#there's just too much fucking happening at once!!!!! my brain can't process all these emotions!!!!!! absolutely flatlining here!!!!!

[incidentale]

for my own sanity i cannot think about the olympics announcement for more than two seconds

[fivewholeminutes]

so. wembley.

Once I have finally gathered my wits the words did not want to stop coming. This rambling is long; apologies for that. And for the messed up tenses I hate tenses we only have one past tense why is English like this

No photos/videos yet, they are still not properly checked/deleted/edited by me.

It was. Unsurprisingly. One of the best days of my life. But also, I don't remember much from my life, so don't trust me on this one. (Kidding, it totally WAS one of the best days of my life). And uhh... I have a problem with processing events and emotions, so it still feels like I have seen it on a TV screen instead of, you know, actually, physically having been there? Idk how to explain that, I still have to convince my brain that I've been there. I feel detached from it completely. But!! I!! Have!! Been!! There!!

I woke up so early that foxes were still roaming the streets. Didn't talk much with people around me in the queue (hello anxiety), but they were lovely! I signed the blue flag for iii from me & Lia, got the sticker for Projekt Atlantic, received some bracelets, exchanged some bracelets, put some sea creatures tattoos on people (LIA I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THE WHALE!!!), slept on a pavement, bought merch for myself and others (I've never had anyone to buy concert merch for before, it's such a nice feeling 🥺).

And queueing for so long was so fucking worth it! Third row, baby!! For the first time in the middle!! (Which was my downfall later, but the pre-show me was not aware of that just yet). I couldn't actually hear HEALTH that well, but I really liked their drummer, he was enjoying himself and his joy was contagious. (I've checked them later though and. Last album, my beloved.) During the break, well, you all know what was happening, I have been liveblogging everything (sorry about that <3). The moment someone in the crowd literally screeched when they saw the new masks on instagram was a blessing, I wouldn't have survived seeing them in new masks without a warning. Also, my blind ass would probably realise 3 songs in that they have different masks, I shit you not. Besides, it was super fun having a mental breakdown here on tumblr with y'all <3

When Espera entered the stage, everything else stopped being of any importance to me. I remember my first thought was "oh yeah, sure, the ladies are dressed up and moving like this and you expect me to focus on anything else that is happening on this stage?". And of course, my second thought was "I GOTTA TAKE PICTURES FOR DARYA". Naturally, I was trying to keep up with everything else anyway. I haven't seen ii all too well though and it makes me sad :( Alas. I've had a good vantage point for the ladies. Yeah. Brain went brrrrr every time I was looking at them. Where was I again-

I was still coughing at that time. I got a terrible coughing fit after literally 3 short screams during HEALTH and my idiot ass has left all the lozenges except one in the hotel room an hour before the door opening. I thought I would have to spend the rest of the night not singing along nor screaming and felt utterly heartbroken for a few minutes, but after my Holy Grail Lozenge (and a LOT of water from the venue's crew) my cough has abandoned me for the duration of the whole ritual (thank you, Sleep). Even though, when Sam told us that we have to sing, my only thought was "I CAN'T FUCKING SING EITHER, MATE". But I did. Oh, I so fucking did. I sung my lungs out and did not cough even ONCE.

But you know. I was exhausted, anxious, surrounded by strangers and had more sugar in my veins than red cells at that point, so I wasn't my best self. I really thought the karaoke was for shits and giggles at first. "Oh yeah, it's The Most Popular Song, let's see how it sounds when 10k people sing it without the singer's help!", you know. Thought it was for the recording the announcements warned us about. But then we sung Granite. Ohhhkay. And then The Love You Want - certainly not a song they would leave for an impropmtu singalong. It was then that I (belatedly) realised that yeah, something really was wrong and so my heart broke again. So many preparations! Their biggest gig so far! Even iii managed to be there! And something had to happen!! Specifically!! To Vessel!! Of all people!! That was just not fair. He totally didn't deserve this. But it's just life and its endless fucking bad surprises for everyone, huh.

I didn't have enough time to collect all the broken pieces of my heart from the sticky floor and mend them after this realisation, because after Vessel joined the singing for the last few lines of TLYW, he dropped to his knees in front of us crying and thanking everyone. That sight is now carved into my brain. This is when I realised the 3rd row was a mistake. The psychic damage it gave me is irrevocable. Do you have those moments that you will never forget? A few seconds of an (usually traumatic) experience that will haunt you forever, replaying in your mind like a broken record? It was a bit like this for me. It wasn't traumatic, mind you, but it was definitely something that made a permanent dent in my heart and a home in my brain. And I wouldn't change it anyway.

Another thing that made me think that I will just fall down and never get up was iii & iv's hug. It was. So full of love and reassurence. Idk, you could just feel that emitting from them, okay? I was standing there thinking "yeah sure, just fucking murder me tonight instead, okay. Should've kept staring at Espera only-". Ah yes. The ladies. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Where was I again-

The goosebumps when the whole venue yelled "they won't be missing you" during Nazareth, oh my fucking god. On my previous rituals, in way smaller venues, there's always been a handful of people screaming it. And everyone doing it? Unparalleled feeling. Bordering on the shrimp emotions scale.

The lights were spectacular. I cannot describe how amazing the light show was. I am sending a kiss to each and every light crew member.

Also, Vessel being more emotional during the ritual as a whole. The TLYW moment was the worst for me, but there were many others. (Ascensionism and Bloodsport stabbing me with a rusty knife the most.) I mean, who could've blamed him for the emotions, he would probably be very emotional even without the voice issues. Who wouldn't be!! It was a big night, after all. God, it must have been so difficult for him, I really, really fucking hope the love coming from his bandmates, crew and the crowd was enough to help him focus on the good parts of the evening only. And!! It wasn't even that bad!!! Sure, he lost his voice for a while, but once it was back you could!! Barely!! Hear!! The difference!! I have a whole new level of respect for Vessel because of that. And for staying onstage with us for the songs he couldn't sing. Didn't know I could respect him even more than I already did, but hey. Love being surprised like that. I have seen concerts where the singers were singing way worse live while being completely healthy. Like sure, you could notice he's not using so many uhh, how do you call this in English, vocal ornamentations??? and that his voice is strained, but it was still beautiful. Take care of your voice now though, dude, jfc. Thanks for the sacrifice, much appreciated, but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU- (kidding, kidding. or am i.) I also liked that he was leaving the more screamy moments in songs for us. Aiming the microphone at us, positive we'll have his back. Like yeah, yeah, other bands do that relatively often, but it's not something they usually do, you know.

I can't vouch for everyone in the crowd, but I sure as fuck did not have a SINGLE thought that the show sucks because of his voice issues. Like it didn't even occur to me. Honest to god. I was shocked when I saw on tumblr that people were leaving? Asking for a refund????????????? I was having the time of my life singing those songs. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, probably!! Who can say they karaoked whole 3 songs with the band playing for them live?? Your local karaoke bar could never. (Bonus points, you could hear Espera better bc of that! Yes, I know, you are not supposed to hear backing vocals too loud in general, I'm just saying it was nice hearing them, bc usually I hear them on recordings only.)

Yeah, sure I was disappointed after the show that there was no Euclid, but that's just me, a total whore for Euclid. It's a completely different thing than being a bitch who leaves halfway, because something out of the ordinary has been happening.

Anyways. I would like to wish all the crowdsurfers a very fuck you. Hope you will all step on a lego every day for the rest of your lives <3

Crowdsurfers and constant giving away of water (which I understand, it was terribly hot there and it was needed) were a bit distracting, I missed some things because of the commotion, the drum solo has been disrupted by me getting a (fortunately very light) kick in the mouth and DRUM SOLO IS SACRED. I HOPE THE CROWDSURFER WHO DECIDED TO GO UP IN THAT MOMENT WILL STEP ON 3 LEGOS DAILY. IT'S LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE RITUAL FOR ME AND THEY HAVE RUINED IT. Thanks to another crowdsurfer, I missed the moment the band was throwing stuff into the crowd and I promised Lia I will catch a pick/drumstick for them!!!!!!! I've had a banner for this occassion and all!!!!! And!!!!! For the whole time things were flying from the scene!!!! I have been under someone's legs and ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Side note: Vessel was throwing away his rings. That's so fucking cool, ahh.

All in all, half of the things that happened there, I've learned from tumblr. The announcements about the recording, people leaving, Vessel being covered in runes (I WAS STANDING RIGHT BEFORE HIM AND DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING. A N Y T H I N G. I HATE BEING A BLIND IDIOT), the Espera ladies laughing at iii for not coming to the photo, hell, even Vessel trying to get his attention. I have NO idea what I've been doing back then, it's a blur again lmao. And. The most important thing: Vessel's "thank you". I didn't catch it back then. I don't hear it on my recording. Tbh I couldn't believe y'all for a long while that it really happened (I'm sorry). But it did and you know what? I'm glad the broken pieces of my heart were left on the arena's floor earlier during the show. I don't want them anymore.

I would also like to thank that one security guy in huge headphones who was our warning that another fucking crowdsurfer was coming our way. I hope the headphones guy's pillow is always cold on both sides, his skin clear, his crops- and so on. Our hero <3

There was also a moment during Atlantic (another important moment disrupted. Smh) where 2 security persons dived into the crowd?? I still have no idea what was happening, bc if someone faints for example, they are always brught to the barricade by the crowd and security picks them up, I've never seen security getting into the crowd before. And because of that, people around me were talking loudly during Atlantic. Kill kill murder kill

Still, Projekt Atlantic was a huge success and I am so proud of the organisers!! They're in the same category of lovely people as the big headphones security guy

Sending a kiss to @murderofcrow for this gif 🖤

To sum up. I will forever be grateful for this band. This music has activated the dormant parts of my mind. I am making art again. I am meeting cool people because of them. I have people to talk about it with who are as excited about it as I am. For the first time in ages I really feel alive again. And life is not good, far from it, to be completely honest with you, they haven't magically fixed all my problems, but I do have something that actually fucking works on me. I know Vessel wouldn't agree, but they are saving people. And you all, lovely ST pocket of tumblr motherfuckers who are reading this, you are saving people too.

And, last but not least!! In hot pink, because I can! Thanks to this ritual I could finally meet @vesselsscarlet and @thevenomousseprent in person!!!!!!!!! I love you guys, you are amazing and I can't wait to see you again 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 You've made me feel so loved that weekend and it's something I haven't felt in a while!!

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hi hiii!! :DDD Doing this bad boy to see what happens. >:333

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? Rule 34 and Dinner and Diatribes. I don't know. Something about the just barely masked tension in both those songs, the way they both fit so well with characters/ships/dynamics I adore, and their general energy and instrumentation SINGS to me. <3 <3 <3. I may not listen to them as often as others but they are my entire brain constantly. Favourite lines from both are: "You look so good There on your knees Such a good girl knows how to please Look at me look me in the eyes Forget yourself, surrender your mind" - Rule 34 (Mostly for the visuals and the change of voice) And "I knew it from the first look of The look of mischief in your eyes" - Dinner and Diatribes (This line sets the tone of the entire song so well, the visual is so interesting and the way it's sung is so intimate in a way I cannot describe. Literally so good.)

What is your Enneagram type? 4w5 :3.

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why? I fucking love them so bad <3. I think currently the Lightlark and Nightbane ones by KrimsonRogue are really good. Just... so much content, and also writing advice, and also dying inside listening to a review of a cringe book. Literally sustains my life.

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend. I didn't really have them in the traditional sense, but the closest things I had was imagining chatting with or interacting with characters I liked from shows, especially once I found visual novels XD. And that evolved into characters running around in my brain and now I am a writer. :P So. These bitches clawed their way into my head at age 10 and never left.

What is your go-to way to fall asleep? Rain sounds. Storm sounds. Wind sounds. Especially if they just come from outside but I also do just put them on on my computer and turn off the screen often, letting them play on the stereo. :P

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?) Names are fucking weird man. I am currently in the process of reconsidering mine, and I am starting to like the idea of something more wacky, and star themed, or snow themed. :P I don't know if I'd like it long term but Redacted and DnD have very much warmed me up to names like that lol.

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why? Why must I chose one? You're so mean. Uuuuum... Deferred Judgment methinks. It shows a lot of Vega's softness and even some selflessness, while also a bit of the risk that his mission entails and MAN- THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT WHEN IT CAME OUT WAS SO MUCH. I hated it way back when but damn... it was really good. Still is. Cannot wait to see him again. Miss him real bad.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.) Um... Guy, Ollie, NICK. OH GODS NOT NICK. And most of the fooliverse boys besides Milo. I am not exactly the type for sweet boys. I like some of them but their chaos or overt sweetness is... too much.

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to. Can't say I have gotten that obsessed with media like that sadly. I am more of a Podcast/ASMR/Audioplay/Music person buuuut... hm... I mean- does a book I'm writing count??? I have quite a bit of the words of that thing up in the noggin often. It's not done yet but :P.

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend? Oh man. Damien. He is super similar to me in his passion and his love of learning and his general personality (minus the anger, that I am less prone to.) And the other boys up on top of my list I am more queerplatonic about so. :P

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.) Oh no I will ramble about anything at any time. <3 <3 <3. I am not well ever <3.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo. Spicy or Soup chips (Salt and Vineger, Chili/Cheese, etc), often Doritos or Cheetos (or Hickery Sticks if they have them), and either mineral water or an orange Soda/Slushy. And if it's cold I often go chips, sour candy and hot cocoa <3.

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.  Hozier's Unheard and Wasteland Baby. Both have songs I utterly adore.

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why? None. I feel guilty about nothing that I consume <3 <3 <3.

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are! I am a lover of art and the arts, and am actually studying art currently for my major. I would consider myself very much Vampiric in some ways (My disconnect in the way I write/speak from a specific time period or place, humanity is familiar but also fucking weird, the sun burns, I'm dramatic and want the fashion to prove it, blood good (no I won't explain) etc.), and I am a weird philosophical bastard who likes to make characters out of vague concepts, and then explore them to their most painful depth. Also varied morality and/or moral quandaries are very important to me. Morality is a weird soup and I like to play with it. (Ironic since my own morals are so strict and fixed, and yet I love writing characters who have different ones.) Aka Evil Bitches Good. And also I am one of them (if only as a writer. Love writing cruel angst to hurt my friends and characters with <3 <3 <3.) Anyhow that's all for me for now. <3 <3 <3 (Hope this is not too obscenely long.)

Pssssst- .3. Hellooo- I submmited a matchup thing but I think I did an oopsie XD. I'm an Enneagram 5w4 but I think I flipped them. So- just saying that. If it changes anything lol- My baddd- I just noticed when thinking on it. :P

Hmm, this enneagram type is characterized as creative, intelligent, and stubborn, with something to prove to the world- which tracks as you relate to Damien. With that in mind, who else could I pair you with but Huxley?

Huxley is a kind, patient, go with the flow kind of guy but not too silly which you said you don’t vibe with. You give me the impression of an insular, cerebral person, someone with a lot of ideas and thoughts that need to be finalized and put on paper, and Huxley seems like a good partner to help with that, to be your rock (ha) and help you keep those trains of thought on track while also being vocally supportive and hyping up your work the whole time. He’s sweet to you but not so sweet he doesn’t love you and your love of villains and their fucked-up deeds.

And it’s a wonderful love Huxley gives you every day, with the sturdy support and cool shade of a great tree. When you’re studying or doing schoolwork, he’s always there bringing you water or food, massaging your shoulders if you’ve been slouching. He listens to your rambles with rapt attention and affection, retaining every detail. He is your beta reader and biggest fan. He drives you to and from school with a thermos of homemade hot chocolate because his leagues is better than the store-bought stuff, and he won’t let you forget it.

Song:

And I remember being younger and my mother told me the truth/ Find someone who grows flowers in the darkest parts of you/ Take heed when things get hard and don't you ever turn around/ You'll find someone, someday, somewhere that grows you to the clouds

I feel like this song choice needs no explanation. One, the vibes are kind of just right if you’re a Hozier fan; the folk-y, country-like longing is just what the matchmaker prescribed (the matchmaker being me). Two, it’s delightfully charming and ironic given your dislike of the sun and the pet name of Sunflower I will soon have him give you.

Runner-ups:

Cam is a fun runner-up for you because I think he, as a therapist, would have a lot to contribute to your writing and dissection of villains along with the empathy to see the depth and dimension you want to give them. Lasko is another runner-up I like given how much you relate to Damien, because Damien/Lasko has always struck me as a darling pair, two sides of the same coin.

Bonus: (For you, my one hundredth match-up~)

“Sunflower…”

“Fifteen more minutes, Hux; I’ve almost figured this out.”

“You said that forty-five minutes ago, baby,” Huxley says with a soft, warm laugh and big, warmer hands on your shoulders, gently turning your chair around. “It’s time for bed.”

“But my chapter-“ you say with a tone you won’t admit has a hint of a whine.

“Will be there tomorrow,” he interrupts, taking your hand and gently tugging you out of your chair against your weak protests. “And you’ll be able to write and edit it even better once you’ve slept.” You fall into the bed with a fwump, a deep sigh, and a muttered stream of thought falling out your lips like the air out of a balloon. The earth elemental can pick out odd, familiar words in the ramble like “heart”, “stars”, and “Vega” and chuckles as the stream peters off into slow breaths and soft snores. Huxley queues up a familiar YouTube video on the tv, a ten hour loop of light rain showers, and places a blanket over your sprawled, sleeping body.

“Good night, Sunflower,” he says softly, pressing a light kiss on the top of your head before climbing into bed beside you, turning off the light with a fond, content smile.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[twistedastrology]

🪐 my take on the outer planets 🪐

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saturn is constantly given a bad rap just because it does its job- saturn's placement in your chart isn't always a bad thing- it can signify difficulties in that area of your life, yes, but it can also tell you what you have unwavering resolve in (especially if you're saturn ruled or saturn is positively aspected)

for example, my saturn is in my 1st house in leo (cancer rising) and I've seen people say that saturn in the 1st house can indicate a fear of growing old or being lonely, whatever- my personal experience with this placement is, ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you i am fucking petrified of losing myself- losing my mind, losing who i am and dying early are my worst fears (dreams in which im dying are NOT the best ive ever had 😮‍💨)

but as a result of this, i know myself SO well. i do think saturn in the 1st house can indicate issues with finding yourself IF it's afflicted, which mine isn't (thank god 💔💔💔)

im also very scared of growing out of touch with the world around me- dont get me wrong, i love being a hermit, but if im ever that old man that can't understand trends or whatever and is overly cynical of younger generations... dawg- take me the fuck out 😕

uranus i LOOOOVEEEEE and i think it stands for so much more than just rebellion- my uranus has a LOT of power in my chart (so does my neptune but they're in mutual reception 😮‍💨) because my moon is cusped (1° pisces, but i feel both pisces and aquarius influence 💔), and it and my mercury im pretty sure are why i think backwards as fuck- (fun fact, my mercury is FIRMLY direct but it likes to act like it's in retrograde 💔💔💔💔)

but!! more interestingly, i have a very specific mental process where whenever im goin thru it, i cant stay goin thru it for a while- if my brain is fucked up for a little too long and i start getting pissed about it, my uranus takes over and legitimately propels me through the pain in almost an instant. i could be going through something for weeks and once i start getting pissed about it or legitimately bored of it, the next day it's like nothing ever happened BUT i still learned from it

ofc I have to do something to trigger that effect, which is where my mars in cancer comes in and i do a workout to tap into the physical catharsis and BOOM, go to bed and wake up the next day a new man 🙏🙏🙏 god bless 🙏🙏🙏

neptune Ok i am not entirely sure what made whoever said neptune is the higher octave of venus think that but I've never been able to see it. this might be controversial as hell but neptune is the higher octave of the moon to me and jupiter is the higher octave of venus. THAT BEING SAID-

neptune is an absolutely fascinating planet to me lately and im not sure why- i do have a couple transit aspects with it right now but ive wanted to write about it literally all day now- U KNOW i might love it so much bc it's in my 8th house actually that would make sense- ANYWAY-

neptune to me is the source of all the visions from god i get, especially my creative ones- (source: it came to me in a vision from god.) the moon is a very creative placement in my opinion (i have a WILDLY different idea of the moon that i can go over in another post), so neptune follows a similar current, but neptune is higher creativity, higher emotion, etc- it's the planet of spirituality and the absolute depths of our subconscious, like to the point of past lives, that's the kinda shit neptune fucks with

but because it's also the higher octave of the moon, to me it can absolutely represent addictions and vices, everything garbage- personally, my neptune isn't very afflicted at all but i also have a major lack of earth in my chart so i Do find myself experiencing classic neptune-based paranoia sometimes- fuck dude i went neurotic for a week at one point, that was some serious neptune delusion- But my uranus/saturn pulled me back from it, because like i said, saturn makes me petrified of losing myself, so those two joined forces like "ya this shit ain't cool actually take it out back and shoot it"

i might make a post on specifically neptune stuff soon and/or right after this bc the hyperfixation is hyperfixating 💔💔

pluto i FUCK with because it's such a soul searchy planet (my 8th house is very active so ofc i fuck with pluto) in the darkest ways and i love that shit- jonathan davis has his pluto in a fucking mastery degree (29° virgo) and i am to this day like 😦 over it- and it makes SO much sense for him to have PLUTO of all planets in a mastery degree- and i have mine in 26° sag so like im not that far behind... 💔

but dude that's mastery of some SERIOUS transformative powers- that's mastery of the wildly darker shit in life and that is so fucking tight to me- i value that kinda stuff more than anything dude- probably why korn is my fav band (been listening to them as i write this 😭😭)

one thing abt pluto that i DONT agree with tho, and this is more of a scorpio thing BUT i know everyone loves to say scorpios are the sexy signs but dawg... it's cancers... i swear 2 god it's cancers- i will write an entire fucking post on cancers and why i HATE everyone's interpretations of them bc everyone's like "cnanncers are cRYBbaueiis and tHyeyre the most emOtIknal siGnsns 💔💔💔" Bro. Bro. Bro dont do me like that for the love of god. that shit made me hate my rising sign for SO long and also not relate to it!!!! then i started doin my own research and found out "Oh fuck nvm im totally a cancer"

BUT if you look at pluto like the actual God- nowhere in his mythology (that I read anyway- i could be wrong i dont wanna act like i know everything) does it say anything abt him ruling over sex or sumn like that- but everyone says pluto rules over sex!!!!!! Where!!!!!!!!!!! dawg they said he was a god of abundance bc he ruled over the underworld and gems and stuff were found underground 😭😭😭

i do think pluto fucks with taboo shit though But back in the ye olden days when astrology was being developed, sex was not taboo at all, that's a new development that i think uranus fucks with more because uranus is a very future focused planet in my humble opinion

i could definitely keep writing but i think this is already a novel SO- to specify tho, this is all my opinion of the planets, ive read PLEEEEEENTY of books and stuff so by no means do i not know how this shit works, but my uranus makes me rip everything apart and make my own take so 💔

[aliteralsemicolon]

I have more than 3 questions if you are comfortable answering them. I really love your writing style so I would be really greatful if you share your secrets ❤️

What is your writing process like?

How long does one story take to write?

How do you come up with your ideas?

Do you ever run out of ideas?

What is your thought process when writing Spencer? I feel like you capture his energy so well.

Who do you imagine as Reader? I feel like I relate a lot to the Reader in we can't be friends story.

Do you ever get anxious when posting a story?

Sorry if these are too many questions. It may sound strange but I am really fond of how you write and I am an aspiring writer myself, I would appreciate your advice. I am unsure of how to describe, but it feels like you put a lot of love in your characters interacting with each other, if that makes sense? You capture the 'feeling' of love really well. Also English is not my first language I apologise for any mistakes 😅

oh so I can't even begin to describe how incredibly sweet this ask is and how it's left me speechless. truly I was taken aback because I literally never though I'd ever get asked something this touching, and I'm so flattered that you took the time to ask this. also don't worry about your english, you're basically better than I am tbh 😭 anyways essay incoming

my writing process is actually pretty simple. once I have an idea I write it down in my brainstorm doc for later. when I'm ready to write it I make a new doc for that specific fic. then I make a list writing how the story is going to unfold (what the plot will be or what's gonna happen in a scene etc). basically I write anything and everything that comes to mind (scene, dialog, quote, etc). even if it's messy bc I can always sort it out later. once I have that initial planning done I kinda just start writing according to the list. I write as much or as little as my brain feels like, then circle back when more motivation strikes. I also don't always stick 100% to the original list/script because things change and I get new ideas that work better for the story as I write. eventually it all just comes together. once it's done, it's beta read either by me or a kind friend and I just post it with my normal layout.

the amount of time it takes to write a fic depends on a couple of factors. obviously, the length of the actual fic is a big one. I never really know how long or how short a fic is going to be, I kinda just keep writing until I'm happy with how it's unfolded. often times my fics end up being way longer than intended because I'm really bad at writing short form content. also, I can lose interest in a fic pretty fast if I don't emotionally vibe with it. so there's no set answer, it really just depends on circumstance. I've learned to just stop trying to force my pace and let everything flow in its own time.

MUSIC!!! I lovvveeee music (from a listening stand point, I could not produce any part of it to save my life). anything and everything I do creatively sparks from music and how that music associates with an emotion/memory/desire. like for example: we can't be friends. I love that song. I associate the song with feelings of extreme heartbreak masked by delusion. the lyrics are touchy, but the song is upbeat. yet the beat is missing something to me. like it's hollow and what ever it's missing is just within my grasp but I can't reach it (does this even make sense?) and that's how part 1 of wcbf formed. Or malicious compliance is inspired by (TMI!!!) TiO by Zayn because I associate it with a specific memory and so that fic happened. imagining (delusion) is also just one of my strong suits.

no, I've yet to run out of ideas, luckily. I just know that when it does happen it's going to hit me in the fucking ass at my lowest.

absolutely no thought process 💙 I just write him how I want to perceive him and it seems to work out in my favour. Spencer unironically is my type to a fucking T and I know what I want in a partner. what I want magically compliments what Spencer's personality already is. then again, parts of his personality also depend on what season Spencer I'm imagining.

obviously, there are certain aspects of Reader that are parts of me. that can't be helped, as a writer you always project bits and pieces of yourself in there. but Reader is also just as much mixed as whatever type of personality works best to the story, but never in an extreme way. Reader is open to your personal interpretation, there is no one person I imagine to be Reader.

yes ALL THE FUCKING TIME because what if you guys don't fuck with todays tom foolery? what then? thanks for reading my stuff guys <3

and good luck reading this monstrosity. as always ignore all my grammatical errors because I do not proofread my rambles 🙏

also thank you again, anon for your sweet message. I hope I was able to give the answers you were looking for. best of luck for your writing journey :D

[tangentofk]

gonna be raw as fuck, since i haven't slept and my emotions are all over the place.

so, i found my old live journal. that's not the cringey part.

in it, i found the remnants of messages/other blogs of... "people," or maybe I should say, "characters" that I talked with during the time.

a tl;dr of this high school story is that, i'm pretty sure this girl in high school created a bunch of "friends" and role played them on their live journals/had AIM screen names for them. In particular, one was named "Eric" and... god this hurts saying out loud, or rather, typing it to the world, and she used this Persona to flirt with me/get my affection with this person via LJ and AIM. After 3 years of this, I pulled the plug on Eric separately, and kindly told this girl to fuck off cause I couldn't "deal with the drama of her and her friends." I have never spoken to this person since, and I hope to keep it that way.

I never got definitive proof, but there were a few red flags-- i rememeber my one friend got "Eric's number" from this girl, for me to discover she had it saved as her own number in her phone. The fact that Eric always had some reason we never could meet up. How fairy tale/fantastical their lives were and I never could be a part of it.

Why am I typing all this? Because discovering this live journal just opened up the flood gates of all this trauma that... I never fully processed. Or knew what to even do. I was 17-- we didn't even HAVE the word "Catfish" in our dictionary. Whenever the show later showed up, and coined the phrase, i was like "THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME?!?!" Keep in mind, this is internet hay day, out law country, I had no resources to help verify any of what was going on around me... I just... trust what this person was typing on the screen, and what my friend told me IRL in High School/College.

Now here I am, searching through these old archives, trying to remember this story i buried away in my brain to protect myself. I'm finding the moment I first started talking to them... it was right after my jaw got broken my senior year of high school. And you know what this psycho bitch did as a hook for me, knowing I Was reading her Live Journal?

She gave one of these characters a broken jaw too. And i ate it up-- I sympathized, and I reached out to this "person" to send my condolences. She used my trauma to fucking lure me in. This guy was the "boyfriend" of "Eric," and I some how convinced myself "Eric" loved me.

As I dig through these archives, I see this character vague-posting about "this thing i can't talk about" and "he knows my feelings for him."

I was caught-- hook line and sinker, like a fucking catfish.

Funny how all these characters stopped posting around the same time, a year after I stopped communicating with that person from high school.

I know no one reads these long posts.

But this... this needed to be typed out.

I never vocalized this to anyone. Ever. Even the people who KNEW "Eric" and "Dave" and "John" in my core friend group. They knew of them bc i talked about them all the time... I was obsessed.

I thought I was in love. I told this figment of a girls imagination that I loved them. There's so much more to this story, and I'm actively forgetting/remembering it all at once... and i'm really going through it right now.

And that's completely fucked me up for a long time, guys.

[idsb]

I once thought my life was a movie in the worst way. I once had main character syndrome in the most toxic iterations you could imagine it manifesting in. I watched things burn and burn and burn and I figured they would always work out because they always did, and I was me, and they had to. things happened so wildly no writer could've been genius enough to script them. each day was a new adventure. a lot of you watched it unfold. the one where she goes to Australia, the one where she fucks a guy on her friends couch, the one where somehow the fallout of this is funny, the one where she's drinking wine into her webcam and cursing them all for being mad at her and somehow it makes sense to you, the reader. the one where she drives to Florida for a hookup and winds up being paid by a prostitution ring leader laundering money on the run from the FBI (yes, this happened). The one where her roommates kick her out and it actually somehow works out for the best. the one where the toxic friend she was pretty toxic to as well got what. was coming.

the world put character armor around me, and I was its beloved Arya Stark. It stayed this way even through the worst of the pandemic. Somehow in the darkest hour of my life I found love. Somehow, in the darkest hour of my life, the gentlest soul I knew and the only guitarist I worked with who had been too decent a human being to want anything to do with me added his notch into my bedpost, too. And somehow, the girl who's broken heart had half the pieces still splintered across the Pacific Ocean, and the boy who's heart was shattered to pieces over the most insufferable woman alive, who made me borderline hate him as a result, found each other as the world crashed and burned. and we held onto each other as tight as we could as the ashes and rubble poured down around us. It was beautiful.

and then. and then, and then, and then.

this is the part that the people who followed me here don't know. this is when I stopped posting about my life. because we had started having feelings for each other. equally, simultaneously. like snow on the beach. flying in a dream. because the emotional flood gates opened a hundred deep conversations later and it was said, "I can't keep falling for you if I have to worry I'm a character for Taylor Swift fans on Tumblr to root for or turn against". and I said that made sense and it was fair.

so I held all this in. I held it all in and ultimately I think it is destroying my relationship now because it is still there bubbling under everything. because I never processed it. because I have video diaries where I watch it all fall apart. because I have a 4 hour video diary livestream of this going down that I get to sit sick to my stomach with every single time my brain wanders too far because I was in the middle of recording a video diary when it all started and the night became too dramatic as it all unfolded to hit pause, and now I have nothing but the spot where acid rain washed away the story I was the main character of, where it was always building towards something and I always got to win. where it all crumbled and died.

our quarantine pod consisted of 5 people. myself, and a boy I'd semi-illicitly been hooking up with, one tie to my old friend group - the one filled with people I'd backstabbed and hated who kind of backstabbed and probably hated me right back; E, and her 2 best friends, B (f) and N (m).

On my webcam, at home, I am smiling like a giddy schoolgirl. The world is ending and I've just been kicked out of my dream apartment and lost my then-closest friends. But instead of caring I'm nervously wondering if I said too much. Sending a text and throwing my phone across the room and covering my eyes. Reading a text aloud from him that says we're on the same page. A serendipitous bliss so deeply shielded from everything else in the lonely basement I'd moved into. Watching that same page progress into more and more real feelings as the weeks and the pandemic ran on. Burning sweet nothings I hadn't heard the likes of in my whole life into the back of my mind. Thinking I should pinch myself every waking second because how could it all seem so pure and so real when everything in the world was supposed to be so lifeless and black? I started recording video diaries so I could see in past relationships when I was being gaslighted. And I do have that. But mostly I have a fossil of the most hopeful naiveté I will ever have. This is my restaurant.

Everyone saw the chemistry between us. everyone saw the way we leaned on each other. everyone saw the sly looks we gave whenever someone made any kind of sexually suggestive joke. no one knew that I drove back and forth from Massachusetts to New York every other night to see him. No one knew I turned around and snuck into his basement after every hike we all went on together when they all got in their cars. But they knew. They knew.

And then one day, he ran into the ex I mentioned. He said he wasn't phased by this. He went through a literal New Moon Bella 4 month montage over this girl. He was me for Australia over this girl. He was phased. And then, suddenly, a talk about our feelings we were supposed to meet up and have was "accidentally" forgotten about and never brought back up.

And then it started out with a joke. We climbed a mountain one day in June. And B said, "now I have to mount ____ next". and most of us laughed. He laughed. Our other 2 friends laughed. She didn't laugh. I didn't laugh. Convincingly. And then she said it the next day. On the next hike. and the next one. and the next one. I had a panic attack and was dry heaving in our mutual friend E's house because I couldn't even drive anymore because I had so much anxiety from it. Because she was trying to fake the chemistry he and I had, like gently waking someone up by smacking them in the head with a crowbar. It was embarrassing. I later learned everyone talked about it behind her back and agreed it was embarrassing. But I never won anything and I was so deeply fucked up from so much else. I knew it'd bite me eventually. I just had to swim in the trauma induced, self-fulfilling prophecy of paranoia and non-existent self esteem until it did.

And then, on the evening of June 21, 2020, she sent a text in our group chat. "Did you guys know that self timer elevates nudes to the next level?" This was when I was in the middle of recording a video journal. Suddenly the giggles were wondering why he wasn't gripping my hand as tightly anymore. Snippets of written songs I'd soon stop writing about how everyone always leaves when they see enough of me. Blaming myself for saying too much or being too vulnerable when no one could actually ever love me. I specifically said, "if this bitch tries something and puts the final nail in this coffin I am going to backflip out this window, walk my ass back to New York, fling myself into the Hudson River, and die."

Well. She sent the self timer nudes. Right into the fucking group chat. Without anybody acknowledging her or asking for them. The entire concept of subtlety died that night.

I threw my dignity into the fucking dumpster right along with it and sent my own nudes in the group chat to remind him I still existed. I spent an hour painstakingly taking them to tear her self esteem to fucking shreds. my hands were shaking each time I clicked the shutter. I watched N awkwardly try and diffuse the obvious tension by making everyone vote for who took the better picture. He voted for me. I watched him invite her over anyway. in the group chat. I watched her say she was on her way. In the group chat. I told myself they were joking. I spent 2 hours, on video, because like I said I'd left it rolling, telling myself they were joking, believing it less and less as the minutes tick by. I've played it back twice in full since and, watching my state of mind and confidence deteriorate is the hardest thing to watch in the entire fucking world. Brilliance beyond scriptable in a different way that the glory I was used to. The way I have it on camera is a brutal, cinematic masterpiece.

As I spiraled I called the mutual friend in the pod, E. Told her everything. Completely info-dumped on her. It, in the end, ruined our friendship due to the cornucopia of bullshit that stemmed from this. Was hyperventilating on the phone to her for hours still. Until I got a text: "yes, B and I had sex. It was fun. But it wasn't..... I did it because I'm single and I wanted to see what it was like. But it wasn't the same as with you" and then going on and on to say that there weren't feelings there.

Saying you're single but then admitting it's not the same because there aren't feelings. What a filthy, August-coded, literally everything wrong with this day and age-esque thing to say. The authority to cheat on me without having the moral implications of it, really.

I got off the phone with her and I yelled at him and I yelled at the webcam and I sobbed and sobbed for hours more. He got it but I don't know if he really did. Then we went on a roadtrip to spend the rest of lockdown living out of a van with our 2 other best friends or whatever the hell, and the tensions from it and what it did to E's perception of him tore apart that friendship for both of us, and I made myself sick to my fucking stomach every waking moment he was near another girl and sort of made it E's problem but that's sort of.... what friends are for, right? I eventually kept hooking up with him because, well. Because of the same problem I had for all of 2019 and 2020, really. I liked sex and had no self esteem. And as the roadtrip went on I grew to love him.

I was writing a song about how free it felt to hold his hand driving down Santa Monica Boulevard the day before with the sun roof down eating ice cream, crafting a chorus in my head (the hook was "you're a pastel Santa Monica sky and I'm / wildfires flaring in your eyes, whatever it takes to feel alive / just here on the freeway you and I"). It's what was playing in my head when he pulled over in Big Sur. When he told me it all needed to stop because it was too much. Time stopped. I stood on the cliffs looking at the turquoise waters felt all the hope fading from me like it did from the grey clouds lingering over the sky. The salt air whipped by my face and I got the taste of tears even though I was too sad for them to even fall. He was mean as hell to me for 3 days. I cried for those 3 days. Eventually apologized and said he was subconsciously doing it to achieve distance. Then we started having sex again. We had lots of deep conversations rationalizing it all. It all made sense. He wasn't over his ex and couldn't handle this and didn't want to hurt me. But I still cried every day the rest of the trip.

When we were home the first weekend, I felt like his girlfriend. I slept curled up against him while he played video games. We made cookies. The next we didn't even kiss. I have a hundred drafted notes app docs telling him off. Trying to keep track of what was real and what wasn't so I could convince myself the 'on' of it all was my imagination over-doing it, or maybe the bad was. I never became convinced of either. Just more angry and more confused. We went on a trip to Maine and I told him I loved him and we needed to just be together. that I couldn't take it anymore. He said no. This was the first I learned he was openly sleeping with other people the whole time. I absolutely fucking lost it. I thought we were dating all but in name and it was some formalities and my anxiety. Imagine being told to your face you're being cheated on but you're technically not so you have to just say okay. I didn't. I cried for 4 fucking hours - ugly crying, right up in his face, and then was told I overreacted and believed it because I was in love and had low self esteem. He asked if I wanted to know the details. I said no and I wish I hadn't, because maybe I'd have ever felt some more resolve if I did. maybe I knew I'd have gotten SO angry I would've left, and I didn't want to have to. And then instead of having the guts to end it, I, sad and low-self esteem and in love and liking sex, tried to say forget I said anything. He had to be the one to call it off.

We got home and kept in contact and first he then tried to hook up again and I had to say no. then he ghosted me for 2 weeks because this ex hit him up. then, finally, once he got over that, I took him on a trip to stargaze to make up for what happened in Maine. And that's when he said he was ready. And he's been nearly perfect in every single way since that moment.

So, anyway. I'm angry. It's been 2 and a half years and we've spent at least 15 hours of our lives talking about it and are very much in love and yet I'm still viscerally angry if my brain touches any of it with a 10 foot pole. I feel embarrassed to be in a relationship that I'm only in because I had a complete lack of dignity even though so much about that relationship now eclipses all of that a hundred thousand suns over - or it should. I feel robbed of a fairytale ending but I still have a fairytale person. So why do I still feel resentment over this? How do I make it go the ever-loving FUCK away? I'm over it. I want to be over it. I don't want this acid raincloud over me anymore. I want back the perfect story it washed away. It was so much rage and angst and turmoil leading up to the sweetest ending at the middle of the worst of the pandemic and instead it ended in the most anticlimactic melodramatic alternate ending it possibly could've. it should feel like I rode off into the sunset with The One. Because, in the end, that's what I did. So why are we trudging along near a swamp one mile from town? Someone change my fucking perspective like the way only the people on this hellsite can because I'm fucking tired of harboring all of this and I'm tired of wondering if I'm subconsciously causing problems in our relationship because I'm stuck on all of this. I just wanted the happy ending with fireworks and the author just forgot about me and stopped writing. This is all so three dimensional and we're all 3 dimensional people but it's stained across my deeply 2 dimensional world that never got to be resolved like it was supposed to first.

[camillewasthere]

april 28 2024

It's 10pm and I'm about to get high. In a few weeks i'll be 32 years old. What a wild time.

When I got back from the gym today I was looking at baby pictures of Jannika and I. I look at baby version of me and I get kinda sad. I'm looking at a girl with not a clue what's in store. I want to protect the baby version of me from the world. It's sad to realize how things happen. That in order to be a well rounded person, you have to experience all things.

One memory I think about a lot when I was a child was when I got little papers, scissors and random art supplies and put it in a little ziploc. I wanted to hide it for some reason. I don't know who would want to look for a ziploc bag of art supplies. I decided to hide it on top of my uncle/grandma's vanity which was high as fuck. Probably a foot awat from the ceiling. When I tried to hide it, the bag fell. And I never found it again.

I was such a shy child. I always made sure to be mindful. To be aware. I was always watching everyone else. Always conscious of the space I took. Never feeling part of the crowd. Somehow always fake. Just observing. I love baby me. And I think if baby me knew the person I would become, she would be proud. She would want me to be happy and chose the road that brings fulfillment. She would probably think I was pretty. She would probably watch me do my makeup. She would be content with just being there with me.

I have been in my head a lot lately. Constantly strategizing. Thinking about what's next. What move is the right move. It's funny how much it consumes me. But how little I convey on the outside. People only see the product but never realize how long the process took.

Moving up to the bay area has been weighing heavily on my mind. Last time I went to visit I remember how much I liked being there. It felt more home-y to me.

Cons: It's colder Bears on hikes lol Probably more expensive Miss Daniela!

Pros: Better food Paid more Shady hikes Probably find the loml lol New cities to explore Easy way to go north or south to go on trips Less white people lol

Wow putting it out on a list like this actually makes it seem way more desirable. I can't wait to find a place I can furnish. With a washer dryer. No carpet. I'm so excited.

Before I end this I do want to at least talk about how i've been feeling.

It's been almost 6 months since the break up. He's still living here until our lease is over at the end of June. It's a conflicting feeling. Every day that gets closer, the more nervous I get about the plan with the dogs. But when I think about him being gone, all I can feel is excited. It's like I can finally be free of that energy. I can't wait to fix up my space. To be in my thoughts alone at home. So happy I have the dogs to protect me and keep me company. I don't really feel lonely. I know that will likely change once he's actually out of here. But for a long time before we broke up I was already doing so many things alone. It's liberating to be single honestly. I have almost zero desire to be with anyone. I say almost because I continue to be intrigued by the idea of Lori and Bre's friend and I being together. I don't want to imagine this as something more than it is, which is literally nothing lol. But it does seem like a possibility. I have to let my mind leave it at that. Old me would continue to obsess. New me wants to focus on what is good for me. What will make me happy. Because ultimately I want to be able to be so content with myself that anyone who seeks after me will only be an addition. I've settled for soooo long with too many guys that weren't right for me, whether they were good or bad. There's a reason they all didn't work out. Including long lost air force man. I need to allow my brain to understand that concept. The common denominator with all of those relationships is me. My physical self would constantly make deals with my emotional self that would lead to me staying for longer than I should have.

What's wild is, despite all the break up's i've had, I think the one with flannel mustache boy was the worst of the worst. Thinking about that relationship makes me wanna throw up to be honest. He was so handsy and gross. So flashy. Literally i'm barfing right now imagining how others saw us.

Anyway, yeah I'm stoked to be on my own. I love being home alone. Having a space all to myself is gonna be such a nice little vacation.

xx me

[faunabel]

another vent/neg post. sorry i try not to post them too often.

i'm so tired of my mom dismissing my feelings and making me feel like shit yet if i get rightfully angry she says i'm overreacting and she didn't do anything wrong

maybe because this is the millionth fucking time you do the same shit over and over and my threshold of tolerance has reached its limit

i hate being scared that communicating my feelings and needs with people is too much and i'm always going to be the problem because i'm not easy enough or important enough to be worth anyone's time or accommodation

i can't deal with her denial making me question my sanity and my amnesia makes me unable to fully remember what happened to gauge the situation

just another day angrily crying alone i guess

if my entire family gets along fine and i hate all of them doesn't that make me the problem? haha

i really don't want to be here i want to deserve better but i'm so scared i'm just a needy bitch and normal people brush everything off and don't need to communicate their feelings so i'm just the problem how am i just supposed to let shit slide like everyone else i'm tired of letting things slide why is it so wrong to communicate when i'm upset and get an apology for once instead of fucking excuses and claims that i'm the problem for being too SeNsiTiVe

and now the new one is that i'm quick to anger :) but maybe if this wasn't the MILLIONTH fucking time we've had this exact. fucking. conversation. i wouldn't immediately get pissed the fuck off. have your worthless little pea brain ever fucking considered that.

ugh. sorry i forgot i'm not allowed to be angry or any negative emotion around you ever :)

oh to have just one person i feel safe around and cared for by that'd be great but instead i'm just all alone like always

i have yummy food but i'm too upset for it to make me feel any better :(

i don't understand anymore why i've been so neurotic in the past. surely things haven't been so bad for me to scream in emotional agony or physically fight to keep my parents away from me. it can't be that bad i just have to be overreacting. maybe i'm just a freak.

it's just so funny how you think crying will make someone come help you, but they never come. they watch and they avoid and they berate you but they never help. they don't care. i was a fool. always too much for anyone with these emotions. just sit and be happy and shut up.

now i'm probably dissociating because i'm referring to myself in second person. oh well. i don't know how to process this emotion, anyway.

[gncrevan]

cw: depp/heard trial, abuse

.

if johnny depp defenders can go on all day about how he's just like them forreal because they were also completely falsely accused of being a bad person once uwu, then so can i, here goes:

no matter what you think of amber heard, the shit you're doing to and saying about her on the internet right now is fucking triggering to survivors and you need to stop. you are so convinced that you're justified because you think you know she's lying, but you don't. you don't know. you can't know. you're basing your conviction on how she divulges information, that her memory isn't always entirely complete and correct, how she performs her grief; and i'm here to tell you that all of these are things survivors do.

trauma is locked behind layers of dissociation. that means memory is altered, distorted, distant. some things are perfectly in focus while some cannot be recalled. time and place is often unclear. and i wanna emphasize, even normal non-traumatic memory is notoriously unreliable. add to that the way fear responses affect the encoding of memories and you end up with something "fragmented, associated with intense arousal, readily primed and triggered, and poorly contextualized into memory".

another effect of this is the division of narrative memory and emotional memory. that means on the one hand you may have poorly intelligible (for yourself and others) emotional fragments floating around in your brain, that can be triggered easily and lead to flashbacks or meltdowns. on the other hand, you may be able to recall something traumatic with clarity, but without emotion, or with a poor connection to the emotion.

when the brain processes hugely painful and scary experiences, it often gets tripped up and doesn't fully integrate them. you can think of it like the different things that make a memory - outside narrative, thoughts, physical sensations, emotions - getting stored in separate boxes instead of coming together to make a whole.

therefore it's not uncommon for survivors to recount traumatic events like they're talking about the weather, or for their emotional reaction to their own story to seem mismatched or disconnected, or for them to mix up the exact order of events, or for them not to recall everything (such as, "i was in the kitchen and then i was in the bathroom and i don't know how i got there or how much time passed"). their expressions and gestures may not fit the emotion you would expect given the topic (not to mention, all humans emote differently and body language analysis is junk science).

it's also exceedingly hard to talk about painful, intimate things while people and in this case even cameras are watching you. you are very aware of their expectations of how you perform your trauma. expecting any person to behave natural and authentic under this sort of pressure is asinine. having to restate your trauma over and over again is hard enough, being judged for it and knowing there are people watching, ready to tear you apart, is at best triggering and at worst retraumatizing.

the expectations you are projecting onto amber in order to be a "convincing" victim cannot be met by a real person. victims forget, victims show disparate emotions. victims also very often, both during and after the abuse, exhibit irrational and erratic behaviour, they might become aggressive and fight back against their abuser, taunt them, provoke them, even attack them; or lash out at others. none of that makes their claims of abuse false.

this is the personal part, i cut a lot of what i originally wrote because it felt too intimate, but i wanna try: my trauma doesn’t look like amber's, but my experiences of gaslighting and victim blaming are starkly reflected back at me in the way she is treated by media and observers. every time i tried to go up against what was happening to me, or reach out to a person of authority to help, it was turned on its head. my pleading, my crying, my detachment, my aggression, my confusion - all were taken as justification to either say that i was causing it, i was to blame, or that it wasn't happening, i was imagining and misinterpreting things, i was making things up, i was a liar. to this day i sit in therapy and have to hear my therapist tell me that my emotional expressions don't feel authentic, and i know it's because i can't connect to them, i can't touch them, i'm floating somewhere above my head, i'm always watching myself. i know that if i were sitting in a courtroom to try and prove what people did to me, i wouldn't remember it right, i wouldn't show the right emotions, i would try to overcompensate and come off as fake.

regardless of what you think of amber, abuse survivors are reading your posts and seeing your videos, and the message we receive is very clear: that you wouldn't believe us if we spoke out, because we can never be the kind of victim you deem acceptable and believable.

as a survivor, you really can't win. whatever you do will be used against you.

.

more about trauma (pdfs):

trauma and recovery

the body keeps the score

cptsd - from surviving to thriving

.

terfs dni, i'm trans & not aligned with you

[thechangeling]

According to you

In honor of disability pride month. Also to my fellow ADHD peeps I HIGHLY reccomend you listen to According to you by Oranthi.

Cw: Internalized ableism

It's a mess. A catastrophe. A fucking swirling giant black hole of words and concepts and shit that straight up just don't make sense.

Kit sat on his bed in his room at Cirenworth trying not to let his emotions spiral into fucking oblivion as he did his science homework. Or at least was trying to.

Trying being the key word here.

It was annoying because normally if he found the right way to make his brain process the information then it wasn't that complicated. But the font on these textbooks is small and cramped together and sentences bleed and crash into each other like a giant tsunami or some shit and Kit's just left with this overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

The same helplessness he felt in his classes, trying to listen to the teacher and actually do what he was supposed to be doing for once but then like always his mind would just end up wandering without his permission. He would just drift off and float away, not taking in anything the teacher had said. And now here he is, left with his confusion and his crushing stupidity.

So stupid  His brain reminded him. He is so fucking stupid. Worthless waste of space.

Kit took a deep breath and tried to refocus on the page in front of him, tapping his fingers on the illustration of cells. He hummed under his breath to calm himself, Knights of Cydonia by Muse.

He couldn't help but think that if Ty were here he could probably explain it in a way that made sense. Kit waved that thought away. Kit had been struggling in school for a while now but this past term had just really taken the cake. Junior year was kind of a hellscape, his friends agreed, but Kit seemed to be struggling more.

He kinda saw this coming seeing as he had literally homeschooled himself for the majority of his life because Johnny didn't care enough to do it himself. His heart squeezed a little at the memory of his father and how he just never really gave a crap. It had taken a long time for Kit to stop blaming himself and start feeling anger towards Johnny for what happened. Therapy and talking to Tessa and Jem helped, but there was still this nagging feeling deep down that he didn't deserve this kindness, this kind of care.

Like it was all an illusion or a trick, or they just wanted something from him. He still had the urge to transform, to try and become whatever they wanted to make them happy. It was an urge that, according to his therapist would fade with time.

Kit wasn't so sure. Sometimes it just like he was going around in circles.

His angsty spiral was interrupted by the sound of his ringtone telling him he got a text. He sighed, exasperated and flung his textbook closed, picking up his phone.

Nessie: Hey I got a gig tonight u wanna come?

Nessie: Mari and Lizzie are coming

Crap. Kit desperately wanted to go. Music was his cure-all for feeling like shit and he always wanted to hang out with his friends. But there was no way he could make it and get his homework done.

Stupid brain.

Kit: sorry I can't 😔

Kit: got too much hw 🤮

He knew Nessie would get it, but still. He forced himself to put his phone down and turn back to what he was attempting to read. He had seven questions from the textbook to do. Technically that wasn't not too bad. It shouldn't take that long, and yet.

Kit had been there for three fucking hours.

He stuck his pencil in his mouth and begun to chew. His text notification beeped again.

He tried to ignore it. He really did.

It didn't work.

Kit grabbed his phone, feeling a weird sense of anxiety brewing in his gut for some reason. He knew Nessie wouldn't be mad but he was still afraid.

Nessie: Do u need help?

So so much. Like everyday all of the time. But Kit couldn't tell her that.

Kit: no offense but didn't u barely graduate?/lh 

Nessie: Fuck you/lh Do u want my help or not?

Kit laughed out loud. There's never been a mood so sour that his best friend couldn't pull him out of it. He was kind of not feeling great about the idea of Nessie helping him because the two of them together had a tendency to get side tracked and she had a gig to get to.

But he felt crushed and empty and overwhelmed. He can admit that he needed help. More importantly he needed her.

Kit: ok sure 😊

Kit: thanks nessie 🥰

Nessie: Don't mention it love.

Janessa moved fast, being a vampire and all so it didn't take her long to get to Kit's house. He played some music from his phone while he waited, The Pretty Reckless. He had just started Medicine when he heard a knock on his bedroom window.

His friend was eagerly perched on his windowsill wearing what Kit assumed was her outfit for the gig tonight, black leather pants, a tight black halter top with metal chains holding the fabric of the two sides of the shirt together, and what probably passed in Nessie's mind as reasonable heels. Simple black boots that are only four inches.

Her long dark curls billowed around her in the wind which seemed to be pretty harsh. But Kit knew Nessie wouldn't suffer the cold. She knocked more impatiently against the glass and Kit paused his music, getting up to push the window open.

"Finally!" She groaned, leaping down into his room with all the grace of a creature of the night. "I was out there for fucking forever."

Kit playfully rolled his eyes. "It was literally only two seconds. You're just impatient as shit Nessie."

She glared at him in a nonthreatening way. "Hey I'm the one who ran all way here. I did exercise for you! Exercise Christopher!" Her lips turned up slightly as though she were trying not to laugh.

Kit snorted. "You're a vampire, babe, nothings exercise for you anymore," he pointed out.

Nessie shifted on her feet and crossed her arms in that the way she did when she didn't want to admit she was wrong. "Yeah whatever."

"So what's this crap?" She bounced herself onto his bed and picked up his textbook.

"That's the source of my crushing defeat," he grumbled, flopping back down. "I just can't get my brain to work."

"Mood," Nessie said with a smirk. She had ADHD which she was still unmedicated for seeing as vampires couldn't take any medications and she hadn't been diagnosed until it was too late. Until she was already dead.

She had told him about feeling such intense mood switches that sometimes she could hardly control, being distracted by everything to the point where sometimes she couldn't concentrate on anything and having periods of being stuck where her brain just wouldn't let her do anything. It all sounded a little frighteningly familiar.

But he wasn't like that. Kit didn't have ADHD. He wasn't struggling that badly, it was still manageable. Sort of. Things were just really shitty sometimes.

Nessie sighed. "Ok. This doesn't make any sense."

Kit groaned. "See I told you!" He ran his hand through his hair frantically. "It's fucking senseless! Or maybe I'm just fucking stupid. I know that's probably what my teacher thinks."

Nessie's head snapped up. "What? The fuck did they say?" Kit could see her fangs through her snarl. She was getting into full protective Janessa mode.

Kit moaned softly, burying his face in his hands. "Oh you know," he rubbed his face. "Just that I should have been paying attention the first time. And he said that if I wasn't always zoning out in class then maybe I would have a better grasp of the material."

"Jackass," she hissed, tossing the book to the ground. "Don't listen to that prick he doesn't know you."

Kit brought his knees up to his chest. "I don't know. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough."

Janessa had a strange look on her face, almost like she was trying to suppress an emotion that wasn't on brand. One that showed vauneability. She shook her head, bitting her lip. "No, Kit-Kat you're doing the best you can with what you're got. Believe me I know."

Kit felt tears form in his eyes. "But it's not good enough. It's never good enough."

And that's when Nessie broke, throwing her arms around him and pressing him to her chest. Her bones were digging into him and his cheeks were burning from the tears sliding down his face but he felt safe.

He felt loved.

Janessa always claimed that she wasn't an affectionate person, that she didn't like being soft. It seemed like Kit was her Achilles Heel. "You are good enough, always," she murmered. "More then good enough for me. Fuck everybody else."

They clung to each other in silence. Two broken battered and unwanted souls. Unsure of how to love, but trying anyways.

Kit eventually pulled himself away. "You're gonna miss your gig. Think of all those poor queer alt rock fans you'll be letting down."

Nessie snorted. "Yeah well, too fucking bad. You and I are gonna sit here and figure out what the hell symbiosis even if it kills me."

"You're already dead."

"You know what I mean," she grumbled, prompting up Kit's textbook on her knees. "Do you think it would help if I got my phone to read it out to you? Like an audiobook?"

Why the fuck hadn't he thought of that?

"I mean maybe?" Kit sighed. "Sorry I just feel so stupid."

"Hey!" She chastised him. "You are not stupid. You are incredibly fucking smart. You just have a different learning style and nobody doing shit to support that. Also I know you don't wanna hear this but you probably have ADHD."

Kit pouted. He really didn't feel like having this conversation again. "Nessie can you please just help me get this done?"

She looked like she wanted to argue but decided against it. "Fine. Game faces on. Let's get it done." She picked up her phone.

Kit nodded, picking up his notebook and pencil. "Hey Nessie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

She smirked. "Don't mention it Kit-Kat." She scrolled through her phone, probably looking for the textbook online so google could read it out loud. She began to hum under her breath.

Kit recognized the song. Not right away but as an old song he only partially remembered the words to. But the more he thought about the more it came back.

I'm a mess in a dress can't show up in time, even if it would save my life, according to you, according to you.

But according to him-

Kit felt a grin spread across his face. Nessie wasn't looking at him but he could see she was smiling too.

But according to her...

Btw if you aren't a part of online neurodivergint circles, the tone tag lh stands for lighthearted.

Zia if you catch the slight Eight reference in this fic, I will be super happy.

Tagging: @lavender-scented-rat   @littlx-songbxrd    @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @phoenix-and-dragon @amchara @wagner-fell @sandersgrey @the-wckd-powers @spooky-drusilla @ellexu

[flyingspicerack]

Thoughts on Myc's Powers

resposting cause too many bad words before lol

I have my own headcanons, workings, and ideas of how Myc's powers work, so I wanted to write down my interpretation. I've watched inside job probably at least a hundred times over so I've put a lot of thought into this.

There is a lot of info so all of this will be under a read more!!

Myc, without touching appears to be able to detect strong emotional outputs and thoughts on the surface level. It all has to do with the strength of the emotion and thought, as well as the proximity.

Here are some examples of Myc gathering thoughts while NOT touching:

S1E1: -Myc bringing up the concept of putting rat poison into Brett's coffee and Reagan considering it -Myc being able to sense across the table that Glenn is repressing how attracted he is to Brett's little workout promo photos

S1E4: -Myc being able to specifically sense that Brett fucked Glenn's Ex, assuming hes reading the specific anger Glenn feels and the fear and guilt Brett feels

Myc, while touching seems to be able to dig deep into the subconscious or to thoughts not currently being thought about, as well as memories, since memories are tied to thoughts

Examples of WHILE touching:

S1E1: -Brett memorizing Dane Cook routines -Reagan specifically feeling threatened by Brett

S1E4: -Reagan specifically thinking about the older brother from Boy Meets World

S1E5: -Touching Kevin's forehead before pushing him to the ground, unknown what's being read, but Myc is mind reading nonetheless

S1E6: -Reagan's mind full of negative scenarios causing Myc to go sicko mode (he flickers in and out of vibrancy, flails around, and bashes his head into the table before collapsing out of view. i personally believe he was being silly goofy and being over dramatic and pretending to faint, going overboard with the reaction of what he saw, not sure if that was the intention of that bit tho)

Other things of note

-I believe it canon that Myc can only read deep thoughts when touching the head specifically. When reading minds, his flagella turns pink when he uses his powers and that only happens when he's touching someone's head.

-I believe that when he does the touch mind reading, he can go as shallow or as deep as he wants, he can find specific thoughts or search a broad spectrum.

-He's also not a human and probably has way more brain power and capacity as humans do, so he can probably hold more information at once

-He produces bio-cerebrate/psilocybin, part of me wants to think that his liquid is treated or processed in some way before being used in the memory erasers, but not too sure on if that's the case

-HE HAS 2 GOO COLORS?! Okay so this has been driving me insane. Yes he has his blue/green goo thats in several episodes, however in S1E4 after he and Andre are thrown out of the HR meeting, the duo high fives and Myc leaves a PINK residue on Andre's hand. We never see that again, what the hell is it?! I have started a headcanon that the blue is always his liquid he produces in his tank and the pink is like, a film/residue that can build up on him… Then again if that was the case, he'd be leaving behind a trail of pink goo… Idk abt the pink honestly, if anyone knows anything lmk

-I honestly love that in S1E5 when Myc gets his temporary amnesia, his moral compass isnt reset, I genuinely love the fact that he's still an egotistical jerk even when he doesn't know who he even is

S1E9

-His powers are depleted when he looses too much of his psylocibin aka: if he secretes too much he can't read minds anymore

-I'm unsure if he gained the knowledge of all the secrets he learned from the passive, non-touching mind reading, or the tentacle to head contact. Gigi and Andre hooking up at the company Christmas party, Brett thinking Tamiko is hot, Reagan's Carl Sagan thing, and Glenn's dreams.

OR it could be that he's reading all of their minds at once in that scene and just picking out some things he feels right then and there, however I don't think that's the case while looking at the evidence I've already pointed out.

-Lastly, the only other thing I have to say is about how POTENT his secretions/blood is. The psilocybin I mean, I timed it, I timed how fast it took to hit Andre in S1E6 and it literally only took a minute and a half for that shit to hit him, it normally takes at LEAST 30mins to kick in.... So he's got that crazy shit

Anyway, I just did this for fun, have too much time, and like Myc way too much, causing me to think about tiny details like this. Hope ya'll enjoyed

[syubub]

What makes BTS most vulnerable

Woo! A reading! I wanted to do this bc its been on my list for a little while now!

I just got off work and wanted to do this asap! Pls forgive mistakes! I'm not gonna proof read bc im lazy.

Cheeky disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes and not to be taken as fact! This is my interpretation of the cards!!

So so so so

First off, I did each member and also one for the group! I didn't have a specific plan in mind when I started, so I just went with the flow!

Let's start with the group first

So. The 5 of pentacles is what makes them most vulnerable. This card talks about isolation, feeling lost, anxiety, not having money or influence. Most of all, a mindset of lack.

All of this to me makes me think that what makes them most vulnerable is the fear of being right back where they started. Feeling exiled from the industry, not having the funds to be sure of a stable future and also not having a strong sense of identity as a group and within the group. It's like their vulnerability comes from something almost like ptsd? Let me try to make that make more sense. I genuinely think that where they started and the uncertainty and constant ridicule really had an impact on them. The vulnerability they have as a group is essentially emotional distress? Like, I wish I had better words to explain. It's the fear that they haven't actually grown or gotten anywhere and that they are insignificant that is their vulnerability. Fear based on where they started?

I really hope that made sense. Moving on though, 7 of swords is how it manifests for them. This card is sneaky. It talks about getting away with something and betrayal but I think this meaning is the most relevant: strategic moves. So how their vulnerability manifests is that the fear that they have causes them (and the company) to make very specific moves to keep their fears from happening. It's like, they take steps to make sure their fears don't get realized. Career wise but also personally. They can sometimes force growth because they fear stagnation. Kinda like rolling something uphill? Once it loses momentum it starts rolling back down.

The other two cards, Wellness and busy times and multitasking, are what they can do to lessen that vulnerability. Keeping healthy in mind body and spirit (also keeping the group bond healthy too) as well as channeling their emotions and fears into productivity. (Think the ly:tear album)

Seokjin

This is really intresting. So, what makes him most vulnerable is repressed emotion that causes inner turmoil. The moon is all about your insides and the vastness it has. In its reverse it talks about the darker parts of your subconscious. So, him bottling shit up and repressing it becomes a monster that affects him without him even necessarily knowing.

As for how that manifest in his life, it literally affects his judgment. Like, literally. It messes with his decision making.

As a fellow human with a similar problem, I can almost bet that any issue he has with another member will be shoved away and it will fester until he's at his breaking point and he'll absolutely weaponize it but disguise it as "just poking fun" or he might also purposefully create low level chaos. It's really intresting because this could manifest in so many ways. It could be his insecurities, issues with other people, fears ect and they fester in his brain space fucking with his judgment.

What he can do to lessen this vulnerability is deep emotional healing. Istg these cards are too perfect to make up. He needs to do THE WORK and heal it. He probably recognizes this and is working on it. Its not fair to himself to put himself aside in order to put other people first. (I think this probably happened a lot in the early bts days bc he had to be an older brother and a responsible figure to 6 other kids so he prioritized group harmony over his own issues and emotions)

Yoongi

????

Um, okay. So what makes yoongi most vulnerable is the dark side of wealth. That's the 10 of pentacles rev. But it gets interesting bc the 10 of swords isn't what makes him vulnerable but it also isn't how it manifests?? So here's my theory time. What makes him most vulnerable is the dark side of wealth. I can only assume that it's the isolation and internal conflict of benefiting off of a system that fucked you over in the first half of your life and also feeling bad for having wealth that most people can never imagine? I really don't know? But with the 10 of swords talking about betrayal and deep wounds, it could be that he's extremely afraid of being taken advantage of? Like, that's another downside of wealth. Maybe people have tried to use him for money or influence? Especially in his personal life. Like, he probably finds it extremely hard to get close to people because he's afraid of betrayal over something that is already hard for him to deal with?

Also loss. He wasn't born rich. He worked his ass off to get what he has and he's probably afraid to lose it. He might "stash" money?

Anyway, knight of swords, how it manifests. This card is about a drive to succeed. So essentially this makes him run and push himself hard and harder and harder to out run what he sees as an inevitable end? Sometimes this can blind him.

As for what he can do to lessen this vulnerability, we have, self confidence through God confidence. This card to me talks about having faith in your actions and skills and trusting in yourself even if you doubt your ability. Essentially, yoongi just needs to trust in himself to land on his feet no matter what happens. Life is always uncertain so he needs to trust that he can weather any storm he might face.

Hoseok

This was one gave me some thoughts. So, similar to jin, it's the bottling shit up and having you subconscious mind eventually figure shit out because it's been neglected but with the 2 of swords in reverse, talking about confusion and being indecisive, I think this kinda causes him to shut down? He might get apathetic. It's almost like when you work a computer so hard that it crashes.

And how this manifests for him with the 3 of pentacles in reverse is that he gets thrown out of alignment with the group. Kinda like how you shouldn't drive on a flat tire. He withdraws and becomes hard to reach and puts up a wall that causes a lot of problems for him as well as those he is around. It's a defense mechanism. It can also manifest in him preferring to work alone as well instead of group settings.

This exposes him to depression and doubt.

Also similar to jin, for how to lessen this vulnerability we have Bless your heart with talks about reaching out (breaking down that wall) and healing your heart and healing the root issue.

Namjoon

Okay. This is the one that makes so much sense but also confuses me.

So. What makes him most vulnerable is the magician rev and 10 of cups. Unrealized potential and poor planning as well as love, harmony and alignment.

So.... what? How does love and the happiest happiness make him vulnerable?

Well, I think he's suspicious of it. I think that he can't help but wonder in his big big big brain if THIS is the right happy or if its really happiness at all? Almost like commitment issues but also not? It's like, he's afraid that it won't last? He might have trouble fully allowing himself happiness. Also, what makes him the most vulnerable is love. It opens up every bit of his soul and puts it on a laundry line for everyone to see and I don't think he thinks he's worthy enough to be seen like that?

As for how it manifests in his life, 9 of cups, personal fulfillment and a strive to have everything else in hislife sorted out? Essentially wanting to have a perfect foundation so eventually he can share with all the important people in his life.

As for what he can do. Value your self worth. pretty straight up. He needs to value himself more. He deserve love and he deserves to feel seen even if it's uncomfortable at first.

Jimin

Oki. What makes jimin most vulnerable is choice. The 7 of cups talks about focusing on what's best for you and making choices based not on illusion. I think jimin is plagued by unrealistic expectations and confronting the fact that it's not possible is what makes him most vulnerable. He makes choices that are driven by illusion. Usually about self. I think specifically about how he doesn't always see how good he already is so he pushes himself to chase after something that isn't always right for him or even there in the first place. Acknowledging and facing it brings vulnerability that he doesn't always want to face. I think he might equate vulnerability to powerlessness.

How it manifests. 9 of wands rev. Paranoia and being defensive. It's his own fear and insecurities manifesting outside of himself.

As for what he can do, passion and purpose and multifaceted. Focus on what is close to his heart and don't get side tracked. Theres so much more to this situation and there isn't an easy fix. There's a lot of things that need working on in order for him to feel comfortable.

Taehyung

Oki oki oki. What makes Tae most vulnerable is strength rev. Raw emotion. He doesn't always express his emotions and when he chooses to be more open, his emotions go through a bit of a filter. Showing his unfiltered emotions makes him most vulnerable because it's him as he is. In his truest form. It's all of his wants, joys, fears. Everything.

As for how it manifests, 10 of wands and Hanged man, it becomes a burden that he carries because he feels like he can't just be honest. He pauses and allows himself time to feel on his own but that means possibly being misunderstood and a bit isolated.

Now. What can he do to lessen it? Bless your heart and healthy communication in relationships. TALKING TO PEOPLE AND ALLOWING HIMSELF THAT VULNERABILITY. It's not bad to be vulnerable. Heal that shit bb bc you are worth it.

Jungkook

So, what makes him most vulnerable? The world in rev. Not having closure and seeking it. The process of seeking closure for himself about things that could have or putting to rest something that has come full circle. It brings vulnerability because he has to face things that he could have done better. He has to face things coming to a close and be okay with is.

How it manifests, the tower, ace of cups, 5 of cups reversed.

The tower is essentially everything crumbling down. I think jk thinks too much? If you follow a ball of yarn all the way to the end then you just unraveled a whole ass ball of yarn.

Him going to close those things cause him to unravel his foundation.

With the ace of cups, creativity and love/ new emotions, I think him taking the time to pursue personal closure helps him to be more open to love as well as giving him creative fuel.

The 5 of cups rev. Means that him doing this closure thing helps him to forgive himself bc he's taking time to move on and tie up loose ends?

For jk this closure thing manifests in every aspect of his like and I almost see it as him shedding? Sounds weird but he's consciously moving on and paying attention to what he needs?

As for what he can do? Deep emotional healing! He runs the risk of feeling more of the tower manifestation so he needs to keep himself emotionally healthy in order for this to be productive instead of destructive!

~~~~~~~

I hope y'all like this! I feel like the cards didn't always follow what I was kinda going for with my questions but it all works out in the end I guess?

My next reading will be up later this week (I've already done it and taken all of my notes. I just have to type it all out) so look foward to that as well!

[nctzanne]

Your Last Name

♡ doctor!mark x fem!Reader.♡ smut, fluff if you use glasses

WARNINGS!: use of alcohol and drugs, explicit content, not sex but mentions of it.

𝑆𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦: I just want you to give it a try and read it AAAH

𝑅𝑒𝑞𝑢𝑒𝑠𝑡?: no, an idea i've had since i started stanning NCT

𝐴𝑛𝑛𝑒'𝑠 𝑡𝘩𝑜𝑢𝑔𝘩𝑡𝑠 & 𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠: As i said above, this is an idea I've had for sOOOOOO many months, so I really wanted it to make it happen. It was on my drafts for a long time. Thank you so so much if you take the time to read this.

You noticed when your mind woke up suddenly, but without opening your eyes, slowly bringing you back to reality. You tasted your own mouth dry as a bone, with a metalic flavor on it, typical scenario when we talk about hangovers. The headache that invaded you so suddenly made you grab your forehead, almost if you brain was going to explode right there. The smell of fermentation on the room -or wherever you were- made you nauseous, so you stayed still to avoid vomiting everything you consumed the night before. A light breathing woke you up from your trance and inner speech, you could even feel the warmth of it on your shoulder. That's when you realize you were not alone, totally opposite of that, you were cornered by arms twice your size, avoiding you to move on the super duper comfortable position you were in. You still didn't want to open your eyes to notice who the lucky guy was, but you could smell the hints of tequila on his breath. When that hit your nose, you turned around abruptly by instinct, trying to avoid the smell. You opened my eyes a little, just to be able to locate yourself in space-time.

A room hotel, there's where you were. White walls reflected the light that came from outside of the giant windows, making you cover your eyes with the hand that wasn't under the grip of this unknown guy. Once your eyes get used to the light, you remembered that you were at Bora-Bora for vacations with your best friend. You can hear the eagles screaming way too loud for your irritable state, but just noticing where you were made you feel more calmed. "At least I'm here and they didn't kidnap me" You thought, finally grabbing the courage to turn around and see who exactly was the guy that had a night of passion with you.

"Sure, shit"

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

-Wait, repeat it to me, who did you meet? -You asked incredulously, looking at how your friend Rosé was overflowing with emotion and nervousness.

-Do you know this famous band?- She told you a name that you couldn't identify, you automatically shake your head-Anyways, while I was waiting for you on the beach I met with Jaehyun, the bass player, we talked a little and he invited us for a few drinks with his friends!- She talked so fast that you had a hard time processing all the information that was given to you.

-And that's it, a random guy talks to you and you say yes?. He could be a serial killer-

-Ah c'moooon, he's a superstar, it will be funn!!!-

So, a not so official date with guys from a band. Sure, excellent idea.

-Okay, are they handsome at least?- You asked with disinterest

-You can't imagine, y/n, so prepare yourself as well as possible, they will fall for you- she approached the small bridge that united your cabins in the middle of the sea, while she blowed you a flirtatious kiss.

You just laughed and walked towards the windows, admiring the sea. You were literally in paradise, your bedrooms floated above the ocean, the white sand was not so far from where you were staying in, and the horizon was clearer than ever. How lucky you were to have a friend who helped you get over your breakups with a very casual trip to Bora Bora at the Four Seasons hotel. Loneliness invaded you for a second and you decided to get ready for the long-awaited meeting that you would have with her friends.

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

A white beach dress with pink heels and your tan is enough, with the right makeup obviously. It was already 7 pm and your nervous friend looked at her cell phone while texting with someone

-Is it him?- You ask, trying to peek behind her shoulder to see if you could figure out what they're talking about.

-Yes, he is telling me he's here at the bar but he doesn't see us-

-Of course, we are sitting, let me raise my hand- and so you did it.

-Here!!!!- Your friend screams in excitement when she sees 3 tall figures approaching to you. They seemed to walk on a slow pace, almost like the came out of a movie. And yes, your heart almost stopped for a good 10 seconds. Three guys, my gosh, models? What were they again?. God definitely had preferences for some human beings.

The fact that they aere so handsome and well… structured made you blush. Jaehyun, Johnny and ...

-Mark, nice to meet you- the youngest of the 3 of them greeted me, with a dazzling smile that makes his dimples appear. You bit your lip and studied his entire face so that you would never forget him again. -y/n, nice to meet you too-

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ══��════╝

Nothing more and nothing less than Mark Lee himself. His makeup was completely smeared, traces of mascara under his closed eyes. His forehead and nose were reflecting the daylight a bit. It was a hot morning (or evening), and having you next to his body was obviously going to make him sweat. His open, broken lips gave off that smell of alcohol that made you sick. But despite of everything, your sight softened after a couple of seconds. He was sleeping so peacefully, and he was clinging to you like his life depended on it, so you couldn't help but smile.

-Mark... wake up- you whispered softly while you tried to get up.

-Hmmmh, what time is it?- his morning voice made my stomach tingle a bit, your sight never leaving his figure while he starts waking up.

He squinted while he sit up in bed slowly, ruffling his own hair. It was obvious that he was in the same blank state you were a few minutes ago, and you could tell by how he confusingly looked around at the room, until his eyes reached at you. His face expression softened, giving you a shy smile.

-Do you need some clothes?- he asked, blushing when he studied your naked torso with lazy eyes. You realized that you both were entirely naked, and you rushed to cover your breasts with your arms, just to earn a pure laugh from him, that made your head resonate in pain.

-We fucked, y/n, no need to hide- Mark put all his weight on his left elbow, getting closer to you while tilting his face flirtatiously. That made you cheeks go red as ever.

-Yes, but I don't remember anything so your point is automatically invalid- His body hovered yours so fast that you couldn't even process what was happening, until he pecked your lips.

-I remember everything, so I will refresh your memory-

You burst out laughing while he deposited soft pecks all over your face. The situation was so sweet, but it didn't make you feel uncomfortable at all. He interrumpted his love actions and looked at you hungrily.

-Mark, I barely can keep myself awake, i feel like I'm going to puke...-You warned him, reading his intentions.

-Okay okay- he looked down defeated- At least, can we cuddle a bit more? I promise I can make the hangover feel better- He tangled his legs and arms to your body, resting his face on your collarbones.

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

Everything on that evening was talking about the mortality of a crab. Basics like where you were from, what do you do for a living and relationship status open the conversation.

Your attention was drawn to Mark when he started to introduce himself. As a Medicine student, he decided with his 2 best friends that were part of a band to go on a trip to relax due to the busy schedules that consumes their time. The three live together on a small apartment in Korea, where the rent is expensive so they can make it more affordable.

Bora-bora was the destination of their choice. It seems that the band called NCT 127 draw lot of attention from crazy fans who followed them EVERYWHERE, so an expensive place like so would be easier to have a time for them on their own.

Mark spoke always adding "like" between his words, he liked to lay back when he was sipping on his piña colada, but got closer to the table when you talked about your experience as a journalist.

He tried so hard to show interest on a topic he had no idea about, that his questions were kinda clueless, but it was obvious that it was his way to not cut the attraction and chat between you and him. It was a sexual tension you could feel by kilometers, every gaze you had was followed by a shy smile, and you felt tingles on your body everytime you had a bit of interaction.

-Do you guys do shots?- Rosé interrumpted the conversation, scanning the boys reaction.

-I mean, that's why we are here- Johnny combed his hair backwards, already feeling heated by the 2 gin tonics he drank in 15 minutes. I couldn't deny, him on a tight black shirt looked hot as fuck, I could notice how Rosé was drooling for him- Excuse me, maa'am- he raised his hand, calling the waitress- 3 rounds of shots please!-

-Man, we had 2 yesterday and you almost puked on the sea, go easyyyy- you could notice the tipsy state from Jaehyun as well. His eyes were almost closed on a thin line and his dorky smile betrayed him. Mark laughed out loud, first time in the night you heard him like that, with his cheeks tinted red. He took a big sip of his piña colada, looking at you directly at the eyes. Actually, you didnt noticed till that moment, but your legs started to feel a bit numb. Quite usual for you when the alcohol gets up on your head.

-I'm in!- you answer to Johnny's idea. Once the blue shots arrive, you quickly grab one.

-Cheers for this night to be special- he screams with a deep voice, and the other 2 guys howl as response while you burst out laughing.

When you decided that the amount of alcohol on your body was enough, you took a chance to go to the beach to sing and dance to the DJ placed randomly in there.

You felt bliss, the EDM music was filling your senses, but you tried to keep your eyes full opened so you could remember the beautiful but blurry view of the sunset.

Together with your new group of friends were a mess. Jumping, screaming, raising your hands like you could touch the sky, everything seemed possible at that moment. Even dancing and getting laid with Mark.

The music had nothing to do with your plan, but you got dangerously close to him, resting your arms on his shoulders. You could see that he chuckled, tilting his head back so he could see you fully. Both of you were drunk as hell, you thought you were killing it with the flirting skills, but probably you just looked like two fools trying not to fall for the obvious drunken state you were.

-Do you wanna kiss me?- you screamed while "Jenny" sounded on the speakers. What kind of question is that?

-Sure I do- his canadian accent made you bite your lip while smiling- Can I?- his voice tried to mimic yours, but you didnt answered, it wasnt necessary.

Your lips collided as you got close at the same time, and Mark wasted no time to open his mouth and let his tongue in your wet cavity. You moaned so loud, because you knew no one could hear it but him. A fierce fight between both of your tongues started, every graze of them would make yourself wetter and wetter. He squeezed your waist and tried to keep you closer to him if it was possible, in his drunk mind he was scared you could run away from him.

Nothing about the context was romantic at all. You both physically liked eachother and just wanted to make out. No love at first sight, no kiss with fireworks behind, just pure desire.

Adrenaline rushed your body when his hands cupped your ass, that was only covered by the thin dress you decided to wear. Nobody near you could care less about what you two were doing it, but for you, everyone was looking at the show you and Mark were offering, and that obviously turned you on.

You bit Mark's lower lip, sucked on it, while opening your eyes to look directly at him. Eyes closed, he was enjoying how you toyed his lips. The hard grip on your skin, and a bulge poking your stomach made you feel powerful, you were loving the effect you caused on him.

Suddenly, an arm made you break your kiss with Mark. You lose your balance so you hug the guy that was pulling you backwards. Johnny.

-Hey, pornstars, we have some nice shit here- he pointed his hand with his eyes. You could see a tiny bag with a white dust inside. You come to your senses and look around at the crowd to try find Rosé, but it was obvious she already was under the influence. She was on Jaehyun's shoulders, enjoying the music. You sigh, chuckling at the sight of her losing her mind.

-Its my first time though- you commented while you look at Johnny spreading the dust on top of his phone screen with one hand using a credit card. You could notice he was an expert at it, you peek to see Mark right by your side looking at the manouvers as hypnotized as you. Probably it was his first time too.

You both snorted the little substance, and it sucked at first. It was so uncomfortable, but it took minutes for you to get used to that weird sensation on your nose.

You didnt even noticed when everything started to amplify. You could feel the summer breeze making its way around you, the taste of Mark's saliva still on your tongue was strong, the colorful tins of the sky while it was dusking looked so enhanced.

A hand grabbed yours, taking you out of your trance, and almost felt like an orgasm. So warm and so soft, made you wanna scream. You turned to see a fucked out Mark, studying your face with dilated pupils, he was almost as horny as you by only grabbing hands.

He caressed yours with his thumb, and it felt like he was fucking you, your body shivered at it. Mark was enjoying it too, so he brought your fingers closer to his mouth and inserted the index one inside, and started to suck on it. You moaned and felt how your pussy clenched at nothing, the saliva coating your finger felt like caramel, if you could explain the feeling.

-Mark if you keep doing that i'm gonna cum- you told him with a warning tone, he was so inmersed on sucking your finger that he jumped when you talked. He was aroused by the situation too.

He smiled with your finger still inside of his mouth, took it out, holded you by your wrist and started to run towards...

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

-And we ended up here- Mark sumed up the night while you were laying on his chest, caressing it with the tip on your fingers. His, on the other hand, were playing with the locks of your hair.

-Yeah, i remember now, such a night- and then you snapped- Wait... where the fuck is...-

-Yeah, she was having a threesome with the boys. Dont worry, she was having a good time-Mark answered with a playful tone. Of course, that sounds like a very Rosé thing to do. You let out a breathy laugh.

-We could have joined...- you suggested, looking up at him. He took a few seconds to answer, while his eyes moved from one corner to the other of the ceiling, like he was evaluating that scenario.

-Yeah, and sharing? No thanks- he bit his lip and he looked at you with a greedy smile- I felt so lucky to have you screaming my name over and over-

You hit his shoulder with your fist playfully, and he took that as an answer to keep silent and just enjoy the company of the other.

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

2 days went by, you get used to hang out with the boys. All kinds of crazy stuff you could imagine, you were doing it with them, and it felt like heaven. Mark couldnt keep his hands to himself and everytime he had the opportunity, he would make you cum on his fingers or mouth. And the same goes for you, too. Thanks to him, you noticed how good you are at giving blowjobs inside public restrooms.

But nothing lasts forever, sadly, and the last day of your summer vacation arrived. Rosé and you were ready to go back to Seoul, while they would be staying a little bit longer. It hurted, you got used to Mark's attention, and either him or you wanted to ask for eachothers contact. Not because of lack of interest, but because both of you thought that the other saw it as an adventure. You didn't even knew his last name.

His lips devours yours before you could get in the car that was waiting for you on the street -I wont forget you, thanks for this amazing 3 days- he smiled, a tint of sadness on his eyes. You caressed his cheek, pecking his nose, trying to hurry as much as you coulf so you wouldnt start to feel emotional.

-Y/l/n-

He looked at you clueless -What?-

-My last name is y/l/n- you smiled and without waiting for an answer, you close the door of the car.

╚═══════ ≪ °❈° ≫ ═══════╝

-Hey, hey, it's okay- typical of Rosé being so overdramatic. Sure, your finger almost got cut in half while you were trying to cook some carbonara, but it wasnt a big deal, something a few stitches couldn't fix. The only thing that kept your finger from gushing blood out was a piece of toilet paper.

-Please! My friend needs a doctor!!!!- She screamed at the top of her lungs inside the hospital.

-What happened?- a nurse hurried, worried eyes scanning you both.

-She is losing her finger!!!!- Rosé felt she was going to faint.

-Jesus, Rosé, calm down-

The nurse takes a quick look at your finger- Yeah it doesn't look that good, please follow me. You are lucky we don't have that many patients on New Years Eve-

You are guided to a tiny room full of medical stuff, probably where you are going to get your finger sticked together. It hurted as fuck, but you were trying to keep focused on something other than the pain. You looked at the desk with the computer on, and on a hidden corner you noticed a picture of 3 friends, on a place that seemed too familiar to you. Actually, the friends also seemed like an old ones you had... maybe in university? You can't quite remember.

The door opened up while you were trying to dig into your memories , and you looked at the door startled.

-So, Mrs y/n...- that voice, that motherfucking voice. A year has passed. But how the fuck you were supposed to forget it?. You felt your ears buzzing, face heating and heartbeat racing. You were losing your breath and suddenly the pain of your finger got worst and worst.

He didn't turn to look at you, just got inside by looking at his phone, and once he was sit in front of you, his facial expression dropped.

There were the both of you, looking at eachother like dumb teenagers, like your finger wasnt bleeding out, almost like you were backat that bar in Bora-bora again.

-I... uh... yeah, my finger- you stutter, pointing at it. Mark shakes his head, coming back at his professional senses.

Before the medical procedure he performed, he bandaged your finger, and wrote some medicine you had to take for the pain to go away.

-It should be okay on a few weeks, nothing to worry about- he smiled at you, trying to comfort you. You felt your heart drop when he grabbed the healthy of both of your hands and caressed your palm with his thumb, everything felt like a flashback. You looked at him with clueless eyes.

-I... uh... I should come back in a few weeks then- you stuttered, pressing your lips into a thin line while looking at him directly on his eyes. He nods.

-Lee-

You frowned -Huh?-

-My last name is Lee-

[stxvercgersslut]

Love Without Doubt

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Female Reader

Part 1: It’ll be over and I’ll Still Be Asking When

Other people mentioned: Natasha, Tony, Clint, Wanda & others

Warnings: Mentions of death, heartache, language like normal, angry reader, sad steve, dead Tony, smut in the future, pregnancy, a whole load of angst and a whole lot of fluff in future parts.

Description: Losing Tony Stark was the worst thing to ever happen to you. But finding out that you were 3 months pregnant with your late husbands baby hit the nail on the head. You were alone, heartbroken and Scared. Steve’s riddled with guilt, knowing you were out there alone and pregnant hurt him, how could he leave you like that? Exactly he couldn’t.

A/n: I know the pictures are of a white girl but this is by no means a white girl fic. In fact this is reader insert! Meaning that you get to imagine yourself in this fic as y/n, so I will not be addressing the colour of her skin because that is for you to do! :) I know that this chapter is just a short one but this is the prologue. I didn’t think it needed to be that long.

A/n: ahhhh it’s been a while. I’m sorry for my absence I didn’t really plan on writing this again. But after a lot of thinking 🤔 came to the conclusion that I honestly adore this fic too much not to continue it.

Positive.

Shit!

'No no no no no! Y/n this can't be happening right now! How on earth could you let this happen?' You screamed in your head. Just some of the thoughts that were running wild in your brain as you continued to stare hundreds of tiny little holes into the pregnancy test.

Tony had always wanted kids, ever since the pair of your had begun to date those long 7 years ago he'd been open with you about his longing for children. But now the moment you should have shared with your loving husband was shared with you and your reflection in the mirror. The man you loved would never get to meet his beautiful baby and that fact alone was enough to shatter your heart into slivers. There truly was no coming back from this pain.

How could this be happening right now? More importantly, how could this be happening to you right no! After everything you'd been through the world just wouldn't give you a break?!? With Tony gone how on earth were you even going to provide of a baby? Let alone looked after it on your own!

As these questions continued to race around your brain at 100 miles an hour, your hands began to shake uncontrollably whilst tears began to fall from your eyes. It was no surprise that you were understandably distraught with the cards you'd been dealt by the world.

————————————————————

Despite your pain, Steve was going through heartbreak just as much as you were, completely traumatised due to being forced to watch one of his best friends sacrifice himself in order to save not only the world but also the universe it's self. Not only did he have the trauma but he also had the guilt of your pain looming over you.

Due to what he'd witnessed Steve would find himself experiencing nightmare after nightmare every single night, barely managing to sneak in any sleep before the images of his former best friend, Tony Stark, dying in front of him reappeared in his brain for what felt like the millionth time. It had only been 3 days since that dreaded day yet he'd been tossing and turning ever since. Living alone in his currant state was never a good idea. But since he had no one to help him through the PTSD he had to just struggle on through.  With all his failures coming back to haunt him it was tough but he had to try. Otherwise what was the point in anything?

As the early hours of the morning sunshine began to shine through his half open curtains, Steve jolted awake. Once again awakened by the deadliness of his nightmare. However, this time, unlike any other time, he woke up with an overwhelming sense of guilt towards you. His entire heart burning from what you must have been going through.  After all he knew exactly how close you and Tony use to be, how could he have been so cruel to rip that away from you when you'd been so happy?

Knowing that you'd be all alone in that huge cabin, alone with your thought eating you alive just like his were, truly didn't sit right with him. It was just in his blood to help people, whether or not they actually wanted his help was a different question but if someone was in distress, which he somehow had a feeling you were, he had to at least try and help.

Grunting, the still slightly panicked soldier stretched out his limbs, releasing all tensions from the night before as he did every morning even before the blip. It was just apart of his routine now and he'd never be able to stop that.

'Alright, time to get up I guess' the male mumbled to himself as his feet met the hard wood of his apartment bedroom floor. Ever since the blip Steve hadn't been able to stay at the Avengers compound, too afraid of having to relive all of those failures again. Now, with the compound completely and utterly destroyed, it was just an added reason for him not to go back there. Especially with everything that had gone on in there before.

He may have looked okay from the outside but on the inside? Oh he was a broken man alright. What did anyone expect from a super soldier who'd been through as much trauma as him?

As the male prepared his morning coffee his mind wandered back to you, wondering what on earth you could have been doing in a cabin all alone by yourself. Maybe you were still asleep in bed , shaking off all the loneliness and all the heart break with as much sleep as you could? If that was the case then maybe Steve could rest easier knowing that for the most part you were okay. Maybe he would have been able to forget about you if he knew for certain that you were able to slip into a state of peace when you fell asleep.

But for some reason Steve just couldn't shake the idea of you maybe crying yourself to sleep every night. Or even worse, what if you were listening to that damn hologram again? Or his voicemail again? What if you still hated him? Oh he had to put this right.

Deep down Steve knew you hated the way that he'd handled things, the way he'd brutally dragged your husband away from you. Bursting the bubble surrounding the two of you in the process. But if there was any possible way that he could put all the heartbreak right and ease his Conscience in the process then he had to try right? No matter how much you hated him right now he knew that you'd need a friend right now.

So without a second thought, the super soldier poured his morning coffee into a travel mug (one Bucky had bought him one year), threw on a t-shirt and jeans, grabbed his leather jacket as well as his keys and left the house. There just had to be a way to put this right.

As Steve made his way to the cabin that used to be shared by you and Tony, he couldn't help but lose himself in deep thought. Struggling to comprehend how life had just fucked everyone over so awfully. Yeah they managed to get their lives back and bring everyone home in the process. But what good was that when Tony didn't arrive back home to you safely? What use was bringing all the blipped back when Steve had to explain to you that your husband was never coming home. The world was cruel, that he knew for certain.

It hadn't taken him more than an hour to finally arrive at your cabin, sucking in a deep breath as he slowly exited him car and made his way up to the front door.

Was he really about to do this? Was he really about to attempt to talk to you even though he knew that you most likely hated his guts?

Apparently so since his he curled his hand into a fist and gently knocked on the door, staring is hung that he could hear the sound of joyful laughter. But in reality all he could hear was painful sobs. That was the hardest part, hearing you sob was already breaking his heart. It was times like these he truly did wish that his hearing wasn’t as strong as it happened to be.

With one more breath, Steve finally pulled himself together and knocked 3 times, hoping you’d opened the door for him.

————————————————————

You'd been so caught up in your emotional agony that you'd barely had enough time to hear the first couple knocks, but by the third knock your senses seemed to finally come back quick enough to only slightly hear the very last knock.

After straightening yourself up a little you finally made your way towards the door, dreading the panic attack that was most likely coming your way after everything you’d gone through. However, nothing had prepared you for who you found at the door upon opening.

“Steve?” You groaned almost angrily; practically spitting it out.

Tags: @jtargaryen18​ @chuckbass-love​ @et-lesailes​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @cevans-fics​ @dwights-new-plague @sweetllamaparadise @jessyballet @lharrietg @patzammit

[volturicangetit]

D.V- Sassy

Summary: You go to Volterra with your sister Bella to save Edward but a handsome vampire takes an intrest in you while you’re there

Request: YES/no @kpopgirlbtssvt​ :Hi!! Can I please request a Demetri x human! fem! reader where she’s Bella’s fraternal twin sister and she goes with Bella and Alice to save Edward, and when Demetri comes and gets them and Y/N and Demetri feel drawn to each other (flirting with each other much to Bella and the Cullen’s dismay), and she’s sassy (amusing Aro, Demetri, and Felix) when Aro starts to let them go Y/n and Demetri don’t want to be apart because she’s his mate. (Or this could happen when the Volturi meet Renesme!)

Warnings: swearing

Wordcount: 1517

You would go to the end of the moon for your sisters. If you murdered someone, you would help her hide the body. But now you're really doubting if you should be killing her instead. Her depressed vampire boyfriend was going to out himself to the world so that the Volturi would kill him which you thought was first of all, super selfish and second of all very, very dumb. But you thought that the vampire venom might have done something to his brain, causing him to lose a couple of brain cells. You run after your sister through the people-filled streets of Volterra. You watch her stop in her stops as she watches Edward stand in the door opening of the castle. he takes small steps, getting more and more out of the shadows with each. Bella yells out his name before she starts to run towards him straight through the fountain. You shake your head as you run after her. "You're paying for new shoes, Bella," you mutter as you run thought the fountain. You cringe internally as you feel the cold water soaking through your shoes and socks. Bella jumps on Edward to push him back into the shadows.

You follow behind her and push both of them further into the castle. Once they are fully inside, you close the door so that all sunlight is blocked out. You look over to your sister to see her hugging Edward and sharing some loving words with him. "Why don't you come by to check if she's actually dead next time, Dracula?" you say. Edward doesn't even look up at you, though. He's too busy with processing that Bella is alive. He was never the brightest of the Cullens, in your opinion. From behind Bella and Edward, you can see two people walking towards you, one being significantly taller and broader than the other. As the people come closer you can see that they are two men with red eyes. "Great, more bloodsuckers," you say with a sigh.

The smaller of the two stares at you with big eyes. You can feel something in you wants to talk to him but the rational human in you reminds you that he is a vampire and that he probably only sees you as a good snack. "Your services won't be needed, after all, gentleman," Edward says. His voice is laced with anger. The tall man shakes his head.

"Aro wants to see you," he says. His voices send shivers down your spine and not the good kind. The smaller man nods. His hair bounces along with his movement. The smile that sits on his lips sends waves of warmth through your stomach. Something about vampires always made them look impossibly beautiful.

"And I think he would like to see the Swan's as well," he adds. You look over to Bella to see that she has the same panic in her eyes as you do. You take a deep breath to calm yourself down a bit.

You place your hands on your hips and cock your head to the side as you look back at the smaller vampire. "Who says I want to see him?" you ask. "Because would rather not be in a castle full of leeches, thank you very much.". The man lets out a chuckle as he shakes his head. He looks at the tall man next to him and they nod at each other. The tall man starts walking as he waves for you all to follow him. Edward drags Bella along with him but you stay planted on the floor. You're not going to follow these vampires. The smaller man runs over to you and grabs a hold of your arm as he drags you along with him.

His grip on you is surprisingly soft. You still struggle against him and try to pull out of his grasp but it's to no avail. "Let me go, your oversized mosquito!" you yell. The man chuckles as he shakes his head again. "I have a name, you know," he says. He keeps his free hand behind his back. "Do I look like I care, fang-boy?" you spit back. "It's Demitri, mi amore," he says. The nickname causes butterflies to swarm through your stomach but you mask them by throwing more insults his way. "Oh, go choke on some garlic". You remain silent after that. The walk to the kings only takes you all five minutes but they are the longest five minutes of your life. Once you enter the throne room, a weird feeling sits on the air. You and Bella stand close to each other while Edward tries to negotiate with Aro. You are both a bit too aware of the fact that you're the only humans in a room full of vampires.

"But Bella and the other human know of your existence, we can't have that,' Aro says. Edwards opens his mouth to speak but you beat him to it. You hold your finger up at Aro to silence him. "Hold up," you say. Everyone's eyes turn towards you as Bella tugs on your arm to desperately try to get you to shut the fuck up. "The other human? I have a name, you undead little fucker. Second of all, I don't know shit except that you're all dead.". You point at the kings, twins and the two men from the hallway. Finally, you point at Edward.

"And that, that man has the emotional stability of a toddler and you all have some weird blood kink so you better keep me out of this.". Aro cocks his head to the as he takes a couple of steps towards you. He is insulted by your lack of respect but intrigued at the same time.

"Who is this?" he asks while looking at Edward. You roll your eyes, "I'm right here, you can just ask me yourself," you say. "I'm Y/n Swan. Human and wondering if I should put some garlic in your blood or put a stake through your heart. Maybe both.".

Caius stands up from his throne as he stomps his foot on the ground. "How dare this human talk to us like this, brother? This is disrespectful!" he yells. Aro holds his hand up and turns towards him. He shushes him before turning back towards you. He follows your eyes to Demetri. You have been stealing glances from him ever since you laid your eyes on him.  Aro looks at Marcus who nods at him. He lets out a gleeful laugh before walking back to his throne and sitting down in it.

"They are free to go, for now," Aro says. Edward's eyes grow big in surprise but he knows how quickly the Volturi can change their mind so he grabs ahold of Bella's hand and tells her that they're leaving. "Come on, Y/n," Bella says. You shake your head. Your eyes are still locked with Demitri's. Something in you doesn't want to leave him. Something in you wants to stay with him forever. "Let's go," Bella tries again.

"No," you say softly. A smile grows in Demitri's face. Edward looks between you two and Marcus and quickly realizes what's going on. He drops Bella's hand. "Y/n, we got to go.". You shake your head at your sister. You take a couple of small steps over to Demitri. "No, I think I'm going to stay here with this ugly bloodsucker who clearly hasn't been able to look in a mirror since the birth of Christ," you say as you point to Demitri. Aro lets out a chilling giggle as he clasps his hands together.

Bella shakes her head. Edward lays a hand on her shoulder to hold her back. "You can't stay with him! He's a monster," she says. You turn towards her with your brows furrowed. "Umh, I don't think you can see a single fuck about my choice in man since you got together with mister 'I-cry-myself-to-sleep' over here who we just saved from suicide because he couldn’t just call you or come by to check if you were actually dead. I really think that you guys need some couples therapy by the way," you say. You take a couple more steps towards Demitri until you're close enough to shake his hand.

"Hi, I'm Y/n," you say. He nods with a smirk makes your stomach do cartwheels. "Nice to meet you, mi amore," he says. You smile at him. The coldness of his skin against yours calms you down somehow. It actually feels nice. You can hear Edward dragging Bella along with him and out of the throne room. He doesn't want to test the Volturi patience today. "So like, do all vampire have like some weird attraction thing with humans? Are you guys like ugly, blood kink having sirens now?" you ask. Demitri shakes his head. He turns you around and lays a hand on the small of your back as she starts to lead you towards the exit of the throne room. "Have you ever heard of mates?".

TWILIGHT TAGLIST (OPEN): @scuzmunkie e @thanossexual @prettyinblack231 @kpopgirlbtssvt​ @cullens-stuff​ @rexburn12​ @jelly-fishy-babie​ @puer-de-infinitate​