#this is mostly about some trauma i've been processing lately

[cicadaghost]

learning boundaries

[astriiformes]

To be completely honest I have been doing some Wrestling as of late (by which I mean. since October) because despite all the joy finishing my conversion last year brought me, debilitating moral OCD and the Ongoing Situation do not mix well. Which has been really hard because it's very difficult to be like well, I'm so glad to have joined this community for real and properly just in time for it to suddenly be a source of immense difficulty for me, too. And I'm trying my best to be involved in organizing efforts and to connect with likeminded Jews but it's still been very hard.

And on top of everything having another friend starting their conversion exploration journey recently has been making me realize how strange and lonely and isolated mine was, because it was so affected by the pandemic and lockdown and I didn't get to join my classmates in doing activities outside of class or celebrate holidays with other people or even go to our shul until fairly late in my journey. And of course I had all the other hiccups, like working with three different rabbis due to circumstances out of my control. And it was so worth it and the right choice, but still deeply imperfect in ways I feel sort of melancholy about.

But this last week I'm suddenly finding my place in ways that have been missing for a bit and it feels so important. The Jewish printing symposium I attended was so amazing, and I finally set up my recurring donation to my synagogue now that I'm officially a member and seeing my name and my Hebrew name next to each other in the online portal is making me smile, and some other people from my shul that I don't know very well but would like to get to know better invited me to a second night Seder at their place later this month that I think will be really good, and I'm doing research for a paper on medieval Jewish science for my medieval history class and reading excerpts from the De'ot ha-Filosofim and Midrash ha-Ḥokhmah and Sha'ar ha-Shamayim, and I've been working on my Yiddish and listening to a lot of Yiddish folk and punk music along with it, and today I think I'm going to finally talk to the LGBT history curator about the queer Jewish archives event we're doing in May, and it feels like something important has clicked back into place, that I think is going to make me both happier & more effective at the organizing work I want to be a part of but haven't been able to engage with fully for months now.

Anyways I feel like this Pesach is going to Get me because of the timing of this all, and also I already had some really, really hard stuff happen to me last Pesach that I have mostly processed but has still had some far-reaching repercussions, so there's an element of anniversary trauma (?) meets healthy processing that I know is going to happen, too.

But it's still a good reminder of why I chose all this, and that religion & spirituality & community really are incredibly important to me, even when they're difficult (maybe even especially when there's difficulty) and also that I am tougher than I give myself credit for and not totally a victim of my own brain! Which is! An important feeling, if not necessarily an easy one.

[aemondtargaryensfire]

A Ravenous Desire- Masterlist

NOTE: ON HIATUS The writer's block has been BAD for this fic and I've realized that this is because I'm honestly not very happy with what I have written so far and where it's going. I may have rushed my outlining process a little bit. I have thought a lot about it, and I'm going to be revising what I have written from the beginning in an effort to get it to where I'd like it to be and mend the months-long gap that really threw me off of my creative process. There are a lot of things that I would like to add or edit to enrich the overall story, mostly having to do with the background Targaryen lore and general themes. What I have already posted will stay up for the foreseeable future while I work, and I plan to replace those parts with the revised chapters here on Tumblr once I have the entire story at least 90-95% complete. I will also be cross-posting on AO3. This should hopefully put less pressure on me and allow me to follow a posting schedule of updating AT LEAST once a week. This update was posted on 5/25/24.

Rating: Explicit

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x fem!Reader

General Warnings: 18+ Minors DNI, AFAB reader, she/her pronouns, cannibalism/descriptions of cannibalistic acts (i.e. eating flesh and other body parts), mentions of inbreeding and incest, violence, gore, blood, murder, death of major character (s), angst, ANGST, soooo much trauma, self-harm

To avoid spoilers, more detailed warnings will be added to each individual chapter. Please pay attention to these!

Summary: When Aemond Targaryen was only ten years old, he ate his own eye. And ten years later, driven by rage and pain, Aemond commits an act that confirms a truth he’d always known: that he was a monster. Desperate to flee the wrath of his family, Aemond runs away from home, only to meet you, someone more similar to him than he ever thought possible.

Author's Note: Cannibalism as a metaphor, my beloved <3 In all seriousness, this is a dark one. I'm taking some inspiration from Bones and All, so this is intended to take place in the late 80s to early 90s and there may be some narrative similarities.

Prologue

Chapter One, Part I

Chapter One, Part II

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Epilogue

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

Searching For Former Clarity (Against Me!)

And in the journal you kept by the side of your bed/You wrote nightly an aspiration of developing as an author/Confessing childhood secrets of dressing up in women's clothes/Compulsions you never knew the reasons to/Will everyone you ever meet or love/Be just a relationship based on a false presumption?/Despite everyone you ever meet or ever love/In the end, will you be all alone?

"Searching for a Former Clarity is about the process of dying. It's the closing track to the album, and it shares a theme with the opening track, but while Miami uses disease and dying as a way to talk about the city metaphorically, Searching for a Former Clarity is much more personal. It's also partly autobiographical. Laura Jane Grace wouldn't come out for another seven years, although if I'm remembering right she was convinced that this song would immediately out her to everyone. (I could be thinking of a different song from the same era. It's kind of a running theme in her music.) A while back I saw an old video of her performing this song, when it was still new and she still wasn't out. It felt wrong to see that version of her, honestly (I'm old enough that I should have been a fan in the 2000s but I'd never heard of Against Me until a couple years ago), but it also amazes me just how much *better* she looks now. She looked so much older then, and unbelievably more miserable, than she does now. I hate that she had to live like that for so long, but I think about that contrast every time I hear the song now. Honestly, with that in mind, I never want to hear anyone saying shit about how they are glad someone suffered so that they could Make Art(TM) about it. Fuck that. Don't get me wrong, I love this song and most of Against Me's discography, but I'd willingly give all of it up if it could somehow retroactively mean that Laura Jane Grace didn't have to have the shitty life experiences that led to it. Yes, a lot of art comes from suffering, but people shouldn't have to fucking suffer for art. I've had some experiences lately that forced me to think about my mortality a bit more seriously than usual. If I died today, there would be an extensive record of my gender, and my complex feelings about gender, on various mostly anonymous twitter and tumblr and reddit accounts. If I died today, nobody who knows me would know the name I chose for myself. Not that I'm a historical figure (I'd probably be entirely forgotten in a decade tbh) but speculation about my gender would be *at most* someone's conspiracy theory based on poorly-sourced and badly-interpreted speculation. I'd be buried as a man, I'd be remembered as a man, I'd be forgotten as a man. That was my choice. I have my reasons for making it. I don't know if it is right or wrong or even if the concepts of "right" and "wrong" are the right ones to use when thinking about it. I'm still going to have feelings about it every chance I get. Searching for a Former Clarity is a pretty good way to get them. Emma. That is the name that I chose."

Am I Awake (They Might Be Giants)

When I get through this part/Will the next one be the same/Will I be wondering/If I'm awake?/These are not the clothes I had on when I went to bed/And something else besides my hair is growing from my head/And when I close my eyes it looks the same as when I open them again/Am I awake?

"Man I don't know what exactly about this song gets me so hard but it just makes me wanna get up and stim and think about my blorbos and their trauma. it also just speaks to me as a person with memory and identity issues, it really outlines the dissociation and confusion i feel when i don't remember something and/or can't grasp what i'm feeling. it also has a sort of inception vibe to it? or maybe groundhog day? The strange vocal samples and frantic drums and fast bpm with the really slow vocals on top is just soooo good. really really good song"

[hairstevington]

i'm counting the days to the rapture

Summary: Benny wakes up in his diner, completely alone. He's in Hawkins, but something is different about it. Not quite Hawkins. He's somewhere else. (Link to Ao3)

Word Count: 516 (this one is mostly just a teaser!)

Warnings: Talks of death, Benny's POV of events from episode 1, nothing serious yet

A/N: Okay! I am biting the bullet and diving into this idea I've had brewing for a few months! Unlike my other stories, this one is not centered on any particular pairing and instead is more about trauma, healing, and grief. The idea is that each (named) character who canonically dies in the show shows up in order, and they all process their lives together. But! This story isn't all somber and melancholy - they start piecing things together as time goes on, and come to find this isn't quite the afterlife. As usual, I will put the first few chapters on Tumblr and the rest will be on my Ao3, so hop on over there if you like what you read!

Benny woke up on the floor of his restaurant with a headache from hell. He clutched the back of his skull, wincing as if there was an injury there, but the skin was smooth. 

He sat up and looked around to find the room completely empty. He didn’t know what time it was, or how long he’d been out. 

Wait, why am I on the floor? What happened?

He tried to recall the last thing he was conscious of. There was a little girl. He called social services. They showed up. Then, bang. 

Wait.

Bang? 

That didn’t make sense. Then again, a girl with a shaved head randomly breaking into the kitchen and stealing food was abnormal too. Oh, she had been so scared. He hoped she was okay.

And then he came to the only plausible conclusion - social services knocked him out and took her away.

He was filled with anger and concern. If they’d knocked him out, then those folks weren’t the good guys. He had no idea where the girl was or if she was safe. Maybe he’d led her right back to the people she was running from.

Shit.

Benny stood up and walked to his phone. He dialed the Sheriff’s personal number. Even if it were late, they’d been friends for a while - he would understand. The line seemed to be disconnected, so Benny figured he’d changed his number again or something. But then he dialed the number to the police station, and that was disconnected too.

So was 911. 

He rushed outside to get fresh air, only to find the world much quieter than it had ever been. No hum from Hawkins Lab, no birds singing or crickets chirping. It was nighttime, that much was clear. Otherwise, this hardly resembled the town he knew so well. 

He was somewhere else. 

It was like a mirrored version of his home, or perhaps a copy. Something that was nearly the same, but just missed the mark. Worst of all, it was terribly empty. He’d never been one to believe in spirits or auras or mystical energies or anything like that, but he immediately understood that there was no one around him. All his years thus far he’d spent feeling life around him, and now there was none. It was an instinctual understanding. An absence that chilled him to the bone. 

There wasn’t much that could be done, at least not this night. He walked back inside, checking the freezers and fryers. Fresh food was still there, at least. He decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Benny cooked himself a meal in that empty diner, waiting for something to happen. Time didn’t feel the same here, wherever he was. It wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, just lonely - then again, he’d always liked being alone. 

And then, at some point, a teenage girl wandered in - wide-eyed under wire-rimmed glasses. 

“Hey,” Benny said, stunned at the company. “Where’d you come from?”

“I just climbed out of an empty pool,” she responded. She took a deep, shaky breath. “I - I’m pretty sure I’m dead.”

(part 2)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist! (kind of guessing on this because it's a gen story so if anyone wants to be removed or added please let me know!)

@skjachukson @manda-panda-monium @twcatelgatitodetwitter @renaissan-vvitch @disastardly @goodolefashionedloverboi @depressed-gays-of-marvel @smolbasilboy @bunnyweasley23 @alliemunsonsstuff

[fraddit]

Okay, here we go. January’s not over yet, so I can squeeze my 2023 review post in just under the wire. I know it’s not technically necessary to do stuff like this, but it’s something I’ve done at least the last several years, and I do think I get some benefit from the ritual and also perhaps some benefit from forcing myself to type it all out and post it where others can see it (although nobody needs to actually read it. It’s probably gonna get long.)

Last year was the first year of me doing this, I think, where I pulled up all my original posts for the year, and had posted no original works of artistic merit. No photoshop edits, no architectural models of sets, no whatever else I sometimes do. Normally that would make me feel pretty shitty about myself, but I sat with it all for a while, and, yeah, I didn’t post any “stuff of merit”. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything. And as someone recovering from a nasty addiction to horrible self-criticism, I think it’s important to stop and take purposeful notice of accomplishments, even neutrally, although positively is the goal.

And now I know why I put off making this post all month, because I’m already starting to get emotional, just thinking about what the bulk of this post is going to be about.

In a lot of ways 2023 was a really good year for me. I did a lot of behind the scenes stuff that’s been really great. I made an awesome new friend. I started therapy again. I started morning pages journaling. I started bullet journaling. I’m in a really good place right now. Which feels like such a fucking jinx to even think, let alone type out. But at least for the moment, it’s true.

But the thing from 2023 that feels too big to me to even look at really is this:

I don’t remember making that post now, I just found it in my regular review process and it knocked me on my ass. But apparently I made that post at 9:30 pm on December 31, 2022. So, basically the first post I made of 2023. Or at least close enough.

And that little post feels like a big deal to me, because two or three years before that, I’d sworn off writing. I’d decided my relationship to it was just too complicated and fraught and difficult, so I should just give up and put my efforts elsewhere, toward interests and hobbies that weren’t so complicated or fraught or difficult. I had decided that it was time to just be realistic and accept that writing was just not something I was cut out to do and move on with my life.

But here’s the context for that decision, or at least a high level overview that is hopefully succinct and also steers mostly clear of being too trauma dumpy. And it probably reads like a cliched former-gifted-kid humble brag, but it's how my life went so, it's what I've got to work with:

I’ve always been naturally gifted at stringing together words and sentences in a way that’s coherent and organized and readable. Every teacher I’ve ever had, all the way back to elementary school has told me so. All the standardized tests told me I was in the 99th percentile in most subjects, but especially the one’s related to reading and writing. My AP English teacher senior year of high school told me I was the best writer she’d had in any of her classes in her decades long teaching career.

I flunked freshman English and had to retake it over summer in order to move onto the next grade. I got Ds in English for basically all the rest of high school. I know in my heart of hearts that my teacher junior year fudged the math to give me that D, so I didn’t fail. I graduated high school a semester late.

Because, while I may have been good at writing, I’ve never been good at writing. Any natural talent I may have had was utterly paralyzed by my executive function issues (thank you adhd and autism) that generally made it impossible for me to actually put words on the page when it mattered.

Despite all that, I apparently thought it was a good idea to go to college and get a degree in English Creative Writing. I was going write best selling novels. All my professors told me my work was great. When I managed to turn work in that is.

I’ve dropped out of college like two or three times. Last time was idk, 2019 apparently (had to go look it up). I was almost done. Just another semester left or so. But instead I got burned out, had a breakdown in the parking garage before finals because I hadn’t written any of my term papers, and then just drove away and never went back.

And it’s not like I wasn’t trying. Which is probably the most painful part, honestly. I tried meds multiple times. I read self help and how to books. I got an electric typewriter because surely that would fix everything. In my 20s, I did use it to bang out the world’s roughest rough draft for the first "book" (I use that term very loosely here) in a trilogy I concocted. I tried handwriting. I tried voice to text. And there was a beautiful period where I was working on co-writing a much too ambitious fic with a friend where I manage to write several thousand words.

But I have never in my life been able to write On Purpose, with any sort of consistency or longevity or confidence or ease. I had folders of wips and snipets of ideas that all amounted to nothing. I had what all my teachers always told me I had: tons of wasted potential. My only tried and true method that had gotten me most of my results in school was to procrastinate until the night before and use the pressure and adrenaline to puke out a paper just in the nick of time. But even that method eventually failed me (hence the dropping out). And even if it hadn’t, that’s not a sustainable system. That’s not a way to actually get shit done on a regular basis. That’s not a way to enjoy a craft.

So I quit.

I decided, this is too hard. And it makes me feel too horrible every time I fail. It’s too easy to hate myself every day that I don’t write when I think I should. I decided I just wasn’t built for this and gave the fuck up.

That was like three years ago.

So for two years, if I had an idea for a story or a fic, no I didn’t. I’d just ignore it. I did other things. But the ideas were still there. I’d still think about them. Sometimes I even wrote little snippets down. But it was just to get it down. It wasn’t real. I gave up writing. I wasn’t doing that anymore.

And honestly? Maybe that’s what I needed? I have no idea if things could have worked out differently had I made different choices. That’s life after all. But maybe the total lack of pressure from genuinely quitting was good for me? I’ll never know.

But what I do know is that me from a year ago made this post:

And then this post:

And then this post:

And then this:

Then this:

And this is what this past month has looked like for me:

It not part of my system to write on the weekends, so that’s 18 out of 23 days, I managed to show up at my desk and reliably put some effort in. I’ll fucking take it.

And what’s crazy is, it’s felt easy. It’s felt good. I like the process.

I don’t exactly love everything I’ve written. Any natural talent I may or may not have doesn’t make up for lack of practice. But If I can keep this up, I’ll have the practice too. Eventually.

It’s a learning process. I’m having to relearn a lot of skills I’d forgotten or learn new skills for the first time. For example, I’ve basically never seriously edited anything in my life, and with my new approach, I really put the rough in rough draft, so the editing is extremely necessary. But it feels good to be trying. To be gaining ground little by little.

Since I dusted off my ancient install of scrivener back in idk? June?, I’ve written over twenty-five-thousand words, which is A Lot for me. And yeah, it’s across multiple fics. And yeah, I haven’t actually finished any one fic yet and posted it. But I’ll get there. It feels crazy to know that if just keep doing what I’m doing, I’ll get there. And it feels crazy to know that I can keep doing what I’m doing. It feels like I can keep doing it indefinitely, and I’ve never felt like that before. Not in my entire life. At least not about writing.

So yeah, 2023 was a great year for me.

[halt-kun]

My Hero Academia Chapter 427 - Who was Togura Shigaraki, really ?

Should I be working on my PhD ? Maybe

But I also need to read that chapter

Anyway

Okay so a tv special on Shigaraki

well, he did kill a lot of people

I wonder where this is going

Because if I ever watched a documentary on some random murderer dictator-wannabe and they ended it with "but he was a misunderstood child with trauma", I would riot !

But let's see what's the angle there

OOOO SPINNER CHAPTER

I'm HYPED

the guy with an unrequited crush

what happened to the quirk AFO gave him ?

Thanks Doctor

clearing things up, pleases me

Well that's a bit ironic considering what Shigaraki did to mostly random civilians that weren't actively against him but yes Deku is a murderer technically.

Even though he just gave AFO what he wanted, his quirk

Well now he's calming down

Spinner really gives me the same vibes as Sensui and Itsuki

Well I'm crying, this hits home a bit with the rise of the far right in France (though we (the left) won). My brothers long for destruction in a similar way because they feel rejected by the system (even though they're ciswhitestraightdudes)

So : CAN Deku save Spinner ???

This could destroy me

Spinner really gives the black incel from the countryside vibes

Deku is calm

Spinner, he was your hero of course, and at least for someone who would probably be akin to some alt right geek, at least, your "hero" was rooting for you and thinking about you.

Not just using you for your money because you think you're a loser who won't amount to anything worthwile

Shigaraki's last words to spinner in an alternate dimension : "you should invest in crypto bro, you'll get rich and have women"

I'm noticing now that I don't know enough about the japanese political system to really understand what is represented here. Spinner and Heteromorphs were definitely supposed to mirror the civil rights movement from the US and yet, did he really try to represent somealt right incel there.

Or is it just a byproduct of Spinner character he didn't realize would come to be ?

To my knowledge, Hikikomoris can share this aspect of incel geeks in japan but I don't really know how it's been lately.

I thought my cultural background was closer than that between US and Japan but it's true I've followed US politics more lately

Let's continue though

Well it hurts Spinner, I understand

But you'll have to move forward and accept his legacy, he didn't only affect you but a lot of other people too and not just "positively"

You'll have to move forward at some point, if not for you, for him.

He's not here anymore, take the time to process your grief, but you need to becomes your own hero from now on.

I truly hope you can fight on your own and take part in the reconstruction of Japan toward a better country.

YES

YES

YES

YES

VERY GOOD

YES I KNEW HE WOULD GET IT

You can be a hero Spinner, to yourself but also to others

you have to begin with yourself too

will you join us ?

And save all the Shigarakis laying in wait, ready to succumb to despair ?

Hahaha nice Deku

but yeah, he won't forget about Shigaraki for as long as he lives

TEARED UP AGAIN

yay Shoji, the GOAT, he saved you too in a sense

Oh shit, does it mean Chisaki interacted with Eri ???

Not a good idea, how'd it go ?

Well, even them will work toward redemption it seems

I doubt Eri will forget too

she's traumatized and it's probably lying somewhere, repressed very deep into her psyche.

Thanks Tsukauchi, but a good psychiatrist would be a better idea, she already has a good support system

she needs professional help to complement it

if needed

Oh first years already !? Too bad they'll get expelled in a matter of hours

Oh god no please

fangirls

and Mineta

kill him right now if he even dares to go back to his perverted mind

Is there even a guy in there ?

Anyway, very good chapter

Is MHA going to have one of the best conclusions among mangas (especially big WSJ mangas) ? I'm starting to believe it !

[ganonfan1995]

I've thought it through, and I'm not really sure when I'm going to pick NHFOM back up.

I really wanted to see it through, but if I'm being honest, it was a project I started during a point in time where I was feeling 100% myself (both mentally and artistically) 2022 really slonked my shit stupid style, and recovering from all the trauma and misery has been a long loooong journey for me. Trying to revisit it now, while I still love the characters and the AU I built up around it, has been really complicated for me. On one hand I still think the material holds up, but on the other hand I've really lost a lot of the jokes and I've been struggling to connect with them. (maybe it's the depression, maybe its maybelline)

While I've been doing a lot better in this year, 2023, the further I move away from NHFOM the more I feel a bit alienated from it? I'm not sure how to describe it, it feels more like an obligation rather than something I'm excited to do.

That's all to say, is that I'm going to post the outline I had written back in 2021 for the first chapter of NHFOM. I might still pick this back up, but it feels weird to let it just rot in my google docs, unread and unloved. So if you're curious as to what Link and Ganondorf get up to, it'll all be under the cut. NOTE: The way I write comic outlines is VERY bare bones. These are mostly quick ideas and lack any sort of dialogue/structure outside of general pacing and ideas.

NO HYRULE FOR OLD MEN

Aryll’s Birthday:

Link convinces Ganondorf to allow him to send a letter to Aryll for her birthday.

The Soup:

Link tries to recreate his Grandma’s soup, destroying Ganondorf's kitchen in the process.

Heroes Clothes:

Ganondorf convinces Link to dress in Time’s clothes. They do not even remotely fit.

Link of the Past:

Ganondorf and Link drinking and reminiscing over OOT events, Link is trying to play along.

Thank god they’re both trashed. 

The Bandana: 

Ganondorf reprimands Link for being so careless about his appearance and asks him to get a haircut.

It’s revealed that Link has MPB and Ganondorf shares a culturally significant hairstyle w/ him in solidarity. 

Miniblin:

Link befriends a Miniblin? I don’t have a joke for this one, it’s just cute.

Ganondorf’s Day Out:

Link discovers the portal Ganon uses to teleport between worlds, he follows him in disguise and learns about his “secret hideout”

Therapy:

Ganondorf is having his monthly therapy session with a bokoblin, distressing over Link and contemplating why he’s different now.

Link is fishing naked w/ Miniblin

Helmaroc King:

Aryll discovers that Helmaroc King loves fish and forms a bond with the giant bird. She breaks a deal to send letters to Link once in a while in exchange for a tuna.

The Boat:

Link notices a weird red boat with a face hanging out around the tower. He and miniblin decide to take it for a joyride.

Hero in Training:

Sick of his devil-may-care personality, Ganondorf convinces Link to take up some serious training. Link immediately throws his back out upon lifting a mock master sword.

Princess Zelda:

Upon learning more about the Triforce, Link purposely misleads Ganondorf in his quest to locate the third Triforce…Because he doesn’t want to move out.

The Desert:

Ganondorf recites his “my country lay in a vast desert” speech. Link interrupts to ask what a desert is. 

Family Dinner:

Link makes dinner, Ganondorf is late and Link chews him out for his lack of appreciation towards him.

Ganondorf feels bad and surprises him with breakfast in bed. (this one is just gay)

Daddy Issues:

Ganondorf inquires about Link’s family, Link reveals that he never had a father and was raised by his grandmother. Link is surprised to find out they both have that in common.

The Boat Pt. 2:

King of Redlions stressing to Jabun that he thinks he may have discovered the Hero Reborn who has since been captured by the Demon King himself. Also tries to explain that…maybe it’s okay actually.

Cutaway to Ganondorf and Link playing a drinking game?

Aryll’s Visit:

It’s Link’s birthday this time, and Helmaroc King has a surprise planned for Link on Aryll’s behalf.

She reprimands him for still not changing his outfit.

Queen of Pirates:

Following rumours of a sunken kingdom, a mysterious Pirate Queen finds herself lost in Hyrule. Link scrambles to get her to leave, but she threatens to return and rob him and his ghostly king blind.

Minitime:

Link doing some introspection, discussing w/ Miniblin that, even though he’s evil…Maybe Ganondorf isn’t all that bad?

General Malaise:

Ganondorf has locked himself in his room for far too long, Link busts in to give him a heavy hitting pep talk.

Poetry Night:

It’s poetry night in the Tower, and everyone has something to share. Link prepares something that leaves Ganondorf legitimately moved.

Blinded with Science:

Ganondorf tries some new spells out to see if he can relieve Link of his triforce…prematurely. It does not work.

Accidentally Holding Out For A Hero:

Link follows Ganondorf to his hideout again to find the place besieged by the Pirate Queen’s crew. Link accidentally does something heroic to keep Ganondorf from harm and Tetra out of his grasp.

Streetwise Hercules:

Ganondorf finds himself in emotional turmoil after Link’s show of heroism, the urge to utterly crush him returns. Ganondorf is in an oddly optimistic mood. 

Tennis Practice:

Link is in his weekly training w/ Phantom Ganon, Link has a lot on his mind. He questions his attractions to his captor while beating Phantom Ganon effortlessly.

Adventure of Miniblin:

Caught unaware, Ganondorf vents his emotions over Link to Miniblin. Miniblin is later found by Link who does the exact same thing. Miniblin is not capable of common speech, and is sick of the lack of communication between Link and Ganondorf.

The Duel: 

Ganondorf approaches Link and passes him a note that says: “Do you wanna spar? Y/N”

The Duel Pt.2:

Link and Ganondorf find themselves evenly matched, both exhausted from age and lack of physical activity. Link convinces Ganondorf to join him in his weekly training sessions w/ Phantom Ganon.

The Duel Pt. 3:

Ganondorf joins tennis and finds the activity to be actually kind of fun and quite the workout. Admits he might not have given Phantom Ganon enough credit and offers him an additional day off from his duty.

The Outfit:

Aryll sends Link a new outfit, Ganondorf finds it to be too titillating and begs Link to change back.

The Nightmare:

Ganondorf is plagued with bad dreams and has difficulty falling asleep, Link offers him a homemade remedy, Grandma certified. (It’s 1:5 warm milk and rum)

The Boat Pt.3:

King of Redlions approaches Tetra, he has devised a plan to “rescue” Link from the demon king but he needs her help.

Miniblin Musing:

Link, playing with miniblin, asks Ganon where these things come from anyway. “I am not explaining the Dark World to you right now.”

Namesake:

Link has to explain that “Link” is just a really common hylian name. Some famous dead guy or something.

[faunabel]

anyway. vulnerable hours with faun again!! have fun being my public journal. below cut cause i ramble for a while but its not a vent really i'm just thinking thoughts that have been stuck in my brains. i hope maybe people who relate may read this and gain some insight from it.

so. a thing i've been healing from lately is my relationships with others. i'd always end up getting close to people who gave very little in return. and i'm very giving if u couldn't tell so i'd start to feel so drained and unloved. but i was naive, and i thought people saying they loved you meant it was true. and i've never been properly loved, so i had nothing healthy to base it off of.

i thought love was self destruction. i thought if i wasn't content with wearing myself down to nothing, i was selfish and not capable of loving others.

i also thought love was desperation. i thought being needed meant i was loved. so i'd attract people who were desperate, not for me but for the affection i provided, and when they inevitably left once i started to let my walls down (and stopped being this endlessly giving person with no flaws), i thought it meant i was unloveable. that i was the problem and needed to fix myself. so i'd break myself into even smaller pieces, trying to find out what was making me so unloveable so i could eradicate it.

but the reality is that those people never loved me. they loved the idea of me. they loved the void i filled in their hearts. but it was never me. never once an interest in who i was and what i stood for. it's the kind of thing where you feel like a god, and god's are worshipped, not loved. gods are given offerings for what they can provide, then cursed once those offerings are proven to be in vain.

i think having developed feelings for someone as i have now has helped me see this. because i'm so so fond of them. everything about them. the words they use. the way they speak. how they respond to things. the things they like and dislike. how they view the world through the lens of their own upbringing.

i just want to know everything. understand them better. and i think that's what love is. i've always thought and hoped and prayed that's what love is, but this has confirmed it for me. love is not what you can get out of someone. love is seeing someone for who they are, not who they Could Be, and wanting to celebrate that. they don't have to do anything for me to adore them.

and that's all i want for myself, too. i want to love and be loved. i want someone to care about me and the things i care about. to comfort me. to think fondly of me. to like my name and my favorite song and favorite color just because i like them. to, for once, not be the one who's taking care of everyone else and receiving nothing in return.

it's still hard to fully accept. i feel selfish. i fear being abandoned if i have nothing to offer, so i feel guilty for wanting to be loved back. like i'm contradicting my own desire and therefore don't deserve it. i've mostly processed this area, and i handle it much better than i used to, but it's still a sore subject.

i'm also trying to learn how to stop shutting down when people give me what i want. someone shows me affection and i just panic. my worry is when, when will it stop? what are their limits? when will they let me down like everyone else? and i frankly dont feel deserving of it. it forces me to look at the years of trauma and abuse i endured. if someone loves me, that contradicts everything i've been taught up until now. with my mother in particular, she'd claim she loves me then abuse me. she'd claim it as she was abusing me. i have to go against all of my instincts to run away and just... relax.

yet part of me wants to run away to see how much they really love me. do they mean it? or is it a false claim like it's always been? a small part of me has given up on love entirely. it's convinced we'll never actually be loved and should just accept a life of giving without receiving. i think that part is a small and very tired child who never got to be a child. after all, how can a child be a child when the world around them is chaos?

i still question my ability to be loved. but i'm trying very hard. there's nothing i want more than to love and be loved. and maybe it's ok for me to want to be loved. maybe it's ok for me to assert myself and not always cater to everyone else. it's something that has occured to me recently... how i read others' needs so easily and rush to fulfill them by instinct. but i don't have to do that? i can actually figure out a way to get both our needs met, and that's not selfish of me. there can be silence in the air. i don't have to be providing 24/7 just because i Can. and if someone really loves me... they'd want to compromise. they'd want to make me happy and accomodate. they'd go out of their way to please me, too. they'd want to give and not just receive. i wouldn't have to sit like a dog at the end of the dinner table waiting for scraps to drop.

but it's still weird. i can't imagine someone thinking of me fondly. caring about how i feel. taking interest in things i like. thinking of me when i'm not around. doing things for me out of love and not because they Want something from me. remembering details about me. accomodating for my needs. caring about my opinions. wanting to understand me and my world. wanting to be around me. especially when i'm sad or mad or anything not cheerful. not providing.

but it is something i want. and also... if someone loves me, it'd be doing them a disservice to keep them from loving me. even if that sounds insane to me. self absorbed, even. but then i also think about the person i have feelings for, and how i genuinely was crying one night because i wanted to show them affection but felt like i wasn't allowed to or supposed to. and it's like oh. it hurt me to not be able to love them so maybe there's something to this after all. maybe love is real. maybe even for me.

[longeyelashedtragedy]

d, k, r

D: What’s the most personal fanfic you’ve written?

Ohhh...hmmmm. I'd say my two multichapter AUs, and then dumb kids in their forties (SORRY TO KEEP BRINGING THIS ONE UP lol)

The multichapters (Mare Liberum and Dangerous) depict how I feel/felt about myself, my trauma, and as someone who has trauma that has colored their entire life.

Mare Liberum--written mostly a long time ago and conceived of pre-covid, even, is a version of myself that I feel rarely exists anymore. I love this fic and the universe so much, and wish I was updating it, but not only did it lose all but 1 person of its audience, I also wonder if I can't access that part of me anymore. That fic is just about someone bitter and angry at himself, at how the world treats and perceives him, at the wrongs done to him by others and by himself for who he is, and the fic's message (including the "love story" part) is--If you're born wrong, you're not gonna get a happy ending.

Dangerous is about the different ways people can become fucked up adults. Mikel's story, as I've said a few times, is a really twisted and exaggerated version of my own, and when we eventually get to the Christmas Chapter where Granit visits Mikel's parents for the holiday, this will be the first time I've ever ever given people a glimpse at how my lifelong mental health problems have informed my relationship with my own family. I...really don't like to talk about this topic, including in therapy, I think for Cultural Reasons, but because I understand Mikel's life so vividly, part of that is the family part. However--without giving away the ending, Dangerous I started coming up with in like, idk early 2022? And we were well into 2022 when I came up with the ending. The message of this fic, which could be perverse to some I guess, is "fucked up people deserve love too!" Obviously I'm not fucked up like Xhakarteta are in this but...what a lovely change of message ❤️

And then dumb kids in their forties...I didn't intend for the fic to be like this, but really, Jamie's thought process in this kind of depicts me in my absolute worst moments. Again, a bit exaggerated and what not, but like I was talking about the other day, the toxic inferiority. Idk if that's even a real concept, but I don't see it depicted to this intensity, and my own inferiority issues have done a shit-ton of damage in my adult life. It's something I work on a lot, and it felt self indulgent in a fun way to put Jamie through that.

There's a little bit of me in "Visited Upon the Sons" too--mostly, my frustration with compulsory heterosexuality and how it dominates conversations no matter where you go. But weirdly, writing that and discovering this through the fic, made me feel less frustrated about it in real life. Writing as Therapy!

Wow that was absolutely too long, I truly cannot shut the fuck up lol.

K:  Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)?

Lately I've been enjoying reading and writing a little Wag Fic 🫢 it feels so taboo! I also like things that are kind of gratuitously exploitative, but with a caveat: it needs to be a little tongue in cheek, like I can tell the author is making a conscious choice. (I think Dangerous is kind of like that, or at least I hope so lol)

R: Which writers (fanfic or otherwise) do you consider the biggest influence on you and your writing?

Julio Cortázar, and to a lesser extent Carlos Fuentes and Gabriel García Márquez. Yesss my academic specialty was latin american boom and postboom lol. 11/10 recommend! For fic writers, legit you all are so good I'd rather attempt copying these big name authors than to even try to be like you!

[bibisbooktalk]

Book Review: Sinner by Sierra Simone

I read Sinner last month and I've been pushing back the review since then. But here it is! I will try not to spoil anything from the book for those interested in reading it.

Title: Sinner (book 2 in the Priest series)

Year of publication: 2018

Reading time-line: December 28, 2023 to January 6, 2024

Trigger Warnings: Loss, suicide, religious trauma, sexual trauma, death, illness

Content: large age gap between characters (they are both adults), explicit sex, religion (Catholicism), cursing

Age rating: Adult

Spice level: 🌶🌶🌶🌶.5/5 

Review:

I was skeptical about this book at first. I found the audio book on Spotify first back in November 2023. I listened to the first few chapters, and instantly knew I had to get the book. I felt identified with the story for numerous reasons, most of them personal, so I won't delve too much into the why's. However, I will say, as someone having a hard time with religion, this book, ironically, made me analyze myself in many ways. Sean's spiritual battle through the book was beautifully written, and it was truly wonderful to see him grow as a person, not necessarily in a religious sense, but in the sense that everything led him to change for the better.

Sean's character is interesting, I liked that the story was told from his point of view, since I'm not used to reading books in men's POV. I loved how in love he was with Zenny the whole time, and he never denied it. It was refreshing to have a character fully and happily acknowledge his feelings and not be like "Oh no, I can't feel this way cus this and that". (I would write "SIMP" every time he said or thought anything romantic or sweet about Zenny. That man was respectful, sweet, dedicated, caring, hardworking, protective, the definition of husband material. I swear if Zenny told him "let's run away together" that man would have disappeared with her in a heart beat. He was head over heels and it was so freaking cute.)

I was able to form an emotional connection to Zenny and Sean, so I think in the sense of goals, description, backstory, interactions, and personality, both characters were well written. Both of their developments were great, and their relationship felt natural. They had wonderful chemistry from the moment they met, and I enjoyed their dynamic.

I think Sierra Simone handled the topics/themes presented in the story very well. I couldn't stop crying for like 3 hours by the end. The plot really resonated with me, and bet it will resonate with many others. The themes have the potential to be relatable, and definitely a reminder to readers that they are not alone in their struggles.

This book, like smut readers call it, is p0rn with a plot. The story really makes you think a lot, it is our of people's comfort zone since it does deal with many difficult, maybe even controversial, topics.

This book wasn't 100% perfect. I did think some things were odd like the fact that Sean is way older than Zenny (like girly is a college student in her early 20's while he is in his late 30's and a businessman). The fact that he was always hard, like why are these men always horny? Like Zenny would breathe, and my man was already ready to jump her bones. Like chill babes...  I would have also liked to know a bit more about Zenny, mostly her point of view and thought process. There's other things, but they are spoilers, and most of them are just personal preferences rather than criticism.

Overall, I think I really needed to read this book. I'm glad I found it before Priest (that will be for another review...). It was good, it was definitely a new genre of tropes for me, and my first ever erotica. It's a relatively short (?) book (it took me a while because I ✨️procrastinate✨️) if you're looking for a quick read. I definitely recommend it.

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5/5

Note: One day my reviews will improve 💀

[georgieluz]

i'm 3 days late but i'm finally answering @lamialamia

so my overall thoughts of the pacific are that i really enjoyed it (is enjoyed the right word? can you really enjoy the significant trauma of watching episodes 4-7 back to back and losing your three favourite characters all in one go? i don't think you can) but i did love a lot of things about it! the cinematography and production was outstanding. i knew it would be, but the way they shot the whole show was really something special! those battle scenes being shot like a very well made horror flick really did something to me. one thing i really wish we got more of was time with the men. i feel like we didn't get deep enough into their characters and personalities, outside of the main three ofc, especially after being told a lot more about certain men and what they were really like outside of how the show portrayed them (eddie jones and his guitar deserved better!!!!!)

but despite that, i still became hopelessly attached to a good few of them. stupidly, ack ack became the love of my life and now i'm probably ruined for life, so that's nice. thanks for that, life. i actually adore eddie jones and obviously, as we all know, i'm way past feral for hoosier over there. i think when i rewatch the show, i'll gain a lot more appreciation for other characters too (though i do already love most of them). i really liked the inclusion of lena's story, she became one of my favourite characters at the end. i was less into leckie's mostly fake love story but i understand they did it for narrative purposes and to sort of give his actions when he was acting up a trigger point.

my favourite thing from the series was definitely ack ack. and eddie. i don't know what it is about those two but they just awoke something in me and now i can't let go. i desperately needed more scenes of them but every ack ack scene gave me something electric so he's probably my favourite thing about the series. i also really liked how close leckie's unit was, they didn't have a thousand scenes or anything massive, but there was something incredibly comforting about the lightheartedness they gave each other that covered the traumatic experience they were all going through. i truly believe those dear vera letters and leckie reading them to his boys were a tool for them all to process what they were seeing but in a way where it could still be passive and not too heavy. i would have liked to have seen more scenes of them all, maybe in place of some of the melbourne romance stuff, but i get why it was the way it was. i appreciated that the show didn't shy away from the absolute horrors of war and even though it only covered things briefly most of the time, it definitely hit a lot of the different nuances involved and i think it did it in a subtle enough way that it actually settles into your brain permanently.

most trauma? i think we all know the answer to that since i've been crying about it since my episode 7 liveblog. honestly, i'm just pretending that episode 7 never happened and all is fine in the world. but i also think that watching eugene's arc killed a part of me inside, it kinda broke me watching him go from this innocent kid who was desperate to serve to being utterly disenchanted and disillusioned with his purpose and everything he thought he knew and believed. his story kinda cracked open my heart in a way i wasn't ready for.

sunshine and happiness.. ack ack being the most wholesome captain ever and basically just taking up residence in my heart. but also i really enjoyed gene and sidney's friendship, they didn't really have many scenes together but it made me happy that despite them never being able to see the world the same again after everything they went through, they both made it home and they had each other. also, i don't even know why, but burgie became one of my favourite characters so that part where he hugged his dad and his brother after getting off the train made me fucking sob with relief. i don't know why but it hit me real hard and i know that's not exactly sunshine and happiness but he made it home and he married his australian sweetheart and he was my favourite in the interview sections and so i just felt this overwhelming amount of relief and happiness for him.

we don't talk about the ass flash

[dissociativediscourse]

Hello! I made a post reaching out to the plural community for help, and somebody recommended me your blog so, here I am!

Lately I've been considering the possibility that I might be an OSDD system, but I'm not really sure given the fact that I have convinced myself in the past that I had some sort of disorder, when in reality I didn't.

I guess my question is... How can you tell? How do you come to the conclusion that you might be part of a system? How can I tell if I'm sabotaging myself? I'm so confused.

I'll link the post down bellow, you don't have to read it if you don't want to, that's completely okay! I just thought it might help given the fact that I list most of my symptoms in there.

Thank you, have a nice day!

https://www.tumblr.com/just-an-anxious-little-mess/714800517560385536/plural-community-i-need-your-help?source=share

Hey, there! I’m more than honored that I’m being recommended for advice, and I’m happy to help!

So, first and foremost: I can’t diagnose you. And neither can anyone else on Tumblr— or anyone that isn’t a licensed professional who specializes in complex dissociative disorders. That doesn’t mean that we can’t help! It just means that you should really take anything you read (anything that’s not professional advice from a specialist, I mean) with a grain or two of salt.

Also, even with a list of symptoms, there’s still so much more that goes into it. Presentation, when and why these things happen, little details that you may not even notice yourself. Things that you’d have to know someone in real life to truly see and know for sure.

Finally, my case is a little difficult to use as a comparison for situations like these; I was diagnosed when I was a mid-teenager, and had no idea what DID even was. It was a bomb dropped on me. I’ve told the story here a million times, but… It wasn’t a case of self-diagnosis. So… Be warned that my experience with self diagnosis of DID is very limited and mostly in relation to those around me.

With all of that out of the way, let’s get started. I can’t tell you whether or not you have DID/OSDD, but I can give you some helpful pointers that may help.

If you’re questioning these things, one of the best things that you can do is look for a therapist. I have a tag (#therapy advice tag) that is featured on my blog that may help you— if it’s not enough, feel free to message me, because I’m more than happy to offer some pointers depending on your situation. It is imperative that you find someone that actually knows how to treat DID and isn’t just a cocky EMDR therapist or a newbie trauma specialist that’s fresh out of their residency and thinks they know everything. This sounds daunting, and it is an involved process. But it is very possible in many cases!

A good thing to keep in mind is that whether or not you have OSDD/DID, you want help/treatment that works for *you*. Many people think that they just need to self diagnose or get a diagnosis and then… It’s healing time!! Well… That’s not really how it works. Diagnosis is a tool that will probably only matter to your insurance— and the great news is that if someone is qualified to treat you for your dissociative disorder, they’ll put that f44.81 right on your bill! Mental health diagnosis isn’t like it is with medical doctors. It… Honestly doesn’t matter that much as long as your treatment is working.

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t care whether or not you have this disorder. It’s just that the more energy you spend worrying about it, the less energy you’ll have to actually cope with it and get help. And that’s not good!

All this to say that a good goal to set for yourself isn’t “figure out if I have DID/OSDD ASAP and get that hashtag systemlife going!” (Which, I know that isn’t your goal. But that was a fun little sentence, wasn’t it?) — A great goal, though, would be to listen to your mind and your body and begin to work on stabilizing yourself and finding your ability to ground. To extend some feelers and figure out what you need to heal from your traumas. Because while right now it may be scary and confusing, you’re never going to do yourself any harm by grounding and finding your center and learning how to stabilize. You could be experiencing a complex dissociative disorder, and this could be that hard and heavy denial spiral. We’ve all been there. It sucks. You could also be confused… But that’s not bad.

Please remember that whether you have DID/OSDD or not is really and truly of very little importance compared to figuring out how to heal and be present and navigate your life in a way that allows you to live and enjoy living in the present. One mistake that I see very frequently is people ascribing far too much value and importance to whether or not they’re systems rather than whether or not they’re okay.

I know that I’ve gone on tangent after tangent and you’ll have to forgive me— It has been a little bit of a long day. I guess that all of this is to say that worrying about whether you’re correct about your diagnosis isn’t ever going to be helpful for you. Getting help for it is, though. Reach out. Find resources, find a professional, read books on trauma and dissociation. If the help you find doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t. Then it’s time to move on and try a different method! Don’t be discouraged if this happens, as it likely will at some point. It happens to most of us! And it will be okay.

Let me know/know that my DMs/Askbox are always open if you need more specifics or help with the therapy search. ❤️ Please be safe, and have a wonderful night.

[7ndipity]

Hiiii! Happy new year love! 💞 I hope your shipping game isn't over. So let me introduce myself. 🫶🏻

Sun - taurus

Moon - Pisces

Rising - Sagittarius

I tend to be very introverted, however if I meet someone who's also very introverted, I kind of take the lead and become very extroverted, especially in situations where someone has to take action about a certain thing.

I like to think I'm open-minded, trying to understand everyone's perspective no matter what. I only respect and appreciate people who respect me too!

I overthink a lot and I get pretty self-conscious about myself. Im also very stubborn. I wouldn't say I'm very ambitious considering that I get demoralized easily and I need someone to support me especially emotionally. As much as I try to keep calm, I lose my temper very easily, but I'll quickly get over it if I get a few minutes to spend alone and really process the situation. I get overwhelmed a lot and I'm in constant stress. I have severe trust and abandonment issues.

English is not my first language and I'm a polyglot. I speak my mother language (I don't want to say what language it is), English, French, German, mandarin, Italian, basic Latin (I had to learn it in school 😔) and I'm currently learning Korean. My major at uni is history and I'm living in the balkans. (Maybe the last part wasn't necessary 💀)

I love history and foreign languages and cultures, I also love writing, drawing, fashion and reading!

Since I was 14, I do many fashion sketches.

My love languages (that I like to give to my s/o) is drawing them, physical affection and words of affirmation.

I also would love to receive praise and physical affection but if my s/o isn't okay with that then it's alright. I can live without it as I've been doing until now.

I like to read non-fiction, history, thriller and fiction literature and you can ask me anything about history and I will tell everything you like I'm some voice narrator on a documentary 😭

I watch mostly just documentaries and thriller dramas.

So as I've said at first, I'm introverted, but if I'm comfortable I quickly am very loud and social, however my social battery dies fast so I will at some point become suddenly silent. I also have adhd and anxiety. I used to suffer from depression since I was a little kid. I've got plenty trauma 😊 and I'm very scared of the dark and insects, like spiders for example.

I don't like dancing and singing, mainly because I'm bad at those 💀 and I also don't like painting.

Usually I'm the therapist friend and I never share anything about my personal life to my friends, I keep my problems to myself.

I love cats and skincare and I listen to music constantly ever since I was a baby.

I'm not very fond of petnames that couples use. However if someone calls me "love" or "darling" I will simply die

I can get quite possessive and jealous, but I don't usually show that to my partner or do anything about it at all. Mostly because I know it's a toxic trait so I keep it to myself as I don't want to potentially hurt or make my s/o feel bad.

I'm very loyal and loving. When people yell, don't let me speak or interrupt me while I'm speaking I get either very pissed or i simply just cry 🫠 I can get very triggered when someone yells at me

When I'm hurt, affected or upset about something that someone did to me, I will isolate myself and not tell them what's wrong until it's too late.

I dont like people telling me what to do.

I'm sorry if this was very chaotic written and not organized at all, I just wrote whatever came to my mind about myself (watch me forget to mention some important details about myself 🤦🏻‍♀️) but yeah, basically this is me. 🫶🏻

I would ship you with Yoongi and Hobi!

You and Yoongi have super similar personalities imo, so I feel like you would understand each other really well! Like even the way you described sounding like a docu narrator reminded me of how Army joke that Yoongi’s a walking encyclopedia on so many topics!😭(also Pisces are really great matches for earth signs like Taurus)

Yoongi and Hobi both have very supportive, reassuring energies, and tend to be the therapist friends as well, so I think they would be good at helping you open up and making you feel safe. I also feel like they would lowkey be a bit protective over you.🥺

I also kinda feel that you and Hobi would be a pretty good match! You have several similarities, and he also has this ability of bringing out the best in people and making them feel really comfortable, so I feel like he would be your ultimate hype man!😊

Hope this was okay💜

[hellbubu]

💘, 💫, 🌻, and 🍉, if you could please?

Thanks for the ask!!!!

I'm sorry if I got a bit too personal in some answers.

[ask game]

💘Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

I recently rewrote this fic (rewritten ver here) and it was kinda fun but I also realized that I suck at planning fics/making them cohesive.

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

I like all/any comments. I can even poke fun at hate comments. I love getting comments in all/many chapters as I'm, writing. I love seeing the reactions and what readers think will happen. It happened mostly while I was writing The Snake Family. During that fic, I had a boom of time and creativity and loved engaging with my readers, and posted updates often.

🌻what makes you want to give up on writing? what makes you keep going?

Many things. IRL stuff mostly but also a lack of engagement from readers. I know it makes me sound kinda selfish, I mean, I am not entitled to comments. Getting the ao3 emails about kudos or comments (not just of my fic but also authors' replies to comments I've left on their fics) tends to be a (if not the) highlight of my day, so not getting any makes me kinda not want to write anymore. Lately, I've been trying to write more for myself, but that also means that I might not post as often. Funnily, The Snake Family was a fic I wrote mostly for me and it's my fic with the most engagement.

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

I guess it can help me vent or get some feelings out. I'm terrible at expressing how I actually feel to my loved ones, I tend to keep things to myself. I know it's not healthy, but I suck at communicating. When I'm feeling sad or just a bit down, I tend to write or read (I mostly read). That's where some of my angstier fics came from.

[aj-theteenagecondition]

the teenage condition-chapter 1

(none of this is proof-read, read or do not idc)

ive got this nervous feeling about starting something new. i haven't felt really anomymous and simultaneosly been interacting online in forever, not since i was too young to reasonably be a functioning part or a contributer to the internet. before i was old enough to have my own accounts with my own name and age and personality, i still snooped and lurked around the web, but i wouldn't dare post something. i felt guilty, afraid, that oh god oh no, someone (my mom probably) would find that i watched unreasonable amounts of youtube when i said i was asleep, or read copious amounts fanfiction for a fandom mostly written about by 12 year olds and therefore, was quite shit. but im just writing, because my brain feels like it has to, and writing on paper can get a bit slow, and im terrible at keeping a good accurate journal (for fear that someone i know will read it and finally see me or understand something critical and embarrasing about me). i was going to start an angsty teen journal in a black moleskin notebook, but i felt guilty that i had too many notebooks i gave up on halfway through.

its raining like the worlds ending where i live, which is to be expected in january. i hate winter. i understand that people love the snow and rain and wearing their earmuffs and cute outfits, and ice skating, and skiing and snowboarding, etc etc. but my room is cold and my feet are cold and my hands are cold and my school is flooding and waking up in the dark makes me want to die. im not really looking forward to getting life back on a schedule and going back to school. i go to a good school, i have plenty of friends, ive never fallen too behind. things are fine. but also: things are suffocating. so many people who i've known for literally my entire life. and my same friends talking about surface level topics. sometimes i wonder if we really know eachother at all. and other times i love them so much that everyone around us pales in comparison. lately (for the last year) i've felt like i need a closer friendship, i need an outlet, i need a confidant, and even though i have known them for like 10 years, i don't feel like i've ever had that. i dont think i've ever had that with anyone at all. probably a bit of me problem.

i was on a long trip with my family over winter break and started having quite bad anxiety. to get through it, of course a good distraction would do me some good. and what better distraction than reading one of the most famous fanfics that the internet seems to have been absolutely raving about: All The Young Dudes. i finished it this morning. ok actually this afternoon. mostly what i would like to say is: fucking ouch guys. i didnt actually have that much of an interest in the fandom (definetly not planning on reading anything else about it or interacting or writing), to be honest i wanted to see what all the fuss was about. now that i've actually read it all those "anything for our moony" audios on tiktok from like over a year or two ago really pack a punch. my thoughts: the beginning was very slow, but that definetley made the rest of it more impactful; sirius and remus's relationship is actually pretty toxic, but it was delightful to read; i struggled to get through any chapter after they left school, i predicted that it was going to hurt and boy howdy did it. i get it a little but also so much of it was so sad and so much of it was all unprocessed trauma and unresolved conversation and arguments, which sort of pissed me off.

not to say that it wasnt beautiful and also helpful. things i was reminded about myself through reading atyd: my friends dont know to much about like the vulnerable parts of me but its probably because I AM bad at communicating and being open; i do not like unresolved convos and arguments (my parents fight fr); i am probs trans, and have accepted that but not really bc if i had i would have processed it and actually made a move in some direction after mentally having proposed this idea to myself like 3 years ago with the irrisputable evidence of feeling gay for men; i avoid dealing with my problems; and of course i really love a story about buddies being pals.

also i cried a lot reading it