#they are metamours and love each other in that way but its different

[majorshatterandhare]

Eurydice/Orpheus/Narcissus/Echo polycule.

Orpheus dates Eurydice and Narcissus,

Narcissus dates Orpheus and Echo,

Echo dates Narcissus and Eurydice,

And Eurydice dates Echo and Orpheus.

It’s a square.

[monstrous-femme]

So You Want to Write Poly Fic: A How-To from Your Favorite Poly Mutual

(i know for many of you I'm your only poly mutual so that works too)

This guide is going to rely heavily on Stranger Things pairings, because that's the fandom I'm currently writing in, but these concepts can apply to any fandom.

Expand your definition of Polyamory

Fandom loves the triad, and if this is what you want to write, there's no reason not to. However, three people all dating each other should not be the only thing you think of when you think of polyamory! Here are some other configurations for your consideration:

Jonathan is dating both Nancy and Argyle, but Nancy and Argyle are not dating each other

Chrissy is dating Robin, but sometimes makes out with Heather at parties.

Eddie, Steve, and Nancy are all dating each other, and Nancy has a separate relationship with Barb.

Steve and Robin have a queerplatonic relationship that they consider their primary partnership, but both date other people in a casual setting.

Chrissy is not ready to be in a relationship after breaking up with Jason, but has casual hookups with multiple people who are aware of and comfortable with the situation.

2. Pay attention to your dyads.

One of the most common mistakes I see in poly fics is trying to superimpose the same way you'd write monogamous pairings onto more people. The problem with this is that in a couple with only two people, you are only writing one relationship. In a poly ship, you're writing more, and probably a higher number than you think of. This is where the dyad comes in.

A dyad simply the relationship between two people. Say you're writing Nancy/Chrissy/Robin (as you should). You're not just writing the one relationship between the three of them. There are also three separate relationships to consider:

Chrissy/Nancy Robin/Chrissy Nancy/Robin

Each of these relationships will have its own dynamic, and just because they're all dating doesn't mean it will all be the same. This is why I often caution newer writers away from writing relationships with tons of characters off the bat. The jump from a triad to a quad moves you from 3 dyads to 6. Now, depending on your POV character, you may not have to focus much on every single dyad, but you do need to be aware of their existence.

3. Metamour Dynamics

A metamour is a person who your partner is dating and you are not dating. Metamour dynamics can be very complicated (but also very fun to play with when writing) because of the feelings that can come up seeing your partner with someone else.

Let's say both Steve and Robin are dating Nancy, but not each other. Are they thrilled to never have to be apart? Do they find it hilarious how much they share one brain? Or do they get sick of never having space away from each other? Does Robin resent that Steve's relationship with Nancy is more recognized by society because of heteronormativity? Does Steve resent that Robin's never had her heart broken by Nancy?

Metamours also may be awkward or choose not to interact. Let's say Nancy's dating both Barb and Eddie now. Do Barb and Eddie form an unlikely friendship? Are they consistently awkward and tense to a point where Nancy doesn't keep them near each other?

There are as many different metamour dynamics as there are people, and giving some life to these relationships will give a lot of texture and realism to your poly fic.

4. Let it be Messy

When we write monogamous pairings, most writers in a longer fic will include things not working out, miscommunication, hurt feelings, jealousy, anger, and angst. But there seems to be an anxiety around allowing any of these things to exist in polyamory, as if by admitting it's not always perfect, we're giving ammunition to polyphobia. (This same pressure is put on poly people in real life to be the Perfect Poly Partner and never experience difficult feelings around polyamory.)

The truth is, relationships are complicated. And while I love seeing poly pairings in fluff and smut, there seems at time to be real resistance to putting poly pairings into genres that are messier.

Mess is a part of life. Mess is especially a part of intimate, vulnerable relationships, and, on a personal note, I need the mess to exist in fiction because stories are how I understand myself. When poly people are allowed to be human, it helps me (and probably other poly people) give myself permission to be human too. You are not hurting the poly community if your characters mess up, especially if it's in real and human ways.

I hope this helps you feel more comfortable and confident writing poly characters! Feel free to shoot me an ask if you have any follow-up questions.

[polyamorousmood]

Hey there, both myself and my friend/love are polyam and I’ve been having some difficulty with one particular aspect of things. My love is very big on community (which I love about them) and like to have all of their loves (myself included) know/get along with each other. The thing is that it often comes off as a “you have to be friends with and care about all of these people”. I’ve discussed it with them on numerous occasions and they’ve basically said that they need everyone to care about and support each other. If that’s not something I can do then I’ll either be less likely to have any time with them or just won’t be welcome in their life. I take great issue with feeling like I’m being forced to be friends/care about people that I don’t think I would really be around/bother with if it wasn’t for our shared love of the one person. I find that a lot of the care that these other people try to extend to me comes off as disingenuous and forced. I’m not entirely sure what to do about things. I’ve been friends with my love for over three years (longer than any of the other people in their life) and I don’t wish to lose them over this.

I've rewritten this a couple times now. I have mixed feelings and I'm having a hard time making them coherent, so bear with me.

Because. Even if it is unfair, do you really expect to change your love's mind on this one? Do you really want to argue to your love that you never want to see all the people they love?

Even if you do convince them they shouldn't ask that of you, how do you expect them to feel about all that? How do YOU think you'll feel about it? What is your partner supposed to tell your metamours after all this time of having them be friends, and suddenly apparently that's negotiable?

I'm not siding with your partner here. Its a complicated issue and I see both sides! Their love for you shouldn't be contingent on your love (platonic) for someone else! That's weird! You can't force a friendship if you genuinely dislike these people anyway, so what do they want you to do, fake it?

But they want a life full of connections, they want the people they care about to get along. That doesn't sound so evil! I think part of it is even pragmatism, in that if you don't get along, you love has to divide their life 3 or 4 or however many different ways, which sounds exhausting and unsatisfying! For everyone! Its basically the same thing as wanting your partner to get along with your family, anyway, right?

So like. Every path I can conceive of for you to tread here:

You can ask for minimums. Maybe they're really only wanting "oh my gosh its your birthday, happy birthday!!" and not "I planned you a surprise party for your birthday!". Maybe you can work out something. Ask specifics about what the minimal acceptable threshold is for your partner.

You can turn him down wholesale. You're not going to be friends with them and they can't make you! You already know what this means.

If your biggest problem really is it feeling forced, you can try to push through that awkward phase. Pick a favorite metamour and schedule a hangout. Bond with them. Be genuine friends with at least a couple so it seems more natural. You both love the same person, so you already have something in common! I'm sure you could find more. Have you given it an honest go?

You can continue to suffer through it without changing anything, I guess.

Or I mean, you could call your partner a coercive asshole and break up with them in dramatic fashion. It'd be cathartic, at least, I suppose. Not very nice though.

There's always the "just be friends" option

You can pick the one that sounds best to you. No judgement if you can't handle befriending your metamours. No judgement to your love if they can't manage having you hate the other most important people in their life.🤷

[vacantgodling]

I somehow did not realize Red, Hel, and Arden were a polycule lmao but now I have to know even more

1 - How many members are in the polycule? How are they related to each other? Feel free to draw a flow chart. 6 - Where do each of the members land on the “solo poly” to “entwined” spectrum? 7 - Where do each of the members land on the “free agent” to “community oriented” spectrum? 18 - What are their “vetoes” for potential metamours? Do they have any at all? 20 - How do each of the members deal with jealousy? How intense is the feeling? 21 - How intense does each member feel compersion toward their partners and metamours?

~ @void-botanist

haha well, they are but they "aren't" ... mostly because of plot issues BUT technically speaking they are. its complicated lmao but basically they are but arden feels like they can't be because he's a prince. ANYWAY tho:

1 - How many members are in the polycule? How are they related to each other? Feel free to draw a flow chart.

their relationship dynamic kinda looks like this (sorry this is hard to read):

6 - Where do each of the members land on the “solo poly” to “entwined” spectrum? && 7 - Where do each of the members land on the “free agent” to “community oriented” spectrum?

18 - What are their “vetoes” for potential metamours? Do they have any at all? && 20 - How do each of the members deal with jealousy? How intense is the feeling?

red has no real hard vetoes for any metamours, the only requirement that she has is that whoever hel is with (because she's entirely closed on her side) that they make hel happy and that hel seeks to prtect his happiness. she's very protective of him and she will sack anyone who makes him feel like shit. however, this poses an issue because unlike hel's other fuck buddies or nebulous people but he's in love with arden and arden makes him happy but arden's struggles with duty, honor and his own feelings makes hel sad, but red knows that hel would be sadder if arden wasn't in his life so she kind of deals with him. she doesn't really get jealous in a traditional way? when things first begin plot wise she does have some minor feelings of jealousy towards arden bc of how hel looks for his validation (hel and arden have known each other for longer technically) BUT it usually manifests in a lot of red's self-hating tendencies. after she and hel kind of establish their main qpr, all that jealousy melts because she trusts him. but she's still not keen on hel dealing with someone that makes him feel a way.

hel feels a bit selfish but he's honestly glad that red doesn't have any interest in anyone else because he kind of wouldn't be able to handle the idea of red having metamours on her side. he definitely chases arden and others to get that sexual gratification and traditional romantic sentiment (mostly with arden) but frfr if red was a romantic/sexual person then they'd honestly probably be mainly monogamous with hel having a free pass or two. he absolutely adores red and wants to keep her to himself LMAO but he never says that aloud-even though red would absolutely be fine with that. on the side of arden, he does have a difficult time accepting that he probably won't ever be an important or fundamental fixture in his life. unfortunately for himself, he's deeply in love with arden (not as much as he is with red to be fair but still). the only thing that he can handle mentally is arden having a wife because of the whole prince duty thing, not that he'd be happy about it but he understands that that would be the best case scenario for their relationship. they've had a few arguments regarding arden musing about having different sexual partners or trying women out to get used to the idea of "his duty" but hel doesn't like the idea of arden doing this out of obligation and not because it makes him happy. though arden always tells him to fuck off because of his whole vibe of being a free agent etc etc. hel isn't really a "jealous" person, he's just always been a bit insecure about where he and arden stand regarding their relationship so he's clingier than perhaps is warranted.

and after that entire explanation you'd think i'd say that arden isn't a jealous person? INCORRECT. he's the most jealous one out of the three of them and he feels it the most intensely. despite his knowing hel for longer, the fact that hel went and established a primary relationship with red and not him does hurt (and not that hel didn't try mind you, arden is just so hot and cold) and for a long time he was sort of unfairly jealous of red who was literally just vibing. he's also generally jealous of the fact that hel has the ability and privilege to just focus on himself and his own happiness. he doesn't have to think about what would be best for their country and how the nobility want him to behave whether it be as their pawn or their ruler, and because of that, arden is constantly at a crossroads of what to do and kind of takes it out on hel. that's partially why i put "queer at night" on his side of things because the only time he's honest with himself and when he and hel are anything of a semblance of a couple is under the cover of darkness. he isn't really in love with the fact that hel fucks other people either, but he feels like he can't butt in because he's already told hel to fuck off about his own exploits so how can he expect any different from him? he does eventually warm up to red and begrudgingly agrees that red does make hel a better person and in a perfect world where he wasn't a prince, he'd probably want their relationship to just be the three of them. so he keeps his opinions to himself mostly and is just grumpy a lot of the time.

21 - How intense does each member feel compersion toward their partners and metamours?

red feels compersion pretty heavily whenever hel goes out on the town and fucks someone because whenever he's happy, she's happy. because she also does care for arden (kind of, when he's not being an ass) she is happy for him and hel as well because they do make each other happy when again. arden isn't being dumb and hel isn't being insecure.

hel WOULD feel compersion if arden did actually find a wife that made his princely duties bearable and if he actually sought out situations for his own happiness, but bc arden is mostly a man of self sabotage, he can't bring himself to be happy whenever arden is doing ridiculous shit.

arden feels it begrudgingly. he slowly warms up to hel being happy with red and red becomes important o him slowly. he actively hates whatever random people hel goes to fuck tho. they can die in a ditch for all he cares pff.

[tranakin-skywalker]

u mentioned in an answer about anakin's friends, and while honestly i think if he had stayed in contact with his mother he would be 10% more normal and 10% more fucked up but in a different direction (shmi's learned helplessness would translate into anakin directly being a little more subservient and cautious to everyone around him, but on the other hand shmi would be like, undoing all the grooming palpatine is doing by going 'DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN' while anakin is actually honest to her about what hes lying to the jedi about) or like. at least one of his normal childhood friends (who in legends canonically didn't believe that anakin was vader because they remember him as too kind) but u said he would be besties with sabe and like.

i now must scream at u about my fucked up metamour anisabe my beloved. they love the same woman in ways that no one else apart from them could understand and she looks just like her (if u can look me in the eye and tell me that sabedala isn't toxic you're lying) while he is the one whom she married. she went back to free shmi while anakin never did but he was the one who found her only for her to die in his arms. if it were a polyamourous thing they'd be the only person that the other wouldn't be jealous of because padme loved sabe first and she still fell in love with anakin and she still didn't stop loving sabe but they're still a little jealous. they would both give their lives for her. in a better world they conspire ways to make her scream and also who babysits so the other can have a date night with padme but they're also angsting about the fact that the other has something with her that they can never have. if they ever have sex post padme's death they're both thinking of her the entire time and they only marry so sabe can have custody of the children. anakin is the only person to see sabe as something other than an extension of padme and its only because he sees her as a love rival instead. padme thinks she's cheating on anakin for the beginning of the relationship but sabe and anakin are just coordinating to not have to look at each other. padme has a type and its hypercompetent abolitionists more devoted to her than they are to their principles

sorry for the long ask i just have a lot of feelings about Them (anisabe). i hope u have a nice day

Anakin and Sabe in any relationship context be it romantic or platonic wouldn't be comprehensible to any other lifeform nor would it probably be very healthy, but fuck if it wouldn't be entertaining. I think that's why I like the idea of it. They would just exist on a totally different wavelength.

Just the amount of intense jealousy and competitiveness that would exist between them would make everyone else think that they hated each others guts but if you bring that up they're like "what? No? That's one of my best friends."

I think something that tends to get forgotten is that Anakin and Sabe would have met in TPM, and that's an event that would color the rest of their relationship. Obviously they didn't interact nearly as much as Anakin and Padme did, but they were still existing in close proximity to one another for an extended period of time. Travel time between Naboo/Tatooine and Coruscant used to be about 8 days before Disney fucked it up, so that's 16 days of just being stuck on a ship together, not to mention the before and after of the Battle of Naboo. I refuse to believe they didn't interact at all during any of that.

Anakin's first impression of Sabe would have been as Queen of Naboo, and then as this girl so loyal to Padme that she was willing to die in her place. Likewise, Sabe would have known Anakin as this little boy who is the only reason why they were able to get off of Tatooine and, later, as the reason why they were able to win the Battle of Naboo. No matter their interactions as adults, that history still exists.

I do think that there would be a lot of very complicated feelings between them and a general love-hate thing going on. Like you said, they both did what the other wanted to but couldn't re: with Shmi and Padme. But I think that they would bond in a way that no one else could really understand.

The things that Sabe would have seen and experienced while helping to free slaves on Tatooine isn't something that most other people can relate too, and even fewer could be able to understand the fury and despair over the Republic doing nothing about it. Anakin would be one of the very few people who gets that.

They were both raised since a young age with this expectation that they would be willing to kill and die for a higher cause, one a Queen and the other the Republic. Their lived experiences are just so fucking bonkers, and honestly I think there's a lot of similarities between them and the thinks that they went through. Makes for some good bonding I guess.

[powerpolyculeshowdown]

so um….with round 3 soon upon us i would like to offer some more uknighted dream infodumps/propaganda…..😇

id also like to remind everyone that YOU DON’T HAVE TO DATE EVERYONE IN A POLYAM RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO STILL BE POLYAM…..i’ve seen a lot of people shut down uknighted dream usually because “cass is a lesbian” or bc “cass and eugene hate each other”

and like i guess the second one i understand because disney barely markets the show at all, a lot of people probably only saw the first bit of the show and didn’t see cass and eugene’s dynamic develop on screen (they had a LOT of conflict at the beginning of the show but eventually were shown to have a genuine friendship underneath the banter) but the first one just makes me sad like…..I HEADCANON HER AS A LESBIAN TOO!!! she can still be a lesbian!!!! rapunzel can date both cass and eugene without them dating each other……

and i know a lot of people who DO ship them as a triad and honestly i adore that too i just love the three of them in general but i usually portray them as a poly-v and that’s totally fine too!!! i know it can be a bit jarring to see a character you don’t expect or don’t feel fits in a polycule but you gotta remember there’s context….there are tons of different possibilities and there’s no reason for us to apply monogamous rules to a relationship where the entire POINT is to have a healthy loving relationship without conforming to monogamy!!!!

people jumping to this basic assumption is honestly the reason i feel uknighted dream is still as underrated as it is because it drives a lot of people away and its really unfortunate because they genuinely have so much good chemistry as a trio </3

i couldn’t even fit these into the first meme i made but this is one of the most iconic parallels. i just. look at the way they look at her yall. rapunzel has TWO HANDS.

theres also the way rapunzel sits in between two empty thrones on either side of her in the “happily ever after” reprise. and what’s probably one of my favorite group hug scenes.

the campfire scene parallel? the first meeting parallel when rapunzel lost her memory? gay. gay as HELL bro.

i’m just saying ok. society if rapunzel was allowed to marry both cass and eugene.

i hate when ppl act like polyam is exclusivity throuples where everyone is dating each other. theres a term called metamour literally used to describe 2 ppl in a polyam relationship who are dating the same person but not dating each other!! my friend called it partner in law once which i find funny so i call it that

anyway this is v good propaganda i kinda wanna watch it now tbh

[iapetusneume]

Something I love to see in stories is a bisexual awakening. I love being able to watch it happen in a safe place, in a place the person with the awakening feels like this is not something they have to hide.

And recently, I've been into characters having a poly awakening. In our table top games, there are two different characters that were part of two separate polycules, but they had thought they were monogamous. They had no problems sharing, and got along very well with their metamours. Their friendships with their metamours became their own thing, in the sense that it wasn't just having a lover in common.

And it has been super cute to watch their poly awakening.

One fell for a metamour, who she then finds out he reciprocated. He hadn't made a move because he thought she was monogamous. And to be fair, she thought she was monogamous, too. So a V becomes a triad.

The other had really only one great love for thousands of years. And when she died, he went into a deep mourning, and threw himself into his work. When she was reborn and gained her memories, they eventually found each other again. They got to beat all the odds and get the happy ending no one knew was possible. And she had other loves and he was fine with it, and counted her other lovers as family.

It was like that way for many years, until he had the chance to take an adventure where his reputation didn't follow him. He got the chance to know a fellow artist, who had no idea who he was. And to watch the crush begin to develop, and for him to know he was able to show parts of himself that he had to push down before... it was very sweet.

And then it was cute because he was like "ok but its been thousands of years since I tried approaching someone new to date," and his wife assists as a wingman. And his crush is very shy but he's trying but also his brain short circuits when he gets a good look at his muscles and omggggggg

I love it. The awakening is new and beautiful and celebrated.

[daughterofelros]

I’m seeing a fair bit of anger on my dash today directed at the idea of a poly relationship between Alex, Michael, and Maria.

Now, I multi-ship and will entertain most things, so I’ll definitely be appreciative of a lot of the meta and creative content that comes about here.

I’m also Poly myself. So I will brook no Puritanical Hatred of any forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy (any time where a person dates or is intimate with more than one person, and their partner(s) are aware of it.) I’m a firm defender of the idea that love isn’t a finite resource, and that Poly is valid as an option for how we configure relationships.

But there are ALOT of misconceptions out there that have me wide-eyed and pulling out my hair, because I hate miscommunication.

So I want to address a few of them— because given the state of ship drama in RNM fandom, when we use the same term without understanding it’s multiple meanings, miscommunication is a given, and it leads to needless harm.

Throuple: First, let’s get this out of the way. Biggest red flag that the person talking about three people dating doesn’t move in Poly communities? If they use this word. “Throuple” is not a thing. It exists solely in the mind of Hollywood Screen Writers and Web Article Authors. The only time I’ve ever heard a Poly person use this term is to roll our eyes and mock it. There are serious reasons for that, but we usually try to keep to eye rolling and move on.

Why Throuple Isn’t A Thing: So, Poly is a form of Ethical Non-Monogamy.

That means the relationship dynamics that require one person to date two others equally at the same time in the same way? Unrealistic expectation and best, deeply unethical at worst— dictating who someone can, can’t, or should love isn’t ethical, and that’s what an expectation of three people all dating each other the same way is. Triads where everyone dates each other are really, really rare. And ones where two or more of the people identify as male? Extra extra rare. That triangle where everyone dates everyone else? Deeply unusual.

And in the case where it does exist? There are four relationships, not just one— each relationship between each point of the triangle, AND the overall group relationship too. Each of those have to be invested in, and each of those have to be their own autonomous relationship that grows and changes at its own pace.

Also, it should never be assumed that two people will date because they both like the same person. And people shouldn’t be expected to date if their attractions are incompatible. People also shouldn’t be expected to date if they’re Bi/Pan but not automatically into each other. In the rare event a triad forms and everyone dates everyone else...each dynamic should be unique and grow at its own pace. It’s not just monogamy with an extra body.

Okay, so...Triad?: Yup! Triad is a much better word! One that Poly people actually use to describe themselves, or aspects of their dating life. Though again, really rare to have 3 people all date each other.

Wait, what do Poly Reationships look like if everyone isn’t dating?: Most often, they look like “V” or “hinge” relationships, where Person A and Person C each date Person B, but not necessarily each other.

(Fun reminder: dating and sex aren’t necessarily the same thing, so these dynamics are about expressing a relationship, not all about sex.) Also, just because they’re not dating, the dynamic between A and C might still be REALLY important. Sometimes, there’s not much connection, but usually, that metamour dynamic is super important.

Metamour?: Yup! Vocab lesson— metamour is how you say “partner’s partner”. It’s two people dating the same person, but not each other. This looks different for different people, but for a lot of poly folks, the support structure between metamours is one of the grand benefits of Poly. Metamours may go out for coffee, hang out together, be friends, play video games together, go to the gym together, hang out and cook together, and spend time with their mutual partner both together and alone. Everyone’s mileage may vary, because some folks prefer a polite distance and don’t really ever hang out. Me? I play D&D with most of my metamours, and I’ve spent the weekend on a fishing trawler with one of my metamours because she needed a buffer from her bigoted family during their annual fishing trip. Another metamour has kids in the school where I work, so sometimes I pick the kids up! We all have big dinner parties or movie nights that involve different parts of the polycule. Our dynamic is very “kitchen table” with everyone being a big ol’ family.

Multiple Metamours? Polycule?: Yeah! Most poly people are open to dating more than 2 people over time. As we map these relationships, that tends to look like a constellation or a diagram of a molecule. Hence, “polycule”. Poly rarely looks like a closed triangle. It also doesn’t usually involve just a single V. More often, it involves a bunch of different configurations, and a bunch of ways of setting up households (including deliberately not living together. Lots of folks practice solo poly where they don’t cohabitate with anyone else. Some folks are all raising kids together in the same house. Lots of dynamics exist in-between those points!)

Here’s a great polycule map from Kimchee Cuddles! It shows how dynamics shift over time, overlap, and weave together. Diagrams like this are frequently drawn by Poly folks, oftentimes on napkins over dinner.

But...Isn’t Jealousy An Issue?: Sure! Jealousy can be a thing- it’s a really human emotion! Most people who find themselves living a Poly life find themselves have to deal with jealousy at some point. One key thing though is that for most Poly folks, jealousy isn’t seen as the expected response to a situation (like seeing someone you love kiss someone else). Instead, it’s treated as a sign that there’s some kind of unmet need to reflect on and unpack, and you get to work it out and communicate about it. A lot of us think about it as check engine light. But there’s also this beautiful counterpoint to jealousy, and it’s called Compersion!

Compersion?: Compersion is the BEST! It’s really just...being happy because someone else is happy! In Poly, that might be the fact that you find yourself smiling when you see a cute moment between your partner and metamour, or see them getting excited for a date. It’s joyful and bubbly and sweet. It’s feeling your heart soar because you see your partner happy and in love. It can exist alongside jealousy— being happy that your partner and their date went to an awesome concert, even though you couldn’t afford a ticket yourself— or it can be so bright and lovely that it completely fills the space that society says should be taken up by jealousy. It makes me giddy to see my partners smooch their other partners, or make breakfast together. I grin when I see them holding hands. Sometimes a group of us are together doing something very normal like hiking...but we’re all grinning like idiots because the Compersion in hearing the mix of conversations and hand holding and flirtation is so infectious that we’re all filled with joy from it.

The thing is, we’re actually used to feeling Compersion in some societally accepted ways— when someone gets a new job, or is excited they’re having a baby, or gets engaged. One of the easiest things in the world is feeling happy for someone you love because they’re happy. And it’s kind of mind-blowing to have the realization that that’s true in romantic contexts as well.

Look- polyamory requires a lot of communication. It takes willingness to work out issues through communication. But a lot of the reasons we think ‘that could never work’ are reflexive judgements based on social constructs. Anyone who desires the benefits enough to put in the work of communicating can do Poly well, if they find it suits their needs. And when we look at fiction, characters who experience love for more than one character at a time can always be imagined in scenarios where that commitment is possible and can be achieved. There are so many valid ways those relationships can work.

And since I would always rather see my beloved characters end up happy than broken hearted, I’m always going to be intrigued by characters who figure out that Poly is an option, in fanworks or in canon. Maybe it’s not my endgame hope, maybe it is. Maybe both can be things I enjoy.

That doesn’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea.

But we should recognize that there are a lot of ways to arrange relationship in monogamous ways, as well as in polyamorous ones... and that Poly dynamics are often very different than monogamous one. So if someone says they’re sailing a poly ship for some characters... it’s probably not the S.S. Monogamy With Three People.

That ship is out there, but it’s only one of the many ships in the fleet.

And you have the option to tour a poly ship, or book passage on it, or stay aboard your own ship. Just...kindly don’t open your gun ports and fire off a volley because you don’t think the ship should be on the ocean if it’s flying a poly flag.

[bobbiamorse]

Hi! I was just curious if you have any tips on writing poly ships? I want to write one but I have absolutely no idea how to go about it and I thought you might be a good person to ask :)

Hi there anon! I’m super excited to hear that you’re interested in writing poly ships, and I hope these tips help! However, I should disclaim that I’m not myself poly and have never been in a poly relationship, so you should definitely do your research and make sure you’re consuming a variety of opinions/resources. When I started writing poly ships, Kimchi Cuddles was really helpful to me - it’s a webcomic by a poly person about their experiences being poly and helped me personally understand a lot more about polyamory! Of course most of that is about understanding polyamory, not writing it, so here’s some poly writing tips:

A poly relationship is more than just the sum of its parts. If you have a relationship between A, B, and C, their poly relationship is going to be more than just A/B, A/C, and B/C - it’s also going to be A/B/C, and also also how all of those relationships interplay together. Because there are so many relationships to keep track of, if I’m writing something longer I’ll normally have a note somewhere about each relationship within the larger dynamic and try to devote some sort of screentime to that relationship. Not always possible, especially if you stick with just one POV character, but it’s helpful to me!

A side note: you’re probably going to end up focusing more on one component relationship of a poly relationship when you write, because you’re more comfortable writing one relationship than the others or some other reason, and that’s okay! But that’s something you should be aware of, and something I paid attention to a lot when I first start writing poly so that it didn’t feel like I was just writing my favorite ship with a third person tacked on.

Each relationship within a poly ship should be functional on its own. One of my pet peeves with people who write poly is when two partners say that they “needed” the third to make their relationship work. You should never add another person into your relationship to save it - I think that phrase was originally used to mean you shouldn’t have a baby to save your relationship, but the same is true of poly relationships. A poly relationship can’t be healthy if each of its component relationships isn’t healthy, and while it may seem romantic to say that two people’s relationship wouldn’t work without the third person, it’s not a particularly good portrayal of polyamory. (A side note: it’s totally fine to write about unhealthy poly relationships, the same way it’s totally fine to write about unhealthy mono relationships! - but because poly is less mainstream, it can be a lot easier to accidentally write an unhealthy poly relationship.)

Each person should bring something to the relationship. I feel like this one is kind of obvious, but it’s still worth saying! One of the cool things about poly to me is it’s a very intentional way to approach love - I choose to have more than one partner because different partners are fulfilling to me in different ways, and I want to have that experience. If you can’t figure out why two people would be into each other romantically, it’s okay if their arm of the poly ship is platonic and they’re just metamours who chill together.

Poly relationships involve a lot of communication and compromise. Three people is a lot more complicated than two, because of the point I made earlier about a poly relationship being more than the sum of its parts. Four is going to be even more complicated than three, and so on. Each person is going to bring different baggage and comfort levels into the relationship, and the same as two people in a monogamous relationship have to navigate each others’ comfort levels and boundaries. With more people there’s likely to be more conflicts in these comfort levels and boundaries, and so there’s a lot of talking. Like, a lot. You might not want to write all of this out, but you should probably know what they’ve discussed, what boundaries they’ve set, etc. 

Of course, if you have questions about a specific poly ship that I feel comfortable writing/giving advice for I’d be happy to answer those questions too. :)

[merryfortune]

Hi! not sure if rant is the right word here, but I was curious if you had any thoughts/opinion on polyships for starpre? (ships like HikaLalaYuni, EleMadoYuni, EleHikaMado or the five together or other different polyships?)

HikaLalaYuni

fucking genius. Hikaru can have two alien girlfriends as a treat. its what she deserves. is clearly the best resolution to my own internal conflict of hikala vs hikayuni. the answer is so obvious in hindsight

plus lala and yuni also had that cute moment at the summer festival so its entirely possible that it could seamlessly transition from lala>hikaru<yuni to lala<>hikaru<>yuni and i do prefer a triad over ot3s which have unnconnected threads to them (have metamours, i think that’s the word i was looking for)

EleMadoYuni

also genius because I stan thematic continuity

i will forever adore the person who pointed out that these three girls all share colours amongst one another. i never noticed. i did notice that hikaru and lala are both curtains match the windows types but not these three and it works really well

i think them being a triad thickens their narrative worth. they always felt like the second banana to hikaru and lala so i think the inclusion of them coming together as a triad helps bolster their narrative presence in a really different and unique way which i appreciate a lot

EleHikaMado

I’ve never considered this ship before. a humans only event. doesn’t interest me as much as ot4 or the ot5 but i think it would be a solid ship in the hands of the right writer or artist. 

and i just realised in the hands of the wrong artist or writer, it might be a hikaru and her two mothers scenario which gets an eyeroll from me because its unfortunately common that the neurodivergent-seeming character gets infantilised... but that’s not something i think i need to worry about

i kinda like the idea of hikaru and madoka drifting closer to each other whilst elena’s abroad and as for elena, well, absence makes the heart grow fonder. that’s how i would do it, at least

but yeah, a good ship, not entirely my cup of tea but gets a thumbs up from me though i am such a stalwart “give hikaru an alien girlfriend” camper haha :’)

the ot5/other poly amorous combinations

honestly. all that matters is that these girls love and support each other. doesn’t matter what combination they’re in, be it in monogamy or polyamory, all that matters is that they have someone who loves and supports them and them requiting such feelings

I did try penning an idea for them as an ot5 but i gave up because i realised the timeline was all wrong for it (i could recycle it as an ot4 but then yuni would miss out and yuni doesn’t deserve missing out)

but i do think there is a dire lack of ot+ ships in the precure fandom and we should change that :>

[polywogslovetales]

Because I Learned The Hard Way

Normally this is primarily a journal of my poly experiences but I have had a few people join exploring polyamory and I wanted to make a post about things I have learned about polyamory since I began this journey.  To clarify, what I am going to say applies specifically to how I view and interact with the poly lifestyle.  There are as many was to do this as there are people who do it, so I am by no means speaking for everyone.  I’ll start with a short list for those who don’t want to read the whole post but I will explain my thoughts behind each below.

So, here is what I learned the hard way:

1) Your partner does not complete you, you are whole by yourself. 2) Jealousy is normal, but not in charge 3) Your emotions belong to you, not your partner or metamour 4) Rules constrain more than they help. 5) Disagreements are healthy, fighting is not 6) Sometimes your fears will be made manifest; partners do leave.

Your partner does not complete you, you are whole by yourself. There is this myth that seems to pervade monogamous culture and many of come from monogamy and bring this idea with us.  The idea is that your partner (be they a nesting partner or longtime love) is your “other half” or sometimes “your better half.” While this may seem like a harmless and cute way to refer to your significant other, I find the idea behind it troublesome.  I am 27 and have been with both of my partners for about 2 years.  I love them dearly. I don’t like imaging my future without them.  But they do not complete me.  I am a whole person by myself and if they both leave I am still whole and still valid.  I think Its important to see yourself and your partners as distinct individuals who have chosen to spend their time and energy on each other.  Now, if you are 72 and have been together forever, then some of that “other half” mentality is a little reasonable.  But I don’t have near the shared experience with a partner to even come close to thinking of them as a part of me.  And even if I did, I still think it is better to view your partners as individuals. I believe that doing so helps keep a better hold on ourselves and to remember that our partners are people too, with their own needs, wants, emotions and agency.

Jealousy is normal, but not in charge. I firmly believe that jealousy comes from one place: our own insecurities.  Why else would it matter what my partners find attractive in someone else unless I feel like that is somehow encroaching on what makes me attractive or else that some other person has what I feel I don’t.  Jealousy is the active manifestation of our own personal insecurities.  Now, that being said, jealousy does not just vanish because you decide to be polyamorous.  We all experience it in different ways and to varying degrees but most of us do experience it.  I, for instance, have to actively work against weird feelings I have whenever M is seeing someone new and I am still far away meaning that the new partner is getting more time and physical affection than I am.  I want that same time and attention.  Or when either M or F start seeing someone new and I realize that i’m a little short and rocking a dad bod, whereas they are taller and more in shape. IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL INSECURE.  And it is healthy and important to talk about these feelings with your partner but with the intent to explain and get validation, NOT to blame the other person.  My partners are very good at making me feel loved, attractive and validated. Often, expressing any weird feelings I have results in a lot of affirmation and an increased sense of closeness. If I am feeling jealous it is my responsibility to either healthily cope with that feeling or make significant changes in how I approach relationships.  It is important not to let jealousy be in charge. Jealousy should not make decisions.  Now, I think it is important for partners to be supportive of each other while growing through jealousy.  Often we need a little extra affirmation and attention when we are feeling jealous, but that does not mean I get to decide anything about my partner’s relationship just because I feel jealous. This encroaches on their agency.

Your emotions belong to you, not your partner or metamour. This one is a hard one for me still but I work on it.  Emotional responses (like jealousy) to a situation are not in our control and generally valid.  Feelings need to be heard, they only get worse when forced to be quiet, but if we don’t approach them carefully they can turn ugly.  Lets say your partner starts seeing someone new and it makes you feel a bunch of new, complex emotions many of which don’t feel nice.  A lot of times we find ourselves blaming that partner or metamour for those feelings.  We should not. Our feelings are our own and they do what they want.  It is not our partner’s fault that them going on a scheduled date makes us feel unsafe and small.  Its not our metamour’s fault that their relationship looks a little different than ours does with our partner and seems better because its new and different.  Our emotional reactions are ours. As a second part of this, having an emotional response does not mean it should be listened to.  Every emotional response is valid, but that does not mean that the response accurately represents the world and should be taken as one voice to listen to, not the only voice.  Both of my partners are good at this, but I see this with F a little more directly due to his proximity.  Back when J was still in my life, I remember a day when F was having a powerful emotional response and desperately needed attention and affirmation.  I asked J if she would mind if I left for an hour or so to spend time comforting F (I had scheduled this time with J so it was her time).  She obliged and I went and held F for a while and loved on him as much as possible.  After he had gotten in a good cry I went back to J.  F made it abundantly clear that even though he felt some powerful emotions, some of which hurt, he did not want that to be the reason I stopped spending time with J.  Later we spent a lot of time together affirming each other and slowly those feelings subsided. (You can check out the post “The Most Romantic Words” I made about the situation. Search the tag “sometimes things hurt” or just “f” and it should pop up). NOW, it is important to note.  That situation only worked out because I gave F the attention he needed.  This idea is NOT an excuse to ignore your partner’s feelings or for them to ignore yours.  Just a reminder that feelings aren’t the boss and exploring polyamory means figuring out which emotions we can work through and what we need from our partners to do so.

Rules constrain more than they help. When I first really started being poly I had this thing called the “veto rule.” It made sense to me at the time.  I didn’t want polyamory to ruin the relationship I had with S.  I thought that as a failsafe we could institute a rule whereby if a metamour was making us severely uncomfortable we could ask each other to not date that person.  It was meant to be used only in dire circumstances, but it existed.  And in general we approached new partners with a short rulebook for interactions, again with the intent of keeping our relationship with each other safe.  I find this line of thought can be very destructive.  Rules can very quickly become legalistic and I find that people end up fighting about those rules and how they should be interpreted more than applying the reason behind them.  I find that it is better to talk to your partner about what you need from them, more than what rules they should follow.  Its more about boundaries than it is about rules.  For instance, I find the idea of what I call “overlap” a little uncomfortable.  I would not want a partner to have hot, amazing sex with a metamour and then immediately come hop into bed next to me.  I’m not bothered by the idea of them having sex, but I don’t necessarily want to smell it on them.  I have asked both of my partners to please shower in between.  Or another example is that I ask my partners not to leave marks on me (and I try not to leave marks on them) because it can be a little weird to kiss someone’s neck and discover there is a hickey right where you wanted to kiss.  Another boundary for me involves communication.  I would like updates on how a new relationship is going, but I don’t need a play-by-play.  Milestones are more helpful and I reserve the right to ask if we can discuss it later.  Lets say I am having an insecure day and my partner is trying to update me on something new in their relationship. I might explain that I don’t have the emotional fortitude for that discussion right now and will ask about it when I am ready.  None of these are rules, but all of them are boundaries I have found that keep me comfortable and happy.  If a partner accidentally pushes one of those boundaries (maybe a mark was left accidentally) i’m not going to punish them for breaking a rule, but merely remind them of my boundaries and politely and lovingly ask that they be observed.

Disagreements are healthy, fights are not. Everything I have said up to this point is a possible source of contention.  I have had disagreements about boundaries and emotions with partners plenty of times.  Sometimes these disagreements are very unpleasant and hurtful and result in a lot of tears and complex feelings.  NONE of that is an excuse to deliberately hurt my partner.  Disagreements are when adults talk to each other about something they view differently and any negativity that might have resulted from that difference.  Fights are when adults let that negativity precipitate and to anger, insults, statements made to hurt, and even violence.  FIGHTING IS NOT HEALTHY. Disagreeing is healthy.  It is important to work toward tactful explanations and calm interactions.  Its ok to step away from a situation for a bit and come back with a cool head, even in the middle of a discussion.  

Sometimes your fears will be made manifest; partners do leave. Even with all of the positive interactions, validation, affirmation, consideration of feelings and healthy discussions, sometimes it just doesn’t work.  Sometimes your fears and insecurities will seem validated.  Both Z and J left my life in a way that was painful and made feel small.  Both spent enough time away from me that they fell out of love with me while falling in love with someone new.  This is literally one of my biggest fears with polyamory.  And it happened.  To this day I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me.  I have to remind myself that I could not have done anything to prevent that and even if I could have it would not have been responsible.  Sometimes things just fall apart.  That does not mean polyamory is not right for you.  It does not mean polyamory doesn’t work.  It does not mean there is anything wrong with you. IT DOES NOT MEAN THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU.  But I will make this promise, if you view yourself as a distinct, whole individual who has practiced excellent communication through the entire relationship, it leaves you feeling better at the end than if you had not.  I KNOW I did everything I could in those relationships.  I was the best partner I could be.  And M and F regularly validate and affirm that communication and intention when it comes to my relationships with them.  I stand stronger knowing that I was an effective partner.  Does it hurt? absolutely.  Z left over a year ago and J not long after and I still wake up feeling small sometimes.  But I press on without fear because I am still the best version of me I have ever been.  

To Recap: talk to your partner and figure out where your boundaries are.  Do this in a calm and thoughtful way.  And remember that you are enough by yourself.

[featherquillpen]

Canon Polyamory Recs

For this month’s Polyshipping Day, I thought I might rec some canons that have canon polyships. I don’t just mean strong subtext, or things that could be interpreted as poly, but actual explicit nonmonogamous relationships. I love non-canon polyships as much as the next person but I thought some folks might like to try out some canon ones!

The Magicians on SyFy

This has the best polyamory rep I’ve seen on television, period. The Magicians is a show about students at magic grad school. It started out with minor characters, showing us one student’s parents in a triad relationship with another magician. Then it brought polyamory into the foreground with a main character, Eliot, who is a king in an alternate reality where it is custom for royals to have both a husband and a wife. The show’s exploration of Eliot’s complicated emotional life is an absolute delight to watch.

The Broken Earth Trilogy by N.K. Jemisin

This is one of the best fantasy book series of all time, in my opinion. It’s an epic set in a secondary world where a brutally oppressed class of geomancers are the only buffer against a tectonically active planet hostile to life. One of these geomancers, Syenite, and her friend and mentor Alabaster, enter into a long-term V relationship with a charming pirate named Innon (who is the hinge of the V.) I love the books’ loving, tender depiction of the metamour relationship between Syenite and Alabaster, who are so important to each other, and united by their love for the same man.

The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers

Rosemary, a human woman from Mars, and Sissix, a female lizard alien called an Aandrisk, end up in a committed open relationship by the end of the book. Aandrisks as a species are non-monogamous by default, and an important part of their relationship is Rosemary accepting that Sissix does not love her any less because she goes off to join Aandrisk orgies sometimes. Their romance is very sweet.

The Vorkosigan Saga by Lois McMaster Bujold

The Vorkosigan Saga is an epic space opera centered on Barrayar, a planet that was cut off from the galaxy and regressed technologically, and was recently reintegrated into the galactic fold. It begins with a dramatic romance between Aral, a Barrayaran, and Cordelia, who basically comes from Space California. In the latest installment of the series, Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen, we learn that Aral and Cordelia were secretly in a committed V relationship (with Aral as the hinge) with Oliver Jole, Aral’s secretary. I liked how this newest book explores the metamour relationship between Cordelia and Oliver.

Stars in My Pocket Like Grains of Sand by Samuel Delany

This book is centered around an epic romance between two men from different planets and radically different backgrounds. Korga is an ex-slave who went through hell to get where he is in life, while Marq is wealthy, respectable, and surrounded by a family that loves him. They end up in a committed open relationship. There is a scene where they go to a public bathhouse together and fuck a dragon. I don’t know what else you want from a book, honestly.

The Books of the Raksura by Martha Wells

These books explore a culture of dragon-people who live in colonies much like social insects. The worldbuilding is very interesting. In this culture, polyamory is normalized, and the main character is in a committed relationship with the queen of his dragon-hive, and later on a lower-ranked man of his hive as well.

The Red Threads of Fortune by J.Y. Yang

Set in a fantastical historical China, this book is centered on Sanao Mokoya, a magician on the run from her mother’s tyrannical regime. She is in an open marriage with a monk named Thennjay, and over the course of the book she falls in love with a mysterious naga-rider, who goes only by Rider, who she isn’t sure she can trust. Mokoya and Thennjay have a difficult marriage, but for reasons that have nothing to do with Mokoya’s lover. This book and its companion novel The Black Tides of Heaven are great new releases.

Edits: 21 June 2019

First of all, I want to rescind or at the very least qualify my rec of The Magicians; after I made this post, the show got deep into some toxic Bury Your Gays bullshit, and I can’t in good conscience fully recommend it anymore.

I also want to add some new recs.

Sense8 on Netflix

Definitely now the best polyamorous rep on television. It has not one, but two, canon polyamorous triads. Both of them are extremely sweet and good. 

Friends at the Table: Seasons of Hieron (podcast)

Friends at the Table is an actual play podcast where each season they tell a beautiful story by playing indie tabletop RPGs. One of their story arcs, Seasons of Hieron (consisting of Autumn in Hieron, Marielda, Winter in Hieron, and Spring in Hieron) now has an absolutely beautiful slow burn polyamorous V relationship between three women. 

Strange Grace by Tessa Gratton

A new YA fantasy book, set in a fairytale village on the edge of a deep, dark, terrifying forest, to which they regularly sacrifice boys to maintain their prosperity and harmony with the land. The daughter of the village witch gets into a polyamorous triad with two boys as they discover the forest’s dark secrets.

The Machineries of Empire by Yoon Ha Lee

I should be upfront that much of the polyamory in this series is not remotely happy or healthy, but deeply twisted, including incest and dubious consent. But whether it’s the two bloodthirsty gay immortals who share beautiful helpless young men over the centuries, or the boss general lady who just loves her wives a lot, polyamory is ubiquitous and deeply normalized in the fictional space fantasy society of the Machineries of Empire series. 

[simplyoriginalcharacters]

How to Write Characters in Realistic Polyamorous Relationships

Earlier this week, an anonymous follower asked: Any advice for writing a REALISTIC poly relationship?

Friend, you are in luck. As a polyamorous person, I’m always looking for more stories that include good poly representation! So first, we’re going to dig into some information about what poly is and what it isn’t, go over some vocabulary, and discuss how polyamorous relationships function in the real world, and then I’ll get into some dons and don’ts for writing polyamorous relationships. Read on under the cut!

Let’s start with some disclaimers here. When I say “involved with” in this piece, or when I refer to a relationship, those can mean that two (or more) people are engaged sexually, romantically, or platonically (or queerplatonically!) with each other, or any combination of those. We’ll get more into why that is in a moment. Additionally, everything I’m going to tell you here is based on my own experiences as a poly person and my own knowledge of the poly community and typical poly practices, so make sure that you continue your research and don’t just take my word for anything. Last, please keep in mind that since every poly person is different and every relationship is different, I can’t tell you how to write poly characters, but what I can do is give you a solid base of information to start working from so that you can start figuring out what your poly character’s relationships look like and how they affect your character. Okay, let’s move on!

So we’ll start with some basics here. The simplest shape a relationship takes is two people, right? That’s monoamory, more commonly referred to as monogamy. Monoamory refers to two people who are in a relationship with each other, and monogamy refers to two people who are married to each other. Any relationship that involves more than two people, whether or not all of the people in that relationship are partners with all of the other people in that relationship, is called a “polycule” - that’s because when you map these relationships out, they look like molecules! Some common relationship shapes are mapped out below, with the appropriate terminology. (I apologize for the image quality - I had to cut this in half and Tumblr still didn’t like it!)

Here we see a monoamorous or monogamous relationship, a poly vee, a poly triangle, a poly N or Z, and a poly quad. Beneath that, you can see a poly network, showing how different poly relationships can be connected to each other. A polycule can be very small, or it can be very, very large; it can be closed or open; it can involve relationships that are just local, or there can be long-distance partners too; it can mean that relationships are sexual, romantic, or platonic (or queerplatonic!) or some mix of two or three of these; it can include some short-term and some long-term commitments, no commitment, or only short-term or long-term commitments. Polycules can look like just about anything!

There is some terminology you won’t find on my diagram. In the poly vee example, Ajax is Bella’s paramour or partner, and Cameron is Ajax’s metamour, or the partner of his partner. In the poly N, Bart and Corrine are metamours, while in the Z, it’s Ariel and Diane. A “closed” relationship is one that isn’t open to new partners and an “open” relationship is one that is. Sometimes, open relationships come with stipulations agreed upon by the people involved. In the example of a poly network seen above, perhaps Gerald is asexual and Hannah is not, so they’ve agreed that Hannah may engage in a sexual relationship with one other partner and Hannah chose Fritz. This is just one of the ways in which a relationship may be open, but limited. Another concept I didn’t put in the diagram is the idea of “primary” and “secondary” (and even “tertiary”!) partners. Some people choose to rank their relationships in this manner, with a primary partner often being a long-term partner or a spouse and a secondary partner being someone they’re dating who isn’t seen as having the same amount of influence or importance. Often, a primary partner’s needs will come before a secondary partner’s, and a secondary partner’s needs will come before a tertiary partners. Not all polyamorous people use this system of categorization, but it works for some.

The most important thing to know is that polyamory rests on a foundation of informed consent. If someone has to go behind their partner’s back and can’t or won’t tell their partner that they’re involved with someone else, that’s not polyamory. That’s cheating, and it’s a really unfair thing to do to a partner. Some people aren’t interested in exploring poly relationships, and that’s okay! Poly relationships can take a lot of emotional labor and time. The other reason this isn’t cool is that if two partners haven’t discussed opening up their relationship and one partner decides to engage in unprotected sexual activity with a third, they could contract an STI and expose their first partner to it without the first partner’s knowledge. It’s never okay to endanger another person’s health. People should be aware of the possibilities so that they can give their informed consent and take appropriate action, like making sure that they and their partners are regularly screened for STIs.

Informed consent is one of the reasons that communication is so important in poly relationships. It’s also vital to monoamorous relationships, but in poly relationships, instead of juggling two peoples’ needs and schedules, you could be juggling three, four, or even more! Everyone deserves to be in relationships that meet their needs, and relationships take time to maintain, so in poly relationships, partners often spend a lot of time discussing…well, everything. While they’re dating, they might discuss their calendars, STI protection, whether the relationship is open or closed, and whether the relationship is short-term or long-term in nature. If they decide to commit to each other, how does that affect other partners, especially if one person is committed to more than one? Will they all live together, or separately, and if separately, how will they split their time? Will there be kids, and if so, who will raise them and how will their refer to a parent’s other partners, and what role will those partners have in the childrens’ lives? Who will pay the bills? What happens if they break up? Again, these are problems that monoamorous people have to discuss as well, but they can get really complicated in polyamorous relationships. A lot of poly people even get lawyers to help them figure these problems out, especially in a long-term, committed triad or quad relationship!

Communication is also the answer to one of the most commonly-faced issues in any relationship: jealousy. In its simplest form, jealousy is what tells us that something is wrong and our needs aren’t being met. Suppose that Ariel and Corrine go together to a wine tasting, and when looking at the pictures later on, Diane feels jealous - and she doesn’t even like wine! If she takes some time to think about why she feels jealous, she might realize that she’d like to spend more time with Ariel, and that she feels like they’re not as connected as they used to be. Once she understands the root of her jealousy, Diane can go to Ariel and explain to her that her needs are not being met, and they can work together to come up with a plan to address those needs. The next time Ariel shows Diane pictures of a wine tasting she attended with Corrine, perhaps Diane will simply be glad that her partner and her metamour had such a good time, and will be able to appreciate that Ariel has a relationship where she can share her love of wine with someone, because she’ll feel more secure in Ariel’s affections.

The other major problem with polyamory is that there’s no real road map for how it should go. We see monoamorous relationships all the time,  in real life and in the fiction we consume, so we have a pretty good idea how those are supposed to play out: two people are interested in each other, they date, maybe they get married or have kids, maybe they stay together and maybe they don’t. With polycules, things get more complex. For example, you can only be legally married to one person, but you don’t need to file paperwork for a commitment ceremony if you want to commit to someone outside of your marriage, or if you don’t believe in marriage, or if you want to commit to multiple people without having one relationship seen as “more real” or “more important” than the others. However, if you’re not legally married, you aren’t entitled to the privileges and protections that people who are legally married are entitled to, which could become an issue if, say, your partner is sick and in the ICU and only family is allowed to visit, or if you want to get your partner on your insurance, or if you want to file taxes together, or adopt kids jointly, or…well, the list goes on. While monoamorous or monogamous people can simply follow the course laid out for them by society, polyamorous people are off-roading, and that can be really difficult for some people to come to terms with.

Polyamory sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it? Well, it can be, but there are a lot of reasons why it’s worth it, and they’re different for every polyamorous person. For me, it’s that every person is multifaceted, and being involved with two different people allows me to explore different parts of my identity. I share different interests, inside jokes, and types of intimacy with each of my partners, because they’re different people and my relationships with them are unique. I couldn’t ask either of them to try to meet all of my needs or appreciate every facet of my identity, but between the two of them, I am able to have all of my needs met. Likewise, if one of my partners wanted to date outside of our vee, I would totally understand that and support it - I don’t believe that I should be responsible for being anyone’s “everything”, either! I also believe that love isn’t a finite resource, and that it’s precious enough to be worth putting the extra work in when you love more than one person. I don’t love either of my partners less just because I love both of them; if anything, seeing the way they treat each other makes me love them both even more. Again, these are just my personal thoughts and experiences; every poly person and every relationship is different, so make sure that you’re taking the time to do your research and explore other thoughts, opinions, and experiences!

So, now that you’ve had a great big chunk of info-dumping about what polyamory is and how it works, here are some dos and some don’ts for writing polyamorous relationships:

Do continue your research into polyamory. There’s no one way to be poly, so you shouldn’t just take my word for these things. Learn about them from other people in the poly community. It never hurts to have more information, especially about how people would like to see themselves represented.

Do allow your polycules to grow organically. What I mean by this is that you don’t want to shove two people together just because your plot demands that it be so. Make sure that their relationship grows and changes and develops over the course of your story. If your character is already in a polycule at the beginning of the story, cool. If not, show me how they decide to pursue this lifestyle, and why, and what it takes for them to get there - and show me why the people they want to be with are worth it to them.

Do focus just as much on the individual relationships in a polycule as you focus on the polycule itself. If I’m reading your story, I should be able to figure out what each person sees in every person they’re involved with. I want to know that these relationships are organic, not manufactured for the sake of the plot.

Do make sure that your characters are communicating! Jealousy happens in poly relationships - it’s how you deal with it that matters. And I cannot stress enough how important consent is. I want to see your characters talking about and resolving the problems they face in their relationships, especially when those problems are balancing the needs of multiple partners.

Do allow characters to feel conflicted! Internalized monoamory and monogamy are real, and sometimes, it’s hard to figure out poly relationships because of them. Sometimes people think they’re poly and then they try it and realize it’s not for them, and that’s fine. Sometimes it stinks that you can’t find songs or quotes that don’t reference “the one” when your “one” is really two or three people. Sometimes, it’s just really difficult not to have a road map for how your relationship should go. It’s okay to show your characters struggling with these things!

Do include poly humor. We love poly puns. For example, someone might refer to themself as “polyunsaturated” if they’re poly but only in one relationship and looking for another, or “polysaturated” if they don’t have the time or energy for any more relationships. The kids of a poly marriage might be referred to as “polywogs”. Some people in poly marriages refer to their spouses as “spice”. It’s okay to be silly!

Do allow your characters to run into opposition from time to time. People are becoming more open about polyamory, but it’s definitely outside the mainstream, and it’s okay for your other characters to be confused or even hostile when it comes to poly relationships. It’s also okay if you have a character who isn’t completely open about it for that reason. There are genuinely people in the world who would rather think of someone as a cheater than think about them as being involved in two or more distinct relationships with the consent of their partners. It’s fine if your characters run into them, as long as you make that moment work for your story.

Don’t force your characters to choose. I’m so tired of “him or me” moments in stories. I just want to see a story where a character realizes how manipulative and unhealthy that attitude is, and calls that person out on it. And then leaves them, because no one should be with someone who would manipulate them into staying.

Don’t ignore the consequences of bad behavior. Again, I’m really tired of seeing unhealthy relationships. If someone lies or cheats or breaks the agreed-upon rules of their relationship(s), somebody ought to call them out on it and at least make them aware that it’s not okay to treat people that way.

Don’t assume that all poly people are sexual or hypersexual, or that all poly relationships are romantic. Lots of asexual and aromantic people are involved in poly relationships because it’s a great way for them to be with a partner and allow that partner’s sexual or romantic needs to be met by someone else. Some poly relationships involve no sex or no romance whatsoever. Every person’s needs, every relationship, every polycule is different, so figure out what works best for your characters.

Don’t forget that maintaining relationships takes time - and you need to account for that time. If your character has multiple partners, figure out how they’re juggling those relationships. Do they have a really organized calendar? Is there a set date night every week for each person they’re with, or is it more casual? Again, this depends on your characters, so don’t be afraid to explore! And don’t be afraid to show what happens if someone gets neglected, even if it’s an accident.

Don’t assume that every character in your story needs to know that your character(s) is/are poly. It’s totally okay if they’re not advertising their relationship on billboards, and it’s totally okay if they are. It depends on what works best for your characters and your story.

I’m really glad that you gave me the opportunity to talk about something so important to me, Nonny, and I hope this answered some of your questions and gave you an idea of where to start if you want to include polyamorous relationships in your stories. If you go off to do your research and you’re not sure about how to include something in your story, feel free to come on back and I’ll be happy to help you out. And remember - every person and every relationship is different, so take what works for you and leave the rest. Only you can figure out how to tell your story. Good luck!

-Kyo

[polyamorousmood]

Anon from before- Yes please, if you could, elaborate. I know I have see polycule? And Triad as terms but anything else I haven't. Thank you so much in advance for the information. I haven't asked anything about it before because it is a bit like being introduced to a part of me I didn't know or recognize or whatever and honestly I've just been scared of it, kinda? Anyway, yeah...lol

I'm shure more questions will follow. Lol

I'm happy to explain! I know new stuff can be really overwhelming, so please don't hesitate to send as many asks as you need 💖 There's plenty of articles out there as well that explain things, but I don't have any on-hand I'd recommend over any others (though if any followers do, please drop them in the notes!)

I'm going to go ahead and slap on a read more cause I already know this is gonna be long [spoiler alert: I was right. What's below the cut is some definitions and information about some broad ideas of dynamics in polyamory]

First, little disclaimer that I'm not the foremost authority. These are my perceptions, and I hope to give you an overview of common understandings, but its a diverse community. I'm sure someone'll disagree with me on something.

Alright, let's make sure we have some common understanding of the terms you dropped:

Polycule: Any arrangement of multiple partners, but especially used in large or complicated situations. The name comes from "poly"+"molecule". If you recall your chemistry lessons, you should recognize that molecules come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes, so it makes sense!

Triad (also called "throuple"): Three people all dating each other.

And a few basic related terms just to avoid any confusion

Polyamory: The choice or orientation to have multiple romantic interests at a time. Oftentimes, polyamory will see itself as distinct from open relationships, swinging, and other forms of non-monogamy in that you are romantically invested in all your partners, but there is overlap.

Non-monogamy: any relationship dynamic where you are not sexually and/or romantically exclusive to a single partner or vice-versa. You'll also see "ethical non-monogamy" or "enm" for short often to emphasize this is done with consent as opposed to cheating. I'm of the opinion this is redundant, but I don't knock people for their preferred verbiage.

V or Vee: a three-person relationship where one person is dating the other two, but the other two are not dating each other.

Metamour: a partner of your partner's

Please note there are a lot of words for specific polycules (like triad and V) I'm not even going to touch on here. It gets really complicated really fast, and you can worry about those once you've got your feet wet 😂

Because the point is not, in my opinion, to pick a "shape" you want for you love life, but to have an idea of what sort of dynamic you want. Its very important, so I am once again going to tack on the disclaimer once again that you don't have to have these answers. And if you think you have an answer, but change your mind later after experimenting, that's totally okay, too. You're living your life, and life doesn't always have simple answers. Its just a little more convenient if you can describe to (potential) partners what you're looking for.

My goal is to describe some broad options so you have a better understanding of some different ways things can look. Then hopefully you can sort out what you're chill with.

These are paired as "versus" but in reality they are are spectrums. In any real relationship there will be middle ground and negotiations to be had.

Hierarchical vs. Non-hierarchical

In Hierarchical polyamory, you have one primary partner who is most important to you. They will take up more of your time, love, attention, etc than your other partner(s). For example, this may look like a man having a wife, who he lives with, plans on having children with, and consults for major life decisions, as well as a girlfriend he sees a couple times a week and loves, but never plans to progress the relationship beyond that. He will likely prioritize his wife's wishes over his girlfriend's when there are conflicts

In non-hierarchical polyamory, you don't rank partners. Different relationships are considered to be roughly/functionally equal to you. Examples of this might be a triad, where all the partners live together and make major decisions as a team, or it might be a relationship anarchy sort of thing. Relationship anarchy is by its nature hard to define, but it focuses on setting rules/understandings with individual partners based on each unique relationship.

Kitchen Table Polyamory vs Parrallel Polyamory

Predictably, kitchen table polyamory is when all involved parties can regularly "sit around a kitchen table together." Everyone knows their metamours personally, at least, and may also consider them friends or start dating them as well. This can also become what I call a "poly commune" situation where everyone ends up co-habitating or even raising children together.

Opposite of this is parallel polyamory, so named because your various relationships never "intersect." Your partners all know the others exist, but aren't expected to meet each other or interact. This might look like a married couple who have laid out rules for who and how the other person is allowed to date, but otherwise have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on other relationships, or it might look a woman who dates several other people semi-casually and will reference them to each other but just feels its easier if they don't meet (or a lot of other things. The examples I list for this whole thing could never be exhaustive.).

I've also seen references to garden-party or birthday-party polyamory, which is sort of in between the other two. The idea is, as you could probably guess, that regular interaction doesn't occur, but for big events like birthday parties, you invite multiple partners. So in our example earlier of the man with a wife and a girlfriend, the wife and the girlfriend might see each other a couple times a year, for the man's birthday and his famous [big sporting event] party.

Degree of "Openness"

What sort of limitations do you have on who you date/sleep with? For example, you may only be allowed to date within the existing polycule (this is called "polyfidelity") (triads are stereotypically depicted as being "closed" in this way). You may have a relationship anarchy situation where you're allowed to date or have sex with anyone you want no questions asked. Maybe you're in a committed relationship with a primary and they want you to check in and talk it over before dating someone new, and you have an agreement to always use condoms with anyone but your primary. Maybe you and your primary are only wanting to date together. Maybe you have a partner who is fine with you dating anyone but their friends.

Polyamory vs Open Relationship or Swinging

Basically, are you loving other people or is it sex-only. I'm not going to get into it too deep here since you're on a poly blog, but if you haven't yet, you might take some time to figure out if what you want isn't just sexual freedom in an otherwise monogamous romance.

So that's a lot, but I think its a pretty good synopsis of common ways polyamory can manifest. As mentioned before, these are all spectrums, and its likely you or your partner(s) will have their own little caveats. You can also be in multiple of these at a time! You may have one partner who doesn't want to meet your other partners, and several other partners who all like to come kick it on your couch together. I encourage you though to imagine which of these you'd be comfortable with. Some people, for example, feel very strongly that they either need to know or not know who their partner is dating. Its really important as you go through this process to sit through your feelings without judgement and to communicate clearly with all your (potential) partners. (You'll also want to be able to listen to their feelings without judgement, even when its difficult to hear, but start with yourself.)

Phew! I hope that covers it. Or covers it well enough you have some stuff to sit and think on or research independently. I know its a lot. But there are so many people who are willing to help you figure it out, myself included, so feel free to send as many questions as you have. Welcome~ 💙❤️🖤

[sorenteenwrites]

Just a thing

SSO OC Asks 

1. What is their home stable in-game? Why?

Mistfall, story wise it’s because the baroness (my character works for her) wanted to start up a vineyard in mistfall and sent my character to manage the day to day operations, but mostly it’s just because I like mistfall.

2. Where do they actually live in Jorvik?

They bought a farmhouse in mistfall after selling their place in silverglade

3. Who is their favorite NPC? (Obvs they wouldn’t be for our characters, but you know)

There are several, Rania, Avalon, Evergray, Ydris, the list goes on.

4. Who is their Soul Steed? What breed are they? Do they have any markings or look different in some way from the in-game appearance you could give them?

For now it’s the black Clydesdale, until they do Percherons. If they ever get around to Percherons its a Black mare with a small white blaze (My irl soulhorse) Mockingbird.

5. What is their favorite location? (Ex, Hollow Woods, Greendale, Silverglade Manor Library) Why?

Wooded areas in general, so mistfall and valedale mostly

6. Who’s their favorite horse? Why?

Assuming you mean npc horse it’s Meteor.

7. What are their powers? Are they stronger with one Circle over any of the others?

She’s not stronger in any circles, but her favorite is lightning. She gets, essentially, less powerful versions of the four soulriders powers. She heals faster and medicines she makes heal better but she can’t just heal with her hands, she gets premonitions rather then full visions, she can open portals in the right places and at the right times but it’s spotty at best, and finally she can electrify items if she’s holding them but she can’t shoot lightning from her hands.

8. What’s their usual style? Any favorite tack sets or color themes for them?

Western and dark brown/black for color

9. Thoughts about Jorvik City? How do they feel about Rania’s petition for a horse-friendly Jorvik City?

It’s big and noisy and crowded, she’s got anxiety so she hates going there. She thinks it may not be the best idea, considering all the cars and loud noises.

10. Thoughts about Justin? (I’m sorry, I’m curious, he shows up so much)

She likes him well enough, she feels bad about the part she played in his disappearance and turn to darkness. All she wants is to make it better but she doesn’t know how.

11. How do they feel about the magical horse race at the circus? Did they enjoy being a horse?

She likes it, but she’d rather be turned into a Hawk or a Lion

12. Do they trust the Druids? Or how do they feel about them?

She trusts specific druids, but not the organisation as a whole. She also thinks they take to long to decide things and that they are too cautious. Caution won’t win a war against the brazen.

13. Least favorite NPC?

Not including bad guys, uhh the bobcat girls probably?

14. How do they make their money?

She works for the Baroness makes wine, grows grapes. She gets a monthly paycheck for her work managing the Mistfall winery. She’s also looking to buy half the mistfall winery and become co-owner, since the Baroness doesn’t get down to the mistfall winery much it would work out much better that way.

15. How many horses do they own?

Quite a few, I’m not going to count.

16. How many pets do they have? What kind? What are their names?

None if you don’t include the horses.

17. How do they feel about the Soul Riders? Do they trust them? Feel like an outsider? Are they closer to some over the others?

She trusts the Souls Riders, loves them really. She’s finally starting to feel like she’s one of them. She’s pretty close with all of them considering she saved two of them, and has known Alex for a while now.

18. Do they believe something mystical, magical, or otherwise strange really exists in Dino Valley? How did they feel about the leaving of the Kallter and the roar/scream/screech in the Valley?

Yes, but she’s not sure what. That freeze ain’t natural. She’s really worried about the Kallter just leaving like that, but she’s got other stuff on her plate at the moment.

19. Thoughts about Jorvik Wild Horses?

She thinks they’re really cool, she feels like they and her are similar. Not of this world but not of Pandora either, caught in-between.

20. Do you think they are a Wild Whisperer? Or are they just bonded with their Soul Steed?

Wild Whisperer of course, since she’s good with the wild things, especially if those things have a learned distrust of humans.

21. What’s their favorite Jorvegian holiday or celebration?

The more Pagan/Nordic themed ones.

22. What do they think or feel about Pandoria? Have they or do they visit outside of the quests (using the rifts)? If they have or still do, why?

It’s neat cause it’s like somehow the opposite of earth. Like being in the ocean but with air instead of water. She doesn’t visit unless she has too cause it wouldn’t make sense story wise, but she’d love to visit more. She’s real curious about what the ocean life would be like. Maybe there would be trees and ferns and flowers in it, since the coral and sea animals are above the water.

23. How has their visit(s) to Pandoria affected them? Do they have scars? Has it affected any of their life views?

At first it doesn’t appear like they have, but she’s started to notice a slight glow coming from her old scars.

24. Would they ever consider working for Dark Core or believing their side?

No. Even if Dark Core was somehow trying to do something good she still hates what they’ve done to the earth and innocent people.

25. What or who is Garnok to them? A dark presence? A squid-like monster? A child with a ridiculously complicated jumping course (fuckin @’s Lizzy)?

Something unknowable. She wonders if it really cares about dark core, or if dark core really even knows what Garnok is themselves.

26. Do they ever go to the Disco? If they don’t, would they ever consider going? What would it take to make them go?

No, too many people, too loud.

27. Disco or Moorland Beach party?

Neither.

28. Are they interested in helping with archaeology or fishing?

Both, she enjoys both greatly because they don’t require too much contact with people. (I hate both because both suck at this very moment, make it fun sso!)

29. How do they feel about Igor, the waiter/manager of the Dino Valley cafe, and whom seemed interested in your horse for… “culinary reasons?”

She doesn’t trust him one bit. And he can stay far away from her horses. He can order her wine though, thats fine.

30. Do they like the perpetual winter of Dino Valley or the perpetual autumn/fall of Goldenhills Valley, or is it strange to them? Do they prefer one over the other, or neither?

She has mixed feelings about it. It’s not natural. But she enjoys visiting both when she feels like being in that season.

💋 how many partners do you have? One for now.

💘 do you feel like you chose to be polyamorous or do you feel like it’s who you are? I think it’s currently who I am, but it’s not like I’ve always known.

❤️ how many metamours (partners’ partners) do you have? None.

💔 what was the worst thing someone has said/done when they found out you were polyamorous? Nothing yet, I’ve only told two people.

💖 what was your best moment with each of your partners? My favorite moments are when we’re curled up on the bed just being silly. Playing games or laughing or talking.

💗 do you prefer to date people who are dating each other or not? Dating each other. I want a big happy poly puppy pile.

💙 what’s your best memory with a metamour? N/a

💚 how did you come to be in a polyamorous relationship/ identify as polyamorous? It started when I was reading L.K. Hamilton's Anita Blake series. It opened my eyes to a lot of stuff when I was younger, it’s how I realized I was Bi and Poly.

💛 what’s your favorite polyam pun? My memory is shit so, don’t got one.

🌻 does your polycule have any inside jokes? Don’t PUSH me and some others.

💜 do you think of polyamory as a sexuality? Kinda, yea.

❦ what was your worst polyam break up? Not had one yet thankfully.

💝 what’s your gender? Female

💞 what’s your sexuality? Bi

💟 do you think being polyam makes you LGBT? Only if the poly group is LGBT+ I guess? 

❣️ who’s the most stylish person in your polycule? No one, yet.

💌 how do your partners tell you they love you? By saying I love you generally but also in lots of small and big ways.

💍 have you ever had or do you ever want a wedding or commitment ceremony? Maybe, I’m on the fence about it really.

💐 what’s something you like about each of your metamours? Still don’t have any.

🌸 are you looking for more partners right now? Yes, I’m looking for a female (I want a girlfriend)

🌹 what’s your ideal number of partners? 4, two guys, two girls so it’s nice and even. But maybe I'd like more then that, idk.

🌺 would you ever want to live with both your partner and your metamour? Yes!

[biofunmy]

Polyamory Works for Them – The New York Times

The Look

Having multiple partners can mean more pleasure, but it’s not always easy.

Photographs by Yael Malka

Text by Alice Hines

Produced by Eve Lyons

Through a half-century of sexual upheaval, monogamy has been a curious stalwart.

The tradition of having a single sexual partner is among the only sexual practices liberals and conservatives rarely disagree about. Its blandness belies mysterious origins: Scientists have yet to conclude why prairie voles, much less people, prefer to bond in long-term pairs.

Yet in certain concrete burrows, monogamy’s inverse is on the rise. Jade Marks, a 26-year-old artist and herbalist in the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn, recalled a recent post by a friend on Instagram: “Are there any other queers out there who are monogamous?”

That feeling may have something to do with the immediate environment. Most weekends in New York, a smattering of events cater to the non-monogamous. There are lecture series, workshops and discussion groups. There are cocktail hours and meet-and-greets. And there are, of course, parties.

On a recent Saturday night in Crown Heights, an angelic gatekeeper in a pastel harness did her best to assure a reporter that she wouldn’t be a total buzz kill at a private party of 200 mostly straight, mostly non-monogamous New Yorkers. “Just watching is O.K.!” she said outside the site, a loft lit like an infrared sauna. “Have a good time! Stay hydrated! And always ask for consent!”

Inside were some of the happiest-looking sober adults ever seen after 2 a.m. “It’s like ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ meets a Gaspar Noé film,” said a Scandinavian digital artist and recent Brooklyn transplant. He and his girlfriend were attending for the first time; they had read about the party, called NSFW, on the internet.

NSFW caters to the 25-to-35 age bracket, has an all-black dress code and is made up of 60 percent women, according to its founder, Daniel Saynt. Its application for membership requires a social media profile link (“It’s very curated,” Mr. Saynt said) and responses to open-ended and check-box questions (“ultimate fantasy” is a short answer; optional boxes to check include “hedonist,” “daddy” and “label-less”). That may sound like the precursor to a job interview, but the point is to ensure that the needs of attendees are met. Wouldn’t it be nice if other clubs worked that way?

“I don’t think that polyamory is somehow more evolved than monogamy,” said Zhana Vrangalova, a sex researcher who will teach an online course for couples and individuals seeking to open their relationships this fall. “But it should be an option. People should have more options.”

That was a maxim for the two dozen non-monogamous people interviewed for this article. The subjects, who represent a range of ethnicities, sexual orientations, gender identities and professions, agreed on this: For them, more partners means more exploration and more pleasure.

Consensual or ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship models, including polyamory, open relationships, sexual encounters with more than two people and swinging. Polyamorists are interested in exploring long-term relationships with multiple people. Swingers tend to be older couples opening their marriages recreationally.

According to a 2014 Chapman University survey, 5 percent of American relationships identify themselves as non-monogamous. In a more recent survey of single adults in the United States, in 2017, one-fifth of respondents said they would try some form of non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime.

In major cities, there are plenty of ways for non-monogamous and polycurious people to meet, among them apps, dinners, friends, blind dates and parties. In New York, organized sex parties include Chemistry, which requires a Q. and A. application and photo, but doesn’t screen for a particular look; NYC Inferno, a gay play party that mostly attracts cisgender men but is open to queer, trans and nonbinary people (Playhouse, a spinoff event, revolves around trans guys); Skirt Club, a members-only club for bisexual women; and Wonderland, which welcomes everyone as long as they bring a buddy who will vouch for them, and are committed to fantastical dress codes (“Ancients vs. Aliens,” “Dungeons and Drag Queens”).

Now a cottage industry of coaches and educators has cropped up to help polyamorous partners strive for compersion, the happy-for-you alternative to jealousy. Effy Blue, a relationship coach in Brooklyn, works with all of the following: triads, or three people in a committed relationship together; individuals seeking to transparently date multiple lovers simultaneously; partners who each have intimate friends, all of whom are close; and clients cultivating long-term relationships with someone who already has a primary partner.

“There is no single model that suits everyone,” Ms. Blue said. She also wrote a book on play-party etiquette. “Consent is the cornerstone of any well-produced, healthy and fun sex party,” she said. “This makes it safer and more fun than an average nightclub on any given day.”

Ella Quinlan, a 27-year-old event planner, said she knows hundreds of peers on the East and West Coasts practicing their own flavors of non-monogamy. In her own relationship with Lawrence Blume, a 55-year-old tech investor, Ms. Quinlan’s goal is to enhance what is conventionally beloved about monogamy, she said.

“We want to show people that it’s actually possible to be in a long-term, healthy, satisfying, deeply rooted and connected emotional relationship with somebody — and do this,” Mr. Blume said.

It’s not always easy. “There’s a lot of talking, and it takes a lot of work,” said Jade Marks. When Jade began exploring non-monogamy with Tourmaline, Jade’s primary partner, the pair quickly realized they had different expectations: Jade wanted casual encounters, while Tourmaline preferred sustained relationships with multiple people.

It took a lengthy negotiating period. Boundaries helped: Jade and Tourmaline established safe sex guidelines, and a rule of not bringing any partners to the apartment they share, though Jade said they have “a clause” for unexpected encounters.

Some emotions come with the territory. “A lot of us grew up with few of examples of what supportive queer, trans or non-monogamous relationships look like,” Tourmaline said. Among the couple’s queer and trans peers, non-monogamy can sometimes seem compulsory. “It’s O.K. to feel jealous,” Jade said. “It’s O.K. for this to be hard.”

Karen Ambert, 35, met Kenneth Play, a 38-year-old sex educator, three years ago on an art bus that was touring their neighborhood of Bushwick. Two years later, Mr. Play introduced Ms. Ambert, an emergency-room physician, to the man who became her second boyfriend, Geronimo Frias, the co-owner of a parkour gym.

It’s not technically a triad, but a V, as the relationship configuration is known in the poly community. Mr. Play and Mr. Frias don’t date each other, but they do date other people. (Mr. Play employs an assistant, in part to help book his rotating cast.)

Polyamorous for most of her adult life, Ms. Ambert hid it from her colleagues in medical school and residency. “I was always worrying about the next step. How will this impact my education and career?” she said. But recently she has grown more comfortable in her professional standing, and felt ready to come out about her love life too.

Mr. Frias was sitting on a couch at the home of Mr. Play with Ms. Ambert wedged in the middle, basking in the gaze of four adoring eyes.

Sexual repression is at the root of the wider public stigma about non-monogamy, said Narjesi Tragic, an environmental science student in Queens.

But that’s rapidly changing along with “tolerance of different kinds of lifestyles, traditions, religions,” said Orion Starbreeze, Narjesi’s metamour (both date Tiana North, a professional dominatrix and dog trainer, but not each other).

“We’re returning to that nomadic sharing of partners and resources,” Ms. North said. “There’s ride shares, there’s house shares, bike shares — we’re in a sharing generation now.”

Which, for some, is easier to intellectualize than practice. “The biggest obstacle to free love is the emotion we call jealousy,” the sex educators Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton write in the 1997 edition of their book “The Ethical Slut,” which introduced many Americans to the concept of non-monogamy.

One morning, I Skyped with Na’Im Najieb, a 33-year-old author, and Tyomi Morgan, 31, who is a sexuality coach. The two of them have been in an open marriage for a year and a half, and they recommend the use of mindfulness techniques to overcome jealousy.

“Is this really my partner separating from me?” Ms. Morgan said she asks herself when feelings of insecurity arise. “Or am I struggling my own abandonment issues, and needing to clearly express to Na’Im what affirmation I need to receive?”

Instead of jealousy, Ms. Morgan said she tries to think about gratitude and send messages like, “I was thinking about how much I appreciate you,” rather than, “Where are you?” and “Who are you with?”

Ms. Ambert, Mr. Play and Mr. Frias are all members of Hacienda, an intentional sex-positive community in Bushwick. (Mr. Play is a founder .)

Hacienda Villa, one of four locations, is an unassuming brick rowhouse across from an auto-body shop. Below the open concept kitchen-living room where 14 roommates have house meetings about chores, is a basement where events like Learn to Love Oral Sex: Tips from a Real Sex Worker (open to the public) and Second-Base Brunch (members only) are held.

“There’s a lot of sex problems in the world, like harassment,” Mr. Play said of the community’s mission. “We’re trying to engineer a way to coexist and celebrate sex without harming each other.”

He, Ms. Ambert, and Mr. Frias were currently in the process of contemplating a practice new to many of their open-minded friends and acquaintances: raising children.

“We’re in an extremely happy situation, and yet with a future that’s uncertain,” said Mr. Frias, 41, who is discussing starting a family with Ms. Ambert. “Being married and having kids in a V, I don’t know anyone else personally who’s done it.”

The idea was spurred during a conversation between Mr. Play and Ms. Ambert. It started much like any couple’s might, with Ms. Ambert saying she wanted children sooner rather than later, and Mr. Play hesitating.

Then Mr. Frias was in the picture. Like Ms. Ambert, he, too, wants children.

It was precisely her quality of “accepting people exactly as they are,” without trying to curtail their individual desires, that makes talk of such a long-term commitment possible, he said. “I’m not trying to change anything about her, and she’s not trying to change anything about me,” he added.

And those are just the emotional perks, said Mr. Play, who is coming around to the idea of helping raise children who aren’t his own. “Three incomes. Three parents. No one feels like they’re drowning in responsibility,” he said. “And the kid, surrounded by more loving adults.”

“I think this is really beneficial — a good life hack.”

Yael Malka is a photographer and artist raised in the Bronx and now based in Brooklyn. Alice Hines is a writer in New York City.

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