#this is for everyone with RSD... except for me

[messrsbyler]

you. yes you, person with rejection sensitive dysphoria. this message is for you. your friends DON'T hate you. they aren't mad at you. they aren't talking behind your back or wished to cut their friendship with you. they love you and treasure you and they are good people who wouldn't hurt you like that! ok, that's all. have a nice day.

[i-know-nothin]

ah yes, a mental health crisis just in time for the end of the semester. delicious.

[moon-county]

i should really know better by now than to open up and be honest with people, nobody ever wants to hear how you really are and im just an idiot for thinking he could’ve been an exception

[cringelordofchaos]

Common ADHD traits/experiences I've heard of !!

(I was gonna make a post about why I might be neurodivergent but I figured it'd be going a bit too personal. Also this is just easier)

(ADHD is much more nuanced and complex than I may make it appear in this post. A lot of ADHD people don't have a lot of these traits or have traits not mentioned here. For example there are three types of ADHD (inattentive, hyperactive and combined) and most inattentive adhders are not going to be hyperactive lol)

Warning: badly worded (I'm stupid that's my excuse). also I'll go on personal rants as to how some of these may apply to me (whilst I can reasonate with each point listed here I won't go on a rat on all of these)

Physical hyperactivity (inability to sit/stand still (I used to think this meant that people with ADHD were incapable of. Sitting down (while constantly fidgeting or not) for one whole class)(I was an idiot)(I still am)). (Just overall constant , movement (I might have it idk I'm ALWAYS

Excessive talking

Stimming, fidgeting, general and overall repetitive movements (such as flapping hands, pacing, clasping hands together, etc)

Low attention span regarding things that don't garner much interest to you

More likely to be autistic, have anxiety or depression (or generally have other diagnostic conditions)

Ability to Hyperfocus on specific things, at times out of their control

More likely to have a lower Performance in school that most people

Proneness to addiction

Rejection sensitive dysphoria/RSD (really sensitive and afraid to rejection or criticism or disapproval or stuff like that. I'm questioning if I have it and I'm pretty sure I do bc i would have a whole breakdown bc i accidentally had a bad unintentional thought about this cool person I didn't want to hate me)(it's complicated)

Emotional disregulation (easily irritable, excited, stressed, stronger emotions, more likely to lash out, etc)(people with this are usually described to be much more emotional)

restless leg syndrome (except it's permanent lol)

Lower memory spans regarding most things

Forgetting to fulfill basic needs (such as eating, drinking, showering, etc)

Women/AFAB people are more likely to be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (this of course does not rucking mean afab people can't b hyperactive my god)

Mental hyperactivity (racing/constant/overlapping/repetitive thoughts or stuff like that)

Impulsivity (doing stuff without thinking them fully though or not knowing why)

Sensory issues (sensitivity to sensory output such as noise, brightness, etc)

Easily bored/underwhelmed/understimulated - more likely to want to seek constant dopamine (due to l

Easily overwhelmed (whether itd be due to aforementioned sensory issues, emotional disregulation, rsd or stuff like that)

More likely to be perceived as "childish" (from what I've heard obviously this and many other things listed here don't apply to everyone)

Executive dysfunction (can't do shit at all)(ok it's more complicated than that just Google it up or something)

Having Hyperfixations (things you're DEEPLY invested in for a period of time, it can be a few days, weeks, months, sometimes more than a year, depends rly)(I'm still questioning if I'm neurodivergent but like I'm pretty sure I was in a DEEP hyperfixation mode when it came to sonic for like. A YEAR. like I literally it was literally the only thing on my brain the only thing in my life. and I would get realllytyy excited about learning obscure information about it or infodumping and I would flap my hands bc of how excited and passionate I was Abt it)(man I miss the times when I was so passionate about stuff I liked it was so fun :(( )

Higher/lower levels of empathy (I've seen this moreso been brought up with discussions regarding autism but I've also seen it brought up with ADHD itself too)

Lower levels of dopamine

Impatience

More likely to be a maladaptive daydreamer

Its cause is usually heavily genetic (meaning if your family or a family member has ADHD, you are more likely to have ADHD yourself)

More likely to have insomniac/have general problems with sleep (I'm questioning ADHD. I'm writing this like... Five hours before I'm supposed to wake up for school. Great.)

There is also a higher relevance between ADHD and PTSD

If I missed something important let me know!! Also if you don't know some of he

This post is not meant to be used as a substitute for self nor professional diagnosis, though if you feel like you might have ADHD because of this post I recommend further research and conversations with trusted advisors such as parental figures or therapists/doctors (not me not listening to my own advice)(<- that was me regarding my latter advice)(I'm too scared to tell my parents about it man)(idk why)

Things to note:

ADHD is not just about little elementary school hyperactive white boys !!

There's a lot of things I mightve missed

Not everyone with ADHD has all these traits (obviously)

Some of these traits may be common due to the commonness of ADHD + autism overlap (idk though)

Apparently it's one of the most diagnosed forms of neurodivergence in kids (about 7-10% of kids in the USA are diagnosed with ADHD)(APPARENTLY idk)

There's more but I'm tired right now byeeee

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Generational Neurodivergence

I'm pretty sure my parents are neurodivergent too, and their vocal stims bother me so much that I stay in my room and they're Asian so that's pretty much a crime in our house lol. I used to vocally stim a lot as a child but I've either been bullied or my RSD has made me mask around everyone else except my other ND friends.

The thing is, I had so little social interaction in my childhood that I'm not sure if I AM ND. If my parents are ND too, how are they so much more organized and successful than me? I failed more exams than anyone else in my family. Even my ND friends do better than me.

And then I go and do the most neurodivergent thing ever. Then it goes back into me wondering if my parents are actually the neurotypical ones.

It's confusing. 

Hey @shurisbedroom

When it comes to neurodiversity, it’s important to note that everyone is different. What may seem easy to one neurodivergent person, may be extremely difficult for others.

Plus it’s likely that if your parents are neurodivergent, then chances are that you might be as well. It’s passed down by genetics.

And imposter syndrome is a thing. And a real pain in the ass.

Sending hugs and positivity.

[im-fckn-threaded]

Heyo! I saw your post about RSD and tried to comment but Tumblr said "no," so I'm sending it as an ask, I guess. 😅 Not trying to be a creeper.

I took Focalin for a while (currently on a blend of Wellbutrin and Prozac, because it manages all parts of my AuDHD well). It helped with a lot of the symptoms of brain fog and executive dysfunction, but I haven't noticed much (if any) difference in my RSD. If anything, it gives you a tiny gap of space in between the painful impact and your reaction. So I get a (non-judgy) mental voice letting me know that while my feelings are real and valid, assigning extra meaning to the perceived rejection isn't helping me.

Silly example: getting a briefer text without all the required emojis and punctuation to let me know the other person isn't pissed at me.

This feels like a slap in the face OR like a hole ripped in my gut. And I can't do anything about that feeling. But what I can do is realize my brain is telling me that the other person is upset, that I've done something wrong, etc etc. My brain is telling me that, but the only objective information I have is "I got a short text." It's up to the other person to tell me that they're actually upset.

So to sum up:

1. Meds didn't make RSD feel better (for me), but it gave me some breathing space to choose some different reactions.

2. Validating the reaction for how scary or painful it is (the reaction is NOT stupid) is important.

3. Recognize the other bits that are contributing to why this particular thing feels so very bad.

4. Discard everything that is not super simply and objectively true.

I know we tend to be hyper intuitive and often right in our assumptions, but the bottom line is that that sh1t is not our business.

I'm interested to hear other people's behavioral recs!

No Problem! I don't know why you couldn't comment, sorry 😞 Maybe you are on your side blog or something (?). Anyway, that doesn't matter. Thanks for answering! I hope it's ok if I answer publicly.

What really bugs me about the whole RSD situation is, that objectively I know. My brain knows. That the person is just in a hurry, that it wasn't directed at me, that sometimes things upset people and you can't avoid negative reactions. That it is impossible to be everybody's darling. All that. But 5 minutes later I'm sitting in the corner, crying anyway. Like, bawling my eyes out. And that makes me feel incredibly immature, not being able to rationally go over my emotions and deal with them like an adult (like all the other adults) and instead cry, because a coworker told me I'm a bit loud sometimes. Which is exactly what happened today. I had to go home from work early (I'm fucking… in my mid 30s goddamn!!!! I'm a project manager!), because I was in tears and could't get a grip of myself. That coworker has never said anything remotely mean to me ever and I felt so betrayed. Why was he being all nice and stuff all the time, if he thought I was loud and obnoxious? I know that that is what adult people do. Talk about things. Make a joke or try do soften the blow of giving someone critique by wrapping it in a funny comment or a little quip. But that did not prevent me from dissolving in a complete melt down. And of course I feel so stupid for it. In hindsight, this whole situation is just hysterical. And additionally, I'm going to completely change the way I interact with that person in the future from now on. Not consciously, but yeah. Also I'm super scared to go back to work tomorrow. I feel humiliated by him saying I was obnoxiously loud sometimes and always had to comment everything, in front of all the other team members. And them agreeing, after I asked a few in private. I don't want to be seen at that place anymore. I'm so sure they've talked about me behind my back before that situation. There also is a 100% chance I'm making this up in my head and actually everyone already forgot. Except me. I'm sitting here all paranoid and puffy-eyed, sniffling like an idiot about things that can't be changed anymore.

Thanks for sharing your insights! I actually feel better now. I'm a bit sad to hear, that medication didn't help you. I don't want to self-diagnose too much, but I was reading a bit about RSD and medication and how treating the ADHD through medication can affect the RSD positively. But we'll see.

[eyedove]

alright whats up fuckers get timelined.

you want your deep taagnus fankid lore, this might be the only spot ya get it for a while. also included: a little on lup's first kid, a LOT on taako having a bad time in general, some relationship details btwn taako and magnus past and present, casey character development to follow it up, and then a little bit on the twins. the, like, little twins, i mean. the ones that taako and magnus have.

warnings for taako’s general, like, everything: identity crisis, his issues socializing, loneliness, depression, gender dysphoria (weirdly enough, not pregnancy related), his experience with chronic pain, and later being diagnosed with a connective tissue disorder, which in itself is not a trigger warning but moreso his dealing with it is not particularly healthy and could be sort of self-harm-y in a way. and for magnus: his RSD is mentioned, his self-worth issues are alluded to, mentions of past self harm, he gets very emotional about family planning in regards to past relationships, his death is eventually mentioned but isn’t part of the timeline nor is it gone in depth on.

in general they’re also just… taako and magnus. they’re kind of shitty guys and kind of immature and kind of fucked up. they’re good to their kids, they’re just still, y’know. taako and magnus.

i can not stress enough, pregnancy and issues relating to this. difficulties conceiving and postpartum depression are IN. HERE. everything turns out and everyone involved is perfectly fine, it just takes some time to get there and it’s a rough road, but they ultimately end up doing it twice and they’re both pretty firmly in the camp of it being worth it.

anything else that needs to be mentioned please let me know holy shit and i’ll exercise my best judgment, cus i know some of it might be wild to read, but i want to get triggers down for the most part. stuff that’s not triggering, like… oops, sorry, but. it’s taagnus mpreg what do you WANT FROM ME. if i listed everything that people might not like it would just be another 6k words.

basics:

lup’s first kid, missy, is about 5 years older than casey, who was carried by taako, and is about 3½ years older than elodie, who’s a few minutes older than rian, both of which were carried by magnus.

tl;dr coming soon. and by tl;dr i mean a shorter version that’s been picked through and had all of the bullshit unnecessary garbage taken out. :)

timeline:

- after story & song magnus and taako do not talk for like a year. it’s rough. they correspond a little, magnus sends him funny good things he finds like fuckin. silly chainmail messages and pictures of stuff he thinks taako might like, but he’s trying his best not to overstep any boundaries. taako has not actually established these boundaries. magnus has just sort of assumed them. unfortunately, taako is not a guy who goes out of his way to go to magnus’ place of residence and yell at him.

- but he doesn’t keep it up forever. he does go fucking find magnus. and he does go yell at him. and magnus does kind of have a fit about it. but it’s fine. it’s taako, and he also knows that getting down here was probably. a hell of a lot. and he does appreciate it.

- they immediately click though. because of course they do. and a year and change is a long time for them to go without each other while also actively knowing that they’ve gone without each other. it’s weird. taako one minute is living in lup’s empty ass house because she’s at work and kravitz is at work and he hates everyone who has any time to spend with him, and then the next, he and magnus are picking out like. the color of the accent wall in the livingroom. what kind of flooring should be in the hallways. (magnus wants hardwood, taako refuses to go with anything except shag. carpeting.)

- it’s sort of nice! taako stays a homebody but he’s not completely disconnected. weirdly enough, he sees more of lup. and kravitz. and barry and merle and davenport and everyone. mostly because he doesn’t avoid outings as much. and because he starts going to parties. and goes fishing with davenport. and gets all of his and magnus’ weed from merle that he felt too fucking sick to sit home alone and smoke himself. magnus still has like, a business to run. and taako kind of does, too, sort of, even though he’s been really fucking that up recently and taking a huge backseat on accident.

- anyway, they settle. taako’s doing okay. magnus is doing okay. they had already decided years and years and years ago they weren’t gonna get married and EXTRA aren’t gonna now. magnus doesn’t want to get married again. taako hates it as a concept. it’s complicated. but they’re together. it’s semi-open. taako occasionally sleeps with other people. rarely. listen, he barely goes out, let alone fucks around, and magnus knows it.

- lup has missy like 2 yrs after taako moves out. which does mean that she got pregnant only like a year after he left (elven gestation w/ their slow ass metabolisms), which he’s a little peeved about, but whatever, he gets it. he’s happy for her. he’s not as absolutely gutted as he thought he’d be if it ever happened. is he numb? he can't tell.

- turns out he's… not? maybe? yes, taako being dissociated and numb usually results in being a little more blase about stuff than hed normally be, but he feels. in it. he has an attachment that he's used to having, because it's lup, and it feels almost natural again. almost? there is no way he's picking this feeling apart. they will remain complicated forever because a child is definitely not something that he has to confront (all lies he knows he knows better.)

- weird concept: so how about confront it?

- taako is weirded out by this Thing. lup’s proud of it, though, and magnus is immediately and irreparably damaged by holding this baby, taako can see it in his stupid face, the way he just fucking. grins. and tears up and holds this thing so gently. lup is looking at taako like do not let this guy squish my baby, i’ll kill you, and taako’s just thinking the whole time, yeah, i get it, but like. fucking look at him.

- anyway rightfully she doesn’t let magnus hold the thing for more than like ten minutes before she wants it back but it’s fine - they all relax, taako worries about something else for a change, gets his heart ripped out of his body still beating by this thing crying, everything’s good.

- and now he’s obsessed. partly just with missy, lup’s baby, because she’s hilarious and she’s cute, and she literally just keeps getting FUCKING cuter, but partly with the idea of. baby. like. he could have one of those. he’s got everything for it. like, a house, and a boyfriend, and… financial stability. emotional stability? yeah, man! like, he’s super getting there, isn’t he?!

- he and magnus talk one night. taakos literally sat on his chest over the top of him and starts asking him abt this fucking coffee table lup bought when she first moved into her house, and magnus is like oh yeah, i like that thing, it’s really cool, i kinda wanna make one just like it, but it feels like it’d be copying, at this point. and taako’s like holy shit EXACTLY. exactly correct. but what if we did anyway. just, like, in our own. way. y’know? it’d be different if we did it. we could handle it. we have space for it. if we both worked on it maybe we could like. take care of it. sides, it’d be nice to just. have more shit that has some of you. in it. that will last a long time. so i don’t have to like, go out and replace it later, and i… know that it’s from you, and everything, y’know.

- anyway they keep having this conversation. like, every day, taako brings this up. talks about hey, listen, i know that this is uncharacteristic. you gotta take me seriously here, though. i’m so serious. and magnus is like… serious about… buying a coffee table? and taako’s like NO. i mean maybe, if the conversation must go in that. direction. later, but we’re fucking. capable, are we not?? of doing it ourselves? or we should at least find out?

- eventually magnus asks him, hey, are we… talking about… the kind of coffee table. that you and me, have, uh, tried to make. before? and taako goes LOL, tried?! no. we’ve never had the time or resources to get it like, anywhere near a real project. pal, have we maybe accidentally started on it, and then had that shit totally made useless like every other bodily state ever over and over for ninety nine years? i genuinely dunno man, if we have, that’s between our respective guts, the coffee table, and god only. and magnus just goes ohh. so we are definitely talking about the same thing. okay. oh wow.

- they decide they want one! theyll fucking. build a damn. coffee table. okay.

- and so they start! and they work on it! and they fucking! try! they do eventually get to the point where they can say aloud that they’re trying for a baby. it takes an embarrassingly long time. they are not known for their healthy communication. but taako forces it out into the light eventually. he's okay with being silly about it on a basic level but listen, someone has to rein magnus in a little bit on that. a little. (magnus actually hadn't expected taako to go for it, calling what they're doing having kids, so it's a huge surprise and an extremely positive one, because as much as he's stalwart in the idea of honoring the concept, he also kinda gets it.)

- they don't tell people at first. this is entirely because they KNOW people will be weird about it. but the moment he needs someone to complain to he tells lup and then it quickly gets around elsewhere - which. fairly, most people are kind of skeptical. it’s taako. taako? child? lup, though, kinda knows. she still has early adulthood memories of conversations complaining about the world and guys devolving into if i ever have kids... and how early on taako did show interest. how it kind of became a thing he stopped talking about over the decades. she believes him. and her believing him makes it easier for everyone else to kind of fall into place about it.

- and taako has a few freakouts. a couple total meltdowns. but they got it. they get it, after almost two years. they get it down, and both of them flip their absolute FUCKING lids but taako way moreso than magnus was expecting in any way shape or form. yeah, it was taakos idea. yeah, its taako whos carrying, so hes probably way excited about it. he just didnt expect such an explosive reaction out of him. given that he's, y'know. taako.

- literally every problem taakos ever had becomes an issue. his bullshit tolerance is now: none. his energy level is now: none. his heat tolerance is now: none. his blood pressure is now: none. his ability to cook and feed himself is now: uhh, very little. which that second thing is not super abnormal, but the first one kinda sucks more than usual. this also peaks right in the middle of summer. hes convinced hes dying. (hes not. they absolutely make sure hes not.)

- he DOES like having a good excuse to make everyone else do everything for him. not a huge fan of the genuine doting, but having someone on call for a bucket any time any where is a power he didnt know he wanted. he doesnt use it genuinely very often, but magnus is GREAT at coming when called, and thats funny.

- they pointedly do not know the sex. it is partly performative. it is partly because taako is in the THICK of a gender crisis (had been before he got pregnant even, it hasn't gotten particularly worse, but it's still there) and if someone in his life found out and started prescribing shit even on accident or coincidentally based on the thing's genitalia he'd fucking lose his shit, so they just don't know, they're not gonna know, it's not a big deal, leave him alone.

- taakos naturally a toe walker. not abnormal for elves from the two sunned plane. their feet are just built for it. he manages to maintain this for a little while. he's always fluctuated in weight, he's fine - but his balance does indeed get so bad, even with his tail, that he has to start walking on his whole foot so he doesn't lean forward.

- this makes him like four inches shorter than usual. this makes him like five inches shorter than magnus. this makes him SHORTER THAN LUP. and he fucking. despises it. he's still taller than magnus BARELY when he has his ears straight up but this is all he has, and those ears rarely stand up for any long amount of time without extreme effort. they’re HEAVY.

- it does make magnus hugs nice though. magnus won't bearhug him + break his back anymore for the time being, which he misses, but he gets to stuff his face into magnus' chest. which he likes. hes starting to think MAYBE. maybe after he has this baby he MIGHT occasionally get down on his heels just so he can do this. SOMETIMES. but only around select people. there are only a handful of chests hes cool with being smothered in. magnus definitely tops this list.

- it fucking HURTS his HEELS. fuck his ankles or whatever, his heels!!!! he's not used to putting any weight on them. theyre bruised and blistery and he hates it. magnus will now be carrying him forever. (he says this but ends up being the most hermited motherfucker of all time, worse than taako's normal, which is not good, but whatever. people like to come over to HIS HOME and BOTHER HIM, so he doesnt need to go to functions he can't drink or smoke at anyway).

- he is, however, feeling really fucking good about how fucking AWESOME he is, currently. like, one, everyone had to admit that he’s taking things super super well, and two, he’s being SO open right now. he’s being so chill. he’s being communicative, he’s being honest. he’s not being NICE because that’s just not on the table for taako, but he’s kind of enjoying having a good excuse to be a little more snuggly. a little more needy. sometimes. when he’s not so pissed off he could scream.

- magnus is a fucking. wreck. hes good! hes doing good! but hes crying ALL the TIME. and its PISSING taako off slowly more and more. he knows its just because hes worried or overwhelmed or whatever. who cares. its annoying. he is nice though. maybe the nicest hes ever been to taako. there are a significant number of people who are being nice to him, actually, which is hilarious, and also extremely frustrating. LUP. even lup wont fuck with him in the same way. he has to keep pressing her buttons harder and harder to get her to react. HOWEVER: one person is still ready to pick on him.

- lup's 5 y/o daughter. is RELENTLESS. and honest to god one of the most stable and delightful things throughout the whole pregnancy. this kid has only the vaguest idea of what's going down, is extremely nice, but also compromises NO asks. if she wants him to make her breakfast she WILL cry about it. if she wants to play with his hair, she'll figure out how to do it, even if shes gotta ambush him. great tenacity on this girl.

- they have casey, their first kid, spring-ish? early spring. they have her at home. it sounds like a great idea at the time, and it turns out perfectly fine, but there is the ego barrier of describing to people the story of your firstborn child being PLANNED on being delivered by a lich and the grim reaper along with the boyfriend and then ending up getting stagefright. this is good, you might think, this means grubby corpsehands aren't on your newly born child! and you would be correct, instead it's just magnus, who is crying MORE than the baby and taako combined and it's FUCKING annoying, and lup's not even there to make it funnier. it's fine. it's like, bonding. and shit.

- shes small. smaller than taako would have thought and also would have hoped, and shes bald, and her ears are fucked up somehow, they dont have anything, like, in them to move them around or whatever it seems like, but maybe she'll grow into that. maybe that's fine. not a whole lot of info out there currently on babies who are half alien elf half alien human. so yknow. as long as she's eating and breathing and warm and clean they're pretty happy.

- taako can not let this thing go. magnus occasionally gets to hold her or feed her, but for her first nine/ten days, taako has her almost exclusively and wont put her down. he started sleeping later into his pregnancy because it required less effort than meditating (altho it takes more time), but hes back to it now, so he can keep this baby, who he has still not named btw!, in his arms and remain alert enough to sleep with her.

- two weeks. three weeks. she's FINALLY getting a little bigger. MAYBE taako can manage to have people over to see her in person instead of just showing photos. maybe. the amount of people that technically know about this kid's existence even is a ridiculously low number. the amount of people in the public that knew he was having a kid is most, since he made a statement about it, but the kid herself was never, like. announced. he just doesn't. want to share. at all.

- gets rough. gets really rough. having lup and missy over nearly kills him. he cant even let his TWIN SISTER hold his baby. what the fuck is wrong with him? what is wrong with their relationship? why does he feel like it somehow makes him a better parent when it does not? why has he lost all control of what emotional stability he had? he'd been worried he wouldn't be attached enough to her, that he'd fuckin, abandon her or whatever, and it's so nice that that fear was unwarranted that he doesn't want to confront that he's overcorrecting.

- missy gets to hold casey before lup does. and taako feels bad about it, kinda. BUT: she didn't technically hold the baby on her own, taako just held her while missy put her arms under her as well, but still. then lup. this was a few visits in. casey is still not technically named yet, but taako knows already. kinda.

- she gets her name by two months. it's not elven, like he and lup had, but it's got the same basic rules, which is a compromise he and magnus come up with. once she gets old enough, if she wants something else, she fuckin' names herself. if she wants something else for like. gender purposes, they'll deal with that when that comes up. for now she's casey. burnsides? maybe.

- she stays FUCKING BALD. taako can not get over it. he has hair. magnus is COVERED in it. why's she bald? why's she SO BALD?

- magnus is audhd and taako is autistic. they know that she's gonna probably not necessarily follow the average infant timeline. this turns out to be extremely true. she's very quiet. she makes noises, but even as she gets into multiple years of exposure, she doesn't speak common or elvish, except repeating certain phrases she's heard often (some of her favorites are calling magnus mean names and 'i don't want to', because the former makes her parents laugh and the latter makes uncomfortable situations resolve a lot of the times it's used).

- she also doesn't walk. ok, she kinda walks, she gets up on her feet and uses walls and objects to walk alongside them, or walks slowly with a leg to hold onto. she's very particular and delicate about her foot placement, but still ends up with her ankles out. magnus thinks she might be rolling them? but she seems okay? they get that checked out, though. definitely. make sure she's not in pain or anything. she ends up with some braces for her ankles and heel, but she's still more than a little pigeon toed.

- casey is a shy little thing. very observant. she likes watching people do things. literally anything. she will sit and watch taako cook, she likes to watch the aquarium, she likes to watch people write and draw and cast spells, she likes making other people play with her toys so she can watch. she sleeps with taako and magnus more often than not, either being held by taako while he meditates or lying between them on the mattress once she gets a little older.

- missy ADORES her. missy is a little upset that she doesn't like dressing up and having her hair played with, but she loves casey's dark red hair, thinks shes super cute, loves her floppy ears, just adores her. this is, to her, her baby sister, and taako and lup do nothing to dissuade that. basically are sisters, right? who cares. they live right next to each other, and see each other almost every day, since taako does a lot of watching them during the day now, which… admittedly, he's still working on, but he's got like 8 years of experience by now, three of those with his own baby, so he's. like, getting it. he's understanding it.

- this is around the time taako starts hiring out losers to watch the children (or child, sometimes just casey). ie he makes angus do it when possible, or alum he's still pals with from some of the first years of the school's establishing, or other family friends who are around. merle's off limits. as is she who shall not be MENTIONED in his household.

- with a tiny bit of time alone magnus and taako find out that … they want another kid. taako brings it up. another baby. oops. 

- again, taako brings it up, but magnus is fully on board. except… hold on not really: shit was ridiculously rough on taako specifically, and he’s really, really not excited to have taako go thru it again. which is fair. definitely in the top 100 shitty wild things that have happened to taako, if only for the relative novelty of it and how much it sticks in his memory (haw-haw), but like. he wouldn’t say it if he wasn’t willing to do it one more time. like, just once. he’s got it in the bag now, he knows what’s up. plus, he would not at all mind having like. a year off. of just being sick and hanging out with casey and missy. magnus is skeptical. their decision is easier this time, though, even with everything considered.

- they talk about it briefly but they’re pretty into the idea of magnus carrying, maybe. if they can get it to work. they had some fuckin issues last time, so, like. what if they start trying (stressful but cool), see if it sticks (lower amount of stress, more casual) and if it does that’s cool, and if it doesn’t, oops, must be something that’s not gonna happen? magnus is an older guy at this point, which was factored in but ultimately didn’t keep them from giving it a shot. once again they start trying without actually telling. anybody. except each other. mostly because it’s not set in stone.

- funnily enough? performing in this way specifically gives taako weird dysphoria. there’s also a little scene in which magnus, who’s been out as nonbinary for like, 15 years at this point, talks about how he’s totally cool with carrying a child, doesn’t bother him, he’s nonbinary, NOT that it’d be weird if a man did it, because you did it taako and that was fine, and that also makes taako squirm a little. he’s working on it. he’s spent so fucking long getting that like, femme in a masculine way thing down, why’s it bothering him now?? ugh.

- luckily, doesn’t take a whole lot of trying. unluckily, taako is a little annoyed that magnus gets pregnant so easily. whatever. he still gets his baby out of it. (yeah, casey is his baby, this baby is their baby, since he can’t claim it all himself, but it’s still definitely partly his, duh. casey is just his though.)

- angus starts doing babysitting stuff for casey. taako ALSO ends up getting his GODDAMN… joints checked out. fine. whatever. for casey, because she’s having issues with her joints too, obviously, and he can talk about how he feels slightly more than his mostly nonverbal toddler. he’s forced himself to be verbal over the fucking. centuries. so he gets it. he can handle maybe informing whatever genetic thing she’s fucking got, cus he’s kind of always known that lup doesn’t have nearly the same difficulty he does with chronic pain. so this is on him. this is on him now.

- taako gets himself a nonspecific hypermobility disorder diagnosis. so, like, sweet, i fuckin guess, he’s gone like 300 years without it. also, they don’t even have an actual name for it. thanks. feels awesome. after years and years of forcing it down, he’s forced to actually pay attention to the pain and it Fucking Sucks. not a project he thought he’d be starting on while magnus was pregnant, but whatever. it’s fine. life is FINE.

- magnus is actually faring really well. which is also jealousy-inducing in taako. anyway, magnus is sort of miserable about how low energy he is, suddenly, though, but that’s about the most of it, since his brain doesn’t slow down to match the pace of his body. not in the traditional sense, anyway. taako does not understand what he means by this because to him magnus is still bouncing off the walls. he is, however, a great source of humor at the time (as he fucking ALWAYS is, taako always finds him ridiculously stupidly too fucking funny for him to even be REAL, ugh).

- double appointment day. taako sends casey off with angus, and they’re gonna do… whatever they do. he’s given angus some free rein on what he does with the baby. he kinda trusts angus’ instinct. a little more than he did when casey was an infant, anyway. this is a decision he will eventually regret, because while he is getting the shit annoyed out of him by being quizzed on his pain and fitted for digitigrade AFOs he doesn’t want to use (the other braces recommended arent as bad since his like, fingers aren’t so different from most people’s, it’s just just feet and legs that need extra special shit) and then getting slammed with the major whammy of the fact that up until now magnus has been RIGHT: they’ve been missing a TWIN at past appts, and twins are now for sure confirmed. plus, angus is doing unspeakable things, ie he has been introducing casey to lucretia even though taako has said this should not be done at all. today, lucretia makes the mistake of seeing if taako has been teaching her elven sign language.

- magnus is beyond stoked, taako is torn between being excited and being extremely, outrageously jealous because if one of them was going to have twins, it should have been him, goddammit. but whatever. they tell the relevant parties: ie again it stays mostly under wraps except to really close family.

- casey continues seeing lucretia. it’s not a SECRET, it’s just not being said out loud to taako, exactly, is angus’ reasoning here. they both know that it’s going to get out eventually - and it happens sooner rather than later, for sure. what ends up breaking it wide open is one night taako is watching casey and she makes a motion at him that he’s absolutely certain at first is a sign, but it’s just mixed in with a bunch of other hand waving and other movements she’s prone to doing. so it can’t be. plus, he hasn’t been teaching her elven sign. nobody has, have they? So after she goes to bed, taako stands in front of magnus and makes the same series of movements - nonsense and all, and gets confirmation from magnus that it looks a lot like sign language, but magnus denies teaching it to her.

- lup also denies teaching it to her. lup and taako haven’t used it in tens of years, and when they aren’t using it, there isn’t a reason for the other birds to use it, given that it was mostly used for taako to communicate. plus, very few people on faerun use it, given that it’s a language that doesn’t even originate on the goddamn plane. she’s not learning it from angus, probably. probably? FUCK.

- taako confronts angus about it and he immediately folds and tells taako everything on lucretia’s behalf, because he knows it’s going to get rough if they have to be in the same room together. taako is. devastated. and angry. but angus explains to him that he’s always there, he makes a super good middle man, casey LOVES lucretia, they get along really well, she hasn’t been telling casey anything controversial. casey isn’t even old enough to like, get lucretia’s life story. she’s not getting lucretia propaganda, taako. but she has been um, maybe, using elven sign language, because they thought maybe you’d been trying that, too, because she hasn’t been verbal. Taako confirms he has NOT been, he hasn’t used it since cycle 99 started, because he had it fucking TAKEN from him, is the thing.

- but magnus also starts using it again. starts speaking in ESL to casey. taako gets mad about it, but he can’t deny that it’s much more comfortable for him most of the time, and that he can use his limited energy being more expressive bodily when he doesn’t have to curate his voice specifically like he does when talking aloud. magnus is into it! and he makes sure to tell taako this. taako starts using ESL more. a little. to see if casey will pick it up.

- casey does pick it up. casey picks it up much easier than common or elvish. she has some coordination issues in her hands like taako does, exacerbated by her being like four, but she can communicate a little better and it’s. weird. it’s weird. taako is weirded out by it. but everyone else in the house just keeps - even lup gets in on it, so…

- he gets to talk to casey more. it’s so sweet. she’s an asshole and he loves it. she is a lot like taako in so many ways. it is a weird thing to witness. she’s not exceedingly social. she’s kind of . aloof. which is something he knows he’s been accused of, but he didn’t really get it until he saw literally his fuckin. weird self reflected back at him. he realizes pretty quick that she’s definitely a person. she’s fairly independent and at this stage ENJOYS sleeping in her own bed. she likes the routine of brushing her teeth before bed. she hates socks (so does taako), she loves bugs, but she’s scared of dogs. she likes magnus’ woodwork, but doesn’t like powertools, and has next to no interest in magic, but she does like watching taako cook - she also has strong opinions about food, which taako is a little frustrated about at first, but soon finds is fun to work around. he likes flexing his cooking creativity for the first time in years.

- taako fucking. eventually uses his braces, but only because he wants casey to also use them. she has such a hard time walking and he absolutely hates the idea of her being in any amount of pain, much less pain comparable to what he went through as a kid before he made himself deal with it quietly. neither taako nor casey are big on the sensory input these things provide, but they get through it together. they are just kind of on the same wavelength when it comes to sensory overload - so even if taako doesn’t realize it, given that he’s had hundreds of years to perfect masking even to himself, once casey’s had about enough of it, taako can pretty reliably tell that it’s probably time for him to give himself a break, too, if he can manage it. she’s helping him out a lot, even if she doesn’t exactly know it.

- that winter is when elodie and rian are born, in that order. not at home this time, which magnus is a little indignant about because he’s the tough guy here, but ultimately there’s not a whole lot of fight about it. this is partly because magnus burnsides is a bird, and gets whatever he wants, and if he wants a parade of like 20 goddamn people present, nobody, not even a medical professional, has the power to stop him. this time, names were picked out beforehand, mostly because magnus was DEAD SET on not waiting until they were multiple months old. they get these names assigned to them in the same way casey did - as child names, if they want to change them, or permanent if they don’t, or whatever the hell they want to do. magnus takes immediately to calling them duckie and goose, respectively, because he knows that everyone will back him up if taako tries to tell him he can’t call his newly born children what he wants to call them as nicknames. (they do fight about it. everybody is, indeed, on magnus’ side, if only because they’re tired of the naming scheme taako is perpetuating, here.)

- he has also been calling casey bunny for a few years at this point because of her floppy ears (taako wouldn’t let him get away with ‘dumbo’ any longer), so it fits the theme. (he later gets a duckling, a gosling, and a bunny tattooed on him. they can change their names all they want, but their childhood nicknames are his forever now!)

- magnus, uh, DOES have a little stint of oh god what have i done. turns out that weirdly enough, having taako baby him a little bit makes him feel better. having taako be kind and surprisingly understanding about his feelings is weird and puts him on edge at first, but really, taako was like this when he was pregnant, too, where he’s a little more open and a little more emotionally available, so it’s not super surprising in a way that makes it impossible to believe that taako’s actually willing to give him space to grieve and think and worry and wonder.

- elodie and rian are also digitigrade, but their ears are more solid. not quite as mobile as taako’s, but they have some muscle in them instead of casey’s little floppy thing she has going on. they’re cute and all, but the biggest thing taako can’t get over is the fact that they are both born with hair. istus just keeps fucking kicking him while he’s down. magnus doesn’t even worship her, what the fuck.

- they’re both VERY LOUD. casey wasn’t a crier, the twins are. they’re loud, they’re rowdy, they’re babies. they’re, like, real babies, and not little weird creatures like casey. casey is a bug, not a baby, elodie and rian are infants. taako has already set a precedent of being a nighttime caretaker, given that magnus needs 8 hrs of sleep/night and he needs 4 hrs of meditation. so this continues, for the most part.

- yes, they have two infants. they also have a little girl who is now getting finally also fitted for orthotics which is cool. she’s also learning ESL. magnus, taako, lucretia, and lup all know it. basically everyone in her life knows sign language. magnus is a little rusty, but he’s taking like. ‘lessons’ from taako. this is also being taught in moderation to the twins, but the twins have their own shit going on between each other. taako gets to watch these things develop twin language WITHOUT HIM. it’s fine.

- lucretia becomes a slightly more… common… occurrence. he sees her at parties and gatherings now - they start being invited to the same things. they’re not involved with each other closely, but they’re adjacent. they talk SOMETIMES. if there’s a buffer between them. mostly at these gatherings, and only when taako’s sober. the moment he’s imbibed anything magnus physically gets between them. it becomes missy and casey’s jobs to watch the twins and magnus’ to watch taako to make sure he doesn’t say or do anything too fucked up.

- elodie is a huge casey fan. loves casey to death, but they have the sibling dynamic going on where casey is so focused on being fully enamored with an looking up to missy that she sort of ignores elodie, and elodie is so focused on casey that she ignores missy, who just wants everyone to be friends together so bad.

- the twins are definitely a step up in complicated parenting. casey was a good first step. somehow? got what is the beginner-friendliest baby. some fucking how. these guys, though. elodie is a very curious kid, a very energetic kid, a very intense kid. playful, extroverted. chatty even when she doesn’t have like. language down yet. rian less so. rian’s more like casey in this regard. less chatty. needs a lot of quiet time.

- magnus used to have a stim where he would ball up his fist and slam it into his chest or shoulder, which definitely, definitely was not good for him, given that he eventually got very strong and was giving himself some pretty gnarly bruises and lacerations with it. he also used to (still does, but slightly less) deal with really bad RSD. it kind of fucks him up watching rian go through the same things. taako is just kind of like “yeah, dude, the dark mirror, we’ve all been peering into it” and magnus is like wow. huh. this is wild. i’m sorry, little guy.

- rian ends up sharing a room with casey once he’s old enough (not permanently, but it’s an option for him). he does better in a quiet environment and elodie is not super conducive to this, but casey is, with her also preferring no loud or repetitive sounds. she also relies more heavily on ESL than the other kids, which rian uses with her quite often while he feels more pressured into speaking verbally to others.

- by this time magnus has made casey what he calls her rabbit hutch - basically, as a toddler, she always ended up like, under her bed, or in her closet, or what have you to sleep. taako’s solution to this was ‘oh baby come sleep in my bed then’, but she didn’t want this, so magnus makes her a little doghouse style thing. A canopied bed, but with solid walls and a weighted base, and a tighter space inside. it doesn’t last her into her teens, but she does use it a lot as a little kid. it’s like a permanent blanket fort. taako’s embarrassed that his daughter lives in a fucking dog house his boyfriend made, but she loves it - and eventually starts letting rian in there, too.

- elodie also likes going in there but 3 kids can’t fit at once, and also she gets bored really fast so most of the time it’s casey and rian time only. and they just sit silently in there.

- listen i have a ton of twin lore in my brain but it’s very difficult to put down in a concise way. i’ll get it out. some day. til then have basics. elodie is a big girl, she’s a tough little girl, she likes being able to help out her mama. (even taako is not allowed to call magnus this. elodie and rian, however, are. for taako is it papa strictly. papa bear will also be tolerated. encouraged.) she loves AXES. she wants one so bad. she’s like six and it’s all she wants for every gift-giving event ever is a REAL AXE. taako and elodie absolutely have a Real Sword type conversation. elodie thinks it’s hilarious, but also kind of frustrating because no, dad, she really does actually want a real axe.

- elodie ALSO isn’t really a dog person. they’re okay! she likes them! she’s just not like, dog obsessed. despite magnus’ best efforts, she does not develop canine special interest, which he’s a little sad about, but it’s okay, because he does eventually get it with rian, thankfully. SOMEONE fucking likes dogs in this goddamn household.

- elodie does however LOVE their cats. she’s neutral on the fish and shrimp (did i mention they have a huge saltwater tank. they do. taako raises shramps). she wants a goat. she’s not the pony kid, that’s rian.

- rian is fucking obsessed with animals in general. he loves casey’s stuffed animals. he loves garyl. he loves dogs, especially the big rough guys, mostly because they can handle some roughhousing. he and magnus wrestle, which magnus loves, and they do a lot of work with the dogs, which is GREAT, because by the time rian is 8 or 9 magnus really, really just wants to get back to working regularly, doing dog training and stuff, and he loves having angus and rian around to help.

- OKAY ALL I REALLY KNOW BEYOND THIS IS THAT casey gets really into rollerskating. she likes drawing, but doesn’t stick with it. she likes roleplaying games. taako and lucretia are keyword kinda reintroduced to each other’s lives after a LOT of strife and a lot of fuckups. casey lives with taako for quite a while. idk about the twins yet, but i know that casey is not really ready to go do her own thing for quite a while, and even after she does move out, she’s always got her dad on speed dial, and out of everyone in the universe once magnus is gone, she is one of the only people he will ALWAYS pick up the phone for. every single time, doesn’t matter what he’s doing.

ta da there’s more, obviously, but like. this is where i’m at. currently. with my fucking. six million words (realistically more like 40-50k, it’s hard to compile when it’s spread out across many text docs and google docs and shit.)

[mylifeisactuallyamess]

Chapter 14: Maridun

A/N: Sorry this is later than I planned but this weekend was a wild whirlwind of ADHD impulsivity and RSD about my writing. Girlrotting.

Warnings: None I think. Fluff, cuteness, just Tech and Stitch being Tech and Stitch.

Word Count: 6.1k+

Masterlist

Tagging: @dreamqueenkala @ravenclawbitch426 @highlylunar

This was massive, for both of you. You were out in a busy market, clutching the strap of your bag as you continuously fought down the urge to scream at people who came too close and Tech was walking with his brace over uneven ground.

The pair of you stayed close to one another, continuously bumping shoulders, Tech covered your back and sometimes you found yourself leaning into him. Your senses were heightened, feeling everything about Tech including his concern for you. Someone accidentally stepped backwards into you and his hands came up to stop you stumbling.

You wanted this whole experience to be over with except you couldn’t do that to Tech. He was looking at everything, enjoying the Ord Mantell sun on his skin and breathing the air deeply. This was revitalising for him.

Forcing yourself to carry on you bought some supplies and ordered some medical equipment to be delivered. Your heart was erratic, fluttering and throbbing until Tech touched your arm and you spun round to face him.

“My sensors indicate you are struggling to regulate your heartbeat. Your breathing is shallow and I can see you are….” His gaze lowered as he made a fist with his hand and then opened it to copy the motion you were making around the straps of your bag.

“I’m ok,” you breathed, hands wringing the strap as you studied the comforting shape of his helmet.

“I conclude you are not being completely truthful. If this is too much we can return.” His voice was slightly automated by the vocoder giving it a tone you hadn’t heard in a while. He sounded like himself.

“I can’t let my anxiety cut this short for you, Tech.”

“You should not put yourself in situations you are not comfortable with on my behalf.” He searched your face, eyes narrowing behind the goggles as he observed you. “Is there something I can do to alleviate your symptoms?”

“Um…” hold me? Take my hand? Encompass me with your sense of self? You were shocked by the reaction, not really one to seek out touch as a comfort first. Your mouth opened uselessly as you tried to form together an appropriate reply when his attention was drawn to a spot just behind your shoulder.

“Lookin’ good, Tech!” Wrecker shouted through the crowd, Omega beaming as she rode his shoulders. Hunter pulled off his helmet, giving you a nod in greeting.

“Where is Echo?” Tech asked.

“Nice to see you too!” Wrecker growled in mock sadness and Omega giggled, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Echo is back at the ship,” Hunter explained. “Refuelling for the next mission.”

“Mission?” You could sense Tech’s instant interest, the optimistic uptick to his tone and everyone cast a glance at everyone else.

“Ask me,” you demanded, planting a hand on your hip.

“It’s nothing drastic,” Hunter started.

“We need Tech’s…” Wrecker waved his hands around like he could grab the word he was looking for out of the air.

“Expertise?” Omega offered.

“Yeah! Yeah.” You glanced up at Tech, finding him already gazing hopefully at you.

“What is it?” You hoped it was nothing you’d have to say no to. These guys had been apart for far too long and he was itching to get back to his squad.

“A village is being plagued by…butterflies,” Hunter said a little awkwardly.

“Butterflies?” Tech asked, spitting the word out through his helmet.

“A friend of Cid’s has asked for help and apparently this is the best use of our time,” Hunter crossed his arms, brow furrowing and his swift sense of annoyance wasn’t something he could hide from you.

“I can’t wait to see them,” Omega gushed, clearly the only excited one of the group. “I’ve never seen a butterfly up close before.”

“Sounds boring,” Wrecker grumbled.

“No blaster fights?” You asked.

“I don’t think so,” Hunter replied.

“No explosions?” Wrecker rolled his eyes and Hunter shook his head.

“A nice easy mission that Tech would probably enjoy.”

“Actually,” Tech held up a finger letting everyone know he was going to make a point. “I prefer noisy fauna that I can record. A butterfly does not offer much in that way and therefore, I am a little disappointed you would come to this conclusion.” Hunter sighed at his brother and you smiled, seeing what he’d tried to do.

“Tech, they’re trying to get me to allow you back into space. But if you don’t want to go…”

“NO!” Four sets of no bombarded your ears and people turned to look at you all because of the noise.

“Well then. Is there room for one more?” Silence greeted your question and your smile faltered for a moment.

“You want to come with us?” Omega asked. “Can you do that?”

“I don’t see why that would be a problem,” Hunter said as he glanced up at Wrecker who had a goofy grin on his face.

“I’ve missed havin’ Stitch around.”

“It is a sound idea,” Tech said firmly. “I am still having physio,” he announced needlessly and you could feel the heat in your face at such a statement.

“That settles it then. We leave before the rotation is over. See you back at the ship.” Hunter put his helmet back on and gave Tech a pat on his shoulder as he walked past; Omega waved happily, her little face beaming and Wrecker gave Tech a good natured shove that had Tech falling into you by accident. He sighed with slight irritation and righted himself quickly.

“We should head back,” you suggested and he gave you a quick nod, already tapping away on his datapad.

You walked back in silence, thankful to be leaving the busy market. The crowds thinned out, allowing you room to lengthen your strides. It wasn’t until you felt the presence that had been at your back disappear, that you realised you’d left Tech behind. Quickly turning you hurried back, his eyes were wide as he leaned against a wall, head bowed and a hand hovering over his leg.

“Tech! I’m so sorry!”

“My pain medication seems to be wearing off,” he gasped through the helmet. Your hands were shaking, appalled that you had been so wrapped up in yourself you forgot about your patient. Letting out a frustrated noise you abandoned trying to open your bag.

“You’ve overdone it. Lean on me.”

“The brace is sufficient,” he claimed but you shook your head.

“I need to touch you to lessen the pain.” He stared at you for a moment, his eyes blinking slowly as he realised what you’d just said.

“You can do that?”

“Trust me,” you murmured, dipping under his arm and leaving him no choice but to accept your help. His armour pressed against your body and you much preferred him without it for something like this. Curling your fingers round his side you concentrated.

Sounds muted, drifting to the background as you zeroed in on Tech alone. The subtle whoosh of his heart beat matched with yours, beating in unison as your breath echoed in the stillness. His aura permeated yours, creating that bubble of calm you always sought so desperately and could barely achieve.

You felt him relax, the tension drained from him as you took on his pain, the throb of it in your own thigh and then you just, let it go. His emotions were right there, the warmth of his kindness, the spike of surprise as he felt the effect of your power and something else that felt sheltered and secretive, a feeling you couldn’t put a name to.

“That, is fascinating.” He whispered in awe. “Is this a skill you have recently acquired?” You urged him to walk, satisfied that he limped less and didn’t lean on you so much.

“I think it’s something I’ve always done.” Tech’s helmet tilted, his eyes glancing at you as he listened. “I have always had a gift for healing. The Academy became my home when he left me there, I lived there for a time before I began to train.” You cleared your throat before continuing. “They couldn’t explain my natural affinity with healing. People I tended to healed faster, there was no explanation. I had no idea what I was doing, I just assumed I was…good.”

“It does explain certain things,” he said to himself. “I calculated my recovery time and I am already weeks ahead of schedule. And it is not the bacta. Hunter’s ribs healed faster than they should have, he certainly seemed to think so anyway. Wrecker’s burn…”

“Maybe it’s why the Trandoshans wanted me.”

“You would certainly be an asset to anyone that owned you.” Putting his arm down, you reached and activated the door, the pair of you walking into the medbay. Tesama greeted you both and Beetoo was going around cleaning some bays that had recently been used.

“An asset indeed,” you murmured.

It felt good to be in your armour again. Tech and Echo had tweaked the colouring at some point, the skull had been covered, as had the boys ones and your red was covered with orange to match the Batch. Omega was talking your ear off as she sat next to you, her eyes wide absorbing the sight of Tech shooting you all into hyperspace, legs swinging happily off the edge of the seat.

“…and so then, we entered the cave and the floor was covered in bones!” She finished dramatically, wiggling her fingers and widening her eyes. Echo sighed and covered his face with his hand.

“They weren’t bones,” he groaned.

“They were! Weren’t they Wrecker?!”

“What?” He shouted.

“The bones!” She shouted down the ship.

“Aw, yeah! Loads of ‘em.”

“I think that is highly doubtful, judging by Echo’s reaction,” Tech said and Omega stuck her tongue out only for Hunter to catch her in the act and put his hand over her face much to her surprise.

“They were! I swear!” She insisted.

“They were dried husks,” Hunter rumbled, ruffling her hair lightly. “Nothing more.” She pouted and slumped in her seat with her arms crossed.

“Bones sound better,” she grumbled. You grinned and got up, stretching a little as you got used to the feel of the armour moving with you. As a medic you’d been wearing comfortable clothes, but they were all loose fitting with pockets and made of thin material. Now you were in a skin tight bodysuit, pouches hung off your belt and they bounced lightly as you walked. Wrecker was laying on a bunk, his groan low as he tried to contain it.

“Wrecker?” You approached, sensing he wasn’t completely himself.

“Oh, hey Stitch.” He sat up, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Can I touch you?” Your fingers danced in the air, feeling things that no one else could as you stretched towards him.

“I thought you didn’t like that,” he looked worried, eyeing your hand like it was a snake about to bite him.

“I don’t like people touching me, when I’m…”

“Havin’ a moment?” He filled in and you nodded. “Ok.” You gently pressed your hand against his upturned palm, feeling his discomfort and you instantly knew what the problem was.

“Sit on the chair and I can adjust your neck again.” Wrecker couldn’t move fast enough, settling himself in the chair and spinning it. He faced the back of it so you had unhindered access to his neck and you felt along the tense plane of his shoulders.

“What’s happening here?” Hunter asked with a hint of amusement drawing the attention of everyone in the cockpit.

“Oh, just you wait, boss.” Wrecker had a self satisfied grin on his face as he waited for you to start.

“This again,” Tech said with a wrinkle of his nose and the middle finger was used to push up his glasses. “I have to say the noise surprised me last time.”

“Noise?” Hunter cocked his head as you readied yourself. “Stitch…”

CRACK!!

Wrecker grunted in pure bliss but Hunter flinched, his hand going to his blaster just like Tech’s had the first time you did this.

“Easy,” you murmured, but not overly sure if it was for Wrecker or Hunter. Your fingers spread, gripping tightly as you snapped Wrecker’s head round, almost embarrassed by the noise that came out of his mouth.

“What the—!” Echo appeared in the cockpit doorway with Omega pushing past.

“It is not something I find particularly comfortable,” Tech said with a faint shudder.

“Feel s’good.” Wrecker told them, his speech relaxed.

“What are you doing?” Hunter had a demanding tone to his voice but he could clearly see you weren’t hurting his brother.

“Wrecker carries more weight than you lot do, his body is under extra strain and therefore it shifts out of alignment easily.” As you explained you dug deeply into his shoulders, needing away any knots you found. “His joints need correcting, otherwise he’s prone to headaches, painful joints, pinched nerves…” you looked up to see them all staring at you, Tech still with an expression of muted horror.

“I love having Stitch on board!” Omega broke the silence with a beaming smile and you couldn’t help but smile back.

“There you go big guy. Should be good for a bit.” You backed up as he rose, rolling his shoulders and moving his neck from side to side.

“Aw, yeah. That’s better,” he growled. “Can I…?” He held his arms out and you nodded. Wrecker was gentle as he wrapped his thick arms around you, giving a squeeze as your feet lifted off the floor.

“At least he asked this time,” Tech muttered sullenly. “First time for everything.”

“So where are we actually heading?” You asked. Tech, who was sat in the pilot's seat, working on something that looked suspiciously like a set of headphones. His fingers expertly twisting the wires before he closed the casing. Gods, you could watch him all day fiddle with anything.

“We have charted a course for a planet called Maridun,” he responded absently.

“Never heard of it.” You leaned back and waited for the inevitable info dump as Tech drew a breath in.

“A temperate planet in the Outer Rim. Its primary terrain is grasslands, wide expanses of savannahs and plains. Used to be home to a Separatist Outpost but the Empire doesn’t seem so interested in them just yet.” He flipped the device over, the streaking lights of hyperspace illuminating you both in its cool glow.

“But you think there are things of interest on the planet?” You’d seen him barely leave his datapad since he found out where you were going, doing his usual pre-mission research.

“Correct. From what I have read the fauna is somewhat intriguing. Corinathoths, for example, are beasts of a sizeable nature, sporting large spikes that protrude from the joints of their legs. No doubt to protect from predators.”

“You’ve seen them before?” You asked, crossing your legs and leaning forward, your hands fiddling with the top of your greaves.

“Unfortunately, no. I have only read about them.”

“So the predators would have to be bigger than these…Corinathoths?” Tech looked up and gave you a lopsided smile, letting you know the word was correct.

“Not necessarily. The predators of Maridun are avian quadrupeds. There was a report mentioning their ferocity once in the Republic Archives. But since the Empire took over…” he trailed off and you knew he hated that information was being erased for no reason. “Mastiff phalones. They hunt in packs it seems and therefore the spikes would prevent them overwhelming such large creatures without some casualties.” He held up the headset, turning it over in his long fingers before turning his seat round to face you. “Can you try this on for me?”

“Um…sure.” You stood and he rose with you, the faintest grimace on his face and you saw he kept his leg out straight. You expected him to hand you the headset but to your surprise he widened it to go over your head; settling comfortably on your ears.

You gazed up at him, drinking in his concentrating face as he gently swept strands of hair back behind your ears and adjusting the pads so they sat perfectly over your ears.

Every brush of his fingertips had you nibbling your lower lip, your skin feeling like it wanted to peel from your body as the hairs all over it stood on end. He seemed unaware of your heightened reaction, pressing some buttons on the side and soon you forgot everything.

The purrgil song played directly into your ears and your eyes widened in shock. His lips moved, a frown marking his face but you couldn’t hear him. He went to take it off but you stopped him, encircling his wrist gently as a smile began to curl along your lips. Tech fidgeted with his goggles and he searched your features, the frown finally relaxing.

You stood there for a few moments, your eyes closing at the beautiful song that sang in your mind, banishing every thought and feeling only to replace it with a sense of peace. Tech’s wrist flexed a little in your grip but you didn’t have the heart to let him go, feeding off his energy as it weaved with your own. A dance only you could feel as strands of yourselves twisted together.

Tech delicately touched your wrist making your eyes flutter open. He didn’t speak, using his eyes to point to your grip and you loosened it. Your gaze grew wider as he balled his fist up, resting it in your palm and spreading his long fingers slowly along yours. The touch was teasing, creating ripples to echo down your arm and you were sure you gasped because his gaze immediately went back to your face. He held up his other hand, fingers flexing in the ever changing light and you carefully placed your palm against his. Pressing your gloves together and connecting on a level you hadn’t achieved before.

Your chest was heaving, the calmness tingled with a sense of expectancy, it tickled down your spine and you shivered. Your gaze was drawn to look out of the Marauders canopy, picking out the shadows that seemed to haunt your hyperspace travel. Shapes of the purrgils bled through the hyperspace lights and you watched with a sense of wonder.

Tech followed your gaze, surprise reflecting behind his goggles as you both stood there in silence, palms pressed together until your fingers slipped, curling over his knuckles.

Tech looked down at the motion, his eyes tracking over the way your fingers were relaxed and he tried to copy the motion, gingerly bending his over the back of your hand.

“Tech!” You weren’t sure how loud you were being, the purrgils were still singing in your ears but he looked up. You broke the connection with your right hand, pointing to a small shadow about the same size as the Marauder. It was a calf, pushing its curious way towards the ship you felt Tech tense and draw closer to you. Absently you put a hand on his chest, eyes still gazing in wonder at the baby as it peered at the ship. “It’s ok,” you whispered. Sure enough the shadows disappeared as quickly as they came.

You squeezed his hand, feeling him give you a squeeze back before he untangled himself. His large hands came up to take the headset off and you relinquished it regretfully. Already you missed the pocket of peace it gave you and with it, Tech’s closeness.

“What is that?” You whispered.

“I have created this to help you with your meditation. I am assuming it helped you relax?”

“Yes. I’ve never…that was amazing,” you replied.

“It is so you can have peace on the ship, I added a noise cancelling feature because Omega talks a lot.” You glanced into the darkness of the hold, knowing that all of them were sleeping back there. Well, nearly all of them. You felt Hunter’s awareness in the dark and you wondered if he sensed the closeness of the purrgil like you had.

Tech was busy tweaking the inner circuits, making them spark a couple more times before closing the casing once again and pressing buttons on the side.

“Thank you, Tech.” You were genuinely moved by such a gesture from him, it made your heart skip and you were on the verge of telling him how you really felt. Wouldn’t it be so easy to finally spill the desperation that filled you, the ache of yearning for him to be something more to you? So easy. But you hesitated, knowing now was not the time nor the place.

“It is no trouble. Merely an understanding of how to put these things together and having the right tools.” He took a breath, his fingers slowing. For a second you watched his face, hoping maybe he’d tell you what was on his mind as his rich honey brown eyes flickered to where you were standing.

“Don’t you two sleep?” A tired voice said from the doorway and Tech almost jumped out of his skin, his hands jerking suddenly at the sound of Hunter’s voice.

“You know why I don’t sleep,” you told him, unruffled by his sudden appearance. “You’ve witnessed that for yourself.” Tech nearly broke his neck to stare at his brother, his eyes dragging to you and back to Hunter as he tried to work out the meaning behind your words.

“You still need some,” Hunter retorted, running a hand through his hair before replacing his bandana. “The bunk is free.” You sighed and moved past him, you knew an order when you heard one.

“Tech needs sleep too,” you told Hunter with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes, ma’am.” He watched you walk past and get into the bunk that he had just vacated. Frowning at his feet he concentrated on the sound of your breathing and within minutes it had levelled out. Satisfied you were asleep he activated the door to the cockpit and sat in the co-pilot's seat.

Leaning casually on the console he wondered how he could bring this up with Tech. He watched his brother attach the headset to his datapad, no doubt downloading some more sounds onto it for you.

Hunter frowned to himself and pulled his knife free. His fingers weaved the blade with precision as he picked out things to say but it was Tech that broke the silence with a huff.

“I get the distinct impression you wish to speak to me?” Hunter stopped the blade mid move, his fingers pinching the blade.

“I do.” Hunter pushed the blade home and turned the chair to face Tech, crossing his arms. “I feel we need to catch up. It was pretty much radio silence with you in the medbay.”

“There was no need to feel concerned. I was well looked after.”

“Well, I can see that,” Hunter said with a suggestive tone, changing his position to rest an elbow on his thigh and a hand on the other, tilting his body towards Tech. “It’s been over two months. It’s only natural you would…gravitate.”

“We are not celestial bodies, Hunter. To what are you implying?” Tech adjusted his goggles, fingers curling around the rims and Hunter gave a half smile as he exhaled a huff through his nose.

“Nothing. I’m glad you two are friends,” he finished a little stiffly. Tech nodded, once again buried in his task. “She’s right though. You need to rest.”

“I have rested a considerable amount the past couple of months. I am enjoying being back here and occupied,” Tech admitted in a quiet tone.

“All right,” Hunter stood up and put a hand on Tech’s shoulder. “Hasn’t been the same without you.”

You stepped off the ship, your HUD almost devoid of information as it had nothing to register except the rolling plains of yellow grass. The sunlight beat down and you could hear the sound of some fauna drifting through the helmet. Small insects buzzing and calling was the only evidence of their existence.

“The village is a couple of klicks that way,” Tech announced as he consulted his datapad.

“Why are we so far out?” Wrecker moaned.

“So the ship is hidden,” Echo told him. “In case there are Imperial scouts we don’t know about.”

“Oh. Makes sense,” the big clone mumbled.

“Omega,” Tech’s tone stopped her mid-step and she glanced up at him. “Stay close, anything could be hiding in the grass.”

“Ah, yeah.” She backed up into Hunter, clutching her bow as she eyed the tall grass nervously.

Echo sealed the ship up, giving you time to remove your helmet and tilt your face towards the sun. A soft sigh expelled from between your lips and you felt so much lighter, closing your eyes and just taking a moment to bask. It was revitalising. This is what you imagined when Rex said stand in the sun and meditate, this feeling of weightlessness, comfort and warmth.

The boy's voices washed over you, lost in the ripple of the breeze and the swish of the long grass. Absently you reached up, brushing the underside of the tree leaf and you cocked your head, listening. The vibrations that trembled at your fingertips were strong, humming with the contentment of someone welcoming you back. Wrapped up in an embrace so cosy, so safe. Automatically your mind went back to when you felt this before…

Are the trees singing again, Ad’ika?

“Stitch.” Blinking quickly, Tech came into focus and your hand dropped heavily to your side. “Am I interrupting?” He was staring curiously at you, his eyes tracking over your relaxed features as you gave him a grin, but your fingers twitched at your side, itching to feel the vibrations again.

“No, I’m just realising what Rex meant.” You were attuned to Tech more than the others, you could feel the tiny shift in his mood at the mention of Rex but you had no idea what it meant. “Are we going?”

“Stitch! Tech!” Hunter beckoned you over to the edge of the grass plains. “Keep your eyes open, weapons drawn. Stay close,” he demanded of Omega and she nodded, her bow already partially drawn. Hunter made a motion and the boys tightened ranks, keeping you and Omega in the centre. Wrecker brought up the rear, his blaster drawn as he covered you all.

Tech had his vambrace open, his helmet moving from side to side as he surveyed everything around him. You could see from his datapad that he was recording, occasionally holding it up to get a better sound. He still limped, relying heavily on the leg brace to get him through the walk and you did a mental check of what was in your backpack and pouches that could help him.

Echo walked casually along, his kama moving against his legs and you sidled up to him. He glanced at you, unable to read his expression through both of your helmets as he cocked his to the side.

“How is your scomp?” It had been a few weeks since Echo had been in your office with his sandy predicament.

“No complaints,” he told you. You watched the way his vitals appeared on your screen seeing he was nice and relaxed. Your attention turned to Omega, the vitals adjusting for her slightly faster heart rate and elevated temperature. She was excited as she shadowed Hunter through the grass. He swept his knife out through the stalks, parting them with his hand when they became too thick.

“How far?” Asked Wrecker

“Not far.” Tech replied. We should…” he was cut short when Hunter held up his hand, drawing the group to a halt. Everyone crouched, except Tech who spun to put his back against a nearby tree. You heard the grunt that came from him through the com in your helmet and you eyed him cautiously. The vitals on your visor changed, he had a slightly elevated heart rate and you caught the way his fingers flexed uncomfortably over his thigh. The number for his breathing flashed red as his breath hitched and you risked crawling closer to him.

Hunter trailed his fingers in the dirt, Omega’s bow created a purple glow in the middle of the group and Echo’s blaster was already in his hand. You reached a hand towards Tech, placing your palm just above his knee pad to absorb the worst of it. He accepted the way you filtered his pain away with a soft sigh of alleviation.

“Up ahead,” Hunter whispered through your com channel. Tech pulled his binocs free and scanned the surrounding area.

“I see five Mastiff Phalones,” he announced with a whisper. “They have caught our scent.”

“Let’s find some cover,” Hunter suggested. “They will have a harder time surrounding us.” You stood, wrapping an arm around Tech, hearing the hiss of his leg brace as he stepped. Your position was circled by the boys, Tech at your side with both blasters in his hands.

“Two o’clock…” Hunter whispered. Echo backed up slightly when the beast materialised from the tall grass.

You began to shake, your own weapon, a dead weight in your hands as you stared at the creature. They had the heads of birds, wicked curved beaks and fierce yellow eyes that locked onto the group. Blue streaks lined the side of their faces and down their bald necks, leading to thick black plumage that covered their backs. Front legs, scaled and clawed stepped carefully forward. The back of them reminded you of a wolf, lean and furry but ending in more aviation like claws.

They surrounded the group, forcing you back against a large tree trunk that you felt through the material of your gloves. Wrecker stepped forward with a snarl, his blaster trained on the nearest one that snarled back.

You weren’t sure who attacked first, only seeing the flurry of movement and the explosion of blaster first that flashed across your HUD. The noises sounded so loud in your helmet, the cries of the creatures and the brief communication between the boys. You tried to raise your weapon to fight but Tech planted himself before you, his own firing off rapidly until the clearing was empty. The whole encounter took less than 30 seconds.

“They’re gone,” Hunter stayed in his ready stance, blaster resting on his wrist and his knife settled in his hand as he looked around.

“We should continue,” Tech said. “The village is barely 0.5 klicks away.”

“What even are these?” Wrecker asked as he nudged a dead one with his boot.

“Something we don’t want to encounter again,” Echo replied dryly as they began to move away as a group. You lengthened your stride to catch Hunter up and he cast a quick glance at you.

“You all right?” He asked quietly.

“Yes. Well no. Back there…” you swallowed, your glance casting over the screen grateful he couldn’t see how awkward you were being behind the mask.

“What about it?” He prompted you gently.

“We never got round to training me.”

“Hmm.” He seemed to think for a moment. “We can, now Tech is on the mend.”

“I feel so useless,” you admitted bitterly.

“Stitch,” he came to an abrupt stop which you copied, looking up into his helmet as he cocked his head slightly. “You are not useless.”

“We are here.” Tech pushed past you both, breaking through the trees to reveal a small village laid out beneath you at the bottom of the hill. “I now see what they mean by, invasion.” Standing next to Tech you gasped at the sight before you.

Butterflies of every hue littered the rooftops. Most basked in the sun, their bright colours glinting in the light. Others fluttered around in clouds, dipping and weaving as they chased their tails. A vast number of them stretched across fields and lined fences. You watched as people tried to shoo them away, only coming up like a puff of smoke to settle somewhere else.

You could hear the hubbub of the village as though a thousand people were whispering at once and you knocked gently on the side of your helmet, wondering if it was com distortion.

“This is what we’re here for?” Wrecker grumbled.

“I think they’re beautiful!” Omega gasped.

“Beautifully boring.”

“Speak for yourself, Wrecker.” Tech didn’t wait as he made his way towards the village, vambrace open once more and his nose almost pressed against the screen of his datapad. Hunter shook his head, a little chuckle coming through as he watched his brothers and you could tell he was happy to have his squad back together.

Removing your helmet you noticed the village noises didn’t lessen. Frowning a little you couldn’t work out how the few people you could see were making this much noise. The constant chatter whispered in the shell of your ears and you wiped a hand over them as you followed the rest of the group.

They let themselves be known to the leader of the village, a grumpy looking old man with a shock of white hair and grey eyes. It turned out some refugees from the war had made a home here, trying to escape the Empire and slip under the radar.

“Of course if we had known this was going to happen we wouldn’t have settled here,” J’ton said angrily as he gestured to the butterflies. Omega was crouched down peering at some on the floor, her brown eyes wide with wonder. “They’re a beacon to our position! Cid mentioned she knew an entomologist, I didn’t realise she’d send…all of you.”

“I am not an entomologist, but I do know these creatures,” Tech said as he glanced around. “They are Carrier Butterflies.”

“What do they carry?” Wrecker muttered as he swiped a hand at one that got too close. “Patitites?”

“Messages,” Tech answered. “They were used during the Clone Wars as they were not so easily intercepted or jammed. Unlike a transmission.”

“That’s great,” J’ton frowned. “But what do we do with them now?” You lost the train of the conversation as one of the butterflies drifted before you. It was bright royal blue with black edging on its wings, long legs tucked under its body and a tail that flowed with each wing beat. Your gaze fixed on its multifaceted eyes, drawing you in, the sensation of something lucrative just beyond your touch making you want to reach out.

Flattening your palm you felt a thrill as it stretched out its legs and settled delicately in your hand. The antenna waved about, little hairs on the ends fluttering as it seemed to lean towards you.

“Well aren’t you stunning,” you whispered.

“Stunning nuisance!” The butterfly took off quickly at the gruff voice. “We’ve tried eradicating them but they seem clever,” you heard J’ton say. Tech’s reply was lost as you walked over to Omega and knelt on the ground beside her.

“Why would they want to kill them?” She whispered. “It makes me sad.”

“Hopefully we can show them a better way.”

“If anyone can, Tech can.” Both of you looked back at the group, Wrecker had kicked his helmet up to his forehead, blaster thrown over his shoulder as he followed the conversation. Hunter had his tucked under his arm, gesturing with his free hand as he tried to placate the village leader. Tech still had his helmet on, his gaze swinging from side to side, datapad in hand as he listened. Echo stood a little way from the group, facing away from them as he looked back up the hill towards the direction of the Marauder.

Leaving your helmet with Omega you approached Echo, letting your presence be known with a sigh. “You sound as irritated as Wrecker,” he commented but you shook your head.

“It’s beautiful here. It’s a real change from being stuck in the medbay all this time.” He turned to look at you, a noise of hesitation falling from his helmet.

“I should have considered that.”

“It’s ok. Even I forget what I’m missing sometimes. So long I spent cooped up, trapped in the bindings of my captors…at least I don’t have the threat of violence and more scars being added to my body.”

“You never know with Cid,” he joked lightly and you smiled briefly. “So…training, huh?”

“Yeah. Maybe I’ll be able to use this thing accurately,” you gestured to the blaster on your hip. Echo turned to place a hand on your shoulder, he patted you lightly.

“Looks like we’ll be stuck here for a while unless Tech can come up with a solution within the next hour.” You heard the touch of aggravation in his voice but the next time he spoke, it was gone. “We’ll sort you out.” He went to join Omega leaving you with a lingering sense of restlessness. Echo didn’t want to be here.

[autismtana]

santana lopez has adhd (part 1)

^the adhd/lesbian flags^

(*disclaimer: i have adhd myself and work in education/educational psychology, which is the basis of this post in which i get wayyyyy too analytical about a fictional character; however, i'm not a psychiatrist or doctor and am not qualified to diagnose real people with adhd or anything else ... seriously, our only representation is cis white boys whose adhd is an explanation for them being the class clown and treated as a joke so please don't get salty at me for claiming a fictional character that isn't a cis white boy as part of the adhd gang)

(credit to @dojasrivera on twitter for making the og adhd!santana thread; i unfortunately wasn't able to see it as i only found out about it after their original twitter account got suspended but there may be some overlap between their thread and this post)

this ended up being really long and tumblr cut me off so there is going to be a part 2

impulsiveness - let's get this one out of the way first since this is obviously really central to santana's character; she has a tendency to just kind of say whatever she thinks in the moment without thinking about the consequence and it often gets her into trouble.  she also just does random shit like try to get into a physical altercation with lauren zizes who is in the wrestling team, and later move into kurt and rachel's apartment completely out of the blue and go through their stuff for some bizarre reason (which is funny in a tv context but also like ... santana wtf don't go through their stuff).

difficulty initiating and maintaining friendships - santana has maybe 2 secure close friendships throughout the series (brittany and mercedes) and even then there are some complications; brittany because they're in love with each other, and even mercedes competed with santana over puck (ew) but that was resolved by the end of the episode.  all of santana's other female friendships (except tina but they're not really all that close and even they have a one-sided feud in season 4 where surprisingly santana is the unbothered one) appear to be sources of stress and anxiety for her because they revolve around competing (see her storyline with rachel from 5x09-5x13).  it's also established that santana is close friends with quinn throughout the series (even if they have a tendency to compete with each other) but santana says in 5x10 that quinn doesn't live too far away from her and yet she never makes the effort to see her, even though they ended their senior year relatively amicably.  she's way more forgiving of other people than she's given credit for, but she just craves acceptance and friendship from this bunch of misfits so much and is really insecure about whether or not she has it.

rejection sensitive dysphoria - this could literally describe like 90% of her interactions with people (mostly people that aren't brittany).  the entire pezberry feud is essentially santana experiencing rsd around her friendship (or lack thereof) with rachel and then doubling down on rachel's expectations of her to save face.  another example is in 2x20 when kurt wins prom queen and santana's immediate first thought is "everyone hates me".  this post from themostrandomfandom suggests that santana has an anxious attachment type.  even in some of her interactions with brittany, she's anxious about their relationship and needs reassurance ("you didn't say you love me back" in 2x18, "are we dating or what" in 3x04).

disorganisation - santana's bedroom (see 2x15 and 4x04) and locker (see the scene in 3x22 with her mom) are both literal disaster zones, and according to brittany, her car would qualify her to be on "whoreders" (honestly same)

difficulty with time management (chronic lateness) - "i like to make an entrance" aka she lost track of time and knew she was going to be late so she planned it (credit: @smolbrittana on instagram)

emotional reactivity and difficulty with emotional regulation - santana has very visceral reactions to all emotions, positive and negative (see this post by themostrandomfandom) (see this post by drshebloggo); she's very easily affected by external stimuli (e.g. the scene in 1x03 when she gets her tanning privileges revoked).  she feels her emotions really intensely and it takes her a long time to calm down.  she has rage (and of course i'm obligated to include this awesome compilation by literallylebanese).  in the hurt locker scene (2x15), santana articulates really well that she has so many big feelings that she doesn't know what to do with so the only thing she can do about them is lash out at other people. it's also worth noting that santana is extremely defensive and reactive in her social interactions with others; she's very rarely the one to "shoot first" (for lack of a better term) and a lot of her lashing out against her peers (i.e. getting revenge on finn/quinn in 2x12, her interactions with rory in 3x04/3x06, most of her interactions with rachel in 5x09-5x12, her monologue to kurt in 6x03) are in response to perceived wrongdoing/criticism/rejection (i'm not justifying these but context and motivation matters). she also has really visceral reactions to positive emotions; her whole face just instantly lights up when brittany smiles at her or touches her or someone compliments her.

poor financial management skills - homegirl literally blew half of her college fund on post-breakup retail therapy (maribel lopez seriously i love you but why would you just hand this child a cheque if you knew she was getting a scholarship)

impulsiveness around romantic relationships - u-haul lesbian jokes aside, santana moves very fast with dani, calling dani her girlfriend within like 5 seconds of meeting her, it's unclear when she and dani officially break up (my headcanon is that things went somewhat sour after dani voted to kick santana and rachel out of pamela lansbury, especially based on what we know about santana and her feelings of anxiety around real and/or perceived rejection, but i guess we'll never know). it's possible that dani may have been a hyperfixation.

poor adult interactions/distrust in authority - homegirl has this in spades; her abuela literally threatens to beat her up with a chair and tried to sell her once, and sue mistreats all the cheerleaders on a regular basis. even will schuester who she says she likes kicks her out of glee club, refuses to defend her and pushes for her to get suspended after the finn incident (as does shelby corcoran), and shames her for reporting his subpar teaching, so that's educational trauma on top of that and she has a tendency to challenge them, mr schuester especially.

compulsive fidgeting - often has a nail file or one of brittany's funky pens, also often fidgets with her hands when she's nervous - mostly around her britt-britt (see also)

extroverted introvert - santana is simultaneously brash and outspoken while also being bashful and socially awkward (see her interactions in 5x02 with dani)

(part 2)

[olderthannetfic]

On the subject of blocking, I think entering a new fandom and blocking a huge section of it straight away is self care at this point. If I read any post along the lines of "if you like this fictional thing then you are..." I block immediately. If a friend knows the fandom, I follow their advice and block the people they suggest too after a quick scroll (I know a lot of people do this). Fandom isn't a community anymore. It's finding a small handful of people to enjoy the thing with and hiding from everyone else.

I read a post on Twitter that talked about how old school fan culture was dying, and how preemptively blocking/antis were killing fandom because it was forcing people to engage and communicate less. I was sad to realize I was part of the problem, but I've had so many bad experiences. I preemptively block based on a particular ship and two characters in A fandom, because of how horribly disgusting the fans are (to each other, to people who like something different, and the content they create is often squicky/poorly tagged). I realize this is almost "anti" behaviour (judging people's character for their fictional tastes), but it was endemic. I don't harass, I walk away silently and filter them out. So hopefully not as bad?

The final straw for me was the "antis in disguise". People who profess to love Dead Dove content (and also write it), but then are aggressive/vile to people who like/don't like different characters, forms of canon, etc, and have extensive trigger lists in their servers, while telling people the right way to fandom (which is to only like what they do). For me, the only "right way" is to let people love their thing and don't harass, while making content for your thing. I was in one for an IP where hunting, death and murder were a huge part of the narrative... and death is on the trigger list. Any and all mentions of it. Yes. Even "that's so funny, I'm deceased".

I'm sorry for the ramble. I have a lot of feelings about being guilted for blocking and setting up boundaries. Especially one person using their RSD to claim they were being bullied! Fandom is mad these days. Mad!

—

I die laughing every time I see someone who thinks they’ve been around a long time but who is somehow still such a n00b that they could say blocking kills old fandom culture.

You know what kills oldschool fandom culture? TWITTER

It’s short form quips. Oldschool fandom was interminable tl;dr. It’s open and public. Oldschool fandom was invite-only with dense webs of social connections required to access it and a natural result of being in it. Some people took their old friendships to twitter with them, but if they want to know why things feel different now, it’s because they went to that piece of shit website. That’s not the fault of the rest of us.

Back in the day, m/m shippers often found a little group of their own people and hid from the haters. Those few tragic souls who liked whatsherface from the last season of Beauty and the Beast did the same. Anime fans weren’t always in the buddy cop fandoms and vice versa, except for FAKE. Fandom has never been just one community. That’s an illusion born of nostalgia and planting one’s head firmly in the sand.

You know what forces people to communicate and engage less? Platforms that make them feel unsafe. Randos being able to turn up in the comments to go “Well, actually!” without the poster having any ability to keep them out. And sure, antis are part of that, but we’ve always had haters of other sorts and always had to get rid of them in order to have a civil discussion.

Denying dickheads access to your time does not kill communication.

If someone on twitter actually meant what you’ve written about above, then they’re clueless. If they want oldschool fandom culture, they need look no further than their own pen. Post long-ass “thinky thoughts” (and use cringe-inducing terms like “thinky thoughts”) and oldschool culture will come to you… And maybe, while you’re at it, figure out if oldschool means LJ culture, forum culture, FFN culture, mailing list culture, Usenet culture, fanfic convention culture, AMV editor culture, 80s multifandom zine culture, 70s Star Trek zine culture…

[imwretched]

Hi Erin, did you have any luck securing RSD vinyls? My record store handled it so badly this year, I got what I wanted except for one vinyl so I’m lucky but they basically let like 50 people at once in and all the vinyls were only stored in one spot of the store and I was trapped between people fighting 💀💀💀

wow that sounds crazy omg! fighting over records is so silly. mine was organized single file and everyone was very nice but unfortunately I was like halfway through when they announced maisie's was sold out :( (I kind of expected it based on the line in front of me lmao) so if you have any tips on how to get records on the secondary market let me know 😭

one good thing is that I learned the process for next year and just how early I need to get there because I did not expect so many people to show up, especially so many younger people with the same interests as me like I saw so many people wearing taylor cardigans and olivia shirts!

[vydumaj]

I wish peer pressure worked on me… if I don’t want to do something, even if it’s what everyone else is doing, what I “should” want and beneficial for me in the future …I just don’t. Especially in social situations, but for almost everything in general. Even if I’ll be seen as stupid or boring or simply ignored and not seen at all if I abstain from something I find mildly unappealing I just won’t do it… and the more other people want the thing I don’t think sounds interesting the less I want to try. This is why I made no friends in high school and ruined my own social life and social abilities for the future. I have a weak stomach and was too afraid to try alcohol and didn’t want to go to parties with all these new people and make friends, so I didn’t (plus it would inconvenience my mom and that’s the absolute worst possible thing I can do according to my brain)

I start a new major at university tomorrow, moving to the technical faculty, and that’s a very…communal ? faculty, like people wear matching overalls and gain badges for doing various weird challenges (usually partying or camping or something publicly embarrassing) and it is super widespread, even when studying at other faculties I would see people from the technical faculty in their color-coded overalls.they basically expect everyone to join these initiation activities tomorrow (the overalls aren’t mandatory for that but they’re very much a part of it) and I just…I don’t have this in me and it’s going to make me an outcast for another five years if I even last that long in there (having no friends or social network certainly won’t help) but I just…don’t want to. I will be going home before lunch bc I can’t make myself want to join that. Part of this is probably fear of being perceived and seen as inadequate by others (plus the fact that I know that I’ll be four years older than everyone coming straight from high school which is…most people, at a program like this) … a tumblr mutual described symptoms of rsd (rejection sensitive dysphoria) and I can definitely relate to a lot of those but I’m not sure I actually have the diagnosis, but, yeah that’s part of my fears I guess… but at the same time it’s just like. I really don’t want to do this. Partying with lots of alcohol and matching overalls just doesn’t sound fun to me. Decorating t-shirts and sleeping in sleeping sacks in random lecture halls doesn’t sound fun to me… so I just won’t do it. (Plus I feel like the age difference between me and 19 year olds fresh from high school is too big for me to connect with anyone and befriend them anyway.)

I really hate this about my personality because it makes no sense. I don’t even want to stand out or be exceptional. I wish I just did conform and could make myself want what “everyone else” wants, or expects me to want (or at least do anyway)… but I just can’t. For some stupid reason my brain decreases the appeal in things I didn’t find appealing from the start the more other people want them and I’m expected to want them. Why!! This way I’ll always be a burden on my mom, by holding back and refusing to do things I don’t want to do that would make my life move forward and easier … why!!

[rxttenslutcemeterysys]

✡⤷ salix / sal / sally

he ` shx ` it ` thing ` fuck + ageslider (12-20), but normally about 17-18 the most. mlm + pangender/genderfluid + monogamous(maybe ambi, idfk nor do i care) — introject, derealization hldr, rage hldr, persecutor. — ED, BPD, C-PTSD, RSD, DPD(?), HPD(?), Bipolar, and Insomnia. — sign off is 🎃

★★ notes almost entirely apathetic except for a few rare people. very against authority unless you're kinda my chosen person. i practically fucking manage the fight ring in headspace so i spend a lot of time there. Kinda funny how i went from getting thrown into it to practically owning it. they keep a muzzle on me for the most part cause i bite and bite hard. not really allowed in front but i don't care. will probably only front when we're alone cause everyone in our life pisses me off. hella paraphilles and a kleptomaniac.

im on at least ONE substance at all time. never entirely sober :)

british twink is how ghost(+ a few others) describes me so idfk.

dark humor to the MAX (esp religious ones omfg-) ★★ boundaries

touch ; yes flirting ; yes petnames ; yes nicknames; yes

"yk... dark humor is like food. not everyone gets it." :)

[analyticalrachael]

True story

People have been doing nothing but piss me off today. First it was the talking over me shit that literally everyone on Discord does, then it was stupid fucking trigger again.

I figured I really only have 6 people in my life worth a damn. One being my gf, one being an extra close friend to me and her, both offline rn... 2 others on Discord but I'd rather not bother them with my problems if I can help it. And the other 2? Tumblr moots who I can share nearly anything with. So I decided "You know what? I'm gonna let my Tumblr moots know how much they mean to me", and I opened up the DMs to one of them.

Only to see they had deactivated.

No other way of talking to them.

Fucking fuck everything.

I just wanna fucking die so fucking bad.

I WAS LONELY BEFORE I LOST THEM. WHAT THE FUCK? I'M A NEURODIVERGENT SNOWFLAKE WITH EXTREME RSD AND SHITTY OPINIONS IN A WORLD WHERE ALL EXCEPT SIX PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS WITH ME EXISTING... AND NOW IT'S FIVE?

I have half a mind to dox myself in the hopes that someone will hire a hitman to kill me.

[ultimateplaylistmaker]

Tsumugi walks over to the site where the other classmates would be, Kiibo silently following along. His final orders until the mind wipe were to remain silent as to not draw attention or blow their cover. Everyone greeted them as Tsumugi wore a smile. Though, Rantaro had a bad feeling. Her smile felt...sinister. Like, it was a mask of sorts...

Tsumugi started her phone and began live streaming. After all, this would be taking place live! Where would this be sent to? Why, everything with a screen! Jumbo trons, phones, Netflix, you name it! All thanks to Kiibo of course.

Tsumugi: Hello, everyone! I'm Tsumugi Shirogane, and welcome to my livestream! As you can see, I've brought 15 of my friends all here to take part in a fan project I wish to make into reality! You know...someone once told me...that a particular interest of mine was stupid. That it just didn't appeal to them. They may have said that, but I could tell what they truthfully meant. That it was all fake, that none of it really mattered, that there's loads of inconsistencies and logical fallacies.

Elsewhere....

Actor Hajime: .....Guuuuuys?

Actor Chiaki: This is ominous.

Actor Nagito: T-This is just...an announcement for a fan project, right?

Back to Mugi....

Rantaro: Tsumugi?

Tsumugi: I thought they hated it. But I realized. They only didn't get it BECAUSE it was fiction! They're stuck in this drab and dreary reality, so of course they wouldn't understand! But if I could bring the fiction here, then they'd understand! Everyone would understand!

Shuichi, worried: Uh, Tsumugi? What're you talking about?

Tsumugi, ignoring him: I even brought a fan favorite to life!

With a snap of her fingers, Monokuma appeared.

Monokuma: Hi! Hello!

Everyone slowly begins panicking.

Tsumugi: You'll see....you'll all see just how wonderful it is!

Rantaro grabs Tsumugi's shoulders.

Rantaro: Tsumugi, what the hell is going on?!

Tsumugi, calm: Ah....Rantaro...why're you so panicked. This is what you wanted remember?

Flashback lights pop up from the ground and aim themselves at everyone.

Tsumugi: Trigger Happy Havoc took place in a real fiction school....Goodbye Despair took place in the Neo World Program, the second version of it's reality. And now...this will take place in the third version, our reality! The fifty third season of Danganronpa! Danganronpa V3!

Tsumugi's eyes dart to Kaede, and Kaede feels as if she has a gun pointed to her head. Tsumugi is wearing a wicked smile on her face.

Tsumugi: KILLING HARMONY!

And with a snap, the flashback lights went off. It was only for a moment, but as soon as the cameras readjusted, everyone except Tsumugi was unconscious. She just stared at the camera with a silently calm smile, staring directly into it.

Tsumugi: Now then...please enjoy...our killing school life.

Camera shuts off.

so goddamn dramatic, Tsumugi this is not how we cope with RSD-

[eirenical]

15, 16, 30?

[Here are the questions, if anyone else wants to send any.]

Oh wow. I don't think I've answered any of these yet. XD

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

omg ALL OF THEM?? NO WiP LEFT BEHIND. *shakes fist at the sky*

No, but seriously, I never say never on a WiP. I have found myself LITERALLY 25 YEARS AFTER I THOUGHT I GAVE UP ON A FIC... coming back and working on it. (Osozaki Blooms, I STG, I will finish you someday. *clenches fist*) So they all come with me. Every year. Whether I want them to or not. No exceptions. XD

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

OK, I don't think I can break this down by year, so this is overall:

Angst (31)

Emotional Hurt/Comfort (26)

Alternate Universe - Modern Setting (22)

Hurt/Comfort (20)

...that modern AU tag being so high is 100% the fault of Les Mis, still. XD But I feel like the others were fairly predictable. XD

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

The fact that I wrote at all? OTZ

Seriously, I cannot even begin to express how burnt out I have been this year. My health has suffered. I've had brand new super obnoxious anxiety symptoms that WILL NOT QUIT. (...yes, I'm still breaking out in hives literally every night. *sigh*) Work has been absolutely miserable and I regularly feel like I'm failing at it and everyone there hates me and thinks I'm stupid. (I KNOW this is the RSD talking. I know it is. But knowing that doesn't help me combat it. *sigh*) And I have barely had the energy to participate in anything I love. My hobbies stress me out, too. Like, the fact that I wrote anything at ALL is really the biggest surprise of all of them.

After that?

...second person POV fic???

Seriously, brain, wtf was that? 😂