#this triggered an emotional breakdown when i first read it

[gisellaswrld]

every night you’ll hold me and tell me i’m much more than my past; oh how i wish i could believe

lh43 | after a phone call from your father, you end up losing yourself. yet luke is there to pick up the pieces, as he always is.

(a/n — this is one of my heavier pieces. i’m not at all intending to glorify this situation. i wrote this during a very hard time for me, when i just needed some comfort. know your limits before reading.)

Luke stared at the mess in front of him. The scattered broken glass that was mixed in with the clothes and papers sat on the floor. Tears were spilling down your covered face, your body curled up on the floor. You didn't even know Luke had gotten back. This wasn't the first time this happened, it was at least the third or fourth. 

It wasn't some spontaneous breakdown, you only got this way when something bad triggered you. You weren't the type of person someone had to walk on eggshells around, nervous to say the wrong thing. Years of therapy kept your emotions at bay. Yet, tonight ruined you.

Luke was worried, even just staring at you made his skin crawl. You looked absolutely empty, drained of color and emotion. It was like you were in a coma, no thoughts in your mind.

Luke, at this point, had two choices. Either he got scared from your mental disorders, or he stayed and helped you. And unlike all of your previous significant others, he stayed.

"Y/N, baby?" You were startled by the boy, jumping slightly at his voice. "What happened?" Luke's voice was in a quieter tone. 

You finally lifted your head, eyes still focused on the mess. This was then that Luke realized the blood that was dripping from your hands. His breath hitched, mentally disappointed at himself for not seeing the signs.

Luke was too busy invested in hockey that he didn't realize the lack of dishes when he arrived home late at night. He didn't notice the way you was picking at your lips until they bled. Luke didn't realize the long showers you took, or how steamed the bathroom was when you got out. He didn't fucking realize. 

That made him even more disappointed in himself than hockey ever could.

"Baby, what happened?" He asked once more, taking a step closer to you.

"I-," You paused, shaking your head. Your eyes still avoided eye contact with him.

Luke took a deep breath. He moved around the pile of clutter. You were nervous, anxious for his reaction. You was used to people leaving you to pick up the messes you would make in their life. They were usually too scared to deal with the after math.

That's what made Luke different from the rest. Luke always stayed to put the pieces back together, calming your mind to a sense of ease. Luke always told you he loved you, but his actions always spoke louder.

Luke bent down next to you, gently grabbing your bleeding hands. The blood and small cuts must be from the miscellaneous glass shards on the ground. 

"Can I?" He spoke softly, seemingly unnerved from the situation. You just nodded in reply.

Luke wrapped his arms around you, picking your limp body up off the ground. You stayed silent, your focus now on the blood that poured from your hands. You really had no idea what happened, everything felt like a black hole in your memories. Your brain felt empty, a lack of any knowledge.

Luke carried you into the bathroom, sitting you down on the toilet seat. He opened the cabinet beneath the sink, grabbing a wash cloth. Luke drenched the cloth in warm water, ready to tend to your wounds.

You kept your hands in her lap, palms up. All you could think about is what happened earlier. How could you not remember a thing? It's like you blacked out entirely. Nothing made sense, nothing clicked in your brain.

Luke kneeled in front of you, pressing the warm cloth to your hands. You flinched, the cuts burning from the pressure. The pain enough was electric zap to your brain, slowly bringing it back to life. The touch from Luke was another zap.

"Baby, I'm not going to ask. I just need to know what you're thinking." Luke kept his voice at a normal tone. He didn't want to get loud, he didn't want to make you fear him. Luke didn't want you to think he was mad or angry. Luke just wanted to know.

"I don't know." Your voice was hoarse, causing Luke to look up at you. He could tell that you were clueless at what your own brain made you do. That chipped at his heart, his own brain swirling on how to take care of you.

"It's okay." He spoke, still dabbing the cloth on the wounds. The blood had been cleaned up, some wounds still slowly trickling with the red substance. He couldn't see any visible shards of the glass.

On the outside, you were such a happy girl. Everyone on social media loved you, you weren't often receiving hate. People could tell the impact you put on Luke's life, the positive impact. But on the inside, you had deep rooted trauma that ruined you. 

"Did you hurt yourself anywhere else?" He asked, nervous for your answer. Luke cleared his throat, tossing the cloth into the sink.

You finally looked into his eyes. You could see the worry that flashed in his eyes as you couldn't give him a clear answer. You dug at your brain for answers, fighting for any sort of memory from the previous hours.

"Luke, I don't know." You answered, truthfully, darting your vision away from his once again.

Luke slowly nodded, staying silent. The silence between them was tense, at least you thought it was. Luke wanted to know what happened, you were worried he'd leave. Tears started to sting Luke's eyes as he rolled up the hoodie sleeves. His body burned with a sad, heavy feeling.

As he seen the opened scars that he once watch heal, his heart broke. Luke could've helped prevent this. If he wasn't go focused on that damn sport, he would've been able to see that his girlfriend was struggling. He could've seen everything. Luke was so disappointed in himself, unsure of what to think in the moment.

Luke's mind worked irrationally, quickly. He stood from where he was kneeling and left the bathroom.

Outside the bedroom, Jack was sitting at the kitchen counter. He knit his brows together in confusion, looking at his brothers sad look. Jack was somewhat knowledgeable as to what can rarely happen.

"You good?" Jack asked, his eyes peering at Luke.

"Yeah, yeah. Y/N just - something happened. I don't know what yet." Luke answered, digging in his hockey bag.

Luke leaving left you in a state of shock. A familiar lump reappeared in your throat. The sobs that were once silenced by the comfort of Luke, had reappeared as you brought your knees back up to her chest. Though it was normal, you thought for once maybe Luke would stay. You thought Luke was different, but he left.

Luke, on the other hand, had just left the bathroom to regain his focus. The focus that was to help the girl he loved. He moved swiftly, searching his hockey bag for the first aid kit that he was required to have. He thought it was a stupid requirement, considering if they got hurt there was an athletic trainer that tended to the injury. But now? He was thankful he had that stupid thing.

Luke found the plastic box and rushed back to the bathroom. That's where he seen that you were now sobbing. Luke set the box on the sink.

"Hey, it's okay." Luke sat back down in front of you, placing a comforting hand onto your thigh.

You removed your head from your body, coming to the realization that Luke was still here. He hadn't left, yet. Luke was still there to help you, his love showing more and more.

"I need to see your arms so I can clean them, please." Luke asked calmly, opening the first aid kit. He dumped the supplies onto the ground, searching for the right items

Luke reached out for one of your arms, which you hesitantly gave to him. Luke rolled up your sleeve, watching as you looked away from the fresh cuts. He opened an antiseptic wipe, ready to clean the cuts.

"This is going to burn, you know this will burn. Just try to breathe for me baby, okay?" Luke squeezed your hand in comfort, you nodded as a reply.

Luke pressed the wipe to the wounds. You hissed at the burn, trying to find something other than the pain to focus on. You had racked your mind as you tried to comprehend what had sent you on this spiral. The harsh pain on your arms were quickly bringing your brain back to life. A gasp fell from your lips.

You remembered it all. You were watching Luke and Jack on ESPN, unable to go to the game due to the homework you had. Your homework and the game had been forgotten when you received that phone call. There it was, your dad had called you. He was reminding you of how shitty it was of you to leave him struggling. Reminding you that boyfriends aren't forever and that family was. Your dad didn't forget to insult you, either.

In fact, he called you every derogatory name in the book.

"My dad called me." You stated, voice quiet.

Luke's eyes flickered up to yours, realizing that your brain was coming back to life. "What did he say?" Luke continued cleaning your arm until all the dried blood was gone.

"The normal." Simple sentence that carried a heavy meaning. Luke knew what 'the normal' was when it came to your father. The normal wasn't a civil conversation. The normal was your father full blown screaming at you until you broke. It reminded Luke of the many times he'd rushed to get you after your dad argued with you.

Luke didn't answer, he just took the other arm into his hands and cleaned the wounds on that arm. The silence was more comfortable now that there was less confusion. When Luke finally finished cleaning all your fresh wounds, he threw everything away. The small trash bin in the bathroom was now overfilled with medical supplies, antiseptic wipes, and bandage wrappers.

"I'll get you clothes to change into, you can take a bath and lay down. I'll clean up the room." Luke stated, standing up in front of her. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair.

"No, I'll clean it, I made the mess." You responded, feeling suddenly guilty for the fact he had to pick up your mess. You hated that Luke had to deal with your mess, your baggage. It was an insecurity from the first time something bad happened in your life while you were dating Luke.

Luke quickly shook his head, starting to run a bath for you. You were still curled up on the toilet seat, your hoodie now on the ground. Luke went back into the bedroom, grabbing a new sweatshirt and pants for you. He placed them on the sink.

"I'll wait out here, come out when you're done." Luke pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head, turning towards the exit.

"Luke?" He paused, turning back to face you.

"Thank you." 

Luke left his bedroom, going out the the main room where Jack was now watching film on the iPad. Jack looked up at Luke, patting the spot on the couch next to him. Luke collapsed onto the couch, burying his face in his hands.

"How bad was it this time?" Jack asked, setting the iPad next to where you left your laptop.

"Not the worst one." Luke replied, running his hands down his face. "Her dad called her again, I'm probably going to make her change her number or something." 

"That's for the best, probably." Jack answered, watching his brother. Jack leaned over, patting Luke on the back. "You are doing good, Luke. Many people would've ran away after that. You really love her, kid."

"I do, I really do."

Luke had gone back to the room, quickly cleaning up the mess of glass and letters. He recognized the letters as ones you kept from when you were a kid. From when your dad was still in prison. Luke didn't want to keep them, but he did. Even though your dad was a shitty person, the letters meant a lot to you.

Luke laid down on the bed, using the remote to turn on the TV. Luke turned on your favorite show, waiting for you to be done in the bathroom.

A few moments passed, you sluggishly walking out from the bathroom. Luke quickly turned his head to look at you. You laid down next to him in the bed. His arms quickly slid around you, pulling you close to his body. He placed a kiss to the top of your head, smoothing down your hair.

"I'm sorry, Luke." You apologized, hiding your face from him.

"Baby, it's okay. You know I won't get mad about it. I'm always going to help you through this shit." Luke quickly replied, his hands now holding your face in his hands.

"I just feel so guilty. You already have so much stress from hockey, I don't want to add to the stress." You admitted, a single tear falling down your cheek. 

"Y/N, you don't stress me out. I love you, and this is just something that comes with loving you. I would rather stay here and help you than run away from this. This is something I can handle, something I've always been able to handle. Okay? We don't have to talk about this right now, baby, you need to sleep." 

"I love you, Luke." You mumbled, cuddling further into his body.

Luke pressed another kiss to your head, watching as you fell asleep. You had a hold so strong on Luke. A hold that no one has ever been able to break or alter. A hold that would last forever through it all.

[yuri-is-online]

Same Anon here that dropped that mess of an angst post lol. Maybe I should find some name for myself if this becomes a regular thing.

There are a lot of valid points there. For as lightly as the story treats everything, wow this would be messed up irl. But I digress, I personally can see this potentially taking a much darker route. I don’t know if you’re comfortable talking about this so TW: Brief mention of suicide

I imagine Yuu to just bottle everything up for the aforementioned reasons of being seen as weak for expressing any of their emotions only for it to all come out in one big mental breakdown. I think it would be quite poetic for Yuu’s breakdown to be more of a quiet self-destructive thing just to contrast the showy, outwardly destructive nature of the overblots. I always thought it could be some spur of the moment decision to just end it all out of sheer hopelessness and a thoroughly crushed sense of self-worth. I just can’t see a teenager handling a burden this heavy very well. Whether or not Yuu survives could be up to how dark you want to go.

Also if it isn’t too much, I would like to see that post about the boys’ individual reactions to Yuu running away sometime. But I’m aware you only write for a few at a time so…

previous post

You are more than welcome to give yourself a name! I don't have any named annons so you are free to choose anything you like, and make regular appearances if that is what you wish. While I try to only write for a few characters at a time, I don't mind doing a bullet point type post with my thoughts on the boys reacting to Yuu running away sometime, but I need to think as part of me wants to write something sappy and romantic, while the other part wants to focus more on Yuu and their character. I could do both I suppose (￣ω￣;)

I'm fine with talking about suicide, but since it's a sensitive subject I am going to place my thoughts under read more and tag it so if it is something you, dear reader, are triggered by you needn't see more than you are comfortable with.

notes: they/them used for Yuu, discussions of suicide and depression, isolation, abandonment, and missing persons. This also kind of takes a trip into theory town I am so sorry annon. Please do not interact with the words below if you do not wish to think on such things.

I want to start out by saying that when a person is depressed it is not always obvious, even if they are contemplating suicide. We don't have a complete understanding of what drives someone to kill themselves because we can't ask people who have. I do think there is an element of assuming that either the world or you will be better off if you are dead; which I would like to stress simply is not true, but you are not evil for struggling with that feeling even if people try to make you feel like you are.

Yuu's breakdown being "more of a quiet self-destructive thing," as you stated dear friend, would be extremely poetic. To me it highlights the disparity between Yuu and the overblot boys. They have power and are able to hurt others to try and make themselves feel better, Yuu has next to none and is only able to hurt themselves.

Crowley mentions that there is counseling available to all NRC students, assuming the school follows real life laws we can assume the Professors are mandatory reporters. If Yuu shows signs of depression or self-harm, they will be required to report that and recommend Yuu for counseling, but the thing about therapy is that it's not a one size fits all solution. The patient needs to accept that they have a problem and, perhaps more importantly, trust their therapist otherwise you won't benefit from the treatment.

That's assuming that a counselor would even understand how to treat Yuu in the first place, there's a lot going on with their situation and while I could see a good therapist taking it very seriously, there's only so much they can do, which brings me to my sort of sticking point with this and why it took me so long to answer your ask.

Why in the hell is Yuu in Twisted Wonderland in the first place??? "Because they're Alice" ok sure but what does that like actually mean. I don't want to derail this into theory town but I keep thinking about the translated lines Crowley mutters to himself when calling Yuu a beast tamer that doesn't appear in the text box... something about how they look more like they are meant to be eaten by the beast than tame it.

There is a part of me that feels like Crowley wants Yuu to feel isolated and despondent about their chances of getting home, like he needs them to be accepting of their death and convinced it's the only way they will be useful. Something to do with Grim and that big Chimera at the beginning of the game, in the light novel there is someone telling Yuuya to take their hand but they can't move to take it, all they can do is stare up at the big monster and it's evil grin (if i remember correctly)

Anyway all of that to say I can see two sorts of scenarios leading to Yuu trying to harm themselves.

Route A: Summer

As was correctly pointed out in these tags on the original post, I think Summer would be the worst time for an actively depressed Yuu. If they have been seeing a counselor, they will likely not be available over the summer months, Crowley didn't take us on vacation with him the first time so there's no way he'll do it now, and everyone has their own families to get back to.

They only have Grim and the Ghosts. And while Yuu might love them, they technically belong here. Yuu does not. The lack of other friends bothering them means Yuu has time to think good and hard about where they are. And who they left behind.

I like to listen to Dateline while I work sometimes and one of the things that always gets to me is how little closure people feel when someone goes missing, even if they find out what happened to them. If Yuu is missing in their world and their family loves them... they just have next to no chance of ever finding that out. Ever.

If Yuu has a bad relationship with their family, or none at all, they probably start feeling like they are going insane. They have nothing worth going back to really, to the point that people would probably encourage them to see being in Twisted Wonderland as a good thing, a chance for a fresh start. But it has been anything but.

Summer would be a good time to run away, it's easier to be homeless in the Summer, plenty of places need part time help anyway, and Yuu can make a clean break from the school before anyone notices they're gone.

It's also a good time to decide you want to die. By the time your friends come back they will have already gotten used to life without you anyway.

.... i could see this making grim overblot tbh. He blames the school for taking Yuu from him and by the time everyone returns he is there. Waiting. The consequences of their actions given form.

A monument to all their sins.

Option B: Sacrifice

So back to theory tangent.

Grim and Yuu are one student. Crowley treats them as such, but what if he-

Or whoever the real final boss is

Need them to actually be one student.

So they approach Yuu, offer their sympathies. Tell them they know why Crowley cannot send Yuu home.

"Because you came here by dying, don't you remember? These events you have seen, all your misfortunes and troubles, they've all been like one big dream. What a terrible fate you've met... but no worries. I know how to set you free."

The strange masked man places his hand on your shoulder and guides you to the mirror. You see your reflection in it, for the first time you idly realize, hair spread out on the pavement with a halo of blood spatter about your sleeping head.

"You needn't be scared." the man's voice is calm, soothing even, so much so that you almost believe him when he says

"You've died once before, after all. You know exactly what it feels like, it will just be like going to sleep."

Sleep sounds good, even if you have just gotten done fighting to stay awake, so very good you nearly miss the creature's wicked grin spreading mockingly across the reflection of your peaceful face.

[idyllic-affections]

i just read both of your muichiro works and I’m really impressed 😭😭💓, so I would like to request some thing. What would the reader (gender neutral pls) have to do to cheer giyuu,obanai and muichiro when they are is sad 

what might one need to do to raise the hashiras' spirits?

summary. how do you comfort the hashiras?

trigger & content warnings. no applicable warnings.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. reverse comfort. muichiro tokito & reader, kyojuro rengoku & reader, tengen uzui & reader. 0.7k words. no pronouns for reader.

author's thoughts. hello lovely!! thank you so much. muichiro is like... my favorite ever, so recieving praise for the content i write of him is so heart-warming <33 on a more serious note, please please remember to read my rules before requesting. like any writer, i have boundaries. it states who i do and don't write for, and as of right now, i'm just not comfortable writing for giyuu or obanai. i replaced them w/ kyojuro and tengen. muichiro's is the longest though bc i love my son <3333 also this is kind of a different writing style than my usual content? if you guys like it enough i might try to use it more often.

T. MUICHIRO—

oh this boy. this poor boy.

i like to think that he goes through random bouts of sadness and frustration, especially before he regains his memory; he doesn't even know where his deep-seated rage towards demons come from! that fact just perpetuates his frustration. he can't understand why he's so angry and that only serves to anger him more.

also, let's not forget that he's a child. he is a fourteen-year-old child. he has a hard time processing his feelings and working through his trauma alone. children need love and support, love and support that he does not get enough of.

(the other hashira try their best, but let's be honest—they're all always so busy. they wouldn't realistically have time to attend to the emotional needs of a child.)

i don't care how independent canon muichiro seems to be.

he is a child. he grew up too fast.

to ease his soul, i think the best course of action would simply be to dote on him.

he needs the attention. he really does.

dote on him.

brush and braid his hair (braiding it would have practical value, after all!) with his permission, cook for him... just small, familial gestures.

he may or may not cry.

if he does, squeeze his hand and run your thumb over his knuckles. he's like a cat; do not make any further contact unless he initiates it first.

he probably won't vent because he doesn't know what's upsetting him. just let him cry it out. don't expect an explanation (and don't be surprised if he forgets about his breakdown soon after it happens).

give him a lil forehead kiss. he deserves it.

R. KYOJURO—

kyojuro is an interesting one!

i personally think that doing little domestic things with him would be a good way to cheer him up.

or even just doing things with him, spending time with him.

take a walk! go out to eat! make friendship bracelets! any activities done together are always a good bet with kyojuro.

simple little gestures are definitely the way to go, too. he's got a big heart. it's really not too hard to cheer him up, as long as your efforts are genuine.

also, definitely give him a big hug. he'd love that. squeeze him like your life depends on it. it won't hurt him; he's a hashira. he'll be fine.

i headcanon that he's a very good cook!

he is, however, a disaster with baking.

doing things like cooking and baking with him would raise his spirits so so effectively. trying to teach him how to bake would be really good for making him laugh, because i guaruntee that you & him would end up covered in flour and shit like that LMAO

be sure to listen to him talk if he decides on opening up. he'll appreciate having someone that listens.

U. TENGEN—

we all know this man is flashy and loud!

because of this, i think the best way to cheer him up would actually just be sitting in the silence with him.

no words, nothing. just calm silence between two friends.

observe the stars at night with him. listen to the wind rustle leaves and blades of grass.

anything that's simply low effort and relaxing would be good for him, i think. he's got so much energy all the time. tengen spends so much time being... loud and—obviously—flashy.

because of that, every now and then, he needs quiet time to recover.

he needs to decompress sometimes.

like kyojuro, i think he'd appreciate a good hug too. in his case though, it would be best and most effective to hug him once he's feeling better, not while he's feeling bad.

with his permission, massage the tension out of his shoulders. that would help too.

really, he just needs a judgement-free safe space in which he can wind down. i don't imagine him as the type to vent, so that's not something he'd be doing. he just needs someone who understands his need for the quiet, someone who won't pressure him to open up when he just isn't ready to.

he just needs a friend to be there for him.

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[lunathebee]

THE MOON BOYS REACTING TO Y/N GETTING INTO A CAR ACCIDENT

Warning: mention of hospital and injuries

A/n: Please don't read if this triggers any bad memories of yours; I wrote this to comfort myself. Thank you and have a good day ^^

🍓 Steven Grant 🍓

Marc probably hid this news from Steven because he thought you would get better quickly, and therefore he could save Steven from a mental breakdown.

But Steven can sense something is wrong: how you rarely show up, how Marc looks away when your name is mentioned, how you never answer your phone.

At first, he thought you didn't want to be friends anymore and he was so sad.

Any talk with Marc about "Y/n" got shut down quickly and just left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Until one day he took over Marc's body and realized he was standing in a hospital, the  distinct odor made him feel nauseous.

"Excuse me? Mr.Spector? Usual visiting time today, right? You can go in now; they're waiting" A nurse came up and spoke to Steven; it seemed like she knew Marc.

Steven was so confused, he was about to leave and go back home. "I'm sorry, who is waiting for me?".

The nurse shot him a questioning look and blinks a few times. "The...doctor and Y/n Y/l/n? In room number 1? I'm sorry. Have I mistook you with someone?".

Steven can't believe his ears, his legs turn into jelly, and he falls back down on the hard floor. His mind gets swarmed with so many emotions.

He had to hold himself back, chocking from a sob that was coming.

You were in an accident, a car accident, all this time, and Marc had the audacity to hide it from HIM.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...Oh no...Oh..." Steven can barely contain himself when he sees you in the hospital bed; he is scared to even touch you.

Overall, when it comes to Steven, a lot of tears will be involved, even when he tries his best not to cry.

🍓 Marc Spector 🍓

A call from your phone number is all it takes.

He picked it up as usual, but instead of your voice, it was a person saying "Sir, are you Marc? You are listed as an emergency contact An accident happened; I need you to go to—".

Marc ends the call so quickly and fumbles with his jacket, his hands shaking from what he just heard.

Oh dear, he is frantic and wants to be near you all the time.

Will have at least one fight with the nurse or the doctor because he just refused to leave you alone.

"SIR, THE PATIENT NEEDS REST" - "I WILL BE QUIET".

And as I said before, he will hide everything from Steven; it's not on purpose; Marc just wants to help you get better as soon as possible, before Steven can notice.

(That backfired quickly)

Marc never told anyone, but he has slept in the hospital hallway, on the bench, on a chair, anywhere he can.

He couldn't miss the doctor's update about your situation.

🍓 Jake Lockley 🍓

One step away from committing a crime.

Arguing with the nurse and doctor in Spanish.

But never with you.

Never.

Jake doesn't treat you any differently than before.

It is still the same lovesick look.

He would hold and kiss your hands whenever he got the chance.

Jake will talk a lot too, engaging in conversation—anything to keep your little head forgetting about the pain.

While Steven is too scared to say anything and Marc is worried about your health, Jake is there to comfort you.

Cry all you want, but cry in his arms, please.

How cruel do you have to be to keep a man from touching you?

[baddestbittyontheblock]

ana-maria crnogorčević fic recs

you are responsible for the content you consume‼️

✧*:·˚ hi everyone!! here is a list of all the fics that are my favs with tagged writers/authors ✧*:·˚

✧*:·˚ remember to like and reblog the works you enjoy in order to support each writer!! ✧*:·˚

✧*:·˚ however, make sure you read the information on each story themselves such as triggers & warnings ✧*:·˚

✧*:·˚ also, if you'd like me to remove your fic from this list, message me! ✧*:·˚

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

❨ ❁ ❩ mi musa by @bloodyjuls-blog ana crnogorcevic x reader

❨ ❁ ❩ always dancing when you’re around by @patriwoso ana crnogorcevic x reader

-hidden moments with ana whilst your relationship is hidden from the public, until it isn’t not more.

❨ ❁ ❩ drunken nights by ^ ana crnogorcevic x reader

-you swayed side to side, arm snaked around your girlfriends waist as you danced.

❨ ❁ ❩ be proud by @outsideratheart ana crnogorcevic x reader

-you had missed your girlfriend dearly. so much so that you were tempted to break the curfew so you could go to her hotel and see her before you became opponents. 

❨ ❁ ❩ I'll protect you by ^ ana crnogorcevic x reader

-have you ever met someone who you instantly have a connection with?

❨ ❁ ❩ just an fyi. by @futbol16 ana crnogorcevic x reader | 3k

-jealous protective anamaria over reader

❨ ❁ ❩ you've got it by ^ ana crnogorcevic x reader

-reader breaks her leg during a cl match and ana’s with her from the horrifying moment it happened, surgery, recovery, the breakdowns and the happy moments and the first match back, all very emotional and sad but with good amount of happiness at the end

❨ ❁ ❩ secret sweetheart by @redhairedwolfwitch  ana crnogorcevic x reader

-no more dating teammates. that was what ana decided after her last break-up.

❨ ❁ ❩ ana-maria ficlet by @cee-jay-engwnt ana crnogorcevic x reader

-“ana-maría crnogorčević… i can feel you staring even with my eyes closed”

[lover-of-mine]

This is "Let's Drown Buck, Giving Eddie a Shooting Moment and Triggering a Buck Breakdown: An Updated Season 7 Speculation Based on Exactly One Picture Posted by The Props Department and The Voices In My Head"

Okay, so, my Buck will drown in season 7 spec is in its 3rd installment, you can read installment one here, this one has the drowning work as a climax for buddie in a sense, a mid-season or season finale situation, you can read installment number two here, this one is a climax for Buck to break, and now I'm gonna type out a Buck drowning as a season premiere trigger. (You can go here to see all my Buck drowning thoughts)

So, this whole thing hinges on one thing: the fact that the show consistently mirrors Buck and Eddie's personal journeys, with Buck mostly being a few steps behind Eddie. I feel like we collectively got caught up in the way the lightning reminds us of the shooting, and we failed to notice the way the lightning is actually the well. The rain aspect, the night aspect, the team as audience aspect, the volunteering into the rescue that goes wrong over lightning, the way both of them are screaming, the moments of irrational action with the way Buck is trying to dig Eddie by hand and Eddie is trying to pull Buck up to him, the breathing thing with the way Eddie was about to drown and Buck's lungs weren't working, I think even the way Eddie saved himself and the whole concept of the coma dream can work here (here's a set for visuals).

We know Eddie didn't deal with any of his trauma until after the shooting, dude was very just move forward until he couldn't anymore. And one thing is true, you can draw quite a few parallels between the way Buck was acting in season 6 with the way Eddie acts in seasons 3 and 4. Up to the way you can draw direct parallels between Buck and Natalia to Eddie and Ana (here's a set for visuals), or the way he sounds like Eddie did with the just make the best of it, the way Buck is talking in the cemetery really reminds me of what Eddie tells him in kids today when he drops Chris off before the tsunami. And, well, let's face it, Buck hasn't dealt with any strong emotion ever and this man needs to break to move on with his life.

But, sure, how does any of this adds up to Buck drowning? Most of Buck's major traumas/near-death experiences involve water or breathing, the emergency tracheotomy on the first date with Abby, the blood clots in his lung, the tsunami, the well, the warehouse fire, the lightning leading to damage in his lungs (here's a set for visuals) also, Bobby nearly drowned in the plane crash, he got caught with Chris in a tsunami and then Chris falls back into the water, Eddie nearly drowned at the well, Maddie walked into the ocean, I think even the bathtub incident with Jee, creates this pattern of water hurting Buck or people Buck loves. So water is a common trauma factor here.

Why is this important? When you look at the shooting, there are a lot of things that make it as intense as it is: it happens by chance, it's a case of wrong place/wrong time, they're not supposed to be there but they are because Eddie got called there specifically, Buck has to save Eddie alone because they are there with another house and Buck doesn't trust anyone else, and it brings up a previous trauma for Eddie. I also wanna add the fact that, like it or not, Eddie is that attached to what's happening to Charlie because it makes him think of Christopher, at least on some level. So having Buck drown covers the previous trauma thing and it's very easy to make it happen by chance. So let's work out the rest of it, shall we?

Season 6 ends with Bobby and Athena finally going on their honeymoon cruise. I know I'm not the only one sitting here chanting *cruise disaster* because of that, because let's face it when does anything ever go right for anyone on that show. But the props department posted this picture of life vests. Also, one of the writers posted a picture of a script where you can read the word boats. The speculation of something is gonna happen in that cruise writes itself. Add in the fact that people don't know bathena are on the cruise to begin with and you have a GREAT season premiere disaster in your hands. (I don't really wanna bring up Grey's Anatomy here even though a lot of this has me thinking about 3 Grey's episodes, but if you've seen the show, think the ferry boat crash/Meredith drowning arc in season 3)

That means we have a whole ass ocean to drown Buck in while responding to that. Because what's another thing that keeps trying to kill Buck? That's right, city equipment.

Okay, so back to the shooting elements, wrong place/wrong time, they're not really supposed to be there, another crew, previous trauma, no one else they trust around. Not really supposed to be there/got called there directly can be cloudy, but it could just be a "we're going because it's Bobby and Athena's ship". So that's down. Another house, well, a call in that scale would have multiple houses, them getting separated is expected, so that's down too. Previous trauma, Buck getting trapped under something, Buck almost drowning, water, beaches as a whole, all cover that. Wrong place/wrong time, I keep going back to equipment malfunctioning in some way. Maybe they're lowering Buck somewhere and it gets loose, a harness breaking, the oxygen tank stops working, that's something that can happen by chance and create a situation that triggers a past trauma for Buck.

Okay, so we have a lot of elements at play here let's get to the actual vision.

At first, when I saw the life vests, I actually thought about this all happening while they try to save Bobby. They find Bobby, they get Bobby out, Eddie is working on him because he's the one with medical training, it takes him a moment to notice Buck hasn't resurfaced, then he dives back to go get Buck, mostly because that could have some fun implications on the dynamic between the 3, especially if we go to a situation where Buck could've gotten himself out but doesn't, a situation where Buck stops trying, also because I think Buck believes dying for someone he loves is the way to go, so dying for Bobby would be fine with him, but it wouldn't be fine with Bobby or Eddie, and Eddie not dealing with saving Buck's life again could absolutely redirect those feeling towards Bobby because he can't get mad at Buck for dying, so that could create some fun tension.

BUT, if we see Charlie as a surrogate for Chris, to have the situation be triggered by a stranger that reminds Buck of someone he loves, Maddie, Bobby, not Chris because then Eddie would also be irrational in the situation, Eddie is the one that gets reckless when children are involved, could be fun.

So vision: Buck and Eddie are paired doing water rescues or something, they spot someone, that someone brings a more extreme reaction from Buck, I will say he thinks the stranger is Bobby for convenience over the fact that this whole thing is happening on a cruise Bobby is supposed to be in, but it doesn't have to. They go through with the rescue, because again, the thing they went to do is done when Eddie gets shot, something goes wrong, Buck gets pinned down (I don't love the idea of Buck just stopping swimming, I like the idea of something he could get out of if he tried hard enough but he doesn't have it in him to keep struggling, so pinned down it is, also because that brings up the truck bombing), Eddie doesn't notice Buck didn't resurface for a bit (that can also be fun considering the way Eddie is always the last to know, he was the last to see Shannon in the crash, he only found out Buck and Chris were in the tsunami once they were safe, he was the last one to look up at Buck after the lightning, so fun implications all around) just long enough for us to cut back and forth to Buck struggling and Eddie, then cutting to Buck stopping, then Eddie noticing Buck is not there and diving back in. Then we have the fun little aspects of Eddie saving Buck, dragging him out, Buck being unresponsive, desperate cpr, "you're not doing this to me again", Buck finally reacting, sitting up and coughing up water, if we're lucky him dropping back into Eddie and a nice little "I got you, I got you" if we're even luckier maybe some forehead touching or Eddie burying his face on Buck's hair (let Ryan's emotional power out for a spin yk?).

Implication of this for Buck, Eddie, and buddie could be fun. Because you can have Buck spiraling over the fact that almost died again and he was actually okay with it for a while there, kickstarting a breakdown era, because he thought dying was supposed to give him some peace because of Levi and the whole happiness convention thing, and some fun parallels with 5b Eddie. We can have Eddie spiraling over the situation because he had to save Buck again, and Buck is not dealing with it so he's not dealing with it because they don't talk about what it's like being the one doing the saving. And Eddie is already pulling back from Buck, to have this create a real gap between them is easy as hell. And since I'm a "the shooting was Eddie's oh! moment truther" and I'm a believer that Eddie is fully aware of his feelings and just thinks Buck will never feel the same, to throw that energy on Buck would interesting. Just have Buck dealing with having his oh! moment in a very inconvenient moment and with the fact that Eddie is pulling away from him while he spirals.

Do I actually believe any of this is gonna happen? No, no I don't. But I will share the thought on the off chance it does so can get the bragging rights lol.

I will tag @slowlyfoggydestiny because we were talking about this the other day and her inputs helped a lot while I was trying to work out how to make the drowning a trigger, and also because she's been here with me through the whole "let's drown Buck" conversation 🫶.

If you read this I love you 🫶🫶

[levmada]

How do you think Levi would handle his PTSD/symptoms during post!war Marley days? Like he definitely takes up doing his tea shop and I bet gardening or painting maybe but moreso about small stuff like seeing something mundane and it just triggers him. Having tinnitus or really bad knee/hand pain, how does he cope in small ways? I could see him even take up hammocking and reading just listening to birds and chilling in nature.

Also, do you think that he ever misses using ODM gear? The easy gilding through trees and buildings, being able to almost like fly? There's this certain point where when you master a skill with such fluidity that it becomes a second nature. Do you think that he misses that zen feeling?

sheeppp i’m so so so sorry this took me literal months to reply to😭i hope it was worth it! i had so much to say,,,

so: post-war levi headcanons

//su1cidality (idk if it’s allowed to use The Whole Word or not), detailed ptsd descriptions, internalized ableism |

wc: ~2k

just like how keeping his promise only finally gave room for Levi to feel the grief surrounding Erwin’s death, the end of the Titans would be the same, but much worse. yes, the dream all the Scouts fought for—a world without walls and without Titans—was realized… but absolutely no one who Levi knew before discovering the basement was alive to see it with him. he's the only one left to remember all of it, especially the trauma, and that's the loneliest feeling in the world.

• despite ultimate victory, at an individual level, he'd feel... really lost, and broken of course. he can no longer walk, let alone fight for anything, but he doesn't have anything left to fight for anyway!! (Levi definitely considers his duty completed, not having a part in what the former 104th is doing.)

so the first year would be very very very hard on him. assumably he was inpatient in a hospital for sometime for his injuries and mandatory physical therapy, and after that he realistically can’t live on his own (hence Gabi and Falco).

but,, Levi would have a hard time accepting being taken care of just on principle. the loneliness would be crippling. with every bit of self worth he ever had being built on how useful he is, ironically i think the end of the war would put him at rock bottom for a time.

• this is not at all to mention his mental scarring in general. his convictions about his duty had been only as strong as his ability to suppress his weaknesses. the foundations of his life had been built on is always moving forward with no regrets, and that's just a breeding ground for suppressed grief and guilt. just because Levi lived by it didn't make it healthy for him in the long run, and now all the sudden he HAS no duty, and nothing to move forward past.

so now, what, three or four decades worth of issues?—have an opportunity to take root.

there are nightmares of course, the usual insomnia, and heaps of post-traumatic stress; coming to terms with how worthless he thought and thinks of himself, especially now; the frustration and hatred directed towards his new disabilities; but above all, his suppressed emotions.

he over-regulated his emotions for sooo long that it's become instinctive to mask around anyone so no one would have the slightest idea that he's struggling at all. in order to maintain his strength, doing his duty, his fighting ability, everything—that's what he did, and not only is he so damn good at it that he's deluded even himself into believing he’s infallible, but it's instinctive and automatic for him. and healing from a coping mechanism like that completely, surrounded by a sea of severe psychopathology, is nearly impossible.

he must have compartmentalized or blocked out many many events and traumatic memories, and of course, the more often you do that, the heavier the feelings, the more traumatic the memories, the bigger the breakdown later. at some point he has a breakdown and shatters to pieces worse than he has in his whole fucking life.

• he struggles to adjust to change (because as we know Levi never even wore the new uniforms in s4, implying that. along with an interview i vaguely remember confirming that), and desperately needs a routine.

• but despite his loneliness, or maybe because of it, he struggles with relationships. in his mind it's not like he became any more pleasant to be around than he was before, so he doesn’t feel like anyone could deal with or wants his company anyway, besides on obligation. so he would self-sabotage his relationships with Gabi, Falco, Onyakopon or whoever even at the cost of his physical health. Levi neverrrr gave a damn about his own well-being and that gets worse when he’s of no more “use” to anyone, with his existence now a “burden” to his friends. he's useful, or he's nothing.

AGAIN IN LIKE THE FIRST YEAR…

• do i think this at one point snowballed into suicidal ideation of sorts? of sorts. the guilt of not being completely happy, now that it's all over, is prevalent, on top of his worthlessness, on top of tinnitus+his affected vision+using his hands+his worse mobility+chronic pain,,, ironically for a time after the war, his hardest battle is surviving.

• he loathes psychotherapy at its very premise. delving into his feelings with someone who's basically a stranger paid to listen and analyze him?? one of his worst nightmares.

so that's out of the question. but physical therapy is doable for him. such as seeing it as an exercise routine, him disliking his wheelchair, and being given tangible goals to work towards—is good for him. and besides, with the technology and culture of Marley resembling 20th century western Europe/USA, i imagine there's very few resources and little empathy, and more discrimination for people with disabilities. it can't be helped, so he might as well work on physical therapy, and along the way grow a decent self-esteem around that, and his facial scars.

• he finds ways to cope somehow. Levi isn’t an artistic person and i don’t think that changes with retirement. but he enjoys reading fiction and the newspaper, as a distraction and to keep up with what’s going on in the world.

he would absolutely enjoy gardening. cultivating life instead of ending them, being self-sustaining food wise, just the reward of taking care of something living and watching it flourish. gardening is one of his favorite pastimes.

and, eventually, journaling. like i said, Levi would have trouble just accepting that his suffering is valid, let alone coping with it. there is no full recovery, there is no being completely okay for someone who's gone through all he has i think, which is incomprehensible to someone like Levi, who prioritized his strength over every other one of his attributes.

but eventually he gets it into his head (Onyankopon's advice?) that although his closest loved ones and friends are gone, he can’t let who they were be forgotten. yes people like Erwin and Hange would be icons in history, but it’s not enough. Levi is the only person who knows who they really were, and of course those people are very very very dear to him.

so he starts jotting down memories or anecdotes he almost forgot. it would sort of read as a police report or a debrief at first honestly, just a recounting of events with no emotion because it’s hard. memories of them, all of them, are priceless to him, so fond or not, it’s a challenge.

but it becomes therapeutic, and even a crutch. sometimes he writes so fast that he’s not even thinking of the words to put and just writing his stream of consciousness, or loses track of time. at times like that he can find some catharsis.

he enjoys sitting at a park bench (and knowing the importance of routine to Levi, the same one every time) and feeding the birds, and like you said, chilling in nature.

he decides he owes it to his past comrades to see the fruits of their labor they didn’t get to.

• Levi has fond memories of the past, before the basement and their whole world got bigger and more dire. there's something he appreciates about that time, and how simple their goals and enemies were, even though their lives were never carefree or happy. i think Levi would prefer that time of his life the most, being under the sun and sky and with a cause to live and fight for. his reason to live fixated on his duty, and so being a soldier became his reason for being.

and then there’s his pure love of flying on the ODM gear. he was doing it since before he ever even joined the survey corps. probably his first ever real belonging besides a knife, and his first and most longstanding sense of freedom he ever had. Levi never was carefree, but flying was as close as he got. yes. flying is one of the things he misses the most about the past.

• but like i said, and even though it's sad, i think that for someone like Levi and all he's been through, there is no complete peace. that's not realistic.

• his ptsd is severe. at times when the littlest thing could set him off—being irritated or angry—and he has no concrete reason for why. he doesn’t even know who or what he’s angry at. it’s tempting to resent the people around him for not understanding it, and how they’ll never understand what he went through that made him “broken”. being angry that he has to relive some memories through nightmares or flashbacks at seemingly mundane things.

he hates planes (sorry Onyankopon). he hates shower steam or cooking on a stove. sometimes his missing fingers reminds him of Erwin and all the worry that arose when he lost his arm. fireworks or the sounds of explosions in general make him feel dizzy and out of it for a while. he probably sees dead friends and enemies alike in crowds of people. he doesn’t stare into the fireplace because he’ll smell burning flesh. needles whenever he visits the doctor makes him feel panicky.

he has triggers. and when he’s triggered he self-isolates a lot and becomes emotionless. you know, sometimes his sole motivation for getting out of bed is taking care of his garden/his plants, and eating is only worth the strength needed to do that, or to eat so the food he grew himself doesn’t go to waste. besides, he reminds himself that staying in bed is pointless, because getting sleep is never easy.

• and arguably the worst part is, that Levi is so accustomed to suffering it’s unthinkable the type of person he’d be or life he could lead without it. it’s comfortable because it’s familiar, which leads to him almost fetishizing his own sadness out of a sense that he deserves it as punishment, and this carnal need to prove that he’s useless, and should be left alone.

• but of course, he’s too loved for that to happen. he comes to believe his friends of that. and that makes him protective of Gabi and Falco especially—he’s still that same person who will do anything to make his friends’ lives easier or take a load off whenever they need it.

time passing helps, and so does journaling and seeing the kids (Gabi, Falco, honestly the whole 104th is still his kids), but there is no full recovery for someone like Levi. then again, peace is uncomfortable for him anyway, someone whose whole life was a cycle of being on his guard, training and fighting, recovering, and then fighting some more.

but he does find some peace.

• eventually, when it’s finally over for him, the most prevalent feeling i think would be relief. being surrounded by friends or at least with the knowledge that he’s loved. he has lived a life of constant trial and tribulation, most of all grief, but it’s yet another testament to Levi’s strength that despite everything, he is still able to find a way to be happy. it’s the same. you can choose to feel better. every day, you find something to live for. it can be fleeting and easily forgotten… but maybe that’s everything.

as for him, he always holds onto the small things, for the same reason he needs those small things to hold on.

:)

[artsyjesseblue]

Slowly Going Mad - Part III - Lotor

This is the third installment of my meta series discussing three essential characters of Voltron:Legendary Defender (Zarkon, Honerva and Lotor) and their gradual mental state transitions throughout the show. After writing the first two parts, I’ve debated whether to publish Lotor’s segment or not, due to the emotional triggers this analysis might raise. I decided to go ahead and post it, because I’d love to create a coherent, complete set of essays, but…

We will descend into some sensitive issues (trauma, mental illness) regarding a controversial character, so if you would prefer to steer clear of it, please do so, for your own peace of mind. I know it has been almost five years since the show ended and many of us prefer to leave certain subjects behind. So, if you consider best to scroll past, do so. Hopefully, the warning tags will also provide a firewall around it.

Alright, if you clicked past the stop sign, hop along! And thank you for reading!

The purpose of this analysis is to demonstrate that Lotor’s trajectory towards Season 6 follows a mental illness arc, slowly built up, although the reveal of his backstory arrives to us pretty much… backwards. I will enter into subjects such as developmental psychology, coping mechanisms, transactional analysis (TA) and what it means to reach the dam breaking moment.

His sudden, shocking descent into madness in S6 is achieved through subtle context throughout S3-S6. Couple that context with the backstory dropped in S8 and a larger picture will form. This analysis intends to get granular at times, because the psychology of his path lies in the sum of many details.

Here are a few highlights that define a madness arc:

the originating point of the mental affliction: it can be a defeat, a failure, a loss, grief, a dark influence.

recurrent traumas and/or abuse throughout the character’s life, slowly building up.

the traumas and losses of the past haunt the character.

deterioration of connections with family, friends, community, and finally self. Broken connections lead to paranoia and isolation, which feed the vicious cycle.

as the story progresses, the character’s arc reaches a boiling point.

at this critical point, the individual faces a moment of agency and in a tragic mental breakdown, chooses madness. Whatever breaks the dam is a world-shattering event: extreme grief, total loss of loved ones, closest allies and friends, the breach of trust towards the world, or a combination of these. The character will try to fix the world and/or revenge against the ones who did this.

I’ll approach Lotor’s story the same way I did with the other two: chronologically, which means I’ll jump back and forth among episodes, because Lotor’s backstory is also scrambled across the seasons.

Similar mention as with Honerva and Zarkon’s metas:

1) The distinction between the entity and quintessence. The entity is a creature capable of magical stuff, whereas quintessence is a substance (highest known potency in the universe).

2) Shiro’s statement: “Zarkon fell prey to his own evil instincts. The quintessence field didn’t create them, it revealed them.” - it basically casts the responsibility on the character, not on external factors.

BIRTH AND CHILDHOOD

We’ll begin with the days of Honerva’s pregnancy. I already analyzed these parts in Honerva’s meta, so I’ll summarize. Pregnant Honerva shows distorted cheek marks and visible changing of her appearance: gray, unkempt hair, aged countenance, sagging shoulders. Parallel that to Kova, whose appearance changed after the rift entities attacked, and we deduce that Honerva’s metamorphosis might be due to the same kind of illness.

When Honerva falls ill and starts having what seem to be withdrawal symptoms, she demands to go into the rift to get quintessence, because “we must have it” / [we must] “get back into the rift”. The deduction I made was that the entity was actually the one speaking, because - other than the entity - nobody had ever been into the rift before, so “going back” into the rift is something that only the entity could have asked for. Logically, that means Honerva was possessed/infected with the entity.

—————————————————

And this turns our attention to… baby Lotor:

S8E2 “Shadows”: “Sire, the birth was difficult, but successful. Your son is healthy and in good shape, though we seem to be getting some strange readings coming from him directly. Similar to those that, well… Similar to those of the empress and… yourself.”

And voila, I think that makes quite a strong argument that Lotor was born with the entity, which gives him a unique position among other characters. In the same scene, the doctor talks about Honerva’s state: “She only seems to become aware when we administer her quintessence. I’m hopeful her condition will improve with time, but… Sire, we’re gonna have to face the fact that our quintessence supplies are finite. The empire cannot continue to run on what we have. And you, and the Empress, without it… you’ll—”

I’m circling back to Kova, which was also revived only after administering him quintessence, and now it’s clear that these “space vampires” cannot survive without the Q life juice.

Which leads me to an interesting question: did Lotor also need quintessence to survive? The answer seems to lead to a no. For the extended period of time when he stayed in Allura’s castle, either as a prisoner or working together with the Paladins, he did not show any signs of… quintessence withdrawal. As the EPs described him, quintessence is part of his DNA. Without divulging anything about the entity, since this interview took place right after S5, here’s their description (Source: AfterBuzz TV S5 interview - link in comments, since external links here seem to affect the visibility of the post):

JDS: It’s pretty safe to say that Lotor’s got that Daywalker kind of thing going on.

Interviewer: Little Vampire.

LM: Being in…in her womb, as [Honerva] was being exposed to all of this quintessence - it’s part of his DNA. It almost puts him on a level with Allura, pretty much how her quintessence is a part of her DNA. So it’s interesting to see.

Armed with this information, let’s move through the buildup of events that show us Lotor’s backstory, before we see him for the first time in Season 3.

In S8E2, which I’ll quote for a while, because it holds the bulk of Lotor’s early years, we first see baby Lotor right after his birth, rejected by Honerva. Similarly, Zarkon’s paternal instincts are almost abolished. He abruptly orders the doctor: “Take him away.”

The complete lack of empathy for the little nugget gives us just a hint into what this child will go through as he grows up.

——————————————

The next time we meet him, he’s an adorable, tiny school boy, whose stature is below Galra lineage expectations, but as a counterbalance, Dayak points out his remarkable skills and intelligence: he completed the Agotian trials successfully, even though they were advanced for his age. Also, his tactical scores are they highest they’ve ever measured. (Tactical scores, hehe. We know he’s going to become a good tactician later in life; it’s his natural inclination, clearly.)

As Dayak proudly finishes the short account of her pupil, little Lotor speaks up: “All I do, I do in the name of Galra.” I found this little statement quite significant, especially in the context of his education. It comes to show how deep the Galra values are ingrained in his character. It is his pledge of allegiance, something that he must have repeated over and over along his school years. Repetitio est mater studiorum.

It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see the innocent boy with big, amethyst eyes and a burning desire to connect to his family be coldly dismissed by his own father - an expressionless, emotionless parent who wants to remove his “impurities”, simply because the little boy desires to know more about his mixed race genealogy and he dares to “speak out of his place”. The dynamic between father and son is revelatory not only for the brutality with which the little boy is treated by his own family, but, in contrast, we also get to see the enthusiasm and positive energy exuding from little Lotor, who, despite his father’s lack of empathy and mercy, still holds hope that he can somehow reason with him.

Dayak’s last reply to Zarkon feels painful on many levels: “He will be punished accordingly. We will sear him down to his inner fire so that he may burn the universe.” Whether she wants it or not, Dayak’s crop must inflict pain, lest she loses her job and probably her life.

Let’s shortly bring into focus the apparently hilarious moments between Dayak and Hunk.

The training is about pain, and what pain teaches an individual. “For the mind to learn, the body must be broken.” Palen-bol, meaning “the enlightening pain”, is the Galran way of learning. “The Galra believe combat is the searing light that burns imperfections of every level, from personal to societal.”

Now, imagine Lotor going through the “enlightening pain”, day by day, year after year, palen-bol after palen-bol. My smile upon seeing Hunk’s comedy soon fades away into a desolate expression. What Hunk basically learns is to contort himself into various unnatural poses, to avoid the painful whips of Dayak. When he finally gets it, she congratulates him: “very good”. In order to avoid the searing pain, he must find creative solutions out, solutions that are not always straight paths. Like a tree that grows distorted shapes in a hostile environment, so does one who lives in constant fear and pain.

TEEN LOTOR

The next significant moment in Lotor’s evolution is somewhere during his early teenage years.

Pay attention to certain verbal repetitions, as Lotor borrows from his father’s language. Also, the Kova scene leads to some interesting conclusions. I’m quoting the entire scene, for better understanding.

Officer: “Sire, your audience is requested in the Kandar wing.”

Lotor: “Father, may I accompany you?”

Zarkon: “You will stay here.”

Lotor: “But I want to join you. I have learned much of our—”

Zarkon: “You are an insolent boy. You may be the prince, but I am your emperor.”

Lotor silently yields, saluting solemnly, but casting a contemptuous look in his wake. After Zarkon has cleared the room, Lotor refocuses on Kova and instantly cheers up. As the boy is leaning over to pet the cat, Haggar suddenly speaks:

“Do not touch him. He will hurt you.”

With a sneer, the boy ignores her. After petting the cat, he asks: “What is his name?”

Haggar: “He has no name.”

Lotor: “Then I shall name it. Your name will be…”

Haggar: “Kova. His name is Kova.”

Lotor, giggling, watching Kova climb over his shoulders: “This creature pleases me. It will be mine.”

Haggar, attempting to protest: “My lord…”

Lotor: “You may be the high priestess, but I am your prince, and you will do as I say. Isn’t that right, Kova?”

Haggar acquiesces: “Yes, my lord.”

So, although years have passed since the scene with Dayak, Lotor is still speaking “out of his place”, which earns him the title of an “insolent boy”.

Despite (most likely) repeated physical punishments along the years, notice how his enthusiasm for life and learning new things is still there, brightly sparkling in his eyes, as he offers to go with his father at important meetings. He is jovial towards his father, as if expecting him to - one day - reciprocate that cordiality, perhaps? This little soul harbors a lot of love and forgiveness, that is for sure!

Despite Zarkon’s stony-hearted reaction towards him, he pouts only as an immediate reflex, but then he cheers himself up by petting Kova.

His impish pout and little frown behind his father’s back foreshadow a future scene - when Zarkon will return to the throne, sending Lotor away. A more refined smirk will cross his face as he’ll depart, hiding behind it a more complex scheme than a teenager’s little mischief, but that scene shall be discussed further when I’ll get to it.

This little detail in child-Lotor’s life is an interesting inflection point that shows us how he learns to conceal his inner thoughts and his ploys from Zarkon, and by extension, from the world (remember the comparison with a distorted tree?). We know that adult Lotor is a master at scheming behind people’s back, working from the shadows, hiding himself - something that even Haggar reproaches him: “You say you rule, yet you stay hidden.” It’s something that he learned over and over again as a kid.

“You may be the high priestess, but I am your prince…” Didn’t Zarkon just utter the same thing? “You may be a prince, but I am your emperor…” Little Lotor learns very fast, his mind is a sponge absorbing everything from his father. With this you can pretty much tell how in awe he still is with him, imitating his vocabulary and trying to emulate his demeanor. The attitude is there: he’s proud of what he’s learned so far, he’s self-confident, and begins to have leadership traits: “you will do as I say.” All he does, he does in the name of Galra…

As for the interaction with Kova, here’s how I see it:

When Haggar says, “Do not touch him. He will hurt you,” I believe the meaning is more than just “Kova will scratch you.” Since Kova and Haggar both are infected with the entity, what are the chances that Kova might possess the same potential of sucking out the life of other living beings?

So in this context, I think that witch Haggar presumes that the prince might get injured. She’s unaware that Kova will not cause him any harm, because… what do you know? Lotor also has a little entity; he was born with it. And Haggar has no clue.

The bond they will form for the next ten thousand years perhaps goes deeper than we think. We know from S8 that Haggar was able to get into the minds of her Altean followers, because she infected them with the entity. There is a telepathic communication that forms, and maybe Lotor and Kova form a similar… mental bond? I’m inclined to believe this theory for several reasons: 1) in S8, Honerva is able to find out Lotor’s location only after probing into Kova’s mind. 2) Narti was also mentally bonded with Kova, and she could see through the cat’s eyes (which stirs the question: did Narti have the entity as well?)

Deep breath.

Are you ready for one of the hardest scenes in VLD?

YOUNG ADULT LOTOR

“Are you nervous?” asks Ven’tar.

Lotor replies with a confident, affected voice, looking up and proudly surveying the grand plaza, filled with thousands of people cheering him. “No, Ven’tar. This is my chance to finally make a difference. To show my father what we are capable of.”

Besides the fact that he nonchalantly displays his cat at the edge of his balcony, for the masses to see, notice the expression on his face, his eyebrows. He is pleased with himself, proud of his achievements, proud of the people in front of him.

What he says is also very significant, because it comes to show that Lotor, despite a lifetime of abuse and trauma from his father (and neglect from his mother), still believes there is good in him. He wants to “show” him what he’s capable of.

Oof. The need for validation. Why do people seek validation from others (especially from their family)? You guessed it: mainly because during their childhood, they did not receive enough praise or encouragement.

Overachievers are, oftentimes, love-seeking people who try to compensate for the lack of approval by trying to reach even higher goals, in the hopes of getting the love they need. In that note, here’s what Lotor tells his father:

“Our quintessence yields are some of the highest in the empire, and we’ve been more efficient than any other. By working alongside the denizens of this planet, like Ven’tar here, we’ve outsourced—”

“We’ve outpaced even the most generous projections.”

Poor Lotor!

The most horrific introduction into adulthood is about to drop. The hopeful, optimistic, love-seeking prince will see the true face of his father, and it is not a beautiful one.

We don’t know the details of Lotor’s relationship with Ven’tar, but from the fact that she addresses him without any royal titles, we can infer that they are at least friends. He loves the people of this planet, and he enjoys having her around him, so much so that he actually brings her with him to his father. Meet the parents?

Tragically, his father is utterly offended by Lotor’s introduction to such friends. “You dare work with this pitiful race as if they are your equals? […] The heir to the Galra throne should not sully our honor by working with his subjects!”

Yet Lotor has not learned his lesson yet. He raises his voice at him, like an outraged child that believes there is a way to reason with Zarkon.

Transactional Analysis psychology at its best, this scene provides us with a “game” between the critical, persecuting Parent ego and the rebellious Child ego. Enraged that things are not going his way, but hoping there is still a chance to shake his father from his insensitive state, Lotor takes it up a notch (in a game of “I’ll show him, he’ll see!”):

“It is the way my mother’s people would have done things.”

Lotor knows exactly how sensitive this subject is. All his childhood, he has been banned from researching anything about Honerva. Yet here he is, openly and rebelliously admitting it:

“You thought I couldn’t find out about my own mother? About her people? You thought you destroyed every remnant of Altea, but you cannot unless you destroy your own son as well!”

Lotor is now playing a very dangerous game. What he still does not realize is that his father’s reason is gone, his madness is pushed all the way to the dark side of the spectrum. He bargains with his own life, betting that Zarkon won’t harm him or his subjects. What’s worse, he unwittingly bets an entire planet against his self-assured comments (“unless you destroy your own son as well”). Actually, Zarkon will destroy him too, alongside Ven’tar’s planet. Not physically, but psychologically, he sure does.

“Enough!” Zarkon roars back at him.

Yes, enough, because it’s unbearable for Zarkon to even go there. The madness that clouds his mind has abolished any rational Adult from the picture. There is only the Tyrant, and he’s made up his mind.

“You are to crush this planet beneath your heel!”

The rebel child fights back: “Never!!”

Zarkon’s answer completely takes Lotor aback: “Then I will!”

Lotor is still in denial. The most cruel, dark, ugly face of his father is finally revealed to him and he cannot fathom it out. His father is truly capable of the most abominable acts.

Incredulity and desperation drips from his lips: “You wouldn’t. You can’t! Father, wait!”

Father, wait… Maybe, maybe he can fix this… Maybe he can soften his heart with one last plea, maybe he can twist himself one more time to his father’s will, if only he could to save his beloved planet:

“No, please do not do this, Father. Do not make these people suffer for my actions.”

The rebellious child shrinks into a penitent little being who bends to his abusive parent. How can he save them, now, in the last moment?

Alas… “It is already done.”

“I will do as you ask. The people will serve the Galra.” He will bend, he will bow to his father’s will, he will endure once more the whipping and palen-bols, he would do anything to save them! (Isn’t just this scene enough to reveal Lotor’s true character?) Utterly desperate, he runs after him, begging.

But we all know how it all went down...

Waking up to face the image of utter destruction, the fire outside reflects the scorching pain and horror inside him.

“You are hereby banished from the empire. Forced to live out the remainder of your days remembering your failure here.”

Indeed he will remember it for his entire life. After thousands of years, it will be his first and only confession to Allura, spoken, of all places, at Oriande, the most beautiful, celestial site in the universe.

“Have you nothing to say, witch? Surely even you can see the folly of your master’s actions,” utters Lotor through gnashing teeth, back at Haggar, who watches him impassively.

After a tragedy of this magnitude, I’m quite sure many would lose their mind. How did Lotor find the strength to go on after this? How did he preserve his sanity? Or maybe he actually… didn’t?

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We know a little bit about Lotor’s life in between this event and the first time we actually meet him, in S3E1, in the gladiator arena. From what he told Allura, after the harrowing event on Ven’tar’s planet, he spent the next few centuries searching for clues about his Altean heritage. We also assume it was within that time frame when he gathered the Alteans scattered across the corners of the empire, and brought them to the hidden colony in the Quantum Abyss.

But why his Altean heritage, you ask? He could have simply tried to find his inner peace in other ways… like, I don’t know, let’s say meditating, getting mental treatment, finding an occupation that would give him a different purpose. No, he spent centuries diving into the lost history of Altea, “another culture destroyed by Zarkon.” This was the only occupation that could give meaning and purpose to his life.

Why Altea?

Because it was the culture of his mother, whom he idolized. So much so that he defied his father’s interdictions and followed the Altean customs when ruling Ven’tar’s planet. So much so that when Allura dares to suggest that Haggar might be his mother, he snaps at her.

A child rejected by his father, mistreated, beaten, abused, tries to find refuge and comfort at the bosom of his… mother.

After Zarkon destroyed his heart, Lotor ran straight into the arms of Mother Altea. I believe that as much as the lost Alteans needed him to provide them a safe refuge, he needed them even more. He needed them as a child would need a mother to turn to, a safe place where he could heal his wounds.

I think herein lies the key to understanding Lotor’s mental trajectory and giving a true meaning to his mental breakdown and to the words he utters during the S6 tragic events, as I’ll discuss when we’ll arrive there.

Take a few deep breaths. Stretch your legs.

ADULT LOTOR BEFORE ALLYING WITH VOLTRON

Let’s see what he’s up to, thousands of years after all is said and done, during the new Paladins’ era. Haggar summons him to return as pro tem, and we first meet him in the gladiator arena.

We learn a bit about him from the little gossip murmured between Throk and his crony, watching the show. The “exiled brat”, how they call him, likes to “fight alongside his enlisted men, like a lowly private.”

“Worse than that, his top generals aren’t even pure Galra. They’re half-breeds at best. He has no honor,” Throk continues.

“Some say he allows the planets he conquers to continue to rule themselves. Can you imagine?”

“Clearly he’s a dangerous lunatic.”

This is the general atmosphere in which Lotor enters as emperor pro-tem, but now we know what kind of “lunatic” we are meeting.

His combat skills show his great talent for evasive maneuvers, using the opponent’s size to his advantage. He has adapted perfectly to the hostile environment in which he grew up. Like Hunk learned to avoid Dayak’s stinging crop, Lotor masters the art of evasive maneuvers to the tiniest detail. He easily defeats the big guy, then, with a theatrical gesture, reveals Throk’s hidden agenda to the public (courtesy of Ezor spying around - so we also know he’s got some good tactics to stay ahead of the game).

During his fight with Throk, Lotor makes some interesting remarks:

“You have flawless technique, that I’ll grant you. Still, you must realize at some point, that your repetitive attacks are getting you nowhere.”

“Your tactics are stale. And in the end, your own aggression is your undoing.”

The easy win that Throk provides, along with the dramatic effect it has for the audience, gives Lotor the perfect opportunity to win the public’s heart, by sparing Throk’s life. A novel approach.

“My father built our Empire on the bones of his enemies. But the time has come to change the old ways, and inspire not fear from those we rule, but loyalty. We must not waste our energy fighting to keep our subjects down, but rather multiply it, by allowing those worthy to rise and join our ranks. The Universe can no longer doubt our strength. Each ally gained only makes us stronger, while those who continue to stand against us… will be crushed.”

Wise words of a visionary man with a progressive agenda, he seeks to dislodge the old ways of the regime.

“The masses are easily manipulated,” he tells his generals as he returns victorious. “Have Throk transferred out to the Ulippa system immediately. Let him rot with the ice worms,” he beams a wicked smile.

So where’s the “each ally gained makes us stronger” promise?

Well, Lotor is intelligent enough to weigh the quality of his so-called “allies”. Would Throk really be someone “worthy to rise and join his ranks”, after he just plotted against him? There is a Latin proverb - “viperam sub ala nutricare”, or “to nurse a viper under your wing” - a caveat that you may not want to keep vipers too close to you. And Lotor’s survival instinct keeps him far away from such vipers. Actually, he is constantly on the watch for vipers - a trait that I shall repeatedly point out, because it reveals his paranoid tendencies, born of his turbulent and traumatic past.

From this episode we learn that he is a calculated man, who sends spies ahead of him to assess the territory, who knows how to win the public’s heart through inspiring speeches and amazing warrior skills, and who has a keen eye for discerning friends from foes. Bottomline: a very guarded man. Does he seem duplicitous and a bit suspicious? He sure does, but does he really hide evil intents? As a first-time watcher of the show, that would be the instinct. But reading the story backwards - meaning, starting in the true chronological order, from his childhood - we begin to comprehend the true reasons behind his exploits.

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The following episodes reveal his brilliant tactics (of course, he practiced since he was a kid):

He easily lures the Paladins into multiple traps (Planet Puig, Thayserix), manipulating the battles in order to learn more about his opponents, all while enjoying himself. Not even looking to take them down, he simply wants to test their aptitudes and capture them if possible.

Ignoring his more impetuous generals, he knows when to retreat. “A leader must know when to leave the field of battle.” Something that Keith, as the new leader of Voltron, learns just now, for the first time. In many ways, the Paladins are learning new things via Lotor, and they’ll continue to learn from him throughout the seasons. As the EP’s also mentioned in multiple interviews, at their core, Lotor’s intentions are good, but his methods are not always as clean as Voltron may desire. He is operating not only from how he was raised, but also from the experience of his traumas, and we are given plenty of examples throughout the following seasons.

Lotor learns form every occasion, turning it to his advantage. The fact that the Lions can still form Voltron is “an opportunity”, which he fully wields, in S3E4 “Hole in the Sky”. Another trap for the Paladins, he effectively uses them to ‘pull his chestnuts out of the fire’. As he states, “If Voltron disappears from our world, then we win. If they make it out with the comet, we’ll take it from them. It’s a win either way.” Put that against his more tame clarification given to the Paladins, and you can see why it’s really a gray area where this man actually operates: “I’m afraid I had to be a bit duplicitous in effecting its retrieval. […] It was a calculated risk, I admit that. But I knew they’d come through without a scratch.” The high purpose he pursues (entering the rift) is worth the risks and the prices he’s willing to pay.

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In S3E5 “The Journey”, we learn something extremely valuable about him - how he has trained himself to be on constant alert about spies (remember the vipers mentioned earlier?). Swiftly apprehending general Raht, Haggar’s assigned secret agent, he decides to pay the witch a visit and confront her directly.

Haggar makes no gesture to deny the allegations, rather twisting the knife in his wound: “I know many ideas float through your head, just like your father, but the Galra Empire needs your leadership in these troubling times.” It almost resembles a domestic scene (I honestly chuckled), as if without realizing it, Haggar talks to him like a mother scolding her child. I find his reply equally entertaining (yet tragic), even his expression taking after that of a child desperately trying to rebel against his family: “I am the leader, but I am not my father!” It won’t be the first time when Haggar reproaches him that he’s not getting involved in imperial matters, only hiding in the shadows. That is his modus operandi - and we’re just beginning to understand why.

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The next episode, “Tailing a Comet” holds some keys about what Lotor is up to, but also carries some mysteries which have not been unlocked to this day. We learn that he already used some of the comet ore to manufacture a ship, but we also learn that he attacks a Galra base, in order to retrieve a teludav lens. Again, he’s operating from the shadows. As Pidge rightfully points out… “I thought Lotor took over for Zarkon. Why is he attacking a Galra base?” Because - Haggar, that’s why. We know she’s tailing him constantly and she is the last person in the universe that he’d team up with. In fact, if I get to think of it, Haggar stalking Lotor is the underlying thread of the entire show.

But what of the teludav lens? Clearly, a link must exist between that and the fact that Acxa was sent to retrieve scaultrite from the belly of the weblum, where Keith found her in the first place. Allura rightfully infers that an Altean must be employed to operate it, but she guesses Haggar wrong. Yes, Haggar is Altean, as Allura discovered in direct combat with her, but it’s clear that Lotor does not want anything to do with the witch.

That leaves us with only one alternative: someone in his hidden Altean colony. (Lotor himself seems to not possess Altean alchemy powers to operate a teludav, at least none that we’ve seen). This loose thread has never been elucidated. To spread even more mystery around Lotor’s aura, even his generals have no clue about the true purpose of all these shenanigans. As Shiro says, “something strange is going on here, and we need to figure it out.” Um, actually, we never fully figured it out, courtesy of the garfle-warfled S8.

I found an interesting parallel, and again, a lesson that Keith indirectly learns from his interaction with Lotor: the advice that Shiro gives Keith at the end of this episode: “You need to pick your battles. Sometimes you have to make hard choices.” Similarly, every choice that Lotor makes throughout his life is a battle he has to pick - behind Haggar’s back, as we learn right at the end of this episode, when the witch attempts to pry relevant memories about the teludav theft out of Throk’s mind, while Lotor eavesdrops, behind the corner.

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In S4E3 “Black Site” we get a multitude of new details about Lotor’s relationship with his family. When he is called to the imperial court to have his pro tem title dissolved, the first person he encounters as the doors hiss open is Haggar. For a very short moment, Lotor looks startled, and he casts a glance at the witch. Premonition?

As Lotor relinquishes imperial reigns back to his father, the interaction gives a quite fascinating subject of analysis. Lotor is no longer the naive youngling; he has completely abandoned the sincere vocabulary, instead glib words rolling off his tongue. He knows very well that Zarkon and him are never going to see eye to eye, but he did not come there to seek a fight. He’s not (yet) powerful enough to take him down, so the smooth-tongued approach has to be the way. He theatrically attempts an ingratiating offer to stay by Zarkon’s side and “learn” from him, knowing full-well that it will never happen. As expected, Zarkon dismisses him disdainfully.

And here’s the smirk I was talking about earlier:

It’s a rehearsed attitude, it’s the grown-up Lotor, like the tree grown under harsh weather, the prince whose childhood innocence and optimism have been replaced by a cynical, calculated demeanor, carrying out ploys behind his father’s back because the front door was closed a long time ago.

What a confident smirk.

He worked for so long on this plan.

He’s getting closer and closer to achieving his dream. He snatched the comet ore and he’s making his own Voltron. Soon he will be able to enter the rift and get as much quintessence as he needs, for his grand plans.

Unfortunately, his confidence becomes his blindspot, as Haggar taps into the mind connection with Kova.

The sad irony is that he thinks he has Haggar all sorted out, when, upon his departure, he runs a thorough scan of his ship for trackers. The scene screams “paranoia”, except this paranoia is indubitably justified. When you’ve been stalked for millennia by a family who seeks to destroy you, all your senses are sharpened, survival instinct ready to spring in action at any second, adrenalin ready to kick in.

Killing Narti, a huge blow for the team, does not ensue as a mindless knee-jerk reaction. It is a hard choice he makes, for their own survival. He learned throughout his life to decide on the run, and you can see it on his face that he takes no pleasure in killing. Narti falls victim, just like he later admits that he had to sacrifice a few Alteans to preserve the future for millions.

We do not know the circumstances in which he had to sacrifice “the few”, but if they resemble in any way the tough spot he found himself when slaying Narti, we begin to see the trail of tragedies that haunt his life.

—————————————

In S4, Ep3&5 we witness the growing mistrust of the generals towards Lotor. Ezor tells Acxa: “What about Narti? She trusted him. You saw where that got her.”

Notice that Lotor didn’t share some essential knowledge with his generals. The reason why he slayed Narti was because of the connection with Haggar via the entity inside Kova.

I believe none of the generals (except maybe Narti?) knows about the entity, his Quantum Abyss colony and his secret team building the inter-reality gate, based on their behavior along the show. Yes, Acxa might have a stronger loyalty, switching back to siding with him just from a few glance exchanges, but eventually she also renounces him.

In S8E5 “The Grudge”, Acxa explains to her friends in the gym room that “…we had to abandon the animal [Kova] on our destroyed ship so we could escape without being tracked.” This simply implies that she knew about Haggar controlling the cat, but not exactly how she controls the cat.

The rift gate scene also proves that Lotor runs secret operations that he obscures even from his generals (NB: when he deems appropriate, he discloses them). This is his dynamic way of existence: juggling with secrets among people who put their trust in him, in order to protect himself and those dear to him from his corrupt family. The trauma that he endures for millennia force him into wearing these many masks.

After his attempt to enter the rift between realities fails, his generals betray him. Most likely not the first time when people double-crossed him. The difference is that stakes are getting higher and higher, now that he has his own comet ore ships, and will continue to get higher as he’ll discover Oriande, all the more reasons for him to be extremely cautious.

But he’s used to traitors. As a matter of fact, when he wakes up, he says, with a bitter expression, “You plan to give me up. I understand, Zethrid. You do what you must, and I’ll do what I must.” This scene also foreshadows the larger breach of trust, between him and the Voltron team in S6.

Is he justified in keeping secrets from his team? Hell yes. The risk of losing Altea is so great that he has to.

—————————————

When Lotor flies too close to the sun (literally), his comet ore ship proves to be more resilient than Zarkon’s cruisers. As he dives deeper into the plasma, his expression - of desperate survival, of hate against his assailants - borders madness, resembling his turn in S6

Trauma and disintegration of his social connections, two major factors in describing a madness arc, converge right in this chapter.

If trauma from the past is not enough, being hunted by his own father is another straw atop the camel’s back. Not the last one, though. Not yet. More potent factors need to converge, to throw him off the cliff, as we’ll see.

By witnessing him completely alone, we also get a glimpse into his true character.

The moment he learns about the imminent explosion of the Naxzela planet, Lotor heads right into the heart of danger. Why would someone who, all this life, fought for his own survival, fly directly into the range of a galactic ticking bomb?

Because this is how we learn who he truly is. Alone, no external influence or circumstance, no pretend smiles or smirks behind one’s back, he takes decisions based on his true moral compass. If he were the monster the story would seemingly lead us to believe in S6 and beyond, he’d run to cover his own skin. Instead, the worry across his expression reveals just that: genuine concern.

The same genuine concern sits atop his brows as he enters the battle scene, effectively disabling Haggar’s weapon. Finally, after a long string of tragic mishaps, he secures a win. A win which he wittily and swiftly takes advantage of: “Attention, Paladins of Voltron and rebel fighters, I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but… I think it is time we had a discussion.”

BECOMING VOLTRON’S FRIEND

With S5 come Lotor’s brightest and most glorious moments, and along with them, the complexity of his character further augments.

Before I begin, I can’t help posting a side-by-side Loki-Lotor screencap, because Lotor’s prison cell screams the same design concept and I love it, for many reasons.

Also, let’s not forget this sassy first portrait of Lotor as he begins his adventure alongside the Paladins:

His discussions with Allura and the Paladins while serving prison time in the castle provide us with new details about him, but also lead the viewer into a skewed picture of the events.

#LotorWasFramed, shared by many on social media at the time of S6 and beyond, including by some of the VLD cast members, hints precisely at this skewed view of Lotor:

Allura says to her friends, in S5E1 “The Prisoner”, “I’m still not comfortable with this. It just doesn’t feel right.”

Later in the episode, she reiterates, “I can’t stop thinking that we might be an unwitting part of a much larger ulterior motive.”

Yes, her intuition is right, there is a much larger ulterior motive, but what is the ulterior motive? Is it truly an evil plot?

Well, take Allura’s final words about Lotor, in S8E13 and there you have it, canon-compliant: “Lotor may have been misguided, but ultimately, he wanted to preserve life. Honor your son...”

Highly frowned upon by fans as a meager redemption, truly lacking the complexity that should have reflected the richness of his character, it is, nevertheless, an exoneration, stating in clear that his ultimate goal was to preserve life - and to be more precise, Altean life, the Altean colony. We have to honor his work, because, ultimately, even though his methods didn’t feel right to Allura, even if his methods obscured ulterior motives, those motives were righteous. And Allura’s final statement is canon - one cannot deny that. The end justified the means - it truly fits into how he operated, and we can see why he had to operate that way - not only because he didn’t know of another method, but because the social and political circumstances forced him to.

So, armed with this information, we begin to see how his “ulterior motive” is plotted. He reveals to the Voltron team that his goal is to enter the rift to get quintessence, to flood the empire with a fuel currently deemed a luxury, to effectively “drop the price of oil”. A paradigm shift, a new dawn for the old empire. No more need for blood in order to obtain quintessence. A peaceful era for everyone. And he doesn’t lie. This is his intention. But not a complete picture of it.

What he doesn’t reveal is his precious Altean colony, the one that he hopes to finally be able to release from hiding, once peace has been established within the empire. In a future dialogue, he will state precisely that: “I’ve dedicated my life to preserving Altean culture. Now that we’ve unlocked the quintessence field, all of your people, who would have been hunted long ago, had it not been for my intervention, can live in peace.” Can we blame him for not revealing this to the team? Absolutely not. Knowing that Haggar can plant spies in the most inconspicuous locations, Lotor is constantly on the watch, protecting at all cost what is dearest to him - Mother Altea. And wasn’t he right? There was a mole in the Voltron team: Shiro’s clone.

————————————-

Returning to the scenes with imprisoned Lotor, let’s tap into some subtle psychological hints at his traumatic past.

When Allura calls him “the leader of the most bloodthirsty race of murderers this universe has ever known,” his reply does not arrive in anger, but with a surprisingly calm and pacifying tone, as he continues to sit down: “Can people not change? Is it so hard to believe that I wish to return the Galra empire to a bygone era of peace?” This is not the first time his mixed lineage has been the subject of spiteful remarks. For ten thousand years, he must have constantly heard the “half-breed” denigratory comments. Why would an Altean comment about his Galran blood strike him differently? He surely has grown thick skin by now.

But if these words don’t pierce the thick skin, this comment surely does: “Sounds like you are your father’s son,” says Allura with enmity, after he explains that his sole purpose has been to enter the rift.

This. This hurts. His weak spot. To have him compared with the tyrant who terrorized him for his entire life, what a blasphemy! He snapped at Haggar when she dared utter such words, and he snaps again now.

He stands up, aggravation in his expression, tone raised at Allura, attacking her with a similar family comparison: “It was your father who led the scientific exploration that discovered quintessence. An exploration, I might add, that resulted in the creation of Voltron. This isn’t a zero-sum game. Meeting the needs of the Galra empire means bringing peace to the universe. That is the future enlightenment brings us, one of prosperity for all. […] All I ask is to be judged by my actions, rather than your preconceptions of my race. If that is beyond you, then perhaps you should just finish me and get it over with. Clearly, Princess, you are not ready to end this war.”

This is obviously a subject of deep pain for him, and we don’t need any clarification as to why.

How painful?

World-shattering painful.

Maddeningly hurtful.

At this point Allura is someone he just met. He takes it personally when she compares him with Zarkon. What will happen when he’ll fall in love with her and then she’ll… revisit the same comparison?

Let’s refocus on his conversations with Allura and the Paladins:

Notice how skilled he is in dodging their questions regarding his ploys.

He admits to being “a bit duplicitous”, framing it as a means to a higher purpose - which is not a lie.

He’s not afraid to defend his political beliefs, and even fight back, ending his speech with a comment that emphasizes the maturity of his agenda, while pointing out her inexperience: “Clearly, Princess, you are not ready to end this war.” He does have a ten thousand year advantage over her, that’s a fact. (I also found it quite amusing that the very next scene depicts Allura being nervous about her lines when addressing the Coalition, while Lance advises her to… jot notes down on her palm, because… he does it all the time. Talk about inexperience!)

————————————

While the plot revolving around saving Commander Holt still holds a degree of uncertainty whether Lotor and Acxa were working together, it does seem plausible that Acxa acted in line with his interests, offering Holt to Zarkon, so that Lotor could have his one-on-one battle with his father.

Lotor attempting to convince the Paladins not to hand him over to Zarkon shows once more his tactical skills. He plants the idea of a “royal alliance” into Allura’s head (to Lance’s vocal dismay), and, perhaps due to his attraction to her, or simply as an intent to charm her, he goes as far as saying “You and I”. There is clearly chemistry between them from the start, and it’s savory to watch it unfold. Even as enemies, Allura watches him speak with mesmerized attention, absorbing his every word, and I believe it does not go unnoticed by him, which explains why he brings his focus on the unity aspect, stroking her ego with comments about their parents’ glorious past. His speech is so convincing that Allura already ponders on the “royal alliance” possibility.

The fight between Zarkon and his son is another source of precious details about Lotor. Now is the time for Lotor to speak his mind. When Zarkon calls him “weak” and “darkest shame”, Lotor doesn’t flinch. He’s grown thick skin for such insults. No longer the helpless child, Lotor sees the corrupt Zarkon exactly for who he is, and in this final moment between them, he points out all his weaknesses, especially his obsession for getting back the Black Lion.

The fight, spectacular (and magnificently rendered through animation), displays Lotor’s talent in evading direct blows and his keen eye for his opponent’s weak spots.

I found it so significant that Lotor kills his father not with a bayard, not with a sword, but with a shard of metal lying around on the ground. His desperate yell - “No!” - seeing as Zarkon points his deadly weapon at the Lions, proves once more his genuine concern for the Paladins. He kills his father to protect his allies.

His immediate facial expression is not of joy, not of jubilation, but of deep grief. I’m reiterating this: he does not take pleasure in killing, even his worst enemies. A positive trait that seems to contradict his portrayal after S6, which ties back to the #LotorWasFramed point that I made earlier.

The symbolism of the post-battle imagery conveys the suffering on his expression. As the light, emblematic of the new era that is to come for Lotor, crosses his face, we see the traumatic burden of his past, a burden he carries forward. Even if he killed his own father, the act itself does not erase the multi-millennial painful past.

And we continue to see that trauma etched into his expression on many occasions, including this scene, in the “Postmortem” episode.

When Allura asks him, “Are you alright?” his dry answer reflects the emptiness inside him, “I’ll be fine.” Someone who wants to bury their pain would resort to similar affirmations. I’m fine. Or… Everything is fine. Or… I’ll be fine.

No, sir, you’re not fine, you won’t be fine until you address that deep level of trauma.

Instead, Lotor pushes forward, because his work is not done. In fact, he’s just beginning.

First, he must take the throne as legitimate emperor.

Then, all his attention will focus on finding a way to obtain quintessence from the rift.

And lastly, his dream of freeing Altea would come to life.

Only after that, he can, maybe, maybe, relax (does an emperor of such a vast and violent empire ever relax?).

—————————————

So let’s begin with Kral Zera. Firstly, Lotor has to convince the Paladins to fly him into the danger zone, and the only one who stands by his side is Shiro, whose tactical experience aligns with his. The tension that ensues among the Paladins makes Shiro walk out of the room, while Lotor casts a regretful look in his trail. He clearly doesn’t enjoy being a source of discord among the Paladins.

So here it is: his genuine desire for peace and amity. Which lines up with his statements about bringing peace to the empire. And we see it once more as he comments about the Galra forces fighting amongst each other at Kral Zera: “This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I knew they would all turn on each other.”

This is the true Lotor, underneath the many layers and facades he wears around everyone.

But he is also the wily prince who sneaks out of the castle behind Allura’s back, along with Shiro and the Black Lion. Also, the way he spins the narrative in front of the Galra, boasting about returning the Black Lion to the empire? Genius.

When Haggar insults him about his Altean lineage, he dismisses her with a few words, but we can see the aggravation in his narrowing eyes. Drop by drop, all these upsets and tribulations add up to his already heavy mental anguish that he carried across the eons.

The clash between him and Sendak puts emphasis once more on his fearlessness and deft swordsmanship.

The lighting of the flame carries a solemn, uplifting, yet tragic air to it.

He ascends the battered, collapsing steps of the Kral Zera, perhaps the steps of his destiny, while explosions flare up the skies. He takes the throne of an empire in complete disarray. While he lights the flame, he harbors a stark, but also angry expression, because… why should he be joyful? He’s taking reign over a civilization that has perpetuated his traumas for so long.

———-

S5E5 “Bloodlines” provides a respite from all the anguish we’ve seen so far. He spends time with Allura, searching for Altean clues in Haggar’s lair, and we see the growing attraction between them bloom.

But watch for hints about his past traumas.

When Allura discovers that he is half-Altean, we get Lotor’s direct depiction of his status in the eyes of Galra, as well as his self-confidence in regards to his mixed genes: “It was something the Galra considered a weakness, but I considered it a strength.”

Also, his next words reveal his deep admiration for his mother. He venerates her, and he adores the Altean culture. As much as I want to emphasize the level of trauma that this man has gone through, I also want to bring under spotlight his awe for the mother he never knew, and by extension, of the entire Altean race. Pay attention: “The union between Zarkon and Honerva sparked a technological revolution within the empire. Even back then, Altean culture was remarkably advanced. The kinds of experiments she was conducting… she advanced science by eons.”

Something that always caught my eye was Honerva’s science log itself. Lotor scrolls through her research and we can clearly see the comet ore in one of them, a sphere in another and… the entity inside the tube in a third slider. It’s clearly the entity, compare it with the original image from S3E7:

The fact that Lotor casts a long look at the slides makes me think that he might be aware of the entity. Perhaps this science log will make him understand even more about it?

When Lotor makes a few comments, frowning while inspecting his mother’s science logs, we conclude a few aspects about him and his mother. “By the end of these logs, it’s like they’re written by a different person. She’s frantic, paranoid, erratic. Her reason and intellect are gone, replaced by fear and paranoia.”

This confirms exactly what happened to Honerva (and foreshadows what will happen to him as well). Due to her obsession for power and knowledge and enhanced by excessive quintessence demanded by the entity inside her, Honerva lost her reason, became… a different person. Does that not resonate with how Lotor underwent an apparent abrupt change in S6? The comparison might come across as superficial, but I promise I’ll go deeper when discussing the S6 scenes.

Also, this reveals a much deeper truth about Lotor. He is in denial about what happened to his mother. Pay attention to the scene where Allura suggests that Honerva might have turned into Haggar.

“That witch is not my mother!” snaps Lotor, taking Allura by surprise. Not only he raises his voice at the princess, but he instantly turns his back on her, leading to an awkward moment. I found this instance extremely telling. Suggesting to Lotor that his mother turned into a witch?? Unconceivable!

I’m reiterating this: he ADORES his mother, and he adores Altea. He wants to protect his mother’s image as much as he wants to protect his Altean colony, at all cost. Even if that means keeping the colony a secret from Allura - the princess of ancient Altea - who slowly conquers his heart. Was there a conflict inside him about this? I’m absolutely sure there was.

Another relevant aspect about Lotor is that he’s an Altean culture nerd. Especially the alchemy part. He’s been hunting high and low for Oriande, because his sharp intelligence guided him in the right direction. And with a bit of persistence, he guides Allura in the right direction, too. Together, they unlock the compass stone, and, despite the Paladins’ and Coran’s doubts, Lotor convinces them to “navigate by cave poetry”, eventually discovering Oriande.

—————————————

Lotor has Altean marks? The Marks of the Chosen, no less. I love the attention to the shape of the marks, too. Uncorrupted Alteans display half-moon marks, while Haggar’s look completely distorted, like scars dragging across her face. In between them is… Lotor. His marks are neither half-moons, nor disfigured shapes. Daywalker?

In any case, the fact that he is accepted in the realm of Oriande clearly means that he has potential for alchemic powers.

Even in the celestial beauty of such a place, his mind flies into dark corners, recalling the destruction of Ven’tar’s planet. This should tell you how deep his wounds go, and how desperately they need healing. With such unspeakable beauty around him, his miserable expression only underscores the level of internal trauma.

“You know, I envy you growing up with King Alfor. I always wanted to be an explorer and learn about the universe. My father was only interested in conquering it. He once put me in charge of a planet for a year, running the quintessence mining and getting to know the local population. Rather than employ the usual Galran methods of subjugation, I worked alongside the leadership of the planet, learning their customs. We would only extract as much quintessence as could be replenished. And I enjoyed my time there quite a bit. When my father found out what was happening, he ordered me to destroy the planet. I refused, and he sent me away.”

“At least you stood up for those people,” replies Allura.

“He destroyed them all. I was powerless to stop him. I spent the following centuries searching for clues about my Altean heritage, another culture destroyed by Zarkon.”

“I’m glad you’re here to help me now. I never would’ve gotten here without you,” Allura smiles back.

Notice how Allura brings lightheartedness into the conversation, always aiming his attention to the full side of the glass. When he turns around to face her, this is one of his most iconic, beautiful, gentle, hopeful, yet heartbreaking expression in the entire series:

Allura infuses him with optimism, like no one else did before. She is the soothing salve over his old wounds, arriving into his life to open up a bright future. Oriande awaits them, the future awaits them. Hope and love bloom in his heart, and you can read it on his face, overlayed with the fatigue lines etched under his eyes. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m absolutely in love with Studio Mir’s clean drawing style, yet capable of rendering a vast array of emotions with just a few pen strokes.

Inside the pyramid, Lotor makes a few remarks, which reflect his curiosity but also his relative lack of instincts about what to do next. He relies on logic and educated guesses.

“The mysteries we seek are hidden somewhere deep inside.”

“We may yet to prove that we’re worthy to be here.”

“There must be a clue. Something a trained Altean would recognize.”

Similarly, when the Sages attack, his training guides him to apply known and well-rehearsed battle tactics - he’s ducking away from their spears. Allura has the presence of mind to pull out the compass stone, addressing them reverently, and Lotor - behind her - instantly mimics her gestures. Yes, he’s a fast learner, but it’s a bit too late for learning. The trial time is near.

The trial itself provides us with a head-to-head comparison between his tactics and Allura’s. They each apply themselves according to their upbringing, and therein lies the tragedy of his failure.

When he finds himself alone in the celestial domain, what do we see first, glowing in his enlarged eyes?

Fear.

He gasps as he opens his eyes, looks around warily, then calls for her, “Allura?” Without her, he is insecure, because he is not prepared for this; it’s a kind of trial he’d never attended before. (He aced the Galran Agotian trials, yet he clearly struggles here).

Of course calling out for her suggests he might also be worried about her, but I believe - from the hints given so far from their adventure inside the pyramid - that he is genuinely lacking confidence. He even stated so, as they began their journey: “None of my research or travels have prepared me for this. From here, we are on our own.”

And what do Galrans do when faced with their own fears?

Victory or death.

“I will never yield! I will gain your secrets!”

Here, I read pride, anger, determination, unwillingness to give in.

He doesn’t even consider another method; the emotional domino of fear-aggression is ingrained into who he is, from a young age. And in the end… his own aggression is his undoing.

If you take a look at Allura’s demeanor, she does not gasp in fear as she takes in her surroundings. She does not call for Lotor.

“I do not wish to fight. I come here seeking knowledge,” she addresses the White Lion.

“What can I do?” she continues, humbly.

“No. This isn’t the way. I seek the secret of life. I give my own.”

Notice the requirements of an Altean trial:

humbleness in the face of unknown;

non-aggression;

willingness for self-sacrifice.

Lotor, unfortunately, does not display any of these.

In the meditation practice, there is one particular method that helps ease anxiety, worries and fear of unknown. It involves staying with your own emotions, allowing them to unfold, simply noticing and embracing them. Fear becomes a friend which does not need to be battled, but acknowledged.

What Allura did was to basically embrace her fear of the White Lion, to allow the fear to manifest, and in doing so, she conquered it.

Conversely, by fighting with your own emotions, you only prolong your agony.

When the Life Giver tells Allura, “You are home, and the secret is already within you,” we finally understand why Allura passed this trial, and why Lotor failed. If the secret is already within her, she instinctively directs her actions according to the ancient practices and wisdom of Altea, where she grew up. At Oriande she is home.

On the other hand, Lotor is hard-wired into the victory or death philosophy, which guides fear in the opposite direction, that of aggression. At this time, Oriande is not his home, unfortunately. He yells, “No. No!” realizing his failure. It’s a cry of desperation, he’s angry with himself for his defeat.

It’s ironic though: he knows that aggression is not the way, yet he himself cannot overcome it. It’s also paradoxical, because he is searching for ways to bring peace to the universe. He preaches peace and prosperity, but he lacks the deeper understanding of how to fully achieve it. Living in such a hostile environment for millennia, we cannot but recognize that this is the way the environment shaped him. Nature versus nurture, exactly the words of one of the EP’s. Also, from the same interview: “It was a very bad hand. That deck was stacked against him in every way in his upbringing. If he had this amazing accepting family that Allura had, he probably would have been a magnificent person. He had to live his life the only way he could, and a lot of that was through manipulation and doing things the only way he could get them done. It’s tragic.” (Source: Den of Geek - The Ultimate Downfall of Lotor, June 28, 2018 - link in comments)

Despite his defeat, I found it admirable that he does not bear jealousy on Allura, honestly acknowledging her magical powers: “You are a true Altean alchemist. Oriande was for you, not for me.”

One thing I’m wondering though: did Lotor ever learn anything from his defeat? He is a fast learner, so how did he internalize this event? I’m sure Allura recounted to him how she came to pass the trial, so did he ever put the pieces together, to figure out where he went wrong?

————————————

After Oriande, Season 6 warms us up to his character even more. The encounter with Dayak in S6E1 provides us with precious comic moments that further humanize his character. Suddenly, he is not the stiff emperor with a royal demeanor and parlance, but the teenager who’s embarrassed about his mom, while trying to look cool around his buddies, which subsequently suggests that he cares about his relationship with the Paladins, also proven by the way he introduces them to Dayak: “These are my colleagues. They have more than my permission to speak.”

In addition, their dynamic gives us a moment to ponder on the type of Galran education he received. Now that we are fresh from the Oriande experience, learning how Lotor grew up - under the constant threat of the whipping pain - provides a better perspective into the kind of cards life handed him.

In the same time, let’s not vilify all his upbringing. As a prince, Dayak offered him the highest kind of education one could receive: “The history of our conquests, our customs, battle philosophy, the art of war.” Yes, they are all veered towards war-related matters, but those are subjects of vital importance to any nation, even in times of peace. The end of S8 will have Allura basically learn to navigate this dark side, guided by ghost!Lotor and the entity. As much as Lotor needs to learn from Allura, she also needs to understand and absorb his wisdom.

If one needs a summary of Lotor’s past, find it right within Lotor’s speech, broadcast across his empire: “Slayer of a tyrant, child raised in the void and taught on the battlefield.”

From the conversation between Lt. Lahn and Commander Bogh, it’s clear that Lotor’s dream of peace is too abstract for his subjects. There are prejudices against him that are hard to tame. Lotor is well aware of them; even his empyreal address reflects this issue.

But one particular conversation raised a red flag to me. At the news of Sendak’s attack on a mining planet, the Paladins offer their immediate assistance. Lotor says, “Sendak would have me respond to his attack and neglect my empire.”

Allura replies with determination, “Voltron can handle this, while you continue to rule.”

Lotor insists, “But Princess, I need you here. Without you—”

“Your plan has waited this long. It can wait a tick longer. We must protect your innocent subjects,” says Allura.

“Of course. You’re right,” Lotor acquiesces in Allura’s decision.

This, right here, introduces a major hint at a future reveal. Is Lotor going to allow an entire mining colony to perish under Sendak’s attack? (“sacrifice a few…” - rings any bell?) When Allura emphasizes “innocent subjects”, I read frustration, impatience… and something more on his expression. He’s obviously annoyed that his plans are being delayed. As he told Allura, “it is paramount” that they focus all their energy on infusing his ships with alchemy. He’s getting so close to his dream, and now Sendak comes to derail him.

This askance look suggests he is hiding something. And we read a conflict within him, in the way he presses his eyelids closed under a slight frown, then reopens them into a forced-amiable expression.

There are many ways to interpret his internal conflict:

which innocent subjects should he focus on first? The Alteans - his most precious people - with whom he hasn’t been in contact for a while, or the mining colony attacked by Sendak? What if the Altean colony is in danger of peril as well, and he’s tied up with empyreal matters?

maybe he is simply embarrassed that he let a “little” mischief slip past his mask? He’s never been put in a situation like this, working alongside honest, compassionate people, who care for the lives of others. Not that he doesn’t care overall - on the contrary, all he does is because he desperately wants to pacify the empire and ultimately free his Altean colony, but the way he goes about it requires cutting some… corners; translation - sacrifices.

maybe time is of essence; perhaps he knows things we don’t know about his colonies (there are many unresolved things about the Altean colony plot, so here I can only speculate).

all of the above?

In any case, this little detail adds an extra tint of gray to his character.

—————-------

S6E2 and E3 elevate the relationship between Lotor and Allura to a level of trust and fondness for each other that we haven’t seen them develop for others. Lotor genuinely loves Allura, something confirmed in interviews with EP’s. He is not simply using her for his secret agenda. What is blooming between them is real, and you can see it in the way he behaves around her, the gentle hand touches, the almost-kiss interrupted by the Paladins, their discussions while working on his ships, his excitement to share the “grand news” about the progress he makes on his Sincline. Allura is beginning to be the soul-healer of his past traumas; his optimism is soaring. He is able to relax more around her, as he truly trusts her.

————------------

S6E4 (“The Colony”) begins with Lotor, facing his Sincline ship, ready for the trip to the rift, telling Allura: “I’ve waited an eternity for this. […] It means so much to me to share this with you.”

The moment of his life. He’s waited for this for thousands of years. Thousands. Not decades, not centuries. The anticipation, the emotion, it must be like nothing he ever felt.

I loved the reference to the DotU little technical terms, as they prepare for the trip of a lifetime: “Infracells up. Dynotherms connected. Mega-thrusters are go.” It gives their relationship even more meaning and legitimacy in the audience’s eyes.

Pay attention to the comments the Paladins make, as Lotor and Allura enter the rift:

Lance: “Last time anyone got in there, it turned Zarkon evil.”

Shiro: “Zarkon fell prey to his own evil instincts. The quintessence field didn’t create them. It revealed them.”

I’ve used Shiro’s comment in the analysis of Honerva and Zarkon’s arcs as well, but the fact that the writers chose to insert it right before Lotor’s trip to the rift is a clear enough hint (albeit “evil” and “instincts” have nuances, just like Lotor’s numerous character shades).

When they enter the rift, there is a moment where Lotor’s eyes narrow a bit…

That, right there, is Lotor’s cunning expression he often displayed in the episodes before befriending the Paladins. It clearly points out to us that there is more going on in his mind.

An evil plot? This would be the immediate thought, right? Especially immediately after Shiro mentioning “evil instincts”.

Or maybe it isn’t an evil plot, but its execution is… less clean (“Lotor may have been misguided, but ultimately, he wanted to preserve life”). Hence, the evil-looking smirk. #LotorWasFramed?

“What we do here today will change the course of the universe forever,” says Lotor, while measuring the energy readings inside the rift.

Allura ponders over the quintessence effects, “In the hands of the wrong person, this power could easily corrupt.”

“Together, we’ll see it never does and continue the work your father started so long ago,” Lotor replies.

Two things:

Another warning: Quintessence in the hands of the wrong person…

“Together”: Yes, if they split up, things will go sideways.

“I can feel the quintessence coursing through me,” says Lotor euphorically, as they travel through the rift.

Allura, ecstatically sighing, replies, “It’s like my spirit, my whole being, is more alive.”

Quintessence is the space-drug of the series, it’s no doubt about that, even the EP’s have made the comparison. A double-edged sword, capable of conferring supernatural abilities and sensations, yet destructive enough to turn you into a Zarkon.

Not only Lotor is feeling its effects, Allura does too. Keep this in mind as I’ll discuss upcoming events.

For the first time in eons, his stars are aligned in the best possible way. They “accomplished something amazing” - entering the rift and collecting quintessence. He has the most powerful princess in the universe by his side, the gifted alchemist he so sorely needed for millennia. His plan is coming along fabulously.

But I think the most amazing accomplishment is that they finally confirm their feelings. The kiss happens. The bond that forms in their hearts is a potential catalyst for extraordinary changes, within themselves and to the universe around them. Double, triple euphoria for him.

-------------------------

Can this man’s life turn any more tragic?

The moment of… (alleged) truth happens. The moment we find out, through Romelle’s story, that Lotor has been harvesting Alteans for their quintessence, for generations. The conclusion of her accusations is that he has been draining the Alteans for his own power and glory.

(Notice the general expression of guilt: self-hugging, chin dropped to the chest, peeking from underneath his frowned eyebrows)

DESCENT INTO MADNESS

Let’s see, from Lotor’s perspective, what shocking events he goes through, to understand the underlying cause of his mental breakdown in S6E6.

1. Physical rejection by the woman he fell in love with.

Right after the high of their kiss and their rift breakthrough, he finds himself at gunpoint, accused of mass murder.

In reply to their accusations, Lotor says, “You know nothing about what you speak. […] Allura, listen to me. I’ve dedicated my life to preserving Altean culture. Now that we’ve unlocked the quintessence field, all of your people, who would have been hunted down long ago had it not been for my intervention, can live in peace. Were some lives lost in the process? Yes. But they were martyrs to a noble cause. I sacrificed a few to preserve the future for millions. Allura, do not let this ruin everything we’ve worked for. Think of what we experienced in the quintessence field.”

From what he says, we can deduce exactly what I’ve pieced together so far: that he was deeply preoccupied with preserving the Altean life and culture - he “dedicated” his life to it. This was his purpose in life, it was what he cared most about, and every action, every little or grand mischief that we’ve seen so far along the seasons, they all point to one sole purpose: pacifying the universe so he could bring his Alteans out of their hideout, so they can “live in peace”. They were his Mother Altea - metaphorically, the mother he never had.

His explanation is vague enough that we don’t understand some essential aspects about the “martyrs”, but also, his approach to Allura, right after such horrifying news, touching her hand while reminding her of what they “experienced” in the rift, obviously rubs her the wrong way.

Fresh from the rift with a dose of ultra-pure emotional enhancer called quintessence, Allura reacts violently, without seeking more answers. From here, things quickly roll downhill.

2. Being taken hostage.

3. Facing the truth about his mother, Haggar/Honerva.

For some reason, this event in his life never seems to be a subject of much discussion. I believe this holds a large role in his traumatic rollercoaster before the battle with Allura. The discussion with Honerva reveals the fact that he is still in denial about his mother’s downfall. His fists tremble in anger - another sign of emotional gravity.

According to him, his mother “ceased to exist when Honerva drew her last breath”, while Haggar represents an “abomination”, “a twisted perversion of what was once so pure and beautiful”. If you want a little Transactional Analysis (TA) parallel, this is exactly Child-Lotor from the other reality, saying: “No. My mother is dead. And you cannot replace her!”

What I find even more dramatic is that his entire life he’s been compensating for his lack of maternal love by completely immersing himself into the Altean culture, while his biological mother did everything to thwart his efforts to connect with his maternal legacy.

This is a huge blow to his internal set of values, and the fact that he reacts with total denial suggests (again, applying TA) that, with his fears confirmed, Child-Lotor feels cornered, afraid, trapped, thus his reaction of rejection towards her.

Bear this in mind, because I believe at the core of Lotor’s tragic turn in this episode resides a wounded Child.

4. Attempting to fix it, under pressure.

He is being punched from ALL directions.

Yet he persists.

His urgent priority? Finding Allura.

Even though Acxa explains that it will take a while to get back to the castle of Lions, he replies: “Then what are we waiting for?” I read desperation, a rush to try to fix things.

Although Allura tossed him to the ground, he holds no grudge against her.

Why does he return to her?

Why not the colony?

After all, it was his most precious planet in the universe! Oh, but this is not a tactical decision… It clearly stems from his emotions - he will soon confess it as well - because he truly loves Allura.

The fear of losing her is greater than his fear for the colony. Now that the secret is out, now that he knows that clone-Shiro was Haggar’s spy, it must be clear to him that his colony is completely exposed. The Altean civilization that he worked so hard to protect from the evils of his parents is inches away from being overtaken by Haggar, yet he flies right back to Allura! How telling!

Oh, but the way the story frames it leads us to believe that he wants to get back to the rift due to his greed for more power, because that was Allura’s conclusion about why he was returning: “He needs to get back into the quintessence field.”

No he does not. His Sincline can jump in and out of the rift at his own will, so he can access the rift from anywhere. He explicitly said to his generals that, “We’re headed to the Castle of Lions’ last known location.” (S6E5) He’s not headed to the rift, he is headed towards ALLURA.

“Accessing the quintessence field has been Lotor’s singular drive for millennia. He wants to harness the power for himself, but we cannot let him,” says Allura in S6E6. Wrong. What did he just explain to her earlier? “Now that we’ve unlocked the quintessence field, all of your people, who would have been hunted down long ago had it not been for my intervention, can live in peace.” Accessing the quintessence field does not reflect his final goal, it is a means to a higher purpose: freeing the Alteans.

5. The fallout. The dam-breaking moment.

Let me start by saying that Lotor is generally a calm and composed character - a mask he has built into his persona and practiced it for millennia, because he needs to display confidence, not weakness, around both his subjects and his enemies. It is the way of the Galra. Also, the attribute of a leader.

That doesn’t mean he does not show moments of panic or outbursts of anger. On the contrary, we witnessed them along the episodes: when killing Narti, when flying into the solar flares, the moment he kills Zarkon, when snapping at Allura… These little slips hint at the true emotions roiling underneath his mask. Most of us understand this mechanism; think of school exams and how anxious we felt inside, despite displaying a relatively calm expression while entering the test room.

Given the extraordinary tension of the negative events that befall right after his most triumphant moments, what are the odds that behind this façade, Lotor’s anxiety is at an all-time high? The fact that he does not show it yet doesn’t mean it’s not there. But we’ll begin to see it, as soon as he starts talking to Allura.

En route to Allura, Lotor tells his generals: “Zethrid, Ezor, my deepest apologies for lying to you both, but in order to gain the princess’ trust, and make the Paladins of Voltron believe we were truly at odds, it had to be done. […] Today we will gain access to unlimited quintessence, and together, we usher in a new era of power.”

Did he just slip back under another one of his facades? Did he truly trick Allura and the Paladins? Perhaps yes, but not in the way we are led to believe.

What he says is true - he did have to pretend to be at odds with Zethrid and Ezor in order to gain the Paladins’ trust. Imagine the chaos (not that we wouldn’t have enjoyed it) these ladies would have brought to team Voltron. Would Lotor risk his reputation with such “scoundrels” around the innocent Paladins? I mean… Zethrid replies, “As long as I get to blow something up, I’m good.” That wouldn’t fly with Allura.

Lotor basically gave each side what they expected to hear, while he pushed forward with his agenda. In order to gain Ezor and Zethrid’s trust again, he had to explain himself, and he doesn’t really lie, does he?

But what’s up with ushering “a new era of power”? Hehe, this is where we all get tricked into thinking he wants all the power of the quintessence for his own glory, thus we’re mentally confirming what Allura just said: “He wants to harness the power for himself.” Wrong again, and I’ll link this up to his next statements.

After the Paladins destroy the inter-reality gate, they ready themselves for a confrontation. They expect Lotor to come with guns blazing. Hunk even calculates the odds of three Sincline ships to four Lions. Lance, the team lead in Keith’s absence, orders: “Hold your positions. Let Lotor make the first move.”

Well, Lotor’s first move, even after seeing the gate destroyed, is to seek peace. He does not lie in any of his statements; these all tie in together with what he’s been saying so far. “We need not fight today. We are all on the same side. I know what you all must think of me now that you know my past. It doesn’t have to change our future together. The truth is, I want to harness the power of the quintessence field to better the universe, just like I said. Nothing has changed.”

Allura, raising her voice, replies, “You enslaved countless Alteans. Harnessed their life source for your own personal gain. How many innocent lives did you destroy?”

Lotor calmly attempts to explain: “Allura, I—”

“How many?” she roars back, without allowing him to finish.

(What was he going to say? He was clearly going to divulge exactly the key detail we are missing from the colony story, but Allura, whose temper is out of control, diverts the subject.)

After a deep breath under closed eyes, Lotor replies, “It’s true. Many Alteans perished in my quest to unlock the mysteries of quintessence. But I protected thousands more, and I rescued their culture, our culture.”

Comparing Allura and Lotor’s demeanor, it’s clear that Allura is the fire-starter. Not without reason though; from her perspective, one of a victim of mass-destruction, she has every right to be mad, and we, the viewers, sympathize with her.

On the other hand, Lotor seems to keep it together. He truly loves her, otherwise he wouldn’t try so hard for a peaceful solution. Even Zethrid asks, confused: “Why is he pleading with the Paladins? Why are we not opening fire?”

Ezor says, cynically, “I stopped trying to figure out Lotor’s master plan long ago. Too complicated!”

The only one who seems to comprehend what’s going on in Lotor’s heart is Acxa, who casts a worried glance towards him. Worrisome indeed, because heartbreaks are most terrifying, if things go out of control.

“Allura, you must understand I’ve given everything I have to plumb the depths of King Alfor’s knowledge, to unlock the mysteries of Oriande. Please, Allura, we’ve come too far together. Surely, you can see the greatness we’ve already accomplished. There’s still more to come. Join me. We’re on the same side.”

“No, we’re not!!” Allura screams at the top of her lungs, blasting her Lion’s canon at him.

Notice, Allura fires the first shot. Lotor, in response, yells at his generals: “Hold your fire! Hold your fire!” Acxa is sweating in tension - because she intuits how bad this could go. Zethrid is frustrated, while Ezor looks completely confused.

Lotor, keeping it together with his last emotional energy, is desperately trying to reach Allura. His voice trembles from the emotion, from the utter despair and anguish. His pupils have narrowed, eyes wide open. He sees his most precious relationship falling apart, he’s clinging to a last thread of hope. Allura is the one true love he met after ten thousand years of traumas and the most gifted alchemist. He has given everything he had to arrive here.

Altea awaits them. Together they could bring their people out of the shadows, they could rule a New Altea, “a new era of power” as he told his generals.

“Allura, stop! You and I hold the ancient knowledge of our Altean culture. We were meant to be together. My feelings for you are true - and I know you have feelings for me as well.”

Cry as many rivers you need to, because this is the most tragic declaration of love.

Lotor, right here, wears his heart on his sleeve in front of everyone to see. Vulnerable, open-hearted, sincere - perhaps the most sincere declaration of his entire life, he opens himself up to Allura, he puts his trust in her, with all his wounds and unresolved traumas of the past.

Remember the “I’ll be fine” reply after defeating his father? No, he is not fine, his wounds have never healed.

This is why Allura’s reply falls like a guillotine on his already ravaged soul.

“You betrayed and used me. You’re more like Zarkon than I could have ever imagined!”

Comparing him with Zarkon? The one man who destroyed his life, who terrorized him for eons? We’ve seen his irked reaction to this comparison in the past, but now? Now the emotions are at all-time high. His bleeding heart is out for her to see, and she slays it, full-force.

Every trauma from his past converges here. This is the boiling point, the dam-breaking moment. This is where his hope dies. The moment of agency. (As I said in the beginning, at the critical point of the madness arc, whatever breaks the dam is a world-shattering event: extreme grief, total loss of loved ones, closest allies and friends, the breach of trust towards the world, or a combination of these. The character will try to fix the world and/or get back at the ones who hurt him.)

The shrilling noises of the soundtrack make us cringe, like we could feel the shiver that runs down his spine as his heart suddenly grows cold. He replies with a stark voice. “What about your father? He may have been a master engineer, but Alfor was too weak to defend his home world. I’m the one who had to step up and save our entire race. Who are you to question my tactics in bringing peace and prosperity to the universe?”

Remember his similar reply when he was a prisoner in her castle? It’s his gut reaction to a most sensitive subject: his father. She wants to talk family? He’s punching back with brutal opinions on Alfor, because at this point he desires nothing more but for her to feel the same kind of pain.

“Who are you…?” She’s a stranger. Someone who doesn’t have a place in his heart anymore.

“Destroy the Lions,” he orders his generals over a cold expression. He’s made his choice.

Hell breaks loose.

If you think that the negative effects of the rift trip applied only to Lotor, let me put this in perspective:

Allura is equally overloaded with adrenalin. And from the battle scene, we can see that she is the one attacking him first, her roar as loud as her Lion’s. As the fight continues, Lotor perfectly executes evasive maneuvers around her, continuing to keep a blank expression, until… he erupts, like a volcano of unresolved, under-pressure turmoil:

“Once I wipe out Voltron, I’m going to start a new Altea. An Altea that will never know of Princess Allura or King Alfor. Nor will they know of the Lions of Voltron. All they’ll know is me, their great leader! Hahaha, I’m ready to wipe the universe clean of all my enemies. Voltron, Haggar, and the rest of the Galra!”

Here’s where many of us got him wrong, thinking that this has been Lotor’s real intention from the get-go: to destroy Voltron and rule a new empire for his own glory.

The only way I can properly explain this is through the psychological mechanisms - not only what goes on in Lotor’s mind, but in our mind as well.

1. Let’s start with us. The script so far played to convince us that Lotor planned this evil plot all along. How did we get tricked? Through all the little hints dropped along the way, which I already pointed out. Our knee-jerk reaction naturally ensues as “A-ha, I told you so.” However, many of us began to have doubts.

2. Shifting the focus back on Lotor, here’s what I said right after the scene with the destruction of Ven’tar’s planet: “after Zarkon destroyed his heart, Lotor ran straight into the arms of Mother Altea”.

I remember, earliest childhood memories, that if I was mad at my dad, I would run to my mom. If I was upset on both of them, I’d cry for my grandparents. It’s only natural that the child seeks love, affection, protection, and as we grow older, that Child within us, with all its basic emotions and needs, continues to coexist underneath our Adult.

The bigger the wounds of the past, the larger the needs of the inner Child.

What happens when the Child within us loses all emotional contacts, all the love and support it sorely needs? When all our friends and allies are gone, when we lose contact with reality, when the closest friend and lover stabs us in our deepest wounds… where do we go from there?

Where did the wounded, cornered Child-Lotor escape, away from the cruel reality around him?

What was his last refuge? His last place where he he would always be received with unquestioning devotion by the masses?

ALTEA.

The Alteans praised him as a god, a messiah, their savior. His statue dominated their landscape.

Altea was his life-long project, the only heritage from his real mother, the place where he poured all his passion (“I’ve dedicated my life to preserving the Altean culture.”). Until he met Allura, that had been his only source of love and joy.

Altea was the family he never had.

Who we see here, screaming and kicking, is the wounded, cornered inner Child, irrational, filled with pure negative emotions. There is no reasonable Adult in the picture, no normative Parent, just pure madness. Fear leads to aggression (the Galra way), similar to his reaction of slaying the Lion at Oriande. He screams about becoming the great leader of a new Altea that will never know of Allura, Voltron, Alfor, etc, because ALTEA IS HIS LAST PLACE OF REFUGE, where he hopes to forget about this painful past. Child-Lotor is hurt, deeply hurt, he wants destroy all who wounded him, then run away into the arms of Mother Altea. He descends into madness with guns blazing, ready to get back at those who hurt him, and in an ultimate irrational cry, he includes the Galra in his list of mortal enemies, because they, too, hurt him when he was a child.

He bitterly comments: “Even my generals betray me!” A self-fulfilling prophecy, as he becomes disconnected from literally everyone.

Acxa yells “Lotor, don’t do this!” as he ejects them one by one from the ships. She knows what he’s about to do - form the Sincline robot, because she worked on building the ships. She knows how powerful it can become and realizes how far Lotor is gone.

Sprinkle quintessence atop the irrational, negative emotions and the cocktail for disaster is right there.

Quintessence “reveals evil instincts” indeed, because

negative emotions are evil,

and emotions are instinctual (the definition of emotion is “a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others”).

Allura recognizes it during their battle inside the rift, when the Paladins begin to drift into rage. “We have to get out of here,” she yells. “This is exactly what happened to Zarkon. Exposure to all this quintessence turned him into a monster!”

—> So, did Lotor harbor “evil instincts” all this time? Well, we all carry negative emotions. The Paladins did too, when they screamed “Let’s destroy that guy!”, “Finish him!”, except that Allura pulled the plug before they could all become corrupted (the best way to prevent drug dependence is to not get exposed in the first place).

—> Does this confirm that he’s been planning this plot all along, that he truly wanted to become the all-powerful, “great leader” of a new Altea that would obliterate Alfor’s legacy? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It only proves that what happened to Lotor was a tragic descent into madness, a resultant of unresolved mental illness accumulated along the millennia, enhanced by a series of misfortunate events and misunderstandings between him and team Voltron, and blown out of proportions by quintessence (and maybe the little entity inside him, too).

After S6 dropped, viewers were complaining that they did not recognize this Lotor, that this was a different person. Well, remember what he said about his mother, when inspecting her science log? “By the end of these logs, it’s like they’re written by a different person. She’s frantic, paranoid, erratic. Her reason and intellect are gone, replaced by fear and paranoia.”

Voilà.

So then, what did Lotor want when he was in his right mind?

Exactly what he said: to bring Altea out of the shadows, into a universe free of violence. Bonus: having Allura with him meant that together, they made sure the quintessence never got into the wrong hands (idealistic, I know, but the man had a dream). Ruling alongside Allura, the “royal alliance”, would have been his most blissful destiny.

Did he plan on destroying all the Galra? I don’t believe so, because he told Allura that he wanted to “meet the needs of the Galra”.

Maybe get rid of some inconvenient warlords? For sure, they’d all rot with the ice worms.

Maybe install an Altean leadership instead? “A new era of power?” It’s quite possible that might have been in the back of his mind. Who knows, maybe it would have turned just like the alternate reality where the Paladins traveled, where the enemies of Altea were turned into “non-cogs”. Anything is possible, we’d have to ask the writers what they had in mind.

Did he dream of becoming the “great leader”? Maybe not in a megalomaniac way, but he probably envisioned himself as a benevolent emperor, since he had a huge need for validation and love. His giant statue is a testament to that.

Did he want all the power for himself? No. All evidence points to the fact that he was willing to share it with Allura (“royal alliance”), with Voltron, with the Coalition. He even tells them, through boiling wrath: “It didn’t have to end like this.”

Some voices insist that Lotor could have told Allura (at least Allura, not the others) about his secret colonies, but because he was hiding that, it meant that he was hiding evil intents. No, he couldn’t tell anyone, his hands were tied because of Haggar stalking him. When Allura was piloting Voltron, her mind was connected with the rest of the Paladins. If Haggar had access to clone-Shiro’s mind, what would prevent her from tapping into the others’ minds?

“Now we will see how Alfor’s legacy stands against the new Altean defender!” screams Lotor during his clash against Voltron.

Altean… DEFENDER? I know this is irrational Lotor talking, but maybe this had been his plan all along? To create defenders for Altea, machines capable of fending off Galra invaders? If this is what his second colony was all about, then Allura’s visions in S8 also make sense - her mother telling her about protecting Altea against the Galra. Speculating.

As the battle heats up, Sincline jumps in and out of the quintessence field at will. Along with that, we begin to see him turn more and more rogue, as the quintessence gradually poisons him.

“Unlimited power is mine. All realities will fall to the new Altean Empire.”

A new Altea, a new Altean defender, and now… a new Altean Empire. At the peak of his madness, new delusions of grandeur emerge - yes, now he wants unlimited power - but perhaps we can also take a little peek into his secret wishes? He’d dream of replacing the Galra ruling with an Altean leadership? It would make sense, since he loved Altea so much.

These are 100% madness tantrums: if nobody loves me, I’ll destroy all of you and rebuild my own world.

It very much resembles Honerva’s peak of madness: “If I cannot experience the simple joys of life, why should anyone else?” (Translation: If nobody gives me what I want, then screw you all.)

-----------------------------

We know the rest of Lotor’s arc, or what remains of it. Left in the quintessence field, then recovered by his mother in S8E6 “Genesis”, and, for the following episodes, Sincline is dangled in front of the audience like a carrot, only to wave goodbye to his ghost in the end, with a short “he deserved better” conclusion. Oh, let’s not forget about the cOrPse.

—————————————

Earlier I talked about the “alleged truth” that Romelle brought to the story, because up to this date we don’t know exactly the entire backstory of the colony, yet…

A. We were told all along the remaining of S6, entire S7 and almost all S8 that Lotor was

“a monster” (Romelle, S6E4),

“a murderer” (Pidge, S6E4),

someone who “fooled” everyone around him for his own power (Allura, S6E6),

who harnessed the Alteans’ life source for his “own personal gain” (Allura, S6E6),

a man who “preached unity, but in the end he only sought power” (Acxa, S7E3),

who “used” his allies, leading them down “a painful path, a never-ending cycle of destruction and loss” (Acxa, S8E5)

B. Out of nowhere, Allura exonerates him in the last episode of the series, asking Honerva to “honor” her son: “Lotor may have been misguided, but ultimately, he wanted to preserve life.”

So which one is it: A or B?

You don’t suddenly honor someone after you called them “murderer”, power-seeking “monster”, unless… something of extraordinary importance has been unveiled, to properly provide an exoneration of his character.

Was it ever unveiled? No.

Then, rational deduction… #LotorWasFramed?

I think so.

It started as writers’ deliberate story framing (proof provided in my above analysis), leading the audience to believe in a “he-was-evil-all-along” nature of Lotor, with the clear expectation of a much larger reveal later down the series, that would subvert the “villain” trope. In my opinion - based on logical deductions and supported by evidence of altered animation circulating in the fandom extensively, the big reveal was excised from S8, the only clues left residing in… metaphors and visions - Allura’s visions.

Reason of such excision? Just like the tragedy of Lotor’s arc, the tragedy of VLD lied in the conflict between the IP owner’s commercial target (toys for boys aged 6-12 and robot cartoons with classic, simple tropes such as good vs. evil, boy-hero gets the pretty girl, etc) and the actual execution of the story, which deployed complex characters like Lotor, Allura, Honerva, the Paladins, and so on, embraced by a different audience niche. Yet, even if the finale of S8 attempted to erase such complexity in order to realign the series with the aforementioned commercial intent, the creators nevertheless managed to insert their concluding message into the final episode - Lotor ultimately wanted to preserve life - thus, he deserved better.

———————————————

Season 8, although I consider it incomplete in regards to Lotor’s arc (and other arcs as well), does provide us with some interesting hints at what could have been, if the story hadn’t been altered, which would have further elucidated Lotor’s overall arc, because these hints contribute to showing us his true nature.

—> In S8E6 “Genesis”, Sincline has the target locked onto Allura, yet it does not open fire. We clearly see through Lotor’s eyes, as he readies his aim.

There is no doubt that a sentient soul coordinates the decision not to shoot. This reminds me of Zarkon’s singular confession to his son: “She was my only weakness.” Similarly, Allura is Lotor’s only weakness.

This scene begs a series of logical questions (*cough*, I love logic): if a sentient being operates Sincline, how can Lotor be dead? A dead man cannot operate Sincline.

If Honerva uses the entity to remote-control her living subjects and she also remote-controls Sincline, then logic would suggest that… a living subject, infected with the entity, inhabits the cockpit. Not a corpse.

Honerva tells Allura: “I am the only thing keeping my son at bay.” Um, she can’t really keep a dead son at bay, can she?

If he’s alive, then why are we shown the suggestion of a corpse, in S8E10? Or was it another altered scene? NB: static images are easy to redraw.

Also, motes of purple quintessence effuse from the “corpse”. We’ve seen these before, with Zarkon and Honerva right after coming back from the rift.

If the assumptions above are correct, then this scene would further align with what I have said in my previous metas regarding Zarkon and Honerva: the entity’s takeover happens as a gradual progression towards complete disconnect from self. At this point in the story, Lotor would be at the far end of the madness spectrum, completely possessed by the entity and overloaded with quintessence. This would create a coherent story, paralleling those of Zarkon and Honerva.

This theory about Lotor having the entity would also justify the next point:

—> Allura’s visions in S8E8 are a rich source of information.

Just like Honerva can telepathically connect with her subjects via the entity, if Lotor has the entity and he has a strong attachment to Allura, then he is telepathically causing her dream.

Since what Lotor tells Allura about the entity turns out to be true, why wouldn’t the other elements of her dream be true, too? (“nothing ever truly goes extinct” = he’s not really dead; “we both seek to destroy Haggar” = Lotor has been fighting Haggar all along; he’s showing her how to fight Haggar, because that’s how he did it in the past - and that can be seen as an explanation for his second colony, because it clearly implies that sacrifices have been made).

If Allura’s dream provides an allegory to Lotor’s second colony, it would justify the meaning of Lotor’s words: “they were martyrs to a noble cause.”

Also, this statement would provide backup: “Many Alteans perished in my quest to unlock the mysteries of quintessence. But I protected thousands more…” If he was looking for a way to use the entity and the quintessence to defend his colony against the Galra, then he was definitely on a quest to unlock their mysteries, to protect the thousands more.

In this context, the heist of the teludav lens in S3E6 has a justification, as he may have intended to use Alteans to operate it, in another one of his “quests”.

Although the origin of the clandestine, pure white vats of quintessence was never fully explained (the quintessence allegedly extracted from the second colony Alteans actually looked quite purple), the story made it clear that Lotor was using the ultra-pure variety to infuse at least his Sincline ships with it. If he calls his Sincline the new Altean Defender, perhaps he tested other vehicles as well, using that pure white quintessence?

These would all tie together his arc, and the last statement of the story would make absolute sense: “ultimately, he wanted to preserve life.”

—> Aside from these remarks, there are many other metaphorical takes to Allura’s vision.

Ghost!Lotor visiting Allura in her bedroom immediately sent my thoughts to a folklore myth that is common to many cultures, from South America to Africa, to Northern and Eastern Europe and beyond. The “incubus” is a demon or a soul that visits sleeping women, in some traditions thought to be a man who was rejected during his lifetime by a woman, seeking to get back to his lost love. A symbol of unrequited love, erotic temptations or female desires, the incubus bears many names, according to each folklore. “I thought you’d be happy to see me,” says Ghost!Lotor, perhaps reading her mind?

“The ancients believed that all of life began with a single juniberry flower.” Foreshadowing the last episode’s rebirth of the universe, perhaps Lotor was supposed to accompany her in the grand restoration?

————————————

Even without S8, my point is that Lotor’s story followed a madness arc, slowly evolving along his multi-millennial life, and subtly hinted at throughout the show. Despite arriving at the same level of insanity as his parents, the reasons for his downfall were truly tragic, and, had the last season been allowed to develop as intended by the writers, Lotor would have been vindicated through a fully-fledged arc, just like his parents - thus, he deserved better and, in my opinion, the writers deserved better. The proof is in the details, and I’ve zoomed in quite a bit during this analysis. VLD gave us an amazing show with complex characters and most inspiring animation art.

This is probably my last meta on VLD. Going forward, I’ll focus more on the bright side of things: fan art and fanfics. See you on the other side! 😘

[nickfowlerrr]

pretty when you cry - chapter nine

series masterlist / next chapter

*originally posted to @bellareadsandrecs on 04/13/22*

pairing: dark!biker!bucky x curvy!reader (dark!soulmate au)

warnings: 18+ ONLY. this is potentially a very triggering chapter (as if the others aren’t 🫣) so please proceed with caution. i did my best, but it’s always a possibility that i’ve missed something that should be tagged. toxic relationship. threats of violence. noncon/dubcon relationship. manipulation. emotional breakdown. 👀 if you feel anything needs to be added - please don’t hesitate to bring it to my attention!

words: 4k

notes: i’m sorry this isn’t really edited. i’m very tired and i have no concept of wether or not this is a cohesive, coherent chapter. 😙my apologies if this is shit. if it is, hopefully chapter ten will be better 💀 a lot of what i wanted to do in chapter nine is being pushed to ten and this is just kinda setting it all up. as always, feedback is more than welcome! thank you for reading and reblogging and commenting - i truly love reading what you all have to say and your thoughts. thank you for the continued support for this series and i hope you enjoy this new chapter 🥰💘

This is a DARK series!!! Please proceed with abundant caution.

If anyone knew …

You shook your head, dropping it in shame from just thinking about it. God, you couldn’t even imagine how disgusted they would be. How people would judge you if they ever found out. You couldn’t blame them. You judged yourself too.

You wrapped your arms around yourself protectively though you were standing alone in your room, wearing a good three layers of clothing.

All you had to do was get through dinner. He said he would leave if you told him to. He said he wouldn’t force you to do this. So you’d eat and then tell him to go. You had decided and you were set, deliberately ignoring the ache in your heart at the idea of Bucky leaving.

It would be for the best. This was too much. It was all way too much and you couldn’t hold out any longer. You couldn’t fight it any more, though you kept trying to. It was getting harder and harder the more he was around and the softer he became to you.

And what happens when you learn more about him, huh? What if it brings even more real emotions into the equation..

What happens if you love him.. Because, unfortunately, you were pretty sure you did. You didn’t like it, but you did.

You had reason enough to hate him, and a part of you did, yet that didn’t stop the yearning for him, it didn’t stop the ache you felt so deeply to be with him. It didn’t stop the unfounded love for him from overtaking you. So what happens once there’s actual reason to love him aside from the fated destiny you’ve been tied to? What are you expected to do with more rooted feelings for him?

Either way you were denying yourself. You ask him to stay and you deny yourself your dignity, you ask him to leave and you deny yourself your heart. Either way, you were going to be hurt.

And it already hurt too much. And he had hurt you too much, you had to remind yourself. That was the root of all of this. It was his fault. The struggle. The pain. The desperate longing that you had to fight to resist. You only had to resist because he couldn’t. How is that fair? It’s not. It’s not fair.

But that’s how things work out sometimes, right? Sometimes, life just isn’t fair.

So you’d go on knowing you were losing your soulmate, not because you truly wanted to. But because you had to. Didn’t you? There was no situation that could make what he did right. And you would feel betrayed and shamed every time you thought about it. What really were your choices here? Preserve any dignity and sense of self you had left and go on alone - or cave to the tugging in your chest that was constantly longing for Bucky and feeling like a fool anytime you would recall your first time with him. And Bucky was mean. Not always. And not always to you. But you knew he could be. He was dangerous and scary. And the leader of a literal biker gang. Danger was around every corner with him, you were sure. You were also sure he’d never let anything happen to you. Fuck, it was like every con was met with a ‘pro’ and every ‘pro’ was met with another con as you continue to rage war inside yourself.

The calling of your name from the kitchen broke you from your mind and you followed the sound out to meet Bucky setting the food on the table.

“Got enough layers on there, sweetheart?” he said as he looked you up and down. “If you’re cold I could always warm you up, ya know,” he said suggestively.

“I’m fine,” was all you responded with as you sat down at the chair in front of you, Bucky taking his own seat directly across from you. Your kitchen table wasn’t very big, so he was quite close to you. As you scooted your chair in, your knees bumped his and you quickly pulled your legs up onto your seat, one leg bent up and the other, you sat on while Bucky just smirked at you.

“I made you come on my fingers not even an hour ago and now you can’t even handle your clothed knee bumping into mine?” he taunted, exasperated.

“That was.. It was a mistake. That shouldn’t have happened. It just- just clouded my already skewed judgment. I shouldn’t have-”

“Why shouldn’t you have?” he interjected.

“I can barely think straight when you’re around, Bucky. I -”

“Then just stop thinking so hard, doll,” he said seriously.

“You don’t get it. You don’t understand. It obviously didn’t affect you like it affected me, not - not in the same way,” you shook your head. “You.. I can’t - I don’t want to talk about it again,” you said as you looked down at the table. He made a sigh of acceptance and started opening the containers of food he had ordered for you both, scooping stuff onto both of your plates while you watched.

He sat back and watched you for a moment before grabbing his fork and beginning to eat.

“You just gonna stare at it? I know you haven’t eaten all day - I’ve been here with you,” he chastised.

You rolled your eyes and reluctantly picked up a fork of your own, playing with the food on your plate.

“So, what do you want me to start with? What do you want to know?”

“I don’t think I want to know anything, but considering you know all there is to know about me, I guess it’s only fair… Let’s start with your name,”

“Bucky,” he said quickly.

“Your actual name, jackass,” you bit while shooting daggers at him across from you, simultaneously stabbing a piece of broccoli onto your fork.

Bucky laughed as he took you in once again while finishing another bite of his food before responding.

“James. James Buchanan Barnes.”

“James,” you repeated with a raised eyebrow.

“Everyone calls me Bucky, ever since I was a kid..” he started.

As you sat in front of him, it all felt very intimate. Bucky told you about his life, growing up, and now - well as much information as he could without divulging anything he didn’t really want you to know. He owned a shop downtown with Steve that him and the guys worked out of. It was obvious enough that it was a front for whatever other business they involve themselves in, but you didn’t ask anything further about it. You really just sat and listened. You tried, very hard, to not get caught up in him. In his vulnerability. Of course he had been being sweet to you lately, but you hadn’t expected him to open up so much to you. Any question you had, he answered so long as it didn’t have anything to do with his work.

You had regretted asking him about his family. It was obvious how much he cared for his sisters and his mom and it pulled at your heartstrings to hear the way he spoke about them.

Bucky was nothing if not loyal. And fiercely protective, at that. You thought how someone who seemed to have been raised so well could be so… dark. But when Bucky told you about his later life, it started to piece together. All he went through, and how he ended up where he was now. How the club got started, how they ended up here in your town, which, to your ashamed delight included what exactly happened between them and Rumlow’s guys. He didn’t go too much into detail, but after he forced you to tell him why you were fighting a grin at the new information, prompting you to tell him about your run in with them two years prior, he was nearly seething when he spoke again. “Knew I shoulda gotten rid of that worthless piece of shit when I had the chance. Stupid son of a bitch,” he spoke mostly to himself before locking eyes with you again.

“You’re never gonna have to worry about him again, you know that, right?” he said sincerely.

You gave a single nod as you broke eye contact and looked back down to your plate.

You really, really, regretted asking him about his arm. But you were so sure he wasn’t going to tell you that you didn’t even think if you truly wanted to know. Or even how insensitive the question itself was. Not that he deserved any of your sensitivities considering his track record. It still managed to make you feel like the worst person in the world, though.

Because he did tell you. Everything. The torture he went through. The trauma. God, how he lost his arm. It was horrible. Your heart broke for him despite yourself as he recounted his past. You didn’t even realize you had started to tear up until a tear fell and you quickly wiped it away, praying he didn’t notice as his stare was far off as he spoke.

You really needed to get a grip. What you wanted was to wrap Bucky in your arms and hold him, to offer him some form of comfort he hadn’t received in a lifetime. But you couldn’t do that. You wrapped your arms around yourself instead. Needing some comfort of your own.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” you said softly.

He just looked back at you and smiled wryly.

“Was a long time ago, now,” he said almost dismissively as he picked at his food once again.

He huffed and dropped his fork, letting it clatter on the plate. You stared at him, perplexed.

“I really don’t know why I just told you all of that. I wasn’t gonna, ya know,” he huffed. “I didn’t want you to know any of that,” he said, sounding confused and a little angry. It was a charged minute of silence and stillness between the two of you.

“You done?” he asked abruptly as he picked up his nearly empty plate, moving to take yours as you nodded.

“You don’t have to wash those, I can do it,” you said as you slowly stood from your seat, cautiously approaching him, but stopping as you planted yourself and fought to find your courage and resolve. Something inside you told you that this wasn’t going to play out well, but you needed to do it. So you continued, “But I uhm.. I think you should..- you should probably go. It’d be a good time for you to go now.” It was a hell of a lot shakier than you planned, and you sounded unreasonably nervous, but you got it out, at least.

Bucky, however, froze at your words and the energy change was instantaneous. The light outside was gone and the darkness encasing you in the kitchen was disturbed only by the yellow overhead light that glowed down as Bucky’s face was in shadows, making him appear more menacing than normal.

“Go?” he all but growled.

“Yes,” you breathed as you stood still .

“You think I’m just gonna leave?” he chuckled bitterly.

“You.. said you would. If I asked you to go, you said you’d go.”

“I just gave you practically my whole life story, offered my heart to you on a platter,” he spit as the plate he held in his metal hand shattered to pieces from his tightening grip, “And you’re just gonna tell me to go?”

“You sai- ah!” you jumped when he slammed the other plate down in the sink, the sound startling you, making your heart beat faster than you thought possible.

“I know what I said. I guess I just thought you were smart enough to realize that I wasn’t really giving you an option, sweetheart. I didn’t think you’d be stupid enough to continue trying to deny this when I’ve made it more than clear that you’re mine,”

“I’m not yours,” you bit back. “And I’m not stupid enough to keep playing into your manipulative games. I’m denying it because I deserve better, better than what you did to me, better than whatever kind of fucked up love you’re capable of giving.” He growled and before you could even register what was happening, he was on you. His hand was like a vice on your throat as he moved you effortlessly and backed you up against the counter.

“Better?” He challenged. “You think you can get better than what I’m giving you? You think anyone is going to care about you the way I do? You think anyone could love you more than I do?”

You didn’t, not truly. And as your heart stung at his words, he obviously noticed.

“It doesn’t get any better than me, sweetheart. You need me,” he continued to seethe in your face as you struggled against his firm grip.

“I’ve been alone my entire life,” you choked out. “I don’t need anyone’s love, least of all yours,” you said through the tears of pure rage and heartbreak that were streaming down your cheeks as he finally relented after you continued shoving against him.

“Those tears would suggest otherwise,” he countered as he reached to wipe your cheek. You batted his hand away and flinched from him.

“Don’t fucking touch me! God, I don’t know why I thought for even a second that you could be good for me, that I actually believed you could really love me - that you could care for me,” you sobbed openly. Not caring how unabashed you were being in front of him. Ignoring the embarrassment burning through you. You couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“You know how badly I want you? It’s breaking me. You’re breaking me. And I can’t take it. I don’t deserve it. It’s not fair! This isn’t fair! And it’s your fault. This is all your fucking fault! I hate you! I fucking hate you,” you wailed as you continued to evade him each time he tried to reach out for you, each step he took toward you, even going as far as throwing down a chair to block him from you as you continued backing away from the kitchen, though you didn’t make it far as you started to struggle to catch your breath through the onslaught of tears.

“You’ve ruined my life,” you whimpered as you slid down the kitchen wall, next to the back door.

Bucky kneeled down in front of you and tutted as he watched you.

“I haven’t ruined your life, princess… Not yet,” he said softly as he pulled your head from your hands, looking you in your blood shot eyes. “And I don’t want to. But I will. I’ll do whatever I have to do until you stop fighting this and admit that you’re mine. You can’t go on alone forever. But I can make sure you do until you give in to me. I’m not gonna be your last option, so you keep pushing me and I’m gonna make damn sure I’m your only option. For safety, for protection, for family. For love.”

“You’re threatening me? You said you wouldn’t hurt me,” you reminded him. “Though I guess your words really don’t mean much, do they?”

“I won’t hurt you, baby. Wouldn’t dream of it,” he said patronizingly as he shook his head at you.

“Never said anything about not hurting anyone else, though,” he continued as he leaned his head down to maintain eye contact while you tried to look away. “I’ve done worse for lower stakes.” Your breath froze at that as you took in his words. Did he mean that? Your mind raced to your mom, your sisters, Eva. What would he do to ensure that you didn’t have anyone else to turn to? To make sure that he was the only one that’d be there for you. You didn’t want to think about how dark Bucky was willing to go for you.

“Now, I’m gonna run out of patience pretty soon, sweetheart, and you’re not gonna like what I do once that happens. You’re not gonna like what happens if you make me force this. Because when I say I will do whatever I have to do to make you understand that you’re mine, I mean I will do whatever I have to.” He threatened as he seized and squeezed your jaw once again, eyes dark and menacing, boring into yours.

You felt like a terrified child in his clutch as you grasped his wrist in vain as you tried to ease the pressure and pain, looking at him with what you were sure were pleading eyes as you cried, lip wobbling.

He took pity on you and relaxed his hand, beginning to caress your face instead.

“I really don’t wanna be mean. I don’t want to make you cry, not like this. But you’re forcing my hand, here, doll. I need you. Why can’t you see that? You’re not just hurting yourself in this. You’re hurting both of us. You’re prolonging the inevitable. We could just be together, happily, now. But if you want to do this the hard way, if it really makes you feel so much better to fight it, we can do that, too. We can keep pretending like there are other ways this can play out. But no matter what, it ends with me and you. I’ll always be it for you, and you’ll always be it for me. It’s fated.”

He was right and you knew it. It was always gonna be him. And it did make you feel better to fight it. Like maybe you weren’t actually some depraved masochist if you just tried to resist it, to resist him. Or hell, maybe that resistance that was bringing you so much pain and grief was actually proving the opposite. Why else would you put yourself through this? Why wouldn’t you just let it be easy. Was he really the one playing mind games here, or was it you? Were you in a prison of your own making? Had you done this to yourself?

Destiny rules. He was right. You never really even had a choice in this. Only the illusion of one he presented to you, the illusion you had sold yourself, too. The realization hit you hard that despite what you thought or wanted, despite what you let yourself believe, you never really had a choice in this at all. And maybe that was easier. Not having an option. You didn’t have to think or worry, because it wasn’t up to you. You didn’t have a choice. You couldn’t fight him, you couldn’t fight this.

Or was this just another coping mechanism to help you not feel so terrible about letting it happen? Were you letting it happen? You didn’t know, truly.

Your brain was short circuiting and you let out a yell, more of a scream, of pure frustration and anguish, even stomping your feet and kicking your legs out like you were seven as you pushed Bucky away from you yet again.

“Wanna be alone,” you cried.

“No you don’t,” he said soothingly as he pulled you into him, now sitting cross legged in front of you.

You tried to fight out of his hold, but he was too strong, and his hold only got tighter the more you struggled.

“I hate you,” you cried into his neck.

“No, you don’t,” he maintained, only making you cry harder.

Twenty minutes passed before you were calmed down enough that Bucky let you go when you pulled away from him once again.

“Hate to leave you like this,” he began as he rose to his feet before pulling you back to standing along with him, “But I have some business to take care of tonight, it can’t wait.”

You wiped your eyes as you turned away from him.

“Make sure you lock the door behind me. Here’s the key,” he said as he took it from his pocket and placed it down on the table.

“Don’t they usually come with two?” you questioned irritatedly as you sniffled.

“It did,”

“Where’s the other one,” you asked, though you knew the answer.

He just held up his keys and jingled them at you as you narrowed your eyes at him, shaking your head as you turned back and continued to walk away.

“You have a key. You care so much. Lock it yourself,” you said harshly as you stormed away.

The sound of the back door locking followed by the roar of his bike sent a pang of hurt through you that you couldn’t say you didn’t expect. The longer he was around you, the more it hurt when he left. No matter what preceded his departure.

That familiar feeling of longing returned, along with the same self hatred that followed it.

You needed to get away. And not just from him, you needed to disappear completely. You couldn’t go to Eva, you couldn’t go home. Who knows where Bucky would follow. What he’d do to the people you love if you ran away to them. If you tried to hide from him with them. You couldn’t put them in that kind of position. And you couldn’t tell anyone you were leaving at all. If they knew, that could potentially get them hurt. So no, you couldn’t tell anyone. You just needed to go. You didn’t think much about the practicality of it, you just knew you needed to get the hell out of town. You needed to get away from Bucky and you needed to go now. This was your only option, you knew it was now or never. You weren’t strong enough to resist him any longer. It got harder and harder every time.

You moved quickly, grabbing the empty duffle bag you had in your closet and filling it with whatever you could fit in it. You moved to the bathroom and grabbed your essentials. Maybe you weren’t thinking clearly, but oh well. You knew he was going to be back. He’d never leave you alone. And when he came back… you were ashamed to admit that you knew you wouldn’t have the strength to tell him to go. Actually, you couldn’t keep lying to yourself. It wasn’t that you weren’t strong enough, it was that you knew you just simply wouldn’t want to. Despite everything he’d done and said, the taunts and threats and tumultuous emotions.. In spite of everything, you just wouldn’t.

If he had you in his grasp again, it’d be game over. You were surprised you hadn’t lost earlier, shocked you were able to keep evading this.. Like he said, it was inevitable. But that didn’t mean you couldn’t keep trying while you were still able to. However long that’d be now.

Grabbing your duffle and the random tote bags you had packed full, you headed straight to the front door. Snatching your keys, phone, and your purse, you rushed out to your car and took off, barely slowing down to remind yourself to buckle your seatbelt in your frenzy. Your bags were thrown haphazardly on the back seat and you didn’t really know where you were headed. It’s not like you had a destination in mind, and you certainly didn’t have any savings that you could rely on to fuel your impromptu road trip. You didn’t know what the fuck you were doing and the bright orange dot glowing on your dash alerted you to the fact that you were also low on gas. You were completely unprepared for a getaway and you felt stupider and stupider for even trying with each second that passed. You cursed as you tried to collect yourself and headed to the nearest gas station to fill up your tank so you could at least get out of town without further worry.

But as fate would have it, and of fucking course it would, you weren’t going to be able to get away that easily. Not from this town. Not from James “Bucky” Barnes. Your soulmate. Your fated love.. Or his stupid fucking friends. Eva was right, these god damn bikers were everywhere - even when you were too preoccupied to take notice of them.

[vikkirosko]

Hi, hope you're having a great day/night!

I saw that your request were open again and I couldn't help myself ^^!!! (This contains 4bus3 mentions, please do not keep reading if you're not comfortable) So... What about some platonic Alastor, Angel Dust, Charlie and Blitzø (from Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss) with a fem!reader that has very bad trust issues (but they somehow managed to gain her trust enough to her looking at them like a friend or a parental figure). And one day they come to the hotel/work just so tired and stressed out that when the reader approaches them asking them if they were okay and if they needed help with something they can help but snap at her and yell at her/throw something her way and now the reader is terrified, crying while shaking because now she thinks they're going to hurt her like her family did when alive.

You can ignore this if the topic is triggering.

Platonic headcanons Trust issues

🌈 Charlie Morningstar x fem!Reader 🎶

Charlie has always tried to treat you with care and support. She knew that you had trust issues, so she always tried to treat you with affection and care. She spent a lot of time trying to gain your trust and she didn't want to destroy your trust, but sometimes there were days when it was too hard for her to keep smiling

When Charlie came to the hotel she was exhausted. She tried to find new guests at her hotel, but received only rudeness and neglect. It wasn't the first time, but today she was exhausted. When she returned to the hotel, she just wanted to go to her room and be alone with herself, but she didn't have time to do it, because you approached her and asked if everything was okay. Charlie couldn't find the strength to smile again. She yelled at you, unable to control her emotions

When she stopped talking, she realized what she had done. You were standing in front of her, cowering, and tears were streaming down your face. You were terrified. Charlie tried to talk to you and apologize to you, but you ran away in your room. She understood the reason for this. She knew that when you were alive, your family was constantly hurting you. It is because of this that you have problems with trust and with her breakdown she destroyed your trust in her

Charlie knew it was her fault. She blamed herself for yelling at you and she wanted to apologize, but she understood that you weren't ready to listen to her right now. You were scared and Charlie didn't blame you for that. She decided to wait and when you're not so scared to apologize to you. She understood that with words alone she would not be able to regain your trust, but she was ready to do everything gradually so that you would believe her again

🕷 Angel Dust x fem!Reader 💖

There have always been ups and downs in Angel's life. He always tried to hide his bad mood behind jokes. He especially tried to hide it from you. You were his friend and he knew how hard it was for you to trust people. He spent a lot of time getting you to start trusting him and he enjoyed spending time with you. Next to you, he felt calm and relaxed. Sometimes you even reminded him of his sister. He has always treated you with care and attention, without destroying your trust

He tried not to show you his bad mood, but when he returned to the hotel after meeting with Valentino, he was in a terrible mood. He was angry and all he wanted to do was go to his room and be alone with himself. But he didn't have time to go to his room because you came up to him to find out if everything was okay. You saw that he was not in the best mood and you wanted to help him, but it turned out completely different from what you thought

He yelled at you, annoyed at absolutely everything, not paying attention to the words. His nerves were on edge, but when he finished shouting, he realized what he had done. You were standing in horror, tears were streaming down your cheeks and you were trembling. You ran to your room before he could say a word

He was angry with himself, because he understood that he was guilty in front of you. He knew how fragile your trust was and with his outburst of anger he destroyed that trust. He understood that it would take time for you to believe him again. This time he will need much more time for you to stop being afraid of him and believe him again, but he sincerely wanted to return your friendship no matter what

📻 Alastor x fem!Reader 🎙

Alastor is used to being friendly and welcoming towards others. Even though he was cruel, he still continued to smile. It was his smile and lack of constant cruelty that allowed you to start trusting him. You had serious trust issues because your family mistreated you when you were alive and even after death it was hard for you to trust people

There was little that could bring Alastor out of his mental balance, but another provocation from Vox made him very angry. When he came to the hotel, he was annoyed and few people would have dared to approach him, but you, sincerely worried about him, still came up, wanting to know if everything was all right with him. But your question was the last straw. He didn't scream, but his tone was threatening enough to make you feel the real horror

He realized what he had done when he heard you crying. You were trembling with terror and crying, unable to utter a word. He knew it was entirely his fault. He knew he shouldn't have taken his anger out on you. You ran to your room and locked yourself in there, not giving Alastor a chance to apologize

Alastor was willing to do a lot to make you forgive him. He understood that you would not forgive him so easily, but he hoped that he would still be able to achieve your forgiveness. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt you and scare you

😈 Blitzø x fem!Reader 🐴

Blitzø got used to having you around. You were his friend and you worked together. He and the rest of your colleagues were the only ones you could trust. Your family has always been cruel to you, so it was difficult for you to trust people, but Blitzø was able to earn your trust and help you get along with others

He always tried to smile and support you, but when he came to the office early in the morning he was in a bad mood. He assumed no one would be there, but you were there. You came to the office earlier and wanted to work a little, but when you saw your friend, you asked if everything was okay. You were surprised to see him so early, but you didn't hear an answer from him

He shouted at you and even threw a mug at you standing on the table. When he calmed down, he saw something that scared him. You cried and trembled, being terrified of him. You ran away without giving him a word to say. When Blitzø realized this, he realized how much he had screwed up

He called you and texted you many times, but never received a response. He understood that he was guilty in front of you and he was going to correct his mistake. He was going to come to you after work and try to apologize to you. He knew how fragile your trust was, but he intended to return it no matter what

[dragonfly0808]

Stella: The Thesis

If you’ve read my Fate rant, you know I’ve got a lot of feelings about Stella, so here we go.

Again SPOILERS IF YOU’RE NOT UP TO DATE WITH THE REWRITE, like at least up til Chapter 38 of Season 3

Also, TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of Eating Disorders

First Things First

The first words in my character sheet to summarize her character in the OG are: Spectacular Diva who doesn’t always think before talking.

I think we can all agree that a big point Stella’s character was to combat the mean blonde girl stereotype without making her a tomboy. Letting her love sparkle and be dramatic without being mean. The only times that Stella is mean are when her brain-to-mouth filter fail and she always makes up for it.

I always loved Stella’s character, especially post season 3, and I was very specific about what I wanted to do with her character. Making her a little more mature without taking away any of her Stella charm.

Stella is a perfect character for a ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality and to hide any insecurity behind a kind of ‘armor’. Fashion is Stella’s armor if that makes sense, and she is probably the most insecure in the group, even if she’s been working on it since even before the rewrite begins.

My very first major change is to change the reason she took a sabbatical year. Instead of blowing up a lab carelessly and her dad having to make a ‘generous donation’ to get her back into Alfea, Stella choses to take a year off to work on her mental health and her ED.

So, I chose for her to suffer from Anorexia as a response to 1) a need for validation from her mom, who has a bad habit of commenting on her body, 2) incredible stress from her parents fighting all the time and 3) the pressure of being a future queen affecting her a lot.

We only really see Stella post-healing from her ED, but we still get to see her not taking care of herself as much as she should when very stressed or very emotional, and the group (especially Sky, Brandon, Tecna and Bloom) tend to keep an eye on her to make sure she’s eating properly.

Stella’s at her core, a very caring person. Someone once commented that, while Bloom will be the one to lead the girls in battle, once it’s all over, Stella is the one they look to and the one to take care of all the girls and I feel like that’s a perfect summary of who Stella is as a friend.

Stella feels a lot of responsability towards the girls, both because she’s the oldest and because she just loves them with all her heart and would do anything for them.

We often see her trying to take care of her own emotions on her own or even shoving her feelings down in order to comfort the other girls. (Not talking to Brandon because she doesn’t want him to worry about her, getting her emotions/powers under control to comfort Aisha, etc)

Even though she’s an only child, Stella is very much an older sister. She jokes and teases and is just a little annoying because its fun to her, but the second things get serious, she’s the one they look to for comfort or for a safe place. The first time we see this is in Season 1 when Flora has a breakdown, the other girls freeze because they’ve never seen Flora like this and they’re not sure what to do, Stella instantly takes over, gets her into comfy pijamas, tells the teachers they’ll take the day off and makes the decision to call in someone else to give Flora what she needs at the moment. Like Musa says, ‘Flora is so mature sometimes I forget Stella’s the oldest.’

Another way we see that her caring is her main trait is her dedication to be a good future queen.

Stella is incredibly close with her personal guards Sua and Lola, sees them as mother figures and she knows the names of almost the entire castle personal. She takes as many courses as she can and is not ashamed to ask for extra classes with subjects like Economy so that when her time comes, she can be the queen that Solaria deserves.

This comes into play with her Enchantix, she dies protecting her dad, protecting Chimera even though at the moment Chimera is trying to steal her place, protecting two guards.

We truly see who Stella is with the entire Chimera situation in s3, she knows what it’s like to be 15 and insecure and kinda hate yourself. And she knows what it’s like to feel like she’s alone. So she gives Chimera what her friends once gave to her. Hope, warmth and a chance to remake herself.

Stella takes Chimera in as her little sister even after everything. Because she understands and she cannot not care about her.

Stella’s main trait, that never changes is that she is caring and she will do anything for the people she loves.

Thoughts Behind Main Relationships

Bloom: Bloom is Stella’s person. Like I’ve mentioned, they have a very Taylor Swift, invisible string kind of friendship. They were always meant to be friends.

To Stella, Bloom is part of her very soul, her very being. If Stella is the sun then Bloom is the moon, the two are connected in a way that neither can quite describe.

To Stella, Bloom is safety, she can be vulnerable and weak and just show herself with Bloom and she knows that if she breaks, Bloom will be there to help pull her back together or to be strong for the both of them.

That’s something that Stella has never truly allowed herself to feel before, even with her closest friends. Bloom is the one that she trusts to put her back together if she ever breaks. Because she’d do the same for her.

Brandon: Brandon and Stella have known each other for two years before season 1 and from the moment they met they were drawn to each other.

Brandon somehow saw right through Stella’s facade of confidence that she wore back in the day, and he was intrigued by who she really was. She was a bit intimidated by this but was also intrigued.

It took them a long time to admit their feelings but they have a relationship founded in friendship, softness and trust. They’ve seen each other at rock bottom, they know that they’ll stay no matter what. They feel safe with each other.

Brandon thinks Stella is beautiful of course, but that is not why he fell in love with her, it was pretty much everything else. And Stella didn’t fall for him for his looks either, she fell for the boy who’s a family man and takes care of his four younger sisters and who never hesitated to help Sky and who is just a protector at his core and who always believed in her.

Their love is, ‘I’ve seen you at your worst, I’ve seen what you hide from the world, I know exactly who you are and I am so in love with every aspect and shade of you that I don’t know how I could ever not love you. I know that you’re insecure deep down and I understand that and there is such comfort in how knowing we are of each other that somehow, after a life-time of being terrified to be vulnerable, being weak with you is easier than it should be and all fear goes away when you hold me.’

Sky: Sky and Stella have known each other since birth. They’ve been best friends since they were less than two years old and have always had each other’s back.

One of the major changes I made to season 1 was having Stella know about the switcharoo between Sky and Brandon, mostly because, since she’s known Sky her whole life, they couldn’t really keep it a secret from her.

This formed a dynamic for the trio and made them the closest subunit in season 1 since they’ve known each other the longest.

Stella and Sky are two kids who bonded as kids but continued to deepen their bond as they both realized the weight on their shoulders due to being the future rulers of their respective planets.

These two are definetely siblings. They both had somewhat strict mothers so when together, they love to get to just be goofy teenagers. Their friendship is one of ‘We both have so much to do and a lot of weight on our shoulders but when we’re together we can let go and try to trip each other into a fountain for the fun of it and stick out our tongues just because we can and I know you’d never get mad at me over something like that. But you know that if you even need anything I will be right here and nothing will stop me from helping you.’

Who is Stella in this Rewrite?

Stella is someone who is learning to love herself and come into her own. To accept her insecurities and learn from them.

She is the kind of person who is goofy and has so much personality that you can’t help but just notice when they walk into the room. She is always making people laugh, but the second that things go dire, she is the first to jump to protect her friends. Once the battle is over, she’ll be the first to comfort the others.

Stella is a complex young woman. Who has immense passion and love and care within her and who uses all of that in every single relationship that she has. She pours her love into her studies to be a good queen someday.

She is a woman who has gone through hating herself to starting to truly realize that she is allowed to be proud of herself and even admire who she has become in the face of adversity.

Stella is someone who’s caring at her very core and who shows that care in everything that she does.

Stella is a girl filled to the brim with personality and care and strength. And it shows in everything that she does.

———————

Masterlist

Stella Moodboard

Stella’s Instagram

Bloom and Stella Moodboard

Stella and Brandon Moodboard

Stella and Sky Moodboard

Please comment on this one cause I had a bit of a tough time wording what I wanted to say this time around (that’s why this one took so long) so I’d love to know your thoughts!

[im-not-samantha-im-samanta]

~Dr. Facilier x Insecure!Reader~

___________________________________________

A few words from author: Hi there, friends! Welcome to my first Disney villains fanfic! ^^

It took me a while to figure out an Oneshot idea for some Disney villain, but thanks to recent occurrences, inspiration was granted to me ^^".

Writing this I realized I struggle with writing emotions as I actually have tough time knowing what I'm feeling in real life, but I really hope that I wrote what the Reader feels well enough ^^".

-

Settings: Romantic focused

Genre: Hurt/Comfort kinda thing with eventual fluff

!TRIGGER WARNING!: Talks of self image issues, mentions of obsessing over one's weight, mentions of toxic relatives, description of emotional breakdowns, feelings of insecurity, feeling negatively about oneself, light mentions of self loathing,

Sidenote: Body type of reader is not specified as I wanted this to be for everyone! Btw, no matter your body type, you're all gorgeous and do not let anyone tell you otherwise!!! <3

Sidenote: This was my very first time writing Facilier so, I hope I wrote him well enough ;~;

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Anyways, that should be all! Hope y'all will enjoy reading this!

See ya next time, bunny-boos! <3

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Words hold a great power, and people don't seem to realize that - or well, they, at least, don't seem to care much.

But that's just what comes in natural to people, what they are taught throughout their lives.

Because, after all, their actions are rarely ever met with any sort of consequences - or well, consequences that would concern them, that is - so, why should they care?

And while it's true that there sure are people who do care or see that their words can affect others, it's only because it is them who have faced the consequences of other people not caring what leaves their mouth.

Yes, sad and unfair for sure, but that's just how it works - you yourself knew that well enough first-hand. And as if that wasn't enough of a lesson, life also liked to often remind you this simple fact and make sure you don't ever forget...

This time the reminder came in the form of an encounter with your family relatives.

Your relationship with your relatives was never the best, you just didn't get along very well as these people were definitely amongst those who liked to leave whatever out of their mouths without a care, and usually it was you who ended up being on the receiving end...

And so, understandably, you made sure to avoid meeting up with these relatives as much as possible, but unfortunately, sometimes it had to happen because amongst these kinds of relatives were your great grandma and grandpa who weren't such shitty people - it was still a mystery to you how these two could be related to the rest when they were the polar opposite.

You sure were lucky to have at least these two, but it was also really unfortunate, because this meant that you had to visit for birthday celebrations and such, which obviously meant interaction with the rest of the relatives...

And though there was always the option to skip and come to your great grandparents sometime else, it didn't feel right to do so, and not to mention that you skipped all kinds of celebrations with your relatives last year, and also the year before last year...

And so, this time you just had show up whether you liked it or not, even if just for an hour or two...

And you sure did stay for just about an hour and a half before you left the celebration and headed home, but your relatives managed to open up old wounds even withing such short time... 

You tried to not let their remarks get to you, of course, and for a few days after the nasty reunion you were fine, but now you were no longer fine and your humble little bedroom was filled with the sound of cries that echoed and chased one after the other from one wall of your room right to the other.

Said bedroom was a complete, utter mess, mirroring how you were feeling on the inside just perfect.

All of your clothes were laying tossed on the ground, a good amount of them being torn to shreds and no longer able to hold the shape they were made for, and you yourself wore nothing but your underwear as you sat in all that mess while facing the now broken mirror you slammed to the floor in a fit of rage and devastation just a few moment ago.

You tried, you really tried to not let your relatives' hurtful comments get to you - you hated that you let them plague your mind like that - and you really were fine when you went to prepare yourself for your afternoon date with your dearest voodoo man. 

But it took just one look into the mirror for you to fall apart, because suddenly you started to see all the flaws your relatives have pointed out - suddenly you wondered if you really have gained weight, if your behind grew larger, if your stomach was fatter, if your face got chubbier...

And before you even knew it, you found yourself tossing all of your clothes out of your closet, and forcefully trying on piece after piece before franically checking yourself in the mirror to see if your relatives' words held any truth in them.

But when you found that the toxicity of your relatives has completely messed up your mind's perception and you couldn't really tell if something about you has changed or if you've always looked like that, you slipped and your consciousness fell into the darkest pits of your mind where only the worst kind of emotions took ahold of you.

And blinded by all of the rage, hopelessness, frustration and fear, you lost control and a rampage began.

You found yourself shoving to the ground the long mirror that provided you with your messed up reflection - the reflection you couldn't stand no more - and you found yourself tearing apart the clothes that used to make you feel confident and gorgeous.

It was a heartbreaking sight to witness, but what was the most saddening wasn't what happened in the heath of the moment - it was what followed right after.

It was the moment that was already mentioned and was happening now - the moment of you sitting on the cold ground between all your messed up pieces of wardrobe and your shattered mirror while you lifelessly stared in front of you, tears streaming down your face and your cries filling up the empty silence of your bedroom.

After your outburst you have seemingly calmed down, but you weren't feeling better one bit. You felt pretty much the same, you just weren't filled with way too many emotions to handle and instead you felt empty and lifeless, unable to do anything more than just sit there and cry.

And as you sat there, sniffling, it felt as if the clock's stopped ticking and you were stuck in time.

Your mind felt empty, you had no idea what to think and you weren't even sure what you felt anymore or if you felt anything at all.

All you knew was that you felt how your cold tears ticked your face and you also felt heavy weight in your chest that could be only described as your heart turning to stone and pulling your chest down with an incredible weight to the point it hurt and you couldn't breathe...

Suddenly though, when you felt like it was gonna get worse, the doorbell at your front door rang and you were brought back to the present. 

And as the repetitive melody of your doorbell had you perk up, the fog in your mind has lifted and you were reminded of what you've been doing in the first place - you were getting ready for a date with your favourite shadow man, who apparently was already here.

This realization had you scramble up to your feet and quickly grab something oversized to put on, just so that you wouldn't be coming to open the front door only in your underwear.

"Coming!" You called as you hurried towards the main entrance of your humble house, and it wasn't until you finally opened the front door that the reality of the situation truly hit you - Facilier was here to take you out on a date, and you were far from prepared and far from being in the mood for going out.

"Facilier," You breathed out when you saw the voodoo man standing at your doorstep, and you felt your heavy heart ache because when your eyes met, you could see it in his eyes how excited he was to see you today.

"Ah, darling!" Facilier chimed with a wide grin as he straightened up before he tipped his hat and resting his hat over hit heart, he added in a smooth voice: "How lovely it is to see you on this very day!".

And before you could even get yourself to react - let alone have the heart to ruin your date's jolly mood - the shadow man shoved one of his lanky hands into the sleeve of his attire and then magically pulled out a small but beautiful rose with petals of vivid red.

"A little something for ma chérie/mon chéri." he murmured as he reached out to you, intending to hand you the rose (which you've noticed didn't have even one thorn).

Normally such gesture would've gotten you breaking into a bright big smile and it'd have your breath stolen, but this time a mere twitch of your lips' corners trying to curl upwards was all you could offer, and you felt awful about it...

"Faci," a soft sigh left your lips as you carefully took the rose from Facilier's hand and your tired gaze met the voodoo man's lively one as you lowly went on: "you didn't have to... really...".

And as you looked at the rose in your hand, the heavy and tight feeling in your chest grew worse because God, Facilier was so excited about your date and you were about to ruin everything just because you let yourself get affected by words of people who were so below you and didn't even have a place in your personal life.

You felt so stupid about it, and you felt like a horrible partner too... And the more you thought about it, the more cruel and toxic your thoughts became, to the point you had to close your eyes to collect yourself and fight your tears.

Your unusual behaviour didn't go unnoticed by Facilier, of course, nor did the fact you looked like an utter mess (he still found you gorgeous though). The whole time he said nothing though as he waited for you to confess what was wrong, but when it was obvious you weren't gonna tell him, and that what was bothering you was very serious, the shadow man finally spoke up.

"Chère/Cher..." He cooed gently as his blissed expression slowly melted away and the bright smile he wore the entire time turned more gentle and lost the charlatan nature it normally had, and his sparkling purple eyes - those gorgeous eyes of his that always had wickedness and mystery sparkling in them - filled with genuine concern.

"what is the matter?" he asked you quietly as his warm hands took ahold of your hand that was carefully gripping the rose he's given you.

But when his question and gesture were met with you taking in a shaky breath and facing away, Facilier moved one of his hands to cup your face and use his thumb to wipe away the tears you hadn't even realized started rolling down your face.

"Darling," The shadow man murmured barely above whisper - as if afraid that speaking louder would shatter you -, then he gently turned your face to get you look at him. "what happened? I promise you that whatever it is, I'll fix it.".

This time you did turn to look at Facilier, your tear-filled eyes meeting the concerned ones of the voodoo doctor. And you opened your mouth to try and explain yourself, but the only thing that came out was a low hiccup as you attempted to bring yourself to speak: "I- I-".

And when your attempts to explain yourself failed, you felt yourself sigh shakily before you muttered a low: "I'm sorry,".

At first you weren't even sure what were you apologizing for, was it the fact you ruined your date? Was it the fact you couldn't bring yourself to tell your lover the cause of your sorrows? Was it that you felt like a horrible partner?

But then you realized that it was probably all of the above - you were apologizing for everything.

"I'm- I'm so sorry..." You repeated as your gaze fell to the ground and you felt your throat closing up with a sob getting caught in it.

"I ruined your mood and- and our date." You continued, not giving your lover the opportunity to say anything.

"And I can't even come up with how to- how to tell you what's bothering me- I'm such a bad partner!" You wailed while hiccuping and struggling to hold your sobs in.

But Facilier didn't seem to agree as his eyes widened before he shook his head.

"What?" He said in disbelief, then clicked his tongue disapprovingly before he went on. "No, no, what are you saying chérie/chéri?" He whispered with voice sweet as honey as he leaned down to you, his hand on your face tugging your face up to look him in the eyes again.

"Why would you even think to say such words?" He asked you with his voice sounding heartbroken and when you finally looked up into Facilier's eyes, you could see that he wasn't angry with you one bit like you've expected for him to be - the only thing you could read from his face was that he was worried for you and that his heart might shatter at what you just said about yourself.

And that realization had you feel worse and you felt your lower lip quivering as you so desperately tried to not fall apart at the very moment, because this man loved you so much and treated you with nothing but kindness... And you? You couldn't even get yourself to go on a simple date with him to make him happy... God, did you even deserve Facilier at all?

"I'm - I'm sorry..." You forced out again, but before you could add anything more, Facilier shushed you.

"No, no, no more of that." He shook his head and cupped your face with his other hand as well before he added: "Chère/Cher, my sweetest, my world, mon coeur - you did nothing wrong!".

"But you gotta tell me what's the reason behind those tears, alright?" He requested as he held your face in his warm hands, getting you to look him in the eyes that were nearly full of desperation to get an answer out of you, assuring you of how deeply the voodoo doctor cared for you.

You said nothing at first, but you did not your head and hummed in agreement as you tried to gather yourself and stop your weeping, knowing how much it hurt your lover to see you like that.

Then, with a deep inhale, you answered: "I- I think I might've gained weight...", and saying it out loud, in front of Facilier, you couldn't help but feel your face heat up in an ashamed and embarrassed manner.

You felt quite sheepish starting this topic with the shadow man and only now that you've said it, you began to feel like crying over such thing was embarrassing... After all, who would have an emotional breakdown over gaining some weight...?

And that got you worried because you had no idea what Facilier would say on that matter... Would he agree? Would he laugh at you? Or would he simply wave his hand and scoff? There were so many possible reactions...

But the reaction you didn't expect at all was the one you got.

"Oh, darling..." He cooed, and he allowed one of his hands to run through your hair. "that assumption couldn't be further from the truth, but even if that were the case, nothing so insignificant could change my love for you.".

A kiss is then planted onto your forehead, gaining a tiny smile from you.

And Facilier then continued: "There's nothing wrong with not being exactly like pin-up girl. Besides, your body - no matter the size - does not define your worth as a person, as a human being."

"I love you for you, and you losing or gaining a few pounds isn't gonna change that. Not now, not ever." He smiled sweetly while his thumb stroked your tear-stained face, slowly soothing your troubled mind.

You slowly began to feel better with each new reassuring word coming from the voodoo man's lips, you didn't say anything, you didn't need to.

You just smiled softly as your tears began to disappear and you listened to the smooth voice of your lover talk your worries away - he really knew how to use his words just to get what he desired.

And after your mind was at ease, and your sobs died down, you both stared at each other in comfortable silence, both your gazes holding great fondness for the other.

Eventually, after a few passing moments, Facilier spoke up again: "Are you feeling any better, Mon Coeur?".

"Yes, much better," You nodded with a smile as your eyes sparkled with content, and you gave one last short sniffle. "thank you, Facilier.".

"Anytime, Chère/Cher..." Facilier smiled happily before he planted another gentle kiss onto your forehead.

"But I've got one last question," He then said and his expression went serious for a little moment.

"Yes? What is it?" You asked and rested your hand on top of Facilier's hand that was still cupping your face, urging him to follow through with his question as you gazed at him curiously.

"Who was it that planted those awful thoughts into that mind of yours, hm? I know that it didn't come from your head." He stated lowly, making you suddenly grow nervous since you were very well aware of what the shadow man was like when someone's done you dirty.

"Oh... Well... Y-you know how I was at that family celebration kind of thing...?" You said nervously and forced out a chuckle as if to try and make the situation seem light-hearted just so it wouldn't have your lover planning some sort of revenge in your honour.

"Ah, so your family's to blame... I thought so..." Facilier hummed and you could nearly see the gears turning in the shadow man's head, making you perk up warily: "Faci...".

"Well, I think we shouldn't leave such nasty deeds unpunished..." He mused, ignoring your wary voice that had him know you were already onto him, and the grin spreading across his face was enough for you to know your suspicions of him plotting something were true.

"Faci, no." You warned, but it was also a plea at the same time since Facilier's punishments for people that wronged you or him could range from almost-harmless pranks to straight up murder attempts...

"I already have an idea for what we can do for what they did." He said with a pleased expression and he conjoined his fingers as his evil grin only grew to the point the shadow man's usual charm fleed, granting the man's evilness more space.

And at this point you grew a bit frightened - but not because you feared Facilier would do something to you when he was grinning like that, no, never that - you were frightened because of what the man would do to your relatives.

"Faci, come on, it was not that serious." You pleaded and tried to persuade your lover to let it go just for your relatives' sake, even if a part of you secretly believed they did deserve for something bad to happen to them.

But Facilier's already made up his mind, and so, your weak attempts to save your relatives' sorry asses did you really no good.

"Sorry, love, but nobody gets to get away with making you think you're anything else than perfect" The voodoo man stated in a smooth voice as he slyly snaked his arms around your waist and pulled you closer.

"But what about our date?" You chimed in with this question as your last resort to make him let go of getting payback, gripping the front of Facilier's shirt as he held you pressed against himself.

"Oh!" Facilier perked up suddenly, his eyes widening as he said: "you're absolutely right, ma chérie/mon chéri!".

And for a split second you felt relieved, thinking you've succeeded.

But that was until his next words: "First the date, then payback time!".

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[these-written-reveries]

might be too angsty but can you write a ledger!joker x reader with a reader who self harms? either catching them in the middle of the act or seeing the scars they were trying to keep hidden?

Hello! First of all, thank you for your request! I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to write this at first, particularly because it's such a sensitive subject. The last thing I'd ever want is to upset or cause emotional harm to those who may be struggling with this themselves. That said, I want my writings to be a source of good and bring solace to those that are in need of it, so I decided to try my best and write it anyway.

I chose to keep things vague and without too much detail to help minimize the triggering aspects of this subject. Please use your own discretion when choosing whether to proceed with reading and let me know if there is anything wrong with this piece that I should fix. I hope this fulfills your wishes, nonnie. Sending all my love to you and anyone else who may be struggling with this. I strongly encourage you to seek the help/support that you deserve ❤️

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-Try-

‣ Pairing: Ledger!Joker/Jack Napier x GN!Reader

‣ Summary: J finally comes face-to-face with the pain you've been carrying alone all this time and tries to help you bear the weight of it.

‣ Genre: angst, hurt/comfort

‣ Warnings: self-harm (no details mentioned of the act/object used), blood (minor references), scars/fresh wounds (no details), panic, breakdown/crying.

‣ Word Count: 2,226

‣ Have an idea for a fic you’d like me to write? Send a request here. But first, make sure to read my Request Info!

L!Joker/Jack Napier Masterlist

Main Masterlist

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It was just past midnight when J unlocked your apartment door and slipped inside. He was dressed in a casual outfit consisting of a black hoodie and jeans, the hood pulled up over his head and a surgical mask covering the lower half of his face. After locking the door behind him, he dropped the hood and pulled the mask off, shoving it into the pocket of his hoodie as he walked further into your apartment.

“Where’s my little dove?” he called out, announcing his presence so as not to frighten you.

It was becoming more of a frequent habit for Jack to come over to your place, especially to sleep. He’d usually let you know when he’d be coming through call or text, but today he hadn’t the time. In fact, he wasn’t planning on coming over at all today. But after the nonsense he’d been dealing with recently regarding work, he wanted nothing more than to pay a visit to his love to set his frazzled mind back in order. At this point, you were pretty used to him showing up at odd hours of the night to visit you, so he figured it wouldn’t be a problem if he stopped by tonight. You were always complaining about not seeing him enough anyway.

While your romantic relationship was still somewhat new, you’d known each other for quite a while by now. He’d spent months trying to woo you, which proved to be a bigger challenge than he had initially expected. Jack knew he wasn’t the most desirable man in the world, but he could tell that wasn’t the only thing holding you back from accepting his affections right away. There was more to you than met the eye, and he was determined to know all the complexities of you.

Jack had no problem taking his time with you. You seemed to appreciate this, so he allowed you to set the pace of your relationship. You hadn’t expected Jack to be so patient with you, yet he was, exceedingly so. He didn’t pressure you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with, and he didn’t judge you for your “odd” tendencies. As J saw it, he was more than a bit odd himself, so who was he to judge? In taking your time to build your relationship together, he’d learned a lot about the little intricacies of who you were, but there was a hidden part of you he had yet to become acquainted with. A mystery he could never seem to solve, until today.

Knocking lightly on your bedroom door, he found it to be unlocked and quietly turned the handle. You hadn’t responded to his previous call, so he figured you were asleep. His assumptions were found to be correct when he spotted you curled up on your bed wearing one of his long-sleeved button-down shirts and a pair of underwear. He took a moment to appreciate the sight of you before walking over to the other side of the bed. There you lied, facing the empty spot where he normally slept, the lamp you left on providing the perfect amount of light for him to admire your beautiful features. Though, the smile that began to tug at his lips upon seeing your face quickly faded as he noticed the puffiness of your eyes and tear stains on the pillow you were lying on.

Letting out a quiet sigh, he removed his shoes and hoodie and left them on the floor beside the bed before carefully climbing onto the mattress. Successfully managing to lie down beside you without waking you, he silently observed your face. Seeing you upset or hurt elicited the worst feelings in him. The emotion that manifested most frequently in him was anger. But the feelings he felt in moments like these were much more complex than that; so complex he couldn’t fully make sense of them. All he knew was that it made his chest ache and his stomach twist in a way that made him feel sick.

Deciding to take the risk of waking you, he gently brushed his knuckles against your cheek, his painted lips curling up into a fond smile as you subconsciously nuzzled against his fingers before going still once more. He continued, moving his hand down to trail his fingertips over your shoulder all the way to your fingertips. He glanced down at your other arm, that which lied between the two of you with your hand tucked under the pillow that supported your head. His fingers traveled to this arm, about to continue their journey when they suddenly froze in place at the familiar sight of crimson. Upon second glance, Jack immediately recognized this to be exactly what he thought it was. At first, he considered it to be an old stain—it was his shirt, after all, but it was too fresh for that to be the case.

Alarms began going off in his head as he went through all the possible scenarios of how you could have been hurt. It wasn’t uncommon to experience physical attacks in the dangerous city of Gotham—even more likely if anyone were to find out about your relationship with the infamous Joker. This is why J taught you how to physically protect yourself and gave you self-defense weapons to keep with you in case anything were to happen. He was also very careful when it came to keeping your relationship hidden from the rest of the world. Along with these things, he took a handful of other measures to keep you safe, making sure to cover all the bases. His biggest fear was you getting hurt, or worse, and him being unable to stop it. He’d do anything to shield you from any potential threats or harm that could ever come your way.

Yet, he’d never once considered self-inflicted harm to be such a substantial threat to his lover…

As he carefully pulled back the red-stained sleeve, his heart sank. He remained still as he stared at the scars and fresh wounds that covered your skin. At this point, you had awoken and immediately felt an impending sense of doom begin to fill your being at the sight of Jack looking directly at what you had tried to keep hidden from him for so long. You yanked your arm away and quickly sat up, pulling the sleeves back over your arms and hiding the rest of your body with the covers. Tears filled your eyes and panic manifested within your chest as an inability to breathe, the racing thoughts in your mind causing you to spiral even faster.

“I’m sorry,” your voice cracked as you uttered the words at barely above a whisper. You were trembling now, squeezing your eyes closed as your mind fed you every worst-case scenario in the book.

Silence.

Oh, how you hated to hear it.

It only provided your mind with more room to insert its own terrible thoughts and ideas about what J was thinking of you.

Unable to open your eyes, yet unable to stand the silence any longer, you spoke again. “Please…say something. If you’re mad or whatever, just say-”

“No.” His sudden interruption startled you, but you were still relieved to hear something come out of his mouth.

“Look at me,” he spoke firmly, but there was something else to the tone of his voice that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. You were too afraid to open your eyes for fear that you'd see nothing but disgust and disappointment staring right back at you.

You felt the mattress shift beneath you as J moved closer to you. A tear fell from your eyes that was swiped away by the pad of his thumb before your chin was gently grasped between his thumb and forefinger, tilting your head up slightly. This time, you bravely opened your eyes to look at your love before you. Instantly, you were met with a strange look in his eyes. Different than any look he’d ever given you before. One filled with so much love, yet carried with it a lingering sadness. This look alone pierced your heart and made it even harder not to crumble to bits into his lap.

“I’m not mad at you. Ya got that?”

The truth is, he was mad at himself. Particularly for not recognizing sooner. He was so observant when it came to you and yet he had completely missed this. It made his stomach turn to think that you had been struggling alone this whole time, unbeknownst to him.

Now everything made sense. All the “odd” tendencies you exhibited on a frequent basis. The way you avoided certain intimate interactions with him. He always thought you just didn't like to be touched that much, so he used his touch sparingly with you and only in ways he knew you were comfortable with. The way you remained so covered up, even when it was blazing hot. In his mind, he assumed you were just insecure about your body and after bringing it up once and seeing you shut down in response, he chose not to press on the subject again until you were ready to talk about it. So many things he could now link directly back to this. How stupid he felt for not being able to piece it together sooner. He could’ve been there for you this whole time and he wasn’t.

But as he looked at you now, your lip quivering as you nodded in response to him, he realized that what really mattered was being there for you now.

“Alright. C’mere.” He held his arms out and you blinked at him, unmoving.

"Do ya want a hug or not? Hm?"

Upon hearing this, you wasted no further time diving into his embrace. He pulled you close, one hand cradling the back of your head and the other wound securely around your waist. You finally burst into tears and clung to him tightly, making his attempt to move the two of you into a better position much more of a struggle, but he managed.

"Hush-ush-ush, it's okay, doll. I got ya,” he cooed softly at you.

He was ever so careful now with where his fingers touched you, choosing to keep them stationed at your back where they gently ran up and down your spine. This soothing touch paired with the sound of him shushing you softly between pressing kisses to your head was enough to calm you down much faster than you normally would have on your own. Now your sobs had dwindled down to mere sniffles and your tears were slowing their pace.

Recognizing this, Jack finally decided to speak again.

"Ya know, I'm always here for you, doll. You might think this changes how I feel about you, but it doesn't. Not one bit."

He could feel your body shake with quiet sobs in response to his words, his shirt being further soaked with your salty tears. He squeezed you a bit tighter.

"Will you let me help you? I'm not sayin' I have all the answers or that it'll be easy, ‘cause it won't. But we're in this together now, toots. I'll do whatever it takes to get ya through this. I mean it."

You were silent for a moment before you looked up at him and hesitantly nodded. The vulnerable look on your face was enough to break what was left of your clown’s heart as his eyes begin to sting slightly. He clenched his jaw to hold back his tears and pressed his lips to your forehead before pulling you closer against him. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he continued to speak.

"We'll figure it out together, hm? Ya got me now. So you better come to me when you're feeling like doing it again. Doesn’t matter what I'm doing. Ya know I’ll drop everything for you."

"It's…hard for me to do that in the moment,” you confessed quietly. J nodded in understanding and gave you another small squeeze of reassurance.

"Try your best, doll. That's all I'm askin’. I don't expect ya not to slip up from time to time. I'll still be here when you do. But ya gotta help me help you. Alright?"

"Mhm…” You nodded in agreement.

"That's my doll." He kissed the top of your head, leaving traces of face paint in your hair. "I love you, and all that sappy shit,” he muttered.

You let out a small breathy laugh and pressed a kiss to his chest before squeezing him tighter. "I love you, J. Thank you."

J scoffed, but a tiny smile tugged at his lips all the same. "Yeah, yeah. Listen, I don't need your thanks. I just need ya to be strong for me. Think you can do that?"

"I'll try my best.”

"Good. You do that and I'll take care of the rest. I got your back, toots.” He kissed your head and squeezed you again for good measure, his fingers traveling from your back, up to your cheek, grazing over your tear-stained skin. He stared at you affectionately as you nuzzled against his touch.

Looking up at him once more, you offered him the best smile you could muster in the moment. It was weak, but you were trying. And that was enough.

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[salvatwh0re]

Hi, I’m so sorry to send you this ask. I just need someone to talk to cause I don’t know what to anymore (I’m not asking you to manifest for me, don’t worry) 😭 there is a trigger warning

TW: I spent 3 years now trying to enter the void state. Since then, my life only has gotten worse and worse. At this rate, I’m extremely desperate and depressed. I just cry every day cause I basically failed my life. I got kicked out of college, lost my job, lost my friends after a huge sexual abuse incident (the guy was close to my group of high school friends and he twisted the story around to make it seem like I was insane) and my abuser didn’t get arrested. I just want to fucking unalive myself and to stop crying myself to sleep

I’ve been reading your success story over and over and over to motivate myself to enter. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I keep falling asleep, or it takes me literally hours of nothing every night and I’m so sad. I just want my fucking sexual abuser to go to jail and my friends to hear my side

Do you have any advice for me please? I’m so fucking sad and tired of crying all the time and this emotional breakdown

first of I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. I started my void state journey in 2020 so I also know what it’s like to feel stuck and like it’ll never work but trust me it will. I think the thing I struggled with the most was that I was using the void as more of an escape or like the end-all-be-all because of how much I was putting it on a pedestal. I feel like once you realize that the power is within you and it’s YOU who’s is manifesting your desires not “the void state.”

Another thing I struggled with was forcing myself and putting a time limit on myself and that was just way too much pressure so I would get so distracted when tapping in and then I would get lazy or tired or I would tell myself that I’d do it tomorrow and that just wasn’t good for me at all.

If your problem is falling asleep I suggest you listen to a “wake up in the void” subliminal and affirm that you will wake up in the void. Or I would suggest the lucid dreaming method. I’ve had a lot of lucid dreams over these past 3 years and I never took advantage of that but I think if you start taking the steps to start lucid dreaming you will find great success. I would suggest keeping a dream journal and then also found the WBTB method, those work best for me but I also think you should find what works best for you.

I really hope this was helpful. And I hope you get Justice because you deserve it. Remember to just keep going. If the void wasn’t real and you didn’t believe in it you would’ve given up a long time ago. There’s something in you that knows it exists because it does so just keep trying :)

[sarucane]

OFMD Spiral Parallels 28: Izzy and Stede Talk Blackbeard

Intro: What I love most about how season 2 builds on season 1 of OFMD is the spiral narrative structure. Ground is repeatedly and explicitly re-trod from season 1 to season 2, but in season 2 everything goes deeper than season 1. Meanings are shuffled, emotions are stronger and truer, and transformation is showcased above everything. The first season plucks certain notes, then the second season plucks the same ones--but louder, and then it weaves them together to create a symphony.

---

For most of the show, Izzy and Stede are clashing in some way. But Izzy is actually pretty honest with Stede most of the time. His opposition to Stede just doesn't manifest in lies or deception--except twice. Twice, Stede is in his cabin, and realizes Izzy's in there with him. Twice, Izzy gives Stede a mixture of lies and truth as they discuss Ed, and Izzy faces up to the depth of the relationship between Ed and Stede. In the first conversation, Stede fails to notice warning signs about what Izzy really thinks, and Izzy doesn't actually lie directly. The second time, Izzy tells Stede a lie he wants to believe. Both times, Izzy talks around murder, and both times Izzy's intentions backfire spectacularly.

When Stede comes in after storming out of the fuckery, he's wallowing in his own (rather shallow) drama. But in the second season, Stede's been cleaning up the knives Ed left behind. From invented drama that Stede's responsible for, to actual drama...that Stede's also kind of responsible for.

Izzy appears behind Stede, and Stede's hostile. But in the first scene, Stede fails to read between the lines of what Izzy's saying. Izzy's pretty openly planning for what he's going to do after Stede's death. Izzy thinks he's about to re-assert the order of his life.

The Izzy who appears behind Stede in season 2 knows the futility of that idea, knows that life is lost forever. And while Stede missed all the clues last time, this time he knows he's been lied to, he demands the truth--and he refuses to accept Izzy's obfuscation.

In the first season, Izzy really does know more about Ed than Stede. Izzy knows how Ed feels about Stede, and while it annoys him, he's not frustrated--because he thinks there's an end date. He thinks Stede is going to be dead soon, and then it won't matter.

In the second season, as usual, the emotions go much deeper. Izzy's cool control and casual superiority vanish quickly in the face of Stede's newfound certainties about Ed. Izzy's frustrations about Ed, Stede, and himself--and the relationships among them--boil over, and honesty pours out.

But that honesty only goes so far. Just as in season 1 Izzy knew Ed was plotting to kill Stede, now he himself is guilty of (he thinks) murdering Ed. Both pieces of information need to be hidden from Stede, in order to make sure Stede does what Izzy wants. So Izzy obscures them. In the first season, he manipulates Stede to do the very thing Izzy thinks will result in his murder. In the second, he's trying to get Stede to help him hide Ed's murder. But he's not willing to take the risk of honesty. The lies are bolder, the truths are starker.

Both scenes are about what Izzy knows and Stede doesn't. But both scenes also point deeper truths about Ed, one that Izzy doesn't even know. In the first season, Izzy's creepy curtain molestation gives Stede the idea of adding a "kraken" to the fuckery (listen to the musical cue!). Izzy has no idea, but his evil is going to rebound upon him: the kraken, and the breakdown it triggers in Ed, is what's going to stop Ed from hurting Stede. Something in Ed's past is hidden from both these men, and Stede's going to bring it out.

And in fact, if Stede hadn't taken Izzy at his word and the manipulations hadn't played out, that might not have happened at all. Ed might have gone through with killing Stede, vanishing probably forever into his own darkness.

In the second season, Izzy tells Stede what he thinks is a lie, but which is nearer to the truth than even he realizes. Like he did in the first season, his actions and behaviors point to a truth about Ed's past. Here, his lie points to a truth about Ed's present: Ed's not actually dead. He is dying, though. Nature is doing the rest.

If Stede hadn't believed that lie, events might not have played out as they did. Stede probably still would have tried to help the crew. But would he have been with Ed at just the right moment, when there was still time to save him from falling into that darkness below the water? Maybe, maybe not.

Stede can be disastrously credulous, and Izzy can be a manipulative bastard. But both of them really do care about other people: about Ed, about the crew. That care leads both of them to these interactions. And ultimately, that care saves Ed from his own darkness.

[tiptapricot]

So we know Jake fronts in emergencies, in times of distress, in cases Marc can’t handle when it comes to protecting the system (or at least that’s how I read it), but what if that extended to certain emotional situations too?

Steven seems to be the main emotional protector, yes, but his role in that also hinges on being unaware of a lot of the stuff happening around him. In addition, Marc and Layla’s relationship seems to have been an overall very loving and positive one, but we also know there’s been dysfunction, that they fought at points, had to work through rough patches together. You don’t get married to Marc Spector and experience completely smooth sailing.

So then… what happened when Marc and Layla fought? When Layla had her own breakdowns and yelled or cried or lashed out in highly emotional scenarios? What happened when Marc couldn’t handle that? When seeing her like that was too familiar, too deeply triggering and close to home?

Well… Steven certainly couldn’t pick up the reigns, he doesn’t have the context to handle it properly and gaining that context would severely damage his ability to continue on normally. So then that just leaves Jake. Jake, who takes care of threats, who steps in for Marc, who gets them to a safe place after dealing with the enemy.

And Layla’s not an enemy, she’s not, but sometimes their brain still feels like she is, and those are the times where Jake finds himself holding a crying woman in his arms, and apologizing, and letting her rant, and sitting her down somewhere he can hug her shaking bones together.

And he gets good at it, after awhile, good at being Marc. A Marc that’s quieter, that’s there for her, that does what he’s supposed to so she can breathe again. It’s what he’s there for, so it’s what he does.

And he has no right to touch her, he knows, no right to be this close. He doesn’t belong in her life, isn’t the one who should be running hands through her hair or pulling her to his chest, or wiping away her tears, but he does it anyway, because he has to.

Jake Lockley has always been a necessity, the man to fill the spaces the others can’t, the one to adapt seamlessly, quietly.

And so he does so. For years.

And when it all comes crashing down—the walls between them, the secrets—and Layla sees him for the first time, she asks such a simple question, and it breaks him.

“Have we ever met before?”

Yes, he thinks immediately, his mind going to the days her grief for her father was too strong for her to stand, or the days her tense muscles and tight jaw couldn’t relax after fights that brushed too close to being deadly. He thinks of Marc and Layla yelling across a room, cheeks wet and angry and chests shattering, and all he can do is look at her, his mouth a thin line, his brows knotted over themselves, and lie.

Yes, would be the right answer, because it’s true. He’s been there for so much of her, seen some of her most vulnerable moments, pulled her back and held her close, but he doesn’t say that. He can’t.

No, Jake Lockley just shakes his head, and mumbles something quiet, and squeezes his heart a bit tighter to keep it from spilling.

Because there’s no use in telling her, in letting her see the ache he has to hold her, in telling her how much she deserves to be happy, in revealing how well he knows the tense squeeze of her fingers. After all, she could never reciprocate that. She could never know him like that in return, and he’s not quite ready for that reality. Not yet.

(Had a moment last night w @steverogers-against-disney and @guss-other-fin going a bit nuts over some songs in regards to the MK sys, and LONG STORY SHORT it sparked this idea and I’m now holding it close to my heart. Inspired by Breaking Down by Jeremy Messersmith, bc the lyrics make me bananas pls go look at them)