#things i needed to know when i was 22
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the stitching on dabi's pants. has anyone ever drawn them as just. shorts.
#scarlett.txt#i think of those pants as shorts a lot#show me your legs we need to settle the leg burns#debate. i forgotvto add that#my headcanon is when he's 22 they dont go higher than where his boots end#maybe after todobro fight 1 they go below his knee or even thigh high#i do love seeing ppl give him thigh high scars 🤤🤤#i will tag this as dabi in a week i am scared of that tag#scary things in there my innocent little text post is so fwagile i keep her safe <3#actually i should tag it maybe someone will know of a pic#..........#dabi#sorry#ik dabi nation is focused on other things rn so it's a No Silly Zone...#headcanons#dabi silliness
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Seeing the same people who perpetuated or sent vicious misogynistic hate to Hannah Schmitz, as well as disgusting racist abuse towards Yuki and Alex because of FUCKING CONSPIRACY THEORIES and those who just straight up ignored it, now up in arms regarding whatever the fuck is going on between the FIA and the wolffs is beginning to piss me off. Because now that it's not someone red bull affiliated involved, it's somehow now unacceptable.
#f1#formula 1#formula one#who knows wtf is going on not the fia and not the teams but anyways#i will say toto needs to be investigated because of previous info breaches#but I've been saying that for years long before F1 academy was ever a thing#there's just been too many instances of him having info he shouldn't and things quietly and quickly changing for his benefit#I'm tired and stressed with trying to finish everything up for the semester hence why I've been less active#but this is just pissing me off#i never forgot or forgave the bs and abuse hannah yuki and alex got and i won't ever forget or forgive#i remember after monaco 22 i saw the anti red bull gang were claiming toto fucked up by “allowing' alex the Williams seat#apparently it was alexs fault ferrari fucked up and red bull were turning the tide smh#the bullshit ted began about hannah and yuki he will never see heaven i swear#and i know not everyone calling out the situation partook in the aforementioned but I'm seeing certain people who did#and they don't seem to notice their hypocrisy or double standards#anyway i get my one annoyed post that I'll probably delete later but at least I've got it out and can now return to watching the clown show#and ignore those with doublestandards#anyways bed now because i think I'm slowly losing my mind#it's not a good sign when you hear the imperial march in your head when thinking of college work is it
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It's so funny to me when fic writers mention a new made up first encounter of sskk when it's actually part of canon and we know how it went. Akutagawa ripped off Atsushi's leg. Good luck finding anything more romantic than that
#Why feel the need to change that it can't get any more romantic#Tbh I don't know why people do it but I've found that a lot? I think maybe people just forgot since it happened 100 chapters ago#ryūnosuke akutagawa#atsushi nakajima#sskk#shin soukoku#bsd#bungou stray dogs#mine#q.#04/08/22#This was conceived as a joke but funny enough it *is* one of the most romantic things about sskk‚ unironically#Because think of someone going from cutting their loved one's leg to literally giving their lives for them.#The love and dedication is just so much more impactful when you know it comes from a place of hatred and pain!!!!#Which would have never happened if Akutagawa didn't cut Atsushi's leg in the first place#So actually. I have a serious point here
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i hold so much more anger than anyone around me realizes
#like id beat my father to death with my bare hands if given the chance#and all those men for what they did to me#im so sick of ppl saying i need to forgive people who are not and never will be sorry. why should it be on ME to be the 'bigger person'#I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD WHEN IT STARTED.#im angry i never got to be a child and now its too late. now im 22 and just as fucked up as i was when it was still happening#i do not consider myself a violent person but thinking of what my abusers did all the time makes me so fucking mad#how can you do those things to a child & live with yourself. i dont fucking get it#i dont need to forgive ANYONE if i dont want to. the ppl telling me that dont even know All of what happened to begin with.#milo murmurs#csa vent#tw csa vent#csa tw#add that to being easily irritated due to ptsd and weve got a lovely mess here lol#im so tired of feeling like shit all the time but idk how not to rn#also. OBVIOUSLY i do not desire to commit murder. im just sad & pissed off that they got away w everything & i have to deal w it
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Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening
OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.
sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.
i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .
#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol#anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol#i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious;#ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc#then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close.#next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go.#they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state#i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go.#like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away.#yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u#to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds#if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing.#my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left#in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself#22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world#i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too#i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like#i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this#situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it#ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming.#at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy#while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday#like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh.#i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare#and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth???#truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin#when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!!#its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever#mcr#when will mcr return from the war
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I really expressed this before but it's kinda sad I didn't find DSaF back when my sibling issues were at their peak bc I'd have been like straight up Branded if I met this guy who is a middle child and is rotting and has a strained relationship with his older brother and used to have to take care of his little sister who on top of everything is a redhead and 6 years old and is extremely guilty but also can have an awful relationship with her like my ass wouldn't have survived brother. My ass would have never came back.
#luly talks#me and Jack we're kindred souls and we'd have been more even so if I didn't get over my guilt#sad!#well i had a brother not a sister but he was 6 years old when i left and also a redhead for no reason#reason was i mean that our grandpa is a redhead but no one else was so the gene just popped back up I guess#but yeah like. i got over my brother pretty well but i used to be super depressed#i no longer think of them bc im tired of being disrespected lmao#the only one i haven't blocked is my older brother#you'd prob go a few years back in my tag 2022 even 23? and see me be mentally ill tho#having breakdowns over that shit#i mean i was robbed of my family but they see me as the villain so#our shit is more toxic admittedly#no need to explain the rotting thing also we all know every so often i start rotting#i was rotting hard a few yeaes back 21 or 22#like when you taste your mouth and you feel it when your hair thins when you're pale and big eyebags#sometimes your organs just start rotting with you still wearing them and that's that#sometimes death forgets to pick you up
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Being critical of art is all fun and games until you are the art that is being critiqued :(
#God I was feeling so good today but duuuude I’m so scared abt the opera from purely a technical standpoint#like I’m not even stressed about fucking anything up anymore it just hit me that like. I invited people to see this and it might be bad :(#due to variables outside of my control!!!! I hate not being able to fix things#I would be less stressed if my mother wasn’t seeing it but tragically I’m proud of what /i/ am achieving so I really want her to be there!!#but I know it’s going to be SUCH a fucking let down after the other shows she’s seen at my school like#the productions she saw were SO GOOD on a technical standpoint and both of the productions this year were so bad :((((#like even conveptually I don’t even know if I’m fully convinced and I’m in the show!!!#And idk. It’s hard when you don’t have an extended family (or like much of a family at all)#so the only people coming to your show are like. Broadway technicians#the closest thing I have to an uncle is a lighting designer and a stage manager my mother knows#very fun sometimes. Other times I want to throw myself onto a pyre#Why do the stakes have to be so high why can’t they just be happy to support me :)) I shall never be the center of her world. Ah well#But also we would not be as close as we are without our shared love of theater production so. Catch-22#And at the end of the day I’m more sad that I can’t be proud of the show#it’s not anyone’s fault it just is and I need to be okay with it#I worked really hard and it matters that I’m doing this#GOD SORRY!!!#vent#portal of rambling
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Wanting 2 make a scope creep nightmare of a visual novel vs my inability to focus on jack shit ever in my life.
#it’d also be like. if not directly a danny phantom fan game rewrite then something blatantly derivative which would b fun#but I couldn’t sell it or anything and the amount of work it would take is#like when I say scope creep nightmare I mean this thing would take place over 4 years and be a full series rewrite w/ dynamic paths#like the series itself would be 200000+ words (52 episodes * 22 minutes * 200 words per on-screen minute_#and that’s with 0 branching paths or narration bc it’s a kids cartoon and not a visual novel#plus I’d need to add more content towards the backend bc season 3 mostly sucks and the ideas that don’t suck need to be earlier on#and that’s before we get into the fucking art scope creep#bc I played slay the princess and scarlet hollow so now I’d ‘’need’’ to make thousands of assets like those games#’’need’’ as in ‘’I have so many ideas for scene-specific sprite background interactions if I don’t do these I’ll die’’#yes I am genuinely planning shit out no this game will never actually exist#because again. scope creep nightmare. guy who can’t focus. guy who’s never written anything substantial before.#ALSO I STARTED PLANNING IT IN THIS INFINITE CANVAS APP#NOT KNOWING THE LASSO SELECT TOOL COSTS 39.99 TO UNLOCK#theres more in that price but for the most part I just need the lasso and that’s not available on its own#and the only other way is through a subscription which is dumb. fuck that#lalala
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I wanna flesh out a yakuza oc but every time I think about it I end up thinking about an oc of mine who already Exists who’s not a yakuza oc. but is, in fact, an oc who is a yakuza. and that fact is genuinely completely unrelated
#he existed WAY before I started playing yakuza or knew really anything about it#actually he contributes to why I got into yakuza to begin with. cause when my friend first showed me y0 I was like ough… my character#grew up in this exact environment and culture and structure and etc (son of a patriarch)#so it was legitimately a good reference for his background and stuff#I kinda wanna talk about him/his background more on here but. like i said he’s. not technically a yakuza oc#and he can’t be because he. canonically. has PLAYED yakuza. like the games EXIST cause it’s just a normal real world type universe and#I won’t get into all this much but he ends up in the states on the dl for Reasons. accidentally ends up with a son when he’s 22 (son’s#mother being significantly younger but again we’re not gonna get into THAT mess). ends up seeing the first game being sold somewhere in nyc#and is unable to restrain his curiosity about it (as an Actual Yakuza) so he ends up getting his son a ps2 for his birthday partly just#as an excuse to buy and play yakuza 1 because he NEEDS to know what’s in it#something something it ends up being a weird bonding thing with his son who’s definitely too young to be watching this game being played#(he was born the same year as haruka so he’d be like. 8-9. also already a concerningly violent child with many issues but. anyway)#something something he ends up disappearing out of the blue from the states when his son is 12 but the pastime still sticks for said son#from then on. so uh. yeah weirdly significant that these games Exist in this story/universe bdsjhfdfjnd#idk why I’m avoiding saying his name. his name’s asura. he’s a year or two older than daigo (born 1974) and his family’s supposed to be a#pretty powerful one in the tokyo area and he was supposed to be a nepo baby sorta like daigo except he’s not Technically an only child- he#has a much younger sister. but obviously she wasn’t gonna be considered for taking over their father’s seat nor would she want to#she wants absolutely nothing to do with any of it and changes her last name pretty soon after moving to the US to get away from them#no beef with her brother or anything she was just treated absolutely horribly and disgustingly by older members of their family growing up#ANYWAY I should stop talking bdshshcbsnnf I didn’t mean to infodump all this the lore is just. deep with these guys#Asura wasn’t even made to be a particularly prominent character or anything it’s his SON who’s a Bonafide Main Character and asura’s ties in#the story are mostly related to Him. (though his sister is also a pretty prominent character so there’s connection there too)#rambling#also one more note. yes. the timing and location of where asura would’ve first bought yakuza 1 means that it would most likely be the#infamous original english dub version. which is hilarious to think about#especially because his son’s mom (I keep calling her that because they weren’t really in a Relationship they just co-parented and lived#together a little less than half the time. it’s complicated) Did Not Approve of a game that Adult around their kid. so she would not be fond#of walking in the room and hearing TEN YEARS IN THE JOINT MADE YOU A FUCKING PUSSY#luckily she was so young and considered her son a lost cause and a burden as it is so. she complained but didn’t really do anything about#it. I mean shit she was like. only around 24-25 I think. but yeah
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Outlining Isaac strikes again:
#girl what do i do with this#i got to chapter 22 and i needed to know what it was supposed to be about#gotta love my fun little notes. even when they could not be less helpful#writing stuff#isaac says things about his writing again
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I'm gonna have to get on the evil pills pms is really ruining my life
#i swear it's fucking with my adhd and making my life 5 times harder#i hate it when mental health professionals don't take pms seriously like it's not in my mind it's literally my hormones going haywire!!!#and the chemicals in my brain are always already going haywire don't you think those two things may have some negative interactions#anyway i hate taking contraceptives but at least i don't need an adhd diagnosis for those#which I'm working on getting but what do you know it's hard to find a professional who knows what they're talking about in this city#the neuropsychologist i saw was useless#also transphobic and voted for the fascist asshole#i hated every second i spent in there#my therapist found me a better second option but i was burned out from the first try and when i finally called she didn't pick up#and guess i have adhd so i haven't called again#it's a fun catch 22 to he stuck in#alex txt
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Woopsie,, 4am breakdown, I think I didn't muffle my silly goofy sobs quite enough, because after a lil bit my mom startled awake and was like 'who's calling for me?? are you okay???? what do you need??'
I had to go reassure her that everything is all good, no one was yelling her name, it's 4am just go back to sleepies, there are two (2) cats in your bed who need sleepy snuggles,
She told me she must've dreamt about someone needing her help, and she woke up heart pounding ready to fly out of bed. rip
#pikaposts#i sound so stupid when i cry it's fucking. high-pitched wails caught between silent shuddering gasps#do you know how hard it is to cover up those high-pitched wails!!! i'm out here practically suffocating myself with my bedding#i'm fine btw i'm just 22 and lamenting my lost health. you know how it is#can barely walk into the kitchen these days and am grappling with a Decision that's pretty. humiliating to me.#like it shouldn't be! it happens with disabled people sometimes! but if i agree to it i just know i won't be able to look at it#i'll have to like. cover it with a towel or something. and there's no way i'll be able to set things up myself so#i'm just. gonna have to embarrassingly rely on my mom I guess.#i say 'if i agree to it' but really i'm kind of out of other options. i can't manage things all on my own#bc something is wrong with me! and nobody here can quite piece it together#everybody throws around 'ehlers-danlos syndrome' but nobody here knows what it Means or what to do about it#i have to move to a different state asap because i need access to more advanced health care. sigh#but 'asap' is shaping up to be. next year maybe. i have to stay here for another year or so.
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woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way
but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D
anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎
#sterechats :)#09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway#what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again?#probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D#10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire#like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it#I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring!#but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3#11:00 pm - I need to get out of here#I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me#everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense#why am I even writing these tags what does it matter#I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing#maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore#I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha#11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one#how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good#everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now#here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah)#11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive#in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love#I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day#maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it!#maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead...#1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am#not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep#and I don't want this to post when I'm awake#I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always#because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really#I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay
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Good news: the soft opening of the show went well
Bad news: I now have confirmation I took 4 extra units of long-acting insulin via panicking at the end of the show, second guessing myself about whether I took my Levemir at intermission. I am feeling them now as I sweat through a 3:00am low. I'll figure out a better way to track that I am taking my meds, but damn.
#this has been a post#i feel like i need a diabetes tag#kate is sometimes a stage manager#i really don't know how other diabetics manage if they don't write things down#sometimes the only thing that stops me from panicking about my 22:00 meds is my notebook#i didn't write a note about when i took my meds at intermission#so i took some 'fuck i hope i didn't forget and that i won't be ill tomorrow' extra units at the end of the show#i just don't trust my memory right now#i was late on a rental payment for the first time EVER this month and that was an unpleasant fine#i've taken it as further proof this show has fucked with me#anyway#local theatre bitching
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thinking about the australian cultural cringe on this sunny sunday hbu
#no but it's kinda true i do actually suffer from cultural cringe but i see how bad it can be for artists from australia#like idk its a big topic but like majority of our tv happens to be reality tv or imports#i actually saw a really good tiktok about how australian tv is stuck in a time warp#i feel like australian music is either indie triple j or x factor winners singles and x factor hasnt aired since 2016#and international shit has taken over the hottest 100#it says a lot that one of the few australian things to get impact internationally as of recent is bluey#dont get me wrong im so proud of bluey i love seeing my home country portrayed#but im 22. give me more.#and im not innocent to cultural cringe or alienation either but id love some good australian media that isnt americanised or makes me cring#even with heartbreak high i physically recoiled after realising it was australian#so i need to also work on not being so ashamed of australian stuff myself#and im not doing myself any favours by only listening to dutch music which in turn is a loop bc dutch ppl probs also have cultural cringe#actually they defs do#its an issue here but i defs talked to dutch ppl in nl who were suffering from cultural cringe she is international#hearing australian accents in songs is also a hard one for me. sometimes its cool but i cringe more than find it cool#even watching tina the tina turner musical when roger appeared i went FUCK NO NOT AUSTRALIANS#and the actor there is australian#idk i am rambling now#but like... this is a complex topic bc i know how bad it is for australian culture and locally produced music and shows and that#but like i do it myself#anyways doei
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Listen I love Ellen and Oscar but
June Claremont-Diaz 🫱🏽🫲🏻 Princess Bea
↓↓
✨ Parentification Trauma ✨
#listen I know there's many reasons this happens even with loving parents#but it's incredibly psychologically damaging to have to fill a parent's shoes for a sibling even if you're legally an adult#because your brain doesnt give a shit how legal you are#it just knows you're prioritizing playing a parental role when you need to be focusing on yourself#my most intense parentification trauma years was between 17–22#it broke my heart that June left her boyfriend to be with Alex because she knew she's the only one who would prioritise him#and Bea pumping the brakes on her mental health spiral because her baby brother didnt have a functional parent left#granted that may have saved her but having to claw yourself back to sanity bc you have to take care of someone else is seriously non-ideal#and yeah I know that their brothers were worth it and they dont regret it#but they have so much reason to be burnt out and hold their mothers to account good god#women arent caretakers and protectors because we're just built naturally kind. it's because we get left to do the nurturing and caretaking#until it becomes second nature#for my part being a big sister is fundamental part of me and caretaking and protecting and nurturing is who I am now#but the inability to ever put myself first and take space when someone needs me#the inability to turn off the kindness tap even when it's running blood#the instinct to fix things and take responsibility for everyone#it's all incredibly damaging in the long run#''southern goodness'' baby that's the gender conditioning ideal#do you know how much repressed pain it takes to be that kind and gentle#firstprince#june claremont diaz#bea fox mountchristen windsor#parentification#child neglect#emotional neglect#feminism#gender conditioning#knee of huss#rwrb#red white & royal blue
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