#they’re very attractive but they don’t see it and it makes them very self conscious

[justbreakonme]

I’m a writer cause I’m a manipulator, that is all.

[rreids]

Idk if this would be too triggering but gn!reader who has scars (unspecified from what) and feeling self conscious so Spencer comforts them and tell them they’re handsome/cute (I’m a boy but idk if you write for male reader so maybe just masc gn reader)

FLAWS • S. REID X READER

gn reader; fluff; non-specific scars (face / arms (implied acne but can be read otherwise)); kissing; teasing; spencer is lovely; mentions of death; 600 words

You tried to avoid picking yourself apart in the mirror, but sometimes you couldn’t help it. Bad days meant finding all of your flaws — all of them: pock-marked skin, lines and dents of cellulite and scar tissue, discoloration, every bit of skin or fat or muscle you wished looked different. You were counting the ones on your cheekbones when Spencer got home from work.

“Why are you staring at yourself like that?” His soft voice interrupts the number you were on (seventeen) and you huff, straightening up and pulling back from the mirror slightly. 

“Just looking at some scars,” you try to keep your voice light, rubbing your fingers over the small dots across your skin, like your touch can wipe them away. “I was wondering if the scar cream I’ve been using is working.”

It’s a weak lie and you know it. Spencer bought that for you only two weeks ago, when you mentioned needing to restock skin care and expressed an interest in something for scarring when you were looking at the site together. He bought it for you with a new bottle of your cleanser. “Really?” He raises his brows, stepping closer. You know he doesn’t believe you, but you relax into the way his arms wind around you and his smell when he gets close enough anyways.

“Yeah.”

“You know I don’t like when you lie to me,” Spencer mumbles against your temple. “Are they bothering you?”

“A little,” you admit, tilting your head to kiss his jaw. “Along with all the other ones.”

Spencer softens against you and moves his head so he can kiss you. When you pull away to breathe, he kisses the scars on your cheek. “You know I find you beyond attractive, right?”

You nod. “You always make sure to tell me,”

“Because you deserve to hear it,” he hums, twining his fingers with yours. “I like to see you happy, and I like to compliment you. It’s all true,” his nose drags along your cheek as he kisses the corner of your jaw before moving to trace scars and markings along your shoulders and arms. “None of this is ugly to me. It shows me how strong and wonderful you are and always have been. It’s just a sign that you’re alive.”

You smile.

“I do like that, you know. You being alive,” you snort at his words. “I’m not into the dead.”

“Yet you see them more than me,” you tease and Spencer chuckles, running his thumb over a scar on your hand you’d gotten trying to clean up a vase of his you broke when you were first moving in. You’d panicked over tears and apologies, but he promised you it was okay, cleaned it up, and then cleaned and dressed your wound with the most tenderness you’d ever been given. 

“If I could be, I’d be home with you every day.”

“You wouldn’t get sick of me?”

There’s a pause. “Well, with breaks. For both of us. Neither of us can go without our independence.” 

You laugh, lightly, your upset with your scars gone. “Bathroom breaks.”

He rolls his eyes. “Clingy,” it’s playful, light, and you know he’d never mean it in a more hurtful way. He loves the way you cling to and wrap around him.

“Only with you.”

“I’m very lucky, then,” Spencer is still rubbing your skin absently and soothingly. “You could make anyone fall in love with you, but I won you over before you found someone else.”

“I wouldn’t want them,” you kiss him softly. “I love you.”

“I love you too,”

not proofread like always. i hope this is general enough :D and ty for requesting <3

[royal-they]

I feel like a lot of people don’t realize how important it is for people to see ships like lumity and huntlow coming from a brand like disney that’s known for having ships that really is known to enforce a lot of beauty standards on to kids. 

lumity is definitely not “on brand” with disney but i feel like so much of the appeal in it comes from that fact. luz doesn’t fit disneys standards for an attractive girl at all. (she is very pretty tho don’t get me wrong) whereas amity is definitely seen by a lot of fans to be very attractive and i think that makes the ship even more powerful. luz doesn’t fall for amity first, amity falls for luz. 

i don’t think i can even explain how much this meant to me as a poc. like omg the hot gay witch that everyone thinks is super hot falls for the dorky brown girl??? that alone makes me love the ship 1000x more. its amazing that kids get to grow up with a ship like that that really flips tropes and cliches and is still so fun and cute to watch. it really teaches young bisexuals and pocs that; hey! you can totally find a super loving healthy relationship where the other person respects you :) ive mentioned in the past that i used to feel really self conscious of my lips but luz helped my overcome that. it’s a small but very important thing to me. i also used to always be worried about how partners would take me being bi, again luz was so helpful in overcoming that fear. 

huntlow is another ship that i feel is incredibly important for reasons similar to lumity. a lot of people are probably going to hate me for saying that lmao but idk i still think it’s very likely to become canon. again like lumity the character the fandom finds to be the most attractive falls first

some people say that willow fell first but I feel like given the fact that hunters been the only one who blushes a lot more people are gonna go “oh hunter likes willow” rather than “willow likes hunter” (i mean i think willow likes hunter but it’s not as obvious so im not gonna talk about that aspect of this ship and it’s not relevant to the point im trying to get across.) 

a lot of people have also said that huntlow parallels lumity in how lot in how their interactions are written and i really agree with that. hunter has from the minute his face was revealed always been seen as attractive by the fandom. i feel like people only really started saying the same about willow when hunter started showing signs of having a crush on her. 

willow like luz isn’t the conventionally attractive disney princess type. she’s larger, east asian, and more quiet. still through hunters perspective we’re able to see these aspects of her along with how she can still be confident and an incredibly powerful witch. 

just like with lumity the show allows people to stop and be like huh luz is actually really pretty and super cute or huh willow is actually really gorgeous and talented. we’re able to see these characters from the perspective of the people who are in love with them. 

at first amity and hunter both don’t really understand why willow and luz are the way they are. hunter and amity have been raised with the perspective of having to be better than everyone all the time so when they meet luz and willow - two very powerful witches - they dont understand why they’re approaching things with the perspective they have. but slowly they’re able to see a different side of them which in turn allows the viewer to also understand luz and willow more. 

we see hunter and amity have this moment of realization; huh it’s actually okay to let people see a more friendly side of myself that’s more open with people and that doesn’t take anything away from how powerful i have the capability of being. 

I think that just the fact alone that luz is able bring out the best side of amity and the fact that willow is able to bring out the best side of hunter is really cute and admirable. these two standoffish teens with self hatred issues are just are suddenly super soft around these two super sweet cute girls. idk i just really like these two ships. 

[inajda]

ASTRO OBS 2

i’m back! this time doing some observations based on readings I did, charts I looked or just by seeing people. if you have doubts feel free to ask anything.

• when a person has a scorpio rising, the energy they give is way more intense at first sight than a person with a scorpio sun. since scorpio is the sign on the cusp of the 1st house and this house is originally ruled by mars, it gets activated by action, so a scorpio rising will often act more like the characteristics of the sign then someone with an actual scorpio sun. it’s easier to see at naked eye.

• people who have aquarius venus tend to attract most of the time weird individuals. it’s an overlooked placement reduced to non monogamy, but it’s so much more than that. i observed that people with this placement can often be taken advantage off, because aquarius can be selfless when it comes to helping people and that being the way aquarius operate, in contact with venus it can make people with this placement more vulnerable to this kind of situation.

• moon in capricorn and moon in cancer are different sides of the same coin. both have very different styles to how they demonstrate their feelings but when it comes to being valued of their emotional labour they often get overlooked. people take them for granted because is often similar to a primary source of emotional support, like a parent. you know is their obligation to do what they do, but you don’t know that it takes an active thinking and a never ending job of keeping things like they’re always supposed to be. nice, warm and stable.

• your lilith placement will always eat you up. unless you truly recognize the lesson she’s wants you to know, she gonna chew you alive. is different from a saturn lesson, lilith is not about time, is about seeing what you don’t want to see and acknowledge in a conscious mindset, is to not let people transform you into what they think you are, your conscious mind is the most powerful gift lilith can give you.

• looking at your jupiter and knowing how to read the place it’s in can help you how to manifest things you want and do really witchy stuff. to learn how to track abundance and good luck. jupiter is a really powerful sorcerer that has the power to attract what he wants but he’s also a show off, so be careful with how you act because there’s gonna be people watching you.

• one of the most prominent place your mars placement is going to show off is when you get into an argument. i’m a sagittarius mars so a I have the terrible habit of thinking I own the truth in everything and never admitting i’m wrong. a pisces mars can get a bit manipulative if it feels it does have a way to go. a gemini mars will deceit you into think they’re right no matter what, even if they realized they’re in the wrong mid argument.

• the 12th house is the worst place to have a malefic planet (saturn and mars) or challenging placements (square or opposition). in traditional astrology is consider to be the place of bad spirit since it’s above the 1st angular house representing the self, meaning that the 12th represents hiding of the self, events that happen in the natives life that is not easy to access or even acknowledge. this is a very simplified explanation, I can maybe do another post on this since it’s a long subject to cover.

[spenzitz]

dazai with a scarred s/o

some headcannons and a little drabble! the headcanons are from a random brain dump i sent one of my moots... my bad

t/w ~ light mentions of blood, scars, fluff!! w/c ~ 1k

i headcanon dazai to have a pretty decent amount of scars under his bandages, self-inflicted or otherwise, so if he had a s/o who had lots of scars or stretch marks, he would be extremely supportive. esp beauty marks!!!! this man loves beauty marks tells you how even though it’s a permanent score of your bad experiences, it also paints a breathtaking picture of the person you are. in a way it’s also healing for himself, reassurance that if you, the person he loves dearly, have marks on their body, then his don’t have to be inherently bad either maybe you feel self-conscious about showing more skin during the summer, he’s so encouraging, tells you how proud he is of you for wearing that tank top you’ve had for ages

most days, especially in the winter, you forget about your scars. coats and jeans covering any permanent discoloration or texture variation on your body. they’re not something you actively think about, it’s not like you see them every day, and even if you do, it’s not for very long. you no longer get a stinging feeling when your shirt brushes against the scars across your chest. the blood has long dried up.

but, with melting snow comes sweltering heat. heat that makes your usual ensemble of sweaters and thick jeans, not an option this morning.

the agency had decided to take advantage of the warmth in the spring air and have a picnic. of course, you were excited, the agency was your family, and time with them was always time well spent. the only problem was what you were going to wear…

dazai has watched you come in and out of the bathroom almost four times this morning. switching between breathable and overly modest clothing every time. but even from inside your dorm with the blinds closed and the fan blowing on max, the heat was terrible.

you start to head back to the closet on your fourth attempt, inevitably picking another outfit too warm for the summer months, only to have your ankle grabbed by the sloth-like creature lying on the floor that you called your boyfriend.

“hey!” you laugh out, almost tripping before finding your balance and joining dazai on the floor. you sit criss-cross-applesauce in front of him as he emerges from your futon. you show a genuine smile as he yawns and takes your hands in his.

he wears a soft smile as he looks at you, his amazing partner, so capable, so attractive.

“can you just wear what you have on so we can leave already?” he says, kinda bossy, mostly annoyed. you were supposed to leave half an hour ago, he’s probably starving at this point.

“sorry, sorry… let me just put on what i was already wearing,” you say, starting to push yourself up off the floor.

again, dazai drags you back down to the floor with him, this time clutching you to his chest from behind and seating you in his lap. “nah, s’too hot for that,” he slurs his words as he pushes his face deeper into your neck. you squirm a little from the close proximity, not sure what to do with your body.

if you were being honest though, a part of you was anxious about where his hands would wander, as they usually did. you were currently dressed in shorts and a tank top, something you usually wouldn’t be caught dead in. even behind closed doors you opted to cover most of your skin, to your boyfriend’s dismay. so to say dazai was happy to see more of you in broad daylight was an understatement.

he had seen your scars before, but only once or twice, in the dead of night, with no one else around. they were fond memories of his. the first time was when you two weren’t dating but you certainly weren't just friends either. you had been pretty severely injured but you refused any kind of help. that was, until dazai walked you to your dorm and insisted he bandage you up stating that he’s “a professional at this point.”

he remembers how even though he found you very attractive and had probably thought about you with your shirt off in a different context, there was nothing even remotely sensual about that night. he didn’t ask any questions about your scars until you were dating, and even then, he was never pushy about it. the second time he’d seen your scars, it was very late, and you’d both had a few drinks. you both started asking questions about each other’s pasts and you both answered them as honestly as you could. you showed him your scars, and he showed you his.

dazai thinks about that night now, as he holds you close and traces a light finger across a particularly large gash on your shoulder, half covered by your top and the rest peaking out for anyone to see and ponder the origin.

”you told me you wanted to be more confident in your body right?” he asks you in a gentle voice, pressing a light kiss into your exposed shoulder blade. “yes…” you whisper back, fidgeting with your fingers as you’re suddenly much too aware of how much skin is showing.

“then this is a perfect start. you know everyone will be nothing but supportive.” he pauses to kiss your cheek before saying, “you really are your own worst enemy sometimes, you know that?”

his words had a twinge of harshness to them, but you knew he was right. not to mention there was no way you would enjoy yourself drenched in sweat.

you turn to face him in his lap and rest your head on his shoulder, which he gladly cradles. “i know you’re right.. it’s just hard y’know?” you start absentmindedly picking at the bandages peaking out of his sleeves. yeah, he does know.

“nothing my y/n can’t handle hm?”

you take a few breaths, enjoying the proximity. if only other people knew how sweet he could be.

“yeah, you’re right.” you sigh and sit up straight, parting from him with a kiss on his nose as you pull yourself up. he whines from the loss of contact but follows shortly after you.

you take one last pass by the mirror and push past your reservations. dazai was right, these people love and support you no matter what, you know that. what better direction to step out of your comfort zone than that?

masterlist

[pebblume]

guys i haven’t had time to write in weeks and it’s driving me INSANE. to help cope here are a bunch of percabeth fic ideas i have rattling around my brain that i may or may not get around to writing at some point

annabeth is assigned for cabin inspection and percy slept in (cue speed cleaning and attempted flattery and bribery to avoid punishment). this one is deeply unserious

since we didn’t get it in the show with the spider trap in the tunnel of love i’d love to write some other situation where annabeth gets scared by spiders and percy helps her through it and they talk about their fears 

ok ok. hear me out. pjo tv trio watching the lightning thief musical. i’m normally not into “characters watch their own media” type fics, but i think it could be fun to write while also allowing for some introspection! they’re just experiencing this weird uncanny valley where everything is familiar but it’s so different at the same time and also everyone is singing?? percy laughs at his own jokes of course and grover is a theatre kid so he’s nerding out and annabeth is confused (the only musical she’s ever seen is the wizard of oz) but entertained. i think it could be silly

lovesick au with an extra dose of angst. percy gets accidentally drugged with aphrodite’s love magic (and naturally annabeth is the first person he sees) so now she has to deal with a very clingy percy who's sweet and considerate and would do anything she asked but it's not her percy. like she wanted him to like her back but not like this ;-; happy ending tho obviously

hypervigilance and hyperfixation - annabeth has always had to be aware of her surroundings and never let her guard down (ptsd from her childhood and being a demigod), until this boy comes into her life and now all her attention zones in on him whenever he’s within a 50 yard radius. just a little drabble on all the little things you notice when you’re constantly aware of your crush and how even their annoying habits or flaws become hopelessly endearing

annabeth with glasses would be so cute?? (credit to @vicwritesfic for the idea!). basically just some percabeth moments told through glasses: annabeth first getting them and percy helping her feel comfortable with them when she gets self conscious, annabeth losing them in the lake and percy retrieving them, percy trying her glasses on because i think that’s a universal glasses wearer experience, percy finding her asleep at her desk with her glasses askew and taking them off gently, etc. etc. you get the idea

ok y’all know that saying that’s like “you know you like your crush when they get an awful haircut and they’re still attractive to you”? that’s it, that’s the fic. i’m thinking percy gets an unwilling haircut and he gets all embarrassed because his head is a fuzzy egg now, but annabeth still finds him cute because she's down catastrophically bad. he gets his curls back at the end tho don’t worry!

percy is cursed to be honest when he lies to a god and now he can’t stop telling annabeth how pretty her eyes are and how much he admires her; he can’t even use sarcasm - he’s defenseless! basically an excuse for me to torture percy and make him finally talk about his feelings

post tlt. annabeth ran away again after fighting with her father, but instead of going back to camp she goes to stay with the jackson’s (with the obligatory shows-up-on-their-doorstep-sopping-wet-and-pathetic scene and sally decides to adopt her immediately). it was supposed to be for a weekend, but percy convinces her to just stay until they have to go back to camp (about three weeks) and cute domestic shenanigans (and angst) ensue!

percy just got his driver's license after the titan war and takes annabeth for a ride to montauk to meet grover (she obviously has to tease him about the time he was 12 and crashed a car because he was too busy looking into her eyes). they sing along to their favorite songs and percy gets road rage and they stop for ice cream. basically a chance for them to be normal teens because they deserve it!

pen pal au where percy and annabeth write each other letters during the school year (takes place after tlt). just little moments in their lives told through letters and photos and mementos (sally insists on express mailing annabeth blue cookies after a fight with her parents ofc). it’s not the same as having each other there in person, but it helps with the distance. my way of coping with the hiatus between tlt and SoM ;-;

bi percabeth my beloved!! fic about percy’s bi awakening after reflecting on all his boy crushes (childhood friend, luke, beckendorf, etc). he comes out to annabeth after the war and they have this very touching moment where they talk and hug it out. then annabeth is like “oh also I like girls” “you couldn’t have led with that??” “i didn’t want to steal your moment!”

i've also been drafting out some percy pov chapters to my fics "i miss you like a little kid", "nothing's going to hurt you baby", and "punched in the gut (feels like being in love" so those are in the works!!

phew. and that's not even all of them (i think about them an unhealthy amount). i miss writing these two so much, but i won't really have a chance to breath from my school work until spring break so wish me luck ;-;

as always you can find my finished fics here :3

[hardstraykidshours]

ready

pairing: chan x virgin afab!reader

genre: smut, fluff, 18+ (minors dni)

summary: you're nervous about your first time with chan, but he makes it comfortable for both of you.

length: 3.2k

warnings: profanity, talk of insecurities (multiple kinds of insecurities), sexual/suggestive content, softdom/experienced!chan (literally the softest, also implied pleasure dom!chan), virgin!reader, fingering (f. receiving), oral sex (f. receiving), unprotected sex (please wrap before you tap), praise, pet names ("baby girl"), implied blow job, afab reader, nsfw 18+ (minors dni)

your lack of romantic and sexual experience has always been a big insecurity for you, having never even been on so much as one date. for the entirety of your adult life thus far, all of your friends were either dating, married, or at least had sex at one point or another. obviously you understand that how many partners you’d had either romantically or sexually wasn’t important. it didn’t make you any less of a person and you knew that no matter what age you are, no should ever feel like they’re “falling behind” for not having experienced these things.

with that being said, you wanted to experience these things, so it was always incredibly disheartening seeing everyone else get to experience them but never you. you would go out to bars with friends, watching them get hit on while you stand idly by. not that you ever want to be hit on by some gross, sleazy guy, but the fact that even those gross, sleazy guys didn’t want to talk to you made you think there was something seriously wrong with you. you were slowly coming to terms with the fact that you might just be single forever.

sure, you have lots of people in your life who love you and care about you, but platonic relationships are very different from romantic relationships. and yeah, vibrators and sex toys get the job done and feel amazing, but its not the same as the real thing. “dating is overrated anyways,” “you’re not missing anything,” “why dont you just put yourself out there a little more?” is what people always say. you know their intentions are good, but they don’t help all that much. you’re already a very introverted person, but the lack of people expressing any attraction to you during your very formative years made you incredibly self conscious, fearing rejection before a move has even been made. so “putting yourself out there” was never exactly an option in your mind. even if you did put yourself out there, if you went to have sex, you were nervous the guy would be wildly unimpressed, especially if he found out about your total lack of intimate experience.

but your world turned completely upside down when you met chan.

you had gone out for some drinks with friends one night. they all decided to go to the dancefloor, but you hadn’t finished your drink, so you hung back at the bar. all of the sudden, the most attractive man you had ever seen sat down next to you. he struck up a conversation, and the rest is history.

you could never bring yourself to tell chan about your lack of dating history. he is the nicest, sweetest, most caring guy you have ever met, but you always get in your head and think he’ll find it strange that you had never been with anyone prior to him at your age. thankfully, he never seemed to mind when it was painfully obvious you had never done anything before. he paid no mind to the way you fumbled through your first kiss, and he gladly came up with the new conversation topics when you first started dating (you’re not very good at small talk). he’s been your first for everything and never seems bothered when its clear that you have no idea what you’re doing.

there was one area, however, where he has yet to be your first in. obviously you want to have sex with chan, and you both know that neither of you want to wait for any reason. still, every time a situation looks like it might be heading down that route, you find a way to stop it. you’re afraid that his experience with you won’t be enjoyable for him since you have no idea what you’re doing, and he’s had sex plenty of times. additionally, being that exposed in front of anyone makes you a little nervous. chan has never ever made you feel like anything less than most beautiful person he has ever seen, but being completely naked in front of someone for the first time in such a context makes you a little nervous and makes your brain think a little too critically of yourself.

unfortunately chan is beginning to notice the way you seem to cleverly evade the situation when something seems to be heading down a sexual road. so one night when you’re making out and you conveniently say you “forgot you need to start laundry because your work uniform is dirty,” he decides to gently confront you about it.

“babe, can i ask you something?” he says as he watches from the bedroom doorway as you grab your laundry basket and start gathering clothes to wash.

“of course,” you say, never taking your eyes off your work.

“do you not want to have sex together?” he asks, careful to make sure his tone is soft, not confrontational.

this question makes you immediately stop what you’re doing, but you still don’t look at him. “what makes you ask that?”

“you just seem to stop whatever is happening when we start taking things a little further,” he starts. “if you’ve changed your mind and you want to wait, that’s totally ok. it’s not like we need sex to have a healthy relationship. i don’t want to pressure you to do anything, so if you would rather wait, that’s ok.”

you finally look at him and vigorously shake your head. “no, no, it’s not that.”

you quickly look away and start going back to gathering laundry.

“what is it then?” he says, but you don’t answer. he walks over to you and grabs your hands to stop you from fidgeting with the clothes. he takes one hand and lifts your chin so you’re looking at each other again. “please. you can tell me. what’s going on?”

your eyes dart across his face. you can tell how genuinely concerned he is. your cheeks start to turn hot, and you feel that funny, nervous feeling in your stomach as tears threaten to well up in your eyes.

“i absolutely do want to have sex with you…i’m just nervous,” you begin, choking back sobs. “i’ve never…i’ve never done this before…had sex, i mean. and it’s not that i don’t trust you, i wouldn’t want anyone else to be my first time. but i'm worried it won't be a good time for you since i don't know what i'm doing. and being that exposed and vulnerable in front of someone, even though it's you and i trust you, makes me a little nervous…”

a tear falls from your cheek that he wipes with his thumb. he just looks at you for a moment, trying to find the right thing to say.

“baby,” he begins. “i’m honored that you trust me enough to be your first. and you’re literally the most beautiful person i’ve ever seen, so i hope you know that i’m still going to think that when you’re naked underneath me. obviously i don't care that you’ve never done this before. i love you, and it’s going to be a good time for me no matter what. but now that i know all this, if you’re ok with it, i would like to make your first time all about you. this would be your moment, i wanna make sure you feel good, especially because it might be a little uncomfortable the first time. but also, like i said earlier, if you would rather wait to do anything, we can. i'm not going to make you do anything you're not ready for.”

you sniffle a little as you try to bring yourself back together.

“thank you for saying all that,” you begin. “and i don't want to wait, i still want to do this. i feel a little better now that all that's off my chest.”

“can i take care of you, then?” he asks softly. “i wanna make you feel beautiful. if you’re ready.”

you nod. “yes, please.”

chan places a soft kiss on your lips before he picks you up and gently places you on your back on the bed so he’s hovering over you. he peppers soft kisses all over face, occasionally moving to your jaw and neck.

he holds himself up with one arm as the other starts to creep down your body before finding its way inside your shirt. his hand gently make its way up to your tits. he continues to kiss your neck but smiles against your skin when he realizes you’re already not wearing a bra. he takes your tit in his hand and gives it a firm squeeze before rolling your nipple between his fingers, eliciting a moan from you.

he continues at this for a little bit before his hand makes its way back down your body, stopping just above the waistband of your sweatpants. he pulls away from your neck to look at you. “this ok?”

you nod rapidly, breathing already growing jagged. “yes.”

he leans back down to nibble on your earlobe as his hands dip into your panties. he hums in your ear when he feels how wet you are as his fingers drag along your folds before he rubs small circles on your clit.

“channie,” you moan out at the feeling.

he drags his fingers along your already soaking wet pussy a few more times. “can i take your clothes off, baby girl?”

“please,” you respond, sounding more and more eager by the second.

he tenderly takes each article of clothing off, starting with your shirt and sweatpants. he slowly rubs his hands along every square inch of your body, drinking in the sight of you.

“so pretty,” he whispers, making you blush.

he finally grabs the waistband of your panties and slowly glides them down your legs before throwing them to the ground. when you feel the cold air of the room brush against your exposed pussy, you quickly close your thighs, desperate to cover the most vulnerable part of your body.

“uh uh,” chan says, shaking his head. he taps your thigh. “open them for me. i wanna see every beautiful part of you.”

you spread your legs as he makes his down your body, placing kisses along your torso all the way down, taking extra care to make small hickies on your tits. his head ends up between your legs, where he places soft pecks on the inside of your thighs. he stops when he’s eye level with your core. he looks up at you with hooded eyes. “ok?”

you nod.

“use your words, baby girl. i need to hear you say it," he states.

“yes,” you say desperately.

as soon as he gets the ok, chan licks a clean stripe up your pussy before wrapping his mouth around your clit, sucking gently.

“oh fuck,” you moan, fingers finding their way into his hair, tugging ever so slightly.

he continues his work on your clit as he slides two fingers inside you, making you mewl at the contact. his fingers push in and out of you at a steady rate, curling occasionally to rub that sweet spot inside you. he moans against you and the vibrations send shockwaves of arousal through your body. you’re growing wetter by the second, and you feel your walls clench around his fingers. you throw your head back as your back arches slightly. chan can tell you’re getting close to your orgasm, so he pumps his fingers a few more times and gives your clit one last hard suck before pulling away from you.

you gasp at sudden lack of contact. chan comes up from between your thighs and sits up on his knees. you see how wet and plump his lips look as he catches his breath. he takes his two fingers in between his lips and sucks your juices off of them.

“that’s probably the hottest thing i’ve ever seen,” you say in disbelief, warranting a smirk from chan as he crawls his way back up your body, placing a soft kiss on your cheek.

“how are you doing? you feel prepped enough?” he asks.

“i’m doing great,” you give him a soft smile. “i want you.”

“i want you, too,” he says with a sweet giggle. he stands up and discards his clothes before laying back over you again, resting himself between your legs once again. you watch as he wraps his hand around his painfully hard cock and gives himself a few pumps to get ready. “this might hurt a little bit, baby girl. it’ll probably feel a little uncomfortable at first. just focus on how things feel. tell me to stop if it becomes too much. you ready?”

“yes,” you nod. “ready.”

he aligns himself with your pussy before pushing in veeeery slowly. you gasp at his size, and he hisses when he bottoms out. you’ve never felt so full in your life, and he stops to let you get acclimated to the feeling of his cock inside you. he stretches you out so well. it feels a little uncomfortable but thankfully not painful.

"you doing ok?" he asks.

"yeah," you say, eyes still squeezing shut from the feeling of him inside you. "just...just give me a second to get used to it."

"take your time," he kisses your temple. "just tell me when you're ready."

you get adjusted after a minute or so and realize how desperately you need friction right now. “please move, channie.”

he starts to push himself in and out of you slowly, savoring the way you feel around him.

“shit. you feel so good, baby girl. doing so good for me,” he moans, which causes your pussy to clench around him.

you relish in the way chan feels as his cock slides in and out of you, feeling every little bit of him inside you. any feelings of discomfort slowly begin to subside as the sheer feeling of pleasure and arousal are the only things your mind can focus on. the only things pouring from your mouth are whimpers and moans.

he picks up his pace a little bit, but he’s careful to not push you too hard, wanting this to be as comfortable for you as possible. he snakes the hand that’s not holding him up in between you to rub circles on your clit with his thumb.

“chan,” is all you can manage to moan out as your fingers dig into his shoulders. “feels so good. don't stop.”

hearing that, he continues his work in earnest while he notices your breathing become more and more erratic. only a few more thrusts of his cock and circles of his thumb before the knot that had been building in you breaks, and your pussy flutters around him as you moan his name with your head thrown back into the pillow, fingers scraping down his back. he slows his movements greatly, but continues his motions to help you ride out your high, milking you of every last ounce of pleasure you have left in you. once you're finally done riding out your orgasm, he slowly pulls out of you, placing kisses all over your face.

“you did so well. you’re always so beautiful, baby girl. looked so pretty coming undone for me,” he whispers in between kisses before plopping down on the bed next to you.

you turn to look at him and place a kiss on his cheek. “thank you. thanks for being so sweet and understanding. and thank you for taking such good care of me.”

“of course, baby. you deserve it,” he says sweetly. “i hope you feel better about everything now. i love you."

“i love you, too. and i do feel better,” you reassure him. “thank you again.”

he places a kiss on your forehead before getting up and grabbing a washcloth. he comes back and starts cleaning you up. Then he takes the hand that isn’t wiping you and interlocks his fingers with yours, placing a soft kiss on your knuckles. once you're all clean, he throws the washcloth to the side and lays back down next to you.

“i know i didn't do much, but did i do ok?” you ask him, brows furrowed.

“you did incredible,” he smiles.

“but you didn't cum?” you pout.

“i know,” chan says. “i've learned to control it a little bit over the years. this was about you, so i figured i didn't need to cum. i was just focused on your pleasure, not mine. besides, that’s something i can take care of really fast later.”

he gives you a sly grin, making you chuckle. you can’t get over how sweet he is, putting your needs before his. all of the sudden though, you get an idea. maybe you’re still high from your orgasm or maybe it's the new found confidence chan is instilling in you, but you decide to just say what's on your mind.

“why don't you show me how i can take care of you?” you propose.

“you don’t have to, babe,” he responds. “tonight was your night.”

“i want to,” you state. “please?”

“ok,” he says with a smile. but the sweet look in his eyes quickly turns lustful. “in that case, you’re gonna have to get on your knees for me, baby girl.”

[myadmiringmind]

Jace Herondale in a relationship with someone who has anxiety

Jace Herondale Masterlist

Note: A little self-indulgent here because I have diagnosed anxiety

Warnings: Anxiety, crowds, food, among other things.

|PICTURES ARE NOT MINE|

He picked up on it really fast

He might not have realized it was anxiety but he just knew that you were uncomfortable

Jace tries his best to help you

If you feel overwhelmed by a crowd he’s quick to pull the two of you in an alleyway so you calm down

Afraid of speaking? He’s got you

He knows your thoughts and motives so he has no problem communicating your thoughts to someone else

Also has no problem telling someone off or punching them for making you uncomfortable

If your nervous from someone staring at you he steps in between the two of you

Nervous about a fight? He’s never out of your sight

He likes to name the facts or his observations

For example: you think everyone is staring at your outfit while at a restaurant

He catches your eye

“Everyone is here to eat.”

“This place is pretty, they’re admiring the scenery.”

“Did you see the way his eye just twitched?” He’s on a first date with that girl, he’s too busy trying to impress her to notice anything around him. Like how he’s about to spill the water right down his shirt.”

“You don’t know these people. They don’t know you.”

“Even if you were ever to be in the same room again, you wouldn’t recognize each other.”

“You look stunning.”

If it’s too loud in a room and you’re okay with it, he wraps him arms around you and pulls you to his chest so you can listen to his heart beat

Will defend you from anyone

This man would fight to the death for you

Overwhelmed by the amount of work you need to do? He helps you plan it out with plenty of breaks inbetween

Has an endless amount of patience for you

Would sit with you for hours to help you on whatever you’re doing

He’s really good at massages too

If you’re having a headache or you’re stiff he doesn’t mind rubbing your back, shoulders, head, etc.

But he would like one in return

If you’re feeling overstimulated from talking to so many people he’ll find an empty area where you can be alone, or he’ll just take you home

He doesn’t care if it’s an important event you are his #1 priority

He’s subconsciously making sure that you’re eating enough and drinking enough water

He’s probably showed up to your room before with either a nice snack or meal saying how, “You have not eaten.”

He’s your emotional support person when you go out into the wild public

He doesn’t care if you cling to him or follow him around at a social event the entire time, in fact, he enjoys it

I feel like he’d ask, “Do you want comfort or solutions?” If something bad happened

Solutions is easier for him given how he was emotionally abused by Valentine

But he tries his very best to help you through your emotions

if he’s not with you, he’s worried the entire time

Like seriously, he’s acting like a parent

doesn’t like to be away from you if he knows you could be put into a situation where you get anxious (which is a lot)

Big on praising you

He’s good at noticing what your most self-conscious about and he just spends so much time praising it

He has a really nice voice too

Sometimes he just whispers to you while in public events about nonsense just to distract you or to make you smile

Doesn’t give a fuck who sees the two of you (unless it puts you in danger)

If you’re insecure about other people finding him attractive he’d probably make out with you in front of them just to remind you that you’re the only one he cares about

He probably has some anxiety too

He just doesn’t realize it

[sagittariusmars2]

(Top to Bottom) 18+ first time alone with ur spouse

Pile 1

I see you guys laughing and playing fighting, you guys may get into a argument lol but you guys will make up because one of you will apologize and do something sweet. I see you guys having drinks/hanging out and relaxing, I see that this will happen at night and you will spend the night. I see you guys having sex after having too many drink and connecting so much, there will be a build up of tension and a lot of butterflies. I see you guys being eager to taste each other and do oral, there will be a little bit of foreplay but for the most part you guys will want to get straight to it. I see for some of you this person may ask you to be serious with them and they’ll talk about the future of the connection but for others I see it being more passionate and still being shy with each other. I see the masculine dominating the feminine and making the first move, ur person will be so hard/wet that they can’t hold back anymore. They’re going to really like how ur pussy/dick taste and they’ll love ur butt/backside. Signs- Leo, Aries, cancer, Scorpio, Gemini. Initials- K, A, M, C, N, O, Y, J, W

Pile 2

I see that you will realize that this is ur person for life or that you have genuine feelings for them, you may try to be extra mean/feisty towards this person because ur gonna want to fight ur feelings but this will make ur person more attracted to u lol. They will know you like them because they really like u too, this person has a big dick😯. I see that if they’re masculine they are very masculine and will naturally bring out ur feminine side, they may have a cute smile/smirk and they’re more level headed than you but they are still very passionate when it comes to expressing how they feel. This person may tell u that they like you first which will make u feel more comfortable, I see that they are very honest and all they want is a honest beginning with you. This person will have a lot of money and they may have a gift/gifts for you when u see them, I see that they will spend a lot of money on you or they are very caring and giving like they would bring food/drinks or whatever u needed to you. I see both of you will be looking at each other will lusty eyes, you’re both gonna stare at each other and fantasize about doing sexual things with each other. I see the feminine may make the first move, you guys are definitely having sex lol. This person is gonna love doing backshots with u, the feminine may be small compared to the masculine’s dick and they’ll like that a lot. This person may be a lot to handle sexually but I see that you will like it because you may not be used to it, this person will try to make you cum first before they do and they’ll be good with their fingers. I see you guys will be more serious after spending time alone together, ur person will be addicted to you and will do anything for you. I see the masculine may work out alot/ big muscles. Signs- libra/cancer, initials- F, O, N, Z, M, U, E

Pile 3

I see both of you guys hiding your feelings for each other heavyyy, you guys may hang out at night. I see both of you will see a future with each other and it’s like ur both plotting on each other but you two don’t know that lol, you guys may try to act detached but I see that both of you get jealous easy and one of you will get caught caring more for the other person and feel embarrassed lol. I see that your intuition is going to be going off a lot but you’ll try to ignore it, I see that you guys won’t have sex but there will be kissing or handjobs/playing with ur boobs/pussy. Ur person will really like ur chest/stomach and you may catch them staring at you a lot, they will make you feel nervous/self conscious when they’re admiring u. Signs- Scorpio, Taurus, Sagittarius, libra. Initials- B, R, W, G, O, F, U

Pile 4

I see you guys smoking/drinking and hanging out, you’ll be feeling really relaxed with each other. I see that you both will feel the same way about each other and will throw hints that you like each other, the masculine is really gonna like the feminines lips and think about kissing or oral alot. I see that you guys will be tempted to have sex with each other but you agree to take things slow, for some of you I see that they may finger you/ give u a blowjob/handjob because they can’t hold back. Both of you guys will be really turned on and will try ur hardest to hide it, the masculine will like the feminines butt and may stare at it often. I see that you guys will talk about a future together and express your feelings for each other, you may be defensive at first but your walls will come down eventually because they’re very romantic and you’ll blush a lot. Signs- libra, Taurus, Scorpio. Initials- T, F, A S, B

Personal readings always available, please watch my 18+ pick a card reading on YouTube

[astroamorsworld]

What I’ve personally noticed with the rising signs…

Don’t take what I say personally, it’s just what I’ve observed with these rising signs and I’ll most certainly update this with other observations when I meet more people.

(I also have not met every rising so don’t be upset if you don’t see your rising sign there)

(I’ll update it when I eventually meet them)

Aries Rising: Just like you’d expect😂 they are very bold, loud and outspoken. Their foreheads are prominent and they’re pretty.

Taurus Rising: They’re homebodies, they love to snack on food and they’re very chill but extremely stubborn and ignorant. Also very pretty.

Gemini Rising: They’re witty, tend to be good with jobs and other things that involve their hands. They tend to speak really fast and have nice eyelashes.

Cancer Rising: Some of them can be quite vindictive, can’t deal with confrontation, they love to wear things that are conventionally seen as feminine, they are pretty feminine in general, they have very round faces and big eyes.

Leo Rising: Very self confident, hair is always a statement peace and are unapologetically themselves, they attract a lot of attention and love dancing. They can also be a little sensitive too.

Virgo Rising: Very critical, academically gifted, petite and also can be quite bold, probably because most of them are sidereal Leo risings. Their hair can be quite short too and love polka dots.

Libra Rising: Always conventionally attractive, round symmetrical faces and can be quite self conscious, they always have to make sure they look good. Have nice thighs and nice bodies overall and have great smiles. They also love wearing pink and love wearing statement perfumes. They love nice things and can be a tad bit shallow.

Scorpio Rising: Almost everything about them is intense, can be quite quiet, they like to play a lot of mind games and can also be quite vindictive and are also usually petite. They also tend to be insecure. They are more comfortable than most people with talking about sex related topics.

Sagittarius Rising: Horrible. I’m sorry but they are incredibly attention seeking, tone deaf and like to say things with the intention of getting on peoples nerves.

Capricorn Rising: haven’t met any yet, sorry guys

Aquarius Rising: again I haven’t met any

Pisces Rising: haven’t met any😕

Check my pinned post for more🤍

DM me if you would like a reading

[csuitebitches]

Heylo, I don’t know if you answer to personal relationship questions. I have recently stumbled to your account and I really love your content and I would love your advice on this.

I have recently realised I am not comfortable around masculine energy. I mean I always knew but I thought I had a progress and like I would want a relationship with a guy with healthy masculine energy. Turns out, being around masculine energy still scares me and I just don’t know what to do. How to overcome this uneasiness?

Hmm. I used to be the same way. I’m not sure if my story will resonate with you but see if it helps.

Growing up I wasn’t the beautiful friend. I was the chubby, spectacled, shy girl with a stutter. It took me a while to get myself sorted and feel confident.

But as a result, guys never really paid attention to me till I turned about 16-17. Which, for a girl, is pretty late considering that my friends were all dating boys since 11-12 (not like it even counts but basically the fact their crushes reciprocated their feelings and mine never did was a bit … crushing).

This meant that I began dating boys, that very frankly, didn’t deserve me. I began dating boys who were ready to “settle” for me because I thought I could never get the guys I wanted anyway. Or I began dating guys I would have the upper hand with; as in, I knew they liked me more and I could leave the relationship anytime. I know it sounds psychotic.

Confident guys made me nervous. Even as I grew older, lost all that weight, grew my hair out till my waist, learned how to use make up, got a dermatologist, went to speech therapy and became objectively 100x more attractive, I still felt like that “ugly” 12 year old on the inside even if i showed a very confident front. As my confidence had grown in another aspects of my life, my career, hobbies, academics were good - but men still made me nervous.

I realised that the problem was with me.

The fact that I dated men “below” my level showed what I thought of my own self, what I thought I truly deserved.

My fear stemmed from the fact of never being good enough for a man, not being beautiful enough, smart enough, fun enough. All these other girls were so seamlessly confident and I seemed to only have the fake kind of confidence.

True confidence can be spotted from a mile away.

Here’s what helped me. I began focusing on myself and began cultivating healthy platonic relationships with good men. I can never date these guys but they’re like my family now.

I think what made me sort of wary of confident, healthily masculine men was that their sense of identity was very strong. They knew what they liked and didn’t like, they knew who they were, they weren’t afraid to say what was on their mind. The last guy I was seeing projected exactly this and in that relationship (it was healthy, ended for other reasons) I felt very comfortable in my feminine. Which he was equally appreciative of. But I still felt not good enough.

You need to essentially develop friendships with men. Don’t look at them as creatures from other planets. Talk to them, make them your friend. Men are much more easier to befriend than women in my opinion - I’m always more conscious of myself around women than men. (that doesn’t mean that i don’t like being friends with women; I love my girlfriends, I feel it’s harder to impress a woman than a man).

At the same time, work on your confidence and try to figure out the root cause of why exactly you feel so uncomfortable.

Here’s another post that I had written about this topic.

[nevarroes]

do either cas or gort get insecure/worried about the other leaving them? i don't know if gorts the type to be insecure, and while cas seems overconfident he also seems very... unstable in that.. would either of them ever say something (accidentally or on purpose?) to make the other self conscious/paranoid they'd leave?

yeah they both have quite the issues with it to be honest😭

for Cas it’s very, very extreme tbh. yeag he’s cocky and a narcissist but he’s insanely insecure and unstable as a person. This is not about like superficial things it’s about the fact that due to him pretty much only ever having been valued for his looks and you know sexual skill as an incubus he’s actually subconsciously always scared of not being enough as a person if the looks or the sex ever falls away since knowing that would also be the one thing that could totally break him. with that in mind Cas is like… extremely jealous to the extent where it’s a big reason of why he’s trying to make Gortash fat too. And on top of that it doesn’t actually matter how often Gortash might tell him that he’s the only one that could ever matter to him or whatever because Cas will never quite believe that due to his own issues with himself and stuff, so he’s also extremely erm… volatile when it comes to Gortash mentioning others or even past lovers, anything really. And yes Gortash does this sometimes even if he ends up regretting it mostly but there’s something to be said about him just being used to use a person’s weaknesses against them so it just… slips out sometimes tbh😖

Gortash has insecurities regarding this too but it stems from different things namely the fact that he, deep down and he would never admit this, knows that Cas is kind of out of his league. And I don’t just mean this look-wise right I mean that Cas is a literal devil that is on his best way to overthrow a god. It’s not that I see Gortash as an insecure person really, he’s incredibly arrogant and proud of his achievements as well but theres something to be said about Cas being the person he loves bringing out that tiny bit of doubt and inferiority within him, if that makes sense. Aside from that Cas isn’t someone that would make him doubt that he’d leave him for someone else or smth like that because with Cas… u can really tell that he’s not even giving anyone else time. To me Cas has many people around him nd flirting with him and whatever at all times like when they’re at events and such (especially since he’s not seen as a ruler) not even just for looks but he also has a weirdly attractive charme to him due to him still vaguely acting like an incubus. But even with that it’s like… he always manages to make Gortash be the only one that feels special, he’ll always just be around Gortash and he’ll always just turn his gaze to Gortash and he’ll only ever smile for Gortash. So it’s nothing that he says that kinda makes Gortash worried it’s Gortash's own feelings but also, aside from that, the fact that Cas is a person that tends to just leave and run away to avoid things. As in if they fight or if Gortash hurts Cas he will literally vanish off the face of the world for a while and I suppose theres a part in Gortash that is afraid that one day he will fuck up and Cas just never returns again

[beabnormal24]

Hi! For the shipping asks: 👅 💖 💔 (if you want to!)

Oooh, good one. i love answering asks.

1. 👅 (ship that you find most sexy)

I mean, Charlos, of course. I guess I don’t even need to explain myself on this one, but I guess I’ll do it anyway. I will say that in my personal opinion Carlos is the sexiest, in the sense that he has that sinuosity in his movements and that elegance and finesse in his gestures that just makes him incredibily sexy.

If you want to look at it in a figurative way, I see Carlos like Matthew Macfadyen in Pride and Prejudice, so hot in his austerity.

And Charles? Prettiest boy ever, so delicate but also clumsy and silly and sexy in that completely self conscious and self confident and effortless way that attractive people who are constantly giggling their asses off are. He’s the epitome of babygirlism and sassiness, but you should not doubt him - which is exactly what Carlos never does.

Figurative example? Jonathan Bailey as Tim Laughlin in Fellow Travelers during the ‘50-‘60s episodes.

Together? Sexiest ship alive.

2. 💖 (Ship that needs more love)

Since I am deeply undecided, I’ll offer two options.

First one, George Russell and Max Verstappen, also known as Gax. Why, do you say?

Their dynamics would be incredible, apart from the entire obvious enemies to lovers mechanism, let’s spend some time talking about their characterisation - because you all know how much I like that.

George, your next door British boy, curses in lower case and says Blimey and Crikey like it’s normal. He cares about his looks and his appearance. He’s thirsty for competition, neat, honest, proper, terribly impatient although he tries his very best to not let it show.

Now, Max? Curses in bold, replaces Hello and Hi with Shit and Fuck. Doesn’t care about his appearance as much as he cares about his own cats. He’s thirsty for competition, neat, honest, proper, terribly impatient and he lets it show.

Conclusion: they’re basically the same person, just in different fonts, similar in their dissimilarities.

One is Calibra Light, the other is Calibra Bold, and they’ll clash their horns against each other like angry deers, but then they’ll notice how good they actually look together, how good they work together, how good they match and boom…

No chances for anyone else, two puzzle pieces completing each other.

Uh, I might write something about that.

Anyway, second one? Alexander Albon and Logan Sargeant. And tell me if I even need to explain myself on this one.

They are the ship, they have everything!

Logan blushing furiously and falling for Alex’s teasing and looking at him longingly and smiling like a lovesick fool whenever Alex gives him attention or jokes about his obsession with America. He’s so enamoured with Alex that he even started copying some of his attitudes, because he’s that in love.

But let’s be clear, Alex is falling just as hard, because Logan is so cute and he likes the way there’s someone who actually looks up at him - not only figuratively, lol, because Nicholas is tall - and he blushes in such a cute shade of red when he calls him Logie Bear.

Alex might be a little bit obsessed with him.

I need to write about them.

3. 💔 (ship that makes you sad)

I honestly don’t know how to answer this one, I guess it is based on personal interpretation.

I would probably say that the one that makes me a little bit sad is Dando.

Ironic, you may say, but let’s think about it for a second.

They started to bloom a little late, because Lando was still attached to Carlos and Daniel isn’t as careful around boundaries as he should be in certain situations, and although Lando has clearly grown into an overconfident young man that we love to see thriving, he does initially still need some limits - like Carlos and Oscar had religiously respected.

But then they had bloomed, they started getting along like a house on fire. People do not realise how hard it actually is to become so close in such contexts without having any strings from before - like Alex and George or Charles and Pierre or Oscar and Logan and so on.

Lando went to his house in Perth, voluntarily, just to spend time with him and do crazy stuff on his farm and have the time of his life with someone that is ten years older than him.

But they get along so well that who does even care about age differences?

But just as they started to really develop through their relationship, shit happened and they got separated.

I’m really glad they still bloomed - sharing clothes like in Monaco and sharing jet rides and visiting each other and going to dinners together and stuff - but it does make me a little sad the thought that, in some twisted way, things still tried to put themselves through their building affection.

It also makes me sad the fact that, because of all of that, they didn’t get to shine as bright as they deserved.

That’s it, hope you liked my answers and please Ant let me know about yours, too! 🩷🩷

[ineffableskywalker]

Intersectionality: the overlap between autism and polyamory

(Or: why I find deep fulfillment in being autistic + polyamorous)

When I got the written report from my autism evaluation, two of the things that were cited in the section describing my social function were my difficulty describing romantic relationships and my (self-reported) difficulty differentiating between platonic and romantic intimacy.

Societally, relationships seem to be friendships or romantic partnerships. It’s also expected that, at a certain point, a romantic partnership will become the primary relationship, and all other relationships will be secondary.

As an autistic person (who’s also somewhere on the ace spectrum), my relationships very rarely feel black and white. Usually? They’re a very murky gray. The people I enjoy spending time around are the people I enjoy spending time around, regardless of romantic or platonic attraction.

It’s not that I don’t understand social norms. Conceptually, social norms make sense. But, that doesn’t mean I feel obligated to live my life that way. And, just because that’s “just the way things have always been”, doesn’t mean it *should* be.

There is no *should* be. I’m queer and autistic! My relationships are never going to fit into societal norms! However, that doesn’t mean I can’t be conscious or deliberate about them, and that’s exactly what polyamory (and, more specifically, relationship anarchy) gives me the freedom to do.

Rather than tailoring my relationships to fit in pre-prescribed boxes that feel inauthentic and ineffective based on societal norms, my partners and I have the freedom to work together and establish dynamics that meet both our needs; ones that are safe, healthy, and grounded in mutual respect and affection.

This approach isn’t just revolutionary for romantic or sexual relationships, either. It allows me to show up more authentically in my friendships, too. Even my familial relationships reap the benefits; by making relationship negotiation and discussion a regular part of my life, I gain practice with setting boundaries, and my family members know what to and not to expect from me.

It also means that I’m not closing myself off to potential connections. If a deep friendship develops a sexual or romantic component, it’s allowed to grow and flourish.

Lastly, it means that my loved ones are not only allowed but encouraged to have other deep, emotionally enriching and fulfilling relationships, and that I get to bask in the sheer joy of seeing them happy as well.

[journalofimprobablethings]

A snippet from a very self-indulgent Somewhere Else coffee shop AU that popped into my head this week (I'm hoping to have it finished in full soon..? if my writing brain cooperates):

--

The first time they come in, they're just another customer.

A very attractive customer, truth be told. They have long black hair threaded with silver, pulled back into a neat braid, and a thin face with a prominent nose that your mother would call "beaky" but you think is very elegant. Their scuffed dark denim jacket is covered in enamel pins, including several pride pins and one shaped like a Highland cow that you covet immediately. A small emerald stud glints in one ear to round out their look. You sternly tell yourself not to stare, and focus on the woman in front of you giving a complicated latte order.

And that's all they would have been—just an attractive customer—if it weren't for what happens when they reach the counter.

You smile at them as they step up. "Hi, what can I get started for you?" 

They look up at you with wide eyes, and at first you think you've just caught them off guard, but their expression when they look at you is—

"Deer in the headlights" is the cliche that jumps immediately to mind, if the deer's face could also convey a mix of horror and sadness and strange joy so strong that it seems the stranger stops breathing entirely. It's so unexpected that you in turn are caught in their gaze, and for a moment you are both just frozen there, staring at each other.

(Some rear part of your brain notes with surprise that their eyes are brown. You don't know why, but for some reason you expected them to be green.)

It's about at that point that you realize you've spent rather longer than is strictly polite staring into this stranger's eyes.

"Sorry, I—are you all right?"

The question seems to shake them out of their reverie, and they blink, their cheeks darkening with embarrassment.

 "I'm—yes—I-I-I'm sorry, I—um—just an earl grey tea, please."

You nod, grateful to have a script to fall back on, something to ground you in the strangeness of this encounter.

"Sure thing. Can I get a name for the order?"

They suck in a sharp breath, as though the question pains them. 

"Jon," they say. "It's—it's Jon."

"Nice to meet you, Jon," you almost say, as a joke to lighten the atmosphere—but something tells you you're better off biting your tongue, and you finish the transaction in silence. Jon seems grateful not to have to talk, giving only a nod of thanks before moving away.

You can't help but watch them go, wondering what it was they saw in your face that made them look like that—wondering why watching them walk away makes you feel so inexplicably sad.

They hover near the end of the counter as you take the next order, and it seems like their making a conscious effort to look anywhere but back at you.

There's a lull after you take the next few orders, so you go ahead and make their tea for them to take your mind off things. Four minutes' steep for the earl grey, and when it's done, you add a splash of cream and a spoonful of honey without thinking before putting on a lid to bring it over. 

It's not until you go to hand it over to them and see them staring at you that you realize what you've done.

"Oh, god. I'm so sorry," you say. "We usually never put anything in unless you ask, I don't know why I—I can make you another if you don't mind waiting a few minutes, I'm so sorry—"

But they've already taken the cup from you as you're babbling.

"No, it—it's no trouble." They take a sip, and for a moment it looks like there are tears in their eyes. But then they smile, a small smile that softens all the hard angles of their face in a lovely way that definitely doesn't set your heart fluttering in your chest. "It's perfect. Thank you, Martin."

"O-of course," you say, and you're about to ask how they know your name until you remember that name tags exist.

There's still something sad about their smile, and even as you watch it wobbles, replaced by an expression of such grief that it hurts to look at. You almost ask what's wrong, but then you are called back to the register, and by the time you are finished and turn back to look for them, Jon is gone.

You'd be lying if you said you didn't spend the rest of the shift thinking about them. Wondering what it was about a cup of earl grey that brought tears to their eyes. 

It's not until you go to the back to gather your things and go home that you notice your name tag sitting at the bottom of your locker, where it must have fallen off your apron. 

You haven't been wearing it all day.

-- Part 2 | Part 3

[your-bigender-big-brother]

In English class this semester, we were tasked with writing an essay on a step-by-step process. I did mine on How to Be a Man and I have it below for anyone who wants to check it out!

How to Be a Man

Step one: Be a girl first. You wake up one morning, your mother’s daughter. You have to pick out an outfit for school and look in your closet: You see pinks, yellows, soft colors, soft textures, curvy shirts, some with lace trim and some made of satin. Sure, you can wear jeans if you want. They’re the ones with the little flowers decorating the cuffs. The back pockets have a little design sewn into them, swirling threads forming the shape of a blooming rose. Your hair is too long so it might get tied back into a ponytail with a fun little scrunchy, or maybe it’ll get French-braided and tied off with a brightly colored elastic tie. You don’t wear makeup, at least not yet. You’re 13, but you still feel too young to be wearing eyeshadow or lipstick or anything like that. Still, you have to do something to keep people off your back so they will stop judging you for not being a “normal girl.” So you wear the girly things, you braid your hair, and you adorn yourself with pastel flowers in a myriad of colors.

Your mother always gave you mixed messages on how to dress properly, “lady-like.” She expects you to look girly, but you can’t wear anything too revealing. You want the dresses, the skirts, the shirts to scream “I’m a girl!” but you don’t want them to be too short or too form-fitting. This leaves few options you can use for school. Why were you even allowed to have these clothes in the first place if they’re only seen as rule breaking and inappropriate? And how do you know what’s appropriate for a hairstyle? You have a lot of hair, thick and cascading down to your waist, and you hope that a simple ponytail is sufficient enough to go with your outfit. After some consideration, you decide to wear a simple T-shirt and jeans. It’s a tomboyish outfit, but it’s so much better than stressing out over what counts as girly enough.

The bus ride to school is the same as always: You get the occasional sideways glances and sneers as you walk by to take your seat. You’re made to feel unnecessarily self-conscious about your long frizzy hair. It's always been a point of interest to other kids, but never in a positive way. They hate how messy it looks, how it's only ever in a ponytail but never really styled. “Why doesn’t she ever gel it? It looks so nasty like that.” You sit in the back of the bus by yourself, wishing you could just shrink away until you were invisible and away from the jeers and stares of your peers. Thankfully you chose the jeans because that means you can bring your legs up on the seat and wrap your arms around them. Somehow, you never feel as small as you try to make yourself look. You feel big, loud, like you’re some weird creature that stumbled onto the bus to bother everyone.

In class, your voice is laced with uncertainty whenever you do happen to muster up the courage to speak. You’re too aware of how your voice breaks and wavers and tapers off awkwardly at the end, as if anything that came out of your mouth was hardly planned before it was blurted out. Nothing you have to say feels like it’s worth sharing, as your answers to the teacher’s questions are always too wordy. The other students give you weird looks as you ramble, but they don’t understand that you’re just very passionate about some subjects and want to reflect that in how you respond to questions. Most of the time, you keep your head down so as not to attract any unwanted attention. Your parents always warned you that you talk too much, that you’re being too rambunctious and not acting enough like a lady. But you enjoy talking about things you’re passionate about, loudly and proudly. How can you be a lady and still be heard? Do only the boys get to be so confident?

Step two: Realize you’re doing it wrong. Lunchtime is as usual, a chaotic mass of students all shouting and laughing and acting like it’s recess from their earlier school years. You get lost in the sea, which helps you stay unnoticed as you slink in through the big double doors and get in line for food. The line is the hardest part because you’re now out in the open, standing in the middle of the room, while those who are already seated can see you standing awkwardly. There’s no way to pull your arms in any closer and you don’t have the comfort of a chair to pull your legs in, so you just wait there with your eyes to the floor. You feel small enough and yet too tall all at the same time, a recent growth spurt turning you into a gangly façade of womanhood. There are a lot of other girls in line and they look so pretty with their slim-cut shirts, delicate gold bracelets, and sophisticated hairstyles that were done by their mothers. They don’t all wear jeans and in fact, you see plenty of skirts and those pocketless trousers you don’t know the name of. In fact, a lot of them look like they took one look at a Tiger Beat or Seventeen magazine and emulated the popular styles from them. You've never liked those magazines.

You take your seat where the fewest number of kids are seated, but you can still feel their stares on you. You hope they wouldn’t notice you or watch you eat, because you know that your table manners are far from ladylike. Thankfully, the food isn’t too messy, so you don’t have to keep too close an eye on how you’re eating it. Still, it feels awkward to be here. The girls around you are gossiping, laughing, making weekend plans. You’ve never been invited to anything you hear them talking about, but you doubt you’d be very interested anyway. As you’re leaving the cafeteria, you learn that someone’s put gum in your hair. Again.

Step three: Be a man. You go home and look at yourself in the mirror. It isn’t you, but some weird version of you that your parents created. This soft face, this heavy hair, this slender body. It's like looking at a stranger who's too familiar for your own comfort. Beside you on the shelf you see what will become the instrument of your own freedom: The hair clippers. You don’t know how to cut hair but you know you need the weight gone, so you pick a random number - a 2 or a 3 or whatever - and use the corresponding guard to cut the hair. Brown coils fall onto the floor as you cut and before long, your feet are no longer visible. You cut until there isn't anything left to cut and when you look down, you stare at the pile for a moment. You wonder how much of this weight was hair and how much of it was girlhood. As you turn to grab a broom, you catch a glimpse of someone in the mirror. This person still isn't you, but it's more you than you've ever been before.

Somewhere in your closet are big baggy T-shirts that you usually wear to bed, but they should work perfectly for a more boyish look. You lay one particular band tee out to wear tomorrow, hoping it’s enough to cover up your shape. If you could have a nondescript silhouette, you would. Over the weekend, you decide to buy yourself some new jeans and a big hoodie to wear over your shirt. Despite the layers of oversized shirts, you feel bigger than ever.

This time, you’re more than ready for school. Your hair, a burden of the past, now short and boyish. Your clothes are new, a better reflection of who you really are, and you feel as though you can confidently walk through those doors as the new you. There’s no more trepidation, no more being told you’re not girly enough. You feel like you can take on the world with this new you. You speak more clearly, the waver in your voice gone. There’s no question as to whether you’re doing this right, only whether what you're doing is right for you. You are a self-made man, one created in your own image. This face, this hair, this body is now a temple of your own making. The stranger who stared back at you for so many years is gone, swept into a dustpan along with the brown coils, the pastel flowers, and your girlhood. Now someone else has taken their place. Someone who is somehow new and familiar simultaneously: You.