#this took me entirely too long

[fanfoolishness]

I've been meaning to dive into how much I love Cal and Cere's tension, and their relationship, in Fallen Order. It's so well-written and well-acted, and I love how much both of them grow throughout their time together. Buckle in, folks, this is a long one!

Here, Cal's just been rescued by the Mantis crew after being kidnapped to fight the Haxion Brood. This is something he has every right to be furious at Greez about. Greez's gambling debts led the Brood to put out bounties on him, and when they couldn't get him, they snagged a kid who just happened to fall into Greez's orbit. Cal and BD-1 were both at risk of losing their lives for Greez's mistakes. While Greez is appropriately apologetic, Cal barely even pays attention. He stares at Cere, his shoulders slumped, expression barely hiding his hurt.

He's still reeling from what he learned on Zeffo the day before. From who he learned it from.

The Second Sister cornered and nearly killed him, goading him about being a weak Padawan, about Jaro Tapal. But she also revealed that she was Cere's former Padawan, that Cere had lied to Cal, and that Cere was responsible for what had happened to Trilla.

This devastates Cal.

He holds it together as much as he can. While still on Zeffo, he allows himself a moment of real vulnerability, asking quietly, "Cere, why didn't you tell me?" But by the time he's rescued from the Brood, that vulnerability shifts into disappointment and a desperate hope that somehow Trilla was lying to him.

I love what they do with him here. He's sarcastic. Angry. "I had a nice chat with the Second Sister." He waits a second to drop the bomb. "Trilla." This is Cal Kestis at his most teenaged, snarky and hurt and venomous. He still keeps it reeled in -- he did grow up a Jedi, after all, he's not gonna cuss her out or anything absurd like that -- but he's so human here, and so young.

There's that desperate hope. He asks Cere if it's true, if she really betrayed Trilla to the Empire.

But Cere, for her part, can't go there yet. How she can explain to this traumatized Padawan whose connection to the Force is still so fragile, that not all masters sacrificed themselves for their Padawans? How can she admit it to herself? She tries to deflect and to tell Cal that Trilla would do anything to compromise their mission, because she can't yet say "Yes. I tried to protect her, and I failed, and she paid the price." Because who can just say that? Who can take a look at the lowest they have ever been and stare at it with the cold light of honesty and say yes, the bad things you've heard about me are absolutely true? And imagine trying to do that when you're also trying to make amends, to move forward, to protect other children -- and you know that that protection starts right here, right now, with this one boy, and you've got to do anything you can to earn his trust?

So she deflects, and avoids saying anything of substance, and Cal's having none of it.

Check the subtitle here. We got the ?! in the house!!! Cal has to know, how can she not know how important this is? Because now that he's off Bracca, the safety valve's gone. He's got to do something of meaning now, got to help people the way he should have been doing all along. His own survival? Fine. Who needs it now. If he can just do something meaningful, if he can just keep someone else from having to go through what he did, then by the Force he's going to do it. Once in motion a Cal Kestis in motion must stay in motion, for the alternative is terrifying.

"Is it true?!" and he doesn't know what to think about the former Jedi before him, if he can trust anything she'd told him so far, if she'll protect him if the time comes, if she'll give in to the Empire again. He's pissed off and wounded and scared. Cere and Trilla's relationship has nothing to do with him and everything to do with him.

And Cere just acquiesces that Trilla was her apprentice, and Cal snaps, "You should have told me."

They don't get any more time to deal with it, because Kashyyyk needs them.

If you keep having Cal and Cere interact after this point, Cal is noticeably brittle. Cere tries to apologize, but Cal has thrown up his walls, deciding that fine, this is how it is now, and the trust they were starting to share is over. He doesn't want to talk about it when Cere tries to bring it up... but he lets Greez see how hurt he still is. That's safer than trying to talk to Cere about it directly.

Compare Cal asking why she couldn't tell him, and sharing how he feels like she broke their sense of being a team...

... To Cal's response after Cere admits she should have told him the truth from the beginning. That's what he said earlier that he wanted, but here, he's having none of it. It's too hard to get into with her. He's too afraid of what he'll find if they're really honest at this point, so he tries to shift the focus back to the mission. Things are broken between him and Cere, fine, but they can still do their work. He clings to that. As hurt as Cal is, he knows what they're doing still makes sense, and he still wants to fight against the Empire. If he has to do that with someone he can't trust, well, so be it.

And Cere understands. Despite her fear of going into the truth, she knows she's the one with greater wisdom and experience here. She doesn't tell him he's being a petulant child about something that has nothing to do with him, or tell him he needs to get over it. If she can't be fully honest with him, not yet, she does an admirable job of being otherwise open and accepting of his feelings. She knows he'll either come around, or he won't, and all she can do is offer the space for him to do so.

By the end of the second Kashyyyk mission, Cere's hoping that enough time has passed that maybe Cal's ready to hear more. Perhaps she's also guilty that Trilla went after him again, and that the Ninth Sister also put Cal's life in danger. Whatever the reason, she tries to reach out to him again. She gives more explanation that she has so far, and you can see just how difficult this is for her. All three characters are acted so well here -- Greez awkwardly in the middle putting way too much salt on his food, Cere's halting explanation, and Cal's completely closed off body language. H

ell, we practically even get an eye roll from him. Yeah. This dude's still a teenager.

...but one who's acting this way out of hurt, and out of not knowing/being afraid to know the whole story. Once you know everything that happened to Cere and Trilla, it's not wrong to want to shake Cal and tell him to be more understanding! They were in an impossible situation! There was no way to win and they both lost!

But he doesn't know that, and at this point, it's easier -- less painful for him -- not to know. So he tells Cere it's okay, but the message is, I don't want to hear it. He's been thinking about it all along when he goes off on his missions, and he's come to the conclusion that yeah, Cere probably did the best she could, there's no point dwelling on it, and that's good enough to go on with the mission. It's fine. (He's fine.)

And then we get... Dathomir and Kujet's Tomb, and all of Cal's efforts to move forward in the Force, to be strong when Cere let him down, to focus on the mission, it all goes to hell.

Suddenly Cal's the one overwhelmed by regret and self-blame. He's forced to examine his own darkest day, and when confronted with it, he falls apart. He's heartbroken all over again and convinced that what happened to Master Tapal was entirely his own fault, even though Cere tries to absolve him by telling him the truth, that he was just a child. Cal can't hear a thing she's saying.

Both actors here are so, so good. Cal is scared and small and a hurt, grieving child so desperate to find a sense of control about what happened that he blamed himself. His voice breaks, he hunkers down into himself, he holds his ruined lightsaber as tight as he can. And Cere finally lets the poison spill out, the self-hatred she's been carrying so long, she gets down on his level and manages to say everything she's been holding in. It comes out in a frantic, breathless rush, and honestly, both of them bring tears to my eyes in this scene.

So she's finally open. Finally lays it all out. What happened to her, how she used the dark side, how she failed both Trilla and herself.

More importantly, both for herself and for Cal, she reveals how she kept going. How she found a new hope. How she decided that this was not the end of her story.

Now we see what Cere was like as a Jedi truly. She's compassionate, but commanding. She instructs Cal to get up. Tells him he's going to make a new lightsaber. That it isn't over. That he can move on. He just has to take the first step.

And Cal wipes the tears from his eyes, and nods, and he believes her.

The lesson stays with him. He always was a fast learner. He goes to Ilum and rebuilds his lightsaber, goes to Dathomir and confronts his past again and this time succeeds. He learns that failure is not the end, but a part of the path. He starts to thaw towards Cere, grateful that she didn't turn away from him when he fell to his lowest and confessed what had happened to Master Tapal.

Then Trilla confronts him on Bogano, and he sees what happened first hand.

The entire sequence is gutting. Trilla's fear and agony are palpable, and Cere's devastation -- both emotional and dark side -- are so painful to see. Cal's utterly overwhelmed by it, sent into a partial seizure from the intensity of the flashback. (That dazed expression afterward sure looked post-ictal to me.) And when he gets back to the Mantis, bereft a Holocron, instead of telling Cere the next thing they need to do for the mission....

Cal Kestis halts everything because he has to apologize.

He wastes no time. He tells Cere immediately he saw what they went through. He says "I'm so sorry." And he takes responsibility for his own behavior, that arrogance that he clung to that told him he would never fail someone that way.

The thing is, Cere was comfortable never hearing this apology from him. She had started making peace with it, ever since Dathomir, with what she had done. She never expected him to empathize like this, but hearing it must have been such a powerful, emotional feeling. It's only after Cal apologizes and makes things right between them that he goes forward to discuss what happened to the Holocron and what they need to do next.

When it's Cere who takes the news hard, who blames herself... look who's there, reflecting his master's teachings right back at her. He tells her that mistakes are in the past, that they're in this together, that she won't be going after the Holocron alone; he even reaches out and puts a hand on her shoulder, starting to grow from a mentee to an equal, to someone who can support her as she's been supporting him.

Seeing how Cal lifts Cere up during her darkest time, both here on the Mantis and later in Nur, as a reflection of what she did for him after Dathomir... I could scream about it, okay??? In fact I have been screaming about it! Right here! In this post! For several thousand words!!! Just seeing these two respect each other! Care for each other! Lift each other up!!! I can't even with it! They have both grown SO MUCH!

SHE'S SO PROUD OF HIM JUST LOOK

and then she KNIGHTS HIM and my heart just bursts with pride at how far they've both come, Cere finally embracing the Force again, Cal kneeling to accept a Knighthood he thought he would never, ever see....

you can't tell me he wasn't tearing up here. I saw how bright they made his eyes look in this split second. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME. Damn, I wish I could gif the little looks on his face right at this moment, because you can see so many emotions wash over him. Cameron Monaghan over here just exploding my heart. This kid!!!

...

anyway, I think that's all I've got. Just... CAL AND CERE! They mean a lot to me, okay???

[chicoryblue]

• Scroll Keeper •

[oliverhangout]

✨

[chaosandwolves]

Buddie poetry event

Day 4 - fire

baptized - an original poem by me

@poemsbybuddie

Full poem and ID under the cut

Id:

Ten gifs with various scenes from different episodes. All gifs are slightly tinged red and the poem is written on them in a white relatively big but thin font on a red background to make it more visible. The opacity of the fond is lowered half way so it isn't too dominant. for the most gifs the font is in the middle of the picture

Image 1: Two gifs combined side by side. The first is of Buck holding the picture of Daniel in s4 ep4 . The first verse of the poem is written in the middle, it reads:

Baptized in fire

from the beginning

the right gif is from s4 ep 5 of a young adult Buck standing in front of his parents looking kind of sad. The second verse of the poem is written on its middle and reads:

That glimmer smoldering 

in my bones 

too weak to sustain

the flame

Image 2: Three images from s 4 ep 5 of the various postcards that Buck sent Maddie when he was travelling through the country. The third verse is written over its middle and reads:

It's been running

underneath my skin

eating trough me like

lava; spurring me on

to find its place to

grow 

Image 3: Three gifs one after the other. The first is of Abby leaving where she walks into the airport and Buck looks after her. The second is from s4 ep 4 and shows Buck's mother when she asked at the dinner scene "Evan, I don't know what you expected us to do" .The third gif shows Buck sitting on stairs in his loft with Taylor standing in front of him. It's the scene where he broke up with her. Centered over the gif the fourth verse is written and reads:

That smoldering that slowly 

burned me, eating away 

feasting on my 

heart and hands

which I used, to 

give give give 

in the hopes 

to pass on a spark

Image 4: A gif of the scene from s4 ep 5 where Buck is trying to rescue the factory worker from the fire. He's trying to pull on the rope and screams. The fifth verse is written over its center:

That flare that erupted 

one too many times

finally turned to

raging fire

carving itself into me 

a swath of destruction

cutting off the way

before me and setting

aflame everything I touch

That wasn't what I wanted

Image 5 is from the same scene. Buck is shown from the profile. He's hanging on the rope and has sunk to his knees. The 6th verse reads:

I'm down on my knees

my skin, brittle like embers

my bones, black like coals 

heart burning and burning and burning

Image 6: The gif shows Eddie in three different scenes, one after the other. The first is from s4 ep 5 when Buck arrives back at the firehouse and Eddie greats him and Buck says, "I had to do it" and Eddie answers, "I know you did".

The second scene is from s5 ep 4 where Buck and Eddie are talking on Buck's balcony about Chim and Maddie.

The third pic is from s6 ep 12 where Buck and Eddie talk in Eddie's kitchen and Eddie is looking quite fondly at Buck. Each part of the seventh verse appears one after the other matched with the change of the gifs. It reads:

And then

You

You

You welcome it

Image 7: The gif shows the scene from s3 ep 3 where Eddie has his hand on Buck's shoulder and is about to tell him that there is no one is the world he trusts more with his son than Buck. The 8th verse reads:

Feet covered in soot

Flames licking your skin

Eyes gleaming 

demanding,

'don't look away'

Image 8: Three scenes showing Buck one after the other. The first is from the same scene as the previous scene where Buck meets Eddie's eyes. The second scene is from the kitchen talk from s6 ep 12 and Buck is looking up at Eddie. The third part shows Buck looking at Eddie at the end of the scene from S4 ep 14 when Eddie tells Buck that he's Christopher's legal guardian.

The lines of the 9th verse appear and disappear with each scene and read:

And I don't

I can't

I won't

Image 9: Two gifs combined side by side. The first shows Eddie in s4 ep 5 Where he takes hold of the rope Buck is using to try to save the worker in the factory. The 10th verse on it reads:

You reach out and take that

glimmer, that flame, that fire 

and you make it your own

The right gif shows Buck and Eddie from s6 ep 12 again how they look at each other during the kitchen talk. The 11th verse reads:

Now we're both burning

But

I'm not hurting

anymore

Image 10: A gif of three scenes one after the other. First scene shows Buck and Eddie in s2 ep 4 walking next to each other , smiling and bumping their shoulders. Second scene is rom s3 ep 9 and shows Buck, Chris and Eddie on Buck's couch cheering after playing a video game. Last scene is from s6 ep 13 from the poker night and shows Buck turned around to Eddie who looks at him and grins at him very fondly and happy. The lines of the 12th verse appear and disappear with each scene and read:

I was baptized in fire

but you

You

You've become the flame

[tatanka-of-the-sea]

Fun way to force myself to practice drawing weird poses :)

[absolute-snzaster]

Can I get 4 and 2 for a character of your liking? Very much like to read about someone new as well as someone known... your choice! and 16, by chance?

thanks for the asks mimi!!

so I've got this new character over on another weird niche part of tumblr, and I don't know if she'll ever make an appearance here but she's been pretty much my whole brain lately so I'm gonna answer these for her! we'll call her V here for now

as for an established character: V's backstory has a lot of elements I took from Llewellyn's, so I'll answer for him as well and see how they compare

answers under the cut for length.

4) Do they want to be taken care of? Do they enjoy physical contact or are they rather withdrawn?

V absolutely wants to be taken care of. One of the main things I borrowed from Lew for her is that her rich parents basically left her to be raised by staff, which meant most of her needs in childhood were taken care of in a detached, professional way, and in high school she kind of ended up being the momfriend herself, which was rough on her for a number of reasons. In college she discovered the joy of being Just Baby. She literally fell for the girl who took care of her through all her wild-ass college shenanigans, and that girl is a way better momfriend than she ever was.

And yeah, she almost always wants physical contact. She's touch starved as fuck.

For Lew, caretaking just kind of... never occurred to him as a thing to want. He's not against it, and he definitely needs it when he's sick, so he's perfectly happy to go along with it. It's kind of nice for him to just have someone tell him what to do sometimes, especially when he's sneezy and out of it.

Physical contact for him is... complicated? Like, I'm not sure if he's touch-neutral generally and just super touch starved when he first meets Dal, or if he deadass lives his life ping-ponging between touch-starved and touch-averse as his touch meter gets drained and fills back up. Honestly I think he's like, demi but for touch—i.e., touch-favorable with very specific people and touch-averse with everyone else. (He's bisexual and greyromantic, it really is specifically touch that he's demi about if anything)

2) What do they look like when they don't feel well? Do they dress up to cover up? Do they tend to look sick when they are?

V's more or less a t-shirt-and-jeans girl at the best of times, so when she's sick she kinda just looks marginally more disheveled. Like her hair's slightly messier than usual and it's easier to tell she's slept in her clothes, and there's a slightly higher chance she'll be in sweats or even pajama pants if she's really not feelin it. If she's actually acknowledging that she's sick she'll put on her biggest, comfiest hoodie and just kinda live in it for a few days.

With Lew, there are approximately two differences in his appearance when he has a cold. One is that his nose turns visibly pinkish-red. Like a beacon on his face. The other is that he carries a white fucking handkerchief. Like a nerd.

There are other subtle differences, like the rings under his eyes being a shade or two darker, and his lips being pretty much constantly parted because he's invariably too congested to breathe through his nose, but really, once you see the handkerchief, you already know.

16) Do you have a comfort OC? And if so why? What do you like best about them? Do you relate to them in ways?

Soooo my comfort characters tend to be other people's OCs more often than mine?? 😅 and/or characters from my VNs and shit, but truly, who are VN characters if not other people's OCs lol. So the OCs of mine that end up being comfort characters tend to be... the self-inserts that I fantasize about said other people's OCs through. Lol.

Niko and Dahlia were definitely my go-to comfort pairing for a long time. I've described Dal before as "me if I had my shit together". Her ADHD is well-managed with medication, she's in school and pursuing something that actually interests her, she knows how to drive lmao. Also she's hot as fuck and her goth aesthetic is off the tits because she has the time/money/energy to put into it. She's me in that she's overprotective to the point of being possessive, wants to kill everyone who's ever hurt her loved ones (this is legally hyperbole), is a top and kinky as hell and loves caretaking and fucks a snz. Also probably some other things but those ones come up a lot lmao.

My current comfort ship is V and someone else's character from the weird niche multiverse she exists in. V is also more or less a self insert, but I made her for a story that's more genre fiction than outright fantasy (at least compared to what I usually write, lol), and quite frankly she's a mess. Like, the poor girl might actually be more traumatized than I am. But she cares so much and she has so much love to give and augh I care her 😭😭

[drawingwithdonnie]

I like to think I'm funny (original under the cut)

[existwound]

showdown

[ooliecat]

[courfee]

“Regulus would be proud of us,” James whispered quietly to no one in particular, still gripping onto the painting like a life raft. 

— Tender Curiosities, Baby!  @otrtbs

[royalarchivist]

Ironmouse: Part of the reason why I love this server so much is because everybody's so nice. Everyone! Like, every single person is super nice! And it's like- it's like, genuine nice, it's not like fake niceness. [...] I've literally talked to almost everybody at least once like outside of the QSMP. We've talked on Discord, people regularly check in on me, we get in group chats and we play games like outside of the server... You don't really find that sort of connection all the time with people.

Ironmouse recently talked about her experience on QSMP, and how kind all the members are. I'm posting the entire conversation instead of cutting it up like I usually would because I really enjoyed hearing her thoughts on the server.

[ Subtitle Transcript ]

-

Ironmouse: Honestly, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I did. He's so nice, he's so- he's always been super nice to me. He's been so nice, I– part of the reason why I- I love this server so much is because everybody's so nice. Everyone! Like, every single person is super nice! And it's like- it's like, genuine nice, it's not like fake niceness. You know how sometimes like– you always hear like, "Oh yeah, you know–" when–

Ironmouse: Whenever you like, join like a new thing, right? Whenever you like join like a new thing, you always worry, 'cuz you always think: "Oh, are the people gonna like me? Are they gonna be nice to me? What if- What if- you know, what if this, what if that?" But everybody like genuinely was nice when I first came by, and everybody has been so nice to me– not just in the game, but outside of the game, and–

Ironmouse: Something special about the QSMP is like... People wanna be your friend like outside of the game? Like, I've literally talked to ev– almost– almost everybody at least once like outside of the QSMP, like... We've talked on Discord, people like regularly check in on me, and like we get in group chats and like we- we play games like outside of the server, and it's just like... You don't really find that sort of connection all the time with people? You know what I mean? It's very– it's very not common when you go on like, a content creator-like server or stuff like that, you know? You'll get like one or two people that you get close to and stuff, but like... Everybody is SO nice, and everybody's been so nice to me, and I can't tell you how many people like, wished me– not just like wished me happy birthday, or like wished- said, "Oh, you know, hap- Merry Christmas!" dadadada, it's like genuinely like... Asked how I'm doing, and like talk to me, and like... Just like– I dunno, it's just like so- so- it's so wonderful. Ironmouse: Like, I get that with VShojo a lot, like– we're all like besties, and we all like talk all the time, but I feel like it's different, 'cuz like VShojo– we're VShojo, we're like– we're our own group, but this is like... You know... You don't expect this sorta thing when you get invited to like be on some- be a part of something, you know? And it's- and it's been so– it's been so wonderful and everybody's been so GENUINELY nice to me, and I- I appreciate everybody on the server so much, and they're just some of the nicest people that I've ever met ever, and it's just–

Ironmouse: It just warms my heart, and I'm just really– really like, thankful to be a part of something so great, and something so positive! Because like, everybody's so supportive! Like– the time when like, I didn't like– I- I- I had a moment where it's like I– do you guys remember in December when I- I was not around a lot? And like, I had to take breaks and all this stuff and it turns out it was like the concert stuff? They all like would message me regularly, like, we would all keep up with each other, and we would all talk. And I remember telling them about like, how much stress I was under, and like all the- all the pressures of the concert and stuff, and– and they were cheering, and- and- and they were just so... so kind to me, it was just so– so sweet, and- and you know, I was in a group chat with a- with a few people, and they were all just so excited and- and- just super nice, and- and very- very sweet, and it's just– and it's just very– I'm sorry if I'm rambling! It's just...

Ironmouse: I dunno! I- I- I just enjoy being here, and I enjoy hanging out with everybody, and... it's just nice to meet really good people. You don't really find that. You don't find that sort of thing all the time. Don't get me wrong– it's not like I haven't met a lot of good people, like– I just feel like this whole like, my whole like– Ever, like– My streaming journey, I've just been nothing but surprised at the goodness of people? Don't get me wrong– I've met assholes and sht like that, and I've met- I've encountered some people that are NOT so nice. I'll never like, talk about it or whatever because that's their thing, and I'm just gonna do my thing and I don't wanna like, you know, spread any type of stupid drama or whatever the fck, but like... I'm just always surprised about how– how incredibly nice people are, and how genuine a lot of people are, and it's... It- it's just nice, especially since like– You're used to coming from like, a certain background and a certain like, environment where it's like, you've met a lot of like fcked up mean people in your life, and you've just been around a lot of like fckery, you know? So when- when you're around stuff that's NOT fcked, it's just like, "Woah, this is crazy! Is this- is this how life is supposed to be?!" And it's just- it's just really... it's really- it's really nice. It's very nice.

Ironmouse: Yeah, it's very refreshing, that's why I- I enjoy hanging out on here, everybody's just so nice to me. And it's not just like being nice just to be on-stream, it's nice off-stream, on-stream, friendship on-stream, off-stream, it's- it's just- it's just so- it's- it's- it's wonderful. It's wonderful. And I just have to say like... man, I'm just really thankful that like... it's crazy that like I got invited to be on here and I'm just really thankful that, you know... Quackity like, reached out to me and he's- he's just been nothing but nice, everybody- everybody's just so kind. Everybody's so nice. This is something truly special.

[a2zillustration]

We lived.

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[[ All Croissant Adventures (chronological, desktop) ]]

[[ All Croissant Adventures (app) ]]

[xaykwolf]

Have a little transparent Ruby for all your boba-loving needs!

[chaosandwolves]

Sometimes I think that it's better

To never ask why

[marimbles]

being bad at video games is fun because it makes your character a uniquely stupid yet resilient and plucky sort of hero. an underdog no one would ever expect to win. so if you finally do it feels like slightly different and potentially funner version of the story. It’s like look, this idiot FINALLY beat the big bad guy! it took them 900 tries but by Jove they did it! WOOOOOO! GO IDIOT!!! YOU DID IT, BUD 👏 ⁽ᵉᵛᵉⁿᵗᵘᵃˡˡʸ⁾

[seaweedoverlord]

some natsu redesigns except my nostalgia prevents me from making a true redesign because im constantly stuck in between "i want to remake him from SCRATCH/but i want him to be still very close to how i knew him as when i was a kid" so instead he just gets an outfit redesign cuz his fashion sense was as nonexistent as his shirt.

ill die on the crop top natsu hill

anyway y'all, im mad they never gave him a cool dragonifcation or explored the fact he is apparently a demon dragon or whatever that much so i will instead. i also remember kid me being so disappointed during the jellal fight cuz his scales were skin colored and not red 🤣 and i was thinking maybe like this is the first stage or smthn and he'll get worse and worse, proceeding to look more inhuman and like a dragon but no.

dragon cry was a godsend, but like it was a bit late.