#the void devours

[reyrapidsbutgayer]

Ranking All Elden Ring Bosses by Fuckability

It was only a matter of time until I made a post like this.

In this hypothetical all of the bosses can be reasonably communicated with and are not actively trying to kill you.

Repeat bosses not included, duo bosses counted seperate.

It should also be assumed that all of these bosses have access to their magic/items/resources to benefit them in bed.

Explanation of Grading system:

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

These characters are not sentient enough to communicate consent, or are physically incapable of sex.

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Character sucks so badly that they do not deserve to experience pleasure in any shape or form.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

These character are fully capable of sex but would never participate in sex due to lack of interest or overabundance of moral convictions.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

I mean, you COULD have sex with these characters but why would you?

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

These characters are average in bed, nothing crazy or noticeable. Some might end up in this category because they ARE good at sex, but the entire process would be inconvenient or uncomfortable to initiate.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

These characters are good at sex, give or take a few points depending on their mood or situation.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

These characters excel in giving pleasure and would be well worth the time and effort involved.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

These characters would be so good at sex that all other factors are irrelevant. They are serving and we are here for it.

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

These are characters that should fall lower in the rankings, but their sexual prowess supersedes their inherent awfulness to a noteworthy degree.

Full list below the read more. Obviously it's not going to be sfw.

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

Dragonkin Soldier:

Mindless beast

Astel, Naturalborn of the Void

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Fia's Champions:

Ghosts, simps.

Regal Ancestor Spirit

Animal

Erdtree Avatar

A plant

Great Wyrm Theodorix

Mindless beast.

Ulcerated Tree Spirit

A plant, no junk

Tibia Mariner:

Skeleton

Red Wolf of the Champion:

Animal.

Full-Grown Fallingstar Beast

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Abductor Virgin

First off, just some snakes in a robot. Second, virgin.

Erdtree Burial Watchdog

Stone gargoyle

Crystalians

Non-organic

Mad Pumpkin Heads

Unable to consent due to madness.

Cemetery Shade

Unable to consent due to mind controlling parasite.

Spirit-Caller Snail

Animal

Runebear

Animal

Miranda the Blighted Bloom

A plant

Guardian Golem

Stone gargoyle

Starscourge Radahn:

Unable to consent due to madness

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Elden Beast:

Too catholic.

Sir Gideon Ofnir, the All-Knowing:

Dick game weak - unironically posts joker memes.

Omenkiller:

Basically a cop.

Necromancer Garris:

Killed his family, not a good husband.

Royal Revenant:

Won't stop screaming (in an unsexy way)

Godrick the Grafted:

Incel - Also all that murder and torture business but mostly the Incel stuff.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

Valiant Gargoyle:

Could probably have sex if it wanted to, but is kinda going through a lot right now. Ya know, that whole "Is made of several corpses mashed together" thing.

Malenia, Blade of Miquella:

Look, I ALSO wanted her to higher up on this list, but let's be honest here. Her body is rotting and falling apart, she just isn't up for sex in her current form. In her prime? She'd be top of the list. She's the daughter of Marika and Radagon, she'd be playing fuck/marry/kill with every warrior who crossed her path. (in that order)

Death Rite Bird:

I think it might be physically capable of sex, but is too busy burning corpses to bother with stuff like that.

Black Blade Kindred:

Same reason as the Valiant Gargoyle but you might have like 2% more of a chance because they are goth.

Maliketh, the Black Blade:

Would normally be a sex god, but is too religious. Probably took a vow about this sort of thing.

Morgott, the Omen King:

You kidding me? This guy has the same energy as a repressed youth pastor. He's gonna be a virgin till the day he dies. The dude sided with the same religious order that locked him a sewer and tried to kill him. He's not out there getting phone numbers he's too busy praying and judging others for their 'impure thoughts'.

Draconic Tree Sentinel:

Married to his job, also physically chained to his horse. He ain't taking off that armor anytime soon.

Wormface:

Too sad, leave him alone his face is full of worms.

Tree Sentinel:

Same as the Draconic Tree Sentinel but he's a tiny bit more naive so you might have a better chance.

Elder Dragon Greyoll:

Too sleepy, but still kinda a milf.

Grafted Scion:

There might be some genitals in there somewhere but I don't think they know how or even want to use them.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

Esgar, Priest of Blood:

No sense of hygiene, is always covered in blood (in an unsexy way)

Mohg, Lord of Blood:

This loser is dripping with all the least sexy bodily fluids and he has sharp horns sticking out of him. Even if you got him in bed you'd only enjoy like 5% of it. Plus you just know he'd be all needy afterwards and try to get you to join his MLM.

Borealis the Freezing Fog:

Too cold, not a snuggler.

Elemer of the Briar:

The armor stays ON during sex.

Kindred of Rot:

It's like all the worst possible aspects of alien biology, it won't be nearly as fun as you hoped.

Sanguine Noble:

Same as all the other Mohg followers, too sticky and too smelly.

Decaying Ekzykes:

He's sick right now, leave him alone.

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

Loretta, Knight of the Haligtree:

I'm sure she'd be a decent lover. Maybe a little overzealous but she'd has good intentions.

Grave Warden Duelist:

I mean these guys are hot and probably fuck like a truck but they are not the most caring lovers, also they are covered in live snakes so there is that.

Night's Cavalry:

If you like goth knights I'm sure they'd be fine.

Alabaster Lord:

Their skin probably feels like stone, but I bet they can pull off all sorts of freaky zero-g sex stuff if you ask them.

Onyx Lord:

Same as the Alabaster Lord but slightly more goth.

Fell Twins:

Once you get past the horns and stuff I bet the Omens are actually pretty good in bed, just watch out.

Demi-Human Queens:

I feel like all Demi-humans are pretty good lovers but their biology probably has some unexpected drawbacks.

Stonedigger Troll:

If you can get past the texture and the size I bet they could be decent in bed.

Flying Dragon Greyll:

A surprisingly unsexy dragon, but a dragon is a dragon and still worth at least a one night stand.

A dragon willing to kill racist magic users, earns them a few extra points.

Glintstone Dragon Smarag:

Beastman of Farum Azula:

On one hand the Beastmen probably have crazy mating skills, but they are also zombies, which detracts some points for all the decay.

Battlemage Hugues:

Contrary to popular belief, Wizards are not very good at sex. They spend all their time studying instead of partying, at least Hugues is willing to get his hands dirty.

Commander O'Neil:

Seems like a decent guy, but probably won't shut up about his time in the military. Also he is infected with scarlet rot so that might be a mood killer.

Bloodhound Knight Darriwil:

The bloodhound knights are probably pretty wild in bed if you can earn their loyalty, but good luck with that.

Adan, Thief of Fire:

The dude committed heresy, that has to earn him some sexy points.

Soldier of Godrick:

He's a good boy, he's doing his job so throw him a bone.

Flying Dragon Agheel:

One of the first dragons you encounter, so he earns some points for style.

Demi-Human Chief:

Same as the queens, but probably a bit rougher in bed.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

Lichdragon Fortissax:

A much sexier dragon, you know they were hooking up with Godwin. Only loses some points for all the death rot.

Crucible Knight Siluria:

A bit gloomy, but I bet the crucible knights can do all sorts of freaky stuff with their animal body parts.

Mimic Tear:

A slippery liquid shapeshifter, need I say more?

Commander Niall:

A way better guy than O'Niel, plus he just a bit more daddy energy.

Fire Giant:

Once you get past his size, his sadness and the giant fell god of destruction in his chest, I bet he's got something going on.

Ancient Hero of Zamor:

Gives me Hercules/Amazonian vibes, I could be into it.

Cleanrot Knight:

Lesbian activities detected.

Crucible Knight:

These guys have tails, horns, wings and big old throat sacks. Imagine the possibilities.

Glintstone Dragon Adula:

Has a sword. If you hear "Dragon holding a sword" and your pants aren't already off, we can't be friends.

Bols, Carian Knight:

He seems like a good boy.

Scaly Misbegotten:

I feel like the Misbegotten have some really interesting possibilities with their animal biology. I bet they have bonobo type societies and that could be fun.

Leonine Misbegotten:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Misbegotten Warrior:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

Crucible Knight Ordovis:

Has all the desirable traits of a Crucible Knight but I also imagine they are super into threesomes.

Perfumer Tricia:

She seems really nice, and would be a super attentive lover. Plus she probably has access to crazy drugs and could hook you up.

Nox Swordstress & Nox Priest:

You just know that the Nox were getting up to crazy hot and crazy unethical experiments in their underground cities. These two probably get up to some wild shit and they are inviting you to join them.

Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon:

As she is now, I bet she'd be too sad to really be in a relationship again. But she kept up with Radagon and you just know she has some tricks up her sleeves that could make you abandon the golden order.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

Dragonlord Placidusax:

Has two male heads and three female heads, imagine...

Ancient Dragon Lansseax:

Formed a whole freaky dragon/human cult and you just know they got into some eyes-wide-shut orgies behind those doors.

Godfrey, First Elden Lord (Hoarah Loux):

We all knew he'd be this high on the list. He was just a normal dude but he managed to keep pace with Queen Marika (Who is basically a goddess of fertility) for a good long while. He will fold you in half (on the battlefield and in the bedroom.)

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

Radagon of the Golden Order:

He sucks in all the worst ways, but I mean... You can't NOT. Both Radagon and Marika are the embodiment of evil but they managed to suck and fuck their way across an entire continent for generations. You HAVE to give a try at least once.

Godskin Duo:

Oh my god will it be awful with all those flayed human skins, but you know you are still gonna have to. They can stretch and do all sorts of freaky stuff with their bodies, plus they kill gods and nothing is sexier than heresy.

Vyke, Knight of the Roundtable:

The dude is a mad killer but... he can still probably get it, might as well give it a try.

God-Devouring Serpent / Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy:

Personally I wouldn't, he's a loser and will probably kill you. But he is also a giant snake made up of squirming hands doing all sorts of sexual experiments, I can't blame you if you want to give it a taste.

Black Knife Assassin:

They committed a whole lot of treason but the power of armored lesbians is too hard to resist.

Patches:

If you are already having sex with from software characters, you gotta give Patches at least one attempt. When you wake up he'll have robbed you, but you knew what you were getting into.

[stinkybrowndogs]

Setter Devouring his Bone

[otpadsis]

[essenceofarda]

When Arien took up the mantel of the sun, her younger sister, filled with jealousy and resentment, attempted to create her own sun to carry across the sky. She failed, however, her already crumbling corruption caused her to become something far darker, all consuming, and empty.

Or, Gothmog, as I imagine her, as a Black Hole, Supernova, Void.

[taliawinters]

Here you are at last, in a ruined and drowning world.

[possamble]

Ohh okay it's just a theory. Thank god. The thought of "him dying prompted the continent to lift" straight up didn't even occur to me. I 100% assumed the implication was that it started happening as soon as the dungeon was destroyed, it just took a few days to reach the surface (and a few days more after that to fully re-emerge, as is stated in canon)

[takonei]

I like Signus he's a funny man. thing. eldritch horror whatever. Make it human-ish like the rest

And now that I have the whole distortion gang I can put those guys in situations <3

(Some additional details about Signus's design under the cut!)

[poetessgio]

Dress weird — but only weird enough: you know what I mean, just apparently weird, not real weird, silly. Borderline humiliating. No one likes real weird: it means appearances mean nothing and I can't manipulate anyone, which is terribly uncomfortable. If you can, show us your skin also, as much of it as possible. It's cool to be very edgy, so dress weird, yes: ''break the cage of old traditions'', go out half naked (you're just a piece of meat anyways, so just go already). We could change your face a little as well, correct your nose, maybe? Bigger lips, now, yes? The filter looks better anyway, and you know it! Oh, don't worry, you can dress weirdly, baby, I mean.... If you're hot! Just... Be thin, I guess? It's not a spiritual fast, forget the feast, and look in the mirror, your waist needs a trim! But don't worry, you can still dress something weird: especially if your bag has a nice Big Name on it. What? You're doing this for man? Oh, don't be silly, real men don't even care about it. The only ones who do are the ones who are listening to me as well, all trapped, just like you. So do it for yourself— call it freedom, call it self-love, because destroying yourself is the reason why you're alive, didn't you know? At least, that is what we want you to think. So be our propaganda girl, be like they show on television, worship the deconstruction of humanism, and make it all cool and aesthetic; a soulless and pornographic act. Call other people perverts and ignore your own perversion by doing that; what do you mean you want to cry? Don't you know the rules this world is run by? Don't you want to be pretty to be loved? What do you mean... ''Did you put the teeth inside my gums when I was young?''

''Did you choose the colour of my eyes?''—what? ''How about the curve of my smile?''

Who is shining this light on top of my scars?

You know what?

You're fading.

reading tag list under the cut

Feels a bit weird to do this but here we go @caustic-splines @hersurvival@icantdance@poetici@informedimagining @thedayoftherae @sablewing @stumbling-through-time @burntblanc @lelestarmy @fairytaleinagem @remnantofabrokensoul @yakultstan @illarian-rambling

[a-ramblinrose]

✨🦄✨ Book Mail!!! ✨🦄✨

Did I need a 3rd copy of The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle? Yes! 

Well, no, probably not but I wanted one. Thus one last purchase from book depository before it closed for good. Getting my favorite bookmark from the final lineup was just a delightful bonus!

[daily-signus]

day 19: don't you think you should know better by now

[salthien]

someone stand behind me with a baseball bat and make me write up the post I've been meaning to make abt sif's hunger as a representation of their desperation for connection/touch/understanding. As soon as I get home

[theguardianofreality]

I drew abit,it isnt the best since i usually dont draw smaller sketches or drawings so its abit...childlike (the expressions).

I drew Yharim without his helmet,i cant remember where i saw a post with the face i drew but my memory is vague.Looks like he'll kill me the moment he sees me.

I drew a sigil that circles around ceaseless void,which prevents it from breaking free and wreaking havoc like the unstable portal it is.(A headcannon if you will)

Yharon is soft boi,i big fluffy dragon that is loafing.Also,i drew if he looked human,looks weird but eh,i'll maybe draw a full body in the future.

Calamitas,i didnt really have any ideas for ehr so i drew the first thing i came up with,floating in the air.

Permafrost looks funky,i dont know how to draw old people.

Doctor Bright-i mean,Draedon was the easiest,read a bit on the picture,mabye you find something interesting.(LORE?!!!).

D.O.G. is very hungry,feed him the soul of providence,woof.

Signus was...weird to draw,when i was trying to draw his face it looked way too soft,so i drew like a circle mouth or something.

Storm weaver preparing to strike,he makes a move,He is playing 'Intercontinental ballistic missile'.

Statis and Braelor were the last ones drawn,so they dont have much room.Statis was easier,but Braelor looks like a boy and not a man (i seriously need to practice drawing faces and expressions)

Ill maybe finish the permafrost plushie during next week,cant promise.

[touyasdoll]

no bc if dabi was ever caught and sentenced to death he would absolutely request your pussy as his last meal

[joshusten]

i finally caught up with MotH and i swear im rooting for gba to become a professional va so harddd 😭😭😭 like im hoping for the day i get to recognize his voice and see him in the voice credits for a video game or series or something im so serious rn

[laufire]

WE WILL DEVOUR THE NIGHT BY CAMILLA ANDREW – REVIEW

I had the honour to receive and ARC of this novel in exchange for an honest review.

This review might contain some vague spoilers of the novel, as well as reveal information pertaining to the first instalment of the series.

Camilla Andrew’s sequel matches, and then surpasses, the mastery of its predecessor. This second novel takes care to expand on the unique worldbuilding of the universe she created; it delights on taking the characters to their limits to show us new facets of them, always unafraid of showing either their ugliest sides, or their aspirational nature, as well as in including some additions to the familiar roaster that enrichen the story; and it ties it all together with a neat bow, using the lyrical prose the author has us accustomed to in order to elevate each already striking aspect of the tale.

The book starts thirty years after where “When the Stars Alight” left off, plunging us alongside Princess Laila, its lead, into the thorny political situation she’ll have to navigate. Andrew knows exactly how to showcase the interests of several characters and factions at once, portraying their clashes, their alliances, and everything in between and making us understand where they’re coming from, and how each small piece of the board might affect the outcome of the conflict between two opposing forces: the Solarites, maidens from the stars who rule Vysteria, and the Occassi in Mortos, a race with chaotic powers in a more hostile society.

This conflict is personified by the two central characters and their impossible romance: Laila and Darius, a bastard son now turned king. Their relationship is at the centre of the story, and the sequel more than did justice to their explosive beginnings and whirlwind courtship in WTSA. As someone who has always adored a good exes-to-lovers story, they kept me at the edge of my seat, getting me as worked up as they did with the rising tension, caused by their tumultuous history and the palpable dormant feelings still between them. The state of their dynamic at the end of the novel is one of the many things that builds the anticipation for the third and conclusive book.

Each of them has individual arcs that contribute to the darker bent the sequel takes. As someone who loves Laila, in particular, following her arc during these two books, seeing the changes she goes through, was immensely satisfying. After her actions in this book, she’ll be changed forever. And I love that the romance, far from detracting from her development, adds depth to it. Seeing her situation, knowing it in all its intimate details, I understand why she turns to Darius; why there is such an appeal to her on loving and being loved by the monstruous, and the strengths it gives her in other parts of her life. Not one single person in the entire book thinks the two of them together is a good idea, and that, to me, it’s part of the appeal: the absolute defiance of it, and the freedom it can represent for Laila… for now.

The other characters in the ensemble are not far behind on the development department, or any other. Characters already present in the first book, like Amira (Laila’s mother) and Lyra (her lionheart, her friend, her past lover) are pushed to the limit, as is their relationship with Laila, in complex ways I rarely get to enjoy among female characters. Let alone having so much care and attention destined to them, to the intricacies of their dynamics. There were other old favourites (and not so favourites!) that made their appearances to steer a lot of the exact kind of trouble (and fun) I want to see in my stories.

But the new additions are what has me most enamoured with this book. There’s Sabina, a young occasselle who doesn’t fit her society strict gender norms and struggles to navigate it; Elina, a medical practitioner in Soleterea that offers insight into that territory, and into the world of those human witches; or Sadik, the counterpoint to Elina and her tragic romance: a human man who, devoid of magic, has sook to obtain power in other ways.

Serafina, however, is the star among them. She’s Darius’s estranged mother, some whose presence still lingered despite her outward absence during the first book. She makes her first appearance in WWDTN, and she’s a hurricane that will leave nobody indifferent, inside or outside the story. Camilla Andrew dedicated a short novella to her origin story, “The Sanguine Sorceress”, which I heartly recommend to anyone who feels curious about her character. Or to those of us who appreciate morally ambiguous women and a good revenge tale.

And to conclude this review: I recommend “We Will Devour the Night” to those who enjoyed the first novel. For those who never read it, I’d recommend the whole series to anyone who gravitates towards luscious, descriptive prose; who appreciates a good doomed romance; and who craves more stories complex female characters and otherworldly, fantastical settings.

goodreads + storygraph

[nonexistent-tales]

to me, storm weaver is the youngest favorite child, ceaseless void is the oldest, less favored but well liked child, and signus is the middle child who I forget exists sometimes