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eldritchqueerture · 3 years

Text

Point of View - Original Statement Fic

Point of View (5004 words) by LadyNikita Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Original Statement Giver(s) (The Magnus Archives) Additional Tags: Statement Fic (The Magnus Archives), Original Statement (The Magnus Archives), this was intended as the eye but evolved into the vast as well, happens, cosmic horror, attempt at Eldritch Madness, unreality, Discussions of pointlessness and meaninglessness, Canon-Typical The Vast Content (The Magnus Archives), from the eps about space, Mentions of Death, Compulsion, discussions of free will (kind of), Dissociation, Panic, Mentions of addiction, Leitner Book (The Magnus Archives), except it was not possessed by Leitner, Pretty Colours <3, Neurodivergent Protagonist, Queer Protagonist, because I can project a bit as a treat, Can Be Read Without Prior Knowledge of the Podcast (I think)

Summary: "Humans crave understanding. They strive towards knowing more and more, that’s what all science is about, isn’t it? To study, to learn and understand; to seek answers to questions. But are we really equipped to handle the answers we seek? Even if we were able to reach them, are our minds advanced enough to grasp the truths about the world we live in? What if there are things just beyond our understanding, lurking in the shadows of reality, peeking into our world just enough to feed on us, on our uncertainty and our pathetic scrambling towards answers that would only bring madness?" --- Statement of Lyria Ellison regarding a different point of view and the dangers of knowledge.

Notes: Hiiiiii <3 I've been reading Lovecraft recently and as much as I hate the dude, The Colour Out of Space gave me so much inspiration that I immediately sat down and produced this in one sitting. I've been meaning to play with the concept of eldritch madness for a while; something about this trope is really appealing to me and I'm really enjoying my attempts at shaping it with words. Lyria is a preexisting OC of mine, I will give some background on her in the end notes because I love her very much. This is a form of practice for me; I'm playing with horror themes and I'd like to get acquainted with them to better incorporate them into my overall writing. Therefore I will accept constructive criticism if anyone wants to give it, but only in the form of DMs, either on Tumblr (your-queer-vampire-dm) or on Discord, if we know each other through a server. All of the warnings I think should be mentioned are in the tags, but if you think something should be added then please tell me!

Date: May 10th , 2018

Name: Lyria Ellison

Subject of experience: A different point of view and the dangers of knowledge.

—

How do you start telling a story that changed your heart, your mind, and your soul so profoundly that you can barely still function in a society? How do you say all that without sounding borderline insane? Nobody knows what I’ve seen, what I’ve been through. I know they would all say I’ve hallucinated it all and should seek treatment. But I know it won’t help. I know… I know so much now. Too much and not enough. Never enough. I know what happened was real . I don’t have proof so I’m guessing you won’t believe me either, but I need to tell someone about it. So I might as well tell you.

My name is Lyria Ellison and I’m a neuropsychology major. Ex-major, I should say. I dropped out after… Yeah. I dropped out; there’s not much point in continuing studying things about the feeble, insignificant human brain. Utterly pointless venture.

Humans crave understanding. They strive towards knowing more and more, that’s what all science is about, isn’t it? To study, to learn and understand; to seek answers to questions. But are we really equipped to handle the answers we seek? Even if we were able to reach them, are our minds advanced enough to grasp the truths about the world we live in? What if there are things just beyond our understanding, lurking in the shadows of reality, peeking into our world just enough to feed on us, on our uncertainty and our pathetic scrambling towards answers that would only bring madness?

Just a year ago, I was convinced I was going to finish my degree. I was so passionate about it too, eager to learn more and more, to research and seek knowledge. Curious and fascinated by the world around us. What a foolish thing it was to give into that drive. My mind was open to the supernatural, although I always approached it scientifically; I never said the supernatural existed, but I also never said it didn’t. It was plausible; all in all, every scientist must accept that there is still a vast amount of knowledge we don’t have about the world.

The ignorance was a blessing. But I shall not get ahead of myself.

It started around December last year; my dad had died, and my girlfriend, Shawala, and I were clearing out his house. There wasn’t really anyone else to do it; my mother had passed a couple years prior, I had no siblings, and extended family was out of the picture as well; and my dad had gathered a lot of things in his adventurous life; he was a traveller, and he loved the world, loved learning about it, just like me. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed with it all; my dad meant a lot to me back then, and Shawala proved an excellent support at that first shock. She promised to do some first view assessments of the ground floor, while I went to scope out how things looked in the attic.

It’s always either basements or attics, isn’t it? I used to read horror, Lovecraftian was my favourite – how ironic, isn’t it? How stupid . How utterly ignorant. The hubris of the human race at its finest.

Anyways, the attic was half-lit from the small windows in the roof, and dust was swirling in the faint light of the afternoon sun. It was cold here, but I didn’t pay much mind; the house was old, and it wasn’t surprising that there was draft. To say the space was cluttered would be an understatement; I could barely walk around the numerous boxes, old furniture, crates, and overflowing bookshelves; all of which made something in my chest curl tight, bringing tears to my eyes. I steered my steps towards the nearest bookshelf; I’ve always been a bookworm, fascinated by nearly any tome I came across; I’ve been reading popular science books since I was eight. So naturally, I was drawn to the books, taking huge steps above the cardboard boxes and careful not to hit anything else.

The books were old, of course, and dusty. Some of them had loose pages, and I treated them very gently, almost reverently. I have a little bit of a bookbinder streak, and I decided I would take them home and try to put them back together. As I rifled through them, I saw they pertained to a vast variety of subjects, from poetry, drama, and history, to science, metaphysics, and maths. The deeper I looked into this stunning collection, the more reverence rose in my heart; at my fingertips I had the oldest and the biggest accumulation of knowledge I had ever seen. I saw some books dated back even two hundred years ago.

At that point Shawala called me to check if I was alright. I put the book I had in my hands back and my knuckles brushed against the black leather cover of the next one on the shelf. I felt pleasant tingling in my palm at the touch and my heart leaped at the prospect; I didn’t know why – the book seemed ordinary enough on the shelf and there was no title on its spine.

I sometimes wonder if I could have just left it there and gone downstairs; chosen to come back later and then maybe, it wouldn’t have enticed me as it did. If, by that point, I had had any choice left on the matter.

Alas, intrigued by the book, I placed my palm on the spine and took it out. The leather was soft and smooth, probably sheep, with familiar subtle grains all over the texture. I remember it striked me as odd that it was warmer than the rest of the books in the drafty attic, but I shrugged it off. The front cover had a title, small but visible in the centre, etched in gold – Punctum Visus .

I, by all means, cannot read or speak Latin, but I figured it was something to do with vision. I opened the book, an unknown anticipation buzzing in my stomach. The pages were worn and old, their texture was slightly rough but pleasant under my fingertips; as I opened the front page, I saw the title again, this time in thick but still elegant, black letters, and the smell came up to my nostrils.

I tried to describe it in my head countless times after. I always loved the smell of old books, and I knew it very well, so it came to me as a surprise to realize it wasn’t the only smell I could feel from the book. It was… cold, somehow, distant but prickling at my nose, a little bit the way peppermint tastes. It reminded me of the night sky and distant stars somehow. The smell awakened an unease within me, as I couldn’t quite place what it was and why it seemed so weird , but it wasn’t by any means unpleasant. It was… enticing. Like a promise of a mystery.

I breathed it in again through my nose, closing my eyes, and for a moment I lost all feeling in my body. I was untethered and immaterial, somewhere in deep darkness that seemed to envelop me whole. It felt cold on my mind, stretching it thoughtlessly in the empty vastness, and I saw distant flickering lights of stars. Before I could form a coherent thought, I was back in myself, panting and shaking, staring at the front page of the Punctum Visus . I looked around with shaky breaths; the attic looked the same, and Shawala’s steps on the stairs reached my ears, with her voice calling my name. A shiver passed down my spine, causing goosebumps to bloom on my skin; was it the draft, the dread, or the excitement I couldn’t tell.

I knew I had to read this book, no matter what it took for me to do so.

I took it home, almost forgetting about the rest of the books upstairs. It had spent the next month laying in my room, as I dealt with the formalities and moving the rest of things that weren’t sold from the house either to my place or to charity. After the day we left the house for the last time, I collapsed in my bed, exhausted, but instead of closing, my eyes fell on the book unassumingly waiting on my nightstand.

A surge of excitement passed through me, waking me right up. I sat up and reached for the book. It was still warm; I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, but warm it was. I think it made me subconsciously assign it more… being? Like, even before I knew anything, I somehow subconsciously accepted that it was more than just an object; that it was, in a sense, alive on its own. I brushed my fingers on the cover, feeling the texture of the leather and the etching of the letters. In the meantime during this month I had checked the meaning of the title – Point of Sight; a position from which a thing is or is supposed to be viewed. It makes so much sense now.

But then I didn’t know what dangers it held; or I didn’t want to think about them. I do remember feeling anxious, my hands trembling every time I opened the cover, but it was so mingled with exhilaration of the certainty I was discovering something important that I must have disregarded it. As I turned the pages, I wasn’t surprised to find the text in Latin; though I still felt a pang of frustration that it meant I couldn’t read it for now. I rifled through the pages, looking curiously at the letters that formed words yet unattainable to me. There was a hunger inside of me; a hunger to Know. As I turned the pages past various symbols, illustrations of the constellations, and of Earth, I determined it must be some sort of a metaphysical work. The point of view on the world around us.

Normally I just skim through works like this and leave them. While they are an interesting read sometimes, they’re not my favourite genre and, looking objectively, putting in the effort of learning a whole language just for the sake of reading a treatise on the meaning of cosmos by an unknown author seems strange at best. But somehow it seemed obvious to me that I had to read it. It called to me, sang into a part of my being that begged to be filled, promising knowledge that would finally leave me satisfied. I know now that it’s impossible. Once you’ve tasted the hunger for knowing, you will never find satisfaction; it’s like an addiction. You just crave more and more, and the knowledge never ends. After a certain point you know too much and when it all connects, when it starts to make sense… you slip. I didn’t know that, even though maybe I should have. I didn’t know what those things I was feeling meant then and I didn’t stop to question them; I gave into it as soon as it touched me. I was stupid.

What followed were a busy couple of months. Every waking moment that wasn’t spent keeping up the pretence of being interested in my major (back then I only thought it a brief hyperfixation, of course, and wouldn’t have called it a pretence at all), I was learning Latin online or staring into the incomprehensible words on the pages. This period of my life is a blur; I remember my friends checking up on me if I was alright, since I wasn’t particularly social anymore. Shawala got progressively more worried, but it fully escaped my mind to care. I know that staring thoughtlessly at the book took up more and more of my time; once, I remember, I returned from my classes at three PM and took the book out; when I came back to myself it was well past midnight. That’s when I started to feel truly uneasy about it. It was the second half of April; I looked back on what I’ve been doing these past months and this cold dread started creeping up to my throat. I realized I didn’t know why I wanted to read the book so much and I remembered the “vision” or the hallucination I had that first time in my dad’s attic. I had set it aside completely as unimportant, and I couldn’t wrap my head around why. I started shaking and theorizing in my head about the book being able to influence my mind somehow, to control it. Had my actions not been my own? How much of it was my own will and how much was the book? Was it even possible for it to influence me like that; could it be that it was supernatural in some way?

The house became cold, unnaturally so. It was dark and all the windows were closed, but a chill draft managed to find its way into the corridor I was in anyway. I sank to the floor and hugged my knees, trembling in panic. I was all alone in the flat, everyone I knew was surely already asleep in their homes, and I was small and weak in the face of something that maybe could have controlled my mind. I suddenly became aware of the leatherbound book in my hand, and I threw it along the corridor at the front door with a whimper, as far away from me as possible. The book thumped against the door, then the floor, and opened on a random page.

I’ve read enough horrors. I knew that the page would be significant, and that knowledge made me sob and hug my knees tighter. I didn’t know what was happening; I felt like I’d just woken up from a months-long dream… and perhaps I was right. The recent past felt alien.

I felt tears sting my eyes and that’s when the smell reached me. Again that mixture of old paper and peppermint cold, distantly sweet but freezing the blood in my veins. My breath came in ragged and shallow, and tears streamed down my face as I stared at the open book that was calling me in an inaudible whisper. The logical side of my mind was trying desperately to make sense of it, to assign the dissociative feeling to my father’s death and yeah, it was plausible, but somehow it just didn’t feel right. The whispers sounded again, swirling around my head, the golden sound almost touching the back of my neck, making me wince. It was enticing and promising, but this time, I felt terror instead of excitement. Disregarding how my mind was trying to rationalize the situation, I knew the book was cursed somehow. I knew that I was its victim. And I knew that I would not be strong enough to resist it.

I don’t know how much time I sat there, trembling, and sobbing into my knees, before I calmed down from the panic and decided I had to do something. I had to find out what this book was and how it found itself into my dad’s library. I couldn’t remember seeing anything in his diaries that would mention it at all, but then again, I didn’t read them all cover to cover. On wobbly legs I carefully made my way back to my room and searched the Internet until the sun started peeking out of the window; I found nothing about any book titled Punctum Visus . I tried all the libraries that I’d known of, that had their assortment online, all the research databases; nothing.

So, at the crack of dawn, with a fast-beating heart, I stood in the door of my room, staring out into the corridor, where the book still lay by the front door, unmoving. The golden strings of a wordless melody made it to my ears; it promised an explanation; that this time if I looked close enough, I would find what I was looking for.

What was I looking for?

Where else could I find the answers if not in the book itself?

I could feel its cold fingers slowly wrap around my mind, steering me to come closer. It called me with a hypnotising voice that awakened all the red signals in my brain, telling me to run and hide, but I didn’t. The voice meant danger, but I knew it also meant knowledge.

Dangerous knowledge. The pull dragged me through the corridor step by step; I hadn’t been fighting it as strongly as I could have had and I was about to start, since I was getting closer to the book, but suddenly I felt the chill of the influence let go, hovering close but out of reach. It was still compelling me to come, to Look, but I could move my own limbs. I had a choice to make.

Knowledge of danger. Did I believe my own warning thoughts that I would regret looking into the book? Did I take my own logical, rational side seriously? Was I ever good at resisting my own impulses?

I’ve never been addicted to anything, but then again, I never really had the opportunity, as it were; my friends were more of a no-alcohol types and I really ever smoked cigarettes once. I’ve never seen drugs in real life. So who’s to say if I’m not an addictive personality? And this, this was addictive. The thrill of mystery, the exhilarating process of learning, the anticipation of the answers.

Was it ever really my choice?

No supernatural force guided my steps that night; no cold fingers made me kneel next to the book and carefully cradle it in my arms, looking at the page with a shaky breath and tears in my eyes, as if I was coming back home like the prodigal son. But I’m sure it was by some paranormal means that this time I could understand the text on the pages.

I honestly don’t remember what it said. As I read the unfamiliar words, the meaning presented itself in my mind, not entirely unlike that first “vision” I had in the attic; as soon as I started reading I knew that I had made the choice and there was no turning back. That cold draft enveloped me, sat on my skin, and started to bite; I felt that smell again, stronger than ever before, something intangible but unmistakably inhuman . It was then that I realized that’s what had felt wrong to me about the smell since the beginning. It was inferior and alien. My hands started shaking as my eyes, glued to the text, moved now on their own down the page, drinking the words in. I was terrified out of my mind, but the pleasant tingling along my nerves was back, the anticipation of the promised understanding.

My mind was drowned with the tide of knowledge. This was just a prologue; a true discovery would require preparation, but I was almost ready. The voice said I was chosen, that I was a perfect candidate to bring It what It needs and that I would be rewarded. I cried tears of amazement and horror at the sheer scope of the voice – it seemed to encompass the entire world. I couldn’t comprehend it, but I didn’t know then that it was a blessing. I wanted to know, I craved to know what It was and how I could be of use to something so powerful, so huge. Divine. That was a word that crossed my mind, as much as I don’t like that. I don’t like many things, but I can’t change any of them.

The voice said I’m on the right path. I would Know and Understand. First, I needed to do something. As It told me what that was, doubt started to creep up to my mind. What was I doing? What was happening? How could this be real?

I came to on the floor by my front door, the cursed book in hand, with a tear-stained face and a bloody nose.

I knew what I had to do to get ready and, as I calmed down and went over everything in my head, I was surprised by how trivial it was. Honestly, by this point I was kind of afraid It would tell me to hurt someone, so I was glad this was just about reading a bunch of words in a specific location at a specific time. I was aware of the fact that this was most probably a ritual, and I was quite apprehensive. I kept arguing with myself in my head, over and over whether I should follow through, but deep down I knew that I would, no matter what I told myself. This part, I think, scared me the most; how compelling the promise of knowledge was, how reverently I’d found myself thinking of the book and its owner (which I assumed was the voice), how fanatical some of my thoughts sounded. I’ve never been religious, never really felt idealistic either. I was always focused on facts, on the here and now. Can knowledge be an ideal? Can you be a fanatic of Seeing and Knowing?

How much had I changed since I’d found Punctum Visus in that old attic.

I found a good, quiet spot, on the north-west side of the New Forest National Park near Southampton. I told no one about this, deeming it unimportant. I would come back after my big discovery, I would explain everything. I laugh at myself now; at my naivety.

The night of April 28 th was clear, and the starry sky looked back at me as I parked my car on the road in the forest and locked it. I tied a piece of a long red string to the wheel, not to lose my way in the forest, and started to walk forward. I held the book close to my chest, as if it could protect me from the dark, eerie outlines of the trees, swaying gently on the wind and whatever the darkness around me held. I didn’t light the torch; the moon was nearly full, bathing everything in its gentle light, and besides, for some reason it seemed that the crude yellow light would somehow break the sanctity of what I was about to do. I could see the ground in front of me and managed to lose sight of my car and everything else besides trees pretty fast.

I stopped when I found a small clearing. The moon was high in the sky, shining down on me like a big eye; I didn’t know why this comparison seemed the most fitting, but it did. I took a deep breath, feeling a chill plant little dots all over my skin, making my hairs stand on end. The wind died down and the trees froze, as if in anticipation. I felt something watching me closely; I was not alone here anymore.

The realization made my breath catch in my throat and the last streaks of sanity broke through my thick skull. Run! Drop the book and run! I didn’t. My hands trembled, my muscles tensed, and I stood there, frozen with fear as something stared at me, seemingly for eternity. Something bigger than me, bigger than anything I have ever seen was watching me, waiting. My eyes dropped to the book in my arms. The black leather was warm, as always, but this time I felt a pulsating sensation from it. A heartbeat.

I screamed. The book landed discarded on the ground, and I stumbled backwards and tripped, landing in the grass as well. It was cold and wet, and it glistened with something in the faint moonlight. At first I took it for water, but upon closer inspection I saw it was the grass itself that glittered – a shy rainbow, glowing iridescently in an impossible way. I froze, stunned, for I have never seen such colours before. It seemed utterly alien, something unfitting for the human eye to see; simultaneously beautiful and horrifying.

As I looked around, I noticed that everything alive in the forest – the trees, the grass, the bushes, the plants – had taken on that iridescent mixture of faint light that prickled my eyes and sent a shiver of terror down my spine. It was beautiful, utterly gorgeous in a way that nothing a human eye can perceive could be. It was horrifying in how different, alien, and other it was. My senses could tell this is not of the Earth; not of this reality, not of this world; everything in me that still had common sense tried to recoil from the inferiority of this magnificence and the danger it brought, but I had abandoned common sense a while back. Maybe even when I touched the book for the first time. I stared then, breathless and trembling, at this scenery as if from a fairy tale and decided to lock away my rational thoughts. I wanted to See, to Know; I wanted to experience and if this was the death of me then hell, it was a pretty good way to go. To behold such a sight, I thought, was a reward in and of itself.

Of course, I had no idea what any of it meant. I slowly rose to my knees and patted the ground down until I felt the book. It still pulsated with this heartbeat and the letters etched in the leather glowed with golden light. My hands were sweaty, and I didn’t know whether I was shivering from fear or the cold. I opened the book on the first page.

What I saw was not what I had expected. I remembered that the first page, after the titular one, was the beginning of the introduction, that much I had understood, but now it was a big picture in black and white; a night sky, with an almost full moon and strewn with stars. It was a shot from the ground and treetops could be seen at the edges of the picture. As the book swayed in my hands, the stars glittered, and the perspective shifted ever so slightly, as if it was in 3D. Stricken by a surge of dread and cold certainty, I looked up. My suspicion was right – the picture in the book depicted the exact image that was now above me. I gasped quietly and looked down at the book—

And this is where things started to really go horribly, horribly wrong.

The book was gone. What’s more, the ground was gone too and suddenly everything was not where it should have been. I blinked but it did nothing to ease the dizziness; and when I composed myself enough to register what I was seeing I froze, the most intense horror I have ever experienced crushing my body from all sides and inside out.

I realized that I was Seeing. I was finally Seeing, and I Understood it all.

I don’t know how to convey in words what I saw. I don’t believe it’s possible; humans were never made to see and understand such things. I should have never touched the book, I should have never asked for knowledge. All my life I believed that knowledge was the point; it was a tool, and it was power. I don’t know what I think anymore. I think some knowledge should always be hidden because we were not made to know everything. We can’t , it’s physically impossible for us to comprehend.

For one moment in my life. For one moment I became something else, and I saw the world in the way It sees the world. For one moment I shared a mind with an eldritch being, a thing that is Fear itself, and I saw the Earth through Its Eye. I can’t… I can’t tell you just how horrible it is. How… How meaningless; we’re all intertwined things, guided by strings of web that lead us through life, and we’re all connected in this maze of fear . We’re not individuals; we’re not special. We don’t have souls and none of our experiences matter. We’re just fear. These… These entities are a part of all of us. They’re our fear and they live inside of us, inside of every living creature that can feel fear. Can you comprehend that? How can you be sure you are yourself when there’s a cosmic entity, a power as old as life itself, living you ? And no one has any idea. Nobody knows and if I tell someone they’ll think I’m crazy. Sometimes I think I’m crazy. But deep down I know what I saw. I know it was real. And I’m terrified. I’m terrified because I know that this Being of eyes that I became a part of watches everything I do. I feel Its presence here very strongly, and I guess it makes sense. It will never leave me. It’s a part of me, just like the rest of them; just like they’re all a part of every one of you, yet you have no idea. But I know. And I know I’m all alone with that knowledge, the knowledge that I can’t comprehend, but I know I could in that one moment. It’s a very lonely place to be and I’m scared.

I’m scared as I have never been before; this fear doesn’t leave me anymore. Every second of every day I’m aware I’m watched by something as great as cosmos. I’m aware I shared my mind with that being and it makes my skin crawl.

I don’t know what to do now, but I don’t expect any advice from you. I’m leaving the book with you, as proof. Its heart doesn’t beat anymore, and I’ve seen what I was supposed to.

Don’t read it.

Notes: If you enjoyed it, please consider leaving me a comment!! For people interested in a little bit of background: Lyria is a D&D character I have created that still awaits her chance to play in a campaign. She's an arcane scholar that has a dark little secret of actually being a warlock of a being she doesn't know a lot about. She's in love with knowledge and she seeks to learn about her powers as well as the world around her. I'm currently DMing a Ravenloft campaign and I just couldn't miss the fact how much potential for a corruption arc she has. Then I listened to TMA and I was like, she would definitely become the Avatar of the Beholding.

#i discovered you can copy tags straight from ao3 #ive been using that site for how many. 5 years now #:|#anyways #tma #the magnus archives #tma original statement #cosmic horror #niki.writes #lyria elerieth #goes in my oc tag because thats technically an au #im really happy with this one guys!

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beetleboo · 3 years

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long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked.

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

#beetleposts #miserytag

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zombu7 · 4 years

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Dark Side of Fandom: Grooming in Discord?

The joys of fanfiction are known to many. It is an activity that has brought people together from all corners of the world, engaging them in literature and stories, generating interest in creative writing in an environment that is generally open and welcoming.

It bears knowing, however, that not all pockets of fanfiction communities are void of deeply troubling elements and individuals. Furthermore, some of these deeply troubling individuals have acted much like beacons, attracting like-minded individuals to them.

In mid-July 2020 a series of events in Discord, spanning over several servers, revolving around a single individual in the Tomarry (Tom Riddle x Harry Potter) pairing community, revealed an alarming pattern of coordinated and collaborative predatory and gaslighting behaviour. And though this account could begin from any of the servers involved, perhaps it remains best to begin from the heart of the matter: a server known as Chaotic Smutty, created by user Asa4929, who has chosen to name himself “Lord Asa”, encouraging others to refer to him as such after adopting “Death Eater” names.

And though this could’ve remained a matter of a Harry Potter fan playing a role with his online friends, harmlessly existing in a server of their own making… that is not what happened. Facilitation of engagement of minors in sexually explicit discourseIt must first be understood that the members of Chaotic Smutty were not real life friends of Asa, but were pulled over from another server. Prior to the creation of Chaotic Smutty, Asa had already begun amassing a following of ‘fans’ from a larger fandom Discord Server by the name, Chamber of Secrets (CoS). Asa’s server was created after a number of disagreements between Asa and the moderators of CoS. One of these disagreements included the age restriction set by the CoS’ moderators due to frequent sexually explicit discussions within the server, which will be addressed in greater detail below. Asa then set about inviting his fans to his private server. The initial claim that many accepted and agreed with was that he wanted to create a “safe space” for younger people to discuss sex and sexuality.

[Image: Chaotic Smutty’s Server Rules. Screenshot retrieved 15th of July 2020.]

It was soon evident, however, that the discussions in this server were far from that of a sex-ed class. The owner of the server held what was termed ‘livewrites’ that meant writing paragraphs of fiction ‘live’ for server members to read, comment and react on.

He would also open the voice-chat function to read out the content he had written. Server discussions and livewrites included: dubious consent, non-consensual acts (rape), incest, sex toys and dildos from Bad Dragon, and necrophilia.

[Image: An example of one of the tamer live-writing sessions by Asa. 25th of June 2020.]

While these are arguably conservations and discussions that could consensually take place in an online space, the question that rises is: are these conversations into which a minor should be invited?

When it was brought up on the 16th of March that a 13 year old was active on the server, Asa reacted with boredom and disinterest. Few weeks later on the 30th of March when Blaise’s age was brought up again, Asa reacted with disdain towards another user’s brief concern by stating “not this again”, effectively silencing the follower who had indicated surprise at the presence of a minor. Between these two instances the minor had been involved in sexually charged conversations in the server.

[Image: Though this is not the first or last time Blaise has revealed their age (13) in the Chaotic Smutty server, it is yet another example of the awareness of other members towards the fact that there is a minor in the server. March 16th 2020.]

[Image: Members discuss sex toys with Blaise. 26th of March 2020]

When user “regulus black” asks if they should be concerned after Blaise reveals once again that they’re 13, Asa is quick to close the discussion with “Can we not get into this topic again”. March 30th 2020

To clarify on the timeline: the minor’s age was established first on the 16th of March, and again on 30th of March 2020 - in both cases not only was age dismissed, but in the second one the conversation regarding it was firmly nipped in the bud. Between these two instances Blaise had been engaged in a conversation revolving around sex-toys. Then on the 15th of June 2020 the minor was asked by Asa to look at luxury vibrators.

[Image: Asa singles out Blaise who had at least twice by then established their age (13) in Asa’s presence, by instructing them to look at luxury vibrators. 15th of June]

Grooming of minors is a growing problem online, though thankfully its signs are clear and well-identified. An info-pdf published by https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents states the following:

Once a relationship is established an offender may then introduce sexual themes to the conversation, for example, asking the child about their sexual experiences, sharing pornography with them or asking them for sexual pictures of themselves. Different offenders will have different approaches so whereas this process may be very quick it can also take days, weeks or even months.

When Asa received a request from Discord Administration to comply with the Terms of Service in regards to the NSFW (Not Safe For Work) content, the members remarked that the entire channel is NSFW. Snow, another minor (age undisclosed) was quick to suggest a “solution” to getting around the age restriction with the support of other server users, showcasing instantly that compliance with the rules was only skin-deep, and earlier practices would continue to be facilitated.

[Image: Asa forwarding the request of Discord Admins on the 15th of July, teasing the possibility of no longer facilitating the engagement of minors in sexual discourse. This didn’t last long.]

[Image: Members state that the whole channel is NSFW (not safe for work). Snowy, another minor in the channel, suggests a way to get around the rule, receiving support.]

[Image: Asa promises to set up separate NSFW channels. Does not indicate any interest in restricting access to those channels, making their existence merely a formality]

Surrounded by numerous discord users in a channel of over seventy participants, how is it that this conduct had been allowed to continue? Certainly a part of it is due to the ineffectiveness of the discord policies and a surface-level implementation of minor and underage protection guidelines. However, why do these rules and Discord ToS that are put in place not spark deeper thinking in the server members and reflection on their own actions? Does nobody question why the Discord ToS is written to prevent minors from engaging in discussion of explicit sexual topics and how it is a larger issue raised in many countries’ legislation as well? In order to understand that, we delve into the dynamics of the group and the people surrounding Asa.

as tumblr has limitations on their posts, please follow these links.

pt2 pt3 Statement abt usernames Update

#tomarry #tumblr #harrymort #fandom #harry potter #dsof

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serenedash · 3 years

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I started rambling about my experience with kh and then it turned into khux and then it just turned into me rambling about Ryou and my art journey????? enjoy I guess,

it’s very long but there’s art in there :)

It’s funny to think about my kh journey as a whole tbh, I grew up watching my mom play video games, which included kh1 and 2. I wasn’t allowed to play the playstation2 we owned BUT I did have a gameboy so the first game I played was CoM (after my mom finished it ofc,) so I guess you could say I’ve always been passionate about kh “””side games””” lmao but I did fall off of kh very quickly bc again, I wasn’t allowed to play our PS2 and also I Am A Terrible Gamer I’ve Never Finished CoM I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but then 358/2 came out when I was in middle school and!!! I didn’t care and I didn’t play idk why lol

Anyway, fast forward to high school I’m like 15 and my older sister, who HAS been keeping up with kh, has a wallpaper on her phone of roxas and ventus. And bc I haven’t kept up I say “nice roxas wallpaper” and she says “thanks but it’s roxas and ventus” and I proceeded to get so mad that I was determined to prove to her that her wallpaper was just roxas twice and then I fell down the BBS rabbit hole and suddenly I was reading about vanitas and then I’m reading the fan translations of the BBS novel and I’m crying??? I am sobbing???? and that’s how I actually got into kh for real lol we are vanitas stans before we are people,

It’s so funny how I thought I was some kh super fan, knowing all this stuff that I spent so long reading and rewatching cutscene movies, but I never once, SOMEHOW NEVER ever came across khx. It’s so absurd and bizarre I seriously have no idea how I never once encountered khx prior to khux. I suppose that has to do with the fact I wasn’t involved in the fandom? In early high school I had stepped away from fandoms as a whole and I didn’t have any interest in really posting content or interacting with fans anymore bc of how burnt out I was from a previous fandom,

but khux released! and I was so hype and excited for it! on launch day I was a senior in high school, I had ran around to every “nerd” and weeb I could find in school to ask them to join my party and fun fact about me is I have crippling social anxiety I literally refuse to start conversations irl so holy shit I was OUT HERE doing the MOST

My player just originally had my name (Matt) but everyone in my party had fun names so Ryou was born! High school was one big yugioh phase for me and ryou bakura is one of my favorite characters ever so it was just the logical name choice lol I quickly started creating Ryou, the character, as well. I was also leaving my homestuck phase and that + vanitas obsession made This character design (art circa 2016)

If y’all are familiar with my kh oc’s you might notice that keyblade now belongs to my kid Monty LOL

Anyway that got scrapped quickly for the chip and dale outfit (which is where Ryou’s trademark goggles are from <3) Goggles have been a staple of my character designs for a LONG TIME so like, it had to be done, (that’s a separate ramble about a separate oc tho)

OG Ryou was an interesting guy; he was a young party leader with this overwhelming responsibility on his shoulders bc of his status as a party leader. In his original story, he also struggled heavily with darkness, much like Terra but for Ryou it was more that the darkness was controlling him and not like a source of power like it was for Terra

A big part of early Ryou I kept, however, was the crushing awareness of loss. One of my party members (the strongest one at the time,) had left without saying a word and I was very confused and hurt. This was around the time the ephemera plot was happening so I decided to incorporate it into Ryou’s story; having him experience losing a friend to darkness since it’s so normal for wielders in Daybreak Town to just disappear, and this would unintentionally become a theme for both me and Ryou as khux friends would just randomly disappear.

I was desperate for khux at this point and I decided to watch the fan translations for khx and GOD, god, was I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the foretellers. And I’m not going off about that here bc I already did that, but I actually started entering fandom again! I did it slowly, I started on tumblr before this blog was made altho it was me sending anons to the few khux related blogs I could have lol a friend convinced me to get twitter where I got involved with the ffxv fandom, which led me to the kh fandom and eventually the khux fandom there which is what REALLY got me going on khux.

I joined discord servers, most of the servers I’m in are khux related, and from there I joined the khux oc rp (shout out to anyone there who might be reading this lol here’s some art from the beginning of the rp,)

It’s SO FUNNY how the RP influenced me so heavily. I hadn’t RP’d in YEARS, I used to have a strict no oc rp policy, but here I was? And the funny part is, I had barely developed Ryou. I had scrapped his original story and all I had was POST WAR Ryou so I literally had to reverse write him; I had only ever written him as a depressed, guilt ridden adult, but it was a fucking blast and I have such fond memories of this rp when it was active,

But anyway, this encouraged me to get more serious about art! I started drawing, writing, cosplaying, and roleplaying when I hadn’t done any of that stuff in a very long time. The first time I ever drew a background was for a deviant art khux competition actually LOL

also! I always think extremely fondly of the drawing I did of Aced in the keyblade war. It was also one of the first backgrounds I ever drew and it felt like my real starting point in the khux fandom. It got a ton of notes on here and someone wrote a tiny fic in a reblog which just made me SO HAPPY like it really felt like people were noticing me :) I was going to draw a matching Ira but!! I just never did!! One day tho, it’s on my art bucket list to redraw this along with Ira,

Aside from my personal growth, khux was great for my social life ngl, I made SO MANY friends online and got to meet a ton of people irl over the years! It’s crazy to think about all the people I now know and talk to? It honestly makes me really emotional. I’ll never forget taking the train into NYC and meeting up with discord friends. Going to conventions and talking with people about the latest khux update? Absolutely insane and those were some GOOD TIMES, if I thanked every khux friend or even just person who made an impact on me then we’d be here for a LONG TIME,

Fun fact, for my Lauriam cosplay all I needed to buy was the wig I just owned his outfit LOL also? Probably retiring that cosplay ngl people treated me like absolute garbage when I wore him and it led to a lot of confidence issues for awhile ngl. That’s probably one of the only memorable negative experiences I have with khux; it was great when khux people recognized me but for kh fans that weren’t in khux? They were FUCKING MEAN??? fuck kh fandom at large, I only care about khux fandom,

This leads me to another huge part of my experience in khux fandom: THEORIES!! I used to write SO MANY and oh my god my brain was so full all the time. It was a huge appeal for me in the fandom; I had been previously writing theory posts in the RWBY fandom and it just migrated over to khux for me lol I had done a ton of theorizing around Lauriam tbh, it was really the only reason I liked his character at all bc initially I did not care about the dandelions, anyone who wasn’t Skuld I was like “please leave Now thanks”

A funny part of khux fandom I never intended to be apart of is the MEMES, I really only started doing memes as stress relief bc college had me so busy all I had time/energy for was these quick little shit post drawings.

The first meme I made, file name “invi despair” LOL we need to get her a girlfriend smh anyway, I think in my senior year of college I did a bunch of rapid fire memes all in one month bc the stress of finals was getting so bad afdgfhdgf as far as I know my impact on this fandom will be my memes bc all I do now is enter a kh/khux server and introduce myself and I go “yeah I draw art. here’s a meme” and everyone goes OH YOU, honestly I am nothing if not a clown

I’ve talked so much idk where I’m going with this. Khux is just a good game even if the gameplay actually kind of really sucks yknow lol but it was the first game I played where I like, REALLY got into the meta and the mechanics. I used to read so much on the mechanics and watch youtube videos on which medals were worth pulling for. I was never a whale or a top player exactly, but I could rank well if I tried lol I’ve made it to the top 100 for solo rankings, my party has made it to top 10, and in pvp I’ve made top 300. I’m not the highest level in my party but FUCK do I know how to manipulate this game LOL

And with all that hard work, the strategies, the theorizing, the content I’ve made-- it’s been my life for 5 years. I’ve logged into khux almost every single day. At the end, I have logged 1820 days in khux out of 1910 days. Kinda crazy. Crazier I’ve never spent money on khux either lol the only “money” gone into it was one time my mom gave me a google play store gift card and I used it on my birthday for a VIP xemnas medal which eventually made it to regular pulls anyway but it was nice and a little treat :)

I’m not a gacha fan, I don’t care for it, so I don’t think I’ll be touching another gacha again. But for kh? This was pretty fucking awesome, even if it sucked a lot sometimes LOL It was worth it for the people I’ve met most of all I think. I would honestly be a completely different person without khux and that’s REALLY insane to think about.

#the khux hyperfixation is REAL #but yall knew this about me #there's so much more I could say but it's 2am and this is long enough already #im rambling

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gallickingun · 4 years

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bnhabookclub’s rules were plagiarized.

when creating the archive/club blog and server, i was looking at other fandom archive blogs, event blogs, fandom servers, writing servers, and the like, and they all seemed to have similar rules. that doesn’t make what i did right.

I PLAGIARIZED THE SOUTHSIDEARCHIVE’S RULES WHEN CREATING THE BNHABOOKCLUB.

my intent was not malicious. regardless of how i felt about alisha/rivendell101 (even though i had never once sent her anonymous hate, made vague posts about her, or was nasty to her in the ssa server or in bnhabc, and never directly had any drama/issues with her), there was no mean intent behind this. i know there’s nothing i can say at this point to make anyone believe that, but i know it’s the truth. and that’s enough for me. i created the bc with the intent to bring writers and content creators together to grow and support one another. that’s it. i didn’t do it out of the nasty hatred of my heart to see anyone else not succeed. i didn’t do it to try and put anyone on top of anyone else, or to push anyone else to the bottom. i just wanted people to be able to work together to have a good time and to improve and get inspired.

regardless of intent, the end result is still the same. the rules on both the server and the blog were plagiarized from the ssa.

i apologize for my prior actions and silence. originally, in alisha’s post, she told me she did not want my apology, so i incorrectly assumed that meant there was no need to address the situation because she deliberately stated that there was no need for a response. regardless, i should have done the right thing and owned up to everything from the start. i apologize for that.

i also want to apologize for the post where someone asked where bookclub came from/originated. i reached out to a mod in another bnha server and asked if we could have more things like the writer bot for sprinting to help create community and hype over each other’s stories. they denied that request because they didn’t want the environment to become to competitive. after that, i started working towards creating an intricate server with a points and rewards system, a fic archive to support other writers (because i had seen all of the upset regarding silent readers lately - originally there was only going to be the discord server alone), bots that were coded by a computer/software engineer (and that we paid to host), etc. i was in several servers at the time, and they all ran very similarly, so i incorrectly believed that there was no need to credit for things such as rules because other servers/blogs were all using the same type of guideline for what they deemed necessary to create a list of rules. i know better now.

again, regardless of intent or ignorance, i should have reached out and requested permission to format the rules like the ssa’s.

the fact that people are using my private messages, sent in the heat of the moment when i was upset, and also out of context, is frankly frustrating. i’ve admitted several times that the person i was around march-june is someone who i loathe. i was petty, i was rude, i was flippant, and i was not myself. i’m not going to blame my mental health, i’m taking ownership of my actions during that time. but that does not mean that is who i am now, months later, after a lot of self reflection, therapy, and intervention from very dear friends of mine. as i stated before, i appreciate being given the ability to grow and learn from these experiences and friendships i’ve had for the past few months.

regarding delaying letting alisha into the bookclub, we weren’t going to let new members in until june 1st. as per her post, she was let in around may 23-25, with everyone else. i would never delay bringing in a new member purely off of personal bias alone. and i’m sorry for the fact that those ss made it seem that way. and regarding her being blocked on tumblr, that was after a (ex)friend of mine warned me that alisha might be the person sending me anonymous hate and i just felt uncomfortable having her on my dash with access to my blog. i do not have her blocked on discord, either. there was nothing personal about it. and the allegations that i’m gatekeeping the bnha/hq fandom are frankly ridiculous. even the person in those ss that i ranted to liked/reblogged/commented/recommended alisha’s fics. alisha has a higher follower count than me, her fics get more notes. depending on how you measure success, you could say that she’s literally a more successful blogger/writer than me, based on notes and engagement alone. nothing i did ever kept anyone from reading her fics and interacting with them. i can also recognize her talent. she deserves those notes, she’s a wonderful writer. i legit have had conversations and ss where i’ve stated this, if she would like the proof.

there is no “NDA” needed to be signed prior to getting into the server, either. i made that announcement because people were upset that these hate blogs are using their messages they send in a private server as ammunition with disregard to how it might make them feel, and also without their consent. it’s not fair or right to use ss of things people say in the privacy of a server to further your agenda. i recognize that i did this in order to address the anonymous hate being sent to me a few weeks ago, which i only did in response to people requesting the “full story”, but i have since deleted the post. if people want to talk about the way they feel to the public, then that’s fine, but discord servers are private places for people to explore their thoughts, desires, and ideas. and i believe they should be kept private. and frankly, the person who is sending these screenshots can just... not let the door hit them on the way out. you’re not welcome if you’re going to lurk, take ss, and not address your issues directly.

i’m going to pin this post, because i do still have my queue running as i’m on semi-hiatus outside of prior obligations such as collabs and matchups, and it will get buried eventually. and this needs to be seen and heard and addressed. i’m not going to answer anonymous hate, i don’t condone anonymous hate being sent, and frankly, if these exposing blogs want to rip apart this post then they’re more than welcome. i feel genuinely horrible for everyone i’ve hurt in the process of all of this, intentionally or unintentionally. i know what it’s like battling mental illness, and i sincerely hope that no one has been triggered or incapable of managing their anxiety throughout this process.

as stated prior, the bookclub is undergoing a full makeover, estimated to be completed by 9/30. this was already started behind the scenes, since we’ve made so many changes to channels, rules, content, roles, etc.. there is going to be nothing remaining from the prior servers without their explicit consent. i really appreciate the time to grow and learn and adjust what’s necessary in order to get everything on the right track.

#tw: discourse

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unioncolours · 4 years

Text

One Majsasaurus Year!

Today is a very special day for me. This day marks the one-year anniversary since I uploaded the very first chapter of my very first fanfiction. It has been one year since I stepped into the Naruto/Boruto fandom as a content creator.

This post is going to be a sappy meta post about my year as a content creator and my relationship to my fanfictions, to my writing and to my fandom and friends.

Please continue reading down below 💕⬇

I began watching Naruto in 2019, and by summer 2019 I had seen Shikamaru’s arc in Shippuden. I was blown away by his character and I was a full shipper of ShikaTema by then. I could not wait until we got to the end of Shippuden, and began googling the next gen characters (and spoiling the end game couples at the same time) and you can only imagine my satisfaction when I found out ShikaTema became canon and they had a son.

Very soon after this I came up with my first fanfiction idea, the one that gave birth to my very first fanfiction Shadows and Sand. I believed that idea had been done before, but after vacuuming through both ff.net and ao3, and I found nothing, I decided to write it myself.

I may have written fanfictions only for a year, but prior to this I was hardcore into the original writing world. I had written two fantasy novels and five full length plays before I wrote my first fanfiction, one of which was published, so the art of writing was something I was fairly used to.

The fanfiction writers I had read and followed to this point were Big Fandom Name writers with strict schedules and lots of readers. Every time they uploaded a new chapter their audience would write comments like “Your spoiling us with these tight schedules” and so on. I really liked the idea of a consecutive schedule and decided to write the whole first fic in its entirety, so I could “spoil” my potential readers with updates.

Shadows and Sand ended up being 35 000 word long, divided into eight chapters. This was the first story in my whole life I had ever written completely in English (and it was not easy). Going back to Shadows and Sand is cringy for me, mainly for the way I expressed myself in English, thought I still think the plot is great.

Here is one of the lines from Shadows and Sand I to this day think is amazing:

“She [Mirai] looked into his eyes, but he [Shikadai] didn’t look back, because he was already staring into a nightmare where his dad was dead because of his mistakes.”

For a totally new fanfiction writer, with no “fanbase” prior to this, I would say I got quite a lot of comments (around 15 in total on the eight chapters) and I was extremely happy for that.

I uploaded the whole thing in a week and a half, satisfied and proud of the result. At the final chapter I got a comment where the commentor wrote something along the lines of “Well written angst and well written fluff”. I pondered about those statements for a long time, thinking, yes, this was actually angst, even if I in the moment of writing – then I was still unused to the tagging system and the tropes of fanfiction, didn’t categorise the fic as angst, because I thought angst could only be chopped off limbs and painful deaths. But this fic had angst as well. Tiny angst, but still. And a rather powerful feeling rose in my chest from that moment. This is what I want to do in the fandom. To write heartfelt stories that make people feel.

One week after I uploaded the final chapter of Shadow and Sand my fingers began to itch. I wanted to write more. Wanted to explore the little grain of world building I had already created. Wanted to write more Shikadai and Inojin kissing.

And thus, To go down with the Sun was born.

I began writing Down with the Sun with only one vision – something epic and an explosion. The plot was evolving as I was writing and the result ended up being just beautiful. And I became obsessed with this story. I wrote it in racer speed, 50 000 words in 26 days (that is madness, I tell you, MADNESS!) and then the rest 30k in 20 days. I could not think of anything but this story and the Next Generation Kids I put through trials and hell. I felt true euphoria while writing this story that unfolded under my fingers like in a dream. It was a mania, and a damn strong one.

The first thing I did when I woke up was writing, the last thing I did before going to bed was writing it. I prioritised writing this story above all in my life.

At the time of uploading, the fic did not get that much recognition. I got about one comment per chapter. When I uploaded the final chapter, I got two comments on that one, which was a tiny bummer, since I had hoped for more. It was a lonely, but lovely job to write Down with the Sun, mostly with my own thoughts as company, since the readers were rather quiet with feedback.

But I loved the few comments I got and I still got kicks from just the single act of uploading a new chapter. Because in the end, I wrote for myself and even more for the characters and plot. Finishing the story was the greatest motivator.

I uploaded the final chapter of To go down with the Sun December 7th, 2019. And I still to this day love the story I created, even if I know that I’d definitely re-write some elements from the story if I’d write it again. But I still love it.

After To go down with the Sun I wrote the fic that I hold the least emotional value to, Earning a weasel’s trust. The story is cute and short (11 000 words). It was a nice little project focusing on Temari’s motherhood to Shikadai that I wrote in a week. It got close to no feedback or attention, but it didn’t make me sad, because I needed to write and share that story and then move on with my life. I am though happy I wrote it.

At this time in my creative process I had been really lonely. It had been me with my own head and the characters. I had no beta reader and no one to bounce off ideas or anything. I had no fandom friends. I am still amazed I had written around 130k words without almost any support whatsoever in the span of four months.

This all changed in late December 2019. I found a Discord Server that I basically begged to get to be part of, and it really changed my fandom experience. Prior to this, my fandom experience had been lonely, and I just produced and consumed content. There was no interaction between anyone, except me replying to commentors.

And now, I found friends. I found people who loved the same pairing and show as I, and it felt almost life changing. This was the time when fandom really felt like… a hobby. A home. Before, it was a creative outlet, now it became a community.

I thrived.

The mod of this server @loknnica, hosted during this time a writing contest, which I eagerly wanted to take part of. I wrote my contest fic, Branded by Love, during January 2020, in which I made Shikamaru betray Konoha for Suna and Temari, and their son Shikadai became the One Tail jinchuuriki. The fic was 10k words long, and OUCH, the backstory I came up with. As soon as BbL was finished I decided that I wanted to write a long version of this canon divergence-world I had created.

In February 2020 I began writing Trial of the Heart, the epic version of Branded by Love. And damn, damn, damn what an epic story was born out of my fingers and brain. I love ToH, I loved what it turned out to be, a heart-wrenching and sad story of Shikamaru, Temari and Shikadai in a world of war.

While writing ToH the writing contest was ending and to my big, big delight, I WON! Branded by Love and I won the contest! This was precisely the boost I needed to really feel validated in my rather specific writing style and choice of plots.

I wrote ToH almost non-stop for four months, and in the beginning of June, the 28th chapter was uploaded. Trial of the Heart ended up being 123 000 words long. In four months, a whole damn NOVEL was created from my keyboard.

The pride, guys. The pride and joy I felt was like a drug injection.

Finishing off works is the greatest, greatest dose of motivation and pride. To write, write, write and finish. And let go of your work, to upload it with a great smile on your face.

During the spring and summer of 2019 three very important friends entered my life.

Vee (@veeganburger on twitter),

Becks (@notquitejiraiya on twitter)

Spooky (@spookymoth on twitter).

These three wonderful ladies really made me feel valid as a writer, and made me love my own work as well. During the spring To go down with the Sun had gained quite a lot of attraction, and the kudos and comments came. All the loneliness I had felt during the autumn was replaced by joy and love of sharing my works. These women have shared their thoughts of my work (and art) to me and I have also in privacy felt secure to talk with these women about nothing and all at once. They never fail to cheer me up.

I love you.

I had also gained the nickname “Shikadai’s tormentor” after multiple times forced that poor boy into horrible situations in my works. The user @shikanaradai’s nickname is Shikadai’s protector and we have an ongoing joke about being archenemies because of this. Ah. The fandom bubble was and is so lovely when you can experience inside jokes with friends. They became my friends, and I gained so much from this.

ANYHOW.

During Trial of the Heart I wrote a friendship between Shikadai and Inojin and I realised I missed writing them as a couple, like I had done in To go down with the Sun. With the support of Vee, who was really, really excited for a new fic where those two boys are a couple, I decided to write a sequel to To go down with the Sun, which I named To dance above the Stars.

In the wait before I began writing that one, I wrote two one shots, 48 hours to live – a next gen focused fic based on a manga chapter from the Boruto manga, and a pure Shikadai x Inojin one shot, I found love in the eyes of a boy, because at that time I knew already I had dug my own grave with that pairing.

I began writing To dance above the Stars in June 2020 and uploaded the first chapter at the end of the same month.

Simultaneously as I wrote Above the Stars I also wrote/edited three fics, one of them called The End, for an application to become a writer to the ShikaTema zine Everything I never knew I wanted. The results of the application came in the middle of July, when I had written a good chunk of Above the Stars.

I WAS ACCEPTED!

I am now officially one of the five writers for that zine!

To dance above the Stars got better recognition that I ever imagined. I was terrified that no one would want to read it, because it was a sequel and had very niched themes. A rare gay next gen pairing in focus and a story with extremely heavy emotional themes. I was so unsure anyone would want to read. The same feeling of loneliness that I had experienced during To go down with the Sun came back a little bit. That it in the end would be only me and my text.

How wrong I was.

To dance above the Stars got wonderful feedback, and more kudos than for example Trial of the Heart got. I received wonderful comments, and even fanart! I was so extremely happy and felt a new powerful emotion. It almost felt like my fic had its own little world in the world of fics, if that makes sense? Like a miniature fandom. During the late summer To go down with the Sun got translated into Russian by a wonderful reader of mine, enabling my texts to a wider audience, which I am extremely honoured by.

As I write this, it is September 2020. One year ago, I was writing Shadows and Sand and struggling through stringing English sentences together and that was also when “my” version of Shikadai was born. One year ago, I was writing what I to this day think is the best fighting scene I have ever written – and I write a lot of fight scenes. One year ago I was listening to “I just want to be brave” from the movie Lion King to get into Shikadai vibes and the mistake he did in that fic, a song I revisit for this reason time and time again.

I remember naively thinking that I will finish Shadows and Sand and then maybe write something else as well. Little did I then, in September 2019 know, that I would one year later have written closer to 400k words of fics, centred around Team 10 or around the Nara family. One year, almost four hundred thousand words.

Now, one year later I had won a writing contest, written three full length NOVELS as fics, been accepted to a wonderful zine, and found lovely, lovely friends. I even got crowned as a “Queen” for the Shikadai x Inojin ship, Shikajin as it is called, since I am one of the like three people who write for that ship, and have to this date written around 180k words for them. Which is a lot, haha!

I feel like I have conquered a tiny corner of the great fandom sandbox, and let me tell you, I thrive in my own corner. I might have few followers on twitter compared to many other creators, but I still want to provide content for those who want to see it. I might write rather niche works, but they filled a space where no fics were, and enriched the fandom in their own ways, even if I haven’t gotten tens of comments on each chapter. I have gotten around four comments each chapter, but it felt like okay.

I might not mod great zines like many of my friends do, something that did for a few months bring great stress into my fandom life. Am I a second-hand fandom member because I don’t want to moderate a zine, was something I often thought about. Am I lesser worth because I don’t do these amazing projects? No, I am not. And I feel very satisfied by just following my friends’ journeys and look at beautiful twitter accounts for zines.

I want to put my energy on writing intriguing plots and difficult fight scenes. Every fandom experience is valid.

In my heart I know my fics and content are good. Maybe not as good as native English writer’s content, but they’ve got a heart and soul on their own, and I really feel like I do have a Majsasaurus genre, trope or theme going on in my fics. And to be honest, I love it, and I accept that other people might not love it as much, or not at all. But it doesn’t matter. What I think of my own content matter.

If any of you, who read this, have commented even once on one of my fics, thank you.

If any of you have ever interacted with me on twitter through comments, thanks you.

If any of you have pressed the follow button on either twitter or tumblr for me, thank you.

If any of you have left kudos to me, thank you.

If any of you have read my stuff but don’t want to comment because of different reasons, or if you feel shy to reach out, thank you for reading and I appreciate you as well.

That was one hell of a Majsasaurus Year. Here’s to the next year. Cheers!

Thank you, all of you. You make my fandom experience complete.

- Majsasaurus Bex

#shikadai fanfiction #shikamaru fanfiction #majsasaurus #meta discussion #fic writing #i love you guys #all of you #thank you for reading and for everything

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drsteggy · 4 years

Note

For the fanfic writer ask thing: 2, 13, 27, 34! Happy Friday!

Happy Friday @st0rmyskies ! Thank you for the asks!!

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

I have a pretty high stress and occasionally emotionally charged job that was spiking into my red zones prior to March 2020 when the screws got tightened, and my job got busier, and everyone got more stressed and all the escape things I did had to stop. I could not go to cons and dressing in cosplay at home feels weird to me. There were no model horse shows, and while the hobby has adapted to photo shows, I have only been able to participate as a judge and again, the social aspect is gone. I could not see my friends and work really became my entire world. I have always told myself that could never happen.

So I threw myself into a thing I’d written just to dump an idea that then became 9,000 words and pantsed it into 88,000 words and wow it was a ride at times but it did get me through some shit when I was angry and sad all at once, and there wasn’t a way to physically burn the crap via competition. I like that the particular sandbox I’m in is very flexible with canon (or not) and seems to welcome remixing and retooling.

I thought I’d be one and done but I managed to make friends as I wrote and it was fun bouncing silly ideas off each other, and experimenting with things to just play with them and I find that I really enjoy this new way to play. I don’t know if I have another novel length thing in me but I do have a couple irons in the fire and I did my first fic exchange and I’ve applied to a couple zines (I’m hoping to hear from the first of these today squeeee!) so I hope that going forward, once the world allows me to cosplay at cons, and pack up a carload of plastic horses and drive 12 hours to meet up with other people with carloads of plastic horses again, I’ll still play with it.

13. First fandom you ever wrote for?

The X Files! The show started the same year I started grad school and I was hooked immediately. I also got online the same year. One day, a fellow fan/classmate told me about a Usenet group where people wrote stories about the X Files and Star Trek!!!! It took several years, but I did write one story and I remember getting it beta read and I don’t think it ever got posted because I also thought it never was finished and then lost as I moved computers.

Then like 3 weeks ago I was digging through my hard drive for something and I found it! And it was done! So I posted it on New Year’s Day, and I am so freaking happy I have it back. Hooray for digital hoarding.

27. What’s the nicest comment you ever received?

It’s hard to pick just one, because I've had a lot that touched me, but this stands out to me. I joined a small discord server that focused on my fandom and posted a link to my then in progress longfic. I wanted people to read it but I was getting frustrated that no one seemed interested-I do a relatively small fandom and everyone wanted to read Marvel and Harry Potter.

I woke up in the morning and someone on the discord said something like “oh hey I’m reading this and no regrets” and then I opened my email and this person had binged the entire thing I had at that point and commented on every chapter. I was terrified because I had been crossposting to fanfiction dot net and already had some kinda mean anonymous people who I could not interact with. These comments though were gentle and encouraging and picked out things I’d written and praised them and I went from being completely terrified to realizing I’d probably found my people.

I do like it when people tell me they thought Old!Link would be boring or weird but they tried it anyway and ended up loving it.

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of

This is the end of chapter 14 of the long fic. I like it because it’s a point where Link is starting to clumsily grapple with the trauma of his life, though it’s not going well for him. He is making decisions that don’t serve him well, and make him more upset. He is angry at his lot and starting to lash out at people who want to support and help him, and idk it was delicious to write this.

Plus I am also happy with how my version of the Arbiter’s Grounds came out because I have not played that bit of Twilight Princess yet.

“Hylia, have you tired of sending children in your stead? Are you sending an old man in your name now?”

The voice has a smokey texture to it he didn’t hear in his dreams. He swivels his head, looking for the source. He has done this before, and he knows what is next. He wrenches the sword out of the skull, and slides to the floor.

He is ready.

“Who do you think you are? Do you really think you are worthy of that tunic you wear?”

He snarls “You can decide after we dance. Let’s go.”

There’s a throaty laugh in response. Link stands his ground, relaxing his hips and knees in preparation to fight. He rolls his right wrist, giving the Master Sword a showy flip. The blade is glowing and he can feel a low thrum through his arm. He hears the faint sound of glass breaking somewhere.

“Not today, old man. Not today.”

“But soon.”

And like that, the presence is gone, and it’s just him and a giant pile of dead bone. He thinks there’s a flash of light on the corner of his vision and when he turns to it, there’s a wooden box that he is sure was not there before. Inside that; the red, heart shaped crystal and an enormous topaz. He scoops them up, pausing as the red crystal restores him. Using the hook shot once more to get out of the pit, he then heads out into the desert night; back to Gerudo.

It’s cold; and the sky is a deep, dark blue, filled with pinpoints of light. He pauses once to look up and name the constellations. The Wind Fish. Aquamentus. Creatures from stories. He catches himself wondering if she is looking up at the night sky and naming the same stars. He pushes on. None of this seems fair, suddenly.

He is back at the gates at dawn. The guards eye him, wondering how much trouble he is going to be. He feels like a toxic combination of tired and frustrated and angry. He feels like he might be trouble.

He barks at them. “Tell the queen of Hyrule her hero is at the gates for her.”

#writer asks #asks and answers #fanficton #st0rmyskies #uneasy lies the chosen of farore #freak

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blue-shaded · 5 years

Text

A honest critique on the JSE discord.

So Sean opened up his discord again and according to himself about 40k+ people joined within LESS than 24 hours. It looks like this decision was NOT communicated to the mods seeing as they are handling the situation very poorly prior to ALREADY handling it under the bare minimum of what is acceptable as moderator

The server is a huge mess, it already was before the link was posted again.

Point 1:

Before these 24 hours you were silenced as soon you didn’t think alike with the hivemind. As soon you start voicing yourself and say anything that’s out of line with what the majority think, some stannie will cry “MOOOOOOOD THEY ARE BULLYING ME” and mods will immediately come in to exile you. Mind you, without even looking at what the context of the situation is. They still do it now,

They don’t even look at the conversation, just as long you say anything that can be interpreted as negative, you are silenced.

Point 2:

Despite the mods saying, “no backseat modding”. There is a LOT of backseat modding in that server. A lot of it is just stannies trying to be helpful (whether it is to get closer to getting an actual moderator position and get closer to Sean that way, or to be actually helpful is up to each their own) They don’t live up to their own rules and it shows. They makeshift rules as they go and don’t actually have a system to mod civilly. They do it as they go and make up what works best for them in the moment. As long the blame is NEVER on Sean or the moderators or hivemind stannies in the server.

They were unable to handle a situation that had gotten out of hand and overrun by spammers. As certain people who were spamming in there STILL have an active role, you can hereby determine that NO ONE in question was banned from spamming, Which was against the rules. In panic they decided to lock the chat to stop the banning instead of putting consequences on the people who did it.

Point 3:

The moderators are NOT moderators but glorified fandom members. Starring: Camilla, Formerly mod Kasper the ghost and Piligy. All mutuals of Sean or people he often interacts with on Tumblr. None of them know how to do their job correctly no matter if they have modding experience, be it on Discord or Twitch, or YouTube. None of them know how to actually mod and BECAUSE they are fandom members, and not selected on their talent but rather on their popularity, they are automatically bias vs stannies and Sean himself and thus the server has become part of the hivemind echochamber mentality that this community has.

Point 4:

Majority of what’s going down in that place is asskissing, be it towards mods or Sean. The big initial reason behind any form of communication in there is to get noticed or to stand out and be among the popular people.

Point 5:

The other majority of what’s happening in there is complaints about cooldown situations or about how poorly the server is moderated/ the little amount of mods/ the lack of capable mods/ the amount of spam in the server DESPITE the cooldown on the chat.

Point 6:

The server is very poorly organized to a point where new people continously have to ask where even the general chat is, Mods thought it’d be fancy to give all 9 general chats a name associated to the ego’s so its unclear what type of message goes where. Which leads to people just posting whatever wherever and more chaos ensues.

The solution:

Now here it is. Before y’all stannies go label me as hater because I didn’t provide criticism on how to actually solve this.

- Hire ACTUAL moderators, Not glorified fans. Get people from OUTSIDE your community to moderate your discord server and hire those who are capable of handling chaotic situations without panicking. Get people you trust, don’t make it a competition of screaming for attention because people want to help out. Get people who are immune to elitism and favouritism and people who will listen to rules they written themselves - Recreate the entire place. It’s a huge mess as it is. Channels are chaotic, new protocols must be written, services must be disabled to prevent spam, you want a safe place? You must take action to achieve that. Delete and start over refreshed. - COMMUNICATE. Don’t throw people for a loop and say things as they are, no vague rule reciting. No silencing people. Also give channels the names to reflect what they are used for. No weird ass names that no one understands. - Limit the amount of members. A lot of people in there complain they want to be able to have actual conversations. Don’t invite thousands of people into the server and have them cry about the experience afterwards. Limit it to a few hundred, kick the inactives, and re-cycle through the amount of members in there so everyone can have a fair and square experience in the server and talk without getting mixed up in chaos. With that important moderator messages also won’t be flooded and there wouldn’t be a need to repeat everything several times per day. - Moderator functions should STAY within Discord and people should not bring over their entitlement and their position given to other platforms. A lot of the current moderators on Discord have a feeling they can moderate the community on other platforms too, Tumblr being a prime example.

#jacksepticeye #jse discord #jse community

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tenchiforum · 5 years

Photo

For the first time ever, the Toonami versions of OVA1/2, Universe, and Tokyo are available online! On their respective archive.org pages you can access each episode easily.

Watch now: OVA1/2, Tenchi Universe, Tenchi in Tokyo.

For users who keep up with contemporary anime communities, we also have an upload for the entire run available on Nyaa.

It’s been quite a journey in getting these episodes from analog to digital. If you’re interested in reading about the process of how these almost lost-to-time edits came into our hands and how we’ve gone about preserving them before the tapes rot, then sit back and enjoy the story below!

Part 1: Toonami – A Love Story.

Tenchi Muyo! and Toonami are tied together like the red thread of fate often times referenced in many East Asian myths. For those who aren’t aware, Toonami was a programming block on the Cartoon Network channel. Starting in 1997, it did one thing for anime that no other channel in the English-speaking world had ever done: showcased anime during “PrimeTime” (In North America at least, this was 4pm to 7pm Eastern Standard time). Before the internet, having this block of time meant having the most eyes on your product, meaning exposure was huge. Oftentimes whoever got on this block, regardless of the channel, was “made.”

However, it wouldn’t be until mid 1999, with a soft-rebranding, a new host, and an almost entirely anime-focused block, that Toonami would take over the world.

And on July 3rd, 2000, an entire generation was introduced to Tenchi Muyo! for the first time.

youtube

- The now legendary two minute Toonami promo.

Thanks to the efforts of Jason DeMarco, Sean Akins, Gill Austin, Sean Polinski, and the rest of the Toonami crew, the “Toonami generation,” still to this day, is the largest block of Tenchi Muyo! fans. Whether it was Toonami US, UK, or Australia. Tenchiforum is a testament to this fact. I personally would not be here were it not for Toonami, so to say that fans of Tenchi Muyo! hold Toonami in a high regard is an understatement.

I had always wanted to somehow, some way, get the Toonami version of Tenchi up for everyone to see again, but my old Toonami VHS recordings were long gone, and I figured trying to piece together the Toonami version from other people’s tapes would just be too hard with how many episodes were broadcast, that was until… 2012

In mid-to-late 2012, I found out that Pioneer actually released a home video version of what was shown on Toonami. It was simply released as “Tenchi Muyo!” in those big, white, clam shell VHS cases (that most people probably remember for old Disney movies). I felt as though I had struck gold! I was able to get a hold of the first two OVA, and was able to rip them to my computer.

- Vol. 1 & Vol. 5 of “Tenchi Muyo!” – No distinction was made that they were separate series.

Though I was high on my endorphin-induced nostalgia, I ran into a couple of unforeseen problems.

First and foremost, the equipment I was using was not great. I used an old StarTech composite to USB dongle and the software that came with it. While this isn’t necessarily bad at first glance (it doesn’t support Windows 10), I had no experience whatsoever in the field of digital transfer. While I think my rips were okay for the time, I knew even then that they were too low of bit-rate and the quality of the rips suffered for it.

Because I also had no VCR at the time that had S-Video output, I was only able to output from composite, which meant the whopping 240p equivalent VHS tapes look fuzzier than they probably should. (I realize that VHS is technically an analog format, meaning that a 1:1 equivalent digital representation is hard to pin down or that someone might argue that it did technically output 480i over composite, but basically it was 240p.)

Another problem was the software itself, I had no idea about Virtualdub, AmaRecTV, or other helpful capture software, so I only recorded at a lower bit-rate, again producing an inferior quality rip.

I also ran into the problem of showcasing the videos. Funimation (who now owns the vast majority of the Tenchi Muyo! franchise in North America) had finally started really cracking down on people uploading videos to Youtube. Even though my videos were not completely the same, the algorithm immediately flagged and blocked them. This led me to uploading the videos to Facebook. I had to cut them in half because of Facebook’s restriction to roughly only 12 minutes of video. Somehow in the process, some of the videos had audio drop out for a minute or two, and for some the audio dropped out completely.

Arguably the biggest blow though, was when I learned that this set of Toonami tapes was incomplete. Pioneer stopped producing the Toonami version for home video after they finished releasing Universe. Meaning, the only way to get the Toonami version of Tenchi in Tokyo, was hope that someone, somewhere, had taped it 11 years earlier.

While Tenchi in Tokyo has been getting more appreciation from fans as of late – thanks in part to most newer entries in the Tenchi OVA sucking harder than a vacuum – in the year 2000, it was the black sheep of the Tenchi Muyo! franchise. So expecting fans to have recorded any of it, let alone the entire series, was the long shot of all long shots. But even still, I made a post on the forum in 2013 asking if anyone knew anyone that might have anything.

Naturally, no one had any leads, and all of these previous problems meant that this project would, frustratingly, have to be shelved indefinitely.

Or at least, that’s what I thought.

Part 2: Deferred Dreams Don’t Die.

On April 5th, 2019, a person by the name of Talos dropped into our Discord server, and posted an introduction. Like so many, they had gotten into Tenchi through Toonami, but what would change everything, was this.

I couldn’t believe what I was reading, someone actually had it!

Instinctively, I reached out to Talos via PM to ascertain how to go about acquiring these tapes, and admittedly, to see how legit this claim actually was. Because the fact of the matter is, when you’ve been around Tenchi fandom as long as I have, you’ll quickly realize the best bullshitters in the world come from this fandom.

But Talos was more than the genuine article! They sent over pictures and an incredibly detailed analysis of the quality of their tapes, watching through them all again to prove to me that their claim was valid.

It can’t be said enough that this all would not be possible without Talos, their willingness to work with me and send me their own personal tapes that they’ve kept for almost two decades just goes to show how awesome they are and how much they care about the fandom.

So the deal was struck, and the dream that laid deferred for almost six years lived again.

- A time capsule from another era.

But with dreams from the past, come the demons that plagued them way back when. I still only had the setup I once had, and at this time I was really trying to be tight with my finances for a number of different reasons, but this opportunity was too good to pass up, I wasn’t going to let this dream go, even if it wasn’t perfect.

Talos’ tapes showed up, and I rolled up my sleeves.

So I put in the first tape, the first seven episodes of Tokyo, into the old VCR I used to originally rip the Pioneer tapes, a JVC HR-VP650U….

And static…

Or rather, a tape that would play for 3 seconds, then immediately drop to static.

This wouldn’t work.

I then tried my other VCR, a Sony SLV-N50 from the mid-to-late 90’s that I was able to “fix” by removing the old Android Kikaider tape that got stuck in there many years prior.

It worked!…..but…..not all that well.

While it did actually play the tape relatively smoothly, the colors were completely washed out in comparison to the JVC, and it had this weird color flickering that was particularly noticeable when black backgrounds were on screen. (This was not unique to this tape, it did it with everything I put in there.)

As much as it pained me, there was no way I was going to rip it with this setup.

So the hunt began for not just a replacement VCR, but one that was high quality and recommended among enthusiasts for digital transfer. Which meant research and long winding rabbit holes of non-answers and vagueness, and unfortunately, money.

Without a doubt, the de facto list of best VCRs for transferring comes from digitalFAQ.com. This list is not only informative but gives you a broad range of ones to look for in the event you can’t find an “elite” one. However, this list has also become the de facto list used by people who are hawking their sets on eBay to try and get every penny from enthusiasts and new-comers as possible.

After three frustrating weeks of losing bid wars on eBay, someone finally put up one of the good sets, the JVC SR-V10U. I quickly sent them what I thought was a reasonable but not bank-breaking offer….

And they accepted! The beast was finally mine.

Immediately upon unwrapping and testing it, the quality difference between what I had then and what I was looking at now was staggering. The SR-V10U had beautiful color, while having the incredible ability to stabilize the old tapes with its TBC (Time Base Corrector), as well as onboard Video Stabilization option. Combined with the ability to output video via the superior S-Video cable, I now had something that, despite its age and typical old VHS wear, was way better than I could have imagined.

Part 3: No Need for Nostalgia.

You’re probably thinking to yourself “Dagon, why go through the trouble? The OVA has a beautiful Blu-ray release, and Universe and Tokyo have pretty decent DVD releases. Why would you ever want to rip old VHS tapes of an inferior quality release that was in some cases censored?”

- The now famous Toonami “bikinis”.

Because this version of Tenchi Muyo! is a piece of history. Not only is it a piece of Tenchi history, but a piece of Toonami history as well. Being able to preserve this in the best quality possible is being able to point to future generations and say “This is why I’m here.”

For a lot of us it’s about taking us back to a simpler time, grade school, high school, university. Taking us back to a time before the internet was what it is today.

So now we can, after almost 20 years, re-watch the version of Tenchi Muyo! that brought so many of us joy and wonder.

#tenchiforum #tenchi muyo #toonami #toonami promo #cartoon network #tenchi universe #tenchi in tokyo #toonami tenchi muyo #anime nostalgia #90's anime #vhs #vhs anime

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overwatchspeaks · 5 years

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Rules & Guidelines update

Please take a moment of your time to read through the updated Rules & Guidelines page on our blog or under the cut here!

ABOUT OUR GROUP

OverwatchSpeaks is a semi-exclusive lightweight roleplay/ask blog hybrid group. We’re welcoming to roleplayers of all kinds, from veterans to first-timers, and our primary goal is to have fun together! Our members portray muses from the Overwatch franchise, aiming to create something new while following the base set for us by the original canon lore.

The group was established 07/21/2017 and has been active since with a lively, friendly community that we’re working hard to support to this day. Whether you’re already a member of our group or interested in joining us, please read the following rules carefully!

FOR OUR FOLLOWERS

Can I follow the Speaks blogs? Everyone is welcome to follow us! Whether you’re an indie roleplaying blog, a member of another group, or a blog from another fandom and brand altogether, our blogs are made for your enjoyment and we thrive on our interactions from you, so please don’t hesitate to click that follow-button!

Can I send asks to your members? Yes! Please do so! Our inboxes are always open for questions, prompts and proddings. You can send your own or join in on any ask meme shared by our members. Don’t be shy!

Can I reblog your threads? Yes - usually. When our characters are interacting in first person, bantering or sharing thoughts, you are welcome to reblog these and interact with us! However, if it’s a third-person paragraph style RP post, please don’t reblog it, as this can disrupt the ongoing interaction!

I’m a roleplaying blog for another character, can I still interact? Yes, but remember that only our group’s members are considered “canonical”. Therefore, if you are roleplaying Pharah on your own blog, remember that whatever happens between your character and our members won’t affect their storyline or relationships within our group and is automatically considered AU or non-canon.

Can I join your Discord server? Our Discord server is only for our group’s members. Sorry!

BEFORE JOINING

How do I apply to become a member? Please visit our Application page for the application outline and examples!

I’m on mobile and can’t access the page. Please use your browser to open our blog’s HTML version, or send us an ask off-anon so we can help you. (How did you open this page??)

Can I claim a Speaks URL for my character before applying? No! This makes it more difficult for our members to claim their urls if you are not selected to play your character. :(

How are applications processed? Our group will review your application, and once enough votes are gathered, we will let you know whether you are accepted into our group or not.

How/when will I know if my application has been reviewed? Our admins will contact you about the results of your application process once the group has voted on it. If you are accepted into our group, you will be able to claim your url and start building your blog as well as join our Discord server. Your url should be something along the lines of “characterspeaks” or “character-speaks”, but alternatives are sometimes used when the desired url is already taken. Your blog can be a main- or a sideblog depending on which you prefer.

How will I know if I’m a good fit for the group? Our group is welcoming to all kinds of roleplayers. You don’t have to have prior experience with roleplay to join us, but we are still selective and your application will do much better when you show us how dedicated, knowledgeable and passionate you are about portraying your chosen character. Make a good first impression!

We don’t tolerate any kind of hostility in our group, as this is supposed to be a fun, safe place for our members to interact and we want everyone to feel accepted and welcome here. While we expect a firm grasp of and a degree of loyalty to the Overwatch canon and lore from our members, we are welcoming to the variety of portrayals and ships our members bring with them and expect that no one should be discriminated against based on their preferences in our spaces. This goes doubly for the real life identities, orientations and other personal characteristics of our members. This is a discrimination and hate free zone for all races, beliefs, gender expressions, and sexual orientations. Discussion of difficult and triggering subjects such as politics and real life religions should be avoided completely.

ROLEPLAY IN OUR GROUP

What kind of content can I post on my Speaks blog? Anything relevant to your character! Think and blog as if you are your muse; reblog the kind of content they’d reblog on their blog, write out their thoughts, and interact with our other members in first person as your character would. You may also participate in paragraph style 3rd person roleplay as you please.

Do I have to stick to Overwatch lore? While we will always welcome headcanons and different perspectives, your character should begin as if they just stepped out of the game’s original story. Your character’s relationships and experiences should be approximately as stated in your character’s story prior to your involvement. However, from this point on, anything can happen! Just remember to make it believable and build up your relationships and character arc appropriately so that through everything, your character will still be recognizable as themselves. If you’re playing Mercy and want her to join Talon, we want to see her reasons and transformation first - not just her application!

Exceptions to this rule are different events and happenings in our group such as Halloween, when your character can go through temporary transformations and other changes.

Should I keep my blog family friendly? Yes. Our blogs aim to be safe for minor readers. Before posting your content, please consider whether you’d show it to your hypothetical 13-years-old sister first.

Can I roleplay with blogs outside of Speaks? Yes. If a follower interacts with you through asks or reblogs, you may interact with them the same as you would with our group’s members. However, if you are interacting with an in-character blog outside of our group, please remember that only developments within our group should affect your character - so, if in a thread with an outside blog your character married another character, in reality your character remains single in their story. You should preferably use an AU tag for these threads to keep them separate from your other threads.

How often should I be active on my blog? We have relaxed rules on activity, but you should always aim to be as active on your blog as you can! Even one-liners and in-character thought posts count for your activity. If there is very little or no activity on your blog over the period of three weeks, you’ll have to confirm with us that you’re still interested in your role and will be more active in the future.

GROUP ETIQUETTE

Post format guideline Write your posts in a manner that feels natural to your character, but please try to use proper grammar and don’t over-format your posts. They should be easy to read and easy to comprehend for all readers! It is also recommended that you trim longer threads; if you are unsure how, ask for help!

Ask meme guideline Always try to send an ask to the member of our group you’re reblogging an ask meme from! This will help to ensure that no one is left without asks and interactions. We’ve all been there; everyone reblogs your meme but nobody sends you an ask. It’s not a good feeling.

Behavior in group Our group aims to be a safe, fun environment for all our members and followers. Respect your fellow roleplayers and keep our spaces free of negativity and conflict. If a problem arises, don’t hesitate to involve the admins or moderators, and if at all possible, keep any confrontation and callouts out of our shared spaces like Discord and especially your character’s Speaks blog.

SPEAKS AND NSFW

Can I post NSFW content on my blog or in our Discord server? No. We try to keep our content loosely within the PG-13 rating, and no explicit sexual content or nudity should be posted anywhere in our spaces. If your character is in a relationship and the RP turns steamy, make use of fade to black!

I received a NSFW ask. What should I do with it? Delete it or, if you are of age of majority and have explicitly consented to NSFW asks, answer it in private. No NSFW asks should ever be published on our blogs.

I want to send a NSFW ask. Can I? Assume the answer is no, unless you’ve specifically asked for permission OR the inbox of the member you’re sending the ask to states that they accept NSFW asks. Never send NSFW asks to minors. Remember to turn off your anonymous. No NSFW asks will be published on the blogs.

RULEBREAKING AND CONSEQUENCES

I’ve broken a rule. What happens now? Our group has a strike system. When you break a rule either on your blog or in our Discord server, you will receive a strike. On your third strike, you will be removed from the group and banned from reapplying. If your behavior improves and you don’t break the rules again, your strike will wear off in three months. If you’ve received two strikes, you’ll be back to no strikes in six months. Try not to receive your third one.

For serious incidents, instant ban from the group is possible.

A follower is making me uncomfortable. What can I do? Firstly, block them. You can block anons, which will also prevent blogs from that IP address from contacting you regardless of if you’ve specifically blocked their urls. If you’re being harassed, you should warn other members of the specific blog in question so that they know to be wary.

Last resorts are turning off your anonymous asks or closing your inbox temporarily and sending a report to Tumblr staff about harassment.

#announcement #rules update

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rwbyconversations · 6 years

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Why has Adam proved controversial after Volume 6?

Fandom is a culture that is constantly changing. It’s a culture effectively built around self-sustaining itself through fanart, music videos, fanfiction and discussion theories about the content the fandom is built around to tide them over until the next big release. Taking the RWBY fandom for example, it’s a fandom that’s really only alive for less than two fifths of the average year, from October to January when the volume itself airs. The rest of the year, RWBY’s fandom has to keep itself afloat through self-generation of ideas and the sharing of the aforementioned means of content to tide people over until October comes back around and the season starts anew. Headcanons and fan theories become commonplace and can become exponentially more popular than ever intended thanks to the gap in seasons giving it time to form and gain weight as a theory before canon can prove it wrong.

What that long period of downtime means is that you can see previously loathed characters come back from the brink and gain a lot of fandom support and approval in the turn of a season. Or alternatively, popular characters can take a swan-dive in popularity, being reduced to joke status that they never recover from. People who swore up and down that “this character is trash and I don’t care what they do with them” suddenly next hiatus are on the other side of the trenches. One season can do a lot for a character in either direction is what I’m saying.

Because that’s what’s happened the past two years to Adam Taurus.

Adam after Volume 5 was a turbulent wreck of a character. Humiliated at the end of the season and forced to run with his tail between his legs, while his character lost much of the appeal that it had garnered over the prior four volumes, making him resemble a whiny child LARPing as a doomsday villain. It was a pathetic display for his character, one so infuriating it inspired me to begin writing analysis essays after a heated Discord discussion, and that essay struck a note with many of the people who read it and agreed with the contents therein, especially in regards to how much Haven damaged Adam’s threat factor. People simply weren’t scared of him appearing like they were prior to his smack from Blake, several comments even derisively writing off Blake and Yang’s rematch against Adam in advance because “they made him job before, they’ll do it again.”

And yet interestingly, within the span of a year, the tides partially turned. With Volume 6 Adam wasn’t widely derided as a joke anymore, but in spite of that, the discussion around him was just as heated as it was last year. Adam was still the core topic of the argument but now the battle lines had been redrawn thanks to his death in the climax of Volume 6. Now it’s become commonplace for RWBY’s discussion communities to deride many of the dime-a-dozen posts about Adam and his “wasted potential” that have been arriving nearly daily like reinforcements to batten at a wall. But why? What changed in just one year that changed the entire argument around Adam? Why are his fans and critics embroiled in a new war to enter the hiatus?

That’s what I’m trying to set out and accomplish in this essay. I am going to hopefully explain the primary reasons for why Adam is a controversial character following Volume 6, in particular why his fans are dissatisfied with the way his characterization was taken over the course of the show. Keep in m ind that parts of this essay touch on Adam’s abuse so if that’s a thing you’d rather not see, avoid going further.

1) Headcanons were proven wrong

No one likes being wrong. Just look at students who get fail grades in exams, they’re usually despondent. It’s never something you lose as you grow up, in fact, Being wrong just sucks, to put it bluntly.

Remember how I mentioned at the beginning that because of the content droughts fandoms experience, headcanons and theories can grow far further than anyone intended? Adam is an example of that happening for three years.

Adam’s first appearance was in the Black Trailer, released on March 22nd, 2013. He wouldn’t make a significant appearance in the show until Heroes and Monsters, the penultimate episode to Volume 3, released on February 6th of 2016. His only significant appearances between those two dates was a cameo in the Volume 2 finale and V3C7, Beginning of the End, released on January 2nd.

Adam’s initial appearance left much of his personality vague, barring that he was Blake’s superior, a stoic swordmaster and that he was fighting to liberate the Faunus from humanity with the full intent of taking a pound of flesh from humanity for what they’d done to the Faunus- to quote From Shadows:

From Shadows, we’ll descend upon the world, take back what you stole, from shadows, we’ll reclaim our destiny, set our future free.

As such, the mental image of Adam that the fandom was given had nearly three years in real life to set in stone, that he was Blake’s former mentor who had fallen into extremism and terror attacks. Some even suspected going off Oobleck and Blake’s interactions in Volume 2 that Adam would receive a redemption from his wicked ways to show as an example of how Blake would redeem the White Fang from its own muck-filled past, or that Adam would need to die in an alternate variant of that story to show how far down the dark path he’d gone. Tauradonna was even a fairly high-profile ship in the early days of the show, being on roughly the same level as Blake/Weiss.

The headcanons were only given further room to grow thanks to adaptations of the Black trailer and early RWBY not taking the time to more properly setup Adam’s true character, in particular the Shirow Miwa adaptation. Miwa’s version of the scene, or at least the localized version, was released across two chapters in April and May of 2016, with the full book getting a physical print in the West in August 2017. Adam in the Miwa adaptation is far more talkative than his canon counterpart and even makes several dry quips throughout the fight:

When they first see the AK-130 guards (”Looks like we’re doing this the hard way” in the trailer): “Looks like all the seats are taken Blake.”

When asked who they are (Adam doesn’t have a line here): “We’re thieves.”

Upon seeing the Spider Droid for the first time: “Tch! He’s one serious baggage clerk.”

Adam’s dialogue is also softened from his original dialogue to boot:

“Buy me some time!” “But-” “Do it!” instead now is “Blake, buy me some time.“ “But that’s-” “I just need a second.” Blake also gets to make a quip that “You know... You’re fairly high-maintenance.”

When Blake’s barrage ends, she says “I did all I could,” and Adam thanks her with “It was more than enough, get back.” All Adam says in the animated version of the scene is “Move!”

The manga makes a significant addition to the aftermath of the battle, where Blake chides Adam for the ambush being sloppy. Adam initially just smiles as “that’s what you’re here for,” before Blake quickly rebukes him, cutting the train car as she says that the White Fang “not lower itself to bloodshed.” The last we see of Adam in the manga is him standing on the train carriage, pondering to himself “You think this is wrong Blake?”

A similar change is And “Perfect. Move up to the next car, I’ll set the charges,” is now “There’s at least 5,000 cases. All right, let’s kill the engine.” “What about the crew?” Adam is silent and when Blake presses him for information, the Spider Droid attacks

Prior to the train attack there is a scene added by the Manga where Blake says that the Dust will be redistributed to Faunus in need. She asks Adam to confirm this and he looks back over his shoulder, lips parsed, and says “Of course.” However the next page has a black box of him saying “Don’t overthink it Blake.”

The point of this extended summary of the Black Trailer in Miwa’s adaptation is to show that even in adaptations of the trailer, RWBY didn’t do much to dissuade people from forming the headcanon that Adam was simply a fallen revolutionary. In fact the manga smooths out Adam’s rougher edges, making his dialogue less harsh and more sarcastic. Remember as well that these were initially released soon after Volume 3 wrapped and before the commentary confirmation of abuse, meaning that these gave Adam fans one last bit of material to bolster their ideas of what Adam was.

Obviously, all of these ideas and theories went out the window with Volume 3 Chapter 11 and the subsequent reveal by Miles and Kerry in Volume 3′s commentary track that Adam was in fact an abuser. A lot of his fans didn’t take to this reveal well, which I’ll return to in a future section of this essay, since in part it shot down all of their theories about Adam and made him an irredeemable monster. Adam’s potential redemption was destroyed the moment he slapped Blake.

It is telling that most of Adam’s more passionate fans are from the early generations of the RWBY fandom who were around since the early trailers, since there’s a sharp divide between those fans and the more common Adam fan reaction of “I like him in spite of the abuse or explicitly only work with AU stories where he isn’t as bad.” Again, no one really likes being wrong, especially when it means accepting you were wrong for nearly three years.

2) The abuser twist

Something that I’ve never liked about Adam’s turn as an abuser was how looking back at Volumes 1 and 2 for evidence of the twist in advance, it’s difficult to find anything concrete. I had this discussion on a server lately where looking at all of Volumes 1 and 2 along with 3′s first half, there was really only one agreed upon sign of abuse prior to V3 in Volume 2- Blake’s flinch when Yang goes to hug her in Burning the Candle. But the problem with that is that even this can be taken into a different context, as one of my friends pointed out. As she reminded the chat, Yang had already shoved Blake several times by that point in the conversation and Blake may have flinched instinctively when she saw Yang’s arms raise again.

Of course given the context of Adam’s abuse, Blake flinching may in fact have been foreshadowing, or it may have just been her instinctively preparing for another shove. We just don’t know, and that vagueness around Blake’s past and the abuse twist is partly why a lot of fans argue that the abuse twist was never planned in the early stages of the show and was an idea introduced during production. This is not a concept new to RWBY- Monty came up with the Maidens one day while working on Volume 3 after all- but it does mean that for sudden character turns like Adam’s abuse, the question will be raised of “was this always planned or was it just something you added as the story flowed along?”

Much of the cited evidence that Adam was planned to be an abuser from the early show is in a similarly murky place. Blake speaks of Adam in Volume 2 as a mentor (”I had a partner... more of a mentor actually”), Monty himself called Blake the “apprentice” in an interview after the Black trailer, and much of her subdued behavior compared to her more affectionate self seen in Volumes 5 and 6 can be simply explained as Blake keeping a low profile to avoid Faunus discrimination and the attention of the White Fang.

Even in Volume 3 Chapter 7- Adam’s last scene before Chapter 11 and the confirmation of his abuse- things are kept vague. Adam even sharply rebukes his Lieutenant when he offers to hunt Blake down following the Black Trailer, saying “Forget it.” Adam’s plan is to go to Mistral without a care for Blake, which goes against his obsessive behavior seen later in this very season.

Much of the evidence given for Adam’s abuse- him gaslighting Blake in the Adam short, Blake talking about him in Volumes 5 and 6 to Sun and Yang, his dialogue during the Volume 6 battle- is all retroactive evidence, which does not solve the initial problem of the initial seasons poorly setting up Adam’s turn. Much of the evidence for and against the twist is shady at best, and reaching at worst due to how vague the wording is around Adam. Blake only ever speaks of him as a partner or mentor, never belying a romantic connection outside of the volume 2 premiere with the drawing of him in her notebook. Certainly with the benefit of hindsight some may find evidence in Volumes 1 through 3, primarily that Blake is simply an unreliable narrator, but I still feel like the lack of clean foreshadowing to such a large part of Adam’s character it weakens the twist, and some of Adam’s fans remain bitter that his character underwent a drastic 180 out of relatively nowhere.

3) Simple preference

Being blunt, a lot of Adam’s fans just prefer the Adam shown in the early seasons to the one the show closed out on. This idea is often mocked by some that his fans just wanted to see a Vergil knockoff, but for some of Adam’s fans it just came down to wanting to see cool fights. After all, RWBY was built on the initial idea of well-designed characters having well-choreographed fights. The show advertised itself initially as “From the maker of Dead Fantasy and Haloid,” which to surmise, weren’t shows that lured people in for their narrative quality. Monty’s loyalist fans who followed from his freelance work and from Red Vs Blue followed for cool fights, and Adam’s fighting style and design made him an instant fan favorite. It has only been from Volume 3 onwards that the show has advertised itself more as a drama than an animation showcase, and as such some of Adam’s fans don’t care less for his character turn other than that it makes him whiny and edgy and they’d like to see him swing his sword a bit more.

While the idea of preferring Adam as a revolutionary over his Yandere self seen from V3 is also a mocked concept as it tends to be used by people less well-versed in expressing critique of Adam’s character and makes for a popular strawman tactic, a morally gray villain may have worked well for RWBY. Especially as Adam and Cinder both show in different ways that the series should stay away from villains with no redeeming qualities.

Though I suppose at least unlike Cinder, Adam actually has a backstory, so I should count my blessings.

To surmise, for some of Adam’s fans it was a purely physical love affair

4) Adam’s death and its connection to Bumblebee

Blake and Yang’s final confrontation with Adam in Volume 6 marks a significant step in their relationship, which means if you like Bumblebee then the emotional climax of the volume hits home for you. If you shipped literally anything else then at least the choreography was good, but if you didn’t ship Bumblebee and never liked the Adam abuser turn... hoo boy.

Being blunt, a fair few Bumblebee shippers don’t mind the abuser twist since in the long run, it helped their ship and gave Blake and Yang plenty of angst to work through both alone and as a pair. I’ve said before that Blake’s recovery arc made for some good content in Volumes 4 and 5 barring the Sun slaps, and Yang’s PTSD arc, while bare-bones in Volume 4, was some of the more consistently good material that year when shown. And as such, Adam being made a one-note psycho who wanted to kill Blake suited them well, as it gave a clear villain for Blake and Yang to overcome while developing past their respective traumas. The problem of course being, Adam’s fans not appreciating this turn and definitely not appreciating the names they were called when they expressed this dissatisfaction.

This led to a litany of hot takes- “Adam’s fans only cared for the show and the character as an outlet for a male power fantasy,” “Adam’s fans were entirely made of sexists who just hated women,” “Adam stans are abuse apologists.” (Like 40% of the Adam fans I know are actual abuse victims so fuck yourself on the front of trying to use their trauma as a low blow) And to be fair, Adam’s fans responded with their own disappointing share of bad takes involving the dreaded words “wasted potential,” alongside murder and nerfing, but I go over those later.

(also you know genuine homophobics but trying to avoid braindead reasoning here for my own sake)

Getting back on topic, I quite obviously detest this lumping in of all criticisms. For one it means that simply shipping something that isn’t Bumblebee and disliking the fight can get one labelled with accusations of homophobia. A disgusting tactic on its own, to say nothing of how some people use it just to deflect criticism. Liked Adam? Then you’re an abuse apologist now. It’s interesting to compare the response to Adam last year and this year, where suddenly the fandom went from dismissing Adam after Haven to suddenly being very insistent that his death was well done and that only bigots opposed it; a naturally insulting statement to any members of the LGBT community or racial minorities who took umbrage with the handling of the Faunus.

And speaking of, my largest gripe with Adam’s turn personally is how it overshadows his previous commitment to the Faunus. Even though Adam’s short shows him fighting for the Faunus, to the point where Lionized and From Shadows are both expressly about how the Faunus are subject to inhumane treatments, it all gets tossed aside for the sake of Adam’s obsession with Blake and I’ve always found the almost-retcon of “Adam only truly cared for his own equality” a bit.. hard to get a read on? Since the original reason for his fall was because of his rabid devotion to his cause/getting vengeance on humans. Adam in-setting had been prepped as a Malcolm X style analogue before most of these traits were pushed over to Sienna. I feel like there is a lot that could be said about how RWBY handles its racism narrative, especially when it pertains to Adam given his own placement in the narrative, but that such a thinkpiece would likely be hit with accusations of homophobia or abuse apologism likely curtails that idea in anyone’s head. Some voices in the fandom have even come forward and expressed their dissatisfaction at how the arc depicting racism got curtailed for a romance. Adam rather sadly could have been part of a cornerstone on a narrative about the natural consequences of violent extremism, but instead the writers went with a far shallower option in my opinion.

Also being blunt the whole “Adam was just a secondary character for Blake and Yang’s arcs” feels a bit like revisionism of weak writing.

5) Damaged goods

Adam lost a lot of fans thanks to Volume 5. You can argue about this all you want but the facts don’t change that the volume was overall one that shot his character in the leg. Alongside having him go completely bananas out of nowhere with the “THE BELLADONNA NAME HAS BROUGHT ME NOTHING BUT GRIEF” scene, Adam’s humiliating head smack from Blake that knocked him out for an entire episode and his Naruto run escape from the Battle. Put bluntly, people didn’t give a shit, especially after CRWBY’s own attitude was to mock Adam, further undermining any threat factor Adam was meant to have.

It’s quite obvious in hindsight that Adam’s short was made quickly, and was almost certainly damage control made to counter the backlash from the Battle of Haven episodes. Sienna’s inclusion has eve been admitted by Miles on RWBY Rewind to be done as pure fanservice for the fans who wanted more from her design, and it shows with how Sienna dominates the back half of the short. But the short’s nature as damage control, while ultimately well received, still marked it as a fix job for Haven. Even last year fans wondered what was the point of trying to hype Adam back up as a threatening villain given he would almost certainly lose any future battles he fought in.

Ultimately, a lot of people just didn’t care about Adam. The damage had been done by Haven, and even a lot of his own fans wrote off him being allowed to be even half as competent as his Volume 3 self again. With even his own fans having written off his chances of being a fearsome combatant again and the crew openly reviling Adam, not to mention his own voice actor despising him, a mood of “why should we care if the crew don’t?” began to settle in for Adam’s fans. Some even looked forward to his death since it would mean at least in death, Adam was free of being written as a psycho Yandere. For some of Adam’s fans, his writing had been so schizophrenic that death seemed like the only way forward instead of dragging it out.

6) “Wasted potential”

This is a point I don’t entirely agree with myself, but as this is an essay about why Adam has been controversial after Volume 6 I only feel it fair to include it, even if solely for the purposes of rebuttal. Wasted potential has become a set of dirty words to portions of the fandom thanks to the many, many, many arguments about Adam post-season.

A rather large complaint is that Adam “jobbed” for Blake and Yang, despite neither of them really having gained much experience onscreen since Beacon. I disagree with this notion since it does take some details out of consideration for this angle- B&Y were both tired from earlier fighting in the day, Blake was shocked to see Adam out of nowhere and that’s why he overwhelmed her, Adam still actually defeats Blake at Argus and it largely comes down to Yang to win the fight, and V5 had actually set up her changing her fighting style to better combat Adam’s own style.

One idea of potential for Adam that I will admit to liking is the idea of Adam as an ideological villain to Blake. Adam and Blake could have both represented the differing sides of the Faunus debate and how to achieve results, perhaps even going for a scenario where neither side was truly correct or wrong. Such a plot would have even had the benefit of tying the Faunus narrative into the wider stakes of the show while also humanizing it on a base level through their struggle. But at this point, this is becoming me wishing the show was something else. I’m sure a great fanfic could bloom from this idea in the future and I hope I get to see it one day.

There’s also the entire idea that Blake and Yang “murdered” (it was self-defense) Adam since apparently this is a big deal. I dunno fam, you just ignoring all those White Fang goons RWBY killed in V2 by leaving them in the tunnels? The ones they smacked around during V3? All those people Yang probably killed in the Yellow trailer? Now seems like a bit of an odd time to draw a line in the sand about the RWBY girls killing someone.

7) Conclusion

To conclude, there’s a lot of controversy surrounding Adam, and a lot that will surround his character for years. I feel like arguments around him will still be going by the end of the hiatus, if not for years to come. Adam has attracted a fandom from varying walks of life, but one thing I’ve noticed with some regularity is how many of of them themselves have histories with abuse. What unites a lot of them in their reasons for liking the character is the tragedy of how Adam is a person who has been persecuted then gained the power to bite back, but in his blind rage winds up lashing out at someone he is supposed to love. With permission, they let me share their accounts so I could put them here:

Be it purely visual/choreography appreciation, falling for fan theories and headcanons, his allusions to the Beast, the mystery of his mask and later branding, his potential as an ideological rival for Blake or for personal reasons, Adam gained a fan following from all walks of life over the past six years, who may not have learned everything they wanted to about him but who wanted to learn more regardless. Even if they only liked him just to watch him fight, Adam has a small if passionate fanbase, and I hope I’ve explained some of their grievances with the show as a whole now, particularly following Volume 6. Adam might have been a scumbag, but ironically his fandom has actually been quite pleasant to talk to, so I hope I’ve presented their more accurate or personal issues in a fair light.

Thank you for reading. Please consider sharing the post around if you enjoyed it or think someone you know would.

#rwby #adam taurus #blake belladonna #yang xiao long #rwde #Sienna Khan #fandom #rwby analysis #fandom analysis #rwby critical #shirow miwa #rwby shirow miwa manga #from shadows #lionized

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justine-the-guillotine · 5 years

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Hey there! I saw your post (about Mystic Code) on LucyDream's tumblr. Love how you're in your 30's but still playing otome games! I'm the same, but I'm in this world just recently. Can you make a list with your favorite visual novels and otome games? I love those ones with a more mature MC. I mean your can be cute/fun and still be sassy/adult hehe I miss it sometimes...

Okay Anon first of all I’m trash because I told you I would have this out the day you asked it and I totally didn’t so I’m sorry I don’t even know if you’re going to see this. 😩 But you need to know that THIS IS MY MOST FAVORITE QUESTION I HAVE EVER BEEN ASKED AND I LOVE YOU A LOT.

Anyway, I have a lot to say about this and here’s what I’m gonna say first - there’s a lot of layers to this question so let me just... write a novel.

Important Note #1: I don’t know that you necessarily want to consider me some kind of expert on otoge with adult MCs. My favorite VN of all time is not an otome game and it is also not with a “mature MC”... you play as a 16-year old boy in Fate/Stay Night. But it’s such a good VN, if you can find it I totally recommend it. I will rave about it for DAYS so if you also want an essay about that please let me know.

Important Note #2: Some little, technical things... - there is a difference between “mature MC” and “older MC” so I’m gonna kinda do a mix of both... but also going to include “older suitors” or “suitors with no canon age” in this criteria as well. - I prefer PC games to mobile games but play mobile more often due to convenience... -I own a lot of games that I’m super interested in and have actually never gotten around to playing because I have both a time management problem and a shopping problem. So there are probably some even better choices than what I’m about to list from personal experience and maybe I’ll just come back and update this in a few months. Moving on... Here are my current top favorite VNs (otoge or not): 1. Fate/Stay Night (PC) 2. When the Night Comes (PC) 3. The Arcana (Mobile) 4. Amnesia (PC and Mobile) 5. Mystic Code (Mobile) My favorite mobile VNs: I’m gonna tell you right now this list is gonna change on July 1st when Ikemen Vampire comes out... watch that immediately jump to the #2 spot but as of right now I haven’t played it so I can’t do that. 1. The Arcana 2. Ikemen Revolution 3. Mystic Code 4. Mystic Messenger (this is iffy to call this a VN in my opinion but VNDB lists it so I’m going go with it) 5. Mysterious Forum and 7 Rumors My favorite PC VNs (otoge or not): This list is a big oof to be honest because there are so many games I am really interested in but haven’t yet played. For example, I have 20+ unplayed games in my Steam library right now. 1. Fate/Stay Night 2. When the Night Comes 3. Amnesia: Memories 4. Higurashi no Naku Koro ni 5. Cinderella Phenomenon Now those are my favorites, but here instead are my actual recommendations for you personally Anon: Recommendations for VNs with a More Mature MC: 1. When the Night Comes (PC, Free to Play) I absolutely adore this VN. It is the best otoge/dating sim I have ever played (thus far). But that’s because it caters to a lot of my interests - it’s definitely not going to hit the mark for everyone! The MC has no canon age or gender. You can date a human, witches, a vampire, a Lycan, and a demon. There are even two route options for poly romance. THE WRITING IS PHENOMENAL. I mean the story is great, yes, but THE FUCKING LANGUAGE is totally everything I love. It is very snarky, witty, and British. Swearing in places one would swear in real life. Sarcastic, “roll my eyes at myself” jokes that one would make in real life. Things are dark but with a sliver of hope. MC is a fucking badass and very much a mature adult. It’s currently being updated monthly (chapter 8 comes out tomorrow - 6/29) so we only have two more months left and then we’re done :( 2. The Arcana (Mobile, Free to Play, with Premium Options) Please be cautious when interacting with this fandom, especially right now. But besides that warning, The Arcana is amazing. It is also currently still updating. But the MC again has no canon age nor gender. And as a plus, as far as I am aware, the suitors do not have canon ages as well. I wish all games would have no canon suitor ages but I digress. The story sorta starts as a murder mystery but evolves into something much more. It is magical. It incorporates tarot so well. The art is absolutely gorgeous. The MC is not at all helpless and definitely holds their own.

3. Cinderella Phenomenon (PC, Free to Play) Okay so MC in this one is NOT an adult. She’s 17, I believe. But she’s a bitch and I love her. I genuinely love the plot of this VN. The art is very pretty - very art nouveau. If you like twists on fairy tails, some snark, and a story of... uh, learning how to be less of a bitch ... this one is a great play!

4. Mystic Code (Mobile, Free to Play, with Premium Options) I’m not gonna elaborate on this here since Anon already knows about it but I want to remind people reading this that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS VN... I believe it is the best game to come out on mobile thus far this year. 5. Love Tangle in the Niflheim+ (Mobile, Free to Play with Premium Options, Abandoned) So... normally I would never recommend a Shall We Date game as a top choice, however, this game is SWD’s only exception. It, of course, has the god awful mechanics that all SWD games have, which could make it a bit annoying to play. This game has also unfortunately been abandoned by SWD so there are NO updates to it. Luckily, all the routes (save for one, I’m pretty sure they were planning to release Sunny’s route prior to abandoning) are out and in full. MC has no canon age and it doesn’t matter because she’s fucking dead. Your suitors are also dead. This is the best premise of a fucking story I have ever seen. As with most SWD games, the writing is a hit or a miss depending on the route, but the MC is mature and strong-willed - never helpless. (One thing I will give SWD is they tend to write their MCs with a bit of *bite* in them.) The writing has some well-timed comedic moments so it definitely keeps you entertained!! I originally started playing just for the novelty of it but I actually genuinely love it. Plus MC has the best hair of all the MCs I have ever seen.

Additionally, I recommend both Ikemen Sengoku and Ikemen Revolution (Mobile, FTP w/ Premium Options). The MC usually has her shit together although she does have her moments of “oh no baby what is you doing?” And in both games, she’s a young adult, not anywhere near 30 but I still find I have no problem self-inserting. Other games: - Hustle Cat (PC, $) - I have yet to play, but it was recommended to me by two people I trust when it comes to these types of games. It seems to be geared toward adults and as far as I am aware, MC is customizable in not only pronouns but build as well. - Mr. Love Queen’s Choice (Mobile, mostly FTP) - I do play this and I enjoy it. I wouldn’t really recommend it for a “mature” MC (even though she is a young adult who runs a company), but I mod a MLQC discord server and noticed a lot of our members are in the late 20s-30s. So obviously this game appeals to an “older” market (har har, I just mean “older” than 21). It’s a VN at its core, but it’s got so much extra shit going on that it can be overwhelming unless you like those sort of games. The story part of it is really, really good. And the MC gets equal time with all the suitors (instead of specifically just choosing one route to date). - Food Fantasy (Mobile, mostly FTP) - this isn’t a VN and I don’t think it’s technically an otoge either- it’s a JRPG- but oh my goodness the art is fucking gorgeous, and the backstory that sets up the game is WILD, dark, and deep. It blew my mind. It’s cute! So I had to throw it in here in case you were looking for something fun. :) And finally, VNs on my “To-Play” List: - Ikemen Vampire (Mobile) - this is coming out in just a few days and I have been waiting for 8 months, so I’m super stoked! - Psychedelica of the Black Butterfly (PC and Vita, $) - The House in Fata Morgana (PC, $) - Clannad (PC, $$) - Tokyo Debunker (Mobile) - as far as I know there’s no official release date yet, unfortunately! :( Anyway please message me more if you have any more questions or want to know anything else, I love this shit thank you!!! Depending on the question I’ll try not to write a thesis paper next time :[

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shanced-wedding-blog · 5 years

Text

Special Update

Hello everyone, this is Mod Sky

Just wanted to address some issues and concerns that have arisen in regards to the zine as of late and to finally clarify what has been going on regarding production of the zine.

First I would like to address a recent comment we received on one of the last updates. While I understand that it has been quite a while since the zine opened pre orders and some of you are reasonably becoming frustrated with the waiting time, cussing us out and using vulgar language to address your issues with us is in no way an acceptable form of proceeding.

That said, I would like to apologize for making you feel like we’re not prioritizing the zine buyers here.

Now, the rest of the mods and myself weren’t planning on making this public at least until the zines had been out to the buyers, but we’ve talked and come to realize that it is probably for the best that everyone knows what’s been going on behind the scenes of this project.

As most of you know, when we started this project there was a call from the head organizer for mods. I don’t know about the other mods, but I personally talked to the head organizer a few times inquiring about the zine, what their ideas for the project were and of their experience with running a zine. They assured me they knew what they were doing and already had a plan laid out for how to get the project done. They told me they had experience modding other zines and I decided to trust them. I applied to help mod the zine because I wanted Shance fandom to have a beautiful zine we all could be proud of, because most of the Shance projects I had been involved in in the past had fallen through the cracks due to mod irresponsibility. I wanted to help bring this project to life and do everything I could to make it succeed. It’s what I’ve been doing from the start.

Well, the mod team was chosen and from the start we were pretty much given a role in the team. My role, when the time came, was to be in charge of finances of the zine, whatever that entailed. The head organizer gave all of us certain responsibilities and we all met in discord to discuss the project.

Now. Im not going to make any excuses for myself as I should have known better, but almost from the moment we started talking about actual specs of the zine and what extra things we wanted to offer, it should've been clear to me that the head organizer wanted to do too much.

They wanted to have 60+ contributors, they wanted to have music done for the zine, they wanted a lot of extra merch to go with bundles etc. At the time this was going on I was in the middle of producing my own personal zine, so I'm ashamed to say I wasn't paying a lot of attention to the planning of this zine, and not gonna lie, this is one of the things that’s ended up coming to bite me and the rest of the mod team in the ass.

Well, in the end head mod came with a plan, they apparently already had suppliers in mind and had been doing research on where to have things made and how much it would cost. We went along with it and contributor applications opened. The process seemed to be going smooth, we selected contributors and at the time I didn't realize just how big of an undertaking it would be to have so many contributors, I had my concerns with certain aspects of the zine but I felt like it wasn’t my place to say anything because it wasn’t my project and my role in the zine was to oversee the money once pre orders opened.

Creation time went by and everyone was involved, contributors did an amazing job coming up with stories and art that basically molded the zine into a cohesive book. As we got closer to opening pre orders and putting together the zine for printing, that's when problems started to show, beginning with the fact that the head organizer became scarcer and scarcer and the rest of the mod team were left grasping at straws trying to answer questions the contributors had that only the head mod could give an answer to. The excuse was that they were having computer problems so they couldn’t check in on things as much. This was the first red flag and we should’ve paid more attention, but we didn’t. We continued to move on and soon it was time for preorders to open.

Yaxi, the head organizer, opened pre orders prior to us having the zine even 1% put together. They made up some stretch goals trying to fit in as much as the extra merch they had people design for the zine as possible and added the contributor merch as an extra that zine contributors could choose to buy. The contributor charm was not going to be made from money from the zine sales. It was simply an extra design up to the contributors to make happen if they wanted it.

After the pre order period ended and having reached 100 sales, it was time to come up with a budget and proceed with production. Well… this was when pretty much everything went downhill. Yaxi came into the mod chat one day and pretty much dumped the production on me. They sent me some numbers and a list of providers they had come up with and said that they needed me to place the orders for the merch, of which there were no files ready. We had raw files for products but nothing has been checked to make sure the specs for printing were correct. As I was coming up with a production cost table I realized that there were many things Yaxi hadn’t taking into consideration when they first made their plan for the zine. They never took into consideration shipping prices, packaging costs, contributor copies shipping fees, and to make matters worse, they didn't take into consideration the amount of money it would take for certain items to be shipped from their production place to two separate destinations, because somewhere along the way Yaxi had decided that in order to offer cheaper international shipping, we would have all the international orders sent to Mod Robin in Europe so they could then redistribute because that would make shipping internationally cheaper.

I mean, i guess in theory that sounded like solid logic, but in practice.. I suppose they never stopped to think that there would still be an added cost of sending all those packages from the US to Europe, so there’s that.

Anyway I did my best to look for new manufactures because the ones Yaxi had on their list could not deliver what we needed, not to mention the fact that the specs Yaxi had given artists of the zine for their pieces were not a standard printing zine. So not only did we have to look for new printing companies, but we had to ask all our artist to adjust their pieces to fit the new dimensions of the zine. Added to that, at this point in time, communication with Yaxi had pretty much become impossible as they were never on the discord server and the only communication we had with them was via text messages from me to them since I had gotten her phone number at some point to meet up so I could deliver to them the special print I had made out of my own money for the zine. We ended up never meeting up.

So with all that going on, we still had not made much progress putting the zine together until Seki (one of our contributors) offered to help with it. We brough Seki along into the team and they worked several days on getting the zine print ready, and also making a digital zine that could be delivered the way Yaxi had originally wanted it to, that is with the music that was created for the zine incorporated into it.

While this was happening, the rest of the mod team and myself got together in a separate group chat to talk about what was to be done about Yaxi, their lack of participation, and the fact that they were the only ones that had access to the money for the zine and to the store front. We decided to ask Yaxi to hand over the money so we could move on with production and just go from there. Thankfully Yaxi was quick to give us access to the funds, they transferred most of the money to me, (we have yet to receive about 200.00USD), and basically the rest most of you already know. We’ve been slowly working on getting all the merch produced and ready to send to everyone, but there have been a few hiccups on the way.

We’re still not sure that we’re not going to have to put even more of our own money into the zine as we’re still pretty much figuring out what we’re going to do about shipping since not only are we sending contributor copies free of charge, but also sending all international orders to Europe first to be distributed from there.

It has never been our intention to keep any of you in the dark about any of this, but we wanted to first get the project completed before making any of this public. None of us in the mod team wanted for you to have to wait so long, unfortunately none of us were any wiser in realizing just how unprepared and irresponsible the main organizer really was. We are to blame for not seeing the red flags sooner and dealing with the issues before they became a problem. I especially would like to apologize because I should’ve known better. But what’s done is done and the only thing I can say besides how sorry I am that you, our buyers and supporters, have had to wait so long for this zine, is that myself and the rest of the mod team are doing everything we can to get this zine to your hands without any further mishaps.

I understand if you're frustrated with us, I understand because I’ve been frustrated and stressed over this whole thing for months as well.

None of us are getting paid for this, none of us are receiving any compensation out of trying to run and complete this project. In fact, we’re still most likely gonna have to put money down out of our own pockets due to the irresponsibility of the person who was supposed to be in charge of this project. But we love this project, we love our contributors and what everyone has managed to accomplish, and you can be certain that we are 100% committed to seeing this project to a successful end.

Once again, I am sorry for not seeing the problems sooner and for not stepping forward before to let all of you know what was happening. I hope this clarifies what’s been going on for you and I hope that you can give us the chance to set things straight and deliver the project to you.

If you have any more questions, or need more clarification regarding the zine, my DMs on twitter are always open (@enderkichi) so feel free to reach out to me.

Production of the zine is still ongoing but we’re almost at completion. We should be releasing a change of address form pretty soon for those who need to change their shipping address. Refunds are also an option if you no longer want to support the project, but we ask that you please let us know if you want to be refunded via email to the zine account: [email protected] and provide us with your name, email, and order # so we can process your refund.

Thank you again for the endless patience you’ve had with us so far and for being understanding of our circumstances. We will keep you all updated as we finalize production and get ready to start packing and shipping orders.

Mod Sky

#update #PSA #shance wedding zine #vld zine

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