#this was to highlight the amount of times jamie looks away and down and ONLY says bad hair after making eye contact AAAAAUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH

[footballshowrot]

come closer i am just a regular scene😄 UH OH! changes your brain chemistry

[growingstories]

Pjotr (NEW PICTURES)

This is a story by Jamie, living in a suburban area close to London: Next to where I live is a building that houses construction workers from abroad. Most of the guys I see are from Poland living here to work for a construction company run by a Mr. Johnson. I didn’t really think much of it until Pjotr became my direct neighbor.

Every day, I would see the rough Polish workers in the garden, their tough exterior giving away nothing but their laborious days. Dusty and unshowered, they would gather after work to smoke, drink beer, and chat until late into the night. None of them seemed to be particularly fit, most being slightly overweight. However, their dedication to their work was admirable. During vacations, they would all go back to their families in Poland and return after spending quality time with their loved ones. It was during such Summer vacation period that I bumped into someone unexpected.

As I walked down the street, lost in my own thoughts, I noticed a hot, athletic guy who appeared to be lost. Curiosity got the better of me, and I approached him to offer my help. He was looking for number 13, the house right next to mine. I excitedly told him that I lived next door, and we introduced ourselves. His name was Pjotr, and he mentioned that he was from Poland as the rest of the guys.

Pjotr had recently finished carpenter school and had come to to England pursue his dreams in the construction industry. His charming demeanor instantly struck a chord with me, and before I knew it, I had fallen head over heels in love with him.

After a week of living next to each other, Pjotr and I bumped into each other again. I asked him how he was finding his time in England so far. He confessed that work was tough and after work was a bit monotonous. The other workers would only gather to drink and never did anything particularly interesting. He expressed his struggle in connecting with his rough colleagues, who mostly talked about women and football—topics that didn't interest him much. He was happy to paths crossed have with me, as it meant having someone to talk to outside of work.

Feeling an undeniable connection, the following week, I suggested we grab some food together, and he gladly accepted. During dinner, Pjotr confided in me about his ambition to build his own dream house and start his own construction company by the time he turned 30. I found his drive and determination incredibly inspiring and showered him with praise.

Our dinners together became a regular occurrence, and soon enough, we found ourselves venturing out to clubs, enjoying the vibrant nightlife. It was during one of those late-night walks home, in the midst of a palpable tension, that Pjotr surprised me by pushing me into an alleyway and passionately kissing me. Overwhelmed by desire, I invited him up to my place, and we shared an unforgettable night together. However, we both agreed that our encounters needed to remain discreet due to the nature of our situation. On the streets, we would greet each other as neighbors, and upon entering or leaving my house, we had to ensure that no prying eyes were watching.

As time went on, our relationship deepened, and we spent almost every day together. Pjotr would sneak into my house after dinner with colleagues at 7.30 pm to share a bite with me, have amazing sex and sleep together tight and set his alarm for 4:30 am, ensuring that he made it back to his place before anyone woke up. Our secret meetings, filled with passion and desire, became the highlights of our lives. But as the months passed, I began to notice subtle changes in Pjotr's physique. Love handles appeared on his once athletic frame, accentuating his rugged charm.

At first, it didn't bother me, but gradually, it became apparent that he was gaining weight. He confessed his struggle to me, explaining that his colleagues would cook fatty dinners every night, and the amount of beer they consumed was staggering. Despite his best efforts, the weight seemed to pile on rapidly, and he struggled to find a way out. To support him, I promised to cook lighter meals, but he would often snack on my food, turning my smaller portions into full dinners. Desserts became larger, and his belly started to grow bigger.

Seeing him change physically didn't dampen my attraction to him; in fact, I found his size newfound incredibly appealing. I assured him that he still looked hot, hoping to boost his confidence. In response, he asked if he could my use gym, determined to shed some weight. He embarked on a rigorous workout routine, spending hours at the gym after work.

The results were astonishing. His muscles bulked up, giving him an even more commanding presence. However, the weight he had gained remained, transforming him into an absolute beast of a man. He reveled in his newfound strength, attributing it partly to his size. Pjotr's colleagues, impressed by his determination, offered him lighter duties that didn't involve too much physical exertion, enabling him to indulge his appetite even more.

Over the course of five years, our secret encounters continued, and Pjotr's size grew. He had saved up a considerable amount of money and shared with me his plans to leave England for good. He was eager to return to Poland and live out his dreams of building his dream house and starting his own construction company. He asked if I would join him, sharing his desire to build a life together. His family was accepting of our relationship, and I found myself seriously considering starting a new life in Poland.

In the final months leading up to our departure, Pjotr had become simply obese. However, he appeared more relaxed and content now that his family knew about us. We made the decision to leave England behind and embrace a simpler life in Poland. I knew I could pursue my own career there as well. And so, that's where we find ourselves now—living a peaceful, joy-filled life in Poland I take. care of the love of my life, who spends his days building our dream house and establishing his own successful construction company. The days are busy, and as he constantly moves and works, he has shed some weight along the way. Nevertheless, his insatiable appetite and love for food guarantee that he will never be skinny again. But that's perfectly fine, because to me, he will always be the sexy, confident, and loving man I fell in love with—the who pursued man his ambitions, achieved his dreams, and captured my heart forever.

[fancybehaviour]

Daddy Woes

Summary:

Harry is a good husband; so he sends his wife out on a much needed girls day. James Sirius is a naughty boy; so he sends his father down an anxiety spiral.

Notes:

Written for @harryandginuary BINGO!

Prompt I 23: “Why are there zucchini all over our kitchen?” “Do you not like zucchini?”

The sun had sunk low on the horizon, and in a few minutes would dissapear for the night. About dinner time, thought Ginny, as she made her way home after a long enjoyable day, her heels clicking rhythmically against the cobble. As she walked, she rewinded the highlights of her girls day out with Hermione and Luna in her head. Ginny had had an absolute hoot meeting her friends.She was sure she would continue to reminisce until the next time she could have such a day; after all being the mother of a seven month old meant that such trips were a rarity and she cherished them a lot.

Her legs ached from all the walking around she did while she helped Luna shop for her trip and she was looking forward to taking the nice long bath her husband had promised to draw her. She let out a sigh as she thought of sinking her aching legs in a hot bath, her husband perched at the edge of her bathtub as she gave him an exaggerated recount of the day's events peppered with silly nonsensical jokes, him guffawing at them all even though he had already heard them all. He did that a lot these days, laughing. Especially since the birth of their beautiful boy.

She felt a swell of love rise in her as she thought of her family; her seven month old baby son who could scream the house down and her loving husband who tried his best to give her respite from the said infant. 

"Harry?" she called, pushing the front door to close and locking it. "James darling? I'm back home. Did you boys have fun?". She continued heading towards the kitchen where she could hear noises, taking care not to trip over the many toys that were strewn about their living room. Courtesy of their many relatives and friends, James seemed to have an amount of toys that seemed absolutely ridiculous to Ginny who couldn't remember seeing so many toys even at the Burrow, that had been the residence of seven children. Making the matter even more ridiculous was the fact that James's favourite toys were actually the copper pots and pans that he liked to bang about making noise.

It was only when she reached the kitchen and took in the desecration that it was  that she realised that perhaps today, she might be the only one in the Potter household who might have had any semblance of fun.

Eyes darting from her slightly whimpering son in his high chair, to the trail of food spills surrounding him to the multicoloured stains adorning her husband's apron and his miserable face, she decided to address a whole other issue: “Why are there zucchini all over our kitchen?” 

“Do you not like zucchini?”, asked Harry, in a tone that might have been wry if it weren't for the long suffering expression on his face.

"Absolutely not. Can't believe you thought I did, the honor of questionable taste will forever be Hermione's ."

He gave a laugh that seemed more for her benefit (making Ginny wonder if parenthood had done a number on her humour too) and set about cleaning up. Ginny walked into the kitchen and lifted the whimpering toddler into her arms. She pressed a loud smacking kiss on both of his chubby, chubby cheeks, and rocked him gently, seemingly this was all that was needed for his whimpers seemed to slowly subside. She could feel Harry's eyes on them as he continued to clean up the mess; she remained silent, waiting for him to tell her what was weighing on his mind.

Instead he said, "He missed you," so she turns around to see him, looking at them softly with a look on his face that Ginny could only describe as melancholy. It reminded Ginny of her fifth year, when he looked at her like that, like she was everything he wanted but was unattainable.

It seems she was going to have to demand answers after all. Very well.

"Alright Potter, spill. Whatever happened today that has got you relapsing into your teenage angst?"

He laughed, and this time it was a genuine one; BINGO!

Pulling a chair at their kitchen table and settling himself down he said " James kept crying after you left. A lot." 

"Uh-huh. Nothing he hasn't done before. "

"Yeah. Sure. But today I just realised.."

"Yeah?" She asked, settling down into the chair opposite him, shifting James into her lap who seemed very fascinated with playing with her hair.

Harry watched him for a moment and then continued, "I know James crying is nothing new. Yet for some reason, it just bothered me today, you know."

"Uh-huh."

"It made me feel like a bad parent." he confesses, looking a bit surprised himself, perhaps at that he had spoken it out loud, yet continued with "I have been feeling like it a lot these days."

There.The dam had finally broken. Ginny had long since suspected that Harry was having troubles with parenting. She had caught him brooding about with a tea mug in his hands instead of going back to bed after whatever ungodly hour James Sirius had decided to wake them up. 

She tried many times,to get him to talk, but between her own exhaustion, an infant with a strong pair of lungs and Harry's stubborn refusal to burden Ginny with anymore than she was already dealing with nothing had come out of it. But now that he seemed to want to talk, Ginny did not stop him.

"I just… "he paused, and swallowed, something he did when he was overcome with emotion but wanted to bite it down.

"I want to do this right. I have never wanted so badly to do something right in my whole life. Family..it means everything to me and I want to be a good father but I'm afraid I am failing."

"You are an amazing father, Harry."

He shook his head. 

"Am I?"

"Yes" Ginny agreed furiously.

Harry looked into her eyes at that and she hoped he could read her, that he could see himself from her eyes, how she fell in love with him more and more everyday as she saw more and more of dad Harry.

Looking away he continued, "I sure don't feel like it. Today, while you were away, all Jamie wanted was his Mum. I tried everything, feeding him your milk, his favourite toys - yes the pans and pots, we are lucky we have no neighbours- feeding him all sorts of baby food and yet nothing seemed to work for long before he started wailing again. "

Ginny replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm being condescending, but this is the only way I can seem to put it- he's a toddler Harry. No one knows why toddlers do what they do. If he was fussy with you today and missed me I doubt it's because he has decided you were a bad parent."

"I know that - rationally.But the part of me - the same part of me that gets jealous of blokes trying to chat you up or worries that Ron is going to make a new best friend  - that part of me makes me think I have been a bad father."

"Today when Jamie kept crying for you, and I wasn't able to calm him down or feed him any of the amalgamation of baby foods I made- it just felt like I was in over my head, without a clue about what was doing. I might as well have been one of those dads who say they are 'babysitting' their kids and leave them up to their mothers and that's not- I never want to be that."

"I don't just want to do this right, I want be good at this. Like I am at Quidditch or catching dark wizards. I know I can catch a snitch, I know how to find a criminal on the run from law. Just like that, I want to be good at taking care of my son...but today, everything I did kept failing and that made me think.."

"James dented your confidence, didn't he," she said softly.

"He did," Harry agrees looking over at the boy who was happily sucking on his toes, completely ignorant of the spiral he had sent his father through.

Lacing her fingers with his, she said,"My mum told me, with parenting, there's bad days and good days, but you've got to understand that having bad days is not equivalent to being a bad parent."

"I imagine she had a lot of those, with seven of you," replied Harry wryly.

"Two of them Fred and George", Ginny reminded him.

They sat for a moment in silence both lost in thought.

"Gin-"

 "Harry" ,they both started at the same time, and Harry motioned for her to go on.

"I was just thinking - I had help with this. My mum, Fleur, Angelina, my teammates - I had people to talk this with. To reassure me that I wasn't doing things wrong. But you don't have that."

"No. But I've got you."

"You do," she agrees. "But also, maybe you should talk to people too. Maybe my dad or Bill or George"

He snorts at that. "If anyone had told me ten years ago that I'd be talking parenting with George.." he trails off as Ginny gives a light chuckle.

"Seriously though," she says again,       "Give it a try. I'm always here though. To listen. Or if you wanna get competitive over who is the worse parent".

Grinning, he says "I fed him courgettes Gin. He hated it. I'm winning this game." and she smiles at him, simply happy to see him happy.

"Oh and what is it?", she asks, and at his quizzical raise of eyebrows she elaborates, "that you wanted to say? You wanted to say something but you let me go first."

At that he gives her a wide smile and says, 

"Just that I love you."

[engie-ivy]

Remus doesn’t go to the annual Halloween party because of the full moon, Sirius doesn't go to the annual Halloween party because of Remus, and the task befalls James to come up with an excuse as to why his two friends are both absent and should not be disturbed...

Short and cute happy Halloween fluff🎃

Self-fulfilling rumours

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

Remus looks up from his book to see a rather angry-looking Sirius glaring at him from the doorway, arms crossed over his chest.

“You all have calendars yourselves,” Remus replies calmly, focussing his attention back on his book.

Sirius rolls his eyes as he walks into the room. “Well, we obviously didn’t realise, so why didn’t you remind us then?”

Remus sighs and puts down his book. “It’s your favourite night of the year. You were already so excited. What’s the point of me putting a damper on the fun?”

“Well, it could’ve saved Jamie and I the trouble of coming up with our costumes...”

“You’re going to the Halloween party,” Remus says firmly.

Halloween and the annual Halloween party is one of James’ and Sirius’ favourite time of the year. Eating nothing but candy all day, pulling an extra amount of pranks under the excuse of trick ‘n treating, and always having the best costumes. If it were anybody else, people might have made fun of them for dressing up in over the top and matching, but when James and Sirius do it, it’s cool, which goes for about everything.

“Moony,” Sirius says frowning. “Of course we’re not going to the Halloween party this year if the full moon is that night.”

“Sirius,” Moony sighs. “I’m not gonna let all of you miss out on something you were so looking forward to on my account.” Sirius opens his mouth to protest, but Remus keeps talking. “Besides, I can’t leave the shack on the night of Halloween anyways. Much too dangerous, with people out and about trick ‘n treating or going on ghost tours. So there’s really no need for you to miss the party.”

“But when you’re in there alone...”

“I’ve handled it on my own for many years,” Remus smiles in a way he hopes looks more convincing than he feels. “I can handle one night more, so you can enjoy yourselves.”

“Stop talking like it’s a sacrifice for us!” Sirius says. “We love our nights during the full, it’s the highlight of the month.”

“When we can go out,” Remus chuckles. “Not when you’ll be obligated to spend the night in a small space with a cranky werewolf, while you could’ve been getting drunk on illegally obtained Firewhiskey and eating your weight in candy.”

Sirius stares at him for a while. Then he sighs. “I won’t argue with you then.”

As Remus sits alone and cold on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, feeling as miserable as always so close to the full moon, he starts to regret being so firm to Sirius. In reality, he dreads transforming on his own, and letting the wolf take out his aggression on himself.

“Wotcher, Moony.”

Remus can’t suppress his smile as Sirius casually walks into the room. “What happened to ‘I won’t argue with you’?”

Sirius shrugs as he sits down in front of Remus. “I didn’t argue with you, now did I? I decided to save us the trouble, and just do what I wanted anyway.”

Remus knows he should tell Sirius to go back to the castle and enjoy the party, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He’s too relieved to have Padfoot with him for this night.

“Won’t Prongs mind that he won’t have you in your prisoner of Azkaban costume to accompany his Dementor costume?”

“Nah,” Sirius says. “I let Wormtail take my place. He was delighted.”

“I really don’t want to keep you from what you love so much...” Remus tries one last time.

“You are what I-” Sirius stops himself and sighs. “I mean, I don’t want to be anywhere else, Moony.” Then he smiles. “Why would I want to hang out with fake werewolves all night when I have the real thing right here?”

Remus launches himself forward and hugs Sirius tight, relief washing over him. “Thank you,” he whispers.

The full moon isn’t as bad with Padfoot there to calm the wolf, even if they have to stay locked inside the entire night. Despite some slowly healing scars and the usual painful muscles, he’s able to make his way around the castle again not too long after. In the library, one of the Prewett twins drops down in the chair in front of him.

“Hi Gid,” Remus greets. “How are you? How was the Halloween party? I heard you and Fabian didn’t bothered with costumes and just said you were dressed up as each other.”

Gideon grins. “Yeah, it was definitely fun. But not as much fun as your night has been, or so I’ve heard.”

Remus blinks at Gideon who’s looking back with a suggestive grin. Remus knows Gideon cannot be referring to what he actually did that night, as he definitely wouldn’t use the word ‘fun’, nor would he be smiling at him like that. If he knew, he probably wouldn’t be talking to him anymore at all, though admittedly, Remus has been wrong about that before. Remus realises that he has no idea what excuse James has given for his absence. Attempting to stay as vague as possible, until he can check with James, Remus says “Yeah, well, you know how it is, right?”

Gideon throws his head back and laughs. “I honestly can’t say I do, Lupin. But I can say that I’ve sometimes wished I did,” he adds with a wink, before leaving for his next class, leaving behind a very confused Remus.

“I am never talking to you again.”

Remus doesn’t take this threat too serious, as Lily just ran up to him and hooked her arm in his.

“You have affronted me, Remus Lupin.”

Remus raises an eyebrow. “Did I now?”

“Oh, yes,” Lily says. “I’m not terribly surprised, as I’ve had my suspicions, but having to hear it from Potter!” Lily shakes her head. “So, what’s the deal? Is it, for lack of a better word, serious?”

“I...” Remus says hesitantly. “Am not sure?”

“Right,” Lily says nodding. “I guess these things can be complicated. Just know that as long as you’re happy, I’m happy for you.”

Remus starts noticing how people are, not even subtly, staring at him and talking about him. He sees lots of giggling and the occasional angry glare, but also suggestive smirks, winks and even a couple of thumbs up. Remus feels very much at a loss.

When Benjy Fenwick passes him in the corridor, he turns around to Remus. “Nice job, Lupin. From what I’ve seen in the Quidditch locker room, I can only say congratulations.”

When he tells Marlene he’s sorry he missed the party, she snorts. “Like hell you are, Lupin.” And then with a smirk “I trust you had a very pleasing evening?” And when Remus, caught off guard, stammers that he supposes it was quite satisfying, she bursts out in laughter.

Mary just runs up to him and gives him an overly-excited hug, saying that she’s super invested in it already.

Remus walks into the common room over to where James and Sirius are sitting. “Prongs, a word in the dorm please. Padfoot, you come too.”

James looks very guilty as he enters the dorm. “I’m sorry!” He immediately says. “I panicked, and I couldn’t come up with anything else in that moment. I didn’t expect every person in school to be talking about it.”

Remus pinches the bridge of his nose. “What exactly is everyone talking about?”

“Well,” James runs a hand through his hair, before speaking in a rushed voice. “People asked why you weren’t at the party, so I said you were sick, but McKinnon found it hard to believe that suddenly both of you were sick and she wanted to go up to our dorm to confront you, ‘cause she ‘wasn’t gonna let you skip on the party of the year that easily’, and before I knew it she was walking up the stairs and I had to think of something, as neither one of you was of course actually in our dorm, to convince McKinnon she really shouldn’t enter our dorm that evening, so, and like I said, panicking, I said that you two were... you know.”

Sirius’ eyes widen. “You told McKinnon we were shagging?”

“No,” James says defensively before turning his head away and softly muttering “I shouted through the common room that you were shagging.”

Remus flushes as he remembers all the looks and conversations from that morning. He hides his face in his hands and drops down on the bed. He’s vaguely aware of Sirius telling James through gritted teeth to give him a moment with Remus to talk about what to do, and not long after, he feels Sirius sit down next to him on the bed.

Remus tries to compose himself. “So this is of course terribly embarrassing,” he says, and notices how Sirius looks away with a strange expression on his face. “But I suppose I rather have people talk about me for hooking up with you, than have people talk about me for being a vile, vicious monster.”

“I’m glad people thinking you’re hooking up with me is just slightly better than people thinking you’re a monster,” Sirius replies bitterly.

Remus frowns. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Sirius stays silent, so Remus continues. “For Godric’s sake, how in Merlin’s name Prongs came up with that? And for people to actually believe something so ridiculous!”

Sirius now snaps his eyes back to Remus’ face with an angry glare, and Remus has the feeling he’s really screwing up, but doesn’t know exactly what he’s screwing up.

“I suppose the idea that you’d hook up with me is absolutely ridiculous,” Sirius says with something like suppressed anger and hurt.

“Well, yeah,” Remus replies, not understanding this reaction. “Everyone knows that you’re way out off my league.”

“What?” Sirius asks incredulously. “I am no such thing!”

“Please,” Remus says, making a dismissive gesture. “You can literally pick anyone you want, why in Merlin’s name would you pick me?”

“Because you’re clever and kind? Because you have a sharp wit and a wicked sense of humour? Because you have pretty eyes that light up when you laugh or read a book and a cute smile, especially when you do that adorable nose wrinkle-thing? Because you know exactly how to comfort me and make me feel better about myself?”

How Remus wishes he was better at this sort of thing, how he wishes he’d have the exact right words to describe how much he admires Sirius and the feeling it gives him when Sirius’ eyes meet his and he gives him one if those small smiles, but all he manages to say is “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Sirius sounds defeated. “Look, I’m sorry that these rumours bother you so much. I wish I could make it better for you, but I don’t know...”

As he speaks, Sirius moves to get up from the bed, but Remus grabs his wrist. “You could make it better for me.”

Sirius sits back down and stares at Remus, and now it’s his turn to mutter the eloquent “Oh.”

Remus nervously licks his lips and shifts a little closer to Sirius. “I’d feel much better about these rumours if there was at least some truth in them.”

Sirius swallows and shifts a little closer to Remus. “Yeah, I hate that Prongs had to lie for us.”

Having him so close, Remus musters his courage and places one hand on Sirius’ waist. “Precisely. I don’t like fooling Lily about it either.”

Sirius places a tentative hand on Remus’ cheek. “It’d be indeed much better for them if there was some truth to it.”

Remus leans into his touch. “And so many people seemed really excited about it.”

Sirius also leans in a little closer, and Remus can feel his breath on his lips as he speaks. “It’d be such a shame to disappoint them.”

“Yeah,” Remus whispers before letting his eyes fall shut and closing the last bit of distance. “Such a shame.”

[beauvibaby]

wrong - t.seguin

a/n: this gif has no correlation to the story but it made me smile so

summary: you and Tyler have your first big fight

You were happily working in your own little bubble, occasionally petting Marshall’s head as he nudged your knees. You were sitting on Tyler’s bed, your laptop on your legs as you edited the photos you had just taken, proud of yourself for finally starting to get your own little photography business off the ground, of course you had help from Tyler, but you never asked, he always offered and after being together for over a year you decided you both were stable enough to allow him to help. Never financially though, you refused to let him do that, but here or there he’d mention your name to some people, or post a picture that you had taken, the little things. You heard the front door open and shut, followed by the dogs rushing down the hallway, nearly sliding into each other as they rushed to greet Tyler. “Hey, hey guys.” He cheered, lightly cooing down to the dogs, you didn’t have to see him to know there was a smile on his face. You slid your laptop to the side. Your feet lightly slapping against the hard floors as you made your way to see Tyler, “hey, babe.” You mumbled, he glanced over, smiling softly. The summer was quickly wrapping up and it was time for his training to really step up a notch, and you knew that would mean less time together, you’d been through it once before and you knew when the season started it would also be even harder, with away games and interviews and practice on top of practice. You were prepared for that, both of you were, but you weren’t prepared for how his attitude would start to change over the coming months.

“Hey.” He sighed in return, walking over and kissing you quickly, you hid the small frown at his greeting, normally it was more enthusiastic but you could tell he looked a little tired, a little stressed, so you brushed it off. “You look nice.” You complimented, you knew he had just finished some interviews, hence the reason he was in a button up instead of his usual shirt or hoodie. “Thank you, baby.” He responded, continuing his walk to the bedroom, the dogs following him happily, you in turn, followed them, hoping his mood would turn around once he got a good shower and some rest. “I’m taking a shower.” He paused in the doorway, some of his usual spunk returning, “care to join me?” He teased, smirking at you. Normally you would humor him, although nine times out of ten nothing actually happened in the shower, it was what the showed led to. “I would, but I really need to finish editing these pictures, there was a miscommunication and she needs them sooner than I thought.” You explained, pouting at him. “Alright.” He shrugged it off, shooting you a small smile, you sighed and climbed back into your spot on the bed, quickly getting back to work, only to find yourself angry when you unlocked the laptop to see that it hadn’t saved the editing you’d already done and now you had to start all over. “Damn it!” You groaned, sloppily tying your hair back, annoyance running through you, quickly, you started trying to get caught up, but it just wasn’t the same and you were growing frustrated with how different it was looking than before.

Tyler walked back out of the bathroom, hair a little damp as he shrugged a shirt on, you glanced up at him with tired eyes, “you alright?” He asked, seeing the look on your face. “No, my stupid computer didn’t save anything I had already done, I’m going to be up late trying to finish.” You explained, beginning to move off the bed, “I’ll go work in the living room, I know you have to get up early tomorrow.” You added, seeing the time, it wasn’t that late, but you did in fact know he had to be up extremely early for training tomorrow. “No, you can stay.” He assured you, sitting beside you, “it’s fine, I’d rather know you’re in here working.” He pulled you in for a kiss, silently making up for his slight attitude earlier. “Are you sure?” You questioned, not wanting him to hold it against you. Tyler shimmied down the bed, his head resting on the pillow as he lazily draped an arm over your legs. “I’m sure.” He mumbled, sleepily watching you, occasionally he’d ask a question, you’d give him an answer that would make him laugh, “that makes no sense”. Eventually you could tell he’d fallen asleep beside you, and you smiled down at him, leaning over to kiss his head, he moved a little but didn’t budge, only rolling into you a little more as you continued away.

***

That’s how most nights went, for a while, occasionally you’d be able to get everything edited before Tyler was home, but most nights you’d just started when he got home, most of the people you did photos for wanted them at sunset. You’d been able to start scheduling things a bit better and have more time with Tyler but now as his schedule started to change with the season starting, you could tell he was getting overwhelmed, and quite honestly a little snippy towards you. They had just completed the third game of the season, and they lost, which was never a good thing but he was taking it particularly hard. “Are you almost done?” He snapped, impatiently watching the tv as you finished up your work, you turned to him slowly, raising your brows. “Yes?” You responded, it came out slightly like a question at his sudden attitude. “You’re always on that damn computer.” He grumbled, watching as you turned it off, setting it aside. You sat up from your spot on the couch, looking at him, “I’m sorry, I’m working.” You responded, knowing your words were only going to egg him on. This time he looked at you, “you’re never here anymore, like really here.” He deadpanned. You scoffed at his words, “I’m here, I’m always here, you’re the one who comes home and puts hockey highlights on, trying to figure out what you could’ve done better.” You snapped, not meaning too, but it was too late now as he raised his eyebrows. “That’s my job, Y/N. I need to keep getting better.” He snapped, standing up, you followed, shaking your head, “and that’s mine!” You pointed to the computer. “You’re not the only one who works.” You added with a pointed voice. He rolled his eyes, and the words he said nearly knocked all the air out of your lungs.

“Oh right I’m sorry, because taking pictures is how we’re paying for our life right?” He hissed and the second he met your eyes he realized what he said, “you ass.” You whispered, he started shaking his head. “No, no, you know I didn’t mean that!” He panicked, which on some level made you feel better because you knew he didn’t entirely mean it, but if he said it, surely he’s thought it, or heard it from other people. “I can’t do it? Is that what you’re saying?!” You let the emotion overcome you, pointing an accusing finger at him. “You supported me, you didn’t have to, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to talk down to me like this when I refused to take your help for more than a year of you asking!” You snapped, he fell silent, lips pursed together as he watched you. When he didn’t say anything you shook your head, gathering your things that were scattered around the living room. “What are you doing?” He asked, not moving, you rolled your eyes, feeling the tears run down your face. “I’m going to stay in the guest room tonight, or until you realize how much your words fucking hurt.” You whispered, “baby, don’t cry.” Tyler finally showed some remorse, but you refused to turn to putty again, “no, Tyler. I can’t believe you would say that, and I know I said something‘s I shouldn’t have either, but I would never put down your career choice.” And with that, you did the one thing your mother always told you not to do, you both went to bed angry with each other.

***

Tyler has another game today, and you were already supposed to be going, but when you woke up in the morning he was already gone, all you had was a text that said good morning. Your mind raced with the thoughts of last night, the words you exchanged, the lack of I love you’s. It killed you, and you felt the anxiety rising in your chest, what if this was the end, what if- your phone ringing cut off the thoughts running through your head. You saw Jamie’s name on the screen and immediately panicked, did something happen? “Hello?” You rushed, and Jamie sighed, “I don’t know what the hell happened between you two, but Tyler is like a fucking zombie.” He explained and you felt a little relieved, as horrible as it sounds, but at least you knew he couldn’t rest well after last night either. “I’ll be at the game, I’m sorry if he’s an ass today, we-it was a nasty fight.” You stammered out, biting the corner of your mouth as Jamie sighed, you could picture the way he ran his hand over his face whenever he was stressed, “it’s fine, just work it out, okay? Tyler isn’t the best without you.” Is all he responded with, you both said a quick goodbye and you rushed to your feet, going to get ready.

You took an unbelievably hot shower, wanting to feel as clean as possible, which no amount of water could do as you felt bad to your heart for how things went. You blew dry your hair, putting on some simple makeup, and your signature game day outfit. Skinny jeans and a Seguin jersey of course.

This was the most nerve wracking you’ve ever felt going to a game, simply because you haven’t seen him since last night. You made your way to the seats, and every time Tyler skated by, even during warmups, he didn’t look over, like he thought you wouldn’t be there.

It felt like forever and a day, but finally, finally he looked up and you could see the shock on his face when he met your eyes. You were right beside the glass, like always, you simply smiled at him, and both of your worries seemed to ease up. That was until you were watching him play and he got barreled into the wall. You shot to your feet, nothing but panic filling you when he took longer than usual to get up. When he took longer than this to get up, you knew it wasn’t good, Jamie skated over, helping Tyler to his feet, Tyler’s eyes were squeezed shut in pain, his head hanging a little low as he made his way off the ice. He disappeared down the tunnel, and you anxiously waited to hear them say he wasn’t returning, but it never happened. You looked over and saw him walking back out, sitting with the other guys on the bench like it never happened. You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding in. He glanced over at you at one point, giving you a soft smile, it didn’t quite meet his eyes. And you couldn’t help but hope that was only because he felt guilty about last night.

Katie gave you a reassuring pat on the shoulder as you anxiously bounced your foot against the cement floor outside the locker rooms, “it’s ok, it was your first big fight, it happens.” She tried to calm you but you only grew more worried when Jamie came out and Tyler wasn’t right behind him. “He’s alright, just a little banged up.” Jamie spoke, wrapping an arm around Katie, you nodded, “thanks.” You whispered, eyes shooting up when you heard Tyler’s voice. He appeared around the corner a second later, instantly taking three big steps towards you. Before you had time to react he had you pulled against his chest, Jamie and Katie walking off to give you some privacy. “Baby, I’m so sorry, I’m an idiot, I can’t believe I said that.” He rushed his words, you nodded staying silent, processing what he said. “If you said it, you had to have thought it before.” You stood your ground, slightly pulling away from him. He shook his head instantly, “no, I was reading stupid comments and someone said that and it just pissed me off, it just came out.” He assured you and continued speaking when you blankly stared at him. “Listen to me, I love you, I love taking care of you and I know you don’t need me too, because you could so easily become the best photographer in Dallas,” he paused to wink, sighing in relief when you cracked a smile. “But I want to take care of us, take care of the dogs, take care of whatever little Seguin’s we have running around in a few years. If you’ll let me?” He concluded, growing confused when you looked away with tears in your eyes. “Y/N-“ “I love you.” You cut him off, all but yanking him in for a kiss, he laughed against your lips, before reciprocating the action. “I love you too.” He mumbled against you. “How many little Seguin’s?” You teased when you pulled away and he threw his head back in laughter, “as many as we can handle.” “That’s a good answer.”

Taglist: @literarycharleton @thathockeygirl

[revive-the-fandom]

Jack is an introvert not an extrovert or an ambivert.

I would like to thank my enablers @dangdiggitydang @belleyells @hobie-brown @everythingfeelslike-themovies @grahminradarin @ginnyofgryffindor here is your answer

Reasons why:

1. Jack has exactly 0 friends in the spirit world. Bunny knows him and hates him or is at least miffed by him, Tooth knows of him as does North and presumably Sandy but for wildly different reasons. None of them are his friends, and none of them give the impression of ever having met him before, I would even argue that Sandy has never met Jack before. Given that Sandy mentions the Leprechaun and Bunny mentions the Groundhog it’s safe to say that there are other spirits wandering the world who Jack could meet and possibly befriend. Considering that there are also Elves, Yetis and Sentient Eggs I’d say there’s also probably several other magical species that Jack could also befriend. However, since Jack doesn’t go to anyone or seem to have any other form of support outside of the Guardians and MiM, I’m assuming that he doesn’t have anyone that he considers a friend or that he trusts enough to go to. This implies that he’s not very good at making friends.

2. Jack gets on best with North. This may seem a little shallow, but you’ve heard of an extrovert forcibly befriending/adopting an introvert? That’s how I see this relationship. North initiates more or less all of their conversations. North is also the one that goes to check on Jack throughout the movie. Sandy may have identified that North is best suited to convince and calm Jack after his fight with Bunny, but North is the one who continually comes back to Jack. And Jack continually sticks close to North because their boundaries have been set and North has shown an interest and gained a level of trust from Jack.

3. Jack doesn’t include himself in conversations. I can remember very few moments off the top of my head in which Jack actually speaks to the Guardians, or anyone tangible, without being prompted. He goes to reconcile with Bunny unprompted, and that’s pretty much the only time I remember him starting a conversation.

4. He’s just sort of there when he’s around the Guardians. I’m pretty sure this one could be proof by itself. Jack just gets swept up in the Guardian’s plans and goes where they go without really giving much input, especially after Sandy’s death.

5. I’m pretty sure he’s acting most of the time. He’s definitely acting in the Globe Room, no one is that calm after being kidnapped and teleported across the globe. Plus he also just met like, the spirit world version of A-List celebrities. You don’t get thrown in front of Beyonce, Keanu Reeves or Harrison Ford and not freak the fuck out. He’s 100% acting in the globe room and continues to act throughout the movie in a way that makes him seem more… friendly and open. He forgets himself in the Globe Room and gets overwhelmed by anger and betrayal so the act slides a bit but he picks it up in time to go walking with North. He lets the act go when North explains his purpose, his centre but pulls it back up for the sleigh ride. He’s noticeably concerned and out of his depth throughout the Tooth Palace scene but he completely drops his act once Pitch reveals himself and he feels threatened. The act goes back up in time to talk to Tooth by the mural and slips when she reveals that the key to fixing literally all of his problems was under his nose the whole time. He tunes his act to the max during the tooth collection scene. He lets it slip a bit so he can be more honest with Tooth in Jamie’s bedroom but he clams back up when the Guardians come back in. He loses the act a little in front of Pitch but he holds it together enough until Sandy dies, then he drops it entirely to talk to North. He lets it down for Easter, then brings it back to face Pitch. The Guardians are disappointed in him and the act is gone and stays gone for the most part. He lapses a little at the end to tell Pitch to fuck off, but like, politely.

6. I disagree with the ending and so do a decent amount of others. I think we all agree that the ending was too quick. It didn’t resolve Jack and Pitch’s relationship at all, it kind of retconned it by saying ‘they 100% hate each other and don’t care if the other dies’ when Jack consistently displays sympathy for Pitch and Pitch clearly feels betrayed and lonely. I would stretch this further and say that the Oath was out of character. Earlier in the movie Jack was very much opposed to taking the Oath, and that was partially because of the way it was presented to him. He clearly wasn’t happy with the noise, the spotlighting, the attention etc. Jack learns over the course of the movie that being a Guardian isn’t about gaining believers, gaining power, gaining influence, hiding away and bribing people to do what you want. He learns that the Guardians have lost their way a little, gotten distracted by the requirements of their jobs and forgotten why they took their jobs in the first place. Jack is supposed to show the Guardians that it’s not about impressive presentation, and it’s not about the scale or reach of their jobs. Jack is supposed to show that it’s the little things, by spending time looking at the bigger picture they miss the point. Jack’s relationship with Jamie and the other Burgess kids highlights that sometimes it’s better to take a personal interest. If a teacher teaches a class, gives a lecture or something, they will reach a larger audience because they generalise. But some kids can’t be taught like this, a lot of kids don’t benefit from generalised teaching. So they get tutors or TA’s or the teacher helps them personally after they’ve taught the class. It would also be an interesting way to make the movie more… is multi-faith the right word? If the Guardians focussed on their kids, the kids who believed in them, then maybe they could start to notice that some of these kids have other Guardians looking out for them? But anyway, what I’m saying is that the ending kind of misses the point of Jack being detail oriented instead of big picture. Yes, he needs to take the Oath to be a Guardian, but does he have to do it with a big audience? There are Yetis, Fairies, Eggs, Elves, the Guardians and the Burgess kids. And once Jack takes the Oath they all cheer. To me this feels… contrary to what we’ve seen so far. Not only would this typically make a shy person uncomfortable, but Jack’s been invisible for 3 centuries. He’s probably overwhelmed already, a more intimate setting, or simply just more private setting, would have fit him better. Did all the Guardians have to be there? Couldn’t it have just been North and Jack and Jamie and Baby Tooth?

[you-are-crazy-beautiful]

S3 thoughts after complete rewatch

Please give me your thoughts and ideas. I’ll be blunt. Season 3 is bad. Really bad. There is absolutely no continuity between s2 and s3. I was joking that even though it’s meant to be set 6 months later, it could really be anytime after. I even would think I was watching an episode in the middle of a season if I was just shown 3x01 with no info. I feel that there is also a complete disregard to the tone of the show, despite Suzanne stating how it’s important to keep that. I do feel that Suzanne talks the talk more than she walks the walk. 

1.       When asked about the multiple POV Suzanne stated ‘those two women as the lynchpin relationship of the show. Their journeys are always at the spine of the story’. ‘all of them (new characters) have a really exciting energy, and really challenge the main characters’. I would argue completely against Eve and Villanelle and their relationship being the focus of this season. There are times and whole episodes when I feel there is almost a disconnect from each other. These two are absolutely, unhealthily addicted to each other. I think the amount of scenes they have together is perfect and almost the usual, but when they aren’t together, you know they are never normally far from each other’s mind. I would especially say I find it strange after V has finally got the kiss she has been waiting for 3 seasons, which would make her devotion go even more through the roof, she only has one Eve related moment (the cake) before phoning Eve after seeing each other at the train station in ep 7. They could have nearly sunk them!

·       Konstantin and Carolyn even overshadowed Eve and had more character development this season. Besides from Dasha, I would also say the new characters hardly gave anything to the plot such as Aubrey, Paul, and Geraldine. It even took me a while to remember these characters names. Paul you could take out of the season and nothing would change except that Carolyn wouldn’t have had another person to shoot in 3x08. I think Geraldine was a good character to have for Carolyn to show how she personally grieves, but why did they keep having the same scenes again and again? What the heck was that thing with Geraldine and Konstantin? I’m still unclear on how Dasha and Villanelle’s relationship came about and what happened. How old was Villanelle? How long was Dasha her mentor for? It seems like they forgot that they had Konstantin saying to V in 3x02 about Dasha doing something to her and the way Villanelle attacked Dasha upon seeing her again, that they just quickly wrote the hospital scene in 3x08. I was so confused what was happening. Did they mean Dasha shot at Villanelle because ‘she wasn’t ready’ as in emotionally or physically? Did Dasha actually manage to shoot her? Didn’t they allude to Konstantin being the one to recruit her from the prison in s1, so how did she not stay with him? How did she escape Dasha? It seemed random that Dasha just happened to die when Konstantin was there, when he said she was going to die in the hospital. I thought he had done something, but apparently not?

2. When asked what she was most excited about the audience seeing, Suzanne said Villanelle and Eve’s journey. This is her quote about Eve. ‘Similarly with Eve, we really get to see deeper layers of Eve, and her really coming to terms with the person she is now. She’s forever changed because of what happened to her and what she’s been through, and it’s really about seeing her now, this new version of herself, and her acceptance of herself, which is very exciting and really takes her into new places’. I really just have to laugh. Where is it? It is absolutely ridiculous how little Eve was developed and ignored this season. When you guys do a rewatch, I highly recommend to at least watch 2x08 before going into s3 because it really just highlights the difference and how nuts it is that they dropped Eve by so much! I really don’t understand how it’s even possible. Coming into the show there are many ways you could go wrong. However, it’s not like it’s an easy thing to cut out the lead of your show! Especially when that character had the most exciting things happen to them in the finale of s2. The things I was most excited about going into s3 was seeing how Eve was coping with knowing she has the ability to kill someone. I can’t believe they did not bring up that Eve had killed someone once in the whole of s3!!! Like @kassies​ stated, it’s like Suzanne just took one line and things she liked and disregarded everything else. Suzanne practically said in the BBC sounds podcast that she had this idea of mummy issues, which personally I don’t think there is any evidence of except the fact V is attracted to older women, like most wlw are. If anything there is more evidence she would have daddy issues with her history of castrations and the many times she comments that she finds it strange that Konstantin hasn’t tried to have sex with her. After the line ‘most of’ her family were dead she stated she could go down that route! She practically wrote the whole season just based on this. She hasn’t even taken the quote correctly, as like others have pointed out, most of her family were actually alive and it was only her dad who was dead. I loved episode 5 originally but on my rewatch with the whole season it really seemed strange. When I first watched it I thought the next episode was going to be largely devoted to Eve so I wasn’t so bothered that it was a whole V ep. However, considering Eve was hardly given anything in ep6, I really don’t see how a whole V episode was needed. The annoying thing was this season could have been the best yet. With Eve and Villanelle both discovering themselves and meeting at the end. It was that, but with hardly any Eve content and I feel they are so lucky they managed to pull it off in the last 2 eps, and that’s largely down to what s1+2 accomplished. Again, ep5 just seems like a way for Suzanne to explore her mummy issues story, as there is nothing really juicy or pivotal for the plot. Why not really show how the twelve have had their eye on V since she was little. Have the mum saying a man told her V was dead, as Konstantin did with Anna in s1? It would have added so much more to the twelve. Especially when the big thing about V this season is her wanting away from the control the twelve have on her. Why not show just how much?

I actually had no idea what Eve was thinking for most of the season and from what I do know and think is based on what I know of this character from the previous 2 seasons. Maybe this is just me not getting it, but I thought Eve was in the kitchen because she was in denial and I kept waiting for her to get a breakthrough and embrace her true self. It wasn’t until Sandra said Eve was actually showing strength by working in the kitchen, and by saying ‘no’ to working in the front, that I was like ‘oh’ that’s what it’s meant to mean. I actually feel so sad for Sandra because I can’t imagine what she must have been thinking with Eve’s treatment this season. I actually feel there are even moments in the season that delibrately stop Eve’s development. For example that lazy line of ‘lucky those tourists found you’. How? I know irl it’s a tourist attraction, but in the show they had to break into a tunnel to access it. I also don’t like the scene with Jamie. You could say it highlights the line in the finale ‘I think we all have monsters’ but I feel like it invalidates just how different Eve and Villanelle are from other people. Jamie taking his kids to the zoo when high is hardly the same as Eve hacking a man to death with an axe. 

 This is already so long, and I could go on and on, but I’m just going to point out  some issues and plot holes.

. Kenny’s death was meant to be the biggest storyline of the whole season and what got Eve back into the story. However, she only looked into his death in ep3 and never again. Carolyn didn’t even really look into his death and all we got was constant scenes with her and Geraldine. Why couldn’t we have gotten Eve and Carolyn doing real detective work like in s1 as was implied was going to happen in ep3? I don’t even feel like they actually thought through his death as it was ‘solved’ by Bear who despite apparently not thinking Kenny had commited suicide from the beginning and wanting access to his phone, apparently did not think to check a camera he had set up until weeks later?! I don’t think it’s possible Kenny fell off the roof as in ep4 when Eve chucks the cake, the wall comes up near to her chest. You could not fall off that. He also would have screamed when falling. I also don’t even know how the twelve knew Kenny was looking into the accounts. Especially if they knew Kenny was looking into it, and knew money was being taken, how did it take them so long to kill the accountant? Laura could develop this in s4, but I feel as though it was Suzanne’s job to follow through with this storyline. 

. How did Konstantin know what V looked like as a baby? Where did he see the photo? Why did they make a point to highlight that she was with someone in the photo and Konstantin really didn’t seem to want to tell her, yet the next episode he handed over her family right away? As much as I love Villanelle’s journey, on a rewatch, the family story seemed to almost come out of nowhere in ep3 and then the next episode she had the information and went home. Why not introduce the idea in ep 1?

. How would Puyter know that it was his sister? Upon immediately seeing her he knew it was Oksana. I don’t think it says how old they were, but he is younger than V, and we saw how old she was in the pics, I really don’t think he would recognise her, especially when he thinks she is dead. 

. Why is there not pictures of the dad? Even if the mum was saddened by his death as she really seemed to love him, why would she not have any photos? Also with how much she seems to be scared and despise V, why would she keep the photos of her? Did the dad die while Villanelle was still there or is she just taking he’s dead as he’s not there. I thought they were going to reveal that the dad was still alive and part of the twelve but nope.

. Why was Rhian so scared of V at the train station? I know she’s the demon with no face, but Rhian was ready to be moving into Villanelle’s shoes, and you can even see V is struggling to kill her, so why does Rhian act so scared and back herself onto the edge of the platform? That moment feels so disgenuous to me and at one point I though Rhian was acting. 

. How did Carolyn know Helene and that V was working for her? Is it a plot hole or something to be explored in s4?

. Why was Eve acting like she didn’t know Villanelle was responsible for the Catalan murder in ep4 when we know she can tell V’s kills after a sec (as seen in ep6) and even after Carolyn had shown her the photo and said it was V?

. They didn’t even seem to give much attention to Eve’s scar or wound. It was not where it was in 2x08. I know they said that they were going to move around where she had been shot, but when Suzanne was asked why the scar was different she said she wanted it to seem like Villanelle went for the kill shot, despite saying in other interviews that she doesn’t think Villanelle did try or want to kill Eve. The scar’s even so weird. I’m no expert, so that it maybe how they look, but it doesn’t even look like a bullet wound. Would the bullet not have left a round mark? 

. Why did they keep Niko around for so long? I personally loved where Emerald had taken it in 2x07 and was excited to see where Niko was. Maybe he was up for the murder of Gemma. It would have been another good opportunity to see Eve's skewed morals. A part of her being flattered that Villanelle killed Gemma as sort of revenge for stepping on Eve. Instead it got completely swept under the rug in 3x01 too by Niko saying mi6 said she killed herself. What happened? How did they find him? It doesn't even make sense now why V killed her. However, I would say there was also something symbolic about him ending up in a rehabilitation retreat because Eve and her actions has 'broken' him. It was quite powerful for his character to tell Eve he deserved better than her. Because he does. He basically told her to p*ss off there. Why make the little time Eve is being given to another ep where she chases him down, for him to get brutally attacked in a way that is so ridiculous that he would survive it borders on a soap opera. I thought the reason he survived was to give a big Eve moment of her saying her acceptance that she can't have a normal life. Instead they just had the same convo as 3x01 with him telling her to p*ss off. Then a scene with Eve looking at him and leaving. What is going on in her head? Why are you not giving her anything? We didn't even get to see her dealing with the act happening.

. This brings me onto the point of it. It could of had so much impact, yes it was cool because Eve knew it wasn't V, but there could have been so much more given to it. Such as Dasha saying to V in the lift in 3x07 about her having someone waiting for her back home, how Dasha has just destroyed the thread between the only person V cares about. It would have made V hitting her with the golf club so much more delicious.

. Villanelle saying to Konstantin that she didn't want him to die in 3x07 and looking upset. Yet in 3x08 she looks almost excited about the fact he's about to be shot?

. It also annoys me so much that Raymond was just discarded and we still know nothing about the twelve. I thought this season was really going to dive into them, but we don't know anymore about them than we did at the start of the season. After rewatching 2x08 I really wish they had explored the twelve thru Raymond. If you wanted to give Konstantin more why not have him in with the twelve and the consequences of 2x08? Raymond saying 'Some would say I'm a real somebody'. 'They will take you apart for this'. 'After today a lot of people are going to be angry'. How high was Raymond? The implications that V+E were in so much danger after killing Raymond. Then it's 6 months later and Dasha just says they've been watching V for months. Were they watching Eve? Who knows nobody cares about Eve this season😒 Why bring in new members of the twelve like Paul, make brand new stories such as Kenny's death and the money, to just kill Paul and not resolve them.

I really don't understand how the twelve haven't killed V yet. She screws up all the time from s1 onwards. I get she is amazing at her job but they have others such as Rhian. Why do they let her get away with it? It was confusing me so much this season. I thought they were going to make her dad a member of the twelve and that's how she's protected.

. The title cards and intro. By now you might all be thinking she's just tearing everything apart. Trust me, there are moments of s3 I love and that is why it's so frustrating. Laura's 3 eps are some of my fave of the show so fingers crossed that means good things for s4. I felt she grasped the original tone of the show. So speaking of staying true to the show, I don't understand why they were changing the format of the title cards. Sometimes it was funny 'p*ss off forever' and 'this is bullshit'. Yet, it also really threw me off because it's not what usually happens. I'm all for new things being tried, yet I actually find myself questioning what wasn't changed and what was kept original? The names coming up in 3x04...I can't even. This is more of a personal take as I know some people really liked them, but when it was coming up 'Eve' I was just sitting there thinking 'I know that's Eve. I've been watching her for 3 years'.

Why was there only a title sequence in 2 episodes? Suzanne got asked and said that it was only ep2 and ep7 that felt right. I mean...I'm pretty sure it could have worked in all of them. I loved the title sequences so much, and was so excited when that drop fell and they started in ep2. Then I was so confused when none of the next ones had it. Episode 7 is one of my favourite episodes of the whole show, and that title sequence is just *chef's kiss*. My point really is that it came across to me as an experiment as they only did certain things in one episode and never again, and it made me uncomfortable.

[jacques-review]

“I Am Human”: The Spectacular Sha’Carri Richardson

Introducing the One and Only

Sha’Carri Richardson is the talk of the town, again. No, it’s not for her “10.72 seconds to win the 100 meters at the 2021 Miramar Invitational.” It’s not about missing the Olympics due to failing a drug test. Nor is it about the passing of her mother. No, this time it’s about her ninth-place finish at the 2021 Prefontaine Classic. This event was hyped up as being the ultimate showdown between Richardson and the Jamaican Olympic sprinting group led by Elaine Thompson-Herah.

In fact, I initially set out to write about Thompson-Herah. I wanted to say a few words about this amazing time in women’s sprinting history. Sure, there is Florence Delorez Griffith Joyner, also known as Flo-Jo, of 1980s fame. But she’s not someone that I can say I saw run although I was alive at the time. Besides Elaine, there is also the legendary Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce who is holding on to second place in the world at the age of 34. These two Jamaicans have made women sprinting enjoyable and fans out of us all (well, most of us)! I’m hoping to continue to see Elaine remain a dominant force in the sport for the next 3 - 4 years.

The more I observe the Prefontaine post women’s 100m reactions, the more I felt obligated to shift my writing focus from Elaine to Sha’Carri (Henceforth, Carri). My initial focus on Elaine was also due to the amount of attention Carri was getting despite the fact that she wasn’t the winner of the race. In a sense, I felt like Elaine’s moment was being dwarfed by Carri. The fastest woman in the world at 100m wasn’t being talked about as much as the last-place finisher.

I wanted to contribute to shifting the focus from Carri to Elaine. But the noise on the digital street was too loud and demonizing.

Birth of a Shooting Star

In the beginning (at the start of the year, of course), the attention being given to women’s track and field by the public wasn’t noticeable. In my usual circles and in the corners of cyberspace that I frequent, “not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.” The world, it seems, woked from its slumber to the tune of Carri running a 10.72 in April. Carri did it in dazzling fashion with long eyelashes and fingernails, and what I’ve come to refer to as fiery orange hair. From that point on Carri, as a U.S. track and field athlete, became the dominant talk of the world’s largest and most influential blowhorn, the U.S. media.

If that’s not true, it’s all I heard. Sure, other athletes were sprinkled in and match-ups were expected for the coming Olympics. But the U.S. media championed the image of the One that stood a chance of bringing Olympic gold in the women’s 100m. Her appearance played well with the cameras. She looked like a star, something special. Indeed, the legend continued as she ran a 10.86 to qualify for the Olympics in June. Thus, the superstar, the speeding comet, was expected to show up at the Olympics with at least a reasonable chance at winning some type of metal if not gold.

"I am an Olympian. No matter what is said ... I am an Olympian. A dream since I've been young. I'm pretty sure everybody's dream as a track athlete. "Being happy is an understatement. Being excited, nervous, all of those feelings. I'm highly blessed and grateful."  -- Sha'Carri Richardson

I Get High

Well, that didn’t happen. The U.S. watched its prophesied chance at gold (or any other metal) in the women’s 100m come crashing down in all her fiery Orange hair glory. But not due to a loss. Stopping Carri from running because of weed was absurd to the public. African Americans weren’t interested in hearing that an athlete was stopped in a competition as grand as the Olympics for use of a product that they believe would not have contributed to her speed at all.

See the following articles for reference on race and black athletes.

The Olympics has a race problem. Athletes everywhere are calling out the sporting body for a history of banning Black women. - Yelena Dzhanova

The Olympics Continues to Prevent Top Black Athletes From Competing - Molly Sprayregen

The Weight On Black Women In Sports; Plus, 'We Are Lady Parts' - NPR

At this point, let me say that I agreed with those that argued for review of laws in order to determine if time had made them inapplicable. This is especially true considering the rapid legalization of weed across the U.S. “Cannabis is legal in 18 states, and allowed medically in 37 states.” However, I have to highlight that when it comes to weed, it is “outdated to joke about it as a party drug, writing off users as slow, pizza-munching losers when many successful people consume cannabis. Cannabis is a complicated substance with a nuanced role in fitness, performance, and society.” Keep the nuanced aspect in mind.

I have no doubt that it would not have made Carri into a faster runner. But, I think it’s important to keep the dualism that allows us to look at both what we as non-experts know of the impact of weed and the possibility that science may make discoveries later that can shock us. It is also important to consider that the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) isn’t a sub-organization of the U.S. Therefore the demands being placed upon athletes must be seen as globally relevant (ideally speaking). This is true despite the fact that the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, in a letter to Jamie Raskin and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, stated that it “has consistently put forward recommendations that the rules addressing cannabis and cannabinoids should be more flexible and fair.”

Left (Far)Behind

Despite missing the Olympics a resurgence of interest was generated when it was announced that Carri would “face all three Tokyo Olympic medalists in the women’s 100m.” And all the world wondered after Carri. Well, at least in terms of what will be the result of the showdown in this supposed clash of the titans. I must confess that I don’t recall hearing or seeing that Carri was going to best all the members of the golden three-headed Jamaican *Leviathan. At the Olympics, Elaine Thompson-Herah ran a 10:61, Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce ran 10:74, and Shericka Jackson finishing at 10:76.

With Carri’s 10:72, she would have been competitive against Fraser-Pryce and Jackson if she was able to maintain that type of speed. This is theoretical, of course. What took place was a shock to the track and field world. It wasn’t that Carri was expected to win. She was expected to be better than ninth place. But that’s what happened. Carri finished at 11:14 while Elaine finished at 10:54. In other words, Elain ran faster than she did at the Olympics. This makes Elaine second only to Flo Jo’s 10:49 in 1988. Carri was a none factor. It appears that the star has fallen in dramatic of a fashion as she appeared.

Be Humble?

In response to the loss, Carri said to reporters:

"This is one race. I'm not done. You know what I'm capable of. Count me out if you want to. Talk all the s--t you want because I'm here to stay. I'm not done. I'm the sixth-fastest woman in this game, ever, and can't nobody ever take that away from me. Congratulations to the winners. Congratulations to the people that won, but they're not done seeing me yet -- period."  -- Sha'Carri Richardson

A good deal of critique, anger, and disgust came in reaction to what Carri said. Some believed that she wasn’t humble after the loss. They were surprised at what she said. Others pointed out that her interview was the most played despite the fact that she wasn’t the winner. There were questions as to why was she being interviewed at all.

What Now?

At this juncture, I will offer some considerations. Carri experienced a number of significant occurrences around the time of her ascent to fame. Again, her mother died. That’s a significant event. But then she was ban from the Olympics, the ultimate event for any professional sprinter, because of one of the methods she chose to use for grieving. Those are heavy blows. And throughout out it all, she was determined to maintain the same type of energy.

That Same Ol' G

"Even though I got my own CD maybe even on t.v. There ain't no changing me I can only be me me me Even though I might be on t.v. 'cause I got my own CD All you will ever see (that) same ol' G"  -- Ginuwine, Same Ol' G (1998)

In Ginuwine’s classic single Same Ol’ G, released in 1998 off of the Dr. Dolittle album, the singer reflects on being his authentic self despite being celebrated in the public sphere through compact disc and t.v. Carri wasn’t faking the funk. She was being real. She was being herself, that same ol’ g. It wasn’t a new persona that was on display because she was in front of all of the lights. Carri has been speaking with the same type of energy before her Olympic trials.

What does it look like being real for somebody Carri’s age and from where she comes from? Does being real look the same way across the board? Should you start acting differently because you lost or something else happens in your life?

The following are a few clips from her Twitter as evidence for how she has been speaking even prior to her Olympic qualifications.

You Wake Up, Flawless

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller We say to girls "You can have ambition, but not too much You should aim to be successful, but not too successful"  -- Beyoncé, Flawless (2014)

What if what looks like confidence for you is misinterpreted as arrogance by someone else? In other words, do our definitions always function accurately across the board and at all times? Sure, we can cite lexical meanings for humility and arrogance and attempt to apply them across the board. Can we make the case that it is time to start critiquing how do definitions play on the ground? I’m only simply pushing forward the argument that we have already been critiquing does definitions and they have shown up in our music, our clothing, and yes, the way we talk.

You wake up, flawless, Post up, flawless Ridin' round in it, flawless, Flossin on that, flawless This diamond, flawless, My diamond, flawless This rock, flawless, My rock, flawless I woke up like this, I woke up like this

— Beyoncé, Flawless

How does Beyonce’s flawless look like in the real world? What does #blackgirlmagic look like?

“Self-esteem means knowing you are the dream.” – Oprah Winfrey

"I was built this way for a reason, so I’m going to use it." - Simone Biles

"You are your best thing." - Toni Morrison

"One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals." - Michelle Obama

These quotes of renowned black women sound great on their own, don’t they? What if what we are seeing from Carri is a version of what that looks like in real life? To what extent can we say definitively that we understand her enough to know that she is arrogant? What if Carri’s defense mechanism looms large at the forefront due to what she experienced in the distant and recent past?

It could very well be that Carri is indeed arrogant. The happenings in Carri’s life may very well be lessons needing to be learned for personal growth and development. The case being made here is that a more nuanced approach should be had. The same amount of consideration given to already established persons should be allocated towards those that we haven’t yet thought of as being on the same level. The same ones saying she is arrogant may themselves be exhibiting arrogance in speaking in absolutes concerning one that is unknown.

Dear Mama

"Lady, don't you know we love you? (Dear Mama) Sweet lady, place no one above you? (You are appreciated) Sweet lady, don't you know we love you? (Dear Mama)"  -- 2 Pac, Dear Mama (1995)

How long does it take someone to recover from the passing of a parent? I can’t assume that we all have the same level of understanding concerning the complexity of loss. Carri lost a parent. How close was she to the mom? How close was she hoping to be to her mom one day? While the news was out that her mother died, it didn’t seem to play a factor in the assessments that were being made about her placing in the race. It should have been obvious right?

Here is a brief introduction to the complexities of grief.

Although grief is a universal experience that is shared by all human beings, the actual grief response in each individual is very unique, and the expression of grief can vary greatly from one person to another. Many factors, such as personality traits, the presence of concurrent stressors and previous losses, the nature of loss(es), and the social expectations that are present, have a great deal of influence in shaping the course of grief for an individual. (p. 26).

It is very important to remember that no individual’s grief experience will neatly fit into a single model, because there is much variation in how losses are perceived and also in how grief is expressed and worked through. (p. 34)

— Darcy L. Harris & Howard R. Winokuer, Principles and Practice of Grief Counseling (2015)

Epilogue

Carri has already said what she needed to say about herself. What we are witnessing now is simply a play out of a young women’s plight as she live out what it means to be who she is on a public stage.

*"Leviathan, Hebrew Livyatan, in Jewish mythology, a primordial sea serpent. Its source is in prebiblical Mesopotamian myth, especially that of the sea monster in the Ugaritic myth of Baal (see Yamm). In the Old Testament, Leviathan appears in Psalms 74:14 as a multiheaded sea serpent that is killed by God and given as food to the Hebrews in the wilderness. In Isaiah 27:1, Leviathan is a serpent and a symbol of Israel’s enemies, who will be slain by God. In Job 41, it is a sea monster and a symbol of God’s power of creation." -- Encyclopaedia Britannica

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[famouslastwordsinmexico]

Suggested for You

     You think to yourself, I shouldn’t have looked that up online.

     You’re now staring at a bunch of banner ads that frame your email inbox. Each one is attempting to entice you to purchase succulents from flower shops near and far, small and conglomerated. The bright, animated images boast to you about how their store’s succulents will set you on the path to self-care while reconnecting you with nature. You know these ads are suggested to you and tailored specifically for you based on your search history, but, really, you just wanted to know how to spell “succulent”.

     To be fair, you probably shouldn’t be looking up non-work related curiosities while actually at work, but it’s been a slow morning. And yet, right as you excuse yourself for the trivial indiscretion, you’re called into your manager’s office. You lock your computer and worriedly head over to where they wait for you. Upon entering the room you see that there is someone else here for this impromptu meeting. Or, rather, someone has video-called in, their face on your manager’s monitor, which has been turned to meet yours.

    “A representative from HR will be joining us remotely,” your manager informs you. They then sit on the front edge of their desk, not behind it, in a manner you suspect all managers unironically believe comes off as cool and relaxed.

    “Huh. Is something wrong?” You cautiously take your seat, looking between them and the digital HR rep.

    “Oh, no, not at all. It’s just a small request.” They fold their hands in front of them. “That presentation you’re working on for Friday; I wanted to ask if you would give it over to Robert.”

    “Robert? Why? I thought it was supposed to be my project.” You worked hard on that presentation, and even harder on that project. It was something that was going to get you noticed by the higher-ups, a first step towards bigger things.

    “It is. Or, it was. It…” They stop themselves, physically appear to reset, and adopt a concerned face. “We’re simply worried it might be putting too much stress on you.” They lean in. “How are you feeling? Is everything alright with you?”

    “Uh… I’m doing fine?” You’re progressively less certain about what’s happening.

    “You sure? You can be honest with us.” They lean back. “We’ve heard you’ve been depressed.”

    The shock of this gives you mental whiplash.

    “‘Depressed’?” you echo. “Why would you think that?”

    “Well,” they begin, affecting the concerned yet distant tone in which only senior managers are capable of speaking, “it’s come to our attention that you’ve been sharing some pretty troubling sentiments.”

    “I only really talk about work-related stuff with people, honestly.”

    “No, I’m referring to the stuff you share online.”

    Dumbfounded, you blink.

    “You see,” your manager explains, “we recently employed a service that keeps us up to date with our employees.” They seem mildly pleased with themself over their technological ability. They speak to you but look at the HR rep on screen. “Of course, it’s only because we care for the well-being of everyone here in the office. And their software told us that you’ve been feeling quite down lately. They even highlighted some examples; is it not true that you recently posted about how nothing really matters?”

    You don’t recall using those words for anything. As you confusedly shrug, they pull out their phone and hand you it, showing the post in question.

    “Wait, what?” you ask. “Those are song lyrics. To a very popular song! I shared them for a ‘Throwback Thursday’.”

    “Hmm, no,” they say, taking their phone back. “I’m still seeing a cry for help. Like, what about this one: ‘All I want is to sleep and pizza and do nothing and sleep’? That sounds pretty depressed.”

    “That was one of those online things where people let auto-complete write a post for them.”

    “Sure, then how do you explain this post, where you describe how you wish the food truck across the street would ‘run you over’ if you ‘tipped extra’ for your burrito before you got back in from lunch?”

    “That’s a really old post I made when I was at my old job. The one I left for this job! I made that joke to vent. Other people liked it.” Specifically two people: a friend, and the food truck’s company (which you presume auto-likes any mention of their brand).

    Your manager sighs as they shake their head.

    “Come on, now, you don’t have to hide. You can be honest.” They lean in again. “This is sophisticated software; it wouldn’t lie. Its algorithm combed through your life and crunched the numbers. You are depressed. And, if you’re feeling depressed, we want to make sure the company isn’t placing any undue stress on you. Wouldn’t want you turning around and saying we’re unfair, or that we torment you with public speaking, huh?” No one laughs at their non-joke. The HR rep briefly writes something on their notepad. “Right. Well, when we ask you to hand the presentation off to Robert, it’s not just because we want it to turn out well, it’s because we want you to be well, too.”

    “You’re punishing me because of memes?” you ask, unsure of how much incredulity you can show without further risking your job.

    “Oh, no, of course not,” they reply, “we would never!” At this point your manager doesn’t even try to hide that they’re assuring the HR rep more than they’re talking to you. “This company does not punish depression. In fact,” they add, turning back to you, “why don’t you take the rest of the day off? We’ll mark it down as a sick day, a day for ‘personal care’, even.” They nod to themself, satisfied. “I’ll mark it down in your time sheet right now.”

    They pull out their phone and begin typing, finished with this meeting. You want to tell them not to do that, since you only have a limited number of sick days, but feel there’d be no use arguing. You stand up, at a loss for words. As you slowly turn to leave you find the HR rep is pointing towards the printer in the room. It prints off something you deduce they sent remotely. It appears to be a pamphlet. The person in the monitor motions for you to pick it up, their face set in the textbook definition of a polite smile. The pamphlet is titled Dealing with Depression.

    Your smartwatch pings as you grab the pamphlet and the screen displays an ad for succulents. You turn the watch off.

    You don’t feel like going home right away. You instead head to a nearby cafe and order the kind of sugary latte you know isn’t worth the high price and higher calorie count, but you could use the comfort. There are no real baristas here, only machines that charge you extra to print a picture of yourself onto the latte foam. You pay the extra amount. You then sign on to the free wifi, checking off the terms and conditions you didn’t read, and take a picture of your cup to share online. Not five minutes of browsing later you get a call from your mom. You plug in your headset and answer.

    “Are you alright?” she asks.

    “Yeah, how do you mean?” You wonder why everyone’s asking you that today.

    “Because you’re not at work!” You realize now that the picture you just posted is location-tagged. “And I know what kind of drinks you like when you’re feeling sad; I’m your mother, after all.” You should’ve never accepted her friend request.

    “No, it’s not that, it’s just… I’m alright. Working from home today, but I figured I’d grab a coffee. That’s all, I promise.”

    You don’t think she believes you but her silence tells you she won’t push if you don’t want to tell her the truth. You instead get a notification on your phone that your mom has sent you a “poke”, a feature that only moms still remember exists. She breaks the silence first.

    “Well, okay then,” she offers, “if you say so. Anyways, there was something else I wanted to ask you about.” Her tone gets conspiratorial for her next question. “Are you and Jamie dating?”

    “What?!” You nearly choke on your latte. “No! Why do you think that?”

    “Your aunts told me,” she answers plainly. “And, apparently, some of their friends told them first. They’re still not used to, you know, those kinds of relationships.” As progressive as your mom can be, her age and upbringing still show from time to time.

    “I don’t even know my aunts’ friends, why would they think I’m dating Jamie?”

    “They saw your picture online.”

    You rub your eye, annoyed.

    “What picture, mom?”

    “Well,” she starts, and if phones still had cords you could imagine your mom twirling hers now, wrapping her finger as she shares the gossip, “you see, one of your aunts’ friends was online and saw you as a suggested friend.” You never understood what algorithms determined those suggestions. “She was curious, so she went in and browsed your page. There it was, a photo of the two of you, looking pretty close and cozy.”

    You check your account on your phone. There’s no way someone randomly looking you up online could’ve seen that photo. Although, how many times did the site tell you they were updating their privacy policy and you opted to skip the details of what that meant?

    “Mom, didn’t you see that picture yourself before? That was just Jamie and me playing around. You know we’re just friends.”

    “Yes, I thought it was nothing. But, those friends of your aunts talk a lot, and they do seem very convinced. I looked at the picture again and it got me thinking.” Her tone gets conspiratorial again. “Are you dating Jamie? I’d have nothing against it. Your father, though…” You block the headset mic to hide your exasperated sigh, and then interrupt before she can finish the thought.

    “We’re not close, mom, not like that. My aunts and their friends are making up stories.” You wonder how scrutinized any future pictures you post will be. Maybe you should restrict how much of your profile your mom can access. You’ll have to figure out the new privacy settings first.

    “Yes, fine, you’re right. I’m simply saying they sounded convinced, is all.” You can almost picture her busying herself with some chores at home to prove that she’s over it. And yet she adds, “I will say, though, that if you were with Jamie, I’d be very supportive. Jamie’s lovely, and would be lucky to have you.”

    You hide another exasperated sigh and change the topic. When she’s had her fill of catching up, your mom says goodbye and you hang up.

    You sit in the cafe, your mouth contorted in contemplation save for when you sip from your cup. You thought you were good at keeping your personal and online lives separate, but thanks to dubious algorithms and out-of-touch inquirers, your agency at work has been diminished and your sexuality is being questioned by people who’d be less than understanding. Even if you restrict who gets access to your information, what little slips through the cracks is still interpreted without context. Is that what the internet is now? For people to be data-mined so other people can make assumptions? Who wanted it that way?

    Your phone sets off with another notification, informing you that a local indoor plant store has followed you online. They specialize in succulents.

    You almost laugh out loud at the insanity of it. Of course; this hunt for data is mostly the hunt for ad revenue. While it’s a marvel how fervently someone on the other side of the screen wants to believe they understand you, advertisers are the ones who set the system up. And even they can’t seem to get it right!

    The fever of frustration breaks, giving way to a fever of defiance. Why leave room to be misinterpreted? You decide to live your online life unabashedly and unafraid to share all. Will someone be tracking your moves? You don’t care, but if they are you hope they can keep up.

    You grab your phone and browse with fury and determination. You share news articles and let your political leanings lay bare as you never had before. You hit “publish” on every dumb joke and inane thought you had previously hid shamefully as drafts. You post all of the pictures in your phone, and when you’re done with those you take a couple more. You follow musicians, actors, and influencers alike, so that no one would have to guess what your tastes are. You join in as many forum conversations as you can, and only stop when a person you’re arguing with, who has an anime-girl profile picture, threatens to dox you. You log off.

    When you finally get home you’re bleary eyed from unblinking browsing and shaky from the excess of caffeine. You want nothing more than to decompress. As you turn on your TV to search for something to stream and zone out to, you call out to your virtual assistant device and say, “Play something soothing.”

    Though your command was vague, as the speakers turn on they start playing exactly what you only now realize you had in mind. You love this band, even if you hadn’t thought of them in a while. Your phone goes off with a notification that this band has a concert coming up soon. As if on instinct triggered by serendipity, you click the notification to buy tickets.

    While browsing various streaming services on your TV you come across several documentaries that you’ve heard confirm a lot of opinions you’ve had on the state of things. While you’d love to be proven correct, you’re more in the mood for something light. You wonder if they have this one funny movie that’s a reboot of a movie that’s based on a book. Before you can remember the title you see it listed. You hit play.

    Ultimately, modern movie watching entails being on your phone, so you scroll through whatever new content was uploaded on your commute home. While you idly browse, you find another tailored ad, this time for a t-shirt boldly claiming that people born the same month as you are kind yet shouldn’t be messed with, each line in a different garish font.

    “Ha,” you laugh to yourself, “what a stupid ad.” Even after all the data you gave them, advertisers are no better than your manager or your aunts, thinking they know you and what’s best for you.

    Suddenly the page you’re on refreshes. What loads first is the ad, this time for a different shirt that’s admittedly more your style. The tagline reads, “Your life, your look.” Unsettled by the coincidence and feeling like you’ve found yourself in a conversation with your phone you didn’t know you were having, you try to click on a different link. More content loads just at that moment, though, shifting the layout of the page and leading you to click on the ad instead. Surprised, you fumble with your phone to close what’s popped up, but as your panicked fingers slip your phone decides you mean to go through with the order. You adjust your hold on your phone but somehow manage to set off a biometric scan that confirms the purchase.

    As if queued by your consumerist momentum, an ad interrupts the movie you’re watching (since when did this streaming service have ads?). The volume seems to increase on its own as the TV blares at you.

    “You don’t necessarily feel you age, so why look your age? Our skin cream can miraculously take 5 years off your face, letting your inner youth shine through.” The ad shows a model before and after using the cream. It makes a specific point of telling you the model’s age, which is your age.

    You search frantically for the remote to turn the volume down. No matter what angle you point the remote at it, the TV refuses to recognize your button pushing. You get up and simply turn off the TV manually. This gives your virtual assistant device space to chime in with a separate ad.

    “Tired of the long commute to your workplace? Find more free time while moving into one of the fastest growing neighbourhoods that’s perfect for you.” The voice emanating from your speakers describes listings in a building that you recognize is half a block away from your office. You run to unplug the device.

    One by one more “smart” appliances in your home, devices that you now question their need for internet connectivity, begin to play or display ads that were made to appeal to you exactly.

    “Our energy efficient windows fit your green lifestyle!” your thermostat boasts, citing a climate change article you just read.

    “Let us deliver the groceries you need for the recipes you love!” your fridge demands, listing off your actual favourite recipes.

    “Bzzt!” vibrates your electric toothbrush, calling you to look at its charger’s digital screen and see an ad for a dental clinic, featuring a close up of a mouth you’re weirdly certain is actually yours.

    As your apartment comes alive with the sounds of aggressive advertising, you’re terrified. You step out onto the balcony. You think to yourself, and only to yourself, that you need to get away.

    A delivery drone floats up from under your balcony and stops right at your eye level. It’s been outfitted with a display monitor. It plays a video.

    “Looking for a vacation?” it asks. “Why not fly out to Pasadena, California? You can visit the Cactus & Succulent Society of America’s annual show and sale!”

[starring-movies]

Killing Eve: Episode Analysis

*SPOILERS*

Season 3, Episode 6 - End of Game

The episode begins by continuing on with the storyline that got left off in S3E4, and we find that Niko has survived the ‘pitchforking’, is on a ventilator and is not able to speak. We also find out that Niko’s father, Maciek, doesn’t like (and has never liked) Eve because he thought she would be a “great big ball ache” for Niko - which turns out to be an understatement, considering everything that he’s been through since being with Eve.

We then carry on with Villanelle, who we find out is back from Russia, and attending the meeting with a representative from The Twelve, which Dasha told her about in S2E4.

When Hélène (the representative from The Twelve) arrives, she’s in the middle of a phone conversation with her daughter. From their conversation we are told that Hélène’s daughter fell off her scooter and hurt her “minou”, but Hélène says to her mother that she doesn’t “have time for this”, that her daughter is just “doing all this to get our attention” and she should just “put some cream on it, that’ll calm her a bit”.

This conversation that Hélène has with her daughter is a reflection of how she, and The Twelve, are choosing to deal with Villanelle. Villanelle is equivalent to Hélène’s daughter, who is in their opinion “doing all this to get our attention”; and so they “put some cream on it” by only pretending to promote her to a keeper, just so they can placate her and “calm her a bit”.

Hélène’s conversation, with her mother and daughter, is obviously also a sensitive subject for Villanelle, who is still dealing with having just returned from killing her mother. Listening to Hélène’s conversation (with three generation’s of her family’s women: the grandma, Hélène herself and Hélène’s daughter), will remind Villanelle of the maternal gap in her life; and Hélène will especially remind Villanelle of her own mother, due to the lack of concern and understanding that she gives to her daughter after falling over.

In this scene, it’s also clear that Villanelle is not her usual self, not only from her ragged appearance, but also as she asks Hélène up front, “are you trying to seduce me?”. Ordinarily, Villanelle would revel in the attention that she’s getting and join in with any flirtations. However, the blatant way in which Villanelle just asks Hélène if she’s trying to seduce her, after thinking that she might be, demonstrates how she’s not in the headspace to want to partake in or enjoy any games and is just looking to get straight to the point of the meeting.

When we return back to Eve, who is now back at Bitter Pill investigating who pitchforked Niko, we get a little glimpse at how much Eve and Villanelle have come to know and understand one another. Jamie asks Eve if Villanelle would have stabbed Niko “to torture” her, but Eve says “not like this”.

Eve never even entertains the idea that Villanelle could have been the one to harm Niko, because she knows Villanelle well enough now and she knows that Villanelle knows she’s not allowed to harm Niko - she also knows that Villanelle knows that this is not to torture her, as she’s been torturing her since they met and she knows that her “torture” of Eve is more flirtatious and like a game between the two of them.

Out of anger and frustration, Eve then goes to the building’s vending machine to buy an out of date muffin, and as she’s assaulting the machine for a KitKat, Bear tells her that “sometimes you need to just let it win”. Bear is referring to everything going wrong in Eve’s life - that she was tricked into going to Poland just to watch Niko being stabbed, that she’s alone, that she’s homeless and that her friends are dead - but his advice can also be applied to Eve’s darkness and her acceptance of it. Eve’s been fighting off and pushing away the existence of her darkness for the last two seasons, but like Bear says, “sometimes you need to just let it win”, which is what Eve is finally able to do at the end of S3E8.

After Bear gives Eve the advice “to just let it win”, the KitKat finally falls out of the machine. It wasn’t Eve’s persistent battering of the machine that made the KitKat drop down; but it was her submitting and letting the KitKat win, after Bear told her that that’s what she should do, that led to her getting the KitKat. In the same way, this scene suggests that once Eve gives in and is able to accept her darkness, which she finally does in S3E8, everything will similarly ‘fall into place’ for her.

We then see Konstantin and Villanelle discussing Konstantin’s escape, and Konstantin asks her if she realises she will have to leave everything behind, “the clothes, apartment, and her” and Villanelle tell him “I know”. We can see from this that Villanelle values her freedom above everything and now (after everything that happened in Russia) considers Konstantin to be her only family; and she’s willing to leave Eve behind forever, if it means that she has her freedom.

It isn’t until S3E8 that Villanelle realises that there is no-one that cares for her as much as Eve, and so she decides that Konstantin is not her family and by not choosing to leave with him, she makes the decision that Eve is worth sacrificing her freedom for.

When Villanelle goes to visit Irina at school, she asks “is he a pervert” about Irina’s mother’s new boyfriend. This is a little reference to S1E8, when Irina asks Villanelle “are you a paedophile”.

We can also see the influence that Villanelle has on Irina and how alike they are becoming. Villanelle frankly suggests to Irina that “if he’s that bad kill him”, but she is the one who takes Irina driving (to try to find out where Konstantin is planning to escape to) and Irina ends up killing her mother’s boyfriend by running him over in a car.

Another small detail is that In S1E8, Irina tells Villanelle “I don’t know yet” when she is asked if she’s a “bad person” - it seems the answer may now be becoming apparent.

We then move on to Carolyn’s interrogation of Konstantin, concerning his involvement with Kenny and Geraldine. After Konstantin tells Carolyn that Kenny supposedly asked him if he was Kenny’s father, ‘Dido’s Lament’ (aka. ‘When I am Laid in Earth’) from the opera ‘Dido and Aeneas’, starts playing. The opera is based on the epic ‘The Aeneid’, by the author Virgil. The story is about Dido who falls with Aeneas and kills herself from grief, when she is subsequently abandoned by him.

Carolyn’s silence after Konstantin reveals this to her, suggests that there’s a possibility that Konstantin is Kenny’s father. We know from S3E8 that Konstantin went to go see Kenny because he had been investigating The Twelve’s amounts, but it’s still likely that Kenny also did ask if Konstantin was his father (just like how Konstantin tells Carolyn that Geraldine kissed him, which was true, but omits that he perused her to find out information on what Carolyn was doing). ‘Dido’s Lament’ was also used in S3E2, to portray Carolyn’s grief over losing Kenny as well as her guilt at being unable to investigate his death. Whereas in this scene, the song is used once again to portray Carolyn’s grief, but it’s also used this time for her probable guilt for Kenny being Konstantin’s child and her not telling him.

We also get the parallels of two interrogations taking place in cars. Villanelle takes Irina driving, in order to find out that Konstantin in planning on escaping to Cuba; and Carolyn takes Konstantin for a drive, in order to interrogate him about his involvement with Kenny and Geraldine. The choice for Villanelle and Carolyn to use cars (cars are thought of to be fast and dangerous) to get the information they’re looking for, highlights the urgency as well as the danger and risk, that is linked with the information that they’re trying to find out - Konstantin’s escape plan is risky and Konstantin associating with Kenny and Geraldine is dangerous for them.

When Eve goes to Barcelona, to have a game of bowling with Dasha and ask about Villanelle, Dasha tells Eve that Villanelle is a “perfect killing machine, that’s all she’s there for, that’s all she knows” and be says “I don’t think so”. Just like Eve’s comment to Jamie - that Villanelle wouldn’t torture her “like this” - her comment that killing isn’t all Villanelle’s good for, or is all she knows, again emphasises how much more Eve has come to understand her.

Before Dasha leaves, she tells Eve that it’s the “end of game”, which is the title of the episode. This is a triple entendre: for Dasha saying that it’s the end of Eve’s game with The Twelve because she will never be able to win against them, for it being the end of their game of bowling, and it also signifies the end of Villanelle and Eve’s cat and mouse game because they eventually decide to accept that they have to be a part of one another’s lives.

After Villanelle’s disastrous kill in Romania, Dasha finds her back in her Barcelona apartment, where she’s having a breakdown and trying to attend to the stab wound in her arm. Villanelle tells Dasha “I don’t want to do this anymore”, which she said exactly in S1E5 and again repeats to Eve on the bridge in S3E8, saying in similar words “I don’t want to do it anymore, any of it”.

We also get an overhead shot of Villanelle as she’s sitting on her bathroom floor, contemplating where her life is leading her. The shot evokes the imagery of the tarot card, the Hanged Man. The definition I found here was, “The Hanged Man calls you to release the old mental models and behavioural patterns that no longer serve you so you can see your world from a new perspective and embrace new opportunities that would have otherwise been hidden from you. The Hanged Man can sometimes reflect that you are feeling stuck or restricted in your life”.

From this we can see that the choice to use this imagery, is to show us how Villanelle has come to a point where she wants to move on from her old life and what used to make her happy, as she has a new perspective. However, because of her working for The Twelve, she is stuck in her situation and can’t see a way to break out from their control over her.

We then get a short scene of Eve choosing to visit Niko in hospital one last time and then presumably leaving him forever, which is what Niko asked her to do at the beginning of the episode. The scene is very short but has a lot of symbolism in it.

We see a shot of Eve, from outside the hospital room, as she watches Niko sleeping and then turns and leaves. Her reflection can be seen in the glass of the hospital room wall, as if there is two of her: her past self (or an alternative self), who is in the hospital room with Niko and looking back at her; and then there’s her actual self, who stands outside the room, separated from those on the other side by the wall.

Her reflection in the glass is washed out and faint, showing us how her past self was merely a shade of the person she actually is; whereas her actual self is obviously much more vibrant (because it’s real), showing us how this is who she really is and who she’s always been deep down. Her decision to walk away from Niko and her past self is a very significant one, as it marks her active decision to move away from her old life and her final acceptance of the person that she has been trying to push away, for her whole life.

When Eve decides to let go of Niko, the song playing over the scene is ‘Boy and Girl’ by Unloved. The lyrics that can be heard are:

“There was a girl,

Who loved a boy,

And then they lived,

And then they laughed,

'till the time they cried,

So they fell,

Out of love,

To the depths,

Of the sea,

Where lovers tears,

Swell and swim,

Together for,

Eternity”

The lyrics that we hear communicate the journey of Eve and Niko’s relationship and how it has run it’s course. They were once happy and fell in love with each other, but then they gradually grew apart to different paths and fell out of love.

You can read my previous Killing Eve posts here:-

First Introduction to Villanelle

First Introduction to Eve

S1, E1 - Nice Face

S1, E2 - I’ll Deal With Him Later

S1, E3 - Don’t I Know You?

S1, E4 - Sorry Baby

S1, E5 - I Have a Thing about Bathrooms

S1, E6 - Take Me to the Hole!

S1, E7 - I Don’t Want to Be Free

S1, E8 - God, I’m Tired

S2, E1 - Do You Know How to Dispose of a Body?

S2, E2 - Nice and Neat

S2, E3 - The Hungry Caterpillar

S2, E4 - Desperate Times

S2, E5 - Smell Ya Later

S2, E6 - I Hope You Like Missionary!

S2, E7 - Wide Awake

S2, E8 - You’re Mine

S3, E1 - Slowly Slowly Catchy Monkey

S3, E2 - Management Sucks

S3, E3 - Meetings Have Biscuits

S3, E4 - Still Got It

S3, E5 - Are You From Pinner? [Part 1]

S3, E5 - Are You From Pinner? [Part 2]

S3, E7 - Beautiful Monster

S3, E8 - Are You Leading or Am I? [Part 1]

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[mymelodyheart]

Forget Me Not Chapter 28 ~Stags and Hens~

Claire looked in the mirror.  No freaking way! 

Geillis had lent her a dress that emphasised her burgeoning curves when she would have preferred something loose. Turning sideways, she glanced once more at her reflection. Although she had gained weight and had a slight tummy, she didn't look pregnant at all.  Curvy, yes.  She turned around to check out her behind and admired the snug fit over the swell of her arse. Even her breasts had filled out, and the dress fitted her front in all the right places.

Before her pregnancy, she had always been thin and lanky, and her height had only accentuated her leanness. And now, much to her pleasant surprise, her curves filled the dress quite nicely.

Her hands absentmindedly smoothed the dress down and bit her lip.  What will Jamie think? Is the dress too daring?

She let out a big sigh and thought about changing, but she realised Geillis wouldn't allow it. She would probably march her right back into her bedroom and wait until she chose another outfit. Might as well embrace the look, she thought. After all, this was her hen night.

The printed black minidress barely skimmed the top of her knees, and the black suede knee-high boots boasted chunky heels making her even taller. The scooped neckline exposed an ample amount of cleavage, revealing plenty of creamy white skin. Completing the look, she donned on a leather jacket to give the whole outfit a less formal appearance. 

She squinted at her face. Mascara darkened her lashes, the blush highlighted her cheekbones and the red lipstick brought out the paleness of her skin and the honey gold of her eyes. Usually tied up in a bun, she left her curls loose.  Not bad, Beauchamp!

Claire was determined to enjoy her bachelorette night and put the incident with Geneva behind her. The episode of that fateful night had definitely scarred her for life. But not quite as much as what Isobel had to endure. Earlier, she had paid her a visit at the hospital. Horrified at the damage that was inflicted on her skin, Claire had almost cancelled her wedding to Jamie. However, she made a promise to Isobel.

"Don't let my sister win, Claire. If you cancel your wedding because of what happened to me, then you're helping Geneva achieve her goal by disrupting your life. She may be locked up in jail, but she can still hold power over you if you allow it. Go ahead with the wedding and don't allow what I tried to stop from happening to be in vain. Promise me, Claire."

And so Claire promised. If Isobel was brave enough to face what was coming ahead of her, then she too will dig deep and find that courage.

Loud voices caught her attention and brought her back to the present. Taking a deep breath, Claire grabbed her clutch and came out of her bedroom. Three pair of eyes settled on her as soon as she walked into the living space.

Geillis let out a high-pitched squeal and clapped. "Oh, Claire, that dress is perfect! Ye have some killer curves on ye. I knew it would suit ye. What do ye think, lads?"

Feeling conscious, Claire tugged the edge of her jacket. "Thank you. The material feels lovely, and I wasn't so sure if I could pull it off."

"Ach, ye dinna ken how to buy a dress in yer size. Ye always buy a size too big. It's yers now. That dress is more for a leggy person like ye."

Willie smiled and kissed her on the forehead. "Ye look fabulous, Claire. I hope ye girls have fun tonight."

"Thanks, Willie. And you too."

She waited for Jamie's response, but his face remained inscrutable. Holding her breath, she watched him approach and slid his hands underneath her jacket to pull her against him. Careful not to ruin her makeup, he gave a feather-light kiss on her cheek. "Ye look stunning, Sassenach," he whispered, for her ears only. "I feel like saying, zip up this jacket because yer tits are quite an eyeful. Instead, I'm going to be an understanding fiance, suck it up like a good man and wish ye a fun-filled hen party." And then he turned his head towards Geillis. "...and hopefully, not too rowdy. She's pregnant, mind?" he said in a louder voice.

She tried her best to suppress her amusement. Cupping Jamie's face with both hands, he turned his face towards her. "Well, Mr Fraser, I wish you a lovely evening too. I heard the lads in the kitchen arranged ...uhm, let say an interesting stag-do for you. Something that involves ... a dancer?"

Jamie groaned as he ran a hand through his hair. "I have no idea about a dancer, I swear. To be honest, I'd rather skip this part and have a quiet evening with ye ..."

"Oh no, ye don't," Geillis disagreed, seizing Claire's hand before Jamie could give her any ideas. "Ye have a lifetime ahead of ye to spend time together. I'm not lettin' ye take this away from me."

Willie laughed out loud. "Come on, Jamie. We best get going. The cab is waiting for us outside."

A loud beeping echoed down the street. 

"That's our ride, princess," Geillis announced, tugging Claire's hand once more.

"Oh by the way, where are ye going?" Jamie called out to their retreating backs.

"None of yer business! This is Claire's evening and nae lads allowed. Ye have yer own evening to worry about. See ye later and don't wait up for us!"

As the girls stepped outside, a white stretched limousine was already in the driveway with a bunch of giggly, happy women waving through the tinted windows. On the other side of the street were two cabs waiting for Jamie and Willie.

A tingle of exhilaration shimmered down Claire's spine. Ignoring the howls and whistles from Jamie's friends in the other vehicles, they climbed into their limo. Scents of mingled perfume, alcohol and feminine excitement floated in the air. Jenny, Louise and three other friends from her college were dressed to impress, and they each had a plastic flute of champagne. Claire wished she could have a drink. Instead, she grabbed a bottle of water Geillis offered to her.

Drinks flowed, and gossips were exchanged as they were driven to their destination. After eating and partying at a Cabaret show, they piled back in the limo and hit a gay strip bar where they danced and partied some more. Although Claire couldn't join in the girls' drinking fest, she had a great time.

Their last stop was their village pub which was walking distance from their house. As they went in, they were quickly ushered to the backroom. The place was bursting to the seams, and the music blared loudly from the speakers. Claire's friends were already half-way drunk, and they were soon joined by more females from the hotel who just got off work to celebrate with them.

Geillis bumped into her, spilling some of her drink. "Are ye ready for the main event? Louise arranged it."

"I know it's a male stripper. I overheard the plan," Claire cringed. "I don't want a naked man pawing me. As my best friend and maid of honour, you need to step up and be my wingman."

"Wing woman ye mean," Geillis hiccuped, as she took a sip of her cocktail. "Mmmm, this is so good and extra fruity. So ye overheard the plan, aye?"

Claire motioned to the chair in the middle of the room. "Well, a pretend cop is supposed to come in and tell us off for being boisterous, and then drags me to that chair so he can writhe all over me. Not my idea of fun!"

"Sounds like a solid plan to me."

Claire glared, but the effect was lost when Geillis slurped her drink. "I need you to take the hit for me. When the stripper comes in, you take my place. Please!"

Another hiccup. "I don't look like ye though," Geillis pointed out.

"It doesn't matter. Everyone's drunk. No one will notice. The girls just want to see a naked body."

"Aye, about that. Ye invited all the female staff from the hotel. Of course, they'll want to see a naked body."

Claire grinned. "Well, they missed out on the fun because they had to work. So I guess the stripper is the next best thing. So, are you going to do it? Take my place?"

"Hell no! In as much as I would love to have a hot body gyrating in front of me, Louise will kill me if I took yer place. This is her gift for ye. I'm not going to be the one to spoil her pressie."

"Damn it! I wish I could drink to numb my brain. Fine! I'll do it, but it doesn't mean I have to enjoy it."

Geillis pressed a noisy kiss on her cheek. "Dinna fash, lass. It will be a bloody laugh. Oh, here, ye'll need a lot of these." Her friend stuffed a handful of pound notes into her fist.

"Yay, me. I finally get to stick money in a bloke's G-string. I can tick off an item from my bucket list," she muttered sarcastically.

Geillis gave her a sympathetic look. "This one is for ye. Have a drink," she said, handing her cocktail from a nearby bar table. "I ordered it. It's a Virgin Colada. I promised Jamie no alcohol will touch yer lips, but this is yummy."

Claire smiled and softened up as she took a sip from her non-alcoholic beverage. "Sorry for sounding ungrateful and being a grump about the stripper. You girls have pulled off a fabulous party for me, and I appreciate it."

Geillis quickly hugged her before raising her glass. "Ach, it's nae bother. What are friends for. Here's to friendship!"

"Friends forever!"

Their glasses clinked and tipped over, and a third of their drinks spilt on the floor. They looked at each other and burst into giggles before they heard a loud shriek coming from Louise. 

"What!?! What do you mean the stripper isn't coming?"

..........

Jamie, Willie and their friends entered their local village pub. They have been bar-hopping in the neighbouring towns all evening, drinking, and playing pool and darts. Since they all lived nearby, they had decided to stop by for one last drink before heading home. The place was packed and loud as expected of a Bank Holiday weekend. 

Although he had wanted a more subdued bachelor's party, it felt great to hang out with his brother and closest male acquaintances. The only time their party became rowdy was when Jamie was presented with a lap dancer at one of the bars. With phone cameras readily accessible and thinking of how it would look like in the social media, he waivered his right as the man of the hour to his friend, Rupert, who was only too happy to oblige. The last thing he needed was a picture of him in an uncompromising situation. 

At the bar, Willie ordered a round of pints and shots for the stag party. Jamie was about to reach for his drink when screams ran through the pub, making everyone crane their necks to look at the commotion. The backroom, usually used for private parties, was lively. Music blared, and he caught a swarm of short skirts, swishing hair and loud revelry.

"Bloody hen party. They're all from yer hotel," the bartender explained as if reading his thoughts. "One of the lasses ordered a male stripper, but I just got a phone call from the lad saying he cannae make it. He came down with the flu or something. I just told one of them, and she wasn't too pleased. When they all hear about it, I'm dead meat. It's all paid for."

A grin tugged at Willie's lips as he looked at Jamie. "Ach, our hens are in there. I remember Geillis saying something about Louise ordering a stripper. Do ye think Claire will be disappointed?" 

Before he could reply, a resounding slap hit him on the back. "Weel, Jamie lad, perhaps she'll be disappointed or maybe not. How about giving those lasses something to remember, aye?" Murtagh sallied. "Do a striptease for yer bride. It'll be a story worth telling yer future grandchildren one day."

"If ye're not up for it, I wouldn't mind doing it," Rupert interrupted, joining in the banter and shaking his hips.

Something wicked lit up in him. Inebriated and feeling bold, he playfully shoved his mate on the shoulder. "Aye, that'll be right! No fucking way are ye going anywhere near my Claire. I'm doing it."

Everyone in their party hooted and chanted his name.

"Get in there lad and claim yer bride!"

"Aw, c'mon, Fraser. In a couple of days, she's all yers. I just want to show the lass what she'll be missing once ye're both hitched," Rupert whined, feigning disappointment.

Jamie drained his beer and signalled for another round. "I got this pal. Go get yersel' yer own bride," he grinned, shrugging off his jacket.

"Hey, I have the lad's costume here at the back if ye're doing it. He's about yer size so ye'll have no trouble fitting in it. There's also a wig and a pair of aviator's glasses," the bartender offered, pointing his thumb over his shoulder.

Jamie nodded and made his way to the room behind the bar. It didn't take long before he was kitted into a snug-fitting, fake police uniform. Glancing at the small mirror, he was thrilled at how the black wig, cap and the aviator's glasses concealed his identity nicely. It was a good thing he had shaved off his beard as it would have ruined his disguise. Satisfied, he went back to his friends and was greeted with howls of laughter and cheers. After drinking a couple of shots of whisky, the stag party, led by Jamie, made their way to the back room.

Jamie reached the door, and a petite brunette stumbled out on teetering heels and ran into his chest. He caught her on time. She was one of the staff from the restaurant in their hotel. Her blue eyes sparkled and widened at the sight of him, but there was no trace of recognition. "Ladies!" she screeched as a round of giggles floated past. "Get the music ready!" 

Someone grabbed his hand and led him into the room.

He frowned, alcohol dulling his brain for a moment. Then he remembered why he was there. He looked around and found himself in a snake pit. His brother and friends had disappeared into the dark corners, and he was surrounded by women.

There were lots and lots of women, and most of them he knew, but no one recognised him, most probably because of their intoxicated state. They stared at him like he was a feast served on a silver platter. The group started to scream and stamp their heels on the floor.

"He's here!" Louise yelled. "Get ready for an arrest, ladies!"

A lone chair stood in the centre of the circle under the bright light. Suddenly, Joe Cocker's  You Can Leave Your Hat On  blared through the speakers.  Aaah, shite, what have I gotten myself into?

"Take it off, lad!"

"I'm breaking the law, darling, come on over here!"

Louise giggled and crooked her finger. "I've been awfully bad, officer. And I'm concealing a deadly weapon. Come frisk me!" He nearly ran out of the room when she began to jiggle her breasts at him.

He was drunk, and the women were even more so. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Jamie was about to turn around and end the charade when Geillis shook her head in annoyance and yanked his arm. She seemed irritated by his inaction. Obviously, she too was too drunk to recognise him.

"Listen, pal. My mates and I paid good money for ye," she whispered venomously. "Ye look good enough to eat but don't just stand there. Give us a show. We won't bite."

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!  "Listen, this is a mistake," Jamie started. 

Geillis rolled her eyes. "Ach, for crying out loud. Just take yer shirt off, dance a bit and arrest someone. I promise I'll tip ye extra. Oh, curly tops Claire is the bride, she is hiding over there." She pointed her finger at her friend, squashed between two other girls with a scared look at her face.  Aah, Sassenach!

"She doesn't look interested," he said. "Maybe getting her a stripper wasn't such a bright idea, huh?"

Geillis glowered at him. "For fuck sake, I'm sorry if ye're suddenly shy and want to retreat, but ye're here now. Just take some clothes off, shimmy yer hips and make the lassies happy. Deal?" He was about to open his mouth to tell her there won't be any clothes taken off, but she clapped her hands. "Alright, ladies, our hot copper is ready. Claire, get yer arse on the chair."

The group screamed and whistled and stamped their feet. Pound notes waved madly in the air. Women danced provocatively to the beat, waiting for him to start stripping.

He turned his attention to Claire and watched her walk to the centre. She weaved her way through screaming women, and instead of sitting on the chair, she positioned herself right in front of him. He wondered if she would see through his disguise since she was the only sober person in the room.

Without the leather jacket, her dress clung to her curves like a second skin, and her front showed far too much cleavage. As enticing as she looked, Jamie was glad the stripper didn't come and that his friends were in the far end of the room. With her long legs clad in knee-high boots, her hair all loose, and pouty lips painted red, his future wife looked sexy as hell. She was all tits, legs and curves.

Ignoring the noise and urging of the crowd, he stared helplessly at her, completely intoxicated, besotted and aroused all at the same time.

Her teeth pulled at her lower lip, and she frowned. "Jamie?"

He let out a sigh of relief. "Sssh, the lassies don't know it's me. I was told at the bar the stripper couldn't come, so I took his place. I ken it's a stupid drunken idea..."

A giggle escaped her lips. "Louise hired a cop stripper. I begged Geillis to take my place, but she wouldn't have any of it." Her head tipped up and down to look at him. "I'm glad now she didn't take my place. That uniform looks incredibly hot on you, and I'm afraid you do look like a stripper."

He moved closer. "You think?"

"Yes."

The women roared their frustration, chanting for him to strip.

"What should I do?"

"I can see you brought the stag party with you. Why not give them a show," Claire replied, looking over his shoulder.

Surprised at her bold request, he grinned. "Be careful what you wish for, Sassenach," he warned in a low voice.

Claire took a step forward to nip at his earlobe, her breath rushing in his ear. "So I've been told often enough." Pulling away, she arched an eyebrow and smiled at him. "Well? Are you putting on a show for the bride-to-be? Or are you chickening out?" 

He didn't know if it was the alcohol or her teasing that pushed him. Without warning, he tossed her over his shoulder and deposited her right on the chair, making her squeal.

The women screamed in delight and the men at the back wolf-whistled. The music rolled out its slow rhythm, but he refused to dance. Instead, his fingers paused at the top of his shirt, stroking slow. As the screams of the crowd got louder, he flicked the button open, making Claire's eyes widened in shock, her lips forming an O shape.

He repeated the motion with the second button, and pound notes started flying through the air and chants of "take it off" vibrated the room. He took no notice of the frenzy and focused intently only on her.

He watched her gaze follow the motions of his hand, her cheeks flushing profusely and her mouth opening and closing as if wanting to say something, but no words came out. "Do ye want me to continue, Sassenach?" 

Even with the deafening noise, she heard him clearly. "Yes," she nodded, looking like she was in a trance.

With slow, deliberate motions, he finished unbuttoning his shirt and slowly parted the material.

The crowd went wild. 

The fact Claire's friends didn't recognise him, emboldened him further. He leaned down and braced his hands on both sides of her chair. "They want more," he said. "Do ye want more?"

She stared into his eyes before answering. "Yes."

Reaching over to pull her to her feet, he grabbed her hands and pressed them to his chest. "Do it for me then, Sassenach." 

In his periphery, he saw Laoghaire taking photos.  What is she doing here? This was a private party.   Then he realised she thought he was just a hired stripper. 

Refocusing on Claire, he felt her hands stroke his abdomen. Her name was chanted in unison, commanding her to take it all off for him. Her fingers traced the edge of his belt buckle, and then she paused. Their gazes locked. "No." Her voice broke. He caught a glimpse of raw possessiveness in her eyes. "I don't want anyone else to see you."

He muttered a vicious curse. "Good because I've had enough of this. I just want to take ye home."

"What are you waiting for? Take me home then, Jamie."

He quickly refastened the buttons on his shirt as loud boos filled the air. Beyond caring, he gathered Claire in his arms and kissed her thoroughly, and when she twined her arms around his neck and kissed him back, he heard the loud gasps of her friends' shock and whistles from the stag group. And more picture snaps from Laoghaire. 

"Claire!" Geillis shouted in disbelief. She tried to stop Laoghaire from taking more photos, thinking her friend was kissing a stranger. But Claire wasn't listening.

"Home it is then. Hang on tight, Sassenach, we'll make this an exit they'll never forget," he said against her lips. When she nodded, he lifted her up, and she held on burrowing her face against his neck.

"Hey, stop! Ye cannae take the bride. Ye're supposed to strip and not haul her like a caveman."

"Too bad. I'm stealing the bride!" Jamie yelled as he fought his way through a crowd of tipsy and bewildered women.

"Stop him!" someone shouted.

He was about to reach for the door when Jenny jumped and blocked their exit. Her cheeks were red and flushed, and her eyes had a determined look. She waved an empty bottle of wine in the air in a threatening manner. "Listen, ye moron. Ye put my sister-in-law down slowly and carefully, and no one will get hurt," she cautioned, in a slurred voice.

"Jenny!" Claire blurted.

"It's alright Claire bear, I got this," Jenny said, swinging her weapon at Jamie. She took a step forward, stopped and blinked. "Huh? Jamie?"

"Aye, it's me," Jamie hissed impatiently. "Can't ye recognise yer own flesh and blood?"

"What the hell!?! It's that bloody wig and those ridiculous glasses! What are ye doing here?"

"Out of the way, we're going," Jamie muttered. He made a move to go past Jenny, but Laoghaire blocked their path and took another picture of them.

"Wait till Jamie sees what ye've been up to," Laoghaire sneered at Claire, waving her phone in one hand.

Jamie was slowly losing patience. He gently put Claire down and confronted the blond girl. "Aye, I ken fine what Claire's been up to," he snapped, wrenching the aviators and plucking the cap and wig from his head and throwing them on the floor. "And ye shouldn't be here. This is a private party, and I don't think ye're invited. Now leave and do something good in yer life for once." 

He felt Claire tugging his arm, but he waited until an embarrassed and speechless Laoghaire was led out of the room by one of his friends, not trusting her to turn his back. When she was finally gone, the whole place erupted in cheers and whistles.

"Jesus, Jamie, all these crazy girls coming out of the woodwork. Do you think we'll ever make it to our wedding without another girl popping up to tear us apart?" Claire asked in exasperation.

Annoyance surged, but he quickly tamped it down. It wasn't his fault, and neither was it Claire's. If he had his way, they would have been married weeks ago and skipped all the frippery that entailed the wedding. He closed the distance between them and pulled her against him. "I know, Sassenach and I'm so sorry. Sometimes grief is a price we pay for love. In the end, we're both stronger because of it."

"I know. And I'm sorry too. I don't have doubts about us. I just don't like people getting hurt." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the lips. "Shall we go? I would like a continuation of that striptease," she teased, trying to lighten the moment. 

Her suggestion made his stomach clench. "Now we're talking," he said in a low voice, a half-smirk tugging at his lips.

Willie slapped him on the back. "Get a room both of ye! Go now, before the mob forces ye to stay," he joked, pulling a tipsy Geillis to his side.

"Aye, go and sorry ...but not sorry for forcing ye to strip," Geillis winked. "Now that everyone knows that it's you, they're even more disappointed that the show is over."

Rupert joined in, followed by a waiter with a tray of drinks. "I hope the party is not over. I just ordered drinks for everyone."

Jamie jerked his thumb towards the group of girls. "I warmed them up. They're all yers now. Claire and I are going." He touched Claire's belly and grinned. "Ye lot are too rowdy for the baby. See ye when I see ye."

Without a backward glance, he led Claire out of the pub, and they walked home hand in hand. Once in the house, they had a little party of their own.

[imagineclaireandjamie]

Deep Within The Darkness Peering. Chapter Two:

Anonymous said to imagineclaireandjamie: Here I am, minding my own business scrolling through when I stumble upon deep within. Already I’m so invested! Thank you for this wonderful story... can’t wait to read more!

--

Well, Anon...you are in luck!

Part 1: Chapter TWO 

It was rare for her to have two days off in a row, her schedule was usually quite packed and often Claire worked back-to-back shifts. Curled under her blankets, she wiggled her toes, basking in the warmth of her heated apartment. The blackout curtains in her bedroom did wonders and she had to pop her head up to see what the actual time was.

Her clock blinked red, ticking over into a new hour as it struck midday. She checked her pager, but was relieved to find that it hadn’t gone off whilst she’d been asleep, before pulling herself up and out of bed.

With nothing much to do, she settled herself into the large window seat in her lounge and pulled her book from her work rucksack. The pages were bent, the spine flaking off as the glue and stitching became visible, it’s age and value showing in irreparable damage to its facia. Claire didn’t worry too much, holding it together between her fingers as she basked in the sound of the wind and rain against the glass.

As she reached the end of the penultimate chapter, the cold tea going unnoticed on the side table, the ring of her phone disrupted the silence of her flat.

It was hard to discern who the caller was as she answered and the line crackled.

“I’m sorry, who is this?” She asked, almost shouting over the white noise as she held the receiver away from her ear.

“It’s Rupert, PC Mackenzie, I got yer number from another nurse I hope ye don’t mind. Mrs Fitz asked me to call. They’re waking Fraser in an hour or so, if ye wanted to be here.”

“Thank you!” She returned before quickly replacing the phone.

She grabbed for her coat as fast as she could, trapping her arms in the fabric as she tried to get out of the front door. It wasn’t a long journey to the hospital, but it was far enough that any small amount of traffic could make it longer than an hour and she desperately wanted to be there. Even without Glenna’s gentle persuasion, Claire felt honour bound to James to be there when he woke up. He had nobody, it seemed, no-one (even though visitors permissions were granted whilst prisoners were in hospital) had called or shown up. Zero. There wasn’t a single person outside of the nurses in the hospital who’d made any move to check if he was alright.

The time of night made Glasgow easy to drive through, and Claire reached the A&E in record time. She was out of her car and by reception as fast as her legs would carry her, the night receptionist smiled at her as she squirted some antibacterial cream into her palms and sprinted down the corridor.

“Nurse Beauchamp…” Dr Bain’s eyebrows raised just a little, his otherwise rigid expression holding firm as she opened the door and entered Fraser’s private suite.

“He’s a patient in my care, doctor, I hope you don’t mind me being here although I’m off shift?” It was a question and a statement all rolled into one, and she breathed a small sigh of relief when he didn’t question her any further on her sudden appearance. Though she knew it wouldn’t be immediate, she hung around until the drips had been removed, waiting until the rest of the medical team had returned to their other duties before pulling a chair to the side of his bed.

The constables on guard gave her the courtesy of standing just outside the door as she listened to the gentle beep of his heart monitor. Occasionally she’d glance up from the magazine she’d grabbed from the nurses station, but mostly she just waited. As the night wore on, part of her -the fatigued, shattered part of herself- thought it might just be best to let him wake up on his own, to go home and rest her mind ready for her new shift. But as she watched him scrunch his face up, his hand gently pulling at the handcuffs that held him against the bed, she knew she’d pay the price of tiredness to ensure that he didn’t wake up alone.

As the clock struck 3am, the tug of chains bought her head up from the horoscope pages and she glanced up to see his blue eyes trained on her. His breathing was shallow, his eyes opening and closing slowly as he adjusted to the light.

“Good morning, Mr Fraser, how are you feeling?” Looking down, she remembered that she wasn’t wearing her scrubs, he had no clue who she was and there was no indication that she’d been nursing him back to health as he slept. “I’m a nurse, sorry about the clothes. D-do you want a drink?” She noticed his confused expression and watched as it cleared and a small smile appeared on his face. Nodding, he swallowed loudly before inhaling deeply.

“Jamie.” He said, finally, his voice raspy and low, “please.”

“Well, Jamie,” she said, holding the fresh glass of water to his lips and letting him take a small sip, “during the shift I’m nurse Beauchamp, but really I’m just Claire…please.”

-- --- --

Though they only managed a few words to one another through her shifts in the week following his awakening, Claire made sure to pop in and see Jamie as much as she could. Occasionally she would sneak some of her lunch snacks in to add some flavour to his otherwise bland diet, more often than not he would smile gently and silently accept her gifts. With his hands bound, he could just about eat by himself but it had taken her a while to acclimatise herself to it. Each time the chains would clink against the plastic bed frame she’d flinch as if struck, a harsh reminder of his predicament. But the more they spoke, the more she found it difficult to believe him as violent as his crime suggested.

“Ye keep coming back.” Rarely did he start conversation with her, though he was always incredibly cordial. Today, though, he seemed subdued, the lack of eye contact made her worry. It was getting closer to his release and she could tell that it was weighing heavily on his mind. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful for the company.”

“Has Dr Bain signed you off yet?” She asked, cautiously, reading through his chart to see if she could find any new additions. Looking him over, she assessed his visible wounds. He’d improved greatly over the last week or so, the swelling on his face had almost completely died down, but one minor infection had stunted his recovery and they were just waiting to make sure the antibiotics were working before releasing him back into the custody of the prison system once more.

“Nah,” he sighed, turning over as best he could and burying his head against the flat pillow, “no’ yet.”

“Jamie?” Moving to his side, she placed the chart back onto the end of the bed before sitting herself so that she could see his face. “What’s wrong?” She felt silly even asking the question, she knew the fate that awaited him once everyone was satisfied that he no longer needed the care of the hospital but it seemed something else was on his mind.

“Ye ken why, aye?” He asked, tugging his wrists upwards as if to highlight the handcuffs.

She nodded, a sad smile adorning her face as her eyes softened. There had been times when she wanted to ask him more about his conviction, but mostly she just wanted to make sure he had the best care whilst she could personally monitor him and that had kept her from enquiring further about his criminal history.

“I had my parole denied yesterday.”

She watched as his adams apple bobbed in his throat, his eyes closing slowly as if to stop himself from breaking down on her. The skin prickled on her arms as she held her hands between her knees. Wanting to comfort him, she held back not knowing whether he would accept any physical contact right now.

“Because of the fight?”

“Aye, although it wasna me who started it and I didna fight back. Six months…” he added, his voice dipping to a whisper as he pursed his lips, his nose scrunching as he tried to hold back the anguish.

“How long will it be until you can apply again?”

“Two years, and then another six months of waiting...or longer.”

He sounded so hopeless and something much darker lingered behind his eye as he tried to hide from her gaze.

“What are you going back to Jamie?” She asked without even realising it. His head snapped up, his pupils dilating as the door swung open.

Doctor Bain strode in, Glenna following closely behind him a serious look on her face as she passed Bain the chart.

“The infection has subsided enough, Mr Fraser. We’ve agreed that tomorrow you’ll be discharged. There is still some residual healing to be done, but that can be cared for onsite. Your injuries are no longer life threatening though you’ll need to make sure the wounds are well dressed and cleaned regularly - but the nurse over at the prison will be able to assist you with that. Good luck.”

With one nod to Claire, he placed the file back in its holder at the end of Jamie’s bed and left as quickly as he’d appeared, Glenna in tow.

“Thank ye, Claire,” he was so quiet that she barely heard him, “for yer kindness towards me. I’ll be forever in your debt.” There was a bleak finality about his words, an unknown darkness filling the air around them as the mood in the room shifted dramatically. She could almost feel the pain that was etched on his face as his eyes filled with moisture, a slow blink clearing the tears as he lay flat, his gaze now concentrated on the plain ceiling tiles above them.

She wanted to say something, anything, to soothe him, but her mouth was dry, her head devoid of conversation. Rolling her shoulders, she licked her lips and stepped back from the bed. “I’ll come back and check on you before you leave.” Closing the door softly behind her, she studiously ignored the two men standing stoically beside it.

Her heart was racing as she finished her shift. She wanted to say goodbye before she left, but as she walked past, she could tell he was asleep by his position, curled up on his small bed. Not wanting to disturb his last peaceful night, Claire slipped away without a word only one thing on her mind - she had to see if there was anything she could do to overturn the seemingly unjust decision.

[ficclique]

In addition to our own personal top fics (which you can view here), we asked you all to send us your choices for your fics of the decade and why you loved them. We received so many wonderful submissions, and now want to share them with everybody! In an effort to not make this post too long we’ve edited down the comments that people left us, but everyone had some really lovely things to say, so if anything catches your eye here we really encourage you to take a look at the complete list of comments here.

Without further ado, please enjoy the top fics of the decade as chosen by you, our listeners: 

Submitted by: Cricket

Fic 1: pilgrimage by wolfsupremacist

Info: EXO RPF, Baekhyun/Sehun

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411497/chapters/43607615

Cricket’s comment: I can't get over all the building in this fic -- the world building, the character building, the relationship building. The main character’s development was like watching a child grow: it's hard to see it happening, but once you reflect on who he became versus who he was, it's so obvious how he changed.

Fic 2: the eye of providence by minhyukwithagun

Info: NCT RPF, Jaehyun/Taeyong

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14981330

Cricket’s comment: I have genuinely never laughed so hard while reading a fic.There were so many little details that the author added that were unnecessary to the overall plot but just made the characters so much more real. You get to learn so much about everyone in such a (relatively) short amount of time.

Fic 3: so collect your scars and wear them well by addandsubtract

Info: Hockey RPF, Connor McDavid/Dylan Strome

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5075128

Cricket’s comment: I feel like this fic changed me as a writer. It touches on such a relatable subject: that feeling of being completely unsure of what you should do with your life when Plan A doesn't work out, and discovering who you are without the thing that you previously thought defined you.

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Submitted by: Claire

Fic 1: The Baffled King and The Idiot Hero by Ellarose C

Info: Hetalia, ?

Link: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/5819880/1/

Claire’s comment: This fic launched 3 of my high school friendships that continue to this day. It's cute and Hallmark levels of unrealistic, and I LOVE it. The overwhelming nostalgia and gratefulness I feel towards this fic (and all of Carrie's work, honestly) still blows me away.

Fic 2: Embers by Vathara

Info: Avatar: The Last Airbender, gen

Link: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/5398503/1/

Claire’s comment: The best, wildest, most comprehensively worldbuilt ATLA fic I have ever read. Tea, dragons, realistic motivations, that ending... perfect. *chef kiss*

Fic 3: Of A Linear Circle (series) by flamethrower

Info: HP, various

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/755028

Claire’s comment: I linked the whole series because I simply cannot pick a favorite installment. OaLC focuses on fixing the glaring plot holes in the Wizarding education system, accurately depicting the Founders' Era thanks to copious research, and showing that no one is truly irredeemable (except Voldemort himself, who more than earns it).

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Submitted by: Threepwillow

Fic 1: All the Other Ghosts by rainjoys

Info: Glee, Kurt/Blaine

Link: https://rainjoyswriting.livejournal.com/146587.html

Threepwillow’s comment: All The Other Ghosts and its direct sequel, Grey, are some of the most incredibly original and simultaneously incredibly transformative works of fanfiction I have ever read. The way they masterfully twist elements of canon to fit into the lore of their AU is second only to the profound, revelatory character studies that they've executed. This shit is extraordinary.

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Submitted by: Segs

Fic 1: Hemostuck (series) by roachpatrol and urbanAnchorite

Info: Homestuck, various

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/8470

Seg’s comment: THE WORLDBUILDING. THE ARTWORK. THE NARRATIVE VOICE(S). THE INCREDIBLE GRASP ON CHARACTERIZATION. DID I MENTION THE WORLDBUILDING.

Fic 2: transistor by fishcola

Info: Polygon RPF, Brian/Pat

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18760093/chapters/44503969

Seg’s comment: Rips my heart to shreds piece-by-piece and then gently puts it back together in the end. It's another put-these-characters-in-a-darker-setting sort of thing. It is brilliant and beautiful and I love it dearly.

Fic 3: any sign of spring by bluecarrot

Info: Hamilton, Hamilton/Burr

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7523227/chapters/17100376

Seg’s comment: This fic is so dang atmospheric. It feels very physical -- the temperature, the environment, the drawing. It's bittersweet, but ends on the sweet, and I think the sweetness is all the more emphasized for it. Rereading it feels like coming back to a familiar place.

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Submitted by: Ang

Fic 1: Anarchy In The U.K. by Yahtzee

Info: X-Men First Class, Erik/Charles

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/673552/chapters/1232410

Ang’s comment: the writing of this one made it so easy to get completely lost in the au while still knowing the characters so well from the source material! super engaging, totally consumed my life for a week

Fic 2: blackjacks running down by back by dangerbears

Info: 1D, Harry/Louis

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499474

Ang’s comment: this is like my comfort blanket fic! every time i reread it (even though i'm not in that fandom anymore), it's still just as funny and cute as it was the very first time i read it - again the au is so easily believable because the characterizations are so familiar.

Fic 3: this city bleeds its aching heart by renne

Info: MCU, Steve/Bucky

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835829

Ang’s comment: unsurprisingly, it's another au that is so easy to fall into! this is another one that i've been consistently rereading since i first read it (in 2015, for this one) because it's my absolute favorite trope with a ship that i'm still very much into!

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Submitted by: Scout

Fic 1: she called it a void by vans88

Info: Star Wars, Finn/Poe/Rey

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5493500

Scout’s comment: Short and powerful and essential to anyone's viewing of the new Star Wars trilogy. Seriously one of the most careful, tender, and graceful queer addendums to a piece of pop culture this decade.

Fic 2: The Love Song of The North American Douchebag by gyzym

Info: Star Trek RPF, Chris/Zach

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/852395

Scout’s comment: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I HOPE I CAN SWEAR. I'm not even in this fandom. The world building is just THAT good. It's one of my highlights *because* of its power to draw me in as a standalone. So much fucking talent in the transformative work community. The banter, characterization, sardonic-ness of this – international impact baby!

Fic 3: all this learning here is by you by decinq, nighimpossible

Info: Hockey RPF, Jamie Benn/Tyler Seguin

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5105441

Scout’s comment: Revolutionized – and I would argue – drove the GROWTH AND SURVIVAL of hockey fandom. One of the best known works in the fandom, and a masterclass in how to build a set of characters that you're genuinely envious you don't get to see or know. Two incredible authors and a plethora of personality. Fun and sexy and lighthearted but poignant. Chef kiss.

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Submitted by: Em

Fic 1: the subtle science and exact art of chess-boxing, by fishcola

Info: Polygon RPF, Brian/Pat

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18931885/chapters/44945971

Em’s comment: fishcola is definitely one of the top reasons i actually started reading/writing polygon rpf. this fic!!!!! i sWEAR its so /so/ good oh my GOSH. yes, full disclosure im fish's beta for chessboxing but also i am enthusiastic simply because it is a very beautiful and powerful narrative on trauma, healing, and how the people we choose to interact with affect our emotions.

Fic 2: the old men call me by my mother’s name by theviolonist

Info: HP, Hermione/Ron

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044467

Em’s comment: as a certified Trans(TM) im always pursuing and consuming trans content. the old men call me by my mother's name is an hp fic that i still cherish years after first reading it. trans!ron is a concept not often explored in hp fic, much less trans /girl/ ron. massive gender feels, folks.

Fic 3: national hot dad alliance is now calling… by dicaeopolis, owlinaminor

Info: Haikyuu! , various

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5663683/chapters/13045579

Em’s comment: national hot dad alliance really is the perfect evolution of a groupchat fic. i laughed, i cried, i fell in love with the characters all over again as these captains from different teams bond over graduating. and also being Dads(TM). in some cases-- pining over their fellow volleyball players-- plus star wars, the x-files, and memes. overall its is very good and i will stan it eternally

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Submitted by: Staci

Fic 1: No Homo, by orphan account

Info: Teen Wolf, Stiles/Derek

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1148039/chapters/2326073

Staci’s comment: Literally my favorite AU ever written. The characterization is SO on point and it truly is a super fun read. It’s also a super long which helps with painting such a detailed picture of these two dummies who are-totally-just-bros-with-added-benefits. I’d recommend this to anyone, even if they’re unaware of Teen Wolf, but if you’re a Teen Wolf fan then it’s even better.

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Submitted by: Nadine

Fic 1: Too Long, Too Close (series) by callmejude

Info: MCU RPF, Chris/Sebastian

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/253528

Nadine’s comment: kink exploration and bdsm done well.... and so thoroughly. but there's more! theres FEELINGSSSSSS uhhhhhhh it made me CRY it's so good.

Fic 2: On a Clear Day by Saras_Girl

Info: HP, Harry/Draco

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879841

Nadine’s comment: I could've put a few other fics by this author because they write the best drarry but uhhhhh. I had to choose and it was either gonna be TURN or this one. Idk why but this one makes me so unbelievably emotional bc it was Harry who's Going Through Stuff and I just loved it a lot.

Fic 3: around the world in eighty thousand days, by fallfreely

Info: 1D, Liam/Harry

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/856935

Nadine’s comment: It was hard to pick a 1D fave but I think that this fic always had a v special place in my heart & I can't even explain why. I love the dynamic of this pairing (even though it's not even my OTP, wtf. I'm a Gryles and Narry truther... *eye emoji*) and the whole FEEL of this fic and it's slow burn tour fic, soo.

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Submitted by: Frecklebomb

Fic 1: Shalbatana

Info: Mars Trilogy, Gen

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6629

Frecklebomb’s comment: A beautifully-written gen fic (with an incredibly gorgeous podfic by Luzula) in the near-future-scifi Mars Trilogy fandom but very easy to enjoy without canon knowledge. I revisit this story over and over and always marvel at the presence of the landscape and alien planet in it, the way it feels like a character. Bonus Mars rover feelings (I cry every time about the robot).

Fic 2: Through a Glass Darkly, by susiecarter

Info: DCU, Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19395793/chapters/46155535

Frecklebomb’s comment: Sprawling post-apocalyptic epic, so rich and cinematic that it feels like a movie I somehow read. The worldbuilding and tension of the focal ship are what sucked me into this fic, but what stayed with me was the richness of the ensemble characters. I find myself just thinking about their character arcs, and imagining what they'd be doing post-story. I want fic of this fic.

Fic 3: Too Far Down The Road, by SoniaVice

Info: Hockey, OMC/OMC

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13208136/chapters/30212907

Frecklebomb’s comment: An amnesia trope origfic set in handwavey hockey fandom (author said they 'set it free' to be OMC/OMC when the dynamic needed to be different from the RPF ship it started out as). It gives me so many good feelings about family (of choice and otherwise) and ageing and self-acceptance and sexuality, and the way you can choose to be changed by the people you spend your life with.

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Submitted by: Em (Springsteen)

Fic 1: Pull Me Under, by zarah5

Info: 1D, Harry/Louis

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/870766

Em’s comment: first of all zarah5 is a fandom legend. second, this is like the pinnacle of fake relationship fics to me it's 140k and so much of it is pining and like truly, who among us doesn't love harry styles with their whole heart. I can't think about the '10s without thinking about one direction and when this fic came out I remember a lot of people fully losing their minds.

Fic 2: Door to Door, by Ferritin4

Info: Hockey RPF, Jamie Benn/Tyler Seguin

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3478298

Em’s comment: this is one of the first hockey fics I ever read and I still come back to it so often. The relationship builds so well, Tyler's dogs are in it, it's just so sweet, and plus it's a very readable 10k.

Fic 3: Darling It Is No Joke, by thehoyden

Info: Teen Wolf, Stiles/Derek

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/399194

Em’s comment: look I can't be retrospective about this decade and /not/ include a sterek fic. the first half of this decade for me was all 1d and teen wolf and full disclosure, it's been a while since I've reread this fic, but I remember the banter being really stellar and thehoyden is another one of those authors who I just. Adore.

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Submitted by: Dan

Fic 1: The Heart Rate of a Mouse (series) by Anna (arctic_grey)

Info: Bandom, Ryan Ross/Brendan Urie

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/712953

Dan’s comment: This fic is incredibly iconic. It’s definitely one of my favorites of all time—the way the story is told is just heart wrenching, and it manages to always keep you on edge about what’s going to happen. The portrayal of self discovery, love, jealousy, down to the settings and all the social issues of the time period (the 70s), is amazingly done.

Fic 2: The Cat’s Miaow by Pennyplainknits

Info: Bandom, Patrick Stump/Pete Wentz

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/930529

Dan’s comment: This fic is unlike anything else I’ve read. First off, I LOVE historical AUs, and the noir setting is everything I could have wanted and more. The author has managed to create such a delicate and profound romance along with an interesting plot that borders on thriller without ever going too far with either side of the story.

Fic 3: Get Real Get Right (Fuckin Right) by sophiahelix

Info: Riveyonce Cuoknowles, Sufjan Stevens/Drake

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9029020

Dan’s comment: Honestly? This is just art.

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Submitted by: Carina

Fic 1: Bite Marks by provocative_envy

Info: HP, Hermione/Draco

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3580953/chapters/7894464

Carina’s comment: i've shied away from aus in harry potter fic for years, especially american college aus but this fic in my opinion kept the best of the characters and modernized them in a way that felt true to who they are.

Fic 2: old jokes from a wild youth, by knightspur

Info: SEVENTEEN RPF, Mingyu/Minghao

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18127073

Carina’s comment: mingyu and minghao are in love, but they're not soulmates. i love the dynamics and the quiet intimacy between them, and also how they work through wanting to be together despite them not having a bond in the way soulmates have.

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Submitted by: Katy

Fic 1: The River and The Deep Green Bend by liquidmeasure

Info: 1D, Harry/Niall

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6005275

Katy’s comment: this fic honestly surpasses the genre of fic. it is a genre all its own. it is the pinnacle in catharsis and heartbreak and having a satisfying end that is completely unsatisfying as well. I will never recover from this fic.

Fic 2: Out of the Dead Land by Orphan Account

Info: MCU, Steve/Bucky

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1871955

Katy’s comment: there is a specific phrase in this fic that has and will continue to stay with me. I will never hear the phrase "up or down" without feeling immense heartbreak. an amazing blend of source material to create something altogether its own - but could still take place in either canon

Fic 3: Up We Go by Oh_Hey_Tae

Info: BTS, Taehyung/Jimin

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12297168

Katy’s comment: this fic is one that I found more recently, but I can already tell that it is one that is going to stick with me for a long long time. it is another fic that I feel transcends the genre of fic entirely

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Submitted by: Corie

Fic 1: Build A Temple In Me by Authoress

Info: Haikyuu!, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3716002

Corie’s comment: A wonderful and moving fanfic with fantasy akin to studio ghibli. If I have to recommend Haikyuu fanfiction this is it.

Fic 2: Close to the Chest by darkmagicalgirl

Info: Haikyuu!, Kyoutani Kentarou/Yahaba Shigeru

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3898771/chapters/8721568

Corie’s comment: Another haikyuu!! Fic! I remember reccing this to my friend and she said it was more akin to a novel then any fanfiction she has read. High praise IMO

Fic 3: Fake Sugar by minverse

Info: BTS, Jungkook/Seokjin

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14707098/chapters/33987549

Corie’s comment: Oh sweet god I love minverse’s writing and this fic has it all. Romance, smut, and a nice dollop of humor.

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Submitted by: Abby

Fic 1: an awful curse by blinkiesays

Info: Teen Wolf, Stiles/Derek

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/604092

Abby’s comment: Non-linear timeline, au within the story, "every me loves every you," domesticity but also heavy angst, and it's so beautifully written it makes me want to cry reading it. also it harkens back to the time of when the show was still good.

Fic 2: dance this silence down (the emergency room remix) by Fahye

Info: Les Miserables, Enjorlas/Grantaire

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/994140/chapters/1966093

Abby’s comment: It's such a great, understandable ensemble fic for a dense canon, with such a great modern day au setting, but the whole time it really deals with the main character's depression and alcoholism and the complete overwhelming love that he has for the guy he's shipped with. it's so gritty and real but the ending brings so much hope I love it.

Fic 3: comment fic by anon

Info: iCarly, Sam/Spencer

Link: https://author-abz.livejournal.com/35003.html

Abby’s comment: this is an ANONYMOUS comment fic someone wrote me when I was feeling down on LJ and it's so short but so complete, and it says everything it needs to about it being okay to mess up and just be messed up together. also: "glitter emergency" (technically a cheat, it's from 2008; I forgot it was so old)

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Submitted by: Kassie

Fic 1: An Exercise in ‘Worthless’ by beastofthesky

Info: Supernatural, Dean/Castiel

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/535676

Kassie’s comment: an exercise in worthless introduced me (indirectly) to my favorite musician and (directly) to the subject i almost minored in during undergrad, so honestly i would put it as a fic of the decade even if it wasn’t one of the best fics i read in the supernatural fandom.

Fic 2: Superstition (series) by Superstition_hockey

Info: Hockey, OMC/OMC

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/413233

Kassie’s comment: superstition started out as a tropey, fun, lighthearted short fic, and grew into a big thing that deals with a lot of serious topics incredibly well while also being still very funny and emotional and having honestly some of my favorite fictional characters i’ve read in years

Fic 3: United States v. Barnes

Info: MCU, Steve/Bucky

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2304905/chapters/5071058

Kassie’s comment: united states v barnes is the multimedia fic of my DREAMS. this is what i want to show people to explain why i love fanfic so much. it does so much with the medium its working in and the presentation of the fic, and fits that perfect fanfic niche of exploring the kind of background that will never appear in canon but that everyone wonders about.

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Submitted by: Kat

Fic 1: I’ve felt and I’ve Been by autotunedd

Info: Big Bang RPF, Seunghyun/Jiyong

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15349758/chapters/35616516

Kat’s comment: Possibly the fic that marked my entire decade. The characters are so human and real, the plot is heavy and winding and the twists sometimes seem life ending. It is heavy, it is painful, it is sad, it is angsty, it is maybe even a smidge too real and dangerous at times, but it makes a solid read, a long, relatable novel about real people with real fears and problems.

Fic 2: Eversion by thespectaclesofthor

Info: Detroit: Become Human, Hank Anderson/Connor

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15754140/chapters/36638253

Kat’s comment: Beautiful, long, detailed, well written, hard hitting, serious, sweet, painful, kinky, all in one! The characters have so much depth, their issues and inner workings seem so real and the plot is so carefully crafted and detailed, every chapter keeps you at the edge of your seat. All in all, beautifully crafted, passionate, hard hitting piece that I couldn't help falling in love with.

Fic 3: Eggshell Landscapes and the Burden of Love by NoContractTermination

Info: NCT RPF, Taeil/Johnny

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10446438

Kat’s comment: Short, sweet, angsty and charming! I loved the intimate look into their relationship this fic brings, the trials and tribulations and the struggle to communicate. It all seemed so raw and real and coupled with the author's beautiful writing, it all came together in a perfect read, with bounds of re-read potential.

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Submitted by: Wen

Fic 1: the bellwether by highoctane

Info: Polygon RPF, Brian/Pat

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18634426

Wen’s comment: Feelings!!! It's really refreshing to read a character who, as an established adult, is reconfiguring an understanding of himself without it being either a whole crisis or a sudden seamless lightbulb moment. It's very fair to both characters' emotions, letting them both react in a way that feels wonderfully human and real rather than idealistic.

Fic 2: Five Times the Potion Seller Refused to Sell a Potion (and One Time He Didn’t) by misura

Info: Potion Seller (Justin Kuritzkes Short Film), Knight/Potion Seller

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5441447

Wen’s comment: It's based on a 3 minute meme video and if it was just a tweet or post with the title alone it would be a great joke but... someone went and wrote the dang thing! And it could have been ridiculous crackfic, and while it certainly toes that line it's also got a really fun flow of dialogue that leaves a lot to the imagination without it getting confusing.

Fic 3: I Am The Horrible Goose That Lives In The Town by Daniel Lavery

Info: The Untitled Goose Game, gen

Link: https://www.shatnerchatner.com/p/i-am-the-horrible-goose-that-lives

Wen’s comment: the writing is tremendous and sits beautifully in that razor's edge space where english is used just strangely enough to create a fantastic character voice without going too far and falling into some kind of awkward english language uncanny valley. it's so hard to pick out the best line because every line is the best line. "Here I am coming, with the good news of me, and you hate it. You can think only of the bell and how much I have it, and you are never the goose."

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Submitted by: Mage

Fic 1: Fog, Sheets and Thunder by theopteryx

Info: My Chemical Romance RPF, Frank/Gerard

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/351396

Mage’s comment: i have literally thought about this fic at least once a week since i read it in 2012. do not ask me why. i have no answers.

Fic 2: Flowers in Bones by fringecity (indiachick)

Info: BTS, Taehyung/Yoongi

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16256390

Mage’s comment: sometimes i just wanna be a careful selection of small animal bones that yoongi gently unearths and meticulously crafts into an altar of pressed flowers and ink

Fic 3: It Happened Quiet by hobimo

Info: BTS, Taehyung/Yoongi

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15070646/chapters/34939646

Mage’s comment: haunted woods :) cryptids :) that deeply unsettling feeling that there are greater, mysterious forces at work and there's nothing you can do about it :)

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Submitted by: BirdieLeonie

Fic 1: Reprise (series) by Elfpen

Info: Star Wars, various (Obi-Wan centric)

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/454408

BirdieLeonie’s comment: I spent about seven months of my life reading nothing but Star Wars time-travel fix-it fics. (I am not exaggerating; there are enough of them to last that long or longer.) This is my favorite.

Fic 2: Friday Night Arrives Without a Suitcase by marycontraire

Info: Hockey RPF, Danny Briere/Claude Giroux

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/534247

BirdieLeonie’s comment: This is a fic I have kept coming back to again and again in the years since I first read it. It's domestic and sweet and still adult. It's like curtainfic, inverted; the leads live together and parent their kids and go grocery shopping before they have a romantic or sexual relationship.

Fic 3: The Hero’s Journey; or: What Jasper Sitwell Did Last Summer (podfic), by artzbots, blackglass, daroos, girlwithabubblegun, kalakirya, Opalsong, reena_jenkins, RsCreighton, sabinelagrande

Info: MCU & Welcome to Night Vale, Jemma Simmons/Jasper Sitwell

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6462223

BirdieLeonie’s comment: I love podfic, I love crossovers, and I love this fic. Again, I picked this because of all the thousands of MCU fics I've read, this is the one I find myself coming back to repeatedly. This crossover is creative, fun, and plays with one of my favorite tropes: what was happening to a minor character in the background of the story we saw?

[thebrochtuarachs]

To Begin Again: Chapter 8

Jamie passes through the stones on Beltane to 1968.

CHAPTER 8: A 20-YEAR RECAP / Claire and Jamie share the story of their lives since they last saw each other some 20 years past.

A/N: In honor of my birthday last 7th of November, I wanted to update and post a new chapter for this story, so here it is! It took me a while to write this deciding back and forth how it should go and writing it  but I love how I went with it and how it turned out - I just hope I did it a certain justice and you guys like it. I love this story and have some plots in place that I am excited to write next. As always, comments and suggestions (and violent reactions!) are always welcome. If you want to suggest a plot, feel free to drop a prompt in the comments :) ❤️

CH: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 AO3

Before Roger was able to pull Brianna away from the driveway, Jamie gave very explicit instructions about the honor and safety his daughter and made promises as to what will happen to him if he breaks any one of them. From Jamie the highland storyteller, he immediately changed to Jamie the father once Bree announced that she was going out for the night.

Brianna almost whined at how much Jamie talked, to a point where Claire had to intervene and interrupt so that they could both leave and catch the event on time.

Ever the gentleman, Roger opened the door for Bree and made his way to the other side of the car.

“How was breakfast?” he asked as he entered the car and started the engine. Roger has been filled in about how Jamie came through the stones the day he and Bree went about grocery shopping for Jamie’s birthday dinner the night before.

“It was surprisingly fun.” Bree said with a slight somber tone in her voice and Roger stayed silent, urging her to continue as he drove the car away from the house. “It’s just that… when I was growing up, we didn’t spend time like this. In the morning, everything was a rush. Me going to school, Mama going to the hospital and Daddy going to the university. On the weekends, we didn’t exactly have our mornings timed out for us to have breakfast together – it’s usually one parent or the other with me. When we did have rare times out as a family, we’d be at a hospital or university party and they’d spend time talking to other people than with each other. If we went to a restaurant, they’d ask about me and let me talk for hours.”

She sighed as memories of her childhood flooded through her mind. “Growing up, I understood our priorities as a family but I thought that was how it was suppose to be, that it was normal the way we were. But now, seeing my mother with Jamie and how were all making this effort to be together, not that I don’t love it because I do, but it just reminded me more of how much even I probably missed in life, how much mama and daddy had to sacrifice for my sake.”

Roger could sense her growing melancholy and didn’t want to push her further. “Ye dinna have to talk about it if ye don’t. We’ve bit of a drive but we can talk about something else” he offered.

“Thank you.” Bree replied.

“So, why did this engineering seminar interest you so much?” he asked as they drove straight to the university.

-

As Roger’s taillights fade away in the early evening, the happy noises that was bursting earlier was suddenly occupied by a tensioned silence that grew more in each passing second.

Claire and Jamie, now, have the house to themselves for some private time to connect and to settle their score. As by some unspoken agreement, both knew what they were suppose to do tonight.

“I’ll just grab something from the kitchen”

“I’ll get the fire running”

They both said at the same time. Mindlessly, they nodded to each other and proceeded to their chore.

Claire found three full bottle of whiskey and brought them up to the living room. She was sure they would need a little liquid luck to deal with themselves tonight. Jamie was already seated and she occupied the seat across from him – putting a little distance to themselves seemed best at the moment. She opened a bottle, poured them both a generous amount, a dram of whiskey now in each other’s hand.

“Claire,” Jamie began. His use of her real name were only reserved in true moments of seriousness and tonight was one of those nights. “I did ask ye honesty once and now I ask ye of it once more.” Claire nodded. “What happened to ye these last twenty years?” Jamie finally asked.

“Do you want to know everything?” Claire asked, rolling the last word in an obvious manner, the question and meaning clear to them both.

“Aye.” Jamie said as he straightened in his seat on a chair that barely fit his size.

She knew the things this conversation would force to open up but she did promise Jamie honesty and she won’t shy away in telling him about her life, especially, her life with Frank. He had the right to know and whatever reaction he may have, she’d deal with it. However, she has set a rather high moral standard from her husband and she was fairly sure he’d forgive her. She took a deep breath and began her tale, giving Jamie the main highlights of her life since she left him.

“After I passed, I walked aimlessly in the road waiting for a car to find me. It was not hard to spot me, after all, I was wearing clothes from the 18thcentury and any person who will stop to either to mock me or help me. The first car that stopped, thankfully, did the latter.

The heartbreak was still fresh and I was a mad at the world for our circumstance. The man who stopped, I grabbed him by his collar and demanded to know who won the Battle of Culloden. Maybe history changed, I thought, but when he said the English won, my heart broke – for you and the Scotland I have grown to love. I cried and broke down in the middle of the road and it was a miracle that he still helped me to the hospital despite my catatonic state.

By the time I got there, I went into a silent daze. I didn’t need to tell them my name for I have been in the missing persons list for three years and the guard at the hospital knew immediately who I was. They examined me then - it was protocol for the doctors to conduct a check-up in cases like mine. My communication was limited to a shrug or nod. When all was done, they settled me in a room, and I stared out the window in the combined sadness, anger and rage I felt all at the time.

Then Frank came. He was so happy to see me, Jamie, and it added to my anguish that I knew, sooner or later, I would be taking that happiness away.” 

She paused to sip a drink and Jamie did too.

“My disappearance has become a fascinating tale in the three years I was missing. A photographer snuck in and took a photo of me and the next day I was in the paper. It was then Frank decided that we’ll stay with Reverend Wakefield, an old friend of his and Roger’s foster parent, the one who lived in this house before. He has the best collection of Jacobite history, probably, in Scotland. When we arrived there, I asked for everything he had about Culloden. I know you asked me to forget you but I just couldn’t, Jamie.

She could see Jamie’s face turn into stone in an attempt to an emotional escape but before he could, she’d already seen the nervousness flush over his body. “What did you ken?” he asked slowly. Jamie’s eyes fell to the ground and Claire was starting to get nervous. “Did ye look for me when ye got back?” Jamie couldn’t help ask the question. Jenny’s voice ran through his mind as he recalled his last visit and he’d told her of his plans to move to Edinburgh.

“It’s still Claire, is it?” Jenny said mockingly. “Let her go, brother. She left you. Why are you still pining over her. You have a wife now and 2 bairns to devote yerself to. Be content in that”

Jamie huffed in resignation. He will never be content in a life without Claire and Jenny knew nothing, he reasoned to himself. He loved his sister dearly and for the most part of their lives, he’d always told her what was in his heart. But Claire’s secret will be too much for her to handle, so Jamie decided to remain silent as his sister continued to scold him.

“I still don’t know what happened to her, if she’s alive or dead but Jamie - if she was, the Claire I kent will never stop looking for you”

The conversation was almost a year old and though Jamie did not think about it much then, the question was asked now and an answer was coming.

“I did! I looked for you for weeks! I read every book about the Battle of Culloden that I could get my hands on and searched every page for even a glimpse of you or any clue that can lead towards you. I was going mad looking for you!” She said rather angrily in her defense. Claire didn’t know where the anger came from but she needed Jamie to know and understand that it wasn’t as easy for her as he might think it was. “But I found nothing. I didn’t know you were alive. I’m as surprised by your presence here now just as you might be shocked passing through the stones!”

They quickly composed themselves and Jamie nodded for Claire to continue.                                                                          

“After a while, Mrs. Graham, the only person in this century who believed what happened to me, talked to me about not chasing a ghost and live whatever life I still had. And I did try, Jamie. I tried but I couldn’t. I’ve lived half a life for the past twenty years.”

Jamie felt Claire’s words go through him blow by blow. He had asked of her those things and he felt nothing but utter regret at that moment.                                                                                                                                                                

“After that, I told Frank everything about our life – the stones, you, Scotland, Paris, Culloden, everything except one. I didn’t tell him about Faith -  he only knew about her when I had to tell the doctor I had a miscarriage when I was giving birth to Bree but he never asked about that after she was born.

Despite that, he still wanted me back, begged me to come back to him. And then I told him I was pregnant and his face changed to happy to angry in two seconds with the realization that it wasn’t his and it confirmed in some way to him, that I did have somebody else in my life – a somebody that I loved enough to stay wherever I was, risk and leave everything and have a child with. It took all the control he had not to lash out and hit me and for brief moment, I saw a flash of someone else running through his blood.

Anyway, even though he didn’t believe me, he still accepted me back and accepted Bree in the condition that I forget you and we raise Bree as his – our – own. I accepted his offer not because Frank asked but because you made me promise to go back to him and forget you.

Frank got a position at Harvard and we moved to Boston immediately after. He bought us a huge brownstone house, made me as comfortable as I can be. I tried to pretend that I was okay but the moment Frank leaves the house, I just cry, be miserable and miss you so much. Everything reminded me of you and our life - a bird, the fireplace, my ring, our child…

I didn’t think I was deliberately pulling away from him, rather, I think I was just unconsciously still hung up on the past and it was a big issue between us. We’ll have days where there is just too much tension in living and we fought a lot. I was living in my own world and he was desperately trying to get in but I won’t let him. I don’t know why I couldn’t have given him a chance to - maybe I was giving him a way out and wanted him to take the open road but he just wouldn’t go away. If it was his choice to leave, then I wouldn’t be breaking my promise to you”

Claire was sure she saw Jamie briefly smirked at the thought. She couldn’t help but smile at bit too. The thought that even after all these time, they still wanted each other, wanted what each other wanted, remembered the promises they made, always brought a happy feeling. But the moment was fleeting and the night is just getting started.

“But everything changed when Bree was born. Frank never wanted to adopt but he was captured with Bree the moment he saw her. He was a good father to her and really dedicated his life to her. After that, we…tried to be a couple, decided that Bree was the fresh change we needed, made ourselves look like what society envisioned as a ‘family’. The next few years had been bearable. I had Brianna, she had a stable life, a mum and dad. I focused on that and being her mother.“

“Did ye and Frank...touch?” Jamie asked. They were putting it out there anyways.

“We did. A few several times after Bree was born. We would be invited to dinners with other couples and it was so obvious how out of sync we were. I guess there came a moment when we just needed to do it – to feel that were still people inside and not just some hollow shell of a person. I would always close my eyes when we did it, pretend that it’s you – made it a little more bearable and made me feel less guilty to my promise to you.”

Claire hated that Jamie can masterfully mask his feelings still. She couldn’t figure out if he was angry or sad at what she said but know that it was probably both. It was taking all of his control to not say something back. He stayed quiet, ending that question and continued on.

“Everything sort of changed when I decided to go to medical school. At that time, women were just recently accepted to the program and there was a lot of stigma. I was a nurse when I went through the stones but I encountered more than what I can when I was tending to patients there. I knew my calling, then, was in the medical field and I needed more. Brianna was growing up and started school and I could not be just in the house the entire day.

Frank didn’t exactly give me the approval to do it but when I got in, he made sure that Bree was well-taken care off. When Brianna was seven, the babysitter left her alone and she wandered outside to look for me, she was hit by a slow-moving car,” Jamie hitched at his seat but Claire raised an arm to control the situation back. “…and I lost it. I decided to quit the program but Frank told me not to and offered to take Brianna to his office every after school. I was ready to exchange medicine in a heartbeat for Brianna but more important, because of you. Brianna is yours – ours - the only thing of you that I have and that is more important than any degree I will have had then. But Frank insisted I continue and I did.

I graduated medical school, almost in the top of my class and we had celebratory drinks at the house. The doorbell rang and I answered it to a woman I didn’t know who stood shock still in front of me. He was Frank’s mistress or girlfriend. Sandy was her name. I knew Frank had other mistresses over the years before but he seemed serious about this one. Their affair went on for almost a decade until his death about two years ago. It was a car crash.

We actually fought the night he died. I got home one evening, preparing for my surgery the following morning and he came down late at night. He told me he was bringing Brianna to England for the summer. I thought maybe it was for a vacation but it turns out he’s taking her away for good. I got angry and we let it all out after 18 years. Said, he wanted a divorce me and marry Sandy and at last, he confronted me - asked me if I could look at Brianna and not see you, asked me if I had forgotten you with time.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him that that amount of time doesn’t exist”

There was a pause as they let the words sink in between them. However, there was still tension in the air because as true as it was to Claire, maybe it wasn’t the same for him.

“I think that was the last blow for him. The last confirmation that I will not be coming back to him. He grabbed his keys and went for a drive the entire night. I didn’t know if he came home in the morning but and the next day after a surgery, I was told that he had died.”

“Did you love him?” Jamie boldly asked again and there was no doubt in her mind what the answer was going to be.

“No and I’m pretty sure he damned my soul for it.” Jamie grunted at her bluntness but it was the truth. “I was happy raising Brianna with him, though. He was a good father to her, Jamie. Just as you thought he would be.”

Claire released the tension she was holding on her shoulders – released twenty years worth of story, told to the only man she wanted to know everything about her. “That’s about it, I guess. I can tell you more if you have questions or when I remember something else.”

She paused, finished her dram in one sip then turned to him. “How about you? Would you tell me what’s been going on in your life these past 20 years?” Claire asked simply, continuing the conversation.

“Honestly, aye?” he asked, meeting her eyes.

“Yes, everything” she replied and Jamie nodded.

“The ride back to Culloden was the worst day of my life. I didn’t mind dying because I knew my soul died the moment ye slipped away from my arms at the hill. Ye left yer tartan and I took it – it still smelled like ye and I thought I’d die from heartbreak before a pistol or sword could in battle.

When I arrived at Culloden, we were taking our positions in the field and I put myself in front. I was still a commander and I put on a brave face for my fellowmen and decided to fight for Scotland until I no longer could. Just as ye told me, the battle ensued and became bloody really, really fast. In the middle of the chaos, my eyes locked with Black Jack Randall and in that moment, I had but only one fight to win or lose.” Jamie paused and lifted the makeshift kilt he was wearing and revealed a long scar that ran up his thigh. Claire fought the urge to touch it and let him continue on instead. “He got me first but before I went down, I got him back and had my revenge. I fell to the ground and then everything went dark. I was roused awake by tiny snowflakes on my face, the cold jolting me to life. And then, I realized I wasn’t dead.

Rupert rescued me and all of us Scottish survivors hid in a small hut until we were found by a Redcoat commander by the name of Harold Grey. One by one, I heard my fellowmen be killed and it was..” Jamie paused, eyes focused to the fireplace. Claire knew what it took for him to relive this but they needed to do it for them. “Nothing hurt more than ye leaving, Sassenach, but seeing the Scotland I know die away, my men moaning in pain, listening to their cries or their last words, the shot of the pistol and the slump of their dead bodies – tis’ one of the most painful moments of my life."

Jamie paused – first, to redeem himself from the bad memory; second, to say a quick, silent prayer for his fallen comrades.

“Before Rupert went, we had a talk and made our peace with what happened with Dougal. After he’s gone, I decided that it was my time too. Ye were gone and I knew ye and the bairn were safe, I made peace with our situation and was ready to go. I told my name but Harold Grey stopped my execution”

“Why?”

“Remember the boy we found down in Carryarick? The one who ye rescued from being captive by us?”

“Yes. He, uhm, owed ye a debt of honor, if I remember correctly? For sparing his life?”

Jamie gave a small smile. Claire remembered and he was well pleased.

“Aye, William “John” Grey was the boy ye rescued. Turns out Harold Grey is his older brother. John after all, had kept his word and told his family about it. Harold ordred his men to find a cart and drive me back to Lallybroch as payment for his family’s promise. He figured the long ride and wound in my leg would be damage enough that will kill me.

The travel back was excruciating and rough. The wound was festering, I was running on a high fever, my body ached all over from cuts and injury I didn’t know where. I honestly didn’t have enough strength to think about living – by then, it was just ye I kept thinking about and figured, death will just come and take me sometime without me knowing. Next thing I knew, I was waking up to Jenny and Ian’s touch, rousing me awake. By some miracle, I was still alive.

Of course, there was the issue of my leg. No matter how Jenny tended to it, it would not heal. She thought about cutting it off but Ian stopped her – said that he can handle it but wasn’t sure that with ye being gone and losing a limb, that I could take it all. So one evening, Jenny cut the wound as deep as she could, had two or three tenants sit on me and then she poured scalding hot water over the wound.”

Claire gave a gasp, imagining the scenario. Even in thought, she couldn’t comprehend just how torturous the whole experience was.

“Aye, I know. I dinna know if that’s the right thing to do but she’s as wee stubborn as ye and wouldn’t let me die that easily. But it worked, no? I am still here after all and I can walk. She saved my leg, mo nighean donn, just as ye saved my hand” Jamie encouragingly said, ending the story with a lingering gaze of thanks.

“As ye know in yer history, the aftermath of the English victory brought the end to our highland culture. The redcoats roam about our lands, stealing the meager resources we had left, seizing our property for the crown, add to the fact that I was, yet again, a wanted man. It was dangerous having me in the house had the English come unexpected, so I decided to live in a cave near the property. I lived there for close to seven years. In all those times, I just fell down in a rabbit hole of silence. I went down to the house when it was safe or when I was able to hunt food for the family, I took books to read as company, and sometimes, Fergus would visit me and spend time with me, catch up on the family. But what I dinna realize was happening was me slowly losing myself to the isolation.

I couldna speak to Jenny or Ian about ye without them asking too many questions. I saw my nieces and nephews grow up and though I do love them a lot, it was a reminder of the time I was missing with our bairn, Brianna. It was only up in the mountain that I get to spend time with the memory of ye, talk to ye, pray for ye and our child. Jenny scolded me for holding on to ye, that I was alive but no living.”

Claire knew how that felt and she let a tear fall for that emotion.

“I was at the house when Jenny gave birth to wee Ian when the redcoats came. Earlier that day, Fergus, Rabbie and wee Jamie saw a raven and thought it was bad luck. Fergus got a hold of a pistol and shot it down. There must be a patrol nearby because minutes later, the English came looking for a weapon that was illegal to have. Without an ounce of respect or decency, they demanded a search even though Jenny was indisposed. I had the bairn in my arms and hid in a closet praying to God that he wouldna make a sound. The ordeal came to an end with Mary McNab admitting to the ownership of the gun and gave the raven story as her excuse. Thankfully, they released her on a warning and then they were gone.

But one corporal somehow heard me and he put a guard at the house. Fergus tried to sneak off to my cave one morning but he was followed. Clever kid he was, he led them away from my cave but to the expense of him losing his hand. The English were merciless. I saved him but I couldna save his hand but Fergus is loyal to me and never begrudged me for it.

It was the last straw for me. I couldna bear putting my family at risk like that.

I talked to Ian and Jenny and planned one of the tenants to “betray” me to the English in return to the reward for my capture.”

“Jamie…” breathed Claire. She knew her husband was a noble man but that plan was insane.

“Of course, they dinna like it but it was my choice. The potatoes ye told us to plant were enough to keep us afloat after the war but the farm was still struggling – the money will help and my arrest will keep them safe. The night before my arrest, Mary came to my cave and we...” He heard Claire take a deep breath, realizing where the story was heading as of preparing herself for the smack of emotions it will entail. “I dinna want to, Claire, but she insisted and it had been so long since… “ he trailed. “She gave me tenderness and I hope I gave her some in return.

The following morning, I was captured and was sent to Ardsmiur Prison where I found Murtagh and several other Scottish war prisoners. They were taken to me quickly and I became, sort of, their leader inside the prison. I was, once again, a leader and somehow, I think I found a new purpose for living. Over the next few years, we’d had different commanding officers who didna care for our living conditions until but some struck of fate, one Lord John Grey became our commanding officer.

He remembered me, somehow, and overtime, we’d sort of, developed a friendship that I put to use to the advantage of the prisoners. We’d eat dinner at his office, play chess from time to time and in return, he gave us better living environments. It was a good trade for me and the prisoners.

One time, a prisoner close to death, Duncan Kerr his name was, was thought to be in possession of the location of a treasure they called the Frenchman’s Gold. Problem was, he only spoke French and Gaelic, so I was called to translate for his behalf. He was speaking nonsense, mostly, spoke how the treasure was protected and cursed. He spoke of faeries and selkies. And then he mentioned of a white witch.

So one day, while we were walking in the fields, I escaped and swam to Selkie Island, thinking you’d be there. I know it’s silly but I had to take the chance and see it for myself, mo duinne. But alas, ye werna there but I saw the treasure. It wasna many but there were valuable wee gemstones that can be worth a lot of money. When I came back, John Grey captured me and I begged him to kill me, Sassenach. I couldna live without ye anymore, so I thought it better if I just ended my misery once and for all. Luckily, for all of us, he didna kill me or else, I wouldna be here with ye.

The prison was closing and everybody was being shipped to different areas for their pardon. Murtagh, I think, was sent to the colonies. As for me, John brought me to the Lake District at Helwater to work at the stables for Lord and Lady Dunsany – an old family friend of theirs.”

Jamie shifted slightly as he thought about how to continue his story. There was something big coming, Claire could sense it.

“Go on, just tell me” she urged. There was no point in avoiding it after all, they needed to let it out.

Jamie nodded. “John didn’t let the Dunsany’s know I was a Jacobite as their son was killed at the Battle of Culloden. However, Geneva, found out and began withholding my letters to Jenny and everyone at Lallybroch. She threatened to out me with her family that will surely bring me back to the prison and unable to send money at home.” He took a huge sip of his whiskey and Claire did too. “For her silence, she blackmailed me into bedding her.”

Claire, well prepared this time, did not move or breath and just continued to listen. She can handle this.

“You see,” Jamie continued. “she was to marry the Earl of Ellesmere. A grumpy, old man her parents arranged marriage for her for his wealth and she didna want to give her virginity to him. She asked me to come to her room in the night or else, I’d lose again whatever I had left. So I did what she asked of me.

It was only the one time but I must admit to ye that I took advantage of her offer and took what I could from her as well. After we did it, she told me she loved me but I told her that I just knew how to rouse her and it isna love that she felt for me. I grabbed her coat and handed it to her and then I left. The following morning, she was gone and three months later, marrit to the Lord Ellesmere.

A few months later, she visited back to Helwater” Jamie searched for Claire’s eyes and when they met, they did not lose contact – this was the hard part, Jamie knew and he needed to see her face when she hears it. “And she was pregnant, Claire. She was pregnant – with my son. Only John and Isobel, her sister, knew of what we did”

“You were sure the child was yours?”

“By the time she marrit, she was already with child. The timeline would justify so. Besides, he looks like me, Claire!” he said a little excitedly but seeing that Claire didn’t just share yet his enthusiasm, Jamie went back to his story.

“Geneva died at childbirth and I blame myself for it for I did not love her, Claire. The Lord Ellesmere threatened to kill the child as he knew he was a bastard and Geneva wasn’t the promised virgin coming into the marriage. I had to do something to save him, so I shot him. The Dunsanys, fortunately, took my side and thanked me for saving their grandson. Lady Dunsany offered me my freedom in exchange for their gratitude but I was earning a living and it gave me a chance to spend time with my son. His name is William Clarence Henry George, Viscount Dunsany, ninth earl of Ellesmere. They called him Willie.

I continued to work at the stables and eventually, I had the chance to teach Willie to ride horses and we grew close. However, as he grew older, his resemblance to me was beginning to show. Everyone was noticing it so I had to leave Helwater and leave him. He’s being taken care of Isobel and John Grey, who wed just after I left so they could look after Willie.”

They were well within half of the second bottle and the fire was running low. Jamie stood up and added a few more logs in the fire. “Just one more story then, I’ll be done.”

Her eyes shot up to him, hoping to see his face but his back was to her and his gaze was set upon the mantle.

“When I went back home to Lallybroch, I was back but I wasna home. Yer still gone, Jenny had bairns who didna recognize me. Wee Jamie was doing good as Laird of the estate and I was just there – just existing but having no purpose at all. I didna know what I was going to do with my life.

Jenny said that I should find a lass and get marrit again. Have the life I wanted with you with someone else. She thought it’s a nice idea to get me back living again. She pushed me to different lasses here and there but I always refused because how could I find a love that amounted to ours, Claire - that doesna exist anywhere but between us.

Then, last year, at Hogmany, two young lasses came to me and asked me to dance. Their names were Joan and Marsali MacKimmie. They are Laoghaire’s daughters.

“No” a breathy reply came unbidden from Claire’s lips. That was the last of Claire’s resolve. She could handle Mary and that blackmailer Geneva but this woman, even after all this time, was after her husband. Why is every damn woman after her husband?

“You married Laoghaire?! Jesus Christ, Jamie! The woman tried to have me killed – didn’t you know that? At Crainsmuir?!”

“I DID NOT!” was Jamie’s sharp reply as he turned around to finally look at her, the situation shifting to unknown territory and Claire’s eyes were not at all understanding.

“WHAT? I’m sure I told you after the witch trial!”

“You said of no such thing! If you did, I would’ve seen to it that she got punished for her actions!” Both were heaving in anger but knew there was nothing to be done about it. He had said the truth and it was hers to decide on.

“Why, then? What convinced you to marry her?” Jamie was silent and she sensed that he was unsure whether to proceed on the topic. “Why did you marry her?” she asked again, voice calm but urgent. She didn’t want this to be screaming match but it’s taking Claire much control to put her anger at bay.

“The lasses. Laoghaire was a widow twice over and she needed someone to put a roof over the house, to be a father to Joan and Marsaali, someone to provide for her and I needed…something. I thought maybe being with her and the bairns would give me, at least, a bit of satisfaction of what our life could’ve been. But if ye must know, it wasna a happy marriage.”

Claire huffed in disagreement and Jamie shook his head. “I loved the lasses alright, Joan and Marsali but Laoghaire – Claire, there were times when we would go days or weeks without talking to each other. I didn’t mind because then we wouldn’t fight over these or that. Everytime I’d try to approach her, she’d shy away from my touch. I tried everything I knew how to please a woman but I couldna connect with her in any way.”

“Jamie, do you expect me to believe that the woman who has been pining for you for years, who finally got you as her husband, would suddenly turn away from you and your touch?”

“I only say true, Claire. I dinna know what happened with Laoghaire. Maybe it was her first husband, Hugh, or second husband, Simon – but she was afraid of me, Claire. And I dinna want to be around anyone who was afraid of my touch. So months after, I left for Edinburg and I became a printer. I was on my way back to Lallybroch for Jenny and I made a stop at the stones to talk to ye and then now, I’m here with you – where I’ve always wanted to be.”

Claire buried her eyes in her palms. “Is that everything?”

“Yes.” Jamie confirmed.

Claire stood and headed for the door but before she could leave, she turned and asked him one last question. “Did you love her? love them?”.

Jamie didn’t move from his place but he called to her, plead to her for one last time. ”I never loved anyone but you.” He said, plainly. “Claire, I couldna change the past or the life that I’ve lived but...I’ve only known one love in my life and that was with you.”

There was a silence that followed that was neither tension or calm and it was deeply unsettling. After a few beats, she spoke again. “I think we both need some time to process what we have just said to each other. I’ll be up in the room”

He nodded briefly then allowed her to leave.

-

Brianna briefly came into her room just before midnight to let her know that she and Roger had arrived. Coming into a brief consciousness, she realized that Jamie didn’t follow her up nor was he with her. She hadn’t had the heart to ask Bree if she saw Jamie as surely it will entail questions plus she Claire realized she was too tired to do or answer anything beyond informing her mother that she was home.

After she left, Claire realized that she couldn’t bring herself to sleep. The emptiness of the other side of her bed was too much to bear now that Jamie was the one occupying it once again.

Jamie.

Three days since he arrived at her time and one night without him on her side already felt like a loss.                                                                          

Jamie.

She thought about their conversation earlier in the night and all the details of his life he laid bare to her. The loss, the war, the cave, the prison, the blackmail, the son, and the second wife. She contemplated about the entirety of his life and thought if she could accept it and the answer came no one second later with such surety and honesty – yes.

Yes, because despite everything, she is still in love with Jamie and she was sure as hell that he loved her just as much back.

Yes, because she can respect and accept his past just like he did hers after Crainsmuir. All that matters to her is that he is in her future now and she on his.

Yes, because they were given this miracle of finally being together, defying the laws of space and time itself just because the universe knew they belonged together.

There will always be a difference with him back in her life – a peace, a contentment. He completed her and she him. They were meant to be for always and it would be a damn waste if they let this opportunity pass them by just because they couldn’t accept the life they’ve had when they thought either didn’t live.  No – the past will not take focus but rather their future. Now that they know everything, they can finally move on and forward again and that’s what she wants.

Question now is, is it the same that Jamie wants. This is their marriage after all and he has a choice to make too – and said question and answer cannot wait until the morning.

Grabbing her robe, she went down the reverend’s house and headed straight to the living room, thinking Jamie must’ve slept in the couch. She did ask for space but thought he'd follow her up a few minutes later when she did. Apparently, she wasn’t clear and they’re not as sync as they used to be, yet.

Slowly, she crept down the stairs until she reached the bottom, however, all she saw was an empty and clean room.

Where is Jamie?

She called out his name in a loud whisper, hoping he would magically appear.  No response.

She looked for him in the study, in the cellar, in the kitchen and even in the garden shed outback but he was nowhere to be seen.

A painful pang shot from the base of her feet up to her spine.        

Could he have left her and headed back to the stones? Did he think she didn’t want him anymore? Did his noble ass self left to spare her feelings, yet again? No, he could not. He would definitely say goodbye to her if he decided that.

But her conscience fought back.

Maybe he already did. Maybe he whispered his goodbye while she was sleeping just as he liked to do so when they were together.

No, he couldn’t be gone. He wouldn’t leave her again.

But you might’ve given him reason to.

No. Claire continued to argue with herself.

“Jamie!” She called out again a little louder this time but still nothing. Panic was starting to rise from the pit of her stomach and tears were beginning to form in her eyes. At that moment she wanted – no, needed - nothing but Jamie in her arms, holding him, feeling him and loving him. Because, when it all came down to one thing, this was the life she was meant for, the life she wanted – to be with him and to love him, forever and always.

As she was about to run inside and wake Bree up, she caught a figure move at the corner of her eye. She found Jamie sleeping under a tree with only a blanket on him. She immediately ran to him and tackled him awake.

“Ooof! What’s the matter, Claire? Are ye alright?” he said sleepily.

“I couldn’t find you in the house. I thought you left. I thought you left me.” She said in a hurry as she clung herself to him tightly. “Don’t scare me like that again, Jamie.”

Jamie started to sit up and held her closer to him. “I’m sorry, Sassenach. I dinna know where to sleep. I thought ye wouldna want me in yer room and this was the only place I thought of sleeping.”

By this point, Claire freely let the tears fall. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I’m sorry.”

“What are ye sorry for, Sassenach?” Jamie chuckled, pulling back to see her tear-strained face.

“I don’t know” she shook her head vigorously. “I woke up and you weren’t there and when I came down, I couldn’t find you. I thought you went back...left me...I...” she trailed as she put mouth on him, not caring about her breath or his, and kissed him hard and long. Jamie equally matched her eagerness, pouring everything he had, hoping his lips would say the words that would comfort her.  

After a while, he pulled away and rested his forehead on hers. "I'll never leave ye again, I promise."

Fresh tears fell from her eyes and Jamie was now, crying too. She reached up and wiped his tears away. “You come back to me, James Fraser. You always come back to me.” Claire confessed. “No matter what – No matter what happens, you come back to me. Knowing that you’re alive, I won’t handle losing you again. I love you. Damn the world and everything and everyone. It’s you and me, forever. Okay?”

Jamie caressed Claire’s cheek and focused his eyes on hers. “Aye. You and me, forever, Sassenach”

-

Claire and Jamie stayed outside, a little too emotional to move back to the house just yet. It was getting colder but they spread Jamie’s blanket on them and they sat down, Jamie’s back to a tree, while Claire settled and cuddled between Jamie’s legs. He wrapped his arms on her and she clung to him.

They stayed there for a while, just enjoying the peace of the moment as the sound of the Scottish forest behind them lulled them to a calm place.

“What’s wrong?” Claire aired out suddenly. Jamie was confused at first but it must’ve been his deep sighs that made her ask.

“Do you want me to go?” Jamie ask bluntly.

He needed to know. They said a lot that night and it hurt for both of them. More than the 200-year distance, it was the fact that they lived such unhappy lives that broke his heart more and he didn’t want to add to Claire’s hurt if she couldn’t accept what he has revealed.

But then she came to him in the middle of the night and reaffirmed her commitment to him and it was a little confusing for him – did she want him or no? He just wanted answers and everything to be clear because if her peace of mind was at the cost of his leaving, then he would happily do it.

“I think I can go back through…” Jamie could feel Claire tense and he was sure she could feel him too“…I mean, I could still hear the stones screaming…”

Apparently, waiting was no option but of all the questions he could’ve inquired, he asked the most ridiculous one. “What are you talking about?” Claire asked.

“You and I, we know each other less than when we first wed and I might no longer be the man ye once knew.” He said plainly. “But I must know, Claire. Do you want me?”

Claire turned around and looked at Jamie, whose  beautiful viking face was still like a statue, awaiting for her answer. Oh, dear lord, how she loved him.

She held her face in both her hands and said “Whoever you are, James Fraser – Yes, I do want you.” She felt him relax in her touch as his his tight hold on her slackened a bit. “All this has been confusing and frustrating, but it’s never been a question of whether I love you.” Claire heard him grunt a Scottish burr from both amusement and relief and she playfully slapped his arm. “What about you? How do you know what I’m like now? I could be a horrible person for all you know.”

“Suppose ye might be, at that. But d’ye know, Sassenach, I dinna think I care.” He replied.

“Neither do I.” she answered as she leaned in to kiss him again. “You’re mine, Jamie? Aren’t you?”

“I’ve always been yers, Sassenach.” He tenderly said. “And you?”

Claire smiled and replied, “Always.”

-

Extra A/N:

This was an extra long chapter and I hope you made it until the end :)

When I first thought of the plot of this story, I knew I wanted to write the part where they let everything out and I also knew I wanted to write it in detail based on how I thought their conversation would go or how I wanted to expand their talk based on the show and books and thought about details they might've missed that I wanted to convey.

Halfway to writing it, I honestly doubted myself if I should do so since a lot of you readers have watched the show and know the books so rehashing this entire history might be a bore (I apologise in advance for this) but as I was re-reading it, I really wanted to push them into narrating the entire story again - so I did and wrote it all the way I could simply remember it.

I might've missed some few details as well or focused too much on some but in my head, they needed a time to really get to know their lives before in order for them to really move forward now and now that I am done writing this chapter, I can move forward to more AU/domestic Fraser stuff happening which I am super excited now.

I am so thankful for you reading. If you have questions, feel free to ask and as always comments and suggestions are always welcome! 💛

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

Thoughts on Outlander season 4

Disclaimer: I’ve never read the books, so all of my opinions are based solely on what I know from watching the show. 

Warning: This will contain spoilers for season 4 and it will not be Roger or Brianna/Roger friendly.

There’s a lot of disappointed and/or frustrated fans with Outlander’s fourth season and I understand why. Overall the season has been underwhelming, inconsistent and lacking any cohesive, engaging plot. In addition, season 4 has had the least amount of on-screen interactions between Claire and Jamie than any of the seasons before it. However, there were memorable moments in the season which were beautiful to watch - Jamie and Brianna’s first meeting, Jamie and Claire finally finding a home at Fraser’s Ridge and experiencing some form of normalcy and domestic bliss (even if it was short-lived), Jamie and Claire’s reunion with Murtagh and every episode/scene with John Grey in it (because who doesn’t love John?). The season also highlighted prominent social and historical issues regarding race, colonialism and slavery (although the show didn’t quite go far enough or give these topics as much focus as they deserved).

The main issue with season 4 is that there was a complete lack of direction or clarity (which may be the fault of the books as the source material, but I wouldn’t know since I haven’t read them). Putting aside Brianna’s arc with Roger, there was very little of anything that happened and on reflection, looking back over the season 4 episodes I’m struggling to articulate what the story for this season was at all. I strongly believe this lack of clarity comes from the shift away from Jamie and Claire as the central focus of the show. It’s the only season that has pushed Jamie and Claire into the background and allowed other characters (mainly Brianna) to take centre stage. Although it was nice to learn more about Brianna, unfortunately, her character and arc (and particularly her relationship with Roger, which I’ll discuss in more detail later) does not hold the same weight as Jamie and Claire’s. Claire and Jamie are the heart and soul of the show, and Caitriona and Sam’s on-screen chemistry is the foundation upon which Outlander is built. A majority of the fans of the books and/or the show are primarily invested in Jamie and Claire’s individual characters and their relationship. To take such a huge step back from that, in my opinion, was a mistake. Without Jamie and Claire it felt the Outlander universe was spinning through infinity with no gravity to keep it grounded. 

Unfortunately, I feel that the same thing has happened on Outlander that happens in many stories (whether in books, television or film), whereby the child of the main couple has dramatically changed the tone of the story and stolen the spotlight from their parents. This is no affront to Sophie Skelton, who I think is a wonderful actress and has done an amazing job in her portrayal of Brianna, but generally, Brianna’s season 4 arc has been atrocious and done no justice to her character. To an extent, it’s hard to criticise the show too much on this front because I assume the show is following the books, but for the entirety of the season Brianna has been reduced to a fragile, pregnant woman and rape victim whose whole arc is entangled in men. There’s been no room to explore any facet of her character outside her “relationship” (I use inverted commas, because I’m using the term loosely) with Roger. Despite her meeting with Jamie being one of the most highly anticipated moments of the entire series, she was barely given a chance to get to know her father and bond with him before the pregnancy/Roger drama exploded. Although we met Brianna in season 3, we still know very little about her. We know she’s a student, that she studied history but changed her mind and was uncertain about her future, that she has the same fiery attitude as Claire does and she had a close relationship with Frank. But what else do we really know about her? Even after an entire season focused on her, I feel like Brianna is a stranger. There was a lot of potential in switching the focus from Jamie and Claire to the next generation (meaning Brianna), but it would’ve been so much better if her character had been explored in more meaningful ways and her arc had been better written and not been so focused on Roger and Bonnet. In particular, I think season 4 and Brianna’s arc would’ve been a thousand times better if Roger had been removed from the equation. 

I’ll put this out there - I do not like Roger.  In season 3, I didn’t have much of an opinion on him, but his actions this season have transformed him into a very unlikable and unsympathetic character, who I find, quite frankly, abhorrent. Not only has he treated Brianna as a prize to be won, he has behaved like a petulant child consistently, giving no regard or consideration to anyone but himself. At this point it’s hard to understand why Brianna loves him. That made their reunion at the end of season 4 with the classic running hug and swelling romantic music feel completely unearned. In fact, that scene left a bitter taste in my mouth and didn’t feel like a good pay-off at all. When Roger and Brianna were friends, they were cute, but everything that has developed between them since, in a romantic sense, has felt completely forced and inorganic. Roger’s proposal to Brianna was awful and the moment I realised I couldn’t get on-board with Roger and Brianna as a ship. For starters, Roger and Brianna barely knew each other when he proposed to her. They lived half way across the world from one another, had spent a long time apart and had only been friends and his out-of-the-blue proposal not only was completely rushed and inappropriate, but his reaction to Brianna’s rejection of his proposal revealed him to be a royal twat. Instead of understanding Brianna’s shock and her reasons for rejecting him, he lashed out selfishly and insulted her honour and character. I could walk you all through the rest of their “relationship” in season 4, but that would be boring and a waste of time, and I’m sure none of us want to relive that. The point is that Roger’s relationship with Brianna was supposed to be some epic love story on par with Jamie and Claire’s, but it has fallen short of that on every count. Roger seemed more obsessed with the idea of Brianna than in love with her, and Roger’s actions mean that there is no logical reason why Brianna should love him at all. They were barely together for 5 minutes, they argued multiple times and spent most of the season apart and yet we’re supposed to buy into them as a romantic couple? The over-investment in this relationship (and Roger and Bree generally) was very detrimental to season 4 as a whole and I strongly believe that removing Roger from the season would’ve greatly improved it and allowed the characters we know and love (primarily Jamie and Claire) to have the screen-time they deserved. 

Putting aside the Roger and Brianna/Roger arc, the season had a lot of great moments (some of which I’ve mentioned above). Jamie and Claire had some lovely on-screen moments (even if there weren’t as many as we’re accustomed to) and this was probably the only season where they didn’t come up against any disastrous hurdles that separated them from one another. Although we didn’t get to see as much of their domestic bliss as some fans had hoped, at least their relationship was secure this season for the first time ever. It was also invaluable to see Jamie, Claire and Brianna together as a family. Even just to see the three of them sitting together at the table eating dinner was such a beautiful moment and those subtle scenes were more of a pay-off than the over-blown reunion between Bree and Roger. Jocasta was a wonderful addition to the show and ‘Do No Harm’ (4x02) was by far the episode that touched me the most emotionally. Murtagh returning to the show as a recurring character evoked a sense of nostalgia and was very enjoyable. Everything that was done with John Grey was wonderful, the complexities of that character draw me in every time and it was fascinating to see his interactions with Bree. Young Ian was a delight, and his joining the Mohawk in the final episode was truly the highlight of the finale for me. He provided comedic relief on numerous occasions, but that moment showed the true courage and bravery and the love he had for his family. The scenes between Jamie and Brianna were touching and much needed (although my only complaint again is that there wasn’t enough). Honestly, Brianna finding her parents, finally meeting Jamie and Jamie’s reaction to that alone makes this season enjoyable to me. Brianna is such a huge part of Jamie and to see him go through that process of meeting her as a fully grown woman, grieving the loss of the baby he envisioned and missed out on raising, getting to know Bree as an adult, trying to understand and respect Frank as her father whilst also establishing his own bond with her and all of the complications that come from the nature of his and Bree’s relationship was lovely to watch. The season really felt like one that was about the parent-child relationship, and Jamie and Brianna were the epitome of that. 

Overall, I don’t believe season 4 was a terrible season, but there was a lot of room for improvement and some poor decisions made. However, it was rather in-keeping with its predecessor - season 3 - which I felt was also weak and inconsistent in comparison to the first two seasons. In fact, I preferred watching season 4 week to week than I did season 3. Personally, I believe that adult Brianna transformed the entire vibe/direction of the show (whether that was for the better or worse is up to interpretation) and that even if season 5 gives fans what they want and shifts the focus back to Jamie and Claire, it will continue down its changed path that has Brianna at its centre, with new additions of Roger and her son to boot. 

[casparrjones]

surfing lessons

@jamie-blythe

teaching juliette to surf was the highlight of caspar’s week. in so many ways, the girl represented everything caspar wished he could have been when he was her age. in many ways, she represented everything caspar had been when he was her age. sometimes, it was like looking into a mirror, and sometimes, it was like looking into a wishing well. but regardless of where he was looking, it fueled a desire in him to help give juliette the best chance she could have in life. and that started with surfing.

caspar had been teaching surfing since he was only a few years older than juliette herself. his first victim student had been his baby sister when he was seven years old, and from there, he’d gone on to teach kids in his grade, kids younger than him, and even adults, once he was in his late teens. the boy was something of a prodigy, and his popularity around town certainly hadn’t hurt his budding surfing business. now, he had several students, and it paid the bills if nothing else. but in the sixteen years that he’d been coaching, caspar had never met somebody who took to surfing as well as he did.

not until he’d met juliette, anyway.

the girl always joked that they were mermaids. caspar thought it oddly accurate. juliette definitely surfed like she belonged in the ocean, and it would be no stretch of the imagination to picture her as a mermaid, and himself neither. they both took to surfing like fish to water. manipulating the board like it was an extra limb and navigating the waves like they’d manifested them themselves. juliette was still learning, of course, but caspar hadn’t seen a four-year-old surf like that since he was that age himself. 

so teaching juliette was something of a highlight for him.

three days a week, they hit the beach. caspar picked her up from her house at a pre-organised time, usually stopping in to say hi to ben or his babysitter first, and to make sure hyde didn’t think he’d forgotten about her. they would pick up juliette’s surfboard and then head down to the beach, chattering away about whatever was on her mind that afternoon. sometimes it was surfing, usually it was a new movie she’d seen or something ben had taken her to do or something new she’d learned. in a way, it reminded caspar of the way jamie rambled on about things sometimes. 

once their toes hit the sand and the beach breeze ruffled their hair, caspar disguised a warm up in races and games, always letting her win for no reason other than how happy it made her. they went over the rules and safety procedures just to make sure. and then they hit the waves.

juliette had long since mastered the basics. she caught on quick, just like her uncles, and it only took a little trial and error for her to get the moves right. she was still a long way off the more complex moves, but at this rate, caspar wanted to talk to ben about entering her in some local competitions before her sixth birthday. she could ride a wave better than anyone else her age, he would venture to say. 

they surfed until her little legs couldn’t handle it anymore, and then caspar talked her through a cool down and told her exactly how well she had done. in a world full of insecurity, caspar didn’t ever want juliette to doubt herself. especially not when it came to surfing. he wasn’t going to pressure her either way, but caspar didn’t doubt for a second that with the right amount of dedication and passion and motivation, juliette could make a name for herself in the surfing world one day. then again, caspar didn’t doubt that juliette could make a name for herself in any industry she wanted, one day. she was a blythe, after all, and being raised by one of the good ones. the blythes always got what they set their hearts on.

on their way back home, they chatted some more and discussed all the weird little things young children thought about. and, without fail, caspar always took her by the ice cream parlour and got her two scoops of her favourite flavour. ben didn’t need to know about that bit. it was their little secret.