#they're all assholes

[dolokhoded]

80-ish jesus 'verse disciple headcanons pt. 1 (peter, john, magdalene)

[ bc i gotta put those somewhere. i still dont know if this is set in the actual 80s in a normal timeline or if the whole universe is completely made up. i'll figure it out. shit's hard when jesus' existence as some normal living dude implies a definitive aspect of today's society doesn't exist at all yet ]

PETER

jesus’ right hand man yadda yadda

the most repressed man you will ever meet

very loyal, but quite close minded. until he meets jesus, at least, that’s peter’s whole thing

he really does believe the things jesus stands for but it's hard to change the mindset he was raised on in a day

he learns to accept people who are different than him. he learns to accept himself while we’re at it. ANYWAYS

peter gets married in his early twenties. not entirely because of religion or tradition or whatever, he really did love his wife and because they were in their twenties and they were stupid they found it to be the next logical step in their relationship

he’s poly

he doesn’t realize this until after he’s married and represses it forever despite literally being surrounded by queer people (assume everyone is queer unless i explicitly say they're not)

he sorts it out eventually. illa knows

that's his wife. she's a chemist and an environmental activist, they do love each other very much but they get divorced in the end because she gets offered a job in a project in norway that i would elaborate on if i knew jack about science, and decides she wants to live in different countries and travel the world

moral of the story don't get married when you're twenty and don't know what you want to do with your life yet

has some sort of personal feud with magdalene ???

she thinks it’s cause he hates women

it sort of is. he feels threatened by her. but also he wouldn’t care this much if it wasn’t personal

(really he's just very attracted to her. he doesn't like her, he doesn't exactly love her but they do feel closer to each other than all the other disciples but he's not in love with her. it's the same for her. but she's aro. they have a weird thing going on don't ask me, it's definitely a little intensified just because they never acknowledge or discuss it but whatever)

i know i’m making this guy seem like a major asshole and that’s because he is. but also they all are. he’s working on it !

andrew’s older brother and also the exact opposite of andrew

deep down he kind of envies him

peter works his family's business, at least until he cuts his parents off. don't ask me what the business is it doesn't matter

sells fishing equipment or something

can cook with some assistance. not kitchen banned.

JOHN

grew up with very open-minded parents, but was still very sheltered.

he's a youngest child, so he was a little fussed over. his mother was very protective of him which led to him moving out of the family home and having to call his brother to ask how you make a doctor appointment

then having said brother james make the appointment for him because he was shy

idea guy. very creative very innovative. not always successful but at least his brain somewhat works?

the youngest of the group. 24 when big james was 28, jesus was 30, peter and magdalene were 32. i'll come up with a comprehensive age chart soon

majored in journalism when he joined the group, met matthew in class and roped him in

decided to change his major to creative writing

uses a typewriter to write. i haven't decided exactly what the fuck is going on with this verse, i'm leaning towards setting it in the 80s where everyone uses typewriters anyways but it's important that you know john would use a typewriter even if he had access to a laptop.

(with recycled paper of course)

likes to doodle on the margins when he's editing his shit. he's very right brained.

judas' narrative foil, therefore they hate each other

they don't full on scream death threats at each other at meetings like peter and magdalene but the passive aggression is there

LMAO ALL I TALK ABOUT IS THIS GROUP FUCKING HATING EACH OTHER i swear deep down they love each other uhhhh

matthew, he likes matthew. they're writing buddies

and peter and simon z and little james. and mary beth. john's cool with magdalene too

and philip and thad. everyone likes philip and thad they have 0 enemies

and everyone likes jesus. except judas who doesn't but it's okay cause he's in love with him.

some of them they like each other i promise. anyways, sorry, john.

cannot cook, but not kitchen banned

MAGDALENE

mary magdalene. obviously.

we have around three hundred marys so she goes by magdalene. though i find it more fitting anyways.

magdalene didn't know her father, her mother was lovely but she died of cancer when she was 10. susanna is the daughter of her godmother who lost custody of her when susanna was 15 because she had a drug addiction

so like. starting out with some lovely stuff

magdalene was in foster care until she was 16. then susanna turned 18 and she lived with her, finished school and started working any random job that helped them make rent

susanna is the only person magdalene can always rely on. and vice versa. she's a barber.

which i thought of before i realized susanna is also the name of the wife of figaro barber of seville. but isn't that hilarious.

anyways it's been rough for these two but it gets better i promise. they make it.

magdalene's working like three jobs trying to make enough to go to university, she wants to be a social worker. preferably work with inmates.

she's aropansexual

weird thing with peter is not of romantic nature. maybe queerplatonic except they're not friends. queeraggressive if anything.

it's just a thing. it's a sixth sense only aromantic people can comprehend. don't question it.

despite everything magdalene is an optimistic person. she's got a grasp on reality, but she's not scared of having her own dreams and ambitions, she's not going to let her past stop her from moving forward

she's had one serious girlfriend before she realized she didn't want to be in a romantic relationship at all and it was fucking crazy

she was very insecure already and magdalene kept enabling it by constantly ignoring her and seeming disinterested (which she was cause she was aro) which made the girl feel like she was only using her for sex and then she started getting paranoid and accusing her of cheating on her and it rlly escalated. crazy shit.

the girl was like. slightly more reasonable than magdalene is and one day just decided that aight im out of here and left. and then magdalene had a breakdown and tried to convince her not to leave because she needed to prove to herself that she was capable of love

yeah my girl is not okay. did you expect her to be well in her brain cause she's not

so yeah crazy shit. she works through it.

cannot cook. kitchen banned.

[bixels]

This Twitter MLP human redesign drama is a mess, leave me the fuck out of it.

[boudicca]

comics have been going downhill ever since someone in the late 2000s decided that characters should stop being bitches and obnoxious assholes. peter parker is a nice guy. kate bishop is quirky. modern amadeus cho probably wouldn't even tell reed richards to kill himself. where is the bitchery? the cuntism? these days all we have is scott summers

[lloydfrontera]

the webcomic can have one (1) funny "earnest moment interrupted by comedy" joke. as a treat. but also because it is so in character for them ajkshdjkas

yes they will say the most earnest shit to each other and then immediately try to cringe out of their own bodies. they are best friends but they would rather jump out of a window before admitting it. they are incredibly devoted and grateful to one another but you could not water board that out of either of them.

the only thing that can get either of them to admit how much they care for each other is if the other is in life threatening danger and not a second before aakjshdks

[deafening-radio-silence]

I think that Dr. Christina "I was an excellent soldier" Raynor needs to deal with some personal things before she's anyone's therapist, because she strong-armed more of Bucky's autonomy away from him than Zemo did within the series.

[cloudcountry]

while playing the masquerade event i was hit with the realization that the students from nrc are quite literally the terrible tourists rollo was talking about. and im almost CERTAIN they've been just as bad every other event. like you have ruggie who was about to steal a shops hard earned money, you have epel and deuce that were saying their bread wasn't special before even trying it, you have ruggie AGAIN saying that the historic toys they make are just chunks of wood and don't have any value. these people suck and should not be permitted to travel. all they're doing is making a nuisance of themselves.

[inkskinned]

maybe i'm a bitch but if i hear you go out of your way to judge someone's weight, i immediately lose trust in you & will probably forever find you a little unbearable . yes also the little floating bar over my head will start reading [hostile]. this is natural and u caused it.

[hoofpeet]

Can't take this concept super seriously because it kinda makes me sad then but I think it would be really funny if Ingo & Emmet legitimately lowkey despised each other and only worked together because it's part of the gimmick

[gonnahaveabigtalklater]

shoutout to the absolute Biggest Dick moment in the entire game

[batsplat]

Jerez 2005 | Misano 2019: Valentino Rossi and Marc Marquez celebrate victory on enemy soil amid booing from the spectators

[pseudophan]

i feel like this goes without saying but just for the record my annual eurovision posting is obviously not happening tomorrow. i was originally going to pirate it and just not post about it at all, but after all the bullshit svt and the ebu have been pulling i don't even want to watch it illegally. fuck all of that bullshit. i will be following the news cause i am very curious to see what's gonna happen, especially because i think israel is very likely to win, which makes sense since unfortunately you can't vote against anyone and MOST anti-israel people are boycotting and so it stands to reason that all the pro-israel assholes will vote as much as they can to make a point about how pro genocide they are.

if you are watching still (illegally i hope! don't give them streams! and don't vote!) you can still send me asks about it but i probably won't post them unless it's specifically anti israel/pro palestine

i delusionally do hope one day we'll be able to watch eurovision again, but as long as israel (and a couple of other countries if we're being real) are in it it's not fucking worth it. and even if they do ban israel, if they don't replace the entire board currently at the ebu, or at least whoever is pushing this bullshit if somehow it's not all of them, i'm out lol. and that sucks so fucking bad because eurovision has been one of my main sources of joy since i was like six years old. but it's not fucking worth it.

[tennessoui]

ok this is so self-indulgent that yall are gonna run me off my blog but

au where obi-wan hosts fancy wine&dinner parties, as he’s a renowned chef and retired sommelier (wine expert). the theme of this party is for everyone to bring a bottle of wine and a food that they think will pair well with the tasting notes in their chosen wine, and be prepared to explain their choices to the rest of the dinner-goers.

when anakin (invited by padmé, currently in grad school, easily the youngest and dirtiest person to have ever sat on obi-wan’s nice leather settee) shows up with a bottle of wine that still has the price tag on it ($13 for a “maker’s red mix”) and a bag of flaming hot cheetos, obi-wan knows they’re absolutely going to have hate sex about it

then anakin gets up for his turn to explain his choice and he bullshits so fantastically well, using all the words he just heard these upper class bougie snobs say and using them correctly, that obi-wan is genuinely actually impressed.

oh they’re still going to have hate sex, 100%, but now obi-wan respects the man enough to make him breakfast in the morning

(it’s eggs benedict florentine with house-made hollandaise sauce and freshly baked english muffins obi-wan got up early to bake, and halfway through poaching the final egg he looks over and anakin is leaning against his counter, eating granola by the handful out of the bag as he watches)

[krysmcscience]

I will be the first to admit I'm not the best at drawing animal or furry characters, but I wanted to get something scribbled down in my Non-Goof style, anyway. Plus, I've been enjoying the many reference pages folks were posting of their own designs for the Lamb and Narinder, so, uh. Here's mine, I guess! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

do not comment on how long narinder's tail is or i swear to the lamb i will make it even longer next time >:]

[awildtei]

I can't remember whether Neil has canonically killed anyone, but for my own amusement I like to pretend he hasn't because it's just... so fucking funny if he hasn't and Aaron has.

I don't know who would be more annoyed that Aaron "pre-med student, nerd, dating a cheerleader" Minyard has killed a man and Neil "runaway son of a mobster, technically owned by the Yakuza, has been kidnapped" Josten hasn't, Neil or Aaron.

Them bickering and Neil being like "You wouldn't have survived a single day on the run from my father" and Aaron raising an unimpressed eyebrow and saying "Oh really? How many people have you killed? At least I know when it comes down to it I'm ready to do it, you just stand there and freeze." and Neil seething because fuck, he kind of has a point.

Or Aaron saying something about how he has a moral compass and Neil doesn't and Neil going "Okay, murderer." and Aaron realizing in horror he has killed 1 (one) more person than Neil Fucking Josten.

[uncriticalbunny]

sydney and carmy have such a deranged dynamic so it's very funny when people try to put them in a "professional coworkers" box like bffr nothing about their relationship is professional

[hella1975]

okay it's 1pm and i willingly unprompted said to my mate 'hey if we make this a competition on who can finish our finance report first that'll make us way more productive' (bc we're both hateful people) and she agreed and our deadline is 3pm i will keep you posted