#think i am Finally (after like a decade of wanting one) im gonna get a binder

[real-life-cloud]

😰😰

[dollydaisies]

Can I pls request a BTS reaction? They have a crush on their friend who is not a celebrity, so they can't confess to her because of their reputation/job, but they are really close. One day someone from their company revealed a sensitive information about them. So, the members and the company accused her of it because they thought that she was only with them to become famous. They didn't believe her and also told her many hurtful things. But later it was revealed that it was not her but someone else and she was telling the truth. Later they try to reconcile with her and asks her to forgive them but it was too late. Can you please write it as angst?

If it's too specific for you, you don't have to write it. Thank you anyways ☺️☺️

my first ask! thank you so much for sending this! my bts skills may be a tad bit rusty, so i'm sorry if this isn't up to par with your expectations. im doing allll the research i can! some things may be changed up a bit, but i'm trying to stick to your prompt the best that i can!

summary: forbidden love hurts, and it sometimes builds up frustration inside you, which then turns into flipping out on the person you love nonsensically solely because you're overwhelmed. they had to learn to think before they act, and, now, they're suffering from the consequences of their actions.

characters: just to test the waters and see if you like what i'm doing, i am only doing kim namjoon. if you like this, i will continue with the other members i’m comfortable writing! please tell me if i did well or was a lil' off. i'll always take constructive criticism:)

kim namjoon never meant to hurt anyone, but he especially made sure that he would not hurt you. he cares about you so much, to the point where seeing you even slightly sad could mess up his whole day.

you're bts's songwriter and producer, but also their friend. when they make plans, they want to include you, always. even if they go to the beach for a run bts episode, they want YOU to be there after the cameras are off. of course, every single member of the group wants you to be around, but namjoon insists on it. you're his safe place, the person he confides in when times get hard--why wouldn't he want you there?

"are you sure you don't want to come with us on this tour?" namjoon looks at you with full passion in his eyes. he wants you to come with them, even if he won't directly say it. "you know that we will always want you to come with, right?"

that little "we" always gets you every time. sure, you know that it's true, and so does he, but that's not what you want to hear and that's not what he wants to say. you want to hear him say "i want you to come with," but it feels like he refuses to say it. he's only not saying it because it'll make his feelings too real, and he can't deal with the reality that you can never be his.

"ah, i know, joonie... but i need to work on the ideas you all gave me for this next album. it's the final one before you all go on hiatus, so i can't take a break," you respond, playing with your bowl of ramen without eating it. you're the only two in the kitchen, and it's quiet. "i'd love to go, but i just can't afford to right now. you know i'm short on money."

namjoon sighs, but nods. "i understand. it's just gonna be hard to be on tour without you."

you send him a sweet smile, then giggle softly. "you're such a baby, did you know that?"

"it's our little secret, keep it hush."

that wasn't the secret that destroyed everything you've built with him over the past decade, but it was more of a foreshadow. you felt excited at the idea of having a secret with him, but also dread--this is silly, though. you guys have thousands of secrets. you're best friends, and you always have been, so why is your gut telling you to fight or fly?

around a week later, dispatch reports on news that namjoon has never told a soul about--except for you. the moment his brain processes the information told to him by the higher-ups, he immediately gets up from his seat and marches to your usual spot that you linger in.

"get out."

"huh?"

your face is full of pure confusion, a bit like a deer in headlights. sure, you've had your arguments and fights before, but he has never been this harsh off the bat--hell, he was rarely ever truly harsh.

the way his eyes look at you with pure disgust, and the sarcastic laugh he lets out... it feels like you don't know who's standing in front of you. yeah, it's namjoon, but... it's also not.

"i knew you were desperate for money, y/n, but i didn't think you'd be this desperate. if i knew you were like this, i would've fired you sooner."

"namjoon, what the hell are you talking about?" you stand up from your seat, yelling at him a bit. it's obvious you aren't even mad, you're just a mix of confused, scared, and worried.

"you know what i'm talking about, y/n. hell, the rest of the world does as well, since you decided to go to dispatch about it."

he holds up his phone so you can look at the site he pulled up. you scrolled and scrolled in pure shock, confusion, and disgust. "i... namjoon, i did not rat you out to anyone. why would i?"

"people like you only care about money. figure it out, and get out of this dorm."

absolutely stunned, you walk to the door in complete silence, then turn around. he looks a bit lost in thought, then he finally sees you. you, whose eyes are full of tears; you, whose cheeks are red due to how panicked you got from him yelling; and you, who refused to yell at him back even when he disrespected you.

while he was so sure he was right, a pit in his stomach grew larger. he feels like he’s doing something bad, something wrong, and he doesn’t know why.

"i just want to say," you pause for a second, then continued. "if this is the real you, kim namjoon, maybe i should've been the one to expose you after all."

you slam the door.

months have passed, and you work at a local music store. sure, you write songs still, but they're not for anyone else except you. you refused to talk to all of them, talk about all of them, or even think about any of them. in your mind, bts disbanded the second he broke your heart, and your trust. truthfully, it’s unfair, as all the other members have texted you so many times and begged for a response, but you can’t think of them without thinking of him.

the store is completely empty, so you're scrolling through every single social media app you have downloaded brainlessly. the words you're reading are not completely processing in your head at all, they kinda just look like funky shapes.

one title, though, caught your attention.

"kim namjoon talks about trust, compassion, and friendship in recent SEVENTEEN interview."

your jaw clenches, and you slam your phone down. your tears are threatening to come out, but you refuse to let yourself still be hurt by him. he doesn't deserve your time, your tears, your anything. that's, at least, what you keep trying to convince yourself of, anyways.

the bell at the door rings, and you try to regain your composure. you

"welcome to good vibes, home to all of the--"

you freeze. you don't know what to do, what to say, or how to even move. are you supposed to say anything? it's not like he’s saying anything—hell, he has a mask over his face and a hood on his head, but you KNOW it’s him. now, he’s just staring at you blankly. you’re wearing a mask, so maybe there’s a chance—

“y/n,” namjoon softly says your name, and your heart pangs against your chest. it’s a mix of heartbreak, anxiety, and all the leftover love you have for him. “i was looking for you.”

you’re so nervous, you could burst into tears. you want to hop over your desk and run into his arms and tell him how much you miss him, but also how much you hate him for hurting you so much. why do you still love a man that said such unforgivable words?

“why?” your words were a bit breathy, and you began to chuckle a bit while shaking your head. “there’s nothing left to say—unless, y’know, you’re gonna tell me all i care about is money again because i have a job.”

“i’m sorry,” namjoon sighs, then walks to you. the desk separates you, but you wish you could fall into his arms. you keep your composure all the same, though.

“that day, i was so stressed. it felt as if so many things were happening at once, and to know that a secret that i only told you got out… i felt so much betrayal all at once, i didn’t want to hear you out. if i’m being completely vulnerable, i wanted to go cry,” he let out a small chuckle.

looking at you, your face was completely unreadable. it’s like you were thinking of so many things, but also of nothing at the same time. was he doing well? he doesn’t know. he’s just going with what he feels in his heart.

“in my heart, i knew i should’ve ran back to you and apologized; in my heart, i knew i should’ve heard every single word you said, because you would never lie to me,” namjoon balls his hands into a fists, then looks at you in the eyes, “so i’m sorry it took so long for me to realize that i was wrong.”

the store was tense, and all you could hear is the music playing so softly in the background as you stare at him. he’s trying to read your expression, to see if there’s any bit of leftover love in your eyes, but it just feels cold.

after a minute, you begin to laugh. it’s a full laughing attack, actually, and namjoon just stares. his heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach, because he’s not stupid—he knows this means he’s fucked up.

“what, did you think was a kdrama, namjoon? did you think i was going to hear that apology, jump into your arms, and say, ‘oppa, never hurt me ever again!’ or something?” you say these words while still laughing, and namjoon is still stunned. “what happened for you to come up here and say this to me? based on your new change in personality with… hating poor people and all, i can’t imagine you just woke up one day and did it.”

“we found who actually did it. it was our stylist, sooyoung.”

“so that’s what it took for you to finally realize i was innocent? instead of thinking back ro everything you said to me and how hurt i was, it took them finding out the real person behind the crime for you to realize i was telling the truth?”

you slam your hand on the desk, and your body is trembling. you’re on an adrenaline rush, but you’re also sad, scared, and angry. namjoon notices this and places his hand on yours, like he always used to.

“y/n, you’re shaking, please ca—“

“i don’t give a fuck, namjoon,” you yell, and namjoon is completely frozen. “i’ve known you since you were a trainee, and, yet, you still thought that i was some… freaky gold digger that would sell her friends out for money. do you know how much that hurts? to know that you think i have the potential to be like that?”

namjoon’s eyes begin to tear up, while your eyes have already overflown. your cheeks are entirely red, and you let out a choked sob. your head drops, and you let out a dry chuckle.

“for over a decade, i have been nothing but loyal and true to you; yet, it takes a full-blown investigation for you to realize how you did me wrong,” you then look up at him with no sympathy in your body. “it’s my turn to tell you to get out, namjoon. and, for your sake, never come back. i never want to see you again.”

he hesitates to walk away, and you’re staring at him, emotionless.

“what, are you deaf? get out.”

namjoon finally leaves, walking quickly towards his car, and you fall to your knees. you’re on the cold floor, shaking and crying, as you realize your life will never be the same ever again.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting my mom to have a boyfriend?

I’m not gonna put any current ages down here but my mother is late middle age.

My mom has two kids (me and my sister) from two different fathers. She married her first husband very early in her life and had my sister, and then divorced him. They divorced because they were more friends than lovers, and maintained a good relationship until he got in a car accident and turned to drinking. Since then my sister has cut full communication and I haven’t seen him in years. My moms second marriage was with my father and was nearly a decade later. They divorced shortly after because they wanted different things and my father is very traditional and slightly controlling.

Finally my mother had a third marriage and that one lasted about a decade. I hated him but I tried to not show it. He always gave me bad vibes and I would constantly worry about him hurting me or my mom. During the last few years during they relationship, he became abusive, using my mom for her money. He would go out and drink and wouldn’t be home until 3 am even when he said he was working. He punched a hole in a wall once during an argument, threatened to break my mothers phone, and tried taking her car when they split, despite it being in her name (he called the cops for it).

Now my mom is divorced for the third time. It’s been well over a year since her divorce and she says she won’t remarry at all. However she does want a boyfriend. I don’t trust men that much, and never really have just because of the bad relationship I have had with the ones who were close to me. I also don’t want another parental figure in my life whatsoever. My mom says she just wants someone to love when im living far away and can’t visit her often (im planning to move across the country, but currently I live in the same state). She says I won’t ever have to meet this guy and they won’t get married, but I still detest the idea. I know that he will want to meet me eventually (or my mom will want me to) and I don’t want to hurt his or hers feelings by declining. I also think my mom is a magnet for terrible guys. I don’t want her having another boyfriend because I fear she won’t be able to balance her love for him over me. (Often my mother disregards my feelings about people she likes and tells me to suck It up whenever I hang out with them). I don’t want my mother to be lonely but I don’t want her to have a boyfriend either.

I probably sound like an asshole and even I think I’m being somewhat selfish but i dont want another person in my life like that.

What are these acronyms?

[ajahahahah]

Im gonna be 17 in four days i dont know if i should kill myself or not i have tried to find love for years but my mom was in the military and i dated did everything you should but once you move they are gone specially when you only know em for two years now i barely have any friends i just moved here because my mom wanted to be closer to family and i have no one i really wanna kill myself but i know if i do either i wont exist anymore i wont even comprehend existence i will go to hell cause i know im shitty person or the other ending where you exist but dont i hate myself i hate who ive become i hate what ive done i wanna die for it but no one know anything of what ive done how ive acted how i am who i am im just a husk a lier a non empathetic bastard i hate myself i hate everything i am id take pretty much anyone to date anyone to help me have a single reason not to die but that isnt happening because people who are easy to date quick to break even easier so im here alone in my room unable to sleep permanently thinking wanting to die unable to pick up the rope unable to pick up my knifes unable to change what i did in the past i wanna die because of that i dont know how long im gonna last maybe ill get past college realize my dream job was a sham work as a firewatch realize i cant be alone work as some stripper just for money realize im ugly fat a loser work my quote un quote dream job and wish i was dead everyday unable to find someone to love someone to care for someone who i can hug kiss anything and ill commit truly finally free from the stresses of life i wish i could do that now but i cant im unable to i cant risk it i have two more good years then im dead because after that ill be throw out like my brother hated silently people worried about but not caring enough to check until its too late i know I’m an idiot for writing this but im screaming into a relentless void which no one will ever see so i will use this to post pone my demise a day a year a decade who know next time i write one of these thats how you'll know after im privileged i got hit by two cars can walk im alive my mom is well off so i shouldnt be depressed why should on the surface i have great parents not many family members have died not many direct family have died either so why am i sad i dont know im unable to say when insay i wanna die i dont know why its a mixture my body my social life my hatred towards me not studying and playings game that help short term but long term no i hate that i waste my time doing this i hate my self because all im doing is screaming and accusing and being stupid and annoying angry all i do is complain while i should just accept my death or just keep going till i do

[myunghology]

⛸️ ︴SLOWLY, OUR HEARTS TOUCHED.

summary ➺ random knights (enstar unit) lyrics describing your relationships with random genshin boys.

genre ➺ fluff, comfort..

au ➺ none?

proofread ➺ nope.

note ➺ i made this because knights songs make me cry every day. i am also a loner everyday so add my discord or follow my twitter, my discord is mihai #0241 and my twitter is @/miihaiya ps. i need friends and i am desperate, i cannot start conversations well... `` mentions of death

🎋 ︴XIAO

“never being expressed, these words that are buried in my heart.” — silent oath

okay, i know the lyric sounds kinda sad, but think of it like this: xiao always pushes people away right? because he doesn't want to get attached to them, cause he thinks he'll lose them sooner or later, if he does, the only result he'll get is you dying a few years later, he never expresses himself properly— that's the problem. he loves you dearly but can't express it properly, his main coping mechanism is distancing himself away from you. so you finally had to confront him, 'why do you keep avoiding me? did i do something wrong?' you asked, "..it's not that." he turned his head, not wanting to answer properly. let's be honest, it's better to tell someone how you honestly feel about them before you die, but true, getting attached so easily means that it'll be harder to deal with your death if he does get attached to you, he doesn't want to push you away. he wants you to be with him forever. he thinks it's his fault for falling in love with a mortal. don't get me wrong, all ends well of course, since you've told him that the archons will lead you back to him if you die or not. a few, no, maybe a decade had past after your death, xiao was just a shell of a person now, still looking for you even though you had died, he has faith in you, you know? then he finally spotted you again, the love of his life that had died decades ago, near the terrace of wangshuu inn. he could feel his eyes tear up, biting his lip so no tears could fall out, he ran to you and gave you a tight hug. he didn't care how much you two had to seperate, even for a long time, he doesn't care. he just wants you to be lead back to him in the end. “i still look for you, sleepless nights, thinking about you, and you finally came back to me.”

🍁 ︴KAZUHA

“that's right, you just need to stay by my side and i won't leave you.” — silent oath

“so your just gonna dedicate this to them because of their trauma?” yeah. stay by his side and he won't leave you, as long as you don't leave him, he's perfectly fine. if you do leave him, by death or by choice, he's gonna become a shell of a person either way. he's already trembling, it's already more than he can take, first tomo, now you? he's clutching his chest, he's already been through so much. if you left by death: he's shaking, crying even. beidou can hear his sobs, he doesn't care anymore, he lost you. doesn't blame you, it's okay, he'll be with you soon, he believes... if by choice, he doesn't blame you as well. you've gotten sick of him, huh? it's okay, he understands. he's no stranger to that result. but.. if you don't leave him, all is well. he's a man of his word, he doesn't leave you if you dont leave him. he's.. glad he met you, a blessing from the archons, he calls you. of course, your happy you've met him as well.

⚡ ︴AETHER

“if you can be yourself without shame, it's alright.” — fight for judge

if you've read my 'types of troupes with them' and remember the aether one, im bringing it back, you can also read this one even if you haven't read it yet. as i was saying, aether wants you to be free, he doesn't want you to have trouble talking to other people, but of course, he considers your feelings as well. he understands why won't you talk to people, even for the most stupidest reasons ever. he won't push you to do it if you don't want to, he isn't that type of person, get it? buuuuuut, he helps you when you can't talk to other people, he gets used to your body language if you wanna say something or not, he talks for you as well! paimon does too.. you're happy that they do. what could you do without the both of them? aether is proud of you once you soften up to people, but sometimes, he just wants to see that sight from himself, you can't blame him though, you want him to yourself too, since he's always so busy doing quests, commissions and everything. at the end of the day, you guys always make it up for the lost time, and i mean always.

🔮 ︴SCARAMOUCHE

“that's right, if we can't understand each other, then we just need to display ourselves.” — fight for judge

don't get me wrong, fights with him are common, but it doesn't mean you guys won't resolve it easily.. even though most of your fights are caused by him, he's stubborn. well, you would already know. the harbingers find it kinda impossible how you two always make up after a intense fight, 'how'd you do that?' they would ask at least seven times a week. mostly, your fights are just because of misunderstandings, of course you both get mad at each other, the results are ignoring each other for the whole day, but if you ask me, don't tell him i told you this, but it's mostly him who comes back to you at the end of the day. how could you resist your bowl-cut hair boyfriend? more like, who are you to resist your bowl-cut haired boyfriend? he flicks your forehead sometimes if you ever try to bring it up, he's just in denial, don't worry. but he knows what your saying is true deep down inside him.

©miihai

[toxifoxx]

I am now asking about your au

Specifically collins (forgot his first name) (your phone guy)!!!!!!!!!

well i already rambled about him a bit on my post but im sure i can pull out some more lore about him ^_^ (also dw about his first name im still trying to pick a new one for him)

soooo… collins parents were immigrants from southeast asia (still deciding on the specifics there), they moved to america hoping for better opportunities but were still pretty poor there, as his father was the sole provider for the family and couldn't get a very high paying job. even to this day collins is pretty poor and its part of the reason he stays at fredbear's/freddy's, because he struggles to find a better job

this is exacerbated by the fact collins is just not a very social guy, as a kid he was pretty lonely and i think he has a lot of anxiety that's been left unresolved for decades, so he struggles to get interviews or connect with people. people tend to think he's on-edge all the time, and he doesn't have a lot of friends - even his co-workers can only really be considered acquaintances, but they are the closest things to friends that he has. he also feels pretty isolated being a closeted gay man and not reallyyy knowing what to do with that information in rural ass hurricane utah.

he's a lot more capable than he thinks though! he's good with schedules and planning, can solve any problem at the pizzeria pretty easily, so most people generally respect him there. henry likes him cause he's good at what he does and doesn't cause any problems, they dont really go out of their ways to interact with each other but when they do its usually positive. william is, as stated, kind of a dickhead, so he likes to dump extra work or overtime onto collins since he's not gonna complain about it (he hates confrontation). but they do get along sometimes, collins finds his rambling intriguing - though not directly interested in animatronics he is interested in technology, so there's a slight overlap there.

i actually think collins could have an interesting connection with michael post-1983, with william giving him(michael) the cold shoulder and henry not paying much mind to it. maybe trying to reassure mikey it was an accident or at least give him some kinda support, still thinking on that one though. collins also knows jeremy by proxy, and cause jeremy worked at freddy's for a brief time (ahem. we know how that went), i think they were pretty close to being friends ngl

i cant really explain how it came to be but the phone head is a thing here. its a mask collins wears to hide the scars on his face (which he got from an accident with foxy), because he hates being stared at + doesn't want to scare the kids + its actually kind of nice to help with overstimulation. dims the bright lights and loud sounds.

OH and theres also vincent who is obsessed with collins, which collins is rather annoyed by and resistant to at first, but starts to warm up to him after vincent saves his life & finally realizes he needs to tone down the flirting after collins expresses his discomfort. (vincent doesnt show up till fnaf 1 i think, thats when they meet, after collins got attacked :3)

collins is present at fredbear's, fnaf 1, and fnaf 2 - the longest lasting employee out of anyone else who's been hired. what happens to him after that? well… giggles

[worldwright]

good evening ! im super early today bc im dying lmao

man, it was so fucking hard to fall asleep after my war against that fucking stinkbug, and someone i wont name fucking deserted and left her leader to fight this great and horrifying enemy

anyway, i checked which fucking painkiller i can take, and the only one i can is paracetamol but this fucker does nothing to my headaches, so im switching entirely to water from tea bc it works better than a fucking painkiller

i slept bad (what a surprise), my father woke me up bc he couldnt find me (man, the only day he wants to know where the fuck i am is the only where i dont wnat him to find him), a headache is there and my nap didnt help ;-; but at least i finished my second watch of glass onion (started last week) and watched the episode of dunmesh and now i can say w/o any doubt that chilchuck is my fav -he was from the very beginning but ude, now im sure)

ill be able to finally sleep in my bed tonight yay

and here a picture the coward from this morning (or icecream, or latte, or whatever you like to compare her to. my friends call her "table basse" [coffee table] or "chieng en format familial" [familiy-sized doggo]. youre too kind with your nicknames for her lol)

have a wonderful morning with your partner my friend !

o how decadent is her lounging !! would that we could all feel the same peace 😌❤️

(no that is not proper English grammar don't copy me 😭😭)

hehe tiny emojis 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🍃🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

immmmmm so excited to hang out with people I felt like I was withering lmfao

I think I'm gonna go up to see all my friends next weekend, since all of them are once again living in their dream life shared apartment with the besties ughhhh I can't wait to live there

the new office manager at my job is so cool :3 he's incredibly gay lmfao

I've officially caught up on apothecary diaries. ugh what do I do with my life now

obviously the answer is wait impatiently for every new episode and write analysis posts in the meantime

mmm I wanna reread witch hat atelier...... next week downtime obsession found 👍👍

egg salad last night was all right! I accidentally added too much mayonnaise and then had to overcorrect from there, so it ended up not having as much egg per volume as it should have. but still tasty and nutritious :3

speaking of food you're SO valid about Chilchuck. he's just ❤️❤️❤️ This Is A Divorced Father Of Three With Extreme Communication Issues ❤️❤️❤️ who looks like a middle schooler 🥰🥰🥰

also chatted with a friend about our fic ideas, which was really fun. the problem is that I have a really fleshed-out AU, but I don't know what actual plot to put in the AU. lol. ahhhhhhh

girlfriend weekend!!!!! girlfriend weekend!!!!!!!!

hope your headache goes away in time for you to get good sleep tonight!!

[piercedmysoul]

i honestly think one day im gonna snap and move to the woods or something. i think i will last in whatever corporate job i land after uni for like a decade working a 9-5 monday to friday (because im not ambitious enough for anything else) and spending the weekend sleeping in and cleaning and petting my cat and crying over a situationship that will never go anywhere and its gonna drive me so crazy i will have to finally do something i can almost see it infront of me.

and you know i sometimes envy the people who know exactly what they're gonna do (be it be a mom and have a nuclear family or being a doctor) because it gives you security in something. but at times i feel like i have nothing. i dont have a relationship i dont have a job in sight i dont have life goals i dont have many friends and those i do have don't really know me, not really. i have no idea what's gonna happen to me in a year or two or five or ten and it scares the shit out of me. and i can feel myself getting antsy and i get the occasional feeling like i need to turn my life around and move to a different country or change profession but the moment that idea enters my head i already know im probably never gonna act on it because i dont think i really care enough.

and my worst fear is becoming content with this. with whatever useless boring life i will lead. there is nothing wrong with it i just think it will slowly drive me crazy until i wont be able to take it anymore and i dont know what i will do then.

i feel like my life is slipping through my fingers and im not doing enough with it. i wrestle with the contrasting thoughts of leading a quiet normal lonely life and doing something grand and unique one day. it unnerves me that i dont know what i want. i am scared and simultaneously i dont care enough to do anything because; doesn't it really matter?

[thegeminisage]

ok, i'm shifting into zelda mode. i have until friday to finally beat this sucker which i think has actually wound up being a good thing - i was playing less and less of it and less and less often, partly because of time, partly because of brain chemistry, but mostly because i was getting tired of the like. grind. koroks shrines lightroots etc. i don't really want to burn out on totk, so i think if i stop and play pikmin, it will be a nice little break and motivate me to come back to zelda and actually enjoy it instead of just. going through the motions. which is great because i do enjoy this game and i want to remember that i enjoy this game, and also it means i have more of it to enjoy later - at WORST, i will come back for 100% when the inevitable dlc comes out. map fatigue of doing botw twice (nearly 100%ing it the first time, doing it all the way the second time) has been my biggest problem with totk, and it's possible that i will never play either game again (or if i do it will be a very, very, very, VERY long time from now, like at least a decade), so ultimately i'm not mad about stretching it out to make it last longer than just one summer. it's going to be a REALLY long time before we get another zelda. as in, i could very well be in my 40s by then. might as well shorten the wait if i can

anyway the first order of business is to go back and finish the mineru quest. i wanna enjoy actually having her in my party for awhile before i take her to the final boss fight - i should have done it ages ago lol

oh yeah i quit bc of a hinox lol but he was super easy

deeply unfortunate: found several enormous piles of minable rock. which i felt compelled to break all of even though it wasn't fun. the good new is one of them was made of zonaite somaybe soon i can upgrade my battery again

another giant pile of zonaite. im thrilled to have the mats but like...please let me do something else now lol. even mineru's arms have durability. i need my weapons. i've used like 40 bombs. i can't do this with yunobo over and over

also love and light to mineru but she is straight up in my way, and at this point in the game i can't dismiss her. like she wants to be close so she can kneel so i can piggyback and the mech is awesome when im in the mood for it but i am trying to do something. and she makes so many noises also. i think the sages, controlswise, are my least favorite gameplay element of this. they are SO. ANNOYING. i wish there was a limitation where only one could walk around with you at once and the rest were mapped to buttons lol

ok, got it mined. now to the actual spirit temple

aww i like the music here. i like the little lightroot piano cue. i wish i had an actual lightroot lol my hearts have been decimated

little bit worried about this boss.

oh shit i was exploring the arena and fell into the water while riding the mech and now i cant find her?! is she ok......................

oh whew there she is. rip i wanted to go get that big poe...i guess not. i'm sure after the fight i'll be teleported out and even if not it is so much swimming in the dark

oh SHIT evil construct?? DARK MINERU??? why can we have dark mineru but not dark link???

aaaah the old electrified fence arena

i wish i hadnt had to use a rocket to get in here. this fight feels slow and clunky without the benefit of a fan on mineru's back

FOUR ARMS?? OH SHIT WE GOT GENERAL GREIVOUS OVER HERE

GOT HIS ASS

oh my god it's MINERU like it was mineru but now she looks like a person and not a robot

oh god is she gonna give me a CUTSCENE?

like we just got one but am i gonna get another memory

THE

MURAAAAALLLLLLLL

this is breaking so much lore.

NOT THE HYRULE CASTLE THEME

oh a man of great evil here we go show me the boy it's been too long

SCREEEEAM THERE HE LITERALLY IS!!!!!!

oh my god the theme from that very first announcement trailer

THE SHOT FROM THE TRAILERS!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT ZELDA USING RECALL BABYGIRL YOU ARE SO COOL

YOOOOOOOOO

rauru sealing ganondorf with the fma scar movement. he threw his whole body weight behind that fist 😏

this is gay

IM LOSING MY WHOLE ASS MIND. REMEMBER THIS NAME: LINK. AND THE MAIN THEME STARST PLAYING

AND AT THE BEGINNING. IN THE VERY FIRST CUTSCENE. I REMEMBER SCREAMING OUT LOUD BECAUSE HE RECOGNIZED US. HE REMEMBERED. THE NAME

holy shit. holy shit!!! they literally are just frozen like that just like in my movie pitch <3

ANOTHER cutscene?? i am literally eating

WAHHHH fi's theme

oh im wailing she and mineru love each other so much...neither of them wants to lose the other bc theyve already lost sonia and rauru :(

GOD ZELDA BEING WILLING TO DIE FOR LINK...girl they said you WONT be able to change back ik bc of spoilers that she does but AAAAAA

idk why all the zonai are so long and wiggly. like kaminoans. i don't like it

"even if my body should perish i will be with you in spirit" zelda about to lose mom #4 :(

oh NICE i have unlocked some cool zonaite shopping options...which i refuse to use until i max out my battery, lol

wow. i even got to get those poes

popped out of the spirit temple and was able to grab a lightroot. perfect stopping point bc now i have stuff i have to do lol

[allamericansbitch]

i know it’s a heavy topic, so if you want to delete this ask, i understand.

i’ve always been pro-palestine. i’m a jewish person living in america and when i was a young child i thought it was sweet that jewish people had a safe haven in israel after the holocaust. but then i grew up and learned the monstrosities israel committed against the palestinian people for the past seven decades, and am horrified because that’s not what jewish people are supposed to represent.

and then this happened. the hama’s are an organization who’ve stated time and time again that their purpose is to kill jewish people - people like me, and i’m an ocean away. it makes me sick to my stomach. it’s like they’re using the free palestine movement to finally enact this. i feel like they’re not actually doing this for the palestinian people, these innocent people who are going to get killed in retaliation for a bunch of innocent jewish people getting killed. i feel like a lot of people don’t seem to understand that people being pro-jewish ≠ pro-israel and being pro-palestine ≠ pro-hamas. that people are saying “if you don’t chose X side you’re wrong and an awful person etc etc etc” because my heart does go to the jewish people and then i feel guilty because my heart goes out (and has always gone) to the palestinians and i don’t know what to do anymore.

i know you’re only a stranger on the internet, but the one thing i’ve always admired about you is that you’re not afraid to stare your honest opinion and i’m genuinely asking: does thinking/feeling this way make me a bad person?

(and again: feel free to delete this. it’s not a fun subject and i understand if you want to keep your blog more lighthearted and all that)

im gonna answer this because i think its important but with a few disclaimers: i dont really wanna speak about it further than this because like you said it can be very heavy, and also im still very much learning about all the history behind this so take everything i say with a grain of salt

i definitely dont think it makes you a bad person for hurting for the innocent victims that are bound to become a tragic part of this. neither side of this is okay with civilians dying. its a tragedy in itself that it's come to this in the first place. empathy is important in all cases and you being jewish definitely makes these emotions even deeper and more close to your heart, it's perfectly reasonable for you too feel bad for innocent people.

[atherix]

Cracked open a word doc for this because this one is gonna be long, settle in. It might be screaming. It’s probably mostly gonna be screaming. Frankly. God. I read this for the first time at 6 am.

GOD THE CALM AFTER THE STORM THE WAY THIS STORY STARTS MAKES ME INSANE GOD THE PARALLELS??????? THE FACT THAT RIGHT FROM THE START I JUST WANTED TO SCREAM BECAUSE SCAR’S HAIR HAD LEAVES AND STICKS AND BLOOD IN IT? AHHH I do love that it took the three of them to be this beat up to actually lay it all out on the table to be honest. It’s very fitting. I do also love how they only talked about what they were supposed to talk about for like 5 minutes before completely derailing to emotionally devastate themselves and each other

Related but the fact that they never come back to grian going up against blondie on his own is so funny the man avoided so hard that he would rather tell them he killed three gods. Mood, Grian.

‘I don’t want people dying because of me’ HIT ME LIKE A SACK OF BRICKS, FYI. SCAR. SCAR. I AM HOLDING HIM BY HIS WET AND PATHETIC FACE. GOD AND IT ONLY GOT WORSE AS HE TALKED ABOUT HIS DAD, AND JUST. AHHHH.

Now. We are going to deal with the fact that Grian can SPEAK ANCIENT bc of the WATCHER BIBLE because its making me insane. He’s got two supernatural boyfriends who speak their language [and I think the fae had their own?] AND Natural and Grian just. Casually. Bc of this holy tome. Knows Ancient and didn’t even realize it was disconnected from Avian bc of the midnight alley. I’m. I am shaking him.

WE’RE ALSO GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE CHANGELING THING. ‘Don’t worry about it’ SCAR I AM GOING TO. Especially w my secret friend knowledge slkdfhs GOD. I AM WORRIED

And then the whole magic flux thing and scar’s dad dying and SCAR WATCHING HIS DAD DIE AUGH. The fact that this whole time everyone’s been saying watching a sorcerer go out isn’t pretty and somehow I didn’t properly connect the dots until the lead up to the talking about it my LITTLE HEART AH. This scene genuinely made me cry while I was reading it.

AND THEY’RE ALL HOLDING ONTO EACH OTHER YOUR HONOR GOD. THIS IS WHAT THEY DESERVE FINALLY. I AM CAPTURING THIS MOMENT IN A BOTTLE AND NEVER LETTING IT GO. MY HANDS ARE CUPPED AROUND IT SO I CAN PEEK IN AT IT AND GIGGLE AND SQUEE SOME MORE. GRIAN IS USING HIS WING AS A BLANKET. A SHIELD. A GROUNDING MECHANISM. AHHH

I love that with Scar the story always come back to not being able to make decisions for other people. It’s a cycle – Scar tries to let go of that part of himself, something happens that puts someone in danger, he clams back up but he clams up too tight and gets himself on the path to hurting himself, someone puts him  on the right path – ad infimum until the cycle breaks. God. Parallels between that and Mumbo’s ‘Putting myself back out there to try and do some good – Oh god Ive fucked up and everything is bad – I need to hole myself away for decades and hide from my mistakes – the coast is clear and this time I’ll do it right’. Mwah.

Also the Dad stuff going on here. How Scar and Mumbo get either other on a deeper level because they are/were parents. They can put themselves in each others shoes in a way grian can’t [yet]. But also Grian fucking chirping and making bird noises is. So.

‘I was useless as a natural and Im useless now” right okay that’s why Scar has what I believe to be a good handful of history books ABOUT YOU AND HOW USEFUL YOU WERE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY IN YOUR LIFE okay jumbo. But god also the fact that the thing he talked about was all his friends dying in the revoltion and not his wife getting slaughtered means that is probably still locked away so tight in his lil noggin oh boy. That’s gonna rear its head hard and fast one day if I know anything about you. But also ‘a memory only he can pass on’ H I T me. Like a moving car.

And then all his kids dying lsdakg this poor dude. He just wanted a kid. [its fine hes got tubbo now] and then Anna dlgkfh lord. Mumbooooooooooo

I did notice he didn’t actually talk about Anna he just got in his head and G O D that is gonna come back to bite all of them in the ass at some point huh. Isnt it.

‘four and a half centuries is plenty of time’ NO????? FOUR AND HALF CENTURIES IS PLENTY OF TIME TO HAVE MORE TRAGEDY, SURE. SURE. RECOVERY? NO.

Also his name being Alexandre Moore is so cute and fitting for c!Mumbo wow. Mwah. AND I WANT HIM TO START INVENTING AGAIN PLEASE THE REDSTONE CONSTANTLY BUZZING IN MY HEAD BEGS FOR IT LDKSGHSD

Also grians nestmates are fucking dead aren’t they. They’re like absolutely fucking deceased in that cave huh. Bottom of the cavern, never came out? Dead. Dead dead.

But the fact that Grian talks about being chosen but he was just like a servant l;dsaghklllkdf a servant to the watchers is my guess that fucks me up so bad like he thought his life was so elevated and im never ognna forget when him and scar were talking and scar realized grian was definitely not a noble im.

And the WAY grian talks himself in circles and into corners like Scar and Mumbo’s shit is clearly emotionally devastating but they’ve clearly at least processed it somewhat but we KNOW bc we’re often is grian’s pov that he avoids even thinking about midnight alley for himself so he probably hasn’t processed anything properly and ahhhhh just the way he talks about midnight alley is so different from how scar talked about his dad or mumbo talked about his friends and family. Part of that is character difference sure but. But part of that is definitely that grian hasn’t actually processed anything isn’t it. Oh god going to the alley again is going to fuck the three of them up like crazy isn’t it.

AND THEN THE WHOLE DREAM THING ON TOP OF THAT TOO I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT GRIAN WAS ACTUALLY UNWORTHY BECAUSE IF HE WAS THEN WHY THE HELL IS HE HAVING PROPHETIC DREAMS!!! Heres a theory I just pulled out of my ass – Grian was already a watcher, he didn’t absorb a watcher soul when he killed three of them because he was already a godling. Something about the fact that he’s held onto the god soul for 2 years with basically no side effects. Somethings not adding up here. His body should be having to fight it based on how Scar is talking about it – ATHERIX I AM SHAKING YOU

GOD AND THE FACT THAT GRIAN IS THINKING OF WHEN SCAR GOT SHOT WITH WITHER BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN SOMEONE WITHERS AND THEN ALSO THE FACT THAT HE’S THINKING ABOUT IT NOW AND THERES GOTTA BE SOME PART OF HIM PARANOID BLONDIE IS GOING TO COME BACK FOR THEM

And then the fact that Mumbo and Scar and Fate and Tying Grian back to everything good that’s happened and the way it grounds him I am shaking the bars of my enclosure like a New York sewer rat.

And the fact that theyre all sitting there realizing that Grian is now basically a ticking time bomb the same way scar is. That Mumbo is realizing sitting there that his mates, the two people he loves as deeply as he loved Anna, are ticking time bombs. That Scar who just confessed he doesn’t want people to die because of him, is now looking at his boyfriend like hes a ticking time bomb. DESPITE ALL MY RAGE I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE. AND GRIAN DOESN’T EVEN REALLY PROCESS IT EITHER DOES HE he just files it away in his ‘Traumatic Junk’ FOLDER.

AND THEN THEY’RE GOING TO GO TO MIDNIGHT ALLEY AND GOD I CAN ALREADY FEEL THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE A DISASTER IN THE HIGHEST REGARD AND I AM SO READY.

BUT then they go to bed and mumbo has to go to bed with thew knowledge that both his mates are ticking time bombs and he doesn’t know how to stop it. I AM SHAKING YOU SO HARSHLY.

See me cracking my fingers bc I need to go to bed but I'm stubborn-

YEAH MY MANS WAS MESSED UP HJFSKJS. I mean what's a little emotional instability without Near Death Experiences to highlight what's at stake here hjgfkfd Ah yes, avoidance. They're all very good at that. Nothing like a good Emotional Talk to distract from the fact that they'd all rather let themselves die than Inconvenience Each Other or Put Each Other In Danger hjkgfdkjfd

Look, man swerved so hard they ended up on a completely different plane. What's a little battle against Blondie when you find out you're dating a literal god-

YEAH. YEAH YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO RESIST TALKING ABOUT THAT BACKSTORY I AM HFSKJKJS I WANNA HUG HIM. And today you learned something that makes this even worse heheh-

Yis, the Fae have their own language yis <3 Haha Midnight Alley speaks Avian and reads/writes Ancient. Honestly it's a miracle Grian even knows Natural. Wonder if he had to crash-course learn it in his first year out of the Alley because I highly doubt they taught it there :) hehe-

LMAAOOOO you have every right to be worried. Scar has too much faith honestly <3

This is even funnier considering I PROBABLY GAVE YOU MORE HINTS TO IT THAN ANYONE ELSE LMAAOOOO JKFSKJS good good, I was going for emotional devastation. Max angst and trauma for the little Elf man AND the readers-

YES OMG I LOVE WINGED CHARACTERS USING THEIR WINGS AS SHIELDS/BLANKETS I AM KJKFSKS I LOVE IT SO MUCH <3 They will have more days like this HOPEFULLY HAPPIER ONES JHFSJKDS-

You get it <3 I love parallels and bookends and themes. Vicious cycles that need to be broken and lessons that need to be learned and just jhfdjksk it's something I wanted to explore from the start with this story. It's all about the regrets and the fears. Mumbo learning to accept he's a Vampire and taking his place in Vampire society, Scar learning to accept that he deserves to be happy, too, and he can't make the decision for other people...... also has anyone noticed the irony in Scar? He rejects a lot of his Fae instincts and attributes because Fae magic is naturally manipulative and he doesn't want to control people, but then he tries to manipulate them anyway. Has- has anyone noticed this? I'm-

LOOK. I love that Scar and Mumbo have that Dad to Dad communication and understanding <3 And you just KNOW if Mumbo had found out about Tubbo earlier things would have been so Different jhfskj I love it. ALSO GRIAN deserves to make bird sounds sorry not sorry <3

Hahaha he sure skipped over that part :) You know. Blondie looks a LOT like her sister. I'm sure that :) won't come back to bite :) The fact that he instantly stumbled when talking about Anna dying :) The fact he froze up when Blondie got Grian :):) hehe. LOOK. LOOK. Something that KILLS me about history is that there are SO MANY LITTLE THINGS we will never know, because they weren't "important" enough to record and only the people who were there could ever pass it down. It destroys me on a deep emotional level so I knew I had to include that line somehow-

Pretty weird how all three children died huh- cough cough anyway he will acquire children one day <3 Which sounds. Vaguely threatening but I swear it's wholesome, he becomes Dad again <3 Though the moment Tubbo realizes Mumbo has elevated to Other Father is hilariously tragic but. But. You know all about that-

Heheh :) Maybe :)

YEAH BUT ALSO THE FACT HE BOTTLED IT ALL UP AND TRIED NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND TOLD NO ONE HJKJKHSKJS-

The name popped into my head and I was immediately like "Yep that's it <3" HE WILL START INVENTING AGAIN I PROMISE. HE WILL REAWAKEN THE PASSION <3

:) Hahaha guess you'll have to wait for Midnight Alley to find out huh :)

Grian's life view was greatly skewed growing up, he was too young to really understand what was happening and by the time he was old enough it was just Normal to him and he felt like he owed them so much... hjfkjskd sometimes I think about that scene from Scar's perspective tbh, just listening to Grian talk about his life inside the Midnight Palace and unconsciously comparing it to your own and realizing This Is Not The Same and just jkfgdkjdk-

YEAH. They may not have recovered but they've at least processed. Grian has been avoiding this for- gee, I think in-story it's been almost 4 years now?? I know my timeline is vague as SHIT but Midnight Misunderstandings didn't happen until nearly a year after Grian met Scar, so this conversation comes roughly 4 years after Grian left Midnight Alley. That's 4 years he's been avoiding even thinking about this shit. (quick timeline note- Tubbo turned 18 shortly after Scar met Grian; this is when Scar told Grian he has an apprentice now. Tubbo is 19 during Midnight Visit, and now Tubbo's 20th birthday is approaching- so it's been roughly 2 years since Grian met Scar and Mumbo hjkfdkj.) Hahaha going to the Alley is. Going to uh. Be. Um. Yeah :) That is going to be Fun and I am CHOMPING to start writing it-

Haha I told you on Discord but you're paaaartially correct here, not 100% but definitely onto something :) But you know. It's interesting :) Isn't it :) that all of this stuff with the Watchers is happening now :) After Grian has Mumbo and Scar and the Coven... :) You know. Like he. Uh. Like he's fulfilled part of the Tenets to be a Watcher. :)

Grian will Always be on the lookout for Blondie now. Soft moments? He's glancing around. No more walks in the woods at 2 AM, no more dancing in the clearing, none of that. He is. Definitely worried. :)

KFSKLFJKS yesssss. Grian came into their lives and broke down Scar's walls at exactly the right moment and just. So much would be different if Grian wasn't there and if that's not Fate then idk what is hjfgdkkd-

Grian is very good at compartmentalizing. Unfortunately he's NOT good at the "get back to it later" part. This bird man. I swear- BUT YEAH HHHJSHJ Mumbo already having to deal with and accept that Scar is basically one magic overload from his deathbed finding out Grian is one step from either Death or Immortality and just hjfdhjsjks it's scary fhjdskfds SHAKE THE BARS ON YOUR RAT CAGE HEHEH-

I WANT YOU TO KNOW. THAT I HAVE BEEN EAGERLY AWAITING MIDNIGHT ALLEY FOR NEARLY TWENTY PARTS NOW.

Hehehehehe I hope they sleep well :) I'm sure there won't be any nightmares after this :) I'm sure Mumbo will sleep just fine even knowing that both his mates could literally die any minute-

[catboygirlboss]

picrew used

i don’t have names for these characters but they’re both roughly 80. one of them is every gender, the other is no gender (haven’t decided who is which, i just like the idea of them being an all or nothing couple). they’re both mspec but idk about specific labels

their story is fairly simple. they feel as though they wasted their lives on mundanities and decide to do whatever the fuck they want. they’re 80, who’s gonna stop them? then maybe they kiss kiss fall in love <3

the character on the left was born in the 40s maybe? they realized pretty early on that they were not straight (fell in love with someone of the same sex) (im being vague about genders intentionally cos i don’t wanna reveal anyone’s assigned gender at birth) but it wasn’t until they were roughly in their 30s or 40s that they had gender related thoughts, and about a decade later they finally accepted the fact that they were not cis

the character on the right was also maybe born in the 40s. they married someone of the opposite sex (again, no AGABs here), had a few kids, which led to grandkids, and only after that did they think “huh, i don’t think im cis”. also, only after getting married, they were pretty sure they were gay because they were more attracted to the same sex than their opposite sex spouse. however, one day they met someone of the opposite sex (maybe like,,, a friend of their spouses? idk) and they realized “AM I BISEXUAL???”

and now they’re next door neighbors and they can’t stand each other. but they eventually come to a tentative understanding and decide to go on a journey of some kind together. still ironing out the details but im excited to work on this story!!

[nagdabbit]

LONG ANSWER, PLEASE. Come through callin' broke me and put me back together, I want to know EVERYTHING

yall are fast this morning! 💜

im sorry for how long and overshary this is gonna be

so, like, i really haven't been shy about talking about my mental health and shit, and especially how writing this fic kinda became part of my therapy, right? like it really became "how do i talk about burnout, this thing that i have no fucking words for because at no point in time have i ever let myself recover from it and have spent literal decades of my life letting it compound to the point that i have no idea whether or not ill ever be able to really heal?"

so this kinda came about in talking with my therapist about, like, how to move on and forward and start actually healing. and the fic definitely didn't end up a 1:1, cuz i still had to translate therapy into science fiction and romance. and obviously this is in no way a universal experience, this is just how my brain works. kay? kay.

the thing is i just get absolutely bogged down in the "this is whats happening and i need to stop it," not "this is what's happening to me and i need to start recovering from it." ive got a brain that likes to get extremely bogged down in the thing (burnout, depression, anxiety, etc) and not the broad causes of the thing (overworking, trauma, etc). i fixate on an unsolvable problem and don't allow myself enough room to actually think about myself as a person experiencing said problem—and therefore tend to ignore the limits of what i can actually take before i fall apart. i am absolutely the type to see a massive crack in the side of a dam and put a batman bandaid on it, thinking that'll fix it and it's safe to carry on business as usual.

preserving kayfabe and all that, in the lead up to revolution mox is getting terrorized by kenny, still missing his best friend who he's gone to war with, got betrayed by the bucks mid-match, oh were about to put on one of the most iconic gimmick matches of all time i hope it lives up to the unreasonable hype, etc. like, if wrestling were real life, i would need to lie down for a long time after all that. the start of the fic, we find mox in "i cannot fix this singular thing, so i have stopped trying" instead of "i am going to try and heal the things that caused this." cuz moxs life is now just sunday. saturday doesn't matter, only sunday. he's fixating on the thing, and not thinking about fixing what caused it.

cuz jeezy, and i cannot stress this enough, chreezy, it is nigh impossible to see the problem when you're in the middle of it. especially when you're isolated, by choice or circumstance.

i also struggle with asking for help in any kind of normal way. like, i with either bottle things up until they overflow, or i put way too much on another person with no real regard for what they can actually carry. and when that support system that i have piled on top of fails, i get angry a blame myself and everyone within reach and then cycle back around to the not talking about it with anyone, ever part. i am all for being selfish, humans need to be selfish, but not at the detriment of the health of the people they care about. it's a real fine line that i often forget exists until i cross it.

mox spends the fic placing too much on people who have no way to carry it all. once again, not exactly 1:1. there's a lot that he does, and conversations that are had, that would be so much healthier if the fic weren't, you know, a time loop. it's the "i am going to hang absolutely everything i have left on this sliver of hope that you have provided me" thats fucking him over. none of these people, no matter how well he explains it, are going to be able to fully understand what hes experiencing. and through no fault of their—or his—own are going to let him down. whether he admits it, or not. see: the final conversation with eddie at the end of chapter one. every conversation pervious has yielded no change in his circumstances (because he's not analyzing himself, so much as the space he's occupying) so he goes into that conversation angry and frustrated that eddie can't fix or fully understand this impossible thing.

a thing my therapist has tried very, very hard get me to understand in a very practical sense is that doing something that feels good is still healing. that thing that makes my bandaid-on-the-hoover-dam coping mechanisms not work is the amount of guilt ill throw at myself at the idea that im just ignoring the problem—which just adds more pressure trying to break through the dam.

mox spends this entire fic finding ways to feel better and heal emotionally, and then writing them off because they aren't the Big Bad. he noticeably feels better after talking to eddie and cooking with renee, but because those don't fix the issue, they don't matter. he chases those moments, and then feels guilty that he's found these moments of respite because he thinks he's not fixing the actual time loop part—even tho he very clearly is. he gets bogged down going after science and brain scans, not realizing that talking through those trials with renee is the part that's actually helping.

so the time loop finally breaks the day he gets up and says "i have decided to feel good today" and doesn't try and punish himself for it. the previous cycle to that, he still gets in his head about that guilt. another not 1:1 part, he has guilt of realizing that he's using this to break the cycle, and not because he wants his two people together.

that bit in the sessions where he was like, "i make a point to have my fake beer, and make it specifically a part of my routine, so i don't just accidentally forget and have a regular beer." that is, objectively, an extremely adhd fucking thing to say. do you know how often i accidentally buy grapefruit juice even tho i am on zoloft, and have been for years? that's also not a thing that simply happens in a physical sense, it can happen in an emotional one, too. to get back to the personal oversharing bit, decemeber of 2020, i got so excited to get a care package from my brother that for like ten minutes i forgot i had covid and that both my parents had died of it just weeks before. brains are stupid.

so, like, "i got so caught up in the euphoria of loving these people that i forgot i was trapped in an unknowable hellscape." it wasn't so much that he remembered that kept the cycle from breaking that day, it's the guilt of thinking he's ignoring his problem and then taking two steps backward. again. because thats kinda the theme of the fic.

the loops well and truly start to unravel when he sees them together in the kitchen and just goes fuck it. im gonna enjoy tonight and not punish myself for it. but it breaks when he gets up the next cycle and let's himself have it. the shadow of these loops is still there, and he knows it, and he acknowledges it to himself, but he's not feeling feeling guilty for letting go himself have a nice day.

and going back to the putting too much on people, it's that final conversation with eddie that really fixed it. there's a thing i kinda started to examine in an earlier fic i wrote, lamp-bright rind, about healing as a person so there's room for the people you care about, and not building yourself around those people. that people are people, not scaffolding, i guess. you can rely on people, but you can't build yourself in an image that will make them love you, cuz you're a person not a painting that's going to hang in the house of someone's life.

that last morning, he realizes that every conversation he's had, outside of renee (and even a couple of those), has been for his own gain in a way. like, he's spent so long talking about himself and his problems and what he needs, that he forgot that eddie is also living a life and that he always wants to hear about it. "i got so fucked up by groundhog day that i forgot that i care more about who you are than what you can do for me." brains. it happens. hell, speaking from experience here, i am old fucking hat at this revelation.

the "oh, hey, i love you and i love knowing about you, and i am extremely tired of not actually indulging this thing that i love, which is just having a no-strings conversation with you."

so, long therapy short, the thing that broke the loops was mox just letting himself have a healing moment without the guilt of doing so. letting himself go "hey, this feels nice and i am going to let it feel nice and accept this, and not feel bad about it." because that is recovery. that really is healing, and it's small and it can feel insignificant, but it is actually extremely fucking huge.

so.

i have no idea if that all is coherent or makes as much sense laid out as it did in the scrambled mess of my brain. but. that's the logic i kinda built this fic around.

anyway, my best friend refers to mox as their "emotional support wrestler" and i really have started to feel that. especially after reading his book and that most recent episode of renees pod.

is this healthy? i do not know or care, but my therapist gave me a gold star sticker, so it doesn't fucking matter.

thank you for letting me overshare my thought process

[post-office-by-the-bay]

Dearest Covey,

Turns out we didn’t get the infection under control (imagine I’m doing the Debby Ryan right here) + cause of my sickle cell I don’t do great with infections but I’m good now (knock on wood) we think it’s because I had a sickle crisis but it’s over now so I dunno 🤷‍♀️ oh well I guess it means I missed my last english review before exam season 😭

I missed my friends party that I think I told you about but my boyfriend said he couldn’t make it either and came and stayed with me cause my dad had work and my older sister was out 🫶🫶 + he brought round his mum’s cooking and GOOD LORD that woman can cook I love her so much (even if I really shouldn’t be eating it 😟 don’t tell my dad or my doctor)

Plus I would like to put my little sister forward as the cutest eight year old ever. When I was home she would legit come into my room like 10 minutes after her bedtime and be ‘sneaky’ so she could talk to me and make sure I was ok and I don’t think I’ve ever cried more. She’s so cute anyway this has been a rant I’m pretty sure you don’t want to hear 😭

Anyway, i thought my couple days away from before was long but Jesus I’ve been gone for like just over a week? maybe 2? Probably about a week. Got loads of your work to catch up on and I will make sure to send a letter complimenting it all because I am SURE it is gonna be amazing (like usual) even though I do not have a scooby where I left off.

I can also vote that Elise and I aren’t the same person but cause she’s using another name I didn’t realise it was her until I sent the letter about having an illness twin and I was like 😨 Rory?? But yeah I’m using a side account so even if you do guess who I am in the anon guessing thing I’ll probably just sign off with my name cause that main blog is OLD and it won’t let me delete it all and it’s cringey as fuck so…

How’s your life been? Hope it’s been as chill as can be and I hope your trip was good! Hope no one else sent in a request and if they did I’m disappointed I missed it 🙁🙁 this is such a long letter but I had so much to catch you up on 🫶 

ALSO IM LOVING THE NEW BLOG??? ITS SO CUTESY AND I HOLD IT SO CLOSE TO MY HEART EVEN THOUGH THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IM SEEING IT AND ITS NOT EVEN MINE 🤭 HAPPY ONE THOUSAND AS WELL!!! YOU DESERVE IT SO MUCH MY LOVE 🫶🫶

Finally, loads and loads and lots and lots of love to make up for when I was gone,

🎞️ <3

(This is such a long letter I am so so so sorry Covey you do not need to read this all 😭 I did try and cut it down I swear)

my stunning film roll anon,

AHHH FIRSTY YOURE SO SWEET OH MY GOODNESS LUV YA POOKS

secondly, im so so sorry about all your medical issues!! I have no way to relate or even begin to understand what your going through but that must suck like legit balls lmao-

also, your little sister seems so so sweet!! I also wanted a sibling to take care of, to talk to, ya know, but my older sister was too busy being older for that. but we chillin now

lifes been chill, ya know how it be. (ive never been more stressed in my whole 18 years of life. monday save me. monday pls kill yourself. monday be OVER already good lord) (i have my ap test and my last band concert ever...MONDAY DIE)

LUV YA MORE HON!! HOPE YOUR HEALTH GOT BETTER IN THE DECADE IT TOOK ME TO RESPOND TO THIS!!

all my love,

covey 𐙚⊹ ࣪ ˖

[crymea-river]

4/26/2024

leap years are for remembering

god sometimes i read the things i used to write on here or even in my old journals and i cringe (for lack of a better word) at how seriously i was taking things. this page is such a time capsule. i love it, im glad ive documented my feelings over the years but it makes me feel… weird. nostalgia is so interesting.

im having a really good and also strange time with (what i assume is) my adult brain. good bc i can trust my judgement better than i have ever been able to; things just make sense in an innate way now, a way that i struggle describe. strange bc i feel like i know myself less than i ever have but also way more than i ever have at the same time ? im the same person i was at 11 and 12 and 13 and 17 and 18 and 22, and its so crazy to me how different all these ages felt but theyre all me. they didnt really go anywhere, theyre all still inside me. i remember being 22 and still feeling relatively connected to my high-school-self but then just 2 years later i felt decades removed from her. and now i feel decades removed from my 22-year-old-self. the way i would reminisce on 2016 in 2020 is how im reminiscing on 2020 now. lol leap years are for remembering, i guess.

ive found myself reverting back to a lot of things i used to do and enjoy in adolescence. lots of silly topical things, like using pantene instead of all these expensive hair products ive tried over the years. i loved the way it made my hair smell back then and it made it so soft and who cares if it coats my hair in silicon or whatever ill just clarify it every few weeks itll be fine. im also finally letting myself enjoy things from back then that i was afraid to fully embrace for fear of being judged. thats a Huge fun part about getting older i’ve noticed, not caring what others think. id have told you back then that i didnt care about that, and on the surface i didnt. but it would get to me to some degree. i think my music taste from back then is a prime example of that (im not gonna elaborate i know what i mean).

i hope im making 11 and 12 and 13 year old me proud. and i want to tell 16 and 17 and 18 AND 19 year old me it gets better, but also to stop taking such trivial things so seriously maybe. life does not revolve around having a boyfriend (or whatever youd call those fuckers from back then). itll happen when its meant to and it will be so worth it. no one knows what they want at those ages. i barely knew what i wanted until it fell into my lap to be honest, and that only happened after i stopped yearning so hard for that shit and began TRULY enjoying my own company (and my friends’ obviously. love them). this is not where i wanted to go with this, i didnt want to talk about men. i think thats what cringes me out so bad about my old posts/entries, theyre allllllll (mostly) about bOyS. which was age appropriate i GUESS but idk it just caused me so much unnecessary stress lol. i learned eventually, and im glad i did so when i did.

all this to say im very happy. and peaceful. and i love the people i have surrounded myself with. i love being in love and i cannot describe in actual english words how thrilled i am that its with will. even 4 years into it.

being 26 is just so strange i think

[koqabear]

Hello, I am here to excitedly rave about Only You Darling and shower you in well-deserved compliments. Anybody else reading this, stop if you haven't read Only You Darling as there will be SPOILERS.

First of all, your writing is brilliant, I wish I could come up with plots like you do. I have so many fics that I start writing and then I don't know how to get from A to B or what should happen next and just give up.

I have read Only You Darling (and also What The Body Wants, the whole concept of that fic >>>) twice now, and I'm sure I'll read it again in the future. My first read was a wild ride, I was so invested, I thought what if it's Yeonjun and Beomgyu but nah, then I when Soobin came into the picture I was sure it was Soobin and then it was Beomjun! Every time I thought i had it figured out, you had me doubting myself. I loved all the twists and turns and the way I was so stressed after everything went down and the reader was living in that house, the imagery that you created was amazing. I have to say that it's the best fic I've read on this site. Hands down. I don't think I've read such a well planned and fleshed out fic in maybe a decade (not to show my age haha), after I was done reading I felt as if I'd just watched a movie. I don't even get through thriller novels, I always get bored with the pacing or the writing, but you had me in the palm of your hand.

I'm sure I have more thoughts, but right now they're just a blurred mess of excitement and awe. Thank you for sharing your work and making me excited about reading fics again. I am slowly making my way through the rest of your stuff, I'm sure I will be back to word-vomit on you about other stories in the future!

HAIIIIII HIHIHI OMG IM SOOOO SORRY I TOOK LITERAL MONTHS TO ANSWER THIS 😭😭😭🙁 i saw it and wanted to make sure that i had time to answer all your points but then i KEPT FORGETTING ABOUT IT 😭😭 but please know that i really appreciate feedback like 🫶🫶🫶 getting a review on oyd always makes me so happy and you really delivered with this 

full response under the cut :]

AHHHHSJDBSKDB BUT THANK U OMG 💔💔 when i first started writing on here i’d neverrrr thought i’d be writing long fics so consistently… even 10k was a huge rare accomplishment to me akzbwkdjs,,, it takes time to really figure out what works and what doesn’t with writing methods but… i wish you the best of luck with all your wips and i’m sure you’ll be able to have a breakthrough someday with any you might be struggling on !!! i believe in you !!!

YOU’VE READ OYD TWICE. Oh… my heart T_T idk but like,, i’ve never really been able to grasp the concept that people actually.. reread my stories. That’s genuinely one of the most flattering things to hear in my opinion bc 😭😭 to hear that i’ve managed to write a fic that’s worth being read again is mind blowing to me algskldgh (also thank you !!! WTBW is forever near and dear to my heart <3)

It’s always so satisfying to hear that my attempts on tricking the readers were successful hehe :3 it was one of the major things i was worried about tbh,,, it took a lot of thinking on how i would introduce soobin’s character and how he would be involved, so im happy to hear that my work paid off ! and imagery was something that i learned was very important while writing oyd; it really makes or breaks a scene, imo. Especially in those final cabin scenes,,, AGH idk im so giddy to have it pointed out tho bc i do put a little extra love and effort into my imagery :3

AWWWWSLDKGHH UGH YOU’RE JUST. im gonna sob. The best fic.. dont say that to me im crazy 😭😭 but aggggh it makes me feel so appreciated and seen to read that you think it’s well planned like :(( i remember how much effort i put into that fic omg… that story is my baby im afraid 

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a sweet review, and im sorry i couldn’t respond to it sooner 😭 comments like these are sooo motivating and validating, i seriously can’t explain how happy it makes me <333