#then tells me not to do major surgeries or misgenders me

[saltylenpai]

any yall got fake woke parents who pretend to be allies or whatever but spend all their time disrespecting ur identity and mental illnesses ect ect

[genderkoolaid]

Sending this as an ask so I don’t derail the post, but I’m a trans man who’s been on T for about 8 months and I have the beginnings of a beard and a small mustache and my voice is quite deep. However, while I do “pass” most of the time in the sense that people degender rather than misgender when they use gendered language with me AND whenever I don’t “pass” it’s because of my massive fucking tits that I can’t bind well which guess fucking what it’s an effect of my natural E that T won’t get rid of so I can’t help but get a bit mad when people act like we don’t also have things our HRT can’t change

Tbh I almost feel like the idea that estrogen is a hormone that "barely does anything" and doesn't permanently change your body in any way is... almost misogynistic? Its just very weird to hear people talk about how estrogen puberty doesn't have any major impacts. Tell that to my huge fucking hips and 5'2 body.

I've heard of people who have top and bottom surgery who still get she/her'd. Once again the narrative around trans men & passing prioritizes men who are lucky enough to have steady access to T and other medical needs and lucky enough to be able to naturally pass well.

[patricide1885]

I woke up from trans surgeries twice now to being misgendered by the nurse staff, I am stealth, I look male, all my documents say male, and again, these are literally trans surgeries, so it feels kinda intentional, especially when the nurses don't care when I ask them not to do that, so I told my new revision surgeon to ask the nurse staff not to do that and you could hear in his voice that he was anxious like "I'll tell them multiple times, I can't control what happens though" etc. Often when you are just asking to be respected as a trans person you can hear the fear in their voice of making a mistake or whatever, when its so unnecessary, I'm not looking for people to make a mistake lol. Again, I look like a man, if I'm being misgendered it's only because they know I'm trans from my chart and it's intentional, because no one misgenders me in my day to day life. It's not an easy mistake to make. Also they were only doing it when i was incapacitated, not in my appointments, not before my surgery, only when I'm waking up from surgery. How is that not intentional?

Hearing that anxiety from people gives me anxiety because I have learned that when anxiety, fear, and guilt are involved, resentment isn't far behind. Which is another reason that I'm glad that I'm stealth because I can circumvent that entire dance the majority of the time, except in a medical care situation.

[haveyoureadthistransbook]

I want to read Manhut. I saw Jesse Gender's video about it and it sounds like a fantastic spin on zombie horror and I have the stomach for a lot of what is warned about it... but some of the excerpts from the trans protagonist she read chilled me to the core because I sometimes see my unaltered amab self as a bit of a monster (much like TERFs would describe me) and some of the passages really hit that nerve hard. at risk of mild spoilers, can you at least tell me if the book offers some semblance of hope or sense that the pain and discomfort of the experience will be worth getting to the end? I really do want to dig into horror fiction with a trans twist but I would really rather not enter hopeless escapism when reality is already so bleak

I personally really enjoyed the story, because I felt that despite all the bleakness and horror there is there is also care and love and hope for a better future and a loving community. But it is very, very bleak and upsetting at points and self-hatred/dysphoria/dysmorphia play a huge role.

I will delve a bit deeper into the story under the cut, warning for spoilers and a general discussion of the ending (without major spoilers, just the vibes):

There are three trans protagonists in the novel (and two cis ones). Two are trans women without bottom surgery (mentioned because it influences how they treat themselves and how other people treat them), one is a trans man that's not on hormones. It is an apocalypse that heavily focusses on the body and so dysphoria is a near constant companion. One of the trans woman is built bigger with muscles and unable to achieve passing and gets referred to as a brick/treated like a man repeatedly by others in the story and her headspace is quite bad at times. Her story is heartbreaking and a lot of really bad shit happens to her, BUT she was my favorite character and it is clear that the author really loves her too. The other trans woman is smaller and can pass, obviously still faces prejudice, but in a very different way. The trans man also gets repeatedly misgendered and infantalized. What was also really hard to read is that there is a fat disabled caracter and her chapters are very heavily filled with a lot of hatred for her own body in a way that none of the thin abled characters experience. In general it can be hard to handle the self hatred of the characters at parts, especially when you are in their POVs and that is something you need to prepare for. The dysphoria also focusses specifically on certain body parts at times, particularly built/height/shoulders/face shape, so that is something to be prepared for.

It is definitely not an easy story to handle. To me it was hard but worth it, but I also enjoyed the gore and horror of the story. It is definitely one of the more brutal horror books I've read in recent times, but I found the ending to be fulfilling, fitting and hopeful.

[kyouka-supremacy]

Nb Atsushi anon here and trans Akutagawa x enby Atsushi,,, brilliant.

Akutagawa is the type of guy to stab anyone who misgenders him whilst Atsushi just insults people instead. Dazai will 100% claim to have taught them both that trying to look like a good ally. Akutagawa has to physically stop Atsushi from punting him into the sun each time

"I did not struggle YEARS with my gender identity for you to go claiming you helped me out. I've known you for a MONTH"

"But I did help out, didn't I? I'd correct people on calling you a boy :("

"I did that?? Myself???" <- gets unsure the longer it goes on until Kunikida is telling Dazai off

"I did Akutagawa's surgeries so I know what I'm talking about actually dearest Atsushi" <- 'physical abuse = surgery' and Yosano would probably be proud of that in some manner

Sskk by default already needs the two of them to grow together but with t4t there's an extra layer of common ground for them that's just as emotional and requires careful maneuvering. I wish I could think of more but I don't have any real sskk brainrot yet unfortunately

Love the idea of transfem Sigma too and please can they catch a break. Asagiri what the fuck. Please. What did Sigma ever do to you whilst you were creating them.

Now an extra added reason as to why they love the casino so much is because transitioning is extremely expensive </3

Sigma whenever they're judged for anything: "God forbid a woman do anything >:("

The ADA, unfolding the entire DOA coin terrorism thing, severely done with everyone's bullshit:

Yeah everything you said!!! It's fun you brought Dazai up because I literally headcanon that one of the three reasons Akutagawa took Dazai's offer to join the pm was specifically being able to transition. Trans Akutagawa is so real to me, please know that every time I'm talking about Akutagawa I'm always considering him trans.

Regarding Atsushi, someone would call him “catboy” and he'd be like “neither, actually”. I've always thought that Atsushi's “not a cat” thing sounds a lot like The Good Place Janet “not a girl” gag, and that itself has major nb swag.

I'm really starting to love transfem Sigma!!!!! In the way “so much has been going on, but as soon as things calm down you can bet transitioning is like, my number one priority” but ALSO what you said about them owning a casino is so spot on!!!! I feel like she'd be a fabulous casino owner, that's where she belongs.

[bibookmerm]

wow, okay. (nerves, having a scary convo with parents today, bad dream)

Today, my cousin will drive me up to my parents house so I can tell them I'm having top surgery.

My expectation is they will take this POORLY. My reasoning for telling them vs. not is it's a courtesy to let them know I am undergoing a major surgery. I feel I owe them that much. And, as I told my roommate, "keeping huge secrets makes me want to die." The stress of hiding shit eats me up too much.

I am also BAD AT LYING. Unless it's something small and innocuous. shit like back in high school I would say "no, I don't have much homework" NOT "wdym of course I still have tits."

.

So I dreamt last night that I was at their house with my wife C instead of my cousin S. (in reality, my wife works nights, she won't be there.) My mom misgendered me and I held my tongue. I went to the bathroom and saw the bath tub was full of bloody water (cool. great. /s) Next thing i knew my wife and i were going to bed in my childhood bedroom, staying the night, and I never had the talk with my parents. I started crying and said I let my cousin down. I checked my phone in the dream and I had never even called or texted S to let her know C was driving me instead. :( dream!wife was reassuring like she would be in real life. which was the one bright spot.

.

So. Idk, y'all. Any time I have A Talk like this with my parents, they get angry and sad, or they disengage entirely and try very hard not to talk about the subject. Just mutter something defensive and avoid looking at me. They did that when all I did was ask them to call me he/him pronouns. They are both very uneasy with my transness.

Whatever they say (or avoid saying), my cousin is there for moral support and to drive the getaway car if necessary. I'm telling them on my own terms. I have imagined everything they could say a hundred times before now. Finally, I'll get some peace of mind and KNOW what they say.

I'm glad I woke up from that dream and I get to say no more hiding, I'm doing this. On some level this feels UNSAFE, but my parents haven't physically hurt/endangered me before and are very unlikely to tonight. They may yell at me, guilt trip me, try to convince me to cancel the surgery, but that's it. It will fuck me up emotionally, but I can handle it. And, again, escape route is planned, just in case. Wish me luck. ☆

[sentientgolfball]

Someone a few days ago asked me why I don’t correct people when they misgender me and I’ve been thinking it about it nonstop so im gonna put all my thoughts under the cut. This isn’t like a vent btw it’s more like a…collecting my thoughts all in one place

I am openly nonbinary in my daily life…for the most part. I’m out to all my friends, I have a little pronouns pin on my bag, my preferred name and pronouns are on my school ID and when asked i introduced myself with my pronouns

But I won’t correct people. I won’t tell people either unless we get closer or I’m asked. Because I’m afraid. It has nothing to do with where I’m at, actually the school I go to is literally the most progressive school in my state. I feel genuinely safe here.

It’s because of where I came from. The Midwest is already touch and go, but coming from a small town in the middle of a cornfield? Yea it wasn’t good. I used to have a little pride flag wallet on my keychain and then I got followed home by multiple trucks after making a quick stop at Walmart. I got a new wallet the next day. I was 17 when that happened. I was one of the quiet kids in school and I listened to everything around me. I heard a lot of things that made me feel unsafe. I remember one of my teachers had us debate the ethics of allowing trans people in sports and only 3 people argued for trans athletes myself included. It sucked.

But now I’m here. I’m on the opposite side of my state in this is very open and very supportive community. Granted all it takes is about a 10-15 minute drive to be back in that territory but for a majority of my time I’m in an environment where I’m not 1 of 5 trans kid but 1 of hundreds. I know I’m safe. I know I’m not the only trans person my professors or coworkers have met.

I am still afraid. I’m afraid I’ll lose my job. I know this isn’t true because one of my coworkers is an openly trans woman. I’m afraid I’ll be followed home again.

And then I’m asked “why don’t you correct people?” It was actually my coworker who asked me this. I’m not upset with her, I told her she could ask whatever she wanted and I was happy to answer for her. It’s just…put a lot of things into perspective I hadn’t really thought about.

This year specifically for some reason I've also been thinking a lot about my gender. Tried a few different pronouns, got my first binder, realized I get top surgery and start T one day. Yet that one question for just a moment made me question everything. Made me stop and go "am I really nonbinary because I don't correct people?"

And I thought to myself "no that's silly" because if one of my friends ever purposefully misgendered me for no reason other than to not out me I'd feel wrong. Itchy. Because for a brief moment I considered using he/they pronouns and it just felt so wrong to be he. I am not a he or a she, I am a me. And idk that was really weird for me because I've never had that moment before. Granted I was never really in the space to explore my identity before but now that I have steady meals and my own little space my brain has been able to ponder.

I've been thinking about legally changing my name, but once again I am afraid. Doing it when I turn 21 in November would be easiest because I have to renew my ID anyways, but that means looking my parents in the eye and explaining. That would mean telling all my old lady coworkers at home why. That would mean telling my boss here why. And that scares me so much. Because once I do they'll look at me differently. But it would make my life so easy to be able to change my name before I graduate. Because then I can go into my career field as Rain and not [redacted]. Granted as a teacher I'll just be referred to by my last name 90% of the time which tbh is somehow worse than redacted?? Explain that one to me.

Idk this is a very long ramble that pretty much sums up to be I am nonbinary and I love being nonbinary but man is the brain a funky place.

[defilerwyrm]

Hi! I (she/her, 20s) normally don’t do asks, but I saw your pinned post and wanted to ask about your experience. My husband is a trans man, early in transition, and he’s been researching the various surgeries and treatments for him. Is there anything he should be aware of, any tips about the social or medical side, any encouragement you could offer him? I find it especially hard to help him deal with his dysphoria because as much as I want to understand I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it and say the right things. Sorry if this is vague :(

Hi there! I’m gonna jump around a bit here, and this is gonna be long, so I’m gonna put it under a cut.

An important thing to know is that up until such time as he is in the OR getting anesthetized, he doesn’t have to be 100% certain what he wants. There are plenty of options, and all of them have their pros and cons. A good surgeon can do a plethora of configurations to suit what your hubby needs and wants. There are some things that do have to go together (what comes to mind is that if you get phalloplasty with urethral lengthening, it’s going to require a vaginectomy as well), but for the most part, bottom surgeries for AFAB people are pretty modular. I recommend checking out www.cranects.com for more info on that.

On the social aspect: things are awkward when you first start transition, but it gets a LOT easier. If he’s going on T, once he starts growing facial hair and his voice drops, he’ll get misgendered a lot less often, at least among folks who either hear him or see his face at the start of the interaction.

Transphobes LOVE to bang on about public restrooms, but honestly, my experience is that cis men operate by a golden rule when it comes to public restrooms: mind your own business. All he has to do is act like he belongs there and even if some guys double-take, the vast majority are just going to keep their eyes to themselves.

Also, if it makes him feel any better, there are literally millions of cis men who sit to pee. I’m given to understand that in the Muslim faith, it’s considered spiritually unclean to get urine on your clothes, so if a Muslim man is in a position where sitting is going to have a lesser chance of that happening, he’ll damn well sit. I think this mostly applies when the men in question are wearing flowing things like a kandura, but still. (Source: my former manager, a married Black Muslim cis woman.)

When it comes to dealing with dysphoria, that’s going to depend mostly on what trips it for him. It might be the use of certain words for his bits & bobs, might be certain sex acts, might be expectations of certain sex acts, might be clothing, might just be any reminder that the body he has isn’t the body he feels he should have, or a number of other things. It might be a hard conversation, but I reckon if you’re married you should be at a point in your relationship where you can have a difficult conversation in an open and supportive manner. Bear in mind that dysphoria triggers can change over time, so try to impress on him that if something wallops him upside the head, he can talk to you about it.

If he doesn’t already have a masc wardrobe: take him shopping! Save up some money to set aside for new clothing that gives him that good ol’ gender euphoria, and go hit the men’s section. Most men’s fashion isn’t exactly what I’d call exciting, but sometimes that’s not the point, and patterns can make up for the sameness that plagues menswear.

I think the best way I can explain gender dysphoria in a transphobic world is this: imagine for a moment your knees are on backwards. Things don’t fit right, nothing feels right, there’s a sense of deep-seated wrongness plaguing your every move—but everyone around you is telling you that that’s the way YOUR legs are meant to be and you should be happy with them the way they are rather than trying to change them. And maybe with years of treatment, including some really pricy surgeries you’ll have to prove to multiple medical professionals and your insurance and probably at least one judge that you need, you can get your knees turned MOST of the way around, but you’re gonna be walking real funny for a while between here and there.

Transition doesn’t always cure dysphoria per se, but for those of us with it, transition is the best possible option. It stands a pretty damn good chance of drastically improving his life—and probably yours, since married life is a lot easier with a happy spouse! But just like if you break your spine and have to go through physical therapy to regain the ability to walk, it takes time and work and expense to get there—and just like going through physical therapy, it is WORTH IT.

For a personal anecdote, I spent several years in a state of 24/7 depersonalization. I existed a few inches up and to the right of my body at all times. Things happened to my body before they happened to me. It became a comfortable space, because being seated in my meat was extraordinarily uncomfortable, but boy it was not a healthy one. I remember one afternoon at work something slammed me back into my body and I kinda freaked the fuck out about it because it felt GODAWFUL—painfully aware that I was a consciousness swimming in a soup of electrified fatty matter piloting a puppet made of meat and bone and SO many fluids dangling from the seat of my awareness, jfc it was horrible.

After the first week post-op from top surgery (because for the first week I wasn’t really awake for more than 15-30 minutes at a time), I realized…that was GONE. I was fully seated in my body, full-time, and…it was okay. I missed that comfortable space terribly for a long time, especially since I still had REALLY bad bottom dysphoria, but I was okay. It was, pun intended, a big weight off my chest. I could actually touch my chest and it didn’t feel vile, too.

And after bottom surgery the rest of my dysphoria pretty much evaporated. I still have some measure of frustration that what I’ve got doesn’t work the same way as AMAB equipment, but I can do little things like shift in my chair without that horrible wrongness, that feeling like the psychological equivalent of nails on chalkboard. The inner peace that HRT and gender affirmation surgeries have brought me is worth every penny I’ve spent, every minute fighting through red tape, and every twinge of post-op pain.

I say all this to mean: there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not an oncoming train.

If he has not already changed his name and/or gender marker: depending on where you live (and, I cringe to say but it’s true, quite possibly his race as well, simply because legal hoops do tend to make themselves easier for white folk to navigate), changing his legal documentation might well be a lot less hassle than he might be expecting, especially if y’all live in a blue area. Look for a trans support group in your region; they should have resources to help smooth the way, such as grants for name changes, full write-ups of the name/gender marker change process for your location, trans-friendly judges and which judges to avoid, general legal help, etc. He doesn’t have to navigate that alone!

This might vary from one place to another, but a specific piece of advice I can give on the gender marker change is to wait till he’s been on T for at least three months (around the time that one’s voice typically drops), and have his medical professionals specifically state that he’s made irreversible changes as part of his gender affirmation treatment. I don’t know if all states require that, but mine does, so the judge I went to specifically looked for that type of verbiage. The trick there is that making irreversible changes doesn’t necessarily mean surgery—your voice dropping IS a permanent change, so legally that counts! (And of course if you don’t live in the US, the requirements might be wildly different.)

Okay that was an awful lot of rambling; gonna shoot this out into the ether before I find more things to yammer about. Best of luck to you and your husband both, and thank you for being a supportive spouse!

[garden-eel-draws]

from here

I guess I'm going reverse chronologically through my tabs.

Fun fact: novocaine/lidocaine don't work very well on me either. We learned that when I was like five years old and fell off a slide and needed stitches in the back of my head. They tried to numb the area first before putting the stitches in, but it basically didn't do anything so I kicked the ER doctor in the stomach so hard they needed to get a new doctor (and two grown men to hold me down while they actually anesthetized it properly so I wouldn't take anyone else down in the process).

I know a bunch of med reactions like that are genetic and a lot more common in certain ethnic groups, but I totally forget all of them for local/topical anesthetics like those except that it's surprisingly common for that same thing to happen in redheads (which I learned from a redhead friend with the same problem).

I had the same thing happen at the dentist too, but then at some point I found a great dentist who actually listened to me when I told him about it. He said most people don't target all the different nerve clusters in the mouth because it's usually not necessary, but he'd make sure to get all of them, give me a bit more than usual, and wait a little longer for it to kick in...and it actually worked for once!

So yeah, there are ways to work around it, and I've had good luck with anesthesiologists for stuff like colonoscopies when they were trying to figure out my GI problems. They managed to knock me right out, and I never felt or remembered a thing, so I'm pretty confident there are people out there who can actually do it right for surgery too, but it's worth talking to them ahead of time and making sure you feel comfortable with them actually acknowledging what you tell them and taking it seriously if you ever get to that point.

As far as any Surgeries of Trans Your Gender go for me though, I'm personally more worried that I heal really slowly from even minor injuries, and that I'd die from an infection or something during the extended healing process if I slip into not being able to take care of myself well enough, but I'll jump off that bridge if and when I come to it (and I swear I thought these were going to be shorter if I didn't need to explain why I was sending random asks like the first time)

Huh. Maybe if I ever have money, I can shop around for a doctor that would listen. The guy who took my wisdom teeth out kept telling me that he'd stop mid-surgery if I didn't stop screaming and ignored me every time I managed to stop screaming long enough to beg him for more anesthetic, so that admittedly colored my opinion of the whole profession...

And yeah, the post-surgery healing thing also worries me. My grandmother and mother not only walked off epidurals and (grandma only) woke up paralyzed and in agony during major surgery, but I've also seen the amount of pain, time, and incredible maintenance care that it takes to heal after something like a mastectomy. My grandmother got one for cancer reasons and she had to have the area drained and had to take all kinds of meds for it, etc. I'm a disabled guy with memory issues and mobility problems who chronically forgets to eat (and thus has diet deficits I can't afford to have diagnosed that screw with my healing) so like...maybe putting up with the mild dysphoria and irritation of being constantly misgendered is worth it in my case? At least for the time being, anyway. Maybe 10 years on I'll be chewing the drywall every time someone calls me the wrong thing and I'll be beyond these fears ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[awek-s-archived]

we keep seeing like lgbt ppl telling their stories on ro tv and my mom keeps reacting to it in real time and being real ‘supportive’ and stuff and the entire time i keep thinking about like all the times she would bite back to me about her ex bfs girlfriend being a lesbian whenever she did something she didnt agree with just in general life (being a lesbian was totally unrelated to it) or repeatedly misgendering me still 6 years after me coming out and fully living as a male (literally the only step i haven’t taken is the surgery. the ONLY step). including like. people talking about going to other countries or to islands on holiday where being lgbt is more free and celebrated (like mykonos apparently) bc they feel better even for a little time and my moms all like talking about it and reacting to it like an expert and the entire time i wanna scream and shout about it because if i bring up real time issues that are happening she’ll be like ‘that’s not true! they can’t do that!’ (about the uk making being trans more difficult) and how she didn’t react a single time to any of my suicide attempts even tho the majority of them were prompted by the fact that i know im never gonna be accepted or appreciated even within my own community. idk like it hurts me bc i know she’s trying but it’s also just 80% performative and i feel like a lot of the work ‘allies’ do is just on their own terms and their own comfort levels and at the end of the day we are just left to fend for ourselves regardless of how many people claim to be there for us and support us.

[genderfreakxx]

Transphobia top surgery related rant

Not my dad waiting until two days before my surgery date to ask me “are you really sure you wanna do this? I need you to tell me you’re really sure; it’s not too late.”

Like it’s not something that’s been on my mind since I bought my first binder back in 2014. Like I haven’t been talking about it out loud for at least six years. Like I haven’t been talking about it openly with them for at least four years.

You had years to have a conversation with me about this. You had years to try to understand my lived experience in my body. You had YEARS to understand why I’m fucking sure about this.

And you’re choosing less than 48 hours before my surgery date to throw this out at me like it’s some scary, horrible thing I’m doing on a whim. Like it’s a mistake and you’re scared for me. Fuck you.

As if I’m not nervous enough going into major surgery. As if it’s not already blatantly obvious in the way you misgender me every single day repeatedly that you haven’t taken any time at all to try and really see me for who I am.

Fuck you.

I wish I had a trans friend to help me with aftercare.

[transangstychaosmagicuser]

This was on my mind for today adn I think it’s important to document and at some point put into a format where maybe I can share it with those who need to see it the most.

The worst harm I’ve experienced as a trans person has often come from the cis allies, especially but not only medical providers who worked with the trans communities. That might sound strange but when you’re in an environment and you’re told that this is the person who is safe to go to, that creates a different sort of harm than you would experience from someone who was an outright bigot from the start. 

Examples of this:

The first person I came out to in a professional setting looked at me after I came out and said, “Oh, I thought you were just a butch lesbian” and then made several comments about how I could improve my gender presentation with the insinuation that I was not doing it well enough, leaving me feeling shamed and also unsupported.

This same person outed me in an unsafe setting without consent. Following that, they commented about me using the bathroom consistent with my birth gender rather than the bathroom consistent with my gender identity. I had barely started socially transitioning, let alone medically transitioning, and this wasn't a safe place to be visibly trans in a bathroom. I literally could have been assaulted if I did what she said. 

This is in sharp contrast, ironically, to the cis people who did not claim themselves as allies or specialists but acknowledged a lack of knowledge and asked my consent to consult with others who had that knowledge and then tried their best to gender me properly. 

The person at my next job first told me what a “horrible” time I was going to have on hormone therapy (I think she was projecting her experiences with menopause, if I’m honest) and then tried to compare her experiences to mine, making a joke one day that she had a “trans experience” because she was pretending to be her husband during a phone call. Maybe at another time that would have hit different (but probably not) because I was being misgendered because of my voice every day and now a cis woman is telling me that she passed as her husband on the phone and describing it as a “trans experience.”

The next person at that same job repeatedly refused to support me going through top surgery and literally described it as “optional” and “not necessary” even though he did the majority of the gender-affirming surgery evaluations for clients. I ended up getting top surgery and I also ended up getting punished for complications that happened around the surgery. I also was told that I could not take FMLA during that time, which was why I was punished for taking “too much time off” when I was going through multiple surgical procedures, yet the next year another person in my same position was allowed to take FMLA when they had an accident and couldn’t come into work.

I’ve also had cis allies ask me for my deadname, misgender me, make comments about trans people’s voices, make inappropriate jokes about the LGBT community, and in other ways show that they are not safe.

So, if you are a cis ally, maybe think about these things.

[shleemies]

OH YA IM OFFICIALLY UNEMPLOYED (good thing)

[goosemixtapes]

ok i’ve elected to just Make The Damn Post My Damn Self because i need something to link back to when i inevitably get into arguments about this because i have run-my-mouth disorder. so. slightly-more-generally-applicable companion piece to this post:

“but how can lesbians use he/him pronouns???!?1???”

1: pronouns =/= gender.

one of the arguments i see a lot with this topic is “pronouns = gender, & saying otherwise is transphobic.” i GET this, because pronouns are important & often correlate with gender, but saying pronouns = gender is oversimplified. pronouns are a method of gender presentation - same as clothing, name, & so on & so forth. society genders all of these things, but names & clothing do not prescribe gender. a man, cis or trans, who decides to wear a dress does not become a woman because of the dress; a woman, cis or trans, with a traditionally “masculine” name (ex. bailey, taylor, cameron), does not become a man because of the name. closeted trans people, if they must use names and wear clothing correlated with their agab, are still trans & are still the gender they are.

yes, most binary-gendered people choose clothing & names that “match” their gender, but some might not! think of butch lesbians -- they are women, just deliberately gendernonconforming women. pronouns are the same way -- the majority of men use “masculine” pronouns, & the majority of women use “feminine” pronouns, but this is because pronouns are a form of gender expression/presentation.

“pronouns =/= gender” does not equate to “i can misgender whoever i want.” pronouns should always be respected.

2: nonbinary people can use whatever pronouns they want.

this follows from #1. yeah, i’d say the majority of nonbinary people use they/them pronouns. but not all nonbinary people dress totally androgynously; some present more feminine or more masculine. the same is true for pronouns. nonbinary people may use she/her or he/him pronouns as part of their presentation - think of jonathan van ness (uses primarily he/him) or rebecca sugar (uses she/her along with they/them). this isn’t even getting into neopronouns; that’s a whole different post. the point is that restricting nonbinary people to they/them pronouns really misses the point of identifying as nonbinary: it’s not a third slot in the gender binary; it’s the general state of existing outside or partially outside of it.

(note: cis people can also use whatever pronouns they want. some cis lesbians use he/him; i’ll get to he/him lesbians a few slots down, but i just want to make it clear that sometimes cis people also use pronouns to express gender nonconformity & that’s their business & the same idea!)

3: lesbians can be nonbinary.

nonbinary =/= totally genderless. sometimes, for some people, it does mean that! but not for everyone. see #2 again, on trying to make nonbinary a strictly defined third gender.

(note: this doesn’t only apply to lesbians. this honestly applies to anyone. i’m just talking about lesbians because that’s My Lane.)

lesbians in particular often have complex relationships with gender, & have for literal decades. as womanhood is to a large degree constructed in contrast to & in relation to manhood, lesbian gender has kind of taken on its own thing since we just... are never in relationships with men, ever, which muddles the whole thing up. (also, womanhood is often a generally uncomfortable and muddled thing because of, you know, misogyny, so there’s that.) thus, a lot of lesbians feel disconnected from “womanhood” as an idea.

a lot of people like to protest nonbinary lesbians by saying “but a lesbian is a GIRL who likes GIRLS!!!1!!” yes. we... we know. the thing is, though, that if any nonbinary person identifies as a lesbian, they are probably close enough to womanhood to count as a wlw! the term “lesbian” automatically brings “women who love women” to people’s minds. if a nonbinary person is uncomfortable associating with womanhood at all, literally why would they use that term. it stands to reason that the people who DO use that term feel at least a tangential connection there.

a lot of lesbians define their gender solely as “lesbian.” in my own experience, the ONLY connection i feel toward womanhood is liking girls in a gay way. the attraction i feel toward women is gay attraction - i am attracted to women who like women. i do not want to date a straight woman who sees me as a man. if i didn’t like women, i wouldn’t have this connection & would probably identify otherwise - but i do like women & as it is that’s pretty much... what my gender is. (this is why people may say their gender is “butch” or “femme” -- it’s the same idea of a gender defined by attraction & the way you relate to women!)

for some people, nonbinary does mean totally genderless. for others, it just means anything that isn’t strictly binary. hence why some lesbians may consider themselves nonbinary - not entirely woman, but woman enough to be a lesbian. an example in layman’s terms: you know how “berry” lacroix tastes like it maybe saw a berry, once, from a distance? my gender is lacroix and the flavor is woman.

4: lesbians can thus use whatever pronouns they want.

i think this one is like... a geometry proof. #2 (nonbinary people can use any pronouns) + #3 (lesbians can be nonbinary) makes this one pretty simple. while the rest of this post will be about he/him lesbians, because that’s what i see the most “discourse” about, lesbians can use she/her or they/them or he/him or it/its or xe/xem or Any Other Pronouns They Want. Any.

5: “but why would a lesbian ever want to use he/him pronouns?”

people who ask this are usually asking one of these more specific questions:

“but if you use he/him, aren’t you a man?” see #1.

“but why would lesbians want to use masculine pronouns when lesbianism is about women?” i don’t know. why do butch lesbians dress masculinely? why do they often use masculine names or nicknames? it’s about the deliberate gender nonconformity, something that has been central to lesbian communities for literal decades. pronouns are another form of presentation (see #1); using pronouns other than she/her is another form of nonconformity.

“masculine clothing and names i get -- but why pronouns? that feels a little much.” i do get this! i used to feel the same way! but the criteria for being a lesbian is like... 1) not a man 2) a woman or at least sort of connected to being a woman (see #3) (yes, this includes trans lesbians, who are not men) 3) attracted to women and not men. that’s the criteria. that’s all.

& i would like to think that some of you have the best intentions. but i would really, really caution you away from trying to disqualify people from iding as lesbians because of the pronouns they use. saying “well, clearly lesbians can wear masculine clothes and have masculine names, but the pronouns are a step too far” doesn’t make any sense -- where do you draw the line? at what point are you trying to define when someone is “too masculine to be a lesbian?” and why do you feel the need to do that?

this goes double for nonlesbians. i’ll repeat: really, honestly ask yourself why you feel the need to do that.

(note: butch lesbians aren’t the only lesbians who are gender nonconforming and they aren’t the only ones who use he/him pronouns! but i’ve found this is very common among butches, more so than other lesbians, + it’s another space where i can speak from personal experience.)

6: “wait but this feels kind of TERFy. are you saying trans men can be lesbians?”

oh no. oh god no. lesbians = not men. trans men = men. (& trans women = trans women, & TERFS can choke.)

i think there is a misconception among some trans men (especially transmedicalists) that he/him lesbians are trying to tell trans men they aren’t “real men” & thus undermining their identities. the idea is that we’re saying, “hey, look, lesbians can use whatever pronouns we want! thus, you don’t need to transition :) you can use he pronouns and still be a gay woman :)” to which the obvious response is “i’m not a woman and this is transphobic.”

but i... honestly truly have never seen a he/him lesbian say that. we aren’t the same! even if we use the same pronouns, even if we may take some of the same steps to feel gender euphoria (ex. wearing more masculine clothing, binding/going on T for afab lesbians), we are not the same! trans men = men. men cannot be lesbians. he/him lesbians = people who are not men, but have a complicated relationship to womanhood. thus:

he/him lesbians =/= trans men.

there is no correlation.

(note: i lied. there is one correlation. the correlation is friends and allies. trans men i’m on your team and i hope you’re having a good day. my right to exist is not mutually exclusive with yours; we’re fighting similar battles.)

7. “okay, i guess, but i still don’t really get it?”

that’s okay!! gender is confusing as shit (plus this was a long & slightly repetitive post, because i wanted to make sure i covered all my bases). here are some things you can do if you still don’t understand:

a) talk to more he/him lesbians! maybe my explanation doesn’t really do it for you, but someone else’s will! (if you’re interested in lesbian history, i can recommend stone butch blues, which can be downloaded as a PDF from leslie feinberg’s website. the main character’s relationship to gender isn’t quite the same as the one explained in this post -- jess has to use he/him & pass as male to stay safe -- but it’s still a good read that gets into the complexity of lesbian gender. the lesbian mc participates in butch/femme culture, gets top surgery, & later has a relationship with a trans woman -- so, basically, corroborating what i’ve said about how lesbians can do all of these things & still be lesbians.)

b) if you don’t have the time/energy/desire to talk to more he/him lesbians, that’s fine! just respect us. respect our pronouns. don’t misgender us; don’t call us men or say we aren’t lesbians. you don’t have to get it to accept us.

c) here’s a secret. if you still don’t understand, but you are no longer seeking help understanding & you’ve decided to just vibe and respect us without totally Getting It - that is totally fine. you don’t need to tell us this :) saying “hey, i don’t really get it, could you help?” is one thing. saying “hey, i still don’t get it. not asking for help, just letting you know” is uh. is like. um. okay thanks for informing me?? i guess ??

i understand that not everyone will Get It. but if you’re using my pronouns & respecting my identity, i do not need to hear that you don’t actually get it because my gender is super complicated. it is a little, er, how you say, impolite. (again - not the same as asking for help! i’m totally open to answer any questions anyone has.)

_______________________________________________________________________

source: i am a he/him lesbian.

you are allowed & politely encouraged to reblog this post.

if anyone would like to add to this post -- particularly other lesbians and/or trans women (as i’m tme and don’t want to overstep) -- feel free!

if anyone would like to ask me to elaborate on something, feel free to ask in the reblogs, replies, or in my inbox/dms!

if anyone would like to clown on this post and say some lesbophobic or transphobic bullshit without reading what i wrote, please block me, log off, & go trip over something <3

[i-did]

Do you think trans Neil fics are just a way for people to enforce more heteronormativity into Andriels relationship? From what I’ve seen it just seems like an excuse for writers to feminise Neil more which is really harmful to trans male stereotypes. Not to mention the smut seems like an excuse to write about penis/vagina sex. Idk if I’m overthinking this but it’s the feeling I get and I’d appreciate someone else’s perspective on it

I think the fact that the vast majority of trans representation in fics is smut is pretty telling. I also am unfortunately nosey and back when I still read smut (I rarely do these days, it just makes me feel bad these days instead, haha) I would check out the author, and they were often women, presumably or openly cis since Fandom is an overwhelmingly (but not exclusively) AFAB space.

So far all the trans men I've personally spoken to have mentioned that they can't read any trans fics and actually actively avoid them.

NSFW LANGUAGE

There is also the discussion of language and misgendering of genitals in smut fics, as well as how differently the characters (who are being written as trans) become. Trans andrew fics are dominated by smut as well as writing him as a bottom and very sexual and ... okay I genuinely can't think of another word for this besides "cockslut" so sorry about the informality of language. But they wrote him as a cockslut, and same as neil. Trans men can be tops, and often are because of bottom dysphoria, and anal is still a thing trans men can enjoy, anyone can.

We have a pretty good idea how andrew and neil act during sexual acts together since we are shown andrew jerking neil off and andrew sucking neil off in the books. So when because they're afab they suddenly act very different during sex it can be... suspicious.

Its also important to discuss language used during smut fics as well as what is included and what isn't. Often chests are mentioned, not so often with top surgery in mind, and body hair isn't. Trans men on testosterone are very aware of their body hair and how it has changed, and usually proud of it. I think even a passing remark about how one of them (pre or post op) would have chest hair or a happy trail would be good to mention, when happy trails are often mentioned in cis smut but omitted in trans smut.

Also when having sex with a trans person (yes speaking from experience) it is best to openly and honestly discuss what they are comfortable with and what language they like. Consent is always important to be discussed and when/if your partner has dysphoria that is another element to be considered and discussed. Some trans women get dysphoric about anal, some don't, some trans men keep a shirt on some don't some people keep their socks on some people like some words that others don't. Its best to assume someone doesn't have a misgendering kink! Its not that common and all kinks should be discussed beforehand anyway. Dirty talk should also be discussed, what words are good to use vs not.

A lot of the language see in ftm trans smut (because there is next to no mtf trans smut) ((not that I think it would be much better but who knows I haven't read it)) refers to the genitals with dirty language associated with women (tits, pussy, cunt, etc) but doesn't mention the trans man's erection, in fact I haven't seen any mention T-cocks/T-dicks. Its also best to assume your partner doesn't like those words and use vague terms unless otherwise stated, using general words such as hole is still hot and also not misgendering their genitals. Some people do not see this as a form of misgendering, but not everyone does and the reason people I've talked to about this (and myself) don't read these fics is because the language makes them uncomfortable so we avoid it all together. (As well as the other problems discussed).

The fact that effects of testosterone are hardly mentioned makes me feel like these fics are more so existing for the often afab non mlm consumers of smut fics who use them as porn to get off to and increase their self insertablility. I'm honestly curious about this psychologically, I know some people don't realize they're trans until moments like this, but I also know fully confident cis and sometimes het women get off to gay porn.

Regardless, obviously writing trans neil is not problematic, and same as writing trans andrew fics. But its important to note how you or the author might have changed the characters canon personalities, presentation, reactions during sex and preferences during sex. And also why there is so much emphasis on sex, when people who are trans are trans not just during sex, but also... when they're not having sex, which is most of the time like everyone else. Its also important to note which one you choose to prefer being trans and why, I know a lot of non Americans who only use the word for binder as a chest binder and not a folder assumed neil was trans until it became apparent he wasn't written with the intention of so, but I've also seen people choose to have neil be trans because they think "trans men are just hotter" and if you're not a trans man,,,, maybe. Don't say that. Because that's fetishizing trans men.

END NSFW

Whatmack wrote a good fic where neil is trans and its not just a device for smut, in fact its not about his genitals and sex at all, its about WWI and is really good but mind warnings, its called "in flanders fields" i believe.

Also I'm told I'm an overthinker a lot but honestly? My mind is blank a lot of the time lmao. And then when its not blank I'm just... thinking. I don't think I'm an over thinker regardless of what others have told me lmao, I think they just don't realize how often I'm actually just vibing. Also "overthinking" can be good. Analyzing things and what they mean can be important and questioning stuff is also important. Obviously if you're getting anxious than overthinking isn't good and its overwhelming instead, but a little overthinking is good because some times I feel we under think things and don't analyze what they could mean.

When I have a reaction to something or an instinct idea about something I try to assess why. Do I hate Kora? Why? Do I think she's arrogant and unlikable? Or am I actually being misogynistic and potentially colorist against her, and if she were a white male character would i question her personality and actions as much as I do when she's a woc, much less be annoyed by them? (I love Kora, this is just an example lol)

Also sorry I keep answering these like always 3 am my time which means for a lot of you guys its even earlier in the morning, (whats up Australia, New Zealand, Europe, the Philippines, and other awake places)

[flynnardkuwata]

my list of proof that Leon Kuwata is trans:

1. his name.  the official kanji for it, 怜恩, can mean something like “wise grace”...and is typically a girl’s name, according to Tangorin.  I’m not saying anything for certain, but that could absolutely have been his deadname, and he could absolutely have went “no I’m a lion haha.”  you know he would.

2. clearly, he’s pretty damn attached to his beard, if he’s bold and dumb enough to proudly wear it Like That.  if you know something about trans boys, it’s that we’re proud as FUCK of our facial hair, like the moment I get a noticeable goatee my life will be complete.  Leon is proud of his facial hair and it being so obvious keeps others from misgendering him just saying

3. if you look at his stats, his chest size is 80 cm, aka comparable to that of some of the girls in the cast.  hajime, another character whom trans headcanons are common for (and yes I 100% agree), has a chest size of 83 cm, and that is often cited as evidence for him being trans.  why can’t I do the same here, hm

4. he is 5′-fucking-9″, and YET.  he feels the NEED to wear platform shoes.  that’s some height dysphoria my guy

5. his underwear

that sounds a lot like packing underwear to me, chief.  that looks and sounds a lot like what I use to pack with.  just sayin.

6. why’s he hate having his hair shaved?  cause it makes him dysphoric!  as a guy who also feels like his face looks too feminine when his hair’s too short, hard relate!!  boy needs a mane to feel proud of himself

7. why’s he never drag his ass to practice?  well, clearly it’s laziness, but also what if he actually feels a bit nervous hanging around a “buncha sweaty” cis guys?  also he used to bind, and everyone knows that makes it hard to fucking exercise

8. he had complete faith that Kanon, his cousin, a (presumably) cis girl, could throw a pitch as fast as he could.  she thought it was a trick, but nope, he 100% believed she could.  ignoring that a) this comes from a manga and not a main game, and b) Kanon’s whole attitude towards Leon is highkey Uncomfortable(TM), can we just appreciate that singular fact for a moment b/c honestly that’s super sweet.  and trans-sounding

9. his whole personality?  he’s an insecure, overconfident guy whose extreme image-consciousness and need to be liked/supported/validated is a major part of his character!  he wants to be seen as cool, more than anything!  and he hates people telling him what to do and tries his damnedest to escape what he sees as a box others keep trying to force him into (even though he actually likes baseball, there’s just too much about it that feels boring/trapping to him, especially regarding everyone’s view of him because of it)!  again: relatable shit.

10. this point isn’t exactly proof, but you may be asking yourself “wow, Flynn, this is a solid argument here...but isn’t he clearly cis in canon?  I mean, there are pictures of him with his shirt off, for example!” and the answer to that, clearly, is that he got to start his transition earlier than most due to his family being pretty wealthy and (probably) supportive.  he’s already had top surgery by the time Hope’s Peak rolled around!  going on T is the only reason he has any muscle mass at all, and you KNOW this complete dumbass would view T as like this miracle juice which means no exercise needed ever!  just saying I’ve thought long and hard about this shit

11. I just relate to him a lot and think he’s neat ok.  what more do I need?

in conclusion, this boy is trans and you can do nothing about it