#this should not even be a Problem actually i'm convinced i'll be able to read more or live more once i deactivate. but today isn't the day

[thematicparallel]

the fact is. no matter how many attempts i make to leave this blog i simply can't divorce myself from the persona cultivated through years and years of being online absorbing the ideals aesthetics worldviews etc fed to me like i Know it can be borderline voyeuristic to constantly analyze your place in the world or in this case the internet but also i've tried so so hard to be elsewhere but all those other places felt barren and unsatisfying

[spidybaby]

New streets

Summary: Trying to find your way into the streets of Barcelona by yourself for the first time is harder than you expected.

Warnings: none ❤️

Being new to the city was complicated. You moved from Tenerife to go to college in Barcelona, accepting Pedro's offer to move with him until you find your own place to stay.

You can't deny Barcelona was extraordinary, a city that has a lot of history, it's magical.

The problem is that you convinced yourself that you can start going out on your own without instructions.

When Pedro asked you to wait for him to arrive home so you could go to the market, you say no.

You already felt like a burden, having him drive you everywhere and not being able to do the same for him.

Fer even offer to take you and show you the streets, in any other occasion you'll say yes, but today you feel smart enough to do it alone.

"Estas segura?" (Are you sure?) Fer asked a little worried about you. "Si me dejas terminar con esto, te acompaño" (if you let me finish this, I'll go with you)

"Tranquilo Fer, voy rápido" (relax Fer, I'll be quick), you say, grabbing your things, ready to go. "Quieres que te traiga una Dr. Pepper?" (Want me to bring you a Dr. Pepper?")

"Por favor," he says, smiling. "Ten cuidado, cualquier cosa me llamas niña." (Be careful, call me if anything happens, kiddo.)

Once you're out of the house, you search on Google maps the closest market.

As you make your way down the street, you enjoy the views. Barcelona is breathtaking.

You were happy with how quickly you made it to the market.

Taking your phone to message Pedro, wanting to share your excitement with him.

(I know you're training and you'll see this later, but I have to tell you something 😋

I'm at the market, I got here alone and didn't get lost)

You block your phone and continue with your shopping spree, looking for the soda you said you were buying for Fer.

Your phone takes you out of your concentration when you are reading the back of a soda can.

("Hi baby ❤️ Actually I'm done with training.

😂😂😂😂 I'm happy for you"

"Do you want me to buy something for you?"

"No baby, I'm fine.

I'm noticing you're very close to the training camp. Do you want to come over here and then we go home?")

Not completely sure about it you Google the directions to get to where he was.

The trip to the market was easy due to it being an almost straight walk. The training camp was a more complicated way.

After a few minutes looking at the online map, you decide it was not that difficult, and you could do it.

("See you in a bit, I just have to pay, and I'm on my way. "

"I'll wait for you, please be careful")

You hurried with the last items and paid on a self checkout to be quick.

You followed the instructions as the map says, but you also decide to trust a little more than you should and text your friend.

After a few minutes, you noticed you were, in fact, not where you should be. You frown as the map says it's the right way, seconds mistake trusting that. You kept walking and texting, only losing the way more than before.

Ten minutes later and a different name on the streets as the gps says you begin to worry.

Not wanting to worry your boyfriend, you text Fernando.

("Remember I told you I was not going to get lost? ... Help")

You kept walking, trying to fix your mistake, little did you know you were making it worse.

("But 🤣🤣🤣🤣 you were getting five things at the supermarket, how did you end up lost?"

"Don't laugh at me, Fernando. I wanted to get over where your brother is, and I ended up lost"

"I can't help but laugh. Where are you right now?

"I don't know")

You tried to identify the streets to be able to tell where you were, no success.

The stress was getting over you, feeling dumb.

("Calm down, what stores are near you?"

"The Mercè library"

"You're on the other side of the camp, y/n")

The frustration was getting the best of you. Texting and walking on a road you didn't know was a bad choice.

The internal debate your mind was creating over two options, one, Fernando can give you instructions on how to take a bus or something, two, ask him what to do from now on.

Choosing the second option, you kept texting him.

("Any recommendations?"

"Yes, stay there and call Pedro, ask him to pick you up, please don't get lost.")

Sitting on a bench outside the library, you call your boyfriend.

"Preciosa, ya estas afuera?" (Baby, are you outside?)

"No, amor. Estoy por la biblioteca, del otro lado de donde estas." (No, love. I'm by the library on the other side of the city.)

"Qué pasó? Estas bien?" (What happened? Are you okay?)

"Si, estoy bien. Es que." (Yes, I'm fine. Is just.)

You doubt telling him the truth.

You know you don't have to be nervous over him knowing you're lost. Pedro would never judge you or make fun of you.

"Me perdí" (I got lost)

"Ay, mi amor. Esta bien, ahora voy por ti, quédate quieta que ya llego por ti." (Oh love, it's okay, I'm coming to get you, stay where you're I'm coming.)

You hang up after a small "Thank you."

Picking a candy from your grocery bag while waiting for him.

Your phone started ringing, it was Fer.

"Hola"

"Hola, llamaste a Pedro?" (Did you call Pedro?)

"Si, ya viene por mi, gracias." (Yes, he's coming to get me, thank you.)

Fernando senses the disappointment in your voice. As much as he wants to joke about it, he knows you wanted to do things on your own, not wanting to bother him or his brother.

"Ey no te pongas triste, es normal que esto pase, eres nueva en la ciudad y para ser tu primera vez sola no fue nada mal. Llegaste a la tienda por ti sola." (Hey, don't be sad. This is normal. You're new here, and for being your first time going alone, you did it great. You got to the market all by yourself.)

That makes you feel a little better.

"Gracias, te veo en un rato cuando Pedro y yo lleguemos." (Thank you, see you in a bit when Pedro and I get there.)

"Vale, los espero" (okay, I'll wait for you)

While you waited for your boyfriend to arrive, you saw the cars passing and finished your candy.

After a good ten minutes, you saw the black Maserati parking in front of you. Pedro pulled the window down smiling.

"Uber para la señorita más hermosa de España" (uber for the most beautiful lady in Spain)

You can't help the smile. He knows how to light up your mood.

"Gracias, pero no pedí un uber, de hecho estoy esperando a mi novio" (thank you, but I actually didn't order an Uber. I'm waiting for my boyfriend.)

"Bueno pero igual te puedo llevar, descuidado te deja esperando, te podrían robar" (well, I can still take you, careless dude, leaves you waiting someone could stole you)

You laugh and open the car door.

As you got in, he took the grocery bag and placed it onto the back seat.

"Hola preciosa," he says before kissing you.

The kiss was getting a little more heated than you expected, but the sound of a car horn made you separate but not before giving him a small kiss.

"Gracias por venir por mi" (thanks for coming for me)

You took his hand in yours and kissed the back of his hand.

"No agradezcas, mejor dime como acabaste hasta acá" (don't thank me, tell me how did you end over here?)

You tell him with details how you got lost. He laughed but did the same thing Fernando did, reassured you it was okay.

Once you arrived at his house he helped you with the grocery bag.

Fernando was waiting for the two of you with some dinner ready.

"La pequeña Dora la exploradora regreso de su aventura" (little Dora the explorer came back from adventure.) He says as he hugs you.

"No la molestes" (don't make fun of her)

Pedro tried not to laugh at the jokes his brother was saying, but even you were laughing.

"Sigue así y tomaras agua del bater, capullo" (keep up, and you'll drink toilet water, idiot). You laugh as you organize the groceries.

After helping with setting the table, the three of you ate and laughed at jokes Fernando was telling.

You offered to wash the dishes as Pedro took a shower and Fernando organize something in his room.

You were concentrated in the song that was playing in the background, but a pair of hands on your waist take you back to reality.

"Me alegro que estés bien y que lograras llegar a la tienda y ahora sabes también llegar a la biblioteca" (I'm happy you're okay and that you got to get to the market, now you know how to get to the library too) Pedro joke kissing your shoulder.

"Eres un pesado, amor" (you're an asshole, love), you laugh. "Tal vez para el partido llegue al camp nou por mi cuenta" (maybe for the match I'll get to Camp Nou by myself).

"Por ahora tratemos de quedarnos cerca, no quiero tener que parar el partido para ir por ti." (Let's get close for now, I don't want to have to stop the match to come get you) he jokes.

"Acepto" (deal), you say, tuning around to kiss him.

Just like the kiss in the car, this one was getting a little more heated than necessary, but you weren't complaining.

"Consigan un cuarto o pierdanse." (Get a room or get lost) Fernando joked.

You two laugh, hugging.

Even though your first experience by yourself was not the best, it was not bad at all. You had two boys who will do everything to protect you and you were thankful for both.

[himbeereule]

Орлёнок Demo Release

Finally, the demo is here! It's not exactly January anymore, but better late than never, right?

You can play it right here!

I also made a post on the CoG forums, if you want to check it out: Link

Features include:

Meeting your family! And getting bullied.

Getting executed!

Rising from the dead!

Celebrating life by slaughtering some rebels!

(Being extremely miserable!)

Feedback:

This is, quite obviously, a work in progress. It is made available so that you, the reader, can give feedback that improves the game.

So, while you can - and should - obviously tell me whatever you want, a specific list of what I need most in terms of feedback can be found here:

Language. English is not my first language (actually, not even my second one), and I mostly read non-fiction academic works when I read in English, so my writing is certainly not at the level it should be. If you have any concrete issues, please tell me, and I'll try to learn how it can be improved.

Spelling. I don't expect much in the way of outright errors, but I do know that I mix up British and American English all the time. The intended style is American English, so please point out spellings that are wrong in that regard.

Inconsistencies. There are a lot of variations between scenes, and I'd like to make the story as immersive as possible; so, if a phrasing, a character's behaviour etc. feel like they don't fit into the choices you previously made, please tell me. In detail, if possible, otherwise I won't be able to amend it.

Sensory descriptions. AuDHD makes my brain process sensations, including visual impressions, very differently, which means I often end up forgetting those exist. Please tell me about scenes that lack description in that regard. (My first grade elementary school report card called my writing 'efficient and devoid of feelings', and I'd very much like to move past that.)

Technical problems. The code should be pretty solid, but with how complicated it is, it'd be weird if there weren't at least some problems. If you find them, please try to include as much detail as possible when telling me about it. (CS Quicktest and Randomtest are not usable due to the complexity of the code, lol.)

You liking the story. I remain thoroughly convinced that I am a worthless person who isn't able to, nor deserves to create anything, and currently my only motivation to continue this project is derived from pure stubbornness. So, if you, for some reason, actually like this demo, please tell me. It won't change my mind about how bad I think it is, but it will force me to continue in order to avoid being even more of a disappointment.

Additions. If I like your idea, I'll probably add it right away; if I'm unsure, I'll do a poll. You can get me to do almost anything if you say you're sad if I don't do it.

Formatting. Although I try to playtest as much as possible, it's not that easy with how many variations there are, and in VS Code it's sometimes hard to see how well or badly readable text passages actually are.

CWs/TWs (v0.0.1):

Graphic violence and gore

Attempted sexual assault (against the player, avoidable, f!MC only; also against an NPC if massacre route is chosen (is dealt with quickly))

Suicide attempt (by the player, avoidable; f!MC only)

Loss of loved ones

Massacre of civilians and/or PoWs (avoidable)

General misery

(please let me know if you think this needs additions)

As of yet unfinished content:

Autistic variations do not exist yet for the latter part of the demo

Only one of three locations for taking a walk available for now

Tooltips are incomplete

Asexual is not available yet, as it requires a lot of additional scene variation text

Special (psychopath) routes are missing from some scenes as they were added late in development

Choices that are locked and marked as (WIP) are unfinished

Interaction routes for Semyon/Selena, Mikhail/Marina and Leon/Leah. They are top priority for the first set of updates

It is recommended that you play this with a stable state of mind. If you choose the suffering paths because it's relatable and/or as a coping strategy, please make sure you have support available and avoid triggering yourself too much.

The whole point of this game (apart from the dress-up part) is that, no matter how bad things get, you shouldn't stop fighting. It's your enemies who deserve destruction, not you.

Please keep in mind that I am both literally insane and pretty reasonable, so: if there is anything you find grossly offensive, don't assume I meant anything bad by it. Just explain to me why you think it shouldn't exist, and if I am convinced, I will amend it.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Fixing Gabriel's Writing via a Corruption Arc

Like it or not, Miraculous considers Gabriel Agreste to be a loving father. If he wasn't, then you wouldn't get things like the season five ending or this bit from Queen Wasp:

Gabriel: (guilt-ridden) I don't want to break our promise, but… I can't keep putting our son in danger. Style Queen was supposed to be my masterpiece… but even she failed. I feel like I've done all I possibly could, you know? I'll never be able to fulfill my wish without Ladybug and Cat Noir's Miraculous. (Scene shows Emilie in her coffin) Forgive me, Emilie. I'm giving you up, Nooroo.

But this side of him only shows up in big dramatic moments. When it comes to his more general writing, he's a full out cartoon villain and terrible parent, which is why I've said there's a lot of valid ways to write him. His character is wildly inconsistent. This is a problem that is easily fixed via an actual corruption arc where he goes from somewhat decent parent to monster. There's a couple ways to do this, but here's how I'd do it in the context of keeping canon mostly intact:

Early seasons needed to make Gabriel come across as more openly grief stricken. Really highlight the fact that Emilie's death changed something major about him and his relationship with his son. This is one of the reasons I like a more nuanced Chloe. If you let her and Adrien be actual friends, then you can have her make statements to indicate that Adrien used to be quite close with both of his parents and that Gabriel used to be a good father. You can also have Adrien make statements like this to Plagg, I just like the Chloe angle more as she's more blunt while Adrien is more likely to hide his pain/focus on the positives.

Have Gabriel be unwilling to send akumas to areas where Adrien is. Episodes like Riposte should be impossible as Gabriel will be wholly unwilling to let akumas go after his son. This also lets you justify Adrien being locked up. As is, Gabriel just comes across like a jerk. If he's only banning Adrien from going out in order to keep his son safe? Well, he's still a jerk, but at the very least, he's a jerk who worries about his son's physical well being. Origins saw Adrien sneaking out of the house, so keep that element and make this be the reason he gets caught up in akuma attacks.

As time goes on, Gabriel gets more desperate and more willing to take risks. Lots of things could trigger this such as Ladybug always resetting everything, making him feel less concerned about hurting others. After all, he'll fix everything with his wish and, if he fails, then Ladybug will do it for him. There's really no way to lose here. Style Queen could become a turning point where Gabriel finally willingly put Adrien at risk and he feels awful, but make that also be the closest he's ever come. Have Gabriel decided that risking Adrien is worth the cost if it brings them back Emilie.

After that, things start to go downhill. Gabriel draws away from his son more and more due to guilt, but he's convinced he's in the right because he wants Emilie back so bad. The ends justify the means and all that. This can lead into several different types of endings, but the general feeling of Gabriel's final ending should have an element of pity. He's a villain, but he's a villain many could easily become.

This is the kind of path canon needed to walk if they wanted the season five ending to feel realistic. As is, it's going to read as total nonsense to most fans because they're going to go off of the way Gabriel was played in your standard, monster-of-the-week episode. They're not going to think about those core characterization episodes that were supposed to define Gabriel because those episodes are just too uncommon and too antithetical to the way Gabriel tended to be written.

[stevie-petey]

hiiiiiii m! read s2 ep2 and i LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!!! <3 i actually am so relieved that steve reader friend divorce era is over......idk why but friendship breakups make me sadder than actual romantic breakups, partly because friendships themselves are so selfless and sort of by design the least selfish, or self interested you can be, with the benefit just being "we get to hang out!". i'm fascinated that steve forgave her so quickly as well, maybe because he's in a vulnerable spot right now (???), but i really did enjoy that reader was willing to make amends instead of sort of just digging an emotional hole for herself and exaccerbating the problem. i'm excited to see if she'll be as proactive down the line when things get more serious between them.

the way you handle nancy is interesting. i'm glad you don't shy away from reader being jealous of nancy and the attention of johnathan and steve and being pretty and rich, which omg, can drive full grown adults crazy, so why wouldn't a teen girl feel it, but also see nancy as like a full person? i also really appreciate your/reader's willingness to see both sides of the conflict, at least so far. a lot of people, from what i've seen, seem to view that night as a very traumatic night for steve where he got his heart broken, and that's true! it is! but it's also a night where nancy got blackout drunk from survivor's guilt that everyone around her told her to ignore in favour of just forgetting everything she experienced. that would make anyone upset! she probably does feel like her relationship is bs if it's main priority is not allowing her best friend's parents to find peace and move on! anyways, what i'm saying is that it's nice to have a realistic yet emotionally mature main character, and one who is so because they themselves are emotional and very in tune and self aware of them and others, instead of for just like, the plot vaguely, or because of modern sensibilities, no it's just an established and consistent part of her character, which is hard to do and it's so cool that you do it so well near constantly!

but i really was cheesing a lot like it just felt like a classic early 2000s CW show which is the high i'm constantly chasing. one tree hill season 1 episode i think 13 college party was very much the vibe i was getting. i should have been wearing cheetah print and leather and listening to the strokes as my friends convinced me that local basketball player was really the only guy who ~gets~ me. "i'll be" by edwin mccain plays in the background as we make eyecontact from across the room. you set the vibe, is what i'm trying to say.

billy was weirdo and creep and i'm happy he was acknowledged as such!!! not kidding when he came up to the reader i was also uncomfortable and it just had that very deeply horrible frat guy energy that makes every person subjected to it feel very objectified, and i think it's even more interesting that this is, from what i remember, one of the first time someone's shown outright interest in her, so i can imagine that that makes it even worse. i also sort of like the set up of johnathan defending her and steve holding him back, feels very much a great physical example of their position so far, with both johnathan playing a larger role in her life, as well as maybe signalling that johnathan's role as her protector, friend, confidant, all that is now passing onto steve's "hands", as steve's quite literally holding him. idk if that's too much i just had fun! and steve's final thoughts. my god. what an oblivious young man. the immediate jealousy and awe he feels.....his willingness to forgive....her promise to him as he confesses........both very moving and also amazed he hasn't realised his own feelings yet and excited that it will take him longer to do so. them making the promise together especially was so good, and such a good parallel to the one she and johnathan made in s1, and i'm excited to see if steve and r are able to uphold it better than johnathan was and how it'll serve to highlight the differences in their relationship.

very lengthy so my apologies, have a nice day and looking forward to ur next chapter!

hi angel !!

u touched on something SO BIG and i loooove discussing it: steve forgave reader so easily. and YES it was a bit ??? but later itll make sense. overall weve seen that steve just so genuinely trusts readers intentions with him, he never doubts her honesty and hes been pulled towards her since day 1, so of course he immediately was like “oh yeah we can be bffs again <3”. HOWEVER ,,,, this will play a huuuge role later (next chapter i believe). we’ll get more insight and steves vulnerability that night also def helped

and nancy !!! yes !!! i had to rewatch her scene with steve in the library a million times and i just felt horrible for them both. they want to help each other, and as ive said before about jonathan and reader, steve and nancy take care of people in opposite ways and it makes them clash. nancy wants to be proactive, steve wants to be more on the down low and tend to those he has already. hes accepted and moved on, nancy has moved on but hasnt accepted.

and as for the jonathan n steve scene i originally had jonathan holding steve back, but honestly it didnt feel right. jonathan, as much as he sucks sometimes, will ALWAYS be the first to defend y/n. every time he will. steve will too, but jonathan has that spot rn and hed rather die than let her get hurt </3

as for billy ,,,, so incredibly excited to flesh out his dynamic with reader. it wont be romantic in the slightest, but reader will have some insight into billys homelife due to max, and u bet she’ll use it against billy.

and im SO HAPPY the party scene felt real <333 thank u for the lovely asks i adore dissecting my chapters with yall its my <3333

[thewertsearch]

Asks Compilation 20/11 - 2

CC: I will need to connect after my goofball moirail does so I can keep my goggles on )(is nefarious escapades. [...] CC: Isnt t)(at w)(at youre doing too? Joining late to keep an eye on yours? GA: I Dont Know For A Fact That She Is Mine CC: )(a)(a youre not supposed to know for a FACT dummy! [...] GA: I Know GA: But What If I Dont Really Want Her To Be That

This initially sounded like Kanaya wasn't sure if she wanted any kind of relationship with Vriska, but in retrospect, it's clear she was just confused about the type of relationship she wanted.

The post quoted above is my analysis of Equius and Nepeta's relationship. We now know, more or less, the 'reason' that she puts up with him - but I'm still not convinced she should.

For sure - it would have highlighted their relationship as a moirallegiance a lot earlier than the comic did.

I probably wasn't going to guess that they were moirails, though - hell, I still probably wouldn't be able to guess it, if it hadn't been explicitly stated!

I think moirallegiance is romantic. It exists under the umbrella of troll romance, after all. I just think it's also platonic - a contradiction that would confuse a human, but would make perfect sense to a troll.

Not a problem! Shipping dynamics are confusing enough when we're just talking about one type of relationship.

'The Joker has a pitch crush on Batman' is not the take I expected to see in my inbox, but damn if it doesn't make sense.

Never mind. This is the take I needed to see.

I see it, and I'm never going to stop seeing it. Honestly, I'm not sure Ianthe is capable of any kind of relationship other than a pitch one.

This is so funny. Is Homestuck really enhancing my reading of The Locked Tomb to this degree? Is this really what we're doing now?

Oh my god, I didn't even think about Augustine and Mercymorn. What they have going on is a hot mess, and kismesissitude describes it perfectly.

Oh, damn. Muir really is a diehard fan, isn't she? I'll have to read her fics when I'm done.

Just for the record: Harrow and Palamedes are totally moirails, and he auspisticizes for her and Gideon in Canaan House. In this essay I will

See, I know what you meant, but I do love the idea that swearing is banned on Alternia.

Maybe that's why they use quirks? To get past Trollian's filtering? lmao

Doof and Perry are clearly moirails, with Perry as the pacifier. His calming influence is obvious, as Doof's 'villainy' gradually becomes more and more benign throughout the show, and their relationship becomes increasingly casual.

"they seem like very good moirails! :)"

I wonder what the demographics are around troll orientations, actually. It seems as if you can form a kismesis/matesprit pair with a troll of any gender, so maybe trolls are predominantly pansexual.

Honestly, these symbols are very useful. The quadrants are surrounded by an overwhelming amount of terminology, so it's good to have them as shorthand. Equius♦Nepeta, Kanaya♥Rose, etc.

Anonymous asked: Something interesting is that Equius's violent impulses are actually comparatively stable. He definitely has them, but he's managed to get a constructive outlet for them in the form of robot cage-matches. Compare the outright-genocidal CA, vriska's manipul8ion and crippling of Tavros + murder of all those other trolls, or to a certain extent Terezi's own love of carnage. The only trolls in the top half of the hemospectrum we've met who haven't demonstrated any 'violent urges' are Kanaya and Gamzee [...] Equius might be fucked up, but he has mechanisms and strategies to not take it out on anyone around him.

There's also CC, the only high-blood whose disposition remains a relative unknown. We've just been semi-officially introduced to her, though, so we'll probably be seeing more of her soon.

Anyway, you're right - Equius has his coping mechanisms, and the implication is that he could be a lot worse. We haven't seen Nepeta act as his moirail yet, but maybe she's been doing so offscreen.

Thank you! I'm pretty sure it boils down to the fact that the quadrant system is fairly complex, and I love that shit. Give me a set of rules, and I'll analyze the hell out them, every time.

This is something that Hussie has always been good at, both in Homestuck and Problem Sleuth - and it seems like it can even make shipping interesting to me.

To Gamzee, Equius is a friend with detriments.

To Equius, Gamzee is a friend with weird caste system baggage that he isn't sure how to deal with. Plus, he's clearly into him, although I can't figure out in which quadrant.

Yeah, I guess it's always possible that a 'typical' auspistice doesn't need much social ability. When you get right down to it, all you really need to do is keep the warring parties apart, so anything beyond that might cross the line into advanced auspisticism.

Maybe a 'meddler' like Kanaya is indeed a rarity, which would make per a particularly popular auspistice. Like I said, there aren't a lot of trolls around with a disposition like hers.

I haven't decided yet if I'll be liveblogging anything after Homestuck - but I've added it to the list of prospective projects. We'll see how I feel when Homestuck is finished with, in late 2034.

Yup - if we interpret a 'spadekind specialist' as a master of caliginous relationships, then Karkat's the one who fits the bill.

[kandovany]

Help?? I'm kinda having a crisis?

So I'm transgender FtM, and 18. I came out back in 2019 to my parents, they blew me off. I always told them I wasn't comfortable being who I am, since I was 6.

They always berated me.

Well my brother, came out as FtM too. He did it a week after my parents finally acknowledged my transition.

My parents completely blew me off, and congratulated him. My brother has always gotten the good end of the stick, since he's not 'troubled' like me.

He basically used me as a lab rat to test the waters and see if it was safe to come out. Now I wouldn't be pissed, if it wasn't for him telling my parents I'm quote 'Faking it' because I'm not as masculine as him? Gender is a spectrum sweetie.

Not just that, but because he's transgender too, he's convinced my parents that siblings can't be transgender. They can. It can be genetic.

I feel like this is a rat race where we're literally fighting for our parents attention. I fully support his transition. But I don't support the fact he'd throw me under the bus like this, to fend for himself. I barely got anything from our parents, I can't even go to college because they took my college fund. Meanwhile they'll fund his college fund. I'm an adult so I should probably just get over it, but when it comes to the other stuff they've been doing, which I'll discuss soon, we have a problem.

My parents are allowing him to transition. And paying for it out of their own pockets.

My parents told me when I came out (Keep in mind I was just as old as he is now) To basically pay for everything on my own, they're not accepting me, it's just a phase, and I can go live on the streets and be homeless.

I don't fucking know what to do at this point, because nobody in my family fucking accepts me.

To make matters worse, my psychotic Mother, decided to convince my psychiatrist that I'm not mentally stable enough to be in charge of MY own documentation. This means she's been going in, reading my notes, changing where I had my name CHANGED on documents, and accusing me of doing all this ludicrous shit. My mother shouldn't be able to do this considering she has diagnosed Mucheusen. Shouldn't that be a red flag? And I'm a ✨LEGAL FUCKING ADULT✨

Which no shame to people with mental disabilities, I'm just horrified what's going on.

She's made it out that I have schizophrenia and Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't.

But if someone can please give advice, I literally don't fucking know what to do.

I sometimes feel like her mislabeling me is taking away from people who ACTUALLY NEED MENTAL HEALTH and who's parents AREN'T JUST BATSHIT CRAZY. Like I know dozens of others that need this help, not me. I'm scared these labels she puts too, will also label these people badly.

[lazysailor]

50 Avery and Kayden

Avery opened his eyes and slowly sat up, his eyes slowly adjusted to his room as he woke up. He could see a white light outline against his curtains, it must've snowed overnight since it was around January now.

He got out of his bed and stretched before he went over to a mirror he kept in his room. He stared at himself in the mirror as his appearance changed, again.

He was able to convince his dad to get transplants from the bio-builder. He was able to get his arm and eye back, along with new skin to cover scars he had gotten.

It was a bit weird adjusting to using his arm again and having to use both of his eyes again, but surprisingly it has been easy for him to adjust too.

He leaves his room and heads downstairs towards the kitchen, as he went to open the fridge he noticed a note on the fridge.

‘Hey kid, I had to head out on a business trip. I'll try to be back soon as possible.’ The note read.

“Again.?” He quietly said to himself.

‘Ever since he stopped making transplants and switched over to software, he's been going out on so many business trips.’

Avery opens the fridge and takes an egg carton, he then takes out a couple eggs and puts them back in. He then gets out a pan and starts hearing it up.

After a few minutes he heard the front door open as he was cooking some scrambled eggs.

“Oh hey Kayden! How was hunting?” He asked her as she walked over to him.

“It was fine, I was able to get some rabbits but they'll only be good to make some food with.” She tells him as she grabs some eggs off of the pan and puts them on a plate.

She sits down at the counter as she starts eating the scrambled eggs.

‘Ever since Nathan offered to teach me how to hunt it's been a great pass time activity when I'm not busy.’

‘I was hesitant at first though..I couldn't really handle a gun after what happened with Tommie..’

‘But I've been able to not think about him as time went on and I was able to actually focus on hunting without thinking back to him.’

She finished her breakfast and put the plate and fork in the sink.

“Thanks Avery, they were good.” Kayden tells him.

“No problem, but jeez you need to learn to not eat that quickly.” He says to her.

“I was just hungry, that's all.” She says.

She walked out of the kitchen and headed upstairs, planning to wash off the smell she had gotten from hunting today..

..

She stood under the running hot water as she washed out anything that got into her hair this morning.

‘Maybe I should take a nap after this.’

‘At Least my sleep schedule has gotten better over the past few months, now I don't have to stay up all night or wake up really early.’

‘Now I can just take random naps throughout the day instead of having to be awake constantly.’

‘I wonder what I should do after night classes.?’

‘Unlike Avery, I somehow can't get myself a job.’

‘Well at least Nathan let us get a proper education after we came here.’

She finished up her shower and put on some more comfy clothes rather than heavy camouflaged clothes she had to wear earlier.

Kayden walked back into her room and shut her curtains, then turned on her fairy lights. Even though it had been only a few months she was able to litter her room with stuff she likes like band posters, stuffed animals, and her bass guitar that sat near the corner of her room.

She laid down on her comfy bed as sleep was already waiting for her. She moved her arm around the cat plush she had since she moved into Nathan’s house and fell into a comfortable slumber.

..

Avery waters a couple plants to keep himself busy. He decided to work at a plant shop because other than a couple fast food places, this was the only place that was open for hire, plus the job had a decent pay. He only had to work with two other people which was nice since he would much prefer that than a loud work environment.

As he was misting some plants, he couldn't help but overhear a news broadcast playing from a nearby tv.

“Have you heard the latest rumor surrounding the biobuilder?” The female reporter asks.

“No Kim, I haven't.” The male reporter answers.

“What is it?” He asks.

“Well this rumor talks about how in the future teens who were unwound in the past could be potentially brought back with the biobuilder.” She tells him.

“Really? But what if they end up like the rewinds that were rumored to be on Molokai?” The male reporter says.

The two reporters continued to talk to each other, but Avery stopped what he was doing as a thought came to his mind.

‘If that rumor about people being brought back, then could that mean Ryder could come back.?’

‘I mean if he ever came back, then it would probably be hard to find him.’

‘He would probably still hate me..’

Avery shook those thoughts out of his head and went back to focusing on his job.

At the end of shift as he's about to leave, he spots a pot of marigolds that seemed to not be there before.

“Did those come in today.?” He asks one of his co-workers.

“Yeah, they came in only a couple hours ago when you were on break.” His co-worker answers.

“Hm.” He hums.

He looks at the marigolds for a few moments.

‘I feel like Ryder would've liked these.’

He picked up the pot and brought it up to the counter.

“I'll get these then.” He says to his co-worker.

“Alrighty then.” His co-worker responds as they scan the barcode attached to the pot.

Avery then pays for the flowers and then walks out of his job, now having at least one thing to remind him of Ryder.

..

‘Hm, today's lesson was surprisingly easy.’ Kayden thought to herself as she left her class.

But then she feels someone grab her shoulder.

“Kayden! Wait for us!” Her friend, Robin says as her other friend Ethan is next to her.

‘Oh yeah, I actually have more friends now.’

‘I thought I would never be able to make any friends again.’

They all walked over to a nearby seating area so they could further talk to each other.

“So, when should be the next time we all practice together?” Robin asks them.

‘Our band, I remember Robin came up with the idea around last month since we all knew how to play instruments on a basic level.’

‘I learned some basic bass chords, Ethan knew how to play drums, and Robin knew how to sing and play guitar.’

“Well I'm fine with practicing anytime, the more we practice together, the more we'll be better as a band.” Ethan says.

“Yeah, I can agree with that.” Robin says.

Then Kayden suddenly came up with an idea.

“How about we work towards a goal?” She suggests.

“What do you think our goal should be?” Ethan asks.

“We should get good enough to the point we can perform at a gig!” Kayden tells them.

An excited look forms on both of their faces.

“That's a great idea Kayden!” Robin says.

“Yeah!” Ethan adds on.

‘They like it!’

A smile forms on Kaydens face.

‘I should definitely get some personal practice in later! I still have to get up to their level of good.’

..

Avery and Kayden both stare up into the night sky together as they sit on the deck. The sky was clear tonight which allowed the stars to shine in all of their glory.

She turns over to Avery and looks at him.

“Hey Avery, do you think our lives could've been different if we didn't meet each other.” She asks him.

He thought about it for a few moments.

“I probably would've gotten caught by the juveys quickly and been sent off to a harvest camp way earlier.” He tells her.

“What do you think would've happened if your brother ever made that fake order?” Avery asks her.

“My life would be boring like how it was before and I would still have to deal with my family.” She tells him.

“I wouldn't have been able to make any friends either, I couldn't make any before.” Kayden adds on.

“Yeah, our lives would've been totally different.” He says.

“Hey, do you have any dreams Kayden.?” He asks Kayden.

She thought about it for a few moments.

“I wanna try to become famous with my friends.” She says.

“Oh yeah, you're in a band now right?” He asks.

“Yeah, I am.” She answers.

“Do you have any dreams Avery.?” Kayden asks him.

“Yeah, I wanna finish school and go to college.” He starts off.

“Then after I graduate college I'll start a business where I sell plants and crops.” He adds on.

“That sounds nice.” She compliments.

They both smile at each other then they go back to staring at the peaceful night sky.

Their lives were finally on a normal track after two long years, even if it came with tragedy and loss.

As the end of unwinding becomes closer day after day, all the other people who were impacted by it would hopefully live in peace now like how Kayden and Avery were.

[kuromi-hoemie]

🌻

lol it being completely open ended to talk about whatever i want, i went on a tangent (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠) I'm putting it below the read more

i think.. it'll be funny, how when i move and finally say goodbye to this city, people on here who don't know we're in the same city will probably think “what that's where u lived?? why didn't you say anything sooner!!”

buddy i have been here for 8 years and completely lost faith in everyone here, this is a uniquely terrible area with somewhat friendly but extremely impersonal people and i don't care for it or anyone in it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't want someone to change my mind, I don't want to suddenly find what I'm looking for; I learned a lot professionally and about myself and life in general while living here but its time is up, the people here suck compared to literally every other place I've been to lmfao. I'm sure there's a few gems out there but they aren't worth what it takes to live around here.

when i was trying to figure out where i wanted to move next, I was going to give this place another year since that would arguably the best opportunity I'll have to enjoy it if i move somewhere cheaper (I've had a long complicated journey here).

but then i really thought about it, and being here — trying to chase happiness feels like swimming upstream towards something that's forever just out of reach. and then i thought about the city i decided I'll move to next, and there are so many people there who are always really happy to see me and always inviting me to stuff. and it's not just me, but they're all rly chill with each other and hang together too.

and it felt silly to think of suffering through another year here. why should i fight so hard to find what's already waiting for me somewhere else? life does not need to be this hard and i don't have to suffer another year here actually ✋🏾😭

very cool that i have some mutuals in the area who don't know this yet, but I'm not trying to spend an hour+ in traffic and have to pay to park just to hang out with them lol. wish i knew y'all like a year and a half ago but it's too late for me to really get attached to anything here.

there's literally (1) thing i care about in this city and it's the best friend i have. and being completely real, i love her very dearly but if i felt supported enough as i need from even one person here i wouldn't feel the need to leave. we talk thru text Sometimes very briefly, mostly to just send stuff to each other and ask about hanging out, and we hang like once a month or 1½ months.

like.... this is as good as it gets? 😐 there might be something better but it's going to take a significant amount of time, effort and frustration to find. and i just... do not think it's worth the effort, actually. sometimes taking the easier path is the correct choice.

I've made so so so many friends here that have all fizzled out. everyone I've become friends with will speak to you once a week or two or three maybe. MAYBE!! And it doesn't matter if you sent 1, 2 or 10 messages, it's not just a matter of where you are sending those messages, it doesn't matter what you are talking about or what you may need, you are just not hearing back from them. i could die here right now and no one would even begin to think something might be wrong with me for god knows how long, if ever.

so like. idk. i am extremely over this city and could not be convinced to stay. I'm the kind of person who needs to be talking to 2 or 3 friends every day, i need to be in one or two small but active group chats with people who are dear to me, I need to hang out at least twice a week at one of our places, i wanna go out to something together every two weeks at least.

it just seems like if i move somewhere where people take it a little slower and are more personal, I'll be able to get back into that kind of life i miss. it's so fucking easy to feel like the problem is me somehow until i drive like 25 miles away from here and suddenly the difference is like night and day (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠) like oh i don't suck actually, and I've become much more sure of that over the past year-ish i guess, but the problem still remains and i just have to suck it up until i leave.

also yeah I'll name drop it while I'm at it lol DO NOT MOVE TO SEATTLE 🙅🏾‍♀️ no one here drives, most people hang out in the pay to park/HEAVY traffic areas and everyone here is friendly but VERY very impersonal. if what you want is someone to hang out with every once in a while and to live a hermit lifestyle then it's probably perfect for u but if you want to meaningfully connect with your friends you are swimming upstream here do not do it. this city SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is the most trash ass city I've ever been to and I've been up and down the west coast and to other inland states!!!!!!!!! this is not normal!!!!! you people are not normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! people from here get pissy when you bring up the Seattle freeze but it's real actually you guys do suck supremely and anyone from any place with even a shred of warmth between people in its community can tell you that, and i can say that bc i remember how often I'd be willing to say hi back to people when i took public transit and they'd immediately clock that I'm not from here because No One wants to talk to them otherwise.

i don't know wtf the deal is here but i don't need to navigate it or fight it 🚶🏾‍♀️ I'm just moving to the kinda place you can both live and work in, which is what all the other places I've lived at have been like. I'm sorry y'all live like this and think it's normal, but i don't think locking yourself away for weeks at a time not talking to anyone because of depressive episodes and always feeling lonely is like.. normal.. it's not. and you genuinely do have a lot to be fairly depressed about, and so do i tbh and i fight it so fucking hard but I'm just removing myself from this 😶‍🌫️ good bye and good luck.

[slut4matty]

Old habits die screaming

Matty Healy and Taylor Swift have been rumored to have something going on for over a decade, when they finally both publicly announce their relationship, the shitstorm is huge. They break it off again shortly after. The only problem is: Taylor is still very much in love with Matty. What she doesn't know is that he feels the same.

"Sorry, I can't sleep", I texted my best friend Abigail. I had to let him go, for fuck's sake. I just can't stop thinking about him.

"Taylor, babe, it's 2 am and I have to be up early tomorrow. I can call you for 10 minutes, but I'm begging you, please let me sleep right after." Of course, she answered, she always does.

"No, it's alright, go back to sleep." I'm a grown woman, I can handle this.

"Abigail, I said, go back to sleep." "Taylor we've been best friend since forever, I'm always here for you, even at 2 am on a random Tuesday. Now tell me, what's going on? You're thinking about him again, aren't you?" Yes, of course I am, I just can't stop thinking about him. "Yeah. I just feel like I'm going crazy right now. We've been on and off for ages, but this time it feels different. I don't think he's coming back, Abigail." I can't imagine a life without him anymore. I've loved him for 10 fucking years, and I'm ready to love him for at least 10 more years. "Babe, don't you think it's time to move on? He has hurt you and your reputation a million times already, and it fucking hurts seeing you this miserable." My reputation. Why is everyone, including myself, so obsessed with this? "I know okay? I know. It's not that easy, though. I feel like, it's my fault he ghosted me. Don't try to blame him now, please, I would've done the same in his situation. Did you read the horrible things they said about him online? I can't imagine how this must feel like." It really is my fault, though, isn't it? But what could I have done differently? Should I have called them out on their behavior? I probably should have. "I understand that this is as hard for you as it must be for him right now, but what can you do? Please don't text him, Taylor! You're only hurting yourself if you do.", Abigail's voice sounds desperate. She knows how hard it is to convince me of something. "I won't. Please go back to sleep now. I'm sorry I woke you up in the first place.," I said in a defeated voice. "No worries, I couldn't sleep anyway", I know she's lying, "I hope I was able to help you a little. Good night, Tay, I love you so much." "I love you more, good night.," I said and hung up.

What now? As much as I love Abigail, this conversation didn't help much.

Writing. I should start writing again. It's my job, of course, but it's also the only healthy coping mechanism I could think of right now. I'm wide wake anyway, so what else could I do right now. I have started writing a song called "I can fix him (No really I can)" I want to do something the 1975 inspired because that's what this is all about of course. Matty Healy. Lead singer of the famous British band "the 1975" but also my decade long situationship. We met years ago, and I was obsessed with their music. He dedicated their song "Fallingforyou" to me once, so I'll dedicate a song to him now. No, fuck this, I'll write a whole album.

"They shake their heads saying, "God help her", when I tell them he's my man."

I hate all of this. Him leaving me because some assholes couldn't keep their mouths shut about my love life. He didn't do anything! At least he actually cared about me and wanted to fight for us, unlike some other ex-boyfriends of mine... Yes, he has made mistakes, but so have I. Nobody is perfect. I don't understand why everyone thinks I am? Matty left because he thought it would be the best for me. He couldn't have been more wrong. I hadn't had a good sleep in weeks and when I finally drift off into sleep he's all I dream about. He's quite literally haunting me right now. I wonder if he feels the same about me. Was any of this real to him, or was he disappointed when he finally had me after all these years of yearning? I know I promised Abigail I wouldn't text him again, but he deserves to know the truth.

"Hey Matty, are you up?", I sighed as I hit send. He's probably asleep anyway.

"Who's this? And how did you get my number?" Shit, I forgot that I got a new number, since the other one was leaked last week.

"Sorry, it's Taylor. I've got a new number. I didn't want to disturb you." I already know this was a bad idea, but it's too late now anyway.

"Hey, you didn't. I was still up. Has anything happened? I'll call my management."

"No, don't worry I just wanted to tell you, that I'm sorry for everything that's happened lately. I should've stood up for you, when my "fans" started attacking you like this."

"Don't worry, Taylor, it's fine." God, he sounds so distant. I don't even recognize him like this.

"No, Matty it's not, and you don't deserve any of this. I don't know why I texted you in the first place, but I just wanted to let you know, that it was real to me." I'm so stupid oh my god. He probably doesn't even care about me anymore. Otherwise, he couldn't have just ghosted me out of the blue, could he?

"Of course it was real to me too! I loved you, I loved you so very much, but this is all too much right now. I'm not good for you or your reputation. You're an amazing woman, and I'm not going to stand between you or your success." I can't do this anymore. He loved me. Past tense. It's really over. He's not coming back. Never. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. What was I even thinking? Of course, it's over, the whole world knows. Why did I think, this was a good idea?

"Thank you, Matty. I love you very much as well. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we both wished they would. Sleep well and have a good night.", I sent with tears forming in my eyes, and shut my phone off for good. I drifted off into a deep, uncomfortable sleep, filled with nightmares.

[nyx0090]

Sweetbitter: Golden Ice

Sweetbitter [Jake x Reader/OC]

Word Count: 11.053 (and pretty proud of it).

TW: +18, smut, unprotected sex, creampie, oral sex (f recieving), soft!Jake.

A/n: I think I made Jake's character more soft than actually intended but I like him like this too. I'm very proud of this work even if some parts don't exactly convince me bc it's the first work I manage to finish in years so.

It is edited but if still there are mistakes please excuse them. I hope you'll like it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a certain point every night seems the same: get changed, get the food, smile and be polite, change again and go home. But sometimes this normality, this routine, helps especially having lived many years running around cause mom and dad always had to get transferred for work and I never got to settle as I wanted. Never had friends that lasted more than a couple of weeks, maybe a month before I never heard from them again. Not being able to find secret spots or hang out with people my age, I was always present at important events and meeting.

“This is going to be useful for your future, you’ll have time for friends, maybe” this is what mom and dad always told me.

Stability is what I always longed for and now I got it, sometimes it's boring and sometimes it simply reminds me that this is what I wanted after running left and right in all America. After not being able to actually know someone.

To keep things interesting, I sang at a place, a wonderful jazz bar, the Golden Ice, once in a while, when they needed. I sang there all night, got a few free drinks, got changed and went back home. Getting away from the drama at the restaurant because I felt that the more I stayed away, the better.

Tonight was no different. I had to work at the restaurant and then grab my things and go sing for a while in a place that seemed a completely different world, and it kind of was compared to Home Bar. Or the restaurant.

I only had one problem, that little problem being a 5'9-man, black hair and many tattoos. Jake got "interest" (if it can be called that seeing who Jake is), apparently, in following me some nights when he probably was bored, had no one to get laid with and didn't want to Home Bar.

As if I wouldn’t notice.

I did not know the reason but all I knew is that his timing in ‘stalking’ was annoyingly impeccable. I mean I only went to two places: the jazz bar and a sort of library open 24/7 in which you enter only with a pass that is given to clients who are interested, grab a book and then decide if you stay there or want to go home. It’s like being in an office but you get to read and have a good time. And Jake always, always managed to follow me when I went to the bar.

Tonight, I had to sing right after the shift at the restaurant and had to fly there almost. And I knew, knowing my luck, that he would have followed me. Maybe I was being too sneaky and that just piqued his curiosity. All I knew was that he was annoying at how well he picked the nights I wanted to keep most secret.

I didn't want anyone at the restaurant to know about me singing. Don’t get me wrong it’s not because its them: I love that group of crazy coworkers I have but I considered it nothing special and I preferred no one to know anyway. That included Jake.

《So... how is the night going?》 Jake asked, cleaning a few glasses and starting drinks.

《As always: many clients, some bullshit and I can't wait to go home.》 I answered opening bottles and replacing some caps for Nicky and him to use later.

He shrugged and a small smirk lifted his lips.

《What about yours?》 I said in return placing the bottles back where they should be.

《Nothing much either. Will you come to Home Bar later?》 he suddenly asked.

《No, I'll just go home. I want to lay down and sleep so bad.》 I yawned to get the point across and hope he would go to Home Bar and not follow me.

He nodded before going back to prepare some drinks while I finished up the bottles.

Once finished I went to get some ice seeing they were running low on it. While I was getting that I already planned the path I had to walk to the bar and pick the one that would have a bar allow me to go out the back and get rid of Jake.

I went back upstairs and left the ice to Jake before going to the kitchen and go on with the same routine, bringing plates and being polite.

Jake's eyes kept following me through the night. I kind of understood what he wanted from me: he wanted a good fuck. Just like he did with everyone else. But I was not willing to give that. He might be handsome and attractive, but a pretty face was not enough for me.

Talking might have gotten him more far, but he didn't seem the type.

I didn't mind the ‘friendship’ we developed tho: joking, teasing sometimes and helping each other. Talking a bit during shifts and passing some alcohol under the table. Terrible jokes and playful insults. I liked that, it felt right for us.

At the end of the night, I changed in the outfit I would have worn to the jazz bar and covered it with my long black coat. October temperatures did not forgive already, and it was the perfect excuse. Once I was all covered up and ready to go, I headed downstairs.

《Bye guys! Have fun at Home Bar!》 I chirped, waving my way to the door.

《You're not coming with us? Come on!》 Ari said, already a bit tipsy as always.

《Sorry dear, I'm super tired tonight and don't have the right outfit anyway.》 I answered going up to her and hugging her.

Then I was off. After a few blocks I heard Jake following me.

'Perfect. Absolutely fucking perfect. How does he have such timing?' I thought. I started to walk faster towards my only saving way out of here.

When I entered the chaotic bar I spotted a dear friend of mine, Michelle, and she brought me to the back door without questions.

Jake could not follow me to the back from inside the bar and even if he got outside, he would have lost some time before catching up, giving me time to slip away to work.

As I went, I kept thinking how to approach him about it. It would be fun to see his face when I would ask why does he follow me. I smiled to myself before turning into an alley and going in through the back.

《There you are! I was worried something happened to you!》 came Ambra, a sweet 30 years old small woman, hugging me and cupping my face in her hands turning it left and right before hugging me again. She would have sung with me tonight as many other nights and she was already almost finished with her outfit and make-up.

《Had to get rid of my little friend.》 I shrugged as we went to my changing room to get make-up on.

《Why don't you just tell him if he seems so interested?》 Ambra questioned as I sat down in the chair.

《Cause I don't want people at work to know. I don't have to tell them anything - I defended – and besides he could just ask me instead of following me around like a creep.》 I concluded and closed my eyes as she applied my eye make-up. Then she went away to get the last things ready too and I finished by myself. Some time was saved having worn my dress before.

I wore another pair of shoes and just went off to the stage.

When we started to sing the small crowd of the bar started to cheer and we started to just have fun too. I was always a little nervous before a performance, no matter how many times I did it. And to be able to sing along side Ambra whom had the most beautiful voice was always a pleasure and an honor.

She was way more experienced than me for sure and yet never looked down on me for it. She was like a second mom to me or a big sister.

When the night was finished, and I got changed in a more comfortable outfit I went to the bar to bid goodnight to everyone and found my usual drink waiting for me as a thank you from the owner who work as a bartender there.

《Thank you Rick!》 I called out. He gave me a thumbs up as a response before finishing up with cleaning. When I was done, I got my things, said goodbye again and went home.

I got to a bus stop and waited for mine. While waiting and to make the time pass a bit faster, I put on my old earphones.

Soon the bright lights of the bus announced its arrival, I hopped on, ready for a pretty long ride. Usually from the restaurant I could go home walking, it was a bit long, but I could manage. From here was straight off too long and I did not had the energy.

.

The next day went pretty well. Running errands in the morning, taking a good long bath and then getting ready to work as always.

When I came in Jake was almost finished changing and I started to take off my jacket. I could see a mile away he wanted to ask me something, continuously looking behind his shoulder. But he couldn’t, I didn’t know nothing for him, and I said I always went home after work so what would there be to ask?

I had to stifle a giggle at how frustrated he looked when he went out. To go this much just so he could get laid seemed a bit much even for him. There were plenty of girls who he could hook up with.

‘Maybe he was just bored.’

I shrugged it off before finishing up and getting out. Luckly tonight I did not have to go anywhere so a good book and a cozy tea at home were awaiting me. Or maybe I could join humanity and go to Home Bar with the others.

I helped with putting down the tables, getting some saltshakers and the flowers watered to be sure they looked fresher.

Then the restaurant opened, and I got the coats to put away. It was probably the most relaxing task because it was a quiet space, but it always lasted way too little.

《Hey could you back up?》 Tess asked me, three plates already in hand. I immediately went to her and helped bringing the plates to the table.

《Have I seen you somewhere?》 one of the man at the table asked looking at me. Of course, he knew me being a fucking regular at the other bar.

'Could one thing go right?'

《I'm afraid you are mistaking me for someone else, sir.》 I politely answered, Tess eyes scrutinizing me.

I just kept looking at the men and when the silence became too long, I added 《Very well, enjoy your meal!》

We went away from the table. I had no time for this tonight, and I knew Tess was going to ask questions.

We weren't even into the kitchen when she started bombarding me

《Are you sure he was wrong or just didn't want to tell in front of me?》 she teased.

《No Tess, I don't know him. It must have been a genuine mistake.》 I said stopping at the bar and asking for a shot of rum.

《Oh, come on! He is pretty handsome too. What are you hiding?》 she kept teasing as I chugged down the liquid to get the edge off. It was going to be a stressful night then.

《Nothing Tess, I seriously don't know him! Never seen him in my life.》 I said getting back to work. Jake was nowhere to be found. Better.

In no time the whole kitchen and not knew about this slip up and I was done for. Everyone kept asking questions.

《He seems good for you. You know there is nothing bad with it right? You can tell us.》 Ari teased and Heather agreed.

《What you bitches talking about?》 came in Sasha who, extraordinarily, still did not know.

《Y/N's new man at table 14.》 Ari said with a smirk.

《Oh, my God. He is not my man, ok? I don't know him! He just has mistaken me for someone else!》

I said on the verge of asking the third or fourth rum of the night. And we were only halfway through the shift. A hand went down my face, exhausted.

Maybe no humanity or Home Bar tonight.

When I went out of the kitchen, I spotted Nicky and asked another shot of rum.

《You sure you're okay?》 he asked a bit worried about my alcohol consumption tonight. Usually I went to one, two shots three if it was a rough night but almost coming up to four or five was new for him.

《Yeah, simply everyone being absolutely exhausting about a man who mistook me for someone else.》 I answered 'honestly' drinking fast before Howard could catch me.

Right at that time the table I helped Tess earlier started to get up and towards us, giving me the number for the coat closet.

《Are you sure we haven't met before?》 he asked one more time taking his coat from my hands and wearing it.

《Absolutely positive sir.》 I said with a smile.

When they were gone, and I turned around Jake was watching me.

I wanted to crash my head in the nearest wall, now he is not going to let me be, ever.

《Do you know him?》 he asked as he cleaned some more glasses.

《Nope, never seen him. He got a crab thinking I was someone he knew.》

And with that I went away back to the kitchen. He kept boring holes for the rest of the night into my back and I was this close to punch him in the face.

Definitely no humanity or Home Bar.

‘Fuck it, I'm going home to tea and books.’

I thought as I got changed, fighting with the last three buttons of my shirt with my trembling hands.

《Oh, Lord》 I groaned still trying. ‘Why, why did I drink so much?’  At the end I managed to drink around seven shots. I was not drunk but definitely tipsy if I could not undo three damn buttons. I gave up and went to the small sink to splash a bit of water on my face to freshen up. It kind of worked, my hands were still trembling but at least I got out of my stirpes.

When I finished changing, Jake entered the room. I said nothing and went out with my much more comfortable long skirt and blouse on and my bag and coat in hand.

《I’m going home, bye guys.》 I announced near the door not getting anything anymore to drink. A chorus of ‘bye’s’ went with me out the door. I put on my long black, comfy coat and I was off to the library.

I took out my pass key at the door, swiped it and went in. I took a deep breath enjoy the smell of books and some aromatic candle still lingering after a whole day of burning.

The relaxing music underneath was very nice and helped get cozy. I went with some old novel, The Picture of Dorian Grey. I’ve read it many times now, but it was not the night to engage in some new reading, not with this much alcohol in me and so little concentration.

.

When I got up to go home and bring the book with me it was around 2 am so I called it a day. I left a little note for Martina for the next morning and went off. It was starting to really get cold in New York, so I wore my coat and made my way through an enormous crowd of people for it to be 2 am and somewhere I got a glimpse of Jake.

‘Nah, I must be wrong. I need to sleep’ but when I looked again there he was.

I tried my best to look away fast and concentrate to the task at hand – going home – as much as I could so he would not notice me but right at that time he turned around and made eye contact with me.

Now, he definitely saw me there.

‘Oh Lord. Really?’ I just ignored him and went on to my house to get that sleep I needed after maybe a few more chapters.

.

Needless to say, it was not a few more chapters. I finished the book and when I placed it on the side my alarm read 5.30 in the morning, and it should have went off at 7.

With a big headache I got up at 2 pm and got done what I could before taking a much-needed shower and preparing for work.

Once there I greeted everyone before going to the locker room and sitting on the sofa not before wetting my handkerchief and placing it over my eyes.

‘Damn headache. Never again am I reading that late or drinking that much.’

《Are you dead or what?》 Jake asked.

《For now I just am.》 I answered tiredly, my headache was not going to give me peace for the whole night.

I jolted when he closed his locker went away. I took off the wet thing from my eyes and changed too.

《Why were you out so late last night?》 he asked as I was going through the flowers. I smiled, expecting that question. I turned around, placed my hands on the counter separating us and looked him dead in the eyes.

《Why did you followed me like a creep two nights ago? And many nights before that too?》 he was stunned to say the least, his mouth hanging open like a fish. I took my mop bar and went away.

For the rest of the night we didn’t talk, just said coworker things. ‘We are running low on ice’, ‘Could you bring up a bottle Riesling’ and stuff like that.

At least he didn’t have that stupid grin on tonight, I, on the other hand, smiled like an idiot all night for this little success.

.

《You coming to Home Bar tonight?》 Heather asked as I sat down to take a Negroni. I looked down at my outfit – the

usual long skirt with a sweater this time – and back up at her.

《Don’t think I’m dressed appropriately for Home Bar but sure, why not?》 I said and cheers raised.

《Boring white woman is coming with us tonight.》 Sasha added above the chaos. I laughed, looking at them getting up and I chugged down what was left of my drink.

《It’s incredible how you never once skip asking me to come with you. Am I really that boring for your standards?》 I playfully inquired. Ari placed an arm around my shoulders, thinking about it.

《Maybe – she concluded – I mean you are probably super fun but we have never seen that side of you.》 she added.

《That hurt my feeling - I answered feigning hurt - when have I ever gave you guys the impression I'm not fun.》 I said. Ari and Heather looked at me up and down before answering.

《By the way you dress, for example.》 they said together.

《It's comfortable, you should try it.》 I retorted playfully.

《You never come to Home Bar or any other party, during shifts drink you take always the same thing and then you are off to sleep. Not even my grandma is that boring.》 Ari kept going on, the amused tone telling me she didn't mind one bit.

《Wow - I said - well I prefer I glass of wine at home rather than get waisted every night.》 I retorted again.

When we reached Home Bar everyone scattered everywhere: to dance, to drink, to do drugs and to fuck. I went to the bartender and asked again for a Negroni and a bottle of water. I got that to the table where Jake and Will were sitting and also Heather, but she got up and went away a couple of minutes prior.

I took a seat and started to drink looking at people dancing, drinking, making out, many probably high on drugs or drunk but they looked like they were enjoying themselves, a lot.

《I'm going to the bathroom.》 Will announced.

An awkward silence settled between me and Jake.

《Are you not asking me anymore questions now?》 I said still not looking at him. He kept silent so I turned around and looked at him.

《How did you find me out?》 he asked with confidence.

《Well it was very easy actually and if you are a stalker in your free time let me tell you: you suck, a lot. Change hobby, really.》 I said playfully. A small chuckle left his lips, and my eyes fell there for a second before going back to anywhere in the room.

《Why did you follow me tho? You could have asked instead of being a creep and scared the shit out of me the first time. I was about to call the police.》 I told him, more seriously this time.

《I got curious. Why did you never come with us to Home Bar or parties? Why you never stayed more than needed during shift drinks?》 he said. I looked at him not entirely convinced.

《Are you sure you simply weren't bored and decided to do something stupid?》 I offered. I was not really buying the curiosity thing. Knowing Jake there could have been a thousands more reasons but this one was the less convincing.

He shrugged looking around a bit too before asking again 《Would you have let me come with you if I asked?》 completely ignoring my question.

《No.》

《Why not?》

《What I do after work doesn't necessarily have to be your or anyone else's business. I can keep private some things.》 I snapped at him a bit.

《So you did know that man.》 he inquired. I looked at him shocked. If I didn't punch him tonight I would never again even try.

《Is this what all of this is about?》 I asked skeptically.

He didn't answer and I took a sip of my drink.

《Will you ever bring me with you where ever it is you go?》 he asked again.

《I don't understand why are you so curious. What if I do a simple second job as a waitress? There is nothing interesting about it.》 I said.

《You didn't answer my question.》 I looked at him up and down and remained silent. He says that? After all he deliberately didn't answer to me?

《From whom this comes - I retorted keeping the glass near my lips - and maybe. I don't take strangers around with me like it's nothing.》 I offered sincerely. He simply nodded. Sometime after Will came back from wherever he actually went, and I went to bid goodnight to all those I could find and headed back home hoping for the best.

.

For the next few days, we still talked very little. After that the ice started to crack and we started to talk a bit more, I went once more to Home Bar and we had fun talking and assuming about the people around us.

I had some more nights at Rick’s, and he didn’t follow which I took as a success.

《So, how are you doing?》 I asked him one night before the opening time while I was putting away glasses and bottles.

《I should be the one asking you.》 he answered cleaning some shakers and strainers.

I eyed him suspiciously, not understanding if it was an insult of some sorts.

《Have you slept one hour in… I don’t know, a week? You look like a panda.》 he answered not looking at me.

I was behind some hours of sleep having done some more shifts and staying up late more nights than I should have

reading but I didn’t think it showed that much.

《Oh. I thought I covered it enough.》 I whispered more to myself than him and he didn’t say anything else.

He didn't say anything after that.

During the shift I was a bit like a zombie, but I managed taking a pause when I felt on the verge of sleeping where I was standing. Like now, I was wetting my handkerchief to pass it on my face in hope it would wake me up when a locker was closed behind me and I jumped on the spot. When I turned around, I saw Jake and Simone.

《Are you alright?》 the blonde asked me.

《Yes, yes I'm fine. Running low on sleep.》 I said showing her the wet little thing in my hands. I went to sit down and placed it on my forehead and eyes.

《Could one of you stay here with me? I need just five minutes but wouldn't want to actually fall asleep.》 I asked hoping one of them could stay.

《Yes, of course.》 Simone answered me. I sighed and relaxed on the couch. Right when I did that, I felt sleep clawing my mind and body.

‘Yep, tonight no reading, no nothing. Just sleep.’

At a certain point someone lifted the wet cloth off my eyes, and I whined at the low light disturbing me. A whine left my lips as I tried to place it back down.

《Come on, you said five minutes and they are up.》 a deep voice talked from beside me. I cracked an eye open and scoffed, getting up and going to the sink to wash my face.

 《Are you sure you can keep going for three more hours like this?》 he asked looking at me and getting up too.

《I've been through it all this time, might as well finish it. Three hours are nothing really.》 I said. It would have been three more hours, but they will be done sooner that I can count so no need to get cut now.

《Everyone is tired, that does not entitle me to nothing. Besides I'm the reason for my own sleepiness so, no one to blame but oneself.》I added, sighing and squeezing the wet cloth before placing it in my locker to try and dry it off.

I took a deep breath before turning around and going off with Jake on my heel.

.

As expected, the three hours went on slow but not unbearably so and when I got finally changed, I flew out the restaurant bidding a quick goodnight.

When my apartment lock clicked behind me, I went immediately to the shower, taking a very quick one, and just went to bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was sound asleep.

The next day I woke up very late probably around 12, didn’t really looked at the clock and wandered around my apartment for my kitchen and some water. Decided to put on some music to wake up a bit and get some chores done before getting a better shower than last night and preparing for work. Tonight, I was excited since after it I had my day off and could not wait for it. I would be staying at home, or I would have gone to the library while the night I was going to Rick’s bar to talk a bit and see if he had some plans for me already for the next few weeks.

So, I spent the few hours I had left putting away some book and decided to make a run to the library to give back some books I had stacked at home for a while and that I finished.

《And this is the last one.》 I said to Martina with an apologetic tone. In total I had to return 20 books and when she saw me with a full bag, she was definitely not ready for this.

《Thank God. I thought they would never finish.》 she said sighing then placed the book in a basket behind her giving me the possibility to admire her beautiful ginger locks cascading on her back. She was a young girl, like me and she was breathtakingly beautiful, her mind sharp as a razor and sly as a fox. She was a great friend I made not too long after coming to New York.

《Sorry, been coming in mostly during the night.》 I explained to her folding my bag and placing it into another one.

《No wonder you look like shit.》 Ah, always so honest.

《Not the first time I hear it this week.》 I answered ready to go off to the restaurant.

《Must be true then. But seriously, take care.》 she said at the end.

《Will try. You too.》 I said and went off.

.

Right outside the restaurant Sasha and Ari were smoking something and offered me too, to which I declined. Ari scoffed and rolled her eyes while Sasha kept smoking, minding his businesses.

I then entered and went to change. As always, I gave a look at the flowers and rearranged them a bit if needed.

As always, it was a pretty good night, not many assholes, a lot of tips. Me and Jake talked a bit, joked and had our fun.  Until a client decided to be very rude with me and Heather, in front of Howard. I kept my mouth shut as tightly as I could knowing he would have taken care of everything when he sent me and Heather back to kitchen.

《I have no words! Did you hear what he said to us? In front of Howard no less – exclaimed her. I looked at her and just went on with my work. – Are not gonna say anything?》

《I’m trying to say nothing cause if I start I’m going out of here and kicking that idiot out myself.》 I answered. To be that stupid and not be able to see it by yourself it’s embarrassing. I took a deep breath and just went on with the night, we hadn’t much more, and I wanted to finish.

Now everything was going bad: the way I got down the steps, the song that was on, the way someone called me over for something. I felt on edge and a bath was going to remedy that a bit, I hoped.

As soon as the shift ended, I got changed at light speed, bid goodnight to who was there and went home. I almost didn’t even take off my shoes before going to the bathroom and start the water.

The steam raising and filling the bathroom was calming by itself. When I got in, I melted and for a second, I thought I would fallen asleep in there. In my mind popped up again the idiot of tonight and it was so disrespectful, I’m happy Howard was there and dealt with everything because that was simply unacceptable.

I shrugged it off and didn’t let it ruin my hot bath.

Then it was time for bed, so I got out of the tub, applied my skincare and went to bed without much else, just wanted to sleep it off.

- Three Months Later -

I liked so much winter in New York. It was cold and allowed me to wear longer skirts and my heavy black coat and I felt amazing wearing those.

In the past few weeks, me and Jake talked a lot, we hanged out. Not much, really, just a coffee here and there, going for breakfast or the shitty diners he loved so much.

After that I thought a lot, pondering on if I should have brought him with me to Rick’s.

It was clear that his invitations were made to not be a stranger anymore and even if I just scratched the surface. Then I decided I would have brought him along.

Hence why I wrote the bar name and the address to the bar in the morning, looking at that piece of paper and giving it my very last thoughts. I still had time since he knew nothing. He really tried and I saw that even if he came along it would not have been so bad. When it was time to go out, I took that little note I put extra care in writing for some silly motive and went to the restaurant.

I got changed quickly and placed the note in the pocket of my pants. I would have given that to him at some point of the shift or before going home.

‘Maybe.’

《Don’t make me regret this. 》I whispered to him as I handed the small piece of paper. He looked intrigued and just slipped it in his pocket, a smirk on his face. I rolled my eyes and went on with work, feeling vaguely nervous. It was the first time ever someone heard me sing, well, someone I knew. At home my family knew of this, and I always liked to sing for them but here in New York I had no one close to me to that point and so no one knew. Only Howard because sometimes I needed to go out early and he had to know, so it was for strictly professional reasons.

When I got changed into the outfit for the night to save time when I could my hands were a bit sweaty.

‘Oh, come on. I sing in front of so many people every night and I’m getting nervous about a pretty boy. This is ridiculous.’

《Good night everyone!》 I said taking my shot of rum fast since I already had my coat on and closed. 

《Night!》 everyone shouted as I got out. I went out fast no seeing Jake.

‘I mean maybe he would not have come.’

I stopped for a second thinking about the fact that he could already have something else to do or simply did not accept my invitation. So, I was getting nervous for nothing. It left a slightly bitter taste on my tongue after all the hanging out for him to not come.

I shrugged it off. It was silly, was it not me this morning who still had doubts about asking him? It’s only fair if he doesn’t come.

I started to walk since I had not time to lose. After a few blocks I noticed someone following me and a silly smile made its way on my face. I stopped to let him catch up to me.

《I already informed you how you are absolutely shit in stalking right?》 I asked in a playful tone.

《Well this time I have an invitation.》 he said smirking, waiving into my face the same note I gave him a couple of hours ago.

《And didn’t I say to not make me regret it?》 I said glaring at him. I took advantage to check how he was dressed: he had a nice white shirt on, no tie, with the first couple of button undone. Black pants and a nice pair of shoes.

《You did not came in tonight dressed like this. Where did you get these clothes?》 I asked while looking at the red light waiting for it to turn green and also at the display of my phone to be sure I was on time.

《Kept them in the locker hoping you would invite me.》 he answered honestly and at that moment the light turned green not giving me the possibility to look at him as all the people started to move, pushing me into doing the same.

Soon enough, we were at the bar. He went in from the front and I got in from the back. As soon as the door of our changing room closed the warm voice of Ambra accompanied me, asking me how work was.

《Good. We have a special guest tonight.》 I said while applying mascara.

She stopped everything she was doing and turned to look at me since special guest might have meat anything really.

When I didn’t turn around to look at her and simply went on its like something clicked.

《Is it the boy?》 she asked, gasping excitedly.

《It is him.》 I answered happy to see her this exited. She squealed like a puppy toy and went into hugging me and jumping around.

《You know I just invited him here to hear me sing right? Nothing else.》 I told her applying the blush and going to grab my lipstick. She looked at me up and down, stopping her celebration all together.

《Famous last words.》 she coughed before going to sit back down. I rolled my eyes and gave her that finishing upvmy make up and ccurling my hair before putting them up. When I went to get up and went to the door, she stopped me.

《Oh no, no, no. You are not wearing that. – she said looking at my dress. It was old and worn out, the rich brown color a bit faded and I used it since I started to work here. It was a piece of my mum I always kept with me, but I also understood it looked like its age – I have the perfect dress for you.》 she said going through her own wardrobe to take out a deep purple dress. It had a layer of black at the end of the skirt were the rich purple silk-like fabric turned chiffon. And it added a lot of dimension. It was a bit longer than my usual dress, this one practically at the floor. The back was cut very low, no straps and a bold neckline too. I undid my hair leaving them down and moving the line to one side, letting them brush behind my back and all over one of my shoulder, the other one free.

《It’s a while I wanted to give you this dress. After a couple of kids my body has definitely changed, and I gained some weight too – she added with a giggle. She was still slaying, and she knew – so I’m giving it to you. I wouldn’t fit into it anymore even if I tired.》 she reassured me even before I spoke.

《Are you sure? It’s so beautiful. I mean you could get it fitted.》 I kept looking at the mirror absolutely mesmerized by the sight of myself: I looked absolutely beautiful.

《It would cost me more than buying another dress. Beside that was never really my color anyway.》 she said finishing herself up too. She was wearing a black dress with some blue accents, her short black hair curled, framing her sweet face.

And then we were off to the stage to sing.

The sweet, beautiful notes of Wake Up Alone started to play introduced by Ambra. Then I took on. We kept on switching during the song, the ladies doing the back voices doing a great job as always.

We sang for the whole night while I tried to spot Jake in the bar and not finding him. Disappointment made its way in me and took a hold of my heart, but I tried to not think about it. I was beautiful, the night was beautiful and I was singing. Nothing else counted right now.

When we were done with the live singing, I felt light so me and Ambra went laughing at the bar and asked Rick for something to drink. Ambra was telling me something, but I was only half listening, looking for Jake around the place.

《Good evening.》 Jakes voice called from behind us. We both turned around, and I looked at him, honestly a bit surprised he was still here since I could not make him out in the small, crowded place.

《Hey. – I could feel Ambra shift beside me wanting to say something but refraining – so, what do you think? As interesting as you thought it would be?》 I asked while leaning back a bit on the counter behind me, taking a sip of my drink. He took a small step forward, checking me out.

《I understand why you never said this to anybody, for sure – he answered – and if I have to be honest it’s more interesting than I expected.》 he concluded.

《I’m happy you liked it. It goes without saying that I would prefer if this stayed between me and you, yes?》 I told him finishing my drink. He simply nodded looking around, absorbing the place.

《In how much does your shift ends?》 he raised him voice a bit, the music starting now a bit loud to talk normally.

《Not much more actually but before – I said getting up and turning to Ambra, offering her a dance – I promised this beautiful lady a dance. If it gets too late or you get bored feel free to go home whenever you want.》 I told him. Then a silly smile was on my face as Ambra followed me hand in hand in the crowd to dance a bit.

《Is that him?》 she exclaimed. I nodded and spun her around.

《Girl. That is a fine young man over there.》 she said and I agreed with her. Jake was handsome for sure, and he did show interest in this 《I hope he will not get distant now that he knows.》 I sighed. She gave me a smile and a few pats on my back. Then we had to hop back on stage for a bit more live singing.

《Thank you as always ladies. Great night tonight too.》 Rick complimented as me and Ambra went to say goodbye.

《Thank you too Rick. It’s a pleasure to sing in such a place.》 Ambra said and I agreed. After that we bid our goodnights and went out.

Jake was waiting for me outside and when Ambra spotted him she elbowed me not so delicately to which I glared at her and she looked at me apologetically, giving me a big hug and winking at me. I sighed at that and said bye to her too.

《You have a great voice by the way.》 he said at a certain point while we were walking.

《Thank you. Been singing since I was a child, so I brought that with me. Something familiar to rely on – I confessed to him – and where exactly are we going?》 I asked noticing we were going back to the restaurant.

《Home?》 he obviously stated.

《No shit Sherlock, I’m going to mine and you to yours.》 I stated. Once we were in front of it, we stopped.

《Goodnight then.》 he said. I nodded and bid him goodnight one last time. I turned around and took a few steps before turning back again to look at him skeptically to which he looked at me confused.

《Are you going to follow me?》 I asked. He simply smirked saying 《I’ll keep you on your toes.》 turning around and walking away.

A confused smile made its way on my face and after a second, I walked away back home.

.

Since that night me and Jake became even more close. We started hanging out even more, going to places that meant more for both of us, talking a bit of ourselves, not much, especially him but he tried. He just needed someone to talk to, he needed to be listened, and I just did that.

One night he took me to a bar he loved, pretty secluded and that didn’t have a lot of people, but the atmosphere was nice and calming. The place was beautiful too: an old bar that had a very French style in dark colors and a lot of wood, its smell still lingering in the air along with other sweet scents and faint alcohol. The drinks were amazing, and we had a great time talking about our interests, what we liked and what we didn’t like. The books we read, the artists we admire and our favorite drinks while we were there. Then he accompanied me back home where we parted.

In return, and since we both liked to read a lot from what I gathered, I showed him the library. We went there after a rough night and took a book each, sitting down while I made some tea for the both of us and started reading, appreciating each other’s company. When it started to get very late, we took the books and went out talking about what we read these past hours.

Soon I realized that I didn’t mind passing my time with him and a bit later I accepted I was starting to have feelings for him. Once we used our day off to get a backpack to go to Cold Spring, a beautiful town I wanted to visit for a while, and it was not even that far from New York.

That morning, we took a train at 5, so early that it had very few people in it, granting silence to which both me and Jake fell asleep listening to music. The train ride was about an hour, so we didn’t get that much rest but was better than nothing.

We were both dressed comfortably, him with trousers and a sweater and I opted for a more appropriate outfit for walking lot too with a pair of pants and a jumper. I also choose a different coat than the one I wore in the city, opting for a knee-length dark grey one that kept me very warm. When we got off the first thing we did was to find a bar in which we could have breakfast.

The day was about going around as much as possible, so we visited the many churches and appreciated the beauty of them taking many photos, me with my sad phone camera while Jake had his camera with him and took most certainly much better photos than me.

《Will you send me the photos you took later?》 I asked while he was taking another. He nodded and we went on.

It was almost lunch time, so we looked for a parc that was not too crowded and then started to eat in silence. I loved the smell of nature and the bird singing.

While we were still in the town, we also went to a bookstore and grabbed a souvenir: I bought a couple of books, a notebook and a bookmark and he got only the books.

Then it was time to go to the lake. We took a long stroll in the small forest surrounding it and my mind went to much warmer weather where I could come here again and take a bath, or even rent an apartment for a couple of days to disconnect from the city. If he wanted, he could come too, a bit of company would not be that bad. The stroll took longer than anticipated and when we went back in town to look for a nice place to have dinner it was already dark even if it was only around 6 pm.

The temperature dropped drastically, and we opted for a place where we could stay as long as possible to get warm. Between a chat and a warm meal, it was already 9 so we decided to go for the last walk and look at some of the decorative light still hanging from Christmas celebrations.

The streets were more crowded than during the day, so Jake offered me his arm which I took happily, and we walked some more.

Soon it became colder and darker, so we choose to call it a day and go take the train. It was around 10:30 when we took our and we should have been back by midnight.

《Did you had fun today?》 I asked tiredly, yawning right after and getting comfortable in my seat.

《Yes it was very nice, and I took good pictures too.》 he answered going through said photos a bit.

《Mhm, I’m glad.》 I whispered before I dozed off but couldn’t fall asleep. I kept going from asleep to waking up a bit and look around to understand where we were from out of the window.

《Hey, we have to get off.》 a voice called, pulling my arm a bit to get me to wake up. I whined and got a bit more comfortable.

‘Not now that I finally fell asleep…’ another thug made me open my eyes to glare at the source to find Jake. A bit dizzy and confused I got up letting him lead the way, dragging me out with my hand in his.

When we got out of the train cold air surrounded me unexpectedly. I went right away to close my coat better.

Jake dragged me out the station and into the city. Sleep and dizziness didn’t let go of me and noticing it, he slowly walked me home even if I didn’t realize it until I was at my front door and he asked 《Where are your keys?》 to which I looked at him and opened my backpack, muscle memory of where I always put my keys when I had it kicking in.

Jake made me the favor of opening the door of my apartment for me and lightly pushing me in. I took off my coat slowly and then went for my shoes. When I finally got them off, I went for my bed and just let myself fall on it.

I adjusted my body to a more comfortable position and right when I was falling asleep, I heard the door of my apartment close softly.

.

The next morning, I woke up late. Yesterday was a long day even if I had a lot of fun and it’s been a while since I last made such a trip. When I went to the kitchen a small note was waiting for me on the table. I started to prepare a coffee and then took the small piece of paper.

I left your keys at the entrance.

-Jake

I folded it back and placed it in a stack of notes in my desk. After my coffee I took all the things I brought with me yesterday from the backpack and placed them back where they should be, loading the dishwasher and starting the washing machine.

With some music in the background, I started to read a book, the one I got that night with Jake at the library. The ones I bought yesterday must wait until I finish this one.

And so, between music and books, it was time to go back to work.

《I heard you went out of city yesterday?》 Simone told me while I changed.

《Mm? Oh yeah, wanted to go out of New York for a while now and yesterday was the perfect day to do so.》 I answered nonchalantly, wearing my pants.

A long pause stretched between us. I had nothing else to say really so I just kept quiet but apparently, she wanted to press on.

《And did you went alone?》

《Simone – I called her out with a flat tone – if you already know I did not went alone don’t ask and if it bothers you just tell me.》 I said, buttoning up my stripes.

《It doesn’t bother me, was just asking.》 she replied.

 I didn’t understand what the point was if the first thing Jake did was run to her and tell her everything. I liked Simone as long as she didn’t put her nose in my business which happened more often now that me and Jake were hanging out.

And I didn’t like that. But she seemed off, been like this for a while now.

I closed my locker and went out, right in that moment Jake was coming up and I gave him a small smile.

《Thank you for the keys. And the note.》

《No problem.》

And I was off.

The night went on well as expected. It was like I never got a day off and of course I was updated on all the latest gossip by Ari and Sasha.

As always, we laughed a lot, and I felt like the restaurant was more wholesome. So tonight, I smiled more, I was more polite and even warmer with the guests. It felt a bit like home. And under certain lights it was.

.

《I don’t know why I prefer rum, okay? I just do.》 I said to Jake as I sat on the counter with the drink he just did in hand.

《There has to be some sort of reason. It’s like a drink: you have reasons of why you prefer a certain drink rather than another.》 he said as he poured his own drink.

《Ah! That is not true, in a drink you mix different flavors, so the alcohol is blended in them.》 I corrected him taking a sip of my very well done Negroni. He shrugged and started to drink his own, leaning on the counter next to me.

A long, comfortable silence stretched on as I listened to the music in the background and just swung my feet to the bits of an ending song. When the first notes of Koop Island Blues started, I drank a bit more before getting up and dragging Jake with me.

《Don’t care if you don’t dance. You do now.》 I said taking his hand and placing it on my waist while I placed mine on his shoulder. He smirked before pulling me closer and I felt my cheeks grow warm, butterflies raising in my stomach. And then we started dancing slowly to the song. I looked at him in the eyes for the whole time and I got lost in them. Maybe it was the drink, maybe the nice night at work, maybe something else but for a bit everything disappeared, it was just me and him, dancing and drinking. And it felt good, dreamy. In my life I’ve never felt this close with someone else.

I had nights that felt like a dream, friends by my side as we danced all night, but I never had experienced something so different and almost intimate by just looking at each other, fully clothed, dancing. And we were just dancing, that’s what made it so beautiful. He spun me a couple of times, and when I was back, he pulled me closer, just a bit, his hand going more to the center of my back, and butterflies would rise all over again. And I knew that it could be not right but at the same time it was okay. I cared for him deeply and I trusted him, hopefully he trusted me too. Sometime during the dance, I brought both my hands on his shoulders, and his hand found my waist. He caressed that part before hugging me, never stopping the dance. I hugged him too, sighing in content.

Then he pulled away, kissing my cheek and looking deeply into my eyes, getting slightly closer, his eyes slipping to my lips a few times.

When our mouths touched, we both melted in the contact. After a bit his hands took a hold of my hips before he lifted me to wrap my legs around his waist and walked towards the counter, placing me there so I could sit, never pulling away once. His hands went everywhere, my back, my legs covered by the long, light skirt, my arms and hands which he also kissed before going back to my mouth and deepening the kiss, pulling me impossibly close.

As he pulled away so we could both catch our breath I caressed the nape of his neck, keeping my eyes closed and just relishing in the moment.

A moan got caught in my throat when he kissed me again, slowly this time.

I felt myself becoming wet and hot when I felt his erection press up against me, a whine getting caught in his own throat. He lifted me up again, his mouth moving to my neck too 《Bedroom.》 he whispered in my ear before biting the skin on my neck.

《F-first on the left.》 I answered impatiently. He found it without any problem and before I knew I was laying in my bed while he looked down at me taking his shirt off and unbuckling his belt.

In a moment he was by my side, his pants still on, as he had me on his lap, taking my dress off, slowly sliding off the short sleeves. I was wearing nothing underneath because I was more comfortable like that around the house and I felt self-conscious, my hands going to cover up my chest and my legs closing for how much they could. Jake smiled at me and took my arms kissing them before bringing both over his shoulders and kissing my neck again, going lower this time. When he was at my breast he kissed them, took them in his hands, played with them until I was completely out of breath, running my fingers through his hair.

Before I could realize I was lying again in my bed, his lips on mine before going down again, kissing my neck, my shoulders, my breasts again, my stomach and then jumping to my thighs, starting from the knee before going up, biting softly the skin and sending shivers down my spine. I was panting when he kissed under my stomach again.

A gasp left me when he kissed my clit, licking a long, slow stripe from my entrance and up. His hands went to my hips in the attempt of hold me still.  

He unhurriedly increased the pace and when I looked down, he was already looking at me. I moaned before my hand went to his hair trying to steady myself from the pleasure. A low moan came from the back of his throat and my grip tightened.

《J-Jake… Jake, I- you-》 I stuttered but my point got across for he pulled me closer and dove deeper, making me arch my back and moan his name. Soon I came and he kept going through my high, licking me more sensually and sometimes kissing my thighs.

He returned his lips on mine and my neck before he undressed himself of his remaining clothes and kissed me again, lining himself up to my entrance.

《You sure?》 he asked out of breath, grinding himself on me and biting his lip to hold back a moan that came out as a broken gasp.

《Yeah.》 I answered pulling him close to me and kissing him again.

Then his cock sank into me, and I whined into his mouth, my hands pulling his hair. His hips stuttered and he went in too fast making me hold onto him tighter, gasping.

《Sorry.》 he whispered brokenly on my neck going in the last couple of inches left and staying still, waiting for me to adjust. He was definitely big, but the stretch was so good.

His hands caressed my sides while I played with his hair. He was breathing heavily and after a bit of waiting he started to grind into me to which I bit my lip but didn’t stop him. He tentatively pulled out a little only to sink back in, moaning in my ear.

《You feel amazing…》 he praised, his gruff voice making me shiver even before he started to actually move. Not fast, he deliberately pulled out almost all the way to just push in deeper every time.

His mouth kept alternating between biting and kissing lips and sucking on my neck and chest, his hands still on my sides.

He gave me one last kiss before adjusting our bodies so that he could stand up to end of the bed and bringing my legs on his shoulder pushing in hard.

My back arched and my hands gripped the sheets, a long moan leaving my lips. And then he did it again, and again

《Yes! R-right there Jake…》 and his pace went a bit faster, hitting a wonderful spot inside of me that made me see stars. One of his hands went to my collarbone, sliding down to my belly and pressing down.

His pace became more rough, more impatient, his thrusts more erratic and then he bended over me, leaving my legs on his sides to kiss me again.

《Fuck, fuck- you feel so good, so fucking good. C-can I come inside? Please, please, please- fuck. You’re squeezing me so tight… so good, you’re so good- fuck…》 he cursed into my neck. It took a bit for his words to register in my brain.

《C-can I?》 he asked again. And I nodded in a frenzy, feeling myself getting close again.

His fingers then went to rub on my clit while he watched my face contort in pleasure and my body shivering.

《Yes! Yes, please, come inside - you feel so good, so good…》 I moaned, in my mind only him and his body.

After a few more thrusts we both came undone. His arms sneaked around my back to hug me, and I did the same with my arms around his shoulders. His hips grinded a bit more in me before he pulled out. I closed my eyes, completely spent and tired but satisfied. After bit a towel met my thighs and pussy. When Jake cleaned himself too, he climbed on the bed by my side, got under the covers and hugged me, his head on my chest.

《Thank you…》 he whispered.

《Thank you too.》 I answered, kissing his head.

And fell asleep like that.

.

The next day the first thing I felt was Jake’s body pressed against my back, on hand on my hip and the other on my chest.

I took a deep breath before I relaxed in his hold, pressing myself better against him and relishing in the closeness some more.

When I turned in his embrace, I felt soreness in my whole body and a pleasurable ache between my legs. My arms hugged his naked torso, and I hid my head under his chin, giving his neck a few kisses.

It was a nice feeling, to not wake up alone like every day, wondering and thinking.

After I don’t know how much time I got up, leaving Jake in bed a bit more, and got a simple dress out of my wardrobe. It was a pale blue color, long until half my calves, and had thin straps to keep it on my shoulders. And then I was off to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast.

I decided to put on some music, keeping the volume low to not disturb Jake if he was still sleeping and got started. When I was placing down everything, I felt a pair of hands on my hips and smiled, finishing up the table.

《Morning.》 he whispered in my ear, kissing my neck and shoulders right after. His hands tracing up my sides until under my breasts.

《Good morning.》 I breathed out, leaning my head on his shoulder.

We stayed like this for a bit before we sat down to eat, a comfortable silence fell on us like a blanket and the music still on made for a nice murmur.

《You know… – Jake started as I was sipping on my coffee – I’m starting to cut things off with Simone.》 he confessed. I looked at him confused, what does that mean? Cutting things off with her? How? Why?

《We had been spending a lot of time together and I think it’s best like this… – he went on since I kept silent – also talking to you I started to understand a few things and I think Simone is not a good presence?》 he concluded a little bit more insecure this time. I kept looking at his waiting for him to continue but he didn’t.

《It’s not my place to say what you should do with the relationship you had and still have with her. Whatever it is, I’ll be there with you, okay? If you think she is not a good presence in your life anymore I’ll try to be by your side, as a friend or whatever. I’ll not substitute her.》 Never. I said choosing my words carefully. I offered him a hand that he took and squeezed to which I squeezed back reassuringly. I started to get up

《Come on now, we have to get ready.》

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/n: Thanks to whoever made it to the end, I hope I didn't bore you too much and I would also like to disclaim that under this message there are going to be drawings I personally made for the story. Those are three outfits I very clearly imagined on her: the one when she goes to home bar, the one when she sings and Jake is there too, and the one she wears at the end when she is at home with Jake. If you don't like them please don't freely insult me or my art style.

Thanks, bye.

[easily-bullied]

wow I'm back two years later. I wanted to do some writing, get things out of my head and onto the page about the latest things that are bothering me. and then I read that last post and it made me want to laugh because... my mom died like 3 months after I wrote that wow that girl didn't know what was about to hit her.

perspective

hind sight

2 more years. 34 (lol 'im a thirty year old' nah bitch u were about to turn 32) and used to hell. shit I was coddled. I felt strong and I look at her like oh babes! champagne problems. but now I'm also comparing and it's like, well shit, I got some places. we moved. I had 2 semi serious flings (one was supposed to be the thrust of this post, it probably still will be) new job, new friends, new haunts, new furniture new anxieties same anxieties. rediscovering some thing I loved, finding ways to love someone, loving new parts of me.

ok is that enough of a through line? for the no one reading this. I wanna talk about the thing I came here for. let's get some stuff out.

I fell in love

I think I fell in love

I tried to fall in love and it might have worked

I looked at something that I could love and I said 'go and do it'

and that thing was like 'hey this is probably a bad idea' and I said 'yup, I hear you. I know.' and then I said quietly to myself 'love harder and maybe it'll work out. I bet if you just keep running and don't slow down you can fix this.' and I nodded at them and I nodded at my friends as they counseled me and still I whispered to myself 'no we should keep going'

what does that mean?? can that really just mean I'm that desperate to be loved? can it not mean that maybe this love was real and it should be cherished and missed? like it was supposed to happen and it's a cosmic wrong that needs to be righted? wouldn't that explain some of this feeling?

every day I'm white knuckling it. I want to text them even this second. hell I hope I'll convince myself it's a good idea by the time I'm done typing.

is it easier to think of not me? is that why?

at least im starting to forgive myself for my mistakes. or at least im convincing myself that they're being forgiven. and I bet they are! minor shit. shit I apologized for. profusely. and genuinely. real remorse. how do I be accountable? I respect the boundaries. at least the ones that I can assume. a few months they said. it's been 2 weeks. I'm dying

ok so let's say they come back. they say they missed me. they say they love me. what's that look like. what do I want. I want to see them happy and comfortable. I want them to thrive. I want them making art. I want them smiling and laughing. I want me feeling appreciated, I want me feeling adored and supported. I want to feel not alone. I want someone I can lean on. who looks forward to the times I need their strength cause it makes them feel strong and needed. that's who I need.

is that someone they are? it's hard to know I guess. it was only a few months. I feel like they would want to be able to be that person. but maybe just not yet. that would make sense to me. I can see that needing time. I can see that time being helpful. even if it's not for that express purpose. I can see it being the outcome.

would they see it in themselves? trust themselves to be it? I guess that's not up to me and I can't know it.

ok so what if they don't come back. are you going to wallow again? in three months still be sad? why were we sad before the relationship. why were we sad in it? I just don't feel real enough. I don't feel filled in. I feel like a first draft. I am one. I guess it all is. I don't think about it. I don't examine. I'm afraid to look. I don't feel like I have permission??

what would calm me down? knowing what they want? but they don't know. so that can't be what I need

knowing I'll be ok. knowing I won't be alone

ok let's think about that. so you really actually think you're unlovable? no

you know you're kinda great

it's about finding someone that makes you feel it when you can't feel it yourself. that exists. I've seen that. I won't break that next time. I'm better than I was

I'm good enough. I've always been good enough. how I'm better. only 34. 20 years. 20 long years. and I still won't even be 55. that's not bad. lots can happen in a year. boy oh boy lots and lots

where was I last August? I had just moved here. I would been just finished having my birthday. a lot anxious. wow I was looking to have a hot girl summer and have sex and then I realized I was too afraid. it wasn't time yet. ok so now I've had sex a bunch in the last few months. been in a couple dates. found a new type that I like. been with other trans people. felt seen and accepted. it's not a miracle when that happens. it just means it's with other people like me. people who are wonderful and beautiful and different and thought about why.

it's hot that you know who you are. even if you aren't finished. you went further than a lot of others.

the way they looked at you was real. you both know that was real. it doesn't matter what's coming. I can't control that. but it was real back then. that happened. and it felt so good and made everything feel better and it soothed you. and there's people who are dying to look at you that way again. maybe even that same person. but regardless you will have it

and it's with the knowledge that you can love them back in a way that you're proud of. that makes you feel like a whole. see your fullness as a woman, as a lover, as a caretaker, as a pillar, as a mother. all there. in me. swirling around. like how is that not the only thing I can think of? like holy shit look at you Momo. the fullness of you, the person you were SO afraid of being and now I'm it all day every day and like it just all slipped on exactly fitting. a slip, built for your body. all there.

Ollie loves you too. so don't be too worried. and also hey the last blog post was funny!

[sals-soda]

i'm thinking. so i'm gonna make this everyone else's problem

radqueers. fun topic, right? haven't mentioned them in a while. i also haven't been posting much here in general because. well. i dunno. i sorta lose my spirit when looking through the proship tag too often. i think, oddly enough, it was my fixation for a while. but obviously it isn't now, because i can hardly tolerate the community enough to glance through the tag.

anyway. a rare moment nowadays, i'm look through the tag. and i always make sure to look in the tags of posts i read because, well. radqueers advertise. most of them are not covert. that's kinda their whole thing. radically open and accepting. to quite literally anyone. even people who claim to be "trans nazi" ! fun.

anyway. saw someone celebrating the fact that they made themselves a binder. cool ! honestly a rare moment of joy amongst the discourse and news stories about war. but i expand the tags, there's lots, not inherently a problem, annoys some people, but whatever. and there's this tiny tag. just a little one. about "trans id". and it really made me stop and think about all that shit again.

my feelings were and still are complex. not that i tolerate radqueers by any stretch of the imagination. even if it is just some poor schmuck that got pulled into the cult because of their radical acceptance. but.

i'll start by saying this. i really do think the "trans-autistic, cis-depressed" shit is actually deranged. i literally cannot think of anything that justifies that. obviously i'm not going to like. make fun of it ? because i mean. if you're using labels like that, there's... probably something going on. and i've read stories from recovering radqueers about how the community fuelled their delusions. so i'm not gonna say anything other than i do not understand it at all and i really don't think there's anything justifying it.

the obsession with "chrono" (chronological) age is also concerning and also rarely justifiable. although i know that some plurals adopt the trans-age label because, well. they aren't just one age, mentally. and they do have a "real" (chronological) age. but again what i see in the radqueer community is shit like minors claiming to be older and adults claiming to be younger and many of them are paraphiles and they're interacting unrestricted and it's just. not. good. i used to go through radqueer confession blogs, and like... i think i have something in my drafts that proves my point about just how deranged and unsafe the community is.

what else is there to say to this than What The Fuck?

Right ?

even if the whole community isn't like this. the fact that this is at all tolerated ...?

i'm just going to leave that. food for thought. if you needed anymore convincing.

as for trans-abled stuff. people really try to push that it's exactly like being transgender. and i used to be quite sympathetic actually, because. well. trans myself. and i could see how the "but you're mutilating yourself ?!" argument goes both ways. but i stop being sympathetic because. well. i have disabled friends. some born some not. you can become disabled at any time. all it takes is an accident, or an eating disorder, or an illness. or the natural degradation of your body. personally i find my sight is slowly degrading and i'm in no position to do anything to correct it at the moment. which obviously is not the worst situation i could be in. but still. i can't help but think these trans-abled people are inherently privileged. and that they probably don't have many disabled friends. but i'm not going to deny their inherent existence. dysphoria is complex. and if someone thinks they shouldn't have a right arm or that they should have a limp or something ? probably not the weirdest thing. just. i don't know. i would rather these people didn't try to speak over others. especially IF they are in the position to "choose" to be disabled. i don't know. i would like to hear other opinions on this as well.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - Shaken... not Stirred

*Warning Adult Content*

Finnegan

I spend most of Saturday in Zoom meetings and on the cell-phone.

By six p.m. I realize that as much as I hate it... I won't be going to Emmett's tomorrow.

I call and he says he understands when I tell him I have a big project due Monday but I know he's hurt.

Same, except I'm also not and that's the problem.

He says to call tomorrow if anything changes and I promise to but even though I want nothing more than to go over there for an hour, it wouldn't be quick.

We'd have mind-blowing sex and then we'd eat and cuddle and he'd take such good care of me that I wouldn't be able to leave.

That can't happen.... I don't even make time for mass on Sunday but my father calls later in the afternoon.

He wants an update which he more than deserves but since I'm expressly going against his wishes... I'm not sure what to say.

No, things aren't quite wrapped up here.

No, I don't need him to call the moving company... I'll handle it when I'm ready.

Yes, I know I have to give the apartment office one weeks notice.

Of course I'll get the car cleaned before I return it, especially since I dropped some fries in it earlier this week.

It's not like I've never done this before.

He thinks I'm stressed from the fire.. I am.

He wants to make sure I know that no one blames me and I shouldn't think I could have done something... I know.

They're thinking of me and love me... Same.

My team pulls together and by Sunday evening we have two bids cleared by the lawyers and ready to go.

Monday morning I sleep in a bit and then drive down to personally hand deliver our bids.

I call that afternoon to find out when we'll hear anything and the news knocks me over.... Three weeks.

It will be three weeks... What am I going to do with myself for three weeks?

The answer is obvious... go home.

I call Emmett and he says he'll be home by 6:30 p.m.

That's a bit late for him but it's been over a week since we spent actual quality time together so I'll be patient... Well, I'll try.

I plan on giving him until seven o'clock so I don't pounce on him as soon as he gets home but I pull up at 6:45 and can't stand the thought of waiting in my car.

I knock on his door.

He looks tired but smiles at me.

"Hey darling, get in here."

I obey gladly.

"I'm just starting dinner, can you stay?"

I haven't had decent food in days.

"Yeah, that would be great."

"So, mission complete? Project finished?" he asks.

He doesn't know the specifics but it's kind of him to ask.

"Submitted. Now I have to wait three weeks to hear back."

I sit at the table in the kitchen and he brings me over a drink.

"Thanks."

He pulls stuff out of the fridge and I try to figure out what he's going to make.

"I don't want to assume but does the whole lack of a factory and this three week timeline mean that you get some time off? Or is it on to the next project?"

I wasn't sure how I was going to bring this up but he's given me the perfect opportunity...  I hate the words I'm about to say. 

"It means I'm in limbo and I should head back to Michigan until they decide."

"Oh. Right. You mentioned going back," his voice is eerily calm and I can't get a read on him.

What is he thinking?

"Will you be coming back to Baltimore?"

This is the hard part.

"I want to."

"But?"

"It probably depends on what happens in three weeks, Emmett. I'm sorry."

If I get one of the contracts I'll have some bargaining room with my father and the board and will do everything I can to convince them to change their minds.

If I don't... there's nothing I can do.

I'm the vice-president until my father retires and I will go and do what he and the board think I should.

There will be another factory to open, other deals to make, other products to develop.

"I want to come back."

"That's nice but it doesn't mean much, apparently. You know, with all your money you'd think..."

"What?"

"It's just that your money sure does buy nice stuff but it doesn't seem to be buying you much happiness or freedom. What's the point if you can't use it for stuff that really matters?"

He's right, money comes with strings and there are lots of things it can't buy but...

"It'll buy plane tickets, we can see each other."

He sort of grunts at me.

"Yeah, sure. Hope you like stir-fry."

"I do... I love it."

He's thawing some shrimp which is definitely one of my favorites.

This will be good.... And it is... It's stuffed full of perfectly good vegetables, the rice is perfectly cooked and the sauce is great.

We're almost finished when he asks...

"When are you leaving?"

"I have to pack up the apartment and return my car so probably Wednesday?"

I could get it all done tomorrow if I had to but I don't really have to.

Besides, it means one more evening with Emmett.

"Can I stay tonight?"

He looks at me, hard, stares until I almost break down.

"Maybe it's best if you don't. Besides, all your stuff is at your place, right?"

Oh. Okay.

"Um, maybe tomorrow?"

"I'm working late, sorry. I hope you have a safe trip back home, Finnegan. I had a wonderful time, really. I can't even tell you how much."

He doesn't have to, I know.

He's giving me the brush off but how can I blame him when I'm the one leaving?

"I did too. This isn't the end of us, Emmett, I hope it isn't."

"Sometimes it's best to move on, Finnegan. Hanging onto the past just hurts. I'll wait three weeks. If you can come back and stay, I'd really like that darling. If not, well, it is what it is."

He stands up and takes both of our plates to the sink.

I think it's time for me to go while I can still see through the tears that are forming.

I've been kicking myself since he walked out the door that night.

He practically threw himself at my feet and admitted that he needed me which is always hard for him.

He was exhausted and desperate for some love and attention and care and all I could manage to offer him was a meal.

I'd already shut down and put us in a box in the back of my closet and I couldn't bring myself to torture either of us with another amazing night.

Part of me hoped he'd change his mind.

That he'd call me Tuesday saying he couldn't do it, he didn't want to leave me and then beg my forgiveness for making me feel like I didn't really matter to him.

I had this fairy-tale ending in my head where he moved in here and we were a happy 'little' family.

Little... even that doesn't make me smile.

He's been gone for two weeks.

He's sent a few texts, letting me know he was home safe and that he was thinking of me.

I responded but kept my distance because it hurts.

Thinking about him makes me ache in all sorts of ways and probably will for awhile.

Everything at home reminds me of him.

The stupid, adorable towels that he sent are in my linen closet.

I have his tiny sheep undies because they were in the laundry and I haven't even reclaimed his drawer yet.

His bendy cups and Spiderman cup are in my cupboard. 

I can barely stand to spend time on my couch, honestly.

We watched movies, snuggled and fucked on that couch.

The problem is that he's everywhere, my kitchen and bed included.

I can't even do laundry without thinking about him.

So I've been spending a lot of time at the bowling alley and work, hitting the gym more than I have in months and doing everything I can think of to avoid going home.

Peter has been staring at me all morning but he probably thinks I haven't noticed.

Please.

I survived for years in war zones by paying attention.

No, we all paid attention... I just got lucky.

"You and Finnegan want to come over this weekend?"

That's a hard question but it's time to come out with it.

I guess I just assumed that Finnegan had told Tristan.

"He went back to Michigan."

"Oh. Well that explains a lot. How long is he gone for?"

It does? Am I that bad? Maybe.

"Probably forever."

That gets his attention and he walks over.

"What? What happened?"

It's a long story but it all boils down to the fact that...

"He was never supposed to stay."

He just left sooner than I thought he would.

"But you two are so good together. My God... I almost left Tristan in Michigan when I came here. Can't believe I was so stupid. I thought we were too new so I didn't ask him to come. Did you ask him to stay, Emmett?"

"It wouldn't have changed anything. He's waiting to hear news about some, some thing and if it comes through he might be back. I don't really know how it all works but he didn't sound all that optimistic."

"Are you thinking about going there?"

Huh?

"To Michigan?"

No, why would I?

For Finn, of course but my whole life is here, just like his is there, except it's not.

He'd be leaving for months or years at a time to go open new factories and then what?

I'd just hang around and wait for him in Michigan?

No thank you.

"Yeah, it's not bad. Winters are tough but you two can come up with ways to stay warm."

Yeah. Not happening.

"He didn't invite me... he mentioned a visit but not... anything else."

He throws his hands up in the air but he's just goofing off.

"It's like you're not even listening to me."

I know he's trying to help but...

"We're not you and Tristan. It's complicated. Our dynamic is... it's unusual."

"So's ours. Just hate to see you moping around and upset, Emmett. Offer for this weekend is still open, it would probably be good for you to get out."

It would be.

"Can I let you know tomorrow?"

"Sure. And I'll have Tristan give Finnegan a call, see if he can weasel out some info for you."

That's not necessary but nothing I say will stop him.

Tristan will call once he finds out Finnegan's gone whether Peter has anything to do with it or not.

I can't imagine Tristan letting that one go.

A car pulls in and it saves me from answering and luckily the rest of the afternoon is busy.

Busy is very good lately.

[nancypullen]

Snowy Sunday Morning

It's a brisk 25 degrees outside and the sky is bright, cornflower blue. Sparkling snow is still blanketing my little world and it's absolutely beautiful. I'm keeping the birdfeeders full and putting out corn for squirrels. It delights me when they visit, and hopefully it helps them. Right now there are cardinals, blue jays, sparrows, chickadees, juncos, and more - all flitting around and filling their tiny bellies. Even better, the neighborhood cats are staying indoors during this cold snap so the birds aren't risking their lives at our feeders. That's actually an issue. You know I'm a cat lover, my two girls are precious to me. But my cats are indoor cats. I'd love to have a screened porch that would allow them to be out but not out . There ae two cats that live a couple of houses down, I call them Stanley and Leslie, who spend a lot of time hanging around our bird feeders and occasionally getting lucky. I hate that. I know that the cats are just being cats, but I also know they have food bowls at home. If they were eating to survive I'd close my eyes, hum "Circle of Life" and make my peace with it. Sadly, Stanley and Leslie are just serial killers who love the thrill. I don't know how to stop it. Everything I read says that the only solution is to remove the bird feeders. I really, really don't want to do that. Having that little bit of wildlife in the backyard keeps me sane. I neeeeed it. Remember our wonderful Willie in Mt. Juliet? He was our timeshare cat and I loved him so. He never bothered birds. We had feeders in the front and back and we were even lucky enough to have nesting pairs in our trees every spring. House finches nested in the ferns hanging on the front porch. Honestly, that always seemed kind of dumb to me because they'd panic every time we came in or out the front door. There were acres of woods behind us and they thought the porch was their best option? Anyway, my point was that Willie never bothered the birds (probably because he ate at several houses each day) so I've never had to solve this problem. How do I convince the neighbor's cats to stay home? I could anonymously gift the neighbor with a bird feeder. They don't appear to have one which means they probably don't want one. Any suggestions are welcome. In other news, I should probably address my last blog post. I hope it didn't seem negative. I like my job at the library, and my coworkers truly couldn't be nicer. I have no plans to leave, I'm not a quitter (unless it's a diet, I quit one of those every week). But I'll be honest and say that the thought of not being able to travel is a big deal to me. I'm 60, my clock is ticking, I want to see and do so much before I can't see and do anymore. Given a choice between this job and traveling the world with Mickey, I think we all know what I'd choose. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, hopefully there's a solution for that too.

Today I need to make a pot of soup, wash my hair (it's a process), and ready my clothes for the coming week. Yesterday I cleaned like I was hired help and the house looks and smells wonderful. Mickey kept things tidy all week, but they don't have our internal check list, ya' know? Wipe Baseboards, wipe the cupboards down, clean the glass, swish the toilet bowls and clean the seats, wipe all the sinks, spray the bed linens, and so on. It's a never-ending list that I'd work my way through over a period of days. Wednesdays were always bathroom cleaning days, Thursdays were laundry and baseboards, etc. Now I'm cramming that all into a day. Ugh. Women do a lot of invisible work. There I go, complaining again. That's not who I want to be. Aren't I lucky I have a home to clean? Yep. On a positive note, I've just started doing wall pilates. I don't know if it's for old people or everyone, but it feels so good. I do a few simple moves, no doubt there are much harder levels than what I'm doing, but gosh, I feel so loose and stretched afterward. I do my little morning walk and then about fifteen minutes of wall pilates. I'm not setting any records, but it sure feels good. My word for 2024 is power, I feel like this is a move in that direction too. Can't embrace your power if you're tired and weak, right? Alright, I'm going to get busy. I've got soup to make and a week to prepare for...Monday is looming! I think my days off this week are Friday and Sunday, so that's not going to be fun. Better start it off right by getting ready today. I hope that this coming week is good for you. I hope that something unexpected delights you. I hope that you have at least one bout of laughter that brings you to tears. I hope that you have a delicious meal. I hope that someone makes you feel appreciated. More than anything, I hope you have peace. Stay safe, stay well. XOXO, Nancy

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 237

Days pass and it seems shit doesn't get better. In fact, it might even get worse. Also, I love how I randomly remember this account.

First things first, my mom has been in the psych ward for a week now. It stops her ED from getting too out of hand, but the real problem is her body image issues. That's what's causing the ED and it REALLY doesn't feel like the ooddles of doctors, psychiatrists, therapists and so on at the hospital seem to realize, or care, somehow. They also prescribed her with new antidepressants which she's having an allergic reaction to, but they say it's "normal" and are going to increase the dose. I hate them. I hate them so much and that's why I'd never want to go to the psych ward. They do the bare fucking minimum like feeding you and cleaning your room which are things you often can't do yourself anymore when you end up there, but they don't actually help you get better so when you go back into the world you can look after yourself again. Maybe I'm too harsh on them, and I'm sorry.

For my part, things are really shitty. I haven't gotten out of bed in 6 days now. I have had a pretty bad cold for a week too, so that'll justify it. Seriously, the truth is I'm going through a really bad depressive episode. It started about a week after I quit my job (so around the 25th of September I guess) and it hasn't left me since (we're the 3 of November right now). Most of the times I got out of bed were because I was seeing my relatives (I spent a week at my grandparents's and at my mom's, I saw my godmother a couple of times). My uni "friends" have completely given up on me and have straight up stopped inviting me to all their little parties and hangouts. I decided I didn't want to celebrate my "uni best friend" 's birthday anymore and came up with an excuse. I'm really disappointed in them. Or maybe I'm disappointed in myself because I should have been the one trying to organize stuff with them. But when you know they've created a groupchat with just the three of them, for some reason, and that was about as soon as I dropped out, you know you're not really part of the team anymore. I wonder if when my "best friend" doesn't walk fast enough compared to the two other girls, they just leave her behind like they did when we hung out the 4 of us, except I'd always slow down and wait for my "best friend" so she wouldn't be alone. I wonder.

These past 6 days, I don't really know what I've been doing except binge watch the last 3 or 4 seasons of BoJack Horseman. I absolutely ADORED this show. It's beyond what words can express. I've also started to develop a strange interest for dolls, specially the new Monster High dolls and Rainbow High/Shadow High dolls. It's okay, I'm going through a little phase and it brings me some comfort. I've also started reading Macbeth since I'm seeing the play in London in December.

All I pray for is winning the lottery. Whenever I don't forget, I play. I usually don't win much, but I play and I pray. Because I don't see how else I could get out of the deep. Just thinking about getting a job makes me feel an even greater amount of crippling anxiety and depression than I already have to bear every day. I've sort of convinced myself I deserved to have this little miracle happen to me because with all the shit I've been through, there is no one that could save me, not even myself, not doctors, not family. All that could save me would be becoming a millionaire and never having to worry about finding a job and losing my freedom, all of that to barely earn anything anyway. If I were a millionaire I could finally be sure I'll always have a roof above my head.

Lately I've lost the will to do things. I don't wanna celebrate my birthday. What is there to celebrate? It's gotten so bad that, although for a few months getting ready to see BTR tour in Europe was my top one priority in life, it's something I can barely find interest in anymore. When I think I probably won't be able to afford doing the whole tour I think "whatever", even though a couple of weeks ago I would have cried at the mere thought of not doing the whole tour. Things are changing quick. I'm losing interest in everything, nothing gets me excited. The BTR side of Twitter is hella toxic, you'll get cancelled over anything by a bunch of hypocrites.

I'd like to go back to the gym but I don't have the money, nor the will anymore. I've been asking for social aids (which I have the right to) but they're not giving me anything.

I don't have much else to say. I hope next time I write here things are a little better. I doubt they'll be, but I hope, still.

See you later :)

"Mr Blue I told you that I loved you

Please believe me..."