#this is more of an impulsive thought while im on break but its a very

[castorfell]

Idk the first thing abt hosting a zine but. Snack Pack zine.. would that be cool.....

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[haechani4ever]

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: break up ✧

╰┈➤why would you two break up

. . ⇢ ˗ˏˋpairing ot7 x gn!reader

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋgenre angst

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋwarnings mentions of cheating

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋnote im sorry i know its kinda sad but im feeling very angst these days. also i had so much fun writing this and i hope u like it :)

✦➼mark lee ┈ he didn't have time for you

✦- sadly we all know how busy mark always is. likewise, he tried to give you some of his time, but it wasnt enough. sometimes days went by without them seeing each other and when they did see each other it was for 10 minutes. the good morning and good night messages didnt really make up for anything nor did the other text messages with small updates. probably you were the one who broke up with mark. he's too kind and sweet to do it. he also didnt really realize what he was doing and thats why you broke up.

it was a weekday when you approached him to talk to him. they were both in the kitchen of their house. they had just finished dinner when you told him. mark was shocked when you told him. he knew you were right but he really thought it was something that would happen and they could live with it. he told you that he understood but he was really very broken.

✦➼huang renjun ┈ fell out of love

✦- renjun is someone so sweet and loving but also someone who can lose interest quickly sometimes. i mean once you see something you dont like there is no turning back. you have to have a very strong relationship for it not to happen. but if it happens, i feel for you. it will start with things like stopping being attentive to you and almost completely avoiding physical contact between the two of you.

he told you out of nowhere really. you thought your twos relationship was in a good place, and suddenly he tells you that he doesnt love you anymore. probably it was that way because it was the only way he found to tell you. those words destroyed you completely and when you asked for explanations he didnt know how to give them because he really didnt know what had happened either.

✦➼lee jeno ┈ you no longer understood each other

✦- from one day to the next the relationship stopped working. you didnt understand him anymore, Jeno. It seemed like he no longer trusted you and was hiding things from you. the talks at the end of the day ended quickly and he no longer spoke to you much directly. you thought it was because they couldnt understand each other anymore so the trust between you felt absent.

a few months ago this was a problem in your relationship, suddenly talking to each other was not comforting nor did you listen to each other. every talk led to an argument. he was the one who brought it up to you. the relationship was no longer working, he loved you, you loved him, but they no longer understood each other. the spark that connected them had gone out

✦➼lee donghyuck ┈ cheating

✦- i dont know why but sometimes Hyuck gives me those cheater vibes. it must be because i read a lot of things with a plot about that, but thats not the point. despite being a very intelligent person, haechan can sometimes be somewhat impulsive. he was easily carried away by a provocation or he was simply drunk, we dont know really, but he did it. he swear it was a one-time mistake but it happened again, two more times. but since the third is the charm you caught him in the act.

you couldnt believe it when you saw it, the person you had fallen in love with being disloyal to you. he came out behind you quickly and started apologizing. but it was too late, the mistake had already been made. you told him you didnt want to hear his apology and you left. He tried to contact you in the following weeks but you blocked him everywhere. eventually he gave up looking for you.

✦➼na jaemin ┈ different visions of the relationship

✦- you had been with jaemin for a while when one day you sat down to talk as usual and this topic came up. they realized that they both wanted different things in life and that they didnt know where they were taking the relationship. you were willing to continue the relationship, settle down and maybe start a family one day with him. but jaemin still wanted to continue experiencing life and didnt see their relationship as something serious enough to settle down.

with this information the relationship was no longer the same. there was no point in really continuing with this if one of us thought that way. so one day, you faced him. you asked him if it was really true that he saw the relationship you two had that way and when he said yes, you blurted it out. it hurt him, but he understood and thought it was the best for the two of you.

✦➼zhong chenole ┈ big figth

✦- chenle is someone with strong ideas and sticks to them a lot, so arguments were not something unusual in their relationship. it was always little things like who had to wash the dishes and stuff like that. sometimes things escalated to another level but never like that time.

the argument had started over something that was certainly stupid given the strength with which they ended up arguing. everything got out of control when you reproached him for something. from there, they began to tell each other every bad thing they saw in each other. the argument ended when one of you shouted, "well, if we're so bad for each other we should break up." and that's how it ended, you didnt see him again after that for a long time.

✦➼park jisung ┈ a misunderstanding

✦- jisung thought you cheated on him. he misinterpreted a message that was on your cell phone. at first he denied it (not only because it wasnt true) but because he didnt believe it was true, especially coming from you. but after that he started noticing things that were always there but he had never noticed them. things that had nothing wrong and were purely innocent on your part, but he didnt see them that way.

one day when he got home he told you something that had made him a little jealous, and although he tried to stay calm he ended up exploding and letting it all out. you tried to explain it to him but he got carried away by his ego and didn't let you do it. also relevant is the fact that you had burst into tears because of what he thought of you. in the end you wiped your tears and told him that the relationship was ending.

[dekusleftsock]

Hi! I wanted to talk a little bit about something that pissed me off, so if you dont want to deal with that then feel free to ignore the ask! There are mentions of SA.

I accidentally ended up seeing this anti toga post that talks about how she is terrible queer representation using 1. the loving animals line and 2. her killing others because of her impulse.

Basically they argue she is a sexual predator as killing would be like being denied to have sex with her or a representation of her SA others, and that the resolution seems to be feeling sorry for her and giving her what she wants, and that it leaves queer ppl in a bad look as sexual predators and even zoophilic (them saying they already had a bad vibe from the intro of the little bird?? Thinking its directly sexual confirmed by these leaks). Im so angry at this.

I think its clear Toga feels confused about what love means, as she says she loves many people but its clear every single one of them makes her feel and act differently -she doesnt love Jin like she loves Tsuyu, or the bird, or Stain, or Deku, or Uraraka.

Is it so strange to think she can be confused about it WHILE being queer?? Also seeing her love as a sex driven impulse is weird in my opinion -yes blood and cannibalism r used this way in media but she's not looking for sex ever, just to be liked and loved.

I swear I have seen yandere characters get a better treatment than her even when they end up causing more harm without reasons backing them up even.

What do you think of that perspective?

So I actually think that the zooiphile thing actually adds to the queer allegory. No i dont think toga wants to fuck animals and no I don’t think that’s she’s ACTUALLY a zooiphile.

But I do think that the REASON horikoshi made her that way is because… zooiphilia is a dirty thing that people don’t like to talk about. Toga is the same; she’s the dirty conversation her parents don’t wanna have.

And she’s attracted to blood! I don’t think that she wants to date or have sex with a bird or something, just that she’s attracted to it because it has blood and she can’t change that. I don’t think togas love is misplaced or anything, in fact I think she’s got the best handle on her love at all. I think that she just generally uses the very forward term of “love” for everything because that’s just how she is. A forward, blunt, and extreme person. She’s exploding with feelings even different types of love!

Personally, I’m surprised to see all these toga haters randomly appearing out of the wood work—and it’s probably because she’s actually got a chance with Ochako. It just surprises me yk, like people either didnt really care for her before or they thought she was a cool villain. Now that she’s herself and NOT a cool villain… you all suddenly wanna chase her down with pitchforks? Hm. Interesting.

People LOVE a queer tragedy; and toga is in the perfect situation to be one. Togas boob grab wasn’t even intended to be predatory/sexual towards ochako, she was angry and using it to grip onto her and stab her repeatedly. It was a symbolic way to describe Togas feelings of “becoming a real villain”, or in the sense of the allegory, “becoming a real queer predator”. The fact that people have taken this and actually made it about her BEING a queer predator is SO IRONIC!

Also… sucking blood doesn’t equal sex what. It’s intimate in the way kissing is intimate, it was literally compared to it.

(I TOOK A BREAK WHILE WRITING THIS AND FOUND THAT EXACT TAKE AND… WOW. WOWZA. QUITE THE STATEMENTS THERE BUD.)

ANYWAY… monsters and vampires and the horror genre as a whole has ALWAYS been queer, it’s always been about being deviant and exploring topics like cannibalism and, yes, zooiphilia, because we CAN TALK ABOUT THEM. GUYS ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Toga isn’t fucking animals, she’s not pretending she’s in relationships with animals, she’s vaguely attracted to them.

I saw this yt video a while ago talking about this whole Twitter debate about whether zooiphilia was as bad as eating animals. And personally, I’m not vegan or vegetarian, but it’s something I never really thought of before. And he brought up a good point that originally went to my head when I heard this question asked!

My thought was “Well zooiphilia isn’t natural, but eating animals is”. Well, being a PARASITE is also natural, we naturally want to consume, we naturally want to be selfish, and the fact that we have the foresight and intelligence to STOP ourselves from being those things is important for our survival. And there’s a ton of other arguments to be made and points to be had, but really, we should be able to ASK THOSE QUESTIONS AT ALL! We should be able to confront those things instead of shunning it away and putting it in a little box we aren’t supposed to talk about.

I just think anyone who is trying to label toga as “bad queer representation” or as a “sexual deviant/predator that Ochako is afraid of” have other biases/reasons to believe those things. That, or they have a very narrow mindset that doesn’t allow them to question the morality of cannibalism or any unconventional love for that matter. Unconventional ideas at all tbh.

I BELIEVE IN CONSENTING TO YOUR BODY BEING EATEN WHEN YOU ARE DEAD! I FEEL LIKE THAT SHOULD BE AN OPTION LIKE DONATING YOUR BODY TO SCIENCE!

Jeffrey Dahmer went crazy because he was eating people raw a lot of the time, and also he was just generally fucking crazy and a bad person. How about we consent to your body being eaten!

[beesmygod]

old hunters DLC also highlights some themes of colonial violence and exploitation too, imo. what’s been done to the fishing village and kos ties the beast thing up with this idea that like, the impulse to Conquer and Dominate another leads directly to the Curse. It’s not enough to understand the old ones and the blood and all that, they needed to control it, to take it for themselves, and exploit it however they can. And now there’s wolfmans everywhere.

And this is in the core gameplay loop itself, we extract all the vials and blood echos and blood gems that we can in order to become strong enough to conquer more and more powerful prey. When we’re hit, we hit back harder and take back the life that was taken for us. Sure it’s ostensibly to Break the Curse and seek Paleblood and all that, but we know why we’re really doing it. Because it’s sick as hell, and feels awesome to best these monsters. The old hunters knew that too, and it turns them into giant horse creatures unable to do anything besides violence. That thirst for violence and power makes hunters turn into beasts, now only functioning as a cog in a perpetual violence machine. They lose their humanity not through repeated death like in Dark Souls, but through taking life. It turns the characters into monsters, and the players into wiki editors and lore theorists (aka monsters) bc we also can’t let go of the feeling Bloodborne gives us.

Tl;dr: Bloodborne is like if Spec Ops had any subtlety or desire to leave itself up to interpretation (probably helped by the fact that very little of what I’m talking about is likely intentional and I’m just insane)

OKAY im back from my appointment and finished my little treat. anon ("anon" @chicknparm who should get credit for these good thoughts) i could not agree more. i mentioned this in a previous post but finding a strand of commentary about the evils of colonialism made me worried i was becoming dangerously online, but it's a relief to see someone else mention this idea. i think you are absolutely right that one of the overt messages in bloodborne is that spilling blood for your own benefit leads to ruin. its actually kind of shocking how, in spite of the combat being the draw to these games, the message of most fromsoft games is a message of anti-violence. like, how many times do we end up fighting something that, in hindsight, needed to be put out of its misery. oh. shit. thinking about it, our player character is explicitly an outsider. the role of hunter of hunter is filled by outsiders...

also lol you are so right about the wiki based insanity but i think that's the consequences of insight poisoning. literally every once in a while while trying to edit this stupid bloodborne doc i think to myself "oooeergg too many eyes" and take a break for a few days

anyway, turning this back around to the colonialism theme, hear us out ok: watching/reading the sekiro lore videos/posts by shetani of shetani's lair helped introduce a lot of esoteric buddhist and shinto concepts that were totally novel and unknown to be as a baka gaijin. now these ideas are impossible not to see in all of from's other works.

i did a few days of research on "shinshi" (mostly a lot of stuff that turned out to not be relevant, but interesting) after becoming aware of them and found they shared a lot of qualities with the augurs (or "phantasms", invertebrates that act as intermediaries to the great ones) of bloodborne. realizing this, i thought about the great ones not in the context of a christian god, as the MODERN yharnam does, but as kami. kami are numerous, everywhere, hidden, and are thought of as actively controlling or influencing the terrestrial world. the re-translation reveals that the "great pthumeru chalice" had some nuance lost in translation: "祀る - Means to enshrine or worship, but has connotations of doing it to appease spirits so they may reach nirvana or Buddhahood and avoid becoming evil"; this is simply translated to "deify" which is technically correct but the original feels like it's much more pointed about finally revealing to the player that the "gods" as we've been lead to believe them to be are not what they seem.

the healing church, a product of georgian to victorian era western beliefs, razed pthumeru, loran, isz, and the fishing village (and probably yahar'gul too) in the quest to become like their newly discovered gods. the framework by which they related to pthumerian culture was completely wrong and misunderstood the nature of "gods" as all knowing or all powerful and, thus, something aspirational. the reality was more that they are just another type of creature in the world with different limitations than a human. and they're still mortal.

[asylumdweller]

DIDNT REALIZE THEY WERENT ON, VERY SORRY theyre on now dw i got you still :)) and yeah you are so right theyre both weird little shaky perverts with obsessive tendencies and mental illness

(amab!kylar, yandere, guro, wound fucking, is more linear than hcs usually but this is the only way i could think to put it hwhssh)

♡ first of all youd have to have them FUCKED UP to do this to you. unless its brutality kylar. i could see you (assumably unintentionally) coaxing them into it relatively easy

♡ stabs you by impulse one day at their absolute limit. still hasnt come down from their delirium, watching you scream and shakily unzipping their pants as if theyre possessed.

♡ mutters apologies under their breath and something about having to teach you a lesson. doesnt even know themself why theyre doing it. their mind is a mess right now, all it craves is becoming one with you.

♡ holds you close to them with an iron vice grip and feels around for it while you lie there gasping, eventually lifting up your shirt a bit, running their fingertips over the slit.

♡ they pull their stuttering hips close to it, rubbing the tip gently through the blood. despite the hysteria, theyre already getting hard.

♡ you start to scream louder as you realize what theyre about to do to you, but it falls on deaf ears as they push into you. a whine slips out from them. its just as good as any other part of you.

♡ before you know it theyre fucking into it, a strange smile on their face as they let out half-moans half-sobs and your throat starts to go raw.

♡ once you start to go hoarse, you can hear the things theyre saying to you. "you feel so good, my love... you know, im-... aah...! ...the only one who's w-willing to go this far for you... so please... please please p-please please please please pl..."

♡ they start repeating it like a mantra, though it's becoming almost unintelligible now, their head thrown back in pleasure as they thrust into you near uncontrollably. your brain struggles to comprehend the pain and you can barely breathe.

♡ once you think you feel something spurt into it, you stiffen. kylar's twitching and gasping in ecstasy while theyre draped over you, still not meeting your eyes. not that it matters, because the few times they did during this whole nightmare it was more like they were looking through you than at you. they pull out with a shudder, licking their lips once their eyes settle on the sight of their cock slicked heavy in your blood.

♡ once they come to their senses, acknowledging that they did this to you would completely shatter them. so they dont. it never happened. at BEST, they understand that they stabbed you, to which they break down for a good while, barely even able to form words outside of apologizing over and over and over. as they clean your wound, its almost as if the semen inside of it is invisible to them.

♡ cant bring themself to jerk off to the thought of it, but has wet dreams about it that they can never remember after they wake up.

[meloriri]

bsd 108 spoilers !!! + F Dostoevsky’s crime and punishment spoilers i guess

im not totally convinced that fyodor’s act was completely fake honestly and ill explain why! this is just a quick thought not fully thought out so bare with me

i’m sure this is common knowledge but character backstory and personalities tend to be ripped from the author’s works rather than the actual author’s personality. Example; Akutagawa and the mc of rashoumon, dazai and the mc if no longer human, etc. if not inspired by the main character, they’re inspired by the theme of that work or many of the author’s works

f dostoevsky’s crime and punishment is a novel that follows Raskolnikov, a main character who literally kills someone because he thinks he’s special and he can. ( obviously a lot more in depth in the book lol) the book follows him in the first segment committing his crime and another segment of him receiving “punishment.” The first part is actually over fairly fast but it’s still really important to note.

while Raskolnikov is a lot more anxious and cautious than fyodor, i still see the personalities intersect. Raskolnikov goes on about how he’s going to commit this murder and thinks that it actually makes him a saviour because the woman he wanted to kill was a bad person. aka; he’s killing this lady because it’ll make the world a better place, according to him. Sounds familiar? Fyodor in BSD does his wrong doings claiming its to cleanse the world from evil. I’m sure most people already know this, but I thought I’d catch you up anyway. Raskolnikov is a man of few words, never seeming to lose his composure past the drop of a facial expression. He’s incredibly intelligent in most regards and because of that he overlooks his own flaws. He’s also kind of neurotic, he talks to himself, does things on impulse, etc. He’s not good at socializing and yet he can blend effortlessly into conversations with others. He feels a lack of remorse at any of his wrong doings. I see all these traits easily in BSD’s Fyodor.

However, in the second half of the novel, Raskolnikov faces some changes. He says he doesn’t feel guilty, and he still believes he’s in the right, and yet there’s a sense of guilt in his inner conscience that’s eating away at him. Suddenly, he gets nervous, expressive, emotional, he’s rushing to defend himself because he thinks what he did is justified because of his circumstances. He thinks he needs help. Raskolnikov doesn’t face actual punishment for his crimes until the very end of the novel, instead he struggles with the inner turmoil of knowing what he did. In the most recent chapter, Fyodor has this personality switch break down where he screams out for help and basically says he cant control it because of his ability and thats not his true self, referring to the him that apathetically kills others. Similarly, Raskolnikov breaks down multiple times in the novel, saying that the him that did that doesn’t represent him fully, that he couldn’t control it, etc. He victimizes himself, saying it’s because he’s poor and ill. In fact, he tells another character named Sonia that he cant control it because he is ill. Sounds familiar?

Raskolnikov backtracks several times in the novel, reverting back to his apathetic personality before breaking down all over again. At one point, he even confesses his entire crime, before suddenly taking on a light carefree looking and claiming to have been kidding. Literally EXACTLY what just happened with Sigma in the manga.

I don’t fully believe that Fyodor was telling the truth, but I don’t think it was all just a lie like he claimed. I personally think that the note and gun WAS from himself, that he wrote the “help me” in a similar crazed panic and hid it away. When he saw it, he was reminded and broke down again, accidentally spilling a bit too much truth in what he said. He snaps back into being normal after calming down and acts like he’s still in the other personality to trick Sigma. And, given what he said, this is somehow related to his ability.

How is it related to his ability? I have NO fucking idea. Though we have seen Fyodor with another form of himself in dead apple claiming to “crime” and “ punishment” which would check out perfectly here, theres too many other contradictions for me to be confident in that at all

What do you think??? I’m going to work through my thoughts about his ability more. then maybe I’ll add to this :)

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

I don’t really post vent art here but I decided I o post this one cuz well… Honestly it’s mostly cuz I can’t sleep and have a lot of thoughts circling my head right now…

Vent hidden just incase people don’t wanna get depressed reading my wall of text sndbdj

I used to talk a lot in my twitter and I do have a priv that I had posted this vent art on weeks ago but idk- Twitter has become such a toxic space its hard to be active there even in my private account. Well actually its hard to be active anywhere for me, but if you’re a long time follower you probably already know that. I’m a hermit, and very much an introvert with a weird social battery. Every time someone tells me they think I was an extrovert I always get so confused by it-

I don’t even know where I’m going with this or if it will ever see the light of day, but it can’t hurt to try and process feelings right?

Im not going to go into detail on to what made me draw this or the full extent of what’s been happening cuz its complicated as fuck- But I can try and dissect how I’ve been feeling or at least try to. For the past month or maybe more I’ve been tipping back and forth on my mental health, and at the end of May the scales finally tipped over for the worst and I did something so fukin stupid. It was a snap instant regret kinda moment and I knew I fucked up big time. While yes, there were outside things that happened and build up turmoil months prior that got me to that point of mental deterioration before the snap, its on me to have let myself get that bad in the first place.

I should have taken more breaks when I knew I was pushing myself constantly, draining myself constantly. I should have been more firm with my boundaries whenever I mentioned them and should have been better at communicating the hurt and stress and pressure thats been building up before it all came crashing down.

People always say “love yourself before you love others”, and on a logical and fundamental level I always understand why. At least I think I do… But to deeply understand what it actually meant I knew I only had, at best, a foggy grasp of it. And since what’s happened recently I kinda get a little why now. People who are hurt will always end up hurting other people when that hurt is ignored or not properly processed.

And thats what happened to me. I hurt someone I really cared about and I feel gross and unbelievably disappointed in myself for it.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try to be better for others or to be there for people and be kind and supportive to them. Those acts of service and kindness, tho genuine, isn’t going to fill the hole in your heart that you aren’t giving that kind of support to yourself. It’s so self destructive and will leave you to grow bitter from the inside out. And thats why it was so hard to see, and why I didn’t notice till it was too late. Cuz on the outside I look and acted fine, but inside i was deteriorating so much that I got to a point I couldn’t not see it anymore. And in a desperate cry for help I tried to open about it and explain int the worst way possible up but snapped, crossed a boundary I shouldn’t have then ran away.

And I don’t mean snap like get angry, I meant like snap as in I had a mental break that led to the worst tunnel visioned, impulsive fueled action afterwards. Its so hard for me to get genuine angry at people and when I do I walk away to cool down. I at least have some comfort knowing I didn’t unleash burning hot fury on someone cuz I think I might actually puke if I get to that point. That I have become that kind of person. But anger isn’t the only way you can hurt someone and I feel like what I did was kinda worse then plain anger.

Since that happened I just been away from almost everything. I mean I know isolation isn’t the solution so I kept a couple of friends close to have a support system to help me through this. But I did it to think and process everything that happened and has happened before hand that led to that point. And I haven’t just been overthinking and sulking and mopping in the mess I made because honestly who does that help really? I guess that’s what lead me here, to making a tumblr post on my dump account at 7am in the morning. To pick apart my feelings and toss it into the void.

Well that and 2 other reasons… That part where I was talking about being disgusted by myself? Yeh well thoughts of me “erasing myself form the equation” and just snipping connections left and right had pop up in my head more times that in has ever been recently. Cuz you know if ***I’m*** the problem then haha I probably wouldn’t be missed then!

But then two people check up on me and like I shit you not I started crying on the spot. Actually sobbing (but not too loud cuz I can’t cry in this house hold) because oh wow not everyone hates me. Like yes I had my support system and they are doing gods work, they are lovely beautiful human beings and love and adore them! but it’s different when someone you weren’t expecting checks up on you, to know you occupy a space in their head and to hear and see that they cared enough about you to check.

One of them was a friend from a new more recent friend group I had been in when I joined a new fandom. Me and that person hadn’t been particularly close nor talked too much but I loved their company whenever we did get the chance. I wish I talked more to them but time zones and my own social anxiety kinda prevented that so that is something to work on. And the 2nd one was from an old friend I kinda drifted away from a lil, cuz again I moved fandoms, but was very close with. They have absolutely no clue about my current situation but actually checked up on me cuz of uh… The territorial tension between China and the Philippines hdkdbsjsb. It was so out of nowhere and unexpected like they didn’t even have my alt discord to message me but they found a way so I was kinda just super touched-

And those two interactions plus my awesome friends who have been a great support system, that keep me centered and grounded. Im reminded that people do care and that one mistake doesn’t make me scum of the world no matter how loud my toxic thoughts screams it at me. Especially not when I am trying to be better and recognize the mistakes I made and even apologized before taking my break from most my contacts. No one has even called me that but myself cuz Im so quick to be hard on myself for any mistakes.

All I can do now is keep myself centered, allow myself to feel my complicated feelings and process them in a healthy manner, do my best to be better moving forward, and to be patient with myself and move at my own pace.

Hey if you got this far into reading, wow you must have a lot of free time! /lh jdkdjdhdjdhd-

That or you’re just really interested in how I’ve been. I’ve been called mysterious, aloof and hard to read before so maybe you wanted to know what actually goes on upstairs lol.

But either way here’s a little something for reading I guess. The words in the vent art is actually lyrics and this was the song I was listening too when I was making it. Additionally if you’re feeling sad and need a song to listen to try this, it helps me process emotions. Either way if you happen to stumble on this, I hope you get something form this and that you have a nice day.

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

tagged by @postwarlevi!!! i wanted to reblog but it got long so i'm making a new thread 😅

this is so cute 🥺🥺 any chance to talk about katvi i'll take it (✿◡‿◡)

1. who is the better cook?

him for sure, although neither of us are too big of a fan of cooking. i think he just tolerates it more than i do, although i do think there are some recipes he legitimately enjoys

2. who takes longer showers?

me. idk if its the adhd but i tend to forget how much time i spend in there and before i know it, he has to poke his head into the bathroom as a passive aggressive way of telling me that i stole all the hot water 😭

3. who is more organized?

him for sure. a point of contention with us is that i'm way too messy and it drives him through the roof. some boundaries had to be established and while it still makes him grumpy sometimes, he respects my space

4. who generally spends more money?

neither? technically me because if i get fixated on something, i'll tend to impulse shop but usually limit it to small-ish things or wait until they're on sale! he likes buying specialty teas and coffees and sometimes those can get kinda pricey, so i think we roughly break even

5. who likes sleeping in more?

hmm. i think this is difficult to answer because we both suffer from pretty bad insomnia. i think if it's who ends up sleeping in for longer, it's me. i'm the type that'll take like 4-5 hours to fall asleep but i can stay asleep once the sun rises (which is incredibly annoying) his insomnia is the type where he can get shut-eye for like 20 minutes at a time, which usually translates to him getting out of bed as soon as the sun starts to rise regardless of if he slept or not

6. who is the better driver?

im a passenger princess (✿◡‿◡) but also because driving gives me anxiety because i've gotten into accidents before, so he just does it for me, so it's levi for sure

7. who is the most stubborn?

hard to say. i think me. he usually gives in first because he gets way too irritated and is just like "whatever".

8. who is the most romantic?

neither 👁️👄👁️ at least not in the traditional sense. maybe me because i'm a sucker for romantic sunset walks (✿◡‿◡) but also him because sometimes he'll leave cute little notes around the house for me and it makes me melt (i have a little collection of them :3)

9. who is more laid back?

me. i think he's overall more extra or particular than i am. and this isn't in regards to him needing clean spaces. that's fine. i'm talking about the extra amount of work he constantly puts into every little thing, especially when it comes to house projects or even picking out toys for the cats. whereas i'm just kinda like...as long as it's not doing harm, convenience is king

10. who is more likely to ask for directions?

me. and it's a silly reason. like yes, i'm directionally confused a lot but i think levi would want to just. wander around and hope we get unlost and i'm not interested in doing that.

11. who is the blanket hog?

also me 😅 i get very fitful when my insomnia acts up, which usually translates into me wanting to hug something (why, you ask? no idea), whether it's him, a pillow, my plushie, or (in most cases), the blanket.

12. who is more likely to lose their phone?

him. he's technologically confused, which translates him to just not really using his phone unless he has to. it also means he's shit at answering texts on time >:(

13. who initiated the first kiss?

him because i was too shy 😅 i still thought it was some kind of joke as to why he was even interested in me, so i never really made a move.

14. who fell in love first?

hard to say. probably me since i was crushing on him forever, but he was the one that reached out and started stuff soooooo who knows

15. who planned the honeymoon?

him, mostly? he decided what we wanted to do. he was very extra about it, wanting to make it worth our money and get like the maximum amount of r&r with the least amount of stress, which i lowkey appreciated sm 😭 i was the one that did all the booking and reservations tho lol

#: @romantichomicide95 @luvjiro @leviismybby @jayteacups @lucysarah-c @whoami-72 @sixpennydame @wyvernslovecake @stygianoir @einnyl @nube55 @svftackerman @roseofdarknessblog @bita-bita @averysmolbear @youre-ackermine @thevelria @crazychaoticizzy @littlerequiem @notgoodforlife @bloompompom @ackermendick @sad-darksoul + anyone who wants to join! if you don't partake in self-shipping, then please ignore! ＜（＾－＾）＞

[found-wings]

aaaaaa codebreakers have my heart- rewatching the vod where the french-speakers first joined and oh my god etoiles literally has my heart omg so I'm at 2:46:30 rn and I just hear etoiles going "hello philza :D !!" and trying to get his attention and asking if he likes to explore and phil saying he does but he'd have to bring his kids, one of which (chayanne) who's been trying to get their attention for like a couple mins now and etoiles sees the sign asking who he is and says he is a warrior and explorer and wants armor to be able to protect them and i just AAAAAAAAAAAA HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN JUST SUCH A KIND SOUL TOWARDS THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCHHHHHHHH IM ACTUALLY GONNA EXPLODE

on a less sweet but more funny note, he also talks to baghera about socializing and that he's gonna go explore and runs off (note : wearing just a diamond helmet) and baghera just tells phil that he's going to explore alone and that hes going to die and she'll watch while drinking a cocktail and then returned like 2 mins later in 3/4ths diamond with an iron chestplate from ramon LMAOOOO

and i am holding 2:51:03 very close to my heart as its the first time they ever did one of their dumb little sparring sessions from etoiles boosting him up the waterfall 😭😭 they then start running around shouting nonsense before they start beating the shit out of each other and etoiles profusely apologises for breaking the potato farm after shoving phil onto it and after like 5 mins of waiting for pomme he just goes "philza philza !!! do you want to see me mlg ??" and tosses himself off the wall (successfully mlgs tho W) omg the sillies I want to squeeze them like stress ball

also also extra minor thing but when etoiles got the paraglider he was like "oh its like zelda !!" and I just love whenever someone new joins the island bc there's always at least one person in each group whos played botw and every single time someones hyped abt the zelda mod 😭😭 anyway no clue why i choose here to rant abt it but i needed to get codebreaker thoughts out and here was the best place (￣▽￣*)ゞ - 💿

God I really need to rewatch the vod of them first arriving, I love them both so much RAAAH

Etoiles wanting to protect people from the literal start since he has been on the island has my heart, just wanting to protect everyone and help them as much as he can - he‘s so <333 RAH

Also I deffo need to rewatch the vod purely because of the first silly sparring session. Sometimes they both share a single braincell, especially when doing the random, silly fights and I‘m absolutely living for it WHEEZE

They are not each others impulse control, they nudge each other’s impulses on most of the time in the silliest ways sometimes and support the other through it 100%. It‘s either all or nothing AJAJJA

Also so true on the Zelda bit - there‘s always at least one person who‘s hyped about the mod

Hell I don‘t even play Zelda but I was hella hyped about the mod AJAKAJ

[the-therapist-is-ace]

(VERY LONG POST!!!)

Hello everyone!

I'm sorry for the people that follow me for other things than BATIM because this is my new hyperfixation at the moment, please bear with me xD

I suddenly decided to share my ideas about some BATIM AU I had for... a while since BATDR just came out and the fandom is back from the dead x)

So basically this is a Power AU. With everyone of the main cast having particular abilities. (I actually had the idea from the fanfiction "Magic cleaner is more than just an advertisment" by @hello-im-not-a-possum on Ao3, go check it out it's awsome!) I just thought it would be funny because why not xD

Those with powers are: Henry, Joey, Wally, Jack, Sammy, Susie, Norman, Thomas and Allisson. Let's go in that order!

Henry Stein: Do I really have to say? Bringing drawings to life of course!

Pre-Ink: At the beginnig it wasn't much; just a little drawing moving on the page here and there. That's actually what gave Joey the inspiration to start cartoons, seeing his old friend's drawings moving on their own on the pages. But when begining animating Bendy, and by his love for the characters he created, it started to become stronger. Strong enough that the Little Devil Darling would sometimes pop up to reality with his friends for several hours in a row. That is until he got drafted for the war and left the studio. As the years passed by after the war, he discovered that he could even manipulate at the manner of an elemental bender the ink. But it wasn't really strong; just enough to make some shapes and forms when he had trouble visualizing an idea. His powers continu to grow after he returned home, but he became a master at hiding them.

In the Cycle: Joey sealed away (I'll get to it on his part) almost all of his powers before throwing him in the Cycle. He knows that Henry have the strongest magic out of everyone in the Studio, so he went through several sealing and bending rituals before sending him in it. But even that wasn't enough, because Henry can still do a few things; the Golden Ink is one of them. He can create it, manipulate it, make it last for as long as he want, and hide them from Joey's view. He's also capable of using the globs of ink to shape them in the form he need them to -there's no handy machines like in the game in this AU, Henry do that all by himself-. And despite Joey's attempts, he's little by little breaking free from the script's influence...

Joey Drew: Devil's deals and rituals. He can make rituals -often satanics but can be both... well could be at the beginning- contracts and deals with people and they CAN'T go against it after "signing" them. He can also easily persuade them if he feel a weakness in their heart.

Pre-ink: Nothing too bad -compared to what he did next- using his deals and contracts to make sure the Studio and Bendy were growing and becoming more popular and loved. Henry was often his impulse control and moral compass. At that time he would never had the idea of using his powers against Henry.

After Henry left: Oh boy. He took it BADLY. He made a deal with GENT Corporation to create the Ink Machine as a way to "replace" Henry's talent, and to prove to him that the Studio didn't need his "temporary bringing the characters to life"; after all the Ink Machine would bring them to life FOR GOOD.

We all know how that sorted out though. -he had to make a deal to every employees to forbiding them to quit-. However, seeing his former -magical- employees having a (very understandable) grudge against him, he made another deal this time with the Machine itself to trap its ink-corrupted inhabitants locked up: by reducing and warping their powers into something else entierly, something twisted. Exploiting a weakness in their minds to bend them and theirs powers. However, a time loop isn't a type of magic that he could hide from magic users, even as weaken as can be. So after throwing Henry in the Cycle to torture him, he made sure that they would forget the loops. But against Henry's magic it's starting to wear off...

Wally Franks: -I took the idea from hello-Im-not-a-possom fic here ^^'- Telekinesis Fantasia style. Only on cleaning supplies and light objects in general; he's still young, it needs time to develop and he's happy for now with the janitor job.

Pre-Ink: Was absolutely oblivious about why every magical people he could feel and see in the studio were trying their damnest to hide theirs powers from the CEO of the place (to each other's too, but not as much as Joey). Wally personally didn't have a problem to admit that he had magic on his own when Drew caught him in the act -it was the equivalent in real life of the Fantasia scene really; brooms, buckets, rags and feather duster flying around in an organized chaos- because he figured that ("Well he got magic on his own! Can't be all that bad right?") He's the one that accidentally revealed the existence of magic to Joey. (well the existence of his employees' magic) He's also one of the very firsts that Drew made the deal to be unable to leave with. So despite what he loved to say, he couldn't even with his magic "get outta here!"

In the Cycle: He's the one that Joey reduced the most. In a Boris body (this is my AU again) he was unable to cast any spell; he's one of the most vulnerable and sensitive to magic now. But it doesn't stop him from being able to change some of his cards to another color or shape in his games with Henry (to this day he had never been caught.) As time pass by though, he have a nagging feeling that he should... Get away from this place... And it's only getting stronger.

Jack Fain: This one doesn't really have a precise name for it. Jack is a litteral muse; mostly to Sammy but he can inspire others musicians and artists if he write lyrics -or poems-. He brings inspiration and motivation wherever he goes, and as such everyone in the Studio appreciate him.

Pre-Ink: He was just the geniune positive energy of all the studio. No matters the crazy deadlines, the inhumane amount of work, or later on the pipes bursting everywhere, Jack Fain always had a smile and tried to give everyone the strenght and will to continu creating. His lyrics never failed to move the audience, and together with Sammy they gained several awards. (all under Joey Drew's name however...) His powers weren't visibles; he was the one that gave everyone creativity behind the scene, the strenght to move forwards and continu despite it all. He wasn't the animator that could bring the drawings into the real world, nor was he the janitor who make brooms and buckets fly to clean after hours. He was the quiet voice in the back of your mind that whisper to you a new idea or a new song. As such, Joey didn't think it was necessary to twist his powers more than the ink did.

In the Cycle: It's more or less the same but without a lot of his memories from his life before the Studio. Asides the moments with Sammy it's pretty blurry. But since there's not really a lot of people to inspire these days (oustide of Sammy when he was lucid enough to remember how to compose) he's quite powerless. But even in his form of a Searcher, he can still bring a bit of joy and strenght to the others Searchers and the Lost Ones that are under Sammy's wing back at the village.

Sammy Lawrence: Can be seen as telekinesis as well, but stronger than Wally's; if he's angry enough (which already happened) he can throw a person across the room with a wave of his conductor stick (it was Joey.) Technically it's more wind control. It's a tangible force that you can feel contrary to Wally's telekinesis.

Pre-Ink: Prodigy. In music and magic both, the guy was already capable of playing an entiere orchestra with his magic at the age of seventeen. He is seen as one of the strongest air-bender (not the last one thankfully) of the century in the element-bending community. As such he didn't had friends in said-community. He left them to meet his best friend, and musical partner Jack. He used his powers several times when Joey's deadlines weren't humanly possible (he prefer to have the band rehearsal his songs before recording them though; he already wrote songs that were impossible to play without magic before. Only realizing when the band looked at him with bewildered eyes when seeing the sheets he had written.) While he very much did not tell outright that he was an air-bender, he didn't tried to hide him from the band members, Jack, Susie or Norman -well Norman was more him discovering Sammy's abilities because he's just spying on everyone than Sammy telling Norman-.

After Susie was fired and Jack went "missing", he went to confront Joey about it. Only to get drugged without his knowledge by an ink coffee served by his boss (I don't believe you can get dependent by only having an ink pipe burst above your head and some drips of ink getting in your mouth sorry ^^') and got bend by a deal at the end of it. Joey wasn't stupid; he knew that Sammy's magic wasn't going to be weaken and twisted as easily as the others; so he went to poison him slowly but surely to erode them.

In the Cycle: His air-bending abilities were completely burried under the corruption of the ink. Now, his connection with the Ink Demon and the Searchers is taking all of his capacity. He can feel when the Ink Demon is coming and hear him talk; call upon the Searchers and communicate with them, ordering them to attack or not, as well as the Lost Ones. All of this as in the game. The only trace of his wind abilities is his capacity to walk through walls. And the feeling that his mind is trying to fly away from the ink trapping it. And what's with the deja vue feeling?

Susie Campbell: There isn't a real name for her powers either; it's more or less emotion-based. If she's happy, her voice -especially when she's singing- will send you a feeling of happiness as well; when she is sad, you will feel upset upon hearing her. And when she's angry... well if she was angry enough at someone, the nearest people around her would have taken a swing at that person's face. She brings emotions to people by mere hearing.

Pre-Ink: Nothing really out of the ordinary at first; the voice actress was appreciated and loved by everyone. She was with Jack, the sweetest person there is in the Studio, as well as the one that bring the most emotions in her acting. Nobody realized exactly that she had power, until she was -for an episode- rehearsing a song where Alice was angry about the latest prank Bendy had pulled on her. The acting was perfect! So much so that the other voice actor voicing Bendy started to get angry at the toon demon, under everyone's confusion. Upon seeing that, Susie immediatly apologized ans shyly explained that it was probably because of her.

However... The day she was fired, everyone remembered it. She was so upset, angry and betrayed that the music department didn't got out unscathed.

In the Cycle: Joey took the opportunity to use Susie's despair as a way to persuade her to make a deal with him; to become Alice. She accepted, and we all know how that played out. With the ink corruption, her voice cannot make people feel emotional anymore. But she gained something in exchange; the ability to lure people with it, like a true siren, and to put them in a transe... However an Angel is patient. And Susie shall wait for her time to take control back of her twisted body, which she was forced to share with a corrupted version of the character she loved.

Norman Polk: Darkness/Shadow manipulation, and noctural vision.

Pre-Ink: Norman definitely didn't tell his coworkers his abilities. Firstly because he didn't want to be called out for his sneaking habit, and secondly because his element doesn't really have the best reputation. The only things you hear about shadow-benders are how cruel they are of stealing light away, how creepy it is for them to roam around in the darkness and how they are all secretly serial killers. Not the best resume to work at an animation studio, you'll admit. However, he used his abilities a lot; he fused with the shadows when he heard something that he wanted to investigate, turn off the lights in the Studio with a mere snap of his fingers -nobody understood what the heck was going on until Joey investigate throughly every employees' abilities before using the Ink Machine- and of course, played a lot of pranks by suddenly making a projector that he had previously covered the lense with his powers, go off. So for an outsider's point of view the projector suddenly turned on without anyone near it. (he scared a lot of animators that day).

In the Cycle: After he eavesdropped a particularly worrying conversation between Thomas Connor and Joey Drew about the Ink Machine, he got caught, without him noticing himself. Before he could warn others however, Joey called him in his office and used a binding circle to keep him in place before decapitating him. As with Henry, Drew used a lot of seals, and others rituals to reduced and corrupt Norman's abilities; but since dark-benders are not bend by the usual spells as others elementals, Joey had the idea of using its own opposite: light. He switched Norman's head with a projector, and activated the Machine. Then the Projectionnist was born; forced to see only in the limited range of its own light. A perfect way to make his former employee unable to use his magic.

But since he refused to lose his mind that easily despite the ink's influence, Joey directly throw his soul in the -ironically- darkest depths of the puddles, leaving his body a roaming dangerous husk. But a shadow-bender soul's isn't going to be imprisonned in the darkness eternally. Especially with a new golden light in the Studio...

Thomas Connor: Metal manipulation. More particulary morphing it into a different form.

Pre-Ink: As part of the GENT Corporation, he used his powers on a regular basis. Touching some pole of metal to change it for a wrench, use it for a few screw loose, then change it back to a pole... Oh he need a screwdriver? Another touch ans here you go! His colleagues liked to call him "portable toolkit" but that was it. But he didn't used them nearly as much as when GENT had this new client: Joey Drew. The man clearly had powers of his own, and not pretty ones from what he saw. But that's the thing: while he made that Machine, when that... thing came from it, and what Joey decided to do afterwards... Well Thomas was here. Saw everything. And metal morphing capacities or not, against pentagrams, rituals and bending spells he didn't stand a chance.

In the Cycle: As a Boris clone like Wally, he really don't have a lot to work with either; however, even if the ink had weakened his powers greatly, it didn't changed them... Too much. He can't change metal that he's touching anymore, but he have a mechanical arm. And THIS he can act upon. He can morph it however he please, however he can't solidify it more (which led to many broken arm but he never complained). But that's enough to protect his dear Allisson. Poor Allisson that don't remember anything... He will protect her. Through all those blasted loops. Mark his words Mister Joey Drew.

Allisson Pendle: Waves control. It's a seperate branch of magic users who decend from the air-benders, specified in airwaves. In Allisson's case, it's mostly about soundwaves.

Pre-Ink: Allisson didn't used her magic much, asides from messing with Tom when they were working away from each other. She used airwaves to carry sweet loving messages, whispered teases, or reminders that he forgot something. She was honestly a bit surprised that the Music Director was an air-bender (quite powerful too, or so she heard. Then again rumors have a tendency to being exagerated -she quickly changed her mind seeing him sending Joey flying with a movement however-) but she didn't try to pry. Air-benders and the decendants of mutations in their magic weren't exactly friends after all. So they kept their distances -after Susie's replacement it was for the best- until Joey came to her. Asking her a little favor some years after the Studio closed for good, and that the majority of the employees had either quit or dissapeared.

In the Cycle: As she doesn't remember anything, her magic isn't something she reclaimed back from the ink. As such, Joey didn't even take the hassle of twisting it to a weaker version of it. But as the loops are passing and Henry's influence more and more the script, Drew might realize he made a mistake...

And it's all detailled! It took me ages to finish this xD

If you have questions about it, my ask is opened! I'm in the middle of my BATIM hyperfixation, I'd love to talk about it xD (Also no, I didn't really took the books in consideration sorry)

[case-57-with-the-enclosure]

Chapter 4

of lost in the dark (he's got a heavy heart) by @definitelynotshouting!

( 1 & 2, 3)

"For a long moment, Grian stares at them, mind as fresh and blank as new snow. It feels like he’s circling something, drawing inexplicably closer to its event horizon with each new revolution– like any minute now it will pull him in, and he’ll fall, forever tumbling to regain his balance."

oh the spiral,,, love the use of event horizon here hell yeah

"It only takes a few simple ingredients to invert a healing potion. All he needs after that is a little time to brew them, when nobody else is looking."

extremely personally attacked bc -and this might shock you /s- my special interest is this block game and as soon as Tango mentioned potions the entire chart popped up on my brain.

this one, almost exactly. backstabbed by my own autism once again

"Three or four." Grian keeps his face carefully neutral. "I dunno, maybe five?"

WHATS THAT LIKE, 15 HEARTS OF DAMAGE? 30 IF HE GIVES HIM HEALING II???? GRIAANNNN

"It's a familiar tic, and the aching thing in Grian's chest spiderwebs out in fragile fractures. He's never enjoyed lying. Half-truths, sure, and he's always loved a good loophole– but outright lying? That's not his normal style. Tango is right, five is an absurd number– it's a miracle he's even entertaining the thought."

"spiderwebs out in fragile fractures." AUGH oh how i love literature fuck yeah. that hurt

"But five will be enough to make sure. No last minute resurrections, no sudden rescues. Just himself, the void, and the universe they all belong to. He wonders if it will sing to him as his code falls apart."

*dies*

"You weigh like, nothing, dude," Tango informs him, and there's a little hitch in his voice Grian doesn't want to parse. It makes something in his chest shudder and curl up, tight and cold. "What the hell."

there's something so infinitely funny to me about the direct contrast between the narration and the dialog- its like tango is a muppet starring on a Noir film. very good.

Grian's chuckle is a small, reluctant thing, breaking in his throat midway, but Tango's entire demeanor brightens as if he'd burst out into howling laughter. Something swells in the air around them, and it takes a moment for Grian to pinpoint that feeling as hope.

HEAD IN HANDS orz I'M- (sobs) I'm a weak man i see hope and i go nuts

Maybe it's the knee-jerk fear that makes Grian do it, the bone-deep terror that this will somehow pollute his resolve– or maybe it's just cruel impulse. Either way, this question has been spinning in his mind ever since they found him in the void, and Grian blurts it out before he can swallow it back down. "Why are you even here?"

i loooooove dread and terror man, hooting and hollering for cruel impulses

"I'm serious, man." Tango sets his jaw, then heaves a sigh, glancing up at the ceiling. One foot taps anxiously against the wooden floor. "It's… okay. Okay, I’ll admit it. It's actually because of Jimmy." It takes a beat for that to sink in. When it does, Grian’s eyebrows rocket into his hairline, incredulous. "Tim?"

gay people?? on my block game????? more likely than you think

ok i didn't grab any specific fragments of Pearl's appearance but oh boy oh buddy oh fuck if my back didn't tense up :^> ass clenched i fear

====================================

Closing Thoughts

i know it will get worse before it gets better. but i can't help but to hope and i think that's a wonderful thing to achieve while writing angst <3

i have the urgent need to do ANYTHING minecraft-fiction related, so i might start workshoping something with my friends and i's mc ocs :Dc idk im inspired

[violentviolette]

Reading your recent impulse control post, the whole "needing to use a lot of conscious energy to control impulses" is so true and is explained really well. I don't know if you've ever had this same experience, but a lot of my impulses are incredibly persistent—to the point that even if I manage to hold them back for some days, acting on them is inevitable; the impulse is simply delayed in the end. it's always inevitable that I'm going to feed into, say, an impulse of buying a switch I will not use even if I manage to hold it back for a couple days. it's literally something I can't ever fully rein in. I'll get the impulse to buy a specific thing, and even if I manage to NOT buy said thing for a while, I will always end up buying it in the end and it's so bad. the only time I ever successfully 'control' the impulse is due to my immense paranoia around spending/saving money, but even that doesn't stop me some of the time. not sure if this counts as impulse control, but it's definitely something I always have to consciously talk myself down from acting on and it's such a damn pain because that feeling of HAVING to act on the impulse doesn't leave in the end majority of the time. it's like a ghost sidekick haunting you every day. I should be banned from having a credit card.

that actually wouldnt qualify as an impulse, but only because of the very specific circumstances. ur definitly right that the sudden urge to buy something because u Want It even if its a bad financial decision or u dont need it is definitly an impulse, and if u bought it right there everytime without stopping urself it would be an issue of impulse control

but since it persists for days and the impulse doesnt pass after uve successfully controlled it and instead keeps reoccuring till u give in to the feeling/thought, then it kind of evolves into being a self control and gratification issue. impulses are classified as quick immediate sudden urges, and then they leave just as quickly. so any feeling that lasts past that first initial thought or moment is no longer an impulse

in this case, it then becomes an issue of gratification. which is something thats super common for cluster b pds and tons of other mental illnesses. we have dysfunctional reward centers in our brains and dont recieve proper chemical rewards for the right executive functions and tasks. this often leads us to have chronically understimulated brains that become very bad at not seeking out immediate hits of dopamine, which is why so many mentally ill people struggle with drug, shopping, and gambling addictions. ur brain wont be satisfied until u give it the hit of dopamine that the action brings and it will just keep eating at u until u do it.

this is super common and something i struggle with a lot. im really bad with money and have been addicted to almost every chemical ive pumped into my body to make it feel something lmfaooooo

so while thats definitly highkey something all cluster b's struggle with its much closer to addiction than strictly impulse control, which isnt to say impulse control doesnt play a big part in addiction, just that what ur describing is more than just impulse control if that makes sense

these are like, much more nuanced distinctions though and like describing that situation as impulse control isnt wrong at all, but the distinctions can be helpful when looking to break down and understand the behavior so u can get better control over it

[cow-legs]

Of course it does feel a little silly to make big update posts about how im burned out and am trying to take a break from drawing right in the middle of a time where im uploading new art more relatively consistently than i have in a very long time it feels like but i guess it was still important to make the distinction, between things that i enjoy drawing and can keep doing vs things i dont enjoy doing at all and need to stop immediately, just for my own sake.

Openly telling people "yuuup i'm not going to be drawing anything other than super basic shit from now on for a long time" means that whenever i think of drawing anything post-worthy i know i will feel silly for posting it after saying that, and from there if i still decide to go through with it anyway it was probably something i actually wanted to draw and enjoyed doing while if this thought made me self conscious enough to not go through with it then it was probably something i wanted to draw only due to impulsive obligation rather than something i wanted to spend time making just for the fun of doing it so the spell gets broken. So its a functional enough system, i guess.

&now that this distinction has been made in my brain i can spend more time doing shit i actually enjoy instead of letting it get beaten out by the things i "should" be working on every time

Putting my foot down and going "no, i am not going to keep forcing myself to do detailed clean lineart on even more detailed sketches when i get much more enjoyment out of just doing really rough and simple shit instead" after i have found myself independently coming to realizations about what kinds of art just suck the life out of me over and over again and then just disregarding these realizations every single time to go back to the shit that kills me because "well this is how you normally do it" or "this technically looks nicer, in some aspects" and finally just fucking forcing myself to stop doing that is probably overall more helpful to my mental health than just forcing myself to stop drawing altogether when thats a drastic move that may or may not be the actual solution. Now i am finding and re-learning ways to create things that don't make me feel like i am a walking corpse so i think i will take the feeling of thinking i look a little silly for seemingly disregarding my big life updates over never having found these things out for myself at all any day.

I don't really know why i feel like making update posts in the first place when to be honest i dont think it really matters, people arent paying me for any of this and i stopped feeling "sorry" for "not posting enough" or such things as that a long time ago so it's not like i feel any kind of legitimate need to tell people about what my status is creative-wise. But i guess a large part of it is just that i like talking and have a lot of things to say but for various personal reasons have no desire to post 99% of these thoughts publicly so it's the like rare chance i get to actually start saying shit on any of my art accounts that is actually relevant to the subject at hand without crossing my own boundaries and saying more than i am comfortable with

It is a little weird feeling writing update posts though because i dont really know how to word them in any way that doesnt come off as a fanfic authors note going "sorry its been a whole 20 minutes since the last update i got mugged and all my money was stolen and he broke my leg also but im trying my best to write more despite this" like girl focus on the mugging not this shit. When in reality i actually dont care very much about providing Content as much as the hypothetical fanfic author i just felt the need to say something because why not and didnt know how to word it in a way that makes me not come off like that. which is how you get this i guess. anyway i already forgot what the point of this post was i guess i just wanted to say some shit. which tracks i suppose.

The moral of the story or some shit i guess is that even if you are not doing art as a job it can still end up feeling like one and killing your creative spirit like one would and you need to be able to identify when this is happening and what things you dont actually want to create even though you feel like you "should" so you can kill these practices before they kill you

or something like that

I dont really care about having a point here i wrote this at 2 am

i just like talking

[jupitercl0uds]

ive just been reminded of stuff oh no

if youve read most of my posts since like mid august, maybe september onwards, youll know that i am STRUGGLING rn. while its been all over the place, having highs and lows, i seriously havent been this bad since 2020/21. i know the reasonable thing to do is take a break, but i cant do that because i have pitiful impulse control atm. that being said, the only thing to really stop me is to deactivate. my main blog's been going for years now, so i dont want to lose everything, though i also get the urge to occasionally.

the issue is, the only times i actually feel almost fully comfortable in a social circle is on tumblr and even then im still scared and awkward. my school friends keep saying really hurtful stuff and while a lot of it is just as a joke, theres almost no time to be serious with them. ive tried. i weakly asked them to stop calling everything retarded more months before finally putting my foot down and demanding, although it took a month of 'retard! whoops, i shouldnt say that' before they just went straight back to it.

my family loves me but i dont like it here. i dont think i even can get into it because its complicated. just know ive seen and HEARD a lot over my short life and its finally starting to catch up to me.

as for the other kids in my school, im in an awkward spot. im honestly fairly 'normal', just with slight outbursts from time to time, but ive always been weird so i always will be. oh, year 9 me, how naïve you were. they don't care if you have an autism diagnosis, if you mask or not, you will NEVER be normal, you will NEVER be accepted and they dont care if theres a reason. if anything, that makes it worse.

im only ever happy when im on tumblr or doing something sonic related. on tumblr, im insecure that nobody really likes me or someone's going to manipulate me, with no amount of reassuring being enough to change that. and as youve already seen me say, sonic is 'too childish', no matter how heavy the themes can be.

this always happens. pre-2020, i didnt really use social media much and i was 11 oldest, so my main escape was roblox/youtube. in 2020-22, i was only happy when chatting to friends on discord. that was ruined when we all started to argue and drift apart. in 2022-23, it was tiktok. this was then ruined when popular kids found my silly waluigi tiktoks and started sharing them around. i havent used tiktok since june and i havent posted a public video since may.

but then, last year, i remembered i had a tumblr account. i started to use it more. and then, when sonic got involved and suddenly i was becoming friends with people, i started to feel my absolute happiest. i was euphoric.

until, of course, my brain struck.

if my birthday werent at the end of august, i think i would be much worse than i currently am, because at least i had a short break to be happy. school was off to a bad start from the very beginning. i didnt sleep the night before my first day, nor did i sleep before the second. what's worse, mum didn't let me stop working at the charity shop i had THOUGHT was for the summer, because, you know, i dont have anything on my plate, im able to just have a designated day of the week where i have to be productive. nope! ive had my days off, but ive still had work every week. is it hard? no! do i have the spoons to go most weeks? also no!

thats not to mention exams. ive always been a well performing student and will be surprised if i fail even 1 gcse, but im not the top of any of my classes, not even the ones im passionate about. no, i dont have to be, i know, but when you grow up as a kid who often IS the top of their year in something, the moment you aren't, you feel like a failure. even if i get all 9s and a d* in drama, there'll be someone who gets more than me in something, and i know i definitely wont get all 9s and a d* in drama. i was proud for a moment, for being top of english, until i found out a girl ive known since primary got a 9 in an english language mock. english language. my favourite english and the subject im best at. needless to say, i was miserable. i barely even slept across the course of my mocks and wont be surprised if i do the same for my gcses.

i sometimes wonder if im just not built for the world, which could honestly be the case. because i have low support needs and my biggest problems are sensory issues (which can be easy to prevent) and social problems, i forget im even allowed to be disabled by autism. but i think that honestly might just be the case.

ive always wanted to be a teacher or an animator, hopefully both, but im starting to wonder if i can do either. animator has such a big workload. teacher also has a big workload, but i know because my family is full of teachers and artists that it's the kind of workload i can manage. but the kids? could i control the kids? could they even take an autistic, nonbinary teacher seriously? again, i dont have high support needs, but its hard not to notice im autistic. of course, if everything goes to plan, i would probably start teaching in the 2030s earliest, 2050s latest, so the world will have changed, but how much?

i get most of these are problems out of my control, but i suppose im just scared and tired of living. that's why i make a million posts a minute: i cant get a word in edgeways with anyone else. that's why i get so apologetic: id get ridiculed for trying otherwise. i get that im annoying and boring. i should know. when i was 3, my dad infodumped about back to the future to me for about half an hour and it was such a tiring experience that it still gets brought up. so i get it, it's annoying when all i care to talk about is sonic. but its the one thing i can care about right now. the world is in ruin and i hate being alive. i dont even have enough motivation to act upon any occasional suicidal/self harming thoughts.

but life goes on and there's no way to stop it.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi.. so you can call me arey. im tired. so very tired. and im looking for.. support? someone to listen? i think i just want to get it out of me. i have no friends. because i just feel used a lot of the time. i go through days where things are okay and then days where i dont really see a point of my existence. i have a kind and patient boyfriend but its hard to make him understand it all. he doesn’t really.. know how to talk to me. and i dont want to breakup with him because 1. im terrified of what he’ll feel. and 2. i don’t want to make an impulsive decision. i just dont know if i can be happy. not just with him but with anyone. i go through so many emotions and i dont talk about them at all. i want.. connection. but i want connection without worrying about how long i have to rest for because my soul is so heavy.

Hi arey,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. It can feel incredibly isolating to not only have very little friends, but to have a boyfriend that doesn't really understand what you're going through. Although it makes absolute sense to feel that isolation and even questioning your own existence, please know that you're not alone in experiencing these things.

Regarding your partner, it may be worth examining this fear of what he might feel if you broke up with him. Wanting to protect people from their own emotions is empathetic, but ultimately unhealthy. How your boyfriend may react to you breaking up with him doesn't deserve to be a barrier if leaving the relationship is something you're considering. It can be painful to recognize that we ultimately cannot protect others from whatever emotions they may experience, and in many ways those emotions are necessary for healthy expression and growth. For the sake of your personal autonomy and mental health, the option of breaking up should be an easily accessible option if it is something you wish.

Sometimes this can be a part of a codependent relationship, which can be characterized by excessive caretaking, a lack of boundaries, a fear of abandonment, and avoidance of confrontation. This article explains a bit more about what codependency means. This article talks about how protecting partners from their emotions works in the context of a codependent relationship. It's important to remember that relationships where a partner seeks to protect the other partner from their emotions isn't inherently codependent, however. That being said, I did want to throw that term out there to see if it's something you resonate with and that you feel applies to the context of your relationship.

I also hear that another concern of yours regarding potentially breaking up with your partner is that the decision may be impulsive. It's important to consider that while you deserve to take your time in determining what is best for you, you also deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship that also meets your emotional needs and a partner that can effectively communicate with you. It is completely reasonable to desire the connection you seek in an intimate relationship, especially on a deep emotional level.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could best help you in navigating the complexities of your relationship, exploring your feelings about the relationship, and constructing a game plan moving forward, whether that means continuing the relationship or parting ways. A therapist could also help ensure that those moments of not seeing a point in your existence doesn't escalate into suicidal thoughts or attempts.

I hope I could help, and please know that we're here if you need anything.

-Bun