#they're kicking in

[peninkwrites]

The Showfall Aftershow!

THIS TRANSCRIPT AND ALL OF ITS CONTENTS ARE THE PROPERTY OF SHOWFALL MEDIA. THIS TRANSCRIPT IS IN REVISION AND CANNOT BE PUBLISHED UNTIL THE REVISED TEXT HAS BEEN REMOVED. ANY DISTRIBUTION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT REVISION WILL BE CONSIDERED AN AUDITION TO JOIN THE CAST. THE TRANSCRIPT CAN ALSO BE ACCESSED ON THE ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN FOR CHAPTERED READING

THE HOST: Welcome back to the Showfall After Show!  As always, I have the honor of hosting on behalf of Showfall Media.   For those new to Showfall, this is where we get into the nitty gritty of the volume, where we talk about our favorite moments, the unexpected twists, and of course, recognize our top-tier talents!

[applause]

TH: [laughs] Glad to hear we’re all excited!  I will say, just like this was a very special volume, this is a very special After Show.  For the first time ever, Showfall aired to a live audience!  To celebrate that, we’re going try another first, interviewing the whole cast tonight! 

[applause]

TH: I can hardly wait!  And what a cast do we have tonight!  Kicking off this Premiere of Showfall’s first cast interview: you were endeared to him from the moment he talked about his pet fish, you laughed at his antics, and cried when he finally died, let’s welcome Ethan Nestor!

[applause]

ETHAN NESTOR:  Hello?  Where am I?  I thought I… I don’t understand.  Please, please, can you help me?

ETHAN NESTOR: Thank you!  Thank you all so much, it's really just such an honor to be here.

[applause]

TH:  And we’re happy to have you, Ethan!  Tell us, how did it feel, to be the first to speak on the carousel?  No pressure, right? [laughs]

EN: Why are you laughing?  I don’t understand.  I don’t know where I am, I… I didn’t want to be there, I wanted to go home.  But I

EN: [laughs] Right!  No pressure at all, huh?

TH: But I’ll say you handled it with grace!  We could tell you were a little nervous, do you mind telling us why that is?  Was it just first day jitters, or something more?

EN: I said I want to go home!  But I… I remember I went through that doorway and… oh fuck, I… I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t understand

EN: I mean, yeah, you could say first day jitters, for sure.  But at the same time, some of the nerves were totally from having to plead for my life, y’know?

TH: We’ve all been there!

EN: What the fuck are you talking about?!  I… I was scared out of my fucking mind, I don’t…

[audience laughter]

EN: This is just a fucking joke, huh?!  I… why can’t I move?  Why can’t I… I want to leave, but I can’t move, why can’t I move

EN: [laughs] I know, right?  But I think I did a good job pleading my case!  I… I know I got a little choked up there, which was a little embarrassing.

TH: No, no it’s not embarrassing at all!  I think we all were touched by your speech about your beloved fish, Turner.  Am I right, folks?

[audience ‘aw’s]

EN: Who the fuck is Turner?!

EN: I mean, I just love the little guy so much!  Aw, dang, I’m… I’m getting choked up now!

TH: That’s okay, Ethan!  Who could blame you?  Now, I have to ask, were you disappointed when the audience didn’t pick you?

EN: A little, sure, but I understand it was some tough competition.  We all wanted to make it out of there alive, you know?

TH: [laughs] So true!

EN: But it wasn’t fair, right?  It… it didn’t have to be like… what the fuck is happening?  I died

EN: I know it was a bit of a hiccup in the show, when the Puzzler shot Nihachu point blank–

TH: Twice!

[laughter]

EN: What about… what about the other guy?  What about Vinny?  He died too, he died, I died, wait.  Why isn’t anyone fucking listening to me?!  I died

EN: Right, [laughs] twice, but I mean, it ended up being an opportunity, huh?  In the long run, of course.

TH: True, but not a very long run, am I right?

[laughter]

TH:  Now, you made it pretty far, but that last puzzle you got… well, you were caught between a rock and a hard place, huh?  Well, not as much as Austin was!

[laughter]

EN: He didn’t make it?  None of them made it?  Did I make it?

EN: I sure was, but yeah, [laughs], not as much as Austin!

TH: So, Ethan, did you have any regrets in that last moment?

EN: I just don’t fucking understand, I don’t know why I can’t move, I think I’m dead, I think I’m supposed to be dead, but I

EN: No, Host, I don’t think I did, actually.  I was proud of what I did accomplish, you know, in the time I was given, I guess, actually…

TH: Oh?  Is there something?

EN: Yes!  Yes there’s fucking something!  I should be dead!  But no one can fucking hear me!

EN: I guess, I just wish I could’ve seen Turner one last time, just, looked into his little eyes…

EN: Fucking hell, this can’t be happening

TH: Do you think he was out there?  Cheering you on?

EN: I thought he was supposed to be a fish

EN: I know he was.  Up until the very end.

TH: Beautifully put, Ethan.  Thank you so much for coming out tonight.  Can we give him another round, folks?

[applause]

EN: Wait!  Wait, don’t!  Don’t take me away again!  Please, why can’t I just go?  Why didn’t I die?  Why can’t anyone hear me?!

EN: It was my pleasure!

[applause]

TH: What a fun start to the evening!  Unemployed or not, that lovable scamp sure touched our hearts, right folks?

[applause]

TH: We've got plenty more interviews to come!

TH:  Next in the line up, a hoarder full of tricks, you cheered when he succeeded, and laughed at his hilarious misfortune, give it up for the comic relief, Vinny Vinesauce!

VINNY VINESAUCE: How's it going tonight, everybody?

[laughter]

TH: Welcome!

VV: Did I make it?  I was… I made it across the room, is this what comes after?  Did I make it?

VV: It’s great to be here!

TH: So, Vinny, you served as a spur of the moment stand in for Nihachu, am I right?

VV:  She was dead.  A woman died, why are you acting like it didn’t matter

VV: Yeah, yeah I did!

TH: How did it feel, having to hop in last minute; challenging?  Exciting?  Did you feel ready?

VV: She was dead.  That scared me, I know it did, so why

VV: Well, I felt pretty lucky.  I was given an opportunity!  I mean, not gonna lie, I was a little thrown off when I came into the candy room and saw her corpse, but I got into the groove of things pretty quick!

TH: You definitely did!  I think we were all blown away with how you surprised us in the laser room.

VV: I made it across, it… it doesn’t make sense, but I did, right?  So, does that mean I get to live?  Is that what this is?  Hello?  Are you guys hearing me at all?

VV: It surprised me too!

[laughter]

TH: But you’d done it before, yes?  Isn’t that what you said?

VV: When?

VV: Yeah!  Of course, lots of times.

TH: So what surprised you, then?

VV: I mean, I gotta say I was a little surprised about the twist after that!

TH: Oh, skipping right to your ending, huh?  I know we all got a laugh after you got your head crushed by that anvil!  What were you thinking in those last moments?

VV:  I’m dead.  Oh my god, wait, I remember, I’m actually fucking dead, so how am I

VV: Mostly just, ‘oh no’.

[laughter]

TH: Of course!  Thanks for coming out, Vinny!  Don’t let an anvil hit you on the way out!

VV: [laughs] I’ll do my best!

TH: Let’s give it up for Vinny one last time, cheers to him getting through his hoarding problem and showing up!

[applause]

TH:  Now, moving on to the fan favorite, our female lead, the nicest girl around, Niki Nihachu!

NIKI NIHACHU: What’s… what’re you doing?  What are you saying?  Did you say female lead?  Because I was the only girl there?

NIKI NIHACHU: Hi, Host!  Hi!  How are you all doing?

TH: Oh, we’re doing just great, Niki!  How are you doing?  No tears yet today?

NN: No, no I’m not crying, I’m fucking pissed off, okay?  I did what I was told, I… I played nice and I got taken out of the game early.

NN: [giggles]  No, not yet!

TH: So, Niki, how did it feel when the audience picked you?

NN: I should have kept going and it’s not fucking fair.

NN: Oh, I was so relieved, Host.  I couldn’t believe it!

TH: Really?  But you’re so nice!  How could they not pick you?

NN: Are we not going to fucking talk about how I got cheated?!  I… I was shot!  I… wait, wait I was shot, so…

NN: I don’t know, there were so many cool, impressive people they could have picked, and I’m just, you know, a girl who wanted to live!

[audience ‘aw’s]

NN: I wanted to live!  I still want to live!  I’m here!  I’m in here, I don’t… I don’t know how, but I’m still alive!  Last time, I tried, I told you all I was still alive, he shot me and I was still fucking alive!

TH: And that’s all you need to be, Niki.

NN: I was still alive!  I could’ve lived, and he… he shot me again!  He shot me again, and you let him!  You all let him kill me!

NN: Thank you, I’m touched.

TH: Now, I don’t mean to press, but do you want to maybe talk about how you got a little… well, over emotional, at the start there?  We won’t blame you, a sweet girl like you, of course you’d cry when told you were going to be blown up!

NN: I… That was me.  No, it’s not… I remember doing that.  It wasn’t you all making me, I was breaking down because I didn’t want to die, and then you.. You made me stop.  How did you make me stop?!

NN: Oh, now I’m embarrassed!

TH: Aw, I bet some of the boys would’ve cried too if they were pushed a little further!

NN: [giggles] I guess I’m just sensitive!

NN: Why do I get ‘giggle’ when all the rest just laugh?  Why’d you turn me into this?!  Why did you… I don’t understand, I’m just… You made me weak.  All that could come through was the tears, I couldn’t fight.  How did you do that?

TH: Now, could we, real quick, talk about our little mishap at the end of your run?

NN: Oh, sure, but I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.  Accidents happen!  I’m sure the Puzzler didn’t mean anything by it when he pulled the trigger!

TH: Twice!

NN: [giggles] Yes, twice!  But still, I don’t want to make a fuss, it’s really alright!

TH: Aw, that’s so nice of you, Niki!

NN: I try!

TH: Now– Oh!  Are you feeling alright, Niki?

NN: Hm?  What?

TH: You’re crying.

NN: Oh! [giggle] I don’t know why I’m doing that!  It’s really fine!  It's no trouble, really.  I'm fine!

NN: I want to live… please, please someone help me, I want to live.  Please!  Please, someone fucking help me!  Please!  I didn’t want to die!  This isn’t fair!

TH: Well, thank you so much for coming out, Niki, and being your sweet self.

NN: I don’t want to die.  Please don’t make me go, please, it’s not fair!  I want to live!  Please.

NN: Thank you, Host!  I’m just so happy I could make everyone’s days just a little brighter.  I’m just so happy.

NN: Please.  I'm scared

NN: I'm just so happy.

TH: Wasn’t she lovely, folks?  Let’s give her another round of applause!

[applause]

TH: Let’s move on to an old favorite!  You all loved his apathy, his disdain, his witty quips, his bromance with his co-star, give it up for Sneegsnag!

SNEEGSNAG: Hey.  What's up?  Uh, crazy to be here tonight.  Just crazy.

TH: Are you sure you feel that way?  You sound pretty uninterested, Sneeg!

[laughter]

S:  I’m still here.  How the fuck am I still here?!

S: Ha, well, you know me.  I’m just kinda chill about it all, right?

TH: That you are!  Now, Sneeg, compared to some of your costars, we got to see more of you!  What was it like working on Episode 1?

S: Help!  One of you, fucking help me!  All of you!  Just stop sitting there doing nothing!

S: I mean, it was cool.  It was chill.  Being in a cage like, forever kinda sucked, but me and Frank made it work.  That was before the show technically started, though.

TH:  Right, Frank! Your zany co-star!  Word on the street is he was popular on set!

S: Frank, man!  Frank is the best.  He’s like, so funny and definitely has the best comebacks out of… out of anybody!

TH: You and Frank particularly were close, right?  Some might even call it a bromance?

S: I mean, yeah, you spend all of your living memory up until that point in a tiny cage with the guy, it forges a bond.  Without Frank, I probably would’ve tried to kill myself.  Like, just from the boredom part, not even counting that demon dude showing up sometimes.

TH: I mean, you wouldn’t be alone, that’s what Frank did!

[laughter]

S: There was a corpse in the room with me, all that time and I didn’t even know it.  I was in that cage for so fucking long, as long as… I dunno.  I don’t remember before that.  It was… it was a skeleton, but then… then I could see it, could see him, and the smell, fucking christ, the smell

S: [laughs] Yeah, I guess.  The middle part of the show wasn’t so bad.  It was kinda fun ragging on Ranboo.  He sorta sucked as a hero at the beginning.

TH: A hero’s journey is about growth, Sneeg!

S: Yeah.  Guess so.  Like, he couldn’t even stop me from getting ripped apart by that stupid shark thing.  I mean, he totally saw me screaming! Psh.

S: No, no I don’t want to remember that part, I don’t want to remember any of it, that fucking thing looking like a joke but the pain was real, the pain when it dragged me through the wall and started tearing

TH: True!  And not long before, the two of you went Mano a Mano!  Was that fun to film?

S: Huh?  Oh, yeah, I dunno.  Don’t remember that bit.  Got slimed.  Sorta shoved me out of my body for a little.

TH: Right, of course!  The slime!  Was the goop the worst part about that day on set, do you think?

S: It’s not slime!  Please, any of you, I fucking saw it!  It’s… it’s not fucking slime.

S: No, no if I’m not gonna say spending all of my living memory in a cage I’d probably say the bit where I stood still for eight hours.

TH: You weren’t entertained by the demons?

S: No.

TH: Oh.

S: I couldn’t move, man!  I literally could not move!  It wasn’t… it wasn’t eight hours.  It wasn’t, but it felt like it.  It hurt like it.  Fuck, how did they do that?!  My body just wouldn't do what I said, they took that control away from me, do none of you see that?!  Do you not see how fucked up it is?!

S: And after Ranboo woke back up, like, moving again after that much time was kinda like more torture. And more torture.

TH: Sneeg, you know how to complain like no one else!

S: I have a fucking right to!

S: Yeah and they continued to be totally incompetent.  Like, they so could’ve done something about the shark.

S: No, no shut up, I’m not saying that shit!  He was just some kid, I’m not… I’m not empty like that!  I care!  I fucking cared about him, you can’t just take that away!

TH: But they didn’t!  Do I sense some drama among the cast?

S:  He was just some fucking kid!  I said… I said I was gonna come back for him, but I didn’t even make it out.  Did anyone make it out?  Fuck, that thing tore me apart, I didn’t get out the fucking door, but I died, how the fuck did I die?!

S: What?  No, nah we’re chill.  He like, wiped the slime off me and picked me to come off the carousel.  He’s my boy.

TH: Should we talk about the carousel?  I think we should talk about the carousel.

S: I promised I was gonna come back and get them out

S: Uh.  Yeah.  I dunno.  Sure.

TH: You’ve got to admit, it was a little unprofessional, you leaving in the middle there.  Was there something more going on?

S: I saw it!  I saw him, I saw Charlie, disemboweled on the fucking table!  No one else could see the blood!  No one else saw the fucking rotting corpse chained up beside us!  Charlie was screaming!  He was fucking screaming because they tore him apart!  And no one did anything, no one was fucking moving!

S: No, nothing.  Shit happens, y’know?  I got back on, and got back to work.  I even survived for a long time, so.  That was pretty cool.  Sorta sucked when the Puzzler took my man Frank out of the game, but rules are rules.

TH: Rules are rules!  Are you feeling alright, Sneeg?  Not going to run out on us again, are you?  You’ve got that sort of hazy look again.

S: You don’t understand what I fucking saw!  You don’t know what’s really going on here!  There was so much blood!  Fuck… oh fucking hell, there was so much blood…

S: Nah, not planning on going anywhere.

TH: You know, I see you’re not wearing your hat today.

S: Uh, hat?

TH: Yeah! The hat that you acquired on the carousel.  It caused quite a buzz for the audience!  Would you like to tell us more about that?

S: Why was that it?!  It was a fucking hat!  It was covered in blood because it came from inside someone!  He was still alive, he was still screaming, how the fuck did they keep him alive like that, why did they keep him alive why are they keeping me alive

S: What, that I like to accessorize?  It was just kinda slimy because it came out of that dude on the hospital bed, but that’s about it.

TH: So, you can tell the folks at home there was nothing else to that hat?

S: Nope.

TH: Well, you heard it from the man himself!  The hat was just an accessory.  Thank you for showing up, Sneegsnag.

S: Not like I had a choice.

[laughter]

S: Stop it!  Stop fucking laughing!  You heard him, you heard me!  I said I don’t have a choice!  Does that not mean anything to you people?!  Hey!  Don’t fucking touch me!  I’m not walking away!  I’m not!  I’m not choosing to do this!  How do I stop?!  How do I fucking stop?!  I need this to stop!

TH: Wasn’t he just a riot?  What a guy!  But the night is only getting better!  On to the next interview, folks!

TH: The night is only getting better!  You know him as a smooth talker, witty and handsome to boot, please welcome our own Mr. Congeniality, Frank!

[uproarious applause]

FRANK:

[laughter]

TH: Good to see you!  Now, you’ve become a bit of an icon since the show.  How does all that attention feel?

F:

TH: Humble and handsome! Frank, you’re a delight!

F:

TH: I mean every word!  Now, Frank, you had a smaller role in the first episode, but you definitely made the most of it!  Were your jokes on the rocking horse improvised or scripted?

F:

TH: Interesting!  I think we were all sad that your charm stopped at the carousel.  Were you surprised that you weren’t picked?

F:

TH: I guess in that sense you were picked, huh?  That’s a nice way to look at it.

F:

[laughter]

TH: Speaking of, it looked like you and Sneeg were two peas in a pod for a while there!

F:

TH: Oh?  Really?

F:

[audience ‘aw’s]

TH: That’s so touching.  Really, a beautiful confession.  And… have you told him you feel this way?

F:

TH: Wow.  Well, I’m sure he feels the same way.

F:

TH: Sadly, Sneeg’s interview has already passed, so that’s all we have to go on, I’m afraid.  I guess you’ll never get to tell him how you feel, huh?  Ever!  Rotten luck.

F:

TH: I’d like to believe that too, Frank.

F:

TH: How profound!  Wow.  What a thought provoking note to end on.  I wish you could stay here all night, but sadly, we must move on.  One last round of applause for Frank!

[applause]

TH: Alright, folks, this shady character had us laughing from the moment he made up– I mean mentioned, his kids!  He’s gay, he’s a liar, and he is here for an interview!  Give it up for Austin of the AustinShow!

AUSTIN: Hey, what's this I hear about me making up my kids?

[laughter]

A:  No, no really, that wasn’t a joke.  I’m not lying.  I’m not!  I… I have them!  I have kids, and a wife.  A very real wife.

[laughter]

TH: Right, sure you do, Austin!  Let’s focus on the games for now, huh?  You showed up late to the party, right?  You and Ethan came through the tunnels all the way in the closet, but I’m guessing you’re not unfamiliar with closets, huh?

[laughter]

A: I– What?

A: This is just cheap.  And at least a little homophobic.  That’s it?  That’s the joke?  I’m gay and I’m lying about having a beard?  I died for this?  Really?  For this?  Wait, wait I died for… I died

TH: Don’t worry about it, Austin, let’s just talk about some of our favorite shenanigans of yours!  You and Ethan were really the bells of the ball, huh?  Some fierce competition between you two!

A: Yes, yes right, I mean, I was largely doing it to escape with my life, and return to my family–

TH: Sure you were!  How’d those heels fit, Austin?

A: I died,  you people killed me and all you could come up with is a man in a dress joke?  You’re pathetic.

A: Poorly, of course.  I… I could barely walk in them, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.

TH: Right, right.  Now, Austin, your ending.  It got pretty intense there, huh?

A: I spent my last hours running around like a panic, terrified idiot because of you people and I got crushed to death like it meant nothing.  You basically had me let myself die, didn’t you?

A: Oh, yes.  I fought my hardest.  Only one of us could go through, and I was so sure it had to be me.  I had people waiting on me, you know.

TH: That’s why you fought so hard, huh?  It seemed to me more like you were a bit of a chicken.  You’d been squeamish at the sight of blood through the whole show!

A: The others didn’t care!  Why didn’t they care?!  Ethan’s blood spilled out and they just stared at me like I was the crazy one!  I wasn’t crazy!  Even if they tried to make me be!

A: I prefer to think of myself as empathetic.  I saw people die, several, in fact.  Is that not supposed to leave a lasting impression?

TH: Now, considering your desperate drive to live, did you have any last wishes you didn’t get to fulfill before your untimely demise?

A: I just… I just wish I could tell my kids one last time how much their papa loves them.

TH:  Of course, I’m sure, of course.  And, what were their names again?

A: It’s– they’re– uh…

TH: I think I better let you off the hook, there, Austin, but thank you for showing up, even if you weren’t being entirely honest with us!

A: You won’t even let me say my last wishes!  You’ve killed me, and you’re puppeteering my corpse into being one last joke!  It’s sick!  You’re all sick!

A: But I was!  I was being honest!

TH: Of course, Austin.  Another round of applause for that very straight man, and the missus back home!

[laughter]

[applause]

TH: Alright, folks, our penultimate interviewee, a triple threat, the goopiest guy around, you loved him as the devil, you loved him as a patient, and you loved him live on twitch, just as he wanted to make– I mean give love to you, give it up for Charlie Slimecicle!

CHARLIE SLIMECICLE: Aha, that's me!  I'm the goopiest guy!  Wow!

TH: Now, Charlie, other than the hero, you played I’d say a very important role in the show!

CS: Multiple roles, actually!

[laughter]

TH: Can I ask which of the three was your favorite?

CS:  Hello?!  Hello?!  Somebody?!  Hello!  Where is he?!  Where’s Ranboo, what did you do to him?!  Ranboo!  Oh, oh god, how did I… I shouldn’t be… Ranboo!  Ranboo!

CS:  What the fuck did you do to him?!  Who are you people?!  I don’t know how I… how I got here, how I didn’t see it… oh god, please fucking tell me Ranboo made it out, please, please at least let me see him, so I know he’s okay, please, I’ll cooperate, I swear, I will

TH: Um, Charlie?  Too hard a question for you?

CS: What?  Oh, no, Host!  Sorry, just a lot of options to work through!

TH: I mean, there’s three?

[laughter]

CS: It’s a big decision!

CS:  No, no I’m not fucking doing this right now, I’m not.  I don’t care about your stupid games, I’m not going to believe in this, I’m not going to let you people make me believe in this ever again, but I’ll pretend, I will if you just tell me if Ranboo is okay, please just let him go

CS:  I think I’d have to say the hospital patient!

TH: Oh, what a fun choice!

CS: They disemboweled me!  They had that fucking kid disembowel me!  I was begging them to stop!  It should’ve killed me, it should’ve fucking killed me!  I wanted to die then but I didn’t!  And you people just had them keep tearing into me!  They fucking disemboweled me!

TH: Oops, looks like we’re getting some microphone feedback here!  Usually it only cuts out like this if there’s too much noise!  One second, folks!

CS:  Go ahead!  Smother me!  Kill me!  Drown me in my own fucking blood and call it slime!  I won’t stop screaming until you fucking put me down like a dog!  If that’s all we are to you people, then just shoot me like one!  Shoot me!

CS: Sorry, Host, what was the question?

TH: Favorite role!  You were talking about being the hospital patient?

CS: I’m not… I am not a person! [laughs]  I’m not!  You made me!  You made those memories of a cabin and a life and then you just took it all away!  So just tell me, I will do literally anything, I’ll stay in that miserable cabin alone, I’ll lie there while you rip me apart, I will sell myself on twitch, I don’t care, just please someone fucking tell me Ranboo got out okay!   Please!  Anyone?!  Any of you!  Please!

CS: I mean, it was so easy, right?  I just had to lie there and let Ranboo, y’know dig around! [laughs]

TH: And how did you fit all of that in your stomach, Charlie?

CS: What can I say!  I’m a hungry guy!

[laughter]

CS: Stop talking!  They gutted me and stuffed me with fucking garbage and I was still alive!  Is that it?!  I can't die?  Can any of us die?  Is that what this is?!  Oh, god, oh fuck, we can’t actually die [laughs] We can’t actually fucking die!

TH: Now, I know this isn’t about that role, but forgive me, I’m curious!  What was it like playing Ranboo’s sidekick?  We all loved that twist when they took off your headphones!

CS: Ha, what?

CS: That was… that was part of it?  That was part of the show?!  None of it was real?!  None of it was actually real?!  Where’s Ranboo?!  Where are all of them?!  Are we all still alive?!  Please, please I’m begging you, I’m begging you just stop hurting them, just leave Niki and… and Sneeg, and Ethan, and Ranboo,  Austin, Vinny, leave them alone, okay?  Or just… just please don’t do to them what you did to me.  Please, don’t make them play… play the hospital patient.  Just not that.  Just do it to me.  That’s all I ask.  Oh, fuck, what am I doing, none of you are listening!

TH: I mean, the action sequences, the chase scenes, it’s all so thrilling!  And the heartbreak of finding out it was all for nothing, it was all part of the show!  Or, sorry, I guess you weren’t there for that part!

CS:  Ha.  Yeah.  Of course.

CS:  They didn’t get out… it was all part of the show, it was all just nothing, they never had a chance, none of us had a fucking chance and even the stupid fucking part of me you programmed for this interview doesn’t know what to do anymore!  You broke it!  You beefed it!  You cannot just keep twisting people like this!  You can’t!

TH:  How about your death scene, huh?  Oh, I was about to cry when you were begging Ranboo to keep running, when the head of security finally took you over, I just got chills!

CS: I mean, what’s one more role, right, Host? [laugh]

TH: Are you feeling okay, Charlie?  You look a little green.

[laughter]

CS: I’m fine!  I’m doing great!  Probably just need some slime to recover from all that running!  I mean slime.  I mean slime.  I mean slime.  I mean slime–

CS: Time!  Say it!  Say fucking time!  Be a person for one freaking minute before we get cut open again!

TH: Well, okay then, Charlie, we’ll give you that slime! [laughs]

CS: (overlapping) I mean time.

TH: What was that?

CS: I meant time.  I meant to stay time.

TH: Did you now.

CS: Thank fucking god!  Ha!  You can’t bury me forever you fucked up assholes!

TH: Well, Charlie.  Clearly, you’re tired.  I think we should end the interview here and you can get some rest in the… capable hands of our Showfall staff, alright?

CS:  Sure thing, Host!

CS: Fucking do your worst!  What’re you gonna do, rip out my organs?!  Come at me, man!  I can’t control my body anymore, but you can’t fucking stop me from screaming at you until your stupid mics break!

TH:  Thank you for your slime, Charlie.

CS: Time.

TH: [laughs] No, no I definitely said slime!

CS: Whatever.

CS: Ha!  Whatever!

TH: Let’s move on to the last interview of the night!  I’m… I’m losing stamina!  Huh, folks?  Let’s… let’s try and keep the energy up, why don’t we?

[applause]

TH:  This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for!  Our hero!  Our Martyr!  Our favorite toy!  Put your hands together for the one, the only, Ranboo!

[applause]

Ranboo: What...?  Where... Where am– Wait, wait no.  No, this isn't fair, you said I could die!  Please!  Please, you said I could die!  it was supposed to end!  Please!

TH: Aw, it’s a bit early in the night for tears, Ranboo!  We haven’t even gotten to the interview questions yet!

R: Interview..?  I’m not… I’m not playing along anymore.  I don’t… I don’t care.  I don’t… I don’t want to do this, oh god, I don’t want to do this…

TH: Well, Ranboo, as your costar Sneeg said, you don’t have a choice!

[applause]

R: Stop it!  Just shut up!  Just let me die!  You voted for it!  You wanted it!  Kill me!

TH: Well, actually, you did die, Ranboo!  And then we brought you back!  Audience polls on the livestream voted to kill you, sure, but ratings say they really want you back.

R: Kill me!  Please, please just kill me!

TH: Now, Ranboo, how did it feel to play the hero on a Showfall production?  That’s a lot of pressure for a young star!

R: Kill me!  Just let me die!  Let me die!  Let me die! Let me die!

TH: Whoa, there, Ranboo, if you keep hitting your head back like that, you’ll hurt yourself, and we won’t be able to finish the interview!

R: Kill me!  Please!  Please, you lied!  You said you’d let me go!  You said you would!

TH: One moment, folks, I’m going to have some of our fantastic crew make sure Ranboo can complete the interview.  We wouldn’t want to let our wonderful viewers down, now, would we, Ranboo?

R: Stop it!  No, don’t– Don’t touch me!  Get off of me!  You said you’d kill me!  You said–

TH: Sorry, Ranboo, there’s no puzzles or rings of keys for you to go through on this one!

[laughter]

R: Let go of me!  Let me go!  Stop it, don’t touch me!  I don’t want– I don’t want you to–

TH: Much better!  You can still look at me, and the audience, but you won’t hit your head!  Let’s give it up for our great crew, give it up for the rats!  How they put up with these brooding young stars, I’ll never know!

[applause]

R: I swear to god, I will find a way to kill myself if you people don’t–

TH: And then Showfall will bring you back, Ranboo.  Please, we already got through the exposition in your finale, let’s focus on the interview questions.  So, how did it feel to play the hero in a Showfall production?

TH: Ranboo, the lights don’t go off, I won’t stop asking, and you don’t get to move an inch until the interview is over.  That’s how this works.  

R: I’m not… I’m not a hero.  Please, I’m not…

TH: [laughs] Oh?  Interesting take!  I love the genre subversion!  If you’re not a hero, then what are you, Ranboo?

R:  I don’t… I don’t know, how could I know?  You took it all, you took everything... How could I know?  I don’t…

TH: Humor me a little!  Playing along is part of the fun!  I’ll try again––this is actually a good question, Ranboo, you did a good job, might make a fine interviewer one day!––if you’re not a hero, then what are you?

TH: Take your time, not like we’ve got a live audience waiting!

[laughter]

TH: What are you, Ranboo?

R: I’m… tired.  I’m tired.

TH: Aw, look at that face, folks!  Doesn’t it just make your heart break?  We love a tragedy here, don’t we?  And you certainly have the talent to pull it off!

[audience ‘aw’s]

R: Why didn’t… why didn’t you just turn the mask back on?  Why’re you letting me be like this?

TH: Come on, Ranboo, the interviewer asks the questions!  Sorry if I made you think it was the other way around.

[laughter]

R: Ask me something, then.

TH: I’d be happy to!  Now, Ranboo, you clearly dabble in genre subversion, but I think the one twist we’re all dying to hear about:  The codes.  The codes, am I right folks?

[applause]

TH:  Why didn’t you listen to the audience’s pick?  You probably didn’t know this until now, but they actually told you the right one!  They had your best interests at heart!  It’s touching, really.

R:  I hurt people.  I let people get hurt.  I wasn’t in control, they were.  So, why didn’t they turn the mask back on?

TH: Aw, you’re trying this back and forth thing?  I ask one, you ask one?  Fine, fine!  Sounds fun.  Because, Ranboo.  We here at Showfall are all about authenticity. There’s nothing quite like being real with an audience.  We just wanted them to see your true self!  Now, Ranboo.  My turn! [laughs] Isn’t this fun?  Now, Ranboo.  Near the finale, after that dramatic chase through the mall, after you and Charlie found the cabin set––what a twist!  Am I right folks?––and then Security came out!  Oh, what a jumpscare! [laughs]  I’m getting ahead of myself, sorry, it’s just exciting!  My question for you, Ranboo, is why did you leave Charlie?

R: …What?

TH: Why did you leave Charlie?

R: I… I don’t…

TH: I mean, come on, you were, basically, mostly, in control of yourself, your mask was going haywire, that was actually your choice to make!  So, why did you leave him?

R: I couldn’t… I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t, I was too late, he told me to– to run, I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t–

TH: Really, Ranboo?  You didn’t even try.  You saw how the show came together by then, you don’t know if he was beyond saving, and as for telling you to run, [laughs] it’s not the first time Charlie’s speech came out, well, a little different.  How do you know, for certain, that Charlie wasn’t actually begging for his life, like he was on that operating table?

R: Why are you doing this?

TH: Now, Ranboo, you’ve got to answer my question first!  Then I answer yours!  This is your game, remember?

R: I don’t… I don’t know, I don’t know.

TH: Hm, bit of a cop out, but it’s late in the night, we’ll keep things rolling!  And in answer to your question, Ranboo, we here at Showfall are honored to provide authentic, life-altering, one of a kind entertainment.  What better reason is there than that?  Hang on, that’s not my question. [laughs]   Ranboo, in episode one you got to cook for demon Charlie!  If you could go back and pick another ingredient, knowing what you know about the shark monster that killed your friend Sneeg, what would you pick?

R: Knowing what I know now?

TH: Yes!

R: I’d have killed myself.

[laughter]

R: Maybe Charlie too.

[laughter]

R: And Sneeg, if it was the only way to get them free.

[laughter]

TH: Now, I don’t know what that has to do with cooking, but thanks for playing!

[laughter]

R: You lied to me.  And to them.  You people told me I could die, that I could rest, and you didn’t let me.  You didn’t let me.

TH: Well, actually Ranboo, we very much did!  You were dead as a doornail in that box, but like I said, we just couldn’t get enough of you!  So, yes, we did as we said, and we killed you, and now you get to go again!  Isn’t that fun?  Who knows!  Maybe they’ll vote differently next time, huh?

TH: Nothing to say?

TH: Maybe we should give him some encouragement, folks!

[applause]

R: [screams]

TH: Whoa!  Nothing like some electricity to wake you up!  Shall we talk about the votes?

R: [inaudible]

TH: What was that?

TH: Aw, I think our hero is getting a little tired!  And honestly, I am too! [laughs] but thank you so much for coming out, Ranboo.

R: One day I’m gonna kill all of you.

TH: And thank you for tuning in to this Showfall Aftershow!

[applause]

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

sick of this anti-aging obsession. let's go in the opposite direction. i want more characters who are hardened & grizzled & have a face lined with the harrowing tribulations of time--and then halfway through the narrative u find out they're 27

[pedro-pascal]

Tom Burke as Praetorian Jack & Anya Taylor-Joy as Furiosa FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA (2024)

[fiovske]

ngl the early s3 post-divorce pre-making up era angst of he-means-a-lot-to-me-but-if-any-of-you-ever-mention-him-in-my-presence-i-am-going-to-kill-everyone-in-this-room-and-then-myself crowley and aziraphale are gonna be delicious.and brother i am but a dickensian orphan waiting for my food to arrive

[puppetmaster13u]

Meme Prompt 12

[mobius-m-mobius]

Lokius + a S2 mid season summary 😅

[zarla-s]

two smooches for the price of one...

[patreon]

[nerdpoe]

I mean. You want me to be a villain? Really? Me? Alright, if you insist.

The GIW go over the top, and commit atrocious crimes against Ghostkind.

And when Danny tries to strike back?

They get the JLD involved.

Now to be entirely fair, they lied to the JLD and withheld valuable information that would have let the JLD know that they were siding with the bad guys.

To be even more fair, Danny doesn't know that.

So fine.

They want him to be the bad guy?

He'll be the bad guy.

He never wanted in on this hero crap anyways.

Phantom and his two associates, Overdrive and Hemlock, take to the streets and show the JLD exactly how bad of an idea it was to make an enemy out of them.

[swan2swan]

Chaos girlfriends, chaos girlfriends, chaos girlfriends.

[normal-newt]

Wildlife rescue organisations here have very intense politics. Like, if you criticize any organisations’ practices you can end up being “locked out” of even unpaid positions in all of them. Which is why this is going safely under a username and not anywhere near my actual one. But it’s so frustrating watching everyone making the same mistakes over and over again.

So some baby animal can’t be released, and it’s decided that they will be used as an education/ ambassador animal. Because of this, they don’t need to be raised to avoid humans. But some people think that this means they should be treated like human children. One organisation literally started splitting up captive-born joeys from wild but un-release-able kangaroos specifically to raise so that when they grew up they would “think they were human”. And for the first year or two it goes great. They want to snuggle with everyone who will look at them, they play with people, and they are just unbearably cute. And people aww about it and say that they really do think they’re human. 

When they start to reach sexual maturity, they start “acting up”. People get kicked and scratched and they start to realise that their “child” isn’t acting so snuggly anymore, and they get angry. And the kangaroos have no fucking idea why, because they can’t know that they’re play wrestling is strong enough to hurt us. Because it turns out they don’t think they’re human, but they certainly seem to think we’re kangaroos.

And by the time they’re old enough to start fighting for real, it’s already too late to do anything about it. You can’t let visitors anywhere near them for safety reasons. 90% of the staff and volunteers won’t go in to clean the enclosures, and a lot of them still blame the animals. Some animals are so risky to work with that feeding them takes two people in the enclosure and one person acting as a “spotter”. There is no PPE for this, so people end up using plastic buckets as shields.

Anyway I’m mostly just yelling at the void, but if anyone reading this was wondering why a lot of zoos and wildlife rescues don’t cuddle the baby animals. it’s because of this sort of thing. There are a lot of really good ways to make sure baby animals feel comfortable and safe, but handling them too much usually either scares them, or means that they could seriously injure someone down the track.

It’s also why so many people who’ve worked with animals are so strongly against people owning certain types of exotic pets. If someone is telling you not to get a pet serval or kangaroo or whatever else people are keeping in their living rooms, there’s a good chance they’re trying to stop you getting mauled.

[kimquatz]

i need ichiban to stop lookin' at me with them big ol' eyes in infinite wealth

[cozylittleartblog]

swatch is cool and suave and handsome and one time they touched a mouse and they were SO brave about it

[mikkeneko]

Don't want to put this on the post itself for risk of derailing it, but that post the other day about Terry Pratchett's early work really stuck in my mind. OP had sent in an ask saying that they heard some of Pratchett's earlier works had problematic elements (not unusual for a male english writer in the 80s) and they weren't sure whether to go ahead with reading the work anyway.

What I really want to ask that person, or indeed all persons who are hesitating over whether or not to read problematic works or works by imperfect authors:

What are you worried about happening, if you read a work with problematic elements?

I'm worried that if I read this art, I will run across hateful images or words that will shock or upset me

I'm worried that I will spend money on a work of art that then financially supports a bad person, and that thought makes me uncomfortable or upset

I'm worried that I will read works of art written by a bad person, and comment or react on them, and other people will see what I am reading and will think less of me because of it, or will assume that I hold the same bad beliefs as the author

I'm worried that I will read works of art written by a bad person, and I will enjoy them, and the author will find out about my enjoyment and feel emboldened to do bad things because of it

I'm worried that I will read works of art written by a bad person, and their badness will contaminate my way of thinking and make me a worse person in turn

Because these are all different answers and some of them are more actionable than others

[jeeaark]

Never seen an illithid recoil so fast when trying to give it smooches. Turns out there's a very good reason for it!

Wanted to draw my guardian boi one last time. First time the Emperor suggested it, got a lil affronted

Like, Squid bud, you don't think Greygold 'gets it'? You don't think Greygold had a bit of the 'don't belong's? the not-be-yourself-to-fit-in? Greygold gonna accept the shit out of you, buster. Gonna figure out dat squid biology one comedic lesson at a time.

Also. dat hair. I like to imagine when the emperor saw what would instantly gain Greygold's trust, the illithid was like-This is....Way too dreamy. Had to tone it down, Clark Kent dat Hunk-orc up with a hair-bun.

[captainjonnitkessler]

Leftists online: Both parties are exactly the same, why should I vote?

My coworkers, right now as I type this: Biden is a deep state pedophile and that's why when Trump wins this year the first thing he's going to do is completely take over the executive branch and kick out all the liberal elites so we can take our country back! Have you heard of Project 2025? There's a lot going on behind the scenes that we're going to find out about soon. That's why I've been stockpiling ammo,

[radiance1]

Gotham: Holy shit there's a random animal running around Gotham city and no one's ever caught it before. They say it only appears in thunderstorms and anyone unfortunate enough to cross paths with it look as if they've been hit by thunder.

Dan phantom, the 'random animal' who is in fact a Raiju in question: If I destroy this place I'll be fucked over by Clockwork. But if I don't destroy this place I'll keep being followed by this brat.

Damian Wayne, the brat in question: There is an animal roaming Gotham in thunderstorms, father. We must save it!