#this is also coming from me who has meditates daily for 2 weeks and then forgets and doesn’t for 2 months and then comes back for 2 weeks

[mutalune]

one of the funniest things about star wars fic is that you can very clearly tell when an author has no clue what meditation actually is

[waitmyturtles]

Pain, Suffering, and Narratives in Some Asian Dramas/BLs (An Utterly Un-Scholastic, Highly Personal Big Meta)

I’ve been meditating on the topic of pain and suffering in dramas over the last few weeks, as conversations across Tumblr have been taking place regarding the success (or not) of the Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars episodes. I can’t help but connect these thoughts to some of the fabulous older shows I’ve been watching in my Old GMMTV Challenge watchlist project, where I’m catching up on older Thai BLs in order to better understand the fabulous works that we’re seeing airing now. This Big Meta in part comes out of my having just watched He’s Coming To Me and Dark Blue Kiss, but I was also very deeply inspired by a Japanese BL that many of us here have fallen in love with, Our Dining Table, that features a poignant moment recognizing that feeling pain is a necessity in feeling love for another person -- that accepting pain and suffering is a part of the life we decide to live, from an Asian cultural perspective.

I’m using some big generalities here, so let me explain where I’m coming from. During certain large portions of my life, I’ve explored either becoming a Buddhist, or at least practiced Buddhism, particularly Zen Buddhism. While the world of Western capitalism has unfortunately taken up the majority of my current time/life, I do still have a desire to learn more about the history of Buddhism and try to incorporate some kind of practice in my daily life.

The reason why I offer that caveat is that a core of teaching in at least the spaces of Buddhism that I’ve been privy to, is the recognition of pain and suffering in one’s life. Suffering is a core tenet of Buddhism, one of the Four Noble Truths, and one that a human being does good deeds or makes merit in light of (as we see quite often in our beloved BLs) in order to receive “good” karma for a happy existence in this life or the next. (Again, mad generalizations here, but you get the point.)

I’ve been thinking about this because I often wonder if us Western viewers (I count myself as one, as an Asian-American) are too demanding for linear, clean, direct, and/or happy communication, narratives, and endings, particularly in the realm of Asian BLs, in regards to either romantic love and/or love from one’s nuclear parents/family. I think about this very much in the context of the Asian BL genre, where queerness -- as accepted, OR NOT, in Asian societies, friend groups, and families -- may indicate an existence that is not necessarily a happy one. 

There are other issues by way of demands from fans that often determine the outcome of a BL script, such as shipper demands for overtly sexual content. What I’m proposing here is that, in my opinion, some of the best dramas/BLs from Asia are rooted in a reflection and acceptance of the tenets of suffering as a natural part of Asian life and, subsequently, Asian art. I further propose that because of that acceptance of suffering, that we — Western viewers — are often left potentially feeling unsatisfied or unfulfilled by a particular ending of a drama. I posit that the linear/binary/clear outcomes that Western audiences so often demand are limiting in comparison to the non-binary, non-linear journeys and conclusions of art that Asian filmmakers can reach in their work, vis à vis à general cultural understanding that pain and suffering are a part of daily life.

Before I give a drama example, let me use one from real life, that is so very often reflected in art: filial piety. I wrote about filial piety quite a bit in my reviews of Double Savage, a non-BL from Thailand that focused on the plight of a discarded son who was judged by his father as a jinx.

When I try to explain to Western friends that Asian parental love is very often conditional (I myself have experienced it, and my experiences mirror those of my friends), I experience a lot of denial.

“There is NO WAY your parents don’t love you.”  “There is NO WAY your parents will ever give up on you. Even if they treat you badly, they love you.”  “In the West, we ALWAYS end up loving our children. That’s what society demands of PARENTS. We’re CONDITIONED to be like that.”

A major cultural competency issue that Western therapists face with Asian clients is when Western therapists say to Asian clients who are having family issues, “why don’t you just talk to your parents about what you’re feeling?” Talking to Asian parents about a child’s feelings, in MANY instances, is not realistic. The language of that kind of emotion may not even exist. AND, there are unspoken social boundaries AGAINST children having those conversations with their parents in the first place. To have those conversations would very well ROCK the foundation on which Asian families are structured.

My parents may love me — the dad in Double Savage mayyyy have loved his son? — but an Asian parent like that, so rooted in their JUDGEMENT AGAINST an offspring, will often not budge. Time and time again, my Asian friends and family will talk about how they felt unloved as a child -- especially if their skin was darker, if their siblings were more successful in school, if they were a middle child, etc. VERY often, our Asian parents don’t know what us children do by way of work -- my parents don’t know anything about my work, for instance.

The Western perspective and social demands for a STYLE of loving one’s children in a very particular, involved, and empathic way -- those cultural expectations don’t necessarily exist in Asia. So we see parents like, say, Non’s father in Dark Blue Kiss; or Korn’s father in Double Savage; or ESPECIALLY Uea’s mom in Bed Friend, a fantastic example of an Asian parent who takes PERSONALLY every aspect of her son’s social and sexual “differences,” blames him for those differences, and accuses him of ruining HER life vis à vis how he was born to be the way that he is.

And yet, at least for Korn and Uea -- we see those children, for the majority of their dramas, continuing to devote themselves to their parents. Because filial piety -- the Asian cultural and social demand for RESPECTING one’s parents above all else -- is existent and EXPECTED of almost EVERY living Asian, no matter where you live on the continent or your various diasporas. 

The equation is: even if you suffer at the hands of your parents, even if you don’t receive unconditional love and empathy from your parents, you must sacrifice in order to respect and serve your parents. You can imagine how much therapy even one individual would need to process that -- if that individual even ALLOWED themselves to think about what was happening, which oftentimes doesn’t even happen. 

I’m not saying that filial piety EQUALS suffering. What I’m saying is that the practice of filial piety will almost always ASSUME a level of suffering that one must undertake to participate in the practice of honoring one’s parents.

Where I felt this *assumption* most strongly and recently was in my viewings of three Aof Noppharnach shows: He’s Coming To Me, Dark Blue Kiss, and Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars, but I think Double Savage and Bed Friend also fall into this category as well. Very quickly:

1) HCTM was rooted in storytelling around the practice of Thai-Chinese Buddhism. Thun’s suffering was apparent: he was fatherless, he was gay, and could see ghosts. AS WELL, Med’s suffering was that he didn’t know how he had died, and why he was being held in purgatory before moving on to his next life. 

2) Dark Blue Kiss was rooted in internalized homophobia. My big review of DBK is coming next week, but quickly, between the two main couples (PeteKao and SunMork), you had internalized homophobia playing various roles of emotional INTERPLAY, that AFFECTED the external emotional demonstrations of the character -- particularly in Pete, who was viscerally working on becoming a calmer person, but was triggered by Kao’s internalized homophobia to not be open about their relationship, and Pete’s jealousy subsumed him. DBK is the only show I’m mentioning here that has a clean happy ending for all couples involved, but more on that in a second.

3) OS2 x BBS x ATOTS, on the Pat and Pran side, was rooted in a clear but indirect conflict between Pat and Pran about openness and independence. If Pat and Pran had been open about their relationship (à la Pete and Kao) -- would Pat have needed to sound tough to his engineering friends that Pran *depended* on Pat to close loops? And on the Tian and Phupha side -- there is plenty we don’t know about Phupha’s past to make judgements, but I think it’s safe to say that he grew up in such a rural environment in Thailand as to make him assume that coming out and meeting his partner’s parents was an non-reality for the majority of their relationship, until the end of the OS2 series. The journey to get to the point of the ring was a tough one, particularly for Tian, who wanted more openness.

4) Both Double Savage and Bed Friend seem to end happily, especially for Uea and King in Bed Friend. But: Uea loses his parent. Yes -- he NEEDED to lose his mom, because of how toxic she was. But from an Asian family structure perspective -- he only has his sister by the end of that traumatic journey, which is not necessarily an IDEAL or complete ending. The bonds among Korn, Win, and Rung are permanently affected by the behavior of Korn and Win’s dad in Double Savage. The ending is a copacetic one -- they have survived, and will learn to survive together, after all the trauma they have lived through. But it’s not necessarily a HAPPY one. Both of these endings do not necessarily reflect the holistic ideal of the Asian family structure.

I emphasize all of this because, as I said earlier: I think a Western demand to CLOSE LOOPS in Asian dramas is unrealistic.

In Asian life (big generalization, but let me roll with it): you are angry at your parents, and you process it internally, very often without any help, and after a couple days, things go back to the way they were. The children do not demand change from their parents.

In OS2 x BBS, what I DIDN’T SEE -- and, from this framework, what I argue that I DIDN’T *NEED* TO SEE -- were any clarifying conversations between Pat and Pran about how either of them would CHANGE for their relationship. The biggest confession we got was Pat telling Pran, “without you, there is no me,” and Pran quietly agreeing (thank you to @lurkingteapot and @dimplesandfierceeyes for the incredible post on the improved translation of “I can’t live without you”).

But throughout the episodes, we saw their existence together, and arguably, their conditions -- how each of them has organized himself to comport to the other’s immediate needs. How Pran’s larger burden of keeping in the closet to keep his nuclear family structure stable kept them from being totally out, and how Pran designed fibs to be able to have at least one public demonstration of love between him and Pat on stage. They know they cannot solve intergenerational trauma in the span of a series. They’re still closeted two years later. And throughout all of this: how Pat digests Pran’s needs, and keeps his (Pat’s) own needs for openness at bay. We know he feels pain, too, when he makes his confession to Pran in Pha Pun Dao. We know he’s watching Pran as Pran hesitates to put on the bruise cream.

I feel that Pat’s acceptance of this existence is both heart-rending and utterly beautiful from the perspective of seeing Aof’s work as *Asian* art. I feel like, as an Asian, that I KNOW, that PAT KNOWS, what Pran has to lose. Pran has A LOT to lose. And so, Pat -- instead of demanding for outing and openness -- will hold what Pran needs him to hold. He knows when Pran is grumpy, and needs to be grumpy. And Pran’s got a lot to deal with. He’s got so much that he’ll need to go to Singapore, likely to get separation from his mother -- and that will result in him and Pat being separated (and I’m intentionally not analyzing Pran’s need for space from Pat here, but I think we can safely argue that, too, as Pat’s helpful attitude may smother Pran at times) (and there’s also the issue of the nuclear pain that Pat himself may feel at losing trust in his father for his father’s past foibles). 

After the OS2 episodes, I didn’t need to know THE REASONS, the stark REASONING for why Pran needed to go to Singapore -- because, indirectly, it was already very clear to me that these young men were already holding tremendous burdens. Singapore, for Pran AND for Pat, could have ultimately been a motivator for growth. But I don’t need to know this. All I know is that they continue to have various levels of pain that they will be dealing with in their nascent adult lives.

While Dark Blue Kiss ULTIMATELY had happy endings -- how it got there was PAINFUL. Kao was ROOTED in fear that he would upend his family’s stability, while being the breadwinner. He was held back by extremely traditional role expectations of an older son. And he had no communication with his mother about straying from those roles. Pete’s dad served as the first -- and, I’d argue, maybe BL’s first -- paradigm-breaker as a parent, being SO open about his son’s queerness as to encourage healthy sex practices. But what I argue in this thesis is that up until the very last, bitter end, Kao was relegated to ASSUME that he would live in pain. His expectation was that Pete would ride with him. Pete couldn’t take it anymore and bubbled over. And Kao was forced to make a decision, for Pete’s sake, literally, to BE open, and to save the relationship. That shit ain’t easy.

Lots of folks who have read my posts on this site know that I appreciate a good Asian drama rooted in family and/or community trauma, like 10 Years Ticket. It’s the way in which Asian filmmakers depict this trauma that speaks very much to my life, my culture, and my viewpoint on what’s realistic in this world, and how that reality can be depicted in art. What I’ve found in watching Asian dramas is... I don’t always want clean endings. I don’t always want loops closed.

Sometimes, Asian kids can’t talk to their parents (Pran, Kao). If you grow up like that, you don’t immediately learn the language of intimacy for your family members, your friends, your lovers (Pran’s struggles after BBS/ep5, Thun’s coming out and not knowing the words for it). It might be EASY, or culturally UNQUESTIONABLE, to not argue with your parents about the ways in which they engage with their children (Korn, Win, Pran). Sometimes, to make a break in order to survive, you need to leave a toxic family member behind, which is NOT an ideal scenario (Uea). 

Sometimes, you lose the love of your life (Ueda-san in Our Dining Table). Sometimes, you fall in love with someone — and you find that you can’t *exist* without them (Pat to Pran). And you have to live with the pain. I might even posit that the risk of that pain makes the love you have, either for the person living or the person passed, that much more meaningful to you.

I watch Asian dramas because I don’t feel like Asian filmmakers are subject to the Western demand to clean up all emotionally questionable loose ends. This is not When Harry Met Sally. Harry and Sally should have only remained friends, and not gotten married -- even Nora Ephron and Rob Reiner knew that -- but they also realized that Western audiences would not accept such an ending.

“The script initially ended with Harry and Sally remaining friends and not pursuing a romantic relationship because she felt that was "the true ending", as did Reiner. Eventually, Ephron and Reiner realized that it would be a more appropriate ending for them to marry, though they admit that this was generally not a realistic outcome.”

If I don’t get clean clarity in Asian dramas, I’m okay with it. My mind switches to the pain POV, that relativity mindset. Everyday life in Asian cultures can handle the weight of the painful and sufferable unknown. And that’s why I love these shows. 

And, OF COURSE, not ALL Asian dramas are like this! Cherry Magic ended wonderfully. Old Fashion Cupcake ended beautifully. KinnPorsche ended sexily, if not a little confusedly (are they related? kinda? or not? whatever?). Minato’s Laundromat ended happily -- although we’ll see their relationship pain points in the upcoming second season. And we see relationship pain points in the ongoing drama of Shiro and Kenji’s relationship in What Did You Eat Yesterday -- all while they share their happy nightly meals together at their kitchen table.

Life is complicated. I posit that Asian dramas, for my taste, satisfaction, and cultural relativity, do a much better job at depicting that complicatedness than the West can ever do, and that’s why I stand so often on my soapbox to encourage Western viewers to understand these Asian cultural touchpoints more -- to learn about how we’ve accepted pain and suffering as an automatic given in our Asian lives, from our cultures, our spiritual practices, and from living amongst each other.

[philipr05]

day one - finding guidance

hi, anyone who finds my blog.. a friend recommended tumblr to me, and the idea of having a blog sounds really nice! i'll try to post every night around this time with daily thoughts and stuff.

today was a hard day. not because i had a lot to do, but because it's just hard to think about where my life is going, and what my future holds. my grades are a mess, school isn't going so great, and it all feels like it's crashing down all at once..

it's hard to find balance in a world that moves a thousand times quicker than you can. it's hard to live up to expectations that are placed on you by the society we live in. it's hard to keep your head up high.

in this kind of world, scripture can provide a lot of guidance

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

when thinking about how i could possibly find guidance from anywhere in such a crazy world, this verse is something i can think of- easy to remember, and one of the first verses i learned as a young child. everytime i turn to God's word, i feel comforted. but yet i feel guilty or sad. why?..

i feel as though my relationship with the Lord is one sided. i don't always live in a way according to the way God wants me to live, and i feel i am not deserving of the love and compassion he has to offer. it's hard to lead a life that is in accordance with God. it's even harder when i've have tried to find the Lord so many times- but just can't feel the connection between Him and i. faith becomes thin, and it's easy to go astray.

the thing about any relationship is the idea of putting in as much work as the other entity. God loves and cares for me, so in return, i have to find ways in my own life to praise and acknowledge him. a goal i have for myself is to find time in my life where i can build my relationship with Him. praying and talking with him, meditating on His Word, attending church more often and making it a priority- those are things that i wish i can do more. and by doing those things i hope i can finally find that click in my relationship with the Lord, and be comforted in his guidance.

spiritual life is hard to maintain, but the promise that God provides is worth more than anything.

~

lately, i've been getting more and more into the world of classical music. i find that classical music conveys richer emotions in ways that lyrical music just cannot. bach cello suite no. 6 in D major has been up on my charts recently.. rachmaninov piano concerto no.3 and brahms symphony no. 2 are also recent favs. i want to make music a bigger part of my life. i don't want to go far as majoring in it in college, but recently i've come to realize it's something i never want to give up. i play in a youth orchestra now, and i hope i can continue to play in an orchestra when i go to college in a year and a half. playing the viola, i've found, has helped me become a more *characteristic* human being, it allows me to be more expressive and free with my emotions. i never want to let that go.

~

i recently went to go eat korean bbq with some of my friends. its always a super cool vibe- grilling the meat with kpop playing in the background. it rlly doesn't get much better than that.

other than that this long weekend has been all eat, sleep, and practice. concert in one week, and tons of tests and hw coming up.

in conclusion, i really need to find that balance and guidance in my life. i need to put in more work in order to be a better person, to build my spiritual life, and to become happier.

there's a long week ahead but i'm going to approach it head on with some grit. summer is right around the corner..

with sincerity 💌, philip, 2/21/23, 02:24:00

[dailyaudiobiblechronological]

12/27/2022 DAB Chronological Transcription

2 John 1, 3 John 1

Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible Chronological, I'm China. Today is the 27th day of December, welcome. It is so great to be here with you today. We're inching closer and closer and closer to the end of this year. And I hope that it's been a great year for you, as you've had a few moments to reflect or have had lots of moments to reflect and just ponder, wondered all what the Lord has done in your life, and how the Bible has really affected your life this past year and what the Lord has really shown you and highlighted and done for you. And I pray that you are really meditating on that and really feasting on that and setting your eyes on above, and that we end this season in this year well and we go into the next one with good hearts and ready to receive what the Lord has for us. So today we are in the book of second John, chapters one, and then we are also in third John, chapter one, and we continue on with the New International Version for this week.

Commentary

Something that I've consistently noticed again and again is that the greetings from these men who are writing these letters, whether it be John or Simon, Peter or Paul, the greetings that they give are so genuine. They're so genuine and they're so beautiful. I love that it's always grace, mercy and peace and maybe sometimes more than likely, there's also love thrown in there too and just saying, may that be with you, that's a big deal. You know, we wouldn't say, hey, I hope hatred and, you know, malice and let's throw in a little bit of jealousy. I hope those are all doing well with you. Like, I just wish them on you. That would feel like a big deal, right, if someone said that. But someone's bringing grace, peace and mercy and joy and love may that be with you. I feel like that's so beautiful. It encourages me to extend that more. And of course it may sound weird, but also that's okay. I think it could become a thing if you're not already, maybe you're someone who's like, I've been doing that my whole life, great. That's amazing. The other day, Ben and I were at church and someone came up to us and asked like, hey, how are you guys? Everything well, everything doing great. And I was like, okay, I'm not going to pause because I don't know what I want to say, but because I actually want to think about it and not just give you a generic response. And I was like, yes, actually, things have been great. Like, hasn't been a really crazy Christmas season. Like, it honestly has been very enjoyable and just getting to really enjoy it as parents. We enjoyed it as parents last year, but we're just trying to figure it all out. And Reagan was so still so tiny and now this year there's just a lot more of like, establishing and it's just been really enjoyable and I just felt like because I wasn't giving a robotic answer and I thought about it, I was able to be genuine. And so I just love that these letters just come from a genuine place. And I feel like when you're saying, let there be grace, let there be mercy and let there be peace, from God the Father and from Christ Jesus the Father's Son, be with you in truth and in love, I feel like you're going to be pretty receptive to anything that they're going to say after that. I would because John is talking about, listen, we need to talk. I want you to learn what love is. And now I want you to walk in love, walk in obedience and know that that is love and that God is love. And I just have been really enjoying John's letters and the sweetness and the tone that he has that is just like, understand who God is, understanding who Jesus is, and understand that the commandments that we have are valid and we should take them seriously and they are to love. And so I love that. May we walk in that today and forevermore.

Prayer

And so Jesus, I thank you for these men and their ways that they wrote and the ways that they thought and the ways that they heard from you. And God, I just pray that we would be people who choose to trust in you and the fact that you used them and that you spoke through them. And I pray that we would learn to love and that we would learn to receive love and to give it. God, may we enter into spaces and bring your peace, your joy, your mercy and grace and love. And may we also deposit it, may we be committed to bringing that about not just in the holiday season, but also just in the mundane as we're going and coming as we are in conversations and just in our own thoughts and communicating with others. And pray, Lord, that you would be glorified and magnified in it all. And it's in your name we pray, amen.

Announcements

Dailyaudiobible.com is our website that is a place of connection. Be sure to check that out. And if you have prayer requests and things that we as a community can come along the side of you and encourage you and pray over you, it's so necessary and it's so needed. So if you are needing that, then let us come alongside of you, and to do that. So you can call in at 800-583-2164. And if you listen through the app, you can also do that as well. But that is all for today. I'm China, I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer Line

Hello, everyone at Daily Audio Bible Chronological. My name is Heather and I'm from Regional Victoria in Australia. I just wanted to send in a message to thank firstly, China and Jill for your ministry through this program. At the end of last year, I was inspired by a friend who had finished reading the Bible chronologically and I loved the idea of doing it, but couldn't see myself managing to sit down and be still enough to read every day. But I discovered your audio program and thought that that would work perfectly with my morning walks and who would have thought that I would jump out of bed every morning at six excited to be walking and in the word of God. And it's just been such an amazing part of my year. I've learned so much, I've had questions answered and more questions created and I can't wait to repeat it all again next year with you all. I love the thought that as I am listening here in Australia and praying through the prayer requests as they happen because I'm in that different time zone that people in other parts of the world at other times would be praying those same requests and that there would just be this endless flow of prayer and time spent together that just happens continually all day. So I just thank you very much for this program, for everyone who contributes in so many ways and I pray that you will all have a very merry and a very blessed Christmas from Australia. Love to you all bye.

This is under construction and I just heard back from the apartment complex and we're approved. My husband and I are going to have our own home for the very first time ever since the day we met and God is just so amazing. Literally, you guys, we have to be out of the house by the end of this month. The move in isn't until January, so we got it extended. But like I could not tell you how many times the devil just attacked the whole situation and just made it seem so hopeless what if and I just kept on holding on like, no God, you are bringing this all together, you're going to make this all happen. You are the one moving us forward into this and just really tried to dig into the word of God and his promises. It has been really hard fighting the devil and just all of his just crap, but I just want to tell everybody that just hang in there because when things just feel so bleak and hopeless and scary, they're not always and just thank you everyone for all of your prayers. Thank God is truly just phenomenal because there is no way this could happen without him. Blessings, everyone.

Christmas greetings, my Daily Audio Bible, wonderful Chronological family. All right, this is Chicago peg and calling in to pray for Adrian from Maryland, god's mighty tortus. It really touched my heart when I heard your request and okay, that Maxi need you and Megan, Jared need you. Adrian, I'm lifting my prayer together even with all the DABbers for your travel back and forth to Baltimore and back to Boston, and probably will have traveled by the time you hear this. And yet, in God's perfect, omnipotent timing, I'm lifting my prayer for safe travels and for God's shalom peace to be with you, that you don't be anxious, Adrian, and that God will give you a calm heart, and everything in his purpose will be accomplished through you. And this is my prayer and my belief, and we trust in Him and just come together praising God and lifting you up, Adrian, and your family. Be safe and be blessed. And I just love you very much. And to all the DABbers and to the Harden family, I want to say I'm really enjoying my first year of the DAB Christmas party. This is my first time partaking in that, and now I'm listening to it each day. I just keep playing it over, through and through, just different parts of the day, and it really blessed me so much. So praise God, for the Harden family. All right, chicago signing off. God bless each of you. Amen.

[the-good-projxct]

April 1st, 2024

8:52 pm Sitting in my bed with dangler, the sloth in Karen. Listening to are you that somebody by Aaliyah. My daily writing and daily meditations have not been as consistent but it is what it is. I realize my life is not consistent. I basically live between two homes and writing under those dynamics is tricky. But also, I just don’t feel settled so that could be adding to not writing but also this may be excuses because I was less settled in Nov and Dec yet I wrote daily. Honestly, I don’t want to come here with guilt because I am not writing daily. I am just glad that I am writing. I was with Munene most of the week. Just chilling, cooking, eating, movies, reading, cuddling and all that cute jazz. I came back to Karen yesterday and I am ready to leave already. Not that there is drama but because there is chaos. There's 3 little boys under 7, elders, staff, my mom, Shaka and visitors. It’s just a lot to go from two people to 12 people in a house. And since it was Easter weekend, guests were around yesterday and today. It was nice to come over, I do miss this place when I am away but as soon as I get back I am like okay, let's leave now Bb. Honestly, I can do 2-3 days here and the rest elsewhere. And I know I will always come over on Sundays because my grandma is home all day. Maybe friday-monday could be my schedule here for life. Some Days feel overwhelming. Who am I here? What am I doing? Where is this going? Then I remember, I belong to the Universe and the Universe is in control. I just need to be present and be here for the journey. It is hard especially when life feels/is so different right now. But I have Faith. I know what Creator has done for me. I know where Creator has led me from. I know and trust that whatever Creator has in store for me is what was meant to be and is all that can be. We’re socialized to think it's  “easier/safer” to take control and try to scheme the outcomes of our lives but really when I/we trust the Universe the outcomes are always beautiful and mind blowing. It was Easter Sunday so lots of family were around. It was nice to see some cousins on my mom’s side as well. I went to the mall with KaMami, we were supposed to go to a baby shower but it was ending so we went to the mall and spent time together instead. That was nice. Then I came home and mostly chilled. Today there was family as well, I chatted with some Aunties and cousins. KaMami made a feast so we ate ribs, gizzards, mashed potatoes, cabbage and fruit salad. It was nice to sit at the table all together. Okayyy spotify AI Dj, thanks for the prank! The only prank of the day. Anyway, after food, I came upstairs for a bit then went to the farm with lil Dash. Baario released a rabbit and Dash chased it AND caught it. We came back and I talked to Munene for like 2 hrs on the phone. Then I went down, chilled for a bit, and chatted with SweSwe and Moka wa Mwiti. I had lunch leftovers and did my bedtime routine. Now I am sitting in bed. I want to read but also, I am sleepy. I was sleepy last night when I got into bed but I stayed and tossed and turned till 5am. I had such weird dreams. It’s like my conscience had entered a soldier's body, a soldier that was deflecting from the american military complex. He was being fed seeds that you would put in water and they would turn into eggs, there were gas chambers and the rift valley. It was weird. Unsettling. Anyway, I am here. I am me. I am Gøod. Life is Gøod. Ase.

[juliansummerhayes]

Daily diary: Saturday, 11 May 2024

“Spiritual life is not mental life. It is not thought alone. Nor is it, of course, a life of sensation, a life of feeling – “feeling” and experiencing the things of the spirit, and the things of God.” – Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude

It’s 05:12.

I’m sat here in the kitchen. The sun is peeking out, but not yet risen. I have a cup of coffee poured; the mug that it sits in has a picture of Charles Bukowski smoking. That pleases me – all of it. 

All of it.

I have looked at Tumblr and shared a wonderful Mary Oliver poem from this site.

And I feel (as yesterday) grateful. 

A sort of relaxed grateful, one I inhabit with a light touch. 

I know that ‘this’ won’t last and won’t be forever.

I was told yesterday by Allison and daughter #2 that I was unemployed. Technically I am but I am being paid for the next seven days – the number of days holiday I accrued from the last teeth-gnashing gig that I never took. I also have a job lined up to start a week Monday and so: (a) I don’t feel unemployed, (b) I want to kick back and feel the full width of my seven-odd days before I’m back in the admininstrivia that will order my days, and (c) I feel I’ve earned this period, given that I’ve not taken my foot of the workplace gas for the last six years.

What shall I do today?

I don’t honestly know. See my kids and hopefully speak to daughter #1. I was going to go see her next week but the only day she can fit me in is the same day I’m attending a funeral of someone I once worked with. I’ll go for a walk – I might do something a bit different instead of my loop around South Brent – and undoubtedly I’ll lose myself in the haze of “chores” that need doing around our wee house. There will also be a bit of reading; I want to use the above book as a form of daily meditation. Merton’s favourite book of mine is “New Seeds of Contemplation” which I can highly recommend, alongside any of his work.  And there will be some poetry. Always poetry. 

And then?

Who knows.

The thing is: as you get older, or as I age, I find myself lost in the reverie of the small and quite insubstantial things. That’s code for saying I can sometimes find myself looking at a tree, admiring the view or even grinding coffee by hand and feel I’m touched by a deep spiritual valance.

Anyhow, enough of my rambling ode to the day.

Happy days campers.

Blessings, Julian

PS. Here is a Mary Oliver poem – if you’re not already familiar with her work.

When death comes

When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn; when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut; when death comes like the measle-pox

when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering: what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth, tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

--Mary Oliver

[dailyaudiobible]

6/11/2023 DAB Transcript

1 Kings 8:1-66, Acts 7:51-8:13, Psalm 129:1-8, Proverbs 17:1

Today is the 11th day of June, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I'm Brian. It's great to be here with you today, as we do what we do, gather around the Global Campfire and move forward together. And so, here we are friends. Another brand-new shiny, sparkly week, another reset, another chance to regroup and retell the story of God's goodness in our lives. And the chance to keep moving forward together, and we do that every day, we take another step forward together. This week we will read from the Christian Standard Bible, as we take our steps. And our next step leads us back into the life and times and reign of King Solomon, King David's son. And we pick-up the story with First Kings chapter 8.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word and this brand-new, shiny week that we get to step into, and we have stepped into together. And we ask that the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable to You, our rock, our Redeemer. May we represent You well, may we collaborate with You well, may we walk with You well, may we walk through this week in deep friendship and intimacy, knowing where You are leading and going there with confidence. Come, Holy Spirit, into all of this we ask, in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Prayer and Encouragements:

Hi, Liza, I heard your voice on June 7th, and you just made my day. I want you to know that we are praying every single day for your healing. My son, who is 25-years now, had cancer three times, almost 15 years ago. The doctor told us that he was living his last days, many times, that happened. I just wanted to remind you that the Lord is holding you in the palm of His hands. None of us know when is our time to departure from this world and be in the presence of our Lord. I want you to live fully, making plans for your future, be joyful, the joy that comes from the presence of our Lord Jesus. I want you to know that you are loved and that you are prayed for. I love you, Liza. Many blessings.

Good morning, my name is Carolena. I’m calling into pray, particularly over Kaz. I heard her prayer request a few days ago. And my husband was the one who alerted me to it, since he most often listens to the prayers. I’m also a psychiatry resident and I understand, I’m going through my second year right now. And I do understand the, sometimes the inequalities of these programs and the point of views. And often time, residents aren’t necessarily heard, it’s spoken that we’re heard but in action, we’re not necessarily given that opportunity. So, I pray, Lord, that You continue to show Kaz Your comfort, Your steadiness, how You will come through for her. How this is not going in vain, how You will use this, how You are speaking, not only to her but to everybody around her that is watching. That has ears to hear and eyes to see. Father, we pray that You strengthen her. We pray that she has faith like she’s never had before. And we pray, Lord, that she continues to gird up encouraged that You know that Your word never comes back void, love never fails, and You are the King above all kings, Lord. And in Isaiah somewhere You have said if we cannot stand strong, then You cannot show us what You have in store for us. So, I pray that You gird her up, her legs like iron, her heart like steal, Lord. And that she would put on her armor, every single day. And that she would wait to see what the Lord has in store for her. Because it is sweet. Ephesians 2:10 says that we all have our unique works, let her rejoice in this one, that is …

This message is for Philippians 4:6, Liza. Liza, I want to say, I was so, so, so excited when I heard your voice, when you called and gave us an update. I’m always waiting, anxiously. Although, your verse is to be anxious for nothing. But I think this was a good anxious. As I waited, I was hoping that you would post or call in and I was so happy, like many other DABers, I’m sure, to hear your voice and get an update. I’m happy and grateful that you’re able to be a bit more mobile. And I just pray and ask God, that He would completely heal you, that you would be able to run and not even walk. That you’re able to complete this trip, that you said that’s planned, in the name of Jesus. I just lift you up to Him. And I just pray the grace of God to touch you, that your body, oh God, will be a testimony to the kingdom, the love, the miracle working power of the Lord. I thank you, for calling in. And I ask you to please keep us updated. So many of us are praying for you and believing God, that He can do the impossible. Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your courage, thank you for keeping faithful to Jesus, no matter what. That He will hold your hand. He said He would never leave us, nor forsake us. So, just hold onto that truth. All of us have to hold onto that same truth. We are all either coming out of a challenge, in a challenge or going into one. This is the life that we live, but we are more than conquerors through Christ who strengthens us. Thank you, Liza, for calling. We love you and we look forward to hearing the good news of all the things that God is doing in your life.

Hello, everyone. This is Jay from Tennessee. It’s been a while. I’ve been listening to the Daily Audio Bible for boy, a very long time now. Probably almost ten years or more. I used to call in quite frequently, but I haven’t. But I have been listening to all of you and all the wonderful things that you’ve been saying about me and praying about me over the years. Anyway, I’m calling for Kristina from Oregon. She’s struggling with alcoholism, and I want you to know that that is something that I struggled with for a very long time. But by the grace of God, prayer, I have been sober for almost two years now. So, I want to pray for you because I know that that this is something that God can do for you. It sounds like you’re ready and you want it. So, I pray that you’ll find yourself a support system. I’m not sure if you’re aware of the rooms of AA but they’re very, very helpful for some people. Anyway, let’s take it to the Lord. Heavenly Father, in the precious, Holy and Mighty name of Jesus Christ. God, we bring before You, Kristina from Oregon, this morning. And we think about the many miracles, the many blessings, the many prayers that You have answered, through this wonderful forum, through this amazing campfire. Father, we ask that Your Holy Spirit will come down and ignite a fire with inside this woman of God. That will aid her, that will provide her with the discipline and the fortitude necessary to endure this next stage of her life. Pointing her heart towards You. And we pray all these things, in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen. God bless you sister. And I pray that you are sober and free, in Jesus name. Amen.

[andybondurant]

New Post has been published on Andy Bondurant

New Post has been published on https://andybondurant.com/2023/03/14/habit-hint-2-the-2-minute-commit/

Habit Hint #2: The 2 Minute Commit

Walking with God is a habit. Hearing God is a regular, daily exercise through reading Scripture, praying and meditating on what we read and hear in those times. Notice the fifth and seventh words in the preceding sentence, “regular” and “exercise.” If you want to successfully hear God you must make it a regular practice (or habit) in your life.

Last week, I introduced the first of three hints to develop habits (regular exercise or practice) in your life. Last week, I shared knowing “The Who before the Do.” Everything you do flows out of who you are, so you must define who you want to be in order to create the practices that will lead you there. 

Begin here: Who do you want to be? Every habit tip, trick, or tool flows from first clearly defining who you want to be. If you haven’t read that article, stop, and go read it.

Next week, I’ll share with you “Treat Yo’Self” – a system of rewards to encourage the development of habits you want to see in your life.

This week, I want to give you what might be the most powerful “action” tip to developing habits. First, define who you want to be, but then you need to know the action steps needed to be that person. This hint will help you the most.

It’s the 2 Minute Commit. 

The Gym Guy

I didn’t used to be a “gym guy.” Do you know who I mean? Gym guy or gal is someone who doesn’t feel like their day is complete without a trip to the gym. He may not talk about it, but he obviously goes to the gym and makes it a part of his daily routine. She doesn’t make it a large part of conversation, but she drops hints that she’s on her way to the gym, or just came from the gym.

They don’t just go to the gym, but they also eat healthier than the average person. The gym guy take his physical body serious. They gym gal isn’t afraid to wear more form fitting clothes. They don’t shy away from physical activity. 

Image by Meghan Holmes on Unsplash

Over the last 5-6 years, I’ve been come gym guy. Most weeks see me visit my gym 4-5 times a week for about an hour a day. During that visit, I jump on the elliptical or treadmill for 30 minutes and then rotate through the weight machines for around 20 minutes.

I didn’t used to be gym guy, but I am today.

Gym attendance

As a gym guy, I’ve become aware of the cycle of gym attendance. A few times each year, (usually January and May), I notice a large influx of men and women hitting the gym. It’s been a great study of human nature and habit formation. 

Most of these new gym members will walk in, hop on the treadmill and huff and puff for 15-30 minutes, and then randomly roll through the weight stations for another 30 minutes. Here’s the pattern I see: for several days, maybe even a couple of weeks, these new members won’t miss a day, but something will catch up with them, and they miss a few days. Then the shame hits, so they return for a day or two. And then they’re gone…until next year.

The desire to be in shape for their vacation or just general health is gone. It was replaced by the pain they encountered getting out of bed, standing up from the couch, picking up their child. In just a week or two, they are back to the same old routine of life.

There has to be a better way, right?

The 2 Minute Commit

In James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits, he tells the story of man who was more than 100 pounds overweight. Fed up, he created a picture in his head of the person he wanted to be — gym guy. So this man created a new habit…2 minutes at a time. This is what his schedule would look like:

The man would walk out of his house and jump in his car. He would drive to the gym, get out of his car, and walk into the gym. Once in the gym, he would step onto a treadmill, push the button and start walking. To this point, his routine was no different than the people who I see come and go from my gym. It’s what came next that set him apart.

The man would walk on the treadmill for two minutes…and get off.

That’s it. Two minutes and then he would walk off the treadmill to the door of the gym. He would walk out of the gym, get into his car and drive home. That was his workout for the day. But his procedure was in place because the next day he did the same. The day after he did it again, and he did it again the day after that. In a few weeks, two minutes at a time, the man had created a new habit in his life. Two minutes a day, he became a person who was a gym guy.

From 2 to 3 to 5 to 10 to 30 to 100!

Here’s the true genius behind the 2 Minute Commit. It creates a habit, but the action doesn’t actually end after only two minutes. 

I’ve noticed in my own routine that if I talk myself into starting, I’ll most likely go beyond my own goal of a few minutes. It is true for both my physical life and my spiritual life.

It was true for the guy who committed to walking the treadmill two minutes at a time. After a while, two minutes turned into three minutes and then five minutes. Five minutes turned into 10 and 15 minutes. Before long, the man was walking 20 to 30 minutes, and adding other workout routines to his habit. 

Most important, his 2 minute habit which turned into full workouts day-in and day-out ended in losing over 100 pounds. 

Power in Starting Small.

Starting small is not a new idea. Jesus shared this thought when talking about the Kingdom of Heaven. He consistently used the imagery of a farmer planting seeds (the most commonly referred to found in Matthew 13). But Jesus dove the deepest into the power of small using this parable:

“Jesus said, “How can I describe the Kingdom of God? What story should I use to illustrate it? It is like a mustard seed planted in the ground. It is the smallest of all seeds, but it becomes the largest of all garden plants; it grows long branches, and birds can make nests in its shade.”‬‬

Mark‬ ‭4‬:‭30‬-‭32‬ ‭NLT

Jesus was talking about the Kingdom of God, but it is a principle that extends to your life. Habits, both good and bad, start small. Bad habits usually start off unintentional. Before you know it, that seed of a bad habit has become a full blown tree dominating your life. 

But it is also true of the good habits you desire. When you plant, water and care for the small seeds of a good habit day after day, it become positive, fruit bearing tree. Not only that, but it will provide for the world around you.

Habits that Matter Most

Several years ago, I started the habit of journaling. I didn’t know about the 2 Minute Commit principle, so I blindly stumbled into its benefits. Over the years, I had tried journaling without success, so I made it as easy as possible. I committed to journal several times a week about life goals for just a few, brief minutes. 

I didn’t go too deep. It wasn’t too long. Over time, journaling about my goals turned into recording things God showed me as I read scripture. And it wasn’t just a brief few minutes. It has become 30-45 minutes most every day. 

I’ve come to enjoy and even desire a daily physical workout, but I can live without them. I can’t live without connecting with Jesus on a daily basis. A few years ago, an off day meant not reading or connecting with God at all. Now, an off day is reading scripture without journaling and meditation. Today, almost every day of my life has a minimal connection with God. 

I need Jesus daily.

It is a habit that matters most in my life. It grows me internally like the mustard tree Jesus talked about in Mark 4. My habit of reading, journaling, meditating, praying is creating within me true life — both within me and for those I encounter on a daily basis.

I don’t grow without a habit. Habit doesn’t happen without a 2 Minute Commit. The 2 Minute Commit doesn’t happen without knowing who I want to be — a person known by God.

That is me. Ask yourself:

Who do you want to be?

What habit do you need to create in your life to allow you to be that person?

How can you scale that habit to make it as easy as possible?

What is your 2 Minute Commit?

[tpanan]

My Saturday Daily Blessings

November 26, 2022

Be still quiet your heart and mind, the LORD is here, loving you talking to you...........    

Saturday of the Thirty-fourth Week in Ordinary Time (Roman Rite Calendar) Lectionary 508, Cycle C

First Reading: Revelation 22:1-7

John said: An angel showed me the river of life-giving water, sparkling like crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the street, On either side of the river grew the tree of life that produces fruit twelve times a year, once each month; the leaves of the trees serve as medicine for the nations.

Nothing accursed will be found anymore. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will look upon his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. Night will be no more, nor will they need light from lamp or sun, for the Lord God shall give them light, and they shall reign forever and ever.

And he said to me, “These words are trustworthy and true, and the Lord, the God of prophetic spirits, sent his angel to show his servants what must happen soon.” “Behold, I am coming soon.” Blessed is the one who keeps the prophetic message of this book.

Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 95:1-2, 3-5, 6-7ab

"Maranatha! come Lord Jesus!"

Verse before the Gospel: Luke 21:26

R: Alleluia, Alleluia

"Be vigilant at all times and pray that you may have the strength to stand before the Son of Man."

R: Alleluia, Alleluia

**Gospel: Luke 21:34-36

Jesus said to his disciples: “Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy from carousing and drunkenness and the anxieties of daily life, and that day catch you by surprise like a trap. For that day will assault everyone who lives on the face of the earth. Be vigilant at all times and pray that you have the strength to escape the tribulations that are imminent and to stand before the Son of Man.”

Meditation:

Is there anything holding you back from the joy and freedom of the Lord? God wants our hearts for him and for his kingdom of peace, joy, and righteousness (Romans 14:17). But our hearts can be weighed down by many different things. Jesus, our Lord and Master, offers us true freedom - freedom from the power of sin and wasted life, and freedom from our unruly desires and disordered passions - such as making food, drink or anything else our master rather than our servant. Jesus wants our hearts to be ruled by one thing only - his love and truth which enables us to choose whatever is good and to reject whatever is evil and harmful for us.

Be ready to meet the Lord today Jesus also warns us of the temptation to slacken off - to become spiritually idle, lazy, indifferent, or inattentive to God's presence and his word and guidance for our lives. We can fall asleep spiritually if we allow other things to distract us from the reality of God and his kingdom. It is very easy to get caught up in the things of the present moment or to be weighed down with anxious cares and concerns. The Lord wants us to be ready at all times to meet him - whether it be in our rising, eating, working, or taking our rest. He comes to draw us to himself - are you alert and attentive to his voice?

Speak your troubles to the Lord - he is listening The Lord knows our struggles, weaknesses, and shortcomings. And he assures us that we do not need to carry our burdens alone nor struggle without his help. He is always very present and ready to give us whatever strength, guidance, and help we need to fight temptation and to stay the course which he has set for us. But there is one thing he doesn't tolerate: indifference, an attitude of not caring, and doing nothing! The Lord wants us to cast our anxieties on him and to ask for his guidance and help. Do you pray for God's strength and wisdom?

Until the Lord comes again we can expect troubles, trials, and temptations. Our adversary the devil does not rest in his attempt to lure us away from God's will for our lives. If he cannot succeed in getting us to renounce our faith in Christ, he will try, little by little, to distract us from pursuing God, especially in prayer and listening to his word. Ask the Lord Jesus to rekindle the fire of his love in you so that you will be ready and eager to meet him when he comes again.

Lord Jesus, rouse my spirit to the truth that this world is passing away. Give me a lively faith, a joyful hope, and a fervent love to see you face to face when you return in glory.

Sources:  

Lectionary for Mass for use in the Dioceses of the United States, second typical edition, copyright (c) 2001, 1998, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine; Psalm refrain (c) 1968, 1981, 1997, international committee on english in the liturgy, Inc All rights reserved. Neither this work nor any part of it may be reproduced, distributed, performed or displayed in any medium, including electronic or digital, without permission in writing from the copyright owner

**Meditations may be freely reprinted and translated into other languages for non-profit use only. Please cite copyright and original source. Copyright 2021 Daily Scripture Readings and Meditation, dailyscripture.net author Don Schwager.

[whisperbehindthelight]

2/8/2024 Scripture Reflection

Reading 1

1 Kgs 11:4-13

Responsorial Psalm

PS 106:3-4, 35-36, 37 and 40

Gospel

Mk 7:24-30

So here we have some readings that sometimes are taken out of context, or misunderstood. First we have Solomon, and how the mighty have fallen. He didn’t keep his heart in check. For the record, God does not like polygamy. He allowed it, but if you look at Genesis, God only gave Adam, Eve, not Eve, Sarah, Julie, and… I think you get the idea. With more than one wife you have a divided heart, and a divided heart is easily conquered. Additionally Solomon picked wives for political and probably lustful reasons. Sure you can marry someone of a different faith and have a successful marriage, but if you are not on the same page with your spouse then things get tricky, and marriages have enough stress as there is. In the psalm we see the writer acknowledging faults and asking God for forgiveness and help. How often do I pray when I am in trouble, and that’s good, but it’s more wise to pray everyday about everything to have a better relationship with God. Likewise it is good to read scripture and meditate daily, that way you avoid those temptations that come and if you do fail you repent immediately rather than when you find yourself in a heap of stinking mess rather than a small one. I can attest that life indeed, goes better when you pray, read scripture and meditate daily. In the Gospel Jesus, well, kind of seems like a jerk. Many take it that way, and I can understand. But here is a woman from a people that have left God’s path and way. She realizes that Jesus is a pretty special guy, it doesn’t say, but maybe she even thinks he is the Messiah. Jesus responds (basically) you’re not one of my people. You don’t believe in me or my father/God. Why should I help you. She persists and has great faith. Jesus as does God has a merciful heart and heals her daughter. Question is, does she follow Jesus and his way forward, or does she continue with her sinful ways. I see lots of churches doing amazing things, many of which go untold, unseen and unrealized by the general public. Inevitably I then hear someone complain that a church will not help them in their time of need. They claim that Christians are hypocrites. That might be true, but if someone who is not a member of a particular church asks for help why should they give it. All too often we hear stories of people taking advantage charity. A church is a community, and we love to help people, and maybe this wrong or not, but if someone who is not a member asks for help should we trust them. I guarantee the church is more likely to help when they have a relationship or reference with someone. So what does this all mean for me today? Well I will try and stay vigilant to walk the righteous path home to heaven. I will repent quickly when I have fallen and sinned. I will ask for help when I need it and be persistent. If someone asks me for help and I can, I will, but I will be guarded for their intentions… sometimes. Will I give blindly, sometimes, but not all the time. Does that make me a bad person? I will let God decide, but I will also let God guide me when to give and when not to.

[ivesambrose]

༺ ۝ 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒏𝒆𝒙𝒕 𝒈𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒖𝒑 ۝ ༻

Personally, I'm a big fan of glow ups. 🤍

Pick the image you feel the most drawn to or you feel you've seen somewhere, maybe in a lucid dream then scroll down to your reading.

The reading is timeless xo

To book a personal and in depth reading with me DM or email me at jovescorpioreadings@gmail.com with your name and query

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Picture 1

The wound was deep, wasn't it?

You've carried it for so long now clenching your jaw and curling your fists so it doesn't burst out of your chest.

A kind of sorrow that makes you stand under the shower in hopes it'll wash away.

Maybe this is tied to a memory, an event or a place. But the good news is, it's finally time to walk away.

Your next glow up includes leaving what was or could have been so you can seek what can be or what should be.

You're leaving behind the bitterness you've carried as well as the mindset that wouldn't waver from the notion of, "nothing ever goes right for me."

You're tired of throwing a pity party for yourself all together.

Your next journey is just as emotional and spiritual as it is physical in nature.

You'll reach your destination in silence.

The clutter has to be cut out first be it the voices of people that have become noise or content on social media that's become oversaturated.

You may be meditating or practicing meditative acts a lot, learning or making notes as well.

The person you'll be after this glow up is someone who can channel their emotions in better ways, better financially, someone who is in harmony within themselves, can connect to themselves and others better, someone who is truly in love with themselves even on their worst days.

Timings : as soon as 9 weeks from now as well as the coming 9 months.

Picture 2

Sleepless nights, wandering thoughts, unnecessary worries and unwanted "what ifs?"

Something isn't right.

Something is out of balance or you're doing your best to maintain this balancing act but you're tired of it.

This could be work life balance or having multiple income streams or choosing the right path or stream.

You're adaptable but you want a change already.

Too many challenges but you're learning that you're above them.

The harmony comes after a certain disruption. But you asked for this last bout of chaos, didn't you? You have learnt that you thrive in it.

The change is sudden and unforseen but when it happens you're almost too glad that it did.

Your glow up is joy, happiness, community, the right people and a change what you previously thought was right for you but you realized you were pushing it all this while and in the long term it wasn't as appealing as it seemed. But what you have with you now is even better.

There's a fine line between fate and free will, you'll be happily surprised by what fate had in store for you all along.

The person you'll be after this glow up is secure, satisfied  successful, content and recognised. You'll be witnessing the fruits of your labour and eagerly giving yourself a treat without second thoughts.

Timings : Soon and inevitably

Picture 3

Way too many challenges, it's like a WWE cage match, you against yourself and you against your life. You're so beyond done but still have the sense of humor to say, "tis but a scratch." or, "hey you should see the other guy."

Following, forging and figuring out your life Path has been your biggest challenge it seems. But your glow up comes in the realization that every little thing you have done and are doing is inevitably leading you to your fulfillment.

Your glow up is finding your essence, letting yourself shine, letting yourself be known, better health as well.

You'll be meeting friends, connecting with new ones, finding your soul family and learning something new.

Being a student this time will actually feel exciting.

I also see you healing a long standing ailment as well or just feeling revitalized overall.

I also see you creating little daily rituals for yourself that you look forward to. A personal routine not the kind that's been imposed on you.

Exciting new opportunities and meeting the right people at the right time.

The person you'll be after this glow up is someone who has walked away from unwanted situations, closed the door and bid farewell to what no longer serves, on their way to new horizons and perhaps even in love or simply being adored by the people you meet.

You'll be glad you allowed yourself to find the strength to shine through despite anything.

Timings : The coming 5 weeks.

Picture 4

So you just woke up one day, one fine day, possibly sunny and you felt extremely accomplished.

How? What? When? It didn't even matter.

I believe you realized the power of your words, the power of gratitude and your own sheer unwavering determination.

You owe it to yourself to write a thank you letter addressed to you, for not letting the light in your soul ever dim down.

Your glow up is centered around your manifestions coming in.

As poetic as it sounds, 'slowly, then all at once.'

An underlying energy I'm picking up is extremely spiritual in nature, now this might be you connecting to your higher self, your guides, deities, God, your ancestors, whatever and whoever you believe in. Its something very personal to you, you have paved your own way.

Your glow up includes, a desired changed in appearance, your outlook, several breakthroughs, standing out of the crowd, luxury, improved finances, confidence, leadership, resources, inheritances, Intimacy, fame, recognition, ideas, awareness, self expression, intuition ... Its a lot, innit?

But you asked for this so why are you shocked that you're receiving?

I also see a significant improvement in one's financial status (this is coming through strongly) and being able to manifest best possible outcomes. Again, it's your own sheer willingness and discipline.

The person you'll feel after this glow up, is someone who can sit back and smile through tear tears, only this time they aren't forcing it, they're just content they made it. That they have more than enough and they can share their happiness as well as resources. Maybe you'll cry your heart out a bit as a form of catharsis as well. Eitherway, you can breathe a sigh of relief.

Timings : It's already started. Keep going.

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

hey so i'm hoping to get some writing advice about creative burnout? like i seem to write in fits and spurts. some months i can churn out a oneshot or chapter everyday and some months i can do one (1) creative thing only. so i'm wondering how to prevent creative burnout and how to just create more smoothly <3 thank you!

Creative Burnout & How To Ward Against It

First, I’d like to preface this all by saying you’re definitely not alone. You probably already know this, but sometimes it’s nice to be reminded.

I know from personal experience that creative burnout can leave you feeling hopeless, detached from yourself—the kind of identity crisis no one needs in 2020. 

So buckle in, folks. It’s a dosy.

I. The Symptoms

Not to be the local WebMD page here, but signs of burnout can include:

Procrastination (more than usual)

Dreading writing and feeling stuck or overly perfectionistic when you try

Physical tiredness and/or irritability

Feeling like everything is monotonous

It’s more than just writer’s block. It’s a physical and emotional exhaustion response to something that goes deeper than a simple lack of inspiration. In my experience, and from a bit of research, I’ve found that what your brain is really looking for is dopamine.

Dopamine is essentially your brain’s chemical reward system for doing something interesting or exciting to you. As someone who is diagnosed with ADHD, I have chronically low levels of dopamine, so this is a constant struggle for me—but it is absolutely made worse by creative burnout.

II. The Problem

Studies have shown that the more we do A Thing the less that thing will give us dopamine (unless a component of the activity changes regularly). This is because eventually our brains desensitise to the stimuli provided by the activity, and subsequently, we become disengaged.

But it’s not necessarily The Thing (i.e. writing) that becomes boring. Actually, more than a few factors could be at play here, and the first step to finding a solution is to identify the problem.

1. ENVIRONMENT LACKS EXCITEMENT/CHANGE—

Sometimes, the monotony of everyday life can feed creative burnout. This becomes especially applicable in quarantine when you’re not leaving your house.

What we don’t realise is that even something as small as the variables of driving to and from work, or interacting with passing coworkers, gives us dopamine. So if you have the same routine every day that does not involve any added variables, your brain will begin staunching that dopamine supply.

2. EITHER TOO EASY OR TOO CHALLENGING—

In 1975, Hungarian-American psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, coined the term “flow”, which refers to a heightened state of creativity and concentration on an activity. Csikszentmihalyi posited that if your skill level is equal to the level of challenge in any given activity, you will experience this state of flow.

The chart below is taken from Csikszentmihalyi’s own study on the subject of flow and motivation. It examines “your skill level” on the x axis in relation to the “challenge level” on the y axis.

Essentially:

Too much challenge + not enough skill = anxiety, worry (which might lead to procrastination and perfectionism)

Too much skill + not enough challenge = boredom, apathy (which might lead to monotony, irritability, and other depression-like symptoms)

Skill level = Challenge level = Flow

3. NOT ENOUGH “ACTIVE” STIMULATION—

When it comes to dopamine seeking, there is a distinct difference between active and passive stimulation in the brain.

Active stimulation is any form of activity that you have to actively engage in. For instance; exercising, doing a crossword puzzle, or reading a book. These kinds of activities not only give you dopamine, they also facilitate critical thinking and problem solving thought processes, which act as catalysts for creativity.

Passive stimulation, on the other hand, comes in the form of television, social media, and YouTube. It’s anything you can consume without having to actively engage. Passive stimulation will indeed give your brain dopamine, however, it won’t activate your creativity.

The problem also lies in the speed at which you receive the dopamine from passive activities. Passive stimulation is so easy to access that the more you consume, the harder it becomes to pick up active stimulation. Your brain expects a hit of dopamine just by picking up a phone or turning on the TV—it becomes addicted to the quick fix of a Netflix binge.

III. The Solutions

Based on the problems mentioned above, I am going to list a few solutions. Keeping in mind that not every solution will work for everyone, these can act as both preventative measures and remedies for someone who is currently burned out.

1. CHANGE UP YOUR ENVIRONMENT/ROUTINE—

Aim to do at least one thing per day that will add “variables” to the monotony. This can be as simple as going on a long walk, dressing up in that bold outfit you always wanted to wear to the office but never did, or sitting at a different workspace in your home.

Anything you can do that’s simple, but might provide an extra variable to your day to spice things up. Note: this shouldn’t be the same thing every day.

2. CHALLENGE YOURSELF MORE—

If you find yourself bored by your work, try challenging yourself more. This could mean setting goals for yourself that go a bit beyond what you’ve been doing. 

For example, if you’ve been writing 500 words per day, see if you can beat your own word count every day for the next week. If you’ve been writing mainly fluff pieces, switch it up and do an angst piece. See if you can write a book in a month, or start a blog where you don’t write fiction at all!

Anything you can do to add a little kick to your workload. Note: Beware of challenging yourself too much! This can lead straight back into burnout.

3. CHALLENGE YOURSELF LESS—

If you’re on the flip side of that coin, and find that you are anxious, procrastinating, and perfectionistic when it comes to writing, fret not. Just because you’re experiencing any of these things, doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing the job with your skillset.

It just means your perception of the job needs to be shifted.

Procrastination, at its heart, is a fear of failure, which results in actively avoiding the negative emotions associated with the task that causes this fear. Perfectionism is a type of procrastination that is a combination of a fear of failure and a fear of success (or, more accurately, other’s critiques of your success) all at once.

Neither have anything to do with your actual skillset, but they have everything to do with your perception of your skillset. Obviously, this is a harder thing to fix, as it has to do with deeply ingrained levels of self-esteem.

What I can offer you is a tactic to trick your mind into thinking you’re capable.

If you have a task, big or small, and you are feeling overwhelmed by it (like you might go curl up in bed and scroll Tumblr), immediately break that task up into smaller tasks. Keep breaking up the smaller tasks until you have the smallest possible part of the bigger task without doing nothing.

Then do that smallest possible thing.

If your goal is to write a 2000 word one shot, a small part of that task is writing half of it. An even smaller part of that task is breaking the one shot up into “scenes” and writing one scene. For instance:

Jude wakes up to a sore throat, a runny nose, and a fever.

She tries to go to work, but Cardan, being the mother hen that he is, threatens to never make her another grilled cheese sandwich (her favourite food) ever again if she doesn’t stay home.

Jude agrees begrudgingly, and Cardan sits her down in front of the TV with a bottle of Gatorade. He leaves to go get medicine from the store.

When Cardan comes back, Jude is worse than before. He makes her soup and saltine crackers and spoon feeds her.

She complains the whole time and, in her feverish state, threatens to never buy him another bottle of wine (his favourite food) ever again if he doesn’t let her feed herself.

Each bullet point represents one “scene” of about 200-400 words each. Obviously, there will be more details that you work out as you write. But with these five smaller scenes, your goal is no longer writing the 2000 word one shot. Your goal is writing the first of the five scenes.

If you complete the smallest possible task, you can stop, and you’ll still feel like you’ve accomplished something because you can cross off that task from your list. But chances are, by the time you cross off one task, you may have inspiration enough to keep going.

4. ENGAGE IN ACTIVE STIMULATION—

Since active stimulation has been proven to turn on the creative “tap”, try incorporating more of these activities into your daily routine:

Exercise: As the resident couch potato, I hate to say that exercising is good for creativity, but it is. Even if it’s just going on a short walk, so long as you’re moving.

Reading: Sometimes you have plenty of ideas, but no words to fit those ideas. Fill your well of words by carving out an hour or two each day for reading a good book.

The Creative Process: In the writing world, the creative process is a process of about 20-30 minutes that the writer partakes in every day before they start writing. This process should be creative, but also have nothing to do with writing. You can try colouring in a colouring book, painting, organising a page in your bullet journal. Anything that is creative but does not make you think about everything you have to do that day. Think of it as creative meditation.

Listen to music: Having APD, I personally can’t listen to music while I write. However, studies have shown that if you listen to at least ten songs per day, it will significantly benefit your dopamine levels and overall mood. If you’re like me and prefer to work in silence, maybe stick on a couple songs during your creative process. If you can manage music and writing together, get out those headphones!

5. KEEP A REGULAR SCHEDULE—

I know this is the most cliche point in the book, but it’s valid. This doesn’t mean do the same thing at the same time every day over and over, because ultimately we’re looking to avoid monotony. 

But having pillars of structure to bolster the excitement can definitely work to keep you from slipping into burnout. Going to sleep, waking up, and having your meals at relatively the same time every day are good examples of this. 

Feel free to change up the things you do between breakfast and lunch, but make sure you have those pillars of consistency so your brain knows that a break is on the horizon and doesn’t get tired.

6. PACE YOURSELF—

This is particularly difficult for those of us who are coming out of a creative burnout, but I urge you to pay special attention to this one. If we are suddenly hit by inspiration and the writing is flowing and flowing and flowing, eventually we will hit the point of highest dopamine capacity for writing.

Not putting a check on the flood of inspiration coming out of a creative burnout, I’d argue, is actually a guarantee that many of us will experience burnout all over again. It becomes this vicious cycle in which we are trapped.

While it feels great to write non-stop and receive immediate validation for that work, try to limit yourself to how much you’re writing and how immediately you post your writing (if you plan on posting it).

Whenever I finish a one shot or a chapter of something, I like to allow at least one day for editing before I post. This timeframe is important, because it acts as a buffer of rest between writing marathons. 

You can take however long you need for the editing process, but definitely make sure you have a set amount of time in place. Otherwise, your brain might not have enough time to come down from what is essentially a writing high, and you will always need to reach greater heights in order to achieve that same level of dopamine.

~~~~

Overall, the most important things to take away from all of this are: 

Change up your environment

Keep your brain actively stimulated 

Have pillars of structure between which you can run about chaotically to your heart’s content

PACE YOURSELF!

Hope this helped. Happy writing!

-Em 🖤🗡

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Celebrate 2K with me!

[entertainment]

Entertainment Spotlight: Bianca Bosch, The Kissing Booth 2

Bianca made her feature film debut in Netflix’s global hit franchise The Kissing Booth as the flirtatious and fun-loving Olivia, leader of The OMG’s, which she reprised in The Kissing Booth 2. She will next appear in the third installment of the franchise—The Kissing Booth 3, slated to debut in 2021. Born and raised on the eastern cape of South Africa, Bianca started ballet at just four years old and trained and competed in high-level contemporary dance until she was 19. A small role in a production of Evita solidified her passion for bringing characters to life, which she followed to The New York Film Academy and the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Bianca is passionate about giving back to her local communities in St. Frances Bay and Port Elizabeth, South Africa, and hopes to inspire women of all ages and from all walks of life to go after their dreams and heal those who need it, with strength, wisdom, and empathy.

What do you find exciting about portraying Olivia?

When people first meet me, they always sum me up as the bubbly, dramatic, ditzy blonde, and don’t anticipate my intellectual aptitude. They also soon realise that I’m super laid back, easy-going, and value a great sense of humour. Many people always say my exterior doesn’t match the interior. With portraying Olivia, I got to push those qualities that people assume I am at face value, as well as those mannerisms that come naturally to me, but are actually far from who I really am. It was so much fun living in that heightened, exaggerated bubble. 

Can you tell us anything about Olivia’s development between the first and third installments of The Kissing Booth? 

Being the “it girl” of the school, Olivia knows all the gossip going down and will not let any information slip past her because she is the ring leader, and has to have a first peek at any potential. As the story evolves, you see a softer, more supportive side to her, for example, when she cheers on Ollie and Miles as they have their first kiss at the kissing booth.

Which character from The Kissing Booth do you personally identify with most, and why?

I identify mostly with Elle. Navigating relationships can be hard and confusing, especially when the person you love lives far away. Having faith in your relationship and in yourself is important, but not always easy. I have been through those doubts and dilemmas. At the end of the day, communication and respect are vital to making a long-distance relationship work.

Alongside acting, you train in Vinyasa Yoga and Reiki, while also running a lighting/interior design business called MOODMAKERS. How do you cope with wearing so many hats? 

I’ve got to keep up with my lifestyle somehow! Obviously, with acting, you’re not always employed and shooting. You might constantly be auditioning, but it’s been said that you book 1 in 25 auditions—so in between, someone has to pay the bills! Why not incorporate jobs that are already a part of my daily routine and always will be?! Plus, I find that the busier I am, the more I actually get done. Educating and practicing Reiki and Vinyasa yoga are more hobbies than jobs for me; plus, they all coincide with wellbeing and creativity.

Do you have any advice for young women who would like to become entrepreneurs themselves? 

You have to think about your individual strengths and potentially use those to fill a gap in the market by providing a good or service. In my case, it was a product, in the form of a portable light. The opportunity in South Africa was the inconvenience of load shedding, which refers to rolling blackouts that occur due to the lack of electricity in our country. My father is an interior designer, so being surrounded by design my whole life sparked the idea to provide a stylish solution with portable, rechargeable lamps.

How do your experiences as a dancer influence your acting work? 

I feel very in tune with my body, and every character needs their own physicality. So it helps me to sink into and develop the character’s mannerisms. Not only is it great for keeping correct alignment while staying physical, but also it provides discipline through general practice.

You engage in charity work in your hometown, can you tell us a bit about that?

Well, recently, with COVID-19, volunteer work has changed with social distancing in place. I believe charity starts at home, and home for me is in Saint Francis Bay. So, we’ve shifted focus to the local townships’ impoverished areas. We coordinated and prepared meals once a week and delivered them to the local soup kitchen for as many residents as possible. After going there each week and seeing the living conditions, and how excited these families were for their meals, I felt guilty but also so appreciative to come home and live the life I do.

How do you practice being an ally, and what does your allyship mean to you? 

It means being a part of something bigger than yourself. My mission statement is to inspire young girls to go after their dreams, not only through my own actions and successes but also by mentoring them in person where possible. Being an ally also means being committed to educating myself on struggles that differ from my own experience and standing up for others in unjust situations.

How can mental and physical wellbeing and self-care help to sustain creative work? 

I think physicality, mental health, and self-care are as vital as working on your acting skills. This career path takes dedication and perseverance. Keeping grounded in the madness and focused on your goal is crucial. This industry is tough on your body, especially when you’re working long hours on set or doing back-to-back night shoots. It’s not the usual 9-5 job. Plus, you want to be looking and feeling your best for the camera. You need to promote wellbeing for concentration and maximum performance. Having irregular sleeping patterns due to shooting schedules throws off your circadian rhythm, which can have a huge effect on your adrenals, which ultimately affects your skin, moods, and weight. You want to feed your body with the best nutrients, so when the tough times come, your immune system holds up strong. I generally tend to stick to a gluten-free + dairy-free diet and pump my body with loads of greens! Lean proteins and healthy fats! It’s so hard to say no to sugars, so when desperate, I try to go towards the natural sugars (honey, xylitol, etc.), because if I don’t, it results in inflammation and feeling sluggish. Also, I recommend loads of water to promote glowing skin and avoid water retention! Although this might all be beneficial for aesthetic reasons, it’s also preserving your body long-term for your career! Mental health is highly important, as this industry is mentally taxing when it comes to confidence and self-love. I practice meditation every day to promote self-worth and to help me stay grounded.

Describe each of the following in one word: who you are, what you value the most, and what you’d be if you were a food item. 

Who you are - Firecracker 

What you value most - Family 

What you’d be if you were a food item - Peach  

Thanks for taking the time, Bianca! The Kissing Booth 2 is now streaming on Netflix.

[cafeinthemoon]

The Leaves of Her Garden – Chapter XVII

Title: The Leaves of Her Garden

Genre: Fanfiction

Pairing: Madara Uchiha x reader

Rating: Mature

Word count: 2901

Chapter (s): 17/?

N.A.: Man I missed this face 👇 so much

Read the previous chapters here: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Interlude, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16

Symbols: ⭕ | ➕ | 🖤 | ▶▶

Chapter 17 - Susano’o

The first week passed and the second one came at last, and with it came the sensation that you were not going to reach the level of excellence you intended when you asked your husband to teach you the shinobi ways. It’s true that you were now up to a physical fight and could decently use small weapons, and that currently he was teaching you how to climb trees and to overcome obstacles, but that wasn’t enough, not for you. You haven’t talked about this yet, but you knew that if you wanted to offer yourself real protection, you’d need more.

This preoccupation of yours was interfering in your concentration during your daily activities and even waking you up at night. Sometimes, your heart was taken by some anxious sensation and you would stop what you were doing at the time and look around, wondering what you’d do once you’d see yourself alone in that big house, without knowing what could happen next: a house without its owner was always vulnerable, whether with or without the presence of guards.

When those episodes happened, your ears would work with twice their capacity, and you would feel you were able to hear the sound of a leaf falling outside your room; you also sensed there were people near, some of them just passing by, others standing for a while. Almost all the times they were in groups, and there were differences between these groups as well: the members of some of them had stronger presences, easier to detect, while the others felt… average.

This started by the time you initiated your training. At first you supposed to be just a consequence of the exercises, but as the days passed, it became stronger, and now you couldn’t wait to speak to your husband about it.

There was a morning when you were sitting on the porch, alone, thinking about all of this while waiting for Madara to come and take you to the garden. It didn’t take much time until you sensed his arrival: you looked aside and there he was, walking towards you and taking a sit by your side.

He greeted you with the usual kiss on your temple, but this time he made it longer, warmer, as if he sensed a necessity of assurance in you. When he spoke, you understood this was precisely the case.

- You look pensive today – you felt his fingers brushing you hair behind your ear – What is it? A bad dream? Tiredness?

You sighed, uniting your hands on your lap.

- No. It’s nothing like that. It’’s just that... There are so many things in my mind now that I don’t know where to start. The least I can say is that I’m frustrated.

- Frustrated? – he raised an eyebrow.

You just let out what was bothering you.

- It is my training. I feel like no matter how hard I work, how much I concentrate on the exercises, it doesn’t seem to be enough. I am always missing something, always not being able to perform as good as I should – you turned your eyes to him and took his hand in yours – Please, don’t think I’m saying that this has something to do with you or your methods. That’s not the case. It’s just that when I asked you to teach me, I thought I would become more…

You paused, seeking for the right word, and Madara smiled.

- You would become stronger?

- No… Not stronger, but more… assertive. Less insecure about myself. Instead, I just gained more anxiety. This… – you sighed – This wasn’t what I planned!

That was his time to sigh. Still brushing your hair, he spoke in an apologizing tone:

- Maybe I failed in not telling you that this anxiety you are experiencing is the price for a shinobi’s growth. I am sorry for that, girl.

- What do you mean?

Now he was serious, as you rarely seen him before.

- What I am telling you is that as much as you become an experienced ninja, the harder it will be for you to feel in peace, with yourself and the world. No matter how much you desire peace, you will become so used to conflict that you will soon realize you cannot live without it.

You noticed he was talking about his own life in the battlefield. You didn’t have a life like his, but you met people who had, and you could see how much it have costed to them. That wasn’t what you wanted for yourself, though.

- But I don’t want to become a soldier – you argued – I just want to protect myself.

You sensed his eyes turning on you with such intensity that you had to look away. You felt his hand caressing your hair while he spoke.

- Protecting yourself and being prepared to face conflict… They are the same thing, my girl.

You spent the next minute in silence, until Madara broke it with a question that wasn’t unexpected at all.

- Speaking of this… This anxiety you said you are feeling. Could it be anything more than just apprehension?

You raised your eyes to him, waiting for an explanation.

- Yes. I’ve been noticing your restlessness these days, and I have my suspicions about it. But I want to hear what you have to say – he narrowed the space between you, as if you were about to share some sort of secret – Tell me. Have you been noticing some strange symptoms after your lessons started?

Your first thought was to question how he knew about this, but he already answered that for you, so you just gave him a confirmation.

- Yes. Specially at night. It’s like I can… feel things happening around me. I hear the lowest sounds, I see the smallest details. I also sense when there are people around, even if they are out of my sight. When I lay down to sleep, I can feel them walking around the house. I feel when they approach and when they leave. I only fall asleep when I’m tired of feeling their presences – you turned to Madara, seeking for answers – I’ve been wanting to tell this to you, but I didn’t know how.

Your husband meditated in your words for a moment, then turned to you with an enigmatic smile.

- All of this is so interesting – he stood up, then offered his hand to you – Come with me. I have my theory about your case, but I want to try something first just to confirm it.

You accepted his hand and he helped you stand up before walking you toward the garden for your morning training.

That time you went there walking, and you honestly found it better than being teleported: you enjoyed the opportunity to appreciate the nature around you as you walked, the trees marking the way, the grass under your sandals, the small animals sneaking around the bushes. You enjoyed feeling the life revolving around you, as if you were part of it as well.

But you haven’t walked that way in days, so a difference was noticed regarding that strange transformation in your senses: the smells were stronger, the sounds were louder and even the movements were felt with an intensity that scared you. And among them, there was one that caught your attention: it was subtle, but fast, well led, as if it was planned; if it indicated someone’s presence, the person knew exactly what they were doing.

You swallowed. It was getting closer, but no sound was detected, so you couldn’t do anything about it. It could be just in your head; besides, if it was real, Madara would already have noticed, but he didn’t say anything. You approached him, trying to walk as close as him as possible, but the sensation wouldn’t go away. It would only grow, just like that night you crossed the grove, fleeing from Hiroshi.

Until it became unbearable.

You stopped, looking around with your kunai in hand.

Madara turned to you, calm as always.

- What is it, y/n?

You sensed the blade trembling in your palm and clenched your fingers tight around it.

- I don’t know – and thinking of a way to put the sensation into words – It’s like… Someone is here. Following us.

- Someone? – he came to your side, looking at your surroundings.

You shook your head to confirm and spoke lower, unsure if the person could hear you.

- It’s like when I was lost in the grove, before Izuna-sama found me. But this time is worse.

Your husband looked at you in silence, but you didn’t have time to find out the meaning behind his look: a sudden sensation of alert woke up your senses and made you move the blade before you; you couldn’t even think of what you were doing. Only when you heard the sound of metal you understood that you just deflected a kunai. You looked and saw the enemy’s weapon lying on the grass, not so far from you. The next thing you heard was a laugh. You looked ahead, worried about what you’d do next, only to find Izuna coming to join you on the ground.

- So… it was just like you told me, Aniki – he stopped beside Madara, his arms folded, in his eyes a curious gaze toward you – We have another sensor in our family.

- Yes, but she is still a baby – his brother replied with a smile – There is so much I will have to teach her, and time is not our ally now. I will do what I can, anyway.

You were lost in that conversation, and it showed in your face and in your next words:

- I am… a sensor? What does that mean? – and turning to your husband – What will you have to teach me?

Izuna laughed.

- At least she’s a curious baby, Aniki.

You gave him an irritated look.

- Please, don’t talk as if I was not here, Izuna-sama. I need to know what you are talking about if it has something to do with me.

He raised his eyebrows like someone who didn’t believe what they just heard.

- I let you alone with my elder brother for a few days and you become this audacious?

That time, Madara was the one who smiled.

- Y/n, maybe it is time for you to cut off the -sama when you speak to my brother. Izuna-kun would fit him well – and widening his smile – Or even Izuna. You choose.

You stared at him for a second before understanding what he was doing. Then you laughed.

- I don’t want to break his heart, so I think I will choose Izuna-kun!

Izuna was so angry that you thought he was going to start a fight with his brother.

- So I come here to help you, I do everything exactly as you say, and this is what I get in return? You know I can’t stand ingratitude!

- Thank you for helping me, Izuna-kun.

Your interruption was so sudden that both the Uchiha turned to you.

- Thanks to you, I understand the importance of keeping up with my training better than before – you explained – It is true that I managed to deflect the kunai you threw at my direction, but my reaction was too slow. I need to work on this.

Izuna stared at you for a moment, but soon his seriousness was replaced with a smile.

- I would never agree with this if it wouldn’t make a difference, you know?

He asked his brother permission to leave, and the other said yes. Your eyes barely followed his movements before he disappeared among the trees, but you still sensed his presence diminishing until he was out of your reach.

You turned to Madara and found him observing you with a satisfied smile.

- So we can say we both won today. I confirmed my theory and you learned a new lesson.

This second mention of a theory revived your curiosity about the previous conversation between him and Izuna.

- Tell me… What were you and Izuna-kun talking about? What is a sensor individual? I remember hearing you say you were a sensor once, but you never explained it to me. Is it… something bad?

- It depends on your current situation – he replied with a smile – If you are in the battlefield or lost in a hostile environment, persecuted by enemies, it is something good. If you are lying at night, trying to sleep, but the guards won’t stop walking around your house, it is bad.

Madara approached you and soon you felt his fingers brushing through your hair, an imitation of the chakra flowing all over your body.

- A sensor is an individual who can identify and track chakra signatures of other creatures. The signature is what you would call someone’s presence. There are countless types of sensory abilities in this world. Some people can activate and deactivate them as they please; others can’t do that and sense things all the time. There are people who can differentiate signatures of a human from an animal’s, of a child from an adult’s, or even a clan from another using their abilities. Of course one needs special training to develop such capacities, and this takes time, which we do not have right now.

- So what are we going to do about this?

He thought of it for a moment.

- From what I observed, you are the type who cannot deactivate your ability and can track people by their distance. You can also recognize some people’s signature, right?

You nodded.

- I can easily identify you and Izuna-kun. Your signatures are different than the others’. But all the shinobi’s signatures are different from the common people when I sense them. Yours are always stronger – you shrugged – That’s why it’s hard to sleep at night when I can’t help sensing the guards around the house.

With a smile, Madara passed his arms around you; you rested your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeats while he spoke.

- In this case, let’s start teaching you how to manage this – he touched the back of your head as to help you with your concentration – Instead of trying to sense everything at once, let’s try to sense one thing at a time. Starting with this.

You raised your eyes to his and held your breath when you noticed that the pattern of the Mangekyou Sharingan has appeared. You haven’t seen it since the wedding night; if he was using it this time, it could only mean something important was about to happen.

Soon you found out it was. You saw him making hand signs, still embracing you, and from his mouth came out a word you never heard before.

- Susano’o!

Before you had the time ask yourself what kind of jutsu was that, a bluish barrier quickly formed around you two. At first, you thought it was a sort of a rounded wall, but as it completed itself, it looked more like a body: firm structures surrounded it like ribs, and others above as shoulder blades. As this new body closed itself around you, it became impossible to sense anything outside it, whether it was an animal running among the trees, the birds flying or any people who eventually were at the garden’s surroundings taking care of their own tasks: the only thing you could sense was your own chakra and Madara’s, this latter seeming to extend itself to the blue structure as if they were just one.

- Do you like it? – he asked with a muffled laugh – This is the Susano’o. It works like a supreme armor, through which nothing can pass unless I want. Only the Mangekyo bearers can use this technique.

- And you are using it to block any chakra signature… – you commented while looking around, trying to see through the Susano’o’s translucent body.

- So that you will not have any distractions while you learn to manage your focus.

You didn’t reply immediately. Moving away from his arms, you walked toward the barrier, where the signature was as strong as in the center. When you stopped in front of it, the sensation was almost unbearable: you felt like it could push you back if you gave one more step at its direction. You closed your eyes and without thinking much of it, you raised your hand to touch it.

There was nothing solid in that structure, yet you couldn’t make your hand pass through it even if you tried with all your strength. You were able to see through the blue wall, but it would still obstruct your sight and modify anything you looked at.

You looked around yourself and above, where you noticed that the humanoid aspect of the Susano’o didn’t resume to the ribs – it had arms and a head too – and thought it could be the perfect prison as much as it could be the perfect resort.

You turned back to your husband, who didn’t take his eyes off you during your examinations.

- All of this… made of pure chakra… – and with a smile that managed to bring a distinct bright to his eyes – Of course I would love it. It’s beautiful.

[benlaksana]

2021

It's been roughly a year and a half since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic here in Indonesia, and I've recently been trying to understand where I'm at. Not physically, as in physical space, but mentally and probably existentially. What is the state of my mind? I am aware that I've become somewhat bitter, my late nights are sometimes riddled with anxiety for what the next day may bring and reoccurring personal-collective grief has at times, and recently more often than I would like to admit, numbed me.

This may probably be my mind's automatic coping mechanism seeing all this death mainly as a result of how my government has failed us, its citizens, especially during a time of crises. And I really need to stress this point: how my government has failed us Indonesians during the times we need it the most and I very much believe that it is because of this why many of us Indonesians are in constant misery and haunted by that feeling of despair. If chronic physical pain causes constant daily anguish, I am not surprised if chronic physical and mental pain caused by structural violence causes persistent misery as well.

I'm somewhat fortunate in this regard, I'm grateful that I've learned ways to keep my sanity in check. My contemplative practice is key for me. Honestly, I wouldn't have gotten far in life without it. I have many people to thank, but Art Buehler especially, my former professor in esoteric contemplative/meditative practices who reminded me and pointed a certain possible direction of where I should head when I sense a lost in my life's direction, is one those I should thank the most. I know this seems like an individualized response to structural oppression, and I don't intend to paint such a picture, but I do believe we need some kind of mental stability to keep on going. To survive if not thrive.

Art sadly passed away in 2019. I received an email about his passing. And come to think of it I never really did allow myself to properly grieve for his passing. I don't know why. To be told through a short concise email that someone you cared for died, without having the opportunity to properly say goodbye feels like that person never really passed away. It is horrible way to end relationships. A sudden cut, nothing finalized, and since goodbyes are relational, now nothing can really ever be concluded. I have to make amends with myself and only with myself. If I said goodbye yesterday, or if I say goodbye today or perhaps tomorrow, will it ever be enough for me?

Life is individual yet also relational. It's good to have friends, family, people that care for you or the odd mix of all three to get you through life. So although I have these array of tools to possibly help get me through life but if the people whom you look for some kind direction is no longer present, I'm just not sure for how long I can maintain it if I'm doing all this by myself. Will a breaking point come to me?

The mind is a fickle thing, and the mind is as strong as its habits. Bad habits, bad mind. Good habits, good healthy mind (no habits, no mind?). They also say that things that might happen, will indeed happen. It is just a matter of time. If so, how will I break? To what extent? For how long? What will change? What will I lose? Will there be something renewed? Will I come out the same person? Will I come out changed but for the worst?

This is one of the things that worries me. That certainty of uncertainty. The certainty of breaking, the uncertainty of when and of its form. Will I explode in sudden exasperation, engulfed in madness? Will it be a quick balloon pop yet a slow descend into meaninglessness? An unabashed diatribe rant towards someone I care? Something that's just a twitter post away from me on actually doing it. Will this be an opening, an opportunity for 'satori', a sudden lift of the 'veil', bringing about comprehension and understanding of the true nature of things? Questions, questions, questions, not much when it comes to answers, is all I have for now. To be hopeful is hard these days and with the wavering hope, very much coming and going like waves, it has become incredibly hard to even retain any semblance of kindness. That is something I do not want to actively become a habit of. Without hope, comes the cold embrace of fatalism that many on the 'left' are guilty of. Clutched by fatalism, empathy becomes harder to come by. I've seen it, and I have felt it.

I know that my eroding sense of hope is connected to my personal dreams. Specifically how it has become very hard to actualize it. Rara and I never really planned on staying in Indonesia for long. I was confident enough, a bit too confident come to think of it, that we will be out of Indonesia by 2021 the latest. A mere 2 1/2 years after our last stay in New Zealand. The plan was for me to continue my studies, getting into a Ph.D. program and of course a scholarship. That was our ticket out. Hoping that we'll be back to our old routine in Wellington, in and out the university's library, my head in books, loving our 'flatwhites' while regretting having too much of it, the usual stint doing some university tutoring, community organizing stuff, lazy gardening, out and about on the weekends tramping around Wellington and if Covid did not happen or/and maybe if my government handled things much, much better I think that would've been the case. Or at least I constantly would like to imagine that would be the case.

Yet here we are still in Indonesia, me struggling to do my Ph.D. through this wretched distant learning, initially in the comfort of my home yet steadily devolving into cabin fever. And Rara with her own struggles trying her best to get back on her feet as an aspiring musician. None of it is going as well as we had hoped for. All this while juggling trying our best to keep ourselves safe and our families and friends safe. Both of us have become direct witnesses how challenging this has been, physically and mentally. Both of us slowly grappling with the continual kick in the gut, the never ending structural absurdity, violently absurd.

That slow grueling realization of how fragile our lives are. Not just existentially. It is existentially precarious yet at the same time understanding that precariousness in many of its aspects is structurally and politically maintained. It is this political construction of precarity, which Isabell Lorey elaborates in her book State of Insecurity: Government of the Precarious, that angers and saddens us the most.

Lorey provides a nuanced approach in unpacking and differentiating this thing called being 'precarious'. The three dimensions of being precarious: precariousness, precarity and then precarization. On precariousness, Lorey draw's on Judith Butler's conceptualization of precariousness which she sees as existential, relational and inevitable. I'll insert my existential philosophy and Buddhist values here, to help me see and more importantly accept the transient nature of life and that impermanence or change is the only constant. Our lives, our bodies are destined to die and wither away. We humans are fragile mortal beings. The loss of life, the loss of one's identity, the loss of everything that makes us, us is unavoidable. It's also a 'relational' thing, as in it is also a shared experience. Everyone will experience it. It is the great equalizer some say.

Then we have precarity. Yes everyone dies, but the process of dying or even the process of grieving someone's death is dependent on what Lorey see as the “effects of different political, social and legal compensations of a general precariousness”. Some die at young age due to starvation, riddled with poverty and disease and have nothing or no one to ease their pain, others die surrounded by family and friends in a well-cared for hospital. Some have days or weeks to grieve, others have to go back to work the next day as she or he have no luxury to stop working even just for a moment and simply grieve. To stop working even for a day draws some closer to the possibility of death for the person or those dependent on the person working. This is the inequality of dying and grieving due to our social hierarchies. How fragile we are, is dependent on those social hierarchies.

And last we have Lorey's third dimension, governmental precarization which is the instrumentalization of insecurity by the government. In other words, the government using the idea and the reality of insecurity as a tool or device to control its citizens. The calculated, deliberate attempt by the government in destabilizing our lives in order for us to be easily governed. Insecurity, be it real or due to perceived constructed fear of insecurity is an effective governing tool. The fear of being labeled "useless and lacking in contribution to the nation-state". The genuine insecurity of not being able to get a job due to the false understanding that it is simply a result of an individual's laziness rather than due to systematic government policies. The deliberate attempt in making our lives constantly insecure, constantly on the edge, without us initially knowing it and when we do come to understand, the blame is on us. It is normalized and it is internalized.

This is not simply a social issue, it is a deeply existential one as well. We Indonesians have very little to make us feel safe at the moment. Covid and the government's response to it has severely limited our movements and it's not simply physical immobility, but also an existential one, the inability to even have the imagination that our lives are actually "going somewhere", towards a forward direction. Perhaps some sort of minute incremental progress, but progress nonetheless. This imagined mobility is what Ghassan Hage calls as "existential mobility" and this immobility suffered by many of us is what he also calls as "stuckedness".

Turning an often momentary or the ephemeral nature of a crisis into something prolonged and perhaps even permanent is another part of the strategy of governmental precarization. Our lives or jobs are always on the line and again coupled with the sick prevailing idea that we only have ourselves to find the solution. The crisis is permanent, we don't know why but we've been told that way, if we fail to overcome it is because of our personal inabilities thus proliferating and intensifying this sense of stuckedness.

Forcing us to accept whatever solution the government-messiah presents us with in order to relieve us from this suffering. From labour laws that normalizes precariousness even more, to oppressive new laws that limits our desire and ability to dissent, to including who or how our enemies are defined, easily accepting who is to blame for all this insecurity we are all suffering.

Be it the long dead Indonesian communists, the Chinese Indonesians and the racist perception of them being "selfish and greedy", the Indonesian Islamists - the kadruns and their conservatism, the "foreign forces" whomever they may be constantly trying to take over Indonesia, anyone or anything is to blame. Anyone but the Indonesian government and its affluent patrons. Insecurity and the fear that rises from it renders many of us easily governable and compliant.

This governmental precarization and this 'stuckedness', which Hage sees no longer as a possibility that may or may not happen but an "inevitable pathological state which has to be endured" is how Rara and I feel at the moment.

Rara and I feel our lives are going nowhere. We feel that our lives are stuck, constantly rotating in a hamster wheel trying our best to overcome our precariousness. No progress, no forward movement, no growth, just trying our best to survive from this sustained uncertainty. It's an awful feeling, paving way to existential dread. We are very much looking forward to moving back to New Zealand as soon as possible but with the conditions right now, that is something I can't even dare to imagine.

And although I am grateful that the weave of our privilege with at many times just pure sheer luck has kept us alive and physically well for the time being, we both now realize that we have hit a proverbial concrete wall here. Adding to the already precarious nature of life here in Indonesia, our line of work as a fledgling social science academic and aspiring artist and what Rara and I aspire to do socially, what we aspire to become, easily ends in stagnation if we intend to continue to live our lives in Indonesia. (I want to direct you to Social Science and Power edited by Vedi Hadiz and Daniel Dhakkidae to get the gist of what I'm trying to get at here.)

This is a hard pill to swallow, harder to write and even more so to act upon. I am existentially tied to Indonesia, my family and friends are here, my father is buried here and so will my mother. Memories of the distant past, the colloquial language when shitposting on social media, my mind and body have been shaped by Indonesia in ways I possibly do not even fully realize. This is why I oscillate between guilt towards others and guilt towards the self. I feel guilty for simply having an exit strategy when many others don't, I have the luxury of choice. Yet I also I feel guilty for feeling guilty about this, as it means I am also neglecting the well-being of myself, now and in the future. I need to work on this and find my bearings, being stuck in a guilty limbo won't get me anywhere.

And the future is far from stable, I wonder what is on the other end of surviving this pandemic? There is so much collective grief, collective anger and of course personal anger. All this will amount to something, I'm sure of that. Although I don't know what exactly, I'm not entirely confident this something will be good. John Keane's new book 'The New Despotism' comes into mind.

What do I personally do with all this anger? I’ve noticed how anger, especially when it is on the verge of hatred, morphs itself and easily descends into madness, into aggression and often showing itself, unawaringly to us, when the act of expressing anger happens. Your mind becomes instantly clouded, ending in mindless action. This inability to have control over oneself terrifies me. I already have so very little semblance of control over life in general at the moment, if I truly have no control over myself whatsoever, what then do I have?

And I wonder if it is a waste of time asking these pseudo-intellectual questions? I don't know, yet I do know I live in a society where it hones aggression and hostility, whether it be in physical and digital spaces, and I would like to draw myself away from all this at the moment before I transform myself into something I do not wish to be. Anger I can fully understand, and it is needed and useful. Yet to actively transform it into deep blinding hatred and sustain it daily, is something I feel psychologically destructive for me and I'm trying my best not to go on that path.

I rarely update this blog I know, but this blog has always been used as a personal chronicle of how much I have progressed, digressed or both. And I needed to write all this, because I've never been this least sure of what my life should be like and where it should go. I know I am not alone at this. This pandemic has destroyed the lives of many, our futures, our dreams, our sources of love and I hope that anyone of you reading this finds a way to get through it, doing anything you can do day in, day out.

I'm not sure it if amounts to anything. Maybe it won't, maybe it will, or maybe it has but maybe we just can't see it. All I can personally do for now, is to hold on to these 'maybes', and maybe, just maybe I'll get through this too.

“Where must we go...

We who wonder this Wasteland

in search of our better selves?”

- The First History Man, George Miller

[venusinaquariusgirl]

Journey of the SP Neville Goddard

My journey of the SP has been a real wild ride. Where do I begin? From the beginning I guess. This might be a bit of a mixture of times and dimensions, but remember there is no such thing as time but the here and now. Right now I realise it is not anything personal between me and him, but between me and me. The more I realise this, the more I see it is about me and the guy is just a reflection of and my thoughts, feelings and assumptions of what I deserve. Everyone is a mirror, everyone is me pushed out. When I have fear and doubt so does he instantly.

For years, I attracted men who got close to me and then decidedI wasn't the one. It was an excruciating pain, where for weeks and months it would take me so long to get over the shock, the heart ache and the confusion. Plus my repetitive thought patterns and spiralling I would really hit rock Botton emotionally.. This kept repeating it self until it became so much when I realised  I was the one creating it through the Law of Assumption. I have been following Law of Attraction but Law of Assumption is on another level and my internal world has shifted so much. The best thing in the wold dis the knowing we are not controlled by an unknown force but our minds are really in control Just knowing we are the gods of our reality is so powerful. We are method actors in real life. Who do you want to be? Well become it, act it out, feel it.

So where do I start, 2020 I was in a long distance relationship with a man in NY (SP 1), and it was a roller coaster, he was not on any social media but I would research the f*ck out of him. He was indeed not an honest man but for some reason I wanted to be with him. I didn't even want to be with him but I wanted to be wanted and for him to choose me. Because he was so inconsistent and once in a while he would call/message me if was like getting a high. The lows were awful, crying, obsessing, being in total shock and then doing a 40 day Kundalini meditation to get over the shock. It was painful but at the same time I knew he was helping me fix my self. Through the ending of this situationship, I go to a point where I needed help, because when you seek help the Universe helps you. Take action. I reached out to 'Create Your Future' and got email coaching. This was the beginning, I read Neville Goddard's massive big blue book, the collection of his books, lectures and talks. I read it twice, it was such a huge book, at least one person would always ask me what I was reading whenever I lugged the book around. II had to get better, I just had to. During this time I ended up meeting another guy, a billionaire (SP 2) who lived in a penthouse in the city. NY guy was fading away and was now messaging me asking me when I was coming to NY. I was no longer interested. Through email coaching I was writing affirmations daily. But I still carried my fears and transferred it on to the Billionaire. I have to tell you it was more platonic, never physical because I wasn't attracted to him and it didn't feel right. Billionaire guy just wanted to sleep with me, I didn't lead him on or anything I enjoyed his company and the conversations but we were so different in so many ways also he was determined not to get married. Also marrying him made no sense, I will tell you later. The Billionaire decided he didn't want to see me again because I wouldn't sleep with him and said he wanted to be friends. I was heart broken not going to lie, even though I didn't like him, I wanted the attention. I was really down for a couple a month of 2, I would also research him and check his following on social media, it was crazy looking back, like why? Because I didn't like him, it was just having someone give me attention. This is the thing about rewiring and programming the brain and being gentle with yourself. I have some issues and I have to be compassionate with myself. I wanted to attract him back but it was hard because he deleted me and I felt like I was repeating the affirmations out of desperation and not pleasure. I was really low. So let's go to SP 3, we were friends for a while and then he started to flirt with me, maybe a month or 2 after the ending of SP2, so these affirmations were expanding to new SP. At the beginning it was nice to get the attention. Again attention is the theme. Maybe I can tell you now, my Dad paid me no attention growing up and I still feel empty and sad about it. I tear up and I wander how I will ever fill this void. I haven’t slept with any of the SPs, it’s all bene mental also I’m a little religious/spiritual I want a commitment first before being physical, So SP 3 I am observing it, observing my emotions too. It’s bene up and down again but I am determined to make it work not because I want him but I am determined to change my mind and programming to know that I deserve love. Why is this so hard for me? It’s been up and down, he’s come so close to me and then he backs off, and then he comes back again and then pulls away. I practised my affirmations because I deeply feel a connection to him, no one makes me laugh like him and I feel we just get each other like no other and yes I like him this time. I think he is so dope and so beautiful, I just adore him. I really do. I am so happy when I hear from him and I am so down and dysregulated when I don’t. I know I need to work on this as this isn't healthy. That’s the things it’s not about him liking me, it’s about me liking me.

So I went away for a bit, and we started having the longest conversations ever like 4/5 hours and then he would back off but he was still looking at my stories and even my thirst traps haha. I was so miserable without hearing from him. So during that time I thought I should maybe start dating because there was so no movement and I was feeling I was giving him all of my forces. So I met another guy (SP4). SP4 gives me so much attention, like way too much, omg. At the beginning we didn’t really click and I found him to be rude but then he just became so obsessed with me. I am not even affirming he likes me at the beginning, I did affirm he would message me and he did. Like it went so fast to him wanting to marry me within 2 weeks. But I am still thinking about SP3, and I want SP3 in my heart. But I am talking to both, SP3 right now doesn’t want to talk to me and wants to be friends but only specially talk about one subject we both have admiration for. So it’s strange. Why am I still connecting to that pain. I am determined to change it. SP3 told me he had dreams about me and wakes up thinking about me, this is the thought transmission. I know it is working. The more I can stay on top of these thoughts I will bring him back. At night I do Neville’s Goddard technique of sleeping with him when I fall asleep. What I need to work on is my thoughts of the 3D, especially social media. I have to cut these thoughts they are not real. I have to be strong and focus on him loving me. You might be thinking about SP4 and am I leading him on? Look I obviously have attachment issues and I can’t focus on one person . Also it is showing me I am attracting love too. I am not physical with either of them. I intend to get married to SP3 or SP4 or to someone else? I want to be loved and in a committed relationship.

This is where I am now and I determined to make it work. Not because I am desperate but because I am worthy and I deserve to be loved. This is not about them it is about me being secure in myself, when I can anchor down into my energy I can manifest the love I desire. I am worthy of love, we all are. We deserve to be loved. No ifs, fears or insecurities, they block us. Just focus on the what you want. Stay there, live there.