please elaborate on your jimmy angst pretty please
ok ok since you asked so nicely 😌😌
at the start of third life the watchers give jimmy a choice, an ultimatum if you will. he could go about the death game normally… or he could cut his golden thread shorter than everyone else’s. it would keep everyone else alive as long as he survived. he could live and postpone the inevitable for everybody… so of course he did it. and then he died and everybody else did too…
the watchers gave him a second chance, a second death game, a shot at redemption. he cut his golden thread again, determined to actually do it this time. he died again, and everybody else did too.
the third time, when he walked up to his golden thread, it was intertwined with someone else’s. the watchers wouldn’t tell him who it was, or why everyone was paired off… he didn’t want to cut someone else’s thread short alongside his… but they could keep each other alive! and he could finally prove to himself everyone that he could survive. tango killed him first, but the guilt still settled in his heart.
he was given a fourth chance, he took it, almost habitually. he really felt like it was his chance, he had twenty four lives for void’s sake. even if he died first, they’d all live long, prosperous lives and he would too! it was perfect… until he had seven minutes left and he was bargaining for his life (everyone’s lives) so desperately…
and a part of him… such a selfish selfish part of him, was always relieved that he died first because he never had to live in a world without anybody… they might’ve not always had him but he always had them.
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While I attempt to unscramble my poor brain for replies, here's a headcanon.
Under normal circumstances, and generally speaking, in my AU verses for Elwin, he does not and has no intention of revealing his identity to his sons and Jill, or the Guardians of the Flame, or... really anyone at all, but especially any of the people of Rosaria.
At first, it was out of shame and guilt for failing them so heavily. But eventually, it became a matter of him feeling that it would be kinder to them -- Elwin Rosfield had, after all, died at Phoenix Gate during The Night of Flames. They had already grieved him and accepted that he was gone.
That's how it should remain, he figured.
Of course, individual threads are subject to deviation from this! Especially threads with the boys and Jill, or really anyone closely connected or affiliated with him!
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Dan Heng has always been something of an archivist ever since he was little; taking notes and recording his thoughts. Here are some scattered fragments from a journal that got lost when he was exiled; one he used to have as a child.
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I finally finished reading the civics books I was given. But I understand even less now. If those are all the laws the Xianzhou follow then why am I here? I haven't broken any of them but everyone acts like I did something horrible.
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I believe ▉▉▉ got sick, as there was a new guard this morning. I don't like him. He's colder and crueler. My 'book privileges' were threatened by correcting a mistake he made. Is it wrong to tell someone they got your name wrong?
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I've stopped correcting them. They never learn. I looked in my books for the name they keep using and found it in a history book. I don't understand why they keep confusing me for that man. The descriptions of him do sound similar, but he's older, and dead, and it's too dark here to really see what people look like anyway. I don't understand them.
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The guards talk to each other during shift changes. I often hear mention of the weather. It must be nice to see the sky, however false it is. I've read that the food here has the same vitamin as sunlight so they don't need windows and they can keep the lights dim. Are the false skies of each delve as beautiful as their descriptions or are my books outdated? Many of them are old. The guards don't like getting me new things, often saying I'm undeserving of them. I don't see how as I've been compliant and polite, but I am still here so they must be right. I'll try to do better.
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The General came to visit again! Such a rare occurrence but always appreciated. He's so nice, even if he does seem sad every time. I wish I could help. In the past I've offered my books and even a portion of my food. I understand he likely has much better but isn't it the thought that counts?
This time I was gifted a set of brushes to improve my penmanship, a book on the different species of the Xianzhou, and I overheard him speaking with a guard about allowing me 'spear practice'. Am I to be trained? I don't understand why. I don't deserve it.
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Some of the guards are strange. One was saying goodbye to another during shift change and wrapped their arms tightly around the other. I wonder what that means.
No-one has ever touched me like that.
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I finished the book on species. They were all interesting, but the section on vidyadhara made a lot of things clearer. I understand now why I am here. Why I don't deserve things. I don't believe it's really fair but complaining has only made things worse in the past. My only option is to accept things as they are and move forward.
Why did he sin?
Did he know what it would cost me?
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My books say vidyadhara can control water, but that it takes a lot of practice. I'm going to try with my shower. If I work at it enough maybe I can entertain the guards?
If I do will they like me more?
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I formed an orb with the water from my shower! It's a lot easier than my books implied. But the guard startled me by yelling when he saw it and was even madder when I got him wet.
I won't try again for a while.
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The General came back today with another gift. There was a loud argument between him and some guards but I believe he won. I've been given a spear that looks incredibly familiar but I can't pinpoint why. He says it's called Cloud-Piercer and that it's my right to have it. He's strange. Prisoners don't have rights. But he is kinder than the guards and I do want to keep the spear. There's something about it...
He says he'll spar with me next he gets a chance. I told him my cell is too small for that and he explained there are larger areas here we can go. That was a surprise. I've only ever been allowed to leave my cell when they clean it, and I have to stay right outside it anyway.
I'm excited to see another room and learn some combat skills. Perhaps in the future I'll be able to defend myself. If I ever get to leave.
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A guard during shift change was complaining about the heat in the delve, and another recommended a trip to a 'pool'. I had to scour my books and scrolls to find what they were talking about. Someday I hope to try one. Perhaps I will be allowed a small tub to fill with water from the showerhead? Water has always been comforting for some reason. I was once reprimanded for letting the shower run too long, but a tub of water would mean I could enjoy it without making them angry.
But I won't ask. They don't like my questions.
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The General returned today for spear practice! I was also gifted a pauldron for my coat; it's hard to be certain in the gloom here but it seems like it's made of jade. As I thanked him he handed me a hairtie, explaining that until one is skilled enough all obstructions should be removed for training.
He smiled when I tied my hair back. He seems happier when I change my appearance in some fashion. I wonder why.
I also like it better this way. Would the guards allow me a haircut?
Spear practice went well. He called me a 'natural' despite my obviously inferior skills. I'll keep practicing. My cell is too small for a proper spar but I can spin and jab the spear without damaging the walls so I will keep trying to improve by working on my forms.
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My latest group of books included one of poems. I quite like some of them. I wish I could share them with someone but the guards don't care to be read to.
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Another guard brought up the weather outside. I left my showerhead running to try mimicking 'rain' despite the shouting from my cell door.
Perhaps someday I'll figure out how to mimic a 'cloud'.
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There was a mass sentencing today. Some other prisoners were walked down the hall past my cell in the morning.
Only half of them returned.
I reread my civics books to brush up on Xianzhou laws and punishments. Some crimes are worthy of death.
I pity them. I don't know what they've done, perhaps it truly was worth such a result in the eyes of the Judges, but I don't believe anyone deserves death.
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There have been arguments about my status. I think they often forget how well vidyadhara can hear. I wasn't worried, I've been here for many years, but then someone brought up execution.
For what? Haven't they already executed the criminal for his sin? That is why I am here is it not? What have I done while spending my life in this cell to deserve such a fate?
I forget myself sometimes. Prisoners don't deserve anything. We don't have rights. I should just be glad I've lived this long. Perhaps my next incarnation will get to see the sun.
▓▓/▓▓/▓▓▓▓AE
I found myself staring up at the faint lights in my cell until my vision was filled with spots. It's not good for my eyes but what does it matter when I won't be using them much longer? It was something new to try.
I plan to fill my remaining days with new things.
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I shaped my shower water into globules reminiscent of the cloud descriptions in my books and floated them across the ceiling of my cell. I managed to keep them there for hours despite the loud reprimand.
You won't take my false sky until I allow it.
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The General returned. He says he will try to speak on my behalf and alter my sentence. I trust his heart is in the right place but I have no faith in the system. I thanked him for his efforts and returned to annotating my books.
I'm not certain how much longer I have.
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The word 'exile' was floated about among the guards today. I'm still not sure what to think.
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My sentencing is today. This will be my last entry. The guards say the General will be arriving to escort me. I thought it odd they told me to bring Cloud-Piercer when that happens but perhaps they simply want to reappropriate their equipment.
I'm not certain who I was ever writing this for, perhaps only to get my thoughts out of my head, but if anyone finds it I hope my writings are useful in some capacity.
Farewell.
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An entry has been added after the seemingly final one, but it is so warped by water damage in a pattern almost like tears fallen on the page that it's nearly illegible. The only clear text is something about exile, a few words about the 'grand majesty' of something, and the phrase, "It was more beautiful than I ever imagined."
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