#this is actually like a month old but been lazy on posting it til now lol

[rioniarts]

Rise and Shine, Daddies!

i gotten into dndads as of late and had an idea to recreate this meme while i was listening to S1 :^)

[storiesofsvu]

happy thursday!

Okay, I didn’t do last week cause I literally slept through mothership, half watched TO and was just too tired to do a “live” post so here’s what I remember/my thoughts.

-having amanda back was awesome and it was really nice to see her in the field again, but like NONE of that should have been allowed (with the exception of when liv said something about “find her paperwork, maybe it didn’t get filed and she’s still a cop after all” which is just LAZY writing’s way of getting around it). Amanda consulting on a case or helping in the squad room? Sure. But not out in the field taking charge, at crime scenes/etc any half competent defence attorney would have that all thrown out entirely.

-absolutely HATED how at the beginning of the ep carisi was all “I can get you a job as an investigator at the da’s office” like… amanda was a detective for over 10 years, she’s got a degree in forensic science, she does NOT need her husband to get her ANOTHER job, she can do that shit herself. I dunno why it irked me so much, but since leaving the show she’s just simplified into “carisi’s wife”/a mom, like, she’s been a mom for years already and was a perfectly competent cop.

-amanda being bored as a professor? Totally fine. Her wanting to go back to being a cop? Completely unbelievable. She LEFT the nypd after being shot because all she could think of was leaving her girls/carisi alone. So you really think she would come back now that she has ANOTHER kid, who is still a baby?? make it make sense. (yes, I would love to have amanda back in some capacity, she needs liv, liv needs her. even if she could just pop up once a month that’d be great) (and yes we need more female characters who are likeable and actually in every episode).

The domestic rollisi scenes were cute AF and I’m so glad to see them. I hope we get more of them. Also it didn’t even cross my mind so I know it wouldn’t have crossed the writers minds, but did we REALLY have to name the baby dominck jr jr and then call him *Nicky* when amanda had a very dramatic situationship with someone named NICK while her now husband was pining over her waiting in the wings?(again, I didn’t even notice this til I saw people complaining on twitter and now it just gives me a it of the ick lol)

Amanda also pushed it WAY too hard when she was UC, again, any attorney could have had that thrown out, ESP with any recordings prosecution would have to hand over. She wasn’t just letting him do what he wanted, she was practically seducing him. Bam. Case thrown out. Like yeah she obvi misses doing that kinda stuff but still… I DO love me some UC amanda, but there were some issues.

Okay I can’t remember what else really happened, so those are my thoughts on last week.

OC was okay.  

Well that’s fucking creepy…

Yeah bro… delivery man or not I’m not letting someone use my phone, worst that can happen? Murder. Less worse? He steals my phone. Both are non ideal.

Okay I had to run upstairs and missed the entire second block of the ep minus Nolan saying something about an old case so im v confused now.

Shaw really didn’t need to parkour over that mattress like that… if it was meant to look cool… it did not work, it looked lame.

The physical reaction I had to shaw throwing a chair should not be the immediate reaction a person has… but here we are…

Okay that ep was pretty good

Not watching Toronto. Well…the plan was to not watch it and now it’s kinda on in the background but im not really paying attention.

Okay, here we go svu. Fingers crossed for a good episode (tbh my hopes are not high lol)

I like the actress playing Sykes like she was incredible in the other ep she was in where she played a victim, but this role/characterization is not it. She’s too dry, she’s boring and I do not like her character at all.

Ugh, and of course we’ve got liv pushing this. Like… I *get* it to a point, she wants to watch out for the people around her who may be/are struggling, but like… y’all aren’t friends, and I’m pretty sure liv even said “I’m not really your boss” or something along those lines, and sykes said something about being put on a case (BECAUSE SHE IS A FUCKING FED NOT AN NYPD SVU DETECTIVE) so just fucking let her go. liv needs to deal with her own shit, maybe have another lunch with amanda and help her figure her shit out.

Fin speaking the fucking truth as per usual. Trying to tell liv she’s out of her lane and doing something she shouldn’t be doing.

This entire season has been focused on Liv hyper focusing and getting major obsessive over cases and fucking completely spiraling and looking like she’s insane and I honestly fucking hate that.

AND NOW SHE’S STRAIGHT UP LYING TO HER SQUAD?! BABYGIRL WHAT THE FUCK?

Velasco in purple, hellllooo.

I dunno if im gonna be able to handle Bruno and Velasco continually being partnered up. Imma have to write a threesome fic pretty soon… (wait.. I can do that for bingo!) (that being said, can these boys go back to wearing their badges on their belts, cause there’s something undeniably sexy about the way they have to flash them)

Okay hearing my last name on this show out of liv’s mouth felt REAL fucking weird. I don’t like it.

“not without a oujia board” LOL. Thanks Bruno

Oh good fucking god. Now Velasco and Bruno are teaming up on a perp… pls sirs. Yell at me. JFC. “open up.. say ah…” yeah.. im writing a fucking fic after this…

I understand they’re trying to solve a case/help but like, why can’t they just let these grieving families put the past behind them?? Like you’re dragging up trauma from 10 plus years ago..

Liv just answered the phone “Ed?” and I JOLTED cause my brain went “TUCKER?!!?” and then I remembered he dead.

Velasco is finally at the stage where he’s been around liv long enough that he can start to call her out, he’s witnessed the darker side of her a few weeks ago, he’s someone who normally sits quiet and observes and he can tell she’s fucking losing it. (like, not really, but also she lowkey is and needs to chill and go home and hangout with her son).

“good luck with your open cases. I hope they distract you from your own endless amounts of baggage”

WOW tonight really is all about calling out Liv and I am HERE for it.

Also please for the love of god can we stop name dropping William lewis. We lived through those eps, we don’t need it anymore unless liv is actually going to fully get closure (and PLEASE no visual flashbacks anymore…)

Sonny being in liv’s phone as “ADA Carisi” is wild.

Every single time they bring up genealogy tests on these shows it reminds me yet another reason to never do one lol.

Drink every time a family member/bestie is all “omg he would never, he’s a good man, he even goes to church!” meanwhile they’re guilty af

Oop. And he runnin.

It’d be real nice if we could go to court in an episode sometime soon… like…give carisi something to do that’s his *actual* job. In the old seasons ada’s got SUED for galivanting around the city with the cops meanwhile carisi just gets to go UC and do whatever he wants whenever he wants cause the writers/show runners don’t wanna do court scenes anymore??

You really think an episode centered around the case involving skykes missing sister would have actually been more centered AROUND sykes?? Like, I get that she was all “leave it alone” but it would’ve been a much better episode if they were working a current case/different svu case/cold case/WHATEVER and THEN found a dna link/connection and sykes could’ve been all “wait.. I know this pattern/souvenir/whatever” and slowly put it together that it could be the same person….

Meh episode.

Okay, onto OC, let’s see how this goes.

Ok, I know this is likely going to be important to the plot or whatever but I couldn’t care less about this fucking flash back lol.

Thank god ayanna’s back.

LOOOOLLLL not a single soul believed jet & bobby. That was perfect.

Okay, elliots back, so whenre we gonna find out what’s going on with eli??

How did I know that the people chasing joey were just gonna be Elliott and someone?

Ok, OC has lost me. Im not longer invested or even caring about this storyline lol

See y’all next week! (maybe?)

[moldisgoodforyou]

how lucky am I

gif by @toesure​ 

summary: jj and charlie return home to the outer banks after their engagement. jj shows charlie around where he grew up - and sees his dad again after six years. 

a/n: this is set in a post-grad universe (read this for background)! and thank you always to my friends @oopmyheartwent-obx​ and @sunnypogue​ for reading it over for me beforehand!! 

warnings: cursing, emotional abuse, mentions of physical abuse.

wordcount: 4.7k

Charlie and JJ took an Uber from the airport as they flew home for the first time since they were engaged, about six months since when they had come home for Christmas. They entered her parents’ house, leaving their suitcases at the door. Charlie took JJ’s cap from him first, fluffing up his hair and giving him a quick kiss before bringing him into the kitchen. Both her parents were busy in the kitchen with their backs to them, music drifting over the radio. “Hey guys!” Charlie greeted cheerfully. 

Her mom reacted first, whipping around at the sound of her daughter’s voice. “JJ! Charlie!” She hugged JJ first, catching him off guard, but he smiled and hugged her back after a beat. “Hi, Mrs. Walker. Whatever you’re making smells incredible.” Charlie had to resist rolling her eyes as her mom pulled back with her hand to her heart. “I told you, JJ, call me Suzie. We’re family now!” JJ nodded, grinning. “Yes ma’am.” 

JJ then extended his arm toward her dad for a handshake, like usual between the two - but her dad pulled him in for a hug, clapping him on the back. “Good to see you, son. Your flight go okay?” JJ beamed at the approval, nodding. “Yes, sir - uh, Mr. Walker.” He corrected himself. Charlie’s dad shook his head and dropped JJ’s hand. “Mike is fine, JJ. You hungry?” He pulled Charlie into a hug, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Dad, can we put our bags up in my room first?” Mike pulled back, giving her a look. “JJ’s bag goes in the guest room.” Charlie rolled her eyes. “Dad, we’re literally engaged -”

Her dad shook his head. “Guest room. Go put them away.” She sighed but nodded, pulling JJ upstairs. They could hear her mom berating her dad for not being nice enough as they walked upstairs and Charlie laughed. “The second they go to bed, you’re coming into my room.” JJ shook his head, but stayed quiet as he lugged their suitcases upstairs and into her room. “You good, J?” She asked, kissing his cheek. JJ nodded, a small smile on his face. “He called me son. Your dad.” Charlie softened, not knowing how much that would mean to him. “You’ve been a part of the family for a while now, baby. Now it’s just official.” 

The next morning, the two took advantage of being back in the Outer Banks, visiting all their favorite spots from growing up. They woke up early to surf for a couple hours with the sunrise, then got breakfast with John B and Sarah afterward. Charlie and JJ then drove by the coast for a while, aimlessly. “Can we go by one more place?” JJ asked after a while. “Of course, what are you thinking?” JJ gave her a small, hopeful smile. “You’ll see.” 

_ 

He drummed his fingers on the wheel as they drove closer to the Cut, toward his old house. “We don’t have to go here if you don’t want to, JJ -” Charlie started, but JJ shook his head, cutting her off. “No, no, I want to check it out.” He gave her an uneasy smile, forcing it. Charlie nodded, squeezing his arm gently but stayed quiet. She had heard most of the stories before and had pretty much made up her mind about JJ’s dad - no in-person meeting could change that. 

He pulled up onto the gravel, taking a breath before turning the key and getting out. Charlie started toward the house, but JJ quickly grabbed her hand, pulling her back. “Can - can you just wait out here first, just for a second?” She nodded, biting her lip out of worry. “Of course. I’ll be right here.” JJ seemed to relax slightly and released her hand, then flipped his cap backward before heading inside. 

“Dad?” He called out, tense. He walked through the house tentatively, listening, then relaxed more once he realized his dad wasn’t home. He surveyed the mess and shoved some trash (and a small white bag) into a drawer before heading back outside. “Charlie, c’mere.” 

Charlie was hesitant, taking his hand again once she reached the porch. “He’s not here, but, uh, you can see my room, at least.” JJ offered. He was clearly embarrassed by the house and Charlie tried to conceal her surprise at the state of disarray, holding his hand a little tighter. JJ led her to his room and pushed open the door - then smiled. 

His room had been untouched since he had moved out and into the Chateau with John B on his 18th birthday. It looked exactly like how an 18-year-old boy’s room would look - rumpled sheets, a few lewd posters on the walls, a spare history textbook used to prop up the uneven leg of the desk. Charlie rolled her eyes. “Doesn’t look too different from your freshman year dorm, I’d imagine.” JJ laughed, splaying his hand over one of the posters. “Pretty much.” 

She took a tentative seat on the bed. “It’s not as bad as you were describing it to me. It’s...homey.” JJ scoffed, looking around. “No, homey is how I feel at your place. This is just fucking sad.” Charlie frowned, reaching out for him, and JJ waved her off. “I’m fine, just. Feels weird being back.” 

Suddenly, there was a bang out front and the sound of splintering wood, like the door was just kicked in. Charlie jumped up from the bed, clinging to JJ. “What the -” JJ clapped his hand over her mouth and put a finger to his lips, shushing her. 

A gruff voice rang out. “I have a gun! Better get the fuck out!” 

Upon hearing the voice, JJ relaxed a bit and moved to walk out. Charlie gripped JJ’s bicep tighter, eyes wide and scared. “What the fuck are you doing!” She hissed, yanking him back. JJ shook her off, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead. “It’s fine, Charlie, it’s just my dad. And he’s a fuckin’ liar.” They could hear footsteps coming closer and Charlie’s heart rate quickened, tears welling in her eyes. “It might not be - JJ, please, we should hide.” She begged, stepping away from the door. 

JJ walked out of his room, hands up. “Just me, Dad!” He called out. Once Luke Maybank saw him, he stopped dead in his tracks - no gun in hand, just as JJ expected. “Oh. JJ? Why the fuck are you here?” JJ let out a sad, short laugh. “Good to see you too, Dad.” Charlie peered out from around the corner, tentative, and Luke immediately spotted her, pointing. “You’re 25 and you’re still sneaking girls into the house?” 

At JJ’s beckon forward, Charlie stepped out, standing slightly behind JJ. “He’s 24, actually,” she corrected before she could stop herself. “She’s got a smart mouth like you.” Luke pointed out, smirking. JJ grit his teeth. “Dad, this is Charlie. My girlfriend I told you about - well, actually, my fiancee.” He was still getting used to saying the word. Charlie took JJ’s hand, then took a small step forward. “Hi.” 

Luke eyed the ring on her finger right away, skeptical. “Where’d you get the money for that rock?” 

“It’s my grandmother’s.” Charlie responded before JJ could even open his mouth.

“Hm.” Luke hummed, pulling out a chair and taking a seat. Charlie stayed tense but JJ did the same, pulling out a chair for Charlie first. She hesitated, but he tugged on his hand gently to show her it was okay. “Where did you meet again?” Luke asked, feigning interest - though his eyes kept flicking back to check out Charlie’s ring. He kicked back in his chair, swinging his feet up onto the table. JJ ran his hand through his hair. “Well...in college. We’ve been dating since senior year, remember?” 

“But I grew up here, we knew each other from high school before that.” Charlie added. Luke raised his eyebrows. “Oh? What’s your last name?” JJ squeezed her knee gently underneath the table. “It’s Walker, Dad.” Luke nodded in recognition, then laughed. “That touristy ice cream shop? Marrying into money, then.” He directed his gaze to Charlie, cracking a smile. “How’d he trick you into bothering with him?” 

Charlie frowned, keeping her tone even. “He didn’t trick me into anything.” 

Luke looked smug. “I’ve known him longer than you, kid, I know how he works.” 

“You should be proud of JJ. He’s intelligent, and kind, and loyal as hell.” She paused, lifting her chin a little. “No thanks to you.” JJ set his jaw and nudged her knee under the table, a private sign to knock it off. 

Luke leaned forward, both hands on the table. “Better watch your pretty little mouth in my house, girl.”  

“Don’t talk to her like that.” JJ quickly admonished, tensing. 

“Am I invited?” Luke asked, a small smirk on his lips. JJ paused, trying to process. “To...to the wedding?” He glanced at Charlie, a mix of emotions displayed on his face. Charlie kept her hard resolve. “We only got engaged two weeks ago, we haven’t worked on a guest list.” She stood, trying to make it clear the conversation was over, and JJ followed suit reluctantly. 

“You’re making a mistake sticking yourself with this lazy piece of shit.” Luke told her, gesturing toward JJ. 

Charlie took a quick step toward Luke, ready to retort, and JJ wrapped his arms around her waist just as quickly, pulling her back toward his chest. “Don’t.” He murmured in her ear. She stayed tense in his arms. 

Luke just laughed. “She’s feisty, huh?” 

JJ kept his arms around Charlie, protective. “She’s loyal.” 

Luke nodded, folding his hands behind his head.  “How long are you around? Back home?” JJ fidgeted with the bill of his cap. “Just ‘til Monday. I gotta get back for work.” Luke made a small noise of acknowledgment and stood, pulling a beer from the fridge. “Well. You ought to come ‘round again before you leave, sounds like we need to catch up.” JJ managed a small smile, confused, but nodded anyway. “Yeah, if we have time.” 

Charlie stepped out of his arms toward the door. “Well, uh, we have to go, but. I’ll see you around.” Luke popped the bottle cap off the beer and took a swig. “No one’s blocking you. Door’s open, kid.” 

The tips of JJ’s ears turned red and he nodded, silently following Charlie through the door and out to the car. “JJ, I -” Charlie started, and he shook his head. “Let’s just go.” The two of them got in the car and he gripped the wheel hard as he drove away, jaw clenched. He flicked through the radio until he found a classic rock station and cranked the volume, foot pressing harder on the gas. 

“I’m just gonna drive.” He told Charlie, eyes set firmly on the long road. She nodded, quiet, but was analyzing his every move, noticing the way his shoulders were tensed up to his ears and his knuckles were white against the steering wheel. 

A few minutes later, it was like JJ had a lead foot against the pedal and the car climbed five, ten, fifteen miles over the speed limit. He stared out at the road but was unfocused, radio static in his ears. “J.” Charlie tried again, for the fourth time. She reached out, shaking his arm. “JJ!” He swerved slightly and glanced over at her, blinking, then finally registered her worried expression and slammed on the brakes, pulling over to the side of the road. 

Charlie reached over and pushed the car into park as his foot stayed on the brake, then unbuckled and quickly got out. She opened the driver’s side door and reached over, unbuckling JJ’s seatbelt. “Out. I’ll drive.” He nodded numbly and stood, turning into her touch. Charlie looked worried and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, but nothing more. 

“Get in and we’ll go home, hon.” He nodded again and did so, wordless. She started the car again, reaching to turn down the radio, but JJ reached for her hand, stopping her. She twisted her wrist to intertwine her fingers with his, resting their hands on the center console and holding his hand tight. 

They stayed quiet as she drove toward her house - but after a glance toward JJ and seeing how hard he was blinking, Charlie turned away from the neighborhood and toward the beach. “You missed the turn.” JJ mumbled, holding tight to her hand. She nodded. “I know. I want to see the beach.” JJ sighed as she pulled toward a secluded lookout spot. “Charlie, I’m fine.” 

Charlie shrugged, putting the car in park and turning the key. “I know. Come on, let’s go sit.” She got out and tugged on his hand, pulling him toward the beach and sitting down with him. After a beat, she scooted closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. JJ leaned down into her, taking a deep breath. “I’m fine.” He repeated, shakily. He swiped the back of his hand across his cheek roughly, not allowing any tears to fall. She tightened her grip on him, letting him rest his head on her chest. 

“It’s okay if you’re not, J.” She whispered, stroking his head. He mumbled something into her t-shirt, still for a moment, then slid his arms around her waist, clinging tight. Charlie frowned and pressed a kiss to his head. “Hm, hon?” 

JJ lifted his head slightly. “You scared me.” 

Charlie let out a short laugh, incredulous. “I scared you? He threatened a gun on you!” 

JJ sat up a little but kept an arm around her waist, looking serious. “You can’t talk to him like that, Charlie. He’s unpredictable. He - he could have hurt you.” 

Charlie frowned. “I can handle myself.” 

JJ furrowed his brow, frustrated. “No, Charlie, I’m serious. You can’t talk to him like that - if he did something to you, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” 

“His words aren’t gonna hurt me.” She replied, stubborn. “If you go back, I’m going with you.” JJ sighed, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get anything through to her in the moment. “Yeah. We’ll see.” Charlie set her jaw, lifting it toward him. “I’m not letting you go back alone, JJ. I don’t trust him.” 

JJ gripped her chin gently, kissing her softly. “You’re too fucking stubborn.” She pulled out of his touch, frowning. “I just want you to be safe.” JJ nodded. “I know.” He glanced down at her phone as it chimed. “We gotta get back for your family thing soon, sweetheart.” 

Still annoyed, Charlie stood, crossing her arms. “I’m mad at you, you know.” JJ held back a small laugh as he stood, nodding seriously. “I know. Think you can fake being in love for the engagement party?” He teased. Charlie rolled her eyes and tossed him the keys. “I still love you. I’m just mad.” JJ smiled and got in the car with her, kissing her cheek. “Good. Love you too, Walker.” 

_

After the majority of her family left, Charlie dragged JJ upstairs by the hand to her room. She instantly flopped back onto the bed, kicking off her heels. “We survived!” She teased, tugged on his hand to pull him down next to her. “Do you think they liked me?” JJ asked, taking a tentative seat on the edge of the bed next to her. 

At that moment her dad Mike walked past, pushing the door open. “They’ll like you better if you keep the door open, son.” Charlie rolled her eyes, turning her head to glance at him. “Dad. Might I remind you we’re 24? And engaged?” Mike just laughed. “And you’re under my roof, and JJ’s staying in the guest room tonight. Again.” JJ nodded quickly, running his hand through his hair. “Yes, sir.” Mike grinned, walking away. “Night, you two!” He called over his shoulder. 

“Good night!” Charlie called back, then sat up to shut the door. JJ pushed her back down, grinning. “Did you not hear his rules?” Charlie smirked, lowering her voice. “I didn’t know you were into the idea of getting caught.” JJ laughed and stood, hands raised in surrender. “That’s it, I’m going to the guest room.” 

“No, stay!” Charlie reached out, hooking her finger in his belt loop, and tugged. “You’re trouble, Walker.” He teased, but fell forward onto her anyway. She grinned, wrapping her arms around his waist and hugging him tight. “Yeah, yeah, but you love trouble. Anyway, I think - no, I know that they loved you. They’ve all met you before, too, so it’s not like you had to make a grand first impression.” 

He shifted to be on his side, facing her, and propped his head up on his elbow. “Yeah, but this was an extra big deal. First impression as your fiance.” Charlie nodded and kissed him, sound. “You did just fine, hon. I think my grandma would marry you herself if she was younger.” He laughed, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “She was not happy about the last name deal. Mrs. Maybank.” He teased. 

Charlie rolled her eyes. “It’s a totally antiquated belief, and I’m working -” 

“Incredibly hard for your degrees, including your PhD, I know, I know.” JJ cut her off, finishing the speech he had heard quite a few times. “Just teasing you, Char.” She smiled, pleased. “Good.” JJ paused, like he was going to say something, then just sighed. Charlie frowned, picking up on it right away. “What’s up?” 

He ran his hand through his hair, messing it up. “Um. I think I want to go see my dad again before we leave.” 

“JJ…” Charlie sighed. “Why?” 

He shrugged, not meeting her gaze. “Dunno. I’ve barely talked to him in six years.” 

Charlie bit her lip. “There’s a reason for that, J, he’s an asshole.” 

JJ started, then paused. “Well - I mean, yeah, but did you hear him when we left? He wants to come to the wedding? Maybe he’s trying to be better.” 

Charlie frowned. “He’s had six years to try. I don’t know about this.” JJ set his jaw, frustrated. “Well I’m not asking, I’m telling you out of courtesy. And you’re not coming.” She raised her eyebrows. “You’re not going alone.” 

He sat up, crossing his arms. “Yes I am.” 

She did the same. “No, you’re not. I’ll drive you and sit in the car.” 

He swung his legs off the edge of the bed, standing. “Fine.” 

“Fine. Where are you going?” She questioned. 

“I’m going to the guest room.” JJ replied, raising his eyebrows back at her. She rolled her eyes. “J, you don’t have to -” He waved it off, dismissing her. “It’s not because of this, it’s out of respect for your dad.”

Charlie softened, unable to argue with that. “Oh. Okay. Well...goodnight.” JJ offered a small smile and bent down, giving her a short kiss. “Goodnight. Love you, Charlie.” She smiled back, giving in. “Love you too, J.” He gave her a teasing salute as he walked out of the room.

_ 

The next day, they went back to JJ’s house around 6pm. Charlie drove, turning up the radio and humming along softly to their favorite songs, trying to ease JJ’s tension. As they pulled up on the drive, Charlie frowned seeing some broken glass bottles scattered around the yard. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go in?” JJ nodded firmly. “Stay here. Please. He won’t do anything.” Charlie bit her lip, nodding back. “Don’t be too long.” He gave a small, tense smile and a short kiss. “I’ll be okay, sweetheart.” 

With that he got out, adjusting his hat as he walked up to the porch. The scene was all too familiar - empty beer cans scattered across the table, a medicine bottle with some pills strewn out on the glass. JJ nudged open the door and sighed when he saw Luke passed out on the couch, hand curled around an empty glass bottle that was cradled to his chest. 

“God damnit, Dad.” He said aloud, kicking one of the beer cans across the floor. Luke stirred, stretching as he woke up. JJ cursed under his breath, not sure if he wanted him to wake or not. Luke cracked one eye open, shooting at glare at his son. “The fuck are you back here for?” 

JJ flipped his hat backward, running his hand through his hair as he went. “You asked me to come back.” Luke scoffed. “Don’t know why I would have done that.” He leaned over, popping a cap off another beer and took a swig. “Your girl didn’t want to come back?” JJ shook his head, willing himself to not glance at her car outside. “I didn’t want her to have to see this piece of shit place again.” Luke sat up, gesturing at him with the beer bottle. “You should be grateful for this piece of shit, I raised you in it.” 

JJ crossed his arms, jaw set. “Saying you raised me is an overstatement.” 

“You gonna use some of that Walker family money to pay me back, then?” Luke stared him down from the couch. JJ scoffed. “Stolen bread and peanut butter from the store didn’t cost you shit, Dad.” 

Luke stood, swaying a little, and met him at eye level as he took another long drink. “You think the fucking utilities were free, boy? The running water? The A/C?” JJ stood his ground, his fists curling. “We had that maybe half the year, and a fucking box fan in the middle of the summer doesn’t do shit.” 

Luke shook his head. “Still cost money. You’re lucky I even gave you a place to stay.” He knocked back the rest of the beer and twirled the bottle in his hand. “Not sure how you even convinced that girl to stick around for long.” He grinned. “Just watch, she’ll leave too. They always do.” JJ swallowed, white-knuckled, but kept his fists by his side. “Fuck off, Dad, she loves me.” 

The corner of Luke’s lips curled into a sly smile. “Just like your mother loved you and then left in the middle of the night, first chance she got?” 

JJ took a deep breath to steady himself. If he was younger, his fist would have slammed into his dad’s cheek three insults ago - but he reminded himself he was better than that, too old to resort to injury. “She left because of you. We both know that.” 

Luke shook his head. “We got the same blood, boy. What runs in me runs in you.” 

“I’ll be a better husband and father than you ever were.” JJ shot back, chest puffed up and shoulders tall. 

Luke smirked. “That’s what I told my dad too, kid. Now look. Full fuckin’ circle.” 

JJ huffed in frustration, flipping his cap forward again and tugging down hard on the bill. “Fuck you.” 

Charlie had been sitting in the car long enough, anxious, and got out of the car, against her better judgment. Quietly, she walked up to the house, frowning as she heard unrecognizable yelling - from Luke or JJ, she wasn’t sure. Inside, JJ and Luke kept going, flinging insults at each other, the tension rising as they got in each other’s face. Charlie pushed open the screen door, staying quiet - but the hinges creaked at just the wrong moment. 

Luke hurled the glass bottle at the wall just behind Charlie’s head, making it shatter everywhere. She screamed, cowering, and JJ fisted the front of Luke’s shirt in his hand instantly. “What the fuck, Dad, she did nothing!” He roared, shoving him backward hard enough to land him on the floor. 

He ran over to Charlie, who had a small trickle of blood trailing down her cheek from a shard of broken glass. “Fuck, Charlie, are you okay?” She nodded quickly in response, eyes wide, a little stunned. JJ scooped her up into his arms and carried her out of the house hurriedly, not taking a second look back. He set her in the passenger seat, then looked around worriedly. “Keys, Charlie, I need the keys.” She bit down on her lip, hard, gesturing toward the porch. “Keys, Charlie.” He repeated, looking her over with concern. 

“Dropped them. On the porch.” She got out, gingerly touching her fingers to her cheek. JJ cursed under his breath, nodding, and shut the door quickly. He jogged back up to the porch, glancing inside for a split second to see his dad still lying there on the floor. He hesitated just long enough to see his dad stir, no blood in sight, and grabbed the keys and ran back to the car. 

His hands were shaking as he jammed the keys in the ignition, starting it up and driving away quickly. “Fuck, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. God - did he hurt you? Did it hit you?” He asked rapidly, glancing over at her. Charlie shook her head, pressing the heel of her hand to her cheek. “No. Um, just a small nick.” She paused before speaking again, her voice shaky. “I’m sorry, J.” 

“What?! No, no, why are you sorry?” He reached over and took her free hand, pressing the back to his lips. 

“You said not to come in, and I got scared, I thought he was hurting you.” She frowned, her voice small. “I can’t believe he talked to you like that.”  

JJ sighed, softly. “That was hardly anything, honestly.” He bit the inside of his cheek as he drove back to her parent’s house, trying to focus more on her than the thoughts running through his head. Charlie blinked hard, trying not to let any tears fall. “That was harsh, J.” He gave her a sad smile. “Been through worse, sweetheart.” He pulled into her driveway, thankful her parents were out for the night.  

They made it up the stairs and into her room, quiet, both not wanting to be the first to speak. “You’re sure the bottle didn’t hit your head?” JJ asked as he sat next to her on the bed, gently running his thumb over the small nick across her cheek. Charlie had her knees drawn up to her chest, closed off. “I’m sure.” He nodded, but kept a worried frown. 

“I’m proud of you, J.” She murmured, taking his hand. He raised his eyebrows, confused. “For what?” She gave him a small smile, for the first time since leaving the house. “You stood up for yourself.” He shrugged, keeping his eyes trained on the comforter. “Yeah, well. Thanks.” 

Charlie frowned and moved closer, pulling him into a tight hug. “You don’t have to see him again, JJ.” 

“I just -” JJ’s face crumpled and his voice cracked. “I don’t know why he’s not proud of me.” Charlie held him tighter. “JJ…” He pulled her into his lap to hold her closer, then buried his face against her shoulder. “I graduated high school, and college, and I got out of the Outer Banks on my own, I…” he faltered, letting out a single sob. “I don’t know what else he wants from me, Charlie. Am I not good enough?” 

“Oh, hon.” Charlie murmured. She nudged his chin up so he could meet her gaze. “You’re more than good enough, J. You’ve done all those things, but more importantly, you’re the best damn person I could ask for.” JJ pressed his forehead to hers, listening. “But I’m a mess.” 

She shook her head. “No, you’re not. You’re responsible with your job, and hard-working and creative. You notice all the little things and you’re kind to just about everyone you meet.” He ducked his head away in embarrassment, not used to the praise. “Charlie.” 

She continued, giving him a smile. “I can’t wait to be married to you and show you off even more, JJ. I’m so fucking proud of you.” He lifted his head and kissed her, hard. “I love you.” 

“And how lucky am I to experience your love?” Charlie told him, nudging her nose against his. She caught his lips in a gentle kiss, threading her fingers through his hair. “Stop, you’re going to make me cry.” JJ told her with a small laugh, tears welling up in his eyes again. Charlie kissed him again. “Love you always, J, don’t forget it.” He nodded, kissing her back. “Love you always.” 

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

okay i’m going to go off about celebs again…. but like…. does anyone remember the gross asf vitriol that went around in 2011-2013 about justin bieber where the joke was “more like justINE bieber am i right??? 😂😂😅😅” from the “haters” of him. i, myself, actually joined in on this; considering that i thought that liking all the emo shit i was into made me “more mature than belibers” or some other absolutely batshit backwards bullshit that i would’ve spat out at the time to sound “edgy” and “NoT LiKe OtHeR GiRlS 👩🏻‍🎤👩🏻‍🎤”….. when in my group at catholic school, i had two girls in my group that were belibers themselves lol. i honestly made zilch sense.

but like to rest on this a bit, what the actual fuck was up with this joke???? why the fuck did the whole world just gang up on this teenage boy, who through no fault of his own, was still going through puberty…. so of course his voice was still going to be high??? and then the weird fucking speculation some fucking gross ass literal grown up adult people had back then of “when do you/we think his balls are going drop, so that we wont be call to be able to call him justine bieber anymore 😅😭??? just let us have our fun??!!” like what the FUCK??? why did everyone think that this was their business??? it wasn’t his fault in a sense that he stumbled into usher and got signed.

like….. no wonder justin’s had several breakdowns over the years. i would too. because how the fuck would you deal with this???? people just throwing out so casually this horrible fucking vitriol that they think you’re a girl OR think that you should get a sex change because it’s obviously a lie that he’s a boy/man OR think that you’re not “just a butch lesbian disguised as a 16yo boy” (these were legit other arguments at the time). like he was a KID for fucks sake. who the fuck asks to go through puberty in the fucking spotlight???? fucking N O O N E thats fucking who. like obviously he’s had a myriad of meltdowns and bad publicity over the years since. but this bullshit would’ve been so fucking horrible to take during the shitty years of puberty and high school to boot. obviously, in the years since, he’s done roast battles with jokes about this, so it’s good that he was able deal with it and joke about it, albeit eventually.

but i would’ve absolutely fucking hated to have all my pubescent behaviour and changes being fucking aired and speculated on in public view, for completely random people, famous or not, to comment on and make fun of. like i’ve talked before about the trouble i had with my period in my teens. i would’ve LOATHED to have that shit aired as it happened, on a red carpet for example. or as im accepting an award or just let alone performing at a show. just mid speech or mid performance. i would’ve bled (leaked) onto an expensive costume or provided expensive designer dress (or my own clothes/outfit) because my flow for a particular month/week was uber heavy. or god forbid, i wouldve thrown up mid-press-junket-interview on air or almost fucking passed out as well, depending on how my cycle/ovaries/hormones were feeling during a particular month/week.

like this is besides my point in a sense, but still. i would’ve had this aired and speculated on if i’d been catapulted to fame at the same time as bieber (and keep in mind, he is literally only a year older than me). but my period struggles would have been spun as “are you SURE this GIRL isn’t a BOY who knows nothing about period products??? does she know ANYTHING about pads & tampons so she WON’T bleed onto her dress or the like??? what a lazy, disgusting “girl”!” or “does she KNOW just how WEAK she is for NOT controlling her period pain??? how dare she pass out mid-show??? does she know she’s FAKING IT??? what a weak person, just GET UP and PERFORM, MONKEY because PERIODS ARENT THAT BAD!!! just think like a MAN and your period pain will go away!” or some other bizarre speculative bullshit that has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

when unbeknownst to anyone, i would’ve had about 5 advil tablets to both deal with my utterly unbearable period pain and unfathomably blinding and mind-numbing hormonal period headache, right before the said event or interview or whatever the fuck celeb duty i was carrying out. i would’ve had heat pads on, i would have been dizzy when arriving to and leaving from sets, etc etc etc. and finally, i would’ve been incredibly tired during all of this…… because of how much my periods fucked me around as a teen, to the point that some nights i couldn’t even fucking sleep properly. or the only reprieve i would get from the pain would be the aforementioned 5 advil tablets and an all day nap. on top of all this, i probably would’ve had to BEG (all because video call interviews weren’t particularly popular back then) for some like video call interview type thing from my bedroom or home studio or whatever, just to avoid going into an actual studio & set so i could just lay in bed or sit somewhere comfortable for the whole interview. and again etc etc etc because of all the other problems i had with my periods in my teens til my early fucking 20s, that i’ve mentioned several times on/in various posts on this hellsite over the years.

and the same goes for female stars like sasha pieterse from PLL when she opened up about her struggle with PCOS, and halsey with sharing her struggle with endometriosis. i would’ve hated to go through those medical conditions in the spotlight. i feel for them. it’s also the same thing with boobs: where the most famous example in recent years is ariel winter from modern family….. with how she needed a breast reduction because her boobs were giving her back problems and stuff, because she was like an F cup or something. and she also hated the creepy ass comments she was getting from gross dudes about how nice her boobs were or whatever the fuck, even while she was still a teen on the show.

anyway. back to bieber. i only say this because literally like last year or in 2019, the bieber joke appeared in my feed again in the first time in YEARS and i ended up tagging one of my old catholic school friends like “how the fuck do people still think this is funny?? it’s so 2011. and come to think of it, it was never funny in the first place anyway”. like both the media and the public had absolutely no right to speculate this shit and invade a young teen boy’s privacy like this??? it was so fucked up. idk why i didn’t make a post about it at the time…. but it also came into my mind just now because i commented on a post about justin bieber the other night about how he’s had fans stalk him to his nyc apartment again. like when the actual fuck will people fucking learn to let celebs have their goddamned privacy lmao.

[random-imagines-blog]

Over {Thorin Oakenshield x Reader Oneshot}

Requested by: @queenofmankind​ Wordcount: 2492 Summary: The dwarves have been debating an important issue for a few months now. What happens when you offer a solution that impresses a certain King?

The meetings of dwarves were always long and full of tension. Arguments always erupted between Thorin Oakenshield, and Dain, and there were some problems that even Fili, and Balin having trouble solving. You  had been thinking about the solution to the main problem that they have been addressing, but it was not your place to offer. You were just here as a secretary, on top of being both a human and a woman, both of whom never sat in these discussions. It was only because Thorin had vouched for you that you were here at all. It was a little terrifying, knowing how precarious your situation was and how you could be ejected from the dwarves at any time. You had been helpful during the battle of the five armies, suggesting strategy to Bard who then passed it on to Thorin and Thranduil, which helped to win the mountain back. This place was like a home to you now - and the dwarves like family.

The main problem was the injured and how to take care of them. There was more than enough wealth to go around and the dwarves who had suffered in the wars were well compensated - but at the same time, they were arguing that they didn’t want to just hang around in bed doing nothing. It was not the dwarven way to be lazy. But all of the reconstruction jobs have already been given to the more able-bodied, and they weren’t about to be putting them out of work to give into the needs of the few. It was a difficult dilemma, and though a few things have been suggested, they’ve either been vetoed or tried for a day and then shut down.

You had written down all that had been said that night, and the meeting was coming to a close, when a solution popped into your head. You looked around the room, hoping that there may be a lull in which you could say it. But the arguments gained in escalation, with Thorin saying that he was not going to remove his dwarves from their task because he is the King Under the Mountain and he makes those decisions, while Dain was defending his own who were hurt from the battle that Thorin had started.

“Oh, hello!” Balin said, standing tall. Or as tall as he could on his own. You hadn’t noticed that he had been watching you, but he had been keeping a particularly close eye. He had seen something go across your face. An idea, perhaps. Anything to stop these two from arguing. “I think that y/n has an idea, and I think that we should listen to her!”

“Ay, why should we listen to her human ideas? She knows nothing about the affairs of dwarves!” Dain complained, just as he had when you had first started joining these meetings.

“And neither did a hobbit, and look at where Bilbo brought us,” Thorin interjected on your behalf. He looked at you with his wise blue eyes, and gave you a nod to say what was on your mind. Dain crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, not interested in learning, while the others looked at you with excitement. It would be the first time you would be speaking at one of these meetings; and Kili and Fili did notice that it was Thorin encouraging you. That would come up later.

You cleared your throat as you realized that all of the attention was on you. “I - I was just thinking, I don’t have a thorough solution or anything...”

“Sometimes a thought can change the world,” Balin encouraged, leaning forward with a smile on his old features. He was being very kind and welcoming, and it pushed you to go ahead and say your idea.

“Well, dwarves aren’t the only ones working on piecing their land back together,” You said outloud, focusing your eyes on Thorin although it was his opinion that you were the most afraid of. If he dismissed you outright, it would hurt like mad. “Laketown and the surrounding area were destroyed by Smaug. And yes, they have the gold to repair it and make it grander than before, but they don’t have the men. Or the materials.”

“Yes, we’ve heard the complaints,” Dain interrupted. Dwalin shushed him loudly, but he continued. “Are you sayin’ that we should go and do the work for the humans?”

“That’s ... not exactly it,” You said, the wheels in your mind turning. This was your chance to be taken seriously and you were going to seize it. “I know that the injured are healing but some have ... disabilities. We can’t expect them to do the careful work of the healthy, working with forges and the like. They could hurt themselves, or others that way. But they are still more than capable of doing other work if they stop being so ... stubborn.”

“Ye think we’re being stubborn now, just you wait til I tell em about this-” Dain said, but was shushed once more. This time he seemed to listen.

“A trading post,” You said, just as the words popped into your head. “They still have control of the lake, which means that you would need their permission in order to get fish. And other food, because it’s not as if dwarves can live off of eating rocks ... can you?”

You looked over to one of the dwarves who was closest to you, Nori. He shook his head. “I didn’t think so,” You continued with a little laugh, which Fili and Kili joined in on. “So they might not be able to handle a hammer and anvil, but surely they can work a boat or carts, set their own hours, make their own pay? That’s part of the problem, isn’t it? They feel like charity because you’re just giving them gold without them really earning it? At least, that would offend me partly. I can’t speak for dwarves, obviously.”

“It is something that we will think on,” Thorin grunted. At least he didn’t outright dismiss you, which was more than you bargained for. “Meeting is over - we’ll talk about it next month.”

The dwarves bundled up their things, with Dain doing the most since he was going the farthest. He gave you a look that was most queer. You couldn’t read it, you couldn’t tell if it was a good look or a bad look. Before you could determine that, he looked away, and took off to head back to his own home, leaving you with your own company of dwarves for a little better.

“That’s clever, actually,” Fili said, turning up on one side of you, while his brother was on the other. They were who you would say you were closest to within the company.

“Didn’t think you had it in you, honestly,” Kili piped up.

“If you’re still trying to impress uncle, you’re doing a good job.”

“Hush,” You said quickly, clapping your hand over the prince’s mouth before he could say much more. You looked over your shoulder to see if Thorin had heard, but he didn’t appear to. He was talking with Balin rather animatedly.

That was another reason why you were the closest with them. Because, unfortunately, they had caught the looks that you had been giving the King. After that, it seemed like a better idea to be on their good side than on their bad. They might tell and poof, your position goes away because of a simple case of...

It was love, wasn’t it?

It had gone beyond the crush that you had when you first saw the blue eyes peeking out from behind the mounds of hair. Now you understood why so many of the people around him loved him. Why every one of these dwarves would have died for him. It was not only the cause that was great, but the dwarf behind them.

“‘Ello Uncle, good meeting today, wasn’t it?” Kili said, making you release Fili quickly and look towards the King. You smiled nervously, awaiting the verdict.

“I’d like to talk to y/n, alone,” He grunted, looking at his nephews. They looked at each other, and sheepishly smiled.

“Just like to say that was a very Queen-ly idea,” Kili stated, then bowed out of the room.

“I’d give her a promotion if I were you,” Fili said, leaving as well. You chuckled nervously at their attempts to win your favor with Thorin, but largely, you were worried that it would only have the opposite effect.

“Okay, now that the meeting is over, I’d like to apologize,” You said before he could tear into you for speaking out of turn.

“For what?” Thorin asked. You bit the inside of your cheek, expecting a reaction but not a question.

“I know that my position here is just to record the meetings, and not to give ideas. I wouldn’t have said anything if I hadn’t been asked by Balin. I don’t have the experience to suggest such things, it was just something that came into my head.”

“You’re  not confident in your own ideas,” Thorin observed, stroking his beard with his rough fingers. He sat back down at the table and kicked out a chair for you to join him, across from him. Hesitantly, you took the seat. “I was going to ask you if you have anymore. I’m going to tell Dain to suggest the idea to the dwarves. Let them decide their fate.”

“You are?”

Thorin nodded in response. He wasn’t a man of many words, more so a man of displeased sounds, so the fact that he was talking to you now was a big deal. “There’s been some other issues that have been bothering me. I’d like your input.”

“Oh, well, why didn’t you bring any of them up when the meeting was going on?” You asked, looking at your papers. The only real issue on the docket was the one that you might have resolved.

“I like to have solutions before the problems are brought up,” Thorin said. You nodded, supposing that made sense, and listened to him as he unloaded what was on his mind.

-

Bombur found the both of you two hours later, still talking in the room. He brought you guys dinner - some rabbit stew that was made. Fili and Kili found you two an hour after that, still in the room. This time you were taking down notes, and doing most of the talking while Thorin was listening. After that, the two of you were left alone because everyone else had retired to their bedrooms.

Thorin kept his eyes on you as you talked. You had a lot of motion inside of you. You drew things to explain your point, you waved your arms around, it was like you were putting on a one-woman show. You displayed passion, much like the way that Thorin had when he had set out to reclaim the mountain. And he was struck by how intelligent you were. All of your ideas seemed more than feasible.

You had ideas about how to solve the food shortage, how to better farm the area, and even how some of the disabled dwarves could help with both of those things. Thorin didn’t say much, only brought up a couple of questions which you explained.

It was only when you finally started to show signs of exhaustion that he stopped you from going on. He held up a hand when he asked if you had any other questions, then got to his feet. “You’ve worked hard enough for tonight, lass,” He said. “I have more than enough to bring to the council. And they will listen to their King.”

“Oh, of course, you’re right,” You said, remembering that it would be him who would be presenting your ideas, rather than yourself. Thorin, though rather clueless at times about what other people are thinking, saw a doubt rush across your face.

“So I will back your ideas, and make sure that you are heard.” Thorin finished. He liked seeing the excited look come back into your eyes, and the smile of triumph. “It is late - I will walk you to your room.”

“Thank you,” You said. The lantern was sitting on the table, the wick of the candle inside beginning to wane. You both reached for it at the same time, and your fingertips touched on top of the handle. You were the one to pull away after a couple of prolonged seconds, and Thorin just grabbed hold of it. It was difficult to pretend that he did not just feel a spark that sent his heart alight.

Queenly idea, Kili had said? Perhaps that was so. You had all of the makings of a great leader, and you were just beginning to make it known. An excellent choice, despite the fact that you were a human while he was a dwarf. “I pronounce this meeting to be over.”

Over. No more time with you tonight, but it must be done. There was work to do tomorrow, but perhaps, just maybe, he might be able to see you tomorrow.

He lead the way through the confusing halls of the inside of the mountain, before stopping outside of the room that has been claimed as yours. It was one of the bigger ones - as a lady, all of the male dwarves thought you should have it. He stopped outside of the door and turned to face you for the last time that night.

“Goodnight-” You started, but at the same time-

“Y/N,” Thorin had sputtered. You blinked, a little surprised that he was saying your name.

“Yes?” You questioned, looking up at him with your beautiful eyes.

“Would you care to join me for dinner tomorrow night, so we can discuss this more?” Never had he been so nervous to ask a question. He wondered how Kili ever talked to Tauriel without feeling the winged things in his stomach.

“Yes, I think that would be wonderful,” You said with a smile. “Until the day is over then?”

“Until the day is over. Goodnight.”

Thorin waited until you were safe inside your bedroom, with the door closed, before he went down the hallways to his own quarters. Sleep seemed a waste of time to him throughout most of his life, since he had so much to live up to. But now, he was looking forward to it. The sooner he fell asleep, the sooner he would be awake, and the sooner that dinner would come around and he could listen to you talk until the meeting was over.

[claraxbarton]

MCU Bucky Barnes

So here’s the thing.

I’m a costume designer by trade, and one thing that I actually really love about Captain America: The Winter Soldier (okay, among the things I love) is the costume design and the rhetorical value given to the clothes and, well, costumes in this movie. 

For example - when Sam and Steve have their heart to heart on the bridge that ends with Sam saying “but he doesn’t even know you” and Steve saying “he will” before going to steal his old uniform - the one Bucky last saw him in when he was Bucky. There are some other great costume points in this movie, actually a LOT of them (costumes, not wigs, don’t at me because I KNOW).

But one thing that has always stood out to me, and not in a good way, is the “I’m with you til the end of the line” flashback.

Now, here’s the thing, it’s not JUST about the clothes. We’re in MCU verse, so it’s MCU canon - obviously, the Steve and Bucky duo is drastically different in Marvel comics canon so - and Bucky starts this scene by saying his folks wanted to give Steve a ride to the cemetery.

Which is super cool and nice. So one, we know Bucky’s dad is still alive - and his mom, but two, we know they have a car.

So this is supposed to be when Steve is around 16? So it’s... 1936 (according to MCU wiki it totally is)

So cars.

Crazy popular ever since they started having closed bodies and all that. BUT, were they crazy popular in CITIES in 1936? Especially in the middle of the Great Depression?

There’s some evidence that actually no, that car ownership in a city like NYC was something like 1 car per every 43 people. Then again, looking at the NYC.gov 2015 Mobility Report we see that the population of NYC in 1936 is something like 7.2 million, and the number of registered vehicles in 764,000... or roughly one per every 9.4-ish persons. Which is a pretty drastically different number. This doesn't, of course, account for taxis or fleet cars being registered - so the number might seem inflated. I still think it’s probably something closer to 1 car per every 20 than every 43 but... I’m too lazy to dig that much deeper at the moment. Plus I'm sick, which is fueling this in the first place.

So, anyway you slice it, Bucky’s family was in 11%, 5% or 2.33% of New Yorkers who own cars in 1936. Which says something, I think, about Bucky Barnes that we don’t always - ever? - think of in fandom.

I’m not going to say that Bucky Barnes was loaded. Maybe his family owned a garage or a grocery store or a delivery service or a funeral home...?? or something. So, the vehicle could be occupational as opposed to private usage - but either way it’s a statement. Bucky’s family has money and/or Bucky’s family has steady employment.

I’ve been there. I’ve read the fics where Bucky works at the docks to put Steve through art school and get him his medicine. I love those fics. I love that head canon.

But I... don’t think it’s realistic in light of some evidence showing us that, actually, Bucky wasn’t doing too badly for himself.

Let’s now actually look at CLOTHING. Here’s the whole scene via youtube, if you want to follow along with what is about to get RIDICULOUS.

Actually, before I dive in, who is the costumer for this movie? And should I be like... reading into all this as much as I am?

Judianna Makovsky - fellow New Jersey..Ian?ite?no clue - 3 time Oscar nominee and designer of 5 MCU films and a lot of other big budget movies, including quite a few period pieces dealing with issues of race and class (The Legend of Bagger Vance, Seabiscuit, The Little Princess.. and also like Harry Potter and The Quick and the The Dead.) So, should I have some faith in Judianna Makovsky’s designs? I’m gonna go with yeah, yeah I should. 

So, back to the movie. The scene.

This is post funeral. We’re in 1936. As a general rule, the dress, colors and style of mourning wear was pretty much formalized in the early Victorian era. There was a great - read PHENOMENAL - exhibit at the MET a few years back on Mourning-wear and I’m still reeling from how lovely everything was - but the gist of it is this: you wore black when someone died. If you were a lady, and especially if you were a rich lady, you then went through a few different colors (dull black to SHINY black to purple/mauve and gray and white and then back to color within six months to one year). By the 1930s only the really rich were sticking to the actual rules of mourning - or like, really old people. And, of course, really old rich people. Really old rich WHITE people. Because it needs to be said: these are WHITE customs. I'm not saying people of other ethnicities didn’t follow them, but these are basically British Victorian practices that were assimilated into American culture.

I’m not going to go off on a huge sidebar about American fashion following in French dressmaking and British tailoring, but I need to say at least that much. Everyone who was anyone knew you got your dresses made in France or in the French style and you got your suits made in England - Savile Row in specific. I am NOT implying Bucky’s got himself an English suit, fyi. I just... have to be thorough.

BACK TO THE SCENE:

We’ve got our boy Steve. STEVE. Who just buried Sarah Rogers and what is he wearing...?

For starters, he’s wearing a windbreaker, check out the 1933 ad below, he’s the guy almost giving us the Fonz finger gesture, or maybe guy in the fedora on the end.

This thing isn’t falling apart at the seams, but it’s a very nondescript not really gray, not really blue - maybe was at one point. It also doesn’t FIT Steve. It also, in the ad above, would cost about $165.40 in today’s money.

My guess? It’s Bucky’s old windbreaker. Because it’s not cheap and because it’s just a bit too big on Steve. 

He’s also wearing a shirt that is maybe tan? And a brown tie and maybe - MAYBE black trousers. And if those trousers are black, it’s the only black thing he’s wearing. Not even a black tie, or a black arm band (which I’m pretty sure - but also pretty aggressively atheist so I don’t know - the Catholic Church would have provided for chief mourners and pall bearers right?). We also have our depressing as all shit Depression surroundings to clue us in: Steve Rogers ain’t loaded. Steve Rogers is poor as dirt. Side note: boys. Hiding a key under the ONE FUCKING BRICK on a walkway is not like... a smart idea???

So we can guess a few things here, we can guess that Steve and Sarah were really struggling - this checks out with the rest of MCU canon (wearing newspapers stuffed in his shoes, even when he had nothing he had Bucky, etc.) - and that all money probably went towards Steve’s numerous ailments, food and then the TB medication or treatment, as it was, that was available to Sarah.

We can maybe guess that Steve and Sarah weren’t very religious -but I don’t feel qualified to impart anything except my own agenda here so I’m not taking that stance. But like, real talk, not even an arm band?? 

But, well, let’s move on to the point of this whole long ass thing anyway?

--

Then we go to Mr. Barnes, looking dapper AF. Also, hey, check out this ad from 1933 featuring... pretty much exactly what Bucky is wearing down to the god-damn two-tone shoes:

If you’re curious, yeah $24.98 in 1936 is $475.44. I'm not suggesting Bucky Barnes went out and bought a brand new suit for Steve’s mother’s funeral - for one thing, this ad is from 1933. BUT, that suit fits Bucky. Quite well, and it’s in good shape. He’s also sporting that super stylish mid-late 30s into 40s deeply angled collar shirt - as is our dude up in the ad - and so we know these clothes are at least new-ish. We also can see that the suit is definitely of the mid-30s moving into the boxy silhouette of the later 30s and early 40s and NOT the look of the 20s and early 30s, which has an almost bell-bottom fullness to the legs instead of our straight-leg here (though we can debate nuance if you want to hit up my DMs.)

I should note, Bucky’s shirt is not bright and pristine white - it’s kind of grayish? And I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be an old-timey sepia thing or an indication that Bucky can’t afford to... bleach a white shirt? So that’s an odd choice for sure because we’re still in an age when a crisp, white collar shirt means something (Hey, if you want to hear me go on about the democratization of men’s fashion via shirt collars and 19th century Victorian suits, let me know because I am READY).

All this is to say: I don’t think Bucky Barnes is a poor dock worker. I think Bucky Barnes of MCU canon. Okay, so the MCU wiki on Bucky/The Winter Soldier is an actual mess (because it tells us that Sarah died in 1936 and that’s FINE but I’m not going back to change my math because I’m SICK so just... I went back and changed it. She died in 1936. Fine. The damn wiki also says that “a year later, during their art class, Barnes and Rogers found out that the United States of America had joined World War II. Which, like, I’m sick, but there are a few years between 1936 and December 8 1941... just... I’m no rocket doctor but...

ANYWAY. Bucky is a three time YMCA welterweight boxing champion by this “year later”/ 1941-1942. He and Steve are also in an ART CLASS together. Bucky also trained Steve in boxing at Goldie’s gym before the two of them went to enlist - Steve rejected and Bucky, again quoting MCU wiki, “drafted” (which I'm gonna take to mean he didn’t try to enlist when Steve got rejected, they went home and Bucky got called up later but... hey, who knows?!).

So, I can’t easily find the prices of gym memberships in NYC in the 1930s right now because I don’t feel like wading through all of the articles complaining about Equinox pricing in 2019. But I do know that part of Roosevelt’s WPA (Works Progress Administration) building projects included building more public gyms - as well as libraries, auditoriums, pools, parks etc. Check out your local public buildings - if they are WPA projects they will have a cool plaque like my local NJ library does! All that is to say, there were free or very cheap PUBLIC options where Bucky could have trained Steve.

Bucky trained Steve in a private gym. Do I like to think that this is the same gym Steve and America’s ass are working out in in The Avengers? Yes, Yes I do. Do I like to think that Steve likes to box because it reminds him of Bucky? Yes, yes I do.

But moving on: it’s another sign of wealth.

So is this “art class.” Whether we are in 1937 or 1941 - we’re still in the Depression. Steve still has all of his health issues and presumably accompanying “medication” (wanna talk 1930s medicine? Again, slide into my DMs or shoot me an ask). So Steve either has a side job making enough to cover all of that, rent? and enrollment in an art class.

OR maybe Steve is teaching the art class and Bucky is his model for life drawing instruction (yeah, it’s a fic bunny I’m sharing with the world).

OR maybe... Bucky is paying the rent and other things or Steve is living with Bucky and can afford the class and meds... somehow or...

OR I'm not saying that Steve is Bucky’s kept man because Steve Rogers would punch anyone who dared to say such a thing.

All I’m saying is, Bucky Barnes was not a poor dude. Bucky Barnes... had some money.

And also I’m about to be late for my doctor’s appointment so I gotta run.

At me with your thoughts!

[tfw-no-tennis]

h.x.h.

back after a long hiatus of being too lazy to tag/edit this post...hxh eps 33-34

2 months have already passed! ok then!

gon is such a good boy

i just gotta say....i love zushi. hes so cute. also im pretty confident hes not gonna turn out to be secretly evil or anything. Hes Baby 

ah, so many nen....words. seriously are we gonna b quizzed on this or st

oh god these rancid bitches again 

‘this is why nobody likes you’ vhbakjdshfbajksf we can always rely on killua to roast fools 

POOR ZUSHI LMAO dont worry its not your fault that gon and killua are Anime Protags who are speedrunning a training arc rn

OH FUCK NO LEAVE ZUSHI ALONE YOU CRUST MOTHERFUCKERS

oh thank god killua is here to fuck them up

wow im shocked killua is like, bargaining w/them, rather than just kicking their asses....i guess these guys probably know more nen stuff that killua but STILL, i feel like the crazy assassin shit killua can do would more than cover him 

N O LEAVE GON OLONE

the guy w/the weird eyes looks like hes wearing bootleg kurta robes and its throwing me off

aww so killua is trying his v best not to murder people...i support you my boy. even tho seeing killua obliterate dumb adults is like, the best part of the show

killua out here wearing a gay ass hat

OH BOY. ZOLDYCK THEME AND SCARY EYES....killuas fuckin PISSED 

killua is such a smart boi 

ah, nen stuff

gon angy 

hmmm is killua gonna do something?

OH HE SURE IS. SOMETHING WITH A KNIFE

HELL YEAH FUCK HIS SHIT UP KILLUAAAAA

oh he didnt actually stab him. how did that work. whatever still baller

i love angry scary assassin killua. epic 12 yr old murder moments 

LOVE the anticlimax there

rancid guy #1: that gay kid was scary im gonna leave forever and you should too byeee

these guys are morons lmao they rlly just heard all that and were like weellllll whatever lets fuck it up anyways 

YESSS KILLUA IS HERE TO FUCK THEM UP

maybe THIS time theyll listen to killua

im glad we’re not seeing a whole lot of their actual training, cause i feel like we’re still seeing plenty, and we’ve had a lot of nen info thrown at us lmao 

THE FISHING ROD RETURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so happy abt that omgggg i fuckgin love it. i wish that was gon’s Signature Weapon but from what i can tell he doesnt use it much later on :( 

im sorry but all this talk of ‘the tops’ is still so funny help

i wish they put this tops guy’s VA on one of those spinny carousel things at a playground to record his lines, for maximum realism

NO WAY GON MISSED..my boy does NOT miss w/his fishing rod no sir

OH SHIT THERE HE GOOOOOES HELL YEAH 

oh my god i love the absolute disregard for like, physics and shit LMAOOOO 

gon has The Strongest Fishing Rod And Lure Of All Time

YEAHHHH FUCK HIM UP GONNNNN

oh shit blood

damnnnn gon is PISSED. in true shounen anime protag form - do NOT mess w/his friends

ok time for killua to fuck it up

HOW did this guy not Leave after experiencing a slight dose of The Killua previously. fool

love killuas epic flips

KILLUA LOOKS SO BORED BY ALL THIS HBJSDKFNSKF MY BOY

why is killua saying ‘sorry, but im not a normal person’ so funny to me vhbhvjkdfbjaskfd

hes talking about being gay but everybody thinks its cause of the whole assassin thing

killua: lame ass. ive been abused by my family to the point where this shit is laughable. lol byeeeeee

KILLUA IS SUCH A LITTLE BASTARD HBVHDSJKHFSD I LOVE HIM

killua pullin out the baaaaaka 

gon and killua. dating

OH GOD. HISOKA

wheelchair guy Rlly came back to let gon kick his ass too? damn

GON STRONK BOY

gon: i will yeet the FUCKING FLOOR at you

oh god. hisoka leave. just go get arrested for being nasty or st

IS GON GONNA ELECTROCUTE THIS GUY JUST LIKE KILLUA DID LMAO

‘just kidding’ GON DO YOU KNOW, I LOVE YOU, MY SON MY BOY,

he blepped ;_; 

boyfwends...

HISOKA FUCK OFF CHALLENGE 

PLEASE just kill him gon. just do it. end him 

eugh i feel like hisoka fixated on gon rather than killua partially bc he could tell that gon is too nice or w/e to just murder hisoka, unlike killua who probably would

ok looks like next ep starts the gon hisoka fight so ill stop this recap here. seems like the minibosses are out of the way, now gon has to fight the main boss...ive been looking forward to this fight for a loooong time now

til next time!

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

twas tagged by both @parallelmarvel and @tare8chan. i actually cant believe i was hhaha i’m aiming to be the legit writer worthy of this tag game other writers participated in. think u for thanking of meh 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Author Name: smellycinnamonthundahfudge on tumblr, AND JUST IN, I’M petertheparkerpus_mjmonogram ON AO3 YALLLSSSS. I FINALLY CAME THEEERREEE YYAAAYYYYY

Fandom You Write For: predominantly mcu’s spideychelle. (i also wrote tz stuff back then heh). but, i have also written (but not posted) for hiccstrid, got, darejones, simmosa, incredibles 2, and bughead hahaha.

Where You Post: i started on tumblr, so literally all of the works i wanted to share are on here. buuttt, like i said, I JUST GOT AN AO3 ACCOUNT YALLSSS. i’ve posted my first pj fics on there for now, but i havent posted em all yet so i am now beginning the process of importing em. im excited :’’’)))

Most Popular One-Shot: Take Flight (peter & mj’s flight home from the ffh trip, click for a nervous jelly peter hehehe)

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: hhmmm, ok, so i’m not even sure if it classifies as a multi-chapter haha but i think so cus i wrote them as a continuous story in mind haha. i posted the “chapters” separately but i like to imagine it was just one story, Safehouse Sleepovers (consists of Safehouse, Safehouse Singalongs, and Hot chocolate). it’s my only multi-chapter story (not even sure if it classifies as one haha) so de facto most popular one hahaha. oh and it’s essentially a canon compliant post ffh fic bout pj bonding in the parkers’ safehouse hehe. (oh but i guess maybe the newly named airports could also be considered multi-chapter, is 2 chaps enough to call it that? haha so dunno maybe i take back the only mc story thing haha. it’s still the more popular one tho cus airports i wrote before ffh even came out haha)

Favorite Story You Wrote:  oof this is a hard one... ooohhh, i feeelll like i gotta, just gotta go with 5 + 1 gifts and Just Breathe cus they’re just so precious 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 but tbh i luv all of em. just as whole fics, they seem better to me haha

Story You Were Nervous to Post: ALL BRUHHH i mean im just not that confident with my works yet haha. buttt the one i was rlly the most nervous about was Home for the Holidays cus it was my first time writing with an actual person in mind to write it for haha. plus, it was the first fic i wrote after pj month so oof gods was i rusty by the time i wrote it hahaha haaysst. i think it was ok enough tho. plus they said it was good so yay. im just glad i actually did it haha.

How Do You Choose Your Titles: eh just whatevs i feel is catchy and is a good concise nice indicator of the plot heh. hhmm i feel like i usually come up with titles during the brainstorming process for the fic, like before actually writing it or while writing it.

How Many of Your Stories Are:

Complete: if im counting the “chapters” i mentioned earlier as one story each, then probs round 24. i say probs cus there’s some fics i wrote somewhere, where i feel like i finished em but i dont have access to them currently so im not 100 if it’s complete by my standards or nah haha

In-Progress: hhhhmmm im not sure if it’s write to call these in-progress. i’d rather call em unfinished, like i have 16 unfinished stories, or just written out story outlines. im not sure if i should call em in progress cus im not sure if i even still rlly plan to finish em, yknow? haha like they really are genuinely fun interesting n creative story ideas n plans thus far, i feel. but i just- lazy, yknow? haha i have to build up to writing a story for A LOONGG TIME haha

Coming Soon: hehehehe. technically it’s completed already, all i have to do is just make the post on tumblr hehe (as of the moment i wrote this post). im so excited for yalls to read The Bathroom hihihi <333

Upcoming Story You’re Most Excited to Write: oofff im not even sure if im actually gonna wind up writing these buuuut, dancing pj still seems so cute n pure n fun. and also, in addition to the countless other aus my annoying brain came up with on pj month, my brain annoyingly got even more fic ideas rolling around it now:

a moulin rouge au (peter’s the famous singer/dancer known as the spider-man who attracts men and women alike in the famous moulin rouge run by liz toomes with a gallery of other colorful rogues, heroes, villains, and just other sorts of attractive characters based on the comicbooks of old. mj is a young new budding writer looking to gain world experience to write about. she winds up in the moulin rouge, meets the infamous spider-man and gets to know the kind man behind the alluring and mysterious mask. im imagining tom’s lsb, laura’s hollywood, and z’s halloween euphoria ep costume for the aesthetic im going for haha. im still torn on whether to keep the og ending or not hahahaha)

maybe a friends with benefits fic. where it’s not so angsty or full of drama. and genuinely just keeping it cool and chill til they inevitably just decide to actually get together/stay friends. it’s all up in the air and they’ll figure it out when they figure it out.

producers inspired, roommates au. the kdrama did the trope well and it made me want to see it applied to my two dorks 🥺🥺🥺🥺 

lastly, a first time fic for our two dorky virgins hahaha. i kinda like the idea of them planning out their first time to the most minute of details and just the actual process of figuring out what they want to do n stuff haha just seems real cute to me 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Do You Accept Prompts: hahahhaha look, i’m never one to say no ok? i mean, if i just straight up say no, im possibly saying no to potential ideas that are so inspiring i wind up writing it immediately. so yes, i’d like to say im willing to accept prompts. however, there is absolutely no guaranteed follow up and for that i’m sorry. i can just never know how i’ll react to an idea so there ya go. that’s my honest response haha.

im taggin the fic writers ive read over the years that havent been tagged by the ones that tagged me. hold my juice box. @spideymjlove @jediparkers @itsjacobperalta @thatsnicebutimmarried @bookishandbossy @thefudge @galaxy-parker @spideychelle-romanogers @spiders-n @petty-parker  @smalltreenergy @dead-end-street @softboyholland @mamgt @justanotherfangirlpassingthrough @machiavelien @peterjonesparker @blaisezabini @thegreenwomanswalkman @crazy4dragons @dragonydreams @attachedtomybookshelf @haddocksortails @dyannehs @funkytoes @jenni41 @rebelcaptaindaily @starxdust22​ no presh obvi. just thought dis might peak yalls interest. thanks for all that you’ve writtteeennnn 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 🥺🥺🥺🥺 (btw some of yalls might have just written hcs for all i know, i literally dunno anymore, but like i said iz nbd. just also wanted to give my thanks since im not entirely sure i was able to do so before)

[wolf-n-bones]

Stories from the workplace

alright, so I’ve got some story rrriigggghhhtttt out of a soap opera. I have this coworker who is about as empathic as a plastic bag around your face. I’m talking sociopath cause I have compared her actions with the traits and i fits like a glove. She originally worked at our sister location and had worked at our location previously when we were short-staffed. Even then I already gotten weird vibes from her so I was glad i wasn’t a perminent thing. Years go by and she gets into a fight with her manager and the rest of her coworkers there. Boss didn’t want to lose her so hired her at our location. All is fine and dandy for a while but it didn’t stay that way. Our manager got offered a job elsewhere and took it, so we got a new manager. This manager had already been offered the job before but due to complications couldn’t take the job. (She was pregnant and after giving birth had heart problems. She’s got a pacemaker now) This lady is a fucking trooper, she works her ass off to make sure we as employees are happy. I can get pretty frustrated with work but if she asks me to pick up an extra shift I will. So, we get 3 weeks of vacation time. I took mine 21st of October til the 10th of November. We have 6 people currently including my manager. We have a student who took his vacation in the beginning of summer because he still goes with his parents. We had one coworker (we’ll call her Bean cause this story involves them) go in the middle of summer with miss Sociopath taking 2 weeks off. Manager didn’t even have a full vacation because she was still doing paper work. Then there is our old man, our fixure of the workplace because he’s been there for nearly 20 years. He took his vacation in September, the first 3 weeks. I thought ‘it’s fine I can take the last and a few in October’ NOPE. Miss Sociopath took the last week of September. Summer is usually a work-heavy period so I was basically running on fumes at that point... But since I had a vacation planned with friends the first week of November I figured ‘21st October til 10 November it is!’ I submitted those dates before september since the work scedule for that month had already been planned. So the work scedule for October and November are planned. Miss Sociopath whines she has exams IN THE MIDDLE OF MY VACATION. Manager told me not to worry about it since I had submitted my dates well on time and miss Sociopath DIDN’T. It did nothing to stop the worrying... Then... It happened... The other coworker, Bean, gets in an accident. She was riding on her scooter and had to evade a cat. Ending up in a ditch. She sprained and tore her knee and ankle, ontop her neck turned stiff so moving her head wasn’t possible. This happened when miss Sociopath was still on holiday for her last week so I had to take over Bean’s shifts which I did even if I was running on fumes and highly irritable. Did ask our Fixture if he could work one of my shifts since I’d be working 7 in a row and 8 was gonna kill me. He had no trouble with that. Since Bean’s injuries were pretty severe she was out for atleast all of October. Now I have to say I was pretty frustrated having to work extra shifts when I was already on my last legs. But it was NOTHING compared to Miss Sociopath. Miss Sociopath accussed Bean of faking it and that Bean could work a few hours regardless of her injuries. And that once SHE worked with a BROKEN FOOT. (if it truly been only her leg Bean technically could have worked since she’d been allowed to use the chair. It would be highly uncomforable but it could be done. However i wasn’t just her leg) She also called the rest of us lazy since we didn’t ‘do our jobs properly’ and that if she were manager ‘you’d all have to fear for your job’. (lady, if you were manager I’d quit on the spot, have fun filling 3 full shifts ontop of those 4 other shifts from Bean. Our shifts are divided in 3 aday, you’re fucked if that happens) Bean wasn’t back before I went on vacation so the manager needed to request emergency aiders. But during my holiday I got a notification from the work group. I feared it was trouble so I looked. No such thing. It was a Kermit drinking tea meme. Something very odd in a group chat meant for work related messages... It was posted by miss Sociopath and had 3 sentences: 1. ‘I don’t actually see you as a collegue.’ 2. ‘Oh you mean we’re more like friends?’ 3. ‘No I mean you do jackshit’ ............................... Yeh, she REALLY posted that..... So the Manager asked the Student, he was the admin of the group, if he could delete it. He told the manager only Miss Sociopath could delete it. So Miss Sociopath responded with: ‘I don’t see the problem? Is self-mockery forbidden?’ Bitch. You’ve been shouting that we’re lazy. Do you REALLY THINK we’d see this post as SELF-MOCKERY? .... So being a little shit I decided to explain it to her <3 I told her: ‘The text implies YOU view US as lazy. It’s not self-mockery if it’s not about yourself.’

Welp~ This is where her true persona shines~ Because her response on that was truly: ??? Dafuq??? (I’ve shown it to various people and that was legit their response) Her response: ‘Wolf, firstly, I think my vocabulary is broader than yours. (good for you? I doesn’t make you smarter tho) Secondly, You don’t know if I’m lazy nowadays since I don’t work extra. So if you want to have an opinion you better ask for facts first’ :justsaying: (No, no I don’t. You can have an opinion WITHOUT facts. I can find you a stupid crotchgoblin, doesn’t have to be true. That’s why it’s an OPINION.)  Seriously, I had a giggle with that ludicrous answer but the Manager was fed up. The Manager snapped to cut the crap and that the chat wasn’t for this crap. Miss Sociopath replied with: ‘I was seriously joking about my new motivation’ bu was promptly shut down again. Then she left the group chat :3c (oops~) I did apologize to my manager in private because I didn’t think Miss Sociopath would explode like THAT. Manager said it was cool and enjoy the rest of my holiday. Which I did~ So now I’m back at work, Bean and the Manager are the first coworkers I’ve seen so far. And this is what I’ve heard regarding Miss Sociopath: - She’s pissy because I called her out -  She’s driven the Department of Personnel crazy to the point that they hang up if she calls. - She’s texted the Manager so much and at such odd hours (3am) that we can’t text her after 6pm or on weekends. (unless emergency like gas-leak or something) - She’s called Bean a ‘Fat Toad’ (Bean lost like 99lbs in a short time, rude) - She’s been rude towards customers - She’s tried to whore herself out AT WORK (chatting up guys to see if they’re willing... DON’T STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY) - She’s threatened and yelled muliple times she’s going to quit (oh please do, you won’be missed) So the manager is going to have a review with her (letting slip Miss Sociopath’s contract ends in February) and that she’s probably only going to give her the 8-hours stated on her contract. (Missy ain’t happy about that) We’re all getting a review but Miss Sociopath is probably the only one on the chopping block.

[howellyw]

We Are Alive - Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I originally wrote this on Wattpad and decided to post it on more websites :) This is my original work, not the characters or premise, but Natasha is my character.

"Never be afraid to do the things that make you feel free."

I walk into the bar I usually go into every night and plop down at my usual seat, I come in to watch the basketball game with the boys who are always here.

"The usual?" the bartender Kevin asks me, I nod and lean against the counter.

He hands me two glasses of straight whiskey, I slowly slip one while I watch my team shoot another basket.

"What happened today, Lieutenant Parish?" Kevin asks, I shake my head and set down my cup.

"More homicides, same old same old, nothing ever fucking changes in Detroit," I say, "don't know why I signed up for this job since androids are probably gonna take it away from me" I grumble.

Kevin nods as he takes away my glass, "Ain't that the damn truth" he mutters as he turns around.

Kevin's bar is a no android bar, meaning no androids can come inside, most places run by old folks who weren't for the creation of androids don't allow androids to come in, most people are scared by androids.

I hate them, they're walking pieces of plastic that are going to steal our jobs, they offer us absolutely nothing other than doing our work for us, lord knows we don't need more lazy people in the world.

The door opens a couple of minutes later, I look up and see an android walking in, I roll my eyes and look back at my other cup, so much for a no android bar.

The android walks around the bar as if it's looking for something, but I continue to ignore it as I take another sip from my drink, hopefully, it'll just leave, it's making everyone uncomfortable.

The damn thing walks over and stands beside me, I still don't look up hoping that it'll leave me alone, I'm just trying to watch my game in peace, I really don't want to be bothered by this hunk of junk.

"Lieutenant Parish," it says, I sigh, obviously it won't leave me alone.

"My name is Connor. I'm the android sent by Cyberlife" I roll my eyes and down the rest of my drink.

"I looked for you at the station but nobody knew where you were, they said you were probably having a drink nearby," he informs me.

"I was lucky to find you at the fifth bar," he adds, I swear I can hear the tiniest bit of sarcasm behind his voice.

I scoff but continue to ignore him, hoping he'll eventually get the hint to leave me be.

"You were assigned a case early this evening, a homicide, involving a Cyberlife android."

I sigh and finally look at it, it has dark brown hair that matches its eyes and he wears the typical android outfit to be able to tell him apart from humans since these things look just like us.

"And?" I ask.

"In accordance with procedure, the company has allocated a specialized model to assist investigators."

I scoff and turn away from him, "Well I don't need any assistance, 'specially not from a plastic asshole like you" I grumble and turn back to the bar.

"Tell Cyberlife I don't need any help, I've managed just fine by myself til now," I say.

"Lieutenant Parish, I must inform you that I intend to file a report on your behavior" the thing threatens which only makes me laugh.

"Oh yeah?" I chuckle, I turn back and look at him "they're used to it, nice try though."

He remains stone-faced like my stubbornness doesn't affect him like it would a human, guess these things can't feel.

"My instructions stipulate that I have to accompany you" he informs me.

"Yeah, you know where you can stick those instructions?" I chuckle, "No, where?" the thing asks, I look at it and it looks at me with childlike curiosity.

I roll my eyes, they couldn't design androids with a sense of humor?

"Nevermind" I mumble, I wave the bartender over and ask for another drink, "You know what?" it says, maybe it'll finally leave me alone.

"I'll buy you one for the road," it says, this sparks my curiosity, "What do you say?" it asks.

I look at him then back at Kevin with a smirk "See Kevin, maybe these things are good for something" I say, Kevin chuckles but shakes his head.

The thing throws a $20 on the counter and starts to walk toward the door, "See you next week, Kev" I say to Kevin, he nods as we walk out

I walk to my car and unlock it, the thing climbs into the passenger seat and waits patiently for me to enter the car.

Once I'm in I start the car, it gives me directions to the house where the homicide was committed.

I turn on my radio to make sure that this thing won't try and talk to me, rap is playing, my favorite music genre.

Tinman leans in closer to the radio and looks at it curiously.

"Wake up in the sky by Gucci Mane," he says, I glance at it briefly before returning my attention to the road, "You know the song?" I ask.

"I know every song, it's apart of my programming" it states matter of factly, "Well would you look at that" I mumble.

"Is this your favorite type of music, Lieutenant?" he asks.

"Yeah" I mumble, it nods and turns up the volume slightly, I glance back over at it "Do you like it?" I ask.

It frowns slightly and looks at me, "Like it?" it repeats.

My brows furrow in confusion, were they not programmed to like things?

"Yeah... do you not know what that means?" I ask.

It shakes his head no, "I wasn't programmed with interests in anything or with the capability to 'like' something" it says plainly.

"So you don't have the capability to enjoy something or even fall in love with someone?" I ask.

"Love?" it questions, "no, I don't. I was created to accomplish my mission that's all" it says.

I nod, "So after your 'mission' is done, what then?" I ask, "They'll send me back to Cyberlife until the next mission is available for me," it says.

"Huh, that sounds incredibly boring," I say.

"Boring" he tests the word out.

"Can you stop fucking repeating every word I say, it's annoying" I grumble.

"I'm sorry, I'm programmed with that I need to complete my mission, words like 'love' and 'boring' are not in my programming" it states.

"So... you don't have the capability to show emotions, and on top of that, you're programmed with a limited vocabulary to further ensure you won't feel emotion" I state, I glance at the thing and see it staring at me blankly, "Precisely" it nods.

"And how does that make you feel?" I ask before I even realize how dumb that question was, "I don't feel" it says blankly before returning its attention to the road.

That's such a crazy concept to think about, no androids can feel anything so does that mean they don't have thoughts? And if they don't feel then... what do they do? Just stand around all day mindlessly doing what us humans ask of them?

I pull up to the house and see all of my coworkers outside working.

"Alright, this won't take long, just wait in here" I instruct, I don't want people asking me a hundred questions as to why I have an android following me around, and I don't want him pestering me.

"I was assigned to assist you-" it starts to say but I cut it off.

"I know what you were fucking assigned with, I said to stay in the fucking car so be a good little android and stay in the car" I command before getting out of the car.

One of the news reporters outside runs up to me "John with News 16, can you confirm that this is a homicide?" he asks, I don't even look at him as I walk past him "I'm not confirming anything" I say sternly.

I walk through the holographic police tape, and a couple of seconds later I hear a cop stop someone behind me, "Androids are not permitted beyond this point" he says, I glance back at them and see the android following me.

"Relax, Frank, he's with me," I grumble.

The Tinman walks through the tape and over to me and stares at me blankly, "What part about stay in the car do you not fucking understand?" I ask.

"Your orders contradicted my previous ones" it states, I roll my eyes "Don't talk, don't touch, and stay out of mine and everyone's way, got it?" I ask.

"Got it" it replies, I search his eyes trying to tell if it's lying but I guess androids have the ultimate poker face or was it even programmed with the capabilities of lying.

"Evening, Natasha. We were starting to think you weren't gonna show" Ted says, a guy who works at the station.

"Yeah that was the plan until this asshole found me," I say, I glance at Tinman, it tilts its head to the side almost like how a puppy does.

"So, you got yourself an android huh?" Ted smirks at me.

I wonder how this looks to everyone else, a female getting a male android, they probably think I'm going to use it for some weird sex fetish.

"Funny. Just tell me what happened" I say.

Ted, debriefs me and tells me how the landlord called the police claiming the tenant hadn't paid his rent for a few months so the landlord swung by the house and saw the victim dead.

As soon as we make it into the living room the pungent smell hits me, I think it's actually burning the hairs inside of my nostrils.

I cover my nose with my shirt "Jesus, the smell" I groan.

"Yeah, this thing's been rotting for a while," Ted says.

"Victims name is Carlos Ortiz" Ted informs me, I notice the android standing next to me looking all over the room before walking off and looking at something else.

I squat down and look at the body, he has multiple stab wounds on his chest, his skin is completely drained of all color and so are his eyes.

"I would say this poor sucker has been rotting for a good three weeks" I estimate, I turn around trying to look for a weapon and pretty close to the body is a kitchen knife.

"Probably the murder weapon" I speculate, "Any sign of a break in?" I ask, Ted shakes his head.

"Nope, the landlord said the front door was locked from the inside and all window were boarded up, possible that the killer walked out the back way," he says.

I know the victim had an android, there could be a possible relation between the two, "What do we know about his android?" I ask.

"Not much, the neighbors confirmed that he had one, but it wasn't here when we arrived" he informs me.

I guess it could have escaped but androids don't have a mind of their own so that theory doesn't work out.

I look at the wall above the victim to see the words "I Am Alive" written in what I presume is the victim's blood.

The handwriting itself is incredibly neat, I look over and see tinman standing next to me again staring at the writing.

"I don't think this was written by a human, it's way too neat," I think out loud, it nods and studies the writing.

"It was written by an android" it confirms.

It looks down at the knife and then does something completely unexpected, it sticks its finger in the blood and then licks its finger.

"Oh, what the hell? The fuck are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm analyzing the blood" it responds matter of factly, "I can check samples in real time," it says, I wince and look away from it.

"I'm sorry I should have warned you," it says, "Okay, just don't do it in front of me," I say.

I notice a bag of red stuff sitting on his coffee table, I clench my fist in anger as I pick it up, it's Red Ice, an extremely addictive substance people love to abuse.

It's fucked up how most everyone in the world is addicted to this stupid substance, it offers no benefits to anyone but yet everyone still uses it.

"He was stabbed 28 times in the chest and abdomen," the android says from behind me, I turn around and notice it examining the body.

"Seems like the killer really had it in for him then," I say.

The android walks away and towards the kitchen so I follow it, it opens the back door and looks outside.

"Door was locked from the inside" I inform it, "killer must have gone out this way" I finish.

Tinman shakes its head, "There are no footprints, apart from officer Collins' size 10 shoes" it states.

I lean against the doorframe and stare at it as it looks out at the yard, its eyes squint as if it's thinking.

So androids do have thoughts?

But I guess they don't think like us if they don't have emotion, so their thoughts are probably blank observations.

"Well this happened weeks ago, tracks could have faded" I state.

"No" it shakes his head, "this type of soil would've retained a trace" it informs me, god they really did make it a genius.

"Nobody's been out here for a long time," it says and looks at me.

It turns back around and walks into the house, I look back into the backyard and nod to myself, so if the killer didn't leave through the front or back door then he must still be inside the house somewhere.

But there's no way that the killer could still be in the house without anyone finding him, right?

I walk back into the living room and consult with Ted before tinman walks back over to me, "Lieutenant" it says.

"I'll be outside if you need me," Ted says, I nod and then turn my attention to the android.

"I think I figured out what happened," it says, the corners of my mouth turn up in a smirk.

"Oh yeah?" I ask, it nods affirmatively, "Alright then, shoot, I'm all ears," I say.

"It all started in the kitchen," it says and walks towards the kitchen, I follow it and look down at the ground where a bat lays along with some fallen over chairs.

"There're obvious signs of a struggle... The question is; what exactly happened here" I say and look at it expectantly, testing it, if he can figure this out then he earns my respect.

"I think the victim attacked the android with the bat" it continues, I nod, "That lines up with the evidence," I say.

"The android then stabbed the victim" it finishes.

"So the android was trying to defend itself right?" I ask, "Correct, the victim then fled to the living room" we both walk into the living room and stand in front of the victim.

"So the victim was trying to get away from the android," I say with a nod, "The android murdered the victim with the knife" it finishes.

"Alright, that theory's not completely ridiculous, but it doesn't tell us where the android went to" I remind it.

"It was damaged by the bat and lost some thirium," it says and looks at me, I look at it confused, "Thirium, you call it blue blood. It's the fluid that powers androids biocomponents" it explains.

"It evaporates after a few hours and becomes invisible to the naked eye," it informs me.

"But I bet you can still see it, can't you?" I ask, "Correct" it nods, I smirk and step out of his way.

"Alright then, go ahead and lead the way," I say.

It leads us to the hallway that leads to the bathroom, it crouches down and glances at the ground before standing up and then looking at the ceiling.

"What are you thinking?" I ask, "I need something to get up there," it says, "Gotcha" I reply.

I walk back into the kitchen and grab a chair, I bring it back to where the android is and places it against the wall.

"Wait here, I won't be long," it says, it climbs up onto the chair and into the attic.

I hear it walking for a bit but then it stops, and it stays that way for a minute or so.

"Hey, Tinman! What the hell is going on up there?" I yell up to it, "It's here, Lieutenant" it yells back.

"Holy shit, Ted, Ben, get your asses in here now" I command.

[antique-darling]

12 steps backwards

Hi, I’m Carys and I’m an alcoholic. 

It started the same way as practically everyone else; understanding the intoxicating beauty of alcohol, a true social lubricant - and a firm willing suspension of disbelief that it’ll ever happen to you. 

The whole sordid affair began around Christmastime 2006. I was extremely young and very beautiful, and dressed the part of a perfect outcast with my various studs and spikes, my facial piercings mostly resembling that of one who has headbutted a box of map pins. But I was horrifically shy, the shackles of post-puberty still lingering. 

We’re in the UK, so I was handed a bottle of Smirnoff Ice at a house party. The more I drank, the more confident I became. I felt vibrant and stunning, although I was most likely being annoying. Even caught myself my first boyfriend that night, something which I’d never successfully been able to do. I managed to forget the two-day hangover which ensued. 

Thus began a bitter relationship with alcohol, my best friend of over a decade who betrayed me, in the end. 

I lived a 3-minute walk away from my high school, so I would frequently nip home at lunch to swindle some booze my mum had unsuccessfully ‘hidden’ away. She worked every weekday, and my parents had just separated at this point, which definitely made the whole debacle easier. In retrospect, the separation and eventual divorce probably affected me more than I realised.

A string of failed relationships, including an engagement, before I’d even turned 18 shaped me more into this polyp of self-loathing, and a glass of wine would ease the hatred a little more, or I’d down a bottle of something stronger.

By the time I’d reached 16, I decided that I was an adult, and panicked because I wasn’t getting pregnant. Somehow, in my mind, I neglected to recall that stress and abusing alcohol is the opposite of a good environment for a foetus. Over the past decade, I’ve lost count of the number of dead babies to drop out of me. 

 I’m fairly certain I fell in love with the devil when I was 17. He was strong and handsome, and an alcoholic himself. Although at this time, my true alcoholism had not yet fully manifested. This man made it a reality. 

He told me to stop taking my pill because it was making me “moody”. I acquiesced, assuming I was barren anyway. Discovering I was around 6 weeks pregnant was a shock, to say the least. 

I was still in school and he was jobless due to a health condition I like to call chronic laziness and taking all of my money to supplement his drug and alcohol habits. I’d been in abusive relationships before him, and they’re honestly what I probably deserve. I’m constantly drawn to the same sorts of people, despite my better judgment. The problem, therein, lies in me. 

But this man was king. I have endured nothing like the hell he dragged me through since. 

So, the option he gave me was crystal clear; “it’s not very nice being a single mum”. I had just turned 18, and I was so very vulnerable. I had already been corrupted by the 4 men who had came before him, so my self-worth was absolutely nothing. Again, I acquiesced to his demands. 

If I knew all those years ago what I know now, I would have left him and had my child. But he took my choice away from me, he forced a child into me and forced it back out again. He caused me to betray every part of my moral integrity, every single belief that I held dear. And it still feels, to this very day, as painful as it did in 2012. I wish I’d killed myself instead of my baby. I haven’t spoken to this man in many years, but he haunts me daily. The saddest truth is that I’m sure he doesn’t even remember I exist. I know he never loved me, but I loved him with a ferocity which I’ve not felt since.

And I so desperately wanted a child. I still do. It still won’t happen - I’ve cursed myself and I am dealing with the wrath of eternity. Hell is on earth and I have created it. 

So, to absolutely no surprise to anyone, I hit the bottle hard after that. I had to take a week off after the abortion due to antibiotics and opioid painkillers, but the minute I could, I drowned. 

After all, I was 18. I had a drinking permit. 

I spent my entire university career after that point getting blind drunk daily. At my peak, I’d drink cheap bottled cider (but not Frosty Jack’s or White Lightning - I had some class) as if it was cola or something. I’d have wine on a Friday and Saturday night, typically two bottles, and a bottle of vodka every day. This went on for 5 years. 

During this time I was engaged again, to someone I’d met at university. We were together for 4 years, living together, and I remember virtually nothing of the relationship. It was the longest relationship I had ever been in, and sometimes I forget his name. I certainly don’t remember what he looked like. 

Naturally, that relationship broke down when, on the 11th of September 2018, I surrendered. My 12-year relationship with alcohol was over. 

I would wake up next to my partner every day, and the more time I spent not drinking, the more I realised he was a total stranger in my bed. After a month of sobriety, I awoke to the fact I had absolutely no recollection of this person at all, apart from the two times we traveled to Belfast to see his family and friends. Even then, I only remember the actual traveling part. 

We had to live together a month after we had separated, during which time he constantly demanded to know why I’d left him. Simply, “I sobered up”. He had been the most violent, piggish creature of all the men I had ever been with, memories which have only been returning to me in the past year. Sometimes I think, he wasn’t looking for a partner, he was looking for a sex slave. And he still wasn’t as bad as the devil of my younger years. 

Probably ‘coz I was really drunk the whole time. 

So I’m 16 months sober, as of Saturday of this month. I still can’t sleep, I still have headaches and I’ve put on so much weight I can barely recognise myself. It’s bittersweet. I have achieved great things in my life, but I feel like a stranger looking in. I feel like a confused 12-year-old, shy with no confidence and no place in the world. Like the degrees I have are someone else’s, and sure I have my graduation pictures but that’s a different me. That’s not me, surely. My day job is, ironically, bartending. I know I’m fantastic at my persona, but the customers see through the cracks. They’ll ask me “What’s the nicest x? What mixer goes with y?”, and I can never just say “oh, it’s z”, I always have to say “other people usually have this with z”. 

I don’t keep my alcoholism a secret, and most of my regular customers know. And I’ll get the typical diatribe of “oh aren’t you strong and brave, working here and struggling with your recovery??”. I know they mean well, and it’s a lovely compliment to pay. But I don’t feel strong, although it is cathartic when I get to pour drinks away. I feel like a failure. 

I am a fully qualified English teacher in the process of doing my Master’s degree. Staying up til 3am cleaning, after spending 6 hours serving poison to toxic people (although a lot of my regular customers are genuine angels), makes me believe that, despite my achievements on paper, that that is all I’m worth. 

I want to end this monologue on a positive note. In over a year of sobriety, I have learned to go out with my friends, or hang out after work, and not feel so left out. Coffee is now a luxury, opposed to a brown liquid to fix my constant hangover. I even know when coffee tastes burnt now, which is something my former self would never have even considered. I’m eternally grateful for my family of Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven’t been to a meeting in months due to work and uni, but every time I manage to go, it’s as if I’d not missed a single one. 

My family have been nothing but supportive, although my dad still doesn’t really understand it (we were great drinking buddies for a while). My friends are mainly my colleagues at work, and without their support I wouldn’t be alive, most likely. Also they will refuse to serve me alcohol - not that I’ve tried, but I’ve been told so, in order to continue supporting my recovery. 

Since being sober, I’ve surrounded myself with good people. The bad things don’t seem so bad, and every day I’m working on hating myself less. 

Alcohol and/or substance abuse feels like something that won’t happen to you. Unfortunately, it can happen to all of us, and so very quickly. Or, so slowly that you didn’t even register it until you’re sleeping on a bench in the middle of February. 

There is help, free help, and there are probably millions of people suffering too. If you’re suffering, you’re not alone. You never have to be alone. 

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://www.samaritans.org/

[44dagainagain]

Supplementary materials for KWLUG LMMS Presentation

I gave a presentation at KWLUG this month about LMMS. Here’s a link to the KWLUG site which embeds the recording: https://kwlug.org/node/1250

This post includes supplementary materials.

First, here’s a link to download the slides: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1r5367PwFZ5y1ZHrW4dJ9Xo-64-xhc22S/view?usp=sharing

Second, here’s an annotated project file for the song that I demonstrated called Lazy Days. This should work with LMMS 1.2.2. I’ve licensed it under CC-BY 4.0, so have fun with it: https://drive.google.com/file/d/17fka1JCFu2qTXbBhXLA8zQm_OibTPnU5/view?usp=sharing

Finally, what follows is the text of the script I was reading. It’s not a 1:1 transcription due to ad-libbing and general waffling but it’s pretty close. I refer to the slides a lot so you might want to keep those open in another tab. The scripted portion goes from the start of the presentation to the beginning of the demo...

The Script

Hey so, I’m Michael Hitchens. I’m a Software Developer by day but hobby musician by night. I sing, play the piano and (really, only recently) is when I’ve started to compose. Composition has been one of those areas that bounced off me for a while until, one day, it just clicked. (This was my quarantine hobby btw) So I’m hoping that, if you’re in the same predicament, then this talk can maybe help it click for you too.

Now, while this is a talk primarily about the program LMMS, I do need to cover some groundwork as well, just to get the most out of the program.

What is LMMS?

LMMS is a digital audio workstation (shortened D-A-W, or more commonly pronounced “daw” (like in “dawn”)). The jargon means that this program was designed to assist in making music, in much the same way that CAD programs assist in designing objects.

On the slides I’ve included a link to the docs because, even though they’re a bit out of date in places, they’re actually pretty well written. Most of my demo is based around them.

There’s also this sharing platform. Now, I haven’t used it but it does look cool. Although it also looks relatively unmaintained and, based on the GitHub issues that I’ve read, it might not be the pinnacle of secure database design. Just be warned.

Digital Audio Workstations

If LMMS is a DAW, then no really what is a DAW? DAWs are a lot like non-linear video editors. You can record and produce multiple bits of audio then mix and match and layer and rework and filter all to your heart’s content, and all without leaving the DAW.

The modern DAW is decades in the making. It’s the culmination of music industry tech and secrets. What if I told you that you could have all the power in this room-sized mixer in your laptop? And more? Oh year and this is just a mixer! DAWs are also a synthesizer, a sequencer, a, a rhythm machine, a recorder, an amp, a cabinet? It’s incredible

Now, the history of audio recording at large (which I’ve entirely left out of this presentation because 40 minutes tic toc) is important in-so-far as you realize that DAWs still crib the aesthetic and mimic the functionality of the analogue systems from days of yore. For example, let’s look at these illustrative LMMS screenshots. The mixer on the bottom-left uses sliders but the instrument volume control on the top-left uses knobs. Why? Well because that’s what they look like on a real mixing board. Why do the synthesizer interfaces on the right all use knobs? Because that’s what eurorack synthesizers look like. Understanding these traditions and embracing them can explain some headscratchers. (For the record, this is one of the reasons that DAWs in general bounced off me for a while)

Other modern DAWS include:

Cubase

GarageBand

Logic Pro

Ableton Live

FL Studio

Pro Tools

(my personal favourite) Reaper

There’s probably a bunch of others I’m missing but they’re all similar at this point. You pick one, you learn it, you use it ‘til you die. These are first-rate packages but they’re also inaccessible mainly due to their high price tags. These things cost up to a thousand dollars. (I’m fudging the numbers here a bit for effect, aside from the Apple products there’s a whole bunch of tiering and stuff they do. Like I got Reaper for $60) On top of that, they have an incredibly steep learning curve. That’s not to say LMMS is a cake walk in comparison, but it does get a hell of a lot more complicated.

(For the record, if I had a Mac, I would totally use GarageBand. It’s actually really really good. The interface is easy to understand and the preset synthesizers and drums sound amazing.)

LMMS is a lot like other DAWs but I’ve found that it has several glaring limitations:

There is no mic recording. There’s no way to hit a record button and record a mic directly into LMMS. Every mainstream DAW has this ability and its clearly missing here

You can import and play samples, but they’re hard to manipulate. They feel much more like discrete static objects rather than pools of PCM data that you can mix and match and blend with other samples. Again, every other mainstream DAW does this well

So that’s not to say LMMS isn’t good, you just have to realize what it’s good for:

Synthesized

MIDI-based

Judicious use of samples (e.g. drums)

(slightly) more intuitive interface

Drag ‘n drop, works out of the box

Music Notation and Music Theory

Two more topics before I get to LMMS.

As much as I want to go over the fine details of the harmonic stylings of 18th century dead white dudes, there’s too much to cover in a 40 minute presentation. I will cover a few fundamentals though because it will give us a convenient and widely used way to communicate about a rather abstract idea. But it is gonna be pretty technical and it’s gonna go pretty fast, so strap in.

The classical way of conveying music information is on a staff, shown here, but I’m not going to go into that too much because LMMS doesn’t directly use it. If you want something tailored to music notation, use MuseScore instead.

However, it uses a similar concept called the piano roll, the image on the right. These two images are equivalent.

Music (as it’s valued by our culture) is a collection of notes (labelled here) on two axes: time and pitch. (Think of it like a 2D graph.)

The Y axis consists of notes from a piano arranged from low (bassy, gravelly, earthy, etc) to high (harsh, shrill, piercing). Humans hear from around 20Hz to 20000hz. (The distance between each note is consistently a semitone, you can look this up later). You can describe these notes by their frequency (for example 440hz) but its more common to use note name (for example A4). (Also something to look up later, valid note names are ABCDEFG, then it repeats. It’s modular arithmetic!)

On the X dimension, notes are read over time from left to right. The basic unit of time is a beat, commonly delineated with vertical bars (which I’ve exaggerated in red here). How fast a “beat” is depends on the tempo. This is measured in beats per minute or BPM. 120 BPM is fairly common, which is nice because it neatly divides into 2 beats a second, or 500ms per beat. To stay on beat, musicians use a metronome. The metronome produces a tone each beat which the musician anticipates or reacts to when performing. The duration of the note can be a beat, a fraction of a beat, or multiple beats.

Beats can then be grouped into bars. How many beats per bar is determined by the time signature. Common time, or 4/4 puts 4 beats per bar. Bars can then be grouped into phrases, and phrases grouped into sections and sections can be grouped into songs.

Independent of bars, we can consider other groupings of notes. On the pitch dimension, notes that play simultaneously are called chords or harmony. This is a C major chord.

MIDI

Close to the heart of the modern DAWs is MIDI, the musical instrument digital interface. You’re probably already familiar with it, a lot of retro DOS games have a MIDI soundtrack. The interface describes note pitch and duration, then its up to an interpreter like your old SoundBlaster to figure out how to turn the D4 its being told to play into a signal that goes to your speakers. My musical keyboard (the Casio CTK-3000, don’t buy it) speaks MIDI out, which I can hook up as an input to my computer over USB and use my computer as a synthesizer. More importantly, I can record the notes for later use. For some (like me) this is a more intuitive interface for inputting musical ideas. However, DAWs do typically have a way to input notes using mouse+keyboard, using the piano roll interface.

We use MIDI because it’s compact and easy to manipulate in fine detail, unlike RAW audio from a microphone which is bulky and takes a lot of computation to do the most basic processing (though the tech is getting better just not widely accessible, see the product Melodyne).

I gloss over the spec details because the minutiae of the protocol framing and messaging are really not that important to us. All we really need to know is that it’s the format used to record my piano.

(At this point I switched to a live demo, for which I had no script.)

[kairoth]

Could you do all of the questions?

heyhey! yea! done on my laptop :>

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?♥ usually more milk but then i try to fix the ratio and it ends up being more cereal asfh

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?♥ eehhh sometimes

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?♥ mostly just pieces of paper lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?♥ with LOTS of sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?♥ yes. it's gross

6: do you keep plants?♥ yea!

7: do you name your plants?♥ ofc i do

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?♥ music mainly. like you'll know my mood by knowing what song i listen to

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?♥ ye ~

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?♥ my side usually but i move a lot in my sleep

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?♥ bongwater,,

12: what’s your favorite planet?♥ saturn! and pluto,,, and jupiter ahh

13: what’s something that made you smile today?♥ thinking about puppies !!!!!!

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?♥ idk? messy

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!♥ apparently you get taller in space

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?♥ this is boring of me but i like plain ol' pasta with butter and salt the most

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?♥ white with purple ombre !

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.♥ HHH when i was 6 months old i ate a spider and anyone who knows about it never lets me live it down

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?♥ i try to keep em and write in em but i often forget

20: what’s your favorite eye color?♥ mmm i can't choose, they're all great !

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.♥ oof my batman backpack that i gave to my dad. that thing went through A LOT. my new one is really good too tho. it's just red and black but it's served me well.

22: are you a morning person?♥ depends on if i've gotten a good night's sleep and if i'm particularly excited for the day!

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?♥ sleep, listen to music, read

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?♥ yea. we don't talk anymore tho. i miss him

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?♥ nowhere? i've never broken in before

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?♥ i always wear my vans til they fall apart. my current pair are space themed bc ofc

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?♥ juicyfruit ig?

28: sunrise or sunset?♥ sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?♥ ASFH UHM idk?? them just being themselves is enough for me to smile over them

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?♥ yes

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.♥ i wear mismatched socks all the time but like they do match each other somewhat. like. i have a bunch of stitch socks and i don't wear their match but i'll wear another stitch sock with it.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.♥ uhh me and two friends played never have i ever over kik once and long story short we learned a lot abt each other. some things we never wanted to know

33: what’s your fave pastry?♥ idk! i like danish pastries pretty well tho

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?♥ teddy!! i got him when i was 5 from my cousin for like a nickel. he's just a standard lil brown teddy bear. and ofc i still have him asdgh can't sleep without him. i even bring him to sleepovers

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?♥ yea! i use them when i can

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?♥ EDEN. and crywank generally fits me too

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?♥ i like it to be clean but often it just gets cluttered and i don't have the motivation to clean it

38: tell us about your pet peeves!♥ uhhh i hate rude, arrogant, judgemental people, disloyalty, uhm, the sound that weird plastic makes, uhhh idk

39: what color do you wear the most?♥ mostly black and white

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?♥ my solar system bracelet! i saw the post for it on tumblr and sent it to my mum, and she ended up getting it for me for christmas!

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?♥ we were liars by e. lockhart. if i had to choose a fave it'd be that one. i sobbed for days after reading it. i think it kinda did smthn to my soul

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!♥ i do not sadly :

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?♥ my mum, i think ?

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?♥ oof, when harley was still here. it was a nice day, the sun was shining through my window, birds singing, EDEN playing softly, and harley was all cuddled up on my chest with his head tucked under my chin, purring away.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?♥ depends. i try to evenly listen to my instincts and to logic

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.♥ my friend used to make a lot of bone puns bc of undertale and sans and one of my faves is "wasn't that HUMERUS"

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?♥ SEAFOOD it's grrrrrrrrrrroooooooosssss

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?♥ death. and yes.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?♥ haven't bought many of those, i mostly listen to spotify :0 i did get the vinyl of black parade that mcr was giving out for the anniversary !

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?♥ crystals ig? pokemon cards, pens, books. uhh. i have a lot of paper and notebooks lmao

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?♥ mm. good times by all time low.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?♥ uhh idk i like all of em

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?♥ heathers is epic and i love christian slater but also his voice is hilarious, beetlejuice was good and amazingly weird, and i've no seen the other two yet.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?♥ HHH. the other day my mum's friend was talking abt how she's having problems with renters and she looked like she was gonna cry but it was more frustration than anything so idk?

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?♥ man idk it's prob somethin big but i don't remember

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?♥ ? idk. it depends ig?? like for my one friend i love that he loves animals, for my other i love that she loves music. for one i love her kindness and outward innocence and i find it hilarious when she actually shows her angry or sassy side.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?♥ god i love bohemian rhapsody. so good. so catchy. the best. me and my former bff used to sing it all the time

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?♥ mmmm idk :0

59: what’s your favorite myth?♥ i love myths abt creatures! my faves are about the fae folk.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?♥ idk :0

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?♥ uhh just a basic gift card ig. and uhm idk?

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?♥ mm if i have juice i'll drink it!

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?♥ i try to keep them organized

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?♥ it's getting late and it's kinda cloudy and grey

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?♥ yeaa.

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?♥ mmm idk! maybe lots of purple and light blues? :0

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?♥ bad. i've always been nervous with storms and whatnot and those kinda days just make me jittery.

68: what’s winter like where you live?♥ well for a while it actually is winter and gets cold. but it's florida so ofc it goes back to being hot af.

69: what are your favorite board games?♥ i've always been fond of sorry sliders and candy land

70: have you ever used a ouija board?♥ NO AND I NEVER WILL. my mum and aunts did once and HHHHHHHH they ended up with a possessed barney doll

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?♥ earl grey ! i really wanna try lavender tea tho

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?♥ yea but i don't often actually do it

73: what are some of your worst habits?♥ i sleep and procrastinate too much but i'm trying, i pick at threads a lot hhh,

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.♥ ok uhh. they remind me of a canary bird. i associate them with yellow and pink. they're super sweet. always helpful. sad and i wish i could help them more. all in all a v good friend and v good person.

75: tell us about your pets!♥ OOF OK GET READY. syd: sydney, my man. the big orange floof. meathead. he likes to stand up and hold onto your shirt or pants and it's cute but also CLAWS. v smart, knows that if he annoys me enough i'll open my door for him. maggie: pretty pretty princess. also the grossest princess. beaut white, brown capped fur and green gold eyes and cutest lil meows. bean: has two thumbs, one is teensy tiny. meows are like inaudible. usually grumpy and will run if you pet her. only accepts affection when she's sleepy. sebastian: the real grumpy cat. russian blue boy. has a hard time jumping correctly now cos he's old. always talking and complaining. likes pets. will fight you. ash: scaredy boi. dark as night. murrs instead of meows bc he wasn't raised by other cats. rarely purrs but you know he loves you. likes head bumps. will scratch you if you're not paying attention to him. can be a bully. arrow: FAT. has scabs bc he keeps scratching himself,, why boi why (we think he's allergic to smthn). meows LOUDLY. eats everyone's food. likes to go outside. once got stuck in the same tree twice. shelby: old girl. jack russel. super hyper but also LAZY. only sleeps under blankets. gets jealous. will force her way onto your lap. the smelliest dog in existence i swear. emmy: chihuahua. grumpyyyy old lady. always telling people to shut up (mostly shelby). cute tho. has seizures sometimes. will purposefully use the bathroom on the floor where you'll step or on something of yours if you upset her. moriarty: my snek! good boy. likes to be under his paper towels. smol. has a cute face. percy: GRUMPY leopard gecko. she's a blizzard morph and she looks purple. so grumpy aaaaaaaaah. red: my betta girl. the other girls with her (blue and esme) died. she comes up to the glass to say hi to you. oscar the grouch: hedgehog. SO GRUMP. he literally turned his entire house around so you can't see him. rude. lillith, yuki, and star: ferrets. inseperable. good little catsnakes who i love. yuki has a thing for feet and shoes. star messes with the dogs/cats by nipping them. lillith is good but bites a bit hard. the chickens: we named them after the avengers. cap can die. literally she hates me and my mum she tries to fight us. RUDE.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?♥ yes. schoolwork

77: pink or yellow lemonade?♥ i like both !

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?♥ uhh hate club ig? idrk?????

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?♥ mmmMM my former bff used to be very supportive of my clinginess and she would be talking and i could just like hold my hands out to her or hug her and she'd be totally ok with it and not even pause talking. the best thing ever tbh

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?♥ two walls are light grey and the other two are a slightly darker grey! i chose it :> i wanted a good neutral color besides beige or white.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.♥ mmm. like the sun shining through the branches of the trees.

82: are/were you good in school?♥ i mean?? ig? i get ok grades (mostly Bs) but i always procrastinate assignments cos i'm lazy and unmotivated

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?♥ ooohh my fave is from life starts now by three days grace. i actually made it my theme once on chrome

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?♥ yea! i wanna get a lot of space related ones! and maybe the chip number of my boy harley

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?♥ mm. i read webcomics! a fave of mine is stutterhug by samantha davies on taptastic :>

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?♥ uhhhhhhh i don't know any off the top of my head and i looked it up and it says american idiot by green day is one and i love them so? yeah

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?♥ THE CROW. and the last unicorn!! both so good

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?♥ i've always been fond of symbolism

89: are you close to your parents?♥ i'm close to my mum! not so much my dad

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.♥ woodsboro, maryland! that's where my aunts and cousins live. i love going up there!

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?♥ idk! my mum did bring up going somewhere this year tho

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?♥ barely even a pinch. unless it's spaghetti and that powdery parmesan cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?♥ wellll we shaved the sides and back so it's just long at the top and flipped sideways

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?♥ ? it was my mum's boss's birthday a few days ago :0 we all had lunch together and she asked me what name she should call me by. i love her tbh

95: what are your plans for this weekend?♥ hopefully i can go see the puppies !!!

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?♥ procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?♥ infp, leo but i relate more to my scorpio chart, and hufflepuff!

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?♥ i've never actually been hiking!! and tbh i enjoy pretty much anything long as i'm with someone i like!

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.♥ jupiter by EDEN, leech boy by crywank, lost//found by EDEN, boats & birds by gregory and the hawk, and saturn by sleeping at last. a lot of others too ahh

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?♥ five years in the past. i could fix a lot of things that happened.

[paw-patrol-kiddo]

2017 for my regressive side

Well guys, this is it; we’re really already at the end of 2017! Hard to believe, ain’t it? Well, I normally don’t do year review thingies, bu’ I figured I should probably do one this year, mostly cause this year’s been the best out of all the years of my life- and that’s saying a lot. I mostly wanna cover what this year has held for my regressive side, also with bits of stuff that happened in my big girl life!

If ya want, I’d love if ya made one of these posts about what this year held for your regressive side and you tagged me in it! Chances are, I’ll be reading it and replying very quickly! 

Anyways, time for the year review! It begins below the cut!

This year’s held a lot of things for my regressive side; a lot more than the previous years. I’m going to try and cover everything, for every month of the year!

January held my fifteenth birthday and also marked four years since I started liking diapers nonstop again, which ultimately led to me beginning to age regress. I discovered that it seems my regressive side is most active this month, something that’s really helpful to know for obvious reasons. I attempted to indulge in my regressive side discreetly to cope with stress, as I was still hiding this whole thing at the time and seldom spoke about it to Kaiya, my younger sister. I also remember that the month before, I stopped identifying as a chireb, and was trying to find a new label for myself, but was failing. This was frustrating to me.

I don’t really remember a whole lot about February! Not much that I can note, that is. Thinking about it, this month is kinda a blurry, confusing mess if that says anything; I just can’t remember a whole lot from it! I think either this month or the month after was when I gave up on finding a label and just settled on the generic age regressor term.

March held quite a bit of things for my big girl side; I began playing baseball, got my own room at last, and mourned the loss of a big part of my preteen and early teenagehood when Club Penguin shut down. Even with more privacy for my regressive side and my life in general, I mostly forgot about my regressive side around this time and moved on with my life.

April doesn’t hold a lot of notable things for agere, either. I do know that starting four months before, I started feeling other ages in my identity (I feel all the ages I regress to in my identity. Like, I feel like them and at times, that for example, I’m a 7-year-old trapped in a teenager’s body. It’s not a fun feeling) and I accepted two without a problem (10 and 11), but I continued to deny and push aside another age I felt, thinking it seemed too young. After all, I was content with my youngest being two-years-old; or so I thought.

I wanna say May started getting a bit tough. As the spring season of baseball drew closer to the end, of course, my regressive side began trying to rise from the depths. The little girl inside me wanted attention and more space. She couldn’t keep sitting back and hiding forever.

The most I could do for my little self was watch toddler and little kid shows in private, play with my toys, play children’s games online, and color. Not a whole lot, clearly, and I was still self-conscious of a lot of this. I am sure this is the time where I began feeling trapped regarding all of this. 

June began to show signs of easier times. Baseball finally ended for the summer, which of course, led to the “Well dang; what am I gonna do with my life til the fall season?” moment. My regressive side, of course, took the wheel for most of the summer at this point. Hiding this was becoming very hard; I had to find some way to cope, some way to be open, anything. My little side could hardly take it anymore; this month or the next month marked four years since she first stepped into my life and you can only hide yourself for so long before it becomes too much (I had been making an effort to hide for a year or two before then).

Towards the end of the month, I finally reluctantly accepted the fact I seemed to regress to age 1 and 4 days later, I finally gathered the courage to make this blog, something I had thought about for a year, but could never do it. I told myself if I regretted it, I could just delete it, no problem; that was what I was expecting I’d end up doing. 

But instead, with a place I could be little, the trapped feeling began to ease. I was scared, of course, but also relieved and very happy. In fact, I was so happy that when I went to the bathroom shortly after a brief flood-reblog, I had to happy stim for a minute or two before I could actually do what I came in there for. I gave Mom and Kaiya the link to this blog. I’m sure making this blog is one of the best decisions I’ve made this year- and I’ve made a lot.

Making the blog reminded of my love for diapers, which brought back a memory of when Mom sneakily bought some for me the summer before. Talking about it here was really hard at first and took a lot of courage, but if you can’t tell, I can do it without flinching or hesitating now. After a quick chat with Mom, I decided at last, I’d finally try them whenever Dad left the house for a few hours (shout-out to the anon who sent that ask after I posted about it, you’re amazing and I hope you had a wonderful year. We need more people like you. Also, I started happy stimming when I reread the ask before linking it here).

Also, I rediscovered Small Elephant (I received the lil guy as a gift a year before and played with him once, but never got too attached to him) around this time and idk what exactly happened or how it did, but apparently, I ended up attached to him and I still am. He’s my lil vacation/severe weather evacuation buddy now.

July was a blast! I finally tried out my diapers shortly after Dad left to help out at a vape and tattoo shop he volunteers at and by the time I finally changed out of my first diaper, I had officially decided I was wearing them for the rest of my life (not as in 24/7, but... I’m sure ya know what I mean). The only problem is that because I was used to seeing what all the a/b/d/l community advertised, I ended up developing a rash the second time I wore and had to learn how to take care of myself properly mostly by myself with the occasional help from Mom and the internet (and literally now is when I see everyone from that community talking about the proper way to do things...).

The day I tried diapers out, I tried out regressing to age 1 to see how I’d like it and well, the rest is history. ;) 

Kai relearned of the diapers this month (read it once somewhere on my blog according to Mom, then I had to tell her about a sample pack on the way, and then Mom had to have a conversation with her about it in the car when they were the only ones in there) and said she was cool with it and briefly even began joking about the whole age regression thing (in a friendly way, mind you).

I told Kim, my older sister, about my regression, and she took it wonderfully, of course. I also told a friend of mine about my regression and liking of diapers, who also took it just fine and showed a lot of support for it. 

I began to indulge more and more into this and I even had a friend who also age regressed by the end of this month (Rayyyyyyy~). 

I went to Florida with Mama, Kai, and a former (? I don’t even know anymore, honestly) friend of Mama’s and it held some interesting adventures there, too! I took Small Elephant places, regressed at the beach twice (@ Kai, psst. Remember when I trapped you in that hug and almost sunk us into the ocean? Well, there’s your reason why), got a Winnie the Pooh book from Goodwill, and indulged in some tasty smiley fries one afternoon! Clearly, this month is one of the best for my age regression. The little girl inside was happy; I was no longer feeling trapped.

August was pretty wild. Small Elephant came with me to Georgia; I don’t think he got to come along on any adventures outdoors, however. I got a jack-in-the-box style toy with a mama kangaroo and her baby joey inside. I also regressed at some point at our cabin and enjoyed running around outside just before a storm blew through. Mom chose to tell someone about my age regression without my permission (talk about a thought to occupy yourself down the lengthy lazy river) and thankfully, that person was fine with it. I was thinking about telling her not too long before, funny enough. I’d prefer permission and a warning before telling someone, though, aha.

I got two “0+ months” pacifiers that month from Mom and literally spent 2 hours sucking on them, save for when I briefly stopped to switch; needless to say, my TMJ relapsed very quickly after around six months of absence of symptoms, aha.

My ex broke up with me (I got with him back in May), despite promising that no breakup would happen 3 days before. This was mostly a good thing, though; no more worrying about how and when to tell him about the diapers and age regression! I’ve been single since and content with it. The thought of telling my future boyfriend(s) this is terrifying, but maybe he’ll be fine with it. Maybe I’ll even meet someone who also likes diapers (nonsexually, mind you) and age regresses as well! I imagine that’s a once in a blue moon thing, though.

We also told Dad about my regression and he took it fine, something that surprised me, as I was genuinely not expecting it. Mom didn’t tell him a lot and eventually, decided to back off for a bit temporarily after mentioning that I “liked to act like a 7/5-year-old sometimes” and that I liked pacifiers and wanted one (this was after I got mine). According to Mom, he didn’t respond to the pacifiers thing and honestly, it’s still kinda scary (if it’s the no reply I think it is, I got him to do it back in October and it’s really unsettling). I don’t know what it means and I don’t think I want to know. He still doesn’t know about the pacifiers to this day. It’s wild.

September held its own adventures. I finally rediscovered an old bag of Mom’s (I mostly remember it because she had it when I was an ‘’actual’’ toddler) and what’s inside? A baby bottle I held on to for three years from when my parents had me treat Puzzle Piece as if he were a baby, thinking it’d rid of my age regression tendencies (if anything, I think this just fed it tbh). I planned to wash it and perhaps try it out or look into a new one.

This also held a notable visit from my older sister. She was told about my liking of diapers and you probably guessed it, her response was coming to my room (I panicked and ran away while she was on the way to the living room after Mom called her in there), giving me a hug, and saying, “I love and support you no matter what you do”. My sisters are great if you can’t tell, and I also mean that outside of agere.

The night before the diaper reveal, Mom noticed me lying on Kim while she rocked the recliner one evening and Mom offered to rock me someday while Dad was gone, something I accepted pretty quickly. I got Mom to rock me for the first time ever two days later. Mom also told me that Dad was fine with the rocking, hence why I was rocked literally right next to him at some point, and he even said he could rock me someday. I don’t think I could do that, though; age regression related stuff is really hard to do around him, and I’d be too worried about his back (he has a bad back).

That month, the day before the rocking part took place, I finally gathered the courage to actually refer to her as “Mommy” on here, along with “Daddy” for Dad. It honestly feels so good to do. I just find it sad I was so scared to use those words at first thanks to the kink/sters. I refer to those two regularly by those titles, mostly to try and reclaim those words as innocent, pure words I call my parents occasionally, rather than terms that are tainted with reminders of ki/nk. Mommy’s easier to use, because I’m closer to Mom than Dad (as of late, that is), and also because “Mommy” isn’t as corrupted as “Daddy”.

I got a Pooh Bear sleeper the day of my second baseball game of the fall season. It’s soft and it makes me feel like a toddler; the only problem is that it’s so easy to overheat in it (which really sucks because I’m hypersensitive to heat and can’t handle getting really hot) and sleepers take up a lot of room in a dresser.

Oh, and this month, Mom called me a nick name she uses for me quite a bit now; “My baby”. Out of all the nicknames I know, I never thought of that. I still melt when she calls me it tbh.

October was a mix, really. I don’t remember a whole lot involving this, really. Rocked by Mom again, got another sleeper, and witnessed Kaiya prove that she was okay with the whole diaper thing by insisting she was fine with it, actually going to the adult diaper aisle with us at Wal-Mart (she stayed a bit away from us, though), and when the cashier bagged the diapers up, she moved so dang fast and had them hidden in no time. I know this because I watched her load other stuff into the cart and she was much more relaxed. I did see her look into the cart at some point before we went to check-out, so perhaps she memorized what the package looked like so she could hide them? Idk if she remembers it or if she’d even want to talk about it, so... Who knows

Towards the end of the month, something began happening. I don’t know what, but it eventually led to me becoming depressed again for a little while, but we’ll discuss that in a few minutes. I discovered I was so indulged in my regression I actually forgot aspects of myself and chose to take a break for a week the next month. I came back feeling better about agere and somewhat better about myself in general. I still don’t understand what happened, but it hasn’t happened again since. Hopefully, it’ll never happen again.

November was a pretty miserable month for me tbh. Has a few good or at least neutral parts, mostly in the beginning, of course. One of these is that I discovered that I can go so deep into my baby mindset (I refer to my 1-year-old self as a baby for brevity) that I’ll chew on things without a thought and well, perhaps that other part’s a bit tmi. I also finally tried out my bottle one evening; very comforting and relaxing.

In the middle of the month, I struggled with accepting that perhaps I did need meds after all (spoiler: I definitely need them) and stress from this, a fixation on childhood trauma, and chores, which were gradually becoming stressful instead of enjoyable, began building up. I began to fall back into a depression, something I was in denial about the entire time.

It was this time that I noticed I was having a harder time regressing, something that was terrifying to me. I was scared that perhaps my regressive side was going dormant; one of my biggest fears is that I stop regressing for good and I was scared that was what was about to happen. That was, until one night, I had an involuntary episode briefly. I didn’t think much of it and went on with my night as normal once it concluded. I don’t know why I didn’t become concerned; involuntary episodes are rare for me, after all. But then, I thought I was about to have a block, so I guess that’s why I thought nothing of it.

I tried my best to cope with everything, but it was futile. One night, just witnessing the dog we were dog-sitting have an accident and having to take all three by myself while they all cried and tried to get out just made me snap, I guess. I fell deeper into my depression, began craving to be an actual baby/young toddler again for the first time in a couple of years, and briefly began having involuntary regression episodes every night. Wearing a diaper to bed and having Small Elephant with me every night for a couple of nights, drinking from my bottle one night, spending more time with my pacifiers, and easing up on everything I could helped pull me out of it.

I still don’t understand what exactly happened, but I hope it never happens again. Also, I guess this confirms that I have involuntary regression episodes when I’m overly stressed. Hopefully the next time this happens, my regressive side will keep me afloat, like it always has.

December was pretty good! I got rocked again by Mom while I was being bottlefed by her, got a new bottle and a toddler snack, and got more toddler snacks later on that day (again, Kaiya moved them to another bag quickly before Mom gave me the bag with them inside). Dad learned about the bottles and snacks and thankfully, is alright with it. I wish it was the same way with diapers. He still doesn’t know about me wearing diapers behind his back, as you probably guessed, and it will stay that way for a while. 

I think I kinda cheated another depressive episode, but? It never came. I was just really grumpy and easily upset for a while, to the point of punching my bed and stomping, which I hardly do (heck, I still am as of right now, but it’s calmed down some). I wish whatever my brain’s doing would stop, because it’s getting rather annoying and I’d rather not spend any longer whining frequently and worrying about getting upset to the point of punching or kicking my closet door off its hinges or something. :’)

Christmas was great; I mostly got big girl gifts (see: My new camera) or at least neutral gifts (see: My stim toys and maybe my Pikachu necklace), but I did get a few things that appealed to my regressive side, like a set of five different Paw Patrol puzzles, a penguin plushie with my name written on its tummy (glitter and everything!), and an Animal Jam playset thing!

To end this year off, I got a sippy cup, one of my most-wanted regression items around that time. Now, if only I could actually bring myself to wash my bottle and sippy cup in the dishwasher (they’re top rack safe)... I guess I can start off the new year washing them after I listen to Bring Me to Life or maybe while I’m listening to it, hee hee hee.

As you can see, I had a pretty wild year full of adventures and experiences! You know what? Why don’t I mention some folks who played a role in making this year the best?

Mom - Mom, I think you know how you’ve helped. You’re literally a big aspect in this post. When I was 12, I thought I’d never have your support about all of this, but now, here we are. You’re my mommy and I’m your baby and I always will be. I love you.

Kai - Sis, I think you see your role here, too. I thought you’d never support me, either, but here we are. Thank you for being cool with the diapers and everything else and always being respectful about it. I love you. Also, sorry for almost drowning us that time

Kim - You don’t get on Tumblr anymore, but I figured you deserved your own spot here, anyways. You haven’t gotten to see a lot, but you’ve still been very supportive of all this. Thank you for being fine with it and loving me for who I am, no matter what I choose to do. I love you. Also, I still can’t get over the fact that you seemed to do so good with little me that one time and you didn’t even know I was regressed at the time and you literally treat me how you treated regressed me all the time, but I still can’t get over it

Ray - You were my first friend who also age regressed. Tbh, I’ve admired ya from afar for like, a year before we started talking, but I was always scared to talk to ya. Thank you for being so supportive, helping me out and offering help for things occasionally. Also, thank you again for the regression moodboard ya made in the past for me! I still think about it a lot, and have looked at it so much that I’m pretty sure I have it ingrained into my brain.

Bug - We haven’t known each other for long, but I wanted to say thank you for taking an interest in me and being my friend. You’re adorable and so sweet (and so is your fursona. I love seeing other people’s fursonas, ahhh). My bumblebee plushie told me to tell you he said hi~

Leah - We haven’t known each other for long, either, but you’ve been so sweet to me the entire time we have. Thank you for the times you’ve checked on me when I didn’t seem to be doing so well. We need more people like you. Honestly, your kindness is goals for me; I’m always wanting to be kind at all times and you’ve got that perfect amount, it seems.

All my other followers - I can’t list all of y’all, so I figured y’all should get your own honorable mention in one go~ Some of you I’ve known almost as long as this blog has been around (6 months!), some of you I’ve only recently gotten to know. I don’t know why y’all followed me, but I appreciate it. Thank y’all for following me, sticking around, and just being all-around cool. Y’all are adorable and lovely and I love y’all (and so is everyone else who got a specific mention. Yes, I love you guys, too).

I think 2017 is the best year for my age regression by far and the best year of my life in general. I’ve learned things, laughed, cried, shook from excitement and fear, grinned, and stimmed in many different ways for many different emotions. I can finally be myself without feeling as much shame. An autistic, ADHD teenage girl who is occasionally in diapers and often feels more like a little girl than a teenager sure is an interesting thing to be, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I don’t know what 2018 could bring, but I am ready for whatever it throws at me, whether it be pie (fun fact: I have never eaten pie before), problems with other people about this, or a pack of diapers.

To all my fellow age regressors, I hope 2018 brings you lots of happiness, acceptance for who you are by others and yourself, and anything you may want for your regressive side, whether it be more toys, a sippy cup, or a lot of marathons for your favorite cartoon/anime/TV show. Even if it’s hard for you right now, it will get easier; I promise.

Happy new year!! Stay little/tiny/smol.

[thisnerdsadventures]

how operating systems went for me

the beginning

In the beginning, there was doubt. And fear. But mostly doubt, because I “sort of” knew C, and I could /kind of/ figure out page tables, and I took the prereq for the class, so it shouldn’t be that bad? Well, I was expecting it to be bad, but absolutely nothing worse than 046 right? because that was known to be the worst of CS at this school, so nothing could be worse than that....right?

Wrong. WRONG! First class I was like, ah you know, i know Linux. I’ve OPENED A FILE BEFORE. I know what a FILE DESCRIPTOR IS. (wrong. i truly did not know what a file descriptor was, in all of its essence.) If you read my Admissions post, you’d know that my life was in the process of being truly wrecked by my paper revisions, so I wasn’t able to start on the first lab until the weekend, and it took me around an hour to do the first exercise, which was really one solid line of code, and I was like well ok, there’s only like five exercises, shouldn’t be too bad.

WRONG AGAIN! the last exercise will forever be engraved in my brain as xargs because it took me and my friend K a solid TEN HOURS. to do the last exercise. JUST THE LAST ONE. It was the first time in maybe like a year I went to an office hours. I had never spent so long thinking about recursion in my life. I have really vivid memories of sitting at the rooftop garden with K at the poolside chairs near the Marriott staring back at the googz office, tear streaming down my face, as I thought ahead about whether I should drop the class early. (ok it wasn’t this dramatic, but I was definitely staring longingly at the coffee baristas through the window.)

And after we finished the lab, we thought, oh maybe this is just a poor learning curve. Maybe it gets better from here.

the crisis begins

*say it with me this time* WROOOOONG - we really thought the next lab would be better because it seemed like the last exercise of the last lab, but slightly expanded. but L o L! we had spent a solid five hours with no progress up until like 3am, when I lied in bed in the dark and panic emailed my advisor, asking to meet the next day. There is a calendar event in my calendar called Cry to John (john’s my advisor). I spent perhaps the entire next day up until my meeting at 4pm working on the lab, making a bit more progress after going to office hours. During my meeting, I relayed how hard the class had been so far, and whether I should drop it to the undergrad version of the class, and it got to the point where I was just like “but its just. SO HARD” and he replied “....it’s a grad class dude”

After I returned home, I consulted my head of house and he also suggested I either drop the class or drop it to the undergrad version. I really was like “lol my dude, I’m already only on 42 units, I can’t really just drop this class. it’s already like two and a half weeks into the semester.” So I ended up dropping it to undergrad status.

A few more late nights pulled because I *surprise* have OTHER CLASSES other than this one, and I still ended up staying up til nearly 3am the night before career fair finishing up the lab. A total of more than 20 hours spent on this lab, and I thought, maybe just maybe this would be the hardest lab.

And the next lab wasn’t too bad. I had spent a solid 12 hours on it, but got it done pretty efficiently. Unfortunately, it was still the time in the semester where I was doing like 1923819238 things and catching up with 1928319238 people, so it felt overwhelming, but wasn’t /that/ bad. so i thought things were turning up! I also met up with my old googz team at around this point and told them that it was a hell class, and they relayed their sympathies.

lazy_alloc

So was it in fact, getting better? WRONGGGGGG. the next lab was perhaps the WORST LAB OF THE ENTIRE CLASS. By this point, we had hit the first week of october, and I had deleted instagram off my phone in an attempt to better focus on classes. due to other things happening, like various house gov events, an 18.06 exam, and another pset, I was only able to put in around 6 hours of office hours time on this lab before Wednesday night, where K and I quickly realized that this shit was no joke, unlike the last lab. We had also met our other friend at office hours who would become the third member of our group chat kalloc==0 (iykyk), and we befriended her after including her in our sarcastic comments about lazy allocation. It was maybe four hours into an all-nighter that we went to Verdes, realized Verdes was closed, and proceeded to sit on the floor of the student center and yell about how hard this class was.

It was then like 5am, and I decided to sleep and wake up in the morning to look at it again. It was then 8:30 am, and then it was 12pm, and then it was 4pm, and I had mandatory class. My friend passed me in Stata and asked how i was, and i replied “look at me. LOOK AT ME”

It was then 6pm. I had spent 20 hours of the past 24 hours doing this lab. and the most extraordinary thing happened -- I got the OK. I cried. I weeped. I texted my friends and let them know I was alive. And I slept for a long time.

exam szn

Ok truly, things could not get that much worse after this right? WRONGGGGGG. the first exam was just around the corner! After maybe a week of rest, I started the grind, a painful realization that I knew nothing, I did not truly know what a page table was, I had no idea how a system call worked, and the throwing shit at the wall style of doing the labs was indeed going to catch up with me. It was the long weekend, but I was still studying 4-6 hours a day on top of everything else I was doing, and many nights in the student center were spent in sadness. I barely remember anything from this caffeine/adrenaline fueled week. And I got a whopping 40% on the exam! yay me

All I remember after the exam was crying from shock in Stata after the exam because it was so hard, eating too much at hot pot and nearly throwing up in the Uber, and almost punching a hole in the ceiling because I was so happy that my score was not single digits. I was actually so tired after a week of studying nonstop that I had to S^3 one of my other psets because I legitimately could not think nor read. My friend was then like why dont you just yeet to new york for a break, and i was like who in the right mind would do that??? and then i yeeted to new york (as you can read about in another post of mine). Truly an amazing decision because I really needed a break from that craziness. After that, the learning curve did chill a little. My life though? no, I went to Princeton for a hackathon, stayed up all night doing stuff for our party, and then managed to finish the very last lab of the class right before Thanksgiving break.

the finish line

This brings us to the last week of the semester, where I thank my lucky stars I dropped to the undergrad version of the class, because I watched K suffer through a whole week of all nighters for the final project, in which I definitely would have straight up had a mental breakdown, because that week was still somehow one of the worst weeks of the semester for me (two poster sessions, exam, two week pset). But luckily I was straight up j chilling until the final because i had finished the last lab before break.

obviously, this takes us to last week, which was our finals week, where I spent 40-50 hours over the course of a week just studying for this exam, which features a day where I had done a midterm from 9am-12pm and then proceeded to study from 2pm to 2am for this operating systems class, and I had had three cups of coffee, which I don’t strongly recommend as a life decision. But after much strife and anxiety, I had mustered out a 60/76 on the final exam, which I thought was a solid B, but much to my shock and my other friend’s delight (she checked my class grade for me), I actually somehow got an A after this shit of a class, despite not knowing how to use a pointer 3 months ago, despite trying to survive against grad students, despite having to pour 18239128983x energy into understanding lectures??? somehow. anyways, now i am absolutely sure I have gone through the worst thing you could ever go through in this school. if anything turns out to be harder than this, i’m pretty sure it’s not worth it lol

[caeslxys]

tagged by: @emis!! Thank you this was so much fun I love this stuff

tagging: @fullmetal-the-last-alchemist @arohunk anddd anyone else that’d like to do it I guess!

appearance: 
- I don’t have any pictures of myself on here yet but I actually plan on posting some later so I’ll link them then! - OH and I have red hair and brown eyes bc thinking now those pics are black and white so there’s that 


personality: -Ahh I’ve been told I’m bubbly and nice and really really sarcastic so like my sense of humor can make me sound mean but You’d Be Fooled bc actually I am one of those people that Cannot Say No or Be Outwardly Mean To People Ever. -There are very very little ways to make me dislike you in anyway so if I have a problem w u it’s probably justified tbh 


ability:
 - drawing and writing!! Hopefully 
- I can both stay up till 6 am and sleep til 8 and be perfectly functioning of go to sleep at 6 pm and not wake up until 2 pm the following day and not know wtf is going on - Hand puns. Living w/o a right hand gives you hand jokes For Days and I am both hated and loved for it 


hobbies:
 - Writing and singing and stuff 
 - NAPS 
- Video games (generally stuff like ffxv or legend of Zelda!!) 


experiences: 
- I haven’t really done anything?? I am a Poor Nugget that has lived in the middle of nowhere for most of my life so not much to do 
- I did however get into an art school!! So I’m having a lot of fun w that! - Speaking of art school, I tried to form an animation club thing last year that worked for the most part if the people weren’t lazy and actually cared :// might try and start it back up bc we had some very good story concepts 


relationships: 
- MY FRIENDS R GREAT!! 
 -I don’t have a lot of irl friends tbh..,but the handful I do have I love w my whole heart–I also did a hit of a social media cleansing three or so years ago so ppl I talked to online back then I don’t talk to anymore so I’m out here trying to form more friendships tbh 
- I am entire salty single Pringle 


my life: 
- I am both somehow never asleep and never awake?? 
 - i have played softball from the tender age of since I was born. (There’s a picture of like 3 month old me holding a baby bat I swear) 
- i haven’t ever had a job both bc i live in Mississippi and there’s Nothing and bc my school days go from 7 to 5 so i have no time 
 - My friends and I try and go out to eat like once a week just to hang bc last year we had basically the same schedule and now none of us see each other in class so we’re trying our hardest 


random shit: 
- I injured my left knee playing softball three years ago but never got it treated so I’m just Suffering - my right arm is Fucked, basically. Bends weird and shit and also is constantly in pain but like it makes for good jokes and stories of overcoming my inability to hold a mass amount of objects at once - I made up my first character and drafted my first story when I was ten and I have been working on that same story and characters since (7 years!!! Going on 8 that’s crazy I love my kids!!) 
 - My fave characters are the ones who were WRITTEN to be these tortured souls like their back stories are awful their family was murdered they ran away they’ve been hated all their life but they take all of that hatred and bigotry and instead love people. Like. They learned from their darkness how to be light. Those are my fave characters