#this is how i return to regular posting

[bloodpen-to-paper]

QSMP Awards 2024 Summarized

-The audio was scuffed for the first half. I don't mean a little crispy. I don't mean with a slight echo. It was fucked in every way imaginable. The audio sounded like it was going through a blender. Then it kept getting too loud, then too quiet (so much so we couldn't hear), all while being way too crispy. Charlie Slimecicle monologued to the audience while the team was trying to fix it but since the audio was both too crispy and too quiet we couldn't actually understand anything he was saying. This carried on for about 7 minutes with him holding two microphones, neither of which was working, before the stream crashed (again)

-All the staff are apparently Cucurucho, with one of them being a "main Cucurucho"

-Missa wore a "Quackity my beloved" shirt. I could not explain to you what the blazer over it was supposed to be.

-Everyone else at the ceremony was shown through discord call. I'm convinced Charlie has never seen German or Lenay's faces cause he did not know it was them until Quackity said their names

-The screen was supposed to switch between showing all the people on the discord and it kept switching between the same four people. If I have to hear Q, Charlie and Missa chant "Foolish" or "Pol" ever again-

-Mariana showed up and Charlie immediately went into bitter ex mode. He also hit on Mariana. Multiple times.

-We got a patented Ironmouse "coño" and chat lost their shit over Luzu existing, as expected

-Mariana looked like Michael Jackson, Bad's background could've been the set of Breaking Bad, Roier had a ski mask, lots of people learned what Lenay, German and Vegetta's looked like for the first time, and Mike had a kawaii filter

-Somehow Bad didn't even get nominated for Best Cucurucho Jumpscare, showing that even non-red carpet events can produce award snubs (congrats to Bagi!)

-Though I yearned for Maximus getting nominated for his Eh Vegetta prank, we all knew the win had to go to Vegetta for the mines

-The audio eventually became bearable but the echo never fully left. At some point there were like three or four overlaps of Vegetta giving his acceptance speech

-Acau won for Best Death from getting killed by an enderman (in my heart Foolish's accidental death by Pomme's sniper that got him eliminated from the elections won, but we did get Quackity dying to a fly as a nom so I feel complete. Also congrats to Acau!)

-The Qsmp shop is officially open! We got eggie merch :]

-Quackity forgot to roll clips for the Best Purgatory 2 Moment nominees and almost read out the winner before we got the montage (Wuant won! It was the clip of him being told he lost and he accidentally did a flip. They weren't able to get the acceptance speech on stream so we saw it from Quackity's phone)

-Funniest QSMP Moment nominees were all fucking hilarious, its hard to pick just one but Maxo winning for when he respawned after a lore-heavy moment in Pierre's bed to his own moans being remixed into a song absolutely deserved the win

-Saddest QSMP Moment was unnecessary and the admins will be hearing from my lawyers for making me relive Dapper's first lost life, Dia de los Muertos and the end of Purgatory 1 (Jaiden and Roier saying bye to Bobby won, Roier changed his screen to black and white and held up what looked like a mini Cucurucho being used as a cross)

-Best QSMP Original Song was played prematurely when the category was Best Language Exchange, and we got a spoiler for the winner (YD and Hugo's exchange won and YD's audio was muted so we just saw her Vtuber model getting excited)

-The aforementioned Best Qsmp Original Song had Gordinho Gostosinho looping aggressively over Charlie singing the Juanaflippa song, which I hope to god gets clipped cause it was hilarious (I'm glad the Roier and Cucurucho rap got nominated). Charlie was very confused why they had him announce his own win.

-Best PVP unsurprisingly went to Etoiles for his colosseum Code fight, after all he is the Best🔥 (the other noms were great too, we had Philza vs Tubbo in Purgatory, Bad and Maxo eliminating El Quackity from the elections, and a cute sparring session between Pac and Richas)

-Best Qsmp Fails went to Fit for that time Pac's internet cut out during their date (of course he bragged about his Brasilian boyfriend after learning he won for best loser)(also if it was up to me Quackity's fly deaths would've been added to this category just sayin')

-The audio problems were revealed to have been roleplay the entire time. Yep. All part of the lore.

-Speaking of, most of the winners who were in the discord call could not be heard so they had to give speeches through Quackity holding his phone up to the mic

-Best Roleplayer went to Roier for his Doied arc (the screen prematurely showed him before they could read the announcement, and his speech was him kissing the camera)

-Worst Server House went to Mariana accompanied with the classic clip of him reacting to the admins roasting his started base; Mariana was part of the discord call but left at some point so he couldn't give a speech, to which Charlie jumped on the opportunity to roast his absence like a shark smelling blood (they rightfully nominated Quackity for his clip of Acau reacting to his failure of a starter house, and apparently Carre's base is just his bed on a dirt plot)

-Most Iconic Clip went to Pac for stealing the Qsmp Logo (the other lovely noms included Foolish and co. accidentally closing their house door after a creeper came in an attempt to shut it out, and Tina reacting to a mob giving Felps a blowjob)

-The Most Bankrupt Islander went to Niki for being broke, we stan (during the nom montage we got a passa tudo mention)

-The Creator Who Spent the Most Time on the Server Award went to Bad, which was shocking to no one, although they did use his Barbie Girl clip for the nom montage (they also used Fit wearing a wig for his clip)

-The Qsmp cake for the one year anniversary had the text "FELICIDADES ALBERTO". We do not know who Alberto is. Pol was losing it.

-Tubbo won for The Creator With the Most Deaths (106), while The Creator With Fewest Deaths went to Philza (he only had 1!). Philza was able to be heard through stream but the hosts didn't know this so they would hear him from Quackity's phone and repeat what he was saying even though we could hear him

-Everytime the camera cut back to the hosts Charlie, Quackity and Missa had more cake on their faces

-Most Distance Traveled (in Minecraft) went to Etoiles (6,000+ km jfc)

-Creator With the Most Mob Kills went to Pierre (162,960 mob kills. what the fuck.)

-They accidentally read the award for Creator With the Most Damage Taken (Foolish) during the Best Builder announcement, confusing the shit out of everyone, especially cause the screen showed Mike instead of Foolish. I am still unclear who won Best Builder

-Creator With the Most Blocks Placed went to Mike!!! (MIKE WIN VAMBORAAAAAAAAAAA🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷)

-We had to uncomfortably sit through Missa feeding Charlie cake (and just Charlie in general)

-There was an In Memorium segment of the passed eggs (Quackity shat on a grieiving Charlie for Flippa only lasting 11 days, but in Charlie's words, "to you it was 11 days; to her it was a lifetime"). Charlie commentated and had nothing to say about Trump because he didn't know jack shit about Trump (though he did make a wall joke which is exactly what Maxo would have wanted godbless🙏)

-The stream ended with the discord people saying goodbye, while Roier was holding up the mini Cucuruchos and didn't move the entire time. I know he wasn't frozen because he blinked.

-Maxo sent in his acceptance speech video last minute and Quackity hyped it up as a mysterious final entry but Charlie guessed it was Maxo and spoiled it on accident

-Speaking of, Maxo's entry was him walking around heaven looking for Trump </3

-Charlie gave a heartfelt speech about the people he met through the Qsmp, all while looking like ate out frosty the snowman <3. Missa simpy thanked Alberto (we still do not know who Alberto is)

-Tubbo wasn't present in the discord call because he thought him streaming meant he couldn't join. After the stream Quackity called and Tubbo realized he was allowed to join the whole time

-We ended on a montage of various moments, with a message of excitement looking forward to the next year!

And of course, here are the screenies I managed to nab of the hosts slowly deteriorating into cake

[sergle]

There's something about like. A certain genre of posts / Online Opinions about insecurity/depression/misery/complaints that are so unhelpful that they wrap right around to being straight up hilarious. and it's the ones that are more or less written to the tone of "Feeling bad? That's gross!" Like, just so you know, don't voice your insecurities/ have low self esteem, because that's offputting! You're gross and weird. Don't be insecure about that, though. That would be stupid if you felt insecure about people disliking you for being insecure. Not attractive. You should be thinking about being as attractive as possible. You shouldn't make comments about suicide, even if you're suicidal! Keep those thoughts entirely to yourself. Make sure nobody around you knows you're thinking about this. It would Make Them Uncomfortable. It's better to keep these thoughts in your head where they can fester. Don't post OR talk to friends with complaints about you feeling miserable or depressed. Tbh people who are sad/upset a lot? Kinda a red flag! You are probably miserable because you're a bad person and you've brought this on yourself. If you don't have friends, it's because you're awful to be around. Easy! Solved the problem for you. And no, there is no nuance to this, got it? So, make sure to feel bad about feeling bad, but don't feel bad about it, because, well, that's just gross. And annoying! You might've wanted your brain rotted thoughts to be Peer Reviewed, you might have just needed to vent- you might've been hoping for some comfort, to get things off your chest. Well, don't! Don't talk about thoughts or feelings that are negative with your friends, you'd be burdening them and that's only meant for THERAPY. #SponsoredbyBetterHelp #MentalHealth like, DAMN. that's so helpful. you're so good at helping. I um really liked the part where these are all hard and fast rules that encourage keeping feelings bottled up and keeping your friends at arm's length. That's really funny of you.

[kirisclangen]

Zelda

She/her, 65 moons, cis molly

[victorluvsalice]

Valicer Multiamory Month, Day Thirteen: The polycule taking care of a child or pet (Valicer In The Dark AU)

The unluckiest day in Multiamory March (from @polyamships)? Not for me, because this prompt was another easy one to figure out -- I saw "the polycule taking care of a child or pet" and went, "well, hey, I just did a post on the pets that my Valicer In The Dark trio picks up over the course of their adventures. Might as well make use of that!" So here we have a short of the VITD trio and their pets having a nice, quiet, cozy time together. :) Enjoy!

--

This is nice.

Smiler looked up – well, down, technically – from their magazine. “Did you say something, Us?”

This is nice, Us obligingly repeated, wiggling their tentacles as they kneaded Smiler’s leg with their paws. All our friends sitting together. It’s cozy.

Smiler looked down the length of the couch. At the opposite end from them sat Alice, knitting needles in hand, concentrating very hard on her latest practice scarf. In her lap, Guide the cat lounged, idly batting the ball of yarn next to her with a white paw and letting out the occasional “mew.” Next to them, tucked in the middle, Victor was bent over his sketchbook, diligently scratching away with his quill as he sketched – something, the angle was wrong for Smiler to see. Dogmeat the Skovlan Shepherd dozed at his feet, brown tail absently thumping against the ground, and Benny the lap dragon curled around his neck, watching the motion of the quill raptly and occasionally mimicking it with his golden claws. And then, of course, there was Smiler themselves, leaning against the arm of the sofa with their latest edition of Amusements (“A Magazine Full Of Chuckles And Smiles,” strangely enough not an Advocate publication), with Sooty the raven on their shoulder, reading along, and Us the brain-creature spread out on their lap. They smiled and nodded. “You’re right. It is very cozy.”

“Rawk!” Sooty agreed, flapping his wings.

“Woof,” Dogmeat put in, raising his brown-and-black head.

“Merow,” Guide added, rolling onto her belly and flexing her claws.

“Peeep!” Benny finished off, nuzzling his dark blue head against Victor’s cheek.

Alice chuckled. “I think that’s a yes from everyone.”

“It certainly is from me,” Victor said with a nod, smiling. “I’m so glad we can have moments like this.”

Smiler nodded back, petting Us’s (slightly sticky) brain folds. “Me too.”

Us curled a tentacle around their fingers. Me three.

[abirddogmoment]

In the same vein as my Dog Thoughts post about performance foundations last night, the more I watch Sports People, the more motivated I am to distance myself from them and be done with dog sports completely.

[smile-files]

i continue to find ii3 baffling. why did they make it (this isn't to hate on the season, i'm genuinely curious)

[flockrest]

unprompted / always accepting / @gloryseized ( Link )

     So it's a pretty slow-going night for collecting star fragments, as it turns out.

     Which is totally fine! Really! They can't all be winners — and it gives Tulin all the more time to get Link caught up on everything that's happened to the flock while he was away!

     But. Well.

     Even in knowing this, the disappointment that ruffles his feathers is a hard thing to ignore. It's been too long since they'd last hung out like this, both ( mostly Link ) too busy with their own dedications and responsibilities ( mostly Link ) to find the chance to have fun just for the sake of having fun, and now the fun's not even gonna have the decency to start when they're all prepped for it to?

     Go figure.

     He chatters on some more 'bout the ( thankfully harmless but very hilarious all the same ) explosion Molli accidentally ignited on Master Revali's Landing the other day, continuing to try pacing his restlessness out along the deck of the Stormwind Ark near where Link's seated himself, before eventually flumping down beside him with a sigh he can't quite keep locked behind his beak. He lolls back 'til his head's on the hero's shoulder, semiplumes squished up 'gainst Link's ear and cheek.

     "Sorry it's so boring up here," he says, feeling ridiculous for it a second later 'cause it's not like Tulin has any sorta control over when and where stars fall. It still feels like it's kinda his fault for how things are going, though — they were s'pposed to be in Necluda's skies tonight ( they were s'pposed to be there two moon phasings ago, actually, but who's counting ) as per their routine, but his brother had arrived at their peaks real tired and Tulin hadn't wanted to push him into being, like, dead-tired. Even if Link insisted otherwise.

     The shoulder beneath his head rises and dips in what he's fairly sure is probably a snicker. Tulin turns then, playfully offended squawk already building up in his chest, 'cept Link isn't actually laughing at him.

<< I'm glad you're here. >>

     Oh.

     Feathers puffing with a delighted, tickling warmth, Tulin feels the joy that always sweeps over him when Link's being real nice like this all the way down to the tips of his talons. To all the tiniest spaces between his bones! They're flock and nest, 'course, so this isn't the first time he's been told something along these lines, but the love that radiates from that quiet smile and those assured signs just seems— heavier. Fuller. Link's-talking-'bout-more-than-right-here-and-now-er. It's seriously hard to resist bowling him over with a hug in the face of it.

     Tulin's getting better at not immediately ruining a peaceful moment when he sees one though, and that tends to require a more delicate touch. ( Or, uh, as delicate a touch as he can manage. )

     "That makes two of us!" he laughs, beaming with barely contained giddiness and nudging at Link with a wing. Then, y'know what, he gives the night sky around them one last look, scoots closer, and plops the back of his head right down onto his brother's lap. If the stars remained still for whatever time they have left before they gotta go, Tulin decides he wouldn't mind it if it meant being together like this just a while longer. "I'm glad you're here, too!"

[cakeissweeterthanpickles]

FYI I scheduled a lot of birthday related posts for today so. That's why you're seeing them all.

I'm going to be annoying sorrrryyyy

[honey-tongued-devil]

Arcane preference reacting to a s/o with a mental health issues (eating)

My disclaimer, as someone with this issue, I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted. I’ve actually been thinking about it for a while, but I was a bit cowardly about doing it, so I’m taking the opportunity now. I don’t want to go out of character, so I’m sorry if some characters come across as harsher than others. Unfortunately, I know I should write the name of the illness, but if I post it that way, Tumblr will take it down.

Jayce:

- He’s academically intelligent, but it takes him far too long to notice that something’s wrong. But you can’t blame him, it’s something so far removed from him that he couldn’t have understood it sooner.

- When he does realize, his first reaction is panic.

- Jayce can’t feel like just a blade of grass; he feels emotions deeply, taking on any blame, especially if something happens to the people he loves. His first thought is that he did something to make you feel that way, inadequate.

- But once the panic phase ends, the responsibility phase begins.

- He does the grocery shopping, he cooks, and his workouts become more regular, where he has you climb onto his back while doing push-ups or holds you in his arms during other exercises.

- He doesn’t know why you do it, but the quickest way to show you that your weight isn’t a problem is by showing you how easily he lifts you.

- And maybe, if you feel up to it, he can hold you in his arms with one arm supporting you while he cooks, letting you taste various ingredients.

Viktor:

- Unlike Jayce, it only takes two suspicious behaviors in a row for him to understand what’s happening. It’s something far from his world, sure, but he recognizes it.

- And he confronts you. He doesn’t beat around the bush, doesn’t stammer; he might even sound angry because he doesn’t understand why you’d hurt yourself like this and willingly give up your well-being.

- I won’t lie, I doubt that an open discussion about something this delicate with him wouldn’t lead to at least one hysterical cry.

- But he’s not brutal for the sake of being brutal; his suffering and frustration turn into anger. It takes him a while to calm down, but he won’t accept compromises.

- You’ll have meals together at home, either returning to your rooms together or straight to the house, so no one can see you and you won’t feel bad.

- And he won’t force you, he tries to handle it with as much care as possible, but there’s no day that goes by without him getting up from the table if you haven’t eaten at least two food items per meal.

- He loves you too much to see you hurt yourself in that way, and knowing that he can't do anything about it makes him feel powerless.

Ekko:

- It takes him a week—not to understand, but to process it.

- Having grown up in total poverty, the idea of giving up food “for whim” makes him react in a way that is only human.

- And the whole thing is too distant for him: everyone’s skin is grayish, 90% of the population of the Lanes has missing limbs and monstrous prosthetics, and everyone’s goal is to survive as long as possible. What does it mean that you’re against your own survival??

- As unsupportive as he might be regarding the issue, he becomes incredibly vigilant and concerned.

- He’ll always make sure you’re warm enough, that you’re comfortable, and no matter how frustrated he is, he’ll always try to stay close to you, even just holding you in bed until you fall asleep.

- Every single comment you make about your body, he’ll respond with, “Don’t talk about my partner like that,” 

- no one can speak badly of you, not even you.

Vander:

- The most understanding: he was young once too, and although in his size meant an advantage, he and Silco snuck into various galas when they were younger, and there, even though he never had these problems, he would feel a strange sensation seeing that he was the biggest in the room or that it was hard to find someone to steal clothes from that would fit him.

- He doesn’t lecture you or anything like that, he doesn’t get angry despite how he grew up; he just feels sadness for you that you can’t see how little that complex matters and how beautiful you already are.

- His compromise is vegetables. If you don’t feel like eating every meal every day, it doesn’t matter, but at least four days a week, you have to have three meals.

- And for the rest, he’ll cook, making sure to prepare the best dishes made from vegetables so that you don’t feel guilty and your body doesn’t deteriorate.

- But he doesn’t support your illness, he simply ensures that you get everything you need and never go below the necessary intake without having you feeling guilty about it.

Silco:

- Hoping that the most attentive and watchful man in the lanes wouldn't notice how, suddenly, meals go from moments of lightness to something you try to avoid at all costs is a bit foolish, but he says nothing.

- He waits for as long as necessary, basically to see how long it lasts and how much you're not planning to talk to him.

- When he realizes you won’t, not anytime soon, he waits for you to be alone in his office, where you’ll find a slice of cake on his desk. Sure, it’s a low blow, but it’s also the fastest way to get you to confront the issue without too many escape routes.

- He’s a big fan of the saying “dirty laundry is washed in the family,” so if you act strange about meals in front of others, he won’t allow questions or jokes, but in private, he won’t accept “no” for an answer.

- He has enough problems already without you crying from hunger pains or having psychotic episodes due to sugar deficiency, so as long as you're under his watch, under Zaun's eye, he won't let you live with unhealthy standards.

- During meals, he becomes the strictest. He doesn’t say anything, but one look is enough to make you think twice about contradicting him. In the evening, though, when your mental health is most fragile, he becomes gentler, comforting you as much as you need.

Jinx:

- You find fertile ground, but like any good bearer of the same issue: she feels she can do it, but you cannot.

- Being with her or in her space becomes like a live-action version of Thumbelina: she’ll leave sweets, chocolates, things she knows you like to encourage you to eat so you can’t hurt yourself.

- She usually forgets to eat herself when she’s caught up in her studies and work, but if she has someone to care for, it doesn’t matter how, she’ll make sure to remember. Even if it means setting a few colorful bombs with timers.

- She feeds you. In the most visible, worst way. It’s easy that if you turn your head, you’ll find a cookie shoved in your mouth unceremoniously.

- And every single tight-fitting outfit disappears from her lair. Magically, whatever clothes you pick up from her pile fit loosely, but if you ask her about it, she’ll claim she doesn’t know what are you talking about.

Vi:

- Want to see Vi in a panic, becoming super protective and possessive in a way? Just wait for one episode, and you’ll see everything you haven’t seen.

- She’ll check on you at least three times a day, and in the evening, when you have pain or a crisis, she’ll run back and forth from the room, thinking about everything she can do to help you feel better without making you feel guilty.

- During meals, she’ll hold you in her arms and insist that you eat, but not aggressively—in a way that’s almost frightened: she’s always been used to fighting big, real monsters, but even when it came to her sister, she could never defeat the invisible ones, and the fear of failing or hurting someone she loved again terrifies her in an agonizing way.

Caitlyn:

- Like Jayce, she’ll also try a more physical way of reassuring you, like body worshipping when you’re alone or working out with you to show you that your weight doesn’t matter.

- She doesn’t know how to react; she realizes it quite quickly but fears that by acknowledging it, she might only make you feel worse.

- One day, she gathers the courage to ask if everything is okay and tells you that she’s noticed those behaviors. When you open up to her, telling her about the issues, she doesn’t respond right away and simply hugs you.

- She becomes more caring, making sure that you don’t have to attend banquets or dinners where you wouldn’t feel comfortable, bringing you food in your room to eat together, and sometimes even leaving the room so as not to put pressure on you.

- When you mention a craving, she immediately springs into action to get it for you, even if you complain that you weren’t serious. Once she understands how your condition works, she orders everything in three portions, so she can eat with you and then be the first to say that she wants more, asking if you want to share the third portion.

- If you have fat accumulated in any area, she’ll knead it with her hands while kissing you, to let you know that she loves every inch of you.

Mel:

- She notices you're having a crisis before you even realize it yourself.

- She’s a ruler, but what she learned from a young age is that a leader must appear reliable and look good, so even if unconsciously, she too sometimes experiences small crises when she feels like she isn’t looking perfect.

- No conversations, no lectures, just an increase in cuddles, moments of intimacy, and later, she brings home sweets.

- “They were a gift to me today at the council,” she lies, but sometimes she says she got them for both of you.

- She doesn’t want to make you feel like you’re in the wrong.

- She knows that when you’re ready and if you want to, you’ll bring up the issue with her, but for now, the best thing she can do is help you get through the episode with euphoria, love, and treats that encourage you to listen to your hunger rather than the illness.

Sevika:

- Like everyone in Zaun, the idea that someone would voluntarily give up food is simply incomprehensible to her.

- But she won’t comment on your problems. She doesn’t intend to invalidate them, but she also won’t encourage it.

- “Are you sure? That’s a bit too little,” will be her comment when you eat something ridiculously small, before making you a proper portion of food herself. If you try to argue, she’ll respond with a smug smile, saying that if you eat that little, you’ll end up breaking when you’re in bed together.

- If a crisis is particularly bad, she’ll try to finish her work as quickly as possible to be able to stay with you for the rest of the day and not leave you alone.

- As much as possible, she’ll try to get the best, freshest, and most natural food, to reassure you that you don’t need to worry, but she’ll never insist that you eat if you say you don’t feel up to it.

- She’ll gesture for you to come sit on her lap and keep you there, occasionally offering you things she knows you like, telling you that she’s really craving them, and if you want them too, she’ll go get them.

[mcmansionhell]

mojo dojo casa house

Howdy folks! Sorry for the delay, I was, uhhhh covering the Tour de France. Anyway, I'm back in Chicago which means this blog has returned to the Chicago suburbs. I'm sure you've all seen Barbie at this point so this 2019 not-so-dream house will come as a pleasant (?) surprise.

Yeah. So this $2.4 million, 7 bed, 8.5+ bath house is over 15,000 square feet and let me be frank: that square footage is not allocated in any kind of efficient or rational manner. It's just kind of there, like a suburban Ramada Inn banquet hall. You think that by reading this you are prepared for this, but no, you are not.

Scale (especially the human one) is unfathomable to the people who built this house. They must have some kind of rare spatial reasoning problem where they perceive themselves to be the size of at least a sedan, maybe a small aircraft. Also as you can see they only know of the existence of a single color.

Ok, but if you were eating a single bowl of cereal alone where would you sit? Personally I am a head of the table type person but I understand that others might be more discreet.

It is undeniable that they put the "great" in great room. You could race bicycles in here. Do roller derby. If you gave this space to three anarchists you would have a functioning bookshop and small press in about a week.

The island bit is so funny. It's literally so far away it's hard to get them in the same image. It is the most functionally useless space ever. You need to walk half a mile to get from the island to the sink or stove.

Of course, every McMansion has a room just for television (if not more than one room) and yet this house fails even to execute that in a way that matters. Honestly impressive.

The rug placement here is physical comedy. Like, they know they messed up.

Bling had a weird second incarnation in the 2010s HomeGoods scene. Few talk about this.

Honestly I think they should have scrapped all of this and built a bowling alley or maybe a hockey rink. Basketball court. A space this grand is wasted on sports of the table variety.

You would also think that seeing the rear exterior of this house would help to rationalize how it's planned but:

Not really.

Anyways, thanks for coming along for another edition of McMansion Hell. I'll be back to regular posting schedule now that the summer is over so keep your eyes peeled for more of the greatest houses to ever exist. Be sure to check the Patreon for today's bonus posts.

Also P.S. - I'm the architecture critic for The Nation now, so check that out, too!

If you like this post and want more like it, support McMansion Hell on Patreon for as little as $1/month for access to great bonus content including a discord server, extra posts, and livestreams.

Not into recurring payments? Try the tip jar, because media work is especially recession-vulnerable.

[peanutpinet]

Can u create a sylus x reader where she is doing errands while sylus is in a meeting, and she finds sexy undergarments and thinks about buying them. Without her knowing, mephesto is watching her and sylus is distracted?

Also I re downloaded this app just bec of your posts!!! Love it

Confidently Shy (Sylus x Fem Reader)

Request: Can u create a sylus x reader where she is doing errands while sylus is in a meeting, and she finds sexy undergarments and thinks about buying them. Without her knowing, mephesto is watching her and sylus is distracted?

A/N: hi reader, thank you for your request. I think this will actually be the first-ever actual suggestive content that I’ve written. I apologise in advanced for not writing smut as I’m still uncomfortable writing but maybe one day

Warnings: illegal business, slight stalking (Sylus using mephisto and checking the bills that went through his card), makeout, suggestive content

Disclaimer: This work is completely fiction. I do not own the images nor the characters or you (the MC). All images were taken from Pinterest.

It was a quiet evening as Sylus was in the midst of his meeting, a meeting that bored him to the point he was getting sick of the facade that his business partner was making and decided to go over his tabs on his investments, his other business streams, and even bills that were charged under his card; specifically the ones that were made by you.

As the meeting continued on, Sylus sipped on his wine, scrolling through the tabs of what you were purchasing with his cards. Some groceries that cost only 100 dollars, several books that cost about 30 dollars and about 50 dollars for a set of undergarments?

“Well, this is something different” Sylus chuckled as he saw the amount that recently was charged to his card and what it was

Sylus decided to go a little further and looked at his other tab, which was linked to Mephisto. He knew that it was wrong to stalk you especially ever since you two were together, Sylus had ever paid attention to the recordings Mephisto had of you but he still had Mephisto keep an eye on you just in case.

As Sylus was playing the recording, he saw you walk into the undergarment store, eyeing on a few pieces until your gaze seemingly lingered on a black lace pair. It wasn’t a black show through kind of lace but it still covered what he felt you didn’t have to cover. It was a black full-cup bralette with a matching pair of bikini-style underwear.

Just imagining you in the undergarments made his breath hitched and felt a strain in his pants. It doesn’t help that his business partner keeps on rambling things that he knew were all fake and he already had Luke and Kieran prepared with the necessary proofs.

But he didn’t have to stay longer because he heard the little ring when someone enters the penthouse and he knew that it was you. The only other person to have access to the apartment were Luke and Kieran; meaning that it was you that just came into the door.

Without thinking, Sylus stood up and held his gun towards his business partner who was immediately confused but held their arms up nevertheless. “Mr, Mr Sylus, is so-something wrong?” his business partner stuttered

“I’m going to give you some time to get out of my personal space before I tip the press regarding your corruption issue and how you’ve been leading on to your clients on high-graded protocores when you so clearly don’t have any real protocores”

Without saying anything, his business partner knows that they shouldn’t cross the lines. That the tone Sylus was using was already a warning of ‘get out or I’ll show you another way out’.

His business partner scrambles out of the other door that he brought him in rather than the regular door that is connected to the rest of his penthouse because that is reserved specifically for you (ehem, Luke, Kieran, and Mephisto).

Sylus texted Luke and Kieran to handle his business partner and try to not return until later in the night which they got the hint and left the penthouse for you and him alone.

Sylus put his phone away and went out of his office to see you were cooking, the groceries you bought were already put away, and some of the chores were being done like laundry. But he was most curious of the undergarments that you bought.

Sneaking up slowly, Sylus wrapped his large arms around your waist while he lightly kissed your near down to your neck; making you giggle at Sylus’ sudden clingy attitude.

“Someone’s getting clingy” you giggled, making Sylus smile by your shoulder where he rested his chin. “Well, you left too early in the morning sweetie. I was still asleep yet my personal bed warmer was gone. Quite unfair when I always cuddle you to sleep, sweetie”

Hearing Sylus’ clingy self, you chuckled and turned off the stove before turning around. “I take it that your meeting didn’t go as planned?” you lightly cup his cheek, your thumb gently caressing the undereye circles underneath while he hummed against your hand and kissed it

“You can say that” Sylus grumbled, inhaling your scent that he has grown accustomed to

“Alright then, good thing I made one of your favourites. Creamy potato soup with steak and…” you didn’t even get to finish listing of the wine you bought for Sylus when he suddenly pressed his lips onto your, connecting you both.

Sylus was being particularly eager but he made sure to put one of his hand behind your head as he directed you away from the stove and onto the kitchen counter. Sylus gently lifted you onto the counter but never once did his lips part from you. In fact, Sylus tried to deepen the kiss even further which made you gasped; allowing Sylus’ tongue slip pass through and explore your tongue while his hand snaked underneath your shirt and lightly rubbed your exposed skin while your legs instinctively wrapped around his waist which made Sylus pull you even closer, his hand now snaked up to where your bra was; his fingers lightly toying with your bra.

You on the other hand was feeling a bit overwhelmed with Sylus’ sudden physical behaviour because normally he was able to control himself unless it was in the safe space of your share bedroom. Luckily enough, when you tapped Sylus’ shoulder to catch your breath, Sylus reluctantly pulled away and wiped your now smudged lipstick while you were trying to catch your breath, steadying your hands on his shoulders.

“Forgive me, sweetie. I went too far, didn’t I?” Sylus apologised, this time gently kissing your forehead, his lips lingering longer until your breathing was finally stable

“It’s just…” you started talking and Sylus put a distance between you two, ensuring your comfort first, trying his best to not give in to temptation

“Go on sweetie. Tell me if I was wrong” Sylus stated but you shook your head, lightly tugging on his hand so we would come back closer which he did and you hugged him, laying your head on his chest

“It’s just, it’s not like you to suddenly kiss me. Is something wrong that made you quite eager? Did you have a nightmare or something?” you asked, worried about his well-being

But instead, Sylus shook his head, chuckling at your worried tone. He gently cup your cheek and kissed the top of your head. “Nothing sweetie. Can’t I be clingy to the love of my life?”

Hearing Sylus say that made you blush which made Sylus chuckle even more, leaning into your ear and whispered, “Well I supposed it’s because a certain mechanical bird told me that you were shopping today and I was hoping to see what you bought in the last store you went to considering it’s not the regular amount you would spend on things you wear”

Immediately you know which store he was talking about and what you bought. Was he checking his tabs? Or was Mephisto snitching on you? Either way, you couldn’t help but blush and shyly buried your face in his chest.

“I’m teasing sweetie. If you don’t want to show me it’s completely fine. I respect your wishes. A man can only envision what the love of his life wears but I am a man who respects your comfort above all so I’m alright sweetie. Don’t worry about me” Sylus hugged your body against his, his touch were gentle

“I was just a bit distracted when I saw the store you went to and the piece you bought. That’s all. I promise” Sylus admitted, hoping you don’t find him creepy or weird

“I know you were just keeping tabs for your accountant and I know Mephisto spies on me to ensure my safety. I appreciate you taking care of me Sy” you replied, feeling grateful that even though you were sometimes nervous going out alone when who knows what trouble might be lurking around, you knew that Sylus would always ensure your safety no matter how busy he was

“I umm actually…I bought it for our trip. When we’re going to spend time together in the late-night breeze by the beach” you admitted, shyly looking away again

Certainly, this information caught Sylus off guard. Had you wanted to surprise him later on during the trip which he almost forgot he planned? But Sylus quickly regained his composure and gave you a soft smile, gently holding your cheeks to face him.

“Aren’t you the most adorable and thoughtful person I’ve ever come across in my life? Tell me kitten, were you planning on surprising me with this new piece?” Sylus teasingly asked while you playfully smacked his chest, making him laugh

“I’m kidding. I promise I’ll wait whenever you’re ready to show it to me” Sylus softly reassured you

As you lifted your head off his chest, you shyly looked away for a moment before replying him. “Well, if you’re that eager, I supposed you can have a look…”

Hearing your response, Sylus’ ears perked up but he calmed himself first and shook his head. “It’s okay sweetie. You bought it for a surprise then I’ll wait for the surprise. I’m not going to let you ruin my surprise until we’re at the resort for our trip”

“Then, I can show you something else that I have that’s similar…” you looked away as you were replying to him, making Sylus chuckle again

“Only if you want to, sweetie. But first, we should eat the food you prepare before it gets cold then if you really want to show me, I wouldn’t mind seeing it and having my dessert” Sylus teased, helping you down from the kitchen counter while you smack him again making him laugh but both of you knew that Sylus is a man of his word.

No matter how much teasing and anticipation he has, he would always prioritise your comfort and consent first. Period.

A/N: I tried to make it a bit spicy but of course, fluffy at the same time. I'll say this once, Sylus is a man of consent and every woman deserves a man like him. period 💅

[dtilmnh]

We all know that Neil has two smiles, his "Neil-smile" and his "Nathaniel-smile". I went through the books to see how many times Neil actually smiles, because god knows it's not that many.

His "Nathaniel-smile" pops up a few times, usually when he's around Riko, threatening someone, or daydreaming about his father's gruesome death.

"Are you threatening a federal agent?" Nathaniel smiled so hard his burns ached. "I wouldn't dare."

He smiles his normal or "Neil-smile" a total of eight times through the series. Never in the first book, twice in the second, and six times in the third. Out of these eight, four were towards Andrew, one to Kevin, one to Wymack, one to Nicky, and one to Matt.

Nicky subsided with a lightning-quick grin in Neil's direction. Neil managed a small smile back.

The original point of this post was that Neil really doesn't smile or laugh or anything as much as he does in fanfictions and stuff. Andrew and Neil are not a grumpyxsunshine trope, Neil is not the light to Andrew's darkness, they're both massively fucked up and Neil does his crazy serial killer smile more often than his regular one.

He couldn't sleep, but at least he could daydream his father's death over and over again. That was almost enough to make him smile, and eventually it thawed the chill from his veins.

Anyways, that 𝘸𝘢𝘴 the original point of the post, but now I'm stuck thinking about how cute it is that he literally smiles only eight times throughout the entire series, and ���𝘰𝘶𝘳 of them are to Andrew. It's so fucking cute, especially when you consider the circumstances of the rest of them.

Andrew, who for once hadn't wasted their time denying that this thing between them might actually mean something to both of them. Neil hadn't even noticed the silence at first, too distracted by his dizzying thoughts. Now he couldn't help but smile and pull Andrew in.

He shares a tired smile with Kevin after the first Raven match. He smiles when Wymack picks up the phone when he calls him after he comes back from Evermore. He returns Nicky's grin with a small smile to reassure himself when Riko comes to watch their match against the Longhorns. And he gives Matt a tight smile during the final match against the Ravens.

"Neil?" All the gruff posturing left Wymack's voice; that sharp edge was all alarm. "Are you all right?" Neil smiled. It felt like it tore his face open. "No. No, I'm not. I know it's kind of sudden, but can you come get me? I'm at the airport."

With Andrew, basically every single time is directly 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 of him. Those smiles are some of the only times he actually feels or shows genuine pleasure or happiness, and I just think that's so cute.

It wasn't funny—none of this was—but that response was so obnoxious and so typically Andrew that Neil couldn't help but smile.

Technically he does smile a ninth time, at all of the Foxes, but since that was immediately after and because of Riko's death, I'm tempted to classify it as a "Nathaniel-smile" lmao.

Neil looked from one tired face to the next, soaking them in, reveling in everything they'd accomplished tonight and imagining how they'd react when they heard the news tomorrow. "What's so funny?" Nicky asked when he spotted Neil in the doorway. Neil hadn't realized he was smiling. "Life?"

(Also the word smile no longer feels like a word to me now. I never realised how often Renee smiled until I had to go through every single time any character smiled in the books)

[rex-rambles]

➤ COPYCAT (SMAU + FIC)

pairing: lando norris x influencer!reader

summary: Lando tries to get your attention the only way he knows how: by copying your Instagram.

wc: 5k

warnings: none :) photos from pinterest

➤ MASTERLIST

Liked by lando, yourbestfriend and others

yourusername Ever considered going and touching some grass?

↳ yourbestfriend when I told you you could borrow my sandals I didn't think you'd CLIMB A TREE IN THEM

              ↳yourusername 😘😘😘

↳ y/nfan23 bringing a whole new meaning to tree hugger

↳ 4_the_win Lando Norris we see you lurking

_

Liked by oscarpiastri, quadrant, and others

lando was told to go touch grass

↳ quadrant could've tagged us?? 

         ↳ lando @/quadrant

↳ mclar_win the little car 🥺 i can't

↳ ln444 father nature

           ↳  brocedes 👀

_

Was Lando being a little on the nose? Maybe. 

But he had a hypothesis, and despite the fact he hadn't been in a science class in years, he wanted to test it. You were some travel influencer, your feed filled with the kind of content that made it seem effortless, from the smiles to the outfits to your friends. It was the kind of care free that Lando couldn't help but fall for, but there was no way he would message you.

What would he say? That he thought you were pretty? That he thought you were interesting? That he was an F1 driver and obviously should get the girl in the end? There was nothing he could think to say to get this to work, so rather than approaching you, he was going to get you to approach him. 

Flawless plan, obviously, and the first step was to follow you, and then make a post with similar interests. Your latest post was out in the wild with pottery to match, so Lando found some photos from the latest Quadrant shoot out in nature, and then, because he needed it to be authentic, he dragged his friends out to some play-with-clay place and made his own little clay car, like a normal, sane man.

"Can you not think so loud?" Oscar asks up at him from his position on the floor at the airport. "It's making my brain hurt." 

"Do you think I'd do pottery?" Oscar blinks up at him, though Lando ignores him to refresh his likes and comments, thinking maybe, that first lure would work. 

"Do I think you'd do pottery?" Oscar repeats in disbelief. "Like, as a hobby?" 

"Is it believable?" The only thing, however, is he needed no one else to notice he was posting strangely. Everything had to seem like a regular, Lando Norris post to not raise suspicion. He doubted your audiences overlapped, but one could never be sure.

Oscar groans, tossing a balled-up receipt at him. "Is that about your Instagram post?" He says and Lando flips him off. Oscar returns the gesture. "I mean, sure, it's believable. People will believe anything these days." 

"But am I pottery guy?" 

"I've had enough of this." With that, Oscar rises and says something about finding a snack, and Lando watches him go in disbelief.

"Oscar? Am I a pottery guy?" The Australian doesn't turn around, and Lando doesn't care about causing a scene. "Oscar!" 

_

Liked by lando, yourbestfriend, and others

yourusername out of the woods and into the mountains 😌 ↕️

↳ yourbestfriend quit being cute and come keep me warm 

         ↳ y/nfan23 me too??

↳ user510 the prettiest!! now go get real winter boots

_

Liked by maxfewtrell, 4_the_win, and others

lando 🏔 🏔 🏔

↳ ln444 didn't you already post this trip?? 

↳ maxfewtrell ❄️ 🎯

↳ 4_the_win @/yourusername you've got a copycat

         ↳ user510 literally their last two posts match

_

You used emojis. It was a stupid detail to focus on, but Lando could totally use emojis and make it seem normal. He'd used emojis before. And, it wasn't really creepy, because you had posted a ski trip: you already actually had that in common. Wasn't anything Lando needed to fake, just posting more of his last trip, but then he had spotted the emoji, and rather than stewing over the caption, he'd posted some of a mountain. 

And then that first comment rolled in. Sure, he was a copycat, but how could anyone notice that after two posts? Fans were fantastic and terrifying at the same time, somehow knowing all his personal information far before he was comfortable with it being out there. But, hopefully, you'd feel the same. Two similar posts are just a coincidence, really. He might be a copycat, but nothing out of the blue. 

Then, terrifyingly, you follow him back, and Lando's heart stops. 

-

So. You weren't exactly well-versed in the world of motorsports, so a Formula One driver following you had taken you by surprise. Plenty of famous people followed you, much to your confusion, but this just added to it. Lando was some big racer, his photos and content (not that you had found his Youtube channel and watched the last ten videos to catch yourself up with whatever it is he did) were so relaxed and yet hyper, luxuries mixed into everyday living. You had little in common, even as you scroll through all his photos. His latest is of some ski trip, similar to your own, even if you were terrible at skiing. With his athleticism, he probably fared much better than you did.

His next is some merch shoot, intermixed with a little clay car, and you can't help but smile at it, having made enough of your own little clay creations over the years to appreciate the attention to detail, right down to the little driver's helmet. 

So you followed back, even if there was nothing you had in common, really. He was a new kind of adventure, and if something came of it, great, and if you just remained on the sidelines of each other's accounts, then so be it. 

_

Liked by lando, ln444, and others

yourusername finally got some photos developed

↳ yourbestfriend those photos are so old???

       ↳ yourusername so are my texts you haven't answered??

↳ ln444 if Lando posts film pics...

        ↳ 4_the_win 👀 👀 👀

_

Liked by yourusername, yourbestfriend, and others

lando finally got some photos developed

↳ danielricciardo if the whole racing thing doesn't work out, want to be my photographer?

↳ 4_the_win THE FILM PHOTOS!!

        ↳ user510 @/yourusername

        ↳ ln444 they're lurking too!

        ↳ y/nfan23 not everything is connected 🙄

        ↳ ln444 the captions are the exact same

_

He liked taking photos! So what if they were film? So what if you had just posted film photos? So what if he used the same caption? So what if you liked the post and made Lando stare at his phone for about an hour, willing you to message him? That was normal behaviour. He was just a photographer, really, with a massive crush on someone who did not know he existed and probably thinks he's creepy for posting all the same photos as them. He needed to get a grip, but he didn't really have time for that. 

Actually, he had all the time in the world right now, but he wanted to pretend that he didn't. To film an advertisement for them, Hilton was giving him and his friends a free week in Bora Bora, which so far had been an incredibly serene experience, giving him ample time to stew over whether or not he was wasting his time, whether he should just ask you out, or whether he was being crazy.

Currently, he leans on the balcony, taking in the soft waves below him, wondering if meditating on them would take away the chaos in his brain. He was so lucky to have experiences like this, to have the job that he did, but he was only human. He could only avoid his thoughts for so long, be grateful for so much. He wanted to enjoy all that he was given, but he was finding it hard when his phone was burning a hole into his pocket. 

It buzzes, and he wrenches his phone out to stare at a text from Max. 

Max 🎮 🤢 

get outside, now

ur going to regret it if u don't

With a sigh, Lando makes his way through their shared villa, over the clothes tossed across their little lounge floor, and he steps out onto the walkway that connects all the villas over the water, and he almost walks directly into you, and in the seconds it takes to understand that you are stood in front of him, and not hidden behind a phone secret, he thinks he might shit himself. 

"This is Lando Norris!" The Hilton representative explains from your side, and the smile you send his way does something strange to his stomach. "He's also here to film an advertisement." 

"You're here to film?" The words leave Lando's mouth before he can even introduce himself, and you offer a surprised look. 

"Just some content, nothing major." Then, making his heart flutter more than he thought it could, "We follow each other on Instagram, right? You're a driver." 

"Yeah!" He responds enthusiastically, before thinking it might seem weird. "You post travel stuff, right?" You nod, shifting the bag on your shoulder. He should probably not be distracting you, considering you just got in, and are probably jet lagged or tired or your bag is heavy, but his brain can't quite figure out how to make you interested in him while also letting you go. "Makes sense for you to work with Hilton." 

Makes sense for you to work with Hilton? He could hit himself in the face with a brick, he really could. "A free place to stay never hurts! Plus they've got some great locations." You say with a laugh, and it sounds so rich in person, rather than through his phone's speakers.

"They've got a ski resort, in the States." You like skiing. He likes skiing. He's not a copycat. "It's next on my list to stay at." 

"Oh yeah, I saw you went skiing. Where were you?" Oh god no. 

You saw his post. That's exactly what he wanted to happen. But that also means you might've seen the comments about him copying you, and you might be bringing it up to show that you know. Or, you're just being nice and making conversation, or you're actually interested in him, and despite being fast on the track, Lando can't quite handle the speed at which his brain is working. "The, uh, Swiss Alps. Fantastic time. You...also ski." 

"I do," You answer somewhat awkwardly. Of course you ski! "Not always the best at it, but I try." 

"I'm not either, but I'm be more than happy to lend you some tips if you ever need." That's more charismatic, he thinks as he flashes a smile. He's salvaging what he can in a very short amount of time. 

"I might take you up on that." You begin to walk away before turning back and rendering his heart still. "I'll see you around?" 

"Yeah, I'll see you." 

-

Lando Norris being on your first big sponsored trip was not exactly the outcome you had expected, but you weren't complaining. You may or may not had try to find him every where you went, enjoying the view of him suntanning with friends, the way his curls ran wild with both the water and humidity. 

Maybe you were forming a crush on a man who you only really knew over Instagram, but none of your friends were here to judge you for it, so you allowed it. "You here with anyone?" One of Lando's friends ask, leaning beside you at the bar of the little restaurant on the resort. Lando either wasn't interested or was too awkward or shy to approach, choosing rather to bury his face in his hands. It wasn't the kind of question you wanted to answer a random man, and luckily, he seems to pick up on it. "Let me rephrase that. If you're not here with anyone, and are interested in the company, you're more than welcome to join us for dinner." 

"That would be..." Lovely, really, but it seems weird to accept a stranger's invitation out of the blue, but maybe this was Lando's way of getting you to come over, and maybe this was your way of stepping out of your comfort zone. "Great, thanks." 

Lando's friend leads you over to their table, where everyone shifts seats to leave the only open spot in the booth beside Lando, who even in the dimly lit restaurant light, you can tell is blushing profusely. "I'm sorry about him," He whispers as you sit. "Did he do anything?" 

"Just invited me to join you for dinner, which is too kind of you. I typically solo travel, so it can get a bit lonely." All eyes at the table land on you, taking in the words you had really meant for just Lando to hear.

"You've been meaning to do some solo travelling, haven't you Lando?" His friend beside him says, playfully jabbing him in the side. Lando shoves him back with an infectious smile, and you try to ignore the implications of such a comment. 

You were just some random person he followed. Wasn't anything out of the ordinary. They were just making conversation, being nice, but you can't help but dig deeper. "Oh?" 

"I'd just love to travel anywhere," Lando fills in, his blush now spread to the tips of his ears. "But I'd prefer it with company." 

"I get that. Friends make things better, to an extent." He shifts next to you, shoulder grazing yours, and you try not to immediately offer him company whenever he's travelling next. You were the one out of your depths here, so you focus on a fun anecdote rather than offering your time up to him. "Some trips end with us wanting to kill each other." 

"I know the feeling!" Lando's friend offers over the table with a shit-eating grin. "The amount of random shit this guy pulls us along to? What was it last time, pottery?" 

Pottery? Lando pulls a face and you remember the little clay car, and you slowly begin to pick up on whatever strange atmosphere his friends have created. Travel, pottery, your interests. Not his. "You do pottery?" 

"I wanted to try, yeah. Made a little car." Then, he awkwardly fiddles with a fork, before asking, "Do you...do pottery?" 

It's a bit too on the nose. You've showed off your pottery enough on your account that it'd be obvious, unless he wasn't interested, which was certainly an option. The other was that he didn't want you to know that he knew you liked pottery, which was a strange little mindfuck that didn't quite make sense. "I love it, it's just a great artistic outlet, though it's messy and expensive." You say slowly, taking in everyone's ravenous gazes. "I have a friend with a studio that I go visit." 

"I've only ever done the cheap places." Lando says, eyes glued to the fork in hand. 

"You should go visit their studio, Lando!" Another of his friends says, and Lando's head shoots up to offer an expression you don't catch. You are most certainly caught in the middle of something, and you're not sure if you like being stuck by Lando's side yet. "Make your own trophy." 

"I bet you have plenty of trophies already." You interject with, and Lando turns to look at you with a raised brow. "Don't you?" 

There's a pause as a waiter arrives with menus, and without much thought, Lando hands you one without any prices listed on it, before he continues. "Yeah, a good couple. I don't like to brag." It's a humble thing for a famous person to admit, though you know his social media presence says otherwise.

"Tell that to the photos you post." You say as you peer over at his menu to try and take in the prices. You were working on a travelling budget, as while the hotel might've been free, the food most certainly isn't.

"Hey!" Lando almost shouts as he smacks his menu over yours, offering a soft scowl as his friends laugh around him. You try to check one of the prices for the drinks, fingers grazing over his paper, and he folds it away. "Don't worry about paying," He says quietly, needing to lean in to be heard. "It'll make up for whatever these idiots say-" 

"Lando's a good photographer, even does film and shit." The words cut through Lando's sentence, but it doesn't stop you from being one to blush now. He was paying for your dinner, which you suppose is a nice enough gesture from a millionaire. Well, you think he must be a millionaire, at least, considering the expensive clothes and the cars.

"You also use film, right?" Lando asks, still not quite authentic in his tone. It's like the whole conversation had been rehearsed, and your brain trips over the thought that Lando is trying to find things in common with you, especially considering his last posts.

"Yeah." You answer, somewhat awkwardly. "It's also expensive, but I like having tangible photos to remember trips by. Digital is great, it's my whole career, but it doesn't beat the real thing." 

Lando smiles, nodding along as you talk, and you try to ignore the faces of everyone else around you as he continues. "I feel the same way." He says, fairly earnestly in answer as he drums his fingers against the wood. "Do you have a film preference?" 

"Do you know the Olympus cameras? Like Olympus OM-4?" 

"Uh, yeah. Totally." An obvious lie, now. You'd wish he'd say something real about himself, rather than just forcing everything on you. It was nice to be cared about, to be thought about, but at this rate? You were the star of a show you hadn't signed up for.

"Well, I just got one, and it's been great for travel, it's nice and light, but has its downsides. What do you use?" You've caught him in his lie there, and he blinks at you for a moment before realizing he can't make his way out of that one. 

You watch him deflate before you, and you wonder if he puts this kind of stance on for everyone. Surely, you weren't special, you try to reason. He obviously would try to seem as interesting to as many people as possible. "Anything I can find," He states, a new, lower tone to his voice. "Lots of little disposable cameras." 

"I bet that's probably easiest with all the travelling and racing. What's that like? Being an F1 driver?" You finally let him take over the conversation, and rather than becoming lively or confident again, he shrugs.

"Nothing interesting, really." You offer him an unimpressed look, and he can't help but laugh. "Fine, it's fantastic, but I don't just want to brag about myself all night. I've just been doing racing so long I'd rather talk about other things." 

"How long?" You say, prying for more, and Lando's head tilts in confusion, like he couldn't understand why you'd want to know more. "How long have you been racing?" 

"Well, since I was a kid." He launches into some story about his childhood racing days, and something smooths out between the two of you. It's not longer chunky or strange, like forcing puzzle pieces where they don't belong. The table seems to relax, too, attention shifting from you to watching him ramble about go-karts and competitions. It's the real Lando, you think as you watch him ball up a napkin and throw it at the guy across from him, not whatever strange being he turns into when he tries to talk to you. 

You get lost in his words for awhile. You could sit here, like this, forever, just listening to him speak, and he seems to get lost in the conversation too, before catching you staring at him. He pauses, then, letting the table roar on with some old story that you don't get, and he smiles, something kind and soft and bright that makes you blush the moment you witness it. "I'm glad you joined us," He says quietly, ducking down to whisper in your ear. His face is tucked close to your neck to do so, like he was always meant to be this close to you. "And I apologize again for anything these idiots say."

"Well, thank you for having me." You whisper back, letting your head shift closer to his to say so. "I hope you know I'm going to use these stories as blackmail."

"Oh yeah?" He teases in response, letting his arms stretch above his head. Then, he lets one arm drop to rest on the booth above you, and you let yourself lean closer to his side, the move instinctual.

"For whenever I need a ride." His arm is warm pressed against your shoulders, and you remind yourself that you'd just met. You both might be interested in each other, considering the look he's giving you, but one dinner won't change anything.

"You don't need blackmail for that." He answers. "Just say the word and I'll be there."

The night passes in a blur like that, tucked close and just barely touching each other, enough distance that either of you could justify it was the drinks, or the cramped booth, nothing more. Still, it's nice to be by his side, and strangely, to not be the centre of attention. Though, every time you try to look at Lando, you find him looking at you.

-

On his final night there, Lando can't sleep. He's not sure if it's a mix of dread having to leave tomorrow, or the espresso martini he had that he didn't realize contained actual caffeine. Either way, it was about six in the morning, and he was wired. 

Careful not to wake those in the villa around him, he slipped onto the balcony as he rubbed at his face, trying to come to his senses. It had been a fantastic trip! He had seen you around a few times, talked a few times, but nothing like dinner, where you had looked like an angel sat next to him, radiating warmth as you listened to his stories and ignored his awkward start to rather embrace his slightly alcohol-fueled ranting.

You were just a stranger. You were just someone he could totally go up to and ask out, but you were this untouchable thing in his mind. He had spent so long copying you, he was struggling to think of other ways to approach you than to match what you did, which was so far kindness at a distance. 

Lando leaned against the balcony, taking in the barely rising sun on the horizon. It would be a beautiful sunrise, and as he turns to take in the rest of the villas, he finds you in the exact same position, staring out at the rising sun and wrapped in an oversized hoodie. He tries not to picture you in his merch, wrapped in the same orange of the sunrise, but it's hard not to. You'd look great in anything, he thinks, but you'd look better in his clothes. 

You turn and catch his stare, offering a smile despite the distance between you. Before he can stop himself, he gestures back toward the villa, hoping you understand the gesture of meeting on the boardwalk outside. You nod eagerly and disappear back into your villa, and Lando rushes back through his, slipping on someone's sandals before leaving. It's then, stepping out onto the wooden boardwalk and watching you walk towards him that he realizes he's still in the same clothes he tried to sleep in, which is just his swim shorts, and despite the fact you'd seen each other in bathing suits the entire week, he feels strangely exposed to the world. 

"Couldn't sleep?" You ask softly, and Lando nods with a yawn. 

"Got to be up early to fly out anyway." He swears your expression sours, maybe because you also are up early to catch a flight, but maybe, just maybe, because you don't want him to go. He should really stop these delusions, should've stopped trying to copy you, but he can't help it. "Want to make the most of one last morning?" 

"What do you have in mind?" You ask, and Lando has a good couple, but the one that would probably be the most appropriate would be to whisk you away to watch the sunrise and impress you with his boat, and the photos you could take of it. That, and he'd get some alone time, and his money worth out of the boat. 

He is well aware, however, that inviting a stranger, alone, out on a boat, isn't exactly at the top of everyone's list of things to do at 6 am. "We rented a boat for the week. Sunrise probably looks better out in the water than here, yeah?" 

"Yeah." He has to do a double take at your almost instant agreement, but then again, you were always up for an adventure. Plus, maybe he needs to give himself more credit as he leads you toward the dock: maybe he seems entirely trustworthy after only a few interactions. "You know how to drive this thing, right?" 

Well, so much for trustworthy. "I am a professional Formula One driver, I can drive a boat." He defends as he jogs up to give himself some more momentum before jumping aboard, more of a showcase of his athletic abilities than his need to mind the minuscule gap between the boat and the dock, and you laugh up at him as he extends a hand. Yours is soft in his, and he lets it linger for just a moment too long as you examine the boat. He'd lost his mind officially, he thinks as he forces space between you to unwrap the rope tethering the boat to the dock. He takes a bit too long to do it, staring back you, draped in the orange light of the sunrise. He might not have a boat in Monaco, but considering this view? 

He might just get a yacht because of you. So, yeah. Officially lost his mind. "When we crash and sink, I'm blaming you." 

"When? If we crash and sink. If." He finally gets the tether untied and settles himself behind the steering wheel, starting up the engine. It's different than a car, obviously, but that doesn't stop him from playing it up, using the palm of his hand to wind the steering wheel and navigate out, not too far from the coast. You scoff softly, jostling his shoulder as you move past to lean against the railing of the ship, and Lando doesn't waste much time driving before he cuts the engine. 

In the silence of the morning and the rising sun, he can't help but wonder if you can hear his heart pounding from here as he tries to think of something to say, something to do. If he was free too, he'd sneak up behind you and wrap his arms around you, hold you close, but that's a bit too delusional and his brain a bit too sleep-deprived to really think about it, so he decides instead to sit at your feet. "See? I'm perfectly capable." 

"I'd need to see your actual driving skills to believe that." Without much thought, he leans back to look up at you and his head knocks against your thigh, and your hand comes to play with his hair, and he thinks he might die, here and now. It's a view, he thinks, he'd be more than happy to die seeing.

"You should come to a race." He breaths out, almost desperate, trying to ignore the warmth of your thigh against his cheek. "There's plenty of fun travel destinations." 

"I'd have to find something red, then." It goes over his head for a moment as he blinks up at you, and with a sigh, you step away, leaving Lando desperate to trail after you. Instead, however, you sit down cross-legged next to him, and before he can think to do anything, you rest your head on his shoulder with a yawn. If he thought his head on you was incredible, this? This is a fantasy that forces Lando to consider if this is all a dream. "You know, for Ferrari."

"Ferrari!" He gasps as he looks down at you, and you offer a shit-eating grin up at him. "I will toss you out of this boat. We wear Papaya, and papaya only." 

"Papaya!" You echo incredulously with a laugh. "That's what you call yourself?" 

"That's what we call the colour. Not orange, papaya." You'd look good in any colour, Lando fathoms, but papaya? He'd pay good money to have you in his colour and with his number, and considering how to remain on his shoulder, he might not even have to pay for it.

"Okay, papaya." You tease before slipping out your phone, pushing back to get a picture of the sunrise, and then you turn the camera toward him. Without much thought, he stares out into the water in the hopes of you getting a more candid shot, and he's not sure what he'll do if he ends up on your Instagram. Probably rub it in everyone's faces, actually. "If I say something," You begin gently, and Lando turns to look back at you. "Will you promise not to get offended?" 

Not the kind of conversation he was anticipating, but he tries to play it off. "Not more than I already am. Ferrari, as if." 

"I like you more when you're not trying to be someone else." 

His brain short-circuits at the sentence, the words clunky in his mind as they register. You like him, first of all, but you like him more...when he's not trying to be someone else? "What?" 

"I see the posts, and the comments. You don't have to try and be like me to get me to like you." Well, shit. 

He tries to come up with some excuse, with some explanation, but all he can do is stare at you in the morning sun and think about how hard he'd tried to copy you, to do everything right, to get you here, and how miserably it's gone. You didn't interact with his posts, despite the fact you'd seen them. Dinner had been nothing if not fatal before you'd let him rant about racing, and now, he's out on a boat, and all this time, he didn't need any of it for you to like him.

"I wasn't..." He rubs a hand over his face before pushing back to sit next to you. "Listen, I just...you're cool." 

"You're cool too." Well, yeah, but his brain didn't always let him believe that. Confidence should come easy to a man in his position, but it doesn't always. The races, the fans, the eyes, it all bottles up in a way that Lando was petrified to message you, lest his mess up, lest you post it somewhere, lest it doesn't work out. 

He'd rather watch from afar and regret it than have to exist in a world where he fumbled, and everyone else saw. "But you're like, the unattainable kind of cool, so I thought if I should we had similar interests, made my posts like yours, then maybe you'd message me." 

"Wait, really?" There's a small, infectious smile curling on your lips, and Lando tries to hide his own as he looks at you.

"Tell me, honestly, if I had messaged you first, would it have worked?" You don't immediately answer, offering a little shrug, and he reaches over to pull your hood up and over your eyes. You swat away his hands as you pull the hood back, but it doesn't distract from the fact that it wouldn't have worked. The only way Lando was able to be sat here beside you was, of all reasons, Hilton's sponsorship. "Exactly." 

"It's sweet, in a weird way." You try and soothe, hand gently resting on his knee and offering a squeeze. "But I like you like this more." 

Flushing, he knows, from ear to ear, he slips his hand into yours and lets it rest in his lap. Finally, when he can't seem to handle the intimacy, he finds a joke to crack. "What, shirtless on a boat in Bora Bora?" 

"Yourself, you idiot." Your head leans back against his shoulder, talking in the sunrise, but Lando can't bring himself to look out at the view, not when the only thing worth watching is right beside him. "Don't let that go to your head." 

"I won't, promise." A soft silence settles between the two of you, and Lando knows he doesn't have a lot of time. Someone is going to wake up and realize he and the boat are gone, or someone's going to be missing their sandals, or something will go wrong with the flight, but he can't really bring himself to think of anything besides seeing you again. "So, about coming to a race? Wearing papaya, specifically?" 

"Fine, but only if I get a paddock pass." 

"Paddock-" Lando's quick to straighten up as he turns to look at you. You weren't one for Formula One, you didn't know any of that before you'd met. Unless, of course, he wasn't the only one snooping around on Instagram. "How do you know what a paddock pass is?" 

You shrug, offering a grin that Lando would have no problem kissing away, if it weren't for the fact that you'd just met. "Well, I needed to know some things about my copycat." 

"Oh, shut up!" He's never going to live that down. His friends already mocked him mercilessly for it, but now you too? "Our next race is Belgium. I'll get the paddock pass and Hilton can put you up." Then,  because he can't help himself, "Of course, if you come to dinner with me to celebrate." 

"Confident, are we?" You shoot back, and Lando mimics your shrug from earlier.

"Well, even if I lose, I've still got dinner with you, so I'd consider that a win." You groan, smacking your forehead into his shoulder, and Lando toussles your hair. "Well?" 

"Sounds like a deal." 

_

Liked by yourusername, yourbestfriend, and others

lando Bora Bora with the boys, thanks to @/hilton

↳ yourusername no photo credit?

        ↳ lando take a couple more with me and maybe

        ↳ 4_the_win WHAT

↳ ln444 😳 😳 😳 

_

Liked by lando, oscarpiastri, and others

yourusername Thank you @/hilton for checking off my bucket list trip!!

↳ hilton come back anytime!

↳ lando who's the copycat now?

          ↳ yourusername still you

          ↳ oscarpiastri still you

          ↳ lando :(

↳ mclar_win the last slide being Lando!!!

          ↳ user510 we called this

_

_

_

Liked by lando, yourbestfriend, and others

yourusername swipe to see my copycat in the act

↳ landonorris this is slander

        ↳ yourusername slander is when something is a lie, lan

        ↳ ln444 !!! 

↳  4_the_win you're welcome for setting you up

        ↳ user510 do we get paddock passes for it??

↳ yourbestfriend already being left out of the photo dump

        ↳ yourusername you know you're my number one

        ↳   landonorris hey!

        ↳   yourusername you're obviously my number four

a/n: my first f1 fic/smau!! let me know your thoughts :)

[clockwayswrites]

Birds and Mice and Tea Parties 20

Masterpost

AN: B really was trying his best to protect Danny last time, he just was missing too much information. Poor Danny...

No reading over. We suffer and post at 2am.

-

It had been two weeks since the last rogue Wayne visit.

Danny hadn’t intended to keep track. There was no reason to. One visit from Cass and one from Tim did not a pattern make.

He tried to dismiss the observation. He had plenty to do; it wasn’t like he didn’t have friends. The bi-weekly trivia group would start meeting again soon. He also had a TTRGP session that did its best to meet around all that life threw at them. Tucker and him played online games when they could make schedules match and he and Sam talked when she was stateside. He even had regular lunches with coworkers!

Still, there had been something different about spending time with the family.

So no, Danny hadn’t meant to keep track, but he still knew it had been two weeks and a day. But of course he wouldn’t see the Waynes that often. Bruce was a very busy man and most of the children would have no reason to come to W.E. They had their own lives with work and school and being kids or young adults. The other visits had simply been flukes, as nice as the visits had been.

The subtle feeling of melancholy that had settled over him was ridiculous and he wasn’t having it. His mood was simply off because of the whole Ancient thing. The way it was affecting his health didn’t make feeling better any easier either.

Danny leaned against the wall of the elevator as he tried to catch his breath. He really shouldn’t be walking right then to get lunch, not with the way that he felt, but he hadn’t had anything at his place to make lunch with. He hadn’t had the energy to go shopping. He’d just go somewhere close instead of walking to anything on the other side of the park.

The natural reverb of the lobby assaulted Danny as he stepped out of the elevator.

He just had to get through the lobby, the street, the restaurant, back through the street, and through the lobby again. Then he could hide in his office and eat. Or he could hide in there and eat as long as Lucius didn’t find him. Maybe even Lucius would give him a break today though.

“Dr. Fenton…?”

Danny looked up from rubbing his neck.

It was Tim. Damian was at Tim’s side, flanking him like a little guard dog and scowling. Tim was frowning too. Danny immediately wanted to fix whatever was wrong.

“Look at that, a pair of Waynes. How are you two?”

“That is unimportant,” Damian said with a little sniff. “You are clearly unwell. I assume you are returning to your apartment to rest?”

“Oh, no, I’m just going to go grab lunch. I’m alright, really,” Danny said and put on the best smile he could muster.

Tim and Damian looked at each other in some sort of silence conversation. Danny started to edge away from them, thinking he could escape before they came to some sort of end. He really needed out of the lobby and its echoing sounds.

A startled shriek from the entry way cut off that plan.

Danny twisted to face the sound as he stepped in front of the kids.

Of course it was a rogue, what else would it be in Gotham? It was a rogue, but at least it was the Mad Hatter and his squad of likely mind controlled goons. He usually wasn’t prone to death and destruction like some of the others were. But still, Danny felt his metaphorical hackles rising. The kids were here.

The kids were here and sure to draw the Mad Hatter’s attention if he saw them. Danny stepped slowly backwards, herding the kids away from the scene. At least they weren’t far into the lobby.

“Back up to the stairwell,” Danny said lowly, trying to cast his voice behind him.

“Tch. We can—”

“The elevator, the back left one,” Tim said quietly but firmly over his brother’s protest. “I have a code to take it to a safe room in the basement.”

“If he kills the power,” Danny started.

“The elevators have emergency back up.”

“That’s not very good behavior for a tea party, is it?” the Matter Hatter shouted at someone.

Danny bit back a rising noise of anger in his throat. His fingers twitched to act. But he couldn’t. The best plan was to get the kids out of there away from any action.

“Yes I see, Damian,” Tim hissed. “We’re almost to the elevator.”

“Call it as soon as you can,” Danny said. Was there a reverb to his voice? It felt like there was a reverb to his voice. No, no, he couldn’t, he had to…

“That’s better! See? This is how you behave when someone invites you to a tea party! Now where is that little dormouse?” the Mad Hatter called. “I know I saw him come in here! With an even littler one too.”

He wanted Tim.

“Calling the elevator.”

“Another mouse? A rat? A cat?"

The Mad Hatter wanted Tim and Damian.

“Here mousy mouse mice… where are you?"

Danny would not let that happen.

“Oh there you are! Hiding back by the doors, of course he is!” The Mad Hatter said. The crowed parted in fear. His wide, manic eyes looked right past Danny and he grinned. “Get them. We have a tea party we’re late for.”

“Over my dead body,” Danny growled.

The Mad Hatter blinked at Danny like he just noticed him for the first time. His goons rushed past him and through the crowd. “Oh, who are you? Never mind, if death is what you want, we can make that happen.”

Danny couldn’t hold back the chortling laughter. “See, that’s where you have a problem you don’t even know you could have.”

“And what is that?”

“You couldn’t handle my dead body,” Danny said just as the first goon reached them.

Danny stepped forward. He ducked under the swing of the punch and used the momentum to spin the goon around. With a push of his ghostly power, he sent the attacking goon careening into the next one and they both went tumbling.

“Danny, it’s here!” Tim shouted.

Not turning his back to the attackers, Danny stepped backwards into the elevator. Tim slammed a button and the doors basically snapped closed, much faster than they should. Danny was left staring at the polished metal surface of the elevator. Luminous green stared back at him. Soft black feathers dotted his temples. His fingers ended in talons. And he could feel it.

He could feel the skin on his back started to split.

Wings.

[teaboot]

Sorry if this comes off as rude, or too personal, but how do you still have the mental strength to be like you are, after everything you've gone through? Like, not to make suffering a competition, but from what you've shared, it seems like you've had to deal with so much more than most, and yet you're still able to create, engage in the things you love and enjoy, and even wish better for the people who'd only want the worst for you. As someone who hasn't been able to do any of those for a while now, or feel anything beyond a sticky sense of resentment, I'd appreciate the words of someone who's been in shit miles deeper, if that isn't too much trouble. Sorry if this whole thing sounds weird, and thanks for being one of the weird funny guys on my dash, you've given me lots of laughs when I've needed them.

Oh, wow. Uh.

I think first off- not to minimize my experiences cause my therapist says not to do that- but I have a LOT of friends and loved ones who have been through much worse and are also doing good now, so that kinda helps. Knowing that if they got through things, I can too, and they don’t think less of ME for struggling.

Secondly… I think I used to not be so happy about life. I was really angry, really sharp and ascerbic, and when people who met me matched my energy, they’d be sharp and ascerbic back. And so I’d trap myself in this place where life ALREADY sucked, and then everyone around me was awful, so I’D be awful, and it would turn into this absolute mire of bad feeding bad.

And then one day I think after a long good cry in a public toilet, I just felt… better? Not BETTER, because I still had all my problems, but I think I was riding that post-cry high you get sometimes and the sun just looked brighter, and the annoying kids around me were just… less aggravating. The dumb teen boys being idiots were less “stupid morons with no depth who don’t care and can’t think” were just… regular old dumbasses having fun. And then I said hello to someone with a smile, and they smiled back, and we had this great conversation I never would have had otherwise, and I figured out that people are kind to you when you’re kind first.

Which seems obvious, but like… it’s hard to see anyone else when you’re hurting. And so when people are cruel or rude to me, I just think… wow. People probably see you being an asshole and treat you like an asshole. You probably see your own bad attitude reflected back at you everywhere you go, just like I did, and you probably have no idea. Every stranger you meet is a rude bitch who hates your face, and you’ll never be able to go anywhere that isn’t full of tense, defensive, cranky bastards until you figure out that YOU are causing the bulk of it. Like a dog trying to run from the shit on its tail.

And the idea of living your whole life where nobody is happy to see you, nobody truly enjoys your company, everyone is walking on eggshells and waiting for you to snap on them…. That’s a pretty sad and painful way to live your whole entire life.

So like. I try to treat people kindly, and in return I get to see happy people wherever I go. I try to make them laugh, and listen to them talk, and once they do they aren’t frightening or annoying or strange anymore.

most people, at least.

So like… I don’t think “look on the bright side” is the right answer, but maybe… find something good to believe in, and hold on.

I believe that people at large are good and kind or at least trying their best, and that those who can’t or aren’t are… sort of pitiable.

They don’t know where their pain is coming from, and they can’t make it go away, and it’s been like that so long they probably think the whole world is just LIKE that. So they never really get to experience the good things. And that’s… kind of like a hell, I think, in a way.

I don’t believe in karma. I don’t think I’m religious. I just think that we all want similar things, and we all fear similar things, and the ways we go about getting to or running from those things is different.

….if any of that makes sense.

[chrollohearttags]

silk dreams, satin fantasies • e. jaeger

it’s your roommate’s special day and he’s requested only one gift: to unwrap his favorite ‘present’ as many times as he desires and you look forward to granting every last one of his wishes

📝: black fem!reader, roommate!eren, more free use + pure, utter filth (PWOP bc I don’t have the time tbh), breeding, lots of dirty talk, face fucking, squirting, bondage, pet play themes, collar + leash, heavy sub/dom, rough sex, spit play, so many themes, I’d be here all day

wc: 2.2K

🎙️: idk when (or if) y’all will see this but happiest of birthdays to my fav crash out and the only aries man I’ll ever love. my (second BD) eren! I miss writing regularly, specifically for him and feel like I’m losing my touch (school has truly defeated me) but I hope y’all enjoy it nonetheless.

═✿══╡°˖✧✿✧˖°╞══✿═══✿══╡°˖✧✿✧˖°

March 30th. A date that seemed synonymous with being a holiday…it was certainly a joyous occasion for one man. Who’d not only get to celebrate another orbit around the sun and the privilege of getting to see another year, but who would do so alongside someone he cherished dearly. 24 full hours filled with nothing but things that would bring him immense happiness and nothing would elicit that quite like having you around to help him enjoy his birthday..in more ways than one!..

“Mmmmph!—oh fuck…’m so deep in your fucking throat, baby and you’re not even gagging. What the hell..

a deep, groggy tone and nasally whimpers filled the desolate bedroom. An area that once was only utilized for sleeping because the right girl hadn’t come along in some time was now the platform for all of Eren’s filthy, depraved inner thoughts. All of which he planned to enact with (y/n), his pretty little roommate throughout the course and duration of the day. You were the most ideal gift a man could ask for..that cunt twitching at the sound of his praise and that puckering asshole suctioned around the metal plug stuffed inside of it. Courtesy of him coming into your room earlier this morning and shoving it in. Along with the first of many loads of warm seed he had poured inside of you today. It was something he did very often..sneaking into your bed to have his way with you as you remained in blissfully unaware slumber. There were times that you’d wake up to the sensation of his cum spilling out of you or wetness splattering your thighs because he’d fingered you in your sleep and those juices subconsciously spilled out. It seemed rather creepy and odd to do such a thing but you absolutely loved it! That much apparent by all of the salacious posts on your accounts all but begging him to.

hence why you were seated on your knees, thighs clenched together to avoid pathetically rutting yourself against his shoe and those big brown doe eyes fixated up at him. (Y/N) had been sporting a pink silk apron with not a single article of clothing underneath with the exception of thigh high socks; the color meshing beautifully with that decadent brown skin..luscious as ever. Long black hair flowing across your shoulders with a bang cascading over your forehead. Around your throat was a pink collar with a thin iridescent chain that was currently clenched around his tattooed knuckles to maneuver you as he saw fit. Satin lined ties binding your wrists in front of you so that he maintained full control. Looking so innocuous yet your head was filled with tons of equally disgusting thoughts. It was a fantasy he’d often dreamt about; watching a beautiful girl be domesticated just for him. Willing to cater to his every whim while looking absolutely stunning doing so. It was his birthday after all and you wanted to make it as special as possible. He did for you on the regular so it was only natural you return the favor. Even if it meant being fucked senseless on any surface at any given time, regardless of how exhausted you were! You’d been in the kitchen attempting to bake him a cake when he all but whisked you away and decided to take his treat early. Holding the end of that chain and making you crawl to him with that ass poking up in the air. He’d never seen something so sexy before in his entire life. If it wouldn’t have been such a damn shame, he would’ve combusted on the spot.

“Fuuuck..you’re doing so good, princess. Just like that..eat that fucking dick up f’r me. Oh my gosh..yes. You must want all of this cum, huh?”

seated on the bed before you, sporting nothing but black sweats that had been shuffled to his thighs with his legs spread far apart, Eren would gently tug that chain and buck his hips upward. Holding your head in place whilst meeting it with rough thrusts.

“Mmmph..fuck, of course you do. I’m just gonna keep fucking this pretty throat until I nut in it. You can take it..”

Peering over the rim of his glasses, Eren gazed down at you with full adoration..in complete awe of how you abandoned every ounce of your morals to please him. Needless to say, he was madly in love with you! He’d make good on his word when you’d feel that pulsating twitch and that same warm sensation gliding down from your jaws. Holding your head down and forcing you to swallow every drip of his seed. He’d begin to convulse and whimper, bucking his hips with a rough pace..spurting out strings of semen; even holding you in place to empty the remnants of his swollen balls into your mouth. He’d cry out, whimpering and moaning until his head would roll back onto his shoulders. For the moment, all he could do was laugh and be in awe of how amazing you were.

“Mmmm..shit. Lemme look at you..wanna see that pretty face covered.” That’s when he’d take his fingertip underneath your chin and hoist your face up. Only to be greeted by a beaming smile and those plump lips coated and smeared with precum and saliva. He’d mark your cheeks with a couple slaps before depressing your tongue using those digits and lobbying saliva into your mouth. Long strings and tiny speckles filled your tongue and you’d graciously beg for more.

“Harder, please.”

“Yeah? You like when I slap you, baby? Treat you like my little whore?..”

“Yes! Fuck..do it again.”

There was something insatiable about the both of you at the moment. The incessant urge to fuck his little toy and yours to get pounded into oblivion had reached its limit. Shoving those fingers in and out once more, he’d finally retract and replace it with his lips; pulling you into a sloppy kiss.

“C’mere..I gotta fuck you, like right now..” almost so desperate that it was adorable and funny. He’d hoist you by the restrained hands before placing you onto his mattress..pinning your legs back behind your head until you were folded. He’d grasp that chain tightly, kneeling down into the memory foam before tapping that juicy slit with the tip of his cock. It was aching and practically begging to feel your tight walls clenching around him.

“Pull my head down please..I love watching it slide in.” That sweet little voice of yours could sway him to commit murder if you desired it and without hesitation, he’d oblige. “Of course, gorgeous. Whatever you want.”

Taking that chain once more, he’d tug into you and have a perfect view of that shaft beginning to disappear between into that tight hole. Still a bit sensitive from that orgasm before, he’d make home inside of you before releasing a loud groan. You truly did bring out his worst. Leaning down, he’d clutch your throat and initiate another kiss before beginning to move. The sensation of that first thrust elicited a sharp gasp from you both simultaneously but staring into your eyes whilst getting to drill your shit was all the motivation he needed to push through.

“You’re so fucking tight..no wonder I can’t stop breeding you. Goddamn..”

(Y/N)’s breath would catch in your throat as those deep strokes slowly infiltrated your soft folds. The feeling was indescribable. That hard, thick cock stretching you open; swollen mushroom tip only inches away from your spot already and the result was silky cream pooling around his shaft. He wasn’t much in the way of being gentle today..he needed to break his pretty little slut! So much so, Eren had found himself with one foot planted on the bed in order to get deep as possible.

“Yeah, that’s it. That’s the fucking spot. That pussy feels amazing…you’re creaming too..I love it.”

But he wasn’t the only one feeling the effects..as you were clawing at his abs with those bound wrists ringling around.

“You get me so fucking wet, I swear— ‘s so deep in me, gonna make me come..”

“You like when I dig you out, gorgeous? Look how you keep sucking me back in..”

“Yes daddy, I love it when you fuck this tight pussy.”

at that moment, drool would begin seeping down the corners of your mouth and that fucked out state would fall cast over your face; that tongue wagging and jolting. Your body jolted back and forth, meeting his thrusts..those veiny, inked hands groping your plump tits and ripping them out of the confines of that apron in a matter of seconds. He loved how soft and pillowy they looked bouncing around. He could remain in this like this forever with you and never grow tired. Fastening the grip on that chain, Eren would pull you closer once more and quicken his pace. He’d speed up and feed you deeper, much rougher strokes.

“And I love when you call me that…makes me wanna get your pretty ass pregnant. That’ll be the best present ever.”

letting out a soft cackle, he’d shove his fingers in your mouth..thrusting them in and out to pacify your loud moans. It was honestly such a beautiful sight..watching the subtle tears flow down your cheek and that smile stretch across your lips. He wanted this to be the memory imprinted in his mind when he thought back to his birthday. Seeing you happy, those sweet eyes staring back at him full of adoration and lust, not to mention getting the privilege of doing all of these salacious things with you.

“But first, I need you to come on this dick, baby..make that shit squirt for me.” In a subtle motion, he’d reach down to unfasten your rope, freeing your hands for the sole purpose of aiding him. Those rough strokes began to penetrate your spot to draw it forth. Meanwhile, he didn’t even need to instruct you on what to do next.

“There you go, rub that fucking clit, bitch. Get yourself there f’r me.” Fully aware of just how turned on being called out of your name got you. He certainly didn’t make a habit of it outside of sex but here, nothing was off limits and he knew that you’d do anything to please him. So much so, that you’d plead for more strings of saliva in between your jaws to slicken up that swollen bud. Your chest, still being groped by his palms, began to heave and you’d cry out his name as you felt that climax only seconds away from barreling out.

“Oh God! ‘m coming, daddy, fuck fuck!—“ in that moment, it was as if everything in the room faded to black and the world stopped moving momentarily. The only thing you could feel was a damp warmth forming underneath you as those streams of juices spilled all over the place. Shooting directly against his abs and so powerful, it sent that plug flying out of your other entrance.

“Aw, there you go, baby, I know. I know it feels amazing..you earned that nut, you’ve worked so hard for it.” Talking you through that insane orgasm as you struggled to come back to reality. Once you did however, you’d find yourself rewarded with a barrage of sloppy kisses. Whispering sweet nothings and ‘I love you’s’ through the sound of your soft cries, he'd wipe those tears from underneath your eyes and make certain that you were alright.

“Here, let’s take a break. Let me grab you some water.” Traipsing over to the nightstand as he struggled to capture his own breath. Retrieving the cool liquid, he’d tilt it back and let it flow into your mouth..swallowing the much needed source of hydration.

“Good girl, there you go. Just breathe for me..” that deep voice so stern yet comforting. It was no wonder you fell apart and would give anything to live in his skin!

“I-I’m sorry! I came so hard—“ but he was quick to denounce your apology. You’d done nothing but everything he’d asked today, even at the expense of his own bedsheets. Gently caressing yiur cheek, Eren would chuckle and reassure you that it was all fine. Because not only was this the best celebration he could’ve possibly asked for…

“..hey, it’s alright, princess. You’ve been incredible. Please don’t be sorry, I’m so proud of you right now. I love you so much. Thank you for making this birthday so special.”

but because little did you know…

“Besides, we’ve got plenty of time for you to rest. I’m just getting started..I haven’t even gotten the chance to do all of the nasty shit I want to. Just wait.”

there was a lot more in store!