#they dont owe us an ending or a good story its their own lives and we should not get emgry over that

[forgedraptor]

hot take, but dsmp lore was much more interactive and had more potential when the ccs were allowed to just fuck around and mess with each other.

i think that because of how every cc are afraid of getting cancelled just cz they messed around with characters/or the present lore is the reason why dsmp lore is dying right now

its like every little thing they do, its always being scrutinized and controlled by fans/chat. its annoying because at this point, they cant do what they want and have fun cz they keep being judged by the viewers.

especially the lore fanatics- and i mean the ones that get angryand toxic over a building blowing up, or certain mobs getting killed in chaotic, non lore ways

like, dont you know that lore was created just cz some ccs just wanted to fuck around? and honestly, its the biggest reason on how other content creators could join in on fun lore: through messy, chaotic, random bullshit

like case and point: when people were bitching over michael the pig; yeah sapnap and george were messing around but did you know because of that so many other ccs got involved in that spontanious lore??

you had Sam, Hannah, Eret, Niki, and so much more who had joined in!

and look at Eret, they used the lore oportunity to further her characters lore! if gnf and sapnap havent messed around, then Eret wouldnt have taken michael to safety and had a big impact on them saving michael thing with Tubbo, Techno and Sam!

and it was literally just from gnf and sapnap messing around and having fun! and ccs were able to make lore out of it!

but then, people still got pissed at gnf and sapnap and even threatened to force them out of the dsmp; like they arent the founding fathers of the damn server?? the fuck??

im so annoyed cz yeah loreheads r cool and fun, and i was one of them before too; but if you get obsessive and some of you are projecting too much on the story and actually trying to control it, its getting really annoying and frustrating to even see things happen in the dsmp

why do you think ccs are so relunctant to do lore now? or even go on? yeah, maybe they have other plans but maybe cz in the past, the og(older) ccs just get blasted with scrutinization and keep getting judged and cancelled fr their actions whenever theyre on or just messing around

look at the dteam, they literally made the server and they cant even do anything in it cz everyone/chat is just being douchebags 24/7 when they on it (especially when they damage or kill certain mobs or buildings on the server, even though its literallt pixels and can be replaced/rebuilt)

and another thing was the blatant pick and choose attitude of some lore people do, like that one time people called Ponks lore 'fake/not canon lore' when they literally stated it was legit.

or how many times other creators have been very into lore and did their own thing bt people deemed it 'not good enough' for the story just cz its less professional than other ccs or that its more random

and i cant state enough how Bads egg lore was one of the best, most creepiest lore that helped a lot of ccs join in and mess around, and instead on twitter people shat on it saying it wasnt 'canon' or wasnt 'good enough' cz it felt rushed (it wasnt rushed, some of you just didint give Bad and his friends lore a chance or even tried to understand it) and now Bad doesnt even really feel like finishing it now

and another thing is how some of these ccs who have been morally grey in their characters and have done things in lore that some people dont like, suddenly they get harrased in twitter and in their irl lives, people are acting as if their character is them but newsflash, they are literally acting!

like when the ccs Quackity and Schlatt, Eret, Dream and Sam as well in their own lore. do you know just how many people went to their dms to harrass them and send hate and negativity over something their character did in minecraft?

not in game; but in their in real life interactions on twitter and social media were blasted with harrasment and hate over a fictional character that they made up. over a roleplay.

they are literally just actors in the dsmp, it is not them. and yet some of you have not seen the line that seperates fake to reality and have deemed them as bad as their characters??? what kind of bullshit is that.

some of the experiences they had were horrible, messages like doxxing, hate and kys were literally sent to them just because of a block game. what the fuck. like how can some of you not differentiate the content creators over their characters?

and some of you are also forcing this idea of 'the lore should be better made or fixed' when these ccs were literally doing it fr fun, they had no degree on acting, they arent english majors, not all of them have experience in making detailed and well-rounded storyies, they arent a tv shows with a steady plot. they are literally just friends messing around on a server. cut them some slack. not everything has to be so planned/well made.

so obviously some people do want to do lore, and have, or had the drive before, but because every little thing they do, like just having fun or messing around the smp, or doing their own thing (which was the whole purpose of it btw, just fr friends to hangout) and when they interact with the 'precious builds/characters/mobs' of the server, they get shat on and cancelled on twitter like theyre fucking monsters

its a block game for fucks sake, and some of you are acting like they killed people in real life. its ridiculous and unhealthy.

and now some of you ask why the older ccs dont play on the server anymore

maybe ask yourself again that after rewatching the bullshit, negativity and hate some of these ccs have encountered just from twitter or obsessive lore heads when some of you would deem them 'horrible people or villains' just cz they messed with pixels on the smp and then try to cancel them over a block game

theyve lost their drive because of all the pressure some of you put unto the lore, making it not fun for them anymore.

idk. at this point i personally may have been so into it, but now i just dont give a fuck about the dsmp lore anymore. i care about the ccs and if they are having fun in what they do, and if they dont, then i dont care about it.

[kylejsugarman]

Idk if you’ve answered this already but at what point in their relationship did Jesse tell Demi ab his past? How did that go over? How much does she know?

ive mentioned it some before but i haven't really gone super in depth!! as u all may know, i am very "and then everyone made it to alaska and everything ended up ok!! :)" minded, so i dont have a big dramatic revelation beat to my story and ultimately, jesse never tells demi that he's living under a completely new identity. however, he does tell her a Lot of other things, partially because he trusts her, partially because he feels guilty keeping things from her that might make her see him differently; he feels that she deserves to know how fucked up he is so she can escape him and avoid tying herself down to a mistake. jesse first tells her about his drug use after demi explains how her sister died, again out of that guilt and the expectation that she won't want to associate with a former(ish) addict, but demi saw firsthand how powerful addiction can be and isnt scared off. when it comes to his criminal history, it takes him a little longer to work up the nerve to disclose that stuff: he's afraid of both endangering her by letting her know what he's done and losing her. he drops a few things along the way, usually related to drug dealing and production since she was so understanding of that aspect of his past, but once they decide to get married, he feels that he owes it to her to be totally honest. the dark details of making and selling the drugs, being around violence and controlling figures. enacting violence himself. losing people. being sold into slavery. he leaves out specific identifying details (demi's never been a current events kind of person but he cant risk her connecting those dots) and places a lot of the blame on himself instead of trying to describe the people from his past who were pulling a lot of those strings. its basically an abridged version of the show's events, no names, no details in certain places (he doesnt even tell her which state he used to live in), and no forgiveness.

demi listens patiently the whole time, not asking many questions along the way. she tenses up when he touches on captivity, but otherwise her demeanor remains open and nonjudgmental. when it's over, she doesn't say anything, which is somehow worse than disgust. jesse is so wound up at this point that he flips out on her, insisting that this is her time to cut her losses. he's a criminal, a fucking murderer. he's evil. demi still doesnt react the way he wants and instead just waits until he's out of venom before reaching out to very gently smooth down his hair. petting the angry, upset dog instead of reflexively giving him away. "im sorry you've had to carry that around with you all this time," she says softly and that breaks him. because it Has been so hard carrying that around. demi asks a few more questions, clarifies a few more things, then tells him what she thinks. that she's seen how he acts now, how he treats people, how he treats himself. that she grew up with a father who sounds like the figures he alluded to in his story. that she is uncertain and insecure about a lot of things, but she's never been more sure that jesse is a good person and that she loves him irrespective of whatever came before. "im dangerous," he insists, a former fighting dog that would rather die than return to the ring. a hand on his own—"then why do i feel so safe with u?"

it's not perfect. there will always be things that jesse never shares with her and he will never totally forgive himself because as the one living person who knows the Extent of what went down, he feels that it's his responsibility to hold himself accountable for It for the rest of his life. demi's perception of him Does change, although not entirely in a negative way, and she is a little hurt that he expected her to bail so quickly and she can't lie and say that her mind doesn't occasionally drift to the fact that her husband has killed people. but at the end of the day, they're two broken people who were utterly convinced that their lives were over before they found each other. this is their second chance at life and they're never going to take that or each other for granted. whatever comes, they're going to face it together

[olreid]

just found your blog and I LOVE finding someone who understands and enjoys discussing riverdale for what it is, and who analyses it from a similar pov as I do(rare). I found your description from a previous post fascinating “jason is not a person or even really a character; he is a myth, an amalgamation of conflicting testimonies, a memory and therefore a mirror.” I’ve always seen jason as a symbol of sorts, rvd’s inciting incident, the uncovering of its shadows. I’m curious about your take on jason as a myth, the meaning of him and his death. essentially I find your take/description a lot more thoughtful than mine, and would love you to expand on it?! (sorry if you’ve answered this before, and I would love a link to that post!).

ty! i dont think ive talked about jason much on this blog but the jason tag from my liveblog might be of interest! i can say some more about him by way of summarizing my basic thoughts, under a cut because it got long lol

re: the description of jason you quote, everything about my reading of him stems from the fact that he is dead before the story begins. the show, whether intentionally or not, supports this reading by rarely flashing back to jason. in the few short flashbacks we do get, it's always because someone else is narrating their version of events leading up to his murder. in those scenes, he rarely acts, he does not emote; he never speaks, even when people are asking him a direct question, as cheryl does at sweetwater river: "are you afraid?" (i will say in fairness that this is consistent with how riverdale tends to approach flashbacks overall; usually the people in the scene don't talk because someone else is narrating. HOWEVER imo it does really stand out in jason's portrayal in particular.) all of this makes it hard for the viewer to get any information about jason for themselves, because our usual technologies of omniscience don't seem to apply when it comes to jason; the very format of the story prevents us from being able to meaningfully access him in the time before his death.

because of this lack, all we have to go on are the words of those who knew him, which may or may not be truthful and which produce a conflicting portrait of the person he was before he died. according to polly, he was a saint; according to alice and hal, he was the devil incarnate. we're told he would never hurt polly only to be shown that he cited her as a sexual conquest; we're told he was a model of perfect behavior only to discover he dealt drugs. these reversals are reversed; the drug deal which at first is cited as evidence of his dangerous character is later framed as the last resort of a boy attempting to escape his controlling parents. ultimately everyone has something different to say about jason, such that their testimony tells us more about them than about jason himself. that's what i meant by jason as mirror; people look at him and see what they want to see. they use his story for their own ends, to push their own agendas and ideas about what kind of town riverdale is and what kinds of people live in it.

this leads us to jason as myth; jason's murder ruptures the previously dominant collective myth about riverdale, namely that it was an innocent and picturesque small town. of course there were people whose experiences proved this to be false even before jason was killed, but by and large the governing structures in riverdale managed to marginalize and suppress those perspectives in order to preserve the idea that riverdale was fundamentally and essentially a happy, good, and safe place to live. after jason's death, the town as a whole has to find a new story to tell about itself; they have to find a way to incorporate this atrocity into their collective history and also retain the ability to go on living in riverdale. in trying to fix the events of jason's death in place, in order to find or create a story about what happened that everyone can agree on, the town is scrambling to recuperate its own image, to stabilize its identity.

the story that emerges from this struggle is that jason's death corrupted riverdale. this allows the town to preserve untarnished the image of innocent, wholesome pre-s1 riverdale that it held so dearly and allows the residents to sustain the hope that there might be some way to return riverdale to that innocent state, if only they can figure out how. after all, if riverdale WAS truly innocent at one point, even if it's innocent no longer, than surely it can be so again. some residents earnestly believe this to be true; some are more jaded about riverdale's redemptive potential and simply use this narrative as a means to their own ends (see hal terrorizing betty via the ostensible project of cleansing the town of sinners & hiram and hermione consolidating power while framing it as a return to a safer riverdale).

however, whether sincere or not, none of these efforts have anything to do with jason as a person; none of it is about honoring his memory or remembering his life. for the town's purposes, he is nothing more than the crisis of collective identity and reckoning sparked by his death. as ive already said, this is repeatedly reinforced by cinematic choices made throughout the show, by the fact that we arrive after jason is gone and are never allowed to meet him or hear his account of the story. even when he furnishes the clue that solves his own murder, via a zip drive discovered in his letterman jacket, he does so through a video that proves to be a clip in which jason never speaks and is positioned so that he faced away from the camera. his only movement is the result of clifford's shot, his head falling forward onto his chest. his own accusal of his murderer is wordless, motionless, and does not give us access to any interiority; it does not help us to know him better. ultimately, we can make no judgements about his character, because there is no character to speak of. within the context of the show, he is what others say about him and do to him, and nothing more.

[littledragonkana]

Ok I have reached chapter 17 and I dont know what to do. All three ways are horrible.

Not as in stupid or wrong. I just couldnt fully support any of them. Especially Roland

I get where Roland is coming from. He wants his people or rather everyone in Norzelia to be happy and thus wants to surrender Glenbrock to Heissand so there won't be another war if one country has all the salt. On the expanse of the Rosaile. Which I also understand because there is no other way in his plan to ensure peace for the masses.

But I feel like this goes against what he stood for for most of the story? He wanted to rebuild Glenbrock as its king. He was quick to take the title of ruler from Cordelia when Glenbrock Castle was retaken. And now he just wants to give all of this up?

I really didn't expect Roland to give up so easily. Well easily isn't the right word. So many things happened that were both painful for him and his people and he was disillusioned by it. But I kinda feel like he owes his people to stand strong now and keep going. He did so much to reclaim Glenbrock FOR his people. To free them from Aesfrost and build a better future. He can't just give up now. And surely this plan he makes won't play out the way thinks. Aesfrost still wants the salt and since they have this bomb (idk the English name) Heissand is an easy target for them. If they take Heissand's capital then what was once Glenbrock would also fall into Aesfrost's hands again. So everything Roland fought for was for nothing.

Also I can't agree to this plan on my own morals because we promised the Rosaile to do everything we can to free them when we convinced them to go back to Heissand where they essentially live as Slaves. I just cant do that. We betray them. And Frederica too. The Rosaile trusted us which was the only reason they agreed to this. Its just wrong.

You know a story is well written when it really makes you think deeply about what to do next. I wanted to go for Roland's route but now Idk what to do because I really disagree with him.

And Benedict's plan isn't much better either. After everything that's happened I don't want to cooperate with Aesfrost. We have no reason to trust them. They don't have any reason to trust us. Sure we basically have the same goal here but imo the end doesn't justify the means here. No way in hell am I going to stand on the side of the people who started this whole war. I can't stand the guts of any of the royals. Maybe Svarog isn't half as bad as the others but still. They are all terrible people. We don't know what they will do once we won against Heissand. What is keeping them from betraying us the moment the battle is over? Glenbrock is still weak. They can take over the mine again and then we didnt really win anything either. They want to be the strongest country in Norzelia and they are not afraid to kill to achieve that goal.

Also Benedict saying that Serenoa would be a better king than Roland? Idk. Probably. But I don't want to betray Roland after EVERYTHING we did. Sure Serenoa has the right to claim the throne but that is just a terrible thing to do. We fought so Roland could retake Glenbrock's throne and now we just say: 'Nope. Times up to play King. This is my country now. Bby buddy!' That's just wrong.

Honestly with Frederica's plan there isn't so much that bothers me but the fact that we are essentially running away from the whole geopolitical problems we have take responsibility for. She wants to free the Rosaile and lead them to Centralia where they came from in the beginning. Which is really good. We are keeping our promise to save them from slavery and bring them freedom. But we are pretty much abandoning all our responsibilities as a leader. We caused a lot of the problems. I mean Frederica didn't. I barely ever went with her plans. But she was involved in our doing either way. And Serenoa can't just leave. He is the head of house Wolffort. He is a prefect of Heissand. He is basically the right hand man of Roland. He can't just leave all of this behind and go somewhere else.

This feels like we're giving up on there ever being peace in Norzelia. It feels like we're betraying the trust of pretty much everyone who ever trusted us. Also Serenoa was raised to lead house Wolffort who are pretty much all of the military strength of Glenbrock. No matter what Roland or Glenbrock as a whole would do once we leave he would have no chance in a war.

These options are all horrible. I don't know what to do. I want to play the golden route whatever that may be. It can't be worse than this 🫠

[puppygirldanhowell]

ok so ik i dont need to dignify this person with a response, considering theyre possibly just a troll and definitely just a dick, but i love good ole stupid ass internet arguments (and the excuse to talk about REN) sooo. yeag

for context, this is the comment theyre replying to:

ANYWAYS

ok immediately, no one claimed noremma stans are evil? she didnt even mention them or fandom at All, if youre refering to me. i definitely didnt either so?? immediately jumping the gun there. secondly, yeah the author has claimed he prefers to see them All (norman and emma included) as siblings/friends/etc. this was just like? fun conversation?? no one here claims to know them better than the author, and liking a certain ship that isnt as close to canon as possible is not immoral

1. i mean- yeah. if we're basing it Strictly on canon, none of them are together, and the only Hint at romantic feelings is norman towards emma. 2. do you have like.. basis for that claim? im pretty sure it just comes from people like.. liking that ship? maybe im just crazy tho

BAHSHSISGDKEHD. babe.... i cant speak for everyone but my paranoia is not wasting its time on *drawings* or how often they kiss. also that is like. insanely polyphobic and a super disingenuous way to look at it. if we're talking explicitly about my post and rosalies comment, No One said he is owed or thinks hes owed that? in fact she Explicitly said the opposite. once again i cant speak for everyone blah blah but its less of like. an entitlement and more of just- id prefer to see them All together. the way i read their relationship is just fundamentally different than you, clearly. doesnt make either of us wrong

mmmm fuck you lol. thats a really shitty thing to say and, once again, we are talking about drawings. its not that serious

again.. it feels like youre just pulling these accusations from the sky. i dont exactly know what is the most normal amount of interest to have in a person generally, so my bad if i made it seem like i think thats all his character is, but i dont really feel like i did? i dunno. ray is SUCH an interesting and cool character that i love for sooo many reasons, but its just. inacurate to act like emma and norman are not important to him. especially in the escape arc, we come to learn that they were more or less his reason for living. yes, he wanted to save all of his family, but he couldnt, so he focused on them. thats just the facts. people interpretting the why he focused on them differently than you is not a bad thing. its all up to interpretation. i could give you plenty of "evidence" that he loves them, just like you could give me plenty of "evidence" he doesnt at all, because its a *story.* at the end of the day we're all gonna look at it our own way.

once again youre being needlessly antagonistic. we are talking about fucking drawingssss dear god above

[halfbit]

short (not short) rambles about serpents quest

these ended up mostly being about solei

sq was originally a more blatant parody of light novel isekais, villainess stories, and their tropes, and then as it developed it slowly became more genuine and serious to the point where it needed a new name.

i like giving characters secrets a lot... almost everyone in the main cast and outside of it has a "big reveal" moment aside from like. lily, which i couldnt picture anything for because she kind of feels too young to have a major secret. (she does, but its not really as plot relevant like the other ones)

solei was born out of frustration for the "wild beastman" love interest character archetype (which often includes a ??? power dynamic and inherent bullshit because those characters are also often. slaves. who get bought by the protagonist. great. the slightly improved version that shows up is when they're just desperately poor and living on the streets and get taken in by the protagonist.

to contrast, solei and wolf are intended to always be fairly equal in their power dynamics, and if anything, wolf would be at the rough end, since he owes some of his debt to solei. solei himself is not rich, he's definitely poor, but he's working poor. he's also, in contrast to the majority of beastman characters, not a) conniving or b) extremely aggressive. a trait he does keep is being generally protective, but instead of it solely manifesting as being quick to violence, he's often trying to get people to think through their ideas. generally ranging from "i dont think this is a good idea..." to "wolf, don't do this. [information he gathered] this isn't going to go well. youre going to get hurt." he's the conscious that keeps thinking about the consequences and trying to do what he can without resorting to violence to keep the people he cares about people safe. he's just really thoughtful in general and kind, but its not like he lets people walk over him. hes smart, he pays a lot more attention to peoples words and actions than he lets on, but he's usually using this for his own safety and others' comfort. he also often caves and goes along with wolf even on the bad ideas, because even though he doesnt think theyll work out (and he's often right) he's not someone who can walk away when a friend is walking into danger alone.

anyway yeah, i really wanted like, a love interest character who felt like a warm hug and wasnt going to pull manipulative bullshit for serpents quest because theres already enough of that going on, but without that necessarily translating into him being a pushover. that was the goal with solei and im trying my best to keep him that way. also this isnt a condemnation of manipulative bastards, those guys are fun and i write plenty, it just wasnt what i wanted for serpents quest.

the romance in serpents quest is like a b or c plot. its not a huge part of it but it does happen and is gonna be a canon gay relationship ultimately where they get together Before the series ends. so you can actually enjoy bearing casual witness to a continuous relationship instead of it just being a dramatic kiss at the end and then the curtain call. it's not the driving force behind the majority of the plot although it does play a slightly bigger role in some events (eg: the masquerade). its meant to be something that slowly creeps up in the background of all the adventures, happens, and then becomes a usually passive part of wolf and solei's character interactions.

side note but solei's design is probably the one that's changed the most drastically. as well as his character story, but his personality has been pretty consistent. he was a character i struggled with visualizing for years so its a huge event that i finally have something im comfortable sticking with

also solei doesnt even know what his secret is, and its one of the big ones.

[snelbz]

Life As We Know It {Chapter 23}

Summary: After the sudden deaths of Nesta’s sister and Cassian’s best friend, they gain guardianship of their nephew, Nyx.

Based on Life As We Know It (2010) and a prompt sent in by anonymous for our Nessian fanfic contest. This is a modern au.

Instead of doing a tag list for this story, we have decided to have a set posting schedule. Chapters will be posted weekly on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. Occasional surprise chapters could be posted at miscellaneous times. Chapters will be posted on both my and Tara’s blogs! >> @tacmc.​

Life As We Know It Masterlist

Shelby’s Masterlist

Tara’s Masterlist

Nesta was torn.

Half of her thought that Cassian was overreacting, but the other half of her thought that his anger and frustration was perfectly justified.

What exactly were they getting into? And, was it what was best for Nyx? Yeah, the last month had been great, but if it didn’t work out, what would that mean for him? Would it be better if she and Cassian had simply remained two friends, co-parenting under one roof?

Nesta’s heart began to beat a little faster.

She felt like she was going into a panic attack.

Cassian and Nyx had been gone for an hour, and every second that passed became more and more unbearable.

She needed him to be there.

She needed to figure this out.

She just didn’t know what the answer was.

Alis had gotten into her head, there was no doubt about that. A little over an hour ago, she was living in a dream, then Alis came in, out of nowhere, and brought her back to reality.

She was sitting on the couch, almost exactly where he’d left her, when he finally returned. He was covered in sweat, his t-shirt sticking to him. Nyx was having a conversation with him, more to himself though, since it didn’t seem like Cassian was even close to paying attention to him. But his eyes went directly to Nesta as soon as he walked in.

She’d changed. She no longer wore his t-shirt, instead in a loose shirt of her own and a pair of jeans, and her hair was loose and wet around her face. As if she’d need to shower their night together, shower him off of her. Not a shred of that beautiful skin was showing, not like she’d been doing lately. Leggings and shorts and tank tops. She’d been comfortable around him.

With a scoff, Cassian set Nyx down on the floor. He headed for the stairs, but Nesta stood, nearly toppling the cup of coffee she’d been clutching over as she set it on the coffee table. “Cassian, we need to talk about this.”

He paused, waving a hand towards her. “What for? It looks like you’ve already made your decision.”

“I need you to calm down,” she said, steadily. “I need you to think logically.”

Cassian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I need you to tell me.”

Nesta hesitated. “Tell you what?”

“If this is something you want to pursue or if I just wasted the last couple months falling in love with you,” he finished.

His voice may have lacked emotion, but Nesta felt every word like a stab in the chest. Falling in love with you. Those were the words she was going to tell him today, under much different circumstances.

Now, she didn’t know what to think.

Now, she was overwhelmed.

Now, all of her thoughts were rushing toward the same spot in the middle of her skull at a thousand miles an hour, and when they got there, her head would explode.

“It’s not that easy,” she said, and her voice cracked.

“But it should be,” Cassian said. “If you feel the way that I do, it should be that easy.”

“We have to think of Nyx,” she breathed.

“I am thinking of Nyx,” he said, struggling to keep his voice low. At the sound of his name, the baby turned to look at him. “I want him to grow up in a happy home, seeing two people who love each other, and damn it if that isn’t how it’s been for the past few weeks.”

“It’s not that simple,” Nesta said, shaking her head. “What happens if we break up? What happens if we get in a fight or something happens to one of us? What then?”

He had strode down the stairs and was in front of her before he could stop himself. He framed her face in his hands, like he had so many times the past month, to kiss her, to make love to her, to show her how he cared for her. “Why are you worrying about the what if’s? Why are you worrying about what could go wrong, rather than how right everything has been?”

Because everything goes wrong eventually. The only reason we’re together is because we were shoved into this house after the worst thing imaginable happened. They died. We took over. What right do we have to be happy?

The words flooded her mind, but stilled on her tongue.

Nesta didn’t push him away. She wanted to reach up on her toes and kiss him, softly, but she didn’t.

Instead, she met his gaze. “Cass,” she breathed.

The pain in his eyes nearly shattered her heart into a million pieces.

Nyx had walked up to them and was hugging Nesta’s leg, as if he knew that she needed the comfort.

“Dont say my name like that,” he whispered.

Nesta slowly shook her head. “I just think this has all happened too quickly. We haven’t been thinking, we’ve just been acting-.”

“You’re pushing me away,” Cassian interrupted, swallowing harshly. “Damn it, Nesta.”

“You don’t understand,” she pleaded.

“Because you’re not making sense,” he argued. “Things have been perfect—”

“They’re dead!” She cried, pulling from his grip, scooping Nyx up. “Things have been far from perfect. We’re only like this now because Rhys and Feyre are dead.”

The words seemed to freeze something inside of Cassian and he stepped back as well. “So what? We go back to how we used to be? I’m back in the guest room and we awkwardly exchange good mornings over breakfast?”

She closed her eyes, trying to block out the sight of him, the scent of him, everything. “I don’t know, Cassian, I don’t—.” She took a shuddering breath, her arms wrapping tighter around Nyx. “I just need some time to think, to breathe…”

When she looked back up at him, his jaw was set and he was slowly nodding. “Fine. Take your time.”

And then he was moving, back up the stairs before Nesta could even ask what he was doing.

A few minutes later, he was back with a duffle bag in his hands.

“Wh—what are you doing?”

“Giving you space,” he said, refusing to meet her gaze.

Nesta opened her mouth but nothing came out. She was frozen where she stood, her feet stuck to the floor, her mouth hanging open, that panic rising from the pit of her stomach into her heart, which was beating far too quickly.

Cassian kissed Nyx on the forehead as he passed, but paid Nesta no mind as he went for the door.

“Cassian!” She called, at last.

Cassian stopped just in front of the door, keeping his back to her, one hand on the doorknob.

“You're just going to leave?” She asked, quietly, bouncing a sleepy Nyx on her hip. “Just like that?”

Cassian didn’t turn around. “Are you going to ask me to stay?”

Yes. No. I don’t know. Nesta said nothing.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” he grumbled, exhaustion lacing his tone. “Maybe I need time to think, too.”

He opened the door and shut it softly behind him.

*

He didn’t know where else to go. He didn’t have anywhere else to go.

He knew where he wanted to be, but right now…

He couldn’t look at her.

It didn’t escape him that when he’d told her he’d fallen in love with her, she didn’t say it back. He couldn’t even act like he hadn’t seen her eyes flare in panic. So he couldn’t stay there. Couldn’t go back to sleeping in that guest room, not when he’d become so used to sleeping with her in his arms every night.

So Cassian had ended up here, knocking on his brother’s door, thankful that his car had been parked in the driveway when he pulled up.

He needed a drink. He needed someone to tell him he was being an asshole. He needed someone to listen while he vented and bitched. He knew Azriel would do all that for him.

When he answered the door, Seph was in his arms, pulling on his bottom lip. She smiled when she saw Cassian, but Azriel’s surprised smile quickly faded.

“Do I want to know?” He asked, looking at the duffel bag tossed over Cassian’s shoulder.

Cassian sighed, raking a hand through his hair. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

Azriel stared at him for a second before stepping aside and letting Cassian pass.

“Are we talking about this now or later?” Azriel asked, shutting the door behind them.

“Beer?” Cassian asked, dropping his bag beside the couch.

“Fridge,” Azriel said, slowly, watching him.

Cassian made his way to the kitchen and threw open the refrigerator door, grabbing a cold bottle and chugging its contents.

Azriel followed, leaning against the countertop and Seph continued to play with his lips.

“Where’s Elain?” Cassian asked, tossing the empty bottle into the trash and getting another.

“Work,” Azriel said, sighing. “So, if this involves smack talking Nesta, you may want to get it out now.”

He shook his head. He didn’t want to do that, barely wanted to think about her. But he owed Azriel at least some explanation.

“The social worker stopped by this morning,” he sighed, leaning back against the counter and opening the beer. “And honestly, yeah, it was unexpected, but I figured it’d be fine. Last time, Nes was drunk off her ass, but we— I figured, since we were more of a family this time, things would be great.”

Azriel blinked. “They’re not taking Nyx, are they?”

Another shake of his head. “No, gods, no. They— She could tell he was in good hands, but she immediately picked up on Nesta and I. What we’ve…become.”

It seemed, just like Cassian, Azriel didn’t see it as a problem. He wasn’t following. “And?”

“And Nyx was hungry so I left the social worker and Nesta alone to get him breakfast. I came back and she’s gone and Nesta is second-guessing our relationship. She asked if I’m just fucking her out of convenience.”

The thought made him sick to his stomach, almost as badly as it hurt his heart.

“And you replied with…” Azriel began, trailing off, waiting for Cassian to finish the sentence.

“I went for a jog,” Cassian said, shrugging.

“So you ran away?” Azriel pushed.

Cassian shot him a look. “No. I went for a jog.”

Azriel sighed. “And when you came back?”

“She said she needed space,” Cassian said, emptying his bottle.

Azriel set Seph on the floor with a plastic spatula, which she instantly start banging on the cabinets. “And that’s when you ran away?”

“I didn’t run,” Cassian snapped. “I gave her what she wanted. I gave her space.”

Azriel slowly shook his head. “Did you even try to talk things out?”

“Yes,” Cassian said, the word clipped. “Told her I was falling in love with her, and guess how she replied?”

Azriel watched his brother.

“Didn’t say a fucking word,” Cassian finished.

When Azriel didn’t speak, he walked back to the trash can, dropping the bottle inside.

“Quit looking at me like I’m the bad guy here,” he said, unable to turn around and look his brother in the eye. “She was ending it. She was calling things off and I’m supposed to, what? Just keep living there like we were before? Pretend nothing has changed?” He swallowed hard, willing the damn tears clouding his vision to fade. They wouldn’t. “She didn’t even ask me to stay.”

Azriel sighed, opening a cabinet beside the fridge that Seph couldn’t reach. He produced a bottle of whiskey and set it on the counter. “I can’t drink until Elain gets home. And I absolutely think you need to talk to Nesta, but I think you’re right. You need to stay here tonight. Give her space.”

Cassian blinked, and a tear that was holding on slid free, down his cheek. He angrily wiped it away. He felt ridiculous, but it had been a long time since he had told a woman that he loved her. He’d never said it in his adulthood. A couple times in his teens, before he knew what the word really meant, but never as an adult.

He’d said it.

He’d meant it.

And she hadn’t felt the same.

Cassian nodded and poured himself a glass of whiskey.

*

Nesta stared at Cassian’s contact on her phone screen.

She wanted to press the call button, but didn’t.

She did open a blank text a few times, but couldn’t type anything.

She didn’t know what to think, didn’t know what to do.

She knew what she wanted.

She wanted Cassian.

But, she didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

She had never been one who was dependent on a man, had spent most of her twenties single and having no problem with it. But suddenly, she couldn’t imagine her day to day life without Cassian in it. And that terrified her.

She heard murmuring on the baby monitor sitting next to her on the side table and glanced over to see Nyx sitting up in his crib.

It had been nearly three hours since Cassian left, and aside from putting Nyx down for a nap, Nesta had barely moved. She still sat in the same spot on the couch she’d been in when the social worker had shown up and when she’d ignored that Cassian had said that he loved her.

The words should have filled her with joy and she should have screamed from the rooftops that she loved him, too. Instead she locked up and thought she was going to be sick.

What was wrong with her?

Wiping away the tears she didn’t even realize had fallen, Nesta hurried up the stairs, and into Nyx’s nursery. He reached for her the moment he saw her, his own big, blue eyes beginning to fill with tears.

“What’s wrong, bubba?” She cooed, resting his head against her shoulder.

After a deep sigh, he looked up at her and reached for a tear that had fallen down her cheek. His lip began to wobble.

“I’m okay,” Nesta promised, even though her voice cracked and those tears continued. “I’m okay, buddy, I promise.”

Nyx knew, though.

He knew something wasn’t right.

He knew Cassian was gone.

He knew Nesta was heartbroken.

Little did he know that her heartbreak was self-inflicted.

Nyx laid his head back on her shoulder and clung to her. He stayed like that as she walked back downstairs and sat back in her spot on the couch.

He held onto her, looking around the room. She knew he was looking for him and was about to tell him he wasn’t here when he spoke. The word wasn’t a mash up of noises like it had always been. No, it was a true and steady word. His first word.

“Dada?”

Nesta froze. She didn’t even know what to say. Should she tell him Cassian wasn’t his father? He probably wouldn’t even understand, just like he didn’t understand where Rhys and Feyre had gone.

But…for all intents and purposes, Cassian was his daddy now. And she was his mama.

So she pressed a kiss to his dark hair and whispered. “He had to leave, baby. He had to go for a little while.”

Nesta hoped and prayed that Cassian would walk back through that door, and yet, she couldn’t muster the courage to ask him to.

That night, instead of Cassian taking up the spot next to her, it was Nyx, who held her hand until they both fell asleep.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Debunking the arguments for vaccine apartheid

The Biden administration’s (carefully worded) support for a WTO IP waiver on vaccines may not be the full-throated support the issue warrants, but it was still a complete reversal of decades of subservience to Big Pharma, and the industry is waging all-out war.

The arguments against allowing poor countries to make their own vaccines are a mix of racist condescension (“poor brown people are too primitive to make high-tech vaccines”), misdirection (“patents aren’t the problem”) and bad faith (“we don’t have enough materials”).

Writing for Counterpunch, Sonali Kolhatkar teases apart each of these arguments. Take the argument that poor countries can’t make vaccines — laughable on its face, given India’s centrality to the world’s vaccine supply.

https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/05/20/why-big-pharmas-arguments-against-patent-waivers-dont-add-up/

The problem isn’t that India doesn’t know how to make vaccines — the problem is that India’s brutal, variant-driven outbreak has caused the country to hit pause on exports, halting the supply of vaccines to much of sub-Saharan Africa.

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/05/biden-has-power-vaccinate-world/618802/

The idea that poor countries are especially prone to unsafe practices that make people hesitant to get vaccinated is pretty rich, given the US experience, where government cronies raked in millions of dollars while spoiling millions of vaccine doses.

https://arstechnica.com/science/2021/05/emergent-got-27m-a-month-to-prep-vaccine-plant-then-ruined-15m-jj-doses/

Countries in the Global South can make their own vaccines, but only if the WTO green-lights it. It’s not enough for Moderna to promise not to enforce its patents, because the WTO can still do it for them, raining down terror on poor countries.

Pharma has some very high-profile champions, and chief among them is Bill Gates, who evidently sees defending “IP” in principle as the key to advancing his ideological agenda, both personally and through his foundation.

I discussed Gates’s ideology in depth in this interview with Luke Savage for Jacobin, where I explore the core idea of “IP” as an ideological construct: that the law should empower firms to control their customers, competitors and critics.

https://jacobinmag.com/2021/05/cory-doctorow-interview-bill-gates-intellectual-property

IP is the tip of the spear for all right-wing ideology, which Corey Robin clearly identified in THE REACTIONARY MIND: the belief that some people are born to rule, and others to be ruled over, and any attempt to thwart destiny makes us all worse off.

https://coreyrobin.com/the-reactionary-mind/

That’s why Gates personally intervened to scuttle the Oxford team’s plan to make its publicly funded vaccine research free to all, coercing them into doing an exclusive license deal with Astrazeneca.

https://khn.org/news/rather-than-give-away-its-covid-vaccine-oxford-makes-a-deal-with-drugmaker/

AZ promised to sell vaccines at cost to the Global South…once it’s done providing doses to rich countries. This is also the premise behind Gates’s COVAX initiative, whereby poor countries can register for donations from philanthropists, corporations and wealthy countries.

As Gates describes it: “Some of the rich countries including the US and the UK, even this summer will get to high vaccination levels and that’ll free up so that we’re getting vaccines out to the entire world in late 2021 and through 2022.”

https://news.sky.com/story/covid-19-bill-gates-hopeful-world-completely-back-to-normal-by-end-of-2022-and-vaccine-sharing-to-ramp-up-12285840

That’s the deal that Gates — and other COVAX boosters — want: poor people shouldn’t expect to help themselves. They should “wait their turn.” Some are born to rule, some are born to be ruled over, and upending this natural order will do no good.

Whether driven by greed, racism or ideology, this is not a folly the world can afford. Allowing continued spread through the 125 poorest countries (pop 2.5b) will kill hundreds of thousands, if not millions. 2021 is on track to have a higher covid death-count than 2020.

Even if you identify with the rulers, and not the ruled-over, this is madness. Every time the virus infects someone, it undergoes millions, even billions of replications. Each replication carries a small chance of mutation.

Each mutation has a small chance of becoming more virulent, more lethal, more vaccine-resistant. No one is safe on a half-vaccinated planet. You can’t declare only one end of the swimming pool to have a “no pissing” end.

The fact that COVAX backers claim that once the rich world has been vaccinated there will be capacity to vaccinate the rest of the world reveals the bad faith in the argument that the world doesn’t have the raw materials to make vaccine doses for all.

Adopting COVAX instead of a WTO waiver means that access to vaccines can come with strings attached — demands to privatize publicly owned infrastructure or knuckle under to other demands. A WTO waiver would put poor countries in charge of their own destiny.

The Gates camp is big on being in charge of your own destiny — if you’re one of the born rulers. Just listen to how Gates and ghouls like Howard Dean talk about how strong protections for their privileges provide the “incentives” needed to produce live-saving vaccines.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/08/howard-dino/#the-scream

Nevermind that mRNA vaccines owe their existence to tens of billions of dollars in public investment, with the monopolistic pharma companies only coming in after all the risk was shouldered by what Mariana Mazzucato calls “the entrepreneurial state.”

https://pluralistic.net/2021/05/15/how-to-rob-a-bank/#roll-the-dice

It’s a point that was beautifully made by Rep Katie Porter with one of her trademark whiteboard-based Congressional grillings of the CEO of pharma company Abbvie during a hearing on price-gouging.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aabrV1OmLU0

Porter asks the CEO how much money his company spends on R&D, marketing, compensation and stock-buybacks and other forms of financial engineering. She already knows the answers, and has circles of colored construction-paper ready to show the relative spending.

All of this builds to a triumphant climax in which Porter affixes a vast blue circle representing “Stock buybacks and dividends” to her Whiteboard of Justice, a circle so big it dwarfs everything else on the board.

The vaccine manufacturers absorbed billions in public cash and have told their shareholders to expect a rosy future in which they charge $175/dose for annual boosters. Their CEOs took home tens of millions in bonuses based on those promises.

Those are the true stakes here: not “IP” as an incentive for those who were born to rule to deign to develop the medicine we all need. We get that from public funding, from competition, and from the scientists who do the real work — not the executives who privatize it.

The cost of letting poor countries control their own epidemiological destiny is depriving monopolists of that control.

The advantages of putting vaccine manufacturing in the hands of the Global South, on the other hand…

Those are the true stakes here: not “IP” as an incentive for those who were born to rule to deign to develop the medicine we all need. We get that from public funding, from competition, and from the scientists who do the real work — not the executives who privatize it.

The cost of letting poor countries control their own epidemiological destiny is depriving monopolists of that control.

The advantages of putting vaccine manufacturing in the hands of the Global South, on the other hand…

Saving millions of lives

Preventing vaccine-resistant, more lethal variants

Giving people control over their own destiny rather than making them beg with multinational corporations and elite philanthropists for their very lives

[kornito]

SOURCE: https://korngiant.tripod.com/kornisgoodforu/id10.html

Dead

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

All I want in life is to be happy", it's that simple. People say that it's become their own anthem. It's like whenever I start to feel good, something comes and takes it away and I feel like I'm nothing again, like I'm dead.

Falling Away From Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The song is about domestic abuse and that there ways to get help whether it's telling someone or calling a help line, there are ways to get out of those situations. Noone has to be treated like that.

Trash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Trash" is about how I threw my world and everything out. I threw her away. I threw my old self away. It basically comes back down to the sex thing. The battles I did on the road, this whole album is what I went through because I was on the road and I went crazy.

Beg for Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Beg For Me" is more of an angry thing because the whole thing for "Beg For Me" is the crowd. The only time I was good on tour was when I walked up onstage and that's what the song is about. Feeling wanted is something one thing I've always needed. I was shuffled around so much when I was a kid...Being up onstage was the only point was the only time when my anxiety would go away for an hour.

Make Me Bad

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

I need to feel the sickness in you" ... It's spawned from f**kin', basically, from having sex. That's where that line comes from, but it means a whole bunch of things to me. "Make Me Bad" was about the battles I had being on the road, being married and being with other women. I'm not married anymore... beause of my lifestlyle, and I just couldnt do that to my wife anymore. So that ended. But does it make me bad that I have a dick and I have f**ken other feelings to be with other people? Why should I be with just one? It seems like human beings are genetically engineered to procreate. Thats what we do, f**k everything, and that's what our natural insides want to do. It is hard to find someone like that. But she was a good woman and I didnt want to keep on... I did the right thing, I was a man about it. It was better for me to tell her and let her go on with her life and find someone who could help her and be like that. So that song was spawned by that, does it make me bad to want to be with other women? In a sence it was my only drug, why... because I dont drink anymore, I cant drink. I've been sober for a year. I dont have any other vices. So at least doing that could be something.

Hey Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Hey Daddy" where I was schizophrenic and there were these voices telling me to do sh*t... To kill myself, basically. Daddy is one of my nicknames, so its like I'm talking to myself the whole time. It's hard to explain.

Dirty

Song Meaning: Jonathan

"I feel like a fucking whore to record companies." "You know how it is...the way we are used and marketed." "How they make all the money off us and we don't make shit!" "The only way we make money is to go out on tour and sell merchandise" "Basiclly we write all the music and turn in and they make all the money." "So I feel like that and also I feel like a slut cuz I'd go out at night and fucking girls and so I said fuck it, I'm going to do it. The only way to escape is to have sex." "Its all kind of different issues."

Its On!

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's On is my sh*t peer pressure song. Me being so stressed out going out and partying. Everybody's just going 'Come on dude, it's on.' That's partying, it's alcohol, cocaine, women. All that wrapped into one. I wrote a song about it. And the chorus I talked about Why am I really doing this? It's all my fault that I'm doing this because all the alcohol, the booze an the chicks do is just make it worse. They just rearrange all the problems in a different order that I can deal with at that moment.

Freak on a Leash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

One of the best titles I've heard ever for a song. That's my song against the music industry. Like me feeling like I'm f**kin' a pimp, a prostitute. Like I'm paraded around. I'm this freak paraded around but I got corporate America f**kin' making all the money while it's taking a part of me. It's like they stole something from me, they stole my innocence and I'm not calm anymore. I worry constantly.

Got the Life

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a song baggin' on myself. How everything's always handed to me. How I look up to God and don't want this anymore. Like I want something more out of life than all this. And I've got everything I really need but I sometimes don't like. I don't know how to explain it. I have to let it sit through the songs more to actually get into what I write. I truly know, really, the meanings of the songs almost. That's what I'm getting out of it right now.

Dead Bodies Everywhere

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the song about my parents trying to keep me out of the music business. My father was in it and he knew how it was and I totally understand now that I have a son. I want Nathan to be a musician but I him don't want him to go through the hell I went through. That's the same thing my Dad was doing. A lot of people can relate to it, because it's like the Dad's wanting their sons to be football players and their sons want to be doctors or something. That peer pressure its like trying to make them something they're really not. And the Dead Bodies thing is like so I did it and all I got out of it was dead bodies everywhere and got all traumatized. Thanks a lot Dad, Mom.

Children of the Korn

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's the song that Ice Cube is on Cube came up with the title. I fed off of what he wrote, he was talking about growing up and puberty. Dictating what he can do, like how you gonna tell me how to live and who to f**k? And all this stuff. And I took that and in my stuff I was talking about being a kid always known as the f**kin' town faggot. It's funny how things change. That some of these people picked on me and all of a sudden look who's laughing now. Also in another of the verse I talked about all these parents f**kin hating me for what I do, saying I'm corrupting their children, but in turn these parents need to step outside of themselves and really listen to what I'm talking about. Then I think they can understand that they were kids before. They're just really quick to judge me. All the Children of The Korn are all our Korn fans. All those kids going through that sh*t and feeling what I feel.

B.B.K.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Big black cock! That's what I call a jack and coke. Those little glasses they serve in Europe and everything. That's what I named it, big black cock. And that's another song about me dealing with the pressures of this album and how I, you know, I'm trying to kill myself, but you know? Do I really want to kill myself? Things I'm just questioning myself. Most of this is self-structured.

Pretty

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's a story about this little girl that came into the coroner's office when I was working there and she was f**ked by her dad. She was an 11 month old little baby girl. Her legs were broken back behind her and he just f**ked her like a toy doll and chucked her in the bathroom. It was the most heinous thing I've ever seen in my life and I still have nightmares about it.

All in the Family

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Fred was there after Korn TV and we said, 'Let's do a song together, Hey, man, let's go back and forth and rip on each other like an old school battle.' I don't know who's idea it was, I can't remember if it was mine or Fieldy's or Fred's but we came up with the idea and we started writing and we worked on it together. I came up with some bags on myself for Fred to say. It was all in good natured fun.

Reclaim My Place

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

This one is about the whole band and about all my life being called a homosexual. And then I became this big rock star in a band and I'm still called a fag even by my own band. So it's like I was f**kin' pissed off at them. It's like erase them all because I'm gonna reclaim my place and say hey, they owe a lot to me for what I did, and I owe a lot to them back. But, it still kinda sucks. I've never ever gotten away from that fag f**kin' title. Just because I'm a sensitive kinda guy. Kinda feminine it really sucks.

Justin

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Justin, that was the kid dying terminally with intestinal cancer. His last dying wish was to meet us and it really freaked me out. That threw a whole bunch of new kind of pressures on my head. That's really intense. Someone's gonna die and his last thing he wants to do is come hang out with us. So I truly just freaked out. It's like why would you want to meet me? What makes me so special? And in turn I talk about how I admire his strength and his life. I couldn't stare at him because he was so content he was gonna die. No one could look him in the eyes. And I totally admire his strength. I wish I had it.

Seed

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Seed. That's all about the same thing again. I laying in bed in my hotel room, thinking about do I really need all this stuff? All this pressure on me? Because I'm a stressed out freak. It's about Nathan, it's about every time that I look into his eyes, I see myself how I used to be, innocent and stress free. I'm kind of jealous of it. It really sucks, I used to be that way. It's like I have to work so hard at this thing in my life. I have to become a stressed out freak. I put food on the table for my child. Every time I look in his eyes, I just see myself staring right back at my @ss laughing. I was like care free, innocent as a child. It's really weird and I'm really jealous of it.

Cameltosis

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a love song. It's about women in general, women who hurt me. It's Tre's lyrics. He's going on about chicks and my chorus is like I'm so scared to love anyone and really let them in after I got hurt really really bad by a girl. I've let Renee in a little bit, to be honest, but I'll never be that in love ever again. That's what I'm saying, if you've loved twice, you're gonna get f**ked, 'cause you usually do.

My Gift to You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Renee always wanted me to write her a love song and that's why I called it My Gift To You. It's my gift to her, you know how I get sick. I always had a fantasy of f**king her and choking her to death. I fantasize about what it would look like me in her body and watching me do it. So it's like a really sick f**ked up song. I did it totally like, I love her so much, I want to take her out of this world. It's really strange. She used to leave notes on my pillow like 25 ways she'd like to kill me. She's got this weird death fetish. We're kinda f**kin' freaky. She got it. She's all 'Thank you that's kinda f**ked up. I was expecting a f**kin' I love you, baby kinda song.' I'm all, 'No, you know me.' I mean I can't do that.

Chi

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Chi is about a lot of alcohol and drug abuse. People turn to that when they have problems so that they won't have to feel their pain. The song was named after Chi Cheng from the Deftones. We named it after him because he used to call it reggae, and he loves reggae music.

Lost

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's the sterotypical thing about your best friend meeting a chick, and then you're nothing

Swallow

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's about being paranoid. Drug-induced paranoia.

Good God

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a guy I knew in school who I thought was a my friend, but who f**ked me. He came into my life with nothing, hung out at my house, lived off me, and made me do sh*t I didn't really wanna do." "I was into new romantic music and he was a mod, and he'd tell me if I didn't dress like a mod he wouldn't be my friend anymore."

"Whenever I had plans to go on a date with a chick he'd sabotage it, because he didn't have a date or nothing. He was a gutless f**king nothing. I haven't talked to him for years.

Mr. Rogers

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Back in the day when I was a speed freak, um... even further back when I was a little kid watchin' Mr. Rogers, that sh*t was scary. He was a freaky old man... Land of Makebelieve and Mr. f**kinMcFeely and sh*t... made me sick. So back when I was doing speed, like for 5 or 6 days I'd be trippin out and my brain would start to get freaky and get schizophrenic and stuff, and I'd tape it and watch it everyday over and over... I don't know, I was sick in the head. As a kid he told me to be polite and all it did was get me picked on. I f**king hate that man. Thanks for making me polite and trusting everyone, and easy to take advantage of. So I spent 3 months on that one song, just tweakin' on it, and it was totally just my Mr. Rogers obsession, about how evil I thought he was. Pretty much drug induced.

K @ # Ø % (Kunt)

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think it's sexist but it isn't. It's more subconcious b*tching at all the women who've been with me in my life. It's not about women in feneral, just those women who hurt me." "Initially, we wrote it to send to American radio for a joke, because they always chop up all the other songs. So we were going to send a 'real' single seven days later."

A.D.I.D.A.S.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It stands for all day I dream about sex. It's about how much of a pervert my ass is, and how I daydream about what a stud I am. But when it comes down to it, I'm a f**king pussy and I'm in there jacking off.

a** Itch

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the last song I wrote, and I was so burned at writing out lyrics because everytime I write I get depressed because I start thinking about things, you know? So the whole song is about that. In the chorus it says, 'Before day, my sun will be dying'. It's because I put myself on the line all the time and for what? Because people aren't going to be listening to it anyway.

Kill You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a relative I first met when I was 12. I f**king hate that b*tch. She's the most evil, f**ked up person I've met in my whole life. She hated my guts. She did everything she could to make my life hell. Like, when I was sick she'd feed me tea with Tabasco, which is really hot pepper oil. She'd make me drink it and say, 'You have to burn that cold out, boy'. f**ked up sh*t like that. So every night when I'd go to sleep, I'd dream of killing that b*tch. In some sick way I had a sexual fantasy about her, and I don't know what that stems from or why, but I always dreamt about f**king her and killing her

Ball Tongue

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The meaning of ball tongue is simple. Some thought it had to do with oral sex, but in fact its about a guy we had to work with on a t-shirt (Jeff Creath). He either had a pierced tongue or a wart or something on his tongue and he was a dick to us.

Different live: Jonathan goes into a Rap (by Coolio) Called "Loddi Doddi" in the middle of the song.

Clown

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Korn was playing a show in San Diego for a clothing card. This skinhead guy came up and started flippin' me off. When we started, I bent down and the guy took a swing at me. Our tour manager, Jeff, got into it and knocked the guy out. I wrote this song about him: 'Scared to be honest with yourself/you're a cowardly man.

Faget

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Everyone thinks I'm bashing gay people in this song, and I'm not. It's really about me going through high school being called 'pussy,' 'queer' and all that stuff, about getting picked on by all these jocks.

Shoots and Ladders

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It was written because all these little kids sing these nursery rhymes and they don't know what they originally meant. Everyone is so happy when singing but 'London Bridge' is about the Black Plague. All of them have these evil stories behind them." "The lyrics are all from nursery rhymes, and a lot of nursery rhymes go back to the Middle Ages. They're actually pretty twisted if you know the stories behind them, like about Black Death and stuff.

Helmet in the Bush

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a speed problem that I had. You know, you do a lot of speed and -- if you're a male -- your penis retracts severly. The guy heard at the beginning of the song is La Caco, a friend of the band. His real name is Michael and likes taco bell. He's a really Nice Guy and he has been friends with the band for years

Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think daddy' was writen because my dad f**ked me up the ass,thats not what the song's about. It wasn't about my dad or my mum. When I was a kid I was being abused by someone else and I went to my parents and told them about it. and they thought I was lying and joking around, they never did sh*t about it. They didn't belive it was happening to their son. I don't like to talk about that song, this is the most I've ever talked about it...

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

I m just having these random thoughts. Like tae has always been very clingy and affectionate with other members like jhope or rm or jin or even jk. Whereas wgen it comes to vmin its mostly jimin being clingy. Like u can see even when vmin sit together its mostly jimin touching him or clinging to him whereas when they sit with others while jimin is equally touchy tae becomes clingier. Its so wierd and i dont know what to think.

Looking at the history of vmin from beginning until now (here’s an amazing timeline post by romanticdrift you should check out), in the first couple of years both of them were clingy and affectionate with each other, but also rough and lacking the experience that came with age of how to properly communicate with each other about their feelings and thoughts and in general. So, while in the beginning they just had fun with it, some of it being for show to entertain ARMY, some not, it’s true that things have evolved over the years and nowadays they are very different from how they used to be in like 2013, for example. That isn’t a bad thing though. It’s a natural progressing even.

Besides, Jimin and Hoseok are the two most physically affectionate members, that’s true, but just because that’s their love language (at least in primary free content, yet in paid content like ITS or BV, have you noticed how suddenly even they are way less physically affectionate, how the members don’t feel the need to constantly cling to each other, hug and touch each other, and rather just spend time together doing something or being in the same room doing their own things while enjoying each other company), we can’t expect everyone to have the same one. For instance, Yoongi is more about showing acts of service toward his members as a way of showing them how much he cares about them and loves them, it’s his love language. Does that make his affection for them any less valuable than when Jimin is clingy with another member?

If you look at how Tae’s behavior has fluctuated across 2020 due to obvious reasons in the first half while settling down and turning happier in the second half, you’ll notice that he’s in general “calmed down” with how affectionate in a physical way he is with the other members. He’s still silly and making jokes with them when he’s in a good mood, he still touches and shows physical affection toward Jimin, like in the RUN episode with Chef Baek and the rice cooker moment, yet there are also times when he simply doesn’t want to do that. It’s not a bad thing, and it also doesn’t have to say anything at all about the state that vmin’s bond is at. It runs so much deeper than some physical touch caught on camera during a 35-minute RUN episode, or lack thereof in some other content.

Jimin and Taehyung worked so hard and over a long period of time for the bond they have now, especially since they did it not as BTS Jimin and BTS V, but as Kim Taehyung and Park Jimin, the real-life people. They put in a lot, and I mean a LOT, of emotional and physical labor into creating and strengthening this bond they’ve always had (in some form or another) because they saw something in each other, saw that they’d found their person in each other and wanted to make it work despite their differences, despite hard times making not only their lives hard but also putting their bond to a grueling test, and at the end here we are today where their bond is literally one of the closest and strongest bonds I’ve ever seen.

More below the cut:

Now, imagine you put that much into a relationship (and for this argument the only viable reason for why they behave this way and guard this so fiercely is because there’s something romantic here since why else would they be so protective about their bond and “hide” it so much?) would you really want to showcase it so obviously to people, strangers who only wait for reasons (even if there aren’t any actual ones) to be vicious and nasty toward you? Just to see people drag your bond through the mud, to insult it, belittle it, and write it off as “fanservice” (even more than they already do) even though it’s something so precious to you, even though this person is your person, your soulmate, your special someone you want to keep at your side until you’re grandpas?

I highly doubt it.

And that’s where the difference lies. Yes, all the bonds in BTS are strong and special in their own rights, but what Jimin and Taehyung have, that is something so rare, so precious, so once in a lifetime, yet also something they worked so hard and long for and on, who would want to “sell” it to the public? Wouldn’t you, too, want to keep it safe and close to your heart? Think of Taehyung’s lyrics from the song he posted and then deleted off of twitter, of him wanting to protect his love from those with evil tongues, to save his love and save himself with an umbrella, think of the drawing from the Snow Flower cover of the boy protecting the flower with an umbrella from the snow. Wouldn’t you, too, want to protect someone who is this special to you, with whom you share such a special bond, from the horrendous opinions and words of others?

It’s easy to be affectionate with people who are your best friends, your found family, your brothers, and showing that to people, but showing the same with someone so important to you, with whom you share a different level and kind of connection, it’s a completely different story.

Besides, we still get glimpses of it from time to time, we see their affection for each other, and yes, it’s different, it might come across as weird to some, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful and their bond any less real and deep than any other bond within BTS. Does the closeness of two members truly only depend on their on-camera affection, yet the moment it’s something we only hear about yet not see, therefore is something off camera and not for us to view, somehow not exist and not matter?

At the end of the day, we know so little about their private lives, and much of what you see and hear about from some is just speculations, some of which are f*cked up to say the least in regard to some other pairings within BTS, and yet the things we do hear about their private lives come from their own mouths, especially in connection to vmin, are immediately dismissed and ignored because…because some loud part of the fandom just decides that that’s how it is and everyone else is meant to just follow their opinion, I guess?

That’s not right, we know that and, in a way, I’m sure they do as well, but they follow their own agenda, one we don’t have to follow or agree with. What they do is their thing, but as vminnies, we know what we know, we see what we see, so instead of looking what everyone else is doing, why don’t we do as they do and stick to our opinions, our feelings, everything we know about Jimin and Taehyung, as individuals and as pair, and feel happy for them but also happy for ourselves because we got to witness them grow into the people they are today, in general but also with each other. Isn’t that much more valuable than some short touch of a thigh or a teasing joke?

I know it’s easy to fall into the pattern of comparing, especially when it comes to the amount of content you get etc, but just because others want to impose their bad shipper habits on us and take how supposedly real a pairing is solely based on “”moments”” and turn it into something akin to a di*k measuring contest, who’s to say we have to participate? Besides, regardless of which shipper camp wins, it has no effect on the actual idols, says nothing about their actual real-life bonds. They are the only ones who know the true nature of their bonds and their depths, so looking at everything we know about vmin, things they’ve shared with us through visuals and words, do we really have any reason to feel insecure about our opinions? What reason do we have to think of how much or how little affection and clinginess they show toward each other in on-camera moments as the be all, end all evidence and standard of their bond? When we know how much they’ve worked for this, how much they matter to each other, enough so to cry and laugh together, to sing a song about it co-written and co-produced by Jimin, for Tae to write 4 O’Clock and many more, and for them to decide to want to stay together forever? In the face of all that, is it really that imperative for us to see them share affection on camera, for them to be clingy?

Isn’t everything else we have, these more than eight years’ worth of friendship and more, isn’t that enough for us to see and know their worth to each other?

And sure, there are moments where they are clingy, where they are affectionate with each other, so isn’t that enough? Do we really need more, or some kind of elaborate explanation for why it is that way or not a different one? Besides, they aren’t eighteen-year-old boys and rookies anymore, they are grown men who want to be seen and treated as musicians, Grammy nominated ones at that, who have learned how to communicate their love for each other in a way they are most comfortable and happy with, so do they really need to cling to each other on camera? No. They don’t owe us visual proof of their bond, don’t owe us visual reminders of their bond either.

The fact that we still get glimpses of their bond is a wonderful thing and I’m grateful for it. Generally, the fact that we get to see and witness so much of the members lives is something we should treat as special and not as a requirement, like a quota they need to fulfill. They could only ever show up during comebacks and promotions, but instead we get so much, just yesterday we had Jimin spend time on weverse replying to so many posts and even coming back a second time a little while later into the night, also replying twice to posts about Tae.

From anon: I think that, especially Taehyung, has succumbed to restrictions and fan service and the falsification of everything. This is the problem with the entire Makne lineage. Maybe they are all very real with each other in their personal lives, but in front of the camera they all seem very scripted. Because of that, I think Vmin does not present himself in front of the camera and does not want any fan service. What do you two think about it? Thanks for great posts!

This is another ask we got a while ago that I think fits thematically. Even more so when you consider that many consider anything vmin do together just fanservice, thus belittling and cheapening their bond in such a blatant and awful way despite having no right to do so. I’m sure vmin know about all of this, have seen the comments since they are everywhere, so it can’t possibly be fun or pleasant at all. You could argue that they could just not care about what people say, could just not care about how their interactions are viewed as fanservice, but that is way easier said than done when there is practically no escaping those comments at this point.

There’s a shipping rule, so to speak, especially when it comes to real people ships, that you are to keep your shipping away from them and keep it somewhere where they don’t see it. That rule has long been broken, burned and turned into micro particles that can never be put together again. And we know that’s a fact because we literally had Tae tell a shipper off on Weverse, something that usually never happens. But it did. Not that it changed anything or had any kind of effect, but it’s more about the gesture itself.

As for the scripted part, of course much is scripted but not because they are fake, their personas are fake, and the whole BTS are family thing is fake, but because their words have weight. Their actions have weight. Everything they say and do is put on a scale, measured and accounted for, analyzed, theorized and twisted one way or another. While they could be wild during rookie years, now that they’ve reached this unprecedented level of fame for Korean artists, that’s not possible anymore. They have to be careful, have to be on guard during certain content, have to put their very best foot forward at all times. It’s hard. Incredibly hard. We’ve seen them struggle with it, but that’s how it is. And when you struggle, it’s easier to have a script, even just a loose one, you can follow to make it easier, to make you less unsure or keep yourself from overthinking everything you say or do.

One thing that is incredibly important to remember is that when they are on camera, they are at work, they are BTS Jimin and BTS V, BTS RM and BTS JIN, and while parts of their real personalities are also part of their BTS personas, it’s still work, not free time. Especially during interviews or performances, while backstage getting ready to go on stage, or while going from schedule to schedule. Think about it this way, vmin are affectionate and clingy and loud about their bond in places where we see them, so now think about how loud they must be in places where we don’t see them, in their private lives? 

Enough so for none of the members to laugh or react or comment on how casually Tae spoke about wanting Jimin to come sleep next to him. And enough so that Hoseok said that the person Jimin shows aegyo toward the most is Tae (though I’ve seen at least three different translations for this moment, the one I mentioned, another one that translates it as Jimin being spoiled the most by Tae, and yet another as Jimin treating Tae as big baby) in one of the Japanese interviews (NTV Buzz Rhythm) in July 2020, Yoongi nodding in agreement, the mention of that making Tae flustered (?) and want to downplay it a little by acting ‘surprised’ and asking “(To) me?”. This, too, is something we don’t see that often (anymore) yet it obviously must be there if Hoseok mentioned it and the others agreed with him. And at the end of the day, the members truly do know them, far better than any of us ever will. Or that time at the airport where Jimin waited for Tae and they only started to hold hands when they must’ve thought no one would be able to see it. Do things like this not sufficiently show that there are simply things they don’t want to show us? And thus, shouldn’t we simply respect their choices?

And even if they are calmer now, less clingy, less ‘showy’, we still got a bed selca they took while hidden behind their legs and blankets creating as though a wall so the ITS cameras didn’t see them, with a caption that…well, opens up some interesting implications (positive ones, of course).

Let me end this post on this: if vmin were just friends, or even if they weren’t friends anymore like some so vehemently insist is the case, surely there would be no issue for them to show their just friendship the way they show it with the other members, be clingy and affectionate in physical ways, possibly even just play a role of bestest buddies like some idols supposedly do, and yet they don’t do that. So, since they don’t do it, the only plausible reason I can see for it is that they simply have something between them that they want to hide and that it’s valuable enough to them that they want to guard and protect it, that makes their bond different from the bonds they have with the other members.

[mingot-studios]

Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

 How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown  over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change 

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed 

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the  end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

[percyjacksonfan3]

The Last Olympian Thoughts

So because I have absolutely 0 self-control or restraint when it comes to this series and its characters, and for The Last Olympian in particular, I could not put TLO down. Because of this I figured I couldn’t do the usual photo reaction posts I have been so far, because the spam would just be ridiculous, so I am stealing the idea from @yourstrulytaaay​ to do a masterpost instead. (Adding a Read More cause this got ridiculously long)

Fun fact, TLO came out right after i finished reading the series for the first time so it's the first PJO book i bought  and my only hard cover one for the og series. I checked the year and turns out it was published 2009, which means i was actually 9 when i read the series for the first time. I realize this is not really a fun fact but i thought i was older when I first read the series so it's blowing my mind a little ‘cause now I’m 21 and everything hits different and i still have so much love for this series and the characters Okay onto book thoughts: - i was right that this book is gonna destroy me, the first line alone made me so excited and nostalgic it's ridiculous - I love Rachel and Percy sm tbh. Her being a bit of peace and normalcy in his life without always reminding Percy of who and what he is is so good for him. Just a little escape

- of course by the end of the book that's not the case any more but by the end he's lived his prophecy so he doesn't need it as badly, plus he and Annabeth are solid again - Percy saying Annabeth has been hard to be around lately... Ouch my heart. Luke really is the last thing that keeps them from being together and Percy is so jealous and Annabeth so torn and in pain, i feel so bad for them both

- Beckendorf 🥺🥺 - the telkhine with the Lil Demon lunchbox!! I forgot about him. Percy: 'i left him alive, partly because his lunchbox was cool' is one of my absolute favourite lines tbh - Paul taking Percy crabbing and being imperative in helping Percy kill the giant crab 💖 Paul Blofis is important and deserves the world, okay? - aw Percy, you can't save every demigod bb

- 'i had to fight him eventually. Why not now?... What difference would a week make?' Oh Percy you have no idea - real talk tho, the fact Kronos possessed Luke's body would also mess me tf up. Percy keeps forgetting it's not Luke anymore and yeah, that would be so so hard and confusing af, like what another smart little mind game for Kronos to pull on top of everything else - the fact Percy fights Kronos before getting the Achilles Curse and actually doesn't die within seconds is... Astounding. He kicks him in the chest! And yeah Kronos is weaker and still adjusting to Luke's body, but Percy is having trouble fighting Luke cause they used to be friends - Percy breaks Kronos' time magic!! Like?! Boy is POWERFUL.

- OUCH - honestly Luke, Thalia and Annabeth's family breaking the way it did... Don't talk to me. Poor Annabeth, Luke betrayed them, Thalia joined the Hunters because of Luke's betrayal so she's pretty much AWOL all the time and then Luke dies. Like Rick wtf, my heart can't take it? -Percy and Tyson having each others backs when talking to Poseidon in the underwater palace is the brother-brother relationship we love to see - Percy trying to stick a sand dollar in the vending machines at school 🤦🏻‍♀🤦🏻‍♀ - the whole underwater interaction at Poseidon's palace? Perfection. Awkward family drama and all - Connor falling out of the tree when he sees Percy because he's so excited 😂😂

- 😭💖

- k, ik Clarisse isn't perfect but tbh if i was a child of Ares whose father was disrespected and hated by my fellow campers (ares deserves it but still) and that disrespect trickled down to how the other campers treated ME (which if Percy is reliable here, it obviously does) then i would also be irritated at being used for muscle and nothing else? And just expected to fight with the people who act as if they'd rather not have Ares kids around the rest of the time. Like Clarisse isn't totally wrong - Percy reading the prophecy, seeing he's meant to die and just being like 'i do not see it' and refusing to outright think about it makes me so sad for him - (but it taints every action after and he's super reckless afterwards bc of it- including finally breaking and accepting the Achilles Curse) - (also him taking this as the last straw and finally beginning to show Annabeth how he really feels, cause fuck it, he's dying anyway) - Give me more info about Rachel's backstory and family Rick!! -  how did i forget Percy willingly eats chocolates that taste like cardboard because 'i didnt have anything against cardboard' like sir? Ik Silena didn't want them but still? - 'she'd always been cute, but she was starting to be seriously beautiful' STOP, MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT - Percy staring at Annabeth and forgetting what they're talking about cause hes so distracted 👌🏻

- hmm yeah... For some strange reason.... - i forgot how Percy totally bombs this convo bw them and now want to cry 😭 Annabeth is trying to talk about what's important and Percy, you sweet oblivious man, you're shooting her down without even realizing - love that they're both on the same wavelength tho. Percy two lines before, hmm it's cool to date ppl from other cabins, wonder why im thinking that around Annabeth, my best friend in the world, and then Annabeth a beat later, hmm, let me bring up Silena and Beckendorf and how it's important to be with the people you love when you have the chance, no way Percy will miss this huge hint right? - they're the best - k i honestly forgot Percy full on physically intimidates Leneus like that - luke telling his mom if he ran away the monsters wouldnt get her..i can just imagine luke crying when he says good bye before running away because he thinks it's his fault his mom is like that and he cant take care of and protect her anymore because it's too hard - uh oh now i have angsty pre-lightning thief luke fic inspo... Him, Thalia and Annabeth on the run... The ANGST -  Rick holds absolutely nothing back in this book and i am in pain - HESTIA!! 💖💖🥰 - actual loml - i love that Rick titled this book after her and that he wrote such a great series about the importance of family (biological, found or otherwise) and home, and that he said actually Hestia is the most important bc shes the most humble and keeps the peace and knows when to fight and when to yield and you protect what you love, which is your home - i just... Adore Hestia - Grover! Missed you babes - Hades is so so horrible to Nico, always comparing him to Bianca :/ - but i do love Hades, Persephone and Demeter together they make me laugh - oh god the River Styx - Achilles 🥺 - Annabeth being Percy's lifeline is, and continues to be, A Lot™ - 'my name was Percy Jackson. I reached up and took Annabeth's hand.' LOL Why am i crying? - Like the fact there is no Percy without Annabeth, and that remembering her literally reminded him of who he is in his very soul... It's fine im fine - i won't even get into the parallels of her being his lifeline now and then later when Hera takes his memories but leaves the memory of Annabeth for Percy to fight to get back to (anyone who wants to yell about it with me... Feel free to message) - badass Percy is my fav Percy tbh - him defeating Hades?? Like? Hades is arguably the most powerful god, okay - i feel bad for Nico but if i was Percy I'd do the exact same, Nico, sorry man but this is a high stakes time crunch deal and Nico is literally the only hope of persuading Hades and distracted by his own internal stuff - flashbacks to Luke, Thalia and Annabeth hurt, ow - George and Martha are the best - damn i forgot Hermes full on nearly kills Percy here, yikes - Luke stop cockblocking Percabeth challenge

- i love!! Percy's love for New York!! So much!! - Percy leaving to live in New Rome in HoO is a lie and this is all the proof i need for why - the fact the entire last half of the book is the battle and aftermath... Such great buildup and pacing. All the tricks and twists and battles in this War of Manhattan? I would not take out a thing, Rick, you legend - of course then the final battle in hoo with the gods is what? Two pages? Ugh, don’t talk to me about my hatred for BoO and HoO - 'no detours you two' is still the cutest thing!!! - THE HUNTERS!! Thalia i missed you - good job Percy, you finally spent your sand dollar - Minotaur!! - 'dont i get a kiss for luck? Its kind of a tradition right?' Percy finds out he's gonna die and is out of fucks to give and honestly I support him - also Michael just standing beside these two while they're flirting like umm 👀 👀 while a monster army marches towards them, nbd - Annabeth taking Ethan's knife meant for Percy!!! Cause she just knows his weak spot without him even telling her! They literally invented love - Feral Percy is so scary omg, i love how well Rick incorporates the Achilles Curse in this novel, with the whole heightened weaknesses and stuff ans the parallels to Achilles arrogance being what killed him and Percy's loyalty, fierceness and protective instinct being his own heightened weakness - the fact that Percy is the one who inadvertantly kills Michael Yew tho, I'll never recover from that - the fact Hades offers Maria di Angelo a golden palace by the Styx like how Poseidon offers Sally a palace under the sea tho. Let's talk about that parallel - the entire talk with Prometheus is so so good - not me picturing young Luke hiding in the closet to get away from his mom when she has an 'episode' -i love callbacks in stories and all of the callbacks to the rest of the series in this book make me very happy (medusa, minotaur, the underworld, Rainbow!! My baby!!, Daedalus and more) - Percy summoning a wholeass hurricane against Hyperion - the Party Ponies! They're so chaotic, i love it - Dionysus! 😁 I can't help it, i love him - Percy absolutely losing it when he sees Sally and Paul asleep in the car 🥺 - Rachel telling Percy he's not the hero screws with him so much :( poor bb - although i really really love how Rick wrote this, it's so refreshing to not have one chosen one save the world, but a combination of people - the drakon, Silena and Clarisse make me cry - the Patrochilles references, im not okay - Annabeth giving up on Luke after hearing what he did to Silena and Percy telling her that doesn't make him happy 😭 that whole interaction makes my heart ache - Percy giving Hestia Pandora's pithos 🥺 - and Hades, Nico and the others coming for a final attack is so badass, i love it - listen im glad the og trio were the ones to confront Luke on Olympus but the fact Thalia got so close and then pinned by a statue of HERA makes me so sad. Ik her and Luke were finished and she coped by cutting him off completely and giving up all hope but i would pay money to know what they would have said to each other to say goodbye - Ethan 🥺 - Poseidon joining the fight against Typhon is so cool, such a great scene - 'PEANUT BUTTER!' - Annabeth you brilliant badass you - RIP Luke, you werent great but you werent the worst either - the gods just rolling up seconds too late, wondering wtf happened in Olympus and who the dead body is - the chapter where the Olympians meet and give out rewards is one of my absolute favourites (again i am incensed we didn't get anything like this in HoO) - will Percy turning down immortality ever not make me scream in glee? No? Alright then - Annabeth being relieved like Percy was relieved at the end of Titan's Curse tho - oh Hermes :/ - its so hard reading all this and knowing what comes in HoO... Like it's such a cathartic, earned and mostly happy and peaceful ending and then HoO comes along and undermines it all - aww Rick let Paul see Olympus somehow pls, he deserves it, he killed a dracanae - (i would also love to see it) - Percy being more upset Rachel took his pegasus than her going to Camp and possibly dying, lol, priorities dude - i honestly think that Rick had other ideas for the second Great Prophecy and how things would go down in BoO, cause the prophecy like... Barely applies to BoO, Doors of Death are in book four, and explabations of it is all so unclear when Rick is usually pretty good with that stuff - PERCABETH - lol Percy complaining about privacy when he and Annabeth are caught kissing literally in the middle of the very open and public dining pavilion, okay - BEST UNDERWATER KISS OF ALL TIME - that's it and im a glass case of emotion - very happy to say that this series remains my favourite of all time 💖

 If anyone ever wants to come gush about anything Riordanverse related feel free, because as you can see I have a lot of thoughts about it all

[mobagehelllocal]

“dati” ver i - riddle, leona & azul

 A/N: This piece is something I was meaning to write and post after I open my ask box again... but I thought you all deserved some really good new fluff prompts from me! For this one, please assume that you, the Reader, is different from the actual MC of TWST! 

“Dati” is a pretty difficult word to translate, because it’s just one word but--it can mean so much.  For the sake of this story, you can interpret its meaning as “a long time ago”. 

Inspired by: 

“Dati” by Sam Concepcion, Tippy Dos Santos and Quest. (I encourage you to listen to it OR read the English lyrics.) 

“If You Can Dream” by the Disney Princesses. (I would link both but my posts dont appear if I do that ;u;) 

Please enjoy!

PS: I realized about halfway that I accidentally crafted the narrative for a female reader instead of a more gender neutral one. I do apologize.  PSS: This got so long, apparently I’m over word limit so I had to split it into two parts xD. The next part will come soon! 

Other versions: ver i (this), ver ii (kalim, vil, idia, malleus)

--

"--as you already know. We held a school-wide meeting about the week long exchange program with the all-females private school, Garden Academy. Professors Divus Crewel and Mozus Trein accompanied our delegates to Garden Academy this morning,” Dire Crowley peered at his students through his black mask, “while Professor Mozus Trein stayed with our delegates, Professor Divus Crewel escorted the delegates from Garden Academy to Night Raven College.” 

Excited whispers broke out in the crowd. Crowley cleared his throat once, then again--before everyone settled down. The Headmaster huffed audibly at that. 

“I’ll be using this morning meeting to introduce the delegates,” Crowley turned to the left side of the stage. He motioned at Crewel who was standing back stage with a Garden Academy professor and her students. “Now then, please give a hand for--” 

In the crowd, his eyes widened. 

--

In turn, you were pretty excited too. You had held off telling your friend about you coming to his school because you wanted to surprise him. 

All you girls had been assigned to a particular dorm, not to sleep in--but rather, to experience. Each dorm in NRC (much like GA), had their own unique culture. So, to truly experience the college meant you all needed to immerse yourselves in the different dorms and their cultures. You had to sneakily reconfirm with him what his dorm was, to make sure you got assigned to the correct one. 

And now that you were here...

“Alright ladies,” Professor Radcliffe said kindly, “we will reconvene here at 5PM to return to the dorm Headmaster Crowley so generously set aside for us.” 

“Yes Professor.” Radcliffe eyed all of you girls, before she sighed with an exasperated smile. You were all very excited, and doing very little to hide that. 

“Okay, I know you want to go--but one last thing,” you all let out loud, false and very unladylike groans that Radcliffe ignored. “Remember to be beautiful--” 

“At heart.” you all recited, familiar with your school’s motto.

“Go on then,” Radcliffe finally said, “the dorm heads and their assistants should be waiting outside for all of you.” 

With a cheer, you all parted ways. 

“Trey!” 

Riddle watched with wide eyes, as he saw your familiar form--dressed in the yellow colors of House Cosmos, the House of Optimism--jump straight into Trey’s arms. 

“Hey there.” Trey laughed, and he raised a hand to mess with your hair. 

“Ow! Hey!” you grumbled up at Trey. “If Professor Radcliffe saw me...” you muttered, as you raised a hand to fix your hair. The girls who had followed behind giggled at your expression. 

Riddle could only stare in surprise. 

Oh he remembered you. 

You had been introduced to him through Chenya and Trey during one of the last times he had managed to escape his house during his free time. 

“Chenya! Trey! There you are!” your cheerful voice had rung loud and sweet in the Clover’s Bakery. “I thought we were meeting up at the park--?” you had paused in surprise as you took in the sight of an additional boy with your friends. He flinched, his shoulders rose as he ducked into himself. Were you going to get mad at him for stealing your friends?

“Oh--um, hello!” your surprised expression quickly melted into a friendly smile and you hopped over to sit next to Riddle. He flinched again, and Chenya snickered. 

“Don’t scare him, [Name].” 

“I’m not trying too.” you pouted at Chenya, who only laughed louder in response. 

“Ah [Name]. This is Riddle Rosehearts.” Trey jumped in, “he lives in the house with the roses you like.” 

“Oh!” you brightened up, and he flushed red as you drew even closer to him. “Hi! My name is [Name]. Let’s be friends!”

“I--we just met?” he said, weakly. Chenya laughed again.

“I think you just got rejected, [Name]!” 

“Oh shut it Chenya!” you turned back to him, and beamed. “Silly Riddle, there are no rules when it comes to making friends, you know?” you offered your hand, palms up, to him.

He looked up at Trey, who gave him an encouraging smile. He slowly placed his hand in yours, and mumbled a soft--

“Okay.”  

Riddle never forgot you. 

He never forgot the words you had spoke to him that day. 

He remembered clearly how hurt he was when his mother grew even more strict and didn’t allow him to see his first friends. He remembered being angry at you too--you told him there were no rules when it came to making friends--

‘Then why had mother been so mad at me?’ He remembered thinking. “Was [Name] lying? Maybe there really are rules in making friends?” 

Looking back on it--his anger was misplaced. He had just been sad--caught up in his mother’s expectations. He had suffered so much for her ideals, that a part of him wanted to believe it was real or...

He would’ve given up on Chenya... Trey... and you... for nothing. 

While he had eventually reunited with Trey in Night Raven College, and Chenya (ever the sneaky type) had met him again during breaks in the school year--he had never seen you again. 

He never asked about you. 

Trey or Chenya never mentioned you either. 

He wondered if you had just slipped away from them. 

‘Or maybe you just didn’t want to see me.’ 

He shouldn’t be surprised.

He should’ve expected it.

After all, he’s pretty sure friends can’t be friends if they don’t see each other in years. (His friendships with Trey and Chenya--these were things he felt that he had just recreated.)

“Wait... Riddle?” He flinched as he heard you call his name. He looked up, only to give you a weak smile. 

“Hi [Name].” your eyes widened, you looked up at Trey then back at him before a smile spread across your face. “Riddle!” you cheered happily, as you wrapped your arms around him. He sputtered, and Trey smirked in response.

“It’s been a really long time! How are you?” you pulled back and cupped his cheeks in your soft hands. Riddle immediately felt his face heat up in response to your attention. 

You had always been affectionate--and Riddle, who had been so starved of social connections--never got used to it. He never had the chance to.  

“I’m... okay.” he managed, and he didn’t know how you did it--but your smile somehow brightened even further. 

It was that same sweet smile you would give him when you were children. A smile that made his heart beat fast. 

“That’s good!” you easily laced your fingers together with his, and he felt himself blush harder. 

“You--you aren’t mad?” he stuttered out in response, and you tilted your head at that.

“Why... would I be mad?” 

“Because... I just... stopped being a friend.” he hesitated, worried that if he brought it up--you would remember that he had never tried to contact you. 

“That’s silly Riddle.” you said, “It’s not your fault! My family moved away after you stopped coming to see us--so I wasn’t able to keep in contact with you. I was able to with Trey and Chenya but... neither of them told me they met up with you again.” you tilted your head in the opposite direction. “I’m partly to blame. I didn’t ask about you either, you know?” 

“That is...”

“And who says we stopped being friends? I told you right? There aren’t rules when it comes to making friends. So to me, I never stopped thinking of you as my dear friend.” 

Riddle was overcome with the desire to cry. 

“You don’t want our friendship to end right?” your smiled dimmed slightly. “Or... at least I hope so...”

“No...” his lower lip wobbled, and you leant forward to press your forehead against his. “I’m sorry about back then... it was because...” he hesitated, he wasn’t sure he was ready to tell you everything now--about his mother, about the overblot, about his resolve--

He began to panic, unsure how to go about this. 

“Take your time Riddle.” you told him, eyes soft with affection. “As your friend, I’ll wait until you’re ready to tell me.” 

“Thank you.” His eyes slid shut, and he moved to embrace you in full--which you gladly reciprocated. You let go after a few moments, and smiled at Riddle. The boy shot you a weak smile. You then chose to shoot a glare at your other childhood friend 

“Well then, Trey--you better explain yourself.” you threatened the third year, who raised his hands defensively. 

“I thought it would be a good surprise.” 

“Boo! So you knew I’d be coming here?” 

“I had an idea.” Trey smirked in response to that. You huffed, before you turned back to Riddle with a grin.

“Then, shall we catch up now? I want to know all about Heartslabyul, while I’m here! You’ll tell me, won’t you Riddle?” 

“Yes he will. After all Riddle is the dorm leader for Heartslabyul.” Trey chimed in, and you blinked before you turned back to him.

“Woah! That’s amazing! That’s so cool! As expected of Riddle!” you laughed happily, he blushed again. You easily kept your hand laced with his as he began to tell you more about Night Raven College and the Heartslabyul dorm.

Unconsciously, his hand tightened around yours. 

He was more than thrilled that you two had found each other again. He was determined to make sure that this time--

He would be a better friend to you. 

--

"Prince Leona!” Leona could barely stop the angry growl that came out of his mouth as you came to a stop in front of him. 

‘I should’ve known.’

“You.” he said, his lips curled downward. His ears and tail flicked in an irritated manner. 

“Me.” you leant forward, hand on your hips. “Why so hostile, Prince Leona?” 

“Stop calling me that.” He turned away, his ears twitched in annoyance. Beside him, Ruggie peered up at you curiously. You were a little taller than the hyena, dressed in the pale pink colors of House Peach Blossom--the House of Courage. He noticed that almost all students from Peach Blossom had their magic wands and sword at their waist--including you. 

“How do you know Leona?” Ruggie asked you, since he knew that Leona was likely not going to answer him.

“Oi, Ruggie--” Leona shot him a glare, but you didn’t seem to mind since you interrupted the prince. 

“That’s because he is my Prince.” you said with a grin. 

“What-!?” Ruggie sputtered, while Leona only groaned in response. 

-

“Prince Leona, you really should get up.” Leona’s visible ear twitched at the sound of your voice. He buried his head stubbornly into his pillow. “Come on, you have class soon!” 

Ever since you had arrived here, and essentially received permission to enter the Savanaclaw dorm--not even the dorm members could stop you from barging into Leona’s room. He had ordered them earlier to get in your way--not to beat you (he knew exactly how strong you were) but if there was one thing he could attempt to do--it was to delay you as much as possible. 

However...

“That’s because he is my Prince.” you had said with a grin. Ruggie sputtered, and Leona groaned.

“She’s a member of Afterglow Savanna’s Royal Guard.” Leona had to explain through gritted teeth. 

“Yes, hence why he is my Prince.” You say with such blind honesty and devotion that Leona could barely look. He chose to avert his gaze instead, his tail flickered in embarrassment. 

As someone who had trained to be a part of the Royal Guard since your youth--the students of Savanaclaw were no match for you. You had easily wrestled them all to defeat. Once his dorm members realized that there was simply no beating you, they had all given up (their prides were badly bruised at it was already)--and Leona had mourned the fact that none of them were willing to buy him time to sleep in. 

‘What a bunch of dorm members really...’ he grumbled to himself. ‘Not willing to help their dorm leader...’ he thought, sarcastically. 

“Come on my Prince,” you said in a soft tone, despite the fact you were basically engaging Leona in a tug of war with his blanket. “You have to go to class.” 

“Do you have any idea how surprised my classmates and professors are, now that I’m actually coming to class?” he grumbled. 

“Then I’m doing my job right.” you said in a very matter-of-fact tone. He lifted his head to shoot a glare at you. “You are a Prince of Afterglow Savanna! You must--” 

“Don’t talk to me about crap like that.” he hissed. “Did the King and Queen put you up to his? Perhaps the First Prince? Is my position in the school making trouble for the royal family? So much so they sent you--?” 

“Prince Leona, that is not true!” You frowned, “your family is just concerned--”   

“And where was this concern when they could hear the people talk about me behind my back?” he growled as he grabbed your arm, and you yelped in surprise. “Back then they weren’t there but--” 

‘I had you. You were the only who saw me and now you--’

‘Are you choosing them over me?’ 

‘Are you... just going to chose them... like everyone else?’ 

Leona’s heart twisted, and he ignored it to focus on his anger instead.

“Le--my Prince that’s--” 

“Stop calling me that!” He snarled, “You’re just doing this for Farena, aren’t you? If you do your task well, maybe he’ll notice you and make you his second wife? Wouldn’t you--” 

Smack.

“You... you think I chose to be a part of the Royal Guard... for Prince Farena?” 

He turned back to you, alarmed. In all the time he had known you--you had never sounded like that.

Your lips were twisted downward in a frown, the hand that had slapped him was now tenderly holding onto the forearm that he had squeezed earlier in his own hand. He could see that your skin had reddened from his tight hold. 

“A... are you an idiot?” you moved your hand onto your chest as your lower lip trembled. “I joined the guard for you, Leona. I joined because I believed in you, in Leona Kingscholar. Whatever role you might yet play—I believed in you! In your intelligence, in your capacity to understand people! I wanted to be there with you! I wanted to fight for what you believe in—because I believed in you.” You stepped back, and his mouth parted open in surprise.

“How could you say that? How could you even think that?” you asked him in a hoarse voice, “There’s no one I wanted to support as much as--as much as I wanted to support you. I--I always knew you were amazing Leona. I was only ever looking at you.” you sniffed, your eyes wet with tears. 

Leona realized that he was just about to loose the one person who ever acknowledged him.

“[Name]--” when he reached a hand out, you flinched, and he felt himself pale. 

When everyone else had flinched away from his powers...

You had always been the one who had--unfailingly--grabbed onto his hand without fear. 

“[Name]... I’m...” 

‘Come on--set your pride aside and apologize.’ he couldn’t help but hiss at himself. 

“I’m...” 

“You don’t have to say it Prince Leona.” you said, voice thick with emotions. “Your tail is giving it away.” At that statement, he shot you a weak glare as he stilled his tail. 

“How’d you know?” he asked. You looked up at him with an incredulous stare. 

“You were never good at saying sorry.” you muttered underneath your breath. “So I just figured it out from the way you acted around me.” you inhaled sharply, “just give me a moment... and I’ll be okay.” 

‘You... why...’ his fist clenched unconsciously. ‘Why do you have to understand me so well?’ He studied the way you ducked your head, the way you steadied your breath. ‘All that time you watched me... I... I know that what you’ve always wanted was an apology but--but I’ve always just taken all your forgiveness without trying harder.’

‘I don’t deserve you, do I? What have I done? That you--powerful, strong, fierce as you are--why have I let you think you don’t deserve an apology? Why have I let you think that it was okay for me to--not apologize?’ 

‘This is why I’m going to lose you.’ 

You always came to me... I--’

‘I never met you halfway.’ 

“I’m sorry.” your head shot up in response, and though you could tell from Leona’s expression that he’d rather be doing anything but this--he opened his mouth again. “I’m sorry [Name]... you got stuck with a selfish friend.” 

He began to panic inwardly when the sniffling that you had managed to calm down--rose again. 

However--you weren’t crying because you were sad--you were crying because you were happy.

All this time--a cruel whisper in the back of your head insisted you were the only one who cared about your relationship. Around you--people doubted your friendship with Leona. 

You tried--you did your best to ignore it, but sometimes in your lowest moments--it consumed you.

And Leona--unknowing, but effortlessly good and perfect as he was to you--always kept you afloat. 

He had been watching you too. 

Keeping an eye out. 

Looking on at you with some form of care--and dare you hope--love.

Because he had known that even if you told him you were okay--that you actually weren’t. That you wanted him to say sorry even if you pretended that you were used to it. 

“[Name]?” Leona was knelt in front of you--and you belatedly realized that you had slid to the ground. He studied your face, and hesitated to touch you after earlier. 

Kind. Understanding. Smart.

If people would just acknowledge Leona--they would see what you could see.

This is the king I know he is, the king I see inside. 

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. Give me a minute.” 

“When you get emotional, it doesn’t take you a minute.” he grumbled, but it was gentle, and your heart warmed as you recognized once more how much he knew you.

“Acting like a know-it-all already, huh, Prince Leona?” he winced at that.

“Why do you keep calling me that anyways?” he moved a hand to rub the back of his neck. “I don’t... like it.” 

“Because you are one, and my position in the guard...” 

“But not... not when it’s just the two of us.” he mumbled, and you blinked in surprise. “I want... I want you to remember that--when I’m with you I’m... I’m just Leona. To you I--I shouldn’t be a royal or a prince first I’m... I’m your friend.” You could feel your cheeks heat up at his statement. 

“Have you gotten sappy, my Prince?” you said--suddenly as you tried to change the mood. It was embarrassing. He bristled in response.  

“[Name].” he growled low, and you giggled. His heart eased at the sight of your smiling visage.

‘Good. I never want to see you cry again. If you were to cry then--let them be happy tears only.’ 

“Alright then... my friend... Leona.” your smile widened.

‘I have a lot to do. I have a lot to make up.’ he thought, but as he sees you smile at him--he knew that you were always going to be worth the effort. 

‘And perhaps one day you can simply be mine... and I can be solely just yours.’ 

--

“Azul!” you waved happily as the octopus mermaid groaned, and held his temples in his hands. A step behind him, Jade chuckled. 

“Why... why are you here?”

“Aww, did you not want to see me?” you peered at him. You were dressed in the brilliant orange colors of House Hibiscus--the House of Tenacity--which, to his mind, suited you very well. 

“You’re just here to embarrass me.” Azul groaned, and you smirked. 

“I can’t help it, especially when you pretend to act so cool.” 

“I hate you. I want my octopus pot.” He groaned into his hand. 

“I love you too~” His face flushed red at that, and your heart skipped a beat at how adorable he was. 

-

You remembered it like it was yesterday. 

You had gone out to the beach, your toes dipped into the water as you gazed out toward the expanse of the ocean as the morning sky cleared. You sighed--there was nothing more beautiful that the ocean at sunrise. (You didn’t know how your younger self did it, but you were often able to wake up early just to see the sight.) 

Then, all of a sudden, one of your toes was nibbled on. You blinked in surprise then looked down to see a little fish nibble on your toe. When it noticed it had your attention, it began to swim around in a circle, before going off into a certain direction. You just stared at it for awhile, until it suddenly came back and bit your toe as hard as it could--before attempting to pull you off into a certain direction.

“Oh! Ah--but my grandmother isn’t with me.” you told the fish sadly, “I can’t just use my magic to explore without her...” The fish only became more panicked, and you quickly got the gist of what she might be worried about.

“What? There’s a merman stuck in some nets?” you hesitated for a moment. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, and you had a dagger with you for moments like this--but you really shouldn’t be going swimming unsupervised...

“Alright, I’ll come, but we can’t spend too much time or I might blot...” you stood up, and closed your eyes. 

“[I am the Ocean].” You whispered, and in the next second you dove deep into the water. 

Your affinity with water magic was obvious because of your lineage. Your unique magic was different in that it allowed you to turn your whole body into water. At a young age, it was impressed upon you how important it was that you learnt your limits and refined your control. Not only were you battling against overblot, but you were also battling with the possibility that you might accidentally disperse yourself into the water, and be unable to turn back. 

You trained as much as you can, so at that point you had been able to maintain your magic for a couple of minutes.

Because your whole body turned into water, you were nearly invisible underwater--the only clue that you were there was because your clothes were still on you. 

You followed after the fish, and she took you past the reef, into a deeper part of the ocean that you hadn’t explored before. 

“--Hngh!” you heard a loud, crying sound and you immediately began to swim faster. 

“Admit it Azul,” the voice seemed to be talking to himself. “no one is going to come save you. Even the fish from earlier just turned on it’s tail and swam away...” As you turned the corner, you caught sight of an octopus mermaid--who looked about your age--caught up in a large net. 

“Huh? You’re back?” the octopus mermaid moved underneath the netting once he caught sight of the fish, then he scampered back once he saw your floating clothes. “Wha--what the? Did you bring a ghost to kill me?” the mermaid wailed, and you would’ve giggled if you could. You swam closer, and pulled the knife from your thigh. The octopus mermaid screamed in response, and moved away in a frantic manner--only to get tangled in the nets further. 

“You really want me dead?” the mermaid cried. 

You shot a desperate look at the fish, who began to chirp at the merman. 

“Huh? It’s a person?” the mermaid turned his head, his violet eyes squinted. “she can turn into water...?” you moved your hands into an ‘okay’ sign, but judging from the way his gaze didn’t move meant that he probably couldn’t see it. “So she’s going to use the dagger to cut me out...?”

You decided to reach forward for one of his hands. He originally flinched, but he let you lace your fingers around his. You tightened your hold briefly, and hoped that it was enough. 

‘I won’t hurt you. Not now, not ever.’ 

“T-Thank you.” he mumbled out, and you couldn’t help but smile. You then let go of his hand and began to cut through the rope. 

‘I hope I have enough magic to last...’ 

As you cut through the last of the ropes, you could feel the way your magic flickered. There’s a sudden gasp from the mermaid, and you realized that your hands were now visible. You clenched your jaw tightly, one of the ropes was particularly difficult, and the mermaid called out worriedly.

“Hey--will you be okay?” you ignored him as you worked through the last ropes, even if your vision dimmed. As you finally freed him, your hands shook, and your mouth slipped open. You gulped in a lot of water, and began to panic--and so does the mermaid.

“Oh no! Why--?” the mermaid cried, “what do I do?” you hear him ask the fish as you lose your consciousness. You felt his arms wrapped around yours as he tried to propel himself up to the surface.

“Come on Azul, you need to be fast for once!” 

-

"So, I definitely get a free meal, right?” you peered at Azul. “Best friend perks, right?” 

“... Fine.” Azul grudgingly said. You were--perhaps--one of the only people who Azul couldn’t say no to. You cheered happily in response, as your classmates called you out for being unfair. 

He couldn’t help the fond smile that grows on his face as you laughed happily. 

That day that you saved him--almost at the cost of your life too!--despite not knowing who he was...

Then the way you stuck around and befriended him, long before he had found any confidence in himself...

That you had seen him--at what he considered--was his most terrible state and thought nothing of it...

‘My debt to you is greater than even the ocean.’ he thought, however unlike any other time when thinking of his debts made him feel terrible--he was only filled with the desire to make sure he paid you back properly for all your kindness.

He had once told you about how much he owed you, but you dismissed it immediately.

‘Azul, you’re my oldest and best friend.’ you had told him, sincerity shimmered in the depths of your eyes. ‘You don’t owe me anything--besides back then, you saved me too, yeah?’  

You would have to agree to disagree.

Even if he had saved your life too--it could not compare to how you saved him.

You had no idea how much you actually saved him... how much your friendship meant to him.

-

Azul could feel his tears stream down his face as managed to get you onto the beach of the island that the fish said was your home.

“Stupid Azul.” he frantically murmured to himself, “of course you managed to hurt the one person who cared to save you.” When he leant closer, he couldn’t tell if you were breathing or not and he was beginning to panic. 

“Oh no, oh no oh no.” He sobbed loudly. “Please don’t die. Please don’t die. I don’t even know your name. I want to be your friend. I’ve never had a friend before--what do I do?” he cried. He heard irritated chirps, and when he turned his head, he noticed that the fish from earlier had followed him. 

“Shake her.” the fish said. He did so, but you didn’t respond. “Tilt her chin and head back.” He did, and he heard you sputter, as water escape your mouth. You began to cough roughly, and you wearily opened your eyes to meet Azul’s. 

“You... saved me...” you wheezed.

“Of course I did!” Azul wailed, “you saved me!” 

You let out a laugh, before you began to cough again. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, give... me a moment...” you wheezed. He gave you a moment to breath, his tentacles curled around him nervously. 

“Well, that was an experience.”

“Please don’t shake it off just like that.” he whimpered, “that was traumatizing.” 

“Yeah sorry. I didn’t mean it.” you said with a wince. “... So what do we do now?” 

“I... I don’t know.” Azul confessed. 

“Then... shall we be friends?”

“R-really? You want to be friends with a useless octopus?”

“I’d love to be friends with you.” you frowned at him, “and you’re not useless. You saved my life. You couldn’t have done that if you were useless.” Azul wanted to argue, but you quickly moved on. 

“So what’s your name?” you asked him.

“A-Azul... Azul Ashengrotto.” 

“I’m [Name] [Surname].” you smiled as you stuck your hand out, pinky extended. “Let’s be friends for life Azul!” 

He looked at your hand then back up at your face. 

“What am I supposed to do?” he asked.

“You stick your pinky out, and...” you twisted your pinky with his, and his face flushed red at the sensation of your skin against his. Earlier, it had just felt like holding hands with a current moving the opposite way of the ocean...but your hand was warm. “Like this. We make a promise we can’t break!” 

“What promise?” he gulped, and you only giggled. His face reddened in response. Your giggle was cute.

“That we’ll be friends for life Azul!” 

“I... I’d like that...” he giggled too, and you beamed brightly.

“Azul, you’re finally smiling!” 

-

You leant your cheek against your palm as you watch Azul run Mostro Lounge. 

“Oh? You look deep in thought.” Your eyes flickered up to meet Jade’s eyes. 

“Hm. Just thinking about how much Azul has changed.” you said, a proud smile spread on your face. “I’m... really happy for him. I think he’s found the pace he should go at...and look at him do so well.” Jade turned to Azul, and saw him bark orders at a huffing Floyd. His lips curled up in response.

“Yes. He truly has changed a lot.” Azul turned his head to see the two of you eyeing him with identical smiles. His brow twitched lightly, before he approached you two.

“Jade, I need you on Table Eight.” Jade bowed elegantly, and shot you a quick wink before he walked off. 

“What were you talking about?”

“Just how amazing you are.” you said so nonchalantly, and gleefully watched his face turn red. 

“Y--you!” He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Please do not lie.” You giggled in response, before you gestured for him. to sit beside you. Azul did so and as he turned to you--you gave him a gentle smile. This time when he blushed, it reached his ears.

“I wasn’t lying Azul... I’m really happy for you. As someone whose watched you for a long time... I’m happy for how much you’ve grown. It makes me proud of you.” you sighed as you laced your fingers, “it makes me feel like you don’t need to rely on me anymore... It’s a little sad.”

“No.” he replied quickly, and you looked up surprised. Azul wasn’t meeting your gaze, but you could see his pale skin turn a bright crimson. 

“I will always rely on you.” he met your gaze, “knowing that your eyes are on me... It makes me want to keep improving.” Your eyes widened, before they softened once more.

“Mhm. Then I’ll keep on being someone you can rely on.” You raise your pinky, and with a soft laugh he raised his hand to link his pinky with yours. 

“Promise?”

“Promise.” 

--

Extra A/N:

So... I had fun with this. I thought it would be much more interesting if I mixed and matched up the princesses and villains. 

Honestly, I genuinely got super into making the Garden Academy. I debated whether or not to include Alice, Nala, Megara, Anna and Elsa--but I chose not to. THOUGH I did end up giving them House Names and values haha. In the end, I settled with the Twelve Disney Princesses. Here’s a link to some notes I have for the Garden Academy and it’s houses! 

[zhuhongs]

Upon rereading tgcf, one of the biggest complaints I have is how lackluster all the extra chapters were. literally none of them were good and all contained rlly gross and harmful sentiments (like the amnesia one which.. yea.. or all the things implying xl should get pregnant for hc thus equating gay relationships with hetero ones and playing into the wife thing and just GOD I HATE MXTX) 

There were a lot of little plot points i wish that had been further elaborated on more in the extras as opposed to hualian being ... like that. I had enough. Like mdzs had actaully good extras (minus the incense burners) that were nice side stories that elaborated more on the characters. Like the hook one with the juniors was so cute and i loved seeing them grow more. Or the lotus pod extras omg.. im such a lotus pod extra stan. those were so cute and gave us a lot of good insight into just how lovestruck lwj was during the times when he didn’t see wwx. mxtx should've stuck to those sorta extras in tgcf but NOOO. SO I have a list of so many other more interesting things those chapters couldve been spent on like:

A resolution on He Xuan’s revenge and his character arc. Bc its implied He Xuan is still hanging out and watching over sqx and that taking revenge didn’t fully satisfy him bc ok.. yea shi wudu is dead but he xuans family will never come back. Now what does he have to live for?? i wish we couldve seen a look into his life during the entire ordeal. like a chapter from his perspective while he was posing as Ming Yi  and maybe a look at a conversation btw he xuan and the real ming yi or a chapter after SQX was banished to see what he’s doing now. Also what did he xuan owe hua cheng money for anyways?? Like ik not every little thing has to be explained but I Want to Know. PLEASE more goth boyfriend content now I just wanna see him :,((

a better resolution of yin yu and quan yizhens storyline. im still mad abt how that plot point was split btw books 3 and 5  when it was rlly out of place and  there were other more pressing plot matters and it just rlly deserved more time. Also i thought yin yu died!?!?!? but apparently one of the extras says he’s alive and man... i;m not reading any more of the extras to see that, give me a full yin yu and quan yizhen chapter.. fuck.

a day in the life of the guoshi fangxin or general hua PLEASE especially like one where hua cheng was SO CLOSE to meeting xie lian but had no clue that xie lian was there at the time but the two did smth that inadvertantly helped the other and they still were connected even though they hadnt met omg pls that’d be so nice. like imagine Hua cheng catching a glimpse of the guoshi in public in yong’an while he’s trying to follow some lead that points to xie lian or maybe following a lead to capture qi rong bc he said he knew qi rong was a part of the yong’an stuff and originally thought the guoshi was one of qi rongs pawns. like can you IMAGINE him getting so close. but at the last second he did smth small that impacted xie lian. like they bumped into eachother on the street or smth. god i’d go crazy

OR vice versa.. like a day in the life of the young ghost king hua cheng. Like again, one of my biggest issues was that hua cheng just knew everything and its never really explained how he got all of that info. like yes he’s been alive very long and has eyes and ppl working for him everywhere but like... how did he build that network?? I’d love to see a chapter of young ghost king hua cheng travelling around trying to learn as much as he can abt the world and how it can help bring him to xie lian. and the two maybe are in the same kingdom for a bit and they don’t meet exactly but hua cheng stops some fight or something and helps xie lian indirectly or maybe xie lian is performing on the street in some costume and hua cheng doesn’t recognize him and smiles and gives him a coin or smth. idk i’m just dying for any sorta extra chapter or fic like that. i’m honestly so tempted to write my own but i cant write

also!! we’ve seen how xie lian picks up people down on their luck near him and show them kindness (like banyue, lang ying, xiao ying, he tried to with san lang but we know how that ended lmao) so i’d love to see another little vignette of him doing that on his travels and how every person he meets teaches him smth about life and being a good person and idk, i just think it’d be rlly sweet. i love this facet of his character and feel like we didn’t see enough of it towards the end.

ALSO hua cheng only seems to respect one heavenly official besides xie lian and thats yushi huang.. i assume thats mostly bc she was the only one to help xie lian and let him use the rain master hat to bring water to yong’an. I was thinking maybe when he was a new supreme he had run into trouble and maybe was picked up by the rain master and helped him heal and in return he promised to help protect her village from harm in the future. Like i know a heavenly official wouldn’t cooperate with a ghost like that but yushi huang is different and doesn’t really care about the heavens so i think she would protect him if he could do something to benefit her village. ik this is kinda far fetched but when he first became a supreme I’m sure a bunch of ppl probably tried to mess with him and didn’t rlly believe him to be undefeatable bc he hadn’t proved himself yet also i doubt all his power came overnight. he had to learn how to use it once he escaped the kiln. and some group probably thought they could weaken him somehow. I’m thinking maybe a rlly well formed group of ghosts actually caught him off guard once and he had to retreat and was picked up by the rain master and stayed with her and learned from her a bit. i think it’d be a cool concept also i just rlly want more yushi huang content and i’m on their friendship agenda bc he rlly did seem to actually respect her when she first appeared and i think it’d be cool if the two had some history together.

Also idrc if this was addressed I couldve missed it But!! Did xie lian ever tell Hua cheng that the reason he got the curse shackles and was banished again in the first place wasnt bc jun wu wanted to punish him, but because he requested it. And specifically requested it bc he felt guilty abt letting wu ming take the human face disease and disperse for his sake. So he took the shackles and descended to atone for that?? Bc I dont recall hua cheng learning that bc his soul was already dispersed at that point so it didnt follow him and xie lian didnt say anything so uhhh... someone should tell hua cheng that. Like I dont think xie lian rlly said how much hua cheng meant to him and didnt show him he was loved in grand ways. Like xie lian did always care for bc in other ways but I think if hua cheng learned abt this on screen it wouldve been such a great moment and I'm rlly surprised mxtx didnt address this iirc!?!? Like imagine jun wu telling Hua cheng this in the kiln bc xie lian wouldnt say it himself. Imagine how cool that would be.

Also a small thing adding into the whole young ghost king Hua cheng stuff. Its implied and p much stated that hua cheng isnt his real name. That he likely doesnt have a real name bc his parents died? (It's not clear. I'm still mad at mxtx for not making his childhood clearer). So I'd like to see when and why hua cheng chose that name for himself. The new tgcf ending song kinda hints at its meaning with the lyrics "for you I'd fill a city of flowers" as xie lian is the flower wielding martial god so it's probably inspired by that. Also xie lian saved hua cheng from leaping off the city walls but I'd love to hear him say it bc the implication of his name didnt dawn on me for quite a bit and I dont know if everyone made the connection. Again I sure as hell didnt. So itd be cool to see a chapter that takes place in his past after just ascending as a supreme

Overall I rlly think tgcf had a lot more potential to be even better and a lot of that comes down to fleshing out the side characters and letting hualian have more of a storyline independent of one another. like i know the appeal and message of tgcf is that through love, people can overcome anything, but fuck man. i just wanna see what these two (mostly hua cheng) where like in the absence of each others presence. Part of what I really liked abt mdzs is that we got to see that longing develop btw wangxian when the two weren’t together and how they thought about each other and did things in thei others spirit bc they knew the other wouldve done the same thing. but whatever, mxtx was too consumed by her own unhealthy idea of what devotion and true love looks like but still. i rlly think the extras couldve helped the story be better rather than be fujoshi fuel that i try to bleach from my mind -_-

[hopeless-starry-kingdom]

You are the Cause of my Euphoria │Draco  Malfoy

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Summary:Draco is the cause of your Euphoria but to get to your euphoria there is heartbreak

tw:toxic relationship,cursing,and mentions of sexual acts

!!!!!!I AM NOT ROMANTICIZING TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS.I AM TAKING A SCENE FROM EUPHORIA AND TURNING IT INTO MY OWN LITTE REMAKE.PLEASE DONT THINK THAT I AM ROMANTICIZING THIS FORM OF RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!

“First of all, ew. Second of all, ew.”You said as you watched Draco grope Pansy Parkinson from her ass as they danced. He was taunting you. Playing his little game he always did when you two get into a fight. Letting Pansy hang all over him but this time it was more extreme. The Yule Ball lights danced off you and the platinum blond as you stared each other down. It seemed you were the only two in the room full of wizards and witches.

The argument in question took place a week ago when Draco seen Cedric Diggory walking you to Potions. Cedric was a good friend and also sat next to you in class. He was asking for help on one of the recent assignments and since you were so good at Potions, you of course helped him. Draco had always been the jealous type. He didn’t like the stares you got from boys in all houses when you walked down the halls together. He’d pull you extra close. He didn’t like that some of them were bold enough to float a note or two asking you out or telling you how pretty you looked that day.

So when Ron, knowing Draco’s jealous tendencies and wanted to piss him off, called out to you. He told you how gorgeous you looked in a skirt. This sent Draco into a rage and turned the poor red head into a Weasel. You yelled at Draco and told him to turn him back and that it wasn’t necessary.

But you also had a small green monster in you. You didn’t mind when Draco got attention from the other girls. It only irked you when Pansy couldn’t keep her slimy hands off him and wouldn’t stop praising the ground he walked on. So you set her robes on fire when you and Draco had gotten into another one of your “splittings”. That’s what everyone at school called it. The splitting happened after every argument and one of you would end up walking away and saying how done you were with the others antics and it was over.

Sometimes the fights were over small things. Like the way Draco would kiss you hungrily when he knew people were looking. And sometimes big things, like the way Draco’s father would treat him and your guys’ relationship.

But that was the thing about your relationship, you loved each other to the ends of the earth, you would say. In an argument with you mother to defend him when you brought him over for Christmas, you told her that you’d kill for him and he’d do the same for you. And it was true.

There was no one else that you could picture the rest of your life with. It will always be Draco. Sure your friends and others would say its a bit toxic, with all the arguments and plotting against each other. Maybe it was just the Slytherin in both of you. But after your screaming match about what happened last week with Cedric, you knew he was in the wrong for getting wrongfully jealous and the way he was dancing with Parkinson, all you saw was red.

You glared are the couple as Pansy danced with him and he sent you a sly look.

“Y/N..” You friend warned at the table your group sat at. None of you had dates. Sure people asked you once they heard about yours and Draco’s splitting (because no one dared to ask you while you were actually with him. They were all scared). But you didn’t want to go around prancing with a new guy like you usually did. You actually wanted to solve the problem this time. But Draco had another idea.

Draco smirked at you as your death glare continued.

“Y/N, don’t.” Another friend warned as you got the same look of revenge on your face. What set you off was the way Draco had turned her and began to run his hands along her stomach “Y/N, don’t do—”

“Fuck this.” You snapped before Hermione could finish and stood up, looking to find someone to dance with. You seen Blaise sitting with his friends and approached.

“Do you know how to dance?” You asked and Blaise looked at you ,surprised. Him and Draco were friends and you knew that it would piss him off, royally. When he stared behind you, you knew he was looking at Draco. You huffed when you knew he was going to deny your request so you left to find Cedric.

Which wasn’t hard becuase he was always surrounded by people. You grabbed his hand and said “Let’s dance.” Thats all that it took for him as his friends gave him wolf whistles as you dragged him deeper into the dance floor and past Draco. He had stopped his dancing as he stared at Cedric gripping your hips and swaying with you. You turned and started to rub your back onto his front while rubbing your hands down your dress clad body. Draco glared at you and you only tilted your lips up before taking your hands and rubbing them up Cedric’s side of his head.

“I guarantee you Y/N and Draco are going to get married.” Hermione said as she sat down at the table and watched the scene unfold “They’ll probably divorce like three times and in some strange way live a pretty happy life.” Your friend added.

“Yeah.” Harry agreed, then Ron, and then everyone at your table was nodding their head.

Back on the dance floor, the music was becoming more upbeat and you upped your antics. Your moves becoming more sultry and seductive and it had Cedric blushing but had Draco fuming. He tried to match your heated moves but eventually gave up once he seen Cedric whisper something in your ear and you smirked. He dropped his hands from Pansy and marched outside for a breather. You saw that he was now gone and Pansy was left confused, alone, and quite embarrassed in the middle of the dance floor.

You rolled your eyes and turned to Cedric, “Nice moves. I’m going to go sit down now.” You gave him a smile but before you could leave he caught your arm.

“Do I have a chance with you? Or is it always going to be Malfoy?” You sighed as a lump formed in your throat. You truly didn’t want to lead Cedric on, he was a good guy with a kind soul. But he was right, it was always going to be Draco.

“I never wanted to mislead you,Ced. Honestly. It’s just me and Dray—”

“It’s complicated and you have history. It’s fine. I understand. My advice?Stop trying to one up one another. It’s not healthy and frankly not good for either of your mental health.” You laughed because of course Cedric would be giving you life advice in the middle of a school dance.

“Thank you,Ced. I’ll try.” You smiled at him before walking back to your table.

“Well that was quite a show. Is it my turn?” Everyone glared at Ron and Hermione punched him in the shoulder “Ow!”

“Whatever. I just want to go back to our dorms. Tonight was absolute shit.” Everyone sighed and agreed but then Harry spoke,

“Uh, Malfoy’s heading this way.” Everyone but you straightened out as he approached.

“What do you—”

“Shove it,Weasel.” Draco cut Ron off and you glared at him. Draco always found it a mystery how you managed to become friends with the Golden Trio, considering they were from a different house and different status. You had taught him that though they may be different from him and you, they weren’t different at all. Houses shouldn’t matter, the blood that ran through their veins shouldn’t matter. It did take him awhile to realize where you were coming from and what you meant but you were right, and he realized his mistakes and apologized to them. But that didn’t mean they still didn’t irk him to a certain extent.

“Y/N get up.” He demanded and you rolled your eyes with a scoff “No.” You didn’t like how he spoke to you sometimes either. Like his father to his mother.

“Just get up.”

“Why?”

“Can you stop being so bloody difficult and come dance with me?” He hissed and everyone looked around the table at eachother.

“Why would I dance with you?”

“Becuase it’s a fucking slow song.Come on get up.”

“Piss off, Malfoy.She doesn’t want to go with you. End of story.” Harry stood and tried to defend you and you smiled at him but looked back at Draco.

“You’re despicable. But fine i’ll dance with you.” You gave in and stood. Grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the other teens who were slow dancing.

He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close to him. Your hands snaked around his waist as well and you layed your head on his chest as the song played.

“Sometimes I hate you.” You whispered

“I know.” He replied

“You’re cruel, psychotic, and a jealous freak. And sometimes I don’t like the way you make me feel.” You admitted and your voice cracked as tears began to well in your eyes and cause your throat to tighten. The same thing happened with Draco.

He was trying to get better at this. He didn’t want you to fell like there was no love in the relationship. He did love you. You were the light of his life. You were his patronus. He didn’t mean to get overly jealous or possessive but he just wanted you to himself and he couldn’t bare the thought of someone else being with you the way he is. It physically hurt to watch you walk away from the numerous breaks you two had. He didn’t want this anymore. He didn’t want to break your heart anymore than he already has. He wanted to give you unconditional love all the time, no more jealous kisses or possessive grabs. He swore to himself that after seeing you with Cedric.

You sniffled, “It’s not good for us.”

“I know.”And just as he was about to apologize and swear to you, one last time you spoke “And I know that I’m not the best girlfriend either and Im sorry but maybe we shouldn’t be together.” You hiccuped and Draco shook his head at the thought of you not being in his life. He gently pulled back and intertwined your hands “I love you.”

“Me too...But I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. We both deserve better.” You replied and everyone was unaware of the conversation going on, they payed no mine to the couple and the relationship being torn down.

“I don't want anyone else, Y/N. Im sorry, we’ll fix this. We always do, darling.”He cupped the side of your face and rested his forehead against yours. You raised your hands and gripped the back of his platinum locks and brought his lips to yours. You knew that fixing the issue would only lead back to where you stood now. So you pulled back from his lips, him chasing yours as you stared up at him with teary eyes

“I’ll see you around,Dray.” And then you walked away. Away from the boy you loved but also away from constant heartbreak.

[lavendersage]

i saw that post from the girl who's girlfriend isn't quite ready to be out. if ur blog didnt seem to celebrate love of all kinds (and i'm not talking straight vs gay, i'm talking happy vs sad) i would have kept this to myself, but between ur response and the op's story itself, i think im going to take this chance of sharing a burden on my heart, maybe to help someone else, or just for the shot at becoming at peace with it. a couple weeks ago, when u asked for everyone to send u stories of their lovers, i wrote most of this out but didnt send it.

i (21F) am a college student (god, is this reddit?). my entire life, i have cultivated the cleanest good girl image that i could. my parents sacrificed so much for my sister and i to grow up far more comfortable then they did, so i have tried to honor them with a little golden child they could brag about. straight As, never missed school, did community service, perfect SATs. i worked tirelessly to be on-paper perfect.

one of the reasons i've worked so hard to earn Good Noodle Stars is to make up for the fact that i am terminally homosexual. i realized real early that i could literally cure cancer and the first comment on the news video will be, "okay, she cured cancer, but at least I'm not gay like she is." i could raise thousands for charity, and my aunts would still say, "our kids may not get off the couch but at least they have sex correctly." so they dont know. few people do, none outside my closest circle.

in walks Mars(21NB). Mars is an anachronism. they are both a romantic with and without a capital R. be still my Dark Academia heart.

we got very close before school broke for Covid. Mars wrote me a letter every other week, encrypted and folded so that the only way to open them was to rip a paper seam that would show if someone had tampered with it. it was intoxicating. it was the first time i felt able to communicate freely about anything. i dont know - i didnt hold back my emotions, emboldened by writing in cipher. i spent all summer waiting for those red sealed envelopes, filled with stories and poetry and honeyed nonsense, and i refused to not respond with mirrored passion.

it was all great until it set in that I was going to have to face Mars again, in person. i prayed our school would decide all students had to stay remote. of course I wanted to see Mars, i want to do much more than just see them, but i knew it would only be a matter of time between us being reunited and them asking me out.

this was a person who crafted a puzzle where the answers were flowers that were a declaration of fidelity in Victorian Flower Language. of course i ate that up with a spoon. u would have too. listen, i know all aesthetics are fads and all fads age badly, but if the cottagecore girls get to learn to sew and bake and grow, i owe dark academia for teaching me the vocabulary and actions of my most treasured relationship yet, and giving me permission to be earnest and vulnerable in this life for 10 goddamn minutes. Mars is handsome and a genius and i was not used to feeling connected to anyone. but for all that joy, i was also drowning with the thought of having to break their heart by explaining i cant date anyone AFAB.

so the semester starts. Mars asks me over for a homecooked meal since restaurants don't exist here at the end of the world. they made me a beautiful dinner with all my dietary needs in mind. just like everything else i ate it up. and i made no effort to stop them from inviting me over for food and conversation again and again and a fourth time just to make sure it really hurt.

they kissed me after the last dinner. and I kissed them back, before stopping. they apologized for moving too quickly, but i explained that they had moved at the perfect pace, just with the wrong person.

there is no nice ending to this. it's real life. Mars took it as a breakup and didnt reach out to me again. i sobbed from halloween to christmas, i swear. i'm the villain in this story.

i started this post off as a sign of solidarity to the other young lady, but now im realizing that this letter would be better read by her fearful beloved, not her. it is 4am where i live, so i apologize if this has all gotten away from me.

love is a garden u have to water yourself. ngl, my favorite part about this blog is all the posts about learning to love yourself, learning to see ur intrinsic value dispite the core facets of u that have been deemed flaws, and trust the relationship between me, myself, and i.

i started out telling myself i was writing this to help the high school kid, but i havent shared this with anyone. writing this out has helped me process a thing or two, or at least start to. i like this idea of lavendersage being a kindly cryptid who will alchemise ur heartache into calm.

i hope you dont mind if i try to make this a thing.

my story is in the shape of a love letter. its tearstained before it even hits the water. i drop it in your river and watch it float away.

y’all are breaking my heart with these stories this week 🤧i feel so sad to read them and so helpless to respond, because i know how deep that pain must run and i don’t know if there’s truly anything i could say or do to take it away. but if i can lessen it from 100 to 99, well, then i’ll have fulfilled my goal of existing on this website. at the very least, i’m glad that writing this message helped you process some things on your own, but i’m happy to share my thoughts anyway.

your mars sounds like a top tier human being. victorian flower language? i’m swooning. it’s no surprise to me that you fell for them, and they were clearly head over heels for you. folks don’t make grand gestures like that for just anyone, that’s for sure 🥺

and i’m very sad to hear about the way things ended. but, anon, i can’t help but wonder if it is indeed over, or if hope exists on the precipice of a great act of bravery performed by you--something i know from experience is much easier said than done, and something i’ve failed to do in the past, so i’m not trying to be a hypocrite here. the ball is definitely in your court, though.

also...it doesn’t sit well with me to hear you call yourself a villain. i understand why you see it that way, as it’s clear that you deeply care for this person. but for many folks...the fear of what our family will say or think or do weighs so heavily on us that it robs us of any possibility of happiness with someone who isn’t the kind of person our family wants us to end up with. i’m sure plenty of folks, myself included, can empathize with this. and i’m sure on some level, mars does too.

my love, as with all things, i hope whatever happens next works out for the best, and that you don’t let this experience darken your heart. if things change between you and mars, please feel free to drop me a note. i’ll always be here to listen 💚💚💚`