#the worst thing ive ever said to my mum was 'fuck you'

[rebellum]

Okay I didn't wanna bother op by putting this in the tags of that last post I reblogged, the bitch daughter/bastard son post

But that is SO confrontational that it's FASCINATING for me

Like I can't imagine anyone in my family calling someone else a bitch. Even on my dad's side of the family, which is relatively mean, where my dad DEFINITELY things my aunt is a massive bitch.

I wanna put that op's mom under a michael scope and study her. What could possibly inspire you to call your child a bitch. Over PANTS. Like over anything is wild. But over PANTS.!.????? I am fascinated.

[trashmouth-richie]

Ziggy you are a mum? Never knew that!

I try not to let all the tik tok mums get to me because i know half of it is scripted and fake for views but it does get to you sometime because boy do i not have my shit together compared to them.

What you said about losing your identity is real though, and trying to find that again whilst also being a mum is so freaking difficult.

And yeah these past few years since having my son have been the worst for my body image, like nothing is the same, and dropping the baby weight afterwards, even harder, like all I wear is over sized band tees and jeans basically, stopped dying my hair, rarely wear makeup etc

My writing on here is my escape, its where i can just be me and not have that mum label attached to me 24/7. But i am trying to find new ways to get back to me again this year and try get out of that post baby funk.

i am! my kids are 7 & 8 ❤️❤️

it is!!! like i feel like so much of our time is just worrying about whether the baby has this or that and if they’re happy and fed yknow? which duh is so important but you lose yourself in that process and it’s soooo sad and so hard to even realize that you’re just basically walking around like a zombie.

triggering content under the cut: depression, weight gain + loss, suicide ideation etc

i gained so much weight with my kids and being depressed it was terrible, i worked a job that’s i thought i loved but truly made me so miserable that i would have panic attacks on the way to work, throw up in my car, even thought about crashing my car so i wouldn’t have to go in.

i hated myself so so much i didn’t see the point in looking in mirrors or dressing nice.

now, i have a job where i can basically wear whatever i want so i take advantage of that, and it has helped so much. s4 of stranger things and joseph quinn have really opened my eyes to who i am and who ive been hiding away for yeeeears.

getting on the right medication, writing, finding good people to chat with that aren’t fucking insane dickesds— it all helped make me feel confident enough to want to have sex and to feel good and sexy while doing it.

tiktok moms make me feel so shitty lmaaao like? how are you that put together all the time? how do you enjoy scrubbing baseboards? i don’t get it, and a lot of the times i have to limit my time on tiktok because ill spiral out of control of hating myself.

truthfully— if it weren’t for lexapro and wellbutrin i wouldn’t be here today… i don’t do well with therapy but maybe that is something you could also look into?

i truly hope you find a good balance and are able to see the light out of the baby blues— im here if you ever wanna chat! i’m also on discord 😘

♥️♥️ don’t be a stranger

[heysolikeummyeahyaknow]

Best dream I ever had.

Buckle up coz it’s a wild one.

So Imagine some kind of medieval / Viking inspired setting. Myself and my high school friends are all some form of nobility and my friends mum is the queen. We’re all having a sleepover at my place and there is a war????? That we have to go to tomorrow morning. Now the “queen is telling us to go to bed early because we need to be up early etc. now I don’t much care for this person in the waking world so I say something along the lines of go fuck yourself, not fully aware of the consequences of insulting the queen of this dream realm. So because she’s the queen she’s like you’re not allowed to ride in the chariot like everybody else and you have to go into battle on foot like the rest of the peasant soldiers. So that fucking sucks.

But on top of that I accidentally sleep in. Everyone has already left and all the good weapons have been taken so I’m left with a garden hoe. Not ideal I know. So now I’m late and iv got a shitty weapon so what am I gonna do? Well I decide to take a short cut through the city to get to the battle field on time. But like not a medieval city. Like modern day city that I live in. Just a real quick short cut through time and space but anyway.

I’m walking through the city and I decide I need snacks so I stop by a seven eleven (not sponsored) and Lo and behold my dad and my sister are there robbing the place as like “father daughter bonding time”. So that’s cool I catch up with them for a bit before another guy comes in and points gun at the cashier and says “I’m robbing this place”. And the poor cashier who’s just having the worst day is like “I just gave everything to these guys”. So the 2nd thief just turns to my sister and dad and says “I’m robbing you then give me all you got” and my dads like “no piss off find your own seven eleven (not sponsored) we got here first” and the second thief is getting all aggressive towards my family so I just kill him a little bit with my garden hoe.

Now this starts some drama. Nobody cares that the seven eleven was robbed twice but the second I kill someone the cops show up. So now I’m on the run but may I remind you I really don’t have time for this because I’m late for the war. And to make matters worse I forgot to get snacks while I was at seven eleven (not sponsored).

So yeah I’m able to dodge the police pretty easily and manage to duck into Woolworths (not sponsored) for some snacks for the road but when I come out I’m completely surrounded by cop cars. Which is absolutely the last thing I need because I don’t have time for this I’m late for the war.

So I’m like fuck you guys and I just fly directly upwards. All the cops are trying to grab my feet but I’m just floating up and up and up.

The last thing I remember before waking up is soaring over lush green fields looking for where the battle might be and I flew past a country kid sitting out on a verandah and he saw me and said “what the fuck is that!?” And I replied “what the fuck are you”

and then I woke up feeling like the funniest person on the planet.

[writingsfromhome]

Bad Timing IV

A/N: To all the soft hearted crybabies requesting it: here’s part 4 to dry your tears from part 3. Thanks for all the interaction with this series, you guys are the best! <3<3<3<3

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

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I take my coffee to the little patio in the backyard of my childhood home, breathing deeply. It was a couple weeks since the traumatic incident at the bank, the one where I nearly died and found a way to live again. The higher ups practically begged me to take paid leave, I had a feeling they just didn’t want me to take anything to court. I’d told them I would take the month, and knew I would hand in my resignation thereafter. I enjoyed my job as much as the next person but it was too much for me. It felt like closing a door on a chapter of my life that I wanted to move on from.

And now, I could truly relax, I wasn’t running away from anything for the first time in my life. After everything that happened in that small restroom at the back of the bank, Harry and I came to a peace. And I’d only moved on from there.

“You’re up early,” my dad comes into view, a cup of tea in hand. “Your flight doesn’t leave until tonight right?”

“Yeah, just thought I would appreciate the views before I go back to a city,” I move my feet off the chair so he could sit.

“You can come here anytime.”

“I know,” I wrap my hands around my mug. “Coming here it just...reminds me of mum. And it’s hard...”

“This is how I stay connected to her,” he pats the table between us. “She loved this place, her garden and those darn birds she fed all the time.”

“You feed them now,” I look to the birdfeeder filled lovingly to the brim with seeds.

“I do it because...” he says quietly. “It’s what she would want.”

I think about my mum, what she would want. It hurt when I thought about how she left me, married and happy in love. And then how much hurt I went through, always wishing she was there. In some way I know she knew--wherever she was. But I wish I could hear her, I wish I could have a love like she had.

“So, when do I get to meet this new boy of yours?” My dad asks.

“Dad, you know his name’s Alec.”

“I would if I met him, put a face to the name.”

I roll my eyes, my dad was a bit overprotective after everything that’s happened in my life. I think he felt guilty in a small way, him and Harry always got on--we teased them about their bromance. He was just as blindsided as me. But I’d told my dad everything that happened the first night I came over. He hadn’t judged, just listened, hugged me tightly, and left to make me a cup of tea. That was the most expressive my dad got.

After Alec took me back from from the hospital, I asked him to stay. And he had stayed since, making it official from casual to dating. It was scary but life was too short to hold back I had learned. I had to hold onto a good thing when I had one.

As for Harry, he hadn’t called me since that day he visited me. I’d left him a couple texts--when I was discharged home, and again to ask him how he was doing a week later. He’d sent a thumbs up and that was it. I thought we were okay, but he blew me off even when I tried to call him. It hurt a little, but I’d been so busy packing and getting on, that I let him be for now. I would wait until after visiting my sister to find out where his head was at.

H’s POV

It’s been nearly a month since I walked out of Y/N’s hospital room, and we’d just about tied all the lose ends from the case. The only thing about it all that lingered on my mind was Y/N. I missed her more than I had all these years apart, but I sat in the ache of wanting. It was time I catch up to the consequences of my past actions. I turned to writing, starting again after years of thinking I no longer had a passion for it. It felt freeing.

She’d texted me, called me too. I tried not to respond even though everything in me wanted to pick up the phone and ask her out to dinner, invite her over for a movie, ask her if she wanted to take my car and drive out somewhere like we used to after exams in uni. But I let her be, imagining that she was happy somewhere. With Alec, or whoever she wanted to be with.

The last thing I expect, is for her to be standing outside my station late Thursday night.

“Y/N?” I almost don’t recognise her. Gone was her stern bun and smart suit. Strands of her hair frame her face, like a piece of art on display. She has on a loose jumper and tights, a bum bag strapped across her chest that she roots through for something.

“Harry!” she drops her hands. “I’ve only been waiting here for...20 minutes, when your receptionist said your shift ended?”

“I had to finish up some paperwork. Why didn’t you call me?.”

“It’s not like you would’ve answered.” her hands on her hips, attitude dripping from every inch of her. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“You look different,” I dodge the topic.

“I know,” she zips up her bag. “I had the month off, officially resigned today. I have absolutely nowhere to be. So I’m looking the part.”

“It looks good,” I say truthfully. She looked relaxed, like the Y/N I used to know. “You quit your job?”

“I had enough of that bank,” she shrugs. “I went to see my dad for a bit, and visited my sister. She’s doing well.”

“Ah,” I was glad she’d taken a break. She was glowing. “Seriously Y/N, you look really good.”

“You,” she points her finger at me. “Are not allowed to say things like that after ghosting me. I thought we...came to an understanding. You left me again.”

I open my mouth to say something, but her words hit me. She was right, I’d left her again. Fuck.

“Yeah,” she crosses her arms when I go speechless. “You admitted to your mistakes, apologized, and then left me. How do you think that’s made me feel?”

“I thought it was best if I left you alone,” I walk out of the way from the entrance and she follows me to my car, parked in the lot. “I just wanted to give you space--a chance at being happy.”

She scoffs, leaning against the driver’s side door. “Thought it was best for who, Harry? Who are you to define my happiness? It would’ve been nice just to hear you were doing okay!”

“I’m sorry!” I stumble for another excuse but I come up with none. “The truth is, seeing you with Alec that day I...it was hard for me. I couldn’t be around you like that.”

“What’s that mean?”

“I...” I look at her, looking at me expectantly. She was a woman with an agenda, she had come here looking for answers and wasn’t going to leave until I gave them to her. “I want you to be happy, all that shite. You can’t do that with me around. And it’s hard for me seeing you with someone else...I can’t stand to be in your life like that. Where I’m just...your ex.”

“So you’re saying, it took me nearly dying for you to realize?” Her eyebrow quirks up.

“In a way,” I huff. “It just, took me being around you to remember what I left, when we ended things. It also made me realize the mess I left behind-”

“Don’t you dare feel sorry for yourself,” she calls me out like nobody else could. It makes me laugh nervously and she takes it the wrong way. “Don’t laugh, I’m serious! I’ve felt sorry enough for the both of us for years. And maybe Y/N from a month ago would’ve wanted you to suffer a little bit, but not anymore. This last month...I’ve just felt so free and happy Harry. I get what you mean now, I get it. And I’m alright.”

“That’s great, I’m happy for you Y/N.”

“Yeah, I mean I get it, but you did go about it in the worst possible way-”

“I know.”

“I’m not done,” she pushes my shoulder. “Anyway, just because you did some shitty stuff, you don’t deserve to suffer okay? Move on. Onward. Not backwards.”

I’m taken aback again when she pushes herself off my car and wraps her arms around my shoulders. I slowly envelop her into me, savoring the feel of holding her even if it’s just for a moment.

“You deserve happiness,” she says in my ear. “If that means ghosting me, I won’t fight it. You just...have to let me know.”

“That’s not called ghosting,” I say as she separates herself from me. I want to pull her back but I stuff my hands in my pockets.

“Potato potato,” she waves her hand. “I should go. Just...take care of yourself Harry.”

Y POV (1 year later):

“That’s wonderful news,” I smile at my client who gathers their materials back into their portfolio. “I’ll have my assistant forward the contract over tonight. I look forward to working with your team.”

I shake hands and watch them leave the room before collapsing into my chair. I knew starting your own business was hard, but this last year was a bumpy road. I’d started my own consultation business, and only had two clients. This was my first big-deal contract I’d signed; I was promised two whole years with this team!

I reach for my phone to tell Alec, but I remember we weren’t talking. Well, I wasn’t speaking to him--he’d told me last night before my big meeting that he’d been offered a promotion at work. But the catch was it was in the Edinburgh offices “which works out perfectly for us! Your sister lives there, we can visit them often...what do you think?”

I’d been so angry then. Firstly, he’d sprung the news on me the night before a big day, and second he’d already made the decision for us. I was so angry I’d just gone quiet, and told him I had a big meeting the next morning.

My fingers itch though, to tell someone. My fingers hover over Harry’s name.

Every since I confronted him last year at work, he disappeared again but not completely. He texted me a few times, once on my birthday, another during a heat wave in the city asking me if I wanted to grab drinks. I wasn’t available and he hadn’t really texted me since. I knew he was a phone call away, and he knew the same of me. Yet neither of us ever picked up the phone to call each other. I wasn’t sure why, but we were still giving each other space.

Well fuck it, I think. I call him and he picks up on the fourth ring.

“Y/N?”

“Hey, are you busy?”

“Uh no--hold up, wait. Not you...Sorry Y/N give me a second.”

I bite my lip, he could be at work, I should’ve texted him.

“Hey,” Harry’s tone is different now, softer and the background noises quiet to almost nothing. “Sorry it was so loud in there, we’re celebrating a birthday--Serena, the receptionist you remember?”

“Oh yeah,” I have a vague picture of her in my head. “Don’t let me keep you from the festivities-”

“Why did you call? S’no big deal, I’m not a big cake person anyway.”

“Ooh, cake? Eat a slice for me, I don’t get enough sweets living with a health nut...” I trail off realizing who I was talking to.

“I’ll save you one if you swing by?” Harry suggests after a beat of awkward silence. Another second passes as I consider what he’s asking: he wanted to see me.

“Uh, okay! You don’t have to ask me twice,” I grin, a strange bubble of excitement making it’s way through me. “My office is actually not too far from your station. I’ll walk it.”

“Your office? Where are you these days?” Harry asks as I slip my bag over my body and head out the door. I was exactly an 8 minute walk from his station--I’d mapped it when I found the place cheap online.

“I’m renting a whole office! It’s all very professional--I mean it’s like, one and a half rooms..oh and I have to share the toilets with the whole floor-”

“That’s good, so there’s no way you’ll be caught dead in there if you’re sharing it with the floor,” I hear the laugh in his voice.

“That’s a very insensitive thing to say,” I scold him.

“It’s been a year, c’mon Y/N.”

“We almost died!”

“We weren’t going to die. You’re alive right now!”

“Thanks to a really bad detective and a toilet seat,” I say and relish at the sound of Harry’s laugh on the other end of the line.

“That’s not how you thank someone who saved your life,” Harry finally says when he’s done laughing.

“You didn’t save my life, I was never going to die in the first place remember?”

“Touche,” he laughs. “Get over here faster, I want to see your face.”

“I’m trying!” I speed up. The background noise grows louder on his side again and he apologises. “S’alright. Anyway I just called cuz I had good news and nobody to share it with immediately.”

“Tell me.”

“Long story short, I started my own consulting firm! Finance advice--stuff like that, and I signed my first long-term contract! With an actual client not just for like, a project! I’m-” I squeal, I couldn’t help it. “It’s such a big deal for me I’ve been struggling just breaking ever since I started up.”

“Y/N I’m getting you the whole bloody cake for that,” Harry says. I finally turn the corner to his station, nearly jogging at this point.

“Only if Serena doesn’t mind.” I joke.

“In that dress, who would mind,” he says. I pause on the street, he could see me. I squint but he’s nowhere in sight. And then there, he steps out from the steps and waves. I don’t bother taming the smile on my face and neither does he.

“I see you Detective,” I shout.

“I saw you first!” He shouts.

In an instant we’re rushing towards each other, bodies crashing as I wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze hard. It felt like a reunion.

“How did we go this long without seeing each other,” I say when we pull apart. “I’ve actually missed you.” With the closure between us and no baggage weighing our memories down, I’d actually begun to feel nostalgic about Harry every time I thought about us--usually the friendship, not quite the marriage.

“I don’t know,” Harry pulls me close to him again. “I think we gave each other too much space this time around. We’ve got to find a better middleground.”

“I think we’re standing on it.” I joke.

“Hey, Styles!” A voice calls from the entrance. “Stop snogging your girl and come back in here. Serena’s wondering why you’re running away from her big day.”

“I’m not snogging anybody,” Harry calls back. “And I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Bring her with ya, we’ve got plenty of cake!”

Harry looks down at me and I raise an eyebrow. “You think they’ll let me have more than a slice?”

“I’m their commanding officer, I can tell them to let you have as many as you want.”

“Lead the way,” I grin, half excited to see Harry and half excited for the baked goods. Harry grabs my hand and leads me in. Unfortunately, enough people recognize me from the bank heist that Harry has to explain we’ve known each other for a while. Fortunately, enough people remember me to ply me with sweets to make up for Harry screwing up my case. I have zero complaints and celebrate the day with free cake.

H’s POV

My phone vibrates with Y/N’s text, she was here for lunch. Ever since she called me a couple weeks ago and we decided we couldn’t live without staying in contact, we tried to pop over for lunch whenever we could. It felt like old times. Being Y/N’s friend again was what I was missing out on. I was finally living the version of my life that felt right. I had a bounce in my step, I felt happy when I woke up. Even my officers teased me, trying to allude that I was getting some until I threatened them with paperwork. But I was brighter at work too.

I text Y/N that I would be a few minutes more, and when I finally go into the lobby to meet her she’s having a conversation with Serena.

“Man of the hour,” Serena says as I walk up. “Your girl’s here.”

“I can see that, thank you.” Serena insisted on calling Y/N that despite telling her multiple times we weren’t together.

“Serena was just telling me all the wild things she got up to for her sixty-fifth,” Y/N winks at Serena. I didn’t want to be part of that conversation so I drag her by the arm out of the station.

We walk in silence towards a small sandwich shop around the corner from us. I grab her swinging hand to catch her attention, and she gives me a small smile before turning away. But she keeps her hand in mine.

She’s unusually quiet, and I wait until after we’ve ordered to broach the subject. Before I could, she blurts out: “Alec's got to give his final answer today.” I nearly choke on my sandwich. She’s told me her predicament last week when I noticed she looked upset and wouldn’t let her be until she told me. I was gutted, but it didn’t seem like she wanted to go.

“I...that means, hm.” I gather my thoughts--and all my emotions too. “Have you decided if you’re...moving with him?”

“I dunno, this is an amazing job offer. I could be closer to my sister too but...I just don’t know. My life’s in London, my new practice too. How can I leave it all?”

“That’s tricky,” I say even though deep inside I was relieved it sounded like she wasn’t going. “Couldn’t you just move your practice there? Travel to London when you had meetings? You could always stay with me if you needed.”

She huffs, there was more she wanted to say but she keeps it in. I push her to open up. “It’s just, he sprang this on me a couple weeks ago and he just expected me to follow him. I love him, I do. But that’s asking a lot! It’s only been a year or so, and it’s nice to know he’s serious enough about me to want me to go with him. I just...”

“And we only just reconnected again,” I try to sound lighthearted but when she looks at me I can tell she knows I feel more than I’m letting on.

“Can you imagine?” She raises her eyebrow. “If I told him I’m staying because I just reconnected again with my ex...”

“Ex-husband makes us sound older than we are.”

“We are old,” she puts her sandwich down and sighs. “You wear orthopedic shoes Harry.”

“I won’t take offense to that,” I look down at my shoes. They were comfortable on the job. “So...I’m not factored into your decision at all? Whether you want to stay or not?”

I see the emotion in her eyes; she was conflicted. “I dunno,” she finally says.

“Don’t let me hold you back,” I say even though I wanted to beg her to stay. “You love him right? Maybe you should...”

She stares ahead, her face falling. I knew Y/N’s face before a cry, so I reach my hand out and clasp hers over the table. She squeezes my hand once before removing it, I felt like I did something wrong.

“Anyway,” her face brightens up again, though the look in her eyes stays. “I watched that new movie you recommended and it was awful...”

She changes the subject swiftly, and I don’t object. I didn’t know how to tell her to stay without being selfish, and I didn’t know how to tell her it was okay to go and act like I was telling her the truth.

But near the end of my shift, the evening receptionist buzzes me she was letting my girlfriend through. I don’t bother correcting her.

“Hey Y/N!” one of my officers calls out to her when she walks into the floor. “We’re all planning on throwing you a party.”

“For what?” She stops by his desk. I notice Detective Cole eyeing her, before joining in.

“He actually has a life now, he’s usually a lot more bossy with us.”

Y/N turns to me, eyebrow raised. “I’m afraid the party’s a little premature. But I’d never say no to cake.”

My heart sinks, she was going. I watch her walk towards me and she notices my expression, the smile is gone from her face by the time she reaches me.

“I told Alec I would try it out, 6 months. See how it goes...I can see my sister more often, help her out with my niece...” It sounds like she’s coming up with excuses to justify herself to me.

“That’s...” my words get stuck in my throat, the lie was too big to get out. “Your sister will love that.” I settle with. I take her hand and walk her out to a more private hallway. “When do you leave.”

“Two weeks,” she bites her lip. “I-I’m gonna miss you Harry. We just got into a flow and-”

“We’ll still talk.” I pull her in, I couldn’t bear to watch her face fall apart in front of me. And I didn’t want her to see my own face crumbling. I tuck her under my chin, “We’ve got phones, and you’ll be in London sometimes for work right? We won’t be like before, we’ll still talk.”

I know she can feel my heart racing, and I want her to know what she was doing to me because my mouth can’t seem to tell her. I hold her for a little longer, and when she goes, I know my unit won’t be throwing any parties for her in a while.

Three Months Later:

I’m in bum mode by 8pm that Friday. I’d had a long week, a tough case with no breaks and finally had an evening off so I changed into sweats the second I got home, taken a hot shower and washed the week off.

The knock on the door surprises me. The peephole doesn’t distinguish who’s outside, a hood covering their face. I decide to open the door, to find a teary Y/N hundreds of miles from home.

“Y/N-”

“I wanted you to tell me to stay.” she says to me immediately. Her tears continue dripping onto her cheeks. I stare in confusion, wondering for a moment if my lack of sleep had caused me to hallucinate her.

“Wha-”

“When I told you about the move...you told me I should go. I wanted you to tell me to stay Harry! I thought you would’ve told me to stay.”

I move aside silently, so we weren’t having a conversation where my neighbours could hear.

“How was I supposed to know that?”

“I don’t know!” she throws her bag, coat, and phone down on the floor in a heap. “You just were! I thought when I told you, you would say-”

“I didn’t want to tell you what to do with your life based on what I wanted! I thought I already established that!” Suddenly we’re arguing.

“You never had an issue before!”

“Well look where it lead us,” I move away from the door and back to where I was previously relaxing on the couch.

“A country apart!” She’s hot on my heels. “Didn’t you want me to stay?”

Some part of me is still completely confused what was going on, but Y/N’s fiery frustration overflows into my cup and an invisible force pours it down my throat.

“Yes. Yeah! Of course I wanted you to stay!”

“So why didn’t you say that?” She cries.

“I was trying not to be selfish!”

“Well you just pick the worst times to be selfish!”

“I never said I was good with my timing.” I mumble.

“Don’t treat me like-like some fragile porcelain Harry!” Y/N gets right into my face. “I’m not! I’m different, I’ve grown from that fragile place. I don’t need you walking on eggshells around me, I just want you to be honest!”

“When am I not honest?” I shout back.

“You haven’t been honest with me for months! Just say what you feel Harry, stop bloody holding back all the time! I just want the real you!”

“Fine!” I explode. “I love you Y/N! I love you so much it physically hurts me to be near you and not be able to hold you. I want to be able to kiss you like I used to, I want to go back in time and warn myself to get it right! I want to tell you how amazing you are and how sorry I am every day. I can’t! We’ve both got our own lives! I’m not being dishonest I just don’t want to fuck with your life again! I’ve accepted that I’m nothing more than an ex and your best friend!”

That stops her in her tracks. Her chest heaves as she swipes at her cheeks, and then she pushes her hands into my chest. I stumble but catch myself. She pushes me again, big tears rolling down her cheeks, and I stumble onto the couch. She turns and paces to the door and back.

“What are you even doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in Edinburgh?” I finally ask the question I should’ve asked the second I saw her.

“Sure,” she throws herself onto the seat next to me and buries her face in her hands. “I...I didn’t want to be there. I just had to leave, and I couldn’t stand my sister going on about what a catch Alec was. How I should feel lucky. I had to get away. I never should’ve left London...I just thought maybe Alec was my chance at a fresh happy future, and you told me to go so I thought you didn’t want me to stay. But I fucked up there too, and I just had to go. And I came here with nowhere else--I can’t even live in my own home for three more months...”

She trails off. It was a lot of information to process. I don’t know how long we stay on the couch like that, a foot apart in silence.

“Everyone I know will probably think I’m just an idiot for coming here of all places, but this was the only place that made sense because I--Harry I think I...” She glances at me. “I...”

“I know,” I say after she struggles to say what she wanted to say. But I knew.

“But I feel so guilty, I’m doing to him what you did to me...it’s not fair.”

I didn’t think about it like that, I realise. But this situation was more complicated than that, I tell her. We had history, she’d moved to a whole new country for him, he must know somewhere Y/N didn’t actually want to move. But the parallels between her situation and ours are clear as day. I don’t know what to say.

“Stay the night,” I put a hand on her thigh. She doesn’t move it off. “Get some sleep, when you wake up tomorrow, make your decision. You know how I feel...and you know how you feel.”

“You’re right,” she lays her hand on top of mine. I thread my fingers through hers and hold on. Her puppy eyes tear me apart, I want to gather her in my arms and kiss her misery away. But I don’t want to add to her guilt.

“Let me get you something to eat, you’re probably hungry.” holding her hand was getting painful. I leave her alone in the living room, so she could collect herself. If someone told Harry three years ago this was where I would end up, he would’ve laughed in their face.

Y POV:

I couldn’t believe I did that, I think as I sit on the 5 hour ride back to Edinburgh. I felt untethered yesterday, after arguing with Alec all week because I was just miserable when I wasn’t in London. My sister’s pressure to be happy with what I had, I felt like I had no one to turn to who would understand me. And that had driven me into Harry’s arms, the train ride there fueling my frustration and anger. It had accidentally exploded in Harry’s direction when I got to his place but I was glad for it. He’d told me how he felt. And it was complicated as hell for me but somewhere deep inside, I knew where this was leading.

When I get back home to a worried Alec, we sit down and have a hard conversation. It breaks my heart leaving him, but after one last night together I pack most of my things and head to my sisters. The irony isn’t lost of me, hers was exactly where I went to when Harry and I split.

My sister tries to be supportive but I by the time the three months are over, I feel suffocated with her overprotective nature, and the full house she lived in.

“You’re just going to do what you want to do aren’t you?” She asks the day she drops me back off to the station. I’d spent the rest of the three months at hers--I couldn’t go back home to my house anyway and something about going back to London for another man felt wrong. I’d seen Alec a few times in those months. The last time was last night, we’d shared a few drinks and maybe some kisses. But it was a final goodbye last night, heavy but final.

“I don’t want to be a bad person,” I say. “I just don’t want to feel stuck somewhere because I feel bad.”

“You’re not a bad person,” my sister brushes my hair behind my shoulder as she hugs me tight. “I love you. Mum would be so proud of you for following your heart, you always did play it too safe.”

“I guess my rebellious phase just came a little late.”

“Ever since you met that Harry guy, you quit your stable job and haven’t been the same since,” she wags her finger at me like a stern maternal figure. She breaks character when she laughs and hugs me again. “M’gonna miss having you here. The kids loved having their aunt around.”

“I’m sure they’re happier having their play room back.” I joke to cover up how sad I felt leaving them too. Even though most days felt like we were walking all over each other, it felt like growing up in our small childhood home again; a nice reset before I headed back to London.

The train ride goes by quickly, and I settle back into my home over the weekend, getting my furniture out of storage and cleaning up after the last tenants. I’d been gone only 6 months but the second I walked through the door, I knew I was home again.

Letting Harry know I was back makes me nervous so I put it off for the week. I show up at his flat the following Saturday, wringing my hands as I wait for him to answer. I didn’t even know if he was home.

“Y/N,” a shocked voice says as I turn to walk away. Harry studies me as I stand awkwardly in his hall. “You’re back.”

I hear what he doesn’t say: you never called me after you showed up three months ago. and what happened to you?

“Hey,” I brush past him into his flat, fiddling with my jacket as he locks the door. “I’m back in London.”

“I can see that.” He eyes me. “Alone?” He asks, and again I hear the words he doesn’t say.

“Alone,” I smile. “I just needed...time to figure things out. I’ve been staying with my sister.”

“Full house?” He says, knowing it before I had to say it.

“So full,” I laugh, and just like that everything is okay. He takes my jacket from me and hangs it in his closet, like he knew I was going to stay a while. “There were too many mornings when I woke up to my niece just staring at me, waiting for me to wake.”

“Aw, they must miss you now.”

“Yeah,” I follow him through to his living room. I remember the last time I was here, sort of embarrassing looking back. “I was missing London though. And...you.”

He looks up. “Are you-”

“Harry,” I swallow what I need to say. His gaze is laser-sharp and it’s slightly intimidating to admit something like this. I’d given my heart to him before, and here I was giving it again after I’d spent years healing from what he did to it. It felt right, but also foolish. I guess love would always feel a little foolish.

“Y/N,” he says after I don’t say anything.

“So,” I walk up to where he stands near the window, the afternoon sun illuminates his handsome face. I reach up to touch it, no longer able to keep my hands to myself when he was so close. My breath catches as he closes his eyes against my palm, his lashes casting shadows on his cheeks.

“Y/N,” he keeps his eyes closed, like I would disappear if he opened them.

“I’m finally home,” I tell him, feeling the familiar lump in my throat as my eyes tear up. He opens his eyes then, they’re also pooling with unshed tears. It makes me laugh; he arches a brow. “We’re both here, in each other’s arms finally and...we’re crying.”

“We’re not a very typical pair, are we?”

“Nothing typical about us.” I say and he chuckles, kissing my wrist. My heart stutters in my chest.

“You’re either crazy or just incredibly forgiving, giving me a second chance at this.” Harry says outright.

“It’s us I’m giving a second chance to,” I slide my hands up, locking them around his neck.

“D’you think we’ll get the timing right this time?” He whispers as he lowers his face.

“We better,” I keep my eyes on his mouth, the one I’ve thought about kissing for the last three months. And then, finally, his lips are on mine and I nearly cry out of relief having him in my arms. Harry, being my Harry again.

His hands clench the fabric around my waist as he pulls me closer to him, his lips leave mine and he kisses my cheek, my jaw, my temple, before he crushes me to him.

“Harry I-” I couldn’t breathe, but my strained voice gives that away and he lets me go. I’m surprised to see the tears now trailing down his face. “You’re crying,” I swipe at the fallen tears.

“I’m just so happy,” he takes my hands off his cheeks and clasps them against his chest. “Y/N I’ve only dreamed of this, I didn’t think the universe cared enough about me to let me have this reality.”

“You and your poetry,” I smile.

“I guess you’re my muse,” He pulls me back to him, this time in a sweeter kiss that lingers. Tears pool in my own eyes as my heart tries to process the enormity of emotions I was feeling. “C’mere, I just want to hold you.”

He leads me to the couch and I lay down next to him. We take in each other, face to face, the grins reflected on both of us is impossible to wipe off.

“I love you Y/N, to the sun and back.”

“Isn’t it the moon and back?” I ask.

“Sun’s further out,” he smiles like he was expecting the question. I laugh, he kisses the tip of my nose and pulls my leg over his, his arm snaking around my waist so I’m snug against him.

“What am I gonna do with you Styles,” I brush one of his curls back.

“You’ve got forever to figure that out,” he says simply. My heart races at the thought. We’d bungled the first round we spent together, but after all these years apart I had a feeling that we really would have forever this time around.

With all the emotions fluttering inside of me, all the baggage unpacked and out of sight, and Harry’s loving expression looking back at me; I believed in us.

1.5 Years Later (H’s POV):

The house is quiet when I get in--it was half past 11 and I knew Y/N was probably asleep. I texted her a couple hours ago I would be home soon but time had slipped away as I worked. I hoped she wasn’t upset.

I move stealthily through the hall, eventually making my way to our bedroom where she lays sleeping. She’d left the lamp on beside her, and I move around to her side so I can close it. I notice the open book beside her--she fell asleep while reading it again. I set it down on the drawers and tuck her hand into the covers, the subtle diamonds on her finger glows yellow under the soft lamp light. Just looking at the engagement ring sparks a rush of love for the woman before me.

Y/N had surprised me a couple months ago when she proposed to me. We’d were dating again for almost a year and a half--this time it really felt like we’d gotten the timing right on our relationship. We were happier and more in love than we’d ever been. During a candlelit dinner one night, she had pulled a chair up beside me and presented me with the ring and an ultimatum.

Apparently she’d noticed that I was always on edge--like I was waiting for her to realize that she didn’t actually forgive me for all the awful things I put her through. And she was right, but it wasn’t until she said it out loud that I realized it was an anxiety I had. I was waiting for her to realize she could do better than me--leave me the way I left her. But she proposed to show me she wasn’t going anywhere, and she showed me her own ring her father gave her--her mum’s ring. 

I was blown away by her observant love, again, how she knew me better than I knew myself. I reassured her I wasn’t going anywhere either, not now or ever. And we decided we didn’t want to set any dates, we were taking it slow. Being engaged was a promise and that was all for now. I wanted to live up to Y/N’s standard, give her and her family a reason to trust me again--not only would they kill me if I ever did anything to her, but I’m pretty sure my own family would kill me too. They were over the moon when they found out we were giving it another go.

“Harry?” Y/N mumbles as I slip under the covers a little while later.

“Sorry for coming home so late,” I whisper. “I got a bit carried away with the case.”

“What’s new,” she shifts to face me, the moonlight from the windows barely illuminating her face. “M’just glad you’re home.”

“Me too,” I pull her towards me. Home, it was this house we’d moved into last year. But mostly, it was this beautiful woman in my arms who opened her heart to me despite everything. I don’t know how I got so lucky. I tell her that.

“S’not luck,” she mumbles. “The universe--our stars are finally aligned.”

“My star was pretty dim, I’m surprised yours found it.” I tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her temple. “You found it by luck.”

“No. Your star’s always burned the brightest in my universe,” she tucks her face into my neck. “Even when I didn’t want it to be, it was still noticeable.”

“You outshine me in every way in mine,” I lean away so I can hold her face close, resting my forehead on hers. “I love you so much.”

She smiles in the dark, and leaves a kiss on the corner of my mouth. “I love you, and I’d love you more if you came home on time.”

I chuckle, “I’ll try. Tomorrow.”

“Mhm,” she says sleepily. I’d let her sleep, I think as I pull her leg over mine and hold her against my chest. Even though I hated coming home by the time she was asleep, finding her in our little safe space, and being able to hold her close as we fell asleep was my favourite part of the day.

***

The day is nearly over but the paperwork on my desk says otherwise. I sigh and slump in my chair, this was the worst part of my job.

I begin filling it out, and I’m not even halfway through when the phone rings. Serena’s on the other line, “Styles, your patient fiancee is here for you. I don’t think she’s staying patient for long though.”

I tell her I’d be out, smiling as I put down the phone. Y/N was making sure I kept my word from last night, and I would. For her, I would get in extra early tomorrow just to be sure I had the evening with her tonight.

“So when do I get the invitation to the wedding?” I hear Serena say as I walk out to the lobby. She’s putting on her coat to leave and Y/N’s bundled up herself. “And then when do I get to see the mini Styles’? I better be around to see them!”

Not many would, but I notice the slight tension in Y/N’s shoulders at the sensitive topic. I step in.

“You’re worse than my mum,” I tell her. “And she’s actually going to be the grandmother.”

“We just want to see our babies’ babies before we bite the bullet!” Serena shrugs, walking out from behind the counter. “I’ll see you tomorrow Harry, Y/N it was lovely seeing you as always.”

We wave her off, and then I wrap my arm around Y/N and we walk out to my car.

“That’s the first question everyone continues to ask me,” Y/N says as we walk. “When the date is.”

“Does that bother you?” I check in.

“A little, but only because it leads to even more questions when I say we haven’t set a date.”

We get into the car, and I ask her the other question I wanted to know: “And the baby thing? Does that...bother you?”

She turns her body to look at me, tilting her head as she tries to read me. “It doesn’t...does it bother you?”

“No,” I say honestly. “I’m happy where we are. All that stuff can...come after. I’m just-I’m happy with you.”

“Good talk then,” she grins. I can’t help but lean over for a kiss then.

“Well I don’t mind the baby making part,” I tell her. “But I think the actual babies can wait.”

She pushes me away as her cheeks flush like we hadn’t been dating and married and dating again for over ten years. “Sometimes I think you’ve just got one thing on your mind.”

“Yeah,” I say as I start the car. “That’s you.”

“Is that what distracted you so bad when you were working on my case? Because you were totally distracted and we almost died-”

“We were never going to die!” I say over her--this was a common topic of conversation between us.

“I was going to bleed out and die!” She tries to speak over me.

“Oh now you were going to bleed out? You were never dying!” I shout even louder. And we keep going for most of the way home until Y/N catches sight of a dog at a crosswalk and begins to coo at it through the window.

“Maybe we should get a dog,” she starts on another of our reoccurring topics. I sigh, ready to launch into why we should wait. And that’s how the rest of the ride home goes. Not that I minded, I could discuss the same topics with her over and over for eternity.

“You’re just threatened by a dog,” Y/N continues as we park and head up to our front door. “Because then my love would be split between both of you.”

“Yeah sure, that’s it.” I roll my eyes at her silly reasoning. But I still grab her hand in mine and kiss it as we walk in. My stomach flutters when she gazes at me as the door closes behind her.

“I’m going to wear you down soon,” she says as she takes my coat from me. I take them both out of her hands and leave them in a heap on the staircase, kissing her so she stops talking. She smiles against my lips, knowing that she was wearing me down, and I’d give her anything she asked for. Anything to make her happy. I loved her infinitely.

[aestheticallyunaesthetic17]

100 questions and answers

Who is your hero? Probably future me, i want to be able to grow up and be the better person that i hope they are, and the only way of knowing that is by making it happen.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? New Zealand, Canada or USA. I lived in TX for 3 months and loved it there and I have family in NZ and Canada.

What is your biggest fear? Wasps, 100%. Not being stung but the way they look scares me.

What is your favorite family vacation? When we went to Krakow in Poland.

What would you change about yourself if you could? My skin color. I hate it so much.

What really makes you angry? People hating others or stopping others from being themselves.

What motivates you to work hard? To make future me happier than I am now.

What is your favorite thing about your career? I want to be in cabin crew, so probably the traveling.

What is your biggest complaint about your job? Being away from family.

What is your proudest accomplishment? Getting through the shit 2020 brought me without killing myself.

What is your child's proudest accomplishment? No kids rn.

What is your favorite book to read? Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman

What makes you laugh the most? My boyfriend.

What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? Freaks. I was a bad movie, a little like the scary movies franchise. My friend was scared at parts which was super funny to watch

What did you want to be when you were small? An actor. Typical Leo ;)

What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? They can be anything they want to be.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? Visit Edinburgh alone.

What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? To watch, American Football. To play, archery.

Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? Drive a car, it's peaceful and warm. I would blast music.

What would you sing at Karaoke night? no idea.

What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? Heart and Capital

Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Dishes or vacuum.

If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Yard work!!!

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Tandoori Prawn curry.

Who is your favorite author? Jacqueline Wilson or JK Rowling (only her books, not her)

Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Just Em. But id like to be called Millie.

Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? Depends on the surprise tbh, I like to plan a lot.

In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? Watch a movie.

Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Hawaii. I was meant to go this year but covid and leaving the US fucked it up.

Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? Work the perfect job, id get bored sitting around all day.

Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? my boyfriend.

If money was no object, what would you do all day? Travel and see the world.

If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? 2012. To see my Nana again.

How would your friends describe you? Stupid.

What are your hobbies? Traveling, photography, music and shopping.

What is the best gift you have been given? Forgiveness from myself.

What is the worst gift you have received? Sixe XXL jacket when im an XS

Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? My macbook.

List two pet peeves. - Breaking trust - Bad table manners

Where do you see yourself in five years? Hopefully working my dream job, maybe moved to a different country and traveling the world.

How many pairs of shoes do you own? too many, roughly 16

If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? Invisibility or teleportation.

What would you do if you won the lottery? build my own house

What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.) Train, its so relaxing. Then planes.

What's your favorite zoo animal? Lions or tigers.

If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? My time in America.

If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? - My nana - my bf - Princess Diana - Obama

How many pillows do you sleep with? 4, two on each side.

What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)? 26 hours, traveling to Texarkana from Edinburgh.

What's the tallest building you've been to the top in? Idk tbh

Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? looks for intelligence because then you can earn enough for plastic surgery.

How often do you buy clothes? 1/2 a month

Have you ever had a secret admirer? Idk I guess so.

What's your favorite holiday? Summer vacation Christmas for an actual holiday

What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Moved half way across the world and lived with strangers.

What was the last thing you recorded on TV? Nothing

What was the last book you read? 1984

What's your favorite type of foreign food? Indian

Are you a clean or messy person? Both, but relatively clean

Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Millie Bobbie Brown probably

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 1 hour

What kitchen appliance do you use every day? Kettle

What's your favorite fast food chain? Chick fil A (i know, i cant buy it now tho)

What's your favorite family recipe? Nana's bacon and egg pie

Do you love or hate rollercoasters? LOVE

What's your favorite family tradition? Opening gifts on Christmas Eve

What is your favorite childhood memory? I dunno really, Ive forgotten a lot of my childhood.

What's your favorite movie? Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Beautiful Boy

How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out? Probably 7/8 but I dont remember.

Is your glass half full or half empty? Half empty.

What's the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love? Said i'd come back one day.

What three items would you take with you on a deserted island? A boat and food. Yes i am that person.

What was your favorite subject in school? Scottish school, geography. US school, government.

What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? Haggis

Do you collect anything? Foreign coins

Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion? Skinny jeans, my ass looks gooood in them

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert that likes being sociable

Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest? hearing

Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise) nope

Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous? my dad is well know in the whisky business. Has his own prime tv show

What do you do to keep fit? Walk a lot and swim.

Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken? nope

If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce? everyone is equal.

Who was your favorite teacher in school and why? Scottish School, my geo teacher. US school, my english teacher.

What three things do you think of the most each day? My bf, my mum and America

If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Sad, angry and anxious

What song would you say best sums you up? 17 again

What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbucks for a cup of coffee? Timothee Chalamet or Tom Holland

Who was your first crush? a boy called Finlay who i rode the bus with

What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window? sheep or cows very often

On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? 5

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? kids, married, settled down and happy. moved countries 100%

What was your first job? never had one

If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? 5sos

How many languages do you speak? 1 - english

What is your favorite family holiday tradition? opening gifts on Christmas Eve

Who is the most intelligent person you know? my mum

If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? a cat probably or a tiger

What is one thing you will never do again? trust people fully

Who knows you the best? my bf.

[figula]

today -

im feeling frustrated w/ myself for posting so heavily about OCD this week bc i really dislike when diagnoses become synonymous w/ distress becomes synonymous w/ your social media presence - HOWEVER, i do feel that the OCD diagnosis is honestly the only one that i find helpful + seems to actually potentially be able to bring some relief via treatment routes. like tbh i dismiss everything else ive ever been diagnosed w/ at this point (self-undiagnosis ayyy) but the OCD feels real + true + i think that i should not let my mostly anti-psych ideology close me off from routes that may well actually provide major relief? so i apologise for (at least at present) being one of those blogs that i dont like myself, i just dunno what else to doooo and OCD is fairly solid shorthand so that i dont have to write out like 5 sentences detailing my obsessive thoughts each time lol

anyway, that said -

i fear this will get long, so

still bad, still very shameful / guilty / distressed, but i didn’t cry today, which can only be a good sign right? lol :/

i really think that if the past few months hadn’t been so bad... argh... i keep thinking this, which is annoying bc i cant change any of it, but i keep thinking of like all the shit that’s gone down

a) my sister’s ED being a long-term stressor for my own ED b) some blow-ups w/ my mum (in which she totally denied my even having an ED, nice!) c) fairly unremitting misogyny from ch/ess spheres (leading to me leaving a place ive spent probably hundreds of hours in over the past few years - honestly it took a lot to get to that point so you can imagine) d) ben getting ill (one of my worst triggers tbh), which resulted in a week-long starvation episode, as well as self-harming for the first time in a few years e) our fucking garden wall blowing over, making my already-present obsessive fears about the cat’s safety much more prescient and loud f) visiting ben’s family (which was fine, i should add), which was the first time ive been in a room w/ anyone other than ben/ana/shop people since pre-covid - and left me weirdly overstimulated for like 3 days afterwards e) general bullshit of living in england under the tories, general covid worries

like that’s a lot right? someone agree w/ me so i dont feel so stupid about this lol :/

but the thing im really struggling w/ in this episode is that previously ive always felt that it was me vs the misery - but now i feel like the misery is actually true and correct. which is really really unusual for me - i think i’ve said before on here that im basically at peace w/ who i am as a person. and now suddenly im not, and that’s been a fucking nightmare! bc ben, as he usually does whenever things go suddenly downhill, has been like - ‘be kind to yourself! do things you like! do self-care!’ and every other time i’ve been like right for sure :) gotta recover from this :) and this time im like ... you wouldn’t say that if you knew The Truth! you wouldn’t say that if you knew who i Really Am! bc of all this guilt/shame/etc i feel like the usual rules dont apply, that im not ‘ill’, that im literally just coming to terms w/ evil shit ive done in the past and that this is like some kind of delayed moral reaction, that im like finally appropriately feeling bad. (again about like years-old shit in which no one even got hurt) but i also logically know that that’s not true, and that this is an OCD episode, but bc the symptoms are so different to what im used to it took me like 5 days to realise that. and i really really hate this!!! it feels so DIFFERENT :(

and i think the fact alone that im desperately worried about things i did 3y ago ranging to like... 12? y ago rather than ANYTHING i did recently is a really good indication that it’s not appropriate guilt at all - that it is just OCD. i read some blog posts about OCD stemming from real events and it was actually incredibly enlightening  tbh wrt thought processes etc bc ive literally never had anything like this before so even just realising im not the only one, that this ISNT appropriate guilt to historic ‘offences’, that even if you have transgressed it’s still OCD, that was really helpful

(also just fyi i dont want to go into details bc i dont think its helpful for anyone most importantly me lol but just in case people are thinking i killed someone or st - i didn’t hurt anyone, i didnt cheat on ben, i didnt do anything that would get me imprisoned or even fined or you know whatever. like even looking back on this list i feel like i should be quite clearly more able to rationalise it as Not A Big Deal in the grand scheme of things but i cannot!!!!)

anyway i think i will probably give OCD-specific therapy a go bc even if this goes away, ive definitely noticed that the OCD is getting worse overall i think unfortunately, that like, the bad patches are worse than they used to be. which is fucking annoying. i don’t know why, i’m not sure that’s important. i suspect it’s bc my life has been (as detailed above) much more stressful lately, but the reasons for it don’t seem to matter v much, i think i need to be more concerned w/ like actually getting out of this

i will say that the obsessions about me actually being a lesbian passed fairly quickly (w/in like i wanna say a week or two?) so im really hopeful this will go the same way? but the fact that this particular flavour of OCD has been i would say worse than any of the other obsessions ive ever had is definitely some kind of wake up call that i need to take this seriously and not just do whatever the compulsions demand, just bc it’s easier

also just to finish - i have a pasty in the fridge that im too afraid to eat bc some condensation touched the wrapper, and ben was lifting it up like looking hungrily at it LOL. (he eats all the food i OCD-reject w/o really questioning it, which ftr i vastly prefer to it being this big fucking event every time)

and i was like - i guess given the circumstances you should probably tell me to eat it ben: yeah...

then we both just started laughing. brief moment of levity i guess

i also had a slight victory for my dinner. the saucepan was dirty, so i thought ‘better just have some instant noodles instead of washing this out, in case i miss a spot’, and then had the second thought of like - yeah this really IS why you are in this current mess actually, bc you do not ever go against these thoughts, and so i actually did wash the saucepan and used it to cook some pasta

[swynlake-spill]

Boba, please bully some of our shyer residents into posting selfies! I am dying for some Rarer Insta Content.

ok i’ll try here we go 

@vixey-chakraborty KEEP THE COW CONTENT COMING BUT ALSO LET UR OWN NATURAL RADIANCE SHINE!!! I LOVE U PLEASE IM ASKING SO NICELY BUT ALSO VERY LOUDLY SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR 

@rikuxnakayama sir  i cannot keep buying overpriced coffee from [name redacted] just for the ten seconds of eye contact we have i simply do not make enough money have pity on me and POST 

@vitani-blackwell u arent really shy so i dont understand how you are not posting daily thirst traps i have seen your body and therefore seen god please RESUME REGULAR CONTENT 

@melody-the-unwritten typing ur username just now made me cry. :( melody i MISS YOu. melody i dont think u understand u could be miss swynlake if u wanted... this is your YEAR

@princess-ting-ting you post extremely quality pics of your fish and family jigsaw puzzles and stuff and thats valid and good plz dont stop but also you are the qin i respect in this world and i think you deserve to be told how beautiful u are js 

@littlelectriceelduh ur mysterious and look like the boy my mum warned me about. plz indulge my worst desires and help me star in my very own all time low pop punk fantasy 

@arista-the-musical BLASPHEMY that i am tagging a triton wtf did your sisters teach u!! arista when i say that i believe if you post selfies tagged #stopglobalwarming that it could maybe inspire a movement im not even being hyperbolic i think the power is in your hands and you should use it 

@cinderellaashbourne HONEY PLEASE COME HOME tiana as her roommate why are you not instilling in ella the confidence needed to become a powerhouse insta mom im just saying she could build an empire off her smile 

@babettexdurand seeing u makes me go  🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺 sincerely do not think there are words... 

@evil--endeavors you want to be taken seriously as a business woman, totally fair! however, fourth wave feminism said stuff about idk owning ur sexuality or-- nvm dont do it for me do it for the young LESBIANS. also kick me in the face :) 

@one-lucky-lad small confession...i have a crush on this darling I KNOW I KNOW HOW EMBARRASSING however i am not immune to the specific charms of his beautiful blue eyes. im just saying haha what if we kissed 

@tink-bell tink used to post all the time but then she got her heart broken or something and i just think she needs to build up all that very valid fierce tink bell confidence she was famous for!! tink PLEASE give me the bed selfie i know you have! txt me u up ;) ? ask me to netflix and chill! also post on instagram obviously! 

@sanmononoke what is going on with this person real talk besides ofc being very hot as per swynlake’s hotness requirement. idk if she has an instagram. bet she’d post like feet pics and shit like that. think that we need a little bit of that spice in swynlake dont you!!! 

@moon-yeongjun frankly it is a crime that we are all collectively robbed of the journey that would be jun moon instagram experience. if you dont think he’s hot you’re lying to yourself!! new rule every time jun posts a petition he owes us a selfie its only fair idk im once again putting tiana to the task of making that happen

@notmuchofatail he’s been posting more lately but it is not enough for me. gregory eeyore is my past present and future. like im in love with him is what im saying. 

@a-merman-not-a-guppy stop pretending like you’re not a handsome lad its EMBARRASSING. what is the point also of designing ur own clothes if you arent putting up your wares on instagram. again this is just common sense i cannot believe im giving this immaculate advice for free. 

@notbad-justsungthatway again she posts decently but i think she should post more bc she is easily in the ten hottest people ever in swynlake. its a fact not an opinion and we’d all feel a lot calmer if she was active daily on instagram

@pinkpearlpark the coolest of the teens!! i need her to post so she can teach ME how to post. like idk what im doing teach me the ways of being an attractive rich cool person miss park! 

@bucktoothed--ice-prince again idk whats going on here he’s this very mysterious stranger who blew into town out of nowhere. maybe going without an instagram is the whole point but i would rather write dumb things on ur posts tbh

@trickster-knownas-pan AND A THIRD person who i know nothing about. maybe i am just nosy but also you are hot so you owe me something thats how survival of the fittest works maybe !!!!!!! i failed science three times!!!! 

@devyn-morey lol i know he posts a lot but obviously! obviously! 

@geehosaphat on the other hand martin has two posts on his instagram maybe and thats abysmal. martin you do realize you’re like. hot right. i mean it like you could be in a magazine. you’re hot. take off your shirt sometime maybe if you’re comfortable so you can flaunt it! 

@winndeavor again i know ur a serious business person who has a certain brand to maintain. on the other hand: you have abs. much to think about i know. 

@hclyghcst DISGUSTING that you could win jewel of the season or w/e and then disappear from my life. you owe me like ten selfies at this point! you’re cute kind and a good friend to people in your life! fuck im obsessed with u!! 

@vvinter-queen and now we shout out to her sister ANNA to help her. anna how is it that u have a moderately thriving bookstagram and yet elsa has no idea what a filter is. intervene. fix it. she’s beautiful. imagine how much ice cream u will sell. 

@gleamdncglow u dont have to post bc it might actually piss me off considering how pretty you are. but if you want to i guess (please please please please please please) 

@gabriella-marino you know what’s the best way to get to know ppl in town and make friends! yeah ur right, its thirst traps on instagram! i think you’re so cute on a serious note please tell me more about u...maybe in the captions on your thirst trap for instagram! 

@edwardandalasia honestly just curious how it would go if someone showed edward who is maybe suffering from some textbook case of amnesia how instagram works. you also have the best skin ive ever seen. send me ur tips. ok thank u!!!

[honestynhedonismthings]

Hell and Back

I’d already been through the wringer. I suffered from a case of sepsis which I found out later was caused by a cut I’d received while having my new mirena inserted. I was getting a new mirena inserted after earlier in the year falling pregnant with a unviable embryo, meaning it wasn’t implanted in my uterus. I miscarried that pregnancy, it was never viable to begin with but it hurt just as much to lose it. It was later discovered I’d fallen pregnant because the mirena I’d had in at the time was dislodged and actually broken, hence getting it replaced when I found out. The most shocking thing wasn’t even the mirena saga, it’s the fact that after my ectopic pregnancy, I’d spent a lot of time and money on doctors who all told me that it was very unlikely I would ever conceive naturally. The sepsis was caught early because being a medical student, I know to keep my own records, and was able to help my doctors retrace my steps and figure out how what could be causing me to be so sick as it was an unusual type of sick for me. I’ve been through a lot in my life, I know my body and I know when something isn’t right. Fast forward to post recovery and you’re being helpful and nice and its familiar and we fell into old patters and slept together.. more than once.. A mistake really but when emotions are running high, sometimes you lose control. It stops anyway, we stop talking. I’m doing well, I’m being a teenager for the first time in my life and everything is sorta normal. I missed my period. I never miss my period. I took 12 pregnancy tests and threw out my pack of smokes after taking the first one. I was pregnant. Scared shitless and pregnant. You’re the only person I’ve had unprotected sex with. I couldn’t believe it. After the miscarriage, I double checked with the doctors again and they still said I’d never have a viable pregnancy and here I was, pregnant, with my ex boyfriend’s child when we’re both finally moving on. I spent that night at the hospital. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I began to have pains in my stomach, I assumed it was anxiety and ignored it for a few hours until the pain got worse and I feared this pregnancy was ectopic as the pain was so similar to that of an ectopic pregnancy and having already had surgery for that when I was 16, I wasn’t ready to do that again. After a few hours and tests at the hospital, I was free to go home and Chad bought me dinner and I cried. I instantly knew you wouldn’t believe me. You were always in denial about things that were right in front of you. The biggest being that we weren’t good together, the second being that Chad and I are the same person basically. You were stalking my private Tumblr blog, as you were known to do. That’s how you found out I was pregnant. I’d written a journal entry about the whole thing and you messaged me accusing me of lying and came to my house to confront me. I had evidence waiting though, I knew you. Everything I said had to come with evidence when we were together so I knew I had to be especially prepared this time. You’d already accused me of lying in the previous unviable pregnancy; even after I took a pregnancy test with you right there, even after you followed me to the pregnancy advisory centre and accused me of not having an appointment, records confirm I did. You came to my house and I gave you my ultrasounds, the 12 pregnancy tests, the discharge letter from the hospital and a pregnancy record book signed and dated from my GP, you still thought it was bullshit. I was devastated and done with the conversation. I was strong. Until I got sick. I had hyperemesis which is morning sickness on steroids and I’d had it the entire time I was pregnant. For 8 weeks I couldn’t drink or eat. Every day I would try and take a prenatal vitamin because I hadn’t decided and I wanted to do but I wanted to do what was right until I had, but every single day it would come back up and I would cry at my own body hating me. My own body had been against me from the very beginning and it killed me. During those weeks you would ask me to come with you to McDonalds and you would sit there and tell me it’s over with her and you want to be with me but we can’t have a child right now. You sat there and told me you loved me and we would be together and have a family the right way but I had to get a termination now.  I tried so hard to be strong but I always ended up in tears which made me that much more tired. I could barely stay upright as it was. I was so nauseous, every day I thought I’d pass out trying to get to the bathroom. Chad used to come home during his lunch breaks to find me laying feotal position crying in exhaustion because the nausea meant I never slept, anger for you trying to manipulating me, hunger, sadness, but probably worst of all was the the all consuming love I felt for the baby inside me. I’d been told it wasn’t possible. All I’d ever wanted was to be a mum and there were so many obstacles in the way but there she was, innocent in all of this. Perfect. But you didn’t care. She was your obstacle, she was an inconvenience to you and that made you determined to get what you wanted. I most likely would have come to that decision anyway because right now I can’t imagine having a family with anyone else except for Chad, he’s my soul mate. The problem I have is that the decision wasn’t mine. It was a manipulation. I can’t come to terms with what happened because I know I didn’t make that decision for myself. I respect her memory every single day and every single decision I’ve made since has been so one day I’ll be ready for her. That day you took me to the pregnancy advisory centre, I couldn’t fight anymore, I’d given in to your manipulation. I was so tired and sore and hurt, I needed you to take care of me, you’d been in my life for so long and I momentarily forgot everything else, in that moment I just needed you to make it okay. It was only supposed to be an initial consultation. I’d been there before, I knew the drill. I knew in the back of my head I still had a little time for a sign from the universe, something that would tell me it’s okay and I’d be at peace with it because it would have been my decision. But they had a cancelation and of course I’d already been fasting, I hadn’t eaten for weeks. It was happening too fast and you were right there looking so happy that there was no way out. I couldn’t tell you no and that I needed more time. We both know how that would have gone down. All of a sudden there’s a nurse putting an IV in my arm and I’m crying asking for you but you’re not there. I’m all alone. And before I know it, she’s taken from me. Sucked from me with a medical vacuum cleaner like she’s nothing but she was my everything. And I’m awake and I’m still crying for you, I’m yelling at nurses to get you but it’s like they can’t hear me, begging them to bring you here, trying to get up and not being able to feel my legs. Watching people walk past me like nothing happened and I have nothing to be upset about because I came here, you didn’t put a gun to my head. It was a different type of gun and it was pointing at my heart and when she was taken from me I had nothing. Eventually someone brought me out to see you and I can’t believe what I’ve done. I’m crying and you told me you loved me, I didn’t know it would be for the last time. I had no idea just how alone I really was. She was gone, and the next day so were you.

And it’s really only because of Chad that I’ve come out on the other side better than ever. Instead of putting the pieces back together for me, he gave me the time and understanding I needed to put myself back together in a new way and become a better person. Have I made mistakes, fuck yes, but who hasn’t. I can’t regret a single second of it because it’s all what got me to now and I’m the best version of myself right now. I never thought I’d actually make it to 21 and here I am and I actually want to be here. For me.

[revelaare]

Shit said in the Crimson Discord & VC, taken out of context part 2, (the sequel)

Big NSFW warning, probably

his meat slid off and then slid right back on

[PRONOUN] can punch me in my uterus and make a hammock out of my ovaries

it’s one of the worst fucking things i’ve ever heard, and i’ve heard someone literally shit their pants

they tagged me and my ass clenched

this man just said “I want to eat ur ass and then kiss you” ok buddy

a man with a plan

my grandpa is texting his hoes from his flip phone

god my lawyer was a hit but idk if she will be the chosen one or not

hello give me your toenails

i'll touch you in a non-weird way

he was in that movie with the people, he was the human.

i want her to brush my hair

If we have dick glasses they have to be of the highest quality for the best experience

i don't wanna watch that white nonsense

i would throat him like a fine wine

these millenials can't live without ac? back in my day we lived on the sun

yall better put those goats on a wheel, tell them to start running

he looks like a bitch

yes or no, u wud punch the light bulb out of thomas edisons wrinkly pruned hand and asked him if he believed in god

still has skin and a working body

i needed to wait until my voice changes

you thought i was snacking on joe biden’s savory meat stick

barack guckin oglizzy, oguckma, barack osugma, Joe choden, OglchnnngggHHHYynnUUUnnghhma

why did i have a dream that i was taking the lid off my car

false gods require wine, real gods require coochiefice

fettucine wet ass pussy

that was all you sent me. the picture of a raccoon and then nothing

it isn’t hate, it is ‘continuously let down by’.

i never went to school who science

i’m gunna go peer pressure my mum into a shot

thank you for furthering my career at hot topic

i will suck the ingrown hair off of him

it has huge jackman in it

i chomped on this eggshell, got my calcium in for the day

i will take you to touch the mango

i want to see all the big things

[PRONOUN] has collar bones so deep you could hook a clothing hanger into it

no asscheeks in fucking family chat you animals

he will eat you alive and suck out your intestines like its a spaghetti noodle

[NAMES]’s Tiggle Biddie’s

dropped acid, cried the whole night.

my stomach is hooping and hollering, i’m about to eat some sleep

you want my throatsac ??

please dont know me as the toenail eater

you have to keep the skin on one side while you eat the other, thats basic mango physics

i mean he is some good sasuage

calm down dick Hannibal

respectfully, what the fuck is this

tbf i only eat my steaks where they need tampons

you committed acts of culinary terrorism

does your refrigerator whimper and cower in the corner when you approach it. that's your fridge trying to use echo location to locate a safe space

thundercuck

i almost met Jesus, I almost got an autograph. Almost got a greatest hits signed album.

respectfully, are you smoking fucking crack?

my left testicle could play better than you

i’ll eat him with ketchup

son of a biscuit eating bulldog!

now it’s back to me sucking, all is right in the world.

holy fuck weasels.

holy fuck, weasels!

why does the bad guy look like the Statue of Liberty?

this is a man that sometimes willingly dresses like a lumberjack

and me, being an emotional cripple, must make jokes about this.

hey my name is [NAME] i'm **definitely** who i say i am

[NAME OR PRONOUN] offered a back massage by calling it the “tickle thing”

i love a man who puts his parents in a nursing home.

my brain is going to take a hot shower

wait have u seen steve harvey's coochie

if it were me i would simply not be pregnant

look im not about to be out here saying i love [NAME OR PRONOUN] feet, but i am about to be out here saying that their feet are some of the nicest feet i've seen in a long time

i named my cloyster renesmee

[NAME] was texting me from the bathtub

you’re pregnant? That’s unfortunate.

do I say dumb shit? Perhaps. Do I take ownership? Perhaps.

i pay for things in blissful ignorance

i am an emotional vagrant

i am an emotional fragrance

to make a long motherfucking story short...

this enchilada tastes like asshole and sadness

you are not an ugly bitch, you’re just a bitch

that’s not a nut shot, buddy.

i’m sad because i sucked the meat off of this pumpkin spice latte

i want to make a blanket out of his eyebrows

what are you disgracing my Christian eyes for?

he be looking at that dick like why does it go so much to the left?

I want her to record an audio book for me so I can fall asleep listening to her voice.

Can I lick you like an ice cream cone? Asking for science.

like you're out to lunch with your bromie and you're eating some rubens or something and you wistfully look over the rim of your sunglasses and just: You ever buss 2 fast

my accent is flaccid

timotay chalamaymay’s sweet ass

on the bright side mcallister’s gave me 3 pickle spears. Almost enough to make a whole pickle.

you think they came from the same mommy pickle?

HIS DOODLE IS OUT

i thot that meant [NAME] wanted to...doodle his noodle

i don’t use commas, i don't respect u enough, fuck ur reading comprehension.

does australia have seasons

i want someone to embalm my body with mcdonalds sprite

his hermione grangina

purrrr my last email

its lore locked beneath 30 layers. u can only understand it if uve had a near death experience

LET'S GET FUCKY

i wanna have the heart of a stoner

his man titties look like little tattooed pillows

SWIGGITY SWOOTY COMIN FOR THAT BOOTY

there were no cheeks to shake. nothing to clap. no noise to be had from her literal slices of wonderbread

u ever just fuck around and ur tits fart

put a lil mint leaf on it for authenticity

alright brother god bless may u be fertile

i feel like im being advocated for something i shouldnt be advocating for

and i am adam with my fat pendulous balls lol

i’m making whuppie with whoopie godberg

theodore tits fart rex

yeah man do u also have the third toe on ur shoulder

the green spaghetti monster is coming for me and i can't blame him

today i learned starfish do not poop

that was nothing compared to some other things I saw

listen I'd willingly watch [NAME/PRONOUN] in a cell for 24 hours. Imagine that sounded less creepy

i'd lick a dirty flip flop off her abs

i’m tempted to show you all the gravity defining boobs, maybe tomorrow

my brain is on vacation

good morning! i ate breakfast and im ready to go to bed

tape the titty in

ive unironically had nightmares with [NAME] in them

the peanut in the auditory canal

so far this feel all comfortable, does this all make sense?

i know it's kind of a schlep to get through

nail polish or no nail polish for the shower?

and then he saw those big tt honkerz... and it all went down hill from there

can y’all stop chanting curses in the chat my furniture is stuck on the ceiling

EH?! CIAO? HELLO??

in Russia this is not ok 

i can’t buy pants here on Sunday either

IT'S LIKE TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS TO EAT ON A SOGGY PANCAKE

imagine me going up to [NAME/PRONOUN] and being like i love the way ur flesh smells

in a supermarket. The sickly blue light where humans congregate. Animal human masses. Nameless faces. Whole lives boiled into generalized categories like "asshole who definitely does need 4 boxes of cheerios". Yout hink and realize while stabding in line u didnt grab the bag of frozen peas...but its 2 late

its truly the only picture that gives me pure joy

are weasels real

my work mum just messaged me the phrase "use your booty call wisely" with no context

"let's bring u to the mustache chair"

If you’re not doing coke under the coke sign what is the point?

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[punkscowardschampions]

Ava & Grace

Ava: Please tell me you're free this weekend and if not please tell me you can make yourself available Grace: I obvs can be, why though?? Ava: Because Buster and Rio have imposed themselves on me Ava: or been imposed by my mum, anyway Ava: I was planning a party and they'll be way more chill if you come 'cos it's evidently not a rager Ava: but then we can still have a party and I don't have to kms/them 🙄 Grace: excuse you I can hang! but duh I will come cos you so wanna see your 💍👰 man, I see you babes Ava: You know what I mean though Ava: there's an assumption if fam is invited there's not also dealers and roadmen on the guestlist Ava: My brother is in an annoying mood and I cannot with that Ava: He won't be there, obviously 💍👰 Grace: 🙄 yeah Grace: UM tbh when is Buster not Grace: but I'll do the babysitting so you don't have to 👌👌 get you time to be 😍💖😘 Ava: Obvs it'll be good to see you too Ava: even if it clearly seems that shameless Grace: idc I'm that shameless at the prospect of hot london boys sooo Ava: 😂 Ava: I'll make sure there's plenty Grace: I'm not sorry that the accent is like !!! Ava: 😏 It's a fine line Grace: I'm walking a fine line here babes Grace: we don't even need to get into it Grace: get me on a ✈ literally Ava: Fair enough Ava: We can get into it when we've got into enough bottles Ava: They're coming over Friday at some point, ask 'em for the deets Grace: mhmm can't 🤐😶 me after the 🍾🍾 pops Grace: ugh Grace: texting Ri rn though Ava: Your accent is pretty !!! too so it's chill Ava: 🙌🙏 You're a lifesaver Grace: oh honey, you know boys love to hook up with me cos of my mouth but it's also what sends them running like Ava: Good thing it's just a weekend Ava: no time for running Grace: it's my turn ⏲🏃 Ava: Just not too soon, eh Grace: I got you, girl 💜 Grace: but we literally do need to get into what's going on with you & 👰💍 Grace: I'm so not waiting for you to make a 🍾 toast about him before I get any goss! Ava: I'm not planning on getting that wasted Ava: I don't even know where to start Ava: it's really gone 0-100 since we last spoke Grace: 😱😱😱 OMG! 👌 did you hit him up or did he hit you up?? Ava: Well Ava: Speaking of shameless Ava: I did legitimately lose a bracelet that night but I didn't really need to ask him if he'd seen it/could check for me Grace: your [expensive brand 1 that idk] or the [expensive bracelet 2]? Ava: My [expensive brand 3 plot twist] Ava: I got it for my birthday, actually Ava: Anyway, he rang everywhere up but obviously it was long gone, who isn't taking that if they can but I didn't even care 'cos it got us talking again and it was Ava: he wanted to see me the next day, so we arranged to meet at lunch Ava: but before I went to school, I got a delivery and he'd replaced the bracelet Ava: I was like...what Grace: OMG AVA! Grace: that's so cute Grace: he's so Grace: LITERALLY OMG Ava: He really is Ava: and he says the most amazing things and it doesn't just feel like talk but Ava: obviously, it's always going to be complicated, there's no way it can't be, he's said that too and I know it Grace: I'm totally shook Grace: like I thought this would be a one off, obvs no shade Grace: I'm definitely babysitting for you now! Ava: Me too Ava: it's ridiculous but somehow not Ava: not when we're talking like we've always known each other or when he's here Grace: how are you even living a 💖📽🎞 rn like ???!! Ava: I know like fully someone is gonna yell cut or jump out on me and tell me it's just a prank Grace: you literally have to get him over at yours before your parents come back Ava: Hopefully Ava: He can definitely do Monday, so I need Buster and Rio fully distracted then Ava: Friday is up in the air so I'll just let you know when it's safe for you to all head over, yeah? Grace: 💜🤞 Grace: I'll have the freakout that's SO overdue about my own love life Grace: once I start 😭😭😭💔 I can go for hours duh Ava: 🏆 to Miss Grace Cavante Grace: like it's not a lie 💜🙏 there IS a boy & I AM freaking out, I just don't need their advice about any of it 🙄🙄 Ava: Hint taken, no advice but I'm all ears 😶👂 Grace: it's fine you're not really old & 💖😍 smug & just GROSS Ava: Cheers, babe 😏 Ava: Lay it on me then Grace: ugh I can't even Grace: he's just not Grace: he's not any kind of boy I know how to deal with Ava: What's he like then? Grace: like he wants to talk to me?? but actually not just 😏😘!? Ava: Like you're a human? Ava: Where'd you meet him? Grace: at the gym so I was LITERALLY blindsided cos every lad in there is so 💪🤳🏻 Ava: + 1 for not being that kinda douche Grace: but if he was I wouldn't have to leave every 🗨 like ✔ Ava: You don't know what to say Grace: duh what can I even Ava: Well, if you have nothing in common, not a lot Ava: but you gotta do some talking before you can find out if it's worth doing any more, like Grace: ive gotta run away so thanks for the party invite, babes Grace: v well timed tbh Ava: You can do that too Grace: yeah Ava: Why not give it a shot though Ava: you clearly wanna, even with the freaking out Grace: UM hello?? do you not remember the cringefest that was my life not that long ago?! Ava: We've all made questionable choices Grace: & now I'm doing this thing™ where I like don't make a total fool of myself 24 7 Ava: Can't relate, clearly 😂 Grace: well you're in a rom com sooo Ava: Yeah and we could be about to see me 💔💀 eating my weight in ice cream Grace: that would barely be a 🍦🍨 binge 👌👌👌 Grace: & boys don't just buy bracelets cos they're lost Grace: this bitch can't get a boy to do the clasp on her necklace Ava: They do regret in almost instantly though Ava: maybe he thought I was guilting him or some shit Grace: if he thought that he wouldn't still be 😍😍😍 Grace: which he obvs is Ava: It's a headfuck but hey Ava: what ain't Grace: mhmmm Grace: you're about it though Ava: He's a really good guy Ava: I'm aware how naive that sounds given but still Grace: he can be a good guy & bad for his 👰💍 Grace: or she's bad for him Grace: some couples don't work, can't even Ava: She's Ava: a whole other story Grace: how well do you know her? Ava: Her reputation preceeds her in a lot of ways Ava: and I know some of it as fact, basically so Grace: Ew Grace: she sounds so #goals honestly 🙄 Ava: You have no idea Ava: but there's nothing I can do about it Grace: it's the worst Ava: yeah Grace: anything else I can do I totally will Ava: Thanks, babe 💙 Ava: all you need to do is distract, and we'll have a good time to celebrate Grace: 💜 Grace: seriously looking forward to it Ava: Me too Ava: I'll invite every hot boy I know Grace: ILY you know Ava: Duh 😏 Ava: ily too but save it for the 🥂 Grace: 🙏 that's all I say Grace: I don't 💕 gym boy Ava: Just chatting about your 😍 Ava: stop me mentioning mine, please 🙄 Grace: shh no Grace: I wanna hear everything about yours Grace: & your lunch date, thanks Ava: Okay, that was pretty cute Ava: so he picked me up from school in an uber so we got to make the most of the limited time we had Ava: then we went to get coffee and tried like everything on the menu Ava: and we watched a kinda dumb kinda everything film and you know Grace: it's SO rude that he's already married & you can't 💍 him cos that's such a MOOD Grace: like okay never tell Jimmy about the whole menu cos he'll khs but whatever Ava: I know, had to tip the baristas and the uber driver so handsomely Ava: but it was worth it Grace: I can relate, mine have definitely 👀 some shit 😂😂 Grace: less worth it though & obvs not as recently 🙏😇 Ava: I'm sure they found it entertaining Ava: miss it, if anything Grace: 🤷💅 Grace: but for real, I don't Grace: not my reputation & everything Grace: though if your bf's wife can get a 💍 there's obvs hope still Ava: Good Ava: for real Ava: you don't need any of that bullshit Ava: oh girl please 🙄 Ava: you ain't about to force a marriage Ava: or even more shaming, have your parents come together to force a marriage Grace: declaring myself a no fuckboy zone has been good Grace: even if that does mean staying single cos duh Ava: There's far worse things in life to be 🤷 Grace: yeah like I thought it would be the WORST but Ava: Can't be worse than fuckboys Grace: true Ava: even the ones that ain't Ava: or seem like more Ava: total headfuck Grace: preach! literally living my BEST life until gym boy got on my radar and got me like !!?? Grace: 🙄🙄 Ava: yeah Ava: tell me about it Grace: gonna have to put my phone under 🔐 somewhere when we're 🥂💃 Ava: Confiscated at the door, naturally Grace: yours too so you don't call up a divorce lawyer for your boyfriend 😂 Ava: not even funny Ava: 😏 Grace: sorry babes Ava: it would be funny if it weren't true Ava: not for my sake though Grace: I know Grace: I can't even imagine how tragic he's living Grace: ugh Ava: It's genuinely fucked Ava: and like, not in a 'he's told me to get in my pants' vibe Ava: you can tell, even without the full story Grace: & like there's little kids involved it's so 💔 Ava: I don't even know how to feel about them Ava: or if I should think about them Grace: I don't know if you'll be able to not Grace: think about them Grace: & not just cos like he has to Grace: cos you're you Ava: They'll never know Ava: so I don't have to feel bad Grace: 💜🤞 Ava: It sounds like their mum's whole vibe Ava: and their relationship Ava: is like, Ava: enough trouble Ava: I'm not gonna bring anything else to the table for any of them Grace: well yeah she sounds like an evil 👑!!! Ava: She is Ava: was Ava: Ugh, idk Grace: you're not gonna tell me who they are like EVER, are you?! Ava: I can't Grace: it's okay Grace: like it's soo not but I'm not gonna be that bitch about it Grace: or any of your secrets Ava: You can fill in the blanks Ava: it's not as if anyone is gonna know so put whatever hot face suits Grace: I'm here, just like tell me what you wanna tell me, yeah? Grace: no drama Ava: 😘 Ava: I know its so frustrating though, I'd feel it too no doubt Grace: it's this fam & our track record with secrets getting me worried Ava: I know Ava: it's Ava: nothing to worry about Ava: I've got it Grace: just keep hitting me up whenever you need to 👌👌 cos that's something else none of us obvs ever do Grace: & everything's such a mess literally always Ava: I know Ava: I bet Edie would have some advice Ava: super dubious Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: she'd have taken the bracelet & ✌ out Ava: Honestly Ava: is that not the right thing to do tbh Grace: duh depends how hot he is Ava: I doubt he'd be much her type Grace: I'd totally have to hook up with him though Grace: sorry not sorry Ava: 🙄 Grace: 😂 Ava: Ugh, I need to start drinking now Grace: what's he doing? invite him out Ava: He's with his family Grace: then he'll definitely wanna come Ava: Stop Grace: okay sorry 🤐😶 Ava: It's fine Ava: I am gonna go though, gotta get ready Grace: I should totally pick & pack a party outfit or I'll never be able to decide on a make up look Ava: Get busy, babe Grace: mhmmm Grace: you too hun Ava: 💙

[ravenpenandpaper]

Not My Baby

TW: Abortion

SOL SYSTEM - EARTH - CANADA - VANCOUVER (DECEMBER 1976)

Sophia and Edward Toombs had met during Michael’s first shore leave, back in ‘72, before she could enlist in the Alliance.

She had just turned eighteen at the time, still living with Olivia, Joseph and Sarah. Sophia couldn’t bear to call them family, not with the thinly veiled insults, the lack of care and overall the non-existent companionship with them. She could even understand why her mum and dad had kept them away. Michael had come to represent everything she wanted; the possibility of being away from earth, and thus Olivia McCain.

Michael’s temporary flat was tiny; it had a bed and a couch which doubled as a second bed, a kitchen and a bathroom. Tiny, cramped and smelling of a foul combination of feet and grease, and everything Sophia could’ve wanted at that time. Alone, with acquaintances instead of friends and still grieving, it was little wonder she had fallen for the dashing soldier sharing Michael’s tiny, cramped and smelly flat.

They had fooled around for those two weeks, she had given herself to him in the back of a skycar, and they had started dating before she went back to Olivia’s house.

They had settled on a friends with benefits thing, eventually, one disastrous attempt at a relationship later.

That had been five years ago, before she enlisted, before she had tasted battle, before she even knew what she truly wanted out of her life. Rather, what she didn't want in her life.

Sophia looked around at the nondescript clinic, the white walls and creamy undertones, the nurses and doctors walking around tending to their wards, the other women with appointments for one procedure or another.

“Are you sure about this?” Her brother asked, squeezing her hand.

“I don’t want it.” She shook her head, looking down at her flat stomach. She had gotten the standard subdermal contraceptives when she enlisted, and while she knew, logically, that no method was 100% safe, she never would’ve thought hers would fail. Not with the training she was under, not with her biotics.

“No, I know that,” Michael looked at her, an eyebrow raised, “I mean, are you sure you don’t wanna tell Toombs?”

“He would just try to talk me out of this, some weird sense of duty I think,” she sighed, slouching in her seat, “and it’s not his decision to make. He made sure it wasn’t his decision.”

“I just think-”

“Look,” she interrupted, glaring at him, “we sleep together sometimes, he made it very clear that’s all he wanted from me. Not a relationship, not even a friendship, all he wants is to fuck me.” She fumed, squeezing her eyes shut. “And I let him because he’s good at it.”

“I didn’t need to know that.”

“Then don’t ask!”

“Sophia Shepard?” The nurse called before they could start arguing again, a confused look in her eyes as she looked from one sibling to the other.

“Yeah, hi, that’s me.” She smiled without meaning to, a little on the awkward side, her stomach suddenly in knots.

“Hey, hey,” Michael stood up, taking a hold of her hand, and squeezing it again, “we got this, I’ve got your back.” She nodded at him, gripping his hand back.

“Nervous?” The nurse asked, leading them inside a room with an ultrasound machine, the screen dark, though there was a low hum to the place.

“A little, afraid it’s gonna hurt.” She shrugged, by all accounts she shouldn't be scared of a little pain.

“You’ve literally been shot at before.”

“Not in my uterus I haven’t!”

“All right,” the nurse interrupted, handing Sophia a light blue gown, “I'll need you to strip from the waist down and lay on the bed, we’re gonna start with the ultrasound, just like we talked yesterday, remember?”

She did. Ultrasound first, then the procedure. The knots in her stomach weren’t getting any better.

She changed into the hospital gown in the attached bathroom, before entering the room again and laying down on the cold bed. This part she knew from previous exams, this part was fine, for this she had Michael to hold her hand.

Her eyes were glued to the screen as the doctor started the ultrasound. The blob inside her looked like an ink stain, vaguely shaped like a bean. Just a clump of cells, causing her a lot of trouble. She was never sleeping with Toombs ever again.

She barely noticed the nurse attaching an IV with pain medication to her arm, her eyes fixed on the screen. That little clump of cells had the potential to be a person, had the potential to grow into a fully formed baby. The thought alone made her nauseous.

“Having second thoughts?” Michael asked quietly, Sophia had been staring at the screen in apparent confusion for a good minute.

“No, I'm not parent material,” she shuddered, “at this point I just want it out of me.”

“Fair.” He sighed, fidgeting in place; from that moment on, there was nothing more he could do, it was all on her. “It’s time for me to leave, I’ll see you in a bit ok?”

She nodded, breathing deeply as the doctor started. She though the pain would be worse, but it was just a sharp cramp,  near the worst menstrual cramps she had had, but still; just cramps.

Laying still in the recovery room, waiting for the meds to work through her system, she checked the messages received in the interim. Alliance Command general warnings, Sergeant Danvers with her new shipping orders, Jonathan with yet another Turian meme, ANN feed about the Batarian situation in the traverse…

Life as usual.

“Hey, how you feeling?”

“I don't know,” she breathed in deeply, turning to look at him, “like I should feel guilty, but I don't, I'm just relieved right now. It's over, I can go back to my own life.” She paused, eyes distant for a moment. “Also like mum would hate me for this.”

“Yeah, well,” he fidgeted with his hands, before dragging a chair to sit near his sister. “Mum’s not here, not anymore, who can say what she would think?”

“Olivia, or so she thinks.”

“Honestly, fuck Olivia, she’s been horrible to you ever since you met her, her opinion shouldn't matter.” The implied ‘she’s not family’ hung between them a moment too long. “Hey, did you get new orders? Danvers is sending me on supply and security missions.” He said, looking at her omni-tool. Despite both being in the fifth fleet, they rarely had missions together, something about keeping the Shepard siblings apart.

“Yeah, I haven’t opened yet.” She sighed again, trying to find a comfortable position, the cramps were coming over again, but she knew that was just part of the process. “Where are they sending you?”

“Terra Nova, with a supply and scout run on a nearby planet. Then Akuze, security detail for the scientists there.”

“Fun,” the sarcasm dripped from Sophia’s voice as she looked at him. “Hey, just thought I should let you know, Toombs and I? Over, forever, just gotta notify him.”

“Hey, as long as you don’t hook-up with Jonathan,” he laughed, leaning back on the waiting chair.

“Neither of us is particularly interested, besides, I heard Turians are much more fun.” She grinned at him, full of teeth and mischief.

“Turian? Really?”

“Bigger di-”

“I really really don’t want to know.” Michael interrupted. “You wanna try Turian? Fine, just spare me the details.”

She laughed, despite the frankly shitty day, there would be good tidings ahead of them, hopefully.

[godkingsanointed]

✨ 🔥🌻😈

OH MAN you picked hard ones But thank you for asking ilu ♡What do I think is unique about me? GOD honey I'm a generic dumb Ummmmmm???? I guess if I take a liking to an interest or person I'm p dedicated? I don't think iv gone more than a week at most without trying to improve on my art in some way in like 16 years...does that count?Share a memory that made you feel empowered: UMmmmmm my first thought was the first time I realised I can deal with things at home myself if we need. My dad was trying to break my mum's arm so I snuck behind him an cracked him around the head hard enough to stun him an drag his arse outta the house,lock the door on that motherfucker in the rain. On a more positive note though? The first week of this new job finding out I'm good at it honestly helped my like mindset so much Talk about a time you indulged your curiosity? When i was like? 11 we had to do our own mini book on a time period an I got ancient Egypt an DAMN I didn't not expect it to become such a fixation for me. I read more working on that then I think I ever had up until then,that was the one academic thing I knew I could do well an fuck me I have no idea how many hours I put into it but like? That was a good fucking time I started trying to teach myself to read hieroglyphics,got so into it family took me to Egypt a few years later just to see me freak the fuck out it was.....beautiful....i still try an keep up with new finds an shows on itTalk about the best or worst impression youv ever made: I honestly don't think I give good impressions ever,but the funniest was in college when I walked in my college class for the first time a day late in prime emo/goth shit (in hindsight I was a MESS) an My future parter of 2/close friend now said their first impression was "that's one kinky bitch" which is HILARIOUS because I was such a virgin an the time with absolutely no concept of that shit yet

[dont-speak-just-read]

No Freaking Way

Bucky x reader Dad!Tony x Daughter!reader Summary: You're a high school grad who lost your mother and doesn't know their father. You are hoping to get an internship at Stark Tower. You were fascinated with Tony Stark and his technology. Little did you know he was your father. You first met Bucky and you instantly feel something. Warnings: death, funeral, cursing, guilt, lust ( think that is it)

You never met your father. Your mum always told you that he left her before he even knew about you. You always wondered would he have stayed if he had known about you? Why didn't she ever reach out to him? Did she keep it a secret because she didn't know who he was? You hardly ever asked about him because you felt that if you asked too much your mum would feel as though she wasn't enough. But the definitely was not the case.

You just wanted to know more about yourself. Were you more like your father or mum? What was he like. Was he tall? What color are his eyes? What did he do for a living? What was his favorite thing to do? Would he have been a good father? You would make up different scenarios in your head. You just wanted to know if your life would have been different if you would've had him in your life or at least met him. You hoped that on your 18th birthday your mom would finally tell you. You thought you were finally old enough to understand.

Your birthday was coming up and you were excited. You were excited because you were going to start a new chapter in your life. You just graduated high school as Valedictorian. You can still remember the day like it was yesterday. It was a wonderful May night. You gave a speech on never forgetting who you are and always striving to be better. To continue to prove that we as the next generation are going to change America by not taking crap from anyone. You ending it with we are no longer the kids of the future but the adults of the future. You went to grad night and had the time of your life. The last night of everyone being together before you all headed out for college. You were accepted to all the colleges you applied for but decided NYU was the way to go because it was close to the new home you purchased for your mum. And also close to the Stark tower where you hoped to intern this summer. 

It was about a month before your birthday and your mum got very ill. She was all you had. You never met any other relative so she was your everything. She was sick for about two years but this past year was harsh. She hoped you wouldn't find out that she was this sick until you were in college. She didn't know that you had bought a house for her in New York. You wanted to be close to her. You thought that her being in California and you in New York was too far away.

She hadn't planned on you buying a house. She hoped that when she passed you wouldn't have to see her as sick as she was. She was going to call you up and tell you to go see her in Cali. She had stage IV breast cancer. She didn't want you to worry about her. She was a fighter and if you knew the severity you would have treated her differently and she wouldn't have made it this far.

One night when you came home from work you saw your mum laying on the couch. You walked into the living room and went to sit by her, that is when you realized that she wasn’t breathing too well. You helped her up and you both walked to the car. As you drove her to the hospital all you could think of was, that these were your last moments with her. You couldn’t believe that you hadn’t realized she was this sick. You were too worried about school, work, and getting all of the money for the new house. As you reached the hospital you wheeled her in and just like that, they took her from you.

When she was finally situated in a room, the doctors told you that she didn't have much time. She had been battling it for awhile and you never noticed how severe it was. You wish you could back and change everything. You would get up early every day and go to school, stay late for school activities then part-time work and repeat Monday-Friday. You would take longer shifts on Saturday's and Sunday’s to save for the new house. You were hardly ever home. You thought if you would have been more attentive at home she wouldn't have had to battle this alone.

You felt guilty because she was always working so you had everything you ever needed for school. She saved up money for you to go to college because she wasn't sure if you were going to get a scholarship or not. She didn't ask much from you but to work hard and get good grades. She wanted the best for you. She never wanted to see you struggle and she never wanted to see you hurt. She figured it would be easier on you too not have to constantly worry about her. "Mum why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you get help? We have my college tuition money!" You yelled. "Y/N please I don't want to argue. I didn't want to tell you because it was your senior year and I wanted you to enjoy it." Your mum whispered. "You should have told me. I could have helped. I would have gotten a second job. I could have helped you." Tears streaming down your face. "You're all I have and I don't know what I am going to do if I lose you, Mum. You are the most important person to me and you didn't tell me. You should have gotten help." "I didn't want to burden you. I knew you were busy with school. I didn't tell you because you have so-much potential-that I knew that if you- knew you would give it up. And I didn't want you too. I love you and all I've ever wanted was for you to succeed." coughing in between because it was hard for her to breathe."You can do anything y/n. You will succeed and even if I am not here to see it physically I will always be here in your heart." Tears streaming down both of your faces. 

It's been a week since you found out about your mum. You felt like shit. The only thing that kept you going was that she was still fighting. She was getting a little better so you told her you were going to go home and get clothes for the both of them. Before leaving you told her " I love you mum. You are my hero and you always will be no matter what happens to us. I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me. I love you so much, mum." Kissing the top of her head.

You were glad that the hospital was only a few blocks from the apartment. You ran home and got your stuff and ran back as quickly as possible. When you got there, you saw multiple nurses in the room with your mum. You dropped everything and ran to her. "I'm right here mom you don't have to worry I'm not going leave your side." Tears a steaming. They finally got her to where she needs to be for her to be stable. Before falling asleep one last time your mother told you " I want you to know something. I want you to know that you are inspirational. You are talented, gifted, beautiful and kind. Even if the world wrongs you promise me you'll never do anything I wouldn't approve of. I love you (Y/N) more than you'll ever know. When you have children of your own you will understand why I kept this a secret. You are my beautiful girl. Don't ever forget how proud I am of you. I love you always." "I love you too mom now get some sleep so you can get better." You both fell fast asleep only to be woken up by the sound of a flat line. You didn't want to believe it. You just hoped it was a nightmare. You turned until you realized it wasn't. You were sobbing and screaming "HELP PLEASE SOMEONE HELP.”

But you already knew it was too late there was nothing they could do. You felt helpless and alone. You couldn't believe it your mum was actually gone. The next morning you woke up in bed. You didn't know how you got there or what happened after you left the hospital but all you remembered was losing your mUm was not a dream. The next week was one of the worst days of your life. You planned the funeral and it was a small service. During the week leading up to the funeral, a lot of your friends visited and family you never met even came by. You were furious when they showed up. All you could think of was how they want to be a part of your life after your mum had passed. During the funeral, you said your word and final goodbyes. Your friends offer to take you home but you wanted to be alone. You stayed about an hour-longer to talk to your mum. Apologizing for not realizing sooner and promising her that you will continue your hard work and her legacy.

You noticed someone staring at you. That is when you realized who it was. It was Pepper Potts Tony freaking Starks girlfriend. You wondered why she was there. Most likely to tell you about the internship. She walked up and said, "Hello I'm Pepper and I assume you are (Y/n)." You nodded unable to say anything due to the fact you just buried your Mum. "Well, I wanted to congratulate you in person. I tried calling but I got no answer so I hoped I could find you somewhere to tell you about your internship." You scoffed "Listen, Pepper is it." But you knew exactly who she was, she was dating one of your idols. " I don't want your pity so, if you are only offering me this because I just laid my mum to rest you and Mr. Stark can go fuck yourselves." You both just stared at each other for about a min before she spoke up "Look, kid, he wanted to give you this internship before you even graduated high school. He had seen you at the national science fair and he saw how interested you were in engineering and he said you reminded him of a younger him. He also saw you at the decathlon. You won for your team isn't that right." You looked up confused as to why he wanted you. "You were the top of your class, right? Miss valedictorian." She sat you down on the bench and explained more. He said you were fascinating and looked you up. He found out who you were and what your grades were like and he said he had to have the best. "So here we are. We understand if you need a couple of weeks even months the internship is yours whenever you want it." She said. You asked, " When can I start." You need a distraction from everything that has been going on you need a break. "Whenever you want. How about tomorrow come to the tower around noon if that's good with you." She replied. ----------------- It was 11:15 when you were finally ready. You put on a pair of blue jeans with a black shirt and Maroon docs. You remember Pepper telling you to dress comfortably. So you wore what you would wear anywhere. You were going to drive but it said it would have taken an hour because of traffic. The bus route was faster. You ran to the bus but just missed it. You knew the next bus wouldn't arrive for about 20 mins about a ten-minute difference if you just walked/jogged there. So you were walking and at a pretty quick pace so you could get to the tower. Or so you thought. When you finally reached the tower it was 11:56. You didn't know exactly how to get to where you needed to be. When you were searching for someone to help you, you bumped into a beautiful tall man with brown hair and blue eyes. "Oh my god, I am so sorry. I'm in a rush. Sorry." You apologize not looking at him yet. When you do you see his beautiful blue eyes shine off the sun.

‘It's okay, doll. It was my fault I wasn't watching where I was going." He spoke sweetly You couldn't help but just stare at how beautiful he was. "You said you were in a rush. I think I can help who are you looking for?" He asked "I'm looking for Tony Stark." "You can find him on the six floor just head in the elevator and say FRIDAY take me to Tony. And she will get you there." He stood smiling at you. "Thanks so much." You stared before realizing you were going to be late. "Okay well, it was nice meeting you." As you walk away you turn "Oh I didn't catch your name what was it?" You asked "It's bu- it's James my name is James." "Well thank you, James, it was a pleasure." "Oh Doll, before I forget what is your name?" "It's (Y/N)!" You yelled just a little because of distance. He whispered, " I figured it was something beautiful." He spoke louder " It was nice to meet you. Hope to see you around." On the elevator ride where you were in awe. You hoped that you would see him around more often. You smiled at the ground, you hadn't thought about your mum at all until you saw your reflection in the elevators "mirrors". At that moment you thought that you thinking about a guy was the wrong decision. You just needed to focus on this internship. As you walked down the hallway you got to the door. As you stood in front of his door you knocked softly twice and then the third with force. You thought this is it. First impressions are everything. As you stand there ready the door opens and there he is your father a.k.a Tony Stark. 

let me know if you wanna be tagged in future fics. :)

@winter-childrens @winter-commandos @marvel-is-ruining-my-life

[beexle]

why was no one home, someone should have been home it wouldve been so much better, i csnt prove this rabbits real, i cant prove mums real either but humans always bring it back

this was the second dream ive ever had about dying. the first was when i was younger than ten and it was from snakebite when i was down in a grove under a willow tree. i dreamt that afterwards i went to this white classroom type place with lots and lots of other sad children but who had given up. we were to learn from god in these tiny desks but i didnt and i begged him and pleaded to be able to see mum again and he said yes begrudgingly. but when i did see mum she couldnt see or hear me or feel me. and i clung to her and cried snd told her i was so sorry but she couldnt hear me and she just sobbed.

this time it was at this kind of retirement village/caravan park and me and jae and a bunch of her friends were staying there. mum and dad were also there, but in a different house and younger and different looking with the same personalities. and mum had had twins. i wanted so desperately to look after the twins so desperately and i did get to hold one breifly. it was so nice to look after a baby and he was so smart too. we did the tipping upside down thing and he loved it and then he vommed a little bit, and instead of wiping it i leaned over and he just spat it out. we were also painting at some point and he knew what to do with brushes even tho he was Baby. but the cousins were there too and i got just such a distinct radiance of hatred from them and they did Not want me to be there.

so i left and then along the way my more real mum wanted me to explain being nonbinary to this hippy and another like religious guy and they didnt really care they just wanted to snicker at me, which didnt feel great. went to where jae was and at first it was just bella she was staying with. and then it was bella and bellas boyfriend, who was that like dick from some tv show or other. way too cocky and fake friendly and mean. i feel like there was some kind of softer meeting in between but the next thing i remember is him getting jae to do something for him- ohh it was from feel good. and at some point bella turned into the terrible straight girl who was his girlfriend. but anyway jae was like tying something for him and he was facing straight towards her and apparently his dick was really hard abd pointing at her and it made me so ugly twisting jealous and so i tried to lay my head in her lap and she sighed but also did a bit of the soft 'youre cute' smile at me but the dude made a disgruntled noise cos id made him soft. so he turned to his girlfriend and started fucking her but i felt bad and moved away from jae and she started fucking herself with two dildos and i felt so sad and out of place and there were people and children from all over the campsite just staring. so i ran. and i ran so well, i jumped over like whole sets of stairs and i climbed piles and piles of empty plastic containers bigger than me. and i dunno if it was relavant but id know that i knew how to do it because evie had done it in the past while i was chasing her. there were like cracks behind walls and really tall buildings and seriously it was impressive. i jumped garden beds and ducked under shrubs and i knew they were chasing me. eventually i got to this plastic kids playground and i hid down the middle of the slide like you can if you put your feet up. the people had a black van and they surrounded me exept it was meant to be jae and the not-bella and her boyfriend but it was a bunch of dudes wearing black and the main one was this asian guy who knew to leave me alone and just make sure i wasnt alone. it felt a bit gratifying that they were there but it wasnt jae and i really wanted to be alone.

so i ran again, and this time behind houses so they couldnt get the car there and i found this cliff, very deserted, a part of the place i hadnt been before, and it had three ladders maybe, a wooden one, a rope bridge only attached on one side so it just dangled down the cliff and like a paddlepop stick thing. i took the wooden ladder and i did the cool slidey thing that firemen do, slowing myself down every now and then. it had pretty ivy all over it and looked out over this wide valley full of trees and i was starting to feel better. there was even like this castle halfway down the cliff i was gonna try to get to. i slid to the end of the ladder and by chance stopped myself on the last rung. the ladder was finished but there was still more than half the cliff left. the castle was above me though, so i tried to switch from my ladder to the one attached to the castle but you know the thing ladders do when there arent knots in the rope? where the wood just slides doen if you try to climb? well it was doing that and i couldnt switch and i was getting tired and i decided to just see what happened. i knew id die but i didnt tell myself that i said if i live i live if i die i die. and so i fell and it felt free and all the things ive imagined it might. and then numb. and then like i was waking up and i thought i might be in a coma but i wasnt. i was dead and i remembered that my great aunt or another mum had died from eating too much sugar and it had felt like this. i wound up at a bar where the people in black who had been chasing me were and it turned out they were dead (does that mean i was already seeing dead people before i died?) they had been dead for a while they knew how it worked. apparently to stay in this world you had to consume stuff from it so the asian guy was drinking a blue cocktail. i found jae and held her and said i was sorry because i really really had wanted to spend my life with her. i said it was the second worst thing i regretted, meaning noah first. no one else could see me and i didnt really care about them just her. annnnd i was crying and sad and didnt want to be dead and then i woke up.

[kanashii-baby]

It was my birthday this month and i unblocked his number on the small small 0.00000001% chance he'd message me but then i had to ask myself if he'd even be aware it was my bday. He was never able to remember it the 5 years we were together so what would make this time any different??

Instead i went out with a friend and it went great until she got us an uber to this dudes house who i only met an hour beforehand. We were so drunk that i sorta just went with it (he had said he'd play us vinyl & we'd drink wine so thats what i thought we were doing) but as soon as we walked through his door he had his tongue down my throat. It completely ruined the entire night for me. We went 2 his room and i tried to push for vinyl + casual drinking but he pushed me down on him and tbh i dont think ive ever regreted anything while drunk but this night changed it. I wish i had had the courage to stop him before it even started but i guess it was at least something that i stopped him at all. After he struggled really hard with my bra (and also realizing he was the size of my middle finger uhhhh) i snickered and told him i was going to be sick and i needed to go to the bathroom. He followed me and then proceeded to try kiss me and when i said he needed to leave so i could be sick he said he'd just stay and watch cus itd be hot. seriously what the FUCK yknow it's just like E (don't want to use your name for confidentiality but you probably know who u are!) said. If it was my ex id be fine and turned on that he would say such a dirty nasty thing but this dude was a drunk stranger taking advantage of drunk me so i was like '......no i dont consent to that" so at least he left me and went back to the room with my friend.

Anyway i just stayed in his bathroom and took snapchats and devised a plan to get the fuck out of there. We said we'd be back but as we walked home i deleted his number from my phone.

I still feel really dirty and ashamed when i think about it and now am avoiding going out. So disappointed with myself but at least i did more than what younger me would've done (probably just gone with "the flow").

Out of all my bdays this years was the absolute worst. I dont mean to be ungrateful but i recieved 1 bday card from a friend, my family got me a blanket, a canvas pic of me+parent, a plush toy i had already bought myself months earlier (which then made me feel ultra guilty & like i had wasted $50) and.......... thats it. Thats literally it. Im just feeling really salty.

Since i can remember, i told myself if life wasn't worth it/if i wasn't happy/i wasn't depressed by age 25 I'd kill myself. I haven't made much improvement at all and truly feel i am one of those people that just won't ever be "right" for life. I've got one year left and have already started to (try) sort my belongings to what my family can just throw/donate/possibly keep 4 when im gone.

the only reason i havent done it yet is my mum. I dont want to give her the heartbreak after shes spent so much time and money trying to fix me. The literal only reason why im still here. So i guess it's either 25 or when she goes.

The thing im going to miss the most is animal crossing.