#this month has been the strongest for me creatively and i’m so proud of myself for being consistent

[brwnsugcr]

good morning i’m reading your comments and smiling like an idiot at work

[maxismatchccworld]

Hey you lovely Simmers! It is time for our new Spotlight of the Month. Please give a warm welcome to Sara aka @catsaar​ 😊 Sara quickly became one of my favorites when looking for unique builds. I would not be able to pick a top 5 because they all amazing but thankfully Sara is showing you a few below!

Hello my fellow simmers,

allow me to introduce myself. I’m Sara aka CatSaar and I’m (mostly) a builder for The Sims 4. I started playing the Sims 1 as a teen and it quickly became my favorite game back then. But some years later I stopped gaming all together, life just got too busy and it fell off my radar. Until 3 years ago, while I was at a low point in life and just clicking through YouTube I stumbled on a speed build. I don’t remember by who, but I was sold. That same day I got The Sims 4 and not much after I got all the available packs. And so my sims journey began again. In the beginning my houses were just boxes with a roof slapped on. Looking back at them now, I just have to laugh at how bad they were. Which I realized once I discovered the community and how many talented builders there are. Seeing the possibilities through what others created, I was determent to get better. I watched A LOT of speed builds and then I found the Holy Grail of creativity, Simblr. The first builds I shared on the gallery were unfurnished modern houses that I recreated from real life buildings. I leave them on there, even though I don’t like them anymore, as a reminder of how far I have come. Always remember that any skill takes time to learn. Even to this day I still make progress in building, which is part of the fun!

The friends I made on the Gallery were the ones who pushed me into getting a Simblr and I’m thankful for that cus it has been a fun ride. Sharing my builds and getting excited reactions to them brings me so much joy. It’s really the cherry on top of the cake that is building.

So let me show you some of my finest moments in building and why I am getting featured here. (Thank you so much for the opportunity Kerstin!!)

The first build I posted on Simblr was my Cherry Blossom Town. A 64x64 Japanese town. I’m still proud of it. It was my best build at the time and it took me a full week of non stop building to complete. It’s been 2 years since I made it and even tho I got better at detailing, it will always have a place in my heart.

Honestly cottages are just adorable so I had to share at least one that I made. There’s just something about this style that makes my heart all fuzzy and warm. This one is simply called Rustic Cottage, as my creativity does not extend to naming my builds. Landscaping is such an important part of these kind of houses and who doesn’t love a bunch of ivy?

But let’s move on to some more recent once. Another town, as I looove to make those even if they take me forever, Vista Silegra. This one got picked up by The Sims 4 France and EA Benelux on Twitter and got me gold on Reddit. (shout out to my reddit peepz) The recognition for this build still baffles my mind to this day. It was inspired by a picture of a small Italian side street I saw on Pinterest and thus a whole town was born.

I swear I also do houses, I just have a soft spot for neighborhoods and towns. This Tokyo Suburb is my most recent one as I’m writing this. I think you can definitely see the progress I made in detailing my builds compared to the Cherry Blossom Town. I love making it realistic,there’s always a thought process in my cluttering. It has to make sense to me, like it’s real life.

There’s a lot of builds I would love to show you, but hopefully you’ll just check out my Tumblr. To close off this showcase, I chose my version of the Foxbury Commons. It was the number 1 build for my blog last year and I know it got a lot of my followers really excited. (I see y'all) Modern isn’t my strongest and I revisited this one a lot before I was finally happy with it. Perfectionist much?

If you made it this far, I thank you for reading my journey. Come say hi over on my blog and if you use one of my builds don’t be scared to tag me. I love to see how you use them. If you’re an aspiring builder, don’t be too hard on yourself, remember it takes practice and time. You have every right to be proud of your creations! Love you, you talented Simblr community and I wish you a wonderful day!

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with @mobi-on-a-mission (she/her)

what are you working on right now? I'm in between fics right now after posting The Cockroach recently for Chopped! I'll likely start something new soon (I'm thinking of a canonverse forbidden lovers fic?), but we'll see where the muse takes me! When I'm not busy writing fic or being a human disaster I like to beta read. I beta read several fics for the Bellarke Big Bang, and I'm really excited to read them in their final form once that comes out! Beta reading may not be the first thing people think of with writing, but it's really elevated my experience with fanfic. It's a great way to let out my inner critic, participate in the writing process from a different angle, and read new fics before anyone else (hehe!) while helping out other writers. Going beyond 'this doesn't work' to 'this particular aspect isn't coming through right and here are some ideas on how to fix it' is the crucial step and has really made me a better writer!

I'm also excited to be accepting prompts for Bellarke Writers for Black Lives Matter. Send me a prompt and a donation to an organization of your choice which supports the BLM movement, and I'll write you a fanfic!

what’s something you’d like to write one day? I usually write whatever I want to write! One thing I've never tried though is an ot3. I enjoy them but at this point I don't think I could do that sort of relationship justice.

what is the fanwork you’re most proud of? Honestly I'm proud of all my fics. Each one carries its own challenges and rewards, so I never get in a rut! The work I'm most proud of, though, has got to be Revive. It's a canon compliant through s6 Memori pregnancy multichap that I wrote during hiatus. It's by far the longest fic I've ever written, and I wrote it at a time when I was still very uncomfortable writing fic. I must have had my eyes closed half the time I was drafting it, I was so nervous! But I finished it and posted it and from there on writing was just that much easier. I haven't looked back since.

why did you first start writing fic? I wrote my first "fic" in 2014, when I was 14 years old. Then I came back a year later with a really short oneshot. Both of those were for Supernatural, and they're still on my ao3. I was extremely nervous about writing, especially with the fear that my family would find out what I was doing. That fear kept me from writing for years and years, pining to write something. That is, until last July. I'd had enough. So I sat myself down and made myself write, every dad for three days until The Best Back Rubs (my first fic for The 100) was written. Again after that fic I had trouble writing. Four months later though I started writing Revive and like I said earlier, I just kept writing after that!

what frustrates you most about fic writing? The most frustrating thing about fic writing is lukewarm reception. As much as I hate to admit it, validation is important to me and I like to feel like people are enjoying what I write. When I spend a lot of time on a fic and get excited about posting it, a part of me is expecting a whole bunch of comments and kudos and hits. Sometimes that doesn't happen though! Usually that doesn't happen. I have to remind myself that those responses are not reflective of my value as a writer. My friends are a huge help with this!

what are your top five songs right now?

Sweet - Cigarrettes After Sex Foreigner's God - Hozier One More Hour - Anthony Ramos Combustible - Cœur de Pirate Undrunk - FLETCHER

what are your inspirations? My inspiration is a little bit different for every fic I write. I tend toward canonverse, so I pull from interesting aspects of canon and then let my imagination run wild with *what if*s. My own life inspires my writing as well. This helps me to add in little details to make the story feel more real. I've been inspired by writing prompts and movies and songs and other fics and snow falling outside my window!

The one thing that's constant is other writers. I learn so much from reading, beta reading, and of course talking to my friends! They help to give me ideas as well as motivation to keep going. Writing can be a lonely pursuit, but it doesn't have to be. There's only so much going on in my brain—connecting with others is what brings things to the next level.

what first attracted you to Memori? what attracts you now? From the first time they locked eyes, I shipped it a little! But in the beginning, I wasn't that invested in Memori. I kind of took them for granted until s5. But more on that later. What first attracted me to Memori was how non-traditional they are in that they're not standard cut good guys yet they were allowed to meet and fall in love. Add on top of that how they make each other better in a nuanced and imperfect way, and I'm hooked! I also really liked how they didn't beat around the bush with getting together. In a world where slowburn is seen as peak romance, it was refreshing to see a couple that was just like 'you? I like you' and then they got together and eventually became what is (in my possibly biased eyes) the strongest couple on the show at this point. Getting into s5, that's when I really became invested in the ship. It hurt to see their relationship problems like that, but it allowed them to grow from it in a beautiful way. Through it all, they have so much love for each other. They're imperfect people and they make mistakes, but at the end of the day they learn from it and become better as a couple than they are alone. Their devotion to each other really is something else!

Besides Memori, what character or pairing do you like best on t100? Funny story: I actually decided to start watching The 100 after reading Bellarke smut on ao3! It was a non-traditional introduction to the story, but something must have clicked with me and I was a Bellarke shipper from the start (even though I frankly detested Bellamy in the beginning). I still ship them, even though Memori has taken my heart! Oh yeah and I got to give a shoutout to Niytavia as well because apparently canon isn't going to feed us with content for them.

why did you decide to start writing for bellarkefic-for-blm? It's pretty simple, really: Black lives matter should not be a controversial statement, and this is one of the ways I can help make our world a little less sucky for Black people.

what’s your writing process like (esp for prompts, chopped!, etc)? Every fic I write begins with a hodge podge of ideas. Sometimes I scribble them in a notebook and sometimes I use the computer, but it's always a creative mess! Recently I've been using Notion, a free editor which has a great desktop app. A writer friend turned me on to it and now I use it for writing as well as other life stuff too! It's easy to drag and reorganize ideas, so it really helps take a brainstorm mess to a working outline. Once an idea starts taking form I organize my ideas into related pieces and some end up getting thrown out. I craft "scenes" out of this and soon it becomes clear what pieces I'm missing. I fill in those pieces, throw out or rework stuff that doesn't work together, and pretty soon I have an outline.

I absolutely love getting prompts! I haven't gotten one through Bellarke Writers for Black Lives Matter (yet!), but I've written in a few rounds of Chopped. Most recently wrote for Chopped 3.0 Round 2 and won 1st place for best overall with my Memori fic The Cockroach. The biggest difference that comes when writing from a prompt like that is I need to make sure the fic not only fits the prompt but breathes life into it!

what are some things you’d like to recommend? Remember how I mentioned I beta read? Yeah. Right now my friend Kara, aka @queenemori, is writing a slowburn Memori actors au called We Don't Need To Say It. It's out of this world amazing and I am so hype to be a part of the process. The first chapters are up on ao3 and I cannot recommend it enough. ed’s note: this fic just updated!

For writers who are looking for a push, I highly recommend participating in Chopped. Fandom events are fun, the prompts make you get creative, and writing deadlines inspire you to actually get them finished and out there!

I know some of you need to hear this: drink some water! It's good for you and it's yummy yummy in your tummy!

The best place to find @mobi-on-a-mission is right here on Tumblr. Her AO3 is here. Request a fic written by her via @bellarkefic-for-blm.

[nightwideeyes]

2020 review

do we really wanna do this? I’m not sure but god knows I need it.

shout out to 2016 me for starting this. I’ll compare it afterwards and see how many steps I’ve taken back

okay okay all jokes aside

all the bad shit that happened, all my thoughts, all my feelings

this is 2020 in retrospect, so buckle up and join me on the ride

see, I was pretty hopeful for this year because I spent half of 2019 in a toxic relationship which I deeply and passionately regret with all my heart because it took a toll on my mental health. The rest of 2019 I spent recovering from self hate and anxiety

so I went into 2020 with a fresh start fever thinking this is the year that will change things

but the anxiety didn’t really leave. throughout january i was rather okay, euphoric about the new year. at the end of february my anxiety got worse and i was overthinking a lot, started being tense a lot etc etc

then march the absolute avalanche introduced herself. miss rona. i don’t want to whine about how shit the pandemic is, how terrible it hit us all because it certainly hit people a lot harder than me but still, it’s not nice, its annoying and frustrating and can mess with someones head enough

so during march and april my anxiety was on peak levels. i was constantly mad, upset or nervous and had to spent my time in homeschool, having no distraction whatsoever

i spent a lot of time outside in the forest and discovered new magical places where I could find some peace and thats where I’ve been hiding away during may, becoming part of nature, finding back to my old self somehow

on my birthday the 11th I was feeling well, I was content and happy and thought shit would be alright again

but the day after I came home from school and received the message that my fathers cancer was back after 10 years. although I’ve pretended like it wasn’t all hopeless and things would be alright again I think it hit me the hardest this year. it’s been the starting point of me confronting myself once again with the thought of him dying, of leaving us behind, of me having all the responsibility of what he would leave us. of going through the struggle again, of going to hospitals again, of seeing him vanish again. it was devastating.

in may I attended an assessment center for a job I wanted to do with all my heart and felt so confident and strong that I could do it

but in june I received a letter of rejection and had to write myself in for another year of school because i didn’t really have an alternative

meanwhile my dads treatment got rescheduled again and again until june and he had his operation on the day I wrote my second final

so unknowingly and unnoticeably i was put under so much pressure of one unfortunate event following the next and it felt like I was just supposed to function when I didn’t want to function anymore

but these times ended and I wrote my fucking finals, passed them, celebrated a bit and my father recovered too, like we all had hoped anyway but didn’t know for sure

so summer had been the best time. although there were still restrictions on public life me and my friends had so much fun together and did amazing things and I think we just grew closer from the creativity of coming with ways to spent time with each other without having to go out much

i was doing a lot of yoga, a lot of mental self care during summer, watching atla, spending time trying to get in touch with my body and soul and I discovered some good music that helped me find myself and develop myself

at this point I would like to thank

5 seconds of summer; for making me realize that deep in my heart I will forever be teenage me stuck in my emo phase and that’s how I feel most comfortable

Upsahl; for reminding me that I’m a bad bitch who doesn’t need anyone or anything to be happy with herself

Yungblud, for reminding me its okay not to be okay and that broken people stand up for themselves and are strong together

and Blackpink, mostly for giving me more reasons to simp for cute girls

in august i was working for two weeks at a factory to earn some money and although I’ve been there before this time it’s just been hard. I felt really stupid and not taken seriously by the staff and I think that’s when I was getting anxious again, feeling very stupid and very unable to do anything right

from the anxiety starting in august it went into september with me. I started a new school year, gave this weird boy a ride to school two times before I scared him off for some reason (maybe because I was giving him badass lesbian vibes as I was playing Use Me by PVRIS in my car constantly) and was quarantined on the second day of school bc of our english teacher

in september my dad was submitted into the hospital a second time and we thought he had gotten worse again but this time it was a result of too much mental pressure. i was stressing into that again, thinking of ways I could help him with his responsibilities and worries.

the rest of september I spent in this weird state of perpetual tension and kind of continued it into october

on the fourth of october I went to Lehesten all by myself and I felt so proud and accomplished and I realized that I don’t need anyone to feel better but myself. so I went on some more field trips in october, enjoying some me time and some peace of mind, getting back into the bands I was listening to as a teen, recalling the times I felt free with myself

in november I was living off post human survival horror and felt so careless yet free of all of my worries, feeling numb but content

so until december there have been pecks of anxiety here and there but I’ve spent the fall months rather well, mentally

now december started well but the anxiety has increased again and now it’s been on moderate levels

but nonetheless I’m getting through day by day and I hope I will reach the state of carelessness again in order to collect my thoughts

so although 2020 has been a year of disappointment, hurt, fear and way too many thoughts and worries I would like to move onto the point of this list which might help me move on further

2020 positivity

a collection of things I've learned, I am grateful for and what I've experienced and done all year which I am proud of

- I've been more open and confident about my sexuality than ever before

- I've been spending so much time outside getting inspired

- I've been creative

- I've been writing the most honest and uplifting poetry ever since I started

- I've self printed and binded a poetry collection of my past and the sorrows that came with it to help overcome it

- I've started drawing again, started yoga and meditation and enhanced my spirituality, I've picked up the guitar again

- I've graduated 12th grade with an average of 1.6

- I've started 13th grade with crippling fear of failing and got used to it after a month and appreciated the challenge

- I've dealt with a big disappointment and learned that when one door closes a new one opens somewhere else

- I've learned what it means to support each other as a family but also when it's time to step back and distance yourself to protect yourself when you can't help anymore

- I've been getting in touch with the most free and careless version of myself

- I've rediscovered my love for old music I used to listen to

- I've learned that I don't need anyone to do what makes me happy

- I've learned to appreciate my friends more than ever for being my light and support

so although this year was full of disappointment and hurt and fear and worries it helped me grow

throughout this year I have been the bravest, strongest, most honest and authentic version of myself

I do not have any hopes for 2021. I just want to continue growing the roots I have dug for myself now. I want to continue blooming into the person I've strived to become all these years

I want to grow and continue blooming. I want to continue becoming the version of myself that makes me feel content about myself. But I also want to know I am valuable and whole at any time.

I want to overcome this anxiety and I want to be free of fear again.

so this is me manifesting it.

I will grow and I will continue blooming. I will continue becoming the version of myself that makes me feel content about myself. I am valuable and whole at any time. And I will overcome this anxiety and I will be free of fear again. I will not be afraid anymore. I will be clear again.

Ich werde keine Angst mehr haben, ich werde wieder klar sein.

[swiftpng]

❥ — happy birthday, selena!

Happy birthday to one of the longest friends I’ve ever had! How do I even begin to sum up over 10 years of friendship in a post? I can’t believe you’re 28, but I’m glad to have known you since you were 16. You are an amazing gem of a person and I count myself extremely lucky to have known you for 10+ years. It all started when we met at a Jonas Brothers concert and since then, you have filled my life up with so much joy and light. The love and kindness you share with others is incomparable. Whether we are half passed out on a couch together after drinking a bottle of wine or chatting thousands of miles apart, you bring a sense of calm and trust like nobody else. You have been my closest ally and biggest confidant longer than anyone else, and you still find a way to be my closest friend year after year. Over the years, you have proved time and time again why you’re the best friend a girl could ask for. You’ve been there through the toughest times. You’ve touched my heart in so many ways. I love how you stand up for yourself and the people you love. Thank you for being supportive, encouraging, loving, and loyal. You’re just as beautiful on the inside as you are out. You are one of the most positive influences in my life and always build me up when I’m broken down, and I wouldn’t know what to do without you. No one could ever understand the bond we share, we’re opposite yet similar souls. You are one of the very few people I can truly feel like I can be myself with. You mean so much to me, Selena. And if we’re being honest, you’re one of the most creative people I know. I’m honestly flattered that you value my opinion whenever you show me new music you’re working on. Thank you so much for sharing your genius. I could seriously go on and on here because you’re one of my favorite humans ever. I wish for you to have nothing but success, happiness, and fulfillment. You deserve it all, I love you. I don’t know how I would do life without you. I’m so happy I’ve gotten to grow up with you over the years. Here’s to never growing up, millions of memories, endless laughter, and many more birthdays to celebrate! 🎉🎈🎁

Selena, you’re a trusted friend for life, an amazing companion, and someone I know who will be there for me no matter what. Life is exponentially better when you have someone by your side who is down for whatever adventures life throws at you. I’m grateful that the majority of my memories of the last 10 years include you. To show my love for you on your special day, I got you a few gifts. Firstly, I got you a perfume that reminded me of you. It’s Tom Ford’s Fabulous Eau de Parfum, and just like you, it’s fucking fabulous. The next gift I got you is a card game where you can get to know your friends on an even more deeper level. We're Not Really Strangers is where you can just build a more meaningful connection with those you’re playing with, and I thought it was perfect for you. I really love listening to your stories because you have such a knack for storytelling which, duh, of course you do, you’re an actress so you know how to tell a story, but also you are just fun and exciting to talk to. You’re going to laugh at this next one, but you’re genuinely the only person who loves pickles more than anything else. To help aide in your love for pickles, I got you a monthly subscription box of pickles where you get new pickles each month and you get to try them out. For the next gift, it’s more as a future housewarming gift since it’s a picture of us. I can’t remember when we took it, but I know it was when you hung out at my house and we just chatted for hours while watching the ocean. To me, you are the human incarnation of a hug. Everything about you is so warm and wholesome. I’m so lucky to know you -- you are such a valuable and incredible friend. You have a huge heart and you’re always looking out for other people, which I’m always thankful for. It’s why I got you flowers that mean strength. From going through shitty relationships to almost losing your life, you are one of the strongest women I know. And you take it all in stride. I’ve never met someone who has been through so much yet still has so much love and optimism in their hearts. You’re truly just one of a kind. Along with that, I got you a T-shirt that says “Women in Power”. I know you're someone who loves to uplift voices that need to be heard, especially those who are women. I also know that you’re a woman who is also a badass business woman, one who is creating her own makeup line and has amazing brand deals. You work your ass off, and you’re so deserving of all the success that has come your way. I’m so beyond proud of you, I know both my parents and brother are so, so proud and happy for you, and I’m so proud to be able to watch you grow into the person you are today. You know things about me that no one else does and I know things that no one else knows about you, and we have such a super special friendship. So last but not least, I got you a necklace that is your birthstone. I read online that Ruby was July’s birthstone, and I thought it was perfect. Throughout times, the ruby has represented nobility, purity, and passion. You’re honestly a rare gem, and I will do my best to treasure you the way you deserve and the way you should be. This got way too long, but I hope this birthday is a wonderful one and the upcoming year is filled with amazing things for you. May it be full of joy and cake. When we both have the time, I would love to take you out to dinner and just have a proper catch up. So since we can’t be together right now, I'm sending you a big hug. Thank you for such a beautiful and wonderful friendship. Thank you for sharing some of your life with me. You are truly a light and breath of fresh air in my life, and I’m forever grateful for that. Please keep doing you and please keep enjoying yourself and gifting us with your talent. Thank you so much for all that you do and I wish you the happiest of birthdays. I love you, Selena. ✨💖 // @sxgomez

-- Taylor. 

[spacereadinglesbian]

35 reasons why I love you

Summary: TJ hasn’t really seemed like himself for about three days. Cyrus tries everything to wrap his mind around it but he can’t. So he decides to write a list on why he is son important to him. (This is a spin off of 45 reasons by Theo @you-get-to-exhale-now-Cyrus, please check her fic our! )

Word count: 1882

1. You’re kind


The first real interaction we ever had together, you were nothing but kind to me. You took time out of your day to talk to some nerd who was all sweaty on a swing set, for what? For a split second I thought you were there to make fun of me, to laugh at how I look but you surprised me. You sat down and talked to me, and that’s the day I realized you were kind. It’s been over 4 years and you haven’t stop showing me kindness. It’s not even just me you show kindness to now, you’ve expanded and now your kindness radiates off of you like the sun on the lake during summer. You’re the kindest person I know.

2. You ask about my day
No matter how shitty your day is, you make sure that you ask about my day. At first I thought it was a courtesy thing, but you actually listen to my answer. You listen to every word I say, and hang onto them like a needle on a thread.

3. You have a special smile reserved for me
You’re smile is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and if I can make you smile for the rest of your life, I promise I will. 


4. You’re intelligent
God, you’re so intelligent. You can state history facts off the tip of your tongue, and you have a quote from literature for almost any situation. Even in math your excelling, you took the hardship and got help, even when you didn’t want to. You’re doing amazing now Teej, and I couldn’t be more proud.

5. You’re sympathetic 
You care. You care more than any person I’ve met. That day when I came home because my dog died, you were there holding me and reminding me that I was going to be okay. When Andi and Amber had their first fight, you comforted Amber then were at Andi Shack in a matter of 10 minutes. And Buffy. When Buffy has a problem with Marty she doesn’t ask me, she asks you, that’s a huge step, especially for her. And when Jonah has panic attacks, he talks to you. You’re the first person he goes to, he says he does it because you’re the best listener, I agree. 


6. You don’t put hair gel in you hair when it’s just us


7. You’re incredible with kids 
Whenever I go to bring you lunch at work you have at least two children clinging to your leg. They say that Mr.TJ is the best gym instructor they’ve ever had. 


8. You’re strong
When your parents went through that divorce you were the glue that held the family together while you were also falling apart. You kept it together in front of your mom, your little brother, and Amber. You said they needed at least one man that wouldn’t screw them over. You were only 15 at the time but wanted to make sure everyone was taken care of. You’re the strongest person I know.

9. You’re a great story teller
Damn I could listen to your stories all day, every day. The amount of detail you go into when you’re telling story and the little light in your eyes when you realize somebody actually cares about it is breathtaking.

10. You’re warm 
When I’m cuddling with you I don’t even need a blanket. I think you’re so warm because you have such a warm heart, but that's just my personal opinion.


11. You make the best coffee


12. You can ramble about history for hours

13. Glasses 
When you wake up from a nap and have your hair misplaced and your glasses on you look like the softest little teddy bear. 


14. You care about the environment 
Do you remember the day when we had a beach date? We didn’t even end up swimming, we ended up picking up as much trash as we possibly could on the beach. And after that, your smile was radiating so we went to a different beach and picked that one up too. I also gave up beef for you because your love for the environment is so infectious, and you know how much I loved hamburgers.

15. You respect and love your mom 
I’ve never seen someone have so much respect for their mom. I don’t know if its because you’re a respectful person or because of everything your mom has done for you. From being a single mom to accepting you when you came out. All I know is that you look at her like she holds the world, and you’re not wrong because she held you for 9 months and now you’re my world.


16. You text me to make sure I get home safe 
Nobody has ever taken the time to make sure I get home safe every single time I leave them, it just reminds me how lucky I am to have you.

17. You’re an awful person to watch sad movies with. Yeah I said it. You get so emotional while watching sad movies we always end up changing them, but I don’t mind because I hate thinking about sad things when I’m with you. 


18. You collect socks 
Whenever I have a bad day I look at your socks. You always have something cool on them whether it’s dogs, or basketballs, but my personal favorite are the ones with unicorns.


19. You don’t have one plain pair of sheets 
You say that if you fall asleep on plain sheets your brain doesn’t get enough imagination. Now I know why you’re such a creative person


20. Every time we are out we have to get your dog a new toy 
I swear Bonnie has at least 30 toys all from you. “Cy, we have to go get her a toy! We went out without her she’s going to hate us!” Every time I cave. 


21. You like to capture the moment
At first I hated it that you took so many pictures, I always said “let’s live in the moment.” But you always wanted to take at least one picture. Now I’m lucky that you did that, we have a picture from every movie night to every date.


22. You have soft hands 
I always take your hands in mine because they are so soft, I just can’t help it, plus I love playing with your fingers.


23. Your eyes light up when you talk about something you love
I don’t know if you know this, but you get a sparkle in your eye whenever you talk about something you care about. That’s why I watch history documentaries with you and help you pick up beaches. I never want to see your eyes without sparkle.


24. You don’t half ass shit 
No matter how hard something is, you give it your all. You put everything you have into it, I can’t help but admire that part of you. 


25. You’ve worked for everything you have 
You have worked since you were 14 years old, almost nobody does that. You pay for your phone bill, you’re gas, and your car insurance, and you still beg to pay while we’re on dates. 


26. You volunteer at the elementary school
Every Wednesday you read to a second grade class, I don’t know why you do it, you’ve never told me, but I know it holds a special place in your heart. 


27. You’re an incredible brother
You always help Cooper with his homework when you get home from school. You’re always there to talk to him, you even talk to him about girl troubles even though in your words “I have no experience”. And Amber. Oh my god you’re such an incredible brother to Amber. You’re there for her to talk to or yell at, or use as a punching bag when needed. You even letter put makeup on you when she wants to try something new, you’re the only person I know who lets their sister do that.

28. You’re a good cuddler
That’s it, that’s the whole reason. 


29. You put your friends first 
Ever since we adopted you into our friend group you’ve cared about everyone. If they look down you make sure to text them ask them privately, if they are having a hard family time you offer them to stay at your house. You treat everybody like family, it’s one of the many reasons I love you. 


30. You always offer to pay 
Even though I got a job, you still offer to pay, ALWAYS! We have to rock, paper, scissor, it out every time to decide who gets to pay.

31. You’re a great captain
Ever since 8th grade you’ve respected your teammates and you made sure they get the attention they need. You put your practices first, you’re kind to every single person, you even have game nights once a month at your house.

32. You have a good relationship with my family 
My mom literally treats you like her own son, she always asks why you aren’t at the house and when you’re coming over next. My dad asks when your games are and shows up to every one, he always tells me how great you are basketball. He’s thankful that one day he might have a son that loves sports just as much as he does.

33. God, you have really soft lips 


34. You’re sincere 
I feel like I’ve already said this, but I guess I’ll say it again, you love with your whole heart and nothing less. You care about people, you truly care about people TJ and it shows, you’re just an incredible person.


35. You’re the most important thing in my life 
From the day I met you I knew you were special. I knew you held a special place in my heart and I didn’t know why. Then I got to know you, I really got to know you and I started to understand why my heart felt so full while you were around. It’s because of everything that I’ve listed and more. When I’m not with you, you’re all I think about, and when I’m with you I think about the next time I can see you. I think about your voice, and your eyes. I think about how soft your lips feel on mine. I think about when you giggle and try to hide it by covering your mouth with your hand. God Theodore, i just think about you. I think about what I would do without you, and my mind goes blank because I can’t. I can’t see myself without you by my side. You are the most important thing in my life, and I love you more than you can ever imagine. And all I want for you is to be happy.

Love always,

Cyrus

[valentinaforerocreativeblog]

Major Project - Final Reflective Blog

What happened? - how did it all start?

The beginning of my project was a bit chaotic, to say the least. I started off really rocky but through the semester I was able to create something that I feel very proud of. It started off with not knowing a topic to decide on, I thought of the most random topics, from the Colombian coffee crisis, (which isn’t a crisis anymore) to body image disorders (which is an important issue but not something I wanted to focus on for my major project since it brought back some hard personal memories), all the way to films. I had always loved films since I remember, it was a type of art form which can grab all your attention and make you feel like you're in another world for two hours, it’s almost like magic. Since I got Covid at the beginning of the semester, I found myself laying in bed for several days, which allowed me to catch up on my watchlist of films I have been looking forward to seeing. I found myself captivated with Sofia Coppola films, I just loved the feminine touch of the films and the use of color to portray her characters' emotions. I kept researching her background and color schemes days after I saw her films, and that’s when I knew I wanted to create my whole major project on her films and her grand use of color to portray emotions and femininity.  

What were you thinking and feeling?

To be honest, my last semester was the most difficult time I’ve had in this course, and I can definitely say it was all caused by external issues and not by the brief given. All throughout the course I couldn’t wait for my final year and be able to have full freedom to work on a project of my liking, but unfortunately due to Covid things really weren’t how I thought they would be. I can honestly say this was the semester I was least involved in but not because I didn’t want to be but due to the fact, I got Covid at the beginning of the semester and really couldn’t get back on track ever since. Getting sick really affected me more than I thought it was going to, psychically and psychologically. The truth is that it really took me a whole two months to feel back to normal after getting sick, which of course affected my project. It wasn’t till March I was finally about to really focus down on my project and figure it out. After the chaotic decision process of picking out the right topic for me, I found myself choosing a digital media I had previously told myself I wouldn’t work with again, VR on Spoke Mozilla Hubs. I must admit I decided to use it again since I had limited time to create worthy work and had recently used it last semester. I felt quite suborn to use it at the beginning, almost felt forced to use it, which is never good because like many people when I feel forced to do something it makes me not want to do even more. Thankfully, the more time I used Spoke and the more time I started researching skills to improve my techniques I found myself at the end even enjoying the designing aspect and how my final project was able to look like I had imagined it to be. I feel pretty proud of my final project, which coming from me isn’t something I have said too often throughout my course. It was a satisfying feeling which I was glad I ended to end my degree on.

What went well?

To be honest, if someone had asked me at the beginning of March ‘how do you think your project will turn out?’ I would’ve simply told them… ‘I don’t even want to think about it. But thankfully I can say that I am pretty pleased with my idea and how my curatorial design turned out. I was able to use all the skills I learned in curation, along with my experience of creating a small-scale exhibition last year to create my final VR exhibition experience. Now, of course, the fact that I wasn’t able to use the entire time given for this project might affect me and the turn out of my project, research, and skill-wise but it did lead me onto a path in which I was able to improve my skills in VR, curation, and project management. I can say that my creative progress went better than I had expected, I was able to improve my skills in VR design and advance my knowledge of Spoke, in addition to learning even more about adobe programs as well, which is always necessary. Now moving into the writing part of my project, I can say it was even enjoyable to work on and that’s pretty strange coming from me, someone who really doesn’t like writing. The fun part of my essay was the topic, the use of color in films has always been my favorite part of the film’s storytelling. The combination of writing the essay while designing my visual, helped me carry out my final project.

What didn’t go well?

I can’t help but bring up the start of my project, I think that’s the part where it didn’t go well. The fact that I wasn’t able to start my project on time due to being sick and then struggling to find my topic and question and just pressuring myself wasn’t something that went well for me. In addition to getting sick, Covid also impacted the development of my project since it made me focus more on creating something digital due to Covid making university shut their facilities and even leading me to travel back home. It was unfortunate ending my last year like this.

Thinking back on my project, I could’ve even added an AR element to my project if I had the time but since the start was a bit rocky, I decided to focus more on creating a well-made VR experience and essay instead of half-doing three things at once with the time I had. Another thing, I would’ve like to focus a bit more on my writing, even though I enjoyed writing the essay, I know that writing isn’t really one of my strongest skills and I just would’ve like to have a bit more time to perfect it and push on further topics.

What have you learned?

I have learned a lot on this project, I mean a lot… There were several moments during this project that made me doubt my creative skills, there was even a moment that I even doubted if art was ‘my thing’, if I was even creative? Of course, that saying was simply stupid to say because anyone can be creative but I was seriously doubting myself and find myself going into this hole of insecurity with it came to my creative skills. And to be honest, this ‘hole of insecurity was something I had struggled with before on several occasions throughout my degree, but it wasn’t until I stopped thinking about the importance of the projects I were working on, (when I mean importance I mainly mean grades or the opinions of others) I was able to just let myself free and believe me I know it sounds cheesy but trusts me that’s exactly how it felt. Once I let grow I was able to enjoy playing around and create the colorful experience I had envisioned in my mind. After completing the final major project I was even thankful for doing it, it gave me one last opportunity to work on my insecurities, design skills, and work ethic right before going into the real world. It was the emotional push I needed.

What would you do next time or if you had more time?

If I had more time I would’ve loved to learn how to create more definitive statement pieces for my VR experience on the Blender 3D program. I just feel if I had more time then I would’ve been able to push myself further creatively and not be stuck in the hole of insecurity in which I had dug myself before. Next time I would definitely take a step back at the very beginning of my project and just think ‘outside the box, not trap myself in this loop of the same old ideas in which I find myself comfortable. I would for sure take some more time on my research and straight away lookup skills on the program I decide to use, instead of just playing around and getting stuck wasting a bit of time. Going back to the thought of having more time, I wish I could’ve had more time to sample my VR experience on different types of computers to just have a full assurance that it would work at hundred percent capacity, but for the time given I was able to check it out on a couple of windows and mac computers, which is alright. Overall, I’m happy with how my project turned out, with the topic I had chosen, and the way I designed it. Going out with a big bang with my last project.

I would also like to say thank you to Russell, Xavier, and my parents for giving me the opportunity to join this course. Completing this degree has been a wonderful journey in which I’m very lucky to have experience. Thank you so much!

[laetro]

Samby Sayward: Comic Art that Celebrates Strength

Samby Sayward, the artist who manages to contain ‘boundless’ ideas on paper, battled her way through the hurdles of perfectionism and procrastination to reach greater heights and thrives for more! Her works are living proof of majestic works. The quirky and ambitious soul has worked on various projects and gained popularity with her ongoing comic series “Daughters of Grimm”.

Samby Sayward or more commonly known as Boundless Bard creates comics focused on female empowerment. She is a dogged person when it comes to working and does not fallibility as a reason to stop and suggests the future artists have a similar attitude towards their work. Sayward hopes her work inspires people from all backgrounds to be proud of who they are and to strive to make their wildest dreams come true.

ORDER CUSTOM ILLUSTRATION FROM SAMBY

Q. What was your childhood like and what made you, you?

Samby: I was such a quirky, scattered child! Constantly curious. Constantly jumping to the next “shiny” thing. I’m extremely lucky to have parents that tried to facilitate my exploration, while also teaching me to focus and direct my energy.

My mom is a pretty curious person herself, so she’d take my sister and me on themed library runs. Sometimes we’d do crafts like building a radio in a shoebox. We had to wrap the wires around the sink faucet to catch a signal, though it was still pretty garbled. My dad always tried to facilitate any interests with tools and instructors. When I latched on to comics, he took me to the bookstore and offered me any book I wanted. And when I wanted to go to college to make comics in Japan, he said, “OK!”

I never moved to Japan, but it just goes to show how incredibly supportive my family is. I changed my dream career multiple times a year for most of my childhood, and as long as I had a game plan for it, my parents cheered me on. And with all these different experiences to go off of, I think comics ended up the perfect industry for me. I don’t have to change careers every time I’ve got a new interest. I just explore it through my characters!

Q. Tell us something about yourself. About your journey of being an Artist.

Samby: I’ve been drawing as long as I can remember, with pretty much anything I could get my hands on. It started on scrap paper with crayons and markers. When my family saw my enthusiasm, I got sketchbooks and paint sets and colored pencils, anything “artsy” they could think of on every gift-giving holiday.

When in class, I drew my notes in the margins. When out to eat, I drew on napkins. When I entered the general workforce, I spent the minutes between shifts scribbling on receipt paper or paper plates in the breakroom. What’s more, my mind has always been my cinema. In grade school, I would spend months crafting serial stories in my dreams, watching the next part unfold each night as I drifted to sleep. And now I have the pleasure of crafting those stories during the day and sharing the finished products with the world. I’ve had a variety of aspirations throughout my life, but I think I was always meant to make comics. Now, I honestly can’t imagine doing anything else.

Q. What or who is your inspiration?

Samby: There are a lot of people, stories, experiences, art, and philosophies that have inspired me over the years. But if I had to bring it down to my top two inspirations, I’d say the combination of seeing people live and create authentically, and hearing that people reading my comics feel inspired to be themselves.

As much as I’ve had supportive influences in my life, I’ve also had people tell me I’m too much, or that my ideas are stupid, impossible, or too idealistic. I’ve even had people judge me to the point that I felt I needed to hide an integral part of who I am.

So seeing other people share their stories, inspires me to keep sharing mine. And when others accept my truth and resonate with it, it keeps that cycle of inspiration going — both to them and back to me.

Q. What inspired you to make comics on Badass Woman?

Samby: Honestly, a lifetime of stereotyped representation. With a few exceptions, I often had trouble getting into media that was marketed to girls and women. It always felt like a caricature that I couldn’t even relate to. When I turned to men and boys’ entertainment, I got stories that were more my speed, but the female characters were still parodies from a male perspective, or a fantasy “ideal”.

When I was younger, I thought that was just the way things were. I even took my action-packed story ideas and changed the protagonists to guys, since that’s all I saw in the stories I liked. But college did a lot to help me spread my creative wings, and around the time I started seriously pursuing comics as a career, I thought, “Screw it. I’m going to make the stories I want to see. With BADASS WOMEN.”

I think a lot of other women had the same epiphany because soon after, I was finding all sorts of movies, shows, and comics with badass female protagonists I could get behind. It’s awesome to see the plethora of stories and experiences that have been represented since. The media’s really heading in a cool direction now.

Q. Is there any specific reason why you make Badass woman comics?

Samby: It started out just as self-indulgence. I wanted to see myself in stories and genres that, historically, I had not. And I wanted to flip the script. To call out the tropes that belittled and objectified women.

I think my motivations have grown from that though. Seeing so many people relate to my work, and their excitement at feeling represented adds fuel to my creative fire. There’s a real need for diverse representation without stereotypes. And though my main focus is badass women, I really hope that over time I can give everyone that joy of seeing themselves in a story they love.

“When I was younger, I thought that was just the way things were. I even took my action-packed story ideas and changed the protagonists to guys, since that’s all I saw in the stories I liked. But college did a lot to help me spread my creative wings, and around the time I started seriously pursuing comics as a career, I thought, “Screw it. I’m going to make the stories I want to see. With BADASS WOMEN.”

Q. What’s your comic “Daughters of Grimm” about?

Samby: “Daughters of Grimm” is a coming of age story about five young women aiming to be heroes in a world that thinks them better as damsels. Set a few generations after the original Grimm fairy tales, each Daughter follows in the footsteps of a hero they idolize until a “Grimm” vision weaves their narratives together for a larger quest.

There are action and intrigue, swords and sorcery, and a cute goat to balance all the badassery. And if women breaking the mould to fight monsters, rule kingdoms, and become heroes intrigues you, you can read the full story to date for free on Webtoon! The introduction is wrapped up and I’ll be launching the first story arc in the spring.

Q. Are there any real-life experiences in your life where you considered yourself badass?

Samby: It’s funny, I don’t think I’ve thought about it before. But I think the times I’ve felt most badass are the big milestones of my career — printing my first comic, tabling my first convention, participating in my first panel, and receiving fan art for my comic series. Each achievement just reinforces the fact that I’m doing it. I’m really a comic pro!

Q. Do you always work on your personal projects or do you take clients’ work as well? If yes, what is it like to work with a client and how much freedom do you have in such projects?

Samby: When it comes to comic projects, I tend to stick to my personal work. But I have done some illustration work and variant covers for other comic creators. Honestly, those projects have been a blast! All my clients have given a lot of creative reigns, just giving some character references and a concept to work off of. And as fellow creators with similar goals, we often end up vibing and helping each other out with cross-promotion afterwards.

I’ll add though, I’m absolutely open to doing comic page work for the right project! I’m pretty hyped about a project pitch I got the other day from a client. It’s all the genres I’ve wanted to do and haven’t gotten to yet. We’ll just have to see if our schedules line up when the script is done.

Q. What’s the strongest female protagonist you have ever created in your comics and what’s the inspiration behind it?

Samby: So far, I think the strongest protagonist I’ve created is Emil from “Daughters of Grimm”. Not only can she take down a sea dragon solo, but also, she’s managed the task of posing as her brother for years! I think it takes a lot of internal strength to hide such a large part of yourself for so long.

Her character and struggle are largely inspired by my own experiences, both with gender roles and with the broader sense of trying to be myself while fitting in with others’ expectations.

Q. What are the projects you are currently working on or looking forward to work?

Samby: I’m currently writing the first main story arc of my fairytale series, Daughters of Grimm! Until now, the series has been made up of little short stories that introduce the world and characters. So it’s really exciting seeing all the characters and plots coming together. I can’t wait to finish it up and share it!

I’m also working on a YouTube channel and book to share some of the story planning and production techniques I’ve picked up over the years. Though I’ll be honest, I’m not sure when it’ll be ready. It’s a passion project I’m building between comic and commission work. But I’m definitely hoping the YouTube channel will be online soon(ish)!

Q. What is one tip or advice would you give to upcoming comic artists?

Samby: My advice is two-fold:

Don’t be afraid to get started, but also don’t be afraid to ‘finish’.

I think beginning artists get told that first bit a lot. “Make something! Just do it! You’ll figure things out along the way.” But in my experience, starting is much easier than finishing. And it’s finishing a project that really levels up your skills and lets you learn something.

My art leveled up more in my time outside of college than in it because in college I got so focused on perfection that I never finished anything. I never learned how to get that polished product.

[httpetras]

2020 for me - K-pop songs edition

2020 was a... tough year. Personally, globally. But for kpop? It was one of the most successfull years and instead of talking all the achievements and breakthroughs, I wanted to share my thoughts on some songs and artists I liked this year

LONG POST (and bad english sksksks)

- no japanese releases

- title tracks mostly

- personal opinion

Favorite albums of 2020 (one album/artist)

Some thoughts:

TWICE

More & More, I Can’t Stop Me, Cry for me

A lot of people disliked the song and TWICE got many hate from various of fandom to the point where the girls were insecure just by standing on the stage and perform. I never understood the senseless fanwars anyway, but this time I truly didn’t understand why everyone was hating on this song? It was definitely among the best summer releases, the album was perfect for the season and TWICE showed a new side of their artistry. There were many releases this year which followed the generic trend, but More&More managed to stand out and show something new among summer songs.

Their next comeback was just p.e.r.f.e.c.t. Okay, first and foremost, I’m a sucket for retro concepts so 2020 was a bless for me from this perspective sksksk. Besides my bias I’m literally in love with this song.

Also with the whole album, I can’t stop myself from listening it. TWICE as always tried something new, showed a different side of them, was not afraid to discover new sounds and concepts. One of the reasons that I’m still with them after 4 years is the fact that TWICE grew up and matured along with their music. This album was their fifth year destination. I just can’t express how much I love not just the concept, but all the songs are so unique in their own way that you can never get tired of listening them.

TWICE being one of the most unique girl groups out there (along with Red Velvet, hope they comeback soon), and I’m just so happy for them and so proud I could be with them for four years seeing them growing as artists.

A.C.E - Favorite boys

Hands down, this was definitely one of my favorire comebacks of 2020. The way I thought they could never do a song like “undercover” again....I was so naive. From the first second till the last you can’t look away from the aesthetically pleasing MV where traditional mixes with modern, gender is a non-existent, meanwhile the song so effortlessly goes from a very strong rap to high notes wigh catchy beats and chorus.

Also the dance and the outfits, don’t forget to mention the teaser photos... it was one of the strongest comeback of the year.

However, I feel like their releases were among the most underrated songs of 2020. I just can’t help but think what if they were a bigger company especially that nowadays when stan twt is all about numbers, groups from smaller company get less and less attention. All I can hope that A.C.E getting the hype they deserve will be one of the positive changes 2021 will bring.

(A million thank you for TATE for introducing me to them!)

ITZY

Wannabe, Not shy

There are some songs from ITZY I really like but their title tracks were really not my style (they are not bad in any way, but felt too much for my taste). But this year!

Wannabe and Not Shy was just *chef’s kiss*.

I felt the same with them as with skz - in their first year they were looking for their sound, trying to find the best sytle for them. In this second year, they seemed to be more confident in themselves and their concept as a group. (And also, finally these songs fit into Lia’s range!). Every member could shine in these eras, show off their singing (and dancing) skills. All together these two songs (and albums) were something I could enjoy very much.

AKMU - Happening

The nation’s siblings came back and created another masterpiece! If I wasn’t in love with the song itself, the MV would have made it fall for it. Something comforting, something melodic, a song you didn’t know you need until you hear it... Recommend it 1010292725282920/10

STRAY KIDS

Too much releases sksksk all of them are amazing obvi

I can’t choose one song from them, they released something new in every month and I’d have so much to talk about sksksks so a short-summary:

2020 was their year. Eventhough I felt like stray kids could not surprise me anymore, I would have never been able to prepare mysef for this year when they came back with full power. Starting with SKZ2020, followed by anime openings and on track, then the iconic God’s menu and Back door - they evolved and said FU to the industry who still rejects them. And I don’t know how to explain, but they seemed much more confident in themselves and in the music they put out, and that was definitely something which helped them to make 2020 theirs. All the concepts, all the song genres while staying unique and not following trends? Every. Comeback. They. Had. This. Year. Just blown my mind. I literally just... I’d show you the songs they released this year and I’m 100% sure even a non-stay would agree with me saying that they deserve so-so-so much more for their songs alone

ONEWE - End of spring

As lovesick girls gave me 2010’s summer song vibe End of Spring gave me the same vibe, something bands such as imagine dragons would release back in around 2015. I LOVE IT. It has such a nice fun energy, whenever it comes up on my playlist, it’s an instant adrenalin boost. It does remind me of summer camps and just having fun with people there

DAY6

I wrote about them in my 30-day Day6 challenge back in september-october

Lee Hi - HOLO

Lee Hi is one of those idols I feel for the most as she’s been through more than enough hardships in her life. She seriously deserves the best from this cruel world.

This year a company change happened and she released a comforting, yet, heartbreaking song about depression and self-worth most likely reflecting on her own struggles. Tissues recommended because this is a song everyone can relate to in some ways and also be prepared for the MV.

SUNMI - pporappippam

The queen of retro is back with another masterpiece because she’s Sunmi, she can’t make bad songs! I love the vibe of the song, the aesthetic MV with purple as the dominant color... it truly felt like a song from 80’s with an unique sound none can master but Sunmi. Kpop would be not kpop without her!

Also, on a totally unrelated note: even though I’m not a fan of her, just a casual listener, I want to state how fcking proud I am of her. I can’t even imagine how difficult it was for Sunmi to be this open about her borderline-disorder especially as an idol. I truly hope she’s healthy and doing alright, wishing her the best for the future

Chungha - Play

As much as I loved every releases from her in this year, Play was the song which was on repeat. Like, this song is full of energy, has such a fun vibe which makes you want to dance along with it! Also, also, the MV was super colorful, her stylist did a great job and the tango was well incorporated into the choreo, it was creative and entertaining to watch her performances of this song.

And let me add how happy I am for Chungha, this year she released songs always trying out something new and participated in many different projects. I also loved her collaborations! They were super underrated even within the fandom.

Gfriend - Mago

Retro. Disco. 80’s. Love the MV. Love the song! Such a different concept from what we are used to see from them, but again, this year Gfriend was not afraid to deviate from their usual sound and try out new things.

As much as I’m in love with this song (and Apple as well!), just as much I appreciate the visible artistic growth they have shown in this year. Wish them many luck for their future!

BTS

Okay, let me tell you quickly a little story. Before the first lockdown happened, in the beginning of the year in school we had this agreement in french class. If we don’t want to take a french exam, we can sit in the back and studying or doing something silently. This was around the time when Mots7 was released and so, during every french class I listened to this album on repeat while studying chemistry. Then quarantine came, classmates got sick, drama happened, took exams, a lonely summer, then university... the world was burning. For me, this album was the “last” normal thing before pandemic hit europe; whenever I listened to it, it takes me back to me our french classes, my friend sitting next to me doing her make up, me reading my chemistry book, windows are open, you can hear a class having PE class, the teacher explains something for those few students sitting in the first row... seems peaceful? Maybe too nostalgic. But Mots7 became that album for me which was there for us before the world fell, which reminded me of the “normal” life throughout this year, and helped me a lot. And I’ll be forever thankful for that. Dynmite: Retro, english, fun, we need it. Hungarians hated it so much? But hungarian kpop fans are edgy they hate everything popular because they “appreciate talent” *eye roll* Life goes on: This song for me is the new spring day in a way - calming, nostalgic, comforting, something we really needed after this hectic year. A perfect song to end 2020. “Life goes on“ = “This too, shall pass”

Taemin

HAVE YOU SEEN A MAN SO PERFECT?

Okay, but seriously. Taemin owned this year! 3 comebacks with SuperM and 3 comebacks as a solo act, multiply MVs and performances, not letting anyone forget about him nor SHINEE. Whenever I thought that okay, this is his peak, he can’t do better than this - Taemin came back and proved me wrong again. Never Dance Again act 1 and 2 were among the best releases this year

Somi - What you waiting for

As much as I didn’t like birthday, I found myself enjoying this song a lot! Nothing astonishingly new or different, but has a catchy beat and chorus, suits to Somi’s range and she even looked more confident while performing on music shows (naturally, she got more used to being a soloist after a year or so, but still. It was good to see her owning that stage and being happy there). Similar to BP, it also has a western pop feeling especially with the full-english chorus, but somehow worked better for me personally here!

Oneus

Such an underrated group which I got to know through one of my moots on twitter, otherwise I would have never heard of them. And what a mistake it’d be!

Alone the concepts stole my heart, I adored the whole prince, vampires, kinght theme going on in a fantasy world vibes of the MVs. Besides that, I love how they sound together as a group, it’s so pleasing to hear how all those different voices comes after each other and somehow makes it work, resulting in an amazing song.

TXT

This year, when the debut hype is long gone, TXT proved that they are much more than just a boy group next to BTS. Their success is thanks to their hardwork and magical, unique style which made millions of people fall in love with them. (Big3 privilige is still a thing tho, but their hardwork should not be underestimated. Because of their privileged situation, they were offered oppurtunities, had a financial background other artists don’t - but it doesn’t make them less than others. Just shows the faults in the unfair music system).

Despite my worries that after Run Away it’d be hard for them coming back with another song, they managed to release a no-skip mini album with an awesome music video “Can’t you see me”. One moment they are laughing, and in the next one they’re killing eachother while singing about growing up and losing touch with friends once they were inseparable with.

Their journey of growing up with its pros and cons are portrayed through their songs, using mystical themes such as a fatal game and a long forgotten magical promise. They enforced this concept furthermore in this year by their next songs, Drama, Blue Hour and We lost the summer which about the impact of the pandemic on teenagers (side note: such a creative MV! They’re truly part ofour generation sksksk).

And I haven’t even mentioned the anime openings and OST they made this year, capturing such a familiar feeling of the magic of our daily lives and fights.

They make music for us, for our generation, about issues and feelings we all face with every day in our daily life. And gosh, we needed TXT in 2020 so bad, I’m grateful for them

Red Velvet - Psycho

(Okay, so psycho is technically was released in 2019, but like only few days before new year’s eve so... I count it as a 2020 release)

RV had only one comeback this year as a whole group, they still made it iconic and served a song which quickly becamone of of THAT songs of 2020. I may say this too many times, but I’m in love with groups with unique concepts and sounds whoch can only be done by them. It’s especially true for RV: they always serve and never miss.

And I could go into details how perfect this song is and that I could spent a whole day just watching the MV, but I think everyone knows what I think exactly. It’s a masterpiece.

(Side note: though it’s not quite my style, I surprisingly like Irene and Seulgi’s song “Monster” too! One of the most iconic songs of this year)

Ateez

Answer, Inception

This was THAT year for 4th groups!

As I mentioned at Itzy and briefly touched on it at skz, i do feel like groups which debuted 1-2 years ago found their own sound, own style, own concept now and more confident and better in the music they put out. Don’t get me wrong, these groups were never bad - but now the improvement comparing to their debut days are so visible. You could feel ATEEZ are going hard, wild yet keeping it elegant and never losing their own style. I’m literally unable to tell you how much I loved their songs in this year and I’m more than excited to see what 2021 will bring for them and for us!

LUCY

Flowering, Jogging, Snooze

Definitely one of the best debuts of 2020. After all, you can’t see many korean bands with a violinist (if I’m correct, there’s only LUCY out there). I am absolutely in love with their uniqe style. It’s so different yet, it’s so needed, especially in this crazy times.

They sound like spring. Hopeful with the re-born nature around them. They sound like summer, july. Full of fantasy, and childish dreams of adventures in the backyard. They sound like early autumn. Something changed, something passed, a little grief in the begging of “please stay a child for a bit longer”.

3YE - yessir

Girl crush conceot is running high, kpop is full of powerful anthems for girls (and I love that!), but completely different what we were used to hear from 2nd generation groups. Music evolved throughout the time so there’s nothing surprising in this. Yet, 3YE was able to release a song which gives me off second generation vibes, it was impossible for me to not fall in love with it. It’s powerful, and catchy... deserved more attention from the gp.

Songs I liked and recommend but lazy to write more mini-essays:

Seventeen - Homerun, Left & right

Iz*one - The secret story of a swan, Panorama

Berrygood - Accio

Wjsn - Butterfly

G-Idle - Oh my god

Pentagon - Daisy

Loona - Star, So what

Blackpink - Lovesick girls

IU - Eight

KARD - Gunshot

Hoppipolla - Let’s

Hwasa - Maria

Weekly - Tag me

StayC - So bad

CLC - Helicopter

Everglow - La di da

Astro - knock

Dreamcatcher - boca

April - lalalilala

Apink - dumhdrum

BAE173 - crush on u

E’LAST - Tears of chaos

Oh my girl - secret garden

fromis9 - feel good

p1harmony - butterfly

HA:TFELT - Life Sucks

Sunmi x JYP - When we disco

Yukika - Soul Lady

Eric Nam - Paradise

Stella Jang - Villain

Zico - Any song

DPR LIVE - Jam & Butterfly (ft. Crush, eaJ)

Got7 - Last piece, Not by the moon

Weekly - tag me

Lacuna - Dancing in the rain

Cignature - Arisong

Jessi - Nununana

Blackswan - Tonight

N.flying - Oh really

Brave Girls - We ride

DreamNote - Wish

Natty - 19

[sinceileftyoublog]

Ghost Liotta Interview: Soft Synths, Hard Decisions

BY JORDAN MAINZER

It takes quite the level of trust for musicians to hand over their art to someone and give them free reign, usually the type of relationship a band might have with a longtime producer. For Ghost Liotta, it happened with first-time collaborators. Using vintage modular synths, live drums, and steel guitar, the trio of drummer James McAlister (The National, Sufjan Stevens), multi-instrumentalist Christopher Wray (Butch Walker), and multi-instrumentalist Zac Rae (Death Cab for Cutie), recorded material at Rae’s studio a few years back after each person was finished with a tour. Before finishing the material, a fire permanently closed Rae’s studio. A few years later, rediscovered, instead of looking back themselves, the band handed the hard drives over to producer John Spiker (Tenacious D) to see what he could come up with. The results weren’t what the band could have imagined at any point in the creation of the songs; yet, they were perfect. From dark, industrial, beat-centric tracks (“when we sleep”, “nonlinear b”) to ambient atmospheric drones (“back to dust”, “life cycle”), their self-titled debut album, released in August, flows seamlessly, never trying too hard, yet always surprising you.

A few months ago, I spoke to the band over Skype from their respective homes and studios in California. (They’d been able to see each other during the pandemic for a photo shoot but were otherwise busy doing sessions for other projects, so the interview was as much of a catchup session for them as it was an introduction to myself.) Read on as they talk about how they made the record, its aesthetic, whether they’ll follow the same creative process in the future, and how in the hell they came up with the band name.

Since I Left You: Why did you decide to make this record self-titled?

Zac Rae: It was a long discussion about the titling of this record and the names of the songs. Everything at one point was untitled because they existed as numbers on a hard drive, like “Untitled No. 6″ and “Untitled No. 9.” We initially kept that as an artistic choice--it wasn’t linear. It was like, “3, 2, 7, 9″ in the sequence we’d come up with. We realized it would be confusing for the whole world, so we titled everything but left the album title as the project.

Christopher Wray: The way we made the album, Zac, myself, and James were in Zac’s studio. We basically told the engineer to hit record and we’d start making music. Those jams would sometimes go for 20 minutes and sometimes an hour and 20 minutes. We’d pretty much stop at some point and go into the control room and drop markers on ideas we thought were cool. After doing that for three days, the whole saga of the studio burning and the hard drives, we gave the files to Spiker as a form of torture and he just started sending back these amazing arrangements. We just couldn’t believe it. We had all the raw material Spiker coalesced into an album.

SILY: The album definitely has a cohesiveness to it you don’t often get with raw improvisation.

ZR: That was a choice. There were times where we debated whether to leave something as a rolling, 10-minute amorphous thing or put it into a form that somebody listening cold can hear the development of the idea. We chose to make it a little more focused.

SILY: With the sequencing of the tracks, did you want to present them as mini suites? Or were you trying to change things up from track to track?

James McAlister: I don’t know that there was a super conscious thing, that we were making a record and had to have 10 songs that were three minutes long each. The way the songs were created was super unstructured. We let those dictate what each thing was. It wasn’t some endgame where we had to make a certain number of songs out of the material. What’s on the record is the best of what we pulled from those sessions, so there wasn’t forethought on the form of anything. That was the fun of it: Taking those moments and letting them be.

CW: That’s very much the spirit of the album too. James, I don’t know if you remember this, but going way back, I guess 6-7 years ago, the impetus for me reaching out to Zac before Zac and I had ever met was a project like this, if not this project. Zac’s been in the scene for a long time, and we have a lot of mutual friends and worked with the same people. I love what he does in the studio. I remember asking James since you were buds before, “Can you introduce me to Zac Rae? I want to do something that’s just for us, not for a particular artist or project.” We got breakfast at Kitchen 24 in Hollywood, and that was the early bird of this project.

JM: The way it came together is one decision leading to another, which is my favorite way to make everything. We even talked about having vocalists to collaborate, and the more we got down the road, we just liked what it was. We didn’t know what to call it, and that’s a good sign: When you make something you like and you’re happy at the end of it. I feel like I was constantly surprised by how great every decision came out, like, “Oh, wow, this is better than I thought, even.” All four of us make a lot of music, so it’s refreshing to be pleasantly surprised by something you do. We can go into work mode, get it done and get it right, but this felt more special than your average thing.

SILY: Would you say the record has a distinct mood?

JM: I think that’s what its strongest trait is.

ZR: When we were putting together the final sequencing and edits, we were all in a space thinking whether you could put it on with headphones and listen to it all the way through, or by yourself or in your car or biking in the wilderness or in an airplane. It sustains the space really well for the length of the record. We thought consciously about that and made some final decisions based on, “This piece doesn’t really fit in this flow,” and making one body.

SILY: When I first read that the album would have so many different types of synths, live drums, and steel guitar, I expected to be able to hear those instruments more. “I Am Thoughts” was a track where I could consciously hear drums, but otherwise, it was a pretty consistent aesthetic.

CW: The most conscious aspect of that was having the room in the recordings itself; in a genre that’s more traditionally direct, we wanted to be able to hear the room, hear amps. To me, I think that’s what gives the album its depth and uniqueness. Hearing chairs squeak. I can’t remember the name of the track, but one of the first ones we kind of organized into a vibe, the Overstayer on it was interacting with a really weird way where the reverb coming out of my amp was in another room. The overhead mics from the drum kit were catching the reverbs of my amp that were in another room which was creating this weird vibe. Very room-centric.

ZR: Things like James hitting the pad, generating an electronic sound, but you’re hearing the sound of the stick on the rudder, so it’s thudding and being sort of distorted, not like an electronic snare or a drum but somewhere between the two. I’m really proud of how that landed in the vinyl version.

JM: There’s nothing worse than, “Here’s an electronic beat we’re gonna record a drum kit over!” If I hear that one more time I’m gonna hang it up. [laughs] We got into this weird sort of in between space that’s hard to do based on the situation we have.

SILY: What’s the story behind the band name?

CW: I was on a session for another artist, and we were on break, and I was on a couch and two different conversations were happening at one time, and in one conversation, somebody said “ghost” and in the other conversation somebody said “liotta” and all my brain heard was that phrase. I thought, “That sounds like our band.”

SILY: I assume somebody was talking about Ray Liotta?

CW: I’m not sure. I don’t know how else that word gets thrown out.

JM: This whole thing is a sublet nod to Ray Liotta. I’m still hoping we can get successful enough that he can be in a video for us.

ZR: Ray Liotta as a ghost in space.

CW: In between his Chantix commercials. [laughs]

JM: We could figure out some kind of narrative where this is actually Ray Liotta’s band. All instruments by Ray Liotta. If you’re curious, confirmed: Ray Liotta did all of this.

SILY: Why are all the titles lowercase?

CW: Thank you! They are. On Spotify, when I uploaded tracks, it [wasn’t working.] When I emailed them, because I’ve seen other artists do that, I tried to get some sort of permission to do all lowercase. But I can’t figure out for the life of me how to do that on the streaming platforms, and I was sent a “No.”

I don’t know if it’s a visual thing, but artistically, it’s what felt right to all of us.

JM: I was pushing for everything being untitled, so I had to settle for lowercase letters.

SILY: What’s the story behind the album art?

CW: We were looking at different artists and options, and an artist in Southern California...we saw this beautiful painting that he did, it looked like the world our album lived in. We reached out, he was super cool and said, “Go for it.”

SILY: What else is next for you?

ZR: We’re excited about making this music. It’s been three years since we created this. We’re excited about repeating this process and seeing what new influences we’re bringing to the table. I think later this year we’ll do that.

SILY: Do you think you’ll follow the same process, where Christopher, James, and Zac will make and give it to John to arrange?

John Spiker: I think that remains to be seen. In one sense, there was something beautiful that I knew nothing when I stepped into this stuff. When I first heard the music, I had no memories of the session or what I was searching for. It was this void where I could needle drop around it and let fate lead the way. It was a positive for my workflow. I don’t think it was the key to why it worked, but it was interesting and a first for me. This fresh exciting thing for me to jump into and discover moments in a different way rather than sitting into the control room listening to the guys playing. I think if I had that in my mind, I might want to think of it more structured of the way it was created. Since I didn’t have that, it was, “It could be anything.”

CW: If you’re okay with it, Spiker, it would be cool to recreate that and keep you in the dark! I would be stoked if we sent you an hour of music and nothing we recorded made the cut.

JS: This is like working backwards. This is usually year 10, album 5 for a band where it’s like, “No, you don’t need to come. Don’t come, actually, we’d rather you not be there.”

CW: The one thing I want to make sure we do even if the concept changes is being in the same room while we’re making it. James and Zac are not interested in making music in a silo. We all do that on other things. The magic that happens is being in the room vibing off of each other and making decisions. We didn’t use a single soft synth on the album. It’s all hardware. Because of that, we’re making decisions that are internal. You can’t go in and change a preset and dial something back. I like the permanence of making those decisions together in the moment.

SILY: Was that experience on the flipside for the three of you also unique where you made it and sent it off and had no idea how it would come back?

CW: Yeah, and it was due to complete trust. Spiker has been one of my best buds for a long time. I met him before I moved to L.A. He was the only person in the world I would have trusted to send all this stuff and say, “Do what you want with this.” We just said, “Do your thing.” If we had given it to anybody else, I don’t know if the passion would have been there. Anybody else would have required some direction or some kind of an idea of what they should be doing. Spiker just dove in and made shit happen.

ZR: Other projects in my life I have such a high degree of control over. It’s my band, I’m mixing it and controlling it and have control over every stage of the process. It’s so gratifying for Spiker to come in and handle that side of it and to be surprised almost like somebody was doing a remix of your record. It was really lovely for me to have that weight removed.

[dressed-to-keehl]

birthday post

so my 21st year has probably been my hardest one on this earth. i got rejected from every grad school i applied to. i lost a fiction prize i was the runner up for. i had the worst mental illness problems i’ve ever had to the point that i literally did not think i would live even one more day. i had pretty much the worst alcoholism relapse of all time and have been working a job that makes me feel terrible about myself. my relationship, the only thing i’ve ever taken to be a 100% given, has been on the rocks. i’ve had to confront some realities of health and of ageing (slightly lol I'm still young af). i’ve graduated from college and me and my idealism have been forced to confront the realities of my creative writing degree. it’s been enormously difficult and challenged essentially everything i thought to be true about myself and my personal development.

then again, the reason it’s been so challenging is because i am not used to failing. i am used to struggling, but not through challenges of my own making. mine has been a hard life, but i have never really sincerely doubted myself until this year.

now i’ve made it to twenty two years, and i hope that it’s true that these greatest challenges i’m facing will be the ones that make me grow the most. i hope that in defeating my own demons- instead of other people’s- i will be closer to meeting and becoming my strongest and best self. i know (and have always known) that i have the potential to do amazing things. the question now is no longer whether not i am able to do them, but whether or not i will. i know my troubles aren’t over, but at the very least i hope i will be able to take all i’ve learned this year and use it for something meaningful. i like to think that i will. i’m already moving towards my goals in that i’ve completely reworked much of the outline for my trilogy that i’ve been working on for years, and now believe it to be a concept with even more serious potential. although i may need to rework the plot some more, i believe that this iteration is as close to the final publishable draft that i can get at this point in my writing ability. i am applying to graduate school even though i don’t know if i will make it this time, and i had the courage to ask for recommendations even though i was ashamed and wasn’t sure i deserved it. i have more money in my bank account than ever before, and i am not spending it senselessly. i live with a lot of fear and shame, but i am doing more about it now than i have been in the past few months. that is not enough, but it is good. i am good. i have people that i love and i am armed with all the skills i need to become the person i want to be.

my goal this year is to reach a point where i can be proud of myself easily. my goal this year is to do all the things i need to do to love myself. those things are: work hard, write often, live fully and love deeply.

so here’s to doing my best in this new year of life and giving all i have to offer. i will do my best to believe that is very much, indeed.

[jeonfinite]

end of the year fic meme

total number of completed stories: 5 total word count: 51225

Overall Thoughts Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? I wrote way more than I predicted bc I never thought I’d produce fic at all, but I actually published a oneshot or chapter at least once a month since june. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? I would’ve never guessed I would become 100% certified jinkook trash this yr and would’ve laughed in your face if you told me otherwise lmao. I didn’t even know who jungkook was until feb!! in fact despite always having a soft spot for bts and following all of their music releases I was like actually ‘I don’t think I’ll ever truly stan them’ lmfao. my life is a joke. What’s your own favorite story of the year? forever yours. it’s basically everything I ever want to happen in a fic. seokjin as an academy award winning actor? jinkook writing a song together? jinkook going on cute dates and continually supporting the other as they fall deeper in love? ugh my heart. the idea is so dear to me and it’s my baby. and even tho bangtan disbanded in the fic, they all found their own success and they’re rly close friends. I fucking love the ending too omg. I did my best to make it rly gratifying and make up for all the stuff jungkook went through earlier. plus I love fics based on idol/band verse, canon/divergence/future fic and I liked weaving in canon elements to it. it makes it feel more real imo.

Did you take any writing risks this year? uh, not rly? other than writing and publishing my first fic ever. and I guess actually shading big hit/bang pd lmao. as far as I know of, no one has done that before? and multiple ppl have called me brave for doing so lol. Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year?

to try to write longer fics I guess. there’s this 10k fic I’ve been planning forever but still haven’t gotten around to even tho I kept meaning to write it next lol.

From my past year of writing what was… My best story of this year: definitely forever yours. honestly sometimes I feel like it’s my peak lmfao. like I will never able to match some of those descriptions ever again. whenever I’m struggling to write something and I go back to it I’m like HOW DID I WRITE THIS?? and when ppl tell me I’ve made them cry and laugh omg. I almost don’t believe it. I don’t think any of my fics have elicited such a reaction and I think it’s the one that affected me most. I hurt my own non existent heart. My most popular story of this year: forever yours lmao. not only does it have the most hits/kudos/comment/bookmarks, but it’s the fic I most often see ppl reccing, screaming about, and quoting on twitter. I love it tho. pls continue screaming about it and @ me!! The story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: lights go on again. it’s gotten the least attention of all my fics so far. idk if it’s bc ppl are sick of me already or if I rly offended that many ppl by insulting their precious bang pd oppa lmao. also yo where all the jin stans at? I thought at least they’d appreciate its contents lmao.

but also rollin’ the deep bc I actually like that one a lot now and it’s the second least popular lol. but it’s on par with light me up and I expected that based on the content. ofc the fics with jin winning an oscar and shitting on the mother/son trope would gain the most traction so I’m not surprised. The most fun story to write:

us against the world! the idea of everyone hitting on jin and jungkook getting jealous was too good to pass up. I had so much fun writing taehyung’s scene omfg. I actually started it with it lmfao and it seems like most ppl agree. hoseok’s always makes me laugh and ngl I feel like a genius whenever I reread that fic lol. :’) definitely my peak humor and probably the funniest/crackiest thing I’ll ever write.

Story with single sweetest moment?

it’s a tie with forever yours’ birthday scene and light me up’s christmas decorations. but overall rollin’ the deep made me melt the most with how overwhelming sweet it was. I live for soft sweet jinkook doing grossly romantic things for each other ok. The story with the single sexiest moment:

jungkook wearing lingerie in light me up, definitely :x tho the smut scene in forever yours is infinitely better imo. I will unfortunately never able to write a smut scene that good again but I think it’s the intimacy of the moment and the way it’s written that makes it so special, hence why I like it so much. The most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story:

idk? me attempting smut even tho I’m terrible at it? quoting myself I actually said “writing sex is honestly so hard already I would never waste my time writing it just for the sake of it if it didn’t have any meaning” yet the smut in light me up was the first scene I started writing. I am a goddamn hypocrite lol. but it’s sth I thought I’d never be able to write bc a few years ago I would get so embarrassed by the idea and would want to throw myself off a cliff at the thought lol. The story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

none of them rly. I just write jinkook like I how see them. their interactions just come so naturally to me that it’s one of the easiest and most fun things to write in my fics. The hardest story to write: honestly… light me up. all my fics get rly hard to write one point and I always start off hating the first drafts bc they’re complete garbage but I fucking suffered the most writing that one. literally took fucking forever to wrangle the sex scene into what it was. it was hot ass fragmented mess that I had to slowly unravel and reorganize one sentence at a time. I didn’t even want to look at it bc it was so bad lol. and two of the most pivotal points; the lights  and lingerie were awful at first so I struggled to make them good enough to rly stand out and to a standard I was pleased with. and transitioning the first scene into the second one where jinkook kiss under the snowfall and the ending were fucking hell too. you can ask kaleidotears, I was bitching to her the entire time lmao. albeit vaguely bc I didn’t want to spoil anything. I started a month in advance bc it usually takes me that long to produce something and as the date approached closer I was lowkey panicking and almost thought I wouldn’t make it lol. The biggest disappointment:

lights go on again. not only is the reception lackluster compared to my other fics, but it’s honestly the weakest thing I’ve written so far. I’m seriously considering orphaning it but idk :( The biggest surprise: idk. I was honestly fucking shellshocked when us against the world got over 1000 hits in less than 24 hrs tho. I never expected that kind of reaction, especially for my very first ever fic. I honestly thought no one would want to read my fics lol. but also when ppl say I’m their favorite or one of their favorite authors?? like in what in the hell. I consider myself an amateur bc I have never written consistently before in my life. I’m new to the whole fic writing scene. I’ve actually spent the majority of my life hating my writing lmao. or when ppl praise things I think I’m shit at lol. I also like rollin’ in the deep a lot more than I thought I would considering it was just a dumb fluff piece to satisfy my thirst. I wrote the first 1300 words in a waiting room and I was like I don’t have to make this perfect bc it’s stupid fluff but I legit melted writing it. oh and publishing the first chapter of forever yours in two weeks after my first fic. how in the hell did I ever write 9k that quickly I will unfortunately never able to do that again.

The most unintentionally telling story:

I’m not sure what this even means? a lot of myself does bleed into my stories I think. like even if the mood varies depending on the scene I feel like my voice carries through? they just sound like me and it’s something that can’t be repicated lol. like my fics have a shit ton of cussing which is part of it lmao. but also sometimes I give jinkook aspects of myself like seokjin doing aegyo and being clingy when drunk (which is actually real omfg I’m a genius sorry) and jungkook not realizing when other ppl like him. also by reading my fics you can tell which groups I stan, what foods I like, etc. and ofc when I start waxing poetic about their looks or voices or talents that’s all me lol. Highlights + Wrap-up Favorite Opening Line(s): “And the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to… Kim Seokjin!” — forever yours; ch1 twenty four

The world is fucking taunting Jungkook.— forever yours; ch2 fiction

Jungkook feels sick. Bile mounts up his throat; it tastes like bitterness, hurt, betrayal, anger, resentment, and heartbreak, flowing through him in chaotic discord. His voice breaks underneath the staggering weight. — forever yours; ch3 smile, again

they’re all from forever yours lmao. the first one is for very obvious reasons but the other two I find the most riveting. I tend to start my fics with dialogue or with “seokjin/jungkook …” bc I’m so creative lol Favorite Closing Line(s): they lose themselves in each other until the world fades till there’s nothing but seokjin and jungkook, just their mouths and bodies and hearts uniting into one against the world. — us against the world

I’m forever yours. — forever yours

I like connecting the endings to my titles clearly lmao. but those endings are the strongest and the ones  I’m most proud of. the other ones are all kind of similar and end with jinkook in a bed saying I love you haha. Favorite 5 10 Lines from Anywhere:

it’s relatively quiet outside and the weather is beautiful; the clear, azure skies provide an obstructed pathway for the gleaming sunshine to burn the foliage in a palette of fiery crimsons, rich golds, and vibrant oranges. the oppressive summer heat has finally faded into a cool, refreshing breeze with the advent of autumn. seokjin tugs jungkook into his side for a surge of warmth as they amble towards the car, the crisp air nipping at their skin, rustling through his bunny ears, and fallen leaves crunching beneath their feet. — rollin’ in the deep

Snowfall blankets the landscape like an instagram filter, casting a creamy, dreamy lighting over the scenery. It looks like they stepped into a fairytale. — light me up

Jungkook hums sweetly, toying with the strands of hair behind Seokjin’s nape. The melody is so soft and sweet like a souffle that Seokjin wants to devour it—so he does, capturing Jungkook’s lips and licking the inside of his mouth. — light me up

The parade marches through as they eat, a symphony of prismatic floats and musical instruments decorating Main Street with whimsy. Seokjin sways alongside the music and Jungkook joins him, their bubbling giggles adding another layer of sound to the percussion. — forever yours

Seokjin is so beautiful but he’s never been more gorgeous than when his chiseled, naked body and pink strands glisten with sweat while thrusting deeply into Jungkook, dark eyes smouldering with lust and headiness, handsome face contorted in concentration intent on pleasuring Jungkook, and plush, pretty, pink mouth falling open as melodic sounds escape his lips, sweeter than his blessed high notes. It’s too much for Jungkook. — forever yours

“You’re gorgeous. My beautiful baby boy. Sweet marshmallow bunny.” — light me up

the bright white of the headband contrasts with his dark hair, haloing a soft crown of light around him, and coupled with the afterglow of his orgasm, he looks angelic. seokjin tells him as much and he flushes a pretty pink, a perfect complement to his ivory rabbit ears. — rollin’ in the deep

jungkook licks his lips as they stroll past a lone vendor selling hotteok, and when seokjin kisses him, cornering him in the enshrouding, secluded thicket of maple trees, seokjin tastes sweet like brown sugar, like cinnamon, like the warming comfort of fall spices and home-baked treats. — rollin’ in the deep

It’s empty this late at night, their only company being the summer breeze rustling through their clothes and the mild rippling of the waves. The water glitters beautifully underneath the stars in the darkness but it pales in comparison to the way the moonlight dances off Seokjin’s freshly dyed pastel hair to illuminate his gorgeous features. He looks magical, bright eyes sparkling and pink strands shimmering. — forever yours

The kiss is everything Jungkook dreamed and fantasized about but beyond his imagination. Seokjin tastes like coffee and chocolate and cream, their dessert lingering on his tongue, and Jungkook licks up every last morsel of flavor. He can’t get enough; Seokjin is so sweet and soft and warm against him like a freshly baked cake. He’s addicted. He wants more. — forever yours

also the iconic:

“Fuck PDogg hyung and Bang PD hyung” — forever yours

you know what this is too fucking hard. I’ll do a separate post with my top 5 lines from each fic. these are just 10 lines I’m particularly fond of and rly wanted to highlight bc no one else has.

Top 5 Scenes from Anywhere You Would Choose to Have Illustrated:

1. JUNGKOOK WEARING LINGERIE AND BUNNY EARS but particularly the part with jungkook sitting on seokjin’s lap growling he’s sexy and seokjin laughing at him for being adorable. literally if my drawing skills were good enough and I had a tablet I would fucking illustrate this myself

2. seokjin gifting jungkook diamond studs on the balcony underneath fairy lights and the seoul night sky

3. jinkook kissing under the snowfall and surrounded by christmas lighting + decorations

4. jinkook holding hands while walking outside in the fall foliage and seokjin kissing jungkook in a thicket of maple trees

5. JINKOOK PERFORMING THEIR FUCKING DUET AT JUNGKOOK’S SOLO CONCERT

+ bonus sakura petals swirling around seokjin with seokjin cornering jungkook against a tree to swipe stray ice cream off his lips and licking it off his thumb and watching the fireworks at disneyland with seokjin’s head nestled onto jungkook’s shoulder and arms wrapped around his waist.

Fic-writing goals for 2018: to finally write the ideas on my ever growing list. my last three were completely unplanned and were random spur of the moments. but I wanted to write something for jin’s bday. I could’ve written something short from my list but I wanted to do christmas lights and jungkook in lingerie so :x also to take my sweetass time until I’m perfectly happy with everything before publishing and not rushing out fics anymore. I’ve learned that when I try to write something as fast as possible for others—it goes wholly unappreciated like the last chapter of forever yours and light me up. like half of the original commenters disappeared despite finally getting the happy ending they cried for and being so excited for the fic? lol idk what happened but there’s no way I could’ve messed up the last chapter that badly… but yeah it’s just not worth the stress lmao. ppl just don’t understand the effort, time, and pain it goes into producing something.

[thefavouritechild]

CONCLUSIONS, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS.

THIS PROJECT DIDN’T LIKE ME AND I DIDN’T LIKE IT EITHER.

I definitely struggled with this project, and I know why - I know where I had my falls and where I fucked up. Visuals have never been my strongest aspect, nor the aspect I ever have any interest in doing; I put all my energy into my research and my strategy, and drop the ball when it comes to actually producing the outcomes needed to bring my project to a conclusion. I was steered in the direction of copywriting and strategy in the past year, and told to keep my visuals super simple so that those two things can shine through it and be my main body of work, but when confronted with a project that puts emphasis on the visuals, I overwhelmed myself and bit off more than I could chew in the timeframe I had available to me. This is definitely a project where I should have either kept it very simple content wise, or worked in a group with someone who excels in visuals and maybe falls flat in their strat, so that we could have shared the work 50/50 and collaboratively come out with a solid bulk of work. Getting back into the rhythm of class after months being away, and retaining the momentum and progress I achieved last year has definitely been difficult - it’s felt like starting an engine on a vintage car that hasn’t been driven in years, and I think clawing my way back up to the point I was at last year is definitely going to take some stops and starts, and some trips and falls, but that’s just how the creative process works. Not everything can be a win, and this project just wasn’t the one for me, son.

But I bit off more than I could chew, and didn’t spit it out. I continued to struggle through it because some work is better than no work, and I knew if I backtracked and tried to start from scratch with such a small amount of time left, I’d panic and get further behind and end up having nothing to show for it. I’m proud that I was able to put some work out into the world, but not proud of what work I’ve put out into the world. Social media, whilst being perceived as being fast paced, actually needs time to stew in order to engage an audience and get the reaction and responses you want - you can’t put out little content and expect a lot back, you have to pile it on and keep at it to get the results you desire, which was where I fell behind and got lost. I didn’t leave myself enough time to push out enough content to keep on stirring up engagement and get myself a foothold with my target audience. The engagement I got was minimal, at best, and nonexistent on some platforms entirely. I stubbornly refused to use other peoples content because it felt lazy to me to do so, and I didn’t want to ride on the coattails of others and fall into this trap of being able to use what other people have produced and then fall out of motivation to produce anything myself, but in this day and age stealing content from other people to use on your page is fine, it’s what everyone does. Brands capitalise on memes, repost from people who use their products to make themselves look more authentic and approachable - it’s all part of the strategy of inserting yourself into an online community and getting a basis there to start pushing out your own content that they’ll then be more inclined to engage with. 

Though, this project wasn’t a huge flop - going wrong is just as important and valuable as getting something right. You learn from mistakes and adapt to correct them next time, and if I had more time on this project I would know exactly where to push it next to start to generate more engagement. I would just rapid fire more content, keep uploading and inserting myself into those spaces, follow a lot more pages, message a lot more people, comment on a lot more stuff, really make my presence known where I haven’t done so far. 

[aviewthroughtheclouds-blog]

starting out

Well this is my first post on my blog writing about my life, my views, and anything that happens to float through my brain (and my web browser).

Small disclaimer, if any of my views or my lifestyle choices offend you, please don’t feel any obligation to read this. A large part of starting my own blog is using this venue for creative expression and release while I transition to a new part of my life. Furthermore, I’m hoping to create a log of myself, my emotions, and what I’m thinking to look back on in a year (or maybe 20).

SOOO, that being said... A bit about me :-)

My name is Kat (hello and nice to meet you!!), and I’m an 18 year old originally from Texas

I recently graduated from high school and will be starting college fall 2017 at University of San Francisco (go dons!!)

Starting college in the fall I’ll be majoring in Performing Arts and Social Justice (PASJ) with a concentration in dance

Honestly I’ll do a separate post on my pre-college plans because there are A LOT

I come from a single parent household, my mom has raised me by herself since I was about six, and I’m the youngest of four kids. My grandfather, who has been one of the strongest and most loving men in my life, recently passed away. That’s been really hard to deal with.

I have three older brothers but really only communicate with one

I’ve been a dancer since the age of two, and dance is one of the most important things in my life and makes up a lot of who I am as an artist and a person. I love writing about dance, so hang-in if I start to ramble or post A BUNCH about it

I enjoy writing, even though I suspect that I may not be that great at it. This blog is partly to help facilitate some practice writing. And I love to write poetry!!! Maybe if I get the courage one day I’ll post a bit of poetry, but it’s a really personal and honest way for me to express my emotions.. so it doesn’t get read very much.

I’m a proud vegan and have been for about four years. I love living a plant based lifestyle and may write about it?

I am currently very single and identify as pansexual. To me, this means I feel attraction regardless of gender (hearts not parts yo), but I’m trying to focus on my goals and art form right now. Unfortunately, I’m also a hopeless romantic so that doesn’t always go as planned hahaha.

I am a music lover!! I think this largely ties back to dancing, but I will listen to about anything and constantly am listening to music. Maybe if I get techy enough I’ll make a blog playlist and figure out how to link it... pray for me

Along with dance, I love teaching and choreographing. There’s nothing like the thrill of creating a new piece of dance. 

I’m a bit of a nerd, and love to read. I’m not a part of a bunch of fandoms, but I am a die-hard Potterhead.

I am currently taking some time off from working for my last month of summer due to my grandpa’s death and moving and stuff. This is pretty weird for me, considering I’ve worked since I was 16 and have been working two jobs for the past year. We’ll see if I can figure out this “relaxing” thing...

I think I covered a good basis on who I am, although humans are too complex to be covered by simple labels. Hopefully by reading my blog and the posts to come, you’ll (or to me reading this in 2037) get a more accurate picture of who I am. I’m going to try and keep this blog largely my own original content, including writing, photos, dance videos, and whatever else I create. Here’s to you if you’re still reading this. 

Please know if you have any requests for post topics or any questions my ask box is open :-)

[tdrcycle09]

Rags To Riches Ball Part I: Unconventional Talent Category

In our first part of our Rags To Riches Ball, our queens had to create their own unconventional outfits using objects that made us gag! And, as an extra part on this category, the girls had to create a talent video. Let’s see how they do!

Analyse Thropic

Lila:  UGH! UGGGGGHHHHH! I am absolutely adoring this entire thing from head to toe. Every little piece has a detail, every little thought is so meticulously planned, and I live for it. Looking at this now, it’s no joke - what you’ve done in 7 months, across charm school, across this cycle, you’ve became this truly unstoppable force of powerhouse talent, and this outfit really stamps on the map how much you’ve progressed, from not even sewing at all, to becoming this powerhouse of DIY. Mary, I salute you.The ONLY THING - and it’s absolutely miniscule - your mushroom cut is doing the same as what happened to me - one of the hairs is flaring out making it off-kilter and once I noticed it, I’m like “ugh, this is glaring at me so much”. For your talent - I genuinely respect that you sat there, created a little scene and could master really singing without the camera’s audio clipping or distorting. You’re not the best singer, yes, but honestly, I was dancing to the song and having the occasional chuckle. I’m glad we didn’t get that stilted Weather Girl™ shot you’ve been criticised for in the past, and you kept me entertained for the entire video. I loved this, and you’re cementing yourself to be such a powerhouse in drag!

Letha:  Analyse, the amount of work and detail that went into this look is honestly astounding. The playing card skirt, the accessories, the little crown, even the little nails, it's all so great and is a smart use of them materials. I think the stole/wrap would have worked better if it was just a piece on the shoulders, as it kind of closes you off. The hair has such great volume but I think the structure fell apart a bit from when you initially styled it. I will say I'm not loving the shape you've created, as it's a bit boxy. Either more flare from the skirt or more cinch from the corset would have helped define the silhouette a bit more. The makeup is very graphic and cartoony and is some of your best work of the cycle, as far as blending goes. Your talent video was hilARIOUS and very on brand for you, very Quirky Dique Pigue. You have a good voice and the sing/speak style worked very well. All in all, you really impressed me with your work on this challenge!

Toni: 301’S ON THE BOTTOM I C O N I C!!!! I really like this look, I think it was smart to take a character for inspiration and build the look around that. I love that from head to toe you used unconventional materials, even down to the brows and nails, so props for creative use of uncon. I do wish you had a bit more shape and a bigger bottom skirt for this look because it really would have pushed that wow factor for me. I also think you could have benefited from a staff or a scepter The wig is a big rough on one side and I wish you had taken the time to fix that up. Onto your makeup I live that you used 301’s on the bottom, and cards as the brows.You did a good job of keeping your makeup from getting muddy but I do wish you had lined your lips with a darker color. Onto your talent I think you really picked a strong talent, along with a strong song choice that really showed off who you are as queen!! I think it could have been done with a little editing such as the parts where its like you jumping from conversation to conversation. You could have easily edited that to have a fade between each one just to have it make more sense.

Gluttoni:  This look is an ace Analyse and you look like a fucking QUEEN! This is the type of tedious, detailed work that makes fashion great.  And my sweet you look fucking great. I’m such a fan of classic fairytales and I’m obsessed with your nod to the Queen of Hearts. You really excel in whimsical fantasy looks. The hair looks very grand so congrats on the styling of that and the makeup with card accents are great tie ins to this extravagant look. All in all, I loved the styling of this look. The only this is that I compare it to past looks that have done exactly like this but otherwise this a finished, polished look. Your talent! WOW. I’m not too versed in musical culture besides the one that let me keep my gay card intact but miss lady, YOU DID THAT. I was fully immersed in what you were doing. The set up was simplistic yet effective and I loved the concept beyond words because we’ve all had that awkward Tinder date before. Excellent work in showing us the fact you are multitalented. You went off with these other girl’s head.

Avana Noir

Lila:  Wow. Wow, wow, wow. This is above and beyond, and I’m loving this concept a lot. It kind of has this twisted element of like Wonderland meets Final Fantasy meets the Cloud District, and the animals kill all the civillians and you’re killing your ex husband and the fucking full body shot of you with the blood - wow. The blood must be mine after this - that wig is not doing this concept any justice for me. It’s such a lovely colour and it’s those bangs. If you rat combed through it, really detangle it and get it as flat as you can, it would work - because the volume and the raggedy anne of it bar the bangs fit this concept super well, it’s just those bangs - you could’ve done an egg head dress if you wanted the illusion of it looking lace frontal-y and teased it out even more just so the volume stayed, but honestly - that’s just a nitpick. Overall, really cute and a great execution from yourself! Your talent was kind of a little bit here there and everywhere - I know how much of a videographer you are and editing is one of your strongest talents, and for me, there were standout moments, however there were still cracks in what could have otherwise been something really special and showcase-y. It reminds me of those really upclass OOTD videos that are on YouTube, and the only things that could be improved are the set dressing, and perhaps less shaky camera work. All in all, this was extremely fun to watch!

Letha: Hey bitch, it's Avana Noirrrrrrrrr!!!! You are serving straight up Playboy Easter Bunny, and the sex appeal works to balance out the shape of the middle, which could be argued is a bit bulky, but works as whole. I think a tiddy contour could have helped add some definition, though. I love the theme you went with, you better GET that Easter shit on clearance and make a look out of it. The makeup is fun, but a bit sloppy/messy in some places. I know you were going for a bit of a horror vibe here, but I think if there had been some sfx work over a flawless base it would have worked better than just smudging it. The wig is quite frankly a WRECK, but I like the nails and ears. I was confused a bit by your talent when I first saw it, but looking at it as an example of film it's pretty well done. Good job!

Toni:Lets start with your talent. BET. I thought that was a really smart way to do you talent and to give the judges a good look at your makeup and clothes. I love how in the first part you connected the first look to the second and then it had that huge mood shift. I wish you found a way to connect the second to the third because I think that was really cool and made it seem more professional.  I think that this look is really cool and super out of the box for you. It was smart to tack the easter supplies that were on sale and sue them that way you got more bang for your buck. I think you could have painted the nails to look like little carrots and that would have been really cool. You also needed some form of strap to really hold everything in place on your shoulders. I think the makeup is very cute and very fitting, but that wig is rough girl. I think if you had styled the bangs down to hide that harsh line you would have been better off. 

Gluttoni:  Avana! You made it my love. This look is fucking amazing. I love anything cute and dark and you are giving me that! I love that you are giving us Easter feels for this springtime finale. The easter egg bodice almost had me stumped when you mentioned it but you really turned it as far as construction and execution goes. This is very good look and you should be proud of all the work you put in this because it shows. Your talent left me wanting a little more. I get what you were going after but it really just didn’t hit me over the head with feels y’know?

Lexi Lamour

Lila:  Your pictures this week are a little hard to make out, but either way, your costuming is absolutely spot on. This is extremely amazing work, honestly. It shows how much effort you can really put into something and it’s just so great to see this crazy flower rainbow display. The colours work so well in this and it’s just an exciting mix. The only thing that I would really change is the hair’s length, the length is sort of swallowing you up and it would’ve been much more perfection if the hair was a little short or pinned up. Your talent was kind of hit-and-miss for me. I don’t brand myself a comedy queen but I’m an embarrassment and also tragique, but some of the jokes could’ve landed a lot better. The sound was kind of swallowing your recording up a lot more too - Some elements were just off and for me, really, the funniest part was at the end when you showed some goofiness. I think it’s because there’s not much of that crack into being “goofy” so the jokes come across rather as a story than jokes. All in all, this category was good for you.

Letha:  Lexi, a flower after my own heart. Obviously I love me a good flower look, and the way you combined both the flowers and the colors to make a rainbow is really great. I love the butterfly accents as well as the cloud/bird's nest, and the bright red hair is GREAT, it makes for a really cool gradient blend into the outfit. My only critique would be that the color of your tights kind of throws me, but I know how hard it can be to match them so that's understandable. I think the makeup is very pretty, but I feel like you could have done a bolder lip to keep up with the oomph of the rest of the outfit. For your standup comedy talent video, I must admit I wasn't the biggest fan. There were a couple funny parts and some clever editing choices but all in all it was pretty flat. All in all, it was kind of a mixed bag for me, but I do LOVE the look!

Toni:Hey Lexi! So I really love this body suit with all the flowers, I love the colors on the front but then you turn around and on the back it’s something totally different!!! I think you’ve accessorized it well with the cuff and the butterflies but I do wish there there was something going on towards the bottom because it does get a bit top heavy with the shoulder pads (that I do love). I think the hair is beautiful and really fits the look. Your makeup has improved so much over the cycle and I think I like the eye done with blue more than they one done with yellow and this face would have been perfect if you had done them both that way. Onto your talent that was really funny! I got a lot of good chuckles out of that and it was clear that this is something you’ve practiced and worked on. I think what could have helped this best is by letting the jokes breathe a little and putting more air time in it so that the audience has time to get the jokes. 

Gluttoni: Lexi, Lexi, LEXI! You are here to go out with motherfucking bang I see and I’m totally on board for it. You slayed crafting a look out of these materials and I couldn’t be more proud of your work. You look fantastic in red hair and the monarchs were an amazing touch. You look like a rainbow dream and the styling of this is something I didn’t quite expect from you but I must say I love it. Your talent is something else completely unexpected from you. I was on the floor laughing and I’m glad you can really make fun of yourself even through your trying time and that is the makings of a true queen.

Sugar Monroe

Lila:  This by far is one of your strongest outfits you’ve created. I believe what you’re selling, the plastic is such a great fabric and because it is layered, it gives this nice effect of white kind of fibery fabric. The pink colour scheme is such a fun look and the entire headpiece is such a fucking strong point of interest. With that being said, where are your backlighting photos? I’m a little let down that there isn’t a light feature that you promised us, but that’s besides the point. I’m proud of this look, I think you should be too. Your talent on the other hand, ehh, it was alright. Alright in a way that I was expecting kind of a little bit more effort of a tally of you getting it wrong or right, maybe seeing the lyrics on screen whilst you sing the songs you were asked to do. You have such a beautiful voice and I’m really glad you always give us a listen to it - you’ve really given us such a great insight into what you can do this cycle and I’m so proud to see you shine where you can stand.

Letha:  Sugar, I must say, of your three looks, this is the best put together, and my personal favorite. I would go so far as to say this is the most intricate one of your outfits has ever been. I wish you had done a pic with the tea lights more visible, as that would have been really cool (like in your runway), but I still really like it. Love the headpiece a lot, and the hair is simple but works well with the rest of the look. The makeup is also cute, I would've liked a bit more blending/softening around the edges of the eyes, though. For the talent portion, the singing was okay, but the organization of the video/editing was a bit of a mess. For about the last half, you're out of focus, which sucks, but at least the audio wasn't affected. With that in mind though, this is a solid submission and a testament to your growth throughout this cycle. Great job!

Toni: I think out of all your looks this one is easily my favorite. I think this is so beautiful and exciting to look at. It has so many different layers and textures, along with the lights, head piece, and styling of the with it all really just comes together for me. I really love this look from you. Onto your talent I think it was lacking a bit. The best parts of it for me was when you’d mess up and we’d get to see that spark of sugar humor, I loved that. I wish you had done more of that and just really worked your personality into this, or done another talent that had showcased your humor and personality it would have had a huge payoff. 

Gluttoni: Much like all the other judges have said this is by far your crown and glory of all your looks. This outshines your queen look in the terms of being regal and royal looking. You look fucking ethereal in all honestly. I think you’ve had a very smart mindset in how to use your unconventional materials because they are very well placed. The headpiece is so ornate and beautiful so the straight hair fits well. The makeup is so good. I’d personally would add one more lighter color to blend edges out of the pink on the eyes. The talent aspect was just a dry for me although your singing was good. I definitely think you brought it in this category. 

[abgovind-blog]

Journal 1: Here Goes Something..

I am me: 23 years old as of right now, due to graduate at the end of this semester, art student with about as much clarity about the future as a road sign without my glasses on, dry sense of humor, and in my comfort zone I have a big personality. I am a proud person. I take pride in where I come from and where I am, I am proud to call myself an American-born Malayalee of Orlando, FL. I have tremendous pride in my club Orlando City, and my school, UCF; especially her teams. I am proud to call myself a student of art, no matter how many tests faced by a tenuous self-belief.  My emotions run very deep and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel very hard for people no matter what framing or context the relationship has. I care for everyone that I meet and as a result, my emotions ride heavily on external happiness; enable others to have heavy sway over them. I am a very self-conscious person and prone to insecurity about many aspects about myself not meeting an ideal of myself I’ve created either from my own desires or expectations felt from others. With counseling, I am at a place where I can identify that I’ve been facing depression over the past few years, especially the past year. Over the course of that depression, my emotions often times get the best of me and have controlled me more than I’ve controlled them. The one which has the strongest grip on me is the ever-present feeling of self-doubt which I have known for as long as I can remember. That self-doubt, manifesting itself in anxiety, is rooted in a vicious cycle of emotions which builds me up then tears me back down only to be built back up again and repeat; devastating my sense of self-worth and therefore my ability to self-love. I’ve been fighting a fierce war within myself against that cycle, battling every day to understand myself and grow from and past it. The fighting has been hard and over the course of this proverbial war: with each hard-fought effort made to earn back a sense of peace, I’d be faced with another emotional downward spiral and feel back at square one.  Before long, this accursed war had devolved into a brutal stalemate, constantly repeating and battling with this cycle but seemingly not making any gains. With each repetition of the cycle though, I could not help but feel an increasing sense of shame with every loss and setback suffered, further fueling the vicious cycle. The depression set in when the shame, despair, and frustration gave way to feelings of hopelessness. I was tired of fighting and began to think maybe I was never going to get better. I felt my emotions would be the reason I’d be doomed to be alone: my constant cycles were too much of a burden to constantly be subjecting my friends to, let alone a partner. The truest relationship, be it platonic or romantic is being able to completely giving yourself to the person you’re in it with and be willing to grow together. My unstable emotions were my curse and its venom courses through my veins; even if I found a person that’d be willing to stomach the constant bombardment I felt within myself, what kind of a person would I be to force someone else in the trenches with me? I couldn’t dare ask someone that I’d care about, let alone someone I’d care for as deeply as a partner to have to suffer that weight. People have their limits for emotion, especially negative ones, and they can only take so much of another’s before it became too much and causes them an emotional imbalance. My deepest confidants are my close friends, so every time I’ve lost one; that fear of being too much a burden on others was realized and the pain would be unbearable.  When I felt, I had lost my best friend and her family last year though for that very reason; there is no word sufficient to describe how crestfallen I felt and I fell into the deepest darkness I’ve ever known. It entered my mind that this was my burden alone to suffer, that it is selfish of me to subject another to the real me; a ravaged, broken spirit. Though I was as open to talking with people as I had been before, I grew afraid to ever truly open up to anyone. In thinking that I was looking inwards for self-help and looking to love myself so I didn’t need the love of another, I effectively isolated myself from those closest to me and caused them pain, especially my best friend which, though I was not directly aware, I knew within myself my distance was hurting her just as it was hurting me. This isolation and denial of kept up going into the fall semester, but the strong resolve which I believed I went into the semester to focus on school work and handle my emotions quickly disintegrated with the mounting workload, stress, and setbacks common to the course of a semester. I suffered a severe loss in motivation which worsened with each passing day, to the point that I would skip lectures more times than I ever had in all my life in school combined. I struggled to get out of bed to start the day, let alone handle any sort of daily routine. By mid-term though, I found myself staggeringly behind in classwork in all of my classes, one of which I was so far behind that earning a passing grade became mathematically impossible. I felt disgust, I felt frustration, but most of all I felt shame; shame in letting my teachers down and disrespecting them by not fulfilling my duty as a student to give a 100% effort in the classroom, no matter what; shame that I was even doing this with teachers I had taken courses with before. I had started seeing the counselor by that point, but even in that, my efforts were lacking. But the blow of failing a class I was originally so confident about and being in a position where I potentially could’ve failed ALL of my classes was overwhelming. After almost 3 months, I managed to see my counselor for our second meeting, just before finals time. I had also received a solid kick in the pants from a good friend to help redirect the course of my life. Feeding off the energy given by these two, I was able to create a spark to fuel the dying embers and with some hard work (and very forgiving grading from my professors), I was able to pass my other 3 classes. Reading my final grades in myUCF, I felt something I hadn’t felt in quite some time; pride. After a long and punishing fall campaign, I had emerged victorious. I entered winter break mentally exhausted from what felt like an absolutely punishing semester. In addition to feeling emotionally drained, I had not worked very much during the summer and over the course of the semester, my financial situation had deteriorated greatly (though that eventually was remedied by the closing of my car accident case around October). I gave myself a week to rest before opening up to nearly full availability at work and just earning as much as I could, in large part to prepare for the coming spring, but also in small part to hopefully distract myself from any negativity which could sneak up on me. Times arose during the holidays in which darkness threatened but between work and resuming wand making near daily, I had found ways to keep my mind occupied such that the melancholy wouldn’t linger so pervasively. Through the darkest times of it all though, I had rediscovered my passion for making art once again, a flame which I felt I had lost in school: my wands. Without having to actively think about it, I found an outlet to channel my energy, good or bad. I found something I could take pride in again. I found my creativity. The tide is turning. Fast forward through to the present, each day remains a battle but I have my best friend at my side to remind me I’m not alone. I’ve began taking steps to improve myself both physically and mentally, and made sure to resume visiting the counselor as often as possible. I am making gains, though when the valleys arrive, they are still hard and the self-deprecating thoughts won some days over. Most of January has gone by and been forgotten though from the good that has come through February. Not only have my best friend and I returned to normal again; our bond has been tempered and tested through the strains it faced the past year. I’m ever grateful to have her with me through thick and thin. Seeing her happiness this month though as she takes a big step in her personal life has given me a joy I can hardly contain. More than happiness though, I found something else albeit momentarily, in sharing this moment with her that I haven’t known in the longest time. I found peace. I am me: I am Arjun Govindan, 23 years old coming on 24 in just over a week. I have demons which I’ve been fighting in a constant war with for most of my adult life, and some for even longer than that. I don’t have big dreams or a clear plan for my future, and my ambition has been questioned for most of my adult life. I am an emotional roller coaster who wears my heart on my sleeve, sometimes to a fault. I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression and they sometime get the better of me. I have issues that I don’t like about myself and that I feel like I burden the people around me with. I am me: I am Arjun Govindan. I love my family, friends to death and those who truly matter to me love me back and have my back even when I think they don’t. I am fiercely loyal to them and my ideals, even when I’m at my lowest point questioning myself to the most fundamental level. My dreams are relatively modest and humble, but my ambition is just as alive and present as the next person’s. I wear my emotions on my sleeve because I am a person who feels strongly and do not (and could not) hide how I feel even if I tried. I always give my damnest effort to understanding everyone and constantly strive to improve myself personally. I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression and even though they get the better of me sometimes, that’s okay because I’ve been fighting this internal war for a long time and I won’t win every battle. But just like with my insecurities, with school, with work, and with every bit of personal growth I’ve achieved up to this point; it’s all a process and I need to trust it. Even if that faith begins to waiver, even if I do lose some battles, take some missteps and fall on the field; I can take comfort knowing to my left and right, I have my best friends there to help me back up and remind me, I’m not alone in this. As long as I remember all of this, I have something I haven’t known at all for over a year. I have hope. I won’t give up.