#this isn't exhaustive but i've been thinking about this for awhile

[izzythehutt]

Saul Wrong?

I have many controversial BrBa/BCS opinions, but the one that I always come back to is that Saul Goodman worked way better as a comic relief supporting character than as a protagonist of his own show.

I actually found him more likeable when he was an unapologetic sleazebag, it was when they tried to make me feel sorry for him in his own show that I lost sympathy. His pathological criminality brings out my inner Howard/Chuck, I guess. It's like....dude...why are you like this? And I don't necessarily feel like the show does a very good job of explaining it. At a young age he sees his father getting taken advantage of by conmen, and apparently accepts the (deeply morally cynical) attitude that the world is separated into hustlers (wolves) and marks (sheep.) His parents seem to have been totally normal people for whom he felt affection but no respect, because he can't stand rubes, and that's what they were. His brother Chuck is not a rube and is the family member whose affection and respect Jimmy seems to covet the most, though it's not clear whether he has any awareness that the very quality that makes his brother's esteem worth having (his commitment to an objective standard of morality—the fact that he can see through Jimmy's bullshit) is the one thing that prevents them from understanding one another.

Somehow the fact that Walt lived a (basically) normal life until his cancer diagnosis, and everything he does is predicated on his awareness of his own mortality, makes the character's moral fall from grace...more understandable to me? He obviously has a bunch of bottled up petty resentments and a sense of having wasted his potential, but I find his pathology way more coherent than Jimmy/Saul's. I think this is really because he was always the main character of a show, and Saul got a gigantic retconned deep backstory for the spin-off which, while enjoyable, was very obviously not the point of that character when he was created. BCS had to answer the question, "why would someone become like this?" but I wonder if there really is a particularly satisfying way to explain why a comic relief criminal lawyer would choose to work with a person like Walt.

I think BrBa did a better job of showing how Walt self-justifies his awful behavior (compartmentalization, projection, guilt) but Jimmy/Saul seems to have something missing (a sympathy chip? He's capable of feeling compassion for people he relates to, but no sense of seeing value in any abstract principle.) Why are you so obsessed with breaking the rules, dude? His brother is basically correct in their final conversation when he assesses Jimmy as behaving like a child who refuses to acknowledge the consequences of his actions beyond how they hurt him. Every moral consideration is made in terms of his subjective feelings. Him feeling entitled to a high-profile job at his brother's law firm when his brother had to bail him out of serious legal problems is really kind of insane.

Maybe the real problem for me is that Walt is obsessed with gaining respect and Jimmy is obsessed with being liked, and at the end of the day as a motivation for villainy in a man, I.....kind of find the latter more pathetic than the former.

[jaiistg]

Enemies to lovers with Oikawa Toruu.

Authors note: Hiyaaa im back from the deadd, school's been stressing me out lately and I've been studying hard because I want to make my parents proud since they have high expectations of me.Im currently finishing my drafs and request's,Im sorry if it took awhile to write this HAHAJKAKAHAHAJJ

•You didn't really like Oikawa when you first met him,I mean....You didn't hate him nor like him so...Yeah.

•Your probably questioning why you feel neutral abt him Oikawa WELL YOU WERE WALKING TO THE SHOP TO BUY MILK BREAD BUT THEN YOU TRIPPED.AND YOU KNOW WHAT THIS BITCH DID????? HE LAUGHED AT YOU.But when he finished laughing he did offer you an hand "Hey are you Okay?" LIKE I LITERALLY TRIPPED DO I LOOK OKAY TO YOU?? "Nice of you to help me after laughing at me".

•You expected to never see his face again BUT NOOO....When you arrived at Aoba Josai YOU WERE MET WITH HIM.What a nice way to start school! "YOU?!" "The principal told me to help you with your first day to school cutie" "ew.I can do this on my own,leave me alone" and you got lost...THANK GODDD YOU SAW HIM,it was so awkward like you had to approach him from a bunch of fangirls giving him chocolates and shits😭 "Hey so.....I actually need your help...." "Ohohohoh?"

•You don't really know what his fangirls see in him.Was it his cocky attitude? Was it his narcissistic personality? Or was it his good looks? Even if you dont like him you can't deny that he has good looks,like bros magestic and knows it😭😭.

•He was really shocked when you didn't became all over him on the store,He was curious about you and wanted to see you again.You on the other hand WANTS TO AVOID THIS BOY.LIKE WHEN HE SAW YOU AT HIS SCHOOL HE WAS THINKING "this must be my lucky day" while you were thinking "Why does god hate me this much" LMAOO😭

•It all changed when your little brother was lost and you FINALLY saw him with Oikawa.He was so Gentle and Nice to him.You didn't expected him to have that kind of side.Maybe you were to judgemental of him so you decided to become friends with him and apologize.It was hard with his cocky attitude but you did it !! So proud of you

•As time goes by you became good friends with him surprisingly and got along with him ! It didn't take long until you both catched feelings for eachother tho.You didn't confess whatsoever because your afraid of rejection soo my boy Oikawa confessed first and didn't expect for you to return his feelings but he's happy !!

•We all know Oikawa has alot of fangirls amd it isn't rare for his significant other to be insecure of themselves because of It.He reassured you that he loves you more than anything and would never leave you for anyone.

•He would remind you everyday that he loves you so much,and he ALWAYS talks about you to his team to the point that whenever he says "do you guys know that y-" "dude just shut up already,we get it okay.Your in a healthy relationship 🙄". You get flowers everyday from him *winks*.

•And boy when I tell you,this boy is touch starved ‼️ whenever you guys walk to school together he would always hold your hand.And when your in class and you're tired he would always offer you his shoulder he gave the professor money so y'all could sit next to eachother,so worth it.

•This dude literally has all the love languages to exist lets not talk about quality time,yeah? BUTT HE MAKES IT UP WITH YOU WHENEVER YOU GUYS CAN'T SPEND TIME WITH EACHOTHER OKAYY.This poor boy feels so guilty and thinks he isn't worth your love just because you guys haven't spended time with each other for 2 DAYS pls comfort him.

•Hes happy that you support his passion for volleyball,its rare for someone to not get mad at him because he always plays volleyball and barely can spend time with his significant other.But just because you support his passion for volleyball doesn't mean that you support him ALL the time.When he is tired and exhausted but still wants to practice volleyball you say that he needs to take a rest.He can't say no to you so he did take a rest.He is really grateful to have a girlfriend like you !!<33

[yanderes-galore]

Could you write a platonic concept for Lonely Freddy (Fazbear Frights)? i think this would work if reader is an employee at the pizzeria and found the bear. The obssesion starts and then LF uses that stare in reader, switching bodies with us, and then kidnapping us (now in our new body). Also, gender-neutral.

Sorry if it was too specific.

It's fine! I'll see what I got :) Wasn't too specific at all!

Yandere! Platonic! Lonely Freddy Concept

(Fazbear Frights: Lonely Freddy)

Pairing: Platonic

Possible Trigger Warning: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Forced friendship, Manipulation, Body swapping, Strangely caring yandere, Stalking/Following, Implied that darling is mentally exhausted/always stressed, Kidnapping.

It's been awhile since I've read this story so I apologize if anything is off.

In this concept I assume all of the Lonely Freddy's have the ability to body swap.

I also assume they can all walk on their own because I vaguely remember there being a scene where a Lonely Freddy is following a child.

Lonely Freddys are described as plush toys meant to keep lonely kids company at Freddy Fazbears.

Working at the pizzeria is very taxing on your mental health.

You have to work with kids all day and the place isn't necessarily the cleanest.

The animatronics make you uneasy yet you work here for meager pay.

You may attract a Lonely Freddy due to it sensing your poor mental state or something.

The toy seems to sense you're lonely and maybe it activates around you.

You don't notice it at first until a coworker points out that one of the toys is following you.

This confuses you, causing you to turn from cleaning to see the small bear toy staring up at you with glowing blue eyes.

It looks like it's... waiting for something?

With a soft sigh you pick up the toy and put it away.

What you don't know is this toy is about to show up around you way more often.

This particular Lonely Freddy toy keeps following and watching you while you work.

You've even tried giving it to children to keep them occupied, yet the bear finds a way to wiggle its way back to you.

It's just another instance of Fazbear tech being weird... as usual.

At some point you just decide to tolerate the bear.

You aren't getting rid of it, it's not hurting you, and your coworkers have joked about it being your own personal friend.

At this point you may as well befriend it as it never leaves you be.

The Lonely Freddy's "obsession" is mostly just following you around and monitoring you.

It can't kill, in its current state it can't kidnap, it's currently a harmless companion toy for you.

While you clean you sometimes pick it up to place on a table.

While you entertain kids you sometimes use it as an example for what you can do at Fazbears.

You begin to not mind the toy so much.

In fact, you may feel compelled to talk to it like it's your friend.

You absentmindedly play with it while on your break.

You even find yourself answering the little questions it asks, giving it more and more information about you.

Things only go wrong when the toy hypnotizes you.

In the break room the bear asks you personal questions and soon... you can't move.

By the time you regain your senses again, you and the bear have swapped.

Those glowing blue eyes of the bear now glow in your color.

Your body... now belonging to the bear... has vibrant blue eyes.

It seems inhuman.

Instead of having your fate be one of the dumpster like many before you, the bear decides it should continue its duty.

You're supposed to be friends!

It activated because you were unhappy... so now it'll take care of you!

Not many may notice the personality change between you and the bear.

Although it's a bit weird that it looks like you're very affectionate to the bear now, way more than before.

The Lonely Freddy takes your place.

It takes on the stressful tasks of your life while catering to you in your new plush body.

It never takes its hands off you, holding you happily.

You're placed on the bed while it rests in your body.

It whispers praises to you, saying there's no need to worry anymore.

If anything it's improving your life!

You won't have to suffer anymore.

As a plush bear, you can be happy. It'll keep you safe.

You're scared, sad, and upset.

Yet you can't convey these emotions as a Lonely Freddy.

You can only sit and endure while the bear masquerades as you in your body.

It tells you you'll be happy with no more responsibility in your life now... it'll handle everything from now on!

While that sounds nice... that never meant you wanted to spend the rest of your life imprisoned within a plush toy, either.

[link-eats-rocks]

After rescuing Zelda from the Yiga, she's suddenly treating him differently...

Link was still winded from his battle with the Yiga. It hadn't been physically tiring; running them off had taken all of ten seconds. But he couldn't slow his heartbeat after the sight of Princess Zelda with a blade aimed at her throat.

It probably made her mad to have him staring. And she was probably mad that he'd followed her, even if it had meant her life.

She must be pretty shaken too, though, since she was walking close to him at his side instead of her usual five paces ahead.

Often, when he turned to check on her, she was already looking at him. That made it all the more impossible to calm down. He clinched his fists and fixed his eyes ahead across the sprawling nothingness of the desert.

"It will be getting cold soon," The Princess said quietly.

He nodded.

"How far do you think we are from the stable?"

The Shiekah Slate didn't work this deep into the Gerudo Desert. But they'd been walking for miles. "We shouldn't be long, Princess. We'll arrive before sundown."

She sighed. "That's a relief. Y-You deserve some rest."

It took awhile to register what she'd just said. Was he hallucinating or had she just said something kind to him?

They trudged on in silence while Link’s mind spun wildly in confusion. He felt uneasy. Was she trying a new approach to run away? Would she try running away again tonight? He was about to fall over. How could she possibly have the energy to plan another escape?

Link sat down at the fire and let his aching head sink to his hands. For just a moment while The Princess was inside the inn, he could indulge his exhaustion, shutting his eyes and enjoying the heat of the fire against his hands and face.

One minute. Just a second and he'd start on dinner...

"Link?"

He snapped to position, straightening his back and looking up at The Princess.

She smiled. She was holding a wooden tray with two mugs and bowls on it.

"I bought dinner. It's been a long day. No need to cook."

He blinked, dumbstruck, as she sat down on the stool beside his, tray on her lap, and handed him a bowl of soup and a large mug of water. He should've thanked her but instead he just dug in.

He heard her spoon clink against her bowl and she laughed, genuine, melodic. He looked over slowly.

She was grinning at him. There was no malice in her eyes but he still braced himself for a jab. "You eat fast."

His eyes darted to the right. He didn't know what to make of that so he resumed eating. His headache ebbed with every bite.

By the time he'd finished his bowl and his water, he felt like collapsing into his cot.

"I got you something," The Princess said just as he was about to suggest they turn in. "When I bought dinner, I also bought us both beds for the night."

He couldn't deny it anymore. Somehow, she wasn't angry anymore.

Her cheeks were getting rosier. "The deluxe extra comfy beds."

Link bit his bottom lip, knowing he'd have to reply. "You bought...two beds?"

"Yes. As a "thank you"."

"Princess?"

"For saving me today," she elaborated.

"I—You didn't have to. It isn't worth—."

"It's my life," she interrupted. "No one has ever done such a thing for me. You put yourself in front of me. You could've died."

He dropped his head, his throat tight. "Oh. Well, of course your life is most valuable. That's why there's no sense in thanking me. There's not even a thought as to what must be done."

He was met with harsh silence.

It took awhile for him to screw up the courage to look at her. When he did, the air was knocked from his lungs.

Her eyes were filled with tears and fixed on him.

"Im sorry, Princess!"

She shook her head. "Whatever for? I am the one who ought to apologize, Link."

"No."

"Link."

Link rubbed the back of his neck, scrubbing at his hair.

"Link, I've made your life as difficult as I could. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I am sorry." Her voice rose unexpectedly and she looked away, wiping her face. "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I've felt sorry since I did it, actually. You'd done nothing wrong."

"I'm sorry for always upsetting you, Princess." His voice was choked too.

They faced away from each other and sniffled.

"You didn't, Link. It's not your fault I'm upset."

With those words, a weight was lifted from his shoulders. Months of wondering where he'd gone wrong, and he finally had an answer. If she was taking out anger on him, that was easy to accept. He wish he could've understood that to begin with.

"Let's go to bed," Zelda said after a few minutes of sitting in silence, both trying not to cry, and not looking at each other.

Link nodded and stood. Out of habit, he held out his hand to help her up. It was how he'd been trained. She never let him help her, though.

As soon as he'd done it, his fingers flinched to pull away. Before he could, Zelda's soft, warm hand was in his. Electricity ran through him and he blushed.

She stood up but didn't let go, instead meeting his eyes, standing close, just a hair taller than him. Her gaze was gentle. "Friends?"

Link raised his brows. He wasn't through the shock of her hand in his or her face this close, so it was hard to process that she was speaking to him. "Of course, Princess." The words came out in a whisper.

She let go of his hand and clasped hers in front of her. "Zelda, then. Call me Zelda." She smiled shyly.

"Are you sure?" He was so nervous he was shaking. He prayed she didn't notice.

"Mm."

This time, the silence between them was even more awkward since they were standing so close. She should know by now that he was useless at conversation. Nothing would happen at this rate; he'd continue staring at his shoes until sunrise if she kept looking at him.

"Thank you again, Link." She stepped away, smiling at him brightly. "Let's get some sleep, alright?"

"Yes, Princess."

"Hm?"

He couldn't help but grin as he realized his mistake even as heat rushed to his face. "Okay, Zelda."

[grxcisxhy-wp]

c.h. | you don't go to parties

back to my masterlist

pairing ; calum hood x reader

requested ; no

summary ; we've all heard the song i think you get it

warnings ! secret relationship, mention of alcohol and drug consumption, no happy ending

word count ; 937

a/n ; been awhile! sorry about that but i've had this concept in my head for a bit. i'm sure someone else has already done this, but i'm a sucker for angst so i figured i'd write some. enjoy!

Five years. That's a long time to being loving someone. A time where you give your all to that person. A time where you plan a future. A time where you share dreams and goals, even create some together. And all the time together only makes it hurt more when it's over.

Calum is a private guy, much more reserved than the other boys in the band. That's how he managed to keep your relationship under lock and key for so long. Cozy days in with him and Duke were the go to. The only time you two would be seen together was at parties when it was easy to blame the fact of Calum being with a girl on all the alcohol and/or drugs consumed that night.

It was easier when Calum was gone on tour or writing trips. Easier to forget all the pain the hiding brought you. You had wanted to tell the world, but Calum made it clear that wasn't his intention any time soon. He told you it was to protect you from all the negative attention that would inevitably come your way. You weren't sure you believed that anymore.

And so you brought it up one night.

"Cal," you whispered softly. So softly that if the two of you were doing anything but sitting on his couch in silence he wouldn't have heard it.

He responded with your name and when you stayed silent for a little too long he got worried, asking, "What's wrong, love?"

"I'm tired of quiet nights at home and parties," you admitted with a sigh. "I'm tired of no one knowing we're together."

"I told you, I'm trying to protect you," he reminded you. "Besides the people who matter know. Isn't that enough?"

"I don't know anymore." You pushed yourself away from him, turning to look into his eyes. "I just know I feel terrible hiding this. Us. So terrible that I can't sleep some nights."

"Why are you bringing this up now?" Calum asked. "I thought things were good. That you were happy with it being just us."

"I am happy," you reaffirmed. "I'm just... I could be happier."

"Can't we just talk about this later? Let's not ruin a good night."

"Sure."

But the pit in your stomach didn't go away as Calum pulled you into his chest again. And that was only the beginning of all the arguments. The beginning of the end.

"I'm tired, Calum," you shouted over the bed at him. The exhaustion was clear on your face. "Can we just go to bed and talk about this in the morning?"

"No. I want to talk now."

"That's a first," you mumbled.

"What was that?" Calum said, glaring at you accusingly.

"Nothing, just that you're the one usually putting this conversation off, and I'm the one continuously begging you to have it. What changed?"

"You! You changed!" Calum shouted. "You're giving up."

"Well, I've accepted the fact that I'm clearly not winning this argument," you admitted. "You don't want to be seen with me and that's fine. But you couldn't have expected I'd be quiet about it forever."

"Not forever," Calum said. "Just until I'm ready."

"And when will that be?"

The silence gave you your answer.

"I'm sick and tired, Calum," you repeated. "I can't deal with this. I won't be a secret anymore."

"What are you saying?" Calum asked, though he was sure he already knew.

"I'm saying I'm done," you said firmly, looking him straight in the eye. "I don't even want to stay one more night here. It makes me feel filthy being your secret. Like you could never want to be seen with me."

Calum says your name, enough love in the way he says it that it only hurts more than helps. "That's not true and you know it."

"No, I don't. Because it hasn't felt that way in a long time." You begin to collect your things, staying true to your word about leaving tonight. "I'll be back for the rest of my things later this week."

The way he says your name now is pleading. "Don't go. We can talk-"

"I'm tired of talking," you say, your tone truly exhausted. "Just let me go. Make this easy for once."

And he let you.

The next time Calum saw you was months later. Or at least he thought it was you.

He had been going to parties and getting all kinds of fucked up ever since you left. He had hoped you guys could talk when you got the rest of your things from his house, but you had sent a friend instead. One who had clearly been in the loop and did nothing but glare at him the whole time.

Since then he was drinking all day and all night at any houseparty he could find, drinking again the next day as some sort of hangover cure. It worked for awhile. Let him forget.

Until he thought he saw a glimpse of your face at a party he was hosting. He had been well past drunk and someone had given him some pill he couldn't remember the name of but he swore it had been you. Your hair, your eyes, your smile.

He stumbled off the couch after you, but you had been lost in the sea of people already. For the remainder of the party he went around trying to find you, asking people if they'd seen you, telling them all that had gone down between you including the good, the bad, and the ugly.

He never found you.

'Cause you don't go to parties anymore.

[ftmtftm]

This is a long ask sorry. Recently I saw screenshots of some transmascs (usernames were understandably cropped out) saying that transandrophobia stems from “sex, which is immutable” and these screenshots were being held up as a reason why the idea of transandrophobia was stupid (and if this is the only encounter someone has had with the conversation around transandrophobia I don’t necessarily blame them because that is stupid)

I think in response to that post going around, I’ve also seen a couple people (who were transmasc themselves) accusing people that believe in transandrophobia of like, perpetuating radfem rhetoric and claiming “femaleness when it’s convenient, to victimize themselves”.

I was wondering if you had any thoughts or insight on navigating conversation about transandrophobia or antitrans masculinity when there is the occasional bio essentialist shithead, and that kind of person seems to be the most associated with the theory?

Okay so - I just want to preface this and say this is genuinely just my own personal course of action informed by a lot of my experiences having been on Tumblr for over a decade. I honestly don't know how helpful it is for others, but it's ultimately how I personally do it, so I'll share.

My go to response for the kind of people who seem to be self victimizing or who seem to be bio essentialist shitheads - and my go to response to the people who use that to say they're perpetuating radfem rhetoric by self victimizing - is honestly usually to just scroll past, sometimes block depending personal comfort, and move on.

Sometimes I do engage despite my better judgment and usually? I feel like shit afterwards because it ended up being pointless arguing. Most times I'll draft something that responds to concepts being brought up by those people and make my own post later or I'll reblog a relevant post that I've already made, but I do really try not to directly engage and I would encourage others to do the same.

Instead, I try to contribute in the ways I'm personally good at like via academia/original posts/answering asks. I feel very confident in my own opinions and my ability to back them up in response to accusations of Radfem ideals and self victimization because I know myself and I know my understanding of both Radical Feminism and Intersectional, Black, Decolonialist Feminism. I pretty constantly try to do a lot of self examination, but ultimately I'm confident in my core ethics and morals and I try to reflect that out to others in a human way. That carries a lot of weight for me personally.

That's all really important to me because this is ultimately still Tumblr and there's a lot of people in a lot of pain here. It's the piss on the poor hellscape webed site full of extremely traumatized people that have been at each other's throats over the worst faith readings of every opinion possible for longer than some users have even been alive.

When you've been here and in discourse spaces specifically for awhile - it becomes pretty obvious when a hurt person is lashing out and not actually engaging with an idea in a way that isn't focused on their own pain. I can do what I can, but those conversations specifically tend to devolve into nothing good real fast. So? It's just genuinely not something I try to dedicate a lot of time to engaging directly with. Especially because it gets really exhausting and honestly bad for my own mental health at certain points.

Hopefully that's helpful in some way? I'm genuinely not really sure if it is, but I hope so.

[grav3yardbb92]

RUMOR HAS IT

Angel series imagine

Angel x Fem! Witch! reader. Spike x Fem! Witch! reader

T.W.: language, mention of demons and vampires (obviously)

********

I exit the elevator, entering the main floor of Wolfram and Hart. I exhale, second guessing the discission I made this morning, but I approach the person I consider my closest friend and proceed to tell her anyway.

" Hey Harm, can I tell you a secret?"

"Of course, you can, sweetie" the blonde responds, adding an encouraging smile. Here it goes.

" I, um, I think I'm in love with...

" a vampire " she finishes for me

" What? How do you..."

"Everyone knows y/n, well everyone except said vampire."

"You should tell him" She continues. Earning a gasp from me.

"Are you nuts? I can't tell him, ever." I argue.

"Well, why not, waiting for him to notice obviously isn't working."

"Harm, look at me, I'm just a witch, that's a big step down from slayer, I know how he feels about me, we are barely friends."

"You are a very powerful witch, and Buffy was forever ago, he's so over it." She pauses, thinking as deep as a she can before she continues." Okay, just do one thing for me, say it out loud" I look at her confused.

"You heard me" she pushes, and I know she won't shut up about this, and if I don't do this, she might just tell him herself.

I take another deep breath before giving her what she wants.

" I'm in love with..." My confession is interrupted by the elevator door opening, to reveal Angel and Spike caught in yet another of their famous arguments. I watch them both, until Harmony clears her throat

" you're in love with..." She repeats my statement, prompting me to continue. She doesn't have to smirk for me to know what she is doing. But I've got a few tricks.

" With an undead creature with a soul." I finish, proud of myself for keeping it cryptic. " Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a locator spell to work, that baby eating demon won't kill itself."

" that's not what I wanted to hear, y/n" she shouts at me as I stalk down the hall toward my office, unaware that my cryptic confession caused the vampires to stop their argument.

" did she just say what I think she said?"

"Sorry boss, but I can't tell you that, I wouldn't look good as a frog" I laugh at her statement, before closing my door.

**Time skip**

After days and nights of research, we did finally find and kill that demon. And now we are all exhausted and ready to head home, too bad we now have to file paperwork about the case. why, I have no clue, does someone actually want to read about this stuff, future watchers, maybe. But at least it will distract me from thinking about my other situation.

It just so happens that I end up in the elevator with spike, when suddenly, it jerks to a stop and the lights flicker off. As I go to ask what happened, the lights come back on, but the car doesn't move.

" Relax, love, I stopped it, wanted to talk to you"

" Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you too, just not in the elevator"

" It’s the only spot in this bloody place with privacy” He explains, before continuing. “You seemed a little distracted, is it that rumor, floating about?"

Well, yeah, I..." 

" You should tell him"

" Wait, who?"

"Angel, for someone who has been around awhile, he's bloody oblivious" he laughs at his diss toward Angel

" It must be a vampire thing then" I mutter, looking anywhere but his face.

" what's that supposed to mean"

When I don't answer, he grabs my shoulder, turning me to face him.

" I... I don't love angel, not like that."

" I heard you with Harmony, " undead creature with a s-" he cuts himself off, as his brain Catches up to his mouth "oh. Oh! You meant..." I nod and smile nervously, waiting for his response. He only smirks at me.

" Well, go on, tell me how I'm just a stupid little witch and you could never...oh" his lips are on mine. They are softer than I expected, and he taste like cigarettes and copper, that was expected. Somehow during our kiss, the elevator began moving again, and before we knew it, the doors opened.

I didn't want to pull away, but some of us still need to breath, when I did, he smiled at me and grabbed my hand.

"Well, there you two are...." Harmony cuts off mid-sentence and her lips stretch into a knowing smirk.

"What?" Spike, growled, pushing past her, rushing to get to my office.

As we reach my door, I hear her yell after us.

" it's about time"

[femmefeedist]

*Read me first* FAQ:

-----

💓 What are your pronouns, gender & orientation?

I use she/her, I'm a cis female & I'm queer 🥰

❤️ Are you dating anyone?

I'm madly in love with my girlfriend @in-love-with-fat 🥰🥰🥰 We're both lil tumblr s!uts so feel free to flirt with either of us but we're not poly so we're not looking for another committed relationship.

🔥What kind of k!nks are you into?

I'm a switchy feedee/feeder princess into all sorts of hot things, especially feedism and power play. I'm still exploring my k!nky side so this isn't exhaustive at all (& tumblr keeps flagging my pinned post so some of these are descriptions rather than the actual names of what they are)

My subby side:

getting (over)fed/stuffed

*ntox

getting teased for gaining weight

turning off my brain and going dumb

being bred and claimed and used

getting dressed up how you want me

calling you daddy

My princess side:

teasing you

overfeeding you

dom*nating you

getting worshipped by you

draining your wallet

General:

pet play

some consenual non-consent

✨ How much weight have you gained since becoming a feedee?

I used to be 120lbs at my lowest when I was a model and an athlete but I've definitely filled out since then. I have a fast metabolism and I don't gain weight easily naturally, so every bit of pudge I put on is extra hot for me. I don't reveal my weight on tumblr, just on OF, and I only weight myself once a month at most so I don't obsess over the numbers. I will say my new baseline weight (where I hover if I'm not trying to gain or lose) is around 140lbs.

🍀 How did you get into feedism?

I've literally *always* been fascinated by weight gain, overeating, feeding others, and fatter bodies since I can remember. I'm definitely one of those people who didn't use the word "belly" or "tummy" as a kid because it felt so *inappropriate* and I remember distinctly wondering (as a child) how I'd look if I gained weight and I couldn't wait to get fat "when I grow up" 😅 (I think I assumed everyone just got fat when they got older and I couldn't wait lol). When I was in college I saw a youtube video about feedism and everything clicked. I was "just" a feeder for awhile until I realized I'm a total switch and started gaining weight myself. Now I indulge both sides and I love it!

✉️ Can I DM you?

I'm super friendly & I don't bite so feel free to comment on any of my posts or send asks! I don't reply to DMs on here unless I message first or unless you want to feed me/sponsor/donate/buy a clip/etc - I get too many tumblr messages so I have to be very discerning with replies. I have an ~0nlyFans~ where I *do* reply to every message & make spicier/more personalized content (and longer videos, clips, gif sets, etc).

✨ Any specific boundaries?

Do not message me if you're under 18. Do not send me photos of your body parts without asking first. Do not ask to meet/feed me IRL - I'm just an online girly! Do not get mad at me if I don't reply to your DM or ask.

I'm very very open with k!nk talk and there isn't much I won't talk about/fantasize about, and I'm totally ok with you calling me names when you tease me so no need to hold back 🔥

[simplepotatofarmer]

Loyal do you have any headcanons about Admin!Dream? If so, would you share it? 👉👈 (I'm procrastinating an assignment but it's fine)

(not forced of course)

i DO have thoughts about him!

c!dream being the admin is exactly why he wasn't lying about not sleeping to c!techno. his connection to the server meant that he consistently had energy. the more his connection to the server was severed (either through his own distancing or by being locked up for so long), the more exhausted he became. i kinda like to think that's why he thought he'd be fine with just potatoes because the ability to thrive on the energy of the server alone hadn't yet been lost.

on the same note, i've always hc'd that he 'fades' the more his connection is lost and the most noticeable aspect of that is his eye color. vibrant green for when he's more connected and rested, dimming when he's not.

something something about dreamons being bugs in the server. it's been awhile since i've watched those streams but i've always liked that aspect. there's also a thought that (if i remember correctly) that a big moment in severing that connection c!dream has was during the exorcism because wasn't that when dreamXD was first seen? i don't know, this is just me wanting to do something, anything, with the whole dreamon thing.

c!dream being the admin means he has an absolutely vested interest in keeping the server whole and united. it's literally his job and he will do anything to do that job.

but i've never thought being admin means you're some..... all powerful person. he's clearly still just a dude. he's able to be hurt, to be captured, to be tortured. being the admin means the world is connected to you, that you spawned it or you spawned with it. which came first isn't important. you are the steward. the world is you, your duty is to the world. dream's biggest attachment is to the server itself.

[bil-daddy]

hi. Same anon who asked if she could info dump about her love life

So I have a crush on this guy I've known for awhile, we've been friends for our entire life and I'm scared to tell him because it could make things awkward and EVERYONE KNOWS (everyone being our parents and siblings) about my crush on him *hyperventilates*

Hey, love life anon. Thanks for spilling the tea (metaphorical) Let's get started (platonic)

If your (hopefully respective) parents and siblings all already know about your crush on your friend, what makes you think he doesn't already know, too? Either by one or more of them telling him, or by picking up on the same signals they are about your crush.

So, I'm guessing he probably has an idea you like him, but hasn't made a move for one of a few reasons:

He doesn't feel the same but doesn't want to make things awkward and possibly lose the friendship

He does feel the same but doesn't want to risk the friendship in case you guys get together now, then break up in the future

He wants to wait until you're both older, to give the relationship a better chance of working out and lasting, if you're still into each other in a few years and want to give things a go

OR

He's completely oblivious, and feels the same

He's completely oblivious and doesn't feel the same

He's completely oblivious, never considered being more than friends, but now that you mention it, would like to try

Now, this list isn't exhaustive. There could be other reasons. But his reasons aren't the only ones that matter. First, you've got to figure out what you want to do.

Lemme ask you a question. How long have you had a crush on your friend? Is this new? Or have you liked him for years?

If it's new, and you think it might be temporary and pass on it's own, then give it a few months before you act.

But if you've liked him for a while, you should probably do something, just so you can move forward whether or not he likes you back.

Either way, start mentally and emotionally preparing yourself for either option, and the different possibilities they entail.

If you tell your friend you like him and want to try being more than friends, what would that look like if he says he feels the same? Since you're friends, you probably already hang out a lot, so what difference--if any--would there be? If he wants to try dating, the two of you can discuss what that means for you both.

But what if he says he wants to stay just friends? What would that look like? Even if you both try, it would be impossible to carry on as if nothing happened--but that's okay. Since you like him, it's already impossible to carry on forever like that. You're just in a pre-confessional liminal space right now.

If he just wants to be friends, you'll probably both have to take a step back from the friendship. Some friendships return to normal after time off, some don't, and some fall somewhere in between.

Same thing if you date, then break up. Some people can go back to being just friends, some can't, and you never know for sure which kind of people you are until it's you and your ex in that situation.

I'm not telling you this to discourage you from confessing your feelings, but just to prepare you so you can be ready for whatever happens. You can also do a little investigating of your own to prepare yourself, as well.

Your parents and siblings have noticed your crush on your friend. They may have also noticed his crush on you--if he has one.

How do you know they know about your crush? Is it because they said something to you about your crush? Maybe teased you about it? If they ever teased you about your crush, was your friend ever around at the time? What was his reaction?

You could try to find out from your siblings and parents, if they've noticed your friend having a crush on you or not. Mutual friends might also have picked up on something, if there is something to pick up on. There might not be. Or he might be better at hiding crushes.

If you can find out in advance how he feels, or at least gather evidence to form a hypothesis, it might help you decide how you want to proceed. Be it, confessing your feelings* or letting the crush pass.

(*And when I say 'confess your feelings', I don't mean a dramatic oscar worthy speech about how long you've been in in love with him. That's for the movies.

What I mean is: "hey, I think I like you as more than a friend, and I want to explore that with you if you're interested" --in your own words, of course, not like a 'healthy relationship communication textbook.)

Anyway, good luck (platonic). Hope it works out for you.

No. I said that wrong. Whatever happens, it will work out for you. One way or another. Sooner or later. Eventually, it will work out for you, whether or not you and your friend end dating.

Have a New Years ox rib (platonic)

[variousqueerthings]

im so interested in how you'll tackle jodie's era -- it's been so interesting to see you go through nu who and in such an organized way!! i really enjoy seeing how you talk about each episode and pick the various elements apart && it even made me want to go back and rewatch the tail end of moffat w/ bill & clara with capaldi, even though i'm not generally a fan of his!

heya, thank you! it's nice to know a few people were reading them (I deliberately didn't tag them doctor who, because I didn't want to clog up the main tag, and I didn't want to ruin anyone's good time if they weren't interested in a big complain)

I'm just finishing up a comprehensive excel sheet that I was doing simultaneously with this watch, in which I documented all the ratings I gave each episode, measured average rating per season, and which points tended to do better or worse as a whole throughout the years, and then also gave short points on the pros and cons of each episode with "recommended" ratings.

point being when it's all put together like that, I can see there are some really good episodes throughout this era, and -- despite how much I rag on m*ffat for writing narrative that comes from nowhere (and he does that all the fucking time) -- a comprehensive thematic thread from beginning to end, although in my opinion some of it comes from fandom reading into things (as is a good pastime) more than the actual text of the show

in general I noticed that capaldi-era skewed higher in the ratings (especially s9 and 10), because... well I still wonder if part of it wasn't capaldi's influence on the writing, but whomst knows. I have yet to finish the final episode rating which all of us who know it know is a return to some unfortunate as fuck writing choices, and listen, I was almost, almost wishing m*ffat could have had a little more time because I wanted Bill to have a little more time, and then this episode came and reminded me why m*ffat should never have more time to write anything, so small upsides

rambling at you now officially, this is short ramble length ah well.

I won't be doing such an organised measuring of whittaker's era, a. because I don't know it so well yet (I've only previously seen s1) and so don't have as much of a sense of its episodic structures, and b. while I know it has some things that are great, the things that aren't so great feel more involved and less easy to put on a rating's system. also c. this actually got quite exhausting after awhile (once the hyperfixation novelty of the idea of rating every episode wore off)

so I think for whittaker will be more informally jumping in and out, similar to some of the classic!who watching I'm doing. can say I very much enjoyed the woman who fell to earth, more than I remembered doing, which I think is because last time I got to whittaker I was post-m*ffat tired of the show

so it's nice to know he hasn't ruined my excitement for it this time around, I've found the Things that are for me in his era by poking and clawing at it!!! but isn't that just the doctor who way. sometimes you check out for a bit but it pulls you back in again (affectionately)!

[desultory-novice]

Been awhile since I had seen your stuff, and I really enjoy what you’ve been coming up with! Glad to see you’re having fun

(Also, how did you start here, so to speak? I would love to be an active creator in the kirblr community, but since I just lurk and rb because I don’t have the energy/confidence to create, I just feel like an unwelcome stalker LOL. Sorry if this is too much!)

Oh, gosh, thank you so much! I'm a little impressed at how things have turned out after barely two years(?) here myself!

I don't know if my methods could ever work for anyone else as they do me, as I attribute a lot of "this" to serendipity but...

...It seems to me I really took off after opening my inbox up to doing detailed ask memes about the characters. Again, this was kind of luck on my part because I spoke very lovingly (albeit truthfully!) about a few mega popular characters, which caused two of their fandom BNFs to kindly reblog my posts, and that sent a bunch more asks for the WHOLE rest of the Kirby cast my way!

I'm sorry to say, it does take a lot of energy though. But I do get the struggle, as I'm often exhausted by life/lots of jobs. However, if you can find any sort of mental "trick" to keep yourself going, you might discover you have more energy than you think inside you!

(Me, I'm very visual, and I keep a collection of my favorite fanart on hand. If I think I've exhausted myself on a character/ran out of ideas of things to talk about, I'll browse through my personal "gallery" and it will help me to remember characters/events/interesting points.)

As to the matter of confidence, you've probably heard the whole "fake it to you make it" bit and to a degree, at least, it's true. I've had a couple of posts where I've flooded the tags with things like "OMG this is so bad and I'm so sorry!" or "I had no time to work on this and it shows~" or "if this sucks it's because life is crushing my soul and I just want to sleep for a thousand years..." annnnnd unfortunately...

...even if it's how you're feeling At The Time, those things can make people feel like they're intruding into your space by liking or reblogging it. It's like, if you're telling us something so personal and private, maybe you really only want to hear from a friend right now, and not a stranger...? What I've done is I've told myself it's okay to write out those low self-esteem thoughts elsewhere but try to let the people who are here for the art/images/videos/writing/discussions just enjoy your art/images/videos/writing/discussions.

If you've got something to get off your chest, don't feel like you have to hold it inside, but don't hold your audience captive either.

(Also, something else fun about this: if you cast out positivity, you may find that it comes back to you, and when you look again at that thing you shared, it was NOT as "awful" as you thought.)

Now, a lot of that was about "external" confidence or what you display. As for internal confidence, that's... kind of a constant struggle. We all -- and by all, I I mean even famous published creators -- have times when we think our work isn't good enough. Annnd...

...Well, it isn't always great. But the fact that something isn't great now (even if it's the absolute best we can do at the time) doesn't mean we have no skill at something! We all have to start somewhere. And sometimes "somewhere" is a piece of art or writing or theory or humorous content that only 1-2 people think is "...Eh, not bad."

My first "hit it big" piece? My "Moon's Haunted" Kirby meme? Ohhh man, I can't STAND to look at now! I redrew it a few months back and if I were to redraw it today, it'd look better still, probably. The key is that I tried (...and that I meme-posted when the game was going viral >.> ) and I think that shone through??

(...It might be silly, but there IS a Nintendo Direct tomorrow. Probably no Kirby news, as I assume Vanpool's closure will bring an end to us getting multiple Kirby titles a year, but if you really want to try and take that ^ path, you can always get up early/stay up late and ready yourself to post commentary on any news!)

That doesn't just go for art, but writing/theories/HC as well. I myself find it a little sad when someone starts on a post and then will just trail off with "...lol I dunno, didn't think about it that hard."

"Don't say that, person on the internet," I cry! Do you realize how much information is at your fingertips right now? You can google for things even if you only know it as "that thing in that one movie about the fruit." You can watch a Youtube video in 5 minutes explaining the mechanics of something you've never seen or ever hope to do before! You can even watch a Youtube playthrough of a Kirby thing you forgot instead of saying "You forgot!" Don't know how to draw cloaks? Pinterest has millions of references! Don't like Pinterest? Just google "cloaks, Pinterest" and click on the images tab and you will never have to log into that accursed site! It just takes WANTING to.

Though sometimes, I think people write that out of embarrassment? Maybe they DID think about it but they don't think anyone would be interested? Or maybe they really didn't think about X or Y but didn't want to feel like they were neglecting anybody and that something is better than nothing. Which it is, but LOVE is even more important!

...And love, especially in a fandom space, can be ~complicated~

Like I mentioned above, I'm LUCKY that my top favorite characters also come close to topping the rest of "the fandom's" list. But as I've said before, I love every character in Kirby. Even the ones-people-want-to-throw-off-a-bridge-into-a-waste-treatment-plant..

And if I'd started off my tumblr as a "The Susie Haltmann Appreciation Blog!" as opposed to my actual "Hey I'm Completely Obsessed About Marx and Magolor and I Think About Them All The Time (...but I also like the Haltmanns from a story perspective for their heartrending tragedy that hits close to home for me...) Blog" I don't know if we'd be having this conversation right now. ^^;

(It doesn't just have to be all about controversy/"discourse" related stuff either. I could have started a "Daily Sillydillo" blog and had to retire it in a month due to low levels of interaction. The concept of fandom favorites might not be very egalitarian, when every character deserves to have their story enjoyed, but sometimes, strong love can make up for the lack of eyes on a thing. Occasionally ^^)

...Anyway, you might not have the energy, at least not all the time, and confidence might be a little low right now too, but you love Kirby, right? You have passion for it? Passion can get you a lot! And also, there's a few methods of interaction that, for personal reasons, I could not choose that have done wonders for everyone else!

For example, I have some old, unhealed trauma about OCs, but there's a whole hu~ge section of Kirblr that loves OCs and, as far as I've seen (??) tries to be really supportive about them?

Lastly, I can guarantee you, you are NOT a stalker and anyone who thinks being a "quiet supportive fan" equates to being a stalker should consider moving away from thinking of themselves and/or others in that negative way. You have stalked nobody! You have only shown an active interest in others! That is a POSITIVE thing!

And on that note, you're definitely not unwelcome either! Especially if you're one of the precious, wonderful people out there who reblog lots! If you want to get your toes wet, why not test the waters and build your confidence in this space by adding some of your thoughts onto your reblogs? You could build a rep/connections that way!

TLDR, sometimes gaining an audience/a space is a magic trick that no one knows the secret to. Other times, it is the result of months and months and months of hard, lonesome persistence.

The best advice I can give you is advice I would give myself:

-Be kind if you can, if you cannot, then be understanding -Demonstrate care about your interests and those of others -Forgive yourself for being at the beginning of your journey

-Enthusiasm, sincerity, and love are warm lights in this world of ours that can, at times, seem so dim and dreary. Light a little lantern for yourself and remember to laugh loud with joy that life is also so amazingly, ridiculously magical and before you know it, others will find their way to your light to add their lantern to yours!

[dragonmuse]

Can we get a list of the stories that Eddy tells about their snake tattoo? You mentioned that the story changes every time and I think Eddy would have some fun ones

(you got it! This isn't a quite ficlet, but its a little more than an asked answered, not sure if it should wind up over on AO3 or not)

A list of stories by the person they first told each one to, one of which is the truth:

Mom (17): None required.

Jack (18): "Ok, so look, snakes are kind of like dicks right? And I get this argument with this girl I'm doing about snake dicks and then it's all I can think about for like two weeks. What if I had a snake dick, right? How cool would that be. Then I just start thinking about snakes. Do snakes have dicks, probably not right? They got something weird going on down there, so I steal this book on snakes and it's got this wild picture and then obviously I got to remember this whole thing so I convinced this retired artist to do it while we're both drunk as skunks. Killer, right?"

Group of Hornigold's Boys (20): "I figure the snake was the one that got Eve to bite the apple. Maybe I'm the tree of knowledge. Go ahead and fucking try to get a piece of me and we'll see what happens."

Izzy (23): "I won a staring contest with a snake once. Then it wound it's way up my arm and I could've kept it as a pet, but what the fuck am I going to do with a snake? But I kept thinking about that, how cool it looked wrapped up around there. What if I let it live on me forever? Kind of like a protective thing. Armor."

Handful of Enthralled Bar Patrons (27): "So I take the machine out of this guy's hands and I tell him, 'I've got it, I'll do it' and I finished the tattoo myself. He's yelling at me the whole time that it's against health and safety, but he's still on the ground, high as giraffe pussy and I can still hear the other guy trying to break down the door. I get it done with seconds to spare, run out of there still bleeding and it's not until the next morning I even knew what I'd put on myself."

Scared Client (33): "Keep your eyes on me, there you go. Yeah, okay the blood is a lot, noses do that....you know what, follow the scales here, see? Count them. There you go. I do that too sometimes. Half the reason I got the damn thing. You just count those scales, let your eyes go around and around, until there's no room for anything else. We'll get out of here just fine. I've got you. Go on counting. Hey, cover your ears for me...yeah 31, 32, 33-" BANG

One-Night Stand (37): "Sometimes a snake is just a snake, but this one, as it happens, is to symbolizes my commitment to being a fucking asshole. The door is that way."

Izzy again (41): "Sometimes I think it just grew there on all it's own. Wouldn't that be a thing? You just wake up in the morning, inked and ready to hit the road. Maybe I've got a snake's soul and it bled right out of me one morning. No? Okay, fuck. Well what do you think we'll work? ---- Fuck, that's so boring though. ----- Yeah, yeah, fine, I'll say the Eden thing, you're right, ex-nun she'll go for it.---- I think the random appearance thing is more mysterious though---yeah I know the fucking point of the job, but it'd be funny as hell is my point."

Stede (45): "It's not a fun one. I-fuck, okay. I didn't know what the hell to do with myself right after Mom died. She'd been friendly with this guy that owned that tattoo place near us and I ran some errands for him for awhile. He didn't know how bad I had it or if he did, he much care. Just give me cash to do fetch and carry. One week he couldn't even do that, so he offered to pay me in service. I was starving, exhausted....but I wanted that to. My mom liked snakes. So. That was it. Found out from one of the other dudes that worked there that he'd had more than enough to pay me, just cheaped out on me for shits and giggles. I stole half the cash he had on hand and one of the machines. So. Like I said nothing fun. ---- I know it doesn't have to be but----oh, yeah okay, that feels good, thanks, love."

Alma and Charlie (47): "Don't get drunk and wander into tattoo parlors. Understood? Good, who wants ice cream?"

[queerstake]

I'm sorry for sending this, but I'm. In kind of a weird spot. I don't really have many other places i can turn. I figured out several years ago that i am aro/ace, and for awhile I just thought that was okay. Still okay with church. Just more open than others might be to the queer community. But it's gotten so hard as I've come to fully understand myself. That I'm non-binary. That I am pan for tertiary/alterous attraction. And now I've got a genderfluid datemate. I love them with all my heart. They aren't part of the church. I didn't tell them that I was raised LDS until after we started dating, but they realized a long while ago. They've been supportive and understanding of my position through everything.

But I have a hard time with a lot of the culture that has developed around the church, and I find I don't want to go anymore. Maybe it would be easier if I knew more queer members, but I don't. Any friends i have learned are queer have left.

My family isn't friendly to the queer community, which hurts like hell, because I want to tell them about my partner. My family means so much to me. I want them to be okay with the fact that I still believe in God and Jesus, but I just don't want to be "active".

Even being a "good active member" is mentally exhausting for me. It puts so much mental and social strain on me. Social stuff is extremely mentally exhausting for me. Doesn't help that my dad is emotionally abusive. I know it isn't like this for everyone, but I'm just so tired.

I don't have a lot of people in my life that really understand where I'm at, I'm so sorry for dumping this here. You can delete it. Thank you for what you do, hope you're safe and well.

Hi anon. Your message is about a year old as I'm answering it now, and I'm sorry for making you wait so long. I had some work to do myself before I could dedicate myself to this blog fully, and now that I'm here and ready, I want to start tackling the inbox.

Given that it's been so long, I'm sure your life has changed since you sent this message. I hope you're doing better.

Your message sounds very familiar, actually. I'm also an aroace and trans member. By the time covid came around and church meetings stopped for a period of time, I myself was worn out from struggling to keep up. I think you and me felt much the same. I used the excuse of covid to take a brief church break to figure out how I was going to make being a queer mormon work. I felt awful for having to take time off, but in the end, it really was the right choice for me. I was able to work on myself and my relationship to the church while setting aside some of the pressure I had put myself under for so long and now that I've built myself up stronger, I'm able to come back and foster a healthier relationship to the church.

I'm so glad you have a good relationship with your datemate to help you during this time! Being a queer mormon is really hard. We have to make concessions and reckon with our faith the way many straight mormons don't have to. It IS exhausting. I imagine god has put your datemate in your life in order to help give you the support you need right now.

If you or anyone else needs permission, please DO take a break. God doesn't want you to suffer, and you can't foster a good relationship with him if you're suffocating. Taking a break or not being active is not a bad thing. In fact, it was a REALLY good thing for me and really helped me come back to church even stronger than before.

I'm sorry to hear you were and are going through so much anon, and I hope some of the things I've said at least have helped you feel not alone. If you are able to take a break from church right now, I encourage you to do it! Heal and wrestle with god on your own time. You don't owe anyone anything, and god will be there with you no matter where you go. If you are unable to take a break for some other reason, know you're not alone. We understand you, we've been through the things you're going through, you're welcome to reach out any time you need support. Being a queer mormon is so hard and can be so lonely. Your queer siblings and your heavenly father are here for you.

[softlittleheartsandsparkles]

what do you mean by wait time? I thought you were canadian? Don't you guys have free healthcare?

So, unfortunately in canada, Free healthcare doesn't mean "timely" health care, or getting whatever care whenever you want it. Its sadly not like poppin' in for a hair cut, or showing up for dental work. (dental is private still. I'm fairly sure. ) Like health care in canada is very very VERY backed up. It was like that prior to covid but it covid defs I feel like exhausted existing gaps. Like in BC - because I lived there for awhile, and I feel comfortable speaking about BC. there's areas were people don't have access to GPS/family drs and no walkins. (Or didn't in 2022) Like Canada also has health care deserts. Interior of BC is like that. (Outside of the vancouver/greater vancouver area. Anything outside of there, its very spotty depending on areas.) Which means too people sadly have to go to hospitals. (And this sucks because people need prescriptions.) Like it wasn't uncommon to see questioned posed on fb groups aimed for the city I lived in for 9ish months. About does that city have a walk-in/gp/family dr. And are waitlists being taken, etc. I heard this question even at a pharmacy, a lady came in with her small child, who had what she believed is a ear infection& wanted drops. She was told they can't give drops, she needs a prescription. So she asked are there clinics in the area? She was told there's no clinics local - and she'd have to take her wee one to the hospital. This is the same message fb groups would have. No clinicals locally, hospital. I couldn't even get breast imaging done in that town. you can't self referral. You need a gp/family dr/ walk in to give you the paperwork/do referral. ^^;' Which is one of the things I had to wait for. Until I moved again, to Alberta. & in alberta, my GP isn't close to me. He's almost 2 hours away. But he was also the only one accepting patients when we moved. And this is closer than my previously dr in bc. I do see some work towards offering more options that are in person. (everyone constantly pushes people to telus and there telehealth. Telus is a phone/internet/cable company. For americans this would be like AT&T getting into the health market.) I've noticed pharmacys now can write scripts for mild health issues, or for things like diabetes. (YAY) I do see some family drs opening up now, collecting lists of patients, and some walkins. (also some walkins are ran by pharmacists, so they are again for "mild" causes. Like probably could go in with a rash from your squashes and be like 'this itchy, i touched squash leafs' pharmacist be like 'new to gardening huh? alright well uh. here." - Squash leafs can cause rashes. just so folks know lol. ) But yeah. I also don't think this is all of canada. I can only speak about what I see locally. But health care in canada is extremely backed up, and depending on service and severity medical professionals believe you are, (I.e. they believe your moderate/mild vs severe) you could be waiting. I've been waiting on my referral since March this year. Even with the rectum bleeding i'm still counted as "mild/moderate". & I won't be able to "see" my specialist until late sept. (And what I mean by "see" I mean, we have a phone call aptoment scheduled... from there hopefully I get referral for colonoscopy, and for follow up that can be in person. but I honestly don't know.)

[deadlittledogs]

if this is too personal ya dont gotta answer but what made you realize you weren't transmasc/trans?

OH WELL I MEAN.... it's kinda complicated? In the sense that I'd have to explain all the little pebbles that lead up to road of me identifying that way in the first place. Simply, I think apart of it had to do with the act of deconstructing all those years, my internal thought process and also my personal perception of gender and sex.

(THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG ACTUALLY I LIED)

I was very confident I was trans when I first 'came out'. It seemed like such a simple answer. Puberty hit me suddenly, it seemed, and I could not cope with having the mind of a child but the body of a woman. It felt like overnight I had been haphazardly stuffed into the skin of a porn star. I didn't like that when people looked at me it was my sex they saw first, above anything else, and not my personality. Not my humor, not my hobbies, not who I was on the inside. I felt trapped, suffocated by my own breast, my hips, the curves that were constantly prevalent through the fabric of my clothing. It disgusted me. It scared me. It felt as though everything had changed and now I had this role to fill. I've always been a bit of a tomboy so being traditionally feminine made me feel out place. Like I was wrong, pretending to be something I wasn't. I hated skirts, hated dresses, despised wearing makeup because I felt it exasperated these feelings of-

"You aren't right, you aren't one of them, you're different; a farce, an imitation."

Then I got more involved on the queer side of the internet and with these feelings that had arose, combined with the gender dysphoria I had felt in the past as a younger child (caused by trauma and general tomboyness) I was like. Oh. I must be a dude. It makes perfect sense. That's why I don't feel like a 'woman', that's why I hate my tits and my hips, that's why I'm so bad at being a girl.

It went this way for a while, I flipped flopped for a couple years and also went SUPER HARDCORE BIMBO MALLSLUT when I was around 17-18 'cuz I was really desperate to be a normal girl (aka dressing really slutty and sending nudes for money and then getting confused when I got horribly horribly fucked up over it cuz isn't this supposed to be empowering? What about the slut walks? This is my choice, isn't it? So why do I feel like killing myself?)

I WENT AWHILE BEING TRANS THOUGH, EVEN THE TIMES I WOULDN'T ADMIT IT OUT LOUD I SAW MYSELF THAT WAY....

I hated being 'misgendered' and being called a girl in general. I knew that when they saw me as a female, despite my best efforts, that I had failed to obscure myself properly and was a walking monstrosity. Instead of seeing someone who was normal, I knew that they saw a disgusting, man-ish, and ultimately failing woman instead. It completely repulsed me and I'd get shivers of delight when someone would mistake me as a boy, because that meant that the inherent sexualization of my body had been successfully hidden. I had been a 'person' and seen as someone 'normal' and not just a mound of tits and hips jiggling around.

There were times where I would get hyper focused on appearing as masculine as possible (other times where I simply wouldn't care), and I'd make a great effort at micro-managing every little thing about me. Hiding my small hands, being extremely critical of the way I walked, the lingo I used, the way that I sat. It'd make me feel dizzy sometimes, this obsession with trying to being something that ultimately I did not understand. Being male did not come naturally to me, it was something that I had to try to whip into every fiber of my being to feel a semblance of validity. But yet often, I did not recognize myself. Looking into the mirror often brought feelings of drifting and derealization. The critiques my mind constantly supplied would keep me up at night and it felt like a battle I was constantly losing.

I was so exhausted and tired from these years of fear and hating myself, being too afraid to touch anything feminine because I was convinced I couldn't do it right. I asked myself, what is gender? What is sex?

Is it normal for a woman with trauma to hate her body so deeply? To feel fake? Could I just be a woman, as I was, and not need to change a thing?

What is a woman? Is a woman just a 'feeling?' you're supposed to have? Is a woman makeup and high heels and shiny things? Is a woman being naturally empathetic and maternal? Or it simply a state of being? A body you were born into?

I had often wished to be born as a man but it was the realization that no, if I had been born into a male body and raised that way I wouldn't be myself at all. It wouldn't be like just like plopping my brain into a different body. The person I am now, my experiences and my personality wouldn't even be remotely the same. I am who I am because I was born female. It made me appreciate myself for the first time, in a unique way.

I found that I would try to embrace my fears and be an 'ugly' woman and that I was tired of obsessing over my gender and how I was perceived by the eyes of others. I started reading more stuff from angry feminist, watching movies with female leads (that winter Ginger Snaps and Jennifers Body played on repeat, yo) and listening to detransitioners.

And slowly, I found, I loved being a woman. Women have something men don't and that's something I've just observed- and I am very observant. I have a need to understand people and their behaviors, I watch those around me closer than most and I spend a lot of time in my own head either psycho-analyzing myself or those around me.

Men are just different, man. I don't think I realized this as much when I was younger lmao. They aren't the way they are in shows or movies or cartoons; there is no real Eddie Munson, ya know? HE DOESN'T EXIST.... The only times I watch a movie or something and I'm like "Okay, yeah that guy probably actually exist somewhere," is when there's like, a pissed off dad or something.

THEY JUST WORK ON A DIFFERENT FREQUENCY, MAN and I was like, no, actually, I don't want to be apart of.... whatever this is...

EVEN WHEN I WAS TRANS I ONLY HUNG OUT WITH CHICKS AND WIMPY DUDES..... any time I hung out with like, normal guys, it became very apparent that we were on two different levels, ya know?

But you know what's fun....? Just cuz I'm a chick doesn't mean I don't do the crap I used to. Like, fuck, man, I still love pretending I'm a dude sometimes... ITS FUN.... I would totally dyke out with a chick if she wanted to look like a couple of twinks with me. Like yeah man I'll be your boywife, I'll absolutely get into some yaoi boy shit with you idgaf.

I be wearing cargo shorts and an oversized hoodie and dirty sneakers and just looking like an absolute lesbo AND IT DOESNT MEAN SHIT........ I could grow out my mustache, chop off all my hair, wear nothin' but the mens section at H&M but literally that has nothing do with my gender. Why should it? To me being a woman just means that I'm female, doesn't have anything to do with my interest or personality or sparkle feelings or whatever (although, I do be shopping). AND CLEARLY I MEAN I COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON there's so many things I could ramble on about and honest to god as long as this might be this is probably the most condensed version I could possibly muster (Don't even get me started on the long lasting effects of early childhood sexual trauma and early exposure to porn, how I was more comfortable with the idea of being with a man when I was trans or how the 'queer' internet just poured gasoline on my burning teenage mind) BUT UGHhHh......... I don't know....... I feel like despite my best efforts with my wording I'll still get a pissed off little gamer in my inbox so I'm gonna go cook a turkey burger before I regret speaking at all lmao

BUT YEAH...You guys can ask questions if you want more insight though! I'm pretty open about most things if I feel like you're not asking purely just to put a bee in my bonnet. You can also DM me if you want to get deeper about it but idk.... IDK.... Just some pennies for thoughts.....