#this is what 1 am with no internet does to a person who desperately wants to draw

[skitty-kirby]

Decided to take a small break from Art Fight (combination of sudden bad internet connection + slight burnout) so I made a little midnight shitpost to not get rusty hhhh So here we got more shenanigans: -Skitty is deeply afraid of spiders, her friend Scarlette owns a pet tarantula named "Helix" that she likes to tease her with. RIP those support beams. And my understanding of perspective LMAO -Blade does absolutely speak in keysmash. :^) -Did I ever tell y'all about the time I had an OCxCanon ship of my own? Except the only OC I had almost 11 years ago during my early DeviantArt days was Skitty and uh. Yeah. While it's obviously not canon anymore, it's still something I like to poke fun at every now and then. xD

[corrupted-ciphers]

Thought this would be a fun project to work on! I <3 weird women. My thoughts on each of the characters below the cut. Version without names added below the cut as well.

Current Favorite: I love Junebug, she's been my blorbo recently, she's really weird. I love her. As I started this project though, I also started playing ENA Dream BBQ. I've been waiting for it for four years now, and damn was it worth the wait. It's a surreal game about ENA's adventures to find the b̷̸̸̡̧͇̜͎͙͙̥̥͚̫̪̩̩̏͑ͩ̓̇ͪ̋̑ͧ̂̃͊͋͘͝͡͝ͅ_̗̖͕͉̻ͯ̍̒ͤ̊́a̢͉̺̫̙̳͓̣̗͔̙̻̔͑̿͛͛̀̽͒̂̒ţ̡̧̼͙̰̥̳̹̻̍ͫ͋̌̏ͮͣ́̔ͯ͊̇ͤͪ͐̿̉ͫͨͧḩ̷̧̡̛̞̩̹͙̱͍̯͇͉̪̫̹̭͙̭͉͚ͬͯ̄̄͗ͯ̅̐̀́ͯ̈́͂̇͆̾͂͘͘͢͠r̾̆͢_̽̆ơ̶̸̡̡̛̠̥͓͔̪̲̥̥̱͙̲̲̫̖̽̊̎̎͒͊̅̔͐̄̈́̓̈́͊ͩ̂̋͘ͅȍ̶̢̙͕͍̰͓̖͉̼ͯ͆ͮͩ̓ͭͭ͑̿́́͢͝͠m̵̧̛̗͉͔̯̦͙̟̼̲̜̫̱͊͋̀̊͊ͯͤͬ͆ͭ̽̃̄̔̋̾͞. Chapter 1 is out now and free to play on Steam right now, and I highly recommend it! Anyway, Junebug is my girl, I love her.

Comfort: Okay, I know the reception ch 4 of Poppy Playtime has been receiving. Do I think chapter 4 is scary? No. Do I think it's good? Also no. Do I think it's hilarious? Hell yes I do. We got several game breaking bugs that were honestly rather amusing, and also the devs letting you move around in Doey's monologues is honestly the funniest decision they made. You can clip into him and let him just eat your head mid talk. He'll also fling you if you stand on his limbs while he talks, it's great. We nearly got killed by him flinging us under the pipe in that one section where he gets froze. Having said all that bad stuff, I love Doey. Okay, there's a lot going on in my life right now, and he came along in the middle of that. As the older sister to three little brothers, I relate to Doey in multiple ways. He is me, he is my brothers, and I just want to give him a big hug himself. I too am trying desperately to pick up the pieces of our home life collapsing around us, while trying to keep my little brothers happy and managing my own angry outbursts. It was a (in my opinion) jankily written scene, but the bit where Doey was torn up over Safe Haven getting destroyed really got to me. It was probably tied to the emotional state I was in when I played the chapter, but damn, I get it man. I too failed to protect those around me from what I knew was inevitable but selfishly pushed to the back of my mind. Damn, I really was made to hurt things and fuck up too bud. I get it. And in a lore perspective, Doey is three little boys mashed together. I have three little brothers, need I say more about that? This character has consumed my life, and I just want to give him a hug. Although honestly his in-game model is a little oily looking tbh. Also Michael Kovach knocked it out of the park with his performance here. Also also, fuck you devs for making us squish/kill Doey in the end. If he's actually dead I'm gonna be so mad at you guys.

By Design: Look man, I like women. I like murderous women. I mean, when I first saw the original Alice, I was still a child and wasn't pan yet, but like, she likely contributed. hnnnrg, girls.

By Plot: Unlike Doey who brings me comfort when I relate to him and kicks in my material instincts towards anyone even remotely younger than me, Jupe's relation to me does not bring me comfort. Instead my connection to Jupe is more uneasy. Ricky and I both express our traumas in similar ways. That is to say monetize them and put them on display for all the entitled voyuers out there on the internet for attention. Now, I'm obviously not someone who was a victim of a chimp attack, but there's that familiar death of childhood there. I've grown up with an abusive father, which I didn't realize the extent of until this divorce is going through. And guess what my most prominent stories feature? yeah. I'm also the type of person to build a shrine to my trauma like him. While Ricky's is obviously a little more extreme, I still have my hospital bracelet from my appendectomy. That is not a normal response. I wear my first dog's tag on a chain, and when it's not worn it's next to that hospital band. Most of my stories involve my internal or external traumas in some way, just like Jupe capitalized on the exploitive movies and shows he was roped into as a child. I'm white, but I'm a woman and I'm queer. I get being the token item. Reduced to stereotypes. Forced to uphold other stereotypes in a never ending cycle of wanting to be on top, of vainly hoping that others will finally accept you into their group. But they won't. Jupe's storyline makes me viscerally uncomfortable, but my favorite part is the end. Just before Jean Jacket eats him, we see his lips twist into a smile. Faint, but there. Because finally, for the first time in his life, Ricky isn't defined by what groups he's part of, he's not vying for anyone's attention, he's not this special chosen one because he survived all those years ago, he's just like everyone else. He's merely food for that creature. And that is a freeing feeling. Finally, something has accepted him the way he is, with no fighting, no tense acceptance into a world that could throw you away at any time, he's finally safe. And for that, I think he loves Jean Jacket. Because I know, there's parts of me that wish the same. A release from the responsibility, and freakish nature of myself since I'm so different than those around me. If Doey is my comfort character, Ricky "Jupe" Park is my discomfort character. (In a good way)

Guilty Favorite: Look man, she's weird as fuck. She also saved my nightmare mode run. Again, I love weird women. Choo Choo Charles is great because it knows its lane and sticks to it. It knows it's a goofy ass train spider game, and it sure does deliver on that premise. Pickle Lady is so bizarre, I love her. I can't help but love her. Is she a good character? No. Do I like her anyway? Yeah.

All Time Favorite: DO I even need to say much about this guy? It's FNAF. It's toilet Bonnie. It's the boy. I love him. My favorite animatronic since I was like 12. Hell yeah dude, let's keep it up.

[peachy-panic]

Companion, pt. 1

New Do No Harm content? In the current timeline? In 2024 the year of our lord? Could it be?

Here's part 1 of a couple-part saga in the Sebastian contract, which I lightly foreshadowed here.

WARNINGS: Not much outside the usual BBU tag and the uncomfortable power dynamics that come with it.

The house is warm when Sebastian gets home, in every sense of the word. A candle flickers an inviting glow on the coffee table, and the smell of garlic and onions rushes to greet him. As expected, he finds Jaime posted in the kitchen, tending to his latest creation on the stovetop. On the small bluetooth radio beside the toaster, a song he doesn’t recognize is playing.

It’s taking some time for Sebastian to get used to coming home to someone. For so long, for most of this adult life, it has been dark, empty apartments or cold, distant roommates, never allowed past arm’s length. And now, there’s Jaime, who has entered his life like a bullet and smiles over his shoulder when Sebastian walks into the room. 

He is getting better these days at reading his smiles, and this one, at least, appears to be genuine. Relieved, almost, that he is home. 

“Hi,” Jaime says first.

“Hello,” Sebastian echoes, dropping his coat over the back of a barstool. “What are we making?”

“It’s an Ezra recipe,” Jaime says, wiping his palms on his pants. “Is soup okay tonight? If that’s not substantial enough, I am happy to make something else with it.”

Sebastian does not let his smile drop or fade, no matter how desperately uncertain Jaime sounds. “Soup sounds great, Jaime. It smells amazing.”

It’s the truth, too. It’s a difficult balance, wanting to compliment his prowess in the kitchen and appreciate the genuine joy he seems to derive from it, while also trying not to think of the how and why. Sebastian doesn’t know much about what “training” looks like inside the facility, especially for the specialized domestic tasks that would have been assigned to Jaime, and he doesn’t particularly like speculating on the details. From everything he’s seen in the clinic, he knows that none of it is pleasant.

“How was work?’ Jaime asks, then seems to catch himself. He stiffens, looking sheepishly away. “Sorry. You probably aren’t allowed to talk about that.”

Sebastian snorts. “If only doctor-patient confidentiality applied in a place like that.” The words come out before he can consider the significance they carry to the person he’s speaking to. Guilt spikes sharp in his chest. “Sorry, that wasn’t…”

“It’s okay.” Jaime smiles, but it’s a tense, brittle line. 

“Um.” Sebastian clears his throat, trying to get their conversation back on the rails before he ruins the evening completely. “My day was okay. It was fine.” He shakes his head, pressing his fingers briefly to his eyes. “That was a lie. It was terrible, as usual. I don’t think I need to convince you that having a good day in that building would be a poor reflection of one’s character.” 

So much for salvaging the conversation, Tate. 

“Anyway, how was your day?” 

Jaime pulls the hand towel down from his shoulder and begins wiping at an invisible spot on the counter. “It was fine, thank you.”

Sebastian watches him, trying hard not to scrutinize the pre-packaged reply. His answer is always something of the same tune when Sebastian inquires about his day, never anything less than “fine,” never forthcoming on the details. It’s not the first time it’s sent Sebastian into a bit of a spiral about a concern he’s had from the very beginning: how does Jaime spend his days? Is he happy here? Has Sebastian provided him with enough resources to carve out some semblance of a life here?

He has tried. He has provided him access to the internet and all the movies streaming had to offer, he bought Jaime a reading tablet and granted blanket permission to fill it with as many books as he wants, he has given enthusiastic encouragement for Jaime to go for runs or walks whenever he’d like. It doesn’t feel like enough. He still ends up spending his long days at work wondering if Jaime is at home feeling like a prisoner. 

Sebastian pushes the thought away for now. 

“Is there anything I can help with?” He asks.

“It’s almost done, actually.” Jaime taps the excess liquid from the wood spoon and lays it on a ceramic dish. “Just needs a few more minutes to simmer. Sorry, I hoped it would be ready by the time you got home.”

Sebastian gives him a look. “You don’t have to cook at all,” he says. “Let alone have it hot and waiting at the table. You’re aware of my microwave burrito phase? My standards are low.”

“I remember.” Jaime assures him.  “I don’t mind, though. I like trying new recipes. Ezra lent me a cookbook. I tabbed a few that look interesting. If they look good to you, that is.”

“You have yet to steer me wrong. I’m starting to think it’s impossible for you to cook anything less than a masterpiece.”

The slight stutter in Jaime’s stirring is quick enough that Sebastian can brush it off as his imagination. 

“It passes the time,” Jaime says, a bit quieter. 

“What?”

“Cooking. Planning the meals, ordering the ingredients. Prep and cook time,” he elaborates. “It’s productive, is all I mean.” Jaime has gone tense, the way he does when he seems to say more than he means to, but he recovers quickly. 

The soup is ready shortly after, and dinner is delicious as always, but Sebastian can’t get out of his own head enough to really enjoy it. Jaime’s words—it passes the time—bounce around inside his skull, breaking open all sorts of subtext and confirming all of Sebastian’s fears. 

They’re cleaning up afterward, Sebastian scrubbing the dishes while Jaime dries, when a thought that’s been brewing spills out of his mouth. 

“Have you ever had any pets?” Sebastian asks, apropos of absolutely nothing. Jaime shoots him a quick side glance without pausing in his work. 

“Once,” he says after a beat. 

Sebastian knows it’s tricky ground, getting too close to details from Jaime’s past. He knows the rules he is bound by and how closely Jaime tries to follow them, even if sometimes Sebastian thinks he might be getting more and more comfortable with little rebellions. Sebastian is still riding the high from a couple weeks prior when Jaime had gifted him and Ezra the small nugget of truth that he used to play soccer, in his life before the system. What might have been an insignificant detail to anyone else was such a fragile, entrusted thing.

Sebastian doesn’t want to pry, though. He decides to keep his questions more general. 

“Do you like animals?”

“Yes.” That answer comes much quicker. 

“Would you…” Sebastian pauses, making sure he’s positive about the proposition he is making before he makes it. He is. “Tell me honestly if this isn’t something you’re interested in, and I won’t be offended in the slightest. I was wondering… if that might be something you would be interested in. Having a pet here.”

Jaime takes a minute to answer, like he’s choosing each word carefully. “Would it be solely for my benefit?”

“No,” Sebastian assures him, and it’s not a lie. “It’s something I’ve thought about before, but I don’t have a lot of experience with pets. Zero, to be exact, unless you count a goldfish that lived for under a week when I was seven.” He pauses. “I do worry about you getting lonely, though. Staying here by yourself all the time.”

“I don’t mind being alone.”

“I know. I just wonder if it might be nice to have some company. Something to look after.” Something to bring you comfort. Anything to make you happy here. 

A quiet falls over them, interspersed with the sound of running water and dishes clanking around in the sink, and Sebastian starts to think of how to walk this back. Because clearly this is something that gives Jaime pause. 

“What about…” Jaime starts, then stops. Sebastian puts down the dish he is working on and looks at him. Jaime meets his eyes for a split second and then averts them again. “Would you keep it, even after I’m gone?”

And shit. Maybe it’s a good thing he put the cup down in the sink, because Sebastian is pretty sure it would have shattered in his hand from the force of his grip. And he realizes, not for the first time, that the longevity of this… arrangement is something they need to talk about. In detail. At length. Soon. But now doesn’t seem like the right time. 

“If I brought a living creature into my home,” he starts carefully, “then this would become its home, too. It will be here for the long haul.”

After a long, weighty silence, he sees Jaime nod in his periphery. 

“I think I’d like that.”

****

@whumpervescence @shiningstarofwinter @distinctlywhumpthing @whumptywhumpdump @nicolepascaline @anotherbluntpencil @hold-him-down @crystalquartzwhump @maracujatangerine @batfacedliar-yetagain @thecyrulik @pumpkin-spice-whump @finder-of-rings @melancholy-in-the-morning @insaneinthepaingame @skyhawkwolf @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump @mylifeisonthebookshelf @dont-touch-my-soup @whump-world @inpainandsuffering @cicatrix-energy @quietly-by-myself @whumpsday @extemporary-whump @the-whumpers-grimm @thebirdsofgay @firewheeesky @whumperfully @hold-back-on-the-comfort @termsnconditions-apply  @cyborg0109  @whumplr-reader  @pinkraindropsfell  @whatwhumpcomments @honeycollectswhump @pirefyrelight @handsinmotion @alexmundaythrufriday @scoundrelwithboba

[draculadailydrinks]

Days 11-18

Holy I forgot to get this out of the drafts aaAAAAH-

THIS WILL BE EVERYTHING PRIOR TO DROUGHTCULA I WILL MAKE ANOTHER POST FOR THE ONES AFTER

MAY UPDATE:

Another mass post due to end of the year events plus was out of state for a few days, so unfortunately no drink for the 25th.

JUNE UPDATE:

Oh man this post is going to be really long-Apologies for the silence as well, I am in fact alive and I will do my best to turn this into simultaneous updates with the chapters since this almost became a monthly drink blog. With the June chapter reactions (except for 6/17) they had a chance to process and marinate a bit (unfortunately some of the live reactions in June didn't save properly) so I would ramble about the chapters after presenting the drinks.

In all ways a lot happened and I've been enjoying this so much I actually love how I'm going in this blind and not knowing what happens does enhance the immersion and maximize the dread.

This weekend I'd be in a place with terrible internet access so if any chapters are posted, I'd get back when I'm home again with the dribks.

AND HERE WE GO HAS BEEN A WILD SERIES OF EVENTS

5/18

Blueberry lemonade

This may have taken longer than the strawberry one despite it taking less steps, mainly because the blueberries took so long to strain. I also realized that after I poured the rest of the water in some of the pulp kept floating up to the top so removing that took up time as well. To make a darker blue, I've added butterfly pea tea but it just made a dark purple due to the acidity in the lemon juice and blueberries.

The next few days are a break from the blood red theme since the way Dracula treats Johnathan and his whole situation lowkey reminds me of the Bluebeard fairytale, especially the thing about the doors. I really should look up if the fairy tale is older than the Bram Stoker (i've been spelling this name wrong as stokes the whole time-) because the idea of a host that's first welcoming but later is revealed to be manipulative and dangerous (Bluebeard with the whole hanging his past wives in a cellar, Dracula threathening John to not tell any signs of struggle and the whole thing of him presenting himself as a "better choice" than either 1. the wolves and 2. lady vampires and one of which was staged. the baby in the bag)

The way this journal entry is so short freaks me out. This is who notes details about the setting and the house and small things the best he can the fact he looked for the room first thing in the morning and knowing that he needs to do something before it's too late-

Yeah. The death flags are getting stronger and when before it was more like "I'm in danger I need to keep an eye on how things are going" but now it's more urgent and desperate with the way he's acting.

I actually don't know if he's making it out there alive now...

5/19

OH MAN WE'RE REALLY IN THIS NOW. AAAH. AAAAAAAAH WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE OY HAS 3 LETTERS TO SEND WHAT ARE THE DATES ARE WE ONLH GETTING THE NEXT 3 CHAOTERS THEN HOLY CRAP.

Tried again in making a blue drink with the butterfly pea tea and some juice. I've steeped the tea longer and the blue looks amazing just look at how deep and vibrant it turned out-

added the same grape juice in a can i've used last time

Also became more of a reddish purple thought it tasted pretty good, plus I like how the grape pieces in the drink look like floating eyeballs or glowing stuff under light.

Aah. So it's established Dracula does not want him dead because he needs John alive for intel on Britiain as he would need to blend in when he goes overseas to create the bloodshed. However the fact Dracula needs him for that long--or wants people to think he needs to stay for that long and is doing totally fine-- is very worrying. What else does he need will he actually use John as his personal blood supply especially after the nighttime encounters with his 3 lady vampire roommates in his walls?

OH NOT TO MENTION JOHN IS STILL BITTEN. HOW IS HIS VAMPIRE TRANSFORMATION GOING TO TAKE PLACE IS THAT WHY THE COUNT WANTS HIM TO STAY (not sure if being a vampire transmits by bite holds in the og novel but those sort of details always come back to bite you aaah....)

5/24

Jasmine Grapefruit Tea

I'd wanted to make this for a while because along with peach oolong, it's one of the teas I order the most when I go to get boba. The grapefruit being ripe helped with the taste as some of the fruit juices seeped into the tea while the tea seeped into the grapefruit.

For 1 glass, I used 1 teabag of jasmine tea (can subsitute with tea of choice) and half a grapefruit that I cut into small pieces then swirled around to make the pieces smaller.

5/26

Rose Hibiscus tea with grape juice

It turns out the rose tea I've been using also had hibiscus in it, maybe for color and/or taste?

The last can of grape juice goes in this one and while it had slightly less grapes than usual, there being three visible ones was fitting for this chapter.

Despite steeping the tea for longer, there was more juice in the can than I thought so it mostly tasted like grape juice with a hint a floral. (still relly nice though)

5/28

Cherry lemonade with rose syrup

(For the last photo I tried to freeze a cherry in rose syrup to make it like candy but the syrup did not freeze so I just ate it)

I made homemade rose syrup! There were only 1-2 of the rose hibiscus teabags, but I like the color so I wanted to make them last a bit longer.

After measuring equal volumes of tea and the sugar, I mixed them over a stovetop until the sugar completely dissolved and it becomes slightly less watery. According to what I found, it's recommended that you store homemade syrup in the fridge in an airtight container to prevent mold growth.

Now for the actual drink:

Fruit bits consist of 8 pitted black cherries cut into small pieces, then mixed with 2 tablespoons of rose syrup from above in a smaller container. A small whisk worked well, was easier than using a spoon to smash the cherries because I could both crush as I mix.

After putting the cherry mix into the glass, I added 2 tablespoons of lemon juice and filled it up with sparkling water.

5/31

Cherry punch

Hard to see in the photo but there are canned grapes inside. I have acquired more of the canned grape juice and poured the entire can into the glass, put 5-6 pitted black cherries along with 1 tablespoon of rose syrup.

I find it interesting that from the vivd coral color one wouldn't expect it to mostly taste like grape juice. The grape pieces were more visible irl but barely show up on the photos, and the way the cherries float makes you look at them first away from the grapes on the bottom.

Does remind me of a certain Count who is absolutely normal and not terrifying and does not crawl on the walls like a lizard.

6/5

Pink limeade

Aka my attempts to rim a glass but instead end up drinking sparkling water with 4 packets of lime powder (dehydrated and crystallized lime juice the one I used is called True Lime)

Ok so at first I tested how sticky the rose syrup will be by spreading it around the cup, then sprinkling 1 packet of lime powder inside. The powder stuck fine to the sides of the glass, but wasn't as syrupy and I didn't want to risk syrup running down my hands as I drank. Also, the lime powder was concentrated to 1 side so I opened up another packet to make it look even.

After that was alternating between sparkling water, rose syrup and the lime packets to prevent it from being too sweet/watery/or sour and all I tasted was the lime. Wasn't terrible but I think next time searching up how to rim a glass would be more efficient.

RAMBLES UNDER HERE:

And onto Lucy and her polycule:

Lucy is so interesting.

In her initial letter she gives off the impression of a typical Victorial lady first talking about her attraction to Arthur, but after that it becomes more personal and intimate. She cherishes Mina and her company and yearns for more time with her as she keeps mentioning how she can imagine a future alongside her, at the same while she insists the letters be secret.

Because while I do feel like her feelings towards Arthur are genuine, her attitude and yearning towards Mina is so strong despite telling her that she has a crush on Arthur. She yearns to feel Mina because what they had was that special, and I'm so glad Lucy can comfortably confide in Mina knowing how secretive she is. (They were roommates. They shared secrets to each other aaAAAAAAAA)

"My dear, it never runs but pours."

The fact Lucy does appreciate all the proposals though knowing that she'd have to reject the earnestness of 2 people. Her wanting to not dissappoint and also knowing it's not socially acceptable to accept all three proposals, yet also questioning why not? why can't a girl accept all three, or as many as she wants?

Considering the time period and her position...knowing the homophobia and expectations for women then, and her knowing how she "should" act yet can't stop her emotions bc she does care and are interested in John and Quincy. I think she'd also mentioned how she would have accepted any of their proposals if not for the fact she already likes Arthur too.

Oh and with this especially towards her convo with Quincy at the end, it also feels like she's not sure how him and Jack can be understanding and affectionate towards her when she's not sure of who she is. There's something about her looking into the mirror, and writing Mina:

"Do you ever try to read your own face? I do, and I can tell you it is not a bad study, and gives you more trouble than you can well fancy if you have never tried it."

Lots of thoughts about this as she's the second character to mention mirrors/looking at oneself in relation to vanity.

OH ALSO wanted to say it's so nice that Jack and Quincy were willing to offer their friendship after knowing Lucy isn't interested romantically I really love that.

Quincy being an American cowboy was not what I was expecting from a gothic novel set in Transylvania and Britain but I love him and his va for Re:Dracula. There's so much heart and warmth to hus voice and despite Quincy being rejected, he's genuinly happy for Art and wants to campfire with him and Jack. I need to know what happened they can't leave me hanging after mentioning how Quincy and Arthur "...dressed one another's wounds after trying a landing at the Marquesas; and drunk healths on the shore of Titicaca". Gives me the vibes of "they were roommates" there is something between them already i kNOW WHAT YOU ARE. Everyone in here is so bi and love that so much

AND JOHN GOING THROUGH THE GRINDER.

He goes from fearing the lady vampire and the Count Dracula apperance is no dream and then is "in the tolls" a day later. Then gets his letters found out and then have his clothing, papers, and stuff be gone then locked in a room. We're really in this now each time his isolation keeps escalating huh...

CRAP THE META I PUT UNDER HERE WAS NOT SAVED BC BAD DATA I'LL DO MY BEST

It's the fact that Dracula's treatment of Johnathan reminds me so much of domestic abuse. He first starts out as welcoming, but also presenting himself as Johnathan's only safe and reliable choice. It's either the wolves or the lady vampires and in both times, Dracula is the one who puts Johnathan out of the situation despite us later finding out the Count could control the wolves. In addition to that, the way Dracula speaks to Johnathan about him trying to get the Romani to send the letters during his solitary confinement--as if Johnathan has first broken hospitality--sounds like that if Johnathan hadn't "acted out" the situation won't even happen despite how Dracula has been lying to Jonathan and keeping him captive all this time. He also has Jonathan not to mention what happens to him in the castle by telling him to write to his loved ones how he's doing just fine, as he later takes away Johnathan's ways of recording proof and all his belongings which only increases his isolation. Also, the part about hospitality is first brought up by Dracula despite both of them knowing what this situation really is. Regardless, Dracula is the one who's in control of defining Johnathan's role in this place.

Totally see the metas and analysis of Johnathan being in the role of a gothic heroine in this as his agency gets further stripped away and I genuinly fear for his safety. Really impressed by how some of the most terrifying parts don't even involve Dracula being a vampire but the psychological toll it's taking on John.

On another note I do like the reading of Dracula forcing the Romani to give up the letters, rather than them doing the Count's evil bidding

(which considering the racist and stereotypical depiction of them was the intended reading. Also very glad I did research on the terminology used bc dang. on top of the negative portrayal of ethnic groups using a slur to refer to them...)

Because the Count has lied to Johnathan before, and also it does connect to how Dracula tries to make it that Johnathan cannot rely on anything else in this environment. He asserts his power over the area and the people who live in it by violence, and it further shows how far Dracula could go to cut off Johnathan's ways of help or communication and gives the actions of the Romani man other meanings than the one based on harmful stereotypes.

Doesn't seem like Johnathan's situation is going to get any better as he's completly stripped of most of the things from Britain. It's still chilling without any mention of the Count as he's the only suspect that could pull this off, and for what? The fact that he has no connection or way to recount this situation is harrowing.

(More thoughts on Jack coming up in the post-droughtcula post today, and thanks for waiting! This took way too long but yeet. it is done)

[askanautistic]

(1/2) One of my special interests is a 1960s cartoon that is a huge mess in every possible way (repetitive, mediocre animation, etc). It makes me happy but it still embarrasses me too much to talk about it with most people. Although the obscurity and lack of content made me really desperate, my biggest barrier is the fact that it is the fact that it's very politically incorrect by today's standards. I'm fully aware of it and I'm critical of all of my interests but I'm more worried about people

(2/2) taking it the wrong way and being uncomfortable. I also really want the DVD set with the full series except I'm too embarrassed to ask for it. On a more positive note, I have an idea for a fanfic where I will turn it into a serious thing. It will address all of the issues, and I have a very genius way on how I will reframe canon. I am also writing one of the main characters as (undiagnosed) autistic, and although I don't have a plot yet I do know it will center around him.

I'm not really sure what you're asking? Are you just hoping for some support, or reassurance? An opinion? Realistically very few things are morally perfect because no person is morally perfect. And society's attitudes and expectations towards things change over time. The most acceptable terminology can change. So even things that seem 'good' now might not be viewed as being quite as 'good' in the future. There are lots of things that age poorly based on people becoming more educated over time.

It often becomes a case of weighing everything up:

thinking about why we enjoy something or what parts of something we enjoy. Is it just nostalgic, is it certain characters, or is it the problematic content itself (which would probably be a bit of an issue and might suggest that it might be an unhealthy interest)?

thinking about how we're engaging and whether the way we engage is harmful. Watching a show in private vs watching it openly where people might be uncomfortable or uncertain of your opinions on the negative aspects of that particular media? Watching a pre-owned DVD, or adding to ratings by watching on TV/buying a ticket to see something.

Is the creator (still) problematic (or, if they are dead, did they learn and grow and change before they passed)? People can be ignorant, can make mistakes, and can then learn from those mistakes and grow and do better. I'm not interested in cancelling someone who posted something horrible on their Twitter account 12 years ago but have since matured/worked to improve and no longer hold those views. If that person had included something problematic in a novel or song they wrote, I'd probably be able to overlook it if they'd recognised they were wrong, apologised and made effort to make up for it and to do better in future.

Is the creator still alive? (Does death of the author apply?) So if you buy or are bought the boxset, will that benefit the creator of the show? Roald Dahl is a dead raging antisemite and Kanye West is a living raging antisemite. As a Jewish person, I wouldn't be as uncomfortable seeing someone openly reading one of Dahl's book on a train as I would hearing someone listening to West's music. I know Dahl isn't benefitting from someone purchasing or reading his book, and I know it's likely that a current reader might not be aware of Dahl's antisemitism. Whereas I'd know West is benefitting from a listener's support, and that his antisemitism is so public it's unlikely that someone listening to him isn't aware of it. [I wonder whether 'death of the author' will apply less in the future with so many current creators and celebrities being platformed so prolifically on social media/the internet in general.]

weighing up the issues vs the good. Is this media generally just awful, or are there positives? How offensive or problematic are the negative bits? Mild enough it can be overlooked or criticised without having to throw out the entire show, or strong/vile enough that there's no redemption possible?

the intent of the creator (ignorance that can be rectified, or intentional harm?), and the impact it had on audiences at the time and what the impact would be on audiences now. OR was it satire? Sometimes content that seems bigoted is poking fun at the bigots, but people misconstrue the content or cannot reconcile their discomfort with the intention (perhaps the bigotry is supposed to make you feel uncomfortable).

whether your engagement with something you have deemed to be problematic can be used for good. People often engage with outdated and problematic media to educate themselves, to understand the argument or point of view, to learn about social climate or to understand the creator, to be better able to debate with people who support the content, to write informative reviews or critiques, to educate. So consumption isn't always a sign that someone agrees with whatever it is they're consuming. Or it might be research into how to recreate and improve something - like you describing taking the good aspects to create it how you'd like it to be. We can't always ignore outdated media just because it has content that would no longer be acceptable - sweeping it under the rug, so to speak, creates the illusion that there were never issues with things like very open and public displays of racism or sexism in the past. This interest, as much as it brings you joy, could possibly also be used to educate. It can also be useful sometimes to point out media that was more progressive around the same time as problematic media, to show that it's not just a sign of the times, or excusable.

Thinking about these things might make you feel more confident in asking for the boxset, if you still want it, and feeling able to explain to people why you're interested in it and making it clear you recognise there are issues with it.

If you find any of my posts helpful please consider leaving me a tip.

[lutiaslayton]

Hello! You seem to be knowledgeable about Japan-exclusive Layton stuff so I wanted to ask if you knew how many chapters were there in Mansion Of The Deathly Mirror? I tried to look it up myself but I couldn't find an actual answer

Thank you for all your translations btw I really appreciate them!

Hi, and thanks! <3 There are six chapters in total. For more info, I will simply give you (and anyone else who reads this) a Reddit post:

This post explains everything we know about Mansion of the Deathly Mirror and how to deal with the fact that this game is lost media.

That link aside, I have a transcript planned for Mansion of the Deathly Mirror just like I did with Chelmey's Casebook and London Holiday, but I don't even have the full first chapter completed yet, so I'll have to catch up whenever I have the time and materials to do so. I haven't had the time to work on it in many months, but don't worry, I haven't forgotten about it and I WILL make a better, FULL version of the translation, as soon as I can get to it (but right now I'm kinda supposed to be preparing for my PhD defence hahahahaha).

Now for some ramblings related to the above-linked Reddit post. Long story short: we have chances of securing the game. But for that to happen, we need to be patient, and we need to be silent. If you ever find footage of the game on youtube or elsewhere, no matter what you do, leave the player alone.

Let them upload at their pace and gather the crumbs as they fall off the table, because asking for them to let you eat the whole cake has never worked in the past. By that I mean: asking someone who owns the game "hey can I see your cool shiny thing asap plz plz plz" will result in that person blocking you, no longer posting any footage or content related to that cool shiny thing, and possibly disappearing off the face of the entire internet forever. I am neither joking, nor exaggerating.

I'm not talking that much about MotDM because we don't want to get too much attention drawn to it for the time being. But don't worry, if this game ever is found (and we have a whole team searching for it, we're just secretive on purpose -- for the reasons I mentioned here and for those that are explained in more detail in the Reddit post), we WILL make sure that the fandom knows about it. It's mostly just that right now, the only person we know who has the game and is somewhat willing to make a playthrough does not want any unwanted attention, and this person is not a friend of ours. They will stop uploading if people ask for them to upload faster, and they already threatened once to delete all their videos when someone asked them if they could "share the ROM." (No. No they won't. And even if they were willing to, we can't even make anything out of a ROM yet because of the hardware being stupidly complicated anyway.)

---

So there you have it -- your answer is "6," and I could have left it at that because I have no strict obligation to say anything more since you didn't ask for any other info haha.

Unless you want to dive into this endless rabbit hole, I highly suggest you just keep that answer, leave it at that for now, and go about your day minding literally anything else. We will get back to you and the rest of the fandom once we have real news about it! It's just that for now we're all stuck in limbo hahaha, there's some stuff done in the shadows but nothing worth hyping about until we're done with it. I mean -- we can't do anything until the one (1) person who owns the game decides to upload more footage of it. Given how desperately lost this game is, we should actually be happy we get to have anything at all, even if even NWoS might come out before it.

[EDIT] Needless to say, the player who is sharing some gameplay footage does NOT know that I have a website with the beginning of a fan-translation, and if they learn even so little that it exists, they are going to have a heart attack and will likely delete their entire playthrough. And nobody wants that.

I personally won't celebrate and heave a real breath of relief before footage of the full game from start to finish with as much content as possible is secured, which is why I don't talk about it a lot. I'm just paranoid that something might go wrong like it already has multiple times in the past hahaha

---

DO NOT show my website link around at random until I say it's ok to do so. And if you share it with friends, ALWAYS mention that I am the one running it. That way if you or your friends have questions, you know who to ask for explanations.

[ramayantika]

Random free gyan for chotus here

I took time off from social media, news, everything for a while. I logged out of my main insta page. I used the internet only to watch lectures, dance and writing. I have come back but I no longer login to tumblr like I used to nor do I use my other accounts for Instagram that much. My main account is still logged out since 27th August. Hence, here are some few things I discovered/realized

1. Navigating through loneliness, FOMO, and restlessness about your work/future/friends etc

I took a drop year in 2022, gave entrance exams till July and I have now secured a college. All this while I barely talked to my school friends who themselves were busy in their courses and college activities. So it does feel sad and a little depressing seeing everyone do other stuff while you are here in a small room studying the same 11th 12th books.

Then I made a new insta account once again after my exam dates neared so I would reconnect with everyone again. Does it happen so easily? Not at all. I was still alone. I would like reels, stories and posts but apart from that nothing except a few calls from friends.

That did give me a desperation to share everything about myself. No one to talk to, no friend nearby and you have so much to talk. I remember staying late up and writing god knows what on my closed stories, ranting about my crying episodes every damn thing. Then after getting a college I was still feeling lost, thinking what to do ahead regarding my career plans. I would then chat with whoever I found from school groups or online friends groupchats late at night but a lot of it was just shallow interaction because I wanted to pass time and not utilize time. We all write about the strange cringe feeling we get after oversharing about ourselves, put up memes for it, but do we ever work on it.

Yes, you can shitpost on tumblr, reblog those relatable posts but you have to put in work to control yourself. And after a while I was fed up. I knew I needed to change it. I needed to put a line over myself which made me disable and log out social media accounts. I came back home after completing my admission related work at my college, finally deciding to find my own worth, fix my restless hopeless personality for wanting to share everything on the first online app I get. This doesn't mean that you stop posting on tumblr. I literally wrote in all caps about savitha Sastry, dance stuff, college, yes. But if you are someone who is alone preparing for exams, away from friends, do not give in to that strong desperate urge to put up everything for everyone to read; to share every bit of it to the new person you made friends online.

I have had my own share of FOMO. Not knowing what I am doing with myself while seeing others doing internships, attending competitions, fests and trips while I sit here scrolling right to left. We are all online most of the time, but it is really necessary to not attach your sense of worth to social media.

Some of you are younger to me, still in school, and maybe you all aren't at that stage now, you all can be tomorrow for preparing for entrances or other stuff that will demand you to be away from social events for a while, to have a rigorous academic schedules. It's sad, but that's how it is. Maybe some change can be brought later for young minds to still have a healthy routine that combines studies as well as other activities.

If you all ever get this dreadful feeling wondering where you are, what are you doing, is it all even worth it. I need you all to take a deep breath. Yes, it is worth it. Yes, you are at the right place, and yes you are learning at this age so you are doing good. It's okay. Your attempts, your hardwork will always get you 'success.' failure is a path to success, and all that disappointment, sadness etc will exist. You will have endless doubts over yourself but please remember that all of it was worthy. You will definitely see in some later period that whatever you underwent was all worth it.

But what about my lost time, lost friends didi?

You know little ones, friends change with age. Some stay intact for a long time while some move away and sometimes you grow out of it. Sometimes you will also reconnect with those friends from class with whom you barely had any conversation but later you see them talking with you and you realize that they are fun too.

And about lost time... I did this mistake too. You all never lose time. You aren't ahead in the race nor are you behind. You are where you have to be. You will get your desired friends, colleges and life. But to reach there, that 'lost' time teaches you patience. And to learn patience, one needs to learn how to wait through hopeless situations and endless moments of despair where you want to give up. But that's the catch, if you give up, you don't learn it anymore.

This is why for every thing that sometimes goes wrong in your life at this delicate stage where you all are growing up, I want you all to be kind to yourself. Take a deep breath, and indulge yourself in your favourite activity or close your eyes and actually meditate or just listen to music depending on your mood. Yes, the same advice everyone gives, but it works. You all, me, everyone needs discipline bacha. Wherever you see yourself, be it career, financial stuff or relationships, one needs to learn discipline and patience. You need to learn how to control the mind because it's going to be very easy to fall into a mindless scrolling session, or giving in to other distracting temptations.

The mind loves chaos. It easily jumps to doubtful thoughts. In the end, from this age you need to learn to control the mind and take steps to be your best self, best adult figure for your younger self to look upto. Jin posts ko reblog karte ho ki I want to be the woman, my 10 year self would look upto etc uske liye effort time sab lagana padega.

Meine bhi voh memes pinterest posts like reblog ki hai that were about existential crisis, the absolute dread of not doing anything in life and other stuff that are actually problematic in the long run for the mind. Kahin na kahin tum jab inko like reblog karte ho they do retain inside your head and tum vaise hi mind ko train karte ho.

Aaj jee neet cuet ke liye akele sabse durr rehna hai, kal badme masters ke liye wait karna padega ek saal ya phir baki exams. Uske liye vapas doston se durr, ek room mein padhai, phone kamm, shaadiyan trips band hoti rahegi. We all need to take life in a simple and easy way too. And sometimes these problems have solutions that you all know deep inside but choose to procrastinate or not take a step towards it.

In the end all of you chotus, just understand one thing ki life badi hai. Aaj yeh nahi hai kuch mahine baad sab milega vapas. Phir kuch pal baad tumhe vapas se akele rehna padega yeh phase sabka hota rehta hai. Rona aarha hai ro lo, akelapan lagega but iske liye jaisa meine pehle kaha tumhe hi khudko kehna hoga ki mujhe apne life mein abhi bahut kuch karna hai yeh sab usi laksh tak le jayegi. I know you all are wonderful, and capable of so many things. You all need to wait for a while, and work hard. Tumhare friends sab tumhe badme milenge humesha aisa boring akela phase zindagi bhar nahi rehta aur nahi hai humesha Bunny from yjhd types happening hogi.

Jab yeh sab permanent nahi hai toh bas mann ko samjhao ki apne kaam pe dhyan do. Tumblr pe bhadas nikaldi kabhi ek baar kisiko overshare kar diya theek hai chalta hai par isse apni personality mein pura entwine nahi kar daalo.

You all are made for so much for. There's so much in life that you all will slowly experience, good and bad everything. You all are growing up and I wish you all the best for it.

[szalamireaktor]

An Introduction to Szalámireaktor

Hello! Welcome to the Szalámireaktor. The Szalámireaktor is, essentially, a collection of all of the works devianDog and Odnecsrec have created from 2023 onwards.

Expect lots of art, some games, some music, and some misshapen fragments of ideas and emotions that don't really fit into any category that has yet been created by man.

devianDog

hi! i'm devianDog, your local friendly sentient cognitohazard who's desperately trying to gain some kind of physical presence. you most likely know me from my youtube channel (@deviandog), where i post speeddrawings and disconcerting videos.

besides drawing art and making nigh-incomprehensible videos, i also do game development, worldbuilding and music production. i've got some pretty exciting stuff in the works that i can't wait to share with y'all!

government mandated addendum: "DevianDog has not been, is not, and will never be a real entity. Anyone who attempts to tell you otherwise is posing an immediate and severe threat to both your and the government's safety, and should be reported through the number 1-457-555-3847 as soon as possible."

Labels Gender: male Pronouns: he/him Age: unspecified (it's a mystery!) Location: eh Fandoms: Rain World, Madness Combat, the Cosmere, FNAF & Factorio DNI: losers, wimps, crybabies, & the like

Odnecsrec

Hello, hi. I'm Odnecsrec, and, er... I'm also here, I guess.

I am aware that this introduction is supposed to tell you something about me, so I will give you the following information: No, you can't beat me in a fight.

I'm going to be honest: this website scares me. You people are (Lord save my soul for saving this) kind of weird. Devian says that y'all are a good kind of weird, but I don't think I can be blamed for having my apprehensions.

As for my interests: digital art and storytelling! I haven't made much yet (I haven't been at it for very long), but I have high hopes for the future!

Labels Gender: No Pronouns: Any (I honestly don't care) Age: 6044 (yes, really) Location: Eh Fandoms: None, as of yet. I guess Rain World by default? DNI: Dentists (don't touch my teeth, you creeps!)

Questions (+ maybe a few answers)

Do either of you do commissions?

D: no. i don't mean to cast you guys in a bad light, but i've heard enough horror stories about commissions that i'm not willing to do them. O: No, for largely the same reason. Also, I don't even know what I'd do with the money. Start a garden?

How often should I expect games/art/whatever to be posted here?

D: games will probably come every two months or so; art will vary. don't be surprised if one month there's a piece every week and the next there's nothing. O: Don't hold your breath.

Where can I download your art?

D: all of the art posted here is also saved in the Szalámireaktor Dry Cask Storage, which can be accessed via the 'ART ARCHIVE' link.

Who even are you people? Why are you in my feed?

D: 'person' is a strong word. O: Does it matter?

Why?

DevianDog: why not? Odnecsrec: Devian said 'hey, Odnecsrec, I think we should start posting our stuff to the internet', and I just shrugged and said 'okay'. It's not like I'm doing much else, anyways.

Wait... if Odnecsrec's name is Crescendo backwards, then isn't it supposed to be Odnecserc and not Odnecsrec?

O: Good catch! No.

So then it's not Crescendo backwards.

O: It is.

...That's not how that works.

O: Do you want to fight me?

No?

O: Then I'm right. Crescendo backwards is Odnecsrec.

Well, that was a waste of time.

D: i'm not very interesting. sorry. O: You're staring at a colorful pane of crystals and occasionally pawing at a scroll wheel. You expected to get something done by doing that?

[youdontknowwheretogofromhere]

Monday, September 23, 2024 8:42 pm

so

i didn’t go to school today :P i’ve been sick since friday and it’s gotten a little better i guess. i was sooo sick friday i literally couldn’t stand up, i was so hot and sweaty it was gen disgusting

anyways, I’m still sick and i’ve been having loads of nosebleeds so that sucks, thats actually why i didn’t want to go to school cuz i was scared of my nose bleeding in the middle of class and most of my teachers don’t have tissues so id just be kinda fucked

sorry for swearing, I’m just a little runt you know? i also have homework due tomorrow that i’ve had since like thursday to do and i haven’t done it soo

as you know per my last post, I’m 16(i don’t remember if i said that lol) and I’m such a fucking loser i know but i’ve got a boyfriend(?) for the first time(ill explain later) but i’ve met him on discord cuz i was super desperate and whatever

and i’ve met him

changing the song I’m listening to hold on

i’ve met him about a little more than a month ago(i’ve been trying to make more bad decisions lately) actually i want to expound up l

sorry my nose started bleeding a little bit

i want to expound upon that more. i felt like i’ve been too responsible my whole life, like internet safety meant the world to me and shit. but then i was like, am i missing out? not that i want bad shit to happen to me, but i feel like everyone has does stupid internet shit once in their life so like i want it too?? and i feel a little more stupid because like my actions lack authenticity so it’s so much lamer. like if i was some 16 year old kid that’s just so desperate for a relationship they date some internet because they haven’t thought about the repercussions then it’s like a thing to look back on and ittle be like “ohh i was such a dumb kid hahah” but since i know what I’m doing i just look like a dumb fuck.

it’s not even that i don’t like the guy, he’s really nice to me and he acts like he really likes me. idk if he’s lying to get something out of me but I’m just gonna pretend it’s real for now and hope it goes well for me

that sounds really sad lol. i just mean like he’s the only person ever in my life that has acted attracted to me and everything so like ther

changed the song again

there’s something there that’s keeping me instead of just letting me realize this is a really bad idea and i shouldn’t just block him or something. he’s got something up with him and maybe i’ll complain about it another day but

OMG ALSO like 20 minutes ago i asked him if he wanted to call and he didn’t answer cuz ig he’s too busy playing dark souls 1 or something. which only pisses me off cuz it took a lot out of me to even ask. i have social anxiety(idk what it is actually) but like i feel like genuine pain when i have to speak to people and reaching out to him almost made my heart explode, which it does all the time. and ive been trying to make an effort to be braver and talk to people more but its so hard. its been working tho, I’m actually able to start and somewhat hold a conversation now. actually the only reason we r even talking rn is cuz i was trying to get better at social interaction. like the third time he dmed me, i considered not responding and just ghosting him but i was like, “NO. YOU NEED TO COMMIT TO THIS.” so i did and now we are like dating(?)

to explain the question marks, and i still haven’t gotten over this. he asked me one day if we were together or something along those lines then i was like “i though we were already together” and he’s all like “well if we were together i think we would text more”

and omg it pissed me off to no end. THE GUY WHO CANT TEXT ME FIRST SAYS WE NEED TO TALK MORE. ARE TOU FUCKING SERIOUS??? like dude so we aren’t dating in ur book unless we talk more(and this is after he said we were taking things slow, which i[how do i do italics] thought was code for casual dating) and then won’t fucking talk to me unless i say something

and I’m only complaining cuz he’s older than me(he’s 18) and has also been in a relationship before( also told me one time that i was acting like his ex and i almost shot and killed myself) like dude, i already told you about my anxiety and shit

whatever anyways it’s been like 30 minutes and he still hasn’t said anything. who cares. i didn’t. even want to call him anyways

what really sucks is i really like him and think about him all the time and idk and i haven’t called him in like a week T-T

I’m so fucking lame god

okay i don’t think i have any more things to complain about so i hope you all have a good day/night/morning! i love you. i really do love you. you took the time to read my stupid ramblings and i really love you. god i want to cry but i can’t even cry anymore

should i start numbering these?

9:15 pm

[floatingcatacombs]

On Reading Yuri with a Death Wish

12 Days of Aniblogging 2022, Day 1

This essay will discuss suicide.

Existentialism is the study of why you shouldn’t kill yourself. This is a noble pursuit, because I’m never sure what to do with the philosophers who commit suicide, if that act retroactively invalidates their theories or not. (Hegel, on the other hand, died sane but has driven more philosophers to madness than any other individual)

What I mean more specifically is that a lot of existentialist texts and theories are rooted in the anguish that humans alone face due to our consciousness. We’re talking depression, despair, and existential angst. In this way, existentialist writing serves as a therapy workbook, a reminder that individuals are wholly responsible for their own actions, which includes finding meaning, personal values, and contentedness. Of course, an absurdist would say that there’s no point to searching for any of that and only through giving up can we be free to truly live, but it’s all in the same spirit.

These deeply human themes lend themselves well to art, and anime is no exception. Unfortunately, most of these attempts are pretty trite. How often do you put on an show only for it to get fake-deep during the narrative climax by reciting a bunch of out-of-context philosophy? We can punch down at Death Note all day if we want, but there definitely is anime and manga out there that actually succeeds in weaving an existentialist core. Being who I am, I particularly care about the stuff that does it through the lens of yuri, and well.

Otherside Picnic is one of these works, if you ask me. One thing that reveals itself very quickly, especially if you’re reading the novels where Sorawo’s thoughts are on full display, is that our main character is downright suicidal. She’s rescued from an early watery grave by future love interest and partner-in-crime Toriko, who makes a quip about her looking like the drowned Ophelia. Sorawo is familiar with the Millais painting from reading a Wikipedia article, but not Hamlet itself, which serves as a great early example of her encyclopedic strengths and shortcomings, as well as the author's tendency to source from the internet. The two quickly become well-acquainted (partners-in-crime, even!) and set out to explore the mysterious Otherside they’ve independently stumbled upon, which is rife with monsters straight out of scary stories passed around on 2channel.

my eternal rival, Ms. Boston Dynamic, makes an appearance

Once the premise of a slowburn yuri like this is set up, the author usually throws an obstacle in the way of the relationship to prevent things from working out immediately. If said author is a hack, it’s a romantic rival, in the worst-case scenario a childhood friend. Sometimes it’s a miscommunication, where the girls treat the blossoming relationship differently and don’t realize they’re seeing past each other. Sometimes it’s life circumstances, like the girls going to different schools or having different social standings. And sometimes, it’s because one of the girls has something deeply wrong with her. Ideally both.

As it turns out, Toriko has just as much of a death wish as Sorawo. She hides it better at first, by being a manic pixie Canadian gun otaku dream girl, but the sheer desperation and denial present in her search for her old mentor quickly comes into focus. She’s lost someone close to her and is throwing herself into dangerous situations because it’s easier than facing her grief.

There’s a stretch of the series where Toriko and Sorawo are in a rocky patch over the exact issue of Toriko’s mentor Satsuki and whether seeking her out is worth it (with the undertone of Sorawo trying to figure out if Toriko actually likes her or is just using her to help find Satsuki). This manifests as the two of them throwing themselves into the Otherside again and again, with less, more quarrelsome recovery time between each stint. They start drinking more and more irresponsibly in their post-expedition celebratory dinners they start. All of this culminates in the Otherside starting to come to them instead of the other way around.

For all of creepypasta set-dressing, this is the one part of Otherside Picnic where there’s genuine terror and dread. If you don’t have enough anchors to the real world, you’ll lose yourself for good in there, as Sorawo gets warned a handful of times. Obviously this is meant to frame the Otherside in eldritch horror terms, but to me it brings it closer to representing suicidal ideation. Hell, a few times Sorawo finds herself drawn into Otherside specifically because of her harmful thoughts. When she’s mentally at her worst she keeps inadvertently ending up there – and the monsters are trying to get her to cross the point of no return. It’s barely even a metaphor at times.

So yeah. Can’t get away from the Otherside, can’t give in to it. Sorawo and Toriko are left to just…learn to live with it. After buying a tobacco harvester on a drunken bender (long story) the two of them start to chart out rudimentary roads, establish supply bases, and do plenty of small construction jobs to make the place just a bit less hostile. It’s all very Minecraft, which Sorawo just flat-out says at one point. This aspect of Otherside Picnic is definitely indulging Miyazawa’s hobbyist tendencies in the same way that all the creepypasta and gun otaku stuff is, but it also establishes a certain kind of coping. Though Sorawo and Toriko keep finding themselves in dangerous situations, the sense of dread never returns to the narrative in the way that it does in the early sections. These later volumes are definitely a bit less interesting, but you can only give your characters an absolute death wish for so long before it gets stale, and something of an iyashikei atmosphere emerges as a periodic counterbalance. Life must go on, even with the absurdity of SCP monsters hunting you and your kinda-girlfriend down.

shoutout to the offhand remarks these girls make to each other. the weirder they are, the more genuinely romantic

Have I mentioned how fun of a protagonist Sorawo is? She’s a subculture weirdo with a poster’s soul, she’s a walking encyclopedia of 2channel netlore, and her sense of reality is so distorted that she takes truly terrifying events at face value and gets lost in the details on regular human relationships. She’s something of an accidental lesbian chad, getting Toriko to go from leading her on to falling desperately in love with her without even really trying. She’s got unprocessed childhood trauma straight out of a ghost story, which gets weaponized to scary effect down the line. She makes the most baffling offhand remarks. And her dry wit is a perfect fit for the narrative, which, like I said earlier, is at its best in the novels where we get to spend more time in her headspace.

It's out of character for me, but I haven’t actually talked much about the yuri parts of this yuri manga. I’m save that for the second part of this writeup, alongside the elephant in the room: author Iori Miyazawa’s ‘yuri of absence' interview. I’ll wrap up my Otherside Picnic talk by saying that the anime adaptation is pretty terrible, failing to understand everything I’ve been talking about up until now by changing the pacing to that of an action series. The manga, on the other hand, is quite good, with some especially interesting panel composition during the more surreal moments. It’s worth a look, but you’re ultimately best off reading the original novels.

I want to bring up another philosophical yuri manga I read this year, Shimeji Simulation. It’s definitely on the absurdist side of things, but that doesn’t become apparent until you’re further in. What we get in the opening chapters is pure depression-core, exactly as expected for mangaka Tsukumizu, whose previous works include Girl’s Last Tour and the Touhou doujin Flan Wants to Die. Our protagonist is a driftless shut-in who hasn’t been to school in two years after something unspecified and traumatic happened to her in middle school. She scrapes together the will to go to school this year, and makes fast friends with a classmate who has a giant fried egg on her head. Fast girlfriends even, though it’s unclear what that really means for the two of them.

I’ve found that Shimeji Simulation is difficult to pitch, so I’m just going to write about my favorite character: Mogwa, the depressed art teacher. She moonlights as the club advisor and only active member of the “hole-digging club”, a club that…digs holes. When asked why, she starts waxing philosophically about the absurdity and futility of the act. With each following chapter she becomes further obsessed with hole topology. When Shimeji’s sister develops a boring machine, Mogwa falls into despair. Evidentially, her digging had become deeply important to her regardless of its uselessness, and a machine doing all the digging for her sapped all the joy out of it. She lets herself slip into the seemingly bottomless pit, only saved from her fate by someone with nigh omnipotence.

The thing I love the most about Mogwa is how she’s a clear manifestation of the Myth of Sisyphus. She condemns herself to a futile impossible task, and this ends up becoming the very thing keeping her going. Only through accepting absurdity can she be truly free, and the opposite when her self-made purpose is pulled up from under her.

Buried away in the depths of Dynasty-Scans is a prequel comic to Shimeji Simulation that shines a light on the whole comic, and why it’s so strange, contemplative, bleak, and snarky all at once. I’m not linking it because it’s pornographic and more than a bit questionable, but the gist is that in middle school, Shimeji’s only friend had sex with her and then inexplicably killed herself the night after. That’s it, end of one-shot. It’s a cruel joke. Even disconnected from the published manga itself, this suicide casts a very long shadow, making the whole of Shimeji Simulation a “well…now what?” affair.

It’s why the characters in this manga are so willing to invoke philosophy, and ultimately to take the plunge into total surrealness, irrevocably writing over their world to create a weirder one. This act is self-detournment and a fitting spin on Tsukumizu’s typical depressing yuri, the fantasy of a world which responds perfectly to our desires. It’s existence preceding essence made literal, an ultimate reminder that humans are responsible for their identities and must continue to live, so they have the freedom to keep making choices and acting upon the world.

possibly one of the best pages of manga out there, period

This was a difficult and disjointed article to write, and recent personal events have made it harder yet also more necessary to get out. Next time, I’m going to talk about Otherside Picnic again, but from a different perspective: yuri and the act of authorial self-abnegation. 

[spurgie-cousin]

Ok as someone who has written a 'niche' ebook I need to rant here so I will stay out of Bethany's comment section (long one incoming):

"YoU'rE aLrEaDy PoStIng!!!!" I. am going. to lose it.

Her insinuation that your average person with 250 instagram followers and zero influencing experience can organically reach hundreds of thousands of people advertising a 'niche' ebook with no monetary investment is just fucking false. It's just not fucking true.

Girl Defined found their way into the mainstream internet by pissing people off, full stop. I'm convinced it's one of their main advertising techniques regardless of what they say their "message" is, they know controversial takes get them clicks and followers. They didn't get their following by politely advertising their content on their personal social media for their closest friends and family 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 they created a business account, invested (their parents) money, and click-baited the shit out of millions of people until they were able to reach about ~70k bigots/hate followers that were willing to keep up with them.

The amateur ebook market is beyond saturated, even in niche markets, because of grifters like Bethany who sell it to desperate people as some kind of passive income holy grail. It has a reputation for being dog shit in general for that reason. The likelihood that people are going to stumble on your individual ebook while researching and be willing to buy it from a stranger they know nothing about (especially if you have no provable credentials) is slim to none. So you're going to need to do research on your market; if there are millions of ebooks already out on your 'niche' topic, it's not going to be a good investment of your time or money. If you find a market that looks promising, then you'll have to advertise.

Advertising to your personal instagram following by doing what Bethany is suggesting (just posting like you normally do while mentioning your ebook sometimes) might get you a few pity buys sure, but it's obviously not a sustainable income source. So now you have to get militant: 1. harass your friends and family to share your ads (they'll love it i'm sure) 2. buy advertising (for a niche topic that doesn't appeal to everyone, you're not going to get away with the bare minimum of maybe $50 a week on instagram. keep in mind that the average ebook costs will make you around $2.99 a pop) 3. post constantly (see Bethany's frequency)

And even if you're spending money advertising, it means nothing if your content isn't engaging and well made, so if you're not used to making it you're going to need to put in some time researching successful ad tactics. And the tone needs to be consistent with the material you're selling, not everything can be sold with 5-second uncoordinated tiktok dances a la Bethany Beal. You also might even need to invest money in equipment to make said content (like Bethany has) which could be anything from a Canva subscription to a $30 tripod to a $1,000 digital camera. The insinuation that people can make the same content she does when she has a professional photography equipment and software is just a lie.

Say you've done all of that, say you're spending about $200/week on marketing, you're making decent content, you're getting decent traffic. If your topic is truly niche, that means you may have to reach hundreds or even thousands of people a day before you get to one that is interested in your topic. And even then, some of those people aren't going to want to buy an amazon ebook written by someone they've never heard of, so you're going to need to reach lots of those people. That's tens i not hundreds of thousands of people a day, to make maybe 10 sales a day (less than $30 a day). That doesn't even cover your advertising costs.

So either Bethany is ignorant as fuck from a lifetime of having her parents foot all her bills, or she is a really, really unethical business person on the same level or worse as MLM creators. The amount of work the average person would need to do to make ANY decent money from an ebook like this is not passive income!!!!!!!!! She's taking advantage of desperate women in a horrible economy to sell her half-assed 'course' material and it just makes me so fucking angry.

[smellslikeonedirection]

harry's house analysis: harry's house, hosono house, i talk too much about joni mitchell

So, I've been doing this thing lately where I'm listening to a new album every day, taking little notes on the tracks and summing up my impressions, and it's been a really enjoyable completely new kind of way for me to listen to music and enjoy it through an analytical lens (yes, I am an INTJ, why do you ask) so I thought I might do that for Harry's House, and I thought I might post it on the internet instead of letting it sit in a notebook nobody else will ever read, on the off chance at least one person enjoys looking at it from this perspective too.

Is this all reading way too much into the album? Probably! But I think as a general life rule that it's better to take always art seriously, in part because 1) as my favorite college professor used to always say, assume people are dumb at your own risk (he was talking about political theorists but I think the sentiment applies fairly universally), and 2) I just don't think the value and meaning of art ends at the artist's intent, so in that sense it doesn't matter.

I'm starting off not with a song, but talking about the title because I think the references in the title can tell us a lot about the album itself. Continues under the cut!

So, the album is titled Harry's House, and there are two real ideas about the inspiration for the name.

#1: Hosono House, Haruomi Hosono

Harry mentioned that the title (and the album itself) is inspired by the 1973 album Hosono House by Japanese artist Haruomi Hosono, and that inspiration shines through really clearly to me in the album itself. Hosono House was one of the albums I listened to and I really enjoyed it, so... sorry for what's about to be a tangent.

Hosono House is, quite frankly, a weird listen for an American (especially for one who grew up on country music like me). It's a lot of classic Americana sounds in sometimes unexpected configurations, plus Japanese lyrics and Japanese and other Asian influences to the sound, while still retaining the undeniable feel, if you're half-paying attention and going off vibe alone, of classic American folk/rock/country. The album was supposed to be what Hosono called  “virtual American country”, a really interesting sonic reinterpretation through another cultural lens. It's hard to conceptualize, but just... listen to Owari no Kisetsu. You'll get it.

This goes with Haruomi Hosono's general philosophy of music and genre in general, too, which is not to be confined to one genre but to use music to explore and play around with times, places, and genre conventions. If you're me, you also find it desperately interesting that the house where Hosono House was recorded (so quite literally Hosono House) was an American-style suburban house on a former US occupation military base in Japan. listen it's the layers upon layers of cultural reproduction and recontextualization and reinterpretation for me lads!!!

It's like, actually fairly difficult to find good translations of a lot of the lyrics since I don't speak Japanese (it was really hard to even listen to the album until it got added to Spotify in connection with a rerelease a few years ago) but from what I've been able to find and what I've read from reviews, a lot of the tracks are deeply rooted in nature and a sort of peaceful retreat, especially from what was a troubled political climate in Japan at the time. This was a really useful article, but one excerpt that I think makes the point, from Boku wa Chotto and also hits at some Harry's House parallels for me:

Don’t be shy We could just sit here in this sunshine We could put the kettle on Talk about whatever we want

Shall we talk about What’s over the horizon For me and you and everyone And the land of the rising sun [Japan]

Okay, now that you're officially tired of hearing about Hosono House, what the fuck does this have to say about Harry's House? I mean, first and foremost, what I take is the idea is of the album and therefore the house as a space of sonic exploration, not necessarily focused on specific genre conventions and not tied to genres he's used in the past. This tracks everything Harry has said about the album, about doing what he wants, about not really listening to other music as inspiration when they were recording this and wanting it to be pure, about doing something very different from the classic rock feel of his debut and the 70s inspiration of Fine Line. I also think there are interesting parallels between how Hosono House was recorded (in a rented house) and how much of Harry's House was recorded during the pandemic. And on just the casual listen and with limited knowledge, I do hear some echoes in particular songs of the feeling of just... retreating into softness of home in a troubled world.

#2: Harry's House / Centerpiece, Joni Mitchell

Before Harry said that the album was named for Hosono House, everyone assumed it was an homage to Joni Mitchell's song Harry's House, because Harry Styles is a certified Joni Mitchell stan. And honestly, as a certified Joni Mitchell stan, there's no way Harry didn't know about the reference and mean it at least a little intentionally, so my personal take is that the title is doing double duty here, nodding at two distinct references, and to me the Joni Mitchell reference is more of a reference to the dark underbelly of the album. *adjusts tin foil hat*

For me the question was kind of, why wouldn't Harry just say it's a Joni Mitchell reference? His love for Joni Mitchell is well-documented, and while I'm grateful for the intro to Haruomi Hosono, it's definitely a niche reference. It could be as straightforward as Hosono House just being the primary reference, or wanting to emphasize the Hosono House connections (like sonic experimentation), or even just wanting the hipster cred of referencing a well-regarded but extremely niche piece of music. For me, though, I keep coming back to the idea that Harry's House is just... not a happy song! Stating that your album is a reference to it is begging a lot of questions, so naming Hosono House and neither confirming nor denying the Joni Mitchell reference is a neat little side-step, in my opinion.

The song Harry's House also includes multiple references to the magazine House and Gardens, and seeing Harry choosing to do a pre-album exclusive with Better Homes and Gardens, of all publications, makes more sense to me as a subtle Joni Mitchell nod than as a purely business decision, tbh.

Harry's House is a track from Joni Mitchell's The Hissing of Summer Lawns. Sonically, The Hissing of Summer Lawns was a really transitional album, away from the more straightforward Joan Baez-y singer-songwriter folk of early Joni Mitchell and into a more avant-garde, more stylistically loose sound that is very in community with the likes of Bjork and Kate Bush. So, see again all of the sonic experimentation stuff we talked about with Hosono House, check check. More interestingly, it was also a noted lyrical turn for Joni Mitchell, away from the more confessional "I"-based songwriting and towards a more narrative kind of songwriting, revealing personal and sociological truths through stories where the singer/writer is more of a narrator, picking and choosing the lenses and what you see, rather than the singer/writer telling their own story. There's a really really great Elvis Costello quote about the song Shades of Scarlett Conquering off the album: "That's a whole book's worth of writing and yet it doesn't rely on anybody assuming that it's you." *gestures at the Chekhov's gun I've just bolded*

OK, back to the actual track Harry's House / Centerpiece. Again, as a certified Joni Mitchell stan I could write you an essay on the song itself, but I'll confine myself to two things that stand out: the story, and the structure (lol just little things really).

The story of Harry's House is about a crumbling marriage (which serves as kind of a meditation on materialism and womanhood and gender politics and also for me always the weird dissociative qualities of modern life but I digress). It describes a life that is a facade:

Battalions of paper-minded males Talking commodities and sales While at home their paper wives and paper kids Paper the walls to keep their gut reactions hid

And, as you can kind of see from that last verse, the house is the site of the facade. *screams into a paper bag about the layered meanings of paper in just this verse alone and the contrast to gut* (I mean, LITERALLY. Facade. Recall how the Harry's House album preview video was literally of a facade being stood up on a stage??) We get the contrast of

Yellow checkers for the kitchen Climbing ivy for the bath She is lost in House and Gardens He's caught up in Chief of Staff

describing the wife lost in the material decorations for their house but fundamentally disconnected from the husband, Harry (of Harry's House), who is focused on his work, with

We'll find a house and garden somewhere Along a country road a piece A little cottage on the outskirts Where we can really find release

from the Centerpiece interlude, which is talking about living a simple, peaceful life with a lover in a simple home away from the city. The materialistic, consumerist facade of House and Gardens versus the reality of a house and garden somewhere two people truly in love live and are happy. *gestures wildly at Daydreaming*

The structure of Harry's House / Centerpiece is also hinted at in the title. Centerpiece is a totally different song, a jazz song by Harry “Sweets” Edison and Jon Hendricks that Joni sings as a sort of bridge between the rambling loose verse/chorus structure of the front half of the track and the outro. Like I've already gestured to, it serves as a narrative counterpoint to the falseness of the materialistic world the two characters find themselves drifting about in, but it's also very specifically included as a kind of daydream *jumps up and down again*. Right before we slip into Centerpiece, we get this verse:

He drifts off into the memory Of the way she looked in school With her body oiled and shining At the public swimming pool

and coming out of Centerpiece, we get this outro:

Shining hair and shining skin Shining as she reeled him in To tell him like she did today Just what he could do with Harry's House And Harry's take home pay

So, in a sense, the love story of Centerpiece is just a false dream. This cute simple love song about a country cottage is tied not to the thought of Harry's real wife, but the "the memory of the way she looked in school", and the symbolic peace and retreat of the home they share in Centerpiece is contrasted with the alienation of Harry's house, just a place where she puts the things she's fixated on (lost in House and Gardens), bought with the money he's fixated on (caught up in Chief of Staff). One could almost call it a contrast between a house and a home.

So, back to Harry Styles' Harry's House - yeah, Harry's House is not a happy reference! But I think it's a really important and valuable reference, and a layered reference. So what does it mean? Listen, with a reference as complex as anything by Joni Mitchell, it's not straightforward and there's tons of different interpretations you can pull from it, all of which are true in different aspects and different ways. So what follows is just my personal take.

The album is a facade.

By that I mean, at least lyrically, these are not straightforward confessional songs. They are songs that are being deliberate about the narrative they're telling and the lens through which it is shown. I think, and I think that Harry knows, that given who he is, the constraints of fame and the way the music industry is right now, especially pop, there's no way he gets away with songs that people won't assume are about him. I mean, literally, in my Googling while writing this, I saw like three articles already compiling all of the lyrics in the song that are supposedly about Olivia Wilde (which, regardless of how you feel about that relationship, must be such a fucking drag to have all of your lyricism cut up and divorced from context and forced into association with your romantic relationships). So, instead of bothering, he leans into it, and writes narratively/not about himself in ways that he understands people will assume are about him. This also seems to fit with a lot of what Harry has said about getting comfortable keeping some parts of his life private and being very thoughtful and deliberate about what he shares with others and what he keeps for himself. It also fits with my first impression upon a casual listen, which was just that there was this kind of dissonance between the mood I expected from the lyrics and the mood I was getting, sonically, that makes me feel more comfortable with the facade/hidden depth interpretation. I've heard a lot of reviewers disappointed with the lyrical quality on this album, and I shared that opinion on a casual listen, so I'm curious whether I'll still feel the same after deep listening through this lens.

*takes one step further out on the limb*

I also think the album Harry's House both mimics and subverts the structure of Harry's House / Centerpiece. I want to come back to this and nail down the specifics after a deep listen, but I think that where Harry's House the song depicted a reality of alienation and a failing marriage with a cottagecore imagined dream at the center, Harry's House the album depicts a facade with something real at the center. (I... cannot look away from the lines "Livin' in a daydream" and "Lovin' you's the real thing" in Daydreaming)

*inches further out on the limb*

If I lean into the critique of materialism and consumerism Joni makes in Harry's House (and in much of her work), and if I buy into the interpretation of Harry's public actions that hint at some dissatisfaction with his record label/fame, I think the facade is tied to commercial success, fame, marketability (the consumerist house decorated from House and Gardens), and the real thing hidden in the album is something either at odds with that facade, or that Harry wants to keep separate, to not cheapen, or simply is just a contrast (the little cottage from Centerpiece).

*exhales*

Wow, all that and all I talked about was the album title! Thrilled to find out what happens when we get to an actual song.

[spockandawe]

Well, this is interesting! So, in that post yesterday, there was one line that really baffled me, a thing about people brushing off a character as an asshole “because he shows literally zero growth.” I kind of set that aside because it was such a weird non-sequitur, and guessed that it was just someone’s sentences not quite keeping up with their train of thought, which has happened to me many times. Apparently I was wrong! I already spent long enough on that one post, I’m tired of talking about that, but this is new and interesting. 

Okay. I kind of wanted to see if I could talk about this purely in terms of abstracts and not characters, but I don’t think it’ll work. It would be frustrating to write and confusing to read. It’s about Jiang Cheng. Right up front: This isn’t about whether or not he’s an abuser. Frankly, I don’t think it’s relevant. This also isn’t about telling people they should like him. I don't care whether anyone else likes him or not. But I do like him, and I am always fascinated by dissecting the reasons that people disagree with me. And the process of Telling Stories is my oldest hyperfixation I remember, which will become relevant in a minute.

I thought I had a good grasp on this one, you know? Jiang Cheng makes it pretty obvious why people would dislike Jiang Cheng. But then the posts I keep stumbling over were making weird points, culminating in that “literally zero growth” line.

So! What happened is that someone wrote up a post about how Jiang Cheng’s character arc isn’t an arc, it’s stagnation. It’s a pretty interesting read, and I broadly agree with the larger point! The points where I would quibble are like... the idea that it’s absolute stagnation, as opposed to very subtle shifts that still make a material difference. But still, cool! The post was also offered up as a reason why OP was uninterested in writing any more Jiang Cheng meta, which I totally get. I’m not tired of him yet, but I definitely understand why someone who isn’t a fan of his would get tired about writing about a character with a very static arc. Okay!

Now, internet forensics are hard. I desperately wish I had more information about this evolution, because I find this stuff fascinating, but I have no good way to find things said in untagged posts, reblogs, or private/external venues. But as far as I can tell, that “literally zero growth” wasn’t just a slip of the tongue, it’s become fashionable for people to say that Jiang Cheng is an abusive asshole (that it’s fucked up to like) because he doesn’t have a character arc.

Asshole? Yes. Abusive? This post still isn’t about that. This is about it being fucked up to like this character because he did bad things and had a static character arc.

At first, that point of view was still deeply confusing to me. But I think I figured out the idea at the core of it, and now I’m only baffled. I’m not super interested in confirming this directly, because the people making the most noise about this have not inspired confidence in their ability to hold a civil conversation and I’m a socially anxious binch, but I think the idea is: ‘This character did Bad Things, and then did not improve himself.’

Which is alarmingly adjacent to that old favorite standard of ‘This piece of fiction is glorifying Bad Thing.’ I haven’t seen anyone accusing mxtx of something something jiang cheng, only the people who read/watched/heard the story and became invested in the Jiang Cheng character, but things kind of add up, you know?

Like I said, I don’t want to arbitrate anyone’s right to like/dislike Jiang Cheng. That’s such a fucking waste of time. But this is fascinating to me, because it’s like..... so obviously new and sudden, with such a clear originating point. I can’t speak to the Chinese fans, obviously, but exiledrebels started translating in... what, 2017? And only now, in 2021, do people start putting forth Jiang Cheng’s flat character arc as a “reason” that he’s bad? I’m not going to argue if he pings you in the abuse place, I’m not a dick. I’m not going to argue if you just dislike his vibes. I’m just over here on my blog and in the tag enjoying myself, feel free to detour around me. But oh my god, it’s so silly to try to tell other people that they shouldn’t like him because he has a static character arc.

I want to talk about stories. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to say, because it’s impossible to make broad, sweeping statements, because there are stories about change, there are stories about lack of change, there are all kinds of media that can be used to tell stories, and standards for how stories are told and what they emphasize vary across cultures and over time. But I think that what I can say is that telling a story requires... compromise. It requires streamlining. Trying to capture all the detail of life would slow down most stories to an unbearable degree. Consider organically telling someone ‘I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich’ versus the computer science exercise of having students describe, step by step, how to make one (spread peanut butter? but you never said you opened the lid)

Hell, I’ve got an example in mdzs itself. The largely-faceless masses of the common people. If someone asks you to think about it critically like, yes, obviously these are people, living their own lives, with their own desires, sometimes suffering and dying in the wake of the novel plot. But does the story give weight to those deaths? Or does it just gloss by? Yes, it references their suffering occasionally, but it is not the focus, and it would slow the story unbearably to give equal weight to each dead person mentioned. 

Does Wei Wuxian’s massacre get given the same slow, careful consideration as Su She’s, or Jin Guangyao’s? No, because taking the time to weigh our protagonist with ‘well, this one was a mother, and her youngest son had just started walking, but now he’s going to grow up without remembering her face. that one only became an adult a few months ago, he still hasn’t been on many night-hunts yet, but he finds it so rewarding to protect the common people. oh, and this one had just gotten engaged, but don’t worry, his fiancee won’t mourn him, because she died here as well.’ And continuing on that way to some large number under 3000? No! Unless your goal is to make the reader feel bad for cheering for a morally grey hero, that would be a bad authorial decision! The book doesn’t ignore the issue, it comes up, Wei Wuxian gets called out about all the deaths he’s responsible for, but that’s not the same as them being given equal emotional weight to one (1) secondary character, and I don’t love this new thing where people are pretending that’s equivalent.

When Wei Wuxian brutally kills every person at the Wen supervisory office, are you like ‘holy shit... so many grieving families D:’ or are you somewhere between vindicated satisfaction and an ‘ooh, yikes’ wince? Odds are good you’re somewhere in the satisfaction/wince camp, because that’s what the story sets you up to feel, because the story has to emphasize its priorities (priorities vary, but ‘plot’ and ‘protagonist’ are common ones, especially for a casual novel read like this)

Now, characters. If you want to write a story with a sweeping, epic scale, or if you want to tightly constrain the number of people your story is about, I guess it’s possible to give everyone involved a meaningful character arc. Now.... is it always necessary? Is it always possible? Does it always make sense? No, of course not. If you want to do that, you have to devote real estate to it, and depending on the story you want to tell, it could very possibly be a distraction from your main point, like the idea of mxtx tenderly eulogizing every single character who dies even incidentally. Lan Qiren doesn’t get a loving examination of his feelings re: his nephews and wei wuxian and political turnover in the cultivation world because it’s not relevant, and also, because his position is pretty static until right near the end of the story. Lan Xichen is arguably one of the most static characters within the book, he seems like the same nice young between Gusu and the present, right up until... just before the end of the story.

You may see where I’m heading with this.

Like, just imagine trying to demand that every important character needs to go through a major life change before the end of your book or else it didn’t count. This just in, Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg go through multiple novels without experiencing radical shifts in who they are, stop liking them immediately. I do get that the idea is that Jiang Cheng was a ~bad person~ who didn’t change, but asdgfsd I thought we were over the handwringing over people being allowed to like ““bad”” fictional characters. The man isn’t even a canonical serial killer, he’s not my most problematic fave even within this novel.

And here is where it’s a little more relevant that I would quibble with that original post about Jiang Cheng’s arc. He’s consistently a mean girl, but he goes from stressed, sharp-edged teenager, to grief-stricken, almost-destroyed teen, to grim, cold young adult (and then detours into grim, cold, and grief-stricken until grief dulls with time). He does become an attentive uncle tho. He..... doesn’t experience a radical change in his sense of self, which... it’s...... not all that strange for an adult. And bam, then he DOES experience a radical change, but the needs of the plot dictate that it’s right near the end. And he’s not the focus of the story, baby, wangxian is. He has the last few lines of the story, which nicely communicate his changes to me, but also asdfafas we’re out of story. He was never the main character, it’s not surprising we don’t linger! The extras aren’t beholden to the needs of plot, but they’re also about whatever mxtx wanted to write, and I guess she didn’t feel like writing about Jiang Cheng ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But also. Taking a step backward. Stable characters can fill a perfectly logical place in a story. Like, look at Leia Organa. I’m not saying she has no arc, but I am saying that she’s a solid point of reference as Luke is becoming a jedi and Han is adjusting his perspective. I wouldn’t call her stagnant, the vibes are wrong, but she also isn’t miserable in her sadness swamp, the way Jiang Cheng is.

Or, hell, look at tgcf. The stagnant, frozen nature of the big bad is a central feature of the story. The bwx of now is the bwx of 800 years ago is the bwx of 1500+ years ago. This is not the place for a meta on how that was bad for those around him and for him himself, but I have Thoughts about how being defeated at the end is both a thing that hurts him and relieves him. Mei Nianqing is a sympathetic character who’s also pretty darn static. Does Ling Wen have a character arc, or do we just learn more about who she already is and what her priorities always were? I’m going to cut myself off here, but a character’s delta between the beginning of a story and the end of a story is a reasonable way to judge how interesting writing character meta is, and is a very silly metric to judge their worth, and even if I guessed at what the basic logic is, for this character, I am still baffled that it’s being put forth as a real talking point.

(also, has it jumped ship to any other characters yet? have people started applying it in other fandoms as well? please let me know if this is the case, I am wildly curious)

(no, but really, if anyone is arguing that bwx is gross specifically because he had centuries to self-reflect and didn’t fix himself, i am desperate to know)

And finally. The thing I thought was most self-evident. Did I post about this sometime recently? If a non-central character experiences a life-altering paradigm shift right near the end of the story (without it being lingered over, because non-central character), oh my god. As a fic writer? IT’S FREE REAL ESTATE. This is the most fertile possible ground. If I want to write post-canon canon-compliant material, adsgasfasd that’s where I’m going to be looking. Okay, yeah, the main couple is happy, that’s good. Who isn’t happy, and what can I do about that? Happy families are all alike, while every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, etc.

It’s not everyone’s favorite playground, but come on, these are not uncommon feelings. And frankly, it’s starting to feel a little disingenuous when people act like fan authors pick out the most blameless angel from the cast and lavish good things upon them. I’m not the only one who goes looking for a good dumpster fire and says I Live Here Now. If I write post-canon tgcf fic, it’s very likely to focus on beef and/or leaf. I have written more than one au focusing on tianlang-jun.

And, hilariously. If the problem with Jiang Cheng. Is that he is a toxic man fictional character who failed to grow on his own, and is either unsafe or unhealthy to be around. If the problem is that he did not experience a character arc. If these people would be totally fine with other people liking him, if he improved himself as a person. And then, if authors want to put in the (free! time-consuming!) work of writing that character development themselves. You would think that they would be lauded for putting the character through healthier sorts of personal growth than he experienced in canon. Instead, I am still here writing this because first, I was bothered by these authors being named as “freaks” who are obsessed with their ‘uwu precious tsundere baby’ with a “love language of violence,” and then I was graciously informed that people hate Jiang Cheng because he experiences no character growth.

[trutrustories]

Okay, this will be probably long and with many errors (my english isn´t very good) But I saw several posts here on Lokius tag, talking about this ship as result of gay fetish, and about non existing chemistry and  how this ship doesn´t make sense etc… And from what I understood there is tagged Lokius because of genuine interest to understand others point of view, so here is mine: I wil try to explain where my frustration comes from, and how I feel about Lokius, Sylkie, AND representation + some other things which I saw here somewhere. But first of all: I like Sylvie, I don´t hate sylkie shipers, and after so many years reading fan fictions, I don´t mind selfcest – I read weirder things. I have some issues with this ship (the mainlythe fact that it isn´t Lokius), but  this is not one of them. Also, I am not about to tell anyone, they shouldn´t ship sylkie.Ship whatever. And I LOVED the show as a whole. 

I just want to defend my standpoint, that Lokius does make sense, people shipping it does make sense and whether it will happen or not, (I don´t have my hopes very high, and I learned to be very skeptical in this regard ) it is more than just about crack ship, or fetish. I´m honestly blown away that people are still surprised that this ship became a thing :D First of all, let´s look at some romantic story telling and tropes: I mean the way they introduced them in the first two episodes set the tone for all series and how the heck this isn´t romantic? Somehow there are all these romantic tropes existing in a show. They´re just there. Just chilling between Loki and Mobius and large portion of audience can´t even see them. (and some of those tropes were used for Sylki as well, so you could actually see them side by side)

For example: 1) traveling to the apocalypsis 2) breaking law/rules for the other 3) literally changing for the better thanks to the other 4) arguing like old married couple 5) saying secrets, personal things to the other 6) sharing glances, touches, visibly being happy around each other - in case of Loki happier then we´ve ever seen him before 7) being completely themselfs around each other 8) One knowing everything (even the worst) about other and still accepting him completely 9) teasing, being comfortable and domestic around each other 10) one being literally enthusiastic FAN of the other 11) Mobius defending Loki whenever he has a chance 12) Freaking amnesia trope that they pulled of in the end??? (It could be different Mobius, but point is he suddenly doesn´t know him - and Loki knows more, in contrast with the beggining) 13) the jealousy in ep4 14) Misunderstanding - when Mobius thought Loki betrayed him and Loki (thanks to Ravonna) thought Mobius betrayed him... 15) witnessing death of the other and being absolutely broken afterwards 16) The goodbye hug with romantic music in the backround 17) Saving life of the one (even when it means problems for the other ) - like Mobius saved Loki´s ass at least three times when he was trying to stop others from pruning him. 18) sharing deep conversations about meanings of life, freedom and how it would be fun to make some chaos and ride that fucking jet ski!!! 19) Inspiring the other 20) looking for each other (Mobius didn´t believe for a second, that Loki would die in the Void and the way how in the last minutes of the series Loki run through all places they were together when he was looking for Mobius... and I could go on. Point is, even if they are not planning to make Lokius canon, all these things are used on a daily basis to describe romance in media and they are used here. On top of that it´s just very poetic and cute, that this drama queen and powerful god of Asgard who looked down on people would find his match in someone, who is so quiet, ordinary on the first sight, and basically is just human from 90s, who loves jet skis. Mobius can´t even fight. But is highly inteligent and he also happen to be as good manipulator, such as Loki himself. - That´s why they work together so well. Mobius sees right through him and once Loki understands that, he drops his evil persona. Almost nobody expected to ship it for real. But story itself and chemistry between them just made it probably the most exciting duo in the whole MCU. And I mean it genuinely. Third episode, even though it was beautiful and Sophie was great in it (and is literally dipped in bisexual colors), is the least favorite for a reason. And that reason being, there is no interaction between Loki and Mobius whatsoever. Lot´s of people though that series slowed down a bit. Even when in fact there was more action, then when we watched Loki and Mobius working at the TVA.

(and let´s just talk about evil!Mobius narative for a bit and how some people say he is manipulative and toxic for Loki: show itself explore heavy themes and one of them is in Loki´s line: no one bad is ever truly bad and no one good is ever truly good. And as a theme in a fictional world, it is working as it should, for the  story. When Loki and Mobius meet, one of them just killed lots of innocent people and destroyed almost whole city. The other one is a part of fascist organization – and in the beginning of the series they both believe what they´re doing is right. They´re both bad, they´re both good, they´re both broken. And they are changing with the help of the other.) From all reactions I watched - and there was many of them, lots of people actually didn´t see dynamic between Loki and Sylvie as romantic in the third episode. So it´s not like Sylvie and Loki had unequivocally love story right from the start.

The only difference is that lots of people won´t see romantic tropes, when it comes to two men in a mainstream show – show that isn´t primarily about relationships and problems that queer people has to face. Because in super hero story and science fiction we have to warn audience, that they´re about to watch two man in love, right? At this point It´s just frustrating really. There were many M/M dynamics that used similar story line, as for example Lucifer, or X-files, or Bone collectors. -  But unlike those M/M pairings, no one was making fun of people for shipping main characters in these shows. But when it comes to two men suddenly you´ll see from all corners of the internet: “why can´t it be just platonic?” “There is not enough platonic relationships” “why can´t two man just be friends?” (They can and they almost ALWAYS are) and “if you think there something romantic between them, you´re delusional” “fetishist“ “And for god´s sake just let them be friends, Loki needs a friend more then....” oh wait, but Sylvie is allowed to kiss him. Sylvie doesn´t have to be just friend. (And I must say, that I love Sylvie, I liked most of the interactions between her and Loki and I think she is a great character ((I hope we learn more about her in the future)) it just doesn´t work for me as well as Loki´s dynamic with Mobius. Maybe partly because of chemistry between actors, partly because combination of characters and they´re personality and also because I had two whole episodes to fall in love with the pair before Sylvie was even introduced.)

First of all: people can be friends and then evolve into lovers. Not only it is common romantic trope, but it is also the most realistic one. And those relationships are usually strongest. second: If people want to see Loki in a platonic friendship so desperately, why can´t it be a woman for a change? They were acting like chaotic siblings for most of the episode three anyway. The age gap aspect is also very funny. Owen is only about 12 years older (That is not that much. But I imagine, some people would get uncomfortable. But If it was man and woman, most of them wouldn´t even blinked. But two men, that has to be somehow automatically son and father figure dynamic) And If you want to dive into age of an actual characters, then good luck with that in a series about gods, variants and time travel. Almost nobody cares about age gap between Lucifer and detective Decker, or Bella and Edward. On top of that, it was heavily implied, that Loki slept with older, silver haired guy in Ragnarok, so it´s not like he would have problem with that.

Different standards are projected in a way how we see romantic dynamics between fictional characters depends on what we are used to, how are we perceiving world around us, what we are expecting to see and ALSO, what we would like to see, that much is true.  When people are used to make no differences between heterosexual and homosexual pairing, then everything what happens to the characters is measured with the same meter. (Even though I experienced queerbaiting many times (( Once upon a time, Sherlock, Supernatural, Good Omens – the last one hopefully is not the case, but I guess we´ll see)) I also saw lots of lgbt shows like Queer as folks and Sense8.) And when we are not used to see it the same way, well… then it looks basically like that one comment under Castiel´s “I love you” scene on youtube, that said  “what a beautiful friendship”.

If we forget about all that chaotic mess behind the scenes (all those articles and contrary messages)  What is happening in a show between Loki and Mobius can be objectively considered romantic and what is happening between Loki and Sylvie in a series can be objectively considered platonic (until the kiss) and vice versa.  And then to see comments about how absurd it is to even think they have chemistry, and about gay fetish - it´s hard to swallow. I read posts about absurdity of a ship and how there is absolutely nothing that would suggests romance.  Well there is, actually. But whether creators are going to work with it or not, that´s something we can only speculate. They already made Loki officially bisexual. So why should it be so absurd to assume, that there is an actual possibility of romantic subplot between Loki and Mobius? Oh right… it´s Disney and Marvel we are talking about.

So on a subject of bisexuality: Bi people can date whoever they want.  But It is a little frustrating, when there is so many heterosexual pairings in the mcu and disney but when there is a promise of lgbt character (speaking of endgame) we get one line about date from a man we´ll never see again. And when there is a promise of lgbt representation you can´t even blink during movie, or you´ll miss it (Star wars, Beauty and the beast). And then Loki said “A bit of both, I suspect the same as you”. And I won´t lie, I was happy. And I think creators made biggest step yet with this one line (which is honestly terrible, that “a bit of both” coming from Loki of all people, is the biggest step forward.) But they played it VERY safe. Obviously, both Loki, and Sylvie are bisexuals, and in three episodes, we had Loki flirting with female flight attendant, Sylvie talking about her relationship with POSTMAN and then they fall for each other. So the only thing that suggests they are really as bi as Lamentis 1 is that little sentence, that can be edited out, or easily overheard. It´s the bare minimum. And I think that frustration with how freaking slowly we´re moving into some progress is understandable. From all those great M/M dynamics I talked about, those, that could make great love story, nothing happened, because too many people “don´t mind gays but don´t need to look at them” or are scared for their children. In 2021.

It is not a fetish to wish for a gay love story in superhero movies/series. (But anyway, I don´t think there is anything bad about it. Some men like to watch lesbian porn, some woman like to read gay porn. AO3 wouldn´t be were it is today, without people reading and writing slash :D – but that has little to do with what we actually see on tv)

I´m not delusional. As much, as I love these two characters together, I know how little chance it has.  I´m not delusional. I´m just in the future, old and tired, waiting hundreds of years for at least one of my OTP to finaly become a fucking canon.

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

BNHA characters and their genshin experiences

I've been way into genshin for the past couple months, if anyone wants to play with me message me (I'm lvl 45 rn) but be warned I have shitty internet and am a partial razor main

but this is mainly characters I can see actually putting time into genshin

Bakugou

Mains: Yanfei

his main has probably been most every pyro character at some point

he wants diluc so bad, whenever someone else complains that diluc ruined their pity he wants to ruin their existence

before yanfei his main was probably hu Tao

hed definitely play klee if he had her lmao but he doesnt and is patiently waiting for her rerun

he has a lot of 5 star characters and is f2p, he can always get banner characters within at least the first pity, but for standard 5 stars hes gotten keqing and qiqi way too many times and hes livid

especially as a previous hu tao main, he was begging for Jean, still has yet to come home

hes probably a very high level, not fully maxed out considering he hasnt been playing all that long, he was probably forced to start when the rest of the bakusquad started playing it and he just took off

has really shitty artifact luck though, like his characters arent bad or anything but they could be so, so much better

and ugh hes livid

explores everything, has 100% exploration everywhere, but hes not bored hes still got artifact farming to do and he enjoys terrorizing enemies

in co op he will set you and everything around you on fire. cope.

Todoroki

Mains: Xiao or Ganyu

probably only started playing because Izuku asked him to

kaeya has also been on his team since day 1 and he is never leaving doesnt matter his friendship has been level 10 for weeks now who cares

was f2p until xiao, who didnt want to come home at all, and he finally got him on his 180th pull

now he doesnt care and will buy primogems whenever hes bored

he has a lot of constellations on kaeya and hes so proud of that, probably c4, is considering buying way too many primogems just so that he can hopefully get his c6

now his artifact luck is godly, you'll go into a domain with him and be like ugh I got nothing and hes like I got a 4 piece set with all attack or crit rate/damage main stats like haha I hate you

but yeah his characters are very strong cause of this, but he doesnt put effort into building a lot of them, he only levels up and gives good artifacts to his team and a couple other characters he likes but everyone else just sits there for a while

hes not super obsessed with the game, but he does think its funny seeing bakugou get so upset whenever they do domains together

doesnt even bother doing daily tasks really unless hes trying to save primogems

Midoriya

Mains: Venti

hes so good at building characters, like he looks up builds online and watches those "do INSANE damage with these tips" videos - and he sets out to get them done and he does

bakugou is once again livid whenever they play together, because Izuku barely has to try and can do so much more damage than him

he does have to put in a lot of work for his artifacts though because he doesnt settle for the okay ones he needs the absolute best

he builds his favorite characters the most ofc, but he evenly distributes things to other characters he knows can be useful- those characters might not have insane stats but they're still good

will not kill timmies pigeons, hell hunt birds in the wild for fun though

definitely a food hoarder

also does a lot of exploring and probably has at least 90% for each area

Kaminari

Mains: Lisa

he is 1000% in love with Lisa, he took her quest very seriously

and so many people say shes horrible, he hates it, hes made her crazy strong out of spite

his team consists of only his wifus- meaning lisa, beidou, rosaria, and mona

for a long time beidou was his second but then rosaria came along and hes like ugh big tiddy goth gf, but lisa still remains queen

these are the only characters hes built though, save for a couple like probably razor and xiangling that he used before he fully got this team

is an ayaka saver

he doesnt care too much about most 5 stars but will sometimes get them just to say he has them, but they end up just sitting there rotting away because he never puts work into them

he does have hu tao though and would get ganyu if she ever had a rerun

Kirishima

Mains: Diluc Razor or Beidou

they're all on his team, the last person switches out but it's most likely zhongli or childe

hes all about dps, support who, he just wants to hit hard and do insane damage , so yes he made dps zhongli

except his builds arent that great, with some help his builds are decent, but on his own hell be like ugh that's some sexy 300 damage

probably didnt know what 90% of the stats even meant and just put random attack ones on people and went yeah that looks good

doesnt really care though and is just having fun so hell play how he wants (as he should) but he does have to ask for help when farming bosses

loves exploring but misses so much, hell get distracted easily and end up just messing around

honestly probably hasnt bothered to ascend his world since he got to level 35, if he did the quest hed probably go straight to 45 and even then hed still have extra exp because hes been there for so long oml

but eventually he would have to and hed be trying to do it like :,) this is fine and it takes him a lot of tries but he gets there eventually,,, only to immediately have another one waiting for him poor baby

Mina

Mains: Klee or Xiangling

thinks baizhu is hot (and is correct) so shes desperately waiting for him

was a I must play 24/7 player until after the last story quest, then she got kinda bored but still plays frequently so she can save primogems and likes playing co op

goes into random peoples worlds a lot

shes got some pretty strong characters and is proud of her account

definitely makes tiktoks of her playing with the bakusquad cause it's always v chaotic (it's probably only denki and kirishima most of the time, but sometimes either bakugou or sero will join in)

does all the genshin tiktok trends

shes a pretty high level since shes probably been playing for a while and has most everything done

she loves helping lower level people though she thinks it's so cute and loves the power she feels when she one shots things

Sero

Mains: Xingqui

hes a pretty casual player, kinda only plays when hes bored or the others make him play with them

but his stats arent too bad, they're fairly average but he gets by

has so many primogems because he doesnt bother to wish on anyone, probably wants kazuha though

he does get super invested into the story though, hes so curious about the world and where the story is gonna lead

probably watches a lot of genshin theory videos and now he over thinks everything in the game

he explores a lot, not so much to find every single thing but more so just because he likes looking at everything, hes very excited for all the new places

Shinsou

Mains: Childe

hes a very thorough player, he explores a lot and puts a lot of work into building his characters

most of them arent all that great but he has plans to fix them

his main team is very well built, not the best, but still good

he struggles when he has to switch someone out for a domain or something because his other characters are so painfully mediocre right now and he feels so bad

shinsou, playing a character that can do like max 200 physical damage and biggest damage is like 2 thousand, repeatedly saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you deserve so much better, I'm so sorry

even if it's not the worst damage by far, he feels bad about anything under his main team's stats because they're just so much higher

broke. has no primogems. spent them all on childe and his constellations. does he regret it? well he sure does appreciate his c6 so- hell manage

yes he spent real money on his stupid mass murderer who he loves very much

fights childe every day even though he already collected the treasure, he is but a humble simp

probably decently lucky with wishing like he can beat the 50/50 almost every time

Tamaki

Mains: Chongyun and Sucrose

he only started playing recently, probably kirishima got him into it, but he immediately fell in love

kirishima was like tell me when you're level 16 so we can play together !!! and 2 days later tamaki was level 16 and kiri was shook because how the hell did he do it so fast

hates domains, the dread he feels when he realizes the lower level isnt going to give him anything anymore, and he has to move up to the next, and the next,,

asks kirishima to help him only to realize he isnt much help, is too nice to say that so he let's kiri keep trying- one day kiri gets deku to play with the two of them and tamaki almost cries because finally he can get through the level 90 domain and actually get things ugh

cannot get xingqui to save his life he refuses to come home and poor tamaki is so sad he wants him a lot hes even got all his materials saved up

Monoma

Mains: Ningguang

honestly doesnt play all that much but takes pride in making his account seem v good, is a whale

but hes very good at the game, didnt know what the artifacts were for at first and gave people ones based on how they looked but once he figured it out hes fixed them

is a very standard player, logs in every day to do his commissions and use his resin then logs out, he doesnt put too much time into the game and doesnt worry if he misses a day or two

worships ningguang, also really likes xinyan, his other team members are probably venti and albedo

has every single banner 5 star that has come out since he started playing, probably doesnt have klee though and is v upset about it, and is thanking the heavens for all the reruns lately

also doesnt have keqing and wants her a lot cause he likes her

accepts every single co op request he gets, and despite what a lot may think hes actually a very nice person to play with, not toxic at all - unless you're someone he knows then he might be mean to you shshshsh

Shigaraki

Mains: Razor

haha isnt it so odd that they sound so similar haha (if you dont know they have the same japanese va and I'm guessing hed play it in Japanese)

obviously he can be kinda busy ya know being a criminal and all that but when hes not he puts a lot of time into genshin

sadly doesnt have very good luck when it comes to characters or artifacts, but hes doing his best even with 0 primogems and his 50% crit rate

doesnt explore all that much, most of the exploring hes done came from him trying to get all the oculus

his razor is so good though, except that's the only character hes put tons of effort into

except for now zhongli, hes not replacing razor but ugh does he love zhongli

but his other characters are pretty mediocre at best, he could build them if he wanted to, hes good enough at gaming to figure it out, he just doesnt have the time to spend to do it so he focuses on his main team

also (spoiler alert kinda) when we had to go to the wolf spirit to fight the abyss herald and razor was there, afterwards how razor was saying how he was too weak and stuff and was super sad, at that very moment shiggy decided the entire abyss order had to be destroyed - sorry aether (he chose lumine) but razor is more important than you

[clairesweirdstuff]

I think something might be wrong with me.

I know I shouldn't advertise this here, but this happened a couple times now and I feel so conflicted and horny at the same time.

So I'm a sub with a hypno kink, I knew this - my partners know it, anyone who has ever read any part of this blog has probably picked that much up.

But honestly, I haven't gotten much person-to-person live hypno time. I'll listen to files or read a text induction - and I love them - but because my partners haven't been into hypnokink, I really haven't gotten much chance to engage with a real live person.

But then I joined a discord server a couple weeks ago and ... fffff... uh.. aa-a-ap-parently I'm a slut?

I don't know what it is, is it the attention? Is it finally indulging my kink? Have all the scripts I've read and the files I've listened to actually affected me?

Well, in any case, here's what happened.

I joined 1 discord server, a guy reached out to me. We chatted about how great it would feel to just let myself be programmed into an obedient toy (yessss). And then he found out I was trans and he wasn't interested. Which sucks, right? Like, this is the internet, what does it even matter? And I was a bit insulted, but I considered myself too good for this guy anyway.

But I still wanted it. I found myself wondering if maybe I could fix him, change his mind about trans women and get more of that sweet kink talk where he'd tell me how he wanted to make me his good girl (Hhhhh, pls?).

I was disgusted with myself! Claire, you don't need this jerk! And I managed to resist reaching back out to him.

And then I joined another discord server. And in this one, someone did a text induction on my and another girl in one of the channels and fffuuuuccckkk it was amazing. It was honestly nothing specifically erotic but I could feel it. My breathing slowed, my mind fuzzed out and I gave him control and it was SO FUCKING HOT. I was weak, I wanted more.

I get a DM from someone on this new server, and we start to talk.

They tell me they prefer cis women (once again, why this matters on the internet I don't understand), but they want to chat and do a trance with me.

Okay Sweet! I push my questions of why things are relevant aside and we start to chat and I go under.

He asks me to turn on my camera.

Now, normally, I wouldn't do this! Like my waking brain is continually telling me how stupid this was, but I did it. I just, I can't really explain it - but I needed to please him and I knew he wanted to see me - so how was I supposed to NOT obey and turn on my camera?

So I did, and he basically has me make some sexy ahegao type faces as my mind is just completely fucked and then he wakes me up and says "Sorry, not my type" and I haven't heard from him since.

So, who cares, right? Yeah, but it felt so good. It took me a week to delete our conversation. I'm so fucking desperate that I was hoping he'd change his mind. Like wtf is wrong with me?

Okay, then another guy messages me. This time is basically all RP. We RP this kind of Kaa junglebook storyline for a few days and it is not what I would've said I would go for normally, but it is SUPER hot. After 3 days of RPing daily, he starts to ask about me. What am I wearing? I tell him. What do I look like? I tell him. He wants a picture. I freeze.

Fuck okay, this has been great up until now, but I gotta tell him. So I tell him I'm trans, he says I'm still his girl. I'm relieved and I send him a picture. He tells me I'm beautiful.

I'm in some kind of a trance at this point and he's asking me for more pictures and less clothes and for basically the first time in my life I'm taking pictures of myself practically naked and he's telling me that I'm such a good girl for him (<shudder> fffuck, why does it feel so good.)

He says he has to go - his wife is back home. Eventually my senses come back to me and I realize what I did and I delete all the pictures from the chat and my phone. I apologize to him, and he hasn't spoken to me since (4 days now).

So I mean, the data is there. Apparently I'm a hypnosis addict who will do anything while hypnotized.

God I want more. It's been 4 days and I just edged while browsing tumblr for the last hour and my brain feels like it's about a half-step away from dropping for a stranger right now.

I.. uh... I'm gonna go outside or something. Shovel snow... try not to be horny slut for an hour. Wish me luck.