#there is nothing left for me but despair and strife

[blukou]

Reposted from my twitter

That’s right my favorite Arknights character. Sussy Glitter.

[zakkura]

Zakkura Drabble: ~

Zack x Cloud Suggestive Set sometime after Advent Children (in an alternate universe where best boy lives)

                                                 :｡･:*:･ﾟ’★,｡･:*:･ﾟ’☆

Cloud couldn’t help the tears that overflowed and rushed down his cheeks as he dashed forwards and grabbed the front of Zack’s shirt; startling the other man.

“I hate this,” Cloud said through gritted teeth as he hiccups left his lips, “I hate you for making me feel this way,” he heard Zack let out a small sad sigh.

 “you’re the most annoying man I have ever met, you joke around too much, yo-you constantly make stupid puns about my name and you flirt without so much of a thought to what that does to the person,” Cloud could feel his face burning as he stared down at the floor, tears blurring his vision.

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say,” Zack muttered as he tried to hold himself back from comforting his friend as he seemed like he might get his hand bitten off.

“I am so stupidly in love with you!” Cloud yelled as his head snapped up, face twisted in anger and yet there was also a very lost and uncertain glint in his eyes, “I have been in love with you since I was a teenager on those missions we did together, when you saved me, when you kept me with you and went out of your way to bring us to Midgar,” Cloud hissed and gripped the fabric of Zack’s shirt tighter, “after all those talks and e-mails and texts and intimate moments you just went back to Aerith!” his face fell into utter despair as he shoved Zack away from him and turned around so he could at least have a little dignity.

“Cloud-”

“Shut up!” Cloud was embarrassed and insecure, ashamed of who he was and how he had fallen for a man who was in love with his other best friend; it wasn’t even Zack’s fault and yet here he was acting as if it was.

“No, you listen to me right now,” Zack argued and grabbed his blonde friend by his arm, turning him around so that he could face him even though Cloud quickly averted his gaze to the side, face completely flushed and distraught.

“I am not ‘going back to Aerith’,” he rolled his eyes as Cloud made a mocking sound as if he didn’t believe him and to a certain extent he could understand why Cloud would feel that way, he was constantly with the flower-girl.

“Zack, please don’t lie to me, I’m embarrassed enough,” Zack felt his heart ache a little, hands moving up to gentle hold the other’s shoulders.

“I’m in love with you, Cloud, you moron,” Zack stated bluntly with a big smile appearing on his face as he felt Cloud freeze under his hands.

“Don’t you dare, take the piss out of me,” Cloud spat as he covered his face a bit to hide the fact that tears were still falling down his cheeks, “I needed to let you know okay, I’m sorry for that but telling me such a load of shit is not fair!” he added  trying to push the taller and much bulkier man away from him, only to be pulled back so that they were pressed together and even though Tifa’s Bar was empty and quiet already, there seemed to be another layer of silence that fell over them.

“I think telling you that I’m in love with you as well, is perfectly fair,” the emphasis on fair and the cheeky grin on Zack’s face nearly made him laugh but he kept his anger boiling at the front as his face continued to get darker in shade, his eyes widened greatly as the man he adored moved his face closer.

“Cloud Strife,” he almost purred his name and grabbed the blondes hand, pressing it against his chest, “I am in love with you and have been since you removed your helmet all those years ago and as much as I adore both Tifa and Aerith, I’m afraid they don’t really have anything that I would want,” he arched his eyebrow at Cloud who seemed to be in a state of shock and shyness, wanting to lean forwards but too scared.

Zack paused for a second to see if Cloud would respond, but as he expected, his friend stayed silent, too nervous to let anymore words come out.

“I love you,” Zack repeated with a serious face, no smirk, no smile, nothing that would indicate that he was being playful and Cloud thought his knees would give in.

Thankfully Cadet training made it quite easy to brush that feeling aside.

Well, at least for a few seconds before Zack quickly, but passionately brough their lips together, hand still holding Cloud’s against his chest.

Cloud could feeling his own heart racing, it felt so forceful and he nearly pulled away when he let out a low moan as their tongues met.

Zack was quick on his reflexes and gently held the back of Cloud’s head to keep the kiss going, finally letting the blondes hand go, which in turn, moved so that both his hands were caressing the back of Zack’s neck, tugging at the hair there.

“Shit,” Zack stuttered as he pulled back ever so slightly to breathe, eyes meeting Cloud’s before he dived right back in, pushing the blonde a little too hard against the wall so they could press against each other without the fear of falling over.

He was going to apologise for being rough but the groan that left Cloud made him realise that his friend, now lover, enjoyed such treatment.

“Jump,” he whispered, teeth biting down of Cloud’s neck like an animal as the blonde followed his orders, legs thick and strong around his waist making the black haired man let out a long whine. 

Cloud’s legs always being a weakness of his that he had had to keep to himself throughout all the times they had stayed in hotel rooms together through their missions.

Cloud always did sleep in a shirt and boxer shorts after all and if he did get caught staring, he was very quick to say it was because he was looking for any injuries as the blondes superior.

“I love you, Zack,” Cloud whimpered, hands holding either side of Zack’s face, the both of the panting hard and flushed in the face.

“I love you too, you idiot,” Zack grinned before letting out a loud yelp as Cloud punched him in the shoulder, an adorable glare on his face.

[lynettethemadscientist]

So. . . what is Fallout 4 about in your opinion?

(Asking this not angrily, but as someone who's genuinely curious about your thoughts on the game. I played it too and I love it. Nick Valentine my beloved!)

Thank you for asking!!

Fallout 4’s story is primarily about two things, both concerning how we cope with Suffering and Despair.

When you begin the game, you and your spouse are finally reunited after a long military deployment and you have a brand new baby (no more than a few months old). You’re on the cusp of a beautiful future together. All your dreams are finally coming true.

And then it’s all taken from you. In the worst possible way. Your spouse is executed in front of you. Your child is taken by people with unknown but undoubtedly horrific intentions. And when you wake up for the second time you have no idea how long he’s been in their possession.

When you find the last remnant of your past life (Codsworth), he informs you that everything you know and love has not just been destroyed, but is long forgotten.

You only have one thing left; one reason to keep going, so you pursue your only lead.

And there you find Preston Garvey. He tells you about people and places that mean nothing to you. And he burdens you with the responsibility of saving these people.

It feels almost cruel. The world has brutally taken everything from you and still it sees fit to task you with saving it.

You only say yes because your moral compass insists. You can’t just leave people to die. Not when you can do something about it.

But if you do ask Preston about his recent tragedy he’ll tell you:

“I had to put on a brave face as long as there were still people counting on me. That's the only reason I kept going.”

You don’t know it yet, but this foreshadows your future in the Commonwealth.

As you search for your son in a poisoned, decaying land full of giant monsters, you quickly realize there are two kinds of people: those who want to kill you, and those begging you to rescue them from certain death. Everywhere you turn there is desperation. And you grow more weary and more worried each time you steer away from your search to save a family pleading for your help.

And then you find Kellogg. However you feel about killing him, the answers you need are locked in his head, so you leap in. As you walk through his memories, to your dismay you find that his family was brutally taken from him in much the same way yours was. And that he chose to become the very same monster that created him.

And here we find the first thesis of the story: suffering is inevitable, and it will change you, but you are the one who decides whether your strife changes you into a better or worse person.

However the Sole Survivor chooses to respond (or not respond) to this is up to your character, but the message is clear.

For the purpose of truly realizing the second thesis, let’s say this moment was a wake-up call for your Sole. You grit your teeth and silently swear an oath to yourself that no matter what happens, you won’t end up like Kellogg. You won’t let your loss turn you into something evil.

But it’s hard to fight the despair creeping into your heart now that you know your son is already 10 years old. He’s been raised by the Institute. An organization that has thus far only seen fit to inflict harm on the Commonwealth for unknown reasons. You try to push the implications of this out of your mind as you now search for access to the organization that has haunted this land for over a century.

The burden of helping settlers only grows heavier as the seemingly insurmountable task of getting into the Institute looms over you.

And when you finally get inside, not even your most harrowing nightmares could have predicted what you find.

Your son is an old man. A callous and calculating old man. He bears features resembling that of you and your spouse, but the more he talks the more he seems like a cruel mockery of your once happy family.

Searching the Institute for answers only plunges the knife deeper. Every terminal, every overheard conversation only confirms the worst; that the squalor and desperation of the Commonwealth, the constant fear and instability, is all the intentional result of the Institute’s machinations. Your own son is the one who has been making life a living hell for all the people you've met and befriended on your way to rescuing him.

Devastating doesn’t even begin to cover it.

The one thing you had left, the one reason you endured for so long has not just been irrevocably taken from you, but has been twisted into something monstrously evil.

When you reach the surface again, you realize you have nothing left. Maybe you consider walking into the water and letting the rads take you. Or maybe putting the barrel of a gun in your mouth.

You wonder why you even survived this long. Why couldn’t you have just died in that cryopod? Or been another casualty of the wasteland? Why are you even still here?

But before you can finish the job you remember why. As much as you might want to, you can’t die yet. There are too many people depending on you now. And you’re the only one who can stop your son.

And here we find the second thesis of the story: having a purpose beyond oneself is the only way to endure impossible levels of suffering. Without a purpose, one succumbs to despair.

What was once a moral obligation has become your only reason to keep going. What was once a burden is now your lifeline.

And with that I think perhaps I should stop haha ^^; I’ve already waxed on for a lot longer than I intended and I feel bad that I made you wait so long for a response. I’ll keep going if anyone wants to hear the rest but I think I’ve about covered the core themes of the story and I fear I’ve already been too tedious about it

[quem-pel]

I was feeling really unsettled after the finale of The Bad Batch and I wasn’t entirely sure why until I talked to my best friend about it.

Spoilers and unsolicited opinions below.

This is just me trying to sort things out in my head and thought I would share.

Obviously Techs death was pretty devastating, and I thought that it was the loss of his character that had me so in my feelings. They had fleshed him out to be very unique; he was the genius trope while still being confident and warm in his own way. You don’t ever see that portrayed in any sort of media and it was super endearing and refreshing. Then they canonized (I’m calling it canon at this point) him being neurodivergent/Autistic and that felt really good.

From what I can remember, he had never been made fun of by his brothers for info dumping, interrupting or his general demeanor. (The Regs made fun of all of them so I’m not counting that) And again, he wasn’t portrayed as being completely callus and uncaring. When he came across that way, Omega called him out like any little sibling might and he had explained his situation beautifully.

“I may process moments and thoughts differently, but it does not mean that I feel any less than you.” Same my tall neurodivergent buddy, same. And I think that is an incredibly powerful thing for a show to say, especially a SciFi universe/series that attracts this sort of following.

So yea, Techs death felt a little like a gut punch. I get sad over character deaths but this one got to me, and Tech wasn’t even my most favorite character.

I believe it was because of the timing and the tone.

It happened with 15 minutes left to the last episode, at that point we know things can’t get better. There would be no ‘fix it’ curve ball where he comes back to save the day, Crosshair wasn’t getting saved and then Omega was taken. There was so much despair and strife that the ‘I’m your sister’ reveal had very little emotional effect on me. At that point, I just didn’t care. I had been curious before, but it’s hard to feel curious about anything when everything felt so demoralizing and hopeless.

And that’s where my disconnect and unsettled feeling is coming from.

Starwars is about Hope, it always has been. It’s a huge reason why I latched onto the universe as my ‘comfort’ fandom. I’m emotionally sick of shows that everything is horrible all the time, if I want that I just open up Facebook or watch the news.

That isn’t to say that bad things don’t happen in Starwars, they absolutely do. But I don’t remember the last time any of the shows or films left me feeling utterly hopeless. Even in season one we have Omega telling Crosshair “You’re still their brother, you’re my brother too.”

This season we get; Tech falling to his death. Wrecker, Echo and Hunter sitting in a Dark Marauder ready to go feral after already trying everything and having nothing left. Crosshair out for the count after being tortured for who knows how long and Omega being kidnapped by the Empire.

Obviously the writing is really good, especially if so many people are having an emotional reaction to it. And I understand that its set right after order 66, so the empire is in full swing of being vicious evil bastards. But I think I am just really missing that punch of hope at the end, that light at the end of the tunnel that can pull us through until next season.

I am unsettled because it just feels really hopeless and that isn’t the theme of Starwars at all.

I want next season to turn that around, I want Tech to make a Starwars ‘not dead yet’ return, Crosshair and Omega to escape and the found family Trope to be intact. But that all seems like a very big ask at this point.

Makes me scared for the Mandalorian. At least we got to see Zeb Live action this week.

[randomdarksidersblog27]

ASHES OF EDEN SONGFIC

(Will the faithful be rewarded? When we come to the end. )

       You looked over at your fellow survivors,hearing the incoming danger ahead. They had no where left to turn,no where to run. They were doomed.

(Will I miss the final warning,in this lie that I have lived?)

      Many dropped to their knees and began to pray,hoping by some miracle, they would be saved. You didn't bother,you knew the chances of it happening were slim to none. No one was coming to save you all.

( Is there anybody calling,

I can see the soul within.

And I am not worthy,

I am not worthy of this.)

          You had to do something! Death did not bring humanity back JUST for you all to be slaughtered like livestock by demons! But what could you do? You had little experience fighting these creatures,only knowing the minimal to survive on your own. There was no way in the Nine Hells you could fend them all off while the humans ran for safety. The Maker Tree was a few miles away. Could you even fend off the enemies for that long? You had to try. For their sake.

( Are you with me after all?

Why can't I feel you?)

      Gripping the blade War had given you,you stood between the praying humans and the incoming hoarde.

   "Go. I'll fend them off long enough for you all to reach the tree. Hurry!" You called to them. Scrambling to their feet,the humans bowed their heads in thanks as they took off.

(Are you with me through it all?

Why can't I hear you?)

        Here they come. Ugly bastards too. Each snarling and dribbling drool everywhere,egear to taste human flesh. Getting into stance,you readied yourself for the oncoming onslaught.

(Stay with me,don't let me go.

Cause there's nothing left at all.)

         You did your best,hack8ng away at the beasts and keeping a good number of them at bay. But you were one person,not much you can do against such a force. But again,you tried your best. You just hoped it was good enough.

(Stay with me,don't let me go.

Until the ashes of Eden fall.)

          "WE HAVE TO GO NOW! Y/N IS IN TROUBLE!" A deep voice bellowed over the rush of wind as four steeds ran as fast as inhumanly possible as they could. The one who spoke,Death,was unlike himself. Usually the calm,collected,level headed of the Four,he was now in a frenzy,eyes ablaze with anger and fear. It was the first time the other three had ever seen their brother like this. 

    "How do you know they're in trouble?" Strife called over the wind to his brother,doing his best to keep Mayhem's pace with Despair's.

    "I sent Dust ahead to keep an eye out for them! Through our link,I see what he sees and I see Y/N in trouble! They're fending off an onslaught of demons while the pack of humans makes a break for the Tree! They're going to perish if we don't hurry!" Death yelled back,willing his steed to go faster. He hoped,prayed,WILLED them to get there in time. He couldn't bear it if anything happened to you........

(Will the darkness fall upon me

When the air is growing thin

Will the light begin to pull me

To its everlasting will)

You were growing weak and tired. These demons seemed to be endless,but you did your best to keep them all at bay. So far,you had injured and killed quite a few of them,none getting past you to the humans you HOPED had made it to the tree by now. But you were slowing,injured as well. You tried to keep up. You tried to stay alert,but darkness was creeping I to your vision. You ached all over,and you had lost quite a lot of blood. This would be ending soon,and you knew,you would not be the victor in this.

(I can hear the voices haunting

There is nothing left to fear

And I am still calling

I am still calling to you)

Footsteps. You heard more and more of them,where were these demons COMING FROM? This was almost IMPOSSIBLE.HOW were there so many? Wait......those werent footsteps. They were hoofsteps! Belonging to whole else but your riders? All four of them in their blazing glory stood behind the hoarde.

(Are you with me after all?

Why can't I feel you?)

You would smile,but you were so tired and achy. The demons turned to their new opponents,forgetting all about you.

(Are you with me through it all?

Why can't I hear you?)

Death raised his scythe and in one large swoop,separated six heads from their shoulders. War followed suit and soon,it was an all out massacre. The demons never stood a chance.

(Stay with me,don't let me go.

Cause there's nothing left at all.)

Sighing,you let your knees hit the dirt. The darkness finally took over your vision,head making contact with the dirt as well. Exhaustion overwhelmed your bones and being.

(Stay with me,don't let me go.

Until the ashes of Eden fall.)

You barely registered the arms picking you up,trying to shake you awake. But your eyes were so heavy,you just COULDNT open them. You were so tired,bones so heavy.........

(Don't let go,don't let go,don't let go,don't let go,don't let go)

Why can't I feel you?

Stay with me,don't let me go

Cause there's nothing left at all.)

"Y/N! Y/N PLEASE WAKE UP!" Strife called helplessly to you,dismounting his horse and rushing towards you. You were in a Maker's arms,unresponsive.

(Stay with me don't let me go.

Until the ashes of Eden fall.)

The other three followed their brother,calling your name and shaking you. But to no avail. You had gone still in the Maker's arms,growing cold to the touch. Your wounds had proved too much. You were gone.

(Stay with me(Heaven above me,take my hand)(Shine until there's nothing left but you)

Ugly sobs wracked through Strife. How could you be gone? They had gotten there! They had killed the demons! So wake,please! Death sat by your lifeless body,using his necromancies to grasp to the tiniest part of your soul that remained,and pulled you back. It took a mimute,but you woke,gasping for breath and groaning in pain. Strife let out a wail and enveloped you in a bone crushing hug,in which the other three joined. You were back,you were safe. That's all that mattered.

(Heaven above me,take my hand)

(Shine until there's nothing left but you)

And if Death she'd a few tears behind his mask,well,keep that to yourself.

[theperplexedpoet]

a dream (face the dawn a wounded child)

I held a dream that wasn't real but for a moment it was breathing and when I awoke I could feel how it tried to instill meaning in the depths where light's forgotten where each these tears has been counted a part of me that was rotten that would never have amounted I clutched a dream there to my chest praying hope would be ignited but there was nothing as I pressed no prospects to be invited in the caverns of my being I felt pangs of shadows casting but that's not what I was seeing where the strife was everlasting I face the dawn a wounded child with a dreamer's constitution perhaps the end is still reviled cast down from the institution I held a dream that came alive thought that I might do the same thing but neither were meant to survive no, this pawn would never be king and in the depths of my despair I believed time was for the living but I was fully unaware at its core it's unforgiving I face the dawn a wounded child with a dreamer's constitution I saw the endings all compiled offering no resolution I clutched a dream there without rest thought it was mine for the taking but there was none of the dream left when I found myself there waking as in the caverns of my cold were no pieces for the binding fortune now forsaking the bold as if I needed reminding I face the dawn a wounded child with a dreamer's constitution perhaps the end is still reviled not a workable solution I held a dream that wasn't real but for a moment it was breathing and when I awoke I could feel all its inspiration leaving while in the caverns of my soul where the tides were overtaking was faced with much too high a toll and the rest was just me breaking I face the dawn a wounded child with a dreamer's constitution I saw the endings all compiled with no word of restitution I clutched a dream there to my chest praying hope would be ignited but there was nothing as I pressed no prospects to be invited (2/8/24)

[lady-lancer]

A personal rant about why I dislike the inclusion of Celestica/Volo in PLA, or rather, the way it was used

If you're expecting a nicely organized essay, move along. This is one giant brain dump that has been percolating in my brain for months, and I just needed to get it out. 

Comments and asks are welcomed, but don’t expect to hide behind anon. You want to talk? Let’s talk.

Volo and Celestica are interesting in Pokemon Legends Arceus. And by interesting, I mean “why the hell are you here?”

There are the known parallels. Sinnoh is the Pokemon version of Hokkaido. Hisui has a new name because Hokkaido used to be known as Ezo by the local indigenous population - the Ainu.The Galaxy Expedition Team is obviously a parallel to the Japanese government colonizing (yes colonizing) Ezo into Hokkaido.

So that leaves the Ainu. My thought was that the Diamond and Pearl Clans are the Ainu parallel. 

So where does that leave Volo and Celestica? Well, Celestica is the Greeks, and Volo is an entitled brat.

Confused? Let me explain. 

Well, as this graduate student on AO3 writes, there’s a pervasive idea in Japanese history that the Greeks lived in Japan long before anyone else did. The TL;DR of the post is that based on the architecture of one important temple in Japan, the Greeks had contact with Japanese soil back in the BCE era. That theory includes the idea that the Greeks settled Hokkaido before the Ainu.

Now, if we take the parallels from above, that sentence becomes: The Celestica people settled Hisui before the Diamond/Pearl Clans.

This would explain the Temple of Sinnoh being very, very Greek-like, down to the Parthenon style building its in. It also explains why Volo wears that chiton Arceus outfit - because he’s Greek coded.

Now, why does this make me mad? Simple - because it makes it look like the Diamond/Pearl Clans are like the Galaxy Team - colonizers taking over a land that isn’t theirs.

And it's not just that. The Old Verses bring it up as well. And let me break down why it makes me mad!

Take Old Verse 5: 

The first line is clear: Long and longer yet ago, Celestica was here. But folk and town alike, both did disappear.

Celestica was in Hisui, and for some reason they “disappeared.” We have no idea why they disappeared. The only clue of what happened to them is most likely in Old Verse 20, where it states that the writer’s people - ostensibly Celestica -  ‘weep, to grief we fall, starved of light now it has gone.’ We know something happened to the people of Celestica. But it continues with “And some they go, despair withal, in search of it they reel and run. They quit their hearths, abandon hall, and leave our lands to be undone.” I read this as the people of Celestica choosing to leave, not being forced out, especially when you read the next part.

Back to OV5, the second and third lines are: In time, came new folk sailing, sailing ‘cross the sea, called by their love for Sinnoh, great and almighty. But diff’rent were the Sinnoh that each folk did hold dear, And bitter strife and angry war were always at the near.

The arrival of the Diamond and Pearl Clans. Reading between the lines, we see that the clans came after Celestica left. And they were called to Hisui by their love of Sinnoh. Eventually, they fall into battle because they can’t agree on who’s the “right” Sinnoh, leading to the clashes that made the Clans dislike each other.

The fourth and fifth lines: ‘Celestica’ they called themselves, the name not theirs to take. Yet claim it from the past they did, for tragic quarrel’s sake. So once again did our name live, though all our people gone. But even if the name endures, its heart does not live on.

Now these lines. These lines grind my gears. 

I have scoured the game, looking for where the Clans claim to be Celestica. There is only one place I can find it: on the Celestica Flute. 

And I see nothing that tells us where ‘for tragic quarrels sake’ the clans claimed the name. 

The only other places the names of Celestica are found are in the ruins.The Celestica Trail and Ruins in the Coronet Highlands are the most obvious.There, you also find the Primeval Grotto, Ancient Quarry, and Sacred Plaza (where the statues of Dialga, Palkia, and shattered Giratina are). Outside of the Highlands, there’s the Shrouded Ruins and Solaceon Ruins in the Mirelands, but that’s it. Of course, that’s not to say there aren’t other, non-named locations of Celestica ruins, but I have only ever seen them in the area’s I named above. 

Now overall, why does this Verse make me mad, besides what I said above?

There’s a couple of things. For one, it insinuates that the clans don’t have the right to call Hisui their home. Just like the Galaxy Team, they came to Hisui and took over; they were not born on the land. Except that’s just human migration. Celestica left Hisui for some reason, and the clans came upon an empty land and settled. 

For another, it claims that the clans ‘took over Celestica’s name’, but again, there is no evidence for that claim. The clans came to Hisui following Dialga and Palkia. There is no proof that the clans even knew much about Celestica except for the ruins that remained. (And their interactions with Celestica architecture is interesting as well, but that's a discussion for another post.)

And then, Volo. Volo comes in, claiming that because he holds the blood of the ancient Sinnoh people, he is…. *checks notes* you know, I have no idea what blood has to do with anything. 

In the post game, Volo takes you on a journey to find the plates and Arceus. Then at the Highlands, he drops this tidbit. “You see, ever since I was young, whenever I met with something painful or heartbreaking... I couldn't help but wonder why life was so unfair. Why I was cursed to live through such things. Of course, I imagine we all go through something like that. Eventually, I chose to direct all my energy into my own natural curiosity and ambition. And what tickled my curiosity more strongly than anything were the mysteries to be found in legends, in history, in ruins... You see, I fancied that by unraveling these mysteries, I could find out how the world itself came to be–and with that knowledge, maybe even forge a new, better world!” Then you meet him at the temple, and you meet Arceus-hair version Volo. No more lead up, just *BAM* Greek Volo.

There's the subtext, of course. Volo claims to be Celestican, and has all the knowledge about the plates, the myths, ect. Ergo, one can consider that Volo learned all of this as a way to reconnect with his heritage. But that doesn’t fit, when you consider his ultimate goal: If I can meet Arceus myself, then I may also be able to subjugate its power... And using that, I will attempt to create a new, better world!

That… doesn’t sound like someone who wants to reconnect with his heritage. It sounds like a bratty teenager who’s mad that their parents enforced a curfew, and are moodily claiming that when they have their own house, they’ll never have a curfew. But ‘their own house’ is running back to the home their great-grandparents lived in and trying to evict the new residents, all while working with a loan shark to tear the house down to build one that suits them better.

So, let’s tie it all together.

Gamefreak has written a game that perpetuates a historical theory (that can’t be proven or disproven because of lack of evidence) that the Greek’s colonized Hokkaido before the Ainu (Aka, Celestica lived in Hisui before the Diamond/Pearl Clans). They claim that the Clans appropriated Celestican culture and presented it as their own, despite the fact that we see no sign of what is Celestican versus Clan based, after such a long time. 

They barely touch on it until the end game, where a blonde hair/ light eyed white skinned male coded character suddenly claims to be a heir to the land of Hisui. Volo feels they are entitled to their God’s favor, because they learned and searched for a way to meet Them. This becomes using God’s ‘banished’ child to cause another tantrum to call Them down. When the child that God sent to defeat them wins, Volo refuses to learn his lesson and states that he will meet Arceus and conquer it.

And now, the real world implications.

The Ainu aren’t the indigenous people of Ezo/Hokkaido. The Greeks are. 

Therefore, the Japanese government did nothing wrong in forcefully colonizing the Ainu people.

In game, can you see Volo as indigenous? Sure. But I’d be more inclined to think that way if we had more signs of other Celesticans. Or hell, instead of Celestica, a third Clan that followed Giratina. If Giratina was banished, then so was its clan. And Volo is here to get revenge for that. 

But no. We just get a man who wants to remake the world  because someone was mean to him. 

[loveisafuckingslut]

I came I saw I wanted more —

it began.

A fragile soul seeking love's guiding hand.

A spark ignited within this vast sea,

As hearts collided, setting love's fire free.

With hesitant steps, I approached your world,

Innocence intertwined as love unfurled.

In the magic of love's intricate dance,

A story unfolds, a whispered romance.

In this tender space, we shared stolen gazes,

A symphony of affection and captivating phrases.

With each passing day, emotions soared high,

Drawing me closer, feeling love amplify.

But as the embers burned brighter and taller,

A storm brewed within, a seductive caller.

For in the depths of my complex mind's snare,

A shadow lurked, threatening all that was fair.

Passion grew fierce, and obsession took hold,

Boundaries blurred, my love turned bold.

I craved your presence, every moment a need,

Unable to control the tumultuous seed.

Fueled by my mind, a battle I couldn’t win,

Love's light dimmed, overshadowed by sin.

Anxiety's grip, jealousy's cruel sway,

My heart became a battleground, night and day.

Whispers turned bitter, words laced with strife,

I longed for escape from this prison of life.

Love's once gentle touch transformed to pain,

As darkness consumed, left nothing to remain.

‘I wanted more’ I sadly whispered,

But my heart's desire was tragically blistered.

Haunted by shadows, my mind a relentless storm,

Love's sweet illusion crumbled, shattered and torn.

In the depths of despair, I found no reprieve,

A prisoner of my thoughts, unable to believe.

The tendrils of darkness coiled tight around my heart,

As love's shattered fragments tore me apart.

Loneliness echoed through my hollowed soul,

A broken vessel adrift, devoid of control.

The echoes of passion, now hauntingly cold,

A love story written with pain untold.

In the depths of desolation, I remain,

A love story etched with anguish and disdain.

For the one who loved with a similar soul,

The ending was inevitable, an empty black hole.

The echoes of his absence haunt me still,

A reminder of love's cruel, bitter pill.

In the chasms of darkness, I wander and roam,

Betrayed by the one I thought I could call home.

And in the bitter end, he left me behind,

Abandoned and shattered, losing my mind.

A love once fierce, now a cruel phantom's game,

Leaving me drowning in sorrow and shame.

He left me, a love forsaken,

And I, a broken soul, forever be shaken.

For sometimes, the darkness prevails over light,

Leaving shattered hearts yearning in the endless night.

— love II

[heylondon]

My Father’s Final Victory

Nobody knows where It came from. Some say the devil himself incubated It in his womb and birthed It from blood and bile to haunt mankind with Its horrors. Others say evil men in long white coats concocted It in unfeeling labs, fueled by the avarice of shadowy overlords. Others say It is a parasite, materializing from the shadows of the weakened mind, filling it with smoke and decay. And some say It’s nothing more than an unfortunate product of evolution or an impervious chain reaction—in other words, bad luck.

Whatever It is, I was twelve when It first sunk its barbed teeth into my father. I don’t think we really noticed It at first. But little by little It devoured him, each piece of my father replaced with calloused misery, until there was hardly anything of him left. And by the time we realized, it was too late. My father was nearly gone and It had replaced him. It was my father.

Every once in awhile when the conditions were right my father’s soul would resurface with a hearty laugh, a twinkle in his eyes, or a longer-than-expected embrace. These are my favorite memories of my father.

At other times, my father would sink so far beneath the surface that what stood in his place lost all resemblance. It would stand before me with twisted horns, acrid red eyes, and a forked tongue spewing rancor and spite.

And deep inside my father would watch. He would weep and thrash his limbs, forced to witness the horrors It kindled in his place. And when It slacked its grip he would emerge with tears, apologizing and begging for forgiveness. But empathy, conjured often enough, too swiftly wanes to apathy.

Towards the end, I suspect each resurfacing was prefaced by an ever more difficult battle. I do not know how often my father rose to fight It—how often he heeded the promise of Hope and lifted the unwieldy Sword of Change—but he eventually concluded the war against It was futile.

Perhaps, in a decisive battle, It raised the great obsidian Dagger of Despair and plunged it into Hope’s stomach. My father in shock as It unraveled Hope’s bloody red innards, strewing them about as a mockery of Ariadne’s yarn.

Or maybe my father simply grew doubtful of Hope, and abandoned it of his own accord.

Either way, hope became nothing more than a myth, and he was left alone to wander the labyrinth. The shadows of its walls no doubt converged with the passing of time, consuming him in their darkness. And in the darkness he drowned, his sunken lungs burned, and his skin blistered in agony. All he could do was watch It continue to devour him.

He saw his life wither away in Its control. He saw It wear his skin and sap his vitality. He saw It bleach the color from his eyes. He saw It sterilize the passions of his heart. He saw It spit at the sun until winter was endless. He saw It poison his mind, sowing resentment and wrath. He saw It living with his family, breaking their hearts, and eclipsing their future.

And eventually he could watch no more. He hated It more than he loved himself. And rather than watch It consume any more of him and his life, he would end It the only way he thought he could.

He raised a pistol to his head and pulled the trigger.

•••

As soon as I heard the gunshot I ran down the stairs and kicked open the locked door to his office. His body was crumpled on the floor with blood gurgling into a pool beneath his head, all the pain, anger, and strife spilling out of him. The remnants of a war.

It was dead. He had killed It. But It did not die without a cost. My father was dead too. One body. Two deaths.

This was my father’s final stand.

This was his victory.

•••

I don’t believe in life after death, but I still find shadows of both of them.

I find my father in my laugh. I find him in my mischief. I find him in my dreams. I try to hold onto these traces of him.

I find It when I hear my mother weep. I find It when the echo of a gunshot makes me flinch. I find It in my nightmares. I try to rid myself of these vestiges of It.

In the shadow of their death, I sometimes find myself longing to wander down the paths that could have been. My head speculates an alternate life with an unbroken father, and wonders if it is richer, happier, or more painless. If not that life, then one where my father found victory without death as a side effect. One where he found a way to get better; to still be here without Its curse. My heart aches for these fanciful paths. But hope for the past is a fool’s poison. The present is my dominion.

I cannot change the war that took my father but I can accept his final victory. I can conclude this story with my father heroically ending Its haunting. And though the ashes of my father’s life will forever follow me, I will let them remind me of the fire with which he fought to end this tale, and not let the memory of its flames bite me. I will miss him, but I will let him rest. I will honor the wish of his final victory. I will let it end. I will let ash return to dust.

[dawn-t0-dusk]

#30: the monsters we make

These are the monsters we make.              -the damned, the evil, the snake Monsters arent born-              they are children of strife and despair and fate-                            -of congealed blood and infected puss              And they are sly and cunning-                            Don’t be fooled by their pretty words,                            For they are laced in deceit                            They are known to lie and cheat They will take over all you are              Until you two can’t be told apart,                             -its really quite neat!              Your mind is theirs to take and keep then,                            Once taken, you will never get it back, again

These are the monsters we make              -the misunderstood, the scorned, the fake And they arent always awake              they slumber within us,              waiting to be woken              By the cries of the depressed and heartbroken And if nothing else, listen to this scorn              they can act the part, when they take your form-                            -no one will ever know to mourn.                                    (Some would call this kindness)

The monsters within me are awake,              They have tasted blood-                                and now they hunger for more              Perhaps-                            One day-                                           they will consume me.                            Until all that is left is the shell of my skin.                            Until i am more them than me.                            Until i am nobody. But what of yours?              How long until you too are possessed?

[365runesoftheamalgamations]

That Summer Day

On that awful summer day The cracks began within the clay Of my heart, soul and mind Leaving nothing but despair behind.

The cracks began to grow As Death began to know My heart’s one desire To fly ever higher.

Death clipped my infant wings Tied me down with hollow strings So that I saw the angelic sky But never truly learned to fly.

Bound and lost, sitting in sorrow I wished not for the morrow When the windows would open and shine And show a world that was not mine.

The sun rose and my heart fell As Nature rang Dawn’s morning bell I sought refuge within my cage My mind filled with hungry rage.

Why should Death win this game? Why should man be cause of blame? Why should it be me who suffers? Why should it not be the others?

Death smiled at my anger Excited at the potential danger He laughed at my broken state And absorbed all my bundled hate.

I glared and fought But it was for naught For no one escapes The fate Death shapes.

My protests fell upon deaf ears As my face stained with salty tears My heart screamed, my mind cried As my soul broke inside.

I fell into the trap of despair And stopped to even fight or care The cracks grew within the clay On that awful summer day.

But as Time moved along I began to hear Joy’s song Lifting me out of Despair’s reach And causing Death to begin to screech.

Joy allowed my Hope to come As the world began to sing and hum Hope, my hollow strings, did break And Death did begin to shake.

Life gave me wings and helped me stand I laughed with joy and left the land To meet the sky and touch the moon And sing of my life song’s tune.

I soared through the skies Not caring if the sun would set or rise I flew for the days of my life And forgot of my past of strife.

And when I spent my given time I went to Death at the chime He nodded and turned and with his back to me He led the way to those shining seas.

When I saw those sparkling shores I knew that it was the place of lore I turned and saw Death be reborn Into the man that made my heart mourn.

Why should it be him who is here now? Why should it be time to keep his vow? Why should I cry but be filled with joy? Why should I not fear but love this boy?

I ran to him and hugged him tightly And tears slid touching my face lightly We pulled apart and I knew right away I never would repeat that summer day.

[scarletskye]

The Perfect Shade of Blue

11/08/23

The color you left in me…

~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~

It’s been a pleasure with you

I’ve found the perfect shade of blue

With you

What paints the sky’s brilliance?

Where the eagles soar,

Where dreams are realized?

What color marks its splendor…?

What remarks your lonely eyes?

That glow in the darkness,

That feed into the night…

What color matches their complexion?

What composes a sapphire?

Mysterious under the fire,

Of a inquisitors gaze?

What color completes its myth?

but I found an even more perfect shade of blue

the one you left with me…

What color are my conflicting thoughts?

My infinite sadness?

My never-ending strife.

What color is under the sea of my emotions?

That churn under a still surface,

A growing despair and agony?

And what color did you leave with me?

Where nothing ends but you began?

You became all I knew

And all you left, was the perfect shade of blue.

[airprime7]

poetry/rap/whatever by me and @jenny-azoth

Nightmare Despair Helter Skelt air

unreal

That things not going anywhere

complex even but in the lexicon on which i build my name its all the same expedite the extra dime any money i buy by rhyme fair and square is mine

there?

yeah time

thanks obama (insert mic drop there)

prank disaster

egbert (you know the pronunciation)

yes i can enunciate on my copys heart body smarter than you think then you drink and its done, see aint what you thought or bought but deaths the price you pay not to stay to go away and left is nothing bodys stuffed with love and care another scare the dog attacks during frog backtracks end of line end of life in final strife start of dream and seams show clear the knit and sew let it go into bubble of troubles and dignity comes in the window are you ready to join your self and sibling go oughta cut this short or get caught up in ends the bends and falls faces change new grounds tread found red with blood by hand or blade the cans arent saved but she has no way he must escape not Just nor safe but we all cascade

[paperbagnotes]

Ai trying to translate my pain into words;

In tears, I drown,

Feeling lost, like a ghost in your town.

My heart aches, my soul cries,

To be nothing to you, my existence denied.

No significance, no special place,

A faceless shadow in your empty space.

If not unique, if not cherished and adored,

I'd rather not know you, i am already ignored.

For in this dark, heartbroken state,

I'd rather be alone than feel this weight.

To be someone, to be seen,

Is all I ask, my silent plea.

But if I'm just anyone, no different, not special, no one,

I'd rather have nothing, my heart is disheveled.

I deserve more, I deserve to be known,

Not just a nameless face, easily thrown.

Tears well, my heart breaks,

Feeling insignificant, my soul aches..

If I'm not special, if I don't matter,

I am but, shattered and scattered.

For the pain of being unseen, of feeling obscene,

Leaves me empty, longing for more than it all could even be,

I'd rather fade away, disappear from sight entirely

Than live in this darkness, devoid of light.

To be forgotten, to mean nothing at all,

It's a heart-wrenching agony, a devastating fall.

In the depths of my anguish, a tempest rages within, I suffocate,

Lost in a sea of pain, my heart aching.

To be insignificant, a mere afterthought,

It's a torment that leaves me distraught.

Feeling like nothing, an empty shell,

Aching for significance, that isn’t quenched, not nearly at all.

To be unseen, my existence nothing,

It's a soul-crushing feeling, I cannot hide from.

In this agony, I'm left to dwell,

With no resolution, just pain to quell.

Aching for meaning, for purpose and worth,

But trapped in a cycle of pain since birth.

No answers, no solace to be found,

Just the overwhelming pain that surrounds.

In this darkness, I'll continue to reside,

Longing for something, but feeling denied.

A void, a pit in my core, a black hole of emptiness,

Draining life's essence, consuming all traces of bliss.

To be but a fleeting apparition in your realm,

A ghostly figure, forgotten amidst life's overwhelming helm.

In the depths of my despair, a modern tragedy unfolds,

Emotions swirling like a tempest, my heartache takes hold.

Tears cascade like a torrential rain, staining my weary face,

As I confront a reality that feels so cruel and out of place.

Aching with a pain that cuts deep, like a sharp&dull edged knife,

I'm left gasping for breath, struggling through this strife.

It's a bitter pill to swallow, a reality that screams so loud.

The weight of this indifference, heavy upon my chest, turning me into an owl,

Leaving me questioning my worth, feeling like an unwanted guest. Gargoyle of stone, arched to corrode.

But the struggle feels relentless, like an uphill climb,

As I navigate a world with you that seems indifferent, most of the time.

No resolution in sight, as I'm left gasping in this pain,

Yearning for a connection that feels real, not in vain.

Though the road may be treacherous, I'll find my voice,

In a world that often leaves me feeling drowned in noise.

I'll rise above the indifference, and carve my own path,

Discovering my worth, embracing my own aftermath.

The pain, a relentless tide, surges through my veins,

Aching echoes, haunting reminders of love's cruel games.

Lost in the tapestry of your existence, fading, growing fainter.

The weight of insignificance, a burden I can hardly bear,

A soul left adrift, lost in the vast expanse of despair.

In this labyrinth of sorrow, I question life's very worth,

Yet, amidst the darkness, a flicker of hope remains,

A whisper, a glimmer, igniting dreams that still sustain.

So I shall gather the fragments of my shattered soul,

Weave them into art, a masterpiece to console.

In this tragic symphony, I'll dance with my scars,

Finding solace in the depths, beneath the moon and stars.

[convolutedelucidation]

Born into this cold world

Without a hand to hold

Rejected and neglected

Until my soul was sold.

I just want to cry

But I feel nothing inside

Used to feel alive

Now life is suffering.

Iniquity and injustice

Trouble and strife

My trust has been broken

I hate this hopeless life.

Broken open as a child

Was free and running wild

Stuck down from the sky

Fell down into the mire.

I spend my day’s here wandering

Pondering what could have been

Ever hoping it’ll all be over

Barely coping, comatose.

Overdose on poison

Throw reason out with caution

As I take my portion

Deep remorse grows for,

Everything I’ve done

Against the Holy one

The payout that I’ve won

Paid the price, sacrifice.

My judgment day will come

Where all will be undone

Eternal return, burning

Yearning for the son.

Turning over trees

Dropping all the leaves

Can’t believe what has become

This person I call me.

Swallowed by disease

Hollow and empty

Resigned and numb

I wish I wasn’t dumb.

I wish I could start over

Please just one more attempt

I promise I’ll do better

Yet the promise’s never kept.

Please just one more try

I’ll be crying for the rest of my life.

Drowning and depressed

Wasted all the grace

I used to feel blessed

Made everything a mess.

And I can’t face the day

I can’t face myself

Just want to look away

This life’s a lost cause.

Throw everything to waste

Disgraceful pain, my payback

Silent suffering, covered

Hidden from the intimate.

The structure has been ruptured

My heart has been crushed

The sky is falling

The world is burning

Everyone’s crazy

And I am alone

No one hears it

No one sees it

No one even believes me.

All this sin and waging war

Lying to my stolen core

Nothing inside

No one home

Everyone dies

And I will always be alone.

You don’t know me

You don’t see me

You don’t care

You wouldn’t want to be me.

Life ain’t pretty

And nothing’s sweet

Devil on my shoulder

Ever mocking me.

Please man,

We need you.

Please please please

Let me be.

Left it behind

Back of my mind

Another time

No peace I find

Everywhere

Without a care

Without the love

Our given share

All too scared

And no one cares

Hurt and despair

Spread all through the air.

We breathe it in

Can’t leave the sin

This position

We’re living in.

The world around

It breaks you down

You think you’re found

Another round.

You’re just a clown

A nothing to no one

A stillbirth

The onion

Wooden spoons and

Deflated balloons

A puddle on the ground.

Lie down

Give up

You never had a chance anyway

It was always going to be this way.

You couldn’t see it

Now you say

Hoping for a brighter day.

Hope that keeps you open

Never to deliver

And yet it keeps you coping

Something you’ll consider.

Choking on a fish bone

Washed upon the shore

Living like a vagabond

Knocking on the door.

Curl up by the fireside

Have a smoke and drink your wine

Crying on the inside

The love never came.

We never change

It always stays the same

And this is the game

That everyone’s playing.

No seasons pass

Nothing grows

Stuck inside this jail cell

Throw myself away.

Throw it in the water

Take me far away

Way beyond the border

Away from this life.

Above the pain and suffering

Lift me up above the clouds

Restore the law and order

The providence of whence I came.

I am the evidence of shame

I am the man crying

The whole world has let me down.

Haven’t smiled in a while

This face it holds a frown

This head I hold

Feels heavy and old

Don’t want to carry it around.

If I could bother

To be other

I would kill myself aloud.

My selfish self conscious self satisfying soul

Go down to the gallows

Bury myself whole.

There’s a hole in my head

And soon I’ll be dead

But who knows if they’ll be better.

I tried to repent

I tried to be gentle

But it’s better if I were never.

Never here

Never lived

Never breathed

Never existed.

Look at me thwarted, warped and twisted

A compromised life

Manipulated till I broke

Cracked the shell when I fell

And they scrambled the yolk.

It’s all been a grand joke

And I just want to elope

To those distant shores

Of nevermore

Where I can sleep in peace and smoke.

High all the time

Fine in divine

Responsibilities lifted from my shoulders

Won’t have to feel this heart grow colder

As my energy just dissipates

And my body disintegrates

Languishing, feel astray

Banished from the family

Passed down all the hurt to me

Scape goat for the masses

Stuck in thick molasses

Whipped till blood poured open

Bearing it all, hoping

Lifeless, limp and sloping

Slumped into a ball

I can’t get away from it all

Trapped inside these civil walls

Social bonds and conscience calls

I want to get away from it all

But it follows wherever I go.

No I don’t understand

And I don’t make plans

Things are out of hand

And I am damned.

Lost the grace I once was gifted

Took a bite and the world shifted

Never could ever I have known

This person into whom I’ve grown.

I didn’t have the premonition

Used to laugh at superstition

Never could I have ever imagined

The fallout from all of my actions

Could snowball and catapult

Me into this dimension

Stranded with no chance of redemption

Intercepted by an intervention

All with such good intentions

I remain here

Demented

[raggedinflux]

In the impetuosity of my state, I have two things in which I must confide within you. The first is the profound love that I once had for you. The second, dealing with the profound hurt that you caused me.

I loved you unconditionally and profoundly. Never in my life had I had someone make me feel so wanted, validates, safe and secure. My love warranted limitless selfless acts for your benefit, born out of my own tried strife of experience. I wanted you to be the best person that you could possibly be, not for me, but for you, because I realized the potential that you had to be an even more amazing person than you already were. I wanted to validate the feeling of safety that you gave me, by helping you to realize your potential, and assist you in working towards it. I wanted you to pursue a career that you had passion for, I did not want you to struggle while in school, I let you live with me rent free. You needed reliable transportation, I wanted to be able to side in that. You needed self-esteem, I tried to wash you in compliments and the bravery you needed to face the harshest of days. When you were around, my face lit up like a tree, as a dog wags it’s tail uncontrollably when it’s best friend comes home, I wagged as if the world were ending anytime you were near me. The apocalypse could be happening outside, but as long as I had you with me, I had a deep feeling that everything would be alright. I was soundly safe in your prescience, and even the thought of you warranted a profuse ideation safety, being wanted, loved, and adored. And I thank you unconditionally for what you provided me emotionally. You taught me to love myself, you gave my the confidence to pursue things I didn’t believe within myself, you loved and cared for me in a way no one else had ever done. For that, I will never forget you. I will always have a spot for you in my heart. I loved you in a way that words cannot describe, I would’ve easily given my life to protect yours. You meant the absolute world to me and I adored you in a way that these letters cannot ascribe meaning to, you were the pinnacle of my life. I cannot thank you enough for showing me true love.

The pain and strife was born, not of our breakup, but the actions that followed. I can deal with heartbreak, turmoil, and breakups. What I cannot deal with is the way you took your love from me and weaponized it against me. I was heartbroken when you decided to end things, and that was a normal response. You had told me many times over that you loved me, yet the minute you ended your time with me you ran to hookup apps, ignored me, called me a stalker, called me crazy. You took everything that you had built within me and spat on it. I am not innocent in this. I retaliated throw pain by writing horrifically awful things to you, not with the intention to hurt you, but in an attempt to protect myself from your actions and words towards me. I simply wanted closure but you had no intent on providing me with that. You tore me down in such a way that I felt profoundly empty, lost, and alone. I felt as if I was wandering through the vast emptiness of space with no air. I felt disposable. I felt used. I felt nothing but pain and despair. The antithesis to your love tore me down in such a way that I felt useless. I made an attempt on my life which was almost successful in response, the pain was too much to bear. I was adrift in a void, never in my life had I felt such despair, loneliness, and negative thoughts about myself. Why did he run to hookup apps as soon as he left me? Was I that disposable? Why would he ignore me constantly? Call me names? Degrade me? Do everything but scream “I hate your essence”? How could this come from a love so profound he said he had for me? I am nothing. I am meaningless. I am useless and undeserving of anyone’s love. I spiraled and spiraled and spiraled, and with the turmoil came more horrific words that I had weaponized against you. I was backed into a corner, a fight, in which only words would allow me to protect myself. I used your insecurities against you, I wanted to tear you down in the same manner you were tearing me down, and the only weapon I had was words. Horrible awful horrific words meant to protect myself, but they hurt you. And for this I profoundly apologize. I never wanted to hurt you or cause you harm, but that’s the only way I knew to protect myself. And for that, again, I apologize and wish I could take back everything I said to you, because I didn’t mean a single part of it. I was acting in defense, and it was not ok to do. You cannot fight pain with pain. And beyond pain, was I.

I needed you to know these two things, only because you deserve to know. I loved you to the moon and back, but I also endured the most profound pain I’d ever experienced in my life. I want you to know, not because I want you to feel bad, but because I need you to know how much you meant to me. Maybe I didn’t show you enough what you meant to me, maybe I didn’t do enough, maybe I was hard to love. Regardless, I think you have the right to know, and knowing that I finally got these words and feelings off my chest can maybe provide some closure; however, I was able to get closure long ago, through therapy and writing. So maybe I just want you to hear these words, to make up for the ways in which I never told you how much you meant to me: maybe it’s selfish. I don’t know. All I know is that when I was around you; I had never felt so safe, loved and wanted. And when you left I had also never felt so disposable, alone, lost and unwanted. Maybe that’s the antithesis of love. Regardless, I do have an inquiry that begs to be answered.

Why did you hurt me so badly and treat me disposable. How did you love me, in the way you said you did, and toss me aside and abandon all feelings for me. That is not what someone does to someone else they claim to love. That is not love.