#their life and 2) should ever come before the respect one has towards a person and their identity.

[motoroil-recs]

I suppose this counts as a kinfession. I just wanted to state how sometimes it gets really frustrating to see sentients who are kin with a not binary character that uses they/them (see Kris from Deltarune) and them then using he/him. I get that it is their own memories and literally them, but I suppose after a while it feels like some sort of erasure to me? I hope that makes sense, and if anybody could explain more to make me more comfortable with this specific thing, that would be lovely as well. I always want to keep an open mind.

🏎️‼️

[aihoshiino]

Hi there! This is from an ask from quite a while ago. I sent it before but I think Tumblr ate it once again.

"Honestly Ai's relationship with like, sex and intimacy and sex in the context of a loving relationship being healing and reclaiming for her is one of those things I have so much fun writing in the context of RP and stuff but if I continued rambling about it here I would go on all day lol and this post is already so long. IN ANOTHER ASK, PERHAPS ……."

I would like to hear your thoughts and ramblings about this please 人´∀｀)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE ANON… I've been sitting on this ask for so long and I've had so many half finished responses to it written up kgjhhsfkg This is just one of those topics where I have so much to say every time I tried to start I got overwhelmed and didn't know where to start… BUT WE'RE SO BACK…!!!

(Also, this is basically part 2/a follow up to this post if anyone wants/needs some extra context)

Honestly Ai's relationship to sex and the role it plays in her character arc is one of the most fascinating parts of Oshi no Ko to me and I'm always really surprised that it basically never comes up in fandom discussions surrounding her? Part of that is just folks wanting to talk about/speculate more on the characters who are alive and present in the series (or have ship wars about them) but even when people DO go back and talk about her it tends to be kind of surface level or just, the worst takes you've ever seen in your life (if I never have to see another Secretly Evil Ai theory it will be too soon) but like… the sex stuff is also pretty surface level! That friction between Ai of B-Komachi's assumed obligate virginal purity and the reality of Ai Hoshino as a person who has had and desires sex basically IS the entire premise of the series. It's the core conflict around which so much of everything else revolves - it's the reason the twins have to keep quiet on their connection to her and moreover, it's the reason she dies. But honestly given how this fandom gets about sex sometimes maybe that's a blessing in disguise lol

It is SO refreshing to have a lead heroine like Ai, though - like I said, the reality of her as a person who has had Probably A Lot Of Sex is pretty much the premise of the series and at no point does the narrative ever take on a shaming tone towards her. Hell, the explicitly stated thesis of the story is that it's everyone who has a problem with this who should be ashamed. Gotanda literally says it himself - Ai's tragedy is the fault of the people who refused to accept her as the hurting, broken, dirty and impure person that the real her was.

In fact, the series is shockingly respectful of Ai and her body in general. This is very much a "the bar is in hell" moment but I'm so used to anime taking every opportunity it can get for lowbrow cumbrained fanservice that the series just being, like, normal about Ai was a breath of fresh fucking air. It's so easy to imagine an infinitely worse version of the series that uses Aqua's access to her body (as both Gorou and Aqua) to frame and leer at her in some really repulsive ways, but it literally never happens. It's one of those things the first chapter/episode does that earns it a lot of goodwill in the long run which it does honestly need lol. The initial premise of the series asks a lot of the viewer, especially given that Mushoku Tensei exists and very much does use the protagonist's plausibly deniable access to the bodies of women and girls around him for some truly putrid and degrading shit. BUT BACK TO MY ACTUAL POINT…

That pointed absence of shaming in the narrative is why it stands out to me so strongly when Ai does direct this kind of shaming language towards herself. Ai engages in a lot of negative self-talk in general because of how utterly pants her self-esteem is, but it's never quite as pointed as in these circumstances. Her death scene is honestly the best and most heartbreaking example of it - the anime trims a few slivers from it to the benefit of the scene as a whole imo, but it does retain the most important line:

But there's another part from slightly earlier on that didn't make it into the anime that equally breaks my heart:

All that Ai refutes of Ryosuke's words is his conclusion that she never cared about her fans. In other words, when Ryosuke slings slutshaming misogyny at her, Ai agrees with him.

And like… why wouldn't she? Society at large already has very strong opinions about women who have and enjoy sex and Ai is an idol - that's purity culture on Berserk Eclipse Difficulty. To make matters worse, Ai's entire life has been defined by her being denied the right to control her own body or being blamed for the way other people respond to it. Not only was Ayumi physically and emotionally abusive towards her for basically her whole life, but she also victim blamed her when her stepfather turned out to have a inappropriate interest in her. Even when she was literally a child, she was not allowed to simply exist without being subjected to other people's gaze and objectification.

It's also worth noting that the abuse Ai grew up experiencing - Ayumi's violence and neglect and living with the possibility of sexual assault at her stepfather's hands - are all things that can contribute to hypersexuality in puberty or at the very least, being prematurely sexually active and/or partaking in risky sexual behaviour and I think all of these are true for Ai as well, to varying degrees. My read has always been that the twins' father was not her first or only sexual partner (though he was her last) and I think this is something the work itself supports as well - Akane identifies Ai as having behavioral issues typical of someone who began having sex during puberty (and she does specifically say 'puberty' in Japanese, not just 'as a teen') but that this behaviour mostly tapered off by the time she was 15 and credits it by inference to Kamiki. So obviously, if the 'unbalanced behaviour' as the result of sex predates her meeting Kamiki… you know?

I also just personally find that a more compelling read of Ai for a variety of reasons - and it just sort of makes sense to me, to imagine her as this girl desperately trying to figure out how to love people, wanting to connect with people but not knowing how to do it, someone defined by the ways she contorts herself to respond to the dirty desires of the people around her… idk, it just feels Correct to me in light of everything to assume that she went through a few boyfriends before Kamiki, all relationships that went very fast, escalated to intimacy at light speed then just sort of fell apart after. And we know from what Ayumi admitted - and from some of the things Ai has said - that Ayumi absolutely was slutshaming and victim blaming Ai when she was in her care. So much of what Ayumi did to her forms the foundation of the present day Ai's self-loathing and self-image issues, so I imagine she felt a lot of prebaked guilt and shame when she did actually start having sex, especially at a young age and outside the bounds of a what society regards as an acceptable circumstance for a girl to be having sex. So add idol culture on top of all that, and…

I don't think Ai's relationship with sex is necessarily the main issue she struggles with but it does feed off and into a lot of the other things that cause her pain and being able to untangle that would represent an earthshattering breakthrough for her. This is why it's so important that Oshi no Ko never ones tries to debunk or disprove Ai's assertion that she is 'impure' or 'dirty' and why I do not think a positive character arc for her could never come from someone trying to convince her that she isn't. Because that doesn't actually disprove anything - it still frames purity and virginity as a state of grace that can be fallen from and reinforces Ai's view of herself that she only has value, that she only deserves to be treated with respect so long as she's still 'pure'. Even if you could convince her that she's 'pure', she would inevitably be stained again and hate herself all the more for it. The only way out is to break out of this method of thinking altogether, to realize that 'purity' and 'impurity' don't mean anything - and more importantly, that even though she is dirty, impure and all the rest of it, she is still capable and deserving of loving others and being loved in return.

To quote something I've said before on this topic: "Love, for Ai, is a person seeing her most wretched and unacceptable self, her self hate and avoidance and everything about her she thinks is filthy and wrong, and actively choosing to accept her as she is, warts and all. […] There's this very strong underlying current in Ai's arc of self-directed shame and self-hate in relation to her sexuality that fuels perception of herself as 'dirty' and 'impure' - all because she is a person who wants and enjoys sex. I really enjoy getting to have Ai work through that specific hangup with a partner who loves her - not from the angle of 'of course you're not dirty' but 'even if you are, I want you anyway'."

So much of what hurts Ai is other people refusing to accept 'Ai Hoshino' and even being actively repelled and repulsed by her, choosing instead to believe so fervently in the inhumanly perfect 'Ai of B-Komachi' that they convince themselves the real Ai is just a trick of the light. Sex is basically the ultimate refutation to that - it's someone saying they actively choose the dirty, broken real thing which is what Ai has desperately been searching for her entire life. It's also the inverse of the plastic. sanitized intimacy Ai sells as an idol - rather that pretty lies of love, it's dirty, physical intimacy, something she can do as much for herself as the person with her, something that can only ever be hers as Ai Hoshino because it's antithetical to everything Ai of B-Komachi is.

what i'm saying is: can this girl PLEASE get some good dick. i don't know how much of anything it would fix but it would make her calm down at least a little.

ALL JOKING ASIDE……. thank you again for your patience anon and i'm sorry this was so rambly lKNDKSCXSNDS. like i said up top, this is a topic i have a lot of thoughts on and i wanted to get them all out into this post. i hope this was interesting to read…!

[troublemaker203]

Murtagh Fitzgibbons x Fem! Reader - Arranged Marriage Pt. 3

Word Count: 1854

Summary: After your father had been killed and your brother had been taken by the Redcoats, you were left behind. A group of highlanders come across your ravaged house and decide to take you with them to Castle Leoch. Since you have lost the protection from your father and brother, it is decided that you should be married, in order to keep you protected from the Redcoats.

Warnings: None

Part 2

As soon as the door of Colum's office closed behind you, you panicked. Should you try to escape? No. No, that wasn't a good plan. You would get caught and likely get thrown into the dungeons. So you would get married. Would you, though? This could not be real, right? Absentmindedly, you started to wander through the castle thinking about how you would handle this situation. Did you want to marry either of those men? Who would be worse? Dougal had made it known that he found you quite... pleasant. But did you find him pleasant, too? Not in the least. And Murtagh was a grumpy man; how could you ever find a way to live with such a person?               Because you were so caught up in your own thoughts you hadn’t noticed that you had walked outside and were now strolling through the gardens. A voice made you snap out of it. “Hello, Y/N,” Claire said, “I am surprised to see you here.” “Yes, well, I just came from…” you motioned towards the castle and Claire nodded. “Yes, I wondered when they would break the news to you. Have they… Do you know who you are going to marry?” “No. Colum said he will announce it tonight,” you looked down at your feet, “during a great feast, for all to hear.” When you looked back up at Claire, your eyes had welled up. “Hey,” she stepped towards you and put her warm hand on your arm, “I was once in your position, and, yes, I was scared, too, but now I can’t imagine a life without Jamie. Any man would be lucky to have you and I am sure that you will be treated with love and respect.” “But I don’t want to marry either of them,” you whispered, afraid to cry. “Of whom?” “Dougal or Murtagh.” “Oh.” Claire paused for a moment. “Dougal might be a little bit much in the beginning, but he is a strong man and he will protect you with his life, so you will always be safe when you’re with him.” “And Murtagh?” “Murtagh is… well, I think he will be the most loving husband you will ever meet.” “But he does not look friendly at all.” Claire laughed. “I know, but, trust me, he has a heart of gold. Don’t let his surly expression fool you, my dear.” You nodded. “Do you want to help me sort the herbs in my practice? It will help you get your mind off things. Maybe you could help me more often? I could really use some help with all of the patients; I do hope you’re not scared of blood?” You shook your head. “No,” you smiled at Claire, “and I would love to help, thank you.”

              You had never been in Claire’s practice before and your eyes widened when you walked down the stairs, into the big room. There were hundreds of jars filled with herbs of which you had never heard the name. “I don’t know how good I am at any of this.” Claire smiled lovingly at you. “Don’t worry, I will teach you everything you need to know, it won’t be that hard.” She handed you some jars after she had set down her basket with herbs and started explaining the various uses and how to prepare them. It took you two the whole afternoon to organize everything and you even helped Claire with a patient: one of the young boys at the castle had hurt himself on the fire in the kitchen and Claire had showed you how to dress his wounds. It was a very educational afternoon and you were relieved that it had taken your mind off things.               After a while, mistress Fitzgibbons came down the stairs to fetch you. “Hello, my dear, I came to fetch ye to get ye ready for the evening.” You looked at Claire who gave you an encouraging look. You followed mistress Fitzgibbons to your room where, unbeknownst to you, a beautiful dress was waiting for you. The fabric was sprawled out on your bed and it looked very expensive. You looked questioningly at mistress Fitzgibbons. “It’s a special dress, for a special occasion,” she winked at you, but you couldn’t feel happy about this so-called ‘special’ occasion. You felt like there were rocks in your stomach and you thought about how you could escape, but Claire had already explained that escaping would be impossible, since there were guards everywhere. “Trust me,” she had said, “I have tried.” Mistress Fitz had set you down on a chair in front of the mirror and started brushing your hair. You looked at her in the mirror and she looked at you, giving you a warm smile; she could probably see the fear in your eyes and she wanted you to feel safe. You smiled back at her, but your eyes did not smile. “Dinna fash, lass, you will be in good hands.” You wanted to believe her, but the truth was that you did not know any of those men and now you were expected to marry and, eventually – and sooner than later – share the bed with one of them. You knew that the consummation of a marriage was very important and none of these people would rest before they were sure that it had happened. You could already see them sitting, drinking downstairs, waiting for the moment that you and your husband – whoever that may be – went to bed.              You had been sitting in silence for a moment and Mistress Fitz was almost done with your hair. "Do you know when the wedding will be taking place?" you asked, hopeful that she would be able to have an answer to one of your many questions. "Not exactly, but I expect it will happen tomorrow, or the day after." "And..." you hardly dared to ask the question, "do you know to whom...?" The old lady shook her head. "No, I am sorry, dear, but you should not worry too much. These men may bark, but they don't bite, I can tell you that much." You smiled at her, glad for her attempts to put your mind at ease.        After she had put the last hand to your hair, she put her hands on your shoulders. "There, such a pretty lass." You looked at yourself in the mirror and she was right, you did look very pretty. "Up you get, let's get you in that dress." You stood up and started to undress yourself with the help of Mistress Fitz. You stepped into the beautiful green dress and the fabric had not only looked expensive, it felt really expensive, too. It was of the loveliest colour green and it suited you very well. You were laced up and as you glanced at yourself in the mirror, you could not believe that the woman staring back at you was really you. Mistress Fitz put a string of pearls around your neck to really finish the look. She handed you a pair of shoes and you knew that this was the last step before you had to go downstairs. Your heart was beating aggressively in your chest and you were afraid that it would jump out.

By the time your shoes were put on by Mistress Fitz, you felt really lightheaded and you grabbed the woman’s arm to steady yourself. “Come on, lass, I willna let ye go. Let us head downstairs.” You nodded, unable to speak, and the two of you started making your way to the great hall.

Once in the hall, you could see that it was greatly decorated and the long tables were filled with enormous amounts of food; it certainly looked like a special occasion. “Now, my dear, I am going to have to let ye go now, since you will be seated at the table in the front.” Still not able to speak you nodded that you had understood what she had said. She carefully let go of your arm, testing to see if your own legs could carry you. Fortunately, your legs had gotten their strength back; at least, enough to carry yourself towards your seat. Colum stood up as you approached the table. “Ah, there she is! Have a seat, Y/N.” “Thank you,” you said, sitting down next to him. Colum started to speak to everyone who was seated in the hall. “Welcome to this special evening, everyone. We are all here to celebrate the marriage that will take place tomorrow. A marriage between this lovely lady here,” he motioned towards you, “and the man who is waiting to reveal himself as her future husband.” You scanned the room. The chair on the other side of Colum was still empty. There was no sight of Dougal; was he to be your husband? You looked for Murtagh but he was not present either. They were both probably waiting outside the hall, and one of them would walk in when Colum would ask for your husband to reveal himself. “So, we have come to the point where it is only fair to this lady to know who her husband will be.” Here we go. “May I ask for the husband-to-be of Y/N to step into the hall?” Everyone had gone quiet and you could hear footsteps approaching. You closed your eyes, not daring to look at who it would be. The footsteps got closer until they stopped. “It will be hard to see who I am when ye’ve got yer eyes closed, lass,” someone said. You did not recognize the voice to be Dougal’s and when you opened your eyes, you were greeted by the friendly, brown eyes of Murtagh. Were you relieved? Murtagh took your hand and placed a soft kiss on your knuckles, followed by a small wink; so small that you were sure only you could see it. Were those small butterflies in your stomach? You could feel your cheeks starting to get red and you quickly looked down. “It is an honour to marry ye, Y/N.” You looked up and smiled at him, not sure what to say. Murtagh had let go of your hand and made his way to his seat. You noticed that Dougal had made his way into the hall as well and a slight hint of jealousy could be detected on his face, though you were unsure why. “A toast,” Colum started, raising his glass and you and everyone else followed him, “to the bride and groom to be.” Everyone raised their glasses higher and took a sip. You took a big sip of the strong – stronger than you expected – wine. “As I mentioned, the wedding will take place tomorrow and I promise that it will be an even bigger feast than tonight and you’re all invited!” This announcement was followed by a lot of people shouting and raising their glasses. You looked at Murtagh and even he was smiling slightly. You would be married to this man tomorrow…

Tag list:

@hobbitsesoftheshire

@mysticalsoups

[smoshpostiing]

for me, it isn't really about "shipping" them. based on how much we see the whole cast on camera and the nature of the videos, it's almost like a big second friend group for us and a place to hang out with them. for me at least, that is the relationship that is presented for me as the audience; as one of them in a way since there are a lot of ways to interact like comments and suggestions.

with all of that and the years we've all watched them, for me it just feels like rooting for two of my friends to go for a relationship, which is in itself harmless, whether or not they go through with it it isn't up to us just like if they were in our friend groups in person.

it feels like i've seen two friends almost grow up (as young adults) together, have amazing chemistry, care for each other, and become true best friends, but also share how they've struggled with relationships in the past. if they can struggle to find a partner outside and are already such a good match, it seems too good to pass up. i want two of my "friends" to be happy regardless of the risks they might have with working together. if i were ian and anthony they would already have my blessing, but the decision is truly only up to both of them.

i also don't believe we should ever 1) use the word "proof" and 2) go through things they haven't openly shared with us in the same way we'd never do that to our other friends in real life. just because there are two screens between us, doesn't make it ok for that to happen. if it isn't something we wouldn't do to our other friends, we especially shouldn't do it with them. i think the more we go over that boundary, the farther they pull back from it.

we do owe them a little better. anything we would do with friends in real life is completely valid, and fun, and comes from a place of wanting people to be happy while 100% not having the pressure on them to do so. anything we wouldn't do in person just pulls them closer against their chests.

the more we are willing to take from their personal lives, the less they are willing to share from their personal lives because people will keep trying to take more.

they've shared in the past they are ok with people shipping them all in good fun, but i just get a little sad sometimes thinking about how they must feel when we do step over that line. i think when courtney said "guys, don't speculate online about other people's relationships online" in the recent get 7th video, i think this is what they were referring to. when we go further than what they previously said they were comfortable with.

i hope this was well put and doesn't come across as antagonistic toward the community because i mean it in the exact opposite way.

(i really like how respectful you are in these responses and posts, keep it up!)

hey anon thank you so much for this!! its super insightful and i would love to discuss. you raise a lot of important and true points and i think its very important to think about this stuff from time to time!!!

for me at least, that is the relationship that is presented for me as the audience

i agree! smosh has built an excellent rapport with their audience and have such an intricate and unique business/brand model that can be personal to audience and to the company whilst still accommodating boundaries and maintaining respect!! i could honestly go on about it for pages and pages but i wont right now because theres much more to discuss here!!

whether or not they go through with it it isn't up to us

i am on the same page 10000% and it's likely you've seen me post about this on here before. as much as we are fans and part of a community where we can ship and make fanart and rpf and theorise and discuss, we are also smosh's AUDIENCE. not to mention that shayne and court's relationship (romantic or otherwise) is a very real part of their personal lives away from smosh and we do not get to decide what they do or don't share with us.

it feels like i've seen them almost grow up (as young adults) together, have amazing chemistry, care for each other, and become true best friends

absolutely 🥹 i think a lot of you will agree with me or relate in the sense that i have been able to grow up with smosh, and watched them grow and become who they are all whilst figuring that stuff out for myself!! its no wonder people are excited and curious about them, when we have been the audience there with them watching them grow through the many years!!

also don't believe we should ever 1) use the word "proof" and 2) go through things they haven't openly shared with us in the same way we'd never do that to our other friends in real life. just because there are two screens between us, doesn't make it ok for that to happen. if it isn't something we wouldn't do to our other friends, we especially shouldn't do it with them. i think the more we go over that boundary, the farther they pull back from it.

THIS IS THE EXACT POINT I TRY TO MAKE VERY CLEAR ON MY BLOG!! personally, i believe not only that it violates their boundaries and privacy and disrespects them, but it is dehumanising and almost treats S+C as characters rather than real people.

the golden rules of my blog are

1)to never mention "proofs" or "evidence"(i will send a warning just in case someone wasnt aware of the harm it can cause, after that if it happens again, blocked)

2) it's not okay to try and discuss moments or images that aren't specifically shared by either of their personal social media accounts or on smosh (or any channel they appear on as work). anything not shared from these cannot guarantee that it had s or c's consent to be shared and can risk violating their privacy.

and 3) to never bother s or c or anyone associated with them by trying to speculate about the relationship they have. again, boundaries, privacy, comfort and respect. pretty simple.

the more we are willing to take from their personal lives, the less they are willing to share from their personal lives because people will keep trying to take more.

this is such a fantastic point anon. i wish i could show everyone in the smoshblr community and particularly shourtney shippers this. (and again, it all comes back to s+c's comfort when it comes to sharing. the only way we can guarantee they are comfortable is by showing them that we respect their boundaries and privacy.)

(i really like how respectful you are in these responses and posts, keep it up!)

thank you anon! i think its really important to just be as transparent as possible when it comes to these discussions about shourtney. thank you for your ask!! im glad i had an opportunity to discuss these topics in depth.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

Have you noted how when it comes to Mai & Ty Lee, Azula has no qualms letting them know that in the long run, their voice doesn't matter. She think she knows what's better for them. However when it's Zuko, she also does think she knows what's better for him, that she knows what he wants deep inside, but it matters to her that this choice is not foisted upon him. She wants him to have freedom of choice, she wants the loyalty of the prince of the FN on its side/her brother on her side GENUINELY, not compulsorily. So like, does that mean Azula is classist towards her own friends because they're not royalty? Does she, in a way, have more respect for Zuko than she has for her friends?

While Zuko out-ranking both Mai and Ty Lee in Azula's mind because, instead of just being a noble like them, he is a royal like her, is indeed one of the reasons why she allowed him to choose, but it's not the only one (and even then we have moments like Azula not punishing Mai for explicitly disobeying her in The Drill, something very few people would get away with, nobility/royalty or not).

For starters, while at first Mai and Ty Lee didn't want to fully cut Azula out of their lives, they wanted to be able to decide how close she could get to them, how much influence she'd have over their lives - they wanted her as their friend, not as the princess they MUST obey. Mai and Ty Lee wanted to be able to leave, even if not permanently. Meanwhile, Zuko wanted to come back. Even after all the horrible things their family put him through, he still wanted to be part of it.

Of course Azula, the control-freak with severe abandonment issues, is going to offer a choice to the person that actively wants to return to their toxic cycle, not to the ones that are trying to break it. Of course she'll be more leanient with the person that is trying to be in her life and more hostile to the ones that are, in her eyes, pushing her away. And we see in the last few episodes that, when Zuko regreted his choice, any sympathy, compassion and respect she ever had for him was suppressed and she went for the "I'm going to celebrate becoming an only child" approach because Azula can't handle rejection.

There's also her loyalty to the Fire Nation, and more importantly to Ozai, to take into account as well. When she's reunited with Mai and Ty Lee in book 2, she's not demanding them to simply keep her company, she's recruiting them for a mission because she genuinely believes they're far more competent for the job than anyone else, and she's right. Ozai is canonically the person Azula loves the most in the whole world, and she takes her role as princess, and possible future Fire Lord, VERY seriously. She might care about her friends in her own way, but they're gonna have to understand that what they want is simply not as as important to her as what Ozai wants and what Azula believes is best for the Fire Nation - and if they want to turn their backs on her when she's doing right their country and Fire Lord, then they are forgetting their place and need to be reminded of it, and in fact should be thankful that is "allowing them to correct their behavior" instead of going labelling them as traitors right away.

And then there's Zuko. The banished prince that is likely never going to be allowed home again. The one that went against Azula for the Avatar - but not to help the Avatar. His intention is not to harm the Fire Nation, but to prove his loyalty to it. Sure, he's doing it by stealing a big opportunity from his sister and princess, but I think we all know Azula would do the same. By doing this he is also showing that he is no longer the "weak" child that cowered before a fight, because let's face it, Azula might understand what the pain of desperately trying to live up to impossible standards feels like, but she is yet to realize that Ozai is in the wrong for imposing said standards on them.

Zuko is not a disobedient ally/subordinate, he's an enemy that is showing he can be VERY useful, provided he is given what he wants. He also cannot and will not be intimidated - literally everytime Azula is posing any kind of threat to him during the entirity of book 2, Zuko ALWAYS goes straight into fight mode. That boy has, through sheer stubborness instead of cunning, put himself in a position in which Azula won't achieve anything by threatening him, and would actually have more to gain by working with him instead of against him.

Not to mention: making a mutually benefitial deal with an enemy and thus bringing them over to your side is a smart move and thus something to be proud of. Offering your enemy deal, having them reject it, and then you crush them like you would have done if the deal had never been offered is still pretty badass and means that, while you didn't win anything new, you didn't lose something you already had either. But failing to control your subordinates? That's humiliating because it proves you're not as scary/powerful as you thought.

And, at last, we have a fact that the lead writer, Aaron Ehasz, made explicit when he was talking about a possible Azula redemption if Avatar had gotten a fourth season: Zuko would have been the one guiding Azula through it because he's the person she loves the most after Ozai.

OF COURSE he gets perks Mai and Ty Lee didn't get. They matter to her, but not as much as Zuko. They're her friends, but he's her family. Considering the seeds for that redemption arc (that we unfortunatelly never got to see be even properly planned in detail), it makes sense that the people she had a more unequal relationship with would be the ones to turn away from her for their own sake, leading to her hitting rock bottom, while the one that was more on her level would eventually be the one that would have stood by her side after it all - giving her a second chance in book 4 in a direct parallel to second chance she gave him in book 2.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

For the BL tropes, can I ask 2, 15 and 18? -☆

2- Friends to Lovers 

Cake and Seeiw, My Only 12% 

I am so annoyed at this show for fucking it up in the last hour and a half because I enjoyed so much of this for so long. I think it is truly one of the only true friends to lovers stories that exist. Because these two knew each other for a very long time, they were friends for a very long time, and they are separated for a very long time. And then Cake returns, and feelings change, and we start in on the more traditional, “friends to lovers” where one person is secretly pining while they wait for the other to catch wise. I remember liking this show a lot, and I remember deciding never to recommend it to anyone because they wasted the last episode and a half of the show on one long PSA against third-hand smoke.

YOU KNOW WHAT, NO. SCRATCH THAT BECAUSE I HAVE A BETTER ONE

Cheep and Deej, My Ride

TELL ME WHY THE ESTABLISHED GAY UNCLES THAT ACT AS LIKE A FOURTH COUPLE IN MY RIDE HAVE ONE OF THE STRONGEST EXECUTIONS OF THE FRIENDS TO LOVERS TROPE. They worked together for years, the both had other partners, and then when they got broken up with, their mutual loneliness and platonic fondness for each other led them to spend more time around each other, to care more for each other, and slowly, over time that platonic, friendly tending turned in to romantic feelings. And here they are decades later still taking care of each other even as the years have put their feelings for each other in a new, matured stage.

15- Love Triangle

This trope is hard because most things we call love triangles aren’t actually a triangle, it’s a V. Usually I feel like a “love triangle” is two people competing for the affection of one person with the object of that affection having an extremely clear preference. So once again, I am going unconventional here 

Siam, Inthawut, Wang, 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us

Okay so this is not a BL, and the love here is not necessarily romantic, but holy shit is it just such a brilliant execution of what I would consider an non-traditional love triangle. Siam loves Inthawut but Inthawut is a coward and pushes Siam towards Mol. Siam loves Wang, so much so he stays in that relationship for longer than he should. Wang loves Siam in the way a person can love a thought, because that is his father and he never got to know him. Wang loves Ithawut because Mol refuses to tell him anything about Siam and In is the strongest connection that he has to his father’s memory. Inthawut loves Wang…but not really. He loves Wang because Wang has Siam’s face, he loves Wang because he does not see Wang, he sees Siam, and that love hurts, and that love breaks him and has always broken him. Siam is this hole in the narrative where a person should be, and it is because of the love they have for Siam that we get everything that comes in 180 Degree. 

18- Slow Burn 

See, I knew someone else was going to ask it, so that I could stop being blasphemous @lurkingshan 

Mork and Tawan, My Ride 

THE QUINTESSENTIAL SLOW BURN. They both are aware of their feelings from very early on, but Tawan has a boyfriend so they cannot be together. Because Mork is respectful, and doesn’t want to ruin Tawan’s relationship if it is something good for Tawan. And Tawan is still desperately clinging to this idea that Por and him can be together if he just gets better. I think what I love so much about this show, and I will say it over and over again, is the reciprocity. Tawan and Mork before they are ever in a relationship are just constantly taking care of each other because they are nice people. And there is no a malicious bone in their of their bodies. Mork sees that Tawan is being cheated on, and is he at any point even briefly happy knowing that this obstacle to him getting with Tawan could be cleared? NO. HE IS DEVASTATED FOR TAWAN. I love them. I love them so much. I wish them a long and happy life together, and while i am usually a happy for now kind of person, if you were to ask me for one couple that would make it until the end of time together, this is who I would say.

For the BL Romance Tropes Ask Game

[a-vivid-dreamer]

Hey, I am now fully obsessed with this AU and I wanted to ask more questions:

1. Once the Trailblazer knows about Qingyan and Ashim existence, what will they think of them?

2. What is Ashim and Qingyan's relationship really like? What do they think of each other? What are these "dire incidents" that cause both of them to become close?

3. What do both Ashim and Qingyan think of the other characters? Like Fu Xuan, Jingyuan, the Astral Express and The Trailblazer?

4. Since you have confirmed that Qingyan actually did some pranks if someone makes gets him in a very bad mood, what are these times where Qingyan snapped and decided to prank on that person? Who was the one who pranked him? What was actually the prank like?

5.  Will any of the characters, who picked up Ashim and Qingyan's presence but never know about them, soon found out about them in this AU? If so, who was the first one (other than Jingyuan) to fully found out? And was their reaction?

6. When did Yanqing and Misha's powers become sentimental? Were Ashim and Qingyan sentimental ever since birth?

I hope these questions aren't too much for you to answer. Btw, I have just realized that most of the asks about Mirror image AU are pretty much from me💀

Haha, it’s alright. <3

1. I’d say, definitely a bit wary. Though, the trailblazer will be more casual and relaxed about them once Qingyan and Ahsim make it clear they’re not gonna be enemies to the trailblazer.

2.

Qingyan and Ahsim have ended up with a close relationship and think highly of each other even though they tend to bicker. While it may seem that they have trouble getting along, they have gained a better understanding of each other and wouldn’t hesitate to help each other. In a way, their relationship has a similar energy to Qingyan being able to give Ahsim the middle finger and get an “love you too” in response.

For Qingyan’s pov on Ahsim: “That one…ugh. He knows exactly how to get on my nerves and the amount of times he’s messed with me for fun leaves me fuming just thinking about it! …But he’s one of the rare few I’d entrust my life to. …Never tell him I said that.”

For Ahsim’s pov on Qingyan: “Ha, he’s a fun one to tease. Incredibly easy to mess with too. It’s especially cute how that strand of hair seems to move according to his mood. I once suggested plucking it and he got incredibly defensive, haha. Ah…of course I wouldn’t actually, but it’d be nice if he learned how to relax. Maybe one day he’ll take my jokes in stride.”

As for the “dire incidents”… unfortunately that’s very important to this au’s plot so I won’t be spoiling it. ;)

3. Since this would get a bit long, I’ll keep it to 3 for each for now.

Qingyan:

About Jing Yuan - “A capable man for a general, but it’s never good for a schemer to have a laidback attitude. He may be Yanqing’s guardian, but I won’t be so easy to win over. I’ve got my eyes on him… If only Yanqing could understand why to not have such blind worship toward him.”

About Fu Xuan - “For someone’s job to be divining potential futures… It’s no wonder she comes off as a grumpy office worker. That device stuck in her head definitely doesn’t help. But I respect what she’s trying to do…and I especially enjoy seeing her chew people out.”

About Astral Express - “I’ve learned about the Astral Express before… Who would’ve thought someone would start dusting off those old tracks and get things running again. Fortunately, it seems its current Nameless have nothing but good intentions. But any future members…you should always watch out for snakes if you plan to pick up people from different parts of the universe with their own stories and motivations.”

Ahsim:

About The Family - “The Family… It would be a lie to say they haven’t done anything good. However, I… Ahem. This isn’t a very safe place to discuss this.”

About Clockie - “A fascinating one, isn’t he? Ah, there’s been many fun times between us. Though, I’m mostly grateful that he could become a friend for Misha. I hope that Misha will someday get the chance to make even more wonderful friends.”

About Gallagher - “I’ve had my eyes on him for a while. I’d approach him myself but…ah. It’s not quite the right time.”

4. This was meant more as a background funfact so it unfortunately doesn’t have that much in-depth details to it. However, Qingyan may or may not have done the following: misplacing documents that needed to be turned in, using ice to make armor harder to take off, making someone slip/trip, sticking embarrassing sticky notes on someone’s back, tampering with someone’s food, etc.

5. At the moment, this is highly subject to change so I won’t provide any solid answers to this yet. However, Fu Xuan and Blackswan are certainly higher in the list. Both of them would have rather calm reactions to be honest. Fu Xuan might be more exasperated and Blackswan probably more intrigued.

6. Qingyan and Ahsim became fully sentient and made first true contact with their respective hosts when Yanqing and Misha were little. Before that, their sentience needed some time to develop.

[rockngyrroser]

therapy of the strongest sorcerer. part 2.

PART 2

"I can tell you what bothers me but... it can be harder to deal with it than you could imagine. i need to explain some weird things to you and you probably won't understand-" he said it with such a regret and sadness in his voice.

"i know that  your company said something about different world  when they were talking with me about your sessions, before you get to know that you even will be coming here every week. but explain it to me if you can, gojo-san."

"at first, can you call me gojo-kun? 'san' feels cold, sorry." he looked like a kid now.

"yea, gojo-kun, you better call me (l/n)-san, maybe someday i'll let you call me (l/n)-chan. but.. we'll see. you have problems with trusting others?"

"i think.. maybe? i trust a group of people in my life, but i never tried to trust somebody else. just people who will be by my side for longer time and i know it. i never trusted anybody who would be like my friend for one day..  i can't somehow."

"but still you seem opened, even if you don't trust them, maybe acting? is this a way to escape it?"

"i don't really care about how people see me. i think.. i am important. so they have to respect me." he looked at your notes and then he looked at you, this was the first time when you noticed how blue his eyes are.

"that's bold statement, you know, gojo-kun? it's not like you have a good position in your work so they have to respect you no matter what. maybe as a worker, yes, but as a human? nah.. they definitely don't have to.."

"so how will you change my mind?"

"you want me to? i can, but if you don't want to, this doesn't make any sense." challenging him was the best method to make him take some actions.

"i'll let you change my perspective, if this will be satisfying enough for me, i'll change it in my life."

you looked at him. it was little victory of yours if he would do as he said.

"you sure?" you asked with smile.

"don't trust me? huh?" he said playfully.

"oh, gojo-kun, finally! i'm happy you're like that." you looked at him after you said it and you could see that his cheeks were a little blushed.

"we'll you see..." you started explaining to him that he should look at himself as a person, but with roles in society. he is not only worker, but also a friend, family member etc. you said to him that he has to look at himself in those parts, how he acts towards people in every role, because this is how they see him - through his actions.

"gojo-kun, you have to understand, that some guy on the street will see you as a some random person. maybe he'll forget about you in 5 minutes, but... i don't think so as long as you have white hair and sky blue eyes. you stand out, but i consider it as something good, but that's just my personal opinion." you could see him blush again. it looked like nobody ever gave him personal compliments, but this guy could be like that.. he definitely look like someone who has a bunch of woman in his house. "tell me how do you understand my words."

"that i should be working for my public opinion in every social role that i have, and it all will be my person figure in public. like.. hm.. my actions in every sector of my life will equal my real value. if i'll show respect to other people, they will be showing respect towards me?"

"yea! this is it!" you cheered him. "it feels like you want to be more respected than others respect you, but i think we will talk about it on our next session. it is long topic, so i'll prepare myself more for this."

"oh, it is like a homework for you, isn't it?" he asked.

"maybe? hm.. it is. but your homework will be start treating others with respect."

"okay, just for one week, but if it won't work.. i'll stop."

"oh my god.. i hope the luck will be there with us" you sighed.

"you should be more optimistic, (l/n)-san"

"i already am!" you laughed. it was really different. session with gojo satoru made you laugh and you felt now like sunshine is in your soul.

"our session time is over now, you are free, satoru gojo!"

"yeeaah! freedom!" he laughed. "see you next week then!" he said and left you in your office.

[sugarpsalms]

sugar's ocs, one piece edition! Do you have time to talk about Donquixote Rosaline ("uuuh, it's Roz, don't call me that") today? GREAT! basic info sheets above the cut; a more detailed discussion of how her parents got around to conceiving her below~

I could talk about Roz all day, and definitely will if someone gets me going, but the usual first thing that comes up is how did Law comfy enough with Doflamingo to get pregnant in the first place? I'll go ahead and tackle that here (while trying to be as brief as possible aksjdf)!

In the Roz-iverse, Law and Doflamingo's relationship is canon compliant up to the point of him going to prison. It diverges there, with him only spending about 2 years in lock-up before a massive riot breaks out, which he exploits (along with a few fortuitous connections inside) to escape.

His luck runs dry again there, though, as on the outside he has nothing left now; not even really anywhere to go. Cue him spending the next 10 months or so actively on the run, having just the worst time; bad turn after increasingly and debilitatingly bad turn, all which eventually lead to him going to track Law down.

In the time before this reunion (so, approximately three years) Law is going through the motions of working towards new goals but feeling...less accomplished than he'd hoped. Ever since the events at Dressrosa, a cloud of what now has been looming over him, and while he'd expected that, he also expected it to dissipate. He figured that after the dust settled and he got used to the idea of Doflamingo being (presumably) out of his life for good, he'd be reinvigorated, have this new zest for life and a drive to accomplish whatever half-baked desire popped into his brain. But that hasn't happened yet, and while he's fine (really, yes, totally fine) he's also feeling quite strange. No matter where he goes or what he does, he can't stop himself from thinking about Doffy. It's like he's sitting on this massive goose egg of unresolved something, and also (mortifyingly) a kind of guilt that he just can't place the source of.

Once he finds out that Doflamingo escaped, however, all of this gets pushed temporarily to the back burner. Assuming he's going to get wrecked in return soon, he switches to evasive maneuvers and keeps his crew on the move near constantly after the news hits. He also gets a bit obsessive over tracking sightings of Doflamingo, which he tells himself is just practical for avoiding him; but honestly, this little scavenger hunt/cat-and-mouse chase has him feeling like his life has direction again, and while of course he'd rather keep avoiding him, he finds that after a while the idea of a confrontation isn't so off-putting. He finds himself fantasizing about it, actually; maybe even hoping for it.

When they do eventually cross paths again, though, it doesn't go how Law expects. Doflamingo surprises him with his arrival, proving that Law was right about the guy tracking him down, but the reason for it wasn't what he assumed it'd be. Doflamingo isn't at all interested in a rematch. He's dead tired, beat to hell, and desperate want of a bit of cover - even just for a few weeks! He isn't picky, he'll take what he gets; and he's entirely convinced that the person he should get it from is Law. He's paid some blood back, Law got his revenge arc, so they should be good, right? This clears the board. And if the board is clear... well, actually, that means Law owes him. Doflamingo did care for him as a child, after all, and if they aren't beefing, Law is in his debt for that.

And this is. Well. Law can't entirely argue with it. They're similar in a lot of respects, but particularly in how they conceive of transactional relationships. Much as Law doesn't care for it, he can't deny that he owes Doflamingo something - at least, in this very particular sense. So, despite the tense reunion with feelings and nastiness all over the place, he does eventually agree to put Doflamingo up for a while. Partially because, as said, he feels obligated; partially because kicking Doflamingo in this weakened state would be ultimately unsatisfying; partially because he's never been entirely comfortable with harming Doflamingo with his own hands. Partially because, he can privately admit, Doflamingo is the last connection he has to Cora; partially because, he hesitates to admit even to himself, this is the most he's felt in a while and it's all a bit thrilling.

From there, things progress slowly and awkwardly, but quite naturally. True to form, Doflamingo gets his hooks in and overstays his welcome. He takes full advantage of Law's hospitality and worms his way expertly into the crew's daily life, and in doing so, forces Law to acclimate. Doflamingo is useful to have around, actually, Law admits to himself after a while; he's not opposed to pulling his own weight when directly asked, and all that extra muscle (once he's in good health) and experience with navigation and scheming is actually beneficial. Not to mention, he's a charmer. It doesn't take long for Doflamingo to make friends. He develops a good rapport with a number of Law's crew, somehow manages to claim his own room, wrangles a say in (very) minor internal matters. And Law...he knows he should put an end to it. He knows it's dragging out. He knows it's getting too comfortable. But honestly, he's getting used to it. He's letting is guard down a bit, and every time he does, he finds it easier to get along with Doflamingo than he remembers. Annoying as the man is in most cases, Law is reluctant (for reasons he refuses to look directly into they eyes of) to make him go.

After a few years of this - Doflamingo on and off the ship at this point, because he does get back on his feet and get cabin fever and want to go off on his own now and then - their relationship has improved enough for them to start. Hm. Getting cozy. Law doesn't plan on it happening at all, but he likes the push and pull they have going; he likes how he can be mean and catty and nip and Doffy and get a little bite back. He likes that he has someone around who reads the same weird books he does, and who negates his worry about being the most off-putting bitch in the room. He also likes having someone around he can talk to about Cora, though that takes some work. Early experiments with that go...badly.

Overall, once Law gets used to the set up and allows himself to think of Doflamingo as himself, without the burden of The Everything Else, he finds him...not that bad. Actually, he kind of enjoys him. Enough to get drunk with and catfight their way into bed, at least.

It's not a relationship; Law insists on that, as does Doflamingo. They see other people, particularly when Doffy's away, but they enjoy each other's company when they're in the same place. So much so, in fact, that Law gets comfortable enough to forget to be careful now and then. Which is, um, incidentally how little Rosaline gets conceived.

[multifandom-worlds]

My Dear General: Chapter 6 - Brighter Shines the Sun After a Storm [End]

Genre: Angst ending in fluff

Word count: 1k

Warnings: Self-hatred

Authors Note: This is the end of My Dear General. I hope you enjoyed it! I wanted this to be fluffy, but angst brain be doing angst brain things. Thanks for being along on this ride.

Remember that your content consumption is on you

Tags: @holdmytesseract @sarahscribbles @simplyholl @lokisgoodgirl @ladyofthestayingpower @otome-and-fanfiction @buttercupcookies-blog @lokiprompt

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

It’s been two years since the Azailian Kingdom came under new management. Aidous was showing himself to be an excellent king alongside his trusted advisor - the schoolteacher that used to educate him and Astrid when they were young. Astrid and Loki remained back for two weeks to assist in burying the dead and rebuilding the city while the rest of the army, headed by Erik, returned to the Thovur to recover before phase 2 took effect. Astrid showed Loki around her old Kingdom, introducing him to people from her past who, unlike her father, cared for her. 

Loki and Astrid, upon their return, immediately staged a coup to overthrow Thor. He stood no chance and was dead by that evening. His death ushered in a new era for the Tolan Empire. Erik was the army general. Loki had been rightfully crowned Emporer, and the royal officials presented him with woman after woman to choose who would become his bride. Every woman was declined unceremoniously. There was only one woman Loki wanted at his side - Astrid. 

Having been relocated to the palace per Loki’s request, Astrid spent most of her time in the palace gardens amongst the flora and fauna native to Thovur. Her favourite thing in the entire garden was the moss. When questioned about it, Astrid had no explanation as to why the moss was her favourite; it just was. That was where Loki found her, lying amongst the flowers, watching as the clouds rolled by. 

He leans against the doorframe, quietly admiring her, wearing nothing but the finest linens the kingdom offered. He loved the way the different shades of green looked on her. She sat up, her back to him; that was when he saw all the flowers poking out of her braids - the orphans must have had a hand in that. When she wasn’t in the gardens, she was assisting in teaching the orphans so they had a better shot at life when they aged out - it was her pride and joy.

Loki clears his throat, catching her attention after silently admiring her for 10 minutes. She smiles, seeing him standing there. “Hello, your majesty.” She smiles, bowing her head in respect. Ever since Loki was crowned Emperor, even after she got moved into the palace, she always bowed - he was the ruler of the kingdom; she was a mere soldier.

“My dove, how often have I told you you do not need to bow? We are equals here, just as we were equals on the battlefield. You yourself are royalty; it is I that should be bowing to you.” Loki spoke, walking towards her and placing his hands on her hips. “Why do you insist on making yourself small? Why do you insist on making yourself less important in my life now? Talk to me, dove. Have I not been tending to your needs?”

Astrid sighs, resting her forehead against his. “How did the bride showing go? Have you picked who is to become the empire’s new Empress?” She questions, dodging his question. “I saw the women being walked in; they were gorgeous. I’m sure one of them would make a suitable bride for you.”

“Astrid, my dove.” Loki starts, cupping her cheeks with his hand. “There is only one person in the entire empire I wish to be my bride. It is a woman I have spent many days and nights in bed with, who has stood beside me in loss and victory—a woman who cannot or will not see her value in my life. Astrid, the only woman I want by my side for years to come is you. I love you, Astrid; I have for years. I don’t know if you feel the same, and it has crossed my mind that telling you my feelings might cause you to withdraw from me. I want you, Astrid, only you. Please, Astrid, tell me if I am not meeting your needs.”

Astrid sighed, pulling away from him. She was so conflicted about her feelings - on the one hand, he had treated her with so much love and kindness that she had never felt before, but on the other hand, she felt as though she was only a soldier to him, not anything more. 

“I… Loki. You have been the perfect lover, but should it not be time to move on to something more substantial than what we had? Loki, you deserve so much more than me; I understand my place. My desperate love for you does not matter when it comes to someone who will help keep your lineage alive. I release you from my love, Emperor; go make your decision for the greater good of the empire.”

Instead of walking away as she expected, Loki strides over to her, grasping her wrist and pulling her into an earth-shattering kiss. She was stunned for a second before she wrapped her arms around his neck, melting into his kiss. His hands snake around her waist, pulling her impossibly close to him. He has wanted to do this for years but never had the guts to. Her confession, as brief as it was, was enough to set his heart alight and all inhibitions to melt away. He finally knew his feelings were mutual.

After what feels like an eternity, Loki breaks the kiss before fishing for a box beneath his robes. “Astrid, will you become the empress of the Tolan Empire and rule by my side for as long as I shall rule?” He opens the box, showing a beautiful ring. Nowhere in the known empire could produce something as stunning as was in front of her, but that did not matter.

“Yes!” 

Loki places the ring on her finger before taking her hand and walking her back through the palace into the throneroom, where he announces that the advisors have been waiting to hear; Astrid at his side.

“I have made my decision. All rise and bear witness to the new Empress of the Tolan Empire!”

[anonanon230]

Hey all i'm about to say some things about Danielle that maybe you guys may not like. Truth is i've been here from the beginning when station 19 started. I was her biggest Fan from the beginning and knew immediately that she was one of the stars of the show. She did something very unique with the lives and being so close to the cast that was different from any show I had ever been a Fan off. She really gave the station 19 fanbase something so special in those earlier years.

So if you don't like what i'm about to say, just skip this and don't read on.

We all are aware of her relationship with Kevin. And the fact that the timeline just does not make sense. The sad truth is, she and Kevin 100% had an affair whilst he was still married. If we look at all the posts and their interactions and timeline it is quite obvious that's an affair happened. Whilst he was teaching her how to direct she was literally sleeping with him and the man was married.

I'm not hating on her like I said. I have been here as a big fan of the show and of hers since the very, very beginning. It is quite obvious that even her fellow castmates have realized this and have pulled away from her. She used to be so close with Barrett now it's like they don't even know each other.

We as a fan base, can even see this. And it is so sad that such a talented actress who we have loved and been supporting since the beginning has changed so much. Just because she has started a relationship with somebody.

We obviously want her to be happy and as her fans that should always be something that is at the forefront of how we show support. I just wish that she would have handled this whole situation a bit better.

Even if you had to look from the posts of 2022 to 2023, things have changed so drastically between her her interaction with the fans and her interaction with Stefania.

We can certainly see that her interaction with the other cast members is totally different than it ever was But unfortunately, she cannot change that or cannot show it when it comes to Stefania. Because their relationship is basically the reason why they're both still on the show.

When you look at the Con that recently happened a few months ago. It was such a huge difference compared to last year. Danielle really behaved like a completely different person. She was separated from the rest of them and just did not show that same loving nature that she had previously before she started dating Kevin. You could see such a void between her and Stefania. It was so evident in the panels.

Truth is, I feel very sorry for Stefania. Because there is a great chance that she is not as close to Danielle as she was, but she cannot show it because of the show and the fan base. She probably has her own feelings and towards what she knows Danielle did, in terms of having this affair with Kevin.

I will always be a huge fan of Marina and station 19 that will never change. But even I am beginning to realize that perhaps it might be better if the ship ends at some point just so that Stefania can have a chance to have a better on screen relationship with somebody else. She's such a talent that should not be held back. I think she will flourish if she moves on from Danielle.

I mean even when it comes to Kevin wtf they are literally together ALL the time. The man won't let her breathe. Is he going to be on set with her when they start filming??? Like c'mon there needs to be some distance.

Mark my words we are likely only going to have Danielle for another season or 2. Pretty sure she's gonna leave very soon to have kids and move on from the show. Which is not a bad. I'm not hating on her growing her family but geez this whole thing could've been handled better.

I just miss the Danielle that we used to have. The one that interacted with the fans but still kept her personal life to herself but didn't remove herself completely cos she was in a relationship.

Stefania handles it so much better she has so much respect for the fans. I really commend her for that. She understands us far better and if with her growing fame she hasn't changed.

Just wish the same could have been said for Danielle.

[quaddmgd]

Now that CyberHanami23 is over, I figured I'll clear my head and do a wrap-up on stuff I posted throughout the week. I went into it encouraged by my partner, without a clue about what I'll post and how long will it take me to break a streak. Turns out, I managed to post every day, which is something I'm very proud of.

I'm kinda new to this fandom, so during this week I managed to meet some beautiful people and see their jaw-dropping posts, made with love to their OCs and the franchise. Furthermore, I received an overwhelming amount of kind words towards my pics and characters in them. I can't find words to describe how grateful I am for that. It might sound cheesy, but for the lack of better words - thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to anyone that decided to even take a look at my stuff. It means a lot <3

So, how about some trivia about my cyberhanami23 posts? <3

I wanted to share more about Crystal and have a running theme - "Moving On" - but lack of any prior planning didn't do it a service. The theme is there, except it wasn't portrayed well at all. No one would ever guess what I had in mind. I wonder if I should write a post on how this theme relates to C.

For each day, I aimed to include a different character Crystal met at some point - and I almost managed to do that, apart from Day 7. There are many characters I'd like to include, but I wasn't able to come up with stories that would do them justice.

In Day 2, other than changing time of day, I didn't mess with the lighting. Yes, the last shot just came out like that, with no sun or any additional light sources. I didn't know how to do lighting yet.

I don't know what would be the deal between Crystal and Hanako, nor how does she know Meredith (Day 2 and Day 5). When I was initially developing her and listing every person she'll come in contact with, I figured she has to meet Hanako once. There are multiple reasons why their dynamic would be fantastic. Regarding Meredith, it's something I came up with the day before posting her. It'd be quite interesting if Stout had led a different life before becoming a corpo. And I wanted to pay her respect, as she ended up at the bottom of the ocean, wearing cement shoes, following my actions in the game.

Excluding blonde Crystal from Day 4, every picture from this week was shot the same day it was posted. Screenshots with blonde C are part of an upcoming post about her last day as a nomad. She's indeed a natural blonde and these pics are supposed to show that day.

The red Shion Targa MZT visible in some of the days is canonically Crystal's. She got it during a gig in the city. I love this car and it pisses me off that I can't buy it on console.

Elegy mentioned in Day 6 is @oranzuwu's OC and that Kusanagi in the last picture belongs to her. We know so much about each other's characters and figured out how they would meet and what kind of relationship they would have. Fun fact: Crystal knows Judy through Elegy.

I didn't know what to post on Day 7, so I started writing down songs I like with cool names, fitting for a title of the day. It didn't help, so my s/o came up with an idea to shoot pics of Crystal getting ready for bed - it's the 7th day after all, a time to rest. I started messing around and ended up snapping pictures of Crystal drinking beer with E3 2019 Fem V. It didn't fit any song, so I ditched the idea and went for back-alley Japantown tech-noir, also partially influenced by my s/o. Even though the original idea was scrapped, I'll probably post it in the next few days.

Originally I wanted to name Day 7 "Shadow Lady" or "Dark Paradise", but I settled on a song with lyrics that would fit the photos... and I felt the need to show my love for Ladytron - they're great. Although Dark Paradise doesn't fit the Day 7, it kinda makes sense as a theme song for the entire week.

I had a lot of fun and learned even more, especially regarding AMM. I never modded Cyberpunk before, as I mainly play the Xbox version. It didn't reach an acceptable level of performance on my rig and I switched to console. For the most part, I'm gonna stay there, at least until I run out of ways to creatively work around the constraints of its photo mode. Occasionally, I'll shoot something on PC, sure, but my GPU, even with FSR 2.1, doesn't produce satisfactory results - the internal res needed for playable framerates is just too low for it to look good. You don't wanna know what it takes for my PC to render these 1440p ultra settings images. Believe me, it's not used to do anything beyond running Linux, PS2 games and compiling code.

Anyway, it was cool to be a part of such event and I'm looking forward to participate in more of them, if the opportunity arises! For now, I'll continue posting my drafted screenshots and maybe even talk about something different than Cyberpunk to diversify a bit.

[leefi]

The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere Read-through | Part 6: 81-90

Part 1: 1-14 | Part 2: 14-22 | Part 3: 22-34 | Part 4: 34-64 | Part 5: 64-80 | Part 6: 81-90 | Part 7: 90-100 | Part 8: 100-127 (caught up here)

Using the Power, it was possible to create structures at obscene scales that never would have been feasible with manual or even mechanized labor, and examples of this could be found in most modern cities. There was the Aetherbridge and the colossal towers of the inner city in Old Yru, but I'd also seen the great library of Tem-Aphat, intended to store all the knowledge of the world on parchment, which was 300 stories tall and had the proportions of a pyramid-- They had to pump air into the higher floors so it didn't become hard to breathe. And even in Oreskios, there were the Thyrian Shipyards, which extended almost a mile out into the ocean and even

oh my GAWDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!! (takes off shirt that says I <3 BLACK HOLES to reveal a second one underneath that says I <3 MEGASTRUCTURES)

I glanced at her for a moment. Zeno really did seem utterly infatuated with my grandfather's work. It was making me increasingly curious about what exactly their relationship had been.

oooh she fucked that old man

didnt utsu also think that nef fucked that old man. everyone is fucking that old man

Seth made a skeptical look. "I didn't wanna say this back when we came down here the last time, but I don't think I quite get what makes it that big a deal. I mean, if you need all of this - this much space, this much energy, just to make one person physically young - isn't it just a safer version of cloning someone a new body, and transplanting the brain?" He looked to Kam. "That technology has been coming along pretty well recently, hasn't it?"

SETH SWEEP. SO TRUE.

"Ptolema said the same thing earlier," I told him.

"She did?" He hummed worriedly. "Maybe I should think it over again."

you are all so mean to her and you dont respect her and you

to be honest? to be honest. i think ptolema has good intuition and has probably been correct about a few things so far (ESPECIALLY observational things) and you bitchless losers are too far up your own asses to see it. and you all HATE WOMEN

This dialing back the clock on the world stuff Zeno is talking about is juicy. I want to see the Flower cast play Outer Wilds

Is Zeno even sure that time before the collapse as they currently understand it even exists? Is she even awares of how hard the (redacted) worked to (redacted) the (redacted) only to (redacted) a measly (redacted) (redacted)? play outer wilds

I’ve been waiting for a good opportunity to talk about this but I share sooo many of Kam’s thoughts on death and agree that every human life lost is an unfathomable tragedy. But I just hate how irresponsibly she seems to approach it especially with her complete lack of respect towards others' own autonomy to do what they wish with their lives and bodies. I hate prescriptiveness!!! Your ideal is not everyone else's!!!! i suppose that makes her a visionary but i don't care. kam the utter faith you hold in human technological advancement and evolution absent the fear of death is the same strength of faith that people draw from other sources. how dare you ridicule that, even if it seems stupid to you!!!!!

I personally believe that everything ultimately repeats -- or rather, every iteration of something will eventually play out, and things will keep happening over and over and over again. To be honest, it’s not a healthy belief system to hold. But I don’t really hold out hope for an infinite afterlife either. I guess I hope for it? But also how could we as finite beings ever unite with the concept of infinity? We would have to transform into something completely unrecognizable from what we are now to be able to do that. In any circumstance we eventually have to shed what we believe is integral to our senses of self. This is unavoidable no matter what we do, whether that's live forever or die somewhere else or crunch with the universe and reform exactly as ourselves, maybe slightly differently, maybe slightly worse, maybe sometimes we won't even exist at all. But it goes on forever, so does it really matter? In any case, the ephemerality of selfhood is a tragedy inherent to existing, and I don’t know how to reconcile it in my mind. All I know is that I really hate lasts, but I hate the idea of no new beginnings even more.

ohhhhhh the ransu and the cyclical nature of the narrative ohhhh the aftermath of the suicide attempt ohhhh. I think that suicide attempt really hit Ran with the gravity of what she’s been doing to Su's mental state. She also never answered what she and shiko were to each other…

HAMILCAR BLASTING OFF NUKES IN THE BASEMENT IS MAKING ME LOSE ITJSIDUDHHDDHHDHS

it seems a little redundant to have brought some of the students down in retrospect…could that have been intentionally set up?

"Hammy decided he wanted us well done," Fang explained. "Melted this whole weird place, but it looks like you hit the thingy in time." They furrowed their brow. "Is it weird that I always wanna give people cute nicknames right when they're trying to murder me?"

SO TRUEEEEEE JIA FANGGGGG!!!!! LET'S HOLD HANDS AND SKIP

kam is SOOOO funny in life or death situations. she should be put in them more often

The Fang/Kam beef being mutual is hysterical to me. I thought the contempt would be one-sided from Kam but some of these quips from Fang seem VERY pointed. That administrator comment hurt MY feelings

Lowkey this kids book about the fused people sounds like something in Plato’s Symposium — lovers used to be one person and then were separated by the gods for their hubris or some stupid shit, doomed to spend their lives trying to find their other half again. anyway look at this

Ohhh im at an index/glossary. Ok a few things here

Collapse: Shorthand for 'false vacuum collapse', a phenomenon of astrophysics where a lower minimum of energy in the vacuum is suddenly achieved, causing destabilization at a subatomic level which spreads at the speed of light until equilibrium is once again reached. Sometimes called 'decay' instead. Such an event was largely responsible for ending the Imperial Era and almost destroying human civilization, though there were also socioeconomic factors which radically impeded the response.

WHEEEEEEEE I KNEW IT. THE INHERENT HORROR OF COSMOLOGICAL PHYSICS SWEEP. It’s connected to entropy btw! I typed out a whole explanation then spared you of it :)

Also that last line? Those refuged in the tower of asphodel were only ones with the means? the rest of humanity (assuming an interstellar civilization/species, a population potentially numbering into the trillions) just dissolved with the old universe? Oh my god…

Uana immediately caught my attention as the only place that hasn’t banned egomancy. The description of their world is sooooo cool too. can we vacation there

so it’s the pneuma that makes the act of cloning so tricky?? that makes sense. Research surrounding it seems limited too considering pneumancy is banned. Never mind that the brain is such a sophisticated organ to begin with. as they say so much of engineering is merely a cheap imitation of mother natures beautiful gifts (read: refinement on scales of time that will be inaccessible to humans, assuming consistently positive progression of technological advancement, for a long time)

refractor rifles are soooo coollll kudos to Lurinas genius mind for those

Tower of Asphodel: The structure created by the Ironworkers at the end of the Imperial Era to provide refuge to those who could obtain it, and later to act as a foundation for the planes they would create. It is visible in the sky at all times, though it exists only partially as a physical object.

aawwwwwwwuuuu?? why did i think she was ten googolion miles away

Ok character info time!!

Oh my gawddddd i share a blood type with Su! ^_^ come here and touch your open wound to mine

Oh my gawddddd Theo too! ^_^ (doesn’t extend the invite again) whats with the ??? in his description btw. theo chan

HIS LOW CARB DIENTJDJUDDUDUDHDH

ugh resistances were explained earlier but I forget what they mean

teehee. kam is 5’3”

“extra meat, please” ema im gonna go to so so many steakhouses with you and keep you alive forever

Seth is gonna die to his tree nut allergy 😭😭😭😭😭 no 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

OPHELIA BLOOD TYPE N/A? N/A???????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN N/A. maybe it’s a religious thing. or bc she’s from a lower plane? is their biology different there?

Ummm but her second pea in the pod’s IS specified at B+? Do they share it across seeds? Why are they collecting blood type info anyway. for the beast?

god it is still so weird that they share a seed. what are the odds. where are the odds. why are the odds

interesting that both the rhunbards have vegetarian-based diets? Wonder if it’s a regional thing

mashallah playboy bardi didnt drink. also forget what I said about the vegetarian diet he just broke the trend

Fang and Ran went to the same university at some point? Saoyu university?

FANG NO CULINARY NOTES!!! I WILL GO TO SO MANY RESTAURANTS WITH YOU AND KEEP YOU ALIVE FOREVER

why is Zeno as a man 6’1. That doesn’t really make sense to me. 5’4 as a GIRL checks out though

Bals culinary note saying no breakfast required confirms to me that he’s a little freak. Even more than the wearing sunglasses indoors. What was that about by the way

Bal has NO QUALIFICATIONS. asked to READ MAGAZINES

these culinary notes are making me crave ‏شوربة عدس. because half of these ppl are old and can’t chew their food

is nobody here a universal donor. that’s so sad (double checks) she’s dead

Oh Ran just confirmed the Plato children’s book thing from earlier!! All of the epic of gilgamesh shit is soaring over my head which is embarrassing because I’m literally Iraqi but I’m glad I caught this one.

I blinked. "It's from mythology?"

"Yeah," she replied. "Or at least, it's the only place I've seen something like this depicted before - a person with double limbs and two heads, I mean." She continued flipping through it as she spoke to me. "It's an Inotian story from late in the Old Kingdoms Era. It goes that originally, there weren't men and women, but just one unified type of human being that were immortal and didn't need to to reproduce. The specifics of it are kinda a mix. Sometimes they were shapeshifters, sometimes-- Well, more like it's depicted here." She gestured to the illustration. "In this version, the king of the gods was afraid of this version of humanity, so he used lightning to split them down the middle. And so everyone spends their life in search of their other half, so they can be complete again."

"Huh," I said. "That's... Conceptually romantic, I guess."

I didn't actually think it was romantic. It just seemed weird.

Yeah it’s a bit weird innit. Anyway can you come and touch your open wound to mine

I wonder if the kid’s book was trying to sell the merger of pneumas as a good thing — two “half people” becoming whole

also realizing the adventure time clip didn’t really make sense without more context. here’s the first page of the passage from my copy of symposium feat. annotations from 18 yo hana

Linos nodded. "We've taken all due precautions. Anna has the lower floor warded, and I've set the defenses in here," he pointed to the refractor rifles mounted on the ceiling which I noted the previous day, "to fire disabling shots should anyone draw a weapon."

is he stupid

Right now su is going on a philosophical walk of what defines a person and I just wanna say I really love what Lurina did with the idea of the pneuma. I always thought of the idea of transferring a consciousness as a kind of nebulous thing that is never truly successful (due to a full lack of understanding of the human brain, the true result is more like a glorified cloning) but having a physical portion of the brain connect to a metaphysical aspect of the self that exists outside the body is soooo clever and sells it for me in a way that nothing else ever has. I almost want it to be real lmao

I would actually read 1k pages of just kam and zeno beefing they’re SO funny. The beginning of chapter 86 has me cryingggg

“Linos bit his tongue. "That's obviously the impression the culprit... Well, Hamilcar, knowing what we do now... Intended to create, but it seemed fruitless to alarm anyone further at the time." He looked between our various faces. "Obviously, there wouldn't be any beasts, 'divine' or not, down there. Just a lot of cement, and a much thicker metal hatch at the terminus.”

BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS 

“Ran continued to navigate the golem along its route. The elevator in the research tower wouldn't descend without a human present, so she was forced to have it climb the glass on the exterior wall, which felt like it took a excruciatingly long amount of time, though it was probably only five or so minutes. Eventually, it made it to the floor on which Balthazar had been left behind.

I noticed Fang's attention had perked up significantly.”

I KNEWWWWW IT WAS WEIRD HOW THEY KNEW SO MUCH ABOUT HIM!!! also me whenever bal is mentioned

but how do they know about bal???? how??? they never should have been able to meet him! unless they have loop memories, or they arrived at the sanctuary before we think...but why!!!! why would they conceal something like that!!!

“Ran held my hand tightly, which was good, because it otherwise might've slipped. I stared at the floor, my eyes out of focus.”

RAN IS SOOOO SWEET HOLDING HER HAND (they're all holding hands because of the spell) and Awwwwuuuuuu....Samium deceasaed...why did he refuse treatment. So that the beast could get him?

Ohhhh Susuuuuu….this chapter is so hard to read

““Like, if you break it down," they went on, "it kinda seems like there's been three, right? Putting aside Vijana, who died way earlier, there's been the big spectacle crimes that are obviously meant to come across as supernatural - with Durvasa and Bardiya, I mean - and then two where it comes across more like they were just killed in a totally mundane way... And then what happened with Saci and Yantho, which is somewhere in-between.””

“Not exactly a vast swathe of evidence to assume a pattern from," Kam said flatly. "One could just easily conclude that the killers are simply playing it by ear."

"I mean, yeah, I guess?" Fang fiddled with their bangs, thinking. "But to turn it around, why would you go to so much effort to keep up a narrative for most of the deaths, only to turn around and not bother with two of them at all? It feels like it makes the whole concept pointless."

YES!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I had a theory about that, actually," Kamrusepa chimed up. "Yantho's death, I mean to say. Is it possible that he was some manner of imposter-- Or rather, that his body was being controlled remotely in the same manner as the professor does with his?”

I WASN’T EXPECTING TO AGREE WITH KAM TOO BUT YES!!!!!!!!!

“It's not just that." He held his arms together, looking towards the ground. "Back when we were in the guest house, when I was in that room with Bardiya..." He swallowed. "I didn't want to say it back then, since I was sure it would, ah. Make people think I was even more suspicious. But... When it was happening, when he was being lifted into the air... I thought I saw something behind him. Dragging him up against the barrier."

"Why would you only mention this now?" Kam asked, her tone terse.

"Well-- Because it's impossible. There was no space for anything to be dragging him. It was like a ghost. It was there and it wasn't." He kept looking down, his knuckles tight. "I was sure it was just some trick of the light, since it was so dark. But back when I rushed out in the conference room, I thought I saw it again. In the corner. The same shape..."

"What shape?" Seth asked him.

"The same one you saw in the hall. Or in the story Saci told." He swallowed. "Like a cross between a winged creature, and... I don't know. Some sort of insect."

A bird and a spider.

BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS 

Start of chapter 89 has more su backstory how funnnn! ^_^ *starts reading* oh no

are these shiko's memories...oh my godddd

wow. that was painful! :) that's so weird, experiencing two memories at once? i can't wrap my brain around it. but god...

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Hello loveyourlovelysoul! Hope you are well. The story that I am about to tell is both interesting and basic.

I was in a friend group of 8. 9 with me. We were friends for 2 years. I was good with all of them but 1 girl. She didn't come to like me. For example, from the beginning of all of this, when I was talking to her she wasn't even looking at me. She was referring to everyone else in her own way and never to me like that. She never ever even smiled to me. We were going all out, to the cinema, to cafes. Not all 9 of us would go every time but I tried to go mostly. Like, I didn't go out just 2 times with them.

They are not the type of person I would normally be friends with. They all just gossip about people(most of the time i don't even know who that person is). I talk about topics that I know about, make jokes.... like about shows or school. But I saw their good side, loving side and did everything for them to see mine too. Like for example we would hug whenever we saw each other before the lesson starts.

We help eachother, send lessons to each other when most of us don't go to lectures. I sent too

But in the span of 2 days because of that one girl they all turned their back on me. Ignore me in real life, make fun of me, are cold towards me. I don't know what to do. I didn't even do anything. Should I try or leave them? No one is trying for me. I don't expect anyone to fight for me in that sense, but how come no one out of 8 people not say:...but she is our friend, we were hanging out together, we should not do this....and not act cold toward me? I texted something funny to one of them that I felt most close to, her tone was so cold, I said like what's up, how are you, and she just just said, nothing I am chilling. She didn't even ask me how I was. And didn't even put any laugh nor heart emoji, she always does normally. And in real life she just laughed at that joke that the other 1 girl who doesn't like me told about me.

I don't know what to do. We have to see eachother everyday, work in group projects....

And now bc it is 2nd year of uni, everyone else has their own friend group. I can't go to another one. Like everyone just hangouts in groups.

This past week I was sitting in the classroom, waiting for the lesson to start, and all of a sudden all of my ,friends,, come and search for a place to sit. They wanted to sit in front of the row that I was in, but there were some other people there. I said,, come here,, and gestured with my hand, but one of them said,, don't worry" and then they all sat in the row behind mine. The row that I was sitting on was empty. I could have gone to them despite this but I didn't. I told them and they didn't come. And then they laughed during all of the lesson.

I don't know what awaits me in this week. Everything happened so fast. I don't know if I should go near them or ignore them completely.

On Thursday we had another lesson but a break before it. In the break they went to eat. I didn't go with thm 1. Because all of this and 2. Bc I was fasting. I told them to text me when they are done and that I will wait for the next lesson. One girl said,,okay,,. But then they didn't text me. They didn't even come to that lesson. I had asked them if they would come and they had said yes.

It turned long but I literally have no idea what to do, what to think

Like, for me personally I would make it alone too, like I always do. On my own. About the lessons and all. But it is not about this. It is about respect and connections, if you know what I mean. It is about time spent.

Hello Anon!

I'm sorry for what you have to go through. Ofc it's not easy, any type of relationship is; and this being so sudden makes it even more unsettling. From what you wrote, I think you already know what to do and only need to see things from a different pov and allow yourself to try. Cause that is what is really scarying you, imo. It's not a matter of having to do all alone, ofc you can do it, but... you have other possibilities, you don't have to always give up and let others decide your fate: you can allow yourself to see what else can happen by focusing on you and not on those "friends". Focus back on who you are and on your worth, as it seems that you lost sight of it (there's a sentence in what you wrote that make it seem like you kinda try to find a reason to blame yourself for how things ended up... please don't do it, it's not gonna help you. I know for how our minds are buildt and maybe also for how we've grown like, we need to always find culprits/faults to probably feel better, but... is it really so when you see yourself as to blame? ...I'll get back to this).

Now, as I said, I think you already know how to move, but somehow you're blocking yourself as well. It could be fear of taking a decision by yourself, fear of not knowing what you may find by leaving this situation/people (fear of letting go)... Tbh, it seems like you're asking for my confirmation but... it's up to you what to do. It's safe to take our own decisions, even when we fear they may turn out wrong. I cannot tell you what to do with your life. Take time to really process your emotions without being scared of them, and then proceed.

Since you gave a lot of background, I will try to give you something to think about that hopefully can help you ground yourself while processing your feelings, without letting resentment, pain and your insecurities come too much in between you and your decision. You can totally discard what I am going to tell you: I'm not a therapist nor a psychologist, Idk how things went, Idk how you really feel, Idk anything more than what you wrote (this is why at times relying on others for decision can be a bad idea: never let others take final decisions for you. Ask for suggestions, but always process them yourself first).

You start by talking about this girl and later on you mention her as the main reason why everyone left you (also because of the joke and all -Idk what that joke was about nor all the factors but... if it's something that hurt you or it was made in a bullying way... I mean... there's not much you need to decide on ig). Anyway, it could be her ofc, but as I was mentioning before, at times our minds just need to find culprits and since she acted differently with you since the beginning, ofc an easy explanation for it all could be her trying to change everyone's mind. Now though, as you were hinting in your text: is it really possible to change 7 people's minds? I ofc have no clue of what happened, just like you (even less than you tbh!). Another things is: how was your relationship with those other 7 people? Did you really know them, like, did you really have a deep relationship in which you also talked about deep stuff, you got to know how they think about stuff or you just kept it surface level? Cause if you know someone deep, you can see or get to know what is going on, but if you don't... it gets harder. Unless you directly ask for explanations (which you can always do: like once you send a message to one of them and they answer you in a different way, you can ask them if something is wrong or not -do not attack them or feel attacked though, just show your doubts and what you noticed). And when you mention them laughing after sitting behind you... one thing is knowing they were laughing because of you (it's their problem: people judges us based on their own fears/insecurities; it hurts ofc, but it's them), another is hearing their laughter and supposing (seen what happened before and how they acted recently) that it was about you. It's not uncommon when we're in a scary/unsafe situation to come up with fast conclusions: our minds want to protect us and the easiest explanation is "ofc they were laughing AT you, because of this this and this... you're not worthy you're this you're that", but it doesn't mean it's right (ofc it's not right when it's our inner critic/wounded ego coming in) if you don't have objective proofs. Talk with your mind, and remind it you cannot control others' reactions of you anyway, but you can control how you react to them (if that's the case): stay grounded and don't make it all mean something bad about you because of how you see yourself or learned to see yourself from past experiences. Go back to yourself, leave them outside of you.

Towards the end of your ask, you say that it's also about the time spent together. Sure that is true, but the amount of time is not enough in relationships imo: it's how it is spent, what you say and do together, that make it all. How do you interact, what really goes on among y'all. I'm someone who for now doesn't believe in huge groups of friends personally, but it doesn't mean it cannot happen (maybe for you it works: I'm just saying that my personal view may come in between here, so please take especially this part as resonates). My personal definition of friend is a person with whom I can be myself and I can talk about anything, not just showing my best side, but also my bad side. Someone who can respect and understand me, and support me nonetheless. It's never about "pretending" it's about being real and really knowing each other. And you saying "those are not people I'd normally be friend with" makes me wonder a lot as well. Like imo, this is something worth taking a closer look at. How do you define friendship or a friend (as I was saying, think about your definition: what do you search for in a friendship, honestly)? And why did you become their friend if you kind of "not like" them? Cause in all honesty (again I might be wrong, I only can process from what you wrote), it seems to me that you kinda agreed to receive crumbles from them. Or maybe people in general. So try to take a look at your relationships, of all types, especially at what you give and what you allow yourself to receive. Is it equal or there's an imbalance? (from what you added in the end, I think you notice an imbalance now tbh and this may be making you a bit resentful but ofc I may be wrong). And how do you feel about it? Maybe it's something you learned you deserve; maybe even receiving just a little is better than nothing: we're still humans, we need to live in communities; and maybe also seeing others in groups made you decide to enter a group of people that you wouldn't normally join? (Idk, that "normally" that you wrote... I cannot place properly. What's the "not-normal" situation that made you go for it?). But anyway, is what you get really what you need and want? I mean in this case, did you decide to settle with something (casul hugs, random funny chats, a movie, exchanging school stuff...) and accept it as the best you can get or was it that all that you were searching for in a real friendship (not in a relationship with classmates/acquaintances)? I am genuinely asking, your answer can ofc be "yes: that's all I wanted" and it'd be perfectly okay. You make the rules of your life. And ofc maybe you got more than that, but since it's not mentioned in your ask, I cannot know it.

As I was saying, I think it's time for you to take a break and see what you need and want from others for real. How do you want your relationships to be and how this relationship really was and is for you (be honest). And to see you deserve to have the relationships you want and need: you're not asking for too much. Once you do this, once you realize your core worth and how you want and deserve to be treated by others (respect, as you said), you may want to try and see if you can find also some other people, or a person, that you may actually "normally" be friend with (we're not chained to a group of friends for life, we can find more whatever will be your decision about these people -despite, as you have already noticed, it seems they're not really paying that much attention to or considering you anymore, so... go back to you, to your boundaries and self worth, and take your decision). It may take a lot to find other people or maybe not, who knows, but you don't have to change yourself to please others and find them. Just be yourself (yes at times it may be hard for various reasons, so try to navigate this side too: there's nothing wrong in you anyway).

As you said there may be groups of people around you that seem to be kinda fixed, but imo.. this doesn't mean someone new cannot join them. Nor that someone cannot leave a group. You won't be rejected and abandoned forever, but you have to first see your worth and allow yourself to try, reminding yourself that it's up to you what you make rejections and opinions of you mean about you. For example, try to see what is blocking you from giving another group/person a try (eg. Is it because of how these people treated you and opened an old wound caused by rejection/judgement/bullying? Is it cause you don't feel enough to have the friends you dream of/need/want and you got a confirmation of this from those people? But they're not people you'd want to be friend with, so it's not a confirmation, I guess...? Idk...)

As for dealing with these people now: stay grounded and present. If they rather to not include you, it doesn't mean anything bad about you. If you still have to do projects or just see them around, my suggestion is to treat them as politely and kindly as you'd treat any other classmate or person in your class. Focus on the work/job you need to do with them and let go of the rest. I hope you can find good people with whom you can share even more with asap. Do not give up on you, you don't have to do anything alone. At times it's us, needing to isolate after a trauma/a wound, thinking we can only rely on ourselves, but even if it's partially true, we can still give others a chance to change our minds. We can still give us a chance to try something else, and see how it goes (it won't always be bad).

Best of lucks, take care<3

[lilnasxvevo]

On season 2 of Doc Martin and getting really sick of his love interest Louisa. I don’t know where the show is going with this but it better be going towards “Louisa realizes that Martin is literally not capable of becoming less blunt and rude because it’s not on fucking purpose and she needs to suck it up and accept him for who he is” because any other lesson would be galling. Martin didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, and she has known from literally before they even officially met that Martin is socially graceless, low-empathy, and can’t turn off Doctor Mode to save his life. She had even seen earlier that week with the woman with the possible melanoma on her breast that none of these things have changed! He has changed as a person since moving to Portwenn but not in that respect!

I do have hope that the show is going somewhere reasonable with this because Louisa’s well-meaning but terrible advice to Peter of like, “Just let them make fun of you and see the humor in it and eventually they’ll see you’re one of them” backfired so terribly that Peter literally almost fucking died might signal that the writers are indeed aware that it was bad advice.

Peter is nine years old and he is fighting for his fucking life out here and that is quite honestly so depressing. He RAN AWAY earlier in season 1 because he felt that was easier than trying to convince his mom and/or teacher that he hadn’t done the thing he was accused of! Whenever there’s some problem with Peter his mom immediately defaults to “Peter, what did you do?” even when he wasn’t at fault (which he rarely is!) and his teacher wants to blame him for the fact that he’s bullied and friendless! The one kindred spirit he might have is Martin himself and I don’t think Martin is very interested in being a friend or mentor to him. No one’s giving him the help he needs and the only thing he’s done wrong is come across as a little bit rude and supercilious sometimes.

Honestly, I have great sympathy for Louisa and I do like her as a character at the end of the day, but I can’t help imagining if she was my hypothetical child’s teacher in real life and I sat down to a parent-teacher conference with her and she said “Your child is getting bullied but it’s his fault for not even trying to fit in. He should just laugh when the others make fun of him and then they’ll like him” and like ohhhhh my god I would. I would burn her fucking house down. More realistically, I would report her to everyone I could possibly report her to (the principal, the board of education, her college professors, her parents, her pastor, whoever) and then transfer my child to a new school where he wouldn’t ever have to even SEE that woman again. Fortunately for Louisa, Peter’s mom is a fuckup fucking idiot (I have great sympathy for her panic disorder, she is a dumbass for reasons unrelated to the panic disorder tho) so Louisa’s just going to get away with saying that shit to a fucking 9-year-old.

All right, I’ve been dancing around it but do you know what I think? You probably do. I think Martin and Peter are both autistic and that they don’t know how to say in a way Louisa will understand that “I AM TRYING! I try every day to not hurt people’s feelings and to fit in with my peers but I don’t know how! Every day I offend people and hurt their feelings and stick out like a sore thumb and I don’t KNOW how to stop! Don’t you think I would if I could?”

Louisa is so determined to make all of their failures their fault. I guess because it’s much easier to tell one or two people to fall in line than to wonder if maybe it’s the community that’s excluding them that needs to change.

[motownfiction]

isle

Lucy thought she escaped it last year when the first movie frightened Emma to her core, but alas, she’s not so lucky. Her daughter is weeks away from entering the second grade, and as such, she’s ready to enter the second Spy Kids movie.

Like any mother with sophisticated taste (whatever sophisticated actually means), Lucy tries to get Emma to see any other movie at the theater. She’d even sit through The Country Bears for the third time. Actually, she kind of liked that one. It’s not her fault John Hiatt can write a song, even if it is for a Disney attraction come to life. But Emma is married to the idea of Spy Kids 2, and Lucy has to give in.

“You’re just like me,” Lucy says as she buys Emma her popcorn and drink.

“What do you mean?” Emma asks, popping a kernel into her mouth.

They walk toward their theater.

“You get ideas in your head, like a vision,” Lucy says. “You know exactly what you want, and once you picture it, you can’t give it up. You won’t compromise. Do you know what it means to compromise?”

Emma shakes her head.

“Didn’t think so,” Lucy says. “Daddy and I don’t make you do it very often because we know how much you hate it.”

“Well, what is it?”

“It’s when you find a middle ground between what you want and what somebody else wants.”

Emma makes a face like she’s never heard anything more horrible in all her life. If Lucy didn’t respect her so much, she’d probably laugh right here and now.

“I know,” Lucy says. “I don’t like doing it, either. But I do it all the time because I’m a mom, and that’s what moms do. They compromise. Worse than that, they figure out compromises for other people.”

“Maybe I should never be a mom,” Emma says.

Lucy laughs at that one.

“You’re seven and a half,” she says. “You have plenty of time to decide.”

“But if I’m just like you, then don’t I only have ten years?”

Dammit, Lucy has to laugh at that one, too. They find their seats in the back of the theater – Emma’s favorite place in the auditorium, another thing she’s not willing to compromise about – and Lucy hands her the bag of popcorn.

“Don’t be so literal,” she says. “Do you know what that means? Literal?”

Emma shakes her head again.

“It means you think of words in the most basic, easy way. Like, you avoid deeper meanings or puns or storytelling.”

Judging by the look on Emma’s face, being literal is the new worst thing she’s ever heard in her life.

“I don’t ever wanna be like that,” she says.

“I don’t blame you,” Lucy agrees. “So, how about we work on it together? We’ll practice not being literal and learning how to compromise. Starting with you letting me have more of that popcorn than you usually do.”

“Get your own!”

“Emma.”

Emma sighs and hands the bag of popcorn over to her mother. Lucy holds in another laugh. She always thought she’d be intimidated by a kid who was too much like her. When she was young, she wanted to be the only person anything like herself. A rara avis in its truest form. But that’s not how it works when you’re a mom. Your daughters are sponges, whether or not you want them to be. They’re going to pick up a few things, no matter how hard they try to wring them out. Elenore’s almost dry, but Emma’s still soaking.

Lucy thinks she could get used to it. At the very least, she’ll be able to know where Emma goes before she knows it herself.

For some reason, Emma loves the Spy Kids movie, especially the pop star sequence at the end. She sings the song over and over for a week, even though she only knows a few words: Dreams! Isle of, isle of dreeeeammmssss! It’s irritating as can be, but Lucy lets it go. She compromises.

And for what it’s worth, Emma compromises, too. When she’s done singing about the island of lost dreams, she lets Lucy listen to Siouxsie Sioux, even “Kiss them for Me.”

As far as Lucy’s concerned, that’s what love is. That’s what it has to be.

(part of @nosebleedclub july challenge -- day xv! i'm still trying, even in vain, lol)