#there's so much more i could say

[basaltbutch]

Blaseball has been a constant background presence throughout pretty much the entirety of my adulthood life so far, and it feels weird to think the official source is gone.

I never meant to get into blaseball. At most, I figured it'd be a common interest between me and Moss (genusniebla). I picked my team entirely at random. And yet.

It kept me sane all throughout the initial lockdowns, when I didn't leave my house for an entire year. I tuned into the sim on nights I couldn't sleep, watched lore jams and liveshows and listened to podcasts about it while I gardened. Even when I started meandering into the rest of the world again, blaseball was a talisman, a comfort. The first patch on my backpack was a homemade one for the Hellmouth Sunbeams. About half the ones on my crustpunk pants were at least inspired by blaseball.

The music, most of all, has completely changed me. The Garages have been the soundtrack of my life, my number-one listened to artist, since I first discovered them. I skipped my own birthday celebration to watch the premiere of the Discipline album! There was a period of my life where I listened to solely (and I mean solely) the Garages for (at least) six months straight. I am going to continue to listen to the Garages until the day I die.

And the people!! Oh, the people. I've met so many wonderful friends and people because of this game. The community around blaseball has always been such a warm and welcoming environment (not just saying that because my team is the Hellmouth Sunbeams) and I'm truly lucky that this game has let me meet so many amazing people.

I hate to say it, but the game couldn't go on forever. It would lessen the impact of it. As far as I believe— we've won. Our teams have always won. We were always the driving force behind the cultural event of blaseball, the final bosses. It's over. No one has to play anymore.

Rest in violence, blaseball.

[rainbow-crane]

Piping hot take apparently but. Maybe if you're going to criticize a thing for poor writing you should actually watch it first

[igniferrus]

I can't believe the BBC's The Adventures of Merlin peaked at S01E04 "The Poisoned Chalice."

OBVIOUSLY I love the absolute absurdity of Merlin and Arthur trying to die for each other after knowing each other for like a week. Just for the vibes and for the Merthur implications, however; this episode is the one that does the characters and their interpersonal relationships the most justice, in my opinion.

Now with a read more, because this got out of hand, fast.

We start with the Gauis and Merlin father-son relationship, with them bantering in the hallways about work. Gwen and Merlin get to giggle together at the feast, and then we see their bond as Gwen worries over Merlin (and her blaming herself when he 'dies').

Merlin is also a wonderful sunshine boy in this episode. The weight of his destiny hasn't worn him down yet, he's still riding the high of finally understanding the reason he was born as he was. He perks up when Arthur tells him he's going to the feast, he treats the guests as guests (no immediate suspicion, trying to impress Kara/Nimueh), and we get to see some of his best cheeky moments - like calling Gaius out for making up a proverb, telling Kara he runs the castle, pestering Arthur about his smelly clothes and the food fights, and, of course, when he wakes up mock scolding Gaius for hugging Gwen, and then claiming not to be alive but his own ghost. He's still a silly boy, especially when he wakes up and says he doesn't remember what happened after drinking the wine.

But what I think this episode does particularly well is the Pendragons, especially Arthur.

We get Morgana ready to cut a bitch immediately when things go wrong at the feast, but also see her compassionate side when she allows Gwen to go tend to Merlin. Her relationships with Uther and Arthur are phenomenally well done. Uther scolds her (off-screen) for wanting to bash people about the head with ladles at the feast. But she also gets to stand up to him and show her displeasure at his choices.

When Uther rants at her after Arthur leaves, she agrees with his every point, sarcastically. His ordering Arthur to stay "worked like a charm" and "[her] lips are sealed" when he tells her to knock it off. She calls him out for oppressing Arthur and not letting him make his own choice, telling Uther "[He] can't chain [Arthur] up every time he disagrees with [Uther]" and "Arthur's old enough to make decisions for himself"

But Uther wins this argument (or is at least conceded to), because he asks Morgana if he should allow Arthur to make his own choices, if that means Arthur will die. And Morgana has no answer for him. Which is especially interesting as Morgana was the one to push for Arthur to go.

There is a lot to be said for Morgana and Arthur's relationship in the show as a whole, and this episode too. I could probably write a whole post about them just using The Poisoned Chalice. But I'll keep it to two main points here.

The first, and most important one, which I think is overlooked in a lot of people's take on their relationship, comes from a short line in a transition scene. There is a total of six pieces of dialogues, split between Morgana and Gwen, as Gwen fills Morgana in on the Merlin situation, which includes this bit:

MORGANA: Don't worry, I'm alright. How's Merlin? GUINEVERE: If Arthur comes back with the antidote in time, he'll be fine. MORGANA: Then he'll be fine.

Just like that. If Merlin's health relies on Arthur succeeding it is a forgone conclusion for Morgana. Arthur will not fail. She has enough faith in him that she is no longer worried about Merlin's fate. I don't think enough people consider this angle of their relationship. She knows who Arthur is. He is a good, capable man of honour. He will do what needs to be done. She never says this to his face, and actually implies the opposite when she thinks he won't go and rescue Gwen in a later episode, but that's sibling banter and desperation, baby! She's his older sister, she can't be seen hyping him up. Even when she gives him the chance to talk about his success at the end of the episode, she frames it as "bragging." C'mon. He just traveled to a place where few people come back from, defied his king, and still managed to save a man whose life was already deemed "worth less" that the cost of saving him. It's not bragging, it's a true achievement.

There has also been plenty said for Morgana being a guiding figure at first. When Arthur is stuck with indecision about going, when Uther has gotten into his head about this quest being an abandonment of his people, it is Morgana who encourages him to go, saying his people want and deserve a king who will do what is right. Which is all Arthur ever wants to do, despite the way Uther raised him.

Which brings us to the Uther and Arthur relationship. Uther prohibits Arthur from doing what is right. Calls into question his judgement ("jeopardise the future of this kingdom"? Realty, Uther?). Arrests his son. Locks him in the dungeon. Does his best to throw away all that Arthur sacrificed for to teach him a lesson about not doing things the "right" (Uther's) way. Continued to lie about Arthur's birth and magic, when given the perfect opportunity to come clean.

And yet.

Uther loves his boy. He wants to kill Bayard with his own hands, if it was true that he was going to harm Uther's son. Rants and raves to Morgana and Arthur leaving (and disobeying), putting himself in danger (could never say he's worried to his son's face, though). And in that moment, uses the exact justification he told Gaius wasn't good enough. When Merlin accuses Bayard of poison, Gaius claims "he's just a boy" and should be given leniency, which Uther refutes, saying Gaius should have taught him better. But when it's Uther's own (older) son, "he's just a boy" Morgana, not old enough to make his own decisions.

And at the end? When Uther does tell Arthur he's proud of him, despite it all? Arthur pulls this face, almost a kind of grimace. Like he doesn't know what to do with this information. How often does Uther say this? Not enough, obviously. Uther is a tyrant, a hypocrite, a terrible parent, and a father who cares so very deeply about his child(ren). The love is there, but it is not enough to redeem him. This, along with Beauty and the Beast (especially part two) are some of my top Uther episodes. Because they show how much he loves his boy, and it doesn't change anything. It cannot help either of them now.

Finally. Arthur Pendragon. My main man, in all forms, across all media.

He is at his best in this episode. In every conceivable way.

Aside from the excellent insight into his relationships with his family, in a way with more depth and nuance than most episodes, we get to see the Best Arthur, both physically and mentally.

As a man, he excels. He shows up for the diplomatic aspects of the position as Prince. His teases and needles Merlin, but it is less mean spirited than some episodes portray him. The silly hat is hilarious, but I also think putting Merlin in Pendragon red, with the family's crest emblazoned on his chest was a smart move. This is a new, incredibly untrained servant, with no idea of the decorum of the court. It wasn't Merlin's fault, but he really put himself in a bad light during the tournament by accusing Valiant and not being able to back up his claims, and he did recently confess to sorcery to the entire court...... Arthur all but putting his name on Merlin definitely would have afforded some protection if Merlin's trouble had been a little less dire. Calling Merlin an alcoholic may have been a bit harsh, but impugning Merlin's intelligence had already worked once in getting Uther to let him go, so I see why Arthur would stick with what works. Especially if defying Uther regularly gets him clapped in irons himself.

People routinely call Arthur honourable, and he really shows it in this episode. He tries to drink the poison himself to protect Merlin, after all his other attempts fail. He refuses to allow Merlin's sacrifice to go unrepaid. Even when he hears about how dangerous the quest will be, and that few who try it make it back alive, he says "Sounds like fun." There's no reality where Arthur doesn't want to go. Not even Uther pressing on Arthur's sore spots makes him want to abandon the quest, it just makes him wonder if he should. Also. On a time-sensitive quest that is more likely to kill him than not, he still stops to offer help to an apparently battered servant. It was the wrong choice, but the honourable one none the less.

He's so incredibly clever, too. I talked about my interpretation of his choice of Merlin's outfit already, but the scene with Gwen in the dungeon is so well-written. He's already in trouble. Uther has all but sentenced Merlin to die, twice. Once by forbidding Arthur from leaving the castle, and again when he crushes the flower to teach Arthur a lesson. The guards have to know this, along with the fact that the prince is out of favour enough to be in the dungeon for a week. And yet Arthur uses their perception of him, as a spoiled arrogant prince, to help Gwen smuggle the flower out. It is an exceptionally well-laid and executed plan. He has been studying to be a king (and kill) from birth. By necessity, Arthur is a skilled tactician. He wouldn't lead the army if he wasn't - Uther punishes failure harshly.

Arthur also gets to show off his physical skills in this episode. My man is STRONG and SKILLED. He carries Merlin from the hall to the physician's chambers. I don't know how long of a walk that it, but we've seen there are plenty of stairs up to Gaius' tower, and Arthur gets there without being out of breath. Incredible. Plus, in the cave, Arthur supports his entire body weight with one hand while hanging off a ledge AND waving a sword around to fight off a big spider. In chainmail. This man is Strong As Fuck. I don't think I could hang for very long, even using both hands, much less fight a monster.

We also get to see Arthur's skills with a sword. I've mentioned somewhere before that I understand Merlin was the protagonist and therefore got to be the hero most of the time, at the expense of Arthur. But damn. The cockatrice is the main reason why people don't return from this quest, a single drop of its venom is deadly. And Arthur takes care of it without a single thought. It lunges, he rolls under it, and then he THROWS HIS SWORD and spears it. How much did he have to practice to be able to throw a sword with accuracy, and enough power to be lethal? Absolute unit of a man. He fights off the spider mentioned above, and then climbs the cave wall to freedom. His arms must be so jacked. The only thing he can't carry is the weight of his father's disapproval.

This is also the only episode where we get to see Merlin and Arthur working perfectly together as they were meant to. In other episodes, Arthur is unconscious or unaware of Merlin's magic; or at the end, he is simply an audience to Merlin as the reveal at Camlann doesn't give them enough time to have a healthy Arthur and Merlin team up. Arthur only watches Merlin-as-Dragoon at the battle proper, or is too weak to do anything after.

But in this episode, Merlin, fever-ridden, dying, miles away in Camelot, is still able to provide Arthur magical aid in the cave. He lights the way, showing Arthur the spiders and the route to the exit. It is one of the few times Arthur is exposed to "good" magic. Could you imagine a world where the best swordsman in Albion and the most powerful warlock to walk the earth get to fight side-by-side? With Merlin providing magical support and Arthur the physical aspect? it would have been amazing, but this is the closest we come to it.

It also adds an interesting dimension to the idea of Merlin and Arthur being two sides of the same coin. Merlin's connection to Arthur despite the distance, knowing what Arthur is facing, should have been explored more. We only see it again when they are separated at Camlann, and Arthur wakes, seemingly knowing something isn't right with Merlin. Absolutely underused concept.

This has ended up criminally long, and didn't even cover everything I thought about during my rewatch of the episode. Thank you if you took the time to read all this.

[mynnthia]

was talking with a friend about how some of dunmeshi fаndom misunderstands kabru's initial feelings towards laios.

to sum up kabru's situation via a self-contained modernized metaphor:

kabru is like a guy who lost his entire family in a highly traumatic car accident. years later he joins a discord server and takes note of laios, another server member who seems interesting, so they start chatting. then laios reveals his special interest and favorite movie of all time is David Cronenberg's Crash (1996), and invites kabru to go watch a demolition derby with him

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Soup solves everything.

[chloesimaginationthings]

Michael Afton knows the FNAF Mimic’s secret..

[timelessbian]

actually that ao3 post about calculating kudos-to-hits ratios to decide if a fic is worth reading has me so pissed off. someone put real time and energy into something they are SHARING WITH YOU FOR FREE on a site where you can quite literally filter and search by anything you want and you're STILL trying to find a foolproof method to find stuff that's "good enough to read"???

YOU ARE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR EVERYTHING

you don't have to like or read everything in a given fandom or tag, but you also don't have to be a cunt about it and imply that it's not worth reading. this is the kind of shit that moves people to stop creating altogether, and to see people agreeing in the tags is so disheartening. absolutely unserious behavior.

[meltedmush]

Sorry! 😭

[cozylittleartblog]

Columbo and the Knight (1984)

put me in the universe where Columbo ran through the 1980s and had a crossover episode with Knight Rider. I think they deserved it, and I am not just saying that because they're my two favorite Old Shows. @telebeast wrote a little fanfic blurb about it and I HAD to visualize it into a comic (which is also the longest comic I have finished thus far at five pages...), so writing credit goes to them.

Autism W!

[forbidden-royal]

The seasons change, and the sun will rise again.

Wow, just wow. @somerandomdudelmao, your series was incredible. I only found your comic in July and I didn’t become an active tumblr user/follower till September, but I’m so glad I got to watch this project come to a close. The ROTTMNT fandom wouldn’t be the same without you and your comic. You’ve inspired so many people, including me, and I just want to say thank you, Cass. Thank you for making my year a little bit brighter. Thank you for reigniting my love of art. Thank you for creating. Thank you for existing.

You’re no longer just some random dude lmao. You’re the creature who fixed the apocalypse, the creature who brought together thousands of people and built a family. A family of turtles and fans.

In honor of C.A.S I wanted to color and animate the final panel of the comic. Im still learning color theory and digital art but you’ve inspired me to improve, and what better way to start than with the end? It was a beautiful ending, so perfectly paced and full of a peaceful hope twinged with a bittersweet sadness. Your comic might be done, but this turtle family will live on forever.

Now go take a well-deserved nap and relish in your success!

[lukellios]

What a difference six years makes

[ducktracy]

there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so it’s very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that they’re not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world it’s such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously it’s important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might not—“it’s hard! it’s scary! people will make fun of me! it’s useless because there’s too much evil!” are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesn’t get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love

[dollypopup]

I truly cannot overstate just how much I adore Colin Bridgerton as a male love lead, and how important his story is, in particular in a current, modern reading. We live in a time of alpha male machismo that in many ways mirrors the sexism of the historical time period Colin is in, and we have a hero who explicitly rejects it. More than that, we have a hero who first tries on the persona, first tries to fit in, and then determines, with no outside influence and all on his own, that it's wrong. That he doesn't want to be like the men of his society, that he doesn't like the expectation of sex without love and commitment and connection, that he doesn't want to be 'one of the boys', even if it comes at their derision.

Because when Violet says he has always been her most sensitive child, when he has always considered others before himself, when he has always offered a joke or a moment of levity- for so long, he felt he had to. That there was no other choice.

Colin Bridgerton, The Great Pretender, is finally coming into the light.

Take my hand. Come walk with me.

Colin's arc is incredibly clear, and incredibly dear to me. We can track his progress throughout the seasons he has been in, but if we consider his backstory, it comes even more in clarity.

Piecing together a timeline with some influence from the books and loose historical accuracy, Colin loses his father at 12 and then is sent off to Eton. And he is a tiny thing when his father passes, shorter even than his 9 year old sister, Eloise.

(Yes, I checked!! He's half a head shorter than Eloise, and an entire head shorter than Daphne. This boy is SMALL)

So it makes a lot of sense to me that this is the start of his fake-it-to-make-it personality. He cannot grieve with his family in these circumstances, he's been sent off to school with other boys who are bigger and stronger than him, and he must realize relatively quickly that weakness in their eyes will never be tolerated. In fact, Eton was well known for corporal punishment and bullying during this time. Older boys were well known to mistreat the younger once, and considering just how small and soft-hearted Colin is, and just how vulnerable he is having lost his father-

Of course Colin would become a target of such.

And despite that, we meet him in Season 1 with an endearing earnestness and hopefulness in the world. Something inside him, something sweet and gentle and warm, thrives to live. And fights against grief to do so. How easy it would have been for him to lose his father and be bitter. How easy for him to see his father die from the steps of Aubrey Hall, to be sent to a boarding school away, and withdraw in on himself.

And yet, he doesn't.

At least, not in the way one would suspect. Instead, Colin becomes a chronic people pleaser. If the people around him are happy, then he will be safe. Will not be hurt. And they have no space for his own hurt, regardless. There's hardly even any space for his mirth, as most people didn't even reply to his letters on his travels the previous season.

In Colin's confession in Season 3, he says 'I have spent so long trying to feel less', and this numbing begins early in his life. He's a consummate gentleman in Season 1. He does everything by the book, everything as he should. He wants to be accepted in his society, wants to be taken seriously, wants to belong. So he sees a pretty woman, and he gets along with her well enough, and he courts her. Openly, honestly, in full view. It isn't a heart-stopping love, but he has numbed himself for years at this point, so affection will do, and if proper men of his society are married, well, maybe he'd finally be taken seriously.

And yet, no one notices him, even still. No one except Penelope. His own mother doesn't recognize his behavior, and worries for him after she does. How long has it been since she's actually seen him? We know from the show that he's incredibly close to his mother, and loves her dearly, but we also know that after Edmund's passing, Violet was mired in grief and post-partum depression. Colin misses much of this as a firsthand witness since he's at school, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be able to tell, wouldn't be affected by losing his mother and father in one fell swoop. In fact, Colin loses his connection to the majority of his family in being sent to school so soon after the tragedy. So of course he comes back and he tries not to make waves. Tries to do things correctly.

His friction with Anthony proves time and time again that nothing he does is entirely ever able to fully please him, and this causes contention in their brotherly bond. Of all the siblings, Anthony is arguably the most harsh with Colin. And he is also the model for who a man should be in the family, as the head of the family.

So when Anthony sees Colin earnestly try to marry, he scoffs him off. Accuses Colin of only wanting to marry to have sex, and then claiming "It is my fault. I should have taken you to brothels." This is the first on-screen shaming of Colin looking for connection before sex, and Colin doubles down. He wants to marry for love.

But he doesn't actually love Marina. Neither of them truly know each other, and so when it all blows up, and he is humiliated to the entirety of his community, Colin gets his first taste of romantic failure. He tried to do it right, and it ended more wrong than he could have ever imagined. So, maybe Anthony was right. Maybe he is just a foolish, green boy, who has no idea how to go about things. The fallout of his failed engagement echoes in the persona he puts on in Season 3, and the choices he undergoes during them. Is it any wonder he ends up going to brothels to have unfulfilling sex if even his own BROTHER, the head of his family, tells him to do so?

It doesn't happen right away, though. Despite the fact that no one truly checks on him or sees how this breakup effects him (Eloise dismisses the hurt he must feel in light of such events with an honestly rather accurate wave-away "Men are always less affected", and that is true), it is evident that he is NOT okay.

We leave Colin in Season 1 putting on a mask, a happy face to his family, a 'you inspired me' to Penelope, and then spends his travels sad. Depressed. Taking drugs to try to ease his mind, occupying himself with writing to Penelope. In Season 2, he spends the entirety of it trying to be useful. And he does this with Penelope. He feels deeply for her, he cares so much for her, and he even says it to her aloud 'You are special to me' and 'I will always look after you' and how he could never give her up. Season 2 is a season of healing for Colin- he closes his chapter with Marina with a relationship post-mortum conversation after he does a wellness check to make sure she's alive (let's be real here, no one else was going to reach out to her. She made it clear to him that even her own father didn't want her), makes amends with Will, proves himself useful to Penelope, and departs on a high: he thinks he threaded the needle. He thinks he was successful sending Jack off, that he made Penelope happy, and that he's in with The Boys.

But whilst the person he is around Penelope is genuine, the person he is around these men are not. We know from Season 3 that they don't actually like him. They make snide, underhanded comments toward him, and laugh at him. I stand by the idea that end of season 2 is Fife and Co. laughing at Penelope AND laughing at Colin. They don't care about their friendship, they're teasing him for caring about her so openly, and Colin is protective of the relationship he has with Penelope. So he makes a comment for the boys, and puts on his mask. 'I would never court Penelope Featherington' (look, I'm just like you. I walk like you, talk like you, speak like you) 'Not in your wildest fantasies, Fife' (I am one of you one of you one of you- so why does it feel so hollow?)

He gets, now, his first taste of acceptance from them. They come to him to Mondrich's bar, he repays his slight against him, and he feels he is one of them. (Does he truly *want* to be one of them?) And so when we open Season 3, it's a smooth progression.

Colin is walking the walk and talking the talk, and yet his heart isn't in it. He's not one of these smarmy men, but he mimics them. Their behavior. In part, at least. Whilst Fife is out preying on 18 year old women in coat closets, Colin is telling gaggles of girls how pretty they are and how with such nice dresses, they're sure to find a husband. He makes it clear he's not an option, but that he doesn't mind being a fantasy. And Luke Newton does an amazing job making that clear: there are three sides of Colin. The Colin portrayed to his society in the light in good company (1) and the Colin portrayed to his society in the dark, in. . .less savory circles (aka: The Lads)(2), his 'armor' as his mum calls it. And finally, the most important but the one kept closest to the chest: the Colin of truth. The Colin who cries alone in his room after a breakup, the Colin who doesn't burden others with his feelings, the Colin who writes to Penelope, the Colin who loves deeply and feels deeply.

But his society has no use for a man like the real Colin, they do not *want* a man like real Colin, so he puts it under lock and key. And so much of this is centered around his feelings about sex, so here comes my 'Colin is Queer' soapbox. Colin does not experience sexual attraction like the rest of the men of the ton. He is expected to find it casual and be cavalier about it. To just want to fuck for the sake of fucking. But Colin needs love and romance and connection to actually enjoy sexual interactions. Nowadays, we recognize this as being on the asexual spectrum, of being demisexual, but he didn't have words for that in the time period he's in, so he has to forge ahead to figure himself out without a community identity to find solidarity with. That's what makes the brothel scenes so interesting as a narrative device: in the first, he's masking even in the midst of it, and in the second, he can't. After kissing Penelope, he finally, for the first time in his life, has a sexual interaction that means something to him.

It's the first one he truly enjoys, and the first one that feels right to him. It clicks for him that oh, that's what it's meant to be like. And the strain of that realization whilst still having to be what his society expects of him puts immense stress on his shoulders. You see how he grows more and more uncomfortable about the conversations, until finally he rejects it outright.

Even when it's very much not encouraged for him to do so. He's even told "You are much more fun this season." That's why he hides himself. From near everyone, even his family, even his brothers. It's telling how Anthony's positive interaction with Colin is when they're at the club, and Anthony praises him for his most recent attention. Have we seen much of Anthony being proud of Colin, otherwise? Not really. So he's reinforced in his persona. Doesn't boast of his travels because it didn't have anyone liking him for it, before. Doesn't even say how many cities he's gone to. Except with Penelope.

In the books, there's a line about their kiss, referencing how his world will never be the same. And it won't be. Because when Colin says that she helps him see the world in new ways, it's in a multitude of meanings.

Penelope refuses to let him wear the mask, because in truth, Penelope is the only one who doesn't like it. Not only does she see the real Colin, but she enjoys the real Colin. Whilst everyone else is simpering over Colin's new look and attitude, rejects who he is in reality, Penelope dismisses it, wants the person she knows him to be instead. It's only when he strips down the facades that Penelope allows him into her life again. And her Whistledown article was harsh, but it was also true. He *is* masking. He *is* putting on a persona and a role. But she was wrong when she asked if Colin even knows which is real: Colin knows very well which is real. And he also knows the realities of him haven't been accepted.

When Colin tells Penelope charm can be taught, he speaks from experience. When he says 'living for the expectations of others is a trap' it is because he has already fallen into it, and if he can't dig himself out, maybe he can keep her from it. Colin tells her 'you do not need lessons' and that she is fine exactly as she is, because just as she sees the real him and loves him, he sees the real her, and loves her, too. But they both live in the constraints of their society, and so they both put on the masquerade. Even sometimes to hide from each other.

The current climax of his arc is when he's out with the lads, after they all go off to the brothel again, and he disassociates from the experience. Playing cards and insisting on sharing sexual exploits, to which he does not want to take part, and makes a lighthearted dig at them. 'There is no gentleman at this table'. He includes himself in that, and then clarifies. He speaks aloud for the first time to them the truth of his heart- 'Do you not ever tire of the expectation to remain cavalier about the one thing in life that holds genuine meaning? Do you not find it lonely?' Can it really only just be him?

And it is. Or, maybe it isn't, but the rest of them aren't brave enough to admit it, so they're okay in making him feel like it is, in outcasting him for being a romantic, for caring about a woman beyond what she can provide for him sexually. Colin professes he doesn't like who he's become, doesn't like the expectations for him to behave the way he has, and they laugh at him. Again. He is made fun of, again.

He goes home and he falls in his bed and he feels like he lost it all. Lost Penelope to his own advice, and lost his newfound shine in his community. But when he's faced with which one matters more to him, he chooses Penelope. Unhesitatingly.

Colin chooses to be sensitive. He chooses to be a warm-hearted, gentle man in a society that prefers sexist machismo. Act one way in the light and another in the shadows. Colin wants to live authentically, as a man he doesn't really have a role model for. He is brave and he is tender, he sees the sexism of his society and he rejects it. He sees the importance Penelope has in his life, the way she makes him feel, and he embraces her wholeheartedly. He wants love and romance, he wants connection and meaning.

Colin, The Great Pretender, sick of pretending. Colin, walking into that ballroom and giving Fife the cut direct when he invites him out. Colin, cutting into a dance in the middle of a ball between Penelope and a man the entire city knows is about to propose. Colin staring deeply into her eyes with such unfiltered longing even *Cressida* can't help but notice what's going on. Colin running off after Penelope in full view of his society, outrunning a *carriage* to see her. Begging her to let him in. Colin on his knees, all but flaying his chest open for Penelope to see his heart. Colin made a choice when that candle flickered out, and his choice was Penelope. His choice was himself. And his choice was to flip off societal expectation and to live for love, damn the consequences.

I think our own world would be a better place if modern men took his example, too. Colin Bridgerton as male love lead in Bridgerton, a global show, is such a refreshing, wonderful example. A man who tried to be like what the world wanted, and who decided to go against the gender norms of his time. A man who prioritizes the woman he loves, who risks ridicule in doing so and comes to realize that he doesn't care. He doesn't care anymore about being one of the boys, one of the lads, one of the guys. Fuck his society if his society can't recognize the beauty of what he feels with Pen. He cares about being the best self he can be. And that best self is around Penelope, inspired by Penelope.

Because how he is with Penelope? God, I could swoon. At every turn, he prioritizes her comfort and personhood. He validates her, he sees her in beautiful, positive light and he helps her see herself that way, too. He encourages her to be brave because he already feels she is, he refuses to let her call herself stupid or a laughingstock, he apologizes without excuses, he checks in on her every step of the way. He's so passionate in that carriage, he's burning for her, he's yearning, but he doesn't do anything until she agrees for him to. He confesses his feelings and when she says they're friends, he backs off. He listens, he cares. He apologizes for overstepping her boundaries, and then when she gives him her consent, the only thing on his mind is showing how much he wants and appreciates her by providing her pleasure. Colin, the people pleaser, dedicated only to pleasing two people in that moment: Penelope, and himself. Because he wants to do that, to give her an orgasm that exists just for her. He's a witness to it, and that's pleasure for him, too. He waits for her nod of consent, he revels in seeing her enjoying herself. And the aftercare- I could cry.

Colin is a man who had every single reason not to be a kind, sensitive soul, and still he chose it. Chose to share it because the headline, even a wallflower can bloom, that's not just for Penelope.

It's for Colin, too.

[bookalicent]

yeah so this was insane

[egophiliac]

@enderfore replied to your post “What do you think of Rook's savanaclaw card? <333”:

Chenya pic where???? I can barely see anything in that room there so much going on, rooks such a lil freak (affectionatr)

​he's under the row of flags on Neige's side of the room, next to the big Neige poster with the yellow background (look just to the right of the hand holding the apple)! he's REAL little; once you know he's there you can kind of see him in-game, but I only noticed him in the first place because I took a screenshot and was having fun zooming in on all the details!

I think that's either Hop or Snick and Dominic on either side of Neige, but if the others are meant to be anyone in particular I don't recognize 'em. though I do love all the absolutely terrifying implications of Rook having this. was this some kind of officially-published merchandise (and if so, why) or did Rook like...go hunting through the RSA trash to find this random student lineup just because it included Neige, and has had it hanging proudly on the wall ever since. (I mean, he definitely did do this, I don't know why I'm asking. the real question is why he hasn't cut out little pictures of his own face and stuck them over everyone else's yet.)

there is seriously SO MUCH in this room. how did Rook manage to keep this hidden for three years. also, somebody give this background artist a raise immediately.

[lesbianrobin]

ok so here is my pitch for my dream buddie catalyst:

eddie and maddie are trapped in some sort of likely-fatal time sensitive situation together (drowning related probably because it's Them) (have they overused it yes is it still thematically appropriate YES) where one person could potentially sacrifice themselves for the other to survive. i want eddie and maddie using their combined experience and ingenuity to survive together and discussing who should be prioritized which means they talk about parenthood and how they both feel they've failed their children by "running," how their lives have been so defined by trauma and they don't want to scar their children any further by leaving them again. of course they're doing everything they can to get out together, but as the situation deteriorates throughout the episode(s) (c'mon something like this could be at LEAST a two-parter) they can't help returning periodically to the world's most morbid debate.

i want buck and chim on the outside both going out of their goddamn minds. they know that eddie and maddie are stuck (wherever), know that they're probably alive, but aren't sure in what condition and if they'll stay that way. rescue operations begin as everybody walks on eggshells around buck and tries to comfort chim, who wants absolutely none of it. time is running out.

eddie says that he couldn't possibly let maddie sacrifice herself for him and look buck and chim in the eye afterwards. maddie says that she couldn't do that either. she says that at least jee-yun would still have her father, and eddie says that christopher would still have buck. maddie says that of course none of them would just abandon christopher if something were to happen to him but—

and eddie cuts her off and says it's in my will. if i die, christopher will have buck. buck will have christopher.

they just look at each other for a weighted moment. maddie makes a decision. she says ...i meant it, you know. that i couldn't let you die down here (wherever here is i don't KNOW okay i'm not here to think up convoluted emergencies i'm here for drama) and look my baby brother in the eye knowing that i could have changed it. eddie says i know, okay, but it's different, you're his sister, and maddie says, yeah, but you're his... and she pauses. and eddie says what? best friend? partner? that doesn't—

and maddie says you're his. eddie, you're his.

and eddie... i want to see something slot into place. i want to watch him understand as maddie spills everything she's been suspecting since the day that buck came out to her and maybe since before she and eddie even met. maddie says you know, when i first came to california, you were all he talked about? you're still all he talks about. you and christopher. you're his. i couldn't... eddie, you're out of your mind if you really don't think that losing you would break him just as much as losing me. he would forgive us both, because he's buck, but i couldn't... i'm no saint, eddie, i want to survive. i don't want my daughter to grow up without me. but i can't do that to him. i don't know if he'd survive it. even if he did, the guilt would eat me alive.

meanwhile. buck is barely holding on to his sanity as rescue efforts are underway and time is running out. chimney is keeping it together as best he can but there isn't much that he and buck can do. he can't let himself fall apart because buck is already a stiff breeze away from clawing his own skin off and somebody has to keep their cool. something goes wrong—suddenly, their short amount of time has gotten shorter, and they may only have enough of a window to get one out before it's too late for the other. buck, who has been ranting and arguing and screaming this whole time... is silent. he is silent, and he stares straight ahead at nothing in particular, and we know that no matter which way the scales tip, his soul will be destroyed all the same.

eddie regards maddie for a moment. grief, heartbreak, anger, all flicker over him, but what settles is determination. he says that neither of them are going to leave again. that they'll survive together, or not at all, or leave it to the universe to decide.

of course they make it out. by the skin of their teeth, they make it out, working together, clawing their way back to life and love and possibility. maddie makes it out first, and eddie sees buck as she falls into chim's waiting arms. he watches as buck sees his sister, and reaches out to take her hand with trembling fingers and white knuckles, but there is no relief, no happiness in his red-rimmed eyes. just a deep, unspeakable grief, until his eyes slide past maddie and meet eddie's.

finally: relief. and then he is in buck's arms, a perfect parallel to chim and maddie, and we see eddie's face over buck's shoulder, and we know. he is in love, and buck is in love, and eddie knows, and he sinks into his partner's embrace with joy and acceptance.

after that, who knows? maybe a grand confession. a moment of quiet understanding. a passionate post-rescue kiss. a chaste, tender kiss in some kitchen or other. maybe eddie panics later, or maybe he's found peace for once. maybe buck has realized something and he makes the first move. maybe it happens immediately. maybe it takes a while, takes discussions about how it'll affect work and christopher and whether it's worth risking all that they have for all that they want.

and maybe they'll ask whether it's even a risk at all.