened with non(t) hurts but also i love how they just tease each other because they know that now their relationship is stronger than it’s ever been and that nothing and no one will come between them

the scenes they show during the last last scenes :-((( BOYFIES!!!!!!

and i love how they decided to end the show with them holding hands in public

i would explain why i do but it’s 6:26 am and i’ve been writing this for at least half an hour already and my laptop is heating up a lot and im sweating because it’s hot in here so get down on the floor pipiipipipipipipi

kdjhkdfhs sorry im not sleepy this is just my brain without a filter it’s just gay shit and a big repertoire of songs

god okay that was my opinion on the last episode of dark blue kiss...........

needless to say that i will eat every bit of content related to petekao after this because writing this i already miss them and i can’t wait to watch our skyy tomorrow idk where but i will

i really really REALLY liked this drama and it’s one of the two bl dramas (not counting the untamed) i’ve given a full 10/10 rating on mdl because it’s THAT good

everything about this drama is just.. chef’s kiss i love it i will probably rewatch it when my plan to watch is empty but it’s a pretty long list so.. hopefully i’ll ignore that and just rewatch sjkfhslf

i’ll of course watch kiss and kiss me again just for the petekao, the squad and rain scrumbs because i’m sure that the petekao compilations don’t show everything

but yeah im just.. i love this show it’s been a rlly long time since i started writing this but i’m still happy because it’s so good and truly gave us a good happy ending and i swear i cannot emphasise enough how important good happy endings in lgbt media are!!!!!!!!!!

anygays im hungry and ready to submerge myself in the dbk tags, see u all tomorrow for my our skyy petekao episode version of this,,,,,

till then, stay safe ! bYE

[jujywrites]

WIP Challenge

I got tagged by @kikithedeceiver to do this!

Challenge: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous.

Here’s the thing. I don’t have many separate WIP files; most of them are in one huge doc. and most of the separate wip files are... pretty dead? but ok whatevs. under a read more since it’s long...... and my ego won’t let me skip snippets hjkhkhk thanks for the idea Kiki

From my main miscellaneous folder:

50 Grades of Steele. 1 and a half chaps of a role-flipped 50 Shades of Grey rewrite (i haven’t read the books so I extra don’t care about the characters lol). why do i still have it i’ve lost interest.... *side eyes her entire wip ecosystem* ...Then I see my interview subject, seated at her desk.

"Mr. Grey. I'm pleased to meet you."

And I stop breathing. [end CH1]

[open CH2) I forgot to mention something: I exaggerate occasionally. But I'm not now. I literally stop breathing for a few seconds. A thousand thoughts are racing through my mind, which doesn't help my chest stop seizing, but the main problem here is that Anastasia Steele is quite possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Fanfic idea masterlist. my most active file and where I keep most of my WIPS, unless they get too “large”. Organized by fandom. lotta stuff i keep passing by & may as well be dead but don’t wanna delete. here’s a zero-draft snippet of probably the next chapter of my G-rated yukyoru fic collection

He grabbed a pillow and placed it to his chest, grabbed her arm, and yanked her to him, praying his idea would work.

Seconds passed and he didn't transform. He put his arms around her gingerly. Should he try to immobilize her or would that make it worse?

She made the decision for him. "Mom," she sobbed, clutching him with an iron grip. "N-Need to help...!"

His stomach dropped to his shoes.

Thudding footsteps announced Yuki's arrival. "What's wrong?! Honda-san--"

He didn't say "What did you do?" The thought raced by and Kyo said, "Grab a pillow and help me!"

As Yuki positioned the pillow and himself without having to ask, Kyo said, "She won't wake up. I don't know what to do!"

"Night terror," Yuki said tightly. He was too close but it almost didn't matter. "Not much you can do besides wait."

MayxWard BDSM fic agents of SHIELD. mix of notes and actual writing. kind of a half AU. Melinda climbed into the driver's side and buckled in, then started up the car. "If you've not ridden on the left before you might have motion sickness. It's normal. Just close your eyes until—" She paused as she looked at him; his hands shook so much he couldn't manage the seatbelt. "Here, let me."

"Thanks," he muttered with a sigh, looking rueful.

Modern AU Zelink. What it says on the tin~ Teenage-ish Zelink, with a mash of supporting characters from other games. another mix of notes and fic. Link wasn't sleeping tonight. Tonight was the night he'd been planning for and awaiting for weeks. He was going on a quest: the quest to meet Princess Zelda. 

She wasn't really a princess, of course. That was just her nickname. Zelda Nohansen was Hyrule's sweetheart, the most sought-after young actress in the movie business. And Link had fallen in love with her the first time he'd seen her, two years ago in a tiny theater in Kakariko.

PMMMfic homumado. Madoka Magica. AU, been around since about an hour after I finished the series (5 years yikes, still gotta watch Rebellion). Homura's time power still somewhat involved, but Mami's an adult, everyone's at a boarding school (I think?) where ~things aren't as they first seem~ and Madoka has mysterious powers and night terrors. just notes at the moment.

SoubixHitomi.  Loveless. 3 unfinished/dead first-person Shinonome-senseixSoubi snippets, all of ‘em spicy.

yvy abo. Yuri On Ice. Yuri (Katsuki!!)/Victor/Yuko(!!?!), my attempt at. well. omegaverse(!!!!!!!). orignally started as part of a “bad YOI fic” bigbang and now I’m taking it seriously dgdgfg. Alpha Yuko. “Please, please stop,” she whispered, like saying it aloud would make any difference. But the pressure in her head kept building. Her limbs had begun to itch restlessly.

And Victor wouldn’t let go of her hand.

With the last scrap of her control, she straddled him quickly and kissed him awake.

Even in half-sleep he arched to meet her, and when he opened his eyes sapphire blue had already turned stormy with lust.

yvy canonfuturefic. Yuko-focused following of canon, or: how canon can I keep YOI while still rareship OT3ing it. She and Yuri fall in and out of love, in between falling for Victor. Victuri is still my life I swear   

“You have got to watch this,” she tells Yuri. She watches Yuri’s face instead of the video, having seen it at least forty times by now.

Yuri’s eyes transform into beacons of awe, and Yuko swallows around her rapid heartbeat, breaths coming too short. She sees everything she’s feeling and more on his face. She remembers that she loves him, that he’s real and here and more important than the beautiful boy on her phone who’s trying to pull her under to a scary new world.

ZnT ot3 bdsm AU. Zankyou no Terror, 9/12/Lisa. mix of notes and fic, not just PWP. in heavy need of editing bc a lot was inspired by a non-spicy book.

“But it’s not just me. It’s everyone. You need everyone because you have no idea how to need yourself. Or even how to be yourself.”

“You’re wrong.” The force and volume of her voice shocked her and pushed her onward. “You and Touji. I don’t need anyone except you and Touji! Because you both taught me how to be myself-- no, how to find that on my own. I know exactly who I am, and that me isn’t complete without both of you!” She could feel the tears streaming down her face, yet somehow her voice didn’t waver. She felt so full of conviction she could burst into flames. “Don’t you understand, Arata? We’re all meant to be together.”

From my SnK folder:

Cave of the Crystal Maiden (working title). Aruani. Modern AU. MMORPG shenanigans with a dollop of magical realism/supernatural. Just notes. @portraitofa-girl suggested “meeting online” and it’s been there literally for years oh lord im sorry. no fic yet, just notes.

Falling Anthem (working title) Modern AU Levihan, art student Hange and young professor Levi. just notes. fic one in a planned series. also has been years ;_;

Raindrops and Soft Steps. Jearmin. unsurprisingly, modern AU. One morning, when Jean looks out of his bedroom window, he sees a boy dancing across the street. In the street, to be exact. There wouldn't be anything unusual about that, Jean supposes, except it's raining cats and dogs outside.

In my IAMXfic folder (fff i almost skipped this):

2ndPOVCalberto (DO NOT CORRUPT WITH HET) ChrisxAlberto? not much to say?? yes i know they’re real people??? which applies to everything after this oh my god *crawls under desk* Of course she knows; she is annoyingly perceptive when it comes to romance. The only thing preventing you from asking her (like a fucking lovestruck teenager) if Alberto likes you back is emptying that beer bottle. By then the only thing on your mind is ordering another.

CalbertImmi. i can’t even keep my poly shit outta RPF ahaha omhg Imogen has a conversation with her lover's lover. (AlbertImmi, sequel to...) Imogen finds herself in an unenviable position. (emerging CalbertImmi)

Alternate summaries (CC POV, first fic?): Chris loves two people. He doesn't want to choose. Chris has fallen in love a few times in his life. But he's never fallen for two people at once. (Chris also isn't good at choosing.)

ChrisxJ. several self-insert fics bc CC is just that powerful, apparently. haven’t looked at the file in a long time,,,,,

He started calling people to the stage with him, and one by one, my row emptied.

"Come on, yeah, come on," he was saying, waving his hand in an inviting gesture and grinning like a little kid. "Hey, you want to?" I did a double take.

"Me?" I mouthed, pointing at myself just to be sure. He nodded, smiling wider.

So it was that I walked unsteadily down the ramp and waited in line, feeling like I didn’t belong there. Soon I was next in line. What would I say? What would I do? I was sure if I opened my mouth I’d either burst into tears or faint.

Genderswapped IAMX sci-fi. The sci-fi was inspired by a word prompt, genderswapping by my own brain. (play spot the Immi lmao) Across the aisle, Sam rolled his eyes. “Leave Chris alone; she’s nervous.”

“And put on your own seatbelt, Johann,” shouted Jess, two seats back and in Sam’s aisle.

Patrick turned  to look at Chris. “Subspace travel is a bitch,” he said simply, and turned back to his book.

“Oh, I feel much less nervous now,” Chris said with a sardonic grin. “How do you know that, anyway?”

"I'm not exactly what I seem to be." He didn’t look up.

Chriimmi (While I Was Gone inspired). Chris/Imogen, inspired by scenes from Sue Miller’s While I Was Gone.

"You really ought not to do that, you know," he said softly.

"Do what?"

"Sneak up on me."

My eyes slid from his face. "I didn't mean to. It just... happened."

"Mm." I glanced back at him; he wore a lopsided smile. "Not that I minded." The tension was so strong the air nearly vibrated with it, yet I held my tongue, terrified that I was the only one feeling it. He took a breath, deep, nearly rising on his toes. "No. I didn't mind at all." He took my hand, circled his thumb over the back. My breath caught as I felt it, as I watched him looking down at our hands.

Chriimmi bathtub dream. dream inspired Chris/Immi smut.

Chriimmi twitter. twitfic plus some, inspired from an actual tweet iamx made that i’m still not over. 

@ imogenheap Come sing your lovely lyrics with us in London. @ IAMX misses you. CCx

ChrisxImmi main. grab bag of Chriimmi I was too lazy to put into separate docs.

“What do you think?” She grinned, twirling.

He cleared his throat. “Ah, I-Imogen, what are you wearing?”

“Well, I didn’t want to clash with your theme…  Janine helped me. Does it work?”

Scandalously short skirt, midriff-baring top, knee-high boots.

“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you? You’re trying to fucking kill me.”

Her grin only widened, even though a blush had started.

Fic edit chriimmi ver. yeah. editing someone else’s original fic to be chrimmi. either never posting or editing the frick out of. ~_~

He kissed her neck, whispered into it, “I love you.”

Imogen laughed. “Bollocks,” she said lazily.

”I do!” Chris protested. She looked down at him, nestled on her shoulder. He looked back, open, a little adoring. “I fell in love with you halfway through the show; I sang every note just for you.”

”Oh, please. You couldn’t have seen me.”

”No,” he said. “But I knew you were out there… I knew it had been you the minute I saw you backstage.”

Hospital Chriimmi. In which my guilty feeling over RPF are even worse bc of the inspiration ^_^U “Ms. Heap. What a pleasant surprise.” It’s surprising, how well she remembers his voice.

“Mr. Corner, what have you got yourself into?”

“Oh, just a bit of lingering insomnia. You know how it is.”

She takes a seat in the chair near his bed, crossing her legs. “Well, I’ve certainly had a sleepless night here and there, but I’ve never ended up in hospital from it. So no, I don’t suppose I do know.” Her tone is light, but her smile has begun to crack.

ImmixChris genderbend smut. the my secret friend video is... fertile material. have not actually written the smut yet.

...he saw us as characters– we put on those clothes and become separate from ourselves, removed. Whereas I simply felt like myself in men’s clothes, and instead of feeling what He felt for Her, I just kept right on feeling what I felt for Chris, amplified to a distracting level.

ReluctantdommeImmixSubCC. ...shrug emoji? notes and uh. visualizing.

Vampire Chriimmi. based on a dream. smutty. inspired by True Blood so wow that’s old.

From my Markipairings folder:

demon dream. markiplier self insert...... ughhhhhhhh o///o

"You can have me," I tell the creature. "But this one," I jerk my head toward Mark, "comes with me. He's mine, you see." A bold proclamation to make, but in the moment I know that the truth in those words surpasses everything I've ever said. He is mine, and saying the thought out loud fills me with courage. He squeezes my hand, two short and a long one so strong I think he might break it.

I know we’ll win.

DommeJujY. same as above, same as the next four. smutty.

Fight team AU. i forget where i got this one from. vaguely inspired by loveless i guess.  The first clear thought I had was, He shouldn't have gone ahead of me. The second one was, I should have been able to protect him. But these came later, after the rage went away, after I hugged him and apologized, after I bandaged him…

Gaming meetcute. i win some contest or whatever to secretly tagteam w/ Mark. stuff happens and yeah......

The adrenaline surges through my veins as I take in the scene. Mark's avatar is flailing around, backed into a corner by some Eldritch Abomination and holy shit, the graphics in this game are amazing.

"This is not good, I can't move, I can't move…"

There's a voice in the back of my head screaming to shut the game down, to get that horrible thing off the screen. I ignore it.

Markinpanties. .......smut.

shifter-slight sci-fi AU. shrug emoji.

I looked up from the ground and saw I was heading straight for a brick wall. There was no time to slow down. I braced for impact...

It didn't happen. I opened my eyes and found myself in a café.

What.

Looking behind me, I saw a door. On impulse I walked over and opened it; the tree-lined street I could see through the glass was indeed there. No brick wall to smack my face into. Bewildered, I turned around and looked for a seat, choosing one near a window.

Gouldiplier~. master doc of ficbits of my cracky mccrackship, MarkiplierxEllie Goulding.

I check my phone during break time again. My selfie has been liked and retweeted thousands of times, and I shake my head in disbelief; I don't think that will ever stop surprising me, deep down. To make things even better, Mark's liked it! I'm in the middle of a happy jig when I realize there's a text from him and a squeak of joy slips from me.

hellooo gorgeous

looks like you're having fun. Hope the shoot's going great! <3

I quickly send a reply. it has been. Be glad when it's done tho. Missin u lots xo

Markipicbunnies. fanart of Mark for Gouldiplier insipration. photographer au. 

"Ms. Goulding, I'm really not sure about this…"

"I produce pictures that are intimate because I'm an intimate being, Mark." Ellie looked at him directly, a hint of a smile shaping her lips. "Deep down, I think you are too. We just need to draw you out a bit."

showersexgouldiplier. WELP. IT’S SMUT.

Also I have folders for my 2010/11 nanowrimo novel that are kinda still WIPs but also kinda not

i’m gonna tag.... @kippielovesyou @kiridork and @mistergrass and anyone else who wants to do this can too :3

[sunriseskog]

I Have Questions- Auston Matthews

Request: Can you do an Auston Matthews imagine based on the song I Have Questions by Camila Cabello? i enjoyed this prompt way too much

Warnings: Maximum Angst, Cursing

Word Count: 4038 im so sorry

Notes: this is so long im so sorry omg. Song prompts are by far my favorite and we all know that angst is My Shit but as always PLEASE let me know what you think & i hope you like it :)

You hated Toronto. You hated the smell and the noise and the buildings and the people and the weather and how crowded it was but most of all you hated how fucking alone being here made you feel. Approaching Auston’s first season in the NHL, you had convinced yourself that that would be the end of your relationship, you had broken your own heart day in and day out but you weren’t going to end it a single moment before you had to. No matter how much it hurt or how much it tore you apart, you would be there for him until it was no longer an option to do so. Your heart broke all over again when he asked you to go with him. The reassurance that Auston reciprocated enough confidence in your relationship to bring you with him to join him in one of the biggest moments in his life eased any nerves you had about leaving everything you knew.

Your relationship was one of the best things to ever happen to the both of you. Despite your fairly introverted personality, Auston was the one person in the world that you could spend literally all of your time with without it emotionally draining you. The two of you could laze around day in and day out and neither of you would ever get bored or sick of each other. You were exactly what he needed, and he was the same to you. You were a constant and comforting presence in the violent and unpredictable world of hockey. You had spent the entirety of your time in Toronto reflecting on the way your relationship used to be. Flashes of swimming pool fights and scorching road trips across the desert, lying naked in bed with the windows thrown open despite the heat, quickies in his car during lunch period and before practice. Your love was warm and rebellious and hot and the two of you shined so brightly together anyone looking in from the outside could have been blinded. Your love was Arizona.

God, did you miss Arizona. You missed home and your friends and any sense of familiarity whatsoever but most of all you missed the way that you and Auston loved in Arizona. It was like the moment the two of you settled in Toronto, the fire from back home faded. Toronto was cold and rainy and dark and lonely and that was all you had felt for the past year. Auston was always gone and it wasn’t like your job left a lot of room for workplace friendships. All you did, ever, was go to work and then go home. For the first few months you would go out and try to explore Toronto but you quickly realized that the city fucked up any navigational sense you had and exploring a new place was only fun if you didn’t spend the entire time lost, terrified, and alone. Whenever Auston was home he either brought the guys with him or went to bed moments after walking in the door. There was no point for you to be there. You genuinely felt like it wouldn’t make any difference in Auston’s life if you were there or not. For the entire week that you had returned to Arizona for your brothers birthday, Auston hadn’t called you once. He played his best games that week and the most you had seen him smile was in the various snaps he had started posting the night that you left.

You had watched him fall out of love with you. You had watched him fallen out of love with Arizona and in love with Toronto and there wasn’t a doubt in your mind that he had fallen in love with something else too. There was a reason he turned off his Snapchat location whenever he had ‘spontaneous Saturday practices’. Especially when you had seen the other guys posting about how good it was to finally have a day off. You weren’t sure which part broke your heart more, the fact that e was pulling away from you or the fact that he was growing closer to someone else. He had promised, before you left, he had promised that nothing would change. And now you were standing in the middle of what your lives had become and as you looked around at your relationship, you realized that you had been in this relationship alone since the moment you moved.

It was your anniversary. It was your anniversary and you had been in a relationship with Auston for 6 years and you had been in love with him for twice that and Auston was spending your anniversary at a training camp in Montreal. An optional training camp. And while you couldn’t say you were surprised, that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt like hell. You had finished all of the work you had to do over the weekend so now you were sitting on the couch, scrolling mindlessly through your phone, trying not to focus on the fact that you were alone, again, on your anniversary. You had just switched from Twitter to Instagram for what had to be the tenth time in the past hour. honestly, you hate being on your phone. It was exhausting and mind-numbing and all it did was make you feel more alone but you needed some sort of intellectual stimulus or you thought you would die. It was then that you noticed that Marty had posted on his private Instagram for the first time in a while. You turned your sound up as you watched him record himself spinning around what appeared to be the balcony of a restaurant. You caught sight of Mitch and Steph and- and Auston. Auston was there, in Toronto, at lunch with his teammates and every. single. other. WAG. On your anniversary, without you, after he fucking told you that he just had to go to this fucking training camp. At this point you weren’t sure there even was a training camp, in retrospect it seemed pretty unlikely.

You had always had a knack for catching people in lies, it probably stemmed from how many fibs you told as a kid, but this was the first time you had ever thought about using this particular skillset on Auston. He had never done anything to make you suspicious of his loyalty, at least… not until now. You took a deep breath and sat up on the couch, hunching over your phone as you set your plan into action. First, you swiped up from the bottom of your phone and pressed the button to begin a screen recording. Once you had recorded the video, you went into your camera roll and slowly scrolled through every frame of the video, taking careful note of each player that was shown on screen. It was then that you noticed something you had missed in the few seconds that Auston had flashed on the screen when the video was at full speed. Despite the fact that Marty’s face was blocking out the bottom righthand corner of the screen, you could still see it, clear as day. Auston obviously wasn’t aware that Marty was recording, and you were pretty positive he was even less away that Marty had actually ended up posting the video. Auston was sitting in an armchair on the deck, and you felt your heart flutter at the smile that had overtaken his features, finally reaching his eyes for the first time in months. The flutter dissipated quickly as your face contorted into one of disgust as more of his body came into frame and you saw just what was causing him to smile like that. He was talking to a girl- no, a woman, leaning in closely to whisper in her ear, which you soon discovered was wholly unnecessary as it was revealed that she was sitting on his fucking lap. Your vision was blurring as your eyes filled to the brim with tears, but somehow you couldn’t make yourself look away. You duplicated the video, trimming it down until it was just the frames containing the two of them. You dropped your phone down to the cushion in front of you, forcing yourself to stare at it as it played on repeat over and over and over again. By the fourth or fifth time you had watched him press a kiss to the temple of her forehead the shock started to melt away and you could no longer muffle the sobs that were ripping their way through your throat from your diaphragm. You fell back to lay o the couch in an attempt to get yourself to stop crying, but it seemed like every time you tried to close your eyes all you could see was the fucking video. You hadn’t seen much, but it was more than enough for you to know. That was her. That was the girl he had fallen in love with. That was his Toronto love, the calm and seasoned and lasting love. The two of you had burned too bright for one for you to not end up burned, but he appeared to have made it out entirely unscathed, while you sat in the remnants of your intertwined lives, sobbing and fucking alone. You felt naive and immature and gullible but most of all you just felt used. You had very very literally given up everything for Auston. Not even for Auston, you had given up everything for Auston’s career. You figured the literal least he could do in return was honor the most basic term of agreement in your relationship. But apparently you knew this new Auston even less than you thought, because the boy that had cried when another boy asked you to dance at your sophomore homecoming dance had another girl sitting in his lap on your fucking anniversary and all you could do was sit and wait for when he decided you were good enough to come home to.

Something happens inside of a person when their heart breaks. You weren’t entirely sure how to describe it, but you and Auston had grown up so much together for so long that who the two of you were had become intertwined with each other. You had felt him pulling away for the past year but now it was like he had been ripped out of you completely. Everything just went…numb. You couldn’t even feel how heartbroken you were because he had taken your heart with you. Your mom had told you once that the most dangerous thing a woman could be was numb.  You hadn’t understood what she meant until this very moment. Because you stopped being hurt and you stopped being angry and you stopped being sad, you were just done. He was gone, and there was nothing you could do about it, but that didn’t mean that you weren’t gonna make it as hard on him as possible. You sat back up quickly, wiping your tears and picking your phone up from where it had fallen between the cushions. You paused the video and cited out of the app, all it did was annoy you at this point, you couldn’t even be mad, no matter how hard you thought you couldn’t be anything, you physically could not make yourself care about anything, let alone this. You opened your messages and felt a wave of pettiness wash over you as you removed Auston’s nickname from his contact.

The first thing you did was send him the cropped version of the video, making sure not to accidentally expose Marty while ensuring that Auston knew exactly what you had seen. You captioned the text with a simple ‘Going back to Arizona. My stuff will be gone by the time training camp is over. Hope you had fun.’ It wasn’t your best by far, but it got the job done and you were so unbelievably unwilling to invest any more energy in Auston than you had to. You had poured and poured and poured everything you had into him for so long that now you were finally empty. There was nothing left to give. You sent your brother the same video, with nothing more than an eye roll emoji and a screenshot of how long it would take you to drive back to Arizona. Any other time you absolutely would have flown, but you had a lot of shit to take with you and you didn’t want to have to wait for an available flight, plus the long drive would do you a lot of good. You knew from experience that if you really pushed it you could make the drive in just under 2 days, but it wasn’t like you had any responsibilities or anywhere to be, so you decided to stretch it out for a little over a week. It had taken you almost 6 hours to pack up all of your things and get them situated in your car and almost 20 minutes into shoving your life into films cardboard boxes you had gotten from the recycling outside of your apartment you had shut off your phone. You shot your family group chat a short text to fill them in on what was happening and inform them that you wouldn’t be responding for a while before powering down your phone and leaving it in the kitchen. After combing through the entire apartment for the third time to ensure that there truly was no trace that you had ever been there, you threw your dead phone into your purse before locking the door and slipping your key underneath it. You let your fingers rest on the lettering of the door, trying to reminisce about the good memories you had of the place before realizing that there were none. You flew down the stairs before getting into your car and turning on the loudest and most pissed off breakup playlist Spotify could find.

It had taken you less than 2 hours to cross over the border into the states and it was then that you pulled off on the nearest exit in search of the Verizon store that your phone old you wasn’t too far from the interstate. You had kept your ringer off and do not disturb on the entire drive and you wrote all of the important numbers on the back of a receipt you found in your center console before entering the store. The woman behind the desk had given you a confused list when you told her to just snap your old SIM card and give you a new one, but complied nonetheless. You had ripped it out of your phone before you could accidentally catch a glimpse of anything anyone had sent you. You upgraded to the newest version of your phone and sent another quick text to your family to make them aware of your new number before you rekeyed the directions and took off, pushing 90 on the highways and 100 on the interstates. You got off every couple hours either to grab food or refuel and you had fallen into such a routine that you didn’t notice how long you had been on the road for. You weren’t tired at all but logically you knew that you would have to stop soon. You decided to veer a little less than an hour off course to spend the night in Chicago, while it wasn’t exactly worlds away from Toronto, something about the fact that you were at least back in your home country made you feel exponentially more comfortable despite the fact that you were surrounded by skyscrapers. You were just getting settled in the hotel room you had rented out for the night when you felt your phone buzz. The sensation was a little foreign, especially given that only 3 people had your new number and they knew you weren’t really in the mood to interact with anyone when you got like this. Upon realizing that it was your brother that had texted you, you grew even more confused. You typed in your new password and your heart dropped as you read what he had sent you, you immediately clicked on his contact and waited for him to pick up the phone.

“What the fuck do you mean he has my number? How the fuck is that even possible, Jackson?” You demanded angrily once you heard the line connect.

“Mom gave it to Ema because Ema was worried about you but she forgot that they’re all on the same iTunes account or whatever,” he tried to explain.

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?” You asked, utterly lost as to the correlation between the two facts before you quickly realized what Jackson was trying to hint at. “Oh, fuck,” you cursed, throwing the bottle of water that had been sitting next to you into the wall out of frustration.

“You know what, its fine,” you breathed out, determined to calm yourself and not let this ruin the little bit of peace you had come to find. “I’ll just block his number before he can say anything and then it won't even be a problem,” you reasoned, quickly placing your brother on speaker before adding the number you had memorized years ago to your contacts, only to immediately go into your seconds and add him to your ‘Blocked Caller’ list.

“I think that definitely one of the wisest decisions you’ve made about Auston in years, (Y/N),” he joked with obvious relief in your voice upon hearing that you were going to be okay.

Three days later you had decided to stop in Colorado for the night. You had taken your sweet time proceeding home and had ended up spending two nights in Chicago before actually continuing on the road. You couldn’t put into words how good it felt to have this time alone to get to know yourself and who you were without Auston. You had spent the past year absolutely terrified of being alone but upon further reflection, and with the help of some inspirational wackjob on a local AM radio somewhere in the middle of Illinois, you came to the conclusion that you were the only person you were going to spend your entire life with, so you have to learn how to be your own best friend. And honestly, now that you didn’t feel like you were missing half of yourself every time you were alone, you had found a level of contentment in your solitude. You found yourself smiling more with every stranger you got to interact with and the weight that had been on your chest for the past 11 months seemed to disappear completely. This time, your phone rang with a phone call from your brother instead of a text. You picked up immediately with a wide grin.

“Hi, bubba! Whats up?” You laughed, hesitating at the lack of response you received.

“You cant come home, (Y/N),” he said seriously.

“Wh-what?” You questioned, “What are you talking about?”

“He flew back home, he thought you would already be here and he came by the house this morning banging on the door and he wouldn't leave until Dad let him tear apart the whole house looking for you. I told him we didn’t know where you were but he’s only gonna believe that for so long. He said he’d come back every day until you forgave him,” Jackson told you, his voice wavering. “Listen, (Y/N), I get where you’re coming from and I support you wholeheartedly but… he’s been part of our lives just as much as he’s been a part of your and to see him cry like that…” Jackson trailed off. “I don’t know what you’re going to decide to do but somebody gotta put him out of his misery.”

You sighed, knowing he was right. “Alright,” you said. “I’m not forgiving him, and I'm not taking him back,” you asserted forcefully. “But… I can be home by tomorrow morning. I’ll talk to him and I’ll make sure he leaves you guys alone. I’m sorry you have to deal with this,” you finished softly, knowing that Auston had been like an older brother to Jackson for a majority of both of their lives.

“Thank you… I love you,” Jackson finished, telling you to drive safely before you heard the line disconnect. You packed your stuff back up, not bothering to inform the hotel of your departure, it wasn’t like it was anywhere close to expensive anyways.

Somehow, Auston was already sitting on your front porch when you pulled into the driveway. The realization that Jackson hadn’t told him you would be coming that morning hit you and you concluded that Auston was genuinely serious about tormenting your family every day until you returned. He hadn’t seemed to notice your arrival so you jumped out of your car and slammed the door harshly.

“What kind of manipulative, toxic, borderline abusive bullshit is this, Auston? Who the fuck are you to bring my family into your fuck up? None of us have EVER done anything but give you absolutely everything we had and now you’re going to turn around and try to weaponize our love for you against us just because you cant keep it in your pants?” You demanded angrily, stalking up towards him until you were staring him directly in the face.

“(Y-Y/N),” he stuttered, standing up slowly, clearly unsure of how to proceed. “I just- I just came because I wanted to apologize…” He trailed off, looking down at the floor guiltily.

“That's a goddamn lie and you know it, Matthews,” he flinched a the disgust you inflicted into his last name. “You came so that you could guilt me and my fucking FAMILY into putting up with your self-indulgent bullshit but I genuinely cannot put into words how fucking over it I am. Get the fuck out of my way,” you punctuated your words by jabbing your finger into his chest, feeling a sense of victory every time he stumbled backward.

“Listen, (Y/N), the least you can do is let m-“ You looked at him with something far past the point of disbelief.

“I have spent my entire life doing the absolute most for you, regardless of what it cost me, and you have the fucking audacity to try and tell me what the least /i/ could do is? The least YOU could do was not FUCKING CHEAT ON ME, AUSTON,” you shoved him out of your way this time, not caring that he had fallen to the ground.

“Wait,” he started again pushing himself up off of the lawn to grab your wrist. You whirled around, feeling anger overtake each and every feature of your face.

“Fine, Auston, you know what? You wanna talk so bad? Okay, I’ll talk. How the fuck could you leave me there? How the fuck could you sit there and watch me fade away, completely disregarding and invalidating absolute everything that I try to confide in you? How the fuck could you listen to me cry about how homesick I was and lonely I felt and how much I hated Toronto and not do a damn thing about it? I gave up everything for you, and I was willing to take you not being there for me. I was willing to accept that I would spend the rest of my life feeling depressed, and alone, and abandoned as long as it meant that I got to have you in it. But most of all, how the fuck could you sit there and look me in the fucking eyes and tell me that you were IN LOVE WITH ME and then turn around and tell her the exact. same. thing. I truly don’t understand how you can look at yourself, because I sure as hell can’t,” you finished, proceeding inside and slamming the door behind you, pointedly make sure to not look at the boy you had left behind. He had turned his back on you long ago, and it was time for you to do the same.

Notes: thank you so much if you actually read this far ohmygod! i’m still not sure how i feel about this fic so please feel free to tell me what you think! thank you :)))

[mikeshanlon]

he’s all that: chapter two

fandom: it

pairing: reddie (richie tozier/eddie kaspbrak)

word count: 5k

one | on ao3

summary:

Richie smiled smugly, “You’ve got spunk Kaspbrak. I like that.”

“Why don’t you try shutting the fuck up Tozier,” Eddie retorted as the line moved forward, “So what is this, if not some ploy to get me to tutor you? Some sort of dork outreach program? Because I’m not interested.”

—

Or: The one where Richie Tozier has six weeks to get into a relationship and make someone fall for him. Only problem? That someone is the anxiety ridden, goody two shoes Eddie Kaspbrak, and he can’t even stand to be in the same room as Richie.

warnings: there is drug use in that bev/mike/richie are HUGE stoners. also this chapter there is mentions to maggie being an alcoholic. 

a/n: hey! decided to post two weeks in a row just to get the ball rolling (which is why i still dont have all the chapters figured out as promised, my apologies). i'll probably start the every other week thing for next update (so chapter three should be up by march 4th). i would try to do every week but im a college student who has Stuff to do and also makes gifs and im horrible at finishing my writing so, giving myself a realistic deadline that will still hopefully produce quality work. anyways, richie and eddie finally interact this chapter! it's.......................  a bit messy though. and we get to see the rest of the losers club in this one too. 

tag list:  @richietoaster, @wintersember, @howellhxlic, @ed-txzier, @clara-farl3y

After standing in the hallway arguing with Bev for ten minutes, (“I mean really Bevs, fuck!” “You said anyone.” “How do we even know he’s gay?!” “Richie, please.”) Richie resigned himself to the fact that he was going to find some way to charm Eddie. Maybe Beverly would let him borrow that spellbook she bought junior year when she had become obsessed with witchcraft and hexing the patriarchy.

Once school was finally over, Richie dropped off Mike at his farm per usual, ranting about the bet the whole ride over. The farm boy nodded along, but he knew the words ‘told you so’ sat on the tip of his tongue.  

They pulled up to his house, the engine idling so he wouldn’t have to spend time getting it to start again, “Don’t wait up for me tonight if you wanna smoke. Got lotsa research in store,” Richie said as Mike grabbed his backpack and got out of the car.

Mike raised a brow, leaning into the passenger window (which in its broken state always stayed down), “I’m surprised Rich. You never do your homework.”

“Homework shmomwork,” he tapped the end of his cigarette out the window before taking another drag, “Gotta figure out what little ol’ Edward likes. Time for some deep dark internet exploration.”

“Ah, you’re gonna stalk him. Wasting time on social media does sound much more in character,” Mike smiled.

“It’s not a waste Mikey darlin’, a shit ton of preemo dank is on the line.”

The other boy laughed and shook his head, “Godspeed Tozier.”

Richie saluted Mike as he reversed out back to the main road, Bigmouth Strikes Again blasting on the old car radio.

He weaved through the streets filled with kids walking home or trying to find something to do in this shit-hole town. Long afternoons spent at The Aladdin watching the newest releases or aggressively slamming his fingers down on his favorite game at the arcade came to mind; along with going out of his way to bother just about everyone in his path. Richie never really had many friends when he was younger, spending most of his time alone. He was grateful he crossed paths with Bev and Mike, to fate, luck, God if it existed. The universe was rarely kind to him, but finding them was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Plus, the first time he had smoked weed, but that was with them too.

Turning onto his street, Richie pulled up to the unsuspecting two-story white house. It was straight out of a handbook on the American Dream; but the closer one looked, the imperfections started to appear.

The box overflowing with bottles once filled with alcohol next to the recycling bin, which was already too full with more empty bottles. A crooked ‘Home Sweet Home’ sign by the front door. Dying grass, overgrown and conquered with the little weeds Richie used to make wishes on before blowing the seeds into the summer air (I wish for friends. I wish for better parents. I wish to be loved).

He parked the station wagon on the curb, saving the space next to his Mom’s car for his father.

Maggie’s car hadn’t been driven in months (years?), and Richie absently wondered if it would even work anymore. It was nice, a decent heater and it drove well, at least it did when she had bothered to drop him off at school as a kid. Despite her general lack of care for the wellbeing of others, Mrs. Tozier did not drink and drive. Meaning, she didn’t drive at all, as she was drunk off her ass most of the time.

Richie grabbed his books from the backseat and clambered out, fumbling to find his house key among the mess of weird keychains he bought while high.

He didn’t bother stating his presence, even as a pretense, giving up the habit long ago.

Maggie Tozier sat outside, her back facing the screen door in the kitchen. A cigarette rested from her fingertips, and Richie wasn’t sure if she was actually smoking it or just watching it burn. Of course, her other hand gripped a bottle of beer, and a wine cooler sat at her feet.

Richie scoffed and bounded up the stairs to his room, a ‘KEEP OUT’ sign and band posters adorning the door.

It was often said that one’s room reflected who they were as a person, and Richie was no exception. That is, to say, his room was an absolute fucking mess. His bed was never made, and clothes and knick knacks littered the floor (he had already tripped over some beat up sneakers as he walked in). Old mugs, comics, a lava lamp, lotion, and an ashtray Bev had made him in ceramics sat on his bedside table (read: an old wooden apple carton). The only thing that he kept clear was his record player and vinyls at the edge of the bed, which were meticulously organized.

He tossed his notebooks on his desk, alongside stolen pens, his laptop, and his bong. If his parents actually fucking talked to him he would bother to hide his shit, but it didn’t really matter.

Picking up his laptop and its charger, Richie was on his way out again. He could stay home to conduct his research, but he hated the stuffiness and how lifeless the house felt. It wasn’t really even a home, at least not his. Plus, coffee. It was a necessity, especially for the amount of bullshit he’d have to go through just for the tiny brat.

Richie drove to the Starbucks on Main and Belmont, strolling up to barista and ordering his usual: venti quadruple-shot, black. While he often gorged himself on sweets, his need for caffeine could only be sated by the purest form the coffeeshop could offer.

Per usual, the barista gave him a look, “You sure?”

“Listen, I’ve already made a shit ton of horrible decisions today. Trust me, this is not the worst of them,” Richie answered, sliding the cash across the counter

She raised her brows but said nothing else, handing him the change.

He set up shop at a table by the window in the back, away enough from the other patrons. Most of the time Richie threw caution to the wind, but he figured it would suspicious if someone saw him furiously stalking someone who looked like they hadn’t even graduated from middle school.

After retrieving his coffee, opening his MacBook, and plugging his headphones in, Richie scoured Instagram first. ‘Eddie.k’ didn’t post much, mostly some artsy photos, including ones of Bill and Stanley Uris (their other best friend). There were only one or two selfies, much to Richie’s disappointment. Eddie wasn’t actually too bad looking if you ignored his clothes, his hair, his… everything. Freckles dusted his face, concentrated around his little nose, a few on his lips. Cute lips. Cute cheeks. He had the urge to pinch them. But Jesus, that combover. What was he, a balding man in the 80’s?

Other than those pictures, Eddie hadn’t really posted to Instagram in months. He moved onto  his tagged photos. They had some more substance, although Eddie had pretty much only been tagged in pictures by Bill and Stan. It wasn’t like Richie wasn’t in the same boat of having only a few close friends, but at least he hung out with other people.

For the most part, the pictures were pretty normal, the three of them hanging out. Richie couldn’t help but snort at a picture of the three, presumably after a sleepover. They looked exhausted, hair messy, and were brushing their teeth. Pretty mundane, but Eddie had pulled a ridiculous face in the mirror. It was silly, but Richie hadn’t even thought Eddie was capable of making jokes or doing weird shit. The fucker was always uptight, serious even when they had a substitute. Unsurprisingly, Eddie did not appreciate the post.

eddie.k: literally stan delete this!!!!!!

stantheman: @eddie.k, sorry sweatie (:

Richie grinned and continued to scroll, stopping at a picture of Eddie lying down on the grass, laughing. He wore a red tracksuit, the one students wore to P.E. when the bitter chill of autumn came to Derry. His hair must’ve been a little sweaty, because it was curling up into a messy halo around his grinning face. Richie wanted to know this Eddie, see him curl up laughing, but he knew that would never happen.

He perused their profiles for a while before growing bored, downing a third of his coffee before moving on. Except Eddie didn’t seem to have a Twitter, or a Snapchat. A quick google search of his name only came up with a few images and… a Facebook profile?

Richie prayed that it was an old one Eddie had never deleted, but after the page loaded he saw that the most recent status was made last night.

“Oh my fucking god,” he whispered to himself.

Eddie’s profile picture made him look particularly child-like, a weird picture of him pointing to the camera like he was cool, even though the same hand had a clunky old watch wrapped around it. His header picture displayed the quote ‘there is bravery in being soft’.

Richie snorted, “Yeah, a soft fucking dick!”

Another patron scoffed at his fowl mouth, and he shot her a smug grin.

Eddie only had 40 friends on the site, which consisted of Bill, Stan, some of the other nerds at Derry High, and his mother and her friends. It wasn’t like someone’s Facebook friends actually mattered, especially because only middle aged mothers who posted minion memes about their alcoholism used it anymore, but it was still kinda pitiful.

His posts were generally uninteresting, stuff like ‘super nervous for the math test’, or ‘soooooooooooo bored ://///’. Otherwise, he mostly just shared pictures of cute dogs and DIY videos.

It was hard to find any useful information on Eddie, since he obviously lied a lot. Not in the way of bragging, or saying that he did things he didn’t (like Richie did). But there were comments from Mrs. Kaspbrak’s friends calling him a lady killer, or a few posts calling Carly Rae Jepsen cute (please, Run Away With Me is the one of gayest songs of all time). Eddie was closeted, and Richie knew from experience that someone could never really be themselves around others if they weren’t out.

What his profile lacked in useable information, it more than made up with blackmail material.

Take, for instance, little Eddie in possibly the gayest fucking hat imaginable.

He screeched as he saw the picture of the eleven year old, a white fedora-bucket hat hybrid sitting atop his tiny head, before breaking out into a full on wheeze. Richie was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe, and then he thought about Eddie using his inhaler in that gay ass hat and laughed even harder.

The other customers began to stare, some concerned, and others pissed off at the disturbance.

Once he had collected himself somewhat, Richie sent a screenshot to the group chat.

the losers

bev: oh my fucking G O D

richie: I CANT FUCKIN BREATHE ELRNKKLNERG

richie: LIKE F U C K !!! KLJKLGRJKLLEJK

richie: LOOK AT HIS GAY HAT

richie: LIKE, IT’S GAYER THAN WEARING NOTHING BUT A PRIDE FLAG AND GLITTER

richie: HE LOOKS LIKE A TWINKY SKIPPER

richie: HOW IS THAT HAT MORE GAY THAN EVERY SINGLE ONE RYAN EVANS WORE IN THE ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL FRANCHISE COMBINED

bev: i’m muting you

mike: me too

mike: also that hat isn’t that bad

“‘Not that bad?!’” Richie squawked, not that he’d be able to hear him.

(Really, Richie had no authority on the subject. He still donned the occasional Hawaiian shirt over his tees).

He refreshed Eddie’s profile, seeing that he had made a new status.

Eddie Kaspbrak: big night friday, nervous but excited !!!!

Richie raised his brows in intrigue, seeing that Bill and a handful of other people liked the status. What was going on Friday?

He checked to see if Bill had posted anything, if Eddie was going somewhere, chances were Bill was too.

Bill Denbrough: almost the weekend, finally ready to let loose

Seriously, it would’ve been so much easier if Bill was the guy Richie had to woo. Kid was probably fucking nervous for a party, a place where you threw caution to the wind and had a good time. Still, he made a mental note about finding out what their Friday plans were.

Richie sighed, taking another swig of his coffee, “God, what a fucking loser.”

Suddenly, his headphones were being tugged out of his ear by an angry middle-aged woman with short-layered hair and eye bags.

“Hey, what the fuck?” Richie glared, snatching back his headphones.

The woman returned the look, putting her hands on her hips, “Don’t you have respect for the other customers?!”

“Sweetheart, I don’t have respect for myself, let alone some PTA moms-- like the post-divorce haircut by the way.”

Apparently, his finger guns did not soften the blow, because the lady started to scream at him.

And, apparently, this lady was also the manager, and was pushing him out the door.

So great, Eddie and his dumb gay hat got him banned from Starbucks.

Even though he was wounded from Eddie’s betrayal, (because Richie getting kicked out was definitely not his fault-- it was Eddie’s homosexual headwear. An anthropomorphic device of chaos, that Eddie owned, so, yeah, it was Kaspbrak’s fucking fault.) Richie still skipped smoking on Thursday to spend his lunch with the tiny fuck.

Obviously, they hadn’t made plans to do so, but Richie had, and he really couldn’t delay starting the bet. There was a lot on the line.

So, after getting out of econ (turning in an unstudied for but probably aced quiz), and throwing his shit in his locker, Richie detoured to the cafeteria.

The place was a fucking mess, and it reminded Richie just why he avoided the place. It was pure chaos, loud and overwhelming, a million things to get distracted by. Freshman with their stupid rolling backpacks kept whizzing by, making Richie trip or get his feet ran over. The tables were already filled, the honor roll kids, the partiers, Gretta and her gang. Fucking cliches.

He got in line, picking up a tray and proceeding to fiddle with the buttons at the cuff of his black and white flannel; trying to tune out the buzz of conversation. It was weird, at parties he thrived on the noise and disorder, but here all it was doing was fucking with his ADHD.

Richie drummed a beat onto his tray as the line moved forward and picked the most edible looking slop from the menu. The lunch lady glowered at him as he reached for his money only to realize he had put it in the other pocket, fumbling to put the bills and coins on the counter.  

As she put the money in the register, Richie looked around the room, checking to see where Eddie was sitting. He was sat near one of the exits, carefully taking out his lunch and swinging his legs. And he was alone. Perfect.

“Kid, do you want a receipt or not?” the lunch lady snapped from across from him.

Richie blinked back into focus, “Uh, sure, sorry.”

She sighed and printed out the receipt, slamming it down on the tray, “Next!”

Grabbing his tray, Richie plucked up some plastic cutlery and made his way through the sea of students to Eddie Kaspbrak. He had to twist and lift his tray a bit, but eventually the crowds started to part a bit. A chorus of whispers started to erupt. Stupid small town.

“Is that Richie Tozier?”

“I think, but doesn’t he always get high with his stoner friends?”

“What is he doing here?”

“God, he’s so hot.”

Richie smirked, sending a wink at the girl’s praise before sitting across from Eddie. He watched for a moment as the boy continued to focus on on unpacking his utensils and napkins before clearing his throat.

Eddie’s eyes snapped up from his lunchbox, widening when he saw Richie.

“What the fuck?” It was meant to be a whisper to himself, but Eddie’s voice was louder than expected.

Richie grinned at the blushing boy, “Well, hello to you to Eds.”

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie snapped, returning to his food.

Richie waited for him to say something else, at least fucking look at him, but the little fuck kept his eyes glued to his grapes, nails aggressively ripping the fruit from their stems.

“Okay,” he started, taking a sip of his apple juice, “So, you may be wondering why I’m sitting with you—“

Eddie interrupted, annoyance apparent in every fiber of his being, “Is this gonna be quick or not?”

“I’m hoping it’s not quick, although given how hot I am it’s difficult for people to control themselves.”

A long, deep sigh came from Eddie’s (cute, soft) lips. Eddie grabbed at Richie’s hands, flipping them over so that the palms faced upwards.

“Wow, a bit forward, but I’m liking your style Kaspbrak,” Richie winked.

Eddie rolled his eyes and proceed to take out hand sanitizer from his fanny pack, squirting the floral scented product into Richie’s hands.

Honestly, what the fuck?

He must’ve sent the same message to Eddie with his face, because Eddie said, “You obviously aren’t gonna leave me the fuck alone, and if you’re gonna be in my space, you need to be clean.”

Richie raised a brow at this but rubbed the hand sanitizer into his hands anyways.

Jesus Christ, what a weird, defensive little bitch.

Eddie watched with focused eyes, and only spoke when Richie was finished.

“Continue.”

It took a moment for Richie to gain his bearings once more. This mission seemed dead on arrival, but he had to keep trying anyways.

“So, Eddie…” Richie trailed off, twirling the pasta on his plate before his eyes lit up, “Eddie Spaghetti, Eduardo, what’s up?”

Eddie scowled, “That’s not my fucking name!” he squeaked, “And ‘what’s up?’ I mean, we’ve barely even talked before. You think I’m just gonna put up with this because you’re Richie Tozier? I swear to god, if this is some fucking bullying thing...”

Around them, people began to stare and eavesdrop at the sound of Eddie yelling. Fucking perfect.

Richie blinked back at the boy across from him, now red in the face for a different reason, “Calm down, I’m just trying to get to know you.”

“Fat fucking chance.”

Okay, wow. Richie had more work cut out for him than expected. He thought of what to say next as he watched Eddie finish his grapes.

“This isn’t, like, a joke,” (it wasn’t real either), “I just wanna hang out.”

“Hang out?” Eddie’s chocolate brown eyes met Richie’s, his tone mocking.

Richie nodded, “Yeah, ya know, kick it with the homies. Make out a little if you’re down. Friend stuff.”

Eddie’s jaw clenched, “You’re unbelievable. Just fucking unbe— you know, how can you even say any of that shit? How can we be ‘homies’ if we’ve never ‘hung out’ before? And don’t want to-- I’m not-- you don’t know me!”

There was something underlying in Eddie’s voice as he snapped, wavering at the end. Richie, like most things in life, was completely and utterly fucking up.

“Well then, how about we fix that?” Richie leaned forward, “I was wondering if maybe you’d wanna—“

Abruptly, Eddie stood up, grabbing his food and walked off, making his way towards the cafeteria line where Bill and Stan were paying for their lunch.

Richie looked around at all the watching faces, some snickering and others as shocked as he was.

“...Embarrass me horribly in front of all these people.”

He took a deep breath, and shoved some spaghetti in his mouth, his frown growing larger at the disgusting taste. Richie was often considered a wild card, but this was when routine was a good thing. He should’ve just avoided this and sparked up with Bev and Mike.

Actually, he was going to do just that. There was still some left in lunch, and no reason for him to stay in the cafeteria if Eddie was giving him the cold shoulder. More like a giant fucking iceberg but still, pointless. Besides, he really needed to get high now. Eddie ruined his whole mood and pissed him the fuck off.

Richie got up and tossed out the inedible garbage before going to the usual spot, finger itching for a joint.

He used his foot to push open the door, which would’ve been cool, except with his clumsiness and horrible luck he tripped forward, narrowly avoiding falling down the steps and face planting by grabbing the railing.

As Richie caught his breath and stabilized himself, he could hear his friends laughing.

“Back so soon?” Bev smirked knowingly, taking a drag.

Richie huffed, “Ha ha. Let’s yuck it up for my misfortune,” he grabbed her joint and took a long hit, “This fucking kid, Bev. I don’t think I can do this!”

“As in, you’re morally incapable of leading him on?” Mike asked hopefully.

“Please, let’s be realistic here Mikey. No, that kid is like, the fuckin devil incarnate. Shithead is fucking crazy!” Richie paced, smoking from the joint.

Bev laughed, “What makes you say that?”

“Why don’t ya ask the whole fucking school?” Richie snapped, though the anger wasn’t directed at her, “They were watching it all go down. If that wheezy asshole ruins my reputation—“

“What reputation?” Mike interjected.

Richie rolled his eyes and flipped him off.

Another voice spoke up, “I dunno, Richie’s pretty well known. I like him well enough.”

Richie whirled around, just noticing a new face among the usual group, Ben Hanscom.

The eternal new kid, since no one ever moved to ass backwards Derry, was not someone he’d expect to be behind the art building. Maybe reciting poetry or some shit, but not blazing. Ben was sweet and genuine, albeit a little shy. He was no longer the chubby kid he once was, more stocky and muscular now. They weren’t too close, as the tawny haired boy spent more time with Mike and Bev, and if not them, the other dorks (like Eddie and his friends). But either way, dude was pretty chill. Richie just didn’t really want him there mid-meltdown.

“Haystack?! You smoke?!” he whistled, “Ho-ly shit, who woulda thought!”

Ben shook his head, “Uh, no I don’t. Mike and I just had to study for history next block.”

His deep brown eyes flitted to Beverly, who had now stolen back her joint and was playing with the key that hung from her neck. Yeah, studying was the only reason. Not Ben’s excruciatingly obvious crush on the red head.

“We would’ve just gone to the library, but Bev and I made a bet about if you’d be successful or not today,” Mike said.

Richie gasped, “Betting on my failure? Fuck you guys, Benny Boy is my new best friend.”

“I didn’t sign up for that.”

“Hey, I bet on you succeeding,” Mike put his hands up in surrender, “She’s the one who thought you’d screw it up.”

“And I was right. Pay up,” Bev smiled, holding out her palm.

Mike dropped a candy bar in it with a deep sigh. She tore open the wrapping, taking a savage bite of the chocolatey sweet.

“I think you have a gambling problem,” Mike quipped.

Bev shrugged, “Not a problem if I keep winning.”

She grinned, her teeth covered in chocolate and spit. Gross. Ben still looked enraptured. Double gross.

“Anyways, can we focus on the important bet, and the fact that this fuck is impossible! Seriously, Bev, babygirl, pick anyone else!” Richie whined, plopping his bony ass on the cement.

“First off, don’t call me ‘babygirl’,” she flicked the ash off the end of the joint at him, “Second, the deal was anyone. You either woo him or you don’t.”

Richie opened his mouth to complain again but Ben beat him to it.

“I’m sorry, but what are we talking about?”

The other three looked at each other in panic. Ben was friends with Eddie, there was no way he could find out what was going on. The whole thing would be ruined before it started.

“Nothin!” Richie squeaked, “Just uh… bet that I couldn’t ace a group project. I usually just bullshit a lot of that stuff and leave it up to the others if I can. Partner’s just a little… high strung.”

Bev groaned and Mike sighed. A horrible fucking lie. Richie was already trying to formulate a better one in his head.

Ben smiled, “That’s nice, a wholesome, supportive bet. But you really should just communicate with your partner. They might be nervous because of your history is all.”

Richie let out a sound of relief before realizing Ben’s advice could actually be helpful.

“Sure, but I already tried to talk to him and it didn’t go well,” he explained.

Bev and Mike raised their brows, catching on.

“Well, how did you talk to him?” Ben asked, “Was it an ambush or a friendly conversation?

Bev snorted, “Ambush, knowing Richie. He doesn’t do friendly conversations.”

“Maybe with you, because you’re on my ass all the time,” Richie shot back, “But uh, she’s right. Shouldn’t matter though, everyone knows that’s how Tough Guy Tozier does his business.”

Mike groaned, “Please don’t call yourself that ever again.”

“You’re just coming on too strong. You have to consider what he likes, what he wants. A good partnership comes with compromise and communication,” Ben nodded sagely.

Richie ruffled his hair, putting on his trusty British voice, “Thank you Advisor Hanscom. Your wisdom is greatly appreciated.”

Ben smiled awkwardly, his eyes going to Bev once again, “Course.”

He took the joint from Bev, inhaling the musty smoke and blowing it out his nostrils, the burning sensation familiar and welcome.

“And maybe, you should talk to him sober next time,” Mike suggested.

Richie laughed, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

By the time the final bell rang, he was still feeling defeated and unsure of his next move. Sure, he’d have to dial back his trashmouth charm, try to seem actually invested in Eddie but… that wasn’t going to happen if the brat never talked to him again. Richie had to find a way to break the tension between them, start fresh.

He sulked to his locker, pulling out his shit from the looming mess. Loose binder paper and pencils fell onto the ground, and Richie just wanted to bang his head against the wall of metal. Also, go home and smoke while playing video games but, mostly, hit his head repeatedly. Maybe he’d lose enough brain cells to forget the entire day.

After a few moments of excessive cursing, Richie grabbed what he needed and got everything that fell back into the locker. He noticed a new post it on the door just before he closed it.

Don’t give up :) <3 - mike

Richie smiled, and slammed the locker shut with a resounding clang. With a little stretch and a fix of his glasses, he strolled through the halls, making his way to the parking lot to wait for Mike.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bill and Stan loitering around the halls as well, engaged in (an undoubtedly boring) conversation.

He remembered Bill and Eddie’s facebook status’ about exciting plans for tomorrow night and decided he should investigate.

“Billiam! Staniel!” Richie called as he approached them, “What’s up?”

The two stopped talking and looked up, Bill smiling while Stan rolled his eyes.

“H-hey, Richie,” Bill waved.  Richie noted that his stutter had gotten a lot better just over the past year. The two of them had shared a few classes when they were juniors and were pretty friendly with one another. At least compared to his relationship with Eddie and Stan, who also seemed to hate him for no reason.

Speaking of, the prim and proper boy was glaring at him, “Didn’t get enough of being a nuisance at lunch?”

Richie raised a brow, “Whatever do you mean?”

Stan scoffed, and opened his mouth to respond, but Bill put a hand on his shoulder, “N-nothing. Stan’s just… on edge. What’s up w-with you?”

“Not much, just trying to figure out what my plans are for tomorrow,” Richie shrugged, “Got any suggestions?”

“The only thing on your mind is where to party? Not surprised,” Stan quipped.

Richie shoved his hands in his pockets, biting his tongue. Snapping at Eddie was what caused his whole operation to go south, and he couldn’t mess up this second chance.

Bill ignored the tension between them, “Well, usually w-we don’t do t-t-too m-much, but it’s s-senior year. Probably going to Peter Gordon's party.”

“That kid’s an ass.”

“Coming from you, that’s rich,” Stan commented, his arms crossed.

His grinned, “Well, yeah, I am Rich.”

Stan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Yeah, he is, but he’s also s-super wealthy,” Bill avoided another ‘rich’ pun, “Meaning he’ll h-h-ave q-q-quality shit.”

Richie beamed, “Ah, I get it. You’re Robin Hood-ing that fuck. I like your style Billy Boy.”

He clapped Bill on the shoulder, and the other boy blushed slightly, “W-well, it wasn’t j-just my idea. Eddie and Stan helped.”

“Eddie? He’s coming with you guys?”

Bill shook his head, “N-no. He was supposed to, b-b-but that art thing came up so he h-had to cancel.”

“Art thing?” Richie asked, suddenly intrigued. This was the information he wanted.

“Yeah,” Bill nodded, “It’s this show that happens every month. At Jester Theatre. He always goes.”

Stan not so subtly elbowed Bill in the ribs, hissing at him to shut up.

“W-what?!”

“Yeah, what’s got your steamed panties in a twist Uris?” Richie smirked.

Stan sent him a scowl, “You know very well Tozier. Eddie told us all about what you did at lunch. Back the fuck off.”

“S-stan, I don’t think he meant--”

“No, Bill, he did,” Stan interrupted, “I don’t know what your game is, but if you hurt him…”

Richie put his hands up in surrender, “Hey, I’m not going to hurt him. He seems pretty strong anyways. I mean no harm.”

Stan didn’t look convinced at all. Fair enough.

The air between the two was tense, but Bill broke it by clearing his throat, “So, uh, will w-we see you at the p-p-party?”

Richie shook his head ‘no’, “Probably not. I have some more sophisticated plans lined up.”

a/n: hope you liked it! next chapter is p much all richie and eddie so get excited. if you enjoyed i would love hearing your feedback

oh and this is eddie’s gay hat if you were curious

[motherlifesucher-archives]

my everything l Shawn Mendes Imagine.

a/n: kinda short but I really needed to post something. I’ll hopefully by able to finish the first part of a Hogwarts!Shawn series soon <3. Hope you enjoy it.

OH AND THIS IS FOR THE ANON WHO REQUESTED AN IMAGINE FEATURING TOM HOLLAND! It’s not much but I hope you like it <3

prompt: Shawn & (y/n) get in a fight hours before she’s badly injured shooting her new movie. (I shamelessly included Tom Holland on this, im sorry lol)

Everybody knew you and Shawn were together.

It had taken one sneaky paparazzi to capture you holding hands while you were hanging out four months into the relationship.

Both your agent and publicist, more strictly than Shawn’s, had warned you that being seen with him was going to be bad for you, more importantly, your career, since his large fanbase was mostly teenage girls who didn’t care to think twice before going on Twitter and start speeding rumors about yourself, jeopardizing your career.

So it was safe to say your entire team was pretty bummed when the news got out; telling you off because you weren’t able to keep it a secret for at least a bit more time. Even Marvel, who you were shooting for at the time, were mad because they didn’t want one of their new recruits to have a damaged reputation.

All of this had happened almost a week ago; exactly on the same day you were visiting Shawn on the last show of the North American leg of the tour, and the two days you were supposed to spend together to relax before he had to fly to LA for the VMAs and you back to Atlanta to keep filming.

Long story short; the Boston show was a nightmare.

You were paranoid about people knowing where you were, constantly receiving texts from your agent who was monitoring paparazzi and the spots were fans could see you, which made Shawn extremely upset.

Upset because this was your first show attending as his girlfriend and you were finally going to meet his family and feel part of Shawn’s team and instead of enjoying it, you were looking extremely anxious at every person who crossed the door or even talked to you, which led to an argument as everyone was celebrating the last show of the leg.

You were on Shawn’s dressing room, trying to control yourself and your breathing when the door opened, making you jump. A sigh of relief escaped your lips when you saw Shawn, but he only chuckled.

“Oh, so you are even flinching when I get to the room?” Shawn questioned you with an eyebrow raised.

“Shawn...” you closed your eyes, trying to hold back the tears.

“Don’t. Seriously, don’t even try to deny that you have been avoiding everyone tonight.”

“I wasn’t going to deny it.”

“Good. Then can you tell me why you decided to act this way today? A very important day, if you don't mind me reminding you.” 

“You know what’s going on, Shawn. I’m sorry I’m letting it get the best of me but I can’t help it.” you said placing your head on your hands.

“Is this about your manager thing? are you serious?” he huffed.

“It’s not just my manager, Shawn. It’s my entire team, plus, if you forgot, freaking Marvel is upset that my reputation as an actress will be damaged because of this whole drama.” you responded bitterly.

“Drama? Oh, so now us being together is drama.” 

“Shawn, just give me some time! You have to admit your fans can be a bit harsh, and your career is getting more successful every day and that makes things harder; for me, for us...”

“So now my career it’s a problem?”

You closed your eyes and sighed, “You know I didn't mean it like that, I’m sorry.”

Shawn remained silent.

“Maybe you should just go. If you’re not willing to be with me because of your career then leave, I'm really not willing to be in a relationship that will be filled with fear and anger.”

“Neither am I, but just give me some time. Shawn, please.” you said on a thin voice.

“This is a big night for me, so please, just... Just leave.” he said scratching the back of his neck.

You harshly bit your lower lip, somehow thinking that would stop your tears from falling as you walked to collect your Calvin Klein leather bag. 

“Can you at least call me? I really like you, this is just hard for me” you said fixing your eyes on his.

His expression was difficult to read; he looked angry yet sad. He closed his eyes and sighed before answering:

“I know. Be safe”

And with that he exited the room, going back to the celebration he deserved.

Today was the day you were supposed to spend with Shawn after the show, but after countless texts from your part, Shawn told you he preferred to spend his time with his family.

Meaning you were stuck in your hotel room for another two days, trying to figure out whether or not you and Shawn were still a couple.

You craved to go back to the days were the two of you were just hanging out, with flirty looks and shy smiles, and then to the days were you would just make out on the couch, forgetting about the world outside.

Now, that seemed so far away yet the only thing you wanted was to rest your head on his thigh as he stroked your hair and kiss his plump lips.

Deciding to do something useful, you took the watermarked script with your name written on the center; even if you had gone through the lines over and over again, it felt like it wasn’t enough.

Almsot two hours later your phone rang, making you literally drop the script t the floor and looking for the phone, hoping it was Shawn who wanted to talk and spend the next day with you.

But instead, it was a text message that read:

‘Heard you’re in Boston?’

Even if it wasn’t the text you were waiting for, it made you smile anyway.

‘What? Are you spying on me, Holland?’

‘You wish. I’m in New York. You up for some adventure before heading to Atlanta?’

You wanted to say no, but knowing that Shawn probably still didn’t want to see you and you definitely weren’t planning on staying at the hotel for another two days, decided to call your manager, just in case, who thought the idea of you and Tom hanging out was perfect.

‘See you tomorrow, idiot’

You sighed and bit your lips, internally debating on whether or not you should feel Shawn that you were leaving Boston. As usual, your fingers were faster than your brain as you texted him, letting him know you weren’t going to stay around and that you were still waiting for him to call.

No answer arrived.

-

Working for Marvel meant them watching your every step, which was both a good and bad thing.

Bad, because of all the things named before and good, because they were amazing at solving problems and making your life easier.

Like getting you a private plane in the matter of an hour.

Your team managed to get you a room on the same hotel Tom was staying, so you made plans to meet at the gym.

Putting on your favorite sports bra and leggings, you made your way to the gym, where you saw your co-star already lifting.

“Couldn’t wait for me?” you teased him and smiled.

“Hey you,” he greeted with his British accent. “It’s so good to see you”

“Wish I could say the same” he was going to answer you but his personal trainer appeared.

“Hey (y/n), didn’t know you where here.” he waved at you, since he was the trainer Marvel appointed for Tom, which meant he was always around.

“Yeah, I guess I needed some time before going back to the set” you shrugged.

The conversation continued as both you and Tom worked out, but as you saw Tom start putting the hand wraps, an idea popped in your mind.

“Think you can beat me at boxing?” you said raising an eyebrow.

“I could do it on my sleep.” Tom answered cockily.

“Wanna discover it?” 

“You’re on.” He chuckled.

Two hours later, you were on the hotel room, checking your Instagram story, where you had posted videos of you and Tom working out, which made everyone go crazy.

Including Shawn.

´So, you left Boston to go hang out with another guy? Smooth.’

You almost threw your phone against the wall, finally deciding it was enough of the fight.

‘Sorry, would’ve let you know but you were so busy not answering my texts’

His answer didn’t take long.

‘I don’t know if I can be with someone who runs away at the first fight’

‘Good, let me know when you decide’

Shawn had been going over the fight over and over again for the past days. 

He knew how difficult it was to be in the spotlight, yet he couldn’t bring himself to understand your point of view.

He really wanted to, but he just couldn’t, making him think over and over again if the relationship was worth it.

If keeping a relationship with one person on the move was hard, keeping it with both parts involved constantly traveling was almost insane, but he didn’t want it any other way, because just by seeing your eyes everything was worth it.

and that’s when he knew he had to call you and figure things out.

It was going to be difficult, since he hadn’t returned your last text wishing him luck on the VMAs performance that had taken place two days ago, but he was hopeful.

He was ready to pick up the phone and dial your number but someone beat him to it.

it was an unknown number.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Is this Shawn Mendes?” the person asked and Shawn rolled his eyes, thinking it was a fan or a journalist who had managed to get his number.

“Yes, do I know you?”

“I’m afraid not, but my name is Kevin, I work for MCU and I was told to call you because (y/n) got in an accident while performing a scene.”

Shawn swore his heart stopped beating for a moment before he felt it on his throat.

“What?” Shawn asked in disbelief.

“She’s being transported to the nearest hospital right now. She lost consciousness for a moment, but now they’re assessing her injuries...” 

“I’m on my way, can you please text me the details?” Shawn asked frantically and Kevin agreed.

Shawn took a moment to collect his thoughts before calling Andrew, asking him to arrange him a flight to Atlanta as soon as possible (and it turned out Andrew was just as useful as Marvel and got him a private plane)

While on the flight, Shawn couldn’t stop thinking how injured you were, and even if the two of you were still a couple, after all, he had been kind of a bad boyfriend.

A car was waiting for him outside and while he was on the way to the hospital, he typed your name and noticed that news of the accident were already being spread, and his twitter timeline was filled with messages for you, which meant there were reporters outside the hospital as well as some fans.

He couldn’t stop biting his nails and when he realized, a small smile appear on his face as he pictured you telling him to stop ‘that horrible habit’

The driver did his best to drop him somewhere he wouldn’t be seen, but it was almost impossible. 

He kept his head low, didn’t open his mouth to say anything; he just hurried his way inside the hospital and asked for you. He was directed to the third floor, where he found some familiar faces and one that almost made him laugh, the one and only, Tom Holland.

He had never been jealous after seeing the Instagram story of you and him boxing, by the way.

Or at least that’s what Shawn told himself as he greeted the British actor who was wearing sweats over the Spider-Man costume and had a worried expression on his face.

“Do you know what happened?” Shawn asked Tom quietly.

“She jumped from a stair and was supposed to land in this net but something went wrong and she missed it. It looked pretty bad” Tom answered grimacing at the thought.

“Don’t you have stunt doubles to do that?” Shawn asked between gritted teeth, earning a chuckle from Tom.

“They’re for riskier scenes, and both me and her are one of the youngest on set so we like performing most of the action parts.”

“You people are crazy.” Shawn muttered.

After the small conversation, Tom was called by a man on a suit. They started talking and Shawn was by himself, with his emotions all over the place.

He was worried.

Worried because no one had said something about your condition, and worried because he didn’t know what your reaction would be after you saw him.

He knew your parents weren’t there and the only people surrounding him were people who worked with you, making him the closest person to you in the room, and maybe you didn’t even want him to be there.

Maybe this Kevin guy had called him because he knew Shawn was your boyfriend, not because you requested it or something.

So when a doctor came out and asked for your family, he didn’t even realize when he was standing, asking the professional how bad was the situation.

The doctor said it could’ve been worse, since your neck had suffered major injuries and there were a couple of bruised ribs, but nothing more than that.

You were actually wide awake and asking for whoever was there.

It was either him or Tom, but when your co-star patted him on the back, he knew it was him.

He followed the doctor as he tried to control his breathing; it was too much for just a week.

And all his emotions seemed to go even crazier when he saw the surprised look on your face.

“What are you doing here?” you asked him.

“I... I came to see you.” he scratched the back of his neck.

“I thought we were over.” you said a bit bitterly.

Shawn sighed and took a step closer to the bed,

“I never said that...”

“Well, I thought not answering my texts or calls was enough to let me know.”

“I was kind of a jerk, and I’m sorry...” he took a deep breath. “It was so fucking scary to receive that phone call telling me you were in an accident, I thought the worse and it made me realize how much you mean to me.” he confessed.

You rolled your eyes, “you have the worst way of realizing stuff.”

“Yeah, I'm sorry about that.”

“It’s fine.”

None of you spoke again, the only thing that was heard was the sound of the machines.

“How are you feeling?” Shawn asked feeling silly since he hadn’t even checked on how you were feeling before trying to fix things.

“I’ve been better,” you chuckled. “But it could’ve been worse, I guess?”

“It could’ve been way worse, you’re one lucky girl.” he said finally seating on the edge of the bed.

“I guess so,” you smiled at him. “Dude, you have to get closer or I won’t be able to kiss you.”

Shawn let out a heartily laugh before shaking his head and moving until he was face to face with you.

“Hi” he said with a smile.

“Hey, you’re ridiculously handsome.”

“So I've been told.”

and with that your lips finally collided together, making you fall for each other all over again. Every tear and bitter moment were erased as you enjoyed the feeling of each other’s lips.

“I made the worst first impression on your mom.” you whined on his lips.

“It’s okay, she actually liked you.” Shawn chuckled, pecking your lips once again.

“Did she really?” 

“Yeah, but she was confused, though.” 

“I guess I have some work to do, then.”

“You can always come to my place wearing this thing on your neck, there’s no way she’ll dislike you.” Shawn pointed at the neck brace.

“That’s mean.” you smiled.

“Don’t act like you aren’t considering it!” 

“I won’t admit it out loud.” you giggled before whining because of the bruised ribs.

“Then you’re just as mean as I am.”

Shawn spent the entire day with you, only leaving to change his clothes an take a shower. The doctor said they were keeping you for at least another day and Shawn was more than happy to bring his laptop so you could watch Netflix together.

“I think this pays off for the days we missed in Boston.” you said squeezing Shawn’s hand.

“Totally does,” he was going to continue talking but your phone interrupted him.

“Can you pass it to me, baby please.” you asked and Shawn nodded. 

He grabbed the phone and his eyes widened as he noticed who was calling you. Shawn called your name dragging the last letter and with a tone of disbelief.

“Robert Downey Jr. is calling you on FaceTime.”

“Oh my God, give it to me!” you told him, trying to fix your hair, but it was impossible.

“You are so taking me to the set one of these days.”

“Of course, now give me the damn phone!” you laughed.

“You are the best girlfriend ever.”

“I know.” 

Things were just fine.

[bambichim]

7 minutes in heaven {pt.2}

PART 1

♡ pairing; jungkook x reader | taehyung x reader ♡ genre; angst,romance ♡ word count; 6.8k ♡ warnings; mild/strong language

[x cr] A/N; sorry that it has taken me MONTHS to post this second part, i was really struggling with the story line here :( i hope you are able to enjoy it nonetheless, pls like and reblog as it helps me out a lot <3

Jungkook still hasn’t slept a wink the entire night, the fatigue having already plagued his body hours ago and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t keep his mind off of you. Lying on his back in one of Namjoon’s spare beds, he stares blankly up into the dark ceiling that hasn’t yet been lit by the day’s sun, and repeatedly replays the kiss in his head. Feelings of yearning, intense passion and guilt begin to get mixed up in his mind, and he squeezes his eyes shut with the frustration that is starting to feel overwhelming. Why does this situation have to feel so complicated? The moment he stepped back into the cluttered living room that past evening, he felt the heat of various pairs of questioning eyes watching his every move and he didn’t dare look back into any of them. Although what had just happened was something he could’ve only dreamt about for months now, Jungkook couldn’t help but feel the horrible feeling of regret building up inside of him. He knew that you were practically in love with Taehyung at this point, so what strange energy possessed him to kiss you like that? He had accidentally met the burning gaze of Tae’s eyes, not being able to hold it for more than a couple of seconds. Suddenly, Taehyung bounced off the couch like it was made of hot coals, and darted determinedly for the door, causing a cool breeze to whip past Jungkook. “So, did anything happen with Y/N?” Jimin pressed, leaning forward with curiosity. With a lazy shrug of his shoulders, Jungkook pulled out his phone and slumped deep into the sofa, hoping that it would open up and swallow him whole. Would Y/N tell Taehyung that he came onto her? Will she cover up her tracks and make him look like the bad guy? Surely not… These were the thoughts that completely blocked out any possible sleep Jungkook might’ve gotten otherwise. But he has given up at this point, sitting himself up in the bed to grip tightly onto the covers for some reassurance. He can’t stop thinking about the way Taehyung had abruptly left straight after Y/N, looking at him with a slight touch of disappointment before opening the door to escape the unspoken awkwardness. Getting up to open the heavy curtains, a pool of radiant light spills into the room and Jungkook stands in it for a few seconds, feeling the early morning heat hit his body. A couple of groggy footsteps drag across the carpet outside his door, and he turns around to check the time on the wall. 9:15 AM Deciding that it was finally time to go and eat some breakfast, Jungkook slowly gravitates towards the door and opens it with a lazy grasp. “Hey, man,” Namjoon greets as he closes the bathroom door behind him, the puffiness in his face having been caused by sleep and alcohol, “Sleep well?” Jungkook cocks his head sarcastically, and by the light purple colour already taking place under his eyes, Namjoon guesses that his friend hasn’t actually slept yet. “Don’t worry; I’ll fix you up with a decently cooked breakfast and a cup coffee!” Namjoon says, reaching over to slap a sympathetic hand down on Jungkook’s shoulder. After a very long thirty minutes, Namjoon places down a plate of scrambled eggs on toast next to a mug of piping hot coffee, a smile of relief and gratification spreading across his face. “Bon appetit,” he announces before Jungkook tucks in gratefully. Although the toast was slightly burnt and the eggs took at least three tries to get right, Jungkook finishes everything on his plate quickly and leans back to let the satisfyingly full feeling take over. He’s glad that he can finally focus on something else that isn’t to do with you. “So…” Namjoon starts up after a couple of minutes, finishing the last drop of coffee swimming in the bottom of his stained cup. “What happened last night?” Jungkook’s breath begins to falter at the question, and without knowing what to say he just simply shrugs his shoulders, acting as if he doesn’t understand. Flashes of those intense seven minutes begin to rush through his mind as Namjoon’s suspicious expression grows in front of him. “You didn’t say one word to us for the rest of the night and blamed it on the sudden ‘tiredness’ you felt,” he continues steadily, not taking his eyes off of the nervous Jungkook.   Namjoon is someone he could confide in without having to worry about the others finding out. He holds many of Jungkook’s secrets and has watched him go through tough times, so why was it proving too hard to tell him the truth now? Looking down at his clammy hands, he tries to focus on the irregular breaths coming out of his lungs, each one starting to come to a slow stutter. “I don’t get what you’re talking about, nothing happened?” Jungkook replies with confidence, shrugging his shoulders yet again. With a deep sigh, Namjoon accepts his response with a brisk nod of his head. “Some of us were just a little confused, we expected you to come down looking smug, but all we got was a room full of tension.” “Sorry I couldn’t fulfil the game’s objective,” Jungkook laughs breathily, getting up to push the stool back from him, “I’m going to head back upstairs to sort out my things - I have somewhere to be in a bit.” Before getting to see another confirming nod from Namjoon, Jungkook swiftly leaves the kitchen and hops up the stairs. Once he finally makes his way down the long hallway and into the spacious guest room, he grabs his phone and vacantly stares at the screen. As much as he wants to text you, he remembers he doesn’t have your number for his own personal use. He can’t ask Namjoon for it now, that would look too obvious… Looking back at the door, Jungkook sees a sleepy Hoseok stumble across the carpet, trying to find his way down the hall through the hazy like state he’s in. Once he hears the bathroom door slowly shut, Jungkook dashes out of his room and into Hoseok’s. Surely he would have your number, right? Stumbling around the room to find his phone, he sets eyes on the device and punches in the four-digit code that he had learnt through the years of being Hoseok’s best friend. Jungkook repeatedly checks behind his back, nervously scrolling through the contacts as he does so until he finally comes across your name. The letters stand out dramatically, and his stomach fills with butterflies. It only takes a couple of seconds for the determined Jungkook to secure your number into his phone, saving it with pride. Before anyone finds out what he has just done, he sneaks back out of the room, and starts to gather the rest of his things. _____________ Waking up from your deep slumber, you let yourself sink into the pillowy cushions and covers, allowing them to slowly devour your body. You hear the birds twittering outside in the bright sunshine, and a feeling of calm washes over you. The serene atmosphere of the morning soon diminishes though as you remember all that happened last night. Looking across the bed at Tiffany, a horrible feeling starts to emerge from the pit of your stomach and you fight back any tears that begin to threaten your eyes. Why did Jungkook kiss you last night? Was it because that was the whole point of the game, or was there a deeper reason to it? You contemplate the reasoning behind the boy’s actions as you reach over to grab your phone, remembering that you received a text late into the night. Cautiously, you press down on the home button to see Taehyung’s name shining on your screen. [Taehyung]: did you get home okay? - 1:15AM [Taehyung]: or just don’t text back?? – 1:25AM You roll your eyes in response to his simple messages, and although you shouldn’t, you suddenly feel bad for not responding back as soon as you got them. With shaking hands, you begin to type out a message. Multiple messages actually. But before you decide to send any of them, you stop yourself to back space on the letters, ending up with a blank box repeatedly. Finally, you muster up one reply. [You]: sorry I was asleep, I got home fine thanks – 9:30AM No more than two minutes pass before your phone vibrates, letting you know that you’ve received a message. [Taehyung]: im sorry about last night i was tipsy, are you mad? – 9:32AM Before you can think of another reply, your phone buzzes again. [Taehyung]: do you want to meet for lunch or coffee today? – 9:33AM Those anxious butterflies start to build up in your stomach, a feeling you’re all too familiar with. You contemplate what to do for a couple of seconds, your mind going through all the possible reasons for and against going. If this happened a couple a weeks ago, it wouldn’t have even taken you a second to enthusiastically agree to meeting up with your high school heart ache. Would he just interrogate you the whole time, trying hard to find out exactly what happened last night? But, you knew you wouldn’t be able to tell him. Even though you knew Taehyung was now seeing someone, you didn’t want to jeopardise your chance with him by telling him you kissed one of his best friends… You know that was a ridiculous thing to hope for, though. Before you even realise what you’ve done, you sent a text back to Taehyung. [You]: yeah sure, 11am at the book café? – 9:35AM After a couple of seconds, Taehyung agrees to your request and you slide off the bed in order to start getting ready. As you push aside the curtains to let in the early October sunlight, Tiffany irritably wriggles over in the bed, pulling the covers over her head. “No, I need more sleep…” she mumbles under her sleepy breath. “Carry on sleeping, I’ll bring us up some food in a minute,” you reassure her, trying your best to be a good friend. The guilt hasn’t stopped eating away at you since all those hours ago, and you pray that it goes away soon. You don’t have the right level of concentration to start using pots and pans to make breakfast -the ending result would only be a mess. Knowing that Tiffany wouldn’t be opposed to have pop tarts at this time in the morning, you shove some of the strawberry flavoured ones haphazardly into the toaster and wait for them to eagerly jump out at you. As the minutes tick by, you fall into a deep trance of emotional thoughts and memories. No matter how hard you try, you can’t stop thinking about Jungkook. You had never thought about him in a romantic way before, and you didn’t think he had ever either. But the more you think about his soft lips upon yours, you can’t shake the feeling of wanting to see him again… POP! The sound of the pop tarts leaping out of the red hot toaster makes you fall back in shock, and a small laugh arises from your throat. Quickly, you pull out the tarts and throw them onto a plate, trying hard not to burn the tips of your fingers on the pastry. At this point, you are determined to enjoy your breakfast with your best friend. Grabbing two cups of fresh juice to join your food, you warily balance everything on the plate, and begin your journey back to your room. “Finally, I’m starving up here!” Tiffany jokingly moans as she looks longingly over to the plate you’re trying so hard not to drop. “I’m going to have to be getting ready to head out in a bit, so watch this,” you announce loudly, taking an overly large bite into the unknowingly piping hot pop tart. The jam in the middle is like molten lava against your tongue, and you yelp in pain, almost throwing the food straight across the room. “Where are you going?” Tiff manages to get out after laughing at your foolishness. A look of suspicion creeps onto her face as you prepare your answer. “I-uh…Taehyung texted earlier, wants to get a coffee.” Tiffany raises a concerning eyebrow, obviously confused as to why you would want to be meeting up with him now after finding out about Belle. Honestly, you don’t really know why either. “You sure that’s a good idea? You need to get over him, Y/N!” she exclaims impatiently, “He’s messing with your head, I don’t want to see you get hurt…” Rapidly shaking your head, you down your glass of juice and begin to rummage for something suitable to wear. You don’t want to look like a mess, but you also don’t want to look like you’ve dressed up for him either… “It’s fine, Tiff,” you convince your cautious friend, “He wants to meet up with me as friends – anyway, I’d feel bad for turning him down.” With an audible sigh coming from Tiffany, she shrugs her shoulders and continues to finish off her breakfast. You pull on a pair of light-wash mom jeans that have white and blue paint splotches on them, and the only reason as to why you haven’t thrown them out yet is because Taehyung said that they make you look “artsy.” Continuing to scramble around through the mountain of clothes on your floor, you yank out your favourite mustard coloured sweater and proceed to put the woollen material over your body. The next forty minutes is spent with you applying a full face of makeup, whilst contemplating showing up at the cafe or not. A huge part of you is more than excited to see Taehyung, there’s nothing else you want right now. But after your mini argument last night, and the general tension that was left floating around in Namjoon’s house, it made the idea seem a little less appetising. You swing your keys around your finger as you slump down on the bottom step of your staircase. You’d have to leave in five minutes if you wanted to get there on time, but the anxiety was starting to take a hold of your legs, ceasing them to move. Taehyung did want to see you after all. He went out of his way to ask you for a coffee, taking the time out of his day for you… “Are you going or not?” Tiffany says from the top of the stairs, hand placed firmly on her hip. She hops down the stairs to sit a step above you, her mousey coloured hair bouncing around her like a cloud. “I should, shouldn’t I?” you slowly question, not giving her time to reply, “I should just go and see what he wants, maybe I’ll get a solid apology…” “Exactly, make him apologise for confusing you like this!” Tiffany cheers as she pushes you forward up off the step. “You’ve got to text me everything that goes down though, okay?” You sniff a little laugh and agree to Tiffany’s request, steadying yourself up off the wooden step. “I’ll tell you everything afterwards – my parents are back at 12pm, so please make sure the house is tidy before they get back,” you say in a hopeful voice, but knowing Tiffany, she’ll have the place looking brand new by the time they get home. _________ By the time you reach the café its 10:55AM, and your nerves are starting to heavily kick in. As well as kicking, they’re punching and head butting. As you stand outside, you look up at the rustic sign saying ‘The Little Book Café’, just to make sure you’ve come to the right place. Even though you knew there weren’t any other cafes around the area specifically tied to books… As you push against the hefty glass door, the smell of fresh chocolate cake, pastries and coffee hits your nose, filling you with instant delight. This is one of your favourite places to go to with Taehyung after school. The two of you would spread your art books out onto the hidden table upstairs, leaving every couple of minutes to go and pick out artist biographies and other helpful books to share with one another. No matter how tense you feel right now, you can’t help but let a small smile bite its way into the corner of your mouth at the thought of the endless hours you’ve spent here with him. The middle-aged woman who normally serves you is behind the counter, sending out friendly smiles to every eye she can catch. As soon as she sees you, immediate warmth radiates off of her, and you politely smile back. “Hello dear, I wouldn’t of expected to see you today!” she says with a pleasant surprise, “Would you like your regular hot chocolate and croissant?” You quickly take a gander at the mouth-watering cakes that have been carefully placed on individual stands behind the glass in front of you, biting your lip as you think about your choice. Today there’s: carrot cake and buttercream icing, chocolate fudge cake, blueberry muffins and caramel slices. The enticing smell coming off the food is making your stomach rumble, and you have to make a decision. “I’d love a hot chocolate with a slice of carrot cake please!” you eagerly say, the thought of one of your favourite cakes making you feel extremely excited. “I’ll have the same please,” a deep voice says behind you, and you turn around to reveal that it’s Taehyung. He’s wrapped up in a cream and red checked scarf, his mouth just peeping over the top to reveal his nose, which is tinted a pretty rose colour. The black puffer jacket he’s wearing makes him look so incredibly huggable, but you try your best to keep your arms pinned to your sides. There is also slight puffiness around his eyes, probably due to the lack of sleep. Nevertheless, he still looks as strikingly gorgeous as ever. “Of course, my dear,” the lady directs at Tae, sending him one of her comforting smiles, “Are you paying for both?” “No, I’m paying for mine separately!” you quickly intervene. “Are you sure, Y/N?” Taehyung says, raising an eyebrow at you. You don’t want it to look like you can’t pay for things yourself, like he has to always be there for you. As much as you would like to accept his offer, you bite your tongue and hand over the payment in full. “Upstairs, where we usually sit?” you question Taehyung as you take your metal tray balancing your cake and drink in preparation to go sit down, remembering quickly to thank the lady behind the counter. As you head towards the stairs, you try and collect your breath evenly into your lungs. This really isn’t the time to start panicking, not now. Determined to get to your usual spot, you speed up the pace a little, weaving in and out of tables, chairs, and book stands. ‘Your’ spot was placed directly next to one of the windows in perfect view of the street outside. Around spring time, the two of you would watch as the blossom petals drifted around aimlessly, twisting and turning in a way that was ever so slightly hypnotic. Winter was wonderful as well. The light snowflakes would delicately fall from the sky, making the warmth of your hot chocolate taste even better. The two of you would sit there in silence. Not the type of silence that was uncomfortably awkward, but more the type that was soothing and reassuring, like nothing and everything was being said all at the same time. Pulling out your chair to sit down, you look up to see an alert looking Taehyung studying his tray carefully, focusing on not dropping it this time. His floppy hair falls softly into his eyes, the sharp sun from the window bouncing off of it. “You don’t even like carrot cake,” you accuse him, laughing lightly. “I thought I’d be adventurous and get something different,” he shrugs after letting out a deep sigh of relief as his tray hits the table. Not waiting for him, you delve into your cake, watching as the metal of your fork makes a smooth cut through the sponge and buttercream. Once it hits your mouth, your taste buds are overwhelmed by the sweet taste of the delectable cake. You hear Taehyung giggle at your reaction. “That good, huh?” he asks before taking the first bite of his as well. The two of you sit in quiet for a few seconds, nodding along to the chews and swallows of the delicious cake. Opening your eyes at the same time, you both share a genuine laugh with each other, and a familiar feeling of contentment flows through you. Taehyung’s brown eyes shine back into yours, and the creases around them make you feel like you’re right where you should be. The sun beaming in through the window highlights the melanin in his skin, the colour glowing flawlessly. Although he was not yours, you felt a very strong tie to him, and there was no way you could willingly let him go anytime soon. You spend a long time filling the minutes with random chatter about school, artists and books, managing to avoid the main issue at hand. Although the two of you are sharing laughs, you can’t help but feel the gnawing of your questions in the corner of your brain. “So, how are you?” he asks suddenly, sitting back with his hot chocolate. “I’m fine, how are you?” you reply back simply. You reach out to grab a hold of your mug, clasping your fingers around the handle. The strong, thick smell of pure chocolate rises into your nose, causing you to feel a momentary bliss. “I’m okay,” Taehyung says bluntly after taking a sip, “Although, I’m worried you’re mad at me…” His stare falls down into his mug, and he scoots up in his seat a little. You subconsciously do the same, looking down into your cup at the melting cream mixing with the pure colour of the chocolate. The swirling white contrasting against the brown has such an effortless allure to it that it captures you completely. “I’m not mad at you Tae – just confused,” you utter quietly still examining the merging colours in your cup, and honestly you don’t know if you’re telling the truth or not. “You’re confused?” he questions you slowly, knowing why you would feel this way, but wanting to hear you say it. “With the way you’ve been acting…” you mumble before a confident Tae speaks over you slightly. “I didn’t go home with her last night,” Taehyung strongly says, still keeping his eyes stuck to his mug, “I didn’t go back with Belle last night.” You suddenly look up as your eyebrows pucker at his confession, wondering why on Earth this information was relevant. “Why, did you have an argument?” you ask curiously, watching his hunched posture. “I just wanted to be away from everyone I guess,” he shrugs half-heartedly, and any joy that was there before leaves his body slowly. “You’ve ignored me for a straight week, Tae,” you try to say casually over his last comment, “Why couldn’t of you of just told me, what was stopping you?” You watch as his shoulders tense inside his coat, closing up around his neck. The shuffling of his body begins to make you feel uneasy as you take another sip of your creamy chocolate drink, letting the warmth coat your taste buds. The bitter sweetness runs down your throat, and he looks up at you with his hazel eyes that make you feel a million different emotions. Except those eyes appear to be utterly lost right now, and you can’t quite figure out what is going on in his mind… BUZZ! The two of you instantly look down at your phone vibrating against the polished wood of the table, and you tilt your head in slight confusion at the unknown number on your screen. As you slowly lean in, you begin to read the surprising text underneath the numbers. [?]: hey y/n its jungkook please can u reply when u get this? i hope its okay that ive texted u – 11:20AM Your eyes begin to widen as the uncomfortable tense feeling in your stomach expands, and you snatch your phone off the table in the hopes that Taehyung didn’t get the chance to read it. Holding the phone in your fumbling hands, you re-read the text over and over again, thinking about how he got your number and why he would be texting you now. The thought of a timorous Jungkook sitting slumped on a bed or sofa staring longingly into his phone sends a pang of sadness through you, and you fight the urge to text back immediately. “Who was that?” Taehyung calmly, but firmly questions. “I-I don’t know, I think it was a wrong number,” you stammer as you shove your phone deep into your coat pocket, hoping he wouldn’t pry anymore. Both of you exchange disconcerting looks, and you try not to give away too much information with your eyes. Taehyung studies your face carefully, watching each and every crevice with intent. He’s usually quick to tell how you’re feeling just by observing your movements and tone in voice, so you put in the extra effort to cover up any suspicious notions. The taut looking boy opposite you breaths in deeply, swishing his head to gaze out of the window. You follow his direction and watch the delicate ginger leaves fall to the ground one after the other, twisting and turning until they get there. He knocks back the last of his drink, wincing as the surprising heat of the liquid hits the back of his throat. The uncertainty of the situation feels salty on your tongue and you want to know why, but it feels like the time to ask those sorts of questions is up. Your eyes lazily fall half shut, the tiresome events catching up to you. “Do you want to head out?” Taehyung softly asks, almost whispering. You’ve been daydreaming into his unfinished carrot cake, the buttercream icing having been smeared on the metallic fork with flecks of rust coloured crumbs speckled on top. The wispy thoughts haven’t been able to leave you alone quite yet, and an annoyance bubbles inside of you. Without answering, you stand up and stretch out your arms. Taehyung takes this as his queue to prepare to leave as well as he re-wraps his comfy scarf around his attractive neck. “Let’s go,” you simply say, taking one last bite off of your fork and a sip of the luke-warm chocolate drink. The two of you silently walk out of the atmospheric café, the books around you speaking to each other about all of the wondrous things they know. As you push open the door, the crisp air bites softly at the tip of your nose and whips around your head. You look over to Taehyung, who seems to be engrossed in the way the leaves are falling mesmerizingly around him. The boy doesn’t need to do much to appear effortlessly beautiful.

Your surroundings feel comfortably silent, and the light sound of the wind rushing around you fills your ears. “Well, I guess I’ll be going back home…” you manage to catch Taehyung’s attention, and he seems to deflate slowly like a balloon that was once full of helium. He quickly moves towards you, wrapping his sturdy arms around your body tightly. You freeze up at the sudden connection, confused as to why he would do this, but then allow yourself to sink securely into place. The sweetness of Tae’s scent makes you feel hazy, and you can’t think straight, your mind only focusing on the love you regrettably feel for this boy. “I’ll see you soon,” he breaths over your ear, nuzzling his head into your shoulder slightly which sends a shiver to zap down your spine. He then parts briskly with a soft smile, and turns to stroll down the concrete street. You wobble on your feet a little, still feeling the warmth that emitted from him moments ago, and you’re not too sure about how to feel. Watching for a few seconds as he disappears around the corner, you turn away and decide to carry yourself back home. The air feels floaty and light, and the cold continues to nip at your exposed face. Taehyung is never obvious about his feelings and always keeps it to himself, no matter how many times you let him know that his thoughts are safe with you. So after this mini meeting, it’s no wonder that you feel utterly lost with the minimal information he’s provided you with. Why are you this way, Taehyung? You delve into the pocket of your coat to find your tangled earphones, and after spending a couple of seconds trying your best to unravel the mess of the wire, you finally manage to get them free and you proceed to plug them haphazardly into your phone. Not before long, you finally reach your house. The walk back was quick, and you had tried not to notice the many couples strolling past you, holding hands and whispering their sweet love to each other. You couldn’t help but feel the all too familiar feeling of jealousy fizz up inside you at the sight of them. Walking inside, you sniff a laugh at the amazing job Tiffany managed to do to your house. The cleanliness feels refreshing, and it helps to clarify your mind a little. “Hello?” you say boldly into the silence of your abode. You look over to the ticking of a clock on a nearby wall, and see the arms signalling that it’s 12 o’ clock. Your parents should be back from work soon, so you take yourself to your room and flop down onto the pillowy material of your bed. Taking a few moments to stare blankly into the vast ceiling above your head, you reach over to where you have placed your phone on your bed-side table and pick it up to send a text. Your hands are shaking a little bit, but you try hard to concentrate on steadying them. [you]: Hey Jungkook, it’s nice to hear from you but I don’t know if texting each other right now would be the best idea after last night – 12:13 PM As much as you like Jungkook, the situation feels too confusing to even try and think about right now. Shutting him down early just seems like the best thing to do. But, you can’t ignore the excitement that has been bubbling in your body for the past twelve hours or so. As much as you try to deny it, you have had a longing for a simple kiss like the one the both of you shared last night.

[jungkook]: maybe its not the best idea but i feel like we need to talk about it instead of ignoring it – 12:17 PM

You guess he’s right. As per usual, you would prefer to ignore the whole circumstance and pretend like nothing ever happened. However, walking around with that feeling just wouldn’t feel settling at all. The hours that have passed by already have been uncomfortable enough, and you don’t want to have these unspoken words floating around your mind forever.

But, what could you do? Surely it would be a slight act of betrayal to meet up with Jungkook seeing as Tiffany has such a large crush on him. You don’t like him as anything more than a friend, though. If you were to see him, it would just be a casual and mutual meeting…

Maybe you could find him around school sometime soon and just clear up anything that needs to be said. You can guess the two of you have quite a few straggled thoughts you’d like to let loose.

For now, you’d have to wait until Monday morning came around, presenting a fresh week for you. You aren’t too sure if you want to have to confront the awkwardness that is obviously there, but you have to. Just then, your phone starts buzzing and a cheesy song rings through the silent room. Panicking, you swivel your eyes over to the screen, expecting to see the name you really didn’t want to see. But to your relief it’s only Tiffany, and you let your shoulders relax at your sides. As soon as you pick up the phone, you start explaining the confusing café meeting with Taehyung to your curious best friend. ______________

Once the bell begins to screech signalling to everyone that fourth period has ended, you leave your English literature class, feeling your hands beginning to get clammy over the thought of bumping into Jungkook. Why on Earth is this making you so nervous? You’ve been cautiously roaming through the school the entire day, scurrying over to your next lesson whilst trying not to make eye contact with any of the students around you.

There’s no reason for me to be this anxious for Christ’s sake!

Stopping to breath for a millisecond, you close your eyes lazily and let your body relax. You’ve let the entire situation get to you way too much now. Feeling your stomach rumbling under your sweater, you decide to head to the cafeteria.

Picking up your usual cheese ciabatta, juice box and fruit pack, you make your way over to pay. As you wait, you let your eyes scatter around the faces filling the room. You shake your head a little, scolding yourself for worrying again.

As you’re wandering back to the study room for the upper students, you bump into a fairly broad and strong body just like in a cliché high school movie. Before you even look up, the strong smell of the sweet cologne jogs your memory, helping you guess who is standing in front of you.

“Hey…Y/N,” a wary voice greets you, and straight away you manage to match the sound to the strikingly cute face of Jungkook. You look up to see his shiny glass eyes staring back into yours, and he clears his throat after a few seconds, blinking profusely whilst trying to find somewhere else to hold his gaze.

“Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going,” you lightly laugh and shrug your shoulders, receiving a soft smile from the boy. You begin to push past him to escape the tightness of the situation, but manage to snatch that thought up quickly before going through with it, taking a few steps back.

Jungkook’s eyes circuit your face, clearly waiting for you to say something. You wrack your brain for a simple sentence to shoot at him until you finally do. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you, which I guess doesn’t make sense as I haven’t replied to your text…” you rush out rather messily, and a small smile etches into the corner of Jungkook’s soft lips.

“It’s fine honestly, I guess it’s better to talk in person really,” he says lightly, “Shall we walk back together?”

You begin to walk back slowly, managing to keep a comfortable space between the two of you. Although the words that need to be said are circling around on your tongue, none of them are succeeding in coming out. Up until now, you hadn’t realised that Jungkook has been taking you the longer route back round. You glance at him in your peripheral vision to see him looking rather confident, shoulders broad and chin up, not something you’re used to seeing from him.

Turning into a fairly empty corridor, Jungkook slows down his pace which, in turn, slows down yours too. You turn back to see him looking down at his dawdling feet.

“Look Y/N, I’m really sorry for what happened the other night…” Oh no, is he going to confess to something?

“I really didn’t know what I was thinking, but I’ve been meaning to tell you that I-”

Before he can finish his sentence, you awkwardly rush to place your arms around his strong body, trying to hug away the sentence he was going to spill. As much as you want to regret this feeling, you can’t help but feel ever so slightly comfortable in his arms, like you meld perfectly into him.

The two of you freeze for a couple of seconds before he brings you in tighter. Now you feel like you can’t back out. By trying to fix the situation, you’ve only gone and made it so much more complicated.

“It’s all fine, honestly,” you murmur as you push yourself out of his hold, “Just a little… confusing, that’s all.”

A pair of high heels clip-clop down one of the hallways nearby, making you decide it’s time to head back and fast. Without giving him a warning, you carry on your endeavour down the corridor to the student room, hearing his sneakers squeak on the flooring behind you to catch up.

The two of you are welcomed back into the room by loud male voices and a snide look coming from Bella’s pointy face. You screw your eyebrows together lightly, not knowing whether to smile in response. Namjoon and Hoseok whizz their way up to Jungkook and greet him with a slap on the back before noticing you standing by his side. “Oh hey Y/N, how’re you doing?” Namjoon calmly asks, swivelling his eyes carefully between you and Jungkook.

From over Namjoon’s shoulder, you notice Taehyung perk up a little at the sound of your name. He had been sitting with his back to the door when you entered, with Bella chattering away to his face, clearly trying too hard to impress him. You watch as he turns his head around, his stare melting immediately into your eyes. It has only been a few days since you’d seen him, but his beauty feels just as refreshing as ever.

Taehyung’s eyes quickly darken as he notices Jungkook’s sturdy body standing closely by you, and he runs a nervous hand through his soft, shiny locks. For some reason, you find yourself hoping that somewhere in his mind, a green surge of jealousy is digging away.

Bella swings her head from side to side, her bright hair flowing around her face majestically. Her pointy eyebrow arches like a dagger and you quickly divert your eyes from hers. A couple of seconds pass by with no one saying a word, so you decide to take it upon yourself to fix the situation. “Come on then, let’s go join the rest of them!” you say proudly, putting your arms around Hoseok and Jungkook to pull them both forward to the group sitting in the corner.

Taehyung abruptly turns his back to face you again, and you feel slightly taken aback by the harshness of his movement. The atmosphere in the room feels off to you, the dryness in your throat starting to itch. But with some forced energy, you try to ignore it.

“Hey, everyone!” you announce, managing to somehow catch the attention of the well-dressed guys who are mindlessly spinning around on chairs. Each one of them has a unique sense of style, something that is so aesthetically pleasing to you. Next to Jimin, you notice a pretty face surrounded by a mass of mousey brown curly hair staring at you in awe. It’s Tiffany. You have been so distracted by Taehyung that you hadn’t even noticed your best friend hiding away in the corner.

She has her hands clasped to her phone and is looking up at you with a sort of scepticism. A thin layer of cold sweat breaks out on your back, and you hold your breath for a couple of seconds. You guess that she has been watching the entire time.

“Hi, Y/N,” Bella replies through her teeth, “And hello, Kookie.”

Your body cringes at the nickname. Taehyung has told you multiple times that Jungkook is rarely called that, the name only staying safe within their tight friendship group. You look out of the corner of your eye to witness Jungkook’s shoulders tensing slightly, watching as a little puff that resembles a laugh slip through his lips.

Before he can even reply, Bella carries on talking. “So, how are you two? Is this a thing now?” She raises both of her hands to exaggerate her point, causing the rest of the group to look like they’re watching a tennis game, turning their heads carefully to look at the two opposing sides.

You look at her for a couple of seconds, trying to make sense of what she means. Tiffany looks at you with an added awareness of the situation and you shake yourself out of your thoughts.

“What do you-”

“It’s just that I saw the two of you looking rather cosy in the hallway back there,” Bella callously interrupts again, looking straight through you with painfully innocent eyes.

[springleaves]

info about the upcoming months

yeah ok ive got an essay for you about my future activity BUT first things first i hope everyone will have a happy and successful 2017!! treat yourself well, remember that you are loved and i hope this year is extremely positive for you ❤️❤️❤️

onto the real stuff,,, this might be kinda long but don’t worry i’ll put a tl;dr at the bottom for those who struggle to read long passages of text or simply don’t care that much aHA its only regarding the activity of this blog so i mean if you don’t care that much feel free to skip the huge wall of text that probably has incorrect grammar and hundreds of typos or just ignore this do what makes u happy

explanation under the cut!

so january 4th is the day i go back to school and it also means it’s the last stretch of my (final) school year (fuckign bless). and like i’ve mentioned before i will be having my summer a level exams this year, and in the upcoming next week and a half or so i will be having mock exams, so i will be inactive because of that (and i’m going to be more dead than i was in the last couple of months of 2016).

aaaaaand i’m basically going to be inactive for a good 5-6 months or so until everything is finished and i’m on holiday from end of june-july till september due to the fact drawing takes up so much of my time and i have to study if i want to get to my chosen university (as i’m sure a lot of you can understand since a lot of us are students whether its high school or uni and the such)

therefore stuff will be changing about this blog, like my actual presence on here and in terms of art posting. of course im not going to be completely dead so i will pop in occasionally and if you send me a message or ask i will respond asap, but of course, bear with me on that. if you need me urgently, your best bet is twitter, i’m always active on there so i will respond immediately (unless i’m asleep but thats different)

for the most part i will be setting up a queue and posting the odd occasional life story so you know i’m not completely dead but yes, that’s the general outline on the next few months of this blog :’) and onto the art-sy bit because hey, this IS mainly an art blog so if that’s what you’re looking for the next few points are the ones you want to read~

>>>art

im one of those artists who gets horrible withdrawal symptoms from not drawing too long so i can assure you there will be the odd occasional fanart popping up every now and then, most likely in the form of canvases from last year that i’ve finished up. i’ll probably be doodling a lot more this year so traditional art is available

>>>requests

current requests will be finished albeit slowly, i tried to get them done in the final week of my christmas holiday but due to some major personal issues i’ve struggled and have done next to nothing, but i will try my best to get them done within this month;;

requests will continue to be closed until im on summer break and even then requests are going to be limited. assuming i’ve improved my art to the stage i want it to be at, requests will be limited to two at a time and alongside it im going to start doing commissions in order to aid me a tiny bit in terms of uni funds (again, due to personal issues i’ll struggle to find a job). if commissions go well i actually plan to start hosting giveaways of merch/albums etc the sort but we’ll see how that goes first lol

of course thats only if my art has gone where i want it to, otherwise i’ll continue having an unlimited list of requests with the small possibility of commissions on the side HONESTLY who knows at this point like im happy with my art but not happy happy happy extraordinarily happy like wow bouncing off the walls ya feel

>>>army birthday gifts

i will still be posting birthday gifts as best as i can! as shown by one i posted today i’ll be doing them a little differently this year but i will still try my best to post them! of course it might cause problems for me since people change urls but i’ll do my best,,,, if i happen to be late i sincerely apologise but its not personal ok ily

well thats pretty much it, i pooped so much stuff out that im sad that i cant do this for my school essays but thats fine ok me

i may also potentially maybe with a 45.6% possibility post fics and write more things this year since i usually do it when im writing essays or studying so like idk expect fics?? maybe??? when i muster the courage to post them i mean i already have like 5 drabbles sitting in my files with one chapter of a long fic honestly punch me im not good with words why am i doing this

tl;dr:

inactivity until july; may pop in every now and then

find me on twt because im always there if u need me

q; whens my school love affair (i literally thought of this just now and im keeping it)

requests are still closed im sorry

army birthday gifts will go up as normal

oh man holy shit

did i mention i was eating ice cream while typing this and i cant feel my limbs now

[ohsnapitssam]

To my almost. :)

It was 2016 when I first had a connection with you. First year tayo non, second semester. Naghahanap ako ng HYDRO Tickets para sa mga friends ko and I saw you posted in a freshie group na you were selling. Nag chat ako sayo sabi ko im interested and pinareserve ko muna. Pero in the end hindi ko na nabili kasi hindi naman kami tutuloy and nabenta mo naman na sa iba. And ayon. we became internet friends. And I was so mesmerized by your appearance, grabe. Hindi ka naman yung typical guy na kapogian and make girls and other gay guys drool or scream. Pero one thing that made me look back is your awesome personality. Yung usapan natin sa chat, I felt very comfortable even though hindi pa tayo nagkikita personally bale virtually crush palang kita non. 

Figure 1.0 First pic na sinend mo sakin. HAHAHAHAHA

Figure 1.1 2016 palang hubadero ka na pota ka HAHAHAHHA

Tapos diba umamin ako sayo non na crush kita tapos sabi mo may boyfriend ka na, w/c is Sid, i said okay and I bypassed this feelings and moved on. (Really?) Tapos ayun magkausap padin tayo through random times. FB, Twitter, texts, calls, etc. Sobrang comfortable talaga ng feeling kapag kausap ka araw-araw.

Figure 1.2 Ito yung unang picture mo na sinave ko sa phone ko non na ACER na bulok HAHAHA. Ito din yung picture na gamit ko sa images ng Messages sa phone ko. :) (Fresh mo pa jan teh)

When First sem starts again second year na tayo non. Hindi parin kita nakikita. Sinabihan mo pa akong cute nung napanood mo ako sa Wish Ko Lang nung segment nung bulag na student sa COC tapos nakita mo ko don lol sabi mo cute ako well ako na to char. Taposl COC Week came, Amazing Race. Blue Team ako non ikaw Green Team. We first interact each other sa main. Naka braid pa buhok mo non and you yelled my name and gave me that sweet smile. I was hardstuck to where I’m standing from that time. Tapos last kami nakatapos ng mga leg don then when we head back to COC andun ka nakatayo sa may puno kina ate Lourdes. Tinawag moko then you hold my hand. I smiled. :) It was the first time we hold hands and I was shocked that time lol pero masaya naman. Then after the event tinext mo ko non e di ko alam kung about saan basta nagtext text tayo non habang nasa byahe ako lol. Tapos palagi kong sinasabi kay ate Jess yung about sayo and kung gaano kita ka crush non that time kasi siya lang kausap ko non nung newbie palang ako 

Then everything was fun and awesome ok ok sige friends tayo and all casual lang na paguusap and everything then there’s this day na sabay sabay tayong kumain apat nila Ally and Brit kina ate Lourdes ayun na ata yung last na interaction natin nung 2016 idk, may mga times na nagkikita tayo sa lobby habang nagtetraining kami. 

2017, sumali kayo ni Ally sa pep, Natuwa na ako na sumali si Ally sa pep kasi someone close to you joined edi nasa isip ko shet, si Jeremy palagi na manonood samin kasi nandito na si Ally, tapos kinabukasan malalaman ko sasali ka na ring dishuta ka HAHAHAHA edi mas natuwa naman ako pero syempre lowkey kilig lang ako :(( Nung sumali ka, syempre di mo alam gagawin mo, tanga ka pa non e. Lol edi nagpaturo ka sa mga seniors namin kina Jess Alex ng mga ganap natin sa squad. Tapos nakasama ka na din don sa BPOlympics tapos binilhan mo pa ako ng donut surprise mo daw sakin sabi ni Jarem, yung mukhang aso na donut pero hindi ko na mamukhaan kasi pinipi niyo na ata. HAHAHA. Super kilig ako non kasi wala lang I love surprises. Tapos ayon, time came when something is happening between you and Jarem and naconfirm lang naming lahat after compet kasi medyo tinatago niyo pa during cheer season. The moment I knew na something is between you two, i said to myself. okay sige. No grudge, I was happy pa nga for the both of you, really, i am! :) It’s kust na very wrong timing lang talaga tayo and siguro mabagal din ako??? I think. Lol nevertheless, i was happy and shipping you both that time. Secretly and lowkey loving you from afar. Ew. And we were still pretty close since then. and even start kissing on the lips like very damn day we meet and parang wala lang sating dalawa. Just like a friendly gesture. Ganun. And I think sakin mo lang ginagawa and kay Kenji ang pagiging kisser mo? Ewan ko.  

2 years passed. 2019. It was still okay, yea keeping things flowy and whatsoever. Then on the second half of the year starting from July, I find out na medyo hindi na kayo okay ni Jarem. Sabi ko, “Anong nangyayari sa dalawa? Issues came up, a lot of things going on inside and outside social media, I know some of it but many of them, no because I’m keeping myself away from being involved. Tapos ayun nga, medyo hindi na kayo okay. Tapos palaging naggagala, staying late hours in Cubao, nag chi-chilltop every after weeks even after training days sa pep. Overnight everywhere, talking about stuff, and i mean EVERYTHING kind of stuff. 

Figure 1.3 Wala lang ang cute natin dito so hehehe 

Tapos ayun lets jump to this October after compet nung uminom tayo sa Chilltop Lacson to celebrate/mourn our loss sa PUP CLC, naalala ko non we are on the same line of seats pero we are one seat apart nakapagitna kasi satin si Ning, tapos nag CR sila ni Jarem so the seats are vacant and you decided na tumabi sakin. Then during the party you are just so so so sweet and clingy ang dami mong sinasabi sakin na about sa future ko na I’ll do great things and saying that you love me so much makes me feel like, putangina yung puso ko sasabog na sa mga pinagsasabi nitong katabi ko. GANON TALAGA YUNG FEELING, MY MINE! Tapos you are kissing me rin in random times which makes my butterflies in my stomach smother around even harder. Then nung natapos na tayo sobrang bagsak ka na non pota sakin ka pa nagpabuhat sobrang bigat mo, my mine :((( Sabi pa sakin nung katabi nating table non kasi nakasabay natin sila pauwi. “Ingatan mo baby mo ha sweet niyo kanina”. Natawa nalang ako tapos buhat buhat parin ktia non. Bwiset ka. Tapos naghiwa hiwalay na tayong lahat non pumunta tayo kina Chano na dapat kina kuya Jaja tayo tutuloy pero nag insist ka kasi di mo na kaya. Sinamahan kita kasi gusto ko safe ka and tsaka ako nagaalala sayo non. Tapos nung hiniga na kita sa lapag non and me myself sobrang bagsak na katawan ko and pa black out nadin. Tapos next thing I knew, ayun na. Alam mo na yon. Hindi ko na dito ilalalagay lahat ng nangyari ng gabing yon at ng umagang yon and na-open up ko na sayo yon before and hindi ko na isusulat yon dito kasi I have respect for you, my mine ko! :) And remember that time nung niyaya kita sa MOA kasama sila Rommel Ivan and Jarem pero hindi ka nakapunta, you said sorry and you appreciated my invitation pero u still didn’t chose to come kasi nga yung sa inyo ni Jarem that time. And that was also the time na umamin ako sayo na gustong gusto parin kita maging boyfriend ko. Sobrang tanga ko non kasi ang bad timing pero you were so honest and very transparent na hindi pa pwede kasi you have still high hopes with Jarem and I respect that sinabi ko naman sayo yun diba, my mine? Sabi mo pa nga hintayin kita and you will wait for our time to come and I was glad that you had that kind of mindset kasi pota 3 years na akong nakapila sa puso mo eh hahaha. Pero at the same time,  things are getting harder and harder on me kasi stage 3 na ako sa sakit ko, and I was so sad that time nung inamin ko sa inyong apat non nila Alli Rommel at Mekai and the whole night I was just staring randomly at people thinking about the one of the biggest decision I made, is to let you go, on your birthday.

Figure 1.4 Skl nilalagyan lang ako ng mga meds sa katawan. DONT BE BOTHERED PLEASE. DI NAMAN YAN CRITICAL ITS JUST NORMAL LOL 

Stage 3 Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy is way damn hard to explain when you are in the situation, imagine yourself being neutral and not able to express emotions that much, as if you have your limit to do so. My mine, sobrang lungkot ko kasi feeling ko hindi na ako marerecover. Na hanggang dito nalang ako, so I did this decision to cut off ties with you. I’m not telling you na ikaw ang may kasalanan, kasi you aren’t. Wala kang kinalaman sa sakit ko or whoever person involved (eg. our common friends etc). It’s all on me. I’m sorry if ever I made you sad or angry(???). I deserve it. All the hate you can give, sige go. But one things for sure, I will never ever forget you as one of bestest (cuz best is not the right word to describe you lol) people I ever met in my life. Every memories we had and shared will always be inside me and will never vanish, I promise you that. 3 years I loved you more than any people I loved. As I’ve said to you, I tried finding love to other guys out there but I still end up falling in love with you kasi I see myself and imagine myself with you in the future way way more clearer than the others. And it saddens me to do that because you are the best thing happened to me and I chose to cut ties with you on your own birthday... Ang sama ko sa part na yon. Pero i dont know what you felt about that. Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. My mine, I love you always and what ever happens, I’ll still love you even from afar because that is my promise to you remember? :) 

Figure 1.5 Kina kuya Ja to. Cute natin nyakakakakka :) 

2020 is fast approaching. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kakalimutan na kita, my mine. Pero that is the one thing na hindi ko na fullfill. Kasi I can’t and I won’t. I can’t afford to lose every single piece of our great memories just because I have this sickness inside me. Sana when we meet each other ulit somewhere out there, ikikiss mo parin ako, ihuhug mo pari ako, hahawakan mo parin kamay ko, magiging same persons pa rin tayo just like before. 

I love you so much, my mine ko! When you finished reading this, I just want you to know na I’m always praying for your safety and for your blessings to come to you and I’m looking forward to see you in your successful self! Isko ka na ulit pero sa UP na. Sobrang nakakatuwa and I’m so indeed happy for you. <3 Super salamat sa lahat ng good and bad memories natin. I appreciate you and your well-being. I’m excited yet nervous when December 31 comes kasi that will be the time when I’ll gice you this blog and siyempre natatakot ako sa kung ano man yung magiging reaction mo. But anyways, ayon lang. Ito na yon. I love you so soooo much, my mine ko! :) 

[foursproutlove-blog]

The Oral Sex Gap Is Real And I’m Not OK With It

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/love/the-oral-sex-gap-is-real-and-im-not-ok-with-it/

The Oral Sex Gap Is Real And I’m Not OK With It

What does a woman have to do around here to get some head?

I’ve been in relationships almost exclusively since I was a teenager, and, until recently, had only ever slept with the men I’d been dating. I’ve since had a foray into the hellish casual dating game, and I’ve observed a phenomenon which makes the sex-positive part of me absolutely livid.

Women are basically expected to give a blow-job, but the chances of the favor being returned are slim at best.

Looking back, it’s something I (and countless other women) have experienced time and time again.

I can barely remember my first couple of high-school boyfriends offering to go ‘downtown’ at all, but I’ve always excused them because we were bumbling teens who were still so inexperienced and young, both learning about sex as we went, so I never held it against them.

My first partner as an adult never went down on me, except maybe a handful of times when we first got together, but he expected a blow-job every time we had sex, and almost daily as a rule. Upon reflection, he was a misogynistic asshole, and so I concluded this was why he never offered to return the favor.

My next boyfriend was much more even-handed with the oral sex. While the numbers still skewed in his favor (mainly because I actually enjoy giving head so much I’d regularly offer to give him one as it got me off as well), it still was in no way equal.

And don’t even get me started on how unfair casual hook-ups are with giving oral sex. In the seven month period I was playing the field and had a friends-with-benefits arrangement, I could literally count the number of times I was attended to on one hand, and I don’t have enough fingers or toes to represent how many times I was gently encouraged to go down on him.

Which is fine, and I’m not complaining about having to give a blow-job or two, but it’s the unfairness of the arrangement which really makes me frustrated.

In a study from The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, it was recorded that while over 63 percent of men recorded receiving oral sex as part of their last sexual encounter, the number sat at around 40 percent for women.

The same study also found that overall, between men and women, oral sex was far more pleasurable if given by a long-term partner in a committed relationship – sorry, single friends.

An informal poll of my closest girlfriends confirms there is definitely an oral sex gender gap. The girls in relationships say it goes both ways, but they definitely give more than they receive.

The ones who are single basically laughed in my face when I asked if they were getting an acceptable amount of oral sex.

“Unless I literally beg for it, guys avoid going down there with their tongue as if it’s going to kill them,” one of them told me.

Another went into more detail about why she thinks there is a bit of a gap. “When I hook-up with guys and they do go down on me, I’ve never orgasmed. I think it’s because I spend the whole time worrying about what they think of my pink bits and so I can’t completely relax because ultimately, they’re strangers and I’m not totally comfortable.”

She hits at the crux of the issue.

So many women are too worried about whether they smell alright, what they taste like down there or what someone might think of their vagina, that even when men do want to give a woman oral sex, she can’t completely relax and just enjoy herself. But it would be very rare indeed to come across a guy who was worried about the same if a blowjob was on the agenda.

Unfortunately, if you’re a woman, chances are you grew up being told that part of your body was, in some way or another, defective or not good enough. We have to live up to insane beauty standards which dictate that every part of our bodies must be perfect, and if it isn’t, we have to fix it. And our vaginas don’t get a free pass on this intense shaming and these insane standards.

It has to be hairless, but free from ingrown hairs. It must come in pretty, neat packages even though in reality, every vulva is different. Even though it’s basically impossible, there should be zero scent to the female genitalia at all, and ideally, it should taste phenomenal.

If your own personal private parts are any deviation from this mystical perfect vagina, you’d better feel terrible about it.

The constant shaming of women’s bodies is extremely damaging, not only for self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence but in forming intimate relationships as well.

I’ve had friends who have been in long-term relationships who have never let their boyfriends see them naked. And I mean, three years in and they’d never seen all of their girlfriends uncovered at the same time, because they were terrified they weren’t perfect enough.

No wonder women have deep-rooted insecurities about their vaginas.

I know that once I entered the dating scene, the fact that men seemingly avoided giving oral at all costs made me question whether everything was okay downstairs. And I’ve since come to the conclusion that more guys should be going down on women.

While closing the oral sex gap won’t really cure the constant and ever-present criticism of the female form, it might work to make things a little bit easier. Or at least, more women would be having orgasms, and that’s the world I want to live in.

And then, there’s the sexist inequality issue. The one thing about the oral sex exchange which causes the little feminist inside me to scream with pure, fire-and-brimstone rage.

A lot of guys are just selfish.

Maybe some men just don’t enjoy giving oral sex, the same way I know several gals who hate giving blowjobs.

And look, I understand that everyone has a preference, and if a guy tells me he doesn’t like going downtown, it’s absolutely fine by me. Sex must be consensual, and if he doesn’t want to do something, that decision has to be respected. No questions asked.

Problems arise, however, when five minutes after confessing this fact, he is pushing my head towards his crotch and expecting me to service him with my mouth.

The key word here is expecting.

If a guy I was seeing told me he didn’t enjoy going down on a girl, I’d probably still go down on him, just for fun.

But if he told me he wouldn’t be going down on me but would be expecting a blowjob, no negotiations, do not pass go, no chance of reciprocation, oh boy, you’d better believe I have an issue with that level of sexual hypocrisy.

These kinds of guys are everywhere.

One of these holier-than-thou men wrote a ‘think piece’ on why he, as a straight man, hated going down on women, listing off a bunch of different justifications for his decision – the smell, the taste, his personal revulsion at the apparent unappealing look of a vulva and the uncomfortable position oral sex forces him into – before finishing his article with, quite disgustingly, “to me blowjobs are a fundamental part of the sexual intercourse game.”

Hold up, mate. I have a problem with your incredibly selfish views on sex. Not to mention every word he wrote is a direct play-by-play of the concerns which scare women out of being able to enjoy oral sex in the first place.

Does he honestly think dicks smell like roses? Does he believe the taste of a penis or semen is like a delicious chocolate cake? Any woman who has received an unexpected dick pic to her phone can attest to the fact the male genitalia isn’t exactly a Van Gogh painting to look at, and sucking a dick isn’t exactly ‘comfortable’.

Oh, your neck gets sore when you’re between my legs? I’m so sorry! Now, please thrust your manhood into the back of my throat so hard it leaves a bruise, and don’t even worry about massaging my neck after I’ve been bobbing my head up and down for 10 minutes…

And of course, these kinds of men are highly unlikely to show any sort of consideration for the comfort of the woman they want to have orally attending to their manhood, while the same woman would have spent at least 30 minutes freshening up down there and internally freaking out about his comfort if he was going to head downtown with his tongue.

And while some people have a preference and may not enjoy oral sex, to demand your sexual partner perform the act on you if you’re not going to do the same is just selfish. And you, sir, do not deserve the pleasure my mouth can bring you.

So how about men and women agree to take a few wonderful steps towards sexual equality. The world is a better place when everyone is having orgasms, so unless oral sex isn’t your thing, we should all be putting our heads between some thighs more often.

And for the love of all that is sexual and equal, don’t demand oral sex if you’re not going to return the favor. It’s just polite.

Kassi Klower is a passionate and opinionated tea-drinker and cat-lover. She’s a proud feminist who is always sleepy, loves politics and lives for writing about social justice issues. Follow Kassi on Twitter and Facebook.

This originally appeared on SHESAID. Republished here with permission.

The post The Oral Sex Gap Is Real And I’m Not OK With It appeared first on Role Reboot.