#they keep having mental health initiatives and it's like maybe let me work less how crazy would that be

[needsmustleap]

sending strength to rachel zegler bc the hate she's been getting is FUCKING wild jesus christ. the comments on her latest youtube video????? it's been wild to see them change as more ppl beyond her subscribers have watched it.... it's just so fucked

[deaf-solitude]

Bloodsucker Pt. 2 (Vampire!Frenchie x GN!Reader)

Takes place post-season 1, pre-season 2 once again!

Pairing: Vampire!Frenchie x GN!Reader

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: Blood, death, detailed violence, vampire feeding, fluff???, they’re goofy your honour

((Oh my god I’m SO sorry for how long I’ve been gone, writer's block hit me like a mf but I’M FINALLY BACK!! Back with pt 2 of the vampire!Frenchie fic B). I took some liberties on the mechanics/weaknesses of vampires in this part (i.e. they can go out in the sun (but are prone to sunburns), how they act when they haven’t been able to feed in a while, etc), which I hope doesn’t screw up anything too much. If anyone would like an explanation of how vampires work in this AU, lmk and I’ll make a more detailed post about it. Also this came out a lot more platonic than i intended I’m so sorry lol. ALSO ALSO i probably wont write a part 3 unless it’s explicitly asked for, and if you guys do want a pt 3, let me know what you’d like to see in it and maybe i'll get around to it :D anyway, enjoy!))

To say you were now incredibly worried was an understatement.

Over the few days since the whole vampire accusation, things had only looked worse and worse for Frenchie. The opportunities to feed on bodies after raids were practically nonexistent because of the newly implemented rules and the crew had gotten annoyingly creative in their attempts to “ward off” the suspected vampire among them. You were afraid you were never going to be able to get the smell of garlic out of your nose after this all blew over since they had been hanging up bulbs and cloves everywhere you could imagine; you had even found a bulb stashed away in the storage closet you usually napped in, which you were quick to throw out of the nearest porthole.

Despite the crew’s valiant efforts, Frenchie had informed you that garlic didn’t actually repel vampires, but it did cause what you chalked up to be a minor allergic reaction in them. This was good news since Jim had forced every person on the ship to eat a raw clove shortly after the initial incident. You were never fond of garlic, so the experience was less than pleasant, but having to deal with a bleary-eyed and runny-nosed Frenchie afterward might’ve been worse.

But what really had you worried was the raids. Blackbeard’s strict schedule of at least one raid per day didn’t let up in the slightest with the discovery of a vampire on board, and as time went on, you noticed Frenchie acting… weirder than normal.

The exhaustion came first, which was one of the symptoms you expected from him not being able to feed. It started with him getting more tired than usual as the day went on, and then taking longer to wake up in the mornings. Next thing you knew, he started joining you on your cat naps in the closet, where you’d have to practically drag him out while he was still half asleep to avoid getting caught. Now, even in the middle of the day, he fought to keep his eyes open, and you had often caught him falling asleep standing up while leaning against a post.

Then there was the weakness. You had never been a particularly strong person before being forced into Blackbeard’s crew, but you knew Frenchie was at least a bit stronger than you due to his height. He had always been able to handle larger crates of treasure easily with the help of Jim, but now he could hardly keep himself on two feet, let alone transport cargo. There were several times when you’d send Frenchie down with a crate, you’d hear a loud clunk shortly after, and when you rushed down to check on him, the crate would be tipped over on the floor with Frenchie standing out of breath next to it and complaining that his arms hurt. It was even easier to tackle and drag him around now since he had little strength to pull away.

This didn’t prove useful in raids, both for his well-being and your mental health.

You had practically adopted the role of his bodyguard, having to save his ass from combatants on multiple occasions. In one particular instance, the raid had started fine. Sure, Frenchie was a bit drowsy, but it was nothing too concerning to you at the time. A few minutes later you were desperately trying to yank an enraged man off of Frenchie, who was pinned underneath him and screaming for you to do something. Jim eventually stomped over and repeatedly stabbed the attacker in the back, causing him to crumple over right on top of Frenchie. After Jim quickly returned to their combat, you then spent another minute trying to haul the now dead man off of Frenchie, who could barely lift the body an inch off of his chest.

Today, you decided to keep a keener eye on your companion as you boarded a new ship. While Blackbeard did his usual drawn-out and dramatic entrance, you were already watching Frenchie out of the corner of your eye, who was standing beside you. Well, standing the best he could. He was swaying slightly in place, his eyes repeatedly fluttering shut and jolting open again once he realized they had closed. You bit your cheek and turned your attention back to Blackbeard. He was fucked.

It wasn’t long before Blackbeard finished his spiel and the crew leapt into action, eager to slaughter any adversary they could get their hands on. You took a breath to try and calm your nerves before lightly slapping Frenchie on the back in an attempt to wake him up a bit more, rushing forward to join your crewmates soon after. He jumped at the contact and swivelled his head to see who had hit him, when he very suddenly realized that they were, in fact, in the middle of raiding a ship. He cursed under his breath before sluggishly following after you, clumsily setting up his “claws” in his hands.

As blood started to spill, you saw Frenchie perk up, whirling around to stare at a man who had just recently been felled by Fang. What he failed to notice was another man coming up behind him, sword drawn and ready to strike. You were quick to cross the deck towards the two, slicing a gash into the man’s chest without hesitation before turning to Frenchie. He was about to lunge for the body when you caught the scruff of his jacket, yanking him back. “Are you fuckin’ mental?” You hissed, struggling to keep Frenchie in place.

“Wh-huh? No, no, I’m good,” he slurred, his eyes locked onto the body as his tongue darted out to wet his lips. You groaned, slapping his face lightly. That caught his attention and his head snapped back to look at you with a glare. You paid the nasty look no mind, pulling Frenchie slightly closer to you as your face darkened with annoyance.

“Behave,” you growled before letting go of his jacket to twirl around and deflect an oncoming sword with your own. Frenchie rolled his eyes, mumbling something about how he wasn’t a dog and that he could control himself, gracelessly lunging at another poor sailor soon after.

You had just knocked the sword out of your opponent's hand when you heard the tear of flesh and the choked scream that could only be accredited to Frenchie’s handy work. When you turned around to check on him, he was salivating above the bleeding man with wide, unfocused eyes. He almost got a bite in had you not immediately abandoned your own scuffle to drag him away from the dying man once again.

The raid turned into one big game of keep away between you and Frenchie, much to your dismay. You’d turn your back on him for a second to focus on not being killed, and when you looked back at him a moment later, he’d be hovering over another dead or dying body that you inevitably had to yank him back from, and the process would repeat. You were starting to worry that it looked far too suspicious to be normal, but not much was normal about the crew anyway with the way they ripped apart seamen and pirates alike.

Speaking of, the crew had torn this ship’s crew to shreds in record time, and soon everyone was standing in piles of blood, guts, and gore of their own making. Not a single soul was left alive aboard that ship.

You stopped your fretting over Frenchie for a second as you took in the sight of both the countless bodies that littered the bloodied deck, and the numb faces of your crewmates. Your heart sunk in your chest for a brief moment; the crew couldn’t keep doing this for much longer. The heavy footsteps of Blackbeard spurred you from your grief, instinctively yanking Frenchie back to your side after he had tried (and failed) to sneak over to another body.

Blackbeard’s cold gaze studied the crew, tilting his head slightly before speaking: “Alright, collect the plunder and let’s move on, lads.” His nonchalant voice cut through the melancholy mood of the crew like a hot knife, everyone flinching slightly before being quickly propelled into action. You huffed as you watched Blackbeard retreat to the confines of the Revenge, slowly turning to look at Frenchie with an agitated glare. He faltered under your gaze, taking on the expression and posture of a kicked puppy.

“You owe me big time,” you grumbled, poking an accusing finger into Frenchie’s chest. Before he could get a single apology or excuse in, you practically dragged Frenchie–who had started frequently stumbling as he walked–off of the raided ship and onto the Revenge. Despite your annoyance, you were quick to offer your support to him, letting him lean on you as the two of you trudged off that damned ship. He had protested, saying that you two had to haul treasure, but you knew he’d drop it anyway and kept walking.

It was hard to stay mad at Frenchie, it really was. The longer you walked in silence, the more guilty you felt about the whole situation.

You brought him down to his room and sat him on the bed, eying him warily as he flopped over onto the mattress and groggily blinked up at the ceiling. “So what exactly happens if you don’t drink blood for a long time?” You started, nervously wringing your hands out as you sat on the other end of the bed.

“Umm, I d-don’t know for sure,” he muttered, his head lolling from side to side as he struggled to keep himself awake, “I th-think I dry up and die or something.” You weren’t sure about the dying part, but you had noticed his cheeks becoming increasingly hollow over the past couple of days.

Again, you couldn’t help but feel like this was your fault. If you had just ignored that stupid gap in the wall, the crew never would have found out. You sighed, bouncing your knee nervously as you thought of what to do.

…Well, you did have an idea in mind, but you weren’t sure about going through with it.

Your mouth started moving on its own before you could really think the idea through: “What if I…” you paused, biting your lip with uncertainty. When Frenchie looked up at you with big eyes and that stupid pout, you knew you’d lost.

“What if I let you… feed on me?” You mumbled, your words hardly above a whisper, but Frenchie heard them loud and clear. He nearly jumped you, actually, taking hold of your shoulders and leaning forward with dizzying speed.

“Really? Like right now?” He exclaimed suddenly, sounding more energetic than he had in days. You grimaced, averting your gaze before sighing in defeat.

“I suppose. Can’t have my napping buddy shrivelling up on me now, can I?” You joked nervously, but it went right over Frenchie’s head as he grinned brightly.

“Oh my God, you’re the best!” He praised, engulfing you in a tight embrace. You wheezed, patting his back with a strained smile on your face.

“Yep. No problem,” you huffed, struggling to breathe, “just, uh, give me a sec to gather myself, yeah?” Frenchie nodded, willing to go along with anything to let him feed on you at this point. You sighed heavily, scooting backwards on the bed and leaning up against the wall, unbuttoning a few of your shirt’s top buttons to expose more of your shoulder.

“N-nothing too obvious, okay? Below the neck, preferably,” you stammered, watching warily as Frenchie practically foamed at the mouth. You straightened your back slightly, your fingers digging nervously into the tattered sheets of Frenchie’s bed as he slowly crawled on after you. It was… extremely creepy, with the way his eyes were blown wide and his lethargic movements mimicking that of a cat stalking its prey.

“Yeah, yep, ‘course,” he replied mindlessly, drawing closer and closer to you. He positioned himself dangerously close to the junction between your neck and shoulder, his warm breath fanning against your skin sending a shiver up your spine.

“How much do you think this is gonna hurt?” You questioned to give yourself a distraction, unable to stop yourself from shaking as Frenchie grabbed your shoulders to keep you still. You figured the answer was obvious, but maybe you were overestimating how painful it would be in your mind.

“A lot,” Frenchie stated bluntly before suddenly sinking his fangs into the flesh between your neck and shoulder.

You were not overestimating it.

If anything, you were severely underestimating how much it would hurt, and Frenchie’s blunt statement did nothing to describe the pain you felt.

You had to stop yourself from screaming, quickly slapping your hand over your mouth after a sharp inhale. It felt like two giant needles had just been stabbed into your shoulder, stinging like hell and almost making you queasy enough to pass out. Despite that, you clung to your consciousness, fighting to keep yourself quiet as Frenchie started to drink your blood properly. A cold creeping feeling crawled its way down your spine from your shoulder: it was excruciatingly painful and uncomfortable as you got colder and colder, but you held out for Frenchie’s sake.

Speaking of Frenchie, you couldn’t help but notice how incredibly… intimate this seemed on his part. Forget the location of the bite, Frenchie was making some questionable noises and hums as he continued to feed on you, pushing his body against yours and feverishly grasping at the other side of your neck. You could’ve sworn you saw his eyes roll back, but it was difficult to tell from this angle.

Before you could ponder that thought any longer, you started to get woozy, feeling unnaturally cold. “Frenchie,” you whined weakly, attempting to gently nudge him away. He didn’t budge, pressing himself against you further. You sighed, and with the little strength you had left, pushed against him with all your might. “Frenchie, get off!” You hissed, finally spurring him out of his daze as his fangs withdrew from your flesh. He stumbled backwards from the force, but managed to land on his feet as he was shoved off of the bed.

His breathing was heavy as he stared at you for a few seconds, his mouth parted slightly and his pupils still blown wide. It took a moment for him to process your sorry state before his skittish demeanor returned, gulping in what seemed like awe as he dragged his hands down the back of his neck to try and ground himself. He wasn’t really sure what to do now; usually his “meals” were already dead or dying. Not sure if he should move closer to you again, he could only quietly apologize: “S-sorry, sorry. God, that was…”

“Good?” You heaved, bracing yourself with your hands against your knees while your head was bowed in exhaustion. You stared up at Frenchie through bleary eyes, who had your blood smeared all over his face, looking very pleased with himself because of it.

“Oh, better than good. I haven’t had fresh blood in ages, and yours tasted heavenly.” Frenchie marveled, freezing after his unintentional hushed statement as he stared at you with wide eyes. You did unfortunately hear him, raising a brow at his mortified expression while your lips quirked into a small, teasing smile. His face flushed but he didn’t comment any further on the notion, looking away as his tongue darted out to nervously lick away some of the blood still left on his lips.

Before you could unpack all of that, a splitting migraine invaded your skull, causing your vision to go blurry as you made a strained sound of pain. You tried to hold yourself upright, but you could feel yourself quickly tipping forward from the sudden wave of dizziness that hit you.

Before you could fall far, Frenchie had swiftly caught you in his arms with a concerned cry of your name. “Oh Jesus fucking Christ, I haven’t killed you, have I?” You could faintly hear as you clung to your consciousness, trying your best to right yourself to no avail. You could feel yourself being gently picked up and moved slightly, and then placed back down on a soft surface.

“Fuck, fuck, I’ve killed them. What am I gonna tell the crew? Where am I gonna hide the body?” You could hear Frenchie fretting, the guilt finally kicking in for him. You groaned hearing his outlandish thoughts spoken aloud, weakly reaching your hand in his direction.

“I’m not dead, you fucker,” you croaked, trying to blink your heavy eyelids open.

You could hear Frenchie gasp, and a sound that vaguely sounded like something falling to the floor beside you. “I’m so sorry! I don’t know what came over me! I-I got carried away,” he apologized profusely, taking one of your hands in both of his own like you were on your deathbed. You snorted softly, a wobbly smile spreading across your face at the action.

“Relax. I don’t think you could kill me if you tried,” you teased in a weak voice, finally managing to get your eyes open to give him a look. You had expected him to be standing above you, but after a second of your eyes searching the room, you found that he had kneeled down on the floor next to the bed. You had to stop yourself from bursting into laughter at the sight.

Frenchie’s face scrunched up in confusion at your comment before a look of confusion and slight offence overtook it. “What the fuck’s that s’posed to mean? And why are you… giggling?” You managed to laugh weakly at his reaction as you turned your head away, bringing a small smile to Frenchie’s face in the process.

“N-nothing, it’s-” you cut yourself off with more hushed laughter as you looked at him again, bringing your free hand up to cover your mouth in an attempt to stifle your outburst.

“Is it because I’m kneeling? Because I’m worried that I killed my closest friend?” Frenchie taunted, though it was obvious that his words were all playful by the huge grin that spread across his face. You couldn’t stop laughing as he continued to speak, turning away from him to try and hide your face. You had no coherent answer for him, and that only encouraged Frenchie’s teasing.

“Wow. I just… this is unbelievable. I never thought you’d stoop so low, laughing at my… my concern for you,” he snarked, putting a hand on his chest in mock offence.

“Stop, stop! God, it hurts,” you exclaimed through strained giggles, clutching your stomach in pain with a wide grin on your face as your constant laughter started to give you a cramp.

Frenchie hadn’t taken your exclamation the right way initially, thinking that he actually did something to hurt you. His expression dropped almost immediately, trying to figure out what he had done as he started to withdraw his hand from yours. “O-oh, I-”

You were just as quick to snatch his hand back up when you noticed that he had started to pull away, nearly gasping as you did so. “N-no, no! You’re fine, Frenchie. It just hurts to laugh so much,” you explained hastily with a warm smile, easing his concerns.

It had been so long since you’d laughed that hard.

Frenchie’s face lit up with relief, and then quickly turned red with embarrassment. He smiled sheepishly, quite thankful that you had kept his hand in yours as he gave yours a soft squeeze. “Ah, right…”

A comfortable silence fell over the two of you as you laid on his bed, your eyes drifting down to where your hands interlocked. You had taken to idly running your thumb over Frenchie’s knuckles, a soothing gesture that you were focused on.

“B-but seriously; thank you. I, uhm… I needed that.” He mumbled, watching you run your thumbs over his knuckles with a soft expression.

“Yeah, clearly. I mean, fuck, do I even need to mention what just took place during the raid?” You ragged, playfully rolling your eyes as the lightheadedness slowly dissipated from your body. You sat up slowly with Frenchie’s help, hissing quietly as the puncture wounds on between your neck and shoulder were jostled.

Frenchie scoffed exasperatedly, slapping your arm lightly as a light blush spread across his face again. “Will you shut up? It wasn’t that bad.”

You gave Frenchie an unimpressed look, raising your eyebrows. You opened your mouth to rebuke him, but he was quick to shush you before a single sound could come from you.

“I don’t need you to recount it, thank you.”

You laughed again, hesitantly cupping one side of Frenchie’s face with your hand, who was still kneeling on the floor. “You're welcome,” you smiled, pressing a quick kiss to Frenchie’s forehead. He blinked in surprise, inhaling sharply at the soft gesture of affection. A conflicted expression crossed his face as he looked up at you with wide eyes.

”Why… why are you doing this for me, anyways?” He questioned quietly, pouting slightly. You pursed your lips, not exactly sure why you were going to such lengths for him in the first place; you had barely known him for more than a few months, and yet here you were, risking your life for him.

”…Because you’re my friend, and that’s what friends do,” you answered hesitantly, still not totally confident in your reasoning.

Frenchie seemed to catch onto this, looking amused as he raised a brow at you: “Yeah, because normal people are always letting their vampire friends feed on them.”

You groaned, dragging a hand down your face. “Shut up. I just care about you, okay? Is that illegal now? Am I going to be arrested?” You argued playfully, rolling your eyes.

Frenchie chuckled, still not quite content with your answer. “You care about a vampire? A monster?”

”I do. Shoot me,” you snapped sarcastically, choosing not to comment on his monster classification just yet. That seemed like a completely different problem to unpack, and you were too exhausted—both physically and mentally—to properly address it just yet.

Frenchie barked out another laugh, finally dragging himself off of the floor to sit next to you on the bed. “Okay, whatever you say, you weirdo,” he finally caved, dropping the subject for now. You snorted at his name calling, shaking your head with a smile.

Frenchie’s eyes drifted back to the puncture wounds at the base of your neck, wincing at how deep they were. They weren’t bleeding, but there was blood smeared around the area from how hurriedly he was feeding. Heat rose to his face again at the thought, but he quickly tried to distract himself from it by getting up to get a rag and some bandages.

”Let’s get you patched up, yeah?” He smiled bashfully at you, nervously wiping at his mouth again in case there was any blood left behind. You chuckled at the gesture, bringing your legs up onto the bed to sit criss crossed.

”That’d be appreciated, yes.”

[kinthinia]

Life Update

I don't really talk about my personal life online anymore, but I find myself wanting to today.

I used to shout into the ether over in my deviantart days, but I feel a little like I've outgrown that site. And also that site for writing is kind of dead, and didn't tumblr start out as a blog anyways?

I don't actually know the answer to that question...

Two years ago, I got engaged. I was working at a job I loved. What I didn't know at the time, was that the job I was working at was slowly, insidiously becoming more and more toxic. I was told when I signed up that it was a small, quiet office, and I really believed that. Mondays were the busy day, I did the scheduling for just two people, it was good.

But when I needed to get a sub to cover my position, they'd cover one vacation and often decline because the office was busy. Busy was the answer I kept getting back. And the people I worked for kept insisting the office was slow and how lucky I was to work in such a slow-moving office.

I made average, normal mistakes and was shamed in front of clients and given no way to voice how I was feeling because every reprimand was done in public in front of clients. I can't tell you how small that makes you feel.

This culminated in my work putting together a staff meeting and I was really excited to be able to voice my side of things, of how busy the office had actually started to feel for me, how I couldn't keep up with anything. But I couldn't quite pinpoint why. But instead, my employers sat me down and told me that I was the problem, that it was my mental health, that I had depression.

I didn't get to share my side of the story.

I went to my doctor. I was diagnosed with anxiety and low mood, PTSD, RSD and a handful of other diagnoses that have no bearing or major influence on my life that I can't even remember all of them. Minor doctor lingo stuff for putting feelings inside of boxes with a neat little label that is seldom useful.

I started seeing a therapist. She aslo agreed with my doctor that my anxiety and low mood weren't actually impacting me at my job, because my PTSD manifests in heavy masking and I would almost rather die than break down or fail at my performance based job.

I stopped writing. I just... couldn't. I had a window where I had a good thing going before it literally blew up in my hands.

I want to say, all of this was going on while I was knee-deep in planning a wedding.

A month and a half before my wedding, my work informed me that my hours were being cut. Effective within a week. They'd hired someone to replace me. They reminded me during this 'meeting' that I hadn't earned 23$ an hour as a wage because they'd noticed that I wasn't keeping up with the workflow. I asked in what way and they stated "let's not talk about specifics."

They hired a temp I had cover me for a week during xmas, the deadest week of the year and said that the office flowed so much smoother when she was around. Geez, wonder how that's possible.

For some context, I went from having 2 people who's schedules I booked. ALSO these people didn't tell me until maybe 2 weeks beforehand if they had a major meeting or anything going on, and I was expected to just know they had this as an issue.

Anyways. They hired my replacement at 30$ an hour.

I stuck it out because my wedding was less than a month away. I got married. My employers who were supposed to be in my party and show up, called like 14 hours before my wedding to cancel.

I was effectively let go while I was on my week off to celebrate my wedding.

I want to mention around this point I did start taking medication to some success.

I found a new job. I didn't transition well. I got another job. It's been nearly a year and I finally feel like I'm settling in and I don't have to worry about being stabbed in the back.

I want to preface this by saying, like the way I got hired at that initial job was because I was friends with the owner. The employer behind everything. Did you know she didn't even message me congrats until a week after my wedding that she was supposed to be in? Not even a condolence from her or her husband after my mom died.

And I'd known her husband for six years. Six years.

I'm obviously better off without them, that much is more than clear, but also....

Writing has been hard. Life has been hard.

I've been very... empty for the last two years. Despite my marriage being amazing, my husband is great, my wedding was amazing, everything else around that, including parts of my honeymoon have been an empty, agonizing.... blah. Blegh. A nothingness. The absence of warmth, if you will.

ANYWAYS it's been 3 weeks without that feeling. And I've started writing again. I'm 6 campaigns deep into Baldur's Gate 3. I like k-pop now.

If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me.

[growandrecover]

Idk if you're still active in this account but anyway. I was in quasi-recovery since Feb 2022 and I started real recovery and being committed in Feb/March 2023. I gained 3 pant sizes since then, and I stabilized in that weight months ago. I think I kinda plateaud. The thing is, I don't really trust continuing to eat what I want and as much as my body asks (the cravings and the extreme hunger have lowered a lot but I still feel like I'm eating too much and too many cravings for "bad food") I just feel like I'll keep gaining if I don't have any control over that. I also do moderate movement, like walking, dancing and some yoga/stretching when I feel like it and when I need a break for my mental health, but I don't do it everyday nor am I super consistent because burnout from a really stressful, busy and traumatic year leaves me tired and I just want to rest. I feel like I won't stop, like I haven't plateaud and I will continue to gain.

I've always had wide hips, really big thighs and big arms so it's already kinda tricky finding some clothes in shops. I'm scared of not being able to fit in airplane sits, that I will just have a worse life due to gaining more weight, because no amount of self-acceptance denies that you're treated less like a human depending on how big you are. I feel way better since I started recovery but societal fatphobia and my fear of gaining weight make me anxious and scared. I also fear I will never find love. I'm learning to love myself and I don't base my self-worth on a romantic partner, but I still want to experience genuine love in which someone actually loves my body, and that my body won't be an impediment to have a partner (i'm bi). I'm also desperate everyday to know if I'll lose overshoot, I hope so but I fear it won't happen. I have made a lot of progress with food but I fear it will be hijacked due to these problems. I feel like my body works against me. I just want to be normal, and I feel like I'll never be if I gain more.

I know this is a lot but I'm desperate and I've had an extremely rough year, I really don't have anyone to talk about this. I hope you have some advice. Thanks for reading me ❤️

Hi, anon.

Let me start off by saying how proud I am of you. Not only for being in recovery, but for being aware enough of your body's tolerance levels and being able to limit your exercise. That's so amazing, I'm really happy for you.

About your weight gain, I'd say that since you've plateaued, you should be able to continue eating what you've been eating. If your body is craving certain things, it's probably trying to tell you that you're not getting enough of whatever it is. Craving "bad foods" (there's also no such thing as good and bad foods, they all nourish your body and keep you going, but I get your point) might mean that you're missing certain things like fats, salt, sugar, etc.

As for the clothing, lots of things in stores aren't designed for some body types. I've always had a hard time with jeans, even before my ed. My size would fit me in the thighs, but be too big everywhere else. It's really all dependent on the designer. If you can, try not to let that get you down. Maybe you could google some brands that work for other people with your body type, and try those out and see if they fit you better.

Gaining weight is a huge fear factor in the recovery process, and your fears are completely valid. Unfortunately, you're right. People do treat people differently based on how they look. But you know what? People that are worth your time, love, and attention won't care about what you look like, or what size you are (the sizing is all a joke anyways). I know that sometimes stuff like that is hard to take because your initial reaction may be, "Yeah, right. That does nothing for me.", but it's true. I've been lucky enough to have people in my life that don't judge me based on my body or appearance, but lots of people don't share that. You will find a partner who will love every single inch of your body, and won't care if it changes. I've felt the exact same way (and sometimes I still do), but I can guarantee you that the perfect person will come along and adore you for you.

Also, the people who go along with societal pressures, like judging others for who they are, and what they look like, are most likely insecure themselves. Seeing people be who they are, and not ashamed of themselves makes some people angry. You have no control over that. If some people don't accept you for your body, that's okay. Sometimes I think about all the people I've seen be body shamed online. People will dislike you for anything. They'll hate you for being too thin, too "average", or too big. There's quite literally no winning here. If you try to care a little bit less about how others perceive your body, you'll be much happier, I promise.

A big turning point for me was realizing that no matter what size I was, pre-ed, during my ed, and during the first part of recovery, I didn't like the way I looked. So I might as well pick the choice that let me live with as little food restrictions as possible, right?

You *have* made a lot of progress with food, and you should be proud of that. The things that you're doing aren't hijacking your accomplishments. Recovery isn't linear. You're going to have bad times with your body and food, but you've still made wonderful achievements. And you *are* normal. Your size doesn't determine who you are. It can feel like it, for sure. But as an outside party, you're normal. Your mind is telling you you're not, and society may be as well. But as another person with an ed, as another human, you're normal, and you're perfect just the way you are.

I really hope this helps, and best of luck to you in your recovery. You're doing beautifully.

If you need someone to talk to, you can message me if you'd like, anon. <3 Or if you'd rather stay anonymous, you can just send more asks if that works better for you!!

[pornaddictionsymptoms]

How To Spot The Early Warning Signs Of A Porn Addiction

No one ever expects to get addicted to porn. It happens gradually, sometimes without the person even realizing it. But there are warning signs that can be spotted early on, before addiction takes hold. Here are some of the key things to look out for…

You're spending more and more time alone, instead of with friends or family

Spending time alone can be a wonderful experience, as it allows us to take a break from socializing and connect with ourselves. Unfortunately, if done in excess, it can be a warning sign for deeper issues. Now is the time to evaluate why you're feeling disconnected from family and friends, and reflect on whether this pattern of solitude is healthy or not. Perhaps you're feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities and need some space to yourself, or maybe you simply need to initiate more conversations so that you stay connected. Whatever the case may be, taking preventative steps now could help improve your overall wellbeing in the long term.

You're frequently using porn as a way to relieve stress or boredom

As one who feels constantly overwhelmed, it comes as no surprise that I find myself repeatedly turning to pornography for a brief respite from the demands of daily life. Watching porn is an easy way for me to relax and cope with stress, although I would never encourage it as a substitute for mental health treatment or healthy coping strategies. Unfortunately, it's become too frequent and habitual a practice, but I'm aware of the risks associated with relying on pornography as the main source of entertainment and stress relief. With this knowledge in hand, I'm actively working towards limiting my consumption so that I can enjoy more meaningful activities with lasting benefits.

You're hiding your porn use from your partner or spouse

While it may seem entirely reasonable to keep the extent of your porn use private from your partner or spouse, doing so can be counterproductive. While you may have felt that hiding your usage was a necessary precaution, talking about it openly with your significant other could be beneficial for both of you. Sure, there might be awkward moments and some difficult conversations, but honestly it will likely strengthen trust between the two of you in the long run. Working as a team to ensure a healthy and respectful relationship is something every couple should strive for.

Your work or school performance is suffering because you're preoccupied with porn

Many of us have had occasions where we come close to getting in trouble with our bosses or professors because of not focusing on our duties, but when that lack of focus is due to constantly thinking about porn it’s undeniably a more embarrassing issue. It can be extremely difficult to keep our attention from effortlessly rambling away from work-related tasks over to something much less productive - like daydreaming about the contents of an adult website. This might lead to poor performance at work or school, making it essential to interpret this sign as an indicator that you need to bring your focus back under control, rather than continue carelessly down a path of letting your online habits take priority.

You're feeling increasingly isolated and disconnected from the people in your life

When you're feeling isolated and disconnected from the people in your life, it can be really tough not to feel alone. Maybe you don't feel like anyone understands the struggles you're going through or that no one is available when you need them. That kind of loneliness can be overwhelming; however, it's important to remember that feelings and circumstances can change over time. Now might not be the best time to go out of your way to socialize, but that doesn't mean there aren't ways to still feel connected and supported. Reaching out to family members and close friends, as well as activities like yoga or journaling can be excellent outlets for helping to alleviate feelings of isolation. With a little extra effort it's possible to start rebuilding relationships with those around you in meaningful ways.

You've developed unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as excessive drinking or drug use, to deal with your addiction

In seeking to manage the pain of addiction, many people resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms that can exacerbate their condition rather than improve it. Those who find themselves trying to ease the burdens of addiction through excessive drinking or drug use are often putting themselves in hazardous situations, compounding problems rather than addressing them head-on. For those facing such a challenge, there is hope in embracing tools that provide resources and support towards healing. Treatment programs and therapies are available to help individuals reestablish momentum and reclaim their sense of self while navigating a healthier path forward.

If you're struggling with a porn addiction symptoms, it's important to reach out for help. There are many resources available to you, including therapy, support groups, and online programs. With the right treatment plan, you can overcome your addiction and build a healthy, fulfilling life.

[postplus-protest]

You know what time it is; a quick question/concern post! Between work, doctor’s appointments, and other such upsetting news and nonsense, it’s hard to keep up as well as find time to chill. I’m trying to check my messages at least once a day so I’m not ignoring you, I’m just slow. I have a few posts (important ones) queued up until “showtime” so I’m not completely gone.

“How do I pause my queue?!?” I used to remember how to do this, and I think the easiest way was through the desktop site. If anyone knows for certain and has the answers, lemme know. I’ll add them to one of the posts.

“Is there anything you’d be willing to do instead of post+?” Tons of things. Give me a direct donation button that would go to the site’s upkeeping/maintenance/server costs and I’ll be the first in line to donate. I’ll even post the receipt right here. Other features like those in the post I reblogged earlier would be cool too!

“Do you hate post+ entirely?” It would be a cool feature for content creators that work purely in original mediums but since that largest chunk of tumblr’s content is fan work, it’s a bad idea. I’m thinking less of myself here and more of a (let’s say for an example) 15 year old putting their MCU gif sets behind a post+, Disney coming for the good old DMCA, and then decide to take further legal action against this person. I remember the Anne Rice days very well and hate to see it happening again. Then again, maybe ScarJo will take the mouse to the cleaners (go ScarJo, go!)and that’ll be a non-issue. Who knows?

“What else can we do? Can I do/make/post x to help?” Spread the word, use the hashtags (a bigger push on twitter would be cool but I try to stay away from there for my own mental health), and absolutely help where you can. If you’ve made something, send me a message so I for sure see it and can reblog it. People reblogging with extra time zones? You guys rock and I love you.

“What happens after the initial log off protest?” We’ll see. I don’t want to commit too much just yet. Phase 2 will come soon enough.

“Who are you?” I’m just a very tired nobody. She/Her pronouns. Once this is all over and the dust is settled, I might pull back the curtain so to speak so any interested parties can watch me reblog gif sets from canceled cannibal tv shows and other fun hyperfixations on my non-protest blog. Or you can just come yell at me. Your choice of course lol.

Thanks again, every single one of you.

[pascalpanic]

Ok so i read a little snippet of the new interview w pedro and something stuck with me. He said something about loving to read aloud so IMAGINE FRANKIE. Like I have an idea maybe you’re like a college student who’s cramming for finals and assignments and all overwhelmed. One night before an exam Frankie reads your notes to you as you lie against him in bed. Like this mans voice lulls you to sleep. One page in you’re asleep but u can’t tell me the man doesn’t keep reading since he thinks maybe even in your sleep him reading your notes will help you remember the material for the next day I’m soft 🥺😭

Study Buddy (Frankie Morales x f!Reader)

W/C: 2.4K

Warnings: crying, stress, mentions of food, alcohol, non sexual nudity, reader is studying psychology

A/N: this is.... the dream. like the actual dream. And I included ravioli the cat bc I love that little man :)

God, you can’t remember any of this shit on the page in front of you. It makes your brain hurt, and the fact that you’re studying psychology makes it all even worse. You’re studying what makes you tick, the reasons why you can’t remember it, and it’s endlessly annoying. Your eyes burn from how long you’ve stared at your laptop, hand cramping from the amount of definitions you’ve written several times in a desperate attempt to commit them to memory.

You’ve spent this Sunday at your desk, only getting up to use the bathroom. Your doting boyfriend, Frankie, brings you food, refills your water, rubs your shoulders for you. The final exam is Wednesday, but you’re still filled with anxiety over what you do and don’t know. It feels like everything you learned this semester went in one ear and out the other after the initial tests on the individual units.

This exam is important. The course is a heavily impactful one, naturally an essential knowledge base for the field of mental health work, and passing it with a good grade would be a real standout later when you’re applying for medical school. It’s safe to say the pressure’s on, and you’re feeling it squeeze down on you like a vise.

Frankie walks in again, about an hour after the last time, when he brought you graham crackers and hot tea. You lift your head to look at him, wincing as your neck crunches with the movement. Frankie winces for you. “Wow.” “I know,” you whine, rolling your neck side to side and working out the rest of the air bubbles that formed from staring down at the full notebook. Looking up at him, your eyes water from the constant light of your laptop, even with your blue-light glasses. “What time is it?” You ask.

Frankie sits on the edge of the bed, hands on his thighs. “Uh, it’s about 8 P.M. now.” Ravioli, his cat, lifts his head from where he’s curled on the bed. Frankie murmurs something and rubs the cat’s fluffy little head. Ravioli prances over to Frankie’s lap and curls up in it.

You groan and scoot your rolling chair over to him, his hand finding the tender spot where your neck and shoulder meet and rubbing the sore muscles. “Oh, honey,” he sighs, removing your glasses and wiping the small gathering of tears from your lower eyelids. “Can I run you a bath?”

“I don’t have time, baby,” you whimper, real heavy and hot tears forming as you look back at your desk. “A whole portion of the exam is gonna be on classical conditioning, and I can’t even tell the difference in the unconditioned and conditioned stimuli, and-”

As your words rise in pitch and the cry chokes your throat, Frankie pulls you out of the chair and into his lap. Ravioli nervously removes himself from Frankie’s lap, not wanting to be crushed as you two embrace. “You have all of tomorrow and Tuesday.”

“But I need to use tomorrow for parts of the brain and Tuesday for all-around final review!” You wail, burying your face in his chest and sobbing.

Your tears dampen his shirt but Frankie doesn’t care, he just wraps his arms around you tighter as you cry. He lets the tears fall for a bit, allowing you to get the tension you clearly need out… well, out. He rocks you gently in his arms, holding you in his strong arms and kissing your head. When the tears slow and your wheezes turn to small hiccups, Frankie gives a slow deep breath, knowing you’ll feel it and hoping you’ll mimic it. “You’ve been at your desk for nine hours, baby. It’s time to be done for the night. I’ll let you study a little longer, but I’m going to run us a bath. Okay?” He asks.

Nodding, you sniffle and wipe the tears from your eyes. “I got snot all over your favorite shirt,” you whimper.

Frankie shakes his head. “It’s nothing, querida. Go finish up and I’ll get the bath started.” He slides you back into your desk chair and rolls you back to your desk.

You wipe the snot onto the sleeve of your hoodie and look up at him with big eyes. “You’re too good to me, baby,” you coo, voice still watery.

“Just doing what you deserve.” Frankie stands behind you and removes the tight bun from your hair, letting it fall down and massaging your scalp gently. “Oh, honey,” he sighs as he sees you visibly relax. “That was tight.”

“Didn’t even notice,” you murmur as your eyes slip shut, falling back into Frankie’s strong fingers as they trace your sore scalp. He kisses your forehead and walks off to the bathroom, making you sigh and put your blue light glasses back on for the final few minutes of studying.

With these moments, you review things you already know, deciding to use part of tomorrow to focus on the classical conditioning components again. It’s incredibly basic, you know, and the fact that you don’t get it makes you even more frustrated. You break your own rules and stare at the blank diagram, trying to properly label them, only to feel angry tears welling up.

“Pavlov was an asshole, doing all that tempting to his dogs,” Frankie chuckles as he walks in to see you at the segment again. His small smile falls when he sees your eyes are watering. Helping you from the chair, he shuts your laptop and notebook and wraps his arms around you. “Hey. You’ll get it, baby. Taking a break and coming back helps, right? Didn’t you call that…”

“Spaced practice,” you nod. “Or dispersed. Either term works,” you sniffle.

“See? I’m learning from you. You’ll have your M.D. in no time.”

You give a weak chuckle and walk with Frankie to the bathroom, sighing as you smell your favorite candle and notice that he turned the bathroom light to a soft orange glow. He’d insisted on putting in the color-changing lights recently, and you have to admit you enjoy them. The tub steams with clear water and you turn to Frankie to frown only to see him holding two bath bombs. “Your choice. I know you like picking.”

This makes you finally break from your scowl into a small smile. You pick your favorite, one with pink and purple swirls and a rose on top. Frankie nods and lets you take it. “You do the honors. I’ll go get the bubbles.”

Before he can turn, you stop him and take his face in your hands, kissing him lovingly. “You’re the best,” you tell him with a weak smile.

“How about some wine too?” He offers, rubbing your side.

“God, let’s run away and get married,” you laugh and rest your head against his chest. “Yes, wine please, baby.”

“Be right back,” he smiles and kisses your forehead.

You squat and drop the bath bomb in the water, sighing as the steam becomes scented of jasmine and sage. The water swirls purple and Frankie returns in a few moments with a bottle of red wine and lavender bubble bath. Sighing, you stand to full height and stretch, your back aching from the strained position. Frankie helps you remove your hoodie, slipping it off and tossing it aside before removing his own clothes.

Frankie pours some of the opened red wine into two glasses, then drizzles some bubble bath into the tub. He turns on the jets for a moment, letting the bubbles foam to the top. He slides in once he’s fully naked, grabbing his wine from the side and sighing. “Come on in.”

Smiling over at him, you tie your hair back and slide in, sitting on his lap in the water and grabbing your glass of wine too. You rest your head against Frankie’s broad chest and he turns on the jets, swirling the warm water around the both of you.

It’s just as relaxing as he’d hoped it would be. You sip your wine as he snakes an arm around your middle, kissing the top of your head. You’re both fully naked, but the moment isn’t anything sexy or hot. It’s just loving, snuggling in the warm water.

Handing Frankie your glass, you slip beneath the surface of the bubbles, fully submerging yourself in the deep tub. God, you’re glad Frankie chose the deepest tub they had. Popping back up, you push back your hair and sigh, nuzzling back into his chest.

“Is this all okay?” Frankie asks you after a bit, having set his wine aside and wrapped both arms around you.

Turning off the jets to talk, you smile contentedly as his warm body envelopes you. “So good. God, you’re amazing.”

Frankie smiles at that and squeezes you a little tighter. “You deserve it. You work so hard all the damn time, and you’re so beyond smart. I’m so proud of you, and you need to be treated like this.”

The mention of your work alone makes your body less fluid and relaxed as you start going over your studying plan to make sure you have everything ready for the next few days. Frankie can feel it. “Hey. Relax. Do you want me to help you study?”

You open your mouth to say no, but the offer intrigues you, making you pause. “How?”

Frankie shrugs. “I could quiz you. Read your notes to you.”

His voice always makes things stick better. You remember things much better in Frankie’s voice, holding every little thing the man says in extra high regard. “That would be lovely, baby. Thank you.”

“Anything for you,” he mumbles and kisses behind your ear.

Frankie pours you another half of a glass and by the time you finish it, the water has become lukewarm. The two of you drain the tub and dry off. Frankie brings you warm and clean clothes, a pair of cotton shorts and one of his hoodies. “You know me so well,” you beam at him and kiss him slowly. “When this is over, I’m gonna give you the best fuck of your life for being so good to me.”

Frankie has to laugh. “I mean, I’ll never say no to that, but you don’t have to. This is what partners do. This is my job as your man.”

“‘Mmm, and what a good man you are,” you purr as you nuzzle into his body once your clothes are on. “Gonna go take my meds and meet you in bed, okay?” You ask.

“Sure thing.” He kisses your head and pulls on his pajamas, blue plaid boxers and an old t-shirt, a grungy old thing with a terrible graphic relating to the Delta Force.

“You wanna put some pants on?” You tease, admiring his bare legs beneath the soft fabric.

Frankie yawns, stretching his arms above his head, before shaking it and smiling at you. “Mind your own business.” He retreats to the bedroom, and you can hear him cooing to the cat.

Taking your pills in the kitchen, you return to the bedroom and smile to see Frankie snuggled under the covers, Ravioli’s whiskers sniffing at Frankie’s face. The cat stands on Frankie’s chest, investigating his face. When he sees you, Frankie lifts Ravioli off his chest and pulls back the blankets. “Get on in here.”

Grabbing your thick notebook, you snuggle into the bed, resting your damp head on Frankie’s chest. Frankie kisses your wet hair, wrapping his arm around beneath you and taking the notes from your hands. He cracks it open and sighs. “Alright, brace yourself. I don’t know how to say any of this shit.”

You laugh, resting a hand on his chest. “Do your best.”

“We’ll see,” he chuckles and reads over the page. “Do you want me to quiz you or just read to you?”

“Just read, please,” you say softly as you let your eyes fall shut, absorbing Frankie’s warmth and Ravioli’s weight as he lies down on your feet.

His voice is so soothing. It always is, everything about Frankie is. His voice is low and soft, only loud enough for you to hear it. He begins explaining the difference in the Broca’s and Wernicke’s areas, and even though he clearly doesn’t understand the meaning behind the words, his lovely voice makes them stick.

He reads to you as you get sleepier, the weight and exhaustion of your burning eyes bringing you closer to drifting off. Before you do, you catch yourself and open them, smiling at the cat snuggled at your feet and the rise and fall of Frankie’s chest.

“Will you read me the bit about the different components of classical conditioning?” You ask quietly, hoping his voice will make the concept clearer or at least more memorable.

He nods and his scruff brushes over your forehead as he readjusts his head. Your hand rests on his soft belly, the warm skin and tufts of hair leading lower. He’s like a human comfort blanket, and you can’t help but nuzzle closer into his body.

Trying to go slowly and understand the concept himself, Frankie reads aloud the differences in the conditioned and unconditioned responses and stimuli. As much as you try to focus, your mind slips away into a warm fog, only emphasized by the lilt of his deep voice.

It doesn’t take long after one last yawn. You succumb to the sleep, and your whole body melts into the mattress and into Frankie. One slow sigh tells Frankie that he has succeeded in relaxing you.

Careful not to shift you too much, Frankie leans upwards to toss the notebook on the desk. It lands with a slap, making you jump and startle awake. “Shh, it’s all good, baby, it’s just me,” Frankie murmurs to you, stroking your back through the hoodie.

That’s all you needed, a reassurance that Frankie’s got whatever it is covered. You give half of a nod and rest your head on his chest once more, returning to the slightly deeper sleep.

As your breath slows, so does Frankie’s. He just barely holds back a yawn, clenching his teeth so that he doesn’t make enough noise to wake you again. Once his eyes slip shut, he’s done for, and your little family is all asleep on the bed: you and Frankie intertwined, and the cat at your feet.

-

taglist:

@remmysbounty @mishasminion360 @blo0dangel @binarydanvvers  @sleep-tight1 @apascalrascal @randomness501 @spideysimpossiblegirl @notabotiswear @pedro-pastel @sanchosammy @lv7867 @greeneyedblondie44 @hunnambabe @astoryisaloveaffair @emesispo @pedritobalmando @magikfanatic @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @princess76179 @deltadebelleza @tacticalsparkles @queridopascal @wintermuteway @maievdenoir @dobbyjen @beskarboobs @sharkbait77 @day-off-inkyoto @darnitdraco @iamskyereads

[treybriggsthewriter]

This makes me nervous, but I’m going to post it. I’m going to try my best to achieve my goals. I’ve put in a ton of work already, so I’m looking for additional help. 

From the campaign:

My name is Trey Briggs, and I'm a black woman who writes paranormal horror, speculative fiction, and other types of fiction. You can find my stories at MaybeTrey , Astrid the Devil , and on Instagram , Medium , and Wattpad .

My stories are aimed at black people who want to read dark stories that focus on original black characters that are complex and interesting. I genuinely believe Black audiences deserve a variety of genres to delve into, and I want to introduce them to paranormal horror, dark romance, and fantasy that they haven't gotten enough of in the past. I also believe that this can be done across multiple mediums, and I spend my money with black creative professionals to make these experiences extend beyond my words. For the last two years, I've run my stories on sites and Instagram to great reception. I like to craft complex experiences that offer looks at character backgrounds, side and backstories, full websites for each title, and more. I also provide encyclopedias, maps, audio journals, and other ways to get into each world. During these last few years, I've run into a lot of walls, jumped a lot of hurdles, and tried my best. I've worked with amazing black artists, voice actors, and actresses, musicians, designers, and more. I trust my ability to run a project, especially when it comes to planning and finding talent. My overall goal is to run a team of black creatives that crafts novels, graphic novels, audio experiences, and animated series for a dedicated audience.

Why I Need Help Long story short: I have the skill, I have the marketing/website building/business experience, and I have the drive. There's a lot I can do on my own, but there's also a lot that gets left behind because I don't have the money I need to proceed at a steady pace. I need help with funding so I can focus, hire the right people, and craft these stories the way they deserve to be crafted. I have thus far spent over $60,000 of my own money on my projects over the past two years - the writing and site-building are easy for me; the rest has to be hired out. I have art, site costs for hosting, domains, templates, specific plugins, and maintenance, audio (and vocal artists to pay), musical, and editing costs. I'm by no means rich or even particularly financially stable. I have taken on tons of extra clients for my digital marketing business, transcribed hundreds of hours of audio for dirt cheap, and taken out personal loans. I even worked a second full-time job along with my full-time business last year to afford to produce the content I love. It's starting to take a toll on my mental health. I plan on continuing to fund these projects out of pocket (and finding ways to do so), but having financial help, however big or small, would allow me to move a lot faster and with less stress. It would let me flesh out ideas and concepts that I have had to scrap because I can only physically handle so much extra work. I run a full-time marketing business from home, homeschool my autistic 10-year-old, and generally have a busy life. Some of the strain is taking a toll on me, and I don't want to give up. Having some financial backing could allow me to drop a client or two after a few months and focus on the work I love to do.

How You Can Help I mainly need a start—a sort of base. I want to emphasize that I plan to continue to provide the main bulk of funding for my projects. I know my goals are ambitious, and I know each step will take time and money. I welcome any help to make the process smoother and to get around the initial hurdles. I'd like to have ebooks and novels offered on my site by the end of the year (along with the free serials and stories). Funding means that I can broaden the projects, include more free aspects to my sites, and secure direct financing through sales of ebooks and audiobooks sooner. It also means that I can offer MORE stories, whether they are online only or fully fleshed out novels and sites. I am swamped with trying to work enough to cover all my bills and creative projects, so I lose a lot of time I could spend plotting and writing. If I have better funding, I can get my stories out quicker (and with fewer mistakes).

The Initial Stories Let's talk about my stories! If you're familiar with my work already, you can skip to the next section. My main story site is Maybe Trey . Currently, I have two big titles and a bunch of smaller ones that I am seeking help with funding: Astrid the Devil

Astrid the Devil is the complicated story of a girl who inherits not only her family's features and DNA, but their fears, struggles, and fights. It's the story of a condition called Devil Syndrome, the women who suffer it, and the monsters that devour them. It's the story of the fight to save the people you love at the expense of innocent lives. At its core, Astrid the Devil is the story of a woman who inherits the chaos of three generations before her. It's a look at what is truly passed down to our children, and how they're left to fight our battles in the aftermath of our failures. It's the tale of an indescribable monster and the women who struggle to defeat it. It's a journey into how their every decision could save or destroy an entire world. Astrid the Devil is the story of Astrid Snow, but her story can't be told without the story of the women before her.

Vicious: On MaybeTrey  and The Vicious site (in progress)

Somewhere, a war is brewing.  That's the only thing that's for sure to Junnie Gorton, a young horned girl suffering from a debilitating disease called Horn Rot. She typically dealt with her low survival rate and abnormally large horns by escaping the world with her best friend, Lewish. Now she's forced to figure out which side is which, save her entire species, and find out the truth behind the sudden uprising in her home. Horn Rot, a highly contagious and violent disease spreading through horned people, is causing mass amounts of madness and death. Normal horns grow in ways that will pierce, suffocate, and maim their owners, and the only one who can stop it is Junnie's mother, Lyria. As Lyria falls deeper and deeper into an anti-social revolt, the country reels. While Junnie broods, her entire species must prepare for mass extinction. Her brother plots with a group of people with less than good intentions and Lewish is quieter than usual. In a civilization brought up on extreme violence and competition, Junnie and Lewish try their best not to get swallowed by their culture, their lives, or their horns.

Bunni and Bosque :

Bunni lives. Bosque dies. We all know how this story starts. Bunni is obsessed with destruction and death. She comes from the healthiest Horned family in her country. She's from the oldest, purest bloodline in the world. And she's bored with it. Bunni spends most of her time trying to escape her duties as a pureblood. She wants things dirty, messy, foul, inconsistent. Having parents that are willing to kill to keep their bloodline pure is annoying. Knowing that she'll live a long, full life, produce more perfect children, and die unscathed is agonizing. Bunni wants something to mourn. We all know how this story ends. Bosque is destined to die an agonizing death, alone on his family's land. He's watched everyone he loved and grew up with perish. Sometimes it was because of their disease. Sometimes it was because of the malice and hatred of others. While he's absolutely withdrawn and satisfied with his life, Bosque has never had a chance to live it. He spends his days basking in the sun, bathing in wood baths, and contemplating the end. Bosque isn't interested in joining the rest of the world. He'd rather die out, alone, where his family belonged. Bosque wants to go peacefully. But neither expected to meet each other one day in a supermarket. Neither expected to fall in love, lust, and every vicious and dirty thing between. Neither expected to be so right for each other, all while being wrong for everyone else. You know the end of this story. Bunni lives, Bosque dies. But maybe something will change.

My smaller titles, Bunni and Bosque /Aite and Jude, can be found at Maybe Trey .

The Business Plan

The initial phase of my business plan is to get the sites populated with ebooks and audiobooks for sale. I also have prints that can be sold. Right now, I am in the audience-building phase while I save up for editing the full novels. 

In terms of an actual business with which to publish the stories, I already have a registered publication company in Illinois: Wolfless Studios LLC. I took this step earlier this year with plans to self-publish Astrid and Vicious. So that is paid for and done.

I have also gotten initial editing done on the first six chapters of Astrid, though it will need to be edited from the beginning again once everything is said and done. I've spent over $1000 on that so far, and it would go a lot faster if I didn't need to save up to edit each chapter.

Astrid the Devil is fully plotted, outlined, and only needs the last three chapters. Bunni and Bosque and Vicious are newer, but plotted and already deep into character development (all being shared across social and Wattpad for audience growth). Aite and Jude and other shorts are plotted, and three other unshared stories are plotted and at the editing phase.

Other costs and ways I would use the funding (I would still put in my own money and do as much on my own as possible):

Initial $30K

$6000 - $7000 Line and Copy edits for Astrid (currently at 250000+ words/expecting over 300000 at $0.02 rate)

$6000 - $7000 Line and Copy Edits for Vicious

$3000 - $4000 Line and Copy Edits for Bunni and Bosque

ISBN Purchases (Separate ISBN for each format for each book) - https://www.myidentifiers.com/identify-protect-your-book/barcode

Covers for Astrid/Vicious/B&B Print Versions

Site Hosting Costs and Maintenance for 2 Years

Site completion for all stories

Initial store and app development

40K - Marketing and Graphic Novels

Social, Print, and Web ads

Email Marketing Campaigns 

Booths at Decatur Book Festival (depending on COVID)

Social ads and promos

50 to 60 pages

First two chapters offered as free promo with email sign-ups

Audio journals for each character

Situational audio journals

Encyclopedia for Astrid (finishing up)/Vicious

65K - Hires and Next Phases

Ability to hire a Full-Time Editor 

Audio Series for each (professionally done)

Vicious Graphic Novel

Additional Title Added

Short animations for both Vicious and Astrid (with plans to fund more with book sales)

Fleshed out Story Sections (Novellas for each character of each series)

Short comic series with Astrid and Vicious side characters

Possible to plan out monthly subscription service with new stories and 'story package' deliveries

75K -

Astrid the Devil Graphic Novel

Vicious Graphic Novel

Astrid the Devil Animated Short

Ability to hire part-time Web Developer

Additional bigger title

Anything Over - I ascend into pure light. And also, I can add titles, cover more mediums, and eventually expand my publishing to other black creatives.

From there, I should be able to handle the funding via sales of books, comics, audio, and more. Again, I will always offer mostly free content across the sites.

I believe in proof of concept, and I have diehard fans on my social platforms. With no outside funding, I've been able to a lot on my own. I'd love to expand my business into one that does the same for other black authors, artists, voice actors, and animators somewhere down the line. 

Thank you so much for your consideration. I appreciate all my readers, present and future, and I appreciate any help!

See incentives and more on the actual campaign: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-trey-publish-black-paranormal-horror-stories

Thank you so much!

[jiminisnotavirgin]

A+

Pairing: professor!taehyung | collegestudent!reader

Genre: smut

Description: A one-on-one video call with your hot, college professor takes a surprising turn.

Words: 3.8k

Warnings: inappropriate student/teacher relations, mutual masturbation, fingering, clit-stimulation, and innapropriate language.

Note: After much anticipation, I hope this is my return to the writing part of the lovely fanfic world. Here’s a little something mischievous and self-indulgent (clearly!). I started writing this when quarantine and remote-learning first began last year and I returned to it earlier this week. Let me know what you think :) I hope you enjoy A+. Love, Phoenix.

Email after email, document after document, the light from Taehyung’s laptop shines bright blue across his features. The hours go by and the sky grows darker but he remains at his desk, only taking small breaks to lighten the strain on his eyes. His chair creaks as he leans back and glances outside the window. Like most nights lately, only the stars keep him company tonight.

His courses shifted to an online-only remote format due to the need for social distancing. Despite the initial confidence he displayed to his boss and colleagues over the change, Taehyung is more unsure than ever. Frustration sneaks its way into his mind like a viper wrapped around its squirming prey. His life has turned into a turbulent sea of e-mails and complaints from upset students. What’s the best way for him to support his students? How can he assure them that their mental health is more important than any essay or assignment they’ll ever complete?

A sudden knock at the door steals his attention. Jungkook, his roommate and best friend, leans against the doorway with crossed arms. “Professor Kim,” he begins with a smirk. “Do you have a minute to speak?”

“What’s up?” asks Taehyung, ignoring his friend’s use of the name his students address him with.

“Did you see Jimin’s text? He invited us over for drinks at his apartment. Are you coming?”

“Can’t,” answers Taehyung. His computer glows in his peripheral vision. “I have—“

“Emails to write, work to do. I get it, you’re a busy man.” Jungkook shrugs. “I thought I’d ask anyway since it’s Saturday night.”

“Maybe next time.” Guilt floods Taehyung’s chest and makes it difficult to look Jungkook directly in the eye. Not only is he a shitty professor but he’s a shitty friend, too.

Jungkook finally steps inside the room, occasionally tinkering with Taehyung’s things until he reaches his desk. “Whatever. I’m just worried about you, that’s all.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Jungkook’s already-large doe eyes go wider. “Because all you do is sit at that damn computer all day!”

“I have to teach classes online, what do you expect?”

“It’s not healthy. You barely even leave your room to eat.”

“Who are you, the food police?”

“No, I’m your best friend,” Jungkook answers. “When was the last time you did anything fun? Or normal? You’re twenty-six, Tae, not a hundred and six.”

Taehyung sighs. “I can’t think about any of that right now. Actually, I should get back to my work...”

Jungkook takes the hint and leaves, but not without shooting a glare that makes Taehyung regret his choice of words. He can’t worry about it right now though—not when he has a call planned with you in about two minutes.

He was surprised to see an email from you in his inbox yesterday. You’re one of the students that hasn’t reached out all semester unlike most of the others in his courses. He knows just what kind of student you are: the type who floats through classes quietly but still gets high marks. You’re an older student. You fade into the background by avoiding the attention of your peers but your work stands out, therefore, you do too. He recognizes it because he was that student, too.

Taehyung opens the app for the call, expecting you to pick up after a minute or two but you answer within seconds. “Hello,” he greets you.

You tuck a stand of hair behind your ear and speak but no sound follows the movement of your mouth. He waits but nothing changes.

Taehyung clears his throat. “I think your microphone is off,” he says and types the same words into the chat box at the bottom of his screen.

You squint as you bring your face closer to the monitor. “Can you hear me now?”

He smiles. “Perfect. So, how are you doing? How’s the semester been so far?”

You shrug. “It’s been okay. I’m just trying my best, you know? What about you?”

“Pretty much the same. There’s nothing to do besides read and grade assignments.”

“I wanted to talk to you about the midterm, actually...” your voice fades out and your eyes drift away from the camera. He digs through his memory for what you wrote but his mind comes out empty-handed.

“Let me pull it up on my computer.” He searches through his saved files and documents.

“Oh, you don’t have to do all of that.” You pause for a few seconds. “It’s about my grade.”

“Let’s see... B-plus. Nice work.” When he looks away from your paper, he catches you frowning.

“Could you give me some feedback on it?” you ask.

“I left a few comments on the side,” he answers, eyes still glued to the document. He exits the window and focuses on your face once again. “I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you. You’re a lovely writer.”

“Not good enough if I can only get B-pluses,” you answer with a sigh. Taehyung sits up in his chair, surprised by your shift in tone.

Are you looking for an explanation? A justification for the grades he’s given you? “Most students would be satisfied with a B-plus in an almost graduate level course.”

“With all due respect, sir, I’m not your other students.”

His brows twitches. “Oh?”

“I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an arrogant jerk but I’m not used to getting anything lower than an A on my papers. The fact that I’m about to graduate and can’t hack yours is pretty... frustrating.”

He presses his lips together. “I don’t know what to tell you.” What do you want to hear? Can anything he’ll say wipe that glare off your face? It’s interesting to see you lose your cool after all this time.

You refuse to back down from the challenge. In this impromptu staring contest, your brown eyes penetrate his through the computer screen.

Taehyung decides to give in. Slightly. “One thing I will say,” he continues, “is that I’m particularly tough on my best students. If I gave you an A-plus on every essay you handed in, what would you work up to? There’s no doubt about the strength of your writing.”

Your expression changes immediately. “Oh,” is the only word that leaves your lips. The lines of anger decorating your forehead smooth out as your mouth eases into a relieved smile.

It’s in this moment that Taehyung finds himself looking at you. Truly looking at you.

There’s something about the determination in your face as you plead your case, as though nothing else in the world matters more. Your glossy, heart-shaped lips possess a reddish tint that reminds him of cherries, or rubies. Even through the pixels on the computer screen, you retain the same freshness he remembers from a few months ago, if not more now.

All this time on the computer has gone to your head, he thinks to himself. Perhaps there’s still a chance for him to catch up to Jungkook and the others.

A giggle erupts from your side of the call. “So my papers are good? And here I thought I wasn’t good enough for you.”

“I didn’t mean to make you suffer,” he murmurs and runs a hand through the waves in his raven hair. His eyelids flutter closed as he sinks into his chair and stretches his arms. Finally, a meeting he can consider a success; a meeting where the student leaves the call less frustrated than when it began. He prepares to end the call and log off for the night.

Then he hears it.

It’s faint and quiet and quick but he hears it, as if all sounds in the world were turned off and yours was amplified. The sound echoes in his mind as though you were right there beside him: “If only you knew how you make me suffer.”

This progression of thoughts occurs in a matter of seconds. By the time he’s processed your statement, his eyes have been forced open and any chance of relaxation for the rest of the night disappears into thin air.

“What?” he asks, voice betraying the casualness he wishes to exude.

“Oh, nothing.” You blink innocently, long lashes fluttering like a pair of butterfly wings. “I just care about your opinion, Professor Kim, if you can’t tell.”

“Right...” His eyes trail to the messy display of pens and papers spread out across his desk—anything to avoid your gaze. Its intensity has multiplied a thousandfold and threatens to melt him like a popsicle in the sun. He ignores the surge of anxious heat flowing through his veins.

“I mean,” you continue, lips pursed. “Who doesn’t love hearing a little bit of praise every once in a while, right?”

Your statement hangs in the air for what feels like an eternity. His shirt suddenly squeezes his torso. His pants suffocate his thighs. The room feels like a furnace and dizzying all at once, but the tension in the air keeps him in the moment.

“What are you doing?” he finally asks.

All the blood drains from your face and your limbs freeze. You hold your hands up in the air. “I’m sorry, professor. I didn’t mean to—“

“Don’t start something you can’t finish,” warns Taehyung. A new fire fuels his gaze. With his thick brows, chiseled face, and beautiful black hair to match, your professor is a flame and you’ve been dying to get burned since you first laid eyes on him.

You pull off your hoodie and toss it onto the ground behind you. With a small tug of your index finger, you adjust the spaghetti straps of your pink tank top, underneath which you wear no bra. Your nipples prick at the thin fabric that stretches with each of your breaths.

“You deserve so much more than a little bit of praise,” he murmurs, erasing any doubts over your advances towards him.

“I do?”

“Mmhmm. Especially since you’ve been such a good girl.”

This man couldn’t possibly be the same one that lectured your class all semester. Something sinful replaces the innocent, awkward mannerisms you’ve grown to know over time. No more does he hesitate with his words or actions. Instead, he leans towards the camera with his shoulders pushed back. You’re greeted by his neck and the tan slope of his chest that hides beneath the loose collar of his button-down. You want nothing more than to rip off his shirt with your bare hands. For now, you can only imagine what lies beneath.

“Good girls deserve rewards,” he says with a swipe of his tongue across his plump bottom lip, snapping you out of your daze.

“What should I do?” you ask and glance at your closed bedroom door. Fortunately, you locked it before the call started. You don’t want any intrusions from your roommate.

“You should wind down and take care of yourself. You’ve been working so hard.” His eyes dart down to your tank top. “Close your eyes and imagine it’s me worshipping your chest.”

Your eyes fall closed as your hands drift to the hem of your top. Your fingertips graze your stomach and stop when your skin begins to slope up into the mounds of your breasts. “What would you do if you were here with me right now?”

He doesn’t miss a beat. “I’d make it my mission to kiss every part of you but first, I’d focus on those beautiful breasts of yours. They’d fit in my hands perfectly.”

With your left hand, you grasp one breast and tighten your grip just the slightest bit. The squeeze forces a sigh from your lips and although your eyes are closed, Taehyung struggles to control his own breathing as he watches you begin to unfold. With the other hand, you bring two fingers to your mouth and coat them in saliva only to bring them down to your nipples which harden with each squeeze and stroke.

Taehyung swallows in anticipation. “Just like that. Keep going.”

“Wait, what about you?” you ask, voice raspy and slightly out of breath.

“What about me?”

“I’m not the only one who deserves a reward.”

“Watching you wriggle and writhe in desire is enough for me.”

You cross your arms. “Nope.”

He chuckles. “What do you suggest I do, then?”

“I want you to fuck yourself with your hand and imagine it’s my pussy squeezing the life out of you.”

Your words knock the air out of Taehyung’s lungs but he manages to recover quickly. “You may be a good girl but you’ve got a dirty mouth.”

You smirk. “What are you going to do about it?”

The sound of his metal belt buckle clinks from his end. “Touch yourself right now. Play with your clit and we’ll see if you’ve still got that nasty mouth of yours when you’re begging me to cum.”

You raise your brows. “I fully intend on cumming at least once in your presence tonight, professor, whether I have your permission or not.”

“Call me Taehyung.” He takes a moment to reflect on the current situation versus the dynamic you had only minutes ago. “Why now? Why did you initiate—”

“My grades go above all else. I didn’t want to jeopardize any of that,” you answer. “And I also waited for your sake.”

“My sake? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were doing this to secure your grades,” he muses.

“Nothing boosts my ego like getting an A-plus based solely off my hard work,” you answer. “Fucking my hot professor is for my own personal pleasure.”

You description makes it sound so typical, just another everyday thing like washing the dishes. Are you using him? Deep inside, the thought of you using him arouses him. He wants to be used by you.

“You’re gorgeous,” he whispers, suddenly absorbed by you and the way you carefully orchestrated this interaction. How long did you think about this moment? Were you afraid of rejection?

“I know. Everyone likes me but I always want what I can’t have.” You wink. “Life’s more fun that way.”

Fun. “Enough talk. Let me see.”

“Yes, of course,” you stutter, caught off guard by the sudden shift in conversation. You don’t mind his demands or commanding tone. In fact, you invite them.

“Slide back,” he instructs you. “I want to see everything.”

You swallow and obey immediately, rising to pull your chair further away from the camera. You take the chance to slip off your sweatpants which leaves you in nothing but your underwear and tank top. Your underwear isn’t fancy but it’s what’s below that he’s interested in.

You lower yourself onto the seat, not bothering to keep your legs pressed together. You spread your knees slowly, as if your legs were a book with pages waiting to be read.

“Good. Open up more and show me how bad you want it,” he says. The smile in his voice urges you on.

Your hand creeps along the stretchy waistband of your underwear. The material works against you, forcing your wrist against your pelvis and the area you so desperately wish to touch. You have to be patient since you seek to milk this moment for as long as possible.

Your middle finger searches for any sign of dampness and you gasp when you find a small pool already built up at your core. When you look back at the monitor to see what he’d like you to do next, you watch as he adjusts himself into a similar position to yours.

“Your turn. Take off your shirt,” you instruct.

He raises his eyebrows. A mischievous smile dawns on his face. “Why?”

“Because I said so.”

“So demanding. That’s what got us here in the first place,” he remarks but proceeds to unbutton his shirt.

“I’m not afraid to go out and get what I want.”

“I know, and I admire you for it,” he says. His shirt begins to crinkle as he unbuttons lower and lower until eventually, the front parts to reveal his chest. His abs are soft and his warm honey skin looks smooth. You wonder what it would it taste like.

As he rolls up his sleeves, you observe every movement of his hands. They’re large. One of the first things you noticed about him when he spoke in class and lead discussions. You always wondered what his hands would look like if they were doing something else entirely... Now, your fantasies have come to life.

You force your jaw closed but he’s already caught you staring. “Like what you see?” he asks through his low lids.

“Oh, please. As if you don’t know you’re attractive as hell.”

A low laugh emerges from the man and you smile. If only you could bottle it up and keep it. When he reaches into his pants, you follow along, taking the slick from your finger up to your clit in one smooth stroke. You hum and bite at your lips to contain your reaction.

He shakes his head. “Don’t hide it. You sound beautiful.”

Your other hand starts to wander as you go to work on your clit. From your head to your chest, you seek something to ground you as your soft bud puffs with pleasure. No longer does it hide, tucked away beneath the crevices of your lips. You grind against it using your hand and a slow swivel of your hips from left to right.

“You’re doing so good. I’m so proud of you,” coos Taehyung. “Your body was made for this. For pleasure.”

The sight of him gripping the base of his cock is almost enough to send you over. A light glaze of sweat builds on your forehead but you make no effort to wipe it. Taehyung wishes to feel the heat of your body on his. It’s probably better than anything he could ever imagine.

Perhaps now more than ever, he longs for the days before the virus took over and broke everyone apart. He misses those times so much he could cry, especially since he took them for granted. At the same time though, he thinks about the effort those close to him have made to keep in contact. Even old friends he hadn’t spoken to in years called to catch up with him. His students have stuck out the most out of anyone. One or two of them don’t even own laptops but they show up to class on time and bring their A-game. He believes he should take a note or two from them.

As he studies you, the way you squirm in delight, and the way your body responds to the ministrations of your hand, a wave of relief washes over him. If it weren’t for these circumstances, he wouldn’t have had this moment with you.

“Taehyung,” you moan, bringing him back.

The sound of you calling his name shoots heat straight to his cock. With the precum glistening at the top, he grabs his cock and works the tip using his thumb. “Fuck. Look at what you do to me,” he groans at the sensitivity.

“Please,” you take in a breath and continue, “t-tell me more.”

If praise is what you want, praise is what you’ll get. “You’re so hardworking in everything that you do. Look at you now. Touching yourself just for me.”

“Yes, yes.” You moan as your fingers settle into the one position that feels like you’ve struck gold.

“How far inside can those fingers go? I bet you can put them in real deep.”

It’s as though your hands were waiting for his approval. You slip inside your clenching, gaping hole using two fingers. They slide in easily but the initial stretch is foreign since it’s been so long.

Taehyung groans and for the first time tonight, you begin to see him lose control. His cool exterior sinks into the pleasure of his hand—and of you—leaving him a sweaty, desirable mess. His hair sticks to his forehead and his stomach clenches with each stroke of his hand. He moves slowly, trying to match the pace of your hand. You pick up speed and allow your body to move against the rhythm of your hand. Your insides feel warm and soft and slippery. You close your eyes and imagine he’s the one fingering you with those gorgeous hands of his.

The rubber band of pleasure in your stomach begins to stretch. The squelch of your pussy grows louder with each passing second.

Taehyung is well-endowed but never did you imagine his dick would expand so much in length and girth. He could spear your pussy in one fell swoop, destroying your insides and anything else that gets in his way.

“Taehyung, I’m close,” you say with a sigh. You barely have the energy to speak.

“Fuck, me too,” he adds. “I’m almost there. Cum with me.”

His hand travels from base to tip and each part of the journey is smoother than the last. He massages each vein and ripple and moves even faster when he catches a glimpse of the uneven quiver of your thighs. Heat churns in his stomach and all he can do is chase it desperately. He needs it like oxygen, to breathe in the sight of you along with the pleasure of his nether regions.

The rubber band snaps. It strikes you in waves, each crash stronger the last. You let the waves overtake you and succumb to the burst of pleasure spreading through your limbs. You pull out your hand and clench around nothing as the sensitivity forces your legs closed.

Just when you thought things were over, Taehyung makes a request: “Taste it.”

You waste no time in taking your fingers to your mouth, gliding your tongue on the pads of your fingertips, and spreading the salty fluid in your mouth. All you can focus on is the heavenly sight of Taehyung coming. Each breath he lets out comes with a moan. You swear you can feel the vibration of his low voice against your own chest. His hair covers his eyes but you know they’re closed in pleasure. He intakes one sharp breath before it finally takes him over.

He can feel nothing but release. Release of stress. Release of work. Release of anything except you. As white spurts of cum squirt from his dick in a messy stream of strings, all you can think about is the beauty of his body.

“This was fun,” you admit with a smile. “I’m glad my attempt didn’t flop.”

“No, that would’ve been a huge mistake on my part.”

As you look down, your eyelashes brush the top of your cheeks and you bite your lip in anticipation. “I know I’m graduating and all, but we should do this again sometime. If you’re interested.”

He rests his elbows on his desk and brings himself closer to the camera. With his hand holding the side of his face, he takes in the sweet sight of you. “Did you enjoy it that much?”

“Oh yes. In fact, unlike some people, I’d give you an A-plus.”

[virghogh]

NCT Birth Charts x Hexaco Results Analyses pt. 2

recently NCT Dream were on a new reality show called Mental Training Camp where they are doing a variety of activities and all of their behavior and interactions are being analyzed by professional psychologists.

ofc my virgo sun mercury ass was thrilled and I had their birth charts pulled up the whole time to cross reference.

I wanted to share some of my personal thoughts on how the 2 might connect!

p.s. Thank u for all the likes on part one !!<3

part 1 // part 2 // part 3

**key: in the hexaco charts the blue represents the Dreamies, the orange is an average result of 300 college students who took the same test**

Renjun - “An artist down to the bones”

✨aries sun // scorpio moon // pisces mercury // pisces venus // taurus mars✨

can i just start with a wow cause!! This title is so bold and what they continued to talk about with him, and when looking at his chart... there is much to unpack here so let’s get into it

they started off his analysis focusing on how much of an “artist” he is. They said 2 qualities a great artists needs is openness and emotionality and he scored way above average in those areas, and the highest of those in his whole group. Looking at his placements I think anyone could tell this person is highly creative. With his 2 pisces placements and water moon in scorpio. There’s a lot more going on with that moon sign than just creativity, but it is a common trait amongst water moons!

I feel like his water energy is responsible for more of his imagination? If you watch a lot of NCT content you can see just how imaginative Renjun is. Especially in the relay vlogs when he was taking us through his art all I could think was wow this guy has crazy (good) imagination! the reason I mention this is because he has a taurus mars. taurus is ruled by venus where we get a lot of our creativity from and it’s a known thing that taurus placements always bring natural creativity. I really think the combination of water imagination with taurus art is a beautiful combo.

 On top of his natural talent in creativity and imagination, scorpio moons absolutely need an outlet. He was truly blessed with placements that give him that outlet <3 They mentioned he could be a poet and scorpio moons are always being recommended to write poetry. His art is essential to his mental and emotional health. 

something really interesting is how they mentioned that mark has traditional leader energy, but Renjun has a “mother-like” leader energy. I thought that was so sweet and really accurate for him. They mentioned how throughout the intro he would scan the others eyes a lot and make contact very subconsciously and with ease. Taking everyone into account. I see this a lot in his 2 pisces placements. I feel like a lot of pisces makes someone very sensitive, in-tune with people and caring/compassionate. And with the slower, calmer taurus mars it gives him a gentle approach. He has this strong bull/ram influence from his aries sun and mars, his driving forces, that gives him initiative and a strong voice. when these 2 connect I feel like it makes a mom bear kind of thing. 

They also said it seems when he scans like that he is almost analyzing and observing, “gathering opinions”. Scorpio moons have hawk eyes, they’re always observing micro-actions and reactions. He is mostly observing with care so he can pay attention and accommodate! But I think having a scorpio moon just makes him naturally tune in to people a lot more and gives him a sharper eye. 

I wanted to put him and Jisung in the same post because they’re both scorpio moon kings, and I wanted to talk about how this really intense moon sign plays out in 2 very different people. I have a scorpio moon too, so seeing 2 idols I like with their own scorpios moons is very interesting to me! 

at one point the psychologists verbal report took a turn and all i could think about was that scorpio moon! After they finished telling him about his artists traits, they said “there is one thing you should look out for”, and it was that people like him tend to get lonely easily and often/a lot and Renjun quickly agreed! They said that since he’s with good friends a lot, it helps, but in the future he could get very lonely and experience it more than the average person. This is so textbook scorpio moon I honestly felt like he was speaking right to me and my scorpio moon for a second. From one scorpio moon to another, I’m so glad he has people around him. 

then they asked him when he typically gets lonely the most and he responded with “it just comes to be out of the blue” u poor scorpio moon bb😭. I don’t know how serious he was about this word but he said he will be depressed on the nicest days sometimes. 

there was another story Mark was telling thin time about Renjun. They went out to a meal together on a beautiful day and Mark comments on how nice out it is and Renjun just responds with “I’m depressed”. There are so many traits of his scorpio moon coming through here. With the moon being in such an intense, deep and dark sign, it is in detriment here. It’s a really rough placement for your emotions. Water moons in general are known for being quite moody and sulky, sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and very randomly. There doesn’t always have to be a trigger. I feel like his pisces-scorpio are really like teaming up a lot when it comes to his expressions and emotions. 

In the last post I mentioned how I think Jeno and Mark are lucky to have fire moons because they could get really hard on themselves or down/depressed if they had earth or water moons. Renjun is a good example of what I meant. With his Taurus mars, earth signs are known for being down and hard on themselves a lot and I think the combination of a earth mars and scorpio moon is tough. taurus likes to be alone a lot too and I could see him maybe in the future develop a tendency to isolate when he’s having a scorpio moon moment and feels like the world is ending (again, being around people must be really helping him). I also see his aries sun maybe being another way to help express that scorpio moon. It might feel less like he has to keep all of these scorpio feelings to himself, it’s easier for him to let it out. It’s also worth noting that having a scorpio moon and taurus mars means they’re in opposition! Giving him even more depth and intensity. 

as for the hexaco chart, based off just his chart I don’t know if I would have guessed his openness was that high with his scorpio and taurus?? But other than that I think his hexaco is very spot on for him! His agreeableness is slightly below average👀 umm yes hi aries sun and fixed moon and mars. His extroversion is pretty much average but that average to me tells me someone is more on the extroverted side or maybe in the middle? Being in the middle would make sense to me because I think he definitely has potential to isolate. I’m curious to see what his houses are! I’ve seen a lot of talk that he’s a cancer rising and I buy it because it would put his sun in 10th, and moon in 5th but that’s a whole other topic...

That emotionality is wonderfully high. His openness and expression/ reactions are one of my favorite things about him. He’s truly a little aries hot head at times. I feel like aries in big 6 often gives this kind of ease with expression and straightforwardness like I was saying about mark. Similar to Chenle though, I think even though Renjun is open, he isn’t an open book and has his deep thoughts and secrets. I see his openness more in that he will always be there for people and listen/help peoples problems. He’s the kind of person to meet someone and if he can tell they’re struggling he’d offer his ear or shoulder even if they’re not close. He’s welcoming. 

tldr; has intense imagination and creative abilities, he is very welcoming, compassionate, attentive and caring. Mom vibes. He is very moody and gets down a lot, his friends and artistic expression are essential. He is very expressive, passionate and hot headed but has a lot of patience.

Jisung - “Shy Perfectionist” 

✨aquarius sun // scorpio moon // aquarius mercury // aquarius venus // aries mars✨

Jisungs section in this show was reallyyy short they didn’t say much and moved on kinda quick😅 I’ll be honest Jisung has always kinda confused me especially when I try to understand his chart and what i see in the videos. So not getting a lot of information from this episode either (yet! the show is ongoing) is tough

As far as the title they gave him🥺chart or no chart I think it’s a good title for him and how he appears in content and stuff he is true baby. In their verbal report they basically just said he’s shy and then talked a lot about how he has very good “follower” qualities. They were saying having a good follower is also a really important quality in a group though. And jisung agreed with what they were saying. That’s pretty much all we got from them😅

Honestly if I could only have one members guaranteed full chart I’d want it to be Jaemins or Jisungs because Jisung has an aquarius stellium! And the house it’s in could tell us so much more about him. Typically when I think of or meet aquarius I don’t pin them as a shy type? I could see some of them preferring to stick to themselves but they still operate pretty well in social situations. So Jisung’s painfully shy personality we see is interesting to me. Where I definitely do see his aqua and scorpio working together is in how anxious and nervous he is. He’s a worrier too and has admitted it. Also I’ve heard the combination of aquarius and scorpio makes someone intensely intuitive to future events, so I feel like if jisung is unaware of this gift it could contribute to his high anxiety. Maybe he gets feelings of “something bad is about to happen” a lot for seemingly no reason👀

Another very aquarius trait is of course they’re weirdooos through and through! And what I’ve noticed about the aquarius weird trait is how many different kinds of weird there are because aquarians are always weird in such different ways. I definitely think Jisung is a weird guy, or quirky? You can almost see the gears grinding in his head when he’s contemplating and then he’ll do something “weird” after that! Weird, or just off beat. And what I love about the way jisungs lil aquarius mind works is you can tell those weird moments are purely just how he really is and thinks, and it’s not to be funny or for the cameras, he just processes information and thinks completely different from everyone else. 

Since we know jisung is shy I feel like a lot of his aquarius and scorpio mood comes out off camera so we won’t get to see that side! But I’m sure it’s there.

I think Jisung’s scorpio moon is a good example of how different it can be. To go from a very emotionally charged chart to one that is being dominated by air is quite different. With Renjun, I was talking about how his water and fire give him the ability to be in touch with and express his scorpio moon more. But with an air dominant chart I feel like hinders that ability and creates a more detached person. Not that he’s cold, not emotional, or not compassionate. But just that he probably prefers to “just not think” about certain stressful or emotional topics. But the problem with that is it doesn’t mean emotions are gone and scorpio is very hard to ignore, so he’s probably internalizing a lot of stuff v deeply or is surprised when emotions come, what feels like, out of nowhere,.. Jisung also has an aries mars though! I feel like the openness of the aries mars combining with the detachment of Aquarius sun could also contribute to sudden releases of emotion🤔 but be back to normal in minutes

I also wanna add that I feel like jisungs very follower personality and ability to just kinda let things happen or not take charge must be a result of the industry and being the maknae tbh, or it at least accentuated it 

For the hexaco chart I really want to comment on how high the honesty-humility is! In the first part I mentioned how aquarius and aries can be quite righteous signs. So this trait must be really played up in his chart because it seems he cares a lot about following the rules (could also be a result of industry). His emotionality is higher than average! For his chart I don’t know if I would have expected that but from watching him I think it totally lines up, maybe his aries mars is proving more of an outlet. 

I also wanna finish by adding that jisung is still super young and has been in this “baby” position for most of his life, and is literally the youngest out of a 23 person group lol and grew up in the industry so there’s more going on with that than just astrology <3

tldr; very shy, anxious and nervous, intuitive, an oddball, his community is important and helpful to him, easily reactive, but not very emotionally expressive, he’s level-headed, has a lot of growing to do🥺<3

part 3 coming soon!

feedback and thoughts are always welcome!

[petalsmooth]

Ok.

Let’s talk Lili.

First off we only know what stars put out about themselves or other people say about them. We are not friends with these people. We are not in their homes. We don’t usually hear what they say in unguarded conversation. What we know is what is out on social media with some highly distorted soundbites from chats or DM’s with her mother that were exposed.

We were initially presented a portrait pushed by her and her family no less of a middle class family with the standard girl next door hit it big narrative. Down to earth, relatable, somewhat quirky. Strong two parent supportive household. All that was missing were the apron and pearls.

This girl came out of the gates talking about a modernized Riverdale with two girls who would be actually close and not vying for the same redhead. Feel free to add/or correct along the way of course...especially early on when not following as closely.

We got very little in the way of insight into Cole and Lili because they were trying to keep it quiet even if there were hints together. Mostly during this period what fans were fed was that she was slightly awkward socially, maybe not the most intellectual but nice and harmless. She spoke of empowering women, independence, she constantly shut down the idea of Barchie and praised Bughead. Along through the year’s she would speak to social bullying or bullying in general. She would openly talk about struggles with mental health. She’d talk and show her cystic acne and share photos not all airbrushed in ode to body positivity. She’d talk about not having an hourglass figure, and cellulite and often go out in ratty shorts and a bun sans makeup. You see she’d talk about it then follow through by showing lived the walk or calling out photoshops done of her.

Again this is “relatable girl next door quirky Lili” we told was the REAL Lili.

She would frequently talk and post about her family and dogs at home and how much she loved and missed them...though oddly not so much her older sister.

At a certain point it became undeniable Cole and Lili were together to even the hardest deniers. Of course also the Met gala eventually made official for media.

We get have her liking posts such as Miley’s about how lucky she was to have a man who checked off all the boxes. But at times there were glimpses all wasn’t kosher. People have mentioned various cons where she’d be caught flirting somewhere else, or she’d be in a bad mood giving Cole a cold shoulder. We recently saw an old video of them walking and her basically demanding he drop the fans and attend her. We have the con were Camilla is sexually harassing Cole everywhere and Lili doesn’t shut it down until Camilla tries to grind on him. It was so bad even Mads intervened. We have the interview where she is talking over him or rolling her eyes and basically being the unprofessional brat her fans claim she is not. Even though it’s ON CAMERA. Snapping at your co worker/boyfriend and rolling your eyes during a professional interview is not deniable.

Flashforward to the trip to Italy because for me there was always something off about that. That trip was obviously planned far in advance. Clearly Lili was supposed to be there. Her fans quickly blamed Cole because Lili was working. Lili didn’t have to work. It wasn’t a career changing move to do that film. It did not do well. I’m not entirely sure what was happening around that time but I have the sense Cole was disappointed/a  little angry she prioritized it over him accepting very likely the offer AFTER the trip was planned.

Lili spirals during this time. Cole comes back to clean up mess. They are quiet on social media for a long time then slowly emerge again and eventually get the photo booth shots, the wedding and her mingling with NY friends for once. Turns out close to the end for them.

I don’t want to make this a Sprousehart post though although some relevance to bring part of it up. The point is Lili put her career over her relationship. It was a calculated decision. It was also the wrong decision. Her fans talk about her being this warm giving person but that was a cynical call and a pretty lousy thing to do to your boyfriend of several year’s. I’m all for supportive partners but there are time’s where you make sacrifices if you really care for someone and this was a special trip planned long in advance. She blew it off. If I’m the partner she does this too, I question why I’m putting in the effort if it doesn’t mean to them what it means to me. 

TBH I think the bad choices she made there is why tried to make it up by meeting with his friends, the wedding etc...

Something than clearly happened because by January they were done. Not sure we’ll ever know but it looked like they were trying to fix things given the happiness hadn’t seen on Cole’s faces in a long time in those booth pics and then...it was done. We didn’t know at the time, but this is timeline Cole gave. There was a brief attempt at reconciliation where she babysits him at a photo shoot and posts a photo of them in bed and then shortly after...Cole calls it off. 

He heads to LA, she follows him there but not without making sure to shove Casey’s face into her chest to post and rent a place close to where he is staying. She posts weepy messages about the world ending etc....and weird new photos mimicking old shoots with him so naturally people think this means whatever happened they worked through. Around same time she and hers manipulated her fans to try to cancel him earlier because she misunderstood a picture of Kaia....although flat out if he had been with Kaia he was SINGLE and it was no longer her business.

She tries to walk back the firestorm she unleashed on him by “defending” him from a lesser twitter trend after realizing misconstrued the Kaia picture, All summer she weirdly seems to be trying to avoid the topic if they are together or not despite saying once if they weren’t she’d tell people. She finally puts her foot in her mouth one two many times' and Cole confirms they broke up which she doesn’t acknowledge. Because she doesn’t want to be broken up.

As we know know it wasn’t all rainbows on the set even before all this happened as in the musical she’d launched an object at him hard enough to have the crew concerned. Lili fans keep saying Cole is abusive but the only evidence we have of abuse is her towards him. We also had her suddenly doing a 180 from past 4 year’s and excusing cheating with Archie and promoting everyone in her live recaps except Cole/Jughead.

Back to the events following Cole’s post....then we get a sudden string of interviews taking shots at Cole, doxxing him, implying he could have strayed (just to resurrect hate against him) but can’t say he actually did because she has no proof. We know this because in those chats admit it was just suspicion and paranoia and never did have any names.

We learn that Lili has been funneling news and gossip and photos to keep her mother’s hold on the fandom in check and her mother in turn has been bullying people who would stand on Cole’s side. They sought to ruin him. This is not debatable.

For year’s people had made fun and called Bree out for being an obsessive stalker unable to let a relationship go, then Lili starts doing the same. We know she has tried to copy Ari’s style, her mother made a snide comment about breast size, Lili tried to taunt Ari from on set and Ari shut her down. A girl who almost never was in the line of sight of paps suddenly is snapped everyday following break up even before the public new. That doesn’t just happen. She wanted the attention.

I’m not going to go into all of it, you all know it. Suffice to say revealing she has a bitter vindictive attitude she has submersed herself in ever since Cole made it clear no reunion. She won’t even broach the topic of Bughead/Jughead unless forced. You can spin all you like but the split screens was not an artistic choice by RD. It was spurred by need to keep them apart.

Lili last summer was doing precious little other than a post or two of Black Lives matter and then when Cole gets arrested suddenly she jumps on the me too and sets up impulsive lives. Maybe she meant well but a part of me thinks she did it to attract his attention. Notice once she got praise for it and the initial protests faded she more or less doesn’t bring it up anymore. Cole never intended to get attention, it just happened because he’s a star and got taken in to a jail cell. He never put himself on camera for notice. 

Lili also co-opts the murder of a girl to flaunt she thinks she looks good naked. Completely tone deaf. 

Lili very rarely is seen in fan photos, only usually when she’s getting flack for it online. She, a girl who talks about bullying, went on a  midnight tirade against a guy who dares to critique or poetry setting her fans on him. Then deleted it probably because publicist in her ear.

She first said poems not about Cole, than said you could read into what you wanted to sell them. Now she doesn’t want to talk poetry or sequels because it flopped and was critically panned.

There are constant rumors about Lili on sets of productions to point they even had someone on her newer movie try to downplay. Yet we see in a video the cast barely talking and looking tense on a boat. 

The girl who used to talk about body positivity now lets them airbrush abs onto her.

The girl who used to talk of therapy and mental illness now promotes OTC supplements for $ and cults.

If she mentions cellulite she uses other tik toks of people showing not her own. 

She said she would never be on tik tok, yet now has her own and post old videos that aren’t funny.

Lili once tired to attack Cole by talking about losing yourself in drugs or alcohol or sex yet we’ve seen her drug paraphernalia because she advertises. Her friends post and laugh over her being drunk. She was in an off and on relationship with Wallis that doesn’t seem to be about anything but sex.

We were told Coles friends are bad influences but Taylor is out there solicitating questionable clients and making videos slamming LILI’S COWORKER as a bad actor and his brother,

The majority of Lili’s posts no longer feature Sunny or her family/Addy. 

She insulted Vancouver, compared to a prison, and made it clear her creature comforts were of more importance than a pandemic. Not quite the attitude of an empath. Which she claims she is with intention to be a master which require sucking more gullible people into the cult.

She brags about being a “rich man” without understand the context. She went from artistic photos to modeling pinups to fuel her lack of self esteem.

She’s in her mid 20′s, claims she had grown and matured in the last year but there is no evidence of it. Still can’t work with her ex without buffers which still influences show direction though her fans deny.. Still lives off junk food and hangovers. Those glasses aren’t just for sun. Her timeline is mostly an ode to her vanity with pictures of herself and then her dog. She doesn’t seem to have any causes she’s deeply involved in on the side apart from her cult. She’s still stalking Cole as her impulsive makeup tutorial showed. She said she cut out of her life anyone who doesn’t service her. I highly doubt she is receiving quality therapy on the regular right now. She still does not seem to possess the ability to own her mistakes and apologize when warranted, rather deflects or erases when heat becomes too hot.

The content she puts out about herself post break up is very different than the bill of goods fans were sold before. She is a far cry from that quirky girl next door that stood FOR something more than vanity and shallow affirmation. So no, I don’t see what you see in her stans. Everything that once seemed to distinguish her from other spoilt princesses has long faded. 

[trulyhumblenarcissist]

Abourt Rei Himura and BNHA Chapter 301

Now that I've read the official release of chapter 301 I can finally try to gather my thoughts. I think this time the particular rendition of dialogues and inflections provided by Caleb Cook is more crisp and clear than usual, especially in throwing "shade" upon Endeavor as a father figure. But let's do things in order...

Title: THE WRONG WAY TO PUT OUT A FIRE - a simple, but stark message that doesn't leave space for ambiguity. There was a fire, an imminent tragedy that could and should have been avoided, but whoever tried to fix it, did it all wrong and now we have to deal with a huge arson.

CARLESS HANDLING OF FIRE, on the other hand, doesn't quite cut it for me, because it seems like everything was caused by a foolish mistake. "I was carless and now I'm in a pinch"- type of situation, while it's perfectly clear that Endeavor and Rei decided purposefully which "strategy" to use with Touya. A BAD one to say it lightly. Rei's contribution and complicity is debatable, of course, and I'll touch on this later.

Let me get this clear though: I'm not trying in any way to critique the hard work of unofficial translators. I can't say anything relevant because I'm not a translator in the first place (I can barely understand English and my native language on a good day) and also because I am so grateful for everything they do in order to give us really good material FREE OF CHARGE basically a second after the release in Japan. I'm just interested about the different shades of subtext we can catch if we read the story through multiple filters. Every translation is unique because it carries the personal spin of the author even if the bias should be inexistent or ideally undetectable...

However, back to the chapter

REI'S CAGE

The first scene opens on a luxurious classic Japanese villa, with Enji, Rei and her parents discussing the motivation behind Enji's proposal. Or at least we initially think that's what's going on... Because in reality Rei's family couldn't care less about the motivation. Everything these people see is a wealthy, famous guy the next number one hero ready to take their daughter in marriage. I guess the Himuras are pretty broke, thight on cash, their old prestige is definitely gone and all they can do to save themselves from shame and poverty is "to sell" their only remaining asset.

During the whole ordeal, Rei is standing still, silent, cold as ice. She knows she doesn't really have a choice. How mortifying and sad is this? An adult, capable woman has no agency whatsoever, she is used again and again and she stoically accepts this treatment from every single dominant figure in her life until she can't be stoic anymore. I really hope Horikoshi's going to give her a much more proactive role in saving her family and it seems the narrative wants us to expect this type of character development.

I'd like to point out 2 panels in particular:

First one

In this scene the Todorokis are back from their trip to the doc, who clearly said they shouldn't try to conceive a child with a perfect quirk mix because it is dangerous (and morally questionable too). Rei understands this fact and tries to dissuade Enji, but he doesn't listen, because he's projecting all his pent-up resentment and frustration onto Touya. He knows how it feels to crush against an unbreakable wall, since he can't surpass All might and his son can't too. He had to learn this truth the hard way, so Touya needs to do the same. Enji is purposefully throwing upon his son years of failures, self consciousness and despair, just because the boy has to get it into his thick skull that he is a dud, just like his father. This is not a hopeless dad making a mistake bona fide, this is a broken man trying to destroy his self reflection by proxy, annihilating everything Touya is, swiping the kid's identity under the rug. He describes his son's dreams and sadness as something birthed from stubbornness. He is auto-convincing himself however (because Endeavor is not stupid). A little bit later he's basically saying: "Touya let's play make believe! We can go on like everything I had engulfed in your psyche never existed, you're a failed attempt so you don't exist. Your needs and wants are silly and useless, nothing worth dealing with now that I can't make you my prodigy. Why don't you go play with the other failures so that I don't have to look at myself while taking actually care of you. I don't want to see you, because it's too painful, because you're a remainder of my own inadequacy."

Note: If you want to read an incredibly well done analysis about Endeavor's motives and psyche, you can get it on @thyandrawrites , she's dwelt on everything extensively and way better than me.

I really want to talk about Rei though. In the panel I showed above, her expression is a bit tricky to analyse. At first she is very vocal about her position. She doesn't want to put Touya through useless suffering, especially since they have a scientific reason not to. They have no guarantee of success with other children, besides, they could possibly have to deal with other health related issues. However, all it takes to convince her in the end is Enji's half assed attempt at the "It's for Touya's sake" shtick. Is it really? Why doesn't she question her husband anymore?

Well... I think before Natsuo, she was probably hoping Touya would let go "naturally", with time and growth, maybe by taking interest in his other siblings. Rei said she wanted to have more children because in her mind they would have supported and loved each other. Maybe she was naive enough to think that a big family full of kids few years apart from each other was all Touya needed to distract himself from his purposes... BUT and here is the point I want to get across: She was deluding herself too, much like Enji. The ugly truth, in my opinion, is that Rei is a person prone to protect herself by going with everything other people want, especially if said people are capable of hurting her. Yes, she was hurt time and time again, but what would have happened if she really tried to stop Enji?

What I am trying to say is that Rei is the kind of person who endures to survive. She holds a "captive" mentality in which, by indulging her captor's desires, she can continue living with less possibile damage. If I stay still and silent, if I don't make a scene, I can go on, I can hold onto the few things I have that actually make me happy.

Let's think about it... Enji was so obsessed with his psychotic, power-hungry quest that he would have probably disown Rei. She would have been thrown away for a more compliant woman with an ice quirk, or something similar, this resulting in her probably losing everything, the respect and love of her family (the Himuras) and also her own children. Because we know Endeavor can definitely hold a grudge and is vendicative.

So, clarifying, Rei doesn't put up a fight because she is scared for herself in a way... She is scared to be hurt in the worst possible way (by losing her little bit of serenity), so her strategy is to endure and to keep up a facade of control and purpose.

Rei, ironically just like Touya and other characters in mha, doesn't really get what unconditional love is. Her family loves her until she can be useful to the Himura name and status, her husband loves her for her quirk. Her children, however, love her for who she is and she wants to stay with them... Only to be forced to leave them later anyway.

The few times Rei actually smiles are when she is with her babies. She is a deeply loving mother in her core, but her declining mental health makes her a very lacking caregiver.

This panel, in my opinion, shows the point of no return for Rei. She can't keep the glacial facade forever...

After Natsuo's turn to be deemed a failure, Endeavor is crazier than ever, because All Might is as popular and loved as ever and he hasn't make any progress into his eugenetic games. The last two images of Rei are very telling. She is exhausted, but she knows what her husband wants from her this time too. She looks like a lifeless doll and honestly I can easily see Shouto's conception as... Non consensual and I will stop here.

Then Shouto is born, the last, perfect specimen... And Rei isn't doing much for Touya, we can see she's apparently blind towards her eldest son's distress already after Natsuo's birth... But why?

Because she is actively avoiding to face the Touya's problems too.

If Touya is still suffering, is still feeling stressed and worthless, then everything Rei has endured, everything she pretended not to feel for the sake of her family has been completely useless. What Rei cannot look at is her own parental failure, is the concrete proof that while protecting herself and her peace she did not protect her children too, because the two interests were never really aligned, even if she really believed so. She never had a functional family to preserve in the first place and everything she accepted to do was all for the sake of a false sense of belonging.

However is too easy to say she should've rebelled against Enji and dumped his sorry ass. Abuse traps you and your abuser too in a cage tricky to escape.

What I imagine will happen next chapter is one of two things:

Enji stops Touya by using brute force, probably also saying something really scarring to reinforce the notion that Shouto is the only child he cares about.

Rei stops Touya by using her quirk. This act could be considered by Touya another confirmation that even his mother actually does something by her own accord only when Shouto's safety is at risk

Necessary conclusions

I don't blame Rei for her actions too much. She is a victim turned abuser by circumstances, but more importantly she's actually taken mesures to prevent herself from hurting her children again. She's trying to heal for her family's sake, really this time. Ten years spent dealing with guilt and having actual therapy seem a good plan to me. And now she's the one ready to snap Enji back to reality.

Enji, on the other hand, is trying too. It's too little too late, but if he stops avoiding reality and hardly works on understanding his family's point of view I don't think he is completely unredeemable. I don't see him surviving his last confrontation with Touya, thought... But I could be totally wrong.

Obviously everything I've said it's my personal analysis on Rei's character, as I interpret her actions and words, so feel free to contradict me and/or to add anything you might see fit.

[ivanabaqero]

Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out. 

Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.

I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened. 

Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.

 I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.

Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone  resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.

The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication. 

That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.

The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four  breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore. 

The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish  for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not. 

With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.

I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am  back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.

If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started. 

[jbbarnesnnoble]

JBBarnesNNoble's 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Challenge 2021

Hello lovely people! And welcome to the 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge. The aim of this challenge is to shine a light on mental health, medical conditions, and the things that can have impacts on us. This started out initially being a PCOS Awareness challenge last year but through conversations with other writers over Discord, it evolved into a Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge last year. I’m reusing some of the unused prompts from last year’s challenge and adding in some new ones!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. The goal of this challenge is to lift each other up, and show that it’s okay not to be okay. Spread some love and light during a challenging time in the world to those who struggle with chronic illness, depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, grief, PCOS, acceptance from their families and communities for being LGBT+, and anyone struggling with insecurity.

This challenge will run through July 31st, 2021. It will run through Mental Health Awareness Month, Pride Month, and the month of July to give people time to write. You can submit it at any time. I probably have too many prompts, but I wanted to ensure that there was a wide array to choose from. Please don’t hesitate to message me if I haven’t interacted with your fic after a few days! Sometimes the tag system doesn’t work and I miss things!

The Rules:

1. Utilize resources available online if you’re dealing with subject matter you’re not that familiar with. I’m not going to go all “cite sources” on y’all, but please do make sure to do your research. Writing about some of these issues can be hard if you don’t have first hand knowledge of how it can affect you. The goal of this challenge is to write about topics that we tend to shy away from, that many of us struggle with, from mental health struggles to chronic illnesses to low-self esteem. A gentle reminder that if you think writing about a subject will be triggering for you, please look after yourself first.

2. Use #JBBNNMHAM21 to tag your fic

3. Dark!Fic- Due to the subject matter involved in this challenge, please don’t submit dark!fic. I enjoy dark fics, but this challenge isn’t the place for them.

4. Smut- Smut is welcome! Make sure you tag it appropriately.

5. No inc*st, dubcon/noncon, underage, etc

6. Ships- I prefer reader inserts, but show me what ya got.

7. NO JOHN WALKER FICS. Please. Please no. I beg of you.

8. Selecting Prompts: Just let me know which one you want to do! 2 people per prompt! The song prompts have a line from them under it. You DO NOT need to use the line in your submission! It’s mostly to help you decide if you’re interested in a song before you take a listen to it.

You also can alter the sentence and dialogue prompts as needed for grammar, be it altering the pronouns used or changing the pluralization of a word.

9. Trigger Warnings: Use warnings as needed. Fics dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or other mental health issues should be tagged appropriately to ensure that readers that may be triggered by the subject matter can avoid the fic. Trigger warnings are non-negotiable

The prompts are under the cut!

Prompts:

Dialogue Prompts:

“I feel like if I let go, if I move on, I’ll only be proving them right.”

“I don’t know. Am I? Because from where I’m standing it’s pretty damn clear that’s how you see me.”

“You don’t believe that do you? Tell me you don’t. Please.”

“It’d probably be easier if you left”

“Please leave me alone”

“Everyone’s got broken pieces. Some have more, some have less. It doesn’t make you less of a person to have those broken pieces.” @nekoannie-chan

“If it’s okay with you, I’ll take that shake now.”

“What’s the point if I’m going to end up breaking that promise too?”

“You sure about that, moonman?”

“It made you smile though. And that will always be a win in my book.”

“That’s not true. And I will tell you that every day of your life until you believe me.”

Sentence Prompts:

Feel free to adjust the pronouns as needed

It was a day. It was the only way it could be described.

Summer had a smell that reminded her of innocence and a time long since past.

In that moment, the world stopped spinning on its axis as it all shattered down around her.

Some things, there would never be a way to understand. @justrunamok

Like shattered glass, in that moment the illusion was broken.

Forever was a lie, just like everything else.

If you had another condescending doctor tell you your problem wasn’t a problem you were going to scream.

They’d say it was easy, like riding a bike. Except, you never learned how to ride a bike in the first place.

Today was going to be good. It had to be.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this was going south.

AU and Trope Prompts:

Soulmate @samsgoddess

College

Childhood Friends @tellmealovestory

Friends to Lovers

Enemies to Lovers

Musicians

Writer

Professional Athlete

Teacher

Coffee Shop

Fake Dating

Accidental Marriage

Royal

Librarian

Doctor

Song Prompts:

1. Nobody Ever Told You - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “Wish you could see yourself the way I do. Nobody ever told you, nobody ever told you. Shine like a diamond, glitter like gold, and you need to know what nobody ever told you”

2. Missing You - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “And if you need a friend, I’ll help you stitch up your wounds. I heard that you’ve been, having some trouble finding your place in the world. I know how much that hurts. But if you need a friend, then please just say the word.”

3. Barefoot and Bruised - Jamestown Story

Lyric Snippet: “Maybe when your sky comes crashing down, I can be your angel on the ground. If you get tired and can’t go on, I will carry you along, when the rocks below your feet wear out your shoes, when you’re barefoot and bruised”

4. Hold On Till May- Pierce the Veil

Lyric Snippet: “If were you, I’d put that away. See you’re just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you’ll be okay.”

5. If I Surrender - Citizen Soldier

Lyric Snippet: “If I surrender, surrender, to the monsters in me, will it set me free?”

6. Home - Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors, Beba Rexha

Lyric Snippet: “All these miles, feet, inches, they can’t add up to the distance that I have been through just to get to a place where even if there’s no closure I’m still safe. I still ache from trying to keep pace. Somebody give me a sign, I’m starting to lose faith”

7. Broken Arrows - Daughtry

Lyric Snippet: “The best of intentions I lay at your feet. And I need you to see past the worst part of me.”

8. Used - Serious Matters

Lyric Snippet: “The wounds are gone and the pain still lingers. But this time I won’t stand by, I don’t need you in my life”

9. According to You - Orianthi

Lyric Snippet: “According to you, I’m stupid, I’m useless, I can’t do anything right”

10. Let It Land - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And everything we hate is something we just bought along the line”

11. Cold As You - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away. And you come away with a great little story, of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you”

12. Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “Hold on, baby you’re losing it. The water’s high, you’re jumping into it, and letting go, and no one knows. That you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. And you’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.”

13. Human Interaction - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “I don’t know love. I don’t know hate. I am numb. Wish I could find the words to say. Asking please, as colors fade. I need to breathe. Before I turn the world to grey.”

14. Therapy - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything. Therapy you were never a friend to me, and you can keep all your misery”

15. Scars - Alison Iraheta

Lyric Snippet: “Do you know how hard I’ve tried to become what you want me to be. Take me, this is all that I’ve got, this is all that I’m not, all that I’ll ever be. I got flaws, I got faults, keep searching for your perfect heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, we’ve all got our scars”

16. Hurts to Know - 1551

Lyric Snippet: “I can’t remember what I did to earn you by my side. I can’t surrender. I’ll fight as long as you’re in my life”

17. Spinning Bottles - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “He’s in a hotel room, with the tv on. Getting lost in the static with the curtains drawn, knowing this could be the time that gets her gone for good, he’d quit if he could. But one down, two down, three down, four, can’t even recognize the man in the mirror anymore”

18. Praying - Kesha

Lyric Snippet: “Well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come. ‘Cause I can make it on my own. And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known.”

19. Jersey On the Wall (I’m Just Asking) - Tenille Townes

Lyric Snippet: “If I ever get to heaven, you know I got a long list of questions. Like how do you make a snowflake, are you angry when the earth quakes? How does the sky change in a minutes, how do you keep this big rock spinning? Why can’t you stop a car from crashing? Forgive me, I’m just asking”

20. Five More Minutes - Scotty McCreery

Lyric Snippet: “Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by like it ain’t nothing, wish I had me a, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. Give myself five more minutes”

21. Dad’s Old Number - Cole Swindell

Lyric Snippet: “Sometimes I forget, these ten digits ain’t my lifeline anymore. Every now and then I dial them up when life gets tough or when the Braves score. Sorry about the one ring hang ups, early morning and late night wake ups. It was just me. In case you wondered, you’ve got dad’s old number.”

22. The Other Side - Lauren Alaina

Lyric Snippet: “There’s gonna be a lot of sadness on a lot of happy days, I’ll try to think of this moment, this place”

23. I Was Here - Beyonce

Lyric Snippet: “So they won’t forget I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here. I did, I’ve done, everything that I wanted and it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here.”

24. Gone Too Soon - Simple Plan

Lyric Snippet: “Like a shooting star, flying across the room. So fast, so far, you were gone too soon. You’re a part of me. And I’ll never be the same here without you. You were gone too soon.”

25. Amelia - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And you will always be perfect, you’ll always be beautiful, our hearts, will never forget you. You didn’t belong here, and it’s become so clear why heaven called your name.”

26. Heaven Right Now - Thomas Rhett

Lyric Snippet: “When the whole crew gets together, memory lane goes on forever. We twist a top and pour a little Jack D out.”

[hyperfixationtimego]

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Like

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

[thespianbooks]

A Court of Nightmares and Starlight //Chapter 24//

Masterlist

(tags: @thron3ofbooks, @df3ndyr, @courtofjurdan, @art-e-mis, @herondamnn, @the-third-me, @im-still-trying-here, @emikadreams, @paytin77, @mis-lil-red, @sleeping-and-books, @lucieisabooknerd, @amandaraey-sunshine, @easy-p-lemon, @azymondias05, @dagypsygirl, @makeshift-utopia) *bold tags don’t work ;-;

I hope this chapter finds you well, and thank you for your patience while I took last week off from posting! Enjoy! ❤️

XXX

I was beginning to feel like this pregnancy would never end, and that I would never sleep again.

As the days stretched on, so did my belly, my skin, and, what felt like, the rest of my body. Along with my middle expanding to a depth I hadn't thought possible, so came the restless nights. From the beginning of my pregnancy, Sebastian had been a gentle glimmer, a beautiful heartbeat that pulsed between my mate and I. After a time, that glimmer was accompanied by light kicks and punches. Now, after a fitful two months filled with little hours of sleep and only growing increasingly uncomfortable by day, my once gentle and calm baby had grown boisterous—especially at night.

"He does hail from the Night Court," Rhys tried to reason as we lay in bed together—another sleepless evening looking to be ahead of us.

"That doesn't mean we never sleep," I complained as he caressed the large expanse of my belly.

His smile as apologetic as he pressed a kiss to my brow, lowering himself down to be eye level with my stomach. "You mustn't be so hard on your mother, Bash. You don't want to be on her bad side before you're born," he said.

I sighed as our son kicked in response, a glimmer flickering through our bond as Rhys watched my stomach; mesmerized as my skin stretched with Sebastian's movement. "I think that was his elbow I saw," he said, touching the spot gently.

My heart warmed at his reaction. "It was," I said. "But you addressing him directly isn't exactly enticing him to settle down in there."

"Right," he said, coming onto his elbows as if he could see our son through my shift and layers of skin and muscle. "Maybe some tea would help you sleep, it could settle you both."

I nodded. "Elain did mix together a new brew for me earlier, and I was able to nap right after...maybe it'll help again now," I said, pushing myself carefully.

"I'll get it for you, my love, you rest here," he said before pushing off the bed-still clad in the black clothes he wore during the day.

I watched him leave and stared down at my stomach, running my hands over it in a gentle caress. The growth I'd experienced in the last couple of months had been exponential, and I was delighted at every check in with Madja when she deemed both of us to be in good health. The midwife, the healer's sister, also regularly attended for my evaluations. She performed her own examinations, using her specialized magic to check on the baby's position and other attributes, like his size and weight—all within the expected range at this stage. At our last appointment earlier in the week, both the midwife and Madja declared that Sebastian had dropped low into my pelvis, head down, which was the correct position for birth. With that assessment, they also determined that I could now go into labor at any time. Although fae pregnancies tended to last up to five weeks longer than a human pregnancy, they assured us that females typically gave birth anywhere in between those weeks—depending on the development of their babes. Sebastian was now fully developed, healthy, strong, and ready to enter the world. Soon my period of nesting would begin and then I'd become reserved in preparation for the undertaking the birthing process would put my body through.

Initially, Rhys and I expected it to happen right away, causing my mate to go on high alert as he remained at my side for every second of the day. According to everything we had been told, as my mate, he would be the first one to sense the change in me. As the days passed, however, they went on as normal with no sign of my diffident state on the horizon. Instead, we followed the new routine and schedule Clotho created for us; meetings and usual court business officially taking place in Rhys's office where I could rest as needed in between work. After matters were settled with the Illyrians, and Mor officially taking her father's place as ruler of the Hewn City, all previous hostility in the Night Court dissipated.

"Elain had the tea ready for you." Rhys said as he re-entered our room, interrupting my thoughts, carrying a tray with a teapot, mug, and covered plates of food.

I pushed myself up with a grunt of effort, eyeing the tray. "What's all this?" I asked as he set the tray on the bed before coming to help me sit upright.

"Well, dinner was hours ago, and based on the past week alone, this is around the time your cravings start." He replied, uncovering the plates filled with an array of fruits, pastries, and a jar filled with pickled herrings.

I beamed. "You brought all of my cravings?"

He nodded. "Even the less desirable one," he answered with a glance at the container of herrings.

Rather than glare at him for his disdain for my cravings, I immediately grabbed the jar with glee. "It's not my fault your son demands I eat these," I countered.

"It's hard to argue that" he said with a smile, his violet eyes sparkling with adoration even as I ate one.

I sighed in content as I ate the entire contents of the jar, Rhys sitting adjacent to me and bringing my legs to rest over his lap as I leaned against the headboard for support. My sighs turned to groans of relief as he began to gently massage my ankles and feet, which had grown swollen recently thanks to walking around with my extraordinary weight.

"Don't worry, they'll shrink back to normal," Rhys assured me, making me realize my mental shields were left wide open for him.

"It's getting harder," I confessed with a sheepish smile. "To keep my shields up, concentrate on work, and lug around this belly."

Rhys nodded his understanding, still rubbing my feet. "You're allowed your discomforts right now my love. In your condition it's impossible to keep up the stamina all day," he sympathized.

"Which is why I need sleep," I said with a frown.

He reached over to the tray, pouring me a cup of the brew Elain had mixed together for me, having found the recipe and ingredients from an apothecary she found at the Palace of Bone and Salt. I eagerly took the steaming mug as he handed it to me, praying to the Mother it would settle my wriggling unborn child enough to afford me a good night's sleep.

"Hopefully with your cravings satisfied and this tea combined, you'll be asleep in no time." Rhys mused, voicing my thoughts aloud. "We wouldn't want you to be cranky during your surprise tomorrow afternoon."

I blinked. "What surprise?"

"If I told you that, it wouldn't be a surprise."

Prick.

He laughed outright. "Regardless, my lips are sealed. Your sisters and Mor have been planning this for months, and I won't spoil it."

I sighed. "I don't actually have to go anywhere do I?"

Rhys chuckled as I sipped at my tea. "No, the surprise is right here in our home," he reassured as he came to lay on his side, setting my feet back onto the bed and propping himself up on an elbow as his other hand caressed my stomach.

"Is the surprise actually for me, or for Bash?" I asked.

"My lips are sealed," he repeated before pressing a kiss to the hand lying idle on my belly. "But I have a feeling you'll enjoy it regardless."

I sighed in mock exaggeration. "I guess as High Lady I have no choice but to attend," I hummed.

"It would be strange not to, especially considering the location," Rhys added in his own playful tone.

"But I expect some recompense," I motioned to my large belly. "For my gallant efforts."

He returned with a roguish grin, "More foot rubs? Or maybe a back massage?"

I pretended to consider for a long moment, dragging it out as I sipped from my tea, before I finally nodded. "Both will do," I agreed.

His dark chuckle reverberated through the room, through me, as he moved onto his hands and knees to level our gazes and pressed a kiss to my brow—staying there for a minute. Setting my now empty mug aside, I brought my hands up to hold either side of his face; both of our eyes slipping shut as he remained hovering above me, breathing in each other's scent. After a minute of relishing each other's warmth, I couldn't help the yawn that broke from my throat as Rhys pulled back with a smirk.

"Let's get you to sleep," he said softly.

I nodded, my eyelids actually feeling heavy as he helped me into a side-lying position; using his magic to wave away the tray of leftover food as well as his day clothes, leaving him in only his undershorts as he lay beside me. It was here, in his continued warmth and lingering scent that I finally succumbed into a much-needed sleep.

XXX

I could still pick up on the residuals of Rhysand's scent when I awoke the next morning—or rather, the afternoon, judging from the way the sunlight shone through the gossamer curtains in our room. I stretched onto my back slowly with a yawn, a new tray of food showing up on the space beside me and a note popping up alongside it. I smiled as I grabbed it, reading the quick words my mate had written.

Have some breakfast my love and come join me in the nursery.

My smile warmed before I slowly pushed myself upright, my stomach growling—a not so subtle indication from Sebastian at how hungry we both were. I took my time eating through the assortment of food Rhys had picked out for me, knowing whatever awaited me in the nursery had something to do with the surprise my sisters and Mor had for me. Once we had returned from the Illyrian camps, following the coup, Elain finally completed all plans she had for the full reconstruction of the nursery, once our sitting room, and recruited Nesta and Mor to see to its fruition. For the last two months it was their project, one they made sure to exclude me from with the promise that it would be ready in time for the baby's arrival. Elain claimed it was an "aunt's only" venture, which I was happy to oblige to thanks to my continued exhaustive state.

Once my appetite had been sated, I tried using the momentum of my legs swinging over the edge of the bed to push myself up to standing...only to have my large belly prevent me from actually being able to sit up at all. I sighed in frustration, but before I could call Rhys through the bond, he was in the room and at my side in seconds.

I scowled as he took both my hands, hauling me up to my feet. "I officially can't even climb out of bed without help," I grumbled.

"Yes, well," he glanced at my stomach with a feline grin. "We saw that coming."

I sighed and ambled towards my armoire. "If you hadn't come, I would've been stuck there and never would've been able to join you for my surprise."

Rhys laughed. "I wouldn't have left you here all day, I promise," he said as he came to my side, grabbing a gown I didn't recognize from the far end of the armoire. "How about this?"

I stared at it as he hung it on the door of the armoire for display. It was a floor length, midnight blue maternity gown with off-shoulder long sleeves. The bust ruched in elegant pleats, creating an elegant sweetheart neckline, and would allow the rest of the soft fabric to fall and hang over my belly delicately.

I smiled at him. "Is it another gown your mother made for me?" I asked softly.

He nodded. "I've been waiting to pull it out for you. I think today would be the perfect opportunity."

"Will you help me into it?" I asked by way of agreement.

Rhys smiled, the rare and soft smile that always warmed me to my core. "Of course, Feyre darling."

After another half an hour spent helping me wash up in the bathing room, changing, and arranging my hair in a simple braided crown, I was ready. I laughed as I caught my reflection in the mirror.

"I look like I'm going to a party," I admitted.

"You are," Rhys confirmed as he looped his arm with mine, escorting me to the other end of our suite and to the double doors that led to the sitting room-now nursery.

Before I could question him further, he opened the doors to the nursery where all of our family awaited us. I barely noticed the smiles on their faces as I took in the transformed space. The once creme colored walls were now painted in a soft baby blue hue, a few clouds painted throughout. A dark-stained wooden cradle decorated with matching soft blue and white blankets nestled inside sat in the middle of the room, a plush carpet underneath and a weaved basket overflowing with stuffed toys sitting beside it. Hanging above the cradle, draped open delicately on either side of it, was a light grey canopy. Tears I hadn't realized gathered in my eyes fell when I blinked at the sight before me.

"What do you think, Feyre?" Elain asked as she crossed over to me, taking both of my hands in hers.

I nodded with a wet laugh, observing the other details of the room—all beautifully and meticulously decorated. "It's beautiful Elain," I said.

"Just wait until you see his closet full of clothes," Mor said with a grin as she came to my side and embraced me. "Nesta and I have been collecting clothes for months."

I looked at Nesta, surprised, but she waved a hand. "It was mostly her and Elain. I organized them according to size," she explained.

"She really doesn't want to admit to the two outfits she actually found because she's worried you'll think they're ugly," Cassian teased from beside her, earning a deadly glare from my sister.

I had been surprised to see both him and Azriel in the room with the others, both clad in the casual clothes we rarely saw them wear.

They wanted to be here for your sister's and Mor's unveiling. Consider this one of the last gatherings we'll all have together before Sebastian arrives. Rhys said through the bond.

I smiled briefly at my mate, squeezing the hand that held mine and turned back to the others, when suddenly the Night Court insignia caught the corner of my eye from the wall to my left. I paused before walking over to it, taking in the tapestry woven from the deepest black to exist and the iridescent silver thread shining like liquid starlight as it shaped the Night Court's insignia.

Void and Hope.

I touched it gently, marveling at the feel of the velvet texture—remembering how it felt exactly as it had that day I saw it in the weaver's gallery. Back then I had no idea where I would hang it, but seeing it here now, recalling the emotions it stirred in me then—the realization of just how lucky Rhys and I were to both return from the war with each other and how far we had come since; the realization of wanting, more than anything, to start a family with my mate as soon as possible. I couldn't think of a more perfect place for it.

"It was Rhysand's idea to hang it up here. What do you think?" Elain asked with a gentle smile, remembering the day she had been with me when I bought it.

I nodded and turned back to my mate, my eyes burning as I rested both hands on my belly. "It's perfect," I repeated, knowing he heard the initial sentiments in my thoughts.

"You're welcome, Feyre darling," he purred in my ear as he returned to my side and pressed a kiss to my temple.

Mor clapped before I could get lost in his warmth, and grinned. "Alright, now it's present time!" She declared.

I blinked. "Present time? It isn't my birthday." I said, confused.

"No, but it's almost his," Mor said as she rubbed my stomach affectionately. "So, we're having a little celebration in honor of his arrival," she explained.

I looked at Rhys, but he simply shrugged. "It is a tradition among the fae, much like the parties thrown for a mated pair."

"We didn't have a party when I accepted our bond," I argued, my face flushing as I realized just how much I had become the center of attention.

"Which is why we all get to celebrate you now," Mor countered with a grin. "It's not every day a High Lady gives birth to a future High Lord."

I opened my mouth to argue the case of Viviane, but was surprised when Amren was the one to cut in. "The Winter Court does things differently than we do, girl."

I surveyed all their faces; Mor, Elain, and Cassian looked the most eager, but even Azriel, Amren and Nesta seemed earnest in wanting to commemorate this moment—one of the last we would all have together during my pregnancy, before Sebastian was born. Given the last arduous several months we just endured, unable to really relish in welcoming his arrival or spending that much time together in a casual setting like this, I knew now our chance.

With another glance at my mate, who dipped his head in approval, I sighed in mock exaggeration before I nodded at Mor with a genuine grin. Her face lit up with delight before leading me over to the rocking chair on the other end of the room.

"You too, Rhysie," Cassian said as he nudged Rhys forward. "You're the dad, so we have a few things for you too."

"Feyre is the pregnant one. She's been doing all the hard work, and I've just been watching," Rhys avowed.

"You've done more than that," Nesta claimed, and Elain nodded in approval as they both began gathering the presents that had been hidden in the closet.

Azriel came and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Technically, as the expectant parents, all of these gifts are for both of you, as well as your son." he reasoned.

"Yeah, so come sit with Feyre and let us shower you with gifts," Cassian insisted with a crooked grin as he pulled up a chair and placed it next to mine.

Rhys looked taken aback by his brother's words, and even Nesta's, as he glanced in my direction. He was the one used to indulging the others, as High Lord he saw it as part of his duty—to accommodate his friends, his family, but now he was the one being tended to.

I smiled as I reached a hand out to him, the other resting on the apex of my belly as I sat in the rocking chair. "If I have to endure this, so do you," I teased.

He half-heartedly rolled his eyes, a feline grin on his face as he took my hand and came to sit beside me. I squeezed it gently, glancing at my stomach as that once-gentle glimmer flickered through us both and down the bond.

XXX

The sleep I had found that night was short-lived. While the tea I had drunk the night before had done wonders at calming down my lively babe and had helped me once again succumb to the embers of slumber, I felt a strange sensation in my nerves.

It wasn't like the panic or fear triggered by nightmares, but rather a gentle buzz that thrummed under my skin. I couldn't place the name for what exactly I was feeling, but it felt reminiscent of Calanmai, or when I had felt the early traces of the bond between Rhys and me. I felt that tug on the bond now, despite Rhys sleeping peacefully at my side, and felt it over and over until I slowly and carefully hoisted myself out of bed. In spite of the effort it took, I didn't struggle as I had earlier, the gentle buzzing seeming to cause a light adrenaline rush. I padded across the room as quietly as I could manage, as to not disturb my mate, and over to the double doors that lead to the nursery.

I stepped inside and admired the sight as I had earlier, touching the cradle gently as I approached it. My chest tightened a bit as I tried to imagine a swaddled and sleeping Sebastian laying in it. I often saw the baby version of what the Bone Carver had shown me in my dreams; of Rhysand holding and cradling him in his arms—a miniature version of himself with some of my own features mixed in. I sighed contentedly as I grabbed a soft blanket thrown over the edge of the cradle, folding it neatly before placing it on the bedding. I surveyed the rest of the room, suddenly finding a few imperfections in the decor, or in the supplies that had been laid out, and before I knew it, I was rearranging the different areas of the room. I started with the cradle, folding the different types of blankets according to size and type, before moving onto the changing station and began organizing the different creams and ointments we might need for that messy business. With the words and lectures of our healer and midwife in my head, specifically on how we would care for and tend to Sebastian once he arrived, I now felt compelled to make sure that I was adequately prepared.

"Look who's being a mother hen now," my mate said from the doorway, his voice a husky mixture of sleep and amusement.

I turned to look at him, a stuffed toy in hand from my work of rearranging the basket of toys sitting beside the changing station. I felt another flush return to my cheeks as he came to my side.

"I couldn't sleep," I admitted as I looked at the toy; a bear with cloth wings Nesta claimed had been hand-sewn by the clothier shopkeeper Emerie, from the Windhaven camp.

"I see that," Rhys said softly, hands coming to hold my stomach. When he felt no answering glimmer or movement in response to his touch, he smiled. "But it wasn't because our little one kept you awake, it seems."

I paused, realizing he was right. Sebastian had remained still, asleep, despite my movements and the tug I had felt on the bond. "No. It was...something else, I think. I fell asleep earlier, but then I woke up with this overwhelming urge to…" I looked around the room, trying to voice exactly what I felt. "Clean?" I tried.

Rhys's violet eyes warmed, starlight smoldering as a hand touched my cheek gently. "Feyre, darling, you're starting to nest," he said.

My eyes met his, astonished, realizing what this meant. "Oh," I whispered and looked down at my belly.

Nesting was the first indication of my body readying for labor. It was an expecting female's first instinct, the midwife had told us, because she would want to make sure her home was aptly prepared for the arrival of her newborn. This period could last anywhere between a few days to a week and would follow with all other instincts cooling into a withdrawn state; a necessary final stage before the laboring process began.

I let out a shaky breath as Rhys caressed my stomach, his brow coming to rest on mine as those sparkling violet eyes stared into mine. "It's okay, Feyre," he reassured. "If you're nervous."

"I'm a little nervous," I confessed. "Not just because I know there will be pain, but because...we'll finally get to meet him."

I stroked my stomach gently as I went on. "After all these years of trying, after the last several months we've had...we're finally going to hold him in our arms. He won't just be what we've imagined him to be, what the Bone Carver showed us...he'll be real."

Rhys brushed away a stray tear as it fell down my cheek and held me as closely as he could, my large belly pressed against the hard planes of his, resting between us.

"Yes, he will," he whispered before claiming my lips with his in a lingering and sweet kiss as my eyes fluttered closed.

"We're having a baby," I whispered after a minute, my lips still lingering on his.

I felt him smile and he pulled back to meet my gaze as I opened my eyes again. His thumbs stroking my cheeks as he held my face.

"Yes, we are, my love, and I don't know how to thank you for this...this gift, this life you've grown inside of you," he said, his violet eyes now lined with silver.

My hands came to take his wrists gently, bringing his hands to my lips in a brief kiss before letting them go so he could hold my waist. "You can start by helping me organize this room...and bringing me some more pickled herrings?" I asked with an abashed smile.

Rhys threw his head back in a laugh, pressing another quick kiss to my lips as he nodded and sketched a quick bow. "As my Lady wishes," he said with a wink.

I laughed along with him as I looked down at my stomach, giving it a gentle touch as I wondered just how much longer it would actually be before Sebastian occupied this room.