#this snowballed. it was really only suppose to be the first three paragraphs but then I just kept writing.

[cloudyyangel]

Nanami Kento thinks you look best in his blue button up. He enjoys seeing the stretch and pull of the fabric against your plump body. He also enjoys the events leading up to you tugging on his shirt.

3.3k

nsfw, cw: lack of prep, dry humping, body inclusive reader, afab reader, slight praise kink, one ass smack

△ △ △

Nanami watches as you gather your underwear from the foot of his bed and slip back into them, a small smile playing at your lips. Your wiggles to get them just right over your thighs and ass has Nanami sighing softly as he leans against the headboard- eyeing every piece of plush flesh that bounces with your movements.

He had tried to coax you to stay in bed, dinner can wait sweetheart, but you had been adamant about feeding the over worked and stressed sorcerer (No Kento, I am not a suitable meal! You told him for the fifth time). He had came straight home from work and gotten you into bed before any greetings of hellos or how are yous.

You glance around for your shirt, the one he won’t mention is on the opposite side of the bed by the wall. It’s a game for him; getting you to throw your shirt off in a lust fueled haze and losing it. You always try to find it afterwards, sometimes even nudging him to roll over so you can search under him. Nanami was patient as his gaze followed you around the room- he knew the ultimate victory of the night was close. It sent a pleasant warmth through his chest as you finally give up and pull on the only shirt on the floor.

Nanami is built different, as you’ve jokingly told him many times. He’s tall with broad shoulders and a toned physique from fighting curses over the years. You, in a great difference, are soft with rounded edges that contrast with his sharp angles. You love to watch him flex as he chops vegetables for dinner, or see the taut skin of his stomach as he stretches before bed- it’s everything you’re not and it use to sting a bit, cut into your heart that maybe you weren’t good enough.

Nanami Kento, on the other hand, loves the opposition of your bodies. He loves the soft skin of your shoulders under his hands, to feel fat squeezing between his fingers as he grips your thighs, loves to watch your belly match the pumps of his hips as he drives his cock into you. He loves you, truly and wholeheartedly, and everything about you. Over time his sweet words, sinful praises, and all consuming actions have nestled their way into your body to take home in your skin.

They settle in your heart- the logic conscious man had no time to string someone along or for empty compliments. Fine, Nanami had relented one night after you explain why you’re not enough for him, you are big. You’re also beautiful, smart, amazing, talented. It’s just another word that describes why I love you. You start to believe it after that.

The blue button up you pull on after a session of love making is what he loves the most. Out of all the looks you had, it was his favorite. The fabric clings to the fat of your arms while the wrists are loose. It stretches across your full chest with only three buttons fastened in an attempt to hold you even as they pull taut (you know they’re reliable, just like the man who wears it). It couldn’t cover your tummy, even with how broad he is, but the material covers enough for you to trot around the room in.

It’s ill fitting- not necessarily too small, but made for a slimmer and taller build. Tailor made for Nanami Kento. On you, it’s a frumpy mess- the blue material wrinkling at odd places, bunching up around your arms but god if he doesn’t melt at the sight of you. His blue button up, stretched safely around your bigger form- it reminds him that you are his, that you love him, that he can protect and cherish you. He tries to keep it out as often as he can, fighting his urge to keep everything smartly in its place, just in hopes of you tugging it on. He soon found out that you were more willing to pull it on when you were in a dazed state, wanting to put on some semblance of clothes after an extended period of being exposed. Nanami was more than happy to provide that mindset for you.

This evening, his shirt had been tossed to the floor as soon as he entered the bedroom. His tie was somewhere in the living room, his glasses by the front door, shoes strewn across the entrance. Nanami is a smart man, however, and was careful with this shirt- he let that drop right in the middle of the room, to be sure it was the only thing you saw after he had satisfied both of your needs.

△ △ △

“Impatient, hmm Kento?” You teased as his hands groped at the fat on your hips to pull you even closer to him. He was home exactly on time despite the complaint of overtime and caught you by surprise. Nanami had strode into the bedroom with no words as he let his shirt drop to the floor and immediately captured your lips in a kiss.

The normally composed sorcerer had called on his break to rant about useless colleagues and a curse getting too close for comfort and that he just wanted to hear your voice. He promised to try not to work too late, I miss you darling, but you knew he put everything he had into work and told him you would be waiting for him with a smile.

Nanami hummed as he bruised your lips in a needy kiss. “I just need you.” He had muttered with a rut of his hips against yours. His length was already pronounced and it made you pull back with a slight gasp- light glistened off the string of spit that connected you two.

The situation at work must have gotten to him, his controlled façade had slipped completely off as he attacked you with an usual fervor. His hands squeezed your hips before they roamed over your tummy- it was one of his favorite places to touch and kiss and squeeze and worship.

He never faltered on his slow, methodical, rut against you, not slowing down to even remove both of your bottoms. “K-kento, we can-“ Your suggestion to continue in bed was cut off when his hands wrapped around your back to grope at your ass.

He always did go straight for what he wanted. Which explained why he was rutting you into the wall with spit spread around your lips.

His hips sped up and harsh pants met your face as he pressed forward. Nanami’s brow was furrowed, fingers griped tight on your ass as he slotted between your legs. His composure, his calmness, had been tossed to the side along with his shirt the second he saw you. Now, his cock was leaking into his slacks and he was just so desperate to feel you against him that the wall would do for now.

The new closeness brought his hard cock right against your cunt, still both clothed but the friction was enough to make you grow wet and grind back against him. The angle pushed you up on your toes, desperate to feel even more of him and if you angled your hips just right, you could feel Nanami’s length slide right over your clothed slit.

You had refused on multiple times to be picked up, even when he insisted on multiple times that he could. Instead, he accommodated your needs and wants, simply finding a way to be able to grind against you while he pressed your back against the wall. He bent down to suck the smooth skin of your neck into his mouth, only to increase the speed of his ministrations on your now dripping cunt.

His hips rubbed harder against you, effectively pining you to the wall and it started to burn against your skin. The sting only amplified the feeling every time it rubbed against your pussy lips and you couldn’t help but whimper with every thrust.

Deep in your stomach, something tightened and grew into a comfortable pressure, your orgasm growing with every thrust of Nanami’s hips. One hand left your ass to roughly paw at your chest, his fingers easily found the pebbled nipple and rolled it a few times before he gave a light tug. As you gasped he took the opportunity to shove his mouth over yours, to lavish his tongue against yours. It wasn’t enough for you, or him, but you were the first to break.

You needed more, needed him and needed something physical to touch you. "Kento, please” you whined into his mouth as you felt the soaked fabric of your underwear stick and cling to you.

The broken cry brought Nanami back as he pulled away from your hips, not able to control his harsh pants. The sudden stop made you jerk against him, desperate for any relief against your clit that throbbed under your pants. Nanami stared down at you, blond hair stuck to his sweaty forehead with darkened eyes, and heaved a few deep breaths. His expression cleared as he took in your state- the caretaker role slid back on as he saw how wrecked you were from just a few minutes of dry humping. Your eyes were half lidded and cloudy with tears from the friction, hips still stuttered from the loss of contact, and your chest heaved. When he didn’t move, you reach forward with a grabby hand to tug his belt towards you. He easily caught your hand and slightly ‘tsk’ed when you voiced your displeasure with a frown.

“Look what you do to me.” He sighed and brought both of your hands to his cock that strained against the fabric of his slacks. You desperately gripped at the hardness which earned you a sharp hiss from his kiss bruised lips. You mewled at the sound but Nanami was never one to be outdone.

He eyed your own sex and let out a small chuckle. “Look what I do to you.” He said amused as he rubbed your hands over the wet spot of your pants. The pressure made the fabric catch against your slick lips, swollen from the rough friction and you arched into it before he pulled the hands away. He chuckled at your pout and wiggle to find friction again.

“I can’t believe how needy you are,” you bit out in frustration at his tease, “dry humping me like a virg-.” He swallowed the rest of your retort with a heavy kiss and quick swat to your ass. The small spank had you flatten yourself against the wall with a surprised gasp.

“You’re the one soaked through two layers of clothes. I think you’re the needy one, sweetheart.” He commented with a harsh tug on your ass which slammed your hips against his. It pressed your lips against your clit and sent a jolt through your body and the loud whine that left your lips already proved his point as he dragged you towards the bed. He brought his hands back to himself and left you to stand in front of him.

Nanami didn’t break your gaze as he went to unbuckle his pants and flung them off somewhere (you would tease him later how messy that was, throwing his clothes around like a teenager). You shifted as you watched his thick cock spring free of his slacks. The pretty red head slapped against his flushed stomach and you swallowed a whine as your cunt continued to throb. You would drop to your knees if he asked, pull your knees as wide as they would go, press your face into the mattress- anything to get his perfectly thick pretty cock inside of you. Nanami was observant as ever and smirked as he sat down on the bed.

“Like I said, needy.” His voice was a rumble and the comment sent a flutter through you. Nanami eyed you up and down, still fully clothed even as he sat naked on the bed, and gave a solid pat to his thigh.

“Take off your pants.”

Nerves shot through you- even after being with Nanami for so long. It was a force of habit to hide your body, to not show off and it made your movements lag as you unbuttoned and pulled off your pants. Despite his preference to see you naked- he rarely undressed you himself. He allowed you to take off whatever clothes you felt comfortable enough to remove, and at your own pace.

He was patient, as he always was, while you worked to obey him and not listen to the doubts that swirled in your head. His command, soft as it was, fought against those doubts you had. You wanted to please him, feel the praise run through your body, and that beat out whatever words had been thrown at your body in the past. His pale eyes watched as your thighs were freed and jiggled as you lifted you feet to kick them away.

His legs parted slowly (god what a sight to see Nanami Kento spread his legs wide for your body) and you slotted yourself in between his strong legs. “Look at you,” it came out breathless as he softly slid his hands under your shirt and you took the silent command to throw it off along with your bra, “sweetheart you’re gorgeous.” He pressed a few kisses to your stomach, his lips sinking into your skin. Your hands threaded through his blonde locks to let your nails scrape against his skull.

That was the praise that made every piece of exposed skin worth it- his gentle tone and sweet words sunk into the fat on your body and sent a shiver through you. He responded with soft bites into your even softer skin; his lips sucked a few red marks next to your navel to prove his point.

“Come join me, please Angel. Let me feel you.” He spoke quietly as he lead you onto his lap. You obeyed wordlessly- his words, his voice washed over you and made you compliant. Your weight pressed against his strong thighs, the bed dipped beneath your combined weight, and your stomach trapped his cock between the two of you as you settled down on his lap.

Nanami’s lips instantly latched onto your nipple, sucking and licking the hard bud. His hands roamed across your back, dipped to your love handles to pull you against him and you pressed up closer to his cock. His hips thrusted up on instinct to fuck his cock against your soft stomach, and drew a small moan from your lips. You rolled your hips against him which left behind a nice slick of your juices on his lap. His cock twitched against your stomach just as your clit pulsed from lack of stimulation.

Nanami was more than happy to lazily roll hips against hips until someone gave in. Once again, you broke first. “Wanna feel you Kento, please.” You muttered as your hips sped up on his lap. Your clit throbbed with every light push and you could feel the quiver travel through your thighs.

“You will, sweet girl. I’ll fill you up, give you what you need.” He promised as his hand travelled down to finally touch your wet pussy. His long fingers teased your slit and one easily slid between the folds. He had been the one to storm into the room and dry hump you to a wreck, but now wanted to properly get you ready.

You tried not to pout at him being a gentlemen to prep you but at this point he had teased you too long. You whined and weaved your fingers through his light hair to tug his gaze up to your own. Your empty cunt was painful as it pulsed around nothing. “No, please Kento, I need you now. I promise I can take it I promise just- I need you right now please please-“ he kissed your babbles away and moved his hands to grip the back of your thighs. He was patient, but even he had a limit.

Nanami pulled back to lock his pale gaze onto your teary eyes. “Can you handle that sweetheart?” He asked firmly, any tease gone.

You nodded quickly, blinking away tears at the need of his fat cock inside of you. “Promise Ken! I promise!” You whined and he shushed you again.

“That’s enough baby, lift up for me.” You pushed up on your knees and pawed at his chest as he lined up at your entrance. Your little whines of ‘please’ were silenced as the tip of his cock slipped through your slick hole.

As Nanami helped you lower yourself, he let out a string of encouragements, “You can take it, I know you can good girl, just go slow, don’t rush yourse-“ his words were cut off with a broken moan as you spread your knees and sank further down on his cock. “F-fuck baby.” His head dropped against your shoulder and he fully moaned.

Nanami was vocal in the aspect that he would praise you, give you commands, but those moans were special and sent an electrical shock right to your core. You griped at his hair and wrapped your arms around his neck with your own whine as his thick cock stretched you out.

It burned. As wet as you were, it practically dripped down your legs, his fat cock still stretched and squeezed itself inside of it. You slowly sank down until you met his lap once more, thick cock buried in your fat pussy. Neither of you moved for a moment, enjoying the fill and stretch of each other. His hands clawed into the extra fat on your thighs, sure to leave pinpoint bruises in the morning, and gave a small bounce.

“Ah! Not yet, wait,” you stammered out with a whimper to his hair, your pussy throbbed around the intrusion.

“You can do it for me sweetheart, move and bounce on my cock, yeah? You’ll be a good girl.” He coaxed into your neck with a few swipes of his tongue.

You nodded instantly, his words wiped out any doubts or pain you had. “Ye-yeah. I can.” You confirmed and raised up on your knees slightly before you dropped your weight back down.

He let you set the pace, happy to feel the rise and fall of your thighs on his, watch your tits bounce, feel the tight squeeze of your cunt on his cock, hear the pants right by his ear. “Kento, Kento,” you chanted as your rises got higher and quicker.

His own pants and moans were almost lost in the mix of your vocalizations and the squelch of your pussy around his cock. The tightness that formed deep in your belly came back, egged on by the sounds and feel of Nanami. “More! Ken, I need more, please, just, just a lil’ more.”

You leaned back from him to grind your hips down just as he moved to thrust up to hit right there oh god that was the spot. Your moan was loud and delicious to him as the head of his cock brushed the spongy spot inside of you that left you slack jawed. He took advantage of your leaned back form and laid back on the bed before he bucked his hips. You fell forward, catching yourself on his chest. “More, sweet girl?” He questioned with a smile of adoration and lust.

Nanami was nothing short of a giving and loving partner, always happy to give you exactly what you asked for. In this new position, he was quick to thrust up so hard that it jerked you forward. That warmth in your belly grew sharper, brighter, as it weaved through your body with every hit of his cock inside of you. He continued his thrusts as you threw yourself back to meet his hips. Wet slaps of his cock being driven into you mingled with your loud moans and his quieter grunts.

He never could keep his hands still at this point. His hands groped at your jiggly ass, moved to cup your belly that hung over him, pinched at your nipples on your tits that swung right in his face, and pulled your thighs apart to watch his cock piston in and out of you. It was too much for him, just to watch you and everything about you as you bounced on top of him with such lewd sounds and faces. He loved you. “My good girl, you’re taking me so well, bouncing on my cock so nicely. How does it feel princess?”

Your arms threatened to give out as your hands clenched into fist on top of his chest. “Good! ‘S good Kento! Your- ah! your cock ‘s hitting so good!” You managed to respond as he continued to jack hammer into your soppy cunt. Nanami deepened his thrusts at your words, pleased that you always listened to him even with his cock that wiped most thoughts out of your mind. “Close, gonna...wanna cum with you.” You whined over his quiet grunts.

One hand left your ass and settled on the fat of your pussy right above the sensitive little bud that begged for touch. Your clit throbbed with the closeness and you leaned closer to him. He responded by snapping his cock deeper into you, a wet smack echoing with every thrust. “ ‘m close too princess, your so tight around me. ‘M gonna fill you up nice and full, okay? Make you bigger with all my cum.” His thumb found your clit and gave it a soft rub.

A jolt of sensation travelled through your body. “So deep, cum so deep inside me, puh-, puhlease!” Your begs and pleads became a mess as Nanami sped up the circles on your clit. Only utters of “Ken!”, “puhlease!” “Cum ‘n me!” fell from your mouth as your orgasm grew. You slunk down on his chest, almost laid out flat on him as his hips kept up their relentless pace. The circling of your clit, your cunt leaking around his fat cock, the warmth in your belly, Nanami’s praises of good girl my good girl- everything snapped.

You came loudly with stars behind your eyes, called out his name with a quiver that ran through your thighs and a gush of your juices that coated his lap beneath you as you full collapsed against his chest. He fucked you through your orgasm as he gave you one, two, three deep pumps- his hips only stilled with his cock buried balls deep as he emptied his cum inside your pulsing cunt and his lips praised your name. It took a moment to feel your thighs stop their shake, feel his cum settle into you, as you both recovered from your orgasms.

His chest heaved under you, arms wrapped around your waist to drag you up off his softening cock. You whined at the drag, positive both his lap and the sheets would be a mess of your combined cum. These moments, basked in the afterglow, neither of you could care about stained sheets and leaking cum.

Nanami settled you against his side and his lips dropped a slow and deep kiss against your own. “Love you, love you Kento.” You mumbled. “I love you, my darling.”

△ △ △

So yes, seeing his shirt on you- face still flushed, hair a mess, red bite marks decorating your plush stomach- it was his favorite look.

[unimooshi]

Christmas Fluff Snippet Megapost

(brought to you by your host Mooshi bc I’m stuck at home and wanna procrastinate cleaning my room :) )

Rated: G/Fluff

Relationship(s): Literally as many I can think within the span of 3 hours as they’re all basically 1 paragraph long. Feel free to read whichever ones you want I’m making word soup rn. We smackin’ tonight kings, queen, and royals in between😌😭✨

All relationships can be whatever universe you want, unless stated otherwise. Have a good time

Also please keep in mind that I haven’t read a lot of the comics and have a limited knowledge on the cartoons bc I haven’t watched some of them, but I’ll try my best to write out the dynamic as I see it.

1) Starscream/Optimus (StarPrime) you knew we were gonna start with OTP

“I know you wanted to visit Earth for a small vacation, but did you really have to choose the coldest of Earth months to visit?”, Starscream said with borderline disgust as he stared at the snow at the bottom of their ship, the only redeeming thing about the environment was the setting sun.

He kneeled down and scooped up a pile of snow, watching it crumble away between his digits. His internal heating system kicking into overdrive to compensate, little puffs of steam floating into the air. It wasn’t that it was cold, the issue was how wet it would be. The mess that would be made inside their circuits and the water dripping from exposed wiring made Starscream shiver.

“No, I didn’t have to but Earth has such a happy culture this time of year and I wanted to share that with you. I think you’ll like Christmas. Cheer up, let’s take a walk.” , Optimus planted a small peck on the side of Starscream’s helm and stepped outside, the soft crunch of snow following the Prime.

Starscream reluctantly stepped into the snow and groaned with how much water his sensors were already detecting, “How happy could this holiday possibly be with frozen condensation falling from the sky and getting into your circuits?”

“Well, according to what can be found on the internet, it’s an annual religious festival, but most humans use it as a time to see loved ones and celebrate their love for one another.”, Optimus took Starscream’s servo and interlaced it with his own, removing his battle mask to reveal a soft smile with blue optics to match, “and besides you can take a warm lather in the washracks later while I warm up some energon. I know you like watching Earth movies every once in a while.”

Starscream really couldn’t argue with his conjux and just vented out more heat, the puff leaving a trail of white steam as it floated into the evening sky. If being on a mud ball planet meant Optimus would be relaxed then he supposed it would be worth getting his circuits drenched for. Honestly, doing anything was worth it if it meant his Prime would stop thinking about his responsibilities even for just a cycle.

“Your strobes are blinking by the way.”

Starscream stopped walking and flapped his wings into view then dipped them low, brushing it off.

“It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I’m sure it doesn’t.”, Optimus rolled his optics and laughed, holding his conjux’s servo a little tighter.

———

2) Knockout/Breakdown (KOBD)

“Merry Christmas Knockout!”, Breakdown burst into the Medbay with a clumsily wrapped box.

Knockout nearly dropped his datapad and jumped from the sudden intrusion, his servo switched out for his buzz saw until he saw who it was.

“Breakdown!”, Knockout vented out and transformed his servo back, “Don’t scare me like that so suddenly.”

“I’m sorry, but I just wanted to finally give you this. I knew you just had to have it when I saw it and I really hope you like it.”

“All is forgiven. Thank you.”, Knockout casually tore away at the wrapping and lifted the lid, his optics glowing brighter.

“Well...do you like it?”

“Like it? I love it!”, Knockout unfolded the white stripe vinyl inside to it’s full length, laughing with a full smile, “You always know just what to get me!”

He put his gift down on the examination table and went to go hug his conjux, climbing up a little to properly plant a kiss.

As high as the mood was brought up, it was quickly shot down again.

“Wait, I’m not done with your gift yet.”, Knockout left for his datapad and scrolled through something.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to give me one. Your company is the only gift I need.”, Breakdown tried to comfort his conjux, but Knockout held out a servo to stop him.

“That’s a sweet sentiment, but it doesn’t feel fair if I had my gift before yours is even done and I don’t want you seeing it while it’s incomplete.”

“I’m sure I’ll like it even if it’s unfinished. The thought matters more than what it is. Can you tell me what it is?”

“Are you sure?”

Breakdown nodded excitedly.

Knockout sighed and handed over the datapad, “It’s only about 75% of the way done, but it’s a transcription of that Earth book you wanted to read but couldn’t find an online PDF version of it.”

Breakdown scrolled through the pages of words and felt his frame melt.

“I know it’s not as good as what you gave me but—”

“I love it!”, He lifted Knockout off the ground and squeezed, “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome but watch the paint!”

———

3) Bumblebee/Blitzwing (TFA Blitzbee)

Bumblebee wasn’t one for snow to be perfectly honest. Sure, making snowmen and having snowball fights with Sari were fun, but he mostly did those activities to make her happy as her best friend. The frosty windows on the base served as another reminder as to why he liked to stay inside where it was warm and there was plenty of oil to drink, so it was rather ironic when he started seeing a mech who could make ice and enjoyed just burying himself in the frozen stuff.

“Come outside my little bee~”

Random sang softly and taunted him from outside the Autobot base. The heat from Blitzwing’s system fogging up the window further. Everyone else in the base had retreated back to their rooms for the night, leaving Bee free to do what he wanted in the living room. At least, he would be if there wasn’t a giant beige and purple bot trying to get him outside.

“No way Blitzbrain. It’s beyond freezing out there. I’m not locking up my servos just so you can eat street snow again.”

Bumble whispered harshly and opened the window, a gush of frozen air creeped their way through the cracks of his frame. His central heating system kicked online.

Random’s glossa slithered out of his intake, “Aww why not?”

“Because it’s gross. And that’s saying something when it comes from me!”

Vrrrr.

“I suppose that’s true.”, Icy’s lips pouted outward as he pressed his digits to his chin. His sharp features standing out in the crisp darkness of the night, “But aren’t you the one always wanting to go out? Why is it so different this time?”

“Because time impossible to drive in snow and I don’t wanna deal with traffic.”

“It’s the middle of the night.”

“So?”

Vrrrr.

“So why don’t you want to come out here and spend some time away from this stupid base you tiny bug bot!”

Bee held a digit to his intake, “I’m right here idiot, you’ll wake everyone up and then they’ll see you and then we’ll have to fight.”

Vrrrr.

“You’re afraid of the snow aren’t you.”

“What? No. That’s not—I’m not afraid of it are you kidding me? Only sparklings are afraid of stupid things like that.”

“Ok, so you just don’t like the cold.”

“So what if I don’t?”

“Even if you can’t drive, it’s still a nice night for flying.”

Bumblebee’s optics widened, “Flying?”

“Yes. Calm winds, clear skies, no organics or bots in the streets, what more could you wait for?”

“You’re gonna take me flying?”, Bee’s voice rose in pitch and he looked up at his mechfriend with stars in his eyes.

Vrrrr.

“If you keep repeating the same thing I’ll crush you with this wall!”

Vrrrr.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen something go splat!”

Random laughed at his own morbid thought.

“Ok, first of all, don’t crush me. You’re like three times my size, you don’t need a wall. Second, as long as I don’t have to get my servos wet I’ll be there in a nanoklik.”

Bumblebee gave a quick peck before racing away to touch himself up a little for his small impromptu date.

———

4) Megatron/Soundwave (MegaWave)

Megatron was busy. Again.

Soundwave didn’t mind it much as he just worked on his reports, but deep in his spark he really hoped he would’ve made some time to be with him. There was no such luck unfortunately. Soundwave knew his leader was always busy which is what made their small times together all the more special and intimate. Nobody ever saw the side of the warlord that he did and he was quite proud of that. It made him feel special.

>Soundwave.

A private communication line blipped open from Megatron. What convenient timing.

>Yes, Lord Megatron?

>I need you to send a message to Shockwave about the latest export of energon. There will be a delay because of Autobot meddling, but it shouldn’t take more than a couple earth cycles to have everything in order.

>Message received. Will be sent as soon as possible.

>Good. By the way Soundwave, I’ve left something for you in your desk compartment. Consider it a token of my appreciation for all you’ve done staying loyal to the Decepticons.

>Understood. Thank you Lord Megatron.

With that, the line cut off and Soundwave was left alone again in the communication center. His optics glanced over at the large compartment in his desk and opened it. Inside he found a small stack of datapads and one single use datapad filled out.

—

‘To: Soundwave

Silent as a thief in the night

You crept into my spark and took flight

Your visor so full of mystery

Yet take away much of my misery

In war there is treachery

In war there is loyalty

No words could ever be strung to say how much you mean to me

Merry Christmas,

From Megatron

—

A/N: I’m done with this post. Whoop. 4 short stories in one post. This is all I could crank out in a few hours. I didn’t anticipate this day to be so busy for me😭😭. I’ve been hanging out with family and dropping off gifts for friends at their door step. You can kinda tel I gave up at the end and poems aren’t really my thing. I’ll finish the rest tomorrow, so just pretend that whatever I post tomorrow was done today. Tell me what you think and have a nice night. I’m gonna pass out now. Mwah.

AND YES WHEN I WRITE MEGS IN ANY FIC HE IS A MUSHY BASTARD WHEN HES NOT AN ASS HAT AND THATS ON SOFT BASTARDS😌✨✨

[zachnovak]

So I don’t normally log onto this account much so I haven’t seen any of the many messages and such I’ve been getting on recent posts concern some dumb drama. In a nut shell, some adults who act more like immature children from the Mean Girls universe love to make crap up and I was the current target as I.... was breathing? I dunno. Apparently I’m the anti christ or something and they haven’t gotten over that their attempts to cancel me and even cause me to commit acts of self harm with continued targeted harassment and involving me in drama I know nothing about have all failed. Frankly, it’s because I literally don’t give a shit. I come to tumblr to RP, make my posts, and then hop on my PS4, switch, class work, gym time whatever. I don’t care about drama or what’s going on in the RPC as I know it’s a shot show filled with drama and people trying gossip girl type ‘takedowns’ of others just for breathing in when they were suppose to breathe out.

Because of that crap I literally just sign on to in the RPs I’m in then close the tumble tab. I do not have a personal, I do not check out any tags other than for the face claims I use to get pics or gifs, and I go out of my way NOT to know anyone’s personal blogs or their aliases. If we talk on discord great, if not, great as well. I do occasionally make my own group and put my current one on hiatus as the recent drama turned me off but going to reopen it soon. I’ve just been part of a couple of groups since and currently. However, since some people are interested in my past here because of the nonsense, here we go.

I was on an RP called alegendreborn which was one of my first RPs on tumblr. It seemed great and welcoming. I picked one of their skeleton canons and was happy to be there. I got along with people but didn’t know how to reblog properly as I was new to tumblr and three way posts were extreme confusing. Apparently my inability to properly reblog them pissed off some of the members. Because of that I only really talked to one person in the RP who helped me learn how to reblog correctly. Also, my character had a pre-established connection to another as a ‘best friend’ so we had a couple of threads. However, I quickly noticed the min of that character could go 3 weeks to months without posting but pass all activity checks and would focus on bubble RPing with the same three muns. When this person ignored our thread for weeks I sent them three messages four days apart each that reminded them of the thread which I was told they’d post. On the last message I told this person I was ending our thread and requesting that staff change my characters group in an event they were running as they put our characters in the same group and I no longer trusted this person to post in a timely manner to me. I was quickly ‘invited to leave’ and had multiple members message me on Skype to basically tell me I was shit and an awful person for trying to get a reply I’d been waiting 2 months to get. So I left and never looked back.

I later joined an RP called warofthenewage-rpg which again seemed friendly but much more basic lore wise than the previous RP. I quickly noticed a character who was almost EXACTLY like a skeleton canon I had on an RP I made on a jcink forums RP two years before. I messaged the player of that character asking if he knew of my RP he said he did but before I could presue anything he instantly wanted to plot my character with his. I did message the main about it but was later told they ‘never got it’. We plotted our character as a couple as the chemistry they were displaying in our first few threads was very apparent and we loved posting together and could pop out paragraphs of posts minutes after the other just posted. Eventually, that min begun to became very controlling of how and what I was posting. If my character had a thought of his that wasn’t postive or lovey, he’d berate the hell out of me on Skype and threaten to end our plot. Apparently he had also been complaining the his friends in the RP and told them I posted ‘too many actions’ and that it made him feel forced to react in specific ways. That telephoned to other members and morphed into I was forcing him to do exactly what I told him to post and poweplaying/god modding him. Now I come from forum RPs and there to post A LOT and you progress the thread with each post. This is done so you’re not 30 posts in and you’re characters are still at the door that one of them knocked on in the very first post.

Eventually, most members begun to refuse to speak to me because of the complaining he did which they’d snowball into some out of this world epic drama. The staff even begun to be hostile, use the gossip blog to belittle my character, and would pretend not to receive my applications when I tried for additional characters or my wanted ads but use the info to create a very similar character or ‘update’ an existing one. Well, about 2 months of members ignoring me or belittling me followed, staff made it worse and the mun I had a plot with decided to when not telling me I suck and no one liked me, he’d say we still had our plot but then took my character out of the equation and made another character take his place. Naturally I was upset as I had been through months of harassment, belittling, and treated like crap by everyone in the RP because of this guy only to in the end be thrown away. I resolved to move my character on. I only spoke to him and two other people in the RP and one of them had a character that was insanely into my character. However, the guy I had the plot with was insanely sexually attracted to the face claim so when my character and this new one had threads, he tried to tell the RP and even the other mun that I was forcing them into posting and into smutting which was engaged by the other person in one of our threads. I was harassed by that guy for days until I dropped that plot and basically used a ‘reset’ option for my character. However, that pissed off the guy and I again was relentlessly attacked by him on Skype. After months of the members ignoring me for (to my knowledge, no reason as I never spoke with 98% of the RP) or insulting me and out right telling me to kill myself, an attempt was made and I was effectively gone for almost two months for recovery.

Almost a year later I came back and begun to remake my old jcink RP here on tumblr. It took me about 5 months to do and I dug up codes from codepen and codrops to use in the theme. I also copied the aesthetic from the jcink RP’s theme and brought it over. The RP was very popular and seen as one of the best designed and story driven ‘mutant’ type RPs around. However, an admin from another RP became very bitter at it and me. This admin ran an RPH and had their own RP in the same genre in the past. They were revamping it and noticed our RPs had a similar aesthetic, apparently monchromatic themes AKA a them that uses shades of white, grey, and black for most of its coloring was only allowed to be used by that admin. The admin attacked my RP and claimed I had stolen their theme and coding and even went so far as going into my coding and pasting selective bits of it. I was asleep when she made the original post and woke up to dozens of anon messages ranging from calling me a thief to demanding I kill myself. All my members were harassed in the same way and she had contacted all the RPHs I had asked for a shoutout or was on their spotlights of to ‘inform them’ and then openly attack them if they didn’t remove any mention of my RP and signal boost her post. She even went so far as to harass and threaten RPs I was on, that I was one, or that had a character that sounded anything like any of mine. I even had an affiliation thing started but many of those I had been added to messaged me that they were being harassed and I told them to pretend they didn’t know what was going on. I’d take the hit for them and spare them farther harassment and leave their RPs if they wanted as I was on most of them.

During this time I was recovering from everything I was being slammed with be anons and the RPs previously mentioned going off as well in some pity attempt to get revenge for... not being liked on their RPs three and two years previously? I also was collecting evidence that many of the codes this RPH claimed she made and in stole were in fact on codrops and codepen. A good amount I made myself but a large chunk were from these resource sites with some heavy edits so they’d work better on tumblr. I even had evidence that many of her own coding templates had codes directly from these sites and others with no credit given to them and her claiming she created all the coding on her own. I submitted it to many RPHs and many of them saw the error and how this person was very toxic in the community and was making more drama than helping it. Some ignored it outright as she was popular and I was just a nobody. It took 3 years to recover from it in terms of my reputation and I again shut down my RP for a bit as I had made another attempt on my own life as that person and her friends continued to harass me and attack me on their personal or RPH accounts.

The last bit of drama came when I joined an RP called Corinth Bay. At first there wasn’t any and I had long since adopted my, sign on just to post and then bounce method of being on an RP. I eventually got to know one member named Shane. @inthenamexofthemoon I think we became pretty good friends as we talked everyday for basically the whole day. We had plots, enjoyed posting, and just chatting. I noticed that RP was heavily cliquey and wasn’t aware that Shane was a part of the admin’s clique. This group had multiple issues with member complaining their characters were being ignored and people were bubble RPing with the same people over and over. I myself had to constantly ask people if they wanted to plot or just post and even the main had to post up announcement about ignoring starters to make closed ones and expanding who they post with. I also had questions on much of the lore of the RP as other than the origins of each supernatural species, the lore was very generic and vague. I asked around and got a lot of different opinions on what could or couldn’t be done by each species and just went with what was common among them all. Shane himself helped me a bit and I went with his suggestions which apparently were completely wrong as the staff had to talk to me on ‘breaking lore’.

After that, I expressed openly how I felt the staff didn’t like me and my concern that given how cliquey the place was, if the staff didn’t like me I’d probably be ‘exiled’ from the group as a whole AKA no one would post or talk to me. Which did happen with the exception of Shane. Others I had spoken to had long left and told me stories of the awfulness of some of the members and staff. So I begun working on an RP of the same genre that I had half finished years before. Shane was kept in the loop every step of the way and pinned and loved all the lore I showed him which I did to ensure it was both in-depth and easy to follow but also wasn’t ‘bad’ IE, offensive if certain things are mentioned. He loved it and ensured me it was great and pinned everything I showed him so he’d reference it when making his characters. Eventually I worked on it so much that I kept only the bare minimum activity requirements for Corinth Bay but obeyed the rules of activity to the letter. However, the staff ultimately removed me despite even admitting that they knew I still had a couple of days before failing the activity check and had actually ‘not counted’ a couple of posts I made for an event going on as I should have replied to starters for it first but it wasn’t a requirement. Also they used a blog to post up starters as many RPs like to do now only they were also slow to reblog them and never used the starter tags so they’d get buried quickly on the dash with everyone posting picture posts and what not.

Ultimately I gave up on that RP, didn’t need the toxic environment and finished mine. Shane got very quiet though and didn’t reply to my discord messages for a couple of days. When he did he suddenly got a bit hostile and everything in my RP WAS ‘problematic’ and because of that he wouldn’t be joining. I had no idea what he meant as before he said it was perfect and awesome so I asked what he meant specifically. Eveutally he told me a little of what he meant. Apparently there was racism as In the witch’s page mentioning that voodoo and other cultural magical/practices was a form of magic some witches practiced was both racist and cultural appropriation. Although voodoo was indeed a magical/belief practice used as a magical practice I decided to just remove its mention in the end. He also didn’t like that in the lore, there were female characters that were ‘bad’ and that was sexist. This I choose not to change as it’s sexist to say women can’t be villains and felt as just an excuse. Especially since my lore included many powerful women, men, and gender less entities that were villains, heroes, and neutral parties.

Eventually after opening, I decided to message the people I had previous posted with telling them the RP was ready and I’d love for them to check it out. Those from Corinth Bay I messaged were either aware I was making one and wanted to see it or were people Shane and I hinted to it being made and they had at least a slight interest in it. Admittedly, I also messaged blogs that came on the ‘recommended blogs’ part of the dash. Only those that were inactive according to the last few IC posts that were showing in their blogs. I know this gets a mixed reaction from some as some view it as a horrible thing even if the blogs are inactive but many MANY people also appriecate it and the fact that someone read their blog and was very impressed with their writing ability and character. I myself receive many of these messages on my retired blogs and don’t see an issue with it myself. Even if I did I’d just block the blog that sent it and never think of them again like a normal person.

One of the members I DIDN’T even know who they were apparently didn’t like this and decided to make drama over it. To this day I don’t know who this person even is or was when I was on that RP and still don’t as everyone drops and makes new characters when bored on there. Shane went fully 180 on me and turned vile and petty which is clearly to save face with the people on that RP. He knows me from all our talks and that the bullshit he spreads is itself false but still was a bit of a pity bitch for a while. Apparently the friend @stephwuzhere @loganlcrmans of the admin that tried to cancel me also wanted to rehash that old drama but was quickly shut down. I had no idea who this person even was at first as again, I don’t follow any tags and go out of my way to avoid personal blogs and ones like RPH, RPT, and whatever unless just asking for a quick shoutout to my RP. I had no idea that this person was also very toxic and involved in targeted harassment, grooming, and identity theft of various people in the RPC just because she didn’t like them at the moment.

I have decided to stay away from this shit storm despite some of these people still trying to drag me into it even though I literally haven’t thought about them for months and barely even remember they exist. I’ll be reopening my RP soon and hope that these people who live their privlenged lives will eventually get over themselves and do some growing up. I say their are privileged because you must be if you can harp on drama for months and keep dragging someone you have no connection or knowledge of. The rest of us, adults, have things like work, bills, school, friends, and trying to destress from watching our bank account get more and more empty to care about pity immature online drama. Especially when it’s bullshit like ‘he dared to remind me he exists’. Please, grow up and do better people. There is life outside of the internet and when you get too old to be in the RPC which is apparently a thing now, you’ll see just how stupid you were to make so much drama for no reason other than being pity, stupid, immature, brats.

[captainkippen]

SEND ME FIC PROMPTS

17. Tucking their hands beneath the other person's shirt just to watch them break the kiss and gasp at the sensation of cold hands on their skin.

26. Brushing a kiss along the shell of the other person's ear.

33. An unexpected kiss that shocks the one receiving it.

42. Distracting kisses from someone that are meant to stop the other from finishing their work and give them kisses instead.

I mushed several prompts together here. Hope you like it!

*

Cyrus won't lie… he's a little bit mad at TJ. He knows the silent treatment probably isn't the best way of the dealing with the situation. After all, it's important to have clear and open lines of communication between them in order to effectively express feelings about their relationship. However, right now he thinks if he gives in advance speaks to him he might just end up making frustrated noises rather than words and possibly kick TJ, which… is not exactly an effective way to have a conversation or deal with the problem at hand.

It is growing significantly more difficult to ignore him though, especially since TJ has slung himself across Cyrus’ shoulders behind him and insists if brushing gentle kisses along the shell of his ear every few seconds.

“C'mon Cy,” he complains quietly. “Are you really still mad about this?”

Yes, he wants to say vehemently, he is VERY mad about it. You see, it's kind of a dumb argument that's made him angry. A couple of hours ago he and TJ had been goofing around in the front yard. It's been snowing in Shadyside the last couple of days and they were having the usual kind of fun that comes with winter weather. Snowball fights, snow angels, building a snowman or two. That had all been fine, and TJ had ended up pulling him in for a kiss. It was sweet and romantic, then very quickly ruined by TJ shoving his cold hands up Cyrus’ shirt. There had been a lot of surprised shrieking and laughter, and in the chaos of Cyrus’ reaction TJ had accidentally murdered the snowman they'd built not ten minutes before by falling into it. Cyrus isn't exactly sure how it had spiralled into an argument, but it had. It was ridiculous, but TJ had refused to say sorry. That's the thing. Cyrus isn't really mad about the snowman; more at TJ's stubbornness.

TJ has a bad habit of failing to apologise, even when he means to, which only served to irritate Cyrus further while they were outside. He had just wanted an apology for the destruction of his hard work. All he wants to hear now is 'I'm sorry’, not rambled excuses or ‘I should apologise’ followed by not actually apologising, but TJ clearly thinks the whole situation is dumb. It is a little bit, but it runs deeper than the snowman. Cyrus thinks this might have been brewing in his subconscious for a while.

He underlines a sentence in his notes with more aggression than is probably necessary, pointedly not responding. They're supposed to be studying anyway, not talking.

TJ sighs. “It was just a snowman.”

Cyrus takes a deep breath in. “It's not about the snowman and you know it.”

“I really don't, I'm not a mind reader.”

Another few minutes go by, Cyrus adding another paragraph to his work. TJ's fingers dance along his shoulders and across the back of his neck, but he won't let himself be distracted by it. Another problem arises due to this: TJ is terribly distracting. Especially when he does what he's begun doing now, which is pressing gentle fleeting kisses to the back of Cyrus’ neck. He hates that it's all he can focus on.

“We’re meant to be doing work,” he grumbles. TJ huffs a little in amusement, Cyrus grows more annoyed.

“You've written that paragraph out three times,” he replies.

Cyrus snaps. He drops his pen and twists around to give TJ a hard kiss on the mouth, causing him to make a loud noise of surprise before melting into it. Cyrus twines his fingers in his hair and pulls him closer, kissing him as deeply and enticingly as he can manage. Then he pulls back. TJ makes a confused noise and tries to chase his lips, but Cyrus shoves the edge of his notebook between their mouths.

“Will you shut up and let me do my work now?” He asks, tone steely. TJ stares at him. There's a beat of silence and Cyrus turns back to his work with a huff.

“...can you at least explain to me why you're so mad?” TJ's asks, his voice surprisingly timid. He actually seems to be taken Cyrus’ annoyance seriously now, which is a nice change. “And then I'll leave you alone, I promise.”

Cyrus exhales loudly but puts his pen down again. He turns around properly this time so he can actually look his boyfriend in the eye. “You never said you're sorry.”

“I-”

He holds up a hand and halts TJ before he can continue his interruption. He needs to get this out rather than letting his anger continue to simmer.

“You never said you're sorry and you never do. I know we don't fight that much, which is great, but when we do you never apologise and it drives me up the wall.”

“I do so apologise.”

“Can you name one time you've said 'I’m sorry’ to me? Because I can't.”

“The first time we fought,” TJ says confidently. “At the swings.”

Cyrus shakes his head. No, TJ hadn't apologised. He'd said he was going to, then didn't, and then they'd argued about him not saying it and he'd told Cyrus he was annoying. At the time, Cyrus had been too blindsided by the sudden realisation that he liked TJ to point out that he still hadn't apologised. They'd never had an opportunity to discuss it again.

“You didn't, you said you were going to but you didn't.”

TJ purses his lips and frowns, thinking hard about something.

“Can I go back to my studying now?” Cyrus asks. TJ nods.

Half an hour goes by before either of them speak again.

“...Cy?”

“Yes?”

“I'm sorry.”

Cyrus looks up in surprise. He turns to see TJ looking at him with an openly vulnerable expression of honesty.

“I'm sorry for the snowman. I'm sorry for not saying sorry about the snowman to begin with and I'm sorry for all those other times I didn't say I was sorry,” he continues. “I should've said it at the time. It's not fair that I didn't. I'll try to do better next time.”

Cyrus smiles. “That's all I wanted to hear. It's okay.”

TJ gives him a grateful smile. “Can I kiss you properly now?”

With a roll of his eyes, he nods. TJ's smile widens and he leans in to press their lips together. It's a wonderful kiss; sweet and romantic.

...Cyrus shoves a cold hand under TJ's shirt. Just for a little payback.

[spaceprimcessleia]

All the Years

A belated merry Christmas and a happy new year to @viharistenno 

Here’s your Bering and Wells holiday gift. I tried to tie in some of your preferences and I hope you enjoy :) 

Myka can feel Helena fidgeting beside her, stretching out her legs and drawing them back up, thumbing through her own book without reading it and nudging closer. It’s what she does when she wants her attention but doesn’t want to interrupt her reading. Pete would just snatch the book out of her hands. So she finishes the paragraph and puts it face down on the bed. It’s an old copy of The Secret Garden that she re-reads every Christmas and it is long past the point of worrying about damaging the spine.

“What do you want?”

Helena just smiles for a moment before she moves across the bed and kisses her in one swift, graceful movement. She pulls away only to take the book from Myka’s lap, memorise the page and set it down on the bedside table before she is back, pushing her girlfriend down into the mattress. As her hands slide beneath Myka’s shirt, there’s a rapid fire knock at the door and flies open before either of them have a chance to say anything.

Myka scrambles to get out from under Helena while her partner covers his eyes with his hands.

“Pete!”

“My eyes!”

“Well perhaps if you waited for an invitation you wouldn’t walk in on private moments.”

Myka glares at him. “What do you want?”

“Wrap up warm,” he says, his hand still over his eyes, ignoring Helena. “We’re going sledging.”

Helena sighs beside her. “You do as you wish, Peter, but I can think of something I would rather be doing right here.” She smiles at Myka who feels heat burn beneath her skin.

“Oh my god, just for that you’re coming with me.” And with his hand still over his eyes, he fumbles blindly for the door handle and backs out of the room.

~*~

Somehow, they end up on top of a hill just outside of town with three regular sledges and a dubious looking one Pete found in the warehouse. Artie flat out refused to come, but Claudia had already found everyone scarves, hats and gloves before Myka and Helena had even struggled into some pants and Christina and Steve had been dragged out of bed and bundled into them (over their pyjamas).

“I didn’t survive my own murder to get killed by snow,” Christina mutters, eyeing up Pete’s sled, but not loud enough for her mother to hear. They’ve had her back for more than a year, but Helena still flinches whenever anyone mentions her daughter’s death.

Pete pats the top of his sledge, grinning. “Wanna go, Myks?”

“No I don’t. And if you do, we’re going to have to add it to the list of artifacts that almost killed you.”

“It’s Christmas,” Pete argues with the conviction of a child. “No one dies at Christmas.”

“Oh my god.” Myka turns away from him, looking out at the doll’s house town scattered with twinkling Christmas lights. If the sledge wasn’t doomed before, it is now and Myka closes her eyes, shutting out even the lights as Pete perches it on the top of the hill and climbs on.

“I dare you,” Christina helpfully chips in.

“Well I’m certainly not spending Christmas in the coma ward,” Helena sighs, but she takes Myka’s hand and squeezes it. She knows how much Myka hates this side of her partner, the reckless abandon for the rules. She lives by order, she always has, even before Sam.

“It’s all right, we can bury his mangled body in the snow.”

“Christina!” Helena hisses, her hand clenching around Myka’s, but Myka can hear the affection, even in the reprimand.

She opens her eyes in time to see Pete push himself off the top of the hill. For a second it seems like an ordinary sled, but then it speeds up, burning down the hill so quickly that Myka’s heart doesn’t even have time to jump to her mouth before he’s at the bottom, still speeding along the flat snow, but slowing. “Oh my god,” she repeats, her legs weakening in relief.

When Pete finally stops all together, he’s so far away they can hardly see him.

“He’s not dead!” cries Claudia, throwing her arms into the air. “I want a turn.”

“You’re going nowhere near it,” Helena tells her, sternly enough that Claudia lets her arms drop and sticks out her bottom lip. “Neither are you,” she tells her daughter.

“What about me?” asks Steve, dryly. “Can I go on?”

“You can do whatever you please.”

“No way, if I’m not allowed, neither are you, Jinksy,” Claudia protests.

“Except I’m a grown man,” points out Steve.

“So am I! Grown woman.”  

“I don’t care.” Helena ends the argument, calmly.

Claudia scowls. “Fine,” she huffs, taking a normal sledge. She gets on and Christina leaps on behind her, pushing them off before Claudia can even get a grip with a mock cowboy “Yee ha!”

Helena watches them for a moment, her hand warm around Myka’s. Then she picks up the remaining sled and lays it down on the floor. “Care for a ride, my love?” Snow is still falling, catching in the hair that hangs around Helena’s shoulders. Behind her a blanket of it disappears into the darkness and for the first time, Myka really feels like it’s Christmas.

She climbs on behind Helena, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend’s waist. She pushes them off from behind and the snow melts into her gloves. She waits until they’re speeding down the hill before she slips her soaked hand beneath Helena’s shirt. Myka hears her shriek at the same time as the sledge tips and they both topple into the snow.

~*~

An hour later and they’re all pink cheeked and minus the coats, breathing hard but grinning too. It’s been the best Christmas Eve Myka can remember having in a long time- last year they were still getting used to Christina and the ones of her childhood are nothing she wants to remember. Pete wants one more go on his death-sled before they leave.

Myka rolls her eyes and pushes herself off the top of the hill on her own, planning to wait for him at the bottom with a snowball. She’s at the foot of the hill, still on the sled when she hears someone yell. Helena yell.

She turns, just catching sight of the figures at the top before there’s a thump that jars her entire body, like the world has stopped spinning abruptly, then she’s flying, sailing through the bitter, winter air. She lands in slow motion, slow enough to have time to see the ground, the rock dusted by snow, enough time to think I hope I don’t hit that, before she does.

~*~

Helena keeps her arm wound tightly around Myka’s waist and she leans into her, wishing she could close her eyes. In the warehouse, they’re immediately flocked by Claudia, Pete and Leena.

“Myks, I’m so sorry.” Pete stands back from Helena’s glare, looking pale, his hair wild like he’s been raking his hands through it for the past two hours.

“Apologies don’t have healing properties!” Helena snaps, but Myka manages a weak smile.

“It’s okay, Pete. Really. It was an accident.”

“An accident that would never have happened if you people would learn to leave the artifacts alone!”

Myka winces as Artie’s voice splices through her skull.

“Dude,” Claudia hisses, “Quit with the yelling.”

“I can make some hot chocolate?” Leena offers.

Myka’s stomach turns at the thought.

“I think perhaps coffee would be more beneficial.” Helena suggests.

She doesn’t want anything really, except to get into their bed and sleep all the way through the next morning, but the doctor told her that wasn’t an option. Twelve stitches in her head and a command to stay up for at least twenty four hours. And that’s after being up for sixteen already. She lets her head fall onto Helena’s shoulder, who gently strokes the dip of her waist. It isn’t the first time Myka wishes they could be alone.

Helena steers her to the couch, where Pete hovers anxiously and Claudia has prepared a cove of pillows and blankets. “I’m trying not to fall asleep, Claud.” But she sits down anyway, too dizzy to stay on her feet.

“I’ll poke you with a fork whenever you look like you’re going to fall asleep,” Christina offers, demonstrating gently. Her and Claudia crash onto the couch too, leaving the guys to the hard chairs scattered around the place.

Pete actually takes one without complaining and when she looks at him, Myka can still see the guilt etched across his face. It had been his sled that had hit hers- thankfully not going full speed, but fast enough to break the wood in two and throw her several feet away from it. If it weren’t for the soft landing of the snow she probably would have earned herself a lot more than a grade two concussion. It’s what she’s been told, anyway. Myka herself only remembers the yelling, which had been the others trying to tell her to move.

What she does remember though is seeing Helena ashen and shaking and feeling her clinging to her hand so tightly she thought she might crush the bones. She remembers Helena snarling at Pete to stay away and him backing off, looking like he had found himself with a bloodied knife in his hands. Myka had tried to tell them she was okay, but the blood pouring from the gash across her head said something else. The headache, too.

Now her friends are all sitting around her, beside her, Helena is still holding her hand and no one looks like they’re going to bed any time soon, even though it’s 2.23am on Christmas morning. “You don’t all have to stay up,” Myka tells them. “I’m fine.”

Pete shakes his head. “If you’ve gotta stay awake, we’re doing it with you.”

“It’s not like I ever sleep anyway.” Claudia shrugs.

Artie just sighs and mutters something about work. He starts to leave but Claudia lunges for him, catching him by the sleeve of his sweater. “No way, old man, it’s Christmas.”

“We could open presents!” Pete says with a hint of a gleam in his eyes for the first time in hours.

“We were supposed to get presents?” Steve looks at Pete and then at the others.

Claudia chucks a pillow at him. “Of course we were supposed to get presents, you douche!”

Steve catche it and grins. “Lucky I did then. Just in case.”

“It’s too early for presents,” Myka argues. “If you open them now there won’t be any left for later.”

Pete scowls. “All right, Mom.”

Christina suggests a movie (but calls it a film), but Myka is sure she’ll fall asleep if she doesn’t have something more active to do. Nothing that actually involves getting off the couch though. It’s Artie of all people who digs out a pile of old board games. There’s Monopoly, which could easily last them the entire night, Aggravation, Articulate, Cluedo, Trivial Pursuit, a deck of cards and inexplicably- Hungry Hippos.

Of course Pete wants to play that one first and Myka loses because she’s sitting cross legged rather than kneeling like the others and can’t quite get the angle right to be quick enough so she sits out of the next round and watches Pete mock everyone for being a loser before he’s knocked out of the game himself and sits, pouting, on the other side of the board. Then they start on Aggravation because it requires the least concentration.

It also causes the most rage. Myka’s pretty sure either Claudia or Steve will be the first one to flip the board, but it’s Christina who eventually picks up one of the tiny balls, after being sent back to home for the seventh time, and chucks it at Pete’s head. “Christina,” Helena chastises, half heartedly. Claudia picks up one of her own and chucks it too. Helena sighs.

“Do we have any eggnog?” Claudia asks, rolling the dice.

“No.” Helena’s response is immediate.

“How do you know?”

“Myka can’t drink. Peter can’t drink. Christina can’t drink, and neither can you.”

Before Claudia can open her mouth to protest, Artie gets in first. “For god sake, she’s not a child.”

Helena raises one eyebrow. “Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Arthur.”

“Jealous? Why the hell would I be jealous?”

But Helena just smiles and turns back to the game to take her turn. For a moment, no one says anything.

“So,” says Claudia, breaking the silence. “That’s a no on the eggnog?”

~*~

Helena sweeps a lock of hair away from her face to look at the dressing taped over the stitches. Myka isn’t sure what she’s looking for, exactly, but she remembers the look on her face at the bottom of the hill and lets her do it. “How are you feeling?” she murmurs, like she’s scared of being too loud and hurting her. Her fingers are still stroking the side of Myka’s head, gentle and soothing.

Myka leans into the touch. “I’m okay,” she promises. “The advil is helping.” They had given her something stronger at the hospital, but she wasn’t allowed to take it just yet. It would make her too drowsy. But finally they’re in their bedroom, alone, and she can sleep soon. Let the hours of exhaustion melt away from her and sink into bed with her girlfriend. There is nothing to do tomorrow, nowhere to be. Myka is off duty and even as a Regent, Helena has managed to snag a few days off for Christmas.

Helena leans over to kiss her forehead. “I can only remember being that afraid once before,” she whispers and Myka doesn’t have to ask to know. Her hand reaches up, around the back of her neck.

“I’m okay,” she says again.

With their foreheads resting together, Helena pushes something into Myka’s hands. “I don’t ever want to be without you,” she says and something about the way she says it makes Myka’s heart flutter inside her chest, like someone has released a swarm of butterflies and they’re arching up into the sky in an array of beautiful colours. She looks down at the parcel in her hands. It’s thin and retangular. A book of some kind. “Merry Christmas, darling.”

Myka unwraps it slowly, her hands trembling. First she unpicks the ribbon until it slides through her fingers and falls away. Then she peels the tape off carefully, more to preserve the moment than the paper. It feels like something that should take time. Finally the book is concealed in loose paper and she can slide it out of the wrapping.

It’s bound in leather in a deep blue, the title pressed into the cover in silver. It’s one Myka has never heard of, but beneath it is the author’s name. Helena Wells. “You wrote me a book,” Myka breathes. It feels like the butterflies are stuck in her throat now.

Helena’s hand cradles hers. “Perhaps you should open it.”

Swallowing hard, Myka flicks to the first page. The dedication. Her breath leaves her body all together. The words blur on the page.

“Myka?” Helena is trying to keep her voice light but it doesn’t quite work. It comes out like a piano out of tune.

Myka looks up from the book, at her girlfriend. “Yes,” she chokes out.

Helena’s eyes widen slightly, her mouth curving into the first glint of a smile. “Yes?”

“Yes!” Myka laughs, the word bursting out of her again. “Yes! God, yes, I’ll marry you.”

They collide, Myka ignoring her lingering dizziness to pull Helena close and kiss her, the book between them and open to the same page. There isn’t a ring, but it doesn’t matter. It’s the most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for her. And when Helena kisses her, her head spins for a whole new reason. She thinks: This can’t be real, but it’s there on the page, literally in black and white and she can never read in dreams.

For Myka. All the tomorrows in the world will not be enough to spend with you. So for the ones we have left, will you be my wife?

[chamele0nb0y]

Morning Meditation 3/22/2017

I will never be good enough.  No matter the changes I have made and no matter the amends I make I am a prisoner of my self-destructive past and the bridges I left burning behind me.  People meeting me today wouldn’t recognize the man I was in my past, however for those who knew me, at any moment that man will be back and this one will fade away.  For those people I will always be pretending that I am something other than the monster I used to be.  Life is a prison of perception and I have no hope for escape.

Know what? That’s not my problem.  For everyone who chooses to remain a prisoner to the past I wish they would see otherwise but as long as they choose to remain there they can live their miserable lives worrying about how everyone is out to get them.  For me, I don’t live there anymore.  I have my own happy life that I am living either way.  Wait, that sounds a little harsh.  Let me try saying it a little nicer.  I don’t give a shit.  No, that doesn’t work either.  My life is right now and not back then.  I know my past, and I have done what was necessary to change the behavior and emotions I thought were inappropriate.  I’ve done the hard work and I know it.  I do know what I am talking about and I know that you are not the person in my head.  No matter what you think, it is impossible for you to ever comprehend what’s in there.

I am the authority on my own life.  Advice will always be appreciated.  It will be weighed, measured, and applied or ignored by my own understanding of myself.  It is my decision because I know what I am talking about.  Since you can never know all the facts because you aren’t in my head, you have no ground to stand on when you try to judge me.  Judging me, not having faith in me, not believing in me hurts.  Sure it does, but I don’t have to care.  I understand the limitations of how you see me and realize it hurts me far less than it hurts you.  You limit the possibilities for the future.  I step out of the cage and become free.

It may just be my perception but those first three paragraphs seem pretty brutal.  That’s about as raw as it gets.  When we talk about letting go of our past and believing in ourselves we gloss over how ugly that is.  In practice we miss these steps and keep getting dragged down.  How can you ever let go of the past when everyone around you still reminds you of it.  They may be great letting go of their past but letting go of other people’s is an entirely different story.  We pretend we’ve let go of it. We go through the motions and act how we think we should be as a more “enlightened” person.  It still haunts us because no one else can let it go.  These are the people who are supposed to care about us, but they don’t celebrate our wins with us because they keep waiting for the old to come back up.

In a perfect world we would walk away from them all.  We would surround ourselves with people who celebrate who we are now and life would be groovy.  In a perfect world we would be perfect but here in the real world even after leaving our old lives and our old relationships we will make mistakes with our new ones.  We don’t even have to make the mistake; they can just perceive that we did.  That snowballs into more resentments, more changes, and eventually every couple of years we have to pack up and find new friends.  Taken in this context it makes sense that monks would take a vow of silence and meditate in a corner for the rest of their lives.  At least that way they don’t have to deal with people.

My past sucks.  It’s full of behavior I am ashamed of and people I have hurt even though I never intended to.  My list of mistakes is too long to ever go through.  If I had any sense I would run like hell, shave my head and find my own corner to meditate in.  Fuck that.  This is my life and I refuse to hide from it. Hell, I celebrate those mistakes not for the people I hurt or the damage I left, but because it’s a reminder of just how far I’ve come and how much I have changed.  Some of my life is ugly.  Some of it is painful.  Other parts of it are amazing and truly beautiful.  I’ll be damned if I am going to run from all that. 

People ask me about how I went from the guy I was to the one I am.  That makes me happy.  It really sucked getting here and I am damn proud of the fact I stuck to it.  Every single genetic, environment, and thinking was all stacked against me but I have kept going.  I still keep going.  The rug gets pulled out from me regularly, but I have an addiction now.  I’m addicted to the peace I get when my mind is silent.  I am addicted to not being afraid.  I am addicted to that feeling I have knowing that I can handle whatever comes.  When people come to me I am like any junkie.  I want you hooked too.  I believe there’s nothing stopping any of us from it.  When people come and tell me their past, it breaks my heart.  There’s an importance in it, but when you bring it to me immediately, you are still a prisoner to it.  The past absolutely has relevance to how you feel right now, but should it?  Isn’t that holding you back?  Could it be that when you let go of the past and quit worrying about the judgements and perceptions of those who can’t let it go, you can find that those emotions really don’t matter in what’s going on right now?

I don’t like the perception of the patient laying on the couch while the therapist says, “Now tell me about your childhood”.  Does it really matter?  Are you still that kid?  Those friends and loved ones who still think of you that way or are still stuck in the same behavior shouldn’t have power over you should they?

If you are reading this you may think that I am struggling with an issue or having a hard time.  It’s quite the opposite I assure you.  As I meditated this morning I thought about how proud I am of my life.  I was an asshole.  I was a liar, a thief, and pretty much all of the bad things you can think of.  I think the only thing I missed was murder but even that wasn’t for a lack of trying. I’ve also had the opportunity for some amazing experiences.  There’s triumph and tragedy, joy and fear, but it’s all mine and I am damn proud of it.  I am proud of the change I have made and of all the changes I will make.  I am proud of my friends and my family.  I know that there might not be a tomorrow and I can say that after all is said and done I am proud that I lived this life.

No matter what other people may say about you.  No matter how bad it was.  You have right now to change.  With every moment you have the opportunity to be proud of who you are and the life you lived.  It may have all sucked but it’s yours and you have the chance to take pride in your life to make it better.  When you are proud of it the noise around you doesn’t matter.  When you are proud of the mistakes because they are examples of your change, those mistakes don’t sting anymore.  When you are proud and truly love your life, nothing stands in the way of finding your peace.

Re-read my first couple of paragraphs and you’ll know that I have a line of people willing to say I’m just a nutjob so there’s that.

Mike