#these were very spur of the moment last night while i was trying to work on other art

[sad-leon]

Made more Leo Pride Stickers on my RedBubble!!

There are just four examples, but there are 15 designs total!!

I still wanna make designs for the other turtles, but right now we got many Leo pride designs :D

[roosterforme]

Boys Night In | Rooster x Reader

Summary: The boys make Bradley self conscious about you, and you give them a formal dressing down.

Warnings: Fluff and angst and more fluff, swears and adult banter

Length: 2100 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female Reader

This was written to accompany my series Is It Working For You?

Check my masterlist! Banner by @mak-32

Bradley hated asking you to make yourself scarce for the night, right after you'd moved in with him no less. You didn't seem to mind though, rather you seemed really excited to go out dancing with Phoenix. 

You walked out of the bedroom just as Hangman, Coyote and Bob arrived, and Bradley took a moment to ogle you in your skin tight black dress paired with your beat up high tops. "Jesus, you look hot."

You just chuckled at him. "Even with these shoes? I don't want my feet to hurt, so I figured, who cares right?"

Bradley just shook his head as he let the guys inside. "Don't even think about talking to any other boys tonight. Phoenix is allowed to, but not you," he joked. 

You laughed and kissed his cheek, greeting everyone as they arrived. Bradley noticed Bob blush as you hugged him briefly, and as many times as he had told Hangman not to look at you, he was still looking at you. Specifically your ass. Bradley was going to need to have another conversation. 

And then he had to listen to Coyote flirting with you as well. "Oh, you're going out dancing? Rooster lets you go out dressed like that? You know, I think I'll skip the beers and poker game and join you instead," he told you, linking your arm through his elbow.

As Fanboy and Payback arrived, the flirtatious banter just escalated. Bradley didn't really mind. He did realize you were objectively very pretty, and you were a good sport about the teasing. Plus, they were really trying to get a rise out of Rooster, not you. So he decided not to react at all.

"Have fun, Baby Girl," he told you, planting a lingering kiss on your lips before you waved and left for the evening. 

Fanboy hooted with laughter. "Oh man, you're so lucky, Rooster."

Bradley just smirked and led everyone to the brand new dining room table to play cards while Hangman pulled a bunch of beers from the fridge. He knew what the other guys must be thinking, but he was happy they never said it out loud.

Until they did.

After a few games of poker and a case and a half of beer, the guys all stood to stretch and have some snacks. "These cookies are amazing," Payback remarked, eating a stack of three of the chocolate chip cookies you had made for them to enjoy. "Did Y/N make them?"

"Mmhmm," Bradley confirmed while he finished his beer. "She bakes and cooks all the time. I've gained so much weight in the last three months, it's ridiculous," he said, patting his still fairly muscular abdomen. 

Hangman just shook his head. "I still can't believe you got her to move in with you, man. Nice work."

"You still sore she turned you down?" Bradley asked with a grin.

"Nah. She's better off with you. Don't get me wrong, she's hot, but I would have probably just tried to hit it and move on, if I'm being honest," Hangman told him. The look in Bradley's eyes must have spurred him on to add, "Which is why it's great that you and she are together, man! She's awesome! Everyone likes her a lot!"

Bob, who was clearly drunk, decided to chime in next. “I’m just surprised you bought the house and had her move in this quickly, Rooster. Usually you’re quick to get a girl to leave after she's been in your bed once."

All five guys exploded in laughter around Rooster. Fuck, he knew he had a reputation, but he wasn't like that anymore. At all. There was only you now.

"Very funny," he muttered, setting down his fresh beer. He had a tight feeling in his stomach that was making him uncomfortable. If this is how his friends felt about him, that was pretty telling. God, was it embarrassing for you to be with him? He couldn't stand that thought in his head, but he could tell it was already taking up residence there. 

"I can't believe she settled for you, bro. But good on you," Coyote told him.

"I never thought we would see the day when you would retire from sleeping around," said Fanboy, shaking his head. "But she's a real sweetheart, so you made a good choice. She's definitely a dime. It's honestly crazy how you pulled this off." Fanboy clapped him on the back, but Bradley just stood there for a few extra beats as everyone else returned to the poker table. 

------------------------------------

Even with the sneakers on, your feet were aching when you arrived home just after midnight. Phoenix had you dancing to every single song the DJ played, and you'd had so much fun with her. 

As you stepped onto the porch, you could hear the boys inside. It sounded like a mini frat party was happening. You unlocked the door and let yourself in, only to find Coyote was already passed out on the couch. Bob was for some reason sitting on the kitchen floor holding a plate of cookies. Rooster, Hangman, Payback and Fanboy were playing a video game really loudly. Every single one of them looked slightly drunk. 

"Having fun?" you asked the room at large.

A chorus of yeses greeted your ears, and Rooster immediately dropped his game controller to give you a hug and sloppy kiss on your cheek.

"Rooster! We're playing melee, dude!" complained Fanboy, slurring his words a bit. "We're gonna lose if you don't come back!"

"Play three player for a minute," Bradley told them as he followed you through the living room like a puppy. He watched you stop to pat Bob gently on the head, earning you a look of adoration from the WSO.

"You okay, Bob? Need anything?" you asked him sweetly.

"No, Y/N, I'm fine," Bob told you, his eyes a little glassy. "Rooster was right about you, ya know?"

You crouched down next to Bob to hear him better over the noise the others were making. "Oh yeah? Rooster was right about what?"

You turned to look up at your boyfriend. He'd clearly overindulged in drinking tonight, and he had a miserable, sad look on his face. He was alternating between reaching his hands out toward you and then tucking them into his jeans pockets.

"He stopped sleeping with anything with tits when he met you. Good decision," Bob slurred, taking your hand in his and kissing it.

"Oh," was all you managed to say as you withdrew your hand and stood to face Bradley. "That was a strange thing to say," you remarked, trying to lighten the tense look on Bradley's face. 

Bradley swayed a bit on his feet and just grunted in response. When you reached for him, he started walking toward your bedroom.

"What's wrong, Roo?" you asked, following him in.

He looked dejected, running his hand up and down the back of his neck. "Is it embarrassing for you? Being with me?" 

"Bradley? What are you talking about?" you asked, reaching for his hand. He wouldn't look you in the eye, no matter what you did. 

"I'm talking about us," he murmured, staring at the wall above your head. 

You pulled on his hands until he finally met your eyes. "I don't understand what you mean, Bradley."

"I need to know if I embarrass you. Apparently I'm just a retired manwhore, Y/N. That's how they all see me. That's how everybody sees me."

Your eyes went wide, gaping at him as you searched his face. "Roo, nobody sees you that way!" you told him, pulling him down to sit on the foot of the bed next to you. 

"The guys all do. They are genuinely shocked you're with me."

You cracked your knuckles and pulled your shoes off, tossing them into the corner. "They told you that tonight? They literally called you a 'retired manwhore'?"

Bradley just looked at you, misery on his face. "You're too good for me, Sweetheart. You could do a lot better than dating me."

You pushed his hair off of his forehead and caressed his cheek, and Bradley leaned into your touch. "Oh, Roo," you whispered before kissing his lips softly. "Nobody gets to talk to you like that when I'm around." You placed one more gentle kiss on the tip of his nose and pulled him to his feet. 

Once you had dragged him back into the living room, you clapped your hands loudly, waking up Coyote and making Bob jump to attention, cookies flying everywhere. Then you reached behind the TV and unplugged it forcefully from the wall.

"Listen up, assholes!" All six men just stared at you, thoroughly confused and quite drunk. "On your feet!" 

You watched as all six of these large men lined up silently in front of you, expressions of concern and fear on their faces. 

"Now, one or more of you made my boyfriend feel bad about himself, and that's not going to work for me. Understand?" You lectured loudly, pacing back and forth and making eye contact with each of them in turn. When you reached Bradley, you gave him a little peck on the cheek before continuing back down the line.

"You don't get to call Rooster names or make fun of him. Didn't you learn that in elementary school? It's not nice to do that to people. And sadly for you, now I'm in a not nice mood."

Bob audibly gulped. Hangman pressed his lips together in a tight line. Fanboy looked like he was going to wet himself. 

"It doesn’t matter who or what he used to do. He’s with me now, you absolute dickwads! Would any of you like to come forward and tell me to my face that you think I'm a joke? That you think I make poor decisions? That you think I settled for Rooster?"

They all stood silently in their lineup, staring straight ahead. None of them moved except for Bradley, who turned to face you with a look of absolute devotion on his face. You winked at him before you continued.

"No? I didn't think so. Furthermore, for all you know, I could have fucked a million other guys before Bradley. But the only thing you know for sure is that you think I'm pretty, and that I've never fucked any of you. And I never will. Except for you, Roo."

Bradley was smiling now.

"You all have exactly one minute to apologize sincerely to Bradley and then to me, or I will kick you out of my house and you'll never be invited back. And it better sound sincere, or I'm telling Penny that you insinuated that I settled for Rooster. I'll have her ring that bell every time you're at the Hard Deck, and I'll invite all of my friends to drink on your tabs. One minute starts right now." You crossed your arms and watched as they jumped into action.

Each man apologized in turn to Bradley and then to you with looks of real remorse on their faces. Fanboy looked like he might cry as he told you, "I didn't mean what I said to Rooster. And I'm sorry I upset you. I love the two of you together."

Bob was still wiping cookie crumbs off of his shirt as he gave you a gentle hug. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I should have never said what I did. I'm embarrassed, and I'll never do it again."

Payback looked at the floor as he apologized profusely. "You're right. It wasn't funny. Rooster and you are lucky to have each other."

Hangman half smiled at you and nodded. "Angel, you're perfect for him. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset either of you."

Coyote just said, "I'm very sorry, ma'am."

You uncrossed your arms. "Apologies accepted. Now you are welcome to crash here since you're all sloppy drunk. But I'm not going to get up and make you waffles in the morning like I originally planned." The looks of devastation on their faces were very satisfying as you continued. "I know you are all better than this, and I expect you to be better in the future. Now I'm taking this one and going to sleep," you said firmly, taking Bradley's hand in yours and heading to bed. 

"And don't you ever doubt that I want to be with you," you told Bradley. "I love you, Roo."

The next morning, you woke up early and made french press coffee and a stack of heart shaped pancakes just for Bradley's hangover. You tossed some granola bars and bottles of water at the rest of the guys. They moped as they inhaled the delicious smell of pancakes cooking, but they were nonetheless on top-notch behavior for you from that day forward. 

--------------------------------

Thanks for reading!!! This might be my new favorite B and BG moment!

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[differenteagletragedy]

With the idea about the MC (Baxter route) with bad parents, got a lot of feels imagining a scenario where maybe Baxter had no idea that they do. Maybe like him, MC is very cheery and just doesn't show when something is wrong because they want everyone else to not worry and have a good time.

He learns about it the day that he cuts contact with MC. It could even be that MC's parents were actually pleasantly surprised that MC got a "rich" boyfriend (not why MC dated him of course) and then things went south when they learned about the breakup.

Baxter hears/learns about it before he leaves and (definitely very impulsively) decides to just take MC with him, because he wouldn't be able to handle the guilt of leaving them with those kinds of parents. MC're 18 (legally an adult) so it can't be considered a kidnapping and MC goes willingly anyway ofc.

He also has zero plan for once but won't regret it.

Aww, thank you for this one! I want to bundle up MC with Bad Parents and love them forever <3

Baxter was usually always so careful, meticulously planning every move for the best possible outcome. He knew his own limits, he knew what he liked and what he didn't, and things may not have always worked out as well as he hoped, but he did always have a plan.

Except for this time.

He sat in his cushy first class seat on the plane back to Virginia, legs primly crossed and hands placed delicately in his lap, and looked over at you, curled up in the seat next to him, fast asleep.

Yes, this time things had veered wildly off track.

It all had happened very, very fast. He'd said his goodbyes, dropped the news that he wouldn't be keeping in touch at all once he left, and he'd had to maintain a cool disposition while you cried. He closed the door on you, literally and figuratively -- he remembered sinking to the floor once he'd gotten inside, but he didn't recall how long he'd stayed there.

While Baxter was sitting in the dark of his empty condo, feeling sorry for himself and trying desperately to make himself believe that he'd done the right thing, he heard the yelling begin. He couldn't make out everything, but he heard your name several times, and he could tell the noise was coming from your home.

Even though he didn't catch every word, he certainly caught the tone, and the familiarity sent him reeling. He'd been screamed at like this before by his own parents. The racket across the street brought back some of his worst memories, and it also made the guilt that was already simmering inside him rise to a boil.

Before he really knew what he was doing, he'd pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened the app for the airline he used. As the screams from your home brought up a visceral feeling of dread, he quickly hit a series of buttons, and soon he'd been able to purchase a second ticket for his flight. His fingers hesitated for a moment then, but then he heard your name cried out so much more brutally than he knew you'd ever deserved, and that spurred him on to take the last step.

"I'm leaving in three hours," he typed out in a text message. "I have an extra ticket if you would like to join me."

It didn't make sense -- even with as rashly as he'd acted, he knew that much. How would it look, for him to have been so detached at what he'd thought had been your final goodbye only for him to turn around so soon after and invite you to fly across the country with him? If you accepted, what would happen once you landed? If, as he assumed was much more likely, you refused, then he knew he'd tainted your memories of the summer even more than he already had, which didn't sit well with him either.

Before he could get too lost in thought, his phone vibrated in his hand. He looked down, and saw that you'd responded.

"Ok," you'd written.

He had his answer.

It had been a very eventful night, and Baxter was sure that he'd spend plenty of time thinking about it all in the days to come, but for now he was pulled out of his thoughts by a warm hand grasping onto his.

He looked over, and you were awake, a small smile on your face just for him.

With that, no matter what else happened, he knew he'd made the right decision.

[withacapitalp]

Dear Steven Steve,

I do not even know why I am writing this. I should just pick up the phone and call you. You are probably not there anyway, but you will call back. You always call back. 

I never do, and I know I should. 

Maybe I have stopped calling so often, because I am worried this will finally be the time you do not call back. That I will finally have done enough to push you away. Maybe I am just scared, which sounds so silly. But I am. I'm scared to call my own son.

I am writing this letter because it is easier than trying to say it out loud. I have tried to write this so many times, but I am failing. I do no’t have half of your courage, or a quarter of your passion. You did not get it from your father either, so I am not sure where it came from. Maybe it came from Robert but we were only together for a night-

I am writing because of what happened when I came home this weekend.

I know, I was not supposed to be home. It was a spur of the moment thing. I was finally able to look away from my own selfish needs long enough to realize I hadn’t seen you in over a month. I needed to grab my navy blue cocktail dress. You know, the one your father likes?

You did not know I was there, so do not feel bad. 

I didn’t want you to know. 

You always feel bad about those things. It makes me so angry sometimes. You feel bad when you miss us being home, which is ridiculous. I saw the calendar on the wall by the phone. You keep such careful notes, but sometimes you miss us anyway, and you act like it’s your fault. The truth is we usually plan it to be home when we know you’ll be busy. Your father does that, not me. 

But I don’t fight him on it enough. 

I just didn’t want to bother you. I thought you would be at work, but when I pulled up, your car was there. There were lots of cars there, and I could hear music and laughter in the backyard. I thought you might’ve been having a party. 

You know we’ve told you so many times about having parties while we’re gone. 

It feels kind of hypocritical now. Do I really have any right to tell you how you spend your time when you’re alone? When I’ve left you alone for so long?

But this wasn’t a party, at least not the kind your father and I disapprove of, so I’m not mad. Please don’t think I am. I don’t want you to go back to always being alone in that house. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t keep having people over. You’re an adult now. 

There were people all over the backyard. Kids in the pool, a cluster of adults sitting at the picnic table. 

And you. 

You were dancing along to the music, singing even. I can’t remember the last time I heard you sing. I can’t even remember the last time I saw you smile like that. You don’t smile anymore, you haven’t since I started going with your father on his trips. Since that blonde whore- 

You fake your smiles well, you got that from me, but I know it isn’t real. I’ve been faking my smiles for almost nine years now.  

You have a good voice. 

Steven, Steve. I have no idea how to word this, so I’ll just be blunt. 

I saw you dancing with a boy. 

Did I miss something? Should I have been home more often? Is this some late teen rebellious stage? You never even so much as looked at a boy in the wrong way before, and I found you dancing with one in front of over a dozen people. None of them even batted an eye. They all knew. 

How could a bunch of strangers know this, when I had no idea? 

Were you ever going to tell me? 

I haven’t told your father. I think he would actually kill you if he found out. 

He means well, but his methods are- but there’s- Everything he’s ever done was to try and make you

At the very least he would disown you, and then I might never get the chance to fix things. 

I won’t tell him, Steven. It’s your decision if you want him to know. But I know. 

I know and I Love you. I still love you just as much. I have always loved you. You were the most important thing to me. My one and only child, the only baby I was ever able to have. You were a miracle, don’t you know that? Every doctor said I would never be able to have a child, but here you are. You matter more than anything, and I lost sight, and I’m sorry. 

I can’t say that I agree with your decisions. I don’t. I never will. Your father and I have raised you to be better.

Can it count as raising you if I abandoned you at ten years old to chase a man who never loved me enough? Can you ever forgive me for that? Do I even deserve a place in your life anymore?

But, like I said, it’s your life. I just thought you should know that I am aware of your secret. 

Is it even a secret? It doesn’t seem to be. Maybe it’s only a secret when it comes to me and your dad. Maybe it’s because you know how we would react. Maybe it’s because you’re scared. Maybe it’s because you’re mad. 

Maybe it’s because I haven’t acted like your mom in almost a decade

We can discuss this the next time I return to Hawkins. 

Love From,

Margaret Harrington

Maggie looked down at the hotel notepad paper, littered with harsh slashing strikes and stilted idiotic words. She sighed and tore it to shreds, throwing the pieces in the overflowing trashcan and starting over. 

Dear Steven,

[skoulsons]

Baylan and Shin’s parting

The scene that has upset (me) or confused (also me) most people. A chunk of people, who I respectfully disagree with, have said that Baylan is “abandoning” Shin. While I agree she definitely feels abandoned, I do not believe that is or ever would be Baylan’s intention. I just don’t think it works.

There’s an obvious amount of care (love, you could say) in their relationship. They’re not your typical competitive Sith master / apprentice relationship or Jedi master / padawan where feelings like that were repressed. They’re not mercenaries who were put together for a job or purely for the selfish gain of power. Shin has been under his wing as his padawan, borderline his child, for a long time.

He’s very protective of her as we see most notably in episode 4 when he ‘kills’ Ahsoka because she threw Shin into a rock. That sort of protection that drives you to kill someone (I don’t believe his original intention was to kill her—it was that that set him off) doesn’t come from a lack of love or lack of a relationship.

Their first scene on Peridea is another to consider. They’re comfortable, open, and vulnerable. Shin’s tone when she says “I know no such stories (shoutout to the person who made that post about Baylan telling Shin stories about the Jedi when she was younger. i still think about you)” is a sarcastic tone, almost teasing. They both comfortably smile and are way more relaxed being around just each other. Shin asks him questions without fear and Baylan answers without hesitation.

So, no, I don’t believe he’s abandoning her.

Now, nothing is known for sure. What exactly does he hear? What exactly does he see? What vision does he have?

Hopefully we get that answer, but my (and maybe most of you) bigger concern is why part from Shin for a wasteland and some power (yes yes we know he wants the ‘beginning’ but that’s still kinda VAGUE)?

Again, don’t know the truth, just throwing out ideas. i cant wait to be wrong on every front and be completely humbled tuesday night lolol

For one, he’s sensed and understood her questions and doubts and is actually considering them. He’s recognizing “OK, she doesn’t see all that I do”. He isn’t saying “Nope, I’m forcing you to join me in this”. He’d be a jackass if he did that. Since he seems pretty sold on staying on Peridea for… whatever it is he believes is there, he’s letting her go so she can, in turn, find her footing and take her place in the coming empire. Yes, he doesn’t know if that’s even what she wants, but Shin hasn’t exactly told him what she would want. All she’s mentioned (I think) was about leaving Peridea since Thrawn is desperate to leave as well.

Either way, he’s considering her and letting her go her own way instead of forcing her into a future with him that she obviously isn’t interested in.

Two, Baylan actually knows a lot more than he’s letting on and sees something that is… dangerous. Something he doesn’t want Shin exposed to. Something he knows is dangerous and he’s trying to keep her from (so she doesn’t suffer the same fate as his last padawan—if it’s true, of course). This one seems more selfish than some other thoughts. It can even fit other fandoms—he’ll go into it guns blazing for himself despite its dangers, but not her.

Three, which is just a bit of a vaguer, rephrased Two, he can’t / doesn’t want to lose another padawan if he can help it.

“Oh, then why’d she even follow him to Peridea? Why’d Baylan even let her come if he was going to abandon her anyway?”

He’s her master. Of course she’s going to follow him. It’s the guy she’s known longer than anyone else in her life. Her master, her father figure. Why wouldn’t she follow him? Why wouldn’t she stick it out for him? And, again, don’t believe at all that it’s abandonment or even something that was planned. It seemed very spur of the moment—like an off screen decision being made in Baylan’s head. Parting from her wasn’t something on his bucket list he was waiting to check off.

Fourth, the “ambition” that Baylan said was driving Shin is her willingness (not the word im looking for please read my mind) to embrace the dark side compared to himself. If he truly wants to bring an end to the Jedi v Empire back-and-forth, he’ll stay more Gray. So, he parts from her to give her that freedom. It’s the thing that drives them apart.

There’s even more ways to try and understand why, im sure. These are just word vomits and nothing to be taken as truth.

While I don’t at all believe Baylan’s intention was to abandon her, leave her for dead, etc, I definitely agree that Shin does feel abandoned.

Was the decision easy for Baylan? Highly doubt it. I don’t think he would watch her go, take a deep breath in, and roll his shoulders if it was easy. I don’t think he’d look around after Ahsoka stole his howler and debate going back for her if it was an easy decision. I don’t think he’d wait on the hill to keep watch and protect from a distance if he didn’t care.

I think one thing is for sure. Baylan thinks he’s doing what’s best when it’s really not. Shin looked like a kicked dog when Ahsoka offered to help—and whether that’s because she was reminded of 30 minutes prior on the hill beside him, or 15 years prior when Baylan stood above her and offered his help that started them on their journey (yari put this thought in my noggin), it hurts all the same.

I just hope the finale clears something up

[daydreamgoddess14]

Everything More Than Anything pt. 1

Sydney Adamu x Carmy Berzatto, R rated in future chapters.

Syd works out what she needs to do to get those stars she's dreaming of. Carmy works out what he needs to do to support her.

Full Masterlist

Sydcarmy Masterlist

Chapter 1

In case there’s ever any doubt, knocking on your boss/partner’s door at 3am is never a good idea. Especially when you didn’t actually say goodbye until way past midnight. And he drove you home, and you’ve since undone that goodwill by getting up and walking to his apartment in the middle of the night… Syd considered. Sure, she had pepper spray and a swiss army knife, but she knew this would make him mad as hell. Still, she didn’t care. It wasn’t just a spur of the moment decision either. She’d undertaken specific, strategic research… and then she’d also tossed and turned for the best part of three hours until it became crystal clear what she needed to do, and she didn’t want to wait til 7am to have to tell him.

She’d taken food to Marcus. Trying to make amends, bury a hatchet, get back into his good books… whatever it was, she did it via the route she knew best. Through food. She’d taken the most gorgeous tagine over, warmed it for him, and sat while he ate. Still stilted, their conversation didn’t flow as naturally as it usually did. Their silences stretched out into awkwardness rather than comfort. She was almost relieved when he went to check on his mom, leaving her alone in the kitchen and nursing a mountain of couscous. His phone on the counter had rumbled across the surface with a call. LUCA, the screen flashed. She answered it almost on autopilot, “Hey man, how you doin’?” The figure on the phone wasn’t looking to the camera but at what looked like a tray of perfectly identical pastry cases. He did a double take at the sound of her voice.

“Uhhh hi. Marcus is just out of the room, he’ll be back in a sec?”

“You must be Sydney?” He grinned, she could have cursed, another pretty blond boy and their… eyes. Excellent.

“I am, Luca? Nice to meet you, kinda.”

“You too. Kinda. Have you been looking after my good friend Marcus?”

“Well. I’m trying,” his frown matched hers,

“Everything ok?”

“Long story. I’m sure you’ll hear his side of it.” “I already have.”

“Ahh,” 

“He’ll be ok.” He assured her. She suddenly felt a desperate need to change the subject, 

“So you knew baby Carmy, huh?”

“Yeah, we were just scruffy kids. I was scruffier.”

“I find that very hard to believe.” She replied with an arched eyebrow,

“S’true. And I got more deranged the harder I tried to keep up with him.” He laughed. Something fired in Syd’s brain,

“Say more?”

“I was telling Marcus when he was here. I thought I was the shit, y’know? The golden balls. Then, I had a few days trying to keep up with Carmen, and I was in pieces. Spent the rest of my time watching, learning… trying to keep up with him. It made me a good chef, and I got a really good mate out of it as well. Eventually, anyway. Once we’d stopped trying to kill each other.”

“You didn’t get better than him?”

“Nooo, god no. Not better than him. No one is better than him. Except maybe you, from what I’ve heard.” 

“Heard from who?” She asked curiously.

“Marcus, Terry… the man himself.”

“Now I know that’s a lie, he doesn’t answer his phone.” She cackled.

“He does to a select few. The important people in his life.” She thought back to the last few times she’d called Carmy since he’d emerged from the walk-in. Just stupid ‘what about this?’ kind of calls. He’d picked up before the first ring had even completed every time, answered every text. “We all talk, you know? Not all that often, but we keep up. It’s one thing we’ve never lost from our time with Terry. It’s like she honed in on the fact that we both had shit relationships with our parents and made sure we had her instead.”

“She sounds nice. I was really fucking jealous when Richie got to stage for her.”

“Nah, you should catch her for a cuppa - it’s much more fun. No milk, no sugar.” He advised. “So, I also know through the grapevine that you’re chasing stars?” Syd rolled her eyes, making a mental note to kill Marcus. Or Carmy. One of them, at least. 

“He’s such a little gossip!” She grumbled, “I just think it would be nice.”

“It would, you should go for it. And from what I’ve heard, The Bear is capable of getting them. I’m looking forward to a visit - there’s only so many times I can listen to how good you are. Plus it’s been a long time since Carm cooked for me.” Marcus came back through and took in Syd on the phone to Luca,

“Well, you’ll be welcome anytime. Marcus is here, I’ll let you off the hook now. It was good to meet you.”

“You too. Good luck with the stars.” She handed the phone over to Marcus and went back to her couscous, her mind ticking over.

~~~~~

The conversation with Luca had set things in motion in her brain. Three days later, she found herself loitering outside Ever on her way to work. Every day for a week she took the same route until she saw a figure emerge.

“Excuse me?”

“We don’t have any job openings. Check the website.”

“I’m not here for a job. My… friend, Richie, did a week here a few weeks ago? And my business partner, Carmen, knows Chef Terry and -”

“You’re Sydney?” Her jaw dropped,

“Uhh… yeah? I mean, yes, I didn’t mean that as a question,” she stammered, “that is me, I am her.”

“Richie talked about you a lot, and of course I know of Carmen. I’m Garrett.” The young man held out his hand and shook hers. “You coming in? I take it you’re here to see Chef Terry?” He asked, holding the door open on his way back inside. Though taken aback, Syd didn’t hesitate in following him. He gave her a whistle stop tour of the restaurant and kitchens before leaving her with Jess briefly.

“How’s Richie?”

“He’s good. Really good, actually.” “We miss him. Tell him I said hi?”

“Of course. You guys should come for dinner?” Syd invited,

“Oh god, absolutely. Garrett, Syd said we should go to The Bear.”

“We definitely should. Terry can’t see you today, she said she’s sorry, but she’s got a free hour tomorrow morning if you wanted to help her prep?” 

“Yes. Of course, I’ll be here. 6am?”

“Perfect. I’ll meet you outside.” She gave Jess a small wave and continued on to The Bear to start her day. The conversation with Luca and the quick preview of Ever buzzing in her mind, she felt like a bundle of nerves all day.

“Cariño, you good?” Tina asked as Syd’s knife narrowly missed her finger on its way to the onion she was making a poor attempt at chopping.

“Yeah, T. I’m fine.”

“Boy trouble?” She could feel Carmy, Richie and Ebra all raise their eyes as inconspicuously as possible. Thank fuck Marcus was at an appointment with his mother and Fak was under the pot wash sink.

“Fuck no. No time for that, mama.” She smiled down at Tina who was glaring at Ebra.

“Baby, you should make time for that. You’re like… buzzing. You should get laid.”

“Maybe she should keep buzzin’ an’ that’s the answer!” Richie called over,

“Ay, mind your business Richard! I ain’t talking to you right now, I’m trying to make sure this lady is getting what she needs.” Tina pointed at Richie with her knife.

“I’m just sayin’! She don't need a man, right Syd? Just some decent batteries.”

“Richie, shut the fuck up please. Tina, can we not be having this conversation right now?”

“Hey, it’s all good - you have needs, we all have needs. Might help you relax a little, y’know what I’m sayin’? You're very on edge.” Tina clicked her tongue between her teeth with a wicked grin. Syd scooped up her onions and dumped them into the empty container. 

“Behind.” She stuck her tongue out childishly at Tina and moved around her to the walk-in. With the onions on a shelf, she brought her hands up to her flushed cheeks. Eternally grateful her blushes weren’t broadcast to the world, only she could feel how hot her face felt. She fanned herself with her hand and took a minute.

“Behind, Chef.” Carmy stepped into the chiller with a container of mushrooms. “You ok?”

“Yeah, fine. Good to know there’s no escape from the probing mother figure. Poor Louis.” She grimaced at the thought of Tina’s teenage son trying to hide his sex life from her.

“She’s just looking out for you.” 

“I mean, I’m pretty sure then that she wouldn’t be encouraging… the things that she’s encouraging. But whatever. Either way, I still have no time.” Syd mused before realizing that they were still on Tina’s topic of conversation. “Thank fuck no one knows when I’m blushing.” She muttered, hand on the door to leave,

“I do.”

“Sorry?”

“I can tell when you’re embarrassed. You uhh become very interested in your shoes, and you pull your collar.” He explained, reaching out to put her jacket collar back into place. Her hands were fighting to stay away from it. True to form though, her shoes became very interesting indeed. 

“Didn’t know you were some kind of fuckin’ body language expert,” she huffed a laugh and left him in the walk-in.

~~~~~

The following morning, Syd waited outside with three takeout cups. As Garrett pushed the door, she handed him one.

“Coffee, to thank you for this.” “Nothing to thank me for. Come with me.” He raised the cup in salute and guided her down the previous day's familiar corridors.

“Sydney Adamu. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.” A cheerful voice said as she rounded the corner. Garrett had disappeared already.

“Chef Terry, it’s… it’s an honor to meet you.” Syd put the takeout cups down and held out her hand, only to be pulled into a warm hug.

“You too, darling. Grab a sprig, we’re doing rosemary and basil.” She pointed to the bench where there was already a space out for Syd. 

“Thank you. I got you tea - no milk, no sugar.”

“Then it’s perfect. And very kind of you, thank you.” Syd picked up a bunch of rosemary and set about plucking the tiny leaves from the stalks. “I don’t pull them or drag them, I want the leaf to remain perfect.” Terry explained to Syd. “So tell me, how’s my boy doing?”

“Carmy? Well, I don’t know what your baseline is -”

“He was working for me shortly after his mother drove a car into their dining room.”

“Oh,” Syd realized she didn’t know that story, that there was so much she didn’t know. “Pretty low then?” “Pretty low,” Terry smiled.

“He managed to get locked in our walk-in on our soft open night a few weeks ago.”

“An interesting ploy to get out of appearing in front of the diners.” She chuckled. “Hmm. Broke up with his girlfriend while he was in there.”

“Ouch.”

“And since then, touch wood,” Syd brought a hand to her head like her mother had used to do, “he’s been better, I think? Calmer, more present. Like he’s really trying.”

“There’s a very big difference between the way he used to work in New York to the way I know he wants to work.”

“Yeah, we both don’t want that toxic, shouty,”

“Aggressive, demeaning,”

“All of that - we don’t want that, like, at all.” Syd emphasized, “sometimes it feels impossible, but we’re trying.”

“He’s told me about all of you, you know? How much he cares for you all and believes in you.”

“I think he needs to understand how much we want that for him too?” Syd paused with a sprig of Rosemary in her hand. Terry did the same with her knife hovering over a bunch of basil. “I swear he thinks he’s still alone, and he’s trying to keep all the plates spinning and… it’s a lot.”

“I agree.” She said finally. “It’s hard to convince someone they deserve to be loved or that they're not alone.” She said ruefully. “Is that why you’re here?”

“No. Yes? I’m not really sure. Luca suggested I meet you.” Syd shrugged,

“Ahh, my other brilliant young man. That reminds me, I need to call him.”

“He’d heard that I want us to go for stars at The Bear.”

“Well, I can’t advise you on how to get them, exactly.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t expect you to.” Syd assured her, “I guess I want to understand Carmy better? We seem to have this… unspoken language, and I want to build on it, and there’s so much I want to learn from him, but also I want him to learn as well? Sometimes, I feel like I should try and be more patient with him, but then he does stupid stuff that makes me want to kill him.”

“Oh I know that feeling all too well! The best thing you can do is to make your relationship airtight. The stars we earned here were earned together because we listened to each other and learned from each other.” Syd nodded in agreement,

“Exactly. He kept telling me the stars were bullshit, we didn’t need them, and why would I want them. Like I’m the only one who wants them.”

“There’s nothing wrong with ambition, Sydney. In fact, it suits you beautifully.” Syd smiled, bashful under Terry’s praise.

“I want them for both of us. I kind of want them so that I can use them to beat Carmy with for the rest of our lives to say, I dunno, ‘look what we can achieve when we believe in each other’? Because I do, I believe in him.” She said earnestly.

“I can tell.”

“He spoke to everyone I’d worked for in the past to understand why I wanted to work at the Beef.”

“Did he find the answer he was looking for?”

“I don’t know.”

“And what is the answer?”

“I wanted to work with him.” Terry smiled knowingly.

“Yes. He certainly has that effect.” She set down her knife and picked up her tea instead. “Keep doing what you’re doing, Sydney. He’s a total pain in the arse sometimes, but he’s worth the work.”

“Oh he is absolutely the biggest pain in my ass. Even more than Richie most of the time.” Terry laughed,

“You seem to have a good handle on them. Here, come and see this before I have to go,” she took Syd’s arm and led her down a walkway between the kitchen areas to a photograph on the wall of Carmy and Luca. “My lost boys. I am immensely proud of them.” She said fondly.

“He’s worth the work.” Syd said firmly, mostly to herself.

“He is. And so are you. I cannot wait to try your food. He tells me you’re the best he’s ever seen.” Syd scoffed,

“Oh, be serious right now.”

“I am, darling. I promise. He believes in you. I don’t think those stars are too far out of reach.” She patted Syd’s arm. “Now, I have to get back to work. Thank you for the tea. I hope you got what you needed from our time together?”

“I think I did, thank you, Chef Terry. Thank you for making time for me.”

“I would say anytime, but we both know that’s impossible in this profession. I’ll just say don’t be a stranger instead.”

“You too. He’d love to see you at The Bear, we both would.” As if by magic, Garrett appeared at the end of the corridor. Terry hugged Syd once more and disappeared around the corner. 

“Nice morning?”

“Why does it feel like I just met the Wizard of Oz? Or, like, Willy Wonka? How is she so cool and mysterious?” He smiled as he showed her out, 

“She’s Terry. She’s the best and she likes looking after the people she cares about. It was great to meet you, Syd. We’ll see you again soon.” He closed the door, leaving the building looking like an impenetrable fortress.

~~~~~

She rattled through another day at The Bear on edge, trying to decipher the things she’d learned over the course of the last couple of weeks. On the third attempt of placing a tiny flower onto a starter plate, she threw her tweezers with a groan of frustration.

"Ugggh, fuck me!"

“Breathe mija, breathe.” Tina set a hand on her arm. Syd nodded and stepped back while Tina gently dropped the flower into place. 

“Hands please.” Syd called out once the plate was completed, throwing a grateful look to her Sous.

“Try tellin’ me you don’t need an earth shakin’, mind blowing -”

“Tina, I beg you, do not finish that sentence.” Syd dragged her collar away from her neck, 

“Works wonders for your concentration.” The older woman wiggled her eyebrows.

“Please. Stop.” Syd hissed as Tina moved onto her next task. With a heavy sigh, she locked eyes with Carmy on the expo as he tried to hide a smile behind his hand. “Don’t you fucking start.” She warned.

And now here she was at 3am on Carmy’s doorstep. Another night owl had let her into the main building as they headed out for a run so she’d tiptoed up five flights of stairs and knocked loudly enough to wake him but not so loud it was disruptive to anyone else. The door flung open before she’d dropped her hand and he was pulling on a jacket,

“Woah, fuck -”

“Are you… are you going out? At 3am?”

“I was coming to see you. Wait, how’d you get here?” “Walked?”

“At 3am?” He pulled her into the apartment by her elbow. “Anything could have happened to you?”

“Why were you coming to see me?” She asked defiantly. “Why were you coming to see me?” He replied, avoiding the question completely.

“I need you,” she pleaded. His eyebrows shot up to his hairline,

“Is this… is this about what Tina was saying?” He asked quietly.

“What? No! Oh my god, Carmen! Is that why you think I’m here right now?”

“It’s 3am, Syd. It’s a pretty reasonable guess?”

“No, it is not a reasonable guess! There is… there is nothing reasonable about that guess!” Syd looked mortified.

“Well, look. Okay, thanks for that - thanks a lot -”

“Wait, I didn’t mean that it would be, like, horrible or anything! I didn’t say that, I’m sure it would be great…” She wrung her hands and sighed, trailing off into embarrassment. “Let me start over?” He nodded. 

“Good idea.”

“Hi, sorry to disturb you at 3am. I had an epiphany, and I needed your help.”

“I was up anyway. What can I do?”

"I know what I need to do for us to get those stars," she held her hands up as he started to protest, "I know, we don't need them, they're bullshit, blah blah blah."

"Blah blah blah?"

"I know what you're going to say, Carm. I know you think they're worthless"

"You know a lot, huh?" He said with a smile. 

"More than you give me credit for." She retorted. 

"Syd -"

"Carm. Please. I don't want it for me, I want it for us. I want it because we deserve it and we worked for it."

"What's your epiphany?"

"I need to care about everything, more than anything,” He arched an eyebrow,

“Well… yeah, I distinctly remember telling you that already?”

“I need to learn from you. Like, not just learn, I need to do what Luca did. Get better just by being near you." Both of his hands threaded through his hair and came to rest behind his head. She felt her stomach swoop. “I need to shadow you or something -”

"You are better. You don't need me, Syd."

"I do. I really do. I want you to help me make sure that we do this right. I get you've done the whole suffering for your art thing, but I want us and our team to thrive, not suffer." He fell quiet and watched her closely. "I don't want us to go through the same shit we went through before. We do this right and learn from each other and that is how we care about it more than anything else - by caring for everyone in it." He nodded. 

"Family style. A good, supportive family."

"Yes!” She beamed, “Yes, exactly.”

“OK.”

“And I'm gonna pretty much live in your pocket and you're gonna get so sick of me spending every fucking waking hour with you -"

"I said OK. And I won't get sick of you. Fuck, move in if that's what it takes." 

"Seriously?"

"We will do whatever it takes and we'll do it together. But I swear to god, Syd, while you're watching for fucking stars I'm gonna be watching you. Y'hear me? The second you're not eating or sleeping, I'm gonna be on your ass and we stop. And it takes as long as it takes. It’s not a goddamn race."

"Fine, yes. I'm in."

"It's not gonna be easy?" He warned. "Gets harder every year."

"Good. I know we can do it." He dropped his arms to his sides with a shrug. 

"Ok. Where'dya want to start?"

~~~~~

Phew! This is probably the longest I've gone without posting anything since the early summer! 😅 I couldn't hold off any longer. Fandom seems so quiet at the moment with shows finishing and others on a break... Just trying to keep us all busy and content until we have news!

Let me know what you think, would love so much to hear from you! 💜

[frikatilhi]

Hello yes yes veri gud, how about Jere doing Bojan's makeup? As in, Jere is so casual and natural about wearing eyeshadow, and wants to help Bojči feel at ease with it, too. (Bojan wants to feel pretty, but he's shy about it).

asdfghjkl thank you thank you

“Do I have to?” asked Bojan.

Jere huffed. “Yes! It’s my birthday.”

“So… what? I have to look the part?” Bojan was trying to sound skeptical, even though the idea of Jere doing his makeup excited him a little. But that was precisely the problem. Getting excited was not allowed on this trip.

Coming to join Jere on his tour for his birthday had been kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. Bojan had been on holiday with the band (whose idea was that, really, he wondered now, it’s not like they hadn’t seen each other enough this year), and instead of flying home with them, he had booked last minute tickets to Glasgow. Now they were in Dublin, where Jere was performing the next day, celebrating his 30th birthday. It was just his entourage plus a handful of his friends who had flown in, plus Bojan of course, the party crasher, who had appeared with luggage full of dirty laundry, mostly beach clothes, and no hotel reservation.

“Yes. Have to make you pretty.” Jere was walking him backwards across the room, towards the table where he had just been applying his own eyeliner a moment ago.

Bojan gasped. “So I’m not pretty like this?”

It made Jere laugh. “Not pretty enough for me.”

“Ouch, man!”

Jere sat him down in the chair, turned it sideways from the mirror and pulled another chair for himself. “There. Sit. Stay.”

Being ordered around by Jere was familiar. He was on solid ground like this, at least. Bojan looked at him as he gathered a few things from the table. “Which one?” Jere asked, holding up a few pencils. Bojan figured they were different colors, even though he couldn’t see which. “Black’s fine,” he ventured a guess.

Apparently, that was the right answer, because Jere put all but one of them down on the table and took the cap off of the one left in his hand. He then scooted closer, his legs on both sides of Bojan’s thighs, Bojan’s knees against the edge of Jere’s chair. “Okay, close your eyes,” he said, and Bojan did. Suddenly the room felt quiet, the sounds of the party a little further away, and Bojan felt a rush to his head. The buzz of what little alcohol he’d already consumed went to his cheeks and hummed in his ears.

He felt Jere’s hand on his forehead, his thumb pressing gently under his brow, next to the side of his nose, stretching his lid just a little. Then he was drawing a line on Bojan’s eyelid, on the base of his lashes, carefully, with short strokes. Bojan tried to keep still against the feeling of wanting to escape. Makeup was nothing new, but makeup by Jere? It felt different, off-kilter, it felt queer.

After a while, Jere switched sides, and now his wrist kept touching Bojan’s nose and resting on his cheek as he worked on the other eyelid. Bojan could feel his breath on his face, and a whiff of his aftershave, or deodorant or whatever it was, surrounded him. Bojan reminded himself to keep breathing, in and out, evenly. 

“Now, look up,” Jere said, and Bojan opened his eyes, not daring to look at Jere, and darted his eyes upwards. Jere continued drawing on him, along his lower lashes, and Bojan kept staring at the ceiling, fully aware of how Jere now had his hand resting on his exposed neck, thumb along his jaw.

Bojan had been on a journey of sorts, lately. After the summer of feeling weird and grumpy and out of place, and after the week-long rush of adrenalin that had been their Nordic tour, he realised he was actually happier not caring too much about what was proper behaviour or what his actions looked like to other people. He had also been.. experimenting, you could say, finding out new things about himself, late at night on the internet, or more recently, in the showers at the gym after a workout.

And now, the study was done, the results were in, and it turned out his feelings for a certain male friend that had taken over his life and late-night-fantasies in a storm, while totally unique in a way, were also… not. Unique. In a way. Because as Bojan now knew, the part where he had feelings (pantsfeelings) for a man, was, actually, not something restricted to Jere. He was fully capable of appreciating the male form in many formations, be it muscled and strong and dominating, or on the softer side, smooth and cuddly.

If he was completely honest, this was not in any way new information. He should have maybe known for a long time that this was the case, but he hadn’t allowed himself to do so. Not until Jere came along and smashed every inhibition and doubt and excuse he had ever had.

Jere was now smudging the line he had made with his finger. It didn’t seem like a professional way to do it, but Bojan wasn’t about to complain. After going through his lids once more, Jere picked up the pencil again and fortified the lines with it.

Jere surveyed Bojan’s face and turned to the table. “Needs something else,” he said and picked up an eyeshadow palette and a brush. Bojan looked as he surveyed the colours, rolled the brush on one of them, and approached Bojan again. “Close,” he said.

The gentle brushstrokes on Bojan’s eyelids sent shivers down his neck and spine. Jere’s hand that held the palette was on his thigh now, just resting there, keeping him grounded. Jere took his time applying the stuff on him generously, at least that’s what it felt like, and Bojan wanted to fidget, wanted to bounce, but couldn’t concentrate on anything but Jere’s hand. 

“Okay… open eyes”, said Jere at last. Bojan blinked slowly, and found Jere’s face close to his own, eyes fixed on his face.  Even though it  looked like he was looking into Bojan’s eyes, he knew that he was assessing his work. Bojan kept breathing evenly, even though his heart was racing. Under Jere’s intense gaze he felt exposed, vulnerable, like all his thoughts and insecurities and secrets were there, on his face, for Jere to read. Jere’s hand went to his chin and turned his head just a little to look from a different angle, and Bojan let him direct him, first to the other side and then to the other. He avoided Jere’s eyes, let out a little breath. Suddenly he was very aware of Jere’s legs, pressing on either side of his, and his knees, dangerously close to Jere’s crotch, especially when he was leaning forward like that. Jere turned Bojan’s face back towards him, and now he was looking straight into his eyes. Bojan swallowed. He couldn’t hold his gaze, so his eyes flickered from Jere’s eyes to his nose, his lips, down to his throat. Bojan’s own throat was dry, and he licked his lips, nervously, and looked up at Jere again, and panic was rising in him, because he was about to do something colossally stupid.

But then Jere was gone, leaning back, smiling.

“That will do. Look.”

He turned Bojan’s chair towards the mirror, and Bojan looked. It wasn’t as excessive as he had thought. His eyes were lined and the lines were smudged carefully, just enough that it looked dramatic without making him look like a raccoon. His lids were dusted with something dark and sparkly that caught the light when Bojan turned his head.

“It’s.. not bad, actually,” he offered.

Jere beamed. “We should do your nails, too.”

*****

The night was winding down. Bojan was past the peak of his drunkenness, tired but still oddly wired at the same time. He hadn’t seen himself in a mirror in a while, but he suspected his makeup was now in ruins. His new appearance had been met with cheers and whistles, and people had been adding stuff to his face all evening. There was plenty of glitter, both on his temples and in his hair, and there are lipstick marks on his neck, he can feel it, probably in different shades of red and green. He’d been passed around the whole night between everyone, from hug to lap to dance to cuddle, he had made out with at least three people, and posed for countless pictures and videos, some of which would probably find their way online, but right now, he was too happy and too tired and too drunk to care.

He had felt reckless, free, like no-one could touch him or judge him or look down on him. Jere was in the centre of it all, happy and laughing with his friends, and Bojan had felt like he could conquer the world, just like this.

And there was Jere now, in front of him. His resolve to take it easy because he had to perform the next day had crumbled early on, and now he was looking dishevelled and buzzed, and he was grinning.

“Oh baby, look at you. You’re no good to me now,” Jere said with a laugh, taking Bojan under his arm.

“Happy Birthday! Have I told you happy birthday?” Bojan said while clinging to Jere’s side.

“Six and half times, I think.”

“What was the half?”

“You started but someone bite you.”

“Huh. But I haven’t kissed you yet!” Bojan declared, feeling like it’s the best idea he’s ever had.

“You did, right here,” said Jere and pointed to his ear. Bojan leaned closer and squinted.

“Are those… teeth marks?” he asked, a grin spreading to his face.

Jere smiled, as well. “Come on, everybody is leaving. Let’s take you to bed.”

“But…” Bojan wanted to kiss him. Properly, on the mouth, with tongue, leaving no room for excuses or backtracking. And he wanted to do it now, because he didn’t know when he’d ever get so brave, again.

Jere hugged him, tucked Bojan’s face into the crook of his neck. He spoke close to Bojan’s ear. “Hey, let’s save that for… other time. Okei? You need sleep now.”

Bojan felt his resolve dissipating, but at the same time being replaced with something akin to hope. Maybe it was not all or nothing or now or never, tonight. Maybe he’d start living like he was allowed to have things more often. Maybe it would come to something good, something better. The best, even.

“Okay,” he breathed simply against Jere’s neck.

“Okay. Now, let’s wash your face?”

[kay-elle-cee]

Hello there! I just finished And The Roar Will Rise and I'm speechless (okay maybe not really speechless because I have a lot to say about it) but anyway, I'd love a director's cut of this fic. What drew you to it, why and how you changed some things, et cetera...

Also, while I'm on the subject, I left a comment on AO3 but totally forgot to mention how incredible the kiss and the moment at the pub later on (including Sirius' perfect reaction) were, so please please tell me more about that too.

Much love ❤️

🙈 A director's cut for And The Roar Will Rise? Prepare yourself, Leda, because I have a LOT to say! (also thank you so much for asking, I'm so happy you enjoyed this fic!!!!)

Alright, let's go point by point:

What drew you to it?

I LOVE Newsies. Like, as someone who listens to musicals on Spotify on a daily basis, as someone whose top genre on Spotify Wrapped is Musicals/Showtunes every year, Newsies is one of my favorite musicals. (The others being Next to Normal, Spring Awakening, and Hadestown, if you're interested in that tidbit of trivia). I love the music, I love the choreography, and I love the push-and-pull of Jack and Katherine.

While watching the pro-shot on Disney+ for the umpteenth time (because yes it's available to watch whenever you want and features Jeremy Jordan with a comical NY accent but the face and singing voice of an ANGEL) I was deep into a particular wave of Jily Brainrot and maybe it's because Katherine has red hair and that helped spur me on, but I just thought "oh my god it's Jily." Not to mention the whole fighting-against injustice plot and the ragtag crew Jack is so embedded in.

Fun fact, I worked so hard on including nods to the lyrics and lines from the actual script without just, like, dropping them in clunkily. It was my first time doing something like this and I really enjoyed the challenge of at least trying to make these things seem natural. I didn't want them to feel out of place, but noticeable to people who are familiar with it (like James telling Lily to "Give 'em hell, Evans" in place of Jack telling Katherine to "Write it good." or James shouting to the newsies "All for one and one for all, we newsies are on strike!" in place of the lyrics "No one can make us quit before we're done/one for all and all for one" followed by chants of "strike!") I actually color-coded and annotated my doc last night and you can see that here.

Why and how you changed things.

*cracks knuckles* alright SO. A few things happened during the planning process that brought it all together:

The World

I knew off the bat that I didn't want them to be in New York, so I needed to move them to London. But with this came the complication of the entire plot—namely, the history of labor unions in England. I looked at that and thought "I don't really want to do that research and get something wrong" so I needed to find the new crux of the Newsies issue.

Sometimes I regret not adding magic into the world of my other AU, restless waves rise and fall, so for this fic, I was like hmmmm what if there is still magic, and there's no statute of secrecy. How would that work? (I went through a few different iterations of this, if they still went to Hogwarts or not, if they all lived and schooled across England but came to London for the summer, etc) This also helped firmly establish a fictional world instead of it being more historical.

The Characters

And honestly first and foremost, I quickly identified the direct ties to the Newsies characters. I have been so adamant from the start (you can ask @alittlebitofeverything23) that Sirius was my Crutchie, even though Remus was probably the obvious choice. And Remus still would've been a good choice! But Remus is so Davey to me, and Crutchie being caught and sent to the Refuge very much felt like Sirius being caught and sent back to live with his parents for whatever reason (which I then changed to Azkaban, for ease and also canon-related reasons).

Picking my Pulitzer was hard for me.* I waffled endlessly on if it'd be Petunia or Vernon, but knowing it was them meant that there was kind of a clear canon-adjacent issue for the Newsies to face. It also made the reveal tricky, because if you know Newsies, you know Katherine's father runs the paper, but when you see it for the first time and she's in the office during that confrontation with Jack, it's a complete surprise. To kind of draw out that suspense a bit in Roar, I name dropped Mr. Mason as the owner (who the Dursleys have over for dinner in CoS), then you get Vernon, and THEN you get Petunia barging in with Lily at her heels. I'm calling it "the slow release reveal" 😂.

*On the subject of Pulitzer, I did briefly consider having it be an old wizarding family, or someone like Umbridge or Voldemort trying to sow division but that was too complicated to pull off so we just kept it simple.

The Plot

Now as for the plot (oh god this is getting so long, I'm sorry!), not only did I have a different central premise for the strike (which meant I had to find a new solution), I also had the fallout of Lily's article happen before the act break/chapter break, so that left a lot of questions for me while writing the second chapter. I had to adjust a bit, and I think finagling that is why it took me longer than expected to update. So I brought in a ringer, and that ringer was a nod to Katherine Plumber from Newies, and once I introduced her and other publications, the ending solution seemed a little more clear to me.

I didn't intend to get too in-the-weeds with press and prejudice but that's what I get for not wanting to do research on labor unions, haha. But it was really nice to write something just hopeful about everything, and I really loved writing how the Muggle newsies stood their ground and supported the wixen newsies.

The kiss and the pub.

Listen, the kiss scene in Newsies makes me absolutely FERAL. The anger to kiss speed does something to my brain, and I was SO EXCITED to write it! I've had the line "God you're so infuriating! I’m about three seconds from hexing you, you know.” written since like last summer, lol. James grabbing her wrist to place her wand under his chin, feeling like he deserves it, to have her GRAB his FACE and kISS HIM?!?!?!?! I'm unwell.

And I'm so happy you enjoyed the end scene at the pub and Sirius' little quips. I missed him in this chapter and wanted to give him some of those lighter moments after I rudely put him in jail. The end was a little tricky, I won't lie, because as I had the Newsies script up, I realize Jack's decision not to go to Santa Fe is pretty....abrupt? Like his friends are just like 😔 and Pulitzer offers him a job that he doesn't even seem excited about and he's like ALRIGHT NEWSIES HIT THE STREETS! So I really wanted to make James' decision a little more fleshed out....he's still getting out of London, just not leaving everyone halfway around the world, which seemed like a pretty good compromise to me.

Additionally, in Newsies, Katherine is very much a "wherever you go, I'll go, too" type of person in the finale, and while Lily has her own plans, I wanted her to have that same sort of encouragement for him. She encourages him to go to Australia if he really wants to, because she wants him to be happy. She listens as he talks through his thoughts, even gently offers her own thoughts on it all. It's been a whirlwind week for them, but she helps offer him clarity for his next big step.

*breathes* Wow I'm....so sorry. This got SO long. I hope you at least enjoyed my ramblings? Could honestly talk about this fic for hours probably. Thank you again so much for the ask and I'm so happy you liked this fic!

[unmaskthewriter]

Ocean Eyes {Anakin Skywalker x GN!Reader}

A/N: Welcome back, dearest reader! I wrote this on the spur of the moment late last night and this morning, the song came to me: ocean eyes by Billie Eilish

I do not give permission for any of my work to be copied, published and/or translated on any platform including Tumblr.

Summary: You watch the rise and fall of your best friend and love, Anakin Skywalker.

Word count: 1336

Warnings: mentions/depictions of violence, reader is blind

GIF not mine, credit due to stylesluxx

I’ve been watching you for some time

Can't stop staring at those ocean eyes

You wait patiently in the sparring area overlooking Coruscant. Obi-wan Kenobi was on another domestic dispute mission which left you in charge of training his Padawan while you were away. Of course, he could have taken him if he wished to bore Anakin with yet another domestic dispute. These opportunities allowed you time with your favorite Jedi in training.

You were only knighted months ago at the young age of 21. Anakin was jealous of course, but you had to remind him you were older and therefore naturally ahead of him. You and Anakin grew up together in the Jedi temple, growing closer over the years. Of course, the two of you danced the fine line between friends and something more. You knew you both made a commitment to the Jedi but there was no denying your feelings.

“You know, if I didn’t care for you, I don’t think I’d put up with such an excuse.” He would say. You heard his footsteps long before he entered the room.

“You walk heavy, Anakin. Does something trouble you?” You ask, turning to face him. He lets out a soft sigh, looking away for a moment.

“Would it be worth it to lie?” He smirked. You chuckle and shake your head, approaching him as you reach for your pocket.

“I would like to try something different today.” You revealed a blindfold, raising it up and tying it over your eyes. You step back, allowing your bare feet to read the room and energies.

“This lesson is no different than the training droids we used in earlier training. Only this time, there is a live target.” You explain with a nod, giving the padawan permission to begin.

“Aren’t you going to use your lightsaber?” Anakin asked, a little confused, “I’m not going to fight a defenseless opponent.” He argued.

“This isn’t about me being defenseless Anakin. Be mindful of the force. The Force will guide me. Let’s begin.” You insist as the buzz of his lightsaber alerts you. He rushes toward you, preparing the first blow.

~

Ten years have passed and much has changed between you and the Skywalker. After the bombing of the Jedi Temple hangar, your sight had been taken from you. Of course, you knew Ahsoka, Anakin’s padawan, to be innocent from the very start. You never once blamed her, but you felt a change in Anakin after she left the Jedi order. He came to visit you frequently in the medical bay shortly after the attack.

Burning cities and napalm skies

15 flares inside those ocean eyes

“How do I look?” You attempt to joke. Beneath the wrappings, your eyes were shut and heavily scarred.

“Would it be worth it to lie?” You could hear him chuckle. You feel a dip in the bed beside you, and you weakly push yourself up. There’s a moment of silence between you two as the heavy truth lingers. You had lost your sight. You could sense the weight that Anakin had been carrying. Guilt, Anger, Hate.

“No use… how is Ahsoka? I heard they’re putting her on trial.” You quickly change the subject, hoping to deflect the attention from yourself.

“Yes, and the Council has already refused to listen to your testimony!” Anakin fumes. You reach for his hand.

“Ani-“

“I have to prove her innocence, {Y/N}. She’s my padawan, I know she wouldn’t do this.”

“Be mindful of these feelings. It is only natural to feel anger towards the Council right now. You will learn the truth and bring justice not only to me, but to Ahsoka and the others who suffered that day.” You tell him with a great sense of confidence.

“Thank you, Y/N, for always having confidence in me.” Anakin spoke, placing a gentle kiss to your bruised knuckles.

All of those blindfolded lessons with Anakin had served their purpose.

Now, you were hiding in the harsh desert world of Tatooine. You had made a home for yourself just outside of Mos Espa, filled with small wares and simple comforts. You made a living trading and selling scavenged parts and wares to various people of all walks of life. After the events of order 66, the Jedi had scattered across the galaxy, going into hiding from the rising Sith Lord, Vader. There were rumors of a fellow Jedi in the Jundland Wastes, not that you’d ever seek him or her out. Safety was not in numbers among the Jedi these days. The less attention you attracted, the better off you were.

Your heart ached at the thought of the Sith Lord you had once considered a great friend, perhaps even more. Every flashback, even these odd ten years later, would still make you wince.

You ‘saw’ what he had become that night, and it frightened you.

You really know how to make me cry

When you give me those ocean eyes

You were in the Jedi Temple teaching a group of younglings when the clone troopers entered your classroom.

“Yes?” You asked, feeling as though something was off. You could hear the moving of their blaster rifles and you immediately jumped out, saber drawn and deflecting their bullets. The children had all hid behind you, mortified. After defeating the clones in your classroom, you swiftly led the children through the halls, taking down any clones that had crossed your path. Luckily for you, being blind has taught you to rely on your other senses. You could feel footsteps and hear from a long distance away.

You gathered the younglings that you could find, and had almost made it to the temple entrance when he entered. You almost couldn’t tell it was him, there was such a disturbance surrounding him. You felt something evil and elusive. A sith.

“Children, go!” You shouted. Luckily, a few other Jedi had been nearby. Two had broken off to usher the younglings to safety. Whoever it was, they walked closer and without much warning, grabbed your hand. You tilted your head, confused and felt his skin.

“Ani?” You ask, composing yourself and gripping your saber tighter with your free hand.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were-“

“No, I’m here. Ani, please. Do not lie to me.” You speak softly. With a single hand, you reach out and place a hand on his chest. You feel the turmoil, the whirlwind of emotions. He gently grasps your shoulders.

“You shouldn’t be here-“

“Anakin, I won’t allow you to do this.” You insist, taking a step back as tears come to your eyes, “Snap out of this. We can help you… I can help you.”

“The Jedi cannot help me no more than they can help themselves, {Y/N}. Join me, together we can rule the galaxy-“ He takes a step towards you, hopeful. You back away, trying to increase the distance between you two.

“Ani…” You warn, raising your saber slightly. Your fingers tighten around the grip until your knuckles turn white. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. “Whatever path this is, I cannot follow. For the sake of myself, the younglings-… I loved-“

“Then you’ve given me no choice.” His face darkens.

“Don’t try it.” You warn. His lightsaber hums to life and you nod to him. You return your saber to its hilt on your waist and take a deep breath.

“So be it.” You respond as he charges toward you. You do not move, but allow the saber to pierce your stomach. A small grunt of pain escapes your lips as he pulls the saber out, looking down as you collapse to your knees. Your clouded eyes search desperately for him. Anything that the Force would allow you to see, but nothing. He pushes you down to the floor with the tap of his foot before moving onward, leaving you for dead. Or so he thought.

I’m scared

I’ve never fallen from quite this high

Falling into your ocean eyes

[dearsnow]

Request: @thatonecanoodlingcounselor

Hello there! I saw your requests open! Can you make a fic similar to 'cause and effect," but with Jacob? It doesn't have to be exactly like that, but I'm a sucker for an angsty situation having a sweet ending! :P Love your work btw

LAST NIGHT

- the events of last night do not matter because jacob custos does not like you, and you should not like him. (angst -> fluff, jacob custos x gn reader, requests are still open!)

word count: 908

a/n - i love love writing things like this 🫶🫶 also “chasing pavements” by adele was playing while i wrote this so if you want something to listen to during this fic, put that baby on blast

There’s a time and place for feelings, you tell yourself. The middle of summer in Hackett’s Quarry Summer Camp is neither the time nor the place. Last night meant absolutely nothing. The way he held your face so gently, his calloused palm melting into your skin as he almost, almost kissed you was just a spur-of-the-moment action. Jacob Custos does not love you, and you cannot love him.

Everyone knows he and Emma have a thing. It’s never been official but it’s so incredibly evident in the way they look at each other. That burning passion in their eyes and stolen kisses when they think you’re not looking says more than yelling their relationship to the sky ever could. It hurts.

You hate having emotions. Bending to the push and pull of the tide, never being able to just shut them off when you need to or turn them on when the moment calls for it. There’s always been one thing that has helped you deal with it, though. Your one and only instinct: flight.

You never told your kindergarten crush you liked them. Every person you think you may get along with slips out of your grasp because you just can’t bring yourself to further your relationship. It’s hard for you to say your feelings because you are completely and absolutely terrified of rejection. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s just a survival instinct. Avoiding being hurt emotionally. Now, you need that instinct more than ever.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for yo-“

“Not right now, sorry.” You brush past Jacob, trying to keep your voice steady. There’s nowhere you need to be and you hope he doesn’t know that. “I’m busy.”

“Oh. Okay.” You cringe at the twist of sadness in his voice, but he’ll get over it eventually. Maybe Emma can comfort him.

You hate being jealous of Emma. She’s a great friend and you can honestly say you like her- she’s just the exact type of person someone like Jacob would fall for. She’s funny, charming, and straightforward. Everything you think you can never be.

That’s why you walk away. You walk far enough to be sure he can’t see you, finally letting the beaded tears on your waterline slip down your face. You reach up to brush them away, a familiar lump in your throat forcing a sob out of your mouth. You’re glad you can at least be sad in silence, though.

Suddenly, you’re clued in to the sound of footsteps pounding so fast the person attached to them must be sprinting for their life. You begin to turn around, though it’s not fast enough. Someone’s body slams into you like a freight train, sending you both tumbling to the ground.

“Oh geez, sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“What the hell.” You mutter, your face pressed into your very own Jacob’s shoulder. Your head is pounding due to the fall and you know with certainty that your body is going to ache in the morning. “Can you get off, please? I’m gonna die.”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” He helps you to your feet, a sheepish grin plastered across his face. “I heard you. Crying, I mean. Not that I was following you. Okay, maybe I was following you. And you’ve been avoiding me. I just wanted to know what’s up and stuff. I don’t even know if the two things are connected or anything. So, are you okay? What happened?” There’s a pit in his stomach as he sees your tear-streaked face.

“I’m fine. I just figured it would be better if we didn’t talk.”

“Why? We were doing pretty good. Especially after last night.” He winks at you, and you can feel the corners of your mouth pulling up despite your sullen mood.

“That’s exactly why.” His eyebrows furrow and you can almost see a cartoonish question mark appearing above his head. It’s almost amusing.

He looks at you pointedly. “I thought we liked each other. Like like-like. Did I mix the signals?”

You’re dumbfounded. You were absolutely certain he didn’t like you. That’s literally why you tried avoiding him. “Aren’t you and Emma together?”

He laughs so loudly it startles you a bit. “Nope. We are done-zo. She doesn’t want a relationship and I want you.” He spreads his arms to emphasize his point, shooting you a smile. “It definitely wasn’t anything serious. Besides, that was a month ago. I’ve liked you from the start, though. Don’t ever,” he jokingly glares at you, “ever think I don’t like you. Oh shit, is that why you were avoiding me? You thought I didn’t like you? Damn. My bad.”

You roll your eyes, but there’s a slight smile on your face. “Duh.”

“That’s too bad. I’m actually kind of in love with you, just so you know.”

You let yourself fully smile this time. Your cheeks may be slightly damp, and you might have a couple of leaves in your hair, but you really think you couldn’t be happier. Steeling your nerves, you utter, “That’s good, because I really really like you.”

He throws his arms up in the air and lets out a victory woop before ensnaring you in a tight hug. “I’m so gonna rub this in Nick’s face.” He whispers, his face so close to yours you can feel his breath tickling you.

“You better.” You laugh, joy bubbling into your voice. “Just make sure I’m there to see it.”

Reblogs are greatly appreciated!!

[plentyoffandoms]

Hey lovely. Would I be able to request a story with the reader being married to Hangman but she use to be in a relationship with Jay White and he starts using that to try and get in Hangman's head before Forbidden Door.

Please and thank you.

Hangman x f/Reader

Main Masterlist ♡ AEW Masterlist ♡ Adam Page Masterlist ♡

Just like all my other stories, this has not been proofread, but please enjoy.

Gifs & photos do not belong to me.

Warnings: Some swearing.

Hope you like it.

Summary: f/Reader is the wife of Adam Page. Before she married him, she was in a relationship with Jay White, who is now using their past against Adam Page.

Stephen - Adam Page ☆ Jamie - Jay White ☆ Melissa - Thunder Rosa

YN'S POV:

I almost spit out my drink when I saw Jamie walking towards me. I haven't seen him almost four years and that was after I broke up with him.

The two of us just grew apart. Near the end of our relationship, it was like we were just two friends who shared a bed together.

There was no spark left. No magic and absolutely no love left. I looked at him and only saw him as a friend, so one night after a night out, trying to reconnect, I broke up with him.

He fought for us of course, but I told him that I was leaving. I hoped that we could of stayed friends but it was understandable when he said no.

That night he slept in our room and I slept in the spare room. I packed all of my belongings up when he was gone the next day and I was gone.

I went through the different stages of course and started to question if I made the right move.

I knew I did and I moved on. I stayed single for a while and really connected with my friends and family once more.

Then I met Stephen at one of the first shows for AEW. I got a job as a makeup artist. The two of us hit it off right away.

We started out as friends and quickly worked our way to being in a relationship. Then only a few months into our relationship, when we were in Vegas, the two of us decided to get married.

It was a spur of the moment type of thing and we had a massive party when we got back home for our family and friends who were angry that we didn't invite them.

But they forgave us eventually and now we have been married almost two years. We recently moved and have talked about starting a family, but that is in the near future.

"Hello YN, long time no see eh?" Jamie said when he finally caught up to me.

"Yeah it has been. How are things?" I asked him to make small talk. I kept the conversation as short as possible, not trying to be rude.

I saw my husband walking towards me, talking with Matt and I couldn't help the smile that came over my face.

"So I was thinking about the two of us going out afterwards to catch up." Jamie said.

"No thank you. I already have plans." I said to him.

"Maybe another time then?" He asked hopefully.

"No, I don't think that would be a good idea. I am very busy with work, my friends and my husband."

"Husband?!"

"Yeah, husband." Jamie turned around when he heard the new voice and Stephen did not look happy.

Adam Page POV:

I saw YN talking to Jamie. I knew they had a history together and it didn't bother me to see her talking to him.

I know most people have a past and in this profession, I knew I was bound to run into him eventually.

"Husband?!"

"Yeah husband." He turned around to look me up and down and I him.

"It was nice catching up with you Jamie, but Stephen and I got to go." YN grabbed my hand and practically dragged me away.

"You know you didn't have to do this macho guy routine. I was just talking to him." YN said to me.

"I know, but I just couldn't help myself. You two have a past together and it doesn't bother me and you know that, but I guess just when he questioned you being married, it slightly pissed me off."

YN stopped walking and I did too. I looked at her, waiting for her to talk. "Stephen, you know I love you. I married you and I want to start a family with you soon. I never wanted that with Jamie. Yeah we had a good time while it lasted, but what you and I have is special."

"I know love. I just let it get to me." I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her knuckles. It is our own special thing that I do.

~

The Forbidden Door is fast approaching and I am excited for it. These types of events are always so much fun.

But the little shit Jamie won't leave me alone. It is like I see him where ever I look. So much so I feel like I am seeing him when he isn't even there.

When he actually does talk to me though, he likes to make little snide remarks about YN and I being together.

"Never thought she would of ended up with someone like you." Me and him got into a heated argument that actually had to be broken up by Nick and Bobby.

"Does she still like taking a hot bath after work?" I didn't even answer him, I just glared at him.

Just the little comments were getting to me and the stories. He loved to bring up their time together.

Past vacations, holidays, parties and just spending time at the home they shared.

But today, the day of the big Forbidden Door match, he decided to bring out the big guns.

"Hey Stephen, what is your favourite vacation so far with her? Mine was when we were in Japan, we did some sight seeing, but it rained so much that we just stayed in the hotel room and uh, entertained ourselves."

Every single thing he brought up was sexual in nature almost and when he asked me if she still liked to be choked, I fucking lost it.

I gripped him by the collar of his jacket and slammed him against the wall. I brought my face close to his and I started to threaten him through gritted teeth. I was so angry, all I saw was red.

"You talk about my Wife one more time, I am going to fucking end you. I will end your career. I will make sure you never get signed or work anywhere, ever again."

He just smirked at me. "Got it cowboy."

It then hit me. He was saying all this to get to me to throw me off my game. I left him and didn't even acknowledge him when he was calling my name.

Tag List: if you would like to be added, please let me know. @lghockey @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @cuzimacomedian @ecarroll1978 @anaeve @crowleysqueenofhell @thenerdybaker523 @damnnhausen @brie-mode-activated @nicoleveno14 @wwenhlimagines

I had go find my wife and I knew she exactly where she would be.

She was finishing the final touches on Melissa's makeup. Melissa saw me first and she gave me a small wave.

"Lover boy is here." She teased. YN spun around and she smiled when she saw me. "I'll be right there love. Almost done and I can take a small break."

"Take your time." I said and sat down in the spare chair and waited for her to be done.

The moment Melissa was out of the room, I pulled YN into my lap and captured her lips with mine in such an intense kiss that it had the two of us moaning.

We had to pull away from one another to catch our breath. "Not that I don't love this side of you, but what has gotten into you?" She asked me.

I am usually much more reserved at work. A kiss here, a kiss there, but nothing like this.

"Just wanted to show you how much I love you." I said, but she didn't believe me. Her eyes narrowed at me, and she waited for me to tell her the truth.

"Fine. Jamie has even saying stuff and it had got to me."

"What type of stuff?"

I didn't answer her, so she repeated the question.

"What type of stuff Stephen?"

"Started off with him asking about you. Then just stuff you did together, like vacations and what you two did when it was raining. Then he asked me if you still liked to me choked and well, I threatened him."

"Good. He is just trying to rile you up, which I don't even know why. You all know he is going to win tonight. You are just going to put on a great show. I swear he is so immature sometimes."

"And I wasn't when I threatened him?"

"No, because you were protecting me. You stood up for me like a husband is supposed to do and I want you to remember one important detail."

"And that is?" I asked her as I pulled her closer against me.

"I love you, not him."

"I love you too baby girl."

[leggerefiore]

Could you do some spicy emin headcannons 👀?

u truly want to fuck the abomination that is emin? braver than i...

cw: 18+ under cut, afab reader

△Emin▼

● Well, the breeding kink never truly leaves the subway men. Emin's brain is occupied with ideas on how to get his partner knocked up constantly. He's powering through his paperwork while his brain is thinking of the previous night and how you were squirming under him, begging for him to come inside. His mind was overcome with the desperate urge to have you swollen with his young. That, and the sex to get there is very, verrry nice.

○ He's nervous at first, trying to keep his sex life and his work life world's apart, but at some point they crossed wires, and he's now regularly having his partner on his line or in his office for quickies. The stress of work melts away when he's balls-deep in his partner. He keeps a stash of condoms in a drawer at his desk, or sneaks one into his coat pocket for the chance you do go a round on the train.

● There is a strange urge to bind his partner and smother them with affection and overstimulation. Emin refuses to come until after his partner has, so while you lay with your hands behind you, he languidly eats you out. You whine and groan as you've already come so many times already, but he keeps going. Just one more, he says, before making it double. You love it, though, he always leaves you so fulfilled and loved.

○ On that topic, he loves giving and receiving head. Sixty-nine-ing is a thing you'll find yourselves doing often, enjoy the sounds that come from each other. Emin can make such pretty noises when he wants, loud groans and growls, or he can make softer whines that are barely heard. He pulls away from you to whine as you played with his balls and swirled your tongue across his length. It spurred you to keep on – His noises are so, so lovely. Not mention how talented his tongue is.

● Never have you been fucked quite as roughly as the time you wore his hat and coat on the train with him. You were pinned to blue plastic seats while he cock rubbed eagerly against your folds. He groans loudly, but his eyes never leave you. A bright grin is on his face as a hand comes to cup your cheek, “My, what a verrry adorable Subway Boss! Oh, dear, I'm going to absolutely wreck you.” His breath is hot and too much. You love him. His other hand grasps yours as he pushes in.

○ Gets super hard when you call him Boss or Master. It's too much; the authority it implies wrecking his brain. He's completely derailed and barking an order at you. You immediately comply, kneeling before him to unbuckle his belt and unbutton his pants. His cock is freed soon. His silver eyes glow menacingly in the dark under his brim.

● If he's frustrated or stressed, he wants to work it out in bed, usually. You'll know why you're getting the unprompted heart emoji followed by a rant about a commuter and a plea for you to visit him at work. You also know that you'll enjoy yourself without a doubt. Dressing up for the occasion, you're giddy to where you'll fuck this time around the station.

○ There's also moments where he gives control over to you. Those handcuffs that bound you last night are now firmly around his wrists while you ride him. Emin's head hits the pillows hard, and he cries, you use him solely for your pleasure, just as he told you to do. After you cum around him, you free him from his bindings and squeak as the positions changes. His smile his teasing, “My turn!” You grin back at him. Ah, how you loved your weird train boyfriend.

[bells-of-black-sunday]

[ HAYRIDE ] + [ CANDY ] Tarhos and Haru

Halloween Smut Prompts | Accepting

[ HAYRIDE ]:   sender  and  receiver  have  sex  on  a  hayride.

[ CANDY ]:   sender  is  wearing  candy  pasties  and  the  receiver  eats  them  off.

Tarhos usually wasn't one for things like this. Wandering through a maze of corn at night, but with Haru it was at least entertaining as they followed the map gathering the clues to fill out the dumb little word game on the pamphlet. Well- one thing led to another and he was in a position he had never found himself before. The back of a hay ride behind one of the partitions to keep guests to themselves and being the last ride of the night they were the only ones there.

And... even more out of his comfort zone he was doing his best to keep a straight face as his boyfriend stroked him in the cold air, "Haru..." He breathes glancing at the driver who if he did notice didn't care, "Babe be careful-" He warned moving to eat the string of hard candies from the necklace around his neck just to keep his mind distracted from how hot his face felt.

"Afraid I'll fall out Tar?" He could feel the smirk radiating off of the man even more when he leaned down close to whisper, "I think you should be more worried about keeping your voice down~ Now put it in already I don't have all night." That was almost enough to kill him. From the purr in his voice to the way his thumb pressed against the head of his cock.

Tarhos's hands helped guide him up to straddle him holding onto the railing as he let Haru gaze at the cutouts and shitty animatronics most certainly bought from a hardware store set up along the trail. It was almost a marvel how casual he seemed about this when the bodyguard felt like he was going to pass out. He lined himself up easing his way in biting his lip to keep from making a sound as he worked his boyfriend down to the base. He was so tight- every little bump making him want to sigh and yet he had to keep it to himself.

Tarhos was grateful for the way Haru took his candy necklace off and gave it to him to chew on while he work his hips up and down. Every quiet sigh and groan masked by the noise of the tractor, praises whispered into his ear. He could barely contain himself even with the candy on his tongue. Haru just felt so good wrapped around his cock making him lose himself and forget that they were still in public.

His hands wrapped around the other mans waist guiding him to move faster smirking as he felt his boyfriend move to clamp a hand over his mouth. Every wet slap of their hips and rustling of clothes spurred him onward- even letting one hand slip form his waist to wrap around his length moving in time. He wanted to watch him deal with the mess all night. Watch him squirm and complain- make him know that he belonged to him in every way he could.

He heard Haru moan and curse through his fingers, cumming into Tarhos's hand as his thighs shook and his body quivered around him, constricting him trying to milk him for what he was worth. Tarhos was very thankful for the candy that made him shut up now as he pulled him as close as he could finishing inside him. Haru only rested for a moment before he pulled himself off getting himself presentable again, "We should do that again babe..." He chuckled, "You look so pretty with your mouth full."

[figureofdismay]

Screaming about your tags on that post - they are so on point re why Morse feels as betrayed as he does this time. But also tell me more about the Venice fic pretty please? 🙏

I was thinking just as I was walking to work this morning that one good heart to heart after the s7 finale and their relationship would have been on the most rock solid ground it's ever been - they were so close... Plus so much of Morse's s8 angst could be avoided. But of course the only way anyone gets that heart to heart is via forcing it out of them via plot lmao .

sorry for taking a million years to answer this, it's turned into a whole thing where I was like, oh maybe I should look at the notebook where I was writing this because I've had a whole year in succession fandom between now and the last time I worked on this. And despite the fact that the notebook must be somewhere in my house, it is nevertheless comprehensively lost 🫠.

BUT. the idea was basically Morse and Fred getting released from police custody on a 'don't leave town while we A) read through the documentation you brought B) investigate for ourselves and C) try and fish Talenti's body out of the canal so we can verify all this, also please refrain from shooting anyone else' order. And they've been up all night in questioning, and since Fred came straight there, he has no accommodation, so for at least the first bit he's going to be stuck sharing a room with Morse. On the back of a year long feud and that letter that had undertones of a suicide note.

I do think that at very least they were going to have the the "were you going to let talenti shoot you because you got tricked by the girl and because I was mad at you" conversation because i think it's actually out of character for Fred to let that go, given how they talk in earlier seasons after other crises. Esp Trove and Ride.

now, because I'm a dirty shipper, there was going to be dirty shipper backstory because it was how I was trying to rationalize the s7 feud after the s6 reunion. I had come up with the idea of a morse/fred affair that happened while win had left him, spurred partly by morse's jealousy of box's interest in fred driving him to force a confrontation where an 'acting on previously simmering but never acknowledged feelings' moment or series of moments happened. but that when fred and win reconciled it was 'understood' that what passed between morse and fred was over and would never be spoken of again (in theory) so even though morse needed him to be the 'good man' who valued his marriage the most of all, he still resented fred's putting him aside, and thus the extreme bitterness of s7... and they were going to have to talk about that baggage, too, given enough time stuck in italy.

i have a feeling that's not really what most of the morse and thursday fandom wants to read about though, which is why I didn't go very far with it. it might be worth carving something less partisan out of though, idk. I'm trying to push myself to widen my appeal to mainly the platonic relationship. It's tough though, because deep down I am just a dumb dirty shipper at heart 😅🙈. i know there's a lot more to their relationship than that though! there's a lot to dig into from a lot of angles! Affair and subsequent bitterness is just what I could come up with at the time, bc the contextless shift in the relationship in s7 was such a shock.

also i really need to find wherever I tucked the notebook with my draft ahead of anything else 😭

[the-trinket-witch]

Practically Perfect Ch. 11

(Ch 12|Ch 10|Ch 1)

(To note: I HC Mero/Mer language as basically Danish)

Albert announced his return with a heavy sigh. He was definitely glad to be home, albeit slightly surprised to see Jack still with Yuu and Grim. He quickly straightened up in an attempt at composure, and joined the three.

“You’re a bit late, Sophomore. Were you being held captive this whole time? Or were you schmoozing behind our backs?” Jack growled. “You missed the Headmaster. Apparently this has been an issue since last year. Guess it wasn’t so much an issue ‘til this year, but we know a few things. Yuu?"

>Headmaster says his hands are tied since he’s technically not doing anything wrong…

>Headmaster’s not able to do anything, so we gotta find our own way…

Albert pondered a moment as the other two filled him in on their previous conversation. Once filled in, he couldn’t help but smile slightly. Jack growled in response.

“What’s so funny? There’s no pity for cheaters, but you don’t look like the type to take actual satisfaction in their situation…”

“What? Oh no, it’s not Shadenfreude, I just find it a tad funny in the coincidence. I should have mentioned earlier-I’m late back because I have been able to secure a position where I can do some reconnaissance. I’ve been able to set up terms where I can get close to where I can find out more about both the place as well as the three running it. I’ve even set up terms in, well, the contract we agreed on that I can potentially get even closer to better break our friends’ contracts, if I can extract it…”

The three recoiled in surprise. Grim yowled in confusion, accounting for the anemone on his head. Yuu exchanged a worried glance between everyone landing back at Albert.

>Wait...Did you make a contract with…?

>So...you weren’t trying to go behind our backs and…?

Albert hung his head and instinctively dipped into a bow. “I’m sorry...I should have been more forthcoming; while it was very spur-of-the-moment, I normally wouldn’t explain anything. But I’ve not had a time where I’d be working with anyone else on such a mission. I should have said something, if only to keep you from worrying.”

Jack piped up as he rose from his seat. He let out a huff as he crossed his arms. Silence, then he sighed, “You had your reason to keep this a secret. Those twins seemed to be pretty far up our craw to get us outta there, it’d have probably been hard to get a foothold in there if they caught wind you were plannin’ something. If you got a plan, I can follow, just…Keep us in the loop here on out.”

The others nodded, as did Albert. The night progressed as the four made plans on how to combat Azul.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning took off without incident. Everyone understood that while class was in session, it would be opportune to find out more about Azul and his habits in a more natural environment. Albert kept notes, but his minimal interactions during class bore little fruit. Classes came and went, and before long, his first shift was about to start. He rushed to the Monstro lounge to meet his new ‘boss’. A couple of calming breaths helped ease any nerves before he approached.

“Ah, right on time, Albert. A good first impression starts with punctuality. So: let's get you acquainted with the menu before rush begins,” Azul said with arms outstretched in greeting. “Here’s the menu; for the moment I’ll have you’ll be taking over for Floyd in cooking tonight, but should you show your prowess I may have you moved over to Bartender. Here we have the kitchen, I’ll give you a bit to find everything and, when you’re ready, we can start receiving orders.”

Albert took a few minutes to peruse everything before looking up, “Permit me to grab an apron, and we can begin.” His smile gave a very neutral confidence as he aligned himself with the prep station.

“Neehhh~ I get all the more time puttin’ the squeeze on smallfries. Hope you understand: you’re gonna be the only one back here tonight, right?~ I also changed the menu for the season; this season feels like ‘finger foods’ to me,” Floyd piped in. The Twins’ bicolored eyes kept trained on him as he readied himself. 

Jade quietly giggled, “The bravado is pretty commendable, but there is still time to back out and accept being over one’s head.”

“If those are final words of ‘encouragement’, then I’d say let’s begin,” Albert warned. His smile didn’t waver, and his eyes gave a  red glint of deviousness.

Azul could only chuff in reply. “Floyd, Jade: Hold øje med dennes præstation. Han er snu.” The two nodded in agreement and slithered off to leave Albert to the empty kitchen. Al noticed the sudden change to the Mer language,  and thankfully he understood enough that it was an order to keep an eye on his performance. Once the three were out of sight, he sprang to action in preparation.

The first order had come in from some poor anemone’d student. They stammered the order out; Albert gave a quick nod before setting to work. A quick dervish produced the dishes, announced by a call of, ‘Order Table 3: Out!’. The student to pick said dish up had dropped off another two. Albert asked the student to hold for a moment before producing the order. The student could only grab the order in shock, but with no time to question, retrieved it to serve to their table.

The evening progressed at a rather fast pace; every order took no more than 20 minutes to come out. Once about each hour, either Floyd, Jade or Azul would peek in to observe the goings-on inside the kitchen. Each check-in would be met with Albert calmly prepping each new order, finishing another or in the midst of plating others, all to a whistle of a tune only Al could hear. 

"Oi, Jade, Hvor meget ville det koste for mig at bestille en Rum Punch til mig selv? How much would it cost for me to order a Rum Punch for myself? Thanks in advance~" Al stated in Mer. 

Jade's eyes widened in surprise at the sudden question in his primary tongue. "Hmm, it'll be 12 thaumarks, and that's certainly interesting you know Mer. When did you come to learn that?"

"Primary-thought it was the most 'economic' decision with how many Mer live where I grew up," Albert replied, his concentration not wavering.

Floyd, over the course of the night, began to refer to Albert as ‘Swordfishie’. His reasoning? 

“I dunno, he’s fast like one.”

Azul tended to the bar, after Jade, being as personable as possible. Something he hadn’t heard in a short while was about the quality of the service. Most who approached for a drink had something to say if they’d placed an order of food. Each testimony only further surprised him, as many also called for additional drinks. He’d anticipated an uptick in complaints about discrepancies in said orders, but as the night stretched on with a surprising lack of complaints versus compliments, Azul took notice, but decided to let it play out on the off chance it was a first-day fluke.

9:00PM rolled around and the last customers had finished and been escorted out. Outside of the ambient band tracks, the only thing left to provide noise was the clattering of metal ware and general cleanup. Jade and Azul silently agreed to get a peek at the new employee. Both peeked through the order window to watch Albert drain the sink, signaling the end of dish washing. The two exchanged a curious glance before ambushing him.

“A rather unexpected evening, wouldn’t you say, Jade?” Azul asked.

“Agreed-quite the turnover tonight, for a Monday,” Jade replied.

“You must have broke quite the sweat for your first day, neh, Sworfishie?” Floyd crooned.

Albert paid no mind to the stares as he finished sorting prep for tomorrow in the fridge. “Ah, yes, quite the sweat. The best quality pieces of kitchenware, though, are those forged in fire, wouldn’t you say?”

“Fufu, indeed. I do have to commend you surviving your first night. Though, it's yet to be seen whether this was a lucky fluke, so until tomorrow, allow us to accompany you once you’ve finished for tonight.”

“Of course, if you might afford me one moment, then,” Albert called back. At that, he whipped his phone out and snapped some photos of each of the now clean stations, fridge, supplies and overall status of the kitchen. “Call me forgetful, call me paranoid, but I like having physical evidence my work is complete as well as setting a standard for what I’d like to achieve for the end of a night.”

This time both Azul and Jade took either of Albert’s side as they escorted him to the exit. “You’ve started your week on quite the high note,” Azul started. “Hope the rush didn’t give you too much trouble.”

“It’s actually quite impressive. You’ve hit the ground running, it seems. Pray you don’t lose your steam so soon in the week,” Jade purred. “Though it doesn’t seem like it would be so bad if you weren’t able to fulfill that contract.”

They led him to the entry to the Hall of Mirrors without much more words. They bid him the rest of the night, releasing him out to the empty campus. Both hung their heads to keep their words from reaching earshot.

“His skill was...impressive,” Azul whispered through gritted teeth. “Feel free to not make it easy for him this week. I’m curious as to what he’ll bring to the table once he’s mine.”

“Understood, Sir. Might I say it was something, having to hold Floyd back from having some ‘fun’. He’s going to be glad to not be gnawing at the bit tomorrow,” Jade hissed. “Unfortunately we can’t make it too obvious; after all, he's apparently bilingual, and those photographs he took were probably his insurance that he had cleaned; it’s almost like he doesn’t trust us~”

“Indeed...Most students don’t have the foresight to document their work like this...What does he gain with such a contract? On surface level I only stand to gain, either he works for me for the week, or he ends up working for me, still…”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next couple of days progressed without much incident as the three had gathered intel on as many fronts as able. On the outside, Jack and Yuu scoped out Azul’s patterns and habits. Inside, Albert found as many opportunities as possible to scout the area for anything of note. He’d found the VIP room being a sort of ‘safe haven’ for those contracts, that the vault had two different forms of security, and that He could only sense magic around the vault, not within.

Before the end of the third night, Floyd snuck around the kitchen after closing, only to discover Albert in the freezer, cross-legged and breathing incredibly ragged. Sweat froze on his skin, but slowly his moment of quiet seemed to help him regain his composure.

“Swordfishie~ Lookin’ a lil worn out-you’re sputterin’ like a choked out boat motor. Thinkin’ about callin’ it quits yet?” His smile would have conveyed hopefulness if it hadn’t been overshadowed by hunger.

Albert chuffed, “Certainly not, this is some simple after-shift meditation. Though, my resignation would be preferred, wouldn’t it? But, I would really like that business reference.” 

“Ahh, but if ya can’t make it, what happens then? What’dya offer Azul for all this?”

“That’s for Azul and I to know, and for our contract to keep confidential,” Albert finished as he collected himself and pushed past the eel with a chuckle. “Until tomorrow, friend.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the end of Thursday's shift, he felt he had gathered quite a bit of information. He had thumbed through his phone with the information he’d gathered, not paying attention, which led to him bumping into someone.

“Oh, sorry about that, I really need to…” he started, before getting a cleaner look at who he’d collided with. “My apologies...Floyd, was it? I hope I didn’t disturb any of your wardrobe.”

“Neeehhh, Ya gotta watch where you’re walkin’, Swordfishie~ Where’re ya headed, this time of night?” Floyd replied.

Jade crept up behind, boxing Albert in, “It is quite late, Albert, maybe it would be safer if we...escorted you back to your dorm?”

“That’s quite all right, gentlemen, I’ve made this trek quite a few times now…” their closeness offered only a chill down his back.

“Nahh~ We insist; coworkers help each other out, ne~?”

At that the two sprang to action; Floyd locked Albert in his arms, raising him off the ground. He made attempts at kicking, but Floyd’s strength allowed him to turn him around, to face the other twin. He flailed with all his strength but the hold he was in didn’t afford much.

“Gotcha-Hook, line, and sinker” Floyd hissed, “Gonna be pretty bad look to know you won’t be able to make it to work, tomorrow.”

Jade approached with a knowing grin, “Of course, before that, we thought it time to ask you a couple of questions…” He saddled close to the struggling target and attempted to grab at his jaw.

Albert continued struggling against his captor, but slowed pace to catch a breath. “Really? Well I think it's actually time...To Step. In. TIME!”

At his word, Time seemed to all but stop. Both of his captors now frozen in place, he wriggled his way free, and took a moment to regain some breath. Albert quickly snatched his umbrella from where it landed between the twins. He stuck the pommel next to Jade's ankle and pulled. Another snap to pause the moment, he positioned himself behind Floyd who in that instance reeled back at the sight. Albert gave a quick jab and knocked Floyd’s knees from under him. With him on his back, Albert reeled back to land a chop into his gut, forcing the wind from his lungs. Jade staggered back to regain his footing, and made an attempt at lunging for Al. Another snap paused him mid-step, with Albert taking the chance to position himself even closer. Time resumed for Jade to which his pounce was met with the end of the umbrella, effectively stopping his charge and landing him as well on his back, out of breath.

To the naked eye, it would have seemed that either Albert was blinking in and out of existence to subdue the twins, or was just beyond the speed the eyes could match as he poked and swung at the two into submission. Both lie prone, groaning and attempting to catch their breath. He took the moment to immediately book it outside, having spent the last of his available time. A minute or so of running brought him to one of the hallways looking down towards the courtyard. He thought he’d lost them, but glancing back then forward, he’d spotted the twins somehow still in hot pursuit. One had stayed behind while the other closed off another exit, boxing him in the hallway. He didn’t have any more time to hold as the two closed in. There was one last option. He made a running dive off the banister overlooking the quad and flung his umbrella open. The wind caught him with only a few inches before Floyd or Jade could. His heart pounded in his ears as he floated back to his dorm.

His landing would be better described as a crash; the impact startled Yuu and Grim, but Jack was the one to investigate. He’d found Albert leant up against the door. Seeing Jack, he sighed in relief. He clawed his way back upright, and eventually to the sofa.

“What the hell happened? They jump you? Those couple’ve snakes,” Jack growled. “Of course they’d try to sabotage you. You made it back in one piece at least...Damn.”

“They tried, yes, but this,” Al motioned towards himself in the state he was in, “Was more me overexerting. I’ve never had to use my magic this often back to back, and I should say I’m becoming more accustomed to longer stretches of time I can warp, but I’ll admit it’s...tiring.”

“If you keep at it like this, at this rate you might be the next one to overblot,” Jack warned. “Grrr, we’re really between a rock and a hard place, but all we have is info, but no plan.”

>We’re not getting anywhere real fast…

>What else can we do?

“Remember: he has a vault in his office. He has his contracts filed away there. There aren’t any wards or traps around the room, that I could find, but I haven’t had an opportunity to test the vault for the same. Luck would find it isn’t protected outside of the combination and key. I have a few guesses on the combination, but how many opportunities one would have to try, I can’t find yet…” Albert divulged.

Grim piped up, “Nyaaah!! We ain’t got time for this! I’m tired of being used like a dishrag. Everybody’s getting worked to the bone there! I say we go for it tomorrow! You’ll help us out, right, Al?”

“I’m honestly in a rather tight spot-with tomorrow being the last day I’m bound by contract, I can’t afford to breach it now, but once finished I would be more than willing to assist, provided I’m not requested to sign as a trial-run personal assistant afterwards…”

“Awe c’mon! You got us this far, ya can’t do both?”

>I think we’ve been spinning our wheels for quite a while already-maybe this is our chance?

>I can understand wanting to keep covert. If you don’t think you’d be able to help then don’t put your freedom on the line…

“Maybe you shouldn’t have signed with him in the first place,” Jack muttered, “We’ve got quite a lotta info thanks to you, but, this doesn’t leave you too many options. Maybe you might’ve backed yourself into a corner on this one…”

Albert would never admit, but at this point there weren’t a lot of options left. One thing he hated was the idea of losing grip on the situation. It made the room feel tight around him. He sighed, and stood.

“If I couldn’t handle more than one obligation without letting one fall to the wayside, then what kind of personal assistant could I possibly hope to be? My advice: attempt this heist early in the morning while classes are still in session. That would be the best time to ensure there’s no one to distract.”

[ashtrayfloors]

The past couple weeks have been pretty intense, emotionally. Good, bad, weird, all three, but intense all ‘round.

The Monday before last, E. shared a post of J.L.’s on Facebook & I had to go thru the thing I’ve gone thru so many times already: Do I tell her he abused me & risk her disbelief & the loss of our friendship? Or do I say nothing & just feel super super gross forever & probably lose the friendship anyway because I’ll feel too uncomfortable hanging out with her while knowing she’s friendly with him? I decided to tell her, and ultimately she responded the way I’d hoped she would, but I was up half the night feeling nauseous & panicky. This is like the fourth or fifth time I’ve had to go through this re: J.L. Which, I guess, is not shocking; he’s a well-known guy in the Milwaukee DIY/arts scene. So yeah, not shocking, but it still sucks that I have to keep going thru this.

In the wee hours of that Monday night/Tuesday morning, just before I finally fell asleep, was the blood moon/eclipse. & when I woke a few hours later I was bleeding. That day was the midterm elections & I wanted to make a joke about I’ve got your red wave right here or something. Speaking of—boy, am I glad that the promised red wave did not happen.

That day, and for a few days after, I went thru a bout of mania the likes of which I haven’t seen in a while. There’s still a part of me that wants to fall back into the old self-destructive tendencies. Y’know, they get manic & wanna get stupid drunk about it, or fuck a stranger about it, & they get a little ornery that they can’t. But it is fortunate that, these days, I can sometimes harness my manic energy in more positive ways. I used this bout to get a bunch of housecleaning done, & work on my novella, & then... I was listening to Endless Possibility, the tribute to Jack Terricloth, & there were all these clips of him talking, & in one of them he said: It’s hard to live in the past, it’s hard to live in the future—we live absolutely in the moment. Now is the only time. Do not ever wait. The only answer is yes. & hearing that spurred me into beginning to put the finishing touches on the revised & updated edition of What We Talk About When We Talk About Punk.

Saturday the 12th we celebrated D.’s 11th birthday. His actual birthday was the 13th, but we decided to celebrate with my parents that night, at my mom’s studio, so we could watch the holiday parade. My mom saw my new haircut for the first time. She’d seen me a couple times already since I cut it, but I’d hidden it with a scarf or hat because I knew she’d make a comment & I wasn’t ready to deal with that yet. Sure enough, when she saw it, she visibly winced, then said: “Oh, Jess, really? I keep thinking you’ll grow out of doing that kind of thing.” My response was: “I keep thinking you’ll get used to me doing this kind of thing.” Then she said: “I mean, it’s your hair, you can do whatever you want, but you look so pretty with normal hair.” I just shrugged, cuz we’ve had this ‘discussion’ (& other, similar ones) approximately 5000 times in the past 28 years & she doesn’t get that I’m not trying to be pretty. I mean, yes, I like to feel pretty sometimes, but a. I certainly don’t want to be pretty in a conventional way, and b. overall, I am not going for pretty. I’m going for jolie-laide. I don’t want to be merely pretty, I want to be hot & a little intimidating.

I don’t know. She & I have been having some problems lately, in general, & they’re all the same troublesome dynamic we’ve always had. I love her but sometimes her comments & passive-aggressiveness just exhaust me.

The next day, between cooking, reading, & playing with the kiddos, I had several moments of professional jealousy/envy. I got really down about the trajectory of my career vs. other people’s careers & felt too sad about it to work on my novella that day (though I did work on a prose poem about why I wasn’t working on my novella).

But, the very next evening, I attended Library of America’s (virtual) lecture & Q&A with Todd Tietchen & Jean-Christophe Cloutier, the editor & translator, respectively, of LOA’s book The Unknown Kerouac. It helped me get past feeling sorry for myself. For many reasons, not the least of which was their mention of Jack writing: I hope it’s true that a man can die, and not only live in others, but give them life. Which in turn made me think of Sarah Manguso’s essay about the true purpose of being a serious writer: If people read your work and, as a result, choose life, then you are doing your job. It made my envy of others’ successes seem petty, made me remember— My purpose is not to receive accolades, my purpose is to write & to get my work out there so that the people who need it can find it, & it can give them life.

So, after the Q&A ended, I got back to work on my memory project. (Kerouac considered his entire oeuvre a memory project, a la Proust, & I see myself/my work in that same lineage.)

Thursday, I went to the Racine Art Museum with my mom. We did that last year near her birthday, too, and it was so nice that it has become our new tradition. I always love going to RAM; I feel so blessed that we have such a great art museum in this mid-sized midwest town. The new exhibits that have been added since I went there back in August are phenomenal. & the zodiac-themed virtual community art show my piece is part of? They had an iPad mounted on the wall, scrolling thru all the pieces in the show, & it was really fucking cool to see mine there. I know it was only on a small screen, but still. To see my art in a real fucking art museum? Kinda mind-blowing.

In other news:

Some of my nearest & dearest have been going thru some health scares. (Thankfully, I now know for sure that one of them was just that—a scare.) Little C. has been relentlessly moody, & I guess I’ve been pretty moody, too. I’ve been horny a lot & also sad a lot.

I’ve got a new crush. I know nothing can, or will, ever come of it, but I don’t mind so much. Crush energy, much like mania, is something I’ve learned to harness in more positive ways, most of the time. I don’t need to pursue my crush, I don’t need to pine, I can make them my muse & channel the energy into writing & art. & I’ve been deep in nostalgia—what else is new—longing for a hundred thousand people, places, moments from my past. Currently, I’m missing the winter I worked in a flower shop in Chicago, & the winter I ice skated once a week in downtown Milwaukee. But, at least nostalgia is another energy I can channel into art. My whole life is a memory project.