#this is so dumb i actually do want them 2 interact for real so ill probs answer this again for Real but the idea came 2 me and i dgjkfshldf

[esperhood]

@heartinhands : “  i can tell something’s bothering you.  ” ( idk junpei for yuuhime thats the not 999 one right )

She looks at him blankly for a long moment. Then, "I've been told I have a 'resting sad wet cat face.' I just look like this."

[daaziscoolbesties]

minecraft endermen are really weird. theyre unnatural and make me feel off.

when i was a small child like seven years ago i would always play minecraft on creative mode and i made an ugly ass enderman "farm" made out of bricks. i had an enderman spawn egg and id just spam it and the enderman couldnt get out (so i thought). anyways having them in this enclosure was probably so i could feel "powerful" over them because to date theyre still the only mob in minecraft that makes me anxious. even above skeletons(which i used to have a horrible fear of (the real life ones not mc ones)) and spiders (which i still have a horrible fear of (again the real life ones not mc)). anyways the endermen just ended up completely teleporting out of the farm and i checked on my world the next day and they were all gone and i didnt appreciate it (this was the same world where my brother blew up my pets but thats a different story).

anyways back to endermen. besides the fact that i just didnt like dying and i did like building ugly structures, one of the main reasons i didnt play survival much for a while, or if i did id put it on peaceful, was because of the enderman. every time i passed one my heart would drop and if i happened to look it in the eye on accident my throat would feel like its closing up and idk why. if it sounds like im bullshitting you or not remembering correctly i swear im not because it still happens actually.

i play survival a ton more now simply because i enjoy it more, it feels like theres actually a goal to achieve, but i never really make efforts toward said goal(ya know, beating the dragon). none of my worlds are really created with the intention of beating the dragon, and therefore i dont have to worry about endermen. if i happen to be outside my house and theres one there, no worries i just wait for it to go away. it may spook me for a sec but im fine.

but recently me and my sister started a world with the sole purpose of beating the dragon. we may have cheated a little (like putting on keep inventory cause honestly we both suck at pvp and have died so many times) but its okay cause thats it. we still have to fight endermen to get pearls for the end portal. and so we were hanging out in the nether and made a little two block tall hidey hole and id stand by the front and taunt endermen to get them to come close so i could kill them without them being able to get to me and it worked really well actually. except for the fact that to get them to come near i had to get them to aggro onto me and to do that i have to look them in the eye and you know where this is going. and so i was like "it has been so long since i looked an enderman in the eye surely i cant still be scared of them" and i turn to my sister like "<sister> you stay in the hole ill get us some pearls"

so i go out and taunt the dudes and guess what bitch got the pit in their stomach from these fuckers!! thats right bestie and my throat started to close up and i started talking to my sister again but i could tell me voice was off from it and i dont know why it happens but it pisses me off. like theyre not even scary looking theyre just a bit odd. and i continue to do this and kill the endermen and it just. doesnt. stop. my throat keeps closing up and im not "in pain" or anything just inconvenienced like what the fuck dude its a bunch of fucking pixels. i dont know its weird.

and now this part is gonna sound super fuckin stupid but ever since i started watching dsmp i immediately got attached to ranboo (cc! and c!) and knowing that c!ranboo was half enderman made me really think "hm endermen arent that bad. granted i havent interacted with one in a while but still not that bad. perhaps my favorite hostile mob" because you know people get attached to characters and think dumb things. and then again ranboo's character straight up existing and also this one specific headcanon i saw that was like "endermen use telepathy to talk so when a player looks at them all their thoughts get projected into them and it hurts their brain :((" makes me feel kinda bad for aggro-ing them and killing them again even though its literally just some pixels dude. my brain is not kind to me about this stuff and its really dumb.

i dont know what about the endermen staring back at me sets off the sort of fight-or-flight that makes me unable to breathe for a second but its something. its not the fact that their jaws basically unhinge when theyre mad because the throat closing up sensation happens before that. it happens when i look at an enderman and it looks back up at me and holds my gaze. i dont know. i dont know why im worked up(even slightly) over a video game. theyre still my favorite hostile mob i think (not just because of ranboo honestly the other hostile mobs just kinda suck).

and also i like the idea of how humanoid they are. not human. humanoid. they have the basic aspects of a minecraft human- square, head, torso, legs, arms, eyes. most mc skins dont even have mouths anyways just eyes. but the endermen have these features differently than us. their eyes are unnatural, legs and arms too long, body all one color, one that can blend in, and you can only see its purple eyes staring you down from a distance. theyre basically just cryptids.

despite skeletons and even zombies looking closer to the player than the endermen, they still seem the most human-like of all of the mobs. they arent aggressive unless provoked. they dont like eye contact(socially awkward). they like picking up stuff and moving it around. theyre curious (i cant explain this one they just are, okay?). even the sounds they make are just phrases like "hey" "hello" "whats up" distorted and in reverse.

i want to know more about them.

i want to know where they came from.

why theyre found in every dimension.

why they sound like us.

i want explanations, i want to know why they scare us.

i want to know if they know.

if they know that we're like them in some way.

that some of us dont mean harm, but for others thats all they want to do to the endermen.

i saw a post once that said "what taught humans to be wary of things that look human, but arent?" i believe the phenomenon is called uncanny valley. what if in the minecraft universe, the thing that taught us that was endermen. or rather, the thing that taught the endermen that was us? because again, the endermen pose no threat to us unless theyre provoked. by one of us. the endermen try to communicate with us- "⊑⟒⊬" "⍙⊑⏃⏁⌇ ⎍⌿?"- but we kill them without reason. thats why they dont like eye contact, its been ingrained in them through evolution that eye contact with a human/player will end in death, and they dont want it to be theirs, so they attack first.

we- or rather, the first minecrafters, maybe (in the lore(?)) people before the game, taught the endermen to fear us. i mean we literally kill them, use their remains to enter their home dimension, and then kill their leader/mother. they do their best to stop us, but we can respawn and they cant. and then, some people even go as far as to make farms, having them all spawn in one place, crowded, cant teleport out- their only defense mechanism gone- and then are slaughtered for their pearls. and due to the mass of these farms there will be chests upon chests full of pearls that no one's using, i saw someone the other day ask what people do with them and someone straight up said they just burn them like god what a waste.

"but izzy, players make mob farms all the time and not just for endermen!!!1!!11! why are the endermen ones so bad why are you only talking about those1!1!1!!!1" 1) because i can, 2) this is an endermen-themed post, and 3) i dont like the other mobs. and of course im not actually mad at the players who like beating the game and making endermen farms and such, i mean thats what it is its all just a game just a bunch of code, 0's and 1's, so why does it matter why bother writing a whole post on it?

because when you look paste the game, when you read in between those ones and zeroes and discover this non-intentional lore, it can make things so much more,, interesting. this is fanfic material. hell, its probably fanart material too. its all for the content to see what the community can create i guess. or maybe i just really like talking about endermen and this has been on my mind for two days now and once i started typing i couldnt stop.

but yeah, thats my final thoughts.

we, humans, experience uncanny valley about the endermen.

but the endermen experience uncanny valley about the players.

[bimbosupreme]

mephistopheles love post

the equivalent of a mental breakdown tangent is all going under a read more

yes believe it or not that freaky ass literally not even human clown in fgo gets love, and love from who? me and like 3 other people

first off

ok and with that out of the way,

i’m not even familiar with their lore. Reason why i stopped caring about the lore behind faust and mephistopheles is that an interlude happens that shows that mephistopheles is just some homunculi made by some mage nobody named faust. and even then the interlude doesn’t talk about the lore behind the novel, its just you helping mephy kill faust

that being said though i would hope the developers expand on their origins more and potentially even release a “true” mephistopheles (a girl can dream)

So, they’re not even the real deal demon known as Mephistopheles in the first place, and i can hear u going “well that’s lame” and like, no, we just need to redirect our feelings from appreciating a demon to appreciating a homunculi who has a weird characterization in the fate universe

Design tangent:

Fgo was actually my first gacha, and so when I came across this servant I kinda instantly fell in love with their design, I love the colors used in their final ascension and overall appearance. The hat that has horns but they're not quite horns, theyre these weird colorful pointy twisty things, the large garish butterfly ornament on their chest (which isnt ugly at all and somehow works so well with their everything on them) is cool, the tights are so cool to look at, i mean look -- a checkered pattern with golden lining on the shorts portion, the tits out look like yes we get it youre insane, the gloves??? purple and also cool, plus theyve got this gradient thing going on? and the fingers have this line going through them, thats so cool. actually the only other servant that comes close to this in terms of “out there” colorful designs is probably final ascension kama and qsh ( i love them both). Also, mephy has this scissor weapon?? thats so cool lol i dont see any other servant wielding giant scissors (for the love of god give mephy an animation update i need to see them use the scissors while doing flips) and they also have this bomb obsession going on? cant relate, but the bombs designs are so so cool i mean its a fucking centipede -- no idea if centipedes are a thing in the original faust but thats something Ill have to look up at some point. ALSO mephy is wearing heels oh my god anytime people wear heels is an automatic win. No clue whats going on with the hair but its kinda cute (dont question me on that) and it has curls and the hair colors are cool i mean its like a lavender thing with darker purple highlights? i love colorful things and i love people with wacky personalities so. Oh my god their tail how could i forget that its so cute and dumb i almost forgot it was there, like what is that even a whip? i dont.. but its got these little purple tips to them that are kinda cute/cool but more cool because tails are fucking up there alongside heels in terms of cool stuff on characters. and of course their fluffly cape -- again no idea what the designers were going for i mean look its a mess of a design i have no fucking idea what any of it means and i hope they explain it someday because that hair and the butterfly and the tail and the hat and the fluffy garb and a bomb obsession?? and this got the go ahead - yeah lets add that to the game like what

ALSO LETS TALK ABOUT THEIR EYES

appreciate these with me for a second

god.

oh and the blue lipstick and face paint god thats a cool design ugh

they can be normal too or at least as normal as possible i mean they even trimmed their eyebrow here lol but you can see the not so well hidden insanity/goofiness peaking through with the inside of the suit at the bottom being highlighter purple and a green shirt with gold accents underneath the black coat at the front <3, fuckin hate that hairstyle tho bro we gotta get that middle part hairstyle outta hereeeee--

TAKE A DETOUR AND LOOK AT THIS LINK THOUGH THIS IS THE MOST NORMAL AND BEST IVE SEEN THEM IN FANART. THE POTENTIAL IS THERE. WE CAN HAVE NICE THINGS AND THEY LOOK GREAT ITS POSSIBLE. I HAVE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE FROM THAT DRAWING.

anyways this is me going off all about why i like their design! but we haven’t even touched the nitty gritty of it all. their personality! what personality you may ask? havent they always been some weirdo laughing a lot and saying dumb shit all the time? well yes and no

Characterization:

True to their dumb little clown design mephy also acts like one.

Some servants bond 1 lines are like “fuck off” and some actually talk to you, nah this bastard mephistopheles’ just laughing. and for the second bond line it seems to imply theyre fuckin with you more (showing up and dissapearing and saying ‘afterimage’) so thats nice that theyre actually making some effort to mess with you in a way? some servants take a long time to actually interact with you so this shows theyre not afraid of interacting with you and thats just at bond 2. and of course the third bond line implies they were probably trying to betray you, its stated in more than 1 place that mephistopheles (actually isnt this a caster class thing?) will betray you or attempt to do so. So the third bond line seems to imply that their attempts have been stopped by you and that’s what they say after some failed attempts. So after stopping this freak from doing some shit their next bond line is actually doing a confession! a jester being honest who couldve seen that one coming but theyre 100% not lying, they really arent a demon but a homunculi made by faust

speaking of faust we’re going to backtrack a little into their interlude that i brought up at the start of this post, its one of those dream interludes and it starts with mephy asking you to help him plant bombs for their eventual reuinion/showdown with faust -- in the meantime faust keeps sending golems in an attempt to kill both you and mephy

When you track faust down, it’s shown that faust was your typical mage, inhumane and uncaring. It’s also pointed out that this faust killed innocents, but this typical mage behavior is boring to mephy, and they say that boring typical behavior is why they wanted to kill them

 so i really cant blame mephistopheles for being the way they are, being raised by this type of guy, even if mephy was always messed up and wacky from the beginning its no reason for faust to attempt to kill him.

Mephistopheles also shows up in salem, cu alter’s interlude, and of course the knk crossover event, and some other things im most likely forgetting but those 3 are ones that i find notable

anytime they show up theyre actually helpful, in salem mephy points out that the nature of the being responsible for the salem epic of remnant is something alien rather than a typical foreign god, mephy also tells you that time is also being sped up and in their weird way they try to cheer you up by spouting some nonsense at the beginning (guda needed some kind of distraction from the grim events that had just transpired at that point in the story), i cant quite remember what mephy did in the knk event but they were a part of your group and were helpful the whole time, actually @/zeravmeta does an amazing analysis of their role in the knk event as well as some extra character analysis here

mephistopheles is kinda cryptic in a weird way though,

like overall i mean theyre a jester homunculi in appearance so yeah its to be expected but come on i love morally gray characters, despite their supposed betrayal hints scattered around here and there

they have this one line that always gets to me

and this line is said with a completely serious face too

the rare serious mephistopheles face! its kinda grim to see that line, no laughs, no nothing, their voice is kinda serious and monotone too. of course this could be just to get you to lower your guard but its still kinda out there that they have this rarely used portrait and that line, so i like to take it as being said to you when youre by yourself and with sincerity

and at least sei (with her wacky outfit and all lol) seems to get along with mephy and thinks theyre nice woohoo

so at the end of the day you have this guy that laughs a lot and gives mixed signals

and they fuck with you

and will most likely try to kill you more than once but hey thats just another tuesday at chaldea

Before I finish last thing I want to point out is this snippet from the fgo source material book which provides more information on servants, and this specific translated bit under mephistopheles

at the core of it all this homunculi....can be your friend! you just need to not go into despair i guess

of course this entire post is an overanalysis into an underwritten character, quarantine + all online college classes have done this to me, i have a douman icon what did you expect

OH...BEFORE I REALLY SIGN OFF AND FINISH THE POST HEY CLOWN LOVERS CHECK OUT THESE FANARTS AND FANARTISTS...

THE FIRST ONE IS HASENDOW YES THE DOUMAN DESIGNER... <3

i cant believe they drew mephy

twice !

and for those of you on twitter check out @cuz_pb and @L0VEYAMA003

[cottage-babe]

Bolin x pro-bender!Reader

Masterlist

here... take this bolin headcannon... just take it

i feel like there’s not nearly enough bolin stuff and since i’m almost finished w LOK, i guess ill aid this deficiency :)

also, i just started Book 3, so if theres some things that aren’t right or something, ignore it 

___

Bolin HC (during Book 1/Book 2)

so you guys met at (you guessed it) a pro-bending match

you were an Earthbender for the Ba Sing Se Badgermoles, a widely known team because you guys represented such a big city and you guys were actually kinda good

the Badgermoles were constantly interviewed, put on the covers of magazines, and bombarded by fans. The people loved you and your team

and so the day came where the Badgermoles were put up against the Fire Ferrets

you had heard about this team a lot; how they lost a member of the team, then the Avatar, actual master of the elements, filled in that empty space

it honestly took you so long to process

anyways, your team didn’t get the chance to meet the Fire Ferrets before the match; you just threw on all of your gear and made your way to the play area

you saw the Ferrets and instantly saw Avatar Korra, the only girl on the team

honestly, you couldnt see her well, but she was so pretty

anyways

the battle started and the Badgermoles got the advantage pretty quick

you took out their firebender and was working on the earthbender while the rest of team handled the Avatar

the earthbender put up a huge fight, it was so impressive

he even knocked you back a zone, but you recovered and, with a streak of luck, knocked him straight out of the field

you guys won that round

the next round didn’t go so well

the fire ferrets managed to knock all three of you guys off the platform, resulting in a win and a knock out

this meant that the entire match went to the Fire Ferrets

the other members on your team were annoyed and angry, but you weren’t phased too much

after all, Ba Sing Se treated you all extremely nicely, whether you win or not

so after the game, your team found themselves walking through the Fire Ferret’s locker room so you could leave

after your team mates walked past, you stayed behind and talked to one of the Ferrets, the Earthbender

“Hey, you were really good out there.”

you took off your helmet, just like in the movies, and he swore time slowed

he just stood there, completely frozen with his mouth agape

you raised an eyebrow at his antics and it wasn’t until Avatar Korra slapped him on the back that he came back to

“You- good- were good, uh im- im Bolin.”

you just laughed at Bolin and smiled 

“My names Y/n”

you walked up close to him, noses inches apart

“And next time, we won’t lose.”

he just gulped and nodded him head

you turned and walked out, laughing quietly to yourself

the interaction boosted your mood up exponentially

anyways timeskip to when their looking for the airbenders

you were just chilling in Ba Sing Se in the upper ring

you and your team were given super nice houses since you were the city’s pride and joys

then suddenly, you see Bolin and his brother walking around calling for someone

“Bolin? is that you?”

that boy turned around so fast

he blushed so brightly when he saw you and kinda looked at his brother for help

“well, well, what are the Fire Ferrets doing in my city? you know.. i’ve been dying for a rematch!”

you were only joking of course

you knew that their team had broken up after the year you met Bolin

not that you were keeping tabs on their team

of course

“yeah not right now, we’re looking for someone” his brother said

“oh? need some help?”

it took some time to convince Mako, the brother, but eventually you annoyed him enough to let you join

you were all walking through the upper ring looking for some kid named Kai, but you weren’t really paying attention

you maybe, kinda, might only be there so you could hang out with Bolin

from what you had heard (once again, you definitely weren’t searching for info), Bolin was an outgoing, loud guy

now he was quieter than a mouse

“So, i heard you were making movers now. What, getting tired of being a Pro-Bender?”

“Huh? No. I still play! I’m just doing this until the season starts...”

you were visibly happier after hearing that

you had thought that acting was going to be his permanent thing from now on

but still one thing plagued your mind

“And whats that princess girlfriend of yours gonna think about it? Ginger, I think her name was.”

Spirits you had done wayyyy too much research on this man

to be fair, you didn’t think you’d see him ever again

he blushed and stuttered out something about how they weren’t really dating, how it was a publicity stunt, blah blah

you weren’t really paying attention because after hearing his availability, you decided that today was the day you were gonna make a move on him

if it fails, then you don’t really have much to worry about; he lives in an entirely different city and you would only have to see him once a year

but if it succeeds; ohohohoh you’d finally get to live out your crush

the pros really outweighed the cons right now

so you guys searched for Kai for a while more

you decided that you were going to make some subtle hints toward Bolin

you let your hand brush against his a couple times, but never really looked up to see his reaction

then, you guys found Kai

he was stealing some old guy’s money by... airbending? why does this day just keep getting weirder?

so you guys chase him down an the streets and eventually follow him onto a train

unfortunately, he tricks you and sends you guys all the way to the lower ring 

you used to live here when you were younger, before you became a Pro-Bender, and it wasn’t a nice place

only now, it seemed to have gotten worse

all of you tried to find a way to get on a train back to the upper ring, but none of you had your passports or any money

if only you hadn’t left your house in such a hurry

you even tried to pull the “im a Pro-Bender!” card, but it didnt work

so you guys stayed on the streets for the day

Bolin was really trying to lighten the situation up, but it wasn’t really working 

“C’mon guys! Korra will realize that we’re gone and then come rescue us! I know it!”

she did not come

eventually, they had to find a place to sleep and no where was letting the stay for free

so they found a place in an alley and slept on the floor

yup, the dirty floor

you were not used to this

you almost wanted to stay up for the whole night to avoid sleeping on the ground, but Bolin assured her that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed

it was

“mmm here! you can use my jacket.”

he took off his jacket and laied it out on the floor neatly before gesturing for you to lay there

you hesitated for a second before sitting, not really putting up much of a fight because of how tired you were

Mako was already asleep somewhere across the alley and Bolin began gathering up some papers to use as blanket

then he found a spot somewhere away from you and started to settle down

“hey Bolin? do you maybe wanna share the jacket?”

he looked up so quickly and even the soft light from the lamp post caught his blush

“uhh sure”

and so he came over and laid halfway on the jacket so that you could take up most of it

he even offered you some of his picked up trash to use as a blanket, but you grimaced at the grossness and shook your head

you turned away from him, not wanting to be too overwhelmed by his proximity, so you didn’t notice that Bolin was staring at you

before you could completely fall asleep, a cool breeze burst threw the alley way and you began to shiver

maybe you should’ve accepted his paper

“hey Y/n you awake?”

since you were currently bouncing between consciousness, you decided not to answer

you feel him scoot closer

“okay please dont be mad at me when you wake up”

then you felt his arm cover your cold skin and warm you instantly

Spirits, he should be a firebender with how warm he was

you scooted back to meet his chest and let him envelope you

you fell asleep so quick

both of you woke up to Mako above you speaking loudly

“hey lovebirds, wake up”

since you already know of the position you were in, you didn’t really jump back with the surprise that Bolin had

“S-Sorry Y/n! You just looked so cold last night that I-” 

“its fine Bolin” you smiled at him “and thank you”

spirits he was so cute

and so you guys went on with the day, thinking about stealing food, then meeting their long lost family

it was such a nice reunion

they talked a bit about their family history, but since you felt out of place, you settled for playing with the babies on the floor

you bended little toys out of rocks and watched as some tried the same

it was so cute

meanwhile, Bolin was having a little dilemma

he and Mako had just finished having a heartfelt conversation with his Grandma and now he walks out here to see you playing with little babies and laughing with them

you were just so cute

“you know she likes you too right?”

“huh?! what- staring? im not staring.”

Mako just sighed because wow his baby brother is so dumb

“just talk to her before we leave Ba Sing Se”

and so they got their passports and left to the Upper Ring

you were so excited to go back home and sleep in a real bed

but you had one more thing to do before all of that

“So uh Bolin”

“So uh Y/n”

you guys spoke at the same time

“Oh! you can go first”

once again at the same time

“listen Y/n, I think you’re really pretty and super strong, like you could beat me up if you wanted to and i think thats really cool.” *cue your confused stare* “um anyways what I meant to say was, I think I’m about to fight the queen of Ba Sing Se and if I make it out alive, do you think we could hang out? like just us two?”

you decided to ignore some parts of what he said because umm you can only handle so many things at once

you settled for kissing his cheek and confessing too

you went back home so excited

even tho your crush was about to commit treason <3

aww the two of you are so cute I can’t

[carewyncromwell]

why is your favorite trope friends to enemies to lovers? Shows up both with Jacob/Duncan and the reincarnation au lol

LOL, is it really my favorite trope? I had no idea! 😂 

I think based on the Jacob/Duncan and the modern!Batticus comparisons, you meant “enemies to friends to lovers” -- even though, really, I don’t think I’d say Bat and Grim were ever enemies,  exactly, Grim just had a one-sided rivalry with Bat’s BFF Barty...and even in Jacob/Duncan’s case, it was more short-lived smolders of one-sided resentment on Ashe’s side than anything. 

But as to why those couples go through an evolution from being on not-so-good-terms to being friends to falling in love, I think what it really comes down to for me is that 1, I like contrasting couples, and 2, I prefer romantic relationships that start as friends first. Even the ships I get passionate about that don’t actively fight and banter usually have some element of contrast, where one side has flaws and strengths that compliment and counteract the other’s. Some examples of couples I really enjoy include:

Ron/Hermione (Harry Potter) ~ Definitely got plenty of bickering here, but yeah, besides that, Ron is the more common-sense- and action-oriented of the two, while Hermione is more methodical and bookish. 

Remus/Sirius (Harry Potter) ~ No real bickering in the actual books (fanfiction tends to write them more tempestuously), but Remus is the calming, soothing influence to Sirius’s wild, reckless emotions. 

Eliza/Goliath (Gargoyles) ~ Almost never bicker, but Eliza is a sometimes judgmental, but kind police detective working inside the law, while Goliath is an open-minded, but sometimes vengeful vigilante working outside of it. 

Elizabeth/Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice) ~ The quintessential example of bantering romance, but still -- Elizabeth is sociable and hot-blooded, while Darcy is quiet and cool. 

Fakir/Ahiru (Princess Tutu) ~ Quasi-enemies to start with, but only because they approach wanting to protect their “prince,” Mytho, in completely different ways -- once they come together to achieve that goal, they’re more likely to both bicker like a married couple and support each other when times get hard, which is helped out by Ahiru being this klutzy, awkward ray of sunshine and Fakir being this intelligent, tight-ass anti-hero with a heart of gold. 

Mytho/Rue (Princess Tutu) ~ Enemies only because of the roles they play in “the story” written by the magical Storyteller Drosselmeyer -- in truth, neither of them sees each other as an enemy, and the fights they get into are actually very drama-heavy rather than it being just about them having opposite personalities. Though of course Mytho is a Prince Who Loves and is Loved by Everyone and Rue is this slightly arrogant, but sophisticated and devoted prima ballerina who longs for unconditional love. 

Tiana/Naveen (The Princess and the Frog) ~ Opposites in every way, and they bicker enough in the beginning to make it obvious, with Tiana being an ambitious, ridiculously driven stick-in-the-mud and Naveen being a spoiled, devil-may-care playboy. 

And yeah, even looking at the ships with my MC’s, one can see an “opposite” theme running through them.

Carewyn/Orion ~ Carewyn is an organized planner who takes the burden of the whole world on her shoulders. Orion is a philosophical free spirit who prefers to detach from the world and live free of anyone else’s expectations. 

Jacob/Ashe~ Jacob is a hot-tempered, eccentric, book-smart, people-dumb spaceman. Ashe is a cool, ambitious, cynical, emotionally intelligent tsundere. 

Erik/Roxy @mira-shard ~ Erik is a foul-mouthed, logical, ill-tempered warrior-type. Roxy is a compassionate, emotional, patient healer-type. 

Ana/Charlie @drinkyoursoupbitch ~ Ana is an introverted, mistrustful writer with a talent for History of Magic and wizard dueling. Charlie is an extroverted, trusting dragonologist with a talent for magical creatures and flying. 

Jackson/Monty @cursebreakerfarrier ~ Jackson is a melodramatic, flashy showman. Monty is a quiet, intellectual scholar. 

Bat/Grim @cursebreakerfarrier ~ Bat is an academic Muggle-born soldier who prefers to screw the rules and has no interest in public approval. Grim is a by-the-books professor and veteran of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement who strongly believes in doing things “the right way” and, when he was younger, was very focused on fulfilling his father’s high expectations for him. 

Ru/Estrid @thatravenpuffwitch ~ Ru is a wild, rude, eccentric Kelpie who pretty consistently gives the middle finger to all sorts of propriety or societal expectations. Estrid is a quiet, independent, compassionate witch who initially binds Ru to her just to keep them from hurting people. 

Perhaps because I’m on the asexual spectrum, I don’t really find as much joy out of the “enemies to lovers” trope, because for me, love should be built on friendship first. To me, one should like someone solely as an individual and as an equal before nurturing romantic feelings for them, and the word “enemies” insinuates that one can’t really like the person, since the two people would have to be on opposite sides of some sort of moral dilemma. It’s why even a ship like Zuko/Katara from Avatar makes more sense to me than one like Rey/Kylo from the new Star Wars films, even if I personally don’t ship either. (If you like either or both, that’s fine, though! Different strokes!) But yeah, I still find myself really enjoying it when two different people realize that they have a lot more in common than they thought and -- through their interactions with each other -- end up becoming more complete people. :)

[forestwater87]

Every episode of Camp Camp ranked: A very (non)objective list

It's well past the time of year when Season 5 of Camp Camp would've dropped. I fully understand and support it not coming out; the crew's health and safety are much more important than a comfort show.

However . . . man, would it be nice to have some comfort right now.

So I'm reliving the entire series! I've been known to share with the world a whole bunch of Spicy Hot Takes, but I've never really sat down and talked about my feelings about the show as a whole. 

And what's the best way to do that? Well, just ask Jenny Nicholson: a numbered list! That is, here's the series ranked from worst episode to best, because I want to get the negativity out of the way early and focus on everything I love (and because people enjoy complaining, so let’s frontload all that). 

The takes will be hot. The feelings will be intense. The post, I'm assuming, will be largely unread.

Let's do it!

Oh and duh, there are spoilers. I tried to keep it pretty chill, but you’ll want to have watched the whole show or just not care about spoilers before going forward.

Also slashes in the middle of “naughty words” are meant to prevent this from being kept out of the main tags. Who knows if it’ll work? I don’t.

60. Who Peed the Lake? (Season 4, epis/sode 3)

Ah, good ol' Pi/ss Lake (or as @hopefullypessimistic84​ calls it because she's funnier than any of us will ever be, “Pis/s Fe/tish Dot Com”). Terrible, one of the few I’d consider nigh unwatchable. I actually kind of love this episode for being such great shorthand for "the absolute worst one."

Who signed off on an entire episode centered around Sherlock Holmes meets a bad om/o joke? Give me names and addresses: I just want to talk.

59. Reigny Day (Season 1, episode 6)

And nobody was surprised.

I'll admit I'm more willing to defend this episode than many people, but it's not . . . like, good. It seemed okay when there were only 11 other episodes to compare it to, but now that there have been so many bangers, this comes across as extremely weak. 

And let’s just say the Na/zi jokes hit a lot differently in 2020 than they did in the summer of 2016.

I’m overall happy with the direction the showrunners have moved Dolph’s character in, and I can’t totally blame them for using a kind of humor that was fairly common in the pre-Trump era, but yikes, this has aged like milk. And it wasn’t even very funny at the time, so it aged like milk that was already pretty bad to begin with.

58. Squirrel Camp (Season 4, episode 10)

This is a dumb one.

Not much else to say; it’s just kinda stupid and lame.

57. Fashion Victims (Season 4, episode 13)

I love Sasha, but this is filler. Which isn’t in itself a bad thing -- I have a couple episodes near the top that could reasonably be called filler, and a valid argument could easily be made that “filler episodes” don’t actually exist in a show with no plot -- but as much as I adore the Flower Scouts and enjoy the handful of good moments we get in this episode . . . who cares? Does anyone really give a sh/it about anything that happens here? Does anyone get their life from this one?

I didn’t think so.

56. Foreign Exchange Campers (Season 3, episode 3)

I know, I know, your Russian waifu came from this episode. Why do you think it’s so low on this list?

Okay, for real: this is . . . fine. It’s fine. It’s fine? I’m not mad at it, it just feels tonally incongruous and not very memorable beyond the fact that the fandom got really weird and kinda gross about Vera. But the episode itself? There’s some cute stuff with Neil and Nikki being jealous, but for the most part it’s a big hunk of white bread with some super mild white cheese that’s kinda soggy from sitting in a bag for too long and getting all condensation-y. 

That is to say: it’s fine.

ETA: Space Kid does say “fu/ck.” I can’t decide if that’s a point in the episode’s favor or against it.

This is the last of what I’d call the “bad” episodes. Everything after this ranges from mediocre to mind-blowingly amazing. But whatever our failing tier of Camp Camp episodes is, it stops right about here. 

Onto the good stuff!

55. Night of the Living Ill (Season 2 Halloween episode)

I keep switching this with “Eggs Benefits,” which probably means they should be tied. But whatever, this is my list and I am in charge and I’ve finally decided, after like 5 changes, that I like this one a little bit less.

It’s a fun Romero parody with nothing I’d call bad. Really this one’s only so low on the list because I think it’s kinda icky, and looking at those green snotty faces makes me queasy. If you think this is a bad reason to put it near the bottom of the list, then make your own post.

54. Cameron Campbell Can't Handle the Truth Serum (Season 4, episode 11)

I . . . don’t remember this at all. I initially had it a bit higher because I tend to love things with Campbell in them, but then I realized that nothing about this episode stuck in my brain even a little bit. 

Oh, this is the “Dolph has autism” episode that made everyone either extremely happy or really mad? Okay. I guess that’s the most remarkable thing about it. Neato.

Cam, I love you, but this was just not the best use of your sleazy charm.

53. Eggs Benefits (Season 2, episode 9)

This is one of those episodes with enough cute moments and good ideas to save it from being totally unmemorable, and I mostly enjoy rewatching. Platypus being a mom is a fabulous idea, and pairing the campers the way they did was mostly really interesting and fun.

The Preston-Nurf stuff takes it down several pretty significant notches, though. It’s what the kids would call problematic, and while I normally enjoy how the show doesn’t skew away from darker themes and jokes, it didn’t really fit either of their characters and just . . . isn’t fun to watch. It’s not especially funny, it’s not especially tragic, it’s just uncomfortable.

52. Camp Campbell Wants YOU! (Season 1, episode 0)

Honestly, this would be a lot higher if it was a full-length episode. It’s funny.

The next 5 or so episodes fall under the “cute but not very memorable” umbrella:

51. Nikki's Last Day on Earth (Season 3, episode 4)

I love the ensemble episodes, so this was always going to score higher than any of the single-character “meh” eps. I didn’t see the twist coming, though I know a lot of other fans did. Textbook example of “cute but not very memorable” -- the Platonic ideal of that concept.

50. The Candy Kingpin (Season 3, episode 9)

A clever idea that plays on Max’s worst characteristics and then calls him out for them, while also giving Dolph some much-needed character development. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like it really picks up until the last third of the episode, leaving the rest just kind of sitting there.

49. Campfire Tales (Season 4, episode 13)

Who doesn’t love campfire stories?

That’s all I got. They’re campfire stories.

ETA: OH SH/IT THIS ONE HAS THAT REALLY SCARY STORY! Where David’s all like . . . Slenderman’d. Fu/ck, I didn’t remember that until I was writing out my thoughts for #35 or so. That definitely elevates it, but I’m too tired to try and re-decide where this should go, so just tie it with “New Adventure!”

48. New Adventure! (Season 4, episode 4)

New trio! Focusing on these 3 was a definite risk, and I think it really paid off. While the “plot” itself isn’t anything special, there are a handful of really great side gags (hi, Dirty Kevin!!!!) and it’s fun to see these three interact. They all get some nice character beats. It’s a good time.

47. Something Fishy (Season 3, episode 8)

This might’ve hit me harder if I’d actually seen The Shape of Water, but the send-up works fine without having more than the seen-the-trailer level of understanding. Gwen dresses pretty, which I love; Max sucks, which I also love. What drags this one down is mostly feeling like the surreal aspects of the comedy go a bit too far into the “what the fu/ck am I looking at?” territory without really . . . making an actual joke beyond “look! Wacky!"

Why is David at the opera with a bird? Why??

46. City Survival (Season 3, episode 11)

Literally do not remember a single thing about this episode except David getting mugged and being called a “homeless twi/nk.” That should probably rank it lower on the list, but David being a fluttery mother hen saves it for me -- as does the fact that it leads directly into one of my favorite episodes, and the single best story arc of the series.

Next set of episodes is what I’m going to arbitrarily call “okay! but like the good kind of okay, not the bad kind.”

45. Bonjour Bonquisha (Season 2, episode 7)

Max and Sasha masterminding a scheme is really fun; their dynamic is great (though it won’t be fully realized until Season 4), and heartbroken David is so tragically cute it actually makes my heart explode out of my chest.

Also I can’t resist a good “3 kids in a trench coat” gag.

44. Anti-Social Network (Season 2, episode 2)

Neil is very relatable and I don’t have much else to say about this one. It’s fun to see an episode that more heavily focuses on our nerdy science boy, and Max and Neil teaming up to save Nikki was really charming and sweet and set my Makkiel ship out to sea.

43. A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever (Season 2 holiday episode)

Why does this episode have a musical number? It’s not good.

Okay, that was mean. This is fun and cute and Gwen wears a pretty purple sweatshirt and Space Kid gives her a present and it’s really sweet. But that musical number is an instant fast-forward for me, sorry.

42. Preston Goodplay's Good Play (Season 4, episode 7)

We get some Preston character development! Awesome!

It’s done in a really trippy and surreal way that totally fits his character and heightens the drama of the episode! Awesome!

David has an apparently-tragic history of being a French mime! Not a good call! 

Next tier: Some good sh/it! (Tbh, these could all be put in just about any order; they might as well be one massive tie.)

41. Cookin' Cookies (Season 2, episode 11)

I love the Flower Scouts. I love Dirty Kevin. I love the idea of accidentally starting a dru/g empire. Another weird, borderline experimental one focusing on side characters, and I think it works better than “New Adventure!” because the scale of the melodrama is just so over-the-top.

The fact that this is in the bottom 20 but I have nothing but good things to say about it illustrates how dang good this show is. It’s only getting better from here, folks!

40. Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected (Season 1, episode 7)

Preston is a terrible playwright. This makes sense, because he’s like 11, but he’s the kind of hilariously bad I wish I’d been as a preteen, because his play is absolutely bonkers. Max fucking with David is great, Tabii vs. Bonquisha is great, Bonquisha in general is a giant amazonian goddess and I want to be swept up into her giant arms. Neil is . . . a robot, for some reason?

So much fun!

39. Camp Cool Kidz (Season 1, episode 4)

I don’t love Ered’s characterization in this one, but there are a lot of wacky hijinks in this episode that I think make it really enjoyable. Max’s wide-eyed revolutionary naïveté is a fun change from his usual dour pessimism, and Nikki’s loyalty to Ered is both very gay and very charming. Plus we get to learn a bit more about how the camp operates (and fails to operate), and it’s a nice way to better establish the campsite as its own setting.

(Definitely think “Cool” should’ve been spelled with a K though. But whatever, I don’t write for the show.)

38. Scout's Dishonor (Season 1, episode 3)

The birth of Neeancy! The introduction of the Flower and Wood Scouts! Neil saying “cu/nt” -- one of the first and only truly shocking uses of profanity in the entire show! ZUKO!

I don’t know if my fondness for this one is rooted mostly in nostalgia or if it was actually really fun, but I enjoyed the he/ll out of it. Not as highly-rated as some other episodes mostly because it doesn’t really do anything, character or story-wise, but not every episode needs to be a massive game-changer that drowns us in feels. Sometimes it’s enough to have a fun romp, and this is very that.

37. Ered Gets Her Cool Back (Season 3, episode 2)

Awww, Ered. I have a soft spot for her, because I love the archetype of a spoiled bit/ch clearly still figuring out how to be a person and have friends. You really get the sense of her as a teenager trying to sort her shi/t out in this episode, which I would love to see more of. Her interactions with Nerris are top-tier, and I like that it’s a continuation of how her character’s been softening since Season 1 into this kind of big-sister figure.

Also, all the female campers in this show are lesbians. I do not make the rules.

36. Attack of the Nurfs (Season 4, episode 2)

I feel like this is a pretty underrated episode. But then again, I feel like Nurf is a pretty underrated character, so maybe that’s just my own personal bias.

I really enjoyed all the different iterations of Nurf, and I think Blaine did a killer job giving each one its own personality and life. It’s a fun episode that plays hard with cartoon physics (a 3D printer printing people! I love it!) and has a surprisingly moving ending.

At least, that’s what I think. Most other people seem to find this one pretty forgettable. Again: make your own da/mn list. I liked it.

35. Mascot (Season 1, episode 2)

This entire episode is memorable for so many things, but a few of my favorites:

David is established as kind of a di/ck.

Platypus arrives and kicks all the as/s.

Quartermaster is the best.

Nerris, Harrison, and Space Kid all get little moments to show off how cute they are.

Neil and Nikki bonding.

This:

34. Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak (Season 2, episode 3)

I love watching Nerris and Harrison bicker, and Neil and Nikki fit really well into their group. It reminds me of being a kid, and of playing Dungeons & Dragons (as an adult, because I’m so cool), and of summer . . . which is a really good thing for this show. There are a lot of funny one-liners, and it’s just a good dang time.

33. Quartermaster Appreciation Day (Season 2, episode 6)

I don’t think this one is all that well-loved, but I thought it was funny. There are literally zero important plot or character moments, but it made me laugh a lot, and that’s all I need a Camp Camp episode to do. 

I love QM, and the more we learn about him, the more confused and disturbed we end up being. What a fu/cking champion.

32. Arrival of the Torso Takers (Season 3 Halloween episode)

I lowkey hated this one when it came out, because I knew the Daniel stans were going to be exhausting. And they kind of were? But looking back, it’s a great way to reintroduce this motherfu/cker. He’s a lot scarier than he was the last time around -- but also less competent, which is a great way to kick him in the proverbial ba/lls -- and while I wish it had a lot more Gwen in it, it’s a clever and creative Halloween episode. 

31. Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot (Season 3, episode 10)

Charlie . . . Tango . . . Foxtrot . . . CTF . . . OH! Capture the Flag! I never got that before. Oh, that’s neat. I love this show.

Listen, every time the writers decide to take a risk and do something bizarre and creative, I’m going to be here for it at least a little bit. An entire episode told from the POV of the Woodscouts, explaining how hard they failed in all directions? A great gag where everyone in Petrol’s story talks in grunts? The return of Jermy Fartz?! Fantastic. 

30. Panicked Room (Season 4, episode 16)

Listen. I’m a sucker for my trash grandpa; anything Campbell-centric is probably going to be pretty good (except #54), because he’s just one of the most consistently funny and engaging characters. Good times are had whenever this terrible man is on the screen, and giving him a romantic backstory? A tragic romantic backstory full of mistakes and emotional damage?? One where he waited 17 YEARS for the love of his life???

We have no choice but to stan.

29. Party Pooper (Season 4, episode 15)

I’m so predictable. If you put Gwen in something, I will be happy. If you make an entire episode about how Gwen is under-appreciated and overworked and just trying to do her best despite the circumstances, I will dedicate my firstborn child to you.

Anyway, this episode is really sweet, and I liked the unexpected direction the writers took her relationship with her dad. He seems like a nice guy, they seem like they have a nice relationship, and . . . well, an episode about how hard it is to be an adult millennial hit pretty hard. Plus this was just a really pretty episode -- and not just because Gwen was in so much of it! Seriously, that night sky was a thing of beauty.

Also if you say a fuc/king word about Max and that godda/mn dog I will choke you out with your own intestines. Few things are more hilariously, annoyingly ironic than the fact that the entire fandom ignored and failed to appreciate Gwen . . . in the episode all about how everyone ignores and fails to appreciate Gwen.

28. Culture Day (Season 3 holiday episode)

Now, would it be arrogant to point out that I had the idea for a Culture/Heritage Day back in September 2018? Yes, especially since I don’t think the writers ever read fanfiction and it has literally nothing to do with this episode. Will that stop me? He/ll no it will not! I am a creature of ego! Read my stuff! 

Anyway, this is a really fun look at Neil’s background, personality, and relationships. Max looking out for him is just . . . oh my god, I cannot, I’ve written like 30 of these and my brain is starting to melt, but these two are so cute. I love arrogant Neil, and I love protective Max, and I love QM and Gwen fuc/king over the Flower Scouts to save the day. Everything about this episode is lovely.

27. Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper (Season 3, episode 7)

This should not be ranked so high (even if these are all essentially tied). This is a dumb episode based on a really, really dumb premise. 

But . . . I don’t know what to tell you. “Samboy Kidwell,” Max realizing he and Campbell are disturbingly similar and not liking what his future could look like, David’s “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” face . . . this episode happens to hit all of my favorite things. It had a really good balance of heavy-handed moralizing and goofs, it was part of the most graceful lead-up into a finale the show has ever had, and I’m just all about it. 

Excellent job, Samboy. Count Olaf would be proud of your disguise.

There ends the “some good sh/it” tier. We’re starting to get into the really excellent stuff now!

26. Parents' Day (Season 2, episode 12)

I know. You want this to be higher. I hear you.

Honestly I’m kind of shocked it’s this high; it’s my least favorite of the season finales so far, and I had to push past a lot of prejudice to actually rank this where I think it deserves to be, as opposed to somewhere in the like mid-40s. Mostly because it gave fuel to the raging inferno of “Max has terrible parents and David should adopt him” headcanons, which I’ve detailed my problems with extensively in the past (in a post that, statistically speaking, none of you have read).

But, trying to be objective: is this episode actually any good?

Well . . . yeah, it really is.

So much work was put into giving each of the campers families that make sense with their characters and bounce absurdly well off of them, ranging from wholesome and adorable (Nerris’s family) to quietly tragic (Harrison’s parents), and they’re all designed so well; they’re fun to look at and fun to watch interact with the kids and each other. (The only exception is Dolph’s dad, who is both kinda lame and misattributes the cause of the weird Na/zi thing because it did not come from Germany, I assure you. But things with Dolph are always a little off, and I don’t really know how you would give him a backstory that actually works with the character, so they were caught between a rock and a hard place there.)

The drama of David having to choose between the man he considers his father and the camp he considers his home is really touching, and him and Gwen choosing to take a sad camper out to get pizza instead of covering for their boss’s a/ss is such a beautiful moment for both of them that I can’t really blame the fandom for losing their mind over it. Campbell’s arrest leading into the arcs of the next two seasons was great as well, and the finale left us all with this weird sense of foreboding because we didn’t know what was going to happen next; it was the only finale that actually ended on something close to a cliffhanger, while still being satisfying enough to keep us all from melting down.

Plus, it’s funny. Carl and Candy are really funny and the idea of Neil and Nikki’s parents boning is funny in a horrible way. The joke about Quartersister is funny. It’s a good episode.

Should this be higher? Maybe, but I can’t bring myself to put it above the rest of these episodes. Again: make your own list.

25. Mind Freakers (Season 1, episode 10)

The episode that launched a thousand ships. Assuming those ships are all Harrison/Neil, anyway.

It’s hard to talk about these Season 1 episodes because they feel so classic. Like, what is there to say? You’ve all seen it a couple dozen times; I’ve seen it a couple dozen times. Harrison is a di/ck, Neil is possibly an even bigger di/ck, and magic may or may not be real. (Though spoilers for literally every season: yes, magic is definitely real.) It’s so much fun watching these two smug as/sholes snipe at each other in an almost literal playground hair-pulling way that could very easily be read as flirtation. 

And the fandom did most certainly read it that way, at least for a little while.

24. Gwen Gets a Job (Season 2, episode 8)

It’s Gwen. What, was I supposed to not put it this high?

This was the first Gwen-centric episode, and it absolutely slaps. She’s pushed to the breaking point and responds by being a cold-hearted BAMF, and it got her some pretty significant hate from fans but I don’t give a fu/ck, I loved it. We got to see her all dolled up, and then we got to see her all disheveled, and both of those looks were gorgeous. David gives her a tiny fragment of the love and validation she deserves (I don’t know if this is when gwenvid started taking off -- I think it wasn’t really until “Parents’ Day,” or even Season 3 -- but I ate that s/hit up).

Also, again: job hunting post-2008. It’s a bad time, y’all. Camp Camp gets it.

23. Follow the Leader (Season 4, episode 6)

Yeah, I was kind of surprised at how high this landed, too. I guess I’m just a sucker for unlikely companionships, and these three have a great chemistry. The combination of competitiveness, sass, and reluctant admiration make their interactions a lot of fun. Their motivation of doing petty errands for Campbell for the sake of getting at the Box of Illegal Contraband is a great framework too, with high enough stakes to justify all sorts of wacky shenanigans without causing actual anxiety.

I want to see these characters forced to spend more time together. Please, RT, make that happen.

22. Escape from Camp Campbell (Season 1, episode 1)

In terms of numbers, this feels so low, but considering everything from about #45 on is ranked as at least decent, this is actually a pretty high rating. There are 21 episodes I’d call better than this, but these decisions were all pretty painful.

This introduces us to everyone! The main trio, the counselors, Mr. Campbell; we get a snapshot of the major personalities running around the camp, the major points of conflict (Max vs. David, primarily), the major building blocks of future episodes, setting, and relationships . . . 

Again, I don’t know how much of my love for this episode is nostalgia -- there’s a lot of squeeing at familiar faces and gags; this is the first time David gets hit by a bus!!! -- but it was a fun and funny introduction to a series that’s ended up being so important to me, and I’m so grateful this wonderful, quirky little show with its wonderful and quirky little premiere. 

Of all the episodes, I really can’t look at this one objectively. It’s too important.

21. The Fun-Raiser (Season 3, episode 1)

David and Gwen scheming is my ki/nk. They very rarely scheme together, but every single time their teamwork makes the dream work (or, more frequently, makes the dream fail horribly and have disastrous consequences) my soul flies out of my body and takes to the stars, where I write another 500 first chapters to gwenvid fanfics I’ll probably never finish.

This is a great follow-up to “Parents’ Day,” where we immediately see the consequences of the previous season finale and what happens when the one adult in the camp disappears. Mr. Campbell was a terrible adult, true, but at least he was smart enough not to steal QM’s hook. Like . . . whose plan was this? It was so bad. These two are hilariously incompetent sometimes -- often when their bad ideas are feeding off of each other, actually, a la this and “Space Camp Was a Hoax” -- and watching them frantically try and keep all their balls in the air is so great. 

The ending is satisfying, too; a bit graphic, in keeping with a show that tends to keep the violence limited to periodic spurts of bloodshed 1-2 times a season and mostly pretty mild the rest of the time, but between Max stepping up and fixing everything while still being his shi/tty self to our dear dumba/ss counselors getting their dumb as/ses handed to them (deservedly so, if we’re being honest) . . . it’s such a great note to begin a new season on.

20. Journey to Spooky Island (Season 1, episode 5)

A classic.

We get to meet our spooky boy Jasper, we get to watch the comedy trio play off each other and continue to sketch out the general contours of their friendship, and we get to see the Quartermaster with a big purple dil/do for a hand. What’s not to love?

19. The Butterfinger Effect (Season 4, episode 17)

CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES! GET YOUR CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES HERE!

I’ve already gone into some pretty intense detail about why I think this one is actually really good and carries the theme of embracing change that everything about Season 4 was centered around, but none of y’all read that so here it is in short: this episode is super funny, almost all of the campers’ transformations work really well as extensions of their characters while still being strange and surprising, and the fact that Nurf creates all of these problems by trying to solve them is deliciously fun to watch in a karmic sort of way.

Or maybe it’s just because any Nurf-centric episode is going to rank pretty highly for me. That is also possible.

18. Space Camp Was a Hoax (Season 2, episode 10)

Our camp counselors being bad people: it’s my drug of choice.

We get Space Kid tripping balls in what might be one of the funniest sequences in the show, the entire camp coming together to try and pull off the stupidest, most impossible task (and kinda maybe almost nailing it???), and once again the fun of watching Gwen and David scramble to keep from getting caught in their boss’s shit/ty lies is so great. And Lindsay’s voice acting is absolutely killer, even more so than usual. 

17. Jermy Fartz (Season 2, episode 4)

I get the sense this might be a somewhat controversial one. 

I’ve written before about why I think this episode is a lot of fun, but it mostly boils down to two things: watching the campers try (and fail) to be nice to the most bully-able person on the entire planet, and the essential likeableness of Jermy. 

No, really.

I think a lot of people were put off by Jermy’s general grossness, because . . . my god is he disgusting, but he’s also polite and good-natured, and seems totally self aware of how difficult he is to be around, without letting it make him depressed. He’s cheerful in a weirdly downbeat way that’s impossible to understand until you see him in action. He’s so matter-of-fact about his own awfulness in a way that I found entirely endearing. I don’t think I’d want him at my camp, either, but get that kid to a good dermatologist and gastroenterologist, teach him some basic hygiene and social skills, and you’ll have quite a little gentleman there.

I do however find it hilarious that apparently David got the type of tree wrong when making fun of Jermy. Not only is that a great moment for reveling in David being an as/shole, but he didn’t even have the right wood. F/ucking idiot. I love him so much.

These last ones are my favorites! (Well, duh, that’s how this whole ranking thing works.) Maybe not perfect, but just really good and with limitless rewatch value.

16. St. Campbell's Day (Season 4 holiday episode)

They Grinch’d Camp Camp. Those brilliant bast/ards, they really pulled it off.

Ignoring the fact that David is truly frightening-looking for most of the episode, this is a great bookend to Season 4, following up on the theme established in the first episode about how David is a flawed and selfish human being despite trying his best not to be.

This is another one I was surprised to find so high on the list, but the more I thought about it the more I realizes how good it is. David being a jerk is always one of my favorite storylines, and the fact that the trouble comes from him trusting Mr. Campbell too little instead of too much is a nice twist on the usual formula. Gwen coming to help him out despite a blistering hangover gave me aggressive shipping feels, yes, obviously. 

Between a lot of really funny little gags like QM’s failed satanic ritual and the genuinely touching moral about the importance of spending time with the people you love, it’s just a really lovely episode that gets just the right amount of maudlin for the holiday season. 

15. Jasper Dies at the End (Season 2, episode 5)

I kept switching this and “Dial M for Jasper”; it was a really difficult decision to make, figuring out where these two belonged. I think in the end, while the John Dies at the End reference was very, very good, this one loses me a little bit by being told from David’s perspective. Now, normally the more David is in an episode the more I’ll be likely to love it (see my #1 for proof of that), but his blinders when it comes to the camp and Mr. Campbell result in a really funny story, but one without the same emotional heft as hearing about what happened from Jasper’s point of view.

That doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for what it needs to be: each Jasper episode builds on the previous ones, and having the same intensity of “Dial M for Jasper,” where we learn how he died and how his relationship with David fell apart, would be weird and heavy at this point. In Season 1 we just found out he’s a ghost (and eagle-eyed viewers realized he’d been a camper with David); in Season 2 we find out how David views their friendship and time at camp; and in Season 3 we get Jasper’s perspective. It’s an absolutely wonderful raising of the stakes (for lack of a better term), but the one that packs more of an emotional punch is going to rank a bit higher than the one that’s mostly just for laughs.

That being said: there are plenty of laughs in this one. Everyone -- Griffin, Miles, Travis, the animators -- nailed this one, and it gets funnier every time I watch it.

14. Camporee (Season 1, episode 11)

AKA the episode where Forest realized she was in love with Gwen. 

What a great idea for an episode, seriously. Every coming-of-age story has a talent show or a competition or a big game -- something where the kiddos can show off their improved skills and teamwork to beat their bullies or whatever. And this show has both kinds of bullies: the popular girly girls and the violent muscleheads. What a great moment to pull everyone together and show how friendship can help us accomplish anything!

Except . . . of course that’s not what happens. Of course they’re absolute garbage, and of course teamwork isn’t the answer. Gwen is the perfect foil for David here, being the anti-teamwork, anti-Camp-Campbell adult who can perfectly and effortlessly undermine David’s relentless optimism. David wants so badly for his campers to live in the same coming-of-age summer movie he did as a child, and their staunch refusal to do that leads to a really heartbreaking closer to the episode, as well as lead into the next one. Everything about this, from the challenges to the setup to Gwen shouting “we are winning this FUC/KING trophy!” is just gold.

13. David Gets Hard (Season 1, episode 9)

We have David. We have Nurf. We have Gwen. We have Max trying to be helpful in the shi/ttiest way possible.

We have all the makings of a da/mn good episode. And they deliver. Not a very emotionally intense or moving one, but so, so funny.

12. Dial M for Jasper (Season 3, episode 5)

This isn’t the fate any of us expected for Jasper, and it’s not the fate of a lot of people wanted. But godda/mn it, it worked. The constant bait-and-switch the episode keeps playing with, where you keep waiting for something really dramatic and tragic to happen . . . and then the reality is that Jasper died because Mr. Campbell was stupid and careless, and it was all just a horribly sad accident.

It’s anticlimactic, but in a way that suits the series, both as a comedic counterpoint to all the hype throughout the episode and as a way to establish that Cameron Campbell is a bad man first and foremost through selfishness and laziness, not Daniel-esque sinister evil. Jasper’s death was totally avoidable and totally Campbell’s fault, and while that’s sad, it also adds a weird sort of lightness to the episode. David didn’t do something terrible to kill his best friend, Jasper didn’t kill himself, and without having actively chosen to murder a child (well, not this time), the door remains open for fans accepting Campbell’s later pseudo-redemption. It was just an accident, and Jasper was “haunting” David to tell him that he was sorry for how their friendship ended. That’s really sweet, actually.

I think it’s the best way this reveal could’ve gone, and I’m so impressed with how they pulled it all off.

11. Into Town (Season 1, episode 8)

This might actually be the only flawless episode in the entire show. I mean, I call a lot of them flawless, and I mean that on an emotional level -- “I love this so much I cannot see anything wrong with it” -- but this one is a masterpiece of storytelling. All the technical jumbo I’m bad at, like planting and payoff and tension and all of that, is just perfect.

I feel like this is the kind of claim that needs to be backed up with a long-as/s essay full of citations and video clips and references to, like, Joseph Campbell or something, but this is my 49th entry in the list so I am not going to be doing that. Besides, I don’t think my English degree qualifies me to critique film/animation; I don’t even entirely know half the terms I’ve used to compliment this episode. Someone else please explain why this is such a good one.

10. The Quarter-Moon Convergence (Season 4, episode 5)

I’ve mentioned in other entries that the weird, surreal humor sometimes doesn’t work; it feels too much like being odd for its own sake, and sometimes gets so distracted in being surreal that it forgets to include anything funny or meaningful. 

This . . . is not one of those.

Putting Harrison and QM together is a stroke of genius; the two of them are literally the most magical beings in the entire show, and using them as the conveyance for this great Lovecraftian horror-comedy was such a good idea. I don’t know if we’ll ever see these two interact in another episode -- honestly, this felt a bit like lightning in a bottle, and I have a hard time imagining what could possibly bring them together again -- but if this is the only episode we get, it is such a fantastic one.

Harrison makes a really good everyman, despite his powers; he’s just the right amount of confident and insecure to pull off that wide-eyed apprentice to QM’s grizzled wise mentor. (The fact that QM is objectively a terrible mentor is beside the point.) I still don’t entirely know what the two of them accomplished, but it feels baffling and momentous, with the perfect amount of gravity to make things extremely tense all the way through to the end.

Also, I guess God is an octopus? That’s kinda cool. I like octopuses.

9. Camp Corp. (Season 3, episode 12)

Another unpopular opinion? Oh ho ho, I am so contrary! I am Not Like Other Fans! I am the Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, refusing to have the same opinions of all you prepz.

I know this wasn’t the most well-loved episode, but I think it did a really great job tying together story threads woven throughout Season 3: Max’s selfishness leading to him hurting other people, his growing realization that he cares about his friends and the camp itself, the parallels between him and Mr. Campbell (and the fact that they both get this redemption moment in the finale). 

This is the most Max-centric season, focusing on his flaws and character growth, and they pulled it off in a really organic way that felt faithful to his character, touching without being too maudlin. The fact that his feelings about the camp are echoed in Gwen, Neil and Nikki, the other campers, and even Mr. Campbell drives home how important the camp -- and David -- are to this strange little family. 

Each season, Max reluctantly becomes a better person, without changing the fundamental core of who he is. That’s a really hard putt for the writers and Michael, and I’m blown away every finale by how they so consistently nail it.

8. Time Crapsules (Season 4, episode 18)

Gwen-centric? Check.

Max learning how to be a better person while still being the bratty kid we know and love? Check.

Looks at one of the most under-appreciated character dynamics in the entire show (i.e., Max and Gwen)? Checkity check-check-check.

I don’t really have much to say about this one, which I should: it was considered a pretty serious letdown to a lot of fans, and I’m not sure how to explain why I loved it so much. 

Comparing Max from “The Order of the Sparrow” to Max from this episode is wild. It’s not like 2 different characters: they’re still very obviously the same cynical, self-absorbed 10-year-old trying to survive summer camp. But he’s become a more considerate friend and decent version of that kid, and it’s great to watch. The moment where he and Gwen go too far and immediately regret snapping at each other is still painful (on my god, the VAs in this show, they’re so talented), Nikki and Neil both get nice subplots about how they’re also growing up, and the ending is fuc/king hilarious, perfectly breaking the tension from Campbell’s speech, which is both beautifully done and important to hear, especially if you’re in a period of uncomfortable transition (like, say, in your late 20s, or living through about 5 different national and global catastrophes).

And okay, I found that speech on the wiki for this episode and it made me deeply emotional, so here:

Here's the thing: you've got to take your failures and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell for instance: a lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the camp realized that the camp would never reach the end of its path until it was ready or until it gave up. So, if the camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.

If this is the last episode of Camp Camp we ever get -- and for at least a little while, it looks like it’s going to be -- I can’t think of a sweeter, funnier, and more lovely bittersweet note for this show to go out on.

7. The Lake Lilac Summer Social (Season 3, episode 6)

And again: No one was surprised. 

This is the longest non-finale episode of the show, and it uses that time perfectly. Rather than having some big emotional moments and character arcs -- which are great, don’t get me wrong -- the writers use the extended time to build a series of shenanigans as complicated as Gwen’s matchmaking web, and watching her try to set up a series of dominos (with David, for once, being the responsible, level-headed one) is almost as satisfying as the catastrophic results. 

Neil and Snake steal this episode, even from someone as in love with Gwen as I am, and for an episode that’s largely about making fun of shippers, there hasn’t been one that launched nearly as many ships as this. Neil/Snake? Tabii/Erin? Max/Nikki? GWENVID?! It’s all here, and I am here for it.

It was also fun to get a traditional episode setup in a very non-traditional show. I assume this means the beach and/or hot springs episode is forthcoming. (No, Pis/s Lake doesn’t count. Obviously it doesn’t count.)

6. Keep the Change (Season 4, episode 1)

Again, this is an episode I’ve said a lot about in the past -- and I was pretty uncharitable toward Season 3, which in retrospect was very unse/xy of me -- but I stand by a lot of my opinions then: this is a fu/cking great episode.

David is an as/shole, Max is an as/shole, Campbell is an as/shole. No one escapes the as/sholery. David schemes, Max catches him in the scheme, Campbell gets drunk and kind of gay . . . I’m 54 entries into this list and I don’t have much to say anymore: it’s just really good and fun and I love it.

5. Camp Loser Says What? (Season 4, episode 9)

This is another one I kind of hated when it came out, and again for fandom-related and personal-grudge reasons.

Fu/cking Daniel. That motherfu/cker. He shows up for 12 minutes and Tumblr bursts into flames. Every single time.

However, it’s really hard not to love this one. Daniel-as-Trump is a clever but subtle -- I mean, for this show’s definition of subtle -- allegory, and it’s amazing how much this slimy freak and the Woodscouts slot into it. David is a bise/xual disaster with the absolute worst taste in men, Dirty Kevin and Daniel are onscreen together for all of 2.5 seconds and the kevdan shippers lost their minds, and Xemug looks like Megamind for some weird reason.

My only minor complaint is that the ending is a bit anticlimactic, but it plays on Daniel’s stupidity and the value of teamwork, so it’s a very small nitpick in an episode that mostly works like gangbusters.

4. Cult Camp (Season 2, episode 1)

Duh. There’s a really good song and we’re introduced to a charismatic, sinister, and totally dumba/ss villain. What’s not to like?

I don’t think I even need to say anything about this episode. Season 2 started off the summer by throwing a lit firecracker directly at the viewer’s face, and ignoring the fact that we as a fandom proceeded to eat each other, it’s impossible not to get caught up in the episode’s wild energy.

And dude, that song. Fabulous. Fu/ck Daniel, but thank god he’s around to be such a prickly little pri/ck.

Now for the top 3: Literally perfect, wouldn’t change a single solitary thing.

3. After Hours (Season 4, episode 8)

I’m not sure anyone loved this episode as much as me. But this is my list, and I will put this up at the top if I want to and you cannot stop me.

It’s much easier in a lot of ways to talk about the episodes I hated than the ones I love this much. What do I say besides “literally everything about this fills me with joy and my life is better because it exists”? I don’t know. The counselors are my favorite characters, and between Gwen and QM having the weirdest bonding experience, Gwen getting to meet up with people who care about her silly fanfiction, Mr. Campbell being the trash grandpa of my dreams, David getting in way over his head . . . it’s the episode I always wanted, and they made it work so well.

Also, I just discovered that “Gwen Isn’t Your Mother So Stop Asking Her to Rinse Your Dishes” is an actual song and I am overwhelmed with delight. Here, I’m embedding it as well as linking because it’s so good:

God. This show. What the fu/ck even is up with this amazing, weird-as/s show.

2. The Order of the Sparrow (Season 1, episode 12)

Duh.

The entire first season is a great time (except “Reigny Day”), but it’s a pretty low-stakes kind of great time. There isn’t much in terms of emotional depth until the very end of “Camporee,” despite some hints at darker themes in one-off jokes and quick asides, so this episode comes a bit out of left field, tonally speaking.

But that’s not a bug, it’s a feature; if the show had been this overtly emotional from the outset, this finale wouldn’t hit as hard, and the rest of the season wouldn’t be as funny. 

This manages to serve as a capstone to the conflict of the first season, building on episodes like “Into Town” and “Escape from Camp Campbell” in a way that feels totally natural for both David and Max’s characters while revealing new sides of them. It works because it’s so unexpected, but it doesn’t come across as incongruous with their personalities. It’s the first and only time David swears in all 4 seasons, and that line -- I don’t even need to say it, you know exactly what I’m talking about -- still gives me chills.

Also, Gwen sings the camp theme song. Impossible not to cherish.

1. The Forest (Season 4, episode 12)

I’m not sure if this one is a surprise or not. It might be the obvious first place, or it might be a bit of an oddball for some people.

I had a really hard time choosing between this and “The Order of the Sparrow”; I switched their places half a dozen times, and the difference in quality between the two is razor-thin. I think part of that is because it accomplishes a lot of what “Order of the Sparrow” does: puts David in a situation where he’s pushed to his absolute emotional and physical capacity, crushes every shred of hope he has left, and sees what he’s actually made of when you strip everything away. It’s much more dramatic this time around, but it’s the same basic concept.

And just like in the Season 1 finale, what we see is a man who’s determined to do good even when he isn’t rewarded for it, even when he’s actively punished for it. Who wants to love nature, and life, and make the world a better place -- despite his faults, his selfishness and thoughtlessness and anger, David proves that he is fundamentally kind. He’s not nearly as deludedly optimistic as he seems; he just refuses to stop trying.

Because somebody fuc/king has to.

I’ll admit, some of what puts this one in first place is that I’m a sucker for whump, and David really goes through the ringer. However, I also think it’s important to acknowledge the risk Joe Nicolosi took with writing this episode: it’s all centered around a single character, it’s darker and more viscerally bloody than any other episode in the show’s history, the art is focused on these grand sweeping backgrounds that must’ve taken forever to paint, and there’s very little talking in a show that runs 99% on clever dialogue. This could have so easily backfired -- and for some fans it did -- but it was brave and beautiful and breathtaking.

I’ve actually only watched this in full once. It’s really hard to get through; it’s just so intense and even disturbing. But if there’s one episode I'll remember for the rest of my life, even when I’m 80 years old and haven’t seen the show in years, it’ll be “The Forest.”

It’s funny how such a sharp departure from the format and style of the rest of the show somehow manages to perfectly capture the heart of it. Talk about a fuc/king achievement.

So what have we learned?

I don’t entirely know what the purpose of this whole exercise was. I think it was mostly to get myself a nice Camp Camp fix that came from something other than slogging through 20 different fanfic WIPs, and to remind myself of what a strange and fun ride the last 4 summers have been. 

I also wanted to take a moment to acknowledge what Camp Camp means to me. This show has been hugely important to me on a personal level: I met two of my best friends through this fandom, and I’ve never been more connected to a community or readers than I have with CC. I know I bi/tch about this fandom a lot, but it’s a big extended internet family, and I’m so happy to be a part of it. Going through all these episodes, getting the chance to ramble about the things I liked and the things I didn’t, was a great way to reconnect with a series and community that I love.

So . . . what have we learned?

1. Season 4 was all over the place.

Some of this has to be due to the sheer volume of episodes, but when I sat down and organized everything into tiers:

There isn’t a single category Season 4 doesn’t have at least one episode in. I was surprised to see how high a lot of them ended up; it really was the best and worst of the show so far.

For the fun of it, I decided to give a number to each placement -- 60 points for the #1 episode, 59 for #2, etc. -- and see how each season broke down. Because that’s that kind of thing I think is worthwhile, apparently. And . . .

2. Seasons 1 and 4 are really good, actually.

Well, I don’t think anyone’s surprised to see how well Season 1 stacked up; it was amazing. But I was surprised to see how much I ended up enjoying Seasons 3 and 4, when if you’d asked me before this little project, I would’ve said they were the most underwhelming. Maybe I messed up the numbers a bit -- I’m no mathmagician -- but not only are they all really close, but Season 4 was one of my favorites.

3. This entire show is really good, actually.

One thing that really struck me when I put it all together visually is how most of the episodes sit in the “good,” “really good,” or “amazing” categories. The amount of episodes that are memorable, fun, and/or emotionally resonant is crazy. I don’t now how many other tiny cult-hit web series can say the same, honestly, and all of the writers, animators, directors/producers/other people whose jobs I don’t really understand, and voice actors should be commended for their outstanding talent and hard work.

4. Thank you, Camp Camp.

It was a real pleasure to relive all of these episodes again and think about what they meant to me. It won’t be the last time I sit down and watch this show -- and it certainly won’t be the end of my being a shrieking fangirl over it -- but with this break, where we have to get through a blazing, extremely difficult summer without a new season to fawn over, it’s nice to stop and appreciate what a precious gem of a show this is.

I hope everyone involved with Rooster Teeth is taking a much-deserved rest and prioritizing their health and well-being. Thank you for creating something truly special, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

[vitosscaletta]

personality + relationships for julia & background + relationships for lucia 😌

rips you off and makes banners <3

PERSONALITY

What’s their alignment?

chaotic good/neutral. more neutral/lawful later on

Which one of the 16 Personality Types do they fit into?

Not looking at it in-depth but entj 😳

What are their hobbies and interests? Do they have any particular “favorites” (food, books, and so on)?

Writing obviously... Mostly her little newspaper articles though, she’s not creative enough to write fiction :/ Other than that she likes to read, mostly the standard literature of the time (she’s a big fan of Ernest Hemingway.. 😳) or some of her mom’s old stuff and a few other columnists she looks up to :) Also medical books her dad has in their living room. She reads those too. She also picked up sewing at some point in the late 20′s/early30′s but she’s kinda. whatever about it. Mostly did it when she couldn’t afford new clothes and tried to change the silhouette of her old stuff

What are they bad at?

Driving 😔 she’s not... bad... she’ll just yell at anyone for no reason and break speed limit all the time 

Do they have any vices/addictions/mental illnesses?

No lol but she smokes... sometimes 😒

What are their goals and motivations?

God she’s ambitious as hell and it has mostly to do with her job... she wants to be a famous journalist or something but most of all to be taken seriously? Insert that saying about having to work twice as hard as a man to get half as much respect. Besides that, she also believes whatever she puts out into the world could somehow change things for the better :) It’s a little naive so she’d never tell people but. 

What are their manners like? Any habits?

Her manners are.. good? But she’s chatty and won’t shut up and says whatever is on her mind so

RELATIONSHIPS

Do they have any friends? Would they consider anyone to be their best friend?

She’s friends with almost everyone at Salieri’s (except Frank ig just because I couldn’t see them interacting much.. and Vinny..) and mostly just hangs out with them, she doesn’t really interact with other people anymore. Friend group that consists almost exclusively of italians <3 Her best friends are Olive and Sarah, maybe also Carlo since he always hangs around the bar too while the others are doing idk mafia things and plays cards with them :/ She’s friends with the other guys too though. Including Ralphie to some degree, she feels sorry that everyone makes fun of him... then laughs at whatever mean shit the others say about him and feels bad about it 😔

What’s their love life like? (See also: ship question meme.) Do they have any kids?

Oh you know 🙄 has a stupid little crush on Sam because she likes evil men i guess... idk what to say because there’s. A lot. They hold hands on her dads couch, get together like a year later because hes a freak etc. You know how it ends in canon but in the sexy superior au they get married in 1939/1940 something but nothing changes bc she was living in his crappy little italy apartment anyway :) also no kids god.. 

Who do they look up to? Who do they trust?

Hmmm mostly her parents. Yes her dad is a crooked doctor but she wants to be like that too... He ends up in prison in the canon timeline though :c  Also her late mother... she was an author (not a well-known one lmao) who died in the late 1910s :/  She trusts uhhh.. her dad and her friends I suppose.. her close friends. 

Who do they hate? Do they have any enemies?

She dislikes/hates a lot of random people because she’s petty but has no real enemies? Maybe Morello & his gang but just because everyone else does.. She has the exact same opinion on him as Salieri so whenever he talks shit she’s like “haha YEAH! >:(”... then he goes crazy in the end :/

Do they have any pets?

Yes, a cat :) his name is Louie

Are they good with kids? Animals?

With kids... yeah, to some degree? She’s the cool aunt who teaches kids swear words like “oh nuts” and tells them (child-friendly versions of) stories about her mafia friends but she’s not really someone who could take care of a child all day 🙄 Animals... yeah? She’s good with cats but probably nothing else

BACKGROUND

Where were they born? What was their childhood like?

She was born in Parlermo in the 1920s but her family moved to america when she was very young so she has no memory of her old home :/ They weren’t very well off in sicily and that didn’t change when they moved, her parents worked shitty jobs with low pay so they didn’t have much & lived in some ugly little apartment in little italy with their three kids... Lucia had to take care of her brothers most of the time because her parents both worked.. and was usually the one who had to beat the other kids’ asses when they got into trouble with any of them 😒 She spent most of the free time she had studying and doing things for school so she could get a proper job and wouldn’t end up like her parents or whatever

What’s their family like?

Her parents like I said are both from Sicily.. her dad is a mechanic and mostly worked in some little garage. The earning wasn’t that bad for the time but he made a few debts to the bank (and other people trying to pay those off) in the 1930s so you know :/ Her mom worked part-time in some random store lol.. they loved her obviously but they were very strict and had a billion expectations while also not really being around enough. They do support her trying to do well in school, mayyyyybe also going to college and all that but still expect her to get married instead of pursuing a career in the end so she can become a proper housewife 😒  She also has two younger brothers, Antonio and Frank.. they’re closer and like i said... Lucia is the cooler older sister who beats up the other kids who mess with them. They don’t have much lore but.. they exist..

What factions or organizations are they a part of? What ranks and titles do they hold?

None... idk.... empire bay library where she works in the late 40′s/early 50s :) she initially just works there as a librarian but becomes an archivist in 1950 something.

How do they fit into their “story”?

Just like Mia, she’s Vito & Joe’s friend from childhood.. dumb teenage antics that end after high school and they grow apart while Vito is in the army and Joe does... crime things. She’s just doing her own thing until the like 2 months where Vito isnt in prison.. where she has to drive his ass home after he & Joe robbed that one jewelry store :^) also they all meet up again in 1951, life is good for 3 months

Where do they currently live? What’s their place like?

Some crappy little apartment complex in Westside except her apartment looks nice 😌 it’s nothing fancy but it’s cozy and nice, lots of books lying around (there’s a system to it according to her), some old furniture mixed with new mid-century style ones. She has a little sunburst clock hanging there.

How do they eventually die?

Uhhh probably just of old age... in a swamp..

RELATIONSHIPS

Do they have any friends? Would they consider anyone to be their best friend?

Her childhood friend group that I mentioned, consisting of Vito, Joe and Mia :) They all lived in the same crappy neighborhood and went to school together.. Apparently Joe was the neighborhood bully whch is funny as hell to me but also. Lucia got into his “gang” when he picked on her little brother and she threatened to beat his ass.. meanwhile Vito actually had to do that to get into their group lmao. They met Mia like two years later in church and all became friends when Lucia helped her out in school 😳 She’d definitely consider Mia her best friend, they still hung out after their little friend group fell apart :(

She’s also friends with Giuliana and by association Henry (not really she just hears about him from like everyone)

What’s their friend group like? What role do they play in it?

godd obviously she wasn’t the one who started shit but she gladly went along with whatever stupid bullshit the others were doing. She’s supposed to be the responsible smart one or something but she’s not... she’s the one who causes more trouble to help the others somehow 😌 Shoplifting antics

She started being responsible after graduating high school when her parents told her to do something with her life so she’s like... “time to stop hanging out with criminals and focus on college...”. she really misses it though :(

What’s their love life like? (See also: ship question meme.) Do they have any kids?

Ahem.... she and Vito.... Childhood friends to lovers 😌 they were just friends in high school & she thought she’d never see him again after he got arrested but she does in 1945. Then he gets arrested again :)) Uhh she probably briefly dated a few people during that time but nothing ever came out of it. They get together in 1951 though but i cant talk about my mafia ships here or I’ll combust. They also probably have kids idk yet.. they look like kids people

Who do they look up to? Who do they trust?

She trusts..... her friends. and her brothers. Doesn’t really look up to her parents though because that’s exactly what she doesn’t want to be :(

Who do they hate? Do they have any enemies?

She doesn’t have any enemies she just hates some random people by association (the irish gang, some random mafia men she doesnt know)

Do they have any pets?

Two cats. Ocs by me owning cats cinematic universe

Are they good with kids? Animals?

Yes, she’s good with both :)

[bow-woahh]

She-Ra season 5 thoughts

A chaotic summary of my feelings/ reactions of each episode! Spoilers. Obviously. 

Episode 1 — Horde Prime

- First of...Adora stop throwing yourself into battle challenge - "You're not She-Ra anymore" — TELL HER SIS - The way Catra was so smug but Glimmer was not having any of it "You're just as alone as I am" if that ain't the truth idk what is - Catra wanting the climb up the ranks? Sis I don't think so let's see how long that lasts - The DINNER pissed me the fuck OFF - Oh yeah here's my obligatory SW FUCK OFF CHALLENGE - Micah, King, glare at her!! Yes!! - The way Scorpia said "Catra thought my singing was annoying" honey - That clone was SO annoying stfu about Prime being omniscient and omnipresent and shit like ugH idC - Bow and Adora are the BROTP - Scorpia stinging Adora to keep her safe - and that's on friendship - The way Prime INSTANTLY called Catra out "Adora means something to you" listen I hate the gay but damn he's smart. He saw right through her act. - "Adora chose her side and I chose mine" that doesn't mean you don't still care Catraaa - Also that was REALLL quick lmaoo the way five seconds she was like "imma climb up the ranks" then in about two secs HP was like "sis I have no use for you" - "What are you going to do to me?" IM CRYING - Adora and those weird flashback PTSD things -- are u okay sis?? - This was the first episode and I already want to cry so....wow

Episode 2 — Launch

- Adora omg she's so fatigued girl S L E E P - Bow getting pissed at everyone for not letting her rest...what a king - Catra disobeying HP and talking back to that clone but then HP took its form...fuck man that shit scary - STOP CALLING HER  LITTLE SISTER CHALLENGE JESUS FUCK - Everyone hates Entrapta wow ouch - Literally Entrapta being horny over robots is hilarious lmaoo - Mermista is a great leader and they worked so well together ahhh! I'm loving Scorpia and Frosta's friendship - Entrapta got the signal!! I'm proud -  Adora stop following holograms and illusions challenge -  Adora being all like "I don't know my destiny anymore but I know I need to save my friend." LIKE YES HONEY -  Glimmer is sO volatile like honey,, did you need to break HP's crystal ball thingy?? DID U?? -  also she knows her dad is alive now and that H U R T S ++ I bet she doesn't know the sword is broken so fuckkl -  Micah as She-Ra?? something I never knew I needed -  SW not being in this episode at all? love that for us - "I reinstate my horray" I LOVE YOU SCORPIA - "Can you stay?" MY FUCKING HEART GLITRA FRIENDSHIP HERE WE COME

Every episode I just feel immense f E AR

Episode 3 — Corridors

- THIS STARTS W BABY CATRA AND ADORA?? NOELLE WHY ARE TRYNA KILL US?? - Catra and Glimmer talking about sleepovers and Adora...damn my heart - Adora and her stupid ponytail 💀 - "I'll never say sorry!" - THE WAY YOUNG CATRA WAS SO JEALOUS EYE— - "There's no one in the entire universe who cares about me." - "Im sorry! For everything." IM SO UPSET WTF -  CATRA IS FUCKED BUT SHE SAVED GLIMMER -  HP GTFO CHALLENGE -  I'm so proud of my baby tho wow... -  What the fuck we gone do now? -  so much happened in this episode so this is a lot shorter because my brain is numb. Catra is gonna get brainwashed?? isn't she?? -  "I want to do that one good thing in my life." IM CRYING Y'ALL

Episode 4 —Stranded

- Adora is like "Catra, Catra?? saved you?? wtaf?” Lmaoo - Bow and Glimmer fighting is hurting my HEART - KYLE HAS A CRUSH ON ROGELIO?? SCORPIA DONE EXPOSED IT AHHH - Swifty tryna contact Adora?? kinda cute - him impersonating everyone was onbrand and kinda funny ngl - The way Adora is like "it's complicated" lmaoo girl everything is w you - I live the star siblings omg yeS - "I have to save someone. Someone I—" omFG ADORA - Adora is S T R O N K - she GLOWED OMFG SHE RA?? IS THAT U?? - BOW AND GLIMMER BEING OKAY?? MAYBE - Etherians really are wilding out here - YESSS THEY JOINING THE REBELLION - "Maybe we'll never be friends like we used to be."  Glimmer...I love her sm - "I can't just leave her there. I have to try." Adora actually cares so much about her!! and I love Glimmer being supportive wow we love a queen! - THE BEST FRIEND SQUAD IS BACK TOGETHER!! LETS GOO - "She-Ra is back." Swift Wind is annoying but thank you. thank you for saying that horse.

I literally threw my hoodie across the room and forgot that I did that wow lmao

Episode 5 — Save the Cat

- My friend who's ahead me said wait for episode 5 now I'm fucking S H OO K - this episode name has me shook I can't - its WRITTEN BY NOELLE?? WE'RE FUCKED - I love Wrong Hordak SM what an idiot - Catradora really is gonna be canon wow - WTAF IS THAT SHE IS NOT MY CATRA SHE IS A CLONE her hair tho?? kinda nice - the way HP said "your Catra." like low-key he said gay rights - "You broke my heart. And he has made me whole again." - "We both know I don't matter"  and "you're and idiot" "I know" THESE TWO ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER - SHE JUMPED OFF A CLIFF FOR HER - the way she's holding her?? so soft - SHE RA IS LOOKING FLY -- and is she taller?? - "You miscalculated" YES QUEEN I LOVE HER. THAT WHOLE FIGHT SCENE WAS AMAZING - FuCK HORDEP PRIME - Darla is the best Light Hope SUX - the "Hey, Adora" was SO SOFT IM SO HAPPY

That episode really hiT different Catradora is DEFINITELY canon EVERYONE SAY THANK YOU NOELLE

Episode 6 - Taking Control

- Adora. Chill. - Catra's trauma...wow - honestly I have SO MUCH TO SAY and so little at all. - The ending w Catra joining was so cute and all the Catradora interactions are SENDING ME this is the development I need - "Adora. Stay." MY HEART - thank fuck that chip is gone YAY - Entrapta and Catra making up? Catra saying "Thank you and I'm sorry" her least favourite words -- characters DEVELOPMENT - The way Catra blushed when Adora transformed GIRL YOURE GAY - SHERAS POWER IS TOO MUCH SLAY GIRL - Horde Prime FucK off challenge I hate him - Micah tryna be a father figure? cute - the endING FUCK WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT SPINNERALLA??? POOR NETOSSA

okay but where tf is DT, KYLE, LONNIE AND ROGELIO??

my mum is so tired of me screaming lmaoo

Episode 7 — Perils Of Peekabloo

- Catra just SAT on Adora's lap the PDA is unmatched - We love a filler wow - we literally can't trust anyone this shit sucks - SCORFUMA STANS STAY WINNING - Mermista and Seahawk kinda cute tho (the  heart eyes) - DT I KNEW IT   - CASH KITTEN? EYE—JUST SAY SUGAR MOMMA AND GO - NETOSSA DOESN'T DESERVE THIS - MERMISTA TO - EVERYONE is chipped WTF - DT is a theatre gay through and through   - THEY'RE FUCKED WE'RE FUCKED - NOOOO SCORPIA 😭😭😭 - "I'm the muscle, remember?" - SCORPIA'S POWER, HER REACH, IT'S AMAZING - everything is going downhill FAST - "Happy Anniversary" EYE—😭😭😭😭😭

well that sucked What the fuck we gone do now?

Episode 8 - Shot in the Dark

- The soft smile Catra gave Adora while teasing? love that - loving this new squad - the wAY HER TAIL FLUFFED UP SHES SO SCARED MAN - Wrong Hordak is my main g - the LAUGHING!! THE BLUSHING!! EVERYONE CAN SMELL THE GAY TENSION - omg Catra being the brains of the operation?? yes please - "Catra's first mission" THEY'RE SO OBNOXIOUS I LOVE THEM - "I'm going to kill your friends." "Please don't." we are ASCENDING - Casta? Strike her down anyway please 🙏 - Adora is SO WHIPPED the way she blushed at Catra making the door - "It's such a cute sneeze" BOW KNOWS IT CATRA IS CUTE AND THATS THE TEA - literallyyyy I hate SW GTFO CHALLENGE get OFF my screen 😡 - CATRA WHY DID YOU LUNGE AT THAT THING?? - OMFG MAGICAT?? (Nope dumb bitch) - "I'm coming!" "Hurry." - "I'm sorry. I got angry. It's something I'm working on" ADORA GLOWED AND SAID "You are?" WE LOVE SELF GROWTH AHH - It was Catra's hand OMFG IN THE TRAILER - Adora and cat thing being magic? we love it - MELOG IS SO CUTE and Catra can talk to it?? wowow - they love taking strays lmao - Wrong Hordak's character arc is the best one in the show - CATRA HAS AN IDEA?? YES - Preach Casta shut Weaver up - "That about sums it up, yes." I love them as a team - the hand holding? so cutee Catra don't pretend you're not whipped - oml Glimmer kissing Catra before Adora? EYE— Glitra shippers gonna be so happy at that one moment lmaoo - THEY'RE HOMEEEE

ahhh we're getting close to the end nooo

Episode 9 —An ill Wind

- oh god oh god - Catra is so badass with Melog i LOVE HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL  - having to fight your own wife? that shit sucks - Erelandia? it's free - omg HP is angry asfff - FROSTA CHILL SHE PUNCHED HER HARD - Adora and Catra are soft 🥺 that's all I have to say

Episode 10 — Return to the Fright Zone

- omg are we gonna see Kyle?? Lonnie? Rogelio?? (also nope, stupid hoe) - okay but Netossa getting screentime? YES PLEASE - I love the intro sm ahhhh - also her knowing everyone's weakness? love that shit - ouch Perfuma ouch didn’t have to go so hard on Catra and YET - omg I forgot Bow's dads existed - "Mostly bad memories" 😔😔😔 - competitive gfs for the win - Catra FLEW tho WOW Scorpia is STRONK - the dad jokes are immaculate - "I'm working is being a better friend. That has to count for something right?" - "We don't throw tanks at our friends" sis you don't give flowers to your them at this current time either - "why did I get stuck with the water Princess?" Catra...baby I love you - omg there's a fail safe THANK FUCK I was legit speechless - "There's real power in love and friendship" preACH IT GIRLIE - SCORPIA FIGHT IT YESSS - legit forgot Spinny and Netossa were fighting lmao oof - FINALLY ANGST OVER THE WIVES ARE BACK - omg THE PAN TO ADORA ABOUT BEING VULNERABLE AHHHH - Perfuma is Catra's therapist that's my headcanon - OMFG I FORGOT ABOUT SW FUCK SHIT CATRA BABY IM SORRY

damn I'm stressed out

Episode 11 — Failsafe

- Weaver STFU challenge - them taking about their abuse? we love to see - "We— I could really use your help" KILL ME NOW THEY'RE TOO MUCH - "Not because I like you" she says SMILING - Melog is Catra's affectionate side prove me wrong - Stan Entrapta for clear skin - SW doesn't deserve rights (as per usual) - DONT TOUCH HER BITCH LITERALLYYYY WHYYY - and now She Ra is glitching?? fuck - Catra is so jumpy eye— "Trust Me" MY HEART SBSBDB - Weaver really called her a DISTURBANCE STFU 💀💀💀 - Entrapta and bird horse ftw what a tag team - OMG NO BE CAREFUL - "Did you just jump in fire to save me?" SHE WAS SO SMUG - can SW burn like... now? - "It's none of your business" LITERALLY BUTT OUT  - "Catra, she distracts you, confuses you." WEAVER I FUCKING HATE YOU SM I FUCKING I WILL PUNCH MY SCREEN - Entrapdak being a thing? I do not know how to feel - "Your imperfections are beautiful."  I am.... conflicted - SW doesn't deserve screen time - Catra is an i no cap (I genuinely have no clue what I meant so sorry about that) - i think the fuck not - this episode is so stressful - Catra saving Adora >>>>>>>>> - what an awful reunion for Glimmer damn - "It doesn't always have to be you!" IKR IT SHOULD BE WEAVER - fuck dark magic fuck it all - Catra's upset?? no my baby 🥺 - this whole episode is just traumatising - Adora's heart do be glowing - Catra's LEAVING?? why?? - "What do you want Adora?" - MY HEART BEEN BROKE SO MANY TIMES I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE 😭😭 - omg this time instead of Adora leaving it's Catra (you are a dumbass DUH) - that H U R T S - ADORA TELL HER YEs QUEEN

omg HEART NEXT???

Episode 12 — Heart Part 1

- I am not prepared for this - Adora...baby I'm so sorry - Glimbow moment with a banjo?? that was cute - Adora really is a party popper - "Adora doesn't want me. Not like I want her." AND THAT'S ON LESBIANISM BUT ALSO FUCKING OUCH  - but really Catra...do you really think Adora doesn't want you? girl are youb B L I N D?? - Wrong Hordak is MY GUY - Stan the rebellion for clear skin - NOOO WHAT THE FUCK MY HEART DON'TPLAY WITH ME LIKE THAT THEY NEARLY KISSED AND IT WAS A FUCKING SIMULATION - real Catra be CAREFUL - "We have to warn Adora" YES SIS WARN YOUR GF  - "I thought I could make my own destiny" U STILL CAN SIS - I'm scared I'm fucking scared - my HEART IS BEATINGG FASTT - I really hate Horde Prime uhhhhhhhgg - for once in your sorry life do something good Weaver jfc - "I can't leave her behind again" - BEST FRIEND SQUAD + MELOG YES - "Bow, I love you." GLIMBOW IS BACK ON AHHH - BUT AT WHAT COST??? (literally what am I saying??) - "You deserve love too." AND THAT'S ON PERIODT - Glimmer coming in clutch!! - Mermista and Seahawk do be cute tho - Micah is actually the worst rn wow - "Goodbye, my oldest enemy" CATRA COME QUICK AHH

the last episode....I'm not ready to say goodbye

Episode 13 — Heart Part 2

- ofc this is written by Noelle - "Hey, Adora" MY HEART - "I'll catch up okay? Get to the heart." - SW ACTUALLY DIED?? THANK YOU MY GIRLS CAN HEAL NOW

andd that's as far as I got before freaking the fuck out with everything that was happening onscreen but THE CATRADORA KISS WAS EVERYTHING and the ending was perfect 🥺💖

—

Thank you Crew-Ra, Noelle for making such a beautiful and heartwarming show, this will be remembered for years to come because what this show did was incredible and unlike anything I've ever watched.

[adverb-slut]

To Be Human (Fanfiction) Part 3/?

Gah, this chapter ended up being really long for some reason, again. Anyways, thank you for your suggestions! I definitely will try to incorporate them into future storylines (perhaps the "demons getting arrested" one pretty soon ... y'know, since Mammon exists.) 

Real quick, here are some things to know about all the chapters from here on out:

Every chapter will begin with a Lucifer-Michael flashback, because he will be a really important character later on, and it's good to have a bit of background on him and how he used to be.

Not every chapter will be from Lucifer's perspective. The first three chapters were from his point of view because I thought his was rather neutral (for the most part) and therefore good for setting up all of these scenes. Anyways, yes, all the brothers will definitely get their time to shine in all of the various plotlines in this story.

As per the usual, here is the link for the chapter on AO3.

Title:

To Be Human

Summary:

When a mysterious force attacks the Devildom and destroys it, the brothers are forced to turn to their Father in the Celestial Realm for answers and assistance. However, the Almighty is still miffed at the seven due to their involvement in the Great Celestial War, and sends them to seek asylum in the one place they have yet to make their mark—the Human World.

Without the help of their beloved MC, the brothers must learn to assimilate into this strange new world, all while trying to figure out who is responsible for the destruction of the Devildom and take back their home.

Rating:

T

Word Count:

5003

Previous Chapter:

Read Chapter 2 here!

-

“Oh, Lucifer!” Michael’s voice reverberated through the House of Great Elation’s kitchen.

Lucifer, who had just been burrowing through the ill-stocked cabinets for something to eat, called back, “What now?”

“Look what I’ve got!” Michael exclaimed.  He pranced into the kitchen, holding a blond, baby angel over his head.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow.  Typically, when Father created His angels, they were fully grown, so that as soon as they were birthed, they could immediately begin their duties.  However, sometimes, when He was feeling spontaneous, the Almighty created angels that were mere infants, granting them the greatest gift of all time—the ability to grow up and have a childhood.  

Of course, as angels were infinitely busy creatures, there usually was no one available to parent them, and the baby angels oftentimes were brought up collectively by the entire Celestial Realm—that is, unless a specific angel volunteered to rear them.  

With that, a terrible thought dawned on Lucifer as he watched Michael rifle through the kitchen drawers with the child clinging on his back.

“Michael,” Lucifer began carefully, “why do you have that?”

“He’s cute, right?  A regular cherub!” sung Michael cheerfully, and it was not lost on Lucifer that he had avoided the question.  “Father gave him the name of Luke!”

Lucifer ran a hand down his face.  “Please, don’t tell me you’ve adopted him or something.”

“Then I won’t tell you anything.” Michael beamed.  He wrangled the baby Luke off of his back after procuring a frosted manna cake from the drawer and handing it to him.  

Luke cooed, an enormous, toothless grin growing on his face as he sucked the icing off of the cake.  He pat Michael’s shoulder playfully as if to show his appreciation.  

Lucifer watched, unamused at the interaction.  “Michael.”  The other angel ignored him, utterly absorbed in the baby’s itty bitty socks to pay any attention to his housemate.  “Michael, look at me.  I understand that this infant is cute, but you’re an Archangel—not to mention the General of the Heavenly Legions.  You’re at the barracks or down in the Human World, all day; there’s no way you can take care of a baby.”

Michael stared at Lucifer, his golden eyes widening for maximum cuteness.  “C’mon now, Luci, don’t be such a sourpuss.  Here, you hold him.  Once you see how cute and adorable and perfect he is, you’ll definitely want to keep him, too.”

Lucifer shook his head adamantly at the offer, but Michael wouldn’t take no for an answer and shoved Luke into his arms, anyway.  

He raised an eyebrow at the baby, who just a minute before, had been nursing Michael’s thumb and his cake, giggling happily.  Now, cradled in Lucifer’s arms, the child was silent and stared at him, appearing to size up the older angel.  A moment later, he closed his eyes with a pretentious air, stuck his teeny tiny nose in the air, and magnanimously offered Lucifer his now-soggy manna cake.  

“Thank you,” Lucifer replied stiffly, “but I’ll pass.”  He sighed when the baby hmphed and went back to sucking on his treat.  It appeared that the child wasn’t too fussy, and it especially seemed to get along with Michael.  Nevertheless, could the laid-back Angel of Destruction really be trusted to take care of something so tiny and helpless?  He did have a penchant for accidentally destroying things …   

Michael, who had seen the dubious stare on Lucifer’s face, reasoned, “Don’t look at me like that, Luci.  I’ll bring him to the barracks with me every day, and Simeon even volunteered to watch him on days I have to go down to the Human World!  You won’t even have to see him!”

“The fact that I have to see him isn’t the issue,” Lucifer assured.  He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  Simeon was an infinitely more responsible angel, and knowing that he was looking after Luke, too, was reassuring.  He groaned.  “Fine … I guess you can keep him here in the House of Great Elation.”

The Angel of Destruction clapped his hands gleefully.  “Yes!  You won’t regret it, I prom—” 

However, his celebration was cut short, when Luke, who had realized that he had licked off all the sugary frosting on his manna cake and was left with a sodden biscuit, began wailing.  

Lucifer could only raise an eyebrow as Michael sheepishly whisked the baby away from him, and put a finger over his lips to hush him.  

“Shh!  Shh!”  The angel noticed the offending manna cake in Luke’s hand and his eyes lit up.  “Oh, so you like sweets, do you?”  He perched the baby over his shoulder and began to walk out the door.  “Well, here, I’ll take you to Simeon’s—he makes this amazing dessert called ‘Simeon Rolls.”  They’re like spirals of baked dough with, like, an absolutely divine cinnamon filling and they’re covered in this icing stuff that you seem to like so much!  We kind of lost the recipe to humans—they’re dumb and took his name out of the title and call them “Cinnamon Rolls,” but the original Celestial Realm recipe is …”�� His voice trailed off as the door shut behind him. 

Lucifer shook his head and smiled, turning back to pilfer once again through the cabinets for a snack.  Perhaps it was good that Luke had found Michael.  

After all, this child seemed to be one of the first angels who weren’t absolutely petrified of the Angel of Destruction. 

-

“God is dead,” Asmodeus glowered, “because I’m going to kill Him.”

Satan cleared his throat.  “In that case, God will be dead, since you haven’t killed Him yet.”  He stared at the structure before them and frowned.  “But let me know when you do, because I want in on that action, too.”

“A hovel!” Mammon wailed. “He wants us to live in a hovel!”

Lucifer shook his head at his brothers’ tendency to overdramatize things.  However, as he turned his head to the house that their Father had chosen for them, he decided that for once, maybe, their theatrics were warranted.

The edifice that stood before them was paltry, compact—almost shoebox-like—with no decorative (or even functional) exterior furnishings that could draw anyone’s attention.  It was if the house, too, was ashamed of its meagerness, and had tucked itself away to be as inconspicuous as possible.  Lucifer would have been less surprised had this building been a stable for his Father’s Royal Steeds, rather than a home for seven adult males.  

“You’re sure that this is the place?” Lucifer raised an eyebrow at Simeon, who had been relieved of his duties for a spell to deliver the brothers to their new home in the Human World.

Simeon nodded sheepishly.  “Yes, this is it.”  He read the address from the paper of information that Father had given him, before slipping it into his pocket.  “35 West Orville Court, Cedar Bridge, Wisconsin.”

Leviathan scratched his head.  “Please tell me that we’re somewhere in Japan.  It’d be so cool to actually live in the country that some of my favorite anime and manga took place.”

“Unfortunately, no, Levi,” Simeon apologized.  “We’re actually in the United States of America.”

Lucifer sighed.  “It doesn’t matter where we are.  What matters right now is that there’s no way that all seven of us can share that small of a house.”  The other demons chorused their agreement.    

While he most certainly loved his brothers, he shuddered at the prospect of living in such close quarters with them.  Back in the massive House of Lamentation, everyone was usually off doing their own thing; the only time they convened as a family was to eat meals.  If this house was really as small as it appeared on the outside, then he would have to see his brothers with sickening regularity (perhaps “sickening” was a strong word, but …).

“I’m hungry,” Beel muttered.  “Is there any food inside?”

Simeon looked thoughtful.  “I’m not sure, but since we’re going to have to go inside anyway, let’s go check.”  

“I can’t wait to see if the inside matches the outside in sheer stupidity,” said Belphie, rolling his eyes as the group followed Simeon to the dull gray front door of the house.

The seven demons and angel huddled at the entrance, where Simeon fiddled with his pocket until he procured a single key.  He handed it to Lucifer.  “You’re the oldest.  You do the honors.”

Lucifer blanched.  Only one key?  The first order of business was definitely going to a locksmith to get copies made.  Shaking his head, he took the key, inserted it into the lock, and turned, revealing unto them the inside of the house that their Father had “graciously” granted them.  

As soon as he saw the interior, his eye twitched, and he had nothing to say but, “Who would like to go back to the Celestial Realm and kill a god for me?”

Ignoring the chorus of “me’s,” that came from the group, Simeon shook his head and spread his hand over the entrance.  “Don’t condemn it before you’ve set a foot inside!  Here, let’s take a tour.  And try not to judge the décor too harshly—some of the Junior Guardian Angels were in charge of the design and they were on a budget.” 

“No kiddin.’” Mammon grumbled as Simeon led them across the threshold.  “This place is the pits.”

Lucifer had to agree.  The interior of the house from where he could see was sparsely furnished and the yellowish-white of the amenities gave everything a dingy air.

No sooner had they all stepped into the orange-carpeted entryway—which was so small that it could hardly fit the eight of them—Simeon took a sharp right.

“Since you mentioned you were hungry, Beel, this is the kitchen.”  Simeon gestured around the tiny room.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow.  This was it?  There was barely enough room for two people to stand comfortably, and there were hardly any appliances: simply a stove and a refrigerator, which Beel immediately rushed to.

“This is the smallest fridge I’ve ever met,” Beel sighed.  His frown grew even deeper as he pulled the door open, revealing it to be completely empty.  He looked down at his growling stomach, a fire raging in his eyes.  “Father will pay.” 

“Oh dear, I figured that’d be the case.  It looks like you seven are going to have to do your first round of human grocery shopping soon,” mused Simeon, looking at the unfilled fridge.  “But more on that later.  In the meantime,” he pulled out from his pocket another manna cake for Beel, “here you go.”

Beel stared at the angel dreamily as he took the cake.  “Do you always keep those on you?”

Simeon merely laughed as he walked deeper into the kitchen, which opened up to a dining room of sorts.  Lucifer assumed that the room had been built for a smaller table rather than the massive one that could seat the seven of them which resided in it now.  He wrinkled his nose at the water-stained wood that they were to dine on and the understuffed yellow cushions that adorned the dining chairs.

After several scathing remarks on the abysmal state of the décor from Asmo, Simeon led the group past the petite dining room into the living area.

“At least there’s a computer.”  Levi pointed to a laptop that sat on a comically enormous desk and shook his head sadly.  “Although I don’t think it’s the kind you can game on.”

Next to the desk were two mismatching sofas that looked as if they’d been plucked out of the Victorian era, and across from them was a dark brown TV stand with an old, boxy TV.

“What year do those Junior Guardians think it is?” Satan demanded, poking the television suspiciously.  “Half of this stuff belongs in a different century!”

“Like I said,” Simeon replied sheepishly.  “They were on a budget.  Come on, now, let’s go see the rest of the house.”

“I don’t know if I wanna,” muttered Mammon.  “‘Cause if it’s anythin’ like what we just saw, it’s gonna be C-R-A-P—crap.”

Lucifer silently agreed with the secondborn as Simeon now took them down a hall attached to the living room.  On the right side of the hallway was a single door, which Simeon explained to them was a closet.  To the left were two more doors, one of which was a paltry laundry room (it simply consisted of a washing machine and a dryer stacked atop each other) and the other, a bathroom.  

Asmodeus screamed when he saw the smallness of it, and there was a collective tantrum when Simeon said that it was the only bathroom in the house and that they would all have to share it.  

The biggest offender of the house was the room that haunted the end of the hall—the bedroom. 

 Singular.

“How nice of the Junior Guardians to line up seven twin beds for all of us,” Belphie deadpanned.

Lucifer blanched.  From the outside, he had known that the house was small, but not so small that all seven brothers would have to share a room.  

He’d always accredited the seminormal peace in the House of Lamentation to the fact that each brother had had their own space, whether it be to cool off from an argument in, or just relax and take some time for themself.  In this house, there was no such space, and he could already envision the cesspool of conflict that their home would become.

“I’d rather live in the burning Tartarus that is the Devildom than here,” Satan decided.

Lucifer nodded.  “I know that we’re supposed to be demons, but Father is the real demon for expecting us to live in this shed.”

“I say,” said Mammon, “that we go back to the Devildom, anyway, and see if the House of Lamentation is still standin.’” 

Simeon shook his head.  “Going back to the Devildom is impossible right now.  Because of this whole mess, Father’s shut down the border indefinitely.”

“Well, tell Him that we’re not staying here,” growled Asmodeus.  “We’re just going to have to get a bigger house.”

Again, Simeon shook his head.  “Don’t you see?  Father chose this place on purpose.”

“And what kind of purpose would that be?” snapped Belphie.  “To torture us?”

Simeon let out a body-shaking groan.  “Everyone, please sit down.”  He walked over to the dining table, and the brothers followed him begrudgingly.  “Take a seat.”

“These chairs aren’t too comfy,” Beel noticed, shifting back and forth in his seat.

“No kiddin,’” agreed Mammon.  “My poor rear end!” 

Leviathan rolled his eyes.  “You guys are weak!  I’ve sat in gaming chairs far less comfortable than this for hours! ”

“Why is he proud of this?” whispered Satan to Asmo.

Before Levi could snark a reply,  Lucifer hushed them by clearing his throat.  “If I recall, Simeon had something important to tell us.”  He gestured toward the angel, who nodded and pulled out the letter he had earlier from his pocket, as well as an envelope.  

“So first and foremost, I need you seven to fill out these forms.”  From the envelope, Simeon procured seven folded sheets of paper and handed them, as well as a pen to Lucifer.  “It’s just some information about your human persona.  From that, the Celestial Realm will have bank accounts and credit cards opened in your name, as well as ID cards made.  There’s only one pen—sorry—so, Lucifer, why don’t you just fill everything out?  We’ll start with that.”

“Okay,” said Lucifer, pulling out a form.  The first line asked for his “full legal name.”  As he was about to pen down, “Lucifer,” Simeon stopped him.

“Lucifer isn’t a common name in the Human World,” Simeon said.  “Perhaps just write ‘Lucius.’  That name is also not incredibly common, but at least it won’t get you as many strange looks.  And maybe as your surname put … eh—I’m not sure, actually.  You all need to have the same last name, so I suggest doing that last.”

Lucifer nodded and wrote what the angel suggested down.  The next few questions were simple—his height, his weight, allergies, blood type, medical conditions, and the like.  He filled out the form with ease and handed it to Simeon.  “Now for yours, Mammon.”  

The secondborn demon nodded.  “I want my name to be written down as ‘The Great Mammon.’”

After a round of groans from the demons, Simeon laughed and said, “Again, that’s not a human name—or at least, not an American one.”  Simeon rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  “What about ‘Marvin?’  It kind of sounds like ‘Mammon.’”

Mammon groaned.  “Ugh, that’s gotta be one of the lamest names, ever.  Why do I gotta have a name that sounds like ‘Mammon,’ anyways?”

Lucifer could see the logic behind the name, and answered, “That way, if we ever have to go out in public, it’ll be easier for us to remember what our ‘human name’ is if it sounds like our demon one.”

“Not that it matters for Mammon, ‘cause who’d want to go out in public with him, anyway?” snickered Asmo. 

Mammon, whose face had turned a beet red, shook his fist at his brother and reached over the table toward him.  “Wait ‘till I get my hands on you, Asmo, I’m gonn— ”

“—And now it’s Levi’s turn!” announced Simeon cheerfully.  “I suggest just keeping his name as ‘Levi,’ as that’s not too uncommon in this realm.”

Leviathan’s bottom lip trembled.  “You—you mean I can’t have a cool Japanese name like, like, Sasuke or—or—Ichigo?”

Lucifer stifled a smile as Simeon put his hand on Levi’s shoulder and said, “There, there.  Think about it, Levi; ‘Sasuke’ and ‘Ichigo’ don’t sound much like your real name, do they?  Why not make it easier on your brothers to remember and just keep your name as is?”

Leviathan consented by putting his hands over his face, muttering, “Why did I have to be named ‘Levi?’”

Lucifer pat his shoulder consolingly before flipping to the next sheet.  “Okay, Satan, your turn.”

The fourthborn demon crossed his arms and simply answered, “I’m keeping my name as ‘Satan.’  I’m not ashamed of it and don’t think it's necessary to assume an identity that I don’t have.”

Simeon smiled tolerantly.  “‘Nathan,’ it is.”

Satan’s face turned an unholy shade of red as he opened his mouth to berate the angel, but Lucifer cut in smoothly, “‘Nathan’ is good—sounds like ‘Satan.’  Next is Asmo.”

“I—I’m not goi—I refuse—no … ‘Nathan?!’” was all Satan could screech before Asmo chirped, “I’d like to be called ‘Adonis.’”  When the group simply stared at him, he gestured toward Levi, rolling his eyes.  “Oh, like ‘Sasuke’ was any better.  At least mine makes sense!”  He flipped his hair.  “I am the handsome Adonis of this group, after all.”

Satan, who had yet to recover from being given his new human name, darkly muttered, “Hopefully you get gutted by a wild boar like your namesake, as well.”

Ignoring Satan’s spiel, Simeon and Lucifer shared a look, before the eldest demon shrugged and wrote Asmo’s name of choice down.

Simeon turned toward Beelzebub and Belphegor.  “I’m sorry.  At the moment I can’t think of any human names that are similar to yours.”  He pointed behind them to the computer table.  “Perhaps you’d like to look some names up?  The internet is already connected—simply click the red-green-yellow circle icon and a screen with a search bar should pop up.”  

As the two meandered off to find suitable names for themselves, Simeon took the other forms that Lucifer had already filled out and reviewed them.  He nodded before handing them all back to him  “These look good, but Lucifer, you need to change all these allergies—more than half of the foods and plants listed here are all from the Devildom.  And ‘regurgitated by a giant sea monster pet and experiences minor movement issues’ has to go.  Getting eaten by a Kraken isn’t something most humans would live through, much less survive long enough to experience medical issues from.”

"It's a real issue!" Leviathan pouted.  "It's the only reason I'm bad at sports, I swear!"

Lucifer nodded, ignoring his brother.  He’d filled out dozens of forms for his brothers back in the Devildom, and he had just written in the information on these sheets as he had then.  He hadn’t stopped to think that not only would the names have to be adjusted to fit human standards, but the actual data, as well. 

As he took the papers back from Simeon, the angel raised an eyebrow and added, “And I’d change your and everyone else’s birthdays, as well.  While June sixth is a fine date of birth, the year ‘when the universe was first spoken into being’ isn’t … entirely possible for a human.”

“Then what year are we s'posed to put, then?” Mammon asked, holding up his hands in confusion.  “Besides Satan, we were all born around that time.”

Simeon hummed thoughtfully.  “Subtract thirty years from the current year and then choose from that range a birthyear that symbolizes which order you were ‘born’ in.”

“I see.”  Lucifer kind of wanted to ask the angel how exactly old he thought he looked when he chose the number thirty but decided to not put him on the spot, considering how helpful he was being.  He corrected the last of the completed documents and turned to Beel and Belphie, who were still huddled over the laptop screen.  “If you two aren’t done yet, I’m coming over there.”

“It’s okay, I’ve made my decision,” Beel said.  He turned to his brothers and announced, “My human name should be ‘Oreo.’”

A buzz of agreement went up from the seven demons, but Simeon stared at the group with a confused air.  “‘Oreo?’  I’m not sure that’s a human name.  In fact, I believe it’s a brand of cookie, as well as a common name for pets.”

Beel shook his head.  “It can’t be.  I typed in ‘good names’ in the search bar and that’s one of the names that showed up.”  

“And it looks like the computer auto-populated your search with ‘good names for dogs, ’” Levi, who had meandered over to the twins, read off of the computer.

“Aw, Beel, you’re just a great big puppy dog, aren’t ya?” Mammon laughed.

Beel looked down and muttered, “I didn’t know it was a dog name.”  He turned back to the screen to do another search and read one of the first names that popped up.  “How about … ‘Eli?’”

Asmo nodded.  “It has the same long e sound as ‘Beelzebub.’”

“‘Eli’ it is, then,” Lucifer decided, writing down the name.  He looked up at the seventhborn demon.  “And you, Belphie?”

“I don’t want any stupid human name,” Belphie said defiantly, staring at his eldest brother in challenge.

Lucifer put his palm to his face.  Why did he always intend to be so difficult?  “If you don’t choose a name, Belphegor, I’ll choose for you.”  When Belphie didn’t respond, Lucifer turned to Simeon.  “What’s the worst human name you can think of?”

“Any normal name spelled with ‘e-i-g-h,’” Simeon answered immediately.  

Lucifer nodded.  “That sounds terrible.”  He penned it down as Belphegor’s first name and turned to the rest of the group.  “It’s time to choose a surname.”

“How about LuciferNeedsToDie?” suggested Belphie, who glowered at the firstborn.

Satan grinned deviously.  “I second that.”

“I’ll agree to it only if we change it to LuciferIsAnEvilLord,” said Levi.

Lucifer shot his brothers a look.  “If you continue to talk like that, I’ll show you just how much of an ‘evil lord’ I can really be.”

“I have a suggestion,” Beel announced, still scrolling through the computer.  “Maybe a good last name would be ‘Daemon.’  It means ‘demon’ in Latin.”  

Lucifer tested the word on his tongue.  “‘Daemon.’  I like it.”

“A little obvious,” admitted Simeon, “but it’s not the worst.”  He took the last of the forms Lucifer handed him and the brothers watched in interest as he pulled out a few more items from the envelope.  “A few last things before I go.”  He handed Lucifer a shiny black card, pointedly ignoring the dreamy look Mammon gave it.  “This is my personal debit card for when I’m in the Human World.  It’s currently loaded with five hundred dollars for you seven to buy groceries for yourselves.”

“Five hundred?” Mammon exclaimed, his tan face paling.  “That’s not gonna buy as anythin!’”  

Asmodeus’ brow furrowed in worry.  “For once, I agree with the scumbag.  We’d be lucky to get even a cheap bottle of hand lotion.”

Lucifer shook his head.  His Father had said that He’d send them “provisions,” but he supposed that he should’ve known that Father wouldn’t be much help.  He felt the pit of anger in his stomach grow; how incredibly typical of the Almighty.  How in the world were the brothers supposed to make ends meet with this meager an amount of money?

“Please don’t spend my money on hand lotion, Asmo,” Simeon pleaded.  “It’s for food only, right now.  And don’t worry, lambs, the only reason why it appears I’ve given so little is that U.S dollars are worth a lot more than Grimm.  One dollar is equivalent to twenty thousand Grimm.” 

“So … essentially you’ve given us ten million Grimm?” Satan asked, his eyes widening.  “Simply for groceries?”

“Are you crazy?” Belphegor demanded.  “That’s not going to feed Beel for very long.”

Beel nodded in agreement.  “It’s true.”

“See, we in the Celestial Realm knew that your group of seven would have quite a few expenses, which is why Father chose for you such a small house.  He’s already paid for it so all you need to pay is property taxes and utilities, both of which will be quite low in a house this small in suburban Wisconsin.  That way, once you begin to start working and making money, as little of your income as possible will go toward the house.”  Simeon pushed the debit card closer toward Lucifer, who pocketed it before Mammon could snatch it.  “Father trusted you seven enough that you’d be able to find your way in this world, so the five hundred dollars is simply a gift from me.”’

Lucifer raised an eyebrow.  Could it really be that their Father had had their best interests at heart in assigning them this hovel?

The brothers sat in silence for a moment at Simeon’s words, before Asmo wondered, “Okay, I get the whole I-made-My-sons-live-in-an-actual-shack part, but if Father’s so amazing and wonderful, why doesn’t He make us live in an actually nice house, considering He’s supposed to be the ‘King of Kings’ and can do whatever He wants?”

“And how come he’s not actually supportin’ us?  Financially, I mean,” added Mammon.

Simeon laughed.  “Would you have accepted His help if He had?”

“Absolutely not.”  There wasn’t a note of hesitation in Lucifer’s voice.  His animosity toward his Father had subsided somewhat during this whole debacle but he would never forget the Almighty’s unfeeling and dead eyes as He hurled him and his siblings out of the Celestial Realm.

“I expected as much,” said Simeon, nodding.  “Anyways, here, taking Beel into account, I’ve composed a list of cheap but healthy grocery items to buy when you go shopping.  Some of the ingredients are already ones you’ve used in the Devildom, but there are some delicious new ones for you to try, as well.  Additionally, later in the week, I’ll come by and drop off an estimate of all the bills you’ll have to pay, as well as the credit and ID cards I promised earlier.”

“Simeon, how is it that you’re so knowledgeable of things in the Human World?” asked Satan.  “I thought all you did nowadays was guard the gates.”

Simeon smiled sadly.  “Back when I was an Archangel, I’d come down here, posing as a human, to direct and advise my little lambs.”  He gestured toward the debit card, which stuck out of Lucifer’s pocket.  “I’ve kept in touch with all the trends and changes going on in this world, should … Father ever reinstate unto me my former position.”

Out of respect for Simeon, the group bowed their heads and maintained silence for several moments, before Lucifer spoke up.  “Regardless of your status, thank you for helping us through this change, Simeon.  We’re all very grateful.” He turned toward his brothers with a stern look.  “Aren’t we?”

“Oh, yeah, totally,” Mammon began, and the other five chorused their agreement.

“You’re very welcome.” The angel beamed.  He handed Lucifer the prospective grocery list, as well as another sheet of paper.  “This is simply a record of some potential jobs for the seven of you to take up, as well as some phone numbers to call.”

Simeon began to walk out the door, leaving the brothers to their own devices, but before he could shut the door behind him, Belphegor called out, “Wait—how are we gonna call those numbers?  I’m gonna assume our D.D.Ds don’t pick up any human cell service and besides, they’re all dead, and we didn’t get a chance to pack their chargers.”

The angel’s smile was strangely cryptic as he replied, “Ah, I almost forgot to mention.  Your mobile phones will be coming later in the week.  For now, use the landline that’s on the desk.  As for cell service—and internet also—it’s being provided and paid for by the Celestial Realm’s own private company.”  Without another word, he shut the door behind him.  

“Huh,” Mammon said.  “The Celestial Realm goin’ capitalist.  Never thought I’d see the day.”

Satan rubbed his chin.  “It’s pretty nice that they’ve decided to give us all that free of charge.”  He paused for effect.  “Almost too nice.”

“Guys,” Levi began, biting his nails nervously, “did anyone consider the fact that because the Celestial Realm’s gonna be providing us with their own internet and cell service that they might be able to spy on us?”

Lucifer’s eyes widened at the realization.

That … was a terrifyingly real possibility.  

He groaned.  Just when he thought his Father had relinquished some of His control-freak tendencies.  

[onisiondrama]

Onision: IRL EP: 2 - Onision’s Response videos summary Part 2

“Onision Debunks Adrienne Mention in Discovery+ Documentary Using Her Apology Letter & Last Contact” (3 of 8)

Starts with a clip from the documentary. Shiloh says she found out James was dating a girl. They show a clip from the video “I Found Her” where James announces to his audience he is dating Adrienne. Text on screen says “Adrienne has lived in fear of Greg ever since she had a brief relationship with him when she was 26.” James says that’s not true. He shows the email she sent him in 2012 after he and Shiloh broke up for the last time. He points out she says she owes him an apology, she compares her exes who cheated to Shiloh, she sympathizes with him and says his feelings are valid, she admits he broke up with her, he points out she apologized multiple times in the email, she says they wronged each other equally in the relationship, she blames her treatment of him on being broken, she says she had no malicious intent, she wishes him well.

I knew this one was coming. He’s been using this email against Adrienne for years. I’ll reply a little further down.

He also shows an email from Shiloh sent months after they broke up (July 2012) saying she is really proud of him and his video quality. He says they haven't interacted since.

Again, there were years where Shiloh was trying to be civil toward James. She wouldn’t speak negatively about him online. He was the aggressor online and would being her up constantly in videos to bash her.

He reads his reply to Adrienne, saying he could have acted more maturely. She replies and says she’s moving to Seattle. James asks if she was in fear of him, why was she telling him she was moving to Seattle? He points out she said he was a good person in her reply. He says that was the last time they had a conversation, so she would have not have any more interactions to change her opinion of him. She gives him her phone number and offers her friendship in the email. He says Discovery + is once again publishing a lie.

Ok so, James and Adrienne only dated for three weeks, but he relentlessly attacked her online for months after it ended. On social media, in videos. After their short email exchange, James uploads a video titled “Onision- TOTAL VICTORY” where he makes similar points to above and concludes he was the good one in the relationship. Adrienne replied to this video on social media. This is the part James always leaves out. She says she sent that email in an attempt to get him to stop talking about her online and she regretted sending the email because of the way he distorts it. She also points out he was the one who begged her back after they broke up, so she was the one who rejected him. She went over almost all of his points, so you can read her full reply here.

I believe that was the last thing Adrienne ever said online about James. I believe her claim that she has been living in fear of him. He attacked her viciously online.

He asks if they are trying to frame him as someone who goes after people who are young, why do they include someone who was 26? He says their story doesn’t add up.

Why does James call his father a pedophile if he is married to a full grown women? That logic is so dumb.

Besides, the relationships he started with women in their 20′s is nothing to brag about. The longest one was Adrienne and that only lasted 3 weeks with break-ups in-between. The other was one week and the last was like a day or two.  They were all utter and complete trainwrecks.

“Ex Admits She Was Always An Anti-O & Shiloh Gets Caught Lying on Onision Documentary” (4 of 8)

A narrator reads a portion of Adrienne’s leaked email about her relationship with James. Adrienne says she watched James’ relationship drama with Shiloh online and realized she “had a crush on this person who I absolutely loved to hate.” James says she admitted to hating him. He says it’s psychotic to date someone you hate.

Ahhhh. For years James would say Adrienne admitted on his forums that she was a hater / anti-o before they dated. I had no idea what he was talking about and he never showed proof. This must have been where that came from. It never clicked for me because whenever I read her email, I always read it as she like to hate watch Shiloh and James. Not that she was like enraged by him or was actively a “hater.”

I could totally see how someone in that time period could have started off as a hate watcher but then sympathize with him and develop a crush on him. At that point, the only public relationships he had were with Skye and Shiloh. Skye had not come out and said anything negative about him and Shiloh had gone back to Canada after her mental breakdown. We didn’t even know for sure if James divorced Skye for Shiloh at this point because we didn’t have solid dates for anything yet.

It was apparent there was something off about James, but there was not a lot of evidence that he was abusive at this point. Most people assumed the memory loss video and the mental breakdown video were faked by Shiloh and James for views. If they were real, it seemed as if Shiloh was severely mentally ill and they were caught up in an incredibly toxic relationship. At that time, James used to upload a lot of extremely manipulative sad and crying videos. He came off as someone who yes- overshared, had a big ego, and was unhealthy in relationships, but at the core he came off as a hopeless romantic. I think this is also what attracted Kai to James during this time as well.

The narrator continues reading Adrienne’s email. Adrienne says James made asinine statements like if you really loved someone, you would give up everything to be with them. James asks how is that as asinine statement? He says she’s making fun of him for being a loving person. Adrienne says she put down her bag and he instantaneously started making out with her. She says he did not rape her. James says it’s nice she said there was no crime.

Chris Hansen says Adrienne decided James was too crazy and maniacal to deal with. James says he’s the one who broke up with her. He says he’s confused and they should get their facts straight.

James broke up with Adrienne, but then he begged her back. She’s the one that rejected him. Adrienne even had the voicemails to prove it.

Shiloh says she slipped back into a relationship. James says she didn’t mention she faked a pregnancy to come back. Shiloh says she went back because she felt like she had some issues to work out and she needed to become a better person. James puts this on screen:

Shiloh says she felt very jealous of the other girl he was with. James laughs and asks if they are talking these people seriously? He sarcastically says, he’s so abusive so I want to get back with him because I was jealous of the girl he was with. Shiloh says she felt the need to reclaim her ground. James says i.e. her territory, her control over his life. “and they say I’m the controlling one.”

Shiloh says he bought her a ticket back to Seattle. James uses an email to prove he actually flew her to L.A. He says she was full grown adult who lied about her pregnancy to get back with him. He shows one of the emails she sent him to try to get him back. In the email, she says she was living on the streets and was raped. She begs for his help and promises to never get in his way and to give him all the money she had. She says she would never let him live on the streets. James says he called her to see if she was okay and it turned out she was lying about that too.

Shiloh says she was overwhelmed with the fantasy feelings of having a ring on her finger. James says this is after she threatened to destroy his life. He says after that video, she agreed to get engaged to him. He show images from one of the last videos they made together and sarcastically says “that’s us not having fun together.”

They show a clip from “The Truth Hurts, But So Do Your Lies.” In the clip, James says Shiloh was allegedly pregnant with their child. He tells her to let people know the truth. He says he doesn’t want this to somehow end with her being the good person in all this. Modern day James says they don’t include that she was accused of sleeping with someone before she flew out to be with him again. He says the timing of the pregnancy was off so he didn’t know for sure if the baby was his. He says when the doula said she was pregnant, she was only back for 5 or 6 weeks tops.

He googles Rogue and reads it was the made up child of Shiloh and Greg’s. He said the fetus was real, but the photo was not. He says once again Discovery + including things out of context.

He’s mixing up the events. The photo was uploaded to Shiloh’s Facebook before they found out they were pregnant. It’s believed Shiloh uploaded it because she did not want to admit to the internet she made up a pregnancy in order to manipulate James into getting back together with her. Their real pregnancy and miscarriage happened after.

[thegrimzuera]

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down into a real-life, real BAD fanfic.

So for the sake of privacy, we’ll say that my name is Zoe. I was raised in heteronormative, Midwestern suburbia. Now for the most part I adore my family and I loved my childhood, but in this case it did not work to my advantage. You see, nobody ever told me I could be gay. Just slipped their minds, I guess. Oops? So for most of my adolescence I walked around like a chump, thinking I was straight. I mean, straight people, you do you! It just didn’t work for me. That in and of itself is Bad Fanfic Trope #1.

I dated this guy on and off throughout high school. We’ll call him Chad. I liked Chad quite a bit. He was nerdy and we had nice conversations. For some reason we just couldn’t click well enough to maintain our relationship long enough that it became permanent (hint: because I was GAY...!). Honestly, we don’t even need to dwell on Chad that much. He’d be the least important part of this story if it weren’t for the fact that during one of our “off again” phases, he met and fell right in love with a person who we’ll dub Sarah.

Here’s where it gets juicy.

Now I’d never met her, but everyone said that Sarah was just like me—but cooler. We were both cute little emo girls, we both liked anime and weird music, and we both for some unknown reason liked Chad. Sarah also had this really amazing accent because she had moved to the states from Wales. All of Chad’s friends called her “British Zoe.” Come to think of it, that title made me a little bitter towards Sarah, and if Sarah ever heard about it, it may have contributed to her feeling bitter towards me too. Of course, being directed to compete over Chad didn’t help.

So Chad dated Sarah for a while, but it was fine, because Chad and I were going to stay friends like the mature 18-year-olds we were. Even though I was still insanely jealous of this mysterious and unattainably cool Sarah person. It was during this time that I figured I liked girls (and boys, I still thought) and as I was toying with the idea of telling Chad about my newly discovered bisexuality, he informed me that Sarah had also come out as bi. Interesting, isn’t it? 👀

I had the opportunity to meet Sarah once. We all went to an anime convention together, and I distinctly remember taking a deep breath beforehand and deciding that this was the day Sarah and I would become friends. There was no need for me to be jealous! If she was as cool as everyone said, then imagine how great a friendship would be. But I was shy. And she was shy. And we had all that baggage between us. I went home that day feeling alienated and disappointed.

Now things began to get messy, because conflicting feelings often do that. I’ll spare you the ugly details, but tell you that my friendship with Chad ended quite abruptly when I discovered that he’d been juggling both Sarah and I romantically at the same time. So I split, made a life for myself 50 miles away, and that was that.

Except it wasn’t. Fast forward about six years—one marriage, one child, one mental breakdown and revelation, and a divorce later. I moved back to my hometown, and one night I walked down the winter streets on the East side with a good friend of mine. I didn’t often come to these parts because I was raised on the opposite side of the city and it was unfamiliar to me. This was actually the first time I’d been here in about...hmm, six years? But one coincidence is all it takes I suppose.

As we walked along, I happened to glance into the front window of a restaurant just off the sidewalk. I had to do a double take, because there was no way that after six years and only one meeting I would immediately recognize...Sarah? Also Chad 😒 I did not say hello. I didn’t know what to do at all! After a mini meltdown, I decided that the best thing I could do was to reach out to Chad on social media.

In truth, I’d wished over the years that I could repair my friendship with Chad—wished that things had played out differently. If we all hadn’t been so dumb, maybe I wouldn’t have lost that friendship. To my great surprise, Chad was very friendly when I reached out. We arranged a time to meet up for coffee, and for several hours we talked and reconciled everything that had happened. We caught up on life, and Chad said that I should hang out with him and his friends—and Sarah—sometime.

I remember the first time I got to spend time with Sarah. It was shortly after that first coffee that Chad, Sarah, and I went to a local pinball bar to play and have drinks. We got together to play board games and have dinner around that time as well. In both instances, I was floored by Sarah’s kindness to me. Despite both of us being rather quiet by nature, we had easy conversation. I also remember feeling like such a dork in comparison. Me and my carefully curated outfits and sculpted hair were overdone and pretentious when compared to Sarah’s shaved head and relaxed wardrobe of black tank tops and some of the coolest pants I’ve ever seen. It was all so effortless for her.

Damn, I wanted so badly to be her friend! Chad kept encouraging me that Sarah thought I was really cool too, but I just didn’t believe it. When I learned that Chad would be moving out of state, I realized I had to stake my claim on Sarah’s friendship fast.

We all got together at Sarah’s new apartment for potentially one last time. Merely stepping foot into this place had my desire to be a part of Sarah’s world skyrocketing. The apartment sat on the East side of town, less than a hundred feet from the very restaurant window where I’d first saw her. It was on the upper level of an old, hipster coffee shop for goodness sake. If I didn’t want to be friends with Sarah just to be friends with her, I certainly wanted to For The Aesthetic.

That night I also met the person we’ll call Katie. This was Sarah’s new roommate. I could just tell as we interacted that evening that something good would come of this. At least, I hoped so. I largely contribute my lasting friendship with Sarah to Katie’s presence, because Katie has such a way about them. They can take even the most shy and awkward folks like me and get them laughing like fools. A little alcohol may have helped as well.

I lamented that night about how lonely I had been, and I did so out loud. That really should be embarrassing, but I’m nothing but grateful for my clumsy and pathetic tongue, because it allowed Sarah to open her mouth and invite me into her life.

“You can be my friend,” she offered earnestly. “Once Chad leaves I won’t really know what to do with myself, so you’re welcome here any time. I mean it!”

And hot damn, was I going to take her up on that. I came home that night absolutely elated. I had found a place to belong. I wrote songs and poetry about how happy I was. I told my parents how happy I was. I had never felt so hopeful, right down to the tips of my fingers. Flowers could have grown straight from my chest that night.

A week or so later, I had plans to have dinner with Sarah, Katie, and another friend of theirs, Rose. I was growing connections. That was also the week that I discovered Sarah and Chad had broke up because of some deeply rooted trash-bag tendencies he’d been revealed to have. We won’t go into that, but Chad was out of the picture, and somehow that raised the stakes. I had no training wheels now, not even in the form of an out-of-state buddy who could encourage me that Sarah truly did want my friendship.

Fortunately, what came to be on that evening with the three almost-strangers was the beginnings of the most instantaneous, wild, and addictive friendship of my life. We talked about everything. We discussed heartbreak, joy, pain, existence as a whole. We sat on a rooftop deck and gazed at the stars, and we immediately planned a get together for the following night where we would meet Lena and Emma, and our core group of instant best friends would be complete.

I can only describe this friendship as a whirlwind romance. These were the true loves of my life, and it had all started with laying eyes on Sarah by means of coincidence or fate that night in the winter—after years of tension and competition! Talk about an Enemies to Friends arc.

But I’m not even done yet.

As I mentioned, our little group became inseparable. We spent all of our time together and poured more energy into our friendship than I had ever given or been given by another adult person. I learned that these people were the coolest to ever exist, and that they thought I was cool too. I finally l believed it, because they wouldn’t allow me to doubt. This was a fierce love.

For some reason, with all this fierce love, I always found myself dying to get closer to Sarah. Closer and closer yet. I also felt particularly protective of my friendship with her. I think this had everything to do with the fact that our friendship was so ill-fated and had been thwarted many times before. I promised myself that I would never let anything or anyone come between us. Sarah was my number one concern.

You can see where this was going.

Bad Fanfic Trope #2: Enemies to Friends [to Lovers]

Now let me just take a pause in our literary journey to tell you some of the reasons I fell for Sarah. Consider this a montage of sorts:

For being a very shy, very introverted person, Sarah lives loudly. She’s the one to show up in the most fabulous, effortlessly cool outfit you’ve ever seen. We once went on a walk to the park with mine and Emma’s kids—Sarah wore black leather hammer pants. She has about ten thousand pairs of black boots, each one unique and quietly elaborate. She just exists this way, never looking like she tries too hard or had to even put thought into her appearance. She just is.

Sarah also loves to dance. And she’s good at it. This was another thing that surprised me, I suppose because I figured that as a self-proclaimed awkward person like myself, she would be too timid to dance. But Sarah can and will dance to anything. Sarah will dance in silence. Sarah also knows and loves every song known to humankind. I’m talking tens of thousands of songs—she knows the lyrics, the albums, the artists, and probably the life stories of said artists.

Sarah is an artist herself. She draws, paints, and does pottery. For my birthday, she threw me the first party I’d had since my absolute failure of a sweet sixteen (in and around eight years prior), baked me the most delicious lavender cupcakes I’ve ever tasted (oh yes! Sarah also is a master in the kitchen!), and gave me the coolest, trippiest, handmade cup. It is my favorite cup. I would probably murder if this cup asked me to.

Most importantly, Sarah is the most kind, gracious, emotionally intelligent person I know. I’ve always been astounded by her ability to forget our past and extend such grace to me. Despite the way we met, she welcomed me into her life. She’s always the first one to check in not just on me, but on all of our friends and even people who have wronged her to be sure that we are all okay. Sarah understands people. She understands feelings and can express them so beautifully when she’s actually given the chance.

We’ve done the whole nine yards over the last year since we met (er, met again). I’m talking midnight kisses, bed sharing, romantic dinners, slow dancing, regular dancing. The problem was in figuring out if it meant anything, because when all your friends are gay, this sort of thing can be confusing.

Nobody told me to feel this way. A smart person would have told me not to. A smart me would have listened. But I love the feeling of falling, so I allowed it. I allowed it and clung to it. It actually happened quite fast. Sarah and I have always been honest with each other; it was something I prioritized due to our rocky beginning. So, when I realized my feelings for her, I wasted no time in asking her on a date.

Sarah said yes, but she also told me she wasn’t sure where she wanted this to go or if she was ready for anything serious. Her relationship with the trash bag had left her pretty severely wounded, and she was understandably still healing from that. And so together we agreed that this would be a date without expectation.

Sarah also told me that she’d never been on a proper date before. Trash bag had never bothered to do that. This was just more motivation to make this a good date. Not to pat myself on the back too hard, but I did a great job. I am good at treating people right. We went axe throwing (yes, very gay, I know), and then had dinner and drinks.

All seemed well, I was happy, she was happy. But, since we agreed that it was a casual date, I didn’t want to apply any pressure by asking her out again too quickly. So I waited and tried to play my hand wisely.

Now during this time, COVID cases were on the rise in my area and in the rest of the country. Hangouts in our tiny group had been easy and safe up until this point because of the nice summer weather and Sarah’s outdoor, rooftop deck where we usually would gather. Winter in the Midwest, however, made that impossible.

Now I thought I might lose my mind if I couldn’t see my people for the entire winter. Fortunately, Sarah asked me to be her “plus one” of sorts—each of the roommates in her apartment got to choose one. Katie chose their partner, and the third roommate in the apartment chose his partner. Sarah chose me.

I say again, you can see where this is going.

Sarah confessed to me that she felt lonely and jealous of her roommates romantic lives. They had partners, she didn’t. They were in love, she wasn’t. But here I was.

Bad Fanfic Trope #3: Fake Dating AU

Now I know what you’re thinking. Why would I do this? Why would Sarah do this? Why, Zoe? Why?

Emotions are a very persuasive bastard, I’ll tell you that. Besides, it made Sarah happy, and I got to go over to my favorite apartment with my favorite person. We actually spent quite a lot of time together in this days.

One particularly magical night for me was the walk we took around a local college campus. This was near Christmastime, so the surrounding houses were all lit up with colored lights and the atmosphere just hit different. Even being out in the open, it felt intimate. We came across the most oddly placed bus stop in the parking lot. Truly it was an island out at sea—it just looked like it didn’t belong there, a little glass building with citrus light leaking out of it.

“That’s a portal,” Sarah joked, spotting it at the same time as me.

I laughed, but I was actually serious when I asked her, “Should we go through?”

So we did. We ventured to the middle of the lot and entered in the left-side door. The inside felt even more otherworldly, and I’m still not convinced that something supernatural wasn’t going on there. But we giggled like kids and imitated the sounds of machine and tearing space-time, and then we stepped out the right-side door.

I’m pretty sure that was the night I knew I was totally fucked. Up until then things had been pretty manageable, feelingswise. But everything about that evening just pumped me up with hope and adrenaline, and whether things went up or downhill from there is kind of hard to tell.

Things really were good! I got to dress up for mini, COVID safe parties and dance in the living room. I got to sleep over on movie nights. I had already been living out my fanfiction dreams to the tune of Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift for the last several months, so what was a few more?

Actually, it was quite painful. I say this was a fake dating AU, but I think I was the only one being fooled—and maybe Sarah too on some level. We didn’t really mean for it to happen this way. I didn’t mean to be the person who couldn’t control her feelings, and Sarah didn’t mean to be the one who led me on. We were supposed to be having fun—and it was fun. Until it wasn’t.

See, holding back your own feelings can be miserable. It’s fun in the moment until you come home to an empty bed and know that nobody will be joining you. It’s fun until you’re reading into every text message and searching for a hidden meaning. Everything somehow felt perfectly aligned and all out of sorts at once.

When I decided I couldn’t take the wondering anymore, I asked Sarah for the chance to talk. She of course said yes, and so we agreed that we’d find some alone time at our next get-together. This happened to be our jazz night party, and Damn, did Sarah look good on jazz night.

We’d had themed parties before, but Sarah really outdid herself this time. She’d taken the lead on this party, and when I walked in I found the entire apartment transformed. The living room furniture had been pushed back to make room for dancing, and the kitchen cart was rolled in as a makeshift bar. The plush bench from the entryway sat in front of a strung-up tapestry as a photo station, and the flat screen was adorned with some sort of “jazz club ambience” from YouTube.

Sarah herself looked like something straight out of the Great Gatsby. I’ll spare you the details because I’m trying not to be too cringe-inducing here, but she was striking and perfectly on theme. I’m pretty sure I looked like a grunge gremlin in comparison, but that’s neither here nor there.

I told her how lovely she looked when I arrived, and truthfully I couldn’t tell if she was the one being awkward or I was. It could have been both, in hindsight, but considering how things went it doesn’t really matter.

It was difficult to focus on the absolute beauty of the party when my hands were trembling and all I could think of was the upcoming talk of be having with Sarah. I didn’t want to look at her too long in case everything went wrong and she didn’t want my eyes on her, but she also looked gorgeous and cool, and she was making us drinks like a real bartender. This was the time of her life, I could tell.

Everyone else was having a good time too. Katie and their partner were two peas in a pod. And Adam (third roommate, thus far unnamed) and his partner seemed pretty much in sappy, romance heaven. It hadn’t been a problem before, but suddenly I wasn’t sure where I fit into this unique equation.

When slow songs came on through the playlist, the couples wrapped their arms around each other and looked fondly into each other’s eyes. Sarah and I danced, but not too close, and I definitely couldn’t meet her eyes right now. It just didn’t feel the same.

We finally managed to get some privacy when the others went on a Taco Bell run. I mentally went over my talking points and tried to prepare myself for what seemed like the most predictable outcome. I would make sure that Sarah felt no pressure with me, because that truly was the last thing I wanted. I would also make my intentions clear—I’d love to go out on more dates with you and just see if there could ever be something between us. Easy as that. I didn’t expect that she would confess her true and undying love for me (I tried not to expect anything really), but a large part of me figured she would at the very least agree to a date or two for the sake of discovery, and maybe she’d even be excited about it. It just made sense to me.

But, even as I was beginning to express my feelings, I could tell the direction this was going. Sarah smiled and said she also felt like we probably needed to talk, and that I was really brave for bringing this up—braver than her, she said. What followed was the kindest, most gentle letting down of my life. Really, she couldn’t have handled that conversation any better.

There were a number of reasons for her decision to turn me down. For one thing, she didn’t want to risk our friendship. We were already so close, and as she’d expressed before, she didn’t want to rush into any serious relationships right now. 100% reasonable. And, it kind of did make sense. It would have been difficult not to become serious very quickly considering how close we were. On top of not wanting to risk our friendship and not wanting anything serious, I suspected that she simply didn’t feel the same way.

At the end of it all, Sarah asked me if I needed some space to process, or if I wanted her to step out of the apartment for a while. That’s right, Sarah literally volunteered to leave her own home during her own party to make me comfortable. I of course told her that was ridiculous and did my best to carry on normally. I wanted to be cool about it for both of our sake. Alas, I ended up making multiple trips to the bathroom for secret crying sessions, and eventually I ducked out early so that I could cry peacefully in my car—and my bed, and my shower, and everywhere else for the next few days.

Yikes. Funny how it hadn’t even hit me until that moment that I’d been making the very same dumb mistakes I read about all the time on AO3. I filled myself up with hope that wasn’t there and nearly ruined everything because of it.

I tried moving on without much luck. I tried remaining friends with moderate success. Perhaps that’s being too pessimistic. Honestly, my friendship with Sarah is stronger than ever. It’s just that almost two months after Jazz Night I finally had to have another talk with Sarah—one where I confessed how hurt I’d been over the whole ordeal. I apologized for my mishandling of the situation, and she apologized for hers. Honestly, we both had a good idea of what we’d been getting ourselves into at the start of it, but we did it anyway.

Am I over Sarah? Not if I’m being honest. But my priority has been and will always be protecting our friendship, and I think she’s on the same page as me there. I hang out with both her and Katie routinely, and I’m doing everything in my power to fix this. I don’t think it’s as big a deal for Sarah as it is me in that she doesn’t have to alter her feelings. I don’t want her to change her behavior either—because our amazing friendship is why I fell for her, she didn’t do anything to make me uncomfortable.

So we’re carrying on. I guess this is an ongoing story, but the fake-dating part is over as are the fanfiction tropes that seem to have overtaken my life for a hot minute. I just thought it was so interesting—interesting enough to share I suppose.

(Honestly part of me things this would make a good story if I went back and documented these events in more detail—like, I dunno, multiple chapters or something idk. If anyone got this far and would be interested in that lemme know. It’s my real life but for once that’s actually quite interesting.)

[swatato]

fat. FAT. P H A T RANT INCOMING FOR ANYONE WHO CARES TO READ THIS NONSENSE CUZ @haldidoodh ASKED

That episode literally blasted the last of my serotonin into smithereens but TBH??? WHO AM I MAD AT I should have seen this coming this whole volume has been such a headache. I cant be bothered to type up a coherent rwde essay on everything that bothered me this episode so im just gonna copy and paste my earlier yelling here instead ;A;

Team Rwby was god awful in episodes 11-12. They’re so self-righteous, entitled, hypocritical and cocky as a team and it doesnt help that they all suck as individual characters nowadays (except for weiss but even she lost best-girl points this episode also lmao blake and yang aren’t even INDIVIDUALS anymore they’re just bumbleby). It was annoying at first but now its just infuriating how rwby thinks theyre always right with their uwu energy and think they can do whatever tf they want with ZERO CONSEQUENCES.

Basically any time there is a problem in this show they have Ruby uwu at it and its solved lol.

They kept giving ironwood shit for taking on this incredible burden SO THAT NOBODY ELSE WOULD HAVE TO and rather than offer any real solution they just kept going “but mantle” like okay?? But remnant??? Like obvi letting mantle rot is bad but HE WAS OPEN TO ANY HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS CUZ HES OBVI AT HIS WITTS END AND DOESNT LIKE THE IDEA EITHER but yeah they just proceed to be the fattest hypocrites by hiding secrets of their own after being all “no more secrets uwu” and WHEN THEY GOT EXPOSED THEY JUST WENT “>:[“ (yangs self-righteous little glare here pissed me off so much oof) especially when ironwood was laying everything out in the open to them from the start. AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THE SECRET WAS FKIN “OH YEAH SALEM CANT DIE LOL” They watched ironwood make every decision he did in hopes of beating Salem while KNOWING she couldnt die??? So literallY WHERE do they get off on screeching at him with their yOu doNt hAvE to Suffer In ManTle YOu doNt kNow whAt iTs liKe bs. Wtf made ruby distrust iw at the start anyway? Because he had a bunch of ships out? They kept this CRUCIAL piece of information from him because he seemed stressed out?? Like what made ruby keep the secret from him. Someone tell me.

And the fact that rwby beat the ace-ops makes no goddamned sense. The power-scaling in this show is non-existant. We finally got to meet some pro huntsmen in this universe who aren’t teachers but are actually on the job, but because we gotta move out of the way for that 👌🏽✨ Power Of Friendship✨ and ✨rwby is always right✨ they somehow managed to beat experienced huntsmen with YEARS in the field who’ve actually graduated school??? FARM BOI OSCAR WHOS *JUST* LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT MANAGED TO LAND A PUNCH ON NEO FKIN POLITAN??? Didnt neo dance circles around yang??? Yang, who punches for a living and also beat mercury and adam??? I cant yall (and the fact that he didnt even bother to sneak up on her this boi literally screamed “no!!” as he ran down a hallway and neo didnt even have time to blink??? Pls)

Ruby’s “you were the best, until you trained us :3” -for maybe 2 days before my team went dancing ruby sis shut right tf up pls my god is this line just so. UNEARNED. Training in a room for a short while does not simply grant you the years of field experience the ace ops have and whAT IS UP WITH HER TRYING TO REASON WITH HARIETT AFTER SAYING THAT COCKY LINE AND FIGHTING HER??? WHAT and also like. The entire idea of “the ops lost cuz they weren’t good friends and were bad at teamwork uwu” is just so dumb. Ur telling me this group of high ranking hunstmen who’ve most likely been working together for at least a few years didnt have teamwork down??? Learning to work together is the most BASIC concept for a team to learn!! Its like the first thing a team has to perfect!! If the ace ops are supposed to be the best of atlas you dont think the ops would have gotten something as fundemental as teamwork down?? I dont buy it. And who gives a shit if they dont hang out after work or take selfies with eachother. Being friends doesnt necessarily mean theyre great at working together. If they succeed at relying on eachother to watch their backs, to keep each other alive (in the words of hariett herself) then Id think theyd know how to protect eachother i.e WORK TOGETHER.

And for all the ✨friendship✨ and ✨going through so much with someone✨ talk rwby like to do, the show barely displays these people acting like friends. We’re constantly TOLD how great of friends this group is, but the actual CONTENT we are shown leaves a lot to be desired. Tell me the last time ruby and blake teamed up in a fight. Or weiss and blake. Or yang and weiss. What teamwork?? Yang only interacts with blake now and weiss is only ever allowed to interact with ruby. Has blake ever said nora or ren’s name out loud? Have jaune and yang ever held a conversation between just them? Team rwby just spent a GOOD DEAL of time seperated from eachother, but when they reunite their teamwork is still somehow better than the ace ops?? Honestly its easier to believe that ruby is closer with team jnpr than she is her own team. If they showed the ops messing up during rwby vs ace ops fight due to lack of communication, then it still doesnt matter. My point is that they shouldnt have lacked teamwork in the first place.

Robyn was m e h this episode “JaMes ConTinUes to UnDeresTimAte Me” *proceeds to get knocked over in .3 seconds and is then KO for the rest of the episode* also great job for starting a fight and aiming to take clovers life in a moving airship with a terrorist on board when clover was acting PEACEFULLY and qrow was WILLING TO TALK IT OUT WITH IW and potentially work on a solution, but naw robyn is big mad and shall shoot.

Qrow made zero sense this episode too. I was with him right up until he chose TYRIAN OVER CLOVER??? THE PSYCOPATH WHO CANNOT BE REASONED WITH OVER THE RATIONAL DUDE YOU KNOW IS GOOD except clover wasnt acting rational in this fight at all and ill get to that AND IS THE ONLY FRIEND YOU HAVE WHOS NOT 19????? Qrow rly looked at tyrian- a man who is literally an enemy to all of remnant and went after ur neice- and said lets get rid of this punk together u and me bro. Like screw teaming with clover to bring down the dude you ACTUALLY have a grudge with whos also a serial killer and then trying to talk it out with clover whod be willing to do things peacefully why is this show like this

and AS FOR CLOVER. where were the braincells this episode. Qrow was trying to fight tyrian-the WAY bigger threat here, but clover??? kept knocking him away from tyrian and restraining him with his hook like??? YEAH LETS HELP OUT THE DEMON SCORPION CRACKHEAD HES CLEARLY NOT THE PRIORITY ATM nvm clover deserved to die there m8

His death scene was emotional and I feel bad for Qrow but u literally sealed his death when u ganged on him with tyrian so why are you even surprised. And on the subject of fairgame, im glad it didnt happen. Qrow was in no state for romance and I was glad he finally had a friend. He just spent the last volume thinking he wasted his life away helping oz, drowning in misery, drinking til he passed out on the street and so drunk he couldnt even be of any help during the apathy situation, when up til now hes been shown to fight just fine while drunk. I don’t see this as a “bury your gays trope” because clover was never confirmed to be gay and all their scenes added up to 40 seconds of platonic friendship. These two are grown ass men, if they had the hots for eachother then im pretty sure they could openly show it and not dance around it like theyre kids. I do feel bad for mlm viewers who were hoping for some rep with fairgame/lucky charms (cuz rt only cares if ur a cute marketable lesbian) but idc for the overly entitled fans who try to force their own headcanons on the writers and go feral when they dont get what they want. You dont just get to prance around claiming whats canon and what isnt. If rep is there then great, but if it isnt, then why not look somehwere else and let the author tell the story theyre trying to tell? Shipping fairgame cuz you think its cute is absolutely fine but not when u start getting ready to casterate crwby for not catering to you. Also, rwby sucks with lgbt+ rep anyway so what were yall expecting.

The only thing that was great this episode was the chorerography. It just sucks that the animation/choreo continues to improve while the writing doesnt. Another thing that really fell off this episode was the whole “we’re friends but we have to fight” drama. It doesnt work when its only ONE SIDE SHOWING ANY DISTRESS OVER IT. Only the ace ops (marrow, clover, the vine dude) seemed to show distress over having to fight rwby (it sucks that the only 1v1 weiss has won was because marrow was going EASY on her cuz he didnt wanna fight her fr) but rwby???? They didnt give any shits. They were so quick to turn against them and aim for their heads. They were SMILING as they ran at the ace ops, while they looked conflicted. If you oppose their UwU philosophy, you’re dead to them.

I really wanna enjoy RWBY but sometimes this show (and the fndm) really tests me. Its ironic how this episode came right after last episode, which I thought was the best chapter this volume. Anyway I rate this 10/10 cuz it gave me best character ironwood and best boi marrow and I would like to give them hugs for carrying this volume on their backs. (Also tyrian and penny and winter have been great too)

[notcatherinemorland]

More Hamlet Thoughts because i leave everything to the 11th hour . production continues to be the 2018 globe w/ Michelle Terry

Hamlet and Ophelia’s uhhhhh fight 

Ham’s personality twists into cruel mockery of her at the line ‘Where’s your father’ and OHO the facial expressions

Ophelia kept trying to hold onto Hamlet’s hand and body and curl her fingers around hamlet’s hand and it was very heartbreaking . Hamlet was a ball of chaotic energy who scrabbled her hands off himself. rlly interesting to watch

this turned around with hamlet scrubbing over her face as he presents her to the audience’s 4th wall for the make up lines. and shoves her down to the floor at the end

the physical manipulation hamlet takes out on ophelia is a super interesting segue to the players scene

2 b / x 2 b

ham sat in the middle of the front of the stage and held the hand of an audience member who he talked he speech to. very intimate and closed and really interesting interpretation

im a nerd so i really like the juxtaposition of such a grand and philosophical speech being told on such an intimate and small scale

Hamlet’s still got his smudged clown makeup on

hamlet and horatio come across Very gay in the ‘something too much of this’ line. i vibe 

hamlet decimated his friendship with R&G and i LOVED how Horatio held him and then forced him away to give him just a touch more character. this Ht loved R&G as well and i appreciate the bit of character we all try to give horatio

Horatio’s Emotions over R&G’s impending death is a++ give this man some emotional range

OH the ‘if your mind dislike anything, obey it’ can we PLEASE listen to horatio the lone voice of reason within elsinor’s halls

that’s not me being gay, that’s a legit analysis of Hamlet in that everyone in Elsinor has a twisted sense of reality and morality and Horatio as an outsider is immune and must watch in horror

the argument is flawed with R&G but hey it’s not my theory.

THE TRUMPETS . there’s live trumpets 

the music they played to signal the half time of the play was wonderfully dissonant and i VIBE WITH THAT that is the ENERGY of Elsinor right there

honestly im annoying and i don’t particularly care for the play scene as an audience member. like academically the play within a play is rife with analysis but like. to just sit and watch it feels like such a halt in the energy

plus i really dislike it when they use gross physical comedy in the dumb-show because again. im annoying

anyway they only do the dumb-show (more tollerable than a lot) and they use drum beats and purcussion in place of lines, and have hamlet explain what’s going on with his lines. it’s certainly different and its a lot quicker than the text is

This Claudius is Prime Smarmy Politicians and is very indignant as he tries to pray and i REALLY LIKE HIM

The scene transitions are .. non existent in this play and i LIKE IT 

the lines follow on immediately between scenes as the other characters are leaving the stage 

i love how it supports the theme of acting this play has and how it breaks down the barrier for the audience of personal vs private 

thats not quite what i want to say uhhhhh. in other productions some of the scenes are really discreet from each other- like how pearl necklaces have stoppers between the pearls- and that’s especially evident in films, but here it’s the opposite and the scenes bleed into each other to create a really fast paced and chaotic energy and i REALLY LIKE IT

‘personal vs private’ is on god my favourite theme in hamlet and the way it works with the audience creating it here is GREAT

Closet scene... OH BOY

this hamlet is CRUEL oml 

the ghost enters after hamlet spends 3 minutes berating his mother and she’s crying on the floor by the audience and hamlet immediately stops and starts weeping 

‘oh save me’ sounds so small and childlike and it really showcases the love between them

not that kind of love, sigmund fucking freud. get your mind out the gutter

the disdain hamlet has for gertrude absolutely breaks my heart but that’s a me thing because i haven’t been able to see my mother in person for coming up on a month due to quarantine :(

added an extra hug before ham leaves .. v sweet

Claudius comes barreling in and picks up ham’s dropped sword. :eye emoji: doesn’t put it down until Hamlet’s brought in for questioning. but he’s still holding a book (english dictionary presumably?) and this act of holding a sword for 2 scenes WILL be reiterated time and time again in ever hamlet essay i write forever to whatever end i so desire because it’s easy to manipulate to my own purposes. bless this moment

There’s a seagull that keeps interrupting claudius at perhaps the funniest possible moments in his soliloquies and honestly WHERE is it’s Olivier

Ophelia’s madness isn’t as explicit as it is in other versions, but watching her tumble into emotions and lack of restraint is so, so heartbreaking.

this is one of the productions of hamlet that makes a really convincing case for ‘madness’ in elsinor being synonymous to speaking one’s mind and being truthful about one’s heightened emotions and like. i Love that interpretation

lets be real i love 99% of hamlet interpretations

the 1% is freud. fuck that guy

I’m Digging the parallel of Ophelia’s emotional outburts of grief (in madness) to Laertes incensed outburst of grief . ohoho

Laertes gets rosemary and pansies, Claudius gets fennel and columbines, Gertrude gets the rue, Audience member gets the daisy and the thought of violets

unfortunately i once wrote a shite poem about gertrude and weather she know of the poison in the cup at the end and unfortunately that’s all i can think about for the last 40 mins of the play hfdhgjgghjhgj

im annoying so i read along with the play and the duets Claudius and Laertes make of the meter and the word formatting on the page comes across really different on stage, which is super interesting. 

not to be really fucking dramatic but i read in the info packet of this play that the pillars on the stage are actually tree trunks carved and painted to look like marble and considering how many times i had to hear the words ‘appearance vs reality’ in my english class, i think im allowed to use the smirk emoji about how the setting of the globe is Integral to Hamlet as a play

i am itching to write an entire 4000 word tirade about the use of the physical body in hamlet because between the actual acting on stage, polonius, ‘one auspicious and one dropping eye’ and all whole host of references made to physical body parts i am going feral 

PLUS this one incorporates sign language 

i actually hate the word incorporates but needs must  

The Ophelia’s death speech is of course wonderful, but i can’t stop thinking about how John Everett Millais made his model (who’s name escapes me in a terrible irony because i got this information from an exhibition about the female pre-raphalites) sit in a cold bath for hours on end whilst he sketched and it made her very ill because the fire went out and she was sat nude in a bath of cold water for hours.

Gravedigger only has the songs and the hamlet interaction, and he wears a high vis jacket. he’s also played by the ghost’s actor, which whilst understandable in such a small cast, amuses me greatly

Hamlet’s got his hair tied back and in a military style jacket, and marches around with Horatio who’s in a hoodie and a black duffle coat (absolutely a student) and the same tight plait. Ham’s definitely meant to be sane now, he speaks very brusquely and all but marches around the stage

Not To Make An Edelgard Reference But edelgard’s cause in 3H was also cemented by a timeskip and a military outfit and a brusque personality hehehe 

Hamlet gets into the ‘grave’ to chat to Yorick which, again, i will use in every relevant essay i will write and manipulate this scene to whatever end i desire and on god i thank this production for this 

a level me would have gone feral

current me is also going feral

Grave Scene: a terrible one for your family to walk in and ask what the fuck you’re watching

Polonius’ actor plays the priest. yes, capsule wardrobe of a cast, i know but i’m an english student it’s my duty to wring every irrational inch of analysis out of this thing

i won’t trail on about unsubstaniated interpretations of Polonius’ parenting skills and fate in Hamlet but on god i will find an essay about it

i always enjoy it when someone leaps in the grave .. the melodrama... the meaning... the liminal spaces...

the DRAMA of seperating feral laertes and the really calm and imposing hamlet is excellent and a bit hilarious and the camera is going nuts

i’m very aware that everyone is now traipsing about over the grave in the middle of the stage and THAT’S a fun dynamic you don’t get from film or text

ok I’ve just noticed the video has the ‘top chat replay’ going and the very first line i saw is ‘what if hamlet had tiktok’ and i am CRYING 

Ophelia’s actor also plays Osric and is a) absolutely hilarious and b) again, capsule wardrobe of a cast will not stop me from analysing everything and anything this play may or may not offer me. 

im not saying hamlet is a play about inheritance and the burden of it, but also... isn’t it :eye emoji:

if bloody fire emblem fates can do it so can i, step off

Fencing scene: oh thank god it’s nearly over

The hearts on their fencing get ups parallel Hamlet’s clown outfit with a heart on the sleeve Very Nicely

Gertrude isn’t wearing her headpiece anymore .. ohoho dispelling the trappings and suits of dishonesty, if you will

The duel is a) bloody terrifying because sword fighting and b) judged by Osric (Ophelia) and the poetry of having ham & lae’s duel waged over and judged by Ophelia is absolutely excellent

Claudius’s aside (or to laertes? camera didn’t follow) had no right to be as humorous as it was jdfsghfkd

Gertrude figured out it was poison in this one. Nice

I like the call and response effect of ‘Treachery! Seek it out! / It is here Hamlet’ they made with Hamlet running around they stage to find little propped up Laertes

The dramatic eye contact of Hamlet and Claudius as he forces him to drink the poison.... OH HECK YES 

the way they sink to the floor in a pair, with hamlet crawling over his body to make sure he dies... oh LORD 

the swing hamlet does with his arm to the audience to cast them as ‘the unsatisfied’ was EXCELLENT and i would like that in every production of hamlet please 

the tussle of horatio and hamlet over the cup..... iconic.... and i enjoy the parallel of that to hamlet with claudius as they’re stood in the same corner 

The harsh projection of Hamlet’s voice and the blunt manner of his words about Fortinbras’ inheritance of denmark against the soft way Horatio rocks Hamlet back and forth ... i want to CRY

Horatio got to have emotional range in this production .. wonderful

i always enjoy the way the play tails off with politics in a room of dead bodies.. the layers the absolute onions

how none of the drama within the castle has any meaning to anyone outside of it is Excellent 

and then the way the prison and enclosure of elsinor is finally broken with military force in parallel to the tumultuous interpersonal relationships within it... i vibe yet more

they actually ended with ‘go bid the soldiers shoot’ which i enjoy a lot!!!! and the music is wonderful

then they all start doing this dance which i think is meant to be about the themes of the play and to be perfectly honest it’s a bit crunchy for me but the music absolutely slaps!!!

final thoughts:

that sure was a hamlet production and i thought it had a lot of heart and did some new things very very well!!!

and i loved the emphasis they put on the costuming!!!! 

overall: a solid hamlet. very nice. i greatly enjoyed it!!!! 

[multimetaverse]

Andi Mack 3x18 Review

Something To Talk A-Boot was a pretty good ep that was surprisingly fillery and made apparent the cracks in the show’s writing. Let’s dig in!

We got some great Tyrus scenes that more than made up for the crappy writing we’ve seen the last two Tyrus eps. For once they got to end on a happy note which was much appreciated. We returned to the same fun and flirty dynamic we saw before costume day and it’s like that whole mess never happened (which I’ll discuss more in the negatives). 

We’re back to the confident and flirty TJ we had been seeing up until costume day and it’s good that the show has abandoned it’s incredibly ill advised and poorly done internalized homophobia story line which is necessary because Tyrus can’t canon in the finale if TJ and Cyrus aren’t both comfortable with themselves and with each other. Luckily for the show, most of the audience will never know what the hell was going on with TJ in eps 13 and 15 and will just ignore it as bad writing. 

Lot’s of completely unnecessary touching between Tyrus in this ep like holding on to each others shoulders after the verdict and TJ tapping Cyrus as he was putting his seat belt on. I was pleasantly surprised by the full on hug we got; I didn’t think Terri would get a hug approved in this ep and be able to get hand holding approved in the finale but looks like she pulled it off. It made for a rare rule of three for Cyrus as we saw three increasingly gay hugs between him and TJ this season. I loved the whole you’ll visit me on the inside bit, that’s the kind of thing only couples say. 

Man was that Tyrus golf cart scene ever romantic. Just pure flirty fluff and it was wonderful to see. Really the only reason TJ stole the golf cart again and drove off to find Cyrus was to flirt with him. It’s the closest a show with 14 year olds can get to a classic drive off into the sunset ending. Has there ever been a better nerd/jock ship? The golf cart scene was a perfect encapsulation of their dynamic and showed such growth on Cyrus’ part from the scared kid who couldn’t imagine breaking the rules to the more confident self TJ has helped him become. It’s a bittersweet thought but even though a good chunk if not most of the audience still thinks Tyrus is a friendship or one sided crush, everyone who ever starts the show after the finale will know that Tyrus is a romantic relationship and for them subtext will be text from the very start. 

I think it was very deliberate that all of TJ’s scenes were at the school, we needed to see him interacting like normal with Cyrus at the place they’ll spend most of their time. This ep really was in many ways a glimpse of what canon Tyrus will be like after they get together and come out to the world; supportive, flirty, comfortable.

They really took advantage of Luke being 17 and a good driver. I wonder if ‘leggo’’ was in the script or if that was a Luke ad lib.

This was the last confirmed ep they ever filmed at the school and there’s an extremely good chance that the very wholesome and very gay Tyrus golf cart scene was the last scene we’ll ever see at the school. Which is a hell of a way to say goodbye to the school. 

We got just under 5 minutes of Tyrus screen time and just over 5 and a half minutes of total TJ screen time this ep (excluding TJ cheering in the stands). This is the most he’s had since 3x06 and may actually be the most he’s had or will have all season. And this was more Tyrus screen time than we’ve had in 3x11, 3x13, and 3x15 combined which is a damning indictment of Disney’s censorship. Partly this was likely because the writers were trying to pad his screen time a bit since he was originally supposed to be gone for 3 eps in a row instead of 2. Funnily enough, because his story line was left intact even with the cut ep and re-shoots it now looks as though he may actually get a little more screen time in these final 7 eps than Marty does.

It’s impressive too because all of TJ’s scenes were filmed over two days; it makes such a difference when they’re actually allowed to have him on set for more than one day and that they let Luke and Josh actually have scenes together and took advantage of them being older and able to work longer hours.

This ep really built TJ’s character back up and it’s easy to see that the writers knew they had to get the audience back on TJ’s side and remind them of his and Cyrus’ dynamic especially since he was supposed to have been gone for 3 eps in a row instead of 2. 

Josh did a great job hamming it up at the trial. Loved the ‘’you’re showboating’’ ‘’thank you for noticing your honour’’ bit. And Cyrus adding ‘’sir’’ when he was pretending to respond to himself from the witness box was good too. Love that Cyrus took the time to change back into a suit before hearing the verdict.

It makes such a difference for Cyrus’ character is TJ is in an ep or not and I don’t even mean from a shipping perspective. In non TJ eps Cyrus is almost always reduced to therapist friend or comic relief, when TJ is an ep he usually gets to be an active character and actually get to do things. 

We had Buffy saying he used to be the worst and is now the best and Cyrus taking credit for seeing the good in him which was a nice reminder of the amazing growth TJ has had. And of course, there was no real reason to have TJ be the one to help Buffy get to class except to make him look good in the audience’s eyes.

I know a lot of people wanted to see more of Buffy and TJ’s friendship but I’m fine with their brief interactions. The only reason he had so much time with her in S2 and why the end of S2 set up a friendship between them was because Garren had left and they didn’t know they could get him back.

Such great growth on Buffy’s part from the girl who wouldn’t even pass the baton to her team mates back in S1. The Spikes have largely been treated as a joke but we really saw a great dynamic between them and Buffy tonight; they all felt like a real team for the first time ever. And it was interesting seeing Buffy’s room and seeing her doing normal teen stuff with people outside of the GHC. Glad the Spikes got a win and glad Buffy was able to bounce back from her injury and snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. 

Very sweet last scene between Jonah and Amber, it was a nice call back to 2x01 when Amber confided in Jonah about her family’s money problems. It was messy but they did help and support each other. I’m happy that Jonah will now be in a more secure place. 

This was also the last confirmed ep they filmed at the Spoon and Jonah watching Amber get him a milkshake is a sweet way to say goodbye to a location that was almost a character in and of itself. We also got to see one last glimpse of the ginger waitress who we’ve seen in a couple of eps.

I liked that Jonah pointed out how well the GHC know each other; he’s a part of the friend group but he’s always stood apart from the GHC itself. 

I also liked that Jonah didn’t know what an existential crisis was. Always funny when they lean into dumb Jonah. 

Jonah and Andi had a sweet scene; glad he’s self aware enough to know he’s not a good advice giver. Liked the callback to Jonah scaring Andi. 

Bex is doing her best. Andi is definitely reacting like a teen. 

No Kira this ep which was great.

Shout out to the FBI and SLPD for shrinking the gap between TJ’s appearances. As much as cutting Ham has ended up damaging the other story lines it will definitely make Cyrus’ story line age much better. Having TJ be gone for 3 eps in a row only to come back after the wedding and only being able to have this kind of screen time and nice scenes after the wedding is so transparent that even kids would have noticed why that was.

Negatives:

I plan to have a happy finale night so I’m going to get my criticism of Terri’s handling of Tyrus out of the way now. I’ve seen quite a few posts on different social media sites wondering if TJ was in the cut ep and that’s why Kira isn’t mentioned or if there were cut Tyrus scenes but the plain simple truth is that this is just bad writing, some of the worst Terri has done. It’s not a satisfying explanation but it’s reality. 

I’d like to hear Terri one day explain what she thought she was going to accomplish with this internalized homophobia plot line on a show with so many restrictions and with an audience that doesn’t know TJ is gay. I don’t think there is a good explanation but I would like to know what the hell she was thinking. She’s always shown such care with the gay story line and to just drop the ball so badly when the show is almost done is more sad than anything else. Thank god Disney let her have canon Tyrus in the finale.

It’s clear from the writing of S3 that they knew from the very start that Tyrus couldn’t canon until the finale, if at all. It’s been nothing but drama that keeps them apart up until now: Buffy is still kind of mad at TJ, Reed had a gun, Jonah is mad at TJ, Bubbe Rose dies, Kira comes in. TJ isn’t even involved with the Spikes after 3x04 and barely had any scenes with Buffy and he hasn’t had a single scene with Jonah since so it’s not like those plots were meant to have an impact. And Terri would have known that TJ could only be in 9 eps max this season and she was the one who cast a 14 year old to play Kira, knowing that Raquel just wouldn’t be able to be on set nearly as long as Luke which of course she did because she knew it didn’t matter how old she was because Kira and TJ would have limited screen time anyways. And she would have known that the look back had been edited to make it look like TJ was straight and yet she still went ahead. 

Honestly, Terri is lucky that most of the audience will never know that TJ was supposed to be struggling with his sexuality in 3x13-3x15 because if they did this story line would come off as much worse than it does for them. I can buy that she wouldn’t have known how far she could go with canon Tyrus until close to the finale itself but that just makes her decisions even more baffling. If she ends up being able to have a textual ending then she has to have TJ be confident or it just won’t make sense. But if Disney said no to canon Tyrus then there’s no way they would have let her properly explore an internalized homophobia arc anyways which makes it all pointless. 

Now that we’ve seen up until 18 we can see just how defensive Terri’s instagram post back in November about not complaining about Disney censorship or queerbaiting was. At the time all she had actually accomplished was Cyrus saying the word gay which was historic and wonderful but only one ep. There’s obvious censorship by Disney and it would have been even more apparent if it wasn’t for Stoney’s arrest. And up until now there’s really nothing differentiating  Tyrus from queerbaiting as Cyrus hasn’t even been able to say he has a crush on TJ. I know she’ll do a good job with Tyrus in the finale but I really hope she doesn’t do something egregiously bad with Kira’s ‘redemption’

It doesn’t make sense that no one would mention Kira. We had TJ scenes over 4 days in universe and no Kira in sight. So either she’s not clinging to him or he told her off. It’s all just so her appearance at the party can make Cyrus flee to the bench for one last bit of contrived drama. 

We finally ended the very poorly plotted Jamber arc. It’s clear that they first decided to get Jamber back together, likely to keep Jandi apart and as a shocking twist, and then worked backwards from there to figure out how to make it plausible and settled on Jonah also having financial issues. The problem being is that those financial problems were largely ignored and we never got an in depth exploration of Jonah or Amber’s psychology. It’s not like they didn’t have time for it since Amber set a new record for recurring characters, excepting S2 Bowie. It’s hard to say Amber has had a true arc over the series. She definitely got nicer but we’ve only really gotten character development from her these past couple of eps. She’s in the same place she was back in 2x01, newly broken up with Jonah, with parents who fight, and forced to work at the Spoon to help support her family. 

Loved that the Spikes were watching footage of their game with the Spartans, which hadn’t happened yet, at their sleep over. Back in the S2 finale when Buffy announced that she was founding a girls team I never imagined that they would be written as a joke and barely shown. I’d guess that was another casualty of them being able to get Marty back for S3.

Looking Ahead:

I’m a lot more content with the show ending after S3 after seeing these recent eps. There’s been way too much filler and a lot of bizarre decisions. Yes the cut ep and the re-shoots hurt a lot of plots but it doesn’t seem like the originals were all that much better. It’s clear that the Muffy plot in 3x17 ended after the bowling alley and Amber’s plot ended with her leaving Cyrus’ house which means that Marty went with Buffy as her date to the wedding in the original 3x18 only to friendzone her and tell her to get her foot checked. And Amber still went with Jonah even though she knew he had been lying to her and they only broke up at the wedding. I’m sure the Mack family A plot would have been great but the B and C plots look like they would have sucked. 

Terri’s never had a show that went beyond 2 seasons and I think in some ways she struggled with plotting out 21 eps worth of story lines. Better to end now when the show will go down as historic then drag it down in a potential S4. And better for Terri’s reputation as well, she gets to end the show as a visionary whereas if we got a S4 she’d likely end up with more of a Michael Jacob’s type reputation. 

Also this ep shows that any hope for seeing canon Tyrus in S4 was just a dream. Disney is clearly only willing to let things get textual in the finale itself. Even Mack Chat didn’t mention Cyrus once tonight despite him having a big role in the ep. An odd game Disney plays with showing the bench scene in promos but not letting Mack Chat get too gay. 

New finale promo sheds a little more light on things. Two Cyrus waving scenes, probably one is before the bench scene and one is after. Bench scene starts with some extras near the fire and once they leave is when things get textual. TJ and Marty will probably have an interaction after both Tyrus and Muffy canon. Looks like there doing something with Jandi but again I don’t think we get canon Jandi, just something ambiguous. Bowie and Bex dancing in the back ground, Bowie in his dad’s tux and Bex possibly in her wedding dress. Obviously they’re already married but it’s probably them re-creating the wedding they had planned for but didn’t end up having.

Next ep is one with a ton of re-shoots and should feature the new wedding. We’ll see how smooth it is. My one hope is that we get some word that Jonah has told his parents about his panic attacks, even if it’s off screen. 

[welllpthisishappening]

An American Haunting (1/2)

Emma Swan does not believe in ghosts. She simply talks about them on tourist-filled walking tours at Colonial Williamsburg. 

It’s a belief she’s certain she’ll always hold, until, one summer she starts hearing a voice, asking her for help. And, suddenly, every certainty Emma Swan has ever had starts to shake just a bit, a hint of history and a past that’s far more extensive than she could have imagined. 

----

Rating: Probably like a pretty solid teen Word Count: 6.4 K this chapter. Closing in on 13K overall AN: This is, hands down, the single most self indulgent thing I have ever written and one time I wrote a college basketball story that was literally just my own opinions. I grew up going to Colonial Williamsburg, have been on every ghost tour, including the one the RAs took us on when I went to HISTORY CAMP AT WILLIAM AND MARY. That happened. So, I’ve been wanting to write a story based at CW for years, but I couldn’t ever come up with something legit idea-wise and then today. Bam. BAM. i had an idea. I wrote the idea out in several hours of sunshine-fueled key smashing and here we are. Part two eventually because I really do hate spamming the internet with words. I won’t ever go in the Peyton Randolph house at night. 

Also on Ao3 if that’s how you roll. 

----

The gasps always made her smile. 

That was a very strange sentence out of context, but Emma couldn’t help the way her lips quirked up every single time, biting the side of her tongue so she wouldn’t actually laugh at the whole, stupid thing. 

He had quite a flair for the dramatic, after all. 

“Even Lafayette himself once wrote that he felt someone push against his back upon entering the house! But there was no one there. There never is. Just a feeling, that chill that creeps up your spine and takes up residence in the back of your brain, waiting for you to let your guard down.”

And…cue the gasps. 

Emma covered her mouth with her hand, fingers curling around the side of her jaw. Her eyes flickered towards the couple in front of her, still sporting their Colonial Williamsburg tickets on lanyards and the man’s ghost tour sticker was peeling off at one end. 

The woman reached for his hand. 

And Killian was wholly and entirely in his element. 

He leaned forward, a spark in his eyes that was not even remotely supernatural, but completely theatrical, the stretch of a smile moving in slow motion across his face. 

“Take a look at some of the photos you’ve been snapping this whole time,” he muttered. If he leaned forward any further his stupid tri-corner hat was going to fall off. 

Emma shifted against the side of the fence she was leaning on, tugging on her own skirts and trying to find a way to stand that didn’t end with her stupid eighteenth-century appropriate shoes digging into the back of her heels. It didn’t work. 

It never did. 

Killian wasn’t done. 

“See anything yet?” he asked lightly, a practiced spiel that always ended with—

“Oh my God, there are orbs in the photo!”

Emma rolled her eyes skyward, all stars and a few clouds and it was humid enough that her hair was actually starting to curl at the ends. Maybe she could convince Regina to let her wear a different outfit later that week. This one was impossibly heavy, all full skirts and an apron that didn’t make any sense at all because she wasn’t working in any of the kitchens on property, was leading tours from nine at night until somewhere in the realm of midnight for extra money and she was certain each group was getting smaller and smaller. 

The crowds were getting smaller and smaller. 

No one wanted to go learn about Colonial American history on their vacation. 

“That’s right,” Killian said, crossing his arms and rocking back on his own heels. Emma assumed they didn’t hurt his feet. He was still smiling. “The Peyton Randolph house is considered one of the most haunted buildings in the entire United States. Visitors since even before the first shots were fired in Lexington and Concord have claimed interactions with the supernatural. They’ve been shaken violently in their beds, heard laughter from other rooms, furniture moves—“

“—But what about the orbs?”

Emma was going to need pliers to move her hand away from her mouth. Killian uncrossed his arms, resting his weight on the replica musket he was holding. 

He was supposed to be a Colonial soldier. 

At the Randolph house while it was used as a hospital in 1781. Just about every building in Williamsburg was used as a hospital in 1781. 

It was unfairly attractive. 

Him, not the hospital thing. Emma was a psychopath. 

“Well,” Killian drawled, “that’s up for debate, isn’t it? Could be a catch of the light. Could be—“ He shrugged, eyes flicker towards Emma and she had to bite her tongue again. “Disembodied ghosts looking to find their way onto the afterlife. No one knows for certain, do they Miss Swan?”

She might have gasped. 

Killian’s smile widened. 

Idiot. 

That wasn’t part of the script at all. 

“Oh, yes, absolutely, sir,” she said quickly, trying her best to stay in character. The group turned expectantly toward her, eyes wide and that woman appeared to be gripping her husband’s hand like some kind of vice. “Lots of whispers about this house and, well, Mr. Randolph, you know, I don’t like to speak ill of such a respected gentleman, but—“

“—Is that the newspaper guy?” another voice interrupted, and Emma was going to have to have a serious conversation about Regina about that too. 

And she was just about to respond, not sure how she was going to do that while staying in character, but the words got caught in Emma’s throat, a sudden chill spreading through all of her limbs. 

She felt rooted to the spot, mouth going dry and goosebumps exploding across her skin. Her vision danced in front of her, no orbs, but something just on the edge that felt a bit like a shadow creeping across her eye line, a hopelessness that Emma was certain she could taste, like ash and disappointment and none of that made sense, but her knees suddenly felt very weak and—

Help me. Please. I need help. 

Emma didn’t hear the footsteps at first, flinching when Killian’s fingers curled around her elbow. People were gasping again. 

“Swan?” he whispered, bending his own knees so he was level with her. His thumb traced absent-minded patterns on her sleeve. They were going to get in trouble for that. “Are you alright, love?”

She nodded slowly, not sure if it was actually true or not, but the shadow was gone and that had to count for something. 

“Fine, fine. I’m—I’m fine.” “Try that again.” “Fine, sir,” Emma snapped, an abrupt return to form and characters and Killian's eyebrows leapt into his hairline. His tongue swiped the front of his teeth. 

“Just a touch of vapors, is it?” Emma scowled, resisting the very real urge to kick him in the shins, but she didn’t need Regina to yell at them for more than one thing and she really wanted to switch costumes. “The air is rather heavy tonight, sir, that’s all,” she said. “Shall we continue on to the next place, then?”

There was a general murmur of agreement and confusion from the crowd, Emma pulling her arm back to her side quickly enough that she nearly elbowed herself in the ribs. Killian’s had to pick up the musket. He’d dropped it at some point.  

“Alright,” Emma continued, backing up towards Nicholson Street, “if you’ll all be so kind as to follow me this way, our next stop takes us up the road towards the public gaol and Hangman’s Lane where, legend has it, member’s of Blackbeard’s crew were taken to the gallows.” More gasps. 

A few ooh and exactly one no way, really . Emma smiled. 

And Killian’s eyes never left hers, concern practically wafting off him and mixing in with that very specific smell that was Williamsburg in late August, like dogwood trees and sunscreen. 

He was waiting for her. 

She wasn’t all that surprised, but it was still kind of nice in a butterflies in her stomach and slightly erratic pulse kind of way and Emma had gotten a few more gasps out of the crowd. Well, Ruby had when they’d gotten to Shield’s Tavern and the story about the lady who haunted the corner room upstairs, but that felt like splitting hairs and Emma was exhausted. 

“You want to tell me what happened now?” Killian asked, legs stretched out in front of him where he was sitting. On the stairs behind the Public Armory, a few feet away from the staff rooms. 

He was already back in modern clothes, which was a little bit like playing with fire, guests still filing out of the historic area and meandering down Duke of Gloucester Street, but he had that very specific type of pinch between his eyebrows and— “No,” Emma replied. “Because nothing happened.” “You’re honestly getting worse at it.” Emma made a face. “I really don’t see how that’s possible.” “Swan.” “Yeah, what was that about? You’re just throwing out real names in this now? You better watch out or I’m going to tell Regina on you.”

“Please, the only thing you want to do when talking to Regina is tell her how annoyed you are with the overall state of your skirts.” “Oh, that’s so dumb, honestly.”

“Tell me I’m wrong,” Killian challenged. He leaned back on his elbows, another very specific type of spark in his eyes and this was really starting to become a problem. In a way where it wasn’t, obviously. Becuase he waited for her and knew her and Emma really had way too many thoughts about how good the whole Colonial outfit regularly looked on him. 

But they were going to have to tell people eventually. 

And she wasn’t sure she could cope with that. 

“It’s a lot of skirts,” Emma mumbled, a quick shrug and pitiful attempt to get around him. “C’mon, move, I’ve got to change and—”

“—What happened, Emma?” He caught her around the ankle, impressive considering the amount of fabric in the way, glancing up at her with a look that was treading somewhere between imploring and a little overwhelming. Maybe they wouldn’t have to tell anyone. 

Emma couldn’t believe people hadn’t figured it out already. 

That lady from the tour definitely knew. 

“Did it happen again?” Killian pressed, and his thumb was doing that thing again. Tracing and brushing, following a pattern that wasn’t really there, but might have been obvious for him. 

Emma swallowed. “I don’t—’ “—Swan.” “This is not a real thing,” she exclaimed, at least the forty-seventh time they’d had that particular conversation. “It’s not! I’m just—I’m tired and I’m worried about attendance and—” “—Well if management would stop sending out all those cards and things to donors, then we wouldn’t have such a problem. You see the Christmas ornament designs Regina’s been looking at yet? They’re ridiculous.” Emma sighed out something that might have been a laugh, letting Killian tug her down to his side. She burrowed her face into his chest. “It was louder this time,” she whispered. “Like it was—I don’t know, getting desperate or something.” “And you still couldn’t see anything?” “No. Just heard it. Her. Heard her and I was freezing cold again.” Killian’s hand had started moving at some point, up and down her arm and Emma got the distinct impression he was trying to account for all of her. As if some voice she’d been hearing for the better part of the summer would be able to make her disappear. 

The whole thing was, honestly, starting to get on her nerves. Emma had never been all that apt to believe in the facts she was touting on one of Colonial Williamsburg’s several official ghost tours. And while her’s was definitely the scariest of the bunch — the kid-friendly one didn’t mention hanging pirates — Emma wasn’t the kind of person to have nightmares or worry that she was being followed by some kind of frustrated spirit. 

Until. 

It started just after the Fourth of July festivities in the historic area, one of the few times when the place drew regularly crowds. Emma was sitting on the Palace Green, more ridiculous skirts and sweat pooling at the base of her spine and it had been the middle of the day. None of the stories about being haunted ever happened during the day. 

That was...against the rules or something. 

Help me. Please. I need help. 

She’d brushed it off as the heat and exhaustion, but it kept happening — the same words, the same voice, someone looking for help and Emma seemingly incapable of doing anything except getting cold when it happened. 

She was probably just going insane. 

That wasn’t really a much better option. 

“You’re ok,” he whispered, and her breath definitely hitched as soon as his lips ghosted over the top of her head. That was a bad word choice. “It’s ok.” “It’s crazy, that’s what it is.” “I don’t think you’re crazy, love. This is—” “—Oh, God, do not tell me that this is one of the most haunted places in America. Just...do not do it. I’ll punch you.” “You kind of looked like you wanted to before.”

“You like drawing out the Randolph schtick.” “Did I get the best reaction of the night?” “No.” “No?” Killian echoed, all scandalized incredulity. Emma shook her head, glancing up and he didn’t argue when her chin dug into his shirt. 

“No. Ruby got some pretty good gasps at Shield’s and David got what can only be described as as a whimper when we started at the Wren, so—” “—That doesn’t count, the Wren is proper haunted.” She made a noise in the back of her throat, not quite a disagreement, but more like innate skepticism and Killian definitely kissed the crown of her head that time. “There is no such thing as actual ghosts,” Emma said, ignoring her maybe -boyfriend’s wide-eyed stare. “There’s not. This is—we are doing this for profit and to freak out the tourists. I’m—” Emma pushed up, nearly tripping over her goddamn skirts in the process. “I’ve got to change and then I really think you owe me a milkshake for going off-script.” Killian grinned. Slowly. It was cheating. They both knew it. The ghosts Emma absolutely, positively did not believe in knew it. 

“You want to walk to Wawa or…” “Walking’s fine. Five minute?” “I’ll be here.”

 She made him buy the fried ravioli under the heat lamp at the register too. 

And Emma didn’t notice the brick sitting outside her apartment door when she got home, trudging into her room and falling asleep almost immediately, Killian’s arm curled around her middle. 

 “Ok, do not freak out.” Emma looked up, her phone in one hand and a half-finished cup of lukewarm coffee sitting a few inches away from her. She winced.

Ruby had that look on her face. 

And Mary Margaret wasn’t far behind. 

Which meant David was— “Where’s David?” Emma asked. 

Ruby stopped in her tracks. “What kind of question is that?” “Usually these kinds of conversations also include David and I just don’t want to have to repeat ourselves when he gets here. I’ve got to be at—” She glanced at the schedule hanging on the far wall. “Tarpley’s this afternoon.” It was apparently Mary Margaret’s turn to freeze. Her eyes bugged, lips popping audibly. “You have to work at Tarpley’s today? Oh, Emma you can’t go.” “Excuse me?” “You seriously can’t go there, Em,” Ruby said, hooking her foot around an open chair and dropping down in a small cloud of fabric. “Where’s Regina? You’ve got to tell her.” “Is there a reason I have to tell our boss that I can’t go where I’m scheduled? Honestly, Tarpley’s is the easiest gig out there. I barely have to remember any facts, just for the few kids that come in with that’s—what’s the name of that thing they’re doing this summer?” “—Kid’s in Liberty,” Mary Margaret answered. Her eyes hadn’t returned to their normal size. “That’s a garbage name, isn’t it?” “Emma, I am not kidding around here,” Ruby hissed. She leaned forward, tugging Emma’s phone out of her hand and ignoring any objection. “This is a big deal and—Tarpley’s is crazy haunted, you know that.”

Emma groaned. Loudly. And slid down her chair. It hurt her spine. “Are you kidding me? Ok, who did he tell?” “You mean your boyfriend?” “Killian is not my boyfriend.” “Yeah?” Ruby grinned. “Tell that to how worried he was about you this morning. Becuase he, how would you describe it M’s?” Mary Margaret still didn’t look entirely confident, but Emma knew she couldn’t pass up a good romance either and secret dating in the middle of a vaguely popular tourist destination certainly fit the bill. “Something about a whirlwind,” she muttered. “And he told David. David just—” “—Can’t exist without telling you things?” Emma finished. 

“Basically. Why didn’t you tell us you were hearing things?” “Oh my God, I am not hearing things! That’s—I’m just tired and...hallucinating?” “I’m going to be honest, Em, that is not great either,” Ruby pointed out. She took a sip of Emma’s coffee, sticking her tongue out when the temperature was wrong. 

“Get your own coffee then,” Emma sneered. “Ok, ok, so I’m just...listen, this is not a big deal.” Mary Margaret’s eyes were never going to recover. “It’s not! Because it’s not a real thing. There are not actually ghosts in Williamsburg. It’s an old place with old stories and—” “—Ghosts,” David said, appearing in the doorway with a bag of Raleigh Bakery goods in his hand. “I refuse to take responsibility for any of this. Your boyfriend—” “—Come on—” “—Found me before his shift started at the blacksmith, which is where he is by the way now, Em, if you’re planning on killing him before work, and wanted to know if there were any stories we don’t use on the ghost tours. Specifically about a woman looking for help.” Emma lifted her eyebrows. “And?” “And nothing. I can’t find anything.” “Did you look real hard, then?” Ruby asked knowingly. 

“Maybe not real hard,” David admitted. “But we pretty much cover our bases on all the tours. I mean you can ask Regina if you want to, but…” “No,” Emma cried. Her voice cracked on both letters, another less-than-good thing, but she was bouncing between emotions so quickly she kind of felt like a ping pong ball. Or that stupid game with the string and the stick and none of the kids who bought it could ever do it right. “We are not telling anyone about any of this because—” She cut herself off when she heard the first clack of heels, Regina walking into the room with a stack of papers on her hip and bags under her eyes that looked deeper every time Emma saw her. “What are you doing in here?” Regina asked. “Emma, you’re supposed to be opening Tarpley’s five minutes ago.” “Yeah, that’s not how time works. I’m going, I’m going. I’m—” Regina blinked. “Yeah?” “Nothing, I’m fine. Everything is fine.” 

She looked around, as if she were challenging the rest of the room to contradict her and none of them said a word. “Let’s help the tourists learn something, huh?”

She made it through the day. 

No ghost. No voices. 

Just a day filled with overheated families and kids dressed in Colonial garb, more than a few obvious retirees sporting their own tri-corner hats because, for reasons Emma could never understand, that was apparently something people wanted to do. 

She sold replicas of the Declaration and the Constitution, tiny books that reprinted George Washington’s Rules of Civility and Thomas Paines’ Common Sense. And soap. So much soap. People who came to Colonial Williamsburg loved buying soap in bulk and a variety of scents. Lemon, lavender, bayberry. 

All of them. 

Emma’s hands reeked of the scents when she locked the door to Tarpley’s behind her. She didn’t have any extra ghost shifts that night, but she knew Killian was back at the Randolph house and, well—she did like when the crowd gasped. 

So she didn’t consider changing or even going back to the employee rooms, hiking up her skirts and heading towards the palace green and, really, she should have expected it all to go to shit.

The first gust of wind wasn’t much more than a soft breeze, but then the dirt blew up against her ankles and Emma felt like someone had strapped a very strong, nearly indestructible steel pipe to her back. 

Her spine straightened, mouth falling open like something was actually trying to yank the air out of her lungs. She tensed, the lump in the back of her throat making it impossible for Emma to swallow the way she wanted to. 

She tried to lick her lips, but even that was too much movement, shadows extending out from the Governor’s Palace in front of her and whatever sound she heard would probably echo in the back of her consciousness for the rest of her life. 

It wasn’t human. 

That much she knew. 

It sounded like it was coming from an impossible distance and right in front of her, all at the same time, a shrill wail filled with despair and fury and something else just on the edge that felt a hell of a lot like determination. 

And if she hadn’t seen it with her own eyes, Emma would have sworn it was a dream. 

But she was awake and, somehow, still standing there, knees locked into place with what she could only described as awe and bone-rattling fear. Because there was someone running towards her. 

A woman. 

She was dressed exquisitely, a soft yellow fabric that ballooned around her when she ran. There were tears on her cheeks, streaks of kohl and a softness to her mouth that made Emma want to strangle whoever had done this. Several times over. She didn’t slow down, even as she got closer to Emma, a haziness around her that made it obvious she wasn’t entirely there. 

Her shoes clacked on the cobblestone street, sniffling every few moments and Emma couldn’t blink if she tried. 

She followed the woman as she continued forward, head on a swivel and her own breathing turning erratic. The woman’s shoulders heaved, until something changed, abruptly and suddenly, and her gaze snapped directly towards Emma, eyes boring into what genuinely felt like her soul and that steel whatever got even stronger. 

Emma stood up straighter, not sure what was happening, only that it was important and— “You have to help me,” the woman said, voice sounding like it was coming from underwater. “What he did. What he—tried to change. It’s not right.” Emma blinked. Once, twice, three times. “This is a dream. This is a dream. This is a dream,” she chanted, pinching up her arm like that 

would get her to wake up. It didn’t. She wasn’t asleep. 

The woman shook her head slowly. She didn’t take a step forward. That was probably for the best, Emma wasn’t sure what she would do if that happened. “You can help,” she said instead, “make sure the truth is known, what I—what we did. You can make sure it doesn’t happen again. He’s trying. Now. Please. Help me.” Emma didn’t respond. 

And eventually, when she stopped to think of everything that happened that night, how it changed the scope of anything that happened after, she would always regret that just a bit. 

The woman took a deep breath. 

Impressive, since, by all accounts, she was a ghost. 

“Please,” she repeated softly before turning on her heels and floating straight through the front door of the Wythe House. 

She left her right heel on the ground, the sight flickering for a moment, like it was clinging to this plane of existence and Emma couldn’t pull her eyes away. Until. One more burst of light, another sharp wail and— Emma didn’t remember her knees giving out, just a pair of hands around her shoulders and mumbled words in her ear, kisses peppered to every bit of skin he could reach and the goddamn musket was a few feet away. 

“Swan, Swan, Emma, look at me, love, c’mon, I need you to actually show that you’re breathing.”

She didn’t say anything. Again. That was becoming a quickly frustrating habit of hers. 

“Emma,” Killian sighed, only slight frustration. The rest was obvious fear and— “How did you get over here?” she asked. “That’s...aren’t you Randolph’ing tonight?” “Did you just use the family name as a verb?” “Am I awake right now?” Killian kissed her again — just between her brows. “Yeah, you are, love. And I...I don’t know how I knew. I just—” He swallowed, tongue darting towards lips that shouldn’t have been that distracting. All things considered. “I could feel it.” Emma jerked her head back, the condensation from the grass seeping through her skirts. Regina was going to yell about that. Loudly. Incessantly. “Wait, what?”

“It doesn’t make any sense, but—” “—I think I saw a ghost.” To his credit, Killian didn’t laugh. He didn’t really do anything, which was also pretty understandable, but Emma was teetering right on the edge of a complete breakdown and she kind of wanted him to kiss her some more. 

If only to prove this was real. 

“When?” “Just now,” Emma whispered. “She was...she came out of the palace. All fancy dress and she was crying and she said...she said I could help?” “You think it was the same woman? The one who was asking for help before?”

“If there’s more than one ghost involved in this, I will scream very loudly.” That got him to laugh. Killian ducked his head, lips catching Emma’s, and it was over before it really began, which was probably for the best, but she was greedy and dealing with ghosts and her knees were very damp. So she wanted to kiss him. 

For several interrupted minutes. 

No ghosts allowed. 

“Was there anything else?” Killian asked. “I mean she didn’t introduce herself, I’d imagine.” “No, the ghost and I did not exchange pleasantries.” “I’ve never heard of a haunting on the Place Green, that’s…”

“What you asked David about?” Killian blushed, the spots of color on his cheek obvious even under the dim lighting of now-electrical lamps around them. “I was worried,” he said softly. “About—” “—Me?” “Quite a bit, yeah.” “You could feel it?” Emma asked. “Feel what, exactly?”

“I don’t know how to explain it...it was like—like I could feel this tug in the pit of my stomach and I knew it didn’t want me, specifically, but it was like everything that I’ve ever felt for you was disappearing. Like you were…” “Disappearing?” “It sounds crazy, I know.” “I just saw a crying ghost leave her shoe on the grass, so. You know, comparatively.” “She left her shoe?” “Technically,” Emma nodded. “It was a ghost shoe, so it’s not there anymore. But it was silk, I think. Pink.” Killian narrowed his eyes, gears almost turning audibly in his head. He pressed the tip of his tongue to the corner of his mouth. “That’s something, love. What do you say to a little bit of research tomorrow afternoon?”

The Wren Building and the Wren Library were two different places on the campus of William and Mary, a fact that always inexplicably annoyed Emma. But the campus of William and Mary was also absurdly old and, if the stories were true, haunted in several different places and Thomas Jefferson went there, so Emma also figured it was the prerogative of said campus to be frustrating if it wanted. 

She’d already lost track of how long she and Killian had been there, tucked into a corner of the Library, not the Building, with half a dozen stacks of books around them and David’s promise that he’d sneak them ginger cookies from Raleigh at some point. 

“This is pointless,” Emma said, slamming another book closed and ignoring the look of reproach on Killian’s face. He was very worried about offending the books. 

Or possibly the ghosts. 

She hadn’t slept very well the night before. 

“We’re just not looking in the right books, Swan.” “Babe, we are—” She nearly swallowed her tongue. And Killian didn’t tense so much as he smirked at her, which was really, patently stupid when they were also researching ghosts, but maybe boyfriend sounded kind of good, if not just a little antiquated and— “Oh, don’t do that,” Emma mumbled, but that only gave the smirk more power. 

Clap if you believe in using relationship qualifiers. 

That was an out of place reference. “You were saying, love,” Killian drawled, propping his head on his hand. Emma rolled her eyes. 

“We’ll circle back around to that.” “Will we just?”

“Tell me the most out of left field Revolutionary War fact you know.”

“And that will help us how?” “It’ll distract me from finding absolutely nothing about some lady in a yellow dress that, in all likelihood did not exist,” Emma explained, the smirk turning into something that looked a little more genuine. Killian’s chair squeaked when he pushed out of it, in her space in three quick strides and he didn’t react to whatever sound she made when he tugged her up only to pull her back onto his legs. 

He hooked his chin over her shoulder. 

“The Continental Congress tried to replace Washington at one point. When things were at their worst, before Saratoga and the French showed. Lost some of that faith him. You know he didn’t have a picture-perfect military record—” “—Starting the French and Indian War will probably do that to you.” “Ok, it wasn’t Washington specifically.” “It helped,” Emma argued. “And this is really not a lesser-known fact. I also have a degree, you know. Plus the colonists won at Saratoga and Benedict Arnold was a good guy for a while and—” “—the French showed up,” Killian said. “We’re making the same point here, love.” She huffed, equal parts frustration and exhaustion. “The woman didn’t have any other defining characteristics? I’m just...I’m trying to time her.” “Like her 40 up the Palace Green?” He nipped behind her ear, leaving Emma squirming on his lap and they were going to get kicked out of the Library. She hoped David showed up with the cookies before that. “It just doesn’t make sense,” Killian mused. “Once the royal governor left the colony there wasn’t anything at the Palace that would warrant a dress. It was a hospital. That’s—” “—Oh, if you say it’s haunted, I’ll strangle you.” “That’s not romantic at all, Swan.” “And that’s not a disagreement. I know the story, anyway. Used as a hospital during the Siege of Yorktown and French soldiers died there and now kids at the College jump the wall and see apparitions or whatever.” “Have you ever done it?” “Once,” Emma answered, appreciating the look that elicited. “When I first started here. It was Ruby’s idea, obviously. So I went with her and David and M’s. But nothing happened. No ghosts, no weird voices asking me for help. No lady disappearing into the Wythe House.”

Killian jerked back. “Wait, what?” “Did I not mention that yesterday?” He shook his head slowly, the muscles in his throat moving when he swallowed. The lights above them flickered. “Spooky,” Emma muttered, gritting her teeth when Killian pinched her side. “God, stop that. So, yeah, that happened too. She lost her shoe and then kind of...melted through the door, but that’s—that’s not a clue. George Wythe was a really important guy. He had hundreds of people staying with him.” “During the war, though? That would have put him in Philadelphia.” “So he was ahead of his time and came up with a colonial Airbnb.” “Swan.” “I’ve never heard of a ghost story at the Wythe house.” “I have,” David said, and Emma wished he’d stop showing up like that. It was doing damage to her pulse. 

And Killian’s, apparently. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” he growled. The arm around Emma’s waist noticeably tightened. David’s eyebrows lifted. 

“Cookies. And information you can use.” “I thought you said you’d never heard about a woman asking for help,” Emma said, well aware that it sounded exactly like the accusation it was. 

“That’s true, I haven’t. But I have heard about a woman haunting the Wythe house, or at least its staircase and,” he clicked his tongue, squeezing one eye shut in thought, “possibly the upstairs bedroom too.” “God, get to the point.” “The story goes that a woman had been attending an event at the Palace—very Colonial Army, strategizing and—” “—A woman?” Emma interrupted sharply. David glared. She ignored that. “I know, I know. That’s...I’m just—for real?” “Again, the story goes that she was well respected and well married. Her husband had been big money in London, came to the colonies to expand the empire or whatever and ran in close circles with both Washington and the Marquis.” “Lafayette?” “You know another one?” “Give me the goddamn cookies, David.” He chuckled, another step into the room and he’d bought cornbread too. “Do you know what anniversary we’re closing in on?” 

Emma was going to scream. It was going to be dramatic and emotional and college kids would very likely talk in hushed whispers about the Wren Library Incident for years to come. Only, she never got the chance. Killian was talking. 

“The Comte de Grasse showed up in Yorktown. The beginning of the end of the Revolutionary War.” “Ding, ding, ding,” David nodded. “And according to the story some of the plans for the blockade of the Chesapeake that the Comte staged were drafted in a small room outside of the Governor’s Palace. Out by the gardens in the back.” “Where the hospital was?” Emma asked, and David was starting to look a bit like a bobblehead. “Ding. Again. The story goes that the woman was there with her husband, a man named Robert Gold and—don’t make fun of the name, I am not in the mood.” Emma mimed zipping her lips closed. Killian kissed the curve of her shoulder. “Anyway, no one knows why, but something happened in that last meeting and the woman she ran out, not a trace of her ever seen again, except, at midnight, when the sound of one heeled shoe can be heard walking up the stairs in the Wythe House.”

Emma had to look down to make sure her heart had not, in fact, fallen on the floor. She was having trouble breathing. But whether that was from the state of her lungs or just how tightly Killian’s arm was holding her was probably a debate even a group of revolutionaries outside the Governor’s Palace wouldn’t have been able to decide. 

“Shit,” she breathed. “One shoe, David? You’re sure?” “Is that important?” Emma didn’t answer him. She twisted, meeting Killian’s gaze and the tip of his tongue was back in the corner of his mouth. “What do you think?” “I think I have several thousand questions I didn’t have before.” “So list ‘em out.” He kissed her before he said anything else. That was nice. David groaned. 

“Possibly lesser-known Revolutionary fact,” Killian started, “but Washington had two options in 1780. The French were trying to get some support from the French West Indies, but that wasn’t guaranteed and Washington needed to do something drastic to make a move on the British. So he could either follow de Grasse to the Chesapeake or try and recapture New York.” “I mean obviously they didn’t recapture New York.” Killian shook his head. “No, they didn’t. Rochambeau advised them this way because he heard the British were building a deep-water port in Yorktown. And it wasn’t quite a last-ditch effort, but trying to contain Cornwallis down here was...an almost unheard of tactic. A lot of things had to go right and there was a certain amount of subterfuge to it. Washington and Lafayette both engaged British troops to make it seem like they were going for New York.” And it only took her a few seconds to understand. 

The light above them definitely got brighter. “You think he had help,” Emma said, stabbing her finger into Killian’s chest. He caught her around the wrist. “Someone here. Whoever told Rochambeau.” Killian nodded. “I do.” “You think it was Robert Gold?” “Why would someone with deep pockets in London be at a meeting of the minds just months before the British surrender?” Emma’s head was spinning. And racing. And possibly tripping over things. She was very glad she was sitting down. “But what about this woman?” David pressed through a mouthful of cookie. “Why would she run out of a meeting if her husband was helping the colonists? Unless she didn’t want that?” “No, that’s not right,” Emma said quickly. She blinked at the sudden certainty to her voice, as if it wasn’t hers at all, and she really wished her mouth would stop going dry so often. Killian tilted his head. “I don’t—David, do not react to this—she told me that he was trying to do it again. That’s got to be the husband, right?” Killian shrugged.

“Ok, that’s not helpful at all.” “Hold on, hold on,” David cut in. “We’re still talking about Emma’s ghost? Em, did you see someone? Here?” “Not here specifically.” “Oh my God.” “She said that exactly, Swan?” Killian asked. “Again?” 

“Seems important, right?” He hummed, tongue swiping in front of his teeth. She needed to stop looking at his tongue. “America won,” Killian muttered. “That...it all worked the way it was supposed to, eventually, but the road to Yorktown wasn’t great. There were a dozen instances where Washington could have lost control and—” “—These sound a hell of a lot like questions only the woman can answer.”

“No.” “Excuse me?” “I know what you’re thinking Swan and absolutely not.” “Ok, first of all, you are not a mind-reader, so jot that down. And second of all, that’s ridiculous. You are the one who is constantly talking about ghosts and—” Emma cut herself off. She couldn’t help it. Because the look on his face wasn’t one she’d ever seen before and she wasn’t entirely sure she ever wanted to see it again. 

She leaned forward, both hands on Killian’s cheeks. He kissed the inside of her left wrist. David didn’t make any noise. “I don’t know why this is happening,” Emma whispered. “But it is. And it’s...I can hear this woman and I saw her last night and she needs—if I can help her, then I’m going to.” Killian took a deep breath. “I know, Swan. But I’ll be damned if you do it by yourself.”

“Well, this is very romantic and absolutely lovely, but, uh, you guys are both idiots if you think I’m not going too,” David said. 

Emma nearly fell off Killian’s leg. “Are you kidding me?” “Are you? I was the one who knew the story, Em. Plus, something about this just...it feels off, you know?” “The ghosts weren’t a clue?” “You’re using humor to deflect and that’s fair, but I can also get the key for the Wythe house from Locksley. So.” “Fine,” she groused, only faking the irritation a little. “What time would you like to commune with the dead?”

[carewyncromwell]

Jacob/Duncan

XDD Considering that this request came into my Askbox five times in rapid succession, I’m going to guess that someone REALLY wants to hear more about these two!! LOL!! Don’t worry, I will always love talking about my precious ghost boi and my book-smart, people-dumb spaceman. <3

Jacob/Duncan

Ship Theme: I Don’t Know How to Love Him (cover) by Helen Reddy 

Okay, so a lot of this is based just on back-story I’ve developed for my version of Jacob -- Jacob Cromwell -- and his Duncan, since I know there are plenty of people who don’t ship their Jacob with Duncan and there’s a lot the game leaves vague about these two and their past.

Much like Rowan and Carewyn, Duncan and Jacob were each other’s first real friend. Since Jacob’s father was a Muggle, Jacob didn’t learn that he was a wizard until after he received his Hogwarts letter, and so in grade school, he was largely (and kind of unfairly) seen as a delinquent troublemaker for the fights he’d get into with the people who tried to bully him and the magical outbursts that would sometimes ensue. Duncan, meanwhile, lost his mother at a very young age and subsequently had a huge falling-out with his father when he married another woman (who Duncan suspected his father had been romantically involved with while his mother was ill) mere months after his mother’s death. This made Duncan as a boy spend a lot of time with his mother’s parents, just to get away from his father and stepmother, and his maternal grandparents tutored him from their home since Duncan refused to be homeschooled by his new stepmother.

Duncan and Jacob first collided when the first years all had to take boats across the Lake with Hagrid to get to school, and Jacob and Duncan ended up in the same one. Jacob had been so enamored with the castle that he’d tripped over his own two feet and landed full on in Duncan’s lap. The two boys quickly dislodged, and Duncan rather bluntly asked if Jacob was Muggle-born. Jacob said no rather shortly, considering that the Muggle father he disliked so much had just walked out on his family, but within seconds any irritation in his expression was completely gone as he once again became entranced with the school they were approaching. Duncan kept shooting the weird boy looks the entire trip, thoroughly confused since even if the school was impressive, he probably wouldn’t look so love-struck by it himself. Duncan will likely never forget when the first years all entered the Great Hall and Jacob walked the entire way up the hall staring with an open-mouthed smile and starry eyes at all of the floating candles as if he were a kid at Christmas.

Because the two ended up in different houses (Slytherin and Ravenclaw), Duncan didn’t interact with Jacob again until they started having classes together. Jacob pretty quickly became the star pupil in just about every class, which both weirded Duncan out and irritated him considering that Jacob clearly hadn’t known anything about magic beforehand. Duncan probably would’ve nurtured cold resentment toward Jacob were it not for the Ravenclaw one day approaching Duncan in the library, randomly asking him seemingly out of nowhere about the location of the Slytherin commonroom. Duncan sputtered, perfectly bewildered, as Jacob -- in typical confident, airhead scholar fashion -- explained that he’d developed a theory that each of the four houses’ commonrooms were themed around a classical element, with Ravenclaw obviously being air, considering its eagle mascot and location high up in Ravenclaw Tower; Gryffindor being fire for its warm color scheme, Hufflepuff being earth for its association with Herbology and badgers, and therefore Slytherin being water. “Is your commonroom under the Lake?” Jacob pressed curiously. Duncan at first was very defensive about the question, declaring that his commonroom and its location were none of Jacob’s business and rather coolly adding that if Jacob even tried to sneak into the Slytherin commonroom, he’d probably get hexed by a couple dozen older students. Jacob contemplated this for a moment -- then, completely nonplussed, he said with a determined white smile, “...All right -- then I’ll just follow you! No sneaking necessary.” Jacob then proceeded to follow Duncan around for the rest of the day, much to Duncan’s utter exasperation -- but the incident, which did include Duncan actually holding the wall open long enough that Jacob could get a nice long look at his commonroom, made him realize two things about his classmate: 1, that Jacob Cromwell, however smart he was in class, was an absolute idiot; and 2, that he saw the world with a kind of depth and wonder that Duncan had never experienced before.

The two started sitting in class together, and through the years, Duncan found himself enjoying himself at school more and more, being around Jacob and his infectious fascination with everything. It made Duncan come out of his shell and become both snarkier and more prone to mischief -- and Jacob, ever enamored with excitement, was always thrilled to take part. Soon enough Jacob’s housemate Olivia joined their friend circle, and the three got into a lot of trouble and adventures while at school, especially once they started pursuing the Cursed Vaults.

It was circa fourth year that Duncan really started becoming aware of how deep his feelings for Jacob had gotten, but he was all too aware both of how ignorant Jacob was of them and of how intimidated he himself was, feeling them to begin with. Duncan’s grandparents -- the only family members he was still on good terms with -- were conservative enough that Duncan wasn’t sure how well they’d take him being interested in another guy, and Duncan and Jacob would get into petty arguments often enough that Duncan was afraid that their friendship wouldn’t last if they got serious and then broke up. Jacob, for his part, was completely unaware both of Duncan’s feelings for him and his own deepening feelings for Duncan, but subconsciously expressed them from time to time all the same.

One prominent example was when one of their yearmates, a Gryffindor named Sharon Edgecombe, tried to drug Duncan with a Love Potion so he’d ask her to a school dance. Fortunately Jacob figured out very quickly that Duncan’s drink had been compromised after catching a whiff of an unfamiliar smell and, after determining that Olivia, he, and Duncan each smelled different things, he pretty quickly deduced that it was a Love Potion. Without telling Olivia or Duncan, Jacob took some of the drugged drink with him and tried to dilute its ingredients to figure out who had sent the Potion, and he eventually found out that it would’ve made someone fall in love with Sharon Edgecombe. Furious, Jacob went up to the dance now in progress and confronted Sharon. Sharon rather unconvincingly denied having given Duncan the Love Potion, but once her date was out of ear-shot, she made the mistake of muttering under her breath that Jacob was just mad he hadn’t been smart enough to think of doing it first. Jacob in retaliation shoved Sharon so hard that she landed back-first into the punch bowl and brought the entire concession table down with her. Sharon’s date (a rather tough-looking Beater on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team) immediately whipped out his wand, preparing to attack Jacob, when who should come to his rescue but Duncan, who’d run over with Olivia at the sound of the commotion and hexed the Beater with a spell that made sardines spill out of his nose. Duncan and Jacob both ended up in detention and missed the rest of the event, but Olivia was able to pinch a bundle of blue-fire-enchanted streamers from the dance, which the three split and used to decorate their four-poster beds.

After the loss of Olivia, who had often played peace-keeper whenever Duncan and Jacob got into arguments, the two boys found themselves more at odds. What had been fun and exciting had suddenly become very dangerous, and they both knew it. Duncan was willing to push through because of his ambition to be a Cursebreaker, while Jacob found himself only pushing through out of a desire to make up for what had happened to Olivia and to keep R from hurting his mother and sister. A lot of what went down with R and Duncan’s death is still unclear in the game, but the last present Duncan gave Jacob before his death was a set of scarlet dress robes, handsomer and better in quality than anything Jacob had ever owned before. Not long after that, Jacob was expelled from Hogwarts and he found out second-hand that Duncan had died. The two events back-to-back shattered Jacob’s entire world -- now not only did he have no future and no chance of escaping R’s web, but he was now completely alone...and he only had himself to blame. It’s very likely that -- were it not for the memory of his younger sister, Carewyn -- Jacob would’ve ended his life that night. When Rakepick persuaded Jacob to help her with the Portrait Vault, with the thought that he could finally make things right, Jacob wore Duncan’s robes on his mission -- and since he’s been released from the Vault, he’s worn them ever since, with the thought that he wants to be wearing them when he destroys R once and for all.

Duncan and Jacob’s relationship, for me, has ripples of the Steve/Bucky relationship from the MCU if their romance wasn’t totally teased and then never followed through on >>. They each are sort of “out of their own time,” as Duncan died at age 17 and Jacob is still 18 after having been locked in a portrait for seven years. They each were condemned to a fate that was their own worst fear -- Duncan’s fear of being insignificant made him not cross over to the next life, since he would’ve died having accomplished nothing of value, while Jacob’s fear of being trapped and unable to move is brought to terrifying life by his traumatic experience in the Portrait Vault. They each cared so much for each other, but either out of pride or ignorance was unable to act on those feelings before it was too late. This makes it so that Duncan and Jacob, in a strange way, are also each the only one who can truly understand what the other has gone through and is currently going through. For all of Duncan’s resentment, thinking that Jacob didn’t care about his death, he knows somewhere deep inside of him that that resentment comes from his own insecurities about how little he thinks his life meant and how much time he and Jacob wasted. Duncan hates how much his memories of Jacob still hurt him, and it’s only really after meeting and befriending Carewyn that he’s slowly starting to come to grips with how much he’s projected onto Jacob in a vain attempt to absolve himself of his own guilt. And on Jacob’s side, the loss of Duncan has made Jacob more afraid than ever before of losing his mother and especially Carewyn.

But yeah, as if you couldn’t tell, I ship these two to the moon and back. They may not live happily-ever-after, but I’d like to imagine some time, way, way, WAY in the future, their reunion in the after-life would be a very happy event for both of them.

Ship Ask!